God Awful Movies - 207: Shark Exorcist

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

This week, we team up to review Shark Exorcist, a movie about a shark that isn't an exorcist, and an exorcist that isn't a shark. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Who doesn't want fried dough with sugar? It's the best. I mean, I can get that without having to go to a sad ass. Yeah, but it's not the same and gross. Oh, oh, new game. It's fun. It's positive. I feel like you guys are tricking me into saying negative things now. What's the new game? I have a new game. I have a new game. We put Heath in worse and worse situations where there is funnel cake.

Like, you see, when he notices like he's in the death camps at Auschwitz but there's funnel cake and he's like what are you talking about we got beds we got funnel cake everyone's looking really cut it's all gone not awful movie OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII friend Heath and right heath welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who wants to fuck a stuffed animal shark? I do actually. A lot of people don't be a bigot. That's the answer.

And then good most of the people in this movie. Oh yeah. If this entire cast met each other at a shark furry event, this all makes so much more goddamn sense. No kidding. All right, all right. So we've got an origin story down pat And of course sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? I was okay until Heath went ahead and insulted our furry community

I don't know what they did to you. The way did I insult I don't feel like I said insult they were associated with this film Oh, well that's true. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I even the Vegas very much. So a lifeful film, delightful community. All right. So tell us, Heath, what did you enjoy? We watched Shark Exorcist. It's the story of making a three hour porn movie, mostly vomit porn, cutting it into down to like 11 minutes of not porn and then

adding an hour of establishing shots to get a nice tight, seven, one minute feature film counting credits. Um, a shark. Sort of, I don't know, there's a shark too. Yeah, that's, that's overstate and I feel technically, technically there is shark, but we'll go there. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well if you love the swing or slash tanning bed community of New Jersey, but you wish they had a beacon of cinema You will love this movie. I By your definition. I should have loved this movie I don't I feel like if you switch out New Jersey for Tennessee, maybe that explains it a little bit better But yes, it's like a retirement home in Hoboken made a movie I feel like if you switch out New Jersey for Tennessee, maybe that explains it a little bit better, but yes.

It's like a retirement home in Hoboken made a movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Retro actively, yeah. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for me the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with the best worst shark. Um, shark movie, technically. There's a CGI shark that was made on like a T.I.

82 graph and calculator. It does something in the movie. It's in the title of the movie. I don't really know what happened. No, like genuinely no idea. There's an exorcist, but shark never gets exercised. So when a shark is not an exorcist day, yeah, it's the sharks not the exercise nor does it become exercise So I'm gonna have one more best-worst best-worst title

again There's a shark and an exercise, but they never even interact. No, they they're just like they just took two unrelated nouns in the movie and made it Well, there is an interaction at the end there. Well, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. But yeah, it's kind of an off-screen one. Well, if you already alluded to mine, but I'm going to go with best worst, what the fuck do you mean?

That's only 48 minutes. There are so many scenes, especially like at the end of this movie. So you can tell like everything was already edited and they didn't want to go back and add shit to the middle and change the soundtrack or whatever. So it all comes at the very end where they desperately try to get to feature length so they can sell it on Amazon. It's quite wonderful. I will postulate this.

The post credit scene of this movie is longer than 80% of the movies that we watched. Long. I was so confused. It's ridiculous. Yeah, we're going to start confused and we're going to end confused today. Like weird poetry that somebody's reading you. So I'm going to go with best, best actor bios. Really? Yeah, Shark Exorcist is I'm going to go ahead and say a bit of a passion project from Power Couple Angelo and Bobby Carousel. It doesn't, it really doesn't matter. No. Their bios on this movie are, it's got their net where they grew up. The jobs they had that weren't related to college, things that Morgan Freeman offhandedly said to them one time, you, it's too much for me to read on the air. They are incredible.

It's, it's like her mom's trying to get me to date her. Yes. All right. Double shift to TGI Friday. like her mom's trying to get me to date her. Yes. All right. Double shift to TGI Friday. It was okay. I turned a few tables early in the lunch shifts that I worked out.

Then I got cut kind of early, so that canceled it. I don't know. I couldn't buy that much coke that day. It was kind of a pain in the ass. Now I'm an actress. All right. Well, the sooner we get through this, the sooner I can forget that I've watched

a movie called Shark Exorcist, so we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the half-assed excuses this director came up with to see his lady friends and bikinis than are. Shark Exorcist. Hey, babe, get in here. Oh my god, what? What? Just get in here.

Oh my god, what? Check this out. What? It's your here. Oh my god. What? Check this out. What? It's your shark screen saver. I've seen it. Yeah. Yeah, but check this out. It's got a Halloween version.

Oh, that's gross. Right. Right. So, you know what I'm thinking, right? Oh my god. You want to fight your dad again? No. Yeah.

Well, no, no, but just right now I'm thinking we should like make a movie about this, this screensaver. Wait a second, you want to make a movie about your Halloween screensaver? About a Halloween screensaver, yeah, you just saw it, it's awesome. Babe, that is an awesome idea. Yes, right? Right? Oh, you look so fucking hot right now. I'm 50. So am I. Ha, ha, ha.

A medium hard. And we're back for the breakdown. And to give you an idea just how bad a movie we're dealing with, this one's gonna start sucking in the logos, right? Yeah, suicidal productions has a razor blade for a logo accompanied by a woman's scream. Gonna go ahead and give it best worst logo. Yeah, well, and also how about best worst fucking exposition, right? So we start off with this non-walk into a graveyard and then there's a radio telling us who

this character is. It's not a radio that's like in the scene. Yeah. Right, but even if it was, that would be somebody who brought a radio to a son. Yeah. Listen to radio with grandma. And the radio says that like the none murdered 13 kids, which is super unrealistic. There's no way anyone would care if a none murdered 13 kids. Watch Netflix. Come on. Yeah. And it says, like, it's like, she also tortured people. I'm like, well, the word none really encompasses that, I feel like. That's one of their thing. I wanted to just walk over and smash the radio. Be like, it's not about me. I know that sounds very detailed as I have a knife

That you can see under my thing, but that's not about me. All right, well, I feel like it's definitely about you now So now the crazy murdering none walks to the waterfront of this lake and she like Starts talking about how the world will taste her vengeance. And just then a blunt chick shows up to call her a bitch. Well, just then or way too long. So that we get to watch the non actress be like, what tapping? Looking back. No, all right.

She's still fucking far off. Taste my vengeance. Sky. I, all right. She wow, she's still fucking far away. Taste my vengeance. Come. Very sweaty. You know, he just can't. This is the worst. This is black. Yeah, so eventually though this character catches up with her and says, I know who you are. I know what you did. And then the nun stabs her right in the pillowcase full of blood.

And that fake blood ruined her top. And this actress this now supposed to be dead actress is livid. Oh, it's the best. The none she's like, yeah, gonna stab you with this fucking industrial chain. So I had my pocket and douse you with this bucket of blood. I was chumming. It's not many is that on you. Well, maybe get possibly the best part of the movie because

the none is supposed to drag this chick to the water, but she doesn't have the physical strength to do it. So they just keep zooming in on the body, being repeatedly tongue. There's no word. I'm not going to catch that it isn't going anywhere. Hey, come on, weird radio guy with the local news, like that, fucking weirdo. Give me a hand with this. Get the legs. Come on, asshole. Get the legs.

It's unrelated. I know you're still list. I just, I found her like this. I'm dragging her to the water. I'm a nun. Trust me. Also, that means that there is cut footage somewhere that we could possibly buy or find of this actress going, Amber, can you push yourself with your arms?

No, I'm facking dead. All right. Well, then let's just cut to like right by the water. Yeah. People are hard to drag this movie. So yes, so she throws the stab chick into the water. And I guess that's her sacrifice. She calls upon Satan to send her an Avenger. Oh, and how awesome would it be if Tony Stark just burst out of the water and beat the shit out of her. Come on. Or Hawkeye shows up. She's like, Oh, hey, I was cold.

