God Awful Movies - 215: Can I Get a Witness Protection?

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

On this week's episode, Aaron Rabinowitz joins us to review one continuous setup with no punchline. --- Hear more from Aaron on Embrace the Void and Philosophers in Space! --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I think they just they just made a montage of all the unrelated things that are Yes, yes, so clearly there was like, fuck did we not write an dialogue for a bunch of these seeds What are we in right? So montage for this whole thing? Great. Yeah, what's the difference between a montage and just security camera footage nothing? Okay, nothing great. Yeah, right right The angle is angle right yeah, there's color. Yeah, they did this in color. That's the difference

God awful movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So I just flew in from Golgotha, man or my arm sore, from the crucifixion. Yeah, right. It's religious and it's a joke. Yeah. Yeah. You're in the fucking spirit. There are some comedians in this thing we're about to talk about comedians are there. Get ready. All right. Now unfortunately Eli is unable to join us this week. That's where down one comedian, his birthday was two days ago. He's still coming to grips with not being able to say early 30s anymore, but we did bring

along a gas massacres. Aaron Ravenowitz is the co-host of the Embrace, the void podcast and philosophers in space. He's a person who studies thinking and still doesn't know enough about it to say no when we invite him on this show Aaron. Welcome back. Yeah, I'd Good to be back. I don't have a punchline and neither does this fucking movie. Well, there you go. Stay on theme. Yeah, sorry guys, we can't be funny this week or we'd be betraying sort of the whole concept of this film. Speaking of which, tell us, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Christianity reference. It's actually called, can I get a witness protection?

Which I gotta like the title. It peaks in the title, it does peak at the title. It's the story of what happens when a Christian hack median turns the type five he's been doing for 30 years into a feature length motion picture. It's every single moment is a terrible, terrible bit from like a summer camp talent show, except it's a grown up. It's all grown ups and they all tried so goddamn hard. Yeah. And if they weren't, we'd still make fun of them. Yeah.

It's terrible. The movie should be called like Christian people walk like this, but atheist people walk like this. It's so bad. We're just like Christianity. Boo. And Aaron, how bad was this movie? Well, if you miss Eli being here to sex pervert up the place, but you hate how he's always including punchlines with his jokes, you're gonna love this movie. When you sent the invite, I was really curious because I was like, what could you have found

to top racist Edison cult and demon alien fucking? And it turns out the answer is not this movie. No, no, not topping. No, this movie is so bad. It doesn't warn a rotten tomato's page, which doesn't have one. That's true. I tried to find it. Witness protection starring Larry the fucking cable guy and Jenny McCarthy has a, has a run of made a space. I'm just saying, All I could find was Medea's witness protection or something, some Tyler Perry thing was added. Also, yeah, this is sub Tyler Perry

and Larry the cable guy. Yeah. I was actually trying to find out how much money they made and 67 million dollars popped up and I was like, oh my God, that's Tyler Perry. Yeah. I felt good that Tyler Perry made to $7 million. It's not a good sign.

Right. All right. So I got to say, I'm going to jump off subject here. I want to offer a quick correction about something that we said last week, Keith, you're in the clear on this, you're off the hook, you weren't here last week. But we reviewed Pilgrim's progress. And during that review, we noted that the only black guy in the movie played the evil monster. All right. So this week, we noted that the only black guy in the movie played the evil monster. All right, so this week we got a correction from the film's director and writer who wrote

that, you know, it really actually a pretty good nature to email given all the shit we said. But he pointed out that the dude playing a pollion was not a black actor. That's not a black guy. I would have been able to tell you. No, apparently, yeah, because you can smell your own a damn. Apparently, he said he was so white. He got sunburned through his spandex outfit. Yeah, our apologies.

You did not use your only black friend to play the monster. You used a white guy in black face doing a black voice. And you don't have any black friends. Yeah, good corrections. There's a win for you. Did you win? So it's a weird flex, but I'll give it to him Sorry about our oh though the email was so funny He's like well you guys didn't say anything at all about my shit cinematography. I must have been impressed Like yeah, buddy. That's what it was

Time yeah So it wasn't that we're trying to keep this under three hours. It was blackface. Get your facts straight. What? All right. So shifting gears back to this one. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

I'll say this is best at being the worst at how many terrible sticks it packs into one of these. It's 99% stick. And I'm sorry that you're going to hear that word like 300 times over the course of this recording because there is no other way to describe this movie, but just stick after stick after stick. Yeah, no, a fucking control F on stick or shenanigans on our notes is just going to turn up about 300 hits.

Yeah, I think you noted a few gags, which I'll give you. They were. There were a few gags that are not quite sticks, but it's so hot. Yeah, you want to mix it up. Yeah, gag stick, stick, gag, gag, stick, stick, shenanigans. Yeah. How many ways can you put those two together? Yeah.

And it's not the kind of gag and stick that like the BDSM fans are thinking is going to be a really good time. It's the other kind that's not fun. It's not. No, you got to tune into the patron only secular bonuses to get that one. Okay. So I'm going best worst makeover. And I'm not, by the way, I'm not talking about,

you know how they'll do a makeover in a movie and it'll be a pretty girl and then it's a pretty girl without glasses. They do that in this movie, right? But I'm not talking about that one. I'm talking about when they do the equivalent of that to a church. So I feel like when they do atheist, yeah, exactly, exactly.

I feel that this movie actually might take both first and second place in this category. Now that I think of it, it's a long walk to get to the idea that the atheists are the ones making people cover up. But they really, they do put in the end. atheists are the ones making people cover up, but they really, they do put in the end. I'll give you that. All right. I'm going to go with best worst Kickstarter page. Really? This is amazing.

The level of incompetence is fucking priceless. Okay. So first of all, it's a Kickstarter page to make more money for this movie. They didn't know how to resize their stupid poster image. So you can't even see the whole title on the front page of the Kickstarter's graphic. Amazing. It doesn't fit. They couldn't resize a graphic.

Who point does that explain the credits? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. They also claimed to be two thirds of the way there with the budget, because, you know, they had 85 grand and they only needed 15 grand more, you know, two thirds. There's a video that accompanies this Kickstarter with clips from the live recording

they did like a live reading of the scripts before they had put it all together and they did this at a church. So it's just five minutes, this stupid video. It's just Christian plants so clearly fake laughing so hard at every single line in this movie. You got to saw this movie. Yeah. Yeah. God.

And I got to tell you a few more things about this. It's ridiculous. Also during the video, at one point, the writer says, I'm just like Judd Appetow. And my cast is just like, you know, the Judd Appetow crew, like Jason Siegel and Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill and Linda Carter, Lydia and James Frankl. Basically the same thing. He made these people famous, just like that group of people I named. And in their little blurb, they brag about how their producer is from the Weinstein company.

So that was fun. Wow. And this is my favorite part. Here's their tier system for the Kickstarter. Oh good. For $25, you get the DVD. This is 2016 movie, the Kickstarter. Oh, good. For $25, you get the DVD. This is 2016 movie, the DVD for $50. You get a signed picture of the cast. And then right after that, it just says, okay, with

an exclamation, fill in the blank for later, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And then for a hundred, you get all that plus a free t-shirt. There's a disclaimer though, not necessarily a t-shirt that has anything to do with the film. Just any t-shirt. Just a white t-shirt. They're going to send you. Oh my god. You don't know what color. It's just has to be a t-shirt technically.

How great would it be if they and accidentally sent some like death metal t-shirts? Yeah, right. Just all over the front of those t-shirts. Hey, man, I, guys, if you're listening, I have some t-shirts I can donate if you still have to make good out of you with those. There you go. And this, this last part for $500, this is like my favorite and least favorite part of this.

For $500, you're in the movie. And I cannot believe we missed the chance to be in this. We could have been in this move. $500. We could have been in the movie. Do we know, do you know if anyone paid $500 and is one of the people in this movie? Yeah, I'm pretty sure the entire cast would. That would explain an awful lot. Yeah. There's no other explanation except for Judd Apatow. Because obviously he's the one who's breaking the talent. He's got the vision, the giant vision board that shows up in this movie.

He paid him $500 to not be involved in their Kickstarter and they didn't take him up on it apparently. I wonder, you know, like as they were like plotting out this movie, was he like forcing them to all pick members of the Judd Appetite team? We're like, no. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. No, I'm going to be Paul Rudd. I'm obviously Paul Rudd.

I'm thin Jonah Hill. I'm spelled Jonah Hill. You're being a dick. You know what gets to be Jonah Hill? Because you're large, dude. That's not cool. He's off the lot of weight. I'm post Oscar, Jonah. Fuck you. All right. Well, we've got a lot of weight. I'm post Oscar, Johnny.

Fuck you. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of banana peels to slip on. So we're going to take a minute to slap on our knee pads. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the wacky shenanigans. Hey, there's one that are, can I get a witness protection? Such a good name. All right, fellas. I don't have a lot of time, so pitch me this movie quick.

Alright, no problem, it's only gonna take six words. Well, not counting those ones. Right, no, yeah, yeah, it would be... It's confusing. It would be 13 if you counted those ones. Plus, plus these ones, I guess. Well, now, guys, guys. Oh, right, okay, So here's the six words.

Can I get a witness protection? Protection. What does that mean? It's like a pun. Well, it's not a pun. No, no, no, but it's like a pun. So it's like, can I get a witness and witness protection? but like

smushed to together together Kind of like a portmanteau, but not yeah, but not one, you know not not right exactly not one. It's like before and after No, no, all right. I get what you're going for, but how is that a movie pitch? Right. Well, it'll be religious, right? Because it's Christian movie, and then there'll be like FBI type stuff, because that'll be in the title, the witness protection. Should we stop selling?

So what's the plot? Right. So there'll be a guy who's in witness protection which is already funny and then he's He's also religious Religious how is this a movie as somebody who'll fall down or something. Oh, yeah, it's a comedy Can we say that sure why not? You know a meeting like this must have actually happened. Yep Why not? You know, a meeting like this must have actually happened.

Yep. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a title that's like kind of a blink and you'll miss an admission that this movie has a lower budget than this podcast episode. This was confusing. I was like, okay, so I'm about to watch a James Bond episode of I dream. Plus Jesus great. Yeah, I was initially very confused because there was no Harrison Ford.

All I had was pale face Justin Trudeau. Or maybe I can all slightly less attractive Dennis from it's always sunny and Philly. I had him down his destitute man's Paul Rudd. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Justin Trudeau is pale faced Justin Trudeau as well. Yeah.

He's also real quick detail on the intro. We get some of the cast and Robert G Lee is one of the guest members. So he's cool. He's like, I'm a couple letters away. Yeah, no, it's I talk. And he's actually, he's the writer and hack comedian who made this whole thing happen. Oh, he's the guy. So he's the one chiefly to blame. And it's also Robert E. Lee and hiding, apparently. Well, yeah, like, maybe it's maybe it's Robert E. Lee just wanting to make sure that the Civil War wasn't the worst thing he was known for. Hey, yeah.

I'm by that. Yeah, we get introduced to a couple of the characters who are like we already understand their entire personalities from how they're portrayed in these three seconds. Like we get high maintenance girlfriend number five. We get what looks like it's going to be Eli doing a Michael Keaton impression, which explains I guess why he had to recuse himself from this particular episode. Yeah, no, right. One single black guy, of course, standard.

There's another one who doesn't, I think, show up in the intro credits. Oh, I thought that's what you meant by Justin Tugel. I don't know. Okay. You're coming right now. I'm in the other black-faced individual. Got it. Yeah, but from the ass, they both look the same, though. That's true.

Yeah, yeah. I should have been clearer on that. That's fair All right, it's attractive men. No question. So the credits and then at this point We were like, oh, thank God those credits are over. We will miss them for the rest of the fucking movie. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm. I was the best part. Yep. That was the high point. So we're gonna open up a stick Obviously, right? So we got, there's a marriage counselor giving some advice to an engaged couple, but when we first see him, he does the spinny chair thing, but his chair spins too fast to keep going. And he doesn't nail it. Right? Like you see

him having to push himself along to make the gag work with his. I went too short too far now. It's right. I have it right and back nailed it. I genuinely laughed at that. That was like the best opening of any movie we've done. And I was all optimistic. I was like, cool. Good title.

