God Awful Movies - 228: Loving Leah

Starting point is 00:00:00 I wanted so badly because she's supposed to be going around watching the DC. I wanted to look down at the map and we see he's just like put a big red X in a skull over everything west of the line. Do not go here. You will be stabbed to death. I just like, I mean, between the music and the way the camera was panning back and forth, her just looking at the map and then looking around, I really thought she was gonna go full door at the explorer

Starting point is 00:00:29 and just lay the map gently on the ground and jump into it like... Goon in the map! Goon in the map now! Not awful! Movie! Movie! OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I'm sitting a 700 miles to my immediate left. This is my good friend, he 10, right? Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know what's a great movie?

Starting point is 00:01:08 No. This movie, I loved it. I don't understand why it was terrible. It's a terrible message. Everything about it is pretty bad, but I was transfixed by this movie. I don't know why. I don't know why.

Starting point is 00:01:23 I will tell you this, I reacted with strong emotions to this film But I was quitting smoking right so Random emotions and not the ones that the movie intended at any point, but it was I was it was emotional for me stupid Fuck it. I'm gonna come Jewish. I'm not sure. I like it was a great. I enjoyed it. Hanukkah, Tacular Let's go. Well, I will tell you, Heath, you are as Jewish as many of the actors as you've played yourself. One step ahead.

Starting point is 00:01:52 And that voice you just heard, that's coming from 900 miles to my Northeast. And is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli? How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing, Noah. Did you know that the worst parts of your culture are adorable? That's what I learned from this movie. They're folks in charming. Oh, I know the Christian equivalent would have been somebody beating their slave and everybody like walking around and then he just moves and everybody laughs at like, you know, the other day, he's still

Starting point is 00:02:20 alive. He's good. He's gonna wake up Scooby. Do I surprise that wasn't in this movie? Is he a young testament? Yeah. Oh, it is. It is. All right. And of course, also joining us tonight is our special guest massacres Eli's dogs best friend Rachel Schwartz. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, guys. I've never felt so at home that I did watching this movie. No, no, like a crystal ball into my future. Hello, Rachel. Yes. All right. Best friend. Oh, no, I'm, it's actually me. It's me. I'm the best friend. I've seen like Eli's dog react to both of you showing up. Rachel is very clearly mad just best friend. Yeah, that's going to be three. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:03:07 I'm telling you. So, but you're lies. No, we're going to start with a bunch of. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right, so tell us, Keith, what other than magic? You watch Loving Layah. No, it's great. It's great. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Starting point is 00:03:33 We watched a movie called Loving Layah and it's the story of Hallmark proving it has one Jewish friend. So I hate that one. The friend is Ricky Lake actually. Yes. I don't even, is she Jewish? Maybe. I don't know. Yes.

Starting point is 00:03:47 Yes. I don't even, is she Jewish? Maybe. I don't know. Yes. She's Jewish. Okay. Did you see her nose? She is definitely not Jewish. See, that's all right. No comment on that. But this movie is about the positive elements of female slavery that are built into orthodox Judaism. It's basically agreeing with Kanye West that slavery is a choice, but they're saying it's a good one in this case. And it's terrifying. It's fifth wave feminism. Damn it. It's fifth wave feminism. More offensive than Kanye West agreed. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love hallmark romantic comedies, but they lack the folksy charm of Fiddler on the roof and the human channeling of actual

Starting point is 00:04:32 Judaism, you will love this movie. I was honestly, I was curious how you were going to get a you will love this movie out of this one. Like so honestly, I really did. I enjoy you guys didn't like enjoy it during while it's having it. It didn't like trick you into liking it. I liked it. Right. Thank you. I watched it and my heart filled with warmth.

Starting point is 00:04:55 I really enjoyed it. I was nauseated by the misogynist throughout. Thank you. Yeah, but the doctor was so hot. That's true. Are we just going to ignore that? Are we going to ignore his piercing blue eyes? Okay. So keep a hot doctor. And is crazy five o'clock shadow? Are you guys at your fucking minds?

Starting point is 00:05:14 Okay. I would like to posit a theory that for the simpler people in our world, just playing happy music in the background of Schindler's list would have convinced Rachel and he that it was a romantic comedy. Okay. That is true. It wasn't a great story They could have scored that they could have scored that better. Yeah, I disagree. I think it was great. All right I mentioned there's list so oh All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst choice for a Jewish positive plot that they tried to make.

Starting point is 00:05:54 So of all the stuff in the Old Testament, they went with the poet that says, you have to marry your dead brother's widow based on the story of owning a comedy. Yeah, he gives a comedy about owning and owning is him. Owning is the guy who pulled out and masturbated on the ground to avoid having his brother's widow's baby. And now there's a word for masturbation based on his name, it's own anism. That's the beautiful hallmark element of Judy and David. It really underscores what a fucked up book that is though, right?

Starting point is 00:06:31 And they're like looking for a romcom plot and they're like, oh, wait, oh, wait, here's one about a brother in a widow. Oh, oh, okay. I got to go back and watch the Ricky Lake show. Does she do like some old timey interesting like Jewish technicality stuff on it? I don't know. I could say that being a good talk show. All right, so I was gonna go with best worst misogyny.

Starting point is 00:06:54 Now look, I'm not saying this is the most misogynistic movie we've ever done. It's up there. It's top 10, but like, it's the most frequently that the misogyny was followed by a eight-way wacky with our misogyny. You know, I feel like our other movies missed out. Come on, if you turn the camera and loving the bad man afterwards and been like, ain't I a stinker? Now, we know that Heath and Rachel would think that was a romantic comedy.

Starting point is 00:07:22 There's a lot of potential here. Farming the bad man wasn't a romantic comic. There's a lot of potential here. Farming the Batman wasn't a romantic comedy. It was at least half of that. Yeah, absolutely. So one way romantic comedy. Oh, God. I'm masturbated to that movie. So I feel really judged right now.

Starting point is 00:07:39 Nice. That's on the internet forever. I'm really excited for that. I hope my parents listened to this episode. Me too. They sure won't. I Rachel's mom. Please don't do that, my god.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Oh! Noah, can you leave in 45 seconds of silence for her mom answer? I have to leave time for like at least enough time for Rachel's mom to say hi back. Yeah. That is true. That is true. I wanted to dominate this for best worst accurate racism because all of the people in Jew face, it was incredibly offensive. It was incredibly offensive.

Starting point is 00:08:18 There was one actress who just would throw the word Mishugana around, like just ad lip that in. And every once in a while, the grandma would be like, he's a doctor and it was all super offensive, but none of it was wrong. But it was all just a little too accurate for me to be upset. Yeah, that's the wonderful thing about antisemitism. It's if you don't grow up Jewish and you see that Jews are terrible,

Starting point is 00:08:43 you're like, oh, maybe I'm internalizing the home and I'm not gonna let you do that because every time you guys get confident that we suck, you murder us in math. But this is a fantastic example of Jews writing an accurate movie of Jews and the non-Christians who watched it with us being like, that's so offensive. Right? See, I was gonna go with best worst understanding of Judaism occasionally, right?

Starting point is 00:09:12 Because this movie swings wildly from like, where did you beards go on the faith to maybe Orthodox Jews don't teach the girls to read for the fun of it. So like, it's like there was someone who knew nothing about Judaism and someone who knew everything about Judaism, but they weren't allowed to read the other ones draft and they both wrote the script. Question, where do the beards go? Generally not three quarters of it. Or way up your eyeballs.

Starting point is 00:09:42 Okay, no, it's not that, right? I mean, I've seen that in the wild, though. I have seen that. It's not entirely inaccurate. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, speaking of which, there's a ton of shit we're going to ask Rachel and Eli to explain on the other side of this break. So we're going to give him a chance to study up a bit.

Starting point is 00:09:59 And when we come back, we'll dive into all the horrifying motivations of loving laya. Paneha. Guys, thanks so much for letting me write this. Yeah, the first ever J word hallmark. Yeah, loving. Sorry, sorry, J word. Oh, are we not supposed to say that? Is that your term?

Starting point is 00:10:20 What should we say? Jewish Jewish is fine. You can say Jewish. We prefer not to. Yeah, if that's okay. So tell us what you have in mind for a plot. Okay, so it's about a woman who wants to escape the Orthodox Jewish community in Brooklyn, right?

Starting point is 00:10:40 So. Hey, to interrupt, is escape the word we want to use? Yeah, maybe like instead we could just say she wants to go to college. Ooh, I like that, yeah. Um, okay, well, she sees an opportunity when her husband dies. His brother, who isn't religious, agrees to a leveraged marriage so he can free her. Oh, free. Oh, is there another way we can say that, you know, I mean, I guess he could also just randomly

Starting point is 00:11:14 decide to stay married to her. Randomly. Yes. I love it. That way, nobody misses anything if they fall asleep. Sorry. If they, if they fall asleep. Sorry, if they fall asleep. Yeah, our numbers reflect that on average, Hallmark viewers managed to take in about 11% of any given movie. But we want it to be a fun 11%. Definitely.

Starting point is 00:11:36 Okay, anyways, right. So they end up falling in love, but her family won't accept him. You mean at first, at first they won't accept him. Nope. So she decides to be with him instead. Okay, love it. Love it. But just one little tweak. Also, the family does accept him. Yeah, at the end, yeah, they do. I mean, Orthodox Jews don't just allow their... Okay, okay. What maybe these

Starting point is 00:12:01 Orthodox J words do? Exactly. Guys, you can say Jewish. It's just honestly, if I can speak for myself, I'm worried one will appear behind me like candy man. Exactly. Okay. That's good. That's good. Jewish Jewish.

Starting point is 00:12:24 Just don't say it three times. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off with a quick montage of DC stuff because this movie has to take place in a place. So why not one with a lot of readily available B roll? I guess like it never fucking matters where this is, right? Not once. In fact, if anything, the DC other location makes the Brooklyn location that this movie must have less likely and make less sense.

Starting point is 00:12:51 Yeah, right. This part meant so little to me that my brain completely blacked it out. And I didn't write any notes. And then when I went back and saw this beginning part, I rewound the movie and then missed it again. Well, isn't that the quintessential hallmark opening? My first note was music note. The one piece of music, the hallmark channel owns the rights to, right?

Starting point is 00:13:16 Like, this could be absolutely the opening song on every hallmark movie we've ever done. Yeah, it was confusing on this one because I was getting like, okay, this is the one hallmark song, but now it's like beautiful Jewish doctors milling around a hospital, but the music is saying they're on horses galloping across a prairie. An interesting contrast. And we should probably talk about the doctor ring that happens in these movies. Look, whoever wrote this movie knows something about Judaism, but they know staggeringly little about

Starting point is 00:13:51 doctrine. People open this movie by like opening up a chart and making it talk like a puppet. He's like, hello, she had a heart attack. Very good. Stethoscope's mumble mumble. Well, here's how little they know. Okay. So we have a little doctrine montage. Then we cut to him asleep in his office because he's been doctrine really hard. He dreams about an orthodox Jewish gentleman by the name of Benjamin, right? Who appears to him and says, Hey, we good. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. it will find out later. He's like transmitted his soul across the like astral plane or something to send that very important message Yeah, and while we're on that note, I should probably point out one of the least realistic things about this movie A Jew not using their soul transmission for passive aggression. I know what I'm gonna use it for. I'm just saying To say something to your mom or Anna's.

Starting point is 00:14:47 Can people? All right. So yeah, but then we get he's being woken up from this dream that he's having by his girlfriend telling him it's time for lunch. He was sleeping. What how much doctering did he do before lunch? This was his 11 30 AM nap. He was really snap. As big people have big breakfasts have naps. I would also just like to point out, I don't know if any of you guys notice this,

Starting point is 00:15:13 but her eyebrows are so fucking bonkers and sane. She clearly shaved off her eyebrows and drew teeny tiny little lines on them. Like it, like she was from Destiny's Child and this is the 90s. I found them very upsetting. I had to double check what year this movie was made and it is in fact too late for that.

