God Awful Movies - 230: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

This week, Callie Wright of the Queersplaining podcast joins us to discuss the fifth installment in the Star Trek franchise, in which Kirk et al meet god, and therefore get to be on our show. --- Come see God Awful Movies live in LA! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-la-tickets-86927786349 If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

There are so many set like like when they're in the elevator there and and Kirk's like I could really use a shower It's like yep Yeah, you should be the few more and use the shower you wouldn't have done that I let it me my believe you were him Shatner before we had more in an elevator together You need a shower are you fishing for smell compliments? Stop saying cut gene. I don't care OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who's a lot like Miles Davis. I know. I have no idea. Bill Shatner. Okay. The Miles Davis of talk. I get it. And I love it. I love Shatner talking. Awesome. Yeah. Pause. This work great. And sitting 900 miles to my north. East is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how

are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing, Noah. William Shattner made it onto God off of movies that I've never been happier. It's about fucking time, yes. And of course, also joining us tonight, we have a special guest, master guest, the host of the Queer Splating Podcast, Kali, right? Kali, welcome back. I'm so excited to be here. And I love loved Star Trek my entire life. And this whole thing feels so incredibly wrong to me, but I'm doing it anyway. Well, it's the thing we had to bring in a special guest, Trekkie, right? Like, you know, we're like, I watch some Star Trek. He lies a little bit of a Star Trek fan, not really

sure about Heath so much, but we needed an actual genuine Trekkie. So you were the first person we called. Gosh, I appreciate that. That makes me feel good about myself or bad about myself. All right. So obviously we've hinted around about it quite a bit, but tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Star Trek V, the final frontier.

I think the V is about the necks of most of the universe. And it's the story of the heaven's gate cult, but in space instead of suburban California. So, fun time. Yes, it is. It Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love Star Trek, but you hate to see all that B-roll go to waste, you will love this movie. This movie is less Star Trek and more Star Slug. If you know what I'm saying. Okay, so given our audience, I feel like we should sort of establish our relative levels of trekkiedem before we go any further.

And I'd like to do that from most trekkied at least. I believe that starts us with Cali, correct? Vemouche hot. We're speaking trickies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm going to fuck everybody. I'll go last apparently.

So I had to go. So yeah, Star Trek's been like one of the most important things in my life since I was a kid, so I'm really excited to be tearing it apart today. Awesome. Right on an Eli, I believe you come in second, right? I'm not much of a trekking myself. Yeah, I've seen all the good shows and a few of the bad ones. Okay.

And I'm not going to say which is which because I want my Twitter to survive 2020 or I'll fucking kill you. You're going to be at your house next weekend. So exactly. That's true. All right. So here's the thing. I was never really a Star Trek fan.

I watched the next generation a little bit. My dad was a big trekky. My sisters were both big trekkies. I went to like one or two conventions. So like I've observed trekkies in their natural environment and stuff. I was just never one of them myself. I feel like I could make it from one, like I could like, you know, whenever I could be a spy that pretended to be a trekkie for a day, I think I could make it through that, but that's about where I met with it. And he's, for obvious reasons, she'll be going last on this one.

Yeah, I've, I've never seen a full star Trek movie until now, technically. And I've never watched an app like I've never seen a full trek, but I did enjoy this. I enjoyed watching this movie mostly because of Shatner because he does a bunch of stuff in it. He talks and like has to do things, but I loved it. I will need to ask a bunch of questions probably directly to Callie throughout in order to keep me on the same page with y'all about maybe answer in English would be great. It's going to be questions like that. No promises. My best worst was almost best, best realization that he's had no idea what the fuck was going

on. And in two days, I get to explain the movie Cats to Noah. That's how excited I am about today's episode. Yeah, so hey, if you're not a patron and you don't get the monthly secular bonus episodes, maybe consider signing up this month. We will be doing cats. Okay. Before we even get into it, just first background question for Cali, what is a star trek like do they measure the main characters? What's the background setting here? Yeah, that's the general idea. World War three happened and then the Vulcans came and then everyone's friends. What was a Vulcan? You should know you've

seen this movie at least, right? Yeah, come on, Heath. Okay. Spock, I think, was a Vulcan, right? Yes. Okay. So the villain, yeah. Okay. So Vulcans are a strong disagree on NACA being the villain. We'll get there. How do you? So Vulcan is the, well, you got the up pointing eyebrows and ears and you're like on the spectrum. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. There are one of the races with the up pointing ears and the eyebrows. Romulans also. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Big it. But yeah. They, I like the Vulcan a lot. They're delightful. Spock, especially, just, okay, big it. But yeah, I like the Vulcans a lot. They're delightful. Spock, especially just his like, you know, anti-social over logical behavior is delightful. All right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I started to

hint at it. I'm going to go with best worst, best, best William Shatner sweating And also this whole cast of fucking 80 year olds trying to be space cowboy It's so good like for everyone who watched this in the 60s and 70s This was like that sad Yankees old timers game, but not for baseball A franchise and you know you're like yeah, Red Jackson. Cool. Mr. O'Kdoy Andy heard himself. He's, oh, man. He's vomiting. He's vomiting a lot. Not even jogging around those bases, huh? Not even. No, he's rolling. I'm right to help him out. I'd say it's the best worst at convincing me to remain a Star Trek fan. Yeah. I get it. There's a movie where Star Trek goes back in time to save the whales that looks damn coherent by comparison.

I mean, that was a good one, dammit. It was. I'm good. I was going to go with best worst space lightning. Okay. I was sitting here for so long trying to figure out the logistics of this goddamn great barrier and what it was and where it was. Yeah. Alright, that one pissed me off in order. It's like the ice around the earth now. I'll read a book. Watch a documentary. What's your documentary and I was gonna go with best best God Not gonna spoil anything, but just best best God. Yeah, no and technically by the end of this this totally counts as a game movie Oh, absolutely all right Well, if there's one thing fans of the original Star Trek are used to its pauses So I'm sure they're gonna forgive this one, but we'll be back soon with all the guy on guy porn setups that never materialize of Star Trek 5. The final frontier.

Um, Mr. Roddenberry. Hey, hi, yes. Kali, come on in. Where, um, where you asleep? What? No, I was in a What? No, no. I was in a deep, vulcan trance. Got it.

I just wanted to check in and see how the script for Star Trek V was coming along. Oh, shit. It's great. It's done. Actually, yeah, it is done. I just have to type it up. Oh, great. Well, what's it about?. Well, what's it about?

It's What's it about? Well, I'll tell you what it is about. It's about Brother Spock has a brother isn't he an outcast? Half brother through marriage. Didn't let me finish. Okay, and what does he do? He has the power to fill you with regret. Spock's brother has the power to fill you with regret. Yes, he does.

