God Awful Movies - 199: The Other Side of Heaven

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

This week, Mormon Movie Month continues with an early Anne Hathaway role that I bet Anne wishes she could take back. It's the story of a Mormon missionary who doesn't get that colonialism was a bad thing, and a bunch of movie makers who didn't realize that either, even though the movie was made in this century. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

But that evil Catholic priest told them that they can't learn about Mormonism anymore. Right. And he has to say grace, which is his clever way of teaching them the Mormonism plan, but I wanted so badly for him to just be like, oh, do you mind if I say grace? Okay, great. Dear father, please forgive these jerk faces. We're going to burn and help forever. Who might have gotten their own planet? Or at least the soul in a few decades.

But they will. Ah, men, please pass the glove. God awful. Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII is a good friend, Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who really carries a burden? Who's that? The white man. I thought especially the Mormon white man.

Oh, man, absolutely. Yeah. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast, of course, is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I was just thinking about the new listener who turned on this. Their first episode. It's a nice, it's, it's nice that he always goes context free at the open, isn't it? They, they, you gotta get them.

There's, but you know what? We'll get someone bored and then we'll be like halfway through. Yeah, there's a lot of them. They were making fun of us. They have been talking about. I don't feel like that needs context to be accurate. That's just read some rudged Kipling. That's your thing.

You trick racist into our podcast. You want a thing? That's your thing. All right. So tell us he's quick before it's too late, before they turn off, what will we be breaking down today? That's higher. We watched the other side of heaven. It's about the part of Mormon

heaven on the other side that's reserved for affirmative action. It's separate. And it's actually equal starting in 1978. But you know, still not really equal, but kind of then eventually. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the help, but you hated the subtlety of its message and the nuances of its portrayal, you will love this movie. It's Elder Tom's Cabin. How sad is it? I was starting to write this question and then I changed the question to simply how sad

is it that I could have asked this question? We've watched enough Mormon missionary adventure films for me to ask you where this one ranks. Super sad. Super duper sad. I met someone who didn't know I reviewed Christian films for the first time the other day and they were like, what kind of movies? And I listed like 20 and watched as their face sagged with horror and disappointment as words kept coming out of my face over and oh, have you ever crushed someone under the weight of your conversation? That's not sad.

All right, is there anything you guys feel like nominating this one for being the best to be the worst at? Best worst trumpet play. I thought that was, I thought that might bother you. Ridiculous. The main character is supposed to be a trumpet player and they show him play several times at length and each time it gets crazier. It's worse every time. It's worse. It's somehow worse every time, and the bar is set high from the first, first one.

First of all, there's three buttons on a trumpet. Three valves. You either press it down or you don't. That's it. And if you press a valve, your note usually changes. They are not aware of this. He's motioned down at like three different heights and like messing around. He starts moving the trumpet like a steering wheel. He's stuck inside

the trumpet like a mime at one point. It's fucking nonsense. I was furious. I literally had a water bottle at one point. Yeah. It is. It actually is and it would not work that. No, right. Yeah. No, here's this thing I spit in. We'll filter our water through it. All right. So I was going to go with best worst spotless cutting room floor. There are so many goddamn scenes like the whole opening of this movie like and throughout you're just like, oh, well, you could have, it could have been 90 minutes then really

could have cut that act. Yeah. Yeah. Right. What was that act. Yeah, yeah, right What was that for oh movie because you wanted to be a movie sure because apparently all Mormon missionary movies have to be two goddamn hours long The law okay, I think this goes to my best worst best worst Mission yes, I know this is sort of a core conceit. Like, I can't get over the fact that this movie is just about the worst fucking luck one guy had. People go to Boise, Idaho.

People go to New York, I've seen the ones that go to New York City. That's a mission? Yeah. Yeah. And this movie is basically about a guy who got shot out of a cannon in the direction of Tonga None to make an island of Christians Different brand of Christianity that his own church didn't believe had souls yet. Yes It's fucking insane. All right. Well, our

people clearly have a burden as he said, so we're going to keep the break, breathe, here, and when we come back, we'll dive into all the civilizing of the savages that is the other side of heaven. That's right, racists. Stay tuned. Maybe we're on your side. You don't know for sure yet. Heats your guy. Hey, like, what are you doing? Oh, hey Noah, just buy into main names. Oh, why is that?

Well, you know, 200th episode is coming up and I wanna be ready for. Ready for whatever gift you get me in heat. I mean, I bought, I can't believe no about us Jaguars.com. I'm the cat, not the car obviously. Uh, and I don't even need to Nintendo switches.com. And I'm designing it all on wicks on wicks. Yeah, it's the easiest way to bring your amazing ideas to life with hundreds of stunning templates,

built in SEO tools, and easy to use design features making. I'm not sure how you cloned magic and got me a second match, but you did it and I'm grateful.com was a breeze. Eli, that must be super expensive. Not at all. Actually with wix, you can start and publish for free. And if you want to get started now, you just go to wix.com.

That's wix.com slash podcast get 10% off wix.com slash podcast sounds great but I mean but don't get your hoves up on the gif stuff okay. I mean I'm okay with whatever he's the one with this hopes up he bought dot com. Is that even legal? It's in international waters. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's harder to prosecute Okay, is everybody ready for their mission assignments? Yay! All right, Elder Hampson. Yes, you, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, To Japan, I hope you like sushi Yeah, yep, yep, and elder and right Yes for your mission you'll be headed to The Christian hell bring some ice

Yeah, you have to bring ice what Sorry, no, did you just say I'm going to the Christian hell? Yes. I'm a mission. Bring shorts. Yeah, sure. Right. Okay, sorry, just real quick. I just want to make sure I'm not confused.

You mean like the lake of fire where sinners go to burn forever for not accepting our Lord and Savior. That's where I'm going. The one and only. Yes. Now elder goldstone. I didn't know just for you. Sorry. I just, I have a lot of names to get to. No, here, totally. No, I get it. I get it. Lots of names. It just seems like people in hell where you're saying I'm going, they might not be super open to becoming Mormon because, you know, they're already in hell.

I believe in you, Elder. Yeah. Well, you're going to Japan. So do you want to swap? I'll go to Japan and you go to hell if that's, I mean, it'll work. I don't think we could do that. I don't know. No, you can work. I don't think we could do that. I don't know. You can't.

Nope. Gee, Shucks, this just occurred to me though. Am I going to be safe in hell? Like with the lake of fire? Am I going to be safe from demons and stuff? It seems like a lot. Dangerous. Sure.

Yeah, I need you to be so much more certain than you are right now. Hey, hey, Elder, bring a, don't say bring a fan. I was gonna say that. You were gonna say fan. Yeah, I was. I fucking hate this religion. This is the worst. Yeah. I quit the religion. And we're back for the breakdown. And we going to start off with a bunch of long pointless biographical shit because if he didn't tell us he was born, how would we know he came from a womb? Yeah, this is all vital to the story because spoiler alert, there is no story. there is no story. Right. Yes.

This is the vacation slides of movie. He says, I was born in Idaho Falls during the Great Depression. And I'm like, everybody born in Idaho Falls is born during a Great Depression. Okay. Yeah. And that's not really a big transition, is it? Feels like shit was pretty much the same there when the oppression hit. They were just like, oh, cool. Yeah. He brags about how his dad once got to meet Harry Truman. I don't know if that's brag worthy, but okay. Drop the bomb on

here, Ashima. Maybe I heard of him. Extra super duper one World War II for us. Yeah, he actually mentions they did a moment of silence for Hiroshima. Yeah. So, you know, that's all squared up. We did silence. Watching him try to explain empathy without using the word so that Mormons wouldn't turn off this VHS cassette is so he's like, we all sat there and I thought to myself, hmm, being turned to dust sounds, how do I say this? Less fun? Yeah. And then three days later, that silence we did the other day, we're going to count

that for not just talking to you. We just, we just, we just, we just bundle that all up. We really did take two minutes teachers just like I'm not doing a silence Every time we genocide innocent civilians feel like we're gonna be doing this a lot this Whether it's just an exact normal. Okay, what are we doing in school in August? Oh my so yeah So we get this long thing about about how Wait a minute August 9 August. Yeah, just real. I just wait a minute. Oh, August, August, six, then August nine. Lakers.

It was not in school. I don't know. Didn't start school in the fucking beginning. Oh, the the lying has already begun in this movie. Wow. Amazing. Okay. So yeah. And that's before we get the based on a true story thing, right? Well, they started now. That's why we got it now. All right,

so we open on one of them happening balls at BYU where all the kids were a swinging. Oh, damn, this is no one loosened his song, everybody. All right. So, yeah, our opening thought here is supposed to be boy to those mo moremans know how to party, right? Which we should point out literally the scene we see would not be allowed at Brigham Young University today. Right. Let alone in 1953. You could not display your legs and jump onto someone at a dance at BYU today right now. Yeah. Also, let's keep in mind that two thirds of everything we're looking at here was paid for by swindling old people out of their farm. Yeah, exactly. That the other day. All right. So now we're focused on two characters at this dance party.

One of them is the trumpet player who's on stage. He's so bad. The other is Anne fucking halfway. And what the fuck is she doing here? This is the origins of Anne. This is like she was in this movie before she was in her home movies. So early in Anne's halfway and square this is. Yeah. So, okay. So the Anne halfway as dancing with some dude, the trumpet player as super jealous.

So eventually he just leaps off the stage, cuts into the dance and starts dancing with Anne Hathaway instead. And I didn't realize a tremendous amount of old timey dancing was almost hurt you. Is that, oh yeah. That's wing dancing. There's a lot of like a kick close to your face. And I throw you near this pit of spikes. There was lava at one point. There was a lot of that. I also

didn't know that Sonic the hedgehog dance moves were a thing. You were just spinning around doing huge amounts of spinny flips and steam was rising up. Oh, yeah, absolutely, man. And they have a whole choreographed cuckold dance, right? Where the other guy who was dancing with her tries to keep getting back in and it's a whole bit that they're doing. Is that real? Because like if you get possession of a female during a dance battle, you win her. Is that I'm at ease true?

It's the right. Well, this is Mormonism in the 50s. You bet your ass. It's true. You grab by the hair. Yeah, legally, but yeah. I imagine. All right, at least it's in the honor code or something.

