God Awful Movies - 226: Santa With Muscles

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

This week, guest masochist Michael Marshall joins us to try to remember a time when these movies were noticeably worse than the British news cycle. --- Check out the Detective Trapp Podcast here: https://wondery.com/shows/detective-trapp/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I don't understand this. I want those at my house now. But if you do that, you will be definitively a bad guy because bad guys always love steam. If you go anywhere where the steam just roaming around free, it's a bad place because bad guys, they love steam but they've never learned how to control or harness it. All bad guys just have steam just escaping from vents and pouring out of the walls and it's just, they don't know what to do with it but they just harness it. All bad guys just have steam just escaping from vents and pouring out of the walls and it's just they can't they don't know what to do with it but they just like it. They like the ambiance that steam gives you.

It really into tea, their industrial amounts. Tea happening, I don't know. Something. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

Welcome back to God off the movies. For each week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host Heath N. Wright and sitting 600 miles to my left is my good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. How you doing, brother?

I'm doing an episode like this. This is my good friend Eli Bosnick Eli welcome back. How you doing brother? Doing an episode like this is my choice. You bright pink hot dog skin colored right now just as a little celebration. You like that's a sex tape reference that it's both. Yep, it's all the time. Sex tapes not sex tapes. That's all all Logan. He's going to be involved and let's explain why sitting 3820 miles to my right in the divided kingdom is my soon to be ex-European friend Michael Marshall Marsh. Before we get into it, what the fuck you guys doing over there? What kind of ridiculous country election arch conservative sociopath who looks like Gary Bucy's muffet? Yeah, we are two days out from the election results

and I am not in a good place by which I mean Britain. I am not in a good place. This is the problem you see with having an annual election is that it doesn't get better. It just means people get so disillusioned with the very concept of politics that they just vote in sort of spiting without thinking, I think, and oh, God, this is not been a good month. This has been a bad time.

It's not been a good few years and it won't be a good. The only saving grace is that the UK technically has something called Fix Term Parliament Act, which means we can only have an election every five years, and we've had three in the last four years. So we know that we've got an election next year, anyway, it's fine. It's fine. All right. All right. So it's been a bad bunch of years for just democracy. It might not be the system. That might not be it. Maybe we replace it. Might be just the smart people are in charge. I'm just saying, the Greeks did it. It worked pretty well. We're great for them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone was happy there.

Let's talk about something amazing with a Hulk Hogan movie instead. So tell us, Marsh, what will we be breaking down today? What will we be breaking down? Well, the welfare state, the national health service, the active union, also the field, right? Gotcha. Okay. Yeah. Well, we watched Santa with muscles. It's the story of a millionaire steroid salesman who bangs his head, gets convinced that

he's fictional and therefore saves an orphanage. This movie makes the argument that the only way you can get the rich to care about starving orphans is if you give them a bout of concussion and given the UK election results, fuck it, I'm willing to give that a go. Marsh walking around with a caesh behind the phone. Okay, now do you care? All right. Well, you guys heard it. Santa with muscles Hulk Hogan movie. Here we go. And Eli, Right, well, you guys heard it. Santa with muscles Hulk Hogan movie. Here we go.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the 2016 Hulk Hogan sex tape, but it didn't fill you with enough shame and existential dread, you will love this movie. So I'm going to make a startling argument. If Galker had used this movie as evidence, it would still exist. Right? If they had just been like, look, he allowed this to be on tape. There's no way he didn't know that other thing was happening. Oh, they put this up instead. All right, put the sex base tape back up. It's going to blow

my judge. I'm going to judge. You need to put that sex tape back up. Yeah. Have you guys seen the sex tape? It's impossible to find now. I have not seen it. I weirdly I didn't go looking for it. Liar. Okay. Eli, did you see it? I have not seen it. I have read the description. However, and it haunts my dreams like it. That just very much sounds like you're doing that thing where, you know, the book was better than the movie. It's like, yeah, they made a movie version of it, but it's better if you read it, it goes into more details as a whole other section. It's great.

I'm pretty sure that sex tape is the monster from Bird Box and I'm glad I didn't see it. Yeah, that sounds about right. Maybe the lawsuit was taking that into account. All right. Is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best to being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say the best worst sound mixing. Now, I know you guys have had some horror shows of the stuff that you've reviewed, but

this is a personal lowlight for me because there were times that two characters were walking through a room and I couldn't tell they were in the same room. I thought one of them was shouting from a cave because I just, the sound design was so, so bad. There were other times when they were stood outside and I couldn't hear the dialogue because the background noises of birds tweeting was so much louder than the dialogue. I couldn't hear a word that was going on. So this and what is with the fucking dubbing in this film?

It seemed like every other scene was badly duped and badly lip-synced, like it was a 70s kung fu film. It was some strange things going on here. Hulk and his friends doing backyard wrestling just off camera. There was some weird loud stuff out there. All right, I'm going to go with best worst authorship lawsuit. This is so amazing. This is pretty fantastic. Apparently, the original script writer put together a goddamn masterpiece, but then they changed it so much that he filed a lawsuit to get his name removed.

He sued them to not use his name as an honor. And I just want to throw this out there. This has happened. The like author writes a script. Hulk Hogan does a bunch of coke on it and then changes all the words for multiple terrible movies that he is in. It's like it's this. And there's also the one where he's like a charity worker. I think it happened for Mr.

Nanny. Basically, every time Hulk Hogan's in a movie, he makes it so bad that the author's only choice is to sue them to remove it from his name to strike it from his leg. He holds barred, which is goddamn amazing. I love that move. So I was going to go with best worst mischances at one liners. This isn't that at it. This is an action movie for kids, because here's the thing, if it's not an action movie, it's way too violent. And if it's not a kids movie, it's way too weird.

It's a nightmare. So it's an action kids movie and a staple of both action and kind of kids movies are sort of defeat a bad guy one liners. This movie will miss literally each and every opportunity for those one liners. Like they thought Arnold Schwarzenegger improvises them on the spot. Oh, they'll miss them, but a few times Hulk Hogan will try for them. And I'm pretty sure he's doing improvisation there. He's trying to come up with a few of these one liners. A couple. They're so bad. It's the greatest. They're amazing. They're so good. You get to watch his stupid face think a few times. It's the best. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to take a quick break.

And then we're going to talk about the plot of this movie. I get it. Or we'll talk about Hulk Hogan sects. Tape somewhere. I don't know. I didn't see it. Maybe you can explain to me what you read about it. You can walk us through it verbally. Or we'll talk about Santa with muscles, whatever. What if guys think is better? We can do one or the other. Santa with muscles. Lululu, doing heat stuff. Heat stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, heat, will you do me a favor? Oh my god. Eli, what did you do? Oh, bitch. Yeah, I finally did it.

I whipped out all my teeth. No more buffing, no more buffing. From now on, I'm on EBB. Eli, okay, why don't you just use quip? That seems. What? Quip. Oh, it's the best, most convenient way to take care of your teeth.

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And of course, quip delivers fresh brush heads, floss, and toothpaste refills to your door every three months with free shipping. So the routine is always right. Join over three million healthy mouths and get quip today, starting at $25. Bob, Bob, Bob,, I've found pretty good. It does. It sounds better than you're speaking right now. And if you go to quip.com slash awful right now, you'll get your first refill free.

That's your first refill free at get quip.com slash awful spelled GT QIP dot com slash AWFUL. Quip the good habits company. Now, um, what would you want? Anyway, were you to this carrot for me? Yes, I, I will. Thank you. I'm going to eat some of it. No, not okay.

Or do you eat some? Yeah. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writers meeting for Santa with to eat some of it. No, not okay. Or do you eat some? Yeah. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writers meeting for Santa with muscles. Let's do it. Can't wait, brother. I see time to the bees. Oh, sorry, what? Oh, sorry, no, I gave the game away a bit. Sorry. Yeah, let me explain, brother. Oh, this is a plan. I found him in a silent last week and his movie ideas are just the best. I found him in a silent last week and his movie ideas are just the best. Okay, let's hear it, I guess. All right.

Two millionaires were friends as kids in an orphanage whose secret underground vault contains exploding jewels. It's going to stop right there. It's already nonsense. But some of them get, like, so one of them gets them knees, yeah. And I'm waiting up thinking he's Santa Claus because the other millionaires henchman plays an L for them all. What?

Stop interrupting him. So his Santa, he goes to save the orphanage against the millionaires evil team of scientist henchman, chemical guy and archaeologist, a doctor and electric lady. Just saying an electric lady. Brother, you're being rude, a doctor, and electric lady. Do you say an electric lady? Brother, you being rude. Rhett, no. Sorry, sorry. No, you said electric lady.

Go ahead, go ahead, yeah. So he punches them and the movie ends. Question, do you guys have any orange juice I can fuck? No. Oh, okay, well, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be having my breakfast on the moon and thank you. Oh, Klem. Klem, don't go to the moon, brother. See, you hurt us, Felix. You're just Felix.

Okay. Yeah, I see that. I mean, we're still going to use the movie. It's in 1996. We're using that. Yeah, it's 1996. Nothing good will be made for almost a decade from now. We're almost a decade from now. And we're back. And we're going to start off with a little girl doing a Vio of her letter to Santa. And it's mostly normal, but she is weirdly knowledgeable about a criminal organization that's taking over her town. And she's telling

Santa about like the Rico chart she's putting together. It's very decent. Yeah, I feel like we're going to find out that her parent that abandoned her was Elliot Ness. And the way thing is we've got all the sort of titles and the music going on and in the first seconds, you know, the pre-tiles, it couldn't say any more to me, horror. The music, the font, it's very kind of sort of craven-esque. It's seen up, and that is not the beat that this film plays at any other point, other than the first three seconds of the introduction. So it really threw me.

Yeah, I think they stumble into horror by accident, but that's not what they're going for now. Yeah, we should probably point out that there is, and this is an impressive and wonderful thing about this movie. There is no 60 second period in this movie that bears any resemblance to any other 60 second period in this movie. There's no connective tissue between any single minute of time in this movie and any other minute of time. We form a story because we're like story forming creatures, but if you told me this was just a random collection of pictures and sounds that I projected a Hulk, Ogan movie onto, I believe you. Right. So we learned right away that apparently some sort of James Spader from the 80s character is trying to take away the orphanage in the town. She lives in this orphanage.

We're about to find out. And also everybody's leaving town because the bad guy with the criminal organization is also taking over all the businesses in town. It's a weird situation. And she's also calling in Santa to like, to start his shift early and help deal with this. She's obnoxious. And that villain's name, by the way, is Edna Frost? I thought it was Edgar.

I have it down as Edgar in my mind. No, it is, it is Ebna, which is definitively not a name. It's not even close to a name. It's a distance away from several different names at once. It's, it's impressive. So I feel like that's someone being like Ebenezer and then Hal Cogan being like, that's not real. He would probably just be called Ebner and then being like, no, no, Halc, like Ebenezer is the name of Ebenezer Scrooge. It's a for Ebner. His name's Ebner. All right. You know, I did not even make the link to Ebenezer Scrooge,

even though this film wants to be like a modern retelling of a Christmas Carol, but a retelling by someone who's never read a Christmas Carol or even seen the Muppets Christmas Carol. So they've just heard, it's a modern retelling of the Christmas Carol written by someone who overheard someone else explain the plot of Christmas Carol on the bus, on the way to the movie studio for the meeting where they were selling a film. And then they've gone, oh, I've got it. This is it. I'll do this

a modern version. I think that's what happened here because this bears very little resemblance, but it's sort of in the same, it wants to be in the same place. As we've got the little girl's voice over, as she's talking about this evil plot, we see the evil mansion of the bad guy, and we know it's the evil mansion because steam keeps shooting out of little chimneys all around the grounds of the mansion. Those are amazing.

