God Awful Movies - 209: Come What May

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

This week, Andrew Torrez joins the gang for an atheist review of "Come What May", the story of a fake law school losing a fake competition with fake arguments. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And he has his cousin Vinnie moment and again, listen, I can only express to you my condolences and sadness that you cannot watch Andrew's notes devolve into confusion and then fear and then acceptance throughout this quote-unquote deposition. Oh yeah, no this is that this someday photographs of my notes will be used in the Kubla law scare. Oh Christ. Not awful movie movies. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. Welcome back to God awful movies. For each week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heathen, right? And sitting 500 miles to my right in disgusting, rat-infested Baltimore, Maryland is my good friend, Andrew Torres

to mess Andrew. Welcome back. Thanks, Heath. I was going to go for my typical witty banter here, but now I think I'm going to go for the jugular. Now you've got shots fired on Baltimore here. And sitting just outside of the social media internet just barely is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli has a going, I'd prefer if we were married before you asked me that question. I just opened it. We are touching voices, whether you like it or not. So tell us, Andrew, we watched a movie that I'm sure you loved.

What are we going to be breaking down today? We watched and I swear I am not making this up. Come what may? It's the story of how to debate abortion as told by homeschooled 12-year-olds who think that the two positions are pro-life from the moment of conception because it's a baby. And maybe just maybe one person somewhere can get an abortion if she was raped by Brett Kavanaugh and also Brett Kavanaugh as her dad.

Oh, God. It really is almost exact. Like that wasn't exaggerating. That's pretty. Yeah, I don't do comedy. That's pretty. Yeah, I don't do comedy. That's just it was straight. It was made by homeschooled 12 year olds will get into the exact details of that. They'll admit it in the movie. Yep. And Eli, you got a few hints already. How bad was this movie? Well, if you hate Andrew Torres and you want to torture him for 90 straight

minutes, you will love this movie. Listen, seriously, this movie takes literally everything my friend Andrew Torres loves and he holds dear and destroys it. Law, baseball, debate, homeschooling, fucking baking. There is nothing if at the end of this movie, Andrew's wife walked on the screen and got hit by a train. It would be complete. It would destroy all things. Andrew Torres likes and his notes devolves. If you love Edgar Allen Poe, you'll love Andrew Torres' notes by the end of this movie. They're just like, you motherfuck, he's sending out phone numbers that he's doxed to these kids. I'm coming to your house. It's rough.

It's rough. I'm guessing you guys will have an answer to this question for that reason. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, well, Eli took my first seven choices. I guess I'll have to go with best worst cheese grading. I mean, there were eight scenes of bloody knuckles that they had to cut out of this movie. No question. All right. I'm going to go with best worst baseball. Now, I don't just mean like the sport of doing baseball. I do mean that, but specifically, I do like a baseball. The guy who plays the main character very clearly insisted on carrying around a baseball at every moment because when

he doesn't even in real life or acting, the slender man shows up and gets angry and the children start weeping. But this actor is 0% capable of doing one single baseball thing, despite his weird obsession with carrying baseball. So to make it seem slightly less crazy to have that ball the whole time, the movie had the dad character do a baseball thing next to this main guy for one little scene, but dad can't do a baseball thing either. So it's just a fucking disaster. They're like, so many injuries. I guarantee that baseball and that scene caused so many injuries on this set every day.

Look, the ball itself, this is clearly the lead actor's binky, right? Like he's got to have it on him at all times. 100% and it looks like the ball ripped out of the dog's mouth in the sandlot, right? Like, I mean, the ball itself is disgusting. Yeah. Oh, gross. We will get to the batting cage scene, but let's just say the miracle of editing does some miracle and when you guys says batting cage, you're picturing some particular activity. It won't

be that. We'll tell you. No, no, I didn't say pitching machine. I said batting cage so sort of those words might apply. Anyway, that was the facility that they were at when they filmed the scene. We can tell you that much. All right, well, we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll tell you all about the psychological training video used to test Andrew's rage control as a debate team coach. That is Paul, whatever the fuck. Come on, man.

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That's liquid death.com slash awful. Liquid death mountain water. Murder your thirst. Alright ladies and gentlemen welcome my name is Andrew Torres and due to a prank war by one of my clients I will be the moot court coach this semester at boy. Howdy. Do we love Jesus University? So before we start I want to answer a couple questions. Boo. Yeah first I am aware that although my last name is Torres. Boo! I am nevertheless a US citizen, so please stop asking me this. Send him back. Prove it, hippie, prove it.

Secondly, many of you have requested that we segregate the class by gender and race again. So no, that's a hard no. And, uh, please stop asking. But he's an octirune. I am not. Doesn't matter. Uh, finally, none of this year's arguments can be based on Jesus, prayers, the Bible, or stuff you were hurting your head that you think is a message from an angel. How are we even going to argue? That's my whole thing. Ooh, ooh, yeah, question. You, you, you, back in the, yeah, go ahead. I, I noticed you looked at me while you talked just now. Are we married? I, I'm going to kill him. What?

Sorry. No, no, we're not married. I'd prefer that we were married. Well, we're not. And we're back. And we're going to start off with my 19th free trial from Pure Flix, freezing immediately. And like literally freezing within seconds and trying to advertise its other amazing movies to me. I'd seen all of them. It was very depressing actually. And then the movie actually started with logo and some wildly inappropriate music.

Hey, what music should we choose for the intro to our abortion legal movie? Super happy Christmas. Super happy Christmas music. Yep. Good. Super happy. Oh, Brian, can you edit that out? Right in time. Yeah. Even in there. Yeah. All good. Yeah. My only music known here was Spaghetti O's Western. It felt like I thought I was expecting to like pan out onto a horse like galloping through the great plains with a fetus on top going, yeah, I don't know, it's an abortion movie is all I know at this point. Well, Lee and appropriate music. And right out of the gate, these credits are going to inform us, don't worry, the married couple in this movie are married in real life. Yeah, Karen, Karen, Jesus and Kenny Gzick were like two of the first people build.

And I was just like, God, this could be awful. And then I checked IMDB. And it's like, yep, they're going to be playing the married couple that they really are. I'm sure they're going to be amazing. See, see, yeah, my eyes kind of glazed over during the credits. So it wasn't until the second watch through and the first set of notes that I realized they were married in real life. And that A, explains so much about this movie.

And B, it's a pretty damn good argument for Heath's lifestyle. I just have to say. B, that is fair. I'm above the bar of this. Thank you, I'm crushing it. And then we credit one very special individual. Andrew, you want to tell us a little about this?

Oh yeah, Dr. Michael Ferris. He's, he's Dr. He's a fucking monster. Do we have time for a quick deep dive? You know, 87 or so right on the abs. So fucking lootly we do. Yeah, nothing but time and your torrent. Yeah.

So look, I live in Maryland. So I have been aware of this asshole who lives in Virginia for I pretty much my entire adult life, right? Because he organized the Christian homeschool legal defense association, which is exactly what you think it is. Yep. And he founded Patrick Henry College, which is an unaccredited garbage school for which this movie will be not just product placement, but product placement on a level that may

be want to go back and see Transformers 5 again. Okay. Okay. This is the safety school for Liberty University. That's exactly right. That's exactly what it is. It has like 12 students and they learned that the earth was created in six days. safety school for Liberty University. That's exactly right. That's exactly what it is. It has like 12 students and they learned that the earth was created in six days.

Spoiler, I'm not saying that like to credit, that's a line from this fucking movie. Yeah, it's an brochure. And we should point out this entire movie, this is really important, is based on a lie of omission that this university uses to promote itself as like good and activity. No one cares about we're going to get to it. But before we set off on this journey, as you're putting on your adventurers pack and strapping your belt across your waist, putting your sword in the habit, just keep in mind that all of this is going to be like, okay, I said I went to Harvard University. You should listen carefully.

Yeah, it's not great. And we see a little pan across their campus here at the beginning. And like, it's college kids, but they're dressed like orthodox rabbis and their wives walking around the college campus. It's fucking creep. It's like handmades university. It's not good Yeah, and so in this first scene our main character whose name I never bothered to learn and you shouldn't either is talking to dad and Dad is about to submit his giant rubber band bounds textbook to publisher rubber band bound's textbook to publisher. He's. Yep.

And, uh, and he claims he's like, you know, he's a biology professor, I guess, at like a real college, is that what we're totally this movie he is, yeah, in this movie, right? And he's complaining, he's like, yeah, but I won't get tenure, you know, as a biology professor, if I publish this book of lies, yeah, a giant book of nonsense. No, yeah, how crazy is that? Yeah. Right. No, you absolutely wouldn't. That's good. But his son, who's also Christian, is like, I want to transfer to a Christian college. I want to go to Patrick Henry. Maybe you should go there too. If you published that book, they'd probably be cool with that actually. They don't realize that that would make sense in their plot,

but it would. Right. And then they both have a moment where they're like, what about mom? To wish again, this is the actual line exchange. What about mom? Yep. What about your atheist, Jew mom?

Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty much. Yeah, mom hates God and hates freedom. She's not gonna go for this. That's what they're saying. Yeah. Yeah, I thought after Yeah, mom hates God and hates freedom. She's not gonna go for this. That's what they're saying. Yeah. I thought after the yep, there was a little wamp wamp in the background, but they got close. And speaking of mom, now we're gonna cut over to mom, whose name is Judith. She will be the only character whose name they ever fucking say. So get ready. name they ever fucking say. So get ready. And she's a high powered lawyer, not in a public library, missing her walk and talk. She's so good. The beginning of the scene, she's supposed to just like, you know, walk into the camera frame. And like so close before she

walks back out of the camera frame, the guy who's supposed to have the opening line is like, I have the opening line. I'm here. I made it. She had to like shuffle. It's so good. Right. And we learned that she did an amazing job, lawyer, today.

