God Awful Movies - 225: Santa Claus

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

This week, guest masochist Rebecca Vigil joins us for an atheist review of the 1959 Mexican classic, "Santa Claus"; a movie I was only able to discern from an acid trip by the fact that my notes lined up with everybody else's. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Yeah, so Merlin goes to this giant flowers to mix Santa's child roofies together. And by the way, this actor showed up on stage, put a gun to his own fucking head and said, there will be 11 minutes of my silly walk in this movie, right? And I will do my own underscoring. Yes! I did do it! I'll have a wacky soundtrack. We can't afford a wacky soundtrack. I will!

I have a wacky soundtrack! Not awful! Movie! Movie! movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. has chosen to further fuel the rumor that he's actually just a voice that Eli does when he doesn't have a cold by not being here today

But sitting 900 miles to my north east is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Buenas dias Noah. I am Coming to you from my space palace Everyone knows I live in and Have my army of slave children just just like everyone experiences on the regular. I just want to end the like I want to switch out to a different episode now, like a different movie and just leave that intro in. Use another show's opening. Yeah.

All right, and also joining us today is Friend of the Show and returning guest master guest Rebecca vigil Rebecca. Welcome back. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Hi, guys. You should just do that in the background. We drink the entire show. Yeah, I mean, he did it in the movie. Oh my God. Yeah, definitely I best worst cackling laughter was real close on mine, but I didn't quite make time. I've never sympathized with the I tune reviews that say we laugh at ourselves too much until this. All right. So let's give all of this some context.

Tell us, Rebecca, what will we be breaking down today? We will be breaking down Santa Claus. And that's not to be confused with the Tim Allen masterwork, the Santa Claus. No, it's Santa Claus, which is also known. And I quote from Wikipedia, as Santa Claus versus the devil in 1959 Mexican fantasy film. Indeed. Okay. So just to give, like this is one of the truly great bad movies of all fucking time and is almost universally recognized as such. I've been looking forward to doing this since we started the, since we started God off

a movie. So I'm pretty excited. It did not disappoint, but really it's not my job to answer that. That's Eli. So Eli, tell us how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Christmas, but whoa, the acid just hit and you really need Steve to stop making that face, you will taste this movie. Well, sensor. All right. So is I already hinted at one possibility that didn't quite make the list, but is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the

best of being the worst at the best worst editor? I know. I know. I know. This is about Santa Claus with the editor needed to trim the fat. Oh, I guess we've been great at a nice tight 22 what we should have been for here is a white a tight 22 bro All right, so I was this is a big one here. I was gonna go with best worst earth Okay, like several times in this movie. We're gonna see earth from a distance that pathetic pieces shit Earth leaves you longing for the astronomical integrity of the jetsons opening. Okay.

Yes. I was going to go with best worst shenanigans. So major spoilers, 99% of this movie or an hour and 45 minutes of this movie is Santa and Satan pranking each other back and forth. And the writers of this movie wrote, I'm going to say one shenanigan and then everything else was improvised based on like, um, the guy light him on fire. I shoot him in the face with a gun. The hell with it. Can we get a suggestion, please? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What's the cause? How about this clothing one? Yeah, but then there's no bar stuff. No, that's true.

Hey Noah, hey Eli, what you guys talking about? No, hey, C-Zel, we're the, you just showed up in a god awful movie, said. We're just trying to figure out what to get heath for Christmas. Yeah, I mean, he's smart and fashionable, but he also has varied interests, so he's impossible to shop for. And funny, super funny. Yeah, I can't forget funny. And smart, smart. Okay.

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All that for almost half off, huh? Well, it gets better. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code awful at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com and are awful for 20% off your first box. Oh man, I think I know what I'm getting heath because he likes so many different things. And all of them are awesome just like him. Guys, did heath write this ad? I don't see why that matters, it's a good ad. It's a good advertisement for a product. I'm here too. Man, this script writing thing is hard, huh? Tell me about it. Okay, you know what? Let's say, why don't we shake

off the cobwebs and do something fun. Shots! It is 2PM. You suggest that a lot. I won't apologize for having fun. Okay, okay. How about madlibs? We madlibs the plot. See what happens. Sure, okay.

So we're not even gonna consider shots. Okay, so Santa, who lives in space uses Merlin to defeat it's Satan. That's pretty funny. Yeah, you know, this could be the movie. It could. I mean, we haven't had any ideas. So yeah, yeah, it could. Guys, be serious. This is a Christmas movie. We can't have, you know, if we finish early, we can go get shots. I love it. It's still only 230. You were outvoted, Steve. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on credits for sea level readers. Just took a hit and gave me motion sickness as well. My very first notice, let me save you both some time. This is an English dub of a Mexican film and I appreciate that note, sir. I appreciate that note right up front. Also, other fun fact, gay, Kay Gordon Murray, the director and producer, didn't give

this a general release. Instead, he just traveled around the country showing this in Matt May. Yeah, I'm wondering why this didn't get a general release. All right. So we're going to open up the movie by meeting Santa who lives up in his obviously as we Why this didn't get a general release? All right, so we're gonna open up the movie by meeting Santa who lives up in his obviously as we all know his Cloud castle Yes, zero seconds into the movie before the language burial will show us that the myth of Santa Claus Didn't quite make it to Mexico intact

No Santa lives in space. Yeah, apparently, and not only does he live in a cloud castle, but they show the shot. He lives in a neighborhood of cloud castles. They never addressed the other cloud castles there, right? It's just like you look at us like visiting people in California, like why spend the money on a cloud castle? If there's going to be another cloud castle, right on top of it. There goes the neighbor. Oh, now I have a tooth fairy is in another cloud castle having loud parties.

Yeah, goes into rehab. The place is empty. Get squatters. I love to the narrator as we're closing in on this cloud castle says, you stand to lives up in the clouds in a golden palace and like, but we can, it's white. We can see that it's not gold. This is in color. And this is where we get the first of what will be the majority of this movie, which is Santa laughing to himself over it. Nothing is terrified. Yeah, no, because it's a full blown cackle. There's no ho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, worst movies of all time, and it's according book, the reason that he is constantly laughing is that the actor who played Santa sort of mumbled to himself in Spanish in ways that didn't make a lot of sense in the translation. And since Kay Gordon Murray didn't want to translate all of that Spanish, he just told the English dub after the laugh over all of those like quick Spanish dialogue.

Are you serious? Yeah. So all of that is Santa like mumbling to himself and being like, do do do I'm Santa? I'll put some gifts here. I'll put some gifts there and Kegor and Murray was like boo boring. We'll just get to the block one and place it all with ha ha ha ha. Amazing. Amazing.

So again, as you go through this movie, just remember every time Santa's laughing, it's because a white guy didn't want to translate too much. Oh my God. All right. So he caccles around his nativity scene for a little while. And then he says to the nativity scene is is if you'll excuse me I have to go finish the toys Which he does by playing an organ that electrifies the slave children?