Like if you let your dad die, or if you invented a groundbreaking television show, but then nobody ever let you read anything, but that for 40 years, he shows you that. Just as an example, as that's my example. I got to tell you, Jean, this movie seems a little half-assed. What half-assed? What? Yeah, it's just, Star Trek has always been so groundbreaking and controversial.

This kinda seems like treading water. Not sure how people are gonna like that. Okay. Uh, that's fair point, but you didn't let me finish because at the end of the movie, they kill God. Who kills God? Everyone, all the Star Trek's kill God. They kill God.

Wow, well, I take it back, Mr. Ronberry, still on the forefront, per usual. Who kills God? Everyone, all the Star Trek's kill God, they kill God. Wow, I take it back, Mr. Rod and Barry, still on the forefront, pretty usual. Exactly, thank you. Uh, hey, Callie? Yeah, Gene. Did I ever tell you about the time that I was- You were in a plane crash? Yeah, Gene, you were in a plane crash. Almost died.

Did you? No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Almost died. Did you? No. Hey folks, I'm just cutting in here with a quick heads up. We had a little bit of problem with Heath's audio for this next segment. So for a little while, it's going to sound like maybe he's far away and standing at the bottom of a giant toilet. We apologize for that. It won't last the whole show and we appreciate your patience. And now back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on the desert planet, Nimbus III, where an old guy is digging holes

to keep his steam in, I guess. Anyway, old guy is drilling into the dirt and then like a burlapap none on a horse approaches him. Okay, and just want to throw this out here at the outset. A little ode to Eli's optimism before any of this movie happened. My first note was hope y'all are ready for all of my notes to be yay because I fucking love Star Trek. I will not have any more. I had to have bunchies and I didn't love so yeah right right no if it's not raping something you love this movie's much

better. So this guy's coming up on a horse and the old dude whole digger guy grabs his rock gun thing. Yeah I'm I feel like the special effects budget is very well summarized by the 23rd century potato gun. Yeah, all the weapons in the whole movie are like, they look like homemade paintball guns at best. Yeah, the guy who like put it together, he's no about to like pressure of the tube of PVC. It's, I don't want to hear your explanation of your homemade gun. No.

And desert guy, the one who grabs the gun at first, his teeth are like all rotten, but I thought he was wearing braces. So I wrote in my notes, it's like I wear braces because you can't not associate braces and like not having enough water. Yeah, right. No. No. So a question I have as Burlap Jesus for a little while

until they give him his name. So Burlap Jesus comes up and he starts talking to this dude about like overcoming his pain or whatever. The guy goes like, what do you know of my pain? And he's like, well, you know, I see that you're just digging holes in the middle of a desert. So I've got, well, you know, I see that you're just digging holes in the middle of a desert. So I've got an idea, you know, that's the start was here.

So I have, I have our friend as low rent Sean Connery. Okay. Which by the way, they did want Sean Connery for that part. That absolutely works on both levels. Sure they wanted a lot of things. Yeah. That means somewhere there is test green footage of him going, schmock,

what do you mean it's just an ash? And I kind of felt like they weren't negotiating a BDSM scene. Yes. Yes. We're about to find out. Right. Actually, they were. So yeah, so like I don't know, he, he, he releases his pain or is there some supposed to be some mystical shit going on? The key is though that burlap Jesus wants golems, grandpa to join his holy quest, right? I just, yeah, I wrote down gathiest manifesto episode negative 432. But yeah, burlap Jesus guy just, he's like talking about we religious culty stuff already and he's talking about the ultimate knowledge and then they're like desert whole digger guys like oh

you're looking for the ultimate knowledge let's just start simple do you have any floss? I There are so many things I need before ultimate knowledge Dude just gonna throw that out for one of time. I just because he's like wants him to join so kind of holy cuz I wanted This guy to like react like people actually react to missionaries Hello friend oh Hey, I have come with good news about Oh, hey, I have come with good news about Shakari. Oh, no, no, thank you. You see each man has a secret to you.

So sorry about this. I'm going to stop you right there. Not interested, but thank you. I guess, you know, enjoy doing that somewhere else. Could I maybe leave some literature about Shakari you and to read later when you have time. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you can do something. All right, are you going to throw all of this out? I'm super duper going to throw it out. Yes, right there. First garbage, I see. But unfortunately, that is not how it works out.

But unfortunately, that is not how it works out. Yeah, and then our golem friend gets really excited and sticks his fingers up his nose, which is what you do. Yeah, I missed that. That's weird. I'm not entirely. He covers his face with his hand in shock and amazement, and his two fingers literally get right up to his nostrils. Because I pick my nose when I'm that excited. I don't know why you guys.

It was brilliant. It doesn't happen. So, and then okay, and then I know what we're getting into. I've seen most of this movie before. I walked out before it was over, but I've seen most of this movie before, but still it doesn't fucking matter because when the title comes up and the music starts getting playing I get excited as fuck, right? Yes, yes, oh I'm I never watched a full episode or a full movie, but I knew this music very well and I got pumped yeah So the Nishel Nichols as part of the cast and I was like, yes, I know who she is too Yeah, yeah, I don't have is too. Yeah. Yeah, I don't

have a joke. I'm just a nerd. I like this part. Shut up. All right. So now we open in justimity and check out this clever word play. Will you we open on William Shatton or climbing L capitan? Got it? Because he's the get out. Yeah. Hey, got to give it to Star Trek's optimism, thinking there's going to be national parks and 6000. It's not six thousand. It's only a couple. Yeah, like 300. Yeah. Oh, it started 8,454.1. That's, that's like 300 years into our future. 2300 something. Yeah, I believe that's when this is three hundred years into our future twenty three hundred something. Yeah, I believe that's when this is but this movie is supposed to be sad. Yeah. What is it? What is the zero of star dates? Is there like a reason for that?

That's literally never been explained in canon. That's so stupid. Yeah. That's great. Because you know someone has been like, all right, we should explain what star dates are and someone else a series of someone else has been like, no, fuck you, Steve, there are 7,000 episodes of this thing and there's going to be a mistake in one of our- Exactly, exactly. That's the thing. Jesus, they could have used this. They could have used it right here.

But that's the thing, there's no way to explain it that's going to make sense going back to everything they've ever done with it. There's so much in Star Trek that they're like, no, we can't because there's, we can't explain that now. Do you want to go back and watch the original series? No, I don't want to go back and watch the original series. They were not explaining what star date means. All right. So and then we watch Shat and our climb El Capitam. By the way, we get more of this goddamn climb that we did in free fucking solo. A man is about climbing L. Copy down. Jesus. And by the way, this is so amazing. Thank you to whoever pointed this out on the IMDB trivia. You can see L. Copy town in the background when you think of do the close-ups of William Shatter climbing the bullshit fiberglass

thing that he's uh, mm- he's, is like the most distinctive peak in the fucking. The only thing that they couldn't show that we messed up is being there climbing the shows. Still, to be fair, this is a worthy goal. I mean, William Shander's going to be the first to climb El Capitan in hammer pants. I'm pretty impressed. I just kept thinking about how much I wanted those shoes. Because they're kind of like Robin Hoodie kind of, but also kind of like future B-boy thing.

