God Awful Movies - 227: Wish for Christmas

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

This week, we team up for an atheist review of "Wish for Christmas", the story of a young girl wishing her parents were atheists and Pureflix reveling in the fact that there's no social cost to bigotry against that minority. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Also, no! Atheists just eat breakfast! We don't say Atheist graced before we fucking do it! We just eat food! Nothing, okay, there we go, okay, now you can eat. Piro would please turn to me and thank me for preparing this meal. Yes. Yes. Alright, now you can eat. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. What you can. And I'm sure we all have, but then we had to settle for real close to the promised land a few times. No, you didn't. I'm your host, no illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend. He then right. He's welcome back. I hurt myself. Sorry, you guys go somebody else go. All right, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosn again. If anyone had ever fucked themselves, it would have been this guy still hasn't actually

technically happened. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fantastic. No, it's all about that reverse plow. You can do the reverse plow. Too many people go for the regular plow. It's the reverse plow. Wait, you curl yourself backwards like a scorpion, like tape to tape, to make the tape loop. Absolutely.

Okay. All right. I got to feel like we're the only people that reviewed this movie that started this way. So it's nice to know we're putting something original out there. And we're doing some yoga together. It's totally. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Ethan, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Wish for Christmas. It's the extremely depressing and also wildly offensive story of what happens when you go from Christianity to atheism and back again. So basically it's the life of Joey Lawrence, who is in this movie, get excited. You're a wholesome child star, singing on Carson, then you're on Blossom and you make money, which means you become an evil atheist because you know, gainful employment equals evil atheists. Yep. Then you run out of money and do terrible Christian stuff again

with Melissa Joan Hart. And then you become a chippendale's dancer in Vegas for a few weeks. You do. Then you make this movie, then you go bankrupt. So that's his story. It's very similar. God provides.

Chapter 11 protection. God provides Chapter 11 protection God And Eli how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved it's a wonderful life, but you hated that the title didn't end but just for us You will love this movie if you've ever yelled us. You will love this movie. If you've ever yelled, none of her, my roof you won't through a locked bedroom door. This is the Christmas movie for you. Let me tell you. All right. I will say this is my favorite, like one sentence plot in the history of this show, right? Like this is one that I'm like, I'm looking forward to telling people, oh no, I watched a movie where the plot was this film. This, yeah. Which is that a girl, it's a liar liar, basically, except that the girl

wishes her parents didn't believe in God. And we get to see what that does to a person through the eyes of a Christian filmmaker. Yeah. We get to see what the folks at Pureflix think atheists are like. Yes. And way wealthier than we are, by the way, that's like, yeah, yeah, that's one of the things. But not the only one. Okay.

Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going with best worst commercial for Pure Flick. Yeah. Not in the movie. Yeah. It's the first thing before the movie. So we're going to talk about it in a second, but it's just it's David A. R. White trying to sell everyone on a lifetime membership to Pure Flick. But here's the thing with this, if you have to refresh

the pure flicks tab on your browser, it makes you watch that same fucking ad again. Oh, no. Fast forward. So I had to watch this ad fucking 19 times because pure flicks has a goddamn Amish guy with a butter turn running their servers. So I had to pass all the fucking down. I got so goddamn angry. Oh, I was yelling at the screen by myself for a bunch of last. Like, you know, when you get crazy and you like, cry into a mirror, I was doing that. I just quit smoking. Yes. I guess I know exactly. All right. And believe it or not, we have more to say about that commercial to come.

All right. I was going to go with best worst movie poster facial expressions. Right. DeFi. So dumb. Oh my, you can just look at them and you're like, uh, dumb people. Yeah, right. No, yeah, exactly.

You look at this fucking movie. If you rented this back in the old days when you like had to look at a box and shit and see that like this movie like the facial expressions tell you everything that you needed to know to put it the fuck back, right? You can divide it like right down the middle because the people on the right, one of them is Joey Lawrence and the other one is the star of the movie. Well, yeah, it was Joey Lawrence and they look like movie people on their side of the movie. Well, yeah, was joy, Lars. And they look like movie people on their side of the poster, but then on the left, you've got Bill Engvall and this other lady,

looking like it's like the senior trip picture where they're pretending to be sober because they know their mom's going to see this on Facebook. Like it's one of those things. Like if you take a picture of your spouse and they're making the face that this lady is making on this poster, you show it to him discreetly and you're like, you know, we're going to do this again, right? You know, and they're like, Oh, yeah, thank God. Yeah, because you love them. Also, this poster is strong, strong evidence that there has never been a photograph of bill angvall with his eyes open, right?

Because if there were one in existence, you would supplant it onto this poster. But since we can only conclude it does not exist. He's stuck with this one. Definitely somebody just did that like white power sign below the waist and got punched in the deck or whatever the stupid game is. They're laughing about it. Definitely somebody just did that like white power sign below the waist and got punched in the dick or whatever the stupid game is. They're laughing about it. All right, and of course I went for the easy one.

I'm going to go with best worst depiction of atheists. Look, this movie's entire purpose is to make us seem villainous. And the major defining characteristics that they will give these characters when they turn atheists is generosity to their daughter and knowing how mortgages were. It's phenomenal. They try so hard and fail to make us look douchey and they do it in like the most bigoted possible way, but still they fail. They do.

All right, well, tell you what, we're about to revisit whatever happened to Joey Lawrence and Eli needs a minute to prepare for that emotionally. So we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into all the failure to think of any advantages at all to being Christian that is wish for Christmas. It's not a wish, by the way, they couldn't wish get the rights to the indefinite article. It's just wish for Christmas. Yeah. A wish for Christmas is a much better movie with Lisa Chabair. Yeah. Oh, all right.

Gratitude weener. Hey podcast listener, do you like our shows? Do you have an impossible to shop for a gam fan in your life? Well then why not get them tickets to God off a movie's live in Los Angeles February 15th? Namaste. That's the sound LA makes. We'll be at the Hudson Theatre on Santa Monica Boulevard, but don't wait to check the show notes for this episode for the link to buy tickets. There are only 99 seats and we're gonna sell them all! God awful movies live in LA because we're tired of eating tacos not from a truck! Delicious!

And so then I yell, I would die from my God right into the mic. Awesome, you show that town my God right into the mic. Awesome. You show that town hall, right? Thank you. Yeah. Nice. Hey guys. Hey Steve, what's up?

Well, I just got some really bad news about the movie that we wrote. Oh, Jew for Christmas. Oh, you mean the one where the girl wants to go to the winter ball. So she wishes her family was Jewish, right. But then she realizes now that they're Jewish, they're total jerks. Dude, Dave, language, sorry. Sorry. Yeah. No, that's, that's the one. Well, apparently, according to the guys upstairs, it's two on the nose. Oh, yeah, because it's about how not being Christian turns you evil. Well no, no, I mean, act two is literally about how their noses are getting bigger. That's true.

They do. Yeah, well, they say it was funny, but anyway, they have no, but we need to change it now. All right. Um, I mean, is there like a group we can villainize with no consequences, maybe? Yeah. Eighth. Yes. Maxicans. What?

Atheists. Yep. Good. We all said atheists. And we're back for the breakdown, but before we start the movie, David A.R. White would like to have a word with us. He comes on and I honestly, I expect him to go, you know, look, Eli Heath, Noah, I know it's you guys.

It's just you guys at this point. Okay. Can we stop with the fucking charade here. Tell you what, you do a lifetime membership to our podcast and we'll see who works out better. So Patreon works for a lot of folks. I wrote in my notes, we're offering a lifetime membership because everything is fine. It's actually better than fine. We're not desperately cash-strapped and hoping your grandma can't do math. We're doing great. Look how wide our eyes are. Don't answer now though, but we're just saying you might not be able to give us a thousand dollars to. Yeah, exactly. He's like, no, while supplies last of zeros and ones were streaming services, a weird

pitch. He's like, hi, I'm David A.R. White. You know, blow is more expensive than you realize at the time. In the moment, it's just, you know, it's a hard deal to do. You're getting some forever. Just Japan, you know, I was also like, I was disturbed. I was slightly disturbed and then really disturbed when I found out why, but I was slightly disturbed when David A.R. White referred to buying a $1000 lifetime membership

to their streaming service as a donation. Oh, that's, I mean, that's why it's not, but why? Why can you call it a donation? As I learned literally seconds before this record, Pure Flix, this streaming service that's selling a religion is a 501 C3. Yeah. That is.

God damn it. And look, I didn't get a chance to do the research, but that means somewhere legally, I can look up how much Pure Flix plays people and that is a segment of this show. Oh, God awful foyers. All right. Yeah, we'll revisit that sometime soon. Perhaps we've got a new segment on the scathing

atheist called how the hell is this a charity or something. But anyway, oh, that's great. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I know. I think I think we may just have a new 2020 second episode one. Christian. Yeah. All right. So we're going to open the movie proper on shots of a bucolic New England town in early winter. Of course, the first thing that comes up after the logos and shit is Joey Lawrence's

name. That's what I got for Christmas. Here we go. Pure Flicks for when the Cuxet Hallmark won't stand their ground. Also, this is mustard seed entertainment who made this one too. By the way, we've watched a one or two of their movies already. Yeah, this catching faith was theirs. Yeah.

Little boy. Yeah, right, right. That was like it way early on. We did that one. But just title wise, maybe don't bring that up. The thing that God got wrong. He couldn't size seeds. The omnipotent, I'm mission God of you. First couldn't be like or could seed mustard seed bigger smaller bigger smaller. I'm an idiot. Jesus also by the way, the credits reveal that Bill Engvall will be in this one.

The man who literally dreams of Jeff Foxworthy success will be in this one. Man, if only there'd been some kind of sign of where Bill Engvall's career was going. God, and we're getting that weird kind of hallmarking music here. But what they can afford, yeah, exactly. It's like, I'm a Christmas elf and I'm not stalking music. It's not fair. All right. So now we're in a church and damn it if we're not texting, right?

So we're focused on a group of teenage girls who are not taking churches seriously as they should be. Oh, they were fucking blown away by this level of technology at Pureflix. They were like, wait, the phone goes on the screen. You're a fucking wizard. So, yeah, so we're reading the chicks texts. They're all very excited about the winter ball. We also meet the hip pastor uncle here who is giving this sermon that's trying to sound cool, but he's just like, but the message literally is, you know, Christmas is awesome, but that's just a taste to how awesome the end of the world's going to be. but that's just a taste to how awesome the end of the world's gonna be. Yes! Okay, sure.

We all like Christmas stockings, but imagine emptying out the four bowls of the apocalypse. That's the best sense of fucking serving. Oh. God, the whole time I just wanted somebody to get up and be like, we should pay taxes and help poor people. What the fuck we do? This is so long. Instead of the magic candles, let's do a thing.