I Only answer I have yeah, okay, so we're now gonna check in with Santa's sweatshop the next I don't know 73 minutes of this movie will involve a parade of cultural sensitivity as we, you know, tick off the children by one, like, by racial stereotype, I guess. But, but credit where credits do the understanding of geography in this movie is phenomenal, right? South America is divided up into 17 different countries. Africa is all one thing. And so is Central America. The orientation is mind flowing here. We get at one point the orient. Yeah. So yeah. Being a orientation. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

Which this is supposed to be like it's a small world after all, right? Yeah. Except the thing about it's a small world after all is that they were all singing the same song in different languages, in traditional dress. And K Gordon whoever's name was who made this movie was like, I'm not translating that many fucking things into this happy Sanity. So he just has them, he has each group of whatever country or race they're representing singing a random song.

So the English kids are singing London bridges falling down. The American kids are singing like a cowboy. So there's no rhyme or reason to any of it. It's the lazy, it's like the first draft. Well, Disney was half drunk sort of stumbling around the lazy river going, and then you know, all of us in Mexico is there, some Chinese is there, and then Orient there, and then Africa there, and then orient there and then Africa there and then Guatemala. If I recall, it's a small world after all,

everyone is happy to be there. And this is not the case. Because you like children seem like prisoners from the jump, like they seem miserable. Yeah, and again, this goes on for 600 years. So here's the list very quickly. Yeah. And each of these groups gets a song, right?

Yes. So we get African kids, Spanish kids who are churning butter in some very suggestive ways. It's not comfortable. Chinese kids, British kids, Japanese kids, the Orient, Russian kids, French kids, German kids, Italian kids, wait, I have to keep scrolling Caribbean kids, South Americans kids, Brazilian kids, Central American kids, and then American kids, and finally Mexican kids. Yeah.

Which again, if you don't know this movie is made in Mexico is very confusing after we covered South and Central America, the Mexico gets its own finale piece, which is twice as long as everyone else. I'm curious to know, Eli, do you think that Mexico is part of either South or Central America? And if so, which you know that I do. Everyone listening to this podcast as I said that was like, he thinks that's part of those. All the same. Yeah, exactly. Latin America South America was the fucking. But yeah, though, and like, there's a point in my notes, by the way, where I'm like, this entire movie is just going to be different. We're going to go through all like a hundred

and ninety seven, whatever you and countries and have a group of kids sing, aren't we? And I have only two notes on this that we didn't already cover. The first is the Caribbean kids part of their outfits is guns. That was the reins. A lot of kids. A lot of kids. The American kids have guns too. And then the second thing is that this is intercut between the different countries and races. We'd santa just making love on that organ.

Stevie Wonder would tell Santa to tone it down. Yeah, but it's interesting because his back is to them. He's like facing the racist piano computer. He is like hard. It's a quiet. Yeah. No, this is definitely how Santa gets his rocked, so off. Okay.

So then, all right, he's cackling away at the organ and then a couple of kids come in and they're like, Hey, Santa, do you like our little devil toy? Which it seems like, seems like Castro is about to light up a cigar on this one, right? Because they're like, no, you have to light it on fire and I like the wicks. Santa's, this will go great for you. Yeah. Well, and this is not helped by the child actors. Obviously, there was an incident in a take we didn't see because they hand sent of this

firecracker devil toy and then they fucking book it out of frame. Oh, yeah. I mean, a feral cat or something. Yeah. Please don't hit me. Please don't hit me. Yeah. Yeah. So he lights up this little

double toy. It starts spinning around and then we cut to a flash mob in hell. And by the way, I just have to say for the rest of this podcast, my notes are kind of sparse because that is how good bad this movie is. As I would find myself just like engrossed in how horrible. Yes, yes. And I was like, oh, fuck, I didn't write any jokes. Just standing there with jawgapes. Yeah, no, I'm with you. Again, fun fact from the movie and the novel that we probably wouldn't otherwise know.

Pitch is part of a dance troupe and is a relatively famous clown in 1959. So you have to remember that this is like if a famous standup comedian was playing the devil and was doing all his bits in the middle of the movie, which of course did not translate to American audiences, which is why there's so much time with pitch doing just like physical comedy on his own to the stony silence of the American dubbers. All right. So, yeah. So, Satan tells pitch who is, I guess, his top demon that he must go to earth and defeat Santa in single combat, right?

Yeah. And if he fails, he will force him to eat chocolate ice cream. And pitch is like, no, not chocolate ice cream. And I wrote in my notes, pitch also suffers from lactose intolerance and IBS. I get it. Yeah. I found pitch to be sympathetic in this movie. He was definitely the protagonist in my movie.

I was watching because you know what? He didn't carry around roofie powder for children. That's just automatically put you at the top of the list in my mind. Yes. And also the whole movie I could have sworn they were saying bitch. Bitch, don't go in there. There's a whole new editor had just called him bitch throughout it. bitch, don't go in there. Oh, whatever. There's a whole new editor had just called him bitch throughout it.

It would have made so much sense. Exactly. Exactly. All right. Yeah. So the devil rises to earth to do battle with Santa Claus is the plot. So we see, and apparently that made the local news, right? That was that was the headline.

Yep. All right. So Santa's cacling away at children that want toys and the narrator cuts in. Now the narrator really doesn't seem to know his role, right? No. He is part sports commentator, part narrator, part overly excited audience member. But he's like, you know, here's a little good boy. Here's a good little boy whose daddy is quite rich.

And I'm like, why are you, why are you sizing up daddy? What are your goals here, man? He's going to compare this to the little girl in the moment. But there's way too long pause. It's just like, look at this good little boy. His parents invested well. 401k. Nice apartment. Look at that business card. And that damn that guy who got the promotion over me. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. He runs the advertising firm that your narrator just fucking works that. And then he goes, this mother on the hand, on the other hand, is very

poor. And her daughter just wants a fucking doll. And this is, this is where we meet little Lupita. Little Lupita is fucking baby Yoda levels of cute. Okay. So adorable. However, her cuteness is offset by how fucking terrifying dolls were in the year 1959. They are 75 feet long. Their eyes are made of the dead rotten eyes of local foxes. Their hair is the fire of Satan. These are the craziest looking toys I've ever seen. And look, I see old fashioned stuff. And I'm like, I get it. We knew what people looked like. Right? That's a change. Nope. This isn't ready yet. I'd say we're about 500 steps away from

doll. But nope, she's, she's just lusting after this hell figuring that the Blair Witch would have turned down. Yeah, and also I cannot stress enough, not a single child smiles in this movie. No, never, no. No, he never smiles. No, it's not me. It's wild. She seems so sad. It makes me worried about onset practices.

Yeah. All of the child actors seemed miserable. Yeah. None of them seemed there to be their volunteer. This is not a union contract. He didn't go well. No. If you told me that this was Lupita number three and they'd lost the second during the

fire dance, I'd be like sure. Or explain the performance. Yeah. I love this moment too, because what we're watching, we're watching a bunch of kids like gathering in a window, looking at a Christmas display and there's this creepy robot Santa cackling in the background the whole time. So, uh, but then the narrator goes like, we do a couple of kids push their way to the front and he goes, who are these kids? And I'm like, I don't know, man, you're the fucking narrator. Don't you ask me shit. But Satan looks at these kids and he thinks, ah, there's my boys.

