God Awful Movies - 213: Rocky V

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

On this week's episode, Andrew Torrez joins us to discuss the notoriously faith-based film "Rocky V", in which Heath and Eli swear up and down that they're not just going off assignment because Noah was taking the weekend off. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. That awful movie! I'm your host, Heathen, right? And sitting 500 miles to my left in Washington, DC's safety city, Baltimore, Maryland is my good friend, Andrew Torres. Andrew, welcome back.

He he. Thanks for having me. I can say that I am genuinely not prepared to murder you and Eli this time. You loved it. It was like a baby. You loved every second of it to hear it. Great film. And sitting 600 miles to my left in New York's Danger suburb in

New Jersey is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How's it going, buddy? I'm amazing, Keith. I need to seek out more of this artistic content. I need Picasso painting while he had diarrhea. I need Beethoven's symphony that like, you got a really bad flu during and just sort of like banged out the end halfway. I need more of this art. I need it. We're just sliced alone, right? It's a symphony.

And you have which. Yeah. And you tell us Andrew. What are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Rocky V, the search for more money. I don't know if this was misguided penance from last time where you destroyed literally everything I hold dear in the universe or what, but heath, I told you we were supposed to watch Rocky 4. Yeah, we were. We really, really were. Yup.

And I did, actually. And Eli, we also watch Rocky V. How bad was that movie? Well, if you loved Rocky, you will hate this movie. But if you loved to hate movies, you'll fucking love it. If Sly could write as well as he speaks, he would write Rocky V. And he can. And he did. So I think it's vital when anyone discusses the masterpiece that is Rocky V. People know the backstory. So the backstory was, so Vester Stallone had signed a like six movie contract

and he did like Cobra and kick pushers and punch fighter or whatever it was. And he was just like short a movie. And they were like, how about Rocky 5? And he was like, but the whole movie is over. There's nothing to do any movies about it anymore. And they were like, come on, you owe us a movie. We gave you the money. You have to do a movie. So he wrote Rocky five. And the first draft he wrote, at least according to the trivia on IMDB, is the darkest like grim dark telling of the Rocky story. He loses like his first bat. And then he just gets sicker and sicker and the movie ended with him dying. So he went on vacation, a scriptwriter did all. Yeah, a scriptwriter did all the cocaine in Philadelphia. And this was the script that was

waiting for him two days before shooting. Wow, wait, so still own like, Sorted didn't write all this. Sorted didn't, apparently he wrote parts of it, but he wrote huge chunks of this were not written by him and he only found out about them two days before he was supposed to film them. See, that's what happens when you don't let the genius writer that is sliced alone do the whole script. I want to know that script writer whose epitaph will read, his scripts are kind of a step down writings wise from slice.

Oh man. This is so what you're saying is we could have had cobra too instead of this movie. You could have had cobra too. I say that's so awesome. Okay. Next week. All right. And anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst

at? Well, I don't want to pick a this one for being the best of being the worst at. Well, I don't want to pick a low hanging fruit here and go with a best worst plot hole. We'll get to that. Yeah, you do. But how about the one that appeals to the lawyer and me? I always stop the film whenever whenever we have the, the little spinning newspaper headlines. This has the best worst fake newspapers. They're amazing. They are worth the price of admission. I didn't stop it for the fake newspapers. Oh, you missed out. You

missed out. There's a suicide note by sly in there. It's pretty bad. Normally I do that. Okay. We'll get there. All right. Well, I'm going to go with best worst. This 100% counts as a Christian movie. No illusions. You're going to yell at us when you come back from your vacation. This counts. There's so many moments confirm this. We'll point him out as we go, but I want to do one other one. Best worst wildly depressing cast.

So I thought Rocky's kid and over the top was a bad actor. That was nothing. This is his real son that we get in this movie playing Rocky's son. That's sage moon blood Stallone real name. Yep. And he is Alma from the book of Mormon. It's just 90 minutes. Absolutely. He is. And that kid in real life actually died of probably a drug overdose in 2012. Really dark. Grand Comma tag.

That's a great comedy tag. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to. I got three refs. What are you talking about? This movie was terrible. The AIDS crisis ravaged the 1980s.

All right. Well, I'm going to get to that in a second. The other main character, let's not get ahead of ourselves. The other main character other than sliced alone is Tommy Gunn, Rocky's protege. And he's played by a real life boxer named Tommy Morrison, who had AIDS and died in 2013. Oh my God. I was kidding. So did you, you were joking?

Why? Why did you build this into your comedy? Why did you, uh, foreshadow it by accident? I feel like yours is weirder. So yeah, that's real. Tommy Morrison was heavyweight champ of, I think the WBO in 1993. But then got diagnosed with HIV in 96. And then he spent the rest of his life saying it was a false positive. And claim, well, that was the first excuse he made. He wanted to keep boxing. So he said

false positive. And then he claimed that he actually got cured of HIV, which is not a thing, sadly, but he said they should let him fight, but nobody would give him a boxing license. Obviously, at one point, the boxing commission in Quebec was like, yeah, all right. I guess we'll talk about this. You just passed a public HIV test and you're good. And Morrison was like, no. But somehow he actually did manage to get a couple more fights in his career.

No idea how that worked. But he was way past his prime at that point and also tragically dying. So he never made any more real money. So. Wow, it's just comedy. I'm Andrew, I believe. And then he died.

Welcome to our comedy show. I must be looking at an old version of the notes. Oh, you know what? In the new version, it does say I will talk about an AIDS victim and his horrible struggle of denial and painful death. Yeah, okay, there we go. See, I had best worth sequel. Perfect.

Yeah. So segue, what's your next joke, Eli? I had, I'm gonna go with best worst sequel. Now, look, that's saying a lot. Return of Jafar is out there. Emperor's new group three is out there. Frozen two is on its way, but I give Rocky five best worst sequel. I'll say it. Wow. Yeah. I did. I did the math. Rocky five equals die hard to

plus Robocop three. It does. It's just the math. That's the math. That's just the math. I actually love this movie. I don't know. I just I don't care because it was like it was Rocky would be on channel 11 on repeats. It like Monday through Friday, rocky one through five. And I was happy on Friday. Still it didn't matter. Like Thursday was the best. Obviously, but I was still happy.

It's amazing in its mediocrity. There's moments of the genius that was rocky in it to make you long for the olden days. And then you usually shot for shot rep it. Well, including the exact movies they were just like, there you go. Yeah, it also ends in a Ted Cruz ejaculation like manner, right? It's just like, and then the movie was over. It's fucking incredible. I can't wait to talk about it.

I can't wait for Rocky 8 with Ted Cruz. That'll be fun. Why do you torture me? All right, well, we're going to take a quick break, but I certainly didn't hear no bell. So we'll be back for however many rounds it takes to capture the genius of Rocky 5. Hey, everybody, it's me, Kurt Cobain. And me, Jimmy Hendrix. You know, we've had a lot of fun today, but it's important to remember that if you're a great

artist, you have got to die young. That's right, Kurt. Die young means never making a fifth part in anything, literally ever in any music never a fifth part that you have to make it means never doing a super bowl half-time show sponsored by Pringles But mostly it means dying at exactly the right time so that your legacy stays intact and I'm Ted dancing Hey check me out this month on the celebrity roast of Alec Baldwin Okay, I mean technically I was murdered by Courtney Love, but he's, he's, he's joking. And I know legally speaking, yes. But reality speaking, yeah. And we're back. And we're going to start off with clips from the amazing movie that very

much ended right before this movie started. Just like to tease us. This is the first scene of Rocky 5. And it's just like, see? Huh? Remember Rocky 4? How great was that? You asked for this. This is your fault. I mean, you know what doesn't hold up. Rocky IV. I'll say it right. Okay. And now I am prepared to be alive. Yeah. No. Rocky IV is cinematic perfection. And I will hear nothing to the contrary. Okay. The literal montage we see is no pain, no pain, punch, punch. Okay. A little bit of pain. And he doesn't he can take all those punches and then just it's his turn to punch and then he wins okay man you know I'm starting

to realize why I sucked so much at punch out right like I watch a lot of rocky for and the whole like no no no no just keep punching don't worry about defense that strategy didn't work when you hit ball bowl works in rocky for that's how you beat a Russian yeah so I actually googled this it's in the IMDB trivia of semester alone except it has like a tag of like in question. According to Sylvester Stallone in an interview he thought of it as his remake of the thriller and Manila fight which I love because it means that Sylvester Stallone thinks Muhammad Ali strategy was get punched a bunch. Sure.

Well, kind of like the whitest person ever. You called it the thriller. That's right. The thriller. I, but I can't say. You can say thriller. I absolutely cannot. I cannot.

Hi, Gam listeners. I'm going to now give you two readings. I'd like you to we're going to have us. We're starting Twitter, Paul. Just, uh, you dropped a hard ER hard ER just now. Would you prefer that I call it the thriller in Manila or the thriller in Manila? Not for me. Big it for the question mark was a hate. Big it. Big it for the. That's you. You have to. Andrew, are you keeping big it score for this episode? Well, that's your one. I wanted secret answer. See the punchy

thing in the Philippines. But why does all the boxing stuff have to rhyme like that? They always do like, why couldn't it be like, they're going to have to force it. It's going to be like the punch and in-munch and munic. It's, you know, a man. German speaking English. The other problem is like a lot of boxing happens in Madison Square Garden and that is not an easy run. Right.

The high art and the garden. Smart and nope. Far from, you know, we're smart. Don't you, who said fart and take this seriously, guys? 24 million dollars about it. All right. So we watch a little bit of Rocky IV, which whether or not you were born before or after 1985 is either a great movie or a terrible four or the greatest moving on. Yeah. And we cut to what you were all we're hoping for when you

watch Rocky IV. Hey, did all that getting punched in the head give him any brain damage? Well, we get that, you mean that shower scene? Yeah, him shaking in the shower. Oh my God. Yeah. So this is clearly still on being like, I know you know, the shower scene for Christ to do. I want that.

Uh, you know, you know, my shower leans that I do. I want a long shot of that. And it's just him leaning in the shower and then having a breakdown, which was terrifying because he's just like, I need shower help. I get Adrian, please help. Yeah, it's definitely from the original script, but I'm sorry to interrupt you. Andrew, you have a fascinating note here, and I need to know more of it. Do you want to tell us what you mean by little

known facts? The Lones lawyer has a mandatory ass clause. What? Yeah. Every Stallone movie, you've got to have a lingering shot on Sylvester Stallone's ass. Oh, so I want that to be true. So officially, there's a lawyer with the worst job than me. So check that one off early. There you go. Ass shot. So yeah, we get the glorious can't stop shaking scene. We were all hoping to end Rocky for it was it was just way too real. You know what I mean? This is like this clearly stolen real life just being like, I don't know what's happening. Tell you a shy or maybe like, my career is like a weepy shower now. It's my mouth angle keeps getting crazier, the eights over.