I don't know. Whatever they are. Like wrestling shoes a little bit too. Okay. So, I don't know. I wanted Spock shoes. I mean, if we're going to be talking about one, people shoes. Yeah. right. Yeah. So as he's climbing, uh, Spock shows up with some flying

rocket boots to be like, this is fucking stupid. You can just fly. He's the best. Yeah. Captain Kirk for the record is getting a two way heckle. He's getting a close up heckle from Spock and then a heckle from the ground by bones. Yeah, right. He's just on the ground by bones. Yeah, right. Just on the ground being like, no, as a doctor, this is stupid. I want to come back up the boat. And bones is wearing the most fabulous fucking necker chip. I just want to throw it out there.

It's a whole lot of ass hot asshole. It is an ass hot. It is an ass hot. Thank you. You know, this is why I just used the term Kravad. It's all encompassing. The aspect of bold choice for hiking around your semidigame. I like.

I like both the most being, you know, being that courageous with his fashion. Normally that requires no neckwear at all. Yes, he does. That's his hiking. That's God. Damn it. It, he does. That's his hiking. That's God, damn it. It's his hiking. That's God. Well, and then there's the something.

Okay, so Spock distracts Kirk so much that he falls, right? He falls off the mountain face. And then we suddenly have to remember all at once what special effects were like in 1980. Oh, you could just see the wires and the fat guy pulling them on the other side of the set. It was a better time, a magical time. So, but luckily for him, spot catches him right before and like inches before he hits the ground in the most comical a voice. And by the way, the stick is so thick that when he catches some

Kirk looks up at bones and goes, you know, mind if we drop in for dinner, like that's the level of humor we're going to get in this fucking movie. Okay. Yeah. I also love how the rockets don't have to be firing downward suddenly. I'm excited. I'm a big fan of that. Yes, you're like an eight point turn before you have to go. I was like, oh, okay, time. Did I turn it back? God. All right.

So meanwhile, on Desert Shit Planet, we check in on a most eyesley rip off called Paradise City, where we pan into this alien strip club where there's a three boob to cat stripper and wet billiards. I don't, but they're so not fucking try in here. It's a great set. Yeah. This scene has me even more convinced that they actually really wanted to make a star track porno.

Yeah. It's like trailer park most IZLY has all the things. There's cat women, there's someone wearing chains, there's a bald guy with horns. Yeah. Like it's chasing all the boxes. Well, I mean, 80s bars on other planets apparently looked pretty much like 80s bars on earth. Like it's very similar. It's something for university.

Yeah, but I loved it like the writing process at some point was like, all right, it's got to be different, right? We're in space, what's going to be different here? And somebody was like, the pool table would have water? Like, you know, like a pool, like it's pool pool table. Is it? Okay, that's it, that's all in it. But I totally got this planet all of a sudden.

This planet is Federation Star Trek's Vegas, right? Like the scenery sucks. Sure, but you get a three boob for a stripper. You're not there for the scenery. All right. So what we're seeing here, like, like, there's this Romulan that's coming through. So apparently this is a planet that was supposed to be like, where all of the races were going to live in peace. There's a Romulan representative, a Klingon representative, and a human representative. And they're all meeting together in the back room to have some cigars or something, right? And, Kelly, maybe you can relate to this, but as someone who truly, truly loved this

sort of like planet of peace series, as it appeared in the Star Trek show. This is kind of like fight. The fact that this uses the planet of peace in this movie is kind of like if all of Lord of the Rings had been leading up to a TGI Fridays where all the dwarves and elves were not together. There's like 20 really good episodes about the show about creating this. And then this movie is just like, I don't know space Vegas. People dig holes. Are you happy? Ultimate drinks. There's a lot of good stuff going on in T.J. Fairfax. For a shade.

Oh, yeah, that's exactly it. All right. So, but just as they're meeting in their smoke filled back room, burlab Jesus comes at the head of an army to take over the city. But here's a thing. The city's not locked up. No. Right? Like they could all just walked in, but instead they like run in like they're raiding it and everybody's like that would be like us raiding a Walmart, right?

Like it's open. It's just open, right? Yep. In fact, they have to close the gate so that they can knock it down. Yes. In fact, they have to close the gate so that they can knock it down. Yeah. Close the gate. People are coming into our open planet of peace. Man, in context, this scene really doesn't hold up.

Yeah, and I love that in this, in this scene, Star Trek is doing that not so vaguely racist thing. It does a lot where it has like these people are different. So they're going to chant this random weird, obviously not English shit to let you know that these are the bad guys. Yes. Uh-huh. And what's perfect is this movie is just on the cusp of get it, Klingons.

And no, we meant Klingons were cool the whole time, which is like a transition that Star Trek made relatively smoothly. But this is this beautiful middle area where they're like, look at the Klingungs and the Shouting, Shouting Brown people. Yeah. The Klingon portrayal is crazy. You're saying they've fixed it?

This is better than it used to be. This is them fixing it. It's episodes 99 through 104 of camp. No, they're like, yeah, it is super racist. I'm not sure against whom what group, but it's definitely somebody. This is anti-sub, they look ridiculous. It looks like they all just had a cigar explode in their face. Just more. If that you're the one who's right, that's just what Klingons look like. Okay. So just that's

your racism. You're saying just that's your racism. Is that just saying something that's true to that? So Vulcan Jesus kidnaps the Romulan and the Vulcan and the human, the representatives of the various governments. All right, that's the fucking inciting incident in this film. And then we introduced the new enterprise because I'm assuming in the last movie, they blew the enterprise up again because that's the only thing they can think of to do in these fucking movies. I don't remember well enough to know what happened.

So very emotional time for some of us guys. Some of us have been said every time the ship blows up. Okay, ship one. One other thing on the like racism. So the Scottish guy is named Scotty and like the Czech Slovakian guy is right before the breakup. His name is Chekhov, right? Like it's so lazy. Just an Asian guy, they were like Asian noise. Sulu, that's a. I mean, like, I was called darky on a bunch of drafts and they were like, all right, you're in trouble. Yeah, the first note that I have for the scene is get it. People with Scottish

accents use funny words to describe things. Yeah. Look, I'm standing my ground right here. This is where my progressivism ends. You cannot take Scotty away from that. He makes funny noises. He runs into things. It's all on what on what left you've taken everything else. Yeah. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, right. Everything on the ship doesn't work. This will be, I don't like it's, they set it up like it's going to be a source of comedy later. Really is just there because having a transporter fucks

up almost every possible idea for a plot and they have to get rid of, right? And also Shady has to be in the movie. Well, that's true. Yeah, that's true. You have no other function in the film. That's just a good point Yeah, that's true. He has no other function in the film. That's just a good point. But what's amazing about this is they commit the cardinal sin of Star Trek, which is never try to explain the Star Trek. So Scottie's just wandering around with a vaguely wrench-shaped object of art, a cadavering, rar various pet like he, there's not even a wrench. He's not even wrenching.

