God Awful Movies - 188: GAM188 Dead Man Rising

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

With some help from Andrew Torrez, we team up for a review of "Dead Man Rising", and learn all about how the death penalty is super duper harsh if you're an atheist. If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts  All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

You've skipped over the most persuasive argument in this section, which is the argument from, I don't know what Carpenteriaxide is, no neither do you. There's this delightful voice where they're like, look, plants give us oxygen and food and what have we ever done for them? And fish does not go carbon dioxide? We burn coal and oil to help them out. They love, I love the science advisor to Donald Trump until I die. Not awful.

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You guys want to switch to the Mr. T thing or just Mr. Keith, let's talk about Mr. T for a while. Yeah. We can tell you about Mr. T cereal. Oh, there's so much. Flubberlang was a delightful Rocky character. Yeah. He has a disability.

What? Okay. And sitting somewhere near a non fictional, I'm assuming heroin HQ in New Jersey is my bad friend. You already heard him Eli Bosnick Eli. How's it going, buddy? I am amazing, Heath. I got to watch a cap of wear instructor defend the shroud of turn.

Yeah. Yeah. instructor defend the shroud of turn. Yeah, yeah, that's going to be a major theme. We'll get to it. So before we do that, tell us Andrew, what are we going to be breaking down today? Well, we watched Dead Man Rising. It's the story of how a Christian movie producer hopes you really, really suck at typing dead man walking into your pureflix search box. They sure do. It's the transformers of Christian movies. Everybody.

That's a business model. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're lovely, struggle, but you wish you spent more time thinking about him fucking your wife. You will love this movie. It's dead man talking about Christian apologetics. There you go. It's a it's dead man walking on water. They missed. Yeah. Oh, damn it.

Anyway, so you know how waiting for Gado had too much action and too many characters. Yeah, I think someone finally fixed it. It's very exciting. This movie, correct me if I'm wrong, it's about how being on death row is emotionally taxing for an atheist. And that's why everyone needs Jesus. That's the lesson, right? Yeah, it's a bummer unless you're going to Sky clouds Yep, and

God I hate it so much. We learn this all by watching two inmates argue Forever and that's it It's exhausting God and not smart guys too like you ever been stuck behind two assholes on a bus. That's this movie. Someone was stuck behind two assholes on a bus and was like, I need to capture this and send it to a world. Yeah, a moving bus would have had a lot more scenery than this movie though. Ain't no Jews dad on 9 11 talk slower than it talks slower.

So you guys got anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at. Ooh, me, me, me first. And yeah, I'd like to nominate this for the best worst response to Richard carrier. And let me say I've read a lot of responses to Richard Carrier. So he was wrong, Richard Carrier. Are we saying he was okay? Oh, according to this movie, yeah, absolutely. He's wrong. Also in life, he's wrong.

I was gonna say, yeah, so they got one thing. Nice. All right. He's pretty sure if you cover one eye, you can't see Jesus anymore. It's okay. All right. Well, I'm gonna go with best worst use of the internet.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna have a guy on death row again. And he's gonna get handed a laptop. And he's gonna type in the craziest fucking stuff you can imagine in that situation. And he doesn't even know how like searching works either. It's just like, dear Google, hello. Daniel here. Daniel. How are you?

Amos. It's my name. I'm gonna be executed tomorrow. What's the Cambrian explosion? I don't have much time left. It's nonsense. Oh, okay, I'm going to go with best worst weight, which side are you on?

Oh, yes. Because this movie is anti-def penalty. I literally have no idea. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know what they're saying at any moment. And everything is which side are you on, right? Like the atheist character forgets that he's an atheist for about 11 minutes in the middle. It's spectacular.

And they both fake at one point. They both like pump fake that they're Christian and then atheist and then they're atheist and Christian. It's crazy. But I don't understand where they land for their message either. So yeah, I felt like there was a door behind one of them and we just never got to it. Maybe a riddle. All right, well, we're going to take quick break. And when we come back, we'll tell you all about William Lane Craig's version of the Saw movies, also known as Deadman Rising. From the makers of lots and lots of Oscars.

You're gonna fry for what you did. Yeah, that very well may be, but it won't stop me from being your friend. Comes yet another movie about death row inmates and how bad you should feel for them. Man, the food here sucks. It does. Oh, he did was murder people. Because like, you don't support the death penalty, but it feels weird for movies to just constantly use these people

as a dramatic device to elicit empathy. Yeah, wait, what? And then towards the end, they always do that twist thing where he's innocent or it was an accident or something. So you gotta feel extra bad because the format is inherently aware that bad things happening to bad people is like the least empathetic situation you could elicit in a movie.

It feels like we're gonna get emails for that. This summer, death penalty movie. Yeah, yeah, we're definitely gonna get emails. Am I crazy? Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'm in Drutorus. You know, if today's movie teaches you anything, it's about the power of the internet. Because if Google, I'm sorry, Sherlock,

can convince someone to love Jesus, what might your website do? That's why there's wix.com. wix.com is the best way to bring your great idea or business to life, with over 500 gorgeous templates and their dead, simple website builder tool, nobody makes it easier.

Get started now by going to wix.com. That's wix.com slash podcast to get 10% off. That's wix.com slash podcast. And hey, if you don't have a business idea, is the shout of turn real.com is available. Just saying he's right. You know, it is. It's real. The website's available. And we're back. And this movie kicks off with a cold open on black Hannibal Lecter. So that's a good start. Pretty sure the people who made this movie just think that's like standard prison attire. They do because we're going to find out he's wearing one of those crazy Hannibal Lecter masks. But we're going to find out he's wearing one of those crazy Hannibal electromagnets, but we're going to find out he's not a candy.

So the movie seems to think that just like major criminals need a muzzle that's standard. You never know. He could breathe fire. He's an arsonist. Let's just put the mask on him. Shits and giggles. And while he's strolling down through the cold open wearing the mask, we get, what I believe the radio is tuned to KXXP, Exposition Radio, Exposition Weather Together on the

eights every seven minutes, right? It's amazing. And we will learn that Amos, who is our And we will learn that Amos, who is our protagonist, killed 11 people. Daniel Amos, yeah. Daniel Amos, Danny Amos. Yeah, killed 11 people and they're walking him down to death row through a weird little system they have. They have like a roasty hallway to walk you through. There's like a little sold train roasting line for people about to get executed at this jail. And it's just people harassing him as he walks by. Yeah.

And if you want a reason to watch this movie, look no further than actors who have to yell prison insults at someone but aren't allowed to swear. Hey, man, you're going to be having a bad time. Yeah. So now we cut to a death row. The guards lock up Daniel Amason is death row cell and then they taunt him. The guards like, all right, breakfast is at 7 a.m. Don't get too excited though because, you know, we're going to murder you like right after that. Yeah, we get, we get the two guards. One is kind of the standard,

you know, 30-ish bald headed guard. The other one is either fat Glen Fry or skinny Chris Christie. I could tell which throughout the throughout the movie. Yeah. Like if Chris Christie got caught in traffic that he caused. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, for a long time. And the guy's trying to do like the sarcastic like, and if you need anything fancy, like a pillow or a, but he can't act. And he's so desperately trying to remember his line that he's just like, we have ex-Benedict

and oatmeal. If you're vegan, we can make it with water instead of milk. Our specials today and they're like, it's not working. Let me get through the specials, please. You good. There's a salmon. And this is when we also meet our other main character, his death row next to you, cell buddy. They have neighbor cells in death row and we're meeting this guy. This is his name. His death row. We're just death row, right? So so he's supposed to be an isolation, but all the cells have bunk beds in them, right? And he's got a cellmate across the hall that he just chats with. And the movie spends a lot of time. I mean, I think like 11 minutes of runtime, just on the neck of

a fish. I was really, really hoping it was going to be like a bendover moment from Fletch No such luck. But yeah, he's trying to make conversation with a tattooed neck character. And we see him try to get this guy's attention for a while. However long you're thinking the, hey, hey, hey, seeing lasts, it's about four minutes longer than that. So you go in no shirt right away. Cool. Cool. I like your pants. I guess what? You're not, you want to be death buddies? Sir, sir. Uh, I'm thinking of a famous person. Ain't no matter what, this guy won't list him. You used to work at the DMV because you seem like he, he, he took you to this. Oh, I had a lot of sympathy for a fish at this point. Honestly, it was like, it was like when you go on airplane and the asshole wants to

talk to you, it's like, dude, I have a book. You can see my book. You need to, in fact, you need to get a book too. So that we can be not talking to me. Would be great. Can I just say it's weird when you bring an extra book and force people to read it on plates? We get complaints.

So, yeah, Daniel gets angry and then he starts yelling anti-Budist slurs at fish. This guy who's being silent and just kind of like sitting there meditation style cross-legged face away from him. It's amazing. He is heckling a meditation. Yeah, you ain't never going to find yourself. Yeah, you never going to find the difference between the stage and the actors. I'll tell you that right now, right now. the actors. I'll tell you that right now, right now. Pink elephant, pink elephant suck it. See, something's in your head. I want to Daniel start meditating too. And then fish is like, hey, shut the fuck up over there. I got a son of a son. The meditating was my thing.

Well, also, can we talk real quick about the tattoo on Fish's Back? Oh, okay. So whoever, Zmom did the makeup for this was going for, I believe, a heart with a crucifix going through it, but it is very clearly a liver with a crucifix. See, see, all this time I thought it was supposed to be a bottle of crown royal, which is, which is, of course, the Budweiser of whiskey. Yeah. I thought, I thought it looked like a fancy heart shaped bottle of lube. Like, you know, like, have you got a nice day? Got you, lube. Like, but there was also, there was a weird face in it because I stopped it and I looked

at it. It was like an evil pumpkin inside with a thorny crown around it. So like, okay, I got it. You're going for the Jesus thing. But like the evil pumpkin was confusing to me. I don't know. I feel like that's on you. I don't want to call it.

