God Awful Movies - 214: Pilgrim's Progress (2017)

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

This week, guest masochist Thomas Smith joins us to take on one of the most beloved works of literature in history. Because it's crap. But not as crap as the movie this community theater troupe put together based on it. --- Check out more of Thomas Smith on Opening Arguments, Serious Inquiries Only, and Philosophers in Space. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And he finds the art deco cross your ant has. This is of course, you know your history, this is where Jesus was crucified on a tiny cross. People were a lot shorter back then. It was written, yes. And the Lord was carried to Pier One and forced to take down the cross from the wall. And Karen said, we've got a new one of those in the back if you want it. And the Lord said, no, this one will be fine. God awful. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be but I'm not in seclusion. He's off on vacation, but by way of playcation, Eli will tell you some jokes. He's already, he's greased. He's 900 miles northeast and he's hoping this opening will end pretty soon.

We're almost ready to go. So let's make with the show Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing except I also wrote the answer to my thing in rhyme and it's I don't want to do it anymore. This is every group project I've ever been a part of except it matters how little I did. Fucking John Bunyan thought I wasn't gonna wrap back. Holy shit. Wait, wait, there's more. I got another one. I got another one. And while Heath will be missed, we have a guest massacist and he's characteristically seeking to bolster his brand opening arguments and that other one serious inquiries only. Thomas, welcome back to the show, sir. Oh, thanks for having me.

Wow, that was fun. Good job. I appreciated that. Uh, can't wait to talk about this heaping pie. Right. Yeah. Okay. So I guess we should explain everyone why the fuck i'm briming thomas tell us what will we be breaking down today bonus points for doing it

and rime we watch the pilgrims progress this film was not a success uh... that's all i got that's that's what it's really really, really bad rhyming. So it's a musical, which right when you said that, I was already, I mean, I'm already in whenever you'd see a, whenever I'm invited for GAM.

I'm in. But then it's like it's a musical, even more in. It's a Christian musical, yep. And based on the Pilgrim's progress written by, as you said, John, Paul Bunyan, John Bunyan, one of the bunion brothers. Yeah. Written in what 1670 something. So I just it's just all around. This is hitting every button that I've ever wanted to be a part of. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, I'll tell you what it sure did age like wine and Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you found the Bible to subtle

and you enjoy bad rhymes in couplets that double, with poems so forced, they're a part of me too, that deep-hills your own progress is the movie for you. There you go. What's that, sir? Take that. Jeb a diabunyan, whatever the first time you are, when I first started writing this,

I wanted to do it in like bad rhyme, like this movie was done, like the book was done, but I just can't bring myself to do that, especially after I realized that damn cast rhymed with lambast, I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah, man. All right.

So yeah, so just be clear, we're going to be lampooning the movie this week, but we're also going to be lampooning the movie this week, but we're also gonna be lampooning it source material The second most widely read spiritual work in history after the Bible the beloved allegory that's been translated into more languages than all but three other books in human history Pilgrim's progress and why are we gonna be lampooning that because it fucking sucks and be an old is no excuse this came out after Shakespeare died Shakespeare was good. He could have been good. This is what killed him. He ran the first six pages of this. He was like nope. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, this was a tough one. I felt like it was hard to do best worst because it's just the fucking worst, but I

thought of one. I think this was probably best worst temptation of Christians. I love it. I love getting in the mind of Christians where they're like, oh, what are the, what are the the, the, the, the, the ats and the, the heathens? What are they like to do? I know. What would be really tempting is dressing up in clown makeup and selling plastic bread. Yeah. For some reason, you can't buy the bread otherwise you're bad. I don't know.

What are the pleasures of the world popcorn and shoes? I was going to say popcorn and shoes. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is that they can't show any of the things that would be tempting in their own movies. So it's always got to be implied. You know, she's wearing a lot of makeup. She's a clown, but it's like a whore. Yeah. I was not tempted by any of them. No, no, no, curiously enough, I think I had a state on the same path with Bill from... Easy. All right, so I was gonna go with honestly, best worst Noah triggers. Okay, the whole thing is done in bad forced rhyme.

You have multiple people sitting up out straight out of sleep from a nightmare. You have bad juggling in the background on multiple occasions. You have Christianity, like basically all my triggers. It was just a dominoes fucking setup of no. All they needed was like some slightly slow customer service and they had exactly an airport line for some reason. Oh, see, I was going to go with best worst anachronisms. No, we've seen a lot of ancient Jerusalem beach towels, but this movie, this movie will

open with the greatest anachronism we've had in any movie, in anything we've ever watched. I paused the movie and rewatched it several times just for the first anachronism in the film. There's more anachronisms than chronicisms. Yeah, right. Yes, yes, exactly. Then a time. Like, singles that girl. He left a Starbucks cup in the shop. It's not that.

It's like it's in a Starbucks and they left an old cup in the Starbucks. Yeah, they left a mug in the Starbucks. Yeah, no, this is a period piece as brought to you by the aliens from dark city. I have no fucking idea when anything is. All right, well, tell you what, this story has actually been translated into 200 languages, which means we're going gonna need to learn a lot of ways to say and shit. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back we'll dive into all the second grade Valentine rhymes that are pilgrims progress. Hey Eli, quick question about the, are you drinking a beer while we record? Oh no Thomas, this is liquid death. Oh god, you guys trying to kill himself again. Again?

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Well, that's nice of them. Where can I buy some? Well, liquid death is only available in a handful of stores, so you have to order it online. You just go to liquiddeath.com slash awful. They're offering listeners an exclusive deal to get two dollars off every case. That's liquid death dot com slash awful or better yet you can click the option to literally sell your soul on their website in exchange for a free case. Yes, you can actually sign a real soul contract that is legally binding for eternity. So wait, just to be clear, this is not a bit. You are joking. You can go to liquid death slash awful and sell your soul for

free case of liquid death. Yeah, you really can. I have never heard of a product more perfect for your audience. Right. I got the stomach pump. I'm here. I'm here. Oh, sorry, false alarm. It's water and a can. Damn it. Sorry, yeah. Okay, everybody. Thank you for coming to the first ever rehearsal for Pilgrim's Progress. Just real quick, want to go over the costumes I'm seeing. Just be clear, we were going for medieval. So, yes, question? Yeah, what about a leather jacket and jeans with a rough, just a random rough around my neck.

Okay, I mean, the rough is good, but those other clothes aren't even... Excuse me. Really? Excuse me. I have like basketball shorts and a white t-shirt with a Nike logo. Again, it's not even close to medieval. Oh, I have a Victorian gown, my great-grandmother left me. Okay, well, that's actually getting...

And I've covered it in iPod Shuffles. Goddamnit. How about a shirt that says if you can read this, it's the year 2017 right now as I wear it? It seems like kind of the opposite of what we're going for. I have that shirt too. Yeah, we all do. Okay.

And we're back and we're going to open up on everybody involved in this movie going, ooh, you guys got a spinny logo. You didn't have probably spent a dollar or two on that spinny logo. Ooh, I told you that Fiverr was going to pay off. Yeah. And they start their movie by drowning a guy. But yes, yes. My first thought was, oh, please tell me whoever was going to be responsible for this movie is now dead. And it's just like, here's what almost could have been the but you, but we've spared you is what I was hoping for. Yeah. Yeah.

We see a guy drowning and then some other guy wakes up from a dream about drowning, I presume, but not about, well, we'll find it later. He was dreaming about another guy dreaming about this guy drowning. But yeah, it's one of those inception things. I expected at any moment, Leonardo DiCaprio to come over and just be like, Hey, you're confusing. By the way, this narrator character is both how I picture Andy Wilson and how I picture his house. So far, so good on this movie. And he walks up to a

little like big urine. He's like, Oh, dream to view. Is this a guy like a man you killed and you're taunting like that? Remember when you guys got a dream about you drowning? You know like isn't that a sinister weird? Remember when I trapped your soul in this carving of a banjo player? Yeah, exactly what? But yeah, and like a pair of okay, so he's dressing up as a Union Army colonel I do believe. Yes!

Okay, and jumping into his Victorian carriage thing. Yeah, of which he's like an Uber carriage driver getting ready for a shift and this is gonna... Okay, but the best part is the carriage very clearly says, hop on hop off carriage, right? Yes, it does. And it is my favorite and we've read the book of fucking more. Yeah. And like from

the movie's perspective, he gets in the carriage and then the carriage drives itself. He's got a fully automatic Victoria. Yeah, one of those Tesla carriages. There's so many. Take a little nap while it drives you. So yeah, no, he ubers this way over to the church apparently. And then we cut to a bunch of people dressed entirely in burlap singing Jesus

thoughts. Okay. In this scene, the costumes range from Halloween pirate to wearing a vest, right? So there are people who are like, and then there's like a full row of guys who are just like, vest, come on, that's old timing. Yeah. We all obviously had these notes. Mine was, the costumes are amazing.

And everyone in the church is starring in a different Gilbert and Sullivan. He's still searching for this. We got like Pirates of Penn's ads. It's just, it's so funny. They're clearly rated a costume shop of not a good community theater, a really shitty low budget community theater. And this is what they had. Yeah.

Yeah, really shitty community theater is definitely what they had. And this church, by the way, it's so pathetic, it shouldn't even bother existing. It's a, you know, like a clown car, but a church. And like they, they show the exterior and it's like a four foot by three foot box. And then inside it's like this huge exterior shot. Yeah, no, it's like a tarnished kind of a thing.