I don't understand this. I want those at my house now. But if you do that, you will be definitively a bad guy because bad guys always love steam. If you go anywhere where the steam just roaming around free, it's a bad place because bad guys, they love steam, but they've never learned how to control or harness it. All bad guys just have steam just escaping from vents and pouring out of the walls.

It's just they can't, they don't know what to do with it, but they just like it. They like the ambiance that steam gives you. They're really into tea. They're industrial amounts of tea happening. I don't know, something. Yeah. And the producer of this film, we also have to point out, this film is produced by Jordan Belford, a.k.a. the Wolf of Wall Street.

The actual Wolf of Wall Street is such a weird detail. But when you know that about this film, it explains so much of this film, because this must have been a prodigious amount of cocaine behind this film, you it explains so much of this film because this must have been a prodigious amount of cocaine behind this film. Oh, this film is the penny stocks of movies. Yes, absolutely. And let's be very, very clear. We did not mean that this is produced by the person who produced the movie, the Wall Street. No, no, this is produced by the subject of the film. Mr. Wolf. Yeah. Yep. Also, Mila Kunis is in this movie. It was weird watching the credits. Yeah.

She is. I was wondering how she was going to get in it and she's like creepily young in it and it was a little bit upsetting for me because I have a large crush on Mila Kunis. And I was like, oh, she's a child. You fucking it up. You fucking out. Oh, I got a deleted bunch of notes. I'm pre-rode a bunch of me, LaCoonous jokes. None of them. Yeah, I was just trying to do. We're trying to do Eli's color in the notes.

Yeah. That works. I do that a lot. Actually, you don't notice usually. Yeah, we're tired. By the way, Don Stark is also in it. He's the guy who plays, we're going to meet an elf character soon named Lenny, I believe, and Don Stark, who is Donna's dad from that 70s show is also in this and Mela Kunis

is in it. So there's this weird 70s show tie-in. That's amazing because that means that when they met up for that 70 70 show, the sitcom, he was like, Oh, we met doing it. She probably like held up a knife by him and he was like, nothing, we met doing drugs. We met doing heroin somewhere and she's like, yes, heroin somewhere. Yep. Also one last tie in Jordan Belfort was in prison and his cellmate was Tommy Chong who was also in that 70 show.

See all the connections. and his cellmate was Tommy Chong, who was also in that 70s show. Like, see? All the connections. I believe there is a God and he's telling us something. Yeah, exactly. The board and string grows and he's basement. And we see something here that's only going to make sense towards the end of the. I think that's going to make sense. Makes sense is a stretch, but we watch them, we watch the villains dragging someone's

Christmas tree away. Yes. So, I, and what we see is we cut to a commotion, and then we see the Christmas tree suddenly be yanked by a van with a chain. But I want to know, because this little girl is by the window, I want to see what happened just before we cut to that, because there's a line of people stood watching that Chris Treby dragged away who start yelling once it starts moving. So were they just stood there while the bad guy parked up, got out of the van, got the chain, tied it around the base of their Christmas tree

and they're like, no, what are you doing? Stop. This is a very slow process. Doesn't matter. We're still doing it. I want to see where this goes. I want to see where this goes. We don't know where this is going yet. It's only when he gets back in the van and drives away that they're like, no, my tree. Yeah, amazing. Yep. There's still it like it's a giant safe of gold in fast and furious. And there's like doing them gone by ridiculous. Who has a chrystery in the middle of their drive as well? Like that's not where chrystery is. Go even if you have an outdoors one, you don't put it in the middle of the drive because you need to use the drive.

Yeah. And also I feel like the middle of the driveway outdoor chrysthamist tree really only pays off once a year, right? For the rest of the year, you're just like, I can't fucking get around this. As the worst. Well, this is going to pay off later. This technique of taking things, it's all going to make sense. Yeah, it's deeply intimidating. We're quote unquote establishing a quote unquote

pattern in all tokens. And speaking of all Cogin, we now cut to him sneaking around some bushes. Right. And everyone, everyone thought that he was prying on the little girl, right? That was your first thought when we had a piece of it. Yeah. Absolutely. When we had a piece of it. He's talking about like Santa Claus, I really hope you're out there and it's just smash cut to Hulk Hogan pulling bushes away as if he's looking into the house that

she's in. It's very upsetting. Yeah. He's not, but very still creepy. And he's wearing, It's very upsetting. Yeah. He's not, but he's still creepy. And he's wearing, he's wearing camouflage, but his jacket is open and his shirt a very different color. That's not how camouflage works. Anyway, honestly, at this point in history, I feel like camouflage is really just there to highlight the douchebags more than it is to like hide soldiers and stuff. So I

would argue that is how camouflage works. Hulk Hogan's wearing it. He's fucking nailing the point of camouflage at this point in history. There's Hulk Hogan. There he is. There's Hulk Hogan or one of his tribe. No, but you can't see him because at this point, he's crouching and he walks across the lawn in crouch mode very very clearly in crouch mode because he's got a gardener to beat up so we can't see and he's nothing. Yeah, yeah. And just to be clear because I had no fucking idea what was happening until my second watch of this movie, this is our hero who is a rich guy and I assume every day sneaks into his own house and attacks his staff

for practice at GoFuck yourself. That is what is happening. Is there any more logic we could draw out of this situation or this movie as a whole or did I just get what this plot is supposed to be? That's the plot. Yeah, all I can think is it's like a reverse kato situation this movie is a whole or did I just get what this plot is supposed to be? That's the plot. Yeah.

I, all I can think is it's like a reverse Kato situation or kid off from the pink panther. Yeah. Where Kluksaw hires a staff member to surprise attack him in any part. This is a reverse one of those where he hides a lot of people who then he surprised attacks on a regular basis. Oh. A thing that just workplace abuse. That's just an abusive word that you should should report to the head of a job.

Okay. When you said Kato, I thought you meant Kaelin. And I was like, Oh, yeah. OJ sneaking in through the bushes to, okay. This all I see when you're gone, but you weren't. Okay. Your thing was better. Also, you got to wonder what that job interview is like, right?

Because they are also like gardeners and chauffeurs and chefs. So there was a weird part of that interview where it was like, yeah, cordon blue school. That sounds great. Oh, we worked in a Michelin star rated restaurant. How are you at fighting? You know, I did say fighting every day. Okay, good. Good. Yeah. There is a very well trained staff of all those specific manchany things like French chef and one, there's also, this includes correct me if I'm wrong, a karate BDSM chauffeur. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, you know, Elyah, you're saying that they interviewed for these various different jobs and had to have the fighting

skills. But at no point do we see them carry out the jobs their dressers, even when they get in a car with the sofa, Hulk Hogan drives it. So I don't think these are stuff, these are, these are just people he's paid to dress up in outfits that he then gets to be job. So this is very heavily into a uniform king for him. And I think this will recur throughout the film for me. And you know what, that makes a lot more sense than that. Those people who do those jobs, those are, he just

redresses his friends up as different jobs and attacks them. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah. Yeah. Just movies all coming together. He attacks them while he's trying to, trying to steal back his all-nate jewelry box that he just keeps on, he just stores on patio furniture, which is not a good place to store that stuff.

Right. You know, just having a snack on a porch, looking at my arc of the covenant that I have that I keep here also, having some cheese. Yeah. That's what seems to be happening there. We also get, I believe this is the first Hulk Hogan attempt at a one liner here. Yeah. And it's pretty fucking great. So he's sneaking through and he's kind of beating up his own staff. We don't realize that at first, but that's what's happening. And one of his gardeners, I guess, bends down and like checks a row of plants, a row of flowers and all cookin' sneaks up behind him and like gives him a big suplex or whatever that he says never stop to smell the roses. Yes, yeah. You know, that rose is the flower. There's a connect

garden. So there's two problems for for me about this. One is that there isn't a phrase never stopped a smell the roses. The phrase is very much always stopped a smell the roses. Right. Right. But the other thing is, and this isn't for nothing, those aren't roses. They're not even, you could have moved, you could have got roses. And at least it would have made sense. These are just other flowers. Oh, it would have been amazing if the guard kept smelling very clearly other flowers and just alcohol and waiting being like, that's all right. I'm trying to do a thing. Go to the roses and he goes, almost does it. Pumpfigs goes to the, the betonious. All right. Never stop and follow the lilies of the valley. Come on. That was on purpose.

You know I was waiting for the roses thing, being a dick. Right. And this is where we are introduced. That's a great point because this is where we're introduced to Blake's rules. So apparently this multi-millionaire karate person, it also has, he sells protein powder and is constantly dictating out loud truisms to his staff, which they write down and memorize. Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. And so, isn't, I forget which one he says at this point and says, oh, and what ruler we up to now? And the butler says, rule 38 385 and he says, okay, make it 386. It's like, no, because then there'd be a gap. Learn to count, ordinarily, Jesus. That's maybe how he's got to 385 already, because he just puts random gaps in the middle of them. Yeah, so he quizzes his staff on his rules for a little bit. And then he's off to do the only activity, do sheer than dressing up in camo and attacking your staff paintball.

Yes. Yeah. Might as well be zip line paintball just to trigger you. Just just before he does that, one of the rules he gets his staff to recite is never give an inch, especially when you can take one. And I thought, yeah, I always figured Hulk Hogan was a bottom. Yeah, absolutely. He's all about taking each, I think Hulk Hogan. And if you had read the description of this, I would have known. March, you would know, it's supposed to be a skeptic.

Anyway, so we did gocker. So we watch him cheat at paintball, but not really, because all that happens is he shows up and someone's like, all right, we're almost ready to play paintball. And then he point blank shoots that gentleman in the chest with a paintball gun and drives away. Yes. Which is not paintball. He's the guy who stands next to the spawn point in a video game of paintball.

That kid. It's just standing in a delivery room. Someday your kid might play paintball. Pat. Pat. What is out? So he he races off having achieved his paintball assassination. And this is where we're going to cut to I I will say, one of the really great comedy performances of the movie, silly cop.

Yeah, yeah. This is Clint Howard. This is Ron Howard's brother, by the way. No, that's so painful. Those had very divergent careers. No, that's so sick. I did not realize that that was Ron Howard's brother. I was like, oh, I know this character, actor.

He's actually good at some stuff, but the fact that he's Ron Howard's brother casts a dark shadow over his performance. He had a rough little stretch. He was on Seinfeld for a little art, for an episode for a second. He was like a murderer, and then he was in a whole good movie.

A very small side character cop. It's rough. It was a bad time in the 90s. Anyways, he's playing laser battle with his speed gun, but then Hulk Hogan drives by going super fast. And it's time for a, for a high speed wacky chase. Yeah. Here's why I'm hesitating to say this. The music in the background might as well be yackety sacks, but he is running from the police Hmm

In Effectively a straight line as well. It's not an interesting chase particularly and at one point the guy in the car with him who isn't his Shorfer, but is driving says in maybe we should pull over. And Hogan says, rule number 20, never surrender. And that seems really weird that that was such an early rule. Because earlier, he had like never mixed business with pleasure. And that was rule 385. How come that took until nearly 400 to get to? But never surrender came in at number 20. What was his life like early on in the rules? Yeah. Suicide by cop happens a lot or attempted in Hulk, Hulk, Hulk, Hogan's life. I don't know. Yeah.