God damn it. Yeah. Nobody ever does that at church. I think people do that at church once in a while. Yeah, but yeah, right, right. But then they ask me to leave. Just one more. I was gonna say.

All right, but yeah, so the main character, this is Anna. Anna is a 17 year old. We're going to say older than 17 year old actor so that some of my notes later are more comfortable for everyone. All of these actors are 50 something and there's supposed to be a nice school. I was going to say Noah, don't worry about it. The crow's feet next to her. I say over the 17 year old. But yeah, but she's a teenager for the purposes of this movie. And she has to light the first Jesus candle. Oh, and there's so much angry mimeing around lighting this Jesus candle. Buster Keaton would have shouted from the back. Little much guys. Little

much. All right. So the church services over. we go outside and this is where we meet her parents. Good guy lawyers who won't take money from big evil banks. They exclusively work pro bono. I wrote my notes. Well, then you're not technically lawyers, are you? You're nothing. You're nothing. It's like when you want a photographer for your wedding, you go with the guy who says,

no, I don't, I never charge for my stuff. Yeah, right. You must be. I do pro bono lawyer work whenever I want. I can do it. I'm doing it right now. But yeah, the bank is trying to get them to like join the bank side on some four closures. Oh my God.

And as soon as I found out that Joey Lawrence was going to be a lawyer, I got real excited because I was like, he's going to have to say fucking lawyer words throughout this movie. He's going to be amazing. He never will, by the way, they know, they know better than to try to get him doing Latin, you know, they tried to get him to do one Latin word and it was like a day of takes. You just stick with whoa. That was a great catch of takes. And they're like, okay, you just stick with whoa. That was a great catchphrase. That's awesome.

Build a career around it. So the pastor guy comes out. Now we, we established here that the pastor is her uncle. Now there's not really a reason for this except that the pastor dude is fucking hot. He really is. And later on in the movie, it won't make sense that her and the pastor aren't fucking if he's not her uncle, right? Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. I mean, he looks like a, he's kind of like a Tom Hardy, but gentle kind of a look. Yeah, he totally did

it for me. Anyway. Yeah. So I got to be honest. So did Joey Lawrence. He's looking good. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Rough times, but he's looking good. Yeah. He's still, yeah, he's still got the looks. Yeah, absolutely. Interesting. For when you want a Kirk Cameron with more pain in his eyes, I can't. Like I said, he's looking good. So the next day, we've got him getting, we haven't breakfast. Dad's getting ready for court and so that he won't have to say any lawyer words. He just asks about his tie. He has this plain red tie that he walks to his wife and he's like, is this plain red tie too wacky? Am I getting fucking crazy up in here?

Is this tie? Take attention away from the Lord. I need to go right now. I was so mad too. Like really, it's just right to be any of the movie and we're talking about fucking ties. It's like small talk, the movie. Yeah.

Fuck. Yes. Watching a movie about talking to Normie's God. And then is though that's not bad enough, right? Like the girl walks in, Anna walks in and mom is like, no, you can't wear that to school. I can see your shoulders. Now keep in mind, shoulders, ankles like objectively, that's just as fucking stupid, right?

Like both of those things are equally fucking stupid. But from in the world of this movie, like the girl walked in and those in that little tank top outfit and all of the viewers of this film were like, oh, I would never let my dot, oh, okay, she's gonna make a put on a sweater. Okay, all right. Thank goodness. Yeah.

I almost asked for a refund from my lifetime membership because I was getting the palpitations of that young girl's clavicle. It's okay, the. Oh, I didn't even understand what was happening here. So she came down and the parents somehow indicated that the outfit was no good. Like, I just saw the daughter walk down stairs, yell and run out as if like maybe his tie was like the same color.

Like it was going to collapse and they looked dumb. Dude, that is, you saw what happened, right? The editing on this was so fucking bad that I had to piece that together in retro spect. Yeah, absolutely. My note was, why is she mad about the tie? Maybe it is too loud. Okay. Because she's wearing like just clothing. Yes, yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. It's just you can just see her shoulders. That's it. That's it. So, okay. So she sits down to to breakfast. They have this conversation where she's basically just skating as close as she possibly can to saying, yeah, I'm going

to fuck everybody and come men, women, whoever pretty much wants to. I'll do three ways, five ways. I'm going to try a lot of shit. But that, that, that they get as close to that as they can, right? Yeah. I think it's so close to, she's like, well, I'll have you know that you still live with us for the rest of the year. And she's like, cool. I wish you were dead. Uh, sat on the Lord. I wish you were dead set on the Lord like I am. And they have this dynamic thing where she's texting and her parents, because they're just good Christians, they just want to spend some family time with her. So she puts her

phone down the second she puts her phone down. They're like, okay, geez. They do their pre-praying prayer. Yeah, well, yeah So mom says hey put down your phone so we can spend some time together She's like okay fine and then she says let me read some Jesus shit and then do a fucking can prayer It's like well then no just let her be on her goddamn phone She literally goes to pick her phone up after the Jesus quote and she goes, we haven't prayed yet And I wrote in my notes, you see that was the pre-praying talking about Jesus He's like the hobbits, but with the Lord instead of meals

All right, so she goes to school. This is where we meet her crush Colton Who is 43 years old? Oh my god, right? crush Colton, who is 43 years old. Oh my God, right? And he asks her to the ball by offering her a carnation. He's so cheap and shitty. And the movie wants us to feel bad for Colton because she's like, she wanted one red rose. And we're supposed to go, ooh, what a spoiled print. But card nations look like something a clown shits in a cartoon. So even the movie can't be like, that's, um, yum. I always wished my flowers were furrier. And also, this is just, it's a throwaway line, but I loved it so much. After she says, yes, she'll go to the ball with him.

He says, all right, I'll see you in science, which is a class that teaches a nice, cool thing. Science. I'll see you in allogy of, uh, sweat, study, you're going gonna be in learning class today? Ian studying study class. And also, they agree to the date and she says, all right, text me the deets because they're gonna go to the winter ball together.

And he's like, what? Deeds, I'm 43 years old. I have no idea what that word was. Text, what is text? Yeah. It's turned to her. Okay, Wummer. All right. So yeah. So, but she's going to go to the ball with him. She walks off and then she like teams up with her friends. And then we, this is where we realized that they were going for mean girls, right? Oh, God, I love this so much. It's just a series of cruel, not funny statements followed by Akui 45 second silences.

They're the best. But they're going full mean girls here, just directly trying to steal it for this interaction with these three female characters in high school. And at this point, I was just like super duper rooting for a sloppy, lindsey lowhand who found Jesus after rehab to be introduced into the movie. I didn't see your name in the credits, but I was like, oh man, she's like the next Joey Lawrence, she belongs in this movie, she's right there. Yeah. We should have a fantasy career death league about.

Yeah. A career death is about to happen for Lindsay Lohan. She's right there with Joey Lohan. All right. No, that's a good bet. That's a good bet. She's like a first round. Yeah, absolutely.

All right. So and and that's the thing that you have to keep in mind when you're watching these movies. The goal here is whatever your kids favorite movie is. Pureflix wants to be like, here's a movie like that, but Christian, right? And that's very clearly what happened. Their assignment was make Christian mean girls. Yep.

So that's exactly what we're watching here. All right. And speaking of which, now we have to introduce doork girl for them to pick on. Now, keep it. Like, they have nothing to do with this character Right little they'll resolve this sort of half ass off screen later But they pick on door girl because this is supposed to be mean girls Not because it fits into the fucking plot not because it matters like there's no reason for this character to even be a bully

Mm-hmm totally skippable, but when they did it, I just wrote, oh, damn, they're getting a tape. Peace. Peace. Reasons why? Is that due to reason why, thank you. Thank you. 13 reasons why, reference. I just throw out the courtesy laugh when he does stuff like that.

I'm just like, that's probably funny. I don't know. Oh, it is. That's the people of the whole reference. Bravo. People are loving my three year old 13 reasons why, jokes. Let me tell you, right now of the whole reference. Bravo. People are loving life. Three year old 13 reasons. Why jokes? Let me tell you right now, they're rolling, rolling.

All right, so now we check in with mom and dad at work at their Christian law firm, right? Were they literally answer the phone bringing the light of Jesus to the law or whatever? Hey, honestly, I wish more Christian lawyers would do that because that would let anyone who just wanted legal advice know to hang up the phone. Yeah, right. Oh, you're a hate group.

Cool. You're definitely a hate group. You answered the phone, bringing light to the law. This is the Jesus law firm or whatever the fuck the Claren law firm of Jesus. Yeah. And so immediately I was like, oh, great. So like we're going to get them the fighting against the SPL see it some point. Like this is going to be fun. Yeah.

Well, no, I'm sure that's what they're thinking about for the sequel. Oh, yeah. We're going to get like a Matt Staver X Machina at the end of the sequel. And also like this is amazing to me, right? Because they have to try to establish that these, these do sure are thoughtful employers to their secretary, but they can't do it because these people aren't thoughtful and don't really know what that would look like. Right. So they come, the, the secretary says, Hey, you know, I got into an auto accident on my way to work today.

I re-rendered somebody and I'm in pain and my car is all screwed up. And the way that they try to make them empathetic is that they say, all right, well, I'll drive behind you while you take your car to the shop and then bring you back here to work. Right. Say more. They don't say like, why don't you take the afternoon off? It sounds, that sounds pretty traumatic. We don't really have a lot for you today or anything like that. Nope. But I'll tell you what, you can take your 15 to drive your

car to a prayer place. And I won't even dock you for the time it takes me to drive you back. Mary Christmas. We're Christians. Good thing we're not atheists or none of this would work out for you. Yeah. By the way, question for you guys right at the beginning of this little exchange though. The secretary Rebecca, right? My name's Rebecca. She says she doesn't say I had a car accident. She looks at her bosses with a really awkward face and says I had an accident. And so for like several seconds before they explain I was like, she

shat herself and can't move from her chair. It's going to explode off of her chair and she's been sitting there for half an hour waiting for them to get help. I don't know. Hey, I really related to this character in that moment. I just want to say how many times have you been stranded somewhere because of something like that? I mean, there's a reason why I record from home. That's all I'm going to say.

Yes, there is. Amazingly enough, that is not the only time this actor will give you reason to think she should shout herself. What kind of help would you ask for there? Eat like, all right, I need you to set up buckets around the sides of this chair. You want a painter's cloth that they can just wrap you and the charion up to your neck. You tie a bunch of scrunchies around it and then you just get in the shower and turn the water on as hot as you can and tear your way out.