Great. Before and after from Wheel of Fortune and then the spinny chair thing, downhill. Not a good idea of being optimistic. It's really the only stick that goes too far in this movie and that it literally the chair goes too far. It's everything else like half a step towards being a joke. Yeah, right, right. No, they pull up short on almost every joke in this fucking movie. Yeah. And I have a question for the professionals here. What percentage of the movies that y'all watch use shitty framing devices to fill time? Because I feel like

I feel like it's at least 50% of the ones that I've been here for. And one of the movies that y'all watch use shitty framing devices to fill time. Because I feel like at least 50% of the ones that I've been here for and one of the other ones didn't even have a plot. And it's basically like every paper I read in undergrad and college where it's just like yes, yes, yes, it's the wide margins of Christian cinema. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the preponderance of evidence suggests that this intro is going great. And we are going to have a movie after this. It's a link Webster's Dictionary defines Introduction. Okay.

As yeah, basically, I would say a good chunk, although this movie had a nice, strong, full length, 80 minute Christian movie without the framing. So like they were fine. I don't know why they could just tell you story. Just go into your 80 minute movie. Well, especially when like the whole conceit, I think of the story is, boy, is this a boring story that a couple of people wouldn't want to sit through?

Right? Like, isn't that what the entire movie is about? Two people being forced to listen to this stupid fucking story? Oh, it's an, oh, it's an analogy for marriage, the whole thing, genius, but it's not really good signaling. Marriage is a long annoying story that you have to listen to. If you're trying to convert people to your religion, though, opening with a framing device of two people desperately wanting to escape the framing device does not seem

like a good model for converting people. Right. They are. Again, analogy for marriage. I think it's perfect. All right. I'm very happy. But we do get a little signaling that it is a Christian movie because part of the information

we get in this terrible or a whopping framing device is that he like explains that it's going to be about two individuals who have jobs and one of them is a woman having a woman job. And like, he just like randomly scoffs at the idea that this woman has autonomy because again, Christianity. Yeah. Yeah. That all day. What a large portion of that movie, this movie that will fill.

Yeah, exactly. So he's like, yeah, she had some weird design bullshit. No penis. Boo. He had a trucking company she had some weird designed bullshit. No penis. Boo. He had a trucking company though. He wore the pants. Oh, man. He trucked entire stone penises.

He's from Granite. Supermanly. Right, she's just like dressing up like felt into vaginas or something. Make vaginas on walls or something like women do in their designing, just, Keith paintings everywhere. Emotional manufacturer, boo, fake.

Where she just throws crystals around rooms for a living. Which one? Bullshit. Also, by the way, just real quick, this guy, the marriage counselor who's gonna be like nine other jobs in this stupid church, we're about to find out. He's the funny friend. Yep.

You know what I mean? This is like this terrible comedian was like, you guys know fucking funny Steve, right? My buddy funny Steve. He's always telling funny shenanigans stories and Applebees after church. Yeah, he's going to be like one of the major characters in this movie and he's horrific. I want to punch him the entire time. I was furious. Also, he has serial killer eyes, right? He's definitely dark. He's definitely dark. And it's serial killer. I like dark. He's definitely dark.

I like dark universe. Yeah, definitely dark. University. No punchlines, but a lot of really wanting to murder rape somebody. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now we're going to fade from the sky telling us that story into that story. And what I hoped at the time was assigned, we'd never have to see that fucking actor. Again, I was wrong.

No, deeply wrong. But the story is that one night the husband in this couple was working late and heard some gangsters doing some gangster shit, specifically killing a dude with a, a space gun, a turret mounted machine gun and a rocket monster. Oh, come on. Hello, we're from the real mafia. This is our turret mounted machine. Did you bring it in? Roll it in. Fuck. from the real mafia. This is our turret mounted. Did you bring it in? Roll it in. Fuck.

I was saying it. Just give me a minute. We're going to murder you. You all aren't big first person shooter kind of guys, are you? It's those were clearly SMGs that they unloaded the entire clip of. Oh, all right. Like, you know, clearly, like whatever is going on is the like the other people have some sort of shield buff and they absolutely should have switched to shock weapons.

Like if you're using that many standard bullets on someone, you're just doing it wrong. You noobs. There's like the original RCP 90 that's like, it's got like a room full of tubes behind it. Like the first two or a bunch of cards. Did you steal that from James Bond, Golden Eye? Like what's going on here? I did.

Thank good, good pick up. It's a great weapon in that game. So RC P90, the enemy was clearly on job. But that's right now somebody shots. I'm getting to A to right on the mouth right now. I'm picking up what you're putting down, you know, you know, you know, we can do it on virtual world. I've put it down pretty fucking hard. Good. Yeah. All right. So the key is though is that he saw some gangster doing gangster shit. So he runs home and he asked to like gather up all his belongings to go into witness protection, but funnily, right?

Yep, stick counter. We're gonna say funnily. That's what they're going for. Benefit of the doubt. That's what they thought this was. Yeah, well, he runs in and he starts just grabbing art. He's just like grabbing art off of surfaces and like, I want him like halfway through the stick to like drop all of the art and just start grabbing like sex toys and drug

paraphernalia. That's where you have more naked nacks. I can get more naked nacks. That's what you would grab. Just absolutely. And but I think he did grab one thing that was sex toy-ish. He picks up one DVD and it's so very clearly the homemade porn that they hid inside of a different DVD case. Cause he has one. Yeah, but you just you accidentally made it less and agronistic. I believe it was a VHS tape, but yeah. Oh, it was.

I love that. You got to fix the tracking. Yeah. Yeah. And we get the set up of their relationship, which is basically he's a spaz. Yeah. And we get the set up of their relationship, which is basically he's a spaz. She's a product of the patriarchy. What a novel set up. We. So that noise will happen after every stick. It's just like stick. We stick. We that's the movie that we would just say that for another 90 minutes. We'd be describing the movie perfectly. Yeah. Yeah. Is this a set up where we can just ask for the your editor to just add slide whistles in after everything Absolutely Morgan right now We'll do we'll do real one sometimes ourselves, but you add them in wherever you feel

Whatever we say something that's not funny just put a slide whistle in and that makes it funny Whistles clown horns whatever you got to go, whatever you got to do. A little morning show. Yeah, there you go. There you go. All right. So we're meeting Jack. That's going to be the husband.

We're also meeting Julie. This is the name they'll take on later in the movie, but I'm not going to confuse you with their, with their opening names. So we're meeting Jack and Julia. What we mostly have to understand here is Julie is some kind of bitch. What thinks she doesn't have to listen to her husband? Mm hmm. Yeah, she has autonomy and it's bad. It's, she's got a case of the autonomy is really bad.

Yeah, exactly. She's on the autonomy spectrum. Yeah, exactly. No. Yeah, and they're getting a divorce and I'm like, that's great. Like that's clearly a healthy choice for you. Yeah, right. For you both need to get this, but no, of course not.

They're going to stay together because of Jesus because this whole fucking genre is cursed. All right, so they carry her out of the fucking room into the next scene where they're going to learn, she's going to learn the plot of this dumbass movie, I guess, and be just as disappointed as the rest of us. Yeah, pretty much, which is just again, Justin Trudeaunt happened to witness a murder. And he was renting his trucks to the cartel. So he's apparently an accomplice to this murder in some weird way. He's a drug deal. He's part of a drug cartel.

He's like, he's part of a drug cartel. He's admitting to the FBI. And he's like, so I'm in a drug guard tell. They're like, oh, well, we're not. We're going to relocate you to jail now. Right. So, you know, and his wife gets super pissed at him and they play it like women be crazy, right? Yeah. This is the movie should be called, can I get a gaslighting? Yeah. Right. How dare this bitch not want to give up her entire life in a moment or whatever. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm with High Maintenance White for pretty much the rest of this movie. I think I agree that Dummo should get murdered and she should

just go back to wine and fabric vaginas. Hondo P. Hell yeah. Hondo P. Although she doesn't know the wines she's talking about, which bothered me as she's leaving. She's like, what's good to bring to witness protection program? A Pinot noir or a reasoning and she's holding up neither of those ones. You guys couldn't either get the bottle that would fit that or read the bottle that you write the other word into your dumb script. Right, Shiraz. You can't write the word Shiraz. I see the word Shiraz and the shapes of the bottles don't fit. Pinot noir and reasoning. Those are distinct. Jesus Christ. Your alcohol jar is really well calibrated. I just want to give you credit for that.

Your own point. My whole thought was just like, man, she's really trying to find what wine to pair with this terrible fucking movie. And I sympathize because I'm like trying to figure out which booze I need to drink next and order to get through the next hour. Well, and it's obviously Pinot noir. So some, you know, fair, fair. Yeah. She doesn't have as much experience with you pairing wine with her. She's gonna bring a reason like to witness protection like a

roo. Idiot. All right. So and then we have this gag about like, where are we going? Is it going to be somewhere awesome? And they're like, no, it's going to be Fresno. Yeah, fuck Fresno, I guess. Am I right, San Diego?

Right, right? Fresno. And they convey that this place is terrible via like as soon as they get out of the car, there's like three, there's like gunshots within like three seconds, which I want to highlight does not distinguish this from anywhere else in America at this point. Not really. No, you guys heard a few into my mic from Cincinnati. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. And okay. So the FBI has put them in witness relocation and apparently they've assigned them new identities, new names, a new home and a religion, right? Because they're just like, all right, you're going to be the associate pastor at this Christian church. And he's like, I'm not a Christian. He's like, doesn't matter. It's not a real job. So you don't have to be good at anything. Yep.

Bars real low. It's fine. Don't worry about it. And we're also introduced to the real hero of this movie, which is the sign out in front of the church. Oh my God. Thank you. It's the only punchlines available the church. Oh my God, thank you. It's the only punchlines available to us. And we forget like, we're getting ready to get ready. We don't raise our hands in church. We're afraid God might call on us. And like, I appreciate, I genuinely appreciate Christians

who admit they have not done the reading because they haven't. But it's okay if you come to class and say, look, I haven't, I just, I was busy this week or something. Listen, we're going to elect Liz Warren to scold all you idiots, but that's fine. Just admit it. No, you're all. That's cool. Thank you. But doesn't that say at all about this movie, though, that literally the funniest thing about this movie is a mildly clever church sign? Isn't an end of the object. Yep. You're right. That is the high point. Yeah, exactly. It's got the best. The best. Absolutely. They're the best. And it's clearly Robert

G Lee trying to find a way to like fit all his amazing one liners that he couldn't jam into the script, but they're worth the, they were the best part. Yeah. Because they didn't get jammed into the script. Yeah. And we're delivered by Destitute Man's Paul Rudder, Destitute Man's Paul G. I'm on it. So we're going to meet the oblate's feroid that plays the pastor in this film here, right? This is Jack's new boss. Jack is going to be the associate pastor. The FBI is going to give them a gigantic stack or two of cash for their witness protection, right?

Like they did. Like the FBI does. Yeah. And they admit right here, they're like, we only exist as a church because of government handouts, like this stack of cash. I'm getting right now. Weirdly self-aware. Yeah. Yeah. More honesty than I'm used to out of movie pastors. Yeah. This is not struck me as a functional business model. I mean, I'm not an expert as like a philosopher. I don't really know, understand money things, but like, I'm pretty sure it's not the way that this happens in this particular movie. Well, when you don't have to pay taxes, you know, it's just, it doesn't. Yeah. Because what you want to do, you want to be a clerical philosophy

profession, start a church, 100% better percent better. Oh, you con me personally. Tell me about it. I absolutely know what you're talking about. But like, yeah, it seems like the FBI folks in this are really not clear on how money works either because they're like, you have to like get off the grid. You can't use credit cards as opposed to maybe just give them credit cards under their new names or something. Yeah, that would work also.

And then you would know that they're trying to stack a month. Yeah, that would work also. And then you would know to a giant stack of money. Yeah, exactly. Also, okay, I'm sorry, but we have to point this out early and often the only African American character in this movie, Grouse. He's one of two. Oh, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. The other guys literally are narcoleptic. Yes. Uh huh. That's funny. And the other guy is giant and he calls him Lord Voldemort. And he's black. He's a giant black guy who will physically threaten several small white people over the course of this movie. That is his whole. Yeah. Yeah. I, y'all are the experts here. Why? Why? Well, I mean, he's one of those enormous African-American men that looks like Ray finds a little bit norm-time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. I was trying to follow you there. I got nothing. There's a lot of miscommunication here. So like, at one point, High Maintenance wife makes a joke about how this place is like hideous

and like whoever designed it should be arrested for a crime. And they do a stick where it's like, we don't get the joke, but it's not like that's a lame burn on like a volunteer organization. Why don't you act, you know, more mature your life's being saved. It's like, literally, we do not understand the words you're saying, what are the words mean? Clean crimes? What is crimes for like 10 seconds?

