God Awful Movies - 23: Gam023 WWJD2: The Woodcarver

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down the sequel to last week's homage to things happening randomly and in questionable focus; What Would Jesus Do 2: The Woodcarver.  This nearly impossible to properly punctuate sequel adds an Oscar eligible performance from Christian movie powerhouse John Ratzenberger, to answer the age old question of what gay GILF porn would look like if you took out all the sex.---Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bay Westin Parque Sur. more gay sex words all right see how the grain is and the kid goes should I use my fingers

those are the lines. Somebody's trying to win a movie. I have no comedy for you. My comedy is those of the lines. That awful movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because at one point this seemed like a good idea. I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thank you, sir. I'm very glad to be here. This job is so fun. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli so good to speak with you again sir. Good to be here is the man who doesn't have to edit it. So tell us Heath what are we going to be breaking down today? All right, we watched, what would Jesus do to the woodcarver?

It's the big budget sequel to, what would Jesus do? One, and lastly, apparently the producers parlayed their success from that first one into a serious franchise, so here it is. And they did what any good Christian movie producer would do when they get some money, they went out and they booked Johnny Ratsonberg. Oh, there you go.

And he was worth every penny. Oh. Also, just in case anyone's not caught up with the plot from the original, a Christian female boxer had just become mayor of Raymond, California. But don't worry, it won't matter at all because there's absolutely no connection whatsoever between the characters of this movie and in part one. This one is all about the high stakes world of hand-cut lumber. Get excited.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, Jive and Wonder, what would happen if I took the plot of a gay porn, got rid of all the sex and cast Baby Voldemort and Christmas cheers. Well then you got a movie. What would Jesus do? I'm on board. This movie I just want to point out this movie if you include some old man young boy fucking is a fantastic love story. Older man whose wife has passed away and realizes that he has feelings for a young local boy He takes him under his wing and he fucks him a whole bunch And his parents don't approve it first, but then they're like, you know what?

You fucking my kid is helping an out and so then they do a better happily ever after this is a touching love story except it's not Believe me we're gonna be coming back to that motif a time or two I do believe especially because it seemed like the people who made this movie had no fucking idea that the word would was often used to describe an erection. Holy moly moments. They just set those up. Just every other line is like hey you want to come into the kitchen and help me get this wood? And put your mouth on it. Then get it nice and clean.

Carve this penis. I mean, basically the first thing we see the kid do when he meets Cliff is trying to help him get his wood up. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's great. And I got to say speaking of Cliff, I was thinking about the other day. By the way, get his wood up with a pulley. Yeah, right. yeah, no shit.

No, he had to yank pretty fucking hard. Can't clue the energy. I was really mulling this over the other day, and I cannot think of a single 80s TV star who has disappointed me more than John Rounson Burger. I was mulling through all of them. You and all the women he's made love to. I don't know. It's just like the guy who played norm seems super busy, but it hit on me really hard

No, it's just like whatever he's been on TV a whole bunch, but it was I took a morning after pill just in case So before we jump in I want to touch on what Heath was talking about earlier about how in the world this is a sequel. So before we get to that, so I want to say which of the two movies would you say was better? This is a better made movie because the camera was pointed in the right direction at all times. Pretty much, yeah. And the acting was better than child porn.

It was acting, yeah. Yeah. Um, that is all I have to say. That is it. Well, see, it is better than the previous film. Yeah, it's like the Godfather, yeah. Absolutely.

That's it. That's exactly like. It's just like the Godfather. The Godfather. You guys are wondering. I gotta say honestly, I had more fun watching the first one, though. It's like, yes, there's exactly like just like the godfather. Godfather. I gotta say honestly I had more fun watching the first one though And like yes, there's no question. This is a better made movie But the first one like actually at least you had all that ridiculous bullshit to look at and go oh my god

They don't even have this is the cameras not even pointing at the guy who's talking anymore is it? Holy shit. Did he fall asleep? And you didn't get that in this one it was every bit is boring but you didn't have all of the basic fuck ups and filmmaking to have fun with so yeah it was actually a less entertaining 90 minutes also it is I just want to point out before we get started it is 90 minutes to the second to the second this movie is 90 minutes yeah how long the movie need to be they were like 90 minutes and then they turn it's like that kid who has to who double spaces all the space Why are your margins so thin? I don't know what you're talking about man. This is four pages. You probably

You didn't give me a word count bitch. You gave me a page count Well, of course, I don't want to tease everybody for too long So we'll take a quick break and when we return we'll break down all the exactly one degree more interesting the drying paint action of What would Jesus do to the woodcarver? Hi, I'm Pony D Are you a couple in the first half of a Christian movie? Do you not have enough Jesus a Communication and compromise, way too hard to communicate in a movie that probably supports marital rape? Well then you need

Tony D's, all inclusive fighting parents package. You get three full scripts for you, your loved ones, and all the major points you may need to hit like, fighting while expositioning. Well maybe if you didn't have a job, the baby wouldn't have died. Well, maybe the baby wouldn't have died if you have a job. Or talking about divorce, like it's the murder from Gone Girl. I don't know, man. Sometimes I just... I just want a divorce, sir, you know? What are you saying? Man, there are people around. There's people. Keep your voice down. He's joking. He's joking. And, of course, skeptical dialogue for when your child suddenly changes religion oh

So you're a Christian now, huh? Well if you're a Christian how many fingers am I holding up? Oh? We don't go to church anymore. God I miss church Tony these all inclusive fighting parents package Because a movie that dealt with the complexity of relationships would require an author who had read more than one book. And we're back for the breakdown and by the end of the opening shot you knew this was going to be a better movie than the last one. I just like from the filmmaking perspective as we discussed because immediately the camera is showing you something. Right. It's not shining at the sun. No. Points? I guess. Yeah. Instead of shining at a

church and I want to take one second to point out if it wasn't for all that ugly wooden shit, that would be a nice little church. Yes. And this is this is exactly my first note. Here's the thing. The one thing Christians have is that they have some really beautiful architecture to their name. If you spend thousands and thousands of years finding all the best peasants and being like, hey man, you're like a genius wood carver. Make us this giant building to a god you'll never meet and the guys like, sure, do I get an extra bowl of porridge?

No, of course you don't. But a Lydia extra, okay. There's some really gorgeous stuff out there in Christianity's name They could not have found uglier wood carvings for what is supposed to be a master carver to do no It looks like everyone's first try I Past shop because mr. Haggerty my shop teacher had lost six fingers like six years before, and he basically just sat in his office and drank.

What we would do is if you didn't get hurt, you got an A, if you got hurt, you got an F. That was his rule. So what I did is I sat there and I painted this same clear liquid back and forth across the same piece of wood the entire time for an entire shop class. That's what I did in high school. I fulfilled my requirement. It was fine. By the end I had six inches of lacquer on one inch of wood, but that's fine because I would never ever touch any of those tools again. It turned out better than anything in this field.

Turn out the church looks like Mr. Miyagi's dojo or something like this. Got sunbursts. Yeah. Okay, so now what happened here, clearly? Okay, so the plot of the movie, the wood carvings on this church obviously are pivotal to this movie, but they couldn't find a church with really nice carved wood on it. So they obviously had to take an existing church and just stick these obtrusive wood finials on it

and it looks fucking awful. It looks horrible and ironically, most of them are prefabricated. Most of them are very clearly prefabricated, not nice. And bought by the hundred. You'll find out why that's ironic in a few minutes and that over and over again.

Because in this movie, prefabricated is code for made out of those babies we bought from plant parents. Apparently, yes. That's how everyone's at that word. Like at a certain point when they were saying pre fabricated I expected it to be bleeped out. So okay, so we're looking at the church, we get our title font and I want to just point out the title font is like the same font I used in my notes. And yet this is like worlds better.

I'm like as I'm writing, wow, this is worlds better than the last movie I'm looking at that font. Yeah, so it's just to give you an idea of how bad the last one was. But of course, as we're looking at this as a Dillock Church, suddenly a hood lumbar peers, you can tell because he's wearing a hoodie and riding a skateboard. He's got skittles.

Yeah, clearly. Stand your ground church, stand your ground. Well, it should have. You had read this article on the plays that said, if you combine a baseball bat and spray paint and some skittles, it turns it to a nuclear bomb. Right? The church had every right, great pronunciation there,

by the way. Yeah, thank you. So you can always tell because I slow down. I'm like, you can start to sound the word out. Now, I also want to point out and I hate to belabor the opening scene before we get to the kid's smash and the fuck out of this church. Um, but the music in this movie was so goddamn bizarre. I have so many notes on the music. Uh, my note on this opening music is, okay, someone is about to unveil a very impractical projectile weapon in a Robert Rodriguez movie. Like a missile is about to shoot out of a fucking guitar case or something.