It's like putting a goldfish in a new tank. You wouldn't understand. Yeah. Really specific answer with an analogy. Okay. Yeah. We're gonna take a quick break while Eli does whatever he wants. All right, so meanwhile, back at the school,

a blonde friend just learned that the winter ball has been moved to Christmas Eve night. He he he. So Anna, the main character that she's very upset to learn that the winter ball has been moved to Christmas Eve night. So Anna, the main character that she's very upset to learn that the Winter Ball has been moved to Christmas Eve because she won't be able to go. She has to go to church on Christmassy. Her parents would never let her not go to church on Christmassy. The conflict of the movie, everybody.

The conflict of the moon. Well, that's the main conflict, but we also have to introduce the conflict between her and her blonde friend over which of them is going to give the big speech at the winter ball. Again. And again, this is supposed to be mean girls, but it is so acoey and hateful. So I'm going to be the one giving the speech. Are you doodly doing my murder? I feel like you're doodly doing my murder right now. Get out of the doodly doodly. This is through out in the murder of you doodly doodly doodly.

So it like throughout this entire fucking movie is just like, why would these people hang out with each other? Are they they hate each other? So God damn. So much. And again, they're just trying to do bitchy teenagers, but they've never related to a young person. So it's just their relationships to their teenagers who do hate them. So they're like, yeah, believe me. I'm aware of teenage. Like, like when they say, I'm moving away and I'll never speak to you again, classic teenage move. Also they have no idea what a speech is apparently.

Oh God. Because one of the girls describes it like, all right, well, I'm gonna do my speech sparkly. What? You know, one's like, oh, well, you're stupid. You're a bitch. I'm going to do a matte speech. Fuck you. What are you talking about? The finish of your speech visually. All right. And so now it's time to introduce Bill Engvall, aka Homeless Santa. I got to be honest, Bill Engvall is perfect for this part.

Yeah, anybody already looks like Homeless Santa Claus. Oh, he's nailing it. My theory is that they just had a scene where she was walking down the street and he happened to be there doing that. Bill Engvall? Is that you? Oh, guys, we got to get, he's the sign guy. We gotta put him in the movie. You give me $10 or more. You can fuck me or you can have this blue collar comedy

tour blue ring. Or I'll be in your movie. Sure. Yeah. Also, please take this blue comedy collared tour blu-ray No What if I put a ten dollar bill inside the case for you to stop you right there Well, but he's he's homeless Santa and he's collecting money for the Ten of salvation could they not get the rights to the salvation army? Is that what happened? I'm sure they couldn't No, certainly not Yeah But yeah, she's a bitch so she throws a tin can in there to which one of the good guys in the movie replies you know what fuck you But I am keeping it for the next time

Fucking nickel you know, yeah, Michigan will give you a 10 cents But I am keeping it for the next time. Yeah, I know. I know. His fucking nickel. Yeah, Michigan will give you a 10 cents. I do like the idea of fucking with the Salvation Army guy like fuck them. That's the terror. They're not really charity. They're much as old like I want to start filling that bucket with like coupons worth a hundred of a penny. No, no, you have a game.

You go figure it out. I don't know. I value it. The bottom of it., you have a game. Go figure it out. It says value at the bottom of it. There you go. Enjoy. No taxes on that. Congratulations. I haven't even chewed that piece of gum yet.

You should be happy to get it. That's like that the fucking five of those is worth 25 cents. Make sure you don't accidentally give that coupon to a gay person. There you go. All right. And then also it's time for us to meet the neighbor who's about to be evicted from his home. Now, they're going to do a whole big and that or do. They're going to try for a whole big analogy with the, you know, you put, you, if one bulb

goes out, the whole string goes out thing, but modern Christmas lights don't work like that. They do not. Nope. So they have to like insert this line, like they, the clumsily insert this line where I think I'll like, I can't believe they still make these Christmas lights that were outdated 27 years ago. And he's like, yeah, it's very odd that I would own one of these.

I'm supposed to be rich. But if we were to do an analogy throughout our life story, they will make sense later established that now. We great. What were you saying? Yeah. And this is where mortgage guy gets introduced to the movie. Yeah.

And gosh, Golly, he could use some legal help because he um, didn't pay his mortgage. This is a classic stakes of a shitty movie thing. Oh, the banks for closing on my butt. They're my because of the brick and they're going to knock over the ski center. Yeah. This movie is so, the people who wrote this movie are so stupid that they didn't realize that the stakes of that are not, they're taking my house because I stopped paying for it. Because I stopped paying the mortgage. Well, and also like the usually then,

then the stakes would be, I need a bunch of money to catch up on my mortgage. Not I need legal advice. You're like legal advice is pay your fucking more. Also, can you Ipsom plurum my Netflix subscription back? I took one of those credit cards. They send you in the mail and then

activated it. Then I signed up and then I deactivated it. But they water. I want to finish nailed it. Well, that's what happens. Joey Lawrence is like, oh, don't worry, I'm a lawyer. You're good. I'll just file a, we're not paying the mortgage for him. And you'll be fine. Yes. Exactly. And I'll sprinkle it with Latin. And it'll all be fine. And okay. And so this neighbor who's about to be a big did this is Colton's dad.

Colton is the love interest that's going to take Anna to the ball. Yeah. And she walks over and the first thing she says to Colton is text me. I just wrote my notes text me. What are you gay? Text me. What do they for clothes on your fucking phone? Oh, sorry.

Are you guys homeless? But I love this moment too, because like she wanders off and coldens like, yeah, dad, I didn't tell you. I'm taking Anna to the winter ball. And then right in front of Joey Lawyers in front of this girl's dad, as this movie would have us believe, he goes nice. Really? It's the creepiest of nicest.

Right? It's not like, oh, nice. It's like, nice. You might as well say, you're going to hit that, you know, fucking hit that. Yeah, that's right. Everything about his tone says, are you going to, you got to con him in your wallet? Good. Give it to me.

Raw. Start with one, then go to two, and then the spider man, right? Right? Yeah. That's your daughter. Yeah, she loves the spider man. Yep. So.

All right. So Anna goes to the law office, right? Some time later to see her parents. This is where we have to introduce that the secretary is a terrible fuck up and idiot that shouldn't be working in a job as high stakes as legal secretary. This didn't need to be in the movie.

There's no point in it. No, I thought that they were trying to set up that Anna was good with computers, but no. And so she's like, hey, Anna, I'm so glad you're here. I thought that they were trying to set up that Anna was good with computers, but no. And so she's like, Hey, Anna, I'm so glad you're here. I've made a terrible mistake that'll ruin our case against whatever and I need your help. And they can't even pretend that what Anna does is harder than, Oh, okay. So I will hold down control and press Z, right? Yeah.

This movie is written by old people who thinks there's an unsend email button. That is what she does, does it? Yes. Literally that. She thinks there's a plug-in. Yeah. I got this. You just, you downloaded the magical erasure of the internet plug-in and then you click

on the part of the internet you want to erase and oh, there it is, the email you just sent, done. That's what they think happens. This movie is about how atheists don't have the ability to love and possibly it's most vile and dangerous message is that your niece can unsend your email. Of course, the moment she downloads the destroy the internet plug in, the secretary goes, thank you, Lord. And we just see the teenager be like, really? Like I'm right here. I'm right here. It was the one that did that. And but because she was so busy helping the secretary, she gets caught wearing slutty shoulderless clothes by mom.

Classical. And against Jesus. All right. So now we have to go back to wacky bum, right? Being disappointed by how much how little change he's got. The families all walking together from the legal officer, whatever. And the the bum is like, man, I didn't get much money today. And Christian dad walks by and he goes, here homeless person, have $100.

Yep. Yeah, although I'd loved him because at the beginning of this scene, he's just ranting at pastures. If I wrote in my notes, yeah, you went to all the trouble of putting on a Santa suit. Why would they not refinance their houses to give you money? But damn it if Christian dad won't, right? Oh, and he rubs it in on Anna so hard here. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, got your can from earlier.

Fuck your can. Fuck your can. I saved this can for this bit. I assume that's you again. Crushed it. There it is. So a lot of my motivation is going to be revolved around assuming you see you again. So yeah, right.

Right. Right. Rubbing your dad's $100 bill. I'm a dick. How do you like it? How do you like it? There you go. Flossing with it.

Your dad's money. All right. So yes, we established that her and that homeless Santa sure do hate each other. And then they sit down to dinner to have the very best pizza that that strip mall had to offer. Oh, depressing. It's the, it's the 40 pizzas that Papa Johnny. Now we know what it was. Joey Lawrence made a scene at that like hunt brother's gas station combo about the Kupani adra fill up in a pizza. And that's what he got. God, it is. for a fill up in a pizza. And that's what he got. God, it is. And Anna has to say the pre-food prayer, right? She's like, by mom's like, Anna, why don't you pray? And she's like, yes, excellent. I can use this to move the plat along. Um, dear God, I sure hope my

parents won't force me to go to church at Christmas Eve because it conflicts with the winter ball and it really doesn't fucking matter because I go to church with them every fucking week and if it was true what they were telling me at church they wouldn't have to remind me every week. Amen. And her parents are like weird prayer but okay. Okay. But yeah, but mom and dad are like, oh no, the winter ball is on Christmas Eve. Well, and now we can't

go as a family. And the daughters like, can't we just go to the ball and still love Jesus any way? And no, by the way, no, no, not only no, but like it's like no is considered a priority by the writers, right? Like they're like, well, obviously you can't do that. That would be terrible. And sinful. Yeah. Couldn't we just like go to a Christmas Eve service in the fucking afternoon or something? No, Jesus Christ didn't die, uh, face down in the mud. So we got to service the afternoon on the day before not his birth that you wore. And I just have a tiny little note. As the seat is going on, the camera starts to pant. Now, what they're trying to do is they're trying to get a three shot, but someone explained

that to what they were and someone put a gun in their mouth. So instead, the camera just keeps backing away to try and catch all three of them in the fame. In the frame, never does. No, but it doesn't. And it just looks like the camera is getting bored by the movie. Like it's trying to, it's like when your friend got in trouble when you were spending the night with a missing kid kind of a thing. Yeah.

I mean, just so Anna storms off a quick note on this storming off. They gave this actress too far to stop and she gets tired, made shot and asked to start again. And it's, it's my screen saver. She's a lot of stairs, a lot of stairs. I'm still dejected. You can't tell from my stepping, but I am. And I will start looking like it. Sure at least I. All right. So she goes off to a room, throws herself down on the bed and she wishes, she wishes, she wishes her parents didn't believe in God. That's a strong power move, praying for atheists. Like that's a good reverse.

Yeah, right? Yeah, exactly. It's the wishing for more wishes of Christianity. And this Christian movie had to admit that that would work. They had to be like, that's prayer. Technically, God would work it. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

If it had cut to me, Heath and you dancing around the house sprinkling atheism powder, I would have forgiven this whole movie. There were so many ways that I could have forgiven this movie that they didn't manage. And then okay, she'll like, then they have to do something to show the prayer going up to heaven. So the camera pans over to their nativity scene and the Christmas star starts blinking as though it's communicating with heaven in Morse code. I think anyway, but yes, that's what everybody put a big pin in that because this star object will not come back.