Yeah, yeah, no. And again, it's like every joke here, it's like ramping up for the joke part. And then they're like, no, we're a kid, we're not gonna go all the way to the joke. Boop, boop, boop. Yeah. All right, soop, boop. Yeah. All right, so they go to sleep on their shitty punk beds

and they shit in their shitty toilets and everything in the next morning, Jack shows up with coffee, but bringing his wife coffee won't resolve this movie's central conflict, dammit. No, it's gonna take some books. And we should highlight that like almost every new chapter, we'll call them chapters of this movie,

it's gonna begin with a title card from our friend, The Sign. And some of them I think are really worth highlighting. Like, Presbyterians were like Methodists, but without the excitement, like that's a sick burn. And they brought that to the Red Threadess. Oh, yeah Methodist without the excitement. You're super hot fire.

And then we're introduced right to Linda, the secretary. Right. Yeah, so he leaves his wife to go off to the fucking ancillary character parade beginning with Linda, the secretary. Yes. You mean with Janine ripped directly from Ghostbusters? Right. And, and okay.

At 100%. Protagon dumbass, like when she, when he hears the voice, his responses, is that your real voice? That was the only joke they could come up with. That was funny. For someone who's doing a dead-on Ghostbusters impression, like nothing like, are you afraid of anything? Anybody call Janine? investors impression like nothing like who are you afraid of anything?

Anybody call Janine? But yeah, so we meet Linda, then we meet Danny, the youth director. And he by the way, is the annoying marriage counselor guy from the beginning. So fuck us. He's going to be in the rest of this movie too. Right. And it turns out he's youth pastor and a spy-oriented pedophile. Yeah, he's basically grounds keeper Willie, but somehow more depressing.

And he can't maintain the accent. Yeah. He's super scary. He's going to get his very own terrifying sexual predator shot for no other reason than that. It's just him leering right behind the Janine character for like five seconds. Nothing happens. Nothing is said. That's it. We just see him and it's terrifying. Yep. Yep. Yep. Just short of like lifting up her skirt with a stick pretty much. Yeah. We also meet Kathy, the musical director. She's an actress that wears period costumes about town like actresses do. Yeah. She did some little home on the prairie cause play. Yeah, I take it. I'm into that kind of game. I'm happy for some marm action.

And like if this were a good movie, right? She'd inevitably sleep with our terrible protagonist, but because it's a terrible Christian movie, she's just going to sleep with her lame atheist husband. Oh, just we're getting a little Oregon trail role play. What do you got? Dissentary? You got Dissentary, don't you? Oh, God.'re good doing a little Oregon trail role play. What do you got? Dissenteri? Got Dissenteri. Don't you? Oh, God.

I'm dirty. Bad Dissenteri. You're dirty. Yeah, right. And we should point out that like basically each of these characters walks on screen and says, hello, my name is Linda. My wacky quirks will be XY and Z, right? So we've already done Linda, Danny and Kathy. Now it's time to meet Kathy's husband Andy, the atheist mailman. He comes in and says, I'm the atheist mailman. Christianity is a fairy tale. Bye.

It takes him point zero, three seconds. I've seen closing credits that introduce the character slower than this. Mm hmm. Yep. Yep. They're just going through them like, okay, I've met you sure would be nice of another wacky character would hit their cue And walk in there's the safari atheist Stupid is Fresno Rainforest ask or safari. I think it's a bulletproof Rainforest hat. I think it's a bulletproof. Rainforest hat. I think it's to deflect the bullets because it's Fresno or something.

Right, right. So all the gunshots from earlier. That makes sense. Yeah, and I've got to tell that he's played by good dimension Ted Cruz. Okay. Yeah, and it really is just like sideplot speed dating. He just like shows up and I think you're right. It's accurate, right?

I every time I make eye contact with someone, I like to shout at them, hi, I'm an atheist. Just to get out there, right? You know? Right. No, exactly. I sometimes to just stand on subway trains yelling atheist over and over again in case anyone's unaware, yeah. He also says, don't fuck my wife. I'm an atheist. How are those connected? Because that was his final thing. He was like, great, there's your male. Don't fuck my wife, I'm an atheist. As if... Did he say don't fuck my wife? He said don't get any ideas,

but basically don't fuck my wife. Is what I was woken up from. In my experience of atheists is an exact opposite of what atheists are gonna ask you to do most. I'm sorry, I'm very lucky. That is... If there's one group. Yeah, that is not the way that atheism works.

All right, all right. But sorry, the Anselaeric character parade hasn't ended just yet. We still have to meet the two bad guys kind of. This is the evil couple that I guess owns the church. It's very confusing. Yeah, that's a large loan, something. It gets even more confusing later, but for the movie, the movie gets super confused about what a building and its ownership and a mortgage bank and the complicated relationships there

and they have no idea what they're saying. Right. And these two are played by evil dimension Ruth Bader Ginsburg and evil dimension Andrew Torres as because there are both lawyers. Yeah. Two suits. It's pretty weird. And as soon as evil dimension, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is out of the room, evil dimension Andrew Torres explains to our protagonists that he total stranger at this particular point,

like he's literally just walked into the room and met this person. He lays out on him all of their marriage issues, all of his hopes and dreams. Like it's just great verbal diarrhea about everything that this person wants and loves. Right. But you got to admit, because I mean, they are different sizes and that like comedically different sizes for transitoris and Ruth Bitt against Berg. One is large and one is small and that's fucking funny. Mm hmm. That's, boy where that was the whole goddamn joke. What an it's the same design that you would use for muppets. They're basically muppets at this point is just balance in a log.

One of them is a skexy. And I was kind of curious what they were supposed to represent here too, right? Like because she's a short, herred woman. So obviously she's a bad guy, but like, are they mainstream Christianity? We'll get there. We'll get there. Yep. Yep. All right. So the pastor has to go talk to the evil short-haired lady. So he's very depressed and asked Linda to give Jack and Julie a tour of the church so that now we get there giving them a tour of the church scene. And really honestly, even in their movie, they can't pretend that a church isn't an enormous waste

of space. They try sort of and they fail every time. Yep. They like, this is our gigantic kitchen. We don't do anything with it. This is our Janet, organic dining room. It's empty. This is our gold smelter. It got condemned. I don't know. Yeah. You and they try to do a stick about like why things are closed like the we give a soup kitchen, but we don't use it because they found a rat, which I get the same health code as subway. I don't I think it's overly harsh that we would stop it. You know, but it's just like one wacky bullshit after another. Yeah. Oh, and are you guys ready for some good running gag shit?

Oh, come on. Got a good running gag. Literally, literally running gag. Bring it in. Bring it in. Bring it in. Yeah. All right. So the wife, we saw her earlier hanging up all of her very nice clothes.

Well, it turns out that's the rack where they hang the giveaway clothes. And now everyone's stealing all of her designer clothes. Oh, women would hate that. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? She would hate to chase homeless people around for the entire rest of the film over that. Yeah. Oh my god. Like, you should have to look at them back and rather than like have a normal conversation. It's like, finders, keepers, fight to the death over clothing. Cause bitches be shopping, I guess, or something. Yeah. Yeah. And the good guys from the church steal clothing, because bitches be shopping, I guess, or something. Yeah. Yeah.

And the good guys from the church steal clothing from one of the people to resolve this scene. Yeah. Yeah. And this will set up later up a punch line about how she has to wear a ball gown to church, because like genuinely, like everything in this movie is at 11.

They're like, they watch spinal tap and they're takeaway from spinal tap was literally just put everything up to 11. That was the point. A ball gown at church. Can you imagine everything ends in, can you imagine a slide with? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So yeah. So let's, let's move on to this. So it's, it's Sunday service. First day where Jack has to be the associate pastor, which means he has to sit near the pastor. Sure hoping to do that. And she yeses overdressed for the services. Yeah, as opposed to like giant silent black dude who's standing in the back and like fancy

suit. And like they done a stick earlier in the movie where like he's an expert at blending in. And he's just like standing in the way way creeping out so they can do a separate stick about white people gawking giant black dude because that is apparently comedy goals. Yes, I'm pretty sure the conceit of the joke is can you imagine you just walk into your church and there's a black guy? Okay, I don't get it.

That's not just a conceit. That's a montage. Yeah, yes, yeah, people walking in and being like black guy. Am I pointing at him? Am I touching his face? Black guy. There's a lot of prop poverty in this movie. And the black guy is one of the props is what we're exactly. Oh, and all right.

So, and also, by the way, the atheist male man apparently comes to church every Sunday. So he's doing it wrong. I mean, usually I say to each his own, but man, you're fucking this all up. Yeah, I really was hoping that this ended in a divorcing her and like taking everything, including her mar amount fits. Oh, and this is where we learn that his atheist club, you guys know, like atheist clubs, like we have his atheist club meets at that church on Thursdays, which is why they have to put big blankets over all their stained glass windows.

So as not to offend the atheists. Right. As if there are no libraries or brothels anywhere in this town. Right. It's like, come on. Man, this skeptics in a pub sucks. What kind of really dystopia?

Again, build your world. And we'd be asking for blankets over there, like brains and mouths, not their fucking stained glass windows. Yeah, that's right. I mean, the windows are kind of nice. The blankets over your voting ballots forever. I don't care about the windows. The windows are pretty.

I like the windows. Yeah, they're beautiful. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so the one of the few things they do right is windows. Yeah. Yes. All right, but now it's time for the, and honestly, okay, so Aaron, you've got to understand,

we've been through this about three goddamn hundred times, we're in the movie like the non-Christian person is called upon to say grace or to say the prayer or whatever, and they have no idea what to do. And can you imagine? Yeah, slide. Yeah, I'm just like baffled by this. Like he comes up like he's an alien who's just like learning to use a body and speak English for the first time. Like, how not interacting with human beings has your life been that you can't bullshit a prayer? You're not being asked to do it in Latin, dude.

Like just- Yeah, right! Shut up! That is the whole point of this movie. You can make some shit up and that is a prayer. Yeah. Oh, oh, also, also. Hey, I got a gag for you guys.

What if the musician's music machine couldn't music? God the Cassio keyboard sticks like People at home, right you hear the words Cassio keyboard stick whatever you're imagining in your head is Funny earth and what is going to happen in this movie like you have already surpassed How are we gonna like? Bad music isn't funny to begin with but what we go with is when she presses the keys Like the sound that comes out as The glass breaks and a slide was

Couldn't get like a morimba or something going like there's there's so much more work that you could do with this Oh, this podcast comes on do with this. This podcast comes on. All right. Well, and now it's time for the sermon, but uh-oh, the pastor dies to cardable music. Yup. Right. It's like, that, that, that, that, that heart attack. Pastor dying stick. That was a kind of a weird stick to, and like it's met with eye rolling and like a From Bro Tagonist but like the dude is straight dead. This is the this is game over for this particular character, but That's why this slide whistle goes in the other direction people it's really two sticks. It's in how it ended That's comedy. All right, well I'll tell you what, now that we have a nice humorous death to really get

the ball rolling, I suppose we can take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, quip. Hey Noah, what are you doing there? You polishing your shoes? No. Okay, cleaning the gun. No, I'm just going to brush my teeth with this. Oh, wow.

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Yep. But you have to go to getquip.com slash awful to get your first refill free. Wow. So we should all go right now to get q.u. IP dot com slash awful. We sure should get q IP dot com slash awful. All right. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sand down these

Pristles. Yeah, you sure should that is an excellent idea He's like an orbital yeah And we're back when we last left off the pastor was dying so we're gonna rejoin the action at his funeral with some nice topical cassette tape humor. More AV systems stinks. Yeah, as a tech person, I just like, I just can't, I'm so, that's horrible. This movie was made in 2016. Did they throw these actors the fuck out? Yeah, the music director, this is a funeral service and she's got a boom box from the 80s from like, do the right thing over her shoulder. And she's got a cassette tape that, okay, so what the fuck kind of mixtape was this? It had amazing grace on it that you would, okay, that makes sense for funeral.

But she was like, yeah, yeah, I'm just setting up a mixtape for funeral. I'm going to use my mixtape that has amazing grace. It also has the hallelujah chorus. It'll be fine. I probably won't, I won't keep going after that. I won't get to that part. And then she tried, she's trying to fix it. And it's like, huh, huh, huh, huh, staying alive.

