God Awful Movies - 229: Gam229 Badge of Faith

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

This week, Ian Harris joins us for an atheist review of "Badge of Faith", the inspiring story of a man overcoming paralysis using nothing but science, medicine, and technology... and then thanking god for it. --- Come see God Awful Movies live in LA! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-la-tickets-86927786349 --- Check out Ian's stand up here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5GLNlAbEmKiabY_6qHazgw --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He's on the walking simulator machine. Again, like he pointed out, they wouldn't put him on if they actually didn't think he had any chance of walking again. It's just a cruel thing. This is the nurse. Look at what you're missing, motherfucker. That's what you get for dangling around and making me pay. Look at that guy who'll never walk again and drag him across the treadmill. He's not hilarious. Oh look at the hopeful look on his face asshole.

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waiting for the day that somebody rushes me and I get to choke them out on stage. We can make this happen. And I'll rush you. You can choke me out. I'll shit myself. I shit myself at a moment's notice and we can go viral together. It's hilarious because I've talked about this so many times that if it ever does happen, people are going to be like stooogged. So my, so my, my mom is well just stagic because I can't say it staged anyway, but I mean, we have with the material I do, I'm surprised somebody's rushed me yet. Yeah.

So you just haven't tried harder. All right. Exactly. So tell us Ian, what will we be breaking down today? Yes, the epic film that I'm sure everyone's heard of Badge of Faith, which by the way, I watched it with my daughter. It's a film about a true story apparently,

except for probably all the god shit. It's a true story about a cop who gets paralyzed and eventually partially recoverers. I don't know. That's it. Yeah, that's it. Including the I don't know is a great summer. It was my daughter was like, this is the worst movie I've ever seen.

I'm like, I know. How did you make me watch this? I'm like, you didn't have to sit here. Yeah, we get that question a lot, actually. That's our company motto. Why do you make me watch? I'm in here. Yes. How do I get my hour and a half back? Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was, it was particularly interesting, but my, my daughter also made another observation. She goes, how come every time these movies, they always have Southern accents?

Yeah, yeah, it's interesting how these kind of things only happen in the least educated states. We heard it. All right, so Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the miraculous healing powers of Christ of Nazareth, but you don't want to like bother him. You will love this movie.

This is the we're going to put this healing up on the fridge. Yes, we are. Of movies. Yes, like it's like God came in and he's like Jesus you haven't healed anybody in a long day. So fine Fuck it boom that guy can kind of walk now. I'm done The miracle yeah Yeah, the whole time I'm thinking to myself dear Jesus, please don't fucking paralyze me Why do we start there? They always bring at the wrong times on these things?

Please do not let this guy kick me in the back of the head and break my spine Why do we start there? They always pray at the wrong times on these things. Yeah. I know, exactly. Please do not let this guy kick me in the back of the head. Yeah. And break my spine. Yeah, the thing is, you got to be damn specific in your prayers. That's the problem. You have to think of all the contingencies.

He's like, fuck, I asked not to be kicked in the nuts. Oh. Yeah. Hey, Jesus, I don't know if you would mind like just taking a moment away from helping the Patriots win the Super Bowl Yeah, and Not let this guy kick me in the head That would be great

All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at for example stuff like Best worst gunshot noises both real and Right like there's a moment in this movie where they're supposed to be supposed to hear a gunshot noises, both real and imagined. Right? Like there's a moment in this movie where they're supposed to be supposed to hear a gunshot, but it's obviously not a gunshot and it's so obvious like that you can tell what it is. And then later, there actually is a gunshot and it's like a fucking 40 millimeter navel gun going off next to us. But not also like, it's clear that they were looking up gun sound effects and they were like 99 cents. There's got to be something. Well, you know, 99 cents is actually what they paid their sound recordist. I swear, when I, it's got to be

the nominee, I would give it, it would be the best use of a tin can audio recording. Okay. That was, I'm like, are they using the camcorder microphone for the audio on this? Yeah. Are they, are they really, is it, is it two tin cans on a string connected to the camera? Because Jesus should have more money than this.

I mean, and it's interesting that he can't miraculously scrunch up a budget for these guys at some point. Yeah. Yeah, pray for a professional sound recording, the engineer, the one to me that was the funniest thing ever was his voice of God. That was the worst voice of God. You talking about sweet Jimmy Buffett God. You're kind of messed up right now. Just kind of think positively. This movie is about a man who is paralyzed from the neck down and it somehow managed to

be badly mic'd. They're not even moving. He's sitting in the right. That's the whole point. Yes. I love how they do, they put in the stuff from the doctors that you know that the doctor didn't say like, this is impossible. She said, wait, you, he says, well, I said this to the guy. She goes, you talked. That's impossible. He's not paralyzed from the neck up. Yeah, right.

Like, she goes, this is, I must check. My notes, this is impossible. It's like, I don't think a doctor said that while you're having a conversation with the guy, that it's impossible that he spoke after being kicked in the head. And I just like, it's just, they love to make up up these these wonderful little things that the scientists would have said Yeah, no, there's a lot of use of the word impossible from the doctors. Yeah. Yeah. Yes See now I had to do a little research for mine, but I'm gonna go with best worst working title. Oh, they had a worst title Oh, the working title for this film was kicked by grace.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a Facebook page and at some point someone obviously told this guy and they were like, so, we, I don't think we've actually told you the title yet. We were thinking of naming it the thing that happened to you by grace. What are you, no? All right, we'll call it Badger Faith. Badger Faith. Yeah, I know. That's a make a new Facebook page. But you have to admit though that that, that would have been a much better country title song

Because that sounds like you know kick by grace and stalled by Jesus for you know, whatever like that That sounds like you know somebody could have a trace atkins or somebody I don't know somebody could have Recorded that and yeah, they could have a little line dance that went with it. It makes sense. Yeah Yeah, they could have had a little line dance that went with it. It makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. The line dance. Somebody falls on the ground and you stop them on the edge and you first, and then each

person comes down and stomps them on the head and that's it. Yeah. Good line dance. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, if there's one thing I can say for a movie about a quadriplegic is it's not going anywhere. So we get to take ourselves to break when we come back. We'll dive into all the inaction of badge of faith.

Hello, after Lawrence, I'm Dr. Alvin Theist. Hi, Doc. So tell me the truth. Am I ever going to walk again? Absolutely not. I'm not. No, 100% sure. There's no chance you will ever walk again. I'm a doctor and doctors say stuff like this all the time. Right. Well, I guess we'll just put our trust in the Lord, honey. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. What? Trust in the Lord. You see, God is a myth created by ancient peoples to explain away the things that scared them. I'm a doctor and we tell people this all the time. You do, that's true. Oh for sure, we just run around telling everyone they

won't get better and God is fake. Anyway, enjoy that bed. You'll be in it forever. Okay, well thanks, Doc. Nothing happens when you die. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off with a lots of synopsis written on fucking screen. Bold choice. I love how they place this paralysis in relationship to Mother's Day. Okay, yeah. I have three notes on this opening sentence, right? It goes on the day before mother's day. That's the opening we never any reason for us to know what day this happened. It says

Officer Brian Lawrence was kicked in the face and paralyzed from the neck down There ever was a show me don't tell me moment guys and then it closes with this amazing line it changed his life uh... show me the guy who's life that would not change i mean he then write i hate to okay i don't know ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha screen right up proposal of the movie exists is because they didn't trust their audience to take the five minutes of setup that this movie is going to do before they kick him in the neck.

Oh, yeah, sad to draw in the Christian movie audience with a cop being treated like Lucy's football just to make sure they'd stick around. I got I got to say Eli, this is how bad you are at sports references. Anybody else's football would have worked there. Oh, that's right. Right, like, pulling it away. Yeah, yeah. No, this movie definitely had a, don't worry guys. Something interesting will eventually happen kind of in opening.

Yeah, I wonder if they're, you know, the entire thing was, we know it's going to suck for most of this movie. So hang on because of the end, you'll be inspired by what we already told you just happened. Like that. I think that's that was the. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, what's amazing is that some idiot filmmaker read, you know, the entry on foreshadowing

in that blog article about how to make a movie. He's like foreshadowing right. Got it. Got it. Tell him what's going to happen.owing right, got it. Got it. Tell him what's gonna happen. Double the showers. Words.

What? Yeah. Also, I mean, let's be honest, in hindsight, it seems odd that they put that, but after you watch the movie, and obviously what we'll get there, when the movie's over, the opening line is actually more inspirational

than what really happened in the movie. I mean, we're talking a dramatized version of actual events, which we know they always add extra stuff in. And it still was like, oh, okay. Literally those opening lines were more inspiring. Yeah. Yeah, no, right. The elevator for pitch for this movie was far more dramatic. Yeah. All right. So then we back up to three months earlier and man shit, are they gonna get their money's worth out of that goddamn drone? Oh, but there's so. Right.

They're so bad at that drone. I wrote in the minute of shot note. I got a drone for Christmas. I'm not great at flying it, but I'm trying my best and that's all that matter It's not the worst drone shot. We all have in this movie because there's truly an abysmal drone shot Near the yes. Yes, you're talking about the crowd Yes, I'm at the end. It's amazing, but it's you can literally see the drone like dropping in the guy being like Fuck I gotta hold my thumb on the

see the drone like dropping in the guy being like, fuck, I got to hold my thumb on the whole. The shadow of the drone on everyone's faces as it goes. Right. The moment I love the most, so they had this, what they thought was a really cool idea of having the drone turn along with the car on this 90 degree turn. But in order to make this happen, they have to turn the car at like one mile an hour or so. Super awkward slow drive.

So the trunk can keep up. Yeah, I think I'd say so funny because like I say to my watch this is my daughter and she said something like, do Christians just drive really slow? It was something like that. She goes, why are they driving so slow? Like I, I don't know. All right. So now the movie is going to pump fake something

happening, right? It'll do this several times. So what we have is we have two cops showing up in an unmarked vehicle. They get out of the car and there's this huge gang of bikers. And the cop, the, the guy cop walks up to the bikers and says, do you guys have the money? Is he crooked? He's a crooked cop, isn't he? Yeah, right, right. Like they subvert and the guy hands him a big bag of cash and stuff. He goes, there's almost $5,000. But then it turns out that those were Christian bikers that were riding for charity. And he's just given them the charity money. See?

You know how, you know how I, how I, how I wasn't fooled though, because they were white. That's true. This movie has a very specific type for criminals that it does. Yeah, sure. I think she's sure. The what? Do as soon as I saw I go, I go, these are the good bikers. Because they're white. We want toers. Yeah, because they're white. We want to think they're bad because they're bikers, but because they've got the lord, they're good white Christian bikers.

