God Awful Movies - 218: Doorways to Danger

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

This week, guest masochist Michael Marshall joins us to discuss the one way portal to hell that is the Ouija board. --- Check out Marsh's show, Be Reasonable. Check out Marsh's other show, Skeptics with a K --- --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

See, I thought, and maybe this is because I grew up with the BBC, you know, in Britain we have a long standing, journalistic tradition of balance. I thought we saw this long-haired bearded guy get out of a car, and I thought, oh, he's going to be the guy to tell us all about the occult, how it's a good thing for balance. You know, if he's not going to tell us how great the occult is, I'm going to really disappoint her. I wanted to be sort of like, well, you know, the thing about being an occultist sex coven is just like you know all the sex is just great. There's loads of it. There's a big girl with guys. Just everybody always wants to fuck it's brilliant. That's what I really wanted out of it.

God awful movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I am amazing Noah. Today I learned that my high school yearbook is a movie. So I've got a lot of stuff out there. All right. And also joining us today is the host to be reasonable. The co host is skeptics with a K the project director for the good thinking society. And a guy who it turns out isn't really a beetle.

He just talks like one Michael Marshall, Marsh, welcome back sir. It's an absolute pleasure to be back. Fun fact, I was actually going to be the fifth beetle, but I was beaten to it by Pete Best, but other than that, I would have been in the band the entire way through. All right, well, yeah, I feel like if you could be you or Pete Best, you nailed it. Uh, if Pete Best could be more extreme. Yes. He's like, fuck, was that an option? No, I missed that all too thing. All right, so tell us, Marsh, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched doleways to danger. The 1990 educational film that explained that if you ever even checked your horoscopes once, you should pretty much start stockpiling babies to eat because you won't be missed in the fall. I was so ready for this movie to tell us about the dangers of fortune cookies. They never got around to it, but basically that and the magic eight ball is all they missed. All right. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved Blood on the Highway, but you wish it had been about the dangers of Mario Kart. You will love this movie. What's out of the blue show? It's the glorious love of the PS. All right. So now, this is a product of the satanic panic, but I was always under the impression that

that was a distinctly American phenomenon. This is a British movie. So, Mars, did you guys go through this tour? Was this just an American company trying to get you guys on board? No. So, we did. And so, it's strange because 1990, I was seven. So, I was too young to remember this all happening,

but I have spoken to people who are involved in skepticism at the time. And there was this big sort of recovered memory, false memory type thing going on. And this idea that, yeah, there was a Satanic sweep through society, which I find really bizarre because I don't really see a lot of specifically religious behavior here in the UK. So it just seems weird that we would have, it makes sense for you guys. You guys can have a religion everywhere. It suffuses every inch, every cell of your bodies has some sort of religious aspect to it. For here in the UK, we're meant to be a bit more reserved. So I'm astonished that this actually happened to us as well.

Yeah, no, I found that really disturbing. There was, you know, like pre-Brexit, there was always this feeling in my mind that you guys were like the smart us. Yeah. And this, this is really helping to ding it right along with it's just the accent. The accent co-as a hell of a lot of ignorance. Right. Right.

No, exactly. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. I want to say it had the best worst teaser image because this film is on YouTube, which was handy. And I also did a little bit of looking around, a bit of googling about the film to understand the context of it. And everywhere that I looked for

the film, it had the same thing as it had on the YouTube sort of snapshot as what the film was about. And that was this really weird sort of apocalyptic kind of painting with some Ghoulish looking children and a giant witch and I thought this is going to be a weird incredible psychedelics run of a film. It's going to be spooky. It's going to be fucking weird. Nope, nope, none of that. That was just one painting that appears at one point in the film and they led with that everywhere that I could see. So I was so disappointed by what this actually looked like all the way

through. My hopes were totally dashed. And spoiler alert, this movie has so little content. We will go visit that painter's house. Oh, we will, but we'll never speak to him. No, we won't. We'll look at his sweet car, though, yeah. All right, so I was gonna go with, and this seemed like the no brainer to me,

best worse transitional graphics. All right, so you ever watch one of those, you know, the slides shows that the old guy put together on iMovie and he just used all of the transition wipes alphabetically. Like apparently there was a 1980s version of that. There sure was. Yeah, but he didn't get all the way through the alphabet. Did he know it? He stopped at C for cubewight. Yeah.

I think it's trouble. Don't know why I need more than the cubewight. All right. I was going to go with best worst eyewitness testimony. Look, I have no idea which person you're talking about right now. No, no, no, no. Okay. We have seen a lot of Christian quote unquote documentaries and other kinds of crazy documentaries, but we have never had the one time me and my friend saw a person doing a thing which I now believe to be but was not magic at the time. As the sole survivor of witchcraft in this documentary film, we will at one point get a Christian band talking to each up, not the people who were into witchcraft. We were going to Christian band talking about people they met who were into witchcraft

as our eye. Yeah. We'll get bullshit here. Say, yeah, exactly. it'll be a lie to the third power by the time we're done with it. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of idiocy exponents to work out here and apparently right now all of our souls are immortal peril because I did read my horoscope at one point in my life. So we're going to do you guys the favor of keeping the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the paranoid skits of any other

that is doorways to danger. Hey, Maris, thanks for helping us out with the ads again this week. Yeah, no problem at all, fellas. So, um, so this is the copy. Yeah, I mean, we've personalized it a little bit, but yeah, you just go ahead. Okay, sure. Um, let's talk about the holidays. I know, I know it's crazy early to talk about the holidays, but trust me, you don't want to go through another holiday season, taking clothes, mouths, photos while everyone else is grinning ear to ear, do you? Getting a photo already smile starts now. And it's easier than ever with clear aligners from candid. And you can trust me because I'm British and we have terrible teeth.

We don't actually have terrible teeth. Dental health in the UK is actually reading first. March, it's the copy, March. Just the copy. You got to do through the copy. Candid's aligners can help straighten your teeth faster than traditional wire braces. Treatment takes just six months on average, or as we call it paternity leave, is that an anti-paternity leave, Jorkela?

They only paid for the minute, March, when you question, they get along to add. Candid shipped to your aligners directly to you. So there's no hassle going to Northodontist's office and Candid costs 65% less than braces. Oh, I get it. The joke is that they make you pay for medical treatment. Is that what you just were doing? Just read the next part. Okay, okay. And with each aligner purchased, candidates done it's $25 to smile train, who bring safe, 100% free cleft lip and palette treatment to children all around the globe. And I'm absolutely not gonna read that.

Marsh, you said you were gonna help. Fine, fine. To treatment, to children all around the globe. And then Eli has written. And the good thing too, because Yuck, am I right? Yuck. There we go. So get your photo ready, smile by the holidays.

Go to CandidCO.com slash awful. And use the code awful to get $75 off. That's CandidCO.com slash awful. Code awful for $75 on. Candid Bob. Hi Pastor Bob. I want you to know that I have a repressor. Okay, fair, fair, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here because your parents wanted me to talk to you about the dangers of Satanism. What's Satanism? Oh, it's a very evil thing that could get you killed. Oh, but I guess I'm sure we'll do any Satanism then.

Yeah, and it'll give you terrible superpowers. Okay, wait, what kind of superpowers? Oh, you'll be able to levitate objects with your mind, summon hellfire to consume your enemies, all the vile tools of the devil. All the vile tools of the devil? Oh, yeah, but there's more to it than just sorcery. There's more?

Oh, that's right, there's a beviacin and debauchery, sex, nudity, wild, orges, just group masturbation. Okay. So how do you spell it again? S-A- And that's not even to mention all the drugs they're going to try to apply you with. But you know, maybe you should tell me what specific addresses I should be avoiding. No, but here's the worst part.

Are you ready, little Noah? You'll be separated from God and you won't go to church. This is my literal origin story, isn't it? Yes, sure is. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off with an opening crawl that apparently went to the Donald Trump School of Capitalization that informs us that all around the world, there has been an increase in the practice of spiritism, fortune telling, witchcraft, and Satanism. And the voiceover here reminds me of every single BBC educational program I ever had to watch as a kid.