And it was like boo, boo, not funny. Yeah. Yeah, right. Like, yeah, that's the thing is, boy, I'll tell you what, if you didn't like that joke the first time, what if we did the exact same joke again the next time, would you like it twice?

Would you do it? We do the same. I weighed a hell. Okay. It's nice. Max. This movie basically needs comic book captions, like old Batman style, like this old Batman style like flying out of the

screen at you during this. All right, so yeah, so we get the little music gag and then Jack has to say the pastor funeral words and he's not very good at that. Oh, I know. We're like half an hour in and we get to this topsy-turvy turn where now he's the pastor, which means we have an hour of him awkward mumbling like mumble-coring his way through this fucking sermon. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He can't even remember which religion it is that gets all the virgins. Yep. Get it. Yep. And then the music director hits the button one more time and

Havana Gila comes on and they had to cut a bunch of slur words from audience. Well, you know, when they say comedy comes in threes, what they mean is the exact same joke three times is three times as funny. I want it to be like the past there isn't the only one dying on this stage. A guy. All right. So Jack calls the FBI agent in charge of his case to complain, but darn it, if that guy's not in the middle of a gunfight just then, now that doesn't factor into the

scene. That's a joke all by itself, right? Like, imagine if you got a call and he'd be at a gunfight, he's at the FBI. Yeah, this guy has two jobs taking dweebs and putting them in churches and then murdering people. These are the two things the FBI apparently does. Yeah. Oh, and then of course we've got to get the gag where him and his wife are trying to open that safe with the giant stacks of money in it, but damn it if the only guy who knew the

combination wasn't dead. This movie has about like half a carat tops worth of prop comedy is really like when you're looking at the ingredients for this movie. And it's the safe is just like a very small aluminum foil box. Right. Oh, just cut it open. Yeah. What are you doing? But they're like, try eight, five.

Did you say eight, five? You think the combination of this safe is the number eight, eight the number five you want me to put that in and keep using single digit numbers as their guests. It goes up to a hundred. I said five I think I'm feeling it's eight five. I mean look, we're gonna have to come back to this well four or five more times. So like we can't we can't blow our whole safe lot here on the first. Yeah, we've got the character arc. They'll figure out what if we try three numbers, it gets exciting. Yeah, no, yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there. So yeah, so they can't open it now, dammit. So he goes to his office, Jack does and Linda and Kathy

are sadly putting up their stuff because they assume that they're going to get fired by the new associate pastor because they're women and have no, no value. Yeah, that's fair. But they underestimate it right. How, how pointless everything that happened in this movie is the idea that anything will change a value over the course of this movie is just really misguided. Yeah. So, yeah, so he says they're not going to fire him. Then atheist mailman shows up to fuck up the problem of this movie is just really misguided. Yeah. So yeah, so he says they're not going to fire them. Then atheist mailman shows up to fuck up the problem of evil.

Yeah, I love this so much when they try to do an atheist argument because obviously they don't know the atheist arguments or they wouldn't be religious anymore. So this is, here's how they have him present the argument. He says, like, if you believe in free will, then why would I be punished for making the wrong choice? You guys think that's the objection that we have? That's, that's not how that works. Consequences where is what we're at. But the movie thinks they lost that argument, which isn't the argument, because the movie's like, it's really good point. All the Christian people are like, fuck, he's got stumped.

Are you in the movie? He said a lot of words with a question mark at the end. Yeah. This guy in the movie, I feel like he's just showing up and he's fucking messing with us and he's winning every time. He did pay us 500 bucks. Yeah, well, they got to show growth somehow, right? So it's like Rocky before he punches the atheists

and then Rocky after he punches the atheists and then Rocky after he punches the atheist, I think is how that. Oh, dude, this is 100% some guy, an atheist who spent the $500 to be in the movie. That makes so much sense. Oh my god. Right. And they just, yeah, he was just, and he's just like, I'm going to say what I'm going to fucking say, guys, well, I'm in front of this camera. Hell is dumb. Oh, yeah, he's not wrong about that. You're right. Hell is pretty fucking stupid.

Um, the S Lewis. No, no, no, no. Okay, here's your mail. God is dead. Fuck, is he serious? I love you. He's getting us. So like they have this argument or whatever. And Kathy says, Hey Jack, let's go for a

walk. We have no fucking idea how to end this scene. Otherwise, so walk with me to the next scene. We should walk from here elsewhere to the exterior. Yeah. So they go outside the atheist character. I love this. He's like, you know, I'd respect and like Christianity a lot more if you guys were more in my face about it. Uh, yeah, he like he wants to

just be pushed around. I mean, I think he's explaining why his sex life with little but peep is not working out properly that like he really wants her to ride him properly. Um, and that's what he looking for. Not doing it right is why that's not working. Yeah, right. And she's like explaining how the pastor had never left the church like he saw it as a fortress or something to protect people. She's shitting on the dead guy and friends know in the same moment as she's trying to get this guy to like convert and be part of this system. I don't, I'm getting the signals is what I'm saying from Chris Slady. Right. But then he beats the movie again. He's like, hey guys, just quick thing, maybe focus on real things that help people. They're like, oh, yeah. And she's like, listen, honey,

you're making a little bit too many good arguments too quickly. We need you to fuck off so that I can convert this empty haircut over here. Yeah. And he's like, no, this is an atheist movie. And they're like, can we cut that? He paid $100. We have to leave that in. I'm confused about how our Kickstarter works. Here's my contract. It's stuck.

We do have to keep it. It says it. We wrote this. Also, okay. So here's how bad this fucking movie is, right? So the atheist guy leaves Jack and Kathy are walking down the street and she's going like, yeah, the people who live in this good, in this neighborhood are good people. They work really hard and aren't done government assistance.

And as she's saying that, we're seeing the movie's other black guy. Oh, God. Yep. The people who live in this neighborhood are minorities and old people. Yep. And also dust bowl farmers. He's just raking some dust is my second job. Okay. I'm pretty sure this is the kid from O O brother where art thou the one who sells

his soul to the devil because all his all entire. He has a guitar and he's a narcoleptic. I'm okay. That guy grown up. Like, that's my brain cannon. You pick your own candidate home. Interesting backstory there. Right. I have a thing where I try to make terrible movies better

in my head. So I, the same way we get through. I get it. Yeah. And like several point list sticks later, they've kidnapped this black guy. And like, they're kidnapped this black old black guy and like they're keeping him from receiving proper end of life care by keeping him in the church.

Yeah. Okay. So they established that this character has Alzheimer's and narcolepsy, which will both be used as gags for the rest of the fucking movie, right? Gags and the legal reason to you weren't exaggerating kidnap this man. Yep. Yeah. But on the plus side, right, two black characters. That's, that's a big thing. I'm just saying that's, that's a hundred percent increase of black characters in this movie.

It's, it's, it's the one. Yeah. Highest employment rate among black people. The president told me that. It's true. Now, I want to point out that for the rest of the movie, they'll have him just sleeping in the pews without a blanket, right? Like, look at how much nice shit we did for this guy.

Did you realize that you can lie people down in a pew and then they'll stand up and say a line and that's funny? Because we're going to do that a few times. It's a really good, like I'm hoping I'm sharing some insights here with you all here people. Oh, you still didn't realize? No, just, it's rule of eights. Just give it a second. It's really.

Exactly. All right. So now, of course, we have to establish a friendship between Linda and Julie. They're going to have them some girl talk, starting off with, so what's up with Kathy, the religious person, and Andy, the atheist husband, that's pretty wacky, huh? Yeah. It's going to do a spin on it.

And get some like random, eight exposition alternating with objectification lessons. Is that what I'm taking? Like, yes, exactly, exactly. Cause yeah, once we get through that, Julie's going to give Linda a make Danny want to fuck you make over. Yeah, it looks serious. Show me the opposite of passing the Bechtel test. Yeah. It's just a won't like there's literally a line in here where a woman just tells another

woman to smile more and you're just like Christianity. Yeah. That's the punchline. Yeah. I don't have to write it. Yeah. They didn't write a punchline by not the right. Yeah, they didn't murder punchline Christianity. Ooh. And then I fell backwards.

Let's. And then we get like a montage of Julie trying to sexy Linda up them trying to break in this safe Danny fixing shit and Eddie the old the old black guy falling asleep in random places because narcolepsy is super funny. And also assaulting another elderly person. I want to notice that they got time in there to randomly assault a woman who's trying to walk. Oh right.

Oh right. Yes, they did. They just made a montage of all the unrelated things that are actually. Yeah. So clearly there was like, fuck, did we not write an dialogue for a bunch of these seats? A lot, but we didn't write.

So montage for this whole thing? Great. Yeah. What's the difference between a montage and just security camera footage? Nothing? Okay, nothing. Great.

Yeah, right, right. The angle is the angle, right? Nothing. Okay, nothing. Great. Yeah, right. Right. The angle is the angle, right? Yeah. There's color. Yeah. They did it in color. That's the difference. Okay. If this was filmed like clerks, it would have been better. Yeah. That's true. All right. So the montage ends in now, Linda is sexy. And by that, I mean, not wearing glasses.

Yep. Right. Like, that's the only difference. I found her super attractive before and after. I was thinking about him. Yeah, you're like, I'm frumpy. That's fair. Yeah. I like, yeah, I like, I don't know, the Gestalt.

You like the, you like the boxy clothing and the like, yeah, it's glow, it's glorious and stop it. Stop it right now. It's so hot in here. like, yeah, it's glow of sclerosis and stop it. Okay. Stop it right now. It's so hot in here. And creepy Michael Keaton shows up and like sees pretty woman secretary and does like full on horny wolf stick like I. Oh, he fucked the fucking door jam.

Dick, just flapping out there, just like banging it against the wall as clear as he can do. Yeah. And so we get that. And then we get Jack walking into his office and he sits back and he puts his feet up on the desk as though he's just realized that pastor is a job with no responsibilities. Mm hmm. Accurate. Accurate. And like he's trying to look super relaxed. And he like sits down in this low budget office furniture that they've rented for this particular thing, but it doesn't even lean back. So like everything else in this movie, it's just painfully awkward.

I feel like tries to look relaxed. Yeah, but now he realizes that he has to write sermons and shit. So oh, no, he'll have to read all the pastor's books. And I love this guy so much because they're supposed to pan up to his shelf and there's like a lot of books, but there aren't. Right? There's like two months worth of reading there. Several of them are clearly encyclopedias. Yeah, exactly, exactly, including the encyclopedias. There's like space left over on his single bookshelf for signed baseball since. Does that say bookshelves for dummies?

No bookshelves for dummies book to fill space in the shelf. And a coffee table book about coffee table. Oh, yeah. All right. So now, okay, so we cut to the next morning. This is the morning of his big sermon. Now that he's fallen asleep to his dictionary and wouldn't you know it? Danny, the funny guy character has gotten

the churches PA working. Apparently they have a giant fucking set of bowl horns that blares out over all of Fresno. The city of Fresno. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a little bit of like good morning, Vietnam here, but without the charisma to pull off actually doing the whole stick. So they just cut it off halfway like every Sunday. How does that motivate people to want more Jesus? I do not understand this quasi-alley. Explain this to me. I hear those bells and I'm like, fuck Jesus, fuck that guy. Why did he tell his followers they needed bells?

All right, so now he has to do his first sermon and boy is he nervous. So then music lady Kathy, she tries that cassette gag again. That always kills. That just never stops being funny. She played the wrong song on her cassette player at church. And like they just, they keep having her stack pieces of broken technology on top of each other. Like the next one I want, like she puts like a hand-cranked music, like

minstrel show thing on top of it starts winding it and just like like horrible demon noises come out, like how far back into the into the recesses of terrible technology? Can you run this gag? Just a dead cherub with a harp on top of that. Also, okay. So here's how badly done this fucking movie is. So the big gag that they have here, right? Jack goes up to do a sermon and he's got real sweaty armpits,

but the movie's so poorly lit and his shirt isn't like light color. You can only tell at first that he's got the armpit stains because the other characters are signaling to him about the armpit stains? For like 20 fucking seconds. I think you need to emphasize how long this terrible, like how many of the sad sack characters get involved

in this pit stain stick. This is a black hole of fucking funny, like everyone, everything dies in his moment. And then, and then he actually does the sermon for a second and he's bad at pretending to be bad at speaking, the actor is like, yeah, the actor memorized the lines and now he's fake reading them to sound like he's reading them. Just don't memorize them, just read them. I know you're not a strong reader. I've watched you act. And I would honestly take monotone book report version over the like random awkward gyrating that will follow after he loses access to his note cards.

