God Awful Movies - 224: Gam224 Savior

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "Savior"; a movie that asks "What would happen if Jesus was born in modern day England?" and answers "Nothing much, as it turns out."  But with an accent. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

What I love, so he goes back into Apologice and we just, we learn just exactly how fucking virginal these people are. They have a couch with bucket seats. Did you guys notice this? They just had two chairs pushed together with a blanket over them because sitting next to each other was a little risque for their audience. Oh, that sad chair version of the Seattleest tub that they have is their fucking couch. That was weird. You know how they have love seats? This is a hate seat. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Heath and right heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know, it's a great movie.

I have no idea. Savior, the 1998 movie with Dennis Quaid. It's pretty great. I watched that and it turns out that a lot of movie and now I have to watch this and we have to talk about this instead. Also called Savior. We'll get there in a second.

No, dude, I watched like 18 minutes of some weird ass cartoon from that was made in Jerusalem before I was like Eli's notes make no fucking sense at all. Yeah, when we're the name of them, I watched that too. Okay. All right. I enjoyed that. And then I was like, oh, no, it's the third thing. Great. Okay. There's two things that we're doing now. All right. And who's to blame for this mix up? Well, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Christmas. First of all, Christmas, Dracula. Oh, is that oh, yeah, yeah, no, because we're recording this one in advance.

This is pre Thanksgiving right right? When every good Christmas tax alert starts, well, because we have a Thanksgiving tagular and a Hanukkah tagular this year. Usually we just have Christmas tax alert, right, right. Okay. So he's jealous. Islamophobic.

What, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Savior from some other year that's not with Dennis Quaid. That's not about a guy whose family dies and then joins the French foreign Legion to get revenge on Muslims, which was better than this. It was a 1998 movie too. I can't stress that. This pre-9-11 and they still, the level of bigotry and hate was just so strong. We need to watch it. It's better than this. But we watch a savior from, I don't know, kind of recently. What year was this? Like 2013 probably, something like that.

Based on the camera phone they used, yeah, I would say 2013. Like peak pureflex, David R. White type of movie. And 2013 savior, it doesn't have David R. White though. It's the story of the birth of Jesus Christ set in modern day England with the prime minister getting possessed by Satan setting up Jim Crow laws for immigrants and trying to murder a baby. So it's a super responsible version of Brexit. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you ever wondered what it would be like, if Jesus was born in modern times, but you do not want the story to change in any possible way that isn't boring wordplay. Well, yeah. You will love this movie. You'll tolerate it. Okay. So

what's pretty great wordplay? If I know what you're talking about, I'm not sure. I know what you're talking about. I do because there's only the one, right? That's just it's just the one. No, it never got clever in any other way. But yeah, we'll get the whole word. I don't know if it's playing. It is word. It's joe actually. Yeah. All right, if this whole movie was just cue cards being dropped in front of us instead of the movie much better Much better movie any change would have been a change in the right direction. Yes. Okay. So what caused you to lose more respect for the British this movie or Boris Johnson? what caused you to lose more respect for the British, this movie or Boris Johnson. Yes. Well, they didn't elect this movie,

so I'm gonna go with Boris Johnson. Oh, yeah, well, that's true, that's true. Yeah. All right, so is there anything you want to do? I'd like to have a vote of no confidence in this movie. Yeah. Yeah, but if we know the British, they'll just replace it with an even worse movie, right?

Yes. It'll be like, we watched Theresa May for an hour. Someone should. We just watched her. All right. Does there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at?

Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst, trying to figure out the modern version of stuff. Because again, this is supposed to be a reimagining of that Bible story of the birth Christ in modern day England. And so it starts easy. We meet Joseph and they were like, okay, modern day carpenter.

Wait, Chad, that's just a carpenter. Yeah. We're going to kill this movie, but they got super confused by everything else. We'll get to a bunch of the examples, but I'll give you one. My favorite example, they have to come up with the modern version of the three kings or the three wise men and three magi who visit Jesus on the 90s born. And they landed on a billionaire and two chicken farmers. And they landed on a billionaire and two chicken farmers. That's the translation they made.

And British tall Tyler. British tall Tyler. There's time. Oh, right. They translated three to four because that was confusing. Actually, actually the farmers are a different thing. They translated three to two. They fucked us up in so many ways.

Yes. Yeah. Also tractor. I don't know. Somehow there was a tractor instead of like a donkey. Something. I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm going to give you one other quick example. They needed a modern version of Herod, the king, who killed all the babies and they landed on atheist prime minister of the. Yeah. Prime minister Herod, by the way. That's the guy. I guess that's a good one. Yeah, so okay I was gonna go with best worst virginity, right? Because this this story doesn't make sense if it's not you know the Virgin birth but like She lives with her boyfriend

They live together and they don't Fuck do they have bunk beds? They live together and they don't fuck do they have bunk beds? A lot of people sleep in the same bed thinking they might have sex because it turns out it was a friendly thing that was happening and then it's fun. A lot of people are liars. You play, scrabble, fudge. I was going to go with best worst pun. So the only thing that they didn't need to modernize about this entire movie was following a star. Because you know how we used to

have old light from celestial bodies and we still do. I don't want to spoil the rest of the movie, but let's just say they update the whole thing in a way that makes no fucking. What's the new star, a clover, a horseshoe, it's lucky charm. TMZ. All right. Well, tell you what, we've got an awful lot of staring for, Lorne lead to the left to get to.

So we're gonna keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the footage they could afford for, save here. Not that one though, or that one. No, that, yeah, no that one. But we're gonna watch those ones too. Because we already did. Cause you are, cause we got tricked.

You got tricked. And that, and that. Yeah, get it, get it. Okay, you go. All right, my did, because we got tricked. You got tricked. And that, and that. Yeah, get it, get it. Okay, you go. All right, my turn, my turn. And that, and that. Guys, guys, why are you beating up a water bottle? Oh, hey, no, hey.

Even I were just reading that plastic is like super bad for the environment, so we decided to fight back. One water bottle at a time. Yeah, oh, good one. Do you see that? He time. Yeah, oh good one. Do you see that? He cried. Okay, guys, if you're concerned about water bottles,

why not try liquid death? Is that a drug? Cause we are down. We are in. No, no, liquid death is actually really good water that comes into 100% recyclable aluminum can. Water in a can, like beer? Like a can of beer?

Like it looks like a beer, but it's actually from the mountains and it's rich with natural electrolytes and minerals. That does sound good. But liquid death is only available in a handful of stores. So you have to order it online. Just go to liquiddeath.com slash awful. They're offering listeners an exclusive deal to get two dollars off of every case

That's liquid death comm slash awful or better yet You can click the option to literally sell your soul on their website in exchange for a free case What? You can actually sign a real soul contract that is legally binding for eternity. I can get behind that too. That sounds great, right? I'm in. All right, now how about let me have a go at that bottom. But uh, what about liquid death? You said that was... Oh yeah, yeah. No, you should still order and it's just that... I'm quit and smoking and I want to kick something all the time. Oh yeah, got it. Yeah, go for it.