They will bring it. They'll try to bring it back, but it will have nothing to do with anything. Yeah. It's amazing. Honestly, like, could have been my best worst and probably should have been. Yeah. All right. It's like check off's gun, but they just like put it on a different wall and a later scene

and then they put it on. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that's it. Oh, a gun. Yep. I'll put this back.

All right. What are you going to do with that? Nothing. And okay. So then she wakes up the next morning with atheist parents. Oh, how bad did you want her to come downstairs to like an orgy? Her parents are raw dogging on the kitchen table. They got of my own. He's on in the background. This might be Alec. And but okay, but in this alternate universe where they're atheists, he is the bank's lawyer, not the poor people that they're foreclosing on anymore.

Also, they've replaced their nativity scene with Santa decorations. And I only point that out because through Purflex's eyes, atheists have Santa decorations, not non-denominational decorations. Yeah, just Santa Christmas decoration. Santa is the evil progressive Christianity bad guy of this movie. Right, like this is literally a Christmas movie

where someone looks down sees Santa decorations goes, and is the good guy. That's usually Ebenezer. Yeah. And this whole movie, I mean, this whole scene, but really the whole movie is going to be more examples of like, oh, what's evil atheism? What would that be like? But this scene in particular, this is their first shot at it. So we get, we get Santa stuff. That's one big example of people atheism. We get Joey Lawrence. He's an atheist now. He's an atheist lawyer, which means he's aware that mortgages are real. And you have to pay them. That's awareness of no mortgage works.

Yes, that's the idea. Yeah. Yeah. He's wearing a black shirt. So his mom, black shirts are atheist. And they've replaced their quotes. This is my favorite part. Yeah, they've replaced their quotes.

So instead of the, what was it? The L.U.K.E. project. Yeah. Mom has an evil atheist quote of the day from James Russell Lowell, the evil atheist abolitionist poet. Yeah. I had never heard of this guy, but I'm willing to bet he would whip the Bible in a random quote content. Yes. He's an abolitionist. They were sitting around and they were like,

we need an atheist quote, and they couldn't find a single shitty atheist. Right. I mean, they could have asked. I mean, Jesus Christ, I could have given them some ideas. Literally landed on an abolitionist who was like at the time fighting against Christians using the Bible to justify slavery. This person was like, no, opposite.

That's a bad guy, they came up with. And also, okay, also, no know atheists just eat breakfast. We don't say atheists grace before we fucking do it. We just eat food. Uh, everybody. Sorry. Nothing. Okay.

Okay. Now you're going to be. Perron would please turn to me and thank me for preparing this meal. Yes. All right. Now you can eat. All right. So, but now mom tells her she can go to the winner book as fuck Jesus and dad gives her

Starbucks money because of the atheism. I never understood this. Why is it that atheism made them be more generous to her? Nope, at no point does this movie explain why the generosity is a bad thing, right? Right. It's supposed to be like buying their affection, and I would get that if they were absentee parents, except there will be several moments where they're just like, hey, I'm just spending time with you and saying nice stuff to you.

Yes, yes, exactly. No, I feel like this was just like here. Have some of that ju-coffee from Howard Cups. There you go. We're atheists. Sure hope they win the war on Christmas this year. Go drink out of a cup that says nothing. There you go. So yeah, in their faces. of a cup that says nothing. There you go. So yeah, in their faces. So now, okay, so we have to get atheist mom and dad showing up at their Jesus law office and un-Jesusing it, right? Oh, this is times the new office rules, yeah? Yeah. Jesus got fuck, baby. Jesus, I got mind-listed 10 times, slaps it up over the 10 commandments. Almost And almost not not that big of an exaggeration.

No, I have written down these rules and I'd like to go through them. Oh, good. Great. When I paused it, it would put a bunch of information over the fucking top of it and I couldn't actually see them. So please. Uh, yeah. And when I paused it, it was like, there you go.

Watch David and I wait fucking out again. And I was like, no, never. Okay, here we go. Rule number one, keep God and work separate. Weird choice. We're good rule. Good rule, but not one that we have, for instance, in all of our hopes. Exactly.

Rule number one, this is a real law office without magic. We're evil too. And they do not understand the, I promise you, they don't get the irony of this. The client comes first. They said second. Yes. Yes. Rule number two.

Rule number three, watch your language because you know how much atheist say it's swearing. Yeah. Was that just to like tone it down? Because it was like two racists that were like, no, no, no, no, no, well, we, yeah, even as atheists, I feel like we were close. We'll watch our language. At four, the bottom line matters. Time.

Monthly counts. Here at this atheist business, mortgages are real. We're exactly five. Answer the phone on the second ring. What? Like, don't answer on the second ring. What? Like don't answer on the first ring, like a Christian cock. Like what? Yeah, I understand what that meant. Okay, so they they they they revisit that later, right?

Like answer on the second ring. So people will think we're super busy and you can't get to us on the first. Yep. Oh, what? Keith, are you just trying to make me think you're super busy? So it's going on answer on any rings. Let's talk about that. Number six, always have an answer. Wats. Yeah. Number seven, desk, D1, none of the above. Yeah, what? Number seven, no snacking at your desk. And I just want to say, deal breaker.

Deal breaker. Thank you. I can't even get it, Eli did not snack during the record. It's true. What do you got right now? Oh, let's see, I got mango nectar, pretzel sticks, and rubber bands. Okay. Sometimes you want to chew a rubber band. Okay. Rule number eight, respect

company property. I love these are the evil rules and whatever. There's respect. Stop stealing our paper towels, bitch. Rule number nine, always dressed to impress. And rule number 10, smile like you mean it. He's love, they like by rule number 10 smile like you mean it. You love, they like by rule number seven, they couldn't even think of anything bad that atheists might have. Always fuck kids. So Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. All right, so now, okay,

Anna's at school and her friends just can't believe our parents agreed to let her go to the ball. And this is the hashtag conversation, right? Yes. Oh, God. So again, in an attempt to re-bring about the Mean Girl Pocalypse, they just randomly speak in hashtags, the first of which is hashtag, I always get my way. And fun fact, if you search for that,

it just takes you to Harvey Weinstein's Twitter. Per if you know that. Oh, fuck. Yeah, and we really dig into the, how much these friends all loathed one another. Oh my God, the fucking, the coffee moment. Yeah. Yeah, where she's just like, the one girl's like, well, I disagree.

She's like, why don't you go get coffee? My parents give me money for Jew coffee today. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, way. And then she orders a nonfat latte with one pump of caramel. And my immediate reaction was like, oh my God, that is like 8,000 times less obnoxious than Eli's order. Like it was so much faster.

And they were looking, they were trying to make the douchey order, right? The douchey Starbucks order and they just actually just like, fairly conservative. I make them change. Okay, no exaggeration Eli, welcome to Starbucks, what could I get for you? I would like a tall soy peppermint mocha at 110 degrees, not warm, please. And I need them to change the milk container because now they use the same milk container. They don't have the separate ones anymore.

So I need to change the milk container. I would actually don't you. We do you have separate ones. You sure that all of us have changed that policy? They've all changed that policy. So you want me to go into the back and sanitize this thing and bring it back and then make the thing you said that took you five minutes. Yes, please, but you interrupted because I also want to make extra pump of, please finish. What?

Extra pump of peppermint. No, I'm not doing that. That's my, that's my, that's my, I swear to God, that's not an exaggeration. I've been there many times for that exact exchange. And also I love this moment at the end where the like the rival, one friend tells her that you're she's like, Hey, I got us all invited to a college party.

It's shame you won't be able to go because your parents are so Christian. But then the other girl, a Meredith, who's just a yes man of the group. She says, wow, how did you convince college boys to let three attractive 17 year old girls go to their party? Oh, I'm 45. My child is in college. I'm about it. All right. So now it's Sunday morning and damn it, she doesn't want to go to church, but that's okay because mom and dad aren't going either. No, and again, look, the point

is that her parents are evil right now. So one activity not to have the mom do would be to take her shopping. Yeah, right, the mom's like, you know, what we could do with that time that we normally spend in church being lectured about, you know, Bronze Age superstition, we could spend quality time together. And I mean, look, I, I, this would be so, I like, I know it isn't, but at this moment, I have this fantasy where they just snuck this one by Davey and the parents were just going to be demonstrably better throughout. No, let's just like actually bond David doesn't realize because he doesn't know any it's he's like they do they do go shopping on Sundays.

But yeah, approved. Are you interested in the life? No, I'm okay. Sorry. You're selling me the movie. David, I'm your wife. Oh, leave me promised me that. That's what I take. We're a charity. Do you take it? I'm your wife. I promise to be that. That's what I take.

We're a charity. Do you want to give your money, movie to charity? Oh, so they get that we get the mom and the daughter out shopping. And of course, the reason that we have to have this scene is so that the daughter can pick out a very conservative dress and mom can say, well, what about this crotchless teddy? Yeah, it's right. How about this dress? It's red like like Satan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and hold on. Look at this zip zip. It's got a hole for a dick right there. Go red. And look at this zip zip. The abortion

goes right out the flap right there. You're all set. Ooh, abortion flaps. Atheist dress. Got it. So then they're walking around and they passed this CD tattoo parlor. And basically I, I wrote in my notes as a joke, hey, mom, we should get buddy tattoos. But basically that's what happens. Yep. Well, mom jumps in before that even before the daughter can even be like, oh, maybe I want that mom's like, well,

there's no God. So let's get you a piercing inside this rural Massachusetts math house that we're walking past right now. Oh, they walk in and the guys like you hear for crack or do you think this is a real tattoo parlor? Both. It is both. Nothing makes the tattoo go down smooth like crack. Yes. So, yeah, they're there for a belly button piercing, right? But Anna's having second thoughts because she's like, you know, I went up piercing and mom's like, yeah, sure, we happen to be right next to a place that does that that looks sanitary.

Let's, let's try. And so she goes in there and then Anastas having second thoughts. And mom's like, no, no, there is no Jesus. We all just turned to dust when we die. Might as well have some holes in us, right? And she says, you used to tell me if God wanted me to have a piercing, I'd have been born with it. And I wrote in my notes circumcision much. Yeah.

All right. So now they show up at the church to see Uncle Paul, right? She has to go talk to Uncle Paul to figure out what the fuck happened. But they start off with Christianity small talk. Where she walks. She goes like, you know, my favorite character in the nativity was though is the sheep. How about you? And he's like, fucking Jesus. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I I talk to you and he's like I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Except he will do it every single time a character comes up to him throughout the entire movie. No matter the level of emergency when they speak.