Oh, and I'm sorry, but like a charity or not, if there's a situation where some dudes just handing a cop $5,000 in cash, let's figure out a different fucking system. Right? He's not up to go fund me. Yeah. This movie is so racist in the way it portrays criminals later in the film when there's a black physical therapist, I was like, that guy's going to steal his wheelchair. I know this movie has taught me right.

And I got to say like, yeah, I know that that's supposed to be a twist, but how awesome a movie would this be if he was just a super positive crooked cop who was like, let me get a high five. All right. Enjoy selling that math you guys. Don't sell near any schools, am I right? I'm just kidding. You sell the kids all you want.

Get them young, am I right? I don't know. It would have been better though, if he was crooked, but he was on the take for Jesus. So it was like, yeah, you're selling that math. He's given 10% of that 5,000 to church. Try it. Some of the 10% goes to church. The rest goes for toys for tots.

Get back out on the street with your heroin. All right. So he goes back to the station and we have to show that all the other cops are giving him shit for like not quite being a real cop. I they never really hash this out, but he's not really a cop. He's the guy who goes to all the schools and does the dare presentations. Okay.

So I have so many questions. First of all, the legal uniform, they appear to be giving him a hard time for not having a cop car, but I don't think that's something within his control. Right? Like he would, they did a blind pick of cop cars the first day. Well, so it's like, have you ever seen Avatar?

They have to climb up the mountain and the car chooses them. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, when they're making fun of him, this actor tries to use air quotes around the words of real police officer. And it goes, I thought this was how he's going to end up paralyzed for a second. He's like, police doing little bunny Fufu. He's got a third hand sprouting out of his chest at one moment

Practically scratches out someone's eyes like the forbidden fist These were air quotes as bad as they can be and also I mean the whole thing with the cop car and You know them giving him crap about, like he said, he has this other car. But it's like, I feel like that's one of those things where in these bad Christian movies, they feel that they have to keep true to the story. And it's like one of those inside jokes

and they're like, yes. Well, no, it really happened. You see, for some reason, he had this, they couldn't explain it, but in reality, his car crash, so he had to use his Toyota Camry for a couple of weeks, and everyone gave him crap,

and it was the funniest thing I ever went to game and crap for users, Toyota Camry, we gotta put that in the movie, because that really happened, but we know it's time to set it up. So let's just have people give him shit about the car. It'll be really great, and it'll be what really happened,

because we can't lie about it. And yeah, it'll add realism. Well, they do that again when like the, with the roommate that shows up and he's like, Oh, I know this guy and it's like, there's no reason for you to know that guy though. He will. He will know that guy. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of that in there actually. Yeah. So, okay. So they're giving him shit and then a call comes in and then somebody's going to need to drive their car super fast to catch This bad guy. Oh, who's got the best car? But the guy he's just driving with driving clubs. He hasn't committed a crime

He's way speeding they're all chasing the speeder and you know why because driving super fast is dangerous the speeder and you know why because driving super fast is dangerous. And all the one guy does is just take a different route and cut him off. Yeah. And the guy just stops and gets out. He's like, you got me. Yeah, right. Because he gets pulled off by a not cop car. He seems at most miffed by his arrest.

Yeah. He's like, whoa, Donny Osmond just drank a little bit too much coffee today and he went on a drive. Well, and apparently somebody told this filmmaker that the thing that makes car chases interesting in movies is that there are cars in them. That's really it. Right. It's just we just over and over again.

We cut to another shot of a car by itself on a road. And we go like, yeah, he's probably going pretty quickly. I can't tell there's not really any reference, but sure, he's gone fast. Well, they they couldn't actually wreck the car because that was the car that got the cameras to the two and from the set. And it was actually the executive producers 87 Toyota Camry. But the key here is that main character cop, I don't know if he ever gets a fucking name, but they'll call him preach several times because apparently he's an annoying preachy guy. Is that what they were calling him?

I was like, that can't be, that can't be real. That's just two on the nose. Preach? Preach. Yeah. So kind of ruins the whole like, it wasn't until I was paralyzed that I accepted Jesus, if everyone was calling you preached before you were paralyzed. Yeah.

Also terrifying that you were a cop and people were like, hmm, what should this police officer's nickname be? How about religious authority figure? Yes. Because the other nickname, harassed black guys was already taken. Yeah. That's. Speaking of which, now he gets the bad guy and then he heads off to teach a dare class. Right.

Okay. I have a question about what he is teaching this dare class in front of. The entire time he gives his little lecture and he's is like I used to be dyslexic in the entire time he is projected onto the wall behind him. There hello dyslexia. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Okay, Noah, it's an anagram. Anagram this shit. So no, I tried. I did try. I couldn't do much with it. I got a Yodler's helix lad or hold a leader sexily. That's the one. That's the one we know what he was going for. That's all I could get from that. I have no fucking clue. Well, the only the only thing I could think of is I was like, at some

point I was going to just just harken back to the really old tire joke. I was like, well, maybe when you got kicked in the head, it was dog talking to you. That would explain the voice. It was a cartoon dog asked voice. I know you're right. I just like, listen, preach. You need to get up. Oh, squirrel. You need to get up because I love you. All right. But he's telling all these kids at the dare class that when he was a kid they thought he was too dumb to be a cop But darn it if his mom didn't believe in him By the way, his mom won't be a character in this film We've already talked about mother's day and now he has a whole speech about the only person who believed him as his mom

Again for that like no, no, but my mom was the only person that believed in me reason that he and his identified because that's what really happened And again in this movie's defense, literally nothing is going to happen of any importance. So I would have finished this film and been like, what about a six minute speech about your dyslexia? Do you want to put that in the movie? So did I say sweet, sweet 92 minute mark? Well, it would have been great of God. That would actually would have been great if God that was that actually would have been great as at

the very end. I can't walk, but I can read like a mother. God, you're right. He cares the dislikes. Yeah. All right. So while we're in the dare class, by the way, we're going to meet one of our main characters. It's a little African American kid named Washington, right?

He is not going to get that name until way later in the movie. I'm going to give it to you now. So yes, Washington and preach. They were going for names and that's what they landed on. It seems like every black guy's always going to be named Washington. And he's like, bad, I'm not racist. There's a black guy who's not a criminal and there's one black kid who's not a criminal in this movie. So therefore, it's not a criminal and there's one black kid who's not a criminal in this movie

So therefore it's not a racist movie, but the name is always Washington I don't know it's like they watch some 70s sitcom and like now every black guy's named Washington Well, it's look it's always an ex-president's last name if it's a good guy or then it's something like you know X money or something like When it's when it's a bad guy right like? Well, yeah, I was going to say after watching these movies for 229 episodes, I'm just grateful the kid got more than one letter because more often than not, it's T W. So Washington is walking home from school that day when all of a sudden all the bully kids show up to throw crab apples at. Right.

Which by the way, I didn't know that they were throwing rocks. What a horrible. It took me till later to realize they were throwing crab apples. I was like, they were throwing tennis balls. Like, what are we throwing tennis balls? And I think actually they probably really were throwing tennis balls. Because they, you know, like for, because no one will notice that they're actually tennis balls. I bet you're right because they

weren't throwing crab apples at this kid probably. You're right. That's probably what they did. Like, no, I've seen it in American gladiators. It's the safe. All right. So they're throwing crab apples at this kid. And then this is when Bucking Officer mall cop shows up to save him to run the bullies off. How badly did you guys want him to get out of the car and shoot Washington for having a trash can that he thought was a gun. Sorry, sorry, I thought it was one of those big new round guns, the silver, bright silver, round gun. So yeah, and the way this fucking scene ends is terrifying, right? Because the cops

says, yeah, it looks like you were getting your butt kicked. Let me teach you what to do. And then it shows him sharpening a goddamn stick. And then the scene ends. Yes. Well, dude, I wrote it down like what the fuck and then then I then you then that reveals later, but it's like, I was like, what stab them? then that reveals later, but it's like I was like what stab them Yeah, yeah, he's like he's teaching those kids to make fucking Rambo traps There is absolutely no doubt that unless you know about crab apple whips Which three people know about on the planet? Then he's like yes, so just fucking you know next time they throw a crab apple at you, stab one of them, just stab me with him.

Yes, here's, you could do this with a spoon too. That's the way. Yeah, so which is what he does. He teaches him, you stick the crab apple on the pointed stick and then you fucking wing it at him and he actually calls it a gun, I think, it's a crab apple gun or something like that. But it's like, you know what, you know, how much longer that takes to pick one up, put on a stick like you've already been

Pelted in the head 30 times by crap apples like just pick it up and wing it back It's the oh it's a terrible fucking strategy has to preload them. We'll get to it later We see it in action, but but for now. That's just a training. That's all we got is here Here kid sharpen a stick with your pocket knife that'll get them. And then we cut to this weird ass fucking attempt to introduce like again this is a something's gonna happen pump fake right. So the cops drive in home and when he gets to his house he hears what is very clearly a nail got. Yep. Okay, can I be honest with you? I didn't even know that I thought somebody was putting out garbage cans. Like I wrote down, heard a noise. And I didn't even know it was his house. I'm like, okay,

it was so unclear. I hear a claim claim, he pulls over, he walks up to a door with the doors open and pulls his gun out. Yeah. Which again, this makes me terrified that this is one of those, but it really happens, so we have to put it in the movie scene. Because this is not a fun story. It's like, oh no, let me tell you all this great story. This is a real japan of jingle. You'll get a gigalout of this. So I heard any sudden noise once as I was coming home. And almost shot my son. So I refused back up, of course, best idea. Walk in with my side arm drawn and point it directly at the face of the first person.

I see, can't you wait. I should be on the blue collar comedy tour except I shoot my son. Yeah, what's up? Dude, dude, so did you live alone? Oh, no, I got five kids and a wife. Yeah, right. So, yeah, so there's tons of reason for people to be at my house, especially since we're doing construction.

Yeah, there's so many reasons for me to hear weird noise. Pretty much the last thing I should have suspected was gunshots in my home In the middle of the day watching TV and and and and and I didn't even know it was his home I thought he was I literally thought he was driving down He heard a garbage can clang and he pulled over and pulled and then a door is open to crack Let me go into this random house and shoot somebody like yeah, that's what it looked like and then it was like oh hey son I almost shot you for doing construction random house and shoot somebody. Like, yeah, that's what it looked like. And then it was like, oh, hey, son, I almost shot you for doing construction. Yeah, though, that's exact.

And they never explained that this is his house and that that is his son, right? Like you could, you could be forgiven for thinking at this point, from this point on, that he just made friends with the guy he almost shot. Right? It is so goddamn confusing the way this is presented. But anyway, so we get that. And then we cut to Washington practicing with his improvised crab apple at laddle.