Yeah, he's doing like the cooking mine hip hop did. It's nothing. He's doing stuff near other stuff. That's fixing stuff. Yeah. Panels are changing from red to green and he's like, sure, why the fuck? These lights don't blink in sequence. How are you doing the screen? I feel like that's completely unreal. I'm thrilled. Scottie.

He's just sweet to we cut over to Scotty and he's spinning two wrenches like point. This is far the air conditioning. Somebody just Scotty Molly. Don't do that. So we're on top giving Scotty Molly. Don't do that. Oh, we're on top giving Scotty Molly. All right, so speaking of which, Ohorah shows up and we get to watch them have lunch together. I guess they're setting up a love interesting or maybe that was already set up. I don't know.

I thought she was fucking Kirk last I heard. I just have a little idea. But Ohorah wants to make it super clear that she would absolutely fuck Scotty right there on that instrument panel, even with all the techies watching, they're just red shirts, they ain't gonna last long anyway, but they don't. Again, this movie is full of my kinks. Oh, are you into the camping kink thing that we're about to get to? I'm pretty excited about that. Oh, absolutely. And I'm stronger on that 100%.

All right, and I love this moment too, because like there are red alert comes through, you know, it's like red alert. And then we find out dubstep made it to the 23rd. Yeah. Yeah. I'm ready to. Damn, damn, damn, damn,

I'm ready to read the letter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Scotty could give zero fox about this, right? He's like, you know what? I will get to that red alert when I am done with this back of fucking chips. I got excited about the chips. I gotta be honest. Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah. Nice. She brought over some. So yeah, so but then now they have to recall everyone from shoreleaf. So we check in on Sulu and check of, in a very like, look, they're in this movie too, kind of a scene. Okay, they were absolutely finding a place to bone and then got communicated and they were like, oh, yep, we were just hanging out. Normal hiking, why'd you say normal hiking?

Okay. Okay. Yeah, I feel like they were very much trying to play up the like men can't ask for directions. That happens in the 23rd century too. Right. Right. Yeah. So meanwhile, we cut back to bones and the Spock and Kirk. They're still out camping and owns this lecturing Kirk, like the girlfriend in free solo, basically like, hey man, don't do. And they end up with this, I don't even know what the fuck they were going for.

Would they have this conversation about how Kirk knows that he will die alone? I've always known I'll die alone the Heath and my story. I love that Spock was like, all right, man, I'm like a super genius, logical robot person, and that's super dumb. That, you know what I mean? You didn't die because I rock and boot saved you. Let me be super clear about that.

Yeah, emo Kirk is definitely my least favorite Kirk. I'm not a super huge fan of emo Kirk. And neither is bones because bones is like cool, cool, you'll, you'll die alone, kind of ruined my beans. I feel like Mikoie is doing that thing where he picks on the person he has a crush on. Like I feel like he's just got it in for Spock. Yeah. And he's like projecting. Okay, so yeah, on the beans thing, they're all eating beans together. And apparently bones brought camping with him, a giant rod iron tripod and like a witch's cauldron enormous.

I guess this is like federation level, larping. No, look, you just, you, you hike in a replicator and you're good. Yeah. I mean, it's the future. Come on, that's just how shit's done. Transporter, can you beam a cauldron?

Oh, there you go. As we, as has been explained several times, the transporter is not working. So there are other transporters here on Earth,. So, yeah, that could have been it. They just transported out there. Just follow up question on transporters. Can they, they can beam objects and people and kind of whatever you want?

Yeah, yeah, okay. So like you have a transporter up on your ship and you can just be like, I want that rock from down on Earth. And if you can like see it, you can get it. Yeah, unless there's some plot required electromagnetic interference. Yeah, electromagnetic interference. Okay. What if two different like rival ships both have a transporter?

Could they just like fight over stuff back and forth, grab a net? Yes. And do they do that? That's happened. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. Can you steal somebody else's transporter with your transporter? He's trying to figure out a cheat at the transporter war. He'll never participate. I'm very healthy. What what's happening now is Heath is catching up on like 35 years of nerd conversations in one episode. You have no idea how many forums are out there just for you. Yes, exactly.

I was just thinking there's whole wings of the internet devoted to this quest. This conversation in the same city, we can do slumber parties. Fantastic. Whiskey beans and transporter arguments. Yeah, right. So into this. And I'll teach you how to say dirty things and clinging. Oh, yeah. That's okay. And if you're good, we'll show you the weird episode of Enterprise where they all discuss

whether or not transporters technically kill you. It's a whole thing. We don't need to get into it here on the show. What? Well, you disintegrate somewhere. You mean like just like the ship a DCS? Yeah, exactly. Interesting. They kind of do. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. There is definitely a whole wing of the internet devoted to this argument. So yeah. All right. Now we're going to get to this amazing part where they sing, row, row, row your boat. This is this is the plot of the goddamn movie, isn't it? This is the plot of the goddamn movie, isn't it? The strongest and longest lasting through line of this film is the song. This movie might as well be like based on the song,

Ro Ro Ro Ro your boat and characters created by Gene Roddenberry, yes. So yeah, they're out camping and they decide like, oh, we're supposed to, what do you do? You eat marshmallows and you have singolongs, right? And they just, hang on. Spock is hilariously not human, so they're marshmellans. Oh, yes. Yeah. And they let them go on it because they're like, oh, he's going to keep saying this for

the rest of his life and people will have it. Yeah, they literally say that word again several times. They're not going marshmell Ellen, which I enjoyed. And then they decide, yeah, all right, we got to do a sing along, and they land on the road, and you decide, you know, you got to sing it as a round, right? And then they start to sing around, and they immediately cannot keep the round going,

which is my favorite part of this movie. Like watching people try to be like, ro-ro-ro gently, I just went back into your spot. I can't keep my thing going. You guys, we look at different directions, look at different directions, we try to do it. It's so good. So this is probably an inside baseball star track thing, but actually my favorite part

of this scene is when they're like talking, trying to figure out the song they're going to sing. And they do this star track thing where they go through a list of three things. Yes, two things are things we know. And one thing is a reference to something only in Star Trek. Yeah, I have that. My notes like five times went

because they do that over and over and over again in this movie. And in every other Star Wars movie or show, it's so fucking good. And Star Trek, for a new slip. Yep, so all right. So they sing Ro Ro Ro Ro your boat. and start tracks, right? And slip. Yep. So all right. So they sing roro roro, you're both.

