God Awful Movies - 221: Gam221 Fire by Nite 1: Peer Pressure

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of the debut episode of "Fire by Nite"; a frighteningly long running evangelical rip off of Saturday Night Live that had a less strict policy about offensive accents. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to [e-mail], along with info on who you want insulted. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Blaine explains that he could have sex with women if he wanted to, but he's saving himself for marriage. Yeah, I didn't know. He's just like, you know, 80% of kids lose their virginity before graduating high school. I read that, but that has to be high. That's crazy. Who has sex before they're 38 and they're living in their mom's basement doing comedy show and what? Who's taught who wants to fucking apple pie?

There's an apple pie counts God awful movie OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII And he's then right. He's welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who fucks who box every mustache of the nineteen eight. It was an amazing. It was November for a decade. And it was glorious. And we get to see some of it with this movie. I just think anyone but Andrew has ever said about my decade. Thank you. He's. Thank you. Some strong mulits. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. It's a good time. And of course, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are

you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah, ready to dive headfirst into the premier Christian entertainment that they've offered in the last four decades. All right. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. What is furious about that? Right? Oh, yeah. No, shit. He just pulled his headphones out. He stormed to see his agent. He's going to see us. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Ethan, what will we be breaking down today? All right, so tell us, Ethan, what will we be breaking down today? We watched okay, boomer, the sketch comedy. It's amazing. It's called Fire by Night and I T E and we watched episode, Motherfucking One.

We watched the 1986 pilot of this direct ripoff of Saturday Night Live, but for Christian people. Yeah. So it's, it's a terrible monologue by a non-comedy and a bunch of uninspired sketch comedy and a musical guest. And Christians took that model and made it so much worse with this one. Added a sitcom in there. This sitcom in the sketch comedy show. There's a, I think a podcast interview. Somebody's first podcast interview is in there in the format. It's pretty amazing.

You read, you read in the show. He tried to read in the show. He has two cards. He has trouble with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So Eli, how bad was this episode? Well, you can even do a enthusiastic well. You're just like, well, well, you know, the first episode of SNL and you watch it now. And you're like, no, George Carlin, too much cocaine. Oh, he does not do well in that model.

He is a comedian. God, I know one of the best. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, If you love youth group, but your pastor actually had the courage to end it all and it was a real bummer for everybody You will love this movie. It's a Saturday night live in the path of the Lord I enjoyed it though. It's fun to watch. I enjoyed watching. Yeah, no, it was it was it was fun to watch them fail so bad because they seemed cognizant of it, right? Like most of the time they seem like they knew they were failing. They tried, but knew they failed. So it was both. Yeah. Both of the great parts. You got to see him be like, oh, it's our new. No, it's going really badly. It's right away. It's real bad. All right. So Eli, please tell me that all the other episodes

of this were lost tragically in a fire and we'll never were not on the box. Have you ever known? No. And so does everyone else because they're on YouTube in order. Also, I'm not sure. But based on the future outlook that I've seen, the guy who uploaded these to YouTube did so with a heart full of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is deeply, deeply upset and offended that anybody doesn't like every single episode of this show and shines in on the comments. So get ready for some comments. They're pretty. Fantastic. The show lasted for like 10 years, didn't it? It went well into the 90s.

Oh, wow. Starting in 86, they just kept making them. Yeah, well, I guess you don't have to make money at it. You can keep going. Yeah. All right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for being the best to be the worst at? Uh, yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst YouTube pity recommendations. They're amazing. They're amazing. So I'm watching it on YouTube, like everybody did. And all the suggestions for up next were Chris Farley stuff.

They were like YouTube was certain. I'd made a terrible mistake. And they really wanted to fix it. It's like error messages popping up on my screen. Oh, no, no, if you want to skate comedy, we have better than this. No, hold on. We do.

I promise. Are you sure you didn't mean Chris Farley? Are you positive? Netflix pops up. Are you still watching? What? I'm not even on your surface. Is it?

Yeah, but are you though? All right, so I was going to go with best worst studio audience. Okay, now look, I'm sure the people who made this would tell you there was no studio audience and they were just on a soundstage somewhere, but my theory is that there was, right? It made so much more fun to watch. If you just imagine that there was an audience sitting there in Stoney silence the entire time, not outside the room of possibility. Yeah. All right, I was gonna go with best worst what's hot.

Amazing. All of this is segment that they do. Not a lot of movies we've watched have tried to tell us what's hot, but I would venture all of them have done a better job than this movie. Yeah. Uh, strong. You don't like DeGarmo and Key that tells us about DeGarmo and Key.

We review six, six, six, or MTV. Yeah. We get a really, really intense DeGarmo and Key analysis. And this film, I enjoyed that a lot. Also, baby and a doctor's face into this. Pretty awesome that we actually had all of the, the backstory on it going into. All right, well, I'll tell you what,

we're about to enter a world where heath can authoritatively criticize the accent work. So we're going to need a minute to prepare, but we'll be back on the other side of this break with the desperate impressions of comedy that are fire by night Episode one peer pressure I'm done with the title that we swear that's the end of the title

Full movie 2016 All right guys welcome to the very first writing session for Fire by Night. Whoa, just, no, yeah, just quick thing you spelled night wrong. No, it didn't. They shut up. Shut up, Dave. Okay. Okay. So no wrong answers.

Let me hear them sketch ideas. Um, okay. So there's this guy and this girl and they're on a date. Right? I don't know. I don't think that's for us. Yeah, a little bit risque. I would say I'm even married. Really? Yeah. Okay, I got one. I got one. So what about a bunch of guys? They're all sitting around. They're playing poker and gambling. Yeah, no, can't do gambling. Right, right.

Sorry. Yep. Okay. All right. You know what? New plan. Let's tackle this from a different direction. Let's put up some ideas of the things that we can talk about. Right.

Yeah. Perfect. So. Not. No. No. So Not The Bible the Bible great yes, yes, we have one Okay, I'm putting it up. We got one we got one um school

Lunches school lunches hilarious don't because the food is not particularly good a lot of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's very fun. I'm getting, well, not ideas, but I got a beer. We could talk about beer. Seriously, dude, when, no, no, no, hear me out. The fact that beer will kill you. Beer will kill you. Great. Now that's going on the board too. That's funny. Yeah. Yep. Uh, okay. What about, um, uh, we can talk about, you know what, that's probably fine for

80 episodes. 80 episodes. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. It's a not great. Yeah. That's a decade of material. Sure.

And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up on Eli learning that a desperate effort by an out of touch Christian group to seem convincingly 80s. Hip is ultimately indistinguishable from actually being 80s. Hip and that was depressing actually. This little opening montage, the ridiculous big hair and the synthesizer tunes and the ridiculously large opaque sunglasses in the middle of the night. See, we're going to have pictures in New York and our credits too. Yeah, they're just like clearly stealing the New York City opening from SNL here. What they have, they have no idea what a real city looks like. I don't know where they filmed this, but I don't think it's New York City. It's a Miscogi somebody's

house. And they accidentally show us what I'm pretty sure was a drug deal between two gay men. Take me there. Like you've taken me there. It seemed to be too very, very flamboyantly leather scantily clad men definitely doing a drug deal, kind of like, like a village people scenario. Crazy dress. The sixth village person was actually just a drug dealer, but the outfit never made any sense. So they caught him. That was a whole thing. Yeah, they're always rotating those things. There was like the leather, whatever. There was like leather guy. There was just leather guy. Yeah. Wasn't there? Yeah. So there's a couple of them doing that. I really hope the guys in this intro did that for spite. They were just like, yeah, this is New York City guys. We're going to do it up for a New York get up.

So yes, so we get their cheap ass SNL ripoff intro and then we meet our host. This is a blame Bartel Bartel, right? Yeah, illiterate Dana Carvey. Oh my God, yeah. So this guy is gonna do what he seems to think comedy is like, right? He's gonna do an impression of comedy. Right, but like an aliens impression of comedy, right? Yeah. Right. No, he doesn't know about punchlines. No.

He hasn't gotten to the end of the class yet. Not really premises either or subjects or predicates. Yeah, just completely alien. He just shows, he walks on stage and he's like, did my thing that says blame Bartle come up. So everybody knows that I'm the blameaine Bartle, the little thing. Cool. All right. Speaking of premises, school.