Yeah. So yeah, so he grabs in half the way by the hair and he drags her back to his cave to reminder whose boss, right? And she's just like, well, I do have a vagina. So you're in charge. Yeah. She's like, so what am I supposed to do? Just wait for you because I'm your property.

And the movie pauses and he's like, yes. Right. Yeah. It seems like a weird question, but yes, to which she responds, you encourageable scally Wack. Yeah. I did sign a contract that says that when I got into this college. I know that's true.

Yeah. All right. So he's like, come on. I want to show you a creepy spot in the woods. So he takes her to this swing because that's romantic, right? Swinging. It's romantic and whole. So thank you. This is a weird romance trope. Like, why is this fine? But I set up don't wake daddy for a few girls on a few dates and I'm a weird guy. I'm in a reputation.

I feel like those are unrelegged. A swing can be romantic and your thing is also crazy. Yeah. I feel like the swing. I think I need to wait daddy. Well, I do. I don't, I've never tried to do it. But so, so here's the thing though, if he was swung his girlfriend on a date, though, he'd be doing the underdog thing like where you run underneath it and shit and be like, no, we're gonna go all the way around.

All right, now jump. Right. Oh, I jumped so much fucking farther than you. I fit. Yeah, I went, look at she where my line is. You see where my footprints are. How else would we know? There is a moment where they start swinging together.

And I was like, heat would way over sway and be like, come on. You're not even close to catching up all this thing out of the ground. And God damn it. By the way, I mean, yes, that's all true. But I feel like for kids anyway, this is a dangerous swing that goes out over a river. That seems like a bad engineering for a playground swing. You jump off of that and then you go in, then you're in the water when you end it's safer. The whole scene, I was just like, bridge to tower bithya, bridge to tower bithya.

Come on. Swing death. All right. So they kiss Mormon moms everywhere faint, but he's about to go on his mission trip, right? So he gives it a whole wherever I am, we'll be under the same moon. And I'm like, well, no, you're in Tonga really. So not at the same time or anything. So, not at the same time or anything, but all the scenes that we see of you guys looking at the moon are literally different. Yeah, very different times. Okay. Day time where she is. You think that's a star? With light that will go out. Go out.

And okay, so we cut to three months ahead of that when he's getting his mission assignment. And this is where he learns that he's going to Tonga. Yeah, near Fiji, which is pretty sweet. I mean, it's gonna be awkward when he breaks that to his friends, don't you think? So John, where are they sending you? Yeah, John, tell us. Uh, Tonga. Tonga.

Wow. Sounds like the heart of the African jungle or something like that. No. Uh, it's near Fiji. Oh, the island. Islands, but yeah, yeah, no, that's it. Over there. Right. Like, one of the most beautiful places ever. Right? That's great. Yeah. People say it's

nice. Yeah, like really nice. Where are you going, Nick? Santiago. Oh, that seems fun. You love Mexican food. Nope. That's not where, but not really. I don't really like Mexican food. You actually know that we've talked about this spicy. Yeah. Well, unless I don't mean don't even know what kind of food they have in Taga. So boy, am I jealous of you guys. Fuck your face. Right. Uh, will I'm going to Cleveland, man. Oh, I hear they say that in Cleveland. They fuck your face. That's what I hear. Yeah. No fuck my face. That's fair. I heard fuck his face. Yep. That's fair. That is fair. Tonga. Fuck you.

Ransi, you're feeding Cleveland. Well, and I love to like the whole family standing around going like, oh, you'll love it in Tonga. They don't have education yet. So nobody will know you'll follow shit. All I wanted at this point is for him to show up in Tonga. He gets shot by 50 hours right in the chest. That's good.

That's good. All right. So the whole family gathers at the train station to see him off. I want to point out and half the way is not there does not show up because they paid for two and half the way. See, dammit. Yeah. The local newspaper is there though.

Yep. Yep. What the fuck does a local newspaper cover in Idaho falls Idaho during the depression? The leaving for their mission track. Yeah, right, right. Now, where were we? We're way post-depression now. We're in the 50s now. Dirt continued on. No, we were done. It was just there's no continue. All right. So he's about to leave for Tonga. They want his dad to give him a speech, right? So his dad stands up before the gathered crowd

at the train station and said, God gave the world his son. I'm gonna do that now. I'm like, God, wait, this is not, I didn't think. I didn't know there was gonna be a speech. Let me try again. I don't care for the savages in Tonga Kind of wish they weren't getting my son. Oh, you're you're gonna keep going with that

No, that's final answer Yep, okay, so you remember Abraham and Isaac It feels like that, but it's not a bluff like Got feeling I think you know stab him Like, or send him to get stabbed. I just feel like that's what God's telling me. Well, and speaking of getting stabbed, as he leaves his mom basically hands him a knife and says, you know, stab yourself in the heart with this.

If you think you're gonna come home early because you will not be fucking welcome here. She says, don't come home, son. And he's like, what? She's like early. Sorry. I want to say that for a long time. Let me try again. Don't come home alive. In the spirit of the Lord. I don't know. These pauses are weirding me out. Fucking 19 of us, man. Just figuring out who you've got to spare. That'd be great.

All right, so then we get him traveling and we get a voiceover of his first letter to Jean. That's Anne Hathaway. And the letter starts off with like, gee, I couldn't help but notice that you weren't at the train station when I left, probably because you would have been such an emotional wreck to see me go, huh?

Yeah, it's great, but it's like how you never turn my emails or text messages because so you don't have the words. We're going to different colleges, but we'll stay together. That always works. That always works. That's going to be great to the extreme. Okay. So he's telling her the story of how he's he's heading to Tonga.

Now originally it was with seven Mormon missionaries, but those lucky bastards got it to go on to Australia or some other non-shitty place. He wound up in Samoa where the Mormons that were supposed to meet him forgot him for several days. Right. And my version of an Australian accent threw his bag off the boat and made him literally walk the plank. Yeah. Right. Well, okay. So eventually gets from Samoa to Fiji and the Fiji and authorities

are like, not man, we don't have them on the list. We're going to arrest his ass if you put him here and the guy's like, yeah, okay. I don't don't really see how that's my problem. I'm going to literally push him off this boat. Yep. So yeah, so he gets tossed into a jail cell in Fiji with livestock. And I wrote my notes. If he becomes that rooster's bitch, this will be my favorite movie. I thought you just got to ask him if it's because you fucked their dad and they give right in. I'm telling you, it's my new go to for airport security. All right. So he plays trumpet for the livestock. We can tell you. No, he doesn't. He, uh, he touches the buttons.

He does. If someone came and beat the crap out of him, it would have been such a great movie. I would have won me a, a chicken calls him over. Hey, just, you know, work on your ambusher, man. Like, you got to do some fucking long tones, just basic scales. You're really not there yet with like the improv solos. None of that.

Nope. You're not doing buttons yet. Okay. No buttons. But eventually the Mormons do show up again, which is amazing that they kept all of this in the movie. Right? Because he's like, yeah, the church sent me out to Tonga kind of generally.

I had a way. Why put this in your, why point out how criminally negligent you people are? Yeah. Well, so that's the thing is when people recommended this movie, I was like, you know, I sent out a little thing where I'm like, ah, it's a good for Mormon movie month. And everyone I know was like, no, no, no, when you go on a mission, this is your red badge of courage. Like, mom and dad, sit you down and show you this movie, which is hard. This would be like, all right.

Keto, we're about to go on the plane. Let's watch a live. This movie takes on a whole new context when you realize it's per month. Right. No shit. So eventually though, the missionaries in Fiji get him a job on a whole new context when you realize it's per yes, right. No shit. So eventually though, the missionaries in Fiji get him a job on a rig to Tonga. That's how he gets there. Right? Yep. So okay, 48 days after arriving in Samoa, he finally gets to Tonga,

where the movie should have started. Yep. Um, but there was nobody there to meet him in Taga, either. Eventually, a Mormon showed up, I guess. He's like, nobody was there to meet me, but I was a white guy. So someone eventually found me. This movie takes a while to get going. Give it a second.

Give it a second. Give it a second. Give it a two hour. Give it a two hour. Give it a two hour. Give it a two hour. The entire run. Yeah, exactly. All right, so yes, but the Mormon president guys shows up. He's like, I'm going to send you to a place where nobody speaks any English and you don't speak their language at all.

Good luck. Right. And the character's like, oh, is there going to be anything to help me or a way that I can do? He's like, I got you a magical Polynesian. Yeah, right. Yes, exactly. And this is where we meet Fekki.

And Fekki, I loved right away, because when we first meet him, he's at the top of the tower that they're constructing and he just jumps off and he park horses way down a tree. And I'm like, Fekki's too good for this movie. Yep. And then he gets a big old sniff of him. He smells to do enthusiastically, the main character, John.

And all I could think about was like, when the book that this movie's based on came out, do you think Fekki, who lived in the United States at that point called John, was like, Hey man, why'd you add a weird lie about me smelling you when we met? And he was like, ah, you know, it's your Polynesian, is that weird? Did I make it weird? You would have, right? I always got the feeling that you were like Intocents I cut out the part where you jumped on that tree and just fell on your face and we're just like

For a while that was a while you knocked the window to yourself. You wept a lot. You did that. You vomit noise, the thing and you vomited a lot. It was, we cut that whole thing. And this is also where Fekki gives him his nickname that'll stick through this entire movie. Fekki calls him Koli Poki. That by the way means the other side of heaven, the movie I'll never tell you that. Oh, that answered two of my questions about this movie. One, why is it called the other side of heaven and two? Why do they call him Coli Poke? Yep. Interesting. As far as I know, as far as I can tell anyway. And again, that's probably that's coming from the same asshole who wrote the book. And we're going to see how trustworthy he was. He doesn't even know what days he went to school and I know how false. So. So they nicknamed him the

nice white part. Yeah, apparently. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think I feel like it was like the other side from the Catholic side, you know, I don't know. All right. But anyway, so from there, I had to spend eight days on a boat getting to the particular Tongan island he was going to I've been practicing the pronunciation I believe it is new out of Pudipu. All right, all right, sure. He says the hardest part of my trip was a very rough boat ride to new out of Pudipu. And I'm like, then why the fuck am I watching a movie about this trip? The hardest part was seasickness.

I wrote there's an hour and 40 minutes left in this movie. I really hope that's not true. All right, so but eventually he gets to this adilic island, paradise and sets about fucking it all up. Yeah, and there's a welcoming party like ready on the show. How did they time the welcoming party? Like a message in a bottle? Hey guys, be there around 2 PM tomorrow.

