God Awful Movies - 198: GAM198 Legacy: The Story of the Mormon Pioneers

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

This week, guest masochist Bryce Blankenagel from the Naked Mormonism podcast joins us to discuss the revisionist history of the Mormon church, as told by Mormons to children who aren't allowed to use Google. --- Hear more from Bryce here: https://nakedmormonismpodcast.com/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And that's and Joseph Smith shows up and he's like I was released from prison Is there did they like censor out the truth for this film I was he is now continuing to move like an old godzilla boom old Godzilla boom release from prison fuck a shot. Oh sorry they kept the fuck a fucking child part. Yeah this movie is the Bill Barr summary of Mormonism. Yeah right yes. God awful movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. It's complicated. But the big key takeaway is that sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you? This fine afternoon, sir. It's mom and movie month. Dracula. There's no tag. There on this Eli is just more than tech. I wrote a song one second. No, I don't think that you did write a song. I think that you're just going to randomly sing whatever you're thinking.

I'll sing it. Da da da da da da da da as you're as you tune is that's what I think no, I won't mean mean. No, but that's the thing though. It is Mormon movie month. Once again, three times. Now this is the third annual Mormon movie month. And that means, of course, that it's time to welcome back our resident expert in all things Mormon. Bryce Blanket eagle is the host of the naked Mormonism podcast. He's an exmo and he knows way more about people named Hyrum than anyone I've ever met. Bryce, welcome back, sir. Well, thank you so much for having me. Hi, Rump. That's an interesting

name selection there, but I feel like we're going to get into it. Yeah. Some high rooms might come up along the way. All right. So heaths away. This falls to you. Tell us, Bryce, what will we be breaking down today? Oh, I get to do this episode. All right. Let me get this just right. Okay. We watched legacy, the story of the Mormon pioneers. So childhood favorite of mine and it's the story of the Mormon pioneers. It's like the grand canyon of titling your movie. What is it? It's quite a grand canyon of titling your movie. What is it?

It's a quite a grand, okay, so Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love American history, but you hate all the history, you will love David Barton. Well, if you're a Mormon, if you're a Mormon, too, you'll love this movie. Yeah, no, this is Mormonism meets David Barton. This is Mormon David Barton's movie. Yes. Yeah, no, build that wall.

Not the constitutional one. No, the braver people want. Yeah, no, okay. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for being the best at being the worst at? I have best worst history is whatever the fuck I say it is. And I feel like that was my response the last time I was on when we did the Joseph Smith

movie and it was bad. But this movie is a whole different level. This is the celestial kingdom of capital R revisionist history. This is like the dragons in the Bible were dinosaurs version. Except there's like photographs and shit. Yeah. Of the not dinosaur. Yeah, exactly. All right. So I was going to go with best worst overstock on title carts. Okay. So right. So this follows the Mormon pioneers from Kirkland, Ohio to Salt Lake City or wherever

the hell they started to Salt Lake City. And it does so with every little stop and like if they stop to pee, right, there's a scene in that city. And it'll come up with a little title, it's own little title card and it'll be like, we were at, you know, Mormon Piss Bend on October 13th, 1842. And then like one scene later, there's another title card. It's like that we didn't need that scene, guys. When the crux of your history is,

look how many cities we got kicked out of that. That's not bad. We got, maybe it'll double down on the title cards and not helping you. Right. Maybe it's not the rest of the world. And what a great microcosm. This movie is of how spoon feeding the cinematography is, right? They leave absolutely nothing to

mystery. They tell you everything so bluntly and like they just they they don't leave anything up to like artistic license or interpretation. It's like, this is the narrative. You're going to eat this or I'm going to shove it down your throat. It's like, this is the narrative, you're gonna eat this or I'm gonna shove it down your throat. Yeah. Yep. Speaking of which, I had best worst incest complex now. I know some people like to watch the movies along with us.

This one is on YouTube. So, you know, you don't have to give anybody money for watching it. And the woman who is the center of this movie, every time someone makes romantic advances to her, she cannot help but compare them to a family member. Yep. Over and over. And there are poor and hub categories writing this woman a note being like, can you tone it down a little? It's gross and it's taking me out of it. Can I just say that you're taking me out of it. Can I just say that? You're taking me out of it. Alright, so there's only 53 minutes in this movie, but it takes

longer to correct the lie than to tell one. So we're going to keep the break brief, and when we come back, we'll dive into all the random historical assertions that are legacy, the story of the Mormon pioneer. Brother Smith, brother Smith. Brother Patrick. Brother, other white name. It's actually pronounced Otter with Name. Oh, Otter with, right, okay, got it. Anyway, so we are very excited about the story of the Mormon Pioneer's movie. Yeah, and we were just wondering, I mean, we're so excited.

Could we maybe have a peek at the script? Oh, yeah. Sure, have a look. All right. Oh, oh, all right. So, it looks like this script is historically accurate. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah You want me to judge it up a bit? I think what brother Otto Wittnomé is saying is, take out the genocide and some of the rape?

Yeah, pretty much all the rape. All the rape, yeah, and then you know, you just get up a bit. Yeah. I mean, what do you want me to change history to the extent that a cursory Google would prove what liars we are? Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, I can do that. I don't know. So, jizz it up a bit. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it's a Jew word. Really? Yeah.

Jizz. Are we pro? More than... Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no us out with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what are my lines? They're right here on the page. Okay. The problem, premature ejaculation, up to 39% of men experience it.

I don't want to do this. I'm Bryce Blank-Anagle. Premature ejaculation can make men feel down on themselves, creating a vicious cycle of sexual anxiety and starting a boring history podcast. My show's not boring. That's not your line. They replace read your line in the. We wrote it down for you.

Yeah. I'm Bryce Blankenegal. But four hymns can help. They'll connect you to a doctor who can evaluate your condition and help find the right treatment for you. Bryce Blankenegal. I you, Bryce Blankenegel. I'm Bryce Blankenegel. Better yet, it can be delivered right to your door and discrete packaging that says,

Two Bryce Blankenegel. And not, here's that medication you ordered for your penis, Bryce Blankenegel. I'm Bryce Blankenegel. And right now, our listeners get a special offer. You can get started with him for just $10, if you're not Bryce Blankenegel. Just go to four hymns.com slash movies to get started that's f-o-r-h-i-m-s.com slash movies see website for full details and safety information. Why do I keep doing this is me lured you with oyster crackers. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start things off with a quick disclaimer

that says that while these stories of Mormon persecution are real, they're not. Everyone's cool with the Mormons now, though. Nobody hates Mormons anymore and nobody makes fun of their magic underwear trust us on that you're just fine even outside of Salt Lake City just proudly proclaim your Mormon when you moved to New York no one will think you're a weird cultist which which means that someone finished this movie and they were like guys we got to warn people that this persecution is over. At long last, it's over. That's what I took away from this movie. When the first 60 years of your history are marked by how many apostate bodies are buried

in Utah wells and discourages that heat and strife. Just ask a tholicism about that prior to 1500. Yes. All right. So we're going to start the movie off with the Mormons lifting their giant gold leaf statue under their temple of the Rikola mascot. Because you know what, these old timey people who have the rickets look like they need a giant golden statue of an angel. Toad's a Christian church. Yeah, yeah. No, Jesus Christ is in the name. Of course. Totally Christian church. Yeah, yeah.

No, Jesus Christ is in the name. Of course, this Christian. Yeah. Um, so then, okay, I have this kid down as a junior sailor. I guess maybe you guys had a different interpretation of his stave puff marshmallow man outfit. He looks like he couldn't decide between Lollipop, Guild and street urchin. Right? Like, just get runnin' back and forth between the meetings. He looks like he couldn't decide between Lollipop, Guild and Street Archon, right?

Like, just get runnin' back and forth between the meetings. Now, this is, this was clearly a DI by, and DI is the church's thrift store. So they got his little hole get up for about 50 cents. Okay. All right. That's why we have Bryce here. So we know where the wardrobe came from. Well, and this kid, he's like getting ready to get baptized. And then he goes and asks grandma if she got

baptized. And all I could think of is like, if this is who I'm thinking it is, he needs to say like, I hope your answer is quick, grandma, because I still have to ask grandma angle and grandma, Decker and grad him. Grandma, grandma, hard, triage, grandma, Ross, other grandma, Ross, other grandma Ross, great grandma Ross grandma. You get the idea, right? Yeah. What's funny by the way, guys, Bryce has written this into his notes. He only got a third of the way through the wives that he knows of, like literally two

thirds of that joke is still in there on red, amazing. And that's, I only included half of this kid's Instagram was. She says, all right. So she's like, did I ever get baptized? Bitch, I did it before it was cool. And then we do do into her baptism story. In upstate New York, 1830. And hey, I think both Heath and I can testify to this.

Upstate New York hasn't changed that much. And this is really weird too because the narrative, like she's our narrator for the entire movie, right? And it switches from this old lady like, well, back in my day voice into like a young woman. And it's like, it's instantaneous too. Like the dubbing over of the dubbing is, it's very jarring. and it's like, it's instantaneous too. Like the dubbing over of the dubbing is, it's very jarring. So it's like, back in my day, I brought home a book

of Mormon and started reading. It's, it's very weird. Yeah. And okay. So let's be super clear on what creepy shit is happening. Because if you know how many people, Joseph Smith fucked, this scene plays out very differently than it probably plays out in Mormon Sunday school. So if you know who this is, yeah, you catch some of the little micro transactions that are going on between these people. Right. It's, yeah, very uncomfortable. Women, they're just like loot boxes, Joseph Smith. It's paid a fuck around here. All right.