Well, I think it might because we do see on the cans that he's intent on making his tan even darker. And I think that's the reason that the cops pull a gun on him because of how tandy as they mistake him, they don't realize that he's working. That's why it comes suddenly pull a gun on him in this, in this car. That is very plausible. Yeah, I assumed he was just going for Tanner and Tanner because eventually he wouldn't get in trouble for saying the end word on his sex tape. And this is a what kind of tando I need, brother. So yeah, he's he's running from the cops and we cut over to the mall where business, Mcbusiness lady who will never matter again or be a character wants to know where that darn Santa is.

And Lenny, who at this point, I believe is a henchman for Ebner Frost. Question mark. Is he, I think he's a generic like mobster mafia, like Lord of the Mafia type, because all of his mates seem like they're in the same kind of mafia also place, but we never see them again so we don't really care. But he just owes some money to Ebenefrost. I don't know how he ended up all money to Ebenefrost.

He owes him $50, which doesn't seem like a lot for Ebenefrost to be getting worried about. And so he owes him money, but I don't think he's working for him, but they do not make this clear. They don't put any effort into this connection at all. Well, I think the mall Santa mall, Elf Union is controlled by the Costa Nostra. That's what that's what. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would also explain why they have a little house in the middle of the mall that they appear to live in, right? Like, because there's like, there's no reason for the Santa's house at the mall to have a kitchen and a kitchen table, which a series of Italian Americans, dressed as elves are sitting around playing card set. But he's trying to negotiate with the business, Mcbusiness lady instead of Santa. He has a, he uses a slur, but he has a little person in a clown suit, which is his opening offer versus Santa. What was he told to do?

If somebody's like, okay, where's Santa? Did you find him? And you say, no, but I have a little person in a clown suit. You got weird instructions. You got very weird and or you have a very weird interpretation of those instructions or you're bad at listening. Yeah. I was very open to that being like his thing throughout the movie, like every test they were like, Hey, we're going to go get lunch. Do you want something? He's like, I got

a little person in a clown suit. Like if he's a one every tool fits the hammer kind of guy, that would have made sense. Or if he's a one, every tool fits the hammer kind of guy, that would have made sense. Or if he had just brought, oh God. Yeah. And then right near the end of the film, it pays off in some weird way. It's like, wow, we've got this vent. And what we need is someone to be able to fit through the vent, but then blend in on the other side, which happens to be an evil circus. If only we had a little person in the clown suit, we'd be able to save the day. And this guy stepped up the hero we need. That makes a lot of sense.

And pulls out a gun. I know just the thing. All right, so he owes money to Ebner and Ebner's assistant, Dr. Blight is an evil doctor and we're going to cut over to Ebner's, as Marsh pointed out, Steemfield Lair, where he is torturing a gentleman with his team of reject scientists. This is the best part of the movie. This is my favorite. This choice for these three scientists is the best thing in the movie by far into selling

his shoe store. So those scientists are the geologist Dr. Flint. Yes. Yeah. The chemist Dr. Bial and Dr. Wat who has electric gloves. Ions. Yes. Yeah. Oh God. These are superb. So what I would love about the introduce each of these evil scientists one by one. And so he got a geologist first, which yeah, it's not the most intimidating of all sciences. I mean, what happened with a geologist? Geologically, but this geologist, he looks like Jacob Riesmog, but specifically Jacob Riesmog, is cosplaying as his movie hero, which is one of the

Nazi archaeologists from Indiana Jones film. I see. That's his why he looks like. That's very accurate. He comes up to this guy who's being tortured and you'd think, you know, we've got three scientists torturing a guy. So obviously in your head, your picture and various different types of scientific torture. Nope.

That is hanging upside down from a medieval torture device. So what a waste of an evil scientist, he's got an evil PhD just sat there waiting to be used, but no, we've gone for a, for a medieval technique. But the geologist comes up, brushes his face lightly with a little brush and says, you'll make an interesting fossil. And he says that because this movie doesn't know about paleontologists. It doesn't know that geologists don't do fossils. That's someone else. No, they do not know that word. We all knew that this was, that would be paleontology and not reality. Also, the chemist specifically, when they introduce in, they say we have Dr. Bile, the Canadian chemist. Don't know why they say Canadian there,

but we do. There's a weird piece of shade, very weird piece of shade. He has expertise in mildly unpleasant smells. That's what he uses. He will provide fart gas and nothing else throughout this film. Yeah. And then Dr. Watt, they don't even bother pretending she has science. They're just like, and then there's Dr. what they don't even bother pretending she has science They're just like and then there's Dr. what who? Has electric gloves. I don't know

She can make roses explode electricity makes roses explode like that kryptonite and dynamite. Yeah Yeah, she didn't stop and smell the road she just explodes it. Yeah And it's also the thing I like about these three characters. I think I've got a theory about this. I think the movie had a different wardrobe designer for each actor and those wardrobe designers were not allowed to confer. So they only just turned up on the day and went with what they'd come up with. And they were also not allowed to read the script. They were only allowed to know the name of the character they were dealing with.

So we cut over to Hulk Hogan sneaking around them all. Well, he sneaked out, he sneaked around them all because he's escaping from the police and he does that by like jumping out of the moving vehicle. But before he says rule 21, when in doubt, get out, which is not a rule that Hulk Hogan heated during the filming of this film. He paid attention to those rules. He just dive roles and walks out of the movie. Yeah, that was not. I've seen the sex tip to see whether he pays attention to the rule when in doubt get out in that case, so maybe we need to check it out. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, he's hiding

around the mall. And what does he see? Because of course, everyone's like, Hey, have you Hulk Hogan. When he sees a Santa suit. Yep, so First he like diverts the security guards and he's like is that Roy Moore and they all run away and then he gets a Santa suit and The walks back out wearing Something different than what he walked in with, which was weird. Yep. Yes, he walks out wearing a new set of boots, which were not in the outfit he picked up. So I don't know where he got those boots. And this is not the first, or this is not the last time he will accessorize this outfit

in ways that are not explained at all. No. He just has access to accessories at any point. Yeah, spoiler alert, he will later be outfitted by a child in a way so bizarre, I worry for the actress, Mela Kunis, let alone the character, but we'll get to that. So yeah, he's Santa and he fools the guards for a second, but then a kid walks up and says, hi, Santa, and he's like, fuck you, which raises the guard suspicion because the thing that we see them thinking or I think that we're supposed to see them thinking is, that's weird. The real Santa would never be that name to children. Yeah.

So does this film believe that Santa is real or not? Because that seems to, I get lost in that film. Yeah. I think the film loses out whether it believes in Santa or not throughout this film. Great question. I'm gonna say the production crew and the people in the universe of the movie are both in a pretty big argument about it and about 90% of the adults, yes, Santa's real, but 10% are holding strong no.

And they're gonna be in a fight about it in both universes throughout. Yeah. So he attempts to hide from them in a garbage shoot. Well, just before that, so that they realized that one of the ways that they realized he isn't the real Santa is as he's walking away, he's got his combat fatigues sort of tucked in his back pocket, which I think is handkerchief code for uniform stuff. It's enhanced in irrigation play. I see. Excellent.

Yeah. Wanderbun. You be the water border. I'll be the Mexican guy. You think is Muslim. I'll be Hulk Hogan. Yeah. So he decides to hide from them in a garbage shoot and surprise, surprise that doesn't

work out. So he falls down the garbage shoot and surprise surprise that doesn't work out. So he falls down the garbage shoot. And I guess instead of dying, he gets hit on the head and has amnesia because it's a movie and that's how you get amnesia in movies. And also that's what amnesia is. It is a two-bunk system. Why would you forget only your name and who you are upon the second bunk? You remember everything and your brain is no worse for where? I think that it's this is a very specific form of amnesia because it is triggered by garbage.

Proximity to garbage is what turns as amnesia on and later off again. So it's a very specific form of amnesia. Yeah. Do you think they did that on purpose? I don't think so. I think that's amazing writing that you've just found, Marsh. You just got in there, surgically removed the one piece of good writing in this. Yep. Little person clown suit, garbage and handstemnesia, we're writing a better movie already. Yeah.

But they didn't, they don't use this enough. Like, they once later in the movie the like rebumping your head thing will change the amnesia again. It'll like bring back stuff or whatever, but I want to see them like keep having his head get bumped and him change characters because now he changes in Santa Claus. That's what happens here, right? He bumps at any beliefs he's Santa. Well, he gets found by Lenny the, oh, elf. And Lenny the elf wants to rob him. So he says he's Santa Claus. That's why he thinks he's Santa. Yeah. I thought he thinks it and Lenny like confirmed or it's just purely Lenny tricks him.

Lenny tricks him. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think Lenny Lenny tricks him because Lenny was told by the business lady who by the way, I did look up the business lady, she quit acting after this film, which is a lovely little detail. She saw this film come out and went, no, no, this is not for me. No, no. I'm going elsewhere. But she told them you need to find Santa.

And so obviously Lenny does the obvious thing of going to stand by the garbage shoot and wait for a Santa to fall out. And I hope you have to wait there as like three Easter bunnies and a tooth fairy came out first and he's like, no, come on, move along, move along, we gotta get to a Santa here. Yeah, so he tells him that he's Santa and they, they go to greet the children and look, we, I could spend hours on what Lenny's thinking process is at any given moment of this movie, but the movie certainly

doesn't. So yeah, he goes into the middle of the mall where children are chanting and screaming for Santa like he's in 80s hair metal bands. I thought they were going to sacrifice him and blood was going to pour out of the screen and I would know the TV was off and I was just on acid. Why does anyone bring their kids to this ritual in real life? It's a fucking nightmare. You're like, it's a weird, usually drunk, weird dude who decided to dress up as a Santa Claus for a temp job for a few weeks and a mall. What the fuck are you doing?

So Keith, Marsh, you are aware of this because, oh, Marsh, you aren't, but Keith, you're aware of this because you've seen the pictures in my home. My wife and I, we go see Santa every year. And so we now have a Santa collage of Santa's being amused that an older young person is there to see Santa transitioning into seriously. Why are you here? You look like you're in your late thirties to Santa doesn't feel safe. I remember him from last year. That's great. It's a little flip book. If you use your imagination, unrelated. Are you going to, are you going to bring your child to this ritual in the future? Absolutely.

To meet Santa. Are you? Eli, do but never let them sit on Santa's knee, never let them meet Santa. Just make your child take photos of you and Anna. Absolutely. What I was going to say I was going to do. I'm going to be like, listen, kid, Daddy's got to go meet Santa. I'm going to sit on Santa's lap, tell him what I want for Christmas.

And then if my cat asks any questions, I'm going to be like, Oh, because Santa's not fucking real idiot. I just like upsetting strangers. And someday, so will you realize kid barren Bosnick, that's his name. And so we get a little montage here of children asking Santa for stuff and we have The only one I want to point out is two children decide to fight to the death in a kumete on top of Santa What was that moment? My my favorite bit was the first kid to sit on his knee because as soon as he sits down this kid immediately turns Quickly around and looks at Hulk Hogan with pure, abject

horror and shock, which made me worry that Hulk Hogan was just rock hard during the filming at this particular point. And this kid is just horrified by, by the experience around him. Very possible. Also Hulk Hogan freaks out right away. And I'm pretty sure the face we saw from Hulk Hogan, the person in real life was like, he's a black kid. What the fuck do I do? That's what happened, right? He does seem truly horrified to be in the same space as an African American child.