Yeah, exactly. I expected a voice over to kick in at any moment start talking about tiny house culture, but no, it's just church. Well, also, so they they have after so everything's that Jesus song or whatever and then the union army colonel gets up to give a server and he's standing in front of this wall that manages to look unrealistic, right? Like they put a green screen in front of a wall, and then green screened into wall. Yep. Well, the real wall dropped out.

Couldn't be associated with the project. Yeah, it just fell down. It was like, I will not be in this movie. It's collapsed. All right, that makes sense. Yeah, so he thanks everybody for coming. And then he goes back into his church. Oh, God.

And didn't realize we were there. I know. Oh my God. I just was like, Oh, jeez, please no, no, no, no. Don't break the fourth wall. I beg you. I beg you. I need the fourth wall.

I never felt like I needed a fourth wall more. It's like just, it's the one thing I still have. At this point, the ring man. Don't talk to me. Yes, this movie is filmed in the second person, apparently. Oh, God. And also he's like, Hey, you want to help clean? And then he pauses for a second. Like the actor goes, right, not actually there.

Well, I guess I'll tell you a story, not sure why I introduced the idea of you cleaning. It's probably so I can do insane pantomimes for the rest of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, so he's going to tell us the story of this movie while he cleans up his church. And after he tells us this, the movie basically just does a mulligan and starts different. Like, you know what, you know what, now that I think about it, the

drowning thing was fucking stupid. Let's start again. Sorry. New credits, new credits. Like in Holy Grail, yeah, exactly. And then this is the first time they start rhyming in the movie. And this is where my notes are just, are they gonna rhyme the whole movie? Be fast forwarding. They rhyme the whole movie. I quit cut off all movies. Oh.

Yeah. Fucking painful. And not like, you know, not good rhymes. Like Eli's part of the intro. Not mine. and painful and not like, you know, not good rhymes, like Eli's part of the intro, not mine. Yeah. But in rhyme, he's telling us the story of a guy walking through the wilderness who then rests by a stream

and dreams the story. So we're now with three level, four levels in to being told this story. Yeah, I think that could explain why time is moving so fucking slowly. Yeah, I think that could explain why time is moving so fucking slowly. And why no one was willing to draw him a maze in the movie. I get it. Exactly. Inception as imagined by doctors, soos on acid. Okay. But he was dreaming of a guy having a rough go of it. Turning into Bible man was the visual that we got, but this is pilgrim. This is our main character.

We're finally going to get whatever five levels deep and meet the guy this movie is about. Yes, who is Jeremiah Trigger. Yes. Thank you so many of my notes are Jeremiah. Does this Jeremiah? See now I had him, I feel bad for Jeremiah now, but I had him as poor man's Nick Cage, which is weird because Nick Cage is poor man's Nick Cage. Yeah. Why, why you have to make all those movies? Yeah. Right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's got to pay off that debt become just middle class man's Nick Cage. Yeah. It makes, it makes seven more national treasures, I think. It will help. off that debt become just middle class men's Nick Cage. Yeah, they're gonna make it. It would make seven more national treasures, I think. It would help.

So at this, it's at this point I'm thinking there is zero chance we're all going to agree on an accent. I take it, right? Yeah, yeah. It's my chance we're all gonna agree. Yeah. It's like the accents are like the different costumes. It's all fucking God knows what.

Oh, it's just a bunch of kids that are taking this D&D game too seriously. Yeah. We range any, I was going to say we range anywhere from Elizabethan to know you got hit with a fireball first. To like one of the actors was like, well, I do a killer fat bastard from Austin Powers, what are two, whatever it it was like that's still relevant, right? Yeah. Do that except that for some reason. That's. Yeah. So, okay. So Pilgrim is burned down by sin, which will be visualized in this movie by a comically large backpack that'll be carrying through the first half of it. And he's read in his Bible about how his town is going to burn to the ground and the apocalypse is just around the corner.

So he better get the hell out of there. He said the book that was written in the 1600s. Yeah, right, right. Also Jesus also said that. Yeah. Yeah, it's a gigantic backpack. And I have to assume if you crack open one of the chambers of it, it's just whacking off. Like that's all you're doing, right?

There's like a giant, just a bunch of the backpacks full of sin. Yeah. Sharpie on them says whacking off whacking off. I will see you doing it. It's 1600. I mean, I'm sure he murdered like one person. There's a murder break at the very bottom. It's like, there it is.

His podium wasn't all whacking off. His wife reads the Bible, she gets like triple the size backpack. Okay. Okay. Oh, no, no. Speaking of his wife, you get to see a pilgrim woman's bra strap. That's cool. Pilgrim bra strap. Yeah. Yeah. They appearance. Yeah. Back back when they had those, definitely. And in addition to pilgrim, I guess it's his wife, but like, are they married or is she, is this a roast comedy that that's what they just roast him in rhyme? Every member of the family, that's forward. Yeah. Says how much they can.

One of those kids, by the way, they had never spoken. It was their first word and it's a roast in rhyme of this pathetic husband. And they all agree. The one thing is tire family agrees on is this guy's a dumb piece of shit. And you should get the hell out of here. Yeah, I was looking away at my notes when that kid talked and I was like, Oh, is the dog getting in on the, no, it was the youngest. It was just, yeah, dog just peeing on him the whole family hates him. Yeah, the family hates him. They don't believe him that the town is about to be destroyed.

It won't be by the way. We watch the whole fuck. They're right. Yeah, so he runs away from his family, screams at the sky somewhere and that's where he meets a guy named evangelist. Now, if you're not familiar with Pilgrim's progress, all the characters are named like that, right? Like there's a character named Mr. Turnback, he'll turn back.

There's a guy named Evangelist, there's a guy named Atheist. He's fucking awesome. But yeah, he's the best. So he's my second favorite character in the movie. But yeah, we need Evangelist. And here's my theory. They had like an Irish cousin visiting. Or this guy was just good at an Irish accent because I will

not understand a single syllable that he says in the movie, right? First line I have down here as fly to Nurokite. That was fly to the narrow gate, but yeah. So I guess we only have access to this guy's notes. We don't actually have the original work in which he figured out the names of the characters. We just have the players who are like, well, this guy will be a fucking evangelist and then I'll come up with a good name writer. Yeah, exactly.

I didn't actually get the real draft, I guess. Yeah. So evangelist holds hands up Pilgrim a scroll and the scroll basically just is get the fuck out of here, right? Yeah. The scroll says leave and he tells him to look for the, as Noah mentioned, narrow gate, which will be the first of 845,000 McGuffins that this movie introduced. Also, also, it won't be a narrow. No, it'll just be normal gate sized because they couldn't afford a narrower game. And it was at this point I typed in the Super Bowl shuffle is better rhyming them. Oh, yeah, everything in it is just so forced.

They're like, you know, running words together to make them fit in the rhyme scheme. It's terrible. So a pilgrim goes running off and then two of his neighbors go to follow him, overweight people can't run as fast as underweight people. That's got a, there's a lot of humor there. They were knows not so sure of anything ever in the history of their lives and that this fat lady running joke was going to kill. They're like, Linda, you're going to hear him like talking about this talking off. This is great. We should spend a full six minutes of screen time on this lady. She is based on screen time, the main character of this movie.

Well, though, yeah, this, this scene ends with like a trailing laughter, like one of the ends of our ads or something. Yeah. But this is what's your name, Mrs. Bitchie and her husband, Mr. Turnback. Or what was her name? I don't know. Is Turnback that's code for the fact that he's clearly gay and she's a beard? Is that that is so much of dark reading. I thought just thought it was referencing the fact that he quits later on. Oh, no, I think he's definitely gay.

And that's a big thing. This guy is clearly closeted. I mean, it could be, I think he's definitely gay. And that's a signal. This guy is clearly closeted. I mean, it could be both. They definitely code him gay. They have him in like, fuck well, at least sorry, I should say they have him in Foppish, like Victorian wear from the waist up and pajamas pants. He got the first half of that costume. Spoiler alert, atheist will get his rough. If each person don't they use his half a costume? You can have twice the number. Yeah, it's exactly. And that explains the church scene right there too.

Everybody's in the pews, no one has pants on in that scene. You see that old dollar bill trick, you know, where if you have enough of them and you cut the end off of the one and then you shift them all down remember that? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's like that, but with costumes. It's that but with casting exactly. Yeah. All right, so yes, so but the chick is not gonna go with them, but Mr. Turnback is right? He decides to to walk the narrow path with Pilgrim. So they go to walk together and shit and Pilgrim's telling them all about

how awesome Jesus is in song. Yes, this is our first musical number. And it's a Mumford in Sun song. This musical number is so bad because it's, tell me all about heaven, it's going to be so great, right? And all these God is like like it's not like the earth. Also, Jesus will be there. Oh, and the music is, I expect better music than this when I put a quarter in the horsey ride in front of the IGA, okay? Like this is terrible music. Mm-hmm.

And this guy that's with him, I, my nose just like, why is Peewee Herman with him? I don my nose just like why is Peeley Herman with him? I don't know. And we should point out that Jeremiah, the the pilgrim here, he is so sure he's a rock star. Yeah. He does so many inappropriate rock yells at various musical points in this move, just like, and Jesus, Jesus will be there. Yeah.