Yes, an absolute hat off. That's exactly what it was. I bet you know what? I've been carrying that goddamn word around. No one eventually I need it for so long. He's like, and next thing we're gonna teach you how to gather ants on a stick and eat them. And this is where his older brother, character, I don't know, an older African-American gentleman comes by and he's like, hey Washington, just real quick, fuck the police. Like serious, like fuck the police. Yeah. uh, just real quick. Fuck the police. Like serious. Like fuck the police. Yeah. Hey, you know, I know that I know that there's no, you don't seem to have parents. You live on the street and you're all apples of people. But uh, hey, if you

ever want to sling dope, what are you doing there, man? You, you practicing with your crab apple at Lattle, that's cool. You want to do crimes instead? Okay. I wanted him so bad to be like, do you want to do crimes? And he's like, yeah, and then we cut to him in a waiting room surrounded by other nine year olds with resumes and suits. I didn't even look to this job up on glass door. I feel like I should have. So Washington, other than your extremely cool stereotypical black name, what are your

qualifications for selling crack in Rhoanoke? Hahaha. We're looking for a self-starter, man. Hahaha. All right, so meanwhile, back at the house that is, so now I can just say, right, back at his house he's having dinner with his son and his son's fiance.

What I wrote originally in my notes is, meanwhile, back at that house he's having dinner with his son and his son's fiance. When I wrote originally in my notes, just meanwhile, back at that house, he is investigating, which is his house question mark. He's having pizza with dot, dot, dot, a young couple of questions. I get it. I don't go into a house with a gun drawn. You're hoping things will turn into a devil's threesome. They don't don't see just he find a convenient time after midnight to leave we've all been there he's got to be in back me up you're in California yes exactly what happens I wrote my nose I'm like what the holy fuck reason could there possibly be to introduce he has a family in such a weird goddamn way.

Well, and again, we're going to introduce this family by her getting a phone call and being like, what's that? My dad, you can't make the wedding. You have a phone that night. It's cool. And then he goes almost exact quote, I don't want to be too pushy, but I am your dad. Okay, so I'll walk you down. Which, the thing is, I mean, I figured out what happened

through the incredible writing and subtext, but you don't really even know what, you got a phone call and then it's like, he hangs up and he's like, I'll walk you down the aisle. Oh, that must've been the dad that called. Like, I was somebody that's really vague as to what the phone call was even about. You're like, oh, okay. Her dad's not going to be there for her wedding for some unknown reason.

So new dad's going to walk her down down the aisle, apparently, which could this be foreshadowing. I will walk with my legs. You down the aisle. I'm very importantly. I will walk with my legs. I'm very importantly. Well, what I love about this too is that she gets the phone call from her dad and everybody, all the rest of the family start reacting way too early to the bad news that she's getting.

Right. Because she's like, Hey, hello, dad and everybody else is like, uh, oh, God, why? Yeah. But yeah, he'll be her substitute dad. He'll walk with his legs down an aisle with her at act three. He promises and I think it's during that Scene or maybe wrote this scene right before I wrote this note down and I just have to say this because it is I always say it as a joke. I didn't know anybody actually said this but at one point when he goes Cheese and crackers.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if it's right here. Cheese and crackers, you're dead. I can't walk you down the aisle or whatever. But I'm like, do he really think cheese and crackers? Yeah. No one actually says cheese and crackers.

Come on. Welcome to the fine, fine world of pureflex. Cheese and rice as well. Yeah. So, okay. So now, little Washington is out shooting hoops one afternoon and the bullies rush in, but this time, he knows how to use it at Lattle. Okay, there's a couple of moments I want to touch on.

The first is one of these child actors actually trips during the chase scene, and it's my favorite thing in the world because the panning shot has to stop and wait for him. Cause it's doing your panning shot and he's like, and then the camera stops and sort of was like, and then the kid gets up and keeps running and it's like, panning, panning, panning, panning. Yes. It's like, we can't do a second tape.

We're burning VHS here Also the backup music to this bullies getting chased scene is Best summer ever right it's like boo boo boo boo boo boo boo as their chasing is child down to beat him the music in this whole thing was So how like the inspirational Christian rock. And then I think it's Christian rap that's meant to sound like gangster rap and like the music in general was just so goofy and it was inappropriate and sad at points. Yeah. And so we get this whole little chasing right where the bullies are chasing them around and I'm thinking to myself like it seems to me that he has a good

Escape plan. There's no reason to escalate the level of violence here But no he eventually gets to his crab apple at laddle defense bunker Right where he's got several of these all ready to go and he starts Chuck in crab apples at these kids and hitting them. And then chases them up. And I'm thinking, yeah, like, like just learning how to throw well would have done the same thing, right? And then you could play baseball. Right.

Jesus. But while he's doing this, the older kid that wanted to do crimes earlier sees him kicking a little ass. So now he's got a little street cred. Don't worry that we'll never matter. Nothing in this movie ever adds up to anything. The only thing I can imagine that makes this part of the movie makes sense is that Washington was in the writers room and was like, y'all are going to talk about that time. I got those bullies with those crab apples, right? And they were like, oh, yeah, definitely Washington, we will spend a significant amount of time on your crap apple fighting this film. Good. What actually happened is they ended up with a 60 minute long movie where they're like,

no one, he can't walk. We need a walking person in this movie as well. We need a sidekick that can walk. Well, the thing is with the gangster guys or whatever, I guess they're supposed to be gangster guys. Like, no redemption, no, they just kind of forget all about those guys. Yep. Yeah, exactly. We never say, yeah, yeah.

But they said that this whole thing, he's going to tell them drugs, then he's proud of him with flinging apples with a stick, and then, and then he's the bad guy, and then all of a sudden, oh, we forget that they're existing. It's just like what, there's such a good opportunity to make up some more Christian nonsense about how they save the gangsters lives, anything. Yeah, yeah, right. Like the guy was redeemed because he saw he was inspired by the cop or whatever. Yeah, there's, and also, by the way, quick note on check-offs fucking crab apple.

It's, we will never use the fact that this kid has like a spot on aim with crab apples. Right? Like just never a point where he's going to have to like kill a squirrel in the woods for them to survive or anything. So yeah. Right. I mean, it would have been great if it's like what that's part of his rehab.

Okay. Stand up here and dodge crab apples. One second, I know just the kid who can train me in this. Did it did it. So and then of course we've been looking at an all black cast now for, I don't know, two minutes. So it must be time for a drive by. Yes, of course.

Not just a drive by a drive by shot gunning. I wanted so badly for him to reach out the window boom. And then the guys on the porch are just like, that's that's bird shot. And that's a very short range weapon. I mean, it's at her. I just wanted to cut to all the people who were in the car going like, man, could you have gotten maybe a handgun? Because I can't. Well, look, the one guy had a handgun. But Let's let one guy. Yeah, the other guy had a shot and and they were driving by and shooting for For reasons unknown. I guess I don't just cuz they're black Yeah, I'm sitting on the porch. Have you not seen boys in the hood?

And and once again, keep in mind there's no reason for this, right? So like Washington is watching this happen, right? He's just off in the corner and he sees all this happen. So now we think maybe there'll be some part of the plot that it has to do with him having witnessed this crime. Nope. Nothing. You think maybe there will be some escalating gang war that comes from this?

Nope. Nothing. There is no reason for this scene. Nope. It will never ever matter to the plot of this film. I was thinking that maybe he was going to crab Apple, the driver, and boom. The flying on. Oh, and that's so much better than this movie.

It did, right? He crab apples, the hand got out of the one dude's hand boom. Yeah. And then and then that's what and and that's what brings Ray rated to Jesus or whatever. Yeah, there you go. Oh, all right. So now late that very same night, preaches out copying and little Washington runs up on him.

He's like, hey, hey, officer, I need your help. You're a police officer and I need you right now. And he's like, oh, you know what, I just got a call. I got to run. Have fun, kid. Bye. Excuse me. Shoes Washington in the face. And isn't this when he had a second job? Is this this is when he he all of a sudden was a

night watchman? Yes. His second job is a white car dealership or something. Which is like, is it I don't I'm still confused now. Is he even a cop? I think I couldn't tell. I thought he was a cop that was investigating something at that parking lot. I don't I have no fucking clue. No, no, he was he was working there. He said something about having to go to his second job, which is hilarious. He was just talking about how blessed he was and how amazing it was that he became a cop. And it's like, well, they don't even give you a car.

You got to eat your mom's corolla and now you got to work a second job watching at a car dealership looking at better cars than you drive or whatever. It's like, it was weird. It was just like, wait, now he's got a second job. I don't get this. And again, no reason for that. He's got a second job as a cop because he's called away to cop stuff. So like, what was that job process like he was again? Well, I'll watch your car, but if there's any crimes, I got to go keep being a cop. I'm a cop 24, seven. That's my rule.

Yes. Yeah. It was like, I can just leave my post here at the junk yard or whatever the hell he was doing. So I can go do cop stuff. It's like, well, then aren't you on duty? Shouldn't you be getting paid for cop stuff? Yeah.

And not for this stuff. Yeah. But he gets a call about a sexual assault or something. And it turns out it's the two, it's the gangster kid that was trying to get Washington to sling dope and his buddy. Right. Again, no reason for that. And preachers, he shows up, they run, he's trying to arrest one of them when the other

one gives him the big paralysis kick in the head. Right. Yeah. Which by the way, they already showed at the beginning of the movie. Yeah, although it was different in the beginning of the movie, at the beginning of the movie, I thought there was a gunshot. There was some sort of flash and the thing went off. And I, and then when they replayed the second time, it was a totally different, he just kicked

him with a face. Like it was very weird. Right. Like again, the movie had tried to trick us into thinking it was more interesting than it really was. Yeah. And this is where we get him flashing back on his life. And this was almost my best worst, best worst life to flash back on.

He flash back on, he flashes back on in order not being able to read, throwing walnuts and then giving his wife a ride in the car. That was it. Yeah, that was his entire life, man. And also, like, by the way, the movie finally catches up with the introductory scene right and Then it does a goddamn flashbacks like we finally caught up and we're going back in time again fuck you this movie almost won me over though if it had just kept flashing back Every time we got to the kick and then the movie it ended

It's pretty good come on now You got me movie. You got me. Yeah, and that's the moment where he's laying there. And he hears the stone to Jesus's voice, to whatever talking to him. And the only thing I was like, man, God has such a fucking annoying voice. Like I thought to myself, do I have to hear you all the time in heaven? In which case, could I just go to hell now? That would be so much better. Yeah, God's cutting in. He's going, breathe.