So just be prepared that that's going to be his intro to every scene moving forward. Yeah. And okay. So like to have this conversation where basically she's trying to ask, hey, did God do a magic spell to make my parents atheists and his lights are fucking insane, because he has to answer her ridiculous questions with Bible verses and it's like, it's, it makes sense in terms of like moving the movie along, but it doesn't make sense in terms of what she just asked him or a conversation in English. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, exactly.

Oh, yeah, it's crazy. So there, it starts out with that stupid sheep and Jesus thing in the manjercy and he's like, oh, well, let me explain this to you. So the sheep and the baby Jesus are actually related. Yes, that's what he said. And I was like, ask him what the fuck are you going, man? Yeah. But then he keeps explaining and he's like, oh, well, no, God always answers prayers. But here's the thing. It's kind of like, you know, the monkey's

paw. It's the king. Like I'm saying, monkey's paw. Yeah, God, am I getting trouble big old monkey's paw. Yeah, God's my getting trouble big old monkey's ball. And then my favorite example of his is he goes, you know, Mary didn't want to get raped by God because she was 13. Pause and the main character Anna is like, oh shit, that was your helpful story. I thought you were going, no, that's it. Just got raped in eighth grader. Okay. Oh, my God. fucking, fucking line to come back as she goes, well, why didn't Mary want to be pregnant with the savior at 13? And he asked to further explain that he's like, okay, Jesus Christ.

Look over at your 13 year old cousin. She's right there. Imagine she got raped by a ghost and got pregnant. Does God is good. Anyway, atheism is bad. I don't know what I got confused myself. What? Ask me about my softball team. Pro tip, you do not want to show a 13 year old when you're trying to do a apologetics for Mary for Christ.

Cause the air around watching that movie goes, oh, right. Oh, she didn't even know math. But eventually he settles on, he says, well, you know what, maybe God is using you like a character in a poorly thought out story like the one that our religion is based on. And then she runs out of the church

and she's like, atheist parents, yeah! Yeah, I think I'll go for a walk, I've said. Yeah, but like, she has what would then be confirmation of the existence of God and then uses it to thwart the will of that God? It's good for her. What? It's good for her. What?

It's great. Ha ha ha. She just ends up in a lake of fire and credits. Like that's what I live in. Right, yeah, exactly. All right, well, while Anna finds some ecstasy fordused a fucking aside of fried baby, we're gonna pause for a quick break,

but then we'll come back and talk about this movie some more. I wish my parents didn't believe in God. Ah, good morning, Mom. Good morning, Dad. Hey, hey, what's up? What happened to our nativity scene? Oh, yeah, we inserted it into Yacobim. Yeah, Yacobim. Yacobim? Yeah.

We were having a double-three some last night. Yeah. Happy Thursday, right? Exactly. And your father is just giving it to Yacobim and it's not making a peep. It was like he was born. So, yeah. So your father, he grabs the crush and then he you know what? I'm mom.

I'm good. Uh, can I have money for Starbucks? Um, maybe you're going to order extra semen in your latte. Yes. Then yes. And we're back and we're going to rejoin the story by escalating that anniversary. The homeless Santa rivalry. They had no one.

And they really have nothing to do here. It's just like they're like a remember building bowl is in this movie. It was. We ran into him when we were filming it. We took that DVD. We're getting our goddamn weeks. And he's just visibly stealing cash out of the bucket at this point, right? Yeah, I mean, I thought it was sort of assumed that when you see a homeless guy standing

next to a gift money bucket, that that's his money. But apparently in this movie universe, they're supposed to think that that's just a charity that collects money by asking homeless people to stand next to plain tin payels, right? Right. And Anna's the bad guy here because she's atheistically questioning a scam charity. Like the movie's really bad at this. Well, no, I believe me Christians are all pretty sure that that's a bad thing You shouldn't do that

Okay, go check out the comment section on the Washington Post he there When you call out their scam charities, let me tell you Also, okay, so she goes home and and instead of being home there to greet her mom and dad have just left her money because they're atheists and those people don't like to have paper with references to God on it. And they're wallet, I guess. Here's an implantable biometric chip with money for monster energy drinks. You can go back to that tattoo,

parlor, and get it installed and you're four head or the back of your hand. We got you the 666. One. Yeah. So. All right. And then back at the law, office mom and dad are loyering rudely. Yes. The things that this movie tries to play off as evil are such a delight. So the lady comes in who's not a paralegal. And she's Yes, the things that this movie tries to play off as evil are such a delight So the lady comes in who's not a paralegal and she's like do you guys need any help with the lawyer stuff? And they're like no you're not a lawyer so you can't help and the movie's like see

Bitches. Yes Also Can we have the car back that we loaned you for free? Bitches bitch. Yeah Right I was thinking you know God's dead so you can't just have our car That's what's happening here also a little detail. This is mom and dad Joey Lawrence and whoever the fuck they're Both lawyers and they're both loyering hard now because right, atheist lawyers who want to have gain full employment. And there's like

supposed to be important law books strewn about on their yes, yes. This is the best. One of them, one of them is open. It's the one in front of Joey Lawrence is open and it's very clearly a goddamn picture book. There's an old page picture He's on their legal book. He's not even he wouldn't even look at words on a page unless they promise to put pictures on It's a pop-up book a little devil coming up the devil coming out. Goof is on one side, go on down the other. Yeah, exactly, exactly. How all law books are constructed looks like Donald Trump's briefing. I'll be with you in a second. I need to find out what the cow goes. Yeah. So, okay. So, and then they're

trying to establish because they keep having her come home and there's just money waiting for and not her parents love, you know, so they're trying to go for that, but they keep fucking it up like they do in this next scene where Colton stops by to see Anna and like dad is there. Right, you know, he's there at the house. What her date shows up to talk to the date and say, Hey, by the way, like, if you need somebody put in a good word for you at college, this is my alma mater, like a dick. I do love this college brochure, though. Yeah. He says, he says, well, son, you know, if

you've been thinking about your future, like I have, I've been thinking about your future. Um, well, I mean, it's because right on the front of this pamphlet, it says your life, your education, your future. And I just, I, I mean, it's because right on the front of this pamphlet, it says, your life, your education, your future, and I just, my face and dad. I needed it to remember by line in this life. And he asks what time he needs to have her home. And because they're evil atheists, he's like, I don't know. If you kill her, make sure you eat her. I don't know.

He's like, when you're done with her, I guess. Yeah. When would God want her back? Oh, right. God's dead. No curfew. When I was a fuck, I don't know. He's a great late night gang bang. It's actually in the pamphlet. Check it out. I went to a really fun college. Doesn't matter. We're gonna border. We're gonna, we're gonna border as many as she can. Gary. Yeah. So then, so they go on and date to an orchard. And he warns her. He's like, Hey, she's want to be clear before we walk through this apple orchard. I'm poor. And then you need to know that about me. And she's like, Okay. She's like, yeah, I mean,

you took me out on a date to an orchard. So yeah, I got it. You didn't have to. Oh, there are four clothes in on your house. Well, yeah, no, okay, that, yeah. Did you not fill out the anti-homeless form? And of course, he says, don't worry, my parents will help you. their lawyers and they can undo mortgages with law. Oh, but hold on shit. They are pro homelessness now. I think. All right. So now, why is this always a trope? I have no fucking idea. Why do they hate candlelit dinners? And what is this? And who to fight?

Like my wife and I have a relatively large dining room table, but we sit next to each other on it. We eat. It's just that. You guys don't do the bug's money thing? No, actually, we don't. Giant, we are far away from each other now. What?

We just come over. God, come over to the side. All right, and so this is the setup for the oh shit, it's Bible study day, right? And they've forgotten all about it because they're atheists now. Okay, and we're talking about this is where Heath enters the movie and then exits it. What? Okay, so one of the characters. I know you're talking about. I know. Yep, yep, yep, no wait. I get it. No, that guy's the fucking best. You're obviously talking about the recently homeless guy who

just walks in and starts eating off one of the two plates of food that are clearly sitting there for those two people. And he's like, oh, pork loin. I'm going to have one of these plates. There's eight of us. You guys figured out. Joey Lawrence literally turns to him and he's like, hey, are you eating what could not possibly be construed as anything but might dinner? And homeless guys like, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Is there more? Good. Can I have seconds? And then as he's doing that, the secretary's shitty kid breaks a face.

The mom is in, hey, be careful with your kid around. That's a super expensive fuck, right? And the secretary picks the daughter up and says, it's okay, honey. We don't care about that. Vase, you broke. Yeah. She's she instantly tells the daughter that it does not matter. She broke something in a stranger's house. Instantly. Yes. Yes. The the fucking secretary goes, we can always does not matter she broke something in a stranger's house instantly yes yes the dot the the fucking secretary goes we can always replace that face but we can't replace you as doda kid was in a life or death struggle where one of them had to die

right i wrote my notes look people are more important than things but that doesn't mean things don't matter. And hate. Yeah. Right. And so the mom's stand there going like, are you fucking kidding me? And finally she gets around to apologizing on behalf of her daughter. And the mom says, it's all right. I'll send you a bill, which is supposed to be a bad guy thing. But it's like, no, your kid just broken expensive thing in her home you should she shouldn't have to you should be the one saying

just send me a bill. The just to be clear the villain in this movie is it's okay your child I worn destroyed something for seconds into my house and the protagonist is the one who's immediate reaction to destroying her friend's personal belongings was all is dust and nothing set with fans. The role of the hammer, little Jenny. Don't worry. Maria condo says we should just get rid of all this. Anyway, and then I love this so fucking much. Ben the writers all sat there. They thought they

had this great comedy premise of the atheist receiving Bible study, but they didn't. The writers all just sat there for a long time going, yeah, that'd be so funny. They'd probably breaks. I don't. We need to write ourselves out of this premise that we wrote. Yeah. So they just shit all over their comedy premise entirely by having dad go, you know, I'm sorry guys, we should have canceled on you. We don't want to do Bible study and everybody's like, oh, okay, we'll go to like, you know, Denny's. Oh, okay.

And then as they're closing the door, they turn to each other and go, we need to add them to our prayer list. You get it? Because they didn't go into someone's house and instantly start eating their food and destroying their property. Yeah, bring us Christians anywhere. Anyway, so okay. So meanwhile, Anna and Colton are still urchering.

And then he waxes intellectual about Saturn's moons. It's the thing. Watching this 49 year old man try to like no big deal that he does. Yeah, I know about Saturn's moons. Don't worry about it. Pretty much an astrophysicist. Yeah. I love you guys.

He has one line there where she's like, wow, you know a lot about space and stuff. He goes, this makes no fucking sense. He goes, I like to see things that other people can't see. And I'm like, unless he's talking about your boobs, that line makes no fucking sense, right? Oh, and then meanwhile, at the law office, the secretary's not allowed to say mayor Christmas anymore.