I've got my mom's bra and this mace and I'm gonna time together. Use them against the zombies. I call the soundtrack for this movie. Dave didn't know we were recording while he told the room with his guitar slash piano. Right yeah pretty much everything was one note at a time with some little ambience strings oh god it was so bad and so horribly inappropriate as well but like I said I'll get back to that first we got to destroy this fucking church so that's what's going on this little hoodlum hoodie is coming through to smash up all the wood on the church and the windows and the stained glass and spray paint liar across the uh right

i wanted carol came to run out and start screaming liar liar jesus is a liar him writing liar on a church automatically put me on his side. That's the most I will like this character throughout the entire movie. I don't believe in property destruction, but I like his message. I so wanted the movie to just end right there. Just 89 minutes of fucking credits after that. Let all the Christians just stare and go, wait a minute now.

What the hell we just watched? When do he change his man face? He when do he change his man face he's supposed to change his man face and uh... of course we also learned in this scene that there's a security camera watching him because there is no god they can't count on him uh... and then we fade out on a on a sad little cross so uh... then we get uh... we cut to the church the next day, where apparently they've caught them on the security cameras,

of course, and mom, dad, and the kid, Matthew, are sitting there getting chastised by this, this pimple in a priest costume. Yeah, exactly. He looks like, like, you know how Caligula made his horse a senator. He looks like the crazy Pope made a hairless vol a priest like that was rats and burgers last

thing he's like alright you know how the fuck you guys here looking how this one this one's a priest can send it to small town America and give it the nicest wood you're gonna find yeah make him look Catholic but then put him in a Baptist church nobody will notice also we get the fair so this basically seen is fighting parents fighting and they could not be more generically fighting just like we're separated we sure are I'm mad at you I'm mad at you we're both mad at our son Matthew yes mom and dad are having exposition I mean problems and apparently as is the case in many ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha very very because all of his lines in this movie are shouted. Well, for the first two thirds of it and then he completely changes. You get all bad. We're not divorced yet. I'm allowed to be there for that, right?

Father, you you heard her talk back, right? You heard that. The priest basically has this moment where he's like, Jack, Jack, come on, come on. Close your fist. I don't want you to break a knuckle. Imagine you're holding a bean. The bean in your knuckle. Also, we got to talk about these people's physical appearances. So the priest again, Herelis Vol who's been made a priest, the mother in this movie looks like Ted Cruz in a wig. Okay, you know how in normal movies they take George

Clooney, right, who's 89 years old and he can only come dust and they get some 19 year old and that's his love interest. They did the opposite in this movie. Yes. They got this regular looking guy. He's pretty good looking he's been in some regular movies. I think this was just like his agent was like, look, I got two weeks between this movie and this movie then you're back on the set of Arrow. What do you want to do? And he was like, sure, I got $12,000. I'll take it. Why not? Right. So he's sort of a normal actor who looks relatively normal, right? Relatively normal, but he's married to, again, Ted Cruz and a wig, sort of like, if Donald Trump went through a lady cloning machine, you know what I'm saying?

I actually kind of liked the Bob. I thought she looked like a, like a retired stripper that stopped doing cocaine and started eating food instead, but like in a good way. Like in a good way. You know, like a nice thick version of Moratirni, if she let herself go a little bit. You know, like in a good way. And Dad, by the way, you said he looks kind of...

I thought he kind of looked like, you remember Boggs from Choshank, the gay rapist guy? He looks like Boggs did a Wrangler jeans commercial. I had freeze-dried Ron Perlman in my notes, but yeah, yeah. I wrote it and he looks like the Marble Oak Cowboys gay son. Yes, okay. Alright. I also want to point out, the mom obviously went to costuming the first day and she grabbed

whoever the guy was who was in charge of costumes and she said, you listen to me, you son of a bitch. Bigger shirt. Bigger shirt. the guy was who was in charge of costumes and she said, you listen to me, you son of a bitch, bigger shirt, bigger shirt, cuz she is wearing quadruple XL, half shirt, half ball gowns in every fucking scene. MC Hammer pants, but it's short, yeah. So while mom and dad are fighting about nothing, the priest asks Matthew to step outside so they can discuss some other stuff. I want it so bad for him to start vandalizing the church again when he stepped out.

Oh, Matthew, by the way, I mentioned it in the beginning, looks like baby Voldemort. Yes. Remember, Ray Fines' Voldemort is just that, but a baby. His awkward teenage phase. No, no, it's had cursealed someone during the course of this video I can't finally It looks like the white kid that didn't get the part in the feed the children commercial So he's gonna be swatting white flies for the whole movie. Yeah, no

I was wondering the entire movie what that kid would look like with skin, but I just can't pick sure a 15 year old fetus with braces Just came out like that. Now, I want to point out what's going on in this scene because the priest asked the kid to step out, like, oh, we're gonna talk about the kid behind his back or whatever. But then when the kid steps out, the priest is like, I really wanted him to step out so that I could tell you guys

about Jesus and how he doesn't want you to get divorced in yada yada yada. And the dad is like rightfully pissed The dad's like look dude. I'm taking time off a work to be here. You said this was about my son You know and of course, but it's a Christian movie so we're supposed to say oh dad's more worried about his job than he is about Jesus Oh, that's gonna cause problems nothing in your life will go right until you stop learning to worry about the world and start worrying about your Invisible friend. Yep, and that's gonna be the message we learn for this entire fucking movie and by the way They basically set this up right away with like oh well you guys stopped going to church

Well, that's why you're getting divorced and your child is breaking shit and right also This is going to come back. So I just want to throw it out there. The priest says to them, have you prayed about it? Never underestimate the power of prayer. That's important. He says it in this scene, because we're immediately going to cut over to...

The next person, John Rasmberger. Where he'll give the exact same advice again. Word for words. I was like, Oh man, he only has two sentences. So John Ratsonberger, he's the one who made the wood originally that's supposed to be really nice, but looks super terrible. And we learned that they're building a Sunday school. This is the plot of the movie. They're building a Sunday school, John Ratz and burgers gonna hand carve all the wood. The dad's company wants to use, I don't know if I can get through this

word without throwing up. Prefabricated wood. Oh god. I'm so glad we haven't explicit tag on the show guys. I'm so glad. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. If there are any carpenters in our audience and you need a safe space to go to listen to this episode, please call us 1-900 prefabricated. Oh, I've got it again! Pastors terrified. I don't know about this prefabricated. Is that like stem cells?

I don't know. That's it. Also, at one point when he introduces it, they point out why they use prefabricated stuff. He's like, oh, well, you know, it's waterproof and bugs won't eat it and shit and the preachers like I don't know I do like bugs eat in my building from Miami. Did houses do better or worse before we came up with better ways to How many 14th century houses are still around? the center of the houses are still around. So, log cabins are still popular, right?

People still do the same thing. Oh, yeah. So, now, yeah, that's how, that's the stakes they set up for this movie. And what they set up immediately is dad's talking to the evil boss guy who's saying, yeah, old Ernie will never get that wood carved in time.

He's going to slow us down. And so, that's the stakes they set up immediately. Can Ernie carve the wood in time. He's gonna slow us down. Wait, and so that's the stakes they set up immediately. Can Ernie carve the wood in time? Those are the fun. And if you're wondering yourself, gee, how will they raise those to cinematic stakes? They won't. They won't. That's it.

There's even a scene. We're about to have a scene later on in the movie where he goes, well, what happens if I don't get you the wood? And John Ratzenberger's like, eh? Be out of the right. I guess you'll use your stuff. where he goes well what happens if i don't get you the wooden john ratson burger's like the your stuff clinton possibly carful that wouldn't thirty days this creates quite the conflict great the priest is talking to

to cliff clavin and i'm never gonna call anything but clif clavin his name is earning but his needs yeah clippy and he those are gonna have to be interchangeable for the purposes of this episode and we learn that basically he comes up to me like so someone smashed all your wood can you redo it and he's like no no and i wrote my notes well this was a short movie

but we learn that cliffs wife died of cancer and so he can't carve anymore well and he says that nobody else can match that detail and I'm like, dude, I have a fucking 3D printer with lasers and shit. I mean, there's no amount of detail I cannot match. I can make Yoda. Exactly, exactly. And I mean, like setting aside the fact

that the wood obviously doesn't look like it was carved by somebody who knows what they're doing, but you know, you're supposed to overlook that, I guess. But he just doesn't look like it was carved by somebody who knows what they're doing but you know that you're supposed to overlook that I guess but he just doesn't care anymore because the dead wife and then of course the priest reminds him that she's not really well she's really dead but she's imaginary alive in happy land right exactly and we also have a great moment here where he's he points out that she was riddled with cancer. And I was like, really, riddled with cancer? Like, riddle me this bad man. When is a tumor?