And that! And that! I I'm Henry well you won't I tell you Carol's working on her movie, isn't it was about them. What's that matter? Oh Mr. H. Oh Are you a carol's movie then? Spose, suppose Well, I'm playing her boyfriend because I'm her boyfriend Right right right, well, so I'm playing a hair red bloke The one who tries to kill a fucking baby Jesus then all I watch your mouth, but yeah

It's gonna be a ruddy joke then in it Or Carol Don rent her best camera for this But as she changed the story at all, is it just a ruddy story of the Bama baby Jesus rumpin' down the scramshoe? Hidja, it just doesn't need to be never mind the Buzz Cocks. It's the baby Jesus story, isn't it? Okay, that the last one was definitely not real. No, actually, that's a real show in England.

My mind was the one that was fake. Damn it. Is it about dildos? Never mind the Buzz Cocks. Actually, that's a real show in England. Mine was the one that was fake. Emmett. Is it about dildos? Never mind the buzzcock. It is not about dildos. Well, it should be about dildos. It should be about dildos. I'd watch it either way.

And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to fuck this up pretty early. If there's one thing you'd think a Christian movie would nail, it would be the opening line from the Bible. But no, they get, they get in the beginning right though. But after that, they kind of fucked it up. Yeah. We make it two sentences in and we were telling the creation story wrong. This is also the moment where all the viewers realize that this is not going to be the high posh London accent we were hoping for from a British short film. This is going to be whoever gave Marsh Wedgies in elementary schools version of a Christian

movie. Wait, does Marsh not have a London? There's a different accent in London than what Marsh has. Marsh has a Liverpool accent. Yeah, he's got, he's from the North. Those are different things. Can you tell them a part? Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like 50 different British from the North. Those are different things. Can you tell them a part? Yeah.

It's like, yeah, it's like 50 different British accents that I can tell a part. I just don't know what any of them are. Wait, more importantly, can you not tell them a part? No. Like you hear all of our British friends talk and you're just like, yep, from England. Yeah.

All those people plus Australia, same. Yep. All right. There we go. All right, so yeah, so we break in and the movie starts like there's a pompous British lady telling us about the fall of man over shots of like, you know, whatever, just if you Google Earth video, right? Yeah, I just, at this point I wrote my notes, you can just buy stock footage guys this movie.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. But we we learn all about that apple. They weren't supposed to eat the little bastards ate it anyway, but hey, don't fret because eventually Jesus, right? Yeah, and it's very judgey about women despite them getting the thing wrong at the beginning. They said God created man and woman to rule together. Yeah, that's you of them. We should tell the Bible and Christianity about that. If that's what God said, God say that. Yeah, right. And go shooting the contract for help meat. Yeah, well apparently God's scribe was an angry insell.

So that's what we got with Christianity. But then they're telling this story and it's like super judgy, just like, you know, Eve obviously fucked it up. What's Eve doing? Oh, she's hanging up by the tree of knowledge. Okay, well, I'm just going to tell you the one rule, you know, don't eat, don't eat from that tree. And I was like, should I tell her or Eve walks back, tell me what? You've been weird, Apple. And so here's the problem with spending the big bucks on your stock footage up front, is that all of that's like these nature documentary shots that were shot with really, really nice cameras and super slow motion and shit, you get the humming, bird flapping,

it's wing. And then we cut immediately from that to the actual movie, which is, you know, the best they could do with that flip phone. Yep. I wrote, oh, cool. They got Michael J. Fox to be the cameraman for the rest of the movie. Oh, Jesus. Did nobody ever looked over and was like, okay, well, that guy is just trembling. He's so hopeful.

You've been chipped. Having a fit. We should get an exorcist and then do the movement. Maybe we get him some heroin before the shot, right? Like before the shot we do the, yeah, but we meet Mary. She is a waitress who's about to get her hours cut, damn it. Okay. And look, I'm sure whoever this gentleman who plays the boss at the restaurant is a

lovely person, but he looks so creepy that I was, I thought this was going to be like a rapey boss scene. It's not he's just there to tell her hours or cut, but because his mustache is made of exactly three hairs, I was like, Mary, inch towards the knives while you can, my girl. It's towards the knives while you can. Yeah. knives while you can, my girl. It's not what you can. Yeah, doesn't help that he goes and stares at the wall of knives on the magnet thing for a while. Yeah.

And then like licks a couple of them. And then he's like, Hey, Mary, can I talk to you about something? I propose nothing related to me licking those knives just now. Did you see me do that? Never mind. Nothing. What? Yeah.

And I will say this is the first time we really step away from the original story. I was glad they did this. They updated her age in this one. She's not 14. So that's going to make it a little less uncomfortable when she's raped by God. So much better.

Yeah, but she got her hours cut at the restaurant. And I wanted so badly for us to watch a server get fired and get a full restaurant flame out, because those are the greatest. Have you ever seen a restaurant flame out in person or like planned one yourself? I was going to say, I've seen one from the first person perspective. Yes. I've been one, but I haven't gotten to be the third person. I feel like it's more fun from the third person. Oh, do you guys have good ones? Do you just like shit on a table while you were locking eyes with the person who just like shit on a table while you were

locking eyes with the person who just tipped badly or like what'd you do? And you just say, if you thought it was, if you thought it was more fun for the people watching, you are, you didn't do it right. Yeah. I continued to make drinks the way I made drinks the entire time I was employed. And that was vengeance enough. That was my throwing an unopened bottle of tequila at the table here. Figure it out here. I don't do roll ups. You need a unit. You really need a guy for unscrew.

Come on. I heard in Mojito. Here's the thing. I meant, here's a head of cabbage. I don't know. I can figure it out. All right. So yeah, but she tells him like, oh, but me and Joe are saving up to be married. I can't have my hours cut. Like this is the big conflict that they're starting off with.

And he's like, yeah, well, sorry. They just gave me the one line. So I can either say that again, or where I can leave. And that's what's so wonderful about this movie being remade in modern Britain, right? Is that all of the stakes from the baby Jesus story are gone, right? So what she will be like working for money for and what she won't be able to afford in this movie is a nice sweating. Yeah, right? Because she's got the British support system for having a baby. She's got universal healthcare for the hospital bills.

So she's like, oh, Joseph, we're gonna have to have like, I don't know, take out instead of a caterer. God, this movie sucks if you're sitting in Britain. We could get Chick-fil-A and they're gone. Oh, yeah. They can't even get damn it. Yeah, so that's the opening of the fucking movie.

And now we meet Joey DeCarpeter. We know he's a carpenter because there's a hammer hanging off of the side of him, which he will whip out of its holster and then put away slowly 430 times throughout this movie. There will never be a moment where he doesn't idly remove and then put back the hammer in this entire film. But yeah, the way that we see that they're, you know, suffering financially is we see him miming to a flower guy. What can I get for one pound and 50 cents? Yeah.

To which the flower guy appropriately responds, here, have some grass. This isn't how flower shops work. You can have this flaccid asparagus for my lunch leftover. I guess. I don't know. I didn't want those. I feel like you wouldn't you just wouldn't buy the flaccid asparagus, but he does. He gets

his, he gets his pound 50 swerves. I guess sure does. Yeah. All right. So then we cut to okay, a full 30% of this film will be women sitting in chairs waiting for the scene to start. Oh, and how they will wait. It's been a while since we've had Christians waiting for the scene to start space work,

and I missed it, right? This act sure hands her hands are like raising on their own and she's forcibly lowering them. She started to shadow puppets with herself in the seven seconds. She has to wait before her scripted lines come in. It's incredible. Don't do a hyal. Don't do a hyal. Don't do a hyal. That. How many times did I say hi, Ohio? Starts to see him. Yeah, so she's sitting around awful upset about her hours getting cut.