And apparently like Spock wrestles with those lyrics for the rest of his life, right? Spock got high as fuck. You guys ever think about it? Life is not a dream. It's like a real real thing. He opens that next scene with, okay, that song's got spuck all fucked up You guys mad at me. I'm not an asshole your ass All right, so elsewhere in the galaxy by the way the klingons are hanging out

Destroyed shit, wish they could kill people hanging out, destroying shit, wishing they could kill people. Klingons are blowing shit up because they're the methods of the Star Trek universe. I guess with that's Vemou's chai. With their fucking Atari based target system. All right. But yeah, but main Klingon is like, he's like, man, I'm sick and tired of shooting at boring old satellites. I want to kill something that's alive, damn it. And just then they get this distress call from Paradise City.

Now this might seem like a weird thing to say. And Cal, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on this one. Oh, I will. But the chip playing the fucking Klingon is fucking this accent up, isn't she? Oh, completely. Okay. All right. It sounded like me doing Italian or something like that.

It was so awkward and stilted and uncomfortable. The guy who created Klingon was a consultant on this movie. So he had a hand in it, but I feel like they just bought him dinner. Right. Is it a full, like, speakable language? Oh, yeah. Wow. There's like about a, I think about a thousand word vocabulary. So, like, you can have real conversations. Yeah. I know. It's like, conjugations and all. My dad speaks for a pretty good cling on. Yeah. One of the notes that I had for the scene,

speaking of clingons being racist, I feel it very important to point out that the Klingon portrayal is racist against real people, for sure, but it is a less racist Klingon portrayal because as bad as the Klingon is in this movie, it's worse in the TV series. And so like, I can't help but love it. You know, it could be worse. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

What race are they portraying worse in this TV series? Anyone who is sufficiently different enough from white American people. Yeah, yeah, just everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No savages is what it is. Right. It's again, he there's forum upon forum out there. Just waiting for you, buddy. I gotta tell you. I sure shatter is taking up the white man's burden in outer space. Slated most of that series for your sign. Well, that's the first series. Again, Heath, you got to get caught up. All right. Great. And then the second series is, hey, we never asked for your help. And then the third series is, never mind, we would actually like your help.

Yep. All right. So now, half an hour into the goddamn movie. Everybody can show up at the enterprise and the plot can fucking start. And the only thing I absolutely need to point out is that Captain Kirk will be wearing the momest of mom cheese. Yeah. Wow. They are they're wrapped snugly around his neck. He's decavore cheese.

It's pretty great. And Scotty is Scottishly upset again. Yep. Yes, that he is. And I love it. This is so half-assed. They're like, you know, they get back to the ship and he's like, hey, Starfleet, why the fuck would you send us on this thing?

You know, our ship has fallen apart and we were on short leave. And they're like, because Kirk only you can handle this job. And it's like, but the job is just like, it's not like a job that requires any special skill or talent. It's just go to this fucking planet and ask for your guy back. Right. They make so little effort to explain why the fuck any of them would be involved with this. But anyway, they need to go to animbus three and rescue the hostages, right? Yep. What is Kirk's job? He's just like captain of like space cops. He's captain of the

Starship Enterprise. That's right. And they're like a federation legal enforcement team. I like the space Navy. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of, but it's it, but they're more exploration than war or so. Right. Yeah. So sort of like the British Navy in the 18. Yeah.

No, it's colonization. I was going to say. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Navy, but there's, there's supposed to go down because there's so much better than the other planets. That's not better. That doesn't make it

better. Yeah. You don't get it. You have to watch the series. You watch it. You watch the series. No criticism till you watch it. So do you click on live matter? I feel like it's enough. Depends on the movie sometimes they do. All that matter, Heath. Oh, and by the way, like, I feel like in this movie more than ever, I finally understood why there is so much fan fiction about Spock and Kirk fucking, right? There are so many set of like, like when they're in the elevator there and and Kirk's like I could really use a shower Spock yeah, yeah, yeah I let it me my believe you were him shatter before we had more in an elevator together

Are you fishing for smell compliments? No, not happening. Stop saying cut, Jean, I don't care. People in the movie. Also, you just fucked a bunch. You smell like gum, yes. All right, so meanwhile, the Klingons learn that the enterprise is the one that's going to be coming to Nimbus three and they are fucking stoked. I just, I love how much trouble encryption or speaking in code would have saved them in

this movie, but okay. Meanwhile, the captain's log isn't working. Well, that's pretty wacky. Oh, they've got this amazing moment where it like pops out and the extra looks it in like huh? That's the comic bit. I really wanted that cartoon spring noise. Yeah, right.

But by the way, that extra William Shatner's daughter. Oh, I thought it was just like, I believe it's just daughter. Got it. Nice. I did enjoy watching Shatner try to work this like touch screen. It's like watching my dad try to work a touch screen. It was They're about to call like Hodgie the IT guy in or so whatever Bracers name the ad for him. Right. So and also by the way, there's this moment that makes no sense and it never comes back where Like Kirk talks about the kid the kidnapped Klingon hostage.

It clearly wants to fuck him, right? He's clearly saying like, I don't know about you guys, but are you giving me 15 minutes and a little whiskey? I think man, there's no reason for him to know this Klingon or anything like that, right? Yeah. Well, that's another thing they always do in Star Trek. Like this person's ex was required reading when I was at the Academy. And that's like how you communicate that this thing is supposed to be important,

even though you've never heard of it before. And guys, zero impact on anything else in Star Trek Academy. I got it. Yeah. I forget who it was. Again, Heath, as you're going through the forums, someone has event has on the internet put together all the things that they say are required reading at the Academy. And it is a series of nonsense

statements. And this is one of them. Also, want to throw this out there. Cord only full-bodied Klingon in Star Trek history up to this point. Work it, Cord. Fuck you. And this is where we get to see the hostage video that Vulcan Jesus sent out. Okay, weird space work choices in this hostage video. She walks down a set of stairs and then back up again. Why?

It's a certain walk and duck in a hostage video. And clearly just a whole bunch of cuts in this hostage. If you're like, director, it's like, I caught everybody, hit your mark. Look for the X on the ground. This is a serious, hostile video. Big serious. Yeah, I was just thinking it looked like a YouTube video. This like somebody who had lots of mom and dad's money, but has never used a camera.

Yeah, exactly. All right, well, take a look. This is pretty much the last time it seems like this could get interesting in the film. So it's a perfect spot for us to pause for a break, but we'll be back because where the fuck else would we go? Okay, I hear that, but what if I write it for free? Because it's not Star Trek, that's why I'll write it for free.

Hi, Gene. I'm going to call you back. What was that? Nothing. Just talking to my agent. What's up? Callie, what's going on? So I got that script you sent over for Star Trek 5.