Starting point is 00:15:31 Yeah, no, there was a real contender for like best worst eyebrows going on in this movie. Oh, for sure. Also, like you could tell that she drew them in in different positions for different moods in between scenes. Like by the end when she's breaking up with them, she practically like draws them in downwards diagonals like mad angry.

Starting point is 00:15:49 I was this time. So this is we learn two things though from this scene number one. We learned that the rabbi he was dreaming about was his brother. And if we're paying attention, we also learned that this movie was co-produced by Ricky Lake. Um, I guess that right away. As he's describing his brother, he says, he's a rabbi, a religious one. And if you know rabbis, you know, that's not as stupid as it sounds, but it does sound super stupid.

Starting point is 00:16:18 It was so stupid. I just, I wrote my nose and like, please tell me there are also atheist rabbis, then take me to where they're arguing They're called reform temples Noah. I do actually know more atheist rabbis than I do religious ones In this movie's defense. Yeah, all right. So how is that not oxymoronic? It is it's not super is okay. All right right. Cool. I can give you the explanation. They give all of their parishioners the Holocaust. Oh, okay. That's pretty good reason. Not good. All right. So, but just as he's describing the stream, he gets a call from his

Starting point is 00:16:59 mom and learns that his brother just died. Just to be clear, we will never learn how this brother died, right? No, no, what we will learn is quite immediately that it's not something we need to be sad about. Listen to the music hallmark. Well, if you were, this is not a sad death. This is a set up death. Don't freak out. Yeah, based on the music, we were about to learn that the brother was being baked into a town fair-winning pie of some sort.

Starting point is 00:17:32 I don't know if it's the music that triggered this, but the immediate thought that I had when we find out the brother died was thank God it wasn't the hot brother. Because I knew what brother was going to die in this movie. And I'm just glad it was the one who looks like Dumbledore. It's not. Hey folks, sorry to bust in for a second. Noah's been going through some recent dental surgery and the recording was a little bit more painful than he thought.

Starting point is 00:17:58 So we will be recording without him, but don't worry. He's fine. You can send him love and puppy picks via the internet. Now back to the show. So now we're going to head over to Brooklyn, which is to be fair, where Jews come from. That's where we progeny. Huh. See, I told you accurate racism. Okay. And this is where we will be introduced to the very, very offensive Jew face that goes on in this movie. These actors may as well be wearing prosthetic noses.

Starting point is 00:18:26 This is so offensive. It really is. Is this not, this is unrealistic looking Orthodox Jewish people in Brooklyn? No, they are realistic looking. You're just saying. Yeah, he, it's okay for things to be accurate and offensive at the same time. You big it. Right?

Starting point is 00:18:41 Doesn't that make somebody else a big it? God damn it. Okay. So when very obviously not Jewish brother arrives, Bigot. Right? Doesn't that make somebody else a bigot? God damn it. Okay. So when very obviously not Jewish brother arrives, the rabbi stopped him and he has a spare Yamaka inside his hat. That was the best. I've just wrote in my notes, how many does he have in there?

Starting point is 00:18:59 I just kept thinking it's like the Russian doll of Yamakas. Mm-hmm. And then this of course is where their mother, who is not religious, comes to the funeral. And we should point out that among Orthodox Jews, Benjamin and the main character's mother, what's the protagonist's name? I hot doctor. Jee hot doctor, Jake, there we go. Benjamin and Jake's mom among Orthodox Jews

Starting point is 00:19:23 shows up to this funeral, basically naked. Just naked. Okay, I thought, all right, I'm not crazy. I'm thinking like, low neck for a funeral dress, especially. Yeah. I'm so glad that Eli said that because not only is it a low neck, but it's super short. And the way they introduce her into the scene is the camera pans up, starting at her feet, and slowly making its way up her half naked body, like a scene from Magic

Starting point is 00:19:49 Mike. And I was like, I thought, this is a funeral. I'm so sorry. She looks like real housewives of Burrow Park, Brooklyn. Like it's very, it's not, it looks good. It's a good thing. I'm saying it's a compliment. And this is where we're introduced to the Rabbi

Starting point is 00:20:05 who's played by another than Harris Eulin who's from, you know, Clearing Present Danger, Ghost Busters, Scarface. Well, he is the Rabbi in this movie and you can tell he's the Rabbi because he has the biggest beard. Oh, there's the length system to it with like ranking. They have given him a zz top-esque beard and they have placed it approximately at his eyebrows. It's an unspoken rule in Jewish culture that the longer the beard, the higher up in ranks you are. No one talks about it, but if your beard is down to the floor, you're like a deity. You're our Pope. That's why we don't have one. No one's ever made it to the floor before. Exactly. It's why I grew a beard so I can be in charge when

Starting point is 00:20:48 Noah's dead. Anyways, interesting. So one other question on the Jewish culture. Yeah. Does matchmaking happen at funerals to the extent that they're depicting here? Matchmaking happens at every possible moment. Everything is called it. Yeah Yeah. All moments, all moments, especially at funerals. Funerals are among the more tasteful places that matchmaking happens. Just whisper in during the eulogy. So you want to get out of here? People walking away. That's okay. So anywhere. Now we cut over to the wake. It's kind of a way. Okay, it's supposed to be a Jew wake, but a non-Jew designed and set this scene so it's a goyum wake, but they've like put locks and bagels everywhere to be like, see, Jew wake.

Starting point is 00:21:34 Yeah, I think it was supposed to be like Shiva, but it was immediately after the funeral. Also, I didn't know this about Jewish culture. Are you supposed to be wearing comfy slippers or comfy shoes because this bitch is at her husband's Shiva and is wearing fuzzy pink slippers like in 11 year old? It's very strange. I'm about that insane. It was an odd choice to say the least. I think you're supposed to go no shoes, right?

Starting point is 00:21:59 Maybe they're just like provided slippers for everybody. Yeah, for the sort of barefoot and pregnant situation. I mean, I'm not aware of like a shoes off funeral, but if anyone's gonna have one, it's juice. That is true. So they're all downstairs and they're discussing sort of like, oh, what's gonna happen to his wife? I guess we throw her in the garbage because she's not married to a man anymore.

Starting point is 00:22:19 And this is where Jake and Leia are gonna meet for the first time. And she is upstairs airing her ankles like a whore. That's an interesting moment. He's already like into the thing. He's like clearly read the old testament enough to know what's happening here. He's like, so your husband's dead. Come here often.

Starting point is 00:22:42 My brother. Do you come here often? I would where you gonna? Were you gonna say did you lean in felt like you were gonna say something? This is also where we get the tearing our clothes explanation. Okay, I did not know about that until this movie and I don't understand it like one person died so we all have to look like we got in a fight with a homeless person.

Starting point is 00:23:04 Well, why? like one person died, so we all have to look like we got in a fight with a homeless person. Ha ha ha. Well, why? What's great is that there's, I get, like all things in Judaism, it started out as one thing, but Jews have found a way to cheat the system with the Almighty God. So instead of now, like just actually tearing your clothes, they take a torn piece of cloth and they wrap it around your arm because you don't want to ruin a nice suit. Yes, that's what that is. That doesn't count.

Starting point is 00:23:27 Apparently we spoke to God about it and apparently he's fooled. He's like a tyrannosaurus Rex. Absolutely not. His vision is based on movement. Yeah, exactly. I thought there was like a dedicated like suit ripper guy on the way into these like, if you don't do it,

Starting point is 00:23:44 there's like a guy keeping track of it or something because He describes it as like I should have brought a an old suit because the guy Rip my like brand new expensive suit on the way in yeah I also didn't understand when the hot doctor was like making jokes He was like oh wish I'd worn a less nice suit. And I'm like dude your, your brother just died. Like, there was zero sadness in his eyes in his beautiful blue eyes at any moment. Yeah. It was a weird time for crowd work. Let's be honest. Maybe slutty mom had like a bunch more fabric covering her body. And then the ripper guy did his move. Oh, no explanations.

Starting point is 00:24:20 This movie's coming together. And then we have this weird moment, which is going to come back a couple of times in the movie where she's like, oh man, you know, his soul didn't visit me. So this is real, by the way, Jews believe that when someone dies, they go and visit their true love. And yes, it does make people who don't have hallucinations super sad when they don't see them. But yeah, she's like, oh, his soul didn't visit me.

Starting point is 00:24:42 And Jake has this weird moment of like, oh, about that soul visit thing. That was amazing. Yeah, he's like, oh, didn't visit you and say goodbye at stick move. He found me, NBD. You know, we had lunch. We, we text all the time still. Because he's dead.

Starting point is 00:25:00 Did he not? Traffic. Okay. So now we cut downstairs to when I assume is the rabbi's office and King Rabbi who's beard is slowly tripping its way out the door of the room therein and saying, so anyway, based on the story of Onan, you two are married now.

Starting point is 00:25:19 This is very serious. Please take this seriously. And then after a super, super long pause, he goes, no, I'm just kidding, we don't do that anywhere, you don't actually have to marry her, but we do need to do a magic spell. We have to do that, so please be prepared for the magic spell. Yeah. I also didn't understand that they have to wait three months to find out if she's pregnant and then they can get divorced.

Starting point is 00:25:47 Who are they supposed to fuck? Like why would she be pregnant? Where did that come from? It makes no sense. So if she's not pregnant by his brother, then yes, very much so, that is the story of owning is they are supposed to fuck or else she is supposed to take off her shoe, spit in his face and tell the elders of Israel that he's an asshole, which is the little ceremony. What she should do is kill herself at this time.

Starting point is 00:26:12 I think there is no other option. But yeah, they're going to check and make sure that she's not pregnant. And then three months later, she can officially do the magic ceremony of, and again, this is all real and based on the Bible, removing one of his shoes, spitting in his face and telling the elders of Israel that he is dead to her. So you know, they don't do the whole marriage thing anymore, but they do do the magic spell. Yeah, that was fucking insane. So then we cut to two months, 28 days later, so that we can get on with the magic spell. Yeah, that was fucking insane. So then we cut to two months, 28 days later,

Starting point is 00:26:46 so that we can get on with the magic spell. And this is where we realized that the lady from Russian Dollars in this movie ran a Tashlion. I was really upset to see Natasha Leon in this because I was just like, you're so much better than this. Russian Dollars good. I like that show. Yeah, excellent show. And now we know we have blackmail material on Natasha Leon, if we ever run into her. That is true. Also, she is, she is Jewish, but she is just a beautiful wild stereotype,

Starting point is 00:27:16 the ever pregnant orthodox Jewish woman, full of bagels and donuts, whose first words are about calling the matchmaker. She might as well go into a rendition of Sunrise Sunset when we each of you. Yeah, back to my original point, it was incredibly accurate and incredibly offensive. Honestly, the least accurate thing is that Jewish women who are married wear wigs. And the main character, Leah, isn't even wearing a nice fucking wig. This is your

Starting point is 00:27:46 chance to have amazing hair all the time and you look like a fucking child's doll. Yeah, to be fair, I think the Jews all buy them in bulk. I haven't talked to them about it at the big meetings that we secretly have, but I think they get like a gross of them all together. They toss them out like t-shirts and a concert. it's unclear. But Leah and get ready because here are the dramatic stakes of the movie, kind of sorta, she doesn't want to be matched. She has big plans. She wants to go to Juni. And Dasha, the one's like immediately furious about that. She's like, education, are you fucking nuts? Go out to the menstruation hot and think about what you've just said. That's crazy. I hate to point this out, but like, and I know that for most people, Jews are adorable

Starting point is 00:28:34 smelly dolls, but this is actually incredibly dangerous. Like this is not something that she would be able to say to someone in the community, they made a documentary about it. Like, you can't just be like, I want to get out into the big city. It's, it's not like dying your hair in different color amongst your friends. No, she would be immediately shunned and cut off by her family. Yeah, or kidnapped by some of the religious elite and then starved until she promised not to do it again. So.

Starting point is 00:29:02 Oh, yeah, that too. Yeah, but don't worry, this movie's not gonna acknowledge that this movie is gonna treat it like she's decided to open up her own cupcake restaurant or whatever it is women do in hallmark movies. And just to be clear, Eli wasn't exaggerating about the kidnapping in the bag. There's like people whose job is to do that. They're like, that's, they're like the kidnap, get around the marriage rule so I can fix the thing guy.

Starting point is 00:29:24 Yep, that's the real thing. Right. So she heads over to CUNY for her interview. And this is amazing because we're supposed to establish in the scene that it's her dream college, right? So he's like, oh, we have everything here. You can have a Jew roommate and we have kosher meal plans. And she's like, you had me at kosher meal plan.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Adam Care who I ruined. I am ready to start classes tomorrow. I just felt like this was so insane because she was sitting in this office administrators office and just going, I would like one college please. She didn't even have her SAT scores yet. You can't even fucking apply. Like, did you just wander into this office? You have to like schedule an appointment. That was so insane. And when she was like, I'd like a meal plate,

Starting point is 00:30:15 you're in New York, are you fucking high? Go around the corner to the bagel shop. You're gonna get a meal plan, relax. Oh, exactly. Also, you can get a Jewish roommate? Like, no, that's not a thing. Okay, I mean, they never offered me an atheist roommate at my college.

Starting point is 00:30:31 I feel like they would have definitely said no if I wanted that. It's actually the same box to check. You check Jewish and you get an atheist. I actually got a Jewish roommate who is basically an atheist. So it kind of worked out not both for me, but like they didn't offer it.

Starting point is 00:30:42 That was just luck. It's a two-fer, but yeah, the administrator basically says what Rachel just did, which is like, oh no, you don't come in three days before college and then declare college. I know in your community, there's a lot of declaring and shoe removal, but we need, you know, SAT scores. So now we're going to cut over to Leia who is doing something very sinful. She's at the movie theater watching Moonstruck, which they're not allowed to do. They're not allowed to go to the movies or go out alone. So it's a big deal. But but we're watching the movie.

Starting point is 00:31:18 This movie will wildly swing back and forth between what is forbidden and what is not. But she's at the movies and that matters. So wild. Also, this was insane to me. She's sitting in the movie and then halfway through checks her watch and runs out like she's late for something. Like, you know relatively how long a movie is. Did you pay to watch half a fucking movie? Like, would you ever really be like, well, I've got to be out of here in 45 minutes. Let me sit down and start the Godfather. No. I'm going to catch just the first 45 minutes of moon struggle. I don't like the whole conflict.

Starting point is 00:31:51 Sparta the end. I like it when she's just a woman on her own and there's a guy without a hand. So she hurries home. She's just been doing her Jew errands. Oh, yes. And at this point, I couldn't help but think to myself like, do Christians ever think man it would be nice to be Amish because Orthodox Jews are our Amish people. And like we don't want to be them.

Starting point is 00:32:13 It's not, it's not folksy fun. No, no. I just, she walks back in to her house and her mother's there and her mom is standing there with another Jew and you can tell by, you know, the beard starting at the eyebrows. And her mom is just there with another Jew. And you can tell by, you know, the beard starting at the eyebrows. And her mom is just like, hello, welcome home. I know you're props still sad about your husband who dropped it. But I brought you someone else with an identical beard. You'll never know the difference. Is that what happens in the Jewish community? Like when a kid's pet dies and you replace a goldfish before they turn

Starting point is 00:32:41 around and notice, like you just replaced the husband with another Jew. Exactly. Your husband was sleeping at the top of his tank. Fish do that sometimes. They like the sunlight. So yeah, her mother's trying to set her up and she wants none event. So now we're going to cut to the brother who's having a doodly do to back when his brother gave him a magic Jew amulet of protection

Starting point is 00:33:07 the shitty necklace that's what it was it's a weirdly shitty necklace it's also weirdly feminine like i don't want to judge anyone's jewelry choices here but it's like a bright white silver it seemed like an odd choice for a teenager to get his little brother yes agreed

Starting point is 00:33:23 i just it was so wild to me how he starts talking to his girlfriend about this and it just escalates so quickly. It starts with the girlfriend being like, will she pretty? And he's like, she's a Jew. And she's like, no, but she could still be pretty. And then all of it. And he's like, okay, well, I guess she's fine.

Starting point is 00:33:41 And the girlfriend's like, you gonna fuck her? And then when he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna spend time with her. And then the girlfriend flips and is like, she's family. How could you say that? Yeah. And look, I just wanna say I related a lot to this part of the movie.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I mean, I personally married a guy and I can promise you there is nothing my wife won't believe about Judaism. If I had been like, yeah, sorry, I've got to marry my dead brother. No, I got to lay out. She'd be like, sure. Yeah. That's important to your mom, I guess. Let's, let's do it.

Starting point is 00:34:13 We can fly for 10 minutes a year. I'm going to go do that right now. I guess. Okay. I guess so. So yeah, he basically explains to his girlfriend for the first time that he's off to go divorce his sister-in-law and she is super nice about it, by the way. Like, I would not have handled this as well.

Starting point is 00:34:31 I wouldn't have been like, oh, okay, yeah, no, I get it. I'm from Massachusetts, so we also need to not declare dibs on our brother's sloppy seconds. I'll see you when you get back. So now we cut over to Leia and she's looking through her memories with his brother and she's fondling pictures of them as children and of course her half of the protection Jewish amulet. Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:59 And then the mom comes in and is asking her about stuff and then Leia's like, I'm going to go to college and the mom starts, this non-Jewish actress starts again, throwing out the word mushuga, which makes no fucking sense here. And it's like, you have to get rid of this dream and she goes, if you think marriage is the bout being happy, you're out of your mind.

Starting point is 00:35:20 I had dreams too before I was married. Like it was so upsetting. Yeah, this is the, and this is very much a thing in Orthodox Judaism, but a mom gives her basically the like, love is for closer speech from Glenn, Gary, Glenn Rosenberg. Like, nobody loves each other. They just like each other. Kind of. Look, if you aren't careful, you might end up reading, okay?

Starting point is 00:35:41 We do not want you ending up reading. Yeah. It was like being hazed. The mom's describing it like she went through a sorority or fraternity and she's like, I got hazed by fucking bullshit marriage. It's terrible. Fuck you. You're doing it too.

Starting point is 00:35:54 You're doing it again. You're not getting out of this. And she also says right after she's like, the kid is like, I'm going to college. She's like, all right, well, you have to stop looking outward. You're going to fuck it up with God. It's all about looking at stop observing the universe. You evil whore. It's all about inward. And then she starts naming things like you can't do X Y and Z. You need to get married instead, except those things are go to the movies and college. Yeah. Like you'd best be getting married. Don't you ever fucking go to the movies and college, like you'd best be getting married,

Starting point is 00:36:25 don't you ever fucking go to the movies instead of that? That's the way it word choice. Yeah. So, homework was proud of Muschuga though. They used it all the 25 times. Also, is it Muschuga or Muschuguna, are they the same thing? They used all forms.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Yeah, it's okay. The word is Muschuguna, but the slang of it is mischuga. It's sort of fast yiddish. However, I don't know which dialect coach they have. I assume he's a Nazi that escaped to Brazil or something because each of these actors are like meshu. It was insane. Meshu. Gennady.

Starting point is 00:37:00 There's brown sugar. So I feel like all their vocal warm-ups for every day of this movie were just Hanaka. Hanaka. Hanaka. Give me the latke moishi. Give me the latke moishi. Amazing. So now we're going to coat over to the big day. It's time for him to for her to lace up his magic shoe.

Starting point is 00:37:23 And can I just say I was kind of into the SNM parts of this movie? I was so into this scene. Oh, my God. 100%. Yeah. Like 100%. Now I know that there's like an advantage if my sister dies and turns Jewish. My sister turns Jewish and dies. Biggest part for me was the shoe. I didn't know there was like blow job footwear, but that's the scene we're watching here and it was very erotic with the leather strappy one of two shoes that he wears. And she's like bend and kneeling in front to unlace it. And

Starting point is 00:37:57 then there's, oh my God, yeah, I'm gonna be spitting. It's very sexual. It's gotta be, it's gotta be some guy. Like when this got into the Old Testament, some guy was just like into a weird scene and he like built it into the book. Yeah, there's a whole movie about this actually in the King community and the Orthodox community. It's called 50 Shades of Just Wearing Black. It's pretty good. You should check it out. I also like how the rabbi was dictating all of this and it was just like he was directing a soft core porn. He was like, yeah, now put your hand on his calf.

Starting point is 00:38:28 He is. You unlace the shoe because he has spit on it. Like, I mean, it was so sexual and she's down there and she's kind of sweaty and out of breath and he keeps looking up. Like he's a little embarrassed that he's rock hard. It was amazing. Yeah. This was an intensely sexual scene.

Starting point is 00:38:44 I'm glad we all agreed. And when it was like now raise his leg and they're both like what? Oh my God. Are we getting into? I don't okay. All right. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And he's like, not that far, not that far easy, easy. Now take off the shoe and throw it. And I was really hoping for like a bad throw that didn't count. And I have to be like, all right. It has to go across the room. I don't know. Do they have to be like, all right, it has to go across the room. I don't know, do we have to lace it back up? Start over, start over. These are Jews all throws have to count

Starting point is 00:39:10 or we'd never get anything done. That's it. Also, super small note, the rabbi has him put on this wooden show shoe. First of all, super hot ankles, which is like to throw them in there. But he has him walk around for a second to make sure it fits. It's getting taken off in a fucking second. You're not wearing it around town, like. Oh, I wanted him to be like,

Starting point is 00:39:32 Hey, do you guys have an 11 and a half in the back? Right, like do they have different sizes? What did the same thing? It's like your mom making you walk around and foot locker as a kid. He's like, no, I know you like those ones, but I got to make sure they fit you. Let me, let me pinch your toe. Let me pinch your toe. Push the heel. Push the heel. You're not pushing the heel in. I'm not getting you the exact size you're going to have. You're going to go through this

Starting point is 00:39:51 six months. I never had a new pair of shoes because of that excuse my whole life. So we basically get this weird SNM play, which again, hey, consenting adults. But then when it's time to do the chant, by the way, this chant is real and very bizarre because he says like, do you deny your brother's existence and he's supposed to say like, yes, I deny my brother's existence. And this is where Jake, is the character's name? Jake will stop being likable because he's just like,

Starting point is 00:40:20 I can't do it. So he drags her into the other room to say, you know what? I will marry you. And the only reason I point this out is because there was a good reason for Jake to go through with this marriage and then for them to fall in love and for the rest of the movie to follow through. Right?

Starting point is 00:40:37 Is that he realizes she wants to go to college and therefore goes through it so that she can be free and go to college. The movie does not make this choice. The choice that this movie makes is, I don't want to. Right. It was insane. This to me was the craziest part of the movie because you're right. There were a million other things they could have done with this, but instead this hot doctor who is in atheist, who didn't know his brother, who had no religious affiliations,

Starting point is 00:41:04 is all of a sudden upset about the eleven words he has to say that an old wizard man told him and now he's like let's just get married I don't want to be uncomfortable like you have no God you can't say magic words this is insane. Yeah and if we didn't know a Jewish if everyone on this podcast didn't know a Jewish guy who would do and probably has done exactly this, I would be surprised. I was just surprised how accurate it was about our friend Moishie. So, anyways, with the subtext of this movie officially being established

Starting point is 00:41:38 that it's so difficult to be an Orthodox Jewish woman that pretending to be an inherited object is better than your normal life. It's time for her to leave mom's house to move in with her new imaginary husband. Amazing. And mom is not pleased, right? And just to be clear, mom is not pleased because she's chattel to the wrong kind of Jew. Well, and because Leia uses like the God's plan argument, like right in mom's face, she's like, no, this is whatever's happening is God's plan. And mom's like, okay, I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. I have no comeback, but to fuck you, it's obviously the thing. Don't, no doing that. Don't use my thing. My God's plan is my thing. It's my truism. Also, tiny note here, they definitely

Starting point is 00:42:25 loaded treasure chest full of Jew gold into that cab, right? Did everyone see the Jew gold? Okay. What? You mean the Hanukkah guilt? Yes. They load a pirate's chest into the trunk and never acknowledge it.

Starting point is 00:42:38 It was Jew gold. I mean, it's just Jew gold. What else would be in there? Yeah. So she heads to his apartment for the first time and it's a mess Okay, not a mess. It's a hallmark mess, which means there's an entire newspaper on the lovely kitchen counter This was amazing. It is the cleanest apartment. I've ever seen in my entire life and she's And when he's like, sorry about the mess, she doesn't say like, oh no, this is super clean.

Starting point is 00:43:08 She's like, guess you weren't expecting company. I mean, what a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Although there is a pool table and a basketball hoop and, yes. Oh, God. I really wanted a super competitive basketball game on that nerve hoop to be the next thing that happened. Really disappointed. She just dunks on him. She Jordan sores over him. Rah. Come on. Did you look at my ankles while I was doing that? Because if you did, I have

Starting point is 00:43:34 to kill me. So she shows her her room, which is like a little shit hole and want to mark a very inaccurate part of the movie here. Rachel me up on this. Yes or how many shelves in the medicine cabinet She needs and she says one all of them do some fact checking. That's impossible. The answer is all of them Yeah, do you need all of the shelves on your medicine? What a dumb fucking question all of them I'll just take one show where are you gonna put all your shit God that was insane. That was the most inaccurate part of this entire movie. Yeah. How much medicine do you have? None of your goddamn business. A lot. Classic goi is searching in our medicine cabinet. It's stupid. What is this for? Fuck you. Yeah. So they explain that he explains that yeah, he's not around that much. Sorry for not cleaning

Starting point is 00:44:22 or making any effort when you arrived at my home when I officially declared in front of your community leaders that I would marry you. Here is your paper map to find your way around Washington DC. See you later. It's my favorite thing in the world. He was like, peace out, Girl Scout. Yeah, I just wrote in my notes. Look, if you want to kill your brother's ex wife, there's got to be a less painful way than giving her a paper map to find her way around DC.

Starting point is 00:44:48 This was one of those moments where I again had to triple-check what year this movie was made because I was like, oh, is this the 80s? To people still, oh no, it's 2009. She's a phone. Well, she doesn't have a phone, but he has a phone. Well, so I kept thinking that, but then in a later scene, she takes out her little Nokia flip phone. So I was like, bitch, you've had that the whole fucking time. She's got a six days a week phone. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:15 Absolutely. No, she really does. Like, that's part of the plot later. So they have this great moment where he's about to leave and she's like, hey, before you go, do you think it's stupid that I wanna learn? And he who is not indoctrinated into orthodoxy is just like, nope, not even a little. I think it's great.

Starting point is 00:45:32 Okay, I'm off to be a doctor, bye. It's the best. Just a backtrack a little bit. This was fucking amazing. She's looking around the apartment and she's very upset, first of all, because he doesn't have a mosaic, and she's like, rap, rap, rap, what have I gotten myself into?

Starting point is 00:45:48 And then- What's a mosaic? It's a little wheel that you put a little bit of yarn around, and then your mother wraps a single thing of yarn around it, and then you have to put it underneath your bed every night, and then when you die, they unwrap the yarn around it. Okay.

Starting point is 00:46:03 90, 90, like that was true. No, that was true. That was a lie. That was a lie. I'm the yarn around it. Okay. Ninety-nine, like the Christian me into like doing something that I'm going to look ridiculous later. No, it's a very important Jewish tradition. No, he's lying to you. I'm very racial. We could have convinced. We could have convinced so many non-Jews listening to this podcast just now.

Starting point is 00:46:18 They'd be like, yeah, heard. They got a wheel thing. And then their mom wraps it too. They double wheel it. It's what the day Honestly, don't know whether this was a bluff or not. It's a thing put on the door So you know in the part of Leviticus where he's like bind it as a sign upon your hand and on your forehead and write it on the doorpost to your house So Jews who have no sense of metaphor literally take that

Starting point is 00:46:42 text Write it down and then put it in a magic box that they have to kiss every time they enter and leave a building. And that is real and is only slightly less crazy than the wheelful of your art. Okay, later in the movie, I saw them kiss the doorframe and I was like, is that a thing? Are you supposed to, and you are, you're saying that's real?

Starting point is 00:47:01 Very much a thing. Yes. And in fact, some Orthodox Jews will not go into a house without a Mississa. Because it's cursed. Am I supposed to do that? Or am I not supposed to do that? Everybody is supposed to do it. Is there a goi rule on it?

Starting point is 00:47:14 No. Everybody? Okay. No, did. The other amazing piece was that she's looking around his apartment and he opens, first of all, he goes, you must be hungry. Like she's a weird little lost child. And he opens his fridge and he goes, one of these must be kosher, right?

Starting point is 00:47:31 And he holds up in Apple and some craft singles. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Craft singles are not kosher. I actually knew that. But do you want to know what is kosher from that family of stuff? What?

Starting point is 00:47:48 Polly O string cheese. Yep. And Philly cream cheese. Yeah. Legit, both legit. They had a lot of Jews who were fans of lactose. We're learning more and more. A few times.

Starting point is 00:48:02 Right. And so she's been chattel her whole life. So she's like, hey, when are you going to be home? I'll cook for you. And he's like, neck, neck, neck. We've been buried for five minutes and leaves. And she's like, well, what time will you be home? And he's like, I don't know, bitch.

Starting point is 00:48:15 Yeah, pretty much. And then he heads off to the next scene. And the next scene is him going to work to break the news to his girlfriend that he married his sister. Yeah. This was he says that amazing. And she's like, okay, so that's you did the opposite of unmarrying the widow. I thought we discussed this. Yep.

Starting point is 00:48:36 You look the little really the opposite. You did the opposite. And we should just point out that this movie plays it like, oh man, she's a mean girlfriend. He told her that he had a religious ceremony attend that he hadn't told her about until that very moment. And instead he's now breaking it to her that he is married to another woman. And she is the villain for not being like, oh cool, who are the bridesmaids? I didn't like, I thought Carol was being weird about it.

Starting point is 00:49:03 She's the fiance, right? Carol's the- No, they're not even engaged. Oh, they're not even engaged yet. They were just like talking about it. Yeah. I don't like. I think Carol is the bad guy. Like she's people get super weird about the word marriage and Carol is one of those people. I think she's being weird about it. You would think Carol's the bad guy. You would think I am team Leia. Thank you very much. All right. So on the note that he's not a team. You guys weren't rooting for Leia in this movie. Are you serious? Oh, I was rooting for Leia. I wasn't also rooting against Carol in the same way that you were. She's weird. She's pain about this whole

Starting point is 00:49:39 thing. It's clearly just like, come on. Read the book. It's doing a technicality thing, just relax. You know, sometimes here on God awful movies, they aren't jokes so much as they're just insights into our deepest darkness. Personality's, you're learning a lot about us here on this episode of Love and Play, Noah's mouth hurts and he doesn't understand what love is. So we head back over to the confirm.

Starting point is 00:50:01 Okay. We head back over to the house and Leah has made him scramble eggs. And this is a comedy moment because she still thinks that she's chattel. Oh, slave. Yeah. Yeah. There's celeness on Judaism because of how great it is to have and be a slate.

Starting point is 00:50:19 It's a weird angle. The movie takes a strange, it's a strange, Ricky Lake writes a weird script. I don't know if she wrote whatever. It's a weird pick. Yeah. Also, she asks how his girlfriend took them being married and his answer is awesome. She took it awesome.

Starting point is 00:50:33 Look how wide my eyes are. She took it great. She was big head. Also, this was so weird to me and I don't know what the actors were trying to convey, but he has a few bites of the eggs and is like, shit, I gotta go to be a doctor at my important job. And then he's like, he pauses for a long fucking time and then eats all the rest of the

Starting point is 00:50:53 eggs super fast. And he's like, wow, these are amazing. I mean, it was so fucking wild and made no sense at all and just ended up being a really long scene of this super hot guy chewing. And just to be clear, I would let him eat my eggs, but the scene made no sense. It made me turn over easy. Yeah, made no sense. And then she gives him his packed lunch and he looks at it like, hey, maybe there are some good sides to owning a lady. I wrote in my notes, Jewish wives, you want to fuck your mom.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Okay. One other question about this scene. She mentions that she's bringing somebody over to the apartment to blow torch out the oven, which makes it become kosher. That's how if you blow torch stuff, it becomes kosher. I feel like that's useful knowledge. I didn't know that. So this is more juice-tricking God because his eyes are based on movement. So in a Torah, it says that anything that's been unclean, any cooking surface that's been unclean must be touched by fire, which means in Levitical Times, it meant like take the rock you cook your

Starting point is 00:52:05 fucking gruel on and dump it over a fire because we don't understand germ theory, but we know that Moyshee didn't get the shits after we covered his rock and fire. But modern juices have interpreted that to be we call a rabbi who comes into your house and just blow torches around inside your oven for a little bit. And then declares its magic. I was so sad we didn't get this scene in the movie. It's great. Why not? Why blow torch at that point? If it just says fire, bring a match and be like, yeah, I touch it. It's got to touch the whole surface. Every bit of it has to be touched. Turn the oven on. Right. Not an open, it's not an open flame. If it's not,

Starting point is 00:52:44 it's like a gas oven doesn't care. There's whole rules about it. It's not an open flame. If it's not it's like a gas oven doesn't have this whole rules about it. It's great. God's eyes are based on movement. Okay, but as I understand it, the word fire is interpreted to also be like electricity is fire in other rules where it's like you can't use fire on the Sabbath. That's why you can't use electricity now. Because that's interpreted to mean fire. So, but it's a ovens can be electric. So an electric oven, just turn it on. Yeah, it's one of the other. You're not wrong.

Starting point is 00:53:11 You're not wrong, but you're also wrong. You also don't wear white underpants with a long string with a number of tribes of Israel underneath your clothes. So, you know, there's a lot you understand these people don't. Yes, he does. Anyways, it looks like... I'm thinking like... Anyways. Well, we've had a bunch of revelations about the cast that got off of movies today, and

Starting point is 00:53:33 it looks like cooked eggs is what's going to pass for shenanigans in this romcom. So while you recalibrate your expectations, we'll take a quick break, and when we come back, this movie will continue to ignore how fucked up its plot is. From the makers of Loving Lamb. You stay in that room girl. Oh old neck you character. Comes yet another adorable love story. Mommy, what's outside room?

Starting point is 00:54:01 Nothing, nothing, and even more nothing! If you ignore the horrifying abuse simmering just below the surface. So, wait, Grandpa, is my daddy? Think of the money you'll save on Father's Day Presence. This Christmas... ...Broom. And we're back for more of this shit. And at this point, the YouTube video I was watching started having to cut out some of the song. They didn't have the rights to. So I got to watch. Yes, me too. Terrifying. Terrifying silence. So I got to watch Leah navigate Georgetown

Starting point is 00:54:40 and stony silent. I honestly, I thought it was like a crazy choice by Hallmark at this point. It just be like, now it's the silence of being an orthodox Jewish person in a city. It was serious. Oh, no, they just fucked up the audio track or they didn't have the rights to put it on YouTube or whatever. It's amazing. I wanted so badly because she's supposed to be going around Washington DC. I wanted to look down at the map and we see he's just like put a big red X in a

Starting point is 00:55:07 skull over everything west of the white. Do not go here. You will be stabbed to death. I just like how I mean, between the music and the way the camera was panning back and forth, her just looking at the map and then looking around. I really thought she was going to go full door at the explorer and just lay the map gently on the ground and jump into it. Like, going in the map. Going in the map now.