Yeah. Well, yeah, that's the thing. A thing I'm talking about now. I feel like he went online and saw there was a class and like observational humor and he was like, well, that's all there is to it. Observations. Yeah, right. Already.

I know nouns and I will observe them. I will verb those nouns. What is up with all of the 99. The rocket of steepments. Um, so yeah, right. And honestly, like he is, I swear to God, he gets as far as, well, we're glad you're here for our inaugural, before he flubs a line, right? Yes, he goes, we're glad you're here for our inaugural blog, podcast. Like, okay, we're rolling with it. There's no audience, but it's still live. He thought about his name.

He was like, inaugural Blaine Blah. I was thinking of me. I thought of me. Nice to know that way the masturbator has less editing than our show. Yeah. Okay, so he's going to start off with his little monologue about how tough school is, he feels the need to tell us that he graduated from school. He's like 36 and he seems to think he keeps looking at the camera going like, I'm sure you guys thought I was 17. No, I'm not. I'm a high school graduate, like from a while back. But I'll have you know, I play one later on, wink.

I don't believe he's been to a high school. I don't believe, he, during this little bit, he's like, yes, you know, in high school when you learn about how George Washington is. Yes. Yes. He's going like, you know what I loved about school is when you had to how George Washington. Yes. Yes. Yes. He's going like, you know what I loved about school is when you had to raise your hand.

They'd ask you like, who's the first president of the United States and everybody raised their hand and man, I hated that about high school. Really? Interesting. Blake, can you name another thing that you learned in high school? Bood hats. Yeah, right. Blaine Bartles is my name. Food hats. Yeah, right.

Lane Bartles is my name. Shit, I did it again. Yeah. So he proceeds to do his like tight 30 seconds on the humor of handraising. Yep. Which was like he thought he had a character impression that he was working on. The teacher. Yeah, yes.

Done. That's the character. Yep. And then with that hand raising bit out of the way, he's no longer off book. So he has to take out his cue cards. He made it three minutes into the show. Yeah. Before being like, sorry, all of this comedy gold is mostly written down for me.

Let me flip over to the next cue guard. Ah, I see. Number. Pointed is food. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, say it's not like you can't says use the props on your weird. Oh, yeah, then he tries for God damn prop comedy. He's like, and I'll tell you what else could be a funny premise if somebody other than me was right. A freshman at high school survival kit?

Get it? Uh huh. Check. I was just happy that they were going to use that weird pile of shit to get to the beginning and I was like, what the fuck is he doing with that stuff? It's like an empty chair POW display with like the fake lemon and everything. At this point, I wrote in my notes, okay, new theory, this gentleman just watered on to set

and they just cut the end where he called his ex-wife a bitch and believes brains out. And so at the end here, he has a moment where he's like tired of swirlies. What about the seniors? And I wanted him so badly to pull out a gun. He's like, this will stop him. It's the 80s.

Yeah, okay. So the premise of this whole thing, he's like, he's like, you know, we'll give you the freshman survival kit. If you call now, and just to give you an idea how bad it is, he's like, one of the worst things about being a freshman is you don't know your way around. So you could use this cane to pretend you're blind. And then people will ask you, it would be able to help you get around, get it, because if you were blind, so you look, I'll put it out. I'll put the cane in the glasses on it. I'll act like a blind person.

So it's Christian. So he's only knowing the stool, right? And that's the end of the bit. That's it. It's right. Nope. I'm blind. Like he's doing prop comedy.

He stole from soul man. And that's it. That's the blind people be walking like this. Yeah, seriously. If this ended in blackface, I would have been zero percent. Yeah. I was like, oh, yep. This, this tracks. This is what I expected. You're the only kid they want to help out more than the blind kid. That's right. Pulls out grease paint on screws. The blind kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, to help me with the rest of this sketch. Prime Minister of Canada. Oh God. Also, the data point that he introduced here to get the blind bit going was crazy, right? He says 95% of Americans have compassion for blind people. I won't know the 5% or two. That was very important to me. Who was like one in 20 people is like, no, fuck that. Whatever. Faking it. You should have thought of that before you couldn't see. Yeah. Well, and also I love how effortlessly he shifts into, he's like, yeah, so let's see, what do we know about going to school? You got to find your way to class. You got to remember your locker number. The food isn't good. Oh, also, you constantly get your head shoved into

a toilet, right? Is that everyone or just me? This is another time where he starts completely forgetting his bits and he has to go back to his cue cards, but he's a very, very slow reader. So he's like, so we watch him sound out his next Q card before he delivers it. It's amazing. He's just like another scenario that I have written down perhaps is toilets are funny toilets. It's so rough. He goes into slow motion, like reading his cue cards made him go into slow motion. It was so fun. Yeah. And by the way, his the part of the freshman survival kit that you get in case you're worried about having your head shoved into a toilet is beans. Cause if you fart, people will not want to be around you. He's when I can verify that farting a bunch does not stop bullies

from picking up. I mean, we're from different ends of the spectrum about why we know that. We can both tell you it doesn't stop the bullies from picking on you. Yeah, if you're concerned is that your head's going to get shoved into that toilet later, maybe a big diet of beans isn't a great way to go, but not smelling good doesn't solve as many problems as you think. It's a tip for everybody. All right, so that's the whole thing, by the way, that's the opening monologue. Boy, that guy school food, that sure is crap, huh?

And then we cut to their first skit. This is the best thing, which is titled Communist High. All right. I'm name a mass hysteria. This is the best thing, which is titled communist high. All right. I'm name a mass hysteria. Anybody? If I heard communist, nobody said that. I said communist. I would like it to be communist.

And now name a pop comedy premise from my monologue moments ago. High school. Got it. If high school tires you, what will footmen do? Yeah. Okay. So, and this is the first time we're introduced to these actors doing accents. All right. Now, I'm not going to sully the name of a communist accent by applying it to these guys because they just start doing accents and then give up

and remember later, it's like me. And as far as I can tell, the idea of this sketch is imaginative schools were publicly funded, right? The scary, terrible communist thing they open up with is The pledge of allegiance well way bit to the wrong flag He lied to the wrong I was I love that they think that everybody had guns and I'm just like yeah what American would want guns in the schools wouldn't want to have teachers aren't with guns There's like pledging allegiance and guns in schools both much more of an American thing than a Russian thing. Sorry guys Yeah, they also manage pretty

impressively to fuck up the repeat after me joke Everybody repeat after me No, you're supposed to say no, I'm standing behind you stop. We're restarting the bit. I would physically or just verbally carrying after you. I'll shoot you with this fake follow you online. I shot you. So they do that bit. But the whole, the whole skit basically is that they're trying to get into a pledge allegiance to Vladimir Lenin. I almost said, but this one 30 I Lenin. Yeah, that's not nearly a Julian. But this 36 year old high school student that's balding with a mustache doesn't want a pledge allegiance to Vladimir Lenin. He wants to pledge allegiance to Jesus. Yep. And Yep, and his argument is Jesus is alive and communism is dead.

Yep. Both demonstrably false. Yep, yeah. So the kid points that out. He's like, yeah, Jesus is like, live, come on man. And the teacher says, oh, you only worship Jesus. Is that a new American standard? And the guy, the kid's like, no, it's actually King James.

Those upon about the title of Bible version that they threw in there. Yep. Which means he thought the lived the fact that 1980s him sat in the writer's room with his arms crossed until they kept that line in the toe. New American standard. They're going to fucking love it. Right in the pilot. Come on, podcast.

All right, so they take Boris, the one who won't pledge allegiance to to Lenin, out back to shoot him. But I guess God stops the bullets or something they miss. So they send him back to class. Send him back to class. And then they've got this hilarious bit where they're all gonna read out loud from the Communist Manifesto and it's stuff like run, Marxist, run. And can you imagine?

Well, in little note here, they try to do a big thing where they're like, a Communist Manifesto, volume one, part one, episode C appendix A, Communist Manifesto's 48 pages, okay? Yeah, Yeah, it's a long pamphlet. Yep. Christians, you get a lot of hypocrisy just based on being old, but you should definitely not accuse other people of having overly long, boring books. Stay in your zone. Yeah. And if everybody who ever read the Bible, read marks and angles instead, the world

be a much better place. Yeah. Absolutely. Right. Right. Yeah. But then the same kid or was it a different kid? No, it was the same kid. Yeah. He, they sent him back in after they failed to shoot him to death. And this time he reads the Bible instead of the communist manifesto. That'll show him. Oh, you were. Yeah. And he says like, I'm the way, the truth and the life. And then they're like, we're going to kill you with bazookas this time. Bazookas didn't work. Yeah.