Yeah. Did that. What do you think? It's fine. I think there's a little issue, though. What's that? You wrote it episode length. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it's not an episode. It's a movie. Right. Fuck. Of course. I mean, it's a great episode. Yeah. Good episode of the show Star Trek, not a movie Star Trek movie right.

How much time do we need for a movie? I mean another hour? An hour? Fah! How long are movies? Longer than an hour. Me, me, me, me. Uh, nope, it's fine, it's fine. Okay.

Uh, let's put in some Spock and Kirk and bones go camping. They go camping. Yep, whole Kitten Caboodle. Kirk wants to, I don't know, climb some shit and then they, they have dinner. How long would it be if he climbs shit and they have dinner? I mean, maybe 30 minutes. Okay, they have dinner and they sing around.

Plus, plus the ship is broken. So we'll watch Scotty fix the ship for a while. Like in a super intense plot driven way. No, no, it's just like general maintenance stuff. It's just, he's just like fixing random stuff. How long is that? Like 40 minutes? Jesus Christ.

Okay. Also, O'Hara is gonna bring Scotty lunch, and we're gonna watch them have lunch. Is that good on time? Yeah, I think that'll do it. Hey, Callie. Yeah, Gene. You'd watch it if I wrote a movie

about like time travelers, right? Like if in order to save the world, these guys had to go back in time. Is it Star Trek? Yeah. Then yeah, I'd watch the shit out of that. Cool. Cool. Good to know. And we're back when we last left off there were watching the hostage video. Now we did not mention that Spock seemed maybe to recognize that vulcan dude from the hostage video. So

we're going to rejoin him in this. I don't know. He's dimly lit pirate themed brooding room. It's a cool room to have. Yeah, absolutely. It's just to signal how serious this is about to get right. Right. Right. What's serious pirates? Yep. Yeah. Pirates.

So Kirk and McCoy show up to say, Hey, man, you know, what's going on with this scene? Hey, buddy, you, you're sitting in the dark. You're sitting in the dark. And McCoy never misses a chance as always to just be like, I don't like most things or most people. So now, okay, so Spock though thinks he knows who that kidnap or Vulcan is. He's an exiled Vulcan who wasn't logical enough to be a real Vulcan, right? He's Vulcan Satan. Yeah, that's all they fucking tell him. So they went all the way into the fucking pirate theme, blounge for Spock to tell him that he thinks it might have been a guy.

I feel like you're gonna just told him that on the bridge, right? I feel like you just could have told us that Spock is what this movie's subtitle should have been. God Jesus, there's so fucking much of that in this movie. All right, so now they've got to go down to the planet, but of course the transporter still is at working, otherwise this movie would already be over. So they have to go down the old fashioned way. Yes. I wrote the old fashioned way, We're going to have to walk through space.

Yeah. But no, they have a little shuttle. So they head down to the planet and hover around for a bit. Also we should point out that those Klingons know where they are. So they're coming for them. The Klingon bird of prey is coming to like, you know, they're like, oh, we should be there right around at middle of act three, I think. Yeah.

All right. So Kirk is heading down to the planet with Spock and bones. Chekhov is going to stay back on the enterprise and pretend that he's the captain, will he, they negotiate with fucking Vulcan Jesus here. Yeah. My favorite thing about this scene is check off doing bad acting while Walter Canig is also doing bad acting. Yeah. No, just to be yourself, man, it'll be fine. All right.

So then we get to most amazing goddamn scene in the movie by fucking far. Oh, oh hoarse distraction? Yes. So they got beautiful. I get a movie full of my kinks. I'm writing right. Yes. Uh, one more thing on our beans and arguing and whiskey night.

Perfect. Yes. Um, what we're talking about, by the way, is a siren feathered dance that a hero is doing here to. So into it. Confuse your into okay me too. Yep. So she's dancing up on top of like a sand dooney ridge thing to distract the mob of Coltie

people who have taken over this strip club. Yeah. So basically for clarity, what's happening is they're trying to sneak into the strip club and there's a bunch of like the mob cult people waiting down below. And what they did is they turned to O'Hara and they were like, wait, wait, wait, we need a distracted. Did you bring a bunch of sexy feathers? You can do a dancewear than she was like, I did bring a bunch of sexy feathers.

I always bring that down. And I brought them down to this planet with me. Yeah. I always bring that standard issues, surf, flee survival gear. It's a thing to learn as you get more into. Yeah. So mandatory reading at the

big time. And that's the exciting feather dance from that book. So that required that you should see curks. All right. But no, hey, you know what? The fucking plan works. So who are we to second guess it? Exactly.

Right. Now they were doing all of that so that they could get horses to ride into Paradise City on. So we go from there to this, like they ride into the city and then there's this big ass, silly fucking sequence from before we learned how to do action scenes. Right. It's amazing. My only note on this scene is Kirk, you have to stop taking hug breaks in the middle of our big group. I was really mad when Spock Vulcan nerve pinched a horse. Okay, what? My only note here is, did Spock just kill a horse with a gentle crest of an elephant snack? He was a Vulcan Nerf Pinch. Okay.

If that's a power that only Vulcans have, they can gently caress you to death. Well, that's a death. It's a little more complicated than that, but that's what we're going to go with for now. You wouldn't get it. You're not a Vulcan heat. They're super logical plus their nerve manipulating ninjas that can kill you. Okay. It doesn't kill you. It just put you in just like. No, it's not a kill. And he teeser when you and Cali do your best friend forum

searching night. The reason for the Vulcan neck pinch is one of the best in all of cinema and TV history. So I'll leave it to your Google. All right. And no horses were harmed by a Vulcan neck. I love this moment too. Like, um, burlap, Jesus, the bad guy Vulcan, this kid and after everybody, he's talking to check off when the attack comes and he looks to check off. He's like, what the hell's going on? He's like, you're under attack. You need a surrender. He says, I didn't, I never wanted bloodshed. Damn it. Okay, guys, bring out the rail guns. We have several, um, yeah. What? Hold on. Mixed signals here. Okay.

So finally, though, Kirk manages to get into the strip club. And earlier there was a three boob to cat stripper in the movie. If there is a fucking three-tidied catch stripper in a fucking Star Trek movie, you can bet your ass that Kirk is either going to fight or fuck or fight then fucking. Exactly. I was going to say it is not mutually exclusive. No, not at all. By the way, if you enjoyed this scene, you will love the entire first series of Star Trek. Oh, is that just hours of William Shatner getting like face attacked by lion snake strippers with sometimes extra boobs?

Yes. Big fan. That's pretty much the whole fucking thing. Yeah, I got to get into this. I don't know how I have it. Yeah, man. And then you go to a convention where pretty girls dress like that lion boob stripper. It's the best. So I will say,

though, pretty clever, the way that he takes out the cat stripper throws her into the water billiards, cat's hate water makes perfect fucking sense. Right? And I love how they for comedic value somehow while they're in the middle of the struggle that is obviously not a struggle. The TV turns on and there's like the enthusiastic sales guy trying to sell you real estate on Nimbus three in the background. It would have been great if he threw it into the pool and she just started like jumping straight up in the air like cats do that thing they, when they like, don't know when they're freaked out. She's just like, he puts a cucumber behind her.