So there's this 13 year old girl and she really digs the book of Mormon. Her brother, Johnny, though, doesn't know about this book of Mormon shit, right? No, he doesn't like it. All right. So yeah. And then we get the scene where she meets Joseph Smith. First of all, the actor portraying Joseph Smith is hilariously fuckable. Oh, he might as well take his shirt off in the upstate summer heat and be like, sorry,

I have what's known as a 46 pack. I hope that's not the best part of this is is that like Joseph Smith looks like me without the grooming. So they have to keep some Joseph Smith things in so they keep trying to like, yeah, we'll put the hair color the same and like trying to generally find someone with a face shape that's right. It's amazing. It's a man. It's like if John Ham just tried to step into this podcast this me and fake his way through it for the next three years. And like the thing is to this Joseph Smith, he knows that he's hilariously fuckable. Right?

You could see it on his face. Like this guy, he, you know, he drives a BMW and never uses his turn signal. And he is the kind of guy who like farts in the tub and then eats the bubbles just to see what it tastes like. That's the Joseph Smith. And I love that that's a type of person for you, Bryce. That's a weird insight into your, yeah, I got some weird friends. But this Joseph Smith, like at least they age Eliza, the main character of a story, but

this Joseph Smith, when you, he first see him, he's supposed to be 24 years old, which fuck you. Look at the guy, right? But by the time he's dead, he's, he's supposed to be 39 years old in the last scene that includes him. He doesn't change at all. At all. Same exact foofy hair, everything. It's incredible. And look, the, there's, there's a uncomfortable amount of sexual tension going on between this little girl, this 13 year old girl and this 25 year old actor, that would be way less uncomfortable if I didn't know that in the real history, he did

fuck that little girl. Yeah. Yeah. What's amazing is that you could watch Notten Bryce's notes because he already knew this story, but in both me and Noah's notes are like, I don't trust that he was just nice to a kid. I'm going to Google if he fucked this kid. Yeah. I'm identical to him. fucked this kid. I'm gonna fuck this kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna fight Daniel Jones. All right, all right. My instincts serve me well. Yeah. And this is where she says it was there that I first heard the profit speak of Zion, where we can finally live in a peaceful sovereign theocracy and make war with the American gum. Yeah, exactly. Right. No, they leave a lot of that war with the American gun. Yep. Yeah, exactly.

Right. Now, they leave a lot of that part of the sentence out, but yes, all they tell us is that she wanted to follow Joseph Smith to Zion, because that's where he was bringing his dick. Oh, and Johnny does not like this. Yeah. Johnny is very pissed off. He storms off as a matter of fact, he leaves the whole family, right?

Dad has become a Mormon. And Johnny's like, you guys are a bunch of fucking idiots. The golden plate story, really, we're buying that. Do you know who Joseph Smith is? You know how he made his money before this? Fuck you. And look, if there's one thing that Mormon history has as a running theme, it is that they are constantly abandoned by their children

who disagree with them. You're right. You brought it out of the house. Yeah, this movie actually does invoke a few of those cultural themes. And we're gonna get to them. Yeah, that happens. Repeat it.

It's like, you know, there are a couple of things in this movie that I'm like, there's gotta be an ex-mormon on the writing crew. There has to be. And the very first one is like, we see that whole interaction with Johnny, right? And also we see Johnny not finishing Ma's chair, right? So she brings his chair and she doesn't finish it. That's important because it's going to come back.

And that is that that chair in the later scenes, that's another signal that I'm like, they got, they got an ex Mormon on the writing staff and nobody in the actual filming crew knows it. But this writer is fucking brilliant. Absolutely. I will say they were pretty impressed with themselves with this chair thing. Okay. So, all right. So we're going to title card our way to independence Missouri 1831 and this is there's supposed to be in Zion and the first thing we see is just Horse shit trough roads Right, I'm like, wow that doesn't look like Zion okay, whatever streets of gold

So he's a horse shit same thing. Oh a parent ah Well, I will say this the paradise ain't in fucking Ohio. So this was a, this is a bad stop. Right. And we see a town hall meeting where a local guy is objecting to the Mormons because they oppose slavery. Yes. Yes. What happened? This is okay. So Mormons being opposed to slavery marks the first and only time they were on the right side of history. Yeah, but let's be clear about it though, it's not like the miseries were sitting around going, oh, those damn abolitionist Mormons, that's the singular thing we hate about them. So this, okay, because it's a movie, they had to take some artistic license and simplify things.

But like the whole opposition of Missouri against the Mormons is actually a lot more complex. And it makes a lot of sense, right? And it's always seen as like religious persecution. And that's only one small piece of the puzzle like abolitionism was, right? But like Missouri was a largely unsettle land, right? So Andrew Jackson had just signed the Indian Removal Act in 1830 and began the campaign of stealing thousands of square miles from Native Americans and then auctioning off all of that land to be colonized by Americans with heavy subsidies. So basically people could just move out to this land, put in crops, and then in two years, the government would be like, it's your land. Have fun. Right. As long as you're white, right? So the Mormons started doing that, which amounted to them just squatting

on the land. And they also moved it, moved in in incredible numbers and started like electing people to, you know, electing Mormons to government offices, and they voted as a block. So that was like really, really bad. People don't like you, like, you know, electing Mormons to government offices and they voted as a block. So that was like really, really bad. People don't like you, like, you know, outsiders coming in and voting, you know, outnumbering your votes. They're also teaching freed slaves how to read with their book of Mormon, which that was kind of one of the main things that kept slavery going as an institution for so long. Hey, look, if there's anything that's going to turn slaves off of reading forever, I mean, I feel like they're doing a favor to the slave owners here.

Excuse me. Hi, I have spent 26 years trying to escape my masters, but I just got to Alma. I would like to go back to the sound of the music. I'm going to return myself, please. Yep. Well, and the most important part too is like, not only were they squatting, but they were stealing, right? So a revelation that Joe gave in 1831 says, quote, I will consecrate the riches of the Gentiles

unto my people, which are the house of Israel, end quote, well, which the Mormons did. They were just stealing shit. Yeah. Well, and here's the other thing too, is that like when they're presenting this to Mormon children I guess it's pretty bad that the guys sitting there going like, they're gonna like Mormon judges and they're gonna like Mormon mayors and stuff like that. But like imagine like insult like city if a bunch of atheists or a bunch of fucking whatever, you know, a bunch of Baptist were moving in and they were like, man, they're gonna like Baptist judges and Baptist mayors and shit. The fucking Mormons would freak this shit out and and and they would sign the fucking Baptist removal proclamation or whatever.

Yeah. Oh, no, like, like apply Islam to any of this. Just substitute it out. Right. And it's, it's 2019, right? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. All right.

So, but the key though is that the bad slavers want to run off the Mormons. So they torched the Mormon shit and then they, they tar in feather a guy, which I mean, I get to that's bad, but you're dressed like a chicken at the end. I can't feel bad for a man dressed as a chicken. That's too hilarious to torture. Well not only that, but like, look, there is some horrible stuff to the history of taring and feathering, but not when it comes to white people, so they're playing the Schindler's music, right? It's like Bernanene, and the guy's just like, I look all silly now.

It's real hard, it is to shower in the 1800s. You guys, because you're jerks. These are my pants. A detail in this that I, I had to pause it because I was laughing so hard. Now I don't know if, either of you guys noticed this, but when they're burning down the printing press, a guy rides his horse into the shop. Yep. And then the fire. Well, yeah, fucking torch. Okay. Have you ever ridden a horse in a confined area? How about a confined area that's on fucking fire?

Didn't seem like a great move. So now, okay, so they run them off from Missouri. Now they go to Clay County, Missouri, because they weren't done squatting and Missouri, but they're further from all the white people anyway. And now Bryce, again, sorry to make you be our historian here, but the narrator proposes it like this. We tried to get a land back, but you know, that didn't quite work out. Is that what happened? Click out in Missouri. It's just nicely asked for their land. It was never their land to begin with. So, well, it's really complex, right? Okay. So they did ask nicely for their land back, but the Missourians then proceeded to like war with the Mormons openly and like public riots and fighting in the streets and tarring in featherings and whippings and shooting somebody until the city of Clay County where they were staying was like, hey, you guys got to get the fuck

out. You said you were going to crash for like a week and a half. And you fucked up myself. Who is this? A girlfriend? You can't bring her man. This is weird. But also Joe formed an army of 200 dudes and marched them the 800 miles from Kirtland to Missouri to redeem Zion as they called it. And like they never said, hey, where the Mormons were going to make war with Missouri, but like people would ride up to them during this mission trek, as they call it, Zion's camp of this armed militia traveling across the plains. And people would ride up and say, Hey, who are you? What's going on? They're like, Oh, we're travelers from the east and we're headed to the west. Don't pay attention to us.

