God Awful Movies - 223: GAM223 Pumpkin Pie Wars

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

On this week's episode, we crank it up to a 3.4 or so. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to this email, along with info on who you want insulted. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Sometimes people I don't look at my phone every hour of every waking up of my day I sometimes have it in a different I don't always look at my phone. That's right. That's right. Sometimes people intentionally haven't seen your texts Yeah, sometimes but avoid their phone Yeah, on the off-camera He's taking the extra extra extra to be constantly getting noises from your phone, whether it's texts or other stuff, alert. All right, all right. But he's, how do you know where to get a deal on CBD gummies?

If you don't check every attack. Ha-ha-ha. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII This is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. I had some milk and some toasts and I'm ready to talk about this vague resemblance to a movie. Let's do this.

And of course, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnichela. How are you, this fine afternoon, sir? Thanksgiving. Decular. Is it? Is that what this was? Pump goodbye. Thanksgiving. is it? Is that what this was? Pumped goodbye. Thanks, giving. Thank you. Thanks, giving never really got referenced. No, they made a pumpkin pie. The suffix, tackler belongs anywhere near this fucking movie. I'm going to be honest with you. Baking montage, tackler.

There you go. Okay. All right. That I can roll with. Yeah. So tell us, Keith, what will we be breaking down today? We watched pumpkin pie wars. It's the story of the bloody gang wars and vanilla planes. Oh, hi. Milktops, oh, hi, between rival bakeries and their control of the world's pie economy. So you know how gangs of New York was great, but it was full of stuff that mattered. Yeah. They fixed it. They dialed everything from 11 to down to three. Yes.

Down to one, zero. And then they made a movie about it. It's about pie. It's morangs of New York. Everybody come down. Oh, I was waiting for it. Oh, I was so ready for it and Eli How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the baking montages of the food network But you hate how sometimes you have to watch multiple scenes in a movie to know what it's about You will love this movie. It's TV for dementia. Yeah. Yeah, but boring dementia, but dementia that doesn't want a lot of excitement. Yeah. You don't want grandma to lose the plot, but you also don't want to get too excited to have a 16th heart

attack. The movie. Exactly. The whole thing's just like, hey, relax. Hey, watch this relax. Yeah, right. No dial down to three. The movie is perfect. Yeah. He's go up to three. Yep. All right, let's get crazy here. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, we already started talking about it. Best worst generic brand movie. This is brand act movie. Yeah. Every element, it's just a vague, low-level version of a movie thing. And they sort of made it into one of their things. Just one quick example, it's a feud between two families. That's what this movie's about. And they're called the Harper's and the McCarthy's because they couldn't get the rights to the Hatfields and the Maccores

because they couldn't get the rights to the Hatfields and the McCartes. You know, Ohio, which also means that when they were writing this, someone was like, because it's an H and an M. I don't know if a lot of people will pick that up, but that's a good one. That's some quality filmmaking. I'm a filmmaker, Steven Spielbergs, a filmmaker, both filmmakers. Brand X word play right there. Yeah, right. No, I'm going to go. I'll give you another great example, right? Because this is a love story and in every love story, the two people who are falling in love have to have a wedge driven between them at some point, you know, some misunderstanding, something overheard and misinterpreted or whatever has to drive a wedge between them. So this movie, it does that

and misinterpret it or whatever has to drive a wedge between them. So this movie, it does that seven and a half minutes before it ends and they resolve it by just, hey, is this what you meant when my sister overheard you saying this? Oh, no, not at all. No. That's the misunderstanding. Yeah. Of when you overheard. Oh, okay. Should we end the movie? Great. Yep. Great. Wow. I'm glad you clarified that could have gone well above a three. Yeah. No, I know. I saw that dial started to above a three. Yeah. No, I know. You saw that dial started to move towards three. No, no, no, we're just going to keep it right here at two. That was great.

I was four territory, if I may say so myself. All right. So I was going to go with best worst community entertainment. So apparently in vanilla planes, Ohio, not only do they all gather in large crowds to watch people bake for an hour, but they do it over and over again in rounds. This is like a round robin hour long pumpkin pie bake off that the entire town comes to and stays at all day. Yeah. and stays at all day. Yeah, Dutch madness. This is there.

Superbowl. And look, I get why Trump won these flyover stances if this is what they have. Right? I'd want to burn it all down to if the height of my year was, I hope that doesn't burn. Honey, can we buy a gun? Yes, very easily. I don't know why we're here then. Bring me back Vishnu. All right, I'm going to go with best worst college product placement. Which one? Wharton. Okay. Wharton College. I don't know what happened. So this is very important.

There are two scenes in this movie where Warton College is mentioned 475 times and then never again. It's like Warton bought a 60 second ad read on a podcast, but inside a hallmark movie. And they were just like, yeah, you can make up whatever you want. Just say, Wharton 104 times in eight seconds. If you want this $6, it's bizarre. Yeah. Trump's alma mater was embarrassed by this movie. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, there's some damn intense needing on the other side of the breaks. So we're going to keep it brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the inconsequential circumstances that are

pumpkin pie wars. It's why says do a, but you're a porn star, right? What a prude. Good morning, boys. Good morning, Mr. Spreitsberg. Good morning, Mr. Spreitsberg. So how's that new porn oh script coming along? You know, pumpkin cream pie.

Oh, it's gonna be great,burg. So, how's that new Pornos script coming along? You know, pumpkin cream pie. Oh, it's going to be great, sir. Yeah, great. Really hot stuff. Oh, yeah, we got some milk stuff in there. We got your classic gonzo shoot. There's a little tough lawyer sister in there.

Oh, my God. And you know what, we got two golfing dads, if you know what I mean. That sounds excellent. Okay. So, which you guys wroteing dads, if you know what I mean. That's the sound. Excellent. Okay. So, uh, which you guys wrote the plot and, uh, which you wrote the fuck stuff? I wrote the plot. Well, I was writing the plot on this one. No, no, we said I was writing the box. I wrote the box. Boys, are you telling me I've got two halves of a porno script with no

fuck stuff. Ah, I guess we are. Yes. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. You know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to call the hallmark channel. What?

Oh, have some dignity. Seriously. How much cum should we use? Hahaha. Quarter cup. Hahaha. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open, of course, on a pumpkin patch and with me screaming, I'd love to get further than the title font before I knew how bad it was just once.

The CGI pumpkin. Yes. Lazy is thing. It's so bad. Oh, I'll give you a pumpkin, pumpkin patch. Oh my thing. It's so bad. Oh, I'll give you a pumpkin, pumpkin patch. Oh my God. It's so rough. It's me. I was like, oh, yeah. That's really, really bad. But then I read in the trivia thing on IMDB and I went back and looked and it's like they had the energy to make three pumpkins. And then they just like flipped them and turned

them sideways and then just put four of them in a clump without even like separating them just on top of each other. Negative sort of pumpkin. Also, we should probably explain we got a beautiful hellscape by accident. The version of this that is on YouTube is for some reason without background music, it's selected moments. So all of our notes at the beginning are just what the fuck is happening because it's the sound is there, but the background music has been cut. I think because that's how they got away with uploading it to you too. So it's just like crunch, swift, squabble. Oh, but a whole Mark movie without like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It's amazing how nightmarish the simplest shit can become when you change the music, but yeah, and I need that to be all hallmark movies from now on. That's our new brand. We just rela first It's got to be a pumpkin and then go So scary

All right, but eventually we cut to the finals of the big bake off now what we've got here is lifelong friends Lydia and Fay are in the finals, but they're not lifelong friends anymore and they're talking shit My notes are just say I've never felt worse for making Noah learn all the characters name. Fuck his Lidian, Fey and Jenny and Pam. I've no guts up to the names of these people. None. Never. And why people? Why?

Why? Yep. That's the movie. There's not a single person of color in this movie, not one. Not even there's like a restraining order. It's like a radius. Oh, now that's it. This movie is post the race war. So this is post race world.

It explains why no one has any good entertainment. Yeah, right, right. They got a settle for the public and pie bake off, which is what we're watching now. And this will be pivotal to the movie. So here's what happened. Fay Arab, Lydia's dad gave her the money to open. Sorry, Fay and Lydia, just I want to repeat that.

Fay and Lydia, then use these characters. Go ahead. No, please sum up this scene without sounding like you're having to sum up your boring wife's drama and pretending to care about it. I know what it Lydia say. Cool, no. It does a snappy, snappy comeback to phase, original point.

Wow, pip. Yep. Yeah, so Lydia's dad has given her the money to open a bakery, but I guess on the condition that Faye is not involved in it, where is that backstory? Yeah. The two of them were going to open a bakery together, but now Lydia's open her own bakery and Faye is going to open a spite bakery right across the street. And look, I'm not saying spite businesses are a bad idea. They're how I make my living, but maybe it doesn't work as well for bakeries as it does for podcasting. I'm just saying. Yeah.

And I love the exchange here. Fay or whoever the fuck says, oh, you're gonna start your own spite bakery? Is that a threat? And then Lydia's like, it's a dare. I'm daring, my cow. Oh, you didn't escalate. That's not an escalation, dare and threat. You didn't do it. And then the other one has to be like,

okay, well, I guess this is war. Because fucked up your line, and title movie has wars in it. It's a war. Pumpkin pie dare shit. Dup. Threat. I need I need more lithium.