Yes. That did, yes. All right, so now they go to rescue the hostages, but it turns out that the hostages are now on fucking Vulcan Jesus' side. So they kidnap Kirk and Spock. Yeah, and I love how in the establishing shot of this, you can see the camera pan through these three people. And like, you hear the Romulan say words, you hear the human say words,

and the Klingon just goes, yeah, that is racist. Kelly, quick question on the uniforms that are chosen by the Starfleet. That is racist. Kelly, quick question on the uniforms that are chosen by the Starfleet command people, I guess, or that people on the enterprise. At some point, somebody was like, all right, well, we've got these great cable knit sweaters with turtlenecks. We are going to need to like bolster the shoulder area. So a little bit of extra different fabric there. Does that come into play? Is there a lot of shoulder attacking or what function is that serving? That's a good question. The real world explanation was that William Shatner desperately wanted to redesign the Starfleet uniforms for this movie, but they didn't have the budget. So their compromise was the away team uniforms. Yeah.

Everyone's a red shirt and star trick five. All right. So and this is of course where Spock and Cybock meet face to face. 45 minutes into the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Really wanted Cybock and Spock's meeting to be like running into friends when I'm back home Spock Spock is that you oh Hey Sibok Sibok I knew that I knew that how are you man? It's been, give me a hug, buddy. Oh, okay, you're hugging. Wow.

What, what are you up to these days? Oh, I'm in the federation. I feel cool. Cool. Cool. Hey, do you know Steve Wilkers? No. Oh, okay, he's in the federation.

That's why I asked. Oh, it's a, he's in the federation. That's why I asked. Oh, it's a big federation. It's so bad. Sure, yeah, no, I know, I know, but you never know unless you ask. That's true. You do never know. Well, it's been awesome seeing you. Yeah, you do, man.

You know, we should get some coffee or something. You know, how long are you in town? Oh, just for the holidays, not, let's see, you know, we should get some coffee or something, you know, how long are you in town? Oh, just for the holidays, not, not ball. Okay, okay, cool. Well, hit me up. You have my communicator, right? Yep. Totally. Yes, I will hit you up. All right. Awesome seeing you, Spock. Awesome seeing you.

Spi-buck. Uh, Si-buck. Yep. That's what I said. Spi-buck. Si-buck. Yep. That's what I said. Side-box. Side-box. Yep.

Yes. It would have been better than what we got. It would have been. Yeah. But yeah, so this, yeah, this is space Jesus, Vulcan Jesus, his name is side-box. And we're gonna learn more about him a few scenes from now. But right now now all we

know is that he wants to steal their spaceship and this this excellent moment where Kirk where William Shatner is obviously very mad because he hasn't had a line for four lines and he's like excuse me that's my ship and side-bock goes who are you and he's practically a movie of Shatner on the main character I mean

Captain James D. Kirk You need to google me motherfuckers Stop asking me for autographs. Oh you all did All right now wait I have a I have a Klingon linguistic question here for you, Kelly Yeah, absolutely because at this point we cut back to the the Klingons and they're getting really close and they're speaking Klingon and we're getting the translation. But at the bottom of the translation, they say, you know, we're only so many KELOLA CAMES

away. That's what it says in the fucking translation. KELOLA CAME. That's a fucking Klingon word. The woman doesn't goddamn say, is it the cling on word for a Kellika? Kellika?

Yeah, for sure. It's pronounced Kellika. Mm-hmm. And the measurement is, the measurement is roughly two meters. So, what they're communicating is that they're about 10 miles away. Yes, yes, yes, what they're communicating is that they're about 10 miles away. Yes, yes, yes. What they're establishing. Honestly, kind of stupid to use a measurement that is two meters long to describe miles, but yeah, sure.

But, but yeah, again, this fucking chick speaks to, they, honestly, they needed a callie for the Scott Damroll. Right. Obviously, they have the pronunciation there. Then also, the tactical issue here, the fucking, the Klingons go, oh, now we need to cloak. Why now? Oh, oh, now? Now you have that?

Just use the cloaking device to hold that. Why wouldn't you want to always be cloaked for the most part? That's the Klingon equivalent of the cat getting low before it attacks. Oh, only Klingons have the cloaking thing. I'll ring on the Romulans. What's a Romulan? Cousins of the Vulcans. Oh, Keith, you have so much to learn.

So many one which I must explore. Okay. Do they have any like magical nerve, not quite death powers? They do. Is there a Romulan neck pinch thing? No, that would be silly. Sorry. Stupid question.

What's wrong? Sorry. What's your trick on your own time, he? All right. So now, so you got Kirk and, and the away team, they're heading up to the enterprise on the shuttle with the bad guys. And Kirk's like, oh, we're going to be in some trouble now. They've just put up their shields because the, the Klingons are almost there and they're about to

attack and Volk sideback is like, nah, we'll be fine. Fucking the Klingon, the fact Klingon guy they brought with him is like, no, Kirch, Kirch, Kirch's right. They're, they're totally going to kill the fuck out of you. It's kind of the way we are. You know, they lowered and started to wiggle in their butt back and forth. You can tell now that there is about to hit the fan. It's cultural, more relativism. You have to on the internet. And the result is that Sulu is going to have to try and fly it in manually. And Kelly, as a fellow lover of Star Trek, was it always this unsuttle with the gay jokes and Sulu or was it me? Yeah, I definitely believe that this was not Sulu's first time putting a pointy thing into the backside of another thing. I remember being genuinely surprised by George decay coming out. I remember being like oh wow and like oh no

I'm cool. I'm cool. And now watching this movie. I was like how dense was I? and now watching this movie, I was like, how dense was I ever think Sulu? Sulu turns to fucking camera and winks after every line he delivers in this movie. I mean, the shirtless fencing and the original series didn't do it for him. Yeah, right, I was gonna say that. I feel like I figured it out around the end.

Yes, I thought Top Gun was a really masculine movie. It was a different side of my life. Hahaha. Was a very masculine movie. What do you mean? It's true. That volleyball, what's more masculine than Bob? I know with your bro's. Exactly.