And then Missouri was like, what the fuck? The Mormons are coming in and like hundreds of them are coming to kill us. Yeah, we're going to get rid of every single Mormon here. It was really messy. Yeah. Well, that's yeah, exactly. But rather than show us the bit where they have an armed fucking militia marching towards the Missourians that are pissing them off, they're just like, anyway, nothing, nothing about Clay County. And here's the title card for the city of far west, Missouri. It's 1836 now, guys. No, no, no, no title card, no title card. I didn't know any of this shit. I was just like, did the fucking give shop at the Mormon fucking museum in Clay County's temple pay for that scene

or something. But now it makes way more sense. This movie uses title cards the way I don't use dates on job applications, right? They're like, wow, you've had a lot of, oh, three months. What happened? You stole a bunch of shit. Yeah, you stole a bunch of shit. Ha, ha, ha. All right, so but when they get to far west, Missouri, and that's when brother Johnny, who ran off all those years ago, shows up. Years, Johnny. Yeah, there we go. Now he's super sorry, he wasn't around when Mama died. He brought the chair though.

Remember the chair? He brought the chair that he never finished from Mama. Oh, the chair goes back. And there's this amazing moment where Johnny's like, Dad, can you ever forgive me? He's like, maybe, maybe. What a weird moment to put in your movie. I feel like it holds his hat down in his waist and like waddles back and forth, kicks a rock.

Maybe. Yeah, but then we get introduced to I have like this is not the payless, but the Ross Jamie Presley. And oh my god, she is. You're talking about sister Catherine. Oh, yes. We like. I'm sorry guys, you can have sister Catherine.

This is also the first time we see grown up Eliza and grown up Eliza is crazy amounts of hot. Oh, I was absolutely in love with Eliza there. Look, I'll tell you, there are benefits to Mormon movie month. We get to see attractive people one month a year. Yeah. That's the thing though. But isn't that the thing? This is one of those moments where the exmo actually snuck in some truth because they're like, see two beautiful women. That's how we're going to make Mormons, guys. That's how we got them suckered in. And that's how we're going to make Mormons. They were being really honest here. And I reveal myself right at my hand. I grew up in Utah, so I'm more attracted to the

blonde hair blue eye to one. Yep, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The marker. Not see. That's cool. That's cool. Not see. All right. Yeah. So now we cut to two years. Where the clip of him saying build the wall.

Yeah. Right there. You all heard it. All right. So now I have a clip of Eli saying that Mormons committed genocide. Were you Genics? Were you Genesis? No.

Okay. I have a clip of you say that Nice for you to give me that black male material. All right, so now it's two years later It's March of 1838 and dad is leaving on a mission trip With a self-neck He's like God always said the stupid idiots I mean that's me all over. Is it me all over?

Come on. All right, I'm gonna abandon you guys and go to England to tell people about New Jesus. I'm leaving in March 1838. I miss all the cool shit that happens here. Yeah, right, right. Good timing. I also love, he's like, don't worry, Jacob is gonna look after you.

And he's like, look after and he's like, that's exactly Jacob is going to look after you. And he's like, she's like, look after. And he's like, that's exactly what you think it means. Yes, this 25 year older than you guy who's balding and disgusting and older than me is going to look after you. The two of you will be engaged when I get back. And I will not be weirded out by this. Did it? How can we keep using air quotes every time you say, look after you? No, I'm not. I'm just trying to scratch the air. He's going to see you just see what you're doing.

You slow down. Don't do that. Stop slowing down. No. And this is the next moment where I'm like, there's the next Mormon writer on the staff here, because the old man, I call him Bilbo, right? He looks like Bilbo Baggins, right? When Bilbo's like grabbing for the ring, like his face is all fucked up, right? So he hugs Johnny. They have like the reconciliation moment. And this is where Bilbo says to Johnny,

don't just up and join the Mormon church because of a pretty face. Yep. And all I could think of was you log on to the ex-Mormon subreddit and you will see how often this happens where people join just because God damn it. She's so pure and delight some. Okay. Pure and delight some. That's what they changed it from white.

Oh, did they all. Okay. All right. All right. How progressive of them. Look, I'm just saying, if you guys had gotten to me when I was 17, I'd be arguing with you on YouTube right now. Yeah.

It's a good fucking movie, man. So all right. So now we're going to cut to Western England. And that was my favorite title card because that's not a place. I mean, England is a place and thus it has a west. But who the fuck you wouldn't divide England into East and Western England? Where the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, dad's mission in Western England.

Oh my God. The accents here, then I should say, Vennon act. Yes. Uh, this is so Mormon. Well, the one guy's trying so hard, and then the next guy isn't trying it all, makes you miss the guy who is trying so hard, right? And he's like, and he just tries to do it by like going, what, pirate?

Because he's like, yeah, his bottle is profits and she's like, everything, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, me. I am Andy Wersen. I run a convention. All right. But accent was British guy. He's a bit of a hunk too. He's not Joseph Smith hot, but he's pretty hot. He's pretty into this whole Mormonism thing. He's very excited about a chance to read Jesus 2.0.

So he goes to buy his book of Mormon. He's a penny short though. But David Bilbo is such a nice guy. He gives this guy a book of Mormon one penny off. Okay. It's your movie. You do not have to include the part where it's like, can I have that religious holy text?

I mean, yeah, you got to pay shipping and handling things. If you pay me, you can join my religion. Well, it's nice to know that I mean, this movie even captured how they had to lower the price of the book of Mormon. They started the book of 25. I like it. The five shillings in its ears, bro. And also know I have to take exception with what you said about David because he is fucking

gorgeous. He is. Oh, he is. he is the chiseled jaw. He looks like a live action tarzan. He is, oh my God. He, I like, oh my, he's so, so profoundly gorgeous. And well, I mean, of course, you gotta feel the foreshadowing because in the previous scene, Eliza was like, I never knew that mission would change my life forever. Then they show this similarly aged beautiful man. And you're like, Oh, all right, foreshadowing. Okay. This is the Mormon version of foreshadowing. Apparently, yeah. Yeah. All right. So, but David loves the book of Mormon. Remember when they

said this was based on true events, I told you was bullshit that. But he loves the book of Mormon, and he wants to be a Mormon. So he goes to see his Protestant priest and says, hey, man, is it cool if I just decided to be a Mormon? And the priest says, well, I guess, yeah. Yeah, church of England, we've never cared that much. Well, you're gonna do what you're gonna fucking do. You want to help me sweep up around here?

Catholic priest. I'm fucking to fuck kids, but I have to have ladies. It's the worst. Well, and interesting too is, and I know Heath is going to love this, but this is like the scene of setting up the Mormon immigration program that funneled thousands of white Europeans across the Atlantic and into the Utah territory while the Mormons were killing off thousands of Native Americans. So what we're seeing is the birth of the most successful is probably the wrong word to use American eugenics experiment in all of American history. Yeah.

Yeah. This is cool. So now, yeah, it's pretty depressing when you think of the reality behind all this. So now Eliza's back home. She's reading a letter from dad about this very handsome British Mormon that he made. And the letter ends with like, and remember if anyone comes to kill you, it's worth it because Joseph Smith isn't a huckster. And then as she's reading that part of the fucking note, like a mob shows up to kill them

all, that's Mormon. That's more than four shadowing right there. Oh yeah. She starts to write him, Dad, you will not believe this. I was reading your letter. I'll tell you when you get back. I'll put this in my mouth. If they kill me and you can, you can pry it out. You'll, you'll, you'll giggle.

You'll have a chuckle. Dad, you're missing all the action. Yeah. So this is interesting too, because this is where it's talking about the extermination. But the Missourians weren't the first ones to say, because it has aligned. The Mormons must be treated as enemies. They must be driven from the state or if necessary, exterminated. Right? Sydney Rigden was a leader of the church. He was the first one to use the term extermination. And if you don't mind me, a brief quote from Sydney Rigden.

Quote, we take God and all his holy angels to witness this day that we warn all men in the name of Jesus Christ to come on us no more forever, Kiggy. For for from this hour, we will bear it no more. Our rights shall no more be trampled on with impunity. That man or set of men who attempts it does it at the expense of their lives. And that mob that comes on us to disturb us,

it shall be between us and them a war of extermination. For we will follow them till the last drop of their blood is spilled or else they will have to exterminate us. And they were like, okay, if you say so right now, we'll do it. Yeah. Basically, this guy walked into town and he was like, if anyone bothers us, one of us better exterminate the other. And the town was like, yes. And he was like, oh, damn it. Oh, persecution again. Yeah. Guys, a cross off, start by threatening extinction from the ideas list and we get to a new town.

Okay. So a couple of things I want to point out about this scene. First of all, we check it with the bad guys, IE, the American government, right? And then they say, one guy says to the others like the rumors on confirm but i hear the mormons are raising an army against us they were the movie doesn't like actually mention that no that rumor was correct right that the movie wants to sell it as this bullshit rumor they were acting on but no they were though yet no an army army of israel and also a shadow enforcement squad, they called

the, the denights, right? They had two separate armies. Yes, and they were like, he's, that's what he had wrong. It's he underestimated the number of armies they were raising against the US government. And like they actively ward against the Missouri government, like the Missouri militias, like they, the battle of crooked river, they like shot and scattered all of the, the, the militia, they, they took prisoners from the Missouri militia and then, you know, like square square quotes, let them go so that they could post up a sniper at the end of the road and

shoot them dead, right? Like they, they robbed and pillaged towns nearby. The JTL towns like the Mormons were the fucking problem in this equation. Yeah. But no, we're going to skip over all of that and jump straight to Hans Mill in 1838. Yeah. The Mormon Holocaust. Here we are. Fuck off. Yeah. So they're in Hans Mill and the Lynch mob just comes to massacre him out and nowhere, guys, just unprovoked because they hate it. They're pure and anti slavery stance so very much.