So he talks him into stoning robot Santa, which hurts real Santa. Yes. The physics of this world are really hard to work out. They're hard to work out. That said, I can go buy a fake Santa and find some petroleum jelly and fuck up Santa's They're like $11 at Walmart. I'm testing this out. He always got really weird lawn decorations for the holidays. All right, so meanwhile, okay, so we're up in Santa's cloud castle.

And boy is he eager to give the devil a what for, right? Yep. Yeah. And I guess this is also where we meet Pedro, another adorable little Mexican kid who's going to help Santa locate the little girl that fought off Santa's temptations using his incredibly terrifying magic telescope. Oh, is this the giant lips of horror that I'll never sleep again? Yes, yeah, the giant fleshlight.

Yes, there was, I think we can all agree why Santa installed giant robot lips on his wall. Yes. I have a feeling this didn't start out as a telescope that Pedro just walked in and he was like, Hey, what's this room, Santa? Tell us all. Oh, let's tell us all. To tell us for looking around. The Melis for telling me what it's found.

Why is it wearing lipsticks? Shut, shut, a Pedro? Why don't you go down there and sing Maryhead a little lemon, Thanos, some more? Stop asking somebody fucking questions. Thanos is going to inspect you for a second. That's what he's mumbling in Spanish. That's why they overrode it. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, but he has, basically what we're supposed to learn from this scene is that he has surveillance equipment that would make Alexa blush. Yeah. And I love this is maybe my favorite thing that I've read. I almost went with best worse telescope, by the way, but this is where we get to meet my favorite character in the movie Earth. So Pedro goes, he said, I think I found her with the telescope. Santa looks through the telescope. Pedro has found Earth. So he narrowed it down to the nearest heavenly body. But his earth, first of all, all the land masses are wrong and way too big. But secondly, and far more importantly, it's spinning the wrong way. It's, it's

spinning the wrong way. And it's not even close to the color, right? It's not 59. Yeah, it's all proud. All one color. Yeah, a fucking earth looks different from Mexico. Apparently, yeah, that was that father the fuck out of me. I'm like, okay, we're setting up the Muslim apocalypse. And also each time it's a spoiler, they use this sexual telescope more than once. And each time that they use the telescope, it's probably 10 minutes to for the little eye to come out. Unbelievable. Yeah. And we sit through that every single kid has a little incantation here to do it. Wake it up. We sit to that every time. Yeah. All right. So now, we're speaking of creepy. The fucking dolls were in 1959, Mexico. Imagine what the goddamn

puppets looked like. Because it's time for loopy to watch a gay porn Muppet. Sorry, an S&M gay porn Muppet show. I did write, are these two puppets gonna fuck you? It was not, but it wasn't an S, it was an S and S puppet show, right? They were mismatched, but yeah. And so she watches this terrifying nightmare, pond puppet show. And then as they're walking away, Lupita starts thinking about stealing a doll and the narrator just about threatens to shoot himself in the face if she goes through with it. Again, so again, the narrator will constantly switch from like distant narration to directly speaking to

the character. Yes. So fucking weird. He's like, no, Lupita, don't do it. In Satan's show shop, right? And he's like, yeah, take that doll, see? You could have it. And I just want to point out, Satan makes some great points here.

She's like, no, I would be good and not steal the doll. And Satan's like, you don't have any fucking money. That's like, no, I will be good and not steal the doll. And Satan's like, uh, you don't have any fucking money. That's the way you're getting a doll. If you want a doll, that's how it happens. Yeah. But she puts back the doll. Satan is duck noises level of men. And I'm sure that's like that famous Mexican clowns sticky. Just a little duck noise thing or whatever makes no fucking sense to me. Suddenly he starts cracking. Okay. All right.

So now we go back to the cloud castle. Santa is celebrating Lupita's great accomplishment in not stealing the thing. And then Pedro has to zoom in the telescope on the other kids. This is the second time we're going to sit through the 10 minute telescope zooming in routine. Yeah. Right? Nearly in consecutive scenes, but this time the kids are looking at his sleeping show. They peek in on his dreams. You can't even dream, Ben still.

Yeah, right. That's the bear. Thought crimes. They have to investigate thought crimes, the movie. Yeah. Yeah. San to investigate thought crimes, the movie. Yeah, right. So culture has gone too far. And I wrote my notes, man, if that kid is old enough, he could get a super unpleasant surprise, Santa.

You got to be careful. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be his dream of him fucking a puppet of Santa. Yeah, right, right. He's like, wow, that kid's dream. And I have an lips on his walls. Why don't you kids? Why don't you guys all look at something else for a minute? All right, but now okay, so we're checking in on that poor little rich kid's dream. So this is

the first time, not the last, that we're going to learn that yes, that kid may have a lot of money, but his parents fucking hate him. Right? And all the toys in the world can't substitute for parents that don't fucking hate you. Yep. Also, this is where we get my favorite character in the movie, Japanese kid, who is actually speaking Japanese, but the guy who translated this into English could not find a Japanese speaker. So he just translated everyone else's lines. And the Japanese guy just said guy doesn't get a dub. So he's just like, Hey, something in Japanese

and saying, like, yep, you said it. Whatever. The dream is a wish the heart makes. But all time Santa Claus is doing the C3PO form of translation. Everybody's speaking different languages to him. And he's speaking English back. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. So we check in on the kid dreams of getting two big presents that have his mom and his dad in it. They love him in the dream. It's fucking sad. But it's not terrifying. For that, we'll have to check in on Lupita's dream. Yes. So before we actually look at the dream, we watch her asleep, you know, and she's laying on the bed. Dad gets up and puts his coat on top of her because she looks cold. And I'm like, she has a blanket.

She's sleeping on top of it right now. You can keep your fucking coat. I mean, I get the gesture or whatever, but just tug the blanket up over. That's why you have it. He lays it on a puddle next to her bed there. There we go. Just here. And what's amazing about that moment is you can see the actor being like, there's a blanket. It's not what this gesture is. Are you sure? I can just use the blanket. Okay,

okay. Don't hit me. And then so shit. Yeah, she's laying there being all poor and everything and then the devil shows up and starts blowing on her like she was hot soup Which is uncomfortable very very uncomfortable. Yeah, so but apparently that's how Satan makes you have a Satan dreams So we watch the nightmare I will have until I die. Lapita's nightmare and yours. Oh my God. Right. So okay. She's in a room that's filled with smoke and there's giant presence all around her. And they all have giant dolls in them, which are, you know, dancers that are dressed like dolls. But first of all, they move like to chick from the ring. And secondly, everything about them is goddamn terrifying. Like the imagery of the doll heads they gave them and everything, everything about it is

nightmare shit. Yeah. Yeah. Someone who was costumeing these dancers was like, hey, sorry, I've never seen a doll before. They're basically scarecrows, but scarier, right? Oh yeah, another thing they are. Yeah, cool, cool. These costumes will be great then.

Yeah. I was impressed that this little actor was able to not be terrified on stage, right? Well, they all acted like this little actor wasn't even on set. Like, she kept getting whipped in the base by their clothes and nearly trampled by all the mister prairie dress like the most terrifying Coachella. I'm happy with what? Well, I'm topping that because they've got like fog on the on the floor the entire time, but of course, when you start dancing, you kick up the fog.

So the little girl just completely disappears from the fog over and over again. You're so worried about her because they're kicking around. And you're like, you guys really haven't been paying attention even when she was visible. Yeah. And to be clear, this is 1959 fog. So that was just cigarette smoke. They just blew a bunch of cigarettes smoke in that little girl's face. Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, so as they dance around for I don't know 23 minutes. Yeah, far too long. 12 hours. 12 hours. The fat, tripped up. Yes. Thank you.

But then once they're done, they try to convince Lupita that she needs to steal dolls. Oh my God. The face. So terrifying. So it is truly a zone shut bag with two giant buttons for eyes. This was a movie that was sold as a Christmas film for children. If you were unlucky in 1959, your parents would be like, hey, they're showing a special matinee down at the thing, kiddo.

Enjoy that movie and then it was a doll with a sewn shut mouth being like, you should steal Satan commands you. I'm just saying I have more sympathy for the boomers than I ever have. Yeah. Yeah. No wonder they screwed us all. Yeah. They had to stare at this resting, horrifying doll face. Yeah, right. Right. They took a look at this movie and they're like, you know, we need as a fucking hole in the ozone layer.

Got it. Yeah, we got to get more judges. This is getting out of hand. But there's also this great moment where like the dolls are like Lupita, you should steal a doll and she says, no, I don't want to be bad. And they're like, but dollies like bad girls. We don't like cowards that are afraid to steal. And I'm like, I gotten so much trouble from this argument when I was thinking.

She wasn't terror dolls making that, making the argument that time. But anyway, okay. So but she wakes up. She thwarts the devil, she's too good for him. And then now we're back in cloud castle, we're Santa Stretting to kick Satan in the balls if he ever gets a shot at him. Watching Santa's smack talk from his space castle is this, a curb stump that red mother fuckers. Yeah. But a Pedro thinks that it's time that they check in on the three boys that through those rocks at robot Santa. And I just want to say their evil has clicked up several notches from the beginning of this

movie. Yeah. We check on them and they're like, let's kill our parents and overthrow the government. But before we can check in on a, we have to go through this zooming in the telescope thing again. Again. Again. Yep.

Again, because those flesh lips were promised there's three times. I don't want to say what they did to earn it, but those flesh lips were promised there's three times. You know what they did. So, all right, so yeah, so the three bad kids, we check it on them, they're hiding under their bed, plotting quietly, they're like, let's break a window and steal a toy. It's fun to be bad, Santa doesn't care about us. And then these are shit talking Santa, right?

They're like, you know what, the thing about Santa is he's fat and he's old and he's lazy and he's a bitch. And then we cut to Santa going like me. I'm trim. Yeah, we get Santa being like Santa's gonna start working out again. You'll see. Yeah, right. I just got ring fit. I have ring fit now. Chinese kid. Get me to the gym. Yeah. Look at this 19 year old Santa is dating. Huh? We should all get dinner sometime. I'm five. And Santa actually points out that he's young compared to biblical creation. I'm like, you know, you're not selling it. And Santa actually points out that he's young compared to biblical creation. I'm like, you know, you're not selling it. And then he gets on the mic and tells

those kids to go fuck themselves. And the kids are like, wait, did, did Tamish just tell us to fuck ourselves? We were talking shit about Santa and then we very clearly heard Santa's voice tell us to fuck her. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I think Santa needs a minute to take some deep breaths. So we're going to pause for a quick break, but when we come back, this movie will still be on. All right, guys, gather around. Today, we take the first steps to make Mexico's greatest Christmas movie. Yay! So what have you got for me? Well I rode the it's a small world after all ride at Disneyland twice.

Okay. I looked at the front of many Christmas picture books. All right. And I just want to be clear you guys think you can cobble together a classic Christmas film from writing a children's ride and looking at the front of children's books. Um, yes. Also, yes. Okay, let's do it.

This is going to be great. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to open up this time on that rich kid right in the letter to Santa about how all he really wants is for his parents to love him. So sad. So dark. Also, it transitions into just general kids writing letters to Santa, which was very confusing because he goes, all I want for Christmas is not to be alone.

And I want a little brother. Hey, who's my age? And I didn't realize that that was a different kid writing. So I was like, wow, that's a, that's quite a fucking ass to ask your brother, your age. Yeah. But yeah, we get this letter writing much as montage of a bunch of kids writing letters to Santa.

And I love this one. Like we get the little orphan kid writing, all I want for Christmas is a Papa and maybe even a mama and then we cut immediately to this rich business kid who's sitting in this business office desk or whatever little child I want to train in a wash that I want all the train tracks in the country. I wrote I wrote my notes. Wait, what did that other kid ask for? Well, no, I feel like an asshole. I didn't realize Who doing comparative fucking letters here? Do both And watching these little kids write and fake right

Yes, yes, so funny Swiggles, squiggles, squiggles, squiggles, like they're writing a manifesto Quigal, Quigal, Quigal, Quigal, Quigal, like they're writing a manifesto. And they love the like village people variations that we get from kid to kids, right? It's like we're moving our way up the class ladder or or so. All right, so now we had to the post office

where they're sorting the letters to Santa. And one guy's job. Santa. Santa. He's letter to Santa and go Santa Claus Santa Claus Santa Claus Santa Claus. Just use your inside voice man. Santa Santa. Mama Mama Santa. Santa Santa.

And once again, we watch him do this for four and a half minutes and say, well, trim the fucking fat. Tram the fat. But I did love, okay, so this was kind of cute. The way the post office takes care of it when they get a bunch of letters for Santa is they dump them in the chimney and then they fly up through the chimney and out into the cloud castle. And all over Santa's face and chest in a way that can only be described as e. Money shot. Thank you.

Thank you, Rebecca. You get it. Yeah, right. Yeah, put those letters all over my face. Yeah. You just as they're reveling in it and all its bucaki glory and the poor's down upon him. Yeah, no, there's only one way to interpret this. It's like the lips and the walls guys.

Yes. Yes. All right. So now Santa starts reading the letters. I wrote my nose. He reads Santa reads on the show, but he does. And for the second time in what a month and a half we have a kid who wants an atomic laboratory What the fuck is going on in the universe? Okay, to be fair that was Vladimir Putin's letter as a child

I'm okay with the future president That's so funny I wrote Kim Jong-un Yeah, right And I love we get Santa like seeing right through the bad liar kids And I love we get Santa like seeing right through the bad liar kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a judgy bitch.

Yeah. No. Absolutely. There's also the one where he reads open the letter. It's like, dear Santa, please bring me a little brother. I just wanted like the porn music to kick in. And then whenever it's just like, gotcha, buddy. That's why Santa has his sleeping dust. We'll get to a new one. And it's like, got you, buddy. That's why Santa has his sleeping dust.

We'll get to it in the movie. No one. All right. So now we get to see where Santa heads down to the factory floor to tell all the workers that he's turned the org chart upside down to emphasize that the workers are the top of the company. And then he fucking leaves two seconds later. He's at boss.

I wrote, oh my god, Santa's every boss at Christmas who pretends you're on a team or some shit. Fuck you. Right. Never could do it without you. So you do all the work. I couldn't do it. So I'm unfyrabble. No, I didn't think so, Santa. We're all a family now. Get back to work, motherfuckers. And I'll be laying off half of you after this season. Yeah, right. Right. Like a family.

And then by the way, okay, so if you're ever showing this to a friend who's never seen it, stop right there and bet him a billion dollars to a donut that they don't know which character we're about to introduce, right? You will get a donut every fucking time because now it's time for us to meet Merlin the wizard. Merlin the wizard, everybody. Get ready.

Ridiculous. Who is apparently I don't know Santa's Q in this universe. Right? He's like, here's a a packet gum that explodes if you chew it and oh by the way Here's some the sleeping powder for the children you asked me for Over and over again. Yeah, and here's a tiny umbrella gun Right, but but he's Q with dementia He's like Merlin. What do you have for me this Christmas? Are you my daughter?

No, Merlin. Um, do you have a, also, so what he does give him, I just want to point this out is sleeping powder and a flower that turns you invisible and the, however, the ingredients for that are, according to Merlin, uranium and plutonium. Those are among the ingredients in the sleeping powder.

Yes. So I wrote my notes, man, me and Merlin have very different definitions of sleep. Yeah. So Merlin goes to this giant flowers to mix Santa's child roofies together. And by the way, this actor showed up on stage, put a gun to his own fucking head and said, there will be 11 minutes of my silly walk in this movie, right? And I will do my own undersc, I did. I'll have a wacky sound drink. We can't afford a wacky sound drink.

I will, I have a wacky sound drink. And this is like, it's the best wizard in an improv scene. I've ever seen. It's so like, well, I am a crazy wizard. It's like the most overacted, horrible bit. He keeps doing this bit where you'll get all the way to the flowers and realize he forgot his urn. So silly walk back and come.

There's never a reason he just doesn't over it over again. I so appreciated this guy because it's like, you know, nobody's reacting, but he's just going with it. He's going to make it work. It's like watching Eli bomb. I was just going to say it's like me bumming. So joke that doesn't land in a live show, the wizard. So Santa gets his invisibility flower in his roofy powder and then Santa has to go see

his private blacksmith. Oh, good, good old pubes. There is a backstory there that I am missing and really, really want because he's like, here's Santa, here's your key that opens every door. Please let me be free. No. Can I have a shirt? Yeah, I work around fire.

My chest here is kind of gross at all like asymmetrical and curly. I mean, at the very least I should have this shirt. Yeah. The blacksmith is played by the Geico caveman. Yeah, right. But now, okay. So, he gives him the golden key that'll open all the doors and now it's time for Santa to work out. And he's got one of those chick-leaband things, which must have been like the shake weight

of the 1950s, right? Yeah. What was that based on? Like, why did people think that worked? We see it in old movies all the time and everyone's always just like, I remember that, but no one's ever been like, yeah, until 1962, we thought you could just shake the fat off your body. Sorry, our pants.

Yeah, I mean, if it was, if I couldn't point to even dumber, shit, people are buying as exercise equipment now, that would be really hard to explain. But yeah, yeah, we have people who shove bleach up their asses. Okay. So that's where point taken. All right. So Santa does his little shake weight thing and then he practices his chimney squats. And then the narrator comes in like Santa's body coach go and see Santa's not as fat as

you thought he's looking pretty good. I bet you thought we's looking pretty good. I bet you thought we wouldn't follow up on that Santa body shaming segment. Well, you were fucking wrong. Now you're going to watch Santa drink a protein shake, even though it feels weirdly full and sick. So all right. Now, now it's time to check out Santa's sleigh and his canonical bionic reindeer.

Oh, it's so terrifying. Yeah. Okay, first of all, Santa's sleigh is so very clearly a converted golf cart and that makes me sad. Very, very sad. I also like, honestly, I thought the robot reindeer was kind of a cool touch. I noticed they could only afford four of them. I get it. I get it. Also Russian kid comes over and tells him to turn his reindeer into Sputniks. Yeah, right and they have a weird little argument about whether or not reindeer are the ideal spacecraft and Santa's like

I'm done having this argument with you to meet readers fucking drama. Okay having this argument with you to meet readers, fucking drama, okay. Okay. And this is where we learn the stakes of the movie. Oh my God. Yes. So the stakes of the movie is, if Santa's not back children's movie,

if Santa's not back by morning, his reindeer will turn to dust and he will starve to death because in space, he eats clouds. Yep. And down on earth, humans eat smoke. Yes. Look, I get the first part.

The people who made this movie know that humans don't eat smoke. It's so... Well, the little Pedro, he asks, he's like, what do humans eat down on earth? And he goes, humans eat most of the animals and plants on the earth. I'm like, no, you're doing it, wrong man.

That was a fucking cactus. Not even close. This is it. So okay, so now is international child slave delegations, sing them off and loads his bag up. With frowns on their face. Yeah, yeah, none of them have a good time with this. Yeah, and I'm just imagining that they're all like, oh, have fun, Santa, bye.

Quick, we have to get out before we get down. Right, right. Yeah, exactly. It starts stringing together bed sheets. This is a long way down. They'll take down their feral faucet posters. Okay. Exactly.

All right. So yeah. So he gets all his toys. They have this weird singing bit where Santa's not even trying to fucking rhyme. And then he has to wind up his reindeer. Uh huh. He's got the big key. He has to stick in them and wind them. And until then the reindeer were not also Creepy as fuck. Yes, but they they come to life when he winds them

Everything in this movie is unnecessarily terrifying. Yeah, so Santa's off we have this this bit where he's like, oh, Santa almost hit the moon, but don't worry because you know the moon that's in space. Right. Santa's drinking and slaying again. Yeah. Right. The family doesn't talk about it, but you know, yeah, DWS. Everyone's. All right. So then we cut Satan on a rooftop, rethinking his life. I just just blew somebody behind a dumpster. I don't know what's supposed to be happening here, but Satan does not look to be having a good time. Yeah, he's having the crack shakes.

Yeah. Okay. I wrote Satan is in Chicago shooting up on a rooftop. Yeah. And then we cut over to the rich kids parents going like, all right, it's Christmas Eve. We're off to not be around you. How fun sleeping with that toy rifle you're apparently holding.

Why do you keep putting that into your mouth and saying, I want to go like Walt Whitman, cut it out. Come on. Oh, and then okay, we got over the way. Hemingway, Hemingway is the one not with. Yeah, right. No, I was wondering where you were going with that. But okay, so the, we cut over to the three bad kids.

They're on the rooftop that's Devilson planning to mug Santa. Man, baby El Chappo is hardcore. Oh. Oh. man, baby El Chappo is hardcore. So and then we see Lupita, she's going to bed and she's not so sure about this Santa dude. She thinks he's kind of a dick for not bringing her good stuff like he brings for the rich kids, right? She's right. Yep. And she's, she's really back in mom into a corner here because she's like, mama, if Santa brings me a second doll, I will let the baby Jesus have my second doll.

And she's like, all right, let's not be crazy with the second doll talk. Even really the first doll talk. I don't know if you saw, but your dad tried to give you a jacket for Christmas earlier. And it didn't take so. But then he took it back because he had to go outside. And her mom's advice to her here is to like really pray, you know, really, really pray. Don't have acid, Lupita, which is terrifying when you consider that she's the mom and knows her child isn't getting in tall.

Right. Yeah. consider that she's the mom and knows her child isn't getting in the doll. Right, because she's clearly setting up for the well. You must have asked that prayer, Lupina. Excuse later, yeah. And then she compares their poorness to Jesus. And like, oh no, I mean, Jesus was poor, so we're doing good. Yeah, right. We're not as poor as Christ was.

Yeah, you were born in a living room. That's way better, huh? Run. All right. So meanwhile, Santa's dropping in on Mexico City, and the devil is going to push the chimney out of the way so that Santa can't get it. We're going to Wily Coyote this shit from here on out. And listeners, we will never communicate to you how slow and trudging these comedy bits are. If you watch, watch a Wiley Coyote cartoon on one fourth speed

on YouTube. We watch, we watch Satan stretch, we watch him limber up. We've picked a side of the chimney. He pushes it and then Santa goes through the door. Yeah, say it with me, listeners. Trap. No. Speaking of the fat, okay, so the guy that they've got playing Santa is, you know, an older and heavy dude, because he's playing Santa, but that means that like if they need him to climb down a rope ladder, we're in for seven minutes of this guy getting on to a rope ladder.

We will never communicate the speed at which and the frequency at which we watch this man gingerly climb down a ladder because he fell in a cut. We'll never see it. Right. Right. So yeah, but yeah, the chimney's no good. So he takes out his tiny little parasol and he jumps down and he goes in through the door. But then while he's in the house, some kids hear him in the living room.

Don't worry though, he has magic sleeping plutonium. So he Chernobyl's those kids out of his way. Also being super loud, rattling all the doors, talking out loud to himself. Yeah, no, he was looking for an excuse to use that roofie powder. Yeah. Yes. And then there's this wacky little bit where the devil pushes the chimney back into place and Santa blows up all over his face. Great. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. All right.

So now we're at another house. The devil is doing interpretive dance as you wait, Santa. Yes. Cause again, this is this like famous clown doing his bits, right? Right. But no one who made the English version of the movie gets it. So it's just like, there's the devil again. Being weird.

Fuck. Fuck it. Yeah. Acted all gay. Yeah. So yeah, but okay. So Satan's plan this time is he's going to let a fire in the chimney. So Santa can't get down through there. And then he's going to make the door handle really, really hot. A la Kevin McAllister. So the change of the devil. Right. Right.

Yes. Look, a lot of home alone is stolen from the 1959 movie Santa Claus. I'll give you all a mccoly Satan. Yeah. Um, but of course Santa sees what the devil's doing and he comes in through a window instead. Well, not before he burns his butt and paths it a lot, 11 minutes. You ever been in a public restroom with another dude and you're done peeing and you're shaking and he's shaking and then you realize he's jerking off, that's the butt padding that Santa does in the scene.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, we're back up and absolutely really. Someone listening will get that. Someone listening, I'm going through. Someone's used a public restroom with me. We go to what I was doing. Yeah. Eli, you should stop jerking off next to people in public bathrooms. I tell you what you know, tell them one time. See if that works. Tell them one time. See how

that does. Yeah. So, uh, all I'm saying is you're a little late to this party. All right. So yeah. And by the way, so we get Santa sneaking around behind the devil. He has a flower that turns him invisible. He forgets that a lot. Yes. But this is also where he finds the toy cannon that he can use to shoot the devil in the ass, which means that among the toys that he was going to give to a child was a cannon with which you could shoot a dart into someone's ass. 1959, when all the toys were meant to kill you. Not just good. None of this 1970s pussy bullshit. Oh no, it accidentally makes sparks. It was a plane. The golden generation gearing up for World War three. Yeah, I guess.

Powered shirt thing here. This is when kids played like men. My first artillery piece. Yeah. All right. Well, let's say, what this is the first Christian movie we've watched that's actually gone all the way to anal penetration. So we're going to pause to celebrate. But first, let me give you back through the hard sell here. Will Mexican Santa get detained when he tries to enter the US? Will short-round and Indy show up to lead Santa's helpers to freedom? Will Santa and the devil cut the sexual tension and fuck already. Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the harrowing conclusion of...

Santa Claus. Pfft! My millions gather around and hear my orders. Yes, Lord Sated. Each of you has been given an evil to do this Christmas. Do not fail me. We won't. Balthazar, you shall make that weird, deep puddle thing

next to a curb. You know, it looks like snow, so you step on it, but then you end up ankle deep in water. Oh, that's the worst. Exactly, it's terrible. Yeah, and Lilith, Lilith, you are going to make the women of the world get a little too drunk at the Christmas party

and kind of flirt with people they aren't interested in. Oh, and then like, he'll try to make it be a thing when it's not a thing. Exactly, he'll try and make it be a thing when it's not a thing. And me, Satan? Oh! Pitch! Right? Ah, of course I have something for you. I'll tell you what, why don't you prank Santa Claus?

Prank Santa Claus? Yep, that is what I said. You can fuck up his sleeey, make little girls steal that stuff. You don't have that a great out? Okay. Okay. What? No, I just, it seems a little like, you thought those guys

stuffed through really well and I might seem scared to add it on. Just like, what? No! Yeah, no, I'd always planned this. You, um, also,, also you can murder Santa. If you get the chance. Again. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, with a murder prank. If you, a murder prank. Yes. Yeah, whatever. Okay, pitch, don't do this. No, you know what, it's fine. It's fine. He's mad.

He's totally mad. I'm not mad. Just upset. And we're back for still more of this shit. And once again, we're gonna open up on that poor little rich kid whose parents fucking hate him. He wanders downstairs to see if there's any love there. There's not.

By the way, he was told by his parents, if you get lonely while we're gone, just go downstairs and practice those fucking piano lessons we've been paying for. And look, I'm not unsympathetic to this kid. I'm just saying there were maybe other kids who had it worse in Mexico City in 1959. So yeah, so we watch them play the piano. We watch them sit in the front of the fire movie gold. You can't, you can't lose any of this. And then we watch him sit in front of the fire long enough to fall asleep. Yeah. In real time. Yes.

Yes. And okay. So once he's asleep, Santa shows up. Santa starts by blowing him a kiss. That's uncomfortable. And then he put some toys down by the unwrapped toys down by the tree and everything. And then he leans in real close like he's going for the kiss. And then he says, I'm going to let you see me in a way that I very rarely let anyone see me. Okay. Now let's, let's just be clear that if they had just at this point

in the movie, if they had reenacted the stripper scene from her. This is our favorite movie. But now okay, but now he uses, Santa's powders are so unnecessarily convoluted. He uses a powder that makes the kid dream that he's woken up. You'll dream of not dreaming double. You'll wake up, but not in your dream. God damn it, Merlin. This is so damn complicated. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Leonardo DiCaprio shows up and goes, no, no, no, man, this is way too much. Way too much. And then Santa has this great light. So the kid wakes up and he says, Santa, Santa, say you love me. I want someone to love me, anyone. And then Santa says, and I quote, I love you just as much as your parents,

because nobody loves a child as much as their parents, is the line. And hope to God, that's not true. Yeah, I want to send it to like brush him off. Like I love you, Santa, you love me. And I it to be like wow, um, you know, I feel like we're having a great time and I don't know. There's a, the thing about my last relationship ended really badly with the little boy. He's a slave in my ice castle in the sky now.

I don't want to get into it. It's made his name, and I kind of got these lips on a wall. It's all stuck in. We got these wall lips and we don't like labels. But. All right. And then, okay, so then we go and we check in on rich kids' parents at their Christmas Eve. Fuck the kids at my right party.

I think that's super in line with 1959. Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. And then so there at this restaurant, we see somebody come by and go like, here, drink this smoking beverage you didn't order. Oh, Brooklyn cocktails. Yeah, I was going to say I credit where credits do both Rebecca and I are like, I hate it when servers

push the mixed drink. And boy, he pushes it hard, right? This is like that scene in Jackie Brown where Samuel Jackson has to talk Chris Tucker into the fucking trunk, right? He's like, here, drink this cocktail. They're like, we don't, that's smoking. It doesn't look like a beverage. It looks like dry ice.

And there's that dry ice. And it goes, only people who love to drink this drink. What? Never take anything from anyone who tells you anything like that. Yeah, what about people without love? Oh, for them, this is just steaming bleach. But for you, it's a delicious cocktail. So eventually they decided to drink the guy, because basically like the waiter's just like, what are you, you, you're too scared to drink it?

You don't think you have real love or you guys not in love? Why don't you want to drink my beverage? And the day's like, I'll drink that fucking beverage. I'll drink it with my mouth. So he drinks the thing. And then the waiter disappears and mom's like, I don't think that was a waiter at all. I think that was Santa Claus. Oh my God. And he's like, wow, that must have hit you fucking hard. Let's get you home. And they're both like, well, that's strange. I suddenly have the urge to interact with our offspring. Let's go home have the urge to interact with our offspring. Let's go home because it's Christmas fucking Eve. And then we see the most awkward family embrace. Thank you. They're just rubbing their

faces against one another while facing out towards the camera. It's very odd. Yeah. Yeah, boy, we take away the camera and that's an even weirder embrace. Yeah. I have never rubbed my face against my mother and father's face at the same time. No, I am. Apparently, my parents didn't love me either. I guess.

All right. Hear me out, mom and dad. I want to motorboat your faces. All right. So meanwhile, the bad kids are still planning to mug Santa. Santa, and I love this bit where the bad kids are still planning to mug sent Santa and I love this bit worth when kids like, hey, I just had a great idea that suddenly makes us carrying all this rope up here makes sense.

We'll use it as a trip line, right? And they test it. Yeah, they go like, wait, wait, wait, yep, it's a rope. It is a rope. And we watched them test it. And then Santa, all right, you guys correct me. If I'm wrong, I'm willing to be wrong on this. Fire's a warning rocket at them. Absolutely shoots a surface to air missile. Well air to surface. But yes, yeah. So yeah, okay.

So yeah, they he explode. He fires a fucking flare off him and then they're like, oh, I'm blinded, I'm blinded and they all like stumble off the rooftop. Did they're on? Yeah. Today, we learned that Santa is Israeli. So that's a fun moment. But then I love to because like Satan's there and he's been manipulating these kids all along. And so now they're turning on each other. Yeah. And then they start fighting and the and the devil's like, mission accomplished.

Got three six year old boys to fight each other. I am the devil. Just imagine him coming downstairs and bragging to Satan about that. I got children to fight. What do you mean they do that? Anyway, this is the fucking worst. I'm gonna go visit my parents. They were gunna mugs. Santa, but he fired a missile. I didn't think he was gonna fire. I did not know he had missiles in that thing. All right. So yeah, we haven't seen this enough. Now it's time to watch fucking Santa climb down another chimney. Yeah, my notes for this scene are, hey Tim, before we cast you in our movie, you can climb a ladder, right? Oh, yeah, totally, totally, totally, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

totes, totes, magoats. Yeah, a ladder is a stairs, right? Right, right, right, those you use your hands, your hands. I knew that. I knew that. Yeah, so, so he goes down the chimney, Satan climbs up his sleigh, he's gonna steal it. But unfortunately the radio or voice activated I guess. So he can't do that or their union. It was unclear. Just like, uh, I can't get

the. Sorry. We only answered to the laughter of a serial killer. Yeah. Right. This movie was in real danger of having stakes for a second there, but don't worry. Well, yeah. And it almost does again, because right, like, so he looks down and he realizes that Santa's coming up that rope ladder fast. So he pulls out a pair of scissors to cut not the rope ladder. Instead, he sneaks around the side and he cuts open the bag that Santa keeps his sleeping roofies in. Which again, I keep siding with this little bit. Yeah, right, right. Yes. Because he's like, I'll take away these drugs. You keep spraying on children. Yeah, which you have admitted contain your ranyum and plutonial. Yeah, I'll take away your child, periquot here.

Yeah. So, but yeah. So now we get Santa going to yet another house thinking he still has this powder and his magic flower, but he doesn't. So when he walks by a dog, he's like, ah, shakes his dick at the dog. You can't get me. I have an invisibility flower. Fuck you. Fuck you, dog. And then he starts walking away and Satan's like, Ha, ha,

and unleashes the dog, right? Yeah. And I'm like, if this movie goes full kujo from here, if we cut to like four days later in Santa's in that tree starving, I would love this, but no, it doesn't quite know. Yeah, but, but the, but the dog does tree Santa. Yep. Which was step two of, of Satan's plan. The step three is to go whisper to all the sleeping adults that they should shoot any fat men that they find in trees in their yard, right? Okay. Again, little more behind the scenes here. Okay.

So the father in this movie was the star of like a very famous 1959 like family comedy, except no one else in the family comedy agreed to be in this movie. So imagine if Archie Bunker was in a movie from the United States doing Archie Bunker, but no one else from the cast was in the movie. So it was just Archie bunker married to alternate universe family. We're not all getting at this point in the film. Oh my God. That makes this scene make so much more sense. So because this is characters that we've never met and we spend so much time with them doing stick about who's going to go like, yeah, we're there with him for like 10, 15 minutes of this movie now.

Yes. And what does he whisper to the wife? Is there any behind the scenes about that? And there is not sadly. Oh my God. Because every other thing is dubbed over. And then when he whispers to the wife, there's no dubbing. It's just like the actor was like, hey, do you want

to get out of here? Yeah, you remind me of a pair of lips. I have it. Oh, man, we'll talk about it. All right. So yeah, so Santa is up to tree. He's screaming for Merlin's help, but Merlin's nowhere to be found. Nobody's in the observatory with the giant lips. So, and dad, inside, the dad inside wakes up and gets his bedside pistol and he's like, I would love to go kill Santa. I have bone spurs. Would anyone else murder? I have a cough. Yeah, right, right. And then Santa or Satan, rather, I'm sorry, I have Santa and Satan in my notes so much that I have intermixed them a couple of times. Satan also makes someone call the police in their sleep.

Yeah. He has them call the fire department as well. That too, yeah, which is made doubly weird by the fact that the fire department does not believe the phone call until the phone shoots fire. Yeah. Oh, that's a real fire then. I'm gonna need some proof that you need the fire service, okay, it's Christmas.

And by the way, also at this point, Satan takes a break from all of this Santa trapping and goes to tell Lupita that Santa's not gonna bring her any toys because she's poor. Yeah. And again, mom is talking a huge game for a lady who we have not seen with a secret doll yet. Yeah, right? No.

So she wakes up, Lupita wakes up, mom does Santa hate me because I'm poor and the mom goes, honey, everyone hates you because you're poor. It's not just Santa, you're, yeah, you're pretty much fucked. Have you seen Roma? Yeah, and you're a klepto, honey. Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

But it's almost sunrise. Santa still hasn't come with her doll, so she's pretty much fucked. But then luckily, just then Pedro happens by Santa's magic ear and hears his pleas for help, right? That whole family is about to run outside to kill the prowler. The narrator is losing his patience. All the fucking gathered her. And I just want to say I really wanted Pedro to be like Christmas party drunk, trying to find a corner to like make out with a secretary somewhere. No, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. He's not in his, oh, shit, fuck, I forgot the lips are in here.

No, there's, there's a little for staples. All right. So yeah. So the fire department's coming, the police are coming, the red Cross is coming and Satan's there to talk some shit to Santa You know before everything falls apart for him, but Pedro is run to get Merlin now We have ourselves a good. I don't know six minutes or so of Pedro trying to talk Merlin into coming with him What's amazing is he's like Merlin Mer, you must come. Santa's in great danger and running like, hold up, hold up, hold up. I do not want to run for no reason.

What is happening? I have to do my own theme music. If you heard for earlier in the music, I'm going to do a whole song. Don't want to do this for no reason. Yeah, so Santa, he goes into the office, the observatory or whatever, and Santa says, Merlin, help me. I've been, you know, trapped up a tree by a dog. So Merlin checks the telescope.

We get to watch that bit again. To what? Make sure Santa's not making this shit up. I did theme music on the way here. I want to make sure you earn it. All right, so Merlin thinks about it for a while and he realizes that Santa just needs a cat because cats are the fucking best. So he's like, Santa, use your one of your wind up cats from your bag to distract the dog. And I should point out that Merlin Jeff Goldblooms is way to the magic cat.

Yeah. In a way that makes even less sense. He's like dog, dog beast, beast, beast, bread, fed, dead, unlucky, death, black cat, cat. Yeah, you need a robot cat. Get a robot. Right. Yeah. To get from dog to you should use a cat. Yeah, exactly

he has a nice step thing. Yeah. I was really hoping that this was going to end in a glorious shootout with the police Santa just pulls up. He got out of his seat and wrote to my little friend. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Exactly. Yeah, he's just, yeah, I love it. Yeah, but he gets away just in the St. Nick of time and the fire department. Yeah, thank you. The fire department puts out the devil because he's smoking because there's some smoke over there where the devil was. Yeah, and the, the narrator is like he's sure to get pneumonia from that.

And you know, pneumonia kills you. It's 1959. So that's so much more serious stakes we just established. Yeah, but in keeping with the movie, and very slow, unnecessarily long. Yes. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Well, watch well now he has pleuricy. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. And okay, then we check back in. The flower that turns you invisible had fallen in. We were like, oh, I wonder who's gonna get that. The narrator was, we weren't.

But the narrator's like, wow, I wonder who's gonna find that later. We check back in on it. It is fallen right into Lapita's house. This will never come back. Nope. No one will find it or anything All right, so Lupita's mom is dreaming of lightning and horror and then there's a knock at the door

And I'm like wow Santa's not even fucking try it at this point I see here take a fucking doll. I gotta go where I'll start to death But even worse even worse it's dad dad comes home and the mom's like, have you found any work? And he's like, no, you know, now that I think about it going out pre-dawn on Christmas morning was probably not the best time. I don't know. I thought maybe someone would be hiring a Santa Claus. I'm stupid.

Let me try and give the kid my jacket again. Damn it. She hasn't blank it. Yeah. So, yeah. So then, okay, Lupita wakes up to tell mom about the whole movie, right? She's like, no, don't worry, Santa left me a great doll on the patio. And mom's like, okay, no, I can work with this.

We'll say the neighbors took it. Yeah. Yeah. But sure enough, she goes out on the patio and there's a doll even bigger than her. It's a big stuff. I wanted mom to snatch it away. You know that's not your doll. That's so daddy doesn't kill again. And then mom, I love this crosses herself. Catholicism is weird. Yes. Thanks for the child size doll. Santa, I'm a Catholic. It's fine. It's fine. So I'll forehead chest shoulder. When in doubt. Yeah. Okay. So then I guess everybody has a very Merry Christmas, but the ending message of this is so goddamn weird, right?

So instead of it just coming up and setting Merry Christmas, it comes up and it says Blessed are those that believe for they shall see God Like a weird little fuck you to us right at the end. Wow. The fool in his heart says in his heart. There is no God The only miss heart says in his heart, there is no God. Merry Christmas, everybody. Yeah, and yeah. All right, yeah, so they all lived happily ever after, I guess, or the acid started to wear off for something, because it's over now.

So I have to ask though, because it's not like Christmas movies are usually good. Where does this rank in terms of the Christmas movies that you've seen? Uh, just above Fred Clause, just below the Santa Clause 6. Okay. All right. Are there six?

I don't know. Probably. Yes. Like outrage. What? Tim Allen's still working for that. Exactly. Fuck that.

Exactly. What Tim Ellen still working fuck that fuck that exactly. Um, I don't know. I think I have this has to be the worst one I've ever seen. Honestly, really worse than die hard three. Yeah. Uh, I think that one wasn't a Chris that one wasn't a Chris. The first two were Christmas movies. The third and I will admit I am not seeing any of the die hearts. What? I know. wasn't a Chris the first to her Christmas movies that I'm going to get shipped for this

on Twitter. I know I know I know we're totally going to have you back on for die hard three at some point. Okay. All right. Well, Rebecca, I cannot thank you enough for hanging out with us. It's been a blast. Always a blast to have you on and just one more time if our listeners wanted to hear more from you, where should they go? We can go on my Instagram at who is Rebecca vigil. I'm unfortunately on there. Awesome. Awesome. All right. So of course, we'll have that linked on the show notes as well.

And that is going to do it for our review of Santa Claus. That is not going to do it for the episode just yet, though, because we still need to pop out again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Santa with muscles. It's the whole Kogan Christmas movie, everybody. Thank you. Yes. I'm so jealous.

All right. Well, with that to look forward to, I guess we're gonna bring episode two 25 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Rebecca Vigil for suffering alongside us this week. And perhaps an even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation of patreon.com.se. God off. And thereby you're normally access to an ad free version of

every episode. You can also help us. It's done by leaving us a five star review end by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, citation aides, and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies.gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, or provided by the law, this is a P.M. Drittoris, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slantick, People of Drafts on Mars, although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used for permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath and right knee-life boxing, I'm Noel Eusion's promise to work hard

to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Pedro went on to lead a bloody slave uprising in the Cloud Castle and was murdered at the age of nine. The three naughty boys burned in hell forever. Santa was finally arrested after years of trapping children from all over the world, his face castle, and was sent to federal prison. Days later, he was found dead in his cell. Hashtag, Santa didn't kill himself. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.