Belign it. How often should you get a mammogram? I don't know every six months. Oh, all right. I think that's too often. I don't know. Truth is, I don't know. Yeah, Cliff lost his wife to a really bad case of full body cancer. Yes, yes. So many tumors, they're actually starting to help kill the other tumors. And then she died.

And then we get this little, like we've been friends and buddies forever, kind of concept thing where we learned that the very first plaque that master woodcarver Ernie ever carved in his whole life Said what what would Jesus do so? Three minutes in we're already shoe horning that into the movie and oh by the way the priest still has the plaque and Cliff still has the knife he used to carve it on him and during that conversation and also fuck off

I still have the sandwich that I ate that day. Right. I cut off the crusts, you remember, I didn't like to crust back then. I'm still wearing the same clothes. So now we get a five-second scene between the dad and Cliff where the dad, so the dad works for the construction company that's trying to make the Sunday school and Cliff's supposed to be making the wood and the dad drops by and very Plightly says, hey man, we don't think you can hand carve an entire fucking Sunday school. Would you like to sign this form so you're not legally

Culpable for giving us all this wood so we can use wood that was invented, you know After people knew what germs were and he's like no go fuck yourself Basically, yes, and keep in mind that like the last we heard from this guy's like no I don't want to call cut the wood cuz my wife's dead and everything and the guys like oh okay Well here we go. We'll buy you out of your contract We'll pay you to not work. You just have to sign this paper. He's like Fuck you and your modern pre-fabricated bullshit Yeah, yeah, we also get our first look at Cliffey's house by the way, and I just wanted to point that out

because everything in the house is made of wood, even the toilets and shit, and I'm... They never say it, but I'm gasoline that he whittled that all down from one solid block. Right, he's bad as wood, the blankets are right. Yeah, exactly. I saw the cabin inside the trees. Ha-ha. And then we cut back to old Maddie to see

how he's doing the trouble team there. And Matt's mom is yelling at him because he's drawn a tattoo on his forearm that looks awesome. It was a still your face with no lightning bolt, but yeah, I mean, okay, it it was yeah this skull tattoo that was very well drawn on his forehand by the way his right forearm he's right handed later in the movie I just he's left handed oh was he yeah he's left oh all right fuck oh yeah what would you know they should get some exercises in there that's just bad parenting also just I this is one of my favorite things about Christian films so I have to point it out.

The leaving an actor on screen for more than three seconds, so they have to come up with some business. At the beginning of this scene, the mom takes her coffee, tastes her coffee, doesn't like it, and pours it down this thing. Yeah, what? Why did he- He doesn't like her own Yes, and we're never given any explanation and there's not like a problem with the coffee machine Nope, that was just that was in there like somebody pissed in that coffee right before they started the scene They were like they said 90 minutes. We need four seconds I don't know you don't like the coffee and you pour it down that Jesus would put more grounds in there You know, I gotta say though honestly as a person who is constantly looking for exactly sixty minutes worth of material there are so

many scenes in this movie that suddenly make sense if you go with the they needed exactly ninety uh... because of the special that last scene yes so uh... and we also learn that dad's not coming to dinner uh... again to busy not being at dinner i guess right because work is bad in Christian movies. And so then we cut to Matthew doing his first day

of community service and his job is apparently to poke the graffiti away with a fucking hairbrush. They gave him that little Maybelline brush as punishment, I think, but yeah, he's covering over a liar and he's just dabbing it one right paint Adam at a time And we thought that the first movie didn't have anything to do with the second Oh, yeah, there you go in this movie in this universe they have an invented rolls. Strong it together nailed it right

I wrote my notes at this rate. It should be done in 85 Something like that So cliff comes by and he walks by while the kids cleaning up and he leans down and he picks up a piece of broken wood and the kid goes It's called wood And I'm like do you just announce whatever someone just picked up what it's you got a sandwich there Sandwich in your hand You're driving a car. You're also driving a car. You're also driving a car.

Oh god, this is gonna take a while. You're also driving a car. Guys, he just does this while we're on break. That's not in the script. But of course, Cliffey is pissed that this kid would like, derogatorally refer to his wood as just wood. It's not wood what it's maple and i want the kid to go like

that's a subset broad and spray paint in a venn diagram on the side of the church if that would help also he has this moment where he's like that's not just wood that's maple maple makes guitars and baseball back and i was like yeah man with the shits made out of wood i don't think the kid doesn't think anything in the world's made out of wood also i know nothing about sports are all baseball bats made out of maple no absolutely not wrong cliff not just maple little known fact actually about half the

wood baseball bats are made of northern white ash well there you go i i just when he started saying that i wrote my notes bowling pins guitars baseball bats shrimp scampy grilled shrimp fried shrimp come bobs yeah any of the then he explains that that's actually special would that would is flaming quilt at which point i wrote the elai bosnick story and as though we weren't enough of the elai bosnick story he then immediately goes you want to see what I can this is an exact quote

Cliff says to the child who he has never once met right you want to see what I can do with wood come up to my place Main character Can I just met you want to see what I could do with wood come on over to my isolated house? You know where it is yeah That's it and again We're not going for gay porn so bizarre if it was gay porn that does make sense right oh yeah it cuts like bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop boy so now we can back to um uh... dad coming back over to clippie's place because he said he wanted to leave the contract there for the day and that he's he's so he's showing back up for it but god damn it clippie hands it back to him unsigned and by the way dad's

wearing a ridiculous leather man bracelet from like hot topic it looks stupid without the matching chain wallet is crazy he he looks like a surf coach that tries to fuck your fiance on your honeymoon yes yes pop back down I know exactly that look do yes also I want to point out Cliff acts like a free citizen or an independent citizen getting pulled over for a speeding ticket yes when he gives in the paper he's like hey man you need to sign this you're like I don't need to do anything do you know that according to the Constitution alright man stand up so I can tase you to you poop yourself

and then we get uh... math you showing up to admire cliffy's wood kind of a yeah well okay so the first thing we see though actually we see cliff in his wood shop or whatever and we see him having trouble getting his wood shop or whatever and we see him having trouble getting his wood up. Can't get his wood up. Hey kid, I sure can't get my wood up. Would you help me by using this leather saddle? You got a pull on it.

Again, if this movie is a gay porn, oh, it's fantastic. It's imaginative. It's fun. It's touching. And the cinematography is great compared to the game horns I've seen, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Most of them, because they're filmed on my phone.

Stop sending me these. No, stop, stop, stop sending me these. Don't give me your cell phone if you don't want this stuff. I love to, by the way, because they have this conversation about the history of wood here, where clips go in like, like yeah wood's been used for thousands of years to build stuff and the kid goes like Thousands come on like Things the creation of the earth yeah Yeah, just exactly since the creation of the earth not before then not before those right at 6000 years

That's when they started using the wood. And then of course, he reminds him that Jesus was a wood carver, which he wasn't in the Bible at any point. But yeah, okay, he was a carpenter is the same thing, I guess, fine. Also, I want to point out the kid points out, he's like, Hey, why aren't you in school and the kids like, I quit. It's like, you quit school. We learned that this kid is 15.

You can't just quit school. Nope. Doesn't kid is 15. You can't just quit school. No, it doesn't work like that Yeah, not how it works believe me if it was I would have We don't recommend that kids stay at school and also don't listen to this fucking show No one who is young enough to think about quitting school should be listening to this show They should still be googling how to do a puzzle in a phone. Yeah, exactly. Also, by the way, while we're on the subject of reasons why you shouldn't watch this show, you also shouldn't watch this movie because this is another line that comes out while the old man is talking to the teenager that came by to check out his wood. He says, do you have any interest in doing something this old?

No, he's talking about wood carving, but it just isolated it's way more fun. Also, he has this weird moment, he's showing him all the knives that he's got like six different knives or whatever he showed him all his different knives. And I'm like, this would be the great start to a horror movie. If he goes, if he goes, oh, dropped out of school, huh?

Looks like we need to teach you a lesson. And then next time we see the kid, there's just like, you know, whatever, like one lung is hanging out or something and he's got half a face. That would be fucking awesome. Very cool. I like saw. Yeah, Cliffs wearing the smock, like he's the character

from hostile, like he's the man we're definitely. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But it's not. And instead, this list of six tools impresses this kid that he is now in the wake of a master craftsman. Yes, because he goes like, so there's a carver, there's a chipper, there's a planer, and the kid's like, how'd you learn so much about wood? And he's like, you mean those four words? You just feel like the animal nectar of wood. Yes, yes, I am son. Yeah, yeah

And well, and of course they also have to talk about how awesome Jesus is and praying is Because that's part of Wood apprenticeship and this is where Cliff says you know he's done some bad things in his life And I'm so hoping that we're gonna hear John rats and burgers story about when Shelley long bloom at a golden No luck nice early episodes Diane like it she was asleep I should have known better I should have known better allegedly allegedly

oh shit also uh... uh... I want to point out if in case you're wondering if we'll get all the old timey g-shocks kind of bullshit that we've come to love from these movies at one point Cliff said I could use some help around here now that I've got a hitch in my giddy up yeah he said that in my giddy up someone wrote that down on a piece of fucking paper and paint someone else to say it makes sense if it's a gay porn well no yeah no, yeah, right. Hitch and the Gideop is the gay version

of the puzzle in the thunderstorm. So now we get our first of at least three wood carving montages. Yeah. It's just all, it's so shitty. We're supposed to be looking at it and being like, oh, beautiful, but it just looks like, just like, can't, can't, look, it's a square.