But this is where we're going to kill off Johnny to her brother dies in the firefight at Hans Mill. And look, this is supposed to be a very tragic scene and they might have had a chance to emotionally affect me at all. If the very first decision of background extra didn't make would be to run in a full petty coat into a frozen river. Okay, wait, wait, two things that we have to point out about the scene. Number one, there's a bridge immediately behind her in the scene. Yeah, yeah. She walks around the bridge. Everyone

else is running across the bridge. And number two, right, she goes to run through the ice, but she breaks through. They just told us it's October 30th, right? Like you know, good damn well. And it froze over by October 30th. And secondly about this scene, and I'm going to say most importantly, at 19 minutes and 11 seconds, there is a woman in blackface. I think you're right. Yep. Yep. I had to get on with it a few times.

Yep. They very clearly were like, guys, to everyone's white in the scene. We need, because they were so anti-slavery, we need to play it up. And one woman raised her hand, one hero raised her hand. I've got a great idea. I have some shoe polish right here. I think you're right. I saw that coming in your notes as I was watching it.

And I'm like, no, Eli always says weird shit like that. He's just making fun of some poor black woman. And then I saw it. I'm like, I don't think he is 19 minutes and 11 seconds. You decide. Listening audience. You got to be sympathetic to the filmmakers. This was the 1990s. The church didn't have any black members to play extras. That's true. No, that is true. I got an A for adapts, improvise and overcome. Good job, guys. Yes. All right. But yeah, but ultimately they, they, they, they're massacred at, at Hans Mill and the

feds tell them they need to get the fuck out of Missouri. This is also where Joseph Smith is arrested. Well, and hang on. Like during the actual massacred, I don't know whose idea that what this was, but it's like, let's hold up in this tiny building with slats that are right enough to fit gun barrels through. Yeah. Yeah. Good one, Bill. Everything will be great, then. Like, you fuck, like this is the worst idea you just created a death box for yourself. Right. No, exactly. We'll have them reverse surrounded. Yeah. All right.

So, okay, but they get massacred and they have to regroup in commerce, Illinois. And they say, I love the scene starts with a, we settled in a sick, infested swamp on the Mississippi. And I'm like, that is the nicest way anyone has ever described Illinois. I think that was the high point for Illinois descriptors. Yep. And again, the narration here is like, we regrouped inside a swamp. Not the best plan on us, if I'm being honest,

to stay in the swamp. Anyways, I got sick and got healed by our Jesus. Let's get to that. Yeah. Where we get the passive aggressive healing scene. Yes. Oh, this was weird. This was weird, especially because we know that Joe's going to be raping her soon, right?

Yeah, right. Right. So Eliza's got the flu and she's losing her faith because her brother got shot to death in the face and their savior is in prison. But this is just like, you, you gotta keep the faith, lady. And that's, and Joseph Smith shows up and he's like, I was released from prison. Is there, did they like censor out the truth for this film? I was.

He is now continuing to move like an old Godzilla boom from prison. Fuck a shot. Oh, sorry, they kept the fuck a fucking child part. Yeah, this movie is the bill bar summary of Mormon history. Yeah, right. Yes. Yes. Uh, yeah, and this was really weird too, because like Joe comes to her bedside to heal her

when she's inches from death. And then it's weird too, because she doesn comes to her bedside to heal her when she's inches from death. And then it's weird too, because she doesn't look up first. And he just walks up and grabs her hand, which super fucking creepy, right? And you like for you get an eighth of a second of an interaction where she's like, what the fuck is going on here? And then he's like, he's the most beautiful smiling humble, pious prophet. And he says, you look quite the way I feel, sister, with his fuck me eyes turned up to 11. Like, you got them Prince charming. This, uh, yeah, this was, uh, this was a troubling time to see Joseph.

And again, way more uncomfortable when you know that in the real history, he rapes that girl. Yep. Are you better yet? You're about to turn 21. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly. For me.

Yep. I'm Joseph Smith. I rape young women and I approve of this message. So, okay. So I'm going to change out. Joseph Smith to Bryce Blank and I go in. Yeah. Just, we have a bunch of clips of you saying I'm Bryce Blank and we do.

We do. I'm on a charge of the edit here. I feel like I need final approval and veto power on this. All right. So now we're in aston liverpool, England, which is by the way a distinct place from Western England, deliverable west of that is Ireland people. All right, but it's it's all the fucking way west is what it was anyway. So hand some accentless British guy is boarding the ship to America because he's ready to be a Mormon now. Yep. Any, any he comes over to the guy who gave him the book of Mormon. He's like, hey, have some money and I wanted the guy so badly to be like, oh, yeah, no, I remember. Oh, interest. There's

actually quite a bit of interest. I'm a Mormon. Trude. And then of course he says, you know, now we're even and he's like, no, I will be forever in your debt, John, because you're the one who sold me the false religion and forced me to uproot my life and immigrate across the country and then eventually head out to Utah to starve and die of disentant. That being said, I will be fucking your crazy smoking hot daughter by the end of the so worth. So bad. So okay. And then they, okay, now we cut

to we're in Navu in 1841 and over and over again, we've seen these montages of industrious Mormons trying to build a city that they're going to get run out of. So my note on this one was just, and then we built another castle and it burned down fell over and then sank into the swamp. You can see the extras like half-hearting at the Burned up to one city take 47 this one Gonna be Zion. I wouldn't I wouldn't pound those steaks too deep in I was you Maybe just put them onto something heavy. You know, there's a reason the Israelites made the tabernacle portable.

Yeah, right. I'm building this shit out of stone. It was fucking stupid. And I love this too because the narrator says truly, Joseph Smith was a prophet of God within three years, the city of Navu rose like a miracle from the dreary swamps of commerce. It became the largest city in the state of Illinois. Like, yeah, so we're judging the metric of the truthfulness of a religion based on how well they can build a building.

Okay. But like, okay. So like, do we know how Navu was actually built? It was debt and counterfeit money. That's how Navu was built. And it turns out that that's a lot easier way to build a city than saying it's a want to really, oh, he just signed a dozens of contracts for hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt.

And then him and his marry prankster is just made up a whole bunch of fake money to pay for everything. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. No, that's fine. A bank. I would love Naboo. Yeah. It's all right.

But hey, it's guys, it's time for a musical break. The entire town is going to get together and sing a boy is Naboo. Great. Him. I wrote my notes. Oh, damn. This him is my jam. Everyone in Naboo.

I wrote my notes, oh, damn, this him is my jam, everyone in Navu. Well, they're also like in perfect tune and everything with each other. And I love this too, because like the cornerstone is suspended above the ground before they lower it. And it's the most perfectly square stone that I have ever seen. And it's just blow inside the side in the wind. The only other thing about this scene that I love is the super duper casual. I'm going to marry your daughter thing. Literally, this is what happens. Old guy, Jacob, who is now seduced this teenager is like, Hey, welcome back. I'm going to marry your daughter. And

the father responds by saying, cool, this is David. Sorry, I don't want to be rude. This is David. And yeah, you can marry my daughter. Well, and I also love David because David at this point, from this point on for the rest of the movie, every time he sees Jacob and Eliza, he will say something along the lines of damn Jacob. You're really, really, really lucky that you get to have sex with this beautiful, amazingly hot woman. I'm sorry. What were you saying, Jacob? You said something about I had a hammer something or something. I was talking about how fuckable your wife was. Fight the odds. It was. Yeah. It wouldn't be a based on history type of documentary like this is if there weren't competing

love interests. Right. Well, exactly how real world stuff works. All right. So David introduces himself to Joseph Smith, very big moment in David's like David is handsom accentless British guy that now wants to focalize even though she's engaged to James sexy tarzan. I like Dave. Andank sexy tarzan.

I liked it. And now sexy tarzan is on screen with sexy Joseph Smith. I have never wanted anything to turn into gay porn more in my entire life. Oh, any fanboys out. It's the weirdest scene. He's like, hi. Uh, what? Uh, stupid. I joined your religion, but Joey kind of fanboys out about himself too. Right? He was like, hey, I'm into. Oh, yeah, he's like, well, I'm only a human being.

What am I? He human me. I mean, barely, barely. Yeah, friends call me Joseph Christ. He is this great fake humble brag moment when he goes, please call me brother Joseph, profit of God. Don't leave that second wild car. Yeah.