You think I'm projecting something inside my sight. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you hallucinated an evil pumpkin because you've been alone for 60 days. 69. I go to the restaurant just so that they have to talk to you. They have to say, what can you order? Middle-o-one for a 37 years, 37 nights of years. This review took a dark turn.

It's what the pumpkin keeps saying. Do you guys remember the scene where the pumpkin changed into the face of your dad and told you to play all those pranks on you because it hates you and resents you. That was weird. Am I right? Really loves you. And it's proud of podcasting. Pans back around. He is not talking into a microphone.

You don't owe me a whole bunch of money for that college education that you're not using. Cool. So next scene, next scene, there is a next scene. Yeah. Now it's the next morning. So it's time for some more harassing the silent guy. And he is monologuing over his own reflection. And at first, I was like, okay, they went to the local community college and they ordered the finest actor at whatever college ended with a CC in it. But no, this is the, this is the author of this

movie. So is that is that? Daniel is the author too. He wrote the screenplay while now it's a war. Yeah, the force. Now, now it makes sense, right? Because for law and awful movies, right? Like we watch John Grisha movies. I mean, they suck at the law, but at least, you know, you get Jean Hackman, you get Tom Cruise, you get people who can act, you know, Wilford Brimley. Oh, my God. that is amazing. But I forgot that coming on this show, we're dealing with the crowd of people that think Kirk Cameron is the height of acting talent. So yeah, we're stuck with the like sub community theater level of like I would line. Yeah. It's amazing. There are times where he pauses mid syllable. It's, it's truly

spectacular. I liked growing pains a lot, to be honest. It took me a while. I had to reconcile this. I was like, is he a bad actor? Cause I love that fucking show. I had to go, but I don't know. The show's good. It was, it was carried by, you know, Alan Thick, I guess, and Cleota Capriot, whatever. I dead. I will watch thicker than night reruns anytime. There we go. Right. Anyway, so it's the next day. He's rassing silent guys some more. And he wakes up. Daniel wakes up. And there's this one moment where he stares at his own reflection in his metal toilet situation. Yes, which was weird. And I feel like that was making it worse. Like, when you guys, does this happen to you?

Like, do you ever start crying in a mirror and it gets crazy? Like you become insane. You're like the dog having a cry fight with your reflection and you like point at yourself, pointing at yourself and how much you're crying and your dad shows something. I thought that only ever happened to me. Oh, I'm so glad I'm on.

Okay, nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Oh, lockdown is everybody. Very, very special episode. Got a lot of fun with me, everyone.

This is what happens when Noah leaves, all right? The vitamin to your conference. He's supposed to give a speech. You come back. He's talking about his childhood. This is your fault. Right. We're gonna spit off Sherwood's Heath and Andrew discovered medication. It's gonna be fantastic. I know some, but I don't have any professional versions of that stuff. Yeah. Just to have what I stole from that middle school. So Daniel keeps harassing this guy and he finally gets him to wake up. He says the guys like magic phrase, which is, I need you and fish the meditating guy finally

response to him and starts being his neighbory cellmate guy. Yep. And he does not ever acknowledge by the way that he ignored him for a day and a half. There's never a moment where he's like, sire, I was, I had a thing going on. He's just like, so I think you're going to find Jesus now that you're in jail. No, no skipping out. No, nothing. No preamble. Just like, so you want to switch religions now that you're going to die. Your name's Daniel Amos. Those are both names from the Bible. I know I just went right into that and he's just like, yeah, I'm just Dan. I mean, it's not just like the noise my mom went with whatever.

Yeah. But Daniel we learn means God is my judge and Amos means carrying a burden. And then the movie starts kind of roasting itself. Fish is like, yes, it's a little ironic, don't you think? It's a little heavy handed writing. Well, I'm not lazy. Huh? I'm looking at you because you're the actor, but you also wrote the movie. So I'm looking at you. We also see Daniels tattoo on his arm. He's got like a phone number tattooed on his arm. His ex girlfriends phone number. Yeah. And they blur out the end of the phone number. Why? Why would they use a real phone number? That can't be because it was it was clearly

like pen from five seconds before the take that put that tattoo there. Why? Because the people who wrote this movie were so stupid, they could not make up a phone number. They were like, okay, so we're going to do the 555 thing, right? I don't know anybody with that number. 8675. eight six seven five. Yeah, but this would just be eight six seven five three and then the smudge of ink on

there. Yeah. It's mostly sixes, by the way, if it's upside down, I noticed that the number on Daniel's arm, I don't know if they meant to do that on purpose. But yeah, we get more fish being, can we just blow up the spoiler here? Fish. I mean, if you wanna ruin the movie forever, everyone. Are we really gonna do that?

Is it not his name? His name is fish. His name is fish. And he's, he's all made. He's looking a lot like Jesus. I'll just say that. He's looking very Jesus-y. We'll just give you a little hint.

We won't spoil anything. He turns out to be Christ of Nazareth. No spoilers. Yeah. So, they're going to be execution buddies. I guess there were like budget cuts, so they do it in pairs and then, I don't know, there's like a electrical, musical chairs. There's like a electrical musical chairs. There's like a weird system to save money.

Something's going on. They do it in pairs and they both bemoan the fact that they murdered people in the wrong state, right? They're like, ah, try to kill some old ladies in New York. You kidding me? Ah, it's a worst classic mistake. You got to murder people in those liberal cock states or else you get in trouble.

Look, I'm sorry for one thing and one thing only. It's that I killed below the Mason Dixon line. You know what I'm saying? I made my mistakes. Oh, by the way, just quick question. Do you really get a last meal with anything you want? Andrew, do you know about this? Is that like official? Andrew question. With given, given privatized prisons, I don't think you

even get meals anymore. So, uh, no, I'd like to request, I'm going to stop you right there. Yeah. You will need to say grow in a garden, whatever you're about to ask for. And then your last meal was whatever you ate before you came here. Okay. Well, I will, we'll inquire if there's anybody who's, you know, knows anybody's on death row. Or if you're on death row right now and you've got the internet send us an email. And there is no better use of the internet if you're on death row than download and God awful movies. Exactly. Yeah.

We with you the whole time. It is certainly better than any use of the internet in this entire movie. That's fair. That's fair. All right, moving on. It's now the next morning and we're in still jail. Let me go ahead and spoil it. We will not be going anywhere else. That's

it. And the guard is waking up Daniel to give him breakfast and explain how he slept like guilty. That's something that exists, I guess. I was watching you sleep. Please let me finish. And I know you're guilty because you were convicted. That's how I know. Yeah. Yeah. He's got, he's got the light. It's basically like, you know, when I suck on the toes of people late at night in their cells, the guilty ones wiggle a little bit. Wait, wait, wait, I'll come in again. Wait, wait, what are you going to say? Slower. Yeah. But his actual, his actual thing is people who sleep well on death row are the guilty ones because the innocent ones are more upset about getting murdered. I don't

want clear what this guy's philosophy is total sense. The innocent guy's toss and turn. That's theory. And I want to Daniel to be like, okay, so you guys murder innocent people too. And then you collect the data on that and then you graph it and you match it up with your notes about the sleeping. Is that so weird thing you do? That's right. Gonna publish a paper. But now it's time for his lawyer to come in.

Krabben Burnsman. Krabben Burnsman. Yes. That guy. He is here. He is Daniels lawyer. And he is not good at small talk with guy who's about to get killed. He is not Andrew.

You are a resident expert on this. So I'm going to ask you straight from the hip. Worst movie lawyer? Boy, Corbin Bernstein is way up there. Like I love he walks in and says, well, you know, if the judge decides to accept our appeal, and I'm sitting there going like, look, look, I get that Christians think due process is optional. But like this is kind of bizarre, even for that. Like, what, what the hell kind of lays? If they accept our family, like a judge is going bizarre, even for that, like, what, what the hell kind of

lays, if they accept our family, like a judge is going to look at it and be like, now, like, there's, there's a little too much brown steam coming out on this appeal. So I think we're going to, I think we're going to pass over that one. This seems to ethnic. Like, I don't know. No. And, and, and he is, is it me or obviously I'm just disappointed at at at Corbin's post major leak. But does have you look exactly like Cal Ripkin right now? Like they've morphed into exactly the same person. Yeah, I see that. He's got a little Billy Joel going on too. It's not great. Oh yeah. Great. Don't you talk about the hog like that? It's not great. Oh, yeah.

Don't you talk about the hog like that? It's the beginning in the end. But yeah, Corbin's here to deliver some bad news. They're going to execute him using helium, you know, for funsies. We learn here that like, they switched around the lethal injection drugs as official policy. And so like the normal one they're supposed to use this on back order or something. So like, we're doing flame thrower instead just for you because it's back on. You have deal with it. You know, I mean, just just as a side

bar like this is a real thing. And it's a real problem in real states. And I spent like four hours looking it up until I watched the next four minutes of the movie and then realized that the movie doesn't give a shit. So why should I? But, but, but no, like, that's a, that's a real thing. Like they've just run out of the cocktail of lethal injection drugs. And so different states are like, we can experiment with stuff now. It's, what's, and the wonderful thing about the real world story about this is like that the drug companies kept trying to make them, but then their shareholders and people were like, hey, why do you need to make that much benzenoid or whatever it was? And they were like, well, we use it sometimes for the aspirin

and for the murder of people. There's not so uses stuff, but yeah, apparently, you know, they chose not prime on the shipping. So they're just going to let the genderer uses cleaning supplies. That's what he's here to tell them. Here's the best part. He goes, uh, by the way, by law, if you want anything, as I've from not being tortured to death, like, you know, coloring book or something, I have to give it to you. like, you know, coloring book or something, I have to give it to you. And Drew, quick question. Is that true?