Yes. Pumpkin level orange dark 30. Nope. No. And so they declare war on each other and we see the husbands do the like, I guess we can't be friends anymore. I guess not, Reg. And I just want to say Regin Max, the only characters whose names I learned are the gay love story,

this movie needs. Well, eventually, yeah, they're all the way. Oh, yeah, I don't want to spoil it, but it pays off in a pretty big way. Yeah, no, this is a prequel to Grayson Frank. Yeah. The way it pays off is their. Exactly. Spoilers a lot. All right. So then we cut to 10 years later, we're, we are going to start off at phase bakery and we get a little like a montage of bakery shots where everything just looks like lard. It's so gross.

There's the best difference between the three of us on this podcast, because me and Heath are like, ooh, yummy! And Noah's like, this looks disgusting. And then the pour over coffee going with the rack with the things you could do like flights of pour. Oh, yeah. All right. So we see, and Lord, we see Fay, we realize that she has an aged over the past decade,

which is fascinating. And she's walking through her bake right and she looks down and she goes, why that's a dangerous trip wire I have here in my bakery. I sure do need to fix that. Anywho. Is that an abandoned land mine? Get to that unthirst. What exactly? Right. So she goes in the back where her hot adult daughter, KC, I have to put adult in there when I say hot at the beginning, is in the back working on the books. And this is another great example of like, there's no stakes to this movie and they need to establish financial troubles. So she's like, Mom, we've got to cut these expense cup case numbers.

Yeah, we don't just are big on this left. Only chocolate and vanilla cupcakes from now on. No more solid gold cupcakes. We got to cut that from the product line at business school. Warton. Yeah, warden. Where'd you go to business school? Warton.

Warden. Where's that? Is that a part of pens? Warton. Yeah, Warden. Yeah, Warden. Where'd you go to business school? Warden. Warden. Where's that? Warden. Is that a part of Pence? Warden. Technically, I've heard of it. Technically, Ivy League?

Great. So yeah, but we learn here if they get the big hotel account, they'll be good because all those continental breakfasts they'll be bacon. Yeah. Okay. The fuck I hotel, no? Is that a name of the hotel that they have to get? It's quite certain that's what they said. I don't think they said fuck I hotel, no? Is that a name of the hotel that they have to get? I'm quite certain that's what they said.

I don't think they said fuck I feel like I would have remembered if they'd said fuck I hotel, but one, I they said, but I heard fuck I hotel. And maybe it's because the sound editor was just like, fuck you guys. I'm going to pull these things in and out. It's going to sound like fuck I don't know. But yeah, that I didn't know that they were in Ohio at this point, but yes, it's the Buckeye hotel. Oh, okay.

Yeah, though, that looks like. But just in case he's right, we are going to stay there. All right. So we also learned that Fay has lost that pumpkin pie bake off three years in a row to Lydia now. And then she leaves and trips over her abandoned land mine. I was like, I just wrote off camera. Yeah. Yeah. Right. We don't even get to watch the old lady fall down. Pratt Falls are great audio. Just, just Jeffy Chase audio only for his whole career.

Yeah. They go nice. All right. So that night phase recovering from her fall and Casey comes by to check on her, right? So we have the Casey and dad scene where dad explains that now that mom has to be all for a feat for six weeks, she's going to need Casey to step in and do the baking at the big pumpkin pie big. What? They couldn't think of an injury that would affect baking. Yeah, right. They were just like, Uncle, you can't bake on that, Uncle.

What? Java, your hands are something. I don't know. This movie will never be aware of the limitations of physicality. It will be somewhere between people with a broken ankle are bedridden for a year and you're fine walking off. Yeah, right. But it depends on the scene. Yeah. So yeah, scene to scene exactly, right? So Casey realizes she's going to have to do the baking this time. But mom doesn't think Casey is ready for the big bake of God. Dammit. I went to college, y'all. And four point oh, it's war, you know, just fucking relax. That's a business school. If

you don't get a four point oh, business school, you're doing something super dumb. Again, Trump saw my mother. Also, it are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know.

The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know.

The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people who are, I don't know. The people whole like, I don't know how to bake thing. And look, there is definitely a difference between great bakers and good bakers. But if you're a bad baker, you lack basic human skill. Yeah, right. Right. It's just a list of things you're

supposed to do in an order, right? That's bake. I mean, like, I'm not, I'm not saying I'd be an expert at this. And I'm sure real bakers are way better than me, but really a pumpkin pie. Yeah, I can make it. Yep. And to prove that point, it's a little bit later in the movie. She will later look at a 14 step recipe and be like, 14 steps and we at home are supposed to be like, who could even do something with double digit. That's fucking impossible. What else can you put I live in where double digit skill tests were involved. Well, but that's the thing is this movie can't admit any of that. So we have the whole like, you know, the scene with mom where she's like, but can you snatch

this nutmeg from my hand, right? Yeah. We're not only went up to nine. We only did nine times at a time in Wharton. I don't know what's happening. And mom's whole thing here is like, oh, if you don't win this bake off, our business will close and I'll have to start camming.

But like, you've lost three years in a row, mom. And your business is still, oh, the fourth year is the one that's gonna deliver the fatal punch. Maybe you suck it baking and that's what she didn't want to start a bakery with you. No one ever says it, but all the evidence throughout this entire film is that this character's mother is a bad baker and should not bake. And this, this little town they live in, vanilla planes Ohio is insane, apparently. The town is dedicated to nothing but the outcome of Bake Off.

That's the entire thing that this town does. They have like this radical group of pumpkin pie, fanatics and pumpkin pie tourism of the world comes to the planes Ohio. So that is the stakes, but they're huge. These are huge. Also, I would definitely go to that mom's cam thing. Okay. We learned a lot about everyone. Yeah. You didn't find that mom super like wholesome attractive. She had that like round baker

from Ohio face. It was like Angela Lansbury back in the night. Yes. Thank you. Angela Pillock was not setting you up for a positive way. Oh, all right. So now we're going to go check in with Lydia's bakery. I write my notes at this point. This is the white jelly bean of movies, right? Well, and to establish that we're not going to get fucking wild in this, her son is showing

his mac and cheese to which someone is saying, dude, your mum will fucking kill you. Are you crazy mac and cheese? Yeah, but the sun dreams of baking mac and cheese instead of just pies. That's the fucking plot. And the mom is like virulently anti this idea. Yeah, she comes in. She's like, fuck yours. Savory slur word. We take sweet items only. Sweet. Only. And he goes like, but mom, we could have a full service restaurant. I'm like, you have a bakery, right? Like,

you could have it. You could have a water treatment center, but that's a totally different kind of fucking business. Like I'm a monster. What do you, yeah, just go fucking wild, man. Why? Come on, mom, what do you always say? What's the thing you always say? Create something unique. You can play yourself. Something unique for yourself.

That's what you always say. So, you know, actually, as I said it out loud just now, is my catch phrase that we just established literally nonsense? It is nonsense. Okay, yeah, okay, you say it a lot. Well, you know what I say, create something unique. Create something unique for yourself. Uh huh. Also, to keep with the overeducated for the job theme, he also studied at the Cordon Blue and London to learn to bake his mac and cheese. Yep. Where are you going to work? I'm going to be at the. Yep. Where are you going to work? I'm going

to be at the French laundry. Where are you going to work? Oh, I was going to go to Madison. Oh, okay. Where are you going to go? I'm going to vanilla bean hails. Oh, hi, I'll to assist it. My mom's bakery. I don't want to run a house. Baker there. I'll be vice baker and hope someday to inherit the business. Learned this mac and cheese here at the corner on blue. And his exact words, he goes, I didn't study mom at the corner on blue in London. And I was like, and you're sitting right there. You didn't know. No, you didn't. You didn't. Nope. All right. So meanwhile, Casey is Googling baking pies for dummies. This is where we learn that it has 14 steps. Are you getting me?

Yeah. And pro tip, do not Google anything and then amateurs unless you want to. Yeah. Go just throwing that out there. Yeah. Good point. Oh, my algorithm was way different than hers. We stopped she popped up when she searched for that. Yeah. Yeah. Different. I got some good stuff. Yeah. All right. So now we cut to Lydia. Finding out that Bay

is out of the baking competition. And Lydia decides that she, you know, because she can't go up against this girl's daughter, she's going to enter her son who went to the court on blue in London in the county pumpkin pie bakeoff to keep it fair. Who will win the person who can't bake or the person who went to one of the best cooking schools in the world? What stakes we have established. Yeah. It's a lot like Creed II with family feud.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So yeah, so the, and Sam, the son, the character in the goddamn movie seems to be aware of what a dull and unimportant thing we've themed it around, right? Because he's going like, mom, this is a pumpkin pie contest. It would be impossible to stay interested in that for an hour and 34 minutes, even on YouTube, when you can just like pause and leave. And it, but mom is like, no, this is the most important goddamn thing in this town. The paper covers it. It's, it's televised. It's catalogued

at the library of Congress. It's bronzed. You know, apparently, yeah, like this is this how lives and dies by this fucking pumpkin pie bake off. We can get on pie heaven, mother fucker pie heaven, the local cable TV show with Guy Fieri. How dare you? I haven't. I mean, it's not Guy Fieri. It's his brother, but it's not guy is on the Christmas episode every year and that air is right after ours So people that hooked on pie TV and then they they go back through the free Ville fears episode similar Yeah, but so but Sam agrees he'll do the pumpkin pie bakeoff if his mom will consider his not being a bakery anymore business plan, those are the

stakes are the stakes of this. Get ready for us to add that and off a lot. Okay. I like how he used the, it's important to me thing right back in her face though. Mm-hmm. Because she was like, well, it's important to me that we run this bakery the way I want to and we're not doing your thing. And he's like, oh, we're playing with it. It's important to me as an argument. Cool. It's important to

me, the opposite of what you said. Great. Right. Right. Now we're both equal important cancel. So cancels, you never use that anymore. Dumb argument. Let's do what I said. Into the court on blue. All right. So now we cut to the fair where we've got like this cross cut of the mom's telling they're offspring how tough and high stakes this pie contest is going to be, right? Yep. And they run into each other and they have a little banter. Yeah.

