God Awful Movies - 200: The Best Two Years

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

This week, Uncle Dan and Uncle Doug from the How to Heretic podcast join us for an atheist review of "The Best Two Years", the story of four Mormon missionaries being too naive to realize they're being taken advantage of and having a terrible life. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And the American guy is the greatest here because he's just like passively aggressively like picking up anti-mormon grocery items Yeah, it's all caffeine in the liquor It takes a gay couple off the shelf. No, no Well, and so do so to an elder doobus literally does the guy's wine out of his basket and puts it back on the shelf, which is a good trick. Yeah, you pull the wine out of my basket, you're pulling back at bloody stumb muddy water. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Movie, movie, movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Welcome back to The Gamcast. For each week, we sample another selection from Christian cinema because the film spotting guys already had dibs on good movies. I'm your host Noah Luzon since sitting 700 miles to my immediate left as my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back.

Thanks Noah. I'm so flippin excited. That's flippin do this. Let's flip and do it indeed. Flip yeah. If you were anywhere near me, I would punch you so hard right now. Just you you owe him one. We're sitting nine hundred miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I want to flip. All right. Now, I'm down. And also joining us for a week three of Mormon movie month are two thirds of our favorite DIY podcast, the How-To Heretic Doug Dan. Welcome back to the show. Hey, I know.

You flip off everybody. Where you can tell this Mormon movie shit sinking in right here. It's getting under you. Are we talking about this? It's weird. We'll explain. I don't even know the flip in movie yet. Now, unfortunately, Mark couldn't make it because I'm assuming he learned his flip in less than the last time unlike you guys.

Right? Or some of us are more into massacres than others. That's just a king thing. Whatever you, whatever you think is. I know judgment here. All right. So tell us, Keith, what are these flip jokes all about? What are we going to be breaking down to that?

We watched the best two years. It's the story of Mormon missionaries in Amsterdam. So it's just two straight hours of Dutch people being just perfectly happy and Mormon missionaries having nervous break. It really is. It really is. You can just in the background, you're like, wow, everyone here is having a better time than you guys. The entire country. Maybe that's what the title is. Maybe the best two years are these other people's. Yeah, right.

Yeah, the extra socialist paradise. Yeah, it seems like the worst part of their lives is I'm going to say you. Yeah, right. Dealing with you. All right. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love shopping lists, but the thrills and chills of the dairy items are just too much for you, you will love this movie.

This movie is on YouTube, and when I finished watching it, the algorithm suggested that I kill myself. Yeah. It's about boring. And I finished watching it, the algorithm suggested that I kill myself. Yeah. This movie is you could put a gun to my head right now and ask me to describe the plot of this movie. And I'd be like, grocery store. Yeah. Yeah.

I was just. I was just. I was pretty simple algorithm that was always doing that. Yeah. It's just following your Facebook posts, man. So okay, so I have questions because we've watched a bunch of these Mormon missionary movies now. And every single one of them makes being a Mormon missionary seem like the worst possible idea any human being could have. And I know that they're like making them seem better than they are, right?

Like they have to be. It's a movie. I was a Mormon missionary. Yeah, I think you're, you're giving a delving into Doug's territory over here. That's why I'm bringing it up. So, Doug, is it even worse than this? Well, the one thing I will give this movie is it did manage to get the futility, the stupidity, and the crackling sexual tension. I'm a real addition. Definitely got that right. All right, all right, compliment sandwich. You guys have to understand that Doug went on possibly one of the worst missions available. Like, I don't know who it was that like got Doug's application and decided where he was

going to go, but that person had a vendetta. Yeah, where was your mission? A point of personal order here, guys. The first time we reviewed one of these movies, it was set in sunny Southern California, and this one has them navigating the hellscape that is Holland. Yeah, absolutely. So, where's my missionary movie? I spent two years in fucking Honduras.

Oh, my. Where's my lighthearted romp of navigating malaria, Dange fever and dysentery will not getting shot by narco travelers. So, well, to be fair, we did watch that one. All of that is real. Hey, Doug, someone took your pamphlet. Yay, and used it to burn a witch.

Oh, Anishelid, Mark, come get me. All right, so is there anything we want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst setting for a movie about language barriers. They wanted a bunch of jokes about that and they went with the Netherlands where everybody speaks the 19 languages, definitely including English.

Right. Right. I'll eliminate this for the best worst passage of time. Nearly the first half of this movie takes place in real time on a single point. Yeah. And then another huge portion is time lapse montages. This movie is stuck in either first gear or warp night. There is no men on. I because at the end of it, I was like, wait, was that two years? How the hell? Well, okay. Okay, speaking of which, this is because this movie just gets

the time dimension all wrong, I was going to go with best worst deceptive run time. All right. So we just got back from San Francisco. We did the big, the big hangout, the big live stream for all of our patrons. It was a whole thing. It took a week to prepare it. I get back. I've got a ton of work to do.

And I look at the movie that we're doing. It's on YouTube. Eli sent me a link and I look at I see that it's 37 minutes long. And I'm like, that's, that's about right. Cause more movies are all either 37 minutes or three and a half hours. That was part one of three goddamn it. So like I went for like two days thinking, oh, it's 37 minutes. I've got plenty.

I can get a lot of other work done caught up on a ton of shit. And then I went to watch it last yesterday and it's like two fucking hours. Where's the movie? Did you guys watch the other two parts? I was not instructing. I was told it was this file. Don't worry if you missed it, Heath. Nothing happened. Yes, you can guess the jokes. It's easy. This is certainly a movie you can wing. Yes. I'm going to nominate it for the best worst sales pitch for missionary work because look,

all the other missionary movies are about like how hard it is. This one's supposed to be pitching us on how great it is. Like it's in the title. Yeah. And to me, basically, the whole thing of this movie is, hey, you want to take two years of your life to live in disgusting squalor, never less than three feet from other men. You don't really like in order to bother countless people in languages. You won't weren't sufficiently trained

to speak who will reject you. And be hopelessly bogged down in menial statistic tracking while your girlfriend guaranteed fucks another guy back home. Where do I sign up? And again, they're making it seem better than it is, aren't they? Are they talking? And that was my best worst, was best worst setup for disappointment. Like, look, I know I am last on this podcast when it comes to being a Mormon missionary, but like the idea that it will literally be your best two years, the name of a movie, like I could make a romantic comedy about a guy who falls in love with a root canal, and it would contain more of an album than this movie. It's an orifice. All right, well, if there's one thing I know about Mormon missionary movies, it's that

they're longer than Mormon missions. So we're going to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll break down all the montages of previous montages that are the best two years. You know, here on God off of movies, we've watched way more than our fair share of Mormon missionary movies. We've seen them save town, save islands, get up to plenty of wacky shenanigans. And most importantly, convert a lot of people to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day

Saints. And after 200 episodes of this show, it looks like we've noticed a bit of a gap in the Mormon cinema universe. So pending the success of our Kickstarter, we looks like we've noticed a bit of a gap in the Mormon Cinema universe so, pending the success of our Kickstarter, we'd like to present this exciting sneak peak. This summer. So wait, I have to poop with the door open. Yes. Or you'll... I sent you home in disgrace, yes.

Comes the gritty missionary remake we've all been waiting for. Hi, would you like to hear about fuck off? Huh. Hi, would you like to hear about all the crazy parts that could I lick your feet? Uh, no. Because when you send an 18 year old to bother people for two years, it's gonna suck. I'm an adult who's here to yell at you about quotas I made up. I'm not a mostly prepared face!

The worst two years unless you wind up a sex slave at some point. Okay, you can lick my feet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up with a song that might as well start with the lyrics spoiler alert my note here is just hey Tom can you acapella group right a song for the movie yeah I don't know I thought it was it sounded it's it's funny because they took their cues from like the comedies of the 80s, but this was made in 2003. So, but it's kind of sounded like the Mormon version of I'm All Right from Caddy Shack, but written by Elder Heber J. Luggins. Yeah.

Yes. Oh my god, this song, you know, there's a reason we don't sing all four verses of the national anthem before it would fall in. There's not even opening credits, just the extended version of Mormon free bird over areas of Holland. Hey, there was that cool, cool train we got to look at. So that's cool. Oh, and also the, I love that they tried for literalism because like the lyrics at one

point were something about a bicycle wheel spinning faster than a windmill. And that's accompanied by a shot of a windmill that is not spinning at all. Actually, perfect metaphor for the whole movie if you think about it. Well yeah, we see it, we start off on Holland in a train and I have to say, I've seen several movies where all the people of one religion were put on a European train at the beginning. This has got the most upbeat music of those films. Yeah. We're put on a European train at the beginning. This has got the most upbeat music of those films. One on a limb there. It only because Spielberg rejected my special edition.

You put yakety sacks behind that movie. It changed. It really does. All right. So, uh, oh, and then so we were looking at a train and a lot of Holland for eight and a half minutes, but we also got, like, I guess all the kids at the Mormon dorm, all the missionary kids waking up. Yeah.

And I got to say, those are some shiny pajamas. Shiny. Is that a Mormon thing? Was that a... No, that is the one game missionary thing. Yeah. Elder Van Pelt is a complex character. Can I say some likes? I'm in gay.

Yeah, he's dressed like late era Hugh Hefner. He's a long block is like off of Liberace's piano. And he France is about the apartment like Hank Azaria in the bird case. And he's going with this guy. Well, and also every time anyone speaks to him, he's like, I like women a lot. Yeah, he's got three pictures of girlfriends up and they're all signed on the picture, which to me, those aren't your girlfriends. Those are the pictures you sent away for for the models of the prices right. I don't know if you noticed, but the girl in the

middle picture was clearly in her 40s. I think these photos came with the welcome basket at the repair to therapy camp that Elder Van pelts fly out of it. And what's amazing is that this is, this is the first time in this movie that we see that like whoever wrote this movie didn't get so much of their trip. And the first of it is like he obviously roomed with a gay Mormon kid and he was just like, oh, what a ladies man. And the same judges and you know, you know women love musicals. I'm like, hey, look, watch me. Why would I be doing this 1980s Jane Fonda workout?

He literally does that. That is the truth. Yes. Okay. So we meet three characters here. Good luck. Keep in track of them. I'll try to help. So you got elder Rogers. He's the lazy one who just doesn't give a shit about Mormoning anymore breakfast club. You have elder Van Pelt, who is the closeted gay missionary who they'll present as a ladies man. And then you have elder Johnson

who has so little personality that they make his entire character arc. I have a cassette, but no cassette player cassette tape. That's what I call him in my notes is cassette tape. Yeah, that's Elder Johnson. I call them elder responsible elder quote girlfriends and elder bad elder. Yeah, and apparently elder bad elder, that's Rogers. He's nervous because he's got a new companion coming in and what if he's some kind of dork? He's a Mormon missionary. Oh my God, he goes

through this whole thing. He's like, I'll bet my new companion will be awful. Oh, how so? Well, first he's going to be like five, six and fuck short people. And probably have glasses, which I think is a weakness of character. And on these days, he's probably going to want to play chess like a fag. I'm the full one. Yeah, but that's his big fear. I mean, well, we have we cut to this weird fucking POV shot of, yeah, this is greenie. This is his new companion that's on the train on his way there. And he's given out books of Mormon on the train. Yeah, this movie is triggering enough for me without the POV.

It's like playing a first person shooter with mittens on it. But it's weird. It's shot like a horror film. Yeah. It's like it's like when you see the only the machete from the murderers perspective and he's picking his victim, it's so weird. It feels very creepy. And so unnecessary. Nothing is established by this shot. Right? Okay. So anyway, we cut back to the Mormon dorm and I have to ask you guys about this because apparently elders Johnson and Van Peltar are excited because they have a big challenge coming up.

What the fuck is that? The challenge is, they kind of cover this way by, at the end of the movie, but it's the affirmative will you questions and that challenge is will you be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? So that should have. So you could have 10 challenges by just yelling that out first. I thought missionaries just like went around challenging people to weird little contests. Oh, that's what I thought. Rock paper scissors. You have to be more than a bow and go. Right, right. Yeah. Best two Rock paper scissors. You have to be Mormon if I went go right right yeah best two out of three

Winter picks losers religion. It would be a more successful strategy And to be fair that's a great way to get Heath to become a Mormon Totally if only someone could beat people in contests you made up there on the spot. I am up there on the spot. I am. Yeah. I was losing rock paper scissors. You're the new Joseph Smith from them. One other question. They're also talking a lot about their statistics. Like as if as if they all have baseball cards, they actually have physical cards that they're filling out with baseball style stats. Is there like a Mormon missionary fantasy league? Is this real? They got this part right and they dedicated a lot of time to it.

Boy, that is, that is the life of a missionary is writing stats. They literally like they're talking to their zone leaders or whatever on the phone. And literally, it's like, we played for the audience. I had tennisists with five rebounds, like that 15 for 34 from the field. So no three pointers this week, but I think we're really going to improve next week. That's not an exaggerate. That's like 90% of the movie is numbers being read into a phone off of a piece of paper. Nothing quite as gripping as one-sided phone conversations about statistics. Guys, I see a business opportunity here. We call the right mission with the right gullible guy.

We can start the first ever Mormon missionary fantasy league. We get the Mormon plan like they mean it. We play it like we don't. I love it. Your guy gets injured on his bike. Come on. I mean, I just want you guys to know that like these guys keeping tracks of track of their stats and spending as much time of the movie on this, you think you guys have gotten

good windows into Mormonism. That's your window. Okay. Anything else, ignore everything else you've learned about Mormonism, you've got it right there. They are boring, awful people. All right. So now there's, there's two other things that we have to set up in this particular scene

that are very important running jokes throughout the movie. And I say very important, like you need to know about this. This movie's humor is so bad they should have little emojis in the subtitles to cue you in on what they're going for. But number one, Van Pelt doesn't like it when Elder Rogers says flip. So Elder Rogers says that if he says flip again, as in like, you know, whatever the Mormon substitution for fuck, then Van Pelt gets to hit him, right? That's thing number one.

And thing number two is that Van Pelt gets very upset when you improperly pluralize books of Mormon and say book of Mormons. Oh my god. That's he that's valid. Yeah. No, no, no, because this dude gets pedantic later in the movie in a way that he gets it fucking wrong. Yes. And if you are going to be a dickhead peasant or peasant. A dickhead petten. You better fucking come correct. That's all I say. We'll get to it later. But Jesus Christ, I heard, I think I heard Heats brain explode from across the continent. It did.

Oh, it did. Jesus Christ, like read a book. Yeah. Right. And if you happen to go to the bathroom during that setup for the flip joke, this movie would be positively psychotic. Yes. I think it'd be better actually now that I've got it.

There's like a bunch of issues with the face to no reason for the next two hours. Yeah, forget seeing Detective Pikachu, if you don't know anything about Pokemon, watch this movie and miss the first 10 minutes. Right. I love that. So yes, flip is sort of miss the first 10 minutes. I love that. So yes, Flip is sort of a Mormonization of fuck. It's the way that you say they have a whole canon of words that they have substitute words, you know, like we need to double the eggs or whatever.

Holy freaking heck. Yeah, exactly. So, but Flip is like totally fine. I can confirm this because I accidentally worked on Mormon TV last year and was sent an official list by the Mormon TV that I worked for of like not just don't swear weird insane childlike substitutions they had. It's a nightmare and flip is one of them. Oh my God. Just a week

of Eli being like, flip your face. Flip your face. But what I love is that elder girlfriends is like, Hey, I hate it when you say flip. And the other guy's like, Oh, well, that's totally valid. You can punch me now. Yeah. Why does he have to stop saying flip? Who made you the boss? I feel like Johnson just likes to get punched so show Yeah, well or rather he likes to retaliate which we'll learn later on yeah All right, so now we are 15 minutes into the fucking movie that train from the opening credits just pulled up The other three Mormons are biking quickly to the train station because they're running late, despite the fact that the last scene included not one, not two, but three instances of

them saying, well, we sure better pick up the new guy this morning at the train station. Yeah. The guy from Memento would have absolutely no problem. I can't give this movie many compliments, but Memento guy would be like, yep, I totally get it. All right. So they get to their, to the train station, the Mormons already come and go on, right? They've lost their Mormon.

And I don't know if this was meant to be funny. This was one of only two funny moments in the entire movie, but they find a book of Mormon in the garbage and they're like, no, he's been here. Like they're going to track that like foot prints. That was the best. I got to assume that's real. Like missionaries, do you guys constantly have to just circle back and be like, yeah, there's all of their all in the garbage.

There they are. We were all. They're like, I get 10 away. I got 10 back. I just like, yeah, it's funny because the guy who he gave the book of Mormon to on the train walks off the train with the thing. And I was like, oh, they're showing a triumph. He hasn't thrown it away yet. That was my joke. And then, oh, no, they went back. He threw it away. He threw it in the trash. I was rooting so hard for secular Amsterdam to win the

moodly. And like the missionaries just like give up and start an eightiest podcast. Like secular Amsterdam is clearly the protagonist by accident. And it wins. Spoiler. It wins. Oh boy, does it. I love that that he gets off the train and there's no one there to pick him up. I just figured he'd probably have to find his own boat to Tonga at that.

He doesn't have to eat my own feet. Fuck. All right. So, but this is where they finally they find them because I guess like they come over I'm gonna have to eat my own feet, fuck. All right, so, but this is where they finally, they find them because I guess like, they come over the PA and they're like, hey, somebody come get us fucking Mormon, he's lost. And they meet Elder Calhoun and wouldn't you know it? He's a sure person with glasses that plays chess.

This will be such an odd couple. Yeah, exactly. Why is anybody surprised? Is that not like, is your Mormon missionary partner ever the fangs on a motorcycle? No, he's never. It's always some pumpkin from your own. What do you expect? Some guy pulls up dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Hope you fellas don't mind.

I have an armpit vagina. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- just a more of a Belgian thing. I just want to know. Those things are the best though. I actually stopped and got lemon ricotta pancakes at this point when I first saw the pan. For those baffeli things, whatever they are. Yeah. Drop waffles. Yeah, they're great. Yeah, those are great.

I just love that like the new guy, they meet him and he's like, obviously he's so excited to see them and everything is amazing. And he's very clearly on the autism spectrum, which, my friends, is the pinnacle of Mormon humor right there. So there's a high watermark is that he is mentally, uh, he is atypical neuro atypical. Yeah, right. No, and again, he got to remind yourself over and over again, this movie was made in 2003, right?

Cause like if this movie was made in 1987, so much more of it would make sense. Yeah. Orson Wells would be like, guys, come on. Pretty good. All right. So now that we've finally put Elder Rogers and Elder Cal Hoon together, the Mormon buddy cop movie can begin. So we get the scene where they're like walking home together, getting to know each other. Yeah, and Elder G elder gump ass elder Johnson. Do you have a girlfriend? Are you with anybody? Do you, do you have any sisters? Do you like girls? Which, firstly, that sister question in the context of those other questions. Yes. Problematic. Thank you.

All strange. But elder Johnson stops and gives him such a look that I'm positive. They cut away just before he said, I'm not a fag, okay? I feel like that got taken out and posed. I felt like that was just a pick-up. I felt like they just understood that they were about to go and fuck. If I wanted to suck a penis, would yours be a good one to do a penis? Well, and it was crazy. It was like, so you don't have sisters? Are you gay? Like that was the, yeah. Which was a weird juxtaposition I thought. But this is where we learn that elder nerdy

isn't from Mormon family. No. Parents are Catholic and he became Mormon as a child and we will never find out how that happened. No! Oh my god. I mean, I have an idea. Lululu, do it little kid stuff.

Little kid stuff is my favorite stuff. Well, hello there, son. How do you like a change of religions? Oh, well, gee, I don't know, Mr. We have another book like the Bible to read except more boring. Wow, you do? Yep, and as soon as you're interested, we'll turn everything into a weird test that you could fail, which means you'll burn and hell forever. Awesome! But I tell you what, you change religions fast enough, we might just send you anywhere in the fuck we want in two years to poop with the door open.

Stop selling, you've hit gold. And it's gotta be something like that. Yeah, right, right. It's either King James Bible and I'm like, this is great, but this could use a supplement with an homestead New York perspective from thousands of years later. Bible and I'm like, this is great, but this could use a supplement with a home state New York perspective from thousands of years later. Well, Asia-centric, don't you think?

Okay. So they get back to the house and at this point, I've just a little tiny note here, the music bed that was playing in that last scene ended and then they just started it over like the cantina in Star Wars for this next scene. I love it. Okay. So Elder Dork, the Elder Calhoun is learning to speak Dutch, but he's doing it with a Southern accent.

So that's humor adjacent, right? He's bad at the language they didn't teach him. That's hilarious. And also he shows him around the little shit. Oh, that like this would be an illegal place to rent to people, right? Yeah. One very weird commonality between Honduras and Holland, the shower situation. Oh, really?

It is a little known fact that modern Netherlands is basically the same as communist eras Siberia. Yes, Fridge doesn't work. So, you know, if you want to keep something cold, stick your finger up your ass and wish real hard. This whole time, I really wanted a bunch of Dutch people from like a welfare program to show up and help out the Mormon missionaries. I'm not a poverty worker. I killed them a well. I'm not offered to build them a well. I mean, a lot of it is like, guys, if you wanted to make a movie about missionaries in the third world, you can do that. That would be cheaper to film than this first world paradise of modern conveniences and pretending it's hard to live there.

Come on. Go to rural Utah, right? Anywhere. Anywhere. All right. So he's showing him around the place. He's showing Calhoun around the place and then elders Van Pelt and Johnson get home. They're very excited about the male because elder Van Pelt has sexy letters coming from

ladies from women. A hundred plays. Okay. No, I don't like to give notes as we're doing the podcast. Excited about the male. I would go in the world. No, you're right like to give notes as we're doing the podcast. Excited about the mail. I would go in the forehead. No, you're right, you're right. I didn't really sell.

More ring each other for the mail. Seems like more. The minute the mail comes through the slot and they're all like, Well, that's more, it is on the guy here. Totally. And getting mail was definitely a thing, but Elder Van Pelt is acting like he did two huge rails of biker crank right now.

It's insanity. It's genuine insanity. He's jacked up like the Mexicans in training day when they went to kill Ethan Hawke. Yeah, just turns into a wildly aggressive wrestling match. And I'm assuming this turns into tickling and making out a lot of life. That's what happens. I'll never tell. But so most of it, of course, is for Van Pelt, but there's also one letter for Elder Johnson

with a cassette tape from his girlfriend inside. Now, Eli, what that is is you put it into a machine and it's not even a recording on it. I have no idea how we would even begin to describe that to anyone under the age of 40. It's like 0.073% of an MP3 but physically you have to carry it around. You know music? You know? Celluloid You're me on I want you to imagine one tenth of an mp3, but it's made of glass Imagine human hair tangled in exactly the right position Singing telegram, but it's just zeroes and ones Oh, no, no, this is way before zeroes and ones.

Yeah, exactly. This is before bass fucking boost like this. Oh, yeah, don't put it near a mag. I forgot to tell you. This is an anti-rock signal. We are talking analog signal. Yeah, but the key though is that after he painfully orgasms at the site of the cassette tape, he needs to find a cassette player, but damn it, he can't find one anywhere.

Which seems to be the sort of the big question of the entire movie at this point. It becomes the only plot that we've got. I would argue it's the only plot we ever get, spoiler. Yes, yes, exactly. And the tape with the bad news that's on it, spoiler alert, could have just shown up I would argue it's the only plot we ever get. Spoiler. Yes. Exactly. And the tape with the bad news that's on it, spoiler alert, could have just shown up later in the movie. Yeah.

It didn't have to be here right now. Yeah. We miss out on all those great comedy shenanigans where he's looking for a cassette player, but it is elsewhere. Yeah. Okay. And this brought up a question for me. You're closer to Mormons geographically

than I am. Is this not an issue anymore in 2019 or do they like take their cell phones away and they have to use like they've made tablet concessions and smartphone concessions. Okay, they're adapting to the new world. but I know that you were only allowed to call your mom once a year until February of I called my mom from a grass hut in the jungle on Mother's Day one year That was the only person I spoke to in English that year. Oh, Jesus All right, so now it's time for the first of the 81 montages of this movie Now it's time for the first of the 81 montages of this movie. This would be okay. Now, first of all, I want to just point out that like,

they're framing Holland in all of these shots, right? Like, this is the easiest job a cinematographer ever got and he fails so consistently. I could have got these shots in way cross Georgia. Like, I can't expect a Dutch person to be like, would you like to tilt your camera? Like, uh, show them now. The beautiful parks we have literally everywhere.

I think mostly sidewalk is what I'm going for. If sidewalks could take up 90 to 100% of the frame. And it's just the elders writing their bikes through all of this stuff. And oh all there was this moment where they were elder Rogers kind of stops and elder doofus goes past him and they're on some sort of bridge thing. And I thought for sure he was going to eat shit and I was looking forward to it so much.

But he survived it. Every time there was bike riding, I wanted the pant leg to get caught in the gears. Yeah. So hard. Never happened. All right. So, but eventually this montage ends in there in a park. And it's time for Elder Calhoun to try to make his first Mormon.

Right. What are the chances the directors notes to Elder Calhoun in this park scene did not contain the R word? Zero chances. Zero chances. Can I ask another question about the system here and the terminology? Yeah, you're not allowed to say it because like it

hurts their feelings. Oh, yeah. Okay. Got it. Also, second question, they say, let's go place some books. Do you just like put them places? Sometimes? Well, I have a story about that one time.

Like Easter Egg. Do you just like balance them on shit that's going to fall on people in like doorways and like what. I totally juke my own stats a couple times by just leaving piles of books and out. Good for you, Deic. How many baptisms did you get during your two years? I, well, I was not in Holland. I was in a different kind of country. I baptized quite a few people, mostly 14 year olds, none of whom I assume are still in any way related to the Mormon church. Yeah, they did it for the cookie. I get it. Wow. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. They did it for the bath.

Are you kidding me? I'm sorry. You're going to dunk me in clean water in Honduras in the 80s. Yes. But that brings up a point that will be pertinent to later in this movie. Doug, when you baptized people in Honduras, did you use a baptismal font? Well, occasionally. Okay. Sometimes we did baptize in rivers and a couple times even in the ocean, never in a crowded industrial waterway, but we'll leave that for later. Okay.

Okay. Good to know. Spoiler alert, someone will get hit with a steamship later. I love it. Here's what I love. I love that elder bad elder is still being really, really bad at this and he doesn't give a flying fuck about any of it. He keeps leaving the dude in his dust.

He keeps trying to ditch out his companion, ditch on his companion and there's this great moment where he's just sitting in the park. Elder Rogers has it fucking figured out. He is like, yeah, this missionary shit. This place is gorgeous. I've got a camera. I'm not interested in any like he's doing it right. He has actually figured this shit out and it keeps sending Elder Dupas away to like,

okay, go talk to that guy. It's like a, it's like a parent who's really trying to get rid of their kid. It's like Heath and I on a snipe hunt. He's like, oh, you almost got him, buddy. You almost got him. Oh, you got him. He's so close. And Elder Dupas is like, wait, I don't speak enough Dutch and he's like, you'll be fine.

Get out there. Yeah. All right. So he sends him out to the first guy, the guy that's got, you'll be fine. Get out there. Yeah. All right. So he sends him out to the first guy, the guy that's got the gum. He's trying to throw away, but, but, but, but, Elder Calhoun's in his way. It's humor adjacent again. No, it's not.

No, it's, but it doesn't go well for him. He does not turn this guy into a woman. First of all, he's speaking, does to him the whole time, but the guy's American classic misunderstanding. Really funny, really, really funny. Oh, yeah. No, you can get eight minutes out of that in a movie. Right. Well, what I love is he's like, oh, no, no, I'm, I'm American. I speak English. And he's like, are you a missionary to? I'll fight you to the death. The other team. And I was, look, I got to admit,

this character comes back and eventually becomes Mormon, but I so wanted this guy to be like, all right, I'm gonna go fuck this girl, I'm fucking, in Amsterdam, the best place to fuck people, have fun bothering people. And being so I'm going to go smoke all of the weed. I'll be enjoying the observable universe.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I do love though that like to Heath's point, secular Amsterdam wins. They make one more man while they're here and he's American. Yeah. Right. Exactly. All right.

So now we head back to back home where Elder Calhoun is going to learn Dutch tonight. And they go for the humor moment where he verps as he's trying to speak Dutch because the language is so gutterall. Oh my God, I realized I was in real trouble in this scene because the movie has been so bad up to this point that when elder doofus chokes on his Dutch G, I actually laugh. I did too. No, no. Look, I, which by the way is the perfect metaphor for Mormon missionary work because they just wear you down until your brain can make sense anymore.

I see why that might be funny if better done. Oh, laugh. Yeah. No, I get it. So yeah. So Rogers gives Calhoun a Dutch speaking pep talk. And he also says, Hey, if anybody asks, let's pretend we did stuff and Mormon stuff. And they're so bad at covering it up. They walk in. They're like, who's this? And he's like, we did not have a dick fucking contest. Which I won, I won that one, but it wouldn't have been. He did not break up with

me for quote, just laying there during sex. That didn't. And why is Elder Rogers sorting his photographs? He's sitting at the table like putting them in different piles. What was he's, because he's got to set up his backstory here. He's, yeah, that's right. And Elder Kelhoon's like, Hey, let me look at your here. He's. Yeah, that's right. And Elder Kelhoon's like, Hey, let me look at your pictures. And in so doing, see directly into your soul. Yeah. Um, this is just a storyboard for your character. Yeah. Sorry. We're going to do photos for you. This would be slightly less lazy than what we had planned. And he looks at

all the photos. And he's like points to this one and he says, this person you're here, you're within this photograph is, is this gentleman important to your back story? And he goes, no, I don't want to talk about that. No, honestly, I wrote in my notes at that point, oh, I don't want to talk about that until the third act, but this movie is not that good. It's not good enough to let that tension percolate through a fucking act. We figure this out by the end of the scene. Right, this is when Van Pelt and Johnson come back. Johnson still hasn't found a cassette player. And also not for nothing, but Elder Van Pelt is an asshole. And also, yes. Yeah, this is the way where he gets onto him for ending a sentence and a fucking preposite. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, he gets mad because the guy says, where are you

from? And he says, we don't dangle partisan. Oh, yeah, right. What? That's not the time. Oh, and you're allowed to end sentence prepositions. Both of the everything's wrong about it. Everything is wrong. Yeah. What a fucking dick. I'm a metapodden mother fucker getting line. So, so he's doing this and I love because Calhoun turns to the other guys, Roger's watch out the room and he's like, Hey, y'all, he seemed a little task turn about telling me his dark backstory. These of me held a Richardson.

Would y'all like to fill me in? And they're like, yeah, it's been a minute. Now the audience is almost certainly forgetting already that that was a plot point. So sure, let me tell you, if we don't fill you in, literally nothing will happen in this movie. It's funny. The biggest thing that happens in this movie happens before this movie in another country. So do you want to go get some bread with me? It will be one of the most things that happens in this movie. Yeah. I wanted to watch scared teenagers go about their daily lives. I would have stayed hidden in the walls of that house. Yeah. So what we learn here is a elder Richardson went home after his mission and fucked Roger's

girlfriend and then married her. And B that this movie is so goddamn boring that yes, we are going to follow them to the bread store and watch them buy bread. Yeah, I mean, that says up such a rich joke later. We'll get to it. The bread thing, they needed to do that for that great, great joke about a mis-translation. So we're right. I mean, it's so good. It's, we'll get to it. I'm excited. Elder Van Pelt shoots his cufflinks more than Joe Pescian good fellas. He is constantly like preening himself anywhere he is. You know how boring this movie is when they went to buy the bread, the YouTube video broke

and another YouTube video came up. I watched the whole ad just for a break. I was like, you know what, I'm not going to skip this ad YouTube. Finally, a chance to learn about Wix. I was going to say, I'm with you and it was for me, it was a peer flicks ad. I watched that. So yeah, which I was watching that one. All right. So meanwhile, back at the house, Johnson, who just got caught telling Cal Hoon Rogers's darkest secrets is trying to like apologize for that. And then

this gets into the whole like whatever happened to you, you such used to be such a more many Mormon conversation that the two have. You know, I gave up that life scene from every action movie. If you ever wished it was about nothing, congratulations. Best of years. There you go. They need a Mormon saying, I'm getting too old for this flip flip. They actually do use a Mormon saying here, I've gotten too old for this flip flip.

They actually do use a Mormon saying here, I think. Can you guys confirm this at one point? He's like, yeah, I learned a long time ago that when you wrestle a pig, it's sexually arousing. It doesn't really come. It's amazing because it's the wrestling pig expression is so and so is like wrestling a pig. You both get covered in shit, but he likes it.

But because they're not allowed to say shit, it's just like when you wrestle a pig, the pig pigs into it. But you, uh, pigs are surprisingly heavy and their gravity is lower to the ground. And picture is a surprisingly good lubricant. Your girlfriend's getting plowed by Richardson right now. Yeah, doesn't need any picture. It's just sliding in there. What I love the most about the pig line, though, is that fucking Rodgers doesn't get it

because this movie so stupid that it has to spell it out. Right. So he says, you know, wrestling with you or argue with you is like wrestling with a pig. Everybody gets dirty, but only you enjoy it. And then Rogers turns to and he goes, what's that supposed to mean? What's that supposed to mean? It's not the riddle of the sphinx. Thank you.

It means you get a pig. See, because pigs are in mud. What the, yeah. Okay, well, I got confused and I thought it was about being sexually roused. I just like, I like that they have this, they finally get to this heart to heart where Johnson's just calling him on his shit. And he's like, do you even have a testimony? And he's like, no, I've got photography now.

It's much better. Yeah. It's a real thing. What, what does that mean? You have a testimony and he's like, no, I've got photography now. It's much better. Yeah. It's a real thing. What, what does that mean? You have a testimony. Is that like, is that like Mormon talk for like Stella's groove and like, I know this is a pretty good example. That's actually way better than anything I would have come up with. I know this one. I want to see if I get it right. I want to see if I get it right. So when the kids are doing the flip charts, they get to a space in the flip charts where the child, the 18 year old child is supposed to tell you how Joseph Smith influenced his life. And so the weird, overwritten script that they've delivered stops and the kid tells you

about a time he was riding his bike and almost got hit by a car. And that's it, right? Is that the testimony? That's, I like it. That's it. I mean, that's part of it. I know that. You nailed part of it.

But there's more. The deep cut is that every, the first Sunday of every month, they have what they call testimony meeting. And instead of boring, like lay people from just from their parish getting up and giving talks, rather than that that they've prepared, all the boring lay people from their parish get up and just cry into the microphone about how much they love Jesus and how much they love Joseph Smith. And it always and it always has the same format, which is I'd like to bear my testimony that I know the church is true and that I know

Joseph Smith was a true prophet and I love our current prophet and that revelation is real and that I'm not supposed to masturbate and I know that Coke is of the devil and like they just literally just And I know that Coke is of the devil and like they just literally just spew this sort of rote thing about what they know to be true. It's the saddest open mic night in the earth. It really is. And at some point I want one of you to go to Mormon church and get up and just start talking because they will let you until they realize what's happening. Now we're gonna fill a buster of hormones.

Look, if you guys pay my bail, I will do that next time we do the Utah show. We don't have to. I just, oh, you've missed a very important point about Mormons. They're passive aggressive. You will get in trouble. They're not right. Tirt cut the mic and like ask you to leave. Well, in Heath's too tall for the trap door or so.

Still, I'm just grabbing it like a cat. You're trying to get into the carrier. I'm just holding on. I'm still doing my testimony. Ice can keep weeping. I'm still leaving. Oh, put more heath treats in. Put more heath treats in.

Doesn't matter. No cheating. I just like, I'm getting back to the scene. I just want to mention that, like speaking of passive aggression, what's really funny is that Rogers has apparently been fucking up for like well over a year now. And this seems to be the first time that Johnson has said anything to him. Yeah, which is so funny. It's like, I't understand why older rogers is such a fuck up I've been passive aggressive at him for more than a year.

I just hope someday he pushes me so far that I actually have to express anything using words ever. Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm dying to know how that bread trip went, right? Just a bread trip. Oh, I believe it's Jesus. That's the bread. Did they not? I don't know.

I was a third of the way through my letter to the makers of this movie. Was there a language barrier with the bread sale? Very, very sad. I don't know who it was. He asked for a circumcised loaf of bread, guys. Yes, instead of slice, what is the value of elder van pelte as a human being at this point? No. Project NA. Seconded.

All right. So, yes. So, Calhoun failed to learn Dutch that day. Hilarious. And guess what? Cal Hoon has a cassette tape player. Johnson orgasms painfully again. Oh, he does a full spit take when he actually does. He does a little spit take. Yes. It's so dumb. He's like, did you say does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does And he's got the tape player, but nobody, including the guys who have lived there for years, has a power adapter. Not without a single power adapter in that house. Right. I have one on my desk right now.

Well, yeah, but then he's like, oh, but it takes batteries, but wouldn't you know what the batteries are dead and the battery store is already closed. Except that he's so, he's gonna go to the store. He's gonna go to the store and he grabs the shoes that are on the, and he puts the grabs the tape out of the tape player. Oh no, he broke the tape. It's so humorous, Jason. It's literally, he steps steps on the only plot we've had so far.

He's with his giant wooden decorative shoes. Yeah. Boy, they were trying. I wanted them to keep going with the like tape shenanigans, this movie just becomes some overly long like heads in a duffle bank thing where it's like we stopped making back. We see an Amsterdam. Now we only use through so power.

If this, I'll tell you, this movie could have saved itself if he just shot himself in the face at some point. And then they just kept going without ever acknowledging it. We see his parents mourning in the background, then trying to wash his blood off the walls, but it's still just to montage music. And then somebody else is like, flip, he killed himself. He gets shot in the face. Come on.

And then it's like a reservoir dog's ending. They all just say, flip and shoot each other and say, all right. So I'm going to take the unusual step here. If just reading the scene cue as Eli wrote it. Normally it'll just be a line of dialogue or a description of where the scene takes place. But in this, for this scene, Eli has written not the beginning of a gay porn just everyone bent over their beds and slow panning over their butts. This is the beginning of some gay porn. I feel like it's the end.

I feel like they're not so much kneeling is presenting their hindquarters to an alpha. Oh, yeah. 100%. The asses are all the way turned out for praying. Is that? Is there like a standard posture in the fucking manual? Do you guys have, do you have to pop it up? I think that's something new to me, I guess. I don't know. I just note there like a dumbass. I don't know if to go all the way down like I was bowing to mecha. Later elder Rogers totally does that. Yeah, like literally. I was gonna ask about that too, dude. Does one guy have to have their face on the ground? It's like the game where one guy's got to be sitting one guy's got to be leaning one guy have to have their face. It's like the game where one guy's got to be

sitting one guy's got to be leaning one guy's got to be standing the whole time. It's like that. It's like when you jump your car, you got to have one on the engine block. At this point in the movie, I had what I think is a pretty major revelation, which is if you're a gay guy with a bathroom fetish, your Mormon mission are your best two years, right? And nobody can poop with the door closed. Everyone's kneeling over. They're stuck with you. I think we talked about this in a past Mormon movie, but can you remind me why you have to lock eyes with everybody while you're shitting when door open as a policy. So one of the only inaccuracies in this movie is that elder Roger keeps bouncing out on people.

That is a cardinal sin to the degree that you can't shit without being in view of your companion. Because, masturbation could happen. You would masturbate 100% and that's not allowed. And let me tell you. I'll still masturbate if% and that's not allowed. And let me tell you, I'll still masturbate if I'm staring at you. I don't see how that stops anything. That was speed it up, exactly, thank you.

I'm sorry, now I get to masturbate and establish dominance. Yeah. I just want to know, like, I want to see the load of seeming that comes out of a dick that where the guy actually didn't masturbate for the entire two years of your rock. Well, apparently it's enough to call out a toilet later in the movie. Okay, so now they have the fallen asleep scene where Tee, he, Calhoun, goes to sleep and is starched white shirt and is, uh, and his blazer. Right.

We get that little like anybody still awake. You guys, you guys want to play a get, you guys heard a docking? You guys want to play fuck Mary Kill or like, sorry, flip, marry, also, marry. Yeah. Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, also, Mary, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, lyrics, but let's, this time, let's try a sad polka. Yeah. You know what?

That's nowhere near enough, tuba. I'm going to need three times to five times the tuba. I've got a fever and the only prescription. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm all for more mental music, but if you're going to pair an accordion with a tuba, why not toss a pherom in there and have Gilbert Godfrey scream the lyrics?

Yeah. I wrote in my notes, music note, we are terrified that you might not know exactly what all these characters are thinking at all times. Yes. And it's the saddest montage ever. It's so dark. It's literally a montage of tying, well, not even tying ties, clipping on ties and Dutch people just like doing eye pokes as they walk past and just be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

and consider what they're failing at here is giving away a free book. Yeah, but people in the Netherlands are educated, so they know I need to take something that somebody's just trying to hand them. Well, and the other, all of the people in this country know who Mormons are except the only other American in the country. Yeah, right. What the hell? And there's this weird point in the montage where there's a lot of like, you know, elder depression is walking down and everything's happening fast behind him. And so they've done this sort of fast motion thing. But like there's one time when elder depression, elder Rogers is turning way too slowly to elder

doofus. And it's like they clearly like while everyone around them is in fast motion, which means that they told him to like turn super slowly while they shot and slow speed. And it ended up being too slow, but they didn't have the budget to redo it to do it again. Yeah, exactly. They think montages are like inception, but they have to like act. Well, I'm sorry, was it just mere was this montage followed immediately by another montage? It was.

Oh, yeah. They were like, did it? D. Shit, more footage, did it? And like any good montage, montage, montage, you shouldn't be able to tell if it takes place over several weeks or a single day. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right.

I also like that this is where we establish elder doofus as elder Roger's support puppy, which I think is cute. And you know, it does give unhope that he's going to come out of that funk yet. Yes, it does. All right. So that montage ends the second one. And we get the regular speed version of the thing they were doing in the montage. God damn it.

So this is the scene where, and it's so hard to like figure out where the scenes break in this way. Apologers, if you guys are catching up with me in the notes, but this is the scene where, and it's so hard to figure out where the scenes break in this way. Apologers, if you guys are catching up with me in the notes, but this is the scene where like Van Pelt makes breakfast for him and Johnson, but Rogers makes an even better breakfast for him and Calhoun. Yeah, it's, it's weird. He only makes breakfast enough for two people in a four person apartment. What a dick.

You have to like, that's hard to do. Yeah. People need to be, that's hard to do. Yes. People need to be independent and make their own food. I'm going to eat what I make. Don't want to spoil you. By the way, the last montage has Rogers coming out of his funk, which means that now, yes, he does the pray all the way to the floor thing, which by the way, sleeper sell, sleeper sell, check his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, his foot, the floor thing, which by the way, sleeper sell, sleeper sell, check his phone number of explosives.

But also like he's suddenly one montage and this guy turns into Julia child. He's got a apron on. He's making. He has been a hardcore asshole to everybody, this whole movie. And now suddenly he's like, I have turned over all of the leaves. I am now perfect. Well, right, because at some point he was sitting there going like, wait a minute, I'm moving at regular speed and everybody else is moving in fast motion. Not going to always signal some type of depression. All right. But now, okay, we get another great comedy

setup, guys. Cal Hoon comes to breakfast, but he's having a piphany. He realized that the reason they're not making new Mormons is because they need to fast. They can't eat until they make more Mormons because you know, the only people better at changing other people's religion than teenagers are hungry teenagers. Yeah. Oh my God. And that is some serious in gratitude. Like this guy makes you, you go

out of his way and makes a gorgeous breakfast for you. And you're like, nah, fuck it. We shouldn't need Jesus told me. Like, fuck you. You didn't even say thank you. So we have the worst fucking job already. We're passing out these books. People throw them right in the garbage. We can see it happen. We can hangry all day while I try to fucking do that. No. You get to have this scene really got to. Well, it was one of those moments where it's like, oh, his efforts went unappreciated back into the depression for you, Elder.

Yeah, right. Well, an Elder Calhoun catches Elder Rogers buying some food a little later. Yeah. And boy does the power dynamic of this duo flip quickly. Right. Right. Elder count, Galhoon first sell to Rogers like he was a black teenager all of a sudden. Oh, yeah.

He goes to DEF CON1 on that one. Yes. Which, I mean, look, I get it. You're mad that the guy went and bought strupe waffles, but to be fair, if your companion was Heath, he would have murdered you by now. Yeah. So I killed the name you. There you go. Problem solved. stroop waffles, but to be fair, if your companion was heath, he would have murdered you by my house. Yeah. So I killed an A.U.

There you go. Problem solved. Yeah. We have a book. I just killed a guy. But yeah, he bats him all the way down and he finds like the waffle and an apple in his pockets and like a syringe of coffee in the heel of his boot. Yeah.

So, but Rogers doesn't get to eat until they make a Mormon. So Roger starts helping him and he hooks him up with this chick that seems pretty interested in Mormonism. She likes Jesus and everything. So eventually she agrees to actually take the book of Mormon and go to the church, but guess what? That was the Mormon Bishop's daughter the whole time. That was just, I see Rogers was fucking with him so he'd get to eat now.

What a, what a weird comedy beat for her to participate in. Right? I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I religion. I'm just fucking kidding. I'm just fucking with you.

I'm supposed to be on your side, but I'm not. So yeah, but they've been striking on all day. Calhoun wants to try one more place before he'll let anybody eat food. And so to his credit, Rodgers is like, how about a place with food? Yeah. So they go to proselytize in a grocery store. And literally, I love that that elder Rogers is like, look, they're stuck there. They fucking have to listen to you. You can't, you can block

the door. They can't get out. Oh, good idea. Right. I could call that. And wouldn't you know it? Calhoun finds that same American guy from before that with the trash and the gum thing. And he thinks his name is Elmer. And to be fair, if I were to try and guess elder fuzz first name, I probably would. Oh, and what's amazing. So he meets him again and he's like, okay, time to get him the fast pitch for Mormonism. Hey, Mormons, if you're listening, I know you are. If you're listening, don't ever give anyone the fast pitch. There was a guy in upstate New York golden plate started his own state, raped a bunch of kids kids got shot trying to escape jail. What?

Would you like to switch religion As he dis book in your hand touch the book touch it And there's a great white god. He actually says that yeah, that's actually what he says is that that's why the Indians say there's a great white God the Indian this movie was made in 2000. Oh my God. And the American guy is the greatest here, because he's just like passively, aggressively like pushing the guy away and like he's picking up anti-mormon grocery items. Yeah, it's all caffeine in the liquor.

He's right. Takes a gay couple off the shelf. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no But he did, he did achieve an amazing accomplishment was that, which was that he pestered a guy into taking a book. So, yep. Go team. But guy finally agreed not to throw it away where he could see him. Yeah. And he's like, give me your number and I'll call you.

Yes. I'm on my space. Actually, it's my name's Tom on my space. You can. All right. So they had home. Cal Hoon is patiently waiting for that hot guy. He met at the grocery store to call him. Oh, this is where I learned that placing the book of Mormon is the tender hookup of. This is where I learned that placing the book of Mormon is the tender hookup of What is up with the ye old timey phone they've gotten their apartment is your number Klondike 423 I had so much trouble placing the time frame of film, right? Because they've got cassette tapes here. Like, so I think it takes place in the 80s. I'm also pretty sure it's a 27 year long movie.

So who knows by the end of it? And, and then he calls and, and he calls and I can't be clear about this. He calls because the people writing this movie were like, guys, it's, it's been like an hour. Not only has nothing happened, but this has just been a vividly honest portrayal of us boring and discouraging children. We need to sell our religion to ourselves a little. Well, but before he he calls though, they all have to gather together in communal prayer. Yeah. Oh my God.

And Elder Johnson is such a cock about it too. He's like, Hey, we can do a prayer right now. And Elder Van Pelt's shaving and he's like, fuck your shaving. Get in here and pray. Get you know, you leave the shaving cream on your face. Yeah. We're doing this right fucking now. What?

And then, and then, you guys have to understand that there are certain things. This wasn't triggering for me, but like the prayer itself was so perfectly Mormon. It started with, and this is a phrase we hear all the time in Mormonism. And I can't imagine a more vapid thing to say to a deity. Dear Heavenly Father, we thank thee for this day. What the fuck are you talking about? Time dimension is crushing it, God. You are so good at that. We are not cool on the nights. We're still trying to get into that. Yeah, that's it.

But the time when the sun's up, we are on it. That is awesome. Big fan of this. Big sister thing today. If the Wednesday didn't show up, I wouldn't know what. Why the fuck Friday? But yeah, but they pray the guy calls and then they all look to the ceiling and it literally plays hallelujah. Wasn't this supposed to be kind of a serious moment for this gag comedy hallelujah thing?

But that's the thing that, honestly, are we sure that they know that that's gag comedy when everybody looks up and says hallelujah? Cause like if it's a religion conversion that you're talking about, it doesn't make sense ironically, right? Oh, this whole movie is just being like, that is the joke you see. If someone had knocked on my door as I was watching this movie and it had been the writers of this movie and they'd been like, hey, I just want to make sure you didn't miss it. They think hallelujah because it's kind of like a miracle

that they had someone call them back when they wanted them to call them back. Do you have any caffeine-free coke in your fridge? What are you saying in there? Kind of in between homes right now. Can I shit in your bathroom? Because mine does not work. I just wonder if maybe they're on a higher plane of humor where both the set up and the punchline are the same thing.

The Heath and Wright School of Humor. A known lie. You mean genius. Thank you. All right. So I guess while we ponder the nature of deep humor, we're going to take a quick break. But I'm going to give act three the hard sell first. Will the gang trick any Dutch people into Mormonism?

Will Van Pelten Johnson cut the tension and fuck already? Just how bad were the other years? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the reluctant conclusion of the best two years. Welcome, Elder Doug. Boy, I'm sure excited. We know you are, not nervous, are you? Maybe a little. As long as I've got my best girl at home though, all always. Sorry, are you Elder Doug? I am. I accidentally opened your mail. Oh, here it's a letter. She's leaving me for my dad. Hello, special delivery. Are you elder, Doug? I am, but now's not a good day. Here you go, kid. It's a wedding

invitation. She's marrying my dad. Oh, that's rough. It's probably best you don't open that carrier pension. I mean, how much worse could it... Photover getting railed by your dad? Yeah. Oh, it's so. Roth. Can I get it? One I'm done.

And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off Calhoun had finally sucker somebody and a listen to his pitch and we're going to pick up the action with them game planning how to switch his religion. Now, I want to point out we had an interstitial, his movie didn't, but they still felt the need to open this scene with them going like, Hey, we're about to try to switch this guy's religion. We should get a plan for that. Don't let our podcast break confuse you into thinking that this movie doesn't submit itself up every 44 seconds. All right.

Mental guy. What's going on now? Yeah. Yeah. Well, and they do it by having them go into this. They do it by having them go into this. They do it by having them go into this teenage girl. Oh my god, oh my god, he's coming. Oh, he's so hot. Oh my god. Yes. I wanted so badly for this guy to show up in a ball gag with like, thank you for, oh, we've actually been talking about the book of Mormon for two weeks.

Oh, I thought I was told my dad. Oh, and so since we've already had the fucking set up list punchlines, let's have some punchline list setups too. How about the bathroom smells like poop? Oh my God. Yeah, they've left. We've cleaned the apartment for you. I don't think you can claim that you've cleaned an apartment if the toilet is still stopped.

Hey guys, we cleaned up, you know, except for the spoiled abortion in the toilet. Cleaned the, uh, nine tenths of the apartment, so technically legally speaking, I cleaned the apartment. The apartment. More than my fair share. Really. Yeah. Oh my God.

And Elder Calhoun sits down and looks up and go with those puppy eyes and goes, my first discussion. He has announced my first blank for everything he has experienced so far in the movie. My first book of Mormon, my first discussion, my first boner that wasn't for my sister. Like somebody needs to tell these writers that no matter how excited you are, nobody ever announces my first anything that doesn't happen in life. Nobody does that. All right, well, I lost my virginity wrong. Yeah, I took Noah's virginity wrong. Yeah, I don't really. All right.

Yeah, but I took Noah's virginity wrong. I took out an ad in the New York Times for that. It was a big deal. All right. So the American guy shows up. He's an optometrist, guys. No, no, no reason. And he, at first, I thought this was going to be great because at first, he's just there

because he's like, yeah, you gave me a Dutch book, even though I told you I didn't speak Dutch. So this is useless. And I thought he was just going to leave after that. What's going to be great? Ha ha ha. He didn't want to throw this away. I'm not quite sure how many of these you, oh, you have a lot. I'll throw this in the garbage.

Oh, he was going to leave. But listen, elder Rogers is back, baby. Time for the hard sell. ABC always be converting post office. Decaf is. I love elder Rogers here too, because he's like, listen, just fucking relax. You don't bear your testimony until the moment's right. It's just like taking your dick out.

I will signal you for both of those things. That's okay. Elder CK can show me what to do. Nope. Don't go by him. Don't. Don't do that. All right.

So now the way this is going to break down, I do believe is that Elder. Don't. Don't do that. All right. So now the way this is going to break down, I do believe is that Elder Rogers is going to tell him the pitch. And then I guess Elder Calhoun is going to follow along in the Joseph Smith pop up book that he has. And this is very important. This is why you are never nice to those missionary kids. I made this mistake. I was like, oh, look at the hot little teenagers. Not physically it was summer. We buy you a Starbucks and then I immediately regretted it as they walked me through this goddamn religion time share. Yeah, it's just because they even like hand them the Bible and say, could you read this passage? Like, no, yes.

No, you already know what it says. And I don't give a fuck. You read it. Oh, also, Uncle Doug, very important. Do they teach you to pause if the person doesn't comply? Because when my teenagers did this, I was like, ah, no, it's okay guys. Just drink your frappuccinos. They just held perfectly still until I started reading know how to start reading out of my mouth.

It is like a high pressure sales technique. And everything that Elder Roger says going forward here with this intense sincerity is scripted. Yes. I can say exactly what he said from my memory in Spanish. I am not here to say. Yeah. It's every word of that was scripted. exactly what he said from my memory in Spanish. I am not here to do. Yeah, it's every word of that was scripted.

It's like, yeah. Is that what they're talking about when they say flip charts, by the way, is that like a flow chart? Yeah, exactly. Cause like when he said flip charts, I was like, all right, punch him in the face. He said, right, no, I thought I was gonna be a fuck chart. Yeah, exactly.

But yeah, I thought it would be a fuck chart. Are there more in a fuck charts also? Okay, I'm sorry. Wait, when you only have one position, you don't need a chart. You need a chart for your wife's missionary position. Just sit down and toil it with the fucking bathroom door open. No, I'm sorry. I was more of a missionary position. Okay, so I also have a question regarding the, uh, the script here. Does it actually say asterisk tear up asterisk at some point? Oh, God. Yes. You become so adroit at turning on the waterworks. You can switch it on and off

like a light switch. Oh, see, well, I hate to counter the expert here, but my kid was so much worse that this, he'd been told to slow down, but was entirely without emotion because he'd been walking around in the sun all day. So when he got to this part, he just slowed down as though he thought this was the same as crying. So he just like ran down like you from the not a bad or yeah. You're counting out loud. What do you want to finish your caramel frappuccino, buddy? Nine. So black people. I just like to what we learned from Eli is that he finds people who are like having heat stroke and he buys them hot drinks.

I think that's cheap. Fract, you know? Okay, fine. Fucking savage. Can I just say, can I just say by the way that crying is like like, if you go to a Mormon church on the fast and testimony meeting that I was talking about earlier when got people go up and they bear their testimony. And it's like socially not only acceptable, but like sort of required to cry.

Men who have not shown any emotion to their children, their entire lives, men who have not hugged or even like broken a smile in front of their family, break down in tears in front of everybody in their church to talk about how much they love Joseph Smith. Glenn Beck. Oh, fuck yeah. So, so good fathers, you're talking about good fathers. I can't. It's the world series, but for Mormons, I can't.

Yes. Oh my goodness. So funny is that, yes, elder, elder Rogers, which for whom, by the way, sincerity is not a good look. He turns on the waterworks and then the other fucking guy, the guy that they're teaching starts crying. And I was like, Oh, dude, this guy is right for Mormonism. Right.

Yeah, it's bound to his religion. He's following the human white actor knows like it's said in the script, cry, but he has no fucking idea why a adult let's start crying and he went in the woods and asked Jesus pretty please. But he's just bewildered. He's bewildered crying. Yeah, it is no one no one could possibly cry at what was what we were just presented at. But boy, does he ever, they could have been tears of fear because he was being held against his will.

And it could have been that. As motivated as anything else he does for the rest of the movie, I mean, he does kind of look like the guy in Get Out. And like he's got that same stuff. Right. Yeah. Maybe he's just like in a spoon. Guys, I'm baptizing myself with my fucking tear ducts.

If this will make it so quicker, holy shit. Mormonism is just like reverse get out. It's like white people trying to escape. All right. So meanwhile downstairs Johnson has got batteries for that fucking cassette player, but he has to wait until they're done mormoning the optometrist before he can come up and it's taken to flip and long.

Also, can I just point out, he stepped on that tape with a wooden clog, it's broken. They fixed that how? Yeah. Where? And a tape fixing store. Yeah, you know, it's a technology that only the Dutch have.

The Dutchers for you. Sorry, for the people who aren't 40, you hear me out. You took a pencil, you know, I can't do it. I can't do it. There was a pencil involved. Ask your grandpa. If it was just the tape coming out of the thing, that's one thing, but the plastic was broken.

The plastic powder. And you melt it down and then it comes together like the liquid metal guy. Yeah, technology. Well, there you go. Terminator two. All right, so this is also the part of the show where the flip thing is coming to a head.

Like I'm just like, that's finally gonna resolve in the blood bath that we've been waiting for. The physical violence in this scene is upsetting. Yes. It's supposed to be comedic, but it verges on serious physical harm. Yeah. Yeah, like when he grabs his face, when they're out of time, he just like smashes his hands so aggressively into Johnson's face.

And I just I really wanted a big fight to break out because that's what would have to happen. And then like Amsterdam cops show up and just like swaddled them in blankets or whatever they do. And I thought this was America. I thought this is America. So we cut back upstairs and I love to say they like they're about to get into a fight for over the flip thing, but we cut back upstairs and the optometrist is giving all of those unrequited anyways that you give, you know, he just keeps like inching closer to the door. Okay. So you got a book. Hi, great. Okay.

So you guys want to help me move this couch and other foot towards the door? There is a moment where elder Calhoun, where he's inching his way to the door and elder Calhoun who has not been allowed to speak on pain of death by elder Rogers, finally gets right up in this dude's grill. And it's just like, Hey, have you ever pondered why you're here and where you came from and where you're going? And it feels super menacing. I'm not sure what they were going for,

but it feels like he's about to shoot the guy. Well, yeah, I'm sorry. Anybody can write up in my face and say, if you ever thought about when you're gonna die, yeah, that comes off as a threat. Yeah, don't go in our bathroom. Have you ever considered your mortality? Yeah, personal space was not in the budget of this film.

Yeah. But dammit what, you know, just as they're about to talk about it coming back to get even more and more modernized tomorrow, Johnson says flip again and vampire punches him and now they're chasing each other and there's just wacky shenanigans everywhere. These characters have been relatively calm and normal through the entire movie, but in order for literally anything to happen for in this scene to end They like done clown makeup and giant red wigs and start hitting each other with tiny cars. It's a fucking nightmare Just as a setup to another joke scene that won't matter. Right. Yeah, just as the setup is okay Now the apartment has to be dirty so that when the mission president comes over, it'll be very embarrassing. But the apartment's not just dirty. The table is knocked over. The couch

is upended. The shelves are knocked down. Like, we didn't even get to see that happen. That would all be on the movie. There was, there was one moment where the, uh, the elders who have been teaching this guy, the lessons have taken him down to the street level. And we hear the other two elders who are like in the fight screaming upstairs. And I was so hoping that someone was going to go out the window and land at their feet. I thought it was anywhere. They were setting it up.

But instead they just go back up to the room and he's got the guy hog tied and yelling, squeal like a pig, you got a birdie mouth. Yes. It's also that they needed a second take. That was not comedy screaming, right? No. There's lots of ways to do comedies, but instead, like the only way for this to be a more off-putting and horrifying is if he was actually

streaming the words he's raping. That's the only way that this could be less comedic. That would have been way more comedic, okay. So yeah, but then the mission president shows up and they're all very embarrassing and then they get there, they get, they get a chewed out for the very embarrassing and then they get, they get, they get, they get chewed out for the apartment being a mess. The president goes down the line and gives them spiritual prescriptions or something. We don't really know who this guy is. He has not been developed. It also happens. You guys know enough to know who he is. Yeah, but no one ever says, oh, it's the mission president from the beginning of the movie that the fuck it. They set it up like, they set it up like he's a mob boss totally.

He shows up and he's like, oh, you guys better shape the fuck up. One one nothing to happen to you. Yeah, his intro is stepping out of that like ominous car, just like a boot stepping into a little puddle. And then he like drops a cigarette into some gasoline and the car explodes. And he looks away. I wanted him so badly to just do all the lines of the wolf from pulp fiction, right? Yeah. We've sugar on top, change more people's religions. Yeah.

Like, even his mannerisms once he gets in there, right? Like, because he's getting on to elder Rogers for not writing his mom more letters. He says, I promised her she'd get a letter every week and he leans in real close and goes, you wouldn't want to make a flipping line around me. Would just. It's so menacing. And then what is that now you see me bullshit with the broken photo on the ground? So the mission president goes to pick it up and the elder, uh, Van Derp takes

it from him. The president takes it back. So you, you, you put a picture of you with the mission president underneath the picture of that single mom on the other side of that picture of that old geriatric manager in case of what? What's the point? That means one of these guys keeps an eight by 11 photo of himself with the boss on his person at all times in case he has to do this. He's just like, he's, he can't go, okay. So you know how you're not allowed to have a photo of the fully clothed woman? Okay, you're following along, you're great. I need a backup underneath picture to my secret. Oh, you do

this a lot. You have a package. Three. Oh, this is great. This is awesome. Did we even set up the fact that elder van girlfriends has three pictures of girlfriends on the wall, which he then flips around and it's the Mormon prophet and stuff on the other side. We have not. No, it's worthless. It's stupid, but like that's a gag they've been trying to squeeze any kind of joy out of the entire film. Well, and it's especially funny when you don't know who those three old guys are and you've already picked up on the fact that this character is gay.

Right. I am not into the ladies, but geriatric gentlemen. Yeah, but I like older fellows. All right. So the president leaves, they all have their I am Spartacus. It's my fault that the table is broken moment or whatever. So the president leaves Johnson becomes a big mopey bitch. He wants to listen to his tape, damn it.

But wouldn't you know it? Just as he starts listening to the tape, they get a phone call from the mission president, who again, this is the 80s. So got out of his car and went to a pay phone to call upstairs to tell him to come down. So who the fuck knows? Be like, it kind of undoes the whole power dynamic. If I run in and I have to be like, sorry, one last thing. I get it dramatically. It's better for him to call.

It did feel a little menacing. Like, oh, by the way, the mission president wants you go down to his car, which by the way, anyone in a position of power in religion, as any of us who have studied this thing knows, that dude's gotten a BJ. Oh, yeah. Like that's that is what is happening. You are being called down. It is your turn. You have to actually now you have to service this guy and it's never explained why he has to go down to the car. No, it isn't. He just comes up upset. Yeah, exactly. No, it's explained. Well, no, he has to go down to the car because that way they can start listening to the tape that his girlfriend sent midway through. Obviously, that's what that was. Okay.

Well, we're finally, we're at the scene. So I want to talk about it. Doug, Dan is Utah just musical chairs with vaginas. The woman women not have object permanent. Why is he not into this movie about someone's feeling your vagina like it's your fairy gold? What the fuck? I don't know all I can say is that that happened to me. I just love, here's what I love. First of all, the scene starts with Elder Johnson listening to the tape and fucking loving it. He is listening as though this is fucking comedy gold. I am my girlfriend is the funniest shit ever. And then he has to leave the apartment and then they decide

like Dix to listen to his tape. And that's when they hear her say, basically, oh, I stopped recording that three weeks ago. And now this is the part where I'm breaking up with you because I'm fucking this other guy. Well, first of all, start a fresh fucking tape, lady. That's what I think. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That is what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I did, I did the first half of Eddie Murphy's raw. I feel like I feel like I really nailed that performance for you. But I, I actually married Warren Jeff's his, his future looks bright. All right. So some time later, Johnson's apologizing for just not being that endamormoning since the love of his life was stolen from him and his heart was crushed beneath her heels.

My notes from this point on are just the remaining runtime of the movie. So you guys might have to jump in a little bit. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no, I'm sorry. This is another one of this exciting reading numbers into a phone scene, isn't it, that we're going into? Yeah, because he's now, you see the guy who was bad, that the numbers is good, them, and the guy who's good.

The numbers. What a bad, dramatic role reversal. I would say these characters have quite the arc. Oh, good. Oh, so this is such a minor thing, but Rogers has a picture of Jesus hanging up on his mirror, the entire movie, and it's the most aggressive fucking Jesus. He looks like a boomer veteran's war picture.

I love it. He looks like he's like Jesus with like, canthropy or something. Oh my God. And this is where we get another montage. Number 32, I do believe. the three. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. really good baseball player, but like getting out of like the way he plays 70% of the time.

Yeah. And the only person who lets in these fascist-looking creeps is a holocaust survivor in an Alzheimer's phase because they wave a little vice in front of her. Yes. That is the secret signal. Come on. Let's point some Nazis. Yeah. So, hey, old lady, we know you're, you live in the gorgias flowers, but here are some white weeds I picked from your next door neighbors. Yeah, we killed something for you. Also, there was a weird moment in this montage. We're right in the middle of it. They convinced Calhoun to eat a fish's head on a dare or something. Again, like the problem is you can't talk about fucking or anything that matters. So if you've got a movie called The Best Two Years, the fun you can reflect is like,

I ate a food I wasn't entirely used to. The best two years. The best two years. Please don't kill yourself while you're under our care. The best to yeah. We don't track those numbers. Oh, God, every montage is longer than the last one. Well, and this montage is so painfully sincere now and that now they're going, and of course, every Mormon movie ever has to have a montage of doors being shut in their faces because that's just how it, but it feels in this one

like the missionaries start to like it after a while. I think I think there have got to be some guys out there who can't come until their wife has rejected a book of Mormon from them. I think there's got to be a ton of like refusal fantasy play going on right now. Come on, honey. It's a Thursday. Just shut the door in my face. One more. Mitt Romney slamming her door on his balls. Renewed it. Did you guys notice? Was Elder Johnson going to beat up that happy couple on the street? There. Oh my God. He went up.

Yes. That shows up in the montage as well. I mean, I've walked around with Heath. So I'm kind of used to it, but I'm just saying. He sees a woman and has to be stopped from assaulting her. This is the, this is how his depression is playing out. Well, and then of course, by the end of the montage, I'm a happy person. And of course, by the end of the montage, Rodgers and Kell Hun have set the record for the most books of Mormon ever placed. And I'm just like, I know an alien Honduras.

Yes. There's a dumpster insane page of some the break that record. I just destroyed it. All right, so the montage finally comes to close and Johnson's getting another call about how much better Cal Hoon and Rogers are than than his team at the numbers. Yes, this is conversation about numbers. Number five, I believe in the movie. Guys, I know where this is going. Cal Hoon's going to go home and fuck Roger's mom?

Well, but so I love another way that they kind of like tip their hands at how pointless all this is is that one guy's like, yeah, we only proselytized for 18 hours and we only had nine conversations or whatever, zero conversion, zero baptisms. And the other guys, they're like, yeah, they had 64 hours and they knocked on 5,000 doors and they talked to 1800 people, zero conversions, zero baptisms, right? So yes, might as well take some fucking pictures of a Holland while you're there. Jesus, okay. So, um, Johnson's girlfriend is married now. This is the day of the big wedding. His girlfriend is having sex with her new husband. So he's pretty super depressed. The worst pep doc ever. He's like, what do you think she's doing right now? And he's

like, well, it's a 9 30 at night. So I'd say being filled with cum. Don't just sort of lie in there. I could tell you when things she's not doing walking straight. Should we watch the videotape she sent it just arrived. Of her wedding night, not with you. And so of course now we have the role reversal where Johnson has Rogers' lines and Rogers has Johnson's lines. They play out the same goddamn scene they had earlier just but with a swap and who's saying what? Yep

Anyway, so yeah, the Rogers gives him a little pep talk and I Guess then he snaps out of his suicidal depression because Roger says Jesus right Hey, man, there's there's like 11 minutes left I knew I do there's surprisingly there's like 11 minutes left in the room. I'm gonna snap out of your funk. I do. I do. There's surprisingly few credits, which is very disappointing. Anyone who might be viewing this.

But yeah, I'm okay now. I'm all better. Come on, man. Little perspective. What's more important? Losing the love of your life or dunking and expat optometrist and water one time? No, I'm seriously asking. I'm asking. What am I going to do? Quit the religion and open a bar?

Come on. And why is Van Pelt dressed like the bad guy from an 80s movie that just inherited the ski resort in this scene? I had the same joke. It was like he's either super gay or he's the villain of an 80s. No, he's super gay As a matter of fact, he takes Calhoun out on a date and then fucking elder Rodgers looks at him and says don't corrupt him Like what are we doing here?

The fruit can't hang that low for us. What's happening? The deleted scenes are amazing It's an iron rod that leads to this you didn't read the book of Mormon listener that's why you didn't get my hilarious joke just now it's a metaphor it's about seven hundred fifty pages long it was great if you go back into the archives you'll find what I've been doing with my life for two hundred percent all right so yeah so they all that oh, the optometrist shows up. He's early for their Mormon meeting because he wants to go all the fucking way with them. And he's like, and every like he shows up and everybody's like, quick, hide all the whatever the

fuck Mormon missionaries would need to. No, they scatter about like when someone is coming over to read their meth lab. Yeah, quick. Get all the naked women who are cutting the coke back into the back room. Yeah, right. Quick, flush the. Like the toilet.

The toilet stopped up. All right. And I love to think because the guy says down don't with them. He's like, Hey, man, I actually want to go ahead and get baptized. And Calhounco, what do we do now? And Roger goes, I don't know, man, I've been here for two years and I've literally never gotten this close to having any reason for it. She's a old and then and then they have the the moment where he's there.

They're saying, oh, would you like, oh, they're so and so to baptize you? And the guy goes, Elder Rogers, would you accept this rose and baptize me? And he has, I think he comes in his pants. I think he has the most orgasmic look on his face that you could possibly have. It's a tulip, Dan Nutteros. It's a two-lipped in, not arrows. That's true. No, no, because they're in Holland, but he's an American. So, no, no, that's true. All right. So, yeah. And when I love about this, is that he's like, well, Elder Rogers, I assume that you would baptize me. And Elder Rogers is just like, oh, my God, I can't believe you asked me to be your best man. But like,

for the optometrist, it's got to be like, why wouldn't it be the person I've been talking to and know this? You're right. Like that would you, I feel like he was just going like, well, logically, wouldn't it be you? Yeah, I don't think he was like offering any big fucking thing. But yeah, Rogers certainly takes it like he just offered him half of the best friend bracelet. And I love Rogers goodbye here.

He's like, Hey, um, a bunch of people. I mean, a bunch are gonna bring up really, really good reasons to not do this. Please don't, just don't, okay? Well, he literally says, I promise you'll never regret being a Mormon. And now about that wine that you like. Well, he literally says, I promise you'll never regret being a Mormon. And now about that wine that you like. Well, many leaves and like Calhoun and Rogers are so excited that the embrace one another, but then Van Pelt and Johnson come in and see him hugging like a couple of home sexuals. I'm embarrassing for them.

Do normal human hugs end up with two people pressing all of their faces against each other guys. Do when you mean it, Doug. Thank you. Two votes. We're normal. You're the weird one. I can confirm. Yes.

Thank you. All right. So now it's time to baptize the fucking optometrist, but guess what? They still We're going to be good. I'm going to be good. Confirmed. Yes. Thank you. All right. So now it's time to baptize the fucking optometrist, but guess what? They still had some unused B-roll. So we first have to bike to the place where they're good at two. This movie was aware of how ready I was for it to be over. And it was like, oh, no, they can't baptize them before they all have lunch in real time.

I have never pressed the time stamp button more. I'm trying to. Oh my God. And I've froze stuff on YouTube for porn. Like I have never pressed the time stamp button more often. So yes, so they, they, I love to the baptism scene, which is so anti-climactic. It's what the whole fucking movie was about, apparently. And they're like, are you ready to get baptized? The guy nods like he's in a soap commercial and just rejected brand acts.

They don't come. That's done. Yeah. Question. If a, like, if a Catholic priest ran in at that point and titled Kyle into the water, does he steal the baptism? Does that ever happen? Oh, actually, all he has to do is sprinkle from the, from the moving car. Yeah. Kyle into the water. Does he steal the baptism? Does that ever happen? Woo.

Actually, all he has to do is sprinkle from the moving car. Yeah, right. He's like, right. Shoot him with a super soak or anything like that. You guys. That's why the staff is so important. You got to have the staff for steals. Follow a question asking for a friend if you wanted to kill yourself in a humorous way.

So you ask for a friend if you wanted to kill yourself in a humorous way. So you ask for a bad guy here and then you just breathe in really hard while you're out of water. What do they think happened? They'll still count it. Oh, yeah. Hey, they get another number for their statistics. You get to go to heaven forever. This is a win win on all fritters. It's a great prank. I get to be dead. I think it's good. I'm not saying I've got a plan, but I've got a plan.

They don't even have to, they don't even have to bury you. They can just let you float down there. Yeah, right. There's somebody else's problem then. Also, by the way, in this scene, there's a windmill in the background again, where the Netherlands and this is my favorite. They literally tilted at windmill. They did. I want to add that to best worst. This is best worst accidentally getting ridiculed by

the setting of your own. Like a Mormon baptism in a Mormon movie was literally tilting. It's the best fucking message they didn't mean to have. All right. So now that's over. The elder Rogers is at the train station. He's about to head home to his divorced family and the girlfriend that rejected him. There's a weird moment here where if I'm not mistaken, Elder Johnson suggests that he may date Elder Van Pelt's six-year-old

sister. Absolutely. That is what happens. He's like, uh, and he leads and he's like, yeah, he's got a six-year-old sister. And they're just like, cool. She's writing letters to him. Why is a six-year-old girl writing letters to a 20 year old single man? Yeah. Oh, oh, Mormonism, right. Right. Right. Yeah. Gearing up, gearing up for a few more years down the road when they would be nine.

Yeah. Which is 11. All right. And now even Van Belt says flip the joke as come full circle guys. You didn't think they could ring anymore humor out of that and you were correct How you end a movie and John's and Johnson chases man pelt around to hit him It it's the most embarrassing thing. I've ever seen two theoretically adult men do like they're they look like they're 12 Yeah, it's and but it's 12. Yeah. It's, and but it's the perfect thing. It's that's that is the delayed the arrested development that Mormonism inflicts on it. Yeah. Fucking that six year old a little bit less terrible.

Yeah. Well, and then they have this scene again to show you how lazy the fucking writers are right. So this is the scene where Calhoun and, uh, and Rogers are going to part ways. The whole movie was about them being buddy Mormons or whatever. And so Calhoun is, or Rogers has bought Calhoun a gift on his way out. Now any fucking movie writer worth 13 cents would have set something up at some point in the movie for him to give to Calhoun Calhoun would have hold on. Hold on, hold on. You missed why they did the whole optometrist thing?

Because it was that also was actually really my God. They loved it. You're right. It was a setup so that he could give Elder Calhoun much uglier glasses. That was his present. I see. Your present is glassware. I see. Your present is glowy wear.

I've come to you. Sneaked. Nailed it. Nailed it. I'm going to have to watch it again. Yeah. Don't do it. I might by literally these are my last four notes.

The last four sentences in my notes. Is it not over? I'm pretty sure it's over okay it's over fuck but it's over it did finally and Jesus all right well I guess the title of the movie makes the closing question fairly obvious even if I really don't want to hear the answer so before we purge this flick from our collective memories, I ask you this. What the hell was the writer of this movie doing during his worst two years?

Now he's a 9-11 first responder. I think it's realizing that he could have spent those best two years in hall and smoking weed and banging prostitutes. Well, provost nice. No, probably is nice. Lovely. I think it was just, look, being a Mormon is just like the movie office space where he says every, every year, every day is worse than the day before.

It's just, it's just whatever he was doing the last year in the year before that. It's just every year by definition, by definition, it just moves one year further. At the time it was the worst two years, but now, I'm going to take it one step further, the worst two years were the same two years. They were the best of times they were the worst. We'll need two years of this existence. All right. Well, Doug, Dan, we're almost done with you here. But if our audience isn't, where they, where can they go to find more of you guys? Now, well, I don't, I don't know if your audience is familiar with the medium of

podcasting, but if they are, they will know if your audience is familiar with the medium of podcasting, but if they are, they will know where to go and find the how to heretic, which is a, is a show that we do. And you can find us on the web as well, how to heretic.com and all of the Tweety things and stuff. We're out there. I don't know. HTH.

All right. I'm skipping. It's more like H2H, but yeah. So and of course, if all of that seems too complicated, you will find the show link in our show notes as well. Guys, thanks so much for helping us so work our way through this piece of shit and understand what we were seeing. Absolutely.

And, well, that's going to do it for our review of the best two years. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still haven't wrapped up with these momo so Eli, tell us what's on deck. How rare a possession. Is that the last movie and Mormon movie month at least that's the last man on the moment. Decay. So we do get to end on a high note sort of. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 200 to a merciful close. Once again, he used thanks to Doug and Dan for hanging out with us today to hear more from them. Click the handy link on the show notes or look for how to her

a tick wherever you found this podcast. Also, I'll perhaps even huge your thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating aid, the citation dated and the skeptic ride available on iTunes and wherever sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows that's getting any of the citation data and the skeptic are available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff from movies.gmail.com, leave a little services for this podcast, provided by the offices of P.N. Retours, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotny, GoVevil, Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed

by our audio engineer, Morgon Clark, and was used with provision. Thanks again for giving us a checkier of life this week for Heathen, right, Neelyl, and Bostak. I'm Noel Luciens, promise to work harder in another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club, Clothes. Mormons were banned from the Netherlands after the flip game escalated way too far and

led to a series of manslars. Elder Rogers went home and fucked the girlfriends up every Mormon missionary in a heart. Elder Van Pelt was out of the closet the whole time. All four of the missionaries died the instant this movie ended, thus providing the only logical explanation for the title. all the way down to doodly to one. Boom. Boom. Oh, I'm sorry. Doug was first there. Doug was. Doug was there before any of you. I've been here the whole time.

Yeah, I'm even here. I mean, Doug had his little cursor on there. You guys didn't have cursor. I showed up. I was already on the next one, because I'm not in this one. That's fine. I'm not in this one.

I know you were doing the recording. I didn't know about the cursor thing. Remember, like, I'm going to tell you, I feel like I could have been there fast. Nobody told me about the cursor thing. I'm gonna tell you. I feel like I could have been there fast. Nobody told me about the cursor thing though. He like cheats of board games. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.

Thank you.