Because I will go burn down 11 old ladies right now. That it is, it is not true that your lawyer has to randomly bring you whatever you ask for when you're in your little death row babysitters club there. No, that's, that's another thing. Um, yeah. Another, I got a fire to put out to me one second. Yeah. The, the protagonist here, protagonist, is that, are we going to use the word? I know, I know, I had to stop to correct myself there because he's, he's the main character. I felt like the protagonist was the time bar at the bottom. Yeah. So whatever the word is for Daniel here, he, he snaps at Corbin Bernson like, I might even be dead

by your next bowling night, which tells you that no one involved with this movie has ever so much as met a lawyer, which, hey, good for us because that means when they sue us for defamation, that's going to be hilarious. So bring it on, dead man rising. They call Corbin, hey, make you go over there. For the last time, I'm not a lawyer. go over there. For the last time, I'm not a lawyer. Please, I'll create what that fee. They don't know that. They do know that. They very, they set it on the show. Nah, it's a double bluff. And this is where Daniel asks to get the internet on death row. He's like, yeah, I want to look up some medical information and questions like, dude, there's no antidote. He's like, yeah, I want to look up some medical information and

questions like, dude, there's no antidote. He's like, I know. I was gonna ask about that. I love him. Relate. Do you still want the internet? No, but I remembered what I wanted to look up. But apparently they get, they're gonna give it to him or they're gonna try. And then, you know, in a minute, we're going to find out he gets the internet. Is that a real thing? Andrew, would you get the internet in jail on death row? So would you get the internet in jail on death row that only displays apologetics? No, no, you would not get that. That kind of internet.

And the like rejection screen that looks like the lockout from the end of total recall, I know you did none of that. None of that is a real thing. Okay. Oh, and, and my, it's just a little thing, but my favorite part of this scene is at the end, Corbin, who's been so nonchalant, he's classic shitty lawyer trope. Yeah, just goes, all right, well, I'll see what I can do. May God have mercy on you. And then he just walks away. Just like just goes, all right, well, I'll see what I can do. May God have mercy on you. And then he just walks away. Just like very casually like me sweet Lord Jesus, the guy in the cell across from you come down and place his hands upon your eyes and bring you into his kingdom. And the road rise up to meet you forever and ever. All right. I'm

going to go drive home in my weird minivan. He's may got a mercenary soul. Yeah, so weird little close. So Gordon Bernson leaves and then fish starts explaining the problem of evil by accident to Daniel. He's like, yeah, so just heard may God have mercy on your soul. I mean, really? Like, how's that God mercy working out? Like, lock eyes with me. I'm shitting. We're on death row and you're watching me shit. Right. But we learn that that's because, okay, we don't actually learn why they bring up the problem of evil. But Daniel does say here that he's an atheist murderer. And so is, so is the fish and fish advises and fish is like, but hey, you know You might want to go all in on the Jesus thing. That's kind of our thing here in jail

I like we yeah and for the second thing about like fish is killing it here like on back to back, right? Like we we've got hey, how's that God mercy working out? Good question. Never answered. And then he's, he, he, he heads in with the, hey, why don't you find Jesus in prison? Do that kind of last minute deathbed conversion, bam off to heaven. And the movie doesn't even try and jingle any keys on that because that's a really good. No, they're saying that's the perfect plan. Yeah. Yeah. I think, right? Yeah. The whole movie is nailed it. And then a fish also points out, he's like, hey, I mean, you know, maybe you could fuck one of those murder groupies that exist that are into death row murderers. Well, that definitely exists, but like, where exactly is he going to get the time?

Like, I don't, I don't see that there's any congegal visit scheduled. Well, you know, he's, well, look exactly is he going to get the time? Like, I don't, I don't see that there's any conjugal visit scheduled. Well, you know, he's, uh, he's gonna get the internet. He could ask. I feel like I try that myself, but I didn't get in friend zone with a murder groupie, and it would be like extra. All right. Here you go, Mr. In right. You're one conjugal visit.

Oh, but like, I don't want to ruin our friendship. It's so special. This is complicated signals. We're in a fuck van. Okay. Cool. So what's up? Would you play next? Also he ends it by being like, and of course, if you want, you can hang yourself. And it tingles just like, okay, not helping. I did think of that. Thank you. Right. But he's like, I'm an atheist. I'm an atheist murderer. Death row is very difficult for me. Like, if only there was a better way and rest of movie, it's so dumb. I think that's the only message I'm getting from this. And just by the way, fish is just

being really annoying at this point. Like, and Daniel's like, great, I'm getting from this. And just by the way, fish is just being really annoying at this point. Like, and Daniel's like, great, I'm spending my final week in a cell next to like redneck Gilbert Godfrey. This is obnoxious. I feel like you shouldn't do that. Like there shouldn't be like buddies on death row like this, especially this one. But how amazing would it be to ruin someone's last week on earth, right? You just, oh, hey, how's it going? I'm the guy who will be across from you until the moment you die. Look at me. Look at me in my eyes.

100 bottles of beer on the wall. I'm going to do this. This is what I'm going to do. Okay. What are you going to do? Murder me. Eli in the cell next to death, Rocell is an amazing idea. That's a big show.

Hey, I get crazy, billionaire money. And I even know how we'll do it. I bet you do. I got charts. Yeah. All right. So from there, we go to a establishing shot of the prison so that we know time has passed where we already were, yeah. Right. Still also on Earth, here's a shot from space. Yeah. We see God looking at the universe inside of Globe turns and winks to us. Just so you know, it's that I'm watching the movie too.

But yeah, super duper casual sort of, this is the, the done king of wardens, if you will. And you sort of tell Daniel that he's getting the internet that worked. And he's just like, I'm Warden Dallas. This is my castle. And here's your, here's your internet. And at one point, he starts talking in just single words for a while. And he was very confusing. He was just like death, pray, miracle, ears, sounds like he's playing a party game. And like I had no idea what was happening. But like fish was going to hit the taboo buzzer. Oh, mirror, sorry. Yeah, it was miracle. It was miracle. It can't say the word. But yeah, he gets one battery charge of internet a day.

That's how you measure internet, that's right. And he can't watch porn. Yeah. Oh my God. There's a good solid nine minutes of every character when Daniel is asking for internet access. Been like, well, you know, you can't do the rrrr here because of the rrrr, rrrr, because of the like, it's just, yeah, we know you're not getting porn.

And to be fair, if I was in prison, that would be an awkward search history. Gordon, hey, yeah. Um, so remember when I said we were going to monitor your searches on the internet. Yeah. Trying to find a way to get out of this place. Nope, nope, no, no, you are not. Don't say that allowed. What? What are you, what are you talking about? I've been searching for. Okay. Seriously. Okay.? Okay, let's look at your search results. How to get out of jail? Yep. Sure, I mean, that makes sense, I guess. Effects of execution drugs.

Okay. I was concerned. But the next one is big fat nipples. The drugs in larger nipples, that is how I found. Do they? Yes. Yes. Okay. So then you search big fat nipples in socket.

Mm-hmm. How many nipples can you fit in an electric socket and then do prisons have electric sockets or the research? Okay. Question? Don't do we have no like your your nipples in one right now, you know, we

I mean, it'd be weird. But it'd be true. Yeah, they got to deal with a great company called Cambridge Analytica. So we will be watching your browsing, no, no band sites. And then the wardens like, okay, well, I'm going to take off. May God have mercy. She's like, no, no, no, no, Corbin Birdson already used that one. Oh, okay. And seeking you shall find, I guess, I don't know. And that is our signal that this is the last we have to care about that bullshit

plot, right? Like from here on out, this is not a movie. This is dueling oratory and set up for apologetics. There is no more movie. There is no more plot. Yeah. If you were getting excited, yeah, don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Audio books books because you can't see the straw man. You're gonna love the rest of this movie. Oh, yeah. So Daniel fires up his new laptop and fish immediately starts harassing him about how Christianity is dumb. Apparently Daniel switched over from being an atheist murderer to a seeking Christian murderer at some point in like the last day. I don't know. I call this section of the movie, we shot out of sequence and forgot to tell the actors. Yeah. So he starts Google and stuff. He's just like just trying to figure

out how to die faster because of that terrible news. I heard and it's just typing in like die faster poison atheist into Google. It makes no sense. Not not Google. And what I love is he's Sherlock. Yeah, sorry. Sherlock is the search engine they're using. My my favorite bit about this is that, you know, Sherlock is actually a real search engine from like 15 years ago. This movie was made in 2018. I just want to point that out. I think they had to get the rights from to use the word Google. We were going to ask Jeavesus, but that actually wasn't really Sherlock and Sherlock has the tagline search and ye shall find which I It's a little wins. But yeah, he's heckling him, but at this point Daniel is not trying to look up Jesus stuff

He's like, I don't know why you're busy searching for Jesus and he's like, hey, yeah, you look you're called to the atheist experience is fascinating I'm trying to figure out how not to suffocate to death because you're just gonna shake a bunch of poison up and inject it into my eyeballs. So I will be right with you and he's like, I'm just gonna keep monologuing about very easily his provable things. You know Jesus is based on other myths.

Oh my God! This was the first moment in this movie where I literally laughed out loud. The line is, fish looks over and completely disconnected from anything else says, you know, I used to believe in Jesus, but that's before I realized that Jesus Christ myth was based on Hercules.

Hercules. Hercules. Interesting. And then Daniel says, really? Hercules? And he's like, well, you know, also Adonis and Addis and Osir, it's, it's the craziest, craziest out of the blue thing that I have ever seen in a movie. It's, it's easy. Well, the problem is they very clearly wrote problem of evil and they were setting up for the pattern of this movie, which is the Daniel Sherlock set and he comes back and he goes,

no, man, problem of evil isn't real because of blank, except they tried that and he was just like, jingly prison bars, jingly bars, like you just mashing himself against them. So instead, what they do is they have him rapid fire, a bunch of good atheist arguments and then a really, really stupid one at the end. And they'll be like, problem evil, the problem of omniscience. Also, I heard Jesus didn't have no left hand in the book. Right. Also Greek mythology, the argument from Greek mythology, that's what we're getting here. And we're also watching a whole bunch of, well, a whole bunch of cuts of push-ups throughout this fish, fish is doing push-ups, but not himself and not very many at once.