And that's when I thought, you know, Jesus Christ superstar isn't better than this. Sorry. It's not equal. It's about the same. All right. Moving on. No, I wrote my note, holy shit. Helgum's progress.

Fucking rocks, guys. I had no idea. He'd been converted. Yeah. I wrote my note, holy shit, Hogan's progress. Fucking rocks, guys. I had no idea. He's been converted. Yeah, there you go. But unfortunately for them and for us, the last number ends with them coming across a broke down bridge. So they've got to find a new way around and this stupid goddamn movie has to go on extra

long because of it, right? Oh, and they are trying so hard not to stand up and show you how shallow this water is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those 17 inch rainwater ponds will get you brutal. Well, they, okay, yeah, they're crossing a dangerous bog on a slippery log and then they fall in. But yeah, it's the fucking drowning scene from men in tights.

Right. I was thinking that same thing. I was sure I could make that reference. Is men in tits still good? Can we make that? Yeah, but like they're very clearly like, first of all, they say it's a swamp. You don't drown in swamps. You stand the fuck up.

And so this water immediately makes Mr. Turnback quit. And he has a wonderfully beautiful meltdown that almost breaks the rotten scheme. He's like, it's okay. We'll be on our way. No, fuck you. Fuck you. You did not see there was going to be water.

You didn't know. You said there was going to be water. Uh, yeah, he's like, uh, even my fat lady beard is better than this. I'm not leaving. Yeah, he's like, I didn't know beard is better than this. I'm not even. Yeah, he's like, I didn't know he was falling into water, a bunch of bullshit. So yeah, Mr. Turnback turns back, I guess we should have seen that coming. And not only that, but he's such a dick about it.

He won't even help pilgrim get back out of the 17 inches of water he's drowning in. But don't worry, there's a guy there to help him out by just telling him yeah, just just walk out of it The guy comes to his rescue is just like okay, come on come out. That's all he does He doesn't do a man named help literally. Yeah, it's like All right, you're gonna want to get out of the water. Oh get out And I love it's like help is trying to make pilgrim not feel stupid as he walks out of the way. Right. Right. Right. And I love it. It's like help is trying to make pilgrim not feel stupid as he walks out of there. He's like, yeah, no, man.

People drown in those 17 inches of water all the time. Happens constantly. They should put up some orange cones or something, you know. Yeah, she get a paper towel. Yeah. And he saved by a guy costume for the nutcracker, by the way, so another, another, another genre. Hey, it's whatever the fuck was in the back.

Okay, that's what they were. He's from the, he's got a costume from a three musketeers bar. Yeah, right. Strip bar. Yeah. Yeah. And then bless their optimistic little hearts. They left space for a commercial guys.

Oh, I felt so sorry for them. As I found this movie, by the way, this movie has a website. They were sure it was going to get distribution. And then finally, like, you look at their super nice, someone paid someone's cousin to make a website. And then it's just, here it's on YouTube. You can watch it. Please.

Just put on my fucking watch it. Let's hope we get picked up three in the morning life of time, channel. We could do it. No, they couldn't. Yeah. So, so we come back from commercial. We're back to that union kernel narrating to remind us that this is all done in second person. And then we cut back to Pilgrim coming across a worldly man, which will be represented by a fat dude in the British judges.

I'm just like, please no, I'm just typing, please no, just I see what's about to happen. I just, I don't want this character. I just don't want to. This was the one theater major involved in the movie. You're like, you never really got cast in anything and complain it was all politics. You know, like, oh, the actors just cast their favorite, like, is that guy? But he did technically take the classes and graduated with a degree in theater.

So he's here to fucking ham it up. Like, he's really, really gonna make us laugh. Oh, yeah, he was, he had him rolling in the aisles of church. So he was ready for his big starring role And what I love is that this character's supposed to be like a snooty world They person but all he does is point out how stupid the allegory of the gate is He's like wait going through the gate will cleanse your sin and he's like yeah, no because I have a burden and they They'll all go away when I go through the gate and he's like yeah, but if if you're carrying a thing, why don't you just put it down and he's like,

shh. And he's like, okay, well, what if you just, you know, came to a place where everyone was kind and generous and took care of each other. And he's like, shut up, stop it, stop, we're supposed to go to the gate. Yeah, well, and this is such a ridiculous fucking temptation as well, right? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that is one of the temptations of the protagonist, which by the way, they symbolize as a mountain because you know, being kind and generous and taking care of each other is impossible like climbing a mountain. Yeah, I, that's what I was thinking too.

I was like, wow, hiking to the top of Mount Shasta or wherever they filmed this. It doesn't seem easier than what Jeremiah was doing before. Like, it actually seems a lot harder. Yeah, he, right, right. Yeah, seems like they're fucking up their own allegory, right? And they're trying to climb up like obsidian stones the whole time. Was this fucking mordor?

Where? Gollum jumps on him like stitchbacks, man. Use some switchbacks. It's gay. It's a longer route, but it'll be a lot easier on. Like I don't believe the close-up shots are the same as the far-wish. I don't think it's an entire mountain made of obsidian pebbles.

Yeah, no, no. I think that's actually Mount Fuji. They bought the stock footage of Fuji and then they filmed the movie at the old quarry. So yeah, that's a matchup. Also, this is where the voice of God booms out to just be like, fuck being a good person and go back. Yeah. And in case that wasn't clear enough, evangelist shows back up and says, fuck being a good

person, go back. Right. But evangelist shows up and is like, you know, chastising him for where he is. And he's like, well, what are you doing here, evangelist? Like we're both on top of this dumb ass. We're both on this metaphorical mountain. Like it's like running into someone at a brothel, isn't it? We're like, well, okay, we're both going to pretend we're not here. But I can be like, Hey, what are you doing at this brothel?

We just followed each other in. Yeah. Yeah. I was here to catch you. Yeah. No. No. I didn't even notice that because I was so busy reflecting on the fact that Christians

have so thoroughly internalized the being of good person isn't the point and doesn't matter message that they don't even know it's fucked up anymore. Yeah, they don't even understand that when they translate it into fairy tale ease, the way they have done in this movie and book, it's patently absurd and makes no sense anymore. Yeah, right. Well, I thought this was just a dig at the Jews, isn't it? Cause this is about like, oh, the Old Testament world. Yeah, Mount Sinai, yeah.

Yeah, it's not going to get you there. Yeah. Mainly just to bash Jews, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. That was certainly the intent in 1632 or whatever. Yeah. There's definitely a cutscene at the top of the mountain where a bunch of people are like complaining about the weather and adjusting the thermostat over and over again. But yeah. So evangelist doesn't, it doesn't matter if he's a good person, be a good person, doesn't help it all. And he decides to emphasize this point in song with music brought to us from the free credit report dot com band. Oh, this is a modest mouth song. Actually, if you listen to it, all right. Now I was with on mom for the sun. I like

my smile. Come from modest. Yeah. I like my I just say modest mouse at the very least has clever fucking rhyme. Oh yeah. But like that that they the the aesthetic of it. Like it's just oh yeah yeah rip offs of different things. Yeah. No, seriously. Certainly that's what they're going for. But as imagined by the free credit report, calm band. Yeah. I agree with you there. And then at a certain point in the music, I was like, is somebody going to shoot somebody? Cause I don't know. I don't know.

Law and orders. I was like, Yeah. Like what is it somebody going to die right now? But then no, no, no, that happened. No, like there's also just a tiny moment at the end of this little like song about how great it's going to be and to stay on the true and narrow Where the narrator goes so they hugged and they parted and they very clearly do not hug

Yeah, it's very clear you're the narrator and they're like Exactly thing except it was like yeah, except they didn't hug there They're like and now they hug and they're like now man like yeah, except they didn't hug their, their, their like, and now they hug and they're like, no man, no. No. And now he shakes my hand. No, he walks away. He walks away.

Yeah. Just but they don't even, there's nothing. They don't even like fist bump. Can we get anything now? No. All right. So then Pilgrim walks away from evangelist and comes across that narrow gate, which again is just normal gate with, there's nothing narrow about it, but it's locked. So he slams himself against it once

and it doesn't give any slams himself against it. Good another time and it doesn't give. And then he reads the sign that says just knock asshole. Yeah. I never considered reading. And the best part is this is someone's front gate in Bayon, New Jersey, wherever they film this fucking movie. So we can't slam into it too hard. So he's got to do like a little bit like chasing a toddler. Yeah. Here I come. Runnin' into the gate. And while this is happening, we are next musical rip off, which is like, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Now I was just like, oh, please God, flash. Whoa.

That was a good one. That was like, it's got that baseline going. Uh, I want him to bust into it. Oh, but no, no, he knocks and a guy comes through and says, oh, yeah, no, this is the narrow gate. It's not symbolic of anything really. You just, just means that you're going further down this path your princess isn't another castle. Yes, I'm trying to tell the princess is in another castle.

And again, up until this point, the entire movie has been about how his sins will fall away through this gate. And the guys like, yeah, you made it to the gate. Step one in a long, long series of steps. I should have. I feel like we shouldn't sell the gate so hard so much is that anyways yeah get on get on in there we've got an angry angry man who's house we stole from next

all right and at that point they show up a close-up of Jeremiah Trigger here and I sincerely hope that they tried to make his teeth yellow just for the time period and that it's not as real teeth yellow just for the time period and that it's not as real teeth because it's like they rubbed some like movie theater popcorn butter and disgusting. Oh, I really hope that was intentional, not just that guy. So, all right, so now we're going to meet interpreter of the interpreter. Interpreter!