Get it? They missed, they missed a great opportunity there though. At the end, that could have been the end of this sketch. And they should have been like, I am the way the truth and the life from New York. It's fire. Oh. Idiots. Keith, were you that writer in the 1980s? I'm gonna get fired by that. Oh. Idiots.

Heath, were you that writer in the 19th? You have to tell us if you were. Show us your day. Show us your day. All right. So, yeah, so no, they bring him out to shoot him again this time with bazookas, but they miss again, even with the bazookookas because Jesus is on his side. They also fuck up the my wife bit here. He's like, you idiots. If you're going to miss, I'll send you to work at the manure plant with my wife.

Wait, no, your my wife in your carpool, please. Wait, you are supposed to say something about my wife. In Zoukas. In Soviet Russia, manoeuars, why you? No, that's okay. You what's happening? Sketches over. Start again, my wife. Repeat after me.

And then okay, so this entire thing is like watching you ever been around like Three funny people and then another guy right and other guy keeps coming up with like things that could be funny potentially But amazing puns. Yeah That's where no it was going with That's where you've been going with this. It's fine. It's fine. Is this over shark? No, this is because we did.

I watched it. Let's get it out on air. I did my own review. Oh my God. He thought for movies. It's a one off one episode. All right. So, but no, but that's the thing is that this is constantly like this setup that the other guy thinks you're going to make funny for him, but it isn't good, right? Because like right after

that ends, it's like coming this fall, Muscogee vice. Get it? It's like Miami vice, but Muscogee, it's a, Muscogee is a small town in Oklahoma. He probably haven't heard of it. Even heard of it, but my, uh, my grandma's there. It's far out there. She said we could drive around her property. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing right is that they don't have anywhere to go with this because yes, absolutely. If comedians were handed the premise, all right, guys, like my Emmy vice, but in a small town. Okay, go. You might be able to do something with it, but instead we've get the redneck sitting around going like, I bet there will

be tobacco in seeing at the party and then cops pulling over and yelling at them to go to youth group. Yeah. Yeah. And where they they landed the only idea that they came up with they made one choice and it was imagine if the cops were black right? What if the cops were black? What do we did a race reversal on a time to kill? Jesus Christ. But yeah, but so we have the red necks and they're like oh there be awesome party and a lot of fornication and then the cops show up to bust them for not Knowing that Jesus loves them Get it end of sketch end of sketch. Yes And now it's time for drunk guy

And now it's time for drunk guy. Not drunk guy. This guy is trying to act drunk. That's the entire bit here. He has never had a drink. Absolutely not. Absolutely. Everything I ever own and will own and could own says this man has never been intoxicated. Yes.

No. This man is playing drunk like a mean impersonation of Richard Dawkins. That is his person. Okay. If that's what he was actually doing well, it would have been a good. Yeah. No, yeah. He didn't. He didn't pull that off. Unfortunately. Like if he, if this guy actually got drunk, we would have got like five minutes of guilty weeping and possibly masturbation. And it would have been amazing, actually, an amazing scene. I would have rather watched this actor jerk off and cry at the same time.

Well, I mean, that there's a lot of stuff that we watched that I would pick that over. But yeah, that's upright citizen brigade right there. Yeah, that's good stuff. Thank you. So, yeah, so this is, so they cut in though with like this fake beer added. It's the whole stick is just this guy. Look, he's drunk. That's pretty funny.

This will come back, right? It is aside from Carmen's ego. It is the only running joke of this show. And the Carmen one isn't on purpose. Nope. So and now, okay, so but then after that, so for Blaine cuts into it to have a serious talk with some peer pressure, and I realized suddenly like that stuff that we just watched, that was the stuff that was there to like keep us entertained so we'd stick around for

the boring shit. Yeah, he thinks we had a lot of fun today. And so now it's time to be serious. Yeah. So he starts, he comes on to talk to us about peer pressure. And he's like, look, it's not that peer pressure is bad. It's that your peers are bad, right? You just have to imagine all the apostles watching you when you masturbate and you'll be fine. Yeah. Sure, you got two buddies offering you a cigarette, but you have hundreds of dead Christian ghosts watching you at all times. How's that for peer pressure? And this is where Blaine Bartle

actually uses the phrase, as Christian young people, I was starting to understand that he was about to say, I was like, abs so fucking loately not, you're not a young, you're fucking 45, you're gonna play a high school kid in a second now. No, unacceptable. Also, why was he terrified throughout this whole thing? Um, because he's about to interview world famous celebrity carbon.

And fucking blow it. Yes, he is. He is shaking. Like, and he's talking, he's trying to give his, he does this throughout. He has these moments where they give him like five minutes to just talking, it does not go well. It's like someone just off cameras, faking like they're about to punch him in the face.

And he gives up like half flinching and he's shaking and he's worried. Someone just off cameras faking like they're about to punch him in the face and gives up like half flinching and he's shaking and he's worried. But then yeah, Carmen shows up to save him. Yeah. Well, and I love the, okay, so first of all, the intro just not is careful not to oversell Carmen, right? He says, this is an exact quote. My guest's music has touched thousands across North America.

They're not even going for tens, just thousands. Fucking literally dozens and dozens. Can we say and dozens, dozens? Literally thousands of people. Yeah. And then they go into this interview where clearly this dude, Blaine, has not put any thought whatsoever into what kind of questions he's going to ask. And Carmen wouldn't know a good question if he heard one anyway. So he's like, the Q&A is impossibly but all it's like, so where did you guys shoot this? He's like a train station. It's like, you know, that's probably going to be obvious once we're looking at it.

I guess I'm fascinating. Fascinating. Train station, huh? Where is that? Denver. Cool. Cool. Yep. You remember when I asked you where you filmed? Oh, stupid. Stupid. Speaking of Denver, how are you today? Now. Busy. Oh, cool. Cool.

Do you have a fun story about Denver? No. Cool. Cool. How was the weather there in Denver? Busy. Medium? Okay, let's go to the video.

Yes. Okay. Okay, let's go to the video. Yeah. And yes, okay. So then we get this amazing video about, it starts off about how I saw a dude who said he was Christian, but he was smoking cigarettes. Mother fucker. Yep. They show him smoking a cigarette and then putting it out. And then he stubs it out with his foot and they zoom in on his foot. And there's a pile of like 10 cigarettes right there. So this guy just like didn't move

at all. Just smoked 10 cigarettes in a row and then started dancing and singing. That's what happened in his life. It's old man shakes fisted the cloud, the rock song. Oh, it's old man shakes fisted cloud the rock song. Oh, it's amazing. Here's an actual line from the fucking song. He says, I saw two brothers go to a sexy movie show. And they fucking died. They died. They died of secular movie. I want to talk about my personal experience with that line because I was like, oh, that's weird. Like he's talking about like gay guys going to like porn theaters and fucking each other in the background. And then to be like, nope, they're just mad about seeing secular movies. And I was like, whoa, I'm pretty sure they're fucking. Are you sure? Come on. Did you see them deal drugs at the beginning?

I think if the same guy comes. You say so. And of course, Carmen is in a tux the whole time and it's just funny. I mean, I don't, I know that he's not supposed to be funny, but it's goddamn hilarious that he's wandering around in this tux the whole time. Oh my God. If you if you told me that Carmen's music videos inspired the entirety of Tony and Tina's wedding, I would believe you. And if you told me that Carmen's music videos were just what he did that day in real life,

I would not be surprised at all. He just has a tuxedo and a like old time microphone in his car at all times. And he's just going to old train stations Denver, I guess. I don't know to condemn women for going out dancing. Yeah, right. To yell at the guy smoking a cigarette outside the abandoned train station. Yeah. So yeah. So he's, we have a verse about how bad cigarettes are. We have a verse about how bad movies with cleavage in a mar and then he's got a verse about two sisters that went to a dancing club. Those are it. That's the term he uses as dancing club to drink beer and they fucking died. They died. Also dead. Yep.

And I love that was the title of this song a little bit more conviction or was that just like a refrain? Yeah, well, I believe the title was, was just conviction. Conviction? Okay, but the refrain is a little bit more conviction. And I like that it's, it's a small ass. Well, what are know that he was repeating his direction over and over again during the music video.

Yeah, maybe he was just yelling at the back of singers the whole time. Hey, Blaine Bartles, you want to calm down? Stop saying mantra. Also, why are you in everything in this entire show, Blaine Bartles? Okay. So, and I just want to other comment on the song, because the bridge, right? The bridge where he just starts coming and going, little more conviction. You know, and stuff like that. The bridge was very clearly making fun of the rest of the song.

And then, of course, it ends with him, like, for like for lonely and profoundly taking his bow tie off like this train station isn't good enough for my bow tie and He throws it to the ground, but then the guy who was smoking the cigarettes finds it Put it on and then he becomes a non-smoking Christian. Oh It's like the ring Carman's gonna crawl out of a television set and screw up his face. One of the guy to be like, holy shit, are you Tony Bennett? Fuck you, okay?

You don't want to be in it, wishes. Every time. Wishes. The only guy with a bow tie. Bow ties are everybody's thing. Anybody can have a bow tie. You have to let people have bow ties. You'll be hearing from my thousands of fans. All right.

So now, so that video ends not a moment too soon. And then we miss it right away, right? Because the next skit is the Jerusalem news update. Oh, God. With Ned Kapelstein is the name. Yeah. This is what my depression tells me Bible Peace Theater is. It's easier wondering what myself image is like in the depths of despair.

This is what I think Bible Peace Theater sounds like. Oh, God. So, yeah. So, they're doing the burning of Shadrock, Meshak, and Abbotnego, or whatever, however, the hell you, they pronounce it a different way every time they say it. So I don't feel like I'm untrue any obligation to get it right. Oh, definitely. But they're like, yeah, someone in their writers room said, you know, it make a great premise for a comedy skit. That time they burn those guys alive for not

worshiping Nebuchadiseir. Judaism also more generally would just Jewish would make a premise. Oh, he's got. Yeah. So Ned Kapelstein goes to the roving reporter, Julie McJewstein Walter Cronkike. I guarantee you. There's no way anyone in that room was good enough to come up with Walter Cronkike. Nope.

So clearly I wasn't that guy from the 80s because this was bad and funny. He's your here now. You're safe now. Am I? Am I? Do you feel safe? I don't feel safe. He hasn't quit smoking yet. We're fine. So his, so yeah, so they go to the roving reporter who's doing his Jew voice, which is just like mostly he can't remember to do it, right? But it's just a lot of lugi-hacken sounds thrown in there. Yeah, in at best, it is groucho marks at worst. Gerbos wanders into frame and is like, hey, man, can you can I just tell you? It's really, it's not cool. It's a little bit broad for our propaganda posts. Would you just turn it down?

Also, they seem to think Israeli people are rostrion Karate pirates. That's what they're quite certain. Israel looks like. It's entirety. Yeah. So they've got this guy. He's standing there. He's interviewing people about watching these three Jews get thrown into the fire, but not burn.

They do two full interviews. They have no jokes to go with this, right? The whole thing is like, can you imagine if they had CNN back then, it would look like this. If you can't imagine it, here's what it would look like exactly like this. Kind of. Oh, but come on, they had the lemon joke with the lemon, lemon. A guy had a lemon. Is that was that a joke or was that just? Yeah. Did they just have a lemon too? That was, um's fruit work. It's just because I literally just read I just wrote wait, he's making lemonade. Someone acknowledged the lemonade.

Why is he making lemonade? Oh, this guy, this actor is quite certain he's the John Belushi of Christian comment. Oh, yes. He's doing everything he's not at all, but he thinks he is. And at one point, he was just like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to drink this Arnold Palmer and have an entire lemon and just like do a bunch of fruit work and never acknowledge it. I'm going to do it for the skit. Yeah.

Yeah. Makes no sense. It's like the B costumes in like the first season S and I'm making no know. I was going to say it's right up there with Samurai chef. But it's not because he doesn't ever like slice a lemon with a sword. That would have been awesome. Yeah. No. He's just like doing, he's squeezing it. And we actually get to watch him learn that, you know, on the fly, a whole lemon doesn't really work as a garnish. He's trying to pretend like he's squeezing it in and nothing's happening and his fruit

work is kind of falling apart. He tries to balance it on the edge for a second and failed. And it starts to fall by in the glass and you watch him forget his lines as he's like so I was saying They got a cut the lemon I say lemon out loud have so much lemon space work left to do I Yeah, and to give you that that by way, that's how good this is is that we just had to spend we had to drill in for eight minutes on the lemon because what else are we gonna talk about? That was the highlight of the whole lemon work. Yes, the highlight of this entire episode by far.

Yeah, buckle the fuck up. Yeah, so then they finish up the interview then they go back to Ned Coppallstein who says this just just in, if you say, me and shit about you, God will be, we'll tear you from limb to limb like in the Bible. The book did us good guys like. We could have, could have not included this in this part of the show, which is crazy, right? We could have just not had the drawing and quartering

ending at the end of our story. We took extra time to put it in. And I'm thinking about a lot of this stuff of this whole show could have been cut out. We could cut out the part where I can't read my line. I think it's right in front of me, but we're not doing that either apparently. All right. Jesus Christ. The whole cast like this is not blame Bartles at this point.

This is one of the other guys. Also borderline illiterate trying to read off his cue cards. Can't do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, no, everybody in this cast like when you know, remember first grade you had like the reading groups and it was like the Tigers and the sharks and then like the manatees. They are all mad.

100% green group. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, after describing that skit, I feel like various parts of me need to be washed. So we're going to take a break, but we'll be back soon with even more fire by nitty night

night night. Night. Night. Night. Night. Night. Night. Night. I'm nitty, nitty, nitty, nitty, nitty, nitty, nitty, nitty. This is the Jerusalem News Network. I'm chewy. June aim. Today marks the happy news that several children were eaten by bears for making fun of a

bald guy. Local officials have issued a statement. Trish. Thanks Bernie Sanders. According to local politicians, the children getting eaten by bears was a good thing because they made fun of a bald guy and that's not cool. Excuse me, sir, sir. Yeah, me. You saw the children being eaten by bears. Was it great? Was it great? No.

Were you aware they were mocking a bald guy? Yeah, but like, you know, just yell at him. I don't know. Don't sick bears at him, right? Uh, follow up question. Do you see that bear behind you? I do. Yes.

I see it. Excellent. Back to you, Bernie Sanders. Thank you, Trish. Next up, will the sun go out if we kill God's kid? Yes it will And we're back and we're gonna rejoin the action with playing chat with Carmen about the dangerous of peer pressure that they

As middle-aged men face on a regular basis regular basis. And Christian. No, And fucking karma. Like he says, like, well, what do you think about peer pressure? And karma's like the Miriam bastard dictionary defines peer pressure. I don't know. It's the fucking he.

His example is I wanted to stop doing ticket events. That was my choice. Mine. Well, yeah. Right. No, he's argument is no, no, it's not that people are buying tickets to my show. It's that I decided to stop selling tickets and just do free shows because God wanted me to not because I wasn't selling it now.

It had nothing. And Carmen's getting winded. He's so goddamn excited to talk about peer pressure. That's what's happening in this comedy show. Blaine Bartles is like, all right, let's take a break from all that comedy, everybody come to the fuck down. Let's talk about a serious topic, peer pressure for a while. The kindest term for what he is right now is worked up.

Well, there was also a bit of a telling line here where he's talking about like, you know, whatever you put your mind to, you can do. And he says, and I quote, if you decide to really get into drugs, you can do it because you put your mind to it. And then playing goes, yeah. Yeah. You know what doesn't require putting your mind to it? Do it in drugs.

Idiots. That's super debris. It's not to say you can't put your mind to it. You can if you want. It's going to happen either way. Mind to it. Mind not to it. You're doing drugs.

I was going to say several people on this show have really put their heart and soul into doing drugs. I don't want to play down their accomplishments. Well, I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't like bring out the art of it. That's great. You're a kind of story and you want to do that, but doesn't have to have that way. Saying, no, that lady in Denver, cry a single tear when he ordered from her. I'm not taking that away from him. I love to that just right on the heels of Carmen explaining to us that, you know, he could

Celtic gets to his concert if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to. Blaine explains that he could have sex with women if he wanted to, but he's saving himself for marriage. So nobody brought that up. Blaine, why are you telling us that? Yeah. I don't know.

He's just like, you know, 80% of kids lose their virginity before graduating high school. That I read that, but that has to be high Who has sex before they're 38 and they're living in their mom's Who's talking who wants to fucking apple pie Because an apple pie counts And yes, so he asks, Carmen's advice on not fucking it. I'm not going to say much for Carmen,

but I don't think he's a good person to turn to for advice on not fucking. Okay. I'm sorry. I don't think he's an authority on that. Carmen's a lovely gentleman. Just a good authority on not wanting to fuck. I can't tell you that. And then and this is I'm amazed how many times we're going to double down on this. This is the first time that Blaine introduces this whole like, you know, you can't be a wimp in live for Jesus.

You got to be tough like a pretty tough guy like manly to love Jesus. Huh. Yeah, if you think about it, love in Jesus is way cooler than fucking women and People liking your music is the stakes that I set up with my own sentences on my show Where I control the on and the off of the camera. Let's find out what's hot, huh? Yeah, let's watch not my kid from health class, but then we'll do what's hot that's perfect Yeah, so now it's time for their their what's hot segment and Okay Gentlemen very important Stopping the review right now pop quiz before this segment happened. What did you think?

They thought was hot go I was gonna say the hellfire that awaits those brothers that watch the sexy movie from okay? I'm in song good good. I had abstinence Marshmallow peeps Apple pie No, but it's literally like a little in events calendar that they had going hosted by a heat. What are you? Seth Andrews in 1996.

Okay, look, I'm quite certain this is Seth masking his beautiful chocolatey voice. So he doesn't sound too un-Christian for this thing. He would have been way too cool with his real voice. To the extent that I almost sent a screenshot of it to Seth and was like, buddy, is this you? So yeah, so he cuts in to tell us all about like where you can see Petra live soon and shit. They got a new lead singer and he's he loves Jesus too. And then they they go into the hole. Yeah, but he's from a secular band.

Yeah, he's a big deal. They were like, so you know, the lead singer Petra, he's out, but they got a new one from like a real band with dozens and dozens of listeners. And did you hear me and for real wasn't a mistake wasn't a retake. And then of course they explained to us how you're going to see more Christian music on MTV. Now that to Garmo and keys new kick ass video is out there. Oh, yeah, they mentioned 666 here, which is the isn't that the one?

Yeah, no, yeah. So we reviewed this, of course, on God awful minis or God awful music, rather over on scathing. Uh, this was the bad, the video that was originally deemed too hot for MTV, too violent for MTV. And boy, we're the Christians proud of that. Guys, we were too fucking hard for MTV. The Christians shit was. Boy, we're the Christians proud of that. Guys, we were too fucking hard for MTV. The Christian shit was also they tell us about Petra and DeGarmo and key going on tour together.

How did we miss that? That's shit, right? So fucking love to be alive for that to go to these shows. I would I would have followed them to the saddest tour ever. They show cities. It's like tarot, Indian, I know, I owe Grand Rapids, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin for the big one. And then all the way back to that's right. Fort Wayne, mother fuck, Indian, and a close doubt. Sorry, no, weren't done yet.

Champagne, Des Moines, Minneapolis Minneapolis. We feel and wait for it. The big apple core. Toledo Ohio. The big apple of the Midwestern part of Ohio. They're basically the Dayton of Northwest Ohio. And we're not just throwing that the fuck out there. We mean it. We fucking mean it. Okay, but here's the thing. I don't want to go to those shows for a variety of reasons. I want to be on that tour bus.

Is it just everyone scrambling for the same gun with a single bullet in the chamber? Because that's what I'm picturing. Or is it like the most competitive settlers of Catan league? I think it might be both and I want to be on that bus too. There has, there's Christian bands touring now, right? Can we figure out a way to get in somehow involved with this? I think we could just ask, you know, they'd be like, you, we could pretend that we give a shit and they would be. Yeah, my Subaru that's half on fire.

Yeah. And we're like, yeah, we do need one more car. Absolutely. Patreon goal. We will go on tour with the Christian rock. And just boom from the front stage every time. Yeah. And then, okay, so then we get the top 10 Christian song count down.

And it was so depressing when I realized that that annoying shit in the background was the number one song. But yeah, that's that. And then they recommend a few good Christian books about peer pressure. Oh my God, they're the best because they're all called peer pressure and watching. Watching the baby set the answers realize that he has to read a list that contains the word peer pressure over and over again, like he's trapped in an alternate dimension, worth being, okay, so this next one, peer

pressure. Okay. Hey, Alex, motherfucker, do we get any books, any about peer pressure that aren't called peer pressure? Stop crying into the question. But the cue cards having a stroke. No, it's all peer pressure. 10 books, 10 songs, all call it peer pressure. So that's what's hot because you were wondering. Yeah, they also do a book review here. Seriously, like, boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo review.

And then they close out that. Yeah. All right. So then Blaine is going to talk to us more about peer pressure again. He says, like he has his whole like speech that he gives about how dull Christianity is the problem. It's got to be interesting like this show, right? Like this show stops in the middle to yell at us about how boring it is.

Yep. Um, and then he accidentally drifts off into a gay fantasy of construction worker Jesus. Yes, he does. Yes, he's like, does exactly what happens. Listen, he's like, you know, we've painted a negative picture of Jesus with the soft hair and the smooth skin, but this guy was a carpenter. Jesus, fuck the gin as a construction worker and his rough hands would grab you around the throat, just firm enough to know he's in charge, but soft enough to know you're safe. Black Bartles and I currently have a terrible master, a crippling masturbation addiction. So.

Yeah, he says literally quote, this guy would, of Jesus, Jesus is this guy in question. This guy would make Rambo look like a wimp and quote, come on, you all want to see Jesus last blood. Yeah. More than I want to see Rambo last blood, yes. Okay, and then he introduces a monthly segment which he assures us will have lots of comedy. I bet I said, I wrote my notes here, I'm willing to bet it doesn't have any comedy. I was right, it didn't have any comedy.

But they're tagging in a different show, right? Like, they're like, we thought we could do this. This is hard. Sit, come, we're going to do a sitcom now in the middle of our show. Sitcom. The medium of sketch, anything was too demanding. So they've shifted over to sitcom, which will make up more than half of their program. Yeah. No, it's like it's full 30 minute sitcom in here. Yeah. Well, they've shifted from sketch to podcast interview to listing books with the same title to sitcom. Yeah. For the rest, pretty much the entire rest of the show. Yeah. Damn, near. Yeah. And this would just to come. It has its own opening credits and everything.

We see Blaine. I was like, I put my notes here like I'm like, Oh, please tell me he's the wacky neighbor. No, he's the teenage son. The star football quarterback. Yes. Yes. Okay. How much did you guys want it to like be Blaine Bartle? And then there's another character also played by Blaine Bartle and then another character eventually realized the entire sitcom is just Blaine Bartle shuffling in and out of 16 outfits. Yeah. Eventually, he's just fighting John Malkovich on the side of the airs. Exactly.

All right. So we open up on a little kid and dad sitting around the living room and the little kids like, Hey, dad, who's this person? You have a police sketch up on your desk and he's like, that's a drug dealer. Won't matter until middle of act two. And then mom comes in and they try to do some banter with the kid. They try to like do some comedy, some stick here between the mom and the kid except it just comes off as like threats of physical abuse.

Right. Well, the best part is it's comedy. It's family sitcom comedy. If you had only ever seen like a picture of a child, he'd be like, I bet you can't reach jars, blonde hair, money. I'm going to punch you in the face. What? I'm grown up. Yeah, this is a stick about child abuse. That's what happens. Yeah, yeah, dad threatens to physically abuse the son.

