God Awful Movies - 217: Along Came the Devil

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

This week, guest masochist Rebecca Vigil joins us to help give the devil some weight management tips. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Right, she brings a cardboard box marked popcorn. She just ran over to the concession stand in her kitchen. She comes back and there's this tiny thin little layer of popcorn in the bottom of it. Yeah, it's the classic example of the ninth tank and props won't refill the bucket. Yeah. Let's all drive to the lobby. Oh, the devil comes dancing through doing that. That would be best. God awful movie.

Movie. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Halloween Spooktacular. Yeah. Again with this fucking tacklers. Yeah. All right. All right. We're now recording this way in advance. So we're actually doing this in like August. So this will be the second week of the Spooktacular, I guess. I am also joining us this week returning gas massacres to comedian and improv artist Rebecca vigil Rebecca welcome back. Uh, thank you for having me. I'm glad to be back.

Are you really though? Cause like you know what you get into at this point. No, no, I hate this. I hate every minute. Oh, we got a good one for you today though. So, uh, so tell us Rebecca, what will we be breaking down today? We watched along came the devil, which is a scary family drama made by white pedophile. Sure. There will be so many moments of child sexualization for no reason that never lead to anything

in this movie. It's Jeffrey Epstein co-producer. I'm talking the devil, ladies and gentlemen. And they're all blonde. They're all blonde. They're all blonde. They're all blonde. Yeah.

Box news. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Epstein has a type, apparently, and Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the exorcist, but you're tired of those unrealistic, demonic body standards, you will love this movie. I'm going to talk about the single greatest thing about this movie in a moment, but it's so wonderful.

It's so wonderful. I don't want to spoil it. All right. Well, let's not make anybody wait there any longer than they have to. We'll cut straight to it. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Best worst ham-fisted use of every horror movie trope. Oh, thank you. It's like they had a checklist of all horror movie tropes and they just like randomly disperse them throughout

the script. Yeah, I figured somebody went to like all the horror movie storyboards of all time and says, if it shows up in more than three, I wanted it in my fucking movie, just line them up together and that's our script. Yes. And without any sense to it, whatsoever. Right. Right. Yeah.

Nothing ever goes anywhere. There's never any reason for that thing to have been in the mirror or anything. Right. That thing to have walked in front of the or that thing to have fallen out. Yeah, every goddamn. What woods just walked into woods? No goddamn reason. I'm phrased. I guess I'll walk into these dark woods alone.

That'll help. All right. So I was going to go with best worst who and where the fuck are these people? Okay, so there's an early on transition, so the movie starts off with a, you know, 10 years ago flashback or whatever of a young girl with her older daughter. And then it cuts to 10 years later and we have an older girl and an older woman. And they're not the same people exactly, right? Like, so why do that to us?

Why like leave us all going, okay, but who the fuck is who? And at the very least, like a better writer would automatically recognize that as a problem and have them use each other's names over and over again in this opening scene, right? Yeah. And at least talk about where they are and why they're there. But no, not this stupid fucking movie. It's left to me to go back in my notes and go, oh, that's Antonia. Oh, okay.

I see. Yeah, I don't think they read the script after they wrote it. Right. Yes. They just wrote it. Hurry, make it quick. We can't read back through this guys. We're out of coke.

And Eli, I have a feeling I know what your best worst is going to be. See now I was going to go with best worst devil, but that gets into the surprise in my favorite part of the movie. So I'm going to switch to the last minute and I'm going to go with best worst twist ending. Okay. I'm not going to spoil it, but the ending of this movie not only negates the entire movie, it negates like movie dumb itself. We'll get to it with the ending of this movie, which it wants you to be like, oh, the

whole time. If you think about it at all, makes everything that happens leading up to it, silly and ridiculous. Yep, yep. Asilly and ridiculous. Yep. Yep. As if it already wasn't. Yeah, right. Silly or and more ridiculous somehow. Yeah.

All right. Well, tell you what, we've got a lot of rooms to walk slowly through in the near dark on the other side of the break. So we're going to keep things brief. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the near porn that is, along came the devil. Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Possession 101. I'm Balthazar, the forbidden one who knows the reign of the blood.

But please just call me Balthazar. Mr. the forbidden one who knows the reign of the blood plus my father. Okay, so today, we're gonna be learning the very first step in possession, sneaking behind people. Now, when you first approach your victim, the best way to get into their body is to sort of,

you know, follow them around, and then like, you'll be in the mirrors and stuff when they look at them, and you can just, I'm sorry, yes, question. Sorry. How does that help us possess people? Oh. well, okay, so you know, they're like, they'll be walking around their house and then they look out a window and then just barely in the reflection, you're right behind them. Oh, sorry, sorry, we get what you do. How does

that help us actually enter their body and damn their souls that I think that's the question well uh... you know it's it's spooky it's uh... spooky guy okay yeah what if we sent them hate mail don't get ahead of me okay and we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a bible quote Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is like, it starts off with a quote from a book that people will say is true with straight faces that paraphrases to the world is filled with shape shifting monsters good luck. Question, will this ever have anything to do with anything that happens in the movie? No, am I crazy? Okay, no. No.

No. It was just the first Bible quote they could find with word demon in it. And now we get the exposition novel screen. Oh my God. We get a wall of text that is written like CS Lewis would be like, all right, I have no idea what you're talking about, man. Please just make this. It's hoops are knowing of their father whose sister is in the left side of it's a word puzzle. Damn it. Based on true events. Oh right. Right. No, that flash

is on under the fucking the title real quick and then disappears like they were hoping we wouldn't notice. But we should. The Bible isn't even based on true events. Yeah, right. And it's pretty important we keep in mind that this thing is supposed to be based on true events throughout this move. Yeah. That doesn't mean. All right, so let me see what I can do about breaking down that gigantic five paragraphs

of exposition. This thing tries to introduce us into to five characters only two of them will matter, right? Okay. So it introduces us to Sarah who is dead before the movie starts. Ashley, who is the main character, Jordan, who is Ashley's sister, who will never appear in the movie. Right? Like she's in that opening scene and like 10 years ago, young Jordan or whatever, but then she will never show up again. Tanya, the other character will need to know and an unnamed abusive dead, all five of those in the fucking exposition screen thing. Yeah.

And then we open on what I thought was the sounds of squirrels fucking in a closet. But no, it's it's children giggling for about a minute of panic. Yes. So creepy. The pedophile shit begins, honestly. Yeah, right away. You know, I want my movie to start with two little girls in a closet. What?

Totally close to each other's faces. Yeah. Yeah, so I guess older sister is telling younger sister about how awesome mom was before she died. Well, she tells her that she wore a blue dress and the same necklace every day. Yeah. She's like, yeah, she smelled pretty dead.

I'm not gonna talk. I'm not gonna lie to you. Sarah Havisham was her name actually. Yeah, well, and then abusive dad storms in to begin his accent tour of the British island. Right. He starts off Irish because he's drunk. He ends up like a, like somewhere in London, I think ends at a Pennsylvania coal miner

experience thing. But basically, he wants them to stay in their closet so that he can have sex with a lady. I cannot emphasize strongly enough, this will never have anything to do with the rest of the movie. The movie makers just wanted to be like, and then he fucks in front of his kids.

And he just did a kid about 12 minutes of this movie to fucking in front of your kids. Oh my God. It It's wild because they're out the rest of the movie. I was trying to make sense of why it opened Yes, right. Why did we need any of this information? But yeah, dad's abusive. He's locking his daughters in the closet so he can bang some girl in the bedroom that they're in the closet off, right? Yeah. And it just like continues the sexualizing women for no apparent reason, like that showing this other woman that he's about to have sex with, like her ass and like, this side boom.

Yeah. It's so weird. Yeah. No, it's just preparing you for the themes of the film, I think. Yeah. We're going to get some side boob. There's going to be some child abuse. You're going to be scared buckle in everybody.

We're making it to Hulu. I'm so hard. All right. So then late that night, Jordan, the older sister, awakens to a demonic voice calling to her, right? So she wakes up and Ashley, her younger sister, isn't in the punishment closet anymore. So she's just like wander out against dad's wishes out of the closet and into the room to go get her daughter.

And that's when fuck buddy lady sees the two daughters and Has an entirely reasonable reaction. Yeah Yeah, okay. Yes her reaction is oh my god You had daughters in the closet while we were having sex that's pretty fucked up and she leaves But I couldn't get over the fact that before that we were supposed to believe that she was What sleeping in that bra and panties like a nice comfortable bra sleep really that was your sleeping gear there and she had to put it back on yeah Want to go to the bathroom in decent here Corset in these garters so I can go take a midnight dump sitting these garters so I can go take a midnight dump. Yeah, but of course we obviously had to go with that

because otherwise she'd just be in a t-shirt or something normal. Right. Or naked. Yeah, right, right, right, yeah, in the real world. Yeah, but okay, yeah, so she storms off and that means that the children must be beaten. Because I'm drunk.

Yeah, exactly. End of scene, end of plot line. Yep. Yeah, really? None of that will ever factor back into the film in any way. Yeah. So now we cut to 10 years later. And second movie later.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly 10 years and one film later. Because again, we are now coming to one of the characters who will not be named until another scene and an entirely different character who was not mentioned. Yeah. Right. Okay. So we'll fill you in.

You know, we'll do you more favors than the filmmakers did us. This is Ashley, the younger of the two daughters, her older sister is off to college. We'll never appear in the film. And she is now living with her aunt, Tanya, those are the two characters. Okay. And this is how clumsily they open the dialogue.

Hey, you didn't sleep in your bed last night. Is something wrong? And she goes, oh, you know, it was shaking. And there are no follow-up questions. No. Tanya's like, yeah, no, beds will do that. They just shake you in the middle of the night. Yeah, the damn sleep number. Did you put a quarter in it? If you put a quarter in the month, I could only go for like 10 minutes.

No. Yeah. And it's okay. So Anttanya is trying to talk Ashley and to go in a church with her, but Ashley has better things to do, like staple things to your face, like anything would be better. Really. Yeah, I wrote in my notes here, you wanna come to church? Sure, you wanna get eaten by a demon.

Okay, yeah, no, whatever, it's up to you. Oh, yeah. And okay, so, so Tanya leaves to go to church, and then Ashley makes tea We're gonna watch the whole making of the tea Making process you know these director sat around and they were like guys water takes 10 to 12 minutes to boil I will not have any Short cuts and it's right

This is also the first like how to pop scares work moment in the movie where we watch her leave the room and then a picture falls over and then she picks it up, brings another picture to replace it and the soundtrack and the camera are sure it's terrifying, but I was just like, yep, stuff falls. Yeah, T gets made. Yeah, Yeah. So we watched this incredibly long, like following our around waiting for the pop scary when the pop scare comes. It literally is. No, I guess that picture fell down. Yeah.

That's the whole thing. And then, okay, but we see your go upstairs to check out a sounder, whatever. And then the camera pans down to a broken picture frame and it's like, yeah, no, we know. Right? We heard the glass breaking. We figured it was a picture. Yeah, the whole house shakes all the time. That's what we've got. Right. In a house with a bed shakes, how could the pictures be safe? Yes. Right. Exactly. One it's so badly for it to pan over. and it's just like the devil in a moving outfit with a play class window. Oh, I'm going to get in so much trouble. Please don't tell my super

all right. So now we cut over to church where pastor boy band is talking about Jesus. Okay. Jesus. I have a very, very important question about the set up here because there is the preacher. There's the bishop guy on his right. And then there's just another fucking guy on his left who's dressed like Casual fucking Friday. What is that guy? Who is he? Senate pro tempore. I don't know. I don't know how any of this works. I don't know. I don't, I don't know how any of this works. But, but this young preacher is the, is the new priest that's taken over for the old Reverend that's about to retire. You know, he's the sergeant, Murtaugh to the new preacher's, the young preacher's rigs, I guess. So we have a little piece of his sermon, then they go to the old reverence officer, whatever, where they have a hey, don't don't read my demonology books motherfucker.

Don't those are my that's my stuff. It's demonology small talk. He's like, so are you into demons? With a demon face. Also, why does he dress like a hitman? I guess the black time that will never come back. So weird. Yeah, let's let's let's dig into why Catholic religious figures are dressed like that.

Holy shit. Right. That could be its own show right there. Yeah. But yes, um, young preacher is reading old preacher's exorcism books. Old preacher freaks out, goes over their pisses on them like a cat. You know, I'm just put it back. That's not that's for the third act motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. You're rushing the story. We don't have that much. So we had to put that weird kid fucking scene in the beginning. One to make that sweet, sweet hour and 20 minutes.

Yeah, we've got three more scenes of tea. We got. All right. So now we cut over to Ashley. She's okay. Again, none of this is explained. Apparently Ashley and her sister moved away from this town at some point for an extended period.

And now she's back. Now that Jordan is in college or whatever, she's back to live in the town she grew up in. So she rides her bike over to see the old house that her and her sister got locked up in the punishment closet of. Right. house that her and her sister got locked up in the punishment closet of. Right, but because we never got an external shot of this house, what we the viewers see is a character who we barely know and barely understand who she is going to like the world's second saddest open house and wander around the same minute. Well, you can tell this guy bought a house in Jersey. This is the

second set of Steve. I'm just saying, I hate it when you get to the open house before the real estate agent gets there. I've been there. I've been there. This is by far not the scariest open house I've been to. I'll just say that right now. I wish a demon would have snuck behind me in some of open house this island. All right, so now it's time for the first of, I believe 11 scenes in which Ashley's gonna walk around looking for a pop scare and not find one. Yep.

Yep. I mean, we have like evil shadows moving by a thing falls down and makes a noise or whatever. Yeah, I just would like go boo at this grade. Just to help her out. Well, you can tell they want to do horror movie here, right? Right. Yes, it looks like they are, they had just like we discussed in the beginning, they had

just watched a bunch of trailers for movies. And we're like, that's gotta go in. Right. But why would it go in, sir? Why? It doesn't matter. Put it in. But that fucking house shook.

We don't know. Yeah, at this point in my notes, I had to write, oh, that's Ashley. All white girls looked the same to me, apparently. Yeah. And now we're gonna same to me, apparently. Yeah. Now we're gonna meet another character. This is Hannah. Hannah, apparently, was Ashley's friend

when she was a little girl that lives nearby and hasn't seen her in forever. And now Hannah wanders in and she's like, Ashley, we're friends now. Yeah. Literally, she introduces herself by saying, you don't remember me, do you? Well, I don't remember you either.

She's wrote in my notes, could someone tell me who the fuck you all are? Who do a mixer with name tags or something, please? It could someone tell them? Who they don't have? Yeah, right. But we also like this is the brunette. Oh yeah, right.

She's the brunette white girl. So you know she's gonna be into some demonic shit. Yeah. And she totally is. That's the next scene right. So they go over to like to Hannah's house, Ashley walks into her bedroom and she goes, wow, it's a lot of fucked up demon shit you got on your walls. And she goes out. I love this so much. She goes, Yeah, I'm really an amormonism right now How do you feel about underwear over your underwear? You're into it. Okay cool. Yeah, we're gonna have a lot in common It's gonna be a great friendship In fact she says Mormons might be weird, but they're on to something. Oh my god

Which is where the weird ones. Yeah, said the Catholic. Yeah. Right, but that's the thing though, right? That's what's so amazing about this movie is it was written by Catholics and they're like, who's weird and into demons, Mormons? That's like Satanism in this.

Wow. And then in this really weird meta moment because this movie will blatantly rip off the exorcist, Hannah says, have you seen the exorcist? It's a great movie. What you get in it? Like, kind of makes sense in is a metamoment in a horror movie that isn't going to literally line for line rip off the exorcist later.

Yeah. Like, I wanted the priest later in the movie to be like, ha, ha, ha, like the exorcist. I got it. That's good. Okay. I saw that movie. Yeah, ha, like the actresses. I got it. That's good. Okay. I saw that movie. Yeah, that's why she mentioned it. I get it.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, okay, so they talk a little bit about, you know, she's like, well, you know, if you ever get possessed by a demon in act two, you want to be prepared and, you know, apropos, nothing. Also, you remember that nerdy kid that had a crush on you? He's super hot. He should be your love interest from this point on in the film.