You do, you do the beginning of stripes when Harold Ray must bet Bill Murray $3 that he can't do three pushups. Yeah, that's this movie. And then we get to watch Daniel look at a bunch of websites about Greek mythology versus Jesus. He actually Googles Greek mythology versus G or he sure locks that. And I actually decided to check on that myself. My first result was from answers in Genesis. That was the topic. That is Ken Ham's thing. And I was like, yeah, so those Greek stories are super fun, right? No, they're not. False gods, trick question. It's like an angry, weird little article from Answers to Genesis. Oh, it's amazing to watch like how Answers and Genesis has used Google through to accidentally

trick people into thinking they're a science website, right? It's like, if you look up fossil record, but if you look up fossil record, we'll get you. We will. Good chance. Or Genesis. Eli, do you think record and record are spelled differently? I couldn't tell you either of them are spelled. Okay.

Angitor as the turn right. Well, fair enough. If you Google by talking only. Yeah. So also a great thing here is like we see all the images and like the Greek pottery and stuff. And I wanted so badly for the guards to be like, okay, he's looking at Greek pottery. Is that technically porn? I feel like we should block it. I know what some of those pottery are going to end up looking like. Yeah, let him finish reading. Let him finish reading. Yeah. And he's looking up different, like,

resurrections that we're supposed to have happened in mythology, but also in reality apparently. And there's no, there's no evidence for resurrections like, oh, stop pretending like it's the Zaprooter tape, like, like, resurrected back into left. Like, fuck you. Absolutely not. No. The whole things like Lee Strobel's there.

It was, I was getting a lot of Lee Strobel in this movie. So yeah, it's, it's Lee Strobel refuting Richard Carrier here, right? Like that's the argument that they're doing, right? And, and, and it makes no sense as to lead with that argument, right? Because the parallels between Jesus and other myths is the kind of thing you say later on to Daniels like, well, you know, this is just the biography of Jesus. And, you know, and then you might add in the like, it's kind of weird how you get the like

miracle baby. And then the one thing when he's 13 and then nothing until he's 30 and doesn't that seem to follow the Joseph Campbell, like mythic hero, architect, but like you don't lead with that. It was weird. You certainly don't make it the foundation of your argument, right? You're not like, look, I have one reason and one reason alone for not being Christian is because I didn't get to hear about him in his 20s.

Hercules. Hercules. Yep. And then he's like, my next apologetic is the shroud of Turin. Literally, fish is response to him being like, no, Jesus is myth is totally sure of Turin. Okay. Relax. Can you just write down your list of apologetics? I can read it later. This is exhausting. Yeah. But we learned that because this is where he asks him why fish keeps asking all these mean questions and we learned that fish had a bad

experience and that's why he doesn't love Jesus anymore. And I want it so badly for Daniel to be like, are you doing a doodly-do over there? You know, I'm outside the doodly-do. Don't wave your hands. Are you backing away slowly? Yeah. Yeah, I thought the scene was over.

I figured I would back away slowly. Yeah. So they do it, doodly do. In fact, we get a flashback of Daniel doing the crime that got him in jail. He's lighting a garbage can on fire, as always, first though. So it's kind of confusing. Lighting a garbage can on fire. Like the only explanation for that is that the producer is so hacky that he was like, yeah, give me one of them garbage can on fire shots. And yeah, and everyone around him was like, no, no, those are only for the post apocalyptic hellscapes. He's like, no, I demand must be one flaming garbage can right now. It's kind of like the, the John Peters in insisting that Superman fight the giant spider in the. Exactly.

Yeah. This was his giant spider. He was like garbage can on fire. Remember how great wild, wild west was we need to fit that in. Yeah. So he likes the Garb's Gen of Fire. And we're about to learn that this is a senior center where this is happening. And they show us this by showing a pill bottle, because you know, people have medicine. And also one photograph of old people, which looked like it was like, it looked like a photo of American Gothic. So I was like, I guess he really hated that painting. I don't know what's happening right now, but we're about to learn it's a senior center that he lit on fire by accident. Yeah, the, the budget for this movie included one plastic

bottle and one photo. Like, that's all we have the budget to burn up here. And fire. At a book of matches, one book of matches. And so now they're outside because they're, they're those death row buddies that get outdoor time together. Yeah. And fish wakes up on the bench outside. Like, how did that happen?

Did they like take his bunk outside outside like the sea and nature league? Like I wanted to pick up and be like, shit, I got cut already. Yeah. So they're in the outdoor cage, Dairy now. And fish is like, so you want to explain that flashback for the movie characters who didn't see it because we're in the movie. That dream you had. What?

Yep. And they start by talking about how like, oh man, yeah, so there's a flashback, you went to jail because it burned down senior center. Too bad we're not birds, man, right? And also, I just want to point out again, our protagonist, right? And also I just want to point out again, our protagonist, right? Yeah. Well, I did burn down a senior center and I was stealing valuable possessions from everybody who was in there. I mean, I didn't take their medication. That would be really awful. But yeah, the sympathy, the sympathetic character is stealing watches from old people

and then burning their house down. And Andrew, I'm obviously, I'm not looking at the sentencing guidelines, Excel spreadsheet. If people die in a fire, you started accidentally, do you get the death penalty? Uh, you know, look, I don't want to get too deep into the legal analysis of this movie or anything, but no, you, you don't get the death penalty for accidentally starting a fire that gets out of control. Um, I mean, unless you're black and it's in Alabama, Texas, Georgia, North and South Carolina, that, you know, never mind.

Okay. Okay. Ten Tennessee. The ones we're cutting West Virginia. Yeah. Yeah. Lovely. We're killing people almost everywhere. Great. But yeah, he says that he made a mistake. And then again, they have this weird moment. And it's not just in this movie. It's in every death row movie where one character has to go, gee, anybody could have burned down a building and killed 11 people while robbing them. Sounds harsh. Yeah, speaking of which, Shroud of Turin, by the way, this is literally how it goes. He

goes, what do you think the guard would do if you'd climb the fence right now? And he'd be like, he'd shoot me. The Shroud of Tur's real. I googled it last night. Sorry, I sure locked it last night. The, uh, it's sort of turn is real. It's a real piece of cloth, I guess, like that's not just. He's it. Okay. So I never thought we would ever get to handle the Shroud of Turner in here on God awful movies. And I am so happy. Let's talk about just a couple of the apologetics they employ. First of all, they tested it in the 1970s and there is no paint on it. So I guess Stephen Avery killed Jesus. I don't know what the fuck point they were making there. No idea. Yeah.

And this is their Trump card. This is like, all right, here we go. I'm gonna turn you Christian. I looked up the Shroud of Turn. That's insane. You went to Ken Ham's website and you looked at the Shroud of Turn. Wow. Yeah.

Well, it's not quite their Trump card. They also have that when they tested it, and it's absolutely not from the time that Jesus was apparently alive, and it's absolutely not made of the material that would be around at that time, they only tested the corner, and that corner is modern,

but if you get it in the middle, it's Jesus. There was a patch in the corner. And their own evidence, they're like, well, you know, the first time they did carbon dating, it said it was only 700 years old. But later we see that it's consistent with this. That's 900 years old. And you're like, this is your movie, guys. Like, why not? Like as long as you're making it up, just be like Bay carbon dated it exactly to zero. Like it, yeah, I didn't understand. Jesus is also not from 900 years ago. Yeah.

Why would you even say that? That's weird. But now it's time for their real Trump card. And this, this why I had to push back on you, Heath. Sorry, because you see, there's an old prayer book and that prayer book has three circles in it. Science, we are Christians now. Oh, that little like stick figure drawn by a child.

Yeah. That was like, yeah, so this is what, you know, Jesus really looked like in the shroud. Look how the holes in this picture that was drawn match up with the real cloth. And like, did they carbon date the holes? Like they found real CO2 in the space of the holes. I had no idea what they're trying to say here. I, I thought the Trump card was the claim that comes immediately after that, which is another, it's the shroud of turin two.

They call it the pseudarium of Oviato. Oh, I love this thing. And they have this like CSI style routine where they like say, look, the blood stains line up like a fingerprint. And I will tell you, I spent like six hours on Google trying to figure out what the claim even is. Right? Like how can blood stains line up? Like I, I, it was Oh, but they don't even line up. I'm watching the movie and I'm watching them not line up. So what do you, I don't know, I didn't understand. They literally cross them. They cross the

two images across each other. They're like, look, if you line up this blood stain on that blood stain, and it's so clearly just a blob that means nothing that both actors sort of turn to each other and go, is that it? Blob blob nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. My, my, my Google food took me to what I really think is the inspiration for this.

It's an article in the national review from 2014. So pro tip, don't ever read the fucking national review. It's a good tip. Just in general, by the way, yeah, why do people think, uh, you print yourself onto stuff when you die? Like, like, why, why would your face photoshop itself onto a blanket if you die while the blanket's touching you? I don't understand, even understand the concept. They have this idea that like there was this electrical

discharge and it like, yeah, it like zapped Jesus's face onto the shred of tray. It makes absolutely no sense. Like I don't even know where it's supposed to come. I love the idea that like gospel of Thomas, right? Original Bible where the angels come down and unveil Jesus and like roll back the rock for him. Jesus is like, wait guys, guys, one second. Presses his face against the Shred. That's going to be so funny in the middle ages. All right, let's get out of here. I'm going to go have people finger my holes. Yeah, also just one of the detail on this. I actually enjoyed the actor who is playing

fish. Was he not fun to you guys? Because he's like, he's doing his whole apologetics thing. Or I guess counter apologetics thing. He's doing reverse, socratic method to like trick this guy into being Christian by pointing out atheist things just badly enough. I guess that's the theory, but he's going nuts. He's like trash talking after everything and he's like doing dances when he thinks he makes a good point. At one point, he like, he says something. He makes a point and then he like runs to the back of his cell and clearly like ran up the wall and tried to do a flip up the wall, but they had to cut away because he definitely heard himself. But I love him just dancing around and getting all intense about it. Like I enjoyed this actor a lot.