Keep your eyes on me. And it's just like, well, breathe, he knew. Right. And I'm helping him out there and keep your eyes, you're invisible. So fuck you. So, it's funny because you have breathe. And now I get when, you know, another one of the miracle moments, a little later when the doctors talking to him about how he couldn't breathe, how he said he was able to breathe

or whatever on his own. And she was like, this is impossible. That must have been the foreshadowing. God telling him to breathe. So it was God that allowed him to breathe. So it was God that allowed him to breathe. Oh, God gave him breathing powers. God. Right. And talking powers. Of course. Right. No, we'll learn that in a second, too. Yeah. So. Right. But now it now makes sense, because I didn't realize that that's what God was saying. I couldn't quite understand God. I just heard him saying something. I thought he was saying, look at my knees. I thought he was saying, look at my knees. He's like, I don't even know.

So. All right. So now little Washington catches up with him. Right. He's laying on the ground paralyzed, little Washington catches up with him. And I don't maybe calls it in. Maybe doesn't. We don't know.

But eventually cops show up. And I say maybe no because the because one of the cops walks up and she's like, Hey, little kid, the fuck you doing here? Did, right? Did you kick him in the face? Do you want a snitch? Huh? Do you like snitching?

Well, the other thing is, I don't know if he knows, but I don't know if it was bad acting or if there was supposed to be some sort of background noise that they forgot to put in in post-production, but she was yelling the whole time. Yeah. What is she yelling at? Well, because yeah, they've got the helicopter taking off in the background or whatever,

and that's clearly what she's supposed to be reacting to, but it's not loud. So she talked to somebody who's wearing head like this. Black children don't understand things. That's all I can think of is like, another racist moment in there where it's like, I have to over-enunciate and yell at you. All right, so now we're at the hospital. They're hard at work, try to fix preach.

And this is where we get the first doctor that just, you know, unilaterally declared something miraculous. Yeah. Yeah, the ER guy says, yeah, he told us that a guy kicked him in the head and then the side and she says, wait, he told you that and they're like, yep. And she's like, it's an impossible miracle from Jesus. Science must be wrong.

Right. How is, how did you know it's impossible? Because he's stupid and dyslexic. No. She slowly takes off her stethoscope, throws into the open flame that is for some reason behind her, walks off into the middle distance. Which is weird because I don't remember, he's first off, it's the next day or whatever, week later, a day later, I don't know, it's not long like, you're talking to him now.

Yeah. So you're asking him questions. He's completely lucid. He's talking. He's fine. And she's like, wait, you talk to him? Yeah, that's impossible. Well, why would that be impossible? Are you saying that because the paralysis would make your voice, you're not

able to talk? Well, then why are you asking me questions? Right. And could it possibly be that maybe you slightly, misdiagnosed, maybe you thought it was worse than it was, maybe my spinal cord wasn't completely severed. Right. You know, I mean, like, that's your first thing is like,

impossible that you spoke while you're speaking to me now the next day. Yeah, no, yeah, exactly, exactly. And like I said, just this desperate effort to like carve out a little tiny bit of space for Jesus in this movie about science fixing a paralyzed guy. Right. And then she says also about the same, the same scene, he says something about she goes,

where's your respirator? And he goes, I never had one. She goes, none of this makes sense. Just what you want your doctor saying. Yeah. I'm sorry. I have you want your doctor saying. Yeah. I'm sorry. I have no fucking idea what's going on. I'm a doctor.

I'm pretty sure they're taught not to say that. Regardless of the situation. I'm fucking fooled. I'm stumped. No idea. All right, I'm your doctor. Goodbye. But it speaks to the idea of these like, you know, when you talk to like a Christian or

religious opal just type person, it always has to be absolute. Yep. That's what you get. When you say, well, I'm not exactly sure. Oh, well, then if you don't know, then it must be Jesus. And it's one of those things where it's like science was wrong. No, science isn't wrong. A scientist may have misdiagnosed or maybe we didn't know all the information and then we got more information and we based on what

we knew at the time. But it's like this idea that if they diagnosed him not to be able to breathe and then he can breathe, well, then then science is we've got to throw it all out the window. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. I don't know when you don't know, therefore I know, and it's Jesus. Exactly. That's the formulation of every goddamn Christian arc. It's why every time there's a doctor in one of these movies, and the person can walk or the person survives a little boy breathes, a little girl cures her cancer or whatever, the doctor always has to look at his hands and be like, perhaps the Lord is real. Cause in real life, doctors are like, hey, that was unexpected.

I'm so happy for you, cause I'm on your side, and my worldview was not dependent on you, not walking again. Ha ha ha ha ha. All right, so this family shows up, jokes about polonist blog a little bit. A little too soon, too soon, in my opinion. Yeah.

I think so. I think so. So then we, we watched the filmmaker slowly realize that there's not much to do with the paralyzed guy for the next 45 minutes, right? The rest of this movie will be the people who made this movie being like, come on, there's got to be something people who are paralyzed do stop saying he's paralyzed. The daughter of law law, she's like, right now, who will walk me down the fucking aisle. God damn it.

Yeah, and every, I kept, and throughout the whole movie, every time there was, I would think, I kept saying to myself, man, their bar for what's a miracle is so much lower than mine. Like throughout the entire movie, it's like only a miracle will get you to move your fingers someday. Well, maybe not. Only one third of a miracle. Yeah. And I love, okay, so there's a really fun way to watch this scene. If you imagine that the wife and the daughter-in-law to be know that he's paralyzed and they're trying to find an end to explain that to him, this scene is goddamn hilarious, right? Oh, that is true.

Yeah. Because every time they start to talk, he's like, don't worry, I'll be fine. And then they'll start trying to talk again. He's like, I'm going to walk you down the aisle. I'll be back to work in six weeks, but they don't know yet. So he talks about so much walking in this scene. It's like a comedy sketch. It is.

This is like, and you know what? I've been meaning to say this, we should walk more. I have a walking trail by my house that I'm going to use every single day. And from now on, I will use my legs. Now, what were you gonna say? Yeah, right. You know when I was younger, people used to tell me how nice my legs were.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What I can't wait to do is go off and do some paddle boating. So sometime later, he's meeting with his doctor and he's like, you know, doctor, I'm gonna walk and she's like,

look, it's a miracle you're even alive. And okay, he got kicked in the head. Right. It's not a miracle when you survive. Like I, I can say for certain, at least one third of the people on this call got kicked in the head and didn't die or lose their ability to walk. Very true. Very true.

What? And it's the same thing, here's the thing that, I mean, if you know anything about anything, about paraplegics, quadrothelagics, how paralysis works, the fact is that I keep harkening back to about the first time, which you said you shouldn't be able to talk,

and then she says you shouldn't be able to breathe. And then it's like you're not gonna be, you walk, what you shouldn't be alive. Well, the fact is that if you're like Christopher Reeves, Christopher, that people like, if you're so paralyzed that you at the right spot with the full sever of the spinal cord and this sort of stuff, that you almost die or you could have died, it kills some people, but you'll usually lose function of your of your involuntary muscles as well, right? Sometimes you have to be at a respirator. There's things like because of, and obviously that didn't happen to him.

Right, he's breathing. Yeah, so we know that he's more paralyzed from the chest down, or that he's not, that it wasn't a full sever of the spinal cord. So we know that it's not maybe his baddishia originally thought it was going to be. They probably would have rediagnosed him and said,

oh, okay, and they wouldn't put him through fucking rehab. Right. Right. If they didn't think there was any chance you said, we're gonna walk. Right. I mean, did you ever see Christopher Reeve with them pushing his legs and trying to get his legs to work? No, because of the severity of the spinal injury. But of course, he's like, well, you know, it's God and God's going to make me be able to walk. And she goes like, I scoff at your silly God. I science for I am a doctor and we know all there is to know. Yes.

Which is what happens, but that's exactly what happens. And they always probably three or four times in here, they say something about, down and a-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- that immediately the wife is like, I'd like a second opinion, which is not how that works by the way. It's not like another doctor comes in and goes like, all right, maybe you'll walk again. Third opinion, you'll walk a fourth opinion. You're walking right now. You're in an America. Well, today it is.

Could I keep getting an opinion till I get one that I like? Yes, right. When she said that, I wanted the doctor to be like, oh, okay, here's your second opinion. You're a hick who doesn't know what a second opinion is and it hits you harder than your husband statistically does. I'm just saying.

So good. For the old joke, your husband will never walk again. I'd like a second opinion. He's fucking ugly too. Yeah, right. Right. Right. Yeah, no, but she was a second opinion from a Christian doctor.

Exactly. Exactly. Yes. All right. Well, once again, these silly Christian movie doctors are dismissing the power of God. So well, they think on what they done. We're going to pause for a quick break. We'll be back soon with even more of this dumb shit. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Wow, Officer Lawrence. Thank you so much for being here. We got to tell you, Officer Lawrence, thank so much for being here. We gotta tell you, Officer, your story is so inspiring. I mean, Doctor said you'd never move below your neck again.

And now you can walk. Right, yeah. I mean, are you able to like... look up what my doctors told me or... No, because of patient confidentiality we can't why oh no reason no reason Yeah, the doctors totally told me I would never move again 100% what they said those bastards Yeah, and then you know after physical therapy which they provided and of course all the various surgeries and all of the Machinery that science has created I

Could move provided and of course all the various surgeries and all of the machinery that scientists created I could move. But there was a nurse that was a total bitch. Those those bastards that sounds bad. Anyway, so I was thinking like 99% of the movie could be like me, Lion andin' sad for myself. What do you have, thing? Uh, can we give you a pointless, Black child friend? You sure can? Deal. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna open on a quick, uh,

being paralyzed montage. You know that can't last long. And again, this movie is so phenomenal because it's just, by the end of it, it's scrambling for things to show that it hasn't shown. Yeah. But that, you know, we get like all the cops come into visit him. I love that the cop that was giving him shit for his car earlier is now giving him shit for his paralysis. Come on, dude. Find a different gear. This a rousing thing doesn't really work when I say, hey, look, we'll never please their wife again.