But then Joey shows up and he's got his shitty flowers for her, right? Got you some asparagus. There's a little bit of holidays still on it. I don't know, is that good or bad? I like holidays. I like it makes sense. Did you know it's Holland days?

Not Holland days. Look at that today. Crazy. Gary Goldman. What's that? A job at the job place? Okay, goodbye. Yeah, right, right.

He gets home. What fucking time of day is it? She just got off from waiting tables. He's getting a home from God only knows what and getting a call about a job that starts that day. Okay, sure, that's how universes work, whatever. I love how that phone call happens to. He's like, oh, we're poor now because you got your hours cut. We were already kind of worried. But don't worry. Something's going to happen any minute. God's gonna provide I Said We'll happen and and then this phone call

So much shadow puppets, okay, yeah, but again like that means that on the other end someone was like hey Joseph Come on back down to the cup and tree Come on back down to the Coppin tree place I've got some more wood for you to Yes And he says yes, I have my tools which means the other guy was like You're still a carpenter with tools, right?

Because otherwise I can't offer you this do you have a hammer on your belt right now? I do I do, it's good. I do. I'll be back with my hammer belt. But what he says is yes, I have my tools. So you have to assume the other guy was on the other side of the line going like, so yes, you could have just used yes in that place. I don't, I only ask you the one question.

Yes, the job now. Are you, are you doing the copy? Are you in a movie? I need to sign the phone. What's happening? You have to tell me, Joseph. Are you doing the copy? Are you in a movie? Are you in a movie? I need to sign the phone. What's happening?

You have to tell me, Joseph. All right. So now we get to watch her do dishes for an extended period of time. Well, she hears the soundtrack. I mean, what is she keeps turning around like she heard something like, you know, we didn't, other than the music. See, I like this because this is a good take. Holy spirit as horror movie, sneaking up on Mary the Virgin.

I like this take. I could do a whole movie with this thing, where she's running from them, trying to start the car. It's like it follows, but within semination of the Savior instead of that. And you know how you get out of it? You fuck somebody. It's the same as it follows. I'm telling you.

It's very similar. Yeah, very similar. It's a fucked up story in the Bible because it is a horror movie. But they pretend they're, we're told like, no, the kids are told like, no, this is the Bible. This is a horror movie. But an angel shows up to this virtual 14 year old and is like, hello, I'm not going to sexually assault you.

And she's like, what? That's a weird first thing to say. So you're not okay. Do you have a follow up? And he does. He's like, okay, yeah, well, you know, that being said, my boss is going to sexually assault. Right.

Yes. My boss, that's the rest of my announcement. My boss is God, by the way, the God of the universe. Yeah. Yeah. Right. No, they keep showing us like lens flare and bright lights and shit. And it's like, yeah, but we're watching angel rape right now is what we're watching.

We know what's going on here. And more importantly, this is not well done, lens flare, right? This is for, I wish I could say, stone British 20 somethings going, now how did I make the Lens go? Fufuf then, dude, I got a flash light, we got that window and we got Steve's face, we rumble them about and we'll get a Lensfare we will. Yeah, so they're like, you, uh, the angel is like, Mary, you are with child and she says, no, no, no, I'm the virgin Mary.

I think you want a different Mary. And they're like, no, no, wait, hold on, you're living with your boyfriend and you guys aren't with, I thought this was set in a modern day. I was just going to say this movie's supposed to be set in modern times. Now you're making this story bullshit I'm an angel here to inseminate you with the Messiah and I don't buy it I heard myself say that though. I have a weird job don't I know that I think that I Announce sex crimes. That's my job. Yeah, right, right

This sucks. I just have to do this one though. Otherwise, like a lasinch. You guys rape a lot is what I'm saying. All right, bye. I'm going to lens fair out of here. Yeah, right. Right. We just watch him go to a bunch of his other jobs trying to announce it to different

marries that are like, no. He's not. Also, when she gets conceived, it like hits her in the very clearly in the stomach. Yeah. Right? She does like a, oh, conceived right in the womb. Yeah. It was right away.

It was like he just told me about it and then it hurt because I found out. Yeah. Like a second after she finds out about this, she's got full-blown pregnancy eggs. Eli's got to go get all the food now. Mm-hmm. So she goes and grabs one of those handy-dandy pregnancy tests that virgins keep on hand. Well, you know, you wanna be prepared

when the big day comes along? Ha-ha-ha. Because you're a liar, yeah. Yeah. But she looks at it and it's like, all right. So it's there's plus and minus on what's hold on? What's hovering in a column of light means? What's the answer? Oh, yeah. God's baby. Okay. He was telling the truth. God damn it. Again. So this actresses performance is supposed to be realizing she's pregnant and then filled

with joy, but what she does is totally dead face and then creepy smile that doesn't reach her eyes. So it's like she made it to the bathroom in time to fart at an office party. Or maybe she's smiling because abortions covered by the NHS. I'm not right. I'm supposed to be following in this movie. But yeah, but she's pregnant and man, she just can't wait to tell Joe. Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah. I'll put his asparagus in a vase. That'll make this easier. Yeah, that wouldn't you just have sex with him right now and then be pregnant? Oh, that would be so much easier. Ooh, smart. But no, no, they didn't think of that. So yeah, so late that night, Joe comes home.

She's sitting at the table. I just underscore how little they understand about how anything related to work works in this movie. He comes in, he sets the thing down or whatever. He goes like, yeah, it was great. They had work. I thought paid extra. Now you fucking didn't that never happened. My boss was like, you know what?

I'm going to trickle down some of this. Yeah. Probably. There you go. No, at the end of the day, this today, we all span a wheel to see how much we got paid. It's how much we got paid extra. I got paid extra. Also they do not know a carpentry word besides carpentry.

Yeah. So they have to just be like, money, double tool. We do tool, tool belt. We said that earlier, but we're out. Okay. We're out. Because you can see the actor panic, right? She obviously improvised how was work today? And he was like, oh, you do this.

Come on, man. You're in a half a community college. Yes and worse. Would Michael Skarn, fuck. Wow. So what didn't, you say wooden work was wooden So Joey goes like you know, hey, are you still bum don't worry about losing your hours God will provide and Mary's like funny You mentioned that yeah, yeah about God providing stuff

Get you more hours at TGI Fridays. He's a loving God. Fuck off. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And let's credit where credits do this modern Mary breaks. I was inseminated by an angel and I have an angel standing by to convince you of this in the worst way possible. Right. Right. She doesn't go, hey, you know how God and the Savior and the blood. She's just like, yo, I'm pregnant. Yeah. Maybe, maybe add a little more information for your celibate boyfriend who you live with. Don't just go right to that.

Well, especially with this fucking idiot because she says that, he's like, but we haven't had sex and he stands there doing the math, right? From minute to half before he realizes that other men also produce semen. We watch him do the math in his head. Wait, wait, now my penis hasn't been in you. We might as well see the chalk drawings fly in front of his eyes, but they're just all of other guys' dicks.

When no, no rider walks in, he does some math with her. Is he going I look around. Do you fucking ghost from heaven? That's where we both landed. I did. I did. Yeah. So he's like, he's pissed off now that he gets it and she's like, okay, wait, wait, wait,

wait, hear me out. An angel showed up after you left, which, you know, normally on these circumstances would just mean whatever the fucking UPS guy was hot, right? But that's what she says. He wanders off to go kill himself for something. And then the angel, he's like sitting on the back porch. The angel shows up to say, Hey, no, no, she's, she's, she's being straight with you there. And I'm like, really immediately would have been the time, angel. I wanted to see the angel like panting like, I was like, was there like a salad 11 minutes

where a teenager just told you that she was very clear and pregnant? Oh, I feel like I wrecked this moment for you because you and me, the universe is here, but now it was really just about you getting cheated on. Oh, sorry, man. I'm sorry, you would be honored. It's how hard it is to find a fucking chick filet

around this country I did, but I did. Yeah, I got you would be honored. I'm sorry, man, you would be honored. It's how hard it is to find a fucking chick filet around this country I did. But I did. Yeah, I got here though. Yeah. Did you not get my email? Is that pretty sure I sent an email? Yesterday. Oh, it's crazy.

Ways, man, it's the ways. It tells you the average, but it's not. Is it traffic on the sidewalk? There's a good traffic, because there's a lot of Jewish babies today. Lot of Jewish. Yeah, big ones. They get in there. Okay. We need immigration reform. Congratulations, you're the father of the same New York. Also,

I'm sorry, but can that actor please go put on a clean fucking shirt? It's a lot of come. A lot of come on that shirt. A lot of calm. A lot of Worcestershire sauce. It's really, it's every stain tells a story and every story is tragic. Yes. But I love, so he goes back into Ap ballad, I said, we just, we learned just

exactly how fucking virtual these people are. They have a couch with bucket seats. Did you guys notice this? They just had two chairs pushed together with a blanket over them because sitting next to each other was a little risque for their audience. I got that sad chair version of the Seattleest tub that they have is their fucking couch. That was weird. You know how they have love seats? This is a hate seat. Yeah.

This is the, this is like the bunk beds for celibate couples of love seats. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Although I got to say, that's like the best Sialis commercial ever. That's good stuff. If you don't make it out of IKEA without having a fight, that's the chair you have to buy. It's a whole. I'm just saying, like God syncs a putt and looks over at the Virgin Mary and he's like, ha ha, Sialis. And then, I mean, Jesus, the savior, the Messiah because of your pills. It's for him's.com. It's there's supposed to be in the tubs, but God is standing on the water and his.

My balls are getting cold. I mean, you can just go in if you want, right? And then you showed me the trick. I get it. I see the trick. All right. So now she gets a note, like sometime later, she gets a note, hey, it's Joe, meet me out in the woods where the next scene is and everything. She gets out there. And Joe has decided to throw her a surprise wedding. Yep. Because you know, chicks dig it

when you just kind of wing the whole wedding thing, right? They love it when you skip over their wedding. A huge hit, a huge hit, because let's keep in mind the stakes of this movie so far in so much as there are stakes have been, we won't be able to afford our nice wedding to which this movie responds fine. Let's not have one. Yeah. Right. I was shitty one. Now there's no stakes. We did it. We solved your movie puzzle. Yeah. I really wanted to say no. At this point, she gets out of this grove and he's got the whole thing set up. And there's like elves and saying he's just like, no, no. Was that not having sex with you thing? Not a hint that this wasn't super stupid.

A long term. I keep leaving printouts of Craigslist roommate situations on your desk, I just figured. And then I just immediately fucked God when he asked to load time with me. Anyways, I'm gonna go meet Heathen right in New York City. I'll see you in a little bit. And then we're treated to a damn near

Supplemental shot of newspapers being printed. Okay, okay, that was in the movie. I'm not crazy. Yeah, no, that 13 frames of a goddamn newspaper printer. Yeah, that was in the movie super loud and like Mary, it was just like, I was like, Jesus Christ, what is my, I'm looking around like I was trying to figure out all the digits of pie and this dance. What's amazing is you can absolutely tell what happened with this, right? Is that someone bought the stock footage of newspapers being made, which is, I don't know,

a minute and a half. So they put that, they dragged and dropped that into final cut, whatever. And they were like, well, that's too long. So if not a minute and a half, how long? An a for the second, but it's three times the volume, a for the second, three times the volume. That's why you're the director. Slash, slash, slash writer.

Night, by the way, if you're wondering what it's doing there, it's because in the next scene, there will be a newspaper and people might wonder where it came from. Oh, they brought it in. Did they? A certain modern times, you see? Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, because the whole next thing Did they? The set in modern times, you see. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, because the whole next thing is about this chick being in the tablates, right? Because then we get the scene where we meet the celebrity and we just, by the way, she

is just a celebrity. We don't know if she's an actor or a musician or what the fuck she does, but she's a celebrity and she was in the tablates for being out of the town drinking again. And watching Christians try to do what celebrities get in trouble for without mentioning any of the things that make them tingle in their downstairs is the fucking best. Like, oh, did you hear the latest gossip, Dirty? Oh, it was all over the news that you were on the bicycle. Done and bicycle, you were on the bicycle nailed it. We're making a movie.

Also, I want to talk about assistant grandma. Assistant grandma will deliver. She is my favorite character in the movie, by the way, by far. And she will deliver 100% of her lines to the person in the scene with her, but checking it, we in with the camera to make sure she got them right. Every time there's a graduation give her the rolling finger motion every yes, you're doing fine grounds. And then I stopped talking because they're going to make it into a movie.

Exit. Exit exit. Know you daft bitch. Get off the stage. No, stop reading. Stop reading. Middle finger. Yeah, so she's looking over this tabloid about her being out drinking on the town. But while she's looking through it, she sees the story of a pregnant girl that claims to be a virgin. And I'm like, how does that make it into the newspaper?

Who's your fact checker? TI the rapper? Yeah. And she reads this. She's like, yeah, wow, okay, why I tried to run that same play when I got pregnant. This lady pulled it off though. Right.

Right. And then she calls old grandma back in and she's like, hey, what's that? Oh, there's like a, there's like a prophecy from some book. Like, I don't like a, the B-blade, I forget what it was called. It's like, Jesus Christ being born. I feel what it was called. Like, Jesus Christ being born. I feel like that was the name.

It was something like that. Do you remember that? And of course she does. Yeah, prophecy in this movie is like, who's that guy? He's in the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yeah, right. He's in a bunch of companies too.

Yeah. Do you mean Isaiah? Isaiah, yes, Isaiah. Is it Isaiah? Oh, that was gonna bother me all week. Thank you. I'm just gonna have to look it up on IPBB. Bible base, Bible, battle based.

Yeah, battle based. Why would it be bad? What? Also, one other line in this scene, the actress, she says, just the weird, it was the weirdest words. She said exact words. Hopperazzi are like pigeons. They don't care if they poo on people.

Yep. What? Okay. First of all, I feel like pigeons care, right? I mean, they're doing it on purpose. Yeah. I mean, I don't care. They'd be happier, sad, or something. They would have some emotional reaction to it. But what the fuck is happening in your life that paparazzi is hoowing on you not emotionally? I don't understand what's happening here. And what is it up with with your life where you're being constantly shittin'

by pigeons, right? Like I've never been shittin' on by a pigeon. I lived in New York City for years. I've been shittin' by pigeons so many times. Oh, okay, well I guess that's it, then. Either side of that metaphor is crazy, yes. Yes, absolutely. Whichever was really happening in her life is nuts.

But yes, listen, in case you haven't quite gotten it yet, this is going to be the star that everyone follows. Oh, you're going to spoil that now. I am. Spoiler as opposed to 50 minutes from now when I got it. Was it the first, second, third, fourth or fifth time? The movie explicitly said it.

It was the fifth as you'll see from it's where I'm like, boo. All right. So now we cut to the watch in the news and they're declaring a written wide census where everyone has to go to their hometown, which is weird. That seems is item three on Boris Johnson's get ready for Brexit website. If you check that one right after changing your passport out, I was going to say still a better idea than Brexit. Yeah. Yeah. The Christian movie about Jesus being born is more responsible than Brexit politically. Yeah. Right. Well, and also I find it interesting because you can tell how much earlier this movie was made

because they they were making, you know, Prime Minister Herod hate on immigrants, which they would not do if they made it. Like this same group of people would be like, we hate immigrants too. Now we're going to lose a lot of audience. Right. But again, hating immigrants more responsibly than Brexit. He's like, many immigrants were definitely staying in the EU, but everyone gets to vote. Right. Also, they try to throw in some atheism shade here for herod, they like atheist prime minister, but they don't do it smoothly. He's just like, also, FYI, fuck God.

Yeah. Not sure what that has to do with what I'm announcing, but I just like to throw it a nice little fuck God reminder. Prime Minister out. Yeah. But yeah, and I love it. I'm trying to think through the logistics of that, right? If I had to go back to my hometown, wherever the fuck that is for a, for a censor, and then I'm thinking to myself, wow, as bad as it is now, it would be so

much more insane in the Bronze Age to try to do that. So, got how do they keep telling this story? Though to be fair, being forced to go home to take a barbaric census to stop the savior from rising makes them bowed as much census attend your high school reunion. So I get it. I'm saying I get it. No, you're good. You're right.

So okay, but unfortunately, this trip back to the hometown, now that they're married, she has to go to his hometown for the census, is that it's going to come exactly when she's due, right? And they don't even have a car to drive. He's got a vest, but though, don't worry. I love that they bring that up. She's like, well, we can go on my vest, but she's like, I'll be nine months pregnant. He says, I'm sure we'll work something out. And then later it's just them on the fucking Vespa.

Yeah. You can stand on the pegs. They're pretty sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty awesome. That's why we don't allow these in any other continent, except for Europe and the UK.

Yeah. Actually, not street legal. I souped it up a little bit. Yeah. It's a night. up a little bit. Yeah. It's a night. Put a little turbo on it. It's got a NOS button. Oh, I miss movies when NOS was saying.

You guys remember NOS? Yeah. Yeah. So it in Sharknado. Can we just watch, can we stop and watch Fast and Furious 9 or whatever they're on? I don't know. Put it in there.

No. Think it would be hot. Are there nine yet? Hobbs and Shaw would be the most recent. Oh I don't know. Put it in there. No big. I think it would be a nine yet. Hobbs and Shaw would be the most recent. Oh, we got to watch Hobbs and Shaw. I wrote that down the other day. It's pretty good. I saw in there. So it was pretty good. Yeah. All right. So then we violently cut to a talk show, right? Yes. It just suddenly and without warning, we're being treated to this dude interviewing the paparazzi victim that we met earlier her name is

Ruby Graceland Jesus Starfowlho Stupid wait Messiah Miracle face Ruby Graceland that good that's the most name like when I came up with and I said it only do three. We did it. I guess I was so distracted because this actor looks incredibly a lot like a girl that

I dated in high school who was super uber Christian. If this movie had been made earlier, I would have double checked to make sure it wasn't her. So that was wildly distracting. See, I said, this is a really depressing premiere of BeReasonable the Television show. Yeah, so they're making fun of her for being religious because this is an atheist time. I'm sitting at home trying to figure out if the aspect ratio is fucked up or if every actor in this movie is just long. I honestly still don't know. No, everyone's one eighth gecko

who participated in this film. I had similar questions. And again, like this movie is trying to do the tongue and chic thing, but then it keeps pulling back because it realizes that it's still making fun of the Bible story, right? So he believes in a virgin birth. Have you ever heard of where babies come from?

And then she'll be like, actually, that's a real thing. And he'll be like, yes, it is. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Good point. What is this scene for? Also, we get the classic Christian movie, Trop. Aren't you worried that being religious is going to destroy your career?

Yeah. Oh, we only had by Christian movies inside Christian movies. Well, because it's so relevant to people who are, you know, in Christian movies, right? Like, because they're like, yeah, this is, right, like you mean this movie, because this is going to fuck it right up. Yes, yes. Being in this film. After watching Cliff lose that part of the big group of fish and finding Dory, I just, I don't know if I can risk it in this high. I am game religion and movies.

Uh, David A.R. White's worth like $10 million. Oh, fuck. By the way, I'm pretty sure the guy playing the dude interviewing her made a bet with somebody about how many different directions that he could look during his three minutes on on screen. Oh, and he nailed it. Yes, that he did. And right at the end of this scene, he turns to the camera and he goes,

well, I guess if you want to find a savior, you'll just have to follow this star. Get it? Wink. And that's where I got it, by the way. You can see in my notes, I go, oh my gosh, she's the star. This is where I got it, that's where I got it. But then they said star, star, Bible, star, Bible, wink, star. This is where I got it. That's where I got it. But then they said star star Bible star Bible, Winx star. Oh, got it. Well, let me warn you, this movie is not about to

get any more clever. So we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give actually the hard sell here. Did you catch how they use star to mean both a fixed luminous point in the night sky and principal performer? You get it? Star! You get it? Are you sure you don't need them to point it out several more times? Well, tough shit, because they're gunna, and we're gonna do all of that more when we

return for the tedious conclusion of. Savior. Joseph, I need to tell you something. What is it? I'm pregnant. Oh, you cheated on me? So you cheated on me. What?

No, I would never. Okay, but you just said you're pregnant, so. I am pregnant. Okay, so you went and got IDF? No. Joseph. I want to have your baby. So you you fucked me while I was asleep. Joseph. Because we could do it while I was awake. Like I'll do it awake. I'll never mind. Yes, yes, Prime Minister, you wanted to see me? There he is. Tyler, right?

Yes, yes, on loan from America. I can tell you, sir, I am excited about this exchange program. I think that you're going to find it. Right then, right then. I want a census. You want to what? A census. Too many immigrants.

I want them all to go home and answer a census. All the go home you already have a census if they all went home that would throw the country into chaos. We have no means or no plan to handle it. There's no way that it's going to make it past the courts. I'm the prime minister now. Me wait. Wait, it changed mid-sentence? Yeah, I think it's me now you think. How about the sentence? You know, I still like it better here.