She has to say happy holidays. God is great. Dead. holidays. God is great. Dead's wise. I forget what we are lawyers. The observable universe lawyer. Science law. Hello. Science today. Mortgage is a real we are lawyer. Let's go. All right, so and then we got to Anna and her friends being bitchy at each other some more. And again, I know we've already talked about this, but the hatred that drips from east of

these lines, right? It's supposed to be like, I am going to give the speech because I'm the queen. But instead, it's no. Listen to my speech. I am a queen, but instead it's no. Listen to my speech. I am a queen. Yeah, yeah, no, ever. Like again, there's just no humor in it, whatsoever, they have no ability to like, you know,

play any of this off. Everything is delivered like a death threat. So yeah, so then fucking Anna decides to practice her speech speech and she only has one line which is basically I'm better than you fucks Yeah, that's how she's gonna do her speech Yeah, and then we go back to mom and dad. We're at the law office and mom and dad have decided they've changed their mind now They'll be the lawyer for the bank because there is no God, right? Yeah. Yeah. Right. The guy that the guy was trying to get them to do this at the beginning. He's like, Oh, glad you're on board with our bank partnership legal thing that we're doing.

What changed your mind about, you know, making money? Like, oh, mostly Godless math, you know, Godless math, you know, you know, it's godless math. Yeah. Standard. All right, so now Anna and her friend of me are going to that college party, right? And oh my god, it's an accurate college party. It is, it is.

That's the first thing I wrote my notes is like, this is the most accurate depiction of a college party I've ever seen in any film, Christian or otherwise. Congratulations, Pierflex. You nailed this. You did it. No, nobody showed up. There's too much food and everyone just ends up playing Fuzball or Xbox. They nailed it. Yes, right. Yeah. There's like seven people like lingering around the large room. Most of them around a Fuzball table and there's, you know, not enough beer. That's it nailed it. But 18 bags of chips. Yeah.

I wanted these girls to walk in and start doing like choreographed group dancing like guys. Are we not what I thought that's parties? Don't we? All know the dance to we, uh, we step it up for no reason. Okay. you guys not seeing high school musical the musical the series but But no, it's time for the boyfriend to impress us with his science some more Oh, and this is so so sad so sad He's like you want to hear some deep science? stars are far oh God Jesus alright So first of all, this is our fucking

shit. You guys can't have the stars shit. It doesn't even work for us. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Exactly. But she's like, yeah, you know, my parents are so dumb. They believe that like the earth began when God said let there be light. And of course, Colton, the good Christian astronomer has to come back and go like, no, yeah, no astronomy totally lines up with that. The big bang, that's like just like that. As long as you don't read, you know, the 47th word of the Bible or anything after that, it's totally lines up with, well, you have to ignore the first 42. So if you go, where's 40 through 46? Do not directly conflict with provable facts. So like, you have to ignore the first 42. So if you go worse 40 through 46,

do not directly conflict with provable facts. So that's pretty much the science confirming the Bible. Pretty much. It's basically, I mean, it's a dome of firmament like the Truman show and astronomy shows us that that was like, if you read, this is a very good documentary on it. You should check it out.

It's in 15 parts on YouTube. And at one point, he's like, so you know why I love stars and astronomy. You know what, it's my favorite thing about stars. You have to measure the distance in light years. And you can measure it in that's Cox. You can measure the distance in literal. There's infinity numbers. You can set any unit with any number. And then he

steals though, we're made of stardust. That's art. It's an atheist thing. Stop it. Mother fucker. Stop it. Alright, I want you to want to tell you about the atheist teapot. So atheists keep demanding. But you know it's fucking there. Hear me out. All right. So now, yeah, if now they got Carl Sagan facing the direction and his coffin that they wanted, we hear a rape inside the house. Okay.

We hear her yelling, stop it, stop it, but they run inside and they forgot that they had originally set up the movie to be empty. So there's just one guy standing there not touching anyone. Yeah. Well, and that's exactly right because they they had an idea that there would be a guy trying to get a little too fresh with one of the friends, but they can't show that in a pureflix movie. So it's just a guy standing near a girl

yelling stop it. Good chance. He was doing something that he shouldn't. I mean, just like statistics. Oh, yeah. No, I'm sure I believe me. I believe in the victim. I know, I know that like as this happened, there were probably a bunch of in cells that watched this movie going. It's exactly like it. It's exactly like that every time. But Anna stops the rape by pushing over the popcorn and they all run away. I'm just saying it would have worked on Heath. Oh, no, the popcorn. I don't even feel like it. It's whatever. So we cut to the next day where she discovers

that she goes to the table and I think it's gonna be another oh or parents have just left money for her and not their love. But no, no, they've left it no, come by the law office after school and we will buy you a convertible for Christmas. Evil. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, oh, oh, secular motor vehicle. So, all right. Now we have to have the scene where the secretary is having a really rough go of it and those atheists are just being really mean to her.

Oh, I will never in a million years describe the genuine agony of watching this 240 minute 19 examples comedy take of they keep asking her for things. Man, they thought that us watching that woman walk back and forth across this fucking room was going to stay funny for hours. Okay, okay, we're going to have to pause the movie at this point, maybe show the pureflix commercial again because people they're gonna be falling out of their chairs We got a time right some of that bad hips, but eventually she tells them what's what? Yeah, right and then they Fire her

You know atheists always firing people for arbitrary reasons like their gay the trend unmarried and pregnant well and and let's let's also point out that like everything we've seen of the secretary suggests that she is in the wrong line of work and massively incompetent yeah right like this is

like the wrong way to fire her but is the right decision to make even in the comedy take where she's supposed to be like oh my goodness a phone call and an intercom at the same time that's not hard no like she she fails at it but the test that is that she's supposed to be stuffing into her mouth as it travels down the god damn but if i can mercury foam conveyor belt towards her is just answering

the phone while someone else is in the room. Yes. Yeah, and of course the whole time this is going on. Colton's dad who's about to lose his house is, is there waiting for them to see him about possibly representing him in this, this mortgage dispute with the bank? Mm-hmm. possibly representing him in this, this mortgage dispute with the bank. Mm hmm. The dispute being pay us no, yes. Right. So yeah, but he's, they're not going to fire their secretary.

They tell him they're not going to help him out at all. And Anna witnesses all of that and sees how evil they really are. And this guy is insane. He's like, uh, sorry. Can't you just use your lawyer magic to make it so I don't have to pay my mortgage? I waited in your lobby for 20 minutes. No, uh, you need to pay mortgages. It turns out and he's like, I don't understand what you're saying. No idea what you're talking about. You know, it's a really good idea for

this person, not to own a house. Yeah, yes. All right, but yeah, but he's like, why won't you help? And they're like, well, because there is no God. And we all return to dust upon death. And he's like, oh, me and so then he leaves and they're like, they turn to the daughter and they're like, hey, let's, you know, go buy you a car. And she's going to want a car now because you guys are mean.

Because you mean, I told my boyfriend, you used their lawyer magic to save them. Yeah. Right and like again, they're trying to make mom and dad seem evil here, but they're trying to buy her a car. And by the way, they seem chiefly concerned about safety. They literally both mom and dad do an evil finger steeple when they say, all right, let's go car shopping, steeple, steeple, steeple. Yes.

What? And again, when she finally confronts them about this, they say real quote, if Mr. Smith had paid his mortgage on time, this wouldn't be a problem. And the movie might as well be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom punking me. Like a fun, atheism, prank.

And look, the, like here's a perfect example of them fucking up their thing because like mom and dad and her are just having a good conversation, you know, like it's boring to look at, but it's good parenting, right? You know, they're treating her the way you should treat a 17 year old that is your child. And then of course, eventually they're like, like fuck we gotta get back to the plot has your boyfriend gotten that of his house yet? Let me just ask you about that. Should have led with this. It did.

Yeah, she asked him, she's like, so are you homeless now? Cause you don't understand how that works. And he's like, well, yeah, we prayed for a mortgage payment. So. Yeah, no, that should be pretty much. Homeless, pretty much should know. Homeless now.

Yeah, which is interesting, cause that means that God was listening to her pray that her parents would be atheist and him pray that his dad would get a job at the same time. And he's like, you know, it'd be funny. It's really, nobody ever expects me to answer any of his prayers. Same time prayer.

I'm gonna have to flip a coin on this one. Hold him. God's just trying to get in touch with the bank. Oh, you're not open right now. Okay, when is it? It's Wednesday from 12 to two. When would I have stuff? That's crazy.

That's it. It's to two hour window. I need to fax you before. I invented Wednesday. Fuck you guys. God, I do not have a fax machine. P you guys. So I'm God, I do not have a facts machine. So yeah. And then because they know that in the movie, her and Colston have to break up at some point, right, to follow the formula. So now she comes over and she's got to be mad at him for some. So she has the how dare you not tell me the day you were being you told me you were being a victim, but you weren't specific about the day, how dare you not tell me the day you were being, you told me you were being

a victim, but you weren't specific about the day, how dare you? How dare you not tell me you were homeless? I almost poned you. I could have caught homelessness. How dare you not give me something more sensible to be mad at as we move out of act two. And Colton's the fucking best in this scene because he's like, because she eventually gets around to being like, it's because I wish my parents were apiast and he's like, seriously, are you talking about yourself right now?

I am actively moving out of my home and you're telling me that you're sorry because you have magic power. Is that what you can't hear? That isn't I'm saying. Yep. Okay, but apparently it works so I could pray for like, you to have money, but no, I'm going to pray to cancel the AC, the AC is something and see how that goes. We'll see.

Yeah, right. Just as soon as I find a fucking Zoltar machine, so she wanders off to like, yeah, I walk sadly by out of focus Christmas lights for a while and watch other happy families rejoicing in their togetherness. Oh, what a repassed by a Jewish house. Fuck never mind. They hate each other. No, but it's just like families everywhere on every front lawn at the same time that she

passes being like, we all love God as a family. No amount of money can make us happier. This is the best way. Yeah. Right. They're all going gee, grandma and grandpa is sure great that we have such a house that you can come to visit. She also has this moment during this montage where she looks over this bridge.

It's one of those shitty walking bridges. I thought she was going gonna throw herself off it like jump air of the tiny little bridge. Land in Agil Deep Water. Oh no, I'm wet. High enough, I feet hurt. Is that Dawson? Dawson Leary?

So mean when he just back with we cross over into the creek. Okay, and then of course now she has to make friends with bum Santa, right? So she she's sitting on this bench and bum Santa comes up and he says, Hey, you know, it's kind of awkward because we're enemies or whatever in this movie. But like, that's the bench I sleep on. So could you move and she just keeps like scooting over a little bit. And he's like, no, no, I need the whole the whole bench all full bench me and then she just slides a little further seriously you gotta get off my sleeping bench I have a podcast can you

and then she goes she goes wait you sleep on a bench. He's like, yeah, I'm fucking homeless. Like, I'm obviously the homeless guy. She's like, oh, well then, yell it at you. It was pretty cold blooded, huh? Fuck. Uh, mix our rivalry, seem less. Yeah, Juviel.