Yeah, I don't know. Call it 130 to be safe. I want you to be on the beach. Yeah, and then so he shows up on this island to the, to the welcoming party and apparently has already forgotten that they don't speak English. Yeah, he just, he goes right up to the guy he thinks is the leader of the island. He's like, hello, I'm here to make you better. And the guy's just like, fuck your face in Duncan. He has to run away.

It's the best. Yeah. So they all laugh at him for being a useless Caucasian. He doesn't seem particularly impressed with them either to be honest. They both simultaneously realize what a mistake this is, the scene, right? Oh, you just brought you. I'm here to rescue you. We brought you you. We're not really yourself. I a crate of of water filtration technology would

have been like way better than me. Huh? I'm I'm I'm the best we breed. It's right in the punch. Just come on. Right. You're kippling. All right. So then we cut to him being terrified by their local customs. Right. And the movie wants this to be a comedy beat, but like, it's not. Like, you could shoot a fucking bar mitzvah like this, and there would be nobody putting their mouth on a dick

at any point in a tongue and ceremony, so, you know. Wait, if they're not supposed to do that at the bar mitzvah, Eli, you've been lied to. Big, that's the brisk, man. Check your privilege. You got blown at your bar mitzvah. That was the theme. That'll do it. Well, so okay. So here's how you make this a comedy beat is you make this the first time the tribes ever done anything like this, right? You just they're fucking with the white guy.

They're like, no, no, we all we all piss on you as a shot up as a sign of respect in our traditional cultural traditions. Well, they kind of do that. They're like, here you go, drink this. It is not pee. And everybody fucking laughing. And yeah, exactly. He's like, okay, well, now I feel like it is pee.

You said specifically, it's not okay. Well, then he goes like, I can't feel my tongue. And I'm like, oh my God, they gave him a tongue and rape drug. This is amazing. I love this. But then the chief guy stands up and he's like, you know, this Mormon has come a long way to tell us something. I suppose he should tell us something, huh? And he's like, oh, words. Shit. I need to pee you guys because I drink pee you guys like shadow puppets little bonifu for walking don't interrupt don't forest I just love he spent like three months just getting to this island and they're like, all right, finally you have the entire tribe, you can say what you want and he gets up and he's like,

I don't know, man. Like what have you been doing this whole fucking time? That like parts. Ah. Yeah, but he actually tells him that he has to pee because it's like Eli the missionary. Ha, ha, ha. They'll gather around and open their mouths.

He starts peeing. What the fuck is wrong with you? Is it joke, man? Jesus Christ. I don't know how people work. So you're sorry. I'm confused. He's smiling.

The one guy, okay, I don't, this guy fucking gets it. He knows that a party. All right, so the next day, well, and then we get him taken Okay, I don't this guy fucking to get a no set of party all right So the next day, well, and then we get him taking a bath and all the children come running to see the white man penis I guess they just the prank is they all just run and look at him in the bath and they're like And in immediately like it fades out and it starts a letter and I wanted it so badly to be like, dear gene, I got raped. A lot like a lot. Yeah, but no, he's writing this letter to gene.

And he's like, yeah, they're all bunch of inbreds and they don't want to be Mormon. And while he's writing that or while we're hearing that voice over, we're getting a montage of him striking out with the tongue guns. Yeah. He's like talking about how they like that there are insects everywhere who carry elephant tightess. Yeah. And then and then he's like, but enough about me, how are finals? That would be tough. Got a thoroughly fill in those bubbles on the sand drums. So please don't marry anyone but me. Yeah. Coli, okay.

And also throughout all of this, we're supposed to be having a comedic moment with the skaters, right? The mosquitoes are bothering them real bad. But what it actually works out to is just a guy walking around slapping himself in the face and I know that's how making it sound funny. It's not. It isn't. It doesn't work. Start hitting yourself the comedy beat. Yeah. At some point, they were like, Hey, we really need to punch up this script. And somebody was like mosquitoes nailed it. And they were like, yep, you're done. That's good. Nine minutes right there. All right. So next thing,

in fact, a fecky comes to tell him that he has to give a speech to the entire village, but he still doesn't speak the language. He's going to try anyway again. Yep. I don't know. So he tries out his tongue and they have this again, like, desperate comedy beat where he's accidentally using the word outhouse. They actually say, oh, you didn't learn any tongue in for this. That's weird. Okay, I guess we'll pray for you to learn tongue and then the next day has to give the speech. And I really wanted to see like an hour long speech of him just being like, well, they prayed, noises is a tongue. I love the moment.

I love the moment. She just starts talking and tongue is like a bap. Bap is something. Bap is something. Bap, Bap, Bap, Bap. Am I doing it? It's like me and Eli and Tokyo. Yeah.

We shouldn't have yelled bug a bug at that. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was on us. I told you that wasn't Japanese. Didn't understand their apology either. So I feel like it was sort of lost on him. Well, you made the same noise for the apology.

I feel like. All right. So he's given his speech and broken tongue in and they're all laughing at him because he says that he wants them to serve in God's outhouse. And then they call him elder outhouse in English because those are the two English words they know I guess. So he goes off to Salk, right? He goes to his Salking Island where he's gonna learn Tongan by reading an English Bible and a tongue and Bible side by side In the sun with no shade for days Okay, can you not learn languages in the shade of water?

Also, I don't think that's how learning languages works. And now if you want to do it effectively, no. He better hope that Tongan has the exact same sentence structure. He is English. And he better hope that like tomorrow all he has to do is talk about inventing a universe in Tongan. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. And forth here. Back and forth here. And he better hope everything else he has to say is also in the Bible, just like, smash your baby against some rock. This is the other thing I learned to say. Does anybody need me to call something good? No, okay. All right, so and then the key though here is that we're we have to learn that the tongue ends are super impressed with the white man's dedication to learning their language, which

any sane person would have done before going to their country. Yeah, I mean, like this is supposed to be a like, you can tell that the guy who wrote this book and that this movie is based on was like, I just sat there working, didn't eat, didn't sleep, just focusing. But like the actors in the movie are just like, hey, I think, um, holy pokies have an a psychotic break. I don't want to check on him. Maybe put it on, Brella up there. I mean, I figured by the end of the montage, you'd be sunburned to the point of an honorary Chernobyl extra punch him a little something. Should we tell him that's the shit pile island? Cause he's just staying there.

Seems that's what that's why they're sniffing him all the time. Yeah, he's very focused. All right. Also, did he not seem distracted by the voice over that was happening? Like the actor he's like like they were playing Anne Hathaway for him because it seemed like he was like just shut up Anne Hathaway. I'm trying to like I don't get people in tongue in that stuff. All right, so then eventually though he falls asleep, we get fecky waking him up in the sand and now he speaks perfect tongue in. So they go out to missionaries some more.

What? Including the word hey, which we all know is in the Bible, the expression hey. Yeah, oh, he's doing, he's doing rhyming slang in tongue and Moses and Moses said, hey Aaron, come on man. Right. said, Hey, Aaron, come on, man. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gene, feels like I should have learned a language before I left, but I did a montage.

Yeah. No worries. No worries. And it's going so much better now that I'm not just basically saying potato, potato, potato at them. It's amazing how much difference that makes. So yeah, yeah. And then we get some chasing chickens and pigs humor

while he gets his new house. Oh, he says that they had to chase out the previous occupants and it's pigs. And I was so team pig. Oh, yeah. Hashtag team pig. Five ever. By the way, this entire scene is straight from a stage of Angry Birds. It's almost in. It's like a stick house with. Yeah, no, it is. Holes, holes. We're trying to get the pigs out. Yeah. Birds and pigs. That's it. All right. So then late some night, I guess, he awakens to the sounds of mournful wailing. Yeah. He turns to Becky and he's like, did a, did a death star blow up a planet? I'm feeling like a death star blew up a planet.

But Becky's like, no, no, no, that's the cry of death. We have cries for all different stuff. I can tell from a distance why people are crying. So yeah, Koli Poki walks through to the funeral that they're doing and he's like, well, you guys are fucking this all up. This isn't how you get him to collab. Yeah, we come on. So he kneels before the body and he's just about to do his proper white person prayer,

but some savage pushes him away and does savage stuff instead. He gets side tackled by this large full bodied woman. And it is the best moment in the moment. This actor hurt him very badly. Like, you can see he has a different beard, like everyone's wearing different clothes in the next scene because he recovered in the hospital for a year and a half. Yeah, it's so violent. She's so much more powerful than him. The best. Yeah. So she throws him off of the body, wails over the body for a second, falls over and asks if the pudding is ready because humor.

I like their, I like their funeral tradition. It's just, it's like a weird, specific crying and then a side tackle and then pudding. Like that's fun. Yeah. It seems to be more fun than most funerals. So yeah, but then the next day, they have weird specific crying and then a side tackle and then putting like that's fun. It seems to me more fun than most funerals. So yeah, but then the next day they have to have a scene where like Fecki explains what the fuck was going on in that last scene. And he explains that the lady that side tackled him was a professional mourner that Tongan's higher to come in and cry for their relatives.

I want that job so goddamn bad. I want to see that interview, right? When she's just like, oh, and it's like, okay, well, we have your resume. Yeah, if that didn't sound like the cry of death, that sounded like the cry of a, of a fender bender. It was a stub your toe. We all know that was a stub your toe, maybe branch out a little bit. Make a choice and stick with it. Yeah. And also there's a great conversation here where like,

you know, where Koli Poki turns to faculty and he's like, Hey, man, why do you believe anything I say? And his response is, I mean, you wouldn't travel all this way for a lie, right? And he's and in his defense, he's just like, sure, wouldn't. I'm a state maybe, though. Do you have some personal experience with human kindness that you associate with my religion? I sure do. We can talk about. Oh, come on, let's talk.

Talk about you. Do you see me? Am I disappearing doodly, do? Yeah, so then, Fekki, as he's like, well, you know, when I was a kid, my dad was an abusive drunk, and then some missionaries came along and around that same time,

he quit drinking, therefore one caused the other, and Mormonism cured my dad's alcoholism. Yeah, so whenever I thought about my dad, I'm just like, ha da for Israel and he's like, sorry, what? Ha da, he said, hurrah? Ha da. Ha da.