It just takes me right back to the classroom. It's a VHS and a TV being wheeled into the room. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah wheeled into the room. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. That's the amazing. What's hilarious is at this point in the thing I wrote in my notes, this video is going to warn us about the dangers of Ouija boards.

I thought I was being facetious, right? A good 70% of this movie is devoted to the dangers of Ouija boards. I thought I was fucking with you when I wrote that. I was not. I was not. You were not. And then we get what I believe may be the greatest opening sequence in human history. Oh, I love this so much.

I wasn't expecting when I was watching a film warning about the dangers of Ouija boards to have a quasi-bowey-esque intro song. Well, I was there for it. I've had this tune in my head since I watched it. Yes. Start with, it starts with going, do you know you're butsign?

Do you follow the stars? It's unbelievable. It's so good. The rhymes in it are so amazing. Really hot. The rhymes are amazing. The lyrics are amazing. And I will say, Marsh, using that first line

is the only evidence of this song left on the internet. It's written from the sheet made. I'm not sure if it's a real song, but I cannot find anything of this. I wrote all the words out and everything to try and get it down. I was trying to find it because I wanted to see the lyrics

just so I could have them to fuck with at this point. And I could not find it. No, it's just undiscribed. I was enjoying it so much. I can pause and transcribing it. Because the last, the last line of it as well. Obviously this film is called Doorways to Danger. The last line of the song is Weager Bords and Tara Cards, a more than harmless fun. They're the doorway that will lead you to distraction. It's like distraction. Say danger. It's a name of the devil, no frame of the film when you wrote this song. But even worse, it's because distraction rhymes

with harmless fun. It's just nice to know that when heart beat all murder suicide of themselves in the year 1995, it took a lot of remaining evidence of this song with them. Oh, and okay, so we're listening to that amazing song and then what we're watching is People in a shitty local fair and near total darkness, right? That's what the video is no reason that is ever explained except I guess Satanism really happens at the fucking tilt the world Satanism really happens at the fucking tilt the world. And as this is happening, there's like weegee boards and tarot cards flying by in 1990s in camera effects quality.

Oh, yeah. And one of them's runes as well, but runes sort of descends from the top of the screen really quickly. And I had to pause it to figure out what it actually even was, which I feel isn't a great warning if you're not warned about the dead. So what was that? Also, center of cards. Yes. Yep.

The dangers of center of cards. Um, and I love to, at the very, the last thing they show is a bunch of magazines about astrology, which means you know that they sat there for like an hour and a half going like, if we just show stars, they won't know what we're talking about, y'all. All right. So then we get the title screen, which says, I love this so fucking much doorways to danger Colin, the video, you know, as opposed to the stage play. I genuinely think it was to distinguish it from Sinkish it from Dolby to the India, the beat to max because we know right.

The right comedy. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And also now I didn't realize this was British quite yet. And I know that you guys do the weird red triangle thing with your signs or whatever, but yeah, they were going for danger sign. They landed on yield sign.

Isn't there one? Like, is that the one you use for like, you know, T junction coming up to, right? That's not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's like, you've got to stop to make sure no one's coming. That's as bad as far as it gets. Yeah. It's kind of more it's always, it's always to information rather than which is a way better description of this movie. Yeah. I don't know. There weren't a lot of door-to-way information in any of them. All right. So now we're going to meet our first and who turns out to be, I guess, our most credible talking head, right?

This is Christian minister and author on the, I'm sorry, I'll introduce him the way this movie introduces him. Kevin Logan, author and a cult troubleshooter. Yeah, very, very valid job title. His job title basically, what are the symptoms? Yeah, sounds like demons. Sounds like demons. And so this is the only quote unquote expert in the movie

that I was able to Google. And it's the darkest, darkest Google timeline because you Google them and then they're like, oh, there's a million Kevin Logan's more important than this guy. Then you put in Kevin Logan Lancashire or however you pronounce that word in Britain. And it turns out the only article about him is, so there's this vicar that nobody likes. He's retiring. I felt that nobody likes. He's retiring. And in the article, he's just like, fucking gaze. Am I right? And they're like, again, just remind of this guy's retiring. You probably come back to church or not who cares.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, open with like, just before he appears, we see a shot of a book called paganism in the occult and then his face appears in the front cover.

Yeah. It's a haunted book. But no, that was their fantastic transition skill coming in, Megan and early appearance. And yeah, and so he flies out of the book and starts explaining to us that horoscopes are a gateway drug to Satanism, right? Well, they're a gateway drug to zombieism, right? You know, they start with horoscopes and then they real quote, lose the ability to be

people. Yes. Yes. Yes. Your personality deteriorates. He says. And it's great because he says it in the most flattened boring voice of anybody I've ever heard about. You've been there having to make you can do this.

Well, and then curiously enough, he ends this warning by saying that if you get into Ouija boards and horoscopes, you'll lose your ability to make choices. Right? I'm like, yeah, well, let's, kids more Christians, so they'll have a greater array of choices. I was going to say it. Yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, we need to, you can't do this stuff, you'll lose your ability to make choices because we at the church are all about kids making choices.

We want young people to be pro-choice. Hang on, can we rewind a second? Yeah, I can't. Just, just kind of put some of that. I'd like to retire. Move your hands. Yeah, I just called out for myself. I'd like to retire. Yeah, okay. So we move away from him because the movie itself is bored by this guy. And then we check in with heartbeat.

Heartbeats. One of the UK's most popular Christian music pop groups. I imagine that is a fiercely competitive category in that I just learned about that category when watching this. Yeah, right. And look, it's too long to make jokes about, but when I die and go to heaven, I will get to just make jokes about the heartbeat interview that I found online when I Googled Oh, Christian Ben, which is just the lead singer very very very much trying to do a behind the music thing

He's like, yeah, it wasn't always easy people would be like Sing how great is our shepherd and we would have to sing it but some people thought we were just a rock band We're not I mean, I think we're a fan, so that's a person. Let's drink some Milky T and gossip. Okay. So we do see them drink the weakest T. I have ever seen in my life. It's offensive to me as a British person to see how they take that T. It's disgusting

to me. And also, can we, can we at least mention that they are the ugliest group of humans ever captured on video? Yeah, I feel like ugly doesn't capture it. They are the craziest group of humans. Like if you told me God hit the character randomizer button a bunch of times, it was like there. That's heartbeat, make shoulders, tiny eyes, who the heck. And I love as well. There's like, well, I think there's eight of them in the band. They all sort of walk in in a really rehearsed and super awkward way. But then the ninth member of the band runs in after them.

And he's running with his hands in his pockets. I've never seen anybody run with their hands completely in the pockets. I think he'd read online that having your hands in the pocket makes you look casual on camera. Right. He's been sort of spending time thinking about that. Everyone walked in without him. And he's like, well, I guess I better run to catch you up. This would look good.

Yeah, it's amazing. And we should probably mention the entire reason for heartbeat being in this movie is so not to talk about their music, not to talk about the careers, not even to talk about Jesus. It's for them to talk to each other on camera about one time a girl had a say on's in her house for fun, but her television exploded. And her nightmares came true.

Yes. Alright, yes, they're chatting about all the people that they've freed from the occult with their Christian music, which sounds like the greatest terrible cartoon ever. Like, right? Like, they're Scooby-Doo and one girl and they're apparently talking about mutual memories, right? They're not telling each other, but they're going like, you remember that time, that? And the one that they open on, I had to go get my wife for this. And I'm like, just 11 seconds is all you need to watch of this movie. And the one girl goes, you remember that one girl who had a say on, wife for this. And I'm like, just 11 seconds is all you need to watch of this movie. And the one girl goes, you remember that one girl who had a say on some of that television

exploded and things flew around a room and she became a pre cog from minority report. It's amazing. I also love it. It's a minor detail, but she says, you remember that girl, up north, who did that? And it's every time she mentions anyone to add that kind of credibility, they had that, oh, and there was a, there was an unnamed teacher who was down south. The kids are really. And there was that survey of kids in the North. Why is this lady's information all geographically bound? Well, it's like, that's why she, it's the same way that she doesn't use a number that ends

in five or zero for her percentage, right? Oh, yeah. So, yeah, they go into detail talking about things that they already know. And what the, like, if you use back away from this conversation for a second, what you're actually listening to is people saying, remember when we met that mentally ill person and took their delusions seriously? Oh, yeah. That is the scariest case scenario.