I'm getting better in air. I don't know if you noticed. I wonder if they're going to give you a real wheelchair. He's like, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, it isn't this is also the point where that we're Washington shows up. And again, I wanted to like, strangle the TV. What's he, what's he 10? Now, eight, I don't know how old Washington is,

but I love how young black kid couldn't possibly understand the word operation. Oh my fucking guy, he would have played the fucking game. He goes, they said that you had a op or H on? Yeah. Like, he had no idea what, and then apparently there's something called a docketour. Yeah. So, and to help you out, like, and that your legs

is still work, like, I mean, what is this? Like, it was so ridiculous. And that your legs is still work like I mean, what is the It was so ridiculous Well, and the best part is they do that lazy like look at this kid trick, right? But just once and never revisit it So the world of this movie the only word that Washington doesn't understand because he will later say paralysis The only word that this child doesn't understand. It's operation. Right. Well, and fucking preaches response to this is so goddamn weird. The kids says, you know, I'm the one that came across. I was really worried about you because I thought you

might die. And then he goes, no, actually dying would have been better because then I would have been with Jesus. To which, by the way, to Washington's credit, Washington's like, hey, could you not talk about Jesus for a little back on the Jesus? You know, yeah. I'm nine and you're a little much. I just want you to know. You're a little much.

Yeah, that's the point where he actually says, because Jesus is the most important thing. It's like, what about food and water that would be Or walking Should I go back to make not understanding basic words? I wrote my nose he goes why do you always talk about Jesus? I wrote because this movie isn't good enough to get produced without Christianity on the cover. And then as if to undercut their own fucking point, he says to all of us to the look and he's like, well, you know what, they're going to send me to a different hospital.

I'm like, oh, they're not going to send you into a church. Weird. Weird. Given your, yeah. So they transformed a Bethesda via private plane. Again, this is one of those, it really happened this way. So we have to make it happen that way in the movie, even though we can't afford a private jet, even long enough for him to get on or off of it on a tarmac.

I just taken video of United planes and blur it out of the United. There it is. His private plane that he got to ride on. Yeah, this, it was in this, is this, I'm trying to remember if this is right before or after might know with it, somebody's crying and he's cracking bad jokes. Whoa, gonna cause a flash flood here. Yes. Yeah. I was going like, okay, here's the Noah's arcs, reference, but the, but then it was this was, where was the force?

I think it was, I remember them saying something about Which it was you're trying to get him into the plane or whatever and he's saying you're not gonna be able to lift your husband He's dead weight Yeah, yeah, I with our talk about getting the van later He's the old man inside that there was in the airplane. I put that in the day This is the same scene with them with the white out, but all part of this with the wife with the, the, the, the, the time to get a moving and it's like, they have no coos with this guy's barrel.

He's dead weight. He's a, and dropped his school now. He's an idiot. Give her a, just blink twice if you want me to kill your husband with my back hand. This is for you. All right. So, yeah, we get to watch some sit and traffic

and go for a little while. And then they check into this very nice hospital. And then we cut to me, like, okay, so it's that night or whatever. He's at the rehab place and he's urging his wife to pray for the dude that kicked him in the head. Oh, what's happened? And she's like, no, I want him to be handicapped.

I'm a Christian. And here's the thing. I get this scene if it's setting up a moment of forgiveness between them, right? Like they catch the kid and he says, I want you to know you're forgiven and the wife forgives them too. He will never pay off. No, they just decided to have a scene where the wife monologues and I like, I hope his asshole turns the inside out and gets eaten by a bear. Put it in the movie. And it's all set up earlier. They could have had the Washington

kid reach out to Ray Ray or whatever the gangster's name was, X-ray or whatever. And then the Appalachia, the little gets him to come and while this kid's got something and he visits the guy in the hospital and they forgive him, it was so set up for the gangster guy to be redeemed. Yeah. And everyone to forgive. And they completely missed the boat, probably because it didn't happen in real life, or, you know, we don't want to glorify gang bangers.

Something like that, yeah, or because the writers were so fucking stupid that they didn't realize they had set all that up, right? They were just like, I've seen scenes in other movies where people talk about other characters. I don't know why they do it. I'm pretty sure. There. Okay. So wait, there's this great moment that comes right after that. I love this so much. We see him and we got to see him sitting there like hating being paralyzed, but they can't think of a way to do that visually, except to have a ice cold glass of water sitting to his left and a remote control sitting to his right.

But the people that would have put that shit there know he's who the fuck would have done that. Yes, and I've got this Oculus Rift all filled up with VR porn that I'll put just here on the floor out of your reach. You see the nurses taking bets outside. All right, if he goes for the water, Mindy gets 20. If he goes for neither, I get 40 and we split everything if he goes for the book, okay? It was some sort of motivation. There was a sign on it's like, you're thirsty aren't you, cripple?

Why don't you go ahead and drink? If Jesus really loved you, you could drink this water. You could drink this water. So, it would be a wine. Yeah, you can. All right, and then by the way, because I guess the director thought, oh, we really aren't getting the full paralyzed experience.

The fucking sink starts dripping. So the experience that we're having as film viewers is watching a person breathe while we listen to water drip. Is the goddamn movie. Okay. And then he fantasizes about drinking the water for a second. I don't know. Yes, this movie has a doodly do about drinking water. Let's first case you didn't quite hear that.

Yes, here's a fantasy montage where he drinks water. Oh, yeah, it would be one thing if it's like, you know, for a second, you're like, oh, is he willing himself to, and then it's like, no, not that happened. Nope. We were still watching. He's still fucked. Nothing happened. All right.

So then, okay, so then we cut to mom. We have this very brief scene where mom is learning how much it's going to cost to get a band that he's going to be able to get in and out of. And we have another one of those secular assholes who's just like, yeah, your husband is meat. I don't love God. Fuck him. Yeah.

They might have said God good science, bad. Yeah. Right. Right. Oh, and speaking of which, they follow that scene up with the nurse lining up all the pills he has to take. And he's like, all the goddamn pills you want me to look, that's your alive, you asshole. Right.

And importantly, that's pain medication. A lot of this movie will be about how much pain he was in. And also a lot of this movie will be about how much he didn't want to take the medication they gave him. I wonder if there's a connection. He's like, ha ha, you brought to me those on the street. I would have arrested you mostly because you're black. Yeah.

Everybody who deals drugs in this movie. Yeah, right. Yeah, you're not the drug dealing colors. You don't have to worry about it, but still. Yeah. But yeah, that was his joke. But it's like, okay, I'm getting an underlying theme here with these people. Of course, if it was the Christian bikers, they would have been there to bring him stacks

of bibles, but the drug dealer who's just trying to science him into no pain or whatever. Right, it's so hard to make that seem sinister, but boy, don't they drive? All right, so now we get to see where they're showing them how to use his breath-operated wheelchair. And of course, I'm watching this fucking scene thinking, wow, it's really pretty incredible what science can do. That's not what I was supposed to be thinking at all, is it?

Right, it's definitely, it's not. And of course, it's the sea. It's like that scene in Avatar when the dude first links up, you know, he's like, I can run and they're like, but don't run yet. And he just takes off. And they, I guess they feel like they're going for some humor here where the paralyzed guy falls over. Yeah, they will return to the paralyzed guy falling over is humor well several times.

Never not going to be scary and not funny. Right. Yeah, no, yeah, there's a couple times where he falls and breaks his neck again. Right. He's just making his recovery as he's walking her down the aisle and he made he makes the drunk, the drunk driving reference. Yeah. Oh, that pole must have been drunk driving. Yeah. And see, I thought he was just shooting a drive himself off a cliff as he tips over. He's

like pension mother fuckers. Batch. Should have gave me the pills, lady. Oh. All right. So, and as if they don't have enough troubles already, now there's a dude at their house telling the son about how, you know, how much expensive it's gonna be to widen all the doors and add all the ramps that they're gonna need, right?

And is it me or is the movie going for an angle of like, I mean, do people really need that many ramps? Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I don't know what they're going for. What I was getting is, wow, if only the target audience of this goddamn movie would vote better, this wouldn't be left to an individual. Well, only in the American hellscape could you have these stakes, right? Right.

Imagine trying describing this even two or three generations from now where it's like, no, no, no, the movie is about how hard it is for a person with a handicap to live. What do you mean you don't understand? You watch movies from the oil rush. So yeah, and meanwhile, of course, he's back at the hospital like Beatrix Katoing his big toe. I love that all movies, and this isn't just Christian ones. I love that all movies think that like there's a certain amount of strain involved in healing

paralysis. Like that one day you just like really try and then your legs work. Like Superman just didn't try hard enough. That's such an insidious fucking message man, and this movie is so baked with it. Right? Like she, the nurse comes in and he's like, yeah, hey, you know, my legs started moving last night. She's like, yeah, those are involuntary muscle spasms. They can be quite painful. That is not a sign of recovery. Don't get your hopes up. Which like, that's what really happened. But of course in this movie, she's like, yes, because you're paralyzed, crippled, you're

worthless and God hates you. Although it was funny because at one point during during that all that stuff he says uh he goes well I've learned I've got to trust a God a lot more lately and it's like not like he's I mean, dyslexia, two jobs to make ends meet. The only guy who drives an 87 Corolla on the police force. Parallelists. Are they? They were so good just asking real quick, are there any other deities who I might have faith in? I don't know.

Slightly better track records. But it's also, it's also this moment that I think he's laying there that I kind of cracked me up because he's like, you ever feel like giving up? I mean, I've been paralyzed for three weeks now. It's like, he really, their bar for miracles is very low. And his, I mean, not that I, you know, it must not be paralyzed, I'm not saying it,

but it's like, it's like, he's really, all this faith, but he's ready to give up so quickly. Yeah. You know, I've been paralyzed for 45 minutes, and I don't know if I can take it any longer. Yeah, this is the whole, this whole, it's, it's such a, between the, them, discouraging him and him having this indomitable faith that is tested every five minutes when he can't get the drink of water. It's just like it's it's so overplayed This is miracles coming the miracles coming Well, and so yeah, so we we doubled down on that yet again

Where they have that scene where he's with the paralyzed doctor? Right, he's sitting across from this doctor. We don't know that this doctor's in a wheelchair until the end of the scene right so He's sitting across from this doctor explain the doctors trying to explain to doctor's in a wheelchair until the end of the scene, right? So he's sitting across from this doctor, explain the doctor's trying to explain to him his situation and he's going, no, no, no, no, no, God. God. God. And the actual line from the evil doctor is,

and I quote, I don't think God is in the business of fixing what science has proven to be broken. Right. First of all, what? Just from a sentence, construction standpoint, what? And secondly, what?

Just from a logic point, what? But then as the accent of the scene turns out the doctor's in a wheelchair. So the movie wants us to be like, oh, he's so negative because he's Or is it he's in a wheelchair because he's so negative Right, you know what given this movie it's both yeah, right God only helps those who help himself loser. Yeah

Goldbricker. Yeah, but with that it really isn't he's like, hey man, you know, you could still Ricker. Yeah, but with that it really is to see he's like, Hey, man, you know, you could still take your daughter down the aisle in a wheelchair. There's still a lot of dignity in your life. And you can, you know, you're still, you're not half a person. You're still a fool. And he's like, Nope, I'm not because I'm going to walk. And only if I can walk. Am I worth anything? And the guy's like, Okay, all right. Sure. I showed you. I was in the wheelchair before the end of the scene, but bye. I can't walk. Do you understand what you just said about me? I do not.