Oh, he is me during every Facebook fight. You just replaced Daniel with a computer and this is it. We would ever want to know what it's like. Just shirtless, fill in it, push ups and wall runs. Why? I agree. I thought he was a really good actor. And when you fun trivia fact, he did not allow his name to be used in

the end credits, right? There is no, he did not credit for fish in the end sequence. I guess he was unaware of IMDB that he was going to forever be tarred with being in this movie. But no, he's been in like four years real stuff for TV shows. Yeah, he's he's good guy. Good actor. All right. So they get through their, well, their first round of shroud of turn stuff. They'll revisit it a little bit more. Oh, yeah. But now the wardens back along with the doctor to check the blood pressure and body temperature the guy they're about to execute, which like a weird precaution. Like, got them to execute, which like a weird precaution, like, can I be running a fever while we it's the poison you did.

Well, it's amazing because they so don't know why a doctor examines you before an execution that the doctor literally goes like, well, we need to prove your alive so that we can prove your dead. We're Christians. So this is, this is our standard of proof. It's a whole thing. And then we also learn that the doctor will not be the person who administered his lethal injection. Daniel asked me, he's like, so you're the doctor is going to kill me then. And he's like, I don't know. We don't do that because that's murder and doctors aren't allowed to murder. So we, we farm it out.

We figured, you know, building full of murderers. Let's see if the inmates, you know, can show off their stuff a little bit. So they literally, in this movie anyway, are using inmates to inject people to get around the technicality of murdering as murder. Is that real? Does that mean no?

No, are you serious? Yes. So it's not nobody successfully tried to do it, but there was a prison program where they were like, Hey, we're going to have the inmates kill each other. And immediately the Andrew of that prison was like, yeah, guys, you can't. What? We're going to have Frank do it. No, you can't have Frank do it. You can't have Frank do it. But yeah, this is a real thing that they attempted to do that no one ever did, but they really tried. Wow. Wow.

I like, I like, I use that is that real and I said no at the same time Eli said yes. It was real in someone's heart and that's what matters. Well, there. What matters is someone was sitting around a table and they were like, the doctors are being real bitches about this. Okay, I'm going to throw this out there. You guys don't like it. Throw it right back.

You know who won't be bitches about it? Murderers. Murderer. What if we got them to kill themselves and we all just watched? All right, get Eli and that cell next to him. Go. God. Go. God. Yeah.

And one other moment here in this scene, Daniel asked the doctor, he's like, so I heard there was like some complications with the poison you're getting at me. Is it going to be like slow or fast or like what's going to happen? And the doctor gives him a terrifying answer. He is the word. I mean, this is all true, but he has the worst bedside manner ever. All right, just give me your arm, please. Sorry, just a little nervous about the execution. I mean, you should be. Sorry, what? Yeah, like 3% of executions are botched and that is self reported numbers. By the way, oh, uh, that does.

Yeah, you think that that would like get better with lethal injection, but it's actually closer to seven percent with those. So you know, yeah, okay. Well, and now waking up thing that they said, that's real. Like, you see the drug, there's two drugs. One that freezes you and you can like still hear and retain consciousness. So you're basically like paralyzed and then the second drug gives you a heart attack. Give me your ear for a second. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. So maybe we could like, you know, talk about this.

Yeah, well, you know, at least you have the comfort of knowing that this is more expensive and we get it wrong all the time. And it does not work as a detergent. I would like him to leave. I'm a doctor. And again, that's all true, but like, terrifying. And again, this is, this is moment like six of 34 in which the movie forgets that it's being pitched exclusively to right wing Christian fundamentalists who are all uniformly pro death penalty. So I would just love to know the like cognitive dissonance going on in their heads right now as they're watching like, well, that, that seemed bad.

Uh, well, if you would like to see it on display live, you can check out the reviews on pureflix.com or my favorite, the customer reviews on the double reviews, which are halfway between your crazy and Kathy's Facebook posts and like someone who can't stop confessing to crimes, they are fantastic. Check them out. No, absolutely. The top reviews are fantastic. Check them out. Absolutely. It's amazing.

Yeah. So Daniel gets explained to him that, you know, yeah, you're probably going to like wake up in the middle of this thing and you're going to be poisoned for a while. And it's going to be excruciating. So by the God of mercy on your soul, speaking you shall find. Sorry. What's another one? Uh, public.

Don't be Jewish. What? I mean, don't, but yeah, feels to have been dance here. And then the very end of that scene, fish, taunt, stand a little more. He's like, you know, you're not going to get any like tombstone, right? And like a weird dick. Right. Hey, seemed pretty upset about that whole being awake

while they murder you thing. Nobody's going to write your name on a rock. Okay, you done. Okay, sorry, should we smash cut to the outdoor cage? Yeah, let's smash cut to the outdoor cage. That's the other spot where we do scenes, right? Cool. That's what happens. And this is where we finally get some action in the form of a basketball sitting motionless on the bench next to them while they argue some more of that's the whole movie. Oh, it's so good. But yeah, this argument, apropos, if nothing, is that the gospels were written way after Jesus was alive. But the argument back is that Paul wrote about Jesus only like 25 years later, not like 50 or 100, like some people say about the other gospels. There was so much later.

Yeah, but you're forgetting that also had a whole lot of hearsay explained in the stupidest manner possible. So that makes it better. Right. This was the strangest collection of arguments. Also 25 years is fucking slow, isn't it? So this guy Paul was like, okay, so this guy literally floated into this guy after getting crucified. Should I write this down? No, 25 years later. I'm always pretty interesting. 25 years ago in my life. Now that I think about it, that guy who just floated into the sky, I'm going to write about it now. What? You know what I have spectacular word for word recollections of 1995. I'm really great at it. Yeah. See, going to the store, going to get milk eggs, three decades ago, I saw

the newborn son of the Lord rise from the dead. There we go. I'd write now that I think about it though. I mean, like, I'd write like a really important thing about how the 94 Rangers were amazing and Mark Messier might be the Messiah. Yeah. I can see that. All right. There we go. See, fair and balanced. But white, white guy fish is way ahead of us because literally every time Daniel talks, he is just making the exact same noises I was at this movie. He's like, well, you know, James was Jesus's brother and he's like, fuck your face. Fuck your face.

Boo. Boo. Lire. Jimmy Christ. You don't know about Jimmy Christ? That's not it. That's nothing. Nothing you say is useful. You're just naming somebody, what does that even mean?

Oh my gosh, are you James Christ? Are you Jesus' brother? Yeah, absolutely. So like, can you introduce me to him? No. He doesn't like that. He said I can't do that anymore. What was the weird aside with where he's like,

Jesus had brothers and he's like, yes, sisters too. Like I, that just kind of hung out there like is she hot? Like I was trying to set him up. What was that? And then fish achieved something I have been waiting for for 187, 188 episodes now. The argument from, come on. To be fair, is literally my argument. Whenever Christians get in my inbox by accident and are like,

I want to know how come you have not addressed, I just, come on. Come on. Really? Come on. It's just like, come on, man. There's no way you actually believe that's your liar. Stop being a liar. We actually get to that point, which that made me happy. Yeah. He goes, stop being a liar. You're a liar. Come on. And I wrote my counter

apologetics and three sentences. Yep. I mean, are we going to let the actual apologetics go here? I mean, oh, no. Yeah. Okay. Good. Good. No, no, no, no, you do mean the argument from Alexander the great also being resurrected and born from a virgin. According to mainstream historians, that argument, yes, that is precisely the argument that because that's what's presented here. Yes. That's deployed. I mean, literally, that's what's presented here. Yes. That's deployed. I mean, literally, uh, the fish says, uh, so, you know, come on. You believe in this crazy resurrection stuff and then, you know, born of a virgin, come on. And then at Daniel says, well, you believe Alexander the great was real, right? And he, he said that his mother said that he was born of the God Zeus and that she was a virgin and seen.

I can only imagine that both of these actors like turned kind of Deadpool style looked at the camera was like you're getting this, right? Oh, they're all made up stories, right? They did. It was like, all right. So Alexander the Great had the same origin story as Jesus. And then he's like, so those are both right or both wrong or one of each. Are you confused about the answer? Really? Are we still rolling? Yeah. Line. Line. Oh, you were asking line line line. Yeah. So I guess that's the end of that argument. Well,

I'm going to go grab my bed sheet that has a sweat a gram of my body and send it off to the labs. They can check if I'm in fact the son of God. But before we take a break so I can go ahead and do that. Let me give act three, the hard sell. Who's the good guy? Is it the killer? Is it the other killer? Find out the answer is yes. When we return for the extremely confusing conclusion of Dead Man Rising.

So you wanna interview my client? Yes. For your newspaper. Yes! Okay. And what's the publication called? The You Killed My Grand Mod Daily. The You Killed My Grand Mod Daily?

Yep, that's its name. Yeah, this will surprise you, but I have not heard of that publication. Well, that's it's name. Yeah, this will surprise you, but I have not heard of that publication. Well, it's a real paper. Oh, yeah, it's a real paper. What's today's headline? Oh, you killed my grandma. Yeah, naturally. No, with fire. Sure. and it does the you killed my grandma daily have other sections the sports maybe comics weather Yep, all of them. Yep All right, okay, I'm salt. Let's let's get you alone with my client Fantastic. Hey, hey, wait a second. You guys circulate Dave Barry Yes Voice of the nation that guy. Right? Just love it. And we're back.

