God Awful Movies - 206: GAM206 Amerigeddon (Live from Virginia Beach)

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

This week, we take the show on the road to sunny Virginia Beach to watch the things Alex Jones would have nightmares about if the amphetamine-soaked juice box liners let him sleep. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He rolls up this garage door and it's a bunch of cars and a helicopter and a golf cart. And he says, what's this? It's a Faraday cage. All of these vehicles are unaffected by that EMP and it's like, didn't we just drive here in a vehicle? You're being a dick. Man, I have put a lot of money to this goddamn fair they can't eat. My house looks like an abandoned movie house.

I wish you told me. It's so expensive to be this stupid. Ha-ha-ha-ha. God awful. Movie. Movie. OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY OOVY Of course, the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because my co-hosts apparently didn't think I had enough things to be pissed off about. I'm Mirror Host No Illusions and joining me as well, of course, is my good friend. Please give it up for Heath Inwright! Hello.

He you seem so incomplete. Oh, right. Yep. Uh hold on. I got it. We have very weird writers for I put it down here. I kicked it over but we got it. There you are. All right. All right. We got it. There we are. All right, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. Clearly, Heath is now ready to go. Thank you. It's very tall.

I sound bald apparently too. And of course, also joining us, please put your hands together for my bad friend Eli Bosnay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know I've asked you this before, but what the hell are you wearing? Oh! It's Alex Jones movie, so a tinfoil hat. No, right. No, that part I get,, that's the rest of the... I had to be honest, I didn't know this was going on. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can I just be honest, you look ridiculous in those sunglasses. Don't put them in the mouth. Oh, thank you. I was the one you embarrassed. Like there's other ways to get laughs, you know. I'm sorry.

Just don't commit yourself to stick. As I can. Thank you for the note, please. There it is. Oh, it's fun. Did you notice how small his nipples were? It's very, like, the radius was very small. Hey, you like it, you go out just a second before you get,

well, you're still mostly naked, so everybody can see how tiny your nipples are. I just want to make sure that the audience at home knows what they're missing. Okay, we'll get them to, we'll get them to, you know, just give you a lift, right? When he comes back. Okay, shockingly small though.

I'm sorry, it's just like really. You can cover them with a dime. Absolutely. Oh, he's maybe invisible. Yeah. All right, so while we're waiting for Eli to get dressed, I want to throw out a dime. Absolutely. Maybe invisible. Yeah. All right, so while we're waiting for Eli to get dressed, I want to throw out a quick thanks.

We're here in Virginia Beach obviously because you guys are here and we wanted to hang out with you. But mostly we're here because our number one donor for Volgaerity for charity this year, who kind of beat everybody by a fucking mile you cheap bastards. He said, I don't have anybody that I want you to insult, but if you guys could do a live show in my hometown, that would be awesome. So, that's why we're here. Thank you so much, man. And obviously, and obviously, I'm thanking you on behalf of a lot of people at modest needs as well.

So with that out of the way, it's pretty much all fucks from here on out. I need everyone to start paying attention to me again. I almost had a panic attack during that. Oh. It's fine. It's fine. It's just for now. It's just for now. No, it's just for now. I'm going to be famous forever.

I'm going to be famous forever. Whew. All right. So while he gets over, you like it's over that, we'll turn to Heath for a question. So, Heath he tell us What will we be breaking down today? We watched America USA

Jump in on that one quicker wow much better country, okay Get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the, get it on the It's just every conspiracy at the same time. Yeah. All of the theories he's had. Basically, we're watching Alex Jones get fucked by a gay frog and he's fucking loving it. Just for 90 minutes. It's pretty great. I want to clarify in case you haven't seen the movie. It's nowhere near as good as Heath just made it sound, but yeah, actually, no way. You know, I got to have a much more qualified person to tell you that. So, Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you loved Red Dawn, but you hated how realistic and racially sensitive it was, you will love this movie. Audience, bringing in, we've been inside some really terrible brains because of this job. David A.R. White, Maddie P. Ray Comfort, none of those perspectives hold a candle to the Chinese food, flu nightmare that is the inside of Alex Jones' skull. Oh my God. There's so many moments of humanity it's horrifying. I can never go back.

All right, and is there anything that you guys want to dominate? This one for being the best at being the worst at? I would, and this is kind of crucial to our job. Best worst, it was fucking impossible to watch this movie. I don't mean like it was hard to watch the movie for 90 minutes. It was actually fun compared to something, but you couldn't find it.

Like the internet, the whole worldwide web de-platformed this movie. It rejected it like a bad organ trans-verland. Yeah, good reason. Yeah, honestly, I looked so many places, rejected it like a bad organ transplant. That's a very good reason. Yeah. Honestly, I looked so many places, Info Wars won't even sell this. Ha!

Seriously, Alex Jones is an actor in multiple roles, a producer, he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We're not selling that. That's great. I'm gonna go eat meth like a fucking apple and yell about gay frogs being very confusing and ruining the country, but that, and we're not putting that on my lips. But you know who will sell it? The Walmart in Bale, New Jersey. I searched for 11 minutes from my house.

They were just like, you hear for American? Yes, right over there. They've got a whole section. Don't make eye contact with Tim. He will mass shoot. He's like an unfriendly cat. Well, yeah, so that was like literally, we had to buy the damn DVD for this movie.

I know, right? Like we actually had to give Alex Johnson Mike Norris money. But we actually had to buy the damn DVD for this movie. I know, right? Like we actually had to give Alex Johnson Mike Norris money. But we actually had to buy the DVD, and then we had to go buy a damn DVD player, because it was like coal fired, we were scuffling last night, the whole thing. You can't pay for a DVD player, not in food stamps. It's weird, they make you,

they make you trade WEP points for it now. So, actually, but I'm glad we bought the DVD, at least for one reason. It gave me a good best worst. So my best worst is the best worst, critic review, blurbs on the DVD. They had two. One of them said that, the movie the ultimate political thriller That was attributed to Fox and friends You know the guy's the president listens to um and then the other one

This is amazing. I says this movie was a powerful tool in the information water really help wake people up and rally patrons to the cause cause of freedom and justice. And that came from Alex Goddamn Jones, a guy who produced the fucking movie. According to Jerry Brockheimer, this is a pretty good flick. Well, a fucking course he thinks it is. Jesus Christ. It might as well just said Dave at the bottom. I'm going to go with best worst product placement. If there is anything in this movie that doesn't immediately come to mind and you Google it, they're like,

Sault Pills 499. Every single product mentioned in this takes you down a rabbit hole of crazy. So if you want to fuck up your Amazon recommendations forever the other day I was shot I was like my little pony and they were like fireproof question mark. I was like no Clear history Well what I love to about the product placement was the number of products that they couldn't show the like even the I think all the computers just had giant tape right here in the movie and everything.

They were just drinking cola, you know the whole time. Masking tape brand laugh. Unlike us because we are officially sponsored by Apple. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers. Apple computers and I want to fuck now and Artbag, sorry Artbag, yeah, yeah, this on me and Starbucks and Game of Thrones. Artbag, he's shakes without it.

It's a long-tailed marketing, but it works. Loyal customer. Normally, we don't do ads in the live show, but... All right, well, tell you what, we've got a lot of... Oh, sorry. I got a cheer for the poor here now. Do your parents refuse to speak to you? Why not send them a letter with stamps.com? All right, well, tell you what, we've got a lot of movie to get to and the Illuminati could come here to subdue us with juice box lining at any second, so we're going to take

a brief break and when we come back, we'll dive into all the bad shittery that is, Woooow! Pfft! Lulu Lulu. Just doing heat stuff. Heat stuff is my favorite stuff. Heeey! Hey buddy! Oh Jesus! What?

What are you doing? You ready for bed? You like, get out of my hotel room. What are you doing in my hotel room? No, no, no. See, I saved us a ton of money this trip by booking us all to do a room. And Noah's, no. See, I saved us a ton of money this trip by booking us all to a room. And no is actually bunking with Morgan. Oh, really? How do you like that?

Yeah, I mean, you know, no, no, I'm like, what? Why does he go, quack, quack, quack, like that? Right? What's up with that? Anyways, what's that? What was this on your mirror? Oh, this? Yeah. That's my quip. Really? Because usually like, okay, is your quip? You know, like I'll say, and then you'll go, okay. No, no, no, no. My quip toothbrush. It's a wireless electric toothbrush

that makes traveling a breeze. Wow, oh, this one's mine. This is my electric toothbrush. That right there, that wow. That is just so many parts, it's a lot. I need an Allen wrench to put it together. Do you think that I have one? That's the problem, yes.

Nope, well, my Quips Multi-Use Cover works as a stand, mounts to mirrors and slides over your bristles to pack and protect your quip on the go. Oh, I wrap mine, my electric toothbrush in a trash bag. Yeah? No, I see that. I see the bag right there. It gets a stank if you don't take that out.

Yep, I'm aware. But the best part about Quip is that brush heads are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just $5. And that's a friendly reminder, when it's time for a refresh and to stay committed to your oral health. You're supposed to change the brush heads?

You super duper are supposed to change the brush heads. Yup. That's why I love Quip and why I'm taking it to all our live shows. Quip starts at just $25 and if you go to getquip.com slash awful right now, you can get your first refill pack for free. That's your first refill pack free at g-e-t-q-i-p.com slash AWFUL. Sounds pretty good.

Now, here's the real question, Heath. Big or little spoon. Neither, nope. No, it's at the same thing. Okay. See, that's your quip. See. Nope. No, I said the same thing. Okay. See, that's your quip. Okay. Alex. Buddy, please, gentlemen, call me Alex. We, we did. Yeah, I was

anyway, I gotta say we've been looking over that movie script that you wrote, and we fucking love it. So great. So great. I mean it's got action, it's got comedy, romance, it's got everything. And the message. Yeah, it's such a great message that so many people need to hear, man. Thank you, thank you boys. I really put my heart and soul into this thing. Yeah.

There's just, this is one problem. Oh, did I send you child pornography? I'm sorry. No. No, that's, it was my email. No, that's not what you were talking about. You did not send us child pornography. We don't own any child pornography before or after you.

But why do you ask? Do you have a date? Oh, okay. I'm sorry, that's, no. I need you to not ask about that. They don't agree. That's fair. You're right.

Right, so the problem with the script, it's the names. The names? Yeah. The names of the movie? In the movie. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. Are you okay? Yeah. You're squinting a lot. You know what it is? The brain presses forward. It's, oh, it's a forward brain.

Hmm. Forward brain. You ever have like a full car? Okay. Not. It's going on in here. Okay. Yeah like a full car? Okay, not. It's going on in here. Okay, yeah. So I built X. Yep.

Problem with the movie, go on. Problem with the movie, yeah. So the names, the young soldier in the movie, his name in the script is Alec Jones. Alec Jones. Alec, yeah, that's a good American name. Well, right, but doesn't that seem a lot like, like your name? Like exactly the same.

No, but I understand, my name is Alex Jones. Well, his name is Alec. Right, right. It's very similar. Anyway, so moving on to the radio host. Character, yeah, who has the compound compound in Texas. I love him right his name is Jalik owns It's a Swedish name no, it's not though. It's not you don't even move on the mayflower. No, no

They didn't but pin it pin in that his wife Jalik's own sister's wife. Her name is Alexandria Joessina, which is very clearly just like the feminized version of your name. I don't see it. Maybe it's because you're squinting. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'm a man of compromise.

Let's change a few things up. I get your notes. I don't understand them, but I'm a reasonable guy. I don't know. Let's rename the liberal Congressman character. Huh? Okay, sure. That would be great. Read it. Let's call him Kaik Norris. And we're back. Oh, wow. All right, so we're going to start this one off with one of those worlds going to hell news

montages that four out of every seven Christian movies begin with. Now, I've got gotta point this out. This is the most amazing fucking thing. I don't see anybody else's, I don't see this in anybody else's notes. I don't know if you guys noticed this. There was a riot scene in that news clip with the police, the riot police are beating up a man

and a goddamn panda. It is true, there is. That, I think that was you. They couldn't find a normal person getting beaten up by the cops like gas Right and the whole point. It's just a montage about like the NSA is monitoring all your stuff and I mean I'm on a list for watching this movie. I think that's valid We're going to this I'd be worried if we weren't yeah, so we're definitely on a list

I'd be worried if we weren't. Yeah. So we're definitely on a list. So, and need to converse. Also, I love this bit too because they have a little speech from Obama that they splice in here, except for they cut out all the knots, right? I do believe in Barack Obama, and I love Nazis. Yeah. All I wrote for this scene was the globalists are in fact coming for your vital fluids. This movie. Yes. Exactly. So they say new world order a lot. And

also, by the way, Info Wars is part of their news montage. Right. They've got BBC CNN, Alex Jones. All right. And now we cut to a Senate hearing, and you can tell it's a Senate hearing because there's a sign above them in the local library that says Senate hearing. Drawing cranges. Senate is spelled with three E's. There's an H in there that got crossed out, some tears of whoever did the first draft of the sign. And of course, the senator, the main senator, will be played by Alex Goddam Jones, which means two minutes and 35 seconds in, he's playing multiple roles. This motherfucker can act!

If this whole thing was just him like Eddie Murphy Oh! Oh! Best! I will tell you right now there is no amount of money I will not dedicate to meet the Crumps with Alex Jones In blankly Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

This is what they're like Oh God I was Alex Jones. I was channeling him. I see. You're mad at him. I'm too late. So, yes. The Senate hearing apparently, Senator Alex Jones is there being like what he thinks the

senator is and Bichon and Pisson and Wyne and the guy that's testifying is a retired business person. So, that's some pretty solid qualifications there, who is worried that the government isn't doing enough to protect America's power grid. He says, I'm here about our biggest threat. My notes are just like, please say juice, please say juice, please say juice. He says everything but juice.

He says to say juice. Yeah, but basically saying the power grid is going to get attacked by China, Russia, the rest of the world. I don't know. Yeah, someone. Something like that. And that would mean electricity would literally cease to exist. Direct quote.

Direct quote. Direct quote. Well, wait, I wrote this quote down because it's so amazing. He said, if they use their anti-power grid weapons, that's not the direct quote. Quote, we will lose all forms of power, including kinetic energy, I guess, and ions out. No more ions. No more fucking ions. And electricity will no longer exist. Right.

And the internet would go down. Yeah. And even the steam powered one of them. And therefore, money is gone. Yeah, banking, no. Banks, the electricity's out, they just light the gold on fire. And there's no more money. That lady behind the desk hits her like Windows 95 computers twice.

Fuck it, Carol, let's go! Puts on a road warrior mask. Let me get a mask. People stealing my pens. They're fucking first. So, all right. So yeah, so the senators though, they don't want to hear his bullshit about protecting American lives and shit.

So they hustle him off, and he leaves, but there are a couple of like bad guys plotting in the back of the Senate I get in the evil bad guy box of the right. Yeah, exactly what a hecklers from the Muppets. Yeah, the doorway like that's the worst Routus thing they do they shut off the power grid and kill millions of people, but they're those people who stand having a Conversation right in the door everyone has to get we're selfie right in the front of the subway platform right yeah, but what they're saying as they're plotting evil is you know one guy says wow if people start listening to that guy we're in a lot of trouble with our evil plans and then the other guy says don't worry they'll just paint him like a lunatic just like they did to that other honest fellow Alex Jones. Stop stroking your beard. It was almost beard masturbation at a certain point. I'll see you on Friday night for our religious I'm Jewish. So. All right, now we have to introduce this woman that's also in the movie and I never know

who she is, who she's related to or why. So I have a theory. Alex Jones, he rides around his little compound in a golf cart screaming things she can't see. Right. And he must have a neighbor who's a nice rich middle aged lady who like sometimes when he's hitting the ground with a golf club saying slurs, she comes over

and she's like, hi, Alex, what are you doing, bud? Cause he's getting close to her property. He is sure that when the end of the world comes, he's gonna take this woman in and fuck the shit out of her. And that is why this character is in that situation for this character, okay. All I know is that she's got a couple horses and she's talking on the phone to somebody

who must be talking really fucking fast based on how fast her responses are coming. It's just like, uh-huh. And then what? Well, for real, I have time to finish what I'm saying. The other end of the phone must be, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Well, I have time to finish what I'm saying. The other end of the phone must be like, we're not getting anything done. Also, just tiny note, the horses that they got

are not like movie horses that notice, stay still and not turn towards the camera. So it's like the back of the nose cast. The horses are just like, whoa! Am I on fucking TV? Look at my horse. You're dead, dead.

Look at me shitting on TV. I'm not even looking. Oh, God. It's better when a horse says that they're when your co-workers do. I will say that. So now we got to a paintball course. I'm sorry, an urban military training center. And the soldiers here are noticing that there is something that's just not quite right about

these training exercises. Why the hell are they training on taking out people on streets like river street and what not that sounds like America Hmm, is it weird to you guys that it says evil layer across our face? I thought that was you see the eye of Sauron on the top of that I did see the yeah, does that feel I thought it was for cable for cable honestly We do get good channels We do get good channels. Cooking and the food network. The VA is awesome.

Just the food network. Bucket, I love dessert. Yep. So then we cut to the last resort, which is also known as a house, right? I don't know what the hell the blur was trying to convince us of. It's Alex Jones thinks this is his real life. This is his like ranch that he thinks he has in Austin or whatever.

Oh, okay. You must, by the way, because this is a beautiful like mansion on a gorgeous estate. You must watch this movie and then you must Google what Alex Jones' ranch looks like. So sad. It's like an old movie theater

that still shows like laymins and you're like, hey, bud, we've had a bunch of movies since then. I make the popcorn myself. You're like, oh man, it's the house version of that. It's everything's a fairytale cage and nobody cares. I just love when we introduce this, we meet this character Charlie now this Charlie is obviously the Alex Jones analog in the film and Charlie's looking up in the

sky and there's an airplane flying overhead and he's like yep sending their damn drones over my property again. Yeah. And again Alex Jones clearly wrote that part or whatever he lives in Austin which has an airport. Yeah. Some planes, it's all Dallas is there. You know, there's airports. There's planes going over. But every time a fucking airplane goes over Alex Jones's house, right, he's like, oh shit, y'all, get in the third-age.

Fire in a gun straight up. Get that Kim Traylon, bril out, y'all. And by the way, this drone, it might as well be a child's drawing, being pushed over photograph of the sky with a ruler. It is so fucking bad. Foley by bbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The only time I've heard less realistic sounds is when you're trying to get the baby to eat, right? So, also, we're going to meet another character here. If this movie's got a lot of fucking characters for you to keep up with, this is the state Senator character, which he's a nice guy, but he's just naive as a little hell.

He doesn't get what's really going on with the Illuminati. We meet him and his daughter. He's talking with Charlie, the Alex Jones analog about the, I guess the drones over his house or whatever. Yeah, right. Something. I don't fucking know. The exposition.

Yeah. And the key here is that the daughter character, right, who I was pegging at about 15, but apparently supposed to be a college girl. And she's basically telling her dad, like, hey, why do you waste time with that nutball conspiracy theorist because Alex Jones imagines the reason that nobody in politics will talk to him is because the pressure from their liberal teenage daughter which i can't get you on the phone for lover money do you have a daughter what do you mean you're calling the police again? And I guess we're supposed to be watching this movie looking at her going,

oh you liberal elitist, bitch or whatever. But like from our perspective it's like, oh they had a sensible person in the movie. Yeah, it's just sneaking here. Because as she gets out of the car for no reason she's just like, all right dad, I'll see, I'm an abortionist. Yeah, who abortions? They accidentally let her talk for a little too long. She's oh Alex Jones guy he's a libertarian you like that cool He's like pro choice across the board

Got it there were six takes where that girl got side tackled by Mike Norris All right So now we cut back to the soldiers and they're just hanging out, you know, shooting bottles like soldiers do. Well, bottles or Muslim people, well, they're imagining they stop. They shoot all the bottles and they stop and they have like a like a repartee on it. What was your bottle? In my head, I was killing Muslim people. Okay, me, I was killing a Muslim here. Okay, the honest, which Muslim person

were you killing on? I will say nothing. One, two, three, you know more. Oh, I'm so glad I tried to kill Terry because my mom was hard. All right ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alice, if you sidetack, I'll have a tough point. Everybody will be so happy. Yeah, no, exactly. Okay, all right, all right. We have a volunteer. It's a volunteer military. We should also, okay. So as they're hanging out, they're all hanging out, shooting their bottles, you know, being soldiers and shit.

And they notice that they're colonelists over on the other side of this pond, having a secret meeting in plain sight of every fucking body. And this car pulls up and it says, it almost, it should just say, unspearters K on the side. We can see you, you're literally five feet away. Okay. So yeah, so he goes up to this,

this UN car pulls up and this is just the most hilarious moment. The back doors open up and the most cliche, possible Russian military bad guy gets out one side. The most cliche possible Chinese military bad guy gets out the other side. It's Mao Zedong and Ivan Drago. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. So he parlaes with them for just a couple of minutes. And then we cut to a new character, some young girl who's chopping wood. This is the young girl with the braces with Granny. Oh, yeah, okay daughter of somebody who was this. I think she's horse ladies daughter.

So matter about 40 seconds before the end of the movie. Yeah, well, to extend to anything matters. Yeah. So we meet her, we also meet Granny. Now this is the woman with a horse's mom. Mm-hmm. She comes in and she says, Mom, you're not taking your cancer medicine.

Yeah. And Granny goes, it's okay, I'm living on faith now. Yep, I wanted so bad for her to die right there. Just, I'm living on fur. What? No, miss. Old people who won't take their meds, Alex Jones is target audience. Well, but she also explains that she doesn't really need medicine because the world's

gonna end any minute. Now, you see what's going on. She transitions directly from, look, I don't need to take my meds. I see the end of the world in my dreams. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, so now we have to cut back to the military briefing here

where the soldiers are being told that the number one enemy is now freedom. Ha, ha, ha. And I want to talk about this main character guy. Okay. He's handsome, but he's made from a bad mold. Like you know, one out of 12 barbies has to like go into a garbage disposal somewhere. His eyebrow bone leads down into his ear.

Like, I don't believe in reptilians, but this guy's forehead is a great reason to start believing reptilians. And just the whole movie, no one ever acknowledges that it's just like, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr It's fucking weird. But yeah, so the kernel is explaining to him that they're gonna have to stop with all these foreign wars and shit so they can fight Americans like they were meant to. The soldiers are getting more and more suspicious. You know, main character isn't buying this kind of shit.

And then we head over to Dubai, which is where the UN Chairman's office is. No, that's not a thing. That's not even a thing. no, that's not a thing. That's not even a thing. No, that's it. There's so many people that exist that you could use. Or cities. There's a lot of people that are wrong.

Well, there's a thing that you went to New York. That's the Jew city. Why wouldn't they just do it there? That's the sin. Couldn't afford any external shots of New York. They couldn't get the rights to the Manhattan skyline. Where are there a lot of Jewish people to Dubai? Is that?

I mean, like it's Dubai. Smir like Dubai. Don't share that recording. So Morgan cut that out. Not a lot of people know this. Morgan is actually the info wars editor as well. We cannot face him. He's just like, whatever, go and fuck some kids.

Just don't email it to anyone else's lawyer, man. I'm fine. Well, this is what editing is, by the way. It's a single hand crank, and then you push it the other direction. What is he doing? He's not even doing it right now. Crank it. We have to stand in there.

What the fuck, man? Losing his hole at most. More than I just want you to know that Alex Jones is from your fucking state. You did this. So, all right. So this meeting though, that the UN chairman is having with his evil secretary lately. That's still 7 billion people. That's the beginning. Seven billion people. That's the beginning. Yeah.

Well, no, so he goes, well, the earth can only sustain 500,000 people. And definitely, and she's like, I have a plan to kill seven billion people. Oh, well, that's good. Good. We got right. We're head. Weird meeting. But we got, I guess we're done.

Cool. We got straight to the point. No, wait, because he has to say, but what if Alex Jones wakes up the sheeple? Don't worry, it never happened. It never happened. He also has this great moment where he goes, it's like a good friend, Henry Kissinger once said, Kissinger.

I'm Jewish. The Holocaust was bad because, wait for it, wrong genocide. Not chosen well, wrong genocide, not chosen well. But genocide, I got a Nobel Peace Prize for that. So, yeah, they say, you know, they're like, yeah, I didn't try to give it back. So, yeah, they're like, you know, we're going to have to kill a lot of people, but don't worry, once they start seeing their kids starve of the Americans, they'll come, because they have to say, you know, we're going to go after America first. Right? Because that's the one country where they have the most freedom. And if we're trying to take away freedom obviously you

got to take out America. And they're like, I don't know the Americans will never go far. It's like wait until we starve a few of their children. They'll come around. And then they literally say, if we do concentration camps in the US, if we ever do that in the US, they'll resist a little probably. But I mean, I'm guessing they'll just argue over the terminology more than anything else. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.

New world order. Yeah. And then he's got one glass of whiskey and he does the like evil swirl whiskey thing and the other lady's like oh yeah you're just gonna swirl it. So Mike it's swirl your all right we'll eat swirl it once. I drank too much apple juice during the first two takes. I don't want to name all. Yucky. All right. So now we've got to go back to this training exercise that the military's all pissed off about.

The one soldier's like, I don't feel good at training to attack American citizens. And the other guy goes, well, you know, the Boston bombers were American citizens. To which the third soldier says, I don't know about that. I don't know if I believe that. Because the movie gets in an argument with itself. And loses. Yeah, well, so here's the thing. Okay, so just to be clear, they were American citizens.

And I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but I guarantee you that Alex Jones' listeners do. Right? They're like, yeah, right, as though those were the guys that bomb, right? They're going like, well, Barack Obama is the one that bombed those balls. I'm sure it was something like that. All right. So then, so what they're training for apparently is, wait, you know, as all the conservatives have been telling us for years, they're going to come for our guns one of these days. And that's what they're training for. To ask nicely for everyone's guns. Yeah. So they go to the first guy and they're

like, Hey, man, do you have any guns? And they're like, he's like, no, he's like, can we check? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, oh, that's gonna be pretty easy. He's great. And then he says, but I gotta warn you, my neighbor, he's a bit of a patriot.

You know, because that's how we refer to the gun, not so sorry. He's a little patriotic, if you know what I mean, little smur-smur-want. What? But yeah, he warned him that he's a little patriotic, if you know what I mean, little smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur-ur-smur-smur-smur-smur-smur pretty good and the American colonel saying, yeah, he's basically like the main character really. Well, he also tells us that he can quote, shoot the eyes out of a turkey at 100 yards. What? Rural people, is that a contest you have? That is not what a turkey shoot is, no.

Okay, because I don't know. Do you bring in Muslim turkeys to make it more exciting? I just want to know, you know, do you bring in Muslim turkeys to make it more exciting? I just wanna know, you know, can he do it at 110? How do they find this out? Yeah. Yeah. They're all doing target practice.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, guys, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got up with the thing that you'll be able to use to describe me. Hold on, one second. This is one I turkey. And also, he's a wild card. I mean, it doesn't say that on his shoes or anything.

We're just taking this kernel. It's a great way to describe a character who doesn't have other attributes. What can we say? Oh. Don't worry, he'll be back. We just have to do the rest. We got all full movies. Hard to get through.

Thank you. So Thank you Name and add so tall not tall so okay Now I'm just a drugs drunk. Oh drunk. That's good. That's a truck in one health guard All right, so they go to the neighbor's house the patriotic guy. He comes to the door, they're like, do you have any guns? He liked... Sorry, he this blowing bubbles in his scotch. You got a lot, my eye.

Oh. Get some faster straight to your eye. I'm not gonna... Yeah, as you gonna say I am not gonna give the listeners at home any kind of context for that at all except then they now know that he's went to drink scotch and wound up with an awful lot in his eye. It's got a drinking problem like an airplane. So they go to see the neighbor, the patriotic neighbor, they're like, do you have any guns? And he's like, I sure do, they're all lily like I've got me one of the minnets.

What the hell you can do about it? And they say, well, you know, Marshal Law has been declared. We have to confiscate your guns. But he doesn't give, oh, I'm sorry, he doesn't give a spit about Marshal Law. No, that. The other thing is, the actor that they got to play the Patriot is African American. So they are not, so everyone in the movie is basically just like, Huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I'm sorry, what's that, sir? You don't want to give up your guns? I don't, no, I don't want to give up my guns, man. Hold on, hold on. Is this Ralph Northam, or is that, is that a real, no? That's the governor of your state. Yeah, you're state, not ours.

I guess I can't say much about flying. No, he doesn't have time for back face. He's too busy taking the rights away from women, so. All right, so yeah, but so the gun nut guy, No, he doesn't have time for back face. He's too busy taking the rights away from women. So. Oh. All right. So yeah, but so the good nut guy, they try to go in his house. So he shoots one of the soldiers in the dick. We have a practice paint, but not really that.

Yeah, we have to paint guys in or something. This is a training exercise. So he's just the guy in the dick and goes to run away. And then they catch him and the movie gives me my favorite line, the clip that I will always remember this movie by, they throw him against the wall and they're like, hey man, what makes you think you can shoot one of my soldiers in the dick?

He says, man, I just do what I'm told. I'm just a crisis actor. Oh! Oh! Listeners, I have many regrets. Ha ha! A lot of things I didn't say to my dead father. Listeners, I have many regrets. A lot of things I didn't say to my dead father. Heaven always been a good partner.

Her people when I was younger, but my greatest regret was not being in the room when no illusions watch that scene. That's why I don't sleep at night. It took me so goddamn long to watch that scene. I wanted to see this guy get that job too. That's insane, right? So you want me, just to be clear, I'm an African-American gentleman. You want me to shoot somebody in the dick, soldier, and then explain calmly that I'm a crisis

actor. It's going to be fine for me. Yep. You're all good. Yeah. Nothing will go wrong here. No. They'll all have machine guns. They're all woke.

No. All right. So then we head back to the college where that liberal teenage daughter of the senator was going. And this is amazing. They just have to have like something for her and her friends to be saying. So she comes in and she's like, I'm so excited. I'm gonna get my paper published and her friends go,

wow, you'll have your own manifesto. And no, same people don't have those anymore guys. That's the thing you do. Okay, it's so wonderful. My professor told me I'm literally going to kill God. It was the bad. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. He's really good. My white genocide professor is on literally going to kill God. It was the bad. He's really good. My white genocide professor is on my god love him.

Yeah, he proved my thesis. And other thing, my drama professor got me a call back at Sandy Hook. I'm pretty excited. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, so all the liberal college students are celebrating how they're going to rid the world of god and guns at yeah right right uh... so then we had back to uh... the main

soldier guy he's uh... report to his superior officer superior officers very pissed at him for not handling his dude getting shot in the dick better right we do not lose our temper in war. Ha ha ha ha. But again, he's all pissed off because he doesn't want to be, like he doesn't want to take guns away from American citizens. So the boss soldier's like, hey motherfucker, you know, you got to do that. Then like the next thing, he's sitting out there, he's talking on the phone, whatever,

whatever. The Colonel comes by on his 1937 motorcycle with a cigar that apparently this movie didn't have the budget to light like seriously they borrowed a fucking cigar and they're like all right but you better give it back for this movie and what's great is he's one of those guys who like likes the motorcycle but doesn't know how to ride one so So he ambles over with it, right? He's just like... ...which, it's really just a metallic big wheel, so it doesn't come across the way he wants

it to. Also, the conversation they have is apparently, in case you need a motorcycle later on the movie there's one right here right awesome cigar I don't know what no we do have to give it back number I just the most the guys motioning that he wants is on the car back so all right now that we come back to the UN chairman who calls to tell the president that the conspiracy is underway well um which conspiracy what would be the name of it? That would be Operation Dark Star. I want to be in the room when they make up that name.

Dark Star? Do you want to maybe rename it? Evil but-holes. No. Death Star. Death Star. No, that's... Oh, right. Do you have a better idea than that star. Blood, dark, blood, just blood, blood, blood, dark, wing. Dark wing is the cartoon hero, dark, no, you're right.

Dark wing, dark, and he said it slower. You know, we're going to go dark star. We're going to go dark star. That's great. Let's, oh, and we haven't even mentioned the, where all of those movies budget, what we haven't even mentioned, the goddamn satellite yet. So the star on the shelf, right? So there's this satellite that's floating through space.

Base. They spent $73 fucking dollars on this graphic. They were gonna get every minute they could out of this thing, all right? And when I love so much about the damn motorcyclist or the satellite, and I believe it was you that put it in this out last night, it has fucking indicator lights on it. Who are those four? Is this an astronaut floating in front of it? It's green.

There's a satellite ready. Let me check. It's green. I wanted it to break and for them to be like, fuck, we got to go send Rick up to hold the button down for three seconds. You got to go. You got to go. Can you unplug it from space and plug it back in?

Did you wait? The 10 seconds? That counts. Why does it Did you wait 10 seconds? That counts. Why does it have program for 10 seconds? All right, so then we have to cut back real quick to the granny and her daughter and heard the three generations of this family that apparently matter to this movie. Like the granny is basically explaining to her granddaughter that the illuminati's coming

and you're going to have to be ready to fight or something. And do we get the line? Is this when the mom is like, um, a gram? What did she say? Um, my mom will yeah, my mom is starting a militia and my daughter wants to join it. Right. Right. I'm like educated Archie bunker. I don't know Like a sad sitcom liberal mom in Texas Now if you two can't get along I'm gonna put a line down the center of this Faraday cage the house and

Take your salt bills All right. So meanwhile, the soldiers are now getting the word, right? The Russian colonel and the Chinese colonel have come in to explain to him that there is no longer a United States of America. It's a one-world government now and they need to disarm the American populace. We're just called Russia, it was easier. We had to do a name that was the bigger country. So the russian guy he can't help but speak in the air quotes he's like we will be friends and work on exercises together do you hear what you do in there you keep pausing and you're actually making the air quote oh

no that is the emphasis bunny Oh no, that is the emphasis bunny. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK, let's do this. Yeah, so like in Russia, we believe that you have a little bunny who lives with you at all times. He's the ghost of your great grandfather. And when you say something especially true, he agrees with you, right? Emphasis bunny.

Like Megan McCain does not belong on television. Right? OK. Oh god. One more government, let's do it all right So meanwhile granny goes to Charlie's race I have no idea how these people are related to each other whatever but granny goes to Charlie the Alex Jones analog goes over there his place to talk to him about the impending Illuminati apocalypse thing right and

The kids are just shooting an A-HR-15. Yes. For funsies off the porch, just shooting, they're like, trap shooting humanities professors at a... Oh, women's studies. I wanted them to get off the shed, yelled at, like, kids safety on, I fucking mean it. We will get in the van and go home. off the shed yelled at like kid safety on I fucking mean it.

We will get in the van and go home. You aim at the sandbags. I didn't see him not aim at the sandbags. I'm shot through the window. All right, so he watched that for a little while. Then we cut back to the soldiers. The main character soldier is looking at his picture of his girlfriend on his phone as ex-girlfriend, who is the state senator's daughter. There's a lot of fuck. I should have yarn and contacts behind this

one. Or just to know all character relationships doesn't matter either way. That's true. But while he's sitting there looking, pining over his ex-girlfriend, one of his buddies comes up and he says, Hey, man, this is a digital recorder that I kept of the kernel admitting that we were going to kill American people just in case we need this in act three. Well, again, I don't like to give notes, but he's like, hey man, this is a digital recorder! Like... Pfft! Just in case we needed a jeep!

Woo! Taking a knee for coach! Huh! Is for the gipper! Huh! Huh! He has the award! No, no! A lot of dicks out again. Should've come to the live show. a

the supreme chancellor whatever the u and he says i love this bit because he goes release the device so that's a dedicated phone like commissioner Gordon has and then he does my apparently his his other job, other than telling people to release the device

is to stand it as window like this. He does that for about 25% of his time on camera. All this dude does is make evil phone calls. I want to watch him like order a pizza to a place that's too noisy, right? It's just like, no onions. No, no, yes onions on the, oh god, I'm going to kill. I'm glad you're going to die. Let me just point it out right now. Did you release the device yet? Because that's your entire job today. Trying to get the pizza ordered. So we cut back to the satellite. The indicator lights have now turned green. Yeah, that's the danger one, not red, apparently. And then they fire.

They sell the ass missile. If it turned red again, would they be like, stop it, stop it. Hold on. But they fire a missile out of a satellite. Yep. Yeah, so they fire this missile in America and we get this amazing explosion, right? Like it might as well be a firecracker sitting on the globe, right? With like Elon Musk riding it like slip-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick Slip it into fucking Dr. Stubb. We were $400 budget dollars away from this, just being Alex Jones and a red onesie being like, Fire explosion! And...

Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom, kaboom! Oh no, I'm a Jewish in New York, kaboom, kaboom! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Here I am again, San Francisco, kaboom, kabom. Ha! Ha! Alright. And then, so now apparently this was not, it was a nuclear bomb, but they didn't, they didn't blow anybody up. This was just for the EMP, because in movies EMPs are fucking magical. So yeah, right?

So they blow up this bomb and then we have to go through all the main characters, seeing the power go out. And they all freak the fuck out, because the power's out and they all freak the fuck out Because the powers out yeah, like the powers are for two seconds and everybody's like is this this end the world Okay, or just the lights went out it could be Watch that world during like brown outs right where it rolls Sorry Rolls their different. Ah, purge, purge! Oh, sorry. No, it's not it. Hold on, your email's low.

Oh, look for it. Oh, it's back. It's back. It's back. I just have this picture of a pissed off Alex Jones every time the power goes back up, wiping the shoe polish off his face, hanging up his being a little goat doing.

Dude, just keep the shoe polish on. I don't know how Northam does it. This takes forever He's a Democrat man me So yeah, so Granny's pretty sure that the power out his signals the end of the world I look at the okay, there's a character here who Andrew called Uncanny Valley Michelle Fyfer. I thought that was pretty much nailed it. I have no idea who the fuck this character is supposed to be except to say that she's

hot and this character is supposed to be Alex Jones, the Charlie character. So I think Alex Jones is like, yeah, there'd probably be a real hot chick with a gun hanging around me though, right? Yeah, no, he thinks like Electra, the character is his bodyguard in your life. Which again, look at the character in this movie and then Google Alex Jones bodyguard. You will not be disappointed! Imagine an animatronic anthropomorphic truck that didn't make it into Cars 3. You just pictured Alex Jones' bodyguard.

All right, so it's time for the soldiers to move out, but main character soldier dude, his name is Brandon, by the way, I'll call him Brandon from now on. So Brandon doesn't want to be a soldier anymore apparently, so they're like, come on, let's, let's move out. So he turns to his superior officers as hold on a second, which it was fun during the platinum night watching all of our ex-military listeners, try and internalize that mind. So for those such thing as hold on a second. With your superior officer. How amazing would that be through military history, right? Like patents doing the speech in front of the flag

and someone's just like, oh, oh, oh, hands down. No questions. Hands down. We're real quick. Real quick. What? Can I go to the back? Oh my god, you're the worst.

Oh my god. What? But here's how that actually plays out. Brandon, the soldier guy, he says, hold on a second. Colonel, I'm not going to shoot innocent Americans. And immediately the Russian colonel's like, I'm going to kill you. I'm like, I think you went a little early on that, but okay. But don't worry, Brandon knows Karate. And nose karate. America, karate. Ha ha ha.

There is, look, we've seen a lot of bad fight choreography. And no one's ever going to beat David Air, white sweaty, three lunch breaks in between. But this obvious dance major, just like spinning the Russians arm too many times, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, This arm and bit. Oh God, I hope I get it's gone.

They cut over to the UN Security Council. They all fall down in New York somehow. It's amazing. And then the eight of them are like, let's go. We're going to defeat the entire UN Army. We're going. Right. Yes. The eight of us. Yeah. All right. So, the bushings, the bushings, the bushings, the little kids, the best. All right. So meanwhile, the random half-established badass hot chick confirms that it was an EMP, which is weird because they have electricity there. Right, like so like this, the EMP was, this is a nationwide EMP, it didn't get the Canadians,

obviously it knows national borders, but it took out all the power except where that would be inconvenient to the fucking plot. What were they doing to check for that? Also, she walked in, she's like a check for EMB, that's what it was. My compass was pointed up. I think it came from up, into his sky, north, north. Right, right.

Up. All right, so then we come back to the Army base. The main soldiers of Brandon and his guys have all like ducked into their tent to load up or whatever So the Chinese military comes and starts shooting at him now luckily Brandon knows how to duck Unfortunately for the other seven soldiers. He did not share that information with them You see so they all get killed they all get killed But they do that fat guy getting shot doesn't want to fall all the way down.

Yes, yes. All whole room full of guys just being like, I'm sorry, I got bad knees, Alex, give me two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Blam, damn, damn, damn, damn. Now, okay, so Brandon is on his own now, right? They've killed all these guys. He rushes off the military, the Chinese soldiers that were just shooting at him, they decide to all simultaneously reload standing right in front of the tent, which turns out to have been a mistake tactically.

One guy is like, we killed him all, right? Yeah, we probably got him, mom. He doesnically. One guy's like, we killed him all, right? Yeah, we probably got him all. You guys want to play Cats Cradle? I brought yarn. Oh my God, they shot us. And Brandon runs out. Yeah, so he kills all of them.

And then he's going to go after the Colonel's motorcycle which they set up earlier. Boom. Well, written. Also, he's gonna explode some shit because, well, yeah, exactly. He's right, because he walks into the storage locker where the motorcycle is, but he blows his way out.

Like, we see him look at C4 and be like, C4, what's the best use of this? Dramatic exit. Yeah. Like we see him look at C4 and be like C4. What's the best use of this dramatic exit? Yeah Bam bam bam I wanted him just take the cigar and jog out That was set up earlier wasn't it? Right the cigar out with the motorcycle in his mouth. Oh The cigar stalls out right next to the bad guys. Oh, that would have been great.

Oh, right, the MP. Shit. So, yeah, so soldier dude takes off. And he's driving down the highway. There are cars just burning alongside the road. Because the power's been out for almost eight hours now. We have gone full fucking Mad Max universe at this point. But he drives online apparently. His motorcycle

runs out of gas. Yeah, no, the suspense is thick. Let me cut it for you real quick. Or electricity, it's not clear. Magnet, it's out of magnet. No, yeah, because we lost all forms of power. You're right. There's no ions. So he goes to the nearest house and he walks. It's labeled break glass in case of UN takeover. So he does it. Yeah. So he knocks on the door and nobody answers.

So he walks in and then this guy suddenly right behind him with a shot gun to his head. But it's okay, Brandon's white. He's going to be fine, don't worry. This is Mike Norris, by the way. Yes. Oh my god, Mike Norris looks so much older than his dad. Oh. It's really sad.

Oh, he is a sloppy. He's around to make Alex Jones look cut. Yeah. Oh, it's a lot like me. He's the seeing me in person of the Norris family. It's rough. He's like, in the movie that he showed up to the set and they're like, oh cool, you're gonna be like a hobo guy

and he said, what? So, yeah, so we meet this character, Mike Norris' character, who by the way will not ever be on camera for more than 30 seconds without spitting tobacco into a couple roses shit. But he doesn't even spit it cool, right? And you're gross, so you get this. You get it? This is your part of your lives. You're like,

he dribbles it out of his Yeah, ham-hawk of a face. He's got it just like man, it gets caught in his beard and then he rubs it And it's just on his sleeve now. You got it in a baker bucket without cooking. You just got powdered potatoes in there. He let's choose to back on so much as he spits it up like a baby. You know what I'm saying? Yes.

You need a little hobo bib with the toilet. This week's sponsor, hobo bib is. So. Oh! This week's sponsor, Hobo is. So... Get your Hobo bill! We sell them mostly outside of like monster truck rallies and stuff. Why am I telling you you get it? You were there alright so we cut over for a second back to charlie's ranch where they're all

talking about how this power outage clearly means that the death of humanity can't be far off and then we go back to the college yeah flaming barrels everywhere immediately five seconds after the power outage like the generator kicks on, and there's like flaming barrels powered by that.

It's like the flaming barrel channel on somebody's netflix. It's like Christmas vlog. I wanted the one really braggy R.A. Huh, how much fun is this? I said, let's get some flaming barrels ready. We're having fun, Nellie. Right? You guys can call me Kyle

Yeah, so they're really the college kids are really concerned the power's been out for several hours now this just usually like means some kind of apocalypse of some sort and Then just as one kids it. I'm sure it'll be fine. There's a giant explosion and Russians come into kill everyone. Yep The purge begins which means russia was like i'd say we're gonna murder a bunch of college kids i'm thinking we explode a car first so you know we mean business and then we kill them yeah no i'm with cool i'm with you i'm gonna come over the bunch of

ideas to do before we kill the kids that's my first it's it's good if they have a head start though yeah so there's also this great scene because um is the ex-girlfriend of Soldier Dude. Right, so she's running away and she's got her liberal cock of a boyfriend guy and she trips and he's like, fuck and see, and she's struggling. I get it. That's why Anna's not here. She fell down.

I divorced her. We have a little's not here. She fell down. I divorced her. Ha ha ha ha. We have a little lip that leads up to our kitchen. She took a hitter. I was like, this is fucking over. Meh. I am. Ha ha ha ha ha. Who?

Who has time for that? You get it. You're divorced, right? Come on. Yeah. So. Ha ha ha. All right. So now it's the next morning. A lot of claps for divorce. forced right come on yeah All right, so now it's the next morning a lot of clips for divorce

Best decision you ever made Alex Jones old people who don't want to take their medicine got off a movie's divorce I'm banking on a lot of doors. All right, so we cut back to soldier dude to Brandon waking up at Mike Norris's house and at this point I shit you not. He's literally spinning tobacco in one cup and drinking coffee

out of an identical cup. And then he then the brain and gets up and he's like you want some coffee. I'm sorry it's not great. And then the brain gets up and he's like, you want some coffee? I'm sorry, it's not great, it's mostly gum. Steam coming off both, so that's cool. Makes it complicated. Maybe color gum, the cups, I don't know.

Don't worry, I drink a lot of mango nectar. He like does. Also come. And then, okay, so we get the moment where Brandon has to like, like, the Mike Norris' character gives him all new clothes because he just happens to have clothes for a much smaller young man in his house. No explanation. And then he goes to leave and Mike Norris stops and he says, hey man, before you go, I want you to know, you're going directly into act three.

Be careful. Measure twice. No, it's doing. I thought I had a speech. My dad once kicked me in the head on television. But it hurt me real bad. And so it's not a fun clip. Don't look it up on YouTube.

Do you ever eat a toothpick? No. All right. So obviously we're all going to need a minute to wrap some aluminum foil around our cell phones and whatnot, so we're gonna take a quick break. But first let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Can America freedom liberty equal patriot? Well, the Tree of Liberty be refreshed with a blood of patriots and tyrants?

Am I being detained? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the criminally-teranged conclusion of Amerigadon. Hey, Mr. Norris, you wanna see us? Oh, God, you're the boys from the pot awful goovies. Come on in, you want some chew? From your mouth? No, more for me.

All right, yeah, well, by definition. So, look, we're super excited to make fun of your movie. Oh, your boys are too kind. Yeah, but the problem is we can't find it like anywhere. Tell me about it. The lady from iTunes made me watch while she burned it. Like she, she held my face still as it burned in her hand. It was a present.

Not a tracts. So why don't you sell it on your own website though? My own website. What am I Jude Law? Well, Mr. Norris, why don't you try wix.com? Oh, wix.com, is that one of the internet problems because i'm still no no no uh... wicks dot com is the best way to build a website for your idea or business

so so like i put an address to mail the money and then i meet them with the blue ray in the park and i actually actually wicks allows you to sell your music and video right from their platform. Wow, they do. Yeah, and with hundreds of templates, the website can look several times better than your movie. Like several as in wet, like a lot of times better. Orders of magnitude. Nice. Yeah, and you can add voice analytics, chat bots, it's awesome. A lot of stuff. Timberbrain? The bots? No, not to your brain, to your website.

And best of all, you can get started now by going to wix.com. That's wix.com slash podcast to get 10% off. wix.com slash podcast. Alright boys, here's a movie. Enjoy. Is this right here? Yup, there's the movie. This is a Skittles wrapper and you wrote movie on it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Amazon shot my last DVD copy into space. Mmm, that's rough. It was. Pfft. All rise for this Senate hearing, which you can tell is very legit, because it's inside of a building. That's true.

We are in a building. You have 10 minutes, Mr. Gray. is very legit because it's inside of a building. That's true. We are in a building. You have 10 minutes, Mr. Gray. Senators, I'm here today to ask you. Nine minutes, 58 seconds. You don't have to do that. Nine and 56. Don't do it.

No. Because despite my constant warnings about the vulnerability of the population, to radiogramic attacks, you have done nothing. Yeah. OK, Mr. Gray, first of all, I don't I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean. I mean stand? Do you want me to stand? No, just you. Never mind. Okay, we're all American. We are American too. Right. Senate of America. Yeah. So what's your suggestion? We need to strengthen the personal grit with these. Is that a, that's a tinfoil hat?

Or is it? Isn't it? Yes. Okay. With this, you prevent radionomic and extra-pologic influences on the population, but you have to act now. Okay, we're done here. Yeah, sorry.

Mr. Gray, you're wearing your hat. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How would you say your brain is working right now? Like a six? Oh, God. Six? Out of 100? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Any askin' the teenage girl with a braces if she understands what's happening? And she says, are you fucking kidding me?

No one does. The whole audience is fucking lost. She the little girl goes, all I know is that the power's out. And to be fair, that's all that's happening at that point. Listen, power's out. That means granddaughter. Jewish Luzard Aliens are on the way. Let me ask you something really quick.

Do you have any bootstraps on you? Do you have a bootstrap? She literally says to this little girl, she says, this is one of those times where some people run and hide and other people pull themselves up by their bootstraps and fight. And the little girl says,straps and fight.

And the little girl says, I wanna fight. It's like the other off she wants to run and hide. How awesome would that little girl be if she was just like, got it. Boom. I should myself point away, grandma. Are you proud? All right.

So, and then we have this very brief scene because you recall the ex-girlfriend character still running around the college. Everybody's trying to kill everybody there. So she goes into her dorm room and I guess they were going for, it's been trashed, but it's dorm room. It just looks like a dorm room.

The only difference is that one comfy chair is slightly leaned up against something else. Downright. Right. Downright a skew. Yeah, exactly. They've skewn our chairs. Those bastards. All right, last thing before we kill all the college kids, I'm saying we tip up one chair

and he proves they'll be scared. They'll never expect it. Exactly. All right, so we cut back to Charlie. He is driving the senator uh... to see something secret roger and he just really something secret and my notes are just like please be poop in

jars please be and and how he just rolls up a garage there it is my vital fluid do you keep that in a fair and a cage the poop doesn't- So the poop doesn't just be magnetized? Yeah, absolutely.

Sticks together. You ever seen a Ferris poop? Yep. Alright, that's so... You just fucked my rhetorical question. You did it, man. I'm asking for real. I'm closing this garage door.

You've seen- You just made this weird. I'm closing this garage door. You've been- You just made this weird. I guess you could say that it's this Ferris Poops Day Off. Ferris Puellers Day Off is a movie. You know, Puellers like poop and... Puellers. You usually edit that.

Yeah, no, I will. I still will. I'm just not for these guys. Alright, edit that. Yeah, I know, I will. I still will. I'm just not for these guys. All right. Edit everybody. Morgan, if you could run around with a tiny hammer. Well, Lucinda's not here, unfortunately. So, all right, so.

So is she scabal! Coming for you. Skiing it. Ming. All right. scabal coming for you You know he's just doing that because he can get away with it because he's not here. I'm not here All right, so but here's the thing. Oh, he drives up to this to this um this thing He says tell center. He's like, hey, I'm about to show you something I can't tell some blabbermouth politicians is gonna go ahead and tell everybody So you got to promise keeping a secret and he rolls up this this garage door I can't tell some blabbermouth politicians is gonna go ahead and tell everybody. You gotta promise to give him a secret.

He rolls up this garage door and it's a bunch of cars and a helicopter and a golf cart. And he says, what's this? He's like, it's a Faraday cage. All of these vehicles are unaffected by that EMP and it's like, didn't we just drive here in a vehicle? He's like, oh, you're being a dick. You're like, oh. Man, I have put a lot of money to this goddamn fair.

They can't. My house looks like an abandoned movie house. I wish you'd told me. It's so expensive to be this stupid. I mean, you... A judge made me tell everybody I was a persona. I don't have custody of my children anymore. I think I believed him.

So... But Charlie says, that helicopter right there is the one I'm going to use to rescue your daughter from that liberal college or hers. And I mean, I would love to have a helicopter. That'd be pretty cool. But I would be a marist to own that helicopter. I mean, it's the jolopy of helicopters, right?

Like all the other people at the helicopter club make fun of you when you leave. It's the Walmart wedding ring of helicopters. Like, yeah, technically it's a helicopter, but you're gonna end up listening to Cutoff of Movies. So, all right, so meanwhile, back with Brandon. It's been one day that the power's been out, so he pulls up at this gas station,

people are pushing their belongings around and shopping carts now. They've given up on society. So he goes into this gas station, it's been completely looted, except for one pair of sunglasses, still sitting in this one last rack. So he goes in and he's like,

hey, you guys don't have any power either, huh? And he's like, no. Well then why are you here? That's good. I asked my manager and he said I had to get cover. So. So he's like, hey, can I get some gas anyway? And the guy's like, I'll trade you some gas for some guns, sold your boy. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I've got something even more valuable than guns.

This coin right here is one ounce of pure silver. What the fuck is that going to do? That's really valuable now. That's what a great investment you made. Hey, that's $15, $16. Yeah, great kids were wrong. But why did I think we're all turning into like golden silver hoarding dragons?

The moment there's like a power outage, I don't understand. Who wants that at that point? But don't worry, it's all a ruse, because when the guy goes to grab the coin, holy shit, risk control! They have a full-on risk control fight. They do. Which culminates in the most risk control of all risk controls, the double arm across Karate. Listeners at home, this is going to be hard for me to explain to you, but I'm going

to do my best. He punches at the bad guy punches at him and he grabs it. Then the bad guy punches at him from the other hand and he grabs it. Then he realizes that he's accidentally crossed his arms across his body. So he just makes him hug himself for a second. here's into the man what are you talking about alright so meanwhile they have this fighting that they were absurdly proud of elsewhere though there's a guy with an axe, and what do the other guy have?

Like, a machete or something? A baton. A better axe? I don't know, it doesn't matter. It's so dumb. Just one more thing. Sorry, I know I said last time, but I got another one. Before we kill all the kids, can we drag axes?

Through, I'm figuring some are gonna be hiding under the bed. Oh, right, I'm in horror movies where you're dragging out. You could tap it like the velociraptor close. Like, yeah. Yeah. Oh, only if we're wearing masks. Should we set up water in a cup on the tables so they could see the little blue? I think that's a little much, but if we wore a little green half mask,

so nobody would do it. We have a mask. I was just saying to that, right? Because then they would know we had to make characters in the movies. Right. Yeah. And we should point out that one of these Russian half masks is right because then they would know we would make a character in the movie by the and we should point out that one of these Russian half masks is

so clearly Alex Jones because he he does that talk running that overweat people have to do where he's like here we go all all all all all all keep going all my personal Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-time radio guys, kills himself and his wife, not in that order, and then it just...

Everyone's mentally ill, Uncle sent me $100, and I was a millionaire. Ha ha ha! Now I got the fucking Washington Post looking into my finances! Ha ha ha! Alright. So the girl escapes, she goes running from the Axe wielders. Right. So the girl escapes, she goes running from the Axe wielders. There are dead bodies all over the campus,

none with visible wounds. They all died bloodlessly. It must have been poisoning. They were all triggered to death. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm not going to ask any of your pronouns.

BOOM. BOOM. Ha ha ha ha ha. BOOM. Ha ha ha ha. So. I'm not gonna ask any of your pronouns. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. So, and just then, that Walmart helicopter shows up. And it lands bad ass chick jumps out.

Liberal college girls running for help. The bad ass girl's like, Doc, she ducks, she shoots the two guys in the green masks. One of them has the most amazing fucking bullet hole that you will ever see. The movie's worth watching just for this bullet hole because the guy isn't done moving, but the bullet hole is, so the bullet hole stays here. And he goes like this, it's amazing.

Sorry, let me recent her on my face. Well, also, apparently we have to believe that it's amazing sorry let me re-center on my face well also apparently we have to believe that it's a instantly fatal wound to the side kidney yeah I guess anyway so the the daughter runs to get in the helicopter of course all these other college kids want to jump in the helicopter too and get and get rescued so the girl that just rescued the lady that just rescued the the the daughter all these other college kids want to jump in the helicopter to and get a and get rescued so the girl that just rescued the the lady that just rescued the the the the

daughter starts firing her gun above all of that and it first was like wait aren't you supposed to be the good guys you know wouldn't you be trying to rescue as many people as you can and then it occurred to me that this is what Alex Jones jerks off to write the idea that a bunch of liberal college students are gonna need his helicopter when the bad times come, and he's gonna tell him to go fuck themselves. Right?

This was the money shot for him. Make it fun of my finances. Buh. Alright. Well, I'm sure you guys were all thinking like okay i get that this movie is anti-world government but how do they feel about gmo's well luckily for you spoiler alert till nine two thousand two yeah so they're they're they're sitting around at the ranch and the one girl

is like i sure wish my science teacher was here And so he says why is like she says he was a farmer before they started with all that GMO stuff and then the senator character the cookie senator friend is like Actually, there's no evidence at all that GMOs are Literally what happens. He's like there's no evidence at all like Side tackled by Mike North But literally what happens is like there's no evidence at all like BARRAAAAARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH Each the daughter says, and I quote, our government isn't supposed to feed people farmers are. Farmers who exist because of a government subsidy. Yes! I just wanted a flash cut to me and a high chair with a farmer in front of me. Come on man.

He says it's not vegan. What does that mean? At this point, my nose are just like, wait, is this anti-GMO, anti-government, or anti-food stamps? I can't even tell if you've more. So okay, so yeah, right. Yeah, that's his answer. That was also Alex's notes on this. All right, so now they all get back to the ranch.

All the named characters are back in the ranch together and Brandon, the main soldier guy, has brought with him that recording, that McGuffin from before that proves that the Russians and the Chinese and the Americans are all working together to steal our guns. And murder Alex Jones specifically.

Yep. And I also love that like, there was this weird moment of self-awareness where they were like, wait a minute, that's an electronic recorder. And according to this movie, the EMP took out all electronics. It is made of aluminum foil,

straight off free. Yeah. It's a Zoom made of aluminum. Oh, no, no, Zoom didn't have any electronics in it, so that's legit. That was made out of a Zoom and um... Again, I just keep it, no one will know except for you. Yup. Lock the doors!

So, no, but here's the thing though, the movie fake thought that they'd written around this, the movie thought they'd gotten over this, right? Because he says, well, how did that recorder survive when all the electronics came on? He says, well, you know, over my life, I've learned not to believe in things like luck. So I would have to say it was a miracle. Christian movie, this totally counts. Again, that was Alex Jones' note on the script. Christian movie, it totally counts.

We're one of you star 86, my daughter. I just want to hear her voice. Oh, God. All right, so I love this moment too, because this is where Charlie tells the state senator guy is like it's time for you to go back to the governor and tell him that the time has come for Texas to succeed. Please.

Oh right. To see. Do it. Absolutely. Just give us Austin in sort of a Berlin know like a Berlin post cold war kind of way Or go or fucking don't I Would like to have East Austin, but yeah, if we got to just get rid of taxes and yeah, that's if we got a list All then that's a sacrifice. We're willing to make exactly the ACA's doing great

All right, so now the movie decides to cut over to Chicago to see how Tom and Cecil are handling the EMP Now I will say Chicago looks about the same Except normally in Chicago the fires are attached to physical objects not just sort of floating No, no, no, it's magnet fires. Yeah, right because the EMP Because the EMP, I get it. I get it. Fragility is not a curse move. That's their thing. Do you want to come back and try to... Okay, so now they're going to put out the Charlie and the brand and everything.

We basically, by the way, we just checked in with Chicago so that they could show those awesome CGI fires. And then we got the fuck back out. It was just like see Obama. Chicago. Chicago who's saying Obama. So is on fire. All right, so but now they're Charlie and Brandon and all the good guys are going to put out

that recording on the him radio, which also the mp's because the lack electronics and uh... and now everybody has heard you know elise communist accent saying we're gonna come take your guns so now everyone knows the truth all right sorry i gotta go through last bit of this movie a little quicker. So now is time for Brandon and his ex-girlfriend to have a chat since we're all so invested in that relationship. Who's invested? Yeah. Yeah. How fucking important is this?

Here we go. She goes, there's this great exchange where they think this makes sense. She says to him, I loved you. And he says, I never stopped. I've been masturbating this whole time. What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? I said, oh, yes, somebody did. Somebody said did all. Whatever makes you buy a VIP ticket, people will do it.

I know. All right. I'm just saying, Kirk could get some weird shit after this show if he wants it. I'm be like, I want to drive my car over the three of you and we'd be like, eh. Modest needs. You OK, man?

Wait, you like say something funny again, you'll change his color. So. Alright, so now we're about 20 minutes from the end of the movie, so at this point, obviously, we need to introduce some new characters. Hell, they don't even have a black guy to kill off an act three yet. So we introduced the science teacher, anti-GMO, ex-police officer guy. He comes to help him defend the home front. He was one of those farmer policemen you hear about. He had to stop being a farmer because he couldn't stop shooting his blackberries. Oh, man. Oh, God, I shot Ralph Muffin!

All right, now I gotta be a science teacher. All right. a science teacher. Alright, so now we're moving into the grand finale of the movie. It's like, if you remember the end of Lost Boys, it's like that only instead of vampires, it's lawful justice for the disherter. So we have this whole long scene where they're doing all these preparations, but they're all random and they never come back. Right? Like they're they're they're laying boards on the ground and shit. They're digging big trenches that they're never going to use. At one point, newly introduced couple literally has a scene where the husband just like hoses with an AK-47 and then turns to his wife like, yeah, I look for a shoot of gun, huh? What do you think? That'll scare the shit out of a black cock, helicopter, right?

Yeah. Huh! Yeah. Yeah. It worked out great for the weeko. I love this moment. There's this moment where they're all sitting around looking at a map of the rare. It's trying to decide how to defend it and everything.

Nothing they say makes any fucking sense. No, he's like pointing at it. He's like, as you can see, there's only two entry points. This giant piece of flat land. Yeah, you get... So... That's completely surrounded by nothing at all. Right, so you remember in 300?

We're just gonna change the math and there's no bottlenecks. And we just like that. I feel like they might walk around us, but maybe not. Maybe they'll be like, well, we fight one at a time. That's it. I want to keep it fair. All right. So now all the preparations are made.

It's about time for them. Well, first of all, they fuck up the parallel edit because the preparations, it's supposed to go. They do all the preparations. Night, next day, the UN attacks. but they start doing the UN coming parallel edit before they do the night shots. So we have to assume that the UN's just been driving all fucking night to get there. Tell me, how long is it to be there?

Six hours. Oh, that is a really long trip. I gotta tell you, do you have any podcasts to listen to? In Forz? That sounds great. I just saw on the internet, can I get it on iTunes? No. Alright.

So now all the preparations have been made. It's time to go to war, but first. Let's have some moonshine And smores and smores. I mean I got right the fuck back on board with this Faraday ranch Smoores moonshine I'm a libertarian A woman who thinks the world is ending nailed it. Who's a grandmother? A woman who thinks the world is ending? Nailed it.

Who's a grandmother? So, yeah, so they're all doing their preparations. Then, Uncanny Valley Michelle fight for C's the you in comment, right? And she calls back to the house to tell them that they're on their way. She says, uniform November, and they're like, what? I do. Do we, are you doing a code? Just tell me what you fucking say.

It's like, it's a final scene's happening. Just me... Do a final scene. Go. Zone one. Okay. The backyard, I don't know what zone one is. Just say what it is.

I drew a map. Is that the pinch point with nothing around it? Yeah, it's... They're like, they call her back and they're like, all right, we're getting positioned, stole them. She's like, how am I supposed to stole them? She's pulling out her fucking shotgun and her machine gun and her fucking Moltov cocktail.

She's like, I don't tell him jokes. What walks on four feet in the morning? Mm, two. It's a dog, the answer's a dog. No, it's a human. The person. It's a person. No, you didn't finish it, so it's a dog the answer's a dog no, it's a human the person. It's person. No, you didn't finish it. So it's a dog Tell the whole riddle you walk on four feet in the morning end of riddle I Didn't stall them a lot at all

They are gonna just kill us now and there's this great moment when she's stalling the Russian guy Yeah, okay first of all she just stops at this gate this teeny little fucking metal gate that you could push over. And all the UN trucks drive up in a semi-circle, they're like, fuck, how are we going to get around that gate? You said around. You said around. Should we just go around? Because the gate's like, no, because it's going to be bumpy. Yeah, like the shoulder. Yeah, you're shoulder. Right. You worried about that? Boom, boom, boom. The suspension of a four entire UN trucks in the entire UN.

I didn't get the rental insurance. We're going through the guys. Why would you get the insurance? I didn't, I have my own insurance. I don't use the credit card. No. No. That usually come what? Oh my god.

So got to climb. Where are the United Nations? All right, so but yeah, so but the UN stops right at the gate. She's on the other side and they have the little parlay with the bad guys moment. This is where we get the comedy retake. Yes. Remember how funny she was with the physical bit? He goes, my name is General K. Schof, and we are here to interrupt.

I'm, go ahead. Sorry. No, go ahead. I was, were you going to go? No, you were here to interrupt. I go ahead. Sorry. No, go ahead. I was, were you going to go? No, you were going to do something. Well, okay. Yeah.

I feel like you said your name. Yes, I did. I did, yes. Well, you say one more time. I said, it's cash off. Sneeze. Shit. Why don't we do it again?

No, that is exactly what happens in the movie. She literally goes, tell me your name again. He's like, general cash off. And she goes, tell me your name again. He's like, General Cash Office. He goes, Gazuntai. She had to go back for the setup in a script. What's up dog? Fuck, I'm zooming them. So they're chatting about whether or not they're going to give up brand and then brand and walks out, right?

And he turns to the Russian soldier, the Russian Colonel, he goes, I should have killed you when I had the chance to which brand and says, actual line, you did have the chance and you didn't. But yeah, man, that's what I just fucking said, though. Don't talk down to me because English is my second language brand. I'm in languages, do you speak Brandon? And high school French doesn't count.

High school music. Music. Right. All right. So and then we get this amazing line. All of the good guys are getting together, like getting in position and everything and they're talking on their radios and Charlie that the Alex Jones analog

says make sure we shoot first because we're the good guys. So they start shooting the lawfully empowered representatives of our democratically elected government which luckily they are really ready to get shot they just like line up they're like oh i hope i get shot oh i hope i go oh guys i'm the blood of the tyrants that needs to water the tree you guys remember that you know a lot about time is kaffirson i also You know a lot about Thomas Jefferson. I also love there's some moment where Charlie gets shot. Again, this is the Alex Jones character. So he gets shot in the army and he's like,

you know, because that's what Alex Jones was like. We was like, well, I wouldn't act like a pussy if I got shot. I would just keep fighting. I certainly wouldn't cry if I got kicked out of Twitter. And stand in front of a courthouse, I wouldn't cry if I got kicked out of Twitter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Starts were basically watching people play paintball way too seriously Imagine if civil war reenactments were scarier and more racist. That's the end of this movie. There you did it Yeah, but uh-oh here comes a bad guy helicopter if only we had a good guy helicopter with which you fight it fight it Here's the amazing thing about this helicopter fight because you can can truly see it. It is not until both of these stunt people got both helicopters up in the air and the cameras

were pointing at them that someone was like, um, how do helicopters fight? You want a... Stare it each other? I feel like they bump, bump, bump. Helicopter, bro. We both exploded. It's like, joust, whoever's high or a wind. Right, you know, when they...

Yeah. Race to the top of the... Distance. Yeah, so, okay, so they... Yeah, they have this little helicopter chase, which, again, it's fucking yeah, they have this little helicopter chase which again is fucking amazing because they have this cheap ass helicopter. They can't get within 300 miles of each other without pissing off the insurance guy. They accidentally go over a jogger who's very clearly faster than them at one point.

At one point, one of the helicopters ducks. That's this big move, right? They're flying around like, where the hell is he? And then you see him just way down low. I was like, oh, we didn't think of down. But then, for the listeners at home, he is now a ducking helicopter. So, also, for those of you born after 1980, Jouk was a video game.

LAUGHTER So, if you don't like game, it's on you. That's awesome. Awesome. Fuck everybody. Hell yeah. All right. So, yeah, so we get some more helicopter, the helicopter chase shit is so good because

suddenly the UN helicopter has missiles, the bad guy helicopter, we can see the fucking helicopter. Invisible missiles. Well until they fire and then you can see them. Sure. First second. They fire out of the invisibility cloak, you see. I mean if you can see the missiles, what's the point?

You're gonna just dodge. You'll know, yeah. Well, right, which is what they do. They just dodge. They have stormtrooper missiles. Also, so Brandon, the soldier guy, he's on the good guy helicopter and he throws a Molotov cocktail at one point in a truck, right?

And now, yes. Yes. And now he picks up another Molsoff cocktail and he goes, oh, last one of The two that I brought The pack is run somebody go to the store. I need three more montage and one button scotch to drink Love the two scotches drink. Three. Four scotches.

So yeah, so we have this like amazing moment where they're trying to figure out how to make the helicopter chase interesting. It never, never quite gets there. But eventually he does manage to get above the other helicopter. Yeah, and he throws a Molotov cocktail at them. And he's like, all right, let's hope their helicopters made out of straw, right? Oh, it was. It is, it is made out of. I could have just huffed it. We should have made a brick helicopter. I'm gonna step. Mm-hmm. Stupid.

Ha-ha. But yeah, so they blow up the bad guy helicopter. It crashes to the ground. And I guess probably the worst CGI of the movie other than the bullet hole, right? It's pretty amazing. You enjoyed the bullets with the comet tail. Yeah, the 50-tail.

But it's up there. It's up there. 50-calibre bullets have a comet Tail, military people, is that true? Yeah. Same thing. Clear. There's a comment. So, yeah, so the helicopter explodes.

And then Charlie does a VO pitch for the sequel. Right? He comes up. Well, of course, we got to get this amazing line where Brandon, after they destroy the helicopter, says, well, it looks like we've won the battle. And Charlie goes, yes, but the war has just begun. They were so fucking proud when they did that.

Inflator war has just begun. Oh, shit. That's, you know, they're gonna do a sequel just because they're gonna be pissed they didn't think of that one. Nailed it. And we always do it. This is all part of the business.

Oh, he goes. He goes to this point, he goes, you know, our story may never be recorded in the history of books. Hell, you might not be able to rent it on Amazon or even buy it on it for a war. But we know we're the good guys, damn it. Buy a DVD player at 4 p.m. on a Thursday. Yeah, but that's how the fucking movie ends. Oh, no, sorry.

They have to do the Thomas Jefferson quote, the thing about the tree, the liberty, and the blood of tyrants and patriots, yada yada. Yada. Um, which nobody ever puts the end of that quote, because I believe the end of that quote is, it is their manure. It just really takes the wind out of your quote, doesn't it? Got to be refreshed by the blood of tyrants or high school kids. Well, yeah, yeah, I think that's what you ever since.

Yeah, that was it. All right, and that's the end. I do want to actually, there's one thing post movie that I wanted to point out during the credits. They have everybody stunt double. Pfft. Well, not everybody. But under Charlie stunt double, it says, none needed.

Pfft. I did that literally from that point by myself. Pfft. Pfft. Because I need a second take, I can go all day. Boop. All right. So to close things off tonight, this is a surprise

when I'm surprised with you guys with this. To close things off today, obviously after watching this movie, we're all going to get together. We're going to go down to Austin. We're going to cut the power at Alex Jones' ranch. So Andrew said that's legal. He said that. He's a lawyer. He said that's legal. He's not in yes right now. I see him. Andrew Torres, the lawyer, said it's legal. He drinks and stuff.

That's what he calls up right next to Andrew. So yeah, it's must be good. That is legal. So when we go to Alex's, Alex Jones's ranch and cut the power in order to maximize his terror, what will you guys be dressed like? I'm gonna dress like Eli when he came out. I'm gonna go with a non-binary rabbi. Oh, that's good!

So a lot like Eli when he came in. Oh my God, they're coming! So you can do it! And we're breaking away from the live crowd for just a second, because that does it for our review of Merrigaten But it doesn't do it for the episode just yet. We still need to go home and do this some more so Eli tell us what's on deck? Shark Exorcism

Has a cross on the cover and yeah shark exorcist Religious movie no it's shark week. I get it all right So with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 206 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to everybody that came out to see us in Virginia Beach. Huge thanks to Virginia Beach is Museum of Contemporary Art for hosting us and making us into contemporary. I think technically we're contemporary art now, guys.

Also, an equally huge, not even bigger this time. An equally huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped make the show go. If you like the cat you should have them on their ranks, you can make a prep so donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earnably access to an ad free version of every episode.

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If you have questions, comments, or sentimentized suggestions, you can email godawfulmovesg gmail.com legal services for this podcast We're right up in the law. This is a PN Drutorist Tim Robbins and takes care of our social media our themes I was written and performed by Ryan slot and available drafts on Mars all the music was written performed by our audience You know working Clarkam was used with permission Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right knee-line Bosnia-Gominolutions Proficient work harder and all the truck next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Mike Norris, son of Chuck Norris, director of this movie, literally claims in real, real reality literally claims this is real in real real reality that a covert operative tried to murder him by rubbing poison on his neck when where when where during a premiere of this movie in 2016 a covert operative dubbed his neck with poison that made him sick a little bit. Or that was bad shelf-ish. Or he ate a cigar. Because he's an idiot.

Donald Trump's election really fucked this movie all up actually. Alex Jones would go on to accidentally send a posing council a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.