Open for an A-lister. You're just an arrow guy. No, this is, this is good. This is evenly matched. I have a weapon. You have a weapon. We're both people. Yep. Yeah, but then she just finally rolls the dead body into the water. And then we get to watch the actress who's supposed to be floating dead, make a whole bunch

of swimming. She's doing backstroke and switching to Brett. It's over the top. So ridiculous. All right. So then we get the credits. We see for the first time, of course, Eli's already exposed this, but we see that we have a husband and wife team in the leading roles just like in good movies just like this corset

All right, so now we jump to one year later because apparently it takes about a year for Demonic shark curses to really take effect. There's a cue It's like donating a kidney. It's a whole thing. Yeah, exactly So now we're going to meet three gals that are all driving together. This is Emily Lauren and Allie. Lauren is the bitchy one. Emily and Allie are the other ones. Yeah, it's in part. I just waited. I was like, okay, Noah apparently has identifiers for these parents. That's way above my fucking favorite. The other two are Heath. Great. I almost gave this movie best worst idol chatter because they've got to

fill, I don't know, six seconds of car driving time. And like the second line is, I don't know, I like a car without air conditioning. Well, then the conversation goes south, right? Because the Gwinchik says, where are we going? And I was like, wow, you've been in the car for two hours. You think that would have come up? She goes, we're going to the lake. She's like, well, it better be an awesome water park. And she's like, no, it's a fucking lake, man.

Did you hear the word I said? Also, just want to be clear about this, this shark movie is going to be set at a lake. Yes. It's lake shark. Couldn't quite get the funds together to drive the ocean. Yeah, from Tennessee, where they filmed this. All right. So they get to the lake one in three.

That's the bitchy one and other one one walk off to work on their tans. Well, number two, Ali calls her boyfriend. Now, well, she presses the number four. Yeah, well, her boyfriend's number is four. She calls her boyfriend. Well, what's hilarious is she's supposed to be talking to his voicemail, but she's so fucking stupid that she still leaves pauses in it as though it was a fake phone call. Right. And she didn't even have time to get to the voicemail. It was just like, why aren't

you picking up? Call me when you get this message that I'm leaving while the phone is clearly still ringing. It's so dumb. All right. so then we cut back over to the other two girls and they have some more of this great idol chatter. Are you good at listening, lying there? You're not the best listener. Yes, I am. Oh, yeah. What color is my swimsuit?

I don't want it or so badly to just be like, I don't hear colors. What the fuck was that? Do you want to talk about synesthesia? are so badly to just be like, I don't hear colors. What the fuck was that? Do you want to talk about synesthesia? I don't think you know that word. There's no way you know that word. To be fair though, this scene is very important because I clipped it and I sent it to everyone

who's ever told me I should watch the Gilmore girls because that's what the Gilmore girl sounds like to me. It's just this scene over and over again. All right. So it is. I love that show. So now, Ali, the girl who was on the phone with her boyfriend's voice mail, goes out to swim and, uh-oh, here comes demon shark. Now they

do this about five fucking times because they've got like these two shots of demon shark, right? Him, him turning left and then the mirror image version of him turning left and then flip screen. Fuck two shots for the price. Exactly. Right. Can he swim upside down? He's written backwards now. We drew this. But what I love is every, because they can't show the shark attacking someone. So every time they have to have a shark attack somebody, they're doing a parallel edit between the shark and the person, but the person is always being attacked well before the shark gets there, right?

Hey, Noah KKK, McJohnson, the guy who invented cinema, he would prefer you not call this a parallel edit. DW Griffith is embarrassed. That's bad, y'all. DW Griffith is like, all right, come on. Think about the effects of your art. But the CGI is so rough too. It's like, they're like, yes, so what if we CGI a green screen? And then we see a shark in front of the CGI green screen? Does this makes? Did they intense?

Did they CGI acclaimation shark? What happened here? Hold on. I got it. We put green dye in the water. That's the screen now. And we put a Commodore down there. No, no, I need a lot of Kool-Aid to the Costco. Yeah, but so Ali gets attacked. Her friends rush out together. She's clearly been bitten on the inner jaw, I think. I'm blood everywhere. No wound. Yeah. Oh, did it, did it demon sharks splash you with cranberry juice?

Did a shark with lots of makeup kiss you on the back? Because that's what that looks like. Why do they keep zooming back down to that clear, just pile of blood wax with no wound on it? I think they were really proud because they saw like a fossil of a megalodon and they were like, that would be the shape of this red wax, I guess, right? Just like that, but a little bit smaller. And they made that ridiculous kissy mark shape. Yeah. All right. Just like that, but a little bit smaller. And they made that ridiculous kissy mark shape. Yeah. All right. So now we cut to a hospital that they clearly were not allowed to film. I cannot promise you much, but I promise you someone who's in this movie works at this hospital and got this shot on their lunch break. Also, by the way, this is Dr. Bennett.

And the people who made this movie cannot think of a last name besides everyone with a last three. There are three unrelated characters where they're like, all right, last name, Bennett. Cool. Okay, what's this next one? You're gonna say Bennett? Bennett. Natalya and character shows up.

Benathini. No. So, yeah, exactly right. So the inner comment that the hospital comes over and says, Dr. Bennett, come here, stat. There's a patient and she's been attacked by a shark. She's got insurance, so it's cool. I want that to be real hospital policy, just walking around the hallways of a hospital.

Hello, Dr. Bennett, Eli put another light bulb of a possess. Didn't break yet. Room four, you know the drill. He's not Medicare for all though. I don't know. Let's debate it right now before you come to the yard. Medicare for all would be more reasonable or can do transitional phase. I don't know. I don't know.

All right. So then we cut from there to the newscaster Brian Bennett. Bennett. Hello. I'm the news. Swimmers have been attacked. Pylake sharks. Packed a you, Brian, but it fucked. That's me.

I'm also a doctor and a woman later. She is. Brian looks like a shaved fantasy dwarf. Like if you took a dungeon and drag and storm, you shaved it. You made it say the news. He is rough. Yeah, he's got like a Bill O'Reilly skin mask. Yeah. That's what it looked like to me. Creepy. Look at some radiation poisoning in there too. Make a wish was a sea Chernobyl. I don't know. Didn't go well. He survived

though. He's like 60 now, but he wouldn't start Chernobyl when he was good. Awesome. So, all right. So now we got to a Dave and Buster's where the two non shark attacked female characters from the beginning are hanging out. Now, I love this scene so much because they didn't realize they could just not use the audio that they had at that Dave and Buster's, right? So we're being like everything is drowned out by arcade noises. Then they go outside to talk and are drowned out by cicadas. Yeah, it's too noisy here in this, David Buster's. Let's go outside where the cicadas are 1000% louder. Oh my God. Let's go talk next to Eli during his conference call. That's how dare. How dare you? It's he.

Don't listen to him. Live listeners. Do not listen to him. He's a liar. He's carrying an alternate narrative. And all the wind tunnels of Manhattan that Eli has all his conference calls it. So. Yeah.

So Lauren and Emily are these two characters names. They're talking Lauren was the bitchy character. She doesn't give a shit about her shark bit friend because she's apparently fucking that character's boyfriend. Well she's either fucking his boyfriend or she's just trying not to stare into the camera. She can't keep it is. They're just like don't look in the camera. You're very clearly looking out of the corner of your eye. And the camera.

Here's what I will say. All of the moments in this movie, if they were on purpose, would be brilliant comedy. Yeah. Yep. All right. So now it's time for an episode of Ghost Wackers. So this character here, okay. So this is like supposed to be the ghost hunter's show or whatever.

This character's investigating the demon shark. This is every middle aged woman you've ever met that was certain she was funny despite all the evidence. Oh, see, I have, I've met this girl at every atheism convention I've ever been to and watched Heath fail to sleep with her. So we're lining up. I get it. That, I mean, that describes a lot of women.

It's true that describes a lot of women All right, so she's there to I guess get the story or whatever But they have this weird moment where they show the guy who's filming her right for ghost whackers But she's still facing the camera that's filming the movie and And that is because this is the fight that happened Hey, he's the one filming you got to face that camera, but then don't you have to film over his shoulder? Oh yeah. Okay, yeah, no, you're right. You're right. If you like in other movies, I don't know, I don't think they do that. I just, I bet they have the camera guy hold a mirror and then the other camera guy, the same thing right of the behind. I am very tired. I need to

take a break. I'm very sweaty. Oh, God. I can't. Jim poor. Can we talk about the camera man for a second? Early 20s Tim Ryan behind the cam quarters, audibly winded 10 seconds into this shot. He's had to hold his arm up with like a shitty little camcorder for 10 seconds. And it's like, well, what's funny is if I'm not mistaken, this guy is actually the cameraman they use for most of the movie. And I say that because there are several shots where you can hear the cameraman breathing heavily during this scene. So that would explain all of that.

Solves the mystery. There's a lot of vomiting in this movie. I bet we miss a bunch from this. Yeah. That's probably what it is. It's like, well, now we have to explain why your character has vomit all over them. We'll write it in fine. Again. Again. All right. So she kneels down by the water side to develop a psychic link with demon sharks. She says at one point, here's the actual line.

Is there something evil beneath these waves or something more sinister? What? What? Or is it a rejection of Medicare for all? I don't know why we're on this. It seems to me. Yeah, this is this was actually a lot like Marianne Williamson's closing statement to be honest.

Yeah. She's casting a spell and she kind of reminded me of like a thick Marianne Williamson. Instead of sharp, she's kind of rounded and obviously younger and thick like in a good way like double see thick, you know. Yeah. For sure. And then she's like, go jump in the water as I menstruate through my spell to bring a shark.

And yeah, she kind of has a demon possess her, I think or fix it. We'll go down on her. I don't, yeah, I'm not really sure. I think this actress just had a seizure and they were like, this is gold. Keep it. Damn it. She swallowed her tongue again. All right.

So now we cut to three weeks later, and perfectly at random. But Ali seems to be all the way over that shark attack and her friend Emily's really worried about her for not being more devastated by the fact that she got shark attacked. This conversation is impossible to fall. It's like two people who are only mentally capable of remembering one and a half sentences back. Also, they are so far from the camera

when this conversation starts. Okay, if it was on purpose, it would be brilliant. They are a mile and a half away. Oh, that sweaty dude climbed a tree with the camera and could not get down. And they were like, all right, well, you're there forever. You're there forever.

I have a few things filmed for me or today. Get out from under the tree or you're going to get vomited on. I love the moment, too, where she pulls her bandage out. She's like, look, I don't even have a scar anymore, because we don't know how that works. How you make a scar on a leg for a movie. I wanted to just start bleeding profusely again. Oh, no was a lot. Okay, I got it.

I got it. All right, so they break company and Ali goes off to hitchhiking porn clothes. Okay, I want to talk about Ali's thumb. She has a weird thumb, right? Did she? The shape. The actress has a six and a half foot long thumb Really, that's the only one who notices these things fine. I'm a thumb guy. I feel like I should have caught that

I feel I feel bad. I will be honest. I was not paying attention to her thumb in this scene I'm a big thumb guy. I'm gonna go back to that Also regarding her thumb I would say you don't stick your thumb out and try to hitch hike when there are literally no cars in sight. No, you don't have to have it up the whole time. That seems excessive. She did that. Well, she really hitchhiked because she didn't have it up when I started.

Yeah. All right. But she's tempted. She finds some dude that she attempts to go to shark lake with her and he's like, oh, isn't that where everybody gets attacked by sharks? And she's like, well, if you don't want to fuck me at shark lake, he's like, I want to fuck you at shark lake, hold on. So he goes with her.

No, no, this is clearly a porn premise. Like we're very clearly porn actors and a porn premise that got made into a regular movie. No, we got to do that. Also was there a harp in his backseat? Like a harp, like a bit like an angelic large harp in his backseat of his truck? I'm pretty sure that's what that was. I was unclear. Something was definitely stringent. Yeah, it was definitely stringent. Thank you. And you could see it in her eyes too. She was like, I'm fucking harp. I know I'm just sitting in the script, but is that a harp?

Well, if you had read the actor, bios, you'd know that this man played harp in high school for almost two years. Night in his passion. And he was in a porn called harp in your back seat, which is interesting. That I learned about that day. All right. So now we get this amazing scene of them flirting in the water. And what makes it amazing is partly the fact that they're just kind of splash and water at each other, not doing anything sexy, but also the fact that there are a couple of kids just off camera yelling about something.

It's the fuck these kids make that they're just like, no, you didn't get me. I did too. Now you have to go to the safe barn. You go to the safe barn. I'm gonna tell my dad you dropped my scooter. I would never go. You promise? I twisted my ankle.

That's free time out. Everybody knows that. That's literally happening just off camera through their whole sexy scene. And again, just to be clear, these actors are not like having a splash fight. They are gently pouring water over each other's bodies because they are certain they look hot wet. I guess. So at first, I thought that like this, like that this actresses husband got pissy whenever the actor playing this role, tried to kiss her or whatever, but this is her husband. Yep. So.

Oh, these people are married. Yeah. Yeah. This is this is the power couple here. Oh, so they were just like, all right. Well, I guess we'll bathe each other. Might as well get a shower in. We're in the scene because we're gross. These, these people find the direct center of every orgy they've ever been to. But yeah, but then the demon

shark shows up. We get the same thing with him getting pre-attack in the edit. You know, he starts going, oh, and then we see the sharks swimming up to him. They're in three feet of water. Yes. Yes. It's dick deep. Literally, they're up to their knees, Matt, like definitely maybe two feet of water. I don't know.

And but we're just watching like clips of finding Nemo and then back to the real people. So bad. Well, and also there's this great moment where like he's trying to swim out of the water and he's trying to pull himself up. And clearly he wants it to look like something is tugging against him, but nothing is. And you can't do that in the water, right? You can't. So he's like reversing himself constantly. Yeah. Because he's not a little dolly that's like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

back for it. All right. This isn't working. And then yeah, and then we're watching more cuts to like the demon shark. Swim and pass the same cactus three times. It was so dumb. They never even, they don't interact at all. They don't even try.

It's so bad. I just love that this movie couldn't afford another person to be in the water pulling in his knee or something. Because it was going to be cameraman and he drowned the first two shots. They tried it. And then they're like, well, fuck, who's going to hold the camera? A lot of vomit in the shot, man. Come on. You're not struggling. You're just pulling the back a little bit. How do we get you out of the tree? All right, so I didn't notice this myself, but both of you guys have notes about the bird in this scene.

The bird is the best character in the book. The bird's the best. Not a fact. That's a fact of this movie. The bird turns the camera and is like, it's a living. It's amazing. this movie. The bird turns the camera is like, it's a living. Amazing. The bird gets two shots too. We see him like struggle drowning, trying to pretend he's drowning. And then we cut to a bird just being like, yep, licking the side of my bird, the arm, I don't know.

This is what happens. And then it cuts back to him for a second. And then back to the bird, just not caring even harder. The bird, it's the elufist best bird watching a person die ever. Wanna cut that bird into all of history's tragic footage? It's just like, there are people in there. People in there, birds just, all the humanity birds, like yeah, well, yeah,

I'm not too as fallen. No, no, no. All right. Well, I know that's nowhere near act three, but we deserve extra breaks this week. So we're going to take a minute to recover. And while we do, you'll hear from this week's sponsor, Humes. Heath, you're ready to go to the ballpark? Sure, him. Dude, what's that? Oh, this, you know, he gets chilly. It's, it's 104 degrees outside. Wow, really. Yeah, so good thing, you got my hat, right? Heath, is this about keeping warm or losing your hair? I'm not, no, what, no, no, I just get cold. It's a little brisk.

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They offer well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help you keep your hair. What's a generic equivalent? It means it's the same drug as the one you've heard of, but I can't say the brand name. Oh, so like that drug that prevents hair loss. Yes, yeah, that drug. Wait, you can get those online. Well, thanks to four hymns, you can just answer a few questions.

A doctor will review your answers and can prescribe what you need. Okay, but that's got to be like super expensive, right? Well, actually, if you order now, our listeners get a trial month of hymns for just $5 today. Right now will supplies last. See website for full details and safety information. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy. So I just go to four hymns.com slash Gamme. That's right. F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash Gamme. Four hymns.com slash Gamme. Got it. You

know what? I'm going to go take this hat off. Please do. Take it off. Please do. Please do. It's starting to smell. Oh, that's probably the soup. In your hat? Yeah, in my hat. Soup hat. I have hat soup. And we're back again, and now we're gonna open up at a church so that Eli can say this movie technically counts.

Technically counts. Thank you. Exorcism, there movie technically counts. Technically counts. Thank you. X's isn't there's crosses later. This definitely not. It's 100% and it's shark week. Well, that's yeah, that's the most important thing. All right, so now it's time for us to meet Father Michael because this actor is way too good for just one role.

Oh, he doesn't have a twin brother in real life. He's playing the show. Also, like in the characters, our twin brothers, we find out right now, we actually get a phone call being like, hello, father, Michael, you have a twin brother who does porn. You know that stupid. This all makes sense. He's dead now. Your brother's dead. Well, it's so great about it.

So it's a letter that he's getting We're getting the voice over and the letter actually these are the words according to the fucking voice over The deaths of your brother came as a very sad Really, oh, that's right. It's a letter, but we hear it. Yeah, okay. I remember did us a phone call Yeah, exactly a phone call or a letter about the deaths of his brother Which would have been fucking hilarious if it turned out his brother got possessed by a team and killed multiple times, but no, he was just a guy that had eaten by the shark. Oh, yeah. And we see the letter. I forgot about this. Yeah. The letter is clearly an actor's

resume. It turned around. But the actor is so goddamn cheap that he doesn't have his own separate headshot sheet. He has a tiny little like printed on the top header of a headshot. And there's also parts that are redacted. What? I remember. Who's that? It was like clearly like big black inked out areas. We're watching, we're looking at the back of it, but you can see it looks like the mother

report. It's all redacted. Yeah. Well, what it literally is is that that guy wanted to like, he was like, okay, you can see it looks like the mother report. It's all redacted. Well, what it literally is is that that guy wanted to like, he was like, okay, you can use that. But black out the parts with my address and shit on it. Just in case somebody zooms in. No porn titles. Don't worry.

We're going to focus on all of our license plates later for a couple of times. Yeah. I was about to say that. Yeah. They don't think too hard about anything in this movie. Yeah. So he found out his brother died and they're looking into why and how and everything. And then we cut back to ghost whackers some more. Now, this is where we meet our next Bennett.

If you'll recall, the newscaster's name was Brian Bennett. This is Brianna Bennett. Totally can't make up first names very well. Name a name that's not Brian Bennett. Brianna Bennett nailed it. Again, if this were on purpose, you think it was on purpose? You think it was like a long line of local journalists named the Bennett's. Is Brianna his daughter?

No. Honestly, I think maybe they did do this as a joke and they're like, huh, that's pretty funny or something, but they're so damn bad at making movies that you can't tell their jokes from them fucking up. Right. Also, like the joke is you can't think of movies. They don't point to it. Just like I, what if all the characters were named Bennett?

That would be dumb. And therefore a joke. You know what my mama always said, it doesn't matter if they're laughing with you or at you. As long as they're laughing. As long as you vomit. Buh, and it's funny now. All right. So what's going on here apparently is the Brianna Bennett of ghost fakers fame.

She's the one that follows around the ghost whackers chick and shows that it's not really a supernatural lake shark. It's just a regular lake shark. It's so good. I wanted a shark to like walk back in and like be doing like a YouTube channel about skeptic YouTubers who ignore me and get in the charts. You're like, look, I'm real. She's shitty at her job. The original ghost black lady is right. She's better.

The shark defeats the raging atheist in a YouTube debate. Oh, come on, man. And also, by the way, the soundtrack is in a fight with the dialogue during this part. You know, like they're clearly talking louder. So the soundtrack's like, fuck you, I'll be louder to them. So we get in that whole scene, then we cut back to dead brother priest who walks out of the church and crosses himself because he's a priest, right? That priest stated it crossed themselves, you know, just like whenever they leave a building or enter a building, they're like vampires, right?

But they got that. When they open their phones. Yeah, because he has pictures of demons on his phone, like saved in the camera roll. I can't tell if that's weirder or the fact that we're watching him scroll through those as weirder. And I think my favorite part though is that he's having trouble scrolling through because he put one of those screen protector stickers on. Yeah. Like 19 years ago. And there's so many bubbles in it because he's an idiot and couldn't

just put on a sticker correctly. It looks like an active called Dara. Yeah, exactly. He starts googling how to get the screen protector on the bottles. All right. And then I guess, okay, we later realize this is a flashback, right? This is something he's remembering. It's weird

because he's not there. So it's odd to have memories that you're not in, but he's remembering some kind of satanic summoning, right? We cut to these three girls, we can tell their Satanists because they're all wearing black tank tops. Oh, I've got to be honest, I completely forgot about this. What racist? What was this? Okay, this is the only person of color in the movie. That is correct. I remember there was a lady in her night gown sort of crawling around. Yep, yeah.

Your guess is as good as mine. I thought for a second, maybe this was a sequel and they were flashing back to stuff that happened in the last one. Yeah, we see these three Satanist chicks having some kind of satanic summoning or whatever. And at the same time, there's a lady in her nightgown running around a cemetery rolling on the floor in a way that she's pretty sure is creepy. Oh, and words cannot do justice to this actress doing like a regal around motion thinking the scene is over. Someone very clearly going, we're still rolling and then her being like, oh, regal,

regal, regal, regal. That exactly happened. All I thought was just like, oh, these porn actresses had such a nice day doing this movie. Right? That's fun for them. I thought this just like happened in real life and they used it because they're really at this cemetery again without the rights to be at they didn't pay anybody in the cemetery to like rent the space and they're about to be kicked out like the guys coming over and they're like finishing as fast they can. And then I think they just saw this lady in a big shirt rolling around and they were like, this is fucking, this is perfect. She's in the movie. Keep rolling and we have to run away soon, but keep rolling. Yeah. All right. And then we cut back to it to the priest going like, that was a memory,

guys. It was a memory. Can you guys hear the doodly doodly? Brianna Bennett. She says it's fake. Say on this. There she is. I love that not only does it make no sense that this is a memory, but it also doesn't fill in any questions we might have about this character or the plot or anything either or ever come back in the movie. This is just yet another. What the fuck do you mean?

This is 48 minutes. Kind of a moment. All right. So now we cut to an insane woman playing with sharks on a playground. Okay. I need to clarify something right now. This is vital to me. This is supposed to be a child, right?

Is it this 36 year old? Yes. I think this woman is supposed to be a child. I thought she was supposed to be mentally handicapped because this movie thinks that's funny. To mentally disabled adult. All right. So like she's there playing with her toy sharks in the playground and then Ali, the girl that got bit by the shark that is the female lead.

She comes up and she's like, huh, you a big fan of sharks? She's like, yeah, I love sharks. What do you like to do? She says, I'd like to get wet. And this actress just reacts so honestly. She's just like, you, you cause maybe I'm a child and maybe I'm supposed to be mentally ills. You, you. But then she's like, all right, I feel kind of, I can bathe you, I guess. Yeah, right. So she takes her to her pool, but she does her house.

Yeah, like they're at the playground in a park and they walk to her house, right? That's what had to have happened. Yeah, but then I guess that the handicap girl like covered Ali's eyes on the way to the pool? Yes, that's what we cut to. And but again, so they walked from this park to some other house, at least a little bit far away, but it was the middle of the day in

the park. Yeah. And they get to the house that has a pool and it's completely dark. So she walked with her hands over Ali's eyes for like eight hours. Yeah. At least. If they had showed us that, it would have been the best movie ever. See, we just got to watch, I guess, a mentally disabled adult putting her hands over this other actress's eyes.

And they walked awkwardly for eight hours, one right next to the other. I, that's art. That's where is that stand by me remake? That's what we need. All right. So I love to that this moment is actually the way it plays out is the the girl says to her, she says, I like to get wet. And the other girl's like, then we could swim in my pool. No, no, that's not what she meant there.

But then do we have this profoundly unsexy changing into our swimsuit scene? Oh, again, that was very sex. No, people who fail at objectification are my favorite. She like, she like slowly pushes down her outer clothing to reveal her swimsuit. And then she has to do that, like, pick the swimsuit out of her butt moment. She's like, no, no, no, it's not uncomfortable. Also, just like when she gets into the pool, it's one of those suburban shitty pools, so she gets into the pool and she's immediately at the far edge. So she's just like, I'm in the pool now.

And the like half belly flop thing that she does to get in, that the like kind of, the new character we just met who plays with shark toys. She just she also takes her clothes off. She's got a bathing suit underneath. And then she just runs into the pool as if the pool wasn't there. She just runs in the direction of the pool as if it was more ground. And then she's in the pool and like half belly flops. It was one of my hair moments. And then Ali starts to seduce her. And then she wakes up. It turns out this was all a dream, I think. Yeah, she had a dream about almost sexually assaulting a mentally disabled person or

a child. We're giving both theories. Are you do you feel like that's better? I feel like it's important that we acknowledge my vision. All right. Well, that's, you know, given your history with that phrase, I don't even think I can make it into the out the final edit. Probably just cut that whole scene. All right. So now we cut back to ghost whackers lady.

She's bitching at the shark at the waterfronts again, and we get this amazingly unflattering shot of her ass throughout it. Oh, well, here's the thing. This actress is doing a lot of moving around near water, but she was like, I am not getting in that fucking water. You hear me? Like, why don't know what she had in the right, but she was going to be near. But if her toe dipped into that water, she was going to make a scene. So, yes, so she has some more shark demon seizures where she says, and I'm sure this was an intentional joke. As she's yelling to the shark demon, she says, yes, come inside me. And get it. Just want to say this actress has like so much experience telling people to come and

like she had a real for it. She was the Marlin Brando in this audition. Just by everyone else go home. And you know, the director is like, Hey, one more time. We've said this a lot. The line is, the director was like, Hey, one more time, we've said this a lot. The line is, I'm possessed by a shark demon. You keep saying come inside me. Do you hear the difference? It's just entirely different. None of the words are the same. The shark walks up. How are you going to pay for this pizza? All right. And then we cut to more swimming and Ali trying to be sexually by averting your attention from her face. And then she wore a feather earring to swim. Do you understand what the hell's going on here? But yeah, someone else got a shark ate or something. There's blood. Oh, this is when she like alley meets a stranger. Yeah. At the same at the

same lake and just starts like walking around her in circles. Yep. For no reason. Just being like doing the jaws music stranger. Well, you're on hand. I can tell. All right. So now that we get the ghost fakers lady plotting against the ghost wackers lady, right? She's there in a court house or whatever ghost fakers is on the phone. She's like, Hey, person who is on the other line of this phone very clearly. Guess what this next scene is going to be about, right? I'm here at the park, you know, the park. As you know, my entire job is following around the ghost whackers lady. And here she is.

Oh, she's up at the courthouse that's in this park, I guess. We are now weird. I'm going to walk up there and follow her. Yeah, the park has it all picnic tables, the Parthenon, it's kind of strange. So she walks up a ghost whackers chick. Well, last time we saw her, remember she was in her second demon shark trance. Now she's just zombie walking around. Brianna, the ghost fakers chick comes up and says, Hey, I want to talk to you. And then ghost whackers chick, mounts her and pukes into her mouth. Again, this actress just had a ton of

experience vomiting into other actions. She was just so ready for this. It was her, her book of Mormon. She didn't. I love how she did it till she did it. Like, you know, when like the bully brother holds down the smaller brother and like makes him open their mouth and they slowly drool the spit down and make make them swallow.

She's like, open a mouth so I can vomit into mouth. I gotta tell you, I'm just so grateful you didn't say that dads do that to their sons. That is neither here nor there. You know when you don't hold the flashlight, right? All right. Just hold and Brianna's mouth closed like a dog that just took a pill. As soon as she lets go, Brianna spits the vomit back in her. All right. So you know how like sometimes on the nature channel, you'll see a deer walking for the first time, trying to figure out how it's legs

work and stuff. Well, we get a scene like that only for fat guys and jogging that comes after this. This was a very relatable content that was attacking me. I'm not sure why this is my little boy. Those few times in my life, I'm going to do some jogging. You know what? I'm getting healthy today. Haven't ran in 15 years. I'll be able to do this. I used to, when I was on the soccer team, we had to run all the time. Nope. How many, here's my question. How many days do you think there were between the shoots of this guy running for a minute? It's like a 27 day shoot right here. And they had to make cuts. There were more cuts to get 20 seconds of running backs.

Well, I think it was more than that because it sure seemed like I was watching him jog for about seven and a half minutes, but yeah, the time dimension of this movie stretches out. That's true. But yeah, apparently we get like a minute of this dude jogging just so that he can eventually come across that dead body from earlier so that he can then puke too since puke is so funny. Yeah, 10 out of 10, that was real vomit from the real actor. They were like, look, if you're gonna puke every time you stop running anyways, we're gonna use it in the movie. We're gonna work it into this script. Now get back to holding the camera.

And then, okay, this is the first time I can tell for sure that the movie did mean to be funny, right? Because he comes across the dead body, pukes all over himself and he goes, she's still hot, I'd still do her. God, fuck. Which means that the puke comedy beat was immediately followed by the necrophilia comedy beat guys. How many times have we gone over this? As a comedy rulatuse from it? Necrophilia two things done. I mean glass houses, stones, that's all I'm saying. Let's move on. All right. So now a bitchy girl is

in a car apparently. Okay. So there's a sorority and this bitchy girl is initiating these other two girls into the sorority and they've all chosen to sit in the front seat of this four doors sedan for some reason. Why are they all in the front? Well, and let's acknowledge that like one of these two girls is a larger lady, which makes the all being in the front seat way more unintentionally comical. Also, the very sweaty large camera guy is probably smashed into the front seat to somewhere, shooting this scene because they don't understand physics. You remember that scene in Roger Rabbit where they all the weasels turn in the car suddenly and their heads not together.

It's like that. Yeah. Like that. If one of the weasels was a bull mass. All right. So for their last initiation, these two girls have to go out to that lake where all them shark attacks happened. And according to the chick initiating them, they have to swim 10 minutes into the lake

and make sure that they don't die. Now what they're actually going to do is stand almost ankle deep in the water because these two chicks were damned if they were going to get their whole leg sweat too. Yeah. Also, this is where they do the high five low four. Oh, for God to miss thing, right? Do they? Again, if it's on purpose, it's brilliant, but it's not. It's just like high five low four too slow,'s forum. She's like, we're keeping that take. I also love that the skinny chick of these two drew her line at full bikini, right?

Like so like the chick goes like, okay, now change into your swimsuits and this chick is like, my character swims in her fucking shorts brand and okay. I'm 15. Yeah, no, your character swims in her fucking shorts brand and okay. I'm 15. Yeah, no, your character swims in her shorts. So now they have to stand out in the water, even though there's a shark in the water. Again, they're ankle deep in this water, right? And they're like, oh, I feel like the shark's coming. And then the shark eats the bitchyy chick not the two of them. He doesn't off camera to the sound of bugs bunny eating a carrot

But I have are they allowed to use the sound effects from number munchers like that That shark eating a large bag of Doritos And his microphone pans over and the sharks just got one orange bin. Oh my God, are you guys filming? I'm so sorry. I just haven't gotten a crafty yet today. So I feel like an unprofessional.

I really wanted to see this shark get stuck in the sand here because they're in even less water this time. I got, like ankle height. I just wanted to see the demon shark been like, oh, can, give me a push. I'm like, really? This isn't better. Can you guys roll me a little bit? And the big girl's like, no, I get it, brother.

Come on. I don't have a title effect in the lake here, guys. It's not really going to need a hand. Don't do the music. Come on. You can't do suspense for me. I see you right there. You're stuck. If we could get like a lever situation, probably best for all of us, a hockey stick. One of you could kneel down. I don't want to tell you how to do your job. I'm a demon shark. So yes, a demon shark eats the bishy chick and then we cut to the priest character showing up at Emily and Allie's house. Now, I'm guessing this is actually this actor and the actress's home

that we're filming in now, which is real sad. So sad. Well, what's so sad about it is a nice house, but in terms of decor, they think they're nailing it. Oh, it's like, imagine if someone saw stained glass window and was like, man, I wish that guy did interiors. Just to name two things that I saw in this house, there's a picture of Ali very clearly in like one of the, she's doing that like I'm out in front of Chick-fil-A with my chick, Jen, chick, and chicken and my soda and my AR 15 because I support guns and homophobia.

So there's a picture of that and she's wearing like a tight dress that has the flag on it and a bald eagle. It's so fucking bad. And then next to that is the weirdest juxtaposition. There's one of Salvador Dali's melty clocks coming off the little shelf there with that horrible patriotic picture on it too. Really? And then when the priest comes in, what's her name and I refuse to learn Emily? Emily is like, are you a stalker? And he's like, no, I'm a priest. And she goes, are you a stripper? And he's like, no, still a priest. And that's stupid and dumb except as we learn, if you read the bios of this actor, he actually was a chippendale, which means this actor

was like, she should think I'm a stripper. Because I know. No, sexy. I was a stripper for a while. Very previously to this time. Lots of people ask, are you a stripper? Whenever I see them, that's realistic. Which means he was probably also a stalker once.

Right? But that's realistic, which means he was probably also a stalker once. Well, if you would watch the movie Saul, which is coming out, you never. I love this one line too. Like there's so many great lines in this conversation that they have Emily's talking to the priest about the shark thing. And she's like, it was crazy though, a shark attack in this part of our town. Did they normally attack the black neighborhoods? What the fuck are you talking about? They normally attack in the ocean part of penicillin.

This was weird. Oh, cuts over to the black neighborhood. Like four people are being eaten by sharks. I know they need to talk to their community leaders, right? Two of those sharks are cops. Shark-infested mess over there. Clean up your districts. They come here from those shark hole countries.

All right, before we go full Reagan here, back, swim back. All right, well, before we go full Ronald Reagan here, I think we have earned ourselves another break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Can the nun get Satan to get the demon to get the shark to get the lady to get the people to get in the water and get eaten? I guess is the plot. How is that the plot? Find out the answer to this question and more when we return for the almost entirely unrelated conclusion of shark exorcist. Alright, you guys ready for the whole area's high five scene?

Yeah. Is crafty still open? And action. Pretty hungry. Hold on. Alright. High five. Low four.

Out. You're supposed to miss. Yeah yet we'll pull your hand away faster you know it's in the script okay all right high five low you didn't let me finish that time sorry sorry you know that that was on me still rolling okay roll back we got this Still rolling. Okay, roll back, we got this. All right, hi. Never, never mind, I'm gonna go smoke. Um, me too.

Me too, this is so much more fun than porn. Wait, what? And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna open up on a reminder of why we all stopped going to the fair at about the age of 11. Never, ever show real- We'll never stop going to the fair at about the age of 11. Never ever show real pictures of the fair. Are you guys anti fair both of you?

What? Oh my God, that's the most disgusting. Okay, you know what? Darkest timeline. I love fairs. Final cake. I was so hungry for Final Cake just seeing a fair. They didn't even show Final Cake.

I was just like, Final Cake. I love fairs. All right. So here's the only thing that you need to know to know how shitty fairs are. One time Walt Disney was walking around in a fair and said, Hey, you know what would be great would be just like something like this, only where you can't actually watch the person running the ride shoot heroin intravenously while you're on it. And that was the birth of Disneyland. Yes, there the worst goddamn thing in the universe. So maybe we could segregate this. Well, Disney was a racist. And then he's great crap.

I was like, as long as there's fun, okay, whatever you want, well, you get shit. Who doesn't want fried dough with sugar? It's the best. I mean, I can get that without having to go to a sad. Yeah, but it's not the same and gross the same way and you can't win a 400 foot tall stuffed animal that you don't want. And that you would have got cheaper if you just bought it. Yeah, that you spent like $8,000 to get tickets to shoot a gun into a little thing. Oh, new game. It's fun. It's positive. I feel like you guys are tricking me into saying negative things now. What's the new game? I have a new game. I have a new game. We put Heath in worse and worse situations where there is funnel cake When he notices like he's in the death camps at Auschwitz

But there's funnel cake and he's like what are you talking about? We got bad. We have funnel cake Everyone's looking really cut. It's all gone. I would, I'd be treated well there, but that's not the point. All right. So I have to point this out. If you watch the movies along with this, this one's available for free on Amazon, because it's not like a church money for it. But at 41 minutes, 32 seconds in this scene, there's this amazing moment where some little kid who's not in the movie checks out Ali's ass at length He really does it's it's a mate. He's my hero. I love that kid. He made the whole movie worth watching So apparently what nice good ass. Oh, yeah sure

All right, so apparently what's going on now is Ali has gone to the fair to find some more victims and she's come across now is Ali has gone to the fair to find some more victims. And she's come across Lauren and Bobby. I am so proud of myself for remembering those characters names. Lauren was the bitchy girl from the beginning. Bobby was Ali's boyfriend that Lauren might be fucking. Oh, the people, the silent people that's Lauren and Bobby. Yes, the people who point talk. We meet these two characters. And at first, I was like, Oh, these are extras. I don't know what happened here because they're clearly moving their mouths, but we're not getting the audience. Like, so they fucked up so bad on like, Hey, do you want a hot dog? Yes, I do that they had to cut the audio and never

let them talk for the rest of the world. Again, Lauren is Lauren's the one who couldn't stop staring at the camera during the Dave and Buster scene. Yep. So they have now reduced her exclusively to poking. Just to poking is relationships. Oh, that's her. Yeah. She just didn't even Buster is okay.

Yeah. This movie ties together. Oh, yeah. It really comes together at the end. So for like, I am not exaggerating for five minutes and 20 seconds, we watch this couple walk around talking wordlessly and then pointing at the thing that we're talking, that they're talking about so that we know that they are communicating. And we watch Ali like stalk from behind them.

At one point, she sees an aquarium and because she's possessed by a demon shark, she has to go stare into it creamly. But again, it's like they don't have aquariums at the fair. So they've just set up a shitty small aquarium for this with very obvious extension cords. And they had to like give a guy at the baseball booth 20 bucks. You know, some of his power and she just sort of walks around it in a semicircle and the guy who is her husband was like, we're making movies in him. Imagine. I wanted her to like get in it somehow be like, oh, it's a fish tank carnival ride.

I just, I kind of hurt myself. It broke some glass. That was not the mood. It's not how this ride works. Somebody is playing this. I also love how like in the background, nobody's on any of the rides, not because they like rented this place out, but because fairs are shit, nobody wants to go to. Also because there's two mimes in the foreground that are just a pain in the ass. That would have been fun though. If like if this couple ended up being two mimes that fell in love while mimeing, this would be a genius scene, but that's not what they've done. Oh, compared to what they did, do genius anyway. I also love this moment. Okay, because

I have a, I have a theory about this moment. So we see the two, the Bobby and Lauren, they're about to go into the zombie apocalypse house. And then we, we immediately after see them coming out of the zombie apocalypse house and breaking up. And I'm sure that a scene happened in that zombie apocalypse house, but they didn't realize until they went to look over it, that filming in the dark is just blackness. And so they had to cut that bet. Oh, man. Oh, Dave, Dave. I'm so sorry to tell you this man You're seen in the zombie house where you jump out and then Bobby punches you Turns out it was in the dark. I know I'm upset too. I'm upset too But don't worry you are going to be an assistant lead director in S.O.U.L

The story of me in my wife's relationship, debuting never. And just to remind everybody, this is a shark movie. And they're still at a carnival fair. The how the fuck are they going to incorporate sharks into the scene? This is going to be amazing. They're going to have to do something with sharks, right? Like a, like, if they did a shark attack in the dunk tank, I was going to be back on board. It's like the ball hit thing

and then for it. And there's a shark in the time. Someone gets one of those jumbo sodas. You can get in the fair. There's a shark attack in there. I get it. I get it. I'm picking up as you're putting down. The mimes are just doing fake throws and the sharks piss. Like, come on, you're not going to think won't go in. I'll do it. I'll do it. All right.

So now, okay. So Bobby breaks up with Lauren, I think. And then Wanderer's off to use his phone. At this point, Ali sneaks up on him and she has vampire teeth because sharks have teeth too, right? Like, so teeth. So and by now Emily and the priest have shown up to try to save the day. So Ali bites Bobby, the priest shows up just in time to fuck up his line and say, and

I quote, the power of Christ commands you. Commands you. Wanna try one more time? No. Black down. of Christ commands you. Commands you. Wanna try it one more time? No, black. Okay. All right. You're done.

You're done. I'm just gonna say it. The one self-esteem. I met. I'm an human shark. It doesn't command me. As you can see, I'm still. My demon is inside her.

Now she's vampire. This all makes sense. The power of Christ consumes. Oh, fuck. I'm commuting. God damn it. It's something. I'm close. I'm still my demon is inside her now she's vampire. This all makes sense. The power of Christ consumes. Oh fucka, commutes you. God damn it.

It's something I'm close. I'm close. All right. Into the dunk tank with me. Now we cut to the titular shark exorcist or as close as wherever you're going to get to that. So apparently the Emily and the priest have grabbed Ali and a teaky torch and take it out to be exercised of this demon. I really, really want to see him buy that teaky torch at a Tennessee

Walmart where they would have had to buy it next to several. Yeah. Right. Right. So, okay. What are you guys you guys doing? right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right the extra. That sounds fun. Can we show our movie? Also, I'm going to give this movie credit. The closest that ever got to good is when they start this exorcism and Emily says to the priest, we're going to need a bigger cross. Yeah, that's actually like that. If that level of humor occurred 73 more times in this movie, it would have been kind of funny. Yeah. But she steps on her own line as she does it.

He's like, demon, we need a bigger cross. Nope. Sorry. We are going to need. Do you remember, Jaws? All right. So he starts making small talk with the demon the priest does. I'm he's like, so what kind of demon are you?

Do you possess here often? What's the? Do you know Baffa may? I don't want to be that guy. Things all do show each other. But I know I imagine joy wonder if you guys have ever run into each other? No, I'll tell them you said hi at our meeting. You're with a meeting. Do you?

Bigot. Oh, no, okay, sorry. Also, I think my favorite part of the scene, this actress, this is Ali, right? She's tied up. She has the diamond in her right now. She completely forgot about the movie for three or four minutes here and just clearly played with her rope ring. She was doing gymnastics because she's not tied up. No, they just have very loose rope rings that she's like, we swingy swingy swingy swingy swingy.

Like the whole scene is the best. Well, I've got to say like I was a little disturbed at this point because it seemed like we had gone like a solid eight minutes without any vomit jokes, but don't worry. This movie was right there with me. So the demons like, there's only one thing that can stop me. Lean in real close and I'll tell you all about it. And then she, she vomits on him. She vomited to your mouth.

Bombay. Because not enough people get that that pea soup scene in the exercise was a comedy beat. There were a lot of Chuck. He was watching the exercise and he was like, oh, they totally missed the fucking laughs. So much. I'm going to do so much better than this movie. Babe, get in here. I thought of a great laugh for our movie, our shark movie. Puked in the mouth. Uh, correct.

Stop doing real estate for a second. All right. And then the movie entirely forgets that Ali supposed to be tied up, right? Because the priest starts choking her and just pulls her away from the tree. Yep. Emily's going like, remember,

she's, you don't choke her to death because she's possessed by a demon. He's like, right, but she's my wife. So I like to do this. I also, I love that they fucked up the lighting so much in this scene that for most of it, all of their faces are completely blacked out by one another shadows. And then we get them kissing as the part of the exorcism. Okay, so the demon agrees to trade Ali's body for the priest's body, but they transfer by kissing. And it's like it's that gross couple that didn't realize the you may now kiss the bride part isn't supposed to be all tonguey. Oh God, that's the worst. Yeah, but it's a movie and I have

to watch it for my job is what happened in this moment. Are you sure demons transfer with kissing? I don't think that's how that look. Did I get hepatitis? So did you get hepatitis? Exactly. I got hepatitis. Okay. Also, and on top of the hepp thing, you just vomited. It's a lot of bile. It's a lot of bile. Okay, we're doing them. We're kissing. Right. It's a biley kiss that is up there on the bile scale of course. Have an egg. It'll balance it out. Now it's egg and bile. That's not egg didn't help. No, it helped. It helped. I was hungry. Okay. All right. So the demon like transfers from alley into the priest and then Emily and Ali hang out for a while going like, Hey, that was pretty rough on the whole being possessed by

a demon. But now the priest is a fucking demon. So of course he attacks Emily. He's, he's a shark demon. Now we did not think that. And then okay okay I have to say this sentence because there's no other way that I can get to the end of this scene so I'm gonna go ahead and say it and then demon shark flies out of the moon at them. It's the Michael Scott shooting everybody ending of horror movie. Michael Shark, FBI. I'm diving out of space right now. That's what we watched. So that was just like maybe a regular shark who was skydiving that day.

I don't know. They're just like, wow, this is kind of ironic. We're dealing with our own shark thing right now. All right. Are you okay? So now a character that we've never met is going to drive through the last 10 minutes of this movie. Got to make that 71 minutes.

This is the weirdest fucking scene in the movie to me, right? Like, so we see this incredibly rip chick walking through the park. We watched this for a very long time. I'm right in the my to me, right? So we see this incredibly rip chick walking through the park. We watch this for a very long time. I'm right in the middle. Wow. Is she going to arm wrestle the shark, but she's not a guy is watching her from behind a tree or at least that's what they were going for. He's on the wrong side of behind the tree.

He's in front of the tree. Like I wanted her to address that. Be like, Hey, I see you're clearly a stalker. You can't hide behind a tree when I'm coming from that side. The behind all the whole behind thing is not working well for you. Right. Sorry. Sorry. Can you go back and walk through again? I'll hide Better this time. Camera guy, can you get me going around it? Like I'm creeped by ghosts a little bit around the tree. You can't because you're stuck in the tree, right?

Now, clearly, this is the other woman that this director knew that he could talk into being in her bikini for this movie, right? Yeah. My theory is that this guy walked up to every hot girl and his gym, which is also my gym, because this guy is absolutely my next door neighbor. And he was like, hey, you want to be in a movie? We're shooting it right outside.

It won't take more than five minutes. And you have me. Hey, did you say hey at the beginning? And they were all disappointed when he didn't murder them. So. Do you have hepsy already? One thing, okay, so she's going out into this park to lay out, but she's not on a beach, right?

She just lays down a towel in the grass and starts laying there. I'm like, you don't have to go a place for that. They have sun everywhere. And we cannot emphasize how long this scene is. I mean, truly, they were like, Oh, no, we have 48 minutes. We need six minutes of her laying out her towel and lying down upon it. Well, no, and let's establish the towel. Let's flash back to a loom. We watch her buy it at at bed bath and beyond and she tries to use store credit and they say it's expired.

She's expired. Everybody has those old ones from the mail. You'll need to drive back to your house and get it off the counter and come back all on film. Please. All right, guys, you're making it sound really bad. Yes, we lot watch her lay in the sun for six and a half minutes, but she texts. It's like, no, no action at all. I think she probably texted the director. Is anything going to happen or am I just going to?

So script just says Lake. That's it. It just says Lake. That's the whole script for this scene. I mean, it says it once on every page. Don't get me wrong. I went by it. Should I be saying Lake Lake Lake Lake Lake Lake. All right. So then she falls asleep. You know how sometimes you fall asleep with your knees still bent upward because your towel isn't long enough and you don't want to get your legs itchy. It's like that. Well, she's asleep. This creepy guy shows up and starts taking pictures of her inner bikini. Right. Now afterwards, we watch him scroll through

these photos. I counted. We literally watch him slowly scroll through 18 photos. We watch him take and then scroll through 18 photos. Yes. Yeah. Right, like literally this goes on for like six, this whole scene goes on for like six, seven minutes. Yeah, she's asleep or allegedly asleep, knees up in the air asleep, and he's taking all these pictures forever.

And I really wanted him to get a phone call right there. She's like, hey, oh, it's bad. I'm doing a stalker thing. Can I call you back? It's important? No, what? What? The second drawer.

No, the second from the top. Why would I tell you from the fucking bottom? Sorry, I had to take that. Hello, I'm talking you today. But then, okay, but then he leaves. We will never see him again or find out anything else about him. She gets up, she wakes up, she grabs her shit and starts heading back to the car. So she literally could have just been a chick walking through the park and this scene plays exactly the same, right? Yep. We just watch her drink a whole soda and then like she realizes she doesn't want to carry

this to the car. The trash can is far. All right. I'm going to walk to the trash can, I guess. But then she turns to leave and wouldn't you know what evil none is right there? So she screams now keep in mind. She just turns in season none and screams. She doesn't know it what evil none is right there so she screams now keep in mind she just turns in season none and screams she doesn't know it's evil none yet so question what do we call what she does a scream i i i i i want to say this

woman's voices course it's a right she turns it we've been oggling this woman's very attractive body for a long time and then she turns her and she's like, raw. Oh no. There's a killer nun here. Yes, brother. I'm no longer the press secretary.

Dog the bounty hunter and a wig. All right. So she, so evil nun stabs her to death and then a different lady rises out of the water or something that attacks evil nun. Yeah, I don't somebody lost her one or something. I'd have no fucking idea. Very unclear.

Okay, I think this is this is the first girl that she murdered at the very beginning when she stabbed her with the a year and three weeks ago. A year and three weeks. Okay. I think I mean, it was not I hear you're right. I think you're right. So that's her zombie now coming back out of the water to avenge her death at the hands of the nun. Maybe. I thought she, that makes more sense. No. Then I thought that she was just alive because we saw her swimming.

Well, that's right. That's true. Or that's true. So she's just been swimming around for a year and three weeks. That's gonna come back. Sacrifice never happened. So it's just a normal shark, not a demon shark. Well, normal lake shark. Normal Tennessee lake shark. The blue eyes are

coincidence. I don't know. I just love that they have all of this weird shit at the end that makes no sense. And instead of establishing any of that, we spent eight minutes, owing this plunge. Yeah. Yeah. Scott Bikini babes. What do you want? The director said to everyone who watched this movie as a favorite him. At some point, I needed a shark to get exercise though, because A, again, that's the title. But B, that would have been hilarious because it would

have been like, okay, the demon is out of the shark. It's still attacking us. It's just shark. Yeah. Yeah. Still a shark. Fuck. And we're, we got eaten either way. Okay. It's kind of funny. I guess. All right. So, so meanwhile, all right. So we cut away from that scene. Lauren is at the dock, the bitchy blood girl from the very beginning that was at David

Buster's and Emily, the other girl that was with her that wasn't Dali, is stumbling down the pier because remember she got bit by the priest who turned into the demon shark. No, don't remember that. All right, so we have this great moment to where Emily has to like take her shirt off to be in her bikini or whatever, but she has to do it really carefully because if she doesn't she'll wipe the scar off of her arm. Yeah. To be there.

You I just again, I would pay any amount of money for the uncut footage that has this director being like, don't fuck up your special effects makeup. My wife worked really hard on that. And then Lauren comes up and says, Emily, what's wrong? And she says, sorry, Lauren. And then demon shark leaps out of the water to eat her. Hey, you're the mime girl, right? Just give me a second. I'm going to turn to shark and eat you mimes of the worst. And then the movie's over. Well, the credits roll, but there's an after or well, actually, there's a mid credits and an after credit

scene. So there's a mid credit scene that we get. Okay, wait. This mid credit scene is the craziest thing in any movie. Yes, we have ever fucking watched. I very artistic, very, very artistic. You have to give it that. Is that the word we're going to use? Yep. Cinematography Nation. Yep. It's just a girl.

I was like, oh, maybe he like recorded this over the whole movies of their trip to the aquarium. I like, I honestly had that thought too, man. Like, not even as a joke I honestly got does he know This was at the end of the video We're gonna see him and his wife fuck before this is Oh, this is just my daughter doing shark by Calvin Klein So there's this there's this girl who's at the public aquarium.

She goes up to a big display of stuffed sharks. She, she starts stroking them with a real like which of these sharks is going in mommy's vagina tonight vibe. She selects several of them as though some are and some aren't right. Yep. Well, I mean, at one point, she actually checks the stuff shark for whether it has a penis or she's sexing the fucking stuff sharks at a certain point. The important to her is you don't want to be gay when you're having sex with a shark. Take it seriously. So she grabs an armload of stuff sharks, then she

walks out and looks at the aquarium and gets really sad again, but a plastic shark toy that hasn't been introduced yet gives her strength. And then she vomits orange juice concentrate. Have I pretty much summed this up? Yes, but it's so long. It's a hundred years long and it's never and it can't be explained because it's the mid-credits. Yes. And it's a character we don't know doing things we don't understand. Look, we have these people's license plates. Can we please just call them and ask what this scene was? You guys, well, let me go to Kevin Sorobos house. I just want to call them and ask what this scene was. All right. Now, so I noticed this that you guys have had plenty of notes for the mid-credits

scene. I didn't see any notes for the after-credits scene. Did you guys catch that one as well? I didn't, you know what? I did not. I gave up on the movie because I was so confused and bad fault by the midfielder. I am still watching the mid credits. And I always will be it is the semis dot of this movie. Yeah. All right. So but after the credits are over, we see the ghost whackers lady. See, they didn't forget about her. And then she's standing in front of the parthenon and then she pukes and starts rubbing it into her face because puke is funny.

And that's the end of the movie. Yeah, I missed that. Don't worry. It's still there. It's very unlikely. I did a call back to the vomit thing that's classic. All right. Well, normally I close with an analogy, but rubbing vomit into your own face is I did a call back to the vomit thing that's classic.

All right, well, normally I close with an analogy, but rubbing vomit into your own faces really as synalgous as we can get. So my shark is to shark as shark is to blank. So I guess that's going to do a far review of shark exorcist, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a lure you back in for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Seven reasons. Ray Comfort back in the house. Oh, good. This isn't the one where he does Kung Fu yet, is it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, All right. This is sorry. What? Yeah. Call the movie with Ray Comfort. Are you lying to me? I'm not lying to you. It's not out yet. Don't tease me. It's going to happen. It's not out yet. No, it's it's it's going to it's going to happen.

No, okay. We're going to that premiere. We're doing red carpet. We're getting a goddamn limo. That's happening. And we're going to get into a karate fight with Ray Comfort. Yes, sir. All right. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 207 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're gonna be able to access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show,

be sure to check out our siblings shows and scathing Atheists. Sitation needed and the schedule is available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies.jmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written

and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Traffs on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audience and your Martin Clark and was used with mission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen right now. I'm Noel Eason's promise to work hard to earn all the truck next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close 100% of this cast went straight from this movie set to the set of a shark porn called Deep Blue Seaman guaranteed Nobody involved in this movie went on to do anything. Same thing as what I said. Yeah, I don't mean to be repetitive.

The couple who starred in this movie went on to write, direct, and star in a different unfinished movie about their god damn relationship. And it's called soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called soul soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called soul soul soul. And it's called Soul. It's called Soul. So that technically counts as a curse. That counts, and it's like fucking in the count. It's doing it.