It is very strange. So yeah, we have a Santa montage and then two hooligans try to steal the orphan funds nearby. So it's time for Santa to fist fight them to the joy and merriment of the children around it. And I just want to say, if you love mall Santa's getting into fist fights, you will love upstate New York. Come on up to me and he's sown town where you can watch a Santa get into fist fight with the stranger at a mall every day of the year. I've watched Santa Claus in a fist fight way more times than is reasonable in my time.

So many times. So so many times. Also just one little note I have on this fight at one point. So he's beating up the hooligans at one point. One of them grabs like a plastic candy cane and they dubbed into this movie someone going, watch out, he's got a candy cane. By the way, if you've never seen a Santa get thrown out of a bar by a bouncer as you're walking by like a projectile out the door of a bar, you're missing out.

It is fantastic. Rolls onto the sidewalk, throws up a little bit full fan outfit. It was one of my favorite moments of my life. Santa's entire fighting strategy, not just in this fight, but also, I think throughout the entire film, is to stand still and wait for the attacking person to miss him and then punch him once. And that is his entire fighting strategy, which seems to be bulletproof throughout this entire film. And the other thing I absolutely love is all of the people are just cheering Santa on, but there's way more people around mid-fight than they were at the start of the fight. So did they all see the people try to steal money? Because otherwise

they're just cheering Santa beating two guys up in a mall with a very different feel. Again, I'm this movie is taking place in California, although if it were to be in place in parts of Florida, that would make sense. Or again, mean heatstone down. There are ways that this makes sense. So yeah. So Santa decides he's going to save the children's mission and rides off into the sunset on a scooter with Lenny on his back. There's an important point with Lenny just before this as well, because we need to understand

Lenny's motivations for this film because while all this is kind of going on, Lenny's lifted Hulk Hogan's wallet. We see him lift his wallet. Look at his driver's license to see who he is and recognize that he's rich. At this point, we see Hulk Hogan's driver's license for tall, which he is so tanned, it's basically constitute a hit crime. It's it's for a second. I initially thought he had just and true doors drivers license. That's how badly he turned the Hulk organ is at this. But Lenny then takes this to an ATM because

he recognizes that Hulk organ's character is like a millionaire and he's like, I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm going to sort of rob him, but he can't get money out of the ATM because he's using one of those speak your bank details, allowed ATM machines that were all the rage in the 90s, but of course those 90s machines, you obviously needed a thumbprint to get in. We all remember this from the 90s, so this is why he's not able to,

to rub some of the tricks. I was gonna ask you guys, I think I'm older than you, so maybe I would be the one who knows, but I don't remember, neither speaking nor biometric analysis of your thumb being part of an ATM machine in the 90s. No, and there's a, I would say a security risk with this particular ATM machine or the

system that's based on because the machine says, hi there, Mr. Blake, if you want some of your money, please put your thumb on the scanner. It's like, well, aren't you better off doing that after you've identified it from the thumbprint? And reading it aloud is not a good solution to these problems either. I mean, I like the accessibility of it. You know, ATM machines are much harder to operate these days. You've got hearing impairments back in the 90s. They just shouted at your bank details out for everyone to hear, but at least they've

had hearing impairments could use them. So it was, you know, it was equal access at that point. See, I think we need to bring the talking ATM back, right? You're just at a bodega somewhere in Upper Manhattan. Would you like to pay a $15 fee to this mob-owned thing that just stole your credit card number? Also, Lenny, yeah, like you said, he lifts the card from Hulk Hogan, who is a rich person in real life. So he's hoping to steal a bunch of money at the ATM and the ATM asks him for his thumb

print. And Lenny just tries his thumb print like it might work. Why would you think that that would maybe work? You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take. Here we go. All right. And so there's a point where Lenny then gets on the scooter and they move on the next scene, but just at the very end of the scene, there was a really lovely little moment, whereas the scooter moves off in the distance and there's a crowd of people cheering Santa on, two elderly women come really close to the screen to mime a conversation,

three centimeters away from the camera. And because they're so close to the camera, their faces have to be so close to one another that they're basically touching. And after a while of them speaking, I stopped seeing their faces, all I could see was a vase. I couldn't see their faces anymore. Yeah, excellent illusion. So now we cut over to Ebner Frost, and he has succeeded in torturing that shoe store salesman into selling his thing. So all he has left is the orphanage. Yeah. Really quick.

What the fuck is he wearing? He's, so he's got the, I have no idea which character you're talking about. It could be, I don't really, I allow me to clarify. Very good point. So we're looking at Dr. Ebner Frost, the evil scientist and his lab assistant guy. I don't know what that guy's name is.

Dr. Blight. Dr. Blight. Dr. Blight. Okay. Thank you. So Dr. Blight, the assistant has a lab coat. That's kind of what you would think would happen. Ebner Frost is wearing a wizard robe for a stripper.

That's all I got. Like that's what it is. Absolutely. He's a Dungeons and Dragons themed perlete dancer. That is the only less smoking jacket. It's very confusing. Yeah. Unclar.

Yeah. But he's basically saying we're going to get those orphans. So it's time for Dr. Blight to head over to the orphanage to try and work his charms. Now, I should point out this is a children's movie. So they don't do like a Dr. Blight trying to fuck the pretty lady who runs the orphanage scene. But that's definitely what they're inferring from this scene, right? He comes up to the door. She answers and he's like, I just wanted to know if I can offer you any help. If you know what I mean, what is this

interaction supposed to be? Because they're supposed to be intimidating the orphans out of the orphanage. And Dr. Blight seems to think that he can seduce the lady who's in charge of it to get the, I was very confused. What is this scene supposed to be? I don't think they've thought through this plan very well because there are two strategies seem to be have doctor, the doctor blight fuck the lady who runs it. The end. The other strategy is to turn up with a van and remove bits of the orphanage piece by piece and I take a statue away. Is that their plan? Is that really if I can't convince you to sell it? I'll just steal a little bit of it each time with my van until there's nothing left. Also, I want to talk about the sign. There are things that I wonder about at night when I'm alone

and everyone's asleep and I'm alone with my thoughts. What happens when we die? What's the point of life? And why do they continually pound signs that count down the days till Christmas on this orphanage is law and throughout the movie? I believe that is somebody was like, Hey, you know what, good writers do ticking clocks and they decided to do ticking lawn signs. So they count down day. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. three shopping days until Christmas. Yeah, three shopping days, so Christmas, yes. So they, or maybe they're just, it's just pro-capitalism. They just want to throw that message in there.

I don't know. So they, they do that sign and then the, there's an African-American gentleman who also works at there and he runs out to stop the van from getting away with their statue and they plan to run him down and murder him. Yes. Okay. That is that evil genius plan. and they plan to run him down and murder him? Yes. Okay.

That is that evil genius plan. You've got three scientists, very highly qualified minds, and their best plan is to run the guy over, which for me, when he saved and they don't run him over, I thought, well, there's the stakes of this film gone because just call the police and say they tried to kill me. And I've got lots of witnesses about the end. We don't need this Santa guy turning up and doing anything

to help us, we've got this going to him. It's all sorted. Yeah, but no, instead of doing that, they're sort of right about to run him over and then Hulk Hogan is holding the truck back with the chain. With the chain that was dragging their statue that is crucial to their orphanage business.

And that's no alarm being stolen, so they're safe. His powers have now wildly differentiated for this scene. He's now gone to being able to stop a speeding truck instantly with his super strength as opposed to before, which was just sort of like general kick punchery. Yes, he seems to fluctuate wildly throughout this film. As do the people around him as well, because at one point Lenny couldn't drag him and then later in the same scene Lenny just picks him up, puts him over his shoulders, not a problem. So this film doesn't understand it.

It's like it hasn't got object permanence for people. It doesn't quite know what people can do at any given point or a bunch of other nouns. It has very little permanence for anything. Yeah. Yeah. But anyways, he's stopped a staff member from being murdered. So of course, he's invited to dinner. So he goes inside to have dinner. And if it isn't the little girl who was writing Santa the letter at the beginning of the movie. Oh, there's a lovely exchange between him and his girl because the girl says to him, I bet you had a long trip Santa and he says, thank you. So it's amazing. Also Clayton turns out to be the African American gentleman's name and he has an incredibly dark moment here

He goes man if I was a younger man, I wouldn't have stood in front of that truck. Is that what he says? I don't know. Yeah As a it's a dark moment like if I was 20 years younger, I wouldn't have dark moment. Like if I was 20 years younger, I wouldn't have tried to get killed by that try. I don't know what he was saying. Okay. That is the only interpretation of that sentence, right? Is that if I was younger, I wouldn't have tried to die just now, but don't worry. You stopped me. We also meet young me lookunis here. She's one of the orphans in the orphanage. Yeah. I love the living room of this orphanage.

The theme of the day call is opening titles of save behind the belt, which is a nice theme. That is a nice theme. Yeah. Love that show. Are you a saved fan? Marsh. You want to know? I enjoy it. I enjoyed a bit of it when I was when I was younger. We don't get a lot of it these days, but yeah, I was a nice rock out to Zach attack.

There's a British version called Cronk by the tallywag that marched like the lot more. It only lasted two seasons at the end. Everyone was dead. But you know, it's British TV. So you get it. Get it. So yeah, they montage through the dinner to to Lenny the elf like in the middle of telling a body story. Like that's when

the next scene is going to take place. Lenny the elf is literally like, so I'm fucking her right. And the kids are like, oh Lenny the elf. That's the tone of it. It's so weird. Right. It's absolutely like it. And so she says, don't come on my back. And I said, wait, the kids are like, oh, Lenny, you scam. Kids are pouring himself more whiskey laughing. Yeah. The way thing is the stories he's telling, our stories of Santa's exploits, because he's talking about the North Pole and getting around the North Pole. Has the movie forgotten that he's just making these up and he knows it isn't Santa? Like, what is going on at this point? And there's a lovely line from Hulk Hogan as well, where he says, I'm really glad to be here. I'm not really sure why. And I thought, yeah, I'm the same whenever I come

on this show. It's exactly the same. I feel you. Yeah. So, so this is when the kids ask if it's okay for the two full grown men who they don't know the names of, but are both dressed as Christmas characters can stay the night in this building. The answer is yes, because they've known them for almost an hour. So yeah, totally fine to put them alone in a building for the children. And there's a moment as well where Elizabeth, the young girl, gives Santa a kiss and a cheek and Hulk Hogan reacts with the kind of shocked delight that only reinforces my Hulk Hogan's character is a millionaire who gets erect around kids' theory. That's the only thing.

I just wanted to be like, Elizabeth, have I ever told you my rule about always giving an inch follow follow me? Honestly, if this behavior got any more blatant, I'd expect Lawrence Kraus to come on screen to explain that Hulk Hogan never fucked a child in his presence. And as a scientist, he's got to follow the evidence and conclude that he's innocent. Look, I just rode on Hulk Hoganairplane and I had too much honor. I had too much honor to break up my friendship with Hulk Oak. Yeah, so we conclude the scene on a rather dark note.

They're like, oh, why are there so many empty rooms here? And she says, well, we found homes for all of the kids except for the better kids. Yeah, good. We rehomed all the kids that we could. Three kids sat around the table listening to that amazing line. Absolutely perfect. Yeah. It's like getting drafted for kickball in gym class.