And then he's like, oh my god, I'm homeless, but here is a candy cane. Please leave. And she's like, oh, candy. Let's eat candy together. He's like, oh, candy, let's eat candy together. He's like, no, no, no, no. I'm bribing you to leave with this candy cane, even though I'm homeless and it's my entire store of food,

you need to leave. Go get it. She scoots over a little bit further. Yeah. And then she goes, she turns it, and she's like, you know, I think I've learned something here today. And I'm like, no, you can't have because there's still half an hour left of this fun thing.

Oh, yeah, there is. All right. Well, this movie is going to need a minute to figure out what they held to do with the last third of itself. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give back to you the hard sell. Can Anna evangelize? I'm going to say hard enough. How the fuck did they think having a good lawyer

was gonna help Colton's dad? If your heart stays hardened for more than four hours, who should you call? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the holy shit they need to script by five conclusion of wish for Christmas. Uncle Paul, I think I might have done something that... I'm fine! Thanks for asking. I'm fine.

Oh, um, good. Okay, so last night when- Oh, what's going on with me? You might ask how thoughtful, thanks for asking. Well, I'm at my softball league and it's going pretty good. I enjoy my softball league. Uncle Paul, I actually really need your help. Oh, what's that? You want to know how my softball league is going? Is that what you said? Well, thank you for asking. Well, I'm batting third right now. I'm doing great.

I have a pretty good batting average. I do get it. But excuse me, Pastor, the family is here for the viewing of their daughter. I'm great, Nick. Thanks for asking. I'm Nick. How are you, Pastor? Fuck you.

I'm great. Can we go see the body now? Yeah, we can see the body now. And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're gonna open up with Anna and her friends out shopping for the winner of ball. And she sees the ex secretary, the fired secretary, and runs over to check on her.

And I gotta say okay. This woman is such a god awful actor that at first I was wondering if her character was supposed to have to pee in this moment. Okay, in her defense, the child actor that she is holding is trying as hard as she can to run into traffic. Well, and what's so amazing is that they're so fucking stupid that they didn't have like as hard as she can to run into traffic. I can't really turn. Well, and what's so amazing is that they're so fucking stupid that they didn't have like, most of this scene is shot

like higher than the height of the child, but they still have this poor woman trying to keep track of this two-year-old dog on time. Sorry, Hazel keeps saying, I'm in hell, release me from this prison. I gotta it. Well, the kids making great points, because the mom is like, yeah, you guys fired me,

your parents fired me. And so now I'm a single mom without a job, but I'm praying. So it's cool. And the two year old is just like, what the fuck are you talking about? Get a new job. We're not fine. Nothing's working.

And then, okay. So yeah, so she sees, then she sees her past her uncle. And she's like, yeah, this scene wasn't going anywhere anyway. So she walks in and she's like, Hey, dude, can you move this plot to fuck along? Noah already did the act three. Break out a sheer fucking boredom. We've got nothing going on here. One of the so badly to run into Uncle Paul meeting his lover just like, Oh, Anna, hello, I'm meeting a young man for not blow job.

Why haven't you have a car? No, but actually he's doing something weirder. He's playing chess with guys because he's by himself. I mean, like you can play chess against yourself, but that's not what he's doing. He seems to be communing with God and playing chess slightly better. And the board layout is physically possible. This is actually impressive. I think this is the first time we've ever had a chess board in one of these movies that was like, oh, yeah, there could be ponds there. Yep. That's where they might be. It's not even a checker on there. Good job, guys. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. She's asking like, all right. So what, like, how do I figure this stuff

out with God and stuff? I don't know. And he's like, you got to be what, like, how do I figure this stuff out with God and stuff? I don't know. And he's like, you got to be your true self. You know, and God will provide for you at that point. She goes, how do we know our true selves? And he says, well, you got to ask God. And I hear it now. No, I don't. I don't hear it. No. Okay. All right. I don't hear it. Just 30 minutes of awkward silence and grates. God, how are we true selves? One of his lines is the light shines in the darkness and the darkness is not overcommit. But he's been speaking English and not by Belize up until that point. So I expected one side of his smile to droop and for him to be like Errrr, man! I smell toast!

Bell's pausing! Alright, but now she actually reads the Bible and we watched that happen again. Remember that like in in Seinfeld when they needed a great example of something no one would ever want to watch someone else do it was read Just throwing it. I just want to underline that one time We've seen so much reading also she's bad at acting This actress has to choose like read read read read don't say like read, read, read, don't say.

Don't say, which ways to the eyes go? Your mouthing words, what stop it? Stop it. Oh, now I see I was supposed to spare the cows in the city of A. Okay, this is making a lot. Yeah, what the fuck is she got to learn from we need to put the Christ back in winter ball. I don't know. Okay. Movie makes no sense.

Yes. All right. So yeah. That's that she reads the Bible for a while. And now it's time for her. So they've been doing this planning the winter ball shit the whole time. The idea I guess is that in this town, the way they plan their winter ball is that they have a bunch of different groups come in and say we'd like to do the ball like this and then they pick the best

group and they do this like four days before the goddamn thing happens apparently so that it fits into this dumbass plot. So her and her friends have been working on this presentation through the entire fucking movie. There are about to walk in and do it and she stops. Amanda stops and says, no, our theme should be about Jesus and they're like, we have three minutes that's not you can't possibly change it. It's in three minutes. We do the thing. And the answer is no. And in a Christian movie first, she's like, oh, okay.

Like we cause every other Christian movie we've watched, she would have been like, no. And then they like cut the head off the queen and wrap it in a blanket and suddenly it's Christ in the manger. But they're just like, no, you're not allowed to change this last minute. And she's like, but I love Jesus. And you're allowed to be an asshole about Jesus. It's a pureflix movie.

Where are you going? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Also just really quick, can we talk about that? Fucking scarf? She's wearing it. The size of the scarf is a joke, right? It's taking up the entire frame. I can't even see the rest of the movie.

It's an Elizabethan rough. She's wearing an Elizabethan rough. Nuts. Do people really have scarves like that? I wanted her to look down the bar and see one of those rappers that killed Wayne Knight and just hit nods that are like, hey, the bio drink. Oh, shit. The scar is every time I wear this damn thing. Yeah, and I also love it. So like no footing. She's supposed to have her traumatic breakup with her friends here.

So they have to have that like storming offline, which as this movie presents, it is. And I quote, you're not the queen and a not anymore. And then there's a giant pause. And everybody's like, oh, you're done. Okay. Oh, you were going to storm up. You know what? Let's also we can all storm off on three. Everyone's storm off on three to no, I we stormed and you storm it is doesn't make sense she might as well have yelled you're not the queen Anna not Neymor exit stage left exactly so okay so now Anna goes to the ex-secretary's house to babysit I guess and The secretary paints good cows She was talented the whole time Terry Page, good cows. She was talented the whole time.

They're so bad. I love it. Oh, God, I love what non artists think is art. There's, I live another 10 years every time I see a Thomas Kincaid painting hanging up in someone's heart. And this movie has given me so much life, these terrible shitty oil paintings of cows.

I thought they were pretty good. Oh, this is like Thomas Kincaid's like half blind nephew who sucks and can't get on the fridge. It's so bad. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, then you guys just when you do get your fucking Christmas presents, you can just hang them in the bathroom. I thought they were good. No, I found the original artworks from this film. Also, Rebecca, this Rebecca's the fired paralegal, not paralegal, terrible painter. Her scarf is even bigger than the

last scarf. It's bigger than her butt. It's insane. This movie would have been amazing if just for each scene moving forward, there had been a comically larger scarf on a character. But no one's in. What's happening? You're not exaggerating what that's the there has to be a bet with like the crew here that that that they put this together. It was her entire body is wrapped in a room size scarf with like punch cards. There's also this great moment where she sees the sketch of the Virgin Mary painting that Rebecca was making for her parents and she goes, and if I realize they were drawing

something underneath the paintings. And I wanted Rebecca so badly to be like, well, that's because that's not always the case. They don't always draw. Sometimes, now I really want to know what you think drawing and painting. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I didn't know what a light year was earlier. Y'all they, you know, all right. So now, um, Anna is, we get Anna at church, but now she ignores her phone and doesn't text anymore while she's at church. Mm-hmm. And then she goes home and mom has got a bunch of her old clothes

and she's putting them in bags and stuff. And Anna goes, oh, I'm sure the homeless people who get those clothes will really like them and she's like, fuck you, I'm not donating these, I'm gonna sell them because I'm an atheist now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, gonna sell these and buy some stem cells for that. Christian, yeah.

Excuse me, I'll be at Plato's closet getting dozens of cents on the dollar. Yeah, right. Yeah. No, but what she's actually saying is like, I'm gonna sell these clothes and like, give money to modest needs. I'm evil. Fuck yeah. Right.

Right. Yeah, exactly. So mom wanders off and Anna, this, oh, I'm sorry, mom wanders off and Anna this I'm sorry mom wanders off to work on a Sunday y'all and then Anna decides to steal a suit from her dad Robin Hood style to give to Bill Engvall. Yep by the way that will never off. Like we'll see him wear this suit jacket later in the movie, but it's not like he's like, oh, this is the suit jacket that gives me my house back. She's just like, and stealing from my parents, I'm the protagonist. Yep.

Yeah. I'm a nice looking formal homeless person now. Is it a solution? Yeah. Given by that jacket, yep. So yeah, so she brings the suit and dinner. She brings an even worse looking pizza somehow to the homeless Santa. All right. This is the one that even Papa John's turned down.

So I brought you pizza and preachy weirdness. Right. It's, it's really a hot pocket that I kind of like pulled in half. So I just big circle shape. So I cut it sideways. It looks just just like a pizza when you do that. Yeah. I sat on a pizza hot calzone Merry Christmas. He goes like and then she starts getting all preaching. He's like, since when were you a Christian? She goes, Oh, it's we're well into act three. I know you can't tell from the plot because I've already learned my lesson and we'd see, seems like we're going time now. But I'm, and she's like, hey, I brought you a present which I stole from my dad.

She also has this really bitchy moment where she's like, you know, you got me something too. And he's like, what's that? And she's like, perspective. And he's like, cool, cool. Nice to hear the worst thing that's ever happened to me and continues to happen to me. Got you perspective. Yes. Cool. Yes. And then she eats some of the pizza that's all right. I got you this bottle of wine. I'll have a glass

if you're going to open it. Yeah. Exactly. It's open. I got you an open got you this bottle of wine. I'll have a glass if you're gonna open it. Yeah, exactly. It's open. I got you an open bottle. Oh, you brought me a pizza. I brought you half of a pizza. Yes. I got you this cocaine and these two straws. So I brought us a pizza. So and by the way, is it just mere?