And then David sexy tarz says, I was baptized by John Williams in England. That's a real guy. And then Joe says, Oh, you're, you're totally a brother now. Here's a special handshake. Yeah. I love it. Did you bring any daughters with you here? No, but I'll let you use my wife later. So, David says, tell me what you

want to do. And Joey's like, was that it? Will you often sex there? If not, then I have some shit you can hammer. But I got some shit you can hammer. I got a sex vibe, but you tell me I got something you can hammer if you got someone I can hammer. There you go. So, okay, so now we cut to the quarry where 50% of the remainder of this movie will take place, right? They're stocking up for their awesome temple. And we get to see where David basically comes up and goes like, damn, Jacob, your fiance

is so hot and awesome and beautiful and amazing. I sure wish that I got to have sex with her. And Jacob is like, well, thank you very much. Thank you. That's very interesting. Jacob's the best. He's the guy handing out food at the orgy.

Just like, you're getting enough water, you're getting enough energy. But you're fucking so great right now, man. I'm so proud of you in the way you're fucking. Jacob is the guy that like finds out who the seed bearers are. And it's like, hey, hey, you know, spend a night with us. He really caught me dead. Now, okay, so when they're, they're making these, these blocks, I thought this was amazing.

The, the stone blocks, they're all perfectly square and that they, and they're huge too. All of the rough stones that the maasons are working on there are much smaller than the square blocks that surround them. So I guess that, that's like they shape them roughly and then they like transmute them into perfect cubes or something. Is that, is that a masonry works? He get back to me, man. They built them with energy on cubes. I it's a.

So okay. So the dad, we have a quick scene where the dad tells handsome British guys like, hey, knock it out, Mr. Handsome British guy. My daughter is going to marry that bald guy. He already paid me a good price for her. And then we get immediately after that, Jacob standing there in the middle of the town going, I cut wood faster than anyone. Why who would like to bet my future wife's vagina on their ability to cut wood

faster than me? And David's like, Hey, you know what, I would like to do that. I wanted a montage of all the times that Jacob has said that and no one's taking him on it. Just get the pulse of the side. Hey, man, you got to stop trying to bet her the China on your woodcutting stuff. I really appreciate you bringing those Oreos. That was great, but stop trying to high five people at the orgy. You're just, you're wrecking the vibe, right? You're making you're wrecking the vibe right you're making it weird What I love so this tells you how clever David is right the guy the guy's like I want to do a wood chopping challenge With somebody and he's like I'll would chop with he's like let's put a little something on the line He's like what do you have in mind? He's like first dance with your fiance and Jacob so fucking stupid He's like yes like dude you already had that locked down like mr. Handsome British guy should have to put up something too, right?

But if I lose, you have to dance with our weight. Yeah. Hold on. High five. And I love this too, because once the actual competition starts, David like rolls up his sleeves and slow motion and flips back his hair and the sun is shining off of the sweat glistening arms. And Eliza was I fucking the shit out of muscle tarzan here. I was wet for her. I gotta say beautiful scene. Back in the 1830s, apparently 1840s, women

were way cooler with you betting them on wood chopping. Contests, but I will say I will say the watching these two guys try to outcut wood from each other. Still more interesting than over the tops finale. That is a better way that movie could have gone. That is a lumberjack contest. That is fair. And this also strikes me as something that Heath would do with his dad just for fun.

Oh, yes, absolutely. There is no way of how. Yes, absolutely. The two of them haven't done it. And that he didn't get a toothpick in a fucking English muffinous punishment for beating his dad. Right. Started doing it wrong. His dad hit him with a car or some other hellish story that he just now realized isn't funny. Oh, no, you like this one. Totally measured once. So I messed it up, right? And so dad, he has this pickup truck. And I, I have tons of lightest. So my bedroom, he feeds this hose

that's attached to the tailpipe into my window. Okay, moving on. All right. I bought myself shoes with the nickname I made for myself. So now we cut to the dance that they were talking about that they were betting the first day they were betting first dance with her at this dance. So we cut to the dance so that we can learn that Mormons do too, not how to fucking party. Oh yeah.

I love Jacob standing over in cuckled corner watching it kind of jerk it off through his pants as this very handsome guy dances with his, if you guys are doing a dirty dancing crawl scene together and shit. Yeah, but it's all okay because you could fit a book of Mormon edgewise between them. So it's all okay. It's quite yet. Is that how they measure it? Yeah, with wise though.

And then David walks her home in the fastest escalating courtship I've ever seen. Now I'm not ex-mormon, but the fastest one I've ever seen. He says, I'd like to call on you. She says no to which he responds, marry me to which she responds. You sound just like my brother. What was that? That was so bad. And then she's like, well, but

I'm betrothed to Jacob and he's like a father to me. Wait, you're doing fucking wrong. Yeah. This is a conversation straight out of BYU. First day ever. Is it? Yep. This girl definitely has a thing and I just wanted the movie to acknowledge it. Alazza, I would have you for my wife. Why do I have to be the girl? Just do it, Bryce! Oh, David, you sound just like my brother! Oh, I'm sorry, what?

My brother, Johnny, so strong of will and arm was he oh? Okay But you but maybe don't compare me to your brother Right after I propose to you very well, but I cannot be your wife or I am promised to Jacob But I love you more, but he's like a father to me Jesus What? I did it again didn't I? Yes, right after I said it you did. Sorry look, David I long for you.

I love you like a sister. Well come on. Like a step brother like the porno's. Okay, fine, but only because we're Mormons. Yeah, I mean, like honestly, I would have much rather been watching Incess porn with this woman. I'm also... Let's genocide in those.

Yeah, yeah, depends on the genre. And also, I wanna point out, this is another time when I feel like there's the ex-mormon on the writing crew because she, yes, they're walking and, you know, chatting and whatnot. She says, I, uh, you're working on the sunstone for the temple is exquisite. Now that's going to come back. But we'll talk, I think we'll talk about it later, but the whole sunstone thing is really controversial and weird in Mormon history. But once again, like, this is their movie. They don't have to have that in there.

But somebody was just sly enough to slip that little reference in there. Gotcha. And so that you would know what it meant and none of us would. All right. So but basically Eliza says, you know, I don't want to date you. I'm, I'm betrothed to this other guy. And then he kisses her. And because Mormon girls are like cookies, whoever licks her first gets her.

Yep. So this is pretty much sealed now. He might as well go to Jacob's house knock on the door and be like, dibs. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. You like apples? Yeah. And this was clearly non-consensual. She was surprised by this. Like the

movie built up to it. And there's nice music in the background. So it's all okay, right? But also like, she's married to Joseph Smith this whole time. Oh, she is too competing love interests are going at each other. Okay. And well, okay. So revealing that this is all fiction because she was married to Joseph Smith, she was, she wouldn't have actually been at the dance parties. Like a lot of his younger wives left behind accounts that they were very frustrated in Nauvoo that Joseph wouldn't let them to go to the dance parties because he was scared somebody like sexy tarzan would suck them up. So yeah, yeah, again, cool.

First person like some. All right, well, this movie's getting a little racy for Mormon movie months. So we're going to pause for a quick trip to the fainting couch. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will the Mormons kill the fuck out of a lot of people? Will that somehow not make it into the movie? Why or why not show your work? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the it just ends conclusion of legacy, the story of the Mormon pioneers. Like seriously, this was a documentary where somebody basically shows up and goes like, no more questions, no further questions. Jacob Wolves take on more minutes.

you know whenever he takes a vacation we usually like to have a little fun at his expense while we're gone whether it's buying heathenright.com and directing it to the ramen page or starting the hashtag heath doesn't watch the movies but luckily for us he throw us this week's wix head to read well he's gone. Hey Noah! Hello Eli, boy I sure do miss Heath because he is smart and funny and the best on our shows. He's probably the smartest guy in the world, a towering intellect only matched by his abnormal stature and contrasted by his intoxicating laugh. You said it Bryce, he is smart and funny, and that is the joke. It's

funny how funny and smart he is. Websites. Yes, websites are almost as good and funny as he does, and when I make a website, I use wix.com. Heath knows what wix.com is because he's smart, but I do not. Heath knows what everything is. He's a genius. Wix.com is the best, most beautiful way to build a website that isn't Heath. Because Heath could figure it out. Probably that's the joke. Is that Heath is so smart and clever, he could guess how to build a website.

That's the joke. He's probably even smart enough to make four different podcasts with his different personalities. Pause for huge laughs. No, I think that's a stage direction. Right. Yeah, no, that makes more sense. Over 140 million people use Wix for their website.

You can choose from over 500 stunning templates, published for free, and all their websites come with built-in SEO tools. Wow. How do I get started? It started now by going to wix.com, that's wix.com slash podcast to get 10% off. wix.com slash podcast. He's jokes cover a wide variety of topics. And while he is a master of the English language, he isn't defined by it.

He's a master of all languages. He's basically John D. Is it any mystery why heath likes geometry so much and goes by 007? Hmm. And when you think about it, that is both very funny and his thing.

Yep. As we descend further into the hellscape that is this movie, it's worth considering that despite all that this shows us, this is their sunny lie. So with that in mind, and thanks to Bryce, we've got another slightly more truthful dramatic reading by John Aminson circa 1876.

Since we were still a thousand miles away, many who are acquainted with the climatic conditions of the region were of the opinion that we ought to winter in Florence. But the oldest son of the prophet, H.C. Kimball, then rode into the camp and delivered a speech in which he sternly rebuked those of little faith, and he promised that he would stuff into his mouth all the snow they would ever get to see on their journey to the valleys. With this, of course, every doubt had to vanish altogether. We thought we had now suffered the worst, but now cold and nakedness were added to hunger and overstrain.

