God Awful Movies - 2: GAM002 No Greater Love

Episode Date: September 1, 2015

No Greater Love, a story of forbidden love, scenery chewing, and musical montages that starts boring and ends crazy.  Join Eli Bosnick, Heath Enwright, Noah Lugeons, and special guest Meg Griffiths for our review. Meg’s website: http://www.meggriffiths.com/ Meg’s Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/MegGriffiths Evil Giraffes on Mars: http://evilgiraffesonmars.com/

And the second thing is I was like Heather do you know what I want on my top in? 10 years of child support. How about that? You know what I would You know what my favorite kind of pizza is? Having a mom. Who isn't who? I think dead. God awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be left is Heath and right heath welcome back thank you thank you and sitting 988 miles to my right is Eli Bosnick Eli glad you can make it I'm in a chair that's good to know good to know you're gonna need to be in one for

this movie and joining us for the first time tonight is comedian improv artist and guest massacres to Meg Griffiths Meg welcome to God awful movies thank you guys so much and so excited to be here. So remind me how did we talk you into this? Um, Eli's a magician and I couldn't help but say yes. Yeah, hypnosis. I have her family locked in a basement somewhere and she will see them again. She watches three more Christian movies. Also a million years ago I was a film major and so it's really fun to put on my analytical hat and I feel like put it towards the dead of humanity. This is the type of movie you need a film education to absolutely, it's good that we have an answer.

We'll find the two things they didn't do wrong at the end. You can save that for us. So our movie for this week was a 2009 released by the name of No Greater Love. we'll find the two things they didn't do wrong at the end. You can save that for us. So our movie for this week was a 2009 release by the name of No Greater Love. It's a story of forbidden love, scenery chewing, and musical montages that starts boring and ends crazy. So I'm going to give everybody a shot at this one, but Meg, you're our guest. So I'm going to give you first crack how bad was this movie. Um, the movie was so bad I felt like if movies have warnings about flashing lights and violence, this movie should have warning at the beginning that it's a Christian movie. And the fact that it takes place in Florida should basically tell you everything you need to know.

They really sneak the Christianity into this movie too. They layer it and slow and by the end it's all Jesus. Yeah, well it starts out like this kind of like great terrible lifetime movie. Like if it was on television and I had wanted to watch something while I ate my lunch. I would watch this, but then it takes this sharp left turn at literally the halfway point, and then it's the point at which every normal person would turn it off, except people who have committed

to watching it for a podcast or young Christians who can't leave Sunday's full. And I'll hold you up. Yeah. I love how you tried to shoehorn yourself into normalcy at the end of that, by the way. All right. So heath, it's sum up the horror for us.

How bad was this? All right. So, you know how Wild West was a great movie? Yes, I do. This one was not. Now, despite using that really helpful format device that Meg just mentioned when you start a second horrible movie around the one hour mark, I think it still fell flat a little bit. Eventually I just listened to the audio and watched the video of Sophie's choice, which

helped. Like Pink Floyd and Wizard of Oz, I get it, okay. Yeah, just like that. All right, and uh... wizard vaz i get it out there alright and finally elay why should the audience not watch this film uh... because you have literally anything else to do literally anything if there are bears outside your home to live in a rural area fighting one and that's just got there be like come on mother fucker and just just go for it because

who if not you this movie Meg, Meg already talked about this this movie takes a right turn into crazy town Allah and you know how it does it doesn't nice and slowly in subtlety It's like when you want to try weird sexual stuff and then you push it over the line like you're like Oh my god wouldn't it be funny if you beat on my chest like Funny and then this movie is just like you peed all over my chest no thing is a girl I'm a naughty little girl that's how at the end of this movie your entire apartment's covered in plastic

and everyone's drinking out of big gallon gate array drugs it goes all the way it goes all the way it really does well obviously we're all chomping at the bit to get this over. So we're going to take a short break to steal our nerves and when we come back, we will stop making sense really quickly. Are you a terrible person? Have you murdered, raped, destroyed the lives of people in the real world? Well, talk to your doctor about Christian forgiveness. I was a terribly abusive husband, but thanks to Christian forgiveness, none of that happened. Christian forgiveness has been proven in some clinical trials to relieve the effects of guilt, depression, and having to deal with the consequences of your terrible actions.

I thought selling my baby for meth would haunt me forever, but now that I've apologized in my head, no one cares what happened to him. Ask your preacher about Christian forgiveness, because just because something happened in the real world doesn't mean you can't pretend to apologize. Christian forgiveness available in store side effects may include real world consequences, scars to others hateful delusions, scientific ignorance, and a total lack of moral culpability for your actions. Well, despite that gold opportunity to get, well, the get was good, we're back. So I guess we have to start breaking down this stupid fucking movie. Now all I'm gonna say is that this movie starts with a black screen and people yelling and it never gets that good again. That's the high point. Yeah, the beginning of this movie is a woman mad at her own baby and that everything after that makes less sense. Right?

Runk woman who's like, shit up baby, you're not my real dad. And then everything gets less sensec all from there. Well, this is the thing, this is the thing for me when I was watching it. I was like, from, actually I felt the opposite because I was like this is the scene that the whoever wrote this was like this is the scene where like like all the conflict stems out of so we've got to use like a utility camera and like the black and light effect distorted sound and it's like you know she's she definitely throws the baby and I was like this will be really I'm it. And I was like, this movie's gonna be a movie. I'm so psyched.

I was like, that's the devil we thought, and we'll see it in the later class, that's nope. Nope. And then it's like, okay, oh, we got it. She's an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, great. Okay, so we'll see her face her simulator, right? Alcoholism.

Nope, never go back to that again. Never again. And also, she's very alcoholic movie. She's very movie alcoholic. Like, she's poured her scotch into a glass with ice. She's slumped on the floor I can't stand but she's like a eyeball glass. She's just crawled over to the counter and was like two fits and one fits. Alright, where was I laying against the fridge? Good, let's keep it down. one fifth of the way was I like it's a fridge good let's keep it up i was disappointed actually in their coverage of her alcoholism and her addiction that they talked about it will get to like like the explanation yes

to but this is the most that we see her via a drunk and I was like bitch please. I'm doing fine now. You're not even at the glory hole yet. I've had bigger benders than she had in that flashback this week. Right. Also, here's the thing. One of the lines that they said was she goes, you miss the birth of our son. I was like, big what?

You miss the birth of their son because of the gig with the two man our son. I was like, big what? You miss the birth of their son because of the gig with the two-man marketing team. Yeah, couldn't get around it. I was like, I'm sorry. No, you're not a starting pitcher of the mess trying to beat the pirates. You're not niece. You know what I mean? It's like, you're some guy who's like, didn't know what to do with his life. So he and his college buddy sort of this pretty terrible marketing company. Based on their logo, yes. Yes. And as we will see throughout the movie, I mean, spoiler alert, as this gets, they are terrible

marketers because the only thing they talk about in marketing is what this cartoon character is going to look like. This is a 45 month project apparently I don't know he's a copy we earned a sombrero god damn it we've already been over sombrero it's like an episode of madmen composed by an insane four-year-old like a four-year-old who is dad just wore a snoopy mask for the first half of his life and they ripped it off and it was Val Kimmer. And he was like, what happened to Daddy's face? This, that's the advertising campaign

that this child would write, the next day at kindergarten and nothing but black crann. That's pretty high. Yeah. So yeah, so like conflict, alcoholism, drama, tilty camera. And then we move to this flashback of him going through a bunch of photos that he's conveniently organized in order of exposition. Perfect.

Yeah, I'm just kidding. I wanted so badly for him to pull out a photo of her like drunk sucking another guy's dick. I shouldn't have kept that photo as a pet. It's not as poor choice. Well, I was hoping that there was going to be something about him, because I'm watching this and I'm like, who, first of all, you don't see anything except the photos and then hands. But there was nothing in the first scene to indicate who's hands these words. So I was like, who's hands are these? I was like, it's the murderer.

Because someone will die. And I'm assuming it's the baby who got wrong. Right? Growing up trying to find his birthile. No, he just grows up to be very impressionable to religion. That would have been such a better movie, holy shit. I also want to point out one more thing about this photo flashback section. The music during it is what a ghost child sings before it murders you.

It's like, Oh father, go ahead your face. Oh, we're a huge thing. And dance your bones. It's just like, no one in Folly was like, hey, did your daughter take a bunch of meth and then do this song?

Oh yes, yes she did. I promise, absolutely. I promise the daddy would include then do this song. Oh, yes, yes, she did Promise the daddy would include her in the movie so Whatever the fuck came out of her face is the beginning of this film There was so many scenes in this movie where I'm like the cinematography and the score would only make sense if this guy Offs himself at the end of this scene. Yeah For the I would say for the first half until they turn into Christianity, I was like, this horror movie is going to be awesome. And the only blood is unfortunately the blood of Christ.

So that was a good thing. Yeah, it's quite disappointing. So this actor, Jeff, he played Mr. Turner on Boyneeds World in the night. He did. And he was like the cool guy and I looked at his IMDB page and I was like, man, this guy killed in the 90s. He had like three series, he had recurring roles. I mean, you would assume that it would only get better for him.

And not what happened to him. I feel so empathetic for this actor throughout the entire plate or blight of humanity that is this movie because I'm like this guy just wants to get back to doing what he loves he wants to act but like this isn't the vehicle like Jeff like Mr. Turner like you have to turn around like this isn't the right place for you. So you just see him trying so hard to like make the dialogue normal and like be like improv. In my head, he just had like a life coach who would like rub his shoulders out to other auditions. You need to embrace yourself and finally he's got a vision board at home with just a picture of save by the balance on the other hand on the other side of the spectrum you have this

young woman playing Nicky or Paula or whatever this is blonde woman. Yeah. Kate. Kate. Fine. Jesse Custer. Okay great. Is that the actress this name?

No, that's the character from the last one. No it isn't but yeah sure why not. Is that the actress this day? No, that's the character from the last one. No, it isn't, but yeah, sure. Why not? You know my real dad. So here's my question. Why do 90 side curls on women always look like pay us? Yeah, she definitely looks like an orthodox Jewish wish cast a spell on her.