And also, okay, you're saying your dad doesn't drink anymore and that's why your pro Israel right now, ha da. Cause I mean, yeah, it's like five years since they took over Palestine, but I'm confident this is a great idea. They'll be in the office. This is going to go great. No, you're going to go great. This is great.

This is great. Yeah. All right. So now we got to six months later. And by the way, at this point, even the subtitles are getting bored because it doesn't say six months on the island at just a six months on the island. And Dave's like, if you want a fucking article, you can put it on.

Got any of my regains? Six months. That's so mean. I think it's supposed to be like native speak like, oh, six months on island. It's like, no. No, thank God. This whole movie reeks with like the noble savage.

Yeah. And the subtitles which do this multiple times are among the worst, but not all the way noble. That's why we're here. Yeah, well, exactly. Exactly. Well, that and because our magic can save their children. So this is the part that's about to happen. Yeah. This dude comes running at him with a limp child. Eli is book it is flight to tanga. He's like, Hey, man, this kid fell in Bonk his head. Can you bring him back to your life with your white people magic? Come on.

You promised to take up this burden. This is exactly what you were talking about. But he's like, uh, no, I cannot because he's literally, he's dead. Right. And he's like, well, but can't you put some bellows in his mouth and you push down on him? And maybe he's mostly dead. There's a thing that you white people do. I've seen it. That's a fact. I'm tackled by the giant lady.

Yeah. So yeah, he's like, well, I'll give a try to bring in your child back to life. All right, here we go. Mormon, Mormon. Tell me, does a very slow back massage have any medical benefit? Oh, it does. All right. Well, good.

I am. Yeah. I'm going to do. Okay. So I had to look this up because it was so goddamn weird. And I remembered it from the Flintstones, but he's like pushing on the kids back going out goes the bad air, incomes the good. Apparently that's how they used to tell you to do artificial respiration.

And they would tell you to use that phrase, out goes the bad air, incomes the good as a way of timing the breath. And there's a silent clip of it on YouTube, which is amazing, because it's two guys, both of whom are dressed in wrestling once. Yes. I saw it too. Eli rubbing each other. It is. And looking that up. Yeah. Right.

All right. So yeah. So he does artificial respiration for what the fuck it movie would have us believe is 31 hours or something. I don't think it works like that. At a certain point, you're just pushing a child corpse around. Believe me at a certain point, you are just pushing a child corpse around. So, but yeah, we get this so long that the grieving dad actually has time to sing a whole song

and then look at the camera and go like, that's the only one I practiced. Do you want another? Are we with double snott rivulets? Yes, the whole time. Like your friends toddler who you don't want to touch. This thing along. Yeah. But the kid wakes up.

Yep. So the song or the 48 hours of CPR did it. One or the other. Yep. And the kid speaks English now. Yeah, that's a hell of a blow on the English, just immediately. Like I guarantee you, first draft of this script, he turned white. Awesome.

Yeah, so the, the movie pulls a switch here, right? From this point on, you know, the people are supposed to be speaking in Tongan, but we're hearing it in English and everything. But the movie doesn't really let you in on that twist and all this kid wakes up. So okay, so he writes to Gene again, and he's like, Hey, now that I'm known as a healer, I'm way more popular. And again, I'm like, why the fuck do you admit that in your movie, right? So the entire history of missionaries in the Pacific Islands or in Africa, very virtually

anywhere that Christian missionaries went outside of the European world is, yes, we were right about the CPR and penicillin. So we must be right about the God too, right? And again, like, we know that, but why admit that in your movie? Yeah. Anyway, but he writes her a letter and he's like, dear, Jean, I'm a necromancer. Yeah, power finals. I might be the Messiah. I really might be. I don't, don't marry anyone but me. Don't, I say this in all my letters, but don't marry anyone but me.

It's super flirty how you never write me back. I'm, it's awesome, but we should point out that a pedophile keeps writing by on a bike. But nine tenths of the way through the movie will learn why and then it won't matter. But the general guy, oh shit, that's right. Keeps riding by with young girls on a bike. We're again, we're not going to address this until we're nine tenths into the movie and then never ever address it again. But you know, we don't, we don't want you wondering where, this until we're nine tenths into the movie and then never ever address it again, but you

know, we don't, we don't want you wondering where, where the pedophile bike was in the movie when we set it up later. So yeah, I even noticed this at all. So yeah, I know the part that you get that the reveal you're talking about, but I did not notice him before that. I just thought it was like a father daughter and they had to tie up that loose end with the fuck. No not loose Just leave it. Not a father daughter. Fuck All right, so now we get the part where he wakes up and something's wrong with his feet. Oh This rats he slept with his feet uncovered and so the rats came in eight the souls of his feet So the rats came and ate the souls of his feet.

Yeah. Well, at least the guy he was sleeping with warned him about the rats. Rachel told him about that. He was like, hey, cover your feet at night because there are rats here and they'll eat your feet. It's a good warning to have. I googled this, this is real. But what I was not found is how rats eat the bottom of your fucking feet without you noticing.

Yeah, it feels like the kind of thing that wake you up if you weren't heath. I mean, I can see how heath's entire feet could be stumps and shitty wake up and go fucking rats. Oh, man, man, Upper East Side of Manhattan, just like Tonga, that's what happened. Totally get it. So now they have to sear the bottoms of his feet with a knife or the sun. Feels like those aren't equally going to do the thing that you want them to do just ever. I don't think a hot knife and the sun are like, there's no task that both of those accomplish equally in the unit.

So here's the thing though, what they basically said to him. And this is again, just a hilarious moment of insight into the guy who wrote this. Basically, the lady walks up and says, look, there are two ways we can deal with this. One is that I heat a knife up red hot and I just burn your feet and then you can recover from the burns. The other way is that you sit around for five days with your feet up in the air like an asshole getting sunburns on your feet to have the same effect, the same basic effect. And he chose the pansy ass sit around for five days version.

Yeah, because he's like a toddler who wants you to pull off a band-aid slow. Yeah, exactly. And you got to do that. And then the parent is like, no, you can't do the fast thing. And just like, I really want to do the fast thing. I'm going to trick your kid. No, no, no, no, we fast thing. And you're just like, I really want to do the fast thing. I'm going to trick your kid. No, no, no, we're going to have you lie down. Yeah, don't look.

I do not have a red hot knife right now. No, that's the sun. That's the sun. It's a red hot knife. The sun, knife, shape, sun, knife, this time of day. It's Tonga. It's a Tonga thing. You said the moon was the same.

The moon on the sun. And this is an eclipse. Don't worry about it. Just. All right. So yeah. So we get a big, long thing with them. Sun burn and his feet and him recovering.

Also, this is where we meet hot Polynesian girl one who doesn't want to play as stupid trumpet anyway. Um, okay. So this character's going to be problematic to say the least. He's like, so what's up with your daughter? And she's like, oh, it's not my daughter. Common question, don't worry about it. She's actually the child of a whore.

And you know, that runs in the family. So she sure could use some more minutes. And whores don't like trumpets. I don't understand why she's like that. Need to answer the question. Also, okay. And this is where the healer lady, who is the not mother of the horse daughter that takes care of her, says, Oh, by the way, the evil Catholic minister on the island told everybody

that the rats came to eat your feet because your God doesn't exist. And I thought, wow, that's actually true. That is true. That is why. That, that's actually true. That is true. That is why. You know what? That is true. So just the heads up, you know, little thing, if your feet don't heal like right away, we're going to burn just the steak for being the devil. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. But so that's the challenge for him. Prove Mormonism is correct by your feet healing. Right. And I just want to point out that like his last letter was, Oh, Jean, how much I wish you could be here with me.

I love you so. And I wish you could share these beautiful moments with me. And he starts another letter for this scene. And I wanted him to be like, dear, Jean, rat's in the bottom of my fucking feet. We are never coming back here ever, ever. These people are the worst. It's a nightmare here. So all right. And then we get probably my favorite moment in the movie. This is the big moment where he has to prove that God has healed his feet and the magical feet unveiling that is a major plot point in this movie and point in favor of more Minism.

Was that what you're talking about? Yeah. Cool. Go ahead. So like they have this long moment like, you know, like the crippled kid is going to walk across the room at the end of the movie or something like that. And again, keep in mind that what this really is is some dude who came back from Tonga telling a story going like, and my feet are real bad y'all real bad right that's

what we're watching well look at some point rats did something to the bottom of his feet and he told someone they were like huh sounds bad he was like huh sounds bad fuck you Alan I had to do a walking ceremony to prove that Jesus is real All of Jesus was relying on my feet. He'll okay. This shit matters I took one step this enormous woman side-tackled me Yeah, so he goes to walk and he falls at first but his faith in God causes him to rise again And then they all cheer for him and more menism turns out to be the true religion goes to walk and he falls at first, but his faith in God causes him to rise again. And then they all cheer for him. And more of a minute turns out to be the true religion

because of his feet. And by the way, there's another minister on this island, like a regular Christian minister, like Protestant or Catholic, whatever. Yeah. And I wanted him to just be like, come on, fuck that. Are you guys serious? Like he just starts doing parkour like, look, my God. My God, just never had rats eat my feet in the first place. What are you all cheering for? All right. Yeah, I'm not gonna make you do hopscotch because I can go hopscotch. Well, let's murder another kid.

There's no way he does two in a row. There's no way he revives two kids in a row. We're killing it right now. All right. So now that sometime later, he goes to teach a, a tongue and family about Mormonism, but that evil Catholic priest told him that they can't learn about Mormonism anymore, but they're still out to eat with him. Right.

And he has to say grace, which is clever way of teaching them the Mormonism plan, but I wanted so badly for him to just be like, oh, do you mind if I say grace? Okay, great. Dear father, please forgive these jerk faces who are going to burn and help forever. Who might have gotten their own planet or at least the soul in a few decades, but they will. Amen. Please pass the globe. Also, thank you for making our beautiful Mormon feet indestructible magically. Catholic feet reminder. So, and we should also point out that this family, they also have themselves a hot Polynesian check. The daughter of this family is very seriously digging on elder outhouse here. All right.

So him and Feki burp on their way out because apparently it's polite in Tongan society to burp and they fucking play that for every bit of humor you can get from a belch. Can you believe, by the way, one of the listeners who recommended this told me that the family, when she would watch this as a kid, would fast-forward through the burping scene. And like, when she was a teenager, when she was a teenager, her dad would let her watch the burping scenes. But they like, they had a talk, like, like you're watching nine and a half weeks and someone has to pause it and have a talk with you first.

No, we read it on dove.org that there was miles burping. We will be fast forwarding through that. I'm sorry. I need to say. Just imagine that we all had our dad fast forward to a sex scene. If this Mormons that doesn't really surprise me. Yeah, they fast forwarded through the burping scene. You guys are so stupid.

Mormonism is so dumb. You guys are dumb. It's a weird religion. We spend a lot of time with religions and you guys weird us out. So that's why you get your own month. So after that racy burping scene, they're on their way home and they wander into a Douglas Fairbank Safari flicker. Something.

A bunch of evil savages just surround them like Indiana Jones opened the tomb. And he's just like L Laminites, shoot him. Stop resisting. No, but he gets saved by a giant drunk guy. Yeah, Tomassi. Tomassi, Tomassi, he's a good guy, right? Yeah, right. Who luckily has a mercenary?

Doodly do. Yeah, he shows up right about the time this big gang of people is going to beat him up and he says no you can't beat him up I am the largest person here and so they don't so they walk him back and he's and they're like hey, why'd you help us? And he says well because when I was in orphan Mormon missionaries took care of me So I'm a Mormon So I'm a Mormon. That's literally their words exactly. We took care of you. So now you're a Mormon.

Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Didn't we teach you to stop drinking or just not as a child? Did we tell you to the policy on drinking? Not take. It's actually faith-based addiction programs are way less effective. Here I am. All right, but we also reveal here that the evil Catholic take is a well actually faith based addiction programs are way less effective.

You're a ham alright, but but he also reveals here that the evil Catholic minister told his congregants to beat up the Mormons that's why they were about to get attacked. Yeah, so that's that's important. We'll come back to that. Okay, so now he's been one here on island and Again so weird, but this is the weirdest story for a lot of reasons But this is both in the book and in the movie and think about the bananas in pajamas level of racism and Sexism required to include this in your book and movie. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So he's going on a picnic with that family before

that he wasn't allowed to teach Mormonism to anymore. And on the way, hot Polynesian chick number two who never gets a name in the movie wants to seduce him. Right? But yeah. She uses a pretty sweet move. I thought It's quite direct. This is pretty smooth. She's just like, I hurt my ankle. Take a look and my vagina. Look at both. Yeah. She's down there. Pretty smooth. That's a good move. Yeah. Yeah. So she gets to walk by himself and she just strips naked and she says, like,

how about we fuck? But he says, do you want to go to the beach and talk about Jesus? He can't turn off his Mormonism even in the light of boobs. Yeah. Everyone just stops being Mormon there and credits. Again, there's so many spots that could have just ended this movie. And she drops her clothes and he's just like nice credits. Yeah. John was never heard from again, but again, I'm gay and I'm going to get disowned by my parents

credits. Like there's a lot of honest scenarios too. Yeah. Well, yeah, and that's the real key to this again. This is his recollection of the story, right? So like in the middle of his book, he's like, and then you're like, oh, yet another gorgeous woman was throwing her clothes off, trying to have sex with me. Like they all did the whole time I was there and tonguing.

And I wanted to have a great time. I knew how that worked at the time. I did. I would have put my Venus right in her book, Blina. Queen Princess. Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know how this works. This is my parents fast forward through all the burping scenes.

I don't know how she'd make her fingers into a circle and I'd poke in the circle with my finger. And then I'll allow to punch her in the shoulder twice, but you have to wipe it. And then we fucked. Now, uh, Holy Pope, in fact, you're going to take, um, uh, Tomasio to church, the big guy from earlier. So we get a pretty woman montage where they give Tomasio makeover. Yep.

And luckily they had a size nine X white button down handy. Uh, look, we don't have any mosquito nets for you, but just in case you convert anyone between 300 and 500 pounds, here is a circus tent shaped like shirt. Yep. Oh, and then we get the scenes and they they they dress up to Massey. He's church ready. And then we get the scene where the girl that he didn't fucks mom is mad at him for not fucking her. Oh, and he is the he's like, hey, I can't help but notice you gave me a smaller portion of meat flop than usual. Are you mad that I didn't fuck your daughter, be honest.

She's just slamming shit around the kitchen. I gotta say this movie selling me on Tonga more than Mormonism. And that's what's known is that Mormons won't eat the souls of my feet. So yeah, mom's super mad. She's like, seriously, why did you fuck my daughter? Are you kidding me? She's so hot. And he's like, yeah, so seriously, kind of got fucked on that scoop pudding. Let me get a proof. I don't know. But she wants a half white baby, right? Yes. And now she says? Yes. How fucking terrifying is that?

She's like, well, you don't have to marry her. Just impregnate her with a half white baby so that our station and life can be exponentially improved. Right. To which his response is you stupid, stupid savage. Yep. You're the most important part of your daughter. Literally, almost literal quote, the most beautiful part of her is her hymen.

Yeah. Also, for the record, 0.5 rounds down on being white. So to zero point nine, we got you back again. But yeah, they want a mixed race like they want an Instagram star. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. But he's like those are attractive babies mixed race babies are fucking hot. I'm glad we know which babies you think are hot.

Can I walk that hot? I feel like I said that weird. Yeah. I would love for using deliberately pleasing for a baby in the way that babies are which which races you prefer in babies. He all of them not white non-dammit. He go. I'll go next scene. I'll go. What was the next scene? And then they show it. Let me give you some feedback as Eli Bosnick. You're going a little far with the baby attractive. But eventually,

Colepogee manages to diffuse the entire thing with the mom by showing her a picture of how much hotter and half the way is than her daughter. I want it so badly for her to be like, dude, that's in half. You're not fooling me. Fuck, that's in half. You're not fooling me. Fuck that fucking in half. I've seen Princess Diaries. This is tongue, not the fucking moon. That's in half the way.

No, that's not your girlfriend. No, she was the king. And I love how he, this is his excuse. He's like, yeah, I can't share my calm until I'm done being a missionary. And then really I have in half the way. And then, way and then well even okay it's weird how I phrased that um stop asking me to share my comment. I think I could say pretty fairly this seemed to have a vastly different ending if it were us. Oh, holy heathy, why will you not lay with my daughter?

Oh, I don't know. Do you think she's like interested? Not. She took off all her clothes in front of you and asked you to. Right, no, no, yeah, yeah. She did that, but it's hot here, like temperature wise. Oh, but you know. Okay, but I will say, yes, she wants to have sex with you, like temperature wise. Oh, but, you know, okay, but, okay, I will say,

yes, she wants to have sex with you, Koli Hiti. Does she? Yes. But, but does she? Koli Noah, why will you not have sex with me? Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, uh, cool. Koli, Eli, stay the fuck away from my daughter. What all I suggest is that you suggested your savage. Okay, rude.

Also, man. All right, so we all I suggested. All right, I don't want to get into it. All right. So then we get a scene where Chad more putting. I mean, cold, who were, Koli Pogium, Fekki are watching some dude spearfish when he accidentally drops his own foot off or like he's angry at it. I don't know what they were going for. Whatever this scene was going for. He's just like fish and fish and fish and with a knife. Oh, he's like, oh, I'm a shitty swing in this. Wow. Oh my God. This did not work out. Well,

yes. I did not anticipate that. Yeah. This movie's like shit. It's been like 25 minutes since we've done a good foot wound. Guys, do you want to let's, let's, let's do shit up. Yeah, my note on this scene is today I learned my wife is at least part tongue. All right. So now, oh, this is, this is some fucked up shit. Everybody runs to see this beautiful boat that just showed up. And it turns out it's a pimp wanting to whore off some of the tongue and daughters.

Yeah, I don't like how this is all presented. It's fucking, we don't know that right away. So all we see is a boat with heath and cases of whiskey. So it's just like, look, heath and some drinks. That would be nice. Nope, it's Nazi slave traders. Yep, again, I'm Nazi slave traders again. This keeps happening in movies. Which by the way, the moral of this scene is that the daughter who he didn't fuck, she's going to get baptized and then the daughter of the prostitute, she's going to go be a sex slave.

And so the moral of this scene is non-mormons deserve to be sex slaves. Pretty much. Yes. Yeah. Which is a horrifyingly ugly beat in an already pretty ugly movie. I gotta tell you, like, we'll okay. And then we get what should

have been and could have been a gorgeous scene, honestly, right? Like, because the filmmakers were talented enough in this movie to make a gorgeous scene, right? The cinematography was good, the lighting was good, costuming, all of that stuff was right in this movie. It was actually a fairly high budget, a flick compared to what we normally get out of Mormonism, but they get this scene, which is supposed to be a parallel edit of hot Polynesian girl number two, getting baptized into Mormonism while hot Polynesian girl one is being baptized into these knots, right? Which could be a beautiful scene except that it's a Mormon scene. So the most we can see of the prostitute girl is her moving back towards a door with an older man. Yeah. Right. So we have

that one scene in the middle and they can't do anything else. And then the girl who's still on the island getting baptized just being like, more than is the best. I am not getting raped by a Nazi at all right now. Yes. And the movie is very clear here like, look, we all know who's to blame here for this girl being sexually trafficked. That's right. Her, she's absolutely. Absolutely.

Yes. This girl had two choices. Prostitution or Mormonism, she chose poorly. She chose not Mormonism. So, yeah. By the way, does this feel like an Efficient system for getting prostitutes They they they take a boat to a super remote island and they get three this took them like Eight days minimum from the last tiny island that they were at, right? Yeah, I don't yeah

I'm not trying to like make it more I'm not trying to like make it more. I feel like that's what it sounds like. No, I'm trying to like. Does sound like that. Can I give you something? You're not making it better. All right. Well, so why do I make another unrelated?

Can I make it unrelated? Observance of what was happening here. Sure. I did enjoy the kids who were just like playing in the water throughout this whole scene. It's like, you know, super tragic. And we're seeing like human trafficking happen. And there's five or six kids just being like,

we splatting. There are five kids playing chicken in the back of this human trafficking scene. It's distracting. Yeah. All right, well, since the hard right turn, the dramatic flavor of this film just took knocked over all the shit on my desk. I guess we've got to pause for a minute, but first I'm gonna give it act three of the hard right turn the dramatic flavor of this film just took knocked over all the shit on my desk

I guess we've got to pause for a minute, but first I'm gonna give it act three the hard sell here Ken, Koli, Poki, turn these savages white and delight some will Mormon God protect them from the savage vicissitudes of the ocean? What would it take to get the documents that definitely exist of the conversations old white men were having at this time in Salt Lake City about how black Polynesian was. Find out the answers to whatever questions they think they're asking, I guess, when we return for the exhilaratingly scored conclusion of the other side of heaven. Yeah, that third question is all the way. And so then I said, how can I have a seat outside the plane? Ugh, sounds rough. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's over. At least we don't have any more travel podcasts, Lister. Damn it. Do you like cut-off movies? Then come on down to cut-off movies in Virginia Beach on July 27th, live and in person! Hello, operator! That was a person! We'll be breaking down Christian movies with costumes!

Merch! And visual bits you can't see! That was a visual bit you couldn't see! God of the Movies live in Virginia Beach on July 27th. If you don't come, we'll eat your shit! We'll eat your shit? That's what you said? Okay.

Okay, so why do you trust me so much? Well, Kohli Moki, I figure you wouldn't travel all this way. Just one second. One second. You just got a mosquito right there. Oh, do it. Thanks. Got it.

No, I figure you wouldn't travel all this way for a lie, right? Kohli Moki? Right, right. I would not. I would not do that, but, uh, you know, other missionaries have come here also, right? Sure they have, Kolei Moki. Hmm, and they disagree with me on some stuff, which means that, uh, one of you is wrong. Right, at least one of us is wrong actually. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, that's true, isn't it? Yep. Jesus. Yeah, really sorry. I know, I'm just sort of like getting this, you know. I have spent so much time on this. You really did, just a lot. I know it's like your whole thing.

Basically a slave, Kolymochi. Well, I mean, I don't know. And you, you could just be wrong. Like wrong. Yeah, you know? Yep, I could absolutely be wrong. I don't think I am, though. Oh, good.

You don't think so. That's good. Fuck. Oh. It's time. so that's good fuck. Oh It's time are you mad? Yep, you're Very angry so much white you want to sniff me again. We're a lot of white I smell good And we're back for more of this shit when we last laughed, some dude chopped off his foot out of spite and all the pretty

girls sold their bodies for a case of rum. And just in case you weren't getting the whole dark turn thing, we're going to rejoin the action with footchoppy guy in full blown death seizures. Yeah, and he showed up and he's like, don't worry. I know what you want because I'm obviously the guy that healed a child earlier in the movie. Would you like us to switch his religion real quick? And the guy's like, no, not, not what I wanted.

Yeah, the Catholic minister gets mad. And then John, the Mormon missionary is like, come on man, he's dying. A blessing could only help. Just let me try my Mormon magic thing. And you can see in the minister's eyes, he's just like, come on man, he's dying. A blessing could only help. Just let me try my Mormon magic thing. And you can see in the minister's eyes, he's just like, come on man, we both know. We're both lying. We both know, I know you're a liar, you know I'm a liar.

Don't make this a lot of thoughts. Come on. Yeah, so he bends over. They won't let him bless the guy. So then he bends over the dying guy and he's like, well, I guess go towards the fucking light then nothing else I can do. I guess I can baptize you after you die. Yeah, figure that out. I wanted the rest of the movie to be a like foot magic tournament between the two Fixing stuff not at all. Yeah, so yeah, so the guy dies and then Koli Poki starts crying way too much, right?

Like he should be too much. These are bleep more shaken than this man's family. Hey, man, just dial it back a little bit. You're going way over the top. Well, I'm just, I'm looking to be a professional mourner. I was going to say professional mourner lady turns to the person that tackle asshole. Jammer dealer amateur. You can't start that big. He's gonna tire himself out.

Yeah. All right. So that night he's on a beach being sad with Becky. And Becky realizes that a really bad storm is coming, right? Also act three. We gotta get out of here. Yeah, so they rush to a shelter, but there's a little girl out in the storm.

They must rip off karate kids too. Oh my God, that's exactly what's here, dude. This is directly stolen from karate kids too. Like, they might as well run into Ralph Macho out here. He's like, are you looking for a little girl? Different, different little girl. Mine's on a bell. Sweet the leg, right?

You look, yeah. No, love your work. It was there a reason established why they go out and look for this girl instead of the child's parents. Nope. No. Okay, because they get into the little shelter thing and the dad's like, my daughter's out there and he's like, I'm sorry, you said your daughter, right?

You want to get out of the way of the stair. At least come with that. What's the, I guess we're ripping off karate kid to that. I'll go. Oh, so I went a point out and I alluded to this a little bit as we were going to the interstitial, but the scoring in this movie, it's not particularly good. It's like, it's entirely unoriginal, but it's super effective, right? So in this dumb fucking crotty kid to rip off scene, I was kind of on the edge of my seat, but I would have been

more so if my eyes were closed, right? Yeah. Right. You can tell that like a not super talented composer was kept getting told to make it more Hans Zimmer. Yep. Yeah. Exactly. Right. But you could tell the other actors were being told, see if you can do it, not super talented. That.

Right. Oh, all right. So the next morning, everybody climbs out of the storm shelter and discovers that the island has been devastated by a hurricane because there is no God or he hates these people. So everybody's pretty bummed. Except the one dog who is stoked, he's gonna be eating well. There's a dog. Breathe in. Did the dog get like blown onto the island with a storm?

How does that happen? Well, yeah, no, it's owner went on to the land of Oz, you see. Yeah. But they're like, no, it's owner went on to the land of Oz, you see. Yeah. But they're like, yeah, um, Mormon white guy, what, what's happened here? And he chance you guys are burning too many fossil fuels over there. Yeah. It's a lot of weather popping up recently. Yeah.

So, but Koli Pookie and Fekki run to check on the old guy that's the, II that's there. That guy. Oh, that's, he's in mate. He's the guy who got killed in the mech suit. Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah. What? Yep. So yeah. So then a government minister shows up to the devastated island and tells them to rub some dirt in it, right? Who is also the pedophile bicycle. Yeah. Again, this doesn't matter except the movie is going to surprise us with it in about 20

minutes. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And apparently it mattered way more to Eli than it did to us. So yeah, so he's like, don't worry. We'll be fine. There's a boat that's going to show up in a couple of weeks. You probably won't starve to death before then quit your bitching. Yep. Yep. And then they're like, Catholic minister, could you lead us in a prayer and just, you know, maybe a little preventative stuff in this one. I mean, things like, you don't

really, you know, think ahead. This keeps happening. Maybe block the whole storm. Just saying. Yeah. So, okay. So they're gathering up fruit and they're rebuilding the village or whatever, but Fekki needs Koli Pogu to run over here to where there's another scene. Apparently, hot Polynesian sex slave girl washed up on the beach during the storm. Yep.

What happened? Well, she was in the middle of being sex traffic, and then that tsunami showed up, and oh my god, who allowed her to be sex traffic, and was like, well, I don't want her to drown. Let's give her a shot here. Let me deliver her back to her island, which is pretty ironic when you think about it. Right?

Because I destroyed that case of rum that she traitors so far. me deliver her back to her island, which is pretty ironic, would you think about it? Right? And then throw that case around the cheaters so far. So now she's just back on the island. I am a card. Come on. Come on. Laugh it up. Come on.

Yeah. And then they thank him. They thank Mormon God. Yeah. They thank whatever God they think did this. They're just like, yeah, thanks first and the storm to save our daughter from human trafficking, hate to give you notes, but maybe just hit the Nazi slave ship, just them right away. The next time before this, a sharp, remember what I was saying before being angry. Shark could have done it. Yeah. And so then we get a scene

where Koli Poki and Fakki are sitting around hoping not to starve, I guess it's been four weeks and the boat that was supposed to be there two weeks ago still hasn't arrived. And they're doing the I cut you choose thing. And I just audience, if I can give you any advice, do not do this with he gets a scale out. It's a whole thing just. What's more, but the volume is larger.

Yeah, he gets into a hole. He saturates both pieces of food with water to make sure volume, matrically he's getting a fair, it's a whole thing. So I often use a calirimeter. I like this. So and also I want to point out again, it is damn near criminally negligent for the Mormon church to have sent this kid to this island in the first fucking place right and and this is a get ready for your big mission trip kiddo movie yeah right

yeah go have your feet eaten by rats and almost starved a death on some tropical shit hole yeah why did the rats stay with the feet by the way haha Why wouldn't they just start eating like your calf also? Right. Yeah, it seems like that could also work. All right, so now we cut to it. It's been six weeks since the hurricane. And then halfway is pretty pissed that he hasn't written in six fucking weeks. I love that they they overcut devastation and starvation with.

It's fine. Don't write me a letter. Progressive. No, right. I might die soon from starvation. Wish you were here, love John. Wait, sorry, PS. That sounded weird.

I would hold hands while we die of starvation together. No, I wish you were here with crackers and cheese whiz is what I meant to say. And avocado toast. That would be good. That was nice. Yeah. Salt on it. Or you could, you could die over there kind of soon. And I'll meet you in heaven. Yeah. Also, want to say a week. I don't know what direction heaven is in. So you might want to delay it. Cause I'm going to say, I want to say up. And now, and up, and also, so he's writing this letter where he's like, I don't know if I'm going to be alive when you read this letter. Again, this is this guy's recollection. He probably missed two lunches or something

or whatever. And then he says in the letter, he goes, Gene, I've learned things here that I can't express. And I'm like, well, then you haven't learned them. They're not thin. Then they're vague fucking feelings. And then he expresses them. And no, they weren't things. Nope. No, they were not. No. Something about a river.

Yeah. And he's like, are these letters fun to read? Are you, would you watch a movie about me narrating this? For most of the movie? Kind of get what dad was going for with the whole don't want you to go to Tonga thing now. Good one, dad. Good one. But the good news, though, is that while he's reading this note, we're seeing Anne Hathaway walking around in a field in a flowing white gown. So okay, right. I've listened to more meaningless drivel for

less attractive women in the past. So, fine. Yeah. And one point Anne runs across the water because she's Jesus. I guess he was a fuck Jesus. That was ugly. Okay, she did walk on water. I'm not Christian. She does walk on water in his montage at one point. Yeah. I mean, I love a good gender switch on the Messiah. I do not see that being what this Mormon movie. No, come on. That's some Shyamalan level twist. And it's been Jesus the whole time. Yeah, right?

You figure Jesus would be a better Oscar's host. No, you wouldn't. Handle you pot. Handle is pot a little bit better. Fuck. All right. No, you wouldn't. Handle you pot. Handle is pot a little bit better. Pot. All right. So he's dreaming about dying, but then the Catholic priest guy comes to find him.

Old Catholic priest guy has one little bit of food that he's been holding on to, but he's going to give it to the Mormon missionary and they're going to make up for their war over the tongue and souls that they've been having since he got there. And he accepts it awkwardly fast, right? Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, the only other way that could have been more awkwardly fast is if it was Heath

and right. That's it. Please, holy heathy, you must take this food. Okay. I am but an old man and you're young with much to do and wow, you are. You're just going to town on that. Okay. But I'd have to convince it's fine.

Goodbye. I guess I'm going to go it's fine. Uh, goodbye. I guess I'm gonna go die. Okay. Okay. Oh, no, sorry. Wait, just wait a second. Yes? Um, do you have any more food?

Nope. No, that is, that is the last food. I'm gonna die because I... Oh. Okay. Enjoy dying. food I'm boo, boo, boo, okay. Joy-dying. I mean, that's basically what happens. Yeah, I know it is. If you don't offer food, if you don't want,

like if you don't genuinely want the person to eat it, that's fair. But the key here though is that Catholic guy is super sorry for trying to get people to beat him up and spread rumors about rats eat his feet because they hate Mormons and shit. And he's learned that Koli Poggy is actually a pretty good dude. I wanted more trash talk here though from the Catholic priest guy, just like whispering to John, like look into my heart.

Profits don't come from goddamn upstate New York. And he's killing you right now you lose and so are you so they're all sitting around starvin to death and everything and then finally the the bell that they bring when a boat shows up starts ringing and it was like oh it's the boat i so wanted to turn out to be the news you'll in pimp again

is like oh we just right we're just fuck all but, but that was, I rang the really good news, but it's in more Nazi slavers. Do you guys want to be Nazi slaves? Yup, we all literally do. Yep. 100% will you feed us?

Yeah. I wanted to see the boat bell guy wake up and have to deal with that because we see everybody just like spread out for death. That's like the shot. We're getting of this whole town. They like decided not to sleep in their houses and just spread out on the ground and died that day. But then watch him be like, hey, guys, okay, you're all in your shot. There's a boat. Right. Can we just pass it down the line? It's a small. No, no, no, come on. Just get up. I'm telling you with words, it's all the way over there. I'd have to climb a thing.

All right. So they get food and everyone's going to live except for old Catholic dude who gave away his last food. He dies. So we get his funeral that this island is so inconsistent with their funeral. Erry writes, by the way, totally, only know is that that Tongan funerals involve Wicker, damn it. Wicker. Yeah. And of course, Koli Poki plays with a trumpet. Yeah. God, damn it. I like, I almost quit the movie here. I almost quit the movie with the trumpet playing. That's killing me. That's what got you, huh? All right. It really, really different. So now, Koli Pokey is checking his mail because this movie is about, so God damn little, there's a new mission president who wants to promote him, but not Feki. Feki

can go fuck himself because he's not very white and delighted at all, is he? He's like, oh my gosh, Feki, it's great news. I'm gonna be mission president and start a school and preach to our islands. And he's like, that's great. What about me? Oh, you, you, you get to help keep what was that building stuff keep building yeah Sweat shop for pure one import So yes, so now we get a scene where fecki and koi pokey say they're fell farewells And there's this great awkward moment where they know that like in a movie they should have to like, they should exchange something, you know,

you have something to remember me by, but neither of them wants the thing. Right? No, I couldn't be responsible for that. In my pocket for that. Pearl. I got you a dead guy's pearl. Oh. Did you just find that in your pocket?

No, I got it for you, especially. Oh, man. That's so much worse than my gift of lint. Oh, the dead guy's pearl back. There you go. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. And so as they're leaving, Fekki goes, I will build all your chapels for you

because I'm not white enough for a good position with your church, but I'm gonna build all the places that you're in charge of. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That does mean. Sounds right.

Hey, in like 25 years, you will sort of be a person to us. Yeah. Is that help? Technically. No, you will die before then. You will die before then of bone cancer. So that's what we will learn. Yeah, I don't want to spoil it.

Yeah, right, right. Come on, don't give away the twist. All right, so now it's time to learn all about the pedophile. Right? And again, we are going to pick up this horrifying plot thread and then drop it in the sand, right, where we found it. Yeah. So he's talking to Tomassi, uh, uh, uh, Golipocheus.

I guess Tomassi now that Fekki is gone off to, to be a builder again. Tomassi is his sidekick, Polynesian. Yep. And Tomassi's like, well, you know, the other day I brought my daughter over to the governor to let him fuck her for a minute. And then and go to the book is like you did you did fucking what? No, I wish that was the scene. The scene is I used to have to let him fuck my daughter.

Now I give him alcohol instead. And Coli Bokey is like, that's horrible. You absolutely should not give him alcohol. He does. He does. He does. Why do you wish the, that wouldn't,

wouldn't you wish for the liquor thing? Is that a daughter's body thing? Yeah, Tomasi asked this like, so you want me to go back to my daughter's vogue? Is that, what are you saying to me now? And he's like, all I know is that Mormons don't drink or serve alcohol. And he's like, oh, no, we're allowed to sell it, right? Like we, as long as nobody sees the bartender's hand.

Yeah, I put a screw up when I gave her a little blurry thing there. Yeah, fun. So, okay, so, but Tomassi's done with this asshole. He wanders off after after he's his eye forbid you from giving that man alcohol anymore. But again, is a replacement for his daughter. Yeah. Yeah. So God wants his daughter getting fucked by that rich guy is the Mormon message of this moment. Very clearly. So okay. So but but but his counselors have all left him now. So he's he's trying to go on a trip to some other island somewhere

and he has to try to launch the boat on his own, but he can't do it because he needs help and then Tomassi shows up and agrees that it is best to always do it the way people say so he helps him push the boat and they say somewhere. So they're sailing to some island or whatever and they lose their wind. So they're all sitting out there on the ocean and they realize that they're praying wrong. They need to change their prayer strategy. You know, I just realized is we're praying for wind from the south. Someone's probably playing for wind from the north. I have texted them a couple of times to stop, but I feel like. Hey, you know, we can sail into the wind. You can sail into the wind. Yeah, that's the whole thing.

But eventually the prayer strategizing meeting doesn't work. So Nathaniel Lee's the guy from the Matrix. Besides, he's going to get in their little dinghy and row. Cole Pokey all the way to this little island. And I'm like, well, can't. Holy Pokey roll his own fucking self to the other. Why does a brown person have to do this for him? Oh, and luckily he explains.

He's like, look, I am useless and just a terrible savage. But you know what I can do? I can serve a white man. Yep. Yep. Yeah, he has a whole fucking monologue about that. And then they, oh, then for some reason, the camera lingers after the monologue, and I want it to be like, I'm thinking of a thing.

All right, let's do this. Yeah. I see something blue. Is it water? Is that, is it? I see something else blue. Is it the sky? God, is it? I see something else blue. Is it the sky? Goddamn it.

Yeah. All right. So, but he does get Koli Polki to the island and time to share the gospel after all. So he spreads Mormonism to all the other islands and he writes a letter to Jean and Jean writes a letter to him and he baptizes this shit out of some tongons. They were lining the fuck up from y'all. And I love that they're running out of stuff to say in the letters. You're right. Yeah, there's a lot of writers. Any writers of the movie are running out of things to say and made up late in letters. They're just it's like people who text

hey at this point. Fuck you. Everybody texts the word hey, go fuck yourself. Everyone texts, he'd the word hey, don't text. All right, so now, he's been on the island for two and a half years, which I thought was longer. God, Jesus, I thought, okay, so anyways, he's been two and a half years. The chapter president is here to see him. And he's super embarrassed because his lean to his messy. Yep.

And by the way, this chapter president is fucking bananas. He's like, so you've been here for two and a half years and he's like, yep, I opened a school. We were preaching and baptizing. I will starve to death. There was a giant storm. I'd love for you guys to check in more often, by the way. And then he goes, yeah, okay, that all sounds whatever.

Did you fill out the baptismal paperwork? Yes. We're putting cover sheets on all of the media stores. You know, on. Yes. That's the whole conversation. He's like, well, you've spread our religion quite effectively, but you don't seem to have any of the paperwork done.

So, so then we get a humorous him getting the paperwork done montage. Yeah. Which again, I love that was included in this movie because you know, some guy was like, I need these sheets and he was just like, Oh, okay. Yeah, no, you weren't here when I got trapped after the tsunami and almost starved to death. I had to steal an old, I mean, get, get an old guy's food, will you? know you weren't here when i got trapped after the tsunami and almost starved at that the steel and old i mean get get an old guys food will be yeah man

who died laterals can't tell us whether or not he gave it to me get you those baptismal records right away my book you're gonna look like such an asshole so yes just before the president leaves, he brings all the paperwork. And he's like, here's all that paperwork you needed. And the president's like, wow, I sure am sorry. I was so hard on you. By the way, I want you to stay in this miserable hellhole for another six months.

Bye. Oh, um, it's, he's gone. Yeah, it's great. It's like being in prison except for rats. See the souls of your feet. Beat. Yeah. Sometimes. It's a really slow boat. You can hear me saying this. I can see you. You're staring me in my eyes. You were five feet away. I can touch you. I'm touching your hand. I'm touching you. All right. But of course, if you're going to describe a Mormon mission, you're going to use the word adventure and awful lot.

So it's time for an adventure. Is it? Sometime later, he's on a boat with, I don't know, two of the characters, and they find one of the guys kids stowing away on the boat. So he tosses the kid overboard to swim home. Which is so he's dead. Yep. Oh, that kid is so he's dead. Yep.

Oh, that kid is a good swimmer. Yeah. Or he's dead. Yeah. He's a winner or he's dead. And those are great options. Wasn't the two. You couldn't.

Those are the two. I tried to name a third and I was like, what? No, sorry, that's a correction. That's a good thing. Texting pay are you okay? Yeah. All right. So they're out on the boat. And then there's a terrible storm, whether it's seeing this tiny ass little boat, and they have some adventures, lightning surrounds them like a team of ninjas, the way from perfect storms show this up.

the way from perfect storm show this up. This is a fucking kid with a tiger on the boat. Crazy. You guys getting in flying fish. Oh shit. Great. Did you see? Are we so Ralph Macho earlier? This is so cool.

This is this is weird. Who knows that Clooney and Markey Mark in the other boat? What the what is happening? Is that girl swinging? What's happening? Is that girl swinging? All right, so eventually the boat capsizes. Goli-Pokey's out in the middle of the ocean all by himself.

And, but don't worry, Anne Hathaway is running down a beach in his memory, so he'll have enough strength to swim to the guy stranded on an island, Cartoon Island. to swim to the guy stranded on an island cartoon island. Yep. Now, luckily though, Tomasian Kaleppi, the two-pollination disease, was also swam to the island. How incredibly unlikely this is. And they're beckoning him over. They're like, hey, hey, John, we found time out Island. Just keeps what he knows. He knows to keep.

So we're not going to drown. We're going to starve to death now. Yeah. Well, luckily the boat just happened to wash up on that Island too. Is this beef jerky? This is and seats. I ask of a sapet stance. Is this beef jerky? And seat. I think of a sapet stance. He is still far away. Swimming is slow.

This is what I feel like we used up our shouting. What who's your favorite on drag race? All right. So he eventually they get back to the violent, Neow near Wadda Pudipu and the nice thing. I don't even have written anywhere on the hate. No, it's not right now. So he got it on a post that note. No, actually, I said it like 14 times last night.

I was like, you know, how to put a poop. Oh, he made a midi file with different inflections and he was right. Exactly. He sent it to the Ministry of culture at Tonga. All right. So they watched the movie once. It did the homework. All right. So, but he gets back and everybody's real sad about something.

Apparently, he got a letter and they all read it before he got there and they're all real sad because it's a telegram telling him he has to go home now. And what will they do without their white savior? That's the movie. Yeah, exactly. So they'll gather up to have a big white savior is leaving us party. They have a gift for him. The clothes the Mormon secretly sent with him in case he died. What the dad is the most morbid fucking shit? Yeah, they come up to him and say, hey man, when you were coming here, the Mormon Church sent us these burial clothes and told us to follow you around with them in case you died, but you didn't die, so you get to keep them now.

What? By the way, I checked in with some Mormon friends on this. I was like, is this a thing? And the answer was, I would not be surprised if it used to be a thing. But what is a thing is the church not revealing how many mission dairies die on their mission? Really? What? They're just like, they don't have, they don't keep tracking that. I'm sure they keep track of it. They're not just sharing that number with any old body. All right, but now, but there's a, it's an exciting night for the, for the folks on the island. They got their set, they got themselves a generator. So now they have electricity and they have a radio

so they can listen to radio. And this is where the movie loses track of the fact that the English is a stand in for the Tongan language at this point or the movie loses track of the fact that the English is a stand in for the tongue and language at this point or this movie wants us to believe that there's a tongue and loan range around there. Oh, that'd be the best. But yeah, like they're all sitting around listening to the radio and he walks off and I wanted so badly for him to be like kids these days glued to the big wooden box. They don't understand. And then he throws

out his like death shroud clothing and immediately gets killed somehow. That would be good. Yeah, he gets electric, you did by their, by their generator. All right. So, Koli Pogui wanders off to be sad. He has to go, he sees hot Polynesian girl, too. This is the one that tried to fuck him earlier. She has a baby now and she must be married because he's not like looking at her with abject disgust or anything. Oh, and it's the best awkward moment. It's clearly him walking over and being like, all right, last day of camp. Oh, hey, it's you.

We're married now. Husband, man, baby. No one's gonna ask. That's you. We're married now. Husband, they had baby. Who was the last? That's crazy. I was just checking specs on this doc right now to you. Oh, firm, firm. Hi.

It's funny, because I hit you up on Facebook without clicking your profile. But you also have had been living for 10 years. Yep. Why would you want to get lunch? Can you tell if I click on the stories or just... All right, so now, I guess, a hot Polynesian girl too is going to sing him off, right? And she's a British accent.

Yeah, he's going well, right. Yeah, he's got a lovely falsetto. So, yeah said, well, right. Yeah, it's got a lovely false set up. So yeah, we have the whole like he's getting on the boat and everybody's lining up to be sad. And the mom whose daughter he didn't fuck sure is going to miss him. And all the brown people are sure happy they taught, they got taught white people, God. I want him to be like, and here's a jar of my seaman. Enjoy your half white baby. I want him to be like, and here's a jar of my semen. Enjoy your half white baby. I know you wanted it, right?

This is saving the stuff for a while. I had a jar left over from the Catholic guy. It's weird. But I came across a jar. I thought it had come in it. So I was like, alright. And then the last person he says goodbye to is that the girl that he who tried to fuck him earlier, and he sniffed the fuck out of her like way creepier than

the earlier sniff that we got. So much worse. And I wanted the husband to be like, hey, do you just fucking sniff my wife? It's just like tackle him. Yeah. I thought that was a thing. I thought we were because no, man, that's just, that was just feckys weird obsession. Feckys just dying laughing. Right. Long gone. So good.

So he leaves. They all wave their scarves to him as he floats away. And he sure is going to miss talking about. Now he gets back to civilization and he can't, he just can't even sleep on those fancy mattresses anymore. And I love this final part of the movie because the rest of the story is and then I went back home where I was white and I lived the end. Yeah, they're just like, I got home and I was like, all right, toilets. Yeah. Well, it also like, you know, a sensible filmmaker would have the decency to show us him and Anne Hathaway getting reunited, but it just sort of gets rolled into the end anyway, right? Like we see them,

the first time we see them together, they're walking out of the chapel, having just gotten married. We don't even get the God, the whole movie's about the reunion, they don't even give us that. And then we get this like the last scene where she wakes up, but he's already up and staring complexly out over the water towards Tonga, I guess. And she's in the dress from his reverse memory. So they come. And he's like, Hey, small thing, do you always wear a wedding dress? No, crazy. Just a reference to my letter. Yeah. Running down the beach and swimming in a dress. Yeah. In a letter. And then somebody he's, but he's kind of broody and everything. And she's like, come run with me with a band.

And I'm just like, is that what Mormons do instead of blow jobs or something? Yeah, man. Let's run on the beach to get out. Okay. You can run from your own boner. I feel like docking is, was that a Mormon thing? I feel like I learned that in a Mormon movie with that. You're thinking of, you're thinking of soaking.

Soaking. What's docking? Docking is where you put your dick inside another guy's dick skin. Inside the skin? Yeah, you like push forward your foreskin and push them. Yeah, and you're like, wow. You're like, Pac-Man, another guy's dick.

Can you dock without foreskin? No. No. Okay. Now soaking is the thing I was thinking of that Mormons do. That Mormons do and that's where you just, you hang out soft right in there. I can hear when Noah mutes himself these days to God, when we do this. I don't know.

He's like, he's going to do that. So echoey on his hand is back at noise. So I just, it's perfect freedom and perfect. That's it. It's just, no, it's not. I'm just, I'm just checking the temperature. I figure I had a minute. Turn to the temperature air conditioning.

I'm going to do it. No, do it. You're killing it. Teach more words. So then we get our breakfast club clothes. Yes. we get our breakfast club closed. Yes. We get a breakfast club closed. And this, okay, the lady who tried to fuck him gets a breakfast club close, which means

she moved to the United States. What a weird breakfast club close for her, right? She goes to see this movie with her family and they're just like, oh, so you tried to get a half white baby. Ha, grandma and her husband's just like, I would have loved to heads up about this. This baby's attractive. Did you use the jar? The honest. Feel like you used it. And of course, like he died of bone cancer in 1972. Why even put his shit in there, right? So they like the fuck cares at this point.

God damn it. They're like, why do any of this? So like a Mormon test audience saw this without the breakfast club clothes and they were like, hold on, hold on. Did any of these savages move to america and become real people tell us and then and then finally we get the fact that john and jeane got married neither more anywhere near as hot as the actors who portrayed them and they had a socially irresponsible number of children and then went back to tongue at some

point probably to dodge taxes or something. Yep. All right. Well, I guess the closing question is pretty obvious. What is the most precious part of your body that you would let a ratten off in your sleep rather than watch this movie again? Oh, my eyes. No matter what I win. Liver. I knew you weren't going to go a scan after that docking conversation.

Yeah. And well, that does it for our review of the other side of heaven. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to watch movies at you again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, it's our 200th episode, deckular. So I thought I'd pick an appropriate title, guys. We're gonna be watching the best two years.

Is that appropriate? Because they both have two? 200 episodes. How many weeks do you think are in a year? 100 days. That's too slow. All right, so with that, look forward to we're gonna bring up

a 1.99 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to help yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.com. So I've got all of them. And they're by your own early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help it to end by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out the sibling shows, the skating a, the ascitation needed in the skeptic rat available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodinmovesaGmail.com, leave the services for this podcast or provide about the offices of P.N. Drittoris, Tim Robertson, TakeScare of our social media, her theme song was written and performed by a Ryan Slotnikov-Vuel dress on Mars, while other music was written and performed by our audience engineer, Martin Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heath and right N.L.I.Bosnick. I'm Noah Luciens, promise to work hard to earn another chunk

next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes. Eli Noah and Heath all have giant professional mourner lady on retainer, each for his own reason. Coli Poki went on to mumble. I could have been fucking the hottest chick on Newwater Poodle Poodle, fuck Trump. Paradise every time she asked him to take out the trash. Heath returned his plane tickets. When the Breakfast Club closed, showed him the hot island girl is dead now.

Also, when it showed her real picture. That was... Right. I'm sorry. How dare you. It's fine. Go ahead. You played it well. That's just whatever.

It's right in my right. Me out of my own sketches. Maybe I get a few more lines next time. I'll tell you what we'll just let me let me try it. No, we'll use whichever one's better you say, Tom. You're in my head. You got in my head. No, you got to say regular. You're fun. You got this. You're a very good guy. Say it as a contingent actor. Should we just start from the top here? Yes.

Maybe one more time. Just roll it back. Yeah. We'll roll it back to the beginning. I'll do the blue and the red Eli. You just stand off and watch. Sure. Got it. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019. All rights reserved.