Well, and that's the thing too, because like, look, if they were actually carving something really awesome in intricate or something, these may be interesting, but they're not. It's just like geometric patterns and stuff. It's like you're watching the, you know, the wood carving show and they're like, is the cut to commercial shot anyway also the kid has this great moment where he confesses to cliff he's like cliff I want you to know my dad he's he's prefabricated

before I just want you to know about that he's like get out of my house, but instead the dad realizes that he's at a stranger, strange man's house without telling anyone, but that's not what he's upset about. No. He's upset about him helping with the construction project. Yeah, yeah, it's, yeah, because dad goes off on him, pulls up and goes off on him, and there's nothing in there about like, you can't go to strangers, out buildings and ship full of knives and Restraining equipment without telling us where you're going and shit. It's don't you carve that wood

Right for no reason. He just like doesn't like the idea of his son Carving well, the easy. I don't know it a convoluted way later in the movie They kind of established that dad's partnership is somehow with this construction company is somehow contingent on Cliff not carving the wood in time and then getting a big contract with the pre-fab company, you see. And we're going to learn that about 10 minutes before the end. Yes, exactly. So that's apparently why he doesn't want his son to help him. But the truth of the matter is that if my son was an absolute beginner who needed to be taught everything and I wanted to slow my Competition down that's a great fucking way to do it

It's to send an absolute answer in and be like hey man. Will you teach my kid your craft? While you're trying to do this big job It doesn't speed up the work, but also and I wrote these down back to back on my notes. Okay, so these are all things that the dad says or paraphrases of what the dad says. So, um, don't try to parent my child's stranger that just met him, the bad guy. I don't want my kids slave laboring for you, the bad guy. We'll pay you to not work the bad guy. Yeah. Am I understanding this not work the bad guy. Am I understanding this correctly? The bad guy is the contractor who's rebuilding

the Sunday school at the local church. And the good guy is the wood carver who's holding up the construction. Yes, that's what's happening here. Yeah. Hey man, it's about to be winter. Everything will get wet and this project won't get done till next year.

Yeah, fuck you. I like it. I shine my shoes with spit. Oh, I don't know what it means. You don't know why that's. You want to see what I can do with wood? You know. You're trying to fuck my kid, because that's my territory.

And speaking of which, that's what we get in the very next scene. Dad is showing up. Now, dad and mom are separated. So apparently, dad only shows up at the old house to yell at the kid. Right. And I wrote in my notes at this point you know what I like about this movie it's one third over okay I saw that your notes it was so nice to see I was so comforted by that I'm like oh it is isn't it like by the end of the movie

I'm like it's 149 229 through guys we're almost done yeah Also this in this scene that again this is maybe just a podcast or in me But you can hear the air conditioner in the background of this entire god damn scene. Yeah very clearly It's bothered the shit out of me. I'm even more ironic from a company called shut the gate productions That's what happens when you don't shut the fucking gate She been shut the noise gate pictures and they would have had that down pat But so the dad shows up and he says We need you to talk with you about quitting school. Why were you working with that old man? Is that the big problem with the quitting of school?

man. Is that the big problem with the quitting of school? Right also he walks up to the house and there's like a bag of leaves on the front lawn and this otherwise beautiful pristine mansion is quote unquote falling apart. Oh yeah he's like this place is falling apart without me. He's right everywhere. So yeah basically this guy for this scene got taken aside by the director at the beginning of the shoot and he was like, hey man, one word, yell. Not just this scene, but virtually every scene he's in, he only does angry. I know you're the softer side of Sears, but you're going to need to ramp it up, get angry. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But because yeah, the movie doesn't bother to think like I wonder what they're fighting about or anything like that in Advance of writing the dialogue. It's just like why don't you ever finish your thing? And I've said a sentence you said a sentence

Well, I'm gonna say a sentence where you headed to the beauty parlor and she's like that's so hurtful You know they won't let me in there Don't yell at your mom like that. I learned it by watching you. That's awesome. There's only a moment he says, like, you don't talk to your mom that way, and he goes, like you,

and I was like, I learned it from watching you, Dad. So I learned it from watching you. So, all right, so now we come to Dad and the evil contractor boss. They're sitting in a car across the street from cliff conspiring against him in his damnable hand-carved wood yeah they're doing like a stakeout yeah

well even the point where they've got the little light sitting on the uh... the dashboard that's just their construction lighter whatever but at first you think there's a couple of cops checking them out that's what are i wrote the cops are staking out nope nope not csi would uh... that yeah well and as if that wasn't bizarre enough they immediately after that wrote the cops are staking out nope nope not CSI would just the dad and his wife. Yeah well and as if that wasn't bizarre enough they immediately after that throw you this curve ball the kid is run away and wants to live with Cliff.

Hey man I have met now twice. Yeah I'm can I come live with you and sleep in your woodshed and look here's the thing if this is a love story it makes sense, but it's not so terrifying. Exactly. And so at the very least, Cliff says, I think I'm going to have to call your parents. So his parents come over and they have a fight at Cliff's place about why he should live at Cliff's place. And I got to say, I was glad that there was some yelling in this scene because I was getting sick and tired

All this to date shit with mom and dad so they yell about nothing again Durant this is great moment where she goes now. This is not on my business You go you're damn right. It's not in your business and I was like, but it's in my living room So there is that in my home So yeah, right so clip offers to keep the kid in issue box upstairs you'll poke some holes in it or whatever it's just so fucking weird it's like okay the fact that the kid wants this is is is is completely unexplained it makes no sense in the movie the fact that clip wants this is completely unexplained in the movie

but at any rate yeah so he offers to keep the kid and the parents are just like you know I mean a lot of knives so you get fucked you get fucked the acts up you know yeah I mean, you've got a lot of knives. So, uh, you get fucked, you get fucked. You the ax up, you know, yeah, right, right. What are we gonna do? Have him stay at the church. We know he's gonna get fucked there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. We see it's murder in the woods.

Yeah, right. Learn a skill before you get fucked. And now we get the most awkward, uncomfortable scene in this movie to me. Oh my god. This is crazy. You talking about when the kid walks down stairs? Yeah, for the breakfast scene here.

Now, for some reason, they decided to have the kid and his boxers for this scene. Yeah, because they fucked the night before. Well, right. Because this is a James Randy bio pic and maybe the bad job of the kids. Yeah. This kid. Don't Google that. as they fuck because this is a James Randy biopic maybe the bad job I'm just making up fun jokes I'm just making up fun jokes walks downstairs just dripping with gay sex he might as well be wearing one eclipse

oversized t-shirt small bit of cigarette particular wearing a kimono sape someone crawled out of bed T-shirt, smoke a cigarette, right? It's ridiculous. Wearing a kimono. It's a haze. Someone crawled out of bed. Ah, ah. And it's like, hey, good morning, teenage boy without pants.

Let's have a normal day. Let's see if we break this. It's just, and I wrote down, what would Jesus do? He'd have breakfast with a teenage boy who's not wearing pants. Yes, yes. I wrote down the lessons we learned. The music in this scene, the robot just realized that it too has the power of love. Jesus, the music was so bad in this thing.

So yeah, so they're having this awkward underwear conversation where the kids like or where where clips like, okay, now if you're going to live here, you have to before you do anything, I need you to ask yourself a question. Or you got to ask yourself a question. Or you're gonna make me a promise. Oh yeah, right, right, right, right. I was so sure he was gonna say, don't tell the cops.

But the promise is, J.B.J. Yes, exactly. You see, Jesus came down, Earth, let me stop you right there. I decided to move back in with my mom. Right, well, here's the other thing. The kid has not heard of Jesus.

Like, he's like, Jesus, like the gardener, I think it's Hayzuz. The guy down the street who works at the Smeda Lens, and that's Hayzuz. It's a Spanish name. And then he goes, he says two things that are not true. He says, would Jesus quit school? Jesus quit school. Yeah, he has Jesus for ten days. And then he goes, would Jesus vandalize the church?