I chose the lighter timeline, which is they could find zero people who had these experiences and heartbeat was sitting in the room for some reason and they were like, we could just lie. Do you want to stay as well? Back and forth, we could do that weird conversation top of lie thing that Christians do. Oh, that would make sense because there's three of them in this conversation. There's two women and a fella. And the fella in the entire conversation says nothing other than, um, and yeah, north, yeah. And I think it's a bit like he's just walked up to this conversation at a dinner party and he doesn't know how to join in. So he's trying to start getting into the conversation

and it's been going on without him for a while. Oh God, that's me mingling. Yes. Every blanket, every platinum night we've ever had. Yep. And they're talking about like they're like, I'm just terrified by how many Christians read their horoscope for for all the wrong reasons of course. Oh, there's a lovely bit as well where around the one of the ladies who Scottish, she says about how all these, you know, Christians are all doing Ouija boards rather than reading the Bible. And then she says, because you know, it's subtle, isn't it? The occult, it's subtle.

And it's like, yeah, it's a pain when your TV subtly explodes. Yes, certainly. You cry around the room. I don't live in California. They're floating around, but they're not being like ostentatious. Yes, right. You're right. They're flowing around, but they're not being like ostentatious. They're not going to be in the streets. They're staying low to the ground and shit. This is where she gives us her fake statistic, which is that 87% of teenagers had dabbled

into the occult. Yes. By which she means the Ouija board? Yeah, exactly. Right. But still, if 87% of British kids play the Ouija board as she says at lunchtime British schools are weird and I want to know what that was like All right young Marshall welcome to your first day at the school of throng bottoms academy

I'm so excited to learn that's right. Are you eager to learn maths? Which is... Which is plural for some reason? I'm not sure. Well, it is plural because there isn't just one number. Is there headmaster? Not in England, there's not. Anyway. From there you'll have a cricket probably and then for lunch you'll summon the dead. Summing the dead, sir? Oh, yes. All the children do it.

Asking them questions, generally reaching through to the other side, like you do. You know, this is actually far better experience than I had at school. So yeah, let's talk some dead people. Right, yeah. I'm off to go kill several snakes. Spotted, I'm fucking accent.

Nailed it. Nailed it. N nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. All right. And then we meet, we meet Eddie Voss who is a lecturer and spiritual advisor, just so you know, everyone on this call could technically claim that title too. And Eddie Voss looks like Margaret Thatcher as a drag king. It's pretty impressive.

Yeah. And Eddie Vass looks like Margaret Thatcher as a drag king. It's pretty impressive. Yeah, I had Eddie Vass. He came, he's what you get if you take all the hair that you pull off a brush, after you've brushed a very ginger cat and then something like, pull it all up. And that's, that's him. Bring that to life. Do you think we can get Eddie Vass? Oh, that's deep.

All right, he's keeping great. So he's going to share, I think the scariest story that we're going to hear in this, right? So once upon a time, he was teaching R.I. I'm guessing religious indoctrination. I don't know. British thing. It's religious instruction. You don't teach R.I. anymore.

You teach R.I. in the UK. But for a while, it was R.I. before we realized that you couldn't just instruct children to religion, because that did sound like indoctrination. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Next generation will be R.S. religious suggestion. Right. Yeah. Exactly. R.N. religious non-shelons. All right. So, but in R.I. class, the higher ups wanted him to talk about the occult. And he says, I class the higher ups wanted him to talk about the occult and he says only if I can be supervised by other people and just like other adults like like as though this was a condition of his probation or something I didn't he didn't explain why look I'm used to giving that speech and I thought he handled it tastefully no I thought it's going to be very tastefully I mean

all I thought was I I'd be really happy for that caveat to apply to all our real lessons, if we can get whatever there's an our real lesson going on. Also when he says it, we cut to a lot of kids, like footage of a lot of kids at school and they all look super bored and super annoyed. So I can only assume this is footage actually live from his class at that time. I'm going to keep listening to Eddie Vass. Yeah, so he tells us the story about how he taught all the kids about occultism and how reading their horoscopes would make demons live inside of them.

And that class ends after his class, a mentally ill young girl had a breakdown or an epileptic had a seizure or something. And so he exercised the demons from her. Yeah, whatever was happening to this child was medical, but don't worry. He took her outside and yelled, Jesus is Lord at her. Yeah. That's literally the story he tells in the video. He describes what sounds to me like an apoleptic fucking seizure.

And he says, yeah. So I drug her outside and I'm like, that's bad already. And then he yelled, Jesus sat her, but don't worry, she was fine after that. I guess he successfully sent the legions of demons plaguing her into some feral hogs or something. But we know he's the hero because it's entire story is being played out in a cartoon that she showed up, which when the cartoon guy first appeared, I thought, oh my god, it's a demon. I was really getting into the service of this all moment. But no, this is a cartoon illustrating

his heroics. And then we see a cartoon of the lady that he describes as a demented lady. Yes. The style of the cartoon. This is going to mean nothing to you guys before I UK listeners. The style of the cartoon is exactly the same as the cartoon introduction to the children's TV show Grange Hill, which is a very famous intro of like a comic book of a like a school. And so the very next frame of Eddie driving this demon out of this lady, midway through the frame, a sausage appears on a fork in that frame. And you hear, but I'm means nothing to you, but trust me, you can listen to our get-t-t-ness all the way. British listeners are love for me.

I thought it was impressive that they got the guy who did all the CPR posters here. After his big hit, you know, I did both the CPR and are you choking posters? So, Christian liars who I can illustrate. So, but wait, this story gets so much better. So she gets over her epileptic seizure or demonic convulsions you decide. And he says, hey, you know, have you been, you know, having unprotected demon sex? Or like, how did she get the demons? And so the girl told him that she had a part, a part time job as a hairdresser, but it turns out that the hairdresser she was working for was also a spiritual media.

Which means that the real story here is you told me that this harmless thing that I had done would literally allow demons to hijack my soul. And I freaked the fuck out because I'm impressionable and young and you shouldn't be allowed to talk to me. Yeah, but the way he ends this story is bizarre. He goes, she was possessed because she worked for a hairdresser in this afternoon. It's spot end of sentence. I don't know what there was a cross fate. I don't know no idea why he thinks punctuation goes at that point. I'm criticizing how he wrote and spoken that situation. Still, I want to go to that hairdresser's place and see what that work environment's like.

Right. Oh dear, thank you so much for helping me out at the salon. Oh no, promodol, Miss Puff and Fuffa. Oh, call me Brum Hill, darling Oh no, promodol, Miss Puffinfuffer. Oh, call me broom-hilder, darling. Okay, broom-hilder. Now, would you be a deer and hand-me-thousers? The scissors here? Mm-hmm, and that wee cloth doll, darling.

Uh, this one. That's it, that's it, and finally, the long pin with the bloody tip. Uh, broom-hilder, how does all of this help with hair stuff? Oh, it does, Madere. It's the secret of why all British women either have Peter Pan's haircut or like a lady from the far side. Yeah, you're not planning to come to QD this year,

are you, Eli? Hope and they forget this joke. Ha ha ha. Alright, well I'm pretty sure that this movie just endorsed the psychological abuse of children in the name of protecting them from spiritual abuse. So I need a break for some deep breathing. Probably a good moment to take a break for our word from this week's second sponsor. Oh, hey, no, what, what are you drinking? Oh, this is's second sponsor. Oh hey no, what you drinking? Oh this is the liquid death. So you're also drinking the mango necked now are you? I'm telling you and Eli are gonna like lose a foot by Christmas. No no liquid death it's actually just really good water it comes from the mountains it's rich with natural electrolytes and minerals. There's

nothing like a freezing cold can of water to murder your thirst. Wait, did you say a can of water? Isn't that wasteful? Dude, aluminum cans are infinitely recyclable. In fact, of all the aluminum produced since 1888, yes, over 100 years ago, 75% of it is still in current use. Plastic is not actually recyclable anymore. Most recycling plants send plastic straight to a landfill because it costs too much to recycle and there's nobody who will buy the recycled plastic now that China will no longer take boatloads of it. Aluminum and metal are the only materials that are actually profitable to recycle. Environmental economists are actually saying it's now better for

the earth if you just throw your plastic in the garbage so it goes straight to a landfill instead of doubling the trucking distance required to ship it to a recycling plant and then have it shipped again to a landfill. Huh, well I'll be. Plus liquid death tonight's five cents from every can sold to help clean up plastic solution and bring clean drinking water to those in need. Well, that's nice of them. But liquid death is only available in a handful of stores, so you have to order it online.

Just go to liquiddeath.com slash awful. They're offering listeners an exclusive deal to get two dollars off every case. That's liquid death. com slash awful. They're offering listeners an exclusive deal to get two dollars off every case. That's liquid death dot com slash awful. Or better yet, you can click the option to literally sell your soul on their website in exchange for a free case. But it's not real. Yeah, you actually sign a real soul contract

that's legally binding for eternity. Liquid death, science shit for Noah, upsetting religious people for the rest of us. You can keep that catchphrase liquid death that's on us. They're like they're gonna give it back. And we're back and now it's time for us to meet. David still well. Who they are and identify as. X switch and coven member I believe this is British I believe that makes him a left which.

Yeah and the first spell he cast was to never appear on Google let me find. next switch and Coven member, I believe this is British, I believe that makes him a left which. Yeah. And the first spell he cast was to never appear on Google. Let me find out. I mean, David, the way he gives this interview, he looks like he's been forced to do this interview. This video is a digital form of Megan's law. I said, he looks like the first guy to get fired for fucking bagels and world history. That's like, all right. I can't imagine he looks like the first guy to get fired for fucking bagels and world history. All right, I can't imagine he'd be the first. But yeah, so he, we meet him

and he goes, well, you know, I was messing around with Ouija boards. And as he's saying this, they show what I believe is the deck for Scrabble's slam. It is not a Ouija board. It is not a board. It's a bunch of cards with letters on them that it shows So goddamn it. We paid for all this b-roll. We're gonna use all this b-roll Right, but he tells us that his gateway was a girl gave him a book Yeah, and if any of us struggle to imagine what that would be like the video Recrease that tries out for us. We see a book being handed to a person.

But yeah, so he got a book about witchcraft, kind of a DIY guide. And so he got really into that. And then the narrator cuts in to say, what kind of things attract young people these days? Yeah. And if a religious person ever asks you that, do not answer if it's a What kind of ice cream to the kids like

Carey bars, so we get books videos Damn those young people in their book obsession And also Dungeons and dragons. Well, yes, right. And fuck you right now. And they're doing, they've got scary b-roll of like the dragon on the front of the Dungeons and Dragons box here. And he's trying to justify the Dungeons and Dragons thing. He's like, oh yeah, pretty much anything with witches,

wizards, Dungeons and Dragons. You know, the dragonards, dungeons. You know, the dragon is, yes. I'm the son. It's all evil. Also, hey, how about a little shout out to the art for dungeons and dragons during this time? It was the fucking worst. It was like, I knew high schoolers who drew shit in their notebooks way better than the covers of these books I'm looking at. It was the first time I've ever seen the polyhedral dice pop scare, but yes, they open

the fucking books. And there's just like a dot, yeah. So yes, anything with rich, which is your dragons and it'll leave you sucking on Satan's red cock. And then the narrator cuts in to go, but what about Halloween? That's got which is the dragons and shit, doesn't it? And his answer is like, Oh, yeah, big, big satanic holiday, fucking huge. I mean, underneath Halloween is human sacrifice and murder and shit. Yeah, right. No, it's the

highest satanic festival of the year you see. Yeah, yeah, although he does say, but people think it's all about just trick-or-treat and dunking frapples, bobbin frapples. And he says it like, bobbin frapples is sinister. And do you do bobbin frapples in America or something? Yeah. You're telling me to be the least sinister thing in America, little boy. He's trying to make a scare out of it.

Amazing. In my experience, bobbin for apples is just being bad at eating for the first time in your life and then almost drowning. Yes. Yeah. What it is is slowly drinking apple water. That's and then almost drowning. Yes. Yeah. What it is is slowly drinking apple water. That's all I've been told. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And I'm sorry, is it just maybe this is an accent thing or whatever. It sounded to me like he was saying trick in treat. Is that like what British people say or do this guy have a heath dad? Oh, okay. No, so this is a, it is his accent. He's saying trick or treat, but the way he's saying it, his accent sounds to me like he's saying trickle treat, which is a very different. He's a totally different activity. But, but also a gateway to Satan. All right.

So now the movie is going to sit back and recount all the people we've heard from so far. In case that nine minutes really lets you stretch your max mentally or something. Yeah, it's very much kind of like here's all the people we've heard from so far and they take it all seriously. So either we should also take it seriously. Oh, they're wrong. Yeah, people telling us stories about exploding TVs and nightmares coming through are wrong. It's one of the other. But now it's time for my personal favorite part of the film. One sentence, tell me the major truths of the universe and an old construction site. This is so good and so weird. It's so weird. I have no fucking idea what this was supposed to be, but like honestly, isn't it the perfect

metaphor for Christianity that they have an uneducated person trying to answer the most complicated questions of philosophy in 1.8 seconds or less? Yeah, yeah, while climbing on a bulldozer. Yeah. Here's Sib Smiley Ringwall, just going to solve all the questions of the universe for us in a sentence or less. Except, well, I don't want to spoil it. Most of the will be a sentence or left. Yeah, right, right. And also it's just so that you know that she's the one answering the questions. They've, they've stabled a large mystery brick from Mario to her left boob. They have and I don't know why she's wearing a massive question mark. I want to know, I want to hear I want to be there for the decision making process today, the director decided to have

aware a massive question mark because she's answering the questions. Don't even asking the question. Yes. She's answering the questions. Oh, maybe it's just to distract from the fact that she's crawling around tobacco like a stripper while she's doing this. All right. So yes, so let's get to the questions. Okay, question one, where did you come from to which she says, well, I don't believe that I just crawled out of a river or something.

And I just want to say her looks say otherwise. Just throw it on the air. It's not just her looks. When we get introduced to her, she's standing pencefully next to a river. And there's an Andrea all the way over this is there. Don't lie to us. But seriously though, is that how she thinks evolution works that like she personally was once a fish?

I can see how you had doubted. And I love the her answer. So she says, yeah, I don't believe that we crawled out river and gradually evolved. There's a really hard cut. And then she says, I think it's more credible to say that I was created by someone. And there's a really hard cut and we look somewhere else. And it's like Andrea couldn't talk quain really for 10 seconds. Yeah. It's needing to heavy cuts. All right, but that's not going to slow them down. Here's the next question. What am I?

Answering two words or less while standing in the dull frame of the digger. Yeah, right. No, and that's the weirdest fucking thing is that every time they cut back to where she's going to be on this same backhoe, but in a different position, right? Like, eventually she's going to just be dangling upside down from it or something. Like monkey bars. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the shot in a episode of the twilight zone where there's a pixie or a

grinning on the wing. And it's just. Yeah. Mechanics. Yeah. But don't worry. She's a ghost in a meat suit. Oh, I'll throw one sentence answer. All right, question. I have no idea where the

for these questions get so goddamn esoteric question. How does the past affect the future? Yeah. What the fuck are we going? I don't know what the point they try to make it. She says, I think the past does affect the present. It's like, yeah, that's how time works. I mean, yeah, that's what he works. I don't know what we're establishing. Hey, among Christians, that's just controversial. Apparently, yeah, causality, they're not great with that one.

Yeah. All right, so now we're gonna, here's a question you should be able to knock off with one sentence. What is right and wrong? All right, so now we're gonna, here's a question you should be able to knock off with one sentence. What is right and wrong? And so she says this whole thing about like how I think you know deep down when you're doing a wrong thing. So her answer is literally whatever I think in the moment is right or wrong.

Yeah, and it also crucially doesn't reference religion in any way. It's like I think you know deep down, she's essentially saying, I think we all have some sort of innate sense of morality that's built within us and doesn't come from external souls. It's basically her answer here. Yeah, right, except I'm sure the Christians are like, yeah, the Holy Spirit, you got. Yeah, yeah. And I really wanted to be answering this

from like curled up in a little bowl in the book of the digger of the book. Yeah, right, right. Hang in off of the tooth of it like with a wedgey or something. Yeah. All right. So now we got another question here for her.

Is death the end? No. Next question. Nope. And then we finally give her an opportunity to really live in an answer and answer it thoroughly. The question is, and I can see why at this point in the conversation you would want to ask this girl this, the question is, what is reality? I love this because one of the things she says is, if I thought that reality was just what I want

for my life, I'd be quite depressed. And she said, yeah, Andrea, that's because the only thing you seem to want is to find innovative ways to sit on a bulldozer And we should point out that she has had a one sentence answer to everything except for this question Which is 14 times longer and somehow less meaningful. Yes. Oh my god, because she keeps saying like yeah If I thought reality was just my ambitions. I well, yeah, you'd be wrong if you thought that You say like, yeah, if I thought reality was just my ambitions, I'd, well, yeah, you'd be wrong if you thought that. But then she lands on reality. This is her definition is to know God and understand his purpose for our lives. And I'm like, like even if Christians were right about everything, you would still be wrong

on that definition, right? That, okay. And then a filthy hippie shows up in a ridiculous toy car. Okay. Here's what I thought was happening. I thought Jesus drove up in his car to take her away. See, I thought, and maybe this is because I grew up with the BBC, you know, in Britain, we have a long standing, journalistic tradition of balance. I thought we saw this long-bed head bearded guy get out of a car and I thought, oh, he's going to be the guy to tell us all about the occult, how it's a good thing for balance. You know, if he's not going

to tell us how great the occult is, I'm going to really disappoint her. I wanted to be sort of like, well, you know, the thing about being an occultist sex coven is just like, you know, all the sex is just great. There's loads of it. There's a couple the girls with guys, just everybody always wants to fuck it's brilliant. That's what I really wanted out of it. No, well, yeah, no, I would have been better than what we got. Yeah. So this is Rodney Matthews. His work can be seen in album covers and calendars all over the world. Yeah, yeah. Now, you're probably wondering if this artist is legit, but don't worry. He's been allowed onto DVD cover Collins. Yeah, he's a real big player in the in the calendar out world. He's a real big name in that world. He's their Jeff Coons

Yeah, no, like this is this motherfucker's a January through March kind of artist. And I'll stick his ass back there in November or anything. Yeah. And and also what if he was the greatest calendar artist in all of the history, why don't what the fuck would that make him an expert on for this movie? You right? Yes. Yeah. And it's lovely as well.

Because we see Rodney get out of his car. It's not a bad little car. But then he enters he walks into a stone shack where he lives. And the voice of us says, he lives in North Wales. And I was like, well, that's superfluous. We've got eyes. We can see he lives in North Wales in the stone shack. Yeah. Either he lives in Stone Handry lives in North Wales. We get it movie. We just. And then, okay. And then we break down one of his paintings because apparently his girlfriend wouldn't let him use one of her poems.

Oh my God, this is the trivial bullshit that the Christians in my high school drew on the inside of their trapper keeper, okay? I, oh, this is so much worse than, and he explains it to us. It's like the shitty, you know, I filmed your friend made and then he stops it halfway through to be like, you get it? Because the girls that that yes, I get it. I get it. You have no self. Although God is being attacked by force sperm and that is a fun thing. That's the high point of the fucking picture. Yes. There's this loads of just weird details. You got, you got at the top. You've got like the Holy Angels surrounded by fire fine, but all that you've got what looks to be Darth Vader dressed as a

cheerleader, which is Satan. And he's got a backing crew over all the falling angels, fallen angels. And then we've got the evil spirits who apparently aren't xenomorphs from the film aliens. Yeah, but the xenomorph genies, yes, yeah. Right next to that, we've got what I'm pretty certain is the guitar is from deaf leopard. He's representing normal people. It's amazing. There's a black knight with this stripey black and yellow skirt who's got a peck riff in and we're never told what that's about.

Well, and then yeah, so here's the, here's how subtle he is. They're breaking down a painting for us where the evils of rock and roll music are depicted by a rock and roll guy playing guitar with a demon xenomorph hovering above him. So yeah, that's that represents the demon that hovers over us when we play guitar. And then they end it with like, but don't worry about all these demons. Jesus took care of that. Y'all remember? Jesus.

And I'm so sad that we never even hear Rodney speak at any point. I'm really sad about it. We've gone into his house. We've poked around with the wrongs. It's the least we could do. He went to the bottom of the lane and drove back up in his car for the intro.

Yeah, right. I mean, at the very least pay his petrol or something. And okay, and then we're going to open up the next scene with a very clear statement that buying two songs about the dangers of Ouija boards, what it just been ostentatious. We're literally going to get the same song from the beginning of the movie again. We are. That is true. And okay, so now we're going to either meet Carolyn Williams or the duck that killed Carolyn Williams hollowed her out and climbed inside to animator from within. That's actually how untitled Goosh game ends. I apologize if I just ruined it.

Oh, man. Spoiler. I mean, a quick question, is, is Carolin Australian? I couldn't, she sort of had a half Australian accent. And all I can think is like neighbors, the Australian soap opera was massive in the UK in the 80s. And I think she's just all of the 80s neighbors characters rolled into one human being. Sure. And speaking of the guy who had to drive to the end of the lane

to come back up in a scar, we meet her. We meet Carol and she's walking up to our house with an umbrella because it's England. You know, that's right. I'm in shitty. And she keeps glancing up at the porch like she's nervous that we're there. Like she thinks that we're going to try to collect money from her or something. But when we the other either they sent this poor girl out in the fucking rain to get this shot, right, this arriving home shot, or they literally just showed up on her porch and she wasn't expecting them to be there, which I actually think is more likely given what we know. So. All right, but Carolyn is here to like her qualification, according to the little blurb at the bottom

of the fucking screen is recal an incident from her school days. Yep. And you know what? I'm not even sure she does. I wouldn't go so far as to call this an incident. No. No, it's not. Her documentary content making story is one time I walked into a classroom and some girls were doing bloody

Mary, but the British version and then I was like, and then I left. I'm in the movie. This story made it into the movie. Yes. Yes. She said she walked in on a room full of people who were reading the Lord's Prayer backwards, which means, among other things, she immediately recognized the Lord's Prayer backwards. That's fucking weird, right? I think I feel like she just heard weird like this. She walked in on the like the Russian exchange students or something and shit herself, that's demonic or something like that. And that's the whole story.

She walked in on those kids and said, fuck that and left. It's the story about that time. Nothing happened to her. Yeah. I have a theory about Karen that will come to later that I think explains what she walked into in the bathroom, but I'm not going to spoil it. But I've got a theory, a working theory is to what her life's been all about ever since then. All right. All right. I love the tease. All right. So, and then they're literally going to tell us about the dangers of Ouija boards some more because they don't want me to be able to be hyperbolic anymore.

Nope. They tell you that Ouija boards are very dangerous because you're not actually talking to the dead. What you're talking to is demons. He was, he started off so good. He started someone. Now you can't actually talk to dead people with a Ouija board. I'm like very good David still well very good But if that were true, I feel really bad for the demon who gets stuck with that job, right?

Oh, hi there, you must be gollmack the demonic. Yep, that's me Well, you know welcome to first day in the lower hells that we're all super glad to have you here. Yeah, I'm really excited to damn some souls. That's exactly the spirit. So, um, so here's your, uh, here's your workstation. All right, this is a, uh, so wege board. That's right, the, uh, the main communicator, if you will.

All right, so what do I do with this? Oh, don't worry at all. This can be dead easy. Messages will just come in communicator, if you will. Alright, so what do I do with this? Oh, don't worry at all. This can be dead easy. Messages will just come in. Oh, there we go. You see, you've got your first one already. Spirit, are you there?

I mean, yes. Okay, so you've got to move the plan chart? Right, yes. There you go. You'll have a soul on your first day in no time, but this, right? Does Billy like Nicole? Who the fuck are Billy and Nicole? No idea. Well, then what do I say? I mean, yes, right? Yes, seems demonic. Sorry, I just, I don't, I don't see how we're gonna get souls this way. I mean, to be fair, the other side's plan involves giving babies cancer, so... Yeah, no, that's a good point.

Yes, he likes... ...a cool... ...ataboy. Atta boy. Okay, so now the narrator is gonna cut in to point out all the much better movies we could be watching. Mm-hmm, right? Yeah, we've gotta go for the video nasty theme

at this point. We see some of the classics, pulled guys three, spellbinder, prime evil, and then the witches of Eastwick. The witch of the comedy. Fucking Eastwick was one of them. Well, it gets worse because the, what they will settle on as a guy is talking about a kid

who like descended into Satanism is Ghostbusters II. I don't even blame the good Ghostbusters. That's super scary video nasty Ghostbusters II. They literally show like children walking by the sign for ghost busters too. As though to say, can you believe that when kids are watching? And I want them to carry on even further. He's saying, you know, many films and videos today made you on horror, sex, fantasy, the demonic.

I want them to go even further and be like, there was this one film I saw where there was a haunted theme park and it turned out it was the janitor who was the ghost all along and it's just a VHS of skippy. Also, like that was his list. They major in horror sex fantasy and the demonic. What is the common thread in that list? Right? Like that seems like an SAT question or something horror sex and fantasy art to the demonet,

like what? But yeah, so then we meet Paul Benson whose qualification to be in this movie seems to question or some or her sex and fantasy are to the demand like what what. But yeah, so then we meet Paul Benson whose qualification to be in this movie seems to be talked to a young man recently. I gave a guy an anxiety attack once because he's just describing an anxiety attack. He's like, yeah, no, I cornered this teenager. I told him about how movies were filling in with demons. And you know, nobody knows anything right now. So he thought it was a demon and had an anxiety attack. And I was like, oh, demons choking you, which made it worse.

Which made it worse. Yes. The end of my story. He just say, you know, it's as if a hand grabbed this kid by the throat when I was trying to bring him to God. And I was like, was that your hand, Paul? You strangled the kid to you. That's what I'm the way.

It's stronger than the kid. You've blamed Satan. Yeah, exactly. Afterwards, you were like, if anybody asked where their marks came from, it was damn old. Yeah. But again, the actual story is, I met a kid who watched a lot of movies like The Omen. And then when I told him from a position of authority, those represented true actual reality facts, he was real scared. So I said, gotcha and made him into a Christian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's exactly it. All right, so now the movie runs out of shit to save for a few minutes.

So we're just going to list synonyms for magic. Yeah, I mean, we have this big long scrolling list of evil looking things in what I can describe as might be reasonable to do list. This list gets so weird, so quick, right? So at first, it's like, promis tree Satan is a sorcery rich craft fortune telling. And I'm like, okay, I get it. I get it.

I see the theme here. And then it says levitation. Yeah, levitation. Amazing. Spoiler alert, we will find out what they mean by levitation in the second. Yes, right. It was not the satanic magnets. I hoped it would be. We will, we will. The list goes on for much longer as well. And I wrote in my notes, is the rest of this film, the glossary? Yeah, by the end of it, these are the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that stop. Come on now. They literally just like wrote everybody's word on the board and wrote with it. And they never like after this is over, they don't explain why we just read

that long list of words, right? No, we just, it's done. List list list over. Let's carry on with the film. Yeah. Think about the list again. Maybe they were just really bad at like subliminal messaging. They just read about a subliminal message. I've read about it. I've not read very much about it, but I've got a feel for it. How hard can it be? We'll give it a try. We just sneak levitation in there and no one will know.

So yeah. All right, well clearly this movie needs a minute to decide what to fill the rest of its runtime with. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give Aak Three the hard sell. Fucking Ouija boards. Are you fucking kidding me? You think the sentinel at the gateway to the mortal hell is Milton fucking Bradley? Find out the answers to these questions and

more when we return for the rambling conclusion of Doorways to Danger. Hey, no, is Marsha here yet? Uh, no, not yet, why? Ah, I was hoping to get some dick pills from him. I'm sorry, dick pills? Yeah, he's basically a doctor, right? He does like science and stuff. No, no, no, Marsha's in a doctor and he definitely can't give you dick pills.

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Oh, Eli, his dick pills. Thank you, nice. Well, I mean, I guess we could write some original. It sounds hard. Yeah, that's true. I've got it. I know exactly how we open our Satanic invocations. Oh yeah?

Alright, so we say the Lord's Prayer. Wait for it. Backwards. So like, evil from us did have a book temptation, that kind of thing. No, no, no, man, like, leave a morpsoe, revilit, to noit at p-pomet. Did I love that? Did I was super evil, right? Ah. What? You don't like a Marsh? Well, I mean, it's just, it all seems like really derivative, doesn't it?

And how so? Well, you know, we got our symbols to cross, right? But it's upside down. Our messages are in song lyrics, but they're backwards. And now the invocation is going to be the Lord's Prayer, but backwards? Well, I mean, like, you just get a theme that we're going with, I think. Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess, I mean, like, you just got a theme that we're going with. I see. Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess, I guess. Wow, Mars, you seem like really down. You want to snack?

Sure, yeah, yeah. Here you go, buddy. Hmm. Oh, this is good. Who's this? It's Timmy. It's Andy Wilson. What? Ha ha ha ha. Timmy. Andy Wilson.

And we're back. When we left off, we were pretty sure Carolyn's amazing story about seeing kids say words was over, but no, no, there's more to it. We're going to rejoin her mid story. It turns out things are about to get a lot less believable. After she ran away from the backwards Lord Prayer, apparently she came across some other kids playing, hover you above the ground with my mind. Did she go to school at fucking Hogwarts? Okay. But here's the best part. This is why we just saw the word levitation because what she's describing is 100% light as a feather

is a board. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. They just cut the part where you said that. Right. I think there is some heavy subtext going on here because she says, you know, I was walking through the field, there was a crowd, there was a girl lying down, there were six people either side of her, they were at their eyes closed, they were all concentrating. I thought, I've seen those videos online. I've seen those videos. Because I keep sending them to you. And honestly, the language she uses just broke me because if you start seeing this as her story, rather than I dabbled in the occult, it all becomes really clear because she says, verbatim. So my friend Sarah bent down and it was me that was going to be bent over her. Yes. We all pitch that

so far. Yeah. And she says, and everyone was around us and she did breathing and everything else. And then she just went and I started to really concentrate on her. This is 100% a lesbian scene. This is absolutely what happened here. She goes, I was looking, cause it like, yeah. So her and her friend apparently saw everybody playing light as a feather, stiff support. And they're like, all right, well, all the other kids are levitating. I guess we'll jump off the cliff too. And it was her friends turn to to levitate. She says she looked down and her friends face started to distort, which makes her own

visage make a lot more sense to me now. But luckily, just as her friend was going full demon faced, Carolyn started praying, and then everyone got mad at her because they were just playing light as a feather still is aboard, and she started calling upon Jesus's name. Yeah, but I have a very solid theory about what happened. So the whole thing about like, I was the one who was supposed to stand over here. Here's what I think actually happened.

I think they were playing light as a feather, stiff as a board. And I think she was the person at the head. Now, if you know about the physics of light as a feather, stiff as a board, that is the one thing that doesn't have multiple people's fingers on it. So if you freak out because you're a Christian schoolgirl from England and drop your friend's head, they'll mash the back of their head against the ground, distort their face because they've just whacked back their head against the ground, then you will pray to Jesus and ruin everyone's good time. This is about a girl who dropped her friend and assumed she'd been possessed by a demon.

You're totally right because she says at the end, my friend was acting kind of drunk. She couldn't stand up to her. She couldn't focus. I mean, I had a different reason for why she couldn't stand up for him. But you've come up with another, another alternate possibility, Eli. Isn't it amazing how many possibilities there are without resorting to demons. Also, we should point out that someone has, or somebody's kid anyway has storyboarded this whole thing with shitty watercolor paintings that are in his first with her story.

They're quite lovely. But yeah, she tells us at the end, this was a pivotal moment in her life, this moment when demons lifted her friends. And you know that can't be easy for the demons involved, right? Right. Uh, Gormac. Hey, Marsh. So we got your transfer requests, all 443 of them.

And? And, yeah, we agree that maybe we, Jibos, aren't the best use of your skill set. Oh, thanks, Satan. I was thinking maybe I could like, you know, attempt to maiden or start a fire in a church, you know, with her there. Love it, absolutely, love it.

Keep those ideas coming for sure. But in the meantime, we're thinking you did something a bit more of a worldly demonic activity. Ooh, I like the sound of that. Excellent. So, right, so what you can be doing is, you're gonna be lifting little girls. I'm sorry, lifting little girls.

Yeah, you know, lifting little girls. Oh, you mean like, like in the exorc exercise, like above the bed, right before they vomit, actoplasm and stuff? Right. Yes, but not quite that high. Okay, just sort of hover a menacingly over the ground. Yeah, I mean, technically, their friends will also be lifting them as well, but you're gonna be making it easier by like two fingers or so

Okay, so just Just lifting little girls that not even yeah, yeah You know if he doesn't want to do it. I'm happy to take over I'm a Jeffrey get back in the pork box. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I was that Jeffrey Epstein Yeah Yeah, I know All right, sorry, sorry. Was that Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah. Ugh. Yeah, I know. decided to switch from one form of attention to the other form of attention. Yes.

Yeah. And Paul, he looks in this interview like he's being interviewed on when he found out that his neighbor's was swing is the sort of the tone of this interview. It is. So he starts off with some great advice for the parents out there. If your teens seems depressed or suicidal, take away their Ouija board. It's probably the Ouija board. Yeah.

Jesus, there's a lot of Ouija board talking this movie. But hey, Ouija boards aren't just fun and games. Sometimes people get nightmares. Also, they cause divorce. What I love about this interview as well, Paul managed to get maybe three sentences out. And then the voiceover comes right in as if it's like, ball, ring, ball, come on. I've never been more on this narrator's side, but yeah, he's describing all the dangers

of Ouija board. And then he says at the end, he's like, but the worst part is it denies them access to God. Yeah, that's, that's the word. The worst part is it costs 12 bucks, dude. All right. And he also tells us by the way that when he was into astrology, he didn't just dabble, right? When he sees a giant pile of bullshit, he doesn't just touch the edge. He sticks his hand all the way in Jurassic Park style. And I love how he tells us how he freed himself

from astrology. He's like, you know, what I thought about it, it's kind of bullshit. And I was like, good. And he was like, it's like worshiping the stars. And I was like, good. And he's like, and the planets. And I was like, good.

And he was like, when you should worship the wizard that created those things. And this guy tries for an analogy and stubs his toe. It's so goddamn. Yeah, I mean, I love all of this interview. I love it absolutely all because you said that he said, you know, that when he gets into something, he doesn't do it lightly. You know, he said, I really get into it. And at that point, there is a glint in his eyes. That made me think, oh, it's not your neighbors that are the swingers. Right.

And he's basically saying, yeah, when I get into something not real, something pretend, I don't pretend lightly. I go all out with my pretending and I pretend really, really hard. Anyway, I'm religious now. Yes. Right. And as he's talking about how he needed to interpret astrology as well, he said, I have to go to the library to get some books about it. And we see footage of him looking at magazines.

And the magazines, first of all, that illustrated with stills from the video to Ahar's take on me. That is the animation style and the illustration style in this video. But I realized at this point, and I've been back through it. I'm pretty certain about this. Every book and magazine that we encounter in this film is flipped backwards, rather than forwards. The backwards, rather than forward. This film doesn't know how to read. I'm pretty certain about this. I think you're right. And I think I can back that up right because at this point, what we're

looking at, like the guy, what's his name Paul is saying, like, you know, I bought all of these books about astrology. And then we cut to two books and three magazines with big pictures in them. And that I guess is to them all these books. And he comes, he does bring up this analogy as well. He said, I began to realize it was like the teacup worshipping the teapot because the teapot was filling it up, but the teapot, well, the teapot wasn't seeing the hand that was holding the teapot. And I thought this metaphor is both confusing and embarrassingly British. It's as if he said, I mean, I began to realize it was like apologizing for being drinking in the queue in bad weather because your upper lip was stiff, but your teeth weren't

straight. It's not like British analogy. Also the teapot shouldn't be worshipping the hand either dude. Your analogy is terrible. That makes no fun. What about the brain? Oh, fuck that. That's for you. We're out of power. Oh, dead. Now I'm into crystals. All right. And now is time for us to meet Judith Dawson's skeleton or, as I call her, the turtle from Finding Nemo if she wanted to speak to a manager. And she's listed, by the way, as a child abuse consultant. And I'm sure that's a noble profession, but it sounds like the person that you would call to see how big a stick you can get away with, right?

Yeah, it definitely sounds like it's offering tips and techniques. What have he done way up in the, what if it's exactly 48 hours when he wakes up is what I want to do? But here's the thing, fun fact about how noble Judith Dawson's profession is or how she does it. As this film was being made, Judith Dawson was leading a team that wrongly accused

two nursery workers of child abuse and who were a judge later said of her team that they maliciously and deliberately misrepresented the evidence to do so. And they got fined two million pounds. Wow. And compensation towards those workers. Obviously, Judith didn't pay up any of that. It was the crystal that employed her who had to pay it, but that is the level of nobility and professionalism that Judith Dorsson was employing at the time. Wow.

Yeah, no. And she was practicing up on the maliciously misrepresenting the evidence too, right? Here in this very film, because she starts talking about she's like, you know, we see all kinds of abuse and sexual abuse of kids. And I'm like, yeah, that's pretty fucked up. And she's like, also, satanic rituals, that's real. Those are real. Oh, no, not now.

Don't. Here's my favorite thing. She says, as you probably know, Jesus said, don't touch a hair on this kid's head. Satanist believe the opposite. And I was like, so touch all the hair on that kid's head. I had exactly the same thing. And I said, I think there must be a lot of satanic hairdresses. And I said, Oh, shit, we learned that early in the film.

Oh, my God. His dick came full circle. I just want to point out how much less concerned the Christians became with sexually abusing kids ritualistically when it turned out it was there. Guys doing it. Right? Like is it a strange, that was such a hobby horse for him back in the 80s and 90s, not so much anymore. But yeah, so then we talk about the obsession that Satanist have with combing baby hair apparently. What the fuck? Did she think she meant?

So now, so we've, we've, we actually have come full circle, because this movie had heard like vaguely was aware of the idea of opening and closing on, you know, parentheses or whatever, but what they came away with was that the first and last scene of your movie should be the exact same clip. Yeah. Yeah. 90% show this film loops like Pope fiction. And still going on forever somewhere. Yeah, 90% sure this film loops like Pulp Fiction.

Still going on forever somewhere. Although there was a clip from Kevin Logan who we see again, that we sort of start. Does it clip that I align from him that I missed the first time around? Where he said, once you start on that path, it's a very slippery slope that ends in disaster. And I thought, ah, someone's been listening to the citation, needed back catalogs. I'm pretty sure that's pretty slow for any disaster featured heavily there.

Yeah, that is kind of one of our major themes. Yeah, yeah. But so he ends reminding us that we, GeoBorz will disintegrate your personality and tells us not to be a Satanist. The end, by the way, if you're having trouble with Satanism, they have some numbers you can call way too many numbers. It's a British number. So it's just this is 74 digit number. Yeah, right. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, that's it for the movie itself. That it was a pretty short one, but we have a little something extra for you because Mars did a little snoopin, as he said, he looked around online to see what he could find. And he came up with the study guide that goes with this film. Yes, apparently, along with the film, they distributed a little thing about how to lead

a discussion about it afterwards. So before we wrap things up, I want to go through the 10 discussion questions that they offer. All right. Number one, there may be many reasons why a cult practices appear to work. Hokes, slight of hand, psychological power in the group, or through demonic forces. What explanation do you think is most likely? Oh, most likely. It's definitely slight of hand. Greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the cups and balls. the cups and balls. Yeah, I mean, I totally agree.

It's all just standard magic techniques. A lot of people don't realize every Damon is actually a set of identical twins and that's you just ruined the ending, but okay, but all right. Number two, do you think you could ever be influenced by outside forces? I gotta go buy a Pepsi. Yeah, but this movie's an outside force. As this is PDF, you idiots. Anyway, there's some questions on this one.

Ask yourself these questions. Hey, have you ever read your horoscope and taken it seriously? Yes, because astrology is true. PMP. Have you played a Ouija board? What effect did it have on you? Oh, okay. So this is a true story.

I played with a Ouija board alone as a child. And because nobody was there to like nudge it and there was no one there to make me play along or any of that stuff, nothing happened. And I was convinced Ghost didn't want to talk to me. Oh God, that's hot break. In the trunk, just sad fat baby Eli sitting alone in his room being like, come on, goose. Okay. That's what happened.

drama. drama surely still not disappointed with me. And so my experience, my buddy had one and so we played with it, but I didn't play along. I didn't push along. I didn't push her along with him. So nothing happened and he would just push it and circle around my fingers. All right. See, if someone told you they could put you in touch with a person who had died,

would you take them up on it? I'm worried dad might ask what I've been up to. I don't really want to. It's going to depend on the person person Eli might just dig somebody up. I'm going to miss miss it. I came alive at this one because yeah, absolutely. I would I would absolutely take them up on it. In fact, I genuinely spent last weekend seeing a 63 year old Japanese cult leader channel

the spirit of the dead princess Diana. That's how I spent my night. What? Yeah, I went to the headquarters of happy science. You guys have got happy science films. I went to see the happy science say on to a princess, Diana. Oh, did he do the accent? It was amazing. So it turned out, which I did find out in advance, luckily, that it wasn't actually him there. They were just showing a film of him doing it without telling you that it was a film that did it. Oh, really? But it was amazing. They asked him as Diana about all various different things.

And one of the things they asked him about was, so have you got a message for William and Harry? And I don't think he knew who those were because he sort of went, William, Harry? I'm not sure. And I'm like, yeah, I've surprised Diana's forgotten her son's that quickly. You know, it's funny how quick this spirit to move on when they're from the outside of the world and having them to the research property. Amazing. All right, wait, there's more. Three, do you

think there are any dangers in dabbling in the occult? Really silly book collection? You could burn yourself like in too many candles or get a little blister from the lighter. Yeah, also future potential employers might see that video you were in from the 90s. Yeah. All right, number four. Several people spoke of their experiences. Did any of them surprise you?

I feel like you have to care to be surprised. I didn't see the scene with the semi-Australian lesbian coming. That was an answer to that. I want to meet the guy who wasn't even surprised by any of those stories. All right. Number five, have you formed a world view yet? That's a terrifying question. And then it asks us how we would answer the six questions that were put to Andrea, the girl on the backhoe.

Yeah, I'd probably answer them while dangling off the back of a combine harvest. That's right. All right. And question six has a bunch of homework. How do the devil and Christ differ in their approach to man? See John 111 through 18, John 812, John 129 through 34 second Corinthians, 4, 4, Philippians to six Matthew 13, 19, John 520, Luke 422, Second Thessalonians to nine Matthew 411 through 11 first Peter 318 through 22.

No. All right, wait, this is my favorite question on the list. first Peter 3 18 through 22. No. All right, wait, this is my favorite question on the list. Number seven, although demon activity has cropped up in every age to a lesser or greater degree, why did the world of demons so strongly reveal itself during the ministry of Christ? Oh, because there were cameras yet. feel itself during the Ministry of Christ. Oh, because there were cameras there. I think it's his Christ escalated the fight by being so efficient and brilliant at fighting evil,

that it's a bit like at the end of Batman Begins where they blame the Joker on how good Batman won. Right, no you're right. Okay, all right. I think that's honestly the answer they were going for. There's somebody from this project is listening. They're like, all right, we're getting through, y'all, it is like Batman. Jesus is just like Batman.

All right, number eight. This is not a question. This is what it says. I copied and pasted this guys. I didn't rewrite it. Eight, some reasons during clear of occultism. Cultism? Question. eight, some reasons for steering clearer, but cultism, cultism question.

A goth girl's take even longer to get ready. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I had the smell of justics makes me very angry and enraged. I become incensed. And Ariel shit. It's all right. So I'll wait. No, I'm sorry. Nine is my favorite question. Nine is the best. Again, I am going to read this to you exactly how they have it written. Nine, can you think of two reasons why getting involved with the occult is similar to walking into a radioactive area? A, that which can harm you is invisible. B, the harmful effects may not show up immediately. Did you answer your question?

I think they did. In your, all I had was that astrology and radiation that both make you more likely to expose to cancer. And that's close to being able to learn anything to this. Well done, sir, well done. All right, and finally number 10, how can people be set free from the bad effects they have experienced through spiratism,

fortune telling, et cetera? Notice, especially the sections with Eddie Vassan, Paul Benison, why did it work? In my experience, they can start an atheism podcast. Oh, that would also be a good answer of the for the reasons to steer clear of a cultism question too. I think in terms of setting people

free, I think they could realize that it's just all not real and then stop listening to skirmongers like Eddie Vasson Paul, and that would probably do a decent job at setting them free. Well said, sir, as a matter of fact, I think that's the note I want to end on. So that's going to do it for our review of doorways to danger. Not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to try this again and expect different results next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, of course next week should be the last week of our Halloween spooktacular, but every so often something so beautiful comes along.

One night, Fatem event, so tremendous that you are currently the sole owner of the ticket to the theater in his play. That's right. It's Kevin Sarbo versus Antifa in the Reliance. Oh my God. We got 7,000 texts and messages and shit about this. The win when they announced that this was coming out. Yes, we are going to go. I'm going to drive an hour and 40 fucking minutes to the nearest theater, to the theater near me that's playing this for its one night Thursday day view, which will not carry on over till Friday. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up so to 18 to a merciful close. We'll get a huge thanks to Mars for hanging

out with us today. And a reminder that you can hear more from him by following the link in the show notes. Hey, Mars, thanks for being on the show. I forgot to add that in my outro, thanks. Thanks. Oh, it's an absolute pleasure, guys. I really enjoyed seeing this glimpse of my history. And of course, also huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that don't make the show go. If you want to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful.

And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by link a five star review anywhere you can and sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a deus citation needed in the skeptic grad available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies to gml.com legal services to this podcast are provided by the law. This is a PN rhetorias Tim Robertson takes care of our media. Our theme song was written in performance by Ryan Slotnik and we'll be able to draft some marks.

All of the music was written in performance by our audio engineer, Morgan Clarkam, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm No Illusion's Promise to Work Hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. The theme song went on to play on a loop in Marsh's head until the day he died.

Do you know you both sad? Do you follow us? Noah Heath and Eli did eventually all appear on this show again in the same week in problems. If I'm still the only person with a ticket to the Reliate on Thursday, I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked. I'm watching it naked.

We could spend the, like we can basically make a full length episode of this just by spending some time on the physical appearances of heartbeat. Um, I actually have that in my notes that. Oh, I just thought I'm just those ad people. The patron edition. That's just me really getting into our business. Pretty spot on accent there. Hummarsh. That was beautiful.

Like, for a second, I thought you'd left the room in a genuine headmaster coming. I was nervous about doing myself as a kid, but yeah, does Billy like? Just killed me when I first read through it. I was like I'm gonna be a pro about this here. Here we go All right. Oh, this, this, this is such a cruel, uh, cruel ad for both of us, March, because I have the worst teeth and all of podcasting.

So it's a dig at both of us, I think I haven't fully read this ad copy. So we'll see where this goes. Oh, okay. All right. Well, in that case, yeah, just roll with it. All right. Add one. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019.

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