It's so good. The two that were walking through the grocery store like the two pairs of feuding families and one feuding mom is telling the daughter like, all right, this isn't a game. You stab that bastard if you have to. You stab him and the other one's like, you stab that bitch if you have a stab in the face in the eye. And then they bump into each other, the two moms in the aisle and they're like, oh, hello,

like Newman and the staring each other. Oh, hello, whore. Hello, whore. I was just telling my daughter to stab your son in the eye. Yeah. What? I'll do they have the horror bags. I'm assuming you know, were you just there? And then from there, we watch people register for a peaking contest. Test me. Oh, but we meet my favorite character of the movie Desperately suicidal HP lovecraftian pie host Hi everybody, you know this shit. It's a fucking baking contest. I am so tired. Please

Free me from my torment Okay, and he ends with this amazing thing he goes remember the best thing to put in a pumpkin pie and then everyone answers is your tea. What that means is bite a pumpkin pie, but I did not get that for way too long. And I was like, hell yeah, hallmark, let's get into this Hellmark channel. Like tenacles start appearing out of the pies. The sun turns black with blood. Also what this means is this entire town has been to this pumpkin pie contest way in event. Yes, yes, yes. The preliminary way and they've been to this like 20 years in a row and they know the catcher's lines from the

announcer guy. Oh, yeah. They're like teeth. Woo. It's me every time. Yeah. They all go down to Florida. They watch training camp.

It's a good time. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. And this is of course where Casey realizes that she has to take on famed chef Sam. So they have their little back and forth in advance of the bake off. Right. And there's this fucking weird moment there where she's like, wait, mom, isn't he a baker? And she's like, you can take him. And she's like, no, he's a baker. And I'm an accountant. And she's like, hallmarked movie, just fucking go

with it. Okay. You just need a montage or two. We're going to Romeo and Juliet this thing. You're going to see what happens. See what happens? Did you read that? Remember what happens? Also, I have a question.

Do you have to wear the entire lens and catalog in order to be in a hallmark movie? Yeah, I was just an option. Okay, you got to make it through the whole thing. Sure do. Yeah. You're gonna need to showcase five or 10 items minimum. Absolutely. I actually found it delightful. I wanted to buy several of the things that he was showcasing. So yeah, so they shit talk for a little while like because because basically she says to her mom, like, yeah, he's a baker. I'm an accountant. Then he shows up and says, but I'm a baker and you're an accountant. And she's like, oh, right, good point. Right. But she's like, actually in Wharton Business School where I went ranked first in the,

here, I'll just hand you the rankings. You can see where it's listed. I've highlighted Wharton. Uh, we learned to think outside the box. So I'm going to think outside the box. And I wanted her so badly to make a postmodern pumpkin. It's a deconstruction of a point. It's just a, it's a butternut squash that she's urinated on in

teens, came to $11 million to make it. These are the tears of an orphan who was given a pumpkin pie. And then we took it away. Here are the tears. So while not shelf, will a raw sugar bitch beat those ideas? Throw the sugar in your eye. There you go.

My pumpkin pie was highlighted in the New Yorker. That's right. Yeah. Nobody got the joke. It's cool. All right. And then we see Casey mixing batter wrong. She doesn't know how to do this at all.

Yeah. And also like the mom comes in, she's like, you're doing that all wrong. And I want her to be like, cool. So do you want to like teach me or should we do baking by process of eliminating? Yeah, like how are we? Right, right.

So yeah, but her, but her response is insane. It's like mom, go home. I will intuit how to mix batter No, she could sit there and tell you what to do Then we go to her buying pumpkins and she doesn't even know what a baking pumpkin is Is that really a thing that like only certain pumpkins can be baked? I feel like I could bake any pumpkin. I'm pretty sure you can but there's gonna be a difference in how They're gonna take smaller pumpkins or baking pumpkins. They're much sweeter, the flesh is much sweeter, and then there's carbon pumpkins, which

are bigger. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm gonna assume they got most of the baking shit right here. I'm even enjoyed this movie more than I'm letting. Okay. I heard a hint of like outrage that you're like, well, there are different there are between those students larger and we don't know ones and they have different

disseminators false information here on our comedy podcast we can have a good time. We don't have a good time without lying about fucking pumpkin. Name is did you make this movie? Yeah, right. Here's what I will say. Hallmark is a channel dedicated to sad white girls, and I am in my core at my heart. The sad white girl.

There's a pumpkin spice latte next to you right now. I guarantee it. It's literally literally an empty peppermint mocha cup directly next to my computer. So at the beginning of this there was. Yeah. All right. So yeah, but then Sam shows up. Well, she's trying to figure out what a baking pumpkin is and they talk shit and I love this shit. Talk so much because they were going for a poker analogy at a certain point, right? And it does not work out well. She says, you might as well fold now.

And each of us, her, and he goes, I never fold. Like that's, I want to, I want to play you in poker. That's super, super dumb. Yeah. Well, and then they have a moment of, I think it's, is it accidental sexual tension? Cause she's like, my talent's lie elsewhere. Yeah.

And he's like, that's a dick sucking thing, right? You mean dick sucking and she's like, no, I mean, accounting and he's like, oh cool, never describe that as talent's lying elsewhere just so you know. Because people will assume you mean. That's been, that phrase is reserved for dick sucking from that. All right.

So now we got a fey and Casey. They're strategizing about the big hotel account when suddenly Casey out of nowhere. It's just like, I can't believe it. Sam doesn't respect my baking skills, right? Right. To which your mom responds, look at me. Look at me. Do not fuck him. I didn't fuck him. What?

Don't. I already fucked him. Right. And this is where she reveals that she took psychological warfare classes at Wharton. Oh my god. What was this? You know, don't worry, mom. I want to go to that class so bad. I know how to get inside the enemy's head. I went to Wharton's psychological Whart Fair classes. It was right after sliding pieces of paper back and forth across the table. Well, I love to that they're using Wharton. Like, I mean, you can't do that anymore. You can't just use Wharton as the,

I'm a smart like, she might as well just go like, mom, I have a business degree from Wharton. Do you think I can get that and still not be smart enough to let my underlings handle the Ukraine bribe without blurting it out on a phone call with a couple dozen career diplomats listening in? Like, it doesn't. You can't. That's true. Let's

true. Once you know, Andrew, that whole I went to Harvard thing, just, you know, so exactly me and Jeffrey Epstein ruined on why you. Yeah, exactly. I'm saying is there's when every college has bad apples or to Stern School of Nope. Jeff Epstein and Eli. Rough. Yeah. Oh, Roll.

All right. So now Casey is practicing making pumpkin bread. Yep. It's not very good. Not not like a full making pumpkin bread competitively practicing just every calm down. Yeah. No, no, no, style down to three. Yeah. So the preliminary for the pie baking contest is a pumpkin bread. Yeah. Which I am unfortunate enough to have thought about and be like, wait, that

makes no fucking sense because it's a pie baking. Yes. One would think the preliminary would be a pumpkin pie. So the preliminary, you just bring a pumpkin pie. Yeah. We grow one in round two is a fencing competition. And then round three is a pumpkin pie contest. We lose a really a lot of good bakers who can't fend for me. Let me tell you. Went to the court on blue and fencing.

Yeah. He's Princeton. So school of fencing, 4.0. And meanwhile, okay, so like, and she's such a bad baker, of course, that she's burning something. Sam happens to walk by and see smoke and he's the male lead. He's the love interest. So he rushes into saver. It doesn't even think about his own safety.

Right. And there's this great moment is this character runs in and there's like a faint mist of smoke above them. And she's like, what are you doing, man? And he was like, I was going to lift a flaming beam off. Did you bring that baby and with you to make it a better hero thing? No, is that a puppy behind your back? No. You hold this baby and puppy. What? Macarie. So, yeah, so they have a chat and this is where like, you know, we can start to get their love interest to blossom. This is where he like opens up and tells her about the restaurant he wants to open. And he describes it and it's a Denny's, right? Like when he's describing it, everything that he says, it's in perfectly with the Denny's.

Oh, even the Denny's though, Denny's is like a clicker to above this in terms of like the level of casual rescue. Yeah, he's describing a counter that they already have. And he's like, you know what I was thinking to do. And this is my live dream. You know, I went to the court. I'm blue. I was going to put a table. Awesome. You know what I was thinking?

Because you know what people love? Communal tables. That's his big dream is communal tables. Because who doesn't like being sit next to total strangers and going, oh, good. I hope you don't have a cold. Fuck community tables gross and also family style service. Let's all share the food. A little bit of everything.

We'll share it all work out great. He'll get the amount of exactly what he wants. It always goes well. Yeah, we'll split these fucking fries. Yes. But again, you have to remember that communal tables and family style, this is the white girl dream. Yes.