I do not. I am waiting for a sky wizard. Oh, didn't call you the N word. I've been thinking it. I didn't take a let it slip. Sorry. Sometimes I say it when people sneeze. And sometimes he's like, he's like, no, it's God and the other guy's, no, it's science.

And then it's like, but meanwhile, it like, God is helping me by sending these doctors and the science that I don't believe in. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I just need to keep trusting them, the scientists who God sent me. And then eventually, when I get better, I can credit God. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. That was like the whole plot of the conversation of this movie. Yeah. Right. So, okay. And now this is the point where we have to like he has to meet his, um, his new roommate with whom he will have, I'm going to recover faster than you shit talk for the rest of the film. Right. But it's not, it's not fun shit talk. No. And it never pays off. He just will constantly turn to his friend throughout the movie and be like, you're really stuck in that chair forever, Lister.

Yeah, that's what I did. My only note on that was like, he basically turns and goes, I've got to admit, watching you suffer makes me feel great. That was like the entire thing. It's like, you paralyzed you fucking idiot. So am I, but man, is it, is it fun to watch you struggle? Yeah. So okay, wait, then we check back in with Washington, and this is a pretty pointless fucking

scene, but I want to bring it up for a couple of reasons. So Washington is coming home. He checks the mail. It's all past due notices and everything, but he's got like a letter from his pen pal, the paralyzed cop. The only thing that makes this scene worth bringing up is the mess in his house and how neatly placed every messy item is in this home. And how insane the mess is. There's like a soup bowl filled with socks and they have like an upside down washing machine for a chair.

I'm also there's a picture of Washington and the cop from the dare program at his school framed on the mantle. What the fuck is this kid's relationship with that cop? Very close. Like, oh, that's the man who showed me out of a crap apple at laddles. What? Yeah, that's the man who showed me out of make crap apple at laddles. What? Yeah, you think mom would have questions. He's like, mom, can I put this framed photo

of my dare officer on the mantle? No, you can't. We're suing the Catholic church. Come on, let's go. No, I know how this happens. Yeah, you guys are ignoring the main thing. He doesn't have a family, okay? He doesn't have a family, okay?

He doesn't have parents. He lives by himself. Come on. This is just Washington's apartment. He's a bad at his apartment. He's a young black man. They have no families. Actually, so much of this movie makes way more sense

if we believe that that kid is just retting that house on his own, right? Like to wear the fuck is his mom later when the kid goes to Bethesda's chance? Oh, yes. Exactly. And that's why the guys are, look, I know you got a lot of rent to pay at nine.

If you want to start slinging dope, it would be a lot more money than you will in making those crab apple slingers. Yeah, it's, I'm like, the kid has no, there's never a reference to his family. We don't see his mom. We don't. Nope.

All right. And so now we get this amazing scene and amazing not for the reasons that they anticipated it would be amazing. The scene where him and his roommate are gonna fuck with the nurse by making a puppet of him. We still get me wrong. I like that in principle, right? nurse by making a puppet of him. What's going to be wrong? I like, I like that in principle, right?

Like I love the idea of there being a scene where he's having fun with being paralyzed and everything, but they fucking up so goddamn bad. It becomes such a dark horror because he's just barely hanging off this weird rope with a rubber band around his wrist. And the nurse is just like, Oh, well, you're not walking. And he's like, I am not walking. No. Were you trying to hang yourself? No, no, no. Well, and they can't think of anything to do with this. So they just have the nurse faint. And then the other nurse walking and go, Oh, she fainted.

Yeah. I guess. And that's what I want from that's what I want from my nurses. I want my medical professionals to be so easily fooled by, by ridiculous gags that they faint. Yeah. Right. Oh, see, again, Ian's writing a better movie than we had.

You just have a montage of her like opening the peanuts can with the snakes in it and looking down so we can booper in the nose, sitting on whoopee cushions. And just fainting every time. It's like having a scene with the surgeon going, you know, guys, blood makes me vomit. Yeah. I'm gonna put feeling about today.

No, when we cut this guy open, blindfold me. All right, well, anyway, this will be just spent. I shit you not three entire minutes on the paralyzed guy dangling stick, which means we're going to need a minute to recalibrate. But first, let me give it actually the hard sell here. We'll preach managed to walk his son's fiance down the aisle? Why the fuck does that matter? Does this movie know that Spunk and Gumpshin can't counteract paralysis?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the dormant conclusion of... Badge of Faith. What do you mean people still know I got impeached? I blew up that Iraqi guy. Sure, for the third time he was Iranian. Uh, um, Mr. God. Oh, Tyler, who's this? Oh, uh, this is Ian. He's a new hire in our paralysis miracles department. Right, right, right, right. I'm going to call you a coupon.

Because my shamed head. Yeah, sure. That's why. What's up? Well, I was just looking through these paralysis miracle orders you've put in. And they seem kind of vague. How so? Well, so it's right here for that little boy in the wheelchair under miracle. You've put it Cheeto. It Cheeto. Yeah, that's a great one And then for that police officer you wrote walking but not walking by any metric of walking Yeah, that did feel oddly specific sir

Yeah, I was thinking you know since your God and all maybe we could cure Everyone totally, you know? I mean, we could, but like, where's the showbiz? Sure, can we just... Sorry, where's the showbiz? The drama, the stuttering few steps, the swell of the music, work with me here, come on, the showbiz.

Well, I guess it's not super dramatic just to cure everyone. Exactly, Cubone. Now, go it's some toes. It's some toes. Got it. Now, Tyler, explain to me where Iran is again. It's on Earth. And which one's that? And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to open up on Washington getting confronted by the bullies once more because. Actually, sorry, there is no because with scenes in this movie.

So it's just that's just what's happening is why it's just what's happening. It is as though they fucked up the shoot schedule and someone came to the editor and was like, Hey, I don't know how to tell you this. We accidentally shot two of the bully confrontation scenes, which one did you want to use? And the editor was like, well, seeing as I've got 45 minutes of lying in a bed groaning and 10 minutes of blood, I'm going to go with both. We're going to use both bully confrontation scenes. Right. Like once again, this scene, okay, so this time though, the bullies catch up with them and they cut them off at the pass and the one kid punches them out.

There's never a reason for any of that. Right. None of this comes out. We will never see the bullies again. We will never refer back to the fact that he got punched out. He won't learn anything from this scene. Nope. And what is he learned in general? He's learned that if you get bullied, the best policy is to get more firepower.

Yeah, right. That's like all he's learned. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If there had been an after credit scene where we watched Washington hoist a grenade launcher onto his shoulder as the police play in a nearby yard. This thing makes sense, but since there's not, it doesn't.

Yeah, right. Now, isn't this the running theme in this whole film is, you know, all this stuff about him, I'm going to forgive the guy that kicked me in the head. He's supposed to be about forgiveness, but everything, I mean, even as little jokes, which I get there's supposed to be jokes, but, you know, with his buddy, they're, they're talking about like, why did God keep you? Well, his other paralyzed buddy or whatever. Why God keep me alive?

He's like, and then they're like, well, God kept me alive after he paralyzed you because you knew that if I was paralyzed and we were both unnecessarily paralyzed and then we could help each other through being paralyzed and we wouldn't want to kill each other. And it's always this weird like, I'm here so that I can make fun of you and it's always this kind of weird vengeance thing. Yeah, like even when it's meant to be kidding, like the entire film is like I'm paralyzed so that I can make fun of you for being paralyzed.

That's my place on the earth. Ooh, I get to help this kid learn how to beat up other kids. Like, you know, not some resolve problem. Right, right. Learn how to beat up other kids like you know not resolve problem right right yeah his his advice to the kids was not like you Know turn the other cheek or anything rooted in Christian more Allen He it was no no you got to hit them with it. It was here's the sharp stick Yeah, it's not so much God's plan as it is the way I play strategy board games All right, I attack you with all of my blue pieces, Eli.

You don't have any blue pieces. I bought some from the store. You have to let me. Okay. So we cut back to preach and then we introduced this element to the story, which is bizarre to me, right? So his wife comes in. He's like working on something.

His wife or the nurse or somebody comes in with a newspaper and says, Hey, look, you made the headlines. Everybody sure is inspired by your story. But like, but like he hasn't done anything. His story is right. He got kicked in the head. Right. Yeah. If anything, his story is cautionary. Exactly. All the kids are going around and getting kicked in the head now. Yeah. Right. He was a drop in. Well, he's like, I give all the credit to God. And I'm like, come on, man, the guy who kicked you in the head deserves more credit than God.

Come on. Right, exactly. And then they didn't have any idea how to end this scene so they just brought them foods that they didn't like. Yeah, liver and tofu. Oh, no. Seen it. Well, that's supposed to be the nurse

getting revenge for them making her faint Yeah, I wanted that to be her like her plot line from now on like he's finally walking down the aisle with the cadence and she side tackles him Boom show, yeah, that's what you get for making me Yeah, that's what you get for making me. Fater. Nailed it. Honestly, an escalating prank war with the nurse is exactly one of the 19 things this movie needed to be good. Thank you.

Yes. So, okay. And then we have this love this moment so much. This may be my favorite scene in the whole fucking movie. The one where he goes to hospital church and this is the Nambi Pambi, consider it to Muslim and Jews asshole preacher. Right. Well, this is wonderful for a couple of reasons. One, this movie's like, look at this asshole trying to do religion and failing, but

two, this is religion when you acknowledge any other religion, right? You can't talk about anything when you acknowledge the other faith. So he's just like, yeah, behaving in a pattern seems to be things that human beings like, all right, everyone, get out of here. Yeah. And the funny thing is, the funny thing is,

what he says is actually the most, out of all the religious nonsense in the movie, what the preacher says is the most useful profound thing in the entire film. Yes. He says, hey, at some point you have to find your your own ultimate truth. Whatever that is to you. And it's funny. I said my 14 year old daughter was like, well yeah, that's why why is that a problem? He's preaching to a bunch of he's talking to a bunch of people that have different faiths. He's not going to pick one. He's going to a bunch of he's talking to a bunch of people that have different faiths He's not gonna pick one. He's gonna say, hey, whatever your truth is

That's what's gonna have to have to help you get through this and like the next scene is him making fun of it like What a moron. Yeah, even though with the ultimate truth is yes That is exactly the way they play the scene this guy is giving the again, again, best you can possibly do when you have people, not even just different faiths, but different denominations of Christianity in front of you, right? That half as well. If you think conditionally clause A, it could clause B, conditionally, you know, that kindness shit. And then the very next scene is them going like, that fucking asshole doesn't even realize

Muslims are going to hell. The hell's you doing preaching, right? But you know what that does make me think of? You know what is a job that has no educational requirements and it's great. It's like anybody can be a pastor. Should we put the movie? Should we put anybody can be the job I currently do as I'm writing this movie in the movie? Yeah, definitely.

Sure. That would be like if there was a movie about podcasters where a guy just runs into the record button on the wall and then we see him shoot up to number one on iTunes. All right. So then we get this moment where he's on the walking simulator machine. Again, like Ian pointed out, they wouldn't put him on if they actually didn't think he So then we get this moment where he's on the walking simulator machine. Again, like you pointed out, they wouldn't put him on if they actually didn't think he had any chance of walking again. It's just a cruel thing.

This is the nurse. Let's look at what you're missing, motherfucker. That's what you get for dangling around and making me pay. Let's say that guy that'll never walk again and drag him across the treadmill. I don't know where he is. Oh, look at the hopeful look on his face. Asshole. So I was bored of the movie at this point and I looked up this machine. It's real and it's super duper fucking cool, but this movie makes it seem like they just do it, you know,

for the fun and shit see get on something. Yeah, this movie explains this machine so badly that if I hadn't looked it up I would honestly believe that sometimes they just like hook you up to this machine so you can remember what walking Well, and then okay, so again, so again, we're halfway into the scene before the filmmaker realizes that, wow, Washington somebody artificially walk on a treadmill, not visually interesting. Let's have him flash back to jogging. God, his memories are boring.

And this actor, I just want to say, Ken, not run. I don't know what school of self-ass kicking he went to for running, but his legs are, they're so, he's doing backwards splits each time he takes a step. All right, man, Eli is making fun of your running game actor. That's right. Get this shit together. I'm gonna be in LA. I challenge you to erase.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. All right, and then we have to like, you know, his mood has to descend. So we get a couple of scenes of him like, not being happy and upbeat anymore and not joking around with his son and not like him being paralyzed, right?

Right. Okay. Now, this is such a bizarre choice for the movie to make. Look, this is an inspirational film. We have already watched him go through hard times. We did not need a third act moment where he was like, you know, we should probably include the part where I tried to divorce my wife and gave up on life as it is. Like that doesn't help your message.

And just and that whole thing of like, maybe God is using this incident as a very vague and sadistic way to put his friend of nonsense on me. Couldn't God have just made a movie about it happening? So how do you know God is using you to get his, like, what, what? Like, that was, that was the entire theme of that was like, you know, maybe God is using this, is you're the conduit for what? For what?

It's so bizarre. Yeah, so, okay. So then there's this moment where they take him, again, completely useless, God damn scene. they take him, again, completely useless goddamn scene. They take him to like swimming therapy or something, I gotta admit, crazy fucking hot, you know, the whole like the women all standing around him, going like, okay, now I'm gonna massage this,

I was into it, I was into it, I was thinking about getting kicked in the head for a second. Hehehehe. But then he falls asleep and I'm like, can this man make it to an entire fucking scene without a doodly do now? No, and he doodly do's to being old. Now, I need to talk about the most important part of this scene. And I would say the most important

part of the movie, which is that his wife during this scene appears to be vacuuming with his oxygen tank. Did anyone see this except for me? I did not. Okay. When you rewatch this movie, or if you're watching this as you listen along, watch the wife. She is doing vacuum pantomimes with the oxygen tank throughout the scene. What's your opinion? Yes. It's phenomenal. Now, is this before or after she tried to divorce him? Oh, that's later in the movie. Okay. Yeah, so what we get here is that we get him like fantasizing

about or like doodly doing into a memory from the future. I don't fucking know, but he's thinking about a future where he has to be in a wheelchair for his whole life. Boy, that must be the worst thing. He would have no value as a human being at that point. Really? Right? All right, so then God damn it. be the worst that he would have no value as a human being at that point really right. All right, so then God damn it. He's paralyzed some more like all of my my fucking notes. I'll start like okay, well there's here's another scene where he starts off

laying in a god damn bad and can I just say I watched this movie in the middle of my house. There was only so much man lying on his back moaning loudly before everyone in my house at one point walked into the room and was like, hey man, what you watching while your entire family's here over the holiday. What the fuck are you watching? Yeah, they walked in there like, oh god damn it. I thought it was at least going to be porn. Oh, exactly. So now this is the moment in the movie where he decides that he wants his wife to go the fuck away and divorce him. And the way the movie plays it is like, no, I'm too much of a burden.

I want you to go out there and be happy and everything. But it's really funny if you think about it as like, he just doesn't like her anymore. And legitimately, because she comes in, she's like, you want to divorce me? Okay, fine, she pulls out a pen and she says, when you can sign the divorce papers, I'll divorce you. Take that, you crippled fuck. I thought the nurse was gonna answer that by being like, oh, she got you.

She got you, sir. Oh. I think it would have been a hilarious if he said, fine, put it in my mouth, I'll sign it with my mouth. And she's done with you. Well, it's like she thought of that because she says, like, when you can sign it with your hate with that hand, that hand right there.

Yes. Yeah. And it was just such a weird, a weird thing where it's like, he's like, he just comes in and out of nowhere, out of the blue, no contemplation, just, he was just like, look, you know, I'm not into making rational decisions. So let's get it to force.

Like, it was just so out of fucking left field. He didn't say like, you didn't see her struggle, you didn't see her, her, her, her having pain with him being there. There was no reason. It wasn't like, yeah, I'm really a burden on my wife. We never saw any of that. All of a sudden, you just said, fuck you, what is going to do for us? It's act three, I gotta have something here, yeah.

Right. And then also like, so she comes in as you know, she's like yelling at him and crying at him. The woman is, she's acting in spirts. It's so fucked like all every decision she makes is so bizarre. My favorite is when she goes, for better or for worse. And I said, that's not the acting direction.

That's not the acting direction. That's not the acting direction. That's not the acting direction. That's not the acting direction. All right, so now we have to watch preach contemplate suicide. He goes to the top floor of the hospital and sadly blows into his wheelchair to for a while.

Okay, but here's the thing. He fantasizes about smashing through hospital glass, which like he gets a fantasy where he manages it where he blows extra hard and his fucking little wheelchair goes 800 miles an hour and smash him third to his death. But if he had actually tried it, which my entire notes for this scene are me just saying, please try it, please try it, we'll just, you just would have whapped into the very thick, very secure glass and then been like, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Alright now the left out of your face is gone. Hey, don't fuck you. Just set yourself back.

I'm afraid you can no longer. You've lost the privilege of the straw. That's it. You can only turn it right on your wheelchair now. Right. And then when he does, you know, he fantasizes about going through the window and man, if I thought God had horrible sound production, God's CG skills are unbelievable. Like is falling through the weird green screen thing where you actually see the green screen

outline around the wheelchair. And his hair is not moving at all. It's like, well, but hair is pretty well quaffed to not move when you're falling. It's so bad. I was like, really? You could find one Christian guy who volunteered 30 minutes to rotoscope out the chair. I mean, really? Oh, it was hilarious. Like literally like I was watching it. You literally like as you're watching it, you're like, hmm, they did a better on refore madness.

I'm sorry. They really did. They did those. You've had 85 years to learn how to do this shit. Yeah, it happens. All right, so now we cut to Washington, right? Because we've almost forgotten about him. He's at the police department.

He's come to see Preach's partner so that she can drive him up to this hospital that's you know far away so he can see him in this in this hospital. They had no idea how long to use the driving b-roll to establish that they then went there. Either that or they were trying their damn just to get to that 90 minutes at a certain point. They're like, wait, there was a time when someone drove, right? Okay. Or they were like, well, in reality, it took them 20 minutes to get there.

So I'm sorry, we're in a separate position. We can't lie. So Washington comes to see him in the hospital. He brought him letters from his dare students. I'm thinking to myself, man, it's a damn good thing I was not one of his dare students. Little Noah would have been unkind. Oh, here's a card from Little Luzons. Your whole job is alive, but you can't read this.

Oh, okay. But yeah, so they've literally now buried him in praise. Everybody sure is inspired by the way he got kicked in the head, took it like a champ, I guess. There's also this moment where like Washington volunteers to be as new therapy coach. And I thought that could have gone somewhere. That could have been fought. So now we've got it. We've got to establish that the community is coming to gather for him, right? So we cut back to preacher's son who's looking over the bills just can't imagine how they're going to renovate this enormous mansion that they live in. And that's when the firefighter from next door shows up and says that the whole fire department is volunteer to come in and renovate the house for him.

Okay, but they forgot to establish this character. So he's like, hello, I am your neighbor who has lived next door. You know me, I'm a fireman. And we're and we are here to fix your house. And look, I mean, I know that this like showing up on expected thing works great for a movie, but in real life, call, right? What if he's jerking off?

Right. Oh, ignore this tie. I have around my neck. I'm getting, I was just playing, I was playing a lightsaber game with it is what I was doing. It's those lightsabering. Thank you. N doing. It's like sabering. Thank you. Megan. It's, it hanging off of science, right?

His entirely surrounded by science. There are science practitioners around him, helping him science is way to health. And then his moot, his arm moves. And the fucking the wife drops to her knees and goes, God is great. The nurses are all like, you're welcome. She goes, this is the miracle we've been waiting for. Right. It's like, really, this is what we've waited this whole fucking movie for, which is our moving just there.

Right. This is the miracle from God that took a year of rehab we've been waiting for. Yeah, right. Right. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I love that. That's God works in mysterious ways like any of that So really yeah, no, I find it interesting that despite the mysteriousness of his ways I can always predict them right Seriously, it behaves precisely in the way you'd behave if you didn't exist

Yes, God works in mysterious ways just like science. Yeah, it's like, it's like, basically, it's funny. How mysterious it is. It's exactly what we thought would happen. Yeah, if he went through rehab. Exactly. It's in built into the goddamn name of the center. Rehabilitation. Also, God's mysterious ways happen to move at the exact same pace as science. Center rehabilitation.

Also God's mysterious ways happen to move at the exact same pace as science. Now, that's nothing to do with this. So yeah, so that was the miracle. By the way, the next scene is him leaving the rehab center. Yes. And by the way, leaving the rehab center with Washington, did they adopt this child? He's a single man about town. I like him.