Well, you should have turned to be Prime Minister. And we're back for more of this shit. And at this point in the movie, they felt the need to demonstrate that this whole like virgin show conceivant bear a son thing as the talk of the town. So we cut to this guy with the weirdest possible British accent sitting in what seems to be a giant empty space laundromat. Telling no one in pretty is looking at a newspaper talking to no one in particular, telling nobody how this Virgin's baby is the talk of the town. Right. And he went to the Christopher Eglistan's school of dictation. So he's like, oh, they've done rump old up the newspaper.

They have we've done half now. Even though, five oh my god. It was like, it was like a bit in the guy. Richie movie. I had no idea what the fuck this guy was talking about. Brad Pitt runs in and beats the shit out of him. Yeah, I get it. It's really mad. All right. So we cut from him to Ruby Graceland's office. Well, uh, Fenced in area, Fenced in area, Playpen?

Do we want to go with playpen? For dumpster area behind a ski lodge, it was confusing. Her time share in Twin Peaks. Yeah. But yes, but there's a billionaire on the phone for her. He will alternately be a billionaire and a millionaire as we go through this movie. So he's got some, he's got his stocks. It's a volatile shit.

He's, uh, he's being audited by the IRS. So he can't tell us exactly. Oh, right. Well, right. Yeah, exactly. You're not allowed to count your money while you're being out for the election. Yeah, exactly. But John Dalton, the billionaire also believes the savior is soon to be born and wants to give a whole bunch of money to Joe and Mary, right?

That's the modern equivalent of gold, frankincense and murder, I guess. Mm-hmm. I really wanted there to be a murder and frankincense billionaire to separately. Yes, exactly. Mer and frankincense billionaires to separately. Exactly. So just like here's a billion dollars worth of gold. Here's two billion dollars worth of resin. Because Mer and frankincense are basically the same thing and it's weird that we say it like that. Okay.

It's a lot. Do you want to make a candle? How about all the candles? Billion. Yeah. Do you want to make a candle? How about all the candles? Billionaires. Yeah, fuck it. I got you this candle factory. And by the way, in case you didn't catch it the first time, John Dalton says to

where on the phone, he says, I just feel like I'll find the savior by following your star. Get it, wink. You're the star and then I'll just follow you. It's a fun thing to say. star. Get it, wink. You're the star and then I'll just start you. I was talking to you. I'm at following billionaire. This is what I did today. Millionaire. All right. So then, oh, by the way, apparently, there's been some budget cuts

in the UK set offices and shit. Their government is on a shoe string these days, which is why the PM's office has been moved to the back of a dentist's office. Right. He's, he's in a cubicle inside the fenced in area inside the dumpster area. I was going to say not a nice dentist office. No, no, exactly. It's over top of a laundromat. Yeah.

So they try to do this moment where it's like that where he walks in and the boss throws the newspaper at him. It's like there were obviously 12 takes where they just tried throwing a flippy floppy newspaper at the guy where it flew everywhere and then to pick up all the pages. So they balled it into a giant wad. Any chucks at it and it hits his chest and then instantly refolds itself between cuts. Absolutely. Like an hour of Tim Tibo trying to throw a newspaper as best he can.

So I was trying to figure out, was it the guy playing the PM was unable to throw it or was it the tall Tyler guy was screaming and running every time he did? But yes, there were clearly multiple things. Also, the PM was fucking that newspaper right before the guy walked in. Oh, right. Okay, his reaction makes a lot more sense now than okay. And basically his thing is that like after years of atheism, having dominance, this virgin birth is now more popular than the prime minister. And I wrote in my notes, to be fair, an un birth is now more popular than the prime minister. And I wrote my notes to be fair, an unborn child is more popular than the prime minister right now.

Yeah, but it's not all the time. Actually, I mean, Boris Johnson does look like a really old fetus. Yeah, Gary Bucy's fetus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it's assisted that this is British tall Tyler. He's like, well, I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing that the savior is going to be born. So Prime Minister Herod's like, get out of my fucking office. How dare you? And then we cut to Ruby Graceland in bed while waiting for the scene to start, I guess. Okay.

My notes literally just say did they just accidentally leave in the footage they took of this woman asleep on purpose, but yes. Yeah, right. Oh, my notes are on this scene involved me slowly realizing that that clock was set to British state style. It is not the 11th day of the 13th month at this point in the moment. Give me a minute. Sorry, guys. I really wanted her to have a dream about Muhammad at this point. Okay. Okay. Do another new movies, new prophecy,

I'm going to play. Ready, guys buckle in pretty big switcher. Roo. So it turns out my baby's gonna be swapped out at the last second. I know, right? But yes. So you guys like twists, right? I'm not shaman.

This is gonna be fun. We get Dennis Quaid in on this movie. Yeah, perfect. All right, but so then she's dreaming or having some like echoey flashbacks with random lines up from earlier in the movie, but interspersed with them are also some lines that aren't from the movie and are completely random like, you know, would you like fries with that level of shit? I'm telling you, John, you've got to get a tripod for that camera.

that camera. Cameroon. Rob Arbond spinach. You had a dream about somebody talking about rhubarb and spinach. All right. So now Prime Minister Herod is drinking booze and hanging out in his decidedly middle class living room. Eventually, he turns on the news. Right?

He watches TV in the movie. He watches. And he very clearly has one of those two sad see Alice chairs, but just one by itself. Now it's clearly one of the same ones, which is, I mean, a see Alice like masturbation tub is also a good see Alice commercial. There's the untapped market that hymns and Seattle is aren't going for. Right. A really stiff jerk session.

You want to have really good performance for yourself? Yeah. Yes. So the news says that the millionaire, John Dalton, the market's down, the millionaire, John Dalton, has also signed onto this whole savior coming thing. Also, so has the prime minister's assistant tall Tyler and the newscaster is like, boy, we sure hope the prime minister doesn't hear about this.

Oh, it's a secret. Also, during this newscast, there's what's supposed to be like the terrifying news ticker going under with the text scrolling across. And I actually read these first. It says Irish leaders argue over relevance of religious law. And then it says anti-depressants become most prescribed drug in Europe. Then it says popular chat show host in lawsuit following radical false claims. All right. Interesting.

Supposed to be about Mike Marshall's TV show. And then the last one, it just says Jewish and I was like, oh man, what's it going to say? And they cut. Oh, I bet they fucking did. Yeah. Yeah, it was definitely, it had the letter L too. So it was like, I'm pretty sure going to be like, Jewish lizard alien. They're Eli Violet in the whiteboard. I get it. Yeah. David, Ike, you're not a producer. You have to leave. And by the way, the newscaster closes this whole thing

off about these, you know, people believe it in the Savior. She says, and that's the story of the not so wise men who followed the star. Get it? Wink, right? Just in case the first two reveals didn't do it for you. Also, they're so fucking stupid that they couldn't get a third wise man in their movie. The three people, one of them is the star, right?

Fuckin' well because there's two chicken farmers. Like those are the farmers, that's a different thing. That's not even the wise man. We'll get to it. Anyways, now the devil's gonna speak to him through a tasteless owl figurine. Yeah. Well, I loved you. They show him like angrily drink a thimble full of gin. This tiny, tiny has a little bit of alcohol. It's like, no, man, you don't do that when you're pissed. Like did the test audience get mad when he poured a full ounce of that fake whiskey and

they were like, whoa, whoa, waste. Whoa. A finger of whiskey in this movie. This is on pureflix. So yeah, but Satan starts talking to him, telling him that the baby will overthrow him. It seems unlikely. I don't think you'd hold the prime ministers ship that one. But right. And they they switch halfway through the Satan talking to him that it's him talking. So it's like, it's like if smie go and golem were both golem.

Yes, right. Exactly. He goes, I can't stop a child from being born and I'm like, must be a fucking conservative. Yeah. Well, it's like if smie go and golem were both golem and then golem and golem decided to abort all the fetuses in the UK because they're an atheist trying to kill do a modern version of killing all the babies like herad did, right?

But they don't go there with this. No, for sure. That's where they're going with it. Yeah, yeah. So did I, but no, apparently they weren't even going to mention fucking abortion in this movie. Um, so herod because I guess he's, he's pro-life or something decides that he has to wait until the baby's born before he kills it.

Well, and there's this great moment between him and I guess himself where he's like, I'm helpless against this child and him slash Satan is like, Jason, you can't think of anything you do to a baby. Have you read the Mayo God dude, the whole first free chapters are shit that kills it. Like there's a. Absolutely. They can't have a blanket. A blanket will kill it.

You can't blink while you're bathing it. It's fucking insane. Shake it. Apparently that kills it right there on the spot. Everyone keeps telling me shaking it's the best way to kill a baby. I'm telling you, man. I got 12 pamphlets here with your guide to kill him. You just get lucky with SIDS. There's a lot of stuff. There's nothing. All right. So now the three wise men, the two wise, the star and those other characters have been summoned by the PM to the diner that would let them shoot. The finest hotel lobby they could get permission to shoot in at one.

Oh, God. This days in exactly one take. Don't worry. We've only used one take for the rest of this movie. All right. Would you like to buy breakfast with your hotel stay? It's terrible. No, we don't want breakfast with our hotel stay. And it's four people meeting up at this terrible lobby of a waffle house or whatever London's

version of that is. And they all didn't think this out. And they were like, I guess we shake hands, right? When the four of us meet. But they don't. There's just like, how, how many money should all of us shake it? Just, okay, just the one pairing is going to shake hands. We're going to start seeing now.

One take. Got it. Okay. We've met the two of us, one permutation. Hello. Yeah. And basically the prime minister's picture is, I know art feelings, I just really would like to meet the baby. And they're like, really?

You don't hate the baby. And he's like, what, I hate the baby. What? No, I want to give him an edible arrangement. Yeah, edible. You said that weird though. You guys hear him say that weird? Right.

You say no. I'd like to meet the savior again. I don't like it to meet the savior. You know, when I was doing like a Mario thing. Woo. Are you the bad guy from Brad a two we now hold on a second? Well, in total Tyler's theory, he's like, he's like, well, excuse me sir, but didn't you just say yesterday,

fuck that baby with a coat hanger? I have it on tape and he's like, no, yesterday, I have a very non creepy reason to demand to see a baby. I have normal reason. I've changed my mind. So if you could tell me exactly where that fetus is, like GPS wise, one, two, three, four, three, four.

Yeah, right. The exact location of that fetus is what I will need now as the information, please. Thank you. Look, I just want the typical information. Where are you registered? What window would be best to snipe the baby? Yeah, right.

What? You guys hear it that time? I heard him. He said, snipe, right? And what's great is he says, like, oh, I want to give the baby a gift. And I do not believe this was scripted. The billionaire character screams so hard it kisses the mic out. He's like, I have giving the baby money.

I had dibs on money, baby, baby money. Yeah. Is anyone called frankincets? Yes, we have a frankincets since guy in a mer guy. They couldn't make it because we're filming on a Saturday, but we do have them. They'll be in the credits. Can I bring a licorice? Nobody likes licorice. Black licorice. Fuck you. Fuck you. Get out. And then we cut to a chicken house right back to me because their friend worked at a chicken house and so they could film it to chicken house on Saturday after 7 p.m. Oh so confused by this. I was like how are they going to fit this into the Bible story eggs Eggs are from hold on. I got a way to eggs the resurrection

of Jesus. No. Okay. No. And the best part is that like the two people playing the characters in this chicken factory are without a doubt, I promise and would bet any amount of money on it. People who already work in that chicken factory. Oh, yeah. Real owners of this chicken factory. Yeah. And married couple. Yes.

And they've got the guy Richie accent from before that we were talking about. They're those people. So and of course, this is like in the Bible, the angel showed up to the farmers to tell them, Amen. Savior's been born right over there. If you want to go in and get a peek. So they're the stand in for those characters. So the guy walks out to get some stuff outside

and there's an army of naked dudes with torches outside. Yep. Yeah. And they're just like, yeah, don't be afraid. We're just here to tell you about the Messiah coming back just you guys specifically. And he's like, yeah, don't be afraid. Um, we're just here to tell you about the Messiah coming back, just you guys specifically. And he's like, okay, um, and you need eggs and bulk. Yeah. Fucking happening. No, we're hooking all the occupations alphabetically. We're on C for chicken farmer now. Uh, is that the term for that, by the way,

having an like egg factory, poultry farm, chicken farm? What they have an egg factory? They have an egg making facility. Yeah, chicken houses, what I've always heard, but chicken house, okay. A rookery, okay. Wait, really? No, I made that up.

Okay, you just made a board. I don't know, I'm sorry. If no one doesn't know it, I make it up. That's the rule. A rookery is a breeding colony of rooks, typically seen as a collection of nests high in a clump of trees. So actually, you're fairly close, man. Yeah, see? There's something knocking around the old brain and runie.

No, it wasn't, though, because that has nothing to do with what we're talking. It's just, it is a bird related thing. Yeah, I got a bird word out at a moment. Yeah, you were trying to think of a bird word and you said, Rookery. Rookery. Rooker. And you started to think of a bird word. You didn't know.

So that. Yeah. All right. Have you not already heard? So. Sir, certain revelation. No, please insert 33 minutes of silence after

and then just then just hit the theme music. We don't need the risk to the sense of three minutes. Anna, bird is the word. So all right, yeah, but so the angels are just there to make sure the chicken farmers know what's up and they're like, but we're just chicken simple chicken farmers and they're like, yeah, but so the angels are just there to make sure the chicken farmers know what's up And they're like, but we're just chicken simple chicken farmers and they're like, yeah, it doesn't really fucking matter Meanwhile Mary's nine months pregnant. They're gonna go on his mo pad after all So the mo pad to his hometown we we represent the long trip they take by the way with I shit you not a Black screen with an audio montage

of driving sounds. Nope. God, you'd be crazy surprised that pregnant lady on MoPet doesn't come up in this free stock footage thing we've been using. I was really disappointed. Um, however, Dave has volunteered to go, boom for a comically long amount of time.

Did we want to go with that? I love you. So now we get to see where they show up to read a room. They got to be turned away, whatever. And they're like, can we read a room? And the guys like, no, because this is obviously just someone's house. You not just someone's house. This is someone's house who's not involved in the movie. Like you got lucky. Then at your fourth house, I didn't say what's with the

camera. I mean, but with the camp find the outside of a hotel that they could use, they used a lobby earlier. They lost that negotiation. They were like, and then we'd like to use your front desk. Go, oh, fuck ourselves. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Nope. Lobby's fine. Lobby's fine. On that one. Okay. Yeah. Lofel House is like, you can have your baby and dry storage. Yeah. All right. Well, and then, okay. So yeah, now we have to have the modern day equivalent of getting stuck with, you know, the bar and out back. So the guys like, hey, you know what? I've got an old RV in the back that you can stay in.

And I'm just like, I'm trying to fathom the privilege of looking at, sure, use my RV, which is small, but has its own private bathroom and kitchenette as more or less analogous to sleeping in a barn. Yeah. kitchenette as more or less analogous to sleeping in a barn. And yeah, well, again, because they can't be like, oh, no, where will we have this baby? Because the answer is any hospital because medicine is free. Yeah, right. Well, right, break, because then she starts pregnanting and he says, oh, I'll take you to the hospital.

She says there won't be enough time. And so you just, just now your water broke. Why would there not be enough time? Nope. Nope. This baby's coming out like one of Eli's shits It's now or now Now it's now we're now with pants on it's gone We are selling it's now we're now with pants on t-shirts on our website It's now and now it's all proceeds go to IBS sufferers. It's me also. Okay, wait, I love this so much. We cut back to the farmers and they're like, well, I guess we'll go see the savior being born, but they're going to go on their tractor because farmers drive

tractors. It's just, you know, I wanted it. I wanted so badly a cut of them moving it three miles an hour. Right. This is a farm tool. It's not a, it's not a vehicle. I mean, it's a vehicle, but that's not what I'm not primarily. And what are they, what are they tilling with the, they're tilling chickens?

They're picking up eggs and the trucker and what the fuck's happening with that track? Giant, John Deere tractor. No reason for that to be there. So yeah. So then we get this amazing driving montage. I can't possibly do this driving montage justice because it's like a half second at a time. And it'll like go from one guy's road view to another guy's road view, but we don't even know whose roads the other cameraman

running towards the front shot as you're watching the back shot. It's pretty phenomenal. Yeah, slow down your tracker. And then by the way, after all of this setup for the following the start of Find the Savior and Shit, they all go in the same fucking car, right? So she threw down, they don't even follow her in the end. There's a billionaire in this car. The billionaire couldn't spring for a fucking Uber account.

The back of Minivan with the back row seats. I was telling you what, why don't we both order an Uber pool? Sometimes they put us to get, oh, nope. Steps once, it's gonna shift. Lift, see if they have better prices sometimes. Oh, I don't like lift, you know, I feel like they have more power in there. I don't like it. So deleting it from my phone.

You have a mer guy, all your mer guy. So now, okay. So now everybody has to show up at the RV. So they all just walk into this random RV without knocking. We are never given any reason to understand like why they know where to go. No, or anything. They walk in and they and then all actors simultaneously realize, oh, this RV's too small to do a scene. And yeah. We also get this amazing scene of the prime minister's baby assassins who show up, but the door is locked so they can't get in.

The Mandalorian must have got there first. I don't know. Oh, the two henchmen were clearly going to a job interview to become like higher level henchmen for a different engine operation. I'm going to be a hench manager. I'm only going to be able to hench for this guy for a while. He's going to die of a heart attack before this movie's out. So I got to keep my resume is out there.

How does one hench, is that a verb to hench? Well, this is not how to hench here. This is an example of how to hench. Yeah. Because they fail miserably. But yeah, and then the farmers show up also where the baby was born to serve no goddamn purpose in the story whatsoever. Right? There were just there were farmers in the Bible. So they have to have a couple of farmers there too And Maybe the billionaire shows up a few days ahead and gets a fucking hospital What are you doing maybe yeah, maybe you hunt them up before the baby's born even right? So yeah, all right, so then the fucking narrator cuts into a surest that no

That's they couldn't afford to film any more like they couldn't do the whole part where Jesus does the Jesus stuff We're done now. We're done But I assure you he was great and our handsome friend Dave said we could film him walking for this last shot He even grew a beard. Y'all he spent like three days not shaving for this shot. So enjoy Dave. Also, so there's this long fucking narration at the end and we just have to see everybody sitting around like enjoying the baby adorable baby by the way.

So often in these movies they get ugly babies. Everybody in this movie was cute, but they they're sitting around with a baby and so very clearly the farmer dude is flirting with the actor that plays Ruby Graceland. And it's not like in the movie. It's definitely this actor just flirting with this other actor. Just striking out. Yeah. Oh, that like 14 foot tall guy.

Yeah. Yeah. It was enormous. Again, I think I can't hear hide of the door. I can't tell if it's just the aspect ratio or if he was that tall, I can't. Shot it in Hobbitin, you're never know. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Also, we watch the billionaire come millionaire give Mary a check. So, and you can tell they're trying to do the like golden sense and murmur moment here,

but he's just like Here's a piece of paper. Yeah I should have put it in a chest and keep in mind right like there's no words that a So that accompany this so like there's no reason for her not to think that this stranger that just showed up is trying to buy her baby for that amount Right like he's just sliding the piece of paper across the baby for that amount, right? Like he's just sliding a piece of paper across the table to her here, right? Sorry, my old supplier killed himself, you know what I mean? I missed Jeff, I missed him every day. Shouldn't have brought Hillary into it. brought Hillary into the. So.

And then it goes like the narrator goes, but the story doesn't end here. This is just as much of our script as we could afford to actually do. We thought it was going to be free because we were doing it on the phone, but then it turned out like getting everybody together on the same day was a pain in the ass. So that's it. But you know, Jesus got murdered later for stuff and everything. Anyway, yeah, that's the end of the movie. With that long, weird narration thing, like,

the cranberries doing slam poetry on top of the thing. I was just like, all right, come on, just play Donovan Atlantis. Let's go. That's an outfit right here. Irishy voiceover thing. Let's go. And your fucking movie. Yeah. All right.

So that's the end of the movie I have to ask who told it better this movie or Linus? Ooh. I'm going to go Linus because he told it faster. Well, that's true. Yeah. No, you're right. Wow. Yeah.

That's, that's this movie as a noise. Yeah. That was an entrance. And that the farmer characters did just go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. When they talked, they were adults. I love when they showed up, they're just like, we're chicken farmers. We're better here now.

We know that's all sorted out. Carry on with the Messiah salvation. If you have chicken farmers, you guys need a couple dozen. All right, well, that's going to do it for our review of savior, but that's the only thing I can do for the episode just yet, because we still have more Tuesdays to account for. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, it's Christmas,

Tacular season, which means we'll be taking on the 1959 flop-tacular Santa Claus. Oh, finally. Yep, Santa versus Satan in a child kidnapping, sing along contest. Get ready.

Oh, I'm so excited, because this is one of those ones where like movies were still really expensive and took a lot of people to make and it's just as bad as savior was. Yeah, awesome. All right, so with that, we're gonna bring you to chapter one of this fucking tackler to a merciful close.

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