And there's seven women's rooms and only one men's room. I don't know why I'm going to dedicate so much space, but yeah, seven women's rooms. So no one ever has to wait. And he's going like, you know, I have all these plans, but boy, if only I had someone with a business degree from Wharton to help me with my business plans, then, you know, there could be some kind of a quid pro quo that could really jump start this plot. Let me tell you what I learned at Wharton. In fact, this is the most important what I learned at Wharton. In fact, this is the most important

thing I learned at Wharton. It's the difference between an idea and a plan, which is, oh, I see both four letter words. Hold on, I don't remember. That's the most important thing you learned at this Ivy League education you got. The difference between those two words. Also, I wasn't really paying a lot of attention during the scene because in the background of this scene, I don't know if you guys saw this in my notes, there's a lady in the window who looks at the camera and waves. Oh no, I did not know what it's.

It's pretty great. You guys doing the pumpkin pot? Oh no, this is the movie. This is the movie. I don't know what's tomorrow. You're all tomorrow. I'll call. I'm back.

I'm sorry. All right, so but then they ultimately though they had your plan where Casey is going to help Sam with his business proposal and Sam is going to teach Casey how to bake and advance in the big bake off. Yeah. Yep. Are the stakes of this. Are the stakes of this movement. Yes.

Warton plus Cordon blue equals take over the work. Exactly. Oh, it's very exciting. It's very exciting. All right. So now we cut to applauding their surreptitious baking lessons over the phone. This is also where we meet Casey's big sister, the high- to turn. Hello, you are my sister. You are a lawyer. Yes.

I am your sister and I am a lawyer. Excellent. This is Betty. She will matter later. Can you name a law school? I cannot. We used up our Wharton damn damn. Also, I just want to say as they introduce Betty, Betty's like, you know, now that neither of you are entering, maybe I, and they're like, shut the fuck up Betty, you mediocre shrew and she's like, oh, okay. I wanted Betty to just deliver the, I wish it was like when we were in elementary school from Mean Girls.

But so another thing, big thing that we learned here in this scene is that, you know, the Fay and Lydia baking feud has torn this goddamn town apart, right? Like everyone in this city is invested in their bakery feud. Mm-hmm. Also, this is the first, but not last time that Casey makes reference to that job offer she had at that big company in New York and corporate it. Oh God, it's so dark and sad. Just like, yeah, could have worked at Quiznos.

Maybe you heard of it. They were the first to toast to Sanwich because I went to Wharton. I went to Wharton. I went to Wharton. It went to Wharton. Yeah. It's traded on the Pennsylvania stock exchange. My business degree, it was going to mean I was going to be cashier right away. Didn't even have to work my way up. Yeah.

But I didn't because that's my backstory. All right. So now Sam is going to teach her to bake after dark. And the cut here. Oh god. So aggressive. I thought the movie almost tipped over on the top of the trip and fell. And he's gonna get her to relate to baking by telling her that cooking is like an equation.

You follow the steps, the steps like an equation. That's not what equation means. It's pretty simple. I mean, I figured you would have learned it, Wharton, what equation means before I DN plan as a distinction. No, equation is not a sequential list. No, in any sense. To which she responds, well, easy for you to say, you were the star quarterback and now you're a baker. You know, that old story. Yeah. And he does that stupid.

I became a chef because sometimes all you need is a plate of cookies and I wrote my notes almost never. That's almost never all I need has been a plate of cookies. I could use a plate. Yeah, but it's not what you need. It's not all you need. I'd be pretty good. Yeah, I know he would probably go longer on most than just a play the cookies.

Yeah. Also, I wrote my notes here at one point. Sam, you're mixing your batter such that the bread will be lumpy. Are the stakes of this movie. I have like, it's like basically just a suffix in my notes at this point. But yeah, no, he, but at this point, he has to do the man's planie romantic reached out her arm and show her exactly how to spoon that fucking dough out, you know, kind of thing. And look, I know this is a movie trope, but just once in all of cinema,

I want one woman who has this done to her to go, oh, move my arm in a circle. I didn't know until you hugged me from behind. See, I wanted this. I wanted this to go the other way to you, like late, like, because the next day we're gonna have her helping him with his business plan. And I wanted her to be doing that while he's entering shit into Excel.

No, you pressed the space bar like this. Sommation. Sommation. Sommate. Okay. Okay. I got it. No, I got it. Summation. Summation. Summate. Okay. Okay. I got it. No, I got it. I pressed it. Let me show you how to wrap the text. Don't.

I mean, okay, I do need to know how to wrap the text. I'm gonna say it when you're... Data filters. Yeah. So, I guess now that the seeds of their love have been planted, we'll let them germinate over a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into even more pumpkin pie wars. Hello everyone, welcome to Wharton College School of Business, Psychological Warfare 101.

First of all, everybody sitting in the back, you've all failed. What? That's not fair. Well, okay, you two, that was actually a test for fighting back, you two get an A. Good work. We do? Awesome. Pocket sand. Ow!

Ow! My eyes! Warton bitches. Part of the Ivy League, technically. Technically. And we're back for more of this shit. What are the Ivy League technically technically? Yeah, we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna open on the day of the big meeting with the hotel But we're not gonna get to that quite yet. We're gonna build the suspense on that a little bit longer

First case he has to stop off and see your dad for a little pep talk Yes, I'm off to play golf not to have gay sex. Just in case you're wondering. That's what I am doing. Something about scones. What you're doing. These are golfing scones. I'm not going to fuck this scone for this scone. What? And then after spending, I don't know, 30, 40% of the movie up to this point, setting up

this big meeting, we cut to her walking out of it. Yep. Which means that they try, in my imagination, it means that they tried and failed to write an actual business pitch scene and that they just gave up. Well, they didn't have a degree from Wharton, you see. Where's that cutting room floor where she's just like, hello, so you'll notice we have crackers and bread. you guys know ideas plans

No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I was in done Please hire us for your fuck. I hotel She throws a pumpkin at their face and runs out of But yeah, so now that we fast forwarded through all of that, we cut to the next syrup dishes meeting between Casey and Sam. But damn it. If her sister doesn't show up just before Sam's going to be there. Oh, no. And like they tried to have that moment, right? They tried to have that like comedic. Oh, he's showing up right when she's there, but how it plays out is Sam notices her and then just walks away until she's left. And she turns to her sister and goes, was that Sam and her sister goes, I don't

know. And the scene and the scene, this movie will set up all the stakes of other movies and then be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that dial is dangerously close to a two guy. How about instead she just says, no, and then it's all fine. Sure. Yeah, let's do that. They just find a local college freshman who's gone through a breakup. Okay, what if the sister walks into the, she's crying, she's crying. Okay, she can't walk all the way into the bakery. There you go.

Look at all the fall hats. Like those fall hats. You're the saddest you'll ever be. You want a car coat from LL being? I do want a car coat. So I feel stupid when I go in the car with my recurrent coat. It's like totally un-themed. We want to post a picture of an Instagram on sunset. Did it?

All right. So now they're going to work on the business plan together. And they're going to have the, you know, if I can only meet the right guy, if I can only meet the right gal conversation. Tiny note, when he comes back in, she's like, oh, sorry about that. And he goes, that's okay. I had to catch up on my window shopping. I am 100% sure whoever wrote that line does not know what that means. Yeah, he thinks it means buying windows.

Absolutely no question. Yep. And this is where she goes over the business plan, which turns out to be an Excel spreadsheet budget. Yep, that's it. Yeah. As you can see, I have listed a number of things that I've been doing. the business plan, which turns out to be an Excel spreadsheet budget? Yep, that's it. Yeah.

As you can see, I have listed almost a dozen items on the budget, business plan, a cheat. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, in case you're just wondering how cliche this fucking movie is, at a certain point in this scene, she falls off a goddamn ladder and he catches her. But they don't do it right? No, they don't even do the like all the way. She just falls, she like stumbles slightly

and he double cups her ass and they're like there. Yeah, we get it. And this is where I had this insane moment where I was like, the Hallmark channel does incredibly well, right? Is this what women want? Because the numbers say that this and Twilight and 50 shades of gray and the Hunger Games is what women want.

And I don't know where those then diagrams intersect. The Hallmark version, they don't even want to actually fall off the line. They just want to be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you're good. I okay, you should I stumbled slightly and I hugged you. Yeah, I said, I said, oh, oh, oh, and that's it. Should I climb up there and brush your cheek? I'll climb up there. I'll climb up there. You stay. No, we're good. All right, so now we're at the fair. It is time for the preliminary round battle pumpkin bread. Oh

shit And they're so they're walking it and they're playing it up right because the entire crowd of course is invested entirely in Lydia and phase Bakery feud so they're playing it up and pretending to hate each other for the crowd. Oh, I wanted one of them to take it too far And just like, you know what, Sam? You're a rapist. What? I mean, you're fucked a child in Thailand.

What? That you hunted. Well, you're... I said you're a real Mimi. So... Wait, what? So now the entire sad ass town has gathered to watch people big, Mimi me so that way why So now the entire sad ass town has gathered to watch people big big bread and this is where we learned that This is just the 10 a.m. Group

Yep There's a multi-clad. There's a fucking Shark with status a winner take all this is wild card seed. Yeah, no, there are 12 competitors. So there are four hour long rounds of people baking bread that this audience is going to sit through in silence. Oh, I love it. I want to see the tournament seating meeting to figure this out, right? Yeah, right. Because they really had to engineer that too.

Like they're there. I mean, like, no, no, no, no, no, Because they really had to engineer that too. Like they're there. They're there. I mean, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we are the two of us mortal enemies. We need to meet in the finals, but also be in every round together. Does that make sense for a tournament? Yeah. Great. And we meet suicidal judge here again for a brief moment.

He's like, all right, everybody. More baking. Masterbed it to my daughter's class photo this morning. again for a brief moment. He's like, all right, everybody, more baking, masturbated to my daughter's class photo this morning, just to feel evil because evil is something. Nothing? All right, pumpkin bread. I'll see you guys in an hour. And then we have another one of these.

The music has been removed, mantis. Oh my, yes, I need so much. It's just the deafening silence, except for the cracking of eggs and the dead faces of the judges. This belongs in the fucking MoMA. The soundtrack of this movie in Robert Maplethorpe, just as a band.

Yep. Also, we get commentary here. He's like, she's making pumpkin bread. Pumpkin bread. Also pumpkin bread. Good job, Gail. Sorry, your husband died in that motorcycle accident. There's a moment at the end of each of these rounds where each contestant has to name the thing they made. And they each have to, they try to name it differently, but this round they're just

like pumpkin bread. I also made pumpkin. In order to differentiate it, they started explaining it by temperature. My pumpkin bread has been cooled. My pumpkin bread is warm and the audience just give a shit They are cheering wildly for the pumpkin bread. Oh, I knew one of them was gonna go for ice cold pumpkin bread this year I told you Jeff. I fucking told you and fantasy pumpkin pie contest last year How does the first one make pumpkin bread that doesn't cool? How would you do that? Uncooled. So it's amazing. All right.

So we've got the, you know, salmon, Casey chatting, post bakery or post baking. Oh, we get fey and Lydia running into each other again. Oh, that's always going to be rough. And like this, it literally like Lydia goes to punch the old lady on the crutches at one point and has to be held back in this scene. Yep. And I just want to say that if they had just had a fall on fist fight, this would be my favorite. Okay. And then we cut I don't even fucking know. We cut to Sam and Casey

having a romantic picnic in a median before they announced the winners. Oh my God. Is this romance romance in the middle of the briar package? That this guy hollowed out a clearing to have a secret kettle corn date. Yes, exactly. Is that a thing? Kettle corn? Picknicks. Well, when you're at a fair, are you making it? And when you are aiming for white women, Kettle corn date is the fucking mad limbs that hits the gold. Well, especially if you add picnic, yeah, exactly, exactly. It's like they just throw darts at white girl words, right? They're like, all right, let's see pumpkin spice sweaters. That's what they do in this next thing. Great. All right. I like that stuff. Yeah. So I'm wearing a sweater right now.

All right, so the judges are about to announce the finalist though. So they run out and learn up their fate. Now the first finalist is Sam. Hey, the next finalist is Sam. Hey, the next finalist is Betty, because she's the only other character that we know in the movie other than Sam and they see the Senate in the movie. And the final finalist, I know there were only two last time, but there are three this time for some reason is Casey, of course, because otherwise there wouldn't be a movie here. And let's just throw this out there that if the quote unquote turn of this movie doesn't happen, the end of this movie is just Betty in the center of these two and a pumpkin

pie. You'd be like, I feel like there's not a lot of stakes. Um, if I don't participate, I feel like this is your thing. And I'm the third one out. Who's team Betty? Anybody? No one cares about Betty? Well, at this point, I was thinking, I'm writing in my notes, like, oh, wow, what a

crazy twist it'll be when Betty wins it all. And they realized that their feud was was, you know, counterproductive or whatever, but no, this movie is just going to dig in on the fuck Betty thing, right? Yeah, it would have been great if they lost a Betty and the whole feud the whole time was like, who's the second worst and worst bakery in? But yeah, so, but now like people at the fair are seeing them not be enemies. So that's, you know, that's dangerous. They might cover They also compare their stakes for a moment. She's like he's like, yeah, I mean if I don't win my mom might not consider my business plan

She's like, okay, well if I don't win my business goes out of business. So Hey, can I win? We're friends. Can I win? Yeah, seems like I know Brainer here. I'll suck your dick if you let me win. How about that? How about you let me win and I suck your dick.

Everybody wins. Hallmark channel. And let's be clear, if that had been how this movie ended, it would be my favorite movie. Yeah, right. And I would change its title legally to I'll suck your dick if you let me win. If that had been how this movie ended, it would be my favorite movie. Yeah, right. And I would change its title legally to all fuck your dick if you let me win. Nope opposite.

It's the opposite of whatever that is. However, the Antenim of what Eli said would look, that's what they did. It's so fucking boring. It's so boring, I honestly, so this is a TV movie. This was on the Hallmark channel like three years ago during their autumn harvest thing, festival, taxilier lineup, whatever. And the cuts between scenes, a bunch of them are very clearly like, oh, we're about to cut to a commercial. And I actually spent a bunch of time being like, oh, I wonder what the commercials from

2016 would have been. I looked up commercials because it was. Sure. Sure. By the way, the Antenim of I'll stock your deck if you let me win is you have to eat my ass if you lose just for. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, he, he, I looked it up as he was. Uh, you should look up the difference between idea and plan. That bad boys off the dome. All right. So, yeah. So they ultimately decide that they need to continue with debaking lessons and the business plan lessons because there are still 37 minutes left in this in this movie. Wow. Really?

Hallmark wanted 90 minutes from us this time. Yeah. Should have checked that before you wrote act two to be fair. So yes. So Casey returns to the bakery ahead of a triumphal procession, right? They, uh, they cheer her as she, the finalist in the pumpkin pie contest comes back. Uh-huh. And this is again, people have seen them talking to each other. So her mom is gonna try and get her to date Betty's son, Jake.

Yeah, sure. But again, like all things in movies where there would be stakes, this movie is just like, oh, I'm not interested. And they're like, well, we respect that. Obviously, if you don't have to, you don't have to. All right, way we could work him into the plot. Nope.

All right. Well, I wanted the camera to pan over to Jake holding flowers just. Oh. Then we get a scene where Casey pops in on dad because we have to remind you that he's part of this movie. Yeah. And the only point of the scene is that he warns her not to go rogue on her mother's pumpkin pie.

Yes. So you know how she gets. Anyways, I'm proud of you for making it to the pie finals. Hey, do you want to kill ourselves? I just heard that. Yeah, fine. You want a sad fucking life, say we eat. No, I would like to be not.

If we're going to be pumpkin pie finals proud, let's not be instead. What do you say? Huh? Stand behind daddy. Save a bullet. It's the best thing to put teeth. No bullet. Got it. Well, and then okay. So once again, we have this nearly stakes, but not really moment, right? Because she's supposed to be meeting with, say I'm again, at the bakery for more of these surreptitious illicit lessons, you know, and the mom and the sister are like, honey, you've been working so hard. We'll close up the bakery for you tonight, but he's supposed to meet her there.

And she's like, oh, no. And she then she texted. She's like, can we just do this over at your place instead? And he's like, yep, sure can. And we go. And that's that's how they resolve that. Something was going to go a little bit crazy, but that no, it's fine. We'll do it in a different building.

There might have been momentary shenanigans, but don't worry, this movie avoids them. We have squashed the tension. You're welcome. So we cut to them making the business plan and her five year plan is for him to have 10% growth every year. And she says she describes that as conservative. You know how local bakeries kind of, you know, it's like compound interest. Basically, you just keep making a bunch of fucking money in a local bakery year over year, just 10% over and over and over and over. You know how bakeries, profits, double every 10 years. And he's like plugging this into as if this would be information for spreadsheet.

He's like, oh, 10% every year and spreadsheet. I'm going to be a movie in here. Some of these things crazy. Wharton. There's also this one to say it again. So now we're trying to get like some sexual tension going right. So he starts talking about how her eyes sparkle when she talks about spread sheets. Oh, man.

You really get wet from entering formulas. Don't you? I do. I do. I'm soaked right now. Okay. All right. You guys are making fun.

I feel like this is some people are into. Well, that's okay. Because he's going to talk about what makes him way. Cause he's like, yeah, you have no idea how delicious this goat cheese egg is going to be. So what I'm saying is a lot of people were hit perfectly by like spreadsheets and mac and cheese. And that's two of their favorite things that are sexual to them. Yeah. And you had your thing about pumpkins earlier. And I don't see why we had to judge me now.

But then her pie crust things and breaks all the sexual tension. Oh no, she didn't do the the by-crossed, right? And okay, so here's the moment where this movie really reveals itself to be the unfinished porn that it meant It was meant to be because he goes like all right. Well, I'll tell you what if you can't get that pie crust Right, I'll just have to stay up all night helping you with it

And so they do they spend a night together trying to get like we see them leaving the bakery. It's daytime now Yep, they literally stayed up all night, not fucking. Yeah. I want to, I want to learn to be like, wow, that was, um, boring. That was boring. I don't think that needed all night. Yeah, that was not a, I feel like we could have gotten that in two or three more tries. So the fact that we presumably took 12 hours to do this is baffling to me.

I feel personally attacked by this relatable contest. He had the like, Bach line to where he was like, trying to kiss her sort of and he's like, sometimes exactly what you want is right in front of you. Like my mac and cheese and then he's like, yeah. So yeah. So they kept each other all up all night in the least entertaining way possible. Now it's morning. They walk out and he's like, wow, I've got to get started in the morning bakery.

But like, but we can tell where the sun is in relation to them. It's after 11 a.m. right? Yeah. Oh man, those first customers who dropped by at 230 in the end. They're gonna want their donuts. This is where they run into their dad. Yes. Uh-huh. Who are definitely not fucking. No, they were not gay fucking just now. Oh, yeah. no, we've been secret golf partners. Just what I was part of golf partners. Just like he said, yeah, we're not. Let me tell you two people meeting bright and early in the morning in secret. We are golfing.

Why don't you have any golf clubs because that's a great question. They are asking what fucking each other, that's right, the golf clubs are okay and afraid to talk about it because we're part of a different generation. And sometimes the golf clubs just say, let's run away, right? Let's go to a part of the world

where no one knows us and live our truth. But then Max's golf clubs are like, no, the kids aren't out of college. That's it. Anyways, we won't tell your secret if you don't tell ours. I love that one because I wanted so bad after he said that for dad to just like cut his bomb with a knife and hold it out to him or something, but he does it. They just, yeah, they agree to keep each other's secrets. No one will tell anyone who anyone's fucking.

Okay. secrets. No one will tell anyone who anyone's fucking. Okay, so now we're back at phase bakery and she's getting pretty antsy about the big hotel account, right? Well, with them on the verge of going out of business, thinking maybe there's too damn many bakeries in this town already and invisible hand taking care of some mirror, but no. This is the I have to win. I don't want to be a baker forever fight. And I wanted her so badly to be like, I don't want your pie. Yeah. But yeah, and then there's this bizarre moment.

Who the hell even knows why this would happen in the movie? Where I like to mom's like, well, you know, my ankle's feeling much better. I can probably help you on your pie. And Casey is like, no, I need to do this on my own. Damn it. If you help me with my pie recipe, I quit. I'd say, well, that escalated. I don't know why. Well, don't worry. If there were stakes, they are gone now. Yeah. My answer is fine. Right. Right. All right. So anyway, so now she's closing up her bakery at 4 p.m. this time when Sam happens by. Hey, did you get my texts?

No. Anyone who says that is lying, just throwing that out there. Everyone who ever says they didn't get your texts is lying or was in the mountains. Were they in the mountains? No, then they are lying. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes people, I don't look at my phone every hour of every waking my, my,

I sometimes have it in a different, I don't always look at my phone. That's right. That's right. Sometimes people intentionally haven't seen your texts. Yeah. Sometimes people avoid their phone. Yeah. On the off-shand face,

the effects distracting to be constantly getting noises from your phone, whether it's texts or other stuff alert. All right. All right. But Heath, how do you know where to get a deal on CBD gum? He's, if you don't check every text. All right. But yes. So Sam has a big lead on his, on his restaurant dream. But's too upset about the argument, I guess, that she had with her mom to celebrate with him properly. So he takes her to dinner, right?

Oh, hey, I would love to hear about your flight with your mother over dinner because I am a fictional man in a hallmark movie. Tell me what she said. Tell me what you said. Let me react to every exchange. Yes. I am written down. Well, it also asks is she because he's like, I've decided to take you to a nice romantic dinner at the gazebo at the fair that's closed overnight. And she's like, well, you know what? I'm a written down homework character. So I'm okay with that.

Yeah. I'm eating outside in the fall. I'm not cold. In Ohio, no, what else? Let's each put on our gazebo coats for Anneli and head out together. That sounds delightful. Look at these moccasins that I got. They have rubber on the bottom.

They're perfect for long walks to the gazebo or the pile of wood for the fire. Delightful. You walk away from the gazebo. There's so many uses. And what did they like stop and pick up chick filet on the way? Like there's not food there. They weren't being served.

No, someone from crafty like sliced up an apple and put it in front of them. And they were like yummy dinner yummy Like plastic toy food like you do it your nieces fucking tea party or whatever Yeah, and they have this amazing moment where he's like I have a suggestion and I was like if this guy's just like Let's fuck I will forgive this movie, but no, he wants them to keep being friends, friends, friendship. Yeah, he's like, if there was any zone I was aiming for, really. Yeah.

And then, you know, they have their whole like, boy, neither of us are very happy in our lives. We shouldn't be doing this for a living. And then he goes like, well, you have to admit, you're the female lead, I'm the male lead. This is the home art channel. We should probably kiss. It's pretty much the end of act two, isn't it? And I mean, he is a beautiful man. She's a beautiful man. Yeah. I want to buy like MLM

shampoo from this guy. Yeah. So nice. It's just nice. Yeah, right. He's the guy that your grandma very clearly wants to fuck, but you're okay with that. Right. Because you're just getting one for grandma. Yeah. No, this was, I would say the least awkward kiss in Gam history possibly by the couple I would most like to actually watch fuck in Gam history. Yeah.

And I'm telling you that the hallmark porn hub crossover is an untapped marketplace. Think about it. You have porn stars, make a hallmark movie. $19.99. Since later, you get to watch all those characters. Fuck. I am in. Oh, all right. All right. No, I like your idea. Though this is what I'm saying. Yeah. They go, they go into some porn here, though. Not, but not visual porn, but talking the porn of the hallmark channel. If you were at the, at one point, he actually says, you have definitely proven your worth

to your mother. And then you're the camera viewer of the hallmark channel. Yes, you have master bait to that. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we have some business plans to drop. Don't worry. We got it. We know a guy who went to Wharton.

So we're going to take a quick break, but let me give Ack three the hard self. Will they be able to bake pumpkin pies well enough? Will they be able to mix the ingredients thoroughly enough to not make it lumpy? Can Noah come up with a third question on this shoestring of a plot in time? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the as my sole benefactor. Nobody. No takers. Fine. Well, it's finals. And this year, Stacey Schmidt is going to be facing off against Pam Maloney. Pam, I've got a pie are you making this year? Well, I'm in fucking fascinating. Great. What about you, Stacey? Pumpkin. Well, I made also pumpkin fucking nail-biter

I can tell all right well everyone here is gonna watch two women bake a fucking pie So I'm gonna go in the back and hope to do enough meth to give me the courage to end it all And has pecans nobody cares nobody ever Mine has moca whipped cream. I will swear on my daughter's grave. I will take you both with me.

You wanna do some nitrous? Yes. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna open this time on Casey and her sister at the park where Casey is breaking the I'm fucking Sam Harper news. Nope. That's it.

And she basically just names the plot. She's like, Sam, the bakery, I have to make an entire pie. I have mom. My life is spiraling out of control. This is, I feel like I'm at a four. I'm at a four. One could say this reaches the five, well, it doesn't reach five, but it almost, it's a four change.

Yeah. At one point, she says things are tight right now, and I wanted her sister to be like, less so thanks to Sam Harper, am I right? Tell me when to stop. Tell me when to stop. You're not stopping me. But you're not stopping me. You're lying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The hotel apparently called and told them they could go fuck themselves with their pumpkin scouts. Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but the stakes of this movie have expired. And we were in charge of it, which is really crazy.

We didn't have to do this. Still have been stakes in this movie, but this one had to be put down. It's all the hotels called the Hallmark channel and we lost information to use the word. Hotels. Anyways, murder suicide. It's the only way. Come on.

Yeah. Oh, God. Like if they had walked in on the next scene, mom's just hanging their swinging back and forth or some shit or whatever, this movie would make so much more sense. Cause yeah, mom's like, yep, the bakery's gonna close down. I have some stuff to do in the garage. I'll be back.

Oh, I'll be back. Also, there's the great moment where dad offers to not golf. Maybe he's like, hey, do you want me to not golf? Cause your business is closing down. Well, I think, okay, bye. I'm running for a fucking guy. He's so concerned that he almost doesn't just leave and go play

go. But he does. Because this movie is made for a hallmark viewer and the best boomer dad they can think of is a dad who almost doesn't go and play go. Right. By the way, by the way, they're sitting in this bakery as this is all happening. That bakery is goddamn fucking hopping. If you can't make a profit of that many customers in your bakery, then that's really on you. Less meth, right? Jesus, or more meth. But yeah, one or the other, right.

So Kasey. Medium amounts of meth are the problem. That's what a lot of people fail in their business because of medium amounts of meth. Well, yeah, but Casey sure feels like a failure. But if, man, if she could win that pumpkin pie contest, she could turn it all around. Oh, so there's, this is the actual line, right? The mom's like, Oh, honey, you don't have to keep doing that contest. As though there are some other plot that we could shift to or whatever. And the actual line from KC is, no, I started this thing and now I'm gonna finish it. I wanted to

cut to her like arming up like John Wickers. Yeah, but it's spatula. Also, this is where she's like, okay, here's my recipe for pumpkin pie. You ready? Pumpkin, sugar and milk. Oh, wait, that's all the fucking recipes. All right, so now, okay, this is a super important scene. We have Casey baking when Betty stops by for a muffin and has to go back to the bathroom from mysterious reasons. Is she gonna shoot a shoot heroin? Is she gonna die while masturbating? We don't know. We don't know. She's mysterious. I love how she walks it. She's like, yeah, so just a normal hello. Hi. So I was like, are you okay? You're being weird. I need to shit now that I've said a low normally. Hello. So I was like, okay, that's, yeah, no no, that's normal Betty. She needs to shit now. She knows it's shit now. That's fair. Go ahead

Classic Betty she comes in for her normal low and her 45 minutes shit It's knocking on the door. I'm in there too late. Be due. No, no, hello to you. That's true. The door. So meanwhile, we have Sam giving his presentation to the investors and they love his business plan. But is it outside the box enough? They're like, you made fucking pretzels for us, man. Pretzels,

you went to the court on blue. The thing you came up with for this restaurant group meeting where you would impress us was pretzels. Okay. But imagine if you were sharing those pretzels with stranger. Also, this is where they repeat that fake thing about 90% of restaurants failing in their first year. And just one time when people quote that fake fact, I want of restaurants failing in their first year. And just one time when people quote that fake fact, I want them to cut to like just restaurants closing overnight,

people lose it. Oh my God. People walking in the restaurant closed halfway through your reservation. I'm sorry. I just I fell straight through the floor. We just walked in and we felt that. I don't know what happened. It was crazy. You know what they say? 89% of restaurants don't have floors. All right, so, uh, but yeah, but he says to the investors, he's like, hey, you know, uh, what if I went on pie heaven, you know, guy, theory's little brother and they're like, we know it. Oh, fuck yeah. We would go to the money. We would go and rob fucking banks to give you money if you were on pie heaven. He's like, okay, cool.

Good to know. Good to know. And then we have one scene of Betty backing slowly out of the store. And again, like this is going to pay off, but you guys thought that Betty clogged the toilet, right? Right. I wrote in my nose like we all know what it means

when you're that eager to leave the building after you use the bathroom We're friends with you Sorry, I got to go I did not call your toilet. There was a guy there before me. Uh his name was Hammer's Scone Mr. Scone Normal goodbye bathroom experience went great. Bye

All right, so now Sam in case you're chatting about the same goddamn thing as every scene they've had together But in a different park this time Right Sam. So hey, how's the plot coming along? So fall huh? Yeah, right lock days It's sweaters. How much time is left in the movie? Seriously, they were just like, all right, what's the widest scene we could possibly fucking do that we haven't already done? And they were like, well, all right, all right, white people, I mean, the Zibo Coates from

LL Bean, right? Yeah, yeah. Pumpkin Spice Latte is small town in Ohio foliage. Did we do the foliage? Right, we didn't know who's in the foliage. And the gloves that have the mitten tops on them but are still fingerless gloves, we do the hat. Yeah, and that.

Yeah, you can actually still swipe on your smartphone with those. Yeah, you can. So they sit there talking about how wild it is that this pumpkin pie contest has made such an interesting framework for an entire movie. And then they have the same. That a Confederate statue. Let's protect it. Yeah, that's a looping. Can we take a picture in front of it for Instagram? I do,

but let's put it only on our story, not on our actual Instagram. Yes! Let's plank it. You want to plank it? Oh, yeah, let's meme it up. Plankin. I'm just like sponge Bob. All right. So now we're back at the fair. All the kiddos are carving pumpkins and Sam and Casey are making fuck me eyes at each other. Right. And that's the whole scene. By the way, our sister's like, it's very obvious that you two are fucking when you look at each other. And she's like, is it? Oh, wow. Okay. All right. But again, this almost said, subtention.

She's like, hey, people can tell when we make fuck me eyes at each other and he's like, why don't we tell people about our relationship? And she's like, oh, yeah, let's just do that. We'll tell people about our relationship because we're not the fucking Montacues and the Capulets. So we can just fucking do that. Tibble's not gonna come stab you in the fucking tick. Yes, the just our friends. So we're fucking. So now she's gonna sneak around behind the tilt of world to give

Sam a hand job, I guess. I don't know. I wish. Unfortunately, they just do a weird closed mouth peck. Yeah, but gossipy Betty sees the two of them with that, uh, that, uh, closed mouth peck. And she's such a gossip. Now the whole town will know fucking Betty. Yeah. So, all right. So now, I guess we've pulled the trigger here as this movie would have it.

And now mom knows about Casey and Sam and mom knows about Sam and Casey and each of them must face their mother's wrath. Right. And it is medium. It really is. It's like, oh, I'm mad at you for a bit. Me too. But not like really mad. Like we'll still drive home and we'll stop off it chick-fil-a. Not like we kicked your little brother out of the house for being gay, man. But like, you know, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed. Exactly. Exactly. You get no new gazebo shirt for winter. He is obviously fucking you to sabotage your pie, though, for the guy just wants

you to know. Yeah. Yeah. No, that is that is fucking phase theory of the case. Yeah. And also Lydia's pretty sure she's only fucking him to distract him from his cinnamon strutal crust, right? Both of Jesus Christ these fucking people, which means that because these people have been feuding for years, which means that fuck plots have at least been part of the game plan at some point. Right. Right. One of them has fucked someone to get in on of the game plan at some point. Right. Right. One of them has fucked someone to get in on the other one strutal crust. Yes.

But then we have the moment where like Sam is talking to his mom and Casey sister over hears what sounds like him saying that he was only fucking or to win the contest. The plot thickens. And then immediately things again, because she's like, Hey, is that what happened? And he's like, no, and she's in she's like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, yeah, right. We have the fucking plot machinations on fully automatic because immediately after that, we cut to Casey talking to our sister about that and clearing up this misunderstanding. Uh-huh.

And then immediately after she clears up the misunderstanding, the television puts in a plot twist because they've accidentally solved the movie. Yeah, right, right. She goes like, look, you don't need to go see Sam and clear this up. There are only 15 minutes left in the movie. We injected the wedge way too late. So she goes to the and even then she's there like, do you have any idea where he might be? And she's like, we have not established a place where he goes, no. So I'm just going to say the name of a bar. He might be at my bakery doing business baking lessons with me. No. He's been in zero other locations. So he's

Oh Irish is watching sports. And that's as specific as we're legally allowed to be. Maybe I'll go to the grocery store and not know how to pick a spice. Yeah, exactly. So so they go to the he goes to the bar and he goes like, yeah, no, that's you misunderstood. Your sister probably should realize that when you only hear a snippet of a conversation, you really don't understand the nuance. And she's like, right, right. But if we resolve this now, there will be no ending, right?

Like this, we still have to, like the credits aren't for 15 minutes. No one, no one wanted to be in the credits. So we're going to resolve it now anyway. There was a pause. And then he would have said something, but he didn't. And it's all fine. There's no, there's no tension. No, no, no, it's so in the, okay. And now they have to, like you say, yeah, they have to inject a plot twist here because they've just solved the fucking movie. So the bartender turns to the two of them and says, Hey, why are you two on the local news? But they aren't. They are not like this is this is their fucking movie.

They could have put the two of them, but they're not. It's Betty on the local news. What? What is that? A plot twist on the TV? Yeah, right, right. He's like, why are you two on the local news and why are you a single overweight elderly white woman?

What? Oh, I thought he said why aren't you on the local news? Cause he saw Betty on there. Oh, and he's so dialed into the goddamn contested because that's what this town lives and dies. Okay, all right, dude. Dude, Betty's doing a fucking eight mile on you guys right now. She's got your recipe and she's announcing it ahead.

So now you can't do it because it's out there and it's clear that you'd be copying her. So there you go. Yes. Would you like another milkshake glass of beer that I've served you? Did you see that? It was in one of those like like swirly, like footed clearly, a milkshake that like with like extra beer and a metal tin on the side. To be fair, the swizzle straw was a weird choice.

The swizzle straw was a weird choice. And he also drank some beer without ever drinking it during this conversation. Yeah. Beer goes down like four, five sips. But yeah, Betty has stole the pumpkin silk chiffon pie recipe from Casey and she stole the ginger snap strucel cross idea from Sam. So now they must unite to take Betty the fuck down. And let's be clear, if the last 15 minutes of this movie were them plotting and executing Betty's murder, again, this would be my favorite movie.

Yeah, they had a lot of chances. A lot of chances to get back on the rails with this one. Also, couldn't they just make the same recipe better than Betty, the one that she stole that's theirs? You would think that, you know, he's a court on blue train chef and invented. Yeah, I don't know. All right. So, but now they have to go tell their moms about Betty's betrayal. So we're going to start with Faye. She learns she finds out that Betty is nothing more than a pumpkin pie opportunist. And in order to take her down,

Fay and Lydia must set their differences aside and form the pumpkin pie vulteron that they were meant to be. It's the, I gave up that life scene, but it's their children. No, I said I'd never bake again. God, I forgot, I'm on. Come again. You're the best baker in the business. We need you just one last time. I won't go back to that life of cooking up a pie to get next

to her room. I run a bakery. But they agree. They're going to bake together. How would this be helpful? I don't like it's not like Voltron. You don't get to come by. You're just two different. All right. You. Yeah, you spin. We'll back it for a while.

You're stirring. I'll stir one. One, stick and switch. Stir. I switch. Stir. Well, if nothing else, you've just reduced your chances of winning, right? You had a two-thirds shot.

Now you have a 50% shot if nothing else. It's the dumbest idea and by the way they're fucking plan this is an idea not a plan by the way they're fucking plan is for their moms to come up with a better fucking pie. I have a plan let's outsource the plan. I got it how about you guys what do you guys think pumpkin pie should be man out of? Is it pumpkin milk and fucking sugar? Yeah? Well, hold on hold on Pumpkin pie wonder twins unite No, it's milk and sugar We just okay, but luckily for them though they get into a yager like Pacific rim

just okay, but luckily for them though, they get into a yager like Pacific red. Make some pumpkin pie in the drift, mother fuckers. Let's do this. Beat up a cracking. Andrews elbow is making a pumpkin pie by himself with blood running out of his nose. All right, but no, but they're going to enter as a team because there's nothing in the bylaws that says a dog can't bake pumpkin pies. Airbud laws. So yeah, there's an opuary law about tournaments that says you can't combine things to the

finals of a tournament though. We would like to combine all the teams so that the winner of this world series this year is ever seen general. Yeah, no, I want I want to inject heath and right into the airbud universe where if it's not specifically written in the goddamn rule book, you can get away with it. I just want nothing in the body. He says you can't stab Betty. book you can get away with it. I just want nothing in the body says you can't stab Betty. There you go. Wait, no, it actually says that. Wow. Okay. Can't stab Betty. Weird. All right. But yeah, so their moms have come up with a with a better pie and now it's time for a making the best pumpkin pie ever montage, right? Well, by the way, the conclusion, spoilers is peacons.

They're going to put, they're not even going to put them in there. They put them on the pie. Yeah, right, because nothing says pumpkin pie, like instead making a pecan pie. You know, pecan pie. What? This was the Voltron thing. This was it. It was like, I've got an idea. Wait for it. I'm the green lion.

God and everybody's like, But of course, all right, so as they're were they're making this this amazing pie. There's a moment where Lydia catches Fay and dry storage so they can have a moment. And it starts off with Lydia going like, Fay, this might be long overdue. And I so wanted to pull out a fucking gun. Or kiss her. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah. Either way. Also, this movie is so badly written that she's like, I'm sorry. And she's like, well, I didn't let me finish. Just let me finish. Yeah, God damn it. There's only eight and a half minutes left. I've got to get this out. Right.

She should let me finish. And then she's like, I'm sorry. That was it. Yeah, no, I am. That was him. Honestly, you could have interrupted. You've always been better than me was kind of what she was going for here.

And then there's the giant pause. It was like, yeah, you've always been better than me, Fay. Two. Did you want to follow that up with anything? You would say next. No, no. You're just, I can see you talking out of the side of your mouth. Yeah, but she tells she explains to Fay that they never, she never wanted them to have a Shakespearean feud over this. And now both of them cry so the movie can end soon, right?

It's like the fat lady singing in opera. The whole lady crying in a hallmark movie. Yeah. Right. So anyway, so after a long night of baking and teary eyed confessions, they finally landed on the perfect pie, pumpkin cheesecake pie with a pecan caramel topping and I just Not that's fucking not pumpkin pie cheese cheesecake not pumpkin pie Cheese cake that sounds great. That sounds busy, but it's just that's too busy

Cheesecake and pecan pie. Yeah, and slightly orange for the pumpkin pie contest I'd like to submit pot roast. Yeah, mac and cheese, whatever. Yeah, right, right. They get outside the box, but yeah, though, but it's, it's delicious. And then like suddenly the characters in the movie realize, oh, fuck, if we've already come up with the perfect pie, then this movie's, oh, oh, but can you recreate this pie at the festival? And she's like, yeah, no, we wrote down what you guys did. We'll just do the same.

It's a list of things you do in order. Like an equation. Are there more or less than 14 steps less? Okay. I'll be good. I got this. Good. All right.

So they head to the festival together. The whole town claps for them for reasons that are never explained. So yeah. And then they have to tell Betty. They're like, sorry, Betty, your competitors teamed up against you. And she's like, that has to be against the rules. They're like, well, we don't have a specific rule. She's like, it doesn't fucking matter.

Just logic would dictate that's against the rules. Do that in tournaments. No, they teamed up. That's what happened. It's stupid because that actually makes it harder for them to win. They get two teams competing against it. But no, it's legal. It's not there's no rule against it. They can't stab you though. And if that's what you're wondering, we did write that one. We checked. What happened by the way, you must have been stabbed once in one of these because that's written down

again, 1997. That was a pin cushion by the end of that contest. I'll tell ya. So, okay, so yes. You're a bitch. We're about to get yet another baking montage. But during this baking montage, Casey notices that Betty has a photograph of the recipe that she stole from Casey, which could be evidence that she stole it from Casey.

You see. And in this town, that'll cause an instant death penalty. They will have her tied upside down like Mussolini at the end of the year. They will draw and quarter Betty if she can prove her guilt. And they can because, you know, they have a graphologist ready to go. Yeah. Spoilers, but yes, they do have a graphologist ready to go. Yeah. Check the handrail. Yeah. Spoilers, but yes, they do have a graphologist ready to go. All right.

So now they're going to present their pies. But before the judges render their decision, Casey would like to confront her about that little recipe she's got, right? Also, real quick, both of the pies look like fucking dog shit. And they do. They look so goddamn awful. They're all cracked in shitty looking. And the pecan doesn't matter. Whip cream is very clearly just them squirting whipped cream

four times around the pie and then putting a pecan on that whipped cream. Yeah, yeah, like soft. You don't like handfuls of whipped cream with the peicon in it. I mean, I like handfuls of whipped cream. It's basically health food If you put a Picon on it. Yeah, protein Yeah, but she explains she says hey, you know look here's my original recipe and there's the photo of my recipe that she's been working with and the town Gasp they cover their Charter ears and shit Yeah, and then the goddamn judge the suicidal judge that Elias had so much fun with demands from Betty, a handwriting sample.

You're under arrest. I'm a pie judge. Right. Citizens arrest. Wait, number one, like, why would you need that? Like, very clearly you have the fucking photo of the recipe and she's holding the you wouldn't what would that solve at this point but then yeah but then Betty has this incredibly sad moment right her if it wasn't for those meddling kids

moment she's like I'm just a sad widower and I just wanted a chance to one day be recognized for my efforts and I was like, fuck you and they throw shit at her. You know, I've just been so alone since my husband died. I thought winning a bike of fuck you. All right. Yep. That's fair.

Sure. And then and then the judges like, well, Betty's disqualified. You all know what that means. Kisses. Judges like well, Betty's disqualified. You all know what that means. Kiss. The movies over without any real victory. Our climax is default wind. Why are our movies all ending in ties now? Yeah. The fact that they made the pie is superfluous. Lydia and Fay are sitting over there going, God damn it. We resolved our 10 year conflict over this. Didn't even matter of you made a pie. You could have just brought one from the fucking grocery store. You could have said shit instead of pecans and we still

want the same thing. And then the judge goes, I think it's time for the winners to kiss and I really wanted that to be like something that happens every year. Well, that's how the golf buddies started off. You know, they were actually, yeah, they were a baking team once as well. This is why Jones town happened. Some town was watching their 200th annual pie contest and Jim Jones showed up and they were like, yeah, I like what this guy's selling. Let's fucking do it. All right.

But yeah, so the town cheers for their new favorite son and daughter. We're not done yet. Do we have to fast forward to one year later at Sam's big restaurant? Now his job in the restaurant is to carry the food from the expo to the server to random servers. He's a people person. That's how restaurants work. You just hand random food to random servers and tell them where it goes.

It's the best system. Well, what you do is you generally have some sort of bucket brigade going out. What was that? Well, and the big finish here is like, all right, Sam's the chef of a restaurant in suburban no hyal. He fucking made the court on blue right to vanilla planes. Oh, I have't question it. He didn't manage that, Denny's.

Yeah, exactly. And Casey made it from Wharton to the business person of that restaurant. Yes, yes. She businesses it. He handles the cooking. She handles the business thing. That's why you go to the Ivy League. And by the way,

Bay and Lydia bake together again. Oh. And then we fade out, and this really just underscores how bad the writers are. We pan away from them standing in the doorway of their restaurant smiling together. And we see the sign and it just says,

Sam and Casey's restaurant. from them standing in the doorway of their restaurant smiling together. And we see the sign and it just says, Sam and Casey's restaurant. Sam, Sam and Casey's bakery and restaurant of food today's where there is food and time. Stop writing. I said stop writing. Stop writing when I'm saying, yeah. Ideas are different than plans.

Oh my God. Equals. Like even the most mediocre writer would have called it like outside the box or something like that. Like when I come up with some damn thing from the movie to call it, but no, it's just Sam and Casey's restaurant. God damn it. That's this whole movie though, right?

This movie is settling on calling your restaurant Sam and Casey's restaurant the movie Inside the to go All right, so that's gonna do it for our review of pumpkin pie wars But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to go back for seconds. So Eli tell us What's on deck? It's Christmas So Eli, tell us what's on deck. It's Christmas, Tacular time. Yeah, that's the one that you have to get. So the first movie in our Christmas, Tacular,

will be Savior, which is, yeah, it is a British, I'm gonna go ahead and say student film without the school about what if Jesus was born in modern times? Oh, yeah. Somebody went to Prager You of Film. Yeah, Prager Film You. Yeah.

All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 2.23 to one more of some of the clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode of nationupatreon.com slash God off.

I'm gonna be there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by the link of five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings' social skating ideas sent to you in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, and cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. Legal surfaces for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.N. Drutorus. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, David Vivil, Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morden Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week

for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick. I'm an illusionist, problems to work hard or another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Collector Man 101 saw this movie and wrote the following comment on YouTube. He said, I relate to Sam. I went to culinary school for two years studying things like making sushi

and other stuff. And yet he was stuck in a family thing. But I plan on opening my own restaurant with a good friend of mine in the future. Well, there is great movie. At least it's bright for him. Betty went on to kill herself in the bathtub that night. Eli watched three more hallmarked movies of his own volition. You just let it keep rolling, huh? Yep, I just watched them. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.