Such an amazing job that her case is going to go to the Supreme Court, which this movie is pretty sure means super bowl. Yeah. When you do an amazing job of lawyer, like your case doesn't get appealed. Yup. Like that's the bad thing when your case gets appealed up to the supreme grip. But you know, the toddlers that made this film didn't know that they just picked words out of a hat. So now we cut back to home and mom and dad just don't seem to get along. They're quizzing their son

on some of that moral relativism you've been warned so much about. This scene is bonkers, right? Like they've got a chalkboard, like in place of the window on a door in their kitchen and their son, who's like 20 years old, right? Has to write Latin words on the chalkboard while they debate this over the dinner time. I mean, like, I homeschool my kid and I teach him to be never, but like this is weird even for me, right?

Like this is crazy. And so basically the point here is that mom is arguing for nuance, right? And dad's response is to, Huffley write a Latin phrase with bad grammar in my handwriting over a 27 minute period because he's never written in Latin before. Yeah. And then, Huff out of the room.

Am I getting that scene right? Is that what happens? He also kind of spells it wrong, and he also completely mistranslates it back to English eventually too. And all of that is done to distract you from the fact that the film writers have accidentally put into mom's mouth in minute three, the only refutation of the only argument you will need for this entire movie, right?

Because oh, yeah, the speed limit thing. Yeah. Cause the movie is like, well, is it a baby today? Well, then was it a baby yesterday? Well, how about the day before that? Where are you going to draw the line? And mom is like giving literally a textbook example that you, that you give in law school. I'm like, okay, so, you know, when is it reckless? It's at 70. All right. Is it reckless driving at 64? All right. Is it reckless driving at 64? All right. Is it reckless driving at 52? Right? Like, and, and the point of that is that sometimes in the law, like, there's no real difference between going 69 and going 70, but like, sometimes you just have

to draw a line because otherwise society would fall apart, right? You couldn't make any judgments at all. So she makes that example. That, that causes dad to mudder under his breath. I'm getting it to force and I hate you and storm out of the room. And right. Fiat justicia at here, yet, moon this on the little chalkboard, which it's he he thinks it says, do the right thing come what may? That's what the movie thinks is the translation of it's not. No, no translation is let justice be done though the world perish. And this is very different vibe. It's slightly different at least slightly different vibe. And this is used by a manual Kant among others, but famously by Kant, approximately the same phrase, talking about how utilitarian ethics is always wrong. So there you go.

Yeah. Yeah, so the kid eventually translates it. That's how we learn the movie doesn't understand what this thing actually says. The kid writes, do the right thing, come what may, to like reinforce that he's also Christian like dad. What if the wrong thing comes, go fuck yourself. Like, I don't know. You can't just call time out on time for your, your philosophy. Like, we're all in the time. Incorrect. Incorrect. They will call it time out on time in so many

ways in this movie. And speaking of which, even though this movie will not take place over a full calendar year, now it's time for the national moot court championship, not really. Oh, right. Oh, and by the way, Patrick Henry College is the best in the world at moot court championships. Yeah. I think to this movie, and did it sound correct? Okay. So the national moot court competition is one of the most prestigious law school contest,

right? It is co-sponsored by the American Trial Lawyers Association. It features teams from 124 different law schools, including the most prestigious, right? Question. Does Patrick Henry College have a law school? No. And Patrick Henry College won the National American moot court competition, which does not have its own Wikipedia page. So I can't figure out what the fuck it is. Later

on, we see a montage from it. And as best I can tell, it is limited to like nine different teams total, right? Like so they are trying to pretend like they've won an actual, and again, like the actual moot court thing is a thing no one gives a shit about, right? Like the big national moot court competition around like, you know, it's been won by like students from perfectly fine law schools, but like, you know, like nobody thinks that because your law school won the moot court competition that they're now worth anything. So that's right.

Put that all together. This movie is promoting the fact that a tiny Christian school you've never fucking heard of and no one in their right mind would attend based on the strength of its success in a competition. No one enters that kind of sounds like a much more important competition that still no one cares about. Right. And we should point out that Henry Patrick University or whatever, Steve Dave University

is not allowed to enter the national moot court competition. Right. Because they're not in a credited university. So when you go to the national moot because i was like that's got to be bullshit so i look up mood court national championship and the national mood court court competition comes up and it's like oh my gosh the top of it is harvard and then there's gale and there's all these

fancy schools and i was like i guess that's a real thing so that i entered patrick and re college mood. And it's literally like a, a wix.com website with the Erome Plepsum like landfill in your copy here. Right? She popped up. You need to navigate back. Absolutely. No. It is, it takes some solid. This is like if the American College of pediatricians that fake like homophobic, transphobic group that tries to sound like the real group of pediatricians, made a movie about winning an award from their like fake college of homophobic pediatricians. Yeah.

We're hoping you don't Google us the movie. If they're 12 year old shitty kids that don't go to school, man, a movie. That's yeah. That's great. I also just need to point out Patrick Henry, college has 304 students. I just need, I just need to know that. No, no, no, that's absolutely worth pointing out. I just need to point out that we are not so, so we get that first slide of hand, right,

of pretending that their fake moot court thing is the real moot court thing. But like moot court itself kind of sucks, right? Like it's really just sort of, it's more like theater than it is really like an actual academic activity. And the movie knows this. So we're like three seconds after that, they start calling it debate. And that was the first time where my blood pressure spiked to like 300 over 200 because this is not debate, right? I would I would pay literally any amount of money if anyone associated with this entire fucking movie would watch just one of Alex's debate rounds because it would blow their minds. You

said, you see, these kids get up like usually in movies, right? Like you have the 90210 problem, right? You got like 30 year olds pretending like they're 17 year what we have are, I think like an actual like six set of 16 year olds like on their high school mock trial team that are pretending to be in college. Like because they're delivering these like, it's not just that they're bad actors. Like the content of what they're saying is unimaginably stupid. Like if you, if you tried to say this in an actual moot court, you would be like, okay, let's everyone clap for the nice team from Patrick Henry now.

You're doing mask work? Just fucking like Simon. Yeah, if you had any doubts about us doubting their moot court prowess, all you need to do is listen to the six seconds of arguments this gives us about a traffic ticket and you'll know that this is not all there. Okay, so moot court, I should want to put this out, is supposed to be arguing in front of a federal court, I should point this out, is supposed to be arguing in front of a federal court, right? And they're arguing a traffic ticket.

Interesting. Is that how it works? It's even worse than that because it's a, you do it. And this is the way the actual moot court competition works. You have a three judge panel. So it's meant to simulate an appellate court, right? Like the, like the US court of appeals for the fourth circuit or something like that. And, and they definitely don't hear traffic.

You know, they don't get up and I like, oh, you know, he went through the intersection. I like, right. Yeah. And, and we're meeting the main female protagonist here, right? What's her name? I don't even know. I don't know.

The movie will never goddamn use it. No, it does at the end when she's being sold by her father, it is Rachel. Oh, Rachel, right, right. Okay. So yeah, we're meeting Rachel here. She goes to Patrick Henry and we're about to find out that she is the reigning national universal world champ of bullshit fake fake mood court mood court. Yeah. but remember, she starts on like any good movie gives us stakes, right? She starts off as the very best in this activity. What have been in that? Yeah. And she proves that by being like, there's a dash cam video of this guy driving 105 miles an hour on a residential street. And apparently there's another side to this case, like somebody else was arguing like, yeah,

but do where do we draw the bright line on the hundred miles? No, I don't understand what the other argument would have been, but she's presenting that and the judge is like, oh, we're playing with data now, huh? Okay. Great. Let's just use data and that see, I don't know, the movie guy very confused because Rachel's a good guy, but she was arguing for data. They don't know what's happening. Yeah, it was very upsetting. So now we cut over to

main character and his parents interviewing to see if they want to go to Patrick Henry. And one of the snitches from a doctor, Suspo, appears to be the head of this school. He opens up by saying, we believe in reason because we believe in God. Yeah. We don't. And he says, we don't limit our facts to natural reality. We're all about supernatural facts too. Yeah. We're all about supernatural facts too. Yeah. We're all about alternative facts as well. The literal quote is this, we want to know all the facts and all the supernatural facts.

I just wrote in my notes, so the not facts as well as the facts. And this is where mom issues her challenge. She will pay for his first year of Patrick Davis Jr. whatever the fuck it's called high school for Neopatric Harris. Neopatric Harris College, yep. But he has to win the American Moot Court Christian championship. Otherwise, they will not pay for his second year of college. And those are the fucking steaks of this movie. Yup. And we get a fun physical bit there.

Mom, like, writes out the two checks for like year one, and she's like, all right, I'm giving you a year one. And then she writes out the check for year two. And she starts to hand it to him. She's like, I'll pay for the second year of tuition. Try to grab the check now. Please grab the check now. Try to hand it to him. She's like, I'll pay for the second year of tuition. Try to grab the check now. Please grab the check now.

Try to grab it. Try to grab it. If, and she pulls it back. If you win the Moot Court Championship, it's so dumb. They miss the timing on there. It feels like one of the actors is always like still buffering in a bunch of different moments in this movie And then they catch up to each other. I mean judging by the protagonist

Physical skills at sports that we will see later on like that may have been the best take out of like a hundred and eighteen very likely Yeah, I mean his hand-eye coordination is is not great no, so And can I can we talk about one other detail of this scene? It's very small, but the, remember that chalkboard they got in their kitchen for, normally for passive aggressive Latin fights between, you know, evil Jewish atheist mom and Christian dad. This time it's erased, and there's a shopping list for what they need at the supermarket.

They need flour, cereal, carrots, apples, oatmeal, and sugar because they are horses. Absolutely. If I can eat 100, I don't know. Horses. Boss Fates, soda, like what it's weird. Yeah. All right. So now it's time to head over to Patrick Henry

College. We get a little montage in the campus here. He, he want to tell us about the first shot of this montage. Mother. Okay. They start with a volleyball scene and is this, it is so rough. This is the worst moment of volleyball. I could possibly imagine and they kept it, which again, just like Andrew said before, this was the best volleyball shot they got. Yes. So like, that's, and it's one of those moments where like somebody who's uncoordinated is trying to, you know, hit a physical object with their hands slash arms, but they don't have any of the timing to make that physically possible. So it's this person like winding up. Okay, you know, you know, in baseball, when somebody like wildly swings and misses too early

in a change up because they're like five minutes ahead of the pitch and they like drill themselves into the ground, it's like that for a volleyball swing at a volleyball. And the person just like bends down and torques their whole body. Big swing does not make contact clearly hurts themselves non-contact entry. It's amazing. I wanted the whole montage to be like this, like the girl missing the volleyball, a guy getting crushed by a shelf in the library. Another guy's just like on the toilet. Oh, I got food poisoning from the cafeteria, Patrick Henry College. We're legally allowed to use the word college. So it's the first day of moot court coach, but Michael fair to start doctor Michael Ferris.

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. We get we get our first in depth interview with Dr. Michael Ferris, who delivers his lines with the wooden conviction that led him to a 10 point loss when he ran for Lieutenant governor of Virginia a decade ago. And by the way, in a red wave year, right? Like, yeah, God, should he use some black face, man? Yeah, right.

I mean, the bar is not high to be elected lieutenant governor in Virginia, but he just didn't have the stuff. Yeah. And so we learned that this year's subject is going to be row versus weight. So I'm not going to lie, I went down a little American College of Moot Court or whatever this fucking fake competition is thing and what I realized from looking at like the records and the stuff on their Wix website is Every single year the American totally not fake competition of moot court has one of the court cases that Christians have famously lost and Then they parade their 11 home school kids in front famously lost and then they parade their 11 homeschool kids

in front of it. And then adults, most of whom aren't even lawyers let alone judges go like, well, I sure have changed my mind on the 14th amendment. So again, it's not like this is a new thing. They do like Rovers is way it is there the fucking free bird. But yeah, this year the challenge for moot court is going to be to re decide rovers is way. So, so in your actual research, did you find out like, because the thing that drove me, I was going to say the most level of crazy, but it's all an infinite way tie for the most level of crazy.

The movie seems to think that when you do boot court or debate or whatever, you get to like pick the side you believe in and only do that, which of course misunderstands the whole fucking point of the activity, right? Like you have to debate both sides, but like these assholes are, no, they're just like, oh, nope, obviously, Khan, who shows up for pro, right? Like, let's practice flipping coins.

You get heads every time, right? We'll just practice that a lot. So it appears that everyone just shows up and argues against row versus weight and it's competition. Oh, God. Yeah. That's why it's a moot court, because there's no other side.

Because the point is moot. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And just a little shout out. So yeah, they're about to talk about it. So main character is not sure if you can overturn Roe versus Wade in this literal quote liberal wasteland. And oh, we can do it. Blah, blah, blah, character who's very spiritual. Sure. Look, I am a fat man who used to be a fat boy who's very sweet mother thought that bright patterns and stripes were a good idea.

I live. I almost certainly own of his shirt. Like, because this kid, he's like third from the back. He's just an extra. He went to a tailor and he was like, one word, my dude, Funkadelic. And then he walked out, came back a week later, saw what they made, lit it on fire and was like,

Hey, hey, hey, maybe you didn't hear me when I said motherfucking Funkadelic. He's wearing a 1980s Coke binge. The shirt. Oh, it's amazing. Just stripes of crazy, crazy bright. I wanted somebody to start playing a shirt like Simon, like that's it just like that green pink, like it's so busy. It's so loud. It's amazing. Yeah, but they never address it. But well, I think this is, I think this is intentional because as you have alluded to, this movie never gives anybody a name, right? Like because we're unlike blastocyst, we're not supposed to think of them as people, right?

Like they're just cardboard cutouts out to deliver their lines that, you know, are meant to set up the sides of the abortion debate. So, I mean, I think you're just, if you, if people didn't have the crazy colored shirt, you'd be like, who's that again? He's, oh, yeah, well, you know, no one has a name. Yep, bear. And by the way, when you say set up the sides of the abortion debate, that's, we're going to get the stakes of the movie here for the first time. The sides of the abortion debate are no and no minus 0.000 bar one. I think is basically what they're going for.

And main character, Caleb, wants to like win the moot court thing so he can go to college again next year. So he wants to take the like easy route, which is, you know, don't overturn Roe v Wade, but this one exception where you shouldn't be allowed to have an abortion. And the example is it's parental notification, right? That's like, yeah. The crux of this one. So like he's saying, yeah, well, you know, parents of a 15-year-old should like he's saying, yeah, well, you know, parents of a 15 year old should have to be told when that's about to happen. And main character Rachel, who is, you know, hard to gold, wants to go all the way and just

overturn Roe v. Wade. So that is the entire takes this movie. That's what we're going with. At this breaks down, right? So it's Michael Ferris and the entire and Rachel and the entire team are all on the like, oh, the topic is abortion. Obviously we should go in and scream that Roe v. Wade should be overturned. All of those people against our protect, Caleb, you said his name is Caleb, whatever the

hell, it doesn't matter. I think it's Caleb. He's the only one on the other side going, maybe we should acknowledge that the precedent exists, but just got the hell out of it. So basically like this mirrors the debate that Neil Gorsuch and and and uh, uh, Chief Justice Roberts are having literally right at this moment. Oh, I was. This movie was made in 2009 as like a fantasy for these idiots.

And now it's God damn real. And now it's happening in the Supreme Court Chambers. Yeah, literally right now. The only thing you need to remember from this scene is that they're gonna try to overturn Roe versus Wade and that Caleb and Rachel are partners. Ooh. So now we cut over to mom's super fancy law firm, not a library. You're the one who's a liar. fancy law firm, not a library, you're the one who's a liar. Um, where Caleb is an intern, um, and like all interns, he's been given a case to solve. He's been giving a cardboard box to carry, which is a, that's the same as a lawyer casing law, right?

Andrew? I, cardboard box. Like giving the intern a cardboard box is probably a step more responsibility than legal interns actually get. But no, we'll find out that he's like drafting in a rocket, or he's interviewing witnesses. Like it's everything about this would be professional malpractice. If this film weren't written by, you know, 10-year-olds who when you ask them what they want to do when they grow up are like, well, either a lawyer or a spaceman. I want to be Jefferson Beauregard Sessions the turn.

Yeah. You're going to, Ken, you're in. Also weird. I don't know if it was intended as a snub or something, but obviously I paused the screen to look at the diplomas on the back wall to see where, you know, evil atheist mom went to law school turns out Gonzaga. So I don't know why I don't know why that's a little work for you so much, but yeah, hot burn and good zag. All right.

So yeah, he's doing the like, I'm going to do this case for your mom. Don't worry about it. By the way, she's reading a book. Just a little note. She's reading the international law on the rights of the child. Yeah, right. Actually, actually you end treaty. I mean, not likely to be on your desk in a law firm, but you know who knows? Chicken soup for the abortionist soul. Yeah, she's reading some books. She also have, in a second, we're going to see Caleb and Rachel doing their like study and for

the moot court. And a book that they have is the Kato handbook for Congress. That's the Kato Institute, the libertarian think tank. So they're, they're going to make a strong libertarian anti choice argument together. Clevver. Yeah, the baby's not being detained. Yeah. So they're working on their thing. And what we learn in this scene is that mom is actually representing abortionists in the abortion court of abortion area. So she's not telling that the stakes are supposed to be that moms take in a case without getting her husband's goddamn permission. And so she's sneaking around like Lucy and Ethel and the chocolate fucking factory.

Yeah. And, and, and by the way, she's the bad guy at all. She is a bad guy. Yes. Yeah. For, for doing her doing her job competently. Yeah. So now it's time for an office party.

And let's just say there are nearly 12 people at this high end law firms quote unquote party. In fairness, I have been to law firm parties that are sadder than this. You know what I drew? I'm going to push back parties that are sadder than this you know what i do i'm gonna push back on that know you haven't have you ever arrived on a porch where the party's happening and the entire party of eight people have evenly spread out on the opposite side of the porch to face you yeah there there i the parties tend not to be like no hey, hey, wait, you can't

say anything here else. You're going to have to join SAG and it's a whole yet. But because mom is at this fancy law firm party, she misses date night with her husband. He cooked and everything. Dad serving the empty plates at home. He sets them out so that he could cry. And then he has this like huge coffee mug. And if that is not a mug full of scotch, I will eat my hat like. Well, according to their shopping list, he made him carrots, apples and oatmeal. And that's a mug full of sugar or whatever else is on that list. Yeah, that's all they have deep, deep fried carrots in mush. Like that's a perfectly valid.

I mean, that, that sounds pretty. Apple garnish, yeah. But yeah, he's mad because that stuff's just all cold and he's, she's out all night murdering babies and sucking dicks on the porch of law parties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she comes home and he's huffy and then they all, they have this really weird scene. So here's what they're trying to establish.

Rachel's gonna come over and meet the parents. Mom doesn't have time for a date night. But because the idea of two scenes, they were like, Jesus, we'd have to pause and then press record twice. They have those two scenes simultaneously. So he's like, can we have a date night on Thursday? And she's like, no, I'm busy. And he's like, Rachel's coming over Thursday and she goes, I'll be there. And then they all pause because they realize how insane that is. And then the scene fades out. What did we all just

say? Let's all go over what we said again. That was crazy. And you aligned it over the crazy your sentence, right? Which is, she comes back and says, she can't tell her husband that she's working on an abortion case for the abortionist, right? So she's like, I'm working on a Supreme Court case, which, which look like that's a moment if you're a lawyer in which you should come home and like celebrate with your spouse, right? Like that's a pretty big draft. That's a huge deal. So that's just like she delivers for me, what was the best laugh line of this entire movie. So for the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be kind of busy.

To these right. Yeah, I'll prepare for the Supreme. Oh, yeah, you knocked that one out just in a, oh my god. That, hey, you can take almost a month to get ready for the Supreme Court. I will not be able to watch Netflix with you tonight. You need to save that episode till tomorrow. Don't be a dick. Don't want to scream court. So now Rachel is doing what, what all first dates do? She's at his house baking Caleb a pie, which means that their date was that he invited her over to bake for him. Right. And like four hours early, too.

I mean, like, you'd think baking is the thing that the Christian movie could get right. Nope. Nope. And mom shows up and she's like, what the fuck is happening? Hello, girl I've never met. I guess you were here hours ago making a pie from scratch at my house. That's weird. I'm mom, I haven't been named yet.

I'm Judith. Yeah, what's your name? And they meet also, did this bother you? The giant head streamer that what her name was wearing this whole time, Rachel has a written, enormous, like she's trying to create drag to slower head down at the falls from the atmosphere. Sorry, my, my head falls out of airplanes sometimes. I just never, you never know when you want to be ready. And she also, she does that weird culty thing where she calls the adult sir and ma'am in this scene. We're gonna revisit in about six seconds, but

but I just wanted to point out that's weird. So mom says, oh okay Rachel, do you bake often to which Rachel replies, my mom is dead. What? A little light banter. Yeah. My mom's dead. She got aborted. So I took over the baking. I don't want to talk about my mom. Right.

So they're all eating dinner and they're doing this small talk. And again, this is where we get the weird, sir and man thing. And Judas says, you can just call me Judas. And then dad says, I like it that you call me, sir. And there is a 45 minute pause. Yeah, I mean, I have seen this porn before. Like Rachel and dad are totally gonna fuck the second mom leaves the room. Yeah. And mom's gonna come back in like 10 minutes later, right?

And then Ted Cruz is gonna retweet it. I get it. Yeah. Am I gonna pay for this apple pie? Yeah. So either way, the fact that her mom is dead and that she calls adults weird BDSM terminology means that Judith offers Rachel an internship at her Supreme Court arguing law firm. You know,

you can just hand out internships at your Supreme Court arguing law firm. She does one of those. Yeah. Anyway, so now dad and mom are fighting again. Everyone leaves. And they're fighting again because dad thinks that Judith is only hiring her for her sweet pie making skill. And Caleb Warren's Rachel here, he's like, trust me, you're going to hate the law firm. It makes you a bad wife slash mother. And then then we get what I think the like infants who made this film think is supposed to be a montage, right? Of an interning montage. I didn't turn my to okay.

So first, lesson number one, homeschool kids, it's not a montage unless it's set to survivor, okay? Lesson number two, when you're, when in the middle of your montage, an obvious lesbian checks out your main characters asked for like 37 seconds and then, thank you. Thank you. Maybe cut that out.

I don't know. They missed a few of those. They also missed when they did a shot of the campus earlier. They missed a very clear lesbian couple doing the walk of shame into their dorm, which I very much enjoyed too. They do not know what that is. Yeah. So she does her little montage, moving paper, pouring coffee. And again, as Andrew said, having her ass checked out by the office lesbian for a full on screen minute, then we sort of doodly do out of that. And the file that Caleb was handed before, she's going to organize for him. Organize.

Right. Do alphabetically, thematically. Like, you, you, that's how it works, right? Or biographically, I don't know. If you get an alphabetical, you win the case, though. That's the box, that's the job, right? Yeah, if you do that and you memorize all the code numbers in the right order, we'll get to that later.

She says, and this is where he asks her on a date. And she says not until we're married. Literally. Okay. So I watched this movie twice because I was like, I don't pay attention the first time. The one of the subplots of this movie is that this girl cannot date right alone in a vehicle with or hold the hand of someone she is not going to marry. Now look, I have a hunch the three of us are unprepared to answer the following question, but if you are not willing to date someone, how do you choose who you marry in this strange song? I believe your father chooses who you marry. Okay.

And the movie will confirm that at the end if I remember correctly. Yep. I think you are not selling the way in which this line was delivered because I actually like perked up here because Caleb says, hey, you want to go out on a date and Rachel's response is, well, this is going to sound weird. And like 100% of the time, I mean, that means you're into some kinky

shit. Yeah. Yeah. Not not Rachel. This is going not mother told me that I can't ride alone with women. So same for you. The whore you know, I'm Mike Pence. I'm vice president. So she spends 30 seconds telling him about how fun it would be to only try one flavor of ice cream forever, but not actually try it before you commit to just, you know, look at it from afar and then have that ice cream's dad commit you to that.

Who the fuck knows? Anyway, she pitches their weird Christian misogyny form. And now we cut to them having another conversation because this movie is made by demons from hell who want to torture Andrew Torres. But the conversation they're having now is that they're pretty sure they can actually overturn Roe versus Wade with their fucking mood court trial. Yep. Also this, we get another shot of the baseball that's constantly being carried around.

You already, but the whole, I couldn't concentrate because I was just like, please try to another shot of the baseball that's constantly being carried around. You are ready. But the whole I couldn't concentrate because I was just like, please try to do one physical thing with that baseball. I know you're going to hit yourself in the eye somehow. It's going to be the best. But no, no, they never really do. He just holds it for several scenes. That's it.

We also get a little banter here. See she writes all of her legal arguments on a legal pad. That's why it's called the legal pad, silly. And he uses a fancy computer. And the only reason I point this out one is just fucking terrifying and insane. But the second is his line delivery when he tells her that she should use a computer is, it is the 21st century. It's the 20, fuck, does it go up or down from the number? No. The 20, the 20 first. I'm going to watch that logo at the beginning of the 20th century Fox movie.

There is the 21st century. There we go. 21st century. There we go. Well, and you're dressed for fucking Amish Sackhop. Rachel, I don't know what's happening. Oh, my God, I have 11 pages of notes about this pink shirt. Like, like, it's, so it shows back up in like five more scenes because the movie doesn't

have secular concepts like a wardrobe budget or continuity editor or script writer or anything like that. Oh my, this is too right movies. Because the last line was Caleb looks into her eyes and it's like, you look awesome and purple. And then they cut away. And it's like in pink, not so much. Yeah. So again, this is the same argument that they had in the last scene, except now they have it one on one. He wants to go for the exception to Rovers' Wade. She wants to go to overturn Rovers' Wade. And this is where they come up with their first argument against Rovers' Wade, which is, you know how parental rights are fundamental rights? Oh, like a mom's right to not die. Life, liberty and the pursuit of mommy and me daycare. Nothing in this movie will ever approach an argument, right?

Like it will occasionally sidle up alongside and wave at an argument while it goes past. But like there is nothing ever said by any of the characters that in that like follows a syllogistic form or reaches a conclusion. It's yeah. No, we are we are free of those things when it comes to this movie. Um, and there's only one other thing I want to touch on the scene before we move on. My favorite line in the film, even better than it's the 21st century, which is when Rachel is trying to convince Caleb to try to overturn Roevers' way. She instructs him to go for the jugular. Wow. Go for the umbilical cord. What? It's just such a brutal. She's like, no, we really have to try this thing. And he's like, I think the exception will work. And she's like, slay our enemies, liquid death,

grunting them by liquid death. Comfo, it's flash awful. Come on, Johnny. All my notes are just sweep the leg, Johnny. I will destroy you. I will break you. Yippee, kay, motherfucker. They're just running through all of the ones that they could get through. Are you not entertained? That's weird. Okay. So now it's time to cut over to Mom's law firm again. Again, high powered law firm where her boss

is feeding her a cupcake. Andrew is this girl. Oh god, this is upsetting. The boss of this law firm walks right up to mom and is like, hey, try this dick-shaped pastry covered in gum that I had. I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

You just bring your mouth in and bite. It's so gross. It's 245 minutes seen of two adults who are both very conservative Christians stuffing pastries into each other's mouth. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, I mean, don't take legal advice from this podcast or anything but like if you run a business, maybe don't try and cram frosting into your female employees mouth. The reason why you have a very specific type of business where that's appropriate. Yeah, that even that

even though you know, even then don't even then don't good point someone who's got frosting eaters.com like slowly takes out her earbuds, you know, man, I'm a fucking five dollar patron. And those assholes just going to go out there. I was going to be a sponsor. I'm not voting for Bernie Sanders either. There you go. The reason this exists is that mom Judith wants to induct Rachel into abortionism.

Or less realistically, she wants Rachel the intern to help her out with her Supreme Court abortion case. Yeah. Like she needs to know the like pro-life playbook and Rachel is the only ones who have to explain what those arguments might be. Yeah. To this lawyer who's about to address the Supreme Court. You know what you can't find in society these days? People willing to articulate the pro-life argument. It's difficult. It's hard to find, especially when you're arguing that case

of the Supreme Court level. I'm sure you're not hearing from anybody with those opinions. Right. And the way she reassures, she's trying to reassure Rachel that, you know, she's just preparing, she says, well, you wouldn't have to argue the abortion side. And you're like, yeah, you know why? Because you're not a fucking lawyer. You don't get to argue anything. You get to go get coffee, okay? Yeah, barely.

Sometimes you don't get to get coffee. Now Starbucks delivers in a lot of metropolitan cities. Interns are being phased out by the second. Yeah. So Rachel, so Rachel says no, though, moral grounds, she's not going to help. And then mom is like, oh, you, you prefer to choose. No, interesting, interesting. What are their choices?

Do you like? Let's all name the choices that we enjoy as people as women. These burns are so amazing. The movie never acknowledges them. She's just like, oh yeah, no Rachel, that's your choice. It would be weird for me to take that choice away from you, wouldn't it? Right? Even if I was like really passionate about my beliefs and we disagreed on the physical reality, like my giving you that joy on your crying, you crying? Oh, okay. Ooh, double snott, double snott right over the front.

Well, the way I get it. Okay, yeah, drink it. But just as they're going through that stuff, you full of frosting boss comes in and he says, guys, this seems been going on too long. We need to move this exact same scene over to my sad 12 person porch party. So they do. They starwiped to a fucking porch party. Yeah. And at one point at the porch party, it's supposed to be, again, they're trying

to be like, yeah, this is a real important law firm. That was again, just to be clear, not a library where our office is. So two of the eight people on this porch right now are an ambassador and Washington's number one ranked lobbyist. I'll need you to help me talk to them. Judith. I look, I get that the toddlers who finger painted the script, like just picked big, wordy sounding things to have the lawyers say, but like actual adults delivered that line, right? Like the, the, the ambassador they cut over right he's talking about is she gonna take up the case involving gun control to the Supreme Like is he the ambassador from gun landia? Mother fucker. I represent a group of sovereign citizens. I like to call myself their ambassador all lowercase. You can't arrest me.

Thank you for inviting me to your porch by the way. It's fine. I shake hands with you, but I'm holding a loose burger and in both hands, actually, I've got to have these are, it's those, well, you this is a normal thing to do on the porch at a party, right? You had to have burgers. Just a party thing. And undercooked burger and a handful of unpasturized milk. But yeah, we cut over to dad again at home and the dark mad because mom is at work. Yeah. And dad's spooning out nothing from an empty pot for five minutes. We're just like, I can hear it. Click, click, there's nothing in there. You're making it so much worse.

Oh, and now it's time, gentlemen, are you ready? Because now it is time for the bad engages. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh God. Look, fuck the dialogue of this scene. The dialogue of this scene is, let's throw out the weakest possible pro-life arguments we can

and then ignore even the most basic questions that might have them. What this actually is is them editing around the fact that they put the quarter in the batting machine. It fired a baseball at batting machine speed. They both wept scream and so there will be not a single pitch throne in this batting cage. No, no, no, no, no, no.

They will play soft toss at the batting cage. So just to be clear, that's where one person like sits on a bucket off to the side by a little bit and lobs a ball, you know, three feet in front of them with a little bit of arc and the other person hits it. It's like, it is actually a hitting warm up drill you might do as a baseball

player, but it's the easiest possible thing. And it's not what you do at a batting cage because what this means is they showed up at a business called a batting cage with their own bucket of actual baseballs to do soft-toss in one of the cages where you're supposed to put in money and pay for not actual baseballs, but balls that are that size that fit into the machinery of a batting cage and are able to be like ran down a little line and fired through this machine. It's the yellow, yellow practice balls, but you, you have admitted what is by far the most egregious problem with the scene, which is it's the teenage son Caleb, who is doing the side toss to his 45 year old dad who by the way is late on

every single page. He's late. He is grounding out in soft. Yeah. We legally the other way. He might as well be hitting them over hands. He's going opposite field. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Going inside out, Giterian swing there. He's going for a Texas leaguer over the second basement in soft toss. Okay. Relax. Yeah. So they decide that babies become alive at conception and are fully adult voters who is little baby drivers licenses you should just shoot up into a woman's coach. And then it's time for

a mandolin guitar jam slash montage of him playing touch football while he plays music to himself playing touch. Yeah, it feels like they actually shot this whole thing in order with like the duet in little pieces of them between them again, it's them doing the duet and then it's them like frallicking whatever the fuck they were doing with that football, I don't know. Frallicking is the only verb I could think of that would make sense for them. There's a football and frallicking next to each other. And this scene is 11 minutes long of the Mandolin guitar. Do I like? Oh, absolutely. It is infinite. And again, just to be clear, in case I haven't communicated to you podcast listener, what's happening? He is playing music for a montage that he is in. So they are accompanying themselves

in their own montage, in a montage of them playing music for this montage. And the music is still the spaghetti who's western that he identified for the intro, right? Like it doesn't get even there's no Sammy Hagar here, right? One in the end would to walk over and just be like, you kids are fucking freaks. Can I just tell you that? Like learn some cinema craft. You weird me out. Anyway, so now it's time for a scene starring a noisy barrel of potato chips.

Now, I'll tell you a podcast, Lizard. We're going to tell you what happened in the scene, but only because we watched it a hundred times because dad will spend it using a barrel, like a pretzel barrel full of potato chips as a Maraca every time he or anyone else speaks. Oh, that is dad's like baseball security blanket thing was this industrial vat of chips in real life that he would not put down 100% that to let him use that in the least one scene. Got to have my chips. Yep, you said that.

Orklift. You got to bring the fork. Yes. Yep. Okay. Got to work chips and forklift fork? Yes. Yep. Okay. Got to work chips and a fork lift into scene here. Yeah. But yeah, so that the purpose of this scene is Caleb is going to tell his dad that he's

trying to ask Rachel out, but you know, she just won't go on a date until they get married and dad's first line again, transporting me to the porn that I have going on in my head that runs, uh, uh, parallel to this movie is, you need to invite Rachel over because, quote, I want some more of that pie. They're going to fuck a pie together. Absolutely. I'm going to fuck her by one of the way. I'm going to watch it.

But he also compares going on a date to the movies to loaning someone ten thousand dollars and is though that we're in a stupid enough metaphor the point of that metaphor is you know when you loan someone ten thousand dollars you want to know that they're going to pay it back yeah pa that's what's going on a date is like you want to know that they're going to pay it back.

What? So it's, when I ask her, can you coast on from a date then? I don't understand. Sun? I was hoping you'd ask that. So Caleb is convinced that dating is like a small mortgage. And they have the throwing rocks at the window scene here, but again, Christians don't that dating is like a small mortgage, any. And they have the throwing rocks at the window scene here,

but again, Christians don't know anything about love or romance and they've never watched it. They just know that like rock-thringing is, trust me, rock-throwing at windows, it's in movies. So he throws rocks at her windows and she comes to the window and he goes, hey, if I ever ask you out, I'm gonna mean it. And she's like, okay, bye.

Okay. And then he leaves because you're doing, call my cellular phone. What a huge this. Yeah, 2009 to be accurate. Yeah, yeah. They have, but believe me, those Motorola StarTac phones have a supporting cast credit in this film.

So yeah, they know of the existence of cell phone. Yep. And so now it's time to set up his cousin Vinnie moment. Now this is shot so terribly and insanely that if we describe it to you as is the format of God Awful Movies, seen by scene, you the listener will hang yourself using your AirPods. So I'm gonna give you the podcast listener

the scoop on what's happening. Do you remember that case that mom gave him at the beginning? No, neither do I. Well, that case from the beginning, they now have been given a surprise witness. But Caleb, the intern, is the only one who knows that the surprise witness who will turn out to be the sheriff is lying. However, he's not there at the fake deposition of the surprise witness who is the sheriff. He is that weird fake university founder guy's house getting a pep talk. I that is one. I just want to just podcast listeners. I heal. I and I have some great banter back and forth. And he says wacky stuff

about things he'd like to do to John Bene Ramsey. What he just described is 100% word for word, what actually happened in this actual fucking movie. So if you want to know why my spinal cord sprouted my brain, that would be why. Yeah. The notes for this scene are just like, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The senior partner, who by the way, like I think his name is Mitch,

like it's a weird thing. Like, so Mitch is talking to, you know, bitch mom lawyer lady and it's like, so okay, the witness is here. You've got to go in and depose him and she's like, pff, Caleb is the only one who knows anything about this witness. Yeah, like, you know what, he isn't a great excuse to the senior partner at your law firm.

Like, oh, I gave my college son that assignment and he's not here. Like, he's not. He's the, I really let my son who is the intern handle this case. I'm all out of fucks boss. Sorry. Thank you. I'm a Supreme Court lawyer. And I want to talk about this conversation with Michael Ferris, not because of what they say, because they have the exact same conversation everyone's been having

throughout this movie. But because we get a look at the inside of Michael Ferris's home, and I could dedicate an entire other 209 episode multi year podcast to the things in Michael Ferris's home. Andrew walk us through it. So I'm not going to talk about the decor which is amazing. I'm going to talk about the silver tray sitting out on the coffee table that has 11 different bottles of cough medicine on it. So, so again, Michael Ferris is playing Michael Ferris in this movie. So, for purposes of this fictional movie only, please don't sue us, I'm saying there is zero chance that Michael Ferris is not cooking meth in his basement. Or offers guests cough syrup when they come into his home.

Shut up like not just shut up, Tussin. Not just Tussin though, like, oh, I've got some top shelf stuff. I got some like 12 year Tussin. I got some batch stuff. Yeah, it's absurd. Do you want some original night well? I've got green and orange. I'm even got cherry.

I don't know if you remember when they did cherry, but they've got it. Oh, did they do cherry? Yeah, can I pour you a glass? I would love a glass. Honestly, I'm going to be super honest right now. A more enjoyable viewing experience than this movie would be watching these two actors drink full glasses. If they had each poured a hefty decanter of cough syrup and drank it with open eyes. No, stop. It would have been the most pleasant viewing experience of this film. Get the get the bouquet, right? This is the DM. So you're going to feel like they're trying to spit it into a spit bucket

like a wine tasting cough syrup. So just learning terrible variables. Like the sideways. Yeah. What are you getting there? Notes of cough syrup. Plastic. Getting notes of Merlot, actually, that's weird. That's crazy. But yeah, he finishes his pep talk. And

again, his pep talk is literally just like, you should try to overturn Roe versus Wade. He finishes his pep talk. He runs into the law firm and he finishes his pep talk and again his pep talk is literally just like you should try to overturn rovers this way he finishes his pep talk he runs into the law firm and he has his cousin Vinnie moment and again listener, I can only express to you my condolences and sadness that you cannot watch Andrews notes to evolve into confusion and then fear and then acceptance throughout this quote unquote, deposition. Oh, yeah.

No, this is that this someday photographs of my notes will be used in the Kubla Ross scale. Oh, Christ. Yeah. So, so Caleb, the intern goes in, reveals that the, that the sheriff has fabricated the search warrant by the incredibly sophisticated technique of noting that the dates don't match. That's exposing that the two lawyers. And by the way, these two lawyers were deaf. I mean, like they, they clearly put out a casting call for greasy Jew, right? Oh, very much so.

I can't. Okay. When they were all planning this movie and they were like, and I'm sorry, but we have to use the fact that Michael looks Jewish. And Michael was like, come on, guys. And they were like, Michael, Michael, you look Jewish. And he was like, I do, I do. I do look Jewish.

I look Jewish. We got like, I do, I do. I do look Jewish. I look Jewish. We got to use our strengths. Yeah. And so Caleb humiliates the two associates who encouraged the sheriff to lie at this law firm that does abortion. All I know is this, right? Like the senior partner is like hopping mad and is like, and you two, you know, you stick around because, you know, you're about to be fired up. But like, seriously,

and I'm 100% not, not kidding about this. If you're the senior partner at a law firm, and your associates are fabricating documents, like, dude, that's kind of on you, right? Like you're, I'm not, that's not a joke. Like you're responsible for what they do. They're associates. He goes over to the next room and they're like bagging up cocaine. Man, you take one summer off and this law firm has really got shit. But for some reason, this scene, this like him being a good prosecutor of his own side in a practice deposition with someone who's their own mother fucking witness, convinces Rachel that he really does have the power to do it. And he has to take on Rovers' weight. And he's like, no, I don't know if I can do it

because I want to go back to law school. And she's like, you got to go for the job. Wait, that was the last scene. And if I don't win the mood court case, I'll die. And she's like, we're gonna win. And he's like, I'll think about it. God. And that is the end of the goddamn scene. Yeah. So that's that scene. And it was fun. We learned that Caleb had the super power of magical question asker inside of him this whole time. Before we find out, if he learns to use that power in act three, let me give act three, the hard sell kind of trapped by how stupid the movie is. Will Patrick Henry College win the go bots, Mr. Pib Jr. Varsity D league moot court championship.

That's the entire hard sell and act. Find out the answer to that question and absolutely nothing else. When we return for the unviable outside the script conclusion of, come what may. And the answer is no. Yep. In conclusion, as Jesus said, never get an abortion because that's a baby.

The end. So what do you think, Mr. Torres? That was awful. Oh, look, I want to be clear here. I'm being literal. I am in awe of how bad that was. The sheer lack of understanding you have of the law, of reason, of logic, hell, of the English language has reduced me to a childlike state of wonder.

Everything I know, everything I ever thought I knew has been blasted to the wind you You are a reverse sunset and you make me ashamed to be human So Better. Oh, yeah, oh, way better. I mean I didn't even vomit this time, right? And we're back When we left off to very creepy, come leaking vol cells were at law. That's voluntary celibates. And they were fighting over the best way to be wrong about women's rights. And now they're doing more of that same thing back at Caleb's house.

Yep. They're fighting and he's literally proposing to her so that she will go on a date with him. Yep. He's like, yep, this pie you made. Now two of them, this is really good marry me. That's the plot. That's the real plot of a movie. But she says no, to be clear, she says no, she says, look, if I'm going to be a good wife, you need to be a good husband. Right. And him being a good husband means trying to overturn Rovers' weight in their fake moot court suggestion. Means, means the only argument you can make is to scream, abortion is baby murder over and over and over again.

Yep. She will acquiesce to God's decision to put them together as partners and therefore also partners in life, not just in moot court. That was God's idea, even though she didn't really like him. But if he's willing to acquiesce to this better angle in her opinion for moot court, But if he's willing to acquiesce to this better angle in her opinion for moot court, she'll marry him. I believe that's what's happening. She will marry him if the acquiesce is to her approach to this moot court competition. Also, this is where she lets us know that she literally will not hold hands with someone until they get married.

And again, I just want to point out that's terrifying. That's just so, the fact that that is an underpinning of this horrible movie is terrifying. There might as well be black holes opening up and just sucking extras into the ether throughout this movie levels of terrifying. Yep. And this is where they kind of do that like trick her. I think what's her name again Rachel and dad. Rachel and dad have a certain going and Rachel Rachel and Sir Mr. have a trick going that we don't quite know about we're about to have that revealed to us. They're going to trick Caleb into her opinion on going for the jugular at the moot

court debate, right? That's the little ruse they set up here. Yeah. Cause dad, he gets his bit fly textbook published and he's like, oh, I can't publish it because even though it's the right thing to do, what if I don't get the college experience I wanted? And Caleb's like, you got to do the right thing no matter what.

And then dad and Rachel point, they like double finger guns at him for a solid minute. And he's like, oh, you think that's a point about the moot court thing. You got me. You got, you ever have a toddler play a prank on you like they run up and they're like, I said, your head was a berry But it's not as banana and you've got to be like what that is how Caleb reacts to this got you from and that's how he that's how he reacts Within the context of the movie but like from a filmmaking perspective

Nobody told them that in order for this scene to work as cinema, you as the audience have to be able to recognize intentional bad acting in this cast. So yeah, that was zero chance this was ever going to work. It's a mystery. And so now it's time for them to practice a little bit more. Oh God and we have what I based on his notes Andrew's least favorite scene Yeah, Andrew question for you. So they're practicing the you know getting ready for their moot court thing

Do you need their their practicing memorizing the code numbers to site past cases. Do you need to do that? Is that how that works according to the law? So I don't know what happens in make believe pretend fake court, right? Like in real court, because what do you do? Let me be 100% clear about this. What they are doing is she is Rachel is reading out case names, right? Like Griswald v. Connecticut Pierce v. Society of Sisters.

And he's got to come back and give you the volume and page number, right? So he's got to say 368 US 195. And that's what they think is the secret technique to winning boot court, Supreme court cases. So, okay, if a lawyer, for example, just off top, man, let's say a lawyer mentions Brown versus the Board of Education in a case and then gets that code number wrong. Are we, are we back to separate, but equal for the rest of Education in a case, and then gets that code number wrong. Are we, are we back to separate, but equal to the rest of that trial? And, and in particular, look like it, it lawyers agonize over getting the citation form exactly correct in the brief. So, you know, whatever on that, but this is about the oral argument. And at the oral argument, you

would just say, as this court held in brown, because you know who doesn't need to get the citation for Brown versus Board of Education, the Supreme Court, they know what Brown v. Board of Education is. That one. They might have, yeah. And it's not what education is that. Yeah. Too slow. Doesn't count. So Pika Kansas actually. But like, it's not like they're getting up and getting the reporters from the shelves. Right. Oh, you said 358. Okay, bring me that volume. Like, it, no, this has all been briefed out. And they might ask you like, okay, you know, what's your best case here? What case stands for ex-proposition? And so like, so you need to know the cases upon which you rely, but, but no, none of this.

Oh, God. Yeah. This is exactly what stupid Christian homeschoolers must think like being a lawyer is about, right? Like, it's about who can memorize, right? Like it's the same reason they're great at spelling bees, right? They're like, who can memorize the most of X? And you're like, that literally couldn't be further from what being a lawyer is about. And this is why the Alliance defending freedom is full of, you know, morons.

Anyway, I just love the idea, though though of like someone standing in front of the Supreme Court and getting a citation wrong and then being like, Oh, sorry, needs to be in the form of a question. Outstraback walks out. No. Thank you. If only if only you'd known that was 369 US, then we wouldn't we wouldn't have to take away fundamental rights from millions of people. But 14th Amendment's canceled.

Sorry. 14th Amendment. Oh, it's back. It's back. It's back. It's back. Okay. And speaking of the 14th Amendment, we come out of that quizzing montage to them proving

that their case for being pro life is supported by the 14th amendment because the baby is alive. Very confusing here. What do you think they were going for there? Like, all right, we gotta prove the baby's alive with the 14th amendment. Let's mind map it for association, go, baby, slavy, get. Dead and slave. Oh, poor deep amendment. We did it. Oh, we're there. Okay. Got it. This,

this is where they say the line life isn't determined by science. It's philosophy. And I just wrote in my notes, it is super, super determined. All the way the science part. Yep. And Caleb goes for the like, he's trying to be like profound. He's like, listen, proving it is not just a problem, proving the baby alive with the 14th amendment. It's not just a problem.

It's a solution. Nope. It's impossible. He says it's don't know. It's impossible. He says it's impossible. And then he realizes only accidentally true thing. He's managed to say in the movie. But then he contradicts it immediately. He realizes the secret is going to be to force them to believe something in court without

having to actually make them believe it in court. Andrew, there's a thing for that, right? In court. So let me take a tiny step back for it. So he says, I don't have to prove it if it's in the record, which is almost, and they say it's simultaneously, right? I mean, it's like, I expected it to doodly do out of it, right? It was, it was the crazy scripted.

In the record. Yeah, in the record slow, I was slow. Two slow. Damn it. One, two, in the record. In the record. Yeah, got it. Right.

So record. That's, it's like Michael Ferris has got a cargo cult of law school going on in his head, right? He's like a, he's like a magpie that's occasionally heard legal words and he strings them together into like sovereign citizen level nonsense. But like, so here's the thing, you can definitely confuse him with a shiny object. Yeah. Yeah. And at a pellet court, right? You, you are confined to the record, right? Like you, you, you, the facts are the facts that are established at the trial court below. So I, like, that's almost accidentally correct. But, but then of course, they, they

say, okay, it's the record. Now, let's go look through these books of cases. And you're like, oh, you God damn idiots. Oh, so the record isn't every case. It's not every case ever decided. No, no, the record is the facts decided at the trial court below, which of course have nothing to do with anything that goes on in this movie. Never minding that they're the argument they think is a clever gotcha argument is an argument so stupid that like Neil Gorsuch would take you back out to the wood shed and you know, beat you a couple of times. It's ridiculous, but yeah. They think that if they find the phrase, the baby is alive anywhere in the history of American

jurisprudence, or basically like if they're going to find like the baby is and alive separate places and put paste them all together, they would win this case. Right. That seems to be the plot. That is the day new ma of their argument and spoiler alert to make it even dumber. They will use a document cited and dismissed in row versus Wade. We'll get to it, but they will use something from rows versus Wade where the court at the time was like, come on, that's fucking stupid. What are you doing?

And then we get a little scene at the end there where there's, they've been studying so hard that they're sleeping on the same couch, not cuddling or anything, but like he's asleep on the end of the couch and she's asleep lying on the couch. And the dad comes down and is like, get the fuck off the couch. What are you doing lying on the couch? And he's like, move over to the chair. And again, this movie thinks it's like, aw, what a gentleman or what a dick slave to God. I don't know what they're going for,

but then the movie wants us to enjoy it. I had to watch this scene like four times because the volume is, you know, crazy out of control. But Caleb whispers, yes sir, to his dad when his dad taps him on the shoulder. So it is 100%. His dad going, uh, you, you cannot be on the same couch as a, as a woman like that. Yep.

Yep. And they're not touching. We talk about this in the morning. Yeah. Dude, also there's come pouring out of the ankle of your jeans. Clean yourself off. Switch gashes. Uh, and speaking of things that don't matter and are terrifying, his hard drive died.

Will this ever affect the movie? No. Is it anything you do with earlier in the movie? No. But it does have them have a cute moment where he's like, I'm gonna need a lot of Post-it notes. Which leads me to this question. Andrew, how many Post-it notes

would you say the average Supreme Court case uses? I... So, I know you were going for me to say zero there, but actually like when I have my binder of cases, I will, I will put a lot of post it notes. So I know exactly where to turn to Morgan. I want you to cut this and I want you to have Andrew has said on this episode. He is no longer welcome on this podcast. I also, Eli, I hate to correct you on the air,

but this also is an amazing checkoff's gun call back to earlier. I don't know if you remember. I don't know if you remember. You're a legal pad. Legal pad, she was like, you know, never trust technology. And then right here, she's like, I told you never to trust technology. So, I mean, the checkoff's gun was paper,

which is not very exciting, but that was a callback. And are we going to pass lightly over the fact that the alarm that goes off on his computer is the like Simpson's alarm for a bit like, no, that's in case we've gone blind. Like, it's, it is, you know, a six level siren that is apparently he bought the computer with the like warning when your hard drive crashes. The air rate siren session. Yeah. So now at the same time as this is happening,

dad discovers that mom is working on an abortion case. Oh, right. Because there's the book, right? She grabs a book about a board like, I'm just going to read this biography of Susan Smith. I think she was well within her, right? What were we to say? How many years after birth is viable? But dad finds out because he's out in the car, right? And he's got the car tuned to K W X P all exposition radio all the time. And they are literally recapping like. And so a famous prominent local lawyer is defending the evil abortionist in the Supreme Court. And get this. Her son is arguing against abortion

in moot court, you know, like they cover on the radio. That would be amazing. If Supreme Court cases, the news also told you what their That would be amazing. If Supreme Court cases, the news also told you what their kids were up to. Right? Like today, it'll be argued in front of the Supreme Court. Also his son is doing pretty well in JV football. Don't know why I would have told you that. This is a crazy way to think about the world or the news working. 73 yard reception last game. This is WKXP, all exposition all the time. Yeah. Just boofing with squee in his buddies, hanging out. Kevin on the screen. Soundboard. And so this is where we learn why mom is defending the abortionist.

She's not really an abortionist. They tried to make that movie and everyone just started screaming. They killed the original actress. It was a whole thing. No, she's fighting against parental consent because her parents forced her to get an abortion as a kid. One of those forced abortions teenagers get it's almost as if taking the

choice away from the woman who's pregnant is bad. No matter why you do. Yeah. Well, her line earlier in the movie, but yeah, even though she admits that the only reason that she's working on this case is because she was forced to abortion and she didn't want to abortion. Her husband decides he's going to go to his brother's house. It's literally the like, I'm going to mother's except with the genders reversed. And she says, like, what am I supposed to do? Quit my job as a high powered lawyer and cook for you all day. And the husband is like, yes.

And spoiler alert, that will be the end of this goddamn fucking movie. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. So now it is time for the big moot court championship. And the only thing I want to say about this moot court championship is the quotes out of context section of this montage is my favorite thing ever ever ever I would replace the the memories of my honeymoon with the exact clips of these montage things.

Um, one of them was the second amendment guarantees the right of self-defense and cut. So to be clear, this is a montage of arguments being made by almost entirely kids at Christian fundamentalist colleges like Neil Patrick Harris, you or wherever they are. And one of the kids says that this is supposed to be an argument in favor of overturning Roe v. Wade. And he's like the second amendment guarantees the right of self defense. And they got what was he going? Well, like, where was he going to go with that? A fetus with a gun. Yeah, I mean, I would think that would be the pro abortion side of the argument, right? Like, look, don't get me wrong. That fetus would murder you and everyone you cared about if he had a choice. Abortion should technically be duels if you read the bill of rights.

Also another great quote out of context from this montage, we are not Christian extremists mumble mumble cutaway. Yeah, right. So I was like, the idea that my argument is rooted entirely in religious fundamentalism cuts. Yeah. Like if your argument can't be more than three seconds long before a cut, maybe you're wrong. That's your own status. That is a great indicator that you were wrong. If you have to go rabble, rabble, rabble at the end of your sentence, you're the one in a bad position. So, so they've made it to the finals. Oh, well, well, go, go, can we, can we show how we get there, too, by the way, which is that montage has below

the, the text, right? So that, so we know what's going on. And it goes first round, second round, semi-finals, right? So that, that means right, there are 10 teams here, Max, right? Like just by comparison, like when I took Alex to Harvard, there's seven preliminary rounds and they cut to a round of 64, right? Like that's, and it takes a weekend, right? Like this was like an afternoon and you show up and you get out in time for it for a late dinner, right? Like with a number of teams that's not even a power of two, they have nothing works here. No.

But they make it to the weird odd numbered double triple elimination finals. Right. And this is where we learned that one of the judges who was a Supreme Court justice who ruled four Roe versus Wade is on the panel of judges for this moot court thing. Aaron Blair is not a Supreme Court justice. Sure the fuck is that? Could they not get the rights to name a real justice? They could name a dead guy.

It's a historical figure. You can just name that, right? It just just pretend. Oh, John Paul Stevens is a state isn't going to sue you. Rank was on that too. Rank was voted against, right? Yeah. He was one of the two. Yeah. Seven, two. Decision, by the way. So he's like, oh no, we have to try my lame exception. They're like, no, you a college kid at a 300 person

Christian college founded by Michael Fatsbender, Jr. are smarter than Supreme Court just this is. Trust your guts. Yeah. And then, and then we review that Latin thing. Remember the Latin thing from the passive aggressive chalkboard at the house. It's lemon. It's just to be served. Let the bodies fall where they may. We're the good guys. Yeah, let the bodies hit the floor. There you go. Yeah.

God. So now we're going to cut back and forth because this movie doesn't know how final speeches go. Mom and Caleb are going to do their final end of the movie, Big Horace speeches. At the same time, dissolving both speeches into utter fucking nonsense. Yeah. This will be so fun.

We'll do a cross cut montage together and we'll say maybe for it too. Should we say for ourselves? Yeah, this is definitely the like turn around the trucker hat moment of this movie. Like Caleb gets up there and he's asked the question of like, so you're saying Roe v. Wade is good law and he pauses and he looks back at Michael Ferris who who gives him the nod and mind you remember that whole montage about like how he's got to have all the citations memorized because every second counts, not apparently. No, yeah. The judge, the judge who ruled in favor of Roe v. Wade actually asks him at this point. They're like doing a little cross cut and Caleb presents a few arguments

in the judges like, so you're saying I was correct about Roe v. Wade. And then like you said, he looks back at what's his name, Dr. whatever the fuck? Yeah, Michael Ferris. He looked back at Michael Ferris forever. And the judge is like, dude, you're taking a while with like a series of nods from Michael Ferris and like your girlfriend over there. And did you want to answer?

And he finally turns back and he's like, you're worse than Hitler. Yeah, his his final like chariots of fire speeches. Maybe murder a murder. Yep. Yeah. And at one point, this is one of my favorite parts of the movie. They're doing the cross cut thing and they cut over to mom for a second, but it's like Yeah, and at one point, this is one of my favorite parts of the movie. They're doing the cross cut thing and they cut over to mom for a second, but it's like

too early for her for the actress and she says nothing. So we get one little cut and they have to just cut right back to him in their movie, which is not to be clear live streamed in their movie. They're like, and back to mom. Pass. Yeah. Back to the sun. It's like a weather report where they cut to the weather man too early and they're like,

okay, seems like we've lost the signal there. Nope. We've got mom back, sorry. It's that the moving. Maybe so happy. And then I know I teased this earlier, so I just want to point out when he's doing his big chariot's of fire speech, which again is just him shitting into his own hands and slowly spreading it down the sides of his face and into his ears.

Yeah, the evidence, remember he was looking for the evidence that the baby is alive is from Rovers' Wade and it's a medical report from 1859 that the court in Roe versus Wade said is fucking stupid. Yeah. That's an accurate. I had a big long thing. It's also quote-mind in the movie because, of course, it is, right? But literally, they're just citing it for the proposition that quote, the fetus dot, dot, dot is a lot of the, the, I don't

even, does it say fetus? I don't know what it says, but it's like they're just, they're just citing it for the words is alive and quote, and that's not, did they, did they think we think that fetuses are like cyborgs or something like? Feetuses are the undead. What? If you cast a cyborg's viable probably. Yeah, right. No, no, no, fetuses are undead. You can cast turn on dead on them. And you can kill them if you get your third set of spell slots.

Yeah, it's pretty easy. Yep. They do have drain life energy on it. Man. And then to wrap all of this up, he cites the Declaration of Independence that says everyone is entitled to life, especially baby. He actually says the Declaration of Independence is a legally binding document. And it's absolutely not.

That is absolutely not. Okay. Okay. So they just lie. That is absolutely not. Okay. Okay. So they just lie. It's just a complete lie. That is a contract that America signed with England about not doing abortions. It's a letter. It's a nasty letter that we sent.

Literally that is the legal significance of the Declaration of Independence. It's a sternly worded letter. It's legally binding. We don't like you anymore. Dear John, yeah. I don't get it. So just really quick, I want to review a couple more arguments they're making here. One of them was that Caleb was saying that people who argue pro choice are saying, you know, it's viable inside

the womb, but if you take it out, it's not viable now. And he's saying, well, you can't be checking outside of the womb. That's not fair anymore. So like, menstruation would be illegal in his head. I'm unclear. So I think what he was going for, because he's trying to use the term rip the baby out of the mother, right? So he's trying to define fiability is like, all right. So let's say a pregnant lady gets in a fight with scorpion from Mortal Kombat, right? Right. Scorpion is the second round.

He rips her baby out of her and the baby of course bites it. I don't think he should get bonus points. That is, that is no worse than any argument we made by people in this speech. If Mortal Kombat had fatalities and fatalities and bivalities, they would have gotten in more trouble. Fatalities, fatality is a quality pun there, Heath. I want to, I want us to pause to acknowledge that. Thank you. Patreon goals. Let's make it happen.

So that's over. Yeah. And he lost. Yeah. So again, let's go back and remember admittedly this was movie was written in crayon by 12 year olds, but the plot of the movie is Caleb overcomes his satanic desire to argue for a slightly less ridiculous position. And when paired with last year's nationals champion loses.

So good. And mum wins. Yeah, her pro-bosha. Yeah, court document. So it's almost as if they're saying, look, we understand that our arguments position are ridiculous, not at all founded in the law. And if you make them in a court of law, you will lose, be humiliated. But fiat, justia, whatever.

The body's at the floor. It's not about whether you win or lose. It's how you gently toss the baseball to your dad. Sorry, one other question for you, Andrew, about how a debate team would work. Caleb took over entirely for his team here at the end, but he was new guy, like he got paired with the reigning universal national world champ of this contest. And then he was in charge of doing the whole thing. Is that ever happened? So I had an 11 page rant on this back when mom was like, you must win the moot court in your, you know, first year in order to come back, because we just learned in the previous

segment, right, that Patrick Henry College placed first, second, and third each of the last two years, right? And so what that means is you could come in and you could be the hottest shit on earth, but you're probably still the D team behind, however many people are coming back that one last year. Yeah. And like, look, as somebody who's coached a debate team for many, many, many, many years, like when you're the freshman and you come in and you get paired up against the senior team, you're like, oh, well, sorry, great job.

I'm advancing the seniors come back next year, right? Like, that's the way. Yeah. So none of this would happen. And you definitely don't, it's a team debate because each person has a role. Like, you don't just get to be like, I had everyone climb on my back.

Um, um, I'm carrying this. I'm just a man to be able to get out of here, right? Well, here's, here's my thought. I think there's probably a cut scene where she was like, well, obviously I'm the senior, so I'll take the lead. And he just laid Timothy in front of her and she was like, well, obviously I'm the senior. So I'll take the lead. And he just laid Timothy in front of her. And she was like, you know what, good point. Yeah. Right. I was just about to say I'll ever look at Timothy. Yeah. But now it's time for the big heart wrenching moment. She is late at night after she's won her case. Lawyer mom is in her office watching

her son on Moot Corce. Watching him lose. Moot Corce TV. That is going to replace WKXP and the Ocho is my go-to joke for implausible media channels. Yeah. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're literally, literally. She calls him and she's like, hello, Don, I think his name was Don, right? Hello, Don, it's Judith. Hogan, we have the same last name. He's doing Judith Hogan. I read the book of Timothy now. I'm ready to be a good wife and stop having a gainful employment job that makes you feel bad because I make more money than you.

And then we come back to the post mood court thing and dad's like, hey, I'm gonna go fuck the shit out of your mom. You get another ride and he drives away. And the knowing giggle that Rachel gives in that scene. Oh, man. And so we caught in mom and dad kiss with the oldest driest lips possible. And then we do toly do to the future

where Rachel's dad is calling Caleb's dad to give them permission to marry. Okay, that's definitely what happened. 100% that is what this movie is. Rachel is on the phone. She hangs up and she walks out into the room with Caleb and his mom and dad. And she says, exact words. He said yes. Yeah. I'm so glad I have Eli here to translate this movie from crazy English because this needed subtitle, right? Because I'm watching it. And your girlfriends in the little alcove in your house and walks out and says he said yes and you know you're not the he right like that's how pronouns work. Oh God, I was like, why are they happy?

She's going to marry somebody. She's property. I get it. She gets interrupted making her Rachel's recipe.com website. And this movie is so bad. It's very clearly a word document. And you can see the actress realize that because she writes Rachel's recipes

and then when the camera gets to where she writes.com. Like the word document would just instantly upload and be like, oh, I didn't realize this was a website. There was a website. Oh, okay. You pushed Clippy shows up. Looks like you're creating a website. You want to stay home and bear children instead?

But yeah, her father has given his father permission to marry him. And the day new mall romantic you may kiss the bride moment of this movie is them holding fucking hands because her dad agreed the again yes the big ending of their love story is her dad agreeing to let him have a love story starting after the movie. That's it. Yep. And then they hold hands. And then they hold hands.

And then the screen goes black. And the credits say this film was made by 40 homeschooled kids. This is their first try, okay? You guys are dicks. You are. Literally. I mean, not those last guys are dicks. You are. Literally. I mean, not those last two sentences, but it's literally,

this film was made by 40 homeschool kids. It was their first true film ever. Not making a podcast about it. I know you're making a podcast about it. I really wanted a Marvel like mid credits scene here of Caleb and dad and Caleb being like, so hold hands with Rachel. I don't know.

It's just, it's not that great, right? Like, I mean, like, I just thought it was going to be, I don't know, the first time I pulled my hand away really quickly and, uh, yeah. Oh, I wanted a mid-credits scene where Nick Fury just inducts him into the adventure. Caleb, we need someone who can make a losing argument and we've got everyone. And you obviously didn't get into grad school because that college is unaccredited and they won't care that you went there. So you're an Avenger.

Yeah. Can we speak to the money for a second, right? Like this scene ends, right? Dad's been fired from secular university for writing creationist nonsense. Mom, because she strolls out in mom genes, right, is, has quit being a high powered lawyer. Their house, by the way, which shows up on the check, real address in personal, little Virginia, go check it out. Their house is 39,000 square feet, right?

And she writes $320,000 checks for this garbage universe. Where's the money coming from on this or her high powered lawyer Supreme Court job, of course. That is not a library, thank you. Yeah, but she's quit that, right? Well, she's still got the leftover lawyer money. I don't know. Yeah, okay.

Maybe the dad's making a lot of money on his textbook full of lies. We'll never find out the movie. Oh, there's 20 copies. Each sold for a million bucks a piece. Yeah, you probably sold all 20 of those books that he got in a very small box that he saw there at the end. It was very excited about. Yeah. All right. Well, while Rachel learns to hold hands reverse cowgirl style, we're

going to wrap it up with the analogy section. So you guys ready? All right, complete the following. Presenting arguments for the Supreme Court of the United States is to being on the moot court squad at Patrick Henry College as blank is to blank. Oh, the liquid death copy we read on air is to the liquid death copy I wrote an only patron. I did it. That's correct. I did it. Oh, see, I was going to go with as Orsman is to regatta because the SAT dropped its racist

analogy section in 2005. Heath, didn't they get back some woke analogies though? No. Aren't they're back? They're back out of 1600 and they have woke analogies? I think there are no analogies, but there are reading comprehension passages from minority authors.

Oh, okay. So it's all fine. So now the SAT is totally fine. And that 200 point gap between white students and minority students, you shouldn't worry about that. Is that still where it is? Oh, yeah. Something like that.

Wow. It's pretty bad. Isn't that one? Isn't that one of the arguments in a real debate that you might be dealing with is like whether or not standardized test scores should count? Yeah. Kind of kind of why that was off the top of my head right there. Maybe my son is ready to see the whole lot of the different law review articles.

And last week about this. So yeah. Got it. I'm really, I'm really glad you pointed it out because I muted myself and told Morgan to cut all this because I thought you were just apropos of nothing being like, you know who does bad on the SATs?

Boy, X. Hey, check me out on opening arguments. Kitto is my mind. Boom, boom, boom, boom, Ryan Slock, Nick Evil's arrest on Mars to be clear. We were saying the opposite. We're saying the opposite. We're saying the opposite of that. Exactly.

No kidding. Oh, all right. Well, well, that does it for the review of Come What May. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we actually have some amazing news about next week. So tell us Eli what's on deck? We'll be watching the video release of overcomer are watching the boondocks. Thanks, watch and we're doing a double episode next week. Overcomer and he is watching

the boondocks. It's at all. This, this is a trick question because I will have murdered Eli for making me watch this movie long before they could do any follow-up episodes. So in that, so, Eli's gonna bring episode two and nine to a merciful close. Great. Sorry about that. Of course, big thanks to Andrew Torres for joining us. Andrew, where can everyone hear more as for joining us, Andrew, where can everyone hear more Andrew? I mean, I, I'm no moot American court champion. If you'd like the second best way to win a debate, you can check out opening arguments. Excellent. And once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors for all their generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show as well, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And then I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode and my copy for the liquid death commercial. You owe and you might get to hear Eli's probably still illegal for Patreon. I don't know. We'll check we're going to definitely definitely still illegal. Don't be no legal.

So you might not get to hear that. You might get to hear that with bunch of beeps. Cool. And of course, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five store review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms that Eli is no longer involved with. And if you enjoyed this show, he's a liar. Be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist citation needed and the skeptic

rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist citation needed and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by... A law offices at P and retort us. There it is. And our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slantick of Evil Drafts on Mars. One color of the music was written and performed by...

That's an entire band. I feel like a sh- God damn it. Evil Drafts on Mars. One guy with the music was written and performed by, that's an entire band, I feel like a sh- God damn it. Evil Drafts on Mars is a whole band. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark. One guy was used with permission. That is one guy. Like, don't confuse it. I see what you're doing.

We're trying to do that thing. We're working on such a thing. It's not clear which one was true. God damn it. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. Or Andrew Torres in Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes.

Every year, students from Patrick Henry College are forced to watch this movie and some of them like to leave troll reviews on IMDB, which are awesome! Really? Absolutely true, you should go check it out. Oh, we're gonna read through some of those in a second. That's awesome.

The Supreme Court went on to overturn Roe v. Wade, like seriously, that might happen. You goddamn should have voted for Hillary Clinton. If this is your fault, if you didn't specifically vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 general election, that's your fault. Rachel and Caleb broke up, and Caleb was discovered holding hands with the entire softball team behind the abandoned mall.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.