God Awful Movies - 21: GAM021 Little Boy

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

This week Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Little Boy, the true story of Jesus giving nuclear bomb powers to an 8 year old so that he could massacre Japanese civilians by the thousands during World War II.  Terrible apologetics, an awful portrayal of stage magicians, and a plot that forces him to repeatedly pronounce the world "nuclear" combine to create the perfect storm of misery for Eli.  And as if that's not enough, the movie also includes hate crimes committed without consequence. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bay Westin Parque Sur. The country of Japan existed in 2014. It means that this was someone saw this. Can you imagine being Jeb? This is like a Holocaust celebration.

This is like a crystal knock was in a German movie and the kid was like, oh wait! Whoa, right! Now I can add to condo sticks because the windows are broken it's fucking crazy not awful movie Movie, Movie! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema and a few tile effort to find the good one. I'm your host Noah Luzonz and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back my distinct pleasure as always very excited and sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli apparently we're still doing this yes we are it's like fisting you got to get through the first part and the rest you got to get

through it this is definitely widening my ass. Oh yes, this whole podcasting project. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched little boy on purpose. Netflix is so happy. I don't know if that was their site. We know it. We know you liked that.

We got one. We got one. At this point, my Netflix is just saying perhaps you'd also like testicular cancer You seem to not have much in the way of standards. We have a black screen here for you Could be worse than this shit you've been watching it has literally suggested fire place Christmas fire place That's how vapid and imagin Imagineless thinks I am. You want to watch a fire because you don't have a real one. 99 out of 100 people that watch these movies want to watch fire too.

People who liked Little Boy. Also like staring into a fire and imagining Japanese people. All right, it's a little boy. It's based on the true story of how Jesus changed the outcome of World War II by giving magical powers to an eight-year-old kid. Except it's a bit more racist than that actual story. So imagine if like like if Bizarro Spike Lee made a racist propaganda film in the 1940s called do the wrong thing about American relations with Japan. It's like half-war movie and half that. Okay. That's what we're dealing with. Pretty well nailed it. I was going to say it was like crytie kid with Christianity instead

of karate, but yeah, more or less. I was going to go with, it's the dark side of a Norman Rockwell painting. You always look at a Norman Rockwell painting. You're like like all that looks fun, but then those characters would all be saying the n word and you're like fuck in the bathroom That's a painting actually someone hanging from that tree damn damn. I never saw that before so tell us you like how bad Was this movie this movie is surprisingly bad? It's not badly acted no it's not badly shot It's kind badly acted. No. It's not badly shot. Mm-hmm. It's kind of badly written. But the ideas behind it are so insidious that it sort of makes up for the fact

that somehow they got real actors and real cameramen and all that stuff. The ideas behind it are so poisonous that this could have been, this could have been Nicholson's Chinatown. And you still want to look this and gone Yes, isn't a good film. Well, and it was bizarrely I mean all that other stuff though was bizarrely good And the script did not merit this much talent real actors. Yeah, it's like Tom Wilkinson Michael

Emily Watson all had the same fucking bookie They all better the long fucking team and he's like I'll tell you what tell you what he's gonna ruin your career but you do little boy and we'll call it even and they were like can I just give you the $85,000 I lost on Hillary Clinton being a guy can I just give you no I like this according to IMDB or the trivia page on IMDB, Kevin James loved this script so much that he agreed to do this movie for free. And if anybody knows a good script when he sees it, that would be Paul Blurred, Mall Cop. To be fair, that's on the IMD page of every movie Kevin James has ever done. Could I be in this one, guys?

He just likes printed things on paper. He's just excited by the Gutenberg press Kevin Smith time traveler. Oh the fuck did you get this many words on one page? I'll do it Well, now okay, so this is to me the most bizarre thing about this movie and maybe I'm jumping the gun mentioning it here But it strikes me that this is kind of like, this is a Christian movie from the YAH, but God doesn't exist perspective, isn't it? Yeah, interesting.

I go, it's a very skeptical movie. It's simultaneously a very skeptical movie, set in the 40s, where as you know, atheism abounds. You know, in 1940s America America you couldn't walk two blocks in small town California without someone being like, yeah have you read the newest Sam Harris book? It comes out in 40 years. But it's not just skeptical in that way. It's also like nobody except this kid believes in religion in this movie. Even the priest is like, he's like, I don't fucking know I don't know maybe

you shit little something I hear when he put oh well I don't want to spoil it but there's a moment where a character pulls out a bimole in this movie and you go okay here we go and then he opens it up and pulls out anything except here do this kid I'm not gonna bother you in this fucking book there's a whole bunch of harsh shit honestly I just keep my weed in here I cut it out with an exacto knife, but here There's a lot of nice things to do with this movie. Well, I guess the sooner we get the breakdown going

The sooner God can get around a murder and a hundred and forty thousand people with a nuclear weapon So a pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll get to the war crime justification that is little boy With a plot as insidious as the bombing of Hiroshima was okay because daddy came home, we couldn't help but wonder what Christian cinema has waiting in the wing, so in the name of Keeping ourselves employed, we have some cinematic suggestions for the folks who made Little Boy. Hayashi had always hoped to be the tallest boy in his village, but with everyone around him, his dream might never have come true. That is, until everyone else was called away

for the rape and slaughter of innocence, which leaves him the big man in town. This Christmas, the hope of Nan King. Greta's dream apartment in the middle of Berlin gets stolen out from under her by a wealthy Jewish family, but on November 9th, the man of her dreams will change everything. This summer, Crystal Nocton Shining Armor. Timmy always wanted to be able to see the Hudson River from his bedroom window,

but with the world trade towers in the way, his dream might never have come true, until he makes a wish on a star and a flight that changes everything. Coming in 2018, lucky flight 77. And we're back for the breakdown. Now this film, like four out of every five Christian movies, is going to start with an old, tiny voice over shitty music and a scene straight from that one postcard on the display that nobody's buying this time in the form of Oh Hair California. Yeah, and I gotta say I wrote in my notes it's been three seconds and this movie is already

too much. You go like, back in my day, black people stay, black people, black people, black people, and you're just like, uh, literally I made a noise sitting on myself at the moment this guy started to talk, I was just like, oh, there's going to be a lot of this. And indeed there it is. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, this is oh, hair California. It's a sleepy village. And I'm like, it's a shit hole. You're looking at it. This is a visual medium.

You can't tell me this is a sleepy fishing village. It's a fucking shit hole. I see it now. If you look, well, you can't see see it but there was actually a kind of nice corner store wow that guy is just pooping in the street didn't he? Just pooping in the street. Oh well we're gonna call that a sleepy fishing town. Can we come? We're going for a PG 13 ratings so we're gonna call it a sleepy fishing down and so we meet our hero the pepper is the kids name yeah but they're never gonna call him that not occasionally yeah he'll get the the the titular title fairly soon in the

movie but the first thing we learn about him is that he's short and we continue to learn that for a hundred and six fucking minutes yeah actually we get about one minute into the movie and right away, we learn that he's short by getting some hate speech again a minute into the, there's a group picture happening and the main character's a little boy who's apparently too small to capture on film

using night-care technology. The wavelength, the visible light, you can't get him into a pixel or whatever. So the camera man's having a bunch of trouble. And then out of nowhere, the fat German kid from Willy Wonka basically, he yells out, stop fucking up the shot, midget, like really mean. And everybody laughs. Grown adults included. They're laughing at this. Everyone. Granted, that term wasn't established as like the equivalent of the N word for for little people back in the forties But you know still I mean pretty bad and as we're gonna find out

Spoiler they will continue ramping up the hate speech for this entire movie. Yeah, right will shift We'll shift who we are hating on but yes exactly But if you're wondering hey, is it any point is someone going to point out the insensitivity of the word man? Jet oh several characters several characters who will later go on to say Jap Nip over and over and over again. Yes like the SJW but only on one side Hey man, man. They prefer little person. Can you check your ableism? Anyways, this Jap nippy mother's nip over the fact that sucky sucky three dollars

so yes a we meet the kid he's short and again we see this fifty seven times we also meet his dad played by michael rap abort what the fuck were you doing in this movie come on man uh... who is his partner and we get this extended like me and dad where buddies uh dad was my only friend yeah yeah and now I wanted to say that this becomes a little more insidious when you realize later that there's another brother yeah that's just being ignored and

all of this stuff me and my dad had all these special times and meanwhile London said that I I made a birdhouse you know but way, it's sitting in the corner committing hate crimes quietly to himself. That must have been what happened. That's as happy as we learned in this movie. But yeah, he and his dad are buds and we see his dad teaching him to ride a bike and they're playing and breaking his arm.

Yeah, exactly. And then we meet mom. Oh, God, and okay, yeah, right away away Mom is a bitch. Yeah, she's like I'll have none of this having fun with dad bullshit build a cushion fort in my fucking living room I want to take a moment here the mom throughout the movie everyone acts as though she's physically attractive But she's not she looks like someone left Sally fields from punchline out in the sun too long She's not she looks like the creep keeper in drag. She's not a good looking woman and yet throughout this movie,

several characters will be like, mmm boy your mama looks real, real good and I'm like, really? She's standing behind that fucking beef jerky fucked all? Because I am confused. Fucked all because I am confused So and I also have to point out that we also meet during the little fantasy montage with dad the character of Ben Eagle All right, so this is like a fictional comic book magician that him and his dad love and is going to be pivotal to the movie So like it was when he breaks his arm for the bike. He's like, I'm so proud of you for breaking your arm. You're just like this magician in this comic book.

Makes no fucking sense, but they kind of shoehorn that and so I figured I'd shoehorn in it. It in where it doesn't belong to. I want to take a moment now and say that this movie is the birth of the nation for magicians. Like I was deeply offended as a member of the magic brotherhood for us to be conveyed this way on film We have fought so hard and throughout history For magicians to be represented this way, so I can't I can't do it. I am I am so triggered right now I gotta say man. Yeah, exactly the magicians the little people and the Japanese all have something to complain about here So okay, so that's name I cover band the magicians the little people and the Japanese all have something to complain about here. Um, so okay, so this name might cover band the magicians, the little people in the Japanese.

Where's the band? Where's the band? This Friday at 8 o'clock. So now we also meet London, who is the older brother, who is, I don't know, somewhere between 15 and 27 in this movie. And he is supposed to be going into the army to kill him some japs right there Their words not mine But the army rejects him because you know how in World War two towards the end they were really selective

Yeah, what people they would let go into the army Listen Michael rapper part at the fine age of 75 You've got flat feet my friend. Yes, also. I want to point out while they're learning about the war There's a super racist cartoon unbelievably. Yeah, where it's like oh me Evil juggle his man and then a bald eagle like rings him like a gong and he's like not on my watch nipo And the movie never goes like, that wasn't great. The movie should have like, adorable. It does, and it does that several times.

And never comes back. It says, hey guys, you know that these aren't good words, right, kids who are watching the movie. Oh, no, at no point, there's a myriad of characters are going to use the term, JAP and Nipp and hate speech. And at no point does the movie even wink at the fact that like That was a bad thing. It's like oh you shouldn't be mean to this Japanese guy

So then we we learned that because Bucky's not going to war, there's some kind of swapsies situation like every family has to send one, it's like the fucking hunger games. It's like a Bucky couldn't go, so dad volunteers is tribute. Yeah, that's exactly. So everyone, we go to them having a quiet, old timey dinner and then they're all very, very sad.

Yeah, the kids cry and then. How does very, very sad. Yeah, the kids crying. How does that work, by the way, if the kids got flat, like if dad was near-sighted, does that mean that the eight-year-old kid goes to the morning? Yeah, the eight-year-old. In the eight-year-old kid is short, so mom would have had to go on to jail.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. They'd had to pop one more out or something. Right, yeah. So then we cut to the same goodbye to the family getting on the bus scene where like dad's Is to London as much as you should blame yourself for this for me having to go to war and stuff It's not exactly entirely your fault Right and this scene with the like champ daddy always loves you

We're the best of buddies I realized that part of this movie like part of the purpose of this movie is to emotionally of this movie, like part of the purpose of this movie is to emotionally manipulate the children of soldiers. This is for soldiers' wives to shoulder their kids who never get to see their parents. It's like, look, you and your dad were the best of friends and now he's gone 20 months out of the year. See? See? It's moving. Just like that. You guys were dressed like pirates together? Yeah. No. it was fun yeah it was fun sad moment yeah leaving for war but honestly it seems like a like a nuclear holocaust would save some American lives at this point I'm just saying I mean there's a solution see now that's what you

were thinking I was thinking they had the best hats back then so now we meet Kevin James okay so we cut to Kevin James is the local doctor apparently nobody from his family has to go to war right and we're measuring the kid in case you didn't get the whole he's short thing and this is a part where like somebody finally says oh well that midget that's a bad word that's a mean word for people who have dwarfism and I want to point out that like sin great well right and they're applying today standards to nineteen forty standards to 1944 because 1944 that wasn't being recognized as a bad word But the other thing is that the midget the word refers to small people who don't have dwarfism Right right so and no one in the fucking forties was gonna be politically correct about it Exactly. There were no bad words in the 1940s except you weren't allowed to say fucking in front of a lady

Nobody was like hey man, don't say that. That hurts someone's feelings. That wasn't a thing. Nobody did that until like 10 years ago. And already we're like, God, it's out of control. We can't do much. But in the 40s, no one had been like, well, that thing makes people feel bad. They would have been like, yeah, say it again.

Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Toughen them up. Toughen them up. Yeah. So we also learn here that Kevin James, uh, right, exactly. Toughen them up. Toughen them up. So we also learn here that Kevin James, the doctor, Kevin James, is the fat bullies father? Yes, right.

And we haven't really touched down just how ugly this fucking kid is, that give the potato that Kevin James is wife birthed or whatever, but like, I feel bad for this kid because like this is, right now is the only moment he'll ever be employable. Because they're like, we need the ugliest fucking fat bastard we can find. There's very few situations where people say that.

Yeah, unless they make a biopic about the ravages of the measles, this kid's out of work is not a good looking kid. And I want to point out, when Kevin James is in this movie, so Kevin James appears in this movie right after the sad World War II scene. And this movie is full of emotional manipulation. So I was sitting there and I was like, oh, World War II, he's going to miss his day. I was feeling, I was actually feeling sad. And then Kevin James' face pops into screen. And there's nothing that snaps you out of the reality of this movie like a look at the fucking zookeeper man. I was instantly I was just like oh right fuck this movie fuck this movie.

Yeah fucking they dressed him like slightly whiplash. Yeah exactly so he's got a terrifying son and then he he says am I imagining he goes now come on now check your abelism or whatever he fucks says and then he and then he le and he goes, instead we're just gonna call you a little boy. And he says little boy in a way that's so, it's gonna haunt my nightmares. I'm just gonna be staying up tonight with all the lights on being like, no, it's great, you promised Kevin James

wasn't gonna come out of the bed and say little boy, right? You promised. It's, check the closet for Kevin James is again and it is seed by the way the the little boy is he's weirdly aggressive with Kevin James the doctor I mean granted the dudes clearly fucking the kids mom but you know he doesn't he doesn't know that he's yet and he's yet he's yelling at the guys like my fucking dwarf or not I don't have time to fuck around I got important eight-year-old stuff to do I got a fucking red sheet rocks and now this but that is the point of this scene though that is what we're

supposed to learn is that Kevin James wants to make sure that mom knows his dick is available yeah now keep in mind this is immediately after the scene where we see dad getting on the bus so we're supposed to believe dad got on the bus. They went from there to the doctors and the doctors like Hey, if your husband dies Got some man meat for you right here. So you know I can let the animals out of the zoo you will I was in zookeeper. Yeah And then we get more developmentally disabled fat people. Yes

And then we get more developmentally disabled fat people. Yes, because again, nothing proves how aware this movie was of the time that we immediately cut from. Now, Mitch, it's not a nice word to a retarded person named T-Cop who lives in their garage and get yelled at by the older brother. The first scene is in being like, T-Cop, and teacup's like baaaah, no hot water. And by the way, we have not seen a single scene where this brother has not been mad and if you're thinking, hey, are we going to get any scenes where this character London has any emotions except for anger? No.

One. The answer is no. The very end we see one scene where he actually is like not angry. And he is even, he's even angry about being happy at the end. Yeah. So yeah, we learn that brothers and angry fuck up. And then the little brother is trying to get some money from him. He doesn't want to give him money, gives him the puppy face,

gives him some money so that he can go to town and buy the boots that his dad was eye fucking when we were at the diner earlier. Yeah. These boots will be important and they'll come back over and over again in the film. And then he also buys two tickets to go see Ben Eagle live. Ben Eagle's the magician. Yeah, right. Right.

And he buys the two because he's got to buy one for dad because we can already see that his psyche is breaking down and like he's imagining his dad's with him or something. Exactly. Who knows why he bought two? Maybe he was just assuming his dad would be back two days after he went to war. But we cut to the army, the army guy getting out of the car to give mom bad news. And here's the thing. This is the sign of the poor writing of this movie. Good movies have the army guy gets out of the car with bad news or news moment once a movie. This happens 875 times.

At a certain point you'd think that military guy would just start, hey, can I stay over? Because that was coming here. I've been here six times in three days. And the truth of the matter is, I'm using a shit ton of money on gas Maybe I'll just hang out and we could call or something Because this is the first time he gets out of the car But he's going to get out of the car 875 more times every time this guy farted in World War 2

They sent this colonel to the house. Yeah, it was a silent but deadly And we just wanted to let you know, here's a folded flag. Bye. But we learned that he's a POW. Yeah, exactly. And we get this. Now, for a second here, it seems like this movie's maybe going to take an interesting turn,

because we started to get this flashback to Dad at war. And I thought maybe we were going to tell some a Dad story. But really, the only purpose that serves is so that we can interspersed those scenes with a scene of the little kid getting attacked by the bullies in town. So yeah, the baby-freckled version of Richard Dawkins is like, come on guys, we're not allowed to say that to her feelings, but we are allowed to throw him in a dumpster and cover him in water. Yeah, so but here's the thing though, this is what's so weird about this scene because they're interspersing the kid getting beat up by the bullies with dad getting like

captured by enemy soldiers and shit. And I'm thinking, are you just trying to remind us that this bullying shit isn't really that bad? Are you trying to keep it in perspective? It seems like an odd message to send in the middle of this. yeah, exactly. Listen, this bullying might be bad, but dad's about to get his fingernails pulled out. So, you know, strap the fuck in. So they throw them in the dumpster and then we get them, I guess, eventually he made it out of the dumpster and found his way home. So now we get this very bizarre moment where he walks in the house, soaking wet, covered in garbage and clinging a pair of boots. And no one says, why are you, uh, no, at all, soaking wet and covered in garbage and clinging a pair of boots and no one says why are

you uh no at all and covered in garbage and clinging a pair of boots that doesn't even come up yeah at all they're just like hey your dad's in war jail yeah exactly exactly at which point we get this fantastic moment where London goes damn my flat feet they killed my dad he's drinking from a bottle like he's just doing the classic like I'm a troubled teen. Yeah right. You might as well just tattooed that on this fucking forehead. So you know so the kids super sad because dads maybe not coming home whatever whatever. So mom talks London into taking them to the magic show that he wanted to go to. Like the skeleton and witness protection is like,

go to the magician and give them a brother. And I guess London cannot be a dick, at least long enough to get them there. So we get there. And now, okay, so I guess Ben Eagle is like a serial that they watch and then there's a live show that goes with it or whatever. And honestly as bad as it was,

the Ben Eagle serial was better than the movie. Yeah yeah so I just kind of wanted to keep watching that that's a film within a film thing although we we again in this movie we can't get away with you know five minutes without vicious racism that never gets addressed Ben Eagle has a Native American sidekick that is more offensive than Tomto from yes from the what's his name one ranger yeah exactly well and also a okay so this is minor nitpink here but I'm a big fan of the old cereals and at the end of this serial he saves the girl and every one any any wins that's not how cereals were yeah no they they was always a cliffhanger that's yeah that's the point that's what made them cereal see exactly they ended it next week, you just be like hey, what's going on? Oh, we thought we would get lunch

You know, just like that Do you want to come with us? Rocket man was just fine at the unduinness taxes and shit. I figured we didn't have to worry about it anymore So then and then this moves into the live show and this is the part obviously where magicians were just set back 100 fucking years. Yes, exactly. This is hard. This was hard to watch. And I personally have moved forward with it.

I have processed this moment. But basically, he brings the kid up on stage, and he's like, do you believe you can move the bottle? He tells the kid that he's gonna move the bottle. And look, I, listen, we've all been through some hard times, you know, one or more of us may have been in a skin hat gang at a certain point. One or more of us may have juggled on the street for money.

Doesn't matter who's who here. All right, in the situation. And one or more of us may have done some children's party magic, okay? I don't wanna to name names. But listen, you bring up a kid you do magic trick with them. But never in any kids party that I ever did, or have even heard of, does the magician

give the kid a pep talk about how he's got real magic powers for the shitty trick he's about to do. If I ever got down on one knee and like locked eyes with a kid and I was like Hey to believe in your heart that you can make this scarf turn from red to blue They would have been like I need an adult and I would have been like you're right. You do need Just wanted to make sure you have that answer it's already well done But and it's just the lamest goddamn trick in the fucking universe, too. This bottle moves across the table with a fucking tablecloth on it.

But boy, do they build up to it. But before we get that, because this is another one of these stupid Christian movies that can't just sit on a scene until it's done, we also have to cut back and forth between this and the bar where London is apparently a regular now. So he's, he, he snuck off and went drinking while his brother was at the magic show. Right. And this is where we meet Buffalo Bill, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. I tested Levine. Exactly. So yeah, we meet Buffalo Bill. He doesn't get a real name inside from Buffalo Bill.

You don't you don't get to be Buffalo Bill and then either get to be a different person aside from that. Except he's on Monk too, which is fantastic. Eventually he was Sam at the very end of the movie we learned his name it was Sam I was paying attention this guy right here was paying attention I didn't even realize he was Buffalo Bill until then you recognize Buffalo Bill every time I want to I miss that I yeah every time I watch an episode of a fucking higher life I'd be like you fuck me I kept expecting him to put monk in a hole. Anyways, it's fine. So he's there and he's sad because his son died in Pearl Harbor.

And apparently this is where we learn there's a Japanese guy in town. And London and Buffalo Bill are not happy that there's a Japanese guy in town. Yeah. So then the kid is standing there and the magician's like, do you believe you can move the bottle and the kids like I do and then he stands there with his hands out and goes At the bottle and at any magician worth a salt would have been like hey kid don't shit yourself I'm gonna push this toe switch and the magnet's gonna move You can chill right the fuck down. We're all having a good time here

You can chill right the fuck down. We're all having a good time here. But he does he screams and uses his carry powers and by the way this movie now started to set up something Fantastic this movie had great potential which was to be a movie about a little kid with telekinetic powers That I've been thought this was going is this kid was just gonna move the bottle But it's just a trick move the bottle, but it's just a trick. The movie presents that everything's a coincidence. But I really wanted this movie to just be, this kid has telekinetic powers and slowly trains himself to use them.

And it just drives the problem. Yeah, exactly. And so now we get sort of an interesting thing that this movie slightly addresses almost by accident, which is where this kid is conflating the comic book fiction and the movie fiction and the magician fiction with the church fiction. Right. And cut to the church. Right.

Where fucking Al Pacino from Scarface is standing up their preaching. I wrote my notes. What accent does the priest have? That's all I could think of the whole time. Oh wow! We're gonna go to Jesus and take the Eucharist. So he, yeah, and just happens to be preaching about David and Goliath too. Oh, what a quink eating right there. And also, and this again is going to be pivotal to the movie. He's talking about, I don't know why Christians focus

on the mustard seed thing, you know, they could just like, brush that under the rug like the slavery justifications if they wanted to, but he's talking about how if you have a mustard seeds worth of faith, you can move them out. Not just like to point out, it's been 2000 years, they haven't moved any mountains. Yeah.

So if that's the standard, their setting, can we just, yeah, are we done? Well, All of Christianity has less faith than a mustard seed right? Yeah. Apparently. And also side note, the main character's name is Pepper. He's named after a seed that's some smaller than a mustard seed. Oh, you're choice. Not to spoil this, but this is actually the first time I had ever seen a mustard seed. Mustard seeds are fucking huge. It's possible to believe that someone ever thought that was the smallest thing in the world. That's crazy to me. They're giant. They're like huge.

I expected like a teeny tiny little like a fennel seed. I'd be like, all right, I get how Jesus is walking around in the desert. He sees a fennel seed. He goes, wow, that's the smallest thing in the world. Now this thing's the size of a fucking marble and he's like yep, that's it Also, by the way was I the only one that noticed that the heart playing none was smoke and fucking hot This none comes out a couple of times in this movie and again I don't understand why they went with the mom is super hot when they had this Smoke and hot none throughout the film who would wandered on and I would just be like going. She was the Doritos girl. Yeah, so the kid apparently

gets the impression from this sermon that mustard seeds are Christian spinach or something and he can eat a mustard seed and he'll have superpowers. Right. So he goes to the store and he gets a mustard seed. Well, and I just want to point out, I love the way this movie, like, it wants us to go, oh, that silly kid interpreted the mustard seed parable wrong. What he actually meant was that birds can live on mustard trees. You know, that's a silly way to. Stupid.

Yeah. But while we're in that Mindset we meet mr. Viagi's accountant, right? We literally runs into and he is announced the Asian character in this movie is a Nounced with a gong. Yes A gong he looks up at him and it goes Yeah, exactly so if you're thinking hey what a sensitive movie they've been really great about the M word nope was baaah! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da people get released from internment camps you get old Hawaiian men in your stores yeah right yeah i guess so yeah right so the in the and just to like reinforce the racism here the next thing we get is is little boy running into the um to the bar and yelling quote London there's a japa gilliams and everyone by the way at the bar is like our trapper gilliams are dropping you think you're gonna start a musical number

a japa gilliam never or drop it, you think you're gonna start a musical number? A JAPAN GILLIUM NEVER! I don't know. Unfortunately, no one burst into song. And then we cut to a film reel, again, another film reel, where it's like, remember, are a durable ghettoization of the Japanese? Don't worry about it, we let them go now. Yeah, or some of them. And by the way, if there's, there's never a moment

where anyone in this film goes, that was the wrong thing to do. We shouldn't have put all the Japanese into an interview. Or even nod towards that. Right. Even the Japanese character goes, it's okay. I feel like I kind of deserved it. You know, it was really my fault. I shouldn't have been so Japanese. Should have been so Japanese. So the brother shows up at Gilliam's Wellay Shop and for some good old-fashioned hate-crimeing. But father Tom Wilkinson shows up and stops him and defuses this situation.

I don't want to put out. This movie takes a hell of a turn at this point. I'm still in hell. This movie is really like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I like, I believe in the men, the magician, and old timey and soda and stuff. And then it's just like hate crimes. Yeah, right.

Fuck their slumps from that point on. Oh, and the rest of this movie, which up until now has been a shitty postcard that your grandmother soz on to a pillow, is now about hate crimes. Yes. Because the little boy, the cutesy boots character, is about to say, if I could, I smash

every jab with my bare hands. Yes. Yes. So we cut to them sitting around the bar. It's Buffalo Bill, London, and Little Boy talking about how much they hate the japs. Right. It's a Buffalo Bill London and little boy talking about how much they hate the japs right and so they decide to go to the guy's house and Murder him right and murder him come on little bro. Let's go kill a Japanese man together. You need to learn about this

Do you believe you can right? I believe I can do it So he's throwing rocks at the house and again just this movie keeps I believe I can do it. Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! But his flat feet make him trip and again this murder attempt is like a Crime plus slapstick who puts slapstick and hate crime together in a film look at this guy with his flat ass feet Can't even murder one old jack the house of the mother of God

Tell I remember London tried to murder a lot of people that a lot of people that some of you have a quiet managed it. Brickard, yeah, back up, I'm born. So, uh, the best coordinated than Jason Pierre Paul. Right. A lot of Joe with this explosive thing. Oh, shit. Is that one of the terrorists from the Paris attack? Yes, it is.

It certainly was. He was the one that blew his own hand up in the Paris attacks. So London goes directly to jail, does not collect $200. But for his part in the attempted murder, little boy is sentenced to say some prayers in Latin. Five L marries and five L fathers. But in Latin. In Latin.

So they make it their smoking hot. And London has to go to Mayberry Prison for approximately a week. Something like that, yeah. The murder in the forest got you to go to Mayberry prison for approximately a week Something like that. Yeah, murder in the forest got you a week in Mayberry prison. Well, he knows people Yeah, exactly fucking Hitler could confess to this priest. He make him right on the chalkboard a hundred times I will not genocide the Jews I will not Latin in Latin In all man not in Latin never mind. I'll shoot myself into head in a bunker instead Well, don't spank me if I screw up go home Jews Oh man, not in Latin. Never mind. I'll shoot myself into head in a bunker instead.

Well, the nuns spank me if I screw up. Go home, Jews. I got the shit. The declension. So after a little boy finishes the prayers, uh, he goes into the pre-sauface to get some clarity on this mustard seed. Shit. Now we've got two priests here. We've got Tom Wilkinson and Al Pacino from Scarface and Both of them like this movie tries this a couple of times, but both of them cannot Explain how their fiction is different from other fiction because he's like is Jesus power like Ben Eagle in this comic book And the guys like no, that's just words in the book about something that never shit in a book about something in the world. Shit, fuck, ask me again. I'll start over.

I'll take it back. This is the magician in your book is real. Fuck, no, not the one. You're the one who's saying, okay. Your magician is demonstrable and armage... Okay, now you know what, fuck it. I'm gonna leave. He does.

Basically Tom Wilkinson is like, hey man, you need to fucking get out of here. You doing a bad job. It was he going for up three nights on a fucking bender? God, he seems so like every scene. He seems so true. I think his stage direction was readin' simply beaten to death. And he immediately pulls a bottle. He's like, I move the bottle. He pulls a bottle out from his desk and I'm like yeah preachers got a bottle Pose a bottle out from his desk puts on the table tells the kid to move it the kid can't move it and but now the kid stands there like he's Shitting himself trying like he's like tries to move something. He's like

It's a turtle head. It's a turtle. It's a go for will leave the hole and go for will leave the uh... and again this is where this movie had the opportunity to be a super cool x-men reboot all we need to do is get around the office then that preaches hair falls out and he's like i'm going to start a school for gift of teenagers anyways didn't have well and i saw that's where we're going because time willkinson when he's tried to need to get it to go try again again and he's like like the fucking py-may of Christian

telekinesis I thought this is gonna be awesome that mustered seed from my hand then you will be ready right but no uh... Tom Wilkinson moves the bottle for him and then explains that magic works by not right he's like that's how faith works and the little boys like what he goes i don't know i was in the script i shouldn't have been on the other two win two years in a row stupid tom well so but but okay so here's the thing though and again this is so central to the movie the kid obviously thinks the depreased is telling them he can get magic powers by believing in Jesus enough.

And he was making some great points too. He was like, Ben Eagle is like Jesus, but better. Ben Eagle exists. You guys understand what I'm saying? I'm like, he's an eagle. I was there. He's in my hand. Right.

You guys should dress up like Jesus and pretend, at least like they do with Santa. Yeah. So, but, but like instead of telling him, no, you can't get magic powers. That's not how it works. He says, oh, no, Jesus wrote this list. If you do all this stuff, you get magic power. Jesus wrote this list. He goes, I talked about the beginning. He goes to his desk. He pulls out the Bible and I'm like, all right, here we go. He's going to point to the part of the Bible where someone was like, yeah, you can do it believe in your heart But instead he opens it up and he's just got like this fucking grocery list written on very nice paper

He's got this little calligraphy thing and he's like this is the most ancient list and That's how he ever described is that from the Bible? I Didn't it doesn't know I make any sense with the Bible none of the things it wasn't the 10 commandments Not at all. It's way better than the 10th man So the things on the list are feed the hungry shelter the homeless Visit those in prison weird clothe the naked visit the sick and bury the dead So already those are kindnesses that are almost I went down and I was like okay Well, there's excuses to not do all of these things in the Bible All you need to do is read Joel and you're like I don't have to do any of this shit fuck you preacher man

Give me magic powers. Well Jesus specifically told one of his followers not to bury his dad So yeah, I don't know where the fuck he's getting this shit I love that they had to add a page to the Bible to find five good things I want to watch that interns day the intern who's just going through the Bible and they're like hey Brian She come up with nothing yet that either preacher can tell the little boy. No, I didn't do you know who was the father to go Zeus who was the father to naosus? No, I don't Man, that's our seventh intern today. Yeah, right. We should just make a little extra biblical list or something.

These are the seven commandments God meant to put in there too. But also, but he adds one because he's already got his list prepared. But he adds also befriend a jab. You know, so he tells the kid, if he wants his magic powers, he has to do it. It's close to naked and feed the hungry and all this, but also make friends with the Japanese person that he tried to kill a couple scenes ago. Also wax on wax off. Pain depends, sand the floor, karate kid, doesn't matter. You have to be friends with the jack. You have to create the jack.

Your father is going to get tortured to death in a POW game. Your call. But also now, and I think this is again key to the whole fucking movie, because the kid says, okay, well, then I'll finish this list and make friends with him so that I'll have magic powers enough to bring my dad back. And the priest is like, oh, you want to do real stuff? She's like a kid. You want to move a bottle.

Uh, wait, I got a list. I'm going to move a mountain that you can't move I got to have a list. I'm going to have a list. A move a mountain that you can't move. Great, there you go, you're good. Yeah, that work was good to go. I'm going to show up to church every day. Okay, but so the God said the fucking guy says like, you know, oh, well, you know, God only bring your dad back if that's in as well.

And he's like, why wouldn't God want to bring my dad back? Now, look, if your theology can be accidentally invalidated by a semi inquisitive eight year old in your own fucking movie that should tell you something because there's no answer here time Wilkinson just goes bad you know because sometimes it doesn't do anything and that's fantastic this is the best answer to why wouldn't God want to help blah blah blah in the in any Christian movie we watch for the first time They don't turn to him and go well. I don't know isn't it aren't you a murderer?

Because once you thought about fucking a lady? Yeah, Tom Logan's in the woods half bleary drunk co-caes and he goes, I don't fucking know and the kids like great It was refreshing. I was like good for you Tom Wilkinson the Nudge gets up from our desk am I done now yeah kids gone you can go yeah and then we get a series of scenes where little boy is trying to make friends with the Jap and wouldn't you know at the guy he tried to murder in the middle of the night with fire doesn't really want to forgive him right away. It's kind of cranky about the whole trying to get murdered.

Here's how the main character, the little boy apologizes for attempted murder. Ready? He says, sorry about the other day. Sorry about the other day when I tried to murder you with my brother. Like he's apologizing to his girlfriend because he came to you. Yeah, I was about to say that the main character of this movie is less apologetic about trying to murder someone. And then I am about premature ejaculation What are you gonna do right? What are you gonna do? Sometimes you try to murder someone. I'm still gonna call you a jab And the kid like he brings him a soda and the guy doesn't want this soda

So he throws it in the trash and then he's like peeking in his fucking windows and shit and like at a certain point The Japanese guy just looks out and he goes can we just go back to you wanting to kill me right this would be like so like occasionally having my house set on fire in the middle of the night I can I can handle right and he's going to see Tom Wilkinson he's like I don't know how to get through to him my problem is sold on everything in Tom Wilkinson's like hang out with him get to know him find out where he's the most ticklish I don't know come on the forties we don really take care of kids at this point. If you get fucked, you get fucked.

So he goes back to make friends, and I'm thinking at this point, if this motherfucker doesn't teach this kid karate, then fuck this movie. There's two points in this movie where I was like, he's going to teach him karate. He does not. So he can beat up the fat kid. He does not. I wrote that this is the origin story of Johnny Lawrence the bad kid from Crotty Kid right that's where they're going I like you mean the hero of karate kid yeah if you think about it right yeah exactly all right so and

the lesson that we learn from this scene by the way for for all you Christian children watching little boy when a stranger offers you a trip in a car take it it could be fun, maybe he'll buy you ice cream. Yeah, exactly. And he has this moment where he goes, my family knows where I am. So we're like, we're supposed to be meta aware that the kid's aware of like you could murder and write me, but he's like, just so you know, I'm gonna put up a struggle. This isn't gonna be fun. So the old Japanese guy takes him on a date. Yeah, they go on a date

So to shop they go to the soda shop where the Japanese guy tries to order a soda But the soda jerk guy goes I ain't talking to you nip Mm-hmm, which is lovely and then the little boy orders vanilla Which the Japanese man pays for and then eats. Yeah, he takes it from the cat as they're coming out. I kind of like that. I like that Japanese guy on there. Hashimoto, he was a great character.

I just want to see like a deleted scene, a montage, little white kid like hailing him cabs and a blind for credit cards, renting apartments with him and stuff. I need to buy this big booty bitches 13. I'm gonna be 100 hour DVD. Yeah, yeah, buy that one. I need to buy this big booty bitches 13 So and we really learn what a great character Hashimoto is in the next scene because we see a scene where he's playing cards with with the preacher guy and He's telling him like he's telling the priest. He's like dude

You should not tell this kid that he can get magic fucking powers by being friends with me right and even and he says also he's like well let's hope your little game doesn't mess with this boy's mind right and I'm like oh by definition it is already messed with his yes yes I'm like Hashimoto's my hero I love this guy and throughout the movie. I like that character Now we get to oh and then the priest has to leave for no reason what's it? Whatever the fuck So so the kids like oh, but who will help me with my list and blah blah the priest has to leave So he goes to visit his brother who's still in jail for trying to kill the Japanese guy and London is pissed because that's only the only emotion that he expresses in this entire movie.

But this time he's pissed because his little brother is making friends with that jab. Right, and I want to take a moment to say, London does a terrible job in this movie. He is by far the worst performance. He is like a rejected member of a community theater production of the outsiders. That is just like his hair is greased back and he just keeps, and it's just take golden pony boy.

Alright fine, you're going to play one in this shitty movie. Can you yell at a retard? Sure can. I was doing it at outside. Alright, well, you yell to retarget sure can I was doing that it outside all right well make it happen ask me for spare change but yeah he goes he goes full crazy on his little brothers little brothers

like I've been hanging out with that guy you tried to murderings like if I find out you've been hanging out with him I will turn you inside out and eat what leaks out of you in the kids like all right see ya! And of course the bullies come across them again, but this time Hashimoto just happens to be driving by and rescues him. I thought Hashimoto was going to fight those children for him, because he sees the kid chasing him and I was like, I so badly want Hashimoto to just get out and just a slow motion montage

of him kicking the shit out of that freckly The movie could have ended right there, but no instead we just get the kids yelling Jack lover Adam as they're driving the one Jack lover my tinder handles so So Japp lover calm actually pops up when I type the letter J So then we get okay, so just throw away seem but I have to mention it because we get the kid coming home And he can hear mom making funny noises in the bedroom So he goes into check on her and she was just just right. I was so hoping it was gonna be mom pushing the button But no, she's just smelling dad's pants or something. Yeah, well she may it could could so she leaves Jack Skellington and drag to do

Her we've been to her P.O.W. Husbands and goes to visit the Jap again. Who is again because this movie is in fact racist Shaving a fish with a weird knife. Yes, it must will be John Belushi doing samurai chef at this point So he he will ask the Japanese guy to help him with his list and then he gives him the sad puppy dog face So he decides to he's like, okay, come on in my house again It was decorated at pure one imports apparently Less authentically Japanese it's this is like if someone gave me a 20-toler gift card and was like hey go by Japanese stuff I'd be like I don't know these these look like swooshy letters of these That's aeropics

Lady in a dress and she's got a fan and then I got a mask, a mask. Guy fucks mask. That's Japanese. So then we set up this whole thing where the kid is going to like, or the the Japanese is going to help him go through the list. So they visit the sick. He takes them to the hospital. So and this is kind of fucked up.

He takes the kid whose dad is an MIA or who is is MIA in World War II to visit Burned and deformed soldiers right good call Guys, yeah getting them ready. He's getting them ready to see I guess yeah I'm sure the people are prepared for this kind of weird shit This is what happens and this is where they get harassed by some American soldiers that are sitting there for being nice and going to visit another American soldier. Why don't you bring that burn victim some hot and sour soup and nip lover. We did this is why I was shaving that fish earlier.

So the next one on the list is help the homeless but apparently in Oh, hair There are no real homeless people so instead the the Tea cup the recorded guy that listed the car on a shop. Yeah, they decide to let him sleep in London's room while London is in jail right and they give him his pajamas So we hit this great moment that basically they treat Teacup in this movie the way I treat my pug is like look he's wearing clothes. He thinks he's people I mean I even wrote in my notes here. Hey mom. Can I have a pet retard? Exactly how they treated that fucking scene are you gonna walk him? Are you gonna let him kill?

He gets too close and tries to fuck him at the ranch Are you gonna walk him or you're gonna let him kill him? If he gets too close and tries to fuck him at the ranch? You've got to kill him if he ends up killing a lady, okay? Don't wear a soft fur hat, you'll get strained. And then, now the next thing on the list was a clothe the naked. And they're walking through town looking through the list. Oh, a clothe the naked. And I thought we were gonna go to a scene where the two of them were just walking around

looking for naked people Like you know sneaking into fucking locker rooms and going anybody here with your slong out But they're not the JCC you find plenty old penises there But I'm not supposed to walk around all afternoon like this. No, no sir You're not you're supposed to get changed and then you're supposed to go off This is upsetting for all of us. I love that immediately you knew exactly where to go for a lot of old penises hanging out. But, um, unfortunately, that's not what they do at all. They go knitting, which is not as good.

They call them the spider ladies, because they knit and they like gossip, I guess. Yeah. But the super hot pregnant one, who's's not just hot because she's pregnant, but it helps Is is like all alone and so he helps her knit a sweater for her baby Yeah, yeah, he learns to knit in the span of this scene Think of myself. What's he gonna do with that sweater fingers crossed? He goes to a porn shoot for little people doesn't he? No, disappointing is no gives it to a pregnant lady. Damn right and he checks on and that's the last thing on the list And I wrote in my notes credits credits, please please please

The rest of this is just a really long credit sequence. It would be awesome I mean, well then there were still a Barry the dad on the list, but yeah, that's as far as we're gonna get at the time And well, that's not enough to earn us a full pardon from this Prison sentence of a movie it does earn us a furlough So we're gonna pause for a quick break when we come back nothing will continue to happen for an absurdly long time If we learned anything from little boy It's that hate crimes and vicious racism don't matter as long as you couch everything and some g-golly

awesucks norm Rockwellisms. So we'd like to take this opportunity to get some stuff off our chests that we'd like to say with no consequences whatsoever. Well, shine my boots and call me a cowpoke, but Chinese people drive like a mole and molasses on the 4th of July. Well, now I don't know much, but it sure is a grass-apricant jump through the juniper, then Mexican sure do love the drink Black people smell different Jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink jink and we're back when we last saw our hero he was checking off all the merit badges he needed to earn mountain moving Jesus powers but in the meantime Kevin James has been zeroing in on mom's under tended vagina and Kevin James is all about fucking skeleton away let me tell you

I guess I am for it I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, it was casserole. And by the way, there's no such smell as casserole. That's not a general term for a smell. That's like saying, it smells like beverages in here.

It smells like a hot glass rectangle in here. What am I smelling? Sorry, is that a Roma? Are you making a Roma? A dessert. That's right. A dessert, I smell. Yeah.

So, now this is also kind of weird, because then we cut to London and prison and apparently Dr. Fox, that's Kevin James' character, got him out of prison. Yeah. Is he a gangster? I mean, how do I- Listen, in the 1940s, it cost an entire hay penny if you try to murder a Japanese person a black person or a gay guy So you know Dr. Fox came through. I guess so It's like tithing how you used to be able to pay the Catholic Church to forgive you for murder

That's what they did in the 40s with crimes. I think so. Yeah So basically Kevin James invites himself to dinner and they sit around their eating and of course his kid the bully is there as well And he goes Boy Freddie and I have an eating like this since and I'm like let me stop you right there tubby Yeah, you're fucking fat cartoon villain of a child have eaten in every possible way today You guys had a casserole in the car on the way over clearly the second half of that line is since outside on your porch when we walked in. We split a Boston market chicken. So like she goes up to do some dishes or whatever and the older brother says, Hey man, thanks for getting me out of jail. To which Kevin

James says, I would do anything for your mother., asked mouth. Anything she told me to do. Anything you'll cover the furniture and surround wrap and I will be her shit boy. Night and day. Night and day. Look me in the eyes, London. Night. And day. He's got his hand holding his face.

Night. And day. I would suck diarrhea out of that woman's ass. The toilet wouldn't get a drop look me in my goddamn eyes Destroy that cast roll And I want so bad to get a hold of this script just to see if the the little fat kid the bully kid stage directions were all like Scowl fatly were all like scowl fatly ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha things there might be something up with that. So he goes chase him down, found turns out that the bully has found his stupid magic list. Right. And he grabs his, he comes in, he's like, Hey, that's my list.

They do choke some, he grabs him and choke some like fucking Darth Vader, trying to save force meter or whatever. And he's like, you, I'm going to take this list. And if you want it, you're going to have to come get it. And I'm thinking to myself, the fact that i'm being choked is far more distressing keep the fucking it's all yours i remember what it says i remember what it says i just had to left on the very dead it might be me if you don't stop choking so

all yours tobo take it on your trip to williamwanka so that he goes back to the japanese guy for the scene where he should have learned the goddamn crane tech base. Yes, yes, okay, we're all in agreement here. This was the scene where he was supposed to learn karate, but he does. Yeah, and we get so close because the goddamn guy even starts telling him samurai stories and shit. Yeah, he tells him that this is the he tells him a story of Masau Kume and i was so sure that this story was full of shit but apparently it's kind of not

well it's it's full of shit but it's a real legend yeah i i thought it was just something they made up for the movie but like the mongol is actually did invade japan and apparently there there is a legend of like this one mongol leader coming and bringing his strongest soldier and saying he'll leave the village alone if anyone can defeat him and he got defeated. Yeah, right. It's like the Japanese David and Goliath, but it was way cooler because it has fucking scorpion darts.

Well, so they actually flash back into this, like right in the middle of this movie, we get this fucking, he starts telling this story and we get this flashback and we actually get some samurai's fighting some Mong Mongols Mongols by the way are apparently bears are sign yes the only noise Mongols making this movie is oh played by Chubaka apparently right so so we get the fight between this giant Mongol in a devil devil mask and this little short Samurai guy and they sword fight for a while and it's kind of cool

But then he sheathes his sword and I'm like use the force kume, but that wasn't it It was a poison dart and I'm thinking why didn't you lead? Yeah, you got a start with the poison dart start with your poison dart But we don't try to preach a lot on this show on gam but if there's anyone out there listening who has a fight with a mongo coming up please lead with your poison darts sit there you got your boys and darts in one hand you're sword and the other yeah very very obvious like i mean but yeah because he has to like sword fight this huge guy for a minute i'm like wouldn't you it's be like anyway yeah so didn't make much sense but apparently now that um uh little boy knows bullshit samurai legends he's not short

anymore right uh so he goes after his list right because he's got that he got the background he goes the the thing that Kumei had was the will to face his fear and I wanted him to also say and scorpion poison you might want that helps you might be well that's I so wanted the kid to show up and kill the fat bully with scorpion because like up until this point like the movie had been him taking shit to literally like when they said the mustard seed in the move amount and he tried to use the most so I wanted so bad for them to like like flash cut to a scene at the fucking police station with the Japanese guys going like I did not think you

would take I didn't even know you had scorpions here. I'm really pretty clear. I did not know that America had scorpions. I feel guilty. Not please telling a little boy that he can bring his dad back guilty, but like I feel like seconds place of the liars in his life right now. Also just based on this story I want to point out the America slashapan metaphor is pretty obvious in that story and the movie never addresses it the movies never like it's about a big old power that comes and gets the shit kicked out of them by these tiny people well except that we we want so it's it's like that same story except for the little guy you know mist with his dart didn't lead with the dart or whatever and then we use the dart and

then we were like oh i'm about to be poisoned you know what I don't want this fight to last super long so I'm gonna use a nuclear bomb. So now we get him facing the bully. He comes up and he's like okay give me back my list and Freddie rips up the list and throws it on the ground to which the kid says you fat motherless pig now that's a little dark we found out at the dinner scene that that his mom was dead that's a little dark yeah going after the kids dead mom that's a little shit it's the meanest thing anyone except for the grown-up says in this movie right right right exactly except for telling

him that he can get the magic powers except maybe he says something maybe as bad later But yeah super mean fucking thing to say the kid deserves to get his ass kicked right now, right? So the fat kid pushes him on the ground and then as he comes down at him Little boy swings him and hits him full on in the fucking face with a metal lunchbox It was actually pretty cool because at that point I just want to see that fat squishy ass face gets squished but that's why you don't bring a thermos to a lunchbox fight with fat Nazi fucking deal with it. It's like fuck I already ate my lunch and my lunchbox with a fine hand. Oh he's supposed to keep that recyclable. I didn't know so then the mom

He's got feed the hungry and the mom says look if you want to feed the hungry bring a friend over for dinner And he chooses Hashimoto right, but at first though they make it they they they trick you here because they they show him walking around in the park Like trying to find a friend to invite over and and he looks over this ginger kid that was there And you hear the ginger kid going like uh, hey man did you say hey yeah you knocked the fuck out of him so at first you think he's gonna go make a friend right but he but he doesn't no and and I but I wanted it so bad to be that with like the red headed kid they washed him knock that fat kid out just sitting there the whole time like afraid he's gonna get hit with a lunch box he's like no I just we just do what little boys says now exactly he's he's told me to come I'm his prison bitch so it works so but no but yeah it was here a shema or she more than he's a spoiler spoilers so fuck fuck so um and they're

having hot dogs and this guy is looking at that onion covered hot dog the way I would look at that one you know exactly so you invite people over for dinner and make hot dogs that's that's that's interesting. That's interesting. Why would you make that choice? No, it's fine Really it's cool. I would like to just have it for all by random with the other guy showed up But okay, I'll eat a hotdog and she at one point she goes do you have hot dogs in Japan? And I wanted him to be like oh do you have rice in America? That's a stupid question. Oh, yes. I've been here for 42 years.

Right. Yeah, exactly. He's like, I've seen hot dogs before. Right. And then he takes out a picture. And he explains that everyone in his life is dead. He's been in America for 42 years. It's got these two cute little nephews. Right.

And he's like, they live in Japan and I wanted so badly for him to be like, Oh, they live in a very safe city. Nagasaki is not a military base. So do not worry. Whatever happens in this war, they will be fine. Basically, that's where we go. But before that, we've got to get some more hate crime. And so London comes in and sees that there's a damn chap at the table. He backs away like he caught them all fucking on it and then comes back with a shotgun.

Right. And you can't get a gun license with flat feet. Yeah. They're strict about that. That's crazy. This is California. This isn't Florida. Come on now.

I want it so bad for the Japanese guy to be like, are you sure you won't trip and fall before you can? Are you about to spin around and shoot yourself in the face by accident? Yeah. What we know of you so far, he's pointing at the wrong direction. I'll do it, man. I don't think you will. So it, but then this is the other point where, where little boy, like competes for the motherless pig thing because once he runs the fucking get out Little boy turns to his brother and he goes you know dad had to go to war because you couldn't like that's a little

I mean, I know he just ran your friend off with a shotgun and all you you probably should say something about it But that's probably not a little harsh there pepper. Yeah, a little hard going hard to pay necessary uh by the way i just wanted to point out at this point brothers costume notes went from full on like gree sir to gay porn oh yes i wrote my notes like his costumes must have come out of the two gay for chanting Tatum pile right exactly he looked at them for magic mic and he was like come on guys that's a little much a little much let's give them that guy, the set over at Little Boy. They need all they can take.

Right. They had to take Kevin James from us. So, you know, otherwise you'd have his fat ass dancer around here. I would have watched Magic Mike if he was up there dancing around. Anyway. So then we get to the big MOVA mountain scene.

Oh, God. And I'm like, as this scene started, I was like, somebody better do some fucking magic or something Yes god damn movie and sort of they did so yeah, so we're walking through town little boys with the jab all this Towns folks see him and gather around to Lynch him I Exactly and everyone in this 1940s tiny fishing villages is like you better explain your autolouch go police

Even if you did have powers I have several follow-up questions about the way in which you would use them It's the fouries This is where James Randy grew up apparently I guess You'd already gotten all of them so the brother shows up and demands proof of God and the kids like but Please told me that if I had a mustard seed where the faith and it didn't tell anybody that we played in the dark salty tube I And the brother like drags him across these is like well, there's a mountain move it and then everyone in town

Gathered around to check and see if he's gonna move the goddamn Everybody everybody in this town is like well, let's see. Let's trick it out Before he's it wasn't like that TV to watch so you know if I didn't have TV I'd be like yes some kid down the street Cizzi has magic powers. What the fuck else am I gonna do? We're all hate crime doubt the Japanese guy is here We don't have any black people in town. No, no, no, we're in any frame of this film. But as he's like doing his magic hand wavy thing and trying to take a shit in this pants, he's going super sand. There's an earthquake. And then like, you know, everybody is just standing around going like, fuck an earthquake in California. This kid must have God power.

I'm so surprised this kid, this movie doesn't end with this kid being the head of a cult. So then we get this next, we get this little montage of him having magic powers that starts with mom reading the newspaper. And the only reason I point that out is because the headline in 79 foot fucking font is you know minor earthquake strike small town That's front page news in the California bulletin during World War two little bit of rumbling No real damage right, but all the people are fucking like gathering around like laying hands on him like he's gonna cure their tumors now Right, and then he's he's doing his magic at his dad's picture right And so he gets a picture he gets a letter

He's been screaming at his dad's picture and the letter come through the mail slot and In it he reads it's like a telegram that says, hey he's a POW, the only way for us to, for your dad to come home is for this war to be over. Right. So he decides to declare a single-handed magic war on Japan. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's like Saruman like bringing the mountain to life.

So he asked the Japanese guy to tell him which direction west is so that he can use his magic hand powers on Japan. So which he says the Japanese guy to his credit says, Hey, don't use your mountain magic movement bullshit on my country white boy. Right. Yeah. He goes, yeah, that's a, that's where Japan is, but, you know, as long as you're doing magic, maybe, maybe point your hands toward hands toward the concentration camps in Germany. That's a little bit odd. I guess you want to help out your dad. Don't be an asshole. I feel like you're being an asshole about it. Exactly. Well, I can only make stuff blow up. All right. Well, then you might as well want

to go to Japan. Okay. They have this moment in the car where the Japanese man is just about to explain. Ergo prop to Hawk to the kid and then he's like no that's fine i don't really have time for a causality pep talk to you if you want to go stand on the docking screen what's going to happen so it's going to drop a nuke on that tower with my nephews lips there's not even a military base there don't worry it's going to be fine so but now to his credit once again hashi mode of the only likable character in this movie does tell the kid look man I was there when the earthquake happened earthquakes happen

I don't think you have magic powers and he's the only person in this movie that's willing to tell this fucking kid that and I guess again We're supposed to be like oh, yeah, don't damn naysayam trap Mr. Hashimoto when will you learn to love? Moto Wendell you will learn to love. Exactly. So he comes home and we catch mom and London in a fight. I guess the auto shop the dad owns is out of business. Well dad's out of town.

So she's trying to get a loan from Kevin James's character. London doesn't want that because he's probably pretty sure she's going to have to get it on her knees for it. Right. And they have a quick check in where they're like, hey, where's Pepper? And he's like, oh, he's down at the bridge praying for genocide. Oh, okay, cool. Just wanted to know where our son is.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. He just goes down to the doctor, magic him, a war crime. Right. And then we get another one of these scenes scenes where Hashimoto and and the Tom Wilkinson are playing cards and Hashimoto destroys Christianity in this fucking scene. Yep, you know He's basically like he's explaining to him why you should definitely not tell a child they can do magic Because he's going because look you and I know God doesn't exist

You and I know that you're lying to this kid and that God is not gonna fucking intervene and bring the fucking kids home. So, even says it like this, he's like, so when your God works in mysterious ways again and this kid's dad dies, what are you gonna fucking do then? And Tom Wilkinson's like, you know, I'm not gonna put my cards at the end of the march. You're gonna be a dick smile.

You were telling me some pushy book stories. You know, we're gonna be more of a pushy book stories. Let's go back to that. But no, he's like, well, if God is evil, then God will help him through it. Right, yeah, exactly, exactly. If God kills his son, then God will give him the power to get through heaven. Or his dad, rather, will give. Just why so many people have brought the victims of Jared to visit him in jail so he can help him work through it.

We'll probably watch in that movie next week. I would imagine so and you should have told someone earlier the Jared vocal story. So the kids going I guess every day now he's going down to the docs to scream at Japan. Right. And his psychosis inspires the whole town to gather around and watch it like this kid needs help. Right. And I wanted them to truly need to cycle. That's awesome.

He's standing around watching it. I wanted so badly for like one kid. And then all of a sudden it becomes a town tradition every morning to stay in the doc. Like a slow stream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Am I doing it right?

BAM! Also, we get this very conspicuous scene here where the town clock guy or whatever goes up to the clock and sets the time so we know exactly what time Little Boy was screaming at Japan. By the way, this this town they are gathered together constantly yeah and for weird like what these what are these people do when there's not an eight-year-old genocidal magician to watch next the die like cut over the empty theater the the owner's all pissed skitties fucking me over i bought this ten thousand cedar rena helped him discover his fucking powers

there's no one's coming to see one sure they don't have magic powers except for him this is this is the huge investment guys this is the giant stadium of of nineteen forty small california c-town so now we get to the scene we've all been waiting for uh... he it goes off to scream at Japan some more and all the people in town Start congratulating him he doesn't know yet, but they've got the newspaper that tells him that Hiroshima was new now The movie treats this like it's great that we get the kids smiling riding his bike wave and everybody in town

Like he just found his golden fucking ticket or something. Yeah, someone runs up to him and goes, listen, we have the best news. That's how they're talking about the bombing of Hiroshima. Now, this movie was not made in 1946, right? I mean, I think we should reflect on the fact that this was made like two fucking years ago. We know now, you know, like like back then it's kind of forgivable

Yeah, okay the way I mean the lower but we know what a horrible terrible fucking thing you have some type of sensitivity But no we get the kid riding around I'm gonna let it shine. I'm gonna let it shine Everyone's like yeah jumping in the air I was like oh my god if we have a cut to the fucking explosion. I'm gonna shit my pants and eat it and We're back in two We do they and we cut out directly from I'm gonna let it shine To video of nuclear explosion. Yep. It's never happened in the history of cinema before watching it is like Uh-oh

We have this moment where he's like what did i do and it's like if you did if the conceited this movie is if you did that then what you did is you killed a hundred and forty thousand you think uh... i can't terrible now it's so the the kid shows and he comes up to mommy's like it did they say what dad's coming back and the mom gives him this like probably should have just like you know the maybe sugar code it this a little bit but she's like

uh... they're saying that the bomb might not have been good for american soldiers so your dad's probably get tortured to death now but i'm thinking of myself okay wait a minute is it american POWs that were inconvenienced by that by right yeah honey i don't know that bad news about that nuclear bomb it it turns out that it pissed off the Japanese and they might not totally respect the Geneva

convictions now nuclear bomb on nuclear nuclear nuclear answer so good news and I got bad news on good news you killed 140,000 Japanese people with your miracle so awesome well done bad news Japan they're not taking it well. They're kind of not even a dick about the whole thing. It's not great for your father very negative very negative

And you got to imagine I just want to throw the Japanese people saw this movie right Japanese people saw this movie right Japanese the country of Japan existed in 2014 It means that this was someone saw this can you imagine being jab this is like this is like a holocaust celebration Right this is like if crystal knocked was in a German movie and the kid was like okay Well right now I cannot to condo sticks because divino Hey, whoa right now I can have the condo sticks because divin does It's fucking crazy and they have so little sensitivity about it They try with this next weird little nightmare scene where the boy in the bomb meat right come meet cute with a new clear

Bomb but it's not like it's not him being sorry for doing the nuclear bomb. No nuclear bomb bomb but not like it's not him being sorry for doing the nuclear bomb no nuclear bomb he's just he's just sorry that his dad is also dead yeah we see him walk by children who have been frozen into ash statues and he's like yeah too bad and then he says that he's like no right right and apparently we bomb them into black and white with a splash of red to right so bombed him right into shinler's list exactly and then we uh... then we get to hoshimoto's place he's coming home late at night and wouldn't you know it buffalo bill is there at his house with london to murder him

right for being japanese right exactly with London to murder him. Right. For being Japanese. Right. Exactly. And so they have this moment where he's like, you are told you to get out, but you didn't. And Hashimoto is like doing this to me will not bring your son back to which he gets punched once and Hashimoto begins to die. Yeah. He gets he punches him and then starts to punch him again and he's like, whoa man, whoa man, that's enough. He killed him. You've murdered this man. Well, but, and that's the other thing too, because then London

has like a pang of guilt and he won't like leave with him or whatever was to stick around. And I'm like, what did you think you were there to do? Right. Like, why do you think? Oh, were we not going to suck as Jake? I thought we were going to have a big suck. I miss red this whole moment. I am super sorry. Well, what do I do with it?

Vasily I'll blow him up you said blow him up. Oh my gosh. This is on me. You know what? I'm gonna leave this in your bathroom and it's gonna make your skin feel amazing. the uh... the way mister uh... hoshimoto he's like he's like dentist hopper in true amounts in the scene he just got ambushed by a racist to wants to murder him and he's cracking jokes about the guys dead sun he's all tough and so uh... pro harbors clever right right

right just saying don't put me a second time right coming So yeah, then we cut to the hospital with Hashimoto and like I had my nose It must have been too really hard punches cuz yeah, he's like bruised in 73 places and almost Dad the kids there to visit him looks down at his list. He's Barry the dad. He was like that wasn't pretty Heavy-handed foreshadowing wasn't it? It's like this kid thinks he needs to magically murder someone to finish the list. Right. ...and which would be an interesting close.

I wanted so badly for him to go into Hashimoto's room and be like, I'm so sorry. I need to bring Dad back and then just pillow over his face. Well, and they even suggest that because like, they cut him watching the cereal, and in the cereal, Ben Eagle has to choose between his girl and his engine sidekick, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha mom seen this time to tell him that dad is dirty and skit oh no I'm sorry that was the flashback to tell him that dad is dad dad is dead and so we get a flashback to dad apparently in a mime troop this is the weirdest interpretation of POW I've ever seen

which is where everyone's covered in talcum powder well you got to admit that they put a bunch of mime troops in a POW camp, that's that's better than waterboarding. That is a POW camp that I would not do. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So, that's probably the thing. Oh, no, we can skip this one, guys. Let's move on to the next one. They're good here. We keep waterboarding. You won't say a word. You won't say a word. We're going to get something out of them eventually. Yes, you're right. It's just stringing something about the New York coast, but New Clear coast. He seems to be stuck in a box. I don't understand. So, yeah, so the Americans bombed the POW camp that he was in. He tries to escape and we see a shot of him getting shot and then somebody steals his shoes and he's rolling on the ground.

And the shoe thing is going to pay off, but in this moment in the movie it's just weird because we see the dad die get shot and then someone steals the shoes and it's like wow insult to injury right yeah but again that that pays off right so then we know we cut to the prison where once again they're letting London out the second time he's tried to kill the same person right Jack dropped the charges yeah the charges apparently were murder I know how yeah attempted murder works yeah it'll let you just be like no it's fine it's fine really you almost killed me but then you saved me so yeah you almost you saved me from the cancel out the cancel out he has this moment with his mom where he goes mom are are you mad I tried to murder that Japanese man. She's like, no, it's not your fault

We all make mistakes Once in a while mommy tried to kill a philipina So then we get dad's funeral we get his little funeral Suit and he's crumpled up his little list and he's thrown away Alpangino's priest is wearing a lovely lace gown. It isn't even. It looks fantastic. Looks like Scarlet O'Fuckin' Harrow. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, like, it's just not a Christian movie without a funeral. So we cut to the funeral and like the kids got this, you know, the priest is looking to the kid, kids looking to the priest. And both of them are sharing this. Well, I guess you didn't have a mustard seeds were the faith and after all now did you failure and you see him being like okay wait I can save this wait there's four more things on the list I forgot to tell you about and

one of them is you got to find a peg a corn which is a Pegasus that's got a horn off fuck me got Hashimoto right. I got stuck drinking. I got to take a cab back to rehab. And also, by the way, they never addressed this. I didn't occur to me until we get back to the funeral, but London has been let out of jail multiple times now. Does that mean that T cup has to go back to being homeless or are they sleeping together or? Sorry, T T cup it was just for his list I would like being warm I know you did but you're gonna go back okay so also I want to throw out that I did cry at the the saying that bad out of the dead dad stuff okay but see here's the

thing though this is where it really started to to started to connect with me like how bizarrely good the acting was for this stupid fucking movie. Because even the little kid totally pulled it off in this scene. Yeah, absolutely. It's very manipulative, I cry. But I cry when the raccoon loses his cotton candy. So this is not a good... If you watch this movie and you thought I can't believe they're gonna make fun of it, look, it's a graveyard scene between a little kid and his dad.

Yeah, look at his dad. Everybody cry, you know, that's cheating. What I'm saying is it's cheating. They could have put a scene where a little kid cries about his dad in the middle of birth of a nation. Now I would have been like, well, yeah, he's still sad when a kid's dad dies. So yeah, right.

And then we get the kid is sitting at the dock where he apparently didn't yell at Joh Japan loud enough or he didn't ever Finally pass that out in Japan. Yeah, exactly and then Hashimoto shows up now He I guess he's trying to cheer him up But he starts telling him all this depressing shit about when his wife died. So like dude. I don't need your grief to now Do I right also Hashimoto not at all affected by the bombing of Hiroshima. No, he doesn't seem to mind like hey, um, you really fuck it up Really fucked up You know how you're like friends with me and you realize I'm a person now you just killed a hundred and forty thousand of me

So you know maybe suck on that while you pout on this So you know maybe suck on that while you pout on this Think of all the children who feel just anyway, so then the kid like he's like yeah It was stupid for me to believe in that list and instead of going like Hashimoto's character should as everything that We've been built to believe in of this character should say well It wasn't stupid for you to believe in the list It was stupid for the priest to give it to you. You're just a kid But instead he goes no no it takes courage to have faith Right, are you sure that's the word you're looking for it takes no courage to believe no None at all. That's in fact that's almost the opposite word of what you are

the belief yes And then oh and by the way just in case they didn't squeeze a tear out of you the first time we go back to the grave now so he can put his list on his dad's grave and cry some more yeah and again this is where this movie is like full-on emotional manipulation I was like please it's gonna cut to like a dead puppy in that chair Michelle Gloklyn song you crying yet?

Maybe if you cry enough, you'll forget about the Jeff stuff in the early part of the story. Oh my God. But he puts the list on his dad's grave, and he says, I did it for you. And I wanted so badly for dad to come bursting out of the ground, even though his body's not there. But I thought it wouldn't kill.

So now we've got to wrap up the whole kevin james storyline so we go back to the uh... to the doctors office where you can get his midget diagnosis they still don't know what to call his shortness thirty nine inches and i wrote the ill-boss next door so but i'll tell him you can't tell him a podcast but uh... podcast. But Kevin James wants to make it clear, you know, regardless of why his kid is so short,

he is still willing to fuck mom. He has this moment, he goes, yeah, I don't know really no to do. Maybe I could come to your house and fuck you until your son is taller. I can't see. He says like, can I come out? I have no idea what he's talking about. Not the time, bro. No, okay. I understand. Maybe we just masturbate to our dead spouses pictures together? No, look. Nothing, nothing.

We can back to back it so it's not weird if you were. But she shoots him down. She says, I will always be Mrs. James Busby and I said oh snap she told him About how she'll never love again and die alone in depressed. I guess that's a good thing I don't fucking understand these movies. It's their mic drop Yeah, don't worry because Stephen Moffat wrote this movie so we're gonna learn that the person we thought was dead isn't dead Yeah, they cheated the fuck fuck, right. She did. Now all of a sudden, dad's not dead.

And keep in mind, the old man voiceover told us he was dead. Right. Like the future and we have a- We have an unreliable Mary. Right. Right. What else is he lied to us about? Well, he lied to us about that.

Count not being a sh- Well, that's true. Yeah, we should have known better. Also, I want to point out, the movie up until this point, actually, listen, it's not a good movie, but the movie up into this point actually had the chance to make a real point about the serious consequences of war. And about- and about faith, and the problems of faith. And this is the moment where the movie takes any meaning it possibly could have had and crumbles it up and throws it in the garbage and is like ice cream counts and happiness it reminds what we did

to those people in Japan right so apparently they thought he was dead because the guy who stole his boots got killed and then his dog tags were on his boots but it turns out he actually survived getting shot uh... and they find out that they go to see him at the veterans hospital or whatever and we get the voiceover again with the suspect bullshit voiceover says father all over gave his religion credit for my dad not being dead although he would have not taken the blame if my dad was dead Right he wouldn't it he certainly when we thought he was dead didn't come up and tell me that God dropped the ball

Now that I think about this story it's kind of fucked up what he did to me. I Should call him There was also salty tube with my eyes. I know it's fine, it's fine. So we should totally do that. That should be our thing. We should just do narrations for Christian movies that don't have narrations. But they all have narrations, dammit.

So then we get like dad sees him. Now dad's like pretty fucked up. He's, you know, they're saying like, you know, he hasn't spoken or whatever since he's been back but dammit wouldn't you know it PTSD can be cured by a little kid hugging a pair of boots that you wanted PTSD and head trauma cured by love that's how that works yeah exactly oh and then he looks at the dad looks up at his mom says I remember you being hotter but whatever everyone lives happily ever after and then here's the part they don't show you dad looks up at his mom says i remember you being hotter but whatever

everyone lives happily ever after that uh... here's the part they don't show you uh... three days later naga sockie gets bombed while pepper sleeping in the town goes back to hating him for being it's a surprise you know and there's another earthquake to yeah well he's out of town alright well i i say that this at the end of a lot of these movies but i don't know that it's ever been

as appropriate a question or that i've ever been as genuinely curious what the fuck is the moral of this story and that if you have faith events will unfold in a chaotic and unpredictable fashion that often doesn't work out well for anyone and what the world one of motion are we supposed to even walk away with from this move war is sad I mean, what the... What emotion are we supposed to even walk away with from this movie?

War is sad, unless it's for Japanese. Is that it? Did I get it? Two points. I win. I guess the lesson is, don't let delusional kids pray for stuff because it works. Unless you want a nuclear attack, in which case you should let to do the Luzon kids pay for stuff because it works yeah I so want the sequel with fat man there'd be a much better fucking story that's the story of T.com oh

right on right on yeah they were all right out to the garage he goes and stands on the dock and yells he thinks he's yelling at the garage he thinks the sun is the garage okay then they bomb Oh, fun fact. OK. Interesting. It's a deleted scene. Oh, right, gotcha. All right, so now that we know all the geological powers

of random hand gestures, we can't afford to risk all the Japanese civilians of thumbs down might cause. So instead, we're going to have to rate this thing by analogy once again. So Heath, I'm going to give you the obvious one here. All right. If this movie was a war crime, what war crime would it be? All right. Well, my first thought is mustard seed gas, but that's not exactly another word for faith.

Well, let's see. Well, Holocaust, I want to say Holocaust, but that doesn't quite describe it either. Double Holocaust, two Holocausts, because again, yeah, the moral of the story To holocausts don't make a right. Wait. No, they do make a right to holocaust make a right. That's more like squaring and negative I always forget that that's the movie in a nutshell and Eli if little boy and magic soccer ball girl from the last movie got into a fight who wins and why? boy and magic soccer ball girl from the last movie got into a fight who wins and why uh... i'm gonna call it a technical tie because uh...

she would give him that decoder fannings cancer but then he would scream at her and all of nine eleven would happen so you know you know it's balance out she ended up working at the towers is it well right i mean if she touches him that she's actually the short that she gets yet she turns into a midget and then they both 9-11 together I don't know I get the feeling doing these two in a row that we're ramping up for a really lame pint-sized

Christian of vendgers crossover Fucking awesome. I guess that's gonna do it for our review a little boy But that's not gonna do it for the episode quite yet since we haven't teased you about next week's show yet So Eli tell us what's on deck. What would Jesus do? The movie not the annoying phrase. Not movie. Not the bumper sticker. Yeah. So we're just gonna review the bumper sticker. I love it. No, I gotta say we the preview for this one is everything you want in a shitty Christian movie preview I like I said to heat this into the show I'm like oh god that's so what I need after all this high production

Love little boy. This should be great basically a Christian drifter with a heart of gold helps save a town from an evil casino developer It's like Christian Jack Reacher Just remember you wanted this. Great, great. I hope there's had months now. Yeah, so with that, the Loverner Herzog still bites off his own thoughts. I have a fantastic story.

I met Werner Herzog. He's a mutual friend of a friend at a party and everyone was sort of surrounding him and bothering him and bothering him and so finally he got sort of pushed over to me and he just looked Tired and upset and I wrote I went hey man. I want you to know I really you were in Jack Reacher, right? And he had this moment and he goes I've gotten my laugh out of Werner Herzog. Awesome. Well, I'm so amazed. I did not think that we were going to be able to end this episode on a high note But we could so quick. Let's let's bring episode Black Jack to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, and the sceptra crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slattnikov-Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the links on

the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath, then, right, Neely and Bosnick, I'm No Illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close. Don't you, good day to be gone. You can do it, good to be dead, a pain to pain to be dead. Bye. Hashimoto was murdered later that day by London,

the guy that kept trying to kill him that they didn't press charges against. London was found guilty and sentenced to 20 R-Fathers with a possibility of parole after 12. Little Boy convinced by his priest that he was personally responsible for the bombing of Hiroshima, took his own life when he got old enough to understand what nuclear explosion meant. Little Boy's dad's tumor was cleared by his head trauma, and upon realizing his wife looked like a fucked-all-made-of-beef jerky, he took his own life.

A number of people are going to die! I'm gonna run out of food now! Take our job! Ha ha ha ha! Hahaha.