Jesus vandalized the church Jesus Vandalize the church The table over people selling stuff and he doesn't like that I was gonna say the kid wasn't violent about it They would be great if the kid was a biblical scoward stood up. It's like oh shit I should have whipped some people while I was there Fuck when you're right my dad I forgot the file It's a little known fact cliffy if you read some Richard carrier you find it your entire life is based on a lie Check it out

Also by the way I felt like I don't like this scene with the kid coming downstairs was improvised like the kid wasn't even supposed to be in the scene It was just cliff making breakfast by himself But the kid just walked in with no pants and started crushing it and the directors going crazy like big thumbs up This is great. I think honestly it just said somewhere in John Ratz and burgers writers and shit at one point this kid will not be wearing pants We will do a scene in this movie where he's in his boxes god damn it I didn't get that out of the last Christian movie I did so yeah, so they bond over some oatmeal and some wood And then we get another wood carving montage where they and more gay sex words. Alright. See how the grain is nice and tight.

And then the kid goes, should I use my fingers? Those are the lines. Somebody is trying to win a movie. I have no comedy for you My comedy is that I went back in time and I created a clone of myself and the clone wrote this movie They never figured it out Holy shit, and then this is where we get some Some backstory with with Cliff where he's talking about his wife. He's like oh christine well she's my heart wrenching back to i mean my dead wife or i

mean my wife she's my wife she was my wife when my parents died i was fifteen and they left me a maple orchard which at the age of fifteen I used to build a house. My wife, who we can assume was around the same age, instructed me rather than getting care for myself to become a woodcarver, which I have done ever since I was 15. Yes, my wife, when I was fit,

yeah, back in Cliffy's dayies day you see they didn't have all these fancy uh... incandescent light bulbs and what not also by the way the music for this scene is now we know i Matthew at Cliffey's house. Also, I know people are really tired of like sponsored content, but I have to point out that mom's costumes were provided by Cover Your Muffin Top Inc. Cover Your Muffin Top.com forward slash Gam. I give you a few percent of the post-order. I use it

Yeah, it was funny cuz like the first I thought that mom was they were doing that thing that they do with actresses Where they make her look all frumpy and unattractive at the beginning of the movie and then they get prettier and prettier some movie She just stayed the same all the way yeah No, no, no, she just stayed the same all the way. Yeah. So yeah, now I'm definitely, I was definitely on the side of the antagonist during this scene because I was definitely in favor of that kid not staying with the lonely, strange man that they didn't know, which apparently makes me the bad guy.

Yeah, because the mom's like, you can't stay here with this stranger forever. And he's like, you're not a real family. And she's like, you know what, fuck you, you can't stay here with this stranger forever. And he's like, you're not a real family. And she's like, you know what? Fuck you. You stay here. I hope you get fucked. He's like, already did. Well, I do want to say in Matthew's defense, being a dismissive bitch to your mom and family is exactly what Jesus did. This true. He recommended, not only did he do it, but he recommended it. So, you know, he's living up to the movie's title,

a little more than they probably think. But I do want to point out that he's doing his schoolwork now, even though he's a high school dropout because Cliff is magic dad. Right. And then mom comes out to have a heart to heart. However, did you do it? Talk with Cliff.

And there's this great moment where she explains that, you know, oh, we couldn't be married, because we, I don't know, no Jesus. And he says to her, Christine and I had something many couples didn't have. And I was like swinging. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I remember watching Christine face down in a pillow while three four men whose names I didn't even know just

I shut streams of jism over all of them and lick them all clean Yeah, Cliff gives us some marriage advice that he says we put ourselves in the hands of the Lord Mm-hmm, and then the Lord killed my wife with body hands You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying and mom's like no, this is very confusing to me I do not see what you're saying well and mom has a moment where she goes Jesus wasn't married and he's like yeah, but the Bible has good advice And I'm like dude the Bible has a part that says, cut your wife's hand off if she use a distraction, HJ.

The Bible is not. The Bible is second only to couplehood in movies and books I would not recommend people read for advice. Well, and also, like, okay, so then right after that, the very next question that she asked is, how can that Bible help my marriage? That thing was written over 2,000, okay, so, then right after that, the very next question that she asked is, how can that Bible help my marriage? That thing was written over 2,000 years ago, and clips like, well, I'm glad you asked, because, and then the kid comes out and interrupts the scene.

Yeah, the kid is the king. But then he never goes back to the exactly exactly. He's like, oh, well, I actually can tell you chapter in verse. Hey, I'm here to say something. Oh, in that case. I'm going to go back in and do my homework. Right. Right. Which they didn't even have anything for them to fucking say. Now, I just want to point out for whatever it's worth, my wife and I have been married. It will be

19 years in Valentine's Day. We have never had a fight 19 years and we don't have Jesus. I'm just going to throw that out because according to this movie, that's impossible. Well, this is another thing too. I'm not married, but all of these movies are like, I don't know, after this many years of marriage, there are bumps and bruises and there are hard times when we didn't love each other and we thought we belonged with other people

and we fought and I hit her and she called the cops put their knee in my back and I wouldn't stop resisting and then they had to check the body cam so I dropped the complaint and it was in all marriages. And literally the biggest fight I've ever had in my relationship. And look, I've been with my fiancee soon to be wife for five years. The biggest fight we have ever had is I laughed at her when she got killed by a bird in zelda the the bible had no solutions for that

the shop in twilight princess that's the solution that's our biggest fight i don't even think my wife and i have had that but yeah right right so now we get, uh, we get Cliffy's Oscar clip. We have first of two Oscar clips. Right. Yes. Yeah. Let me not sell the ending of this movie short, but we get this weird flashback dream memory thing where we go to him with his wife finding out that she had the cancer. Yeah boy do we see why John Ratsonberger doesn't get the meaty rolls. Yeah. He does like this half crying.

Oh, so half talking. He's like, no, he's like, because he's in like, yeah, there must be some kind of a stir. Right. Oh, no, my baby girl. It's like fucking the adlers came back to life to do this whatever you guys are making fun with strong disagree strong disagree cliff cleven with john ratson burger was amazing he was making me cry he is such a good actor

very confusing to me actually i was having a very very emotional reaction at that point well i i got to say he really got me with that very next to me because apparently he he wakes up out of a dead sleep because he can smell that someone is about to burn his water something someone is burning the wood yeah whoever could it be i can't imagine the motivation so yeah they they douse all of the wood they've carved in gasoline and set it a fire. Oh, and then the kid runs out and he grabs the hose he starts to put out and clips like no, no, no kid. It's already gone. It's too late. And it's like no man, you should probably still put out the fire. Your house is there. Everything near you is made of wood. Everything on this

property. You're toilet paper is wood right but then you know you see him looking at the wood and it's all sad and and he really sells it it it was that was a little heart wrenching right and and I guess as we watched the wood that he loves so tenderly smolder into the choking black sort of despair will pause for a respectful moment of remembrance but before we do let me give act three the hard sell here will Ernie carve the wood on time are those really the only stakes this movie has to offer yes but stick around for all the

whittling still to come in the perplexing to properly punctuate adventure that is what would Jesus do to the woodcarver? With two movies under our belts and one more to go that all asked the important question, what would Jesus do? We felt it would be only fair to ask the same question ourselves. So using our Patreon dollars and by going back in time and explaining to ourselves how it worked, we built ourselves a time machine and went back to ask him some questions. So please welcome our guest for today's show Jesus Christ of Nazareth. How are you sir? Who is this woman?

Why do you wear clothes so tight to your body? Yeah, okay, so uh, so he's just holding down there for a second. Yeah, I got it. Sorry. Long hair. I forgot also God damn it. He smells. Yeah, great idea bring a first century nomad into the recording studio. This is lovely. Why do you talk to the fruits of silver? Oh yeah right the microphones. Dude seriously there is no Fibreze that's gonna get this smell out. Does not exist.

Okay okay. No I just breathe through your mouth. Okay so A.D. How do you feel about abortion? I don't know what that word means. He's like wet with grease. What? What's happening? All right, well, while we try to calm the Savior down

and clean them up a bit, I guess we'll get back to the show. Pfft! Help, help! There's a fire! Not to worry, it's me! Pastor man, I look like someone dressed their penis up as a priest. Thank the Christian God you're here, Pastor Man, there's a fire. Have you prayed about it? Never underestimate the power of prayer. Uh, what?

Pastor Man away! Help! Help that burglar is burglary my purple burglar alarm. I look like a pink turd. Have you tried praying about it? Never underestimate the power of prayer! I don't know, he's got my red leather and my yellow leather. Oh man, I know the right decision to make in this inconsequential circumstance, but a combination of cognitive dissonance and indoctrination prevents me from admitting that the answers to these questions are well within my personal moral purview. If only there were a way that I could think thoughts and then attribute the solutions I come to to an unfalible source. What do you think, Pastor Man? No idea. I look like someone pickled Vincent de Nafrio.

All right, we're back and now that the single most influential person in history has had a shower and some weed, I think he's ready to answer some questions. Freaked about the letter for like 20 minutes. He still won't give it back. Yeah, well, you know, fast freaked about the letter for like 20 minutes. You still won't give it back. Yeah, well, you know, fast. All right. So Jesus, first question, and it's a big one that people have been wondering, what was the core of your message? What do you want us to know about how to live our lives?

This, this stick it makes fire. You are gods. Still not gods. Honestly, I just, like this is a lot. I can't I mean I would so this fire stick is not a God. How many hundred men are in this land? It's like eight billion on the planet now. Oh heck of a lot of them want to know what you would do. So what do you want us to know? Well, I hate fags. And we're back to this steamin' turd for another nibble, and as much as I expected,

the post wood burning scene to just open with Cliff hanging by the neck from the rafters, he's somehow managed to pull through and darn it at all the gumshen, he's gonna try to carve that wood on time and he know how. Now to solve the mystery, who had motive? One person. Yeah, exactly. Now here's the thing, this actually would have been interesting if the dad had done it. Spoiler alert, dad didn't do it because that would be a plot. Because if the dad was an arsonistist him getting back together with the mom would be really fucked up at the end of the movie

But it's not him so it's not that interesting, but for now before we found out about that I thought it was interesting. Yeah, yeah, so they have another one of their like You know what would Jesus do moments over the wood together where, you know, they decided that, you know, Jesus would not quit school and that the kid would still be happy and getting educated if the dad didn't hate Jesus so much. And we get a little bit more of the whole, well, we used to go to church, but then, you know, I wanted money so we didn't and then divorce and, you know, kid quitting school.

That's, it's just, that's the formula. Cliff explains to the dad that he's not mad at church, he's just disappointed in church. Yeah, exactly. It's not, it's not church, it's me. And by the way, the music for this scene is, you just unlocked a new level in Wii Sports Resort. Yeah, right. And the message we get here is that Evil corporate overlords and their atheist lumber yards

are killing small town America. Somebody had to say. God, finally. Yeah. But at least another second. What doesn't burn that hot? But I do want to talk about sort of the lot 8 undercurrent of this entire fucking movie Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha more often lost a finger. Those were the good old days. I'm gonna get hurt by this movie. Right in a way that would never happen

with prefabricated wood. Ha ha ha. Fucking industrial revolution ruined everything. Apparently yeah. So then we get Matthew and Cliffey driving around and the kids say, do you think my mom and dad will ever get back together because you know in case you forgot what the stakes were of this movie we wanted to mention that again right uh to which cliffs response is you should pray it. Yep exactly once

again and but i do love how in this movie everybody says that but the prayers never actually do anything and never and nobody ever gets the shit they were praying for right But this also leads us to the boy. I wish I could have met your dead wife Moment where Cliff takes him to the grave so that he can well when he says he goes I wish I could have met her and he goes you want a meter and I wanted so bad for us to have a rose for Emily situation He's like Lock the bedroom door Come on for us to have a rose for Emily situation he's like wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Oh, I want to stop laughing quickly so he'll stop elaborating on that joke. Scrispy, scrispy, scrispy, scrispy. No!

Coddy said norm again. So yeah, so then we come to the Graveyard so they can talk to the dead lady for a little while. And the kid is acting like, you know, he's somewhere in between like occasionally, he's like six years old in this movie, occasionally, he's like 31. Because now he's talking about she's not really alive, is she? You know, like, do you not know how dead works? You're 15. Right. Exactly. Well, because the mythos of this movie needs to be explained so thoroughly that they need to explain the whole talking to the dead people delusion is okay because everybody does it

i guess yeah i i love to at one point he goes uh... does she talk back to you and i want to close about a go christian women don't talk back exactly i don't hold her twice about that wait waiting a truck So and then of course also again, we have to be reminded every two scenes about the steak So the kid actually says out of nowhere. How are we gonna get all of that woodcarved? And you know, I'm thinking not by talking to graves guys, but it's like we're gonna work really hard and pray He goes you think someone we know started the fire and cliff goes the cops can't figure out and I'm like it's the perfect crime

yeah he says well I filed the police report you know me while cut to that scene from a Lebowski yeah we got to work in shifts man whoo Berndger would why would I write a book about the crime I committed that's crazy of course So yeah, so now Matthew runs off home to solve the guy in the hat killed the other guy in the hat crime And this is another instance another great instance of what you were talking about Eli about them giving Christian act movie actors too much time on screen before the scene starts Yeah, because the mom is sitting in the fucking and I'm holding a cup of coffee like at arms length

And arms that's exactly what I wrote in my notes just holding a mug at arms length reading like you do Well, I expected to go. Oh, this is a moving picture. I forgot. I'm sorry guys. I thought we were doing stills I'm so I'm so sorry that We were doing stills. I'm so I'm so sorry that doesn't make the Stapha photography for way much attention Sure you guys don't want me to stand on a scale looking disappointed in myself again for the last time no Thank you for bringing your own scale Hold shake wait

So so yes, we goes out back to the to the shed and dammit if the gas can isn't empty mom's been huffing again or no, I'm sorry dad May have burned the wood and the kids looking at the gas camera like he's looking for his stash Right Like I kept expecting him to finally pull up some stuff and pull out a bag of math and be like okay great never mind never mind It's okay, Mr. Ernest. I can loosen my ass hole up. Just give me 20 minutes in here. Okay. And then he goes to the mob and he's like, well, I got some bad news. I'm pretty sure dad's an arsonist and she's like, that's crazy. That's nuts. Yes. I mean, granted, there are

millions of dollars of lumber money at stake here But dad wouldn't come in a felony over that come on come on realistic and then he asks his mom in the weirdest part of this movie Yeah, ask his mom to help them yeah to come over and help them carve wood so they can get it done on time for free Quit her job. Yes. Yeah, she would have to because she's about to start a new job And she's like I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I can't come over and cut what he's like what would Jesus do? not Quittest I did and the mom looks him in the eyes and she goes honey that question doesn't work for everything And he goes why not and she was like, I don't know here look

Where did germs come from see Jesus would know? Scared of the scared of the words. I'm going to cover my arms and my face right? Don't work for everything. Yeah, so, oh, and then also like we get, again, I don't get these moments in Christian movies. Maybe you guys can help me out here because we get him and Cliff are standing there and they're going like, and he's saying to the clip is like, well, why don't you just

pray that 10 guys show up to help us? And he's like, why not pray for 20 chuckle chuckle chuckle. But like, aren't you just pointing out that your thing is fake? I mean, like it's a movie. Can't you just like ignore the fact that you could just I can explain you see God He's like asking a Catholic girl for a blowjob and you can't do it You can't do it. So if you're gonna ask her for a blowjob You might as well ask her for a puzzle and a thunderstorm You want God to help us out? Well, why don't you just ask God for a golden throne made of bears help us out. Well, why don't you just ask God for a golden throne made of bears? What would you? Just be wait until something good happens, right? You wait until

she gets drunk at her sister's keens in Yara and she blows in the car and then you say that God answered your prayers. I see. Then you ask her, well, she's finishing. I got you. Okay. All right. No, that makes at least as much sense, I guess. You know, it's funny. a blowjob analogy always does it for me. That always clears it right up. Okay, so now- I know. I'm the teacher of sorts.

Oh, by the way, I wanted to mention too, because you did the puzzle in a thunderstorm crossover joke on Skating Atheist. I must have got like 30 fucking people messaging me going, like, I Googled puzzle in a thunderstorm, it didn't find anything. I'm kind of scared to go deep webbing. Try the tour of razzin. Yeah. Do you wait until data gets to reason con. I googled puzzle in a thunderstorm. It didn't find anything. I'm kind of scared to go deep webbing.

Try the toilet rather. Don't worry. You wait until daddy gets to reason con. I'm going to get Tom and Cecil in a bedroom and unlock the door. When we come out, everyone will know what a puzzle on a thunderstorm is and they'll agree that that email from the professor was snarky. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be.

I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be.

I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. was fired from her new job over this. Yeah. What would Jesus do?

He'd get fired from his job so he could do a few days of temp work as a wood car. Free, free temp work. Cliff has not offered to pay anyone. Keep in mind, he's getting paid for this work. There's a contract involved. Right, and also, let's point out, how did that conversation go? Hey, I know I was supposed to start this week,

but I just need an extra week before I start oh sure what's what's the problem I need to help my son Carves and would oh you are fired because you're a schizophrenic got it yeah okay thank you I just want you to know that I'm gonna talk at you in my support meeting it curves through women this week like you're gonna be all I talk about. So and of course old cinematic rule two wood carving montages aren't enough. I was thinking the same thing. I wrote down somebody gets their finger chopped off please fingers crossed because in real life somebody definitely loses a finger in any of the stuff.