During the night, the snow had fallen a foot deep in the area around street water. Now appeared doubly desolate and comfortless. Our last provisions had been distributed, and as for the animals, where were they to find fodder? Three days slipped by, but no wagons came. Captain Kimball now decided to make forced marches. The next morning, 14 immigrants were found frozen dead in our camp. Two more died later on in the day.

They were all buried in a large rectangular grave, which because of the cold, had to be dug out in the ground by oxen. This was the first fruit of the forced march of George Kimball, the snow prophet. I myself was simple-minded enough to threaten him that I would present a complaint against him to Brigham Young, oh, you trusting Simpleton, the prophet laughed right in my face. It was no longer necessary for him to wear the mask

of his counterfeit holiness. Through the Mormon sheep's fleece, the wolves' claws were beginning to show secret history. Circa 1876 by John Robinson. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off. David was kiss raping Eliza and we're going to pick back up with him surreptitiously courting her against her will. Now the music is certain that this is all kinds of charming, right?

Yep. Yep. So don't worry, it's not inappropriate. All right. Meanwhile, back to Stonequarrying. With the least realistic hammering sound effect I've ever seen way he's like very gently moving his arm and hammering directions and the sound is like Kapaa hammer Kapaa like they ran out of money and the guy was like, okay, so what do we got to leave out of the movie?

And they were like, just the hammering sound effects. He was like, way ahead of you. Give me a tin can with some string and the reel of the final film. And I love this too because right before we go to the stone quarry, there's like a three second to scene where David, uh, sexy tarzan pulls a flower from a flower cart and gives it to Eliza. And Jacob is sitting in a carriage that is like the Eliza standing near and as sexy Tarzan is walking away, Jacob turns around and looks and we see the birth of the jealous girlfriend meme. It is beautiful.

This is 15 years before Reddit was born and here it is. They are. They are. They are. They are in jealous meme. I love it. I love it. Okay. Well, and then, okay. So right after that, the quarrying scene, we have to resolve this love triangle, obviously, and we do it in the laziest, dumbest way possible, not even the Mormon way of Mary, both of them. Right. Yeah. No, not at all. Well, it's

because it's two guys, but yeah, the other love, the other love triangles go the other way and they're not a problem for the Mormons, but Jacob basically just comes up to him with a hammer. And he says, Hey, I hear you. I can see that you want to fuck my fiance and there's like, yeah, he's like, okay, I've had it. And then he leaves. Yeah. He's so remarkably cool. He's like, so you're courting the woman I'm engaged to. And he's like, yeah. And he's like, well, I think she should choose because honestly, it's about her. And he's just like, well, you were just super not a pilgrim and not Mormon. I have nothing to do with it. I'm going to go back to my weird hammers, sound effect.

You just blew my fucking mind, dude. Yeah. So, yeah, but Eliza has to struggle over handsome tall, accentless, British tarzan guy and older bald guy that trades away first answer with her over a wood-soying competition and reminds her of her father or she chooses wisely. And I love this too, like her, so she gets to decide between us, right? Like we already have decided her face. Between the two of us.

Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's you or me, brother, right? Okay. Yeah. They come back. She's fucking Catherine. Oh, I thought you said. I got you said I choose. You know what? That's on us. Her Jacob stop. And Tarzan could just marry both of them. And then all that conflict resolves itself.

Her her and you know, Eliza and Catherine. Oh, I was thinking and Jacob. I was having a way more fun with this movie than you were. But okay. Oh, yeah. I'm I'm in'm in just about any way that you like you draw the lines between all of the constellations here. It turns out pretty great. Yeah. You get a pretty picture no matter how you connect those dots. Amen, brother.

All right. So she so she marries David and they show him married and in like, I love. Okay. So he sneaks up behind her and blindfolds her and I'm like, oh, kinky shit. Yeah. But no, it's a Mormon movie. So if the rest of this movie had been a scene for seeing pilgrim remake of nine and a half weeks, this is my favorite movie.

But no, he made her a chair. Yeah, he finished that chair. But her brother never finished for mom. He finished it for mom. He finished it for her. And this is, okay, so this is when it all comes back around, the sunstone is carved into the chair. Okay, now really quickly before you tell us what that means,

let me tell you what it means to everyone who doesn't know Mormonism and sees this, it means he fucked up the chair by carving some ugly shit into it. It's so miraculously terrible. It is. It really is. It's so awful. She's just like, a normal person would be like, well, I'm going to need some

epoxy for this now, I guess, but okay. If a toddler brought that chair home, you'd be like, Hey, what did we say about messing up the furniture? Come on. Everybody sees the fridge, though. We can't put it right up the front, the side of the fridge, maybe. This is perfect for the furnace door. Yeah.

Okay. So this is one of those, this is the ex-mormon on their writing staff, right? Because Sunstone, what Sunstone is, is it's a peer review journal and symposium that's held in Salt Lake City in other various locations that like does history that the church does not allow to be told in the pulpit, like over the pulpit, right? So like all of everything that we know about Mormon history in the peer reviewed academic sense. A lot of that was spurned by the foundation of sunstone symposium. And in the in the early 90s, when this was made, there were like the church leaders were publicly declaring do not go to sunstone symposium because

they're they're they're just academics. They're telling truths that are not very useful. And that's where like all of what we know about Joseph Smith really comes from all of the magic shit, all of the treasure digging, the seer stones, everything, all of the most controversial Mormon history, almost all of that has been presented at Sunstone Symposium. And boom, they got the Sunstone on this chair. It didn't need to be in there. They did not need to talk about this. But because there was a next Mormon on the writing staff, they get it in there. And it just, it made my heart sing to see that sunstone there. Amazing. All right. So now they're, okay. So we get Joseph Smith. He's standing. We're in the Navu temple in 1844. It's not quite done.

Yes. So Joey is standing up there on, don't I guess open mic night at the temple Absolutely slaying you know, she's like, you know me without persecution. Could you imagine? I'll be like, yeah, oh like a fish without water. Am I right? I just be flopping around Oh, yeah with my gills this guy gets it over here, this guy gets it with a gills. Fuckin' his stool. Laminites be trying to kill me like this. But Nephites be trying to kill me like this. And in the end, it was the apostates that got him. And the thing is, this is his famed king-fillette discourse that he's giving in April of 1844, like this is the culmination of all of his most insane theology and languages and magic and esoteric rights all put together

into this one final speech that he delivered twice in April of 1844, just two months before he died, right? And the thing is, is like he talks endlessly in this talk about the persecution that he's been suffering. And he makes you think after 14 years of doing this shit with constant persecution, maybe it's you, Joe. Yeah. Maybe you're the problem in this.

Well, okay. But so here's what we get. This is one of the speech we get. First of all, we get him going like, okay, guys, this is going to be my last speech. I'm totally supposed to get shot to death. It's part of the plan. It's all in there, heavenly writing or whatever. And then he goes, now y'all are gonna hear a lot of slanderous shit about me.

After I'm going, I'm here to preemptively deny the things that people haven't said about me yet. Like all innocent people do. No solution. I love his amazing technicality thing as his final moment. He's like, we are the church of Jesus Christ. Of Latter-day Saints, I there to copy, like, thing. I'm in trouble.

I don't know why I chose to end on this. Patent pending. Some restrictions apply. I don't know why I chose to end on this. Patent pending. Some restrictions apply. Please see website for full details. God damn it. Property of intellectual reserve. We will sue the shit out of you.

And I love this because he finished this talk by saying, but their persecutions are vain. Their accusations are false. Literally all of their accusations were true. And they're about to kill him. They weren't in vain because they succeeded at fucking killing him in a jail cell. Like to execute an into death. What's happening? It's like Jesus Christ, man. No man knows my history. All right. So yeah, now we cut to the faithful day at June 27th, 1844. And Jacob is writing through the quarry to announce that Joey's been shot.

And everybody's like, what about the, didn't he have the bulletproof underwear? And I don't ask about the. Wait, did he kill anybody when he got shot? No, I got to go. I'm running late. I have to tell the other side of the stone quarry too. This running through the town to tell the story thing is so fantastic.

He's like, they murder Joseph Smith technically. You're okay. I'm gonna say some more stuff legally. I'm contractually obligated to say some more stuff, but that's all you need to know. Here's what was happening. I was trying to escape the jail and he had brought some friends with them and then they came into the office terrace and he started a shooting. He pretended to be a Mormon or he pretended to be a Mason and they were like, dude, that doesn't work. They shot out of the face. Shoot the bastard.

All right. But yeah, so, but David's very depressed. He's, he's like, well, you know, this is probably wrong. If our guy got shot and killed, right? And, but she hasn't lost her faith, dammit. It must have been God must have intended for them to move on without Joseph Smith at this part with no kind of schisms or anything. No, he's like, I don't know after our profit dies.