Is it really weird that an old man is asking what's supposed to be a teenage girl in this movie about the winter dance as though he was feeling out to see if she had a date? is it really weird that an old man is asking what's supposed to be a teenage girl in this movie about the winter dance as though he was feeling out to see if she had a date. So are you going with like a group of friends? It's crazy. I had a, my date goddess. So, dates?

Yep. She got it. What's her name? Oh, breath milk. names what breath milk star Got it I will go to the dance with you. All right, so then she pray All right, and so then she prays to God that he'll bring her parents back to him She prays to God that he'll bring her parents back to him, right?

Oh, no, harden his heart. It was at this moment that I realized, oh my God, this is just like what he did to Pharaoh. If this movie involves frogs and locusts, I'm back to fuck on board. You can still save it here, flex. Yeah, that would have been good. Also, she decides that she's not going to wear the slutty dress. She's going to wear the bottom half of a wedding dress to the dance stand. Yeah. She looks like a five year old went to the Met Gallup. It's so much.

And then they're like, are you ready to go to the winter ball? And she's like, hold on, I need one more thing. I need the star from the Nativity scene from earlier. Don't worry. This will come back. We think We seem very Grab this mcguffin and we'll take off All right, so fine of fucking Lee we get to the winter goddamn ball where divorced dad band is gonna rock that fucking town like it's never been rocked before Oh, yeah This band is to real music as the pizza in the movie is The band big sack

God Seth Andrews has partied backstage with his band. Oh, really, really depressed. Absolutely. Doing lines off of Corinthians. You guys want to play some dance dance revolution? Am I crazy? Am I crazy? Yeah. And they definitely like this band, it's like an eight piece horrible sad middle-aged dude band. Just eight lead guitars. All guys fighting over lead guitar during the gig. And like they have to be 500 feet away from a bunch of different places because of a bunch of different shit that a bunch of different band members did really hard to book a gig. This is a weird town that let them book a gig at their town. Winter ball. All right. Yeah. So yeah, so Anna comes into

the ball. She slow motion walks up to Colton and just then a slow song starts. So they have to dance. Now, along the way they broke up for him not telling her he was homeless now, wish or whatever. So he went with sexy glasses girl. Right. So the dance for a while, sexy glasses girl comes up and she's like, okay, is this a three something or are you gonna fuck off? Oh, Lindsay, she's got the nose ring and the librarian glasses. It's cool. It's tough.

Yeah. And he's like, so, Anna, this is Lindsay in your face. Her dad actually set me up with a tarp refinance thing. You actually don't have to pay for your mortgage. It turns out. It's weird. It's weird. And so and then out of the goddamn blue, somebody says, and now Anna will give a speech.

I'm like, why? And they're like, well, because this dramatic finale of the movie. Okay. Her friends heckle her as she walks up, right? Her friends are like, eh, bad, bad, I, eh, bad, bad about swinging. So here's what you, what's supposed to be going on here. And again, I piece this together in retrospect is that, you know, she was fighting with her friend all the whole time about who is going to give the speech. The person who gives the speech is supposed to be the person who set up the ball, who, whose theme they picked, because she wasn't, you know, she stormed off and wanted to be about Jesus. It was the other girls chance to give the speech, but to fuck with her, she had

him announce Anna, hoping that Anna wouldn't have a speech and would be embarrassed. Oh, is that the plot? I think that's the plot. Like, it might be, you know, that psychological test where it's just a square in a circle moving around a screen, but you make a story out of it anyway. It might be that the movie. Yup, you have a plot, Peridolia. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

But I think that's what was supposed to happen. So she goes up to give her speech and she's like, supposed to have the dramatic rip up her notes moment, but it's an impromptu speech, so she doesn't have notes. You know what, I can't do this. Reach, reach, reach. Never mind I can.

I can do this. She starts trying to rip up her cell phone. This isn't. Ah! Ah! I broke a tooth. I just got to get a corner started. She's gonna be helping me.

Somebody. Bam. So, somebody help, somebody, bam. Okay, it's poison inside. I've been poisoned. So she gives this speech. And then she says, let's all go to church. And she holds up the star and there is complete fucking silence. And if you would wanted to make this my favorite movie in the history of time all you have to do is

80 are in someone going But then she leaves and nobody follows her okay wait This bizarre moment because this this star was the thing that like, you know, went all blinky when she made her prayer, right? So it's like, it's this, though they told her that they were going to CGI it lighting up for some, she just holds up this star awkwardly for like four seconds, nothing happens. And then she puts it back down and starts finishing her speech like she thought that angels were going to fly out of it or something. She starts making sound effects or something. Oh, baby, pew, pew, pew, pew.

I got this in Hobby Lobby. Here you go. And we're like Hobby Lobby, am I right? When she walked out and no one came with her, I wrote, I'm sorry, did this just become my favorite fucking movie? It's amazing. She ends what she thought was this big, impactful speech and she held up the star and she ends it and she leaves and really we watch her walking by herself and like looking back.

She looks like they told her they're like, oh no, then the crowd will come around the corner. So the actress looks back. She's like, oh, you guys are fucking assholes. Fine. Well, they even have her walk by her parents that are all smiling and as soon as she walks by, they're like, I ain't gonna fucking church.

I love that moment so much. Oh, I wanted them to cut back to the entire ball, just sitting there being like, what the fuck did she mean? We're not following. We're not following. I'm not fucking, I wonder if she's four girls in state decorations.

There's still cheese. All right. So she now she goes to the church, dressed for a dance, which is fucking hilarious, dressed for a dance like a nine year old princess or something. And then you know, oh, hey, what do you know? Homeless Santa's there. He's wearing his suit. It all fits together now.

And she walks up to the nativity scene and places that star from earlier on the nativity as those she's trying to figure out how it factors into the plot. Still, I don't think you're allowed to just add your own shit to the nativity, but I am 1000% walking around with stars to local churches I'm just gonna have a pocket full of small baby Yotas. I mean, so Dude, if you walked up and just gently set a sheep down on an activity, no, they'd be like, oh, he's in a movie. He's got a thing going on.

Hey, this is the chorus stops. There's like, hey, why is that Jewish guy putting a sheep on our thing? Stop it. You get a lot of put sheep there. Stop that, sir. Look at rule number seven right here between how many rings on the phone?

Rabbi, are you homeless? Still you can't do that. Should have paid your mortgage. But now, okay, but now the whole town does decide to not be at the winter ball and go to church with their all the same church interestingly enough that they have the one done nomination town. But our her parents coming dot, dot, dot, Colton shows up, Colton Stad shows up, apparently they're still in the town just wandering aimlessly until they find a home that doesn't have a mortgage I guess.

Anyone have any free houses that you don't have to pay for? And then finally mom and dad walk in and click, there's resolution, right? They become Christian again. They sit down beside her and Colton stands dancing, hey, we're going to switch lawyer sides. So you won't have to move out of your house now. We switched sides. We have the flag or something because apparently law in this universe follows Calvin ball

rules. This movie forgot to take itself out of the, it's a wonderful life moment. So just now the consistent narrative of this movie is like, yeah, we just had three really dickish days. Yeah, that's right. Right. Exactly. They didn't. She doesn't wake up out of this universe or. No, this is real. Yes. That was the fucking laziest resolution I have ever heard of and I was alive for lost, you know Jesus Christ and I guess And fucking joy to the world is public domain so that now

Hashtag wish for Christmas this worked for God's not Yes, also make us go viral on the Twitter's please Oh, yeah, it pops up on the screen like she texted it. She texted just hashtag, wish for just the title of the movie. I guess. Yeah. I wanted her friends to text back at that point, be like, what the fuck does that mean?

Why did you just text us a hashtag you dumb? But all right, she gets that texted back a dick pic and Mr. Smith. Um, but all right, she gets texted back at dick pick and some Mr Smith. Yes. Also, by the way, I checked that hashtag on actual Twitter. And it's so sad. The top results were mostly Alexandra Boylin, who is the founder of mustard seed entertainment. And also the actress who played dumb Rebecca, the not paralegal who got fired.

And most of these tweets are just her taking pictures of the DVDs of her terrible movies. I'm assuming at like gas stations where she saw them on display. It's so yeah, you said we did catching faith. There's a catching face. I saw that. I saw that. I'm excited. Catching faith to the homecoming. We have to walk. Yep. That's on the list now. Yeah. But my favorite of her tweets under that hashtag is it was this year. It was a picture

of her TV guide screen on her TV. Yeah. Showing that wish for Christmas is playing on AMC from like 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. on a Thursday coming up soon First day to stand by a schedule everybody 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. that's real all right so wait I have an honest question here because because here's the fucked up thing right like Like Christianity isn't liberalism, right? So like, what happened when they became atheists, as they became more conservative, which is the opposite that, like, opposite direction to the way that that goes. Did this movie ever realize that Christianity wasn't liberalism and in fact hates that shit? I think the moment she raised the star into the air, that's when they got it.

We gotta end this shit quick. She's about to talk about socialized healthcare. All right, well, tell you what, that's gonna do for our review of Wish for Christmas, but that doesn't mean the episode's done just yet because we still need to make another hollow promise like Eli did last week. So Eli, not that you're, you know, batten a thousand on this or anything, but tell us what's on deck. Lovingly, I mean it this time.

Okay, I forgot how often our show is. He did. He totally did. He just came back and he's just like, Hey guys, we're gonna have to record on Friday and we're like, well, fucking yeah, because we only did the one. Obviously, we have to, why would we not have to? He's like, oh, okay, oh, all right. We all, Eli and Donald Trump both know when Hanukkah is.

Yeah. Which is, they don't. That's true. And we both invited whatever that fucking anti-Semite guys Robert Jeffress I invited him for Hanukkah this year. Oh good good All right, so with Robert Jeffress and Hanukkah to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 227 to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to get yourself among the ranks You can prepare episode donation to patreon.com. So. It's got awful, and thereby earn early access

to an aftery version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows that's getting any instantionated in the skeptic rat, which are available wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematics suggestions, you can email Godoffelmovesitgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law and this is a P.O.D.R. as Tim Robins will take you to our social media. Our theme song is written in performed by Ryan Slotnikov, Neil Drafts, and Mars Hullo, the music was written in performed by our audience and your Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right, and Eli Bosnikov. No illusions, promise to work harder, and on the truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. God floated down to homeless Santa Bill Engvall and said, Right better jokes, that was your son, here's your son. Anna realized later how fucking dumb it was to pass up on that free convertible. Lawyer parents used their legal time reversal powers to get Mr. Smith his house back

and a second house for free, Because that's how the law works. You can take that legal advice from a finance attorney. That's great. Yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.