It's technically longitudinal now. Anyway, so the plane arrives back from Russia and he has a marching band waiting for him, but he's just there to see his son. Yeah, saying the plane arrived back from Russia, that's a little generous of the scene. This is really like the Soviet Republic of Green Screenestan that 400 dots per mile image of a plane kind of gently cruises across as if animated by an Apple 2GS. This is where we get introduced to the greatest character in the movie, which is the press score.

The press score in Rocky 5 are without question the protagonist of the movie. Yeah, they are very well organized. They heckle them so well and like coordinated. They know their shit. Yeah, I have 11 different notes and it throughout this, which are all basically like, can we give the press core from Rocky five? Just like hand put them in charge of CNN right now. Like everything related to the Mueller report, be like, yeah, let's let these guys tackle it. We've to change the whole world. Absolutely. Would have been over in two months. Ted Cruz would be president right now. So yeah, they ask him questions like, are Russian people human? And is there any truth that getting punched in the head is not great for you. But then evil Don King shows up with his own mic that is plugged into the sound system for some reason.

How did he hack? Did he hack into, he has a wireless mic too, like he set up his own PA? I don't know. It's like Mr. Microphone, it's, you know, you're gonna look at it. And this character is 50% Jackie Child Charles from Seinfeld and 50% Donkin. Like 19, 19, Johnny Cochran too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Jackie Charles, yeah. But I love

like this was literally like you could feel this being the trailing seconds of when it was okay to have an obviously racist caricature of Don King in your movie. I don't know. Well, we should be fair. We should explain that all of the Rocky movies are for fearful white people, right? So like Rocky one is because of Muhammad Ali and then they were like, what do you mean it was a tie? So there was Rocky two and then they were like, what about the Mr. Key looking one?

So there was Rocky three and then they were like, we're afraid of rushing down. There's like Rocky four and then they were like, let's just one so Jake got away with it. So this brings us to Rocky. Well, you think that was a tie that ending of Rocky one? Apollo, Apollo clearly got that punch in first. Are you serious? Read a fucking book.

Yeah, that's a, that's a loss. Rocky one is a loss. That's a loss. One wins. He wins. He is a tie. That's a lot. One wins. He wins. He is a tie. Oh my God. He did it. Adrian.

You don't like. I would say I did it. Why would he end the movie? Why would he end the movie if he was like, Adrian, I did it. He won't be lost. Yup. What does that mean?

If he was a street brawler that no one gets. Yes. Everybody thought he was going to be served up like those like eight guys that Mike Tyson knocked out in a combined 37 seconds and he went all 12 rounds. Right. The loss is a win. It's deeper than you think. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I would like to apologize. This is Rocky. One is obviously the perfect metaphor for the boomers. It's losing and then celebrating it because you didn't lose as badly as you thought you would. Hey, Noah's on vacation this week.

There are no boomers on this call. What generation are you? I'm millennial, just like you. Yeah, exactly. No, absolutely not. I'm a zenial, first of all. I'm not. That's just something millennials made up to try not to be millennials.

And it exists now. And can we talk about this press conference, right? Like this movie, yeah, the movie I forgot. Sorry. It's supposed to be, it's supposed to be set two minutes after Rocky Four ends, never minding the fact that it's, you know, five years later in real time. They're throwing this press conference in an airplane hanger that could easily fit. I'm going to say 87,000 people and they've got like 12 guys. It's like, Hey, Rocky, you single handedly won the Cold War. Uh, sorry, we've got like me and my neighbor here to ask you and heckckle you about not fighting. You have brain damage. Question mark. That's a weird. That's a weird question. But yeah, the donkink shows up and he's like, oh, Rocky, you're very clearly still covered

in bruises. Tell us, are you going to fight this guy who I brought with me? We'll never have any other effect on the movie. Fight him now. Right now, say yes or no. Now, now, three, two, one. Now, tell me his name is Mac Guffin. He really needs to get in and punch you. A little Mac Guffin. I just want to point out that the first objection, one of the reporters makes to challenging someone to a boxing match. The moment they get back with obvious injuries is, come on, he's, he's jet lagged. Yeah. And, and Rocky won't take the fight right away. And then another reporter is like, all right, well, we, here's my heckling flow chart. Rocky, don't you have to answer all

questions immediately? Isn't that a rule of questions? And Rocky's like, you see what I did there. Oh my God. Yeah. And then press gorgeous, rabble, rabble, the moment he pauses, there's a rabble, rabble, rabble. So then we cut to Rocky arriving home to his mansion in his limo. Yeah, put a pin in that. And there's this weird moment when they get out of the limo where he's like dancing with Adrian and like, making, I'm going to fuck you super hard jokes. And the sun is looking at them with the appropriate amount of horror for a teenage boy watching his parents in the scene. Yeah.

And he actually asks Paulie, who is again, this is Bert Young, who is also has severe brain damage, like in reality. And he's like, Hey, Paulie, just anything strange about my dad, he just, he seems attracted to Talia Shire. And a shower crying. Has he been doing any of that? Yeah. Yes. My biggest disappointment with the scene is, again, this is supposed to be a direct continuation of Rocky IV. When they left, there was like 11 minutes clearly showing how Rocky had a wacky robot in his mansion.

And that robot is gone from this movie. And I never get that yet. It's true. I really wanted to know. You know, they couldn't get the wacky robot back. And I never get that yet. It's true. The wacky. They couldn't get the wacky robot back. He wouldn't sign the contract. He had all sorts of riders and stuff. I watched the VH one behind the movies.

It's really, I don't want to go into it. I don't want to spread, spread gossip out of turn, doing something with Hugh Jackman. It's a big project. I can't. While we're talking about Uncle Polly, can we talk about the shift of Polly from Rocky one to Rocky five? Okay, here's the thing. The character of Polly and Rocky one is this sort of like abuser slash misunderstood, like sort of pseudo villain who's keeping Adrian and Rocky apart. He's really complex. And somewhere between Rocky three and Rocky five.

But it definitely didn't totally start in Rocky five. So Vester Stallone was like, yeah, Uncle Bully, he's like the fun, super cool sidekick. So the guy who like punched Adrian and then told her she was a whore and kicked her out of the house and movie one is now like uh-oh Bully done guns spelled all this candy nibbles

It's a weird direction that the character's gone in in this film. Yeah, I wouldn't say misunderstood I understand it's just bad Bad right? You don't think there's an uvro we're missing out on here. No, okay. No So now it's time for him to go into his son's room, which it turns out is Half art studio now spoiler alert. This will never matter But it will also be one of the craziest scenes in the movie Rocky just walks it and he's like was

Drawing is amazing. It's like colors just come out of your fingers. Sounds like, yeah, it's crayons. Are you okay? Are you? Sylvester Stallone, the real actor. Are you okay? My real dad or before that young man can call cut, he reaches two pictures down and the young man has drawn. Hentai, poor, he's drawn Hentai boy. Yeah, we talk about it. It is definitely his French teacher.

If his French teacher were Jessica Rabbit. Yeah, exactly. And make it. Yeah, bless. Yeah, bless. Topless. Exactly. I think that was implied by, anyway, sorry, naked French teacher.

I'm giving away too much of, yeah. And it just ends with like, that's healthy. Good night. Yeah. That literally that is it. And it will never be brought up in the movie again. He's like, look at you, young man and his boobs. All right. Bye bye. The phrase, this will never come up in the movie again. Could, could be used a lot in this movie. That's true. If you go through this movie the way you watch Memento, it's a lot easier to watch. I'll just tell you that.

And speaking of which, no one in case you're listening, this is where he tells his son that having a son is like being born again. Christian movie totally counts can't get mad at us. Yep. Can't get mad at us. Yep can't get mad at us So just as he comes down from his son's room. It's time for the poly did something bad with signatures and now they have no money see guy

Andrew Tell me if this is our no no, okay, it's a no Tell me if this is how we're no, so no, no. Okay, it's a no. Yeah, because I signed stuff you gave me. It's really important. I just want to, I want a floating no to answer all of the legal questions. This is blanket, nope. Yeah, so everything in this movie.

We're to believe that Pauli gave power of attorney to their shady accountant and the accountant like stole all their money and bought a house in Barbados or a hotel in the crib or something like that. So doesn't that mean that that Paulie had power for turning? It, it, it, well, you can't transfer a thing you don't have. So yes. And also that's fucking Rocky's fault. No, P.

You get power for turning to a dumb alcohol. And and also like again, pieces of paper are not magic, right? Like the whole like, uh oh, use, use sign because the movie literally says like, well, you thought you were signing an extension on your taxes, but you were actually signing over power of attorney to like that, that's what we call fraud. Classic. Sign the paper, tape it to a different document.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that doesn't, that doesn't work. And one of the attorney to come over and like unplug Rocky's life support, I don't need any of that. Yeah. You know, I got power of attorney as a figure. And, and, and you know, if you're robot and a mansion

rich, like you have insurance, right? Like this is that you, Rocky be fine, but, but we have to rewind everything to 1975 for this movie to work. So yeah, yeah, because otherwise the plot of this movie is Rocky, you got to fight this boy or coward. Oh, no. All right, then enjoy the mansion robot. Bitch, go ahead and die right now. You've peaked, I would say. So we cut to the lawyer's office where the lawyer again is explaining that the accountant

because he signed the paper and paper is magic. The accountant wasn't paying their mortgage. He was shredding the money and using it to grow giant hamsters. Oh, no. Yeah. And the obvious like Covington and Burling, you know, lawyer here, senior partner in a civil law firm says, I have filed eight criminal lawsuits against the, no, no, you haven't not, not unless you're secretly moonlighting is the district attorney asshole. I am.

This is great. Just turn it into a wonderful movie as well. So we're telling two birds with one stone here. It says, lawyerly as it is Christian. Also, I don't know why they bring this up in the movie. He's like, I mean, maybe I could do some commercials and they're like, no, nobody would want the heavyweight boxing champion of the world to do commercials who just defeated Russian and the international match that the entire world was watching.

You, what are you going to sell a plug-in grill that grills all the fat? I don't work for a boxer. Yeah. So instead, he talks to Andrea about how he might just have to fight that black guy. And she's like, no, you can't fight. You have to go to a doctor. Right. But the lawyer is like, well, I don't know, man.

Literally, the only thing you could do at this point is another sequel. That's all you can do. That's it. Yeah, I'm just rocky. At this point, I thought the lawyer is going to be like, yeah, it looks like you're out of options. You have to do rocky six. Oh no, so terrible. So he answered the doctor at Adrian's encouragement.

Um, and this doctor is showing him his brain on, I wanna say an Atari two? Oh, an Atari two. What, what of Tories do you think there were, you like? I don't know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know. I know you had like calculators and then computers and then you were all in charge of the world. And it was terrible. Yeah. Well, whatever it is, the doctors like, okay, do you see the, the big skull and crossbones on your brain scan right there. See how the inside of your brain is like, SpaghettiOs, that's bad.

That's a, it's a condition boxers get. It's called shitty brain. And you have that. What's amazing is there's a doctor translator. He's like, yes, you have Himadola, some Hila of the scramulist. And then the other doctor's like, sorry, let me put this in terms of understand.

Brain punch man. Good. Also, they have an eye chart on there. The other doctor's like, sorry, let me put this in terms to understand brain punch man. Also, they have an eye chart on their wealth. That's you do. Right. But Rocky wants a second opinion and he says, well, maybe the doctor's wrong. Only God ain't wrong. And one again, Christian movie, totally counts. And the whole point is like, yeah,

you're not going to be allowed to get licensed to fight. Like now we've diagnosed you with shitty brain. You can't box now. It's not like Tommy Morrison, but it's still bad. It's your bad. And there's this weird moment in the scene where they're like, okay, well, obviously you're not going to be licensed to box. And he, he like pulls Adrian in and whispers in her here. And she like, like, she's got a shy toddler. She's like, Rocky would like to know that you won't tell anybody about his bad brain. And they're like, yeah, no, we're doctors.

We won't. Yeah. She says, can this doctor's visit be confidential? And they're like, yeah, now that you said the word confidential, yes. Cool. And spoiler, it won't be. No, it will not. So now we cut over to Rocky selling a mansion and all of his very fancy belongings, but somehow not making any money at Christie's auction house. You're doing fine. If you sell stuff at Christie's fucking auction house, if you sell your belongings at Christie's

auction house and you don't come out in the black, something weird happened. Yeah. Also, we have this weird scene. So the sun is like moping on the motorcycle because he's lost a motorcycle in the auction. But they're trying to do this like, come on kid, the motorcycle has been sold. But the extra or the under five is way too enthusiastic. So like he like side tackles the kid off the motorcycle. He's like, get the fuck off the bag. It's not you somewhere. This was just salt. The Jean look Picard get the fuck out of It, in fairness, the kid is 100% being an asshole here, right?

Like that, if you, if you accept the insane plot of this movie that they're now broke and they have to sell all their stuff to make ends meet, like the, but I wanted to sit on this motorcycle that I'm four years too young to ride. Like, fucking kid, like, we're gonna, we're gonna put dinner on the table and you're gonna like it. You know where you can cry? for people can cry wherever they want.

Wherever they want as hard as they want. And because this movie hadn't gotten insanely nostalgic enough, we're now going to cut to Sylvester Stallone, changing into his costume from Rocky 1, as though we wouldn't remember this was a Rocky movie without it. I got you know, I, I, I really like, but like, this is kind of good filmmaking here, right? Like, they're, they're, they're in the attic and they're reenacting shot for shot, a scene from 15 years ago to emphasize like how old Rocky is now. I guess this is, is these two old to fight now? I wait, wait, I'm sorry. I think I've accidentally slipped into self parody here, right?

Like this is like this like Arthur Dent appreciating the Vogue on poetry, right? Like to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor. Oh, God. I'll stop. It's a nice moment though. I agree. Cause Adrian walks in the attic and she's like, Hey man, you wearing your clothes from 70s? Are you Norman baitsing yourself?

What the fuck is happening? I'm into it. If you want to get into it, let's get into it. Let's get into it. And they do. They kind of do. Because they do a little role play. Yeah, they actually do that.

Rocky's like, oh, hey, look, it's just a glass. It's the first time I kissed you. I took these glasses off. Can you put them on so I can immediately take them back off? Take them off you. Yeah, but it was weird because I had like a slice to loan feeling in here where it was like, look, look, remember how good your performance was?

How you sort of shy and sort of alienated the trope of the dams. Yeah, right. Remember how good you were. And now you just sort of like a totally different person. Amazing movie. What? For no reason, you're just like loud and bossy.

Let's make Godfather three. That's going to go great. Absolutely. Yeah. I know just the lady just started it. So yeah, so Rocky moves back home to the slums because... Yes, of course. Nothing between multi-millionaire mansion and the exact house you were living in when

you met your wife five years ago. How long this is a great question. Thank you. What year is it in this movie? What year is it in this? How much time is passed in the Rockyverse TM? I don't know. At this point in the movie.

Yeah, what do you fight like what? Once a year, if you're like a heavyweight boxer. So this should be like 1981, right? Right. Right. When you're at the top, you can fight a couple of times a year, right? Maybe a couple of times.

Yeah. Like Holyfield caught a couple of times a year. So there's the seven. This is kind of works then, right? All right. And I mean, that fits with the weirdly large amount of smoking cigarettes also in the mean. Oh, my God. There's a lot.

Yeah. Stone starts the scene with a cigarette and it's, he's holding it in his mouth, which he should not do with his weird, crazy mouth shape because he's going in there. It's going in there. Yeah, that exaggerates the insane angle, like the lit parts face and back into his face now. And yeah, he's burning his chin with it. Yeah.

There's no nothing on that chin in 12 years. He's like hanging out at the old dive bar. A glass jaw would work for that actually. Yeah, he says. Turns out that dive bars aren't fun. Once you've been anywhere else and I was like, I'm the guy in the dive bar. What are you talking about?

Okay, I literally wrote in my notes, Q. Heath saying that his dive bar is still. Fuck you. No, he's right. You're in my notes. I am. I like you. That's it. That's not you just typed that now. Check the version history. It's an amazing bar. So now it's time for Burgess Meredith. Okay. Wonder allowed in this movie. Why is in this movie?

Was he still I think he was just barely still alive, but they couldn't get him to act. So they just used flashbacks of him only. Is that what happened? Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, that's so sad. Yeah. And there at is they're at Mickey's old gym, which is Rocky's only remaining possession because

of magic paper. Yeah. Yeah. It's where we, uh, he says he left you one muguffin. But yeah, this is the, this is the flashback to the getting the cuff link of Marciano and the get up your son of a bitch because Mickey loves ya. And again, I just want to point out how insane this scene is in contrast to the rest of this movie. It would be like if did you fuck my wife was in the middle of mighty ducks to slap shot. This what happens when you find a guy in the Alps.

Yeah. Also a question about this gym. So before they closed it down, they brought in a good deal of rubble. Why would you do that? There was an earthquake at the sale. So bring in empty cans that are crushed and rubble and like also, they like, they left one box in glove on the floor. So like, and heavy bag. Yeah. And so they're leaving this place and they were like, should we take all the gloves? Now, there's like, no, I'm gonna leave one glove on the floor.

I'm gonna dust it up with some rubble too. So it's, yeah. And yeah, and that's when we get the flashback to Mickey. So now it's time for some 1980s wrap. Get ready, everybody. This is a rocky moving back into his old house, Monkage, accompanied by rap that I'm gonna throw it out there is less good than anything the three of us on this podcast

are able to do. I love this rap. I like that all the time. I'm a rap. You don't like that early. I loved when I was as good as all the rappers, but I think the times come. No, but look back.

We clear eyes and open hearts. Yeah. At at at apropos of absolutely nothing in this movie about how much it sucks to be super famous, make a ton of money, lose a ton of money, and then have to move back. MC Hammer wrote two songs for this movie. Oh God, was it really MC Hammer?

Yeah, I really love it. Not this one. Not this one. This was good. Yeah, this was just like rap rap rap rap. Rap rap rap. And it's like? Yeah, I really love it. Not this one, not this one. Not this one, not this one, this one's good. Yeah. This was just like, rap, rap, rap, rap. And it's just like, it's so, I get so excited. I, with you, I get listened to run DMC like from now until the day I die.

Old rap's amazing. You can hear them taking breaks and messing up. Yeah, it's the best. It's the 1980s incarnate in rap form. So yeah, he's, he's like getting ready and packing away and everything. And then he's also warning his son that now that he has to go to public school, he better be ready for the hustle, the scam, the slip and slide. Yeah, yeah, it's, he's clearly explained. Yeah, basically like got to be smart on the street or else you guys hustle you.

Morgan, I'm gonna say much slower words right here. It's kind of like so many retakes after a slur. 100%. Oh, yeah. So, and, and, right. And the dichotomy is that the sun is supposed to be really smart. So they want to put like the polysyllabic vocabulary words in the mouth of sage Stallone. But all they can come up with is the word intent. And so the vast rest of the load is like, oh man, the 10. We got we got we got a fucking Shakespeare over here.

Like, look at this. Say T scores. Can we get one still max. The word is one. Also, this is where they do the back-and-forth home team thing. But either he doesn't understand his dad or the line doesn't make sense because he's like, what are we? And the kids like, what? And I want it so badly for Slide to be like, sorry, who am I? I have severe brain damage. Yeah. Yeah. And he's keep saying this throughout the movie and nobody gets it. So right here is like, whoa. And in real life, I'm quite certain the kids just like,

what, oh, home, home team is it? Because you keep saying that. I don't feel like you want me to say it again. Home team is a weird catch phrase to introduce A in part five of your movie sequence that has never been there before and be in a boxing movie. Right. Like, that's not a thing. I'm not.

What are we? What are we? The touchdowns. That's right. I don't know. It's a boxing movie that has turn-based punching. So maybe the home team is like the bottom of the nine. Yeah.

You get to punch. Yeah. That's fair. Rocky does get to punch last. That's like a rule. Yeah, it could be like corner kicks that get to a soccer comparison. But there's really not a baseball factor. So, so he gives his son a ver, the first of many, many sensual kisses on the mouth. That he gives him. It's, it's, it's a lot. It's a lot. And there's And we're going to get to the next scene, but there's just one tiny moment I want to touch on. It's the crazy fat child that he walks past on its way. Can we talk about this child? I don't know what happened, but just this extra they hired.

He's just, he's crazy. He's giant. He's the safe of marshmallow, man. And he's just staring directly into camera. He was like, they said, we peaked at the movie. And then the camera cuts away from him. Like, they were like, shit, did you promise that guy beats a Rick? God, damn it. Now we got to make easy writer too. Also, we meet the bullies real quick here. The kid walks into school and we see two bullies start fucking with him. And one of them is E from entourage. That's Eric.

That's so goddamn perfectly that E from entourage would be the shh. The opposite of the bull in this movie. Rocky five. Yep. Yeah. I just, I just have these kids as discount co-braquies for the rest of the movie. But yeah, well, there you go. That's some good description about trash. But now we're like 30 minutes into the movie. So it's time to meet the plot again. Also, this is, uh, this is Tommy Gunn, a young, up and coming boxer who came to the big city of Philadelphia to ask Rocky to train

him. Yeah. He's, he like stalks him on the street. Somehow he knows where he's going and he like waits on like a lamp post because Rocky's going to like walk out of building that he knew was there. Maybe it was Mickey's gym. I don't know. But Tommy gun. Well, let's be realistic. Tommy Morrison, the boxer who's trying to act here, shows up for his first line way to fucking really like there. Because Paulie and Rocky are talking and they're still finishing several more lines. But Tommy gun gets there and he stands there forever. So they have to pretend this enormous guy with a mullet isn't standing there not saying

inches from their face inches away. And then he's late on saying hello. They finally finished their lines and he's like line. Die high. I buy. Hello. Boxing. Rock you have AIDS. And then because the scene wasn't poorly written and confusing enough, like, let's

you think we are complicating this any further. Don King emerges like Aphrodite from the goddamn conch, like in between. And he's like, hello, I'm also in this scene talking at the exact same time, just a reminder, someone would like to fight you. And this, like this entire plot, this is the manufactured, not the real plot of Don King, right, wants to get some kind of bout with right. He doesn't care against who. He just needs to be producing a fight with Rocky Balboa in it. And it's like the movie kind of turns and

stares at the screen and like the closing credits of Ferris Bueller is like, hmm, if only Rocky needed money and I had money. And then like they forget that for 90 minutes, crazy, it's bonkers. They will forget it until 30 seconds before the end of the movie and then forget it. Forget forgetting it again. Look at it. It's incredible. Yeah. You can tell that I'm glad you went through the like script rewrite history or because you can tell they're on author number seven right now. Yeah. At this point, the six thought first, like he's sliding the six authors brain matter off of the pages. He's like, all right,

this one's kind of still usable. And the only other thing I want to touch on about this scene is that the Rocky theme as the guy leaves, the Rocky theme plays in the background, but hesitantly like the piano is unsure. It's a Rocky movie. Like, dinner, dinner, I'm sorry, just to be clear, dinner, dinner, right? Dinner, dinner. How are you making the piano do that? It's like halfway between the Rocky theme and the incredible Hulk, sad Bill Bixby walking away. He's pushing the question mark pedal.

I had a tiger go fuck yourself. Yeah. There's no. Okay. Yeah. I had a tiger go fuck yourself. Yeah. There's no survivor in this movie. No, there's not really sad. Not a thing survivor. I think there was going to fly now for a second with this little fake gunna fly now and then maybe again near the end was there.

Mm. Possibly. We'll find out. So now we cut back over to school. And as he teased us before, Rocky's son is gonna get mugged by E for a bite. He got to rush. This sets up quite the side plot. I will not spoil it right now.

Oh, guys, young people who have no idea what kind of movie you've dumped into, this is how movies used to establish. He needs to learn to fight as a plot mechanism. Like someone would attack a main character and we'd be like, oh, that guy needs to learn out of fucking fighting. That kid is 13. He 100% needs to learn. He needs to learn.

I mean, back back. Yeah, thank you. I look. If you don't reason Philadelphia is slipping in sliding and driving in juking you got no. If he doesn't learn out of fight, he's going to get bullied by someone who looks like Eli. That's fair. It's going to get bullied by E from the last part. No, not who I pictured as the bully and you don't look like E from honorage to be clear. I think I do. You think you look like a thin Irish man?

That's what they tell me. That's what a lot of people say. On the internet. Okay. I'm not on social media anymore, but I hear that trending hashtag. Anyways, have a box again. Enough about how handsome I am. He will be played by Mickey Rooney in the...

I mean, I'm still on Facebook Messenger, so if you need to send me a message about how handsome I am, like, yes. So if you need to send me a message, man, I'll hand some. I had like a guest like you can reach. And also I'm still still on email, e-mail, e-mail.com. And just if you have a wrongly phone, you'll joke send him to Heath and write a Gmail. Yeah.

If you have any poor lunch lady, drug dealer jokes, let's go right over to he. So now we're back at the boxing gym. Heath was a lunch now we're we're back at the boxing gym. He was a lunch lady. Now we're back at the boxing gym. And that was the thing. Thank you. I could see that. So we're back at the gym. I worked in the dining hall as financial aid students. And you were a lunch lady. And then a drug dealer. I was a drug dealing lunch lady. That's correct. Are you wearing the hair net? No, I had a buzz. Oh, okay, yeah, I'm fair.

I had a beard net. I had a beard net. That's exactly, if I were ever to buy drugs and we all know I'm a precious little snowful, so it would definitely be from a guy whose beard was in a beard net. That, that, that, that, that. Yeah, that's a little bit of credit.

I'm Eli Bosnick. Head over to patreon.com slash God awful. And this summer, we'll make Andrew buy drugs not once, but four times in a row. And we'll put it on YouTube. We'll do an illegal state and just make him go in an order with them at the whole time. You can make this happen next. Matrix. All right.

So he's in the boxing gym and Rocky is giving boxing advice. Um, yeah, would we say advice though? Okay. Okay. This is what I was getting to. All of Rocky's boxing advice in this movie will be either insanely obvious or outright wrong. His advice here is literally the key to boxing is you hit the other guy and you don't get it. See, I was doing the first one. Yeah. And Tommy is so moved by this excellent advice that he decides to go in the ring and do

a little sparring. He's just like, you know, thanks, Champi. Yeah. Let me write that down. Punch, other guy, me not getting punched. Okay. I'm ready to go. Let's start.

Yeah, but he jumps in the ring and he decides he's going to spar without the headgear. And he just like just starts slamming the other guy like it's a full. Yeah, the contact boxing. Yeah, this sequence is really, really disturbing, right? Like it is because it's it's meant to show like Tommy Gunn is an unstoppable rage-filled punching machine, but also like you're supposed to root for him until the heel turn, right, spoilers. And like, how can you rally? Like he's nuts.

Any art. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, all right, this movie now has three plots, but what about a love story that we can establish and then literally never touch on again? Well, I'm glad you asked, because random girl from Rocky's son's school is here to apologize for e-mugging him.

And for the second, but not the last time in this movie, it is blatantly ripping off Karate Kid here, And for the second, but not the last time in this movie, it is blatantly ripping off Karate Kid here, like the, like kind of chubby strawberry blonde girl here. She is definitely no Elizabeth shoe. She's no issues. No, absolutely not. But she checks out Sage Stallone's ass.

And it's like, you have a pretty nice ass for an Italian. For an Italian. Is that, you have a pretty nice ass for an Italian. For an Italian. Is that, is that a thing? Is it a stereotype and can we reinforce it? Like I will do whatever it takes to just be like, unlike those small ass Italians in my right. I'll say it to everyone when I'm checking out at the grocery store to my mechanics. I just let's, let's swirl it around in the world.

Hashtag small ass Italians. Sorry, let's rank the male asses by race. What do you guys think is the best male ass? Is it a million? I'm out, like with the show. I just Googled small ass Italians, and I would like to apologize to our listeners, and on behalf of the whole puzzle

and a thunderstorm company. But yeah, sorry, about this small ass comment. What did Google say? We're not going into it. Andrew, there's, there's 45 minutes of crying that just got kind of a show. So here's the thing about this. You have a nice ass comment.

How old is this actress? 13, 12? Yeah, they're like middle school. Old enough to smoke. Yeah, it's weird. It's super duper weird, right? Like the thing about karate kid is you're like middle school. Old enough to smoke. Yeah, it's weird. It's super duper weird, right? Like the thing about karate kid is you're like, look at them, they're 17, but you're like,

nah, not 17, those are adults, and that's why they're attracted to each other. But this fucking nine year old is like, mmm, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. And you're like, no, no, Rocky five bad. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Nonetheless, romance developed established. Yeah. So now it's time to cut over to bap bap bap bap bap.

Paulie, that can't be. Yep. And this is when Tommy gun finds them on the street again in a different place somehow and he's just like Can you manage me because I asked you before and you just you said manager over and over for like 12 minutes and over again. Yeah, answer because we didn't do the movie Yeah, to which Rocky responds You're my son now. Come to my house and live with me. Yeah.

Right. And look, I realize this is more of Vogueon poetry appreciation, but like I do kind of like this scene, right? Like it's written as Rocky thinks of Tommy as the son he never had because his own son is a nerd and his scrawny. And I mean, if this movie were at all competently written. But again, he does have a son who will spend the next nine tenths of the movie staring

respectfully an ancient half from Tommy Gunn's face, which makes this scene fucking bananas. And speaking of which, it's time to go to dinner. We're Rocky and Adrian will react to hearing their child has been involved and robbed, like they shifted his art class to first period. And Paulie's reaction to this is the best though. Oh, throughout the scene. Yes. Amazing.

So, Kim gets home and he's like, yeah, I got beat up the E from Antara. I stole my code. It's ridiculous. And immediately Paulie's like baseball bat to the face. Oh, I'm in the back. Oh, my God. And throughout the scene. And so in the movie I'm creating in my head, right, the better one. Like I want Robert De Niro's voiceover from Casino here. Like, hey, he's a little guy, but you know, you steal Rocky Jr's coat.

He comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife. He comes back with a gun. And if you come after him with a gun, you better kill him because he'll keep coming back until you're dead. I guess what I'm saying is, can we do Casino next? It's kind of a Christian movie. I'm going to borrow that pen.

It's a nice pen. I'm going to borrow that pen. But yeah, it is true that this movie, first of all, not only in this movie, will the entire scene move on with Paulie just repeating hit him in the face with the baseball bat, the movie will move on. And Paulie was just be like, sorry, I feel like no one's addressed my fucking baseball bat theory. No, they'll ramp it up.

They'll ramp it up. So like he says baseball bat to the face. And then Adrian's like We're raising our son not to attack people that are the face weapons. You know what I mean? He's like what about baseball bads in the face, right? And then Rocky is like compromise I'll teach him to murder with punching not bad and Then they ramp it up even further with Tommy gunn, who's like, yeah, my dad was an alcoholic and now I punch people for a living.

So there you go. I mean, cycle of violence. It works out great sometimes. I'm endearing now. I'm a protagonist. When you think of it, it's kind of a family business, am I right? Boom. Tough crowd.

I forgot you were abused in the first movie, but I'd seems like you guys are sort of adorable. I think this movie is for God for that too. Yeah, and again, because Rocky has said maybe to managing Tommy, Tommy lives in their basement now. That's what they're going to establish is that, oh, Tommy, you got a place to stay in Tommy's like, no, you know, I was actually thinking he's like, you live here? You live in my child's room, you're sleeping as bad, I kiss your mouth. You'd be replacing my son. It would be great. It's not like you're replacing him.

Well, it's literally replacing him. He has to sleep with Uncle Paulie who is urinating himself right now. So he probably won as much later. He's probably, yeah, empty that would be cool. So now it's time to check in the basement. And it turns out the Rocky Sun has made a nice little trophy case for all of his heavyweight championship of the world gloves and belts. But it's like, it's like the way my mom did all my O M medals, like second and third place O M medals with the titles hidden so that nobody knows what's O M Odyssey of the mind. Odyssey of the mind nailed it.

Double nerded. You got you got to you got double team by two nerds at the same time. Yeah. So not a sport definitely. Yeah. It's a sport of the imagination. Yeah. I also played baseball. So I want to register a hard no on Odyssey of the mind being as well. Also, I got kicked off

the cadence of Odyssey of the mind team because I didn't go to enough practices. That's that I would pay all the money in the world. I know you're not adult Andrew at that time, but in my mind, you are where someone's just like, Andrew, can I talk to you for a second? I don't think you're as committed to this. How should I say it? Mind Odyssey as you need to be. And we're going to have to let you go. Yeah.

No, they did. Despite the fact that the team was way better when I was on it than when I was off it, but you know, we all knew that. To be fair, you were in your third year of college when you joined. So yeah, he said he's showing the basement and the trophies and stuff. And, and this is the first moment of like, uh, oh, Rocky son is jealous of Tommy. And, and look, if this were, as Andrew said, competently written, it might establish something, but the way it actually plays is you know, my manager and my major inspiration once told me, Dad, listen to me right now. This is the only moment

I need you to listen to me right now in this very second. Otherwise, I'm related. I'm made of your come. I hear me here. And he's, that's great. There definitely is a Seth McFarlane kind of stewie quality to sage the lawyer. He's like, Dad, dad, dad, dad. You're gonna miss it. Dad, just start licking up and down the side of Rocky's face. You still want to, Tommy? Damn. Oh, that went in a weird direction.

Yeah. And he's just like that. It relax. I'm talking to Tommy. He was better than you. He'll probably live past 2012. He's gonna be great. So we're 2013. Definitely. Such thing is blood test between false positives.

So, and this is where Rocky hands down his second great piece of wisdom in the movie. Fear is good and bad. Oh, yeah. fear is good and bad. Oh, yeah. So tough. He's like, so who's your best friend back home? And before Tommy can answer, he's like, wrong, it's Frankie fear. And everybody's like, what? Dude, no idea what you are ever saying.

Home to him. How badly did you want him to reach behind his shelf and pull out a sock puppet with like dripping blood on it and be like, uh oh, it's ready here. I'm gonna rape your ears again slide. Don't do it. Don't do it. I'm gonna make it to copper too. Don't make me do the expendables three.

Please. I got her on the set of people into the head and nobody told me Still on gets another giant giant amount of Riffing because he's just like I said Frankie fear that's the duration I'm gonna say different other f words now. And then he's like, fear is like fire, fire is hot, hot, fire, fear, fighter. Uh, flame, there's no nailed it. Fanding, fear is, oh no feelings.

It's gonna be around forever. So he delivers that weird spoken word aneurysm and we come back to school where Rocky Sun gets punched and robbed again. That's seen. That's seen. Yep, that is. That's it. And now it's time for Rocky to take Tommy to father car mine for a blessing.

Christian movie. Not not only that, but this is definitely check-offs priest. I mean, he goes off in the third act. Just wait for it. He sure fucking does. I'll tell you what, listener, we're about to take a little commercial break. You go ahead and pause this podcast. Get out a notebook, a pen, have a hot latte, maybe a mocha and write down whatever you could possibly imagine father Carmine is gonna do in the third act So good, but yeah, this is good rock. You just going up. He's not even in the church He's just like from from a window. He sees father Carmine in a window And he's just like running on the street with Tommy

Say anything. He's just like running on the street with Tommy. Yeah, no, he's not. He's just saying anything. He's just missing the boom box here. Right. Well, it's like they're trying to do the scene from the first movie, but they couldn't afford Catholicism. So, you know, like when they do remakes of movies and they so you just get like the two minute intro where Leslie Nielsen walks through and is like, hello, what are you doing here?

And you're like, he's the one that was in the first one. That's what they're doing with the Catholic church. Yep. So yeah, Rocky has father, uh, car mine, bless Tommy gun here, just, you know, in general, and well, it never hurts to have no blessings. I'm going to ask you for prayer. God's not real.

Stupid Christian movie. Adorable. Yeah. All right. Well, the God of the universe has now blessed Tommy gun in a way that would make God look super dumb if Tommy doesn't win the movie in the end and stay the good guy. And on that note, we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give act three, the good guy. And on that note, we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give

act three, the hard sell. Will the cinematic tour de force that is the final act of this movie carry Heath through a confusing series of strong emotions and sexual responses? Yes, it will. So for the secular conclusion of Rocky five. I'm Rocky by Boa. You know, all the problems that have ever come in my life as same solution as punching. Now sadly, they ain't true for hair loss. 66% of men started to lose their hair by age 35. And once you notice the hair's thinning, it can be too late. But the solution is an impunction. Wait, an impunction?

This is not an impunction. It's for him. Oh, hey, his uncle Paulie. The beloved character alcoholic uncle Paulie. Beloved. Uh, so what's, uh, what's for him's.com. That's right. Wacky.

A beloved character who was always a good guy in this series. For him's.com. It's the one stop shop for hair loss, skincare and sexual wellness for men. Hems is helping guys be the best version of themselves with licensed physicians at the A and Proof products to help it treat hair loss. Oh, this is FDA, through the, you mean I got stuff the brushing guy I was doing? No, no rock! These are prescription solutions backed by science! Whoa!

This science, and... Is there no puncher required at all? No punching required! Order now! Alllessness gets started with 4M's complete head kit, but just $5 today! Right now, while supplies last, and subject to Dr. Zabruvold! get started with 4M's complete hand kit, but just $5 today. Right now, while supplies last, and subject to Dr.'s approval.

See website for full details and safety information. This will cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or the pharmacy somewhere else. So go to 4M's.com slash cam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-M.S... That's F.O.R.A.H.R.M.S. That's F.O.R.A.H.R.M.S. For him, for hair loss, for everything else, besides hair loss, though, the is punching. That's right.

But, but young, you ever considered dying earlier? Every single day! Yeah. I try! You want to go like, havesies or something? Well, I'd call it love! Perfect. Well, hello!

Welcome to Phil's House of Financial Mismanagement. How can I help you boys? Yeah, so I was like the winner of my last movie, you know, Rich Nal, I literally be Russia in name Marikovs. You can kind of let me, without a plot, you know, like no plot. Oh, yeah, that is rough. Tell you what, sign here and here and initial here. Okay, okay.

Excellent. See, now as you and as all other movies know, paper is magic. So now I have all your money and I just sent it to the bottom of the ocean. Oh, you did bottom of the ocean bottom of the ocean. Okay. So that money lost that will go. What about all the property and stuff? There's got to have some value. I have like property.

Oh yeah, yeah. I was some stuff. Huh, let's see. Oh, tell you what, uh, why do you sign this piece of paper? Oh, magic paper again. Okay. Yeah. See, now, out, don't yet hear too, right? Now you owe exactly one finale's worth of dollars to the government. Oh, that's, that's not going to be perfect. That the perfect amount for the finale. Yeah, wonderful, wonderful. So you're all set for your manufactured plot for your movie. Which one is this again?

As for two, three, five, I think. Oh, gosh. Have you ever considered, you know, dying in your prime, Kurt Cobaining it? Yeah, every single day, all the time. And we're back. When we left off, God was blessing Tommy Morrison and this week's movie choice. And now it's time for Tommy's first big fight with Rocky in his corner as manager or trainer or they don't know the roles of any of the training stuff. Anyway, this

starts with a close up shot of a Jesus mosaic because I guess you're fighting a church. So again, this counts so hard. It's all Christian. His fight is in a, I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a way better use for a church, but I do think it's weird, right? Yeah, this is supposed to be like low budget early fight. I don't know, but yeah, they're in church and they're fighting and Tommy's not very good. He'll need to overcome quite the hurdle and have several montages. Well, luckily, luckily he's got the amazing side-goaching of Rocky. This is how their actual first pep talk goes. I'm losing. You're winning.

I'm losing. You're winning. You know what? I am winning. And then, and then still I get so mad at Tommy Morrison in real life. You know what I'm script there? Because Morrison is just like, this guy's killing me. I'm losing. He's killing me. I'm getting, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, this guy's killing me, I'm losing, he's killing me,

I'm getting, get, shop! He's so mad, and he yells at him, you see his face? And it's the long pause, and then they keep going, it's the best. And we are treated to what I think is the best demotivational speech since the Animaniac spoof of patent, right, where yeah, it's like, we're going to war, gentlemen, and I won't lie to you, some of you won't be coming back. And the rest of you definitely won't.

Yeah, exactly. And then he tells him that he's sitting on his shoulder like Meredith Burgess told him. So now you got sort of like a human centipede shoulder thing going on. But yeah, he wins. Sure. Yeah, that'll haunt my nightmares. Yeah, which means it's time for a resentful son montage. The first time ladies and gentlemen, this will be a montage of Rocky and Tommy gun doing rocky training stuff while his son stands an inch behind them glaring. an alma montage. Yeah. It's the bad guys.

Oh, also question about boxing training. You've come to the right place. They're throwing the medicine ball. You know how they're throwing the big heavy medicine ball back and forth? 90% of boxing. Doesn't feel like that's going to help the boxing. Why would that help? It's the key to boxing.

They, you know what they say? Punching is like throwing a medicine ball, but with your arms. That's the old press. Oh, I learned something here today. We get Rocky Jr. just like sadly training by himself and he's throwing medicine ball just like to himself. It's, it's so sad like, like up against a tennis wall, but it doesn't bounce back at all because it's a medisavaly. It's got to walk over and pick it up. Walk over, pick it up over.

So dumb. The only thing I want to point out about this montage is that we cut in with the evil Don King guy watching Tommy winning his boxing and eating a bag of marshmallows, which is a weird choice. Wait. And is that? I'm not going to miss that too. I watch this movie which is a weird choice. Wait, and is that? I'm not going to miss that too. I watched this movie two and a half times.

Wait, Don, Don King was eating marshmallows? Yes. Don King character is like watching the TV and like doing the like, hmm, this Tommy guy might be my secret way in, but he is doing it. Marshmallows. While eating marshmallows, yes. You got a bunch of stuff with that wrong with Don King, because earlier he was supposed to be doing the evil call on the phone like, oh, you're the only way you can get out of

this, is do my fight and make me money and you money. And he's supposed to be swishing the brandy, you know, like an evil gun, but he's got like an antique crystal wine glass full of red wine and he's sipping it like Fancyly it doesn't work at all now of his food stuff makes any sense or drink stuff He has the candy dish from from the Simpsons right the old lady glick like it holds candy net That's it $90 and it shows on a word. Yeah, it's filled with like an ounce of cheer wine too. Yeah, that kind of thing. It's phenomenal.

And also one other thing during this montage, Rocky and Tommy are doing like every father son trope they can think of just to get Alma all pissed off the background. Yeah. They're like riding the tandem bicycle together and like pre-legged racing and side by side bath tubs like a sealous commercial. I don't know. It's a lot. Yeah. And again, this entire montage is just punctuated with Rocky Sun, who is played by Sylvester Stallone's real son just staring diggers at the whole... I wanted the montage to screech to a halt

and for them to be like, are you just standing there? Nothing, no. Anyways, is this montage gonna lead to a problem down the line? No, no, I'm not saying. In real life. You would say you're standing in the four of this shadow. So, now we're back at school and it's time for Rocky son to beat up his bullies. I love this movie because I get to watch E from on Drosh get punched in the face like

nine times. That's wonderful. That's really good. And let's face it, fights between children absolutely go multiple rounds. This is very realistic. One of these kids to go back and spit into buckets. But no, he beats up his bully and the bully sidekick has this amazing moment where he's like, I abandon you in your hour of need. But he shakes his hand because when you beat someone up, your friends, that is how fighting works. Yeah, like once you beat the bully,

you offer the truth because, I mean, let's face it, like James Carrigan is like six inches tall or the new and like 50 pounds heavier than you. And you just got that like one lucky punch in and you know, like if you ever fight him again, he would just kick your ass twice. I like that we get little bits. Yep, just get a little bit.

This is a bit, what happens in your life? This is clearly an Andrew story. Yeah, just get a little bit. This is what happens in their life. No, clearly an Andrew story. Yeah. No, it and never mind. When Andrew was fucking seven and went to high school, he clearly somehow beat up a bully one time. It was just exactly how to do it. And you do, and you offer the truce because you're like, this was totally a fluke. Yeah. Patrons tune in after God awful movies this week and Heath will tell you how great his dive bar is while Andrew tells you about the time he beat up a bully. All right.

So it is great to get hot dogs for free. Oh, free hot dogs. Sounds great. So Rocky and Tommy are back at the gym and they're training and again, like they don't have enough boxing words for anything close to a training montage scene because again, Rocky is explaining what he explained as his first piece of advice, the key is to hit to not getting hit though, according to this movie is to train with blowing follows.

Is that a real boxing thing? Do you guys actually know anything about boxing? Is there any way this could possibly be a real boxing thing? I don't know. I hope so, because if it is, my dog is an amazing boxer. I'll tell you that right now, match the pug world championship. Watch out for this summer. Oh, still on blowing soap bubbles is adorable. And you know, you know, he got soap in his mouth a bunch of times. I got to stop drinking it's life.

If you're not picturing Mike Tyson skipping through a field blowing bubbles with a little pink handle thing like then you're not the list. Oh, see now I was picturing him skipping through a field like threatening bubbles like, oh, blah, blah, blah, I'm gonna fuck you till you learn me. Mike, you can just punch him. No, I literally can't. No bubble, miss me. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'm by your ear off. I need some help. That's a different bubbles. I'm in bubble. I'm in it man for making for my voice. No bubble. Kill you. All right.

And then so we get a little more montage of Tommy winning some more. And this is where we get Don King signature move for the movie. Whenever this character will watch boxing and enjoy it or not enjoy it, he will go, and this is the first of such incidents in the film. Also, just side note, I'm quite certain I could be a professional boxer because so bubbles check and slip the jab check. That's it. Right? You know, you know, both. So you are ready to go. You need a little speed bag, little medicine ball throwing, but you're ready for the world tournament. I don't think those ones, I could do a medicine

ball. If you want to toss around the medicine ball, little lady. Yeah. The point of this training and boxing montage is that Rocky should be at home congratulating his son for assault instead of training a world champion to win back the money so that they don't have to live in poverty anymore. He's the bad guy. Yeah. And this was the point where I realized that the plot of this boxing movie about boxers, co-starring a professional boxer, hinges on the fact that no one involved in the movie in any way whatsoever understands

the difference between a manager and a promoter. It is kind of like the way die hard too, required finding a cast and crew that had never been in an airport. Right. You're right. So been in an airport. Right. So cheer is the tubes. Right. So he, so we watch Tommy who is being managed by Rocky gets signed by the Don King promoter and at the end of this montage, I just want to be clear, does he gift him both an apartment

and a lady? Okay. It wasn't clear. The lady for sure. That was a prostitute that he bought for Tommy. I'm quite certain about that, but she sticks around. It's like a permanent prostitute.

I thought it was more like an arranged marriage. Okay. And the apartment, it seemed like he was showing off his own like Don King was showing off his apartment, but then he hands keys to Tommy, which was confusing, but then we find out that Tommy was given a car. So I thought that was the keys to the car. So now I'm lost in the plot. I have no idea what the details are, and I don't know what's happening in this movie. But the movie shows lots of clips from other movies in this movie. So I thought that we had just slipped into Wall Street for a minute, right? Like the red head is Darian, like the new apartment, like the car, like it just, yeah. Tommy Gunn loves it in the God's team, right?

Exactly. So now I was hoping that we would really get the dialogue here. You would just be like, this is where I live. Not sure why I'm showing it to you. My apologies. Anyway, here's an arranged marriage in a new car. I love you, bye bye. This is how boxing works. Boxing.

This is boxing now. You want me to blow some bubbles? No. So now we're going to cut to them watching National Lampoon's Christmas vacation in the movie. And again, the movie loves taunting us with much better movies. We could be watching. Yeah. It's a good scene where he's going to his kick and Santa and the face out on the front. So he pulls, he pulls Adrian aside, Rocky pulls Adrian

aside in the scene. He's like, go, Adrian, wait, let me get as close to our son as physically possible. I'm thinking of giving Tommy my most precious object. I have this. And I also have a sweater that says, you are my only son. I was thinking I would get him. I have an earring now. He does. What the fuck is happening with this earring?

This, okay. So, um, ultimate best worst of all time. I should have mentioned this earlier. Oh, yeah. The son, I don't know it, right? This is the first scene he has it on. This ridiculous, giant spike ball on a chain with like retractable razor blades, like he's go-go from Kill Bill.

It's 35 feet of gold mesh. No, no, no, it is a a it is a chandelier from like every John video in the early eighties. So big. It and it's every earring I've ever ignored. Right where it goes just like, yeah, man, I'm really into snowboarding. I know if you ever snowboard it on, I'm just like earring, earring. So true story.

I mentioned that I was watching Rocky 5 to a friend of mine. And as soon as I said Rocky 5, he was like, earring son, crazy earring. That's the movie with the earring, right? Yeah, that's the earring. And you know what, to be fair, if this movie had been called Rocky 5 colon, the movie with the earring, it would have been a better, more accurate title. So we cut back to Don King and Tommy. And in case we weren't getting the, you know, implicit message of those montages, he's like, why don't you drop Rocky and then let me sign you. I'll be you knew whatever term we're using because you and him don't have a contract expedimists magic numbers magic words.

And Tommy's like, oh, I don't know. I really like Rocky. And he's like, he has $20,000. And Tommy guns like, yeah, fuck Rocky. I am entirely a villain for the rest of the movie. And so now it's time for my favorite moment. In this entire film, it is when Sylvester Stallone introduces Santa for one hour and 42 minutes. Listener, this movie is on Netflix.

It's on Netflix. You don't need to watch the whole thing, but if you don't watch Sylvester Stallone, stammer his way through the sentence, look at his Santa, you are living in incomplete life. Hey, would you love me? What? This guy right here is coming down the stairs. Almost down the stairs. This guy will be able to get out of the house. Santa words. Rain is smooth. is the length of this introduction cannot be overestimated. There is no amount of time. No, I thought of another one. No, North Pole. I'm still going. So then he insists that

his son sit on Santa's lap, you know, like you do, a totally normal activity. Alcoholic Santa's lap because Paulie is fucking Santa Claus. He could not care less about being Santa and it's a big thing. And again, these are teenage kids. The request that he sit on Santa's lap is in set. He might as well be like, all right, everybody, it's Christmas time. Let Uncle Paulie change your diapersppies. Now you change my day. But no, this is supposed to be like the sun finally rebelling once and for all scenes. So he's like, what did you want to sit on? He's like,

you weren't there for me, dad. And he's like, what are you talking about? I've been there for you the whole movie. And he like literally the opposite and he storms out. You're hearing you get bigger. It's like. It's the scene. Just start. How do you get bigger? All encompassing and then you hit him in the eye now.

And now just in the middle of all of this family drama who should show up, but Don King and Tommy to tell him that Tommy is signing with Don King. Yeah. And this movie decides that the beat they're going to use to show you that Don King is the villain is him showing up the Christmas in his big limo, not at all the exact same limo that Rocky, and Brennan 40 minutes ago. Really, this movie is really counting on a lack of object permanent in its viewership. Yeah, no, the memento that's the right way to watch this movie.

Yeah. So Don King shows up in his limo, and Adrian's out there with Paulie, and she's like, Paulie, you got to deal with this guy. I can't deal with this guy. So he starts walking in Don King and Tommy. They start walking in the house, out there with Polly and she's like, you, you, Polly, you got to deal with this guy. I can't deal with this guy. So he starts walking in Don King and Tommy. They start walking the house and Polly says, Yo Rocco, guess who's coming to dinner?

Maybe don't say that when it's a black guy. No, I'm just saying. Again, this movie is the post 2016 politics of Rocky movies, right? Cause Rocky was like, what are you talking about? It's about a young man becoming a champion. Not about Black fear at all. And Rocky Fives like, Hey, it's another black guy coming towards your house. Rocky standing around. It's me, the lovable character, Paulie, who you've always loved. He's got the love. God. There was no doubt that Uncle Paulie is like a precinct chairman for Donald Trump at

the 16 like, uh, absolutely. Maybe it's the big city Pontea fan. I don't know. Let's be fair. Let's be fair. We don't know. He pulls out. He pulls out a war and VHS.

No one ever wants to watch this. I believe. Unbelievable. Right. But yeah, Tommy tells him that, hey, I'm going to go with Duke and and slides really upset. And he's like, Oh, no, you can't believe you did this to me. And he has like a like a brain attack in the middle of it, which is, which is shown to us as a flashback from a first person's perspective of getting punched in Rocky IV. Yeah. And so this whole thing is Tommy Gunn leaving Rocky as a manager slash coach slash

whatever the fuck his job is and going to Don King. And he shows him Don King gave him this car. And as if that's a bad thing, why is that a bad thing? Like Don King is clearly the good guy and Rocky's fucking stupid. Like, you should want Dunkin' to be your manager if he got you a car and more money instead of a guy with severe brain damage that is about to have an attack. Yeah. And so, A, the car is very clearly the 6,000 SUX from Robocop. So, I definitely wanted this car. Like, at every moment that it was on the screen, I was like, oh, God, if I could have driven that 1987, like,

you have, you have weird desires. Hi, hi, hi. I just want to drive a car from 1987 over my high school bully, then go get a drink and some free hot dogs with, it's going to be great. Oh, okay. All right. Morgan, Morgan, you got it.

You got it. Morgan knows clean. Eddit. Doesn't need to edit it because he can beep it out. Anyways, two, three, four pause. Now we cut to Rocky's son hanging out with his friends outside of the old timey sock hop. I don't know what this is. This scene literally just exists

because they had a fight inside the house. And so they're gonna make up outside of the house. Yeah, this scene also exists so that the sag can put cigarettes in the mouth of the 13 year old actors in this movie, like, ah, 1990. Yeah, because they are without a doubt, like, just blowing through some marbles right there on the screen. Without these kids were, they put out a casting notice for kids who smoke and everyone applied. Also, there's a crazy moment here where he's about to like do the little makeup speech with

his son. And as he walks over, love interest girl, who we will never see or hear from again, goes, are you gonna hit him? And I was like, ah, 1980s. Yeah. This whole scene, well, whole movie and backstory of movie, but this scene in particular is very dark. At this point, the kids, they're all like huddled around the convenience store, they're smoking cigarettes. And Rocky Jr. is like, I need to get out of this town. Yeah. Let's hitchhike to the Jersey Shore. Whoa. That is the saddest aspiration

ever expressed. That was terrifying. And then Rocky shows up and sort of congratulates him for the cigarettes and sort of chastises him at the same time. Ah, the 80s, just isn't clear. Hey, son, I don't know if you should be smoking like that gets sight tackled by Philip Morris next take. Hey, son, look, you look awesome when you smoke like that. Don't steal mine, okay? Great. You make this rich flavor. Yeah. I put out a five doctors recommend that cigarette. I'm going to kiss you on the neck now. Which he does. He kisses him on the neck. And Rocky Jr. freaks to the okay. He goes for a kiss on the neck and he's like, ah, ah, he's gonna, he's gonna get him later though. It's, it's, it's, no question.

Not the end of the father son kissing. Mm-hmm. Oh no, he'll get him, he'll get him good. But yeah, he says home team and then the kid says home team and this unending scene is over, which means now it is time for the big fight. Tommy Gunn guns chance at the Dip title title, which he gets now Union Kane

Why is he why is his nickname union right like that's not a pun off of Kane. I I Can't know there's nothing there. Oh wait. Maybe he's anti-confederate. Oh That's Big North fan were woke got it sure No, there's no. There's no. Oh, wait, maybe he's anti-confederate. Woo! That's fun. Oh, big North fan. We're woke. Got it? Sure, yeah.

It's a woke movie. I've always got the Rocky 5 is a woke movie. So here's my. So on the north side of the Civil War to be clear. Here's my question. Here's my question now. Do fight promoters get to be the promoter and announce at the match as well?

Because what Donnie is doing. I feel like he just brought his like, a magical karaoke set that plugs into any PA system and just like, push the, let's get ready to rumble guy out of the way. Well, yeah, he elbows the real Michael buffer out of the way. Like this may be Michael buffers. First of all, this is before he was, you know, that famous for being let's get ready to rumble. You know where they had him at the TGI Friday's World

bartender championship. Really? Finals, they had the, let's, the real Michael Buffer doing, let's get ready. Do you want me to get the, let's get ready to rumble guy? Cause he is eight dollars. He is just the, we just get him for every episode. Absolutely.

patreon.com I'm sure we'll get we just get him for every episode. Absolutely. Patreon.com. We'll get Michael Buffer to announce every episode. We are only watching boxing movies from now on. If we get sliced alone on him as a guest, he could say, let's get ready to mumble. There you go. There you have it, everybody. Speaking of amazing parts.

And you people say that the show goes downhill when Noah's not here. I beg to differ. We're a great comedy. We could do the laughs. You're enjoying, you're driving anyways. You couldn't turn me up. You tried. Yeah, you just look down to try and do it to define me and you hit a little girl. That's on you. But by the way, seriously speaking of amazing puns, the movie makes a pretty amazing pun right here. Oh, yeah. So Tommy gun, part of the conflict here, he's such a clone of Rocky. All the media was saying that the whole time that got him mad enough to go to Don King, actually, but he's such a clone of Rocky. If they're calling him, the clone ranger.

Oh, such a good, ranger. Such a good panel. I loved it. Absolutely. Absolutely. That being said, though, it should have been the clone gunman because he's, oh, yeah. Oh, you are as usual better than this movie. I could beat Tommy Morrison in a fight is what I'm saying.

Certainly now. I feel like a lot of the time. And, and, and let's be real. He, his fighting style is the clone ranger, right? Like, why don't you stand there, get punched in the face like six dozen times and then hit real hard. It's the, it's the Rocky Pay book. Right.

And Rocky's cheering him on from home and he's punching the bag. And as he punches the bag, we see Tommy punched the bag guy and then he punches the bag. We see him punch the bad guy. I wanted this metaphor to continue and like he stops to take a piss and all of a sudden Tommy's taking a piss in the middle. Oh God, it's a puppet master. We accidentally did a puppet master. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, the family was like clearly scared by that. They see Rocky punching the little bag in his basement, right? When Tommy's punching the other boxer and they're all freaking out. Like there was a voodoo situation, but yeah, maybe there was and that that would have been perfect if they urinated together. I really like this scene. I thought it was good, you know, filmmaking, right? Like it, it's directly like and Rocky still moving to chose. He's still got it that it's smacks. So got poetry. No, no, no, no, it's smacks of Rocky. The thing that is beautiful and terrible

about this movie is that you can see the person who wrote Rocky touched this script and you'll never forgive yourself for it being this movie as part of the touching of that script. The line got a move back and forth like a metradome. It was. That was in the scene. Yep. That is in this scene.

So yeah, Tommy gun wins the big fight and he's the champion and he he goes up to the mic and he says, uh, I don't know why everybody hates me because the crowd is booing him for not being Rocky Marciano. And he's like, I don't know why everybody hates me. They tonight everybody. The boxing doesn't really have heels. So this is a weird thing that would never happen. But anyways, I'm here to thank my best friend. His name rhymes with Rocky. Don King. His name doesn't rhyme with Rocky. I don't know why I said that.

Don King. And everybody's like, boo, boo, I can't believe it. And thank Rocky, boo, boo, boo, boo. He's an angel on my shoulder. He's white. No, he's black. It's Don King. I was going to set a broccoli there, right?

No. But yeah, his family is like, I'm sorry about that. And they're all sort of awkward. And then his son gives him a, okay, this is going to be a little niche full mouth kiss. Well, a long, sensual, he does. He does give him a full mouth kiss. But there's actually something a little more upsetting. He gives him the scene. Well, I don't know if you've ever visited New York, but there are people in the parks and along the sidewalks who will offer to sketch you. Um, and those sketches are, I want to say love crafty and nightmarish. He's drawn one of those. Yeah. They're strong. One of those of him and his dad. What I can only

describe as a central park sketch of him and his dad. So now we cut over to the press conference the next day. And again, the press core, it's not even a press, it's just a roast. It's the fucking old school. Friars club. Rosé, Tommy, I hear your next opponent is already dead. Like it's just the fucking Don Rickles, like stands up behind Tommy. He gets no respect. It's fucking numb.les, like stands up behind Tommy. He gets no respect. It's fucking no. No, seriously, take my wife. That doesn't even make sense right now.

That's fine. I love these journalists more than anyone on earth. If we could, if seriously, if we could put them in charge of the Mueller investigation, like, ah, anyone but the people in charge of it would be great. So here's, here's the best part. They say Rocky, you know, look, it doesn't matter that you won the world champion, he's a paper champion, you need to fight a real opponent, you need to fight a brain damaged old man. Right.

45 year old retired. We want you to fight with trainer. And I just wanted this press court to be there at the end of Rocky for like, yeah, whatever, Rocky, when are you going to fight Mickey and he just turns around a wall. Oh, sorry, I got you. But then a hero, a god who whose character I will incorporate into all cannons of everything I ever create forever. Are you talking about the protagonist of the movie Tommy Guns sweatsuit? I am not. I wish I was. I'm talking about the reporter who's like, uh Tommy, last question. Your wife is a whore. I'm a reporter.

It sits back down. the exact line is, why don't you fight the red head in the front row? I hear she coast down easy, which is absolutely the best question any journalist has ever asked anyone ever. Yeah. And not a question. Not a question. Right. I just wanted the whole press conference to come to a halt and they were like, I'm sorry,

what newspaper are you from? Oh no, I'm Tommy's ex. I'm his cousin and he never calls me back anymore. I just thought I'd use this opportunity. We were roasting. But yeah, the basically he needs to fight Rocky or no one will ever respect him. And then he and Don King go into the other room and Don King's like, you know, they actually make a really great point. You do suck. And if you don't fight rock, you know, and we'll ever respect you. And we during, we, we aligned it over it. But like during the Tommy gun, you know, beating up hobos in a church montage, like we see union came, like beating up real boxers, right? Like this entire characterization

of like, well, union came isn't a reason. He's a paper champion. Like it, like, well, you and Kane, he's a paper champion. Like it, it again, we got the memento thing. Like it requires you to have missed the last 94 minutes of this movie. Yeah. We also get this crazy moment at the end of the scene where Don King says, you're always going to wonder if your success in boxing was because you're white. He says, it's not me. God, what the fuck did that even mean? going to wonder if your success in boxing was because you're white. He said to Tommy Gunn, what the fuck did that even mean? I think this is a little vester Stallone dealing

with his demons, right? I feel like he's met enough fans at this point of the Rocky series who can't stop saying the N word that he's just like, oh, and there should be a scene where someone's like, what if what if Philadelphia is such a racist city that they built a statue to fake character instead of Joe Lewis? And they were like, okay, we can get close to that. There's really be a firm of action boxing to get more whites into this. What does it work about? And can we talk a little bit about Tommy guns like 11 minute like Al Pacino asked chewing the scenery here at maximum volume.

Like, maybe that wasn't the best cinematic choice to be like, no, no, I'm sure Tommy can ad lib on camera for the next half an hour. Oh, God. I could have watched those enormous sneakers ad lib for half hour. That was pretty great. That's sweatsuit and those goddamns, Zach Morris, enormous fucking sneakers. Oh, they're amazing. He's got like two small horses in the sides next to him. All right, but now it's time for this movie's climactic

finale. That's right. Not a boxing match. Not a moment between father and son. A bar fight. But first bar pinball. And this was fucking amazing. So it's the scene starts with clearly again, this is just real life's alone doing something. They were like we're keeping this. So he's playing, he's playing pinball at the bar and he starts yelling at the bartender. He's like, the vlybbers I'm flipping is cost me a fortune, which means the most is to learn played a significant amount of pinball and eventually notice that the footers are so many get this there's here there are a lot of impressions one he is incorrectly playing pinball to he put more than one quarter into a pinball machine where the flippers don't work with the

flippers were working you read he thinks pinball is some form of gambling that is what I take away from that one sentence. I think I think he thinks he has telekinesis too. Or at least he thought he did for a few rounds of pinball. Yeah, and you're spending all this time commenting on the pinball itself and is no one gonna mention the fact that Rocky is voice-overing this pinball game. He's like in and the ball, it's rolling, it goes to the loop. Or there's the multi ball in it with the bouncing off the flipper. Ding ding was an f word you get you get some great results for yourself as the lone soundboard if you watch this movie so so sure enough again this is a climax in the movie buckle in it's all been leading up to this Tommy gun shows up

to challenge rocky to a boxing match and Rocky says no, no. He just walked back inside. Should they end the movie right there? Oh my God, I would love this movie. I would sit everyone down and I'd be like, hi, I'm Eli. I need you to watch this movie. It's Rocky 5. It's a really long buildup.

He's just like, no, I've got pinball game going. I got a core game on the machine. I got a whole roll of borders and no paddles there was for me. I should have given that blessing for myself instead of you, all right, bye bye. But no, it comes indoors to challenge him to a fight and they have a little back and forth here. And then Tommy goes too far.

He punches beloved character who totally doesn't deserve it. And absolutely does not assault him. First, Uncle Paulie. Okay, let me explain to you. If you don't watch these movies along with us, first of all, shame on you for not sharing in our suffering. But second of all, let me walk you through what happens. Ragi's like, out of a little boxy, you're just in this with the money. And Uncle Polly walks over to Tommy Gunn, world heavyweight champion of boxing,

and shows him and goes, yeah, boom. Yup. And gets punched in the face. Gets punched in the face. That's right. I mean, whatever you think about that, either way, the face that's

the lone makes after Paulie gets punched in the face. So he like, kneels down and like deals with Paulie for a second, but then he does this huge, dramatic face turn and you see him, oh my God, this was beautiful. Like I went six to midnight and I was red. This is it. Rocky movies all over again. I was so, the rest of this movie, I was as good as anything else in any Rocky movie. And again, look, if you pause this movie at this point and ask a thousand people, hey, what happens next?

None of them would go, they get it in a fight right here in the bar and that's the end of the movie. They would go, oh, Rocky agrees to beat Bok's Tommy and he wins, but no, they're going to fight next store in the alley. Oh my God. We got, I mean, again, another iconic rock you line. We got him being like, my rings outside. And I was, oh my God, it's such a good movie. At least this end is so goddamn good.

It's time for a motherfucking street fight. Street fight. Yes. And, and, and the local media have showed up. This is my favorite part, right? Like, you've got the, the cameraman with the like huge 1980s style, like VHS cam, like barely hefted over his shoulder doing, doing the bit from, from die hard and, and, and like, looks to his producer there and it's like, Hey,

can we capture this felony on local television? Yes. Yes. You get it. It's the 1980s. Absolutely. We do see what our mayor is about to do. We look into the PA system of this street alley. Yeah, we can. We can. I have a wireless microphone that doesn't. Yeah, we can look that right on. Don, can we use your mic? Oh, it's magic. Okay, we won't use yours. It's magic. Okay, this runs on magic. Though to Don King's defense, he turns to Tommy.

And I feel like the movie and goes, this is not what I meant. I meant, for millions of dollars, not fight him in an alley. And Tommy's like, no, I'm gonna fight him in the alley. Yeah, the alley fight already started. Too late. And it's time no I'm gonna fight him in the alley. Yeah, he might already started. You lay and it's time for a fucking Ali fight. Now look, I watched Rocky V more than a dozen times as a young man and remembered this fight being fucking awesome. And can I tell you right now and you remembered God damn correct.

I was wrong You didn't like this fight in the alley this kidding me. This is the Problem with white people the movie clip right cuz this this is the problem with Your guys are on this. Yeah, I would I would have registered protest here that this is not the problem with much like white people I will not allow you to protest. I am going to say because what happened is the best of slow was like, look, I love doing a rocky movies, but they don't let me show off my sweet street fighting moves. And they were like, uh, in this movie, we sure as fuck are, how would you feel about a bull charging-esque trip as you're opening gambit amazing.

He does the trip and then later he sweeps the leg. Another karate kids deal, but a beautiful one. Come on. Oh my God. The the Cobra Kai retelling of this movie from the perspective of of Jackie Charles of of George Washington John Donking, whatever. That would be amazing. I would give any amount of money to see that. Be ready. It's on YouTube red. It's already, you said I would give money and an algorithm

flashed and now it's on YouTube red. They've got three seasons. That show is amazing. Have you watched it? Yeah. Yeah. It's a new color. I love it so much. It's terrible, but it's so good. I don't care. So yeah, they do some sweet, sweet street fighting, but then because this is a Rocky movie, it's time for Rocky to get punched in the head of bunch until Burgess Meredith's ghost tells him to win. And again, just while he's getting punched in the head, one other quick note, Don King does raw again. Like he sees the Tommy starts to win and he's like, raw again. You have to watch the movie. I'm not doing it justice.

It's phenomenal. And also, when we get the Burgess Meredith moment, we get him like, you know, whatever the found footage of Burgess Meredith, they were able to use. They, they do a pop scare. They do. That's what I said. Definitely do. This is the horror take of the Burgess Meredith Peckdog.

Because it's got body heart. Blood is running down Rocky's face in a dream sequence at one point. Like Burgess pulls out one of his eyes and he's like, I've got my eye on you. Rocky, it's a fucking hellscape. I got so got him excited and then I'm pretty sure a little bit of gunna fly now happens and I was like weeping with Rocky pride here. Like I was ready to like go find a giant dude with a mullet and get into a fight in somewhere in Cincinnati, which is actually not very hard to do.

And was the point of this movie. So yeah, so yeah, he's fighting Tommy and Tommy's fighting him and it looks like Rocky's gonna lose. He's out on the ground and then he says it. The most iconic line in all of film. I didn't hear no bell. That's right. I didn't hear it. Oh, so good. So I cannot maintain an erection without this scene playing in the background. It's done for me. It's it's it's it's it. Fair. Solid and fair. There's as you well know, he leaps. No jokes to add. It's just look. He does a towel rack when you you play the credits to Rocky five and you can fucking hang a toddler off and he becomes a month of bars for the local children. So yeah, he he didn't hear no bell

he defeats Tommy once and for all. And then because there's some comedy moment, is he going to punch that litigious black gentleman once and for all? Yeah, for a few bedrooms. And he walks up to the guy walks up to Don King and Don King's like punch me and I'll sue. And he's like, sue me for what? It's like literally assault. You punched me in the face. I do not do. But, but, but seriously, this is, this is actually good law here, right?

Like it's, it's the concept of the judgment proof defendant, right? Like, well, Rocky is saying is not like Andy Torres. Yeah. Can we just circle back? You said, this is good law right here. I want to be clear, Andrew. I read a story about a vice principal challenging a trans student to pee in front of him today. So be very careful with your words. I own a motor vehicle. Yeah. So just one more time, the premise of this is a white professional boxer assaults an old black guy who is not a boxer. That's good law. Andrew Gope.

Andrew Torres. Esquire. So, so, the whole premise of this movie is that all of Rocky's money has been, you know, shredded and buried in the Marianas trench or whatever, right? And so Rocky's point here is not like, oh, it's not that it's not, you know, a torsious offense for me to punch you. It's like, what are you going to get off me? And I don't have any fucking money anymore.

So Sue, all you want, I'll keep punching. And he's right. Like Sue, all you want, I'll keep punching. And he's right. Like, Sue all you want, I'll keep punching is my Rocky T-shirt. They are available on our website right now. Right. Zoom in for what? You're expendables one through 12, Mike.

Yeah, well, look, the real, you know, Sylvester Stallone would definitely not punch you. Yeah. Yes he would. Or would, you know, but then you can sue him because he has assets. Yes, he would. Or would. But dad, you could sue him because he has assets. Yeah, for real money. Can we trick Sylvester Stallone out of all his money with some sort of signing scheme?

All right. Who's going to get punched, though? Me, that's what I want. That's what I want. Happily get punched. All of us, I don't care. Change my boat. He just punched twice.

And then rising like a Phoenix towards the very end of this scene and nay, the penultimate scene of the movie comes father Catholic priest who is standing window like above the crowd to bless him assaulting a random boxing performer. Did you guess right? No, because that's the craziest thing you've ever heard and you thought maybe you took some asses for your morning commute. That's what I said. It's real. That's real. You're awake in a lot of. They seriously close out this movie with the Catholic Church giving full sanction to a professional boxer assaulting the old black guy, not a

professional boxer who was not involved in the fight. Yeah. Catholic church cross left, right up down. God thinks this is fine. Yeah. And let's be honest here, at the same time that you have the priest giving the literal thumbs up to Rocky, Kevin, the assault, you have the cops dragging Tommy Morrison and only Tommy Morrison away from this and putting him in the back of the, uh, the, the black and white Christian movie. Christian, no, Christian movie, except for the white guy getting on. But yeah. So now it's time for the

tail scene of the movie. Rocky and his son are running up the stairs to the very real statue that Philadelphia has of the fictional character of Robbie. Yep. And not of Joe Lewis, the boxer who is real from there. I really wanted them to be like running up the stairs of a courthouse and then you just have to go in there and go to jail for assaulting a man. That would be an amazing, but no, he gives him the cuff link and another couple of sensual kisses on the eyelids or whatever. And then literally because the mood like they stand there for a moment and the movie's like, remember the other Rocky movies?

Don't worry. How about a couple of clips of this? Oh, God. And so a, right, they run a montage that is all of the highlights of Rocky 1 through 4, right? And B is an Elton John song. Yep. It's the craziest ending sequence of a movie about a bunch of people that I have ever seen. Unbelievable.

Yep. And that's the film, folks. Rocky 5 and Christian Move Christian Move credits. Christian movie, official. All right. I think that's going to do it for our review of the classic Christian movie Rocky 5. Rocky 5. Can't get mad at that. It's not going to do it for the episode just yet. Because we need to tell you about the fantastic musical that we've got lined up for next week. So Eli, tell us what is on deck?

One of our most requested film, apparently this was huge for home schools and all the like Christian camps and stuff, the Pilgrims progress. Get ready, bro. Rocky five. The muse. Again, we're just doing that from now on. I'm in. Alright, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 213 to a merciful close. Big thanks to Andrew Torres for joining us. Andrew, where can everyone hear more from you?

Oh, yeah. Check out my podcast. Everything's terrible. And yet somehow my Twitter feed has 30,000 socialists telling me Kamala Harris is a cop. And Liz Warren over presents superficial change. So I might as well stay home in 2020 and perpetuate this nightmare. And sorry, I guess just to be clear, she's a fucking cop. Like listen, I guess just good to be clear. She's a fucking cop like listen, I don't want to lie to the listener. You're a god. I know. I know. Welcome back from the time I hit you more than I did for making me watch that

Christian debate movie. And once again, a huge thanks to all the people. It's from generosity. Thank you for that segue, that was extremely. Thank you. You wanna go every three words, if you'd like. Two, help support. The show, you can make a per episode donation.

At Patreon.com. Come slash God, awful, and that'll. You can count right, wow. That'll is hard and get you early access. And preversion in every episode. Plus you can also help us out of ton by leaving a five star of you and iTunes and by sharing the show and all your social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a theist, citation needed and the skeptic rat available on iTunes

Stitcher or wherever else podcasts live. If you have comments, questions or cinematic suggestions, you can email Goddellfulmoveiesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by absolutely no one. All right, this episode we're going rogue, everybody. I disavow myself from everything, plausible, nifability, ESQ. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, a viewer on Mars. All of their music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Andrew Torres in Eli Bosnick, I'm Heath N. Wright promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Tommy Gunn displayed the level-headed temperament and personal loyalty that made him perfect to become Donald Trump's next national security advisor. Rocky 9 in Rascal Scooters is going to be amazing. Teenage Eli loved this movie and watched it three or four times a month as a child and it Well, it just explains a ton

I was there already. Prove it. Prove it with your click. Oh, I was there before you just apparently checked the version history, checked the version history boom, I just typed a kind. I just didn't type a K. There you go. Sack it. Sack it. Sack it.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.