Just like you three suck. Like the puppy is lining up at the puppy store and that's three. It's sad. It's real sad. Right. So it's bedtime and it's time for some pajama-based humor. Lenny is dressed like a bunny and Hulk Hogan is dressed like one of the wise men. So I guess we're supposed to think that the only clothing they had for adults in this

orphanage were costumes from the Christmas like, play, but why didn't I make any, exactly. That doesn't make any more sense. The only thing that makes anything. I think the only thing that makes sense is that Leslie who runs it and Clayton, the guy runs it with her, I just into some really niche costume stuff. They're into Shepherd play. It's pretty niche, but they get pretty hot with it. Okay. Or one of the kids that already got adopted was fucking enormous and still got picked ahead of these three kids, even though he was a 68 to 50 type of child orphan. Yeah. So the next morning, it's time for Lenny to go and try to steal his money again, while Santa tries on the new Santa suit that Mela Kunis' child character apparently stayed up all night

making for him. And it's a, it's this SNM tight swearing fuck vest. Just write this on at the gloves with very, very clear leather black gloves. And he didn't have those gloves to begin with. They found those gloves around that orphanage. She also says she learned to sew from a mega man comic book. I wrote my notes. She learned to sew from a Mega Man comic book because I

died and this movie is the last firing of my brain cells before I enter the darkness. Yeah. This also means she's the 10 year old dedicated, employed seamstress at this orphanage which is so strange. It is so bizarre. Not appropriate. But just as he's trying out and again i can't describe how inappropriate this it's a sleeveless santa vest over incredibly tight leggings we will spend the rest of the movie staring at hoagans package but uh... it's

the news at the door and they want to do a big story on Santa beating up someone at the mall. Yeah, and they heard that Santa was living at the orphanage and I thought, how did you hear that? He got there last night and he's been asleep and Mila Kunis couldn't have formed the news because she was up all night at the soy machine. So she's been busy in working in the sweatshop. How did the news get get wind of this? Clayton must have been Clayton. Where we've limited our suspects. There's only got a mole on the inside. A little kid. I don't know. Take her Santa soldier. I actually had a theory

on this as well because because I've seen, because we've seen a Hulk Hogan acting a bit dodgyly around kids. My theory is Santa. Holkogen is a pedophile. The orphanage is in legal sweatshop and Ebner Frost is actually the good guy shedding a light on this whole thing. He shut that orphanage down because of the sweatshop. Thank you. Thank you. I agree with the things Ebner Frost is doing several times throughout this movie and that makes me feel better about it. I think that's what's happening. There's an after credit scene where we see Ebner just like crawling over to a computer and registering gauker.com with domains.

The domain name. All right. So now we watch him blow the interview and he blows it in some pretty horrifying ways. Like it's supposed to be comedy, but they're like, hey, Santa, how come you're so buff and Lenny's trying to like sign language, all this stuff to him. And but he keeps getting it horrifically wrong. Like, how come you're so buff? I killed and ate my reindeer.

Nope, not what he was signaling. What? I also want to the first question from the the journalist as well. He says, Santa, can we have a word please? Without pausing at all, she breaks straight into, how did you get here? Which is a really weird question to ask because like that's that's not the bit anyone was wondering about about this story. So did you, did you take the bypass or did you, did you come through town? Cause there's road work on the on the main street. So do you, you had to go around? I'm guessing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

And traffic is terrible. And then he ends this little interview by basically saying, if you're naughty, I will come to your house and kill you. I mean, right? That's a little extreme, but most kids are shitty. I like a Santa Claus who's willing to admit that, you know? So he ends his interview on that little threat. we cut over to Mr. Frost again and he and his henchmen are planning to steal the orphanage more extra double

And he's mad Frost is mad because now everybody knows Santa lives at the orphanage and that Frost is mad because now everybody knows Santa lives at the orphanage and that fucks up his plan. I don't understand anything about his plan. It doesn't even make sense after the end of the movie. We'll get there. What's happening right now in the movie? Yes, nothing in this movie will ever be related to anything else or make any sense.

However, we do get Lenny trying to steal, he stole Santa's milk at breakfast. So now he's going to use the glass to be the thumbprint, but it's the wrong thumb. Okay. Okay. So he has, yeah, he has Hulk Hogan's right thumbprint from a glass of milk that Hulk Hogan had during breakfast. And then he brought that with him to this ATM and he's rolling the outside of that glass over the thumb sensor. Yes. The print would be backwards at that point. Yes, but but the ATM machine and the people who wrote this movie are fucking stupid and don't understand geometry. And the ATM says, sorry, that's your right thumb, we need your left thumb. Yeah, but that's not how it will work.

The sensor would think that was a left thumb print. And yeah, the reason it wouldn't work is because thumb prints aren't identical reflections in the y-axis from our right thumb to our left thumb. And also, I mean, the good thing about this thumb scanner, like all good fingerprint scanners, it recognizes all of your fingers and then tells you which specific one it needs. So it says, oh yeah, I'm just, you know, when you set this up the first time, it's saying, well, we need to scan your left thumb because that's the one you're going to use to access your bank account, right?

Okay. Now we need to scan your right thumb so that we can recognize when you definitely 100% definitely you turn up to get your money, but you put the wrong thumb on the pad. So we need to tell definitely you because it's definitely you because you've got your right thumb there. We need to tell you that to use the other thumb. So now we just need to, there might be time you mistakenly try to log in using your dick so we better scan that too just to be on the same side. I know. I do. I do. Log in a lot. Okay. that too, just be on the side side too. I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that too. Just be on the side side too. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that too. Just be on the side side too. I'm not doing that too. I'm not doing that too. Just be on the side side too. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that too. I'm not doing that too. Just be on the side side too. I'm not doing that too. I'm not doing that too. Just be on the side too. I'm not doing that too. I'm not doing that too. I'm not doing that too. I'm not there. The ATM should be asking different questions. That's all I'm saying.

If you ask you, you know, what the fuck's happening in your life, that you're ripping skin off your thumb, so you're back on the other side. Are you Nicolas Cage and are you doing a face off? You have to tell me if like, I caught. So now we're not cut over to a scene that will live in my heart and imagination forever. Literal letter writing girl is sitting in the church of this orphanage because this orphanage has a full-scale church in it, singing angel baby to herself. Yes.

What is this song? What is this song? Do you know this song? Okay, I was great question. I was gonna ask the same thing because they describe it as like, oh yeah, everybody knows this song. Like Hulk Hogan's like, I don't remember that. And it's fucking terrifying. It sounds like a little girl helping Hannibal Lecter cook a live angel baby. That's like what a lyrics are giving to me. She's seeing along to the song and then they do like a weird sing along thing. All my notes say is, Hey, if

you were worried this movie doesn't have a clumsy sing along with Hulk Hogan dresses in SNM Santa, do not be. Yeah. And just to be clear, what me say, angel baby, you might think this is kind of like a Christian, they're in a church, it's Christmas, maybe they're talking about Jesus. That is not the direction of this song because the lyrics are, you're so fine, angel baby, mind for all time, angel baby, you're so fine, angel baby. This is someone are you talking about their lover and Hulk Hogan sings this with a seven year old girl in a church. It's the best. He doesn't know the lyrics though in his own script. No, he tries to sing along, but he has to do that like fake song lyric thing where he

pretend you know what's happening. And it's the greatest. I would watch hours of all Cogan trying to fake song lyric. You get to you watch so such a long time of him being like, Angel Bee, baby. Well, love, hurry down. That's where I was right now. Nobody's saying now you went past.

It's just a break. Just whatever you do, don't cut the shot. Pee. All I can think is that this is the only song this child was willing to sing. And they all just had to go with it. This is take full tea, they've got a real song, she refuses to sing that, she's singing a song,

she's just made up and they all just have to go with it for the good of the film. Understandable. There was one interesting philosophical question brought up here in the scene though, does Santa have a mommy and a daddy? Or is he like a temporal like a god? What do you guys think?

These are great questions, but ones that we will leave unanswered. So we cut back. I want that story of like the parents whose kid decided to become Santa Claus, a thing that didn't exist yet. Like, I was like, it's like the story of parents who pay for college and their kid goes into podcasting. It's like the story of parents who pay for college and their kid goes into podcasting. When you think about it, we are like Santa. I've said that our job is a lot like Santa. So we come back to the, we come back to the orphanage where the bad guys have thrown the statue that they stole earlier's head through the window as a threat?

Like a KKK style threat. Yeah, it's very weird. I thought they were going to walk outside. They'd be like a reindeer on a flaming cross or something. It's crazy what these bad guys have decided to do. They've also, that means like they cut the head off of a metal statue. Yeah. But that means like they cut the head off of a metal statue. So it was like hours of them outside of this orphanage

with like an industrial metal saw and like a settling torch. I don't know what you would use to do that. Is this the statue that they stole? Yes, is it a statue they stole away and they brought the head back? Yes. This doesn't seem like the most intimidating thing they could be doing.

But they didn't steal it because Hulk took it off the chains and then stopped their truck. That's right. I'm saying this plot doesn't add up. I'm saying this a little bit over there's a few moments. This is one of them. Santa with muscles is not checking out. So here's the thing. Again, this is a trope in movies, right?

They throw a thing through the window and drive away. Except the bad guys here window and drive away, except the bad guys here don't drive away. They're just waiting outside and they have a fist fight and lose and then drive away. Yeah, they also have a sign that says, one shopping day left until Christmas, which confused the hell out me,

because yesterday there was three shopping days. What happened to that, how long was he in the church at this point? This movie does not know a time at all. Based on how long it felt, I believe that he was there stumbling his way through Santa baby for 24 straight hours. So it checks out for me. He fights this evil doctor as well. And I think this is a waste of this guy's evil medical degree. Because if you're an evil doctor, don't fistfight a wrestler. You know, be more efficient. Harold Shipman killed a lot of people in the UK as an evil doctor because he was way more

efficient. He had better time management. He knew where to apply his evil skills. Just be better evil doctor. Talk to Andrew Wakefield first. Yeah. Right. So he wins the fight.

And then there's this weird lingering cut on one of the orphans faces as he stares into the middle distance like he's remembering Vietnam. Now that doesn't make sense until a scene later when he has disappeared and we learn that he has disappeared because he has gone to Mr. Frost's house for vengeance. Yeah, it's not really clear. And if you're wondering where you've seen this boy before, it's not really clear. And if you're wondering where you've seen this boy before, it's in Mad magazine. He's, you've seen this in Mad magazine. Yeah. Also picket fences. No, it's not. It's a place. He disappears from this scene despite being

stood amongst them all within like 10 seconds, like he's there. They turn away. And then second later, he and the statue head have gone. And no one's heard him leave. And my only theory is that the statue head is the ring from Lord of the Rings. And he sort of picked it up and just went invisible. And now he's, now he's gone. So yeah, that made, I noticed that the statue head was missing as well. And I wrote, oh, Taylor wandered off to fuck the statue head. Because that's where I would go. I'm going to go with marshes. I'm going with marshes. Okay. There. One vote. Well, we'll see what Noah says next week. We'll bring him in on this conversation, Morgan, if you'd like to chime in.

Anyway, so they had a medal. No, that doesn't matter. I don't even want to just, you'll, you'll find out. It's called Vaseline Heath. Look it up. Anyway, so they head over to Mr. Frost's house. So they make their way through Mr. Frost's house. So they make their way through to the millionaire's house

where they find Taylor, what came there to assassinate Mr. Frost with a sling shot? Yes. Yes. That's the plot of the movie. And we have this weird thing that he sets up. He's like, hey, we never do violence.

