God Awful Movies - 222: The Story of Mankind

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

This week, guest masochist Tracie Harris joins us for an atheist review of "The Story of Mankind"; a 1957 film that redefined how bad movies could be in an age where they cost that much to film. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to this email, along with info on who you want insulted. --- Check out the Truth & Transparency foundation here: https://truthandtransparency.org/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

But Satan probably is, man, he was just like playing on your emotions. He's manipulating you, you know, with this baby. I was just like, yeah, I was like, oh my god, look, it's a baby. And he was dressed like a little Kennedy. I was just like, yeah, but think about the year that could be baby Mike Pence for all we know, right? Yeah, I mean, don't even yeah, no It's like I would you would you kill Hitler if you went that

God awful movie movies OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing Noah. I've got Oscar award winning Anthony Hopkins with me today. He won't be speaking for Anthony Hopkins on this episode. The podcast is important. Exactly. No, he's there to watch your levels. It's a good use of his talent and also joining us this week as a person who spent her weekend rethinking how discerning she should be when people say, you should come on my podcast, Tracy Harris. Tracy, welcome to the show.

Now I thank you for having me. Yeah, we've been wanting to have you on for a long time. You've been on scathing a couple of times. And so we saw off and jump with that. And then we pulled the old switcher room. Yeah. So tell us, Tracy, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, so you had me watch the story of Mankind.

And I just wanna say, I'm not the kind of person that really enjoys watching bad movies because I find them funny. So it was real torture. And I guess it's just, you know, like it's some kind of a cosmic, judge and jury, seeing whether mankind should be allowed to go on, or if we should blow ourselves all to hell, and all die.

So it was kind of weirdly like our future with global warming. You know, it's like we kind of get to judge for ourselves whether we keep going or not in a real weirdly cryptic way. Yeah, this movie was like, it was, it was precisely right movie for 2019 because of the plot and also because it was terrible. Yeah, and it wasn't nearly as riveting as the impeachment testimonies. No, no, doesn't, doesn't hit that level of entertainment for sure. So Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the golden age of Hollywood, but a tragic land mine incident blew the parts of your brain that know what plot story and humor are out of the top of your skull. You will love this movie. It's the story of mankind. Well done, sir. All right. So be honest with me, Trace. So you agreed to do this a couple of weeks back. When did you actually realize what you'd gotten yourself into? Because like you said, like the thing is, there is no hell in athe a season so we have to make our own right you know and that's what this show really is when did you realize that oh i i guess i mean i knew kind of you know that it's about watching horrible movies and i know i hate watching horrible movies

and i guess you know when i knew i was in over my head was when I realized that there were like documents and things. I was just like, oh my god, this is, you know, it's not just, it's not just walking in and just shooting the breeze. I mean, there's like real work involved in this thing. And I'm going to have to, you know, follow notes. That's right listeners who have been thinking about becoming patrons and haven't yet. There's actual work involved. That's right. Not just us saying.

Give it away all our trade secrets. All right. So is there anything that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at and Tracy, you haven't done this before. So I'll give you an example. I want to give it best worst title because this movie is exactly the story of mankind, right? Even using the old school sexist term for humanity right there. Because like the movie wasn't, but the act of watching it was, it was terrible, mostly

boring, unfunny, expensive. And in the end, it just seemed like a huge waste of potential. Right. Story of mankind. I get it. There it is. Speaking of which, I was gonna give it best worst understanding of history.

And I gotta say, look, we have watched case for Christ. So you know this movie did a hell of a job. When I say that this movie makes your third grade social study teacher seem woke as funny. Okay, I think I get this right. So this is like the best worst whitewashing film I've ever seen. Oh, yes. Right.

I mean, the whole thing was just hideously whitewashing. Oh, absolutely. You know what, the whole time I thought to myself, this is what Tracy and I learned about history in high school right here, this right here Tracey and I learned about history in high school right here, this, right here. Not only is it hideously whitewashed, everything that isn't whitewashed is in blackface, literally. So yeah, there's no escape.

Now I will say, can I say on the good side, on the positive side, I did not expect the twist. There was like a plot twist for me and this thing and I just didn't see it come in I thought I thought I was you know down the line had my mind made up and then they they nailed me with the twist Yeah, no, no, I'm with you there. I did not see the ending coming Nor did I All right, well I'll tell you what we're about to be reminded the Christian movies sucked away before David A. R White ever got a hold of him so so we're going to take a quick break

to brace ourselves for the fact that America was never great again, and when we come back we'll dive into all the A-Historical Factoids that are... The Story of Mankind. Oh, hey Tracy, a bomb shelter. What for? A vulgarity for charity. What's that? Oh, vulgarity for charity is our yearly fundraiser over at our other show, The Scathing Atheist.

When people donate $50 or more, they can send the receipt to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and we do a roast of whoever they want us to. But why do you need a bomb shelter? Ah, I see. Well, so this year we got a donor over at modest needs who's matching up to $100,000 in donations. And if we hit that $100,000, no one in Lucinda are going to quit smoking. I see. And how's that going? Um, a little too well, if you know what I mean.

Got it. Is there room in there for two in that going? Um, a little too well, if you know what I mean. Got it. Is there room in there for two in that shelter? There is, but Heath called dibs. Who's Heath? Is it, is the tall one? Right, tall one, I remember now. Yeah. All right, everyone, welcome to the first ever writers meeting

of the story of mankind. So you guys know the pitch, the soul of man and the devil debate whether humankind is evil or good. Like philosophically? I know. I think it more like a series of vignettes. You were thinking about a series of vignettes about whether humans are good or evil.

Yep, yep. So no wrong answers. Just throw out some evil stuff for us. World War One. Good. World War Two. That perfect. I actually slavery.

Yep, yep, okay, I'll tell you what, I'm filling that up quick. How about a little bit of good stuff to offset that? How about, nope, not good. Come on guys, how about no not not good come on guys is the up how about the crusades i'm sorry you want to put down the crusades is a good activity i mean they have matching outfits matching outfits exactly and here's what i'm thinking for the ending at the end

of the movie the devil and the soul of man tie right sorry did you say tie? Yeah, what? Yeah, they tie. You want the movie about whether man is good or evil to end on a tie. That is what I said, yes.

How much black face can I do? A ton. Okay, I'm in. That's why you're in? Yes, yes it is. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start this off with the 11 minutes of credits that were typical of films of the day and holy shit! What a cast those credits have on tap!

Oh man, the Marks Brothers, Heidi, it is unending the list of golden age of Hollywood. Peter Laurie Caesar Romero Vincent Price Ronald Colman, my, my, my God. It's 50% of the actors from the 50s that I could name, right? Yep. Yeah. And Eddie Lamar and Agnes Morehead from what was that of Duwitch, right? Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And heavy Lamar and Agnes Morehead from what was that of the witch, right? Yep. Yeah. Where he sees a Romero. And I was, I

thought it had David Keradine's dad. Yes. I didn't even know he had a dad until I saw this baby. And yeah, you already said the Marx Brothers. That was so weird. But you know, but the bonus, I don't know how closely looked at the credits, but the bonus is Groucho Marx's daughter is in it. Yeah, making her film debut

Because she was a baby. Yeah, no, I would say this movie has more a list stars than all the other movies we've reviewed combined Yeah, so this is as good as it gets on this show Tracy and really Yeah, I did I mean being like the person who is, you know, not really funny, I went ahead and my thing is just like, you know, more, I guess, empirical. And so the first thing I did was Google the film, right? So I don't mind spoilers. And I was just like, it's listed in the 1978 book, the 50 worst films of all time. Yup.

That's where I said it. So I really wanted to thank you all for inviting me to spend an hour and a half watching the movie and still somehow Warner Home video released this film as part of its Warner archive made to order DVD line on July 20th 2009 in the US and I have to ask why? Who was clamoring for this in 2009? Hey, let's do a special DVD release and what can we put on it? I know. How about that one that was in the 1978 book that the movie was filmed about? All right.

Oh, got to be on there. Do we have a mirror desk that we can burn this film on to with a laser forever? Yes, we can wear it for a thousand and thousands. We're the laser forever. Yeah, so the camera. 1000s and thousand Yeah, right exactly exactly We put that out of the Voyager and we don't have to worry about the C-Sian Lou version of aliens anymore. Yeah All right, so now of course this movie starts on the same line every great cinematic epic opens on once upon a time and it's so hard to explain the style of this movie to anyone who was born before the 1980s you like, okay, what if all movies were just a series

of one sentence pitches for sketches that never got written? That was movies from 1950 until 1960. Sorry, I probably give you a heads up about that. Certainly this movie, yeah. So, okay, so we're in heaven, I guess, and we see two stars, I guess, that are supposed to be angels talking about how humans have discovered the H bomb, and they're gonna have to turn us into HR for that, or something. Yeah, and they're not worried that like,

all the people are gonna die. They're worried because there's going to be a housing shortage. They're worried about having traffic. Yeah, that was my thing. I was like, at least I had a sense of humor about it, right? And that, you know, like, that is so funny. There's gonna be a housing shortage. It's gonna never be dies.

And then I started thinking again about global warming. You know, it's just like, you know, we've lost some of that ability to laugh at our impending self-destruction. Like we just haven't made any more. Well, not here on God-off-of-o-lubes. Let me tell you. Doom and gloom and gloom are the, you know, you can nobody see like the fun side of it.

Right. Thank you. You get it just. I'm a glass half full kind of woman. Yeah. Exactly. I'm also there's a weird line in this moment. So they're going to convene heaven court, right?

To decide whether humans should all be killed off in a nuclear holocaust or whether we're worth saving. And they have, they haven't really used the space well in heaven court. No. Right. We cut to this gigantic huge room with a lot of fog and stuff underneath. I guess we're on top of a cloud. We've got like 30 people are watching, but they're all 60 miles away from this poor judge

that has to scream everything out. Not a great use of space. It's like a Bruce Springsteen concert where they sell those front row seat things, but they're like backstage in the wings. I feel like that's what ended up happening with this courtroom. It's like everyone demanded a front seat and it was heaven. So you had to get a front seat. So it just ended up as a six mile long oval surrounding the courtroom. All right. And there's a great line here early on in the court scene where they say that

humans discovered the secret of the super age bomb 60 years before we were supposed to do Do the math. This was made in 57, y'all. So now's the time for the super age bomb everybody. In case you were wondering, 2020 head in store. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why they thought we'd be ready for that. Like apparently they they're not really good first of all, scheduling. Yeah, just about 60 years, which is like a good generation or two. And I'm not the only one that realized that, oh wow, this puts us right head Trump with a giant weapon of mass destruction.

The first person who was supposed to be developing during the Trump era. Like, oh yeah, that's a good plan. Just go ahead and, you know, I'm going to say we're guilty killers now, right? Like, what a chance to have. Yeah, right. But I mean, if there were any world leader who was going to develop a world ending technology and call it something as stupid as the super H bomb, it would be Trump. So he's nailed it in that sense.

Huge, the huge super H bomb. That's what the H is for. Yeah. Oh, yes. super huge. That's what the ages for. Yeah. Super huge. Super huge. All right. So now it's time for us to meet the attorneys other than are going to be on either side of

this. First, we get Vincent Price, who is going to play the devil with his dollar general plastic pitch for Halloween blows out suits. And Vincent Price, okay, tell me if you guys disagree. Vincent Price is self-aware during this movie. Oh, yeah. Keith, every line he orders in this film, he stares directly into Cameron and is like, by the way, I'm Vincent Price saying this stuff now.

In case you're wondering who's delivering these lines, it's me, Vincent motherfucking price. And then of course representing the spirit of man will be Ronald Coleman, who I wasn't familiar with, but apparently he was a real a-lister back in the day. This was his final film he died shortly after, so he didn't get to see how bad it was received good on him. Now they try to call their first witness Adam, but apparently Adam has been, he's defying the congressional subpoena or something here. I don't know. But why was this in the movie? That was it.

I call my first witness, Adam, and I'm like, okay, I get it. And they were like, he can't make it. He's stuck in heaven traffic. And then the movie pauses to be like, it's weird. I feel like we got to write the script where someone said no to us. I thought it was weird that our defense attorney was like this rolled into one all the evil, all the good of mankind, right? Like the role of humanity. And I'm like, so our defense attorney is like Hitler Gandhi. Yeah, that's really a weird mix.

I kind of feel like we could have leaned in one direction for this particular spirit. But yeah, so Ronald Coleman starts off his defensive humans. And he carries the lead. He's like, they have opposable thumbs, huh? Also, the ability to reason, like lead with the lead with the ability to reason. Opposable thumbs are great. No, don't get me wrong, but.

But it's a weird opener. It's a weird opener. And look, he's gonna do a terrible job throughout this movie, but this is the best he does by being like, I mean, if you need someone to unscrew some shit, humans are okay. That's all I'm sending. Yeah. Yeah. I did, yeah.

The disposable thumbs have been a real help. Now, there was one thing I noticed. They did also mention walking up right on two feet, right? Which was an interesting thing because there's actually, you know, this sort of concept of human beings as being the viapodedal animal forever, but someone once said to me, what about kangaroos? Yeah. Oh.

They're way better at it than us too, way faster. Yeah. Yeah. We suck at this shit. So now it's time for the first of like this whole movie is going to be flashback video to periods of history, asterisk. And our first one is going to take us to the discovery of fire. And the only thing,

the only known I have about this scene is that I found it interesting that the female Neanderthal was wearing a cave bikini. That was interesting. Yeah. I'm assuming a choice. And to double down on the misogyny, we make it zero scenes until this movie intimates comedy rape. Is that what you saw? Because the caveman knocks out the other caveman and then chases the lady caveman and then gets distracted by the fire and he's like, all right, I guess I'm not raping now. Is that what happened in this scene?

Okay. Yeah, I have to go back and watch that again. Okay. All right. I just was like, wow, we've got a possible thumbs, we've got a wheel, and what else could you need? Like, oh yeah, the H bomb. Yes, you're breaking up on me, right? Completely perfect.

I love to that Vincent Price shows up, and he's like, I am bored with this doodly-doo. Can we do something else? Which is how all the good guys doodly-doodles will end, is Vincent Price will be like, you guys know I was in house so wax I did see house advice when I was little that really Trump taught me it was scary he was a scary guy So that he said he'd been dealing with people for about a billion years And I thought so when did young earth creationists get traction right?

I thought, so when did young earth creationists get traction? Right? Yeah, right. If this was in common knowledge in 57, it's almost like we went backwards somehow, right? And he was budget conscious, right? He was just like, oh, the cost of these proceedings, I'm like, oh, he's like a Republican. He's in the impeachment hearings.

But then I thought about it. And I was like, you know, even though he's visibly conservative, I'm betting he's socially liberal. But. Right. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Good. Yeah. He did. He did. He was way ahead of the trend on that. Yeah. So we're back in the court. Robert Coleman has had his shot. So Vincent Price is going to call his first witness, Kufu. Now this is John Caridine. You may have no MS, the voice of the great

owl in secret of Nim. Huh? No. I feel like John Caridine also introduced himself that way. He was like, uh, member of Secret and Nim. That was the voice of the great spot. Where are you going? Are you going to? I, I had a moment when I saw him, right? Like when he came out and he started talking, I was like, I know this guy, I know him. And I was like, oh my God, now I know who David Theratine's dad is because I recognize him from the Twilight Zone.

Oh really? He was an howling man, right? So, and I was like, how ironic that he played Satan. Huh, yep, there you go. And in this, he's going to be in, well, some form of black face. I don't want to say full black face, dark tan face. Yeah. He's because he's the Egyptian Pharaoh Kufu. You say brown face. Yeah. Yeah. No, they do. I'm not kidding. Yeah, right, right. No, and he is absolutely nailing that Egyptian accent, huh? Oh, it is rough.

Yeah, so Kufu and Satan have this back and forth about how Satan promised him immortality for a million souls and Robert Coleman's like that never happened. He's like, uh, excuse me. I brought it doodly do and Robert Coleman's like, that never happened. He's like, uh, excuse me, I brought it doodly do. So we head to Egypt. And at first I was impressed that this movie was gonna include some African history. And then I realized that this was just supposed to serve as an example of human savourery

as all the brown people in this movie will. The only actual people of color we get in the entire film is a crowd shot of people in Egypt and it is supposed to be a human sacrifice. All right, so Kufu comes in, he's got his pet lion, also a pet Egyptian lady, apparently. Yeah, it was weird that he was equally petting both of them in the exact same way.

Yeah, she was like, yeah, they were like, you know, I was like, he has a woman as a pet. Like, this is really strange. I guess if you're Farrow, well, or if you're a Hollywood exec circa 1957, yeah, honestly, you reminded me of land, right? Like land in the, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is probably where Lucas got the idea.

Um, by the way, if you're not watching Mandalorian, check it out. It's the best thing that Disney has done with the Star Wars franchise since they got a hold of it. Anyway, so Kufu is going to tell us about his dream so that this movie can be boring to the second power. Oh my gosh, we have to hear about fictional emperor played by David Caradine's dad's dreams. I don't even know who i'm supposed to fuck for the way i was sitting there and all i can think was where's charlotte has been where's

you'll burn her oh you know is it easter like what is going on it's through my whole calendar off to just see this and it wasn't easter yeah yeah so his he tells him to dream and he's like i dream that i was in a big building and nobody was laughing and the stream And troopers like well that means you're gonna die, but you're gonna have a pretty sweet tomb, right? Also, I have to mention this fucking lion. Okay, so we mentioned the lion But like this is the saddest god damn lion in the world He's so clearly wants to eat everyone that walks by Board by them. He's like, you know, I don't know if you guys know this shit,

but I could take down a fucking gazelle at a full line. Every now and then he's given the woman a side eye and he's just like, you're with me, right? Like you're the only one who's gonna eat you too. You and me, Lanny, we could take him. He's still okay. But yeah, ultimately though, Kufu goes out and announces that everybody has to build

him a pyramid based on the antiquated incorrect version of how the pyramids were built, right? That assumed massive slave labor. And everybody's like, oh, I don't want to build a fucking pyramid. Good. Stupid. But it's like he doesn't like literally in that same moment, right? The guy says, this is your dream. You're going to have this great afterlife, this huge palatial afterlife, but you're going

to die. And then the king is just like, okay, right now everybody, you know, he steps out and he just starts throwing the command. We're going to build this giant thing. I need to get the slaves. I need to get all the citizens like to pull the whole nation together and get them into fruit basket upset because I need this thing right now. Let's start.

So there's like, no, you don't know our potential planning. There's no, it's just like, just grab a rock, start playing. Everybody grab a brick. Right. And I sat there and I just thought, okay, so the ruler has a dream. And out of that, he decides to leverage the entire nation to build a massive palace to his own glory. And I just thought, you know, that is so far, Fetch, how could any nation survive if

it were led by a narcissist that conducted policy based on his own personal best? Yeah, how long could that happen? Yeah, that's ridiculous. Yeah. All right. So we're back in court. Vincent Price points out that humans in general worship some pretty awful fucking people. I wanted him to do to do down to a bunch of high schoolers, bedrooms and be like, see,

Scarface, Scarface poster. Can't even see the fucking movie. Look how many of them put Joker quotes on their Facebook. Look how many of them. Well, video games, right? Yeah, even violent video games, right? Yeah, even violent video games, it's just horrible. Well, and I love, okay, so we got the worst fucking lawyer, right?

As humanity got such Ronald Coleman is so goddamn terrible, because he's like, yeah, Kufu was bad, but what about Moses, right? He didn't mask, okay, wait, hold on, hold on, I'm just this just in. One second. Wait, Moses, I'm going to find a thing to say about Moses that isn't worse than the character we just introduced. He, Moses, look, you know, when he, when he made people kill their own brothers and fed them a golden statue that had been ground down He did it with the best intentions

And this is where we get the first of like the movies attempts at pseudo history, right? We're gonna do to leave do back to Moses's time. Oh Yeah I couldn't relate to our defense attorney. Like I kept wanting to call it back to the advantage and say we need to we need to have compensation. Yeah, right. He's right. This is who I am.

I mean, this is not how I want to win, right? So this is like, this is where it was like the impeachment hearings because it's like reviewing the arguments and you're like, no, no, no. Like, yeah, that's not. Oh, maybe it was just general corruption, right? No. No, that's not right. It's really specific.

I mean, this is not working. And that's what I kept thinking here. It's like, you kept making these arguments. I'm like, oh my god, I give you a visit price would get out. But he's like arguing for my destruction. And I'm thinking, dude, I'm with you. Yup, I'm different. I'm with you.

And then our guy gets up and I'm just like, holy crap, what are you saying? Like this is horrible. That's the best you have, man. Yeah, I wanted to tag in Andrew at some point in this movie. But yeah, and so we get Moses, and we get Moses receiving the 10 commandments. And Satan's like, yeah, but you guys broke all of them.

And I'm like, yeah, but most of them were bad, right? It's a double, is it a triple negative? If they break all the bad commandments as an argument for badness? Yeah, I unclear. Well, they can't help but I accidentally point that out, right? Because after he says the 10 commandments, Satan goes,

well, you broke all of them. May I remind you all the war and rape of the ancient world and i'm like nuttin the ten commandments against war and rape buddy also the movie tries to distract us from that sentence with thundery keys you know the relief the movie there's thunder from god and everyone sort of stops and goes like oh oh, you want

to, you want to talk about something else? It's a good stuff. Our own movie with our lines from this movie. Yeah. So I guess, Satan's going to run and get a thunder shirt, so they have to do a doodly do. And this is where we drop in on the Trojan war, not because it's an important point in history, y'all, but because they had some leftover B-roll

from Helen of Troy that they could use. Yes! This was awesome. Come on, they were just like, you know what, the real problem with the Trojan War was, Helen of Troy enjoyed it too much. Yes, she was. So, the whole thing was just so misogynistic, right?

So, and one thing I noticed, like my first time, I was like, wow, Helen is awfully blonde for a greek woman. But then I actually, you know, here I had to go and do it, right? I went and people did and sure enough, there's like a raging debate about whether or not the whole Troy was blonde or gray now. Really?

What was her name? It's just like, okay. So I can't see it. I would have thought that was a no brainer. Yeah, but so like, here's the fundamental error in this movie is that the whole thing, they keep dropping us in on like quick scenes from more interesting movies, right? Like if I would much rather be watching a movie

about the Trojan War, right? Yeah. This movie is definitely dedicated to being like, ah, let me tell you, the glitz and glamour of pre-Bronzage. I don't know where I was going with this. Sorry, look, we have 14 seconds of fire footage. How about that? We live a fire for this movie.

Imagine we're old. I did a fire, yeah. Oh, and by the way, just in case Tom from Cognitive Distance is listening, Vincent Price brought up the Atrustkins, I had nothing to do with it. He he he he. And so, okay, and then Ronald Coleman though,

he's like, okay, I'll see your Trojan War, but I'll raise you Socrates, huh? He he he. Oh, awesome. Socrates one, isn't real, two is super deduperper not a counter to genocide. I'm agree with you on two. I'll go with you on two. I love two. They run out right like what about Socrates and Plato and Aristotle. Those are all the philosophers we can

ship. But they, I mean Aristotle, he Aristotle named named all the sciences and created science Yeah, and I was just like wait so is Socrates and is Aristotle supposed to be on the side of good because I thought science hated God and was the devil's work It's unclear where this is Christianity you know backward right because it's like in 1957 They're just like oh the sciences and well, you know, backward, right? Because it's like in 1957, they're just like, oh, the sciences and we all, you know, are all down with the sciences. And it's just like, was it, is it evolution that just, you know, set that thing on its head

or I don't know. I mean, they had evolution back in 1957. So I don't know what was going on. All right. So interestingly enough, I just googled this. Ken Ham was born in 1951. So he hadn't had a chance to get to him yet. That's what happened. There we go.

Now we know the cause. Yeah. It was bad to probably around his 18th birthday or so when they completely went to that. Yeah. So it was some art too, right? So art. And it was like, he's like, I'm looking at the sculptures and I'm just like, those are naked people.

Like, what is this? What is this? What is that? What was Christianity in 57? How has it actually gotten worse? Right. You know, today if someone says penis in a biology class, angry parents are gonna confront the school

about turning their kids gay. And I'm just like, but here they are saying like, oh look, all these famous artists, you carved all these naked people. And I'm just like, that's not the religion I grew up in. I don't get it. You know, and hypocritees, they're like, illness is our cause by God. people and I'm just like that's not the religion I grew up in. I don't get it. And

Hippocrates, they're like, illness is our cause by God. I'm like, wait, can we force Christians to watch this? Like, yeah, they're like, and then the Hippocrates figured out that religion was superstitious bullshit. Wait, I'm sorry, who's movie are we watching again? Who's our point? I do. I have to point out this little scene though, speaking of carving naked dudes, they have this one moment where they were supposed to show Michelangelo carving David. And he's the thing is styrofoam or something, right? He's carving it and it's just waving back and forth. Sorry, that just cracked me the fuck up. So yeah, okay, but to counter all that bullshit about humans, haven't science and and abacrities and all that, Vincent

Price pulls out Cleopatra's bra. Yep, it's time to blame a 15 year old teenager for the fall of Rome. It was so crazy. And that was the first thing I thought. I was like, what is with this gratuitous use of a bra to illustrate Cleopatra? It's so, the whole thing is so misogynistic. And I thought the same thing. I was like, sure, blame a teenage kid because she victimized the ruler of like the Roman Empire and his general.

It's, uh, she served him on, right served them on right? They're not just like having sex with a teenager. She's manipulating them. And also when we open up the Cleopatra scene, we open on her poisoning her little brother. That's the open and she's just like her and her little brother having a toast together. We are good friends and have no preceding conflict here. Have some boys. I'm Cleopatra. Yeah. Would you like to drink? I just like to poison, but I have major issues with this actor who played the brother was he told not to get his costume dirty because I swear. If we could get the like original shots of this, there is someone yelling fall all the way down Nick. She's all the way down. Nevermind. Just push him, push him.

That was the most half fast death I've ever seen. My favorite line in that segment was the love and hate are really the same. that segment was the love and hate are really the same. And they're like, yeah, no. What? No, they're not. So yes, so she poisons her brother, giggles her way off to go fuck Julia Caesar and pick his pocket. What a villainous tart she was.

And then we cut to her fucking over Mark Antony, right? Because everything bad that happened, you know, circa 30 BC was her fault now. And Noah, I wanna express my admiration and appreciation for you pronouncing Mark Anthony, Mark Antony. Yeah, like my plumber pronounces that, it was insane. The movie does this multiple times. They did some weird names. Wait until we get to Adela.

Oh yeah, we're gonna have to find to Adela. Oh yeah. I was like, what? All right. So the only thing I want to point out about this scene with Mark Antony and Cleopatra is that I apparently back in 1957 kisses were measured in PSI. Oh my God. They are sweat. It's like they're doing a crash test dummy test with their skulls and they just slim their dry, tightly closed lips into each other for a fork out. And then pull away like they're undocking a ship. New on screen chemistry with those two. Yeah. So we spent a few minutes with him thinking about how he's going to kill Cleopatra like

we all do from time to time, right? And then everybody killed themselves. And they even give her shit for that. And then that coward is bitch who patriarchal government and stolen her life from and given her no real option killed herself like some kind of coward. Yeah, exactly. They try to end it on like a, can you believe she killed herself like some kind of coward. Yeah, exactly. They try to end it on like a, can you believe she killed herself? Classic lady stuff, right? You put them at the top of a

nation state. You invade them from four directions and all of a sudden it's always me. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I've got historians in my family that I'm going to have to see on Thanksgiving. So I feel like I have to take a break to wash the first third of this movie off of me, but we'll be back in a minute with even more the story of mankind. Tracey, thanks so much for coming on. Hey, no problem, no, I'm happy to be here. T-Dog, what's going on? The tortoise and the Harris.

What's the happy haps? Why is he talking like that? I Like gets a little nervous around smart women. I think it's to do with the hair loss. What I don't know I know all about categorical imperative that's pronounced cut Totally totally I knew that that was it Eli Eli why don't you just try for

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determined if a prescription is appropriate uh... website for full details and safety information this would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor of farm remember that's four hymns.com slash gam ah ah ah did you get in nope that was my shoulder that was my shoulder blacking up I love you uh thanks for coming on though Tracy Yeah, you said that Wow the marks brothers it is such an honor to meet you guys

It's a no problem, huh? So so what will you guys be doing in the movie? What are you like signature skits together? No, no, we all in three different scenes. Oh Okay cool, so now you'll be playing the piano, right? No, there will be piano playing, but I don't play. Okay, so what are you gonna do? Groucho is gonna hit on a lady. I'm gonna say the words, yes, of course. And a heart ball, he's gonna play the harp.

Oh, at least he's gonna play that's amazing. For one sixth of the harp. Oh, at least he's gonna play that's amazing. For one sixth of a second. Oh. Wait, was I in the sketch? Yes, Tracy, you were Harpo. That's a weird. And we're back when we last left off,

we were blaming Roman politics on Cleopatra and we're gonna rejoin the action on a party with Nero, which I got to say honestly, uh, this looks pretty tame by his standards. Yeah, I was gonna say this movie is trying to show us DePravity, but like they must have read a history book about what Nero did and they were like, okay Stuff that Nero did that we can put in movies in 1957 And they came up with a lady on a buying swing, right? Stuff that Nero did that we can put in movies in 1957 Right, yeah, what a great job she has right? We have laughing we can have laughing in the movie. Yeah, also I have to say um we have the apparently pre-1970

International symbol of hedonism which is a literal person chasing an attractive young woman. If I had a nickel for every movie we've watched, where they've just put in a little person and then turned to the screen to be like, right? How weird is this person who is different than us? Yeah. Okay. So they cut to Nero and he looks as disappointed that he turned out to be Peter Laurie as I was.

Nope. Why did you do that? Peter Laurie. Peter Laurie looks so genuinely depressed. There are undoubtedly 50 to 100 cuts on the floor somewhere of him going, you know, I was in Casablanca. I'd hand the multi's falcon, I don't, I don't know why I did this. He always looks like he's sad like his face is melting or something. Yeah. Yeah. He's got that pre-mitch McConnell melty face thing.

No, before we realized how bad it could get, yeah. Also, now is the time on Sprockets when we dance apparently, because as soon as we're in the studio, we end up with this like four and a half minute dance routine. Oh my goodness. And again, it's supposed to be like a sexy, lascivious, sinner dance, but it's 1957. So she's wearing a tank top and doing the twists.

If you've seen the classic trek with the green slave lady dancing, you've seen this. Yeah. It was that I was just like, she's supposed to be green. Like I've seen this before, but she was green. Right. Nero supposed to drop her into the rank court chamber at any moment. Now, yeah, one thing I noticed was like the food, right? What would blew my mind? And it's like on the one hand, I was kind of torn because

I was thinking, man, I would just eat the shit out of those devil eggs. Right. So they had devil eggs. Yeah, top of a food, like a pyramid thing that we have like bread and and bird, like fowler or something all around the bottom and then on top we're like Demo the eggs, but they were They were like going along the pyramid like something nailed them to it or something Yeah, it's like how do you get these eggs to stay up there and hang that way like from this pyramid? And so then I thought man how long does this egg been hanging there because I mean I like double the eggs

But now they've been out, but about four o'clock on Thanksgiving Day, those eggs would start to get a little hippie, right? And then I thought, I thought, I thought, I've got a double eggs, even like a thing for Nero, were they like, were they, I forgot to Google that, I should have,

because they're probably be able to make a big deal about whether they had double eggs. And then I thought, well, did they have the sweet potato thing with the little marshmallows. They can. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's so fucking hilarious to me though that they were like, okay, so what would you have in a decadent orgy devil decks?

I don't know. I don't know. Obviously. Yeah, exactly. Look, everyone knows you fill up on eggs after the orgy. Never before. Worms and dirt for the kids because it's near. And of course, the punchline to this is that when they walk out into the onto the balcony, it turns out that Rome has been burning this entire time and he was just there. Fuck it out.

And this is how fucking bad this goddamn movie is. They have Neuro playing a fucking harp. Well, Rome burns like a violin, though, to his credit. You could get Peter Laurie, but not a fiddle. And he even said they even like they practiced it with, you know, uh, Nehru wasn't accomplished, what was it like to get accomplished musician and singer. And I was like, you don't get to say that Nehru was an accomplished singer when you cast Peter Laurie.

But you just don't. But Rital Coleman, he's there too, right? He's defending humanity. And he's like, yes, Nehru was bad, but elsewhere in Rome, there were Christians. It was horrible. It was horrible. I mean, wasn't it horrible? It's like, okay, so this guy is burning down like the entire city, killing everybody.

He's like, torch the whole city. He's got his debauchery laughing party happen in the background. Devil Diggs are getting stale. And then he's out there like, you know, gonna sing like Peter Laurie. And the counter to all this is, hey, there's people praying in a cave. So.

Yeah. Oh my God, this is all you have. Balanced as an outlet. That's an encounter balance. Like a massive citywide fire. Like it just doesn't. Well, but in but say at this point here is that apparently Nero was all of Rome's fault because the Romans didn't overthrow Nero.

Right, which is so bizarre, right? Like I read, I don't know if you've ever read any of the writings of Caesar, but they had this thing called the Friend of Rome. And what it meant was Caesar would take like a huge army and go to where you live and say, we would really like you to accept the hand of friendship from Rome. You can say no, but that means we kill you.

And so I'm looking at this and I'm like, I don't think these people just, you know, quote, accepted it, right? Like, Rome was kind of, yeah, I mean, so there's a little bit of coercion going on there. And the other thing accepted it, right? Well, it was kind of like, yeah, I mean, so there's a little bit of coercion going on there. And the other thing is slaves, right? Yes, they're not volunteers, they were slaves. They just, you know, they didn't stop them.

It's like they're enslaved. I, yeah, seemed like we were doing a little victim blaming here. Yes. But then we cut over to the Christians. This is where we meet Dr. Groucho Marx's daughter. She's the baby Christian here. Oh, all right.

Good to know. They should have put the glasses in the mustache on her. Right. Yeah. That would have been a little more recognizable. But so we have a Christian couple with the baby and the man goes, Nero's scarves are coming.

We should get our children out of here and the woman goes, nope, we should die for Jesus because he died for us And the dad's like, okay Sorry, yeah, I forgot Jesus is a big fan of dying for no reason. Yeah, let's hit on this Yeah, no, stay and be martyred right for and you know, they don't really explain that like they didn't go into Blading the Christians. It was just this weird segue where he's laughing and the city's burning. And the next thing you know, there's these Christians praying and then guards come in

and take them away. And you're just like, what, what? What? If you don't know the story, you're kind of lost at that point, right? Like you haven't read the book. Yeah, that's a really weird thing to say about this movie that's trying to present the history. As if you don't already know all this history, you're completely fucking lost, right?

Holy lost, yeah. Yeah, and it's just like, how is that help, right? I'm still, I'm sorry, but I'm still struggling. Entire city burned to the ground, and the good part is Christians died. Right. Okay. Okay, so yeah, that's the positive human part of it. And as if it wasn't confusing enough, it's immediately going to smash cut us over to

Attila the Hun, who this movie will one call Adela the Hun, and two, blame for the dark ages. But yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, okay, all the evil history in this movie so far has been non-European. Every woman we've met has been engineering the downfall of a society or whatever. So when they say, Adela the fucking hunt and then cut to a screaming man in black face, I was zero percent surprised. I was just writing in my notes, no man, it's pronounced jiggle-watt, you know, I give up

Yeah, but yeah right after explaining that Christianity was this light in a dark world They say oh well, let's fast forward to the most Christian time in any place anywhere in the world Huh the dark ages they call it must have been a brown person's fault Yep, yeah, okay call it must have been a brown person's fault. Yep. Yeah. Okay. They call it, they said they described it as like a horrible time. Thousands of years of progress were burned and learning and medicine, arts and signs all lost. And it's like, but Rome is evil because of depravity and oppression.

Like, I mean, the reason they're saying it's like, you know, Rome is really horrible. But, you know, but wait, there's, there's Adela coming along to make things horrible again. It is horrible, right? Here's some more. And it's like, but remember, there's people praying in a cave that died. Yeah, right. There's a counterbalance, right?

I'm like, yeah. And let's not forget the angel's counterbalance to the dark ages is King Arthur. He admits that's a fictional dude in the movie. It's like watching an intelligence square debate whether or not King Arthur is fictional. He was awesome whether or not he was fictional. Yeah. And here's the thing. I'm just going to say this, right?

It's really funny to me when I see these guys up there. Well, first of all, it's like, it's all guys, right? So you've got nothing but men. I mean, there are people sitting around in the court that are women, but you've got like the judges, the guys, the lawyers, the guys. Even Satan's assistant is a guy, right? You could easily have made his assistant

like a girl in a monotard like you, withins or something, but no, it's just this dude. And so anyway, I'm looking at this and they're talking about the the Arthurian stuff and they're saying that this was, you know, once again, people have discovered human rights are sacred. And I was just like, only a man could say that. Yeah. You have to be a guy because there was nothing about human rights in the in Arthur's court. No. Like nothing for women, for women. No. Well, okay.

And then after they come out of the Arthurian shed in an argument in favor of Christianity being the light offered to a dark world, they show us a reenactment of the goddamn crusades. Yes! But all of that culture that was burned down by the Europeans was saved by the people we attacked during the crusades for no goddamn reason. Right? And he gets stopped during this by Satan. Satan's like, I'm sorry, did you say the crusades are a good thing?

And he's like, I'm sorry, did you say the crusades are a good thing? And he's like, um, I'm sorry, do you like medieval times? No. I need to pretend you said yes, because without the crusades, we wouldn't have had jousting and jousting is fun. They gave me a turkey leg. This is my counter to the dark age. Even the Richard Harris Camelot, right? Anybody has ever, you've seen the, the glammed up Arthurian story for Hollywood knows that it's, I mean, the whole thing, it's like, oh, you slept with my wife, I'm going to have to kill you now, because that's the law. And it's like, yeah. You said, this is human rights, right?

And then what happens to the reality character too? But she escapes to a monastery where she's going to be in a room for the rest of her life. And, like, because you get me, you had sex, right? And I'm like, this is the dawn, this is the sacred human right? It's like, this is wild. Yeah.

Oh, I love this moment too, because they're talking about the crusades and Ronald Coleman wraps up by going, and like all wars, no one really won the crusades. No, no, the Muslims won, man. That's why they live there now and we don't. Look, I have a feeling we've got a conflict in Vietnam that we're also going to end up calling a tie, so it's like a pro out there.

It was really weird. It was like, yeah, remember that tie we had with Hitler? Yeah. Yeah, when we tied with Germany, I know you sometimes, I mean, I understand what they're trying to say, which is like, you know, war is held no matter which side you're on. I get that, but it was just like a little bit too broad, generally, I think. And then they're going to argue Satan and the sole spirit of man are going to argue over who has dibs on Joan of Arc, whether Joan of Arc represents the good or evil of man?

I couldn't figure it out. Yeah, right? I was twisted. I was just like, okay, so Satan Price, he nails it again, right? So he's got a woman tries to break out of her gender stereotype roles, and then they kill her. Yep. And I'm like, okay, so is Joan a good person or a bad person because she hears these

saints, right? And I'm assuming if the saints are talking to her, they're probably like her. But then she isn't being a submissive Christian woman. And I mean, it's just like, I can't tell if she's with the prosecution of the offense here. Yeah, nor could the movie. Yeah.

Right. And by the way, this is, Joan of Arc is played by Heide-Eluar in her final. I is a Joan of Arc is played by Heddy Lour in her in her final Um, and I Got a bit of an obsession with her after I went Samson and Delilah. She is 44 years old in this movie Wow I look so much older than Heidi Lamar Yes, yeah, exactly

Yeah, exactly. I was like, he had Benatar is June of Park. That's I didn't even know she was back in 57, but there she was. Yeah, but they did at least they had to do process right because they were like, first we have the trial and then we burn.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Wait, but the shot of her getting They had due process right because they were like first we have this file and then we burn. Yeah, right. Exactly. But the shot of her getting captured is so good. They just show her on a horse and two guys come and take her off the horse. Well she looks at him like, oh come on. Don't even get to ride it in a circle there. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. I already put in my quarter. Got to do it. So they take her to this religious authority thing, exactly. Exactly. I already put in my quarter goddamn. So they take her to this religious authority, think whatever. And I only bring that scene up because the guy who's prosecuting her is dressed like Santa's formal wear, I guess. Ha ha ha. Yes. He's like Santa went on Queer Eye for the straight guy. And also Prince Charles walks by playing with a condama. I am really confused about the Prince Charles shade in this movie.

I just put my note in here says, what's up with Prince Charles in that ball and cup game? I don't know if there was a name for it, but I mean, I shouldn't have Googled, right? And, um, yeah, no, Kandama is the advanced form of Paul and Paul. Yeah, no, he was like, you know, and she's, she's just like, who's Charles, Prince Charles, if he's just like walking by, I focus on his, I'm going to get this Paul in this one. I'm going to get a paddle wall. That would have been really, oh, yeah, right. Oh, yeah. Get that thing going. Modern version. He's searching for Pokemon on his switch.

Yeah. And then of course, gee, Prince Charles won't help her. He's too interested in his fucking Pogo ball or whatever. And then we get this great shot of her being burned at the telephone pole. Hey, hey, hey, hey, take it. the telephone pole. All right. So Satan tries to condemn humanity with the middle ages, but Coleman calls the Renaissance to the stand. And this is where we check in with Leonardo Da Vinci.

And they talk about how awesome the Mona Lisa is while they're standing in front of the worst replica of the Mona Lisa. It's like a paint by numbers. They didn't bother to do. Yeah, also his defense, he starts listing off Renaissance things technically. But they jump backwards and forwards in time and technology, he's like Michelangelo, Machiavelli,

the printing press, the iPhone. Steve from accounting, Leonardo da Vinci. Look at you, Steve. This was the point where I started to realize that I just had no idea how this trial worked. Right, like I was just like, I, I, I, I mean, if you're in it, let's say we're in a trial, we wanna see if somebody murdered somebody, right?

It's like, so you're trying to figure out whether they murdered someone or not, and you have people presenting evidence, and you know that you've got a certain level of evidence, or like so it's got to be on a shadow of a doubt or the ponderance of the evidence, or whatever it is, but they explain that to you, and they say, here's what we're showing you, and here's what you're trying to determine. But in this case, I had no idea what the metrics are that we're supposed to be using to determine

whether people should live or die, and it's like they are showing these, these different things. It's like there's a certain percentage of what decent acts or decent people. And what is that threshold that we're supposed to, I mean, what are we supposed to be? What's our metric? I have no metric. Yeah. What am I supposed to, how am I supposed to determine this? Right.

How many Leonardo da Vinci's counteract one, Adela the Hun? Yeah. How many people praying in a cave equals Hitler? Yeah, exactly. Well, and they don't address that. Instead, they have this weird minor argument about whether or not Leonardo da Vinci invented the machine gun and if he did did he think it was gonna be used for good? I just put I put the printing press and Tishin paintings versus the Holocaust in slavery. I like reading books as much as the next person. Yeah, I would probably give up the printing press to stop the Holocaust. And I think that would be okay if Tishin had never painted anything if we could not have that slavery, right? So, I think that this is about what would you, you know, who would win the lion or the bear

shark, right? It's like, I think that what we're looking at here is I'm going to have to go with Satan and say that, man, we've let a lot of really crappy things go and then we're excusing it with like Titian paintings. Yeah. Well hold on but just to ensure that everything is in reverse in this movie we shall now praise that Paragon of Human Virtue Christopher Columbus. Oh that was so bad.

And so that it can insult us on every possible level. This is the scene with Chico Marx. And they have utilized Chico Marx to go. So you're saying the earth is round? Cool. That's it. That's it. The problem with Chico Marx in this movie's opinion is that he made too many fucking jokes.

So. Yeah. this movie's opinion is that he made too many fucking jokes. Yeah, so Chris Columbus is showing Chico Marx the rowdy wants to take on a goddamn Denny's celebrate your up place man. Right? And Chico Marx is like, huh, nifty. They said I'd get $25,000 for being in this movie. And then Satan's like, Satan cuts in and he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, doesn't this story end with smallpox blankets, right?

But of course, in this fucking movie, the only example we can use of European's being cruel to the Native Americans is the Spanish. Yeah. Which, which the like lawyer for humanity, that's his point. He's like, I mean, yeah, the Spanish were bad, but the English were, they were never anything but cordial to the Native people. Look the land that they tell you what, why don't we cut over to the Queen of England and we're talking about the English in the New World.

Well, we'll just cut over to the, we got, we got some of those costumes for the Metropolitan Opera. Who wants to see some costumes, huh? Well, yeah, but to be super clear here, in his defensive humanity, pointing out all the good stuff we should, we've done that should counterbalance the Holocaust and the slavery and all that stuff. He's come up with so far the crusades and the colonization by Europeans of the Americas. Yeah. As the good things. Yeah. That's your best moments.

Yeah, that's when we were really killing it. Okay. So now we get a Spanish diplomat coming to see Queen Elizabeth the first before it was cool. And she is dressed like Bozo got a goth girlfriend. Oh, it is amazing. No, you know what I thought? I stared at it and I stared at it and I was like,

man, those sleeves, right? So she's got, just to describe it. It's like she said these striped sleeves where they're like, I guess, horizontally striped if you're standing with your arms down. And they're like this very pale pink and then red and the really pink. And it was almost like white and red, white and was like what is this and I just kept looking at

the sleeves and then she has this crazy orange air and finally I was like oh my god Ronald McDonald right? Of course I hit Wikipedia and I found out that McDonald's was founded in 1940 but Ronald didn't become their mascot until 1962, just four years after the film came out. You tell me. Wow. And speaking of early McDonald's mascot trivia, if you want to have nightmares for the rest

of your life, look up the original grimace, right? Like what do you look like at first? Look at terrifying. Yeah, so, so, so, she, bozos got girlfriend want spain to fuck off. And the way they present this is spain's like, but we want to take over this new world and I've exploited people and England is just like, but we want freedom for all. That's their historical take on this, right? Yep. That England wanted freedom of the seas for all. And it's like, no, England wanted freedom of the seas for England.

For England, yes. Dominance is actually what they called it, sort of the opposite of freedom when you think about it. Yeah. And she's going to get cheered up here in my favorite scene of the movie by a random Shakespeare quote generator. Shake as a guy. Yes, yes.

So Shakespeare's here. She's like, read me some of your new shit. I need a distraction. Would you like to hear something from Taming of the Shrew? And she's like, no, I was offended about it as people probably should be about them. Well, I know it was it was like it was a self indictment, right? It's like, came into the shrew and immediately she's like, Hey, is that about me? It's like, yeah, what would make you think that, right? Why would you assume it's about you?

I wrote my nose. You're so vain. You probably think this Shakespearean play is about you. Yeah. But he gives her a pep talk and that's how Shakespeare saved Christmas What the fuck are they going? Yep, the end Yes So yes, so England bravely killed people and brought feet freedom to

Some rich white males sort of all right well quick before this thing goes full cold bear rapport intro and it's about to We're gonna pause for a quick break, but first let me give act three the hard sell Will freedom find a land? Will bravery find a home? Why didn't any history happen in China? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the inconsequential conclusion of the story of mankind.

What's the matter, Queen Elizabeth? What's the matter? I'm Shakespeare. I'm so mad about this upcoming war with Spain. I have no idea what to do. Will, as I always say, to be or not to be. Why, yes, of course. We must make a stand against the Spanish. Are we to be ruled by them or rule? Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

That's right. We don't deal with summer storms the way the Spanish do. We'll block hate them from the new world during the warm, tropical seasons. Pop on pop. Therefore, bringing challenge to the familial mind trapped in the new world. That and a tragic grasp of Brittany is sure to force peace. Thanks Shakespeare. This is in the movie. Yes it is. You sing an Oscar winner. And we're back for yet more of this shit.

When we left off, the white man was feeling awfully burdened and we're going to pick up the action with them bringing Christianity to those savage barbarians in the new world. Yep. Now it's time for the peaceful colonists under John Smith. Yeah. Yeah. I love that back as recently as 1957, they could list and they cleared the forests as a positive thing that you're a poor man. Oh, man. But once again, Satan nails it. He's like, wait, wait, smallpox blankets. Guys, didn't you genocide? The people that were already there

so that you could bring in slaves? I'm like, my fuck, Satan's going full-howards in on a scow's seat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was watching. I was just like, you know, just getting myself clear that the good guy, the guy on our side is glossing over all the length of the genocide and Satan, who's supposed to be

the evil one, is condemning all of it. Yeah, I was like, wait, what? And then I thought, you know, this is the only way to make us look good. We just need to go down for the crimes. I mean, it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it that we can spare the people who are pressing and then just age bomb the oppressors like. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. It's time to throw yourself on the mercy of the court when the best you can do is yeah, but most of them died from diseases that we just didn't know they weren't immune to. Right. But they probably can't do that. You know, they probably

can't just kill some, the people that are doing the bad things and keep the people who are doing, not doing bad things or not doing as bad things alive because they're just God. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly. What do you expect them to be omnipotent?

They need a much more specific hydrogen bomb in that situation. All right. So now we're going to quickly doodly do over to Sir Walter Raleigh getting beer dumped on his head for smoking a pipe because, you know, a humor beat. That's what this movie needed. I had no idea. Was that a joke? Was the movie like, okay, all right, we were getting a little down with the whole

agenocide thing. So one time they didn't know what a pipe was. Yep. Okay, let's get back to some Native Americans now. Here we go. That's the whole bitch. Yeah, it is. His whole pitch is about, the whole defense of man as good seems to just be, we invented

shit. Yeah, yep. Right, like we invented some shit, like we're including machine guns and. Right, yeah, and smoking tobacco. Yeah. Yep. Right. Like we invented some shit like including machine guns and yeah, and smoking tobacco. Right. Yeah. And just FYI there is a really hysterical Bob who skit with Walter Raleigh. If anybody wants to Google it later, it's really hysterical. No, they'll do. All right. So now we cut, we're gonna, Satan would like to do toly do back to the purchase of Manhattan.

So we cut to some Native Americans as seen by Dan Snyder. Woof! And... Groucho Marx, we'll do the closest thing to comedy in this movie, but definitely does not hit comedy. Oh.

God, this was sad. Yeah, this by the way was the Marx Brothers last movie. This by the way was the Marks Brothers last movie. This was the last time the Marks Brothers were all in a movie. No. Yep. This was this was the end of it all. Yeah, just like Hetty Lamar and Ronald Coleman, they were never to be seen again. Woof. Maybe they thought like, okay, it's only downhill from here. They were like, guys, guys, we got to stop. You saw what just happened when we tried to make a lot in their movie. So yes, so they're haggling.

He's haggling for Manhattan with Stick, right? And if I'm not mistaken, one of the gags, one of the running gags in this skit is that the Native American chief has smallpox and is dying. Oh, is that it? I mean, he keeps talking about how he's sick and he has to move west and all this. So, oh. Oh.

I'm just like, boy, does massacring an entire continent of cultures lend itself to humor, right? Like, that was said in this writer's room. Nothing. Funny or well, see, all my notes for this scene are just, I know they, I know they know that Groucho Marx was funny. They just don't seem to know that Groucho Marx was funny because of the things he said and did, not by default. They're like, huh? Groucho Marx. It's all gold.

Yeah. I just had, allga, it was awkward and indigenous stereotypes. And then I couldn't, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. What does he do? Yeah. It was, yeah, it was really just strange to see the stick sort of, you know, oh, this is so funny, we're stealing land from the Indians, isn't this hysterical? Yeah, right, right. And their kids kids, who is, because we're going to kill them all off. Yeah, right, that was it.

And then by the way, as those are the Peter Peter Minowatt story isn't bad enough, they also have a bit where Groucho Marx like steals this guy's daughter too, which is all the more offensive since she's 19 and he's like 56 in the sun seeing or something. Yep. It's a weird joke. Let's just say that. It's also like, it's not even full lascivious groucho marks, right?

Like you look at some of the old marks brothers movies and you're like, oh, that's not great. But like this is literally just him being like, and now I own this woman. They informed me this was a joke. All right. And for me, I'd get $25,000.

And I'm done. I just want to maybe correct myself that skit for Walter Raleigh. It might be Bob Newhart. Oh, okay. That makes way more sense that Bob Newhart was funny than that Bob Hope was. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah. All right.

So now we fast forward to the Salem witch trials. And then I think Christianity is trying to blame the Salem witch trials on Satan. I think I don't, I don't even know. Well, they were, they're definitely sure that the Salem witch trials caused the black plague. Oh, they have an art. When they bring up the black plague, they seem to be arguing over whose fault that was humanities or gods, and they landed on humanities for not cleaning up their turds. Right. I want to say that what was the weirdest thing to me was saying that the great fire of London was an overall positive thing because they come in with like a whew, thank goodness there was the

great fire of love. Yeah, it really took out all those hospitals full sick people. Yeah, exactly. What? I mean, my notes were burning pillaging, plague, and filthth and killing people as witches versus right that's the downside and the counter to that is What do we call things that fall down? Okay, so we labeled gravity and that's versus like you know all of London burns and then we kill a bunch of people because we believe in witches Yeah, no trying to find the connective tissue in this movie is like the analogy

portion of the SATs. But yeah, now we move on to Isaac Newton. As played by Harpo Marx, and I'm going to make a candidate mission here, I had no fucking idea. Harpo Marx had red hair. That freaked me right the fuck out. This is by the way the best part of the movie. Oh God, okay so just full disclosure, I fucking hate Harbour Marks. Every time he shows up on screen, I'm just like, oh good, the comedy will come to a screeching halt for five minutes while you play a harp and do the same joke three times. Oh, it's not a problem.

This is, oh, this GAM 22, the final episode of God Awful Movies. I care. This is plums poem. This is plum again all over again Noah. This is plum game. Plum harp okay. I feel like I just locked in on some couples. Yeah.

You did them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna on some couples core. Yeah. You did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You watched 222 Christian movies together. You developed somewhat of a long term crunch about things. But yeah, Harpo plays the harp and stares directly into the camera, malding.

Eli, please don't watch this. Eli, please don't watch this. And then we move on to the American Revolution. Yes, right, right. He's like, humans are bad. And then Ronald Coleman's like, well, what about America? And I'm like, who's cider you on? Yeah.

And then of course, because this is the movie that it is, Satan can't point out any terrible shit America did. He ever so instead he goes, yeah, America may be fucking awesome and there's no argument about that. But what about those filthy fucking French? What did they do when we gave them freedom, huh? Yeah. Well, you know what though, I will say that for them on the American side, right?

They basically argued that the genocidal land thieves revolted because they were over taxed and that was real oppression. Yeah. Like we were really oppressed. Not like those people we killed. Yeah. And by the way, if I'm not mistaken, we were paying the lowest taxes of any British subjects in the world. And they were still oppressing women. Yeah, right. They were about to start a precious slave trade. Yeah. This was the good, right? This is the good thing. That's the freedom country. Yeah. And then, you know, Marie Antoinette has not been unfairly maligned by history enough yet. So we should probably spend a few minutes digging into what a bitch she was, right? Well, hey, credit where credits do this movie delivers the Let The Meat

Cake line, like Marie Antoinette was doing crowd work at the Comedy Seller. She was playing it to the crowd for sure. And then so one of the things that made this movie so fucking bad is that no one could agree on how seriously they were taking it, right? Because we just had harpo marks as Isaac Newton slicing an apple with his harp and we move immediately from that to Dennis Hopper going for an Oscar as Napoleon. The, the most straight face. Yes, romantic. Yeah.

Boring and dry. See, like this isn't, it's like they clipped into a polion movie that ended up getting cut. Right. Like this was his big Oscar bid for the year, but there was a fire in the editing room. We'll put you in the Groucho Marx movie. Don't worry, man. It'll work just a good man. All right, and by the way, I love this when we come away from Napoleon They have to represent Waterloo, which they do by putting a firecracker in front of a wood sign that says Waterloo.

Oh my they might as well just have a bang gun in front of it. Yeah, exactly. And again coming right out of Dennis Hopper's incredible, serious interpretation. So we go back to the court, Satan's like, uh, yeah, but what about like, you know, all the wars that there were? And he's got a weird list. I'll admit, the genocide of the Native Americans, the Mexican American war, the California gold rush, okay close now Satan close now you've run out of shit. Not a war, not particularly a war. But again, this is 1957. So I feel like they had a lot of viewers who like lost grandparents

in the gold rush. They were like, finally, they shall not be forgotten. in the gold rush. They were like, finally, they should not be forgotten. In the battle of California. Yes, what was that? Yeah, so and then we talk about the Civil War, A. Blinken pops in to read the Emancipation Proclamation to us. Yep. Oh, yeah, they were like, you know, look at Lincoln and oh, we were in Lincoln and I was like, wait a minute, hold on a minute. Do you really get points for fixing what you broke? Hey, we stopped in slaving people, where's our cookie? I don't know if you get a cookie for not. It's like saying, well, we didn't genocide all the Indians, so do we?

Yeah. Or we eventually stop genocide. That's the thing is so much of this movie is like, Satan will go like, well, you guys did this and Coleman will go, right, but we also stopped doing that. That eventually ended. History. Nailed it. And so did Owens.

And then he brings up music. And I'm just like, yeah, again, gravity is not an argument to burning London and the play. And people praying in a cave is not, you know, doesn't counter burning Rome and slavery. And with this one, it was just like music is not a counter to J.O.C. Oh my God, genocide. Somebody else turns around and says, go, yeah, well, music.

Yeah. Well, no, it's music and Alexander Crambell. Yes. And Thomas Edison, who bravely stole dozens of inventions. I'll have you in the middle. Yeah, another paradigm of virtue. How ironic, how ironic is the invention of Engines that run on fossil fuels. Yes in any age of global warming as you watch the film and you're like

Humanities defense attorney is shit. They're going and and burning fossil fuels Yeah, if this was done today, Satan would just turn around and said, global warming. Yeah, right. Right. One of them a much shorter movie. But then okay. So, uh, Satan points out, you know, as Coleman's making his, the spirit of man is making his argument about how great Beethoven and Alexander Graham Bell are Satan cuts into point out that they're barely a decade removed from world war goddamn two and worse even than that jazz What happens in the movie or am I crazy? No, we was like watching that we're badness. It was yeah We was like watching that we for madness. It was yeah

Yeah, so they go for a little Hitler's humor. Uh important rule of comedy Hitler's humor comes in threes. Yeah Also was Zigg Hyal a colon response thing because this movie is pretty sure it was Yeah, they play a little Zigg Hyal, zig. Yeah, like Marco Polo. I say zig, you say hi. Yeah, you get the little turntable action. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, right here, they also cut in some stock footage from World War II as they're doing this in the middle of this movie with Apple slicing

harb in all of that jazz. We watch video of people actually die guys. That's great. A whole city full of them at the end. The bombing of a Rochema, which I feel like both Vincent Price and the lawyer for the good were like, is that one yours or mine? I haven't listened to the damn Carlin episode. Yeah. How do we come out on this?

Yeah. Who? All right. But just as things are looking grimace for mankind, Ronald Coleman has one last chance to change the jury's mind. Comes up and he says, first of all, my summation will be brief. This movie is already way to goddamn long. And then he offers his ultimate defensive humans, which seems to be, but boy, after every genocide,

we just get back up and try again, though, don't we? Yep. We are not all dead, which would somehow make us worse. Yeah, I'm just doing it Yeah, I'm unclear. I'd like to call a baby to the stand. Yeah, this defense is the future of humanity. I'm thinking to myself, hmm, this from a vantage point from 62 years hence, no, we lose. Yeah, I was going to say, because whether or not you like it, this movie was made in 1957, which means he is calling boomers to the stand. Yeah, exactly. Like, okay, Boomer, save us. Right? I was just like, it's a baby, it's a baby, it's

a cute, and it was waving. It was like waving from his chair like over on the other cloud. You see like these waving at everybody. I was just like, and then they had the great clock from outer space. It was like every mid-century sun clock. It was ever on somebody's wall. We were kids. Oh God, that was so amazing too. Because basically they caught in in the last five minutes of the movie and they say steaks. Right. Okay. Here's a clock. If you can't convince us that humanity's good in the next five minutes, we're going to blow up humanity. It's like, oh, and most

movies inject stakes way earlier than that. Yeah, but most movies had more than 10 minutes of the Marks Brothers time. So I get why they ended it there. But Satan Price, man, he was just like playing on your emotions. He's manipulating you, you know, with this baby. I was just like, yeah, but oh my God, look, it's a baby. And it was dressed like a little Kennedy. I was just like, yeah, it was a Kennedy. Yeah, but think about the year, that could be baby Mike Pence for all we know, right?

Yeah, I mean, don't even, yeah, no. It's like, would you kill Hitler if he went back? So yeah. And so just as everybody's swooning over how cute the baby is Satan goes out there and points out that the baby's playing with a toy gun and a toy sword, which I'm with Satan. That's fucking weird. That that would be what the kid would have to play with in heaven, especially weird that that would be what the people have to play with in heaven. Especially it's not exhibit, right? This is what our exhibit is.

Yeah, right. You know, spirit of man, gun to Hitler. You're supposed to be making our argument for us and talking about this innocent little child and you'd like what you cropped in with a gun and a sore face. Yeah, right. We know you have a ball in the cup, right? So you could have just used that. But then it gets even weirder. Yeah, because the reversal is it's a music gun and a sword shaped

pencil box. Yeah. And Satan says that's even more messed up. I've done that plays me at music. Like, I mean, now you're like just, it's almost like having candy flavor cigarettes, right? It's just like, yeah. I was, it's not, it's a gun, but it plays music. Child here playing with a sweet gun. Yeah, so you're convincing them they're not dangerous. Great job.

But Coleman would like to enter a passage from the Bible into evidence. That freaks Satan out and I'm thinking, man, you have not read that book. Like if we get to just randomly read something, it's probably gonna come out on your side. Yeah, if you wanna randomize a page Satan, I think your odds are good.

Yeah, I was right. I wrote my notes like, please be the baby head smashing song. Please be the baby head smashing song. But it was instead just random shit. Yeah, it was really. Yeah, I was so ready for John 316 or maybe some of the pretty parts, but it's just like the Bible says, sure, there are bad people. That's it.

That's what the Bible says. Sure, there are bad people. It's just so weird. Yeah, I went back and I actually re-listen to the Bible first because I was just like, wait, I don't understand. I don't know what I'm missing. But yeah, I couldn't understand how it related. Again, it's the worst of the SAT analogy questions.

And what's weird is they have this weird trial with no metrics and you don't know what you're supposed to be evaluating this evidence or what is it, how it counts or can't, is there a point system and there's like nothing that you nothing to work with and at the end of it you realize there's no mechanism for a tie breaker there's no runoff there's no right choice voting yes the big conclusion of the movie is that the judge rules that it's a die. Yep. Or they just set up a sequel for when there was more history or something. The jury finds man medium. Yeah, end of the movie.

The judge just ruled maybe, and then he looks directly into the camera and he goes, the choice is entirely up to you. Just to finish off the goddamn reefer madness comparison. All right. So that closes things off. We made it. We got all the way through. But just in case they hadn't already figured it out, I wanted you guys to help me out a little bit giving the audience a clear picture of the kind of historical accuracy we're talking about with this film. So I brought with me a couple familiar examples. So for these three, I want you guys to tell me if you think that this movie was more or

less accurate than them, right? So was this movie more or less historically accurate than Bill and Ted's excellent adventure? Let's say, not to say medium. Oh, all right. Really tight. uh... let's say not missing medium all right alright was it more or less historically accurate then yanky doodle bugs the history of america is told by bugs bunny more

i haven't seen that but just think about the use of whitewash history it's probably also medium okay alright alright final one here is this movie more or less historically accurate than the current history curriculum for public schools in the state of Texas. Equal equal. Yeah. It might be more historically accurate.

Yeah. I was going to say there was nothing in this movie about how Moses wrote the fucking constitutes. All right. So this is my argument, right? The movie at least acknowledged slavery. That's fair. Right.

Yes, there you go. There you go. Didn't call them helpers at any point. So yeah. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't the transatlantic trade. It was slavery. It was slavery.

Yeah. All right. So Tracy, I can't thank you enough for coming on and hanging out with us today. It's been a blast. I know, like I said, it's a lot more worked in most podcasts. Ask of you. Is there anything you want to plug while we've got you here? Yeah.

So something that came across my plate recently was that when I was back with Godless bitches, we did an interview with Guy and Ethan Dodge and he works with a group now called Truth and Transparency and they are kind of like a, you know, a leak source for religious corruption. And so they were doing Mormon leaks and a few other things and now they've like broadened their arise and truth and transparency and they're just going after corrupt religious Institutions that are doing things they ought to be doing hiding it and so I went ahead and asked the guys what are you know What would be your elevator pitch and they said that in terms of their biggest work It's definitely the fact that Sterling Ben Wagenen is the co-founder of the Sundance film festival He's now in prison as a direct result. They reported and

they connected some 32 billion in US stocks to the Mormon Church that I guess were you know somehow not accounted for and then they exposed a sex abuse cover-up That was happening in the JW Church and they do do a lot of JW reporting But you can go to truthInTransferency.org and kind of see what they're doing there. The reason that I'm joining up with them now and kind of helping them now is that they're pushing for non-profit status, so they've moved to non-profit, and people can donate now

as a charitable effort. And I just felt like it was sort of a positive thing for the secular community to be exposing this. When he was on, if you wanna hear Ethan's episode on Godless Bitches, you can just look up Ethan Gregory Dodge for the Godless Bitches podcast. It was a super interesting episode where he talked about some of the ins and outs of lawsuits that they have to deal with

in order to get some of these documents made public. So it's a very interesting and intricate effort. And I think overall, it's a positive thing to get more transparency and more sunlight into some of these corruption issues that are happening that maybe are staying hidden. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, they did great work with the Mormon Least thing. I was really excited to see that they were branching that out because yeah, they are, this is an entire or series of institutions that have almost zero transparency. We really do have to fight to find out what they're doing at all.

Yeah, absolutely. That's awesome. Yeah, thank you. That's awesome. And of course, we'll have that linked on the show notes as well if you want to find more information. Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.

I appreciate it. And while that doesn't for our review of the story of mankind, that's not going to do it for the episode, just yet because we still need to lure you back in for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, I was lost and alone because after all, next week is our Thanksgiving episode. And we already did the one Christian Thanksgiving movie until a hero came along and brought me a movie, a lifetime original movie called Pumpkin Pie Wars. Oh no. So terrible that it may be the peak of my year just knowing you and Heath are about to watch

it. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up episode 222. Back it up. Once again, a huge thanks to Tracy Harris for hanging out with us today and an even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a prepsidonation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an aftery version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes

and by showing us all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our Simpling shows, this gave the idea citation needed in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on moviesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, this is a P. Ed. Routaurus Tim Robertson, next year of our social media,

our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, a few of our works drafts on Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm no Aleutians, Promise, Norck Hardger,

or another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. America went on to be a shining beacon of freedom for all. This movie doesn't count because Hollywood had its thumb on the page. You saw, I had my thumb on the page. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. you