So he goes upstairs. Meanwhile, we cut to teenage sister who's with her bad boy boyfriend who is a middle aged balding guy. Totally fine. Nothing wrong with that. Normal, great. Also, normal amount of finger guns in his 10,

say, I would say a reasonable amount of finger guns for 10 seconds. It would be 300, 300 finger guns. Constant. That's what I would do. I'm the present finger guns. I thought we were going to get a subplot about his inability to let go of the finger guns. Constant. That's what I would do. I'm the present finger guns. I thought we were going to get a subplot about his inability to let go of the finger guns. Stop saying PQ, PQ, PQ, PQ. Stop it. Like there's a Mexican standoff at the end of the thing where it's

just like put him down, man. Put him down. Michael Scarlet, FBI. Oh, okay. All right. So yeah, but this guy, the middle-aged boyfriend wants her to go to the big drug party with him on Friday night. And she's pretty flatter to have been invited to the big middle-aged drug party. And then they introduced us to the fact that Blaine is supposed to be the teenage son in this thing. He's his own Kirk Cameron. In his little mind, he was going to be Kirk Cameron. Oh, amazing. Yeah. He runs in and he's like, so you

guys know how I was the starting quarterback on football team last year and also all of us in Rhodes. No, everyone say that it's established that I've been good at sports last year. Everybody said, yes, cool, but not this year. I'm not. There's another guy and literally dad's like, your gay, are you saying your gay? What's happening? He leaps to his feet and he's like, son, America is about competition. And I'll tell you why I lost once and then he sits down and stares off in the opposite. Yeah. This is dad's lesson here is they don't want a good arm to be the

starting core back for the football team. They want a good Christian leader. Yeah. They want to leave. Don't worry about the arm. And that sounds like dumb advice, but it literally did work for Tim Tebow. He literally did. Yeah, that's true. Did exactly that and became an awesome quarterback. You're right. Well, that's sad as fuck. All right. So yes, so this comes in Connie and she tells them, Hey, I'm going to go to a party on Friday and then she sees the police sketch of the drug dealer on the desk. And she says, not with this guy here. Did a different guy, not this guy.

What's this boy you're going out with? He's judge Roy Moore. Okay, that's fine then. Sorry, I thought you were going to go out with the drug dealer. No, go ahead. And I love the phrasing the use here. She's like, yeah, so, um, mom and dad just wanna let you know what's happening.

I'm going to a high school get together because I'm in high school. Well, we just call it a get together because again, I'm just gonna lose. We just say, I don't know why I said it like that. I'm real. But yeah, but then she sees the sketch and realizes that her boyfriends the drug dealer and oh shit, she has to run to a room and make an important phone call to him, right? Okay, I have

so many questions about this 30 seconds that happens next. Uh-huh. Who is the little brother on the phone with when she comes in the room? Sex line. Absolutely sex line. I figured it was a conference call. He was just like running the elementary school like, all right, great job, everybody with the elementary school stuff. We'll pick this up next week. I don't know. Yeah. So yeah, he she comes in and the little brothers like chilling on her bed and they try to do the sibling rivalry thing between these two. So the little brother goes out of the room and he listens in on our phone call. Well, she calls her drug dealer boyfriend to ask if he's a drug dealer. So apparently he lives in a drum solo with the

world's saddest pile of cocaine. So they're trying so hard not to pan out enough for us to see that this is a single wide trailer, but this is a single wide trailer. They're also trying not to pan out wide enough for us to see the baby powder canister they board entirely out onto the table in front of him. Yeah. Hey, hit guys. When you cut up cocaine, usually you don't get little clouds puffing up around it. I mean, I get excited.

But he's not cutting up lines cocaine. He's just moving cocaine with a razor blade. Yep. Just moving it around in a giant circle. He's just making it into a giant circle again. Like, I want him to take out a toilet paper roll and just snort the whole thing. Put it over his face. No. All right, Patreon go. Hey, patrons, you already hit that Patreon call just in case you're wondering. So yeah, so she, she gets on the phone

with him and she has to beat her on the bush about it a little bit. But finally, she says, do you do drugs? And he goes, and I love this line. He goes, he's sitting there, cotton up his or taking his cocaine for a walk, whatever it is he's doing. And he goes, no, I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed. I'm like, all right, nice, nice.

Okay. I love it. Fantastic. And then there's this really weird moment that makes no sense within the universe of this film where he makes a good case for like, you should smoke weed and eventually you will anyway. So you might as well do it now. And they never really push back against that. Nope. Right? Yeah. Right. This is just like, Oh, okay, you just just the pot. Can you not smoke it around me? And he's like, no, I'm going to do that. I'm going to smoke it around you. We're both going to do

drugs together. It's going to be a lot of fun. They're delightful. And she's like, no, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna smoke it around you. We're both gonna do drugs together. It's gonna be a lot of fun. They're delightful and she's like, okay. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. I guess he also says like, are you afraid of pot? At which point she replies like, no, no, no, no, no.

I was, I was peeing my pants already about something else. It was a different thing. But yes, so she gets off the phone and little bro comes in to spring his black mouth trap. He heard every word of it and knows that she's going out with a drug dealer and Won't tell mom and dad if she'll take the trash out for him next week or whatever. Classic brother sister shenanigans better do my chores or I'll tell them that you're dating and statutory rapist criminal. Yeah, not not stat well

Yeah, not yet anyway. Yeah All right, so then we then we go to that remember that Clause beer ad from before with the drunk guy Well, oh gosh. I hope we get a follow-up. We sure do you're the fuck it comes We sure do you're the fuck it comes. They're gonna tie this up in a nice little button and hey Credit where credits do SNL never had the fucking balls to do full bed pan humor and fire by night Did they though because they try mean they tried so the guy who was drunk before, he was, you know, drinking Chlor's beer, he's in the hospital now because he had too many Chlor's and his livers falling out.

Or he's got liver cancer or whatever. Yeah. And they go over and the nurse takes a bed pan out of his hospital bed. But it's, it's what they think of bed pan as, it's a think about pan is it's a lasagna pan. He's a lasagna pan that is literally just a tin lasagna pan next to him in bed like you would just like angler your your ass over it and shit sideways or pee sideways. I don't know. I can make that work. Yeah, he's like I drank a lot of beer. So now I wrecked my car and I lost my family and my liver's failing.

And then we cut to his headstone, get it? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Yeah. Because if you drink beer, you'll die. Yeah, beer, it kills people. That was the, that was the whole bit. Yeah. If you fuck your brother in the back of a porn theater, you die.

Go out dancing, you die. Go out dancing. You die. Yeah, exactly. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, right now, as we speak, we are in a gag commercial that's in a sitcom that's in a skit show. So, look before this beer ad spawns a tiny internal puppet show or something and reveals that we're caught in a stupidity fractal. We're going to take a break to spin a top, but first, let's do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. But first, let me give act three of sub act to the hard self. Will Connie get railed by the divorce guy that you thought worked at that pawn shop and turned out to actually just hang out there. Is there any role that blameaine Bartell can't play? Will we actually miscarman before the sitcom thing wraps up? Find out the answers to these questions and more.

When we return for the hastily edited conclusion of Fire by Night, Episode what? Peer pressure. Peer pressure. And now back to America's favorite sitcom, The Christians. Whoa, there's scammed. What's the big hurry? Oh boy, Pop. Do I have news for you? Did you finally get that paper out? There's no lav track. You gotta just keep talking. Oh, oh, oh, so news, eh?

Yeah, pop. See, me and the boys, we were down at the creek. You know, when I was in the shit, there was a little river, right by the camp, beautiful, little place used to go there to think about a week into station. The water began to stink though and it became undrinkable. And so, yeah, so me and Black Joe, we go to check it out, right? And right there at the tree line, we found, you know, the bodies, mother and a baby, single bullet through both of them. The stink just dripping off them into the water we'd been pissing

in. Never told nobody this, but I wonder if I'm the one that killed him if drinking them was some unholy way of the world bringing it back on me Making me swallow what we'd done, you know what I'm saying. I saw frog is the end of the story. That's great son frog the Christians and We're back for more of this shit when we left off Connie was about to get railed and get rails and we're going to rejoin the action with dad relax and after a hard day at the station, he's looking at the newspaper pissed off about how crappy them cowboys are.

Okay, I have a theory that someone was like, they just kept pitching there. I need to call the cowboys, pussy lines into every sketch and they were like, you know what? We'll put it at the beginning of a scene of family first. Are you happy? Cause he does like a six minute fucking Nikki Silver-esque monologue about how much he hates the cowboys. And then the entire show restarts like an old lawn mower. And then Blaine comes in with a floating mullet. Maybe there's a guy under it.

Maybe there's not. It's the only thing I can see when it's on screen. Oh, I was one nice youth pastor away from this being the extent of my comedy career. And I want to thank everyone listening on the podcast for that not being the case. You don't think I'm too community theater productions and a method and fetamine addiction away from this guy. You did too much of me. I would enjoy watching that, especially because these guys overrun the camera frame by like so much. Yes. And have to like get to a stop and then come back into it. And I want to watch you. I do that

forever. Take quite a bit of practice to outrun a three camera set. Let me tell you. Yeah. They had one camera that they were moving around in between. They say hello to all three of them. Sorry, sorry, hello, hello. Scene begins. So they're, they come in and they're talking about how

that new quarterback that's better than blade sure is a party animal. And oh, he probably does the drugs and stuff. It's going to be quite the high school get together later. Gonna be crazy. Yeah. Big drugs, sodomy, Judaism party. Of course, going, of course, but it's gonna be great. We're choosing not to be there because we are practicing hiking the ball together. We are anti-smitting. Nope. Nope.

What would you say, hike inside thoughts? I love you. So they walk off. Mom and dad are sitting there after they leave. And here's Dad's whole thought. Those boys, I tell you. So they so they walk off mom and dad are sitting there after they leave and Here's dad's whole thought Those boys I tell you that was his whole thought and then they start wondering if the drug party that Blaine was talking about It's the same party that their daughters gonna go to So they they bring Connie into ask her and say like, hey, you know, is this big party you're going to is that that's not at drug

Topia is it is a drug to be and she's like well, you know, is this big part of you're going to? Is that, that's not at drug topy, is it? Is your drug topy? And she's like, well, you know, at which point dad, again, stands up, steers into the middle distance, and I swear to you audience, this is real. I should have gotten you the timestamp, but it is worth your viewing pleasure. He goes, you know, when I was in Vietnam, I had a commanding officer who I really looked up to

End of fucking sentence end of segment. Yep. Yeah, yep. Like my commander asked me in Vietnam Are you going to a Sodomy Judaism Party and a fucking dungeon farm? What was going to? Yeah What I love Tim like I never loved your mother. Anyways, you can't go to the party. You can't go to the party. That's the key though.

The key is a that that is terrible crippling PTSD and be that she is not allowed to go to the drug party. So she storms off with this like Judaism. Absolutely not. You never let me go to any of the Judaism parties. Yeah, but dad forbids you as she storms off. And then we cut to this post dinner scene that dad opens with the literal line quote, thanks, honey. That's a humdinger of a meal.

And quote are people still saying humdinger? Nope. I mean, they were in the 80s. No, they weren't. No, when were they saying it? I want to bring that. I like 19. What was the three year period where humdinger was just 19. 52 through 55.

That was it. Yeah. I can know that. America was great again. Humminger of a country. Make America humdinger again. Yeah. And they managed to fuck up the she doesn't cook

very well jokes. Oh, yeah, because they mentioned liver, all grotten, which sounds fucking amazing. And that's supposed to be like a bad thing in this little they fuck up. Moments so much because they're just trying for generic sitcom stuff, but they're they keep missing by so far because now it's time for the little, the, the younger brother to do some wacky. So we asked them to build him a nuclear reactor. Yeah, but again, there's not a, there's not a follow up joke. There's this setup because again, he read about the observational humor. So he was like, all right, what if the kid wanted a nuclear reactor? And of bet. Absolutely not. We're a call and oil family only.

No reactors. So yeah, yeah, no, that's the whole thing. It's like, yeah, what with, oh my God, that'd be hilarious. What would that be like? And then somebody says, well, he probably say, hey, dad, can you build me a nuclear reactor? A dad would say no. somebody says, well, he probably say, Hey, dad, can you build me a nuclear reactor? A dad would say no. All right. Yeah, we got that. We don't need anything else. Try to say nuclear one more time.

And then of course, the daughter comes in and they're like, so what are you going to do tonight, honey? And she's like, not going to a drug Judaism party and then storm's off. Not going to get cooked snorted off my phone. Thanks to you. And, but yeah, mom thinks maybe they were a little too hard on her. And then Blaine comes in and lives out that fantasy that he's been wanting to live out since he was nine years old.

He runs in and turns to a man that he's paying to be there and says, Dad, I made first string quarterback. Yeah. That's a sad, sad moment. It's dark. That's dark. And I fake a vulgarity for charity roast every year so people have to say nice things to me. So you know, a lot when I'm judging someone. I'm starting with a football team. I'm not gaining more technically. That means it doesn't count anymore, right? It does son. Yeah. So he's got to run off to youth group. Those he's like, Hey, well, you I should make you food and it's like, no, no, we're doing the gag where you're bad at cooking. So I'm going to run off and get a burger and probably, but I don't want your way, your truth and your life. Right? Because

of that Vietnam moment out of no. We need to watch all the rest of the episodes because in my head, can I please dad's PTSD gets worse and worse every episode. Now we've got to sometime later, the evening, mom and dad are playing Bible Opily or something. And dad gets a call from the department. And I know that usually when you see people do phone conversations on TV, they do the too fast talking for the other guy to have been saying anything. They have nothing on this. Dad, he's like, hi, what's that? there's a murder on the loose this time for me to

go okay goodbye I will see you later hello operator put the phone down puts on coat walks out exit yeah no you can't under it okay I actually I did you a favor bringing you a clip along with my imagining of the conversation on the other end of the phone. All right Morgan. Johnny's for you for the apartment. It's 730. I want to look that one. Hello. Hello, is this Lieutenant Collins? Yes, this is Lieutenant Collins. Well sir, we have a major, a major truck at the park.

What's going on? You know what, I'll fuck myself. I'll just I didn't want to finish that sentence anyway But yeah like that so now he's gonna go off to the drug party For the big bust Yeah, so it he goes like he's like before I leave though go get Connie so we can tell her we told her so But Connie's gone she must have snuck off to the party after all and she's about to get drug busted. Oh, no, we're, oh, she's right there. Yeah, she turns out they didn't have the money to do multiple sats here. So no, she decided not to go to the party and she's coming in. They open the door

and she's outside because apparently they tested this on audiences and they were like burn the watch and they were okay, okay, we can't have more than four seconds. Three seconds is the max on that. They killed our first conny actress as an audience. That's actually Blaine Bartles wife in real life. Oh, is it really? Connie? Yeah. Oh, Connie. Yeah, he plays, he plays the brother and sister with his wife here. Oh my God, that's healthy. The surprising of this episode colors, everything so differently. Oh, yes. The pain in Connie's eyes makes so much. This is our momentum episode podcast listener, just so you know, just so you know, I'm gonna listen to it backwards. All right, so yeah, and then the little kid comes in and pretends he's the comic relief. One last time, I don't even know if the kid knows that what he's saying is supposed to be funny or not. Yeah, he's like, oh boy.

Goodbye. Yep, that's it. Yeah, right. And then we're at a concert, whether we like it or not, God damn it. Hey, smash-cut music video is an innovative film technique like it or not. So yeah, so apparently now we're listening to Russ Taff sing to us about how he's not going to bow down to the giant golden butt plug that I believe he's describing. Yeah, it's unclear. Interesting. I need to listen to those lyrics again.

I missed that part. Yeah, I did enjoy right away watching him try to clap. You missed an entire audience clapping and somehow none of them hitting the beat. Like statistically, you just think that many people in the room, one of them would hit a beat. No, no, no. Also, this is Russ Taaf, is that the guy's name? He keeps going for the audience singing one of the lyrics in his song, the lyric is no. And you know, like living on a prayer where you put

your mic out and it's the saddest fucking thing because they never do it. Like four people are like, no. Well, and also the line is no, right? Like the fact that he's getting his audience to scream, no, at him, just it kind of takes a wind out of that a little bit. But yeah, this is a song by the way about being peer pressured to worship a pagan God. I mean, we've all been there. I have been there.

Nothing. I think I kind of like this song though. I got into it. I want to point out two or two out of three of the people on this podcast have been there. Yes. Which one? So you like this one. You're a, you're a taff fan, are you?

Oh, I would absolutely go to a Russ Taft concert. If they were in, say, I don't know, Toledo, Ohio, and Fort Wayne, you know, one of the big metropolitan areas. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. One of the music comp beds of this great nation. Yeah. How do we get this guy to like open for our next live show?

How do we get Russ Taft? We simply our next live show? We, how do we get roughs, we simply, I was going to say, key. Why don't you get Garmo and key back in the same room together after what happened? Yeah, yeah, we'll get, we can get one or the other. You pick which one you want. Maybe we can get Zach attack from saved by the bell. I don't know. I just want, I want a bunch of old band. I want to put them back together.

All right. So now it's time foraine to get real with us one last time. And he opens with this. This is a pretty clever joke. He says, if you think about it, Shadrack, Messack and Abbot, Nego were pretty cool, huh?. Yeah. Right. Yeah. King James version. I was earlier. But yeah, but he's just telling that Bible story, but he's doing it in his funny voice. So he thinks that makes it into comedy. Right. The fact that he says a lot of words sometimes all close together. But Noah, he's sitting backwards on his chair.

That's so bad. That's not how chairs work. I just found it incredibly relatable. It's like Bible Peace Theater had a stroke this whole thing, an anti-Semitic stroke. And it's a one man show somehow and it's a gunpoint. My Bartles has to do the whole thing. We're like me trying to do that somehow Eli set up a prank where I have to deliver

all the voices and he's got a gun and like a hostage with parents scenario like saw. I don't know. That's the feel. Nope. That is that's a really accurate description of the show is Frank War post me and Noah's death. Skating a via Bible piece. There's a

All right, but yeah, so he he tells us this story again and he says, and you know who else was there where they tried to burn him in the fire? Jesus in that Old Testament story, because we reappropriated it for our religion. Anyway, the point is that you should take a stand for Jesus and your school or work because it's America in 1986 and it's not Christian enough. And then he's like, yeah, I feel like this isn't going very well. Let's use the other camera. Hello, other camera.

There we go. Much better. That's my serious camera there. Shoot from the money side now. My left side is the one with talent apparently. So this is perfect. So yeah, so he turns to camera three, he gets serious with this now and he gives us this whole big long speech about how all the apostles and everything were prophets, not pansies. Pansies, that's his word. So then he digs into the profit versus pansy comparison. Yeah, I mean, I've been equating those two words forever. This really made me think. I

thought those were synonyms. They're not. No, uh, look, I grew up in the 1990s in upstate New York. I've seen some pretty impressive gay fear, but the fact that they caught this on film, credit where credits do, he practically gives himself a way to you while jerking off. All right, wait, we gotta talk about us. We gotta talk about his acronym because this is the most amazing swing in a miss at an acronym EFFOR. And it's the first letter where he misses, right?

So he's, this is his acronym for bold, okay? The word bold, B is for back down, no way. I'm not gonna back down. Don't, don't, don't, don't do the opposite. Come on, don't, don't, don't, not back to him. He's too late to make the acronym bold. Back, back down. No, not Classic that works with the 80s Wayne's world is gonna be come out soon

Step ahead ahead of my time before it's time So yeah, so he so he gives us some advice on how to be cool. Just love Jesus, right? Jesus will make you cool. Trust him on how to be cool. I'm sorry. Oh, by the way, it's open up to Jesus. L is live for Jesus and he is be a defender of Jesus. So is opposite of close up to Jesus. Yeah. Lose. My God. Oh yeah, because Jesus. D is for be a defender of the, is for defender of the faith come a bea.

But yeah, he hits like half of him. And okay, correct me if I'm wrong. He's like be a defender of the faith. And then he starts another sentence and a music video with Carmen interrupts that.

Yes. Oh, it's violent too. I wanted him to jump in like Carmen just starts playing and I want to blame Barnos just like dive onto the screen be like, please don't, Carmen. I got it. Did this TV show have a hard radio out? Like, just started getting covered up by the goddamn weather. I think honestly, I think the editor was not going to listen

to the rest of fucking Blaine's bullshit there. He was like, you know what, that's enough. You got to D. I gave you the D. And then we get, we watch Carmen music at us for four minutes before we're allowed to stop looking at this. Okay. And the only thing I want to say about this music video, and it's true of all of Carmen's music videos, all of his intros are way too long, which is pretty common for live show performers, is they just extend their intros so that they can like get cheered for, except no one cheers for fucking Carmen. So he comes out everyone cheers, and then there are nine god damn measures of music. Like, okay, here we go. Happy. So long as you're going to be on in a second, just give it a minute, guys.

I'm going to run off stage, grab a bottle of water, come back. What is, what is he have a stool on stage? Like he's going to do stand up comedy. I think. Well, at some point he's going to get real with us. He's there's that that'll be probably for the, for the alter a call or something. Yeah. Just going to get sad at some point and sit down and look away from him.

He's like, uh, this isn't. I thought you would clap more for the intro. He's like, yeah, damn. I look like a bouncer for a Mario Parillo Italian cruise. This is going badly. And then it's over. Yeah, he sings us a song about God having broken up with them. And by the song like keeps teasing us like it's ending, the Coda is longer than the rest

of the goddamn song. Bold, bold musical choice. Yeah. Yeah. Both, by the way, that means for be a musically person. Begin always for singing on the music you should be singing over. Sure. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. All right. Legato is also a museum.

And he is well done. We're out. Literally can't do as badly as this movie, no matter how you try. And that's why they fired you and you just for DSL code up back to the code. Yep. Now we know why he was included from the writers room before episode two. All right. And then I wrote this in my fucking notes. The copy right is on. I definitely get to stop watching now.

All right. So we've reached the end. I think it's important that we underscore this week's theme. So I thought maybe we could each share a story of a time that one of you guys felt peer pressure. Oh, um, okay. I worked out pretty good. Did each share a story of a time that one of you guys felt peer pressure? Oh, okay. I worked out pretty good. My friends in high school taught me about how pot and alcohol are delightful.

Made my life a lot more fun. Okay, in college, I got what good one too. My friends taught me that iron ran is fucking stupid. And that made me a better person. I got what good one too. My friends taught me that iron ran is fucking stupid. And that made me better person. So, here are precious stuff. So much positive.

Go peer pressure, yeah. All the time. So here's the thing about me. No one ever had to pressure me into taking drugs, because I was just like, sure, yeah, I'll do that. The peer pressure for me literally though, I growing up in South Georgia as I did was to be a Christian. And I stood up to it, dammit.

I stood up to it. This episode would have been proud of me. Okay, one good, one bad. And unfortunately, I'm not gonna break the tide because to feel pre-repressure, you need to have peers. Oh, feelings. I'm just kidding. I've done many, many things in the desperate hope

that people would like me. Yeah, it is. I'm like a, I mean, I'm a podcaster. I ended up masturbating onto myself. So pretty well. It's good to shoot at a ****. I'll tell you. That's a real guys man.

You should bleep over that second name. I mean, to be fair, I fucking got him, but you should be over a second name. I got him. All right, well, that's good to do it for a review of Fire by Night episode one. Okay, chicken if you're gay. That's all I'm saying. That is the best actual breakfast of close Eli.

Eli Bosnick jerked off onto his friends. Beep something beep. I didn't hear it either. It's all right. Well, that's going to do it for a review of Fire by Night episode one, peer pressure. Nick jerked off onto his friends, beep something beep. I didn't hear it either. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review of Fire by Night Episode One, peer pressure. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to make the bed for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? When the devil debates an angel about whether people are good or bad set to 1968 comedy. And the answer is the Bible.

You get the story of mankind. All right, judging by what we've watched before, I wouldn't be surprised if we got the whole goddamn story. But you know, with that to look forward to, we are gonna bring episode 220, one to a merciful clothes. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon and others to help make the show go.

If you'd like to get yourself among there, rank you can make a pre-episode of nationappitriad.com such as God off one, and thereby earn early access to an extended and free version of area. So you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aideast citation

and the Skeptocrat available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, and cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com, legal services for the spot catcher, provide a bit of offices and p-endritors, Tim Roberts takes care of our social media, our theme song is written and performed by

by our sliding legal chess son, Mars Holy and music is written and performed by our audio engineer Martin Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heath and right knee-legged Bosnian. I'm no illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

While producing this show, Blaine Bartles developed what he described as a debilitating pornography addiction that destroyed his first marriage. It's the best. Now, he provides counseling for men in recovery from porn addiction. Through his online ministry that is very real, called choppingwood.org. Is that the real name? That's the real name.

Amazing. The 1980s went on to produce people like me and Andrew, you can't blame us. Eli signed up for one-on-one mentoring at choppingwood.org because the first month is freeing, and I need to see what happens. And then he masturbated onto Blaine Bard. I'm just saying I know what my nuclear option is. You're gonna bow out so Liz Warren can win.

Well, you got to me. Sorry, I could not do an offensive enough Jew voice to like match up what the guy was doing in this show. That's fair. You didn't ate these two. Exactly. Exactly. All right.

Right? Because of that. All right. Right? Because of that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, static absolutely seen some fucking shit in. We need to watch all the rest of the episodes because in my head, canonically, dad's PTSD gets worse and worse every episode. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.