Yeah. All right. So Jack goes back and screams it into his pillow and has a big sad, herrum, and then his wife comes in to talk about how relatable and humorous that last scene was. Yeah, the characters appear to bond over how terrible this movie is, which I think is unfair, because that's our job. Like, yeah, right? You guys were inches away from fucking earlier. That's definitely our job. Exactly. But no, they get to have sexy time, which we're not going to get to watch because of Jesus. Yeah.

Right. And she's like, wow, you're really bad at pastoring. You want to fuck me now? And he's like, yeah, are we over the problem, the marital problems that we never defined? Yeah. The problems of your autonomy. Yes, we appear to have solved the problems of her autonomy. As she has been folded into the plot devices of this movie.

Yeah, exactly. Yep. And smash cut again to the sign, making a joke, begging people to believe in God because sex, which is a better argument for God than anything else people get in this movie. Yeah, no, that's true. I love that too, because we cut from him, her saying, hey, you want to fuck to the next day so apparently they fucked all afternoon It was broad day. It was like it literally he went that the sermon and then he called the guy and then he went and fucked his wife So kudos to them, you know, well, I mean yeah, they've had a lot of fucking to catch up on because she's been you know

Requiring that he let her be on top or something I would imagine. So yeah, problem. And okay, so he goes back to his office and he catches Linda and Kathy giggling about how bad he is at pastoring. And not the fact they were fucking really loud all day in the church. That was my initial impression of that jump cut with like, they're giggling because they heard how loud that fucking got like, it's like, wow, you guys, I thought I heard you guys fucking, but it didn't didn't last very long I like it couldn't have been fucking that you were doing right the bunk beds fell through the wall fuck you I was trying to go from we're trying to do a top

bottom thing it was it's harder than you don't all right so now he he tells us secretary and everything is he's like, I gotta read all the books this week in that entire thing that he falls asleep to books again. And then we have this amazing fucking scene. I love this so goddamn much. Kathy comes in while he's asleep in front of his books and she's laying a choice selection of books out in front of him. The very best Christian authorship has to offer. I shit you not.

It's in order. Lee Strobel, CS Lewis, and Josh McDowell. Those are the three books he gets. I want you to start with the Lion the Witch in the Ward. That is your first Christian apologetic. I wanted to say, no, it's mere Christianity. I feel bad for CS Lewis in this situation, right? Like, do you? I do. I feel like CS Lewis is a decent writer. And like, okay, at least that. Yeah. Okay. In my first marriage, which was to a Christian who ended up going to seminary school, How'd that go? You called it first marriage. I think I clarified everything you need to understand about the situation, right?

One of the things she had me read was C.S. Lewis's mere Christianity. And it was readable. I'm saying it was readable as what I'm saying, right? Okay, like the arguments are bad. But it's short and I got through it. Yeah, no, it was short. It was short. It was really fucking short. I was that's what I was thinking.

It was like, you know, he's been complaining about having to read all of these books. It's me. I'm like, well, if I knew you were dealing with CS Lewis and Lee Strobe, well, yeah, you could do that in an afternoon. I know, right. I looked up Lee Strobele and McDowell and I'm like, oh, even Gellicles, bored. Let's go back to CS Lewis's weird mythology and like absurd

horrible like, your Christianity is basically bad moral realism. And I say that as a moral realist, like it's the thing that gives moral realism a bad name. And then in between that, it's a lot of weird thoughts about what liars would do. Like, yeah, we'll get to that later though. That'll come up as an important plot point. Sure. This fuck well. And also, I just, I love this so goddamn much because this is how little they understand about anything that's happening in the universe. At this

point, we see him. He's fallen asleep reading again, but this time apparently he's so into it that he fell asleep reading two books. Mm hmm. It's got two books open on top of messy sleeves. That's how into it he was. He was reading one book with the left eye and the other one with the right eye goddamn. One was braille. He was doing it eyes and dead.

Oh, got you. And like, maybe she should mix in like two Christian apologetics and one book on public speaking. Like, yeah, that's all crippling public speaking problems by reading a bunch of theological texts. That's not how any of this works. So, I mean, it's at least as coherent as anything else that happens in hijinks, church, breath, no.

Oh, I love this next scene too, where he like like he runs out of his office to shit on the Jewie parts of the Bible. He's like, he runs out. He's like, Hey, do you understand this old testament? It's fucking weird, right? It's full on sign. Yeah. Yeah.

What is up with these things? What? I mean, it's basically what's a qubit, but we're not allowed to do what's a qubit anymore because someone ruined that forever Fuck her. They're black. They're Arab. They're black. They're at picorace and go with it And it's absolutely the wrong cell because it's like the old testament makes new sense But the new testament is red and I'm like come on man The old testament is where all the fun shit is at. Let's be honest with ourselves.

Like no one is excited by like, loving, mick cross pants. We want to read about the murders. Go to the murder. So here's the thing though, the New Testament also has that crazy shit. Anybody remember the 30 to 50 Pharaoh hogs in the Bible? Like that's the fucked up thing is that like what this is the kind of thing that someone has when they are says, when they have the new and like that's the fucked up thing is that like what this is the kind of thing that someone has when they, or says,

when they have the new and old testimonies described to them, not when they fucking read them. When you actually read it, you're like, wow, this is really fucked up. Everyone dies in this new testament. Oh yeah, isn't that, that's when Jesus like exercises the person and then sends the pigs into the fucking ocean just to be a dick. Yeah, fuck those.

He's like, I've exercised you. You know what? I'm gonna murder these pigs now too. Fuck these spare holes. Which like is a waste like from an animal use perspective. Like that's a good meat. Like the demons don't actually harm the fl- In fact, they actually probably add to the flavor of the animal. Yeah, I would like some demon bacon. I would eat demon bacon.

Yeah. You're starting Christianity Christianity you're doing bacon now just fucking use it yeah exactly and I like that is takeaways from reading CS Lewis are like did you know that he fed a bunch of people like I love dunks on CS Lewis but this feels

unnecessarily cruel about how how dumbed down this version of Christianity really is so he goes back into study more Jesus shit. And then of course Danny shows up to ask Linda out, but she says, no, because he didn't notice her until she had her sexy, not wearing glasses at the moment makeover. Yeah. Again, like the atheist character, making way too much sense for the movie she's in. She really needs to not put things together as quickly.

And like in return, we get like a bunch more gaslighting from her about for not wanting to be a sex object or something. Like, I just have, I know it's just like Christy Anity, question mark. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So now he, okay, so we have the scene where he's like Layan and Pedreed and his wife comes up and wants to help him be a good pastor now. And he starts telling her about all the great shit that he's read and all these apologetic books. And he says, did you know that CS Lewis says that you can tell Christianity is real because

it's absolute and utter crazy bullshit. It's so stupid. It circles back to me. Yes, and that's actually CS Lewis's argument. If it was fake, it would make fucking sense. Yeah, it's the horseshoe theory of religion. Yeah, it's absolutely 100% horseshoe theory. And like, I got here and I'm like, oh, good.

Finally, some philosophy that I can sink my teeth into. And I'm like, nope, nope, I tap out. Does that what you felt? Tap. No, you all have no idea the fucked up shit. I'm like, let's be honest here, I have made up a lot of crazy shit in my life. And the fact that I have made it up

and that it is crazy shit does not make it true. That argument does not follow. Otherwise, I would have a lot of apologizing to do it in my life. I'm going to go die for a lie. Does this make sense? I don't know what's happening. He goes, he says to the wife, he's like, yeah, the proof of Christianity is pretty overwhelming. We won't, we won't mention any of it. We'll just, you and I will just nod. Yeah. That was the sentence after so stupid. It has to be real. Yeah. Proof is overwhelming. Literally. Did you hear yourself? I'm going to play you

to back to yourself. Just listen to your sentences. The proof that it's bat shit crazy is absolutely overwhelming. That is for sure. This is exactly like trickle-back economics. Yeah. No, no, if we've established that bat shit crazy equals true, then yes, the proof is overwhelming. Yeah, I am on board with your agreement that this is so bat shit crazy that only crazy people would believe in it. So, and then, and then he's like, you know, I feel a little hypocritical about this sermon that I'm about to give because I don't actually believe in any of this Christianity shit. To which his wife's like, well, then, you know, why don't we just give our lives over to Jesus?

It's pretty much the end of the second act, isn't it? Did it? Yeah. We have a question now. Some piano music. We get some piano, like becoming Christian just apparently involved listening to a little bit of piano music and closing your eyes for a second. Yeah.

No, he just gives himself a hands-free orgasm somehow. And he's like, Jesus nailed it. And no longer hypocrite. We're in. I love how you say somehow you can tell this guy's never been married. Yes, he gave himself a no hands orgasm. Wait. Yeah.

No, you look circling back. You learn to do it just by shaking back and forth at a certain point. Yeah. Oh, you do like the helicopter dance? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. You got to get it in when you can like Christ edging like crucifying yourself. We'll workshop that. We'll work on it. Yeah. We'll figure something out. The video game has a feature for that. And I also love this fucking like because she's like, what did you just do? He's like, I Jesus to my head. She's like, really? He says I became a Christian because I suddenly realized it wasn't all about me.

I Jesus so hard. The philosophy that says the universe was literally creative for me and that God came down incarnate in this goddamn universe and died because I checked off once later. Isn't all about me. Mm. Yeah. And then the wife is like, oh man, you're just, that was so fast. You're Christian now?

All right, I want to be a Christian and he's like, no. No, no, no. And she has trouble finishing at being a Christian. This is a really extended metaphor about sex. Yeah. That's the thing that's very different, right? Make so much sense. Christian. This is a really extended metaphor about sex. Make so much sense. Bloody city wife. Like does a whole like go out of the room and hear my mind blown.

Wow. Just get there. Just tie in this together. This is amazing accidental writing. They did. This is what philosophy degrees get you. You really tie the whole thing together. All the con. You can really find some amazing acts then I'm writing. Yeah. But this is probably my favorite

single moment because like he becomes a Christian and she walks out of the room and we're supposed to see her. I think become Christian. Yes, it's the best. You can practically hear her saying act, act, act, act, act under her breath, right? It's the greatest. She walks out into the hallway because you have to be in a hallway or you have to be by yourself. Well, I can't, I can't go exactly, exactly. And then we get what I thought was about to be a musical number, being like, I can't be Christian.

But it's just her trying. So she goes out there and this is her Broadway moment, her Oscar moment. She's like, laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian, I didn't get it.

Super Sam. I shat. I want to roll D20 for Christianity. I know that you'll have a Christianity bingo game, and I feel like this is the first one that manages to clear the whole board. It just covers every single Christianity thing. It's not the first one, but yes, it certainly does. It really, it really.

And like, yeah, they were in a conversation. They were having a relationship about this Why did she wander off to do this long dark crying in the hallway of the soul to herself? All right, well, I'll tell you what I feel like that actor is gonna need a few more minutes to summon some tears So we're gonna take a break but first let me give a act three the hard so Will that actor summon some tears? Why doesn't she just think about the career that could have been?

Does it help that I was crying at this point in the movie? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the, oh yeah, the plot conclusion of, can I get a witness for protection? You know, over the years, we've seen a lot of portrayal of atheists in Christian movies and they've all shared a lot of similar traits. Now as much as we'd love to push back against those stereotypes, it turns out they're actually all 100% true. We've tried but we can't argue with a

single one. In fact, just listen to this typical meeting between two real life atheists. between two real-life atheists. Hi, I am Heath. Hi, I am Aaron. Please, to meet you. Please, to meet you. There is no God. You are right. Christianity sure is a fairy tale. You are right about your follow-up. I would believe that, in fact, irrespective of the evidence laid before me. You're right.

So right. So what did your mom die of? Cancer. Yours? Car accident on her way to chemo for the cancer. Right. Rough. Yeah.

Would you like some wine? I don't know. How snooty is it? Oh, it's the snootyest of wines. Sure. I'll have a mug. Great. I don't know how snooty is it. Oh, it's the snootyest of wines. Sure, I'll have a mug. Great. So,

that God sure does not exist, does he? Sure doesn't, right? More mug wine? Let's ask our dominant wives what they think. That's a great idea because of course we value the opinion of women and that is a negative stereotype in Christian movies. You are right. We are both right about everything we've said, I would say.

So right. Including that. Atheism. Thank you. And we're back for more of this shit. We last left our heroes. They were becoming Christian and now we rejoin them waking up. Christian. We also get to see our protagonist again.