Well, especially when you put, yeah, you put two complete amateurs that have no idea what the fuck they're doing in a giant wood carving shop filled with, you know, really heavy pieces of wood and knives. Right. A finger gets lost and some idiot refuses medical attention because that's what Jesus did. Just a flash cut to mom crushed under a beam and then being like, oh, right, that's why it takes a while to

do this. Let it happen. Let it happen. She's going home. Put her next to my wife. Squish, squish, squish, squish. Oh, I don't know that we need to get all back. You like the contrast. You like the contrast? Yeah, I already get the threesome some sometimes you want to go fast sometimes you want to go. Yeah, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, So so now we cut to them all sitting down for supper or Super lunch or whatever the hell they're having and the kids are I love this too like they the writer wanted a cliff in the sun Or the kid to be arguing over the seasoning for the soup and he's going, I think it needs more salt. And the other kid's going, I think it needs more pepper. That's like the level of culinary decisions that they have come up with.

And by the way, Cliff lives inside a cratin' barrel store. Yes, yes. Oh, absolutely. Kebler elves. Weird little gas lights every fucking wear. And then just by coincidence, angry dad shows up just as his whole family except him is about to sit down and eat with this guy. I guess he's showing up to yell at Ernie about the contract again.

And Clip goes outside. He greets the dad and he's basically says like, yeah, I'm having dinner with your family. Would you like to watch me take over your job as a father? I'll show you how it works. And we'll do some cuckold porn later. What? What? Totally down. I mean also I listen, maybe this is just me because I'm filled with hatred. Has anyone ever been invited to dinner when they didn't expect dinner and gone in? That would be a horrified. If I ever walked in someone's to stop and they were like, we're just about to sit down. Do you want to join us for dinner? I'd be like about to sit down do you want to judge for dinner

I'd be like no I don't want to get murdered thanks a lot no you never in my life I'm all the fucked I didn't want to get fucked in my life thanks a bunch yeah and then so after dinner we get mom and dad sitting down and talking this is the first time in the movie where dad will be on screen and not yelling so apparently their love is rekindled. Right. Also, I want to point out at this point in the movie I was so bored that she hands him coffee after dinner and I was like, nice, that's a nice touch because I get together with people for dinner I cook for my friends about once a week and I was like, that's what I

need to start doing like a coffee thing after just completely in my own head. This entire like what happened to us? Well, we let him Jesus, we need more Jesus. I was just like, yeah, like just a nice dessert coffee. Like I should get one of those flavorful, just as all that went through my mind in his emailing notes for the following six minutes. No to sell French vanilla. Yes, so dad and mom are kind of fighting, but you know dad's being he's kind of calm

But he's saying we're saying stuff like you know I know you're behind this new influx of artisanal wood into the lumber market you stupid bitch. I know what happened You would want to you Well, and I love this okay, this is an actual Well, and I love this. Okay, this is an actual exchange that she's like, Jack, what happened to us? And I'm like, I bet it's not enough Jesus. And the very next sentence is her saying, when we stop turning our lives over to the Lord dot dot dot that is the very next sentence. So according to this movie if your parents are gonna get divorced, if're thinking about divorce just go back to church have some dinner or carve some wood everything will be just fine and your abusive husband will eventually learn to anyway yeah.

And now the son who again looks like a classroom skeleton in a blonde wig comes in and has a uh did you kill Jimmy's son's moment and a god won? Just this one time you can ask me about my business. It's not what would Jesus do. It's did you burn my fucking wood, man? And that dad didn't. He's burned the wood. And by the way, on my note here, music. There's a bloody disembodied breast in that box.

What's in that box So fucking creepy the music like the reveal on this no I didn't burn the wood and then we have this big long dad hug over the wood where they just sit And each other's curled in each other's arms on the couch This is bizarre. I mean like wait. I don't know. I'm so 15. I never did. Okay. Anyway And then uh, oh and then we get to the weirdest goddamn thing that happens in this entire fucking movie. Oh, the, uh, the, can you go back to school here? You know how those schools love those high dropout rates and want to protect those at all costs. Right. So if you drop out of school and want to come back, apparently you've got to go before the goddamn Senate committee on fucking going back to school. We're gonna break you like a fucking supreme court justice over whether or not you deserve to go back to public school.

Is it public school? Because if it's a private school, I guess I understand. Don't you give this, don't you give this don't you give this movie out? But that's the thing okay, but if it was a private if it was a private school then he could just go to public school from right That's the thing if if this school says no He has a right to go to school. There's no stakes. He can go to school wherever he wants So he comes in and there's this fantastic moment in this scene that I absolutely have to talk about where he's they're like I don't know if we can let you back into school and he goes well And the kids like blah blah blah, but he remembers something goes what you saying goes wwjd What would Jesus do and in the most earnest

Heart-felt line of this movie goes. I know what that stands for heart-felt line of this movie goes I know what that stands for yeah no I know that is the thing on the break this is the dumb thing that the Christian today anyways you're a vandal who dropped out of school and maybe a little fire right right yeah exactly and just when it looks like it's not gonna go his way at all Ernie shows up to save the day and he gets to talk in this thing too because why the fuck not? At this kid's private hearing of what? Your Honor, I'd like to interrupt.

None of us are judges. This is insane. But he gives this heartfelt talk where he's like, hey, this 15 year old's been living with me an older man for a few weeks now not negay way. I mean, maybe probably if he wants to I mean we haven't ruled that out. Right. Exactly. That's not the point. Right now we just cuddle puddle. It's it's no problem. So he said he gives this speech about what a good kid he is and in a normal movie the character goes you know what I'm gonna give you another chance but instead he goes no I don't think i'm gonna give you another chance so cliff goes blackmail blackmail right and it's the dumbest fucking blackmail you can imagine you know i remember back when you and i went to this school somebody

turn the water on and left it on and flooded the whole school and he got a second chance and went on to become you so maybe you should have like like really right that's all you could come up with you couldn't you I mean come on have some kind of balls that's the horrible thing that clip has on the principle is that he flooded the school is like you know I remember that Norwegian prostitute and I know okay yeah I go to school school hey look who's the valedictorian so okay so now now we go back to uh... to dad's work

where once again they're plotting against earnus and is damn noble would but that is having like a crisis of conscience now because he's not really sure if he wants to have secure income and money if it means that Ernie doesn't get to carve the wood for this church you can see how that would Conflict the person the evil lumber magnate So and so basically dad says well, you know what? I don't give a shit I quit whatever because all Christian movies are about how working is bad

Right, because what are you gonna watch at home after you lost your job? Call your wife into the living room. You see? Just like that you got drunk and jerked off in the bathroom Same thing I'm not saying anything, because I want to talk about my family. That's why. So yeah, right. So he decides to drop out of this construction partnership and four go, these tens of thousands of dollars of additional income to help his family out.

But this is right when the boss admits that he's the one that burned Ernie's wood. He's like, you know, this partnership went up in flames, just like that wood I arsoned earlier in the film. But, you know, like they act like this is a reveal, but that's the only other. Right. Who else would, I wanted it to be cliff. That would be a reveal, just like,

oh, there you go. It was me. I just wanted you to stay at the house more. He's me, kiss me like I'm dying. He's me like it's the last time. And we got a bond over some more sawdust here. So we kept back to Ernie and they get at the shop with mom. Oh no, this is where we get the big conversation about his son. Right. He and his son fought and then his son went to the army and died of the army

he army died of the old army death month later he was dead of the dying death didn't see it coming yeah clips wife died of all the cancer and uh... also his son ran away joined the army and got killed yeah exactly and then he says something about how all sons need their fathers which is why all the cancer and also his son ran away, joined the army and got killed. Yeah, exactly. And then he says something about how all sons need their fathers, which is why lesbians shouldn't get married.

And the last part was just implied. But then dad shows up to help him carve wood too. And here's how dad does that. He picks up a piece of wood. He puts it on a table. He measures it. He picks up a piece of wood. He puts it on a table. He measures it. He measures it. The wood that he's about to start carving. And then he grabs a knife and starts carving. Yep. He's like, I want to make sure that I'm I'm

carving three feet of wood. There's no instruction. There's no nothing. He doesn't know what they're doing. He doesn't know what they're working on. He just starts working on the wood. And everyone has a nod like, yeah, he's on our side. That's perfect. That's perfect. You got three woods done already. Great. Great.

