God Awful Movies - 20: GAM020 Heaven's Door

Episode Date: January 5, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath tackle a movie about little girl who has the ability to cure cancer, AIDS, heart disease, and kidney failure, but instead uses it to cure hamsters with indigestion.  But when her atheist mother finds out, she puts a stop to all this magical altruism in a hurry in Heaven's Door.--- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from them, check out their Facebook page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, The opening line is, what's a POV mean? And man was I disappointed that you soon did not turn out to be what I thought it was. I was like, oh man, I just automatically came. I saw charisma comp at her having a man sign a contract that said POV on it.

And I was already out, I was on my thumb, I was up to the wrist in my own ass and yet it's not what it turned out to be. She's writing a story about a moron who runs a diner. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema and an effort to be as miserable as Christians tell me atheists are supposed to be.

I'm your host Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enrite Heath, so glad you haven't thought better this yet Yeah, I don't really have a choice though because Netflix won't let me watch anything without religion words in the title anyway Try to watch scrubs and it's like you should I want to watch a Kirk Cameron's do you believe in doctors? Watch everything Kevin Sorbos ever done is that no did you mean pray it better? Never done it. No, did you mean pray it better? Exactly. Yeah, I'm sitting 998 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. So good to you to rejoin us sir It's good to be here. I haven't seen you got I haven't talked to you guys since last year. I'll fuck up my own joke

Haven't talked to you and I was like I haven't seen you in a year, but that's yeah, it's well that that too I guess they're all so true Less less funny and that way because it actually probably has been a year since I've seen you so yeah, so that's that's good That's good video on Skype. That's how we'll change it good new year's humor Yeah, all right, we switch the video on and suddenly that joke works. Let's go back and do it again Do a whole bunch of video stuff for this this podcast just a whole bunch of and then she's like do a whole bunch of video stuff for this podcast just a whole bunch and then she's like you guys are missing and i'm doing some hilarious shit over there we can see it on the camera that's why we're laughing and so he tell us what are we gonna be breaking down today sir all right we watched heavens door which is not about sexual assault

no that was really nice change It's a nice change. No, it's about a 12 year old girl who gets Christian sorcery powers, but her fucking muggle atheist mom won't let her cast any spells. And she's kind of frustrating. Yeah, this is basically about how atheism ruins magic, which is kind of like the, you like Bosnian story. Yeah, exactly. Which is kind of like the uh... you like Bosnix story yeah ha ha ha

ooo so tell me how bad was this movie this movie was surprisingly bad fun amounts of bad because when i chose this movie last week i was like look we just finished loving the bad man everyone needs a break that we need a movie that's just kind of crappy that that's got some stuff and we'll make fun of.

But this movie had some surprisingly insidious, terrible ideas. It was really, it was fun. It was like the Chinese government. On the outside, I don't know. And then you read anything about them and you're like, whoa, there's a lot of horrible stuff going on there.

That's fun. I didn't know anything about that It was I wrote down sneak up on you crazy. Yeah, cuz it felt like a lot of times like it's just some normal kind of christiany Afterschool special and then there was just oh by the way, this is completely bad shit and saying over here by the way, it's like you're you're fucking someone and then about a third of the way through they ask you to do something way over the line of the first time fucking them like you're like, oh yeah, you like that and they're like cut me face and you're like, oh, That's that's this is our first date. This is our first. We need to there's a whole conversation that happens before this. Well, and the thing is is that like this is like that only she didn't have the face rings to begin with or anything until the war.

Yeah, exactly. Like when you saw the preview for loving the rape daddy or you read that it's synopsis or whatever, you knew you needed to strap in tight. This was gonna be some crazy shit. But with this one, you know you watch the preview and you're going, okay, it's a nice little dead grandpa gives a little girl healing powers movie. And on the scaler shit We watch that's not very crazy. Yeah, but holy shit this movie just made a several left turns in there

Yeah, this this movie was like no, no, no, no, not just this normal like oh daddy gives you crazy powers It's you also can't use those powers on the sinners So can't use those powers on the sinners. For real. I have this feeling constantly with this movie though, and I guess this is just the standards I've gotten to. Like I'm like, oh, oh, look good. They used establishing shots. Well done.

Well done. Yeah, every time the, like, the sound and the picture in movies match up. Now I'm like, what is this? The future. I can play a game in clean chat and touch it. Anything not shut on an iPhone camera is fucking avatar to me at this point. Well, you know, and when you told me

the plot of this movie, when I saw the preview and everything, I would have radically underestimated the body count. This movie takes place during some kind of, they never really talk about it, but it takes place during like the pre-Zombie plague or something because everyone in this fucking movie is dad or dying Oh, well not only is everyone in this movie dead or dying, but this movie I think wins the award for least knowledge about medicine Yeah, this movie there I I don't want to spoil it, but there is a character

Everyone reacts to the condition of asthma in this movie like it is the black lo. Oh yes. Every single character goes like, oh, asthma, how long does he have? Forever. Yes, fucking forever. He needs to carry a nerd inhaler with him for the rest of his life. He's going to ruin all the weed smoking sessions in high school Man, I don't want to get out the vaporizer. I have asthma fine. Okay. I'm gonna wait for this thing to heat up. All right, well obviously we can't be done until we get started. So in an effort to hasten this along, we'll pause for a quick break. But on the other side of that, we'll find a doorway to heaven and leave a flaming bag a shit in front of it. Before we begin the episode today, I wanted to tell you guys a story.

When I was 20 years old, I gave up on my dream. You see, I just got in back from London, and the job I'd been doing all through college offered me a full-time position for full-time money at the exact same time as a small off-broadway production offered me a tiny part as comic relief in the show that was only going to run for a month and a half. And so I took the money. And until this year, I had always sort of told myself in the back of my hand that I had made my choice and I had had my shot, I chose the short dollar, and what I got to be now

was the funniest guy at the office. I had made my bed, it was time to sleep in it. I lost that job this year year and I lost it with less than a month's worth of notice. Now I should point out it wasn't the company's fault, things moved in the way they couldn't predict and if they could have kept me they would have, but it wasn't in the card. So for the first time since I was 15 years old, I didn't have a job. Now I'm recording this little segment without no end heath. We usually do the interstitials together, but I'm recording it without them, because if I record it with them, they're gonna hem and haunt and say, you know, I deserve

everything I got, because that's the fantastic fucking humans they are. But the truth of the matter is, I really wasn't on scathing atheists that often. When we came up with the idea for this show, I would come on, you know, once a month to talk about movies, and we had talked about this show as an idea, you know, we got in a few tweets from people who thought I didn't suck, but mostly scathing atheist was a chance for me to talk to two of the funniest people I knew who somehow thought I was worth their time. I mean, I counted down the days in the month or every couple of months that I got to do a movie review, but it certainly wasn't something I thought I deserved to, or ever would get to be a

regular part of. But with a looming chance for no job, no rent, and the very real possibility that I didn't know where my life was going, we gave it a shot. It was no as idea to his credit. He said, look, look, we'll create the Patreon for the show, and we'll put it out on Twitter, we'll see what people say. And I honestly bought them, my heart expected us to raise,

you know, $12, 10 of which were from my mother, and then the other two from the people who thought it might be fun to hear me once in a while. But the show got funded in three days, and has continued to grow since then. I am amazed each week when we look at our numbers and our views, and I have seen near constant growth almost double where we started. I am in absolute all So I'm recording this on New Year's Eve just after midnight actually to thank you To thank every single person who makes this show possible with your listens and your support

For the first time in my life all I do for a living is be funny. And while I know not everyone can do the monetary support thing, if you are listening to this, you should know that you are incredibly important. And because of you, this year, 2016 is the first year for what I do for a living is what I've wanted to do since I was three years old. So whether you're already a Patreon donor or you're planning on being one as soon as your Christmas bonus kicks in or maybe you just listen to this show and tell your friends

and it makes your day better and you know, tweet when it makes you laugh and you tweet your favorite sections. You are what I'm grateful for this year. You and these God awful movies. And we're back for the breakdown, but before we can get to the credits, the writer has to murder somebody, so we're gonna open up on our heroine.

It's the cold open. Right, right? Someone dies within seconds of the opening of this film. Yeah, if you like, we're late to this movie, you missed the murder. Yeah, right. You we're late to this movie you missed the murder You know, you missed the first one anyway, they're all mispreviews. Yeah, and the grip on dice Fuck how long was they late? Oh 30 seconds. You were 30 seconds late in this film. Yeah, right So we open up on young Riley and her grandpa the fat Marbrow man and their plans soccer and he just don't get it

And I we're gonna come back to this several times I'm sure but the there is no Too cheesy setting on this writer's brain, okay? There is like dad a grandpa says the word gump shan within the first minute of this goddamn movie This whole movie is a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting like you know how you want to punch a baby when you watch Norman Rockwell because it's like oh look this kid in this puppy you're going down the road to buy themselves a check all filled with like reading Betty Tate's Ian Tibb except there's a psychotic god in charge of it well right you it's like Norman Rockwell

but the dog is dead you know he's taking his dead dog to the vet. It's terrible and also it's so it's so cheesy and every part of it is just so there's so much like meh you know one of the things I've said this before is one of the things I hate most about like American films and this is this is an American film problem but it's especially a Christian movie problem is the like there's a simple girl bogeys solution to everything and that's what this entire fucking movie is is like if you've got a catchphrase and a smile then you can wink your way to a sandwich like I'm talking about it's just because you're saying it out of an

old mouth doesn't mean it's not fucking nonsense right that is where this movie begins ends and everything in between. Right, right. The message of the movie is if you have a little faith and a little elbow grease, that'll do the trick. But then of course you also, a magic powers come in handy from time to time. And also a portal gun that leads you to heaven. That's also good too. And by the way, the dying words from the grandfather while he's standing in front of his young 12 year old granddaughter. He says Well, ain't that funny. Yeah, he grabs his chest. He says well, ain't that funny and then he dies right I'm gonna convulse to death right in front of you now, but trust me you are gonna laugh about

Just just watch me die. This is gonna be funny though, and he also had one of those heart attacks where you grab your heart. Right. And, Terry is some... What part of me is dying? This one right here. Good old fash. That's the way they died in the old days. You pointed to the party that was dying and you just went.

And you said something grandpa-y and then... I wanted this cut to be slightly longer and just it pans down to him like Convulsing on the ground and shitting his pants and her being like whoa not so funny grandpa Not so funny him saying the name of a woman who's not the grandma right Neighbor who is always you able gonna skip that and that's another funny thing about this yeah, right There's another funny thing about this. Yeah, right. This is another funny thing about this movie though. Okay, so the very opening sequence we get is

12 year old girl watching, in a park by herself watching Grandpa die, we will never address the psychological trauma that that would almost certainly entail, right? We're never gonna like be with her therapist or anything. No one's ever gonna sit down with the little girls and say, it must have been really rough on you to just be talking to Grandpa when he suddenly died.

Everybody's just like, you over that dead grandpa thing yet? No? And she appears to be. She's pretty fine for other estimate. She looks at pictures and she's sad, but she's never like, yeah, man, that was really hard for me. She's just always like, yeah, I guess it was a bummer.

Yeah. Anyway, so now we're gonna jump straight to the funeral. And we're gonna squeeze as much exposition into the funeral just wrapped up. We're gonna squeeze more exposition between the funeral and the fucking car than most movies have. Right. And grandma, we meet grandma in the scene. Grandma looks exactly like Cruella Deville. He was like 101 donations cartoon. It's Cruella Deville. Other image, if you've ever accidentally

clicked on gilf porn, that's what grandma is like. Yeah. Like my hair is short. That's why I'm getting fucked by a 19 year old. No, that's not I don't know why you Qualified that with actively but fine And yeah, exactly or in my case if you purposely subscribe to that website. Yeah, right Well, if they take 40 to 999 out of your credit card every single month You know, oh right on right on I get it for 39 Um, and I love that basically grandma's first line is boy I sure hope my husband isn't burning in hell you know because he'd never

could find his way to see I didn't think that was burning in hell I thought that was like man just can't find their way to have it like a cutesy like I hope he doesn't get lost and end up in a daydream or in candy land or poop film or anything else that doesn't exist it's just such a it begins where they going, I hope he doesn't get lost and I'm like, what the fuck? The entire mythology of this movie is just like, BOOBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEEBEE and they're like you're cranky, you're mean. Right. You're just mad because your baby died. Yes, apparently she is. So in this scene, we also meet mom and dad who are estranged.

Mom is TV's very own charisma carpenter. Yeah, Cordelia from Buffy. Why? I love Cordelia. In this fucking movie. I mean, I didn't love her in this movie. It's like she was the only thing that I could cling to in this movie. Looking at her fantastic well also through most of the movie she's the one

going okay this is bullshit though you know that right also this this is pointed out by someone on twitter but this is the uh second of the moms in a row we've had that uh is naked on the internet if we want to it's more than the second. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, she looks like she was 50-50 on stripper or trophy wife and she just barely chose trophy wife. She's not very happy about it. She's mad at Dean Cain for taking away the prime years of her stripper career.

Up there. We're about to meet Dean Cain, by the way, he's her husband. Yeah, Superman, that whole show is up. Yeah, and okay, so apparently what this family does after a funeral is everybody Individually argues you know, just pair up and argue at the funeral So first we get Mom arguing with dad and then we get mom arguing with grandma And the dad argument is just the most perfunctory. We're separated. Oh, yeah, well, we're gonna be divorced

You're gonna be divorced. Sorry. gonna be divorced, sorry, yeah. We were married for 12 years. We have two children, my name is Team K. We lost one of them, yeah. Exactly, one of them died. You shouldn't have smoked so much. I wrote down that this funeral fight is borderline inappropriate.

It's borderline. Dean Kain, he almost yells at this funeral just because you can't bear a child and he stops the Label I wanted them to get shushed by the next funeral over like this panel I'm gonna go It just hands over to a Jewish funeral. Okay, we don't do this at all So if you could maybe I don't know go back to your house and have some ham and some cheese And let us do it. You jet thiles do.

So yeah, we learn that they are getting a divorce because they lost the baby because in Christian movie universe, whenever you lose a baby, you immediately break up with the person that puts that baby in you. Or you live for the next 40 years in abject misery. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So then we cut to the town of Vineyard where we are going to find some more exposition.

So now we get the little girl and she's walking around with this little soulless ginger kid that's gonna be trying to get in her pants, the whole movie. Yeah, if you're wondering what the ginger kid looks like, you remember that YouTube video ginger has souls? That's him. That's him. It's just him before he decided to make his own content.

And now we know what he's so angry about. Yeah, clearly. Good amount of chunk from the goonies too. Exactly. Right. He's just basically walking down the road with her going like, so I heard your dad move out. Has that been tough?

I heard your grandpa died as well. No, that's not true. He's not that big of a fool. I heard you got died as well Oh I heard you got touched at camp but you weren't the first person's choice And by the way, I should point out the main character of this movie the little girl looks like a pedophile second choice That's why she looks like like he was trolling around the playground and all the cool kids were like Yeah, no, I'm not getting in your car And she was like I'll get in your car and you're like fine fine

I've got a puppy So yeah, so like the daughter goes home to bitch at mom for not loving her father enough um, and the mom is just like The lines that they give the mom it's clear that the person writing this movie has no idea why people would get divorced yet because when she asked the mom she's like oh you know it's things and stuff you know because you wouldn't understand and then she's like well dad says it's your

fault and it's like oh well dad's just throwing some shade on his side of this divorce isn't he? Dad says it's because when you used to put your finger in his butthole he would say men's names is that what it is? It's your fault. But immediately we got the whole save the marriage it's drowning motius which is the Christian movie bingo. You got a second stamp. We're 30 seconds into this movie. You've already got two stamps, right? So then we cut to her So we cut to the bedroom Right the little girls in bed and the one saving grace of this movie. There's a pug

Yeah, but it dies. I just Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh- boiler alarm that is that I was waiting to save that for later To prove how terrible the fucking movie is There's even let the pug live through there. There is a pug in this film So and by the way if you're wondering hey is everyone in this movie such a terrible actor that the pug steals focus Every time it's in shot. Yes, it does. There's a scene where the pug goes and hides behind a chair Yeah, I didn't hear anything anyone said I was like looking in behind their chair Someone's like I was raped no, no, you're interrupting the pug at one point someone stood in front of the pug and I shot the TV like fucking He was the he was the best actor in the film. Yeah, and the the discussion

So so what's going on here now the little girls asleep and mom and grandma come into the room to talk her in or whatever And they decide to sit there and have a whisper conversation in her bedroom while she's sleeping right and the whisper Conversation is about how the kids need them some Jesus now that grandpa's dead. Well, wait their neighbor brought by a Jesus pamper Right, yeah, she hit, hey, she brought this. I think it might help the kids, but she doesn't have the brains that God gave a Berkaburk or whatever, she's used to some down home. So she's like, oh, our retard neighbor brought her mythos.

Oh, good. Do you want some mythology right now? I hear this helps when people die. Yeah, she's like, now I'm vulnerable. I mean, I mean in need. Right. I mean, when they help, it helps the people die. Yeah, they're most vulnerable. I mean, I mean, in need. Right. I mean, when they help, it helps the most now. It's a coincidence. Also, and then, okay, so while we're having this conversation, we hear little brother Morgan in the background coughing like he just got out of the goddamn coal mines in 1844. He coughculosis costs one time did that sound like

mesothelioma check the asbestos and this is where we get one of my favorite lines in the movie where she says because she's like trying to convince her not to get a divorce and she says divorce divorce is like death really. Yes. Divorces like a death. Divorces like a death. Those words were actually written in the fucking script. Yep, and so I just as a moment, I wanted to take a moment, I did write down

a couple of ways that divorce is like a death, just so people know. Divorces like a death, sometimes it's for the best. Divorces like a death, when it happens to a death sometimes it's for the best Divorces like a death when it happens to a baby it's sad and confusing Divorces like a death you get to start fucking other people and you get in trouble if you fuck the same person Here you go, I fixed it. I fixed it. Well, that's what grandma was talking about. I got it I gotta say honestly when that when that happened I paused the fucking movie I ran into my one to the bedroom. I told my wife. I'm like I am seven minutes into this fucking movie and the lady just said I Quote

Devourses like that What the fuck So that we get the the saying goodbye to grandma scene where the where the grandma makes an ass joke about how her ass isn't big enough to fit and grandpa's clap that he left in the car and she also Almost commits vehicular manslaughter and doesn't even Deliver you know this guy walks like he's a cartoon barrel. Yes.

And by the way, he is one of four retarded characters that we will meet, very clearly, mentally handicapped characters that we will meet in this movie, because everyone except for the core cast is handicapped, mentally handicapped. Okay, but everyone else in the movie is like, well, how come your head ain't made out of no wood? Well, and I wanna point out that all of these

completely retarded, because they were going for stupid, I don't think they were going for mentally handicapped, but whoever wrote this thing doesn't know the difference. And every one of these retarded characters are fat. Every fat person in this movie is just drooling on them. So we're going to be on. Drooling more on who doesn't know how things work. Like there's a point where she's like, do you have a pen?

And he's like, no, what's a pen? And she's like, it's behind your ear. And he's like, oh, what are these right over there? And we're not exactly like, there it is right over there. That's the type of line they're giving these guys. It should barely touch his pen because she might catch the downs She's pretty good. Yeah, I wanted when he turned around to leave for his pants just to be filled with shit Like you just see it slowly seeping down the back of his leg

And what we're supposed to get from this scene other than fat people are stupid is that there's a guy named Mitch Who wants in mom's panties and sent flowers. Yeah, exactly. And because and Mitch wants her to work for his newspaper, newspaper? Yeah, it's never super clear. It's a newspaper, but it only reports on stupid terrible shit. Yes, it's the local paper.

It's the nobody gives a fuck weekly. But he's that thing. But he pursues her like it's a hostile takeover in Tokyo. Yeah, right. Right. Now, but he wants you to come over for him. But I think he clearly wants to fuck her too. Very much so. This is also the scene where we find out that Tommy Dwayne

tiny Lister, Devo Philadelphia. He's fucking movie. Yeah. And he's Batman. Was he in Batman? Yeah, he's the guy on the boat who comes up to it. Oh, okay, yeah, right. You're gonna be the remote. You're not gonna do what needs to be done and the guy in the white guy.

Yeah, I pooped. That's it. Yeah. In the part of that movie where it all completely fell apart and he's also in green mile He's the guy who's the prisoner who has the pet mouse No, he's also in Shawshank Redemption. He's the friend He's also in the matrix guy who offers in the two pills.

I he's also in the drunken master. He's the young guy who gets drunk and learns Kung Fu better. Oh, yes, he's really better. Right. A lot of range that D bow cliffhux on the Cosby show. Yeah. So anyway, he was just a rain. I'm going to stay. Come on. Am I writing in the internet? Not so much no so okay, so Debo's job in this movie is gonna be to sit on his porch Which is apparently across the street from the house with a little girl and her family lives with a baseball bat looking Angry yeah, which nobody in this movie reacts to normally no one's like hey is that neighbor threatening us? Everyone's just like yep good old mr. Nextor. He just loves to sit on his porch with a bat threatening violence

Clearly clearly threatening violence and this is he's supposed to be a blind person, right? Mostly all this one percent vision. Yeah, he's holding a baseball bat and watching across the street menacingly. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but neither of those things are an appropriate activity for a blind person. I wanted him to be facing the wrong direction like his rocking chair facing the house being black. I'm watching you. No, you literally aren't.

No, all right. So then we cut over to, okay, so we find out too, by the way, in this scene that mom is working for Mitch at the, nobody gives a shit weekly and doesn't want her husband, her estranged husband to know because she asked the daughter, don't tell dad that I'm working for Mitch. Right. Which, I would have pointed out, there is point at which mitch becomes a bad guy in this movie but for the first three quarters of this movie mitch behaves perfectly fine mitches obby he wants to fuck charisma what's

her name but everyone wants i want to fuck charisma what's your name is not you can't blame him and she's separated is nothing wrong with him but he break up the marriage ready to break up the marriage and also he never does anything inappropriate. He never let trash to kiss her and she doesn't want him to. He like gives her a bonus and buys her a computer and offers her a job and compliments her and is nice to her and makes it very clear that he's interested in her romantically. Until later in this movie, we have no reason to hate this character, but then everyone in this movie acts as though he's just like the town rapist, and everyone's okay with it.

Right, right, and I think it's important to point out here too, because when I saw this originally, and it's like the mom saying to the little girl, hey, don't tell dad that I work for Mitch, my first thought is dad doesn't, you know, I don't want dad to know that I'm like moving around with this guy who is a single guy, and obviously would want to fuck me. But as we later find out, the real problem here, the real issue is that mom doesn't want dad to know that she has a job because Christian women are supposed to stay at home. Right. And Dean Kane in this movie behaves incredibly

abusively. In fact, I will point out between the two characters' behaviors, as we will see, Mitch, while he is certainly ambitious and a little bit of a jerk does not behave as badly as Dean Kane's character does. No. Dean Kane character is a psychopathic stalker who wants to prevent his wife from having a job. Mitch is a very ambitious local newspaper guy who recognizes her talents and wants her to use them.

Right. Yeah, exactly. But we get to the office and they have... nobody's as good at writing newspaper articles is you i tried to hire the school janitor because i'm a moron and he's fat so you know he's gonna be an idiot so exactly in this fucking movie you can't have like you know wait and an iq and so they're trying to figure out what she's gonna write about. He says, how about a piece on the local soccer league? How fascinating could that be? But he's talking like he's Jay Jonah Jamison

of Roy, all around the whole time, where the fuck they are. He's going, great, oh, we're in a story. It's a human interest though. Football teams, no good. What about the soccer team? We need a big scoop. We need a big scoop.

How about like, how about kids running around big scoop. We need a big scoop. Top of the leg columns about that. How about kids running around in a field? It's so great. Yeah, yeah. I have expected in the way they were building this character for him to just lean out the door, shoot somebody. He says, no, you got a story. Go cover that.

Go, go, go. It's OK. I stood my ground. He was black. He was brandishing. No, it was very realistic looking rake that guy was holding. Did you see how he was running away like that?

That was terrifying. Exactly. He was, yeah, exactly. He kept getting smaller on me. It freaked me out. So then we got a cut to, you know, and again, like I have trouble with the themes in these movies because they're so far removed from my real life.

But the next scene we get basically is the mom hiring a babysitter who's on meth and how the smoke and hot met the babysitter. Oh yeah yeah I like to her quite a bit. It's super cute. Even if you had to like even if you went out with her and she took the weird ghost child with her too. Yeah it would be worth it. This is where we learn. Now is babysitter Katie Katie is little ghost child. Is babysitter Katie's mom or big sister. I don't find out until they mentioned it at the very end of the movie that she's the big

sister yeah so Katie is the little sister and she practically is wearing a sandwich board sign that says I have cancer yes they put so much makeup under her eyes you think she was in a throated porn By the way, she looks like a trans nine-year-old column if you're wondering Looks like a perfect round head Looks a little bit like Jared leto in Dallas buyers club, too Little bit like a precarious prince or over to baby said she's like oh hey, and this is my little sister She's one of the grays from area 51 So then we have this weird moment between the babysitter where the babysitter comes in does not introduce herself to the children

She introduces herself to the dog. Yeah, she goes and who's this and I was I wrote my notes. That's the dog That Yeah, uh-huh. She goes, and who's this? And I was, I wrote my notes, that's the dog, that's who that is. You don't need to be introduced. Yeah, yeah, but now, Riley, the 12-year-old that this movie is going to center around us two-old for a babysitter, so she doesn't like this bullshit. And hey, if she doesn't want the babysitter, I'll take her yeah, no shit. I need to be changed Have a weird sex life people Now we cut to the soccer game right and mom is writing her story about the soccer game First of all their team is getting fucking killed the their team is getting fucking killed. Well, they're getting killed because they're goalie.

Every time a goal is scored, no matter what happens, the goalie throws himself on the ground in a seemingly random direction. Yeah. It has nothing to do with what's going on. They obviously were like, you're gonna try and dive and catch the ball,

but he was just like, so it looks like they hired an epileptic goalie. It's just like every time it gets excited that the ball comes his way, he goes down. Oh, you're brave. So during this sequence where the team's getting fucking shellac 20 to nothing, we also get the voiceover of mom writing her story about the soccer game. And it sounds like it sounds like something that a 14 year old girl that you were in the friend zone with

and trying to fuck would read you. Yeah, exactly. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Yeah, the only thing that was good was a direct lift from Dickens. Yeah, exactly. She takes the direct lift from Dickens, but she obviously doesn't understand it, because she's applying it to a children's soccer game. It's nothing like a tale of two cities. It was neither the best nor the worst. I thought she stole that from from CJ whirlman's book about the French Revolution.

What's that all about? Two out of the last three weeks, CJ, take that bitch. Exactly. But apparently this is because this is one of those situations, you get this all the time in movies and drives me nuts Where you have a very mediocre writer, but it's pivotal to the plot that someone writes something brilliant Right, but you have a mediocre writer writing it. So this is what a mediocre writer thinks is a brilliant story Right today's children's side. They steal the only line from great literature. They know and they apply it to whatever it is they're talking about even though the author of this movie definitely hasn't read a tale of two cities a tale of two cities makes no fucking sense in the

in the context of a child soccer game it's like when you're online and someone's like well we're just a moments away from an orwellian future and it's like oh you like 1984 what's your favorite part the part where I get to say or well you know I read that book you should read that book it's about people like you okay yeah I just don't want gay people to be able to make me make me make it yeah it's nothing nothing like that no it's by Georgia wellian cool yeah that's the way I would like to put a cage on your head with rats in it though I can't mind that's that's the way well, you know, well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, you're well, well, you're well, you're well, you're I wrote in my notes, if the author of this movie can tell me anything else about that novel, I'll insert it into me sideways. So now we're going to cut over to Riley hanging out with the soulless ginger and talking

about how crappy they are at soccer. And there's this very weird moment. He goes, Oh, it was terrible. We got to learn to play dirty like that other kid. And I wanted to flash cut to that other kid just like blow in the ref. Or like shaking someone. Like, I really, I'm genuinely curious.

What was that other kid on a soccer team doing? They don't really go into that at all. You see him just tipping the other players. Right. Sweep the leg, Johnny. team doing don't they don't really go into that at all. You see him just tipping the other players like, right? Sweep the leg, Johnny. And then we get get her practicing and we can see why their soccer team sucks because apparently they practice in a way that has nothing whatsoever to do with getting better at

soccer. Yeah, I have no idea what these people think soccer is. She's setting up a life-size, foosball game with cardboard boxes and a pole, I want to grandpa's ghost to just show up like Mickey from right. All right, now kill this chicken with a soccer ball. Right. Nothing related to soccer.

Get out of a bitch because grandpa loves ya. Yeah. And they cut to him having a platitude talk with her. Yeah, a little CP of last back. You're not trying to learn soccer by yourself, are you? Well, I don't have anyone to teach me. Well, then you got to learn it by yourself. Grandpa, you're the worst. I'm going to die soon. Good. This is where he actually, and I wrote this in my notes, this is where he actually and i wrote this in my notes this is where you actually use the line welcome on our ily you got more gumption than that

two gump shins fifteen minutes in this movie double the gumption oh my fucking god yeah so now we go visit dad who's a mechanic and not a rapist yeah straight enough or actually that we know of we have to clarify that yeah that written i literally wrote down Dean Kane is a mechanic rapist. Sorry, just a mechanic. I wanted the boss from yelling garage to come in. Hey, you better get that car. I'm still mind I own this place. I'll see you outside to beat

me up later. But instead we get stupid Wally who shows up and this is the second time we've met an overweight character that you know I like actually has like you know whatever pieces of their brain missing. Yeah, this guy looks like a dick Tracy bad guy He really doesn't even make a movie as the movie goes along. Yeah, he looks like the word cancer came to life He looks like a tumor. And what did it, is it just me or did everyone get a different decade of dialogue or a dialect to work with? You know, they're like, okay, you're from the 20s, you're from the 1870s, you're gonna be from 1940s,

you're from the future. And what they're wearing because Wally is dressed like a, like a 1920s hobo, he's got like, like a cartoon big tie, is he's like a grapes20s hobo. He's got like a cartoon big tie. He's like a grapes of wrath fucking yeah. It's a landowner. Yeah. So now this is where Leo Leo is Dean Kane. That's the dad. This is where he finds out that his wife is working at the courier from dumb Wally. Because Wally says Mitch was hotter for her to work for him than July. And I And I was like, I'm with it, Juzelike. Jeff Fule doesn't burn that half-talking about.

Talk to me. That little girl is a crisis actor. I get it, I'm with you. Tell me the real message of this movie. Tell me the real message of this movie. The real message of this movie is, Hey Leo, your wife's fucking Mitch signed Wally. She is reporting the shit out of that guy Mitch over there.

Yeah. Brogossip at the mechanic. Yeah, so and then we go to and this is apparently like the pivotal scene in the whole fucking movie. So we go to the Jesus tree here, whatever, there's a big tree. It's not Jesus tree. Yeah, it's just a, it's just a world's tallest tree. Yeah, exactly. It's just a giant tree that we always look at starting from the top. Every time you see this tree

in the movie, it starts at the top of the tree and pans down. We do that like 11 times. And the the little girl is again practicing soccer in a way that does not help you with soccer. She's trying to learn to juggle by kicking the ball behind her. The ball is harder. She can't do it. She's practicing the straight up in the air punt. A lot of herories do that. I was a golly. We have use. You catch it back again and then you can keep doing that.

Wow. And this is a great, this is probably the quintessential example by the way of the pug steel in the scene there. Because I was totally, they have a little girl. She kicks the ball into the tree. And she's climbing up and there's ominous tree climbing music and you know shits about to go down I'm more worried about her falling on the pug than her I was like oh my gosh pug back away. Yeah

That little girl. Die is got intended The pug is parking at her and I wanted so badly for there'd be subtitles and the pug being like what the fuck are you doing? Get a new ball asshole subtitles and the pug being like, what the fuck are you doing? Get a new ball asshole. And the music you're like, if the tree was raping her in this scene, the music would be appropriate. Yeah, exactly. The people who did evil dead would have been like, little much, little much. Sounds like a string symphony is raping her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And also, there's this great moment where she's about to fall. And the pug looks in her and the pug's like great Now you're gonna have a chair and you're gonna pet too hard here. We go I love you Just get a new ball And that's where it looks like it's going because she scream falls but luckily She night crawlers her way safely to the ground. I said she portal gunned her way out of the tree.

Yeah, right. I'm blue. Pretty sure. Yeah. Ghost grandpa saves her with his Spider-Man power, because apparently everybody gets one. Actually, we're going to find out later. It wasn't grandpa. Oh, it's just going to say, or is it?

Yeah, or is it grandpa? Yeah, but at any rate. Spoilers. No, it's biic. So she falls and she falls and she literally like she it's like a night crawler teleport. She just bamps out of the top of the tree and then falls on the bottom of the tree, which which is like because she still falls for like the last two feet. So that would be like somebody caught her and then just tossed her under the tractor. Listen, we don't want to go too easy on you. Yeah. Exactly.

Why wouldn't you just lower me down? And it's not how heaven works, kid. Boom. As we will learn. So now we cut to the doctor. And this is the only doctor in town. Yes. Dr. Reddenbacher.

Yes. And Dr. Reddenbacher informs charisma carpenter that her son, the one who doesn't speak the mute son has asthma like he's giving an AIDS diagnosis. I wrote it down on like the mom reacts like this is an STD she's like he's four years old he's not even sexually active yet how could he have asthma? she wants to enact the singer lemon law she's like so do I do it? do we put in a bag filled with g? I don't know how this works. Do I just punch him until he stops moving?

I mean, look, I don't want him to suffer. He's an inside out. She reacts to this diagnosis. Like he's an inside out baby. Sorry to tell you, man, but your son, he has a paper cut. He's so young, but he's so young. He's only before. Yeah, that's just give him a shot and put him down.

Do you guys even say anything ever? Do we have to bring him home and bury him in the background with a little fake toothpick cross search, a popsicle stick cross. That's it, that's it. So yeah, so he's got asthma and that is the worst thing that's ever happened to these spoiled breads So then we cut back to the house now we've got dad pulling up we get another little

Cp a flashback and everything Apparently when Riley was little girl she lived in a fabric softener commercial When Riley was a little girl she looked like a haunted doll They did not get an attractive child for this scene. So yes So they they he pulls up and he's like having this flashback. We see blindy bow looking for a white man to face rape in the background there. And again, no one addresses it. No one's like really just a guy wandering around with a bat.

Yeah, that's a, that's a strike you guys. It's the first thing I would talk about, but no one in this movie ever addresses it. No. And then we get a little chat with the daughter, and this is the moment in the movie where it really kind of hit home to me that like, okay, we're days from the funeral, from the grandpa's funeral, like the girl was with him when he died, and yet all anybody wants to talk to her about is the divorce. They're like, because dad kind of shows up to lean on her

Hey, you know, I'm having a rough time with this divorce. You think you can give me a little pep talk or something Yeah, exactly It is an 18-second conversation. He's like hey, yeah, it's me your dad So your mom talk about me. No, not really. All right, gotta go about And Right and the movie seems to like lose track of the fact that he's only been there for eight seconds because they act like they've had this big heart to heart. And he's like, yeah, well, I got to get to work.

She's like, did you, did you just come from work and then go back? How much time did you a lot for this? You could have just texted me this. This seems like a text. All right. I wrote in my notes. It was a nice partial minute. We had though.

Right. And then he goes, he goes, uh, and also don't tell your mom. I was here and I was like, ooh, all right. Like why the fuck not? And they pinky swear on that. By the way, we get we spend more time with the logistics of the pinky swear that we do with the heaven. Yeah. Well, that and with the like heart to heart with the daughter, like that shows up in literally sixty percent of the time he spends talking to her as what

there's explaining what pinky swear is mean yeah exactly also she's very skeptical of the pinky swear and that is the only thing she will be skeptical of that whatever that why would you use your small finger oh Oh, yeah, no, I've got magic healing powers in angels around us But why would you use your fingers to make a contract? I think we need to write this out So we end that scene with a big string crescendo dad hog about how you go visit your dad's with go visit your kids without permission to force dad's this movie Right. Yeah, exactly. So then we've got to cut back to okay, and again like my Exactly. So then we've got to cut back to okay, and again like my the place I'm coming from to get to this movie is yeah, so she gets job-raped into this photo shoot and grandma stops by. It doesn't just stop by. She's like also taking the pictures. It makes no fucking sense. Yeah, really fucking weird.

But they had to force fit in this grandma and mom shot. Because she presents her with problem with evil basically. Yeah. She's like, where where was if angels and Old other dimensional gods are just hanging around waiting to help us Where was your guy when I lost my baby? Why didn't it make me better and she's like sheep dip Right what and actual response yes is But it gets even we're there than that because she says sheep dip and then mom Christmas says why

Which is a really weird response to sheep dip and she says for the same reason that Halloween is no fun in a new Nudist colony and I thought about these three sentences for hours I stopped the movie. I'm like I'm looking these up. I'm like does this mean something to someone? I stopped the movie and I'm like I'm looking these up. I'm like does this mean something to someone? Here's the translation and I fuck I was going through this like I was fucking annotating Shakespeare Sheep dip is a swear word which Christians use to mean bullshit Okay, so what she's saying is what you just said is bullshit. That's why charisma says why? Why do you think what I said was bullshit to which she responds for the same reason Halloween is no fun and a nudist colony.

Everything's fun and a nudist colony. Halloween is no fun and a nudist colony because you can't wear costumes because no one wears clothes. Which is such bullshit, by the way, because you can wear an eye patch or a hair thing or a fucking guy falls mask. All of that would be you can still get the candy too the metaphor falls apart but basically trying to live life without god is like trying to be Halloween when you can't wear a costume so the the answer to the problem of evil is bullshit why life is meaningless without God.

Okay, so we're supposed to think of bad stuff when we hear when we're like presented with the mental image of charisma carbon or naked. Right. Okay. Yeah, I totally don't get this fucking. Exactly. You're supposed to be like, oh man, that wouldn't be a fun Halloween at all. What would I do on Halloween with a naked charisma carbon?

Right. I'm not dressed like Shrek. How can I possibly enjoy this? So yeah, so grandma tells you, you know, your baby died and your marriage is falling apart because you're not Christian. The mom leaves her with a very explicit instruction to not tell her kids about this shit. Right. Which by the way, is a real thing and a real problem of, hey, you are my mother. I know you have these beliefs please don't inject them into my children because they can't think about them critically we had and

spoil alert she's gonna do it anyway no she's gonna leave this scene and go directly over to the house to go tell the fucking kids about Jesus and angels and shit your mom doesn't want me to read you from this deep-pock Chopra book but I'm doing it anyways. Anyways, God stands for Jim, Jim genetics over dimensions, I don't know. That sounds pretty deep-uck. So now we cut to the little girl who is, okay, this is another thing that makes absolutely no fucking sense.

We cut to the little girl, she's standing halfway in this wormhole, right? Like she's up in heaven. Yeah, like the top half of her is in heaven, the bottom of a half of her not so much. Now She does this several time. Apparently this is something that she can just do whenever she wants. She seems very uninterested in doing it. Oh, yeah, super late. She's like she just looks up. She's like wow, I'm in heaven. That's weird. Oh, well better go practice some soccer. Right. She comes down and the angels or whatever have done her hair like a prom horror like she's not fucking big curls like someone cornered her at macy's and

was like this is so good for your hair honey believe me you're gonna look a main thing and then she runs into little redhead solus kid and he's like well you look like you got face fucked by an angel and she's like no not never mind science definitely wasn't that was something else fairy dust out of her hair right and tells him that she's gonna quit The soccer team and this little ginger kid looks like he's gonna hang himself over this like the next time We see he's just gonna be sitting in a running car in the garage or whatever's like well now that she doesn't play a fucking Let's his wrist to say something. We cut to mom having lunch with Mitch where he gives her a $200 bonus.

Again, he's him, her employer, she did a good job with her rip off of Dickens story or whatever, perfectly appropriate for him to give her a bonus. Little inappropriate. I feel like to try to fuck a girl that's working for you. I feel like that's probably you know there's no moral is it inappropriate to fuck someone who works for you? I'm kidding you're black. So you're engaged to one of those aren't you? Yeah exactly. But I'm not I never did that. I'm like the the sterling silver kettle calling the pot anyway. So she has a she's she gets her own column.

That kettle was in the matrix. He was the guy that offered the So so Mitch kind of brow beats her into having her own column because he has to brow be her into everything. And again, I could even have half the time I couldn't tell what was going on in this movie because it was all down home Dan, rather euphemisms from start to finish. We're pretty sure that's what was going on. Right. Well, because that he goes, so you know, you and I are on the same team and she's like, I'm on a different team and I'm like, gay stuff? Are they talking about gay? That's the only teams I've ever heard.

He's gay? Yeah, and she's gay. I'm gay. What they were going for in this was, I'm still married, Mitch, I'm not interested in him saying, well, not forever, but that's, again, I'm guessing because they didn't have fucking subtitles to normally human speak in this fucking movie. And then we get my least favorite scene in the fucking movie where dad shows up at her house

A strange dad who doesn't live here anymore Stands on her porch until she gets home so that he can bitch about her for having a job Right very abusive again just to keep it my luck is wrong with this movie This is like if this was the bad guy if this was the guy that at the end of the movie She had to shoot dad I'd be okay with it But this is the good guy in this entire movie we're supposed to be sympathetic to this poor dad who just wants to Fucking beat his wife like the bible tells him to exactly and oh and by the way at some point We're going to he's gonna get very defensive very quickly about get about hitting her

But we'll talk about that He gets very defensive very quickly about getting about hitting her but we'll talk about that right right he gets very defensive very much to volunteer that information he's waiting on the porch for her he's like you didn't tell me you're gonna get a job and she's like we're not married anymore or we're about to not be married anymore I don't have to do that and he's like you know tell me what to do and again just keep in mind compare the two the bad guy quote-unquote in this movie just gave her two hundred dollars and offered her her own column he's about to give her a computer the good guy in this movie stalked her to the front of her porch to scream at her about supporting herself and her children

uh-huh yeah yeah yeah the Christian test audience is definitely weren't happy with Dean Kane having a wife making money They were pretty busy running $200. She might as well fucking with a strap on you guys better Fix their way he can hit her in the mouth, you know Hit her in the mouth man that is coming up a lot that is coming up a lot. Thank you guys so much So so now we go to Mom coming into the daughter's room while she's looking at dad grandpa pictures, which is really the only nod we ever given this movie to the trauma

this little girl's going through. Who is it? And I was like, it's the mail man. Who the fuck do you think it is? Living this house. And then the dog gets off the bed. And again, dog pulls focus hard. Yeah. Pulls focus hard. I'm not 100% sure what they said. I went back and rewatched it, but as the dog gets off the bed, the dog sort of stands on the bed so we get a really centralized shot of the dog's open asshole for like 40 seconds while they're like, I don't know.

I miss grandpa and the dog's just like, Fuuuuuuh. Fuuuuh. Fuuuuh. Fuuuuh. Were you really worth paying attention to that dog? the writers definitely yeah, they were like all right We got to write this dog out of the story. I don't know how we're gonna do that. Yeah, should we know the dog is that good for a movie? I don't know. Yeah, why don't we give the dog asthma?

So and this is where this is to the yeah, okay I know I said this about the last scene, but this is the most offensive scene to me Yeah, okay, I know I said this about the last scene, but this is the most offensive scene to me Where the little girl says to mom she's like grandma came over and talked to us about angels in heaven Now this is like literally like right after we get the scene where the mom's like don't give Mike Don't tell my kids about your wacky fucking crazy religious shit the very thick next thing apparently that grandma did was go Tell their her kids about her wacky religious bullshit there's a scene cut from this movie where grandma gets in her car and she's like don't tell me who not to indoctrinate into my fucking coach you live to be a

bitch up go right now how's it going you guys want to hear about dimensions come on sit on down yeah from the secret and the little girls going i think think grandma's right, I think there is a heaven and the mom says, that's because you're young and don't have your critical thinking faculties completed. And again, and I'm sitting here, I'm beating off to mom at this point,

I'm like, tell her again, mom, tell her again. I'm loving it. Yeah, grandma's going to die soon. So that's why she thinks this. Yeah. You know, that problem will just kind of work itself out. Right. And this is the ontological debate section where she's basically like yeah, I don't believe in that and she's like well I do cuz the other night I had a dream and I wrote oh yeah, the dream will fuck me Thomas Aquinas You're dreaming seem like a dream Oh well in that case let me just change my religion I Didn't realize 12-year-olds could

have dreams. You just blew my asshole out the back of my neck. What was my asshole doing there in the first place? I have no idea. Yeah so the girls arguing with Bob and she goes, could you prove there's no angels though? Can you prove it for sure? Yeah. And mom's like, no, but that's a stupid argument and your grandma's a big fat Liar when she talks about knowing about angels and seeing them. I love that yeah love fucking atheist talk dirty to me some more Tell me who more about Russell's teapot And this is also by the way when we when we find out that Brunswick the dog the pug is also sick and I'm just like I that's what I started writing down.

It's like, everyone in this movie is dying. Was there like nuclear fallout that they're not telling us about? Yeah, exactly. And this is the first time we get this. The little girl, E.T. is the dog to health or something. There's some weird glowing lights. It's kind of a green mile rip off.

Yeah, exactly. And then all of a sudden, the dog who was old and wasn't uh... you know very energetic is now hopping up and running around like a young egg the dog was in the green mile it was the guy who has the mouse and gets executed at the end that's what the dog was all right on right on it is what you do that with white people and black people it's not right this anymore so we go back to the disappearing soccer ball tree. And okay, so there's standing there. She shows the little ginger kid that she can make soccer balls reappear, disappear. This little ginger kid seems to have no

interest whatsoever in like, hey, let's walk through that portal and see what happened. Exactly. She's got a heaven portal. And she's like, oh, I check out this awesome trick with a soccer ball I kick a soccer ball into the head yeah, that's what she does with heaven I don't do it this look I have a portal to the afterlife and when I throw things into it it comes back that's great and that's all she ever does with it now So while they're standing there we hear a car rag now this sounds like a Semi just plowed into a fucking bus or

something like that I mean the use the same fully sounds as left behind it for when the plane hit the gas tank and everything in the airfield exploded yes but what we actually had here was an old man hitting a cat right right there was screeching tires brought by breaking fucking glass you can hear the car roll over several times but when they get there it's just a man who has accidentally run over his own cat right which she miracles back to life he's at which she miracles back to life and he's like oh thank you and she just like okay bye just runs away never reacts to miracles in this movie the way they should everyone

makes the miracles like oh thanks I pretty it's like when someone drops something you're like oh let me get that for you he's like oh I appreciate it that's it that's it now I think this is worth point now too because the movie spends zero time on this 15 minutes ago the girl did not have magic healing powers now she does we really get no explanation there's no moment where she realizes she has these powers or anything she just picks up the the dog and magic some back to life and And seems to know she can do that with the cat and when she does her little ginger friend looks to her and says Are you okay?

Yeah, fucking what? Are you yeah, I think I'm okay, so now she goes into the house and her mom and she has this talk with her mom Which again is so absurd where she's like so you're gonna work every day now seriously like a job I bet they pay you don't they you fucking or And daughter is clearly not happy about this having a job. I like the better wind abusive daddy lived here You didn't work you just stayed home all day Watched my mute brother die of the asthma Rickon Hell the ice over one half of your face and told me not to worry about it Yeah, and apparently when she walks in mom's on the phone with old man Smithers or whatever that who's catch

You just right resurrected and she says why does old man Smithers want to give you $20 Riley now? This should be a serious concern Okay, when you're cute 12 year old daughter comes up old man has been calling saying I really want to give her $20 But I don't want to tell you why That should concern the fuck out of you right there. There should be My eyes and I sucked vegan a's out of a hole. I don't know No, it's worth 20 bucks Someone should tell old man Smithers his miracle whip is spoiled No, it was worth 20 bucks.

Someone should tell Old Man Smithers his miracle whip is spoiled. So mom has a stern talking to with Riley about this. She's like, did you magically heal a cat young lady? Like she's mad at her. And then Riley walks away, walks into the other room where the Asma brother is and Heels the asthma brother and poms like following behind her still mad like I saw that flash of light young lady Did you magically remove your brother's adma? Did you rather magically remove his asthma? We are atheists in this house

We're not magically heal things. We are atheists atheists in this house who not magically he'll think we are eight years that's mom's attitude to this whole fucking the whole movie when it's very clearly decided that she has healing powers mom's attitude is still don't heal people and look i want to take a moment right now to address this if i found out that someone i loved have healing powers i would fucking strap them to a gurney and run them up and down

children's wards at hot yes for the a the rest of this movie would just be me being like yep touch that person and that person and that person we're getting in the car we're driving to all of the hospitals possible i don't know mom what if there are bad consequences not as many consequences as it happens if we let all these people get in the fucking car or i will drag you and drag you back and forth across cancer patients faces why wrote in my notes here i'm like okay she knows she has healing powers now

every scene she does not spend in an oncology word is hit or level evil at this point for the rest of the fucking movie everything she does that is not an oncology word is just evil to the point of unforgivable. And yet this movie does not remotely address that. As a matter of fact, the fucking, the shit she heals is mostly hamsters and people who have vision but not very good vision.

And shit like that, she only goes to one fucking person with a fatal illness, which he has the super magic healing powers. What the fuck is wrong with these people? That didn't even occur to him. They didn't even feel like they had to address that in the script oh she can't heal terminal stuff or something oh they do address it they do address it yes because we're going there's going to be a scene and we'll talk about it there's going to be a scene where someone's like hey here's the real illness can you fix this and she's like mom said I should and the person says like well you got to do what you gotta do.

Oh God, yeah, we'll get to that one. Oh, so she goes to heal her little brother's asthma and her brother is breathing with his asthma like he's in an iron lung. Yeah. He's like, he's like, he's like,

give that kid his puffer, he'll be fine. People with asthma aren't bed ridden in the middle of the day. It's not how asthma works. Well, it's and it also doesn't work where you know little girls touch you and there's a light and it's gone either. I breathe much easier when a little girl's touching me. Don't check my internet history. I love that this is going to be every bit as bad as the rate movie. That's awesome. That one was a good. I thought one was a little bit too tough. I'm gonna listen to this episode of Godopolis for a night.

And then I like it when they crawl inside. I mean, like cotton candy over a paper cut. So then we come back. All right. We get to the entrepreneurial part of this movie. She's become the Peter pop off of local pets. Yes. Yes. Yes, so all the kids are lined up to join her pet healing cult for one dollar a piece.

And apparently, again, there was a fucking, there's nuclear fallout in this town because everybody's pet is dying. Right. There's like 86 kids in line with sickly ass pets, fucking iguana with a nail through his head, dragging a dead dog by the leash or whatever. This is the sickliest goddamn town in America. Right, exactly. And so grandma finds out and she comes in and she's like,

Hey, you can't charge for heavenly gifts. And I wanted so badly just a montage of people who charge for quote unquote heavenly gifts. Just jolos, and and fucking 77 clever, where they were the fucking is. Yeah, right. Oh, I guess you can never mind. You're only charging a dollar. Go for 50.

Go for 50. Yeah, right. Exactly. You're fucking is lowball on yourself. But this is the, this is the universe that this movie lives in. Grandma shows up, finds out that her granddaughter is magically healing pets and her response is you're not allowed to charge for heavenly gifts on and then she leaves right and then uh... before she leaves she throws an anti-ginger hate slur at chunk

for having our share that's important and and she makes them give the money back and this made no sense grandma yells at them she says you can't do that you got him give the money back and this made no sense Grandma yells at them. She says you can't do that. You got to give the money back and chunk has to go He walks out to the line of people that are waiting. They're holding dollars. They're waiting to pay Yeah, and he hands them dollars I had no idea You know, it's funny because as I'm watching that scene I'm like that is the weirdest stupidest thing this movie has done And I probably won't even mention it because it'll be so hard to explain in the show

But yes, she's going like you don't pay back the people who are so refund I haven't paid yet Here's your refund. I'm just super smart as you can tell I'm a little heavy set which means at 18 in this town Well, I grandma just needs to see me given this money to people. You can give it back later if you want your pet healed. Yeah, exactly. And then we get, she's doing her little healing thing and we cut to the baby sitter shows up or whatever while she's mid-healing. And the, she's telling some kid, given somebody dietary recommendations from the jury. Oh, they're gerbil.

Yeah, she's giving, before that, Mitchitch pulls up all right and sees a line of children and automatically a full-grown man takes his phone out of his pocket and starts to videotape children that's creepy from his car you said he doesn't know anything yet then he goes up to a little girl is like hey what's going on and the little girl explains my mom says if my rabbit ships again she's going to kill him. What she said?

That's what she's like. He keeps dropping little pellets around and mom says if he does that again he's going to be real sick and it's cutesy but what that means is her mom's like if I turn I didn't know your pet was going to shit. You better keep that from happening. You better plug up its asshole or else what I'm gonna give him a crunch down Well, but at the same time the real key to this This scene is that you've now got the reporter like questioning a four-year-old girl about what's going on in the neighborhood

And then taking everything she says including magic shit Completely, credulously right. He's's like well that's world-breaking news this little girl thinks that someone's gonna cure her rabbit of shitting So then now we've got it we haven't seen mom being a bitch to Dean Kane yet or grandma rather and we've seen her being a bitch to everybody else So now we have to cut to grandma being a bitch to Dean Kane now I I want to point out, so she's at the shop where where dad works. I want to point out that in the very last scene where we saw grandma, she saw that the little girl has healing powers magical healing powers. That is not what she's come to discuss with dad at all. At all. She's here to talk about charisma, carpenter.

Yeah. And how he needs to save the marriage She's like hey, she doesn't want to talk to you. And he's like why and she's like she's she's scared of you And he instantly is like I never laid a hand on her Yeah Sometimes women fall down and they hit their eye on a thing Whatever happened to innocent the proven guilty when I was a kid my mom made me take diarrhea medicine And you can't prove to me that there's a major okay Dean Dean we were just I just don't want to talk right now what do you I never

touched her left eye her I never touched what did she tell you what exactly did she tell you it's very important then we reinforce the whole fat people can't think right a thing that this movie does. Because when we cut to a mom and she's signing someone up to a contract with the... This is the best opening line to a scene in any Christian movie we have ever seen. The opening line is, what's a POV mean? And man was I disappointed that this scene did not turn out to be what I thought it was. I was like, oh man, I disappointed that this scene did not turn out to be what I thought it was. I was like

I just automatically came. I saw charisma Carisma Carpenter having a man sign a contract that said POV on it and I was already I was already out I was on my thumb. I was up to the wrist in my own ass and yet It's not what it turned out to be. She's writing a story about a moron who runs a diner I want to turn out to be, she's writing a story about a moron who runs a diner. Damn it. By the way, Netflix paused for me right before this, right before Julie's about to explain what POV means. The fuck's paused it for me, it was fantastic.

But yeah, like you said, the answer was not what I was hoping for. A picturing a flat cut of it, it pausing and then while it buffers, you're setting up candles and hitting lotion, kicking Noah and Lucinda out of the house get the fuck out of house get the fuck out of Don't look directly at me. Oh shit nice scene is gonna be so downhill from that moment So so Mitch shows up while she's doing that and they have one of many Conversations that goes like this in the movie your daughter heals animals my daughter doesn't heal animals yes she does why she better stop that I want to do a new story about it yeah no you sure yes positive right a story about your magic

daughter dammit right exactly uh... and he by the way he he comes into her play into this place where she's working and he's like hey i got some uh... videos of your children that i took from my car and how cool let me see there's no moment where she's like why would you just take video of my children it's my daughter in our back you're what you have videos look kids your phone. Why the camera shaking up and down? No, don't worry about the car. The car was bouncy.

It was bumpy. Bumpy cars parked. Oh, there's also a great moment where she goes, hey, I haven't gotten him to sign the contract. She's talking about the stupid guy at the bar. And he's like, oh no, or he'll sign anything. He's handi-capped. He's just, haven't you seen making a murderer? You can just say the same thing at them over and over again. Oh, great, anything. He's handi-capped. Haven't you seen making a murderer?

You can just say the same thing at them over and over again. Every day anything. It's great. So now we get... Mom getting home. The baby's sitter's there. She asked the baby's sitter. Did you give asthma boy his medicine? She's like, yeah, I did, but you know, he seems to be magically healed. Yeah, he doesn't need it anymore.

Apparently, my assessment of his asthma, as a whatever third year college student, yeah, exactly is that he no longer requires medicine. Oh, you mean that the medicine's working? No, no, I think he's cured. He just magically doesn't have asthma anymore. You know that when your asthma's treated, it doesn't mean you don't have asthma.

It just means that you don't have the symptoms anymore. I don't know any of those words mean. I think it was Jesus. I'm pretty sure it was Jesus or Deepak. It was one. And so then mom goes to confront the daughter about all this damn magic animal healing and how she needs to cut it the fuck out.

But first she asks the babysitter, what's going on? She has a question. I heard of rumor, was my daughter operating a magical pet healing business while you were babysitting her? And the babysitter says, I gotta go, I'm gonna ask her. You should ask her. You should ask her, get a new babysitter.

This is a horrible, horrible hire. I got, you know what, my lawyer isn't present, I need to be I don't I don't recall I don't recall So mom goes to talk to her about she's like is this more of that angel nonsense and during this Conversation the daughter gets the black lung cough, right? You know she's one cough is and Sounds like a fucking 56-year year old man or something like that But what we're supposed to get from this now is I guess that she's taking all the sins on for herself So I wrote none of my notes. I bet they crucify her in act three. Oh, that'd be awesome. Oh,

Debo just stabs her inside with a spear. Yeah So now we cut to action news lady who will fuck your mouth if you are lying to her Action news lady might as well be electrocuting Mitch's ball. She's like you listen to me Mitch You promised me a faith-healing little girl. I don't have a faith-healing little girl I'm gonna crawl on top of you. I'm gonna do a handstand. I'm gonna lower you inside me. You understand you little fat bitch She puts his thumb in his mouth. Yeah. So so Mitch has told her about the magic animal healing. And she comes and she's like, and she's like, how do you know that there's magical animal healing? And he says, well, the local kids really believe there's magical animal healing.

So now I don't have any time for shenanigans Is this little girl a real necromancer? I mean, why is that time? I need hard sources. I'm a serious local news lady. I don't have time for this Other children also believe in magic good good enough for me. I'm gonna call CNN right now All right, but I'm gonna skin your testicles if it turns out to not be true God damn it I'll pull every hair off of your body. I'll murder you and see if she can heal your ass so then we cut over to dr redden marker who is telling them that now morgan is asmolus oh and debo the guy who hangs out on his porch with a baseball bat threatening people he's a janitor at the doctor's office yeah yeah he works at

the hospital there apparently um you know it's it's good to have blind janitors they do they do a great job generally you miss the spot mr whole bunch of spot motherfucker oh blind so the the doctor tells mom she's like uh he's like oh you know I don't uh you kid doesn't have asthma anymore it disappeared she says is that possible the doctor says if you believe in miracles she says do you believe in miracles, she says, do you believe in miracles? He says, I didn't before. Yeah, he said. That's the kind of the entire movie is like

that the entire movie, like any two lines that I picked are that fucking cheesy. Yeah, he goes, if I didn't know better, I'd say it's a miracle and mom's like, but you, you do know better, right? Because I'm not gonna keep paying you. It's great. You're a doctor. You're a doctor. You're aware of symptom remission right?

Maybe i do and maybe i don't wink I'm a medical practitioner So now we get to me like the most bizarre So now we get to me like the most bizarre reaction. Okay, so nobody and it's a challenge for a writer I admit when you write a movie where you have you introduce something like magic healing parts, it's very difficult to get people within the movie to react correctly to this and with the entire movie not being people reacting to it. But it's it's it's they did it so poorly that it's almost difficult to get him to react to this bad to it

yes not even close moms clearly it she's in a her ump she's in a bad mood because her son just got cured of asthma and by her magic healing daughter and it's challenging her lack of faith the her son got cured of it I thought the universe was indifferent. What the fuck? Seriously? Seriously? Thrumbling around me. I got all these Sam Harris books.

I got a book throw about this. Riley, promise me you'll stop helping people. Don't make me say this again. This is an atheist family. Do not continue helping people. She's mad. Actually, that is a direct quote. She says, promise me you will stop helping people. But before says that she turns to Riley they're walking down this hallway she

turns to her and this is such a weird walking down the hallway seen because it's a really long and like five different times mom stops them like emphasize something but anyway the way that it opens she says Riley you know there are consequences if you use magic healing powers what yeah fucking what she talks to her about the risk of using magical healing powers like she just caught her blowing her boyfriend right and it's very much like that by the way she's like you can't just go out and heal everybody right exactly you then you're gonna be one of those girls who just take her out to Arby's and you get healed in the back now.

You don't want that reputation. Trust me. I know. I ended up with Dean Cain. Look at that. Well, also she says, you're playing God. And I want to point out, people who heal people are not playing God. No.

But she says, you have to stop helping people even though you could. That's playing God. I'm not doing it. That's playing God, just to clarify. Yeah, no helping people is playing, that well playing doctor has its own little meaning, but yes, exactly, exactly, completely different thing. But no, Mom wants more people to die because she's an atheist and that's what Atheist do.

And believe it or not, Mom's character arc is gonna get more offensive before it's over. But before we can get to that, we need to pause for another quick break. So let me give this last bit the hard sell. Will Riley learn to value human life? Will Dibo murder a white person with his bat? Will Grandma get dicked into being less ordinary? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the bufffuddling conclusion of Heaven's Door. Hi, I'm Noah Luzonz of the Skating Atheist Podcast and the Christian Movie Actor Recovery Program, and this is Dean Cain. You may remember him from the new adventures of Superman out of time, or his little

bit on Burn Notice, but now Dean Cain needs your help. That's right, recently it's come to our attention that Dean Cain has been diagnosed with Christianity. And with your help, we at the Christian Movie Actor Recovery Program would like to save his career before it's too late. For just a dollar a day, you can help Dean and many actors like him get agents who don't end calls with praise God, introduce him to casting directors who don't wear crucifixes, and reintroduce him to the world of cinema

before it's too late. Don't let there be another Kevin Sorbo. Don't let there be another Melissa Joan Hart. Don't let there be another Kirk Cameron. The Christian Movie Actor Recovery Program, because growing up, shouldn't have to mean going crazy. Hello, guys and gals. I'm Dr. Chip Whitley PhD, and I'm Reverend Stan Stasselstaff.

And together, we'd like to thank you for considering Liberty University's online school of Christian Movie News Reporting. We know that the job of a Christian Movie News Reporter can seem intimidating, but as you'll learn in this course, it's easier than you think, as long as you remember the five asses. Number one, sources. Being a good Christian Movie News reporter is all about cultivating good sources. So what makes a good source? Well, ideally, it'll be an adolescent girl you just met. And if you're not sure if a source can be trusted, just ask yourself, how plucky is she?

The pluckier, the better. Number 2. Scoops. Well, what is a scoop? Well, that would be whatever a pre-pubescent girl claims upon meeting you, the less plausible the better. Once you've got a scoop in your hands, be sure to scowl incredulously at first, but then follow up on that lead voraciously, even if it means breaking every code of journalistic ethics you can think of, as well as committing felony

be any. Number 3. Stories. What makes a good story? Every fucking thing. Little kids playing soccer, front page. Old lady with cancer, living in a dilapidated house, bought an orphan a bike, stop the presses. Four-year-old thinks some kid in her neighborhood can use Jesus magic to heal rabbits with diarrhea. Polids are fucking prize. Pulids are fucking prize indeed. Number four, staff. As a Christian movie news reporter, you'll never have to go in alone. You'll be surrounded by a competent team of people who don't really do stuff, but they're still

always there looking important. Unless you're in TV news, in which case your camera operator will be fat and incompetent. And number 5 Scorpion Horse Locusts When you're covering news in Christian movies, there's about a 50% chance that you're gonna witness the biblical apocalypse. If you do, be sure to make friends with the pilot. He probably has a hot daughter. And whatever you do, don't let them cast Lou Gossett Jr. in the third one, or you'll be a fucking afterthought.

And we're back when we last left off Riley was being told to let the miserable die, dammit if these magic healing powers aren't just what the doctor ordered to get mom and dad back together So we're gonna open the next scene on a bench where they're meeting to discuss this unlikely turn of events Also Christian movie bingo meeting on a bench in the middle of nowhere to talk about a single subject Yeah, that could have been discussed over the phone. Yeah And by the way the bench. Yeah, that could have been discussed over the phone. Yeah. And by the way, the working bench, yeah, that's me talking about. Talking bench. Also, I wanted to point out there's this moment where she go, he's like, but she told me that Morgan hadn't coughed in a week and she's like, well, that could

be the medication, that could be a lapse of symptoms. And he's like, yeah, no, sounds like a magic daughter to me. Sounds like, I don't know what all of those words were. And the thing that we're really supposed to be taking away from that this scene is that dad still wants to work it out You frigid barren husk of a useless woman. Right. He has this fantastic memory. He goes I need something from you first and she goes what? And I wanted him so bad to be like a blowjob.

I mean a chance. Sorry, I just want to say how you were going to react. You said yes. Yeah, exactly. I was just kidding. I felt like you started to lean down. Did you, it felt like you were bending your leg. You started to kneel now.

OK. Oh, I'm just going to zip back up. Sorry. All right. So now we go to again, I've probably already said this three or four times, but I mean it this time. The most bizarre and offensive scene in this fucking movie. This is where okay Riley is with the babysitter and the ghost child little sister and she's

tempted to cure the ghost child but mom told her to stop curing people so she doesn't. Now the babysitter believes her younger sister who has cancer could be cured by this girl's healing hours. So she says will you please cure my sister and she's like I'm sorry I can't my mom says no and she's just like meh what are you doing? Well you know you gave your word fuck Fuck that. I would go, John, cue on that bitch. I have a gun door. Fuckin' that. I'd be like, you're the cancer in my little sister.

You're slut. Oh, yeah. Oh, you don't want to cure the cancer in my sister. It's going to be really hard for you to like, keep your promises to mommy if I slice off your face. Yeah, right, right, exactly. How many more nails do I need to put in your leg before you say, yes.

I mean, you know, like, I don't normally endorse hammering nails into 12 year old goes But this is one of those situations where waterboarding is completely appropriate. Yeah exactly I switched over I'm back on Sam Harris inside Once the rules of the Geneva Convention go out the window when people have magic Use to use for your kids. They don't feel like it. And by the way, that is what should happen to this character in a realistic movie She should be forced at gunpoint forever to kill all the illness The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the view. There's no there's one libertarian would be like well I don't know if I want her

You get back on the internet where you belong. The rest of us are gonna be juicing this girl in a press like 7 angels stomping on her so people can drink her blood and apricot. Yes, sorry I can't heal your cancer. I promise my atheist mom I wouldn't do is gonna make her look stupid in front of my Christian grandma you get that Be awkward. They have a live in argument. I can't do it Also the little girl and the moment the little girl goes can you see the angels to I was like oh that's nice She's getting marital marijuana. That's good Glad they're you see can you see the angels also are you hungry if you ever really had munchos?

They feel like pop it down, but they're in a bag I would explain the red eyes she had going. I guess the albino look or whatever crazy billionaire money I replace all of that character's lines with just stoner things like oh, man. I'm freaking out. Is that a siren? things like oh man I'm freaking out is that a siren how do you know if someone's a cop how do you know there's like a thing there's a question that they have to answer honestly right they have to they have to tell you you guys think I'm an asshole I'm not an asshole why do you guys I know you all think I'm an asshole is everybody better at me? I talk too much. I talk too much. Is everybody bad at me? So now we go over to this is where we start to have to try to make Mitch into a bad guy character. Because he's trying to exploit the daughter's magic power,

healing powers to get a story, not to heal anyone. No. But to get a fucking story for his, for action news, apparently, that matters to him. So she says, no, but they get a fucking story for his for action news apparently and that matters to him So she says no Mitch sells them out So you know action news can come and do a does this local child child have magic powers story like news channels tend to do tend to do and they by the way they show up and We can tell that action is all this girls

Character description was just ball buster because all we see her do is yell at her camera man. Or her man. She's like, how are you not ready? Are you not ready yet? You fucking piece of shit. You better just point that camera at me because I'm a new person. I work for the new. So yes, and again, this is another little Christian movie bingo moment. Based on nothing but a four-year-old with a sick rabbit telling a fucking dude that the girl has magic healing powers. Now suddenly, there are news reporters.

All the locals are gathering around her house like they fucking just found out Jesus was in there or something. All the sickly they're bringing people, invulids on beds and shit to her and everything they're all lining up in front of the house and mom and dad are inside arguing about what to do next also credit where credit is due because again this movie there is one funny thing that happens in this movie mitch when he sells out the family to the news tells wally that wally has to make sure that his his

sign for the newspaper is in every shot. So behind the news reporter Wally is just wandering around behind her with the sign. Okay, but he has correct me from wrong. He has a house for closure sign like a person. What does that have anything to do with the news? I have no idea what happened. And by the way, Wally is dressed like WC fields in this scene for no fucking reason. He's got the sign upside down at one point. He's just like parading it behind her. But that, if that was intentionally funny, it was funny.

So we're in the big wide ass tie. He's got the fucking charcoal beard going and everything it was insane So and while mom and dad are having this conversation inside now this is where this movie really lays down its its thesis because the mom is saying the mom is trying to deny that the daughter has magic healing powers and You know the reasoning for this is she says if you this is a direct quote she said if you add the power to heal it would be your obligation to use it. Yeah which is true. Well that asks her that. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. And then she said well I don't know if it would be your obligation to use it or not. And then they're like in the dad's going like well what about the cat and what about the dog and what about this and she's like well I don't know and I wrote in my nose. Yeah, atheists are always ignoring the evidence aren't they? Yeah, they just won't accept the goddamn evidence Yeah, this is like the actual single moment of sanity from Dean Kane's character because They're arguing about the daughter's mate. He goes if she can heal things though if she can That's a good thing right and the mom's like not if it means there's a god what the fuck you talking about what I'm even saying this whole

time look at the look at all these little upside down a's that I have in my house I'm along to all these parenting organizations that got it just my whole fucking podcast wide-o-witch so so so rightly goes out she's sick and tired of hearing the mario she goes out of the one and everybody gathers around her to touch her it's really kind of a zombie horde a put your yeah he's almost killed right exactly but d-bow comes from across the street to saver so and when he does she heals his twenty percent vision and now he can see once more right and also i had a question because up into this point everything she's

cured she is gotten and I was like is she gonna be blind in this movie but she's not don't worry and I love that they they they feel that in there because most of the stuff she healed was from animals so she's got like feline leukemia and hardworm So now the, and they really don't explain this really either because the, the news lady was standing right there when the whole healing the blind guy thing happened. But then the very next scene we see is the ballbuster lady saying, well, contrary to numerous reports, there was no healing here today which is not news no none of this was not why would you what was she airing the first part live i guess just in nothing happened these children were lying about magic got a parent you gotta get on

your get a get on your ship mob of sick people attacked a little girl but nobody was healed that again for the 15th time this month, I apologize for just instantly believing everyone who told me that magic was real. Get in the car, camera man. You better not have forgotten my fucking purse. I'll split open your ball sack. So the daughter comes out after she's like, I guess, recovered from her healing moment or whatever.

She comes to talk to mom and dad about the healing powers. And basically she just tells them the story of this movie complete with flashbacks. And I wrote my notes, Hey, Hey movie. I was here for the moment. Mom at one point she goes, mom goes, I'm so confused. And I'm sure that wasn't in the script. Yeah. That was just her honest reaction. Charisma Carpenter's next words out of her mouth were,

what the fuck is supposed to be happening in the scene again? I'm sorry, I need to go to my trailer and sniff something. So she goes out, she hugs Devo, and I gotta say honestly, this was a bit of a tear jerking moment because compared to the rest of this movie, tiny Lister can act. Oh yeah, he's fantastic. I mean, you know, you put him in most movies and he's the rest of this movie, tiny Lister can act. Oh yeah, he's fantastic.

I mean, he's, you know, you put him in most movies and he's the weakest link or whatever, but in this fucking movie, he's shined. Absolutely. And he was so fantastic when he was in the Revenant and he attacked Leonardo DiCaprio. He did it and he's called me. And the camera has to escape. Oh, he was so good. So Grandma goes, well now do you believe it?

I'm like, yes, if magic shit that never happens happened, everyone would believe. There's no portal to heaven. We haven't. Right. The portal. But see, that seemed to be this movie's theological message was like, Hey, if there was no God, then little girls would never get healing powers. And there wouldn't be portals to heaven now.

What? So proof by contradiction. Yeah. If there was no God, then little girls would never get healing powers. And there wouldn't be portals to have it now. What's there? So proof by contradiction. Yeah, this way. And then so the portal closes. And the little girl turns around and she goes, guys, the portal is closed. If I help anyone, there are consequences. And here's the thing. We're going to learn that the consequences are whenever she heals someone, she gets what

they had. Mm hmm. Mm-hmm. Doesn't matter. It still doesn't matter. No. She should still be healing people. If I learned tomorrow that I had those powers, I'd be like, all right, everyone line up, we gotta do this real quick, because I'm gonna get nine kinds of cancer in 44 seconds.

Yeah. So everyone just run by and high five me. We gotta act fast. We're gonna beat the system. If I lose the ability to speak, just rub me up against people. It's like, yeah, quees all the healing out of me you can. It's like the way they look at Jesus

and they say, well, Jesus was this great guy and I'm like, Jesus had magic healing powers and selectively used them. He's an asshole. Right, exactly. If he's a real guy and all the shit in your book is true, he's a complete fucking dick. He feels like 106 people in this tiny little geographic area. Yeah, don't remind us that there are not faith healers all over oncology boards doing

nothing but trying. They're not. There's not happening. Yeah, don't remind us about that. Never happens. That's when we were all the chiropractor i'm just gonna crack your spine please leave me alone it's good these there's there's energy in your joints i'm not quite sure how it works but i got my degree online crack so and also i guess her last healing act as the portal closes is to put dad's hand in mom's hand so now she's healed their marriage. Yeah, she's like now that now that I have magic powers you guys are married because that's how this works. Apparently and apparently that's all it took because now we get them on the porch and they're sitting around talking

about Dibo. Yeah, it sounds like they're testing the waters for a threesome. It'll be big like is that what you're picturing? It's too big. It's splitting you open. That's what I had in my... Oh yeah, so our daughter marriage fixed better. And again, I got fired from Hallmark for being a too cheesy dialogue, where she says, thanks for being here and he says I've always been here and she says you and I you know what I mean you pedantic fuck come on can we just have a normal god damn conversation can I just have a nice moment I don't know when you say momentarily do you mean for a moment or in a moment we're

talking about 11 minutes specifically are you just just using moment in general. So yeah, it's you're the worst superman Including when he was paralyzed So now mom and dad Pinkie swear that they're not gonna get divorced and isn't that what marriage is really? It's a pinky swear, yes, and then we get the uncomfortable Christian movie kiss and I thought it's over isn't it over now? Can it be over now mom and dad are back together the little girl the portals closed everybody believes in the grandma was right Can we just shut the fuck up and let it be over? 65 minutes in the can. Let's just call her. There was 45 more minutes of this fucking movie after that

Including a lot of people talking to a tree Right exactly also we can't forget Christian movie bingo. They have the chemistry lacking kiss. Yes Yeah, I'm like I have run onto the scene of auto accidents and inhaled the last of breath of people with more chemistry Move move away from your daughter. I want to get this Four more years of strength I will be young again. That was nicer than the kiss and heaven I would be young again. That was nicer than the kiss and heaven, though, at least. Yeah, right.

And then, and then we just switched straight from Halloween to Christmas and I'm like, are we just going to follow this girl until she grows old and dies now? Well, no, it's Halloween then Thanksgiving because they're making Thanksgiving turkeys. Oh, okay. So we get through all the holidays with them. And what I really wanted was an intercut of children dying of cancer because to remind us that she's not right yeah that's like different people being like no july have to hold on you have to hold on christmas time

so and then we get a little conversation between her and the ginger kid where she explains that she doesn't have the magic powers anymore which is a bad she is going to join the soccer team. So he's cool with it. Yeah. And look, okay. So if you're following the chronology of this movie, it's been months. It's been months since the portal closed. He was there when the portal closed. Is this the only conversation they just have this conversation every time they see each

other and they're like, uh, so still no matter what. She's not super bright. They have the same conversation every day. It's like visiting your grandma and nursing home. When I was young, I used to dive off the highest swimming pool. All right, grandma. See you next year. It's your birthday. Is it? No, not really. I just wanted you to smile. He was overweight. So I guess that exactly. It's already catching up to him. It's flowers for Aldrin on in this town. As you get to batter, you get stupider.

flowers for Aldrin on in this town as you get better you get stupider. Exactly. You sure you want to go to old country buffet you'll lose different points. I think that happens anyway but... Girl turns into a retarded mouse all of a sudden that'd be fun. And also we get the, like there's like sort of a passing mention of cancer girl, of ghost girl and the mom's like, oh, you know what? That's who Riley should have healed before she stopped that girl with cancer.

Not the full grown man that just had really bad eyesight, but was otherwise fully functional and had a dangerous violent man who stands on his porch with a bat and now has the ability to see the people. Instead of him, she should have done the little white girl. So now we get to dog dying. The pug died. And she says, she's like, Nate, can you give me a sign? Can you? And the thing flashes, and then she sees the dog dead.

So is what happened? Did Nate kill the dog? There you go. You know how much I hated pugs. Yeah, I want to cruel the bill to be wearing bronze wick as a jacket and then that's right. You can go. I'm just going to dig my, I'm not doing about it. I'm just going to make sure you grave was good.

So, so now we cut to mom at work. Mom's getting a phone call at work. And it's an emergency. She's got to go home. But on the way home, she runs into her boss mitch that bastard who won't doesn't want to let her leave to go see her family with no explanation of what's going on whatsoever right he's like what's going on are you leaving early and she's like i have to go

and he's like what why we have worked to do and she's like my family comes first and then she just walks out right she has to could have been like, say what's going on. She could have been like, there's a medical emergency. Yes. There's a family emergency. Anything. Don't worry, because there's not. No. She's going home, because the dog is a dog dog. No explanation. She's just like, get the fuck out of my way. And he's like, okay, I just walked in through this door.

I was trying to, this is where we work. Here, I just want you to explain briefly why you leaving the job I pay you for. Like, go me, Mitch, you're hurting my arm. I'm not touching you. I'm over here. I'm just standing. That was about her, her fucking reaction. And this is where we learn. And this is not why mom came home. Mom came home because the dog was dead. But we also learn that all the stuff that the little girl healed people from they were like dying a few weeks later and she gets the thing that they had. And so this sounds a lot more like the God we know.

It's only temporary, your pet dies anyways and also so there's net more sufferings. Yes, right. So they take her to the doctor and the doctor says he's given her every test she could he could think of and she has everything. She has everything, every medical problem she has. Now, the thing is generally when you find one fatal thing that will make you pass out, you stop doing tests. So at a certain point, he was just going like, fully said, I wonder if she has Rubella.

Let's check for Rubella you guys check for God or else I can't know what this is okay who had who had rickets in the pool who had milk like what about milk like milk like you always twerk at 100 years wait for the doctor to say to the mom hey did Riley touch your hand because her uterus is gone now it It's just it's just nothing but tumors and fibroids. And she has canine AIDS now. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Yeah, so we find out that she had a very, very shit power. Mitch comes to see her in the hospital.

Again, in this universe, the fact that a bunch of kids once thought she had magic powers, but it turned out she didn't as far as Mitch knows is The biggest thing that's ever happened so even months later when he finds out the little girls in the hospital He shows up to take pictures of her for the newspaper But Debo tells him to fuck off. Debo assaults him. Yeah, physically assaults him picks him up off the ground and physically assaults him That is the main action of the black man in this movie right well

Mitch is like hey man Why don't I give you some money and we can settle this and he's like oh, well fuck you inside out We're like okay Everybody calm down and he was like I'm real calm. I'm a fuck you Well, and that's again just like last week which when you try to give people money that they try to fuck you So this is why I don't Why you don't? Thank you.

You learn nothing else from Christian movies. Me and all the characters that he was ever played. We don't tip for a reason. Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck? Hahaha Um, so so Riley is in the hospital. She leaves her hospital bed to go see little cancer girl.

Right. And I wanted her to be covered in like boils and broken lips. She's got half a hamster tail pulling her face. But she doesn't. She's just got the eye makeup. I'm hanging out of her ass halfway. Yeah. So she begs God not to torch her murder, the innocent cancer child, and offers to take the cancer for herself. And so God says, yeah, okay, I guess. So she does an ultimate healing thing. She goes super sane and there's just fairy dust everywhere. And we can tell Katie's heal because he takes the black makeup out from under her eyes. Yes. God indicates that she's doing okay. And so and now the little girl is is dying, you know, they oh

And this is how we find that out Cancer girl and the babysitter come out to the to the waiting room where mom and dad are waiting to find out about their daughter And she's like, I am so sorry that Riley took my cancer and died. We switched that on. Honestly, I didn't want her to take the cancer, but I was just in the moment. She was like, no, let me have it. And I got carried up in the moment. And that is how they find out their child is dead.

Well, is it? Well, she's dead at the moment anyway. So she's dead at the moment, right? But they don't have moment right but but but but like they don't have like like the baby Center in the daughter like hey maybe we should let one of the doctors break the news to her since they have training on that stuff No no send Katie yeah baby news bad news good news So remember sandwich it and good stuff, but I love your hair So yeah, and then so mom and dad are sitting around going like what's wrong with us? You know we're only batting 3 three a non-dead kids and that

one's got as much of the as it got long two out of three is not a good yeah yeah good alive to do i want to play a lot of the little mute as the kid getting hit by a car haha back man we suck at this what about the baby i want to send my no so i don't even remember which one of what i was that Man, we suck at this. What's up, baby? What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, his parents whose kids die don't appreciate it. Okay, so which explains Carly Fiorina

today? It explains it. I knew that was coming. Okay, but you've taken so well. So now Devo shows up. The wise black man shows up to make it all right. Now, but here's the thing. At this point, yes, she's gonna come back But here's the thing at this point. Yes, she's gonna come back alive. Whatever, but at this point, the little girl is dead. Right. And Debo says he's like having this weepy. It was a miracle moment. And he says, well, he go, I only used to have 20% vision. And now I can see just fine. That was worth your daughter's life, wasn't it? And I wrote in my notes, hey, man, our daughter just died. This isn't about you right now. So right as they're just about to bomb her though, of course, a magic wormhole

portal opens up and a soccer ball throws falls down through it. So that means heaven showed up and she comes back to life. Right. She comes back to life right she comes back to life and she's gonna write a stupid Cuntie book. Yeah What it's so bad for Riley to get up and just walk back to the girl with cancer and be like Sorry, I have to give your tumors back Why why yeah, well my dad grandpa threw a soccer ball at me from a portal. So yeah Turns out you do have to die a tough break. Uh, give me your hand. No, give me your hand. No, stop trying to touch me. I'm not taking my cancer back.

Stop trying to touch my hand. I've got you. It was only one hand. You just got my robe. Come on. You got a thousand pounds cancer tag from Hasbro. I love that game. Um, so this is the actual dialogue between Riley and the mom when she wakes up from dead. Riley turns to the mom and says, you'll never believe what I just saw. And the mom says, I would. So now we know that mom is giving up on all that stupid atheism shit and we'll believe whatever a 12 year old girl tells her

when she comes to after having been clinically dead for a few minutes, like a smart person would. Yeah. And then we learn because with the little girl does voice over that we hear the baby being born she goes, I'm going to love you and I'm going to take care of you just the way you took care of me. So we learned that the person in heaven who has been giving her her magic powers and helping her through the movie wasn't grandpa? It was future baby, but But future baby according to the voiceover looks and just she says you look just like grandpa Which is really weird because you know she only knew grandpa as an elderly man at the end of his life

Hard to see a baby look exactly like that. Yeah, exactly right right right He comes out with the hat and everything damn fort three out of four. We are really doing bad No Obviously the only stars this movie earned with the gold stickers the director got every day of filming He made through without shit themselves So rather than asking how many stars you would give it. I want you to imagine that you fall out of a tree in a magic soccer portal thing or whatever. And when you step through it, you are granted magical powers. However, those magical powers are even lairer than this movie. So tell me, what would those powers have to be?

I can kill dead dogs. Wait, no, no, that's the Sets Riley's power. Sure you have that. That was already taken. Sure you're taking off. No, I can cure cancer, but I can only do it by giving you AIDS also, or something equivalent. Basically, I'm a disease switcher. That's my power. I'll take away your son's autism, but he gets rickets now.

No longer colorblind, but now you're an alcoholic So I really type things. Yeah, I love it. I love the swapper on sci-fi Hey, man, I had a flu and you gave me leukemia. Yeah, I don't know his work well Does not always go well Makes you feel better someone who has cancer's getting a flu He's gonna go shit better with the switcher Makes you feel better someone who has cancer's getting a flu Better with the switcher Oh, I'm gonna go with I fall out of the train and of Heaven's Door, but that's not going to do it for the show quite yet, because we still haven't gotten

you all semi erect over next week's show. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Little boy. Oh, I've been looking forward to this one. Oh, me as well. So I actually saw this movie way back when it came out because we thought we were maybe going to do it and then we didn't get a chance to do it

before God awful movies existed. So this will be me watching this movie for three times now coming to watch it. So I am very excited. And just to give everyone the preview version of this, okay, we have the single most racist depiction of a Japanese man or of an Asian person since breakfast at Tiffany's We have a little boy who gets World War 2 ending powers. I think so and War crime level power of prayer. Yeah

Meanwhile cut to fat man going I would probably more photogenic did it gave me a fucking movie. This movie is confirmation that there's like a rule number 34 going on for Christian movies and apologetics about awful awful fucking things. Apparently they have an apologetics movie about the fucking nuclear attack right in Japan. In a way if if you think about it, the rape of Nan King was the best thing that could have happened to all of us. Coming this Christmas. Yeah, so that should be fun with that to look forward to.

We're gonna bring episode 20 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist and the scrapocrat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can can email Godawfulmoveies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode

was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick of Evil Drafts on Mars, and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following the links on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neal, I'm Bosnick, I'm no illusions promising to work hard during another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. I don't you, vulgar about me. Grandma was arrested when the ginger kid was found in her van wearing nothing but handcuffs in a ball gag. Skeptical journalist lady went on to win a Pulitzer prize for her shocking expose, debunking

the fraudulent claim by a local lemonade stand that Jesus makes it sweeter. Girl who got cured of cancer Katie was chased around the hospital until Riley finally was able to grab her hand and give her her cancer back. She died of cancer. The Dirt You Woke Home Man! We gotta do it that time, no? Yeah, exactly. We got to do at that time. Yeah, exactly.