Isn't that kind of proof that our religion is bullshit? And she's like, I don't know after our profit dies. Isn't that kind of proof that our religion's bullshit? And she's like, well, as someone who has made it through 46 failed attempts at Zion, I'm going to go ahead and double the fuck down again. And I'm going to need you to double the fuck down with me, David. It was not all of us had a first and second act that involved being in England and getting on a boat. It's a dick face. So my brother was literally shot. Fuck you. Yeah. No, and this is amazing too, because this is almost a point where where sexy Tarzan broke the fourth wall because he's like, he had an army at his command.

Mm-hmm. Yet he allowed himself to be one of the greatest markers of the one true religion is the prophet of it, having an army at his command. And a special forces. Yeah, and a certain withling, whittling brigade. Yeah. So, okay. Yeah. But and then I also love the way that they present the, the, the, the, the leaving navu, right? Because they can't really tell that story in their story either, which is, you know, then the church split up and it was bloody and then we have some of them follow this guy. It's them follow that guy and this guy left and this guy we hung him in his in his

basement. You know, they can't tell any of that shit. So they the way they and it makes no sense because they have to present it anyway as and then we finish that temple we've been working so hard on and left voluntarily because we all wanted to well this temple is all set up i feel like we should probably leave what else are we going to worship in it yeah sounds super just saying it What else are we gonna do? Warship in it? Yes, sounds stupid just saying. No, this is for future Mormons to sell weird trinkets at. And they didn't show the clip of Brigham Young saying, torch that shit on our way out

of town. Did they actually burn it down? Yeah, it burned them. And then a tornado hit it and then lightning struck it. And then there was all that was left was the facade and in like 1860 or 1870s, the Illinois government was like, this is a hazard. We don't have building codes, but Jesus Christ bring this motherfucker down. This is going gonna kill somebody. And then in 2000, the church built it back up again. Well, of course.

With all the symbolism in it too, all the moon stones and sunsets. Anyway, okay, way off track. But yeah, of course they don't talk about the state of Illinois disincorporating the church and revoking the Navu charter and the battle of Navu. They don't talk about any of that. No, they just, no, we're just cutting to Mississippi River in 80s.

Yeah. As they all voluntarily left together after burning down the temple, they just finished with no schisms at all. And of course, I'm watching this and I'm thinking like, guys, you're cocking the wagons, never cock the fucking wagons. Wait for the river to go down, but they cock the wagons. So then they track now I should say from this point on, this movie will have a Lord of the Rings trilogy amount of people walking.

Right. The rest of the movie is walking. Yep. Well, and I love how Eliza sets up this montage too, because she's like the call is like as they're showing them crossing the river and everything. She's like the call of Zion was in our ears, but the memory of Navu was in our hearts. And the trauma of polygamy was in our vagina. I love to.

There's this moment where like they're walking, but then we have to see him rain walking to and David is right is, is like he's got their wagon in the wagon train and it has to like fall into a gully or something. I don't know why it has to, but it's this ridiculous slow motion stun where everybody like basically stops for just a second goes, all right, everybody, all right. Okay, we're okay. We can keep going. We can keep going.

Dude, the horse's performance in this scene is the best in the entire movie Pull the thing back again, and they're like no stop don't I get it You don't know we're making a movie you just got a heavy thing Attached you and like the horse calls its agent like there's an angry smoking horse outside of set feeling this is fucking bullshit They said I was gonna be the horse that saved the day. No, I'm a fucking under five. No, more, this isn't acceptable. I don't care if it keeps my sad card for another six months. I got to quit. I got to quit. And in this scene too, this is a very small detail and you got to pause it at the right

time to see it. But when when Bill Bo, the old man fucks up his leg, they drag him up and, and like lay around him, tarzan humps him like a chihuahua for a second. He really does. Shit. It's okay. I'm glad you caught it too. I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw this. So what it is is the actor who plays David is trying to cheat out to camera because he's like, hey, this might be the DVD color, but instead of just sort of like, keep scooting his body in because he's not quite in frame. And you see the accurate way of the dad being like, cut it out, cut it out, man.

I feel like it's point of fellowship. I don't like this. Two people, two people got that joke. Okay, that's what matters. Generous. Now the migration stops off and council bluffs Iowa in 1846. Right is the Mexican-American war is starting. And the army apparently is so desperate at this point. They're willing to take Mormons. So David is going to go off to kill some Mexicans. I want army recruiter guys story just riding up to strangers on the Oregon trail. And hey, you want to fight some Mexicans?

Yes. All right. Have at it. Bye. Are any of them Christian? Mostly not sort of, but a lot of them. Hi, are they Protestant? No, most of them are Catholic.

Oh, fuck yeah. Let's go. Right. Yeah. We won't need those guys until they kick us out of this country for polygamy. Yeah. We won't need those guys until they kick us out of this country for polygamy. Yeah, so David gets to join up the Mormon battalion and we get this teary-eyed forest scene between Eliza and sexy tarzan. Yeah, and Eliza is sure that this is the one that's going to get her the Oscar. Oh absolutely. Heart and soul into this one scene. Yeah. So yeah, she says, you

know, that we'll meet again in Zion. And then there's this really weird scene. Okay, this is this felt like they were trying to hint to us that there's way more fucked up shit here, but they're not going to tell us, right? This is the winter of 1846. She's like, you know, there was the winter of 1846 was a terrible, terrible time that I never want to think about again. Anyway, so now it's, uh, it's spring of 1847. Anyway, it's a mix. She goes, I don't want to talk about it.

And the movie fucking doesn't. I immediately was like Mormons winter of 1846. What down her part? Shit. This movie miss. 1846, what Donner Park shits in this movie, this movie has been able to sunny side and attempted genocide. And they were like, we're not touching the winner of 1846. All right.

Well, it's a dead babies. Yeah. Well, and like if you go, so I've been to winter quarters, they have like a visitor center there and like a history center and stuff. And the center is across the street from the cemetery that they have, but they, they buried everybody there in winter quarters. And it was shit. Like winter quarters, fucking suck for the Mormons. We can't, we can't mix any words about that, right? So they have in the visitor center entire murals, entire walls like war veterans of children under the age of eight who died at winter quarters. Jesus.

And the lists are really fucking long. Wow. It was, it was bad. Really fucking. Well, right. And here's the thing is, and that's exactly why they can't say anything about it in this movie because as soon as you think to yourself, wow, a lot of kids died just so that you guys could keep your weird fucking religion on the move and keep having sex with multiple women and shit. Then all of a sudden it's real obvious you're the bad guys. Yeah. Did you see them desperately searching their old tiny pockets? I don't have keys to jingle.

I got a jingling. Jingly weird gold coins that he handed out to jingle. I got a jingle. Jingley weird gold coins that he handed out to people, jinglely weird gold coins. And I thought this was, this was super meta, right? Because at one point Eliza is arguing with Bilbo because Bilbo's got his fucked up leg and she's like, no, you're going, God damn it, dad, right? Then she says, Zion is waiting. Let's help God keep his promise. What?

And I thought that was the picture-perfect dialogue to summarize this entire religion in one exchange. Let's help God keep his promise that that one dude who's fucking 50 wives tells us God said, just one more hill to climb one more lesson to give one more time fucking your wife that you don't love. It's one more trial and then God will finally keep his promise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's troubling. All right. So then they walk some more, but don't worry. It's silhouetted this time. So it's a different. It's not the same exact tape.

She said, you know, you know what made me really sad was during this scene, it occurred to me that those are all extras. They didn't see G.I.N. They didn't have like four people walk in different like this is all extras that they actually brought together and dressed in all this old timey shit. That makes it really sad. I have a theory about this. And ex-Morman listeners right now will probably be like, oh, yeah, of course, this is it. But a lot of teenagers, when they are growing up in the church, go

on what they call pioneer track that happens every two years or every four years in warrants. And basically you just rotate around different locations across the country that the church owns a shillow to property and you reenact the Mormon pioneer walk, the whole trek. And you kill a bunch of children in Nebraska and Indians too. But you have to go like you pack up your entire life into these five gallon buckets. You get hand carts to push along that are just, you know, mock up like period time vintage hand carts. And you dress up in like, he oldie clothes that you buy for 75 cents from DI and you go live in the woods, rough in it for five days for a week and you walk for

hours for, you know, six to eight hours every day. And like it sucks. It absolutely sucks. But when the Mormon battalion goes, they like create this situation. Oh, and my theory is that they just during one of these Mormon tracks, that's like, we're going to bring some cameras along and have our stars. Right. So that's how they were able to fund this because it was all free anyway. Yeah.

But during the Mormon, they're during Mormon track, they have what they call the women's pole in order to simulate what happened with the Mormon battalion and most of the men going to leave for the Mormon battalion. They didn't actually kill any Mexicans. They like built a road and then they came back, right? Some of them died from dysentery, but of course. Well, yeah, the vast majority of deaths in that were from malaria and dysentery and shit like that. Yeah. Oregon Trail. You got to love it. So that's like during this women's poll, like all of the men, I experienced this too. It's a very moving time. It's a very, there's just a lot of like cult mind control.

It's happening here. You just stand at the edges of this hill and you just watch all of the women push their handcarts up the hill and it's supposed to symbolize this time when all of the women push their hand carts up the hill and it's supposed to symbolize this time when all of the men left. And all of the women just had to make their way in the world make it the hardest push of entire pioneer trek is all the women doing it. If only that were like modeled in actual the religion itself of like women doing a lot of the work. Now, but still it's, it's, it's

a very moving experience to put kids through at a young age. And it's, it's kind of like the mission you go for the missions, you go for the missionaries, they go to like create a cultural shielding away from any of the anti-morma literature out there that might penetrate that shielding later on in your life. Bryce, you're being a downer on our Pilgrim movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I have a theory and then Eli's comment. All right, no, but I can look, I can bring up the mood. We are about to get by far my favorite scene in this movie or any Mormon movie we've ever done, not any movie we've ever done, but any Mormon movie at all. This is the part where Eliza gives a pep talk to the wounded ox.

This is it's bad. It is impossible to believe that this wasn't a joke, right? Like she was doing this to fuck with the writers and the director. So dummy was like roll with it. She sits there and gives this because you just had to give her dad this pep talk about dad. I know you have the lame leg, but you're going to make it desire and don't give up on us. She's now giving the same fucking pep talk to this ox that's broken. It's leg. I want a dad to be sitting there rolling his eyes. Oh, I thought I was special. Shit, she's gonna do that to a broken

fucking wheel next to you. Yeah. You know, this is this shows like how this movie hits with different people because as I was a kid, like watching this in the legacy theater, I was crying my eyes out, right? Because this pep talks, she's like, I've dragged my family 500 miles. I can't pull the wagon, and then she prays to God. And she's like, I'm God, you can't use your sick of my constant bitching about how hard life is. But you healed me. And I know you can heal this ox. And like for Mormons watching this, that is the most emotive part about this movie. Like that is the tear jerky. And you watch it and you're like, fuck, you're talking to an ox. That's hilarious. I want to go watch this with Mormons now. I want to go watch. I'm going to sit backwards in a theater where

this is playing in Salt Lake City sometime. Just watch Mormons watch this. Is this like your remains of the day, your lives of others? Right? Like you're sitting around with a bunch of other teenagers and they're talking about seven of you and you're like, no, no, no, you guys want to see some fucking film making? You go watch what you see with the camera. That still shows up at Comic Con science pictures tries to fuck 17 year olds weird. They have tissue boxes at the entrance to the theater and not for the reason that Eli might need this. It can be both. All right.

So anyway, so a couple of kids run, come run it through after she cures the ox with her plucky attitude and refusal to back down. Um, the kids come running through to tell them that the Mormon battalions back, David made it home just fine because it was a really small time more and the vast majority of American does were from disease or just getting lost in deserts like idiots. And then and really, correct me if I'm wrong in this mid sentence as she is saying her husband came back. It fades back to present day like she ran out of fucking doodly do.

Am I crazy? No, it was a harsh shift from one to the other. We were just suddenly like the floor fell out from under the doodly doer. So there were basically like fucking repo guys showing up for the old timey shit as that changed. Yeah. So we cut back to old lady Eliza telling this story and she gives little pop I her her copy of the book of Mormon that Joseph Smith gave her when she was only 13 and he decided he was eventually going to fuck her. Yeah, yeah. In this moment, like, you have to read the undertones.

She's like, this is the book, the Prophet Joseph Smith gave me a few years before he raped me, but hey, you know what? I'm a woman in a disgustingly sexist religion and I'm wife number 21 of 56. And this is the Victorian era. So I'm taking this trauma and night tears right with me to the fucking grave.

Sure, sure, grandson. Go get baptized. I don't give a fuck. You're a boy. This religion's awesome for you. And her grandson looks her in the face and he's like, so you got a free book and she's like, yeah, I got a free. Yeah. I love to basically the last line they give her is, baby, I'm paraphrasing a little bit here, but she basically says, and remember, make sure you're always a Mormon or your grandma will have died for nothing. Never stop being Mormon, Jeb a Daya, Blank a Nagle. Never stop being Mormon. You basically got the film equivalent of my mother's emails.

You're so funny, you don't need to swear. You don't, you don't need it. Alright, but then, okay, and then the movie ends, but there's like three minutes of just blackness as though they accidentally wrote the credits with a black font and didn't realize it. If we want to make it to the prestigious platform known as YouTube, you will. But that's what I'm wondering if there's a whole bunch of shit at this end of this movie that just says, whatever you don't put this shit on YouTube or the fucking God awful movies, guys will find it.

And they had to black out or something at the end here because like there's music that goes on for like three minutes over a black screen at the end. Well, that's because in the legacy theater, that's like the, they're playing people out. They have the super emotive music. They close the curtains in front of the screen and they let the music keep playing and playing as everybody just dries their eyes and filters out of the theater. I'm sorry. I'm, I'm positive.

I guess I'm getting to this a little late. The legacy this this this movie has its own. The is this like playing constantly at some Mormon museum or something. Yeah. In the Joseph Smith building in Salt Lake City. Yeah. It used to no no. It used to hang on. It used to, but then the movie that I that I came on the podcast last time for the Joseph Smith Austin. Really? They've been. They've got the one that replaced it. But this was this was legacy in the legacy theater. And you couldn't buy tickets.

You just had to reserve tickets ahead of time. And it was really hard to get in because every showing the theater was packed. I've never been more upset. Like, like, this is like, I can't. I didn't have time to prepare for a metaphor for this. So 25 minutes of silence while I figure out this is like learning that thrive is the third most profitable company on the planet. That's what I'm going for right now. All right. Well, with price here, I feel like the final question should be pretty obvious.

Clearly, they had to leave out a lot of important moments to fit this into the tight 53 minutes. That's why they left him out. Trying to keep the movie to a reasonable length, see also. Of all the nuggets of Mormon history that they didn't include in this movie, which one disappoints you the most? That's, that's a really tough one. This is gonna be like a fucking, this is like asking Heath any question at all in an AMA, you're gonna list every ice cream you've ever eaten

or whatever. Heath, what is the best way to cook a steak? Yeah. What kind of steak? What kind of fucking steak are we talking about? Okay, so there's a lot to choose from, but I got to say the magic and the symbolism. So like more met history is pregnant with symbols and all of the magic world view that's just hiding in plain sight. And I wish

that they did more to pay homage to that history and legacy, keeping the legacy alive than just that shitty little sunstone carving and the little bit of numerology that they had in the in the movie. So I, I'll just ask with a reflective question. Can I collaborate with you guys on your crazy billionaire money remake of this movie? As long as my part, my favorite part that didn't get into it gets into it. Yes, absolutely. All right.

I was going to go with the reason Joe was in prison in the first fucking place, followed closely by that time they murdered a bunch of people with that other time they murdered a bunch of people running a close third HBO. HBO. HBO. It just ended. Give us a call. If you like murders and disappointing protagonists, you will love Mormonism. Well, now I feel like my part of Mormon history is just a little thing, but I was going to go with the time I walked through Temple Square and literally none of the missionary spoke to it. Didn't you have on a scathing atheist t-shirt? No, no, no, no, no, I had a read to your bunny, Max and Ruby T-shirt on and these missionaries from Guatemala were

like, look, I saw three Holocausts. I know one when I see one on the other side of the square. Oh my God. All right. So price, we're almost done with you, but that doesn't mean the listeners are. So if they want to hear more from you, wow, remind them where they should go. Yeah, Nick and Mormonism, that's the serialized Mormon history.

And also I do glass box podcasts. That's, you know, current events that are big in my circles, but have no impact on the rest of the world. All right, well, that's going to do a far review of legacy. I'm not going to say the fucking subtitle again. That isn't going to do it for the episode yet, though, because we still need to lure you back in for more. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

The other side of heaven, more movie, more than techular. Nope, you're not even close. You didn't even say the thing that you were trying to say, which was still been wrong. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up episode 198 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Bryce Blank and Eagle for hanging out with us today. Again, check the show notes for a link to his show to see how deep the Mormon rabbit hole goes. And of course, an even huge thanks to all

the Patreon. Don't hesitate to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God off on there by early early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows. This is getting any of the ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this is Gating A The Aesthetic Nation 8 and the Skepticraft available on iTunes, sit you're in wherever our spot cast live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on moviesgmail.com. Leave a service to this podcast provided by the law, if this is a PM, or a tourist, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting of Evil Drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right? Neil Ibozdi, I'm Noelusius, I'm a work harder and on the truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Later that year, Eliza would provide a deposition that Joseph Smith did, in fact, rape. The Mormons killed a lot of fucking people. Law. Eliza's ox went on to start the first union for bovine's ox fam. Put. My hands. I couldn't have come up with that. That's fucking brilliant.

There you go. Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. He told me back. What can I say? Okay. All right. John D. That's a John D reference.

John D reference. All right. I just, I just wanted to do that a lot. I'm a knock-in. Totally. I would be his Edward Kelly for that honor. 15 times. You couldn't spell my name right a single time. No, he didn't.

I'm gonna fix it. Oh my god. Yeah. You're right. Be named Smith. He, oh, like you'd have gotten that one right. No, let's see, how many times did the XMZ1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8 times?

That's amazing. All right. Spilled it the wrong way, the same time. At least the error is consistent. I'm impressed. Yeah, right, right. That's actually that's actually way up from normal. All right. Interstitial one. Yep. I'm Bryce Blankanagal. I rape young women and I approve of this message. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm

LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. 19 all rights reserved.