And Taylor rightly is like, literally your character is defined by violence. And he's like, no, I was acting in self-defense, which just for the record, no, he wasn't. He went outside and fought someone. That is not self-defense. Again, me and Heath Somblton, we've seen lots of people say that as they are led into cop cars, we know what self-defense means. Yeah. Hulk Hogan believes in the stand your ground version of self-defense. Yeah. Or stand other people's ground in this case.

Yeah. So there's only one moment in this scene that I actually enjoyed, but I enjoyed it a lot. The bad guys are just like walking around the outside of the property of their evil lair here and they're just trying to say math words because they're so good. Oh my God, this is so good. All they could get was like a half a sentence twice at different times. He says, well, we could just square the denominator. These, I mean, you can do whatever you want. Any part of a fraction, I guess.

You could square a denominator. You could fuck with the numerator. You can do whatever you want, but those are nonsense words. And then also, a little bit later, because they couldn't combine two sentences about science or math, he says, if you quantify that data, and then he, and I was like, finish your thought, what you could, it becomes data, what do you even mean? They have no idea. They just tried so hard to have science and have.

Mike, I got the rest of the sentence. So, the first guy says, yeah, the first guy says, if you quantify that data, he's interrupted by the second guy who says, it'll never work. And then the first guy finishes sentence by saying, you'll see that I found the formula for pain. So these are evil scientists who tried to figure out the formula for pain. Wait, so if you don't quantify the data though, he wouldn't have found the formula for pain.

If there's obvious, yeah. Just qualify the denominator. You get something else. Oh, yeah, you can't get mild irritation. Oh, fuck up your whole thing. Jesus Christ. You've also got Ebenefrost my irritation. Oh, fuck up your whole thing. Jesus Christ. You've also got Ebenefrost briefing the doctor on how to clear the orphanage. And I thought, I'm not really clear why he's asking his personal physician to do that. Ebenefrost clearly

misunderstands roles and responsibilities. You know, I'll just give this guy an org chart and we'll be, we'll be way, way better off. And the formula for paying, that's fantastic. All right, well, I believe we have an amnesiac Santa Claus and some orphans pitted against a mad scientist with a fart chemist, an electricity, a haver, and an archaeological, a paleontological torture expert. That's the plot of the movie that we're watching for our job. So we're gonna take a quick break to think about our life choices.

Also, you just heard the act three hard sell. That's about as hard as it gets. So stay tuned and we'll be back for the Hulko Moniacleal conclusion of Santa with muscles No, no No, this doesn't want to have one either. Hey, hey Eli. What's up? What are you doing? Oh, hey Heath? I'm just trying to find a new murder mystery podcast. Tell us into but they're all lame and they don't even have you know What I'm looking for?

Right, right? Have you for. Right. Right. Have you tried detective trap, though? What's detective trap? Oh, it's a brand new podcast from Wondery and the Los Angeles Times. Detective trap takes you into the life of a cop who conducts herself relentlessly, hosted by award-winning journalist Chris Gofford. Detective trap is the story of a detective who fights through her own personal struggles and societies in difference to bring a serial

killer to justice. And Trap's strongest resource for catching dangerous criminals, personal experience. Ooh, that does sound good. But, you know, does it have a good story? Like, it has a great story, and it's incredibly well done. Really good podcast. All right. I'm in. Oh, wait, wait.

Is it, you know, free? It sure is free. You can subscribe to Detective Tramp on Apple podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening right now to podcasts. You can also find the link in the episode notes. Check it out. Thanks for the recommendation, Heath. I will check it out.

All right. Great. Um, just out of curiosity, what murder podcasts were you trying before? Let's check it out. Thanks for the recommendation, Heath. I will check it out. All right, great. Just out of curiosity, what murder podcasts were you trying before? Mostly guided meditations, but like nobody ever got murdered. So yeah, well, that's true. They do not in those ever. All right, everyone. Welcome to Ebna Frost's super evil team. Right. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Next up is Dr. Vile. His ways with chemicals are fairly explosive.

Oh, um, yeah. Oh, okay, I guess, yeah. A little bit weaker, a little weak. And then of course, there's Dr. Flint. He's quite a hard man. Sorry, really quick, just a question. Yeah, you in the back, yes. Is that guy, it sounds like you're describing him as an evil archaeologist?

Yeah, the evil archaeologist, Dr. Smith. So what, like he gently brushes away dirt, but evenly. Very, very evenly. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I guess. Okay, but then, of course, no team Okay. I mean, I guess. Okay, but then, of course, no team would be complete without my right hand man, Dr. Blight.

Sorry. Really, again, can we save questions? No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but like Dr. Blight, is he just a doctor? He is my personal physician, yes. Okay, he doesn't have like, germ warfare or anything like that. Oh, no, absolutely not. No, I am a germaphobe.

That's why he's here. Oh, so he's here because you're afraid of germs. That's, yes. All right, I mean, that feels a bit less evil and more, I don't know, health and safety? Health and safety, exactly. That's all I can get from that. You guys want to be in my evil millionaire team of henchmen or not? Yes, so sure, sure. Yes. Okay, good. Here are your doctor scouts.

All right. Okay, you know what? Never mind. Great. No, thank you. Thank you. Oh, mine's got a stethoscope. Play non-shot. Thank you. Ooh, mine's got a stethoscope. But none shot to bite. And we're back when we left off Hulk Hogan, the wrestler was trying to figure out a two-dimensional representation of geography. He was having trouble with it. He was looking in the window of the layer and he saw a map and he was very confused And after a few hours of staring at that map screen and then

Looking up the word excavation that he heard the bad guys say he's back at the orphanage now He thinks he understands what's happening So he's having everyone help him make a list of stuff that's underground because there's something maybe under the orphanage that the bad guy wants. And this is the craziest conversation. The adults go, oh, what's underneath the orphanage? There's water and power lines. And then the kids go, and of course, there are those old catacombs with the safe door

to which the adults reply, not, I didn't know about those, the adults reply, oh yeah, of course the catacombs, which means that the adults did not think to themselves, oh, what's underneath this orphanage that could be plot relevant? Maybe it's the water and the power lines. Oh, catacombs, sorry, you know, yeah, I mean, I didn't think that was what you meant by a, you know, didn't seem relevant. No, that's, that's, that's what I was going for. know, we are. I mean, I didn't think that was what you meant by, you know, didn't seem relevant. No, that's, that's what I was going for. Something exactly like that.

Yeah. So they go down to the catacombs that they have. And at this point, it clicked to me as to why the evil guy had an evil archaeologist on staff because he's gonna excavate some catacombs. This is, he's very good. I mean, he's done some forward planning there. I take it back.

See, this plot makes perfect sense. Right. So we learned that the kids, this is so insane. The kids have figured out that the combination so far is 824 16. I would give my left testicle the one that makes boys to find out how they know those three numbers are correct without the rest of the combination. The lock tells you when you get a correct number Eli, it makes a little bliling when you hit everyone. Everybody knows that. Doesn't even stupid a thing as well because they put the numbers in and they go, so it's eight to the right and then it's 24 to the left. And then it's a further 16 to the right and then it's 24 to the left and then it's a further 16 to the left and what you're doing there is 40 to the left.

You have to alternate directions on a local lock. You just did 840. Also, it wouldn't be 16 after 8 going in that direct. You'd be counting off if you were dialing in that direct. They're so dumb. It's pretty crazy. So yeah, they for some reason, and this will be explained heavy air quotes, but Hulk, Hulk knows the rest of the combination. So he opens the vault and inside our set pieces from Avatar. Okay. It's, uh, it's an exploding crystals cave, apparently.

They are, yeah, or according to the movie, they are quartz filled with electricity. Yep. They're glowing red rocks, which I don't think they make hulk Lee lose his strength, but they do turn him into an asshole. I think is what the red rocks do. See, I just wrote my notes, rocks that give off their own light and heat kill you. 100% of the time they kill you.

I learned something from Chernobyl. And one of the kids picks it up. And Leslie the one who runs the orphanage says, oh, put that down, you don't know where it's been. It's like, that isn't the risk. The risk isn't that it's dirty. It's that it's warm and glowing. That court says electrons, put it down.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So then he has this weird moment with Lenny that will never affect the plot where they're sort of standing outside the vault. Everyone else had upstairs and he's like, you know what Lenny? I'm starting to think I might not be fucking Santa Claus for the first time. To which Lenny doesn't break and go, yeah, you're not Santa

Claus. You're this millionaire. He goes, well, you know, you were wearing fatigues when I found you. So you're probably a murderer. So I'll let you, uh, you know, have a nice little think in this explosive cave. I'll be upstairs. All right. Bye. Yep. So now we cut back to the orphanage. We have a moment where Lenny gets a phone call from the evil Ebner and he says, you better help me get in there. So the lights go out and they go to check who it is. And it's, uh, it's the doctor again. And he has a T square. He has a T square. He has a T square. And the thing is when the electric went off, I assumed the bad guy they'd sent to turn the electric off was the electric lady, but no,

didn't even use her for that. The lights are just off that that evil dr. blight is there. The kidnapping that you know, he kidnapped them all at this point. The stakes of this kidnapping are pretty low. It's possibly the lowest they could nothing I've ever witnessed. He's also holding the T square to someone's throat as though it is sharp. Yeah, they don't know what a T square. I think they think a T square, like everybody who made this movie is quite certain a T square is a hammer. It's a weapon. Oh, I figured it out. They think the T square is what you use to square the denominator in the form of a pain. Oh, that's the formula for pain. Also, we have a great moment of one liner here. The entire movie grinds to the halt so that

Dr. Blake can say, you know, I have a Christmas wish, Santa. Get out of my life. That's it. It's the one lighter. Yes. So they fight again and Santa wins. It's a long fight, but we're not going to describe it because it's so boring. But they fight again and Santa wins, but just as he's about to deliver the killing blow, I guess, an animatronic Santa knocks Hulk Hogan off the building. He

lands in a garbage truck and his memory is back. Yeah, and this animatronic Santa, it's weird because it's unique, comes into life and it creeply turns around and puts his hand around Hulk Hogan's waist like it's David Silveman at the atheist convention. It's very strong. I literally wrote, Santa just got hired by the American atheist or whatever the internet is. The atheist the life. Yeah. We're very excited for what Santa is going to bring to this industry. Yeah. But anyway, just really quick, I got to talk about Hulk Hogan's just physical motions

throughout this movie. It's a terrible, terrible movie. Don't watch it, but watching him try to do things physically is amazing. He's, he runs several times, and it's, it's pretty fantastic. In fact, he's like near the top of our list, like we need to hire all the different stars from terrible, terrible got off movies to have like a track meet or something. Just a race. I just want to watch David Ayer White and Gary Bucy and Hulk Hogan try to run against each other and we have that budget.

I have six dollars in my wallet right now. We've got it. John Burr-Burger. Yeah. We got to get him. But Hulk Hogan's fighting style in this movie is also rough. He's a professional, you know, wrestle actor, but it's the 90s by now. And his, his fighting style was already a little

too passive in the 80s because he was kind out of shape by then. So it's rough. Like his big move now is just getting hit, you know, like he can't do it. It's like, you hit me and I like get mad. And I'm still going to be able to fight back a little bit, but not very well. Yeah. His signature move was a leg drop, even in the 80s, that's just falling. His signature move was just sitting. Yeah, it's a gravity.