When we left off, we were in jail arguing. We're still there. And now Corbin Bernstein is back with smooths about an author who wants to interview Daniel. But first we get some execution small talk. Amazing. How's it going? Bad. Right. Obviously you are about to be murdered. You're like one of the last people because it's dying out as a barbaric practice. So yeah, I can understand. No, death, death row is going really good. No, bad. Obviously, you really need to think out your opener next time, dude. You're a lawyer. I don't like talking to you. It's this every time. How's it lethal injecting stupid? Sorry. I feel personally attacked right now.

But that's fine. Do you think out your openers when you talk to death row people, when you're a lawyer? I, I don't even know where to begin to answer. What do you lead with? When I'm on death row, you're going to need to have clever banter. Get it?

Me and Heath are on death row right now. We murdered Neil Gorsuch to protect constitutional diocese. No one,, we murdered Neil Gorsuch to protect constitutional dioceses. No one, no one murdered Neil Gorsuch. I refer to you say, entertain this hypothetical. I just want to know you're going to say. No, I just want to make it clear to the NSA that no one here is serious about actually murdering Neil Gorsuch. This never happened. And you're calling because he doesn't have a good opener. Cool.

So bunch of terrible small talk and Daniel's like, all right, man, do you have any good news? And Gors, for instance, says, well, I won't get the bad news until tomorrow. Is that how you, you're going to get murdered still? That's still happening. Yeah. What he actually says is, I'm going to sit down with the judge tomorrow and see if he'll give us an appeal. And that, that is again, the definition of fractal wrongness, right? Like, you don't sit down with the judge. You don't go separately. It's not up to the judge to decide whether you get an appeal like, what?

To these, like, these people that they have the alliance defending freedom. Come on, they could have talked to a lawyer before making the demands. We'll get a tweet from the judge at this point just being like, nope. I'm going to murder you. Yeah. So here's the thing I tweeted a like if you're going to give an appeal, retweet, if you've already decided and Daniel, he retweeted the shit out of that. You're laughing now, but we're one Trump reelection away from that happening. So that's Elon Musk's plan for the justice system. It's going to be fun.

Yeah. But we learn about this author and they're gonna be on TV maybe. Corbin Bernson's all excited. He's like, yeah, I got you a book deal and like a TV deal, like a life-long holding deal. I'm gonna be in it too. I'm also gonna be in it. He's trying to control him. He's like, come on, little ad for me. Maybe I make it into Christian movies. I'm just saying things. Don't be a dick right up until you die, huh? Maybe major league. Five. No, you need to call it on TV. Charlie Sheen, but that's not the phone book. I just called

Charlie Sheen's in the phone book. I just call Charlie Sheen's in the phone book. And then Daniel says, after the pitch, this is the weirdest lie. I had to watch it like several times. I couldn't tell if it was like A.D. Art over it or whatever. He says, awful of you to ask first, right? No, awful nice of you, awful me of you. The only thing I could think is that every single take,

he was like, what, it's awful white of you to ask for that cut. All right, so let's try that again. Awful white of you to ask for. That's a term. It's, you can say mighty white of you. It's W-I-T, I think, it's different. No, it's with an H.

It's with an H. No, definitely with an H. It's like record. It's not like that, but not record. Yep. And this ends, by the way, with Corbin Bernstein asking Daniel, he's like, so man, were you ever like, good at being a thief? Do you ever steal something without burning 11 or 11 people? No. Yeah, his actual response, man, I couldn't steal my mom's heart.

And there's this amazing pause where Corbin's like, they're like a cutesy way of saying your mom didn't love you. Yeah. Yep. Bye. Okay. Gay people were in a combination and they should be stone to death. Bye. Okay. Gay people are in a bomination and they should be

stoned to death. Bye. Cool. I'm the author of this movie. So Daniel goes back to Googling. Sorry, sure locking. And this time he wants to know about near death experiences. So he's googling and DEs. I literally all of my notes at this point are just

yes movie. Yes. Yes. And the first thing he reads, by the way, upon researching it, that there are 774 near death experiences a day in United States. How the fuck would you estimate that number? What would they be basically? I don't understand what they're even saying, but yeah, the guards are into this too. We caught over to the little guard office area and when the guards is watching him, you know, he has like a screen so you can see what Daniel searching for. And he's like, oh, shit, NDE is this is interesting.

Yeah. That's, that's our, that's our buddy fat Glen Fry again, who writes NDE on a piece of paper in letters large enough that grandma at home can see it, right? And then he slowly closes the door to the guard shack. Is that, is that his kink or like NDE is like, I was confused about that. Oh, here we go. He found the loophole. Good times are and he you asked a pretty important question is where would he get that number from? Well, I happened to Sherlock 774 NDE's and it took me to NDE RF dot org.

It's a charity. He was here. Here's how they do those numbers. You ready? This is right on NDE RF dot org. Again a charity. What? Here's how they do those numbers. You ready? This is right on NDERF.org. Again, charity. The prevalence of NDE in the adult population has been estimated by several major surveys. A Gallup poll in 1992 led to an estimate that 13 million Americans had experienced in

NDE. The population of the unit, I get so much better. They pulled America. So they were like, one to 10, how close were you to death? And like they took eights and above as near. There is no citation for that. So that we are starting with a lie. Okay. If you, if you've died, please get a picture. So from there, the population of the United States in 1992 was approximately 260 million, leading to an estimate of NDE prevalence of 13 million divided by 260 million or 5%. 5% of people almost die every year and. Yep. Okay.

Therefore, 774 NDE's occurred daily in the United States. Wait, you're still missing a numerator in that equation. Thank you. You are. That's great. And luckily NDE RF dot org answers any queries you might have here at the end. This is signed Dr. Jeff, by the way. I recognize this methodology has significant limitations like numerators are missing, you know, limitations. Here's what he thinks

the limitations are. One, the number of adults would be constant between 18 and 74. Two, it overestimates the average adult age. Three, it assumes the probability of NDE's occurring is constant across all of the ages. In spite of these limitations, the estimate of number of NDE's occurring per day is probably accurate within an order of magnitude. Because if you're like 95, you just like almost die every day until you die. I feel like you get like a bunch of NDE's just you're constantly doing that. That's like infinity.

Signed Dr. Jeff. Dr. Jeff, I like that. Sometime we're going to have to go visit like the tin shed that Dr. Jeff looks out of practicing. Oh, my God. Facilitate an NDE for you. I feel like flat liners. It'll be great. Yeah. Okay. So Daniel learns about NDE's and then he's like, all right, I got to tell him a death row buddy about this. Hey, hey, wake up. More arguing now. The guy I googled something again. Hey, are you awake? How high could you pile the biographies of Buddha? And then we get some more beautiful acting from fish here. He's, he's just like, uh, yawn boring. Those people weren't dead. You're stupid. Yawn drugs do that. The effects you're describing are drugs. You're a dumb person. Yawn is pretty great. I, I do have

to point out here though in the continuing saga of fish trying to do a pushup. He gets down on the floor and does the worm instead. It's the greatest. Yeah. Yeah. He starts doing the sun salutation at one point or two. Yeah. Anything but a pushup.

I get it. I've been there. But the argument, the, the, the, hey, hey, you wake, you wake, you wake, you wake. The that argument that Daniel decides to lead with is, you know, in NDE's, half the people saw themselves outside their body. And I was just thinking, like, what is that mean as an apologetic, right? Does Jesus just like flip a coin and go,

oh, sorry, like, you're gonna have an ad, but you don't get to see yourself outside of that. I'm just gonna go, What the hell is that? Yeah, so he debunks a bunch of Daniels NDE claims and then Daniel gets mad too. He's just like, man, you always do this. I wake you up to bother you about my awesome Lee Strollball thing and you always make me look dumb. I fucking hate you.

I don't want to be your execution buddy anymore. And this is where we get an apology that I think all of us have dealt with at a time, which is the agnostic thing. I was like, so you don't know that God's not real. And he's like, no, I don't know that God's not real. And he's like, so you're an agnostic, which is basically a theist, but with the letters rummaged around, right? And again, I love fish, because fish is just like boo, boo, no, yoga. And Daniel's like, I don't know why do you even care about this? And if he's like, I'm bored, I don't fucking know. You keep waking me up with this shit.

Yeah, I try to answer you. God, you know the worst. I don't want to be your execution waking me up with this shit. Yeah, I try to answer you. God, you know, the worst. I don't wanna be your execution buddy. I'd like to leave now. So they wrap up their little argument there. And now that author, we were talking about before. Mm. She shows up to interview Daniel

about his fascinating story of Arson murder of old people. Oh, and they, by the way, it's amazing because they bring her over and he's like, don't get too close. He could talk your movies. I don't know. Let's just, we're not allowed to say what he would do in this a Christian movie, but just don't, don't get close. It's exactly the like, hello, clitoris moment,

but he's just like, hello, oh. So you're like, you're like the opposite of Joey Foster. Yeah, yes she is. Yeah, well, but then it just really kind of hit home but in a movie in which the dueling protagonists are murderers, like the, the one person who's filmed like terribly in this, right? Like that gets the like bad lighting and awkward angle and it's clear you're supposed to like rise up and throw fruit at the screen is,

of course, the woman, right? Only woman character in this entire movie. The upset woman, the grieving woman is the, is the only thing we get that's close to an antagonist in this movie. Yeah, she's the bad guy, right? Yeah. So just to be clear, this woman is not, in fact, an author. She is the granddaughter of someone who got murdered by Daniel in that fire, but she's pretending to be an author. Yeah, she's pretended to be an author so she can come in and say scary things about being executed. Yeah, and look, I agree. That's a little bit of a dick move, but still like, you know, her grandmother was burned

to death by this guy. Like, I mean, sympathetic to her. I'm having trouble relating to our protagonist in this situation. I mean, it's not nice, but it's also not nice to light them on fire. Yeah, but it's amazing. She starts slow here. She's like, so how are you? And his real response is, I would say I'm medium. Yeah. And I wrote my notes. The Keith and Wright story. But, but she does have one fantastic Trump card here, which is the story of the guy that is true, by the way, that they couldn't find Vane in him. So they tried to put it in his thigh and mist and lethal injected him in the balls. What? That was real. This is real.

Maybe we shouldn't murder people. She's using it as like a scary story to smoke him. By the way, me, I mean that worked. And she's not allowed to say dick. So she goes, they missed his thigh and they got his soft tissue. Is that what that was trying to be? Okay. Well now that makes a lot more sense. Um, right. She's just trying to rattle him. Yeah, I thought she was just extemporizing medical terms. And that was all she could come up with.

No, that is Christian movie for we once lethal injected a guy in the boss. Also, by the way, while this is all happening, uh, fish from behind her, yeah, yeah, reaching his arm out of his cell, like he's gonna grab her, kill her, kill her, kill her, absolutely. And again, just to be clear, he's Jesus, he's the Jesus character and he's trying to strangle this lady like, what the fuck was the message here? How amazing would it be if Jesus put her in a chokehold and murdered her? Well, look, like, let's be clear,

you're saying that Jesus character, but he's not like the Jesus character, right? Simon from Lord of the Flies, Jesus character, like he's literally Jesus. Jesus is an asrith. Jesus is an asrith. And this scene is, look, even Jesus is tired of this shit and he's about to choke the life out of this woman.

Oh, you don't know what I do to Olive Tree's lady. Get over here. It's amazing. And he's, the only thing I wrote in my notes is he's playing my convention games because this is what I like to do. To Heath and Noah is I will wait until they're having a conversation with someone and I'll pretend

I'm gonna hurt the person so that they get distracted and then I look away. If you've ever seen me creeping up on you at a convention, it's because you're talking to me. No, or Andrew. I was just going to say I'm not surprised that I haven't seen this before because I think Eli only hauls this out of conventions where I do do a tennis representative of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC.

Andrew gets negative about that kind of stuff. Yeah. So they finally wrap up their little conversation and she's like, okay, I'm allowed to like punch you and knock you up for 48 hours because you're black. Bye. That's in the back of the tube. And then we cut to the next morning and Daniel tried to hang himself with his blanket after this terrifying conversation with okay granddaughter of the person he killed. He tries to hang himself. The guard comes in, takes him off, pulls him off, and he goes, why would you do that? Huh? He's mad at him. Like, you're ruining my

stats, bro. Like, come on. My entire job is don't let him die until we kill him. And now, look at it. Now he like walks over to like days since a workplace hanging zero. Like, fuck, I'm so disappointed in you. And let's point out that this movie's idea of tried to hang himself is sat on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his neck, right? Like this is the least believable hanging scene that I have ever seen in any movie. Yeah, he fell asleep in his very comfortable hanging rig. Like that's probably probably good sign. It's not

going to work if you like not off a little bit during like he was trying to take a nap on a plane and just like hold himself back a little bit. That's what it looked like. And so the guard is like, look, I learned all about Jesus because of you. Please don't try to hang yourself again. Here is literally the blanket you just tried to hang yourself with back. And the point is that like, this is going to be his ally now. This guard is also Christian. He's just like, yeah, we're both Christian. I get it. We should focus on how sweet it's going to be after we die. Is that? Yeah. It's a little bit of a weird moment where he's like, you're a Christian now. So obviously you don't want to kill yourself and go off to live for infinity years in paradise with, you know what? Let's not think about this.

No, because then you don't get to go to the nice place. You just like two more days, man, tough it out. And then infinity on the other side. What? Cool. You want to Google some more stuff? I'm done with this. Yeah.

I have some B roll of the Discovery Channel that it's on the watch of the middle of this movie. It's true. That is what's about to happen. Yep. The more Googling, and this is one of the craziest, craziest parts. This was like what I was talking about in my best worst Daniel starts Googling. He's like, okay, dear internet, how was the universe created? And the internet comes up with like, well, first of all,

is Al Gore and socialism. You're welcome. Also, it was created as fish and rocks and sand. The pillars of eternity. Don't forget that. Yeah. By the way, I checked this too. And if you would actually click on the first thing, you would have seen something like soon after the Big Bang, primordial protons and neutrons form the quart cut, cut. No, we're not using now. And so we get fish, sand and rocks, which was the origin of the universe. Yeah. Keep going. Keep going.

This page of Google, third page of Google. There we go. But we get a great argument against the big bang here, right? So it's time to go back to the South, time to argue. And he goes, look, just because the big bang theory, the best television show of all time uses it in their fancy intro, doesn't mean it's true. Fuck that. That theme song is like the foundation of my worldview. I need to Reexamine my life and we also get that old thing of like well, it's called the theory of evolution Yes, not the fact of evolution like we don't

We don't call anything the fact of itself. We just say the fucking words. There's not like a Like a big graduation ceremony in like Norway, like, okay, the theory of gravity is now. The fact of gravity, congratulations. We did it everybody. Congratulations to all the math. Mission accomplished. Time for, yeah.

Unfurled the banner. Yeah. And the argument we're where we get in this segment is the Discovery Institute Cambrian Explosion argument. So I actually freeze framed on the screen to see where their their text comes from. It comes from a middle school textbook. Right. Always a good source. I googled it, right? And even then the middle school textbook says the Cambrian explosion was a relatively short evolutionary event beginning around 542 million years ago and lasting 25 million years.

So, you know, this whole like everything happened instantaneously in the Cambrian explosion is 5,000 times older than creationists think the universe is. Yeah. And again, I love fish in this scene. A fish answers all of these questions exactly the way I want him to. He's like, how come we don't have all the fossils? That's you. That's you.

That's you. Also, it wasn't like three, two, one, Cameron explosion done. Like, yeah. And yes, it does work with evolution. Yes, it does. You know what? It's super duper doesn't work with?

A wizard from 6,000 years ago. Yeah, also, this is a new one. How come we can't fuck a dog and make a dog baited? That's a real argument, really made it this. This is the question that this movie's not afraid to ask. Oh, God. We also get the, how do you get something from nothing argument? Why do we have free thoughts? So he a little bit on your side here. There you go. Yeah, that was just so I could argue with you I don't even remember how that came up. Whatever you said. I was just

in that moment. Yeah, I just said whatever you said the opposite of Did we just become best friends. Do we just become so much space for activity? And then of course, we have my favorite anti-evolution apologetic, art and music are not sharper teeth. Yeah. You've skipped over the most persuasive argument in this section, which is the argument from, I don't know what carbon dioxide is, no, neither do you. There's this delightful voice where they're like, look, plants give us oxygen and food and

what have we ever done for them? And fish does not go carbon dioxide. but we burn coal and oil to help them out. They love. I love the science advisor to Donald Trump until I tie. Yeah. And meanwhile, in the exact same place, Gordon Bernstin is back to apologize about getting tricked by the grieving lady into the thing. It was an author amazing. Hey, my bad on book lady did not Google her name should have.

That's on me. I thought it was going to be like, but you did murder my dad also. So lame throw. Yeah. But he's there to apologize to Daniel about that. And then he's like, so is there anything I can do to help now? Daniel's like, uh, vote for Hillary. I don't know. Can you watch me get poisoned? Can you be there and watch me get poisoned? He wants the guy who just like let a woman who tortured him to come. He's like, Hey, you come like, I don't know, maybe start a chant.

Like just when it, when it goes in, just like you, you always like a good USA chant. Just start. I need someone in my corner. He actually says that like a cut man from being poisoned. Little Mac, right. And then we get a little more arguing with with fish. They're they're back at it. He actually brings up the wind as evidence for intelligent design and fish is like wind.

Seriously, you're going with the argument from the air moving. That's the beautiful intelligence sign. And then we get one of my favorite lines, Daniel responds to that. He's like, now a smart man or an intelligent man knows that a tomato is a fruit. I have issues with that already, but he continues. But a wise man knows not to put a tomato in a fruit. I have issues with that already, but he continues. But a wise man knows not to put a tomato in a fruit salad. So, joining my religion called tomatoes and vegetables. Yeah. Also, why can't a tomato go in a fruit salad? Yeah, it's not even a great metaphor because you sort of think about that and you're like, I don't know, kind of like the salty, like a really good tomato, like a fresh, like one

of those little like yellow cherry tomato, you know, like, oh, I don't know. No, it's not. It's not orthodox, but I wanted fish to get lost in that side of the metaphor just like, actually, that sounds pretty tasty. I'm going to request that for my last meal. No, don't request my metaphor as your last meal. A different metaphor. Okay.

We also get the argument from all the gases. Daniel's like, think of all the gases and fish is like Bosnick story. And fish is like, first of all, the Libhaznik story also did it. I thought of all that were we done. Got it. That's stupid. Yeah. One other argument we get from fish at this point is like, I don't know, man, maybe the universe created itself. And Daniel's like, well, that's not observable science. Mine isvisable friends. Is that a rule? No, yeah. Are we playing with observable science only now?

No. That was a weird retort. And then, and then we get this amazing not Christianity for a second, right? He goes like, look, man, I believe someday the universe will die. The last star will go out and all will be darkness. And in that moment, a single note from a song will ring out and we shall ride white horses. And you're just like,

this is not Christianity, baby girl. I got make it through a nice scene, council. And basically the whole point of this is like Daniel read about some atheist people being wrong about certain things. Therefore Christ is God. Like that's that's that's the general theme. No, the actual line that Daniel says is I found enough holes poked in the theories of non-believers that I have no choice but to believe in God. And I just can't parody that any better than. I guess that's the way they think it works. And they do also get to the like, yeah, but if God doesn't exist, there's no point to life. And fish is amazing. Again, fish is just like, yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Why does it need a point? Do you want me to give you a point?

I can give you a point. You got to eat all the jelly beans. Stop. Don't do that. That's my purpose now. It's stupid. My I talk now. I have no response. I'm a man of faith and I'm obviously crushing it. Lock eyes with me while we shit. Yeah. And that's the end of that. And then just as Daniel makes his pithy close to the mark, the guard conveniently shows up with his final meal, which is a loaf of bread. His last supper, so to speak, and Glenn Fry pulls out a little airline bottle of gallo out of his pocket while sort of, viciously looking over the over shoulder. And some Jesus blood.

That's right. Yeah. Stop staring into the camera. This is how people know you're hiding something. Don't just look away. Okay. Did you, did you keyster that bottle of G.S. blood? I did keyster.

Yeah. Yeah. The set demands, because he's like, come on, Daniel, bring, bring your glass over here. And it demands that there be a styrofoam cup inside the cell, right? Where did that come from? Who knows? Go fuck yourself. I want the internet and a styrofoam cup inside the cell, right? Where did that come from? Who knows? Go fuck yourself. I want the internet and a Styrofoam cup. If you can stop at 7-11, get the mediums. I don't need the big gulp, right? That's a little too much. But you know, die coke medium. Thank you. Maybe solos could be get solos, but not the reds. Everybody

does the reds. And then you try to sell cups at your party. And then they bring them. Thank you. Maybe solos could we get solos, but not the reds. Everybody does the reds. And then you try to sell cups at your party. And then it'd be bring them. I want like purple solos. That'd be great. Yeah. Also, by the way, this is your last meal. Couldn't you like also get a fucking steak or something like bread? Yeah. I'm going to do this thing with the bread here. But first, I feel like I can do my dumb bread thing either way. I'm a Christian now. I can have Chick-fil-A. I'd like Chick-fil-A.

Oh, that's so nice. Oh, no. Yeah. The worst turns out they were giving a bunch of money to indicate charities, even though they're super best friend promised they wouldn't eat your Chick-fil-A. That's the play with my emotions. So they finish up their bread and wine together. And then we get to talk with fish a little bit more. And it's just like, all right. So get next queueded today.

Feeling medium? How you doing? Cool. By the way, I'm Jesus. I've been dead the whole time. In case that wasn't clear. Fish. Remember? Pretty awesome. And I was totally going to strangle that lady too. Remember what you came in to interview? You fuck what was that? Are you like killer Jesus? That was very confusing. I'll fuck a bitch up. You read some of my later work. I've got a sword in my mouth. I am not a peaceful figure by any stretch of the imagination. If it's sword just out of his mouth was slowly reaching. Oh, that would have been excellent.

What I wouldn't give for a horse locus right about now. Oh, so good. Except on this movie's budget, it would just be like, you know, the writers dog with like a little horn taped to his head. So it's time for the execution. But first they got to change him out of his regular jail outfit into his death jail outfit dramatic effect outfit. They can't like we, we, we reused the darns jump suits. So there's a fee if you don't return it. You have to give it back. I don't know what they're doing here. But they say, I think you're reading way too much into you have to be in a pure white snow outfit and strap down in the cruciform position. Okay. Like some people just see a metaphor everywhere.

And that's real too. They actually tie you to a cross when they execute you. That's insane. Come on. That means two guys sat around in the room, planning lethal injection. And one guy was like, Hey, Rick, you know what would make it awful easy to get to people's veins? Don't, don't do it. I'm just saying it would make it super easy if we tied him to a crut, the most popular religion in this country, he did the most popular religion in the country. When we murdered people. So this is the very end of his time with Jesus. By the way, that's a weird assignment for the Son of God, isn't it?

Jesus has to like appear as an atheist and argue with you for a while until you believe in God for like angry spite. Yeah, I don't know. That's just a strange way they'd do it. Like how do Christian people know I'm not Jesus when I argue with them? Like I don't know. That's just a strange way they'd do it. Like how do Christian people know I'm not Jesus when I argue with them? Like I don't know. I'm gonna point that out. I don't think they do know that.

Especially if they watch this movie. But yeah, it's time for his execution and dead grandma lady is there and she's super psyched. I wanted her to have a foam finger. And then they ask him his last words, I didn't realize they do this. This is amazing. Oh, do they really do that? They really have like, okay, last words. And you get to be like, suck my fat dick. They have to let you say suck my fat dick.

Do that? Someone will write it down. Andrew. This, this sounds kind of like the cop has to tell you there are cop. If you ask them when they're under cover, there's no way they can stop you from saying suck my fat dick. What are you going to do? Execute you. Yeah. They're kicking you again. Yeah. Think about how amazing it would be to be strapped to that gurney to a cross. And you know, on the other side of the mirror, there's the grieving

families of the people that you killed, any last words and you just go suck my fat dick. That's the best. They're going to remember that forever, but they're going to blow out birthday candles. The last minute of Eli's conversation is going to be used in his commitment hearing. I feel like there's nothing better than being strapped in a crucifor position. No, like this is not well. Like get help. Please.

This is the bat. You don't have a good idea of prank wars. That's how you win forever. That's how you win for everyone. You win for it. No one ever thinks about anything. They're going to sleep that night and they're like suck my fat dick. Really?

Is that what you're going with though Eli? Like what it would be? Absolutely. Give it another thought. What are your last words? You got like, okay. Better than suck my fat dick. Someone else go.

Someone else go. All right. I'm, I'm strapped down. I, the people I killed or like victims of the fam, the family on the other side of the class, your lawyer. So Andrew's there. You can have family there. You can have family there. You get one, you get last words. What are your last words? Um, I feel like

I feel like I'd freeze up and be like, pass. Shit. My mind would just be, yeah, for the 13th time, okay, the problems with libertarianism are as far are one. There's no original theory of acquisition. That's, you know, Robert, no, Zick didn't even like that shit. You guys are dumb. Yeah. I'm sticking with suck my fat dick. Okay. Final answer. Yeah. You thought it through once twice. You're sticking with it. Okay. Fun. But yeah, they, uh, they inject him and he, uh, he dies and the movie ends with a song about a slave trader who was sorry, so backsees. It really needed the real breakfast club clothes here, right? Like, we just needed Jesus jumping up into the air and fist pumping.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it ends with, I guess what they thought was like the big action moment in this movie, it's a heart monitor screen. That's all we see. We get like, oh, fortuna playing in the back. I'm like, beep, beep, beep, beep. And that's it. That's the end of the movie. Not beep. Yeah, exactly. That's the end of the movie, but did you guys watch the credits? Absolutely not. Oh, oh, the credits watch the credit. I was going to say the credits are better than the actual movie, including the disclaimer at the end, which I am not making this up, says the characters

and events depicted in this photo player, fictitious. Well, except for Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Eddie, similarity to actual persons living your dead is purely coincidental. Well, except for Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. It's the past. Yes, so that's where they close it. And then they do the credits about everybody was fake except Jesus. Wow. So Jesus appears to the guy who killed 11 people at the end

and he's like, you did great, you're coming to paradise. Please don't burn any buildings down while you're paradise. My religion makes perfect sense. The end. That's it. All right. So last thing before we wrap it up, I'm sticking with suck my fat dick. I told you. Okay. Different question. All right. I'm curious how you guys would handle death row personally. So like if you had to Pascal's wager on one religion while you're on death row, which one would you pick and why? Well, obviously what you have to do is avoid the worst afterlife, right? So yeah. So I just, just right now I just Googled worst afterlife. And the first hit is a sect of Hinduism called Vyshevism. They believe in

three kinds of souls. They preexist God. So God doesn't make them this way. But you have good souls. They go to heaven, bad souls. They go to this horrible, terrible hell. And then the mediocre souls, I'm not making this up. The mediocre souls go to a plane of permanent mediocrity for all eternity. And I just don't think I can live with that. So that's amazing hanging out in an IKEA being like, it's okay. Wow. That's okay. He lies nightmares, normie purgatory, normie, it would be the worst. Just a series of women with weird eye makeup being like, I have some notes on your jokes and me being like, no, I wish I had killed some kids. I'm going to kill

more people. I'm going to go by popular vote and I'm going to go with Islam. Also, I hate hot soup. So I'm really not into there. I don't want the hot soup. They're very specific about that. All right. Well, that does it for a review of Dead Man Rising, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you excited for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we've got to keep Andrew in business. So we'll be reviewing unplanned. It's the totally true story of a not spy who didn't get caught and write a book about

how she caught Planned Parenthood marking up babies this popcorn trip. Oh, good. I'm excited. Great. So I get to go to a theater in the state of Kentucky next week. You do. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 188 to a merciful close.

Big thanks to Andrew Torres for joining us today. And just in case anybody's new, where can they hear more? P Andrew opening arguments. That's all right. Go to openingarguments.com. Do you guys have that open our open our extract open args.com. I knew that. Yeah. Okay. It's for it's you know, nobody has time to type out all of opening and all of it. It took me. I was exhausted after saying that just now. Great. Yeah. Open Args. And as always, huge thanks to all the patron donors help make the show go. If you'd like to help us out, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And if you enjoyed this show, you should have checked out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist citation

needed and the skeptic rat, available on iTunes iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided by wait, do I have to take credit for that? Yes. Provided by services for this podcast are provided by the law office is a P. Andratoris no representations her made is to me legal in this movie review and our theme song was written in for Ryan Slotnik of evil dress on Mars all of the music was written in performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Andratoris and Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Nright promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week

Till then we'll leave you with the animal house Breakfast club close no we vote house. We voted two votes. Nope literally On his first day in heaven Daniel and the old people he burned deaf got sat at the same table table for brunch It was awkward, having this weird. Mrs. Rosenstein, in Room 11B at the Senior Center, burned in hell forever. Richard Carrey filed a defamation lawsuit against rising pictures, the producers of this film,

and Pureflix and if you'd like to file a defamation lawsuit against pureflix, send that to pureflix entertainment LLC, caravd david white registered agent 5604 via benita thousand oaks, california 91320. I have clicked on later cheese.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019. All rights reserved.