God Awful Movies - 22: Gam022 What Would Jesus Do?

Episode Date: January 19, 2016

This week we meet a drifter with a heart of gold and no idea how humanity works. In a small California town with a bafflingly robust homeless population, a Jesus analog enters the lives of six community theater rejects; leaving both the characters and the viewers pondering one simple question... WTF?  Or, as they titled their movie (based on the bracelet of the same name) What Would Jesus Do?---Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from him, check out their Facebook Page. If you'd like to hear more from Anna Phyllis Smith, you can check her website as well.  

The Nobody who made this movie knows how anything works no well and also okay, so all the shit still inside the church Because they immediately afterwards he goes come on everybody this church is open and the chairs are still there the Crucifix is still in there. They were just gonna demolish it with all the fuck with the fridge and the homeless guy was still in there The homeless guy was still in there? Right! The homeless guy was still in there when there were demolishing this building. They did not remove this imploded on him. Oh shit! Not awful!

Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath always a dreamy pleasure to see you a bashful kick what to say and sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. It's throbbingly good to see you too my panties are already in my mouth you always know what to say getting it started early.

Run, I'm falling off. Not quite so much. Listeners that don't belong. So he'd tell us, what are we going to be breaking down today? All right. We watched what would Jesus do? It's a tragic tale of Christian persecution in which several characters must find Jesus in order to overcome immense hurdles like real estate profits, success in the music business and the revival of the local economy. It's just complete nonsense throughout. It's the movie equivalent of listening to that untalented friend

play you that new guitar song he's been working on. It's fucking like Jesus. Jesus wait, wait, Jesus got a flat hole. Jesus on my leg. Wait for 94 minutes. I got a tune again. I got a tune again. Yeah, K. Oh, really, really felt like somebody like a buddy said you should watch my movie. Yeah. So tell us, Eli, how bad was this movie? I'm'm gonna go out on a limb here. Look, it's not the worst-made movie we've watched. It's not the worst idea movie we've watched. And I just like, doesn't present as ideas as point. It doesn't praise Hiroshima or rape. But it is the least enjoyable movie we have watched.

I have never checked the time on anything more often. Literally every 40 seconds I'd be like oh wow it's only been 40 seconds I can't it is nuts this movie is so bad first of all I want you to imagine that it's a normal 80s romcom where they've got to save the ski center but it's about people who don't know how anything in the world works. No, that's right It's like it you know any of those like we got to help our friends make it back to Berkabur Except they're like let's use a map now. Let's use this ham that I inscribed like grandmother's initials on Holy is just people going like our books made out of tears

And all the other characters in this movie react accordingly. He's like, hey, man, I'm just going to sit at this table for a second. No, that's not how anything works. Come on, I'm not hurting anybody. That's not. That's also not matter.

But it's nice that you're not, but thank you. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, this was, I, it was worst. I mean, that there's so many different categories that you could be worst at. And it was worse at a lot of them. So I'm wondering if anybody has any categories that they'd like to nominate this movie for, for like, it's the worst in this category.

For example, knowing how Earth works. Yeah. If you were like an alien got a C on this movie, like this was an alien's report on Earth, and he got a C, they were like, Marklar, what are you doing? This is not so much humor, the behavior. They don't just sit down wherever they were.

And he was like, fuck it, my dad left Okinawa. I really know how to deal with you, Marklar. Oh, Marklar, how do I reach you? Yeah, and also, also, there were so many weird little subplots that never went anywhere or like, I mean, yeah, right, right,

like threads that never got tied together, characters that just showed up for 15 minutes seemed to be central to the movie and then disappeared. They're still introducing characters in hour and 15 minutes into an hour and a half movie. Also transitions. This is the worst movie for transit. This is worse than International Gorilla J

when it comes to transitions. Because the screen would black out like death. It was like an Adler death exercise. Every moment you're like, and you'll be like, oh oh my god the TV's broken No, no that person just just turned off their eye movie and turned it back on Well, what was hilarious is I watch this on Hulu. It's free on Hulu But you have to watch the commercials or whatever and every time a commercial came on I was like oh

Oh, man, Doritos I missed you man those actually my easily my favorite part of the movie was the ads they highlight for sure like there was that one from H&R block with with all the cows and they were so loud and the people couldn't hear each other talking it was delightful yeah it's really great and i had one more uh... category i wanted to nominate this one for this one called uh... headphone horse-shoeing moments

this is because i always want to tell my computer and these are moments where you just like toss your headphones as though you're playing horses you just but you just like oh you gotta be fucking kidding me and you have to throw something and that's the closest thing holy shit there were a lot of those as well Those are what I call the anachameer moments because Anna usually makes it about three minutes in in this movie And then she's like all right. I'm just enough of this I'm gonna go throw our dog against the bedroom wall and then

If there's a moment bad enough in the movie I run into the room and I'm like, Anna come on You gotta see this you gotta see this He's about to let his mom get kicked out of the house to have a seat next to your song, get in here. So fucking stupid. I feel like in honor of this movie, I should just say something about onions and then start the interstitial without warning, but my OCD won't let me skip this segue. So I guess we'll take a quick break and then when we come back it's all

the brand of nonsense and bullshit that is. What would Jesus do? Probably got something to do with that separation of church and state, but if your moral compass is blundering, then like me, you're probably wondering, but modern times really start to stink, and what would an elaborate rabbi think when it comes to the poor and what to do with your sperm Upon an astagogy who didn't know about germs There are people out there who might actually have a clue

But I was saying in order to yield a grazetic The picture on your mother fucker drivers license For useful then to get some credit to? What would Jesus do? Jesus lived today with thinking was crazy. Now I use him as an excuse to be intellectually lazy But it keeps me as as much easier than a record none to Caesar We don't even know if he was real, but fuck me you don't tell me how to feel

What would Jesus do? What a bunch of horses in you blow his mind with a fucking poppin' The thing that you make you look at you Before I got one life and his house was spanned And you can ask and find some of your imaginary friends And he told you stuff you already knew What would Jesus do? Fuck it, moron. What would Jesus do?

Probably try and eat my motherfucking microphone. That's what Jesus would do. And despite our reservations, we're back for the breakdown and in case you were wondering how bad this movie was gonna be It starts as though someone turned the camera on while they were still picking it up. Yeah, exactly The first shot is Lens flare. Yeah, right into the sun. Yeah, exactly. Exactly all the hey people Do you enjoy this movie? It's all the fun of shining a light in your eyes and it's just downhill from there it really is. Lensfare is the high point of this movie because it reminded me of JJ Abrams. Yeah right right exactly for just a second you can pretend you were

watching the Star Trek. So yeah like okay so we get this shot and it's so bizarrely cheap because they're clearly trying to make you think that they've got like a crane But it's actually just a guy walking sideways across a few branches Daniel just walk slower fuck you got okay And so we've got It's just this ridiculous exposition scene to start off we meet dad and his son and they're gonna go for the big fish and trip and mom's pregnant and boy they're gonna be driving late at night, sure hope nothing bad happens to him. Right, exactly, they basically the kid runs out and he's like, hey dad, I'm gonna live

forever, right? You sure are, so let's get in the car. Go get your pregnant mom, I'm sure nothing bad will happen to us along the way and her unborn child who I love just as much as you because it's a person. So they they are driving we cut to them driving and he pulls over on the side of this country road and she's like honey What's the matter? And he's like I realized I forgot to order those bibles for the children's sunday school she's like you don't need to pull over when you remember stuff he's just trying to make you not talk and drive the same time huh is what's going on i sure do hope we die soon because this is an eighty five hour drive

every time you remember that you might have to be so yeah yeah so the kid you know the the kids asleep the mom says boy I sure hope we get there soon these mountain roads are scary and Prototypical white families are killed on them constantly and and he's like honey have faith He's like honey have a little faith Irony and then they're murdered by more lens flare. They all die via lens flare and all of them. And now we can't even get out of this thing without at least mentioning how horrible the music is in this one. Thank you. I really I didn't want to talk about the music in this movie is all for the first time you make love to a strong Apache man, it's not for a film. Littlefoot should be laying you down on a barefoot rug in a teapot somewhere. Oh my god. You definitely

should not be to a Christian movie. If you told me the soundtrack to this movie was written sarcastically, yeah, like they like really got him down on the price and he originally said to grand and then they got him to one and was just like oh, okay, you want me to do a one grand version of the soundtrack They were just like great job. Thanks so much Ricky was like fuck that's gonna be my name on it now Don't soundtrack angry Rick. Don't soundtrack angry now don't soundtrack angry Rick don't soundtrack angry so now we cut to the hospital apparently Johnny Depp and Bill Hader had a baby and he became the doctor in this scene so we see the dad and he's now suffering from makeup of

the face really bad doctor it appears he's got quite a bit of rouge under his eyes You could have make it and the first sign of no one in this movie knows how anything works He's hooked up to machines which are beeping, you know the ones that check your pulse and your blood pressure Yeah, and the doctor is checking his blood pressure Like hey, man, that's what those machines are for. They're just not they're not just ambient noise He's got his little stuff to scope check in the guys heartbeat and you can hear it. Yeah, beat, beat, do that. That's what the beep is. Yeah, trust machines. So as is often the case, the the doctor and the nurse are standing over this comatose man talking about his, his, how his wife and his son died in the car accident and they do it in the

most bizarre way because the nurse is like so did the wife and and son make it and he's like no the wife was pregnant and the baby hung on like oh did the baby make it no no it died too yeah it's this weird moment because he goes she goes and the baby and he's just said the wife and the son died and instead of going yeah baby died too he goes well it was a girl she was born she hung on and then she died and you wanted the nurse to be like oh weird that you would just not say also dead you would feel like we just feel like this is a spin so that moment. We're doctors man what are you doing?

And if you got to stop doing this you know I went to lunch the other day and I was going to get Chipotle, but it was closed. I hate you Steve. I hate you so much. And right away, by the way, Christian movie bingo, the doctor is an evil person. He says, you know, when they got to the hospital, the fetus had faint vital signs and the nurse immediately jumps in. How is the newborn? Newborn being your use of human beings who should have a gun fucking evil scientist medicine wizard get a right voting gun so now we got to three years later where greatest American hero but fat is getting out of a truck in some shit whole town. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. So, thanks for the ride. This looks like good drifting weather. I think I'll get out here. Yeah. There's a lot of people drifting around. It's beautiful.

I just farted in your car. I'm going to get out now. Now, okay. So we got to spend a minute on this character because in a sense, he's the main character. Oh, he's talking about normal size Peter Dinklage. Yes, I know. Exactly what this person looks like. He's just Peter Dinklage. If he was in a little person.

There you go. You pick her in that, because that's who this person is exactly. That's the guy, yeah. So now this character, by the way, never gets a name in the movie. And to the point where like on IMDB, he's just listed as the drifter right okay so then he's getting out of the truck now apparently some guy has given him a ride or whatever and I'm

the way out of the truck he's like don't forget what we talked about and the dude that's giving him the ride is like here take some money I'm like is there a non gay sex way to interpret this scene and like well what happened before this yeah also he's got five crumpled ones he's not offering him a lot of money no please man take this take this seven dollars you can get a five dollar foot long you know after taxes and shit and he's like no no I can't take any money because I'm gonna spend the next 40 minutes desperately seeking money yeah right but in much less appropriate ways this is far too cordial I'm gonna wait outside of people's offices and surprise ask them for jobs

uh... so fucking weird okay so now he walks by the two ugliest humans america has to offer and we're gonna linger on them for a while uh... but when we first meet them they're talking about well dammit there's been more for closures this week and the other guy said well when they elect me mayor i'm gonna bring economic prosperity to this town right and i just want to put this out here sent this is the sentence that the mayor so the mayor is the bad guy in this

movie well the wannabe mayor is running for the white right the guy who is running for mayor and his character ranges anywhere from civil servant trying to do his best to bond level volcano layer villains. Yes, but with no motivation either way. No, he just shifts. And with no reason. If this character had schizophrenia, like if we saw a scene where he goes home and his wife, like comes out of the closet with a kitchen knife and she's like, are you on your pills today?

And he's like, yep, she's like, all right, fine, here you go. This character's motivations and actions would make sense, but since we don't have that scene He's fucking crazy also can we talk about the guy he the real estate guy that he's talking to because I've never seen a human being whose eyes Looked so upset to be trapped in that face. Yeah guy looks like his tongue is gonna shoot out any instant and grab a fly I was worried about him being so far from his fucking heating lamp those things are cold blooded anyway so yeah so rango in the fucking mayor are wandering around through a town full of homeless white people right this tiny town in the middle of california has a 90% homeless population at least at least

and everyone's decanse and everyone's got like mud smeared on their face despite their white people in crisp clean clothes right and i'm sorry okay we we've all lived in new york i've seen a lot of homeless people i've never seen a homeless person with mud smeared on their head yeah no there's seven homeless people on the walk to my bodega uh... and none of them are chimney sweeps

Strangely enough So now we got to a church where The guy from before that that has family killed is a pastor with all of Sam Harris's warm inflections or whatever Strayed this fucking thing going like I don't know the fuck the Jesus shit is anymore. I don't right and for the rest of this movie until about 20 minutes before the end, this guy's acting note was Drupidog, but you know, on downers. Yeah, right. Can you give me Huckleberry Hound if he was trying to fight off a roofie?

You know what I'm talking about? Ben's dying. Ben's dying, giving a eulogy. Yeah, Ben's dying, giving a eulogy. Yeah, Ben Stein giving a eulogy. Oh my god. Also, just physical appearance wise, this is one of the ugliest human beings we've had in movies. If you're wondering what this guy looks like,

and you haven't watched the movie yet, I'll give you an image of the rapist defense lawyer. That's what you got. Just imagine the rapist defense lawyer. And oh, and by the way, this is another theme of this movie. And I wrote down the times here at six minutes and 35 seconds into this movie, we get our first flashback to earlier in this movie. Yes, we're going to do that constantly.

I was about to say, if you're wondering, hey, do we get to watch the beginning of this movie twice? Yes, we fucking do. Yeah. Because they got to 33 minutes and they were like, shit, I guess we better have everyone think about the times that they saw at the beginning of this movie, huh? And indeed they fucking do. No movie has ever reminded me of itself this often. Yeah, unbelievable. And then he just

kind of wanders off into his office and and wrango the fucking lizard person from earlier is like, pastor is that it and he yells fuck off and they only yeah it's amazing best are we done go suck a dick I mean we're good we can leave so so now we go back to Robert Redford's heroin nephew Drifter guy and he wanders by the mayor is out or the one of you may or mr. York is out there Uh, doing some kind of campaign rally with like for like three people Yes, there's four people and they clap after every sentence. He said yeah I am gonna run for mayor

And it's really yeah, so clearly just three people clapping right We just created a much larger applause than happened in the movie. Well, and also I love that, and they do this several times in the movie where the movie is not being micred correctly or they don't understand how micring works so that like the people in the foreground when their conversation has to drift to the background, the people actually start talking quieter. Yeah, they're like, oh, we've been everywhere. Yeah, it's hilarious. It's just fucking horrible. I noticed that right away because the mayor is like he's

doing his speech and then when he goes to thank everybody, now we're supposed to be like focused on the drifter and what he's saying. So all of a sudden he starts going, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your honor. Because the drifter in his first in his first inappropriate action of the movie not his last goes up and whispers into someone's ear and then

where's the nearest homeless shelter around here and the answer is not all my fucking god what the hell who are you you don't just like my ear and he's like oh yeah it's just down the street there used to be one right over there so slow motion jimmy kimmel's like now that my wife and kid are dead We don't church anymore. I just sit here in my office and Watch my clock count down

And he's like he does he gives him this little spiel and he's gonna do this a million times He gives him this little spiel where he goes. I'm good with my hands. I can build I can strengthen hold you while you fall asleep I'll hold you up in my arms I'll lift you up in its air and everyone's like hey man we don't have any jobs for you here and he's like I'm a good person that's lovely what are you doing right I'm honest but we're supposed to when we see this in the movie we're supposed to look at fucking the drifter guy and go oh man he's just trying to get by why don't anybody give him a job Somebody give him two bits to Moa long come on. Yeah, right?

I remember back in my day People would just come to your front lawn and say hey, sir Can I stay in your basement for a shiny a shoe and you'd say why gum be Yeah again the beginning of everyone in this movie not understanding how anything going on and by the way the pastor reacts normally He's like yeah, I'm really sorry. We can't do that. That's not how it works and a series of people will act that way to this man's insane Behavior and all of them will have flashbacks like like it's the Jody Foster fucking scene. They raped him on top of a pinball machine like it's the Jody Foster fucking scene, they raped him on top of a pinball machine. But no, they were just like,

hey man, I don't magically create jobs in exchange for goods and services. It's not fucking Anatefka. So yeah, so he quotes some bible on the way out of the door. And then we cut to this real um, to this real estate office where the bipedal lizard before is meeting with, uh, good. Cruella to villain. Butterface. Okay. Yeah. That'll work. That'll work. Uh, and, and as soon as you saw Butterface, you're like, she's supposed to be pretty, isn't she? You can tell by the

way they're, the way they dress her. Yeah. Exactly. She's the beautiful one. Yeah, yeah, and they have to tell you. Right. Exactly. So basically what this is, because you don't get this until three quarters to the way through the movie. So I'm going to help people out here. The daughter and the mother had a rich dad who died and left them lots of money. And they own real estate with lizard man. and they own real estate with lizard man. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that they are having a meeting about how, and this is the main push of this movie,

they're gonna close the old church. Remember that one we just saw that only had three people in it? Yeah. And the pastor ended his sermon by being like, fuck off! I'm jerking off in here! Remember that church? That's the church. They're gonna close that down. Oh no! Anyways, they're gonna turn off in here. Remember that church? That's the church. They're gonna close that down. Oh no, anyways, they're gonna close that down

and build a newer nicer one. They're gonna close where. Right, so what they're going to do is not destroy the church, they're going to move the church. The one that has no attendance. They're moving that church and they're replacing it with a hotel and casino now

There's a couple of questions that come up. First of all how large a hotel and casino fits into that church That's an awfully large church. You're gonna need a little bit more room. Yeah, it's a it's a $500,000 property They tell you they're gonna put a casino on a quarter acre with a small building. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's more of a hotel It's more of a bed and breakfast casino But look this sounds like a great Non-evil idea, right? I mean you've got a town full of people with no fucking jobs No, everybody's getting kicked out of their homes because they can't pay the fucking rent Sam hey hotel casino sounds like that'd be great or any other thing that would bring jobs into the town

Yeah, sounds like that would be great But we're supposed to hear the word casino and just go oh that evil little fucker Mmm. Oh no, and there's this moment where they go put gambling illegal here And I had a realization oh the protagonists of this movie are gonna be the people who don't allow dancing in footloos Yes, that's the good The poor Kevin comes is the movie. So it's like the pre-Kevin Bacon town is the protagonist of this film.

And don't worry, we will get a bulldozer standoff at some point. Oh, yes. Oh my gosh, guys, guys, the pastor, wait a second. The pastor's wife and child were killed in a car accident what if this movie is a prequel to but this. It's a pastor who goes around. Yeah, he takes over the town.

He to oh my god this movie is a prequel to footless. Oh, it makes so much worse every now. It's amazing. I fixed it. All right. Awesome. movies are prequel to Follies. Now there's also one more thing that we're doing Follies. I love it. So then the the mayor walks out of the office and and regular size, dinglige gets like bumps by him or whatever and it goes all slow mo and it's it I guess we're supposed to believe that he has like Bruce Willis's powers from unbreakable and he can now sense that the mayor's evil or something

Yeah, they just I fuck each other. I thought they were both gonna pull out swords and be like you are the seven finger They just and I just wrote my notes. Well, that was rude of both of you Yeah, nobody even says excuse me or sorry or anything so So then I guess he's going into that real estate office the drifter guy to ask them for a job Right, he's gonna do this for quite a while But it's so fucking bizarre the way that this scene plays out because he's like he walks in He's like, yeah, can I have a job? And they're like, aren't you just some smelly homeless guy that wandered in off the street? Yep

Yeah, can I have a job? You're like, aren't you just some smelly homeless guy that wandered in off the street? Yep. Yep, I'm honest. I can fix things. Yeah, we're a real estate office. We don't really have a lot of needs. Fixings. Fixings.

And he's already running out of his old, timey phrases about looking for work. When I lack an experience, I make up for an gumption and moxie and hootspots. I'll chop a quarter wood for a bowl of turnips. All right, well, this is a real estate, we don't still have. Still a real estate offer, still the year 2000. We don't chop wood or have turnips. Yeah, it's like the room.

I can shine your shoes for a nickel. I'm wearing high heels, shine them. Oh, shine them. So very clearly and reasonably, she's like, hey, a guy who wandered in off the street, you can't just come in and ask for a job, I need you to leave. Mm-hmm.

And he's like, or I'm gonna call the cops, which by the way, if you're a woman and a strange guy wanders into your office without permission, he's like, hey, I don't look over a job. It's a little bit strange, but it's not crazy to be like, hey, I might need to call the cops if you don't leave. I'm asking you to leave.

And he's like, I'm not hurting anybody. There's no creepier way to make yourself threatening than when someone says, hey, you need to leave or I'll call the cops to be like, what are you going to call the cops for? That's what bad guys in the purge do. That's what someone, that's what funny game starts like. That's not how nor if someone ever, if I ever walked into someone and they were like hey you need to leave her I'll call the cops. I would be like oh my gosh. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you need to call the god damn cops I mean I would probably be a dick about it more than likely

But I'd be a dick on the way out of the door I'd be like hey fuck you Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pippie Pipp-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p You would get murder-raped so fast in my city. You would get there would be a homeless people we were crossing each other, paths out the door. Oh man, did you just murder rape him? Yeah, he's already murder-raped. Oh, damn it. I'll just fuck the corpse. Don't worry about him.

You need help carrying that TV. Nobody in the world should behave the way in this movie is instructing you to behave. The world is full of monsters and dragons and we have assigned certain people to take care of those who need help and everyone else you should step over and let them die in the streets. If they're gonna die they better do it. Movies don't behave the way they tell you to. Someone will fuck your dead eyes. This movie is just a formula of how to get your dead eyes fucked. Yes. So now we have to introduce terrible guitar music which will be pivotal to this film. Okay, so look, here you need the description of how this guy looks, this character, he's the musician. You know the girl Nickelback

raped. That's what the kid looks like. There you go. He's just a sperm of all the members of Nickelback. I'm not saying the only, I'm sure Nickelback has raped many people. I'm feeling like they have not even taken any time. Legitly, because it's certain, right? Bill Cosby probably did at least one of those rapes and so did Nickelback. Yeah.

And this guy is very obviously the child of one of those rapes. Yeah. And he sounds like it. Oh my god. Yeah. So he's playing his three-chord wonder at some coffee shop. And homeless guy walks by and he's drawn to this shitty music. So he just wanders into the coffee shop and sits down at a table

until a waitress reminds him that he's on planet earth Right, and you just can't just walk into a fucking restaurant and sit at a table without ordering food Listen buddy, you got to go. This isn't the free Homeless coffee shop. You're thinking of the one the church used to have before God murdered the pastors entire family You're right exactly Hey, man, this isn't Starbucks. You can't just like, come on. We don't keep homeless people here. It's not like a homeless people fish tank.

That's right. Like apparently he's straight from bedrock too, because again, she says, I'm sorry sir, if you're not eating or drinking, you can't sit there. And he's like, I'm not hurting anybody. No, but he keeps saying that. He keeps saying I'm not hurting anybody. No, but he keeps saying that he keeps saying I'm not hurting anybody which is fucking terrifying I've never said I'm not hurting anybody as an excuse for someone asking me to leave in my entire life

That's what someone who's about to hurt someone says I'm reminded of the Chris Rockman like you want a cookie Right, you're not supposed to hurt anybody and so when the big guy comes over and he's like, hey man, did you intimidate my waitress when she asked you to leave for not ordering any food and trying to sit here for free? And he's like, give me a job. And he's like, let me think about it. No.

No homeless man who obviously doesn't understand on the world works. I'm a good person. I'm not hurting anybody. I haven't shatting my hand and thrown in it. You're great. All right. Exit's right behind you. Oh shit. So yeah, so he leaves and as he's leaving the record label guys come in to see the guitarist. And the record label producer looks like if Jordan Peele pretended to be Lenny Kravitz.

Like he saw Lenny Kravitz in the Hunger Games movie and he was like, that's a good look. That's what I'm gonna dress like when I'm not doing K&B else. That's what the producer looks like. They were like, they hired a brown guy and they were like, great, but we don't want you to be like a black record producer

because that would be racist. So can you be like, I don't know, what's not black? And they were like, he was like Lenny Kravitz Yeah, he's not black right I mean he's half that's fine. Yeah do him open your unbutton your shirt all the way Yeah, right and this guy is leaving a trail of fucking hair grease like a slug behind him just yeah, it's As as cliche as could possibly be so they're here to sign this guitarist guy to a to a contract. And they sit down and order food and beverages. Yes. They are supposed to like people who sit at restaurants.

Two drinks and two foods, please. One of each. He has this moment where he goes, there's a sign outside, says you have the best apple pie in town. And she's like, we sure do. And and he's like give me one of those and you're just like okay So you just need to fill some time while we got the scripture music in the background. What's going on? He apparently ask her how it's made. So do you do like a lattice crust? You just like top it with a puff pastry? Talk to me Sorry music. Yeah, we do emerald as well we also do emerald yeah there

was a lot of that this movie like why the fuck was that here yeah exactly so so the guy the guitarist guy sits down to talk to him and he's like wow you guys record Christian music and the other guy goes no no and by the way let's point out here producers music producers hate Christian music they hate Christian because of how much fucking money it makes them for no goddamn content yeah I'm not a music producer I love Christian rock if someone was like hey man do you want to sign faith with a why I'd be like fuck yes I'm a stupid Country music with Jesus switched out for baby and pay me eight million dollars a day The correct answer here is you guys record Christian music

Well only if you don't make it in secular music first, but sure yeah sure. I'll make Christian off fucking me I got a mic listen if people can hear me. I'll make Christian music I feel about it and they make these two guys out to be so evil too. They're like, all right, can you sing some songs that are not about Jesus and singing or doing things? Like, you mean like, child porn music? And they're like, exactly, like child porn music. We find it's more commercially viable.

Yeah, more commercially viable. We're going for a slightly rapier blurred lines. Like rapier blurred lines It's called there were very clear lines Shit, but then we cut to him telling his his mama that he done signed him a big old contract he's gonna be rich. They're all gonna be happy. Right, and his mom, they're about to be evicted from their house. This is very important. He comes home, he's like, Mom, I didn't.

We're not gonna be evicted and we can afford food now. And she's like, oh, what a blessing. By the way, his advance is $10,000, which is so sad. So sad. So sad, how little these people know the big music producers come and they're like, he go kid a $10,000 event in powerball tickets. Well, in a two, he goes like again, showing how little this movie knows about reality, he goes, $10,000, mom, we're going to be rich.

And I'm like, yeah, for most of June, a 10,000, I mean, you're still going to get evicted in a couple months. Right. They need the drifter guy to help argue against the eviction like listen I know you want us to pay rent, but we're just sleeping in this building and keeping all our stuff here We're not hurting anyone. We're not bothering you. We're not hurting anything We are again not hurting anyone. We've heard heard a whole bunch of people You saw those teenagers in San Bernardino did that. I rest my case. I rest my case

You saw those teenagers in San Bernardino did that arrest my case arrest my case Well, and also like and this comes up constantly in the movie because like I wrote down in my notes here For the first of dozens of times is this movie communist are they promoting communism? Right because if they are that would make sense if if this movie at the very end They like they pulled the red flag up like battleship Potemkin or something this movie would make fucking sense but it doesn't anyway. Yeah, so then he breaks it to mom that he might have to sing some real songs and she reacts to other people's songs like he says anal fistings. I might have my own little anal fisting. Other songs like I don't introduce are there other songs?

I've heard of this song freras y'all but I heard it was just a myth just a myth door they move door making my son I might warm up slowly to this but very slowly yeah yeah you move I'll stay here breathed so now we get the we go back to some nambuallistic preacher man right and his i don't know secretary do we have i don't think we ever see this lady again in the movie do we yeah exactly we just now we have alan rickman it's on

yeah but right now him and alan rickman are looking about exactly the same that you can't see that she goes hey pastor you got three phone calls while you're gone that help characterized your level of grief Ridiculous was to it and she's like well, you're really depressed Why don't you go pray with a dying woman or go to this funeral? That I don't get your mind off of your dead family. She says they held the funeral as long as they could and they're very Disappointed I wanted her so bad to be like you know they held it as long as they could but grandpa're very disappointed. And I wanted her so bad to be like, you know, they held it as long as they could,

but grandpa started to smell and they were just like, he's swelling up and he's gonna pop. So we might as well just stuff him in the ground. Listen, people, I've had enough dead bodies in my apartment to know that you get three days max. And they swell up like Rosie O'Donnell in the second season. You know what I'm talking about? Oh shit. And of course, he's getting evicted too. This is when he gets the letter to tell me They swell up like Rosie O'Donnell in the second season. You know talking about it. Oh

Shit and of course he's getting evicted to this is when he gets the letter to tell me so we got 10 days to get out of the church Yeah, I'm sorry when foreclosures happen you don't get kicked out in 10 days No, you don't know it. Die out of the way of wrecking ball. It's low It's not how that works at all. No There's a letter in the mail that says this message and this building will self-destruct now now that's a so now we're going to cut over the newspaper to see the first attractive person in

this whole fucking movie which is the black Jonah blackerson that's her that's her that's her that's her that's her that's her that's her that's her that's her pictures of spider-man and

This lady will not be winning an Oscar no no she could be white still not happening no She's talking hey by the way congratulations whites. We did it again This is not fair can I have the best phrase? White men everywhere because like okay, cuz like creed got nominated and so did We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race.

We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race.

We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best race. We have the best There's probably not a lot to eat that's not like chicken or water. Oh, yeah. I literally spent 40 minutes, 40 minutes just going through comments sections on articles about that and just being like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I'm so stupid. Because it's just the Facebook comment is the greatest thing that's happened. Because now you get to click on their profile and see like Dale from Kay Khan Kentucky says fuck him if they could act they'd win an ox for God. Shit. It works at school of hard knocks. Yeah, right.

Right, exactly. So she's getting pictures from the sleazy paparazzi guy that every small town in California has. It's the same pictures over and over again and none of these people could actually have pictures of people fucking. It's two women laughing. And what a life. Like a guy talking to someone in a hoodie. I assume he's supposed to be buying drugs.

Yeah. Right. But they're making such a big deal about these big. It's like he's giving her pictures of Steven Avery raping and murdering like Chelsea Manning or something. It makes no sense. Well, and two, it's like, it's like the's giving her pictures of Stephen Avery raping and murdering like Chelsea Manning or something. It makes no sense. Well, and two, it's like, it's like the New York Times doing the report on the Charlie Hebdo cover, but not showing it or whatever, because they're talking about these pictures as though it's a big

fucking deal, but they give you no idea what these pictures are. They are so, so much. Oh, they're so pictures. They are so so much Picture you these are gonna change the way we look at these pictures So then you know listen I I have found a job or two in my lifetime and the way that I find his best is to wait at the side door of a business The employee exit and when they come out go hey, give me a job door of a business. The employee exit. And when they come out go, hey, give me a job. Give me a job at your newspaper. I'm not hurt anybody. That's what normal size Peter Dinklage does. He waits at the employee exit. And when she's walking out, he's like,

hey, give me a job. And she's like, oh, and she doesn't even say no. This is what's fucking crazy. That's how good this character is. She goes, do you have any newspaper experience? Homeless man wearing nothing but camo? And he's like good this character is. She goes, do you have any newspaper experience? Homeless man wearing nothing but Camo and he's like, no. And she's like, well then you probably can't work in a newspaper can you? And he's like, oh, I'm not hurting you. I need anyone to work a lathe. I can work a lathe. Build you a key rack for the front door. built you built you a key rack for the front door. Got this, got this two by four in a bucket of water.

I'll carry him around inside your office. I'm gonna honest guy, you guys got a Gutenberg in there? We're gonna test for it. I got tiny hands just like a children that probably work in your factory. I'm all about it. I'm not into that yellow journalism. Don't worry about it.

Y'all, I don't care how the sausage is made. I can't show. So then we go to, we cut to, I don't care how the sausage is made. I guess so. So then we go to, we cut to, he's getting food in the homeless people line. And Mr. York, the guy who's running from air who's supposed to be the quintessential evil character, is the first person that we see in this movie who's actually doing anything at all

for this enormous homeless population. He's out there giving him food, but it's just a photo op, see. He's getting his picture taken with the homeless people But he is giving them food whether or not it is just a photo up He is the only person keep in mind. We have several protagonists already who are doing nothing for the poor the The church something for the poor he's looking the church. Yeah, remember the church He went in and he was like hey, can I have some food or help? And he was like, no, sorry my wife and kid died

I gave up on all I gave up on that life But the mayor is giving people food and of course homeless guy comes and He's like hey, here's some food. Thanks for coming and he's like these people don't need food And I wrote in my notes. Nope. They need food. They look like they need food No, okay, so then the mayor guy and the drifter guy have this bizarre fucking conversation They need food. They love this. Exactly. They need food. Yeah. Okay, so then the mayor guy and the drifter guy have this bizarre fucking conversation. And you can tell the mayor character is evil because he's correct, but it basically goes like this.

The guy says, these guys don't need food. They need Jesus. And the mayor says, yeah, you've got Jesus. How's that working for you, homeless guy that's in this line trying to get food? And the bomb goes, well, I don't know, but I get to go to space, Disneyland, Disneyland, that's in this line trying to get food and the bum goes well I don't know but I get to go to space Disneyland Disneyland that's right I want to wait in the lines or anything and the mayor just looks stumped Well, he doesn't look stuck. Yeah, space. He reacts. Oh no, I react which is a huh fun. All right well then

Take this invisible escalator behind these stairs But then unlike how Eli reacts He hires someone to kill that guy now don't put words in my mouth because I have reacted I find the next person in line Exactly it's just the next guy in line he goes you are by any chance the It's just the next guy in line. He goes, you are by any chance the physically violent, homeless mercenary that I spoke to on LinkedIn, are you? Oh, you're not out of here.

I saw her, you endorsed me. For ruffin' up fellow drifters. Yeah, thanks so much, man. I really appreciate it. Yeah, I'm the one. Yeah, perfect, perfect. Do me a favor, go beat up that other homeless guy for me. Yeah, no problem.

So here's their negotiations. I'll give you 50 bucks. Let me see the money. Right. And then he goes 20 now and 50 when you're done. And the guy's like, that is 70. No, he isn't actually. So I also want to point out, again, these people have no idea how,

like I don't know if anybody on this call has ever hired anyone to beat anyone up for them or anything like that But you don't get much for 50 bucks You know you get up a little deal. It's interviews over. I didn't realize we were gonna go into this Retainer you couldn't get somebody spitballed for fucking 50 dollars with 20 up front so yeah But now the movie makes no attempt to explain this whatsoever. We're just supposed to accept that for no reason,

this guy is now hiring a bomb that he's never met to beat up another bomb that he's never met because he talked about Jesus. Yeah, I guess he just really doesn't like being profilatized to listen. I don't like those little old Spanish ladies in my subway platform who hand me the the watch tower But I don't ever pay a homeless guy to beat him up. No I mean, it's maybe worth maybe worth yeah

Can I say man? So yeah, and also it's not at all clear. Again, I'm sorry to anybody who doesn't have as much experience hiring bum hitman, but he doesn't make it at all clear what he wants to happen to this guy. Yeah, he's like, why don't you take him out of town? Yeah, like a team or a little bit more clarity.

Murder or just like rough, a stroll. Do we just take a stroll? It's like a walk, is that what you mean? Like we walk together to the coffee shop? I'm everywhere. I'm all about this like pinky and pinky Perfect So now he's wandering through town and he comes across the the guitar player from earlier who is apparently Sitting on the street corner playing his guitar, which that makes sense in a sense I mean, it's a bummy fucking town. There's obviously no busking potential going there but then we find out

that he's writing a new song now if you've ever written a new song you know that's not something you would do on a god damn street corner you'd annoy the fuck out of everyone including yourself la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la E minor C. He knew all three chords though. That's all three of them. And that's I mean that's he's Jesus obviously Yeah, and he's going like holy shit man That would work we didn't say holy shit cuz nobody swears in this movie But he goes ad work great and one of my songs do you mind if I use GE minor and C or do you have some kind of a copy right there? Yeah, like he's fucking Mozart. Yeah, oh god So then they start writing the, what would Jesus do song?

Yep. That'll come back. Anyway, so then they, A little song I wrote, the homeless trifter, it's not a big deal. I'd like to play for you guys. It's got all three chords.

So exactly, I've represented them all in the last. He's a chord or a horse, okay. These chords are a horse. I'm gonna play this for you guys, but if I see anyone taking notes, I will take you down So he's wandering around you get to and by the way the homeless people in this movie are just like zombies in the background Again almost every scene. There's like two homeless people just shambling along

Pushing up against defense I can't move this place to eat and eat. No, it's not hurting anyone. But that's okay, because this guy, because Blondie's walking along and he gets grabbed by the mugger and the mugger pulls him into the corner and he's like, hey man, we would prefer if you weren't here. We don't mind. It's the most polite threat you've ever heard. Maybe you want to move along. Perhaps I could take you to lunch first

on a dinner. Do you enjoy tapas? But then he he built Clinton's him. The Drifter Bill Clinton's the heavy. I guess I don't know he feels He's born Oh Jason Barnes. Yeah, this is not the bum you're looking for is what he does no okay So this is the This is such a quintessentially bizarre moment. Okay, I have to set this up We could not do justice to how stupidly bizarre this is so I have to play you the clip So this is okay drifter bomb just got attacked by a bomb that the mayor

hired and he's about to beat him up or something, but he doesn't because this happens. You feel my pain? You don't know me! I've been where you are. What? Who are you? I'm somebody who's no threat to you, somebody who understands. What do you mean? I've walked where you walk. So it's literally like Jedi mind powers You're more or less And first I was like oh he's out crazy him he's like crazy. I he's like I've won

Where you've been in the light and I'm like I get it. I live in New York City. You got to out crazy sometimes Gotta pull the Robin Williams goodwill hunting thing on the guy too So you don't want to hear that I got fucking cigarettes put out I mean, it's not your fault. It's not your fault Spins it on him. No, you man. Not you crazy other bum. So now we cut back to the church the empty church with like four fucking people in it and The the guitarist guys they're singing about Jesus and homeless Haley Joe Lawsman is also the church singer I guess yes and then the

Pastor Prozac wanders up after he's done with his song. He's like I have bad news everyone our church It's gonna get raped by a dinosaur And we're all gonna die and not only is the church closing But I am no longer gonna be your minister and I want it so bad someone in the back to be like Yeah, right, but he tells them now they're gonna build a new church so like Um, but yeah, right, but he tells them now they're gonna build a new church. So like Nothing actually is happening that we should get pissed off about or anything. Get a minister who gives a shit Yeah, right, right. Also. I'm a terrible

Terrible terrible pastor. So I'm gonna let somebody else do it and also I want to point out the homeless drifter guy Who is sat in all the places you're not allowed to sit does not feel okay with going inside and sitting in the church? The one place you're allowed to go in and sit down He could go in and sit down, but he's like no, no, I don't want to be rude. I'm not hurting anybody I'm gonna not not kick people over here. Well, I think it's I think what it what it is is that he's like wait wait I got to wait until this is horribly inappropriate right Right, he's not supposed to go in yes when when everyone is quietly praying He comes in and he's like all right my turn to give a Minister

Minister now also I all the sudden have coughing now also i all the sudden have coughing yes yes no point in all in this movie as it even been hinted if you had any reason to think that this guy sick but now all of a sudden he can't get through four words without cost somebody needs to get that guy a fucking lashing first cancer

ridiculous get him a halls he's so uh... yeah so he storms in there and he and he starts gilting everybody because it just so happens that the four people were in this church Are also the four people he asked for a job or whatever right and he's like you guys didn't give me a job Because I'm the kind of crazy fucked it would wander into the middle of a church and do exactly what I'm doing right now And he goes would Jesus abandon his congregation? I'm like, well, there was that whole wandering in the desert thing. Not like he called it a substitute during

that one. That's what Jesus did. I don't know what he was doing. Yeah. So what he was all about. So, but that's his big message here. The guy, the homeless guy, you know, calls them all out for their meaningless sins, one by one, and it lingers on the character. Would he make music that leads young people astray Would he paint newspapers pictures of two women laughing? Would he own a real estate? Would he be a strong for make transactions in the economy right well, and also like I'm sorry Did Jesus take a position on running tabloid photos or singing secular music? I just read that fucking book

I don't remember those topics coming up. Right, exactly. So, and he says, I just wanna ask you one simple question on I wrote, I wonder what the one simple question is gonna be. I can't wait. Does anyone here have a job? I'm not hurting anybody.

And then he dies. Prince. Oh, he's fantastic. Crazy billionaire money. Crazy billionaire. He's got damn powerful. And none of our listeners did, I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy.

I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy.

I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy.

I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. I'm going to be a guy. Only buying odd numbers. So yeah, so he asks, come on one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine. So yeah, so finally like he says, you know, I'm the one simple question, what would Jesus do? Cough cough die. He doesn't die, he just passes out, but you know, and then everybody is concerned with him.

And I figured honestly that this was, because he couldn't find anywhere to sleep or whatever that is like i'd i want to a church in calf really fake in pass out they'll they'll give me a place to lay down right in the next flash cut is just him jerking off under a blanket you're right you know they've called the doctor because apparently this is a town where doctors do house calls also a town where when someone passes out and has cancer and shit, you just keep them in the back room. You don't take them to a hospital or anything.

Right, and they ask that. They like, hey, is he gonna go to the hospital? And he's like, no, doctor says not to bother. Just, you know, put him in a box in the garage and then poke some holes in the top. Let him, let him go. He should go his own way. And then we'll do a little burial but a little popsicle stick

and i'll probably not so i want to point out here alright for the rest of this movie this guy is not going to regain consciousness until the very last he's going to be just for for what we're supposed to consider it's it's like an eight or nine day period

that he's laying in the back of this fucking church or whatever. No IV, no food, he must be. No water just covered in his own shit. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. It hasn't changed his clothes at all. Nothing. So, yeah, that's how it works in this universe.

Right. Also, by the way, because they think because they're like, he's in the final stages of cancer. Because apparently cancer has levels like candy, crush, or whatever. Yeah, exactly. also by the way because they think because they're like he's in the final stages of cancer because apparently cancer has levels like candy crush or whatever. Yeah, exactly. His cancer combined a sprinkle ball and one of those strippy candies. So it's just a mess. It's just a mess in his body.

The strippy candy. Taken shit out left and right. So then the black news lady shows up because she says the thing in the church was troubling when the guy came in and passed out. Right. When it was. And she's like, well, yeah, but that, but for, but she's disturbed for the wrong reason. Because she's like, you know, he came looking for work. And I acted like a sane person. That was a mistake, wasn't it? And the pastor's like, yes, because this is a Christian movie. Right. And she has PTSD from it. She has a

flashback to it. Yeah. Another fucking. And yeah, she's given us such a like a B minus community theater monologue about this whole thing. And this is where we get, I would say the best piece of advice in the movie, the pastor says, you sound depressed. You should get some professional help. Like honestly, like speaking to a bartender would be more useful than speaking to the others. And she said, I wrote in my notes,

you should seek professional help. You pastor. Everyone involved in this movie, not just the characters, but everyone involved in this movie. The script, right. Everybody. And black newsletter responds, aren't you a professional? And he's like, no, no. but everyone in the script everybody and uh... black news lady responds

aren't you a professional and he's like no no i know i'm not even a best or anymore so my magical powers of nothing or gone anyways so i can i don't even have the title i'm now just a guy not even pretending to be not a guy well the correct answer here when she says, well, isn't that what I'm doing right now is no and conflating the two even in a movie should be illegal. Right. Yeah. Exactly. The message of this movie, the message that this movie is is sending

right now is that when you're depressed or have mental illness, you should go see a pastor, go see a pastor. That should not be legal. I mean, think about it. Think about it. That would not be legal. If it think about it. Think about it. That would not be legal if it was if it was any other medical problem. Like it would be right. If if you had a movie where you were actually telling people, no, no, no, if you have cancer, you go see a pastor, not a doctor. That would be illegal. But for some fucking reason, because it's mental illness, it's okay in this stupid fucking movie. You're not a shrink anymore than you're a fucking brain surgeon If we did an interstitial about someone who's like oh, man I think I've got bronchitis and it was like you should Facebook message Eli and I'd be like, I don't know man sounds okay to me

That would be irresponsible Plans pretend does not make you a person who's worthy of advice right so but I guess she's all upset that the church is gonna close down So she hands him a check for twenty five thousand dollars, right? And he's like oh, it's gonna take a lot more than this And I'm like even my mouth's 2.5 times the amount someone gets for a rock music contract is there So if we're if we're quitting here. Yeah, yeah, just so you understand how much money is worth in this world. So like I'm thinking to myself, okay, they're behind by more than 25 grand on their mortgage here. And they're just now getting evicted. Well done guys, good talking.

They must have kept coming in for the money in the past year, which is just be like, I'm sorry, but I'm not hurting anyone. So have you noticed that I haven't heard anybody? All right, fine, we'll give you two more weeks. And this is where she has this one, where she goes, past her, have you lost your faith? And I went, good, now you can get therapy, and get better, and get a real job.

Try staples, work at staples. Do the copy and print stuff. Yeah, you just walk in and remind them that you're not hurting anyone, and they'll give you a job. That's how it. You're hurting everybody fine, you're in your postage. Go over there. I knew that would work. By the way, the memo on the check for 25 grand that you gave, did you guys see what it

said? No. No. WJD. Oh, you know, you snuck it right in there. How about that shit? And she says, well, we've got to do something to try to save the church. And he's like, I don't think that's possible. And she says, you told me before that with God anything is possible, you can even telekennatically nuke the Japanese.

Right. Exactly. And he's like, yeah, all fun and game until your kid dies. And she's like, oh, all right, I'm going back to work. Oh, it's dark. That was dark faster. And she also says, like, I remember some melts you taught us too. That was dark, faster. And she also says like, I remember some melts you taught us too. And then he cuts off his again. No, that was bullshit. I was a pastor. Everything I taught you was complete bullshit. Yeah, they're just crackers.

We buy them in bulk. Made in Mexico. How's that make you feel? Mexico. So now we, so apparently we're gonna follow this character now for a while so now we're back at the at the newspaper office so that secular people can be evil more right well the mayor brings her more pictures more of the exact same pictures by the way obviously because we see the two women laughing again yeah so we learned that the pictures she's

been getting the scandalous pictures are from the mayor. Right. And the mayor has brought her more pictures of sinned. And he wants her to print them. And look, okay, so up to this point, as near as we can tell anyway, he's running unopposed for mayor. Right. Right, they never hinted at the any, so they don't bother to explain what these are pictures of or why he wants them in the newspaper. Because they're not pictures of the other person in the race or anything.

It's just he's evil, so he's bringing evil pictures to the newspaper lady and demanding that she print them in the news paper. As a hobby, separate from the label. Apparently, it's just for a dozen of his free time. So, but she's, she has PTSD from that homeless guy who she didn't give a job to so she says no and he goes Don't go soft to me now the Eli Bosnick story But she does she says no Yeah, and even throws the sin pictures away. Yeah

So now we have to go back in and check up check up with a strong jaw and her mom Where it where at their house now? now well she's i guess also having homeless passing out coughing cancer guy flashbacks where and she has a conversation with her mom and her mom gives absolutely great answers the entire time yes yet she's like i don't know i feel like we shouldn't build the casino because gambling is evil and she's like, I don't know, I feel like we shouldn't build the casino because gambling is evil and she's like, no, it's not it's fine It's gonna bring you jobs gonna make people be able to live their lives. It's not evil. It's not bad

What are you doing and she's like, I don't know what about the church? Can we damage the church? She's like we're gonna build a bigger and better church. What's the matter with you? It's going on right? To which he says well, there was that maniac guy in the in the Church the other day and the old lady actually says Well, what are you gonna do now base your business decisions on the ranting of a maniac? Yes, and the message of this movie is the yes, that's what you should do. I'm gonna do that mom You meanie I'm gonna do that mom

You meanie Again, there are zero conflicts in this movie if it happened in yeah, they're reviving the town They're building a bigger better new church. They're getting record deals. It's all good things right Well and but see I want to point out though that that this is such a perfect example of the Christians not realizing that they're the bad guys in their own Fucking movie right because this is what would really happen right like lately if the mayor came in and said hey guys you know if we open a hotel casino here I've already got all this stuff lined up it'll bring in you know 800 jobs and blah blah blah revitalize the economy a bunch of fucking religious dick wads would fucking chain themselves to the goddamn bulldozer and not let it fucking happen and then they'd make a movie about it, thinking they were the good guys.

Yep. Fuck. Ah. And since this movie's too stupid to even divide into logical acts or anything, we can just take a break where the fuck we want, I guess. Which is here. But before we go,

let me give the C segment the hard sell here. Will anything happen in this movie that would allow someone to formulate the stakes of the film and epithee and suspenseful remark on their way to a break such that others might easily understand what threads We intend to wrap up in the rain or the movie thus facilitating a smooth and logical segue Hi, can I help you? Oh? Hey, yeah, I'm just sitting here. I'm fine Sir this is a this is a hospital. You can't you can't just sit here not hurting anybody

Well, I just want to sit here for a bit and relax, okay? No, not not okay The world is not a public park you don't just get to sit wherever you want as long as you're not actively punching someone I but I'm not though You're not what punching someone? Yeah, that that's not how it works. Look, look, man, I'm new in town. I'm honest. I'm a good man. I smell like morning flowers. Do you have any work for me at this work at this hospital? Yes, yes, as like a doctor or a son.

No man who I'm having to throw out because he doesn't understand how property works We don't want to hire you at this hospital to be a doctor or anything. I mean there are places to help you find work One does not go door to door and sell themselves like that. I could build things with my hands I can hold you till you fall asleep. I'm a good man That is a terrifying list and I'm almost certain it's not true. Um, are you booing right now? Not hurting anybody! This summer, from the people who brought you what would Jesus do. Can I pay for lunch with my button collection?

A heartwarming story. Which side do pants go on? About full grown adults who don't seem to understand how anything fucking works. Which car is mine? Do I pick the one that's filled with smiles? In a cinematic experience that will make you wonder if everyone had a stroke. Peanuts feel like the most Jewish nut. Can I have your jacket? How the fuck are you a grown-up? Coriander, give me your house keys, fat cloud?

Summer 2016. And we're back. This time the random sub hero of scene is John Bond Jesus and he's just not too sure about all these swear word devil songs about putting peas in peas and whatnot. You don't know about this shit. There's this great moment he goes like, Hey Jim, I have a few questions about these songs and he's like, so what's wrong with the songs? And they don't know because Christians just know they don't like normal music. So he's like, they're just a

little song. They're not about Jesus, okay? They're not right, but Jesus. I have naughty words in them and stuff. So the record guys, they're talking to John Bon Jesus or whatever, and they're saying, listen man, the music business has changed. We're gonna need you to sing nothing, but muzzle the music now. Here's a bad old, just do it.

Let's do it. I'm gonna weird. But anyways, he's like, you haven't signed that contract yet He's like, yeah, I'm still thinking about it and the record producer looks him in the eye and says like basically like dude You will sign that contract or I will pound your asshole with an oboe. Yeah Anything that goes what would Jesus do, you know, and I'm like well, okay first of all Let's not talk about your schizophrenic rabbi who may or may not have Is a gistet, but the Jesus you're thinking of, which by which you mean what would a nice person do?

Or what does my moral compass that I've projected onto a dead Jew do? A dead Jew would totally sing whatever fucking songs required to feed his mom. Right, to keep his mom from getting thrown out, there's no reason. There's no reason. I won't sing to feed my mom. If my mom ever calls me and she's like, I'm going to get evicted from my house and someone's like, hey, you can saver, but you've got to do the hail to mecca. I'd be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah together mean and I will do it real nice. I'll hire some black people do it if I can. Whatever. And speaking of black people, now we have to cut back to black lady who is now too good to print all that filth anymore. The paparazzi guy shows up with more pictures and she says, if Jesus was the editor of this paper, do you think he'd print this?

And be like, if Jesus was the editor of this paper, he'd probably just be in there looking staring at the fucking press trying to get the demons out of it That's what I wrote. If Jesus is the editor, he would shit himself over the printing press. Can't- what kind of bear is that? What kind of bear is that? Also, the straw man to the what would Jesus do in this movie is you're not actually Jesus. Because the only response they could think that atheists would make is you are not Christ of Nazareth. You're not it.

And we know this because he goes, you're not a Jesus, you're a woman. And she's like, I'm not actually trying to be Jesus. I'm not a fucking argument. That's the only crazy person would make. But we get it multiple times in this movie. Everyone, all the bad guys in this movie go, you're not actually Jesus, you're just pretending. You're not the real Santa.

Let me pull on your beard, the fuck off you can. That's a common mistake. No, no, I just want to be like that. So then we cut back over to rock and roll or so he could have a porch chat with mom and explain that he's decided that they should get evicted from the house because Otherwise he would have to not sing about Jesus And the mom reacts like a sane person. Yep. She says I quote. It's only singing

Yes Right. Yeah, right. I'm sorry But if you've got a god that would burn you in hell for singing a song that kept your mother Like from going to the streets like you probably don't you know He doesn't deserve your any fucking way and she looks him in the eyes and she says this is a quote from the movie She goes you think Jesus would let your mother get kicked out of the house and he goes yes Yep Think of that

I said know what I want to do with my life. I want to be a homeless Christian wandering minstrel that Dies of cancer, poor and alone in some shitty town just like that Jesus. He Drift a guy Do you remember that Drift a guy who's dying in the back of the church? That's what I'm going for mom Just like that. You know, that's where my goals lie That's what I thought he's on my vision board just in the board That's why I thought he's on my vision board just in the board. Yeah And I thought to myself, you know like well, he's chosen the Jesus myth over his mother in a home He must be a good guy in this movie So then we go we cut back to it apparently the movie remembered that there was a guy with cancer laying in the back of the church

So we cut back to him and the doctor who looks exactly like Kevin Neelan Oh, he does Kevin Neelan wants us to know he's very, very sick. And he's got a stethoscope. Can you, by the way, can you hear a tumor with a stethoscope? Yeah, that's right. Is that right? Can you speak to him at that point? A tumor apart. So you got a Marco Polo with it. Tumor. Polo. Tumor. Oh, there it is. I hear it. Oh, yeah, tumor. Oh, there it is. I hear it. So, it's a malignant.

But also, this is the conversation that they have, the pre-sister of the doctor, like, what does he have? The doctor says, I don't know, it could be cancer. I'll know more when the test come back. That is a conversation that would never happen. The doctor never leads with, I don't know, good be cancer. Well, no later, you don't a good he cancer will know later you

don't put that in someone's head until you know right could be sids we don't know at this point before we test anything I want you to know it could be cancer yeah right it could be all kinds of good old bronchitis could be not but yeah he could just be pretending because nobody gave him a job and he's not hurting anybody. So, okay, now we cut back to the mayor at the newspaper trying to get her to print his filthy pictures. And this is such a weird fucking scene because he's, okay, so now we're, so now he's full blown, full on evil, but he doesn't do anything evil. No.

He just says stuff in an evil way. Oh, he's got an apple. He brought an apple with him for illustration But he didn't even bring the apple. That was the crazy part to me He shows up and there's an apple sitting on her desk and they're like, yeah, obviously He said this up to me stupid fucking apple metaphor, but the apples already sitting there and he picks it up and he offers it to the newsly No, thanks. I might eat it late. I don't know what he's doing I'm not also like

They've seen in movies before where a character will pick something up and use it as a metaphor So they wanted to do that But they didn't understand the concept of metaphors because all he does is he picks it up and he goes Apples are a wonderful creation Very tempting and that's it like there's no reason for he doesn't like Like first of all are they does he mean they're a creation of God or does he mean like people made apples? Maybe things there's an apple factory. I don't know intelligently designed, but he never said like these things factory. I don't know. Intelligently designed.

But he never said like these things. It was Dave Apple. So, but he also doesn't say anything like this Apple is like a blank or anything. There's just he's just like looking at an Apple being evil. Seems to be made by a watchmaker. This is fascinating. Look at this Apple. And she goes, she goes like, yeah, man, I run the newspaper.

I'm not going to do any goes, I'm going to be the mayor. I run everything.. I'm not going to do any goes. I'm going to be the mayor. I run everything. No, no, that's not how the mayor works it. The mayor doesn't run anything. I don't know. No, not really. I grew up in a town where the mayor would come and be like, hey, we got a new sports center.

Let me cut that thing. Thanks for the 12 grand a year. I'm going to go back to the card dealership where I work. But apparently this mayor thinks it makes him grand high emperor. I guess so. Yeah. It's a prima fucked in nocta. I'm sorry.

Before you divert your knowledge, that girl. I am the mayor. All right. Go. And so then we cut back over to Pastor Drupi praying over the drifter and Then we if I'm not mistaken we flashback to a scene in the movie where someone was flashing back Yes, I don't even know at this point. It's just like fucking Russian nesting dolls of flashback

This movie was like 45 minutes long until they decided to have a flashback of everything that happened And that's how they got up to 90 Hey, some of the stuff that's left to me multiple times. Yeah, right I could have been the tagline I wrote my notes. I wonder if we're gonna have to watch a hundred percent of this movie over again, you know like hell So now we got the pastor and he's fallen asleep reading the Bible. Somebody knocks on the story opens it up and it's John Bond Jesus the newspaper lady and Groot's sister Exactly right everybody but the mayor shows up the

How to how to save the the church and Well, they start off by asking how the drifter is. And this is where he says, well, you know, the docs checked on him every day. So we're supposed to be, first of all, for multiple days that he's been sitting in the back there, not getting fluids and not having his shit cleaned up. But the other thing is that we're,

this doctor is like driving out here once per day to check on this dude, like what an incredible waste of the doctor's fucking time. Yeah, well Yeah well thanks Bernie Sanders see this is the problem people when you get universal health care you four stockers at gun point look here's a thing I've been watching you've Steven Malini and if you had one doctor in the world I just I need quick 45 minutes to walk people through this. Everybody at 700% and then they would still not have enough money for that one doctor.

Well, there you go. So, so basically they're all trying to talk the pastor and to fight and to save the church from being relocated to a better facility. And of course, they have one simple question to ask of him That changes this mind because they keep calling them reverend and he keeps getting mad about it He's like I'm not stopped calling me that yeah, right. It's like it's like in high school when everyone called me chub tits Yeah, but I guess being a pastor is like being in the mafia or the Latin kings or something you have to be like punched out Or so I don't I don't know, but he's still a pastor damn it because they keep pulling him back in and of course

You know the the the scene ends with him saying oh, oh no, I'm sorry this scene ends with the single worst moment in my entire life All right, so I just want to throw this out. Before we watch this movie, Eli watched it before me and he sent me a message that said, this may be the worst movie that we've ever watched. And I was like, there's no fucking way. This is the word. There can't be a worst movie than the worst movie we watched. And for the first hour or so of this movie, I'm like, yeah, I don't think I think Eli was exaggerating.

And then we get to this moment where all of the the characters agree that they're gonna save the church and they're gonna like you know What would Jesus do their way through all the problems that they arrive at so then we actually get to see and where they all put their hands in the center And he goes can I get a w a w a jd? Can I get a WWJD? Yeah, she was fucking awful. They did some Ray Lewis in that huddle, man. That was fucking impressive. It was not good. She's suffering one two three.

Jesus. And he says, I want to get one thing straight. I wanted him so bad to be like, I want pussy on tap. He goes, you two, Nickelback Jr. I get in a hole when I want to be in a hole. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the so now we move to by far the most insane scene in this movie this is the uh... we cut to the construction crew that is there to tear down the church right and i guess

the henry the pastor is going to tenniman square the bulldozers right because he runs out and he goes stop he can't do this and instead of someone going hey call the cops, the margos run him over. He does run him over! And the construction guy thinks about it! He thinks about it!

He's like, oh don't, you're taking the fucking thing are we allowed to sort of a man It's under M for manslaughter So yeah, so he kicks the guy's like I'm not you know I don't run people over with this. I just Destroy buildings and pick shit up with it. He's like well get out of the way that all murder him And the construction guys like oh, okay, well you're gonna do it. You're gonna do it, sure, I don't be funny. And listen, we all know that that's not realistic

because we all know that a construction worker would never let a non-union person operate union machinery. Am I right? He didn't even have a fucking helmet. He didn't even have a safety helmet. It was ridiculous. Totally unbelievable scene. Also, what exactly is their first move with that tiny fucking bulldozer it's like my first

bulldozer from play school you can't just demolish an entire multi-story stone and cement building no ramming it with a Tonka truck and there's two guys with shovels and that and that's it's This is for the garden mostly. Yeah, right, right. We're just gonna upturn that a bit. But also, I'm just trying to picture this scene if he'd run the guy over because like, the bulldozer wouldn't have killed him. It's not like a tank or anything.

It would have just pushed him along, right? It's out, out, out, out. It's out. You're putting the cash here on me. You're scuffing my shoes. You're scuffing my shoes. Quit it, quit it. I'm cruel, I'm inside the little shovel thing, you can't get me inside here.

Good luck picking up anything. Gotcha. But luckily for him and unlucky for us, we don't get to see how that goes because Lockjaw shows up with paperwork at the last minute. Right. She goes, this paperwork over rules the other paperwork, Mr. York. Sorry, but this scene makes perfect sense. You can't run over the minister and destroy the building with that golf cart. You're, uh, no.

Well, but also this is where we learn that she owns the property. Right. So like is she the one that he owes the money that they're trying to raise the one who closing on him right who knows this that nobody who made this movie knows how anything works you can't cancel a demolition day I think that none of it makes sense also all the shit still inside the church because they immediately afterwards he goes come on everybody this church is open and the chairs are still there the crucifix is still in there They were just gonna demolish it with all the fuck with the fridge and the homeless guy was still in there

The homeless guy was still in there Not Oh Shit so then they have the big lake they they tear down the caution do not cross tape everybody else Hurray and they go in the church and then they have this great see where they're all sitting around and and he's going like Look if any of you want out and I'm like out of what? You're not doing us. They ain't like there's nothing Yeah, I just even started a revolution you haven't even taken over a fucking bird watching station in Oregon people and then the movie was three minute short

So they have the world's shortest betrayal and forgiveness scene No reason never matters. She goes so real estate lady Vin Diesel in a wig is like I'm the one who owns you mom's house. I'm the one who kicked you out. He's like fuck you You're a monster. You're no better than the mayor who is basically Hitler even though he's just sort of talk Scaring and try to kill somebody with a bolt. Oh, it's your pastor's like hey, man What would Jesus do? And he's like, oh, okay cool. We're good. We're good Like even says it one point. He's like you were gonna throw my family out in the cold and I'm like it's not cold

It's like it's obviously nobody's even wearing a jacket You were gonna throw your family out in the cold remember He's Family and paid rent like a human is supposed to and you're like no Jesus would only want me to sing songs about him He's the fucking Kim Jong Un of religious TV. And he wouldn't like any song that weren't about him. So, sorry, mom, out in the cold you go.

Or the warm. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't do the 81 degrees in sunny. So, but then she has the subiphany. Okay, again, this is the extent to which this movie doesn't understand how Earth works. She says, I'll talk to mr. Clayton who is apparently the wrangle the fucking lizard man from earlier and she says we'll give a will put all of those homeless people back in their houses right so just everyone in this town gets a free house so it like this movie is proposing communism except for this one lady pays for

all of it no communist there are fucking howards in would be like, come on now guys, that's a little unrealistic. We gotta hate it, keep it, that's not how it works. Yeah, so, and then also they're like, you know, she tells everybody, hey, if Mr. York gets elected, then gambling will become legal. And, okay, I guess that's how things also work

in this universe that we're in. And some of you says like, well the problem is the people. Right. We gotta take away his people. Are you suggesting killing everyone in town? Because that's- I wouldn't be surprised if the suggestion was

we need to kill everyone in town and then we're not gonna take it, started to play while they murdered everybody with size. And I'd be like, sure, sure, why not movie? Why the fuck not? It's in the universe that you've set up that might just be moral. We don't know. What would Jesus do? They're all of trees that haven't been brewed fruit.

There you go. So now Pastor Drupi Dog wants the homeless people to not vote for for York. So he goes to the town square where all of the homeless people hang out with a homeless outlaw biker gang that apparently controls the political scene in Raymond California. Exactly. So he gets on the stage that they have set up at the homeless hangout. And he starts talking to him. And he's doing quite a busy job for somebody who's spoken in front of crowds his entire life. But basically his message is,

well, Mr. York is just offering jobs. I'm offering the ability to withstand snake venom and move mountains with mustard seeds and shit. And everybody in the crowd is like, boo, murder him! Yeah, he did. Not only they throw shit at him and run him off stage, but like, one guy chases after him.

Yeah. Did you guys watch? Oh yes. So there's the guy chasing the pastor. And the chaser guy, he trips on absolutely nothing. And he does a dive roll. but then the guy does another dive role in the wrong direction before he gets out of the frame he's where he like running back toward craft services before he's out of the shot

talk about and it was definitely I this was definitely accidental the guy that was chasing him definitely was not supposed to fall down here was like in uh... doctor strangelo that's it but okay so now for no reason whatsoever the fat guy that was chasing him falls down and just decides to changes mine and not chasing back the other direction but there's a different fat guy Changes mine and not chasing back the other direction, but there's a different fat guy

It's waiting for him our mother from the beginning right right. Yeah the mugger that that we heard from earlier in the clip But but you can't tell it's him right away the mugger You can't tell because wearing a very small hat Yeah, so then the evil mugger Reveals his true identity by taking off the very small hat and they understand what's happening. It made Clark's, Clark Kent's disguise look good. Yeah, yeah.

So the mugger with the heart of the gold tries to mug him and he's like, give me the cross. He's like, but it was from my wife. Well, we all well, Shucks. He takes, he takes the guys wallet and then he opens his shirt and he is wearing a woman's cross. He is wearing the piece of jewelry that the wife is wearing at the beginning of the movie.

So he's wearing this very feminine cross from like Kate Jewelers. Right, right. And he's like, give me that cross. Also, why are you wearing that? That's very clearly women's jewelry. He's like, no, this is my wife. She's like, so are her panties.

Yeah, I'm wearing those too. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's from Tiffany's. It's lovely. I'm a winter. So then they have this heart to heart. He has this heart to heart with the mugger and the mugger is like, do you remember me? And he's like, no, and then he pulls off the little hat.

He's like, oh, I didn't recognize without that Yamaha. I'm wrecking that was your Abai, whatever, whatever. What I'm just going to do. Unbelievable. So and apparently this is a guy that he tried to help many moons ago and he was getting his life back on track But when this guy heard about what happened to pastor Henry's family He decided that there was no God and went back to his evil ways to which the pastor says oh no It's not that there's no God friendly mugger person. It's that is evil as fucking just like killing people's families. So, they become friends.

Friends, yeah. They go get coffee. I believe. Yeah. They don't actually have a fit together. And they call it Padre for some reason. Yeah. They just like, come on, Padre. And I'm like, nope, that's what? All right. Yeah. So now we cut back to Virginia. That was a strong jaw real estate lady there.

And she's talking to the lizard man. And I guess, I guess she's telling lizard man that she wants to buy all the properties he owns so that he can let homeless people live in them for free. I think that's for free. I think That's what's happening. I did not explain that and in response that would be so the people that Johnny Depp imagined in leaving Las Vegas is like No, no, you were Jesus No, no, you were Jesus

Yes for the second time someone needs to explain that they're not Jesus and that's not what what would Jesus do But I also love that he's like hey, you know Virginia you've met my kid. He's a fucking idiot He said yeah, he's like yeah, my kid's not so bright. I just want to leave him some money because he's not gonna be able to make it on his own So you know, oh I would pay all the money in the world for a flash kit to some kid wearing a helmet just being like for a flash kit to some kid wearing a helmet just being like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no So then she's leaving Virginia's leaving the office or whatever and Mr. York the mayor want to be guy runs out in front of her car to be Evil And and she gets out of the car So what are you doing and he grabs her and he like slams her up against the fucking fence? And she's just like I'm the bad guy guy I haven't done anything bad in a while so and then a random homeless girl Wonders and she's like hey what's going on here?

And he's like oh later and it's like call the cops. He just assaulted you. Hey, you're trying to sabotage his mayorial campaign How about suing him for assault that? I would I would help with witnesses and with witnesses. Now, I would have point this out because this we're an hour and six minutes or so into this movie and we're about to meet who turn up a character that turns out to be like basically a pivotal character in the movie. Ish because she doesn't really have any effect. Well, but no one has any. A bunch of time with her for no reason reason she's just like a weird side story for Victoria for no reason yeah yeah and and this is again this is okay so

she's this smoking hot little white chick and but you can tell she's homeless because she's got muds meered under face like homeless people do yes she's very Dickensian chimney street union so she's just getting the car I'm gonna take you home with me And she's like yeah, okay, whatever and they sit there and talk in the car and this is like This is so a milk teaches sex porn opening. There's no other reason. There's no question I kept being like okay now choke me with the seat belt while I finger myself and I'll give you That's where that video comes from. So we go back to her mansion where she's now invited a random homeless person to live with

her. And, okay, so this is what Christians seem to think that us secular people wonder. Because the homeless girl says to her, she's like, how did you become like this? You know, nice and kind. Like, you have to have a reason to be nice and kind. Like something has to happen in your life to make you decide that being nice is a good idea.

But I love that her first response. She's like, how did you get like this? And she's like, oh, I inherited a shit ton of money. My dad handled Nazi gold during World War II. And she's like, no, no inherited a shit ton of money. My dad handled Nazi gold during World War II. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you're nice. And she's like, oh, I got a religion. I got a fake, I got an invisible friend.

He, otherwise I would just be raping you right now. You're just like, oh, I can wait for a fake. Oh, but you probably know what that's like. You're a hot person who's been homeless for 10 minutes, right? Yeah, yeah, you understand, you understand. You showered in my home. Yeah, and also, can we point out that to, by the way, because when we were first introduced to this character,

it's just a mom and a daughter that own a lottery on a state and have a lot of money. We don't find out later that they, you know, it was dad who had all the money and he just left it to her. So we can't have a fucking female character in the movie that actually made money of her own right you know we can't have like a successful fucking female character in the movie if she wouldn't hand it the money by some man but yeah whatever anyway so she leaves the fucking room so the girl can shoot up in her bathroom exactly and mom shows up once again to interject some sanity into the moment. So she must be fucking evil and says like,

Hey, um, that's a homeless girl that you don't know. She's gonna rob you blind. Yes, that's exactly how that ends. Yes, she calls up a few friends and she says, Hey, you guys are gonna believe us stupid. This fucking idiot is let's come in here and like murder her and her mother and take all their shit. That's how that story goes. You guys see Clockwork Orange? Yeah, we're gonna be- You're right! Classic Clockwork Orange on this lady and her mom. And her mom, by the way, her mom doesn't say, kick her out into the street.

She goes, let's get her out of the tellroom and give her some money for food, to which her daughter responds, all you do is think about money. And she's like, for food. For food, yeah. For the tellers, for the tellers. For the tellers, for the tellers.

For the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers. For the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for the tellers, for food. Yeah, for purchase. To where I sleep, you moron. Right. That's not what stop thinking of that's not where that sentence goes. You don't say stop thinking about money when someone's trying to give it to homeless people. The mom's looking at her and she's like, oh, I had a coat hanger hanging two inches outside of my bed. I'm chickened out.

I chickened the fuck out. So now we, because listen, if we have an introduce enough characters in the last 10 minutes of this movie, now it's time for us to really connect to the fat Mexican mate. That's been in the background a couple of times, but otherwise hasn't even gotten a name. Yes. And so she sits her down and she's like, and this is super duper insulting, because she's basically like, so Maria, her name's Maria, of course, because she's basically like so Maria her name's Maria of course because she's a Mexican. Oh she's like Maria you've been a true and loyal

friend for all these years and Maria's like Jude don't have to say that to me she has the most insulting accent of any character she goes please call me Virginia or as you might say part danger Have like you can just see the director behind the fucking camera going more Mexican more Mexican more Mexican here watch this Jeff Dunham special that'll give you So we're going for right here So she gives her a raise and then makes her some tea because that's what Jesus would do or that's what she says Fucking bullshit if Jesus was there you know made the Mexican lady slather him with nard cream or something Oh, this is gonna sound weird, but I need you to wash my feet Wash him good wash him

Maria they are so darling me sargees Dirty Maria, they are so dirty me, Sargeez this man. So dirty indeed. So now we get the homeless girl. She wakes up that morning and comes out for breakfast and Virginia is not there. So she's with the grandma who at first is just treating her like just, you know, something that she scraped off a shoe. Right. She very clearly says you don't look like you belong on the streets. You're white. Yeah. The implication is very clearly you are white. The grammar says so you're the this is a

this is an exact quote. So you're the girl from the street. my daughter brought home last night. I did not expect to hear that sentence in this movie That's not like no fun guilt point starts not Align from a Christian movie. It's also how my mom eats all my girlfriends, so you know, it's right So yeah, so then we get the story of how she became homeless and once again It's this stupid fucking Christian movie idyllic universe where everyone's who is homeless is homeless because like mom died of cancer or something You know like I just once I want somebody in a movie to be homeless and they ask him why they're homeless They're like yeah a lot of heroin and shit. Yeah, exactly. I was dating this pharmacy assistant Which means he could get suit if that any time he wanted to and we were cooking he died in the fire

And I just took the bag. I went to Arizona and I fucking met he died in the fire and I just took the bag I went to Arizona and I fucking met my way all the way to California I did three throated porns before all I got arrested for being under the age 18 but then I made bail mungered with the meth ice sold to the sheriff at the time and I just came down to this town I'm just hanging out waiting for all that to blow over anyways how did you get to this house? What's going on? Why do you be showing? So now clearly she's upset so the old lady wants to hear more

She's basically like tell me more of why you're homeless and how your mother died of cancer I need your your tears to sold my eggs But then they decide that their friends now that the old lady feels bad for them so they go on a shopping spree and I wanted so bad for a month a shopping montage of like perfect day with her doing math and dress and be like what about this dress how about this dress so while they're they're painting over some graffiti with with eyeliner brush, they've just got like

a color you'd use a fucking roller but no, they've got the fucking brush that comes with the Crayola water color, right? They're going over it. And the young girl is the homeless girl.

She's like, so how do you like being in a house instead of on the street? And she's like, yeah, I mean, I like living in a house. You know, the last guy who I live with made me listen to his podcast. So this is pretty Also, something about his feet making me wash his feet. Oh, that is what Jesus would do. Nice. Yeah. So she gives her is what Jesus would do. Nice. Yeah. So she gives her a set of keys to the house. I thought she was going to give her her own house for a second, which is just like now you have a house 17 year old go. Well, apparently she's doing that with all the homeless people in town. So this girl got screwed. She has to just share a house. But now this is maybe even the most insane like this isn't how earth operates moment in the movie because when she looks at the key

She says she's the the initials LP on them Which I guess means that the mom there the Virginia the the block jaw lady right the wall pin a wig is is Adopting yeah, she's like I want you to be my daughter. Yes, she actually says that. I want you to forget about your cancer mom and abandon her name and take mine instead. I felt fucking crazy.

I even Googled it. I was like, is that a thing? That's not a real thing. No, I'm not. Because I was like, no one is that wrong, but they are. They are that wrong. So, okay, so now we cut to the big election rally which they're having in the middle of the night in the same place that he got boot away from all of the

bombs early and and this is one of those and we get a lot of these in these Christian movies but this is one of those like very tight shots of big crowds because they only had nine people right exactly and the mere shows up to her rally and gets on stage. What the fuck? This town has no cops. There's no pull. No one ever goes. Hey, man. That's not allowed. Call the cops, but he gets on stage and he's like and he delivers an evil monologue to try and sway them He's like you don't tell me what to do you people think Jesus is good

You people think Jesus is good, but Walking on sensical and then he runs away Well, and also okay, so well they go back and forth It goes on forever with like one of them grabbing the mic and then the other one grabbing the mic from them and then the third person grabs the mic from them but They have a little banter. Yeah, yeah, you me york it ends right here right now climax of the movie is right now very very close and also and then the mayor closer that the one-of-a-mayor closes his it is impromptu interruptions speech basically by saying these people need me

not a bunch of jesus freaks and like yeah that's something that american politicians and public i'd if i had a nickel for every time a political candidate gets up and just starts shitting all over religion and then we can't stop we cut to a reporter who's basically saying um... yeah you know remember there was an election anyway yeah the other bag i lost and uh... for jenu one Yeah, you know remember there was an election anyway. Yeah the bad guy lost and Virginia won Cuz you know we don't know how this shit works right apparently she fucking Jumped into the race three days

Still one and because she won cancer guy is completely fine Gets up puts his camo jacket on and just hitchhikes his way out of town And if you think hey are people concerned about that? No, we see characters go where is he? I don't know. I guess he wandered off. Doesn't he have super bad cancer? Not the point. Let's go listen to a shitty Christian rock song.

Should we call the police and have somebody look for him or say, no, no, I'm sure he's fine. Anyway, so yeah, then he gives him the, he gets up, it was to do his sermon, Pastor Henry, you know, congratulates Virginia for being the new mayor. We get the implication that maybe the two of them are fucking are planning on it. asshole. Lots of syrup. And then we get a kiss of Max, who did not, uh, zero hit me late. It sticks with you. It sticks with me, whatever.

A little aftertaste. So now the movie is over. It could be over. It would be nice if it was over but we end up instead With Max's fucking song we have to it because yeah, we have to listen to the whole goddamn What would Jesus do song so Max gets up to sing his song and which by the way the very first line? Yep of this song is bitching about the lack of forced prayer in public school is forced Christian praying in school yesterday. Yes, that's the

fucking first line of this song is like dammit we can't force the kids to be Christian anymore. Go online and it's called what would Jesus do? Just look up what would Jesus do song? Listen to this fucking song. It's a nightmare. It's basically like would Jesus put up with your shit or would he throw his hands up in the air and be like fuck you guys you're all Jews you're all Jews and the facts that's probably what he do so like that so and then like while he's playing his song somebody starts stands up and starts doing the clap or whatever you know one guy yeah one guy the

clap is so often it's so bad bad for max to just stop playing and say sir could you wait until i'm finished yeah and then claps and we'll barrel doing it cowbell whenever they want just like what would he just want to see it well good never met so bad oh, they were so white. Well, obviously thumbs far down enough for this movie would require numerous advances in drilling technology So instead I'll simply ask you heath. What would Jesus do to you in an elevator that would be worse than watching this movie? I'll say if I got stuck between floors with Michael Schermer and we have to watch school piano for several hours that would be worse. Allegedly.

Allegedly worse. Yeah. Right. Andy, Alive, what would Jesus do at open mic night if he wanted to be less entertaining than this movie? Oh, I'm going to say ask his girlfriend and the audience to get back together with him Come on Karen I'm so great together Lucy guys. I usually try and bring the fun if it like we took out this conversation before I came up here

And I don't want to lose my spot, you know time is money We made love Under the stars Remember we made love under the stars Baby I lied Shit and while I guess that's gonna do it for our review of what would Jesus do that? It's not gonna do it for the episode quite yet because dammit if there aren't still some Christian movies to review so Eli Please tell me this movie doesn't have a secret. The fuck yourself it does have a secret. No fucking does. With Johnny Ratz and Berger once again that's right. Well, he's in it again. Jesus do too. The wood cover. The what?

The what? But don't worry none of the characters are the same and the plot has nothing to do with the previews plot. Apparently a kid vandalizes a church and then avoids criminal charges by working as an apprentice for John Ratsenberger, the master whidler in the town in Exoscience. Yeah, this was free on YouTube, though. Yeah, it is free on YouTube, which is an advantage. Also, I just want to point out um this movie has less to do with its previous movie than but sluts to has to do with but at least also is that's all I'm saying okay it's all I'm saying people Sasha

great least pretended to be the same person she has the same name all right yeah I felt like those two you mentioned transitioned well, whatever I guess that's with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 22 to a merciful close once again Huge thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you would like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written

and performed by Ryan Slatnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week, for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions promise and to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Close. The Burned Beer, Jocketed Beer, with Derbord Dukum Beer. All the other homeless people, besides hot, part Latina girl, remained homeless because they are physically unattractive. They continue spending their days smudging each other's faces with dirt.

Virginia went home and paid more Mexicans to be her friends. They put up with her constant speedy Gonzalez impressions and culturally incessant of questions about beans and fart porn because they needed money and she owns their homes. Jesus' bum was eventually arrested in a town that actually had cops despite his protestations that he wasn't hurting anybody as he took a shit in the town library. The Dumbair!