I'm going to jump in land, hope not to kill you. And my legs will be under me because I'm a professional. What? Of course, that's just folly. You just fell. A lot of people's legs end up on their shoulders anyways. So yeah, he wakes up in his mansion and his butler explains to him that a garbage man recognized him, knew where he lived and brought him back home with no further questions.

Yes. where he lived and brought him back home with no further questions. Yes, he recognized him from one of his products, which, which, does he put his home address on the packaging of all of his products, which seems like a risk, although to be fair, it 100% paid off this time. So I can't knock it. You know, it's a bit like how I've got my personal phone number on numbers. I skeptic society website, although without the paying off ever. Also, Mars, do you want to think again about telling me that I can access your personal phone number?

Because you've just made a terrible mistake. I just don't know if you want that in your life, but I am going now. It's there. Enjoy. I can't do anything now. Can you? So it's about to be on skepticofaear.com as well. I'm going to find out together.

I got a lot of fun planned for QED next year. So yeah, also the book says happy Christmas here, which was just weird to me and to Hulk Hogan. You can see him like in real life, the actor Terry Hulk, Hogan, Baleia, whatever his name is being like, fuck you happy Christmas. Jew. Yeah, definitely got cut. Yeah, so he calls the orphanage,

because he's woken up and he knows who he is now, but she's mad at him and never wants to see him again. Or does she? I have no idea what was happening in the scene. They do a fake phone call of her. They record her saying the exact right things that they then play back to him because they've tapped his phone. Do I have that right? Yeah, it's the conversation she had with Dr. Blight when he was trying to seduce her right at

the back of the start of the film, which you'd think would pay off in the sense that he's been Dr. Blight's happened having a dike to phone all the time. Although I rerowned back and he very clearly turns the dike to phone off and puts it away in his pocket. So they did not recall this conversation. The movie didn't bother going back and checking that. Also, it's good that Hulk had perfect timing on this call so that they could play back exactly with that timing this piece together recording they made. I don't understand. Yeah, this is dark night levels of villain planning ahead. I'm going to pretend to be assassinating the mayor so that they arrest me and I'll put a bomb and they look the Joker and Dr. Blight were obviously comparing plans before their movies

in their levels. All right, so the kids are all disappointed and they're sitting there all sad, but then miselectro blows the door open. Oh, no, the bad guys are here to take them down to the vault to claim the Electricity filled quartz once and for all That is the stakes of the movie now. They have shifted. Yeah, and you think well, all right They've got the orphanage all these these people, the kids are going to leave now, but at least, you know, they're going to be safe. But no, he wants to keep the kids because he said, if I don't have you, who's going to do the mining for me? It's like, well, if you can have paid to, if you can afford to pay doctors, geologists,

chemists and evil electric ladies to arrange your basic land acquisitions, you can probably afford a few higher hands to do the mining. Just think about your resource allocation here. Yeah. And look, I get it that it's supposed to be like the, ooh, mean old man is going to make you do that. But like on a practical level, children would not be good minors. Like, this is not, it's not going to be useful.

And it's like, ah, they keep falling asleep at 8 p.m. We got to get some, you know, we should have hired a minor guy. In retrospect, the electric lady, she really hasn't served much of a purpose. She opened that door. She exploded the wood with electricity. She didn't open the door for the fart attack. This is a fart attack, by the way. This is another, they're using the chemist guy.

And Ebner Frost has a hazmat suit on to avoid the fart guess. And also because he's a germafob, I thought it was a combo of the two. I don't know. It's confusing. Okay. I'm just saying, if only one guy has a hazmat suit and you're not that guy, you're in on a bad plan.

Like, that's a bad guy. Even if you're part of the bad guy gang, something's gonna go wrong for you. Yeah. So we cut back to Hulk and he's sadly eating his oatmeal because the orphanage doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. And his servants are trying to cheer him up by playing surprise attack. It's like, huh? Huh?

You want to play surprise attack? There's a great one. There's a great one. He's one of the servants who says, I've never seen the boss like this. He usually loves to hit me, which I wrote. That's Eli two months after Noah's quit smoking. That's going to be what you're doing. Yeah, I don't think Noah's going to hit less because of the smoke quitting.

I'm throwing that up there. But that's when Lenny caught Lenny has had a change of heart. He calls Hulk Ogan and says, you have to save us. The bad guys are here. And then of course, Dr. Blight picks up the phone and he's like, I'm going to beat the crap out of you, Dr. Blight. And Dr. Blight's response is just like, no, thank you. The line that Hulk Hogan says to Dr. Blight is, uh, remind me to introduce you to my two little friends, lefty and righty. And I'm just gonna point out, he isn't talking about his fists there.

Hulk Hogan has named his balls lefty and righty. And I'm not sure if lefty is like my left or your left, but we're lefty with it. Very clearly. Dr. Blitz likes, sorry, was that sexual? Did you have two little friends? And then he warns Hulk to stay away from trying to win the end of the movie. He's like, from, you know, trying to win the end of the movie.

He's like, look, you know, stay away from the orphanage or I'll use your little friends in my experiment. And then Hulk is like, okay, you said little friends. Again, I always still talk about now it's the kid. This is an upsetting. You're gonna use my anyways, I'll see you when I fight you. Okay, yeah, I'll see you when I fight you. Okay, yeah, I'll see you when I fight you. And then this is another one of my favorite moments in this terrible movie. Hulk is mad here, so he crushes the cell phone that he was using, but not really. It does not go well. He tries to crush it in his hand to be like, all Hulkster-ish, but almost nothing happens. He's just like,

fuck, I really just broke one little piece there. Thought that would be. Actful. This is a lot sturdier than a shirt. Can I say that? Brother, I'd like to think it was then thinking, I mean, in a way, I'm glad I didn't break it, because this is clearly the only cell phone that Lenny knows the number two. And it might be useful for me to communicate with the people I'm trying to rescue. So breaking this was probably a bad idea, actually. I've got a very, I got a soft bruise on my hand. It's squeaky. You know, it didn't break the skin, but it's like it made it like a weird angle.

It's gonna, it's gonna leave that. It's gonna look like weird for a while. Also, it's 1996, which means this thing costs at least $750. I really can fuck this up. Yeah, that's what someone's causing out. Yeah, but they weren't just folks. So so now we had back over to the house. They're almost through the safe door because Mr. Frost doesn't know the thing. And it's time for Hulk to run from the cops again. And nothing you ever do will convince me that this wasn't just left over footage

from the first police chase that they were like, I'll use it in the second half of the movie. And the thing is he's using his staff to go and rescue the kids. And I just thought, what was this day like for his staff? You know, he saw their boss gets found in a bin dressed as Santa, wakes him sad and then says, come with me to beat up from strangers. And they're like, yeah, this seems like a good way for me to spend my Christmas day. I'll do that with you. Two Christmas is in a row. You're a dick. You have a weird life and you're a dick. This bonus this year must better be huge. So we have some distracting the cops moments here. They put the the oily salad dressing on the ground and it makes their cars slide. And then they just throws protein powder at them for some reason.

Yeah. No, no, this makes any sense. What you don't know about that protein powder is intensely cast an adjunic. That's, that's the stuff I told myself. Turns into the smoke demon from lost and just surrounds them. and like the car explodes for no reason. The police spin out the one bottle of salad dressing. It's like infinite Hanukkah oil and it turns into like the oil slick from spy hunter. Everything goes crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Parts exploding left and right.

Every one of those salad dressing bottles contains 50 gallons of oil, which is, that's the best thing about them, but it's also the worst thing, because the cost per bottle is necessarily prohibitively expensive, so that's the reason he couldn't sell. Not a great seller. Also, there's this moment, Clint Howard's character has this crazy line. He's the only one who makes it through the protein powder and he goes, I was in desert storm, you know, which is, yeah. What a weird choice for that character.

Weird flex. Okay. Let's make him a veteran Drive a Dodge Stratus mother fuckers desert storm. How dare you? Yep, and then of course last thing he dodges is A rocket launcher the police have a rocket a rocket launcher which they shoot at his car in an attempt to kill him and everyone aboard, but he dodges and it hits the other cop car with Clint Howard in it instead. Yeah. And what Clint Howard should have done was find an occupied civilian vehicle that they could

use as a shield while having this kind of shoot out battle. So now we cut back over to the orphanage where it's time to finally break the orphans out once and for all in a combination of just punching people. And I'm going to say home alone tactics. Yes, home alone, but like improvised on the spot by somebody with Hulk Hogan's brain. Like yes, that's what's happened here. He's just like looking at objects and being like, no, wacky shenanigans with. Give me a second. Car battery. Just stuff he can think of. That's what the first thing they do is they break.

Well, they don't break in. They electrocute the century at the front door with the old car battery shocking through the door knob. Trek. Yeah. And it's not just looking at objects. It's also look at the people around him because he looks at a chef and goes, oh, the best way to distract this henchman. So the common get electrocuted is for the chef to show him an entire platter of food that he just, he must have on him.

He's a chef. He's got that food on him anyway. So this is going to be the best because I can't think of any other, any other way we could distract this henchman into looking through the the spy hole of the door other than an entire platter of appetizers. A platter of finger food. Okay. Um, philosophical question again, what does this movie think electricity is in your opinion? Oh, that's great. It's, I'm gonna go with somewhere between dynamite and water. Okay.

Hey, you don't follow a question. Eli, what do you think electricity is? Just like, how would you describe it? You know what I'm gonna be fair? Somewhere between dynamite and water. Yeah. You know the writer of this movie who sued to have his name taken off the credits? Eli Bosnick. That's the right. That's the twist at the writer of this movie who sued to have his name taken off the credits,

Eli Bosnick, who did the right to be twisted at the end of this podcast. Just because I don't use a pseudonym on this podcast doesn't mean I didn't use one in another live. So yeah, they're bonking and fighting their way through the thing and they, they make it. There's also another fantastic missed one liner moment here. They spray one of the henchmen with a fire extinguisher. And there's this pause, right? Because it's the, it's the Dr. Bial, the stinky guy, right? And they spray him with a fire extinguisher. And they all pause for

the one liner and the kid just goes, it's the, uh, wouldn't want to be. Yeah. Wouldn't want to spray fire. Give me a second. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, or blight or whatever. It's one of the few times when a fire extinguisher would literally do nothing if the target is wearing a full ass mask suit. Yeah, unclear. Also they wrap him in tape, which makes his fart smell go into his own suit, but then they throw him at a window. Again, these are all physical bits of sort of action movie, but they're not connected to any other physical bits, right? It's like if you cut all of the Jackie Chan comedy bits, but then you like threw them in

a blender and then put them back together again. And you were like, yeah, it's because his magic tuxedo legs make him rumble in the Bronx. Got it. It's a movie. 1996. Also, you don't have to tape somebody into an airtight already has mass suit. That's nothing. You're just put decorating it with tape now. Indeed. Indeed. You are. So then he fights an insulting Asian stereotype. Yes, somehow this guy is both tanned, but he's

very clearly trying to be Asian as well. And he's somehow both simultaneously in yellow face and brown face, which is impressive that he's managed to achieve both with one face. Gross. And then the noises are troubling. To quote, marshes notes, if I may, oh, the noises. Oh, no, no, thank you. There's a lot of, there's a lot of, whoa, on these noises. A lot of white guys going, whaah. I'm getting this part of the movie.