The sign outside the church. Maybe you guys can explain this one to me. It said, download God's prayer app for hours of quality faith time. Was that face time, like sort of not rhyme, but sounding similar pun? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Get Jesus in your iPhone and he will totally pwn. There's no way Jesus wasn't an Android guy. That's ridiculous. Right. Right.

Son of God. Yeah. And we get the good morning Vietnam stick again, but like not quite because I think that I think they're worried about being sued at this point by the estate, right? Like that's why we're not getting they cut it off just just short. I so wanted when they woke up for them to be like, look, I know we had a lot to drink less. I feel like I converted religions. Can we just not talk about that? We just pretend. Also, by the way, to circle back to those bunk beds, if you've noticed, now they have debunked the beds. Yeah. Just like Lee Strobel debunked. Also, she slept in her robe, and that's just fucking weird. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, that's your crazy person or or In fairness wasted.

Well, that's true. That happens. I would like to see the cutting room floor sequence where like in the middle of fucking they were like, man, we really need these beds to be next to each other. That's not going to help at all because they're not connected and it's like a slide apart if we're like trying to have sex on them.

I'm getting injured in the gap. You can see what's happening. Look at this. We should pick one of the other bed and then just we can just go back to them. They're both children's size. She's just fuck standing up. I explain. You want to stand up?

I hit my head. I hit my, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding a lot. Oh, and just so you know how quick we'll put, we're going to pull triggers on in this fucking movie. It's at this point that Jack gets a phone call from the FBI guy and he's like, hey, good news. I found you a new safe house.

You don't have to be a Christian anymore. He's like, no, you know what? I want to, I want to be a pastor anyway now. A Christian one. Oh, man. Like, and you just knew the call was coming after the double, like, set up that like, because modern Christianity is just 100% paint by numbers, apparently.

There is no beat in this story that is not telegraphed from space. It is fucking horrible. Yeah. Oh, we don't want to go. We've converted via Jesus sex. We're done. Via Listo.

Yeah. We're going to stay and finish the movie. Thank you. Don't call me back. They literally fucked up a pile of mere Christianity. I really, I think that is a beautiful symbol. I think we should actually support this movie. I've switched sides.

I'm putting $500 so that I can be, so that I can be the copy of mere Christianity under the two of the generals. All right, so now it's time for my best worst. It's time for the second makeover of the movie. This time they're gonna fix the church and pretty it up a little by taking the goddamn blankets off the stained glass windows and nothing else.

Yep, and they're so excited. They're just like, yay, look at all the Christian photon. Yeah. Why would you leave? It's just getting bludgeoned to death by metaphors. The Atheist guy comes in and he's like, fuck and windows. Now everybody's gonna be Christian. Damn it.

Right. It's not they stick it to the Atheist and somehow like a bunch of folks just like randomly show up like they magically notice that they had taken the curtains. It's like it's like in a video game when you upgrade your base And then it's like all of a sudden a bunch more people show up how do they know I don't read this church like it's a base This church can now create flying units And also, oh, let's go back to that music gag again, because that always works. Now Kathy has a tiny little harp, but she doesn't know how to play the harp at all.

Why she would have that is kind of beyond me. But yeah, she's going to be like blowing a kazoo and the kazoo is just not going to work. She's like coughing her way into a kazoo. Hey, Fonzie, can you elbow this because you have me for a second? Great. All right, so now he's going to go, he's going to go for the big fucking sermon. He goes, you know, there's so much evidence that supports

Christianity. Anyway, anyway, let's all leave the church right now quick before anyone can ask for any of that. Do we have class outside? I need more. Yeah. The servant and we get an atheist guy. Oh, evidence.

I'm sad. Yeah, right. Quality stick. Yeah. So yeah, the whole thing here is going to be like evidence. And by which I mean, let's go out and help people. That's evidence. Yeah, right. He's like Christianity is a religion of action.

We're like Indiana Jones, but with God instead of a whip, guys, let's go. I love the honest response from evil Andrew Torres, where he like says, Christianity is a religion of action. He's like, is it? Is it really? I mean, I haven't done a lot up to this point. So they all, they all leave to go do Christian shit. And I'm thinking to myself, I so want like a montage

of like a abortion clinic bombing and like rallying against a pride parade or something. They walk outside the church, it's a bunch of atheists that defend the yelling of the Christians. Like that, that paranoid. And he's kind of lying where he's like, you know, if God calls us to go out and save the world, why are we having church inside? And you're like, oh, we've straight into good point territory again.

Why is the waste of choice? Why is the waste of choice? Why did you think you were making? Fuck your good works, Faith. That's, We're not Catholic. Why do we say that in these movies? And they really drive it home with like the whole design because they're like, Oh, actually helping people, this is super novel. Let's play

the novelty music as we wander to our novel helping people activity. You're giving the game away folks. This is two men. Right. So they all wander off to do some good. And then the atheist comes up to Jack and he's like, Hey, that evidence you were talking about, is there any chance

that all you could provide any one real shred of it? And he's like, Yep, they're sure is. Let me pull this should out of mere Christianity. Here we go. Yeah, here it is. Here it is. All the evidence right here, this overwhelming fucking mountain of evidence. Why would the apostles die for a lie? There it is.

Yep. And an atheist guy, he goes like full goodwill hunting. He's like, oh, Lee Strobel, yeah, I've read Vickers too. He's one of the plays where I have the whole fucking thing. You have an original idea. You're on. It's pressing, I mean, the author of this movie clearly only read near Christianity. Like this is an argument straight from your Christian. Like he didn't get to the

Strobel and the McDowell. That's a little, that's heavy lifting is what I'm saying. Like actually, yeah, good point. Do you want to play drys, least strobe, play drys? Yeah, exactly. Exactly, you're right. But of course, my immediate response is who would die for a lie? I'm like, well, let's see, heaven's gate,

branched obedience, fucking Joan's town. Well, yeah, it's not a good argument. Right, that's the fucked up thing. It's number one. It's a terrible argument. But number two, we have no evidence that any of the apostles died this martyr's death that they're selling, right? Yeah.

So like, it's a bad argument that does isn't even supported by historical evidence. Or they were stupid and religious, which is, you'll do that. Yeah. Somebody died for Jesus, eventually. Now, this is the point at which atheists do really fails us. I feel like up until this point, he was like doing a decent half ass job of like, Somebody died for Jesus, eventually. Now, this is the point at which Atheist dude really fails us. I feel like up until this point, he was like doing a decent half ass job of like,

here's the objections. And like now it's like, oh, I don't have an immediate worst, I can't think of any of the people who've died because of lies and any way in human history. I can't think of that ever happening in history by. And then also, by the way, you know what this movie needs?

It's a new wacky character, right? So this is what I was gonna say. Yeah, so this is where we're gonna meet Hollywood Harry. Hollywood Harry serves no goddamn function in this movie, except like if the, if the narcoleptic guys asleep, we have a second head to pop up from a pew. Well, and except to be a really dark, terrifying mirror of Robert G Lee who wrote this because he's like, I'll Hollywood Harry.

I was warm up comic for wings the sitcom in 1989. I have no money except for the Kickstarter that would just really give me $8. Yeah, my note is absolutely, I smell the writer of these non jokes. Yeah. Yeah. And the character is, he's homeless

and so he gets to move into the church. And I'm like, yep, I absolutely think that you would have been involved in the writing of this production. Yeah. I believe that, oh, Harry G. Lee has lived in a pew. I can't guarantee. Oh, I feel so bad because I'm like, Robert G. Lee, sorry, Robert G Lee has lived in a pew, I can't guarantee. Oh, I feel so bad because Robert G Lee, sorry, Robert G Lee, I confused him with Hollywood Harry.

Yeah, it's easy to do. All right. And so now we get, we get date night. It's date night for Jack and Julie. He's taking her out to the place they live for a date. Well done, man. That'll get you fucked. Beauty and the douche. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's struck together some Christmas lights around the dining area and

let some candles. That's shit, dude. That's just even by the standards of Christian movies. Right. With the homeless guy playing the candle stick at this point. Yeah. Yeah. And then Harry shows up to do Eli's French accent and take their order. Food stick. I have food stick for two food stick who's looking for food stick, please. Jesus. So he went and then he, okay, now Jack has a chart that he's made up of all the cool stuff he wants to do to church it up. And here's the fucked up thing, okay?

This is not intentional. The thing, the idea that he has is to exploit the labor of homeless people who don't know any better. Right? This was the church slavery that happened. Yes. In California. Yes, exactly. In California. Yes, exactly.

That's his fucking idea. He's like, what if we just let all the homeless people live here and then they could just work for us for free? We probably wouldn't get, you know, an expose about us for like three more years. Yes. I'm getting the feeling that y'all are from your tone negative about this choice. And like, as a cult leader, I'm curious, I'm like, what do you get a little bit of feedback? Why? Like, why is the project mayhem turned not the right move? Bedbunkster,

important step. His name was Robert G. Lee. And I love too, because they got to give the wife something to do, right? He's like, and I came up with a great idea for what you can do. You can give all the single moms in the neighborhood makeovers. And then they'll be prettier so they'll get better jobs. That's literally what the guy fucking says. Solid Christian logic. Just treat down the line, good stuff. Employment counseling. Take off your glasses. You're done with the lesson.

If you put your hair off. Shake your hair, maybe take a pencil out. Can you put a pencil in? Now take it out. Nope. Pick up that jug of water, but like super hot, like just reach for that jug of water. All right.

So Jack cheerly heads into his office the next day, but dammit. If the bad guys, the short haired lady and her husband aren't there waiting for him to yell at him for all that. Mr. and Mrs. Slide whistle down. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. They got a yell at him for all of that taking Christianity on the road, shit that he was

doing. He needs to be a traditional pastor. Yeah. And I wanted this moment to be prefaced by the sign just being like, I checked out 40 minutes ago with the fuck that I missed like. I went off and got high. He's saying just like we didn't hit our kickstarter. Eeeee.

credits. Uh, yeah, no, and the Shrew woman, right, Ruth Bittigan's Berkskecki, is threatening her him for being too positive and not financially functional enough. And I just want like a giant like Pharisees sign just like flashing and thinking at her for the folks in the back who are getting it. Yeah, exactly. They will make a clearly anti-Semitic Pharisees remarkable. Yes, they will. Absolutely. They will. All right. So we wrap that scene and then he

has to go introduce his indentured servitude church model to the whole gang. And there's this law that there's this long bit where everybody's going like, right, but wouldn't we need permits for that? And they're like, well, we could lie about it, right? And that doesn't like lead it. It's not like they learn their lesson about this or anything. They just have a whole scene where they're all just like, yeah, but we can't legally do that.

And they're like, yeah, we just won't tell the government we're doing it. No, it's fine. We're church. I don't know if you're clear about this. There's no rules. Yeah. That's the most on point thing in this entire video. I don't understand what your concern is here.

Like this is 100% accurate. It's a bunch of incomprehensible nonsense. Yeah. Christians can do whatever the fuck they want in the Northern law. Yeah. Nope. Nope.

They're just like, yeah, I mean involuntary servitude. So I mean, the math checks out. That's great. Yep. Can we do that totally? Yeah. We're a church, Riffra. Yeah, Red Riffra. We can literally, we're sincerely held. We're sincerely holding these servants in a true follow-through of the nature of Christianity, too. Like, when you have these, like, individuals, all of which have like five brain cells of peace throughout together, in this brainstorming session of what we. Like when you have these like individuals, all of which have like five brain cells a piece through up together, in this brainstorming session of what we can do when we have literally no laws,

their bright idea is dance party. Yep. Just like, yep. Fresno loves a church rave or something, I guess. And look, this scene serves no goddamn purpose. They're like, oh, we're out of money. How will we make money? Dance rave now the only is nearest I can tell the only reason this scene exists is so that we can see that they made the FBI guy The only well one of the only two black characters the fucking bouncer. Yeah at the rave party, right?

And again somebody comes up and he's like, hey, is this legal? And he's like, yeah, we don't care. It's a church again. Yeah, no, it's Sunday. He was like, it's technically after midnight on Saturday. So all this alcohol we're serving to kids is actually technically legal. Yes.

Yep. You know, it's the most activity that happens over the course of the movie. So like, I'm going to give it a pass on this like, yeah. No, yeah. I think it's great. I think like if more churches would just be dance rave clubs, I think we would be in a better world. That's true. No, you're right. You're right. I want more with that. When they get it right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So now it's time for a montage of more churching. The big evil lawyer guy is secretly a nice guy and he's getting singing lessons.

They bought a ramp for the old lady with a walker that kept telling him that she was fine and didn't need a ramp. And Julie is giving away all her designer clothes voluntarily now. So she'll be naked for the remainder of the film, I guess. I'm on board with that. I mean, hungover sign is like shitty white person parties or shitty. We've given up at this point in the movie. So like fuck it, whatever, like let's do it. Everyone gives way they're closing his naked. Great. Yeah.

Nope. All right. So now Jack tries sermening again. And this sermon is going to be about how relatable the disciples are. He starts doing stick about two minutes into this, and then they're like, yeah, no, we gotta cut this. We gotta cut this, don't linger here. Right, because this is the one where he's going like,

ah, better with the disciples were sitting around there like, oh, like this Judas guy, right? Am I right? What's up with him? Yeah, I don't know. What's up with all these one hour photo booths? And this is also where we're getting clearly Yeah, what's up with all these one hour photo booths? And this is also where we're getting clearly there air quotes when I say character development

of Secret Agent Shack who like is getting into the mood by like now wearing Hawaiian shirts and is like, what new buttoning. Like this is their idea of character development and it's frustrating because this feels like a resolution montage like this whole Helping you know woman get up the stairs thing like we could cut right here and call it a day But there's 30 fucking minutes of this movie left. So oh my god is there yeah, because they suddenly at this moment Remember the plot of the goddamn movie Mm-hmm right they lost track of it for a fucking hour, but then he goes into his office the next day or whatever,

and the news wants to come and cover what they're doing. And he's like, nope, I'm in witness protection. I just remember that's the plot of the movie, so no news stuff. Yeah, and it starts to do this like stick, where he's like running away from the news like Jim Carey style And there's just like they start running together so many plot lines There was a point where we're like atheist guy is tampering with their male and stuff There's just like I just feel like they had like a list of sticks that they still needed to get in and they're like oh shit times

Runnin' out right right only 30 minutes left guys these fucking sticks go and Yeah, right, right. Only 30 minutes left. Guys, get these fucking sticks going. Just, you know, again, I feel like as our podcast, we're really carrying that forward and that the quantity of sticks that we have. Yeah, let me get in my shirt bit where I pull my shirt over my head and you kind of only see a little bit and I do my diving rolls. I do my dive rolls.

That's the thing. So I need to avoid the news. We're keeping this. Yeah. And is the mafia scouring local news in Fresno? Is that an issue? That clearly, clearly they are. I mean, they have alien technology

in terms of shooting people, I assume they have sort of of the things. Right, right, exactly. They're throwing. Oh, just some AI to scour every single news channel that's at the back. The world building is not at the top of this particular movie.

With Tron. With Tron. Yeah. Great writing. All right. So yeah, so they they've got this scene. Like so the news guy show up. They try to run them off. And then in the next scene, they're all sitting around watching the newscast to see how bad it was. And like we basically have the newscast are going like, yeah, it seems like this dude must be in like witness protection or something back to you, Phil. This is not Jack Jacobs. It's Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, he's, here's a side, side by side picture. They look identical, but they're not. We're the news. Yeah. And so the FBI agent now is mad at him, right? He's, because apparently he watches the Fresno local news as well.

And he's like, Jack, you were just on TV. Your cover's blown. You've got to go. So Jack's like, no, no, I don't. I can stay here and you could just endanger more FBI agents in protecting an unwilling and uncooperative witness, right? Right? Sure.

For Jesus, Ripper says you have to give me an army of FBI bodyguards. You've already given me a pile of unmarked bills. Like how much farther? If I just shout ripper at you, would you give me things? Is that how they actually they will. Yeah. All right. So now Mrs. Fogg, that's the evil short hair shrew, um, skecsies. She shows up at it and she's like, Hey, I saw you on the news. And then we decided to for the first time, just discover who you are. And it turns out you don't have a seminary degree. You're not licensed to practice talking about fiction lying behind a podium. We're both people. We're both people of Jesus law.

They say at one point they're like, we can't have a liar at the pulpit. And I'm like, that's really all, that's your only choice. Guys, only, only can have. We are making way more money though with the liar at the pulpit. Yes.

Technically illegal though. It's such a painfully obvious wind up again too. It's like, well, we've got a little bit of movie left and the lawyers are the antagonists. It sure. I should mark. So we're just gonna, you know, it's even worse than watching like a Marvel movie.

Like I feel like a Marvel movie, we get at least predictable banter and a fight scene and there's just no one of that's gonna happen happen here. It's just like this movie definitely needed a fight scene. I mean, the antagonist was the time bar for me. It's just washing it. Angry. The time remaining. Yeah. There was a lot of like, oh god, I've only gone three minutes, but I'm going to get up and I'm going to grab food or I'm going to do something that isn't watching this movie for a lot of breaks.

Yeah. So okay, so they tell them there's going to be a big congregational meeting where they're going to decide whether to fire them or not. So he walks away super sad. He's too sad to high five Danny and he's too sad to fuck his wife and he's too sad to speak loud enough for the goddamn microphones to pick him up. He's like in a pastoral fugue state of sorts like he's muttering near Christianity to himself.

Like who would who'd believe a liar? Hmm. All right. So now he goes to think towards that giant cross and apparently like the filmmakers got well into filming this scene and they're like, oh, we can't even hear his thoughts. We're going to have to have another actor come up and talk to him, huh? So his wife comes up and she's like, hey, is everything okay? And he's like, no, I should probably give up.

Paul, see, is how we're in act three. And I have to reach my lowest point. Yeah. And I have, yeah, dark night of the soul, stick, check. Yeah. But I'm honestly, and like these are my notes. I want to be honest with you. I wrote this in real time.

I honestly surprised the black dude didn't show up to give him magical advice. And then he did. Yes. And then I'd be the wife. But then the black dude pops up out of the pew. So it was a little bit of magic black dude. It was so, it was everything, it was everything for me.

I'm a double atheist now because of this show, but like, great, it's fine. Yeah. I believe in negative one God, go fuck yourself. So now, so now all the ancillary characters come into the room to, you know, to offer him their support, but he admits he doesn't really have a seminary degree and then they're like, you know what, doesn't really have a seminary degree and then they're

like, you know what? Jesus didn't have a seminary degree either. Honestly, if you think about it, there's literally no way to be underqualified for this job. Yeah. No, he had a rabbinical degree. I mean, he was a rabbi. I'm pretty sure. He was, actually. I don't know. I don't know the credit, the accreditation worked at that particular moment. Right. Right. But he was preaching to fuck it. It was from the University of Phoenix. Oh, I don't know. He was preaching to the fucking temples when he was 11 or whatever.

So yeah, a little bit of a pro-Jay, but I'm saying, yeah. Yeah. I mean, Dr. Kvorki and had an MD. It's not all about, no, paper. But it's okay because this dude is the white savior, bro. So he can just go into this spice spice trance Christian fugue state and like come out in the perfect pastor, I guess, or something. All right, so they all try to cheer up.

They don't manage to. He's still sad. He walks off, Julie chases him down, tells him not to give up. And then he suddenly has a revelation. He realizes what the combination on that safe is. But the way they say it, made it sound so dumb. It was like, he's like, I have a revelation. I think I know what it means to be Christian. I'm just like Moses. And I was like, Moses, the Christian. What the fuck are you talking about? But apparently the pastor who died of the heart attack at the very beginning that he took

over from wrote down on a little post it on top of that safe, which probably should have been a clue to you that maybe that was involved in the combination. But it said like Moses, Noah, Fish and Loaves or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. My deep Christian insight is I solved a Resident Evil 1 level puzzle. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. He related to numbers and the numbers are attached to the safe. Oh, it's all coming together now, people. The characters did not solve that puzzle very well though.

They had some trouble. No, once they figured out the fucking key to the thing, they still fucking up. She makes a suggestion. Then he puts in a different number than what she just suggested. Okay. In fairness, her suggestion was 40, 40, 40. And I think the movie was going for that was correct, except we see him putting in eight five again. Eight five was the answer. It turned. It's just eight five. This is why co-op games are the worst. I didn't put it. No, you did it. I sold on my screen. All right. So now they have giant stacks of cash, but guess what they're going to do with it? They're not going to run away with it. They're going to take the money that they just

stole from the federal government and pay off this church's loan. Well, of course, we're first going to do is should we keep it stick because we don't do it. Should we keep it? Well, no, I'm sorry. She, the wife is going to do a, should we keep it stick because women are evil because women be tempted. Am I, am I right people? Women be tempted. Yeah. And, and they're supposed to be this moment where like she's supposed to be greedy because she's having second thoughts about giving all their money to a church that was too damn dumb to make a tax-free production costless business work. And I like that they come, like the moments

where Christianity touches with other parts of reality like they come to the loan officer at the bank and they're like we brought our bag of money to pay off the money loan in your money system many like Totally fine. Let me take your The banker was so confused too. He was just like, you're handing me 75 grand in cash and you don't, you don't want me to smash the church with a wrecking ball. That's what you just said. I just want to be clear. Cool. That's not how it works. Also, you've never told me which particular loan you wanted to pay off.

So I'm just going to go alphabetically. Let me go to the loan page. Tappy, Tappy, Tappy, Tappy, Tappy. He hits the top of the pile of money, Tappy, Tappy, Tappy. You just hit the dollar sign over and over again, 75,000 times. Wait, I'm entering this in. All right. So yeah, now they go back to church penniless and the wife is like, so when are you going to tell everybody in the movie that you paid off the loan at the very end of the movie you think? And he goes, I'm not gonna because I'm Christian now.

I'm humble. Let's talk for another long minute about how humble I am and my humility. I'm humble. So that doesn't mean that we can do community organizing with individuals and help them understand our financial situation and have the progress that we're making as a group. And of course, she's just too bitchy to understand things like humility. Mm-hmm. And we got to do like a like, do you love me?

Let's stay forever together forever, stick as like the solution to, I don't want to have this conversation about the financial situation. Yeah, cuz Jesus. Yeah Just follow my lead. Did you read Timothy? You don't get the math your old woman. Do you have women? Yeah penis equals zero Because I said math. It's like numbering. Is that makes sense? Of course it is. And also, yeah, right. Like he says, just this once, honey, follow my lead. And I'm like, dude, she's in witness protection because of you. Right. Like even in your own fucking move, the whole goddamn inciting incident was her following year to God damn lead. Yeah.

Have a trucking company that was part of a drug cartel that you didn't realize. Yeah. You're an idiot, right? Yeah. Forgive harder. Yeah. So now thankfully we make it to the big finale scene. It's time for the big congregational meeting to determine Jack's fate.

So it starts things off with like Danny Yellen into the P.A. system. Today's going to be sucky and shitty and crappy because this is the end of the movie and I'm upset. Yep. A dude's going to be crucified. Lots of people show up Christianity punchlines. Yeah. That is their religion. You're right. They love to see a show line out the door like a nightclub. Yeah, yeah, right So the evil lady comes up and she's like I'd like to start off by being a bitch and Jackson's well I'm Christian now so I'd like to start with a prayer and they're like damn damn point for him like I Good move, bro I'm not even sure what the conflict is about but but I think a song is going to win it.

I don't know. We set up the thing with the guy singing. I don't get it. Go. Oh no, they're going to fucking sing. That's my notes here. Yep. So the husband of the shrew lady and Kathy, the music lady who isn't a good enough musician

to properly use a cassette tape player are going to sing together. And I will say their duet is lovely. It doesn't rhyme, but it's lovely. This was the high point of the film I thought. I'm mostly confused because like after all the sticks about audio, visual equipment, where is the fucking amplification coming from? Yeah, I want to back row music. microphone. Where are those fucking microphone people? And and by the way, the duet is so lovely that we see the atheist starting to believe in God now. The one Native American tear rolls down the line. Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly. Atheism be corrupted before him. Yeah. All right. So the duet ends and now Mrs. Fog the true lady she's going to address the congregation and she motions that Jackson be fired, but nobody will second her motion except for a cut cosmon who she makes second it. Right.

Yeah, I just want them to like cut ahead to the airbud sequence where they're like, oh, it doesn't matter that he's a dog. He can still be the pastor. It's fine. There's nothing in the rule book. Yeah. I thought everybody's gonna get up on the pews and do the O'Captain, my captain,

and make that exact. I'm like that, or just like, Donna Martin graduates. Nope, that's not an option. I'm sorry, sorry, got swept up. No, but no one said somebody physically throws a book at her. Yep. And I'm like, I wanted it to like,

clock her in the head, and then for her to like, go on Fox and like complain about how Antifa giving her brain bleed. And like, this is cancel culture, run a mock. And that's, they never take the jokes far enough as what I'm saying. Now, or it just like hits her right in the chest, but she's got a Bible in her breast pocket box. The Bible is bent by the other Bible. Yeah. And the room just disappears into nothing in the movies over. Oh, that was awesome. Yeah. But no. So now we have to give some kind of agency to that large black gentleman that's been standing in the background of of every scene. Hey, off. We need pay off, sir. Bring us the pay off.

Yeah. Yeah. So he hears Mrs. Fogg talking about how Jack is should not be the pastor anymore. And he goes off on her and he starts walking up to her as though he's going to physically assault her saying, you know why so many people avoid church today? And I'm like, it's the kid rape. And he's like, it's because of people like you. Like, sure, it was the kid rape or maybe the homophobia or the fact that it's demonstrably false or are we making a list bigotry bigotry bigotry fantasy football bigotry fantasy period. Yeah. I've put up with your kind all my life says the large black person by

which he means the people who don't like music, this is emphasized by him physically threatening this tiny shell of a person. Like, yeah. Yeah. And this is, this is weird because at this point, like, my wife has gotten home from work. Well, I'm trying to make it through the end of this God awful movie. And like, she's already confused from the singing onward. But at this point, where the large black man is physically threatening the tiny white woman as the climax of the movie, she's like, just in slack

jawed horror. And like she doesn't understand what is even happening at this point. It's not like context would have helped, but yeah. No, no, it wouldn't have. All I could say was schtick darling. It's just a stick. I know it doesn't look like schtick. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's confusing because this did include an anti-Semitic slur here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stick him is not the perfect word maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is where he closes his big speech to the Ruth Bader Ginsburg character and he's like, you pretend to be a Christian, but you're just a j-he-call-legalistic Pharisee.

Really? Legalistic Pharisee from New York? Yeah, right. What are those globalistic legalistic- Yeah, exactly, exactly. Pro Israel. Yeah. You look funny. I just want to say that you're funny.

So yeah, and then the black guy gets a clap from the evil gangster character that we've never met in the movie. That's right. They found him that being the bad guys have found Jack. Yeah. The gangster show up to beat up Jesus because that's Christianity. That's very up. And the gangster is like, Hey, you might remember me from the following flashback.

In case we forgot, yes, exactly. And now time for some brazen midday violence in front of a large number of witnesses because that's how Organized crime works, I guess like you want you want to be able to write right? The idea is that then all you guys will have to go into witness protection Then I'll kill all of you and all the people who witnessed that eventually the FBI just gets it's like a DDoS attack in a certain right Like fractals of this just right, like fractals of this just spray out every day. Hands up, hands up killing all the

Christians and like the third episode of this. So that's great in the sense of it. Yeah, it works out. Also, okay, so I love this goddamn moment. There's a kid in the movie that we've never met, right? He's just been in the background a couple

of times. Danny's the youth director, so there has to be a youth there somewhere. Yeah, he's all getting molested by Eli for most of the situation. That's what you get for taking a day off, Eli. So the kid escapes. Now here's the kid's bright idea. He could go to the phone and call 911 or, hey, it's 2016.

Use the phone he's carrying with them to call 911. But instead, he goes up to the big PA that Danny's been doing is good morning Fresno shenan and says, Hey, someone called 911. All of Fresno, one of you. Yeah, exactly. You're not familiar with Kenny, Genevasey is what you're saying. He's not the fusion of responsibility. It's an important ethical problem that he would have learned about if he hadn't been taught Christianity instead of ethics is what I'm saying. And then, okay, correct me if I'm wrong here, but

while all the Christians are fucking around praying that Jesus will save them, the atheist guy comes and knocks the bad guy the fuck out, right? Yep. The atheist is the hero of this movie. Yeah. 100%. Okay, but there's a one city before this that we have to talk about where he like, he has a like Jesus-y, I realize you have no power moment before like the guy gets knocked out. Yeah.

And I just want to highlight this because numerous mass shootings within churches suggest that guns do in fact work inside of churches. Yeah. There's not a shield system. Do not take this as evidence that you can survive bullets inside of churches. Do not take survival advice from a Christian movie. Because this is where Jack, the pastor, is like,

you have no power here. This is a house of God. And then nothing happens. And he's just like, Fuck, I thought I'd ask the spellers. I thought lightning would hit you or something. It's like a Jedi mind trick, but like they steal your robots afterwards.

Like they're like, no, that didn't work. Old person, we're taking your fucking robots, you knew. But. And then I wrote in my notes, I'm like, uh, oh, fight scene, but before I was done with that, it was over. Uh, the police show up, like one second after the kid yells on the PA, I love this moment, because they show like the gangsters henchmen running outside and the cop goes, you're completely surrounded, give up, but they only have the one car. There's the one car, Yeah. But like to be accurate, like it is fair

that it is a white neighborhood apparently except for the people outside of the church. And so obviously they would show up to the white church as fast as possible. I do believe that like they were on the on the on the stick for that one. Yeah. Yeah. So all right. So FBI guy comes in apparently at some point I missed this, but apparently the big black guy got shot. Don't worry. It's just in the chest. He'll be fine. Yeah. Right. It's a wounding so we can make jokes about it. Yeah. It's still stick material is what I'm saying. Nothing, nothing bad enough is going to happen that we can't, we can't make a stick out of it. Even though someone died in this movie

earlier. Yeah, exactly. No, even says, because the guy's holding his chest and he's like, oh, you took a bullet, huh? And he's like, yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine, but we can't we won't be able to save that shirt, huh? I got shot in the chest and I'm already getting, huh? I know that's your favorite mustard yellow shirt. You liked Dwight Shrute. Yeah, no, you liked Dwight Shrute. Do you start to notice that like all of the extras in this movie are starting to get pretty exasperated at this point? Like, they're ready for the end of filming. Yeah, also podcast. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

All right, well, we'll hurry it up. Okay, so Mrs. Fogg, after this all happens, still wants to vote on firing him, but damn it, if her husband doesn't go off on her and make her into the obedient woman, she was meant to be when God designed her, right? Like that is literally that's the big payoff of this is that she finally listens to shut up and do what her husband says. Oh, literally. Yeah. It's like Taming of the shrew. It's just literally Taming of the shrew like we didn't yeah, yeah, absolutely shut your mouth woman Timothy

211 boom end of movie. Yeah. Yeah, the slut got in her lane. Why can't you get in your lane woman Timothy 211. Boom. End of movie. Yeah. Yeah. The slut got in her lane. Why can't you get in your lane woman is what we're saying? Yeah, right. And then of course we obviously we have to see that this atheist is starting to rethink that whole God being dead thing.

He manages to stay atheist, which like is the only miracle of this movie is that like he doesn't convert on the spot. Yeah. When people are not murdered in this church, it's because he's the guy who paid $500 and he was just like, fuck you, I'm gonna say what I want. Oh, you know what? They were like, I bet.

You still atheist, he's like, yeah, I'm a hero. Do you remember from moment ago? Oh my God. Are you still Christian? You tried, I bet. You should do a magic spell and that guy got shot. Are you still Christian? Is a more important show? I think I figured it all out. So what was supposed to happen in the script as he was supposed to say You have no power over me and then like God was supposed to intervene

But the atheist actor that paid $500 was like fuck that with and knock the actor unconscious Just to end that goddamn scene. Oh, I love this thought cannon so much. You're all our heroes have been proving this terrible fucking movie. All right. So now it's time to close off that marriage counseling parenthesis. You remember how we open this with Danny telling the couple about this story. Well, it turns out he's not the marriage counselor at all. He's just the plumber. And now Jack and Julia are there to do the marriage council. Oh, it's Jack Jacobs ladder. His name was Jack Jacobs. But less depressing. Yeah. No, they show up and like they say, they say like, I realized, oh, these poor fucking bastards,

they have to hear this story twice. Like, they're going to tell the same story again. Oh my god. Oh my god. If they showed the entire movie over again, the funniest thing I've ever seen, if they just literally played the movie, that would have been comedic. Oh, my. But again, repeat. Just I want to close on this again by pointing out that this joke doesn't even work, right? Like the Jack and Julie come in and they're like, yeah, we're the real marriage counselors. Let us tell you a little something about ourselves first. And the couple this, there's like, oh, no, this same stupid boring fucking story. Again, the joke only works if we all accept that this was a really boring fucking movie. Yep, and that we are the poor depressed suckers that

are trapped. Yep. Hearing this story. That is who we identify with in this movie. Yep. That's it. Yeah. Yep. All right. So I'm going to be honest here. I'm doing my damnedest to apply a moral to this story other than church is crappy and it's a bad thing. Are there any other ethical takeaways? What do you guys think the moral was? Oh, ah. Well, so the moral that hits close to home for me

is that being a cult leader is easy, it's fun, and it's government sanctioned. So it's also a great way to earn the respect of your loved ones. So highly recommend, check it out and just say, be in a cult leader. Okay. Alright, that's a good one. He's, you should be an atheist. They try so hard to make the atheist male man Malmunga the bad guy and they just could not get it right. And the movie's ending and they're like, way to go Atheist guy, you're the hero. Fuck.

Yeah. Are we out of film now? Damn. I really, the credits on the credits are on. Okay. You and I you and I are totally on the same page. Atheist cult come over. We're going to have some virtual sex. We're doing for an atheist cult thing. It's going to be great. Sweet deal. All right.

Well, Aaron, I'll tell you what you made it across the finish line, but just as we're done with you, doesn't mean that our listeners are. So if you would remind them where they can go to hear some more from you. Yeah, you're going to find my podcasts, philosophers in space with Thomas Smith, where we take, which every person from citation needed has been on at this point, we've run, we've shot the moon on that one. We take science fiction and combine it with philosophy to have a fun time. Super fun show. My other show is Embrace the Void, which is medium fun show.

Also medium fun show. I get together with folks to talk various philosophical topics as a way to cope with living in what I think we can all agree is the worst of all possible timelines. Worst one I can come up with, yeah. I keep rolling ones. This is crazy. It's like Rosencrantz and Gilden's turn, but the really bad version. Ed, really?

Ed, again, this is impossible. All right, well, that's gonna do a far of review of can I get a witness protection, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to apply for this ointment again next week. So Heath, tell us what's on deck. All right, well, this week coming up is gonna mark the start of the Halloween spooktacular thing that you like.

I love so much. So we're going to be reviewing the devil within her. That sounds sexy as fuck spooktacular. All right. I wrote scare tagular because I just I wanted you to say that and piss Eli off. You said spooktacular is going to be super happy. He's going to come all over himself when he hears that part. So, all right. So with the spooktacular, we'll look forward to we're going to bring up episode two 15 to a merciful close. Once again,

a huge thanks to Aaron for suffering alongside us this week. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation of patreon.com slash god off on there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show in only a very social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating a the excitation aided in the skeptic right available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts

live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com, link and services for this podcast. Brought a bit of law off. This is a P.N. Druttaurus. Tim Robbins and Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and Viva Drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was Viva Drafts. On Mars, all of the music was written and performed

by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkham, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Ryan Neely, Bob Znik, I'm no illusions from his to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Hi, maintenance wife.

Finally got that man Dingo Threesome. There was no question you was after that throughout. Danny eventually gave Paul Giamatti his skin back. This movie went on to get 70% 5 star reviews on Amazon. Really? And it would have been higher if a crazy person who purchased the DVD of this movie in 2018 Didn't give the following review Ready the DVD won't play on my DVD Player that is only three years old one star Possibly my favorite.

Great movie, but I can't make fucking zone. I can't find the zone three. I can't make the pictures go. I'm hitting the track and button and the DVD. I jammed it into the thing and it didn't really fit But I'm hitting tracking and I hear it shattering I put a Nintendo cartridge in there won't play one star That that entire skit was written just so that I could have, um, yes, I'll have a mug in there. One mug, sir. Oh, I don't know if you've listened to enough of our shows to have heard that,

Aaron, but that is like a concert, like they'll always be having like a beer on the rocks, like they have no idea how alcohol works. Yeah, yeah, shouldn't three tankers of cabinet. One snifter of intoxicant, please. You're welcome. Healthy or brushing habits? Sorry, yeah, you can give me a little sec. Okay. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019. All rights reserved.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.