He has no family. He has no roots. He goes rid of the fucky wants. And then of course, we get another hilarious watching a handicap person fall out of his wheelchair moment here again, I'm paralyzed again. I was right back into the rehab center. Oh, you lost the arm. So and then we get my, this is such a great little moment of terrible editing.

So we get him leaving the rehab center getting in the van driving to the airport. Then the goddamn thing comes up and says six weeks later and we see the plane landing. Like, man, was there some traffic. But that's the traffic does not fuck around. Your traffic control was really busy that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're gonna have to circle for six weeks. Yeah.

The road of airport is a pretty busy this time of year. Yeah. All right. So now he's he's driving home. I love that we get idle chatter in the car as the scene starts with somebody going, well, I mean, he still can't walk. This movie's kind of bullshit if you think. But dad says, Hey, wait a minute, we're going the wrong way. You should have turned left up there, but you turned right and he's like, yeah, we've got one little stop to make. And then all of a sudden, all the cops show up on motorcycles and all his biker buddies are there to give him a motorcycle escort to nowhere to like a presentation ceremony filled

with, I'm going to say max 14 people. Oh my god. okay, so yeah. And of course, my note is, what a gross misuse of municipal funds this is, right? Okay. Well, here's the other one. Did you guys read any of the signs? Oh no, no. Oh my God, there's one that I literally had to pause it and research the guy's last name and ask my kid ask my daughter

I'm like is there a pun I'm missing and she's like I don't get it either there was a somebody holding a sign that said Way to stick to it and to it was spelled T. U. I. T Oh, you know what it because early in the fucking movie that's his thing at the dare programs is still against the have to stick to it. That's how he got through his dyslexia and shit. But even so, but why I was like, do they spell it? T-U-I-T? Like his, I'm like, is this last name through it? Or is there, is to it some kind of pun? Like, why do they spell it? T-U-I-T? They're like, you gotta stick and they quote to it. Yeah, no, that's, that's actually a Southernism where they'll spell it. Like, no, that's actually a Southernism where they'll spell like that. Now, if these filmmakers didn't have their heads completely up their asses, they would

have had him when he does the whole stick to it speech, he would have written it out on the goddamn chalkboard. Yeah, I thought that they just couldn't spell stick to it. And based on the rest of the movie, I was like, yeah, that tracks. I get it. They're like, fuck it. He's just like, he doesn't know what the hell this is anyway. Yeah.

Right. So. And by the way, this is such a little moment, but it's so fucking amazing because again, we've done 229 movies now at one hour, 27 minutes and 25 seconds or so, a little before a little bit after. There is a crowd shot of the parade. It is the single worst example of camera work that we have ever seen on this show. It's amazing. We have watched, we have literally watched camera men sneeze and they kept that shot.

This was worse. Okay, so what I think is happening and I I truly I gotta say spiritually I have no idea what happened to the camera in the same game. Okay, can I throw out a fucking theory? Oh please please do they let the guy that this movie was based on film one scene. Excellent. Yes, that that is possible. I assume that this drone was moving sideways and hit someone. That is the only thing that makes this shot makes sense. Oh, Jesus. And so yeah, now the way this movie plays us out. So this is the town coming to welcome him home or whatever, but they play it like he doesn't know this. Any of this is going to happen, right? So he's like an involuntary parade float

for these fucking people. And then they literally drag him up to the stage. They don't use, they don't take the wheelchair out of the car. They drag him up to the stage with no forewarning and they're like, hey, why don't you do a speech? Fuck you! I would paralyze everyone who said that shit up. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Jesus. And then of course all the named characters have a little something to say at this moment. And they like completely and deeply fail. And all of their speeches. The fireman guy, he grabbed, he snatched the microphone. Like he's got something to say and he's just like, yep, we're all, uh, spoo, I love you. I love you. Leave your wife for me. All right, someone else. Sir.

Good bad, biker guy, what do you have to say? I stopped selling meth for children for this. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, and they bought him a van. So the town bought him a van too. So, okay, one final scene to make it through. Obviously, we're at a wedding. We know, no, what's gonna happen.

Yeah, so he's getting ready for the wedding. And he turns to his wife and he's like, you know, seems odd that I wouldn't have mentioned this, but in the very opening of this movie, we had a Vio of like kind of somebody trying to do an Optimus Prime Impression that was God. And we haven't acknowledged that, which seems weird. Anyway, that happened. Oh, gosh, you know what I wanted to tell you?

Comerbunds, flowers, I spoke to God once. All right, let's get out there. Well, and again, this is one of those, this is how it happened thing. So that's how we have to put it in this movie. This is him deciding later that, hey, I should tell people I spoke to God that night and then this becomes miraculous, right? Right. Yep.

So, and also, by the way, so he's gonna walk the fucking daughter-in-law down the aisle and shit. And like, hey man, wait a make her wedding about you Bride you dick yeah, just use the will even if you don't really need the wheelchair at this point use it for this one moment Also Cheating canains are totally cheating. Well, yeah, that's the other thing that the fucking movie like, okay, so the IMDB thing sells this. The tagline is, you know,

this man was paralyzed, but overcame it and walked again through sheer will. But like, that's, that's not exactly walking that he's doing there. Right. He's got four legs when you add in the crutches. And they're not just like crutches. He's got like the full, like the crutches that go up your arm. Yeah. For our braces. You have to do like so repulsing like ones where you cannot stand on your own. The all of the weight is being supported on the arms. Yeah. Right. And look, you know, if this is the story of one man's perseverance, sure, worthy of celebration, but if this is God Miracle in you back to life, this is pretty half ass

Okay, he's trying to get down the aisle poor pianist has to start over on here comes to pride. He's like I'm out of shit guys Guys, I'm literally playing Pacabel Canon, which is a cannon that you can repeat over and over again. And I am somehow out of music, Jesus. Although the first thing I thought I'm like, one, he, he, he was one year of rehab to struggle with crutches. And then I thought to myself, well, that's not the first time religious people struggle with crutches.

God, I'll tell you what, if you look at his condition as a metaphor for the Christian religion, you know, starting in about 900 a C E or so, this movie makes a ton of sense. Ooh, I like it. All right. Wave deeper than what they were going for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So, okay, real quick before we wrap it up, though, the movie has its own little breakfast club close where it comes up and it's like, it's like one year after he was kicked, he got out of his wheelchair and he hasn't needed it since. He retired, retired from the police department. Now, it's a minister because you need no abilities to do that job. Because there's nothing you can do to lack qualifications as a minister.

That's it. Yeah. And I love his servants are probably like, look, you can do anything with God. And of course, you know, science in a year of rehab and lots of doctors and medicine and paying attention. But look, I was kicked in the head a year ago and I busted my ass and all these people helped me and the entire community came together and I can hobble slightly now with crutches. God is great. Look at the full. That's gotta be the worst sermon ever. All of his sermons are just him hobbling back and forth on stage and then ending with Neade, I say, oh, oh, I do. I need to say.

And by the way, can someone help me up? Yeah. Well, miracles were a lot easier when they weren't cameras. Fucking guy. Yeah. They were so much more impressive back then. All right. Well, Ian, I were so much more impressive back then. All right. Well, Ian, I cannot thank you enough for suffering alongside us this week.

If our listeners would like to hear some more from you, where can they go to check out some of your stand-up? Well, you can, I have a couple TV specials. One's called Extraordinary. It's on Amazon Prime and all the other VOD stuff you watched, but Prime it's free. And I have another one called Critical and Thinking that is on iTunes and it's now on my I just made it public on my YouTube page so you can find my YouTube's easy to find it's just look me up e-hairs comedians and he and Harris and yeah to subscribe to my YouTube channel and and and find me

on on the social mediums I'm on all of them so I'm easy to find I'm a bald guy who does comedy and and and it's a bunch of weird sciencey type pictures. So I'm pretty easy to find. Well, and I will say to, to, to our audience specifically, like check out Ian's shit, like we're in a world where increasingly comedians are more and more wooly and foolish. Like his shit is, is very, like it won't trigger the skeptic in you. It, it, it, it really comes from a skeptical perspective.

It's really funny stuff. And of course, we'll have the YouTube channel linked on the show notes for this episode as well. Yeah, well, thank you very much. It was, this is really fun. And and I just say one thing really quickly, I learned from this experience to never, ever, ever trust the the user ratings on Amazon. What was the user rating on this one? It had a five stars. Oh, you're shitting me. No, but here's something I found out.

And I'm not trying to go like, oh, Mac people are better, whatever. But if you look at the ratings on IMDB or on iTunes, which are industry-related people, there are people, you know, iTunes, you probably have to have a Mac, so it's probably, again, some sort of, you know, maybe you've got a little bit more money to spend on a nice computer. I don't know. And then Amazon, which is kind of like everybody in the world that can just kind of tune onto Amazon, it's always diametrically opposed.

If it's five stars on, not always, but for the most part, if it's five stars on Amazon, It'll be one star on iTunes. Or IMDB will be like a 3.7. Great movie. Anyway, so I learned a lot of five stars. This must be what the fuck? So. All right, so audience, you have a mission there. Make sure that Ian's shit is at least higher in the stars than this fucking police. I was gonna say, give him high ratings or this one low ratings or a combination of the two. Let's fucking make that happen at least. He suffered for your entertainment. Yes, just like Jesus.

So that's going to do it for her review of Badger Faith. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to double down on this best. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Star Trek 5. Oh, no. It's Star Trek meets God! Yeah! Everybody get ready! Oh God, we've been getting so many requests for that for so fucking long. I'm so glad. Ooh, maybe we'll be able to get a special guest trekky. That'll be great. Ooh. If only we knew someone who liked Star Trek.

Our community is so barren. Our community is so barren. Alright, so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 229 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Ian for hanging out with us tonight. Again, check the show notes to hear more from him. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I've got awful. And thereby, you're gonna be able to access to an ad free version of our episode.

You can also help it done by the link of five star review. And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our sibling shows, this gating idea citation needed in the Skeptocrat available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, send them out in a suggestion,

you can email Godoff on movies.gmail.com, link of services for this podcast, provided by the law, this is a P.A. Dritaurus, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting and People's Drafts on Mars, although the music was written and performed

by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used for provision. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Eli Bosnick, I'm an illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then! We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Preach went on to annoy the fuck out of his family by moving way slower and less safely than he would if he just used the damn wheelchair like the doctors told him to. Washington completed his training in this movie to matter. Who's the damn wheelchair like the doctors told him to? Washington completed his training in this movie to matter.

In the next film he's in. Someday. The wife divorced him because he's an asshole. He could eventually sign the paper, she's like, you know what I'm talking about. That was my challenge, you know what I'm saying. All right. Oh, that was my challenge. You got me. Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.