God Awful Movies - 202: Father, Son, and Holy Moses

Episode Date: July 2, 2019

This week, Eli and Noah team up for an atheist review of "Father, Son, and Holy Moses", the story of a Christian improv class with a camera saying "You know what's funny? Jews." --- Come see us live in Virginia Beach! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-virginia-beach-tickets-63066905813 If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Now the thing is they're trying to play this is the comedy beat of oh wow he showed up late and he get left because he got a phone call He sure is screwing this up, but the message on his phone is It's dad come to the hospital right away They step on their own comedy beat. They're like, no, I'm not joking with you right now. Let me inside What? Why? Did you only have one shot? What happened? Not awful.

Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I'm your host Noah Luzon's and sitting some damn wears heath and right but he won't be able to join us today However, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm good Noah. Hey, you know who are wacky as all heck? Who's that? Jews Jews. They are the Jews. They're filled with shenanigans in case you are wondering. All right, filling in for Heath early and often I like it. So tell us Eli, let's fill in for Heath a little more. What will we be breaking down today? We watched Father, Son and Holy Moses. It's about how if you play the game of telephone

with a several thousand year old Bronze Age religion, you can make a short film about anything to fuck you want to. Ha ha ha. Well, so you didn't have a, it's the story of, in your notes, so I brought one of my own, just to be on the safe side. I had, it's the story of a bunch of Christians sitting around in a room trying to figure out

what to do with their wacky comedy, and then saying, you know who are funny are Jews. What if we pretended we were Jews? You know, you know how we're always saying like he seems really funny as a code for Jews. Hear me out. We're trying to make this four and a half minute comedy anyway. All right. So you've already teased it, but I might as well ask, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the elders of Zion, but it didn't have enough slapstick, you will love this. It's the expected Barmatzfa.

The history of hell. It's the follow up. All right, so yeah, I believe this is made by the same people who brought us the unexpected Barmatzfa as that correct. It is indeed. Yeah, the only Jews for Jesus that make movies. You've got to really look for the horror movies by the way.

Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to find this on Pure Flicks. This doesn't rise to the level of being on Pure Flick. No, there is a hierarchy of Christian cinema. And when I go to ChristianCinema.com, I am searching for drags and I find it dammit. Oh, yeah, right, right. No, so like just a little behind the scenes for the listener. So even I put together a spreadsheet that has all the movies we're doing along with links to where we're going to find them. And so I can glance at the link, right, and get a good sense of what I'm

getting into, right? So if it's a link to Amazon, then I'm like, okay, so then this is going to be a well shot movie that was made by, you know, by people who actually know what they're doing, but it has a poisonous message. If the link is to YouTube, you know, okay, some kids got together, maybe if they had to fuck it around. If it's to pureflix, I'm like, all right, so this is to poisonous for Amazon. But if it's at Christian cinema.com, home of movies like the accidental activist, where guy act, you know, had to make t-shirts for gay people even though they were gay and the unexpected bar mitzvah where the guy had to be a Jew, even though Jesus was real. I like when we go to christian cinema dot com, I get excited.

Christian cinema dot com. Here's just a little preview. When you click the women's category on Christian cinema. Oh my god, there's a women's category. Oh yeah, it's like four women. It is 100% anti abortion content because the movies women need to watch. It's don't use your freedom too much. Nope, nope. Okay. I guess the audience has already seen the runtime on this episode. So I should explain here, it's not just that we're missing Keith. We had some guests lined up last week when Eli was going to unilaterally extend Mormon movie month, but that didn't work out.

Also, like the closest place playing that movie was over a hundred miles from my home. So I would have had to invest six hours in seeing a Mormon movie with no Mormons to bounce it off of. So we swapped out movies the last minute, very, very sorry if you went to the theaters to see what the hell was it we were going to do? The other side of heaven too, which I did because I don't have a fending gopey IP accounts that are like, no refunds. And I was like, fuck you, I'm getting my $13 worth. So I sat in a Times Square theater field with Mormons and watch that movie. Let me give you the 10 second review. Nothing happens. Yeah. I was afraid it was going to be something like part one. Yeah. Now, I also point out that when we did swap out movies,

Eli knew Heath wouldn't be here, which is as near as I can tell, why he chose a movie that's just barely longer than a commercial this week. If I don't punish him for leaving, he won't learn. It's all impossible. Okay, well there you go. All right, is there anything you want to dominate? This one for being the best,

it being the worst at? Best worst resolution. Look, right? This movie is 30 minutes long, but it might as well wrap up with, eh, it's just a movie. What are you even fucking doing? It doesn't really matter so much.

You know, like right there's a montage at the end of the goddamn movie. The movie ends with the montage unfucked real. Okay, I was gonna go with best worst point of your own existence. Right? Okay, so this is the second movie that we've watched selling the Jews for Jesus concept, but in order for Jesus to serve any purpose, they had to concoct a Brewster

millions level nonsense plot where this guy who loves Jesus, but he would get a million dollars if he became Jewish and then at that point Their entire religion presents itself and goes is this ever happened to you? Yeah, pretty much Which do you care when you're selling Jews for Jesus? This category is by its definition going to be larger than people who still want all the Yamakas, but also love. I'd so take Christianity if I got to keep Yam Kappur and get rid of this Christmas bullshit.

Yeah. All right. Well, there's only two of us in the movie is only slightly longer than an episode of the Big Bang Theory. So we are going to take a break, stretch the episode, run time out a bit, but when we come back, we'll drive into all the aborted improv efforts that were father, son, and Holy Moses. It's also only slightly better than an episode

of Big Bang Theory. So, all right. Most popular television show in the world. That's not it. Ha ha ha ha. Kevin Hart. Eli are you almost done packing for a Virginia Beach live show on July 27th? Yep. Just trying to get my electric toothbrush in a mousseau case.