Oh, my, okay. So he shows up at this guy's house. He knocks. He doesn't even do you the fucking sign. Doesn't slam into this door at all. He knocks. And the guy invites him in. Like he's about to show off his

Transformers collection, right? He's like, oh, come in. I've got some really cool shit to show you. Well, what do we say invites him in? Listen, come on this little metaphor journey with me. Imagine you put Noah in 700 years at gunpoint and made him participate in this movie. That will be interpreter's performance throughout this film. Oh, hi, how's it coming? Welcome to my house. I'll teach

you many things. Come inside. No, I had it down in my notes. As this guy's delivering his lines, like he's not allowed to pee until he finishes that. This guy I had sent it. This guy is bad for this movie. Like he even relative to this movie. I just wanted to go into the, the Wayne's world like, look, I know it's a small part, but I'm sure we can do better than this. I know the guy out, bringing Charlton Heston, Gordon Street.

And again, as he walks in, we learn why interpreter will be hate yelling all of his lines because someone has put him in the most fabulous fucking Moo Moo you've ever seen on an 89 year old marine colonel. I love to do this. Such a minor part of the movie, but pilgrim when they go into the house pilgrims looking at this painting And he's like, yeah, this is the super holy guy. God loved him especially and pilgrims like, oh wow I sure hope that I could be as holy as the guy in that painting someday and interpreters like no you can't now Let's go to the musty dust here

Come on again. He does this class is bit right? Isn't that now? We're just fucking oh my god? It's comedy gold. One second. Let me take a look at you. Huh? My eyes are getting bigger. Yeah, he holds his glasses farther away and like close up like rear, rear, rear, I'm like that's not how glasses work. Especially in 16 fucking hundreds.

But they spend so much time on the bit, right? Yeah. He like this guy screamed at everyone right before this take and he was like, and you're all going to shut up. Well, I do my mother fucking glasses bit. And then after he pulled it off, he was like, well, I mean, obviously you guys owe me an apology. Like that was worth it. I was clearly fucking comedy.

A harsh one, but it's for gold like that. Let's all watch the daily. Actually, we're all watching the day. And we the narrator butts in right around here because this is where he's windexing his windows while he's telling the story. Okay, I'm just like, he's like, you think I have time to tell you, stop what I'm fucking doing for every camera crew who wants to hear my story about that sat in the hat,, pilgrim, whatever bullshit.

Please get in line. I've got shit to do, but I tell you story. My mouth is going to windex the grease off my windows because I can't stop for everybody who wants to hear the story. Okay. And that's the rest of the movies. Do a different chores and stuff. He's doing more and more insane chores every time we reach him. Yeah. Spoiler alert.

Next time we see him, he will be picking his lawn by hand. You will. All right, so back in the story, we go to the musty dusty room, which is both musty and dusty. And so this, okay, so the metaphor here, we walks into the room, and there's a guy trying to sweep up the dust,

but the broom's just kicking more dust up. And so then a lady comes through and mobs it because the dust is like sin and the broom is like the law, but the mop is like salvation from Jesus. And look, in this movie's defense, this is much better as a written metaphor than it is when you watch a 14 year old girl pour water on a bunch of stuff

and then see the floor covered in gross shit and mud and she pretends to be cleaning it, right? She's like, there you go. All better not spreading it around and now wet. If that's what you're thinking. Yeah, a couple of things. First, look, based on all the other end agronisms in this movie, I'm pretty sure you have a Dyson vacuum hand.

You just fucking use that. on all the other end, acronyzms in this movie, I'm pretty sure you have a Dyson vacuum hand. I love this. In olden times, mobs were just current mobs, but with a tree branch for handle. Yeah. They just cut off the like modern mop head, but then like a fucking tree, like a shitty, like it's not even like it's a good tool, you know, a good piece of straight wood. It's just like a fucking tree branch. Yep. Yeah.

But also like, I'm sorry, again, you know, once you visualize these things, they all fall apart. They're like Hindu myths in that way. But do they just have that poor old guy standing up in that room all day sweeping just in case somebody comes by? That's fucked up. Yep. Sweeping just so someone can come by and then someone can do his job

and then be like, look at that stupid asshole. I feel like if there's a death meeting, the house of metaphor is death meeting, he's like, what if I like try to sweep and then I fail and then I get them up and they were like, well, then what would Alice in dude? And he's like, you know, I don't know what Alice in would fucking do me.

I don't know how to do metaphor. You know, every time she finishes mob and that fucking thing, we have to come up with a new name for it. So Dave just lies in bed. He's not even a metaphor. There's so much turnover though, because several previous sweepers died of lung related illness. Yeah. Every couple of weeks.

And again, we should point out this is an allegory inside an allegory inside a dream about a dream. Yeah. Uh, yeah. So she finishes Mopin. They have to come up with a new name for that room. And then they go to another torture to allegory room. This is the one where the guy is raking muck as a lady tries to give him a crown, but he

just doesn't look up to heaven. so he doesn't know to take it Yeah, this lady has my mom's exact nail job circa 1996 I had to spend a lot of time sitting in the nail salon while my mom got nails done because I never got to do anything is kid It's exact like it's the perfect It couldn't be a moron agrenistic thing. They got a close-up, dude I'm like, ooh look at my nail job from 1996. I mean, it's an acronym stick now, too. All right.

Yes. But yeah, so he won't stop raking muck because he's too in love with the worldly things and he doesn't bother to look up and see heaven, but there is also a third allegory room. Well, one more thing on that allegory room, I was trying to work out the whole time. Like, okay, his horrible fucking haircut is part of the allegory, right? Like there must be. Okay, thank you.

Yeah, I was trying to work it out. Like, the part, the awful center greasy part on his hair that's too short to part, you know, like it's that hairdo. It looks like he's trying to give each side of his head different length bangs. Yes. And I'm thinking, oh, what's the spiritual significant? Oh, no, he's just, that's his hair. Okay.

No, never mind. There were a couple of people where I had that thought, like, what is his hair represent? Like, would he be faithful later? So, like, yeah, parting of the sea or anything, I don't know, something, nope, just, just bad. Okay, just horrible. All right. So now it's time to move to our third room and I'm not going to even call it an allegory

room because it's just a dude. First of all, they open the fucking door. He sits straight up out of his fucking sleep from a nightmare on cue. When they open the door and there's just a sleeping guy, I wanted so badly for to just be like all right for your third task fuck my friend Ted while he's asleep or is just like he's just not ready like oh fuck sorry this not a lot of not a lot of pilgrims come through here when I say I was supposed to cover this room and beans We're not sorry. We're not supposed to cover this room in beans. Uh, yeah. If it's you count the beans. Oh, man, I'm so sorry. I've had the flu all week. I didn't know you're going to come. Can we pretend that my sleeping is the is the metaphor?

Figure out we're gonna have water. But also through every door, they have to do the fucking close-up. Like the microscopic close-up of the definitely not 1600s door handles like come on. Yeah, they're the standard door handles with a little pop lock thing that obviously was not around in the 1600s. Wasn't even around in the 1960s. All right, but yeah, but in the third room they come across a guy who is having a nightmare about Jesus coming back and fucking our shit up Yep, and I just wrote in my notes. Oh, I've had this acid trip to have some orange juice, dude. It's gonna be okay. Yeah Yeah, at least so he he starts explaining this Interminable dream like he just goes to do it I was thinking partway through Jeremiah is gonna be like, you know, I don't know why I asked

I'm not really that interesting. We close the door like, okay. Also, my kind of journey was started by me having visions of the world ending. So, because your dream kind of feels repetitive. Yeah, find your own lane. Yeah, right. Well, it is if we didn't already notice that, they pointed out, right? So they're like, all right, we're gonna leave that motherfucker there. So they leave Nightmare Ned and then Pilgrim explains that he's had the same dream well sucks to be you

At least you're not the musty dusty room that motherfucker's got cancer But yeah, so they're like he's like I've had the same dream and there's like yeah Yeah, no, we know we were watching the beginning of the movie. And then interpreter kicks him to the fucking curvy. He's like, all right, well, that's all you get from my house. No warm food or a bed to sleep at nothing like that. Get the fuck out. So clearly this actor being like, all right, get out. My wife has bridge club and she said that we're here. Three thirties. She'll take my moo moo. Yeah. And nice close up on the plastic part of his glasses that didn't exist until the 1900s. And also I at this point I realized I keep the our main character, Mr. Pilgrim here,

who's the actual real name is Jeremy by this close. I cannot listen to this guy's fucking wimpery voice anymore. Was it just me? He decided his characters. And I had the same dream. is he decided his characters. And I had the same dream. And I heard the whole time. So yeah, yeah. Fuck. The kid that played Dennis the Menace in the old character. Yeah, no, it's it's nails on a chalkboard.

All right, so he's back on the narrow path. He comes across a fork in the road, gets on his knees, and he prays for some advice from God on which way to go. And that's when he meets the best character in the show. Yeah. 1600s me. Tom Kaufflin with a gig at a burlash show. That's really good. Atheon.