Keep doing that. And by the way, this may have been my last musical note, but I have written here. It's my favorite. Music. You're getting a lap dance from a Latin woman you'd rather not see naked. I was the music that we got that one.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much no i'm really i make sure all my cell phones going off it's on super gentle vibrate here's a tip just go back to behind the bar with the whole perfect so now the whole damn family is carving wood together all

slaving away so that cliff can have money that they don't get any of you know because the family that carves together stars together and the lack of safety measures that you've noted throughout this movie and we haven't really talked about this but throughout the movie like people are wearing goggles they're not wearing gloves he doesn't tell the kid any safety precautions before he hoists a 400 pound beam you know all of this other shit, but eventually you knew this was gonna come back to haunt him and it does. When the kid stabs fucking cliff in the leg to the hill.

I was so happy. I was so happy. Yes! No figures cut off but Cliff gets stabbed in the leg. Perfect. And this scene is totally meaningless. Right, no, there's no reason for this to happen at all. It's not that he's just like, eh, you're stabbing the leg, it's fine, it's fine. I'm not really here. I thought, here's how crazy I am.

I thought that he was going to die of the stab wound. Yeah, because he gets up and very mysteriously goes, well, that's all the curve I'm gonna do. Yep. And I was like, oh, he's gonna die. He's gonna like go inside the door. Well, he's gonna, they're gonna come in and find him dead. I thought the exact same thing was gonna happen. Okay, okay, okay, but like that would make more sense from a storytelling perspective than

that not actually having any meaning later though wouldn't it? I mean like like this would happen which is just like a stab me on fun. Yeah right right that's what I'm saying like this movie would make more sense if that happened and it didn't so yeah because they're like oh you know should be taking it to the hospital I was like no you know it didn't hit a tendon or it's just a flesh wound you know and so they don't take him to the hospital. I said no, you know, it didn't hit a tendon or it's just a flesh wound You know and so they don't take him to the hospital He just whatever breaks the fucking chisel off in his leg and keeps going. Yeah, I got seven chisels in there Yeah, yeah, he says well, it didn't hit a tendon or an artery

I'm like yeah, those are the only bad things that can happen when rusty pieces of metal are shoved four inches into your meat You could pretty much get stabbed everywhere except the tendon in an artery and you're totally fine Yeah, just need to wrap your leg and string you find the rust inside of the rust on the the chisel will will kill all the bacteria The form yeah exactly so so yeah, so he wanders away and The so now the family and at this point. I'm thinking maybe this is just his scam, right? This is how he gets his wood carved, you know Find some broken family or whatever suckers the kid in or whatever and wrote and then he's like, oh, you know I got stabbed in the leg. I can't can't carve so I guess you guys are gonna have to finish this job up

Which is exactly what they fucking do stabbed in the leg, I can't, can't carve. So I guess you guys are gonna have to finish this job up, which is exactly what they fucking do. Which they do. And so we cut to the big day. Mm-hmm, yeah. This is the day, the, the, the, the, the due date for all of the wood. And the evil contractor is showed up with his,

his pre-fabricated wood. Oh, sorry. And not so fast. I've got this shitty wood that me and this broken family carved together And Cliff He delivers like six pieces of wood. That's it. That's it's like less than you could put it so little wood Less than you put it back in the pickup so it was either that his six pieces of wood or a Huge flatbed truck of like pallets

or a free-fab devil wood. Those were the two options. Well, that's because you have to use a lot of the abortion wood to make up for the awesomeness of that. But basically, he's got like, like 98 Puerto Rican babies. So, but that's the thing is the, okay, so basically what this movie is showing you

is that the stuff that Cliffy has managed to carve here is the kind of stuff that you can churn out in like 14 minutes if you had like a laser laser something you know. So I was honestly when Clif got out of the fucking truck I so wanted him to have had to like na off his own leg to get it done on your own. Exactly exactly. A stump in his car is whittled his own fucking crotch or something Bear trap. I'm also awesome. The cops show up to arrest the bad guy for arson Well, well, yeah, for because the dad said I'm pretty sure that when he said that go up in flames thing Now keep in mind. Okay, this is what the dad knows all right I don't want to get too technical with this movie's plot

But the dad says or that the boss said to the dad this partnership went up in flames just like Ernie's would. Based on that the dad assumes that the boss did it. Well, of course, everybody knows that Ernie's would got burned, so that's not an admission. But based on nothing but that and the dad's secondhand account of that, the cops are showing up and putting this guy in handcuffs right and the back of a fucking pre-cup car so yeah so evil arson boss is arrested uh I should explain the arson boss last name is avery and this is in manatee county so that makes so much more sense now so uh now angry dad doesn't have a job and the priest doesn't have somebody to finish a Sunday school So Ernie and the dad decide that they'll finish the Sunday school and

Together and then Cliff gives him a knife. Yeah, there's the kid a knife. Oh, yeah, right, right And it says I'll show you how it works when it comes back over But I also wanted to point out that like if you get arrested, um, that doesn't like automatically nullify contract. Your company dissolves. The incident. Yeah, exactly. Well, you're in the car there.

And then he, and then Cliff, thanks the, uh, the son for all his good work in helping him carve the wood. And then the movie ends except it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn doesn't and it's fucking amazing It's the most bizarre fucking shit right yeah, so you know how the best way to end a movie is a Cemetery weeping yep, yeah, so did they yes Is spell binding spell binding as the cemetery weeper at the end of the night and he talks it's just nine hours of him improvising with a rock

you're like hey you got a lady bug on you what the fuck is that literally random shit to say and then the last lines of this movie the last lines of this movie are i miss you so much he was talking about shears so he was clearly i mean i expected him to just say like are the cameras are not still running are they uh... would i mean because that would be bizarre you guys that this was the rep party

it's probably that was cemetery is. It was kind of weird. It was just the rap party. It's like, you know, when the dog gets the bad disease and when the actor winds up in this many Christian movies, we just, you know, for his own say. Tell me about the Jesus cliff. Tell me about Jesus. It's perfect.

It's in a cemetery. So, you know, everybody's name. Right. All right. Now, that end, that's the end of this stupid fucking movie and if this podcast has taught me anything It's to never use superlatives when discussing Christian movies. There will always be a worst There will always be a more boring which means that there will be a movie With an even less exciting precept than carving wood. That is a guarantee.

And if it's not out there already, well, damn it, we found a niche that needs filling. So what do you guys think? We're looking for a Christian movie about a profession even less interesting than wood carver. Looking for a title and an elevator pitch. You guys got anything? All right. Well, I'm switching it over to Jewish actually.

Okay. So it's called Sabbath Goi, Saturdays with Mori and it's the epic tale of a teenage boy who vandalizes a synagogue and gets sentenced to operate light switches for an old Jewish man during Shabbos. Riveting. You don't know how serious a punishment that is until you've tried to operate a juice air conditioning system. Yes, it's not cool, it's cool. There's only, it's up or down. What do you want from me?

This is how everyone gets convinced to kill you four times a century just so you know. Oh, okay. I'm going to stick with Christianity. I'm going to go with, what would Jesus do for the paint dryer? A young troubled man who finds out he's gay gets taken under his wing by a Catholic priest and they watch paint dry together while they live together. It would be a pretty appropriate sequel. All right, well, I guess that's going to do a forever review of what would Jesus do to and they're a while they lived together. That would be a pretty appropriate sequel. All right, well, I guess that's gonna do a forever review

of what would Jesus do to the wood carver, but that's not gonna do it for the episode quite yet because the just that damn apocalypse doesn't happen every fucking week, which means there's gonna be another week next week. So Eli, tell us, what's on deck? And please don't say, what would Jesus do three? It's not what would Jesus do three it's not what would Jesus do three

it's what would Jesus do the journey continues with Lorenzo Lamis yeah yeah they just keep going up and acting skill here uh... but our drifter is back and he's not hurting anybody yes yes right now i think it're just going to return. Oh, God, I hope he hurts somebody in this movie. This movie appears to be about two brothers

who move to an abandoned church in a bad neighborhood when one of them is murdered by a homeless drifter who is the not the not Peter Tinkley, different homeless. No, he doesn't hurt anybody. Who is the father of two troubled youths? All of whom need Jesus? Right.

I'm amazed that you got that into one rambling sentence. Yeah, I honestly, I looked at the preview and I was just like, this is about us needing another movie next week. Pretty life, that's just. Who are we going to skip a bunch of weeks and then do this? No, no, no, no, no, just. Who are we going to skip a bunch of weeks and then do this one? No, I got to throw it on the rope. So with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 23 to a merciful close.

Once again, huge thanks to the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating atheists,

and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slattnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear more by following links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right on the Eli Bosnick? I'm No Illusions Promise and to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Don't you look good about it. I'm a model man, I'm a model man, I'm a model girl. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Wizarding World and create seven horror cruxes out of wood. Mom and Dad eventually lost custody to Matt when CPS realized that they had both quit their jobs to help out with community service and are very much still divorced. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha