God Awful Movies - 220: Gramps Goes to College

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

This week, Noah and Eli team up for an atheist review of "Gramps Goes to College"; the story of what you fantasize about when you're not allowed to think about sex. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to [e-mail], along with info on who you want insulted. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Also, here's a horrifying insult into the mind of the writer of this movie. He says, the sexual urge is the most powerful thing experienced by humans. That's terrifying. That's terrifying, Rooster. What would you say the most powerful emotion you've ever felt is my boner? Okay! Cool. Cool.

Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be you, but even more unfortunately for him, he's unable to join us today. I feel so bad. He's unable to join us today, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing, Noah. I'm incredible. We've peaked as a show. This should be our finale. This is I just I regret every adjective I've ever used on this show because I want to

reserve them for this one right? Like I just a good guys go back and erase all the adjectives that I've ever said before let me say them a new about this bat shittery. Okay, just the two of us. I hope there's enough crazy in this movie to cover the time. So tell us Eli what will we be breaking down today? We watched Gramps goes to college. It's the terrifyingly sad fantasy of a former computer programmer and college tennis player

who retires to bother people about Jesus played by and written by Donald James Parker, a former computer programmer and college tennis player who retired to bother people about Jesus. Oh, and it's, oh, well, yeah, there's just, there's so much. There's so fucking much. We'll get all, we'll get to all of it. But before we do, Eli, tell us how bad was this movie well if you loved the last half-muttered ramblings of your loved ones is dementia slowly swallowed up the only them that ever was but you wish that the pain and desperation it caused it been more religious you will love it's dear Abby the movie. Oh

Alright, so here's the thing. This is so insane about I don't know 40 times Maybe since we've started this show you've texted me because you always watch the movies first you text me and you go This is the craziest shit we've ever watched and somehow You're always right. I'm always right. This is literally the craziest shit we've ever watched. And of course, this is a film from Chip Rosetti, right? A director so famous that when you look his name up on IMDB, the first thing that comes up is some other dude with the same name that earned a special thanks credit and terminator dark face.

But we and the audience, of course, know him as the director of right to believe one more round. And of course, his absolute masterpiece. Well, this is his fucking masterpiece. His masterpiece, as we understood it before we watched this movie, the unexpected bar mitzvah, that's right. This week we move past his mother in the most chip-resetting films ever watched ranking. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. He's like our

squircesse. You know, like you're just like, oh, because you know, raging bulls, we're taking, oh, he just keeps coming out with the hits. The man's unstoppable. He's like the exact opposite of Scorsese. Yeah, exactly. Also listeners, you'll note we covered both pronunciations of that name. So you don't get to tweet it us. Yeah. All right, so okay, so of the Chipperos Eddie films that we've watched,

where did this one rank for you? Oh, man. Okay, look, nobody tore open their shirt and cried. Barucatada Nihilohenu. So it's always going to be second, but it's close. It's close. And more importantly, because of this movie, I found all of the other movies that Donald James Parker wrote and sells on his website, as well as the novelizations of this movie and the unexpected Burmitzvah. So yeah, we're set for a while.

All right. So I've got my holiday reading. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. All right. I might have to actually go back and watch the unexpected bar mitzvah again to really say this, but I think this might be my favorite of Rosetti's selections. This might be number one on the list for me. I don't, like I said, I owe it to unexpected

bar mitzvah to go back and maybe even right to believe, honestly. But yeah, yeah, I think I've got this at one. Okay. So is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yes. I'm gonna nominate this for best worst old-timey expressions. We get like a pink Cadillac at a mafia funeral. We get I think you're selling us a crock and it ain't filled with butter Every catchphrase in this movie every catchphrase in this movie serves as an avatar of the film itself. They're all like a little racist and a little insane. They're just tiny indications of a time gone by that lives inside Donald James

Parker's brain at all times. Well, okay, so I was going to do a bit where I was going to have like eight best worsts here because everything kept occurring to me In a best or disease pronunciation best worst I had it as best worst Christian movie for a while there But ultimately I settled on one. I'm gonna go with best worst ego Okay, yeah In the true sense of what we mean by best worst for fucks it do out this movie keep in mind that every single time We bring up a character randomly mentioning how handsome this guy is that he wrote it.

Yes he did. The genius to Catholic, Renaissance man who could have been immense if he wanted to that just can't seem to lose an argument is the goddamn writer of the goddamn movie about himself to the to the word like what companies he worked for as a computer program are listed in this film. Yep, about his character. It is the darkest possible time. All right, well, when you're descending this deep into insanity, you need a minute for your body to adjust to the pressure. So we're going a quick break and when we come back we'll dive into all the naval framing that is

Gramps goes to college Hey podcast listeners if you listen to our other shows or you've just been listening to us for a long time You know that we've just launched our yearly fund razor vulgarity for charity. Woo! Each year, we get together with Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Disinist Podcasts, as well as a variety of special guests and friends from the podcast diverse to raise money for one of our favorite charities, Modest Needs. Modest Needs is a fantastic charity that helps folks who aren't eligible for other kinds of help get back on their feet. They combine smart fundraising through research and financial assistance to make sure that

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Very clear. Very clear about that cigarettes. Yeah. Permanently though, like not just like very clear about that cigarettes. Yeah permanently though Like not just like for Tuesday like permanent. Yeah, it's not heath Okay, everyone welcome to the first day of shooting grams goes to college a chip rosetti production We haven't agreed on that yet. Sure sure Okay, everyone. This is Donald James Parker. He's our star.

Oh, bless me. I'll take anyone right now. Right now. No. Donald, that's Courtney. I'm here because my dad made me. Outta girl. Right, so quick overview.

Gramps goes to college is about a feisty old retiree who decides to go back to college so that he could educate the teachers. Wait, he goes to college so he can educate other people. Don't interrupt. Yep, he does. He does. He's a retired computer programmer. Like me. Who played tennis in college like me. Yeah, Donald just like you So he gets to school where he meets Michaela's father and Michaela's father asks him to watch his daughter Wait, what? So he says yes, but unfortunately for Michaela She's got a fallen roommate who dates boys and drinks alcohol

Kayla, she's got a fallen roommate who dates boys and drinks alcohol. Bad, her, Donald, sorry, sorry. Yeah, so Gramps befriends her, her roommate and his roommate, who is a Christian kid, who just can't get enough of having an older man guide him through his first year of college. Who wouldn't love that? Exactly. But then there's this other kid on campus who challenges him to all the sports in a row for the big trophy. All the sports in a row?

Yep. They do all the sports in a row from chess to tennis. I played tennis in college. You did. So he obviously wins all of those sports, but while he's at it, he also disproves evolution despite his atheist lady professor. And she wants to have sex with me, him, him. Yep, she does.

Really, really bad. In fact, as she's trying to have sex with him, Michaela's roommate is at an alcohol party when she dies during a drinking game. Oh, wait, sorry. How does she die? Oh, from the drinking game. But that's okay because your character prays her back to life. Seriously? Yes, it's a very serious part of the movie that we will take very seriously. So Gramps goes home, but not before everyone applauds him because they all love him at the college and they always will. And that's, that's the movie. Guys, I gotta say this movie seems for you finish that sentence just a quick heads up Courtney

Donald also helped write the movie. All of me in there. Yeah. Yeah, so the movie seems... great. Great, I think so too. I'm assuming I said! I said no! That's too. You're afraid. You're afraid.

And we're back and it's time to learn what you fantasize about when you're not allowed to think about fucking. But before we get to that, we have to discuss the gotcha logo. And we my first notice and the movie's on and I'm singing. Yeah, it's like a DVD menu went to AA and found Jesus. Yes. And the music behind it is what an evangelical Disney princess would fuck to. Yes.

The background just has the words creationism and evolution everywhere just just to get me hard early. And then okay, so we open it this gym where these two guys have just been locked into the same exercise for years and years until they get pop-eye like forearms or something. It's the best. So, they are doing lat pulls incorrectly. And Gramps, our protagonist, is doing, you know, those sets of shrugs in the 75s.

You know, you use 75 shrugs per set. Yeah, so they're having this conversation. Neither of them ever thinks to switch arms or change exercises. Nothing like that. And the conversation basically goes like, well, now that you're retired, Gramps, what will this movie be about? And his answer is, I think I'm going back to college, you know, prove that God exists. The usual. Yeah. Also, little note on this being shot in a gym, you know what gyms are covered in mirrors.

So if you want to see the cameraman at any point in this scene, just look behind the actors and the misdirection of the person in the back going, whoo, it's also really strong. It is very obvious that Donald James Parker walked around the gym and was like, we're shooting a real serious movie, okay? So no noises. And then atheist teeth was just like, woo, treadmill, fucking treadmill in and up. Oh yeah, the entire time they were shooting. So you guys, so they have this conversation about how Gramps is going to go back to college because, and this is a quote, I've got a lot of quotes.

I'm pulling a lot of quotes today because quote, most of those kids don't realize they're being brainwashed by liberal secular humanist professors. Oh, juice. Oh, sorry. That's all right. Juice. They're juice. Juice is what I see is just now. And juice. Yeah, no, he's going to go to college to convince children that the devil is real.

Ah, all right. That's his goal of higher education. So again, just to be clear, where this movie starts as an old man going i'm going back to college to teach other people yeah right i'm gonna give them college professors a piece of my mind the movie all right and so now we also have to cut to the on and this is so god damn weird because in the last scene the guy is just talking about like, I have a bitchy granddaughter that hates me. And then we cut to this girl who is not his granddaughter. No, we will never be his granddaughter.

Mm-hmm. That is Donald. So I'm going to admit it. I went down a Donald Parker rabbit hole and read way too many of his blogs. What I get from implications within the blog is that at some point his daughter told him exactly where he could shove it and his granddaughter has since communicated that message as well. So he's worked that into many of his movies, novels and blogs. He's just, he will work it into the very finale of this movie in the saddest, darkest moment

on cinema. See, the Cohen brothers would have watched that shot and been like, he has a gun of bun people out. He probably want to cut that one. Look at he, a hot, return my text messages. That's, I was just going to say that's so much sad or that scene is so much sad or now Absolutely, but I don't mind laughing at it cuz fuck this guy. Oh, okay this guy and good for his granddaughter and daughter Yeah, right right

Hi, you can mind just remember if you're feeling a little sympathetic at home guys This is the dude who did right to believe about how little sympathetic at home guys this is the dude who did right to believe about how straight newspaper reporters shouldn't have to cover stories about pride parades without being able to use the word bag and the other and the unexpected bar mitzvah about how friends don't let friends be Jewish you it's yeah so yeah all right so now we're going to cut to ungrateful spoiled liberal college girl who can't believe that mom isn't even gonna pay for her apartment during her senior year at college. Yeah, but her mom is a good Christian.

And she lets her know that this is her punishment for drinking and driving and totaling her car. Yes, she's a little light on the punishment to be honest with you. Seems like a weird punishment, right? Oh, all right. You've murdered your brother. You know what? Just for that, you have to buy your own textbooks this semester. Yeah, right. And I, by the way, I just want to point out because we meet this character in so many of the movies, the bitchy liberal college woman. It's always a fucking woman because the because the muse for this character, right?

The inspiration for this character is the hot chicks that won't fuck the writer. Yeah. Or in this case, the hot chicks that the writer imagines won't fuck him. I mean, they won't, but he has never had contact with these women. He is pre-angered at college women. He's never met. All right. So yeah, she's a bitchy. That's all we need to know about her. So now we get Gramps showing up at the University of college and finding out that damn it, he wanted to be in a man dorm, but those those those book up quickly, most college

age men wouldn't want a co-ed dorm. Those book up super quick. So he wound up in the co-ed dorm. Yep. Also the lady at the front. Okay. Sorry. There's so many things we need to get to. This entire movie is shot in an old age home. That's important. We should cover that. Oh, this is our first shot of that makes sense. Yeah. Yes. It is the only special thanks in the credits. It's like thanks to sunrise, hills, farm for euthanasia for the lovely use of their hallways and deaths. The woman who checks him in, her hair is either what all orthodox Jewish women have based their wig on or cut the protractor. There is only one of those two options. And it could be both. Amid is a third option is both. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. That's true. So he gets this room assignment and he turns

to the woman and he goes, Hey, wait a minute. I'm not going to have some sexy female roommate am I? And she's like, no, no, a fucking course not. And he goes, oh, because I don't, don't want that. I'm glad that I don't. Wrong, wrong stupid fantasy. Sorry, I'm writing that one right now. We'll do that next week if you, you would all stop quitting.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, so as he's walking away, we see a cute blonde showing up for her first day of college with her dad. And I found it this odd. She was a legitimately attractive actor, which is odd in a chip rosetti film, right? Like usually he settles for an unattractive person with attractive person written on them like a political cartoon or something.

But yeah, this is I think just the role of the home school dice, right? Like someone's cousin married someone's second cousin and they just found a beauty gene in there and they were like, you're on the Kayla ones. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Two eyes that face the same direction. Excuse me, Marilyn Monroe.

But yeah, she's thanking her dad for dropping her off at college and for being her age. Yeah, right. And the lines for the dad are some of the clunkyest things ever, God damn written. I don't remember what they are exactly. I just have, I am going to say some natural human words now in my notes. My one quote that I wrote down is, I love how you grasp reality without flinching. Yeah, what? Okay. All right. So yeah, she's also going to be a character. So dad drops her off at her room and then on his way back out, I guess he runs into grams.

Right? And he's like, hello, elderly man sitting around in the co-ed dorm room. Do you like at least work here or something? And he's like, no, no, but your daughter, real quote, looks like a real sweetie. What? Yeah. Totally normal thing to say to another adult about their grown daughter. It's normal. Yeah, talk. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. When I as a 60 year old man encounter somebody with a hot 19 year old daughter, I definitely tend to label her as a sweetie. And of course they have that they bond over Jesus here that Michaela's dad and Gramps.

But they do it like mutual sports fans, right? It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you saying you like to fucking pray too?? That's fucking a mate look at that another Christian here in the middle of nowhere in America who to thought wow Yeah, again this takes place in Tennessee what are the odds you run into a Christian in Tennessee Hope's at home of the scopes monkey trial. That's crazy. That's crazy. Do you also like cars with cars and four wheels? Yes. And dad's parting line, of course, in his well-written line words is, quote, I hope your experience as a non-traditional student will be rewarding.

Are all words in this human language, I speak. I am from this planet. So long with your studenting college, old man college. All right. So now Michaela gets to meet her roommate and it turns out that it's bitchy liberal girl from before. Oh, that is Stephanie. And hey, fun fact about this scene both us and the Christians are horrified by this scene It's just a different character that we find terrifying. Yeah, right. Yeah, because it's the conversation between party girl and good Christian girl, right? So good Christian girls like do you have a boyfriend? And she's like no, I just fuck every day I can wrap my badge around pretty much right you want to go to a party and she's like, do you think like a birthday party with cake? Yeah.

And again, we are horrified by Michaela and they are horrified by liberal girl. I'm like, yeah, get that dick. Right, right, exactly. Party's a fun party. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, but step and then Stephanie like gives her shit. She's like, oh, you must still be a virgin. I bet you're religious or something. Yeah, like they do to you when you go to college.

First question they asked me it was our R.A. icebreaker. All right. Let's go around on Adam the anteater and who hears a virgin. All right. Great. Everyone take notes. Take notes. All right. So then of course, Gramps has to meet his roommate. This is Brad. Brad really seems to love the whole idea that Gramps is going to be like, he's really into this right away. Right. Brad is so psyched that a 60 something year old devout evangelical Christian is his roommate. It's fantastic. He's just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying I'm gonna get a roommate who brings their own denture cream? I am in. In. Oh, so, look, maybe I went to a weird college. Do roommates usually have beds that are next to each other? Like your weird friends, parents, who you realize as an adult hated each other.

Not in my experience, not that close. No. These beds are two inches apart. And honestly, look, I think if, you know, Heath and us got to write it or something, like a movie about the weird evangelical Christian going back to college to prove evolution doesn't exist. the weird evangelical Christian going back to college to prove evolution doesn't exist and like his roommate that could be a fucking hilarious meat. Right.

It's great murder mystery. I get it. But instead Brad's like, well, good. I was afraid I was going to have some party animal roommate that wouldn't let me study my Bible. Also, when he walks in, it's just a tiny moment, but he's like, Hey, are you a generator? He's like, no, it's our room. Let me guess. You haven't taken Dale Carnegie's how to win friends and influence people course. And I wrote my notes. I have never been

more sure of anything than I am that the guy who wrote this movie has taken that course maybe multiple times. And again, in my blog research, yes, he is taking that course. Yes, he is taking it multiple times. Oh, nice. Because the Dale Carnegie course didn't stick the first time around. I still don't have any friends. I must have done it wrong. Yeah, keeping a topical with the Dale Carnegie jokes, well done. And then they have the whole moment where the roommate brag goes, like, well, you're an old person.

Can you even use a computer? And he's like, I was a day to proffessing professional for 30 years as a computer programmer. I'll have you now in real life and in this movie. Yep. And in real life and in this movie, which means he wrote that he was like, I'll show my grand needs to tell me to stop typing in all caps. I was thinking, I know how to do this. Emphasizing.

Also, there's this amazing moment where he goes, I mean, I've been called an animal, just not a party animal. So what, you shot first at my lie? What is it? Who's that me? I have so many questions about that life. All right, but we can't get to all the questions because it's about time for grabs to go see his advisor and find out if there's room for a creationist in their science program. I have to talk about the physical appearance of this

advisor. Please do. Okay. You know how Jeffrey Tambor would look if he was an old age makeup? There you go. You nailed this advisor. Whatever you're picturing. Yeah. No, you got it. You got it.

You know, it's just some like extra like jowls, if they said just just jow it up, you know. Yeah. Triple the jowl. Yeah. And he opens this scene by basically being like, look, I want to know, can I get my masters in biology, even though I literally think that science is a trick planted by the devil to make man fall? And the advisor is just like, no, no. Is it because I'm old? No, man, it's not cuz you're old. It's a wizard made the planet

And I love this moment too cuz he's like you guys are such big. It's just a matter of fact I have a quote from you for you from John scopes Right and and of course it like first of all I can't find this quote anywhere except for in right and and of course it like first of all i can't find this quote anywhere except for in anti-evolution websites that my f***ing anti-virus software warns me of a but i love that at the end he goes i think john scopes had it right i'm like he was the evolution guy

y'all it's not a that was didn't ha ha ha ha ha also that that quote while we cannot find the context is almost certainly not to your point. No, right? Because he's like, yeah, no, I think there's a way bigger problem in academia than there is in the hills of Tennessee or whatever. And I think he means like, yeah, intelligent racists justifying their racism is a problem. Not these fucking bigots here won't take my creationism seriously.

What would I get? John Scopes. He was the evolution guy. So it's entirely possible that he was also talking about the prejudice that people that religious people had against science in that quote too. Yeah. But one way or the other, like I said, I can only find the quote out of context on anti-evolution website.

So it also is entirely possible that he never fucking set it. And I want to talk about the fake turnback because my religion is now this fake turnback. So he tries to do a Colombo moment at the end of the scene. Oh yeah. Where he goes, one more thing, except it actually plays like this. There is a way more racism in the foothills of Tennessee. Oh, shit, fuck, one more thing. Evolution is a bit high, but let's keep this. Let's not delete anything that we ever recorded for this

movie, ever, no matter what. And also, like, just just dwell on that quote from the, the quote that he uses about how there's more bigotry in academia than like he's using that to to mean bigotry against creationism, right? So he has no issue whatsoever, blindly equating being intolerant of a race or a sexual orientation with being intolerant of answering the question wrong on an exam. Same thing. Yep. Just, you know, oh man, they're all bad Nazis and KKK members and those machines that correct the scantron. They're all just a real problem. I mean, I'd say today. All right, so now, oh, we've heard multiple times now at this point in the movie about this legendary biology class that just chases the Jesus right out of even the

strongest believer. Oh, here it comes. Yeah. So we're opening it up in this notorious atheism biology class with poor Christian Michaela just sitting there not partying or doing drugs. Right. And the other college students just walk by with a cornucopia of temptations. They're like, Hey, Michaela, want some crystal meth? Hey, Michaela, want this penis?

Hey, Michaela, want this vagina? She's just like, no, it's the weirdest grocery store. Yeah. So, okay. So yeah, everybody sits exactly beside Michaela because they've got this big ass auditorium with three people in it. So they have to have malls sit real close together. And then the biology professor comes in and I love, she like, she comes in and she immediately walks right up to Graham's and she goes, so were you as student or something and not just a weird old fucker flirting with a 19 year old and he's like both, both, both. You're both good. Sorry, I am, I am both old and he's like, but both, both. Both. I'm sorry.

I am, I am both. And she's like, oh, okay, cool. It's exciting that like an older person has come here to learn and enrich themselves. And she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am here to derail your biology 101 classroom. Yeah. They have this grading stage where he's like, well, I sure hope you will allow student interaction, which she takes to mean. I hope you'll let me put a dick in you later. And she said, so she responds like, I would fuck you in a heartbeat. Yeah.

Because every female character in this movie would fuck him in a heartbeat. Wants the G. So here's how she begins her opening lecture of her biology 101 classroom. Okay, who believes that God exists? Good, good. I will kill your God by the end of this semester. You can sit back down. I was rolling from this opening she says alright the way i always start class i'm gonna ask the same question i'm gonna ask you again at the end of the semester who here believes in god and i had to 25 fucking minutes. Now we can't pan across to see how many people are raising their hands because they literally can't afford extras. Nope, nope. Need more than three people to pan across the thing. Yeah, exactly. You have running behind the other seats, you know, but yeah, she assures them, but they end

of her course. They will no longer be Christian. And then she turns to Gramps out of the blue and she says would you like to retort? All right, welcome to the first day of class. I like to think of my class as more of a debate against me and whichever of you is the most mentally ill. Oh good. About straight.

Do you want to literally call me names because even in your own movie you don't have a response to God doesn't exist. Yeah, right. Yeah. So he stands up and gives the fool says in his heart, there is no God moment. Yeah. And she's just like, oh, that's, that's not a response.

That's just an insult. And he's like, you, you first, you did. Yeah. I'm rubber. You're, you know, who did. Yeah, you did first. I'm rubber, you're blue. You know who coquade first though, to, to did. So. All right.

So then we cut to Stephanie, the bad girl and all her friends hanging out, talking about the last scene. Apparently, Gramps is now the talk of the town for standing up to that atheist biology professor. And we get a subplot here that I desperately wanted the movie to explore. And it does not. One of the friends when describing the scene says, quote, I can just picture Tucker drilling into him with her piercing eyes. And this girl's unrequited love for Professor Tucker is the subblock we wanted and didn't get crazy billionaire re well, sorry, crazy $6.45 an air remade this movie. I know where I'm

focusing. So. And then, okay. So then they're like, Oh, but you know, who would really have the lowdown on this, you know, talk of the campus exchange during a biology 101 class at 830 in the AM Stephanie, your perky Christian roommate. So they run out to ask her about it, right? And I love this exchange. Again, it's their fucking movie. Stephanie says, Hey, I hear that the professor in biology got challenged by a guy old enough to know Charles Darwin to which Michaela says he's not that old As there's definitely was genuinely accusing him of being in his early 200s or whatever Wanted it to continue. She's just like no, I'm pulling your leg. You're not your hands aren't on my leg My dad dropped me off. I know. Okay. Do you want to come to dinner with me and a senior citizen? Yes, I do. Well, yeah, like what all the college girls want to

hang out with this sex agenery and for a bit. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I know this is giving you a lot to process and you probably haven't even realized that this is a sports movie yet. So we're going to pause for a minute and let you catch up and when we come back, the insanity will at least triple, at least. From the makers of Gramps goes to college. Hey everyone. Wow, Eli Bosnick, you're so awesome. Comes the realization that even your most pathetic fantasies count as a movie.

Hey Dean, we doesn't just legal on campus now, it's mandatory. Whatever you say, no illusions! Because if Donald James Parker can do it, why can't we? I'm sorry professor, I think you'll find that spelled G-E-E-T. Oh by come it is. This summer, Eli and Noah go to college. Excuse me, sir. You can't smoke in here without a trophy. And we're back and get ready for what may be the greatest scene in the history of Christian

movies. Nothing really happens. It's just a bunch of people sitting around in a cafeteria, but everything happens here. Okay. Can we talk about the set? I just want to talk about the set. Let's start there. Yes.

They have a marker drawing of a tiger mascot and a poster that says, only science can something something. You see the full poster later. But it's only science is the theme. Yeah. So there's one sign that's just handwritten that says beat the sky hawks and then there's go panthers with the goddamn thunder cats logo written under it. And that's how they now it's a college cafeteria. So yeah, they're sitting there at this cafeteria. It's Michaela and her roommate, the fallen Stephanie, and then Gramps and Brad, his roommate show up

because apparently he's trying to set Michaela up with Brad. Mm-hmm, but unfortunately, Stephanie's gonna swoop in with that patented pickup line Let me drive your car Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, she's like so do you have a vehicle of your own? He's like yeah, by sure do she's like would you like to fuck me perhaps? Let me tell you are you interested in penetration and do you have a the oh you both all right excellent? There you go to Two in a row but but very clearly she goes the other way with that. Yeah So she's she's soliciting a little bit of penis and then we meet the bad guy the bad guy

This is Jace is this is his name. I had him as Chase and Jason throughout my nose But it's a Jace we eventually see it written down J. A. S. E. Mm hmm. And he used to date Stephanie last year, but she's moved on from him now. And he's there to talk shit at people about sports randomly. He's there to simultaneously challenge and induct people into his intermural, all the sports team. Yeah, right. I like, at first I thought this was bizarre because they weren't specifying a sport.

He's like, you want to be on my sports team. And everybody's like, you know, I don't want to be on your sports. We're going to make our own sports team. And I'm like, shouldn't you specify a sport? But no, it's, it's the all of them team. Not at this college, because at this college, their events will range from

Chess to horse to tennis We'll get there Yeah, but he's like he's like I'm here to recruit athletes for my Intramural sports team, but you guys are too much of losers to be on my team and then Gramps goes well Maybe we'll just start our own team. Earning him my second in terror banged what? Yes. And the first time in cinema anyone's ever said, I'm going to start my own team and it's

turned out well for that. And as chase exits, this is the fucking best. As chase exit, he goes, look, I got to get out of here before all the studs are gone. Yeah Hey writer of this film the guy who said that to you wasn't trying to get you on a sports team, okay? Nope, he was not But yeah, so that he walks off and everybody's like I want to be on your team. Gramps. It can be an all Christian team We can segregate our team's by religion. At which point, Michaela goes, can I be a cheerleader?

Yeah, what is happening? I just, I want to see the scene where they turn away the Muslim kid, but we don't get that. Yeah. No. So, okay, so Brad and Stephanie leave, and now some anti creationists start heckling them entirely from my right head phone. Hey, I heard your creationist to just

stupid stupid dumb. So yeah, so after that, Michaela, Graham Stark for a bit, she's like, oh, were you trying to set me up with Brad and he was like, well, I was thinking about that. She's like, yeah, it looks like Stephanie swooped in already. To which Gramps says, well, you know, a double-minded woman is unstable in all her ways. Again, I'm sorry, what? Yeah. I wrote in my notes, you know what God says about Stephanie? She should be stoned to death.

Yeah, but Gramps though, can sense that she used to be a Christian though. He read the whole script. I guess. Red and wrote. Well, wrote, yeah. And now, because this is the darkest and saddest of fantasies Two fellow students come up to ask him for his autograph for interrupting their biology class That is exactly what fucking happens look if you want to predict what's gonna happen in the next scene of this movie Just ask yourself what's the silliest thing that could possibly happen next and you will predict this script with a

Hundred percent accuracy This is when I had that realization and I nailed the rest of the movie. Yeah, this movie is like if stay had taken place on a retirement home bathroom floor. But yeah, but you see he doesn't give autographs. That's so fucking weird. Like they come up and ask him for his autograph and he says no. But he does invite him to be on his generic, all the sports team. Yeah. And I got to say, unless the sport is premature ejaculation, I do not think these guys are your first pick. Well, it's a good thing too, because we will never see these two actors again.

So even though we will spend a lot of time on the sports competitions. And then, okay, so now two randos show up to ask how a computer programmer could be a Christian. To which he responds, let me guess. You guys read that atheist rag, wired magazine. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be repetitive, but what? Fucking what? This just goes off on why your magazine being too secular? Which by the way, if you didn't get enough of it in this movie, there is and a company and blog post.

I have to read the novelization of this. All right. So yeah, and so this is the first of many times where this movie will get very difficult to watch because he'll just spout off a bunch of bullshit, his anti evolution argument about how could a brain exist without the lungs and how could the lungs exist without the blood. And instead of like having someone actually answer these simplistic child-minded questions about evolution, everyone just sits around and goes, Whoa, I've never thought about only

one side of this argument before I'm convinced. Well, and to his credit, none of these were challenges to evolution I had heard before. Like, can a creature exist without a brain has never been brought up in our 220 episodes of anti-science bullshit? I wanted to be like, does this guy like not know about single, self organisms? How do we tell him? Yeah, okay. So, but that's, so this is Frank Turek's argument, right? That's where he, and he even says at the end, he's like, you can, instead of a wired magazine, you guys should read the book. I don't have enough faith to be an atheist. And this, that's the argument. And it basically boils down to

the, all of the things have to involve together for any of them to make sense, right? Like so you can't have one organ without all of the other organs, but they did all evolve together. Like all models of evolution would suggest that they all evolve together in tandem. So it's not even really an argument, which is why we haven't heard it very often. But this asshole is dumb enough to be like, oh, no, I get it. Yeah, you're right. How could that happen? Yeah.

No, you see each of your organs is like a different power ranger and your body is like a Megazorn Saying it's crazy. Well, again, is that what he thinks though? It does he really think that evolution positives that there were just some lungs floating around in the ocean and the heart float running going We got to get together too. Shit, this is useless. I know all this blood useless. I know. All this blood, nowhere to put it.

Just the blood organisms did not last very long according to trial Darwin. They really didn't make it for a while. Also, we get this straw man, which we have gotten a bunch of times, which is the, you're saying atoms just came together out of nothing and no, that's, that's you. That's what you believe.

Yeah, right. Yes, exactly. So these guys leave and we get this fucking connard where McAleous says, you know, I've been noticing that college isn't teaching us how to think. It's teaching us what to think. Another way of saying that is, I just noticed that college is telling us facts. I'm just noticing that they act like they have all the ant, oh, they do, they have all the ants.

Right, because yeah, they're expert, Jesus fucking Christ. Still, I wanna attend a priori universe. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha All right, everybody. Welcome to class. How do you know you're here? Please take out your notebooks and prove that they exist. All right, so now it's time to cut back to that biology class, and that takes place in purgatory, I guess, since they can't afford a classroom, so they just have to make sure everything's pitch black behind everyone. And again, this is a new anti-evolution argument. The argument from, can you tell me how heavy natural selection is? I, I was baffled with this. Yeah.

Okay. So she starts talking about natural selection and Gramps raises his head and he's just like, as like i'm going to derail the class and waste every time uh... a little while can you tell me what color and size natural selection is that is the most that shit argument that we have ever witnessed to be fair like i feel like this is one of the most realistic points in the movie because the professors like i can't answer that question and I'm sure that in a normal university that would be the first half of the sentence as well.

I can't answer that question because it's insane. Right. Professor what does math smell neck? Case dismissed. Yeah. Right. Like pointing out the existence of the sounds his mouth just made Refute that argument. Did you notice the words coming out of your mouth?

Anyway, yeah, right and also I love that he slips this and he's like well I hope I've helped these students realize that just as something's written in a textbook doesn't make it the truth now Here's what Bronze Age people thought in a time before fact checking or formal logic We're not the ones slavishly fucking devoted to a book, dude, you cannot make the argument that we are the ones to slavishly devoted to a book. Yeah, you know how our books change? Yeah, that's the indication about instantiated to the book. Jesus actual line from the movie here, people don't believe in God because they can't see him But they'll readily believe in and even evangelize for natural selection which doesn't even have any properties we can see

He just disproved the existence of atoms Concepts the side of Jupiter that isn't facing us right now music words paying love emotions How can you think this is a fucking our argument? Also to finish their conversation, the professor says, how about we take this discussion off line? Now look, the reason that line

is in the movie is because the guy who wrote it is constantly being challenged to fights on Facebook. And he just thinks that's how conversations ends now. Yes, they're not online. No, they're not. But to her credit, Ray, like this character saying, hey, maybe we could have this conversation in a way

that does not disrupt class and waste the time of everyone else here who actually wants to know the things that I'm being paid to teach them. Oh, wait, sorry, I'm sorry, education doesn't have any properties that we can see and thus doesn't exist. So we might as well talk about this. Let's do this right. Fucking now fucking Christ. What a dumbass movie. All right. So and then of course we have to get the the biology professor and her friend professor chatting about who Gramps who is their quote this time, the talk of the campus.

Oh, and the actor on the right, the one who plays like her fellow professor who's in love with her and wants to sleep with her even though he's married, he can not stop moving. He's doing joking, Jacks. He's interested. He's doing jumping jacks and he's to us. He might as well freeze. He's that asshole that I always get stuck next to in the waiting room who's just fidgeting the entire fucking time and pounding his leg up

and yeah, he's that guy. One of them start drumming his fingers on the desk, takes out a fidget spinner. Sorry, I'm just going to put this loudly near your head. But again, to prove that they're like evil liberal professors, they have this moment at the end where he's like, oh, I wish I could have sex with you. And she's like, ah, I wish I could have sex with you. But you're married. And he's like, ah, marriage am I right? And she's like, yeah, we don't believe in that or something.

Well, it's even worse than that because she says, yep, I'm just not attracted to you. Also, you know, the marriage thing, but mostly, it's the I'm not attracted to you thing. But what's so, this scene is so fucking great because they just, they're sitting around talking literally about how handsome the actor that wrote this movie is.

Mm-hmm. And what a threat he is to evolution. Yep. Yeah, exactly, because the one guy goes, well, what is he just crazy or something? And she goes, no, he's not crazy. It's been a while since I've had such a worthy adversary. He's bold, intelligent. The other guy goes, handsome.

He's like, well, yeah, some might consider him handsome. Where? Show me the people that would consider this man handsome. That is the most extraordinary claim in this movie. And someone will bring a character back from the dead. And that is the least realistic part of this film. Well, and then the guy goes like, hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you just fuck the Jesus out of that guy?

And then she considers it. She's like, yeah, that might work. Yeah. And spoiler, that will be the plan she goes with, right? She will literally try to fuck the Jesus out of him. Beginning with the date, right? Because she said, can we take this conversation elsewhere out of the classroom? So they they go to have lunch together and they're at this comically large table. It's the bad. They are at King Arthur's right. I expected like Lance a lot in the rest again

Oh, yeah, we have a reservation. Okay cool. Just Nobody fucked my wife when I'm gone. All right. Yeah. So they have another conversation where he really sticks it to evolution and it starts off with her going like, look, all educated people believe in evolution. And I'm like, tonological, but yes. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, there's an incredibly small and ideologically motivated minority

that believes otherwise none of whom possess education in that area. Yeah, right, right. And she starts talking about how biology uses, quote, suppression of freedom of thought and, quote, to get its way. And I'm like, I love that these are the people arguing most vociferously against postmodernism, right? These people who equate knowing facts with suppression of freedom of thought. And even in this scene, she's like, dude, no one's suppressing your freedom of thought.

I let you yell out your insane half-ass theories in class. And he's like, no, no, because you don't tell the class that there's a 50-50 chance of me being right and you being wrong. Right, yeah, he goes like, well, but are you actively encouraging people to question the things that you say to them? No, she's a fucking expert. Why would she do that? The key to critical thought is to accept hard, non-existence of anyone's ideas, but your own, that's what they say. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then he goes, I love this bit too, because this is so telling us to what kind of human

being writes this shit. He goes, you know, unlike other academic subjects where you forget everything that you've learned a few days later. And biology, there's one thing you don't forget. Wait a minute, dude, there are multiple things from all the academic fields I've studied that I haven't forgotten, and I smoked so much weed the state of California sent me a thank you card, okay? Yeah, I feel like that's more of a him thing. Yeah, and this is where he gets the, you think you're special just like Hitler? Yeah, He goes like, well, I bet you think that you're better than other people because of your

intelligence. And I'm like, well, she's better at thinking that particular. And that's what intelligence means. Yeah. Well, and she's not just any smart person. She's a member of Mensa, which I think is how we all agree we define intelligence. Yeah. exactly. For the intelligence as those who are willing to pay the membership fee.

Yeah. Yeah. And he says, well, a lot of members of men's are creationists. And I'm like, yep, that's why we don't use that as a measurement. That's why we don't use the standard. And again, this is real. There is a blog post about it. I could go into Mensa, but God is real. There is a blog post about it. I could go into

Mensa, but God is cooler. Yes, I don't. Yes, I don't want to. Yes, the whole I could be immensely to just so you know, I've been taken several several online IQ test that said, I could be some women think my IQ is too big. I've had complaints. Yeah. The key is to understand that in the third part of the puzzle, there's only one sock. So you got to divide it. Six to six. It's a genius test. I posted on my granddaughters wall, but she blocked me. He goes, again, he's always got the opposite of the right point. He goes, you know, do me a favor. Try to get over your superiority complex one time by looking at all the stars in the heavens and imagining that your dad built them.

Right? What? And she has this great moment where she's like, I've looked at the stars and he's like, not while thinking about Jesus you haven't yet. Specifically. It's like, I got to think happy thoughts. And just fly any thoughts. And then there's this great moment where he like,

and I guess he thinks this is an argument that we don't atheists will not never get a gotcha moment. Right? Because when we die and there is no God, we won't be able to turn to them and say, see, but when we die and there is a God, they will be able to do that. Yes, it's like our worldview isn't based on petty vengeance and yours is crazy. How I didn't build a whole thing around you being wrong and punished and sad and in pain

and tortured for eternity. Weird. Makes me immoral. Actually, if you think about it, it makes me so immoral. I can see why you wouldn't get that. Right, but yeah, but she's never really thought about, but what if you're wrong, though? So she wants to go on a date with him and hear more about her inevitable death. Well, maybe she's like, you want to go to dinner and he's like, you're trying to poison me. And she's like, no, no, just come to my house.

November 20th. Jesus out of you. I was she said that November 20th, I was like, this is a god damn November, tackler and Eli hasn't told me. All right, so yeah, so they agreed to go on a date and then we cut to the alcohol party with Stephanie. Oh man. The lack of extras at this party is amazing. It's like, it's three people and then one guy running side to side off camera, yelling, woo! Okay. Now, I don't know about you know of, but I felt very attacked by this scene as a non-drinker because it was like,

Hey, you're not drinking of the party? No, I don't like the taste to beer. Do you, do you want an apple teeny? Yeah, I want an apple teeny. You know, I have some sugar. Yeah, he's like, I don't want alcohol. I don't like alcohol. And then jerk guy, Jace shows up. And he's like, I bet you're not even man enough to consume alcohol. And he's like, I'll drink bourbon with lemonade.

good man enough to consume alcohol. And he's like, I'll drink bourbon with lemonade. Bourbon with, I texted Heath bourbon with lemonade and he texted me back. I quit the show. That was the extent of Heath's contact with this film. Yeah, so they wander off so that Brad can turn his back on Jesus and consume alcohol at a party. And so, Jesus left standing in a room by himself Jesus and zoom alcohol at a party. And so Jason's left standing in a room by himself that's supposed to be a party. And he goes, I don't need you.

There are plenty of hot girls at this party. And just then the actress that plays Michaela walks by not facing the camera with her hair done slightly differently so that we'll think that there's another young woman in this movie. And he chases her. And by that we mean the actress who plays Michaela has put her hair in a ponytail and is side shuffling across the back of the screen. She's strafing like that.

Serpentine. Serpentine. It's just an ordinary white girl neck. They're totally full. Yeah. So all right. So now we cut to Brad. He's sneaking into the dorm room drunk after his alcohol party. And I love this. So goddamn much. The opening of this scene was literally shot in the dark. They don't know about the dark lighting and shit. It's the best. There's how many days do you think they all sat there in this dark dorm room?

I just, they do it in the other movies. Maybe they have a special, we need a night vision camera, guys. That's what we got. We got to get a night vision camera. So we just watch big shapes move around for a solid 20 seconds. And then thankfully, Graham's turns on the goddamn light so we can see what's going on. And he says, Brad, you've come back late and smelling of alcohol. Would you, this is literally what he says, did your parents ever have to talk with you

about the birds and the bees and the eternal fire that those birds and nothing. Also, there's a great line in this little speech where he says, with the sexual revolution in full bloom, I wrote my notes, I will never have an orgasm again, okay? Yeah. What year does he think it is? And by the way, the following words from that, he goes with the sexual revolution in full bloom, Stephanie probably thinks pre-marital sex is okay. And of course, in the movie Brad has to go like, oh, wow, that's a bad thing. But I mean, I didn't good to know that she's going to fuck me. I mean, bad, bad to know that she's going to fuck me. Also,

here's a horrifying insult into the mind of the writer of this movie. He says the sexual urge is the most powerful thing experienced by humans. That's terrifying. What would you say the most powerful emotion you've ever felt is my boner? Okay. Cool. Cool. But of course Brad knows all about not fucking. He doesn't need some old man to tell him out and not fucking knows. That's right.

So they go to bed. Then we cut back to that one restaurant that exists in this universe with the giant table where Michaela is studying when Brad shows up. And Brad's like, hey, how come you're sitting all alone and we never see you have any friends except an old man your roommate and me. And she's like, oh, you know, all the other kids just wanna talk about parties

and drinking. Yeah, exactly. So she's too good for all of those other people. And she's not too sure the point of college, which makes sense since she doesn't want knowledge. Yeah, she's like, I don't know. This school seems kind of useless. It's just like, this is what's true. This is what's false. And it's like, I have a book for that, you know? Yeah, exactly. Also, she's almost 20. She's an old mate at this point. Yeah.

And so Brad confesses that he consumed some alcohol at the party to which McAleus is, I know, Stephanie's my roommate and she was bragging about dragging you from the arms of Christ and getting you to sit. Yeah. Brad, can I be honest with you? I feel like, how do I say this? A goat sater, a fallen angel is using my roommate to steal you from Christ's eyes and out of his vision? Oh, where are you going? There's something I said.

It's because I said my roommate is the devil's pawn and your affection for her is planted by him up your gun. He goes, but no, he goes, no, I just got to get to the air mirrors. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. First he has to clarify, so he's like, are you saying Stephanie's the devil and she's like, no, no, that would be silly. I'm saying, I'm saying the devil controls her mind and uses her as a popper in order

to win your soul. I gotta go. I there's a sport thing we have to do the first sport. Would you look at the time it's not talk to a person who thinks the goat demon is inside a college girl at clock. Alright, well, tell you when every action is random, you can't exactly have act breaks, but this movie is about to crank the insanity up by an order of magnitude. So we're going to take a break to steal ourselves, but first let me give it act of the remainder

of the hard sell. Will Jesus win the first big sports match? How can winning exist if it has no properties that we can see? What's the silliest thing that could possibly happen next? By now, the answer is to these questions and more when we return for the time cube conclusion of Gramps goes to college Alright everybody ready for a drinking game Yeah, we are

Alright, so this game is called drink The drink. Sorry, drink the drink? Yep, yep, that's it. First one to not drink the drink loses the game of drinks the drink. Okay, but how do you know if the other person isn't going to drink?

Yeah, it doesn't seem like a game so much as it's just drinking. That's just drinking. You guys want to die instantly of alcohol poisoning or what? I do, it's true. I'm only doing this because I'm not a Christian. Me too. Obviously. And we're back. It's time for the big sports event.

They haven't told us what sport it's going to be. Let's ask ourselves, what's the silliest sport it could possibly God damn be? Check the fucking pool. Did anybody have chess because it's fucking. Nope. Two silly two. No one had chess. I'm just imagining all the guys who thought they were going to be on a basketball team of some sort going like, Oh, I don't horse is two up and one over right? But yeah, so we're going to do the clever I don't, horse is two up and one over, right? But yeah, so we're going to do the clever, you know, he's going to have another anti-evolution argument this time against the 43 year old guy. He's playing chess against this intramural competition.

And they're going to try to use the clever like, oh, they're having, I'm playing a chess game. Well, also verbally sparring as in chess, but they don't know how to do that. So they don't have verbally spar. They don't have to play chess. There's a lot going on. Yeah. And so the guy starts going to Monty's like, Oh, so aren't you that anti science guys? Like I'm not against science. I'm just against correct science. I'm just against science unless it believes exactly what I believe. Yeah. Right right right? I have to point out of course his team is called the sons of God The other team is called the demons and this character's number is 66

But it quickly turns from an anti-evolution conversation to an anti-floorite conversation. All right, so there are three moments in this movie where I wish I had video or at least audio of me watching the movie, right? The first was when the biology professor opened her class. We've already been through that. This was the second. The third was the big one, but this was the second one. When suddenly he goes, well, is it just evolution? Or is there any other anti-science shit you

like to spout out about? And he goes, well, what about the fluoridation of the drinking water? I get fucking lost and, and, and, and well, I'm still trying to recover from that. He tries to pronounce fibromyalgia. Uh, yes, fibromyalgia. Everybody. I'm trying to print out fibromyalgia is my spirit animal. I went back over and over again and keep in mind, YouTube doesn't have a convenient go back 10 seconds button.

I had to manually go back over and over again to listen to him say fibromyalgia. It was so embarrassing and over again. By the way, the way he uses fibromyalgia is, you know, what about all the cancer and illnesses like fibromyalgia? Could fluoride cause that stuff? No. Checkmate. Yeah.

Exactly. And I love. Okay. So at first, my, because I'm I'm right in the, in my nose, like the guy who's playing chess against is making the most insane and terrible possible opening moves. So if you know anything about chess at all, the guy is, is plan black, his first move is night to a six, right? Like, and, and at first, I'm thinking like, all right, well, they've just like clearly told him to make these moves that will bring

about a quick checkmate. But then I started thinking, look, if I sit down to play chess and the first thing the guy I'm playing says is, well, what about all the fluoride and the drinking water? I'm going night to a six, man. Yeah. I might just ask him to king me on the chance that he thinks that's a thing. Yeah. Can I, can I castle over to your side of the board? Perhaps next to your rook?

I don't know. Do you know the password? Uh, Jesus. Yep. Oh, you win. Did the Jesus castle. So the guy starts walking away and as this character that he's just beaten in chess is walking away, he's shouting out about China trying to poison us with four-eyed. This is the protagonist

of the protagonist of the film. Also, he allows us know that he doesn't use fluoride toothpaste. So he just gently touches his teeth twice a day. And then we get him chesting against another hapless kid. Yeah, I wrote the first note I have here is, you know, that no Jews showed up for work on 9, 11. And they do this dumb ass thing that people who don't know how chess works, uh, goes where the one guy's going, check, check, check. And then the other guy goes, check, check, and then the other guy goes check mate. It's like there's no possible combination of shit that could give me a fucking break. Anyway, but now he's the intramural chess champion. See, he's an athlete. That's a sport. It's a great sport. I'll have you know, very old sport. And as he defeats Amigos, also just apropos of nothing. I'm in your bio class. Thank you for standing up for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

To which he replies, you're welcome. Yep. So, okay, so then we cut over to Jace. He's looking over the intramural rankings and dammit. Now that that chest tournament is over, Jesus is in first place. I love this sheet. So first of all, it's on the wall. It is an 8 by 11 sheet of paper with two lines of type. Yep, exactly. Yeah, rankings. Number one, the sons of God, number two demons.

Yeah. Jace. Exactly. And it's just taped to some random wall somewhere. They didn't have a bullet in board they could use apparently. But yeah, so he's looking over that and just then Brad and Stephanie walked by. So they all talk some shit, right? He goes like, you're only winning because the Wimps sports like ping pong and chess. chess. I never run two miles. I eat nothing, but meat, pronouns are slavery. Yeah, and there's also a great moment where Stephanie

like goes to like give Jason shit and Brad makes her stop talking because he's the man. Yeah, you know how one of the protagonists in the movie covers a woman's mouth to prevent her from talking back to a man. Yep. That happens in the movie. That's a good guy.

And then we watch cross country racing because at least four Christian filmmakers don't realize that is an interesting to look at. And we've watched all of them now 220 episodes for cross country races. Also, they understand cross country racing so badly that like they start running and the fact that Gramps is like the race has gone on for literally seconds. And Jace turns them in and is like, ah, Gramps is losing. Yeah, right. But no, of course, Gramps and Brad take first and second place because they don't consume alcohol. Yeah, Gramps exact quote, they fill their bodies with substances that slow them down.

Yeah, um-hmm, lead. I wanted it, I was exactly, I wanted it to cut over to them at the craft table just eating balls of lead and ball bearings. Slowly swallowing gold bricks. Whoa. And I know this is such a minor thing, but when they're sitting there having their little victory conversation, they're sitting on this park bench and there's a no fishing sign in the background that is so conspicuous and out of place. I thought it was clickable when I paused.

But yeah, so the ladies congratulate them on their win and they decide to celebrate with strawberry shakes from hardies Which is where my wife had to leave the room She was like I cannot think of a more disgusting thing after a long distance running. Yes. Yes Let's get a strawberry a post run strawberry shake and some hot dog water from our needs. God Jesus. Yeah. So, but Stephanie's like, I don't want those stinking shakes.

So Michaela and Graham's leave to go get a shake and Brad and Stephanie are left talking where, you know, Stephanie is trying to talk him into celebrating with her at another one of those fine alcohol parties that colleges have. But Brad has a meltdown like Heath and a waiter who's taken away the last two fries. He's like, what a strawberry shake. What a strawberry shake. You're making out of five strawberry shake. There's no question that this actor was generating something very real in himself and with promise pain in this film is strawberry shakes.

All right, so now it's time for Gramps to have his big date with the biology professor, right? So he walks in and she goes like, I consider males to be the weaker of the two sexes. That's my character. Hello, men are inferior to women. I'm a feminist today. He goes, wait, are you some kind of doomsday profit? And then he doesn't say no.

Exactly. He will not go as far as no. He's like, well, if you consider the end of the world, a legitimate yes. Well, there's no properties that you can see though, so it can't exist. Yeah, so, and I will say I'm actually fairly impressed with the actor playing the biology professor because she actually manages to seem interested in him romantically despite the shit he's saying. That had to be a challenge.

Yeah, that's the Merrill Street level shit. Yeah, and she says, I just really want to know what makes you tick. And he says, well, what makes me tick is invisible, even with an electron microscope. And I wrote like, oh, like natural selection. So it doesn't exist. You don't tick. Fuck you.

She says, can we change the subject? He's like, nope, I'm going to talk about God constantly, no matter what. She's like, nope, I'm gonna talk about God constantly, no matter what. She's like, fine, eat your spaghetti, O's. Here, have these giant, cauldron of spaghetti, O's, I think for us. She pours out some wine and it's red wine, because that's what goes with ragu.

But he doesn't consume alcohol. So she's like, I'll just drink both glasses of wine. And I'm like, lady, don't try to win Heath's heart on this episode. He's not even here. He's not here. There's no point. Also, the way she pours this wine, I mean, look, I know that they fill a bottle with grape juice or whatever. And then apologize to the grass that they poured the wine out on. She is pouring these glasses to the brie. Yes. Yeah, like you have to lean over and slurp at the beginning of your drink. Yes. And this is where he makes her put on a jacket because her incredibly normal sweater

is too horish for him. Oh my, but not just makes her put, she says, he's just close your eyes for a minute. I have a surprise for you. And then he stands up and puts a jacket over her slightly exposed shoulders. I am wearing a t-shirt that shows more of my cleavage at this moment than her sweater shows. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, that's how the scene ends. Yep. That scene ends with her being like, oh thank you, I didn't realize I was a whore. And again, like the dark universe that existed where they got this woman and they were like, hey, make sure you wear your sluddiest outfit for the dinner scene. And she was like, I know just the thing that sweater I got at sears and her husband was like,

whoa, I don't know why that technically makes you a porn o' actress. Am I right? Huh? Look at these naked pictures of Jerry Falwell, Jr. wife. He keeps texting him to me. So all right. So then we cut forward in time. They're done eating. He's pretty impressed with her chef boy, R.D. warming abilities. And then so she's like, she's had a few classes of wine. Now she's like, so what do I have to say to get that dick in me?

He he he he. But rather than sex, he would like to argue about Charles Darwin and how he was the puppet of the devil. Oh, and again, this scene will just be her being like, so penis and vagina and him being like, and another thing about flagellum, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, fessor. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,'s just this really awkward, like, if you ever consider that you might be condemning children

to hell and her going, like, do you want to yell that at me? Wow, we fuck. That's really, it needs you to focus. We need to pick a topic here. One of us needs to pick a topic. Also, one of the things he says is she is like straddling his face and putting a cowboy hat on him is, you know, Jesus appears to Jews and Muslims all the time.

Oh my God. What? I swear, the fucking screenwriter was being paid by the number of interre banks he could work into my nose. What? Yeah, she goes like, well, why can't you show me God? And he says, well, there are reports, especially amongst Jews and Muslims that Jesus

is appearing to them. Really want to see that, right? Just a bunch of guys sitting around and talking to you guys see that that's Jesus, right? And that crazy. And today, clearly, we're not talking about will put it in the report, mollus, put it in the report. And then we'll send it over to the main Jew. Yeah. Right. What?

But ultimately though, he refuses to fuck her. And she's furious, right? He leaves and she has this all. Nobody doesn't fuck me moment. That SOB because you know, we alcoholic atheists refuse to say bitch on pretty regular right now exactly we wouldn't want to be lured so all right so now grams is on his way back home. I love this so much Michaela interception something has gone terribly wrong now Michaela doesn't know what it is right nobody knows what it is because it hasn't even happened yet in the timeline.

She's like, something's gone wrong with Stephanie's like, what is it? She's like, well, it's in the next scene, but we have to go to that scene quick. Yep. Yeah, she is. Her Christ's sense is taking a day. Yeah, exactly, right. So, all right. So they leave.

They're going to go rescue Brad from the alcohol at that alcohol party. And then the biology professor shows up chasing after him drunkenly. She's like, you know, she stopped. She's like, Hey, you see that old guy that's to me character. I have to go give him a piece of my badge. Yeah. And the person's like, um, I don't know where I'm not a cop. Tell me where it is. I have to tell you if I am the am the other, the other characters are the ones who mentioned party. No one said party. You tell the fucking party. Hey, look, it's that guy from earlier in the movie.

You drive me there. Yeah. And by the way, the music is damn certain that she's going to kill Gramps when they got there, right? Oh, that would have been pretty great. All right. So now we would have been pretty great. All right. So now we cut to the alcohol party. Again, four people standing around trying to look like a crowd.

And they're having a, they're playing a drinking game, Stephanie versus Chase, in which they drink 20 shots of ever clear in three minutes and find out who's still alive. Yes. Answer, not Stephanie. Yes. So they're having a drinking contest to see who can consume the most alcohol. And suddenly Stephanie goes, I don't feel so good and falls down dead. Dead.

She dies from the alcohol in the movie. By the way, this is the events that happen. She falls down dead. Someone goes, is there a doctor in a house? Someone who is not the professor's friend. This is very important. Not the professor's friend goes, I'm pre-med. Yup, she's dead.

She has no vital signs. Yeah. So all the kids bail, right? They call 911 and they all run away so they won't get in trouble. But Brad stays behind with her and that's when grams and mccayla show up with biology professor harpy lady and tell yep so the biology professor comes run storming in to give uh grams a piece of her mind but then Brad has to yell at her and he has this amazingly verbose tirade about how she doesn't teach useful biology stuff like how to not drink 20 shots of ever a clear in three minutes,

but instead drives them away from the arms of a loving gun. And there are way too many words for him to yell. So he has to like take a big breath in the middle of his yelling shit. Poor kid gives it a call, but it's not a not a yellow ball line. And this is where Michaela is going to pray Stephanie back to life. And it's not the best part of the scene. She's going to pray Michaela back to life. And it is secondary to the craziest moment in the scene.

Because when Stephanie wakes up, we learned that when she died, she went to hell. Yes! Yes! She says it was so hot in there that the fire was so painful. We are so far beyond parity now. I've got nothing. I'm sorry sorry I have to cash in my chips at this point guys. There's so many times in this job and this is possibly tout amount amongst them where we just want to stop the God awful movies podcast and be like really it's on YouTube guys you just got to watch it. I feel like if you just watch it we can't do better than they did. Our goal is to make you laughed and you can watch it.

It's free on the internet. You should do it. All right, so yeah, so she gets prayed back to life and then biology professor and her buddy start to leave, right? And then biology professor has this amazing like moment of clarity where suddenly she understands God and she starts basically reading the side of the Dr. Bonner's soap package to us, right? Nothing she says makes any fucking sense. Also, her professor, buddy, she's like, are you sure she was dead? And he was like, yep, I checked her. No, no, you didn't.

No, we've been watching the movie. You weren't even there when the pre-med student did it. Yeah, exactly. You had no reason to think she was dead. But yeah, but she has this realization that information exists, which we're, which is weird because it has no properties that we can see, but she says like information is the third element of the universe. That must mean that there's a god and after this movie makes what it thinks is its big revelatory point. Another character in the movie turns to the person making that point and says, come on, you're drunk.

Yep. Yep. After she explains that the third element of the universe after matter and energy is information that the fourth element of the universe is free will. The other character in the film goes, yeah, you're really fucked up. We should get you home. You'll better about that. And look, look, no one I have been around some really fucking high people.

And we've been around some really fucking high people who also had a mental illness. That is what they talk about when they are starting to give into one of those things. Yes. Yes, this is exactly like that thing that occurs to you at 3 a.m. when you're on acid that you write down and then laugh about when you sober up again. Yeah. There's a note that's still on my phone that says dip the balloon in icy cold water. I didn't make a movie about it.

I don't know if I actually got to a balloon everybody. I don't know what was going on. It was just on my phone when I woke up. All right, so now we got to Stephanie in the hospital recovering from her death. She's being wheeled around and she says, I'm sorry, can we stop in the chapel for a moment? I need to rededicate my life to Christ. Yeah. Also, mom is here. Remember mom from the very second scene of the movie? Yeah. She's here. Yeah, we're supposed to recognize her. Fuck you. They sit down in the chapel

and she goes, mom, I'm so glad you came. She says, nothing's more important in the world than my daughter. Except God, of course, you come in second to the imaginary, dude, but literally she corrects her. She's like, well, except for God, mom. And she's like, right, of course, except for God, except for God. Yeah. So Stephanie has this tearful moment where she realized is that it's all college's fault that she lost her Christianity really. Yes, this is where her mom announces that her college professors and the entertainment professionals are listening to the devil. Yes, Satan is whispering messages into their ear. here. Hello, I'm an entertainment professional. Today I will be delivering you entertainment

for monetary goods and services. You wait till I tell you guys what, Satan whispered yesterday. And then by the way, Brad shows up and there's almost no reason to bring up that Brad shows up except that he shows up with the worst fucking bouquet ever. Oh, they're amazing. They're like, they're like the flowers that Michael throws out and you're waiting by the dumpster. You're like, you sure I can't have those and they're like, okay, okay. I mean, it's so weird to me when they manage to get something like bouquet of flowers wrong in these movies, right? Because you figure they just go to the same store as us, right? But no, no, they found some kind of dollar store florist or something and bought the worst

goddamn bouquet you can imagine. All right. So then we fade out on a cross. We ask ourselves, how can there still be half an hour left in this movie? And then we cut to biology class where apparently Dr. Tucker, the, the harpy lady that had the religious experience in the last scene, has been fired from her job for being religious. Hello, everyone. Professor Tucker is fired.

I'm your substitute college professor. Yes. Uh-huh, which is the thing. He's the interim professor. Yeah, I'm going to be showing you a video today Maybe we'll play kickball All right, everyone heads down thumbs up All right, and then oh my god, I'm so sad that I you know

No offense to you, Eli, but I want to tag in Heath right here. So goddamn bad. Because this is the basketball scene, right? This whole time as they're going from sport to sport to sport, you're like, but, but are they going to have the old man play them in a sport like basketball? And sure enough, we show up to play basketball. But in their intramural championships, the type of basketball that they've

chosen to play is horse. Well, huh? Cause it's, oh, yeah, you're right. Horse. Yeah, exactly. It's, huh, it's just, yeah, exactly. Wanted Bernie to come in and start making half court shots in the background. So yeah, so, and there's, we start off off there are three people, but we have to narrow it down to Grams and Jace pretty quickly.

So the first guy throws the goddamn ball as though he was, he's got a tray of glasses that was already going to fall and he's trying to push it away from him. You know, and and grams, my the way throws the goddamn ball like it's pinching him on its way away But it doesn't matter because we're not gonna do any of this in a single shot or anything We're gonna see somebody throw it and we're gonna see a ball going into the basket And we'll barely catch the ladder that they had to pull up in the shot. Yeah, right They won't be coming from the angle the guy standing at but you know, let's not get technical here

But yes, grandpa beats Jace at horse. And that's the last straw, damn it. Now they're falling so far behind the intramural standings that they might not be able to catch up at all, which means it's time to take Gramps out to it. Yeah, the buddy goes like, I think we need to do something about that. And Jason's like, we need to kill the old man. God, you got you. I just happy. He's like, no, no, put the girl away, man. I was thinking we would get him kicked out of school, you know, but accuse him of buying alcohol for minors or something. He's like, oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Carrying around this girl for nothing. I wanted him to be like, hey, man,

you suggest murder too often. Can I give you that note for an intermural trophy? I need you to up post it for murder. Now we'll go get my friend in theater who refused to do this movie to act out the getting alcohol by the old guy. Yeah, right. So, okay, so then we cut directly from that to the meeting with the college administrator where they tell him that they're going to kick him out of school. He's going to be expelled. This is when we see the close up on that only science can unlock the mysteries of the universe poster that we've seen like three times now.

Yes. Yes. Also, when he says you're expelled. Oh, God. Gramps goes expelled. Great title for a movie. I mean, I get it. I like, I even know what movie he's talking about and still what? Anyway, yeah, and they don't tell him like why he's been expelled, right? Just no. He pulls out a piece of paper with handwriting on it and says, I've been keeping an eye on you

here on this piece of paper with various highlights and scribbles on it. You are fired from college. Yeah, so he goes out to commiserate with his pals and he's thinking that maybe what he'll do is stay in town and get an apartment and help college kids. Love Jesus by leading Bible studies. Now this scene is hardly worth bringing up except for the fact that he makes this whole big speech about how if we really follow Jesus, our lives would be as adventurous as Lord of the Rings. No idea what he's going for there, but that's what he said. I love to.

He's just like, yeah, you know, people say that it's super boring to be Christian because you're just dwelling on the same Bronze Age book over and over again, but it's not, it's not like that. It would be fun like a book. I really like you better. You're like a hobbit that had to bring your ring to a volcano is how cool it would be fun like a book I like you better you're like a hobbit that had to bring a ring to a volcano is how cool it would be It's it's it's like one of those not at all boring adventure like

Frodo's journey in Lorraine Oh these kids want some fucking excitement. I'll tell them about that Four-page conversation about tobacco. That'll fucking get him. Side. There you go, kids. Tony the tiger, my ass. But now, of course, the problem here, though,

is that now that he's been expelled, he can't help him win intramural championships. So he's going to have to teach Brad how to tennis good in a montage. And by the way, we're just fucking montage in cinematic history because half of it is tennis training, but the other half is just literally him playing duck duck goose with children. Yep, it is him leading Bible studies and just I thought for a second, I was like, oh, is he is he going back to kindergarten?

Is that what happened? He's now going down raises his hand during color learning time. Excuse me. I don't believe in red. Does right have any properties that I can see and touch? How much does red weigh? Yeah, so he's doing puppets. He's wearing duck, duck, goose. They're teaching tennis. That's a scene. Also, it's just a tiny moment, but I have to talk about it. He does the like, that's not a racket. This is a racket and hands him a ever so slightly nicer racket that is not that nice. It is tragic. It'd be like being like, Oh, is that a 1992 Volvo? Maybe you should try my 1993 Pissot. Try a real car. Well, if you could discern any difference between those two rackets, congratulations.

They were identical to me and I paused the movie. So yeah, right. So he teaches him out of tennis. So now it's time for the big tennis tournament because that's how this fucking movie works, guys. Yep. So we skip ahead. Now there will be literally no tennis play during this tennis scene. Zero tennis. I just wrote in my notes, oh my god, we're just going to cut back and forth between the score and the girls reacting to the score, aren't we? Yes, we do. Yes, we are. Um, mate, the only thing that we ever see is there's literally one shot at the very end

of J standing still while a ball flies past him and everyone yells, hooray, Brad one. Well, and by everyone, we mean the three people. Yeah, exactly. The only people watching this championship, apparently are Stephanie, Michaela and Gramps. Yeah. Mm-hmm. By the way, Brandt's immediate reaction to winning the Intermural tennis tournament. Oh, my fucking shrubber shit.

I can't stop this shit. Totally. There's also this great moment between Jason Gramps, where Jason says to Gramps, he's like, you go to hell. And then Gramps goes, you go to heaven. I'm going to be praying for you, so goddamn hard, Jason. But now Gramps has to leave his work here as done. So he has to wander on like Bruce Banner at the end of an episode.

And by the way, yes, I did spend several minutes arguing with myself, whether I should use David or Bruce in that example. But yes, but he has to go. So it's time for everybody to tell him goodbye. We have, well, everybody being Michaela and Stephanie, they, for whatever reason, couldn't get Brad for this scene. Yes. So they have to explain it. They're like, Brad's not here, not because he said we could only have him for the weekend, but because he loves you so much and he loves you. That is why he is not in this now time scene. So time. Michaela's like, Hey, I bought you this crucifix. Don't try not to bend it. Try not to bend it. It'll bend. I got it from hot topics though.

I got you the gaudiest piece of Christianity. Four dollars can buy. To which he responds, and this is the fucking best if you read his blog. I just pray my granddaughter, whom I've never met, turns out just like he is. That's so fucking sad. It's such a fucking dark. What a crazy piece of darkness. What a gift. What a gift into this human's worldview.

We could have been this guy's therapist for six years and not gotten a more tragic or personal revelation. He put in the script of this. All right, wait. So now Stephanie gives him a card. Dr. Tucker, the biology professor that found Jesus has sent him a card. Somehow the card has eight and a half pages of writing on it because he reads this for 15 fucking minutes. And it's just Dr. Tucker is a Christian now. Yeah. So now he's, he's got to leave because damn, he doesn't want to cry like a woman, but he's

sure will miss those scrappy kids. So he goes to leave. And for no reason that is explicable given what we know about this movie, when he goes to leave the hallway is lined on both sides by elderly people and tiny children cheering for him. It is so sad. If the camera had faded out as he was walking through them and then faded up on him alone and a nursing home staring at the window. Yeah, we love you.

All the marshmallow peeps I can eat, you shouldn't have. Oh God, that would have been the perfect. That's the Dallas season seven ending that this moving needs. Yes, sir. All right, so then, okay, we're almost done. We cut to Michaela. Now she's challenging this new biology professor with more why are you afraid of God level arguments?

Yep. And then we cut to a group of middle schoolers standing up and reading their favorite what quotes Just in a line. Yeah, okay, first of all they apparently decided to go with like you know strongest reader shortest quote rule here It's it's just out of the blue. These are not characters from the movie. Just out of the blue, we cut to a classroom with six kids standing up. Each one of them will read a quote from a smart person that they think supports their side of the argument. Right. Well, no, I'm sorry, the first two have smart people after that. They really have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel there. By the way, second kid mispronounces irreconcilable.

He's like, surgeon, surgeon science says that evolution is irreconcundable. And then he looks into the camera like, should we do another take and everyone behind the camera nods? No. We also get a anti-evolution quote, well, not even an anti-evolution quote, we get a somewhat godlike quote from the great scientist Leo Tolstoy.

Like I said, they ran out early on. I thought I was having a nightmare. I thought I'd fallen asleep in this movie and was just having a nightmare. But no, I went back and checked. This is really in the movie. All right. So one last thing, whether we've come full circle, we're back in the gym. That one guy is still doing the same exercise on the same machine as though he's just been

trapped there through the whole movie. My tricep is literally dead. It's legally dead. The blood flow has stopped. It's just a black hunk of flesh that hangs off my body. How was college? Did you? Did you win? Is this first question? Did you win college? Yep, and he says yes. I'm just like Rambo, but for Jesus

and Then oh, and then of course he has to close it off with like a and don't forget this movie is so stupid We prayed people back to life in it earlier, the end. The end. He practically says out loud. All right. So I got to say, honestly, I feel bad because I was really looking forward to it. I don't think I have the linguistic capacity to really encapsulate how bad this movie is.

So if you've never watched one of the movies, you think that we're like exaggerating how bad they are. This is the one to see. It's on YouTube. You don't have to pay for it or anything. It is so funny. Like I honestly, you already said that you thought unexpected barmits for which worse. So I'll leave off my question about whether this was the best worst movie we've ever seen. But that's literally where I was at the end of this. That was the last question I had was like is there anything that we've ever seen that is more Bad than this Yeah, and I look this show has proven over 220 episodes that we can always go down I just don't know how yeah right right like that's the thing is that the fucking past has told us no

There's something worse than this that somehow we're going to dig up in the future, but man, I can't even conceive of it from this dimension. All right, so while that's going to do it for our review of Gramps Goes to College, it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to fire you up for next week, so Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, for years now in the softest whispers, I've heard of a Christian SNL that haunted church youth groups across the nation. Sure, there was a clip here, a mention on a blog there, but after an Indiana Jones-like effort, I have uncovered it. The first full episode of Fire by Night.

So next week we will be watching Fire by night episode one, peer pressure. So you might not have to wait long for us to find some. We might just fucking. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 220 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn really access to an ad free version

of every episode. You can also help a ton by the link on five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a diastitation needed in the skeptic grad, which are available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email my Godoffem email me at gmail.com, link of services for this podcast or provide a bit of offices at PM Drutora. Tim Robbins takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in the performance of Ryan Slotnik and we will be able to wrap up on Mars. All other music was written in the performance by our audio engineer, Morton Clark and we'll use it with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right?

Neely, Bob Stingam, Noel Luthor, promise to work hard, and learn the trunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Eli spent the rest of his life reading Donald James Parker's blogs. He died happy. A thorough understanding of evolution went on to cure diseases and shit. including fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia. Ha ha. Hey, Morgan, just for the record, right when we went to record these interstitials, and it goes, like, should I get my mic? And he's like, no, no, you can use mine.

And she's like, Morgan hates it when we do that. And he lies like, yes, but I don't care. It's not what I said, Morgan. I said, suffer. She only has a few. She's so short. I don't care. Not what I said Morgan. I said suffer. She only has a few. She's so short. I don't like short people. You know, I do, man.

I married one that makes you look like a fucking giant. So, you know, I'm in the clear. It's like those racists that's like, they're like, how could I be racist if my wife's a Filipino? That's right. I'm like that, but with height. You would be amazed at how many slurs I'm allowed to say. Hey.

Hey. Nice. And we'll do another four count. Excellent. Five counting. Five count. But you were close. What is this to goddamn holy grail? Did you?

One five, sir. Move me so fucking insane. Oh, Morgan, just you wait, sir. That's no exaggeration at all. I wasn't sure which movie we were doing. And now I remember exact who I should move you, guys, we're doing. Oh, this is so awesome.

Would they play basketball? It's horse. Oh, they play horse. when they play basketball its horse. They play horse. They do play horse. Competitive horse. Competitive, inner mirror horse. Oh, poor heath. I can't believe he missed this one.

All right, sorry. Interstitiality. Oh, them, I think. That was like maybe my favorite moment in all of like, because the thing is like, look, so when people ask me what's the worst thing that you ever watched, I will not give them this one, right? Because I'm still going to give them like a, a footman tire you, or something like that because that one is fun to watch.

This one was not fun to watch, right? This was a goddamn slog. It took me eight hours to get through this piece of shit, but it might literally be the worst thing that we've ever seen, just in terms of the writing and the argumentation and the cinematography of course, it's just like Chip Rosetti is just the absolute worst that you can get, right? It's, if you went out and started filming something with your iPhone, you would instinctually do something better than this.

I would instinctually not just film in the dark if I wanted to see it. It's true. It is true. You know, he's got several more movies we haven't done yet. They're staying. I know. I found them all. I'm so excited.

Oh, good. I like to say I felt so bad leaving Heath out on this one. We'll make sure we get a month for the next chipper, Zetty. Oh, yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019. All rights reserved.