Starting point is 00:55:32 I honestly have to do that if I'm looking at a map a lot of the time. I have to like picture myself going into it with my phone, you know what I mean? No, I don't know. Jimmy and I'm a grown up. He told me that Heath was an adult version of Boots the Monkey. I would, I just want to throw that up there right now. If he's origin story is being Boots the Monkey, I get it. I've spent a good deal of time looking at that little arrow on my map screen that tells me which way I'm pointing, but it's moving too slow to catch up with the direction I'm pointing.

Starting point is 00:56:03 And then I go and people catch me going into the map and I feel stupid. Yeah, I get it. So now we check over to her SAT class where she's got again, like this weird teacher who's, you know, this SAT prep class will change your life forever. So she hits to SAT class and Jake, our doctor, is shopping for apology jewelry. Because if you buy women something nice enough, the things you did to hurt them don't matter. It's because it's shiny. You just distract them with shiny stuff.

Starting point is 00:56:37 What's the right jewelry for? Sorry. I got excited by my magical blowjob shoe and married a stranger. Do you have a necklace? But I like how he's looking at one necklace, which by the way was so fucking ugly. My God. And then the woman goes into the back and brings out another one. And he's like, that one has diamonds.

Starting point is 00:56:58 I'm not that sorry. It was so like, yes, you should be. You should be all the diamonds. Also, we should point out, Rachel mentioned this briefly, these pieces of jewelry look like a mini cat cat bar. Yeah. But it just comes in gold or platinum, which I'm sure they only offered this

Starting point is 00:57:17 because like the hallmark channel has a deal with K jewelers. The two owners are just holding a gun to each other's head every night before bed. You keep up the lie. Yeah, you keep up the lie. All right, you got it. It was amazing. You went to Jaredite. So now it's time for Leia to come home to find Emily, the comical, wacky best friend who is a person of color. Surprise. Yeah. She seems so surprised. She comes home and she's like, whoa, I wasn't expecting a black person.

Starting point is 00:57:49 She was not. She was not. She was not. She was not. She was not. She was not. She was not. It's Helia.

Starting point is 00:57:58 It's Helia James from Weeds. I know. I was so happy to see her. I love Helia. And Emily's only purpose in this movie, that's the character's name. Emily's only purpose in this movie will be to ask folksy questions about Judaism for layered to give terrifying answers to. And the first one is in this scene where she's like, hey, why do you wear a wig?

Starting point is 00:58:16 And she's like, oh, because if a man who isn't my husband sees it, I've shamed my family and my nation. That's a direct quote from my religious holy book. Well, and she said, she said that your hair can't sexually excite another man. That isn't your husband, which I really, I really empathize with because I oftentimes worry that my hair will sexually excite people. So I really vibed with her on that. I guess it happens to the best of us. Yeah, the best of us you never know. You're to it by it. So let out a couple of locks.

Starting point is 00:58:46 You will get up. It's freed harassed because of your hair. It's true. All the time. That said, I was really hoping that this relationship continued along this lines. By the end of the movie, she knocks Emily out, waits for two days to see if she gets up. That's in the fucking Bible. God damn it.

Starting point is 00:59:03 Also in there. Yeah. And speaking of which, Helia, James, what's the character's actual the fucking Bible. God damn it. Also in there. Yeah. And speaking of which, Helia James, what's the character's actual name? Emily. Emily is like, yes, so I'm going to give you some advice on this. Here's how you charm this man that you're obviously trying to charm. I'm telling you this from a place of knowledge, slave it up. He is going to love it when you cook. Do slaves stuff in general.

Starting point is 00:59:25 Totally great. And the movie is not aware that this is very upsetting. So now let me ask you to how true is that? Because that would explain me being single. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Rachel don't listen. They mean good cooks. They don't mean you. Hey, I set off the fire alarm making toast one time. Hey, I set off the fire alarm making toast one time. Um, maybe you could come over and I could, I don't know, burn a trader Joe's microwave. That's just, that's what it says on my Tinder profile. See where the evening takes us.

Starting point is 00:59:56 My apartment has mice that I'll pretend aren't real. Oh, they're real. Yes, but I moved out of that apartment. I don't longer have half of my heel bone. It's fine. Oh, they're real. Yes, but I moved out of that apartment. I don't know, longer half of my heel bone. It's fine. Oh, my God. So now we had over to checking on Jake and Carol. And can you believe it?

Starting point is 01:00:11 Jake is still mad, even though he got her apology Swiss army knife. What? Yeah. So we got from from his half apology where he explains that they're you're not allowed to be upset because he explained it earlier over to her doing the job is handles now look I grew up with my mother doing this but I haven't revisited this for a long time. It is so weird and this actress does significantly too many hand movements. Right? Yes. Did your parents do like the she gets into mock

Starting point is 01:00:42 arena at one point? Oh my God. It was was insane my mom used to just there were no hand movement. She would just put her hands over her eyes But this was like she did a dance of the seven bells and And the lights are off and then she's just in the dark alone Yeah, hmm team Leia this is good stuff And this is supposed to be the like she made dinner, but he won't come and eat it moment of the movie, but they didn't agree when he was coming home. She just made dinner out of habit and then was sad when he wasn't there. And if you're wondering if this movie will ever have a moment where someone points out to Leia, you are not a slave anymore.

Starting point is 01:01:23 Nope. This movie will never say that. He will just get used to eating the meal she prepares for him. But it was insane. Because right, you're right. First of all, they had no plan to meet up for dinner. Second of all, she makes this super luxurious dinner, sets the table, but it's still dark from when she was lighting the candles.

Starting point is 01:01:42 So then she's just eating the loan in silence in the dark looking sad. And it was horrifying to look into my future. Let me tell you, it's not as horrifying as you think. It's fun. You get to eat double. If you make to double, I feel like just relax and eat both of the things you made. The Heathen write story. It plays a plate for now me and a plate for later me. The Heathen write story. So now it's time for her to find herself a nice synagogues. Specifically, the synagogue of Ricky Lake. Yep.

Starting point is 01:02:19 My favorite part of this was that Ricky Lake walks in and is like, I'm Jerry, but some people call me Rabbi, like Bond, James Bond. It was this insane moment. And Leah loses her fucking mind like the Beatles just walked in on the Ed Sullivan show. She's like, oh lady, Rabbi, I gotta get the fuck outta here. What is happening? Oh my God. And then she's trying to connect with her and they're sitting together being Jews.

Starting point is 01:02:49 And the rabbi is trying to empathize and she's like, you miss your husband. And Leah goes, no, I missed the job. Being a slave is weird. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, it's hard to transition out of cults. This movie's folksy charm. Yeah, and this is where Leia explains like, oh, yeah, I'm in that like leverant marriage thing kind of though. And Ricky lakes like, oh, do you do that? Still, we ended up getting married during that thing.

Starting point is 01:03:26 So it's the old love story. I'm sure you know a lot of people. You're in the middle of doing the shoe ceremony and then was it the blow job shoe? It was. It was the blow job. Yeah. It's the old story. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:39 Okay. Good. Wonderful. And then they have a little nice moment of like secrets where she's like, well, you know, sometimes I like to go to the, well, you know, sometimes I like to go to the movies and Ricky Lake is like, sometimes I like to go sit by myself and not be chattel and they have like a tee-hee. Imagine if we were people moment.

Starting point is 01:03:56 God, it was so horrifying. Yeah, she says she goes bowling at one point. Ricky Lake's like, sometimes I'll sneak away to the bowling alley. A moan? I'm a whore. Yeah. Are you not allowed to bowl? Is, moan. I'm a whore. Yeah. Are you not allowed to bowl? Is that a thing?

Starting point is 01:04:08 I didn't think so. Yeah. No, there's just pretty strict rules against bowling in Judaism. Heath, are you like you just blow towards the bowling ball and you're set? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well you need to knock down blow torches. Yes. You actually had to burn the building to the ground.

Starting point is 01:04:23 Okay. So yeah, he gets home that night to divorce Leia, but she's done the room up in ghost Jew decorations. Jew stuff. They took as many Jew items as they could from some rabbi's yard sale and just stuck them on the wall in that bedroom. And it's very apparent. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:43 And then he just wanders into her room to fondle her wig. Oh my God, that was insane! So creepy! Oh my God, it was horrifying! I don't know. He was just caressing her not nice wig. Right, and he teased this earlier, but what's happening is she's doing Shabbos at this reformed temple, but she's not home, so she's worried she's been murdered.

Starting point is 01:05:10 And I just want to point out the absurdity of a person who left the house yesterday morning with no idea when he would be back coming into the house today and instantly wanting to call the police because he does not know where this person is, who he met three days ago. Yes. And then when he's telling his girlfriend about it and she's like, oh, maybe Leia met someone and he goes, Leia's not like that.

Starting point is 01:05:35 You've exchanged eight words with her. What do you mean Leia's not like that? What is Leia like? You know nothing. In that same phone call, she's like, hey, maybe she's just like out having fun or otherwise not being a house servant for you. And he's like, yeah, maybe you want to come over and fuck.

Starting point is 01:05:53 Oh my God, that was so fast. But anyways, she's mad that he's thinking about Laya when he should be thinking about her. No, but he's like, all right, let's go on vacation. As soon as I find my magical slave wife, we'll go to Jamaica together, just you and me. Oh my God. And Carol's like, okay, okay, and she's on board for a second here.

Starting point is 01:06:13 Again, what's wonderful about Carol's character is that she keeps getting one over by the gifts and the presents, but it's still mad. She's like, yes, we can go to Jamaica. What do you mean magical slave wife? The right home f***ing story. At this point, I wrote in my notes, Jesus, we can go to Jamaica. What do you mean magical slave wife? The Rachel. The story. At this point, I wrote in my notes, Jesus, this woman is an ATM.

Starting point is 01:06:29 Ah, it's true, but this also escalated quickly. And I'm not saying that she's the bad guy, but he keeps looking over at his phone like he wants to call Leigh again. And she's like, go ahead, just call her. And then all of a sudden, is in a furious rage fit. And is like, you fucking love her, you are.

Starting point is 01:06:47 And then he's like, Jamaica. And she's like, okay, honey. And I'm like, who wrote this? Were you having a stroke? This is insane. She's being mean about his spiritual journey. That's what I'm taking away from this. Also, that's totally inaccurate because women never swing back and forth between strong

Starting point is 01:07:02 emotions. We all know that. I feel attacked right now. So the next day, my menstrual cycle is none of your business. So the next day, he still isn't found Leia and his doctor buddy asks him if he's considered that she was, you know, dead in a ditch somewhere. To which he responds, yeah, no, you got to wait two days before you can declare a missing person. That's the law. And yes, you have to wait two days before you can declare a missing person. That's the law. And yes, you have to wait two days before you can declare a missing person, but you can like still call the police. It's not like if you show up early, they're going to be like, no, no, no, here is your countdown

Starting point is 01:07:33 timer. It will buzz when it's been 48 hours. Then you can come get seated at this chileys and report your missing person. And then we cut and we see that he's rummaging through the drawers in her room like, oh, maybe she's in here. Like, he forgot to check in her underwear drawer where she could have been hiding. And she comes back during this and she's like, hey, you're going through the only sense of privacy I've ever had. And he's like, you need to tell me when you go out. And it's great because she goes, no, no You're dickin' a wig what?

Starting point is 01:08:05 Yeah, and he's like you need to tell me when you go out and she's like no I actually don't that was your whole thing and he's like well I'm Man at you for some reason sorry. I went through your things. It was normal. There Might have put my dick in your wig. I don't always things. It was normal. They might have put my dick in your wig. I don't know. I like the Jew decorations. Also, he says he found her a dress book and he that was like the plan was to help find her by finding her a dress book and then like going to all those places in it. No idea. Yeah. And I think the movie really missed that on an opportunity here for him to show up at a bunch of identical Orthodox Jewish houses and be like, hi, are you, I gotta tell you most of this book is just Ems. Are you Moishi

Starting point is 01:08:49 S? Is Leia here? Yeah, Leia's here. Okay. No. Oh, God damn it. Wrong, Leia. And then my favorite thing is he goes, I thought you packed up and left without all of her plates and menoros you were just promising through all packed up what packed up her her second favorite wig and and this is where she's like hey why are you upset we're just supposed to be roommates you don't care when you come home to me and he's like yeah no it is unclear why my character interrupted or religious ceremony and endangered his own relationship. But we're about three quarters of the

Starting point is 01:09:27 way through the movie now. So I guess we're catching feelings for each other. And she's like, okay, well, do you want to go out and he's like, I do. We are on a date now. So they go out for Chinese food. Sounds like a great date.

Starting point is 01:09:41 Yeah. And they have this amazing moment where it's basically the entirety of the state is just him saying things that would get her shunned and being like, so you never like, I don't know, hung out with guys or fucking got boned behind a dumpster and she's like, no, being outside my house without a mail escort would get me kidnapped. I can't emphasize enough how many of the things you're saying would get me kidnapped. So you know, Vio.

Starting point is 01:10:06 And you know segregation. It's like that. What? Oh, I like to, large amounts of fabric though. I got into it. Like she was like doing the full cover. She had the, like a whole bunch of stuff. I don't know, I liked it.

Starting point is 01:10:24 He's found a new king. We're learning things about ourselves in each moment of this moment. You didn't find Leigh Attractive in this scene with the like very modest, but also slightly erotic. All right, slow down. Thing.

Starting point is 01:10:38 I'm a lawyer all day. It was. And then of course, she asks him how he met Carol and he's like, oh my god, you know, with consent the usual way And then of course it is a hallmark movie. So she says, hey, do you want me to move out and resolve all the dramatic tension in the movie to which he responds No, the movie isn't over yet. Well, here's what was so upsetting to me is that, yes, he got stuck in this situation initially, but then, A, it was his fault they stayed married. That was not her idea. And she was like, are you sure about this?

Starting point is 01:11:18 And he was like, totes magoats. And then he's bitching to his friend like, oh man, if only I could get out of this situation. And then she's like, hey, wanna get out of this situation? And he's like, no. No. And I'm like, this is all your fault. I wanna not be in trouble, but also not make a decision.

Starting point is 01:11:37 It was the same. He had so many outs and took none of them. Ha, ha, ha. All right, so now they're walking home and he offers her his jacket. It was actually not his jacket. It was his scarf. It was a scarf which I found really upsetting. He like pump fake the jacket. He's like, well, I'm cool too. You can have a scarf one love. He cuts off the pinky of one glove. He goes, you can have this. This is also where they have this amazing confession moment.

Starting point is 01:12:08 She's like, when your brother died, I was watching a movie, which is why his soul couldn't find me to which he responds by immediately taking a phone call. I mean, that is her line. And then his phone rings and he's like, I got to take this. That was my girlfriend. Yeah, it's all that thought. All that thought you thought your husband's soul couldn't reach you because you were just obedient.

Starting point is 01:12:32 Hey, Han, what's going on? Also, you're forgetting one of the best parts about this scene is while they're walking, he's like, you know, you weren't what I expected. She's like, what do you mean? And he goes, you're so sassy, you got spunk, kid. Like, I didn't expect a slave to have a personality. You're very, how do I say this back? You pack talk a lot more than I expected.

Starting point is 01:12:55 But seriously, I like it a little opity. That's fun. It's fun. Yeah, this is nice. This is a, this is a fun thing we have. So go make some food. I'm going to fuck my fiance. We'll be back here.

Starting point is 01:13:05 Like half hour, hour. Yep. That's what they do. She's going to make food. And then she goes through his drawers. I wanted her so badly to find a bunch of end trainers. What is an end trainer? I'm not only do you.

Starting point is 01:13:19 You're going to Google that on your own, Heath and right. And then she also, right now, she looks at a picture of him and Carol at a dance and the subtext is supposed to be, wow, showing my shoulders in public. What would that be like? Be that. Be like. But we don't fade to a doodly dude, it's just her, you know, rocking with her head closed about the idea of not wearing seven sweatpants as a shirt all day. Okay, is an end trainer a Pokemon device?

Starting point is 01:13:51 Yes, it is. The next morning, she's going to be back for the next day. Tell me what it is. Is it a sex thing? It is, yes. So she is heading over to the SAT class. What?

Starting point is 01:14:05 And he offered, she's working on her SATs and he offers her help. And she is working on, correct me if I'm wrong in this, she's working on fractions for the SAT. It's not just fractions. It's fractions phrased as how many fucking pieces of pie you have left. Like is this anything that was so insane? She was like, if there are six pieces and I eat two, what is the answer? It was insane. And the solution he gives her by the way is wildly wrong. Oh, yeah, he's like, look for the lowest common denominator, which has

Starting point is 01:14:39 absolutely not. You're just multiplying two fractions together and then you're done. And there's a, you don't have to do any of that. It fine. Yeah, but but instead of that he's like well, this is obviously beyond you. Do you want to go swimming? So now we have the weird playful I've never let a man see my shoulders and legs who wasn't probably sexually assaulting me swimming scene Yeah, like the natural next step. Doesn't really make sense either, because she's like, all right, I'm about to get into pool, look away. But she's wearing more than a towel under the towel by a lot, because we see her bathing

Starting point is 01:15:16 suit for a second. And it's like a, like a medieval night's romper armor. It's large and strong. Swaring a swimsuit that would have made my grandmother call her a prude in the 20s. I mean, and he's so playful about it. He's like, oh, you're going to, you're going to be swimming in your towel. And she's, I was like, oh, sorry, let her just forget her incredibly abusive upbringing real fast.

Starting point is 01:15:39 No big deal. Yeah, don't want to inconvenience you with how this woman was raised to think of herself in her body, because you're trying to get a swim on. But now we get a little montage, right? She's considering buying a skirt that doesn't cover her ankles and going to the library. Ooh, and again, these are all horrifying revelations, but the hallmark music playing in the background or at least most of the backgrounds, because my YouTube movie also cut out the background music here is like I

Starting point is 01:16:09 expected like the other Orthodox Jews to burst into song around her like there goes the girl All right, so now Emily and Leia are friending some more They're best friending. They're best friending. Emily is giving her terrible advice. Layas like, I love him, which sucks because he is a girlfriend. Emily is like, don't worry, girl, I'm sure he hates his girlfriend. If you keep cooking, he'll come back. Yes.

Starting point is 01:16:40 Which is accurate as we find out momentarily. Her argument is that he wouldn't be nice to you unless he wanted to be married to you forever. It was very upsetting. Yeah. But he does. That's what's happening. He does. Yeah, to be fair.

Starting point is 01:16:56 To be fair to Emily, she is correct. So he's at the hospital when he gets a call from Leo, uh oh, at three, her mother is coming and they have to pretend to be married. Which equates quick by a dining room table. They bought so much furniture. I was like, where have you been sitting all this time in your home? They buy so much furniture and I want to talk about this scene where they're buying the table. So they got the two actors and they're sitting at this table and there's nothing to say about tables, which is true. So they're like, yes, we'll take it. And she turns to them when she says, we should probably get a rug as well.

Starting point is 01:17:34 At which point the under five other actors screams, I have rugs. Sorry, too strong. We also offer rugs here at the store. You would like one. What does this all mean? Just you have to have stuff like your apartment doesn't have tables and rugs if you're unless you're married, like that's a married thing. Yes. Someone's never been visited by a Jewish mother-in-law. So stupid. Yeah, I have a table. No, you don't.

Starting point is 01:18:11 you have a table. You have the wrong table. You have the wrong table. He's, it came with the apartment. It's not mine, but I have it. There's also this weird Wackety Schmackety Do moment where they go to the jewelry store to buy wedding bands, obviously, so that they can fool the mom. And the sales clerk is the same lady as when he bought the KitKat bar earlier. And there's this like very broad comedy moment of like, oh, you're cheating on your wife. I am my promise. It's, it's just a weird moment. It would be like if he started hitting her out in front of her thing and she was just like, I don't see nothing.

Starting point is 01:18:41 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a great description of exactly what happened. But meanwhile, they're like, it's like they're on a cute date montage, they're going around by and shit, and she's like, let's get candles, and he's like, is that what Jews do? Sounds like a plan.

Starting point is 01:18:59 I think I have the music from the sting going. It's pretty fun. It's a fun moment. Yes. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, he still hasn't broken the news to his girlfriend, so now it's time for him to update his girlfriend about the plot twist, which he doesn't in the form of, okay, you know how he's gonna divorce that lady? Well, instead of going on a trip with you, I'm gonna do a pretend married with her for

Starting point is 01:19:24 her parents, Are you mad? You're mad. Awesome, mad. And he's like, I'll buy you anything you want. We'll go to Jamaica tomorrow or the next day. We could go to Prague. You want another necklace? I'll get you another necklace. No, and Carol's being weird about again. She's being weird. This is exactly how you push your fiance into the arms of his fake wife. I'm just saying, like Carol's not even smart about again. She's being, this is exactly how you push your fiance into the arms of his fake wife. I'm just saying, like Carol's not even smart about it. Yeah, Carol's the problem here. And, certainly, this movie appeals to everybody. So he tells Leia that he's staying and, uh, oh, if you're staying, it means we're going to have to stay

Starting point is 01:19:58 in the same bedroom. I wrote my notes. Right. See, if you're going to stay, my mom is going to need to see your dick up to the hilt in my vagina. It's just part of the thing up to the hill. So this next part is started super realistic where the mom comes into the apartment and is looking around judging everything. Heath, again, you wouldn't know what that's like. The table was wrong, the lamps are wrong, but this is where it gets really out of hand.

Starting point is 01:20:26 They purchased the tachy as pillows I've ever seen in my entire life. They say like Shabbat Shalom. And they're in this horrible white polyester and the mom goes nice pillows. No self-respecting Jewish mother would have liked those polyester pieces of shit. Yeah, everyone knows that all Jewish mothers like their pillows and nobody else's those

Starting point is 01:20:49 are the only acceptable pillows. Correct. So do some fucking research before you write a movie. Exactly. Well, it looks like pillows is about as close to suspenseful as this one's going to get. So we're going to pause here for a quick break. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Can they convince her mom that they're really in love? So the fuck what if they can't find out the answers to these questions and more

Starting point is 01:21:12 when we return for the avanescent conclusion of loving Laya? What does Evan Essent mean, Eli? It's a band. So wait, your brother's ex-wife is going to live with you? Uh, yeah, I guess so. Uh-oh. And you're still married to her. I mean, kinda, I guess. It's not like, it's not like a real marriage.

Starting point is 01:21:40 Okay, but to be clear, it's not so she can escape from her home life. No? And it's not so she can escape from her home life. No? And it's not because you have feelings for her? No? So then why did you do it? MMM. What's MMM? MMM.

Starting point is 01:21:55 MMM. Okay, and you did all of this without telling me. I mean... Are you mad? I mean, I'm upset. I just want to understand why you would think it's okay to bring another woman into your home, marry her, not tell me about it,

Starting point is 01:22:12 and then expect me to only be okay with it, but not even ask you why you did it. So you're mad. Jesus Christ, never mind. Wow, Brisha, you really nailed that skit. Thanks. I had a lot of practice. And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're going to open up this time on that wacky, but what if he Jews wrong dinner

Starting point is 01:22:40 with mom? That is exactly what this is. Yeah. First thing he does wrong, I didn't quite understand what was wrong about it. He was putting butter on the table and you can't have butter on the table when there's brisket on the table. It can't eat meat and milk. It's not kosher. Well, first of all, butter on brisket sounds amazing, but you can't even just have them separately. No, nope. You can't have them in the same meal. Yeah, you're not supposed to eat them within an hour of each other.

Starting point is 01:23:07 I think it's the rule. Okay. But like, all right. So eat the brisket and then like have some butter an hour later. Sure. Okay. Problem solved. He see this is the rabbinical.

Starting point is 01:23:17 You're welcome. There he is. You're like, he also calls her sweet kinks and mom responds to this. Like he asked for a blowjob at the dinner table. I threw up in my mouth a little bit when he said that. There's also this great moment where she's like, so you're a doctor who saves lives and he's like, yeah, I'm actually working on a cardiac and she's like, are you part of our cult or not? That was great. And he's like, I'm part of a gym and she didn't appreciate the humor

Starting point is 01:23:47 in that. Oh, she did not think that was funny. I will say though, I really empathized with this part when Leia was like, Mom, he's a doctor. Because every time I've started dating somebody and told my parents about them, whether or not they are a doctor, I go, mom, he's a doctor. Just because podcaster doesn't usually fly. But yeah, that's fair. I get it. Okay, very competitive sometimes. There's a ha ha ha. Thousands of applicants.

Starting point is 01:24:13 Oh, I'll have you know, we have dozens of people in our category. We are just below the seventh most popular Game of Thrones we watch podcasts. Refreshing. Okay, still just bless. But what are you? You know, we get those guys anytime now. They don't even edit. So, and of course, because we do need some accuracy. It's been three minutes.

Starting point is 01:24:36 Mom wants to know when he's going to fuck a baby into her daughter. And his answer is great. He's like, um, soon, right. And that's is great. He's like, um, soon? Yeah, right. And that's negative somehow. He's like, soon, but you know, like I'm waiting for, you know, set up my independent practice, make a little bit more money. I want to be a dad who like, you know, has time.

Starting point is 01:24:57 Who fathers, like a dad who fathers and she's like, cook, fuck you. In some ways. Yeah. So he's like, yes, Lay is an amazing cook, and then Lay is like, but my mom is the best. And then he's like, I'm sure she is the best, and she's like, hold on, are you saying you want to fuck me and not my daughter? And then I'm like, does he not know the rules of Jewish marriage? You need to fuck your wife and her mother. It's really? Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:25:23 Oh no, what am I doing? What am I doing? what am I, what am I, Dodd? Do you have any terrible things? Interesting. For me, he's then right. I have no feelings. No, unless you had feelings, did you have feelings? What did you say?

Starting point is 01:25:37 What about rules? I'm a rule guy. I just want to know what the rules are and don't want to break them. I'm climbing out my window of my friend. So dinner ends and they're in the bedroom together. When she realizes, oh no, she doesn't have her night gown. Now, I wouldn't mention this

Starting point is 01:25:55 because it wouldn't matter in any sane world, but it is going to matter later to the plot. So they come up with this insane excuse where it's like, oh, we'll say you had Ethiopian meat. No, we'll say you were beating me for swimming. It's the perfect crime. Oh my God. That would have been a good, that would have been better than the Ethiopian measles. Yep. Yep. Yeah. She left her night gown under the pillow in the room that she sleeps in and mom's in that room now. That's what's happening. Yeah. Yes.

Starting point is 01:26:25 Okay. Who puts their night gown under their pillow? You know what, my- That was my question. My mom keeps her pajamas under her pillow. Interesting. It's maybe it's a Jew thing. It's a Jew thing,

Starting point is 01:26:35 because I do that sometimes. It makes a certain amount of sense. It does, it's like, oh, because that's where I go to bed. So I put my little bed clothes in my bed. Yeah, and like they stay warm and they're not like out in the open. Disagree with stay warm there.

Starting point is 01:26:49 Okay. Yeah. I feel like that's not how warmth works. Everything feels warm to me. I don't know. Works. Kinda just moves around evenly. I put them on. I just put them under the oven and the broiler.

Starting point is 01:26:59 So I'm like, good. I mean, and I have just get the tops toasty brown. Also, there's one other moment here where Leia has to go into the closet to like get whatever she's going to change into because the nightgowns in the other room. And she knocks over the pool queue and the balls from the pool table that they've hidden in there, right? Yeah. Okay, first of all, do they hide the pool table somewhere? Like, why would?

Starting point is 01:27:26 Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. We're not. Hide just the balls of a pool table and accomplish anything. It's just my normal pocketed felt table. Yeah, I was really hoping we would get a scene later where they're like passed by the pool table and the mother's like, what's this? And they're like, oh, this is a, a dreidel. He like lifts it up and spins it. Just mash it through the window. Yeah. Gimel, good times. Yeah. Good times. But, but yeah, so the, the pool balls fall on the floor. And like the noise of that was supposed to be suspicious. Like the mom was going to be like, are those fucking pool balls in there? Are those anal beads thrown around on the floor?

Starting point is 01:28:07 Like what? From the other room. I don't hear a conception in there. Follow up, mom. How do you know what? The sound of anal beads falling on the floor is never mind. Never mind. We're tied.

Starting point is 01:28:20 I don't ask anymore. That's the reason. Let's see the view. And then they have this super sad moment where they're like, hi, this is, this is like it happened one night. You know that movie from the 1940s? Oh. About purity.

Starting point is 01:28:35 It's charming. This movie is like that, except we have cell phones. So it's less cool. I like that she likes the old movies. Team Leah, she's got cool things going on. They've characterized her. She's got cool things going on, but I also wish she wasn't afraid

Starting point is 01:28:50 to be in the same bed as her husband. I just like out, she was originally gonna sleep on the chair and he says, jump in the bed's wider than Rhode Island. Is that a saying? Did I miss something? It's like the smallest state, which is just a little use. I'm just gonna say Rhode Island's not known for its wide, like very, very technical

Starting point is 01:29:09 metaphor. Also, just side note, it happened one night, the punch line of that movie is them fucking. The entire, but the whole point of that movie is, are they gonna fuck? And then the last frame of that movie is him blowing a horn to lower the wall of Jericho. It's just you get it because they're fucking is that whole movie? Anyways, so now she's showing her mom around town. And it's time for them to have a confrontation. She found her night down.

Starting point is 01:29:38 She isn't sleeping in there. She's not really chattel at all. And she's also just pissed about everything. They're walking around town. She's like, what is this fucking sidewalk? This doesn't look religious. And then she, she starts to bring her to a reform temple. She's like, mom, I want to show you the life I'm creating for herself.

Starting point is 01:29:55 And she's like, oh, reform! Temp, but like it's not Auschwitz, relax. Hey, you are a murderer. Also mom's selling New York here over DC. Yes. Which should be easy, but she's not doing it well. No. Just like bring a bagel and your lay is back back in Brooklyn tomorrow, right? Just nearer. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. But yeah, no, she wants to bring her home to the apartment where she can live with her and lay says, no, so the scene ends. So Jake comes home and when he asks how the conversation with mom went, little moment here, as he comes in, he goes, sorry, I'm late.

Starting point is 01:30:32 The line at slow most was cute. Oh my God, that was insane. I love the idea. It's Chinese food, by the way, which makes it doubly awesome. I love the idea that the makers of this hallmark movie think that like Jews have a secret underground network of Chinese restaurants owned by Jews. Yes. That only they had to call maybe shlomo's the Chinese restaurant. Yes, but he doesn't get he doesn't go. He doesn't quite hit shlomo's. He says slo-mose was a.es was the best. But he comes home and then she's like, oh, let me return all the furniture.

Starting point is 01:31:09 You weren't going to use it anyways. Where I just don't understand. They bought a whole house with a furniture, but he's been living there. It's so confusing. Also, she's like, so, when are you and Carol going on your trip to Jamaica where you can, you know, raw dog? And he's like, oh gosh, forgot to tell you because my character

Starting point is 01:31:27 never has any motivation in this movie. We broke up. There's that thing about me being married to you. Also, I never loved her. So that's probably worth mentioning. Mm-hmm. Anyways, you wanna come to a black tie event with me, huh? I know you got black clothes.

Starting point is 01:31:42 You wanna come? Yeah. It's just a weird transition. You also mentioned that she's a better dancer than him as part of the problem. He was like, she was always a better dancer than me anyways and I'm like, you're really laughing off this breakup, huh? Yeah, you're really torn up about this breakup

Starting point is 01:32:02 because you asked me on a date at the end of the sentence where you revealed it to me. Yes. Also, that would mean I would need to find a worse dancer than me, and that's not voting well. No. But don't worry, because that means it's time for a shopping montage.

Starting point is 01:32:17 My favorite part of any movie. Oh, and Emily is so amazing here. She's like, honey, we got to find you address that doesn't make you look like you're a member of the cult that you are a part of. Oh, this was rough. I mean, this is supposed to be the like, she's all that moment, right?

Starting point is 01:32:35 But it's a montage of like de-jewishing, that was offensive, right? Yes, where she very slowly and sensually removes her wig and lets her hair fly free. It was like the scene from the princess diaries when they put a crown on Anne Hathaway's head.

Starting point is 01:32:53 But but instead of a crown, it's just the hair she's had her whole life. Exactly. Yeah. Also, I don't want to be that guy, but the chances of red hair surviving inside the Orthodox community, actually pretty good. Recessive jeans kind of art thing Exactly. Yeah. Also, I don't want to be that guy, but the chances of red hair surviving

Starting point is 01:33:05 inside the Orthodox community actually pretty good recessive genes, kind of art thing in the Orthodox community. Why do you think I color mine red? I like that he responds to that. She comes out for the first time he's never seen this before, I guess. She comes out with just her hair, which is longer. And he's like, oh, look at that, look at that five inches of bottom hair. Yeah, he was like, oh, I've always liked 10 type horn. Okay. So they go to the party and she's awkwardly introducing herself to people when, oh, no,

Starting point is 01:33:39 Carol's here with her new boyfriend. Damn, Carol moved on fast. Good for Carol. Yeah. with her new boyfriend? Damn, Carol moved on fast, good for Carol. Yeah. And she found like an in your face, like even better looking doctor boyfriend, which was pretty good work by her.

Starting point is 01:33:53 Yes. Who's a better dancer? Yeah. I like how people were like, Oh, Jake, oh, is this one your wife? Like, is this, yes, this is the woman I own, thank you. I'll take you out to the garage later and show you my collection of women. It's really, I just added to it. I think you're really going to like what I got an Italian one recently.

Starting point is 01:34:14 It's pretty fantastic. So yeah, there's the awkward. Uh-oh. There's the ex girlfriend. And then we have the typical line that means nothing, but has to be in a hallmark movie. She goes, she's beautiful. And he goes, no, you're beautiful. That was insane. I really wanted her to be like, okay, um, you didn't really rank it though. You just said the same word again. Can you rank it? I wanted her to be like, you know, two people can be beautiful, right? I mean, I know that the ownership quality is actually part of the hallmark thing because it's reinforcing Christian patriarchy in a soluble way and we're introducing Jewish patriarchy here, but like, can you just let two women be beautiful?

Starting point is 01:34:52 And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, for just a real fast, which was probably good given the cast, the way they get to that though was ridiculous. At one point, Carol's like, Oh, is that background piano chords? The song playing. This is my jam.

Starting point is 01:35:17 And then they, they dance to like, not a song. It's just really somebody like warming up on piano. Just someone doing scales. Also, when they danced, I wanted to lay it like break into Havana, Gila and all the circle dances. Right? She's like, come on people, you know this one. Havana, who's sitting in a chair? Let's do this.

Starting point is 01:35:39 Havana, Gila. No, just me. Just you. And then they get home and they hallmark kiss for a second. It was pretty strange though. She went from being so uncomfortable because she hasn't been out in public like without her wig and covered from her eyeballs to her toes in a long time. She switches from that to sexy bedroom eyes in a second.

Starting point is 01:36:01 She does. She is immediately like putting her finger in her mouth. Like it went so hard and so fast. Yeah. So now it's the next morning. They have had hallmark sex and we get the saddest trope in hallmark movies, which is that they reveal most women's fantasies to be someone temporarily treating them with basic human decency. To be fair, same. Here's the thing, he's not even like really peppering her. He like made a little bit of breakfast.

Starting point is 01:36:34 Yeah, and he did that thing where he pours the orange juice that he has in a container into a caravage, just to pour it into another glass. Fuck you. Fuck everybody who does that. See, this is why you'll never start a whole park movie. I went somewhere to pour orange juice into a corraph into another vessel for me to drink it out of. Really?

Starting point is 01:36:53 Yeah. Bitches love crafts, man. I really do. You have a craft stupid. But you don't use it. I use wine and whiskey. No, this is in for himself. No, it's for himself that he drinks directly.

Starting point is 01:37:05 I have a way. I have two dedicated crap. I have like a decanter for the wine. I have a whiskey craft. All right. Relax. There we go. Orange juice in it.

Starting point is 01:37:13 And then clean that. What the fuck's happened? So yeah, we get a montage of him treating her with basic decency. I got bored during this part of the movie. So most of my notes for the scene are a rant about how I don't think people shit on Michael Bluway for the right reasons. Like he just sings songs your mom likes and he's not even an artist, but everyone wants to behead him on TV. I don't think it's fair. Anyways, they're doing chaubus. He's watching her sleep. By the way, while he was watching her sleep, she had loudly farted. This movie

Starting point is 01:37:42 would have won me back. But no, we don't get that much. And then we have this weird way. He watches her sleep and then he like puts away the picture of his brother because now, even though he has been defined by marrying this woman because of his brother in this moment where the the fucking stakes of the movie have been resolved, they realize they don't have the full 90 minutes. So now he's guilty about fucking his brother's life. Yeah, not only that, but a do you think the picture can see you and B I thought he was gonna put it away and then they were gonna start fucking which is like medium understandable No, he puts the picture away and then goes the fuck to sleep

Starting point is 01:38:22 See, okay, I thought there was like some dark stuff going on. I thought they were just like intentionally keeping the picture of the brother next to the bed so they could get him in on it. Oh, maybe. Ooh, I like that. I think it's too kinky for this movie. I feel like I should add that to the Bible. Like that should also be the rule.

Starting point is 01:38:37 Look, if I've known anything, it's that you're allowed to add stuff to the Bible according to Orthodox Jews. His vision's based on movement. So now it's time for them to meet his mother and she's not Jewish at all, so she's super nice. She's like, hey, your hair isn't covered and she's like, oh yeah, no, your son fucked the Jew out of me.

Starting point is 01:38:56 And mom's just like, nice, he'll do that. He will do that. That's my boy. So yeah, they're making small talk for a little while, but again, it's time to introduce some dramatic tension. So they're talking about the unveiling, and it turns out that he has been hiding the letters from the funeral parlor about the unveiling.

Starting point is 01:39:18 So when they ask her about it, he's like, I'll get to bearing my dead brother when I get to it, go. He had such a pizzerah reaction to that. He was like, I'll get to bearing my dead brother when I get to it. Go. He had such a pizzeria reaction to that. He was like, stop asking so many questions. And the mom is like, I just wanted to know if we should have lunch. That was the extent of my questioning. I don't even care.

Starting point is 01:39:36 I'm fucking my brother's sister. Go. Go. It was insane. You know the boss of me. What do I say at that thing? Like, just, okay, goodbye, dead brother. She might have an orgasm soon. You like loosen the jar though. That was totally you. That was

Starting point is 01:39:49 your, your work. I wanted to see more of this conversation, though, where like I want to see mom get into it and just be like, all right, lay us. So now we're here. This is perfect. Who's dick game is better? Which one's bigger? I think it's because as a parent, you should wonder. You want to know if I was your mom or a dad, it would be probably dead. If I was one of the hell, if I was a parent, I'd want to like describe the shapes, you know, like I saw them when they were kids, like, I want to know, I'd want to get into it. All right. Well, we're glad you're not reproducing. So that scene ends and lay it goes into the bedroom to find him moping. And she's like, Hey, it can't help, but notice that you're freaking out and

Starting point is 01:40:30 introducing tensions at the last something like five minutes of this movie. What's going on? And he's like, so you remember how at the beginning of the movie, I felt like I was betraying my brother by not marrying you. Well, now I feel like I am betraying him by marrying you. And it's honestly, it's like this had nothing to do with you and it's about me treating the women in my life like emotional pawns to checkmate guilt I have about my dead brother, you know? I'm the protagonist to which he's just like, well, you know, it's a whole work movie, so I guess I'm going to be okay with this behavior.

Starting point is 01:41:06 I also really liked that he's all upset and worked up and he turns her and he's like, don't you feel guilty? And her response is basically just, no, he was my master. I didn't love him, so this is fine. And he's like, did you love him? Did you love him? And she's like, no, no. No. Not even a little. Our parents arranged for us to be married and we barely spoke. Yeah, but did you love him, though?

Starting point is 01:41:32 Okay, I'm talking with this. Describe his dick. We didn't talk about that earlier in dinner, yeah. And then you get this amazing part where he leaves like in a huff. And she's trying to call him and he's ignoring her calls. And I gotta be honest, this is the ignoring her calls and I got to be honest this is the most her non I was during this entire movie.

Starting point is 01:41:48 Okay. So now we cut to so he doesn't answer her calls which means Laya's packing her shit and she's gonna go home to Jew Brooklyn. And when she does that and she meets her mother, she's like, hello, I am ready to be submissive once again. And the mother is like, thank Jesus Christ. I mean, whatever our guy is. Thank him. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. And so Jake sort of moaps his way home and his mother is there. And she's like, Hey, you drove your wife out of the house last night and he's like, yeah, her, um, per se t scores are here.

Starting point is 01:42:27 Should I, um, mail them to her? What do you think? And mom's like, no, you need to go up there and you need to go do that. Like what is it? Is that the cemetery? The unveiling? Is that where it happens? Yes.

Starting point is 01:42:39 It's this happens at our house. That happens at the house. Oh, the unveiling happens at a house. No, no, no. The unveiling is the unveiling of the grave because you do it a year later. Yeah, no, the big love confrontation that's about to happen is at the house. Oh, right, but mom here is saying like,

Starting point is 01:42:57 all right, you gotta go up and do that unveiling thing at the cemetery and apparently tell jokes. They were describing it as you would need to tell jokes at that. Yeah, it's like an open mic. It is. No. Everyone's supposed to do a Type 5.

Starting point is 01:43:11 That's fucking cool. Yeah, please do a Type 5 when I do. That's very interesting. I will do a Type 5 when you die. I've seen your Type 5. I already have it written. It's ready to go at any moment. Okay. And as it should be knowing my health. It's ready to go at any moment.

Starting point is 01:43:27 And as it should be knowing my health, you're welcome. So now we cut over to the synagogue again, and this is the crazy nothing temple. And he basically shows up to tell Ricky Lake, he's like, hi, I'm here to dump my emotional baggage on you because that's literally all my character does in this movie is find women with substantially more responsibility than myself and then act them to be my emotional mommy and Ricky's like, oh, yeah, I'll be your emotional mommy done. Yes, but she also just her whole tone for the movie is don't forget, I'm a cool rabbi with a wink and a knock. So we cut back on Laya and she's unhappy and her mom's like, okay, Laya, if you're going I'm a cool rabbi. We're the winking enough. Yeah. So we cut back on Leia and she's unhappy and her mom's like, okay, Leia, if you're going

Starting point is 01:44:10 to fucking moep around for the rest of your life, go back to the almost goiam. Just like go back to him. No questions about what happened. She's just like, yeah, no, it's obvious you want to be with him. So get out of here. She also gives the weirdest advice ever. She says problems don't leave, Leia. People do. That was insane. What is that? What? First of all, it, no, no. That was infuriating.

Starting point is 01:44:34 Also, sometimes those two things are the same thing, right? Like, if you've got an abusive husband, the problem of him and him can leave at the same time. Or you can work out problems and then they go away, but the people say, I don't add you, fucking hate her. This is also where mom reinforces that she never argues with God. I wanted her to be like, I never argue with God. That's how I got this cut over my eyes.

Starting point is 01:44:58 It's my fault I made him mad. I also, and at this point, like I should be really mad at hot doctor because he was shitty and she left and he wanted to get, like I should be so mad, but he's so hot that I forgive him. Well, good thing because so does Leia. She gets out of the building and again, this is how stupidly written this movie is. She walks out of the building to get in an taxi to go back to him in DC and

Starting point is 01:45:25 he pulls up in a car because he went to her in Brooklyn and they have a moment of like a, oh, were you doing that run romantic and the movie thing? Yeah. I was doing the run romantic. Yeah. Cool. We could have texted and then just one of it. Now we have two vehicles.

Starting point is 01:45:44 Great. Now we added five hours to this movie too where they both did it but not with perfect timing Then they got to go back again. All right, you stay we've done this three times now you stay I'm going Oh, I thought you said I stay okay Oh I'm on the first my left Yeah, but they they make up and he declares that I feel like you're a gift from my dead brother. That is the last romantic line of the protagonist in this movie. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:15 The dead brother did this on purpose, a lesson. He got married to an 18 year old, had sex with that, basically child for a while, as a long gone to eventually redeem his brother because of a technicality in the Bible. Yes. Yep. That's the positive lesson of this movie. Game plan. Not just the positive lesson, but the last spoken lines.

Starting point is 01:46:41 Amazing. Jesus. So yeah, we cut over to Ben's grave and my mind for a second, Jake had died and we were gonna have a third little brother set up a sequel. Just like a teenager's got really ripped abs and just lay as just like they keep getting better face to camera.

Starting point is 01:46:59 Dintin' li-dintin' Dintin' li-dintin' but no, they both put their little magic necklace, amulet thingies on his grave and then go to raw dog each other forever more. That's the happiest eventings. You think they were setting up like a sequel? Oh God, I hope so.

Starting point is 01:47:18 Can I come back to the next one? Ooh, loving spent. You can come back for the sequel, love spending time with Leia All right, they ended like inception with a spinning dreidel All right, so correct me if I'm wrong, but is the moral of this movie Literally any marriage is better than one to an orthodox Jew Yes Literally any marriage is better than one to an orthodox Jew. Yes. Yes.

Starting point is 01:47:48 All right, great. Rachel, thanks so much for joining us. I know it's the second most painful process this podcast has ever put you through. Yes, right. Thank you. It's been a lot of fun. No, it's great. It's great.

Starting point is 01:48:02 And while that does it for our review of Loving Laya, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still aren't allowed to retire. So he tell us, what's on deck? Badge of faith. Is that correct? It's about a police and religion. Blue lives matter to God.

Starting point is 01:48:22 There you go. So with that to look forward to, and I do mean look forward to, we'll bring episode 227 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Rachel for suffering alongside us today and an even huge of thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you'd like to help count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn

Starting point is 01:48:45 early access to an ad-free version of every single episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, citation needed, and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God OffalMovies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Pito Law Offices of T. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts, Son Mars, all

Starting point is 01:49:21 other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was to use the word permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Rachel Goldberg. I'm Eli Bosnay, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. It turned out that Rabbi Benjamin actually faked his death, and then a bunch of rabbis had to argue about the technicalities of those new rules that they had to make. Ricky Lake is making an amazing sequel about it.

Starting point is 01:49:52 Bigots went on to still somehow believe those dudes are running the world. Leah went on to be a dorkly kidnap. When her family found out she wasn't covering her head anymore. This was someone. Go ahead. You're good. No, go ahead. No, you got the in between Zencaster tracks for this. Please tell me you guys all started recording right then and the first thing we hear is them whispering. I the first thing that Morgan hears is hit them whispering.

Starting point is 01:50:40 I hate you to each other. I'm upset because I got distracted, and I wish I had just gone, I love you. I can just hear Heath crawling up inside his own asshole, and it's a delightful sound. I can't be on the episode anymore, I got shot. Pip. Pip. Pip.

Starting point is 01:51:01 Well, I'm off to the hospital, pitiful. Pip. Pip. I'm off to the hospital, Patipal. Someone stabbed me in the leg with his letter over there on my desk. All the way to the bone. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved. production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.

God Awful Movies - 228: Loving Leah

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