Is that what that is? Yeah. My grandfather got it from his grandfather who got it from his great grandfather. It's steam powered see Yes, yes, I see can you can you please turn that off? Sorry. Yeah here Eli, why don't you just use quip what's quip? It's perfect oral care delivered. It's wireless design and long-lasting charge means the whole thing fits in your back pocket. Wait, if that compact and convenient, it is. Plus, it's got a built-in two-minute timer that buzzes every 30 seconds to remind you to switch sides. Oh, mine has that too. Well, it actually

needs to refuel every 30 seconds, but that's kind of the same. Kind of. Kind of, kind of, but not. But the best part is that quip brush heads are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars brush heads you change the brush never never mind I love quip because it takes the workout attention to care and it's affordable That's why I love quip and that's why I'm taking it to our live show in Virginia Beach, on July 27th. Quip starts at just $25 and if you go to get quip.com slash awful right now, you can get your first refill pack for free. That's right. Your first refill pack free at GETQIP.com slash awful. Now, why don't you get that thing out of your bag?

Plus whatever this is. Don't touch that, that's not a toothbrush. Oh, okay. Still from my grandpa though. Ha ha ha. From the makers of father, son, and Holy Moses, and the unexpected bar mitzvah. My son, I have one request before I die.

Yes, father. Comes another wacky comedy about those crazy Jews. You're gonna sprinkle your shichache. Oh, no. This summer. Hey, watch out for those hedgeclippers. Zoninks. The unexpected is circumcision coming but you know eventually it'll take a while after the

circumcision is again. I need a day or two at least. And we're back for the breakdown. We're gonna start off on bigotry in when I'm pretty sure his record time because Like the first note of the music was anti-Semitic Right, and if that didn't rise to the level of bigotry I'm sure the title font Credits in comic sands and somehow like if there was a juice setting on the Casio 500 they pushed Well, and if there was a juice setting on the fucking now, fun too, that's what we got.

We got comic juice sands because Jews are funny. Yep. So yeah. So we open up at a class in a Catholic church for almost completed Jews apparently. It's Catholic conversion class. Wow, like you would actually have to learn something like, Apparently, it's Catholic conversion class. Wow. Like you would actually have to learn something like all I have to do is accept Jesus Christ

as my personal savior. So how amazing would it be if he just walked in and wrote on the board snitches, get stitches. Everyone say this with me. Very important at this point in our history. Well, but instead he spends about, I'd say 14 minutes of this 30 minute movie writing his name allegedly on the chalkboard. If my damn notes had a personification and music movie form, it's the two hours and 37 minutes

this actor spends writing for their Jacob's. Oh my fucking. Okay. So this is clearly the first time he has ever interacted with a chalkboard in any goddamn way. He's spent so long writing it. And then the letters are all tiniest can be, but space seven inches apart. It's amazing. I would like, I'm watching this movie and I'm like, okay, if they can fuck up rights on chalkboard, this bad, I'm excited to. He also, he's doing that thing where people who don't know

how to position their body where they're writing on a chalkboard. So we starts out doing the like tango with the piece of chalk where he's back and up. But then he does the far reach thing where you're just your whole chest is right because I don't want to cover when I'm right. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Switch his hands. Why would I try and use my off hand to write, damn it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, you're playing this righty. You're your character is right hand. Let me see, I'm gonna put the chalk

between my toes and do a cartwheel. Mother fucker. Can I give I get it my teeth? Yeah, right. So a significant percentage of the runtime is literally that guy writing on the chalkboard. And I thought that was bad until they do the close up on him. And I got a whole new slate of nightmares.

Whoa. Like, have you read the outsider by Stephen King in between like, I feel like the guy who did the makeup for Chernobyl looked at this guy and said, come on, you're overdoing it, guys, with the extras. This is silly. Come on, you look silly now. Also, he looks like there was an accidental skin donation, right? Like there's a burn kid on a hospital bed waiting somewhere and he was just like the

more the merrier. Yeah, he's like somebody melted gay, Mr. McGoo. It's a very unique look. Yeah, so he sets out his two rules for Catholic conversion class. Rule number one, no cell phones. Rule number two, don't show up late. And wouldn't you know it just then Davey shows up late with a cell phone. Oh my god. Oh, get ready. Okay. But here's the amazing thing. And again, this is when I knew I would love this movie. They try to do the awkward coming in late through the aisles in a classroom bit, right? That classic gem,

but it's a dead empty room with four folding tables. So he just for no reason humps the back of two other students. Yes. When there is nothing but space that he could otherwise use. Yeah, he's got to like walk by the thump him in the head with his bag or whatever, but yes, he clearly has to fear towards them, right? Like he's trying to box him out or something. Yeah. Jesus, also there's seven shares.

There's six people he has to be shown to his seat. No, you'd be this one, the one without a person it. You're fucking idiot. No, don't walk around front Where are there's all this space? Don't want to disturb. I'll just you know what? Let me climb inside this guy and then I'll vomit myself into the other guy's mouth And then I'll ship myself into my seat And then I'll be I I'll have dibs. All right, so yeah, so father, he sits down, father Jacobs goes, everyone here shares that common bond.

Do you know what that is? And I'm like blacklisted from real movies now? Ha, ha, ha, ha. But that is not as insane as the answer. A guy raises his hand and goes, we don't have the same mother. Yeah. What? What? I just want to be in the writers room when that line was written, right? Think of all there must have been other lines that someone considered before they sailed on.

We don't have the same mother. I'm black. He's kind of brown. This dude's Hindu skin. Right, but that's not the correct answer is though that they do have the same father get it. Jesus. God, we like to have fun about our Lord and Savior. By the way, if you're wondering, the only reviews for this movie on the Christian cinema website are one is I hated this movie and the other is one star. Unfortunately, this movie takes the Lord's name in vain. So if you're wondering about the quality of the Reveer ship, yeah, Christian. Well, they got the correct number of stars.

Yes, yes, they did. All right, but yeah, so Davey, he's going to be our main character. He's the one who shows up late. And then he gets a phone call, right? Because that was against the rules too. He's not going to be very good at being a Catholic at all. Now, the thing is they're trying to play this as the comedy beat of, oh, wow, he showed up up late and he get left because he got a phone call He sure is screwing this up, but the message on his phone is It's dad come to the hospital right away. They step on their own comedy beat. They're like, no, I'm not joking with you right now Let me inside

Why did you only have one shot what happened and chased by a rapist. What? Why? Did you only have one shot? What happened? That this movie got created. So yeah, so we followed David in the hospital. He runs through the hospital room and he gets to the right place, but his brother's there first. He says, it's too late.

Dad's dead. Dad asleep that is. Dead asleep. You know, that joke where you tell someone their their parent has died, but it's um, it's all part of fun sibling rivalry, you know, anyway, this will set the pattern for this older brother, younger brother relationship because every older brother prank he will do is an unforgivably horrible thing to do to another human being, right? But the movie treats it like it's big brother shenanigans.

They'd be like, big brother shenanigans. Guess who got your wife pregnant, big brother shenanigans. I'm stealing your birthright Ray Brothers and dad Yeah, right so he goes into see not quite dead dad He walks up to him and then he's he wakes him up, but dad's hospital bed sits up very slowly and sounds kind of like a fart humor Classic here's 30 30 seconds 35 seconds moment of silence for this joke But yeah, so you're talking to dad's like boy, I sure do you remember your bar mitzvah just like it was a doodly do doodly do And okay, so first of all I want to say I've been to a lot of bar mitzvahs

I'm not gonna say I had fun at any of them, but compared to what we're seeing here, I mean, it was, it's three Christians in a room going like, what about Midsfa's look like, and they're like, well, they're religious, and so boring, huh? Probably everybody's sitting quietly, no alcohol. Let her eat. Hebrew yodeling. That is, okay. So that's the best, first of all, this looks like,

this looks like they walked into their churches, A.A. meeting and just the best. First of all, this looks like this looks like they walked into their churches a meeting and just put Yamaha's on everyone and was like, please. But the best part of this dootly do is the camp tour quote unquote doing a guy who's never heard doing juicing right? He's like, boy, Ray, huh? It's rain and man. I know he's not. Come on, man. Juicing right. He's aware that juicing like doesn't have a tune, but he can't. Yeah.

Keep it Jewish. It's pretty phenomenal. It starts to jazz. What he's doing it like Whitney Houston doing the national anthem right every now is 43. Oh my God. And then in the doodly to the kid, the young version of Davey accidentally kills the rabbi in a manner so clumsily film that I have no idea what was supposed to have happened. Yes.

I think from context clues and I am not sure about this. Let me be clear. He takes the Torah out of the arc too quickly. It's Torah cover hits a chandelier, which then lands on the rabbi's head and kills him. Right, but they couldn't afford to like drop a chandelier. Nope. So this happens off camera. We just see him throw something and there's a bang and a boom. And then the fucking rabbi is laying on the year. Nope. So this happens off camera. We just see him throw something and there's a bang and a boom. And then the fucking rabbi is laying on the ground and someone's yelling

you killed the rap. Comedy. By the way, there will never be a moment in this movie where they don't step on a comedy beat with weird insane tragedy. Not a single moment. I expect him to slip on a banana peel. Also, and he's lying on top of a kid in a cage at the Texas border. Wow. Oh, how? We'll see him later. He's in a wheelchair because he broke his back in that fall or something. Yeah.

All right. But it turns out that those wacky shenanigans at the Bar Mitzvah, where he killed the guy, that's the reason that he doesn't want to be Jewish that's why he's going to a class to learn to be a Catholic. So then he decides to tell his dying Jewish father that he's be coming to Catholic right after dad said the only thing I care about is that you're Jewish. Only thing you care about is that I'm Jewish. This is a rough transition. I'm not Jewish anymore.

Yeah, right. Okay, I'm one that, obviously I don't pretend to be a religious around people, but if I'm like summed up into my dying grandmother's fucking bedside and she says, all that matters is that you accept Jesus. I'll be dead in four, three. And I'm like, yeah, except Jesus.

Absolutely. Love me some Jesus. That's a spicy meatball. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, except you just love me some. No one. That's a spicy meat. The ball. I'm by grandma because she's dead now. There's no heaven. You see it doesn't fucking matter. Do whatever you can.

Be nice. Who cares? Yeah. Nobody. The answer is nobody cares. So you should do whatever. Right. All right.

But then the dad finds out he's's gonna become Catholic and he goes, what would your mother say God rest his soul? And by the way, I apologize for doing such a good Jewish accent when I'm trying to imitate this guy, imitating Jewish, but it's, you know, they don't, don't assume that he sold it as well as I do. It's not the most recent moment in the movie, but it's close. Yeah, yeah. Well, but he says, Mom, God rest your soul. Mom's sitting right there on the other side of the bed. Tee, he get it.

He wishes his wife was dead. It's their juice. And they don't love each other. Yeah, that's the joke. Yeah. Sure is. But then, okay, so dad's like, don't worry. I've made some arrangements to keep

you from becoming Catholic. And they are. And then he dies. Right. Right before he can finish that sentence. Except again, because they cannot not step on their own penis every time they do a comedy. He goes, dad, right? Because it's the fake death moment that's in every single comedy. But no, he's dead. He is no longer with us. They just chose to play the comedy beat. Yeah, no, they started with real death turns out to be fake death. So now they have to close with fake death becomes real death closes the parentheses. This is perfect writing. So death don't count. Oh, kill don't tell ya. All right, so now we're at Dad's funeral. And this dude is so proud of this opening shot.

Oh, yes. Because there's people crossing in front of the camera. He was like, all right, everybody gather around. Today we're going to attempt to zoom in. Everyone say it with me. This is gonna require a lot of blockin' choreography three days of shooting This cool brick in the ears Johnny moment everyone get

Yes, so he's doing sit on this couch. Where mom and Davey are sitting there and mom's just talking about how much her dad was super proud of his other son, Bruce, the one that pretended he was dead earlier. Right. And at this point, I shit you not. A group of kids runs behind the couch

and completely drowns out the goddamn microphones in a way they were obviously unaware of women. Which, by the way, not the last time in this movie that they'll just be like, can you hear the characters? No, not even a little. Not at all. Too late. This isn't even the worst.

No, by no means is this the worst. That Jeannie said we only get one shot. Shouldn't have freed him. Snow by it by no means is this the word that genie said we only get one shot Shouldn't have freed him so Yeah, so he's sitting there with his mom and his wife and his wife accidentally spills the beans that he has a big Event coming up now We will later learn if you watch the entire movie then go back to this scene and rewatch it or relive it for a podcast recording that the big event in question is him becoming a Catholic. Right, but they never really

go back and explain that to you. So seems like a weird thing for the wife to be bringing up right now to Jewish mom. Again, the timing in this particular family is weird. My husband is dead, but he always loved you about that. Yeah, so okay, but before they can explain to mom what the big event is, Bruce, the brother shows up and he says, speaking of small penises, I need to talk to you right away, you know. Okay. So here's the thing. This movie will make the little brother joke over and over again, but either they don't know or don't know how to play the little as in little penis joke. So the brother will just keep going little, little, little, little, little, but he doesn't ever just make a dick joke.

It's just like, it's like they thought they could just say the word little enough and we'd get that they meant a joke without going all the way to, you know, the full unholy dick joke. Yeah. Well, they don't want to get another one started with you. So all right. So Bruce and Davey wander off and it's time for them to take care of dad's will. Interestingly, mom is not involved here, right? It's just the two sons.

Just the two sons, obviously. There was never even any thought that maybe some of this money was going to mom. No, apparently. And the will says, each of my sons gets $1 million. He died with exactly $2 million, apparently, to make it nice and easy as long as they're Jewish. She's just feeding quarters into a gumball machine in the hospital lobby. Sorry, I'm really trying to get this to him exactly. Why don't they have my money? No fucking sense if I've got these $18. But yeah, each of them gets a million dollars if they've had a barmitsva, which means

that his will essentially says, fuck you, Davey. Yep. Yeah. Right. Because the other guy's already bar mitzvah. Yeah. But yeah. So here's the plot of the goddamn movie. He has to get mitzvah in the next two weeks.

Now okay. So I'm sorry, Eli, even if let's say there's 40 bucks on the line, right? Let's take out the million. I'm already. I'm already mitzvah. By the time you finished that sentence, I'm mitsfoot. And if you're thinking, Hey, well, this guy drive out of the tri-county area in his attempts to get far mitsfoot. No, in no, with the movie showing it spoiler alert, the movie will show us maps to prove he

refuses to leave the tri-county area. Yeah. He's like, well, I want the million dollars, but I'm not gonna fly. It's only Southwest. It's fine. I can just be a camp counselor or whatever the movie says I am. Yeah. So, okay. So the lawyer reads out the will and then Bruce is like, ha, ha, I'm going to get to two million dollars. I'll use that to build a statue of myself. Yes. Again, the big brother shenanigan that this movie introduces is, I'm going to deny you birthright so I can make a two million dollar marble statue of me. And again, like that's, they thought, he, right? That's a funny thing he could be doing with the money.

That's where their minds went when they needed a humor. What's, what does people do for sibling rivalries? Bro, Dave, you don't get along with your brother. What did he do? Well, he stole my birthright and made a giant golden statue of himself. That's great. We're gonna use that. It's really funny. You killed him, right? I did. I murdered him. Well, yeah, so I got my million bucks back though. So, yeah, so, but then he bruises like, ha, ha, I get the whole two million. And then Davies says, wait a minute, what if I fake being Jewish for two weeks get the million dollars and then I become Catholic? What? But Bruce, he knows all the Jews, right? So he's like, uh, yeah, good luck getting mitzvon anywhere in the thousand or so miles around us.

Good luck getting mitzvon in the world with only a million potential dollars. That's your budget. Right. Yeah. So this scene ends, but not before they have to have a wrestle. And I'm convinced that Bruce just had a thing for Davie and he's like, no, no, it'd be funny if we wrestled. Yep.

Someone was like, and then we wrestled, because these two adult men just wrestle. We just watch a long, long shot of them wrestling. Like an uncostly off camera. Right, because they drop below the fucking table and we can't even see them anymore. They're clearly panceless by the end of this. Yeah, and you're waiting for a cut, but it does not.

It does not, it's whenever you think, if you watch these movies with us, just go ahead and start this scene and then be like, how many seconds of wrestling will there be? You're always short. Always. Even after we tell you that.

All right. So now we, okay, we cut over to Davies House. Davies being very sad. He's looking through his old ju-box. You know how like in some of these movies, they have their dead kid box. He has his whole ju-box. You know how like in some of these movies they have their dead kid box. He has his dead ju-box, I guess. And his father kept an empty photo album of the Bar Mitzvah that didn't happen.

Yes. Get it? Did Dad do that with everything! My son, come closer. I want you to have this. Oh, it's a photo album of the bar mitzvah I didn't have. Yes, yes, and give this to your mother. So VHS tape of our threesome with her Pilates instructor. Wow, you guys had a threesome? Nope. No, because that is blank, but I labeled it. Oh.

Okay, weird. And finally, this is for my favorite son. Okay, you're not, you're clearly not holding anything. That's right. I hate you both. not holding anything. That's right. I hate you both Fuck your face. Oh I'm just saying it could have happened. It could have no well. Yeah, right that would be in keeping okay So he he looks through all of the sad stuff and now I guess he's gonna watch so you're getting mitzvitt for a million dollars, right? All right. Okay.

We head back to Catholic class and my God, they gave me the setup I wanted with this one. Father Melty, I go, what qualities does it take to be a good Catholic? I would go through all the other classes just to be there for that fucking shout out, right? I want to be part of that brainstorming session. I wrote my notes, um, silence. Yeah, right, right. Well, I just, I want to be the heckler, right? Because the one guy goes kindness and I'm like, what about people with AIDS?

And they don't have to go, oh, right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, humility right because the creator of the universe list is so specifically right no that's not Bar mitzvah nope, that's the end of the harbing shit And then Davie cuz he's paying attention to his phone and not the class He sees up on his phone he goes Jesus and that's so funny because that is the right answer you Jesus makes you a good cat but like Jesus Right but again they fuck up the joke because instead of writing Jesus on the board, the guy writes being Christ like on the board.

They don't get their own jokes as the pro. Nope, they don't understand jokes. They are, they're like a computer A.I.s first attempt at jokes like they'd be like, like I expect a Garmin article about like the The new deep blue is tried to write for anti-Semitic jokes It analyzed all the Nazis on Twitter and this is the movie created All right, so speaking of anti-Semitism he goes to a synagogue to see about getting bits of it, but this one's too busy.

Yeah, because his brother is the temple president and won't let him get a bit of a bit of bit, but she does offer him a ceremonial Torah that has his brother's picture it. Oh, okay. That's the joke. Let's talk about let's talk about this prop for just So maybe swag with his brother's picture on it for all the Jews to keep trying to give him right so that he can go there And he's like, no, my brother's been here before too So what they do is what they've done now is that they've printed out a black and white piece of paper with his brother's black and white photo on it. And then they have taped it around the existing Torah. Um, you know two tampons. Great. You know the copier at the library. Also great. Okay. We are ready to make our pro. Word business. All right, but yeah, he just can't get parmits with it. That's

synagogue. So he does some Jew prayers while he works out. They try to get him to improvise some humor with the working out. You almost he's so good at falls off the improv. treadmill. Then he doesn't get it. Don't worry. But he doesn't because he's so good at falls off the improv. God, Mill, then he doesn't get it. Don't worry. But he doesn't because he's not committed to the pit. I can't actually do that. All right, so and then we get this little scene where he's like reading a story about Jesus to his daughter. Oh, God.

But this, this the S.O.B. joke, right? Well, yes, but, but okay, you tell me what this is because I literally could not understand a word, the fucking daughter. Say, I no some point She said you're like Jesus or something in there, but every other time she talked it was literally to me was just God They did not mic her they mic Tim with a love mic and then they pressed her into his chest

So here's the joke. She's like, why is Uncle Bruce a sob? And he's like, what? Oh, and it's like, his mom said he's an S O B. And he's like, you sure have been working on your spelling practice. I rewound the movie to get that joke. Oh my God. That was what I was missing. Thank you. I hate it. Not, not. Yeah, but I get that because I can hear him. He's telling his daughter how awesome Jesus is. And there's a guy. I guess there's another joke in there about how he's like Jesus because he's Jewish like Jesus was.

Yeah. I think they thought that was joke or or like a poignant moment. It's unclear. Yeah. They thought that was joke or or like a poignant moment. It's unclear. Yes. This this movie will never be clear on what it thinks is a joke tragedy or its point. It's all the liver with the same jovial badly mic'd yelling. Yes, sir. All right. So now we get a little montage of him visiting one temple after another and none of them are giving him any luck. All the synagogues have his brother's swag.

You see he's the president of all the temples, which look, this is a pretty unrealistic movie, but there's nothing less realistic than that more than one temple would have the same president Jews hate each other. All right, we invented that rather Rob is going to do so, joke, okay? All right. So then, and this is they really thought they had a comedy beat going here. He goes to the Hicks synagogue. This is an exterior shot. You know how you have to take special care in terms of lighting and audio when you do an exterior shot? No, maybe you could tell these filmmakers about it. They do not like across a football field level, Mike.

Oh, yeah. High definition, relatively large, relatively nice television was like, a volume doesn't go up that high, dude. It's a bad movie. I can't help you. He knows we just we literally we listen to cicadas for like 11 minutes as some blurry blacked out Unlit characters move in the background. It's obvious that they are talking to each other.

Right. So I I because I'm a giver and because I am the Christ like figure of this podcast went and turned it on to my laptop where my volume goes higher and like turned it all the way up and wore sound blocking headphones so I could figure out what the fuck is going on. And it is literally just him going, will you bar mitzvah me? No. And then him trying to hand him the same brother Torah, but on the tip of a shovel.

That's the whole scene. Jesus Christ. Just Christ. Lots of mouth moving along with it. I caught it at one point He says look I don't expect you to fully understand this and I wrote in because the audio is drowned out by all these crickets But that's all I got out of the whole fucking thing. I thought he was trying to give him a marshmallow on a fucking stand

Yeah, that's I written that in my original notes is here in that my original notes is here. I'm a marshmallow. All right. Well, at this rate, Davey will never get bar mitzvah and that's literally all we have in the way of stake. So I guess we're going to call this the act break. All right, biggest assignment this job's ever given to me. Let me get you excited about act three here.

Four more minutes in this movie. Will I figure out suspenseful sounding questions for this movie. Can I make it sound possible to give a fuck about any of these characters? Did the Holocaust really happen? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the Samhouse to pick up his kids no later than four conclusion of father, son and holy Moses. I swear that's how we got the

that's absolutely how we got somebody who's just like, no, because she usually picks them up on Tuesday. So there's I told you guys I said I had a hard out. Don't use movie terms, man. Just leave my house where we're shooting. Noah Noah, I need your help. I just read my uncle's will and we get a million dollars. If we can find.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You didn't let me finish. I'm sorry. Just this whole thing end with a condition where we get a million dollars. I mean, yeah, but then then yes, let's go. You can tell me in the car. Okay.

Cool. I mean, what if I just said that we need still yes still yes cool and and We're back the holocaust did really happen sorry I promised to let you know in the outro of the last bit it did and we're gonna rejoin our hero at Catholic class once again This time talking about the feeding of the last bit it did. And we're gonna rejoin our hero at Catholic class. Once again, this time talking about the feeding of the 5,000. Okay, let's take a break.

When you come back, we'll cover why I was moved here from Boston. Yeah, so I just, I know this is a weird diversion to take, but I am so unimpressed by the feeding of the 5,000. All right, this is the story in the Bible, where Jesus feeds 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fishes. And I'm just saying, you had two cans of Campbell's cream of chicken soup and some frozen

peas. Any Midwestern mother I've ever met could have done that. Oh, 10,000. Pancake breakfast, all of a sudden. And we've got 45,000 up in his mother fuckers. So, I mean, of all the shit Jesus Jesus did that seems like a weird thing to focus on But so they take a break afterwards and there's the two guys the black and brown guy next to him are talking about how much they love that story about Jesus feeding those 5000 people

Mm-hmm and it's framed within how did you get kicked out of your religion? Right and luckily for us the religions all match up to the colors of the skin of the people. Yeah, this is where this movie was like, oh, are you uncomfortable? By the way, that we're treating the Jewish heritage. How would you like us to literally list off all the other religions and heritages

until you are by definition part of hate. Right. So the black guy used to be a Baptist, until you are by definition part of a great haha so the black guy used to be a Baptist but he got kicked out of baptism for cheating at bingo get it because they play bingo

uh... by the way the thing that this movie knows about baptists is bingo we will will and black and black and black yes exactly that black people plan bingo that is their vision of Baptist. The other guy, he was a Hindu. He got kicked out of Hinduism for something I couldn't really tell because he was trying to put on a Hindu accent.

And the guy was from like, I know what? So yeah, I didn't, didn't really work out. Jesus, so many of my jokes are just inaudible in brackets. I get what I'm pretty much, but this is when David reveals that the reason She's so many of my jokes are just inaudible in brackets But this is when David reveals that the reason he's converting is because he he listens to his wife Yeah, oh my fucking God right he's like well, you know my wife's Catholic and they're like do you always do it your wife tells you Pansy boy, I pantsy boy. Let us see your penis is tiny. Did you let you bring it with you Busy with pussy with my fucking god this goes on for three. It's like it's a it's a full this week in misogyny segment Yeah, it's basic. Yeah, it's just like

It's so foreign to me at this point this level of like misogyny that I kept being like I'm gonna get the joke level of like misogyny that I kept being like, I'm gonna get the joke. I'm gonna. Oh, respecting women is the job. Yes. Yes. Exactly. That's the whole joke. You would want to do something to make your wife happy.

Fag. Classic. I've never made my wife happy. But this is also where we learn apropos of nothing and it will never matter that their class will have a catholodictorian. Get it? That's like a portmanteau. Jesus Christ, they were trying so hard. Catholic, Torian, like valid dick, get get it because there's a Victorian. There's a Torian at the end. Stop saying Victorian. James, you're confusing everyone.

This would have killed he that I think right there would have killed he's maybe it's best that we didn't have him. Guys, for the Catholic, the honest, he was on this episode. He shot him. The face at this point in a recording. So we've just we've just cut him from the rest. We're going to use some rewrites and we'll keep him alive for a couple of years.

Yeah, we'll find another guy who sound like sounds like Randalls from clerks to take us place. You won't know a pair of. We got a soundboard. It'll be okay. All right. So now it's time to have porch, porch lunch with the fam because they're so good at these exterior shots.

So if you ever wondered what the bugs in this city sounded like, mostly booze. Jesus. God damn. Okay. So he's not having any luck with the bar mitzvah finding thing. And then his wife says, Hey, you know what? We really have just barely started to make fun of other religions. There's a whole like bigotry montage waiting to happen here. Yeah. Bigotry montage waiting to happen here. Yeah, bigotry montage, that sounds great. But the argument that the movie seems to be making is, why don't you get a bar mitzvah at a church,

to which he does not reply, because then it wouldn't be a fucking bar mitzvah. Right, so why don't you become a more minute Costco? What is that? No one ever acknowledges that religious buildings are different. Yeah, no, uh, no, well, they're Jews for Jesus. So fucking course, they don't.

It's kind of their thing. Yeah, you know what, withdrawn. Yeah, withdrawn. So all right. So now we're going to get the montage of him going to all these various religions trying to get Midsfoot. So the first thing he goes, he does is he goes to a Baptist church, wouldn't you know it? They're playing Bingo and being African American and the only black person in the movie. Also,

doing what they very much informed that actress was black singing. She's like, oh, A4. There's no A and Bingo, but yes, yeah, no, yeah. So no luck with the black Baptist. So he checks the mosque. You ever see a racist guy be afraid to be racist about one of the people? That's this scene and it's still it right because they're like, oh, and now we're at the Baptist place. Oh, bingo time, bingo time. And they're like, okay, here we are at the mosque. Very respectfully treating their state. Yep. Oh, he said, no, be not for any reason. He just can't do it. He's very busy. It's it's funny. All right.

Okay. Now the Buddha is a piece of shit. Fuck you, Buddha. I forgot. Put in the ass with a light pole. Yeah, I don't even know what joke they were going for with the Buddhist temple. They've got sitting on this bench and there's a guy sitting there in like a lotus position or whatever. And he says, I don't speak Hebrew.

And the guy goes, what? And he goes, I don't speak Hebrew. And the guy goes, what? And he goes, I don't speak Hebrew and then he walks off. I don't know if there was a joke there. Do you Asian savages? It's that what it was. Because the guy was again, it was a dude from Michigan, right?

Yeah, it wasn't an Asian dude with an Asian accent or anything. No, it was not and then he has like a tiny little physical beat Where he's like how did he sit like that? Yeah, I rewind it. He's not sitting in full notice. He's just sitting like cross-light Oh, that's a tenth of a Buddhist guy was yeah sitting like cross light. Oh, that's a tenth of Buddhist guy was. Yeah. I was like, oh, you must have been in foot. No, not in. He's just like this, this character is apparently never

sat cross like they couldn't afford a guy who could do full lotus. Get my footwear? No, absolutely not. All right. So now he goes to have it out with his big brother to tell him, man, let me get Bar Misfit and get my million dollars so that they can wrestle some more. And this time Bruce can steal some of Davies clothes from him.

It's like watching little kids fight, right? You ever you watching little kids fight and the rough housing and like no one's crying yet. So you kind of just let it go. I mean, the movie. But the thing is though, like they were going for that, right? They were going for like, look, grown adults fighting like little kids, but like, but it's not delivered funnily, right? It's like disturbing.

It's just like it, it's like if one of them poop their pants, that's not, it is kid behavior, but that doesn't make it funny. Right. And again, the stakes here are his birthright. Yeah. Right. So he keep, he keep being like you rap scallion. You'll bankrupt me and my child will starve. Yeah. But so he leaves his brother's house barefoot because his brother stole his shoes. So now he's going to Catholic class and sandals. And the class ends and he just sits there, right? Cause it's time to have a one on one with the creepy priest dude.

And the priest notices that he's hanging back and I wanted him so bad to be like, oh shit, did I fuck your kid and you're gonna murder me? This happens so. I gotta get that life alert. But yeah, but it turns out this priest remembers Davie. He knew him when he was a kid.

In fact, he was there that day Davie killed that rabbi. Remember from the beginning with the chandelier? His dad treated the rabbi. Yeah, right, because he was because he used to be Jewish back then before he found Jesus. And I don't know what the movie thought they were revealing here. But the priest tells Davey, he's like, you know, it actually wasn't that chandelier

that you knocked down that killed the rabbi. He had a heart attack right before that. So you are not culpable for that man's death. He might as well turn to camera after delivering that line and be like, there, resolve. Many would call this the resolution of the movie. But what was being resolved like is because he wasn't going to go back and be Jewish now. So here's my thought. My thought was this movie wanted us to believe that like part of the reason why he hadn't

been bar mitzvahd was because he was so scarred by killing someone except the movie never played that can seat out except in showing us the event earlier. So it resolves the conflict that it forgot to have. And by the way, here's the other half of that amulet. What amulet? Oh, fuck, we didn't shoot those because Carol was busy. Yeah, every single foot. Oh, I'm Jewish. No, you're not. No, you were never. You were not Jewish. I tell what people who started out Jewish look like. And you know what it's time for now? A montage montage of what just random shit that doing chores, filling out invites.

It's like the goddamn analogy guys on the SAT-8 peyote and made a montage. I like to literally, these are the first three scenes, writing a letter to mom, vacuuming, answering questions enthusiastically in Catholic class. You show me this Venn fucking diagram. I dare you. Things that people with hands can do. I dare you things that people with hands can do Dude I should go throw up these rooms don't throw up Oh, I'm sorry part of this montage is him dropping his phone in the toilet and then drying it off Because that's funny it's just like toilets right am I right?

It is this montage is just devolved into a series of him pointing at things that are generally used in comedy a rubber chicken A banana That he peels What's gonna happen here? There's some potential laughs. There are 18 seconds left in this movie. Oh shit, damn it, damn it. Okay, so yeah. So now the montagins, and he's in his graduating Catholicism thing, right?

The whenever ceremony they have for that. Why? Why would you show the crowd shot here? Why? So first of all, crowd shot is not the right term. No, thrupple shot is actually much better. You have a go like on a fun date with your wife and your wife's friends and then they bring new people. That's triple the amount of people that are already exceeded. Exceeded. A mildly successful cookout would have done better. Yeah, exactly. If they had just offered free pizza, they could have tripled the size of this crowd. Yeah. So you got the three characters that the, oh, sorry, you got the mom character, the wife character, the brother

and the daughter all sitting together in a crowd. You have three other people strategically placed far apart to make it seem like there's more people. I'm lots of people. I'm not. One guy's got a jack at there. No, no, I'm saving this seat for someone. It's holding it up next to him.

Hello. I love you. I love you too, wife, who's a real person. It's like going on a double date with Heath. Yeah. So, okay, but the whole family is there. He graduates from Catholicism class. They're like, you're now a Catholic and they're like, and go guess what though.

Also, we're going to give you a bar mitzvah as a bonus. Don't answer yet. We'll throw in a my pillow as well. Bar mitzvah to which Bruce, I don't know what was the comment bit here trying to stop it, but he just, the daughter trips him so we just watch a full grown man fall and hurt himself. What was he gonna do if she didn't trip him? Right, was there gonna be a Dylan Roof moment?

Like honestly, given what we've seen in this film so far, right, if Bruce just shot everyone dead in the goddamn church, that wouldn't be off. Like, he'd look at the camera and go, whoops, there'd be a slide whistle and credits. A-N-I-A-Stinker. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Apparently though, yeah, on the count of Jesus having been Jewish Catholics

also have the power that it takes to Midsfa, so they Midsfa him. Apparently, I wanted them to do some other ones as well. And you know what, while we're at it, you know, a Buddhist priest. There we go. I don't know. Maybe your wife dies, you're remarrying. Let's just get it all out of the way here. Yeah, you're registered. We have to stay down to in the after this. You're a nutritionist, but apparently because the daughter tripped Bruce, it counts, right? So now he's a Catholic Jewish millionaire. I so want, I wanted father gay, creep, keep her to turn to him at this point and go, okay, so now about Catholic tithing.

Right. This is very important. And that's it. I mean, I'd love to keep going for you guys. That's very important. That's very important. And that's it. I mean, I'd love to keep going for you guys. I mean, you know, maybe we could bring Heath on to tell us what he thinks, but that's it. All right.

Well, as bad as this movie is, I'm sure it's given Eli some idea. So I want to fast forward. It has. Eli, you're on your deathbed. Let's assume you have a kid or two. You've got a couple million bucks to disperse amongst them. What conditions are you putting on that inheritance in your will? Thank you for putting my deathbed far in the future. I want to just make Academy for a don't children Eli. A don't children.

Oh, from now. I'm just grateful for someone that isn't a doctor to finally put my death in after 2020. It feels good. It was good. All right. Well, so here's the thing. I don't plan on mutilating my child's genitals. So how about on unexpected circumcision? Oh, God.

If it's a girl. Yeah. Well, here's the twist. Ah, you weren't ready for that. Someone at home, listen to the podcast just went, ah, here's the twist. Ah, you weren't ready for that. Someone at home listening to the podcast just went, ah, I got you, I was already laughing and then it became FGM. God damn it. Yeah.

Surprise FGM. The Pakistan story. So, all right, well, we don't have a perfect track record of this being correct, but still it's a useful parameter. So we're going to do this bit anyway. Well, this does it for our review of Father, and Holy Moses is not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do the same thing and expect different results next week.

So Eli tell us what's on deck. Beyond and back. It's a little documentary about a little phenomenon known as the NDE. Oh god York Times. It's a experience. Oh, I believe that was our number one episode with citation needed. We love them so much. Hmm. Hooray. Okay, so with that to look forward to,

we're gonna bring episode two to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that don't make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com such got off of them. They're by order access to an ad free version of a very episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes.

And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a deacitation needed in the skeptic rat, available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, just send them out. Excessions. You can email God off on movies.gmail.com, link and services to this podcast are provided by the law.

This is a be Andrew Taurus. Tim Robins and Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotting. If you will, drafts on Mars, all of the meetings we was written and performed by our audio engineer, Mark Clark, and was used with his permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm Noelus, and it's probably going to work harder on another chunk next week until then.

We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Davies' daughter went on to invent the Instant Farm It's F-I-PAD app. Oh, good. Nobody has ever downloaded. Can't imagine why. The children of deceased Holocaust survivors took comfort in the fact that most of their parents didn't live long enough to see this piece of shit. Good to close on a Holocaust joke, guys.

Exactly. Just get it. After. Yeah. after. I get it, it's too smart for you, I understand. It's above my head, what can I say? I don't like that they have so many women I don't like that they have an anti-vax bitch on their show that constantly people have to go like they have to come to me and say Do you know she's super smart? And I'm like do you know she's a fucking idiot with a PhD? Yeah

God Jesus that pisses me off. Oh, she got a PhD. She must be real smart. Yeah, it's something you pay for. Yeah, she bought it. It's like, oh, he's got a black belt. Wow, really? He's 12 years old and he can't ride a fucking bike. The other day, this is 100% true.

Uh, someone tagged me at a tweet because someone was like, she has a PhD, you know, about some pseudoscience idiot. And he just tagged me as, well because someone was like she has a PhD, you know about some pseudo science idiot And he just tagged me as well Eli Bosnick has a second-degree black belt in Taekwondo and the person replied good point I do not want to be that frame of reference. Can I just say? I'm not saying it wasn't a good point. No, but yeah, I can see why you might want someone else to be that guy. What's since highest level of achievement? He's a martial arts player. Okay, all right. Well, that's even better.

So the best part, so dad was a sponsor for the Olympics when he was a kid. And so there's their equipment manager. And once we were all sitting together and he was talking to this girl and he was like, yeah, I actually used to train with Olympians. And I was like, do you like brought him water and shit? I'm sorry, you can't. I know you want to keep up with this girl. But it's only so far.

That's fucking funny. I used to trade with Olympians. I can see you. I'm sitting right in front of you right now. I can see you. When you were you the drummer boy. Were you the dummy? Were you the kick pad where they hold it?

It makes them have platforms. You they did curls with you. They picked you up and did arm curls of since word. Yeah. So all right. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.