I think we'll use him for exactly one act and then he'll disappear and never come back. Oh, okay, cool. Disappear and never come back. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so now we cut to Tanya, the aunt coming home and she sees like the pictures are all out of whack and there's a Bible on the floor like demons have been about Damn this shaky house And again she reacts to this not she looks at it like that's the weird way for Ashley to replace the pictures I'll tell you don't have to break them when you don't like them It's not like a fireman thing It was like this character doesn't react to anything really. No.

It later maybe, but it takes a lot for the react. Like I wrote in the notes like picture broken, check, all Bible, check, like, everything's just where I left it. Yeah. It's exactly as it's supposed to be. All right, so then Ashley comes home with her new friend Hannah. A brunette. Yes.

And she tells Antonia that they're going to go hang out with a couple of boys at the dock and Tony is like, all right, sounds like fun. Bring protection. Don't be too late at the sex party, all right? Remember, look, you know, you can always cheat in a bowl party. Look to see what the general location, someone's put their keys. You don't have to just settle for whoever you're ball. Pick the most expensive looking car. There's a Jaguar in there. You pick the Jaguar

key. That's easy. All right. So then, okay. So Ashley and Hannah are going to go out to this dock and hang out with some of the bad boys, but to get there You have to go through the creepy forest, right? Because you know how Very often destinations have spooky woods between you and them. It's like that Yeah, I have to go through a creepy forest when I go to Dwayne Reed. Yeah Yeah, I have to go through a creepy forest when I go to Dwayne Reed. Yeah. Right. Right now I got real pain.

Oh, man. Just one of those nice cookie boxes. It's fine. It's fine. It's not good. Also, this is where we were introduced to our first African American character. And I should point out only African American character who, in the middle, there's another one later, but they don't show their face.

Oh, yes, they exist. Yeah. So our only face American African American character who introduces himself immediately as big Bryce. Yo, yo, yo. Yeah. Let us go like flip a chair. Well, right, honestly, like, come on, we know Christian writers, the fact that he wasn't

T money is pretty much a snap up. Exactly. Yeah. So Hannah takes Ashley out to meet, takes her to a fucking Senka commercial or something. Here's my group of hot, racially mixed, photogenic friends. Yeah, exactly. This is our college catalog. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and she's like, and here's your love interest, Sean. Yeah, it's so so clumsily. Hello, it's been a while. I we have a connection. We have almost nine people at this party. And another conversation that starts with, do you remember me?

Yeah, right. Nope. Well, and then she like she started. This is so good because it's an awkward conversation, but the writers and actors aren't smart enough to realize that because she's like, yeah, I remember you. How's your little turtle? And he's like, oh, dead, man,

because that was like, like 10 years ago, like you think I'm still gonna have that fucking turtle? Myrtle the turtle. I just wrote in my notes. This is where I killed myself. Sorry guys, can't do anything for you. Oh well, now we're going to get to the point where I killed myself because that night they decided to play with an EVP app. Okay. First of all, it's not at any way close to EVP. It is a radar.

It is. That beeps. Yeah. That's not EVP. You see a little ghost. EVP. Yeah, look at that. Approaching from the north side, captain,

they throw up a turban at it. So yeah, but while they're playing with the EVP app, I guess Ashley, here's a demonic voice calling her name and she sees some momish demonish stuff and she screams. Yes. Party fell. Yeah, right. And this is the point, the first amazing horror movie decision, where she's like, you know what, I'm very scared. I want to wander back into those dark woods alone by myself.

Also, Bryce is my hero in this moment. So they're all like, they're all like, ah, why do you scream like that blah blah blah? And then she gets up and wanders into the woods and they're like, Bryce and Bryce is exact. Line is quote, she screaming, we're trying to have a nice quiet evening. Bitches be craze. So yeah, so she gets super scared and she wanders off into the woods where she starts hearing like noises and demon, but like this shit that they heard in the horror movie previews. Yes, exactly. And then a bad Halloween store employee is behind her. demon, but like this shit that they heard in the horror movie previews. Yes, exactly.

And then a bad Halloween store employee is behind her. And then oh, and then she goes to run away. She gets really scared and she goes to run away, but she has to fall down. Yep. Of course. Because otherwise there would be a horror movie trope left unturned. Yeah. They probably took it back. I need you to really need you to fall there.

You can only fall in this movie. And then okay, so but then this scene ends with like that silly ass looking green bark monster behind things. Yeah, yeah, like not scary farm. Do you guys want a candy apple? No, man, come on. Can I just tell you your tool to work here? Please don't tell me I'm too old to work here. I really wait for this all year.

I know you do. All right. So now we cut back home. Antonia's doing dishes and she goes to check on Ashley. Ashley's in the bathtub because otherwise she'd have clothes on. Just having a candle bath like you do after a hard day you light several dozen candles and have a nice bubble bath.

Yes, it's self care. Yeah, you're right. You scream blood into the top and everything. No, I just I've always amazed by how many candles movie makers think that human beings are willing to light for ambiance, right? Like whenever like you see a sex scene and there's like suddenly 400 candles lit, like, who the fuck stopped and lit 400 candles during four play? Do you know how long that would. I mean, you guys have to know how long it would take because you actually lit

those scandals to make this scene happen. You had 11 guys doing that shit. Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't film her. Each of these candles. Well, she makes tea. Yeah, exactly. And then again, we get three useless horror movie tropes, the scary hands grab her out of the bath, the screaming blood and the twizz a dream trope, all of which will never matter to the movie. No. No. No. Okay. And then we have the scene where like, Anttanyan, her have the like, Ant niece chat about her mom or whatever and about Jesus and the importance of being a Christian, which was really fucked up for me because it was at this point that I recognized Antonia

as the actress that fucked the stuff bear in Ted. Oh! Right, so I'm being preached the gospel by the chick that fucked this stuff bear in Ted. There was just something weird about that for me. Make that up for her. I'm proud of her. She moved.

The actress was in Ted and had sex with Ted. Yeah, she was Ted's love interest. God, she is horrible taste. Yeah. Yeah. And I want to give Ashley credit here because she's like, you know, God never gives this more than we can handle. And Ashley's like, yeah, well, you know,

God gave me an abusive dad who had sex in front of me. So maybe, and maybe, the mom, maybe you don't say that, right? Because what he gave you was that time you got in a bike accident, right? Yeah. And the horrible shame of your role in Ted, yeah. Right.

He gave you a bad agent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And give it her acting skills. The fact that she's in a movie at all. She's got a hell of an agent. Awful. That was my other worst was Actress. Oh my gosh. Oh, she was bad. Yes. All right. So late that night we watched Ashley P I so thank you. So uncomfortable.

Because again, when we have Rebecca on our show, I'm always a little bit hyper aware of like, because me and Rebecca don't talk a lot, so I'm always just like, what did I ask Rebecca to watch? And I'm just picturing her at home, and she's like, oh, cool. They invited me to watch a teenage girl pee. That's fun. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you for teenage girl pee. That's fun. Yeah.

Yeah. So thank you for having me on the child porn honor. Yeah, I hear right exactly. Oh, Jesus, and then of course we get another useless meaningless, or two or three useless meaningless horror movie trucks, right? We have the shadowy thing that walks in front of the camera suddenly. And it's clearly just Dave walking by in his trench shoulder.

Also, just want to point this out, her half wipe is not at all sanitary. I get why they didn't have this girl thoroughly wipe, but if you're going to show us someone peeing, maybe don't have them like wave a piece of toilet paper at their genitals and then immediately stand up. Yeah. That'll get you an infection way worse than a demon. That's all I'm saying. That's probably where the demon got in.

Probably to back. All right. So, yeah, but so she, like she leaves the bathroom and then she just go to back and turn the light out and then she leaves and the light comes back on and there's a demon shadow or something like a silhouette it in there or whatever. Oh, if she had turned the corner when the light turned back on and ghost mom was in there taking a shit, I would have bought every copy of this movie and exist just like, ah, come on. I got to stop making casserole so late at night. But of course, our hero doesn't notice any of this shit, which started making me think

that like ghost mom is like desperately trying to get seen and she's just always like, no, don't, don't turn around. I just made a fucking noise. Yeah, she just desperate for her scare. Yeah. Come on, mom. I walked right in front of the camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah, she just desperate for a scare. Come on, mom. I walked right in front of the camera. I was promised I was the ghost in this movie.

Be like I'm being etched out. And then and then we get the shaky bed scene, right? Like she goes back to bed and the bed shakes. It's like, yeah, it's, it's demon possession there. I guess. All right. So now we're going to ramp up the pedophile shit here because the next morning we cut to pass your boy band,

taking, like, he's got the super zoom on his lens, taking super close-up pictures of Ashley as she rides her bike to the candy store. And it will never, ever come back. They will never explain why he'd be doing this other than he's a pedophile. Exactly. Also, what goddamn decade is this filmmaker from where they have the kids showing up at the candy store with its kindly old candy

proprietor. What the fuck is this shit? Well, and again, because it's set in modernity, like when you actually get inside the candy shop, it's the saddest half set you've ever seen. They've just got like three mixing bowls with loose fruddies in her, but he's like, we can make the sunshine. Oh my God. So worse will he won't go all the time? So yeah, it's nowhere near as scary, nowhere near as many pop scares. Nope. So yeah, so Ashley's there to browse the candy.

She doesn't buy anything, right? She's just there to browse. I guess see if the lemon heads are in season. And then the pastor comes in to stalk and flirt with her. Yep. I mean, it's so uncomfortable. And again, that will never pay off. They are not a love interest.

Nothing like that ever happens. It is just a moment where it's like, huh? They all want to fuck this pastor. I guess. Yeah, I have no idea what they were even going for in this scene. You know, he's like, Hey, you know, your aunt told me all about you. You're even hotter than she described. Anyway, you'll come to church. Come to church. I have a youth group. They let me around the youth group. They haven't seen my photography yet, I guess. And again, the movie wants us to be like, man, Ashley's being weird. He followed a child into a candy store.

And in the age of cell phone, see with a giant camera. Yeah. Well, and speaking of shit, that never matters. The camera becomes the conversation piece, right? Because apparently Ashley's really into photography and she knows that camera, it's a good camera but he didn't say this such and such lens and he's like, oh, well, you should take pictures

of church events with me. And she's like, oh, okay. And then he's like, will this conversation ever have anything to do with anything else in the plot? And she's like, nope, bye. Bye. Hi. She's then fucking Hannah comes in and past your John Flurts with her too. Yep.

He just flirts with everybody. I reckon he got fired from his CW show, which is a shame because he was the baddest ass vampire of all of them. Yeah. Yeah shirtless priest vampire hunter. It was only two episodes, but it was really good. It was all gonna come together in season four. Got to. So. All right. So then, okay. Now Ashley and Hannah have to have that awkward. Come. You

know how like you go to a party with somebody and you get shit faced. And it is some shit that you kind of would rather nobody knew about, but you have to talk to the people the next day. They have that conversation except about her weird demon moment the night before. Hey, look, nobody cares that you shit your pants and saw your dead mom. That's not. He also really like you. We're not doing those parties anymore, though. So don't like come by, Aaron.

Yeah, you kind of ruined the night for Bryce. Yeah. And then, by the way, the fucking love interest drives up reminds us that he's a shitty person and then drives away. I mean, reminds us that he is a proud boy. Yeah, right. Like, this is like the most racist truck with the most racist looking people in it as wild. Yeah, no, it was just missing a fucking gun rack

and a Confederate flag and it would have sent light in in my neighborhood. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, he's gonna jump the general Lee over the girls and invite him to the skip and dance. Exactly. Well, she'll sure be dressed for that later. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, Nazis. and dance. Exactly. Well, she'll sure be dressed for that later. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, not C's.

Well, yeah. And they, so they drive up the neg these two girls and drive away. And then Shane or Sean or whatever his name is, sends a text to Ashley saying, hey, you're my pre ordained love interest. See you soon. And now, correct me if I'm wrong. We're going to skip a pop scare scene.

Yep, we're not going to see her seeing a demon in school. We're going to hear about her here seeing a demon in school. Yeah, right. This is the old adage, the old writer's adage. Don't tell me or show me. What? Yeah, so we immediately cut from that to very quickly, Antonia getting a call at her, you know, whatever refrigerator art shop, right? And then we cut

to Hannah going like, has anyone seen actually something very interesting happened to her off camera today. Let me tell you, did you see your dead mom again? She's like, yeah, but the SFX budget guys told me to fuck my son. So it turns out that mask looks really bad when you're not in the woods at night. It's even worse. And I love fucking shame. Shane is still trying to get laid, right? Hannah comes in and she's like, Hey, Ashley, you know, you freaked out there. Are you having some kind of mental

break or something or there's something wrong? Is there something I can help you with? And Shane's like, I'll give you a ride home. I love silent torture. Yeah. Yeah. And so she's going to write home, she's going to get him right home. But Hannah says, Hey, look, I'll come by later. I know a demonic haunting when I see one, dammit. We established earlier than I'm in demormon. So yeah. Yeah. But I'm the Burnett.

I know these things. Yeah. Right. Right. Of course. So she these things. Yeah. Right. Right. Of course. So she catches her right home with Shane and she's like, we have this movie is so fucking stupid. We have this long bit about how she's not taking Antonia's calls.

We watch Antonia try to call her several times, but the very next scene is her calling Antonia to tell her everything's fine. Okay. So now we're back at the house. It's time for Ashley to wander around trying to find the source of that creepy noise again, I guess. Just wandering around her house, yelling hello. Like you do when you hear noises in the middle of your horror movie. Damn it, I said hello. What I love is that once isn't enough for her, right?

She's gotta say that like five different times. She's like, I guess, uh, Ali-Aliox and Freyfuck. Um, ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, but then she's wandering around looking for creepy shit. We're getting one horror movie trope after the other behind her. And then Hannah shows up and scares her and goes boo. Hi, hey, dude, I just thought I'd show up at your house. Yeah, I break in and then walk upstairs

and yeah, into the dark room that you're looking through. Why doesn't she turn on lights when she comes into the room? I don't understand anyway, yeah. Yeah, and then Hannah goes, Hey, wait a minute. Is that a Bible right there? We're going to need this or it won't count for God awful movies. We'd have to be on a different, yeah, how to just get made or something. And this is where we get the thing that makes this movie amazing. The my body type devil heavy breathing in the corner in the resilience possible image like a fucking half from these girls. Yeah dad bought devil. Yeah you got to wonder what

that decision was like in hell. And so I said torture your own people. Good for you, good for you. Right, right, but then these like, what does it matter? What a jerk. Minions, minions come to me. Yes, Lord Satan. Witness the new form I will use to take another soul. Oh, oh, is that it? so

Is that it? Yes, none Nunchelle stand against sorry. Yes, I don't know. I just how do I say this it's kind of Dad Bob Dad Bob. Yeah, exactly In in like a scary way you think That's exactly. In like a scary way, you think? Eh. I mean, it's kind of scary.

Well, I mean, I'm worried you need to be on Limpitor's Scary. Yeah. Yeah, like Life Directing. It'll be fine though, right? Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Ooh.

Okay, that makes sense. Right? Uh, sure. Yeah, name. It was a hole. It's like, I don't think I shit myself, but I'm gonna go into the bathroom and wipe when we're done. So yeah. It could be that too. I don't really wipe. I don't spend more than a quarter of a second. So. All right. So now Hannah and Ashleyor here to do some spirit bullshit. They're gonna reach out to the spirit world to talk to her mom and I love okay They're like doing away with all the accoutrements and and nonsense. They're like no No, you literally you just light a couple candles and talk into a mirror trust me That's all it takes. This is a horror movie in the real world

Yeah, you'd have to light some heat up to do it in in Can they don't fucking worry about it. We're just gonna talk into the mirror. Mirrors are basically demon collar ID, don't worry. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a demon face time. And then so she's like, what's your mom's name? And she says Sarah. And it's like, oh, yeah, we'll just ask for Sarah in the afterlife. I'm sure she's the only one. Yeah, her hands with a new name like that. The only dead Sarah.

Yeah, so I also love how formally Hannah is requesting this parlay. She's like, excuse me, I'd like to schedule an appointment for a demon conversation between Sarah and her daughter, any chance of, uh, hey, you just, you call me back and let me know what time works for you then. And of course, while we're, while she's doing all this, we're hearing and seeing like creepy, poor movie tropes that have nothing to do with the fucking movie. It's cold. Yeah. Oh, right, right. Yeah, because the devil's here. That's no iskets so cold. You know, and I associate with the devil coldness. Yeah, exactly. Well, no, because that was a trope they used in six cents. So we have to

use that here, goddammit. Yep. And then, okay, and then we get that moment where the devil's behind him in the mirror. Yep. And there's this moment of like, was that, is that your mom? You didn't mention your mom's, um, giant devil. And hey, credit to Hannah here. She avoids the horror movie trope. The moment she sees the devil, she's like, cool, gotta go by Fucking out Okay, you make a lot more sense now. Yeah, I get it And again actually acts like she's upset because she like party-failed in front of a popular girl Like I wanted to see her crying to Antonia. I summoned the devil in front of the coolest girl in school If I had a nickel. Yeah.

All right. So then so Antonia comes home just as Hannah's leaving and Antonia is like, wow, she left like you guys had been summoning the devil in here right before I showed up. And okay. So there's this great moment where the two of them are arguing, right? Because like Ashley had this moment in school and then didn't take Antonia's calls for a while or whatever. And Ashley is way too early on all of her lines in this dialogue. She's like, you know, trying to cut Tony off, but she's like six words too early for it to make sense every time. And Tony is

not a good enough actor to roll with it. So she just keeps going with her line after Ashley's in her office. Like this, Tony's acting would distract you from a porn, right? Yes. Well, and this is a porn. So it's a, it's a porn. Yeah. So yeah, but ultimately this ends with Antonia and Ashley deciding that they're going to have a movie night. Yeah. And again, like, this is just like no one who had anything to do with this movie has ever watched a movie apparently. She's got a disposable popcorn bucket

that's got like three kernels of popcorn in it. Oh my God, why couldn't they just get her all the popcorn? That was so fucking weird to me. Like I'm like, there's no way you guys didn't have the budget for popcorn Yeah, well they don't want to watch women eat Oh right right now they're women so they don't only eat nine Colonel's a piece I guess right she brings a cardboard box marked popcorn

She just ran over to the concession stand in her kitchen She comes back and the I was sure this thing was empty for the longest and then they pass it in front of a light and you can see that there's this tiny thin little layer of popcorn in the bottom of it. It's like that's worse than they're not being anything in it. Yeah, it's the classic example of the ninth take and props won't refill the bucket. Let's all drive to the lobby. The devil comes dancing through doing that. That would be nice. And again, because they realize that like, oh, when people watch movies, they are silent and watch a movie, Antonia immediately turns to her in the scene is like, oh, your mother and I love to talk while we watch the movie.

We didn't really watch movies, we put a movie on and talked. I guess we just like talking and eating popcorn, if I think about it. Yeah. This movie's stupid. Yeah, I just like talking while other people are trying to talk. I guess this is the way it's. I should get into podcasting. All right. So, this

Skype, do they give you a great excuse? All right. So, yeah, they start to have this conversation about what was it like to have movie nights with my mom, but the writers realize about three lines in that they do not have the skill for this conversation. Yeah. So it just abruptly ends. And we cut to like Tanya's nightmare. A father Michael just standing there on fire. Yeah, the old Reverend guy from earlier, she's seeing him in her living room in a lake of fire. I think it's just his kink.

Okay. Okay. Finding that out. I got it. I think it's just his kink. Okay. Finding that out. I got it. I got it. And then she flashes back to her sister, Ashley's mom, telling her that she's both pregnant and possessed by demons. Boy, I'm having a hell of a week. I'm going to hit you with a two for I'm pregnant.

Wait for it. Wait for it. And I've got a demon inside me. I wanted so badly to like cut over to the devil with morning sickness, just being like, Oh, this is the fucking words. My feed hurt so much. And of course, because this is a fucking exorcism movie, Tanya says, Sarah, you just need psychiatric help and is wrong. Yep. Stop telling me your feelings.

Go get help. Yeah. But so instead of getting her psychiatric help, they pray to gather and then flies start gathering around as she says demon stuff. Like, I don't know if she summoning them or if they're just into this track. I don't know. It's like fucking fly woodstock in the car all of a sudden. And then Tony wakes up on the couch because that was all a dream or memory.

Now for those of you listening, you may be confused and yeah, yes. Us too. Us too. We are doing our fucking jobs. All right. So then that night Ashley wakes up for another walking slowly through the house to demon noises scene. This is one where she sees all the flies around the vent. And then we got to see where the fucking CGI budget went.

This was the silliest possible looking demo. God. Yeah. This was serious possible looking to Yeah, I really appreciate that Rebecca you have him always as devil bunny He looked like okay, you know that donny dark Yeah, yeah, he sort of had a donny dark Oh, yeah, have you seen that video where everybody is like is that a bird or a rabbit? He kind of had that going on yeah Except and I liked this

choice because not enough devils go with this in horror movies. His nose. You remember Ziggy, the cartoon Ziggy. Yeah. The devil went with it went with a Ziggy nose on the I. What the fuck was that? Nothing more terrible. Someone designed to put a... Yeah, then a blobfish nose on a demon. No. Fucking what? And then the demon... I guess mounts Ashley... And spits in her mouth.

Spits in her mouth! Yes, like the evil big brother trick, yes. Yeah. All of our notes are just... Yuck brother trick. Yeah. All of our notes are just. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what guys. That's where the movies budget went. And I'm delighted. So I want to pause on a high note. This movie will never make me happier than it just made me. So we're going to take a break. But first, let me give it a act through the hard cell here. Will we ever acknowledge that a priest taking photos of a teenage girl is creepy as hell

Can the devil lose up to 15 pounds and just six weeks? Why confuse us with the older sister character if she's never gonna factor into the fucking movie Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the inconclusive conclusion of Along came the devil. Boom! That's fine. At last. Ha ha ha ha! Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Oh, I'm going my room and check on my... Oh! Oh, no it's... I'm sorry, are you okay? You're totally good. Sorry, it's just...

There were a lot of stairs on the way up. Yeah, old house. Yeah, just give me one second, I brought a gator head. I don't think you're supposed to drink that super fast. It's fine, it's electrolytes. A lot of sugar in fast. It's fine, it's electrolytes. A lot of sugar in there. It's fine. Oh, it's not fine.

Oh, it is not fine. Can I use your bathroom? Second door on the left. Thank you. Oh, I'm going to steal your soul. Got it. Is this it? No, no, the next one.

Right, sorry, second. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off Ashley was watching hefty devil drool fucker unconscious body and we're gonna be joined the action with her scarfing down some breakfast like Tanya's timing her right like Kobe Ash something, yeah. And she's supposed to be dressed all sinful here. And I, okay. I'm being haunted by the devil, so who cares? Dress out at once. It's so, it's so a Christian idea of like, this is how bad girls dress.

Yeah, look at those shorts. They're above the knee. Surprise, they didn't dye her hair brown. Yeah. Well, and look, I mean, it's just, you know, it's just a girl dressed to be outdoors all fucking day. But the super porny shot of her ass on the way out, like they were like, you think it sexy enough?

He's like, oh, wait until I get done with my masturbation cam on it. Yeah. We'll get there. Yeah. Like 70s, dukes of hazard level porn. Yeah. It's so weird. Oh, yeah. And again, right? Like this is that Christian moment of like, no, no, it's a, it's a religious movie, but the devil's in her. So we get to dress her all up sexy. Yeah, the reason I want to fuck her is because she's the devil and she's making me want. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Oh, right comfort with love, you. Okay, so she gets out like, I guess Shane, the love interest guy is going to give her a ride to school, but she gets to his truck and she's like, hey, you want to not go to school and go off and fuck her something? And he's

like, yep, sure do. I am a teenage boy. So yes. So they head out on a boat because they have a boat, I guess, or they stole a pump. That's the bet. That is the best positive right? Because she's like, why don't we get out of here and do something while flash cut to them having a lovely afternoon on the lake. Yes. Right. And playing slaps. They're playing fucking hand slaps. How romantic.

Okay. He, I want to talk about this slaps game. She hits him so hard on this third round of slug. This actor calls cut and starts weeping and they kept it all in the movie. Oh God, you're supposed to be acting. You're supposed to be acting. Yeah, but he's like, wow, you're way better than the, at slaps that I am, we shouldn't do that anymore.

And she's like, you want to fuck? And he's like, after that slap, probably not. No. Yeah. Again, this movie has demons in it. And the least realistic thing in it is that this teenage boy is discouraged from sex stuff with this girl.

Yeah. I never thought about fucking a lady before. Yeah, right. Just aren't we going a bit too fast, young lady? Yeah. Must be the devil. bit too fast, young lady? Must be the devil. Also, okay, so they start kissing and then he runs, he pulls back and he's like, you bit my tongue. And then he spits out like a fist sized glob of blood, right? He started basically orally menstruating here.

And again, I was a teenage boy. There are no teenage boys who would let a little tip of my tongue got bit off. Stop them from trying to get it over the end. And, uh, that's fine. You know what? I'll just, I'll just chew on these boxed tissues and use whatever you want to do. Yeah, yeah, my, my, my Dixol there still. Yeah. All right. Let's not do oral, but I'm still there for a sec. Yeah. Slapping was hard. Bit off my tongue.

I'm going to go with foot job. I'm going to go with foot. All right. And then so we cut away from that moment. We will never see Shane again. We will never find out what happens here. I mean, it's wild. All of so many useless scenes in this movie, like where characters completely disappear.

It's wild. Yeah. Well, and then we cut to Tanya, right? She's at work at the refrigerator front art store. And she gets a call from the school that actually never showed up. And fucking Donious dumbass is like, wait a minute, I could have sworn she was going to school with that boy dressed like a Dixie theme stripper. What the hell? Yeah, I get more non-reaction. Yeah, right. Beverly, I'm going to need you to watch the feather lamp picture frame star. I need to go yell at my niece.

Yeah, and Hannah can't find her either. So, okay. So Tanya comes home now. We can tell that that hello shit is genetic here, right? Because Tanya walks in and she starts going Ashley, Ashley, like good, like come on, after two, you don't need to keep doing it anymore. Oh, I love this too. Okay. So Tanya walks in, Tanya walks into Ashley's bedroom to see if she's in there and she catches the smell of death that everybody keeps complaining about. Yeah, I heard dirty vagina. Yeah.

Right, right, right on wiped ass all in everything. But what I love so much about this though is that over and over again in this movie, people walk into that room, they catch the smell, they go, oh my god. And then they just leave the room. They don't go get the Fubri's or anything. They don't check the vent. They're just like, yeah, I guess it stinks in here. It's your house. Yeah, right. Well, now we know that about that room. Right. Well, now we know that about that room and All right, so meanwhile Hannah couldn't find Ashley either so she's checking out Tobin spirit guide or something trying to figure out what's going on

Getting your friend possessed by a demon for dummies. Yeah So okay, but eventually Ashley does come home late that night and her face is all bloody from a bloody nose so Anttanya takes her to the hospital Did you eat a guy you ate a guy okay? Let's get the shovels Now it's okay honey. We all been offered dudes tongue haha it's hard growing up is a strong haha alright so now we okay we had to church

where we cut in on the the priest looking over his birth picks just in case you forgotten that this character takes long distance close-up shots of teenage girls on their bikes we remind you of that. Again, this will never relate to the movie at all. No, it literally is just his hobby. That's it. We're just learning about him and it has nothing to do with the plot at all. He's just a pedophile. Yeah, to these writers, the priestess of pedophile is the same as any's into jazz. He's in the jazz. So he's looking over his

birth picks and suddenly he notices that old Reverend is in the church with him getting absolutely shit faced on scotch. And they start talking about doubt. Now this is such a weird way to enter this conversation, right? Because the old Reverend says to the young priest, he's like, you ever, you ever doubt. And what he's really trying to get to is, I have a basement full of demon possessed people in this very church, and sometimes I doubt if that's a good idea. But he frames it around to you ever doubt God, which is a weird thing to do if you've got a fucking

exorcism dungeon. Yeah, again, to give away the twist of this film, what this priest is talking about is I've literally never succeeded in an exorcism and as a result, have a medieval style prison full of demon possessed humans. And he's like, yeah, man, I don't know. Thomas Aquinas and he's like, yeah, that's right, which makes this scene insane because he's like, I don't know.

Sometimes it's darkest before the dawn and he's like, yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, right. Right. In the movie, there's a line where he says spare me the seminary bullshit. I'm like, that's what I thought when I press play on the moon. Here it is. I think that could be the tag line. And then again, apropole of nothing, the young priest literally apropos of nothing,

a young priest goes, okay, I'm in. Yeah. And the older priest is like, didn't really invite you to anything. I was just talking. No, no, no, no. You had me at prison. Right. As little girls. Yes. Yeah, right. Uh, little girls.

Yes. Yeah. All right. So now we've got to the hospital, we're at the hospital over the nose bleed. And we have this great moment where the doctor comes in and has to tell me at time yet, like, no, it's, it's fucking nose. You, you tilt back your head. Yeah.

Is, is what you don't take. You don't go to the fucking hospital. Yeah. Man, you're taking up other people's space. So if you could just leave. Oh, but they do want her to see a shrink. The shrink, and I love it too. She's like, I'm a therapist.

Here are drugs. Yeah, because, because like Christian movie spend more time demonizing psychiatric medicine than actual demons. She, she got a nose blade and she was prescribed an antidepressant and a sedative. I wrote in my notes here, excuse me, I have to pause the movie to punch myself in the nose. Also, here's a bottle of vikin' and some fentanyl patches. I don't know why, I just can't go. A lottery ticket. The doctor is a black woman, which very progressive, but they

do not show her. She's like, if she was being like interviewed and wanted to keep herself anonymous, she's in which protection. Yeah, she is blurred out, which considering this movie, like I get it if that was a demander or contract. She saw the daylies. It's like, oh, no, no, no, no, you can't use my face. So yeah, your, yeah, my voice is pretty, not just. Honestly, Eli, where I thought you were going with, was given what we know of this director so far, I can imagine if he said, okay, but 50% of the black

people have to be blurred out. So I love to have little they understand about anything in the universe, right? Because the shrink says to Ashley has to believe in, she's like, you're okay, kid. But if you ever need anyone to talk to, call me anytime. But, you know, bring money because my race puts sex lines to shame. I mean, no, that's not how it works at all. Oh. Yeah, no, not at all. If you need a friend, I'm a medical professional.

Yeah. So please don't use it. Yeah, exactly. I would be a bad choice. All right. So now let's do a time lapse of this girl on a bed for eight hours. This is amazing, because here's what happened. The people who made this movie saw paranormal activity,

and they were like, fast motion sleeping is scary. Put it in the movie. And they didn't realize that the part about paranormal activity and scary is like the ghost blanket, not just like sleep and real fast. Also, they made this poor girl lie there and pretend to sleep for, I'm guessing 30 or 40 minutes. So this actress is moving like a nightmare. She's just like she's doing cartwheels and calories.

She so runs out of different sleep poses before they're done filming right at one point She's doing symmetrical poses left and then right Making making a snow angel and bed Yeah writing exactly all right, but yeah that eventually ends and now and making a snow angel in bed. Yeah, right exactly. All right, but yeah, that eventually ends and now Hannah shows up to do battle with that demon once and for all. So she tosses a few rocks at the window.

Hannah, that girl's on a sedative. You could throw the window at her face. She's not waking up. She had a nosebleed. Come on. But she does manage to wake up the devil. So the devil shows up in the window. And once again, Hannah runs the fuck away. I love Anna. She's like, oh, there's demons at this exercise. I'm fuck off. Oh, I didn't realize that. Oh, it looks like you're busy. I'm going to come back later. But as she's biking away, she stops in the middle of the road to check her texts and

gets killed by a truck. Okay. This shot is so sloppy because it literally goes devil, flash to her, getting hit by a car devil again for no reason right? It's the devil being like, you want some pancakes actually? I was thinking of making pancakes. And then it goes back to the car crash to show us that Ashley in fact was hit by said

car. Yeah. We talk about physics to the shot we see, there's no way that car would have been turned that way. No, they just put a car and her on the ground. I like, we have to recreate this accident in your mind. The car had to be moving sideways at the time that it hit her, right? Exactly.

Like they had to be trying to smacker with the tail end as they did a fish around her. I, yeah, it was. look, there's a car. We can't afford to wreck one. So we're just going to pull it real close to this telephone pole. And then just get on the ground anywhere, anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

11 and a half feet from your bike, please. We want everybody to get the impression that you flew like God damn Charlie Brown missing the football. Why don't we put a sock up in the air here? Jesus. And then okay, so we have the moment where like Tonya comes into like, I don't know, crack a window in Ashley's room to let the smell out, I guess. But Ashley is left or EVP app turned on on her phone. Yep.

And now it's calling Tanya's name. So Tanya just turns it the fuck off. Good for Tanya, man. There's there's a switch in it. Tanya, uh, uh, oh, all right. Wow. I wanted her to get a text from the devil. It's just like, did you just fucking hang up on me?

I wanted her to get a text from the devil that's just like did you just fucking hang up on me? I thought that's how you guys greet each other. You say your name over and over and over again. Yeah, right? Yeah, isn't that the house rule here? Yeah, Tanya. All right, so now fucking Antonia goes to Google. I shit you not. This is the first fucking thing that shows up on her Google page. Depression or demonic possession. If it's not one, it's the other.

Yeah, remember Christian viewers, it's not enough to go see a medical professional. You should Google it too and to get both sides. God damn it. Yeah, fun fact. It's actually a great quiz, because if anyone ever says it's anything other than depression, they are at best mentally ill. By the way, cannot recommend googling this enough. You get a like weird side episode of Christian Bill Nye, the science guy talking about how mental illness isn't real and that everything is devil. It's pretty great. Yeah, I went down to Google rabbit hole here.

It was pretty good. It got off of many in the camera. Awesome. All right. So now we cut to a church service. We're listening to bad Christian pop. I mean, Christian pop. I mean, pop.

I don't want to be redundant. Sorry. Yeah, when I kill me, like, yeah, you imagine doing that on a Sunday morning, listening to that like first thing when you're still kind of sick from Saturday night stuff. And also the people in the movie seem to agree, they're not moving and they are not, they don't look like they're listening to anything, which on a movie set, you're probably not. But these are the worst extras in history, so they just got them waiting for the next take. That's what it looks like.

They're frozen, like it's the second band. Like we've open to that concert where you got a good opener. And then just an in someone's girlfriend's mom started a band that's all tambourines. And then there's a band everyone came to see. That's how they look. They look like they're on tambourine band. Which to to be fair, they're right. It's that. Yeah, no, it is. It is. Tamarine, man. With the exception, though, of Ashley, who is rocking back and forth, like she's masturbating, right? Okay. You can tell that these movie makers have never been to church because this girl's behavior is the least disruptive thing going on at any given church service on a Sunday. Yeah. Yeah.

So they start doing the prayer, but the devil that's inside her can't handle all this praying. So she ogre noises her way up to the front, bleeds out of the eyes and yells devil words. And then passes out. I've seen it. What, what did the aunt to come over? Actually, you're embarrassing me. What what are the ant to come over actually you're embarrassing me?

All right, so now time is like I've got to take her to the hospital and the priests are going like no no only God can help her Leave her with us leave your teenage daughter with this guy who's been taking pictures of her Yes, nope I need you to trust me and and leave your very obviously ill niece alone with us. Yeah. Two men in all black suits. Yeah, exactly. That are technically celibate and think that we're angels. Yes. Oh my God. And so, so, so, Tonya drives off with Ashley, and the young priest turns to the old Reverend and he's like, all right, God damn it. We're well into the third act. What the fuck is this movie about?

That's it. And he, is it me or just Father Michael do the like, I gave up that life and it's made me back. That's it. All right. I'll never ride a horse again, again. I mean, yeah. Right, but this conversation is that they have to get the demons name, right? Right.

And this is going to be tricky because this time the dev min was invited in. Right. So now you got to do that whole awkward bit where you just sort of naturally thought they were going to leave once the movie was over and you don't want them in there anymore. And you can't just say, Hey, why don't you guys leave and it becomes a whole thing. It's really awkward. So I got it. I got it.

I wanted the young priest to be like, Okay, we've got to get his name. Can we sign him up for the face app? There's a lot of. Oh, I do want to know what I would look like if I was old. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, so they're after the demons met a data, I guess. And in order to get that, they're going to have to read the forbidden books quick. Yeah, quick. Read several 400 page books. What? And now, okay, so old Reverend Guy goes,

that we're getting this voice over, right? Where he's going, like we're seeing Antonia try to take care of Ashley. And the priest voice over is explaining the three phases of demonic possession. Yes. Now the first stage is just existing in space time. Right. He's like, first the demon will be in a place is just existing in space time.

He's like, first the demon will be in a place or a smell maybe. What? Guys, my house has like 45 demons. I think I need to talk to him every time. The demon loves the trash can. Right, right in the kitty litter box. The kitty litter box is loaded with demons.

You go out, you go out on trash night and there's a demon like perched on your trash can. Come on, you smashing trash cans to lids together. You're not in here. All right, now that's the first stage. The second stage is oppression. This is where the demon chooses a target and then the third stage of possession is possession. That's where he goes. I'm like, then those are the three state. That's two words and then all the stages of possession then. You have so.

And again, given what the twist of this movie will be, what the fuck do you know, dude? Why are you talking? Right. We will learn at the end of this movie. He has never succeeded. Yeah, because his list is terrible. The stages are terrible stages. I mean, he makes everybody else read the book. Yeah, right. It's like, why do I have to read your forbidden books? Have you read them on the fuckers? Obviously not. I feel like with that dungeon full of possessed people, it's really incumbent upon you to read these mother fuckers. Yeah.

Like, required. Oh, and then of course, well, he's saying all that we're watching Antonia and Ashley and Antonia's nose starts bleeding. No reason just because that's a horror movie trope, right? Yeah. Yep. All right. So we learned that the only way to beat the demon is to unlock the secret of his name.

And now the second most unrealistic part of this movie after the teenage boy saying, hey, shouldn't we slow down with all this sex stuff? The doctor from before the treated her at the hospital for the nose bleed makes a house call. He's there. Hello, I just got out of my 14th century time machine. I think you might have a record. I'll go be alone with a demon now. Well, first, let me explain to you that Hannah is dead. I am a doctor that you met once that has no reason to think that you have any connection to this young girl that got hit by a car in any way, but just in case I'm going I am a doctor that you met once that has no reason to think that you have any connection

to this young girl that got hit by a car in any way, but just in case I'm going to open with that. I'm just telling all my patients today, Hannah's dead. You didn't know her either? Okay, cool. I was just checking. Well, see, I feel like they caught a whole plot line where Antonia and this doctor fell in love because it makes so much so little fucking sense Any other way, right? She hugs him when she finds out that Hannah is dead and then he's like I'm gonna go

Check on Ashley and then he just walks upstairs knowing where her bedroom is. Yep, right unless this is just like a town of Petify I know where all the teenage girls bedrooms are actually in this town. And everybody's cool with it, you know, there's a candy shop. You're writing a much scarier movie than this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. And okay. So now the priests show up at Tanya's house to help. They're like, hey, you know, you can't handle this demonic possession thing on your own. So we're here. And then we get the most comical goddamn demon noises

from upstairs. Right, I expect them to walk in the devil's blow in his nose or something's going, oh, sorry, guys, I'm just, I have a little, say it's allergies though, so it's not contagious. Um. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM B I can tell you just And so they walk in to the room and I know they weren't going for humor here But the doctor tied up with all the syringes just sticking out of him

What's so fucking it looks like he's just playing pin the tail and the donkey with him Or some which apparently she did by just freeing one of her arms Right, yeah, otherwise tied down to the bed. Yeah. Right. So with one arm undied, she managed to tie him to the foot of the bed and stick like, why didn't he even bring 37 syringes with him? What the fuck did he think was wrong with this girl? I think she's just going to need a little more fee, I guess. Yeah, I see. One for good measure. And he's like, well, I didn't know what I was gonna,

like I've had the way here. I might come across a World War One battle or something I just want to be prepared. All right, so now the old reference is gonna do the exorcism thing. This is where we're gonna directly lift from the exorcist, right? This entire scene.

And it's so weird because they mentioned the exorcist. And none of these characters are like, wow, this is just like word for word. Straight out of the exorcist. Like, I wanted at least the demon to acknowledge it and be like, you get it? Like the exorcist. I'm just like, I'm fucking with you. I'm having some fun. And then like, Tanya comes in and she screams and then they immediately usher her out.

So there was no reason for her to be there, except that like, I guess scared is the one emotion she can do. Right? They're like, she's like, no, I'll be damned if I'm gonna get through a whole horror movie without you guys here on my scream. Yeah. Yeah. It's no reaction the whole movie and then overreaction. And then the priest, who again, I cannot emphasize strongly Yeah, it's no reaction the whole movie and then overreaction.

And then the priest who again, I cannot emphasize strongly enough is not a doctor, just injects her with a sedative. Yeah. In the neck. Yep. So either there was 38 syringes in the doctor's bag or that priest just carries around child sedative with them. Like, either way, this is creepy.

Yeah. Is that like a missing stage of possession? Sedation. Yeah. Okay. And then here's the dumb fight. Like this really shows you how stupid these fucking writers are. Okay.

So they say data and take her back to the church, which means that they quit. This scene could have come immediately after her bleeding from the eyes, right? There was no reason, nothing. No purpose was served by having her go home and then come back to the fucking church. They have to get the shot of her in a bed like from the exercise. Exactly. That's what I mean by ham fisting all these things. They really, just like in order to do the trope,

they don't care. Oh my God, you're right, though. That's exactly why that scene is there. They were just like originally they had the script as then they do the fucking thing in the church and then they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We got it, she got to be in a bed when they start, yeah. So now we're at a church.

We're doing the same scene, but harder. And they're so bad at like anti-demon words, right? He's like, hey, demon, get on out of here now. That doesn't work. You get. You get. Also, he tells the story of Jesus wrong in a way that's pretty important.

He's like in the name of Lord Jesus who died and descended to hell and then went to heaven. Jesus did not make a pit stop in hell. That's not part of canon. Yeah, no, Jesus made a pit stop in hell. He spent that's where he was for those three days. Yeah, that's where he was for the three days. He was dead. He went down to hell and preached to all of the people who hadn't been there to hear all

the good Jesus stuff so that they could go to heaven too. That's incredible and I'm so glad that they could go to happen to. That's incredible. And I'm so glad that we're going to eventually get to that. I don't know. The right we're going. No, we're not. No. No.

No. But yeah, okay. So there, the demon is saying swear words. Tanya screams every time the scene's most down a little too much, I guess. And then, okay, this is amazing. At one point, you guys correct me if I'm wrong on the order of operations here, Ashley rips through her bonds that they've got her tied to the chair width. She steps forward. The old Reverend does a force push. Guess he does. He karate kicks her into the corner with holy water. And then

we get this wildly uncomfortable upskirt on the throw when she goes against the wall. It's so inappropriate. I just wrote, I am sorry Rebecca. I had not seen this movie before. I invited you to do this. And then in my notes, I wrote Eli as a perv. Right. There. All right. So then she wakes up, like, I guess sometimes later from the forced throw and she climbs up the wall like Batman and Batman versus Superman. So fucking silly. So they start like, you know, demanding her demon name or whatever. So she breaks the priests aren't most first

She breaks her own arm. Yeah, then puts the bone back and then breaks the priests arm and runs off Okay, also when she does her little rise up in the corner thing She is literally quoting God of the Bible. She's like I am God I visit the sins of the father upon the children. And he's like, you're not God. And I was like, he sounds an awful lot like God. You're a double check that it's not, girl. Yeah. God would have said that.

Yeah, that is totally God thing. He says I kind of stuff all the time. So, David possessed Ashley runs back into the woods. Tonya runs after her. My safe place. Yeah. Right, base, base. I'm on base.

Can't exercise me here. Now, Tonya comes. Tonya is so fucking stupid. She comes across Ashley crying in the woods and I was like, Oh, Tonya, I just want to go home. Help me hold my mouth close to your face. Okay, I'm just saying possessed Ashley and heath of a certain all you can eat establishment have very similar behaviors. All right.

So the the priests show up fucking demon, fucking Mike Tyson's Tanya's cheek or whatever. And then okay, we get this scene where like the younger priest has to drag Ashley back to the church. But what we're looking at is a priest dragging an underage girl into a church against her will. Yes. I feel like they should be a little more aware of this kind of shit at this point. I mean, no, they showed her up skirt like that's her off.

Yeah, I guess. Boston cop drives by. I'm not seeing this. I'm not seeing it. Just how it's done here and pedophile. It's a weird thing to see at the church on a Monday. So yeah, so old Reverend and Tanya show up like the pre-straggs are to the church. The old Reverend and Tanya show up afterwards. And by the time they get there, Tanya has strangled the young priest to death with his rocerees or something. But he looks less strangled and more sad that he's in the movie.

Oh, no. Oh, no. All right. So with four minutes and 10 seconds left, Tanya is outside the church the next day. She's calling Jordan. Remember Jordan, a fucking course not. We only saw her in the 10 years ago opening scene.

Yeah, I didn't have any idea who that was. Yeah, that's Ashley's older sister who's in college. She's like, Jordan, you have to come home. Not sure why. Are you learning about demonic possession in that college years? Probably. Yeah. But then the old Reverend comes together and he's like, hey, since you're

you know, kind of down with this whole demon possession thing, you want to see something cool? You want to see my possession dungeon? He's got to see. And again, the twist of this movie that will now be revealed is that he has never succeeded in an exorcism and has an old, timey medieval style prison filled with possessed teenagers. Yeah, right. So that more important than he did that he hasn't fixed. He hasn't actually completed an exorcism or succeeded in an exorcism is that his contingency

plan is to lock those people away in a dungeon for the rest of their days. Yeah. And am I wrong in saying that they all look the same? Yeah. Yeah. Were they all a white blonde girl? The demon has a type. The demon has a type. No shit. And again, but like twist within a twist here is that he's like, hello, Kevin and Kevin's like, burr, I'm the devil and he's like, I'm sorry Ashley, burr, I'm the devil. And then he's like, hello, Sarah.

Huh? Her mom was also possessed. Yeah. Yeah, so I've locked away this woman for her entire life while I left her two children with an abusive drunk. Yep. Anyway, I'm the good guy movies over.

Anyway, literally credits. Literally credits, dude. But here's the thing, I stopped watching when the credits rolled. Apparently I shouldn't have because Rebecca, you found the true twist ending to this movie, right? Yes, yes, not in the credits and in the old Google, I took the Antonio route. Oh, right. Yes, they're going to be making a sequel to this movie and it's currently being filmed in Georgia, this sequel and along came the devil again.

Yeah, right. And all the proceeds will be donated to the anti-abortion heartbeat bill and to Stacey Abrams Fair Fight Foundation. Wouldn't it guess that? What? Never would have guessed that. What now? You know, should she take it?

Because this is a movie about petafile. Yeah, right, right. Stacey's like, yeah, thanks. But, uh, yeah, exactly. And also the pro seat. Like all $17 from the seat, well, yeah, give me a fucking pro seat. Everyone buys that DVD,

we put in that car wash basement. Okay. All right, wait, I'm having so much trouble with this. Maybe you guys can help me out. What the fuck was the moral of this story? Right, I can't. I have no idea. Happy this to. I mean, because usually in like in the

possession movie, someone did something to get no, not okay. That's what I like about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same amount of possession. Yeah. All right. We'll go with it. All right. Well, Rebecca, I can't thank you enough, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. Thank you so much for suffering through this movie with us. And thanks for all that you bring to the show. Thank you for having me. It was not a pleasure.

No, it never, it never is. And well, that is going to do it for a review of a long came the devil that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to earn the rent money for next week. So you like to tell us what's on deck doorways to danger. I fucking hate October. It's another documentary from those people who brought us to say, Tannik panic documentary, except it's about Halloween. Oh, this is okay. Now I'm happy. All right. Also, well, that's a look forward to we're

going to bring up a two 19 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Rebecca Vigil and once again, a huge, maybe even huge your thanks, I think. It's all the Patreon donors that will help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make it a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help attempt by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this is getting in the citation needed and thepticred available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasted limb. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodolphinMoviesToGmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, this is a P.E.R. Taurus. Tim Robbins and Takes Here, our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting, the Evil Traffs on Mars.

Although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and once used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, write Neil I.Boss, Nick, I'm No Illusions, promise to work hard on another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes The priest was discovered to have ties to Jeffrey upstairs Antonya went on to fuck a stuffed bear The devil went on keto for like a month, but then then you got off keto

Gained all the weight back and it's kind of sensitive about it Don't say it The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. all rights reserved.