We're bumble too because of these noises. So now it's time to face off with electric lady and she's like, you wouldn't hit a woman, would you? To which the movie responds, but I would. And then Lenny dumps a bucket of water on her. Yeah, yes, yeah. I'd hit a woman he says before not doing that. So you didn't need to admit to that Lenny,

you could have just poured water on it. And we wouldn't think you'd be to women. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, I'll hit a woman, a heroic moment by the hero in this movie, the hero. Yeah, the good guy, fuck. But I really thought they would do something a little bit more creative with killing the

electricity lady like, like, you know, connector to a dead car battery. So she like, jump starts it and she dies. Or I don't know. You get a long argument about them. Like, no, you put the negative to the positive, the positive to the ground. What is it? We have to plug it into a part of her with no paint. Yeah. So now they burst into the room where the adults are being held, but they're not being held. Just to be clear, they're

just sitting in there sort of waiting for the movie to end. I don't think they know that doors have two functions in the movie. Close and open are the two functions. The movie's not aware of that. functions in the movie. Close and open are the two functions. The movie's not aware of that. And just to be clear, this moment happens mid climax. This is very important. Mid climax. He blasts in the door is like, you're free now. And they're like, yeah, there were no guards. And nothing is kept us here. We were seriously just waiting the movie out. And Clayton is like, wait, sit down. I would like to give you the insane backstory of this movie. Oh, this makes no sense at all. And I sort of called this from when he did manage to figure out the combination on the door

and his initials of carved in the door, which we saw at the time. And he was a beauty. I wonder what that could mean. Anyway, I, Blake Thorne, are going to carry on through this film. But now we get the backstory and, oh God, it's worse than I thought. Yes, so weird. He was an orphan at that orphanage.

Yeah. And so was Mr. Frost. Yeah. But he just forgot about the cave full of electric courts. Yes. Because he's supposed to have his memory back. Yeah, he's meant to have his memory back at this point, but he didn't remember that he had a best friend called Ebenefrost, which to be fair, that's such a common name.

There's no way he could have known it was the same Ebenefrost. Well, I'm guessing he was having a lot of garbage-based concussions as a child. That's what happens at an orphanage where they make you do weird amounts of manual labor, I guess. I don't know. And there's just one tiny moment as he's doing the suggestions to a photo, and I wanted so badly for them to pan over to like a super, righted out mussely baby. And he's just like, oh, there you are.

Little Blake torches with the handlebars, the mustache. So now it's time for the final confrontation with, and, and, well, Dr. Blight first, right? We've got a lot of work. Oh, right. Yes, yeah. Yeah. Dr. Blight gets partially seduced by the lady who runs the thing for a second, and then they distract him with that and then push him into the freezer.

Am I remembering this correctly? That's great. Yeah. So that's, he does end up in the freezer. But to be fair, it was either that or first being interviewed by Piers Morgan live on breakfast television. So the freezer is the one that we chose. I was too honorable. Too honorable. Not to work with Dr. That did happen. Just in case you want to wear that's what Boris Johnson did when when faced with an interview on breakfast television live, he went and hid in a freezer instead. Still a little lacking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, happened this week. To be fair, Jeremy Corbin just promised to hide in the freezer.

If Jeremy Corbin had promised to hide in the freezer, Labour might have won the election. And, and just one note on this seduction thing here, it's a kids action movie. So she can't say any seducey words. So she's just like, you know, Dr. Blight, you sure are lab coats, do move towards the freezer, please. You got a nice looking T square. If you know what I mean,

I don't know what you mean. No, but yeah, he's just like slowly moving towards the freezer and then what's his name? The kid from Picket Fences gets him to the trip move. So that's exciting. This movie, it's just farts and tripping and it's great. Like I'm pretty sure I wrote this when I was eight when I did a short story for like my eighth, you know, eight year old third grade writing part of the class. Like the movie is amazing, honestly, within that milieu. Like when you're eight, you control not much. You control farts and tripping. Like those are the things you can do.

And like, you know, you can't have a hammer, but you can have a T square. So this is like an eight year old being like, yeah, you know, using the objects around This is like an eight or something. Yeah. You know, using the objects around me just like home alone. Yeah. The thing is, well, again, missed opportunity for one line it. You slam the bad guy in a freezer. He's just been trying to sort of come onto you. You could have said time for you to cool off and then leave. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the Hulk Hogan's character and they have this weird moment because they realize they haven't established that Ebner knows who Hulk Hogan's character is and that they were children together. So if that weird like running to someone from your hometown and they're like bling or jesski get out of here. What are you up to? Oh, I'm, you know, stopping you. Cool. Cool. Well, I'm no way. I'm up to be an evil still wait. What you're you're being evil. Yeah. No Do you still see Allison? I remember you guys are Alice. Yeah, yep still see her so I'm

I have to get milk back at the other side of the side. Yeah I gotta go talk to you later I'm cool. I'll have a big messy divorce on Facebook next year if you want to go on with that. No, go on with that. All those messages. That's great. Do not worry. I will make sure everyone sees that. Please Facebook me.

I'm serious. They have that little awkward thing and then they fight. The electric rock fight. They do. There's also a lovely exchange as well where they sort of do the intimidating language to each other. I'm going to stop you and he says, oh, you're going to stop me? Yes. Yes. The thing that I just said, yes, absolutely. What are you saying? So they fight and then slingshot kid shoots, Ebner and he's out of his hazmat suit.

Oh, there's one of the tiny little lines as well that I'd brought down because I loved Blake. Sir Hulkhogan says to Ebner, leave these folks alone. If you've got a problem with me, let's take it outside. It's like, no, you, you miss under the plot. You totally miss and just stand the plot. He's not. He didn't have a problem with you. He wants the crystals and the orphanage. Like he didn't know you were coming. You were, you were very much peripherals and higher thing. That would have been the best of you. It's just like, yeah, I'll meet you outside and Hogan walks outside. And he just takes all the crystals. Oh, shh, oh, classic trick to game.

Yeah, so they have an electric crystal fight, slingshot kid shoots, Ebner, which makes his germ suit come off. So he is defeated. And then they all run outside because the electric filled crystals are going to implode the church or finage church. Yes, still there. And all the characters are like hugging at this point on both teams. So like at some point they all like had to run out of this thing because of the crystal

court, the electricity of the courts. And they all got outside and they're like, all right, seriously, they'll time out on our gangs being in a fight. We gotta watch some sparky things. Yep, seriously, time out. They literally take a time out and all watch. And then the cops pull up and it rests the bad guys.

But like, if that orphanage, like if anything that disturbs those crystals can set off a chain reaction that causes that orphanage to Implored in fairness. It was never safe for those kids to be living in that orphanage and Abby has done them a massive favor I drive him out of that unsafe environment He is the protagonist of this movie. It's a movie about shitty orphans and asshole wrestlers and People who are anti-Germaphob. It's a very good movie. It's important movie about shitty orphans and asshole wrestlers and people who are anti-Germaphob. It's a very good movie.

It's important. Absolutely. So they have the, oh no, what's going to happen to us now that our orphanage church imploded and he goes, wait a second, I've got an idea. And we cut to like a hundred kids playing around his mansion. No, not his mansion. Eppner's mansion. It's not even his mansion.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no he'll allow to have his like house, you

know, I love this movie. I love God, I love this movie. So it's, it's Ember's house, which we're about to find out is literally next to a jail. So he, his plan is like, yeah, we'll put it off and it's next to a jail. There we go. Yeah, absolutely. And it's like, no one he could have followed this mansion. It's a bigger mansion, but we assumed he was a millionaire. Maybe it wasn't that rich. It's just he's bought a very cheap mansion because it's directly prison adjacent at this

point. But like all of these kids, there's so many more kids there. So did he, did he go back and get all of the other kids unadopted to come live in this mansion? No. Or maybe a lot of parents died or something in the implosion, like there was a back draft thing killed a bunch of people. No, I think it was a birthday party.

They were all wearing birthday hats. I think this is a birthday party for one of the three orphans. Oh, that makes sense. Solve the orphan problem for three kids is the resolution of this movie. I'm quite certain. And the point as well, Clayton is writing a lawnmower around as well, which means that what Blake for Hulk Hogan said was, all these kids, you can come live for free in this mansion. And Clayton, you can be the gardener there. You can work. You can be the servant. You

can live in the slayer, and squarner. And the final moment of this movie is the children looking into a telescope at the villains in jail to which little letter writing girl goes, it's a Christmas miracle. The final line of this movie is, it's a Christmas miracle as a little girl's description of imprisonment and torture of her enemies. The end. And we close with Hulk Hogan. Taking his Santa hat off and being like, yay, and he throws it in the air. And it lands on a bush like a sculpted bush.

And then they zoom in on it. And they for like eight minutes, we watch like slow zoom in on this hat on a Bush. Did that mean something? Do you think they were like, I get where they set up like a sequel, like a really interesting return of the Bush. Based what was happening. I thought about this for hours. I could not get this out of my head. And that's the end of the movie. So you guys don't know what the bushing is. This is going to be okay. That's fine. Nope. That's safe. The sequel. And that's the end of the movie. That is literally the end of the movie. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to need you guys to tell me more about this or at least give me a suggestion. So before we wrap it up, we're going to give Jordan Belfort and his

production team some marketing advice. What's the sequel? Ideally, how do they tie in that bush? Because I must fucking know. Oh, the sequel is actually Jordan Belfort going to jail. That's the sequel. Okay. I think you can still stay around the big holidays. What you've got is Santa, so Christmasy, you've got muscles or a physical attribute. I'm going to go Easter Bunny with legs. It's someone who's got legs who hits his head on a bin. He's convinced he's the Easter Bunny, and he's very good at being the Easter Bunny because of his his legs. Because the legs. Yep, legs got it.

Still better than this movie. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review of Santa with muscles soon to be Easter Bunny with legs, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you excited about our Hanukkah, Tacular. That's right. Eli, tell us what's on deck. Oh, hallmarks, I believe only Jewish movie, loving Leia.

Wow. What if, what if a Levitical marriage turned to love the movie? Get ready ready everybody. It doesn't get one Jewish friend and they want to prove it. And all right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 226 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Marsh for joining us once again.

Love having on for anyone who's new. Where can they get some more marsh besides got awful movies? You can check out the serious grown up work that I do for a living over at GoodThinkingSsociety.org. I know. The Skeptics of the K podcast, which is going out every fortnight, so you can check those places out. Fantastic.

Marsha actually does really have an adult job that matters in the world. So you can check those places out. Fantastic. Marsha actually does really have an adult job that like matters in the world. Fuck you. And once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And then I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving a five-store review on iTunes. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, citation needed, and the skeptic rat, the Elon iTunes Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts

live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, of Evil Drafts, Hard Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Michael Marshall and Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Breakfast Club Close. Animal House clothes. Ebna Frost and his henchmen were late to found dead in their cell. The coroner said suicide, but the internet was unconvinced. Epitien didn't kill itself. Thanks to our progressive enlightened political landscape here in the US,

Michael Marshall moved here. Hulcugen went on to prove that he didn't know he was being filmed by saying the N-word just a bunch of times during that sextade. A bunch. Did he really? Yeah. Oh, God. Wow.

I'm getting worse. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in Are you measuring yourself? I am measuring myself. And saying it out loud. I am still alive. I am alive, guys. So what everyone does with a status quo. I have not read an Estician one, so I didn't realize it was a character that I did not invent on the fly. It was great. It was a lovely, like, straight performance. It was, it was like Hopkins in Remains of the Day. There's a lot going on underneath the The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved