God Awful Movies - 201: How Rare a Possession

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "How Rare a Possession", the story of the world's third least rare possession, which somehow manages to be its least valuable. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So we got to a building that boat that they crossed the Atlantic with back in 400 CE. And I just want to say right now that boat didn't look as tight as a dish. I said I'm not even sorry, not even close to his tight as a dish. The thing was loose as a plate, that was fucking historically inaccurate. Yeah. Loses of plate is how we street harass people at a fiat conventions, by the way. Oh, what's going on, boy? You look loose as a plate?

Why Seth doesn't talk to us anymore. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. movie Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because none of us wants to be the first to cry Uncle apparently I'm your host Noah lose Is that all that took no I'm tapping.

Are you looking at me? I'm tapping. If you shit, that's tapping. Just make sure you tap elsewhere later. Anyway, I'm your host, no illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left. Is my good friend Heath? Then right, Heath, welcome back, sir. Thanks, Noah.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast. At least you tried tapping out there. You never know until you try and That other laugh you heard that's coming from 900 miles to my northeast and from my bad friend Eli Posnigila. How are you this fine? afternoon, sir? Oh Sorry Noah. I was just reading the most entertaining form of entertainment. Oh, I'm reading reading reading. I believe you too, it then. Yeah, just leave a blank for me to do another 20 or 30 minutes of this comedy go reading. Yeah. All right.

Turn a page. So, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today. We watched how rare a possession and that rare possession, by the way, is the book you can get for free by looking in any trash can in any park, anywhere that you see Mormon people harassing strangers. It's a Mormon movie about a Mormon guy. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love people quietly reading, but you wish you'd have the sound cues of discovering the lost treasure of Shangri-la, you will love this movie. This entire movie, by the way, this entire movie, spoiler alert, is...

So I found this book and I was like wonder what's he read he reads into movie yes yes he reads in the god damn movie all right so now before we get out to all the reading I want to warn the audience ahead of time because I feel like they're going to have kind of the same experience listening to this episode as I had watching the movie minus the mind numbing boredom, hopefully, but this movie starts off with like the history of Mormonism and Joseph Smith finding the golden plates, and I'm like, fuck, we've done almost exactly this movie at least twice, right?

But pretty early on, it takes a hard right turn into some new crazy. So if you're thinking as we open up this movie, this again, trust me, it is not again. Nope. Nope. We can say one thing about this movie. It is original. Yeah. Exactly. Buckle in. It's different. That's the most complimentary thing I can say as well. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Best worst reading and walking.

And walking. They made a movie about those two verbs. This movie is the story of this. That was me reading and also this. I walked around. Oh, it's an entire movie about a guy who reads walks and becomes a Mormon. Oh, he reads about walking. He walks about reading. It doesn't make any sense.

Keith, it's about two guys. It's about two guys who read and walk. Well, that's true. That's true. You're right. No, good point. And on that, no, we're living with the breakfast. I got one too. I got one too. I was going to go with best worse half-assing the period piece. Yes. There was, I mean, it was amazing, right? Because if it was

small, it was period. But if it was, like, they'd have like this, you know, whatever mid-century modern home, but there would be cows out in front driving in the line. And they'd be like, no, it's old, y'all. Look at that Cassia watch he's got on. They don't even make those no more. That's cool. Look, it's the ancient Israeli desert because everyone has a tower. It's the sound of dial up. That's old. It's the sound of dial up. That's old. Let's all listen to the dial up sound for a while. While we're ready to find it. That CD's only got 500 free hours. AOL on it. Come on, people. Okay, so I was going to go with best worst accent. Okay. There is an absolutely golden opportunity in this moment. Look, you know, we don't get to make fun of a lot of things in these torrid, unstable

times, but Italians are still safer for us. And this movie opens that up wide and this guy's Italian accent is halfway, like if you guy was doing a mean impersonation of an Italian person and then you injected in with the drug they killed prisoners with. That's the accent of that. I said to my father, wow, but it was so bad. I expected him to start yelling at you to get out of the sketch, right? All right.

Well, this movie features multiple characters enthralled by the wisdom contained in the book of Mormons. So we're going to pause to give everybody plenty of time to stretch out that suspension of disbelief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the unverified claims that are how rare a possession. You know, here on the podcast, all jokes aside, we pride ourselves on being a welcoming and open community. However, we're not going to pass up on a chance when we've got it. So here at God off, when movies were

pleased to present racism against Italian people that won't get us in trouble. I'm Italian. Yeah, because Italian, Italy. And now, back to the show. That's good. You guys like a reading? And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off in the Americas. Circa Joseph Smith, Goddamn imagination.

Just the Americas, one of the many Americas. My notes are, where in the Americas, name an America too slow. And correct me if I'm wrong, we get a cold open on a, uh, Mormon guy with a popsicle. I was, I was having it. Did I miss something in the book of Mormon? Was that a popsicle. I was, I was having it. Did I miss something in the book of Mormon? Was that a popsicle moment? That whole profile scene was really bizarre to me. Or it was a dick.

It's one of the other. Yeah. It's a dick. Right. Right. Exactly. We're being nice going popsicle. Yeah.

To the Mormons. That or they think you put something that you engrave golden plates with in your mouth like a baton. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe could be that. Yeah. So a dick. All right. So that, but that's what we're seeing. We're seeing Maroni writing out the last of the golden plates and narrating the beginning of the movie. Tell us about how he's all alone and all the white people are gone. And he doesn't have anything against the black people, but he doesn't just he just doesn't get their music.

Oh, I hate how much I knew about this sequence. Right. I miss. Remember Mormon, tacklers, when we'd be like, what does that mean? Who's that? What's that over there? Now we're just like, oh, so technically, you know, the thing with this is, he's got at least a nonsense.

They're way too much. So now Parley had us being told by Hiram Smith about the anti Nephi Lee God damn it. I'm going. So yeah, yeah, you know all these things. No. Well, yeah, he's sitting there in a cave

and he's like, okay, done with my super important message from God on golden plates. I guess I better put these somewhere. Well, wherever I don't know, wherever it's just God on golden plates. I guess I better put these somewhere, um, well, wherever, I don't know, wherever it's just God's golden plates. Who heard upstate New York is beautiful. Maybe I'll just go all the way to there from the Americas where I am. What's that, Lord? Put these plates somewhere where two guys will get in a fist fight every Thursday outside of Denny. I know where to journey. Well, I love to that the clothes apparently on his golden plates is basically like, you know, I won't get to meet Joseph Smith, but I bet he'll be pretty fucking awesome.

The guy who finds these plates is going to be the best anyway. I need to die now in the book that I'm writing. It'll be Joe Smith or whatever the name is. That was just off the top of my head. Joe Smith, but I don't know. He's gonna be amazing though. Yeah Also, he says I can see you right now Right to like future people reading the plates One of them to be like I can see you through the light of our Lord Jesus Christ. Heath come on Put on some pants.

Is that a jar of peanut butter with just a spoon in it? Come on, guys. I don't use a spoon for that. You don't see me, liar, using my finger. And also just a quick reminder as we see this elderly man put these plates into the hole where he's going to bury them to be discovered later. Those would weigh about 160 pounds. Dude. Dude can lift.

Yeah, he's really. I love how they go like with heavy plates, but not obviously as heavy as they would have to be plates. Yeah. Like, they're still lowerable. Also, by the way, did he not bury a golden butt plug? Very clear. He was obviously wanting, like, there's no other object with that shape. And that gets buried with the plates. I said there for so long on that scene, trying to identify what the fuck that was

supposed to. Oh, that's a butt plug. Definitely a fucking butt fuck. Which means- The fuck else is that change? Which, no, no, 100%. But see that means that somebody's kid, where something was just like, yeah, no, I found this. I believe this is what the Leoni was supposed to look like, Dad. Hahaha. Why else would I have found it in Mom's bottom drawer?

You're right, son. You're right. Let's put it in the movie now. Hard eye contact. Yup. Let's put it in the movie, Dad. Neither of us are going to say anything. So I guess we'll just put it in the movie. Brought to you by not gay chicken. Also one other thing on this scene. Can we talk about Moron eyes? I guess I'd call it a diva mullet. He is crazy looking. He looks like white teen attorney. Is that cannon? That like, that is absolutely. It's cannon now. Yeah. I'm going to tell every Mormon that'll listen to me.

Yeah. By the way, this same actor is like 19 other parts in this movie because the budget was $12. So this crazy, obvious looking guy with this super obvious visible mullet is in a bunch of other scenes in different time periods, doing different stuff. He's different races. It's ridiculous. Yeah. When I watched the movie, I was like, Oh, it's cool. Like he's

overlooking his people. And then he was like a farmer or something in the background. And I was like, no, just he did. He had to have that wallet. Waldo. Malone. I have $35 for that extra person. Okay. Really? You have a church of slaves and you couldn't find another white guy. Right. No, but we needed an elderly one. No, that shouldn't have been a problem. Okay. So now we move on. Oh, now I should say at this point that we watched slightly different versions of this movie. Eli put one link in the calendar and a different link in the notes. So the version I watched was a little bit longer than the version that he watched, but my version also

didn't have any of the title cards or the credits or anything like that. So my note here was just long black screen where they clearly meant to put a title. I guess there was a version with a title here. Yeah, I'm confused as to how your version got on the internet. Like someone, someone cropped out all trouble some title cards and then we're like YouTube the place where three minutes. It's a director's cut must be a one of ruin the part where we watch a guy reading with you guys having to read. Also, what if we make a movie about this. And what if we make a movie about this?

All right, so now it's time for us to cut to 1827 where a prophecy was about to be fulfilled So according to the narrator Christians left and right had been foretelling of the coming of Joseph Smith throughout all of It's because it's the you can see the reverse pitch coming. He's like something that had been told for hundreds of years by both angel and person and like written in the stars and golden tear drops of the Lord himself too far too far. Yes, it's just Joe said it about himself. There it is. In his book. There you go. Yeah. And all of it was written by prophets, the entire book.

And not a con artist who magically saw the words through a rock. And I had or anything. No, no, not was a prophet. Okay. So, but now we've just cut to 1827, but then we have to cut back to 1823 because the bizarre history of Mormonism is that Joseph Smith was told about the plates in 1823 and didn't get them until 1827. They don't spend a lot of time on this in the movie because the real reason is that he

kept saying, no, no, I'm going to come back with golden plates this time. I swear for like five years and tell everybody's like, no, no, no. They had to explain it as like like there was four years of preparation. Preparation. Yes. For that. After four years, Joe Smith finally got around to doing God's errand that he was procrastinating about that whole time.

Like the plates might as well be hidden in the gutters that Joe Smith would have been four years. We put the plates right where the old Britta water filter is and as soon as Joe changes it, I mean, I know they say two months, but it's got to be more right. There's a charm. I get the one with the light. It brings you well too much. And this is it. And this is one of my favorite things about the movie. Right. So this guy who was playing Maronia at the beginning, we've already pointed out that he plays like 37 other characters in this movie, but not Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith

Right because they just shows like they're like the angel Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith I'm like, oh that guy right we're gonna have a Joseph Smith and a that guy anyway, but all we see is a super bright light in the window Yep, because I guess they couldn't afford wings light in the window. Yep. Because I guess they couldn't afford wings. Nope. They were sitting around after this movie was all cut together and they were like, shit, um, anyone mind if we filmed the outside of my house, I'm in. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to see Marona showing up at other houses first, like do an interviews with other people eventually landing on Joe Smith. Just like, like, hey, popped up in your bedroom. Do you want to be a prophet? No, sorry, sorry. Okay, just I feel like I startled you. That's fine. Sorry. Why was it shows up at Joe Smith's

house? Like masturbation. Got a tea party all set up. I'm in. Okay. That was he turns to camera. You know, this didn't have to be hard. Thanks to zip recruiter.com. Are we sponsored? This is sponsored thing. All right. But then finally four years after the revelation, Joey gets the plates and he starts working on the translation. And I love this too because it goes, the translation was mostly done in a three bedroom house, but it was finished in another. No reason. Just, uh, Joey wanted a change of scenery. Uh, he did not. It kicked out of the first one for fucking their dollars. It was started in Pennsylvania, but also it was in New

York that the guy Peter Whitmer in New York was also telling the truth. All of us talked the truth throughout everything fits together. It's one of those stories where it changes because of how true it is. Ask Lee Strobel. It's real, it all makes sense. Trust, I promise. Yeah. Spackle. Did you just say, spackle out there?

Yep. Yep. Did it work? Yep. So now we get a series of quotes from different narrators or two guys do a different voices about the Book of Mormon. I translated these just so for those who aren't. Oh, good.

Aware. So they are a Joe Smith section, which is I told everyone that the book of Mormon was the most correct book ever. Yep. Joe Smith. Yep. Brigham Young. I'll fucking kill you. And John Taylor, let me fuck your daughter back to bring them young. I also killed the first narrative. The last quote though is almost that bad. This is literally the last quote they use. And I don't know, maybe you guys had who said this on your screen.

I didn't. But the last quote was just the book of Mormon cost the best blood of the century. The 19th century. Yeah. They're talking about just, just wow. They're literally ranking the blood. Not on my mind. During slavery, swapping jars around. Yes. Amazing. Yeah. And but throughout this, they do the most correct book in history thing. And it's, that's my favorite thing. They're just so excited about it. Like, as if there are footnotes, just like footnote one, yep, most correct ever. It is footnote two, see God.

Yeah. Footnote three nailed it. Now that one too. What's the second most correct book? Three according to these people. What are they like, Pearl are great press. I was going to say hop on pop, but yours is better. All right. So now, okay, so this part we've already seen, we've done this a million times before, but now it's going to get a little different. This is where we introduce, Pearl P. Pratt, which is clearly

a bullshit knockoff of a superhero alter ego name, right? Right. That's the fakes sounding name a real person has ever had. I'm sorry. Sir, you're trying to shove that book of Mormon into this fully inflatable sheep. What's your name? Parley P. Pratt. I'm from Parkshire, Pennsylvania. You're gonna need to like do a whole bunch of Dr. Sue stuff for else. This doesn't happen. So I'm gonna need to see what's upon Vars.

All right, so yeah, so we cut to Parley P. Pratt and back in 1830 man, he had it all a wife and a shitty farm and a wooden fence. Just a simple farmer slash a pistolmologist searching for truth in old time, the Ohio. But yeah, his brother shows up and he starts explaining to the brother how he's gonna like dedicate his life to Jesus

or whatever, and he's so sad the way he describes it. He's like, yeah, I hate to leave my amazing hay pile that you can see right here, this pile of hay, but there's a prophecy. And before you ask, yes, it's the correctest book in the world that I'm talking about. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing though,

to be clear on the history, they're not, because like at this point, Parley Piprat doesn't know what Mormonism is. He hasn't come across Mormonism yet. So their story is, for no reason it only sold everything he owned and went on this spiritual mission to find the real Jesus that had nothing to do with any warrants against him. And I love, I love the brother in the story who's just like, you sure? About that fun. We included this in the story where I very obviously doubt you.

He's like, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, brother, I mean 50 acres of land and a nice house. Those are like real things. Those are real. Do you get what I mean? Look at it, you can see them. And Parley Pratt's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what Maddie it's a lot to which his brother literally responds, hey, I know it's 18 go fuck yourself, but maybe don't take the Bible literally.

We figured out chariots of iron. So I feel like now's the time to start stepping that back to metaphor. If you know what I'm saying, little bro, pretty dumb. Okay, how about this? I mean, if you get shot in a face and stabbed at some point, can we then agree that religion is stupid? Would that be okay with you? Parley Pratt, who's clearly going to get stabbed and shot in like 20 years.

I wonder too, if like the point here wasn't like, you know, Parley keeps going, like, no, I'm going to do the holy thing and give up my farm. I wonder if they're not sending a message to elderly people who are thinking about maybe donating to BYU, right? He's all tied together all in the same universe. Right. Because the brothers like, all right, fine. Dibbs on all your stuff. Great. Bye. All right. So then in August 1830, he sold his farm and he went off to find Jesus. And his wife was really worried about him because he's clearly insane or in trouble with the law. But don't worry, the voices in his head have told him that they should move on

and stop here and then move on. And maybe his wife should go way, way, away from him for a few months. That's what the voices are telling him now. Yeah, I'll meet you in Albany eventually. Yes. Also, so this scene, they shoot it like it's the fucking Jack and Rose Titanic scene, but the dialogue is I have to leave the boat because the voice in my head said to wander that direction

and she's like, okay, there it is. All right. Are you gonna wait for the up, be jumped. All right. See you in Albany at a time. You were very clear about not being clear about. Yeah, right. That's it.

I'll take care of myself, money wise, I guess. Then that's all right. No, I'm a woman in the 1830s. It should be great. It's gonna be great for me. Yeah. All right, but yeah, so he leaves the boat. He walkss. It should be great. It's gonna be great for me. Yeah. All right, but yeah, so he leaves the boat and he walks into town and he's decided that he's gonna preach even though he sat earlier that he didn't have any authority to do that and didn't know anything. But he's gonna preach anyway. And some random weirdo is gonna help him spread

the word about him and his preaching. I mean, there was no Netflix. So this is what you had, right? They were like, I guess, yeah. Dave, this crazy guy wandered into my house. He's gonna yell what he thinks about God tonight from seven till the nighttime. You wanna get on on this shit? It seems like it's gonna be literally anything but the quiet. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah.

So he takes him to meet this Baptist Deacon played by the same guy who played Baroni, of course. And him and the two of them talking to each other, the random weirdo that Parley met and the Baptist Deakin, like moving in and out of random American accents is my everything. I loved it. It was just delightful. I watched this scene like three times trying to like draw a through line between any one actor's choices. But the key is those that

the Deacon will watch him preach as long as he's going to preach about real Jesus and not some heretical bullshit. Yeah. Hey, do you preach from the Bible or just a random books? No Bible. Cool. Cool. You say first, what you will say on three, one, two, three, five stuff I wrote in my own poo. The Bible. I agree. No, the best part is he does this thing, right? Where they're and then as he's about to walk away, he goes, Hey, real quick. If I told you that I had been spoken to by an angel, you would say, he's an angel, okay, great.

Wonderful. Here. I'll read this book. I got in Palm, Myron, New York. Yeah. New York. Yeah, he went and teaking during his vacation from being a farmer in 1830 or whatever the fuck it is went down to Palmyra for the day, just walked around town, did a little and teaking found a super cool old book in an old bookstore. Yeah. Yeah. And he tells partly about it, but he doesn't have it with him, right? Like he's

giving him the hearts. He's like, I wish I could give you this super awesome book, but I guess you'd have to come back tomorrow if you wanted that. There's no one else around, but you and me. So the next day, partly goes back to get his book of Mormon. He's so excited about it too. It's like, uh, it's like it's the first kid to get an old playboy. Yes. Yes. Yes. Book now and yeah, Barley, yeah.

The music cue here is that he's going to step inside and the book of Mormon is going to do a sexy hair toss. Yeah, by the way, I have so many notes about how he's treating this. Like I treated my first porno magazine when I was 11. Like he's just like, he's like, and then I saw his walking down the road. I stopped at a tree and read under the tree for a little while. There's nobody around. So.

And then I hollowed out a, a root and I found the perfect spot to keep it. We would go back, we put it in a Ziploc and we had it for years. And we liked it. This is our lives, everybody. This is better. This is our lives as everybody. This is how we learned about sex. It's not the way for the blaze to load. Well, yeah, at least we eventually got that. Yeah, go so I love this too, because you can't get very far into the book of Mormon without it being stupid. So they have to have parly go like, I read the title page and then I read

the testimony of the witnesses and all the other stuff. Well, what I love is that they're trying to slow pitch the book of Mormon, but the book of Mormon is filled with ridiculous nonsense the entire time. So the best opening gambit they have is now wait a second did three dudes say this was true. Oh, good. Yeah. Dude did say this is true. Oh, it looks seven spiritual witnesses are in on it too. Well, in that case, and keeping my, by the way, every single person who actually says

they saw the golden plates directly profited in dollars from the book's publication. And a few of them later were like, I absolutely did not see that. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, exactly. I'm not mistaken. I think all of them eventually recanted. But anyway, but Parley is in God damn it. He read all day long bullshit. We know because the character hasn't hung himself by 2 p.m. Oh, just one Mormon movie. I want one of these guys to be like, I read all day till I got to Alma then I was like, nope. Right, but he reads all day and he just sits there at this guy's house. Yeah. And the guy's like, yeah, I mean, I gave you the book, but like, did you want to read that?

I don't know, anywhere else. Like, not my front porch where you've been defecating for days now because you wouldn't move because you're in sconston this terrible fucking book. And you're in my bed. Okay. That's on me. And okay, so at this point, we're getting a reading montage. And I thought, of course,

that this would be the only reading montage of the movie. So I really blew my load of the reads on the show jokes right here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna pay some out now. I won't give them to you all right now. But oh god. Yeah. So he's reading this fucking book. And again, we've read this book. You cannot possibly get more than eight pages in before you're laughing at how fucking stupid it is But parley pre-prec goddamn it. He knew it was true He could tell it is good and that's where all great knowledge arrives From your heart. Yeah Jesus anyway, so he's like he he's like, hey, after that played Marona, I literally three

minutes ago in this film. This is the most amazing book. Have you read this? And he's like, no, every time I try to read it, some assholes shows up and defecates on my porch for three days. To which he responds, well, it's the word of God. Goodbye. And I'm taking your book and the and the deacon's like, no, no, come on, man, don't you said it? I just said I haven't read it. Oh, God. It's like, I want to be mad about spoilers. Well, it's the word of God.

Oh, great, great. But thanks, fantastic. Fantastic. Wonderful. Did you fucking dog ear my book of God, by the way? I seriously dog ear it. God damn it. Do you have a pen that you're writing ear my book of God by the way, seriously dog ear it. God damn it. Do you have a pen that you're writing in my book? Him?

You're margin it. It just says correct everywhere. Are you counting them up? Why are all these check marks in it? All right. So then partly decides he needs to head to Palmyra, New York to hunt down this Joseph Smith Eleanor. Unfortunately for him, Joseph Smith has been run out by several Lynch mobs at this point. He's a hard hard guy to pin down by now, which again, it means that this movie is about a guy who went to Joseph Smith's house and just missed him. That is the level

of bullshit Mormons will still look we give Christian movies a lot of bullshit, but Mormons are like no, no, no, let me tell you a story of a guy who almost met Joseph Smith. And this by the way was my favorite moment of them getting the period shit wrong because there's this like obviously fully modern Frank Lloyd right inspired house. And they've got this shitty wooden fence in their driving cattle in front of it. There's so fucking like a there's like a fucking truck on blocks in the backyard. So that's that's Joe Smith's vacation house. He keeps here. He lives in Pennsylvania now,

but he keeps this house built into a waterfall as a vacation house in 1830. That's what we're going with. I believe that's what I'm going to family home. Yeah, because when he goes there, he meets Joey's brother, Hyrum. Right? Hyrum's there. He's like, well, you just miss Joey. He's elsewhere, not going to go into a lot of details there. No need. No need. Why is he in Pennsylvania? Oh, what's the other questions in Pennsylvania? That's a you. All right. So let's talk about this. Fuck. A lot of people come asking where my brother is and not for religious reasons.

Do you have a daughter? Just curious. Well, okay. So and then we have the montage where they like stay up all night together, talking book of Mormon. And they they they they keep all out like the montage is fucking high room getting half a sentence in and you and those of us who know the story going like, oh, finish that sentence. I remind dare you, but then it'll cut away and it'll have half a different sentence to say. But the key though, the key revelation that Hiram Smith gives Parley Pratt in the 1830s is that Jesus will be back any second now.

Yeah. And this is the next big thing in Christianity. Yeah. It's like basically Bitcoin for Christianity, we're talking about here. Get on board. Actually, it is. Don't get on board. All right.

But then so he leaves, he's like, I got to go find Joseph Smith and Hiram's like, he will be making that difficult. But good luck. Feel free to come back anytime. And here, by the way, you can have your very own copy of the book of Mormon. I literally cannot give these things away. I wanted so badly for high room to run inside place one book of Mormon. I was one book of Mormon.

Calls the zone leader. All right. It's a little sticky. All right. So then yeah, Parley walks a little stops to read his book of Mormon every time there's nobody on the road. And this is where we learned that like he's, he got sucked in by the pre-Jesus parts of the book of Mormon, right? He was just super into the murmuring brothers and hiring bars, monologues up until now.

But now that he's reading about that Jesus stuff, well, he is sold. Yeah, he's like, I read it again. And this time I noticed Jesus was in it. It's like, what the fuck were you doing? You were imagining a little dude running across the top of the letters so that you could hang out on that guy's porch all day, weren't you? Hope and you get blown or something. And also, like, so they haven't like walking through the field after this

because he's going to see Joseph Smith. But as he's walking through the field, he's narrating about how he would give up all the treasures in the world to have this book right here. And I'm like, eh, it's easy to say, but you don't have any treasures. Right. And this is where they give that amazing Joseph Smith quote, where Joseph realizes

how dumb what he is is saying. He's like, if you plant my book, it grows like a tree. Strong and pr- no, not literally God damn it. Everyone dig up your book. Who buried you actually buried their book just now as I was talking? Because you all fell for my thing. Yeah, of course, you all do. That is. Please dig up your books. That's not the dumbest thing I say, actually. Turn them.

Dig up your butt plugs too. Yeah. And use those in a second. Make out eye contact with your son. There it is. There it is. But again, it's just like, this is the greatest book of all time moving on. And I just I want it so bad for like a bird to swoop down and grab the

book and fly away. Oh, come on, man. Damn it. Now I have to go on a side quest. Starts a bird religion. So then by the way, okay, so we do this incredibly cheesy thing here, where as probably as Walgona, we're panning out to heaven, I guess we're getting the heavens I view. And like the narrators talking about how awesome Mormonism is and we're seeing the whole earth and we're like, Oh my God, I am at this point Mormonism watching myself spread across the world, aren't I? That's what I'm like, I'm the religions I view cam, aren't I? And I was whole world is going to be Mormon any minute. You watch just wait.

But first, I got to tell you about this Italian guy from a different century for absolutely no reason. For the remainder of the movie. He's he's part of Lamanite, but we let that go. We don't think we know Italian people are a little. And let me tell you listeners, you have never seen simultaneous despair, like you have in our notes when all three of us realize that it's another story about another guy finding and reading the book. We start making travel plans.

There's some itineraries copied and pasted into here. New identities is pasted into here. New identities. Clothes is pasted in here. All right. So we open, we're in Sicily. Well, actually, we've pointed a camera at a pencil drawing of a Sicilian town. There's no movement whatsoever. Yeah. And we're listening to the music of like book your tour of Italy now with Mario Parillo. Yeah. It's going to be great. And we're watching like Roberto Benini as a five year old, having a great day in Sicily, just skipping through the Sicily stuff. Lulu, Lulu, his way Italy via an Olive Garden commercial.

Yeah. And then the narrator cuts in for Eli's best worst and he goes, I was a born now in the September. You know, obviously, get out of the sketch. You said, be good. Get out. So amazing. Live it up, boys. Live it up.

Still say whatever we want. It's really sorry. I know. We didn't already. Okay. So, but when he was nine years old, he started learning religion at religion school and they show him reading Latin. So you know how much fun it is to listen to children read.

Now imagine they're reading Laura Mipsum. That's what we're watching in the movie. It's boredom to the fourth power now. Lorema Ipsuma. It's so nice. But he's supposed to be graded at it. Now Lorema Ipsuma But he's supposed to be graded it So like ever everyone's like like their faces are flapping in the wind of this kid relatively quickly reading Latin It's like what is he doing? Actu spinny to get the fuck out of here

Actu-spiny-tum. Get the fuck out of here! Ha ha ha ha ha! They're quite impressed with his Latin reading, yeah. So, and they so good at it, they even send him to religion high school, so he can learn to read high school Latin too. But then, fateful day, when he was 17, his brother invited him to come on vacation to America, and if that doesn't fucking ruin you, nothing will. And I have an editing note here. So throughout the last scenes, they've shown him as a boy, then as a teen, then there's an incredibly jarring cut to the outside of a boat. So my

note here is just, I was a boy, then an older boy, then I was a boat. Never mind. I went on a boat. He's really wise. Also, by the way, he says his brother invited him to spend his summer vacation in New York. So he took a boat from Italy to New York. And then his vacation was that that's your whole vacation. Yeah.

This is 1900. That's like a month of travel each way, right? With slideshows of the inside of a dark boat. 40 of these left to go. Uh-huh. So he just steps into New York, gets mugged, steps back on the boat, goes back to Italy. Okay. It's a postcard of the inside of the boat.

Yeah. So yeah, but he found, he goes to New York and he really likes it there. So he goes to Knox College guy. It's one of the top 300 liberal arts colleges in America. The pre, the prestigious Knox College, Knox College. It's not spelled that way. Yeah, and we are the narrator going like when I think back over those days, they're still photographs in Cpia for some reason. I don't really understand what my memories would be Cpia, but, uh,

yeah, but he's pretty sure God had brought him to New York on purpose. Like God had some plans for him in New York. Yeah, and he's like, I can't escape the feeling that we could have just, you know, started my story right here. This whole, there was a lot before this. I mean, you know, in the original movie, they showed just starting from here and the audience lost their minds. They were like, was that person once a child get me the fuck out of here? Crashin' through doors, chopin' through walls with fire axes.

It was a nightmare. Is this based on a religion from Pennsylvania or New York? I need to fucking know before I get into this guy's story. He talks like an Italian, but where was he born? Yeah. Show me. Don't tell me. That's, how much did he read as a child? I would like to know how quickly added

that an earlier. What does that look like in long form? Where did he go to high school? I said long form. Wait a minute. Reading, Thank you. All right, so we cut to some dude showing up at his apartment now that he lives in New York. The pastor needs to see him about some pasting churchy stuff right away.

So he goes to see the boss. And we learn like he's he's so honest that he pays for his newspaper, even when the newspaper guys asleep. Yes, he's not a fucking thief. Don't even act like I didn't pay for his newspaper even when the newspaper guys asleep. Yes, he's not a fucking thief. Don't even act like I didn't pay for that newspaper. Yeah. I have a question about him answering the door. Why does he apparently have a, a brood of Italian zoo children in his apartment?

Yeah, right? Because the guy comes and he's like, the pastor wants to see you. But the background noise is seven hundred crying babies. I was getting the impression that was the building itself, but if he's, if they're in the apartment with him, that makes a lot more sense. He is Catholic at this point. And he's wrapped in a blanket. It's just, it's like someone was like, Hey, what were apartments like in the old days?

I don't know. People had lots of kids put in crying babies' effects. Who's? Yeah, I mean, maybe it's more like he's just a great person. So like we see him like with a bunch of like kids that he takes care of and then he pays for a newspaper he doesn't have to. It's more of that.

I don't know. He stops at a fruit stand and he's like, give me three apples and two more orphans to adopt. So grab those off a clothespin. You know what? Two apples and one orphan being frugal. I, you know, I honestly think it's that it was the test audience again. You know, right?

They're like, wait, he's an Italian immigrant. Is he a thief? No, okay. No, he's not. Okay. You got to show me him not being a thief though. Show, don't tell. I'd like you to show him need not being a thief though. Show don't tell.

I'd like you to show him need not applying also for some jobs. All right. So he's on his way to see the the pastor about whatever. But he sees this mysterious book blowing in the breeze that's back in the mouth. It's a it's sexy, wide open book of Mormon. And it's just sitting on top of a garbage barrel. And it's flashing like a video games like the master sword, and they're stuck yet. And it's like just spinning around and like holographic. And he's like, perhaps I will investigate this impossibly futuristic looking object. I just, I want to walk in front of this guy now, setting down random books and changing this story.

Oh, there's just like the Quran and put the Quran, but it's like glowing and he's like, yeah, you know, I think glowing is probably not a good sign. Not just take the drawing in the wind one. Oh, there's some gum on it. That's what they say. Holy gum. It teaches you the best way. What's this on this giant sculpture base?

The God delusion. Interest. Yeah. I will use this to keep my book of Mormon close. Yeah. Yeah. So he finds the book of Mormon and he just keeps it, which means either he did find it in a trash can or he just fucking stole it when he came across it.

Also there's someone clearly poured a good deal of dust between every page of this book. Yep. So he can open it up and just be like, dustyusty. I wanted him to walk away. Parley P. Pratt comes out. Oh no, it's my hundredth birthday, fuck. All right, so now we cut to the parish house. He's looking after the sick pastor and the sick pastor needs him to preach because he's too sick to preach. He's like, you got to preach for me until I'm well again.

And he's like, yeah, don't worry. I just found a random book on the street. I'm sure it'll have some good stuff for me I just have one dying wish don't Become Mormon. Oh really wow that makes sense. I'm glad to let you go first then To my news. I had a thumb to tell you but never mind have Don't not the book nope and we should point out that like at this point, his relationship to the Book of Mormon is shot like a horror movie, right? Like he's going to read it out loud and Joseph Smith is going to

appear behind him and steal everyone in the movie like candy man. Right. No, he's found the monkeys part of this point. Yeah, exactly. And he's like, he's like, you know, I was talking to the pastor and he was sick or yaddy out of something or whatever, but my mind was still on that book. And the strange names I'd seen written on its pages. I'm like, okay, understatement. But yeah, that is what you'd linger on. Like Alma, Zee's rum. Antinify lehines. All right. And what are these noises?

Probably a message from God. This is probably the crackest book. Yeah, she is. It just says shizz right here. Is that a name? It's shizz. All right. So it seems like a bad improv troupe trying to reenact the Bible. I mean, no,

I'm definitely it. This is great. So now we get to watch him read the shit out of that book of Mormon, right? Now, we should be clear. The title page was missing and the cover was all faded out. So he had no idea what he was reading, but he knew it was pretty fucking good. Yeah. And then he turns a few more pages and like they're all, there's like black mold all over them because again, he picked this up out of the garbage. And he's just like, what is all this black moldy stuff? Probably mana from God. Should I eat it? I'm going to eat it.

And here's how stupid and boring this fucking movie is we spent we watch him then Go downstairs to the deli and Buy some shit to clean that mold off of his book and then go back upstairs and clean the mold off of his book Yep, but again this is vital because the whole point is he didn't even know what church He was now a member of. Like again, the movie skips over like it's some wonderful mystery because surprise. It's Mormonism, but like that's fucking insane. Yeah, this guy spent 30 years, we're gonna learn 30 years of his life just being like one time.

I found it a book and you know, I think this is a probably the word of a gala. And I just, you know, went with it for a 30 fucking years, three decades. Watch me read the black mold for a while. And then realize I need to clean it off. So yeah, he gets like alcohol and cotton balls. How can we do that. We might as well watch him like read the side of the alcohol container and this is what I feel like maybe non alcoholic witch hazel would make more sense for he forgets a book as he goes into the bathroom, we're watching him read the shampoo. Why do that tell you to use it twice? Who shampoo's in their hair twice? Repeat. I just want a shower and rinse. I'd lather it up rinse and I'm done. That's in depth.

In twice. All right. Should I read it again? Is that the repeat? Should I read it? I'm going to read it again. All right. And now, okay, so he's reading, but suddenly, do we get Nephi narrating and we're going

to at least flash back to the stuff that he's reading so we don't literally watch him read like we did with Harley P. Pratt. I wanted more reading. So we cut to him building that Bronze Shades boat that they crossed the Atlantic with back in 400 CE. And I just want to say right now, and I don't care who I offend when I say it, that boat didn't look as tight as a dish. I said, I'm not even sorry, not even close to as tight as a dish.

Thing was loose as a plate. That was fucking historically inaccurate. Yeah. Looses a plate is how we street harass people at Atheist conventions, by the way. Oh, what's going on, boy, you look loose as a plate. That's it. Why Seth doesn't talk to us anymore. No, boy, you look blue since the plate. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. part like like he looked up submarine comma wooden in the index and he was like this, this is, yes, straight to there. And now now we're watching that happen on the beaches of whatever in ancient Israel. Let's be fair. If we could have skipped directly to the wooden submarines, we would have. So yeah, I got it. I got it. I'm cool with it. But I also love that he actually says, because this is in the book, he's like, I built a boat that looked really weird And didn't look like how boats look, but then we see the boat and it's just a fucking boat

It's just Right, it was just so clearly a fight between Mark of the hair to her attack who did the set design when he was 19 years old and you know father Mahendled or elder Mahemmen who was like no no no it's not even close to his tight as a dish Mark come on. Tighten that up. Yes. Yeah no it's just like fully modern boat like they had a steam bender to like me. Curvy shaped giant wooden piece. No, no, the fucking Lego boat by the end of it. It might as well have been an iron clad. Yes. Um, so, but then his dad comes to inspect the boat and Nephi again is the narrator and he's, he and Nephi is so goddamn arrogant in this book.

He's like, everyone agreed it was the best boat ever built by human hands or otherwise, it was, uh, you know, say I was really fucking good at it. Even my dad and dad's like, Oh, uh, plutonium fission engine. Nice. Next. I like the way you put the flux capacitor in upside down. I'm a bronze age is real. I really wanted the dad to actually do dad stuff there and just like be like this joinery is not flush right here.

You measure twice on this because I feel like you measured once. I get a T square. What the fuck are you doing? And by the way, I should point out this scene is like six minutes long, maybe, maybe, not even that. It's like three minutes. Look, there are three and it came to passes in this flashback from the narrator. Yeah, in this, and it came to pass us and

there's two dozen music cues because they don't know when the peak of the scene is. So they had Hans Zimmer's Mormon cousin, just like hitting the glory button. Every four, no, there it is. Got it. Seemed big. No, it's still going. All right. All right. No, not yet. Oh, sorry. My man. Reading. We're keeping all of this. And I think, okay, so I'm pretty sure if I'm not mistaken that this is the scene, this next scene is the scene that I got that Eli that you didn't get the one with Ammon. Oh, yeah, I didn't get the special bonus thing.

That's what's about to happen. But we, before that happens, the very end of that scene, we actually get to watch Vincienzo skip ahead in the book by a bunch. Yeah, I had to pissed off about it. He's just like, it came to pass that I got super bored and skipped ahead of bunch. This book's terrible. Yeah, he's good. Just go straight from Nephi to Ammon for fuck's sake.

Yeah, I'm like, wow, we just skipped almost the whole book. Well done, sir. But yeah, so this is the story where like Ammon is at the watering hole in a bunch of evil people. And we can tell they're evil because they're black, literally that's it. They have darker skin than him and are walking towards the watering hole. So that means he was flipping through the book and he was like boring, boring, boring, white

guy stoning some natives. Yes. That's important. I'm listening. Yeah. So these people that have in no way threatened him except by being brown and near. Aman grabs his sling and kills him with his sling, right? Yep. And we're done with that part. Just just want to be clear on which races win in fights against which

other races in the book. Jesus Christ. Well, yeah. So, but then we cut from there to Ammon going to the throne room because the evil layman night king is like, dude, Caucasians kicks so much ass. How do you guys kick so much more else than us? And, uh, yeah, he actually says he's like, by what power did you kill all my warriors single handedly. And Amman's like white, white covers, privilege. This is going to sound bad. I kind of isolated him into really bad neighborhoods. And then I took the good ones. And then once I liked their neighborhood, I would move in and drive up the property values after they had done all the, we should really do reparations eventually. Well, I'm sure I have a congressional meeting about it. If you think about it, Cory Booker owes me an apology.

All right. So yeah, but the white guy promises to teach the brown people about white Jesus and teach him how to be ever more delight some. And as you'll recall, the King buys it hook line and sinker, so they're ready when Baratone Jesus shows up. Oh yeah. Yeah, I love that he's like, yeah, so you guys should really become Mormon, but if I'm being perfectly honest, it's not gonna help.

Exactly how tan are you? I would like, do you have like an alcohol and cotton ball. Let me just. No, it's not you. It's not going to go well for you. I mean, be more than if you want, but we're going to genocide you. Oh God, the first thing Vincenzo did was make the book more white and delight. Some do you guys think that was on purpose? We see him rebinding it with a white lever cover. Okay. Okay. Tricks huck Finn into whitewashing it for him.

All right. And then all the people we see, all of the Native American people gathering together. This is where Jesus shows up in America. And of course, it's Joseph Smith writing this encounter. So Jesus opens with the, no, believe me, you can stick your fingers in my wounds and shit if you don't. Fifth my holes. Jesus. That's how we open. By the way, in every Mormon movie crowd shot and most Christian movie crowd shots, but definitely all Mormon movie crowd shots.

There's always one guy in an anachronistic T-shirt and jeans who like refused to get out of my sister gets to be in here. And what I loved about this is in this movie, I had the timestamp, but in this movie, he is holding a towel on either end up in front of his t-shirt not wrapping or anything He's just holding it there. I'm covering most of the Harley logo holding like a bed bath and beyond coupon card in his other hand. Yep.

So yeah, so everybody gathers around to finger the Lord. They show this one little kid running up in hug and Jesus like he's Mickey Mouse at Disney World or whatever. And then we watch Vinnie reading through rain and snow and gloom of night. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I'm pretty confident we can take a break from him reading some more without missing much. So we're going to take a break. But first, let me give you an act through the hard sell here. Will Vinnie discover the identity of this mysterious book? How different would this story be if he'd come across a manga? Have you ever wondered what the downside was to the First World War? Well, found out the answers to these questions and more. When

we return for the he got done reading conclusion of how rare a possession. Vincienzo, I last welcome. Is this the church I have been seeking for so long? It is, my son. Oh, how I have longed for this today. Vincienzo, welcome to the church of the dogfuckers. Thank you. I'm sorry, the church of what? You have read the sacred words of Alma, the scripture of the newborn Christ,

and you know in your heart that it is true. Oh, yeah, yes, yes. But just really quick, did you say the church of the dog fuckers? Yes. Dog are first prophet, and the fuckers, of course, from the Dutch word for brotherhood. Dog is it? Fuckers.

The one true church. Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that sounds like dog fuckers? Like, you know, you guys fuck dogs. What? Blast for me! You come here to mock us. No, no, no, no, I don't.

I just thought, uh... Never mind. It's fine. It's fine. I'm sorry I said anything. Go ahead. All right, but there must be no more talk of this violinist. There won't be...

I'm sorry, sorry. Very well. Prepare the right of the peanut butter. Okay. I said okay. You guys know. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he was reading.

And if you think we've watched him do that enough, you are mistaken because we're going to open this scene with him, not just reading, but like locking his door so he can read undisturbed. And there's no chance anything interesting might happen. Sound to it's alive and made of gold this time. Yeah, so he read and then he read and then he read some more than he prayed, then he prayed while he was reading, then he prayed about his reading, and then he asked God if this book was bullshit and God said, no. Yeah, he asked God if this is indeed the correctist book.

And he's like, yeah, well, I got my answer. In the form of feeling kind of warm. Yeah. So I mean, I mean, I was, I was kneeling in a column of sunlight, like an overweight cat, but like, you know, I feel like was unrelated. He describes how he knew it. And what he's describing basically is exactly like, if you take, if you, if you did a little meth, but not a lot, that's the exact feeling. So I'm like, okay, this could be a couple of different things though, man.

No, I hate to call out your metaphors on the air, but no one's ever done a little meth, but not a lot. I did. How else would I get this to this metaphor? So, okay, you have to do a little bit before you do a lot. Yeah, exactly. This is step along the way. Baba, Brinkman. Thank you. This is a step along the way to Baba Brinkman. Thank you All right, so now he goes to preach at the church for the for the sick pastor But he's all inspired by the Mormon stuff. So he starts quoting from the book of Mormon

Again, he has no idea what book this is Yes This is a bold choice and by the way They don't mean it to be comedic, but the other pastors in the back being like, what the fuck are the Bible is this from? It's the best. I don't know.

Is he? It's so good. Is he just making up with the Bible as it goes along? Well, and neither of them are willing to admit they don't know. They're like, no, this is from the Old Testament. I mean, maybe the old testament, but I'm not sure. So murder, we murder. And then of course, what we see is that the more he's preaching about all this Mormon stuff, the more packed the pews are

becoming, these Catholics are just eating it up. Yeah. This is how the New York Italian community became Mormon. As we all know. So let me be super clear what we're watching. We're looking at other people being read to from a boring book by a guy with a bad Italian accent. Right, I don't even know what power of boredom we've achieved at this point. So yeah, so okay, so he's preaching out of the book and Mormon, everybody's loving it,

but now he's gotta go see the bosses and the bosses look pissed. Right, again, this is a Protestant like council, so they're running it like it's a pay book council right where he's gonna get burned or excommunicated because they're brought to since they're just like if you do not burn your book We will be Disappointed You may have to go into a timeout

You may have to go into a timeout. I love how confused they were too. They were like confused by the script of their own movie that they're in. They're just like, um, let me ask you something. Did you give a sermon about a wooden nuclear submarine? Yes. Yes. This is not from the Bible. I also love how they do a compliment sandwich at his radio.

Yes, I'm in Chenzone. I like you. No, no, no, I love you Ben Chenzone. But your hair is great. You're preaching the words of Satan. We love your hats. I love to do positive feedback. I love to the way that they frame all of this.

It's not that they're worried about their heretical teachings. It's not that he's picked up a random book off the street and started telling people it was the word of God. It's that he's so popular that all the other churches are losing membership, right? That's why they're mad at Vincenzo. Also they want to know the title of this book very much. They're like, you will need to tell us the name of this book very much. They're like, you will need to tell us the name of this book. And he's like, um, Dusty book, it was blank on the cover and they're like burn him, burn the book, burn him. Yeah. Which to be fair, if I'm a peasant in early 1900s, Italy, and there's one church where

the guy's just making up shit as he goes along, that's the church I'm going to, right? Because he want to be there the day that he's like dogfarts, dogfarts into my wet mouth. Yeah, but they want him to burn his book. He wants them to become Mormon or whatever in yeah, he wants them to become this dusty book. Which he proposes like it's totally reasonable. They're like, okay, so you have a random book you found that you're preaching out of Stop it. And he's like counterpoint. You join whatever this shizzles going on. About this.

About we'd go to the library and see if anyone's ever heard of this before. Give this a Google. I gotta say honestly, the entire problem with religion is encapsulated in this one scene because the council of people are going like, no, no, that's not the word of God. And he's going, no, I feel in my heart without the shadow of a doubt that it is.

Yes, there's the problem right there. Yeah, right. And they're all like, hey man, if you get attached to a book, you're gonna end up doing stupid, hold on. Hold on. Okay. That makes me, you know, I see what happened there, but you know what I mean? Don't be a dick. Really just one book is what we're searching for here. Yes. So it's not the multiple choice. And I love this line too, because like his buddy pastor, the guy who asked him to pass for him while he was sick, turns to him at this point.

And he says, and I quote, that book must be burned or you will incur the most serious this pleasure. I mean, I know they're just talking about excommunicating him, but holy shit. Did that sound? I'll make you watch a movie about your own life. Yeah. Start walking and looking at yourself. Yes. Now he says, he says, I would rather be excommunicated than burn this book. They're like, yeah, we can hook you up with that. We can do that. That's, that's what we said. Yeah. It's going to happen. So honestly, it's great

that you said that's because if you had said, like, oh, I would rather have my ball hairs pulled out, we would have to, you know, sort of low ball, you know, that example, but yes, you know, and another great fucking quote, because apparently they're going to give him a second chance. In case you didn't really, he's that scene didn't soak in. We're going to have the exact goddamn same scene as the next scene. But it starts with him going in April of 1914, this heavy conflict had its conclusion, because when you think of conflict in 1914, you think about arguments about more minutes. Whether an Italian guy can join a religion, he doesn't know the name of yes, exactly.

That was the world conflict at that moment. Yep. Yeah. So yeah, but he'd been is summoned by an even more imposing table of old white men. And they tried like, I love the way they're like, you know what? We think that the last council fucked it up. They didn't do the compliment sandwich thing. So we love you burn the book shut up. I love how they tried to big dick them at the beginning too. They're like, please have a seat in, in that area, which is physically much lower than the area that we are pharmacists.

And so you get that bean bag chair that's much lower. Excuse me. We would each like to give you an overly hard handshake before we begin. Yes. But you're the ganky thing because at this period in history, this is not played out yet. Watch us all shit in your face. Yeah. So yeah, they give him a chance to tell him that he's sorry, he's like, but I'm not sorry and they're like, oh, be it, bitch, check me, but he's not listening.

And they're like, he says, I'll tell you what, I'll burn the book, but only if you guys read it first. And I will say, I've read through Alma. That's a good fucking bet. That's an excellent gamut. Yeah. Absolutely. You could keep the book. You could keep the book no more. No more. And it came to pass this all. Three of us have already taken our own lives. I'll give you a one month risk free trial of the book. Free of show. We can't afford not to read this book, right? I feel like we have to read it now. What if I threw in this my pillow? Don't answer it yet,

don't answer it yet. You answered. I also, I love the, the giant books that they have on the table with them to like the extra dominant on top of their power move with the lower seating. They're just like, yeah, man, you got to burn the book. As you can see, we all have comically oversized books. They just use these are books. Not about the size or anything. I will just say, we know the title of these books. Oh, he got you. You got it. Yeah. So I guess at this point, the council gives up on them. They rescind his degree so you can tell how good that knowledge was. Okay. And they say, you know, Pastor Vincenzo, different Jessica, get the fuck out. So say at the council. So he gets the fuck out. And he says, like the narrator says, but despite the pain I left with a feeling of peace because it's kind of a shit job.

Anyway, when you think about it, yeah, also like, you know, I had another book. I just needed to find a new group of people. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. All right. But then a few months later, there was a little conflict in Europe that you may have heard of. Yes. But let's talk about what really mattered about World War One. I got yelled at for telling the story. Yeah, we cut over to the fucking trenches of World War One and I'm like, oh, are we going to get a battle? So you know, we're going to get his fucking superior officer chewing his ass out for

telling people stuff from the book of war. We're going to get a story about how a Mormon guy made the trenches of World War One worst time. Literally is what we're getting. Someone called him out of the blood and muck to be like, you are bumming everyone out of the face and muck to be like, you are bumming everyone out. Exactly. Look, man, at least with the battle of the sons, there's just 12 of them. Alma goes on forever. Some of the soldier walks out, walks back in with mustard gas. You're

all welcome. You guys know that if we walk up there, they'll just shoot us and we won't be able to hear him anymore. Right? So yeah, and also, by the way, so again, the story that he decides because the superior officer's like, he's like, tell me one of these stories from this book, everyone's talking about. So he tells him the story about the anti Nephi Liheis, but they don't use the fucking name. I wrote that in my notes. As soon as I realized what he was, what story was telling, I was like, I bet they don't use the term anti-DFI. Lehigh is what they're telling this story though.

But I didn't realize until, because we read this on the other show on Skaiving and I was like, ah, stupid story. Ha ha. I didn't realize that Mormons have captured exactly the two pages where people buried their weapons to make like Mormonism about pacifism ignoring the previous and after chapters where another guy comes in and he's like, yeah, but we're not anti Nephi Lee highs kill those lame and I'm not. Yeah. Exactly. And he's like, you know, yeah, the attackers, they came and they were killing all the anti Nephi Lee highs. And they saw that they were dying

on purpose and they were they were mad at them But then they were like man, that's that's pretty impressive actually that dying on purpose thing I we got against some of that so then they started attacking themselves and then in the generals like okay Fuck this man 10 days of confinement. So like I'm sorry, but like if I'm in World War one and the punishment for pissing everybody off is 10 days confinement I'm pissing everybody off is 10 days confinement. I'm pissing everyone off. Oh no, this is your golden zone. You looking at Steve just kicking over everybody's wormy mask. Damn it. 10 more days. I don't get to be at the front. Sure. Dang it. I wanted to see this story work though, where he like explains like, oh, no, no, so here's what happened in this book.

The Native Americans that I was talking about, they buried their weapons instead of fighting the war. And then the other team stopped attacking them and they were fine. And I will not tell you about the rest of the story because it ruins my thing. And then I wanted to see like them do that. Like a bunch of like Italian infantry. So they just like bury all their weapons and like some Austrian soldiers come up and the Italians are just like pointing at the ground. Like as you can see with Barry, though, I had.

Yeah. Well, you know, they were actually going to do that, but the French beat them to it. Yeah. Wrong war. Wrong war. All right. So anyway, the war wraps up 17 million people died blah blah blah, but the important thing though is that Vinnie did learn eventually who wrote that book. It's the Mormons. So he goes back to New York City, hooks up with an old buddy of his and his old buddy is about

to go on a mission to Australia. And this is the doucheous fucking mission trick that you can pull right. He's gonna follow that guy around it Be the dude who bids one dollar higher on the showcase showdown. Absolutely. This is the religion version of how he plays Code names I'm going on this mission. I know you got excommunicated. Oh, yeah, I'll come with you and I'll talk about the Bible You said the Bible very weird just now. Are you gonna preach your own crazy book? Sorry the Bible. Okay. You said the Bible very weird just now. Are you going to preach your own crazy book? Sorry, the Bible, the Bible, southeast. But yeah, but his, his, his,

he goes with his buddy to Sydney, Australia to help him make Christians, but basically this guy would get him all lubed up for Protestantism and then he'd slide in there with the Mormonism real quick before his buddy could make the first thrust. Oh, so he and I love to because they show him like convincing these Italian immigrants in Australia that Mormonism is the right religion. And he's like, well, you know, there are actually translation errors in the Bible, but luckily there's none in this book about Stone Age Swords and prehistoric Native Americans saying, I do.

This book is errorless. We should be fine with this one. Yeah. And what was the example he used from the Bible? I didn't understand this part. He's like, read this part right here about Jesus and these Italian guys who are questioning the Bible are like, all right, cool, cool. So it says there was some sheep and also some other sheep.

And that was it. And then Jens was like, so who are those other sheep? A guy from upstate New York who translated plates, no one ever saw exactly. Yes. I would like to switch religions now. Also, by the way, really quick, can we talk about how they tried to age Vincenzo here? Oh, come with the muscles. It's so bad. Yeah, he's supposed to be a bit older now.

And all they did, they took a paintbrush, dipped it in gray paint, and slathered it on each temple. That's all they did. Little gray patch on his right temple, gray patch. It might as well say 10 years later on the side of his face. Yeah, but so his pastor buddy put up with his more mumbleship for a while, but it could only last so long. So eventually his buddy kicks him the fuck out and he has to go back to Italy because he's been kicked out of all the other countries he tried to go to. And then I guess it's May of 1930. He finally figured out where is that awesome book came from when he was looking something up in a dictionary. I don't know

how that works. Let's see. More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, Mormon. Mormon. So interesting. What was he Google? Like, what was he searching? More mariney. There's a small biscuit. That's made. I was looking up moron in the dictionary. People kept calling me.

And it had my picture and I was like, wait a minute. Oh, oh, wait. There's another word. Yeah. So he finds out all about the Mormon church from the from the dictionary. Um, and he writes to the president of the of the Mormon university in Provo, right? And he's like, I'm Italian. I found your book. I need to get dunked in water very, very bad. Yeah. Do you guys keep getting kicked out of stuff?

Just like constantly like, I was kicked out. Is that just me? Oh, my friend, let me give you a little book on American history. You do. Yeah. Right. Tell you the story of a little town called Navu. So, so eventually the, the university gets this letter. They send them as very own Italian copy of the book of Mormon without all the schmutz all over it. And they even call ahead for their main Europe guy to go baptize him. And they even call ahead for their main Europe guy to go baptize him. So we could do apparently the baptism warehouse. So this is him trying to get on the boat to go to his baptism.

Right. Okay, yeah. At the boat warehouse. I mean, he's in a fucking warehouse. I don't get it. Boat warehouse. So yes, so he goes to the warehouse. But he just shopped as a kid. warehouse i don't get it boat warehouse so he has so he goes to the warehouse

but he just up to the kid but just then there was uh... the the italian ethereum war started and that fucked up his baptism again again in case you were wondering what the downside of the italian ethereum war was other than starting world war two and around about way it was mostly this guy's, uh, this guy's baptism or failure thereof. The time my boat got canceled made it into the fucking movie. If me and Kasa Blanca telling that woman I fucked her dad makes it into my biopic, I have not lived the fullest life. Yeah. You know what else made it into the movie was, again, the Italian Ethiopian war, fucking

up his baptism. Also one of the most tragic things about World War II, fucked up his baptism. Yeah. Yeah, right, right. Now, he might as well have been like, well, and then this other guy was going to baptize me, but he was chewish. It was Poland didn't work out for me. It was really hard for me.

So that's the plot for a while. Like I started blowing on my laptop. I thought it was skipping on YouTube. Like the plot is skipping. Is that something that can happen? At one point he says, I had a Mormon pen bell who is coming to Rome and he could baptize me. But I got his letter the day he arrived and I'm like, Oh my God, this is the set up for a Johnny Hughes movie in the 80s or something really. He's got to get all the way to

Rome today. The time my letter came late made it into the movie. Oh, no, I already have plans this afternoon. Make a fucking movie of this shit. That's a how rare a possession. Yes. How rare? Sometimes you miss connections. Yeah, right. The hell the thing.

Just a slow mail sorter. Let's watch the slow mail sorter for a while. Jesus. There he goes. All right. He's watch the slow mail-sorter for a while. Jesus. There he goes. He's all thumbs. Look at him. So baptism or no, though, Vinnie was very Mormon. He was translating the book of Mormon into Italian, which is weird, because they sent him an Italian copy of it.

Give it another try. Oh, by the way, we watch him do that. And write letters about it. We watch him translate that boring fucking book into a language. We don't speak and then write someone a letter about the goddamn translation he just made. They're Steve. And I met this boring book into our language. Here you go. Not all of it, obviously. Just lack a little piece. So, oh, speaking of slow mail, sort of. This is where

he gets the fateful letter, right? So now he's really old. You can tell because now they've used that same paint on his mustache as well. So, so he gets this fateful letter. And apparently the Italian post office's policy is just stand somewhere near your home and scream your name until you go get your fucking letter. Yep. I can confirm this.

They have transferred this policy over to Jersey now. Oh, okay. My postman just stands in the middle of the street, drops the box full of mail and goes, all right, it's around here somewhere. So no, you know what they do here in Georgia is that you order something that doesn't fit, uh, in your mailbox from Amazon and they get it in there. Any goddamn way. They come with a fucking hammer. Oh, she's got like this comic cartoon mallet she uses. Yeah, no, it's, it's rough. So anyway, so elder lit so I guess has told him, Hey, man, I know it's been a long time.

I meant to get over there earlier, but I'm gonna come and I'm gonna baptize you now because the movie's already almost over. Cool. So meet me in Vietnam and we'll do that. Oh, you're not gonna believe what happened. She's already almost over. Cool. So meet me in Vietnam and we'll do that. Oh. Oh. You're not going to believe what happened.

This is a funny story. I get to get out. I get to get out. It's a war. But no, at long last, he was dunked in water correctly and can die in peace. Yeah. And that is, by the way, the conclusion of the film, right? And then I got the dunked in water.

Oh, that's it. I thought there was a thing. Sarah Huckabee Sanders was there. You see her in the frames. But now he's, he's super old. You can tell because he's got a came now. I mean, he goes to a fancy Mormon church. He had toiled so hard to find his Mormon salvation, but dammit, he got it. And then we pan out to heaven again with a drunken camera man. It's like, honestly,

this pan back at the end is like drone footage in a hurricane. Yep. The first, it was obviously someone's first helicopter ride. Yeah, man, it can't be that different from holding a camera on the ground. Apparently, this movie doesn't count until I vomit. I also love to, in case we hadn't figured out what that rare possession they were talking about was, the book like ends, like we had the closing shot as a book of Mormon, which could be hours for the low, low price of showing even the most nominal interest in it. Oh, they might as well directly yell at Uncle Doug for putting his in a dumpster right.

I'm saying. I'm joking. Alright. You know what you did. Alright, well, I'll tell you what, normally this, that's the end of the movie. Normally, I would have some kind of a question at the end to ask you guys, but really, that just prolongs Mormon movie month even more. So fuck that.

Let's all just read for a minute. Yeah. The Book of Mormon that we got for free because it's not at all a rare possession. Nope. All right. Well, that's going to do for our review of how rare a possession, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to convince ourselves to come back and do another episode. So Eli tell us what's on deck Well, it's a theatrical release that just happens to be out the other side of heaven

No, yeah more than more men movie month is over this is our last June episode watching it on the 27th So it's technical. It's not right when we watch it. It's about we got for me. It's about when we watch it. Extra tag. Let him do the fucking count. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode two, oh, one to a merciful close. Once it gets a huge thanks to all the Patreon Dodgers. I'll make the show go. If you like yourself among their ranks,

you can make a pre-episode donation at patreon.com. So I got off in there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help me put on my link on five-star review and iTunes and by sharing the show on only a very social media platform. So if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing A, the excitation, the skeptic grad, available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematoscetions, you can email gotoffamoviesadgmail.com. Link in services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Tours, Tim Roberts, and TakeScare ofvie's Gmail.com. Link is over to this podcast or provide it by the law, if this is a P.A. and retours Tim Robertson, take care of our social media, our theme song is written

and performed by Ryan Slotnik of People's Drafts Run Mars, our love and music is written and performed by our audience here in Martin Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right now at LiveBosni, coming to Illusion's Promise to Work Harder, another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Mitt Romney went on to start Bain Capital, with Death Squad money from El Salvador. That's a real thing.

Immediately after this movie, Vincienzo came across a mysterious copy of the AMway catalog and a new lifelong journey began. The God Offer movies podcast was eventually just three guys yelling at footage of a baby sleeping. Where were headed? Not at all rare. Not super available. The opposite of rare. Even by your own standards. Well, I can't not own one. I've tried to not own one. I gave one to a patron this month just for fun. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Do not hang up. Your Google business listing is about to expire. Just actually I used Wix. So what is Wix.com? Wix is the best way to turn your great idea into a beautiful functional website. But your Google business listing is a bad actually, actually all Wix sites include built in SEO tools.

So yeah, Google business listing is fine. Where? Where do I find this Wix.com? Get started now by going to Wix.com. That's Wix.com slash podcast to get 10% off wix.com slash podcast. Amazing. Yeah, I'm actually surprised you're a real person. I was thought you're a robot. You know what I mean, what is love? Yeah, I can't help you with that. I can't help you with that. So f***ing dark.

My dark life is fun. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019. All rights reserved.