Like she was reaching for a coupons item at the same time as a rabbi's wife and she was like, pay us! She just wiped her hand across the side of her face because she does have those Jewish girls. They make a joke, they're like joke about

like, huh, uh, peach walls are a classic, you're the one that told me that and I'm like, what? Like ew, like, wait, first of all, there's no one thinks that they can't accept someone who's like, well, we've got a paint that's retirement community. And it's about to be splattered with diarrhea.

So how do we go classy? What can we wash people's last parts of their blood off of? It's peach and cake nose. So I'm like, OK, Christians love peach walls, but they hate establishing shots. Can I get rid of a two shot? Anyone? Also, this woman, first of all, they are having this conversation. They have known each other for five years. Something like that. They are having the, what the fuck happened to the mother of your child conversation for the very first time Yeah, apparently the first scene of this movie where people speak to each other in non-screens

They are having a conversation that I Weren't this character would have the very first time upon meeting somewhere The pretty much they would be like oh you have a son. Where's his mother? Oh she disappeared? How hard did you look for her? Not hard at all. Now we know this in the first 12 minutes, but apparently the week before he feels like proposing to her, he's like, oh, yeah, I should probably tell you what the deal is with that small child that wanders around my apartment. Oh, that's a child. I thought you had a midget roommate and I just, I always had a hard time talking to him.

Yeah because I have to say I felt a total bullshit that this awesome woman got the shot. Oh shit. And it was fucked. There was no explanation. No. And it was like they, it's one of the things that makes me so annoyed at this movie. It's like they're making the hero a literal psychopathic alcoholic. Yeah, evil. Evil, everyone in this character is every good guy in this movie is the bad guy in any movie written by everyone who's not a fucking crazy person. Yes. Oh, I know I've been dating for five years, but you know what?

Peace. Just like double birds it away out of the room. And everyone's just like, and we never fucking hear about it again. But I'm, I'm dropping ahead of ourselves. So they have their date. And then they come home to the, to the, to the babysitter, who delivers her SAG after Wave Irline. Why are we talking tomorrow? Yay! She got her health insurance for an extra six months. So then we cut to the coffee shop, where Jeff is talking exposition with the barista. In the vaguest way possible. This is the deal. This conversation, this scene was put in like someone was like, hey, this movie makes a little bit too much sense.

Can you make the basic outline of this movie a mystery? Because they're literally just like, oh, hey man, what's going on with you? Nothing, you know, work. Do I know it? Sure do, am I right? How's the thing? Oh, awful full of stuff

But they had to set up they had to set up a guy Jay Underwood is the name of the actor who makes me feel unsafe because he looks like Josh Dugger Yeah, yes, he does Yeah, he does and so I will refer to him from now on as Josh Dugger. Yeah. So, Josh Dugger is like, like, a real Josh Dugger. Yeah, he's like, member that book I gave you. Do do do do do do do. Like that's his setup. It's like, we've had contact before and you decided not to take it.

And so, what happens? Look, your life's going to turn into garbage and you'll go back to the book in minute forty five and and i was like that is literally a fucking twilight zone episode indeed he does one of the things i loved about this movie is that in the first half of this movie the main character acts the way i do what i'm Christian so is very

fun to just be like oh you read that book ever read that book? No, I don't. No, no, no, thank you. I thought about it and then I did. Home somewhere because throwing that in the garbage is rude, but I, the answer is no. He literally said the line, I don't know, man, it's full of all of the same stuff you usually talk about, which is so fucking delicious. Just like, yeah, I mean, that is kind of bullshit,

don't you think? And they just stared each other in silence over their coffees. So then we cut to the design, the office company. And, and, because this is a Christian movie, we need the offensive black friend. And boy, do we get one. And can I point out by the way that the black Friends name is tea is there ever been a black actor in a Christian movie that had a fucking name that was a real name I mean we've had what murder criminal criminal. We've had we've had We've had various yeah, no fairies. We've never had Dave, you know, right? No one's ever named Brian

No, it's always like school. It's what do you know? No one's ever named Brian. No. It's always like, scooch, scooch, what are you thinking? So actually, you know, in terms of like totally offensive black characters, he wasn't the worst, I have to say. Like this actor actually, I was like, hmm, like he probably tried to breathe a little bit of life into it But that was like I don't think that Romany Malco is appropriate in this movie like we don't remember guys Remember him He's the funny guy from four-year-old version He's hilarious that guy

But I was like that's what this actor is trying to do an impression of him or that's what the Christian director was like Remember the funny ball black ass and four-year-old virgin do that. Can we get him? no no no he's a normal actor with me. He wants money and he's not willing to accept his payment in Bibles and Credit with the GOD. All right well I guess I'm going to look like him. They all look the same. Am I right? Don't say that on camera. Meg, I want European as a woman. The friend T offers two things that a woman should have in this scene. And I want your opinion.

He says that she should make a good sandwich and she should have respect. How do you hide this deal about that as a general way of finding a woman in your life? I mean I'm glad someone said it It's like we only feed around the bush Mad Max is a feminist film blah blah. We got it But actually I think they stole the Dave's to pelto Remember the Dave's felt so that he did he talked about a woman He's like just like a dick play with his balls

fix the sandwich and don't talk it's exactly make him a sandwich was a big theme in this movie yeah the thing is is it's the most offensive because they're presenting it in a way that seems like this is totally normal we're all totally normal right guys right guys it's not like yeah this is Christian this this and it's not even fucking really christian i have to say that's the thing that is like so fucked up about this movie this is not i don't think they should call this christianity because there's a lot of it they just shouldn't you know what i mean like

i was raised in like a protest in household that was like super liberal i mean i don't practice now but like but i have to say though that's more the exception in the rule in this country i think this weird-ass misogyny is far more indicative of american christianity than the liberal protest especially in florida i also like how yeah it's a give it's a given in this movie like that's that is the plot of

this movie is not, I don't know, is a woman the property of her husband? It's like, no, no, no, she's the property of her husband. It's not go crazy, but the question is, should she take him back even though he abandoned, who the fuck knows, who the fuck. It's crazy, it's the given, these opinions shouldn't be on film while moving pictures exist.

The fact that there's a camera that can animate images and people are expressing these opinions don't match time. There should be a... Everyone should have had to pose for 12 hours for a single photograph of this movie, for these opinions to make sense. Then I'd be like, oh, yeah, of course, because that one had to hold really still and they died at 28 at the ripe old age of 27. But in this movie, they have cell phones and also if a character just casually was like, well, I mean, it's totally fine to have slaves. I'd be like, sure, why not? Why not?

Why not? Yeah, I mean, either that or they should just put their like white hoods back on so we thought we thought clear from where it's coming from right right now i thought it was really funny after watching this home i had watched this movie like middle of the night so it's like five in the morning and i'm coming to bed my wife's already asleep and she's sitting diagonal issues like taking up the whole fucking bed and i end up like crouched on the corner like a little dog in on like coordinate fucking movie i'm supposed to be you supposed to get out of my

way yeah so interesting contrast yeah I watch this movie next to a girlfriend who and next to a fiance I should say who plays the ukulele sometimes at me while I'm asleep so to live in the contrast between a film where it's like I don't know what if he doesn't let me pray and my girlfriend being like, I wanna go back to where we can, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it,

hey, sweetie, it's four in the morning. You go on the other room if you don't wanna hear the ukulele, okay, I'm sorry, let me just make some warm under the desk. I do the same. I get less room in my bed than my pug. My pug gets significantly more room in my in my bed than my pug my I get significantly more room in my bed than I do Because if I move her Anna rolls over and she's like don't you're hurting her and I'm like I'm not she's the slave

She's fucking died. It's fine. It's fine This movie is wrong All right, so then we got to this weird sometimes. Alright, so then we got to this weird, bro out movie moment with his son, they're playing ball and he's talking about the girl, Kate, like he's trying to talk him into a threesome with Kate, he's like, what do you think Kate? And the son's like, I don't know, she's alright,

and he's like, yeah, she's pretty cute, right? Like, I mean, like, I know you like me, and you really like you, and stuff, and if this movie ended with like, I don't know, like, I know you like me, and you really like you, and stuff. If this movie ended with like, I don't know, like we get some drinks, and we just go crazy and see what happens.

I'd be like, oh, okay. Sure, why not? I get it, he's trying to fuck his son and his girlfriend at the same time, sure. They don't believe in God, why not? Do you understand? Because the thing is, his dad doesn't realize that it's totally lost in his son to try and

get her into a threesome because the kid grows up to be Jared from Subway. That's true. That's true. Here's the interesting thing. They have several conversations with his 10, the 10 year old boy where they sit down and they talk to him like he's an adult, which I thought was really kind of great. They're like, here's the deal, this is what we wanna do, like, are you cool with this?

Now, sometimes it gets a little inappropriate when the mom comes back into the picture, but I will say this, no one fucking sits down when they're the women and they sit down and talk to her like they're humans. Oh, that's because they're propering, like a handshake, but they're already a bought handbag. The way that you and I don't like ask a book

if we can crack it open to read it, that's how they treat the women in this movie. They're like, I don't know, like should I loan this book to my friend or not? It's crazy. This kid reminds me, I spent 48 hours of my life on lithium. And during that 48 hours, I leaned on a stove that was on and didn't notice.

This kid is acting the part of Eli for the 48 hours. He was on with, you know, just like, if someone came over and cut a slice out of his arm and he was just like, bummer. So mean, Eli, the whole mean. He's trying to do his task, don't you think? What is the acting? It's acting with with third degree autism? Oh, it's an anti-vaccine movie as well. There was a flashback where he was like,

let's not vaccinate him. And then he was like, no honey, we have to. And you saw his eyes just unfocused in a small cut. That's why she threw him against a wall when they're already vaccinated. Nothing you can do. Oh, my life comes. And my life comes. against a wall when there are no nothing you can do all right uh... uh... guys check out my new block and that's what we know is dot com peanut allergies

it's about to be a peanut oh my god we had some peanuts alright could we please get back to the sexism here right uh... sorry so then they have they have dinner uh... this is an amazing thing and amazing. They have the they have the

The you can't cook montage Which he presents three perfectly edible and lovely dishes. They look delicious Yeah, they look fucking fine and it shows the level of maturity of this god And this is where the movies like because at this point, nothing so crazy has happened, but this is the first moment where I was like, this is a movie for grownups, isn't it? I understand on a Nickelodeon show when someone's like,

Broccoli gross, but this is like, alcoholism and reuniting with their family. When someone's like, tofu, butter nut squash. Bleh! Ugh! It keeps buzzing in it? And she comes in and she's so fearful

and like oh I hope you guys linked them to him and I mean I cannot and that I have asked my girlfriend to push a button on a microwave and gotten a no That's the difference You want to reflect a true atheist couple? It's like, do you want to order Thai food? Yes, great.

OK, I'll order it. Just what do you want? You know what I want. I'm sorry. You're not bad for me. You shouldn't have asked. Oh my god. Well, this is also the first of many, many montages.

Oh, man, every eight minutes. They mean very heavily on the montage, like that same like ghost child music kind of swells. You know, and it's like, first of all, the woman who did the music, it needs to go back to wherever she came from, because it's like maybe actually she could be Amy Grant just trying to get work. I'm not sure where the life is at, kind of awful music but like she loved her fairy sprinkles sound

what she loved the little fairy sprinkles sound like like they actually used maybe 30 times in the in the thing that the whole little I'm gonna put this in and post yeah that's it that's it but I was like this is what I'm back like I'm I'm watching them and I'm like, okay. They're literally the director and the writer of the producer are like, okay, we need three food dishes that are gonna be the opposite of what? Red meat and a big glass of milk.

So how do you go far? And it's like really like, these are, did I think that's how disconnected they are? It's like, they choose, they chose three, like pretty mainstream and like really delicious to clean meals. Like they could have gone like way out far to like the crazy shit that what's

a face made in Beetlejuice. That would have been funny. Like she's a dumb dumb. Fried spaghetti, ice cream and beef steak. Like make it. If you're gonna go with the weird, she's a weird cook. Don't just be like I don't know we ordered from the Thai place next door what are these noodles

covered in sausage? Got them. Well but in this movie it's like the nutritional value of what people give you to eat is directly proportional to how much love they don't deserve. The shittier the food they give you the more you should love and forgive them. That's another of the strong messages in this flick. Bitch put a leaf of a lettuce on my sandwich. Get back together with junkie real mom.

That's pretty nice. Mom used to let me lick her needles when she was done. This bitch wants me to eat Brussels sprouts. This lady keeps helping me in playing this board day with me when you walk out of the room to make phone calls. And the kid also has a very weird, the kid and the dad have that weird moment where they're both looking at each other like this bitch am I right? No kids ever looked at their dad and been like I don't know about the cuisine because kids have two modes. They're like yay whatever I'm eating I don't know what do you think of a plating bump bump bump you've been chopped and indeed

Yeah, first of all the set looked like that family room from breaking God And then the way they were treating the mama or treating treating Kate, I was like, oh my god, it's Skylar. They're teaming up against her. She's a bad girl. Some awful is going to have this. I was like, is that kind of dynamic? But like without any of the math and the drug dealing and the killing, you know, it's like,

it's just sucks. Yeah Well, it's it's likely it's like a breaking bed if nothing had happened Right It's like if if you just got not gotten lung cancer and we had just watched them eat breakfast for seven No, just just bad. Yeah, and eventually they found Jesus just just bad yeah and eventually they found Jesus right and then we move back to the coffee shop and the reason that we do this is because the budget on this movie was such that every single location shot had to be used at least five times you know they're like okay we got a coffee shop we got a rooftop we got a bench from forest we've got we yeah that's it that's it guys make a movie out

of it we got a kitchen we're gonna shoot a lot of shit the kitchen even when it makes no fucking sense but we have a kitchen. And I was very distracted by two things in this scene. The first is there's a giant sign in the upper right hand corner of this entire scene that says, buy your favorite bean stuff. Now, I'm trying to sell like two shirts or stuff, but it was, I was just like bean stuff. What, like, re-fried beans do beans do they mean like what kind of swag does this coffee shop have? How much do people like this coffee shop that they're like, oh, you go to bean stuff? Yeah, man, I do. I go to the bean.

It was fucking insane. I do want to say though that the the bean works is in desperately in need of this new logo that these guys are working on because if you see the background, it basically looks like Chris Rock is moaning you with a B and a W tattooed on each ASCIC. That's the logo that they came up with for the fucking movie. Yeah, it looks like an advertisement for BBW's SCAT porn because it's just a turn and turn surrounded by the letter B and W.

There's this really bizarre close to this particular scene too. It's kind of a weird thing that just stuck with me because like after Jeff, the main character leaves, Josh Doug are still there and then two women come in and just, hey, how are you? And the scene just kind of ends and it felt like I was watching a fast food training video. Right. Yeah, exactly. And the other thing that's very weird is in this scene, he's like, oh, yeah, has your son. They wish they wish to get our kids together. And he's like, yeah, let's get our kids together.

And he's like, yeah, bring him to a week long religious retreat. Like why don't you just send him to us for a week when that's a good way for our kids to hang out, which is bring him in, just change religions, change your son's religion. So our kids can hang out. And indeed, he does. So, then they go to, oh, this is where they go to the drive-through. And you can tell he loves him, and he's in deserving of love

because he gives him shitty food here. Right, exactly. And then, of course, he asks his son, if it's okay for him to marry Kate, like his son dated Katie first. Like, like, like, like, like, like, gave her him to marry Kate like his son dated Katie first. I don't know if you've ever become Eskimo brothers with a friend, but that's what it's called. It's just like, yeah, so like things are done between you and Katie, right?

Like, I don't want to make things weird. And you're my bro. Like, I want to, I love you, man. Like, you know, I love you. I love you. You do whatever you want, but like I'm gonna I'm gonna propose to Katie and his son's gonna be like, I don't know man You want to step into that bag crazy? Because he's fucking buddy and not his son because at no point in this movie does this man act like kids

It is his child. Yeah, it's like he has a short friend And so we get to kids' kids' fest or whatever it's called. And the very first thing that Josh Duggers says, he says, we only have one rule at kids' fest. And that's to obey Philippians too. And I wanted so badly for that to be one of those crazy parts of the Bible.

They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. They looped in. crazy parts of the bible dashed the children's hand upon the rock and then all the kids are just like yeah like her semen was that about horse and it covered her mouth and it's like kill the blacks they all smell different i just want i want to so many for this to be one of the crazy parts of the bible

but then all the he goes treat others as being more important than and every kid in the room is like Yourself and the kid to his credit the main kid the lithium kid with his lithium face Or his his post Botox face. It's just like fucking shit Treat others as you want to treat He had that expression over everything in the movie and I got to say at this point Josh Dougher's personality changes And he becomes like a birthday clown with a makeup allergy from that point on It's like he's making fun of the character he's trying to play, but doesn't realize it. Yeah He's like, okay, so we have big Josh

Christina What I wrote little backstories for all of them. So big Josh used to be gay and he's in in recovery Miss Christina former methodic pharmacy assistant going to be a methodic again And then of course there's myth Heather. Oh, you're all gonna like cuz she hands out the pizza Also, she abandoned her child She gave up her son and her husband and just has never, never given them a Google, never done a people search USA, no white pages, no Facebook, that doesn't matter because she cuts the pizza into squares and we'll hand it to you.

But so that's the important turn in this movie, this is Rind the debate section, right? This is page 25, right? So they go to this like they sign up for kids best they go in and then the camera pans and there's that sloppy drunk bitch Heather she's straight in her hair she's got straight hair now which means she's a Christian yeah her really hair bitches are drunk in heathens on straight hair is like your proper this is actually like ripple throughout the female world it's like curly hair a bit but it's like this is it fuck this

nothing so but this begins this begins the long tease this is there's like four scenes where the filmmakers are like we know that you know, but we know she and he do know Which is the same thing as when someone has abducted a child and handcuffed them to the radiator and they're like your parents are just mad outside Do you want to go back? Oh, you don't? Let us go. Please let us move on for a movie so I can be completely trauma. Definitely the cinematic equivalent of being handcuffed to a radiator will arrest his is you that your parents are nearby that was definitely that's the perfect analogy thank you I'm glad you brought that.

This is also the the moment where again he treats his soon-to-be fiance incredibly terribly where he's like no no no you get out of here get out of here I'm telling you get out of here I'm gonna make these dishes if I spoke that way to my fiance she would make me eat the dishes He's like no no no you get shoot shoot we're having man talking here if I was like we're having man talking here She'd be like oh well. I'll just take your penis with me out of the And then I can be part of the conversation too. I'll be eating it in the living room Taking up a third of the couch and playing ukulele.

Well, it's a like, this is the scene where he asks his kid, you know, so how did you like church, you know, and the kids like, well, you know, they sucker me under wrote recitation of theological concepts I can't possibly understand while deeply impounding sexual insecurities that will likely cripple me psychologically, but they're spits up. And water play is my yes so so and I was like well it is a religious

can that's what big Josh is for well I got to tell you to the the pastor guy I'm sure we'll get more to him later but in every other movie that guy's a pedophile you know not not Josh but the but the skinny guy that comes out to do the prayer in every other movie that guy fucks a kid at some point off camera, but fucks a kid. Yeah, and in real life, I would imagine. Oh, yeah. Wait, is that guy actually an actor is here? I don't think so. I think he really is up like a pastor that they got for this part. He seemed to me like the screenwriters pastor. Oh, are we talking about dead run Howard? me like the screenwriters pastor. Oh, are we talking about dead run Howard?

We're talking about dead run house. I have always been a human being. I have ever seen. I have ever seen. I've, listen, I worked at a hospital as an intern. My freshman year, and I looked at a burn ward. I would have brought this guy in to people who had half their faces melted off and be like, well, at least you don't look like this time. I would have been like guy in to people who'd had half their faces melted off and be like well At least you don't look like this time. I right and they would have been like oh my god

Horrible oh and at all This man must not have mirrors in his house because if he did he would smash them and rightly slit his throat He looks like a witch brought of ventral aquist dummy to life I had as soon as he showed up, I said the inability to kill it. Or stop smiling for even the tiniest instant. It looked like somebody put body paint on a goddamn skeleton. Yeah, like Voldemort with a cracked problem. Yeah, exactly.

This is Voldemort's first attempt at like if he had met with a PR person and they were like, Voldy, can you make yourself look a little more attractive and he was like, Kazooom and they were like, Oh, fuck, no, go back to the like snake. Go back to the like snake thing, man. Oh, horrible. Can you turn back into that blonde Nazi? That was good. It's like, it's like it's a Lane's Trish shave forehead.

He looks like if Ralphie from Happy Days got me but never treated it. Oh my God. You know what? He kind of seems like that moment before and writers of the Lost Ark before that guy's face melts. Yes. Uh-huh. It was one of the stages of having looked into the art.

Or, I feel bad for the guy. I really do. I mean, that's the thing again. I'm like, he was excited to be in the movie. Yeah. I just wish that he would like have eyelids that he could say. Yeah.

He looks like a lizard disguised itself as a human, but badly, like a lizard's first shot They were just I think I was gonna be about a person You guys are being negative put a dollar in the negativity drop You know what's interesting. I think that this person this guy would be so much less Unattractive if he wasn't spewing this garbage. Maybe I don't know I would feel worse about saying this kind of shit if he wasn't spewing this garbage.

I can't at least say that. I put it over his head, and he was in the elephant man. I feel like I'm probably feeling a little bit better. If share was cuddling him in her arms, I think I'd be a little bit more empathetic to this character. You know where there's gonna be people out there who could be on people out there who good to you

people out there who's bad to you Jesus is our Lord and Savior cut it out cut it out no touching look it up guys sure that the foreign person touch her during the shoot all right so we have we got another part where Heather serves the pizza? Yeah, this is where we are now. So she serves in pizza and they bond because they like the same kind of pizza because he grew in her womb. No, that was the thing.

I had to call and check with my mother to see if it's just a direct lineage thing. But this is a fun game. Let's do an impromptu survey. If you like the exact same pizzas the parent you've never met, call 1900's movies fucking crazy. So Heather's in charge of food, right? That's her whole fucking thing. She's like Heather, she's really special. She's gonna be your favorite person. And I was like like all this bitch can do is order pizza so like First of all, she's lazy because really and the second thing is I was like Heather

You know what I want on my topping 10 years of child support You know what I would you know my favorite kind of pizza is having a mom Who isn't I think dead Then we watch the play where we meet the pastor who again looks like Ron had words drowned body Who looks like if you shaved cousin it from the Adam family. This is what would be underneath like if you shaved cousin it from the Adam family, this is what would be underneath. Oh, it looks like real easily after stage four cancer.

It looks like member in the movie tremors, the little thing that comes out of his mouth. Yes. It's all grown up. So they do a play, which is the the craziest play I want. If anything I want again if I get a billion dollars I'm gonna make a movie that's just this play because there's a sword and a knight and people are talking animals and fish and it's just everything is fucking crazy. Right but we only get a musical montage of it because there hasn't been one in eight minutes right

They break a stick and stuff off the floor then a lifeguard and Moses get into a fight They sing a song and then someone does a little hoop hooping. It's a goddamn nightmare. I want to see that movie so so badly Oh, and let's not forget Josh Dugger introduces this. He goes, kids have had a great week memorizing verses, the word of God, arts and crafts. It's just like, yeah, you know, macaroni pictures and Corinthians, the universe. Your kids are gonna have some very upsetting questions when they get home. Should we stone mommy? Yes, we should.

Yes, we should. And now we get yet another like ships passing in the night moment where they're about to bring Heather up, but he gets a phone call, which that's another running theme in this movie. This guy has no fucking idea that there's a vibrate. Yeah. Yeah, apparently the outside impression, the story that this movie tells of atheism or at least non-practicing Christians is that we don't have any cell phone etiquette. Yeah, this guy does not need Jesus. He needs a fucking

vibrate setting on his goddamn front. He needs to be like, oh, yeah, he needs the fucking text. That's just like, I'll get this in a second. I'm I'm proposing. Oh, and then again, we refer to her food making skills. He goes, she made so many PB and J's this week. And again, I'm like, you did not need to hire a person. And she made peanut butter and jelly. It's just someone taking an hour out of your day and be like, all right, big Josh, go over there and hand out pizza.

We didn't need a whole other staff. Yeah, but I mean very likely she's got web brains, so that's what she can do. Sure, yeah, she's a fall down drunk who's replaced for all of the things that used to get her where she needed to go with Christianity and a headset at you know at Trinity College where Heather's course, of course her desk thing where she's like, this is my desk, I pick up the phone and I put it back down again and that is fucking it. That is all I can do.

Mostly I just leave, yeah. She has no idea what the receptionist does either then let that roll a little too long. Yeah, no. All right. Now we're at the proposal. Yes, yes. At Cudoba. Right, Cudoba. two or more. All right. Now we're at the proposal. Yes. Yes.

At Q Doba. Right. Q Doba. I am not kidding. I have nicer meals when I eat a lot. I travel a lot for manager. And if I ever took me out to a place like this, I'd be like, oh, fuck this. I'm not masturbating tonight.

I didn't earn it. I'm going to take myself somewhere nice. I want to. No, no, know. Well, I was like, I feel bad for Jeff because things have gotten bad for him. He's eating in a strip mall at a food. If this panned out and it was a food court, I was like, you can't blame him, Panda expresses delicious.

Yeah, it is. It is wonderful. And it's great to have good poisoning on a plane. Well, so so now This is supposed to be his big proposal But as he's walking out the door from this church thing He kind of half asses Heather, but he can't tell if it's really her and so now he's so eaten up about it That he's just like oh and and also they lost the big deal Or maybe for the first of 85 times

Exactly, so now he's just kind of sitting there all mopey and shit at this at this restaurant uh... or for the first of eighty five times exactly so now he's just kind of sitting there all moped in shit at this at this restaurant sort of having his show i still proposed to her while i'm in the super shitty mood kind of a moment that's what i didn't understand i was like he it's the easiest

and the movie is over if he simply is like so crazy i think i'm gonna my my dad white. And she'd be like, oh my god, that is crazy. Did you have something to say? And he'd be like, oh yeah, will you marry me? Because you're wonderful and nice to my son. And you feed him wholesome foods. And she'd be like, I will marry you, in spite of the fact that the first time we talked about your dead wife was last of me. And then they get married and they have lots of atheist kids and their kid grows out of religion. Because you stop believing in fucking fairy tales, you read his name of the wind instead

and then it's fucking over. Credit. It's a fight. It is a you put it in the wrong whole level fight. That answers his phone. She does not know he's proposing. So he's just at dinner and is like, oh man, we lost the call and you'd think being someone who loves him in his empathetic, she'd be like, oh my gosh, let's talk about that. But instead she's like, here we are at the nicest Mexican restaurant in this broken down factory So they have a fight and he goes home and then in case you missed the credits at the beginning

Good thing because we're gonna watch that same big box of pictures again Yes, and again if he kills himself at the end of this scene, this scene makes perfect sense. It was staged correctly. It was scored correctly. But if he does anything other than kill himself or go back on the pipe at the end of this scene, it makes no fucking sense. Yeah, none at all. Also, the music was done by Christian Anya in this point. And then we get back to work where there's anger and randomness between him and T. Right. And this is where T takes on the iced T role in this movie, which the black character often does, which is the black character explains the basic concepts of gravity and human interaction just in case someone wasn't paying attention or left to get their popcorn. He's like,

so you're saying you thought you saw your wife the other day and now you're telling that to me? If any of my friends talked to me that way, I'm doing him and you smell burnt toast with the fuck happening. So you're saying every time I close my eyes, everyone's still there. I don't get it. And I gotta say the only thing more offensive than the black character's blackness was the white character's black friendness whenever he's on screen with the black guy. It's like he, I don't know anything about the actor at all, but the character he's playing at least seems terrified that any moment he was going to catch the black. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. If you talked to, if I walked up to any of my African-American friends and talked to them, this like, they would slap me to sleep. They'd be like, hey, man, I'm sorry I had to slap you to sleep right now. You could have been talking to me. Yeah. At which point he's like, hey, man, you get on the phone with Marshall.

I'm going to go find my abusive ex-wife. I'm gonna be honest. But I was grateful that they did a recap. Like, you know, they should have done more recap, they think like that. Because, you know, it was the same tool employed by like, dude, where's my car every 10 minutes, they had to do a recap.

Because the audience, they would lose it's like, so wait a second. We're still looking for the car, am I right lose it's like so wait a second we're still looking to the car am I right? Like okay. Thank you. And then so his idea to get to find his wife is to go to her church find this ugly fucking pastor and say hey Skeletor can I have that pretty girl's phone number and a picture of her

boobs you know you know the one I'm about, the one that gave my kid pizza. Yeah. This pastor looks like he drank some metamorphology juice potion that was like he was a beaver that drank some polygous person that to turn him into a person. But not quite enough. Not quite enough. He goes into the pastor's office and he has to remove Darth Vader's helmet and the pastor is him is Anakin underneath. I can't give you her phone number. If your lack of faith is disturbed, literally because we're all Christians.

That's who he is. Oh and all of a sudden we're protective of women. Right. All the time we care. Wait, do you own her? No, no, I don't. Oh, oh, sorry. If you own her, I would give you her. I would shave it off and get it to you. If you own it, just directory, I would give that to you, but you don't. More fucking pictures, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, by the time I was like at this point it was like midnight and I'm hungry and I my heat smell that I'm checking Facebook and I'm like I'm fucking saying scene is still happening.

Okay, but this is so he gives him her number and this is when she calls and they have a they have a meeting. This is when she's like Jeff it's Heather and they have a meeting. This is when she's like, Jeff, it's Heather and they're gonna go meet. At the bench from Forest Gump, yes. And the bench from Forest Gump. And they meet like they're standing on either side of it and I wanted so badly for him to just run

and Cesar kick her in the chest. And then just don't shoot, don't get a bump in. It was just like Heather's clavicle in the chest. And then just going to fucking bumble. And it was just like, head of the club. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move.

That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move.

That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. And so, but instead they go the opposite way and Jeff becomes this like, I mean, I originally was like always being so mellow But then I was like, this is the most codependent guy He's like shitting his pants. He's like, where you been?

That's it. That's what we get where you been and I'm like that's like if Jesus came back actually. And then Mary was like smoking a cigarette, you know, like, and she's like, where are you being? Yeah. Yeah. This movie, listen, my dad died two years ago, right? This guy thinks his wife has been dead for 10 years.

So he got mellows you out. But if my dad walked in in the middle of this recording You would hear the screaming in Georgia. I'd be like Because this is again like they've never they must never have ex no one who wrote this movie or I must have experienced loss Because this is not like oh there you are of experience loss because loss is not like oh there you are. This is like you you will do that thing where you're walking with someone and they go behind a pole and then all of a sudden you can't see them. That's how he reacts. Oh no there you go. I get it. You went around. You went to the different subway

turns down than I did. And this is the this is like the biggest moment that we need in this movie for it to make any fucking sense is where she finally shows back up And he asks where she's been and instead of giving us an explanation We get another montage, but it's not a music montage. It's a dialogue montage What the fuck is that that's not even a thing? Yeah, yeah, what the fuck is that? That's not even a thing. Yeah. Yeah. She's just like Alcohol rock bottom Jesus. You're just getting snippets of that conversation of that as a matter of fact I'm sorry I've got to play a clip of this so that you can completely understand just how bizarrely insane this is Where you been

It's hard to explain the last ten years. I was more depressed than I thought, and the alcohol drugs. I blamed you for everything. I just kept running, and then I hit rock bottom. They took me to a shelter. There was something different about her. I started praying. I wanted to live again.

I started praying. I wanted to live again. The most important information in the movie, the information that is most vital that we get from this film is just like, you know, and then I, Jesus, homeless shelter, I've dead of this guy, I've fucked by a bunch of bikers and, whatever, it's not important. What's important is how are you created Jesus? Well, that's the thing is I was like Jeff has got a couple questions. Hey, where you been and then for me The second most important question is who let you wear that bolo in public Fucking breathless. Clearly you're still getting your clothes from the homeless shelf I got a check behind your toenails because you're still getting your clothes from the homeless shelter. Yeah. Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's...

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Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, there's... Oh, bag and that's when it's no good anymore. They have peach walls there. It's very powerful. You're the one who told me. Also I want to say this I was so disappointed throughout the movie that Heather never talked about her bottom. I was like I am waiting to hear the stories about how bad it got forever. Even in simple storytelling that's how good because I am waiting to hear the stories about how bad it got for Heather. Oh, yeah, even in simple storytelling, that's how good Christianity is gonna look. The church is gonna look good, but we never hear it. We never hear Heather talk about when she was smoking crack behind a dumpster and you know

fucking homeless dudes with the dad from out. We never do that. Go and ask to ask with Jennifer Connelly. Yeah, nothing. I would have enjoyed her rock bottom appears to have been I got remember that night we had a fight I got really drunk wandered to an homeless shelter found Jesus and never saw you again He has his own words like why didn't you try to find us and she goes the courts wouldn't let me what the fuck does that mean There's not a court first of all you don't need the court to Google. Oh, you have an advertising firm I'll go ahead and Google your first and last name

There you are you run an advertising agency or what about hmm. I'll call your family You're right Anybody you know she knows tea so she could have looked for T, she could have looked for anybody. Also, the courts will totally let you find your child. Yes. You're under any conditions. You're allowed to go, you are allowed to come 50 years having never met your child

and be like, I want to know my child. And if you want to, the courts will be like yeah here man Here's your fucking kid Especially if there's no like a great if you just wandered off into the fucking middle distance They're happy to show you your kid cuz you owe ten god damn you And that's that's when I started to realize something about this movie is cuz I realized that this whole concept this movie is driven on a concept of Christian forgiveness, which is just no matter what you've done, no matter what horrible thing, whatever real world consequences there are, you just get to squeeze your ash cheeks together and

you, you, you, I'm super sorry Jesus. And then everyone in your life is supposed to be like, well, you know, she did apologize inside her head. For those 10 years I thought she was dead and my son didn't have a mother don't happen. Right. And then we get that weird cross cutting like that scene where like she's talking, he's talking to T about running into her and she's talking about to her friends and her friend is telling her what an awesome thing God did. Oh, we brought you together You know, he also did all that other shit that led to the him needing to do this awesome thing. Oh, yeah The wish is like look it she goes God has done an awesome thing

I know where he made you an addict and then you abandoned your son and then your son was a loan without a mother and without God and his destined for hellfire and so is your husband. And then he made you drink and go to a rock bottom place and then your husband was alone and met another woman, he fucked her, he fucked her over and over and over again. And he thought you were dead, he mourned for you, he got over your death. But now you and your son like the same kind of pizza. So it was all worthwhile. I was waiting for her to be like, I couldn't ever find you. And then the next scene would be her back in her home. And it's just like, you know, there's like 25 like monitors watching them. You know, she's like breaks and you know what I mean? It's like it's a beautiful mind

She's got the newspaper with the stables around all the letters Yeah, oh if it turns out Jeff and the Sun are all in her head. Oh, here's my alternate proposal for this movie All right this movie the second everything after the first scene of this movie takes place in her head It's like the second act of Windr's Tale by Shakespeare. It's all takes place in her head. She throws the baby, the baby dies on impact with a watch. Oh, dead baby. And then the whole movie, there's just a flash cut after the credits of her just rocking back and forth in a mental ward somewhere. And Jeff is just looking at her through a window and he's like, well, it's nice that she has something to entertain herself and she's like, something tells me I made this lady me pause you guys

can you name me pause exit pursued by a band which by the way what a fucking nightmare that never has an effect on this kid where he's like, hey, you remember your lunch lady, right? You're, she's your mother. She's your mother, your lunch lady with your mother. And the thing is, because he had such a lack of reaction to the fact that this was his mom indicates to me that Jeff has done good parenting. Right. Or that the kid is so emotionally damaged,

nothing phases him anymore. It's one of the other right Yeah, he just starts to hold a lighter under his hand like Gary Bucy and the weapon What do you think of this mommy? Karithians 412 I Walk out of the fire on the arms. Oh, I did some damage. I'm gonna be I'm gonna leave. Yeah, no, it's been good seeing you Yeah, see you in 10 years. I'm gonna be I'm gonna leave yeah, no, it's been good seeing you. Yeah, I'll see you in ten years I'm gonna find Krishna this time So and then oh and then so he's like so I broke up with my girlfriend

She's like oh you broke up why and it's like oh you don't know you're fucking no because you're ruining my life again You know cuz her cuz her tits were. Why do you think you broke up? I did it by watching you, my mom's dead. Yeah. Broke up. So he's like, hey, it's been two days. I have no idea who the fuck you are, but move in with me and have a second baby.

And she says, Jeff, I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I can't because you don't believe in a whizz or right. But you know what Eli, I have to say, you perfectly encapsulated the insanity that is this movie with like, none of this makes sense with storytelling. This shouldn't be a movie. It should be like a drunken retelling at like a Monde Thursday church church Right exactly. This is what the third string pastor should this is the story of third string pastor should tell at the bar afterwards

He's like, I'll tell you guys a story. All right, and this is real Hi buddy. His wife left him. She was a methacol Goliath And she told him if you finds Jesus and he did, and they did. And everyone's like, so do you know when Pastor John is back? No, I don't know. And he's back.

He's got some kids, you happy? I'm happy. Also, I don't have any skin and I can't blink. Every time I blink, the back of my neck ripped open and I can't blink. Every time I blink the back of my neck rip open and I start to believe. So then he goes to the church to have this and as a non-believer this is so fucking insulting that again this is just a given it's a given in this movie that a believer can't can't marry a non-believer. It's totally fine for a believer to marry another believer who abandoned them for ten years. In fact, it's fucking encouraged.

Oh, she abandoned you for ten years and left you alone with your son. Well, you gotta let her go. She's your wife. God wants you to be together. But if you don't have a magic best friend, if you didn't read Harry Potter and go where the fuck is platform nine and three quarters quarters no love for you! And it's so bizarre too because it doesn't even signal the turn. We're going 90 miles an hour towards just boring stupid lifetime movie with a little Jesus in it and all of a sudden we're 90 degrees turned and we're heading straight to bat shit opalus without a fucking stop. Right yeah absolutely it's totally and then we again he has a conversation with the preacher the bat shit opalus without a fucking stop. Right. Yeah, absolutely.

It's totally, and then we, again, he has a conversation with the preacher where everyone in this movie just completely calmly accepts this totally and same thing. I wanted this to just be T. I wanted this character to be replaced with T and the preacher's just like, well, she can't marry you because you're black.

And T's like, yeah, I get it, I get it. But you know, we never divorced and they're like, oh, well, in that case, you're fine're fine I'm sorry I use the N word so my point across okay now it's time to talk about the tuck-in time scene oh tuck-in time Ethan asks his dad to pray for him yes uh-huh which I felt was the most disturbing scene actually in the whole movie. So Ethan is now, right? He's had enough of the church camp, he's been enough, he's like been hanging out with his mom alone and having pizza and like...

He's got Jesus in him now. He's got Jesus in him now. And so now we see like there are like horrible rape scenes in movies depicting of like wars and you know wars and killings not as disturbing as watching. I will watch unforgivable on a fucking oculus grip over and over again before I will watch this scene where he's just like dad will you say a magic spell so I can go to sleep and he's like sure why the fuck not and again I literally I was staring at the screen

being like, help your kid. Help your fucking kid. Just take a second to be like, hey buddy, that's not a thing we do. And let me, but nope, he's just like, fine. Dear God, bring me some Cheerios. What else? Go fuck yourself.

And then the kid has an even creepier, or a slightly less creep me more, where he's like, I really like mom. And I want to name so badly to be like, no, I mean, I like her like her. No. We like the same kind of pizza. So, you know,

hmm, good mommy. What this felt like to me was, because this was kind of like a surprise, like it kind of caught Jeff off guard. And then I'm like, this is literally the same red flags that should go up if like you send your kid to camp and they're like, Dad, will you pollution all over my special spots? Something bad is happening at the camp.

Right, something terrible happened to you. Take your kid out of camp because you love them. So how was camp? Well, I found out where I'm the most ticklish. Oh, OK. I'm going to call the police. I'm going to call the police right from here. I really like my counselor.

Oh, do you? All right, great. So you're going to be seeing a counselor from now until ever. Until ever. And then, but instead of the other thing, just in terms of like the technicality of the like the prayer scene, I'm like, okay, so let's say that this practice has been introduced to this totally impressionably young son.

Even in any kind of general, even in a general sense, it's so fucked up how they approach it because I'm like, dad, pray for me. And I'm like, you lazy fucking... You have prayer. Pray for yourself. Pray for yourself, you little bastard. And then he laughs. And it's like a line that should be that is clearly directly delivered to the Christian parents in the audience. Okay? Like when Homer Simpson says a funny line

that's gonna go over the kids heads, but like the audience, like the adults are gonna laugh, he's like, Dad, your prayer needs work. Right, and all the Christians are supposed to be like, it's true, it's really good at all. He doesn't know you, he's not gonna do it at all. Wingardium leviosa. It's funny.

It's funny. Kinda like, this is just like gross and and creepy and now they're kind of like feels like they're like batting Jeff around, you know? It's like only a matter of time. This is the initiation process, you know? Well, you all, you and the audience know what's going to happen. We're going to get them to the right side of things. He doesn't think prayer makes sense.

Which by the way, if you introduce a 10-year-old to prayer they are not going to take to it. No you've got to get a religious household and I was three and I was like so we can just talk to him whenever we want and my parents were like have some jelly bean stop-ass just stopped up if I if I went a 10-year old Eli went to Christian camp I'd'd be like, you know, listen to this fucking shit they said to me. I would definitely like be like, can you pray for me? I'd be like, can I go to arts camp? Right.

Now, this is, okay, so we already touched on the fact that a big, big giant part of this movie is the idea that Christians can't marry non-Christians, and that's just accepted as a given, even though I haven't found it anywhere in the fucking Bible. I found that Jews can't marry black people, but I haven't found anything about Christians not marrying non-Christians anyway But then it gets even fucking weird. It really just goes of how our family would react So nice to meet you. She so well spoke Very well spoken. That's just that's just God looking out for us down the line. Yeah, she's got such a nice bow. Oh, I like it

The bow. I like Bernie Sanders. He's much with Martin Luther King. You know where of mr. King Not the the junior one That's who Bernie Sanders much better the parents. Oh Is that a Jewish old lady? Yeah, it's Jewish character. That's a Jewish character, man Jewish old lady. Yeah, it's Jewish character. That's a Jewish character, Meg. That's the point. That's the point. You're doing a Jewish character right there and not quite hitting it, but that's okay. Benny, see it. Thank you. Oh, that's my Jews.

Bernie represents all of us. So he's not allowed to marry her if she's a Christian, but now we discover that because he never signed the divorce papers to the woman that the law thinks is dead, he never signed the divorce papers, they're still technically married, so she's still his property. Right, he declared her dead,

but he didn't divorce her, so it's funny. Christianity, if you think someone's dead, it doesn't mean you can't still fuck them. They're all yours. And that's when we get to the most spectacularly bizarre fucking moment in this movie in my estimation, where after she learns they go back to Ron Howard's ghost and he explains, oh no, you're still married and he owns you and he owes your dad 50 Shuckles something like that. That's when you get her talking to her friend and yelling I'm supposed to submit to him. What if he doesn't let me pray? Yeah 50 Shades of Love. Yeah what if he doesn't let me

pray. Now Meg I have a question as a woman who has to submit to her husband. Follow with me. If your husband did not allow you to pray, how do you think? Is that, have you tracked her? I would just go right back to crack back. Does he, have you and him talked about when you are and are not allowed to pray? What thoughts you're allowed to read, etc. Read? You're allowed to read? Yeah.

Actagon. Who taught you octagon? So, and then we get this weird moment where T's fulfilling his function, his dude wears my car function of explaining the plot again. So he's like right He's iced tea. Yeah, exactly. Is it are you telling me that when you thought you weren't married you couldn't be married And now that you are married you couldn't not be married because Mary had a little bit wait wait what now What are you? You telling me this doesn't make any sense anymore? Yeah, yeah, and for a second that character steps out of the movie

And he's like wait doesn't that make no sense? And he he's like, oh no, don't worry, it totally makes sense. And he's like, I think this is bullshit. We'll put a spreec- And this is bullshit. Let me see the script. I just don't understand how any women actually worked on this movie. I don't understand how many people were in it.

This has got to be a union movie, right? It's a sag, probably a sag, low budget. This is Lionsgate. Yeah. This is fucking Lionsgate. Right. It's not just like how did anyone look at this script and not just go, you couldn't, if someone walked up to me on the street and was like, hey Eli, would you let this movie

get made? I'd be like, oh no, I'm taking this. Is this the only copy you have to catch me now? You have to catch me and I would fucking sprint away. My 20 minutes of cardio is going to pay off just like, no! I can't believe that there was nothing about abortion in this movie. Like that is the number one thing here that's like, so the only misogynistic box they didn't tick. Yeah. All we need was for the pastor who looks like Peter Pettigrew to just be like you know since she's your wife no such thing is right. Just say like warm up the oh my god. She implied the fuck out of that though didn't they wasn't illegal until 1995

Wow, all right well unfortunately, there's still a lot of this movie to go But we're gonna take a quick break because damn it. We've earned it. So let me give act three the hard sell here Will Jeff and Heather reconciled or broken marriage will we ever hear from the blonde chick again? Will he let her pray find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the exciting conclusion. Okay, when we return for the conclusion of no greater love. He was so nervous, he spills the tomato sauce all over the place. Such a mess. But how did you guys meet?

Oh, well, we met when we were kids. Oh, young love. Yeah, yeah, and then when we were high school sweethearts. Adorable. But then he was at work too much so I abandoned him and my son for 10 years but listen to this 10 years later I'm working at a church desk. Wait I wait. I'm sorry. You did what? Why abandon him and my son. Holy fucking shit. That's horrible. Okay, well, to be fair, I did miss our anniversary. You abandoned your son and husband for 10 years because your husband was busy. Well, I mean, drugs. Alma Shelter, rock bottom, Jesus. Those are just words what are those words mean of Corinthians

Jesus inside of me. Okay, listen Listen, that's not the point when we met up again I was about to propose to another woman, but when I saw her that was over Wait a minute you you broke up with your almost fiance Because the wife you thought was dead came back? Yes. That's... that's wharf. Is she okay? I have no idea. Listen, you're missing the point. The point is when we met up again, I realized that I needed to get right with the Lord and change my life to deserve her.

Wait, wait. Let me get this straight. She abandoned you and your infant son for 10 years. And when you saw her again, you broke up with your long-term girlfriend and soon to be fianceed. But you felt like what you needed to change was your religion? Yes. Where are you going to go? Yeah, I think we should go. They were rude. Am I right?

Atheists. Math and phantomine. Pizza. Alcohol. Pizza, alcohol. This summer, their love was real. I love you.

I love you too. But there was a problem. What's a... You come in for a drink? I can't. But why? A completely made-up problem. The floor is lava.

From the producers of no greater love and fireproof, two movies where the thing holding people back from happiness is a set of made-up rules that make no fucking sense. Okay, what if I put like cushions on the floor? Then I could walk across the cushions. But if I fall, I'm dead, and I have to go to jail. A love story about two people and the invisible fucking reason they can't just have what they want. The floor was lava.

The curtains are snakes! Jesus fucking Christ. The curtains are snakes. Jesus fucking Christ Alright, we're back for more of this shit when we last saw our hero We were watching a different movie because this movie doesn't have any fucking heroes It is devoid of likable characters now that the blonde chick's gone But the assholes in this movie were trying to decide how many shekels Jeff's gonna. Oh, Heather's dad after all of this stuff I do believe last we heard from him. Yep. And this is I believe when we left off this was the part where Jeff was

pointing off the kid to go send him to church or whatever mom. Right. At which point the kids like, hi mom and I'm just like, wow fast. That kid attaches. That's my sign that this kid is not healthy. He attaches very quickly in this film. Yes. Kate who he knew for five years was in a relationship with his dad and played board games with him. He's like, Kate, who? This is mommy now. Like something out of the fucking Omen.

And then she gets told by Grace Underfire, right? She goes back to her. And the one piece of advice that she gives, she says, think how you can influence your son. Right, you can make him more Jesus-y. That's what she's after. That's what Max says. Right. Oh, and then again, because everyone wants to fuck this kid, they have a date. They go on a date. Her, the son and the mom go on a date. And you can tell that she loves him because she's giving him on healthy food. She's like, look, it's the pizza we like. And then she shows him what a useless horror of a shell of a woman she is, which is like, this is my desk and sometimes there's pencils and but nothing too sharp. Because if I do, I remember, I remember when I had to kill Belinda over the

last newspaper blanket. So they, I just tell them that just if I need something cut I bring it into the office. I'm just I'm just a jealous person. Who are you? Oh right? I'm your son. I'm your mom Right, and then she says again She says for the rest of my life I want to be a great mom and I just wanted to I just wanted her to be like unless I leave again And then I just apologize to I just wanted her to be like unless I leave again and then I can just apologize again and totally forgive myself and then be the best mom and then she asked her 10 year old for forgiveness which is so fucking I mean that's like emotional

incest that we're watching yeah with like set dressing on it. You're 10. You understand the consequences of my abandonment of you and your father? Do you still love mommy? There's a caramel cow tail in it for you if you do. You're just gonna cream the center and the lithium makes everything taste like cotton. And then we're back to the month.

As we're back to the fact that the music is now trying to cover up terrible storytelling, like a cheap alone. Yeah, because like every time the script called for anything with any emotional heft, they just did a musical montage where you could see people talking, but you couldn't hear the works. Yep. Exactly. So they have a date montage. So they turn like them being a couple and whenever and isn't that when she says,

can I show you a secret? Yes. Which is then where it turns into a cat porn. Yeah, right? Because you don't think I show you a secret and it's got to be something. It's always your butthole. If someone wants to show you a secret,

it's a piercing or your butthole. That's the only thing. Those are the only things in the 21st century that are a secret. There is one other thing, and that's when the alien parasite bursts out of your stuff. Right, exactly. Which would have made a lot more sense, too. And what it turns out to be, she's got two very gaudy, heavy necklaces, like, like, you know, like quarter-inch, thick silver chains

that like, at no point ever popped out of her shirt, how is that possible? And at the end of it is her, her, her, her, her, her original fucking wedding ring. I wanted it to be her dick. I just wanted her to pull out a giant, a giant wet. Can't believe you didn't notice this back when we were drinking on a sarcom size and then this is the feed is that the last do you remember? I named it Josh, Ron's it. Ron's it was a miscarriage for all safety because we can leave it to the person. And fucking my cock becomes on and starts to give it mouth to mouth.

And then he jizzes on it. You know what I mean? And it's like I showed you a secret. Like oh my god. I just want to get up before this. There's a scene where he has coffee again with Josh Dugger. And Josh Dugger says he just wants to show you respect. Like a dog with its owner. Yes. And make I want your thoughts. How is a woman? Because I've listened. I never get compared to a dog as a woman. Do you think how does it feel to have that relationship compared to a dog in an owner? Is that like a positive thing for you? You know, it's one of those things that's like, it's, there's no way that any woman who's self-respecting

would even identify with this character. It's like if I was going to confuse an actual complement with what like the construction worker hollered at me. Wait, exactly. It's like, oh, we got suck your tits. What, thank you. You know what? He thinks I'm really pretty. I really, you know what? No one said anything. I should probably go home and change.

It's like, I don't base myself worth on that and neither should I fucking anybody else. But it's like, you know, like what, Josh Douglas now the fucking like dog whisperer. He's like, she's a leader of the planet. Now it's no use. And then something amazing happens. This is an amazing scene because they're up I will study there in Josh Dougher's like creepy like he got like that

the panel couch there was just like that so many more stations happened on that yeah those coaches are so hard to get blood and seeming off of and then he's in the kitchen, the kitchen on his razor phone and then Ethan comes up to him. Right. To scream about how many? 86,000 points. And like, it was like a Myzener exercise. It was like, just, okay Ethan, you're just going to say that until you get a reaction, okay?

And in any other scenario where a parent is talking on the phone and a kid is trying to get their attention, the parent is going to yell at the kid. He's like, stop. Yeah. Because that's how fucking parents anymore. Right. Right. But like little baby fucking Jesus can't be yelled at apparently. Right. Which likes one wonder, what is the appropriate response when

you're on a a vital business call and your kids like it is a dog that point and it's a thousand point and sorry Dave I got to get off the phone my son scored 86,000 points I'll call you back later all right go with the Johnson company whatever so you scored 86,000 points. Yes. All right. Great. Now I can make my fucking phone call so we can eat food And what is 86 that unless you're playing maddened, I'm unimpressed. There's no game where that's a good school Exactly, and he's also it's like He says 86,000 points and then when he comes in the room after yelling at him everyone acts like he put a fist inside him Everyone he's just like,

Fierty, Yodia, me and everyone's like, how could you make a business call during the day? Bible study, no less. At which point we get a flashback to something that Josh Dugger has never said, but it's great. He says, Heather has Jesus Christ living inside of her. And I was like, is that right? I mean, I'm not a Christian, so I don't know, but that's fucking crazy. Just like, you eat enough of the body of Christ and eventually it assembles it forms inside like

a church. Oh, exactly. So I was going to say that that in and of itself is suggesting that that in and of itself is suggesting that if Jesus Christ is the Lord in Savior and Jesus is insider than aren't we our own Messiah? Okay, Deepak Chopra. Right over my hand, you're all that. Totally like against what I don't know. Who the fuck is your product complete system? against what I don't know who the fuck is your complete system. If you replace the word Jesus with the pod people in this movie, it makes complete. Oh, make a ton of sense. Yeah. The thing is this what would have made sense with it's Jeff had smacked Ethan.

That actually would have been a heightening interesting move. Something that's like, okay, well now, right. Well, the movie would have had some heightening interesting move. Something that's like, okay, well now. Well, the movie would have had some balls at some point in the face, yeah. It's like, oh, okay, well, that's scary, and you don't believe in love and tolerance, which is what the Bible is teaching, because you think it's okay to smack your kid. You could only smack your wife, yeah. Right, exactly. Actually, the Bible expressly tells you to smack your kid

in several spots, but yeah. So you know it's smack your kid, smack your wife, smack your, it's not as hard as black, smack your cow, it's shit, so it's all the same. Okay, so then, but I mean, Jeff does take that the heart because when he's like in the line in bed scene, he crunches his pillows.

Oh, God. So great. Yeah, yeah. I really felt the actor going through that experience and he was like, I was Mr. Fav guarantee you that they cut out the sound of it. I was Mr. Fucking Turner. Man, I was going to be like the next valkimer when a whole action thing set up and then I took one summer off and I just fucking Ashley said she wanted to see Europe and I was like the career will be here when I get back and now Now the director keep putting his hand in his pants every time

So then he signs he singly signs the divorce papers because you can just you can just divorce someone on one You can just Someone it's like here divorce that's right by divorces that's a theme of the movie writing your name in cursive is magical exactly so then we end up with you know that

the the the sermon close of this movie where he's talking to Josh Dugger oh wait a second wait sorry I lost where I was for a second he says I'm releasing'm releasing her, Dave, I signed the papers, right? That was the line. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm releasing her.

Like, he just gave Dobby a saw. Yeah, it's the same. We didn't go to the exam, I'm going to... I'm free! Don't be well. And then he says, I see it see it it's real isn't it and then that's the line from every sci-fi movie where it's like yes Jeff artificial life is

like a line out of ex-Mogina and then of course when when when he says that he released her Josh Dugger argues back no God gave Heather to you right gave really gave her to you No, I had I paid 50 shekels for that. It's like when you want to return grandma's Christmas present and mom's like no Okay, just no I don't want it. It's like no, no, you're gonna keep it You're gonna keep it and you're gonna wear it in front of her God gave you Heather and you're gonna keep her And you're gonna fuck her in front of God.

All right, it's a nice gift. And you know what? God's not going to be around that long, honey. Honestly, God is getting a little bold. He's about 2,000 years old at this point and the truth is he's not going to be around forever. All right. And it means so much to him to see you fuck that wife he gave you. It just makes me wonder, what is it that these women are getting out of this?

Like the women on the upper side are getting millions of dollars, they get whatever they want, they're part of these social circles, that's what they're getting, they sign contracts. What the fuck are these women getting? 19 kids and young. No, they're getting fucked since birth is what they're getting. They're getting, they're being taught that like that's how you value yourself. That's what your mother told you. That's what your grandmother told you.

You know, you grow up in Nebraska where everybody seems to be reinforcing this message that the way you value yourself is how submissive you are to your husband and how good of a fucking sandwich you make. And you can't help but grow up believing that. Right. I recommend Vicki Garrison's no longer quivering blog. Right. If you really want to dive into what it's like

for those women, it's terrible. Who the fuck knows? There's horrible. Yeah, I can't think about that too long. It bums me out. Because that's the kind of thing that instantly, like my depression loves that and jumps right on it. And it's just like, you know, there's real women

who believe that. Eli and I'm like, no, man, I'm trying to go to sleep. No, no, no. Right now there's some woman who didn't want to head sex, who had sex tonight and you're sitting in your warm, and I'm like, no, man, come on. We have work tomorrow because I'll just be up in four in the morning being like, how to volunteer

for crisis hotline.com. Oh, you're such a good guy, Eli. See it. volunteer for crisis hotline.com All the worst. She's such a good guy. Yeah, see it? Or at least he pretends to be on the podcast. Right, exactly. Anna's making a sandwich in the other room right now. That she's about to fucking eat herself.

Exactly. Yeah, right. Oh, did you want some? Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle on the ukulele. You know what's funny though? Anna sounds like an abuser sometimes to wear your scriber. She's kind of, she's very strong.

Back to the movie. Damn. So then they get back to the house. Oh, we need to cry, Rick. So we get back to the house. Only the Patreon subscribers will know I'm being abused. crybreak For just a dollar an episode you can watch you like you can hear you like it in the background Oh god she's been drinking everyone be quiet everyone be quiet Oh got her bobro her post-strings bro. Guys

It's my fault. It's my fault. I should have checked her bow. I should have checked her bow. It's fine It's fine. I make her hit me guys. I make her Cuz I don't listen I'm so stupid She's very strong. She's a very strong woman. me like married very very strong. We love her. Yeah. All right, so um great. So then they arrive home and she has returned the divorce papers with returned to send her. Now I did not realize that he gave her a key instead of a gauge ring at the beginning. So I thought she broke in, which made this the end of Link's dark. I just wanted it to pan out to like a broken window with blood on the edges of the glass. Or just being like, so here I am. And I won't be ignored.

Oh, that's hilarious. Here I am and I will be ignored And then she has I can't even remember I just I wrote down the line because at this point It's like five in the morning and I'm just not paying attention But I just scrolled this out as as as a three-year-old scrolls with crayon the line the more I love Jesus the more I love you I don't remember who fucking set up that's an actual line. She said the reason I'm back is because of Jesus Christ. Right. And the more I love him, the more I love you. In that, in the K.A. Let's have a four way.

With Jesus. And the kid. And the kid, right. Yeah, the kid with Jesus. Well, it's automatically a five way if you bring Jesus into it though. He's three dudes. It gets complicated.

Exactly. But it's a father and son. He can fill all the holes. He does bring extra holes though, so it ends up working out. I picture Jesus as a sassy gay best friend, like she's just drinking with him. He's like, honey, he is right for you.

You got to go back to him. And she's like, I don't know, Jaycee. And he's like, you have to listen to me. Do you remember when I said you needed to do soul cycle twice a week and you love soul cycle? And she's like, you're right, Jesus you needed to do soul cycle twice a week and you love soul cycle and she's like you're right Jesus I do love soul cycle Heather do you remember when you were like should I go to clips?

I'd Malibu to rehab or should I listen to this mentally ill woman who's sharing a cot with me in the summer shelter? And I was like honey. I put somebody in your bed for a reason. Hello All right, okay, Jesus Jesus so how are you? Oh well Brian's back in town. Jesus is a sassy gay best friend. Oh and then of course this has one of my favorite lines in the movie. I will never leave you again. The woman who left you for ten years.

To which he responds. I won't let you. And that's basically the closing line of the goddamn movie. Right. You're my property. So you know, I'm going to shackle your ass up now according to that Jesus book. But don't except for, yeah, it's not quite over yet, is it? Right. Because then there is a post-credits scene. The movie ends and they're happy. And then there's a post-credits scene where she tries to cook and it's spaghetti and meat balls Because that godless heathen woman made him eat a rug lunch go fuck yourself Me and while we we pan out in Katie's in the corner like fucking wrists slit just outside looking in the window

You know just twisting a rabbit's neck While country strong plays in the window, you know? Just twisting a rabbit's neck. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. While country strong plays in the background. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my god. So I want to ask you guys the same thing that I was asking myself as this flick ended. What the fuck just happened? Yeah.

Oh, who the fuck knows? This was like someone at Lionsgate's crazy Christian brother. Like finally at Thanksgiving was like, I've got a movie idea for you Manage just year after year is like you gotta listen finally was like you know what Dave great. Let's do it What's your movie? It's about a man who owns his wife and even though she leaves for 10 years he takes her back Sure Dave what a great fucking idea and he just sarcastically produced that entire movie at Lionsgate

He was like oh, we just did Batman begins. So you know what's next to the boner roster? No way wrong. A story about a couple that gets back together for no fucking reason. Are you having a good time, Dave? Oh, look at me renting cameras. My man, he's just slapping his hands on the computer. He's like, what was the message, though?

What was the moral of the story? Who is this movie for? Here's the thing that's really scary to me. I think that especially now that we're seeing the people who are so excited about Donald Trump as a real candidate. I think that there are so many people who would like this movie and believe in the themes of this movie and want to give hard earned money to the evangelist, to the Republican party, to whomever that is. I think there are so many more people than I could possibly imagine. That's who the movie is for. That's who believes it.

That's who believe it. Women as fucking hell. Yes, it is. Women who actually are buying into this bullshit and believing it. I mean, part of me in a way is actually a little bit glad this movie's out there. It's such a bad fucking movie that maybe someone who's on the border of like, should I do this would be like, oh my god, this movie's so bad. Yeah. I told you, you know what? I'm going to go back to Satanism.

I'm exactly like this. I'm gonna go back to Satanism I This movie serves a dual evil purpose See I don't think this movie is aimed at men to take their wives back I think this movie is aimed at Christian women to take their abusive Alcoholic husbands back. Yes based on the idea that Jesus changes them and then it reinforces that message with the and it doesn't fucking matter because once you're married You own he owns you Oh, that's really Wow, that's disturbingly probably correct

That is the message because so they make it a what it's like they did in fireproof in fireproof They made it the mother who used it on him because it's weird for a man to have been abusive to his wife But for a wife to have been abusive to his husband because we don't like we don't culturally accept that as a real thing Even though it's incredibly real and problematic. We don't culturally accept it. So it's like oh, okay Whatever but what they're trying to do is they're trying to take that sort of reverse of the situation and they're taking women with like Broken wrists and stuff. It's just like oh no, he went to Bible study this week and it's like, it is and I have to submit to him. So, you know, that's what this movie is trying to do. Yeah. That was the major theme I picked up was God hates the breach of legally binding

rape contracts. That was pretty much. Yes. More importantly, though, we do get a good test to see if you're ready for marriage. For women, would you honor a rape contract with this man and for men, would you waive a rape contract with this woman? It's a good test. That's so fucked up. Alright, now that we're all good and depressed as hell, Meg, we kind of like to avoid thumbs-up, thumbs down type rating systems on the Gamcast. So instead of asking how many stars you would give this or something like this, I want

to ask you, what's the most adorable thing that you would murder with a spoon rather than watch this movie again? Oh my God, I'm probably an Ewok. See, I would do that just because they fucked up that movie for me, but okay, alright. I thought that movie when I was young enough that I loved the Ewok. I was just old enough to be disappointed by my movie. I was just old enough to go, wait a minute, the goddamn Empire gets taken down by Teddy bears. What the fuck did I just pay for? I'm not mad at that.

I'm from 1987, I thought it was great. I was young enough. Well, that's a thing. I was young enough to be like holy fuck, Teddy bears can take down the Empire. I can't fucking anything. Well dude, when the one teddy bear dies, that was a major turning point in my life. It was, when he's like, oh, I was like,

oh, oh, so the teddy bear goes down then all these motherfuckers better go down. I remember a desire for vengeance in my eight year old body just being like, well then some motherfuckers gotta get taken out. Good, a whole spaceship full of people gets blown up. Great, I'm glad they killed a teddy bear. I liked that teddy bear.

I had problems with the taunt on Dianne. I'll admit, I was a little younger on that one. Does that mean that someone somewhere out there, life jarger being? So, wow, there's so kids somewhere. That's quite a frightening. So wow, that's pretty terrifying. That's quite a frightening thought. That's actually more frightening than the whole rape contract thing.

Well, Meg, congratulations. You made it through the whole fucking thing with us. Thanks, guys. If our audience wants to hear more from you, wants to see more of your work, where could they go? Well, I have a YouTube page that's like dot meg Griffiths, I think, and I have a website, mega Griffiths.com that has all of my videos and the days that I perform in New York, I perform live improv

every Saturday night with a very, very funny improv team at the People's Improv theater. It's called the Baldwin's. And that's how I met Eli, doing improv. Right on. Right on. Awesome. And of course, we'll have all of that linked on the description box for this episode Oh, mag thank you once again for suffering through this with us you guys are hilarious. I do it again for you In Jesus I have a sneaking suspicion. We're not gonna have a lot of two time guests on this show So we may just take you on that Oh my god. And of course, Matt's

going to do it for our review of No Greater Love, but that's not going to do it for this episode because before we go, we're going to take a quick minute to talk about what's up next in a quick preview review. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, we'll be watching the classic 2015 film War Room. And by classic, I mean, it just came out. Yeah, yes, coming out this weekend, actually, that's awesome. Well, I guess by the time everybody hears this, it'll come out, I mean it just came out. Yeah, yes, coming out this weekend actually, that's awesome. Well, I guess by the time everybody hears this, it'll come out last weekend. And I found the preview for this one super interesting,

because I don't know that I've ever seen this before. This preview actually starts with clips from other movies that aren't being previewed. Right, exactly. Just in case you're worried that this movie's not gonna be crazy. You remember this crazy piece of shit We made that on purpose. That's the level of crazy you can come to expect from us By the way, neither of those scenes has any consequence in those two movies. No, the fireproof scene is takes 30 seconds

The majority of fireproof as we learned is about a couple that should get a divorce not getting a divorce is about a couple that should get a divorce, not getting a divorce. Which, if I'm catching the preview right on this one, is exactly what's in store for us in a war room as well. Yes, once again, but however, this time, because, so this is written by the Kendrick brothers, two white guys, and so they thought, what could possibly be more offensive than fireproof, fireproof,proof starring African Americans. Nobody knows the struggle of African American Christian relations like two white middle-aged

men who run a ministry that's been charged with tax fraud. No better knowledge of it. And with that knowledge, this trailer is, I'm going to say the most racist thing I've ever seen my entire life. Because you just have to remember all of these African-American actors are delivering lines written for them by white middle-aged men.

Right. They're gonna say very sinister spin on it. And then of course, the older African-American female character talks in a way that if I were to imitate it right now and someone were to take that clip and use it to charge me with a hate crime, they would be correct. There is no way to imitate this woman's voice for the show or even for this preview of the trailer without committing a serious hate crime, without embarrassing myself and others.

There's no way for me to... People, yeah, no way. When I have this woman talk during our review, I'm going to give her a British accent, so there's no, oh, I say you've got to pray against the devil because I'm not doing it. I'm not, I refuse to talk like this woman because you won't have seen the movie.

You'll be like, oh, Eli's a vicious, vicious racist, and you're wrong. seen the movie. You'll be like, oh, he lies a vicious, vicious race. And you're wrong. I'm not. She talks like that. So I refuse. I will give her any. I'm going to make her talk like Bernie Sanders. She'll have a Jewish accent first. I will not talk like this woman. I draw hard lines on the sand. It's good to know that you're a comedian of integrity, sir. That's right. So I guess. Hash.0 for me.

If you never hear from Ethanathen me again keep in mind we have to watch this one in theaters opening night in south georgia pretty sure we're going to be the only white a theists in the crowd so i mean we're pretty good at holding in a laugh we've had to a number of times before but we are humans yes and i will be watching this at eleven a.m. in the morning at the a.m.c. in the middle of. Oh, if I'm not the only person in there with a homeless guy who's jerking off to the fact that the pictures moved, I will be a maid. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode two to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to Meg Griffiths for joining us tonight and a resounding thanks

to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheists and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematics suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Jaff Sound Mars and was used with permission.

If you'd like what you hear here or more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thank you again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick. I'm No Illusions Promise, and to work hard for another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you. for another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself.

Fuck you.