That is absolutely it. Right. I have him as high school volleyball coach who got attacked at the renfarin doesn't want to talk about it. But this is, this guy's name is atheist. He's an atheist kind of like, you know, he didn't really have a choice in the matter. It would have been really confusing if he'd grown up to be Christian. He is wearing a rough and a t-shirt. Yeah, I have that he's playing Beatle juice and a new production.

And they made a musical out of that. He's like a bad community theater version. Yeah. But you have to admit, I mean, he kind of, he nailed Atheus, right? Like admit it, this is not like a boss. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got us. If we're at Bill, first of all, like, he laughs at this guy for like five minutes when

he realizes that he's praying in the middle of the road to see which way to go. And I'm like, all right, so far this is a fair portrayal. Yeah. Can I tell you though? Look, if it's a year 1670, and he's like, hey, science has all the answers, I'm like, well, you know, maybe I'm on the, maybe you don't pull the trigger on that quite yet.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't, what answers did they even have at that point. And I have a theory that Atheist was supposed to sing his lines because the backup music comes in during his lines is like, and this guy was just like, I'm God, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think he like gotten a big fight with the director and agreed to do like one last Italian run through and they just shot it. And that's what they can't.

It's like, it's like who's lying? How Colin never sings in the last part, you know, the, the, the ho down. Yeah. One of them that never said, he's just, I don't know, don't know, it was that, that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Mr. Sevalis, Mr. Nevermind. You know what?

And there's also in here, I think maybe right before this, we get another quick peek at the narrator who's changing the oil on his lectern. I don't know why he's like under there. Look, again, I can't pause my whole day for you, fuckers. Like I got you to do. I'm just on my lectern here. Yeah. And so, okay, this line from it, basically we have atheist basically get into a rap battle

with Pilgrim and then drop the goddamn mic and go home. Yep. Right. He wins. His last line is, I laugh at your ignorance, poor simpleton. You believe in God's word and our burden by sin. Mic drop walks the fuck off. Right. To which Pil pilgrim responds by passive aggressively

praying and yes he deals down for like okay he was a jerk face big old jerk face god just uh you know if you're ever going to give anyone like cancer or the tongue or anything I don't want to tell you how to do your job. And you feel really stupid. I got this big backpack and everything. And you get it. As he's praying, you get a nice shot of this fucking disgusting red chest sunburn that he got during filming. And he's got like a boil in it. It's, oh my god. It's intense. Yeah. It's really bad. It's not what you want. Between him and the dust room guy like they went through the like all kinds of different cancers in this. Yeah. movie. All right. So yeah. So he metaphorically turns off this podcast and keeps going back down the

narrow path. We get a little walking montage, and then eventually he gets to mount cavalry apparently. And he finds the art deco cross your ant has. Right. This is of course, you know your history. This is where Jesus was crucified on a tiny cross. So people were a lot shorter back then. And the Lord was carried to peer one and forced to take down the cross from the wall. And Karen said, we've got a new one of those in the back if you want it. And the Lord said, no, this one will be fine. It really changes what is one of the, like most powerful parts of the Bible,

which is Jesus carrying the cross. You know, if he's like, Oh, I can, well, fuck, he could have juggled a couple of those. Yeah, yeah, there's just the one cross. Do I need, is anybody doing it extra crosses?

I could probably do four or five of that. And his wife's purse. All right. And then of course, this is where pilgrim can finally throw off that big silly backpack. He's been carrying. And then it just rolls back down the hill. I so wanted to cut to like a little kid and a picnic getting crushed by that at the bottom or something.

Yeah. Oh, these jerk off bricks. Oh. Yeah. I have similar note, which is, yeah, just fuck whoever's at the bottom of that. And I have to say this, I don't know how many people get this, but this is, this is where I realized this singer is definitely a Jeff Buckley fan. Like he is really trying to sound like Jeff Buckley.

And it deserves me because I love Jeff Buckley. I'm like, no, stop doing that because I hate this and you're ruining it. He's Jeff Buckley interpreted from I couldn't afford to go to the concert, but sitting in the parking lot is just as good. And also I'm pretty sure he's wearing a woman's blouse. I'm pretty sure. He will wear a variety of blouses man's women at one point He just gives up and starts wearing athletic shorts his costumes change wildly from scene to scene Well, we're about to get one of those changes actually so he sings his we're almost halfway through the movie song

And then when he's done with his song There are a couple of angels there. They've brought power Angels And what's great is they have a sort of angels there, they've brought power ups. Angels. Yeah. And what's great is they have a sort of like, oh, how long, how long were you guys there? Because, uh, I just need to throw the backpack. I'm gonna get that.

I was just, I'm just gonna lean that. I'm just gonna lean that. And, uh, my name is like with, with angels this hot, I get why the people of Sodom wanted to fuck them over that dude's daughters Yeah, his guys and they will give him what I would describe as a gift basket of Here's your scroll and your key and your iPod shuffle these are all gonna come in the last 14 seconds of the movie Here's your mylar cape also

coming the last 14 seconds of the movie. Here's your mylar cape. Also, here's a plastic sword that we picked up. We got it in November because they put all that shit on sale in November. And I, another note, sucks to be an angel with acne. Like, oh yeah.

Ask your boss about that one. Like, hey, I feel like this, I don't need to have acne, right? I mean, we're holy. I mean, you're more or less in charge of all this like why why would I have this no? Because on the outside of the package it says no babies and you guys are just giant baby faces surrounded by fire So there's nothing I could do for you. Sorry So yeah, they do give them a shield for when he has to fight some nights of the round table

Yeah, yeah, they give him a sword, he goes back and kills atheist. And then we get the pan out shot where you see very clearly tire tracks on that kelvin. Oh, it's good. Well, another thing I love about this too is that it's like, he's like, ah, finally, I've made it to my destination and I can throw off this backpack. And they're like, no, no, the movie. We're like halfway through. You're still walking on the narrow path.

That's the whole, the whole thing. Right. I know that it seems like after you went through the gate, he very clearly said that the end of your journey would be here and that you just got rid of your sins. So it would seem like this is the end, but no, it is. It actually has quite a bit further to go. And the ending is really upsetting and gross. Let me tell you.

All right. And you still have to rhyme the entire time. Sorry. No. Here's your sword. Keep that receipt. We got to give it back to Halloween adventure after the movie. So yeah. So we cut back to church cleaning guy, whatever. These clean in the underside of his blinds now or something. And then we rejoin pilgrim who's he's cleaning the underside of his blinds now or something. And then we rejoin pilgrim who's he's dodging rocks with his shield and shit trying to look bad ass. And they're they're trying to like the metaphor here is like now he's using the shield and the armor of God to protect him against all the things that he came across in his journey. But like they show him trying to climb rocks with his big fucking shield

that's clearly getting in the way. Can't do it. It would be so much easier if he didn't have the goddamn shield. And he's dodging the rocks like me playing dodgeball in third grade. It is not an empowering image. Cool. Get away. No.

And also for the record, I don't think that's how shield handles work. His shield has like a purse strap He can like hold it up and and like hope that it It's got it's strangely enough. It's got the kind of hardware you'd need if you were gonna hang it on a fucking wall That's all that Wow, that's uncanny. It's exactly what it looks like. Yeah. All right, but he gets to the top of mountain. Oh, God. And then he comes across the movies only African American. I was gonna say he comes across the supervillain who is a black person. A black, a normal black person. Completely just a black guy. That's all it is.

Well, they've put him in like lizard makeup or whatever. And it's just like, yeah, but like you clearly used black guy, man. I mean, yeah. I was gonna say, no, I've fought these guys in Breath of the Wild. They always have the good shape. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, the Lizalfos. The crossbow.

Yeah. Yeah. I just put the Breath of the Wild now. Can we know if you want to show? Yeah, let's see. I was just picturing what it must have been like when they, like, announced the casting for this, right? They're all sitting around just to see a white faces. He's sitting up towards the bread and they're like, and finally for O'Polly on the evil beast, we're thinking Dave, you could do it. And everyone's just already looking at it.

Y'all gonna make me play the bird line, aren't you? I'll be your fucking bird line. I hate you guys. So, yeah. So, he's the king of something or something. He demands that Pilgrim turn back and he's like, no, because I'm on Jesus's side. And Apollo is like, oh, dude, your god totally got to ask you by Romans. And then it's time for the big fight scene.

Oh, yeah, it's jabbel in blocking time. Oh, dude. So I, not, first of all, I would watch this guy block this fucking spear over and over again on repeat for the rest of my life. And secondly, he does, right? Like there's no fucking question that this is his the background on every computer he's ever owned is him Blocking this fucking spear with his shield. Well, the the the Lionel or whatever it is in Zelda He throws a spear at him. He blocks the spear of the shield and the the spear explodes Yeah, it's a explode Which means and I will pay any amount of money for this footage.

If you're listening makers of this movie, please, any amount of money, there is cut footage somewhere of this guy getting beamed in the fucking chest by the spear and then crying and yelling about how he wasn't ready. And I need that footage. I need, it needs to be my screen saver. Well, if you're fucking shield at a real handle, I would have had to hold it up. It was weird. See, I was given this guy a lasolfo credit. You went Lionel, man. I don't think this

guy can take out a Lionel. That's the dish. And I love to because they cut back to the fucking narrator who's like, and they had a great fight scene. If we could pull off that kind of thing, but I think we both know we can't. Tim did not get hurt during the second take of the Javinen. Just trust me when I say it, it was a great fight. And nobody used the N-word a moment. Gamer in heart. And we had to cut early for the day. That is not what happened. It was just a get gas fight. But, uh, but Dave, if you're watching, we're still really sorry.

Thank you for signing the release before we got the footage. Appreciate that. All right. So we're a professional. We cut back to the fight. Well, like the post fight, right? Like we've missed the big cool fight scene. So now Pilgrim is disarmed. Apollion is about to stab him with his spear, but wouldn't you know what? Jesus literally gives him Jedi powers. Yeah. He does the exact lightsaber call from Empire Strikes Back. To which, by the way, a polyon, the giant beast goes, oh, oh, okay. Great. Now I'm a dead lion

lizard. We should know using religion magic. Yeah, he has his spear on his throat. And instead of just being like, oh, I see the sword forcing. I'll just go ahead and finish it right now in the clear five seconds I have before the I'm stabbed. Yeah. Right. It does nothing like. All right.

Well, tell you what, that's as close to a high point as this movie is ever going to get. So we're going to pause there. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Would you like this movie on a boat? Would you like this movie with a goat? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the infantisidal conclusion of pilgrim's progress. Nah, huh? Harder. I'm I'm pulling.

Hey guys, what do you do to Eli's face? Ugh. Well, look who it is. Look who what is. I guess. Well, say Eli's a little jealous of you being better looking than him, so we're pulling on his teeth out. Ah, everyone loves a guy without teeth.

Okay, one, I do not know how those sentences are connected. And two, come on Eli, you look fine. No, when we were in California, that waiter compter dinner and said, you had the face of an angel. That was one time. Well, there was also that lady at the winery that kept asking if your eyes could heal her baby. And they did.

Her baby wasn't even that sick. Eli, it looked, if you want a straighter smile, why not try candid? I mean, I could stop overeating, it look, if you want a straighter smile, why not try candid? I mean, I could stop overeating, but honestly, I'm kind of using food to manage my anxiety right now. And I feel like- No, not that kind of candid. Clear aligners from candid. Candid's aligners can help straighten your teeth faster than traditional wire braces. Treatment takes just six months on average.

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candidco.com slash awful and use the code awful for $75 off candid C O dot com slash awful code awful Candid because Noah won't let you put a Wolverine in a bag over Thomas's head Wait, what I said we'd talk about it. Well, he's here now All right, everyone welcome to the first writers meeting for pilgrims progress. Yes! Very excited. Alright, so now we're working with some really wonderful source material here and I want to do it justice. So before we get started I'm thinking, what if the whole movie rhymes? The whole movie. The whole thing. All one hour and forty plus minutes. All one hour and forty plus minutes.

Like the book. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Boss, you know that people's tastes have changed since the 1600s, right? Oh, come on. Not that much. Where's your sense of adventure? I guess, okay.

We can do it. That's the old, that's the spirit. Okay, let's see, there once was a pilgrim. pilgrim. All right guys, come on, what rhymes with pilgrim? Milgrim, like Scott. Like the milgrim experience of it? Yes, okay, pin in in that pin in that.

Uh, children, children. I love it. Yeah. Um, I am out of rhyme. See you. Me too. Okay. Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine. Just one hour and 40 minutes and 55 seconds left to go. All right. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero. He had murdered the only person of color in this film thus far. And we're going to rejoin him staggering away wounded. He's almost dead. But luckily, this is where he meets up with another character. This one's name is faithful.

And faithful will continue our tradition of having hair divided exactly down the middle, like a bedroom in an 80s sitcom. And we also got a quick establishing shot of a bird. And I was like, no way that fucking bird gave permission to use his footage. I don't know. Don't don't film me, don't blur me out when you. Yeah, right. Right. At least put a black bar over my eyes.

Yeah. The bird's given a middle finger in front of its face. So it doesn't have to be on TV. So yeah, so we meet faithful whose hairdo can only be described as ass head. Luckily though, for Pilgrim, he's brought along magic leaves so that they don't have to keep doing scars. Their makeup guy said, look, one time I'm doing scars, guys. We also get an incredibly long shot of Pilgrim gulping down healing water and old faithful

looking rightfully horrified at the extreme close up of his drinking wet lips. Also, like, okay, so faith was like, here, have a drink of some of my water. And then he drinks all, he pulls the fucking Sam Jackson from the, did I break your concentration scene move, right? Yes. So he drinks all the water out of his, by the way, out of his glass bottle that clearly has a twist cap. We don't see the twist cap, but it's, it's, it's there.

And he put some magic leaves on his very serious injury. Apparently causing him to not be able to walk, which is some red marks on his leg. Oh my God. My kittens have done worse than that to me. Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, those are poison ivy. I know your father. They do the magic like see. And now we're definitely after the fact taking the leaves off. And they take them off. And I figured, uh, couldn't clear up those ingrown hairs, though. That's like nothing, nothing fixes those. Also, couldn't find anything besides a crock sand bowl to wear for this shot.

Oh, like complete with branding and fucking label. I love joking. So, you know, and so faithful is like, how did you wind up here? And he's like, well, let me sing you a song about the last 45 minutes of. How did you wind up here? He's like, well, let me sing you a song about the last 45 minutes of this. And he sings a song, the melody of which is not in any way related to what is happening in the music. No, it's there in a different fucking world for like a minute.

Yeah, the lyrics. Music make no effort to fit into the song or to the rhyme scheme or anything. It's so bizarrely bad. Right, but for those of you who are keeping Inception count, now there is a character singing a song about the story that is someone's dream, that is a story that someone's telling us in a movie based on a book. Which means we're never fucking getting out of here. Nope, we're never gonna hit.

We are stopped. We are Leonardo DiCaprio's wife. Yep. No, she got out. It's it's him that never got out. And also, by the way, well, they're doing this song. There's a moment where like they come across divine that's not even in their way, but pilgrim pulses sort out of his sheathen. Shops it like you some kind of badass. Yeah, they pointed these ridiculously over the top sad to f**king. Yeah, see. So much like this.

It's like, like, that he chopped. Did the vine do that? I'm a tree, I just really got chopped. I'm a tree, I just really got chopped. Yeah. We get a shot of, by the way, somebody's nice 1600s box of briefs, I know. Are they by Lake Tahoe or something?

I really want to know where they filmed this. I know that so I've done some amount of research. The guys from Oregon, the guy who wrote it all. Yeah, just a specific Northwest certainly. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's quite.

I wanted to take a hike with you guys. Yeah, yeah, it's quite like, yeah, no, it's quite like, I wanted to take a hike with you. Yeah, exactly. All right. So as their musical number comes to a close, they see evangelist again. And at this point, he's clearly just following you, right? Like they didn't just keep running into golem on their way to Mordor. He was fucking follow. Right. And I love that they run up to him. And they're like evangelists. The evangelist, you wanna hear our song and he's like, no. Absolutely not. Never thought I'd be on the evangelist's side. But yeah.

And he's like, but the script clearly indicates that you do want to hear our song now. No, don't wanna hear it. No, fuck it. I heard you guys rehearsing the song. Yeah. I know this takes seven. I say, man, sir, say, man, sir, take one.

Same answers. I don't want to hear this song. You can't do it. Not a script in the world is going to get me to say. I don't want to hear this song. So you just got to use the shit I am giving you right now. And I love that their names are Christian and faithful. That's a real who's on first situation right there.

Yeah. If I had the energy, I'd write a whole skit about it, but no, I do it. Yeah. Somebody, Eli. Yeah. So they, he says, no, I don't hear your fucking song. I'm just here to warn you that on the path ahead, you're going to go through a village filled with shiny objects, trying not to get too distracted if there's a squirrel. And there's a point in here, in here where he's like, just remember, amusement and entertainment is bad.

Yeah, which I wrote in my notes, well, that's obvious from this movie. Yeah, exactly. The gist of this is, so you need the armor of God in order to make sure you don't have any fun. Yeah. Why is you die. Or don't enjoy amusement. The Christianity cannot wait to see what temptations lie ahead.

Oh, well, good. Good. Because you're not going to have to wait. The very next scene is where we're going to meet the clown temp trists. I get it. Get it. And there's so many tragic things about this actress's performance because she is the counterpoint to the drama kid from the beginning of the movie, right?

She is the actress that they know. And maybe the saddest moment is when she tries to do the like fan flute in front of her face, but it's tiny because that was the only one the dollar store had can this work with it. You're supposed to be an actress. So she just like flutes and it's still very clearly just barely covering half her face. And I know that that actor is probably was like, well, this is temptation, right? Shouldn't I show maybe just a hint of cleavage? No, absolutely no cleavage in your temptress costume. It's going to be fucking

up to your neck. She's like, but not even a little bit. It's the bad people. You get that it's the bad people. Do you want interpreter to try to light you on fire again? His moo moo is full with gasoline and range. And this is the, I gotta say, if the goal is that she's supposed to be a clown, then first accurate costume of the movie. Yeah, right. The most anybody have like a fucking clown. Yeah.

So, yeah, so she's going to sing about all the tempting things in the city. And then apparently we're going to wander through 17th century Bonneroo while they do that. Right. And the agronistic 17th century Bonneroo. Yeah, I was going to say so much less interesting and cool than that. Well, yeah, right, right? Exactly. Well, all right. So I was pretty distracted because in the background, there's a guy swinging poi, but only one of them Sorry, just just like triggering for the juggler He's just swinging a single flaming bag around. It's not even a fire point, dude.

It's just you swing in a bag around, yeah. Yeah, and also at a certain point, they're heavy on jugglers, this temptation society, whatever they are, this vanity fair, that's what it's called. And they've also got a fight going with a juggler in it. Yeah, like an MMA fight, but like the ref is a juggler or there's just a juggler way too close to, you know, and because of course this is just,

you know, very lascivious behavior. There's a guy carrying a little basket that says bets. Yes, yes, that's their gamble. If you would like to bet, you'd put money in there in his basket. Step three profit, I guess. He's later doesn't know what the odds are or what the who you're betting on. It's just bets. I said my notes for this scene. The fact that Christians think this is what the temptations of the world is, are why state fair survive.

Yes. Hi, I'd like to buy one cup of alcohol while I place a bet. I am so evil. You're so stupidly put together this movie is right. Let's sheet the clown lady, Temsum, and they're like, no, we don't want to go to your vanity fair. And she's like, well, tough shit because the next scene takes you right through it. And they're like, that wasn't, wasn't that this scene then? Were we just in it? And they're like, no, we're going to do that. All of that again, sort of. Yeah. And she's singing. And this is a shitty garage band demo from 1993. I mean, it is just a pitch perfect.

And she is just not as good as a whole or whatever the, whoever would be back then. Right. Yeah, she's trying to be, she's not. Yeah. So they get into the actual town and this is where like everybody's trying to like sell them shit. One vendor comes up and he says, hi, my name is thief. Would you like to buy some of my stuff?

It's like, don't lead with your name, Hi, my name is Thief. Would you like to buy some of my stuff? It's like, don't lead with your name, dude. Don't leave with you. Come on. Yeah, seems to be a liability for your business having that name. You probably don't have it. Yeah, and it's unclear to me like what some of the evils

of this are, because for all I know, some of them are just offering goods and services that anybody might need, you know, like, Right. Oh no, you can't buy that basket of strawberries because then you're evil or something. Oh, well yeah, exactly. Like they were trying to,

they were trying to, and there's two ladies sort of waving them in and we're supposed to think that there's a brothel when there's something, but it could be like, well, it could just be that, you know, it's a barber, right? Like we don't know.

Yeah, and somebody has a like a plastic loaf of bread. Like is it, I'm sorry, is it a fucking Christian crime to buy a plastic loaf of bread. Like is it a, I'm sorry, is it a fucking Christian crime to buy a plastic loaf of bread? I'm a ton of it. Because if so, lock me up and throw away the king. This is it. I also want, can we talk about the harlots?

Right, so what they did, because they got to address sex somehow, right? They put rouge on two women's cheeks and then had them pointing at a tent. yep that's the yeah yeah and also like I'm you know This seems like a great path right like I'm with Noah in that maybe that's just a makeover like they're offering it we can yeah just you would you need to make a rouge The rujing tent Yeah, just do what you do. You do do do do is that really, are we really to believe that this entire commerce works this way?

Like one person doesn't buy something and they're like, stop fucking everything. We need to talk about this. I'm just browsing, oh, are you? Hold on a second. Yeah. And has there ever been a better allegory for Christian self-caternists

than the idea that they think we create all the temptations of the secular world just for them. Yeah. No such thing is like economics or anything. No. No. So don't even make money on this. It's just for you.

And when they give this like tearful, like, no, we're not going to the clown lady. You know, we're not going to attempt to change. And I'm thinking she's just like, oh, okay, fine, just, there's still some popcorn. If you need it, we clearly established the hard plastic bread for the rest of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, all right, you're not into brothels,

just whatever, fine. Just that's cool. Where are you guys headed to? Drown in a river? All right, yeah, I could see. All right, well, yeah, no, spoiler alert. We'll do my thing. I'll do my thing. Have fun with that. You know what, I drown on an ep right, well, yeah, no, spoiler alert. I'll do my thing. I'll do my thing.

Have fun with that. You know what, I drown on an epistemic, do you? Yeah, yeah. But yeah, they lock them in the world's most obvious dog cage. Oh my gosh, yes, it's very clearly a dog kennel. Yeah. It's got newspaper along the bottom. Yup.

And they're gonna send them to doubting castle. Yeah, okay, so they're like, yeah, we're gonna feed them to the giant and throw them in the bottom. And they're going to send them to doubting castle. Yeah, okay. So they're like, yeah, we're going to feed them to the giant and throw them in the dungeon. We're going to, no, no, okay, what will do is we'll have the giant throw them in the dungeon. You know what, this is getting fucking complicated. Very unclear what the giant's motives are. And a lot of questions. But before that, I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like BL's above was overdoing it a little bit. Oh God. Get that indication.

I love BL's above's performance and how uncomfortable it makes everyone in the shot with us. I wanted to, I wasn't even in the room, and I wanted to light myself on fire. If, imagine if you had to be there to see what was happening, I would die of shame, of second-hand shame. Usually it's just metaphorical when we say chewing on the scenery, sir, you're actually it's.

Oh, and I just realized at this point, my poor wife was asleep on the couch this whole time. And I was just like, I have no idea what fucking circle of hell her dreams. She has no idea what this is. And she's hearing just a little bit. Right, we should invite her on the show to tell us about the dream she had about the dream of the guy dream movie. Yeah, fine. I was telling. Yeah, we're not enough dreams. So we need to, yeah, we don't need one more. And we'll make a movie about a song, about a book that we based on that dream. need one more. Then we'll make a movie about a song about a book that we base on that dream. The end will wake up inside this movie. Yeah, everybody wins. All right. So then they're like, oh, the giant's going to come take him to the castle.

But then we cut back to the narrator because they can't afford to do a giant. Right. The narrator at this point is washing his hands in a tiny bucket. Yep. You're wondering how bad the pantomime has got clearly washing his hands after just having taken a giant shit. Yeah. 100% and he's like, Oh, glad you weren't here for that one. I'm going to be going now because that's just coming back to me during the clown song. But uncomfortable for all of us. Let me tell you, there's not a lot of fiber in my medieval diet. All right.

So they get taken off by the giant, not the giant, by the way, who won't be shown next to any sized thing, you know, but we'll be wearing very clearly marked Nike shorts throughout his performance. Any well. That's the only, I mean, have you tried to buy clothes for some of their giant? That's true. Yeah, that's right. So Faithful's being a little whiny bitch in the dungeon.

He's just not enjoying himself at all. And he's making it hard for pilgrim to enjoy it too. And I just want to know like either the giant is going to eat you or not. What is the giant's end game here? pilgrim to enjoy it too. And I just wanna know, like either the giant is going to eat you or not. What is the giant's end game here? He seems to be talking to him, but then he's not gonna eat it. Like wouldn't he just fucking eat him or not?

Most like to kill you in the morning. I have no idea what's going on. And then he's like feeding him fruit, which okay, oh, he's fattening him up, but then it's starvation rations. It's like do you watch in your weight, you wanna, you're trying to get Okay, and he's going to eat them by the way with salad tongs

Yes, it's a satellite tongue that he pokes at them with a salad fork and a salad spoon Yes, and they were so proud of the he pokes them with a regular-sized spoon And then we see the actors reacting to a large spoon. Yeah, clearly it's like a fucking metal rake like the director might as well have walked out on screen and be like, uh, get it? Giant. He's a giant. Uh, and by the way, this jail is so bad that it makes whatever song you try to sing off pitch and have that bad of a jail. It is. It is the acoustics are just terrible. He goes, boy, without a miracle, where fucked looks like we're going to need another musical number.

And during this song, it was bothering me so much that this guy sounded so much like Jeff Buckley. Here's what I did. I googled him. It's Jeremy Oliviera. And I found his page and I confirmed that he is actually Jeremiah Trigger. To look his profile picture. It is Jeremiah Trigger. And let me scroll down here. Influences. Radiohead. Jeff Buckley. Gorilla. Yes, you're fucking right. I knew it. Because he influences. I'm fucking knew it, man. All right. Well, now we know. I'm fucking knew it man. All right, well there we now we know There we have it and he's so excited about the first person to visit his webpage

No, keep getting messages and shit like hey, do you want to buy my music? He's listening to this episode. He's like I do so much. I fuck me though like even here Yeah, it probably would be what he would take away from That would be what he would take away from exactly exactly. They said I sounded like Jeff Fuckers. Calls this mom. Some people have been chicken out my talent from California, mom, all the way in California where the movies are made. Also, we agree that you wouldn't come into my room anymore when I was at home. So that is the last family meeting.

And then my journal was disturbed. But back in our movie, the giant seems to be walking in a kick drum rhythm, which is weird. Yeah, happens. They're doing the kick drum for the giant. But then it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom. Right. How is he? Is he walking this fall? He's doing that thing where you almost fall down the stairs. You know, we get over and over again on every step. Yeah.

But repeatedly and in rhythm. So now that's amazing. Let me know that works. So yeah, so they sing their song and they've sung themselves back into happiness. And it's just then that Pilgrim remembers that earlier in the movie, he was given a mysterious key. So now that they've been locked in the dungeon for three fucking days, he's like, you know, I should probably try this key.

I've got. Right. And to be fair, faithful is like, cool. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to murder you. I don't know. It's a good thing. Christopher gave all my sins because I'm about to kill you. Because he's like, well, naturally, I mean, the first thing we would have done is try the key that you have, right? Three, three days. Like, well, I wanted to make sure we had time for all the songs.

Before we waited here for three days and sang a shitty song, like, we were, first thing we would have done, try the key that you have. What? Oh, key, yeah. Murder. And then we cut to the narrator, by the way, right after that. And he is 100% going to fuck his wife while he finishes telling this. Absolutely.

It's like changing into his fuck clone. Checking himself out side long in a mirror. Yeah. He's like, well, you guys are still here. I'm not done yet. I told you when we got into this, that I don't fucking stop my day for you. So I was pretty sure he was gonna fuck us

I mean this was a person actually good of India. Yeah, so we go back to our care our heroes and by okay So they're they're running from the giant scousel just fast enough that they never have to be in frame with him And then they come across the delectable mountains, which is an apple and four pumpkins, or mini pumpkins. That's the delectable mountains for you. Yeah, I can't eat enough of those mini pumpkins. I can shout down on those. So we get some more like walking montage.

And I got to say this, like, there was a time when they were following a path at this point. They're just what they've like it's one of those things Where like you haven't seen a fucking blaze in about three and a half You know you're not on the trail anymore and you're just kind of trying to work yourself vaguely right It's one of those things was clearly done in editing. They're like fuck. They're still going do we have any Role be role of what we have just whatever we had in nature. We're walking. All right. So, but then they finally get to the end of the path where they finally and we see them like see it. Like, we're watching their faces as they see the end of their journey for so long. And I'm like, all right, this is

where all the money went. What are they? What do they come up with for the end of the path? And then we did turn to where we can see what they're looking at. And it's just a fucking pond. But behind the mesa that they're looking at, you can see golden lights and shit. Trust us, there's a big city or something. We pinky swear that just behind the ground. It's the South Park scene, right? The, oh, if you could see this great battle, this city is so, I know we've spent the whole movie talking about this city and shitting on literally everything in the world that exists, but yeah, yeah, the city compares. City is convinced me.

I'll tell you right now. But yeah, so they see the pinky swear over the horizon. and just then a couple of the angels show up and say, we've made it to the end of the path. Now get in the river and drown yourself to death. We're the good guys. Yeah, this was just an elaborate jigsaw type torture process. And now they die. And then the angels must be like, do you believe we convinced those two of

them so stupid? I never thought, wow. God comes down. He's like, Hey, what do you guys do? Nothing. We were saving these guys. They were trying to drown them. So it's crazy. And stop them. We tried really hard. Couldn't stop. You always primed directive, man. And prevent them from doing that. And the two actors here, Faithful and Pilgrim, are tasked with the joyfully drown yourself in challenge. Yes. Let's hold on and kill ourselves to this music.

I also love this line too. Pilgrim goes, you know, if I was all alone, this would be scary, but God's with me. And Faith was like, I'm also with you, dude. She's like, oh yeah, yeah, you too. You also. Yeah, yeah. And then this is where I realized I'll fuck Jeff Buckley drown in God, damn river two.

Oh. And yet fucking this guy didn't take that inspiration from him. And somehow we get a quick shot of that before he drowned himself in this place that was, you know, 5,000 miles away from where he started. He leaves his Bible for his wife right next to her. Wait, did I? Well, he asked the angel to drop it off. Apparently the angels have a stamps.com kind of thing.

God. Yeah. Miss that. Sorry. copps.com kind of thing. God. Yeah. Miss that. Sorry. Which means that we then get a montage of his family drowning themselves, including the children. It's literally honey.

I drowned the kids. Jesus Christ, my notes here are just like, oh my God, they're going, this is fucking Jonestown. What is it? This is dark. The children, the wife, who by the way, they're still probably roasting him while he was gone the whole time.

They can realize he left. The wife and kids are still just fucking singing. And then they get the book and they're like, oh, hey, children, wanna go die? Yes, we do, mom. And they go fucking drown themselves. To death. Give me one way.

This is Jonestown. Please tell me one way in which this is not Jonestown. Yeah, again, this works fine if you're not looking at it, right? If you're like, Oh, the narrow path is your entire life. And of course that ends with it. But that's not we're looking at it. This is just a mother taking her children off to drown them so they can get to heaven. The message is very clearly kill yourself and go to heaven. The message is very clearly, kill yourself and go to heaven.

Is it not? Yep. That's certainly the analogy. Yes, I have a question at the end of my notes about that that I was hoping you guys had a different answer, but yeah. No, yeah. Yeah, that's it. But don't worry, it's a happy and fantasidal ending because now they, they all meet up in heaven like the heaven's gate cult with a, a happy twist. Yeah, see you on the other side of this asteroid, everybody. Yeah. I'm fucking poison ourselves. All right.

And then, okay, and as weird as this fucking shit is, then the guy that was dreaming, not the narrator, not the guy clean in the church, the guy who was dreaming about Pilgrim wakes up and then he has a big come to Jesus' moment. He goes to the church of the narrator. Yeah. But he, nobody is the narrator? No, this is the narrator. No.

No. No, the narrator is telling us about this guy falling asleep and dreaming about Pilgrim because he had a dream about this guy. Wait, no, he had a dream. Okay, here's how I thought it took it. And we can all try to, we all come to the top, the spinning top wiggle a little bit. No, we all compare our fan theories. But no, I'm pretty sure he's telling us that when he was younger, he had this dream About Pilgrim and now he's an old guy who fucks his wife while people with cameras watch. Oh, okay Okay, so he was dreaming about it's a beginning of the movie though because he's having this dream before he wakes up Yes, right and so he was dreaming about himself being younger and dreaming about that

No, no at the beginning of the movie he's dreaming about himself being younger and dreaming about that. No, no, at the beginning of the movie, he's dreaming about pilgrim drowning. So he's having like the same dream that he had when he was younger. All right, so the part where he's younger is truly pointless. Like, you should have just told us the story then, right? I mean, like, wait, to your old fucking man then. Yeah, right, right. You know, my father telling us that you also have that dream once before. Yeah, like we could have drowned ourselves 30 years ago.

So he he falls to his knees having found Jesus based on a dream. And then he's like in 30 years, I'm going to tell some random. Exactly. Exactly. And then I wrote down like, is there going to be an even older narrator? Does he was dreaming like that he had was a younger narrator. The older narrator is Muslim. Okay. I got some corrections to make me be out.

All right. I learned some things since then. I understand. So I've catching you up. Yeah. But then we beg. We come back to old narrator here who closes the final parenthesis. I guess. to old narrator here who closes the final parenthesis, I guess. Allegedly, yeah. Yeah. And the lesson, by the way, he takes away from all of this is that, you know, things that don't exist are far more important than things that do. That's the moral, right? I mean, that is.

That is? That is? That is? That is? That is? That is? That is? That is? That is? That is best thing you can do is die. Yep. Yeah, I'm just gonna have

this whole question at the end where I was gonna ask if anyone had a lester pressing ethical take away, but it sounds like, oh, I have one. Okay. Clowns are hot. Yeah, there is no sexual temptation greater than a cloud. Yeah, the only other one I could think of is like black people are the villain. No, that's not better. No, no, yes. Two messages. Black people are villains and kill yourself. That's all I got from this.

Yeah, that's all I got. Okay. All right. Well, Thomas, I can't thank you enough for suffering alongside us through this one. So I'm not even going to bother to try. But if people want to hear more from you, where should they go to find you? Hey, check out Seriously Quirzyne Lee. I've been, I took on a co-host, Jamie Lombardi.

She's a philosopher. She is brilliant. And we've been having a lot of fun over there. So if you've ever checked out that show, you know, you've given it a break or anything, go check it out now. It's kind of rebooted. It's a lot of fun. And of course opening arguments in my other shows, philosophers and also a lot of fun but yeah SIO seriously where is

only yeah sorry I couldn't work philosophers and space into the right my own hand so yeah I asked for a question all right awesome well that's gonna do it for our review of pilgrims progress but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to assure the audience that we haven't thought better of this yet so, tell us what's on deck. Can I get a witness protection? Oh, that's amazing. Enjoy that one. I really don't need to know anything about else about it. So yeah, all right.

You sure don't. You got it all. He's got that whole movie. You're ready. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 214 to a merciful close. What's it going to?

Huge thanks to Thomas Smith and a perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to cut yourself among the ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation to patreon.com slash got off on there by your early access to an ad for your version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating a the aesthetician needed in

the skeptic crowd available in iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, cinematic suggestions, you can email God off a movie is gmail.com, linkless services for this podcast or provide a better for free. I'm Tommas Smith. You can check the show notes. I've mentioned earlier that his shows will be linked on the show notes. They are. Anyway, for him and Eli and Heath I'm no promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes. The giant starved to death like an idiot because he didn't just eat the people on day

one of having them in his little dog kennel. Look an idiot giant's always doing it. John Bunyan didn't wrap back. You're a move, motherfucker. The interpreter's wife's bridge club took up the whole goddamn living room all afternoon, Karen Damott. And Heath still didn't call me back or come to the recordings when I'm on his show.

Every time I come on here, it's not me. Right. You beat him once in trivial pursuit. He'll never forgive you. was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.