All right. So now they have crashed the shuttle. They do manage to make it in and everything, but, but, but, suspensively, but the shuttle's half crashed. Everybody's unconscious. And then we have that classic movie moment where, oh, if only the good guy woke up first, but no, it's the bad guy. And as we're watching everyone wake up, I just want to point out the camera work here is so clearly just a guy wandering around pointing his camera at people. You can see a shadow damn near, yeah. And then of course, we have to have a fucking

William Shatton or fight here. Yes, to fight with Simon. Well, if you enjoyed this fight choreography, you will love. So you must know this. This is vital to beginning your love story with Star Trek. All Star Trek fights are just William Shatner grabs one side of a gun. The alien grabs the other side of the gun left, right, left, right. William Shatner does the only judo throw he knows on a stunt man. Got it. Okay. So this is overweight, heathen high school getting rest

in the ground by overweight wrestling coach slash physics teacher in high school, trying to win a bet and losing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they wrestle for the gun. But now this time the gun goes flying off and spot gets a hold of it. And Kirk is like shoot this motherfucker, but like spot can camp bring himself to do it. Because we need 50 more minutes of movie. Well later he explains he's like, oh, I couldn't kill this guy because, you know, super secret reveal that's about to happen, but like, that's not the only option when you have a gun. There are other ways of slowing him down or otherwise fucking up his plans that don't

involve killing him. So, I mean, like, in fairness, some weapons don't have a stun setting, right? But like, I mean, you can just punch him in the face or like, and what's great is spybook realize that this doesn't make any sense because spybook's like, ah, there we go, Spock, you've joined my team and Spock's like, no, I just want to be in the middle. I would like to be an inconvenience to both of you. Yeah, right. So they send bones and and Kirk and Spock off to the brig because the three of them must always be paired contractually in this fucking movie apparently. Right. Right. And sidewalk decides that Sulua and New

Hurrah gets to be, get to be his next subbies. There's this really great moment where David Warner, who's like the, the federation ambassador guy puts his hand on Sulua shoulder and looks at him like, bro, it's about to get real weird. All right. So now we join spot Kirk and McCoy in the break. This is where we learn that side-bock is Spock's brother, even though that makes no goddamn sense given what we know of Spock at this point in the fucking series. Even the other actors are like, hold on, he's your brother brother. Like like like who her I would use the And the reason and and spot by the way waves all of this like this is a total destruction of your character history with I didn't mention it because it's personal

Company time personal time. You know what it's like You know what it's like. I'm just fucking fucking fucking fucking to give everyone the information they need about four minutes too late. That's his fucking running theme through this film. And I love how Kirk is over a clempt. He has to press the toilet button for the chair to come out of the wall and like, yeah, I gotta sit down guys. And for some reason, there's a sign above this chair in the brig that says, don't use this in space stock. Yeah. Which, first of all, if I'm in to brig, I'm totally using it, you know, right?

Like, I'm already in the fucking brig. What are you going to do with throwing me to brig? But secondly, why? Right. Like, I understand that like back in the, in the trains back in the day when the shit just fell onto the track, but why is that how it works in their fucking spaceships? Yes, the year is 2300 and we have no better waste removal system. They call it waste extraction.

Got it to be. But, but yeah, Shatters just using it because he's personally the actor tired now. And I'm just like, I'm messing on his, this thing that pops out. I know we have this bill. I wanted to be slanted down like those ones that prevent people from like taking the fake shits while they're at work. Oh, God. It hurts your legs a little bit and you can't really relax. All right. so now we got to Sulu and a horror coming aboard the bridge, but they're on side-box side. Now, apparently they were fucking brainwashed off screen or something.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, well that was what they were foreshadowing when David Warner was telling Sulu that, you know, she's about to go down. That's what they were foreshadowing. Right. And then they tease us like a motherfucker because Cyboc starts just like, you know, each of us has a secret pain and he's talking to check off and we're like, ooh, what's check off? Like secret pain and then they cut away.

Right? So mad about that. I need to know. It's like, I can totally, I totally know my fees from W's. I've just been faking with this whole fuck it. It's the only reason people like me. Okay. Yeah. The only way they can remember my character exists. Yes. Dark is very important. And so say where you knew what I meant. Yeah. All right, so meanwhile, so we cut back to Kirk and Spock and I'm trying to break out of prison.

And once again, we get one of these great moments where Spock gets all the information just a little too late because Kirk's trying to break out and he electrocutes himself and hurts himself. And then after that, Spock's like, yeah, I'm actually the one that tested these rigs to make sure that they were escape proof. So I could have told you that was going to happen. I didn't. Oh, look like that electrician hurt. Quick bit of useful information. There's no way out.

I designed this and you will get a lecture. If you do it again, I mean, like don't try to do it again. I'm a genius. 41 shame on me. I'm a book. That's about to go. Also, they're wearing new footwear now. Old-timey, strappy ski boots. Is that helpful in space? Like what? Very much.

Really? Oh, yeah. I did not notice the footwear. I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah, nor did I. Finally, at last, he's separate Google Doc. He keeps on each gam movie, the shoes, in each particular scene pays off.

And if you become a $22 patron, you can get the foot only gam starring Heathen, right? It's a solo podcast he does. It's about the length of the regular show. All right, so now, okay, they're underway. right? It's a solo podcast he does. It's about the length of the regular show. All right. So now, okay, they're underway. It's time for SiBock to give his big hero speech about why the fuck this is on the regular feet of a game. All right. And I love how it like I'm not racist, but like green in the face, green blood because you're vulcan. Oh yeah. Cause he's so much going for it.

I had a thing, I was going, I'm sorry, no, nevermind. So yeah, so cyboc explains to the whole ship that they're actually going to fucking Vulcan Colobb or something, the heaven planet, which they call Shakari, which by the way, they got by like, it's a take on Sean Connery. That's how they came up with that name because he was originally supposed to play sidebuck. Oh, I thought it was like the planet of the Nigerian Vulture. Yeah. No, that's why I looked it up.

I thought it was where Shakira came from so we all were wrong. It's interesting I was so impressed. I was like our universes have finally collided perfectly And I knew it was Sean Connery so of course How do you say Sean Connery and Vulcan? Vulcan isn't a fully fleshed out language. With a Vulcan accent. Yeah, you mean Klingon, you bigot. Oh, it can't help him.

Waces apart. No, I'm not Vulcan. I don't know. You're already kicked out of a community. You haven't even joined yet. You're canceled. And as he's describing the ancient Vulcan, he says, they felt with their hearts.

They made love with their hearts. Wait, what? Yuck. Yeah. Amazing that we made it this far. We eventually figured out it was a whole, there's a penis thing and a vagina thing involved it, but with a heart thing worked for a while, I guess. You should have that girthier order.

And there's also this amazing moment where he turns to Spock and he's like, okay, Spock, who started you on? And Spock's just like, no, he's this angry, significant other of it's moving. No, go hang out with your friends. That seems nice. Oh, let's give up. I'm sure you'll have one. No, go to heaven. All right. And there's also, okay, so now it's time for Scotty to break Kirk and him out of the the brick. So they're tapping more code. And and they're all three of them together are trying to like translate this more code. Now this, this never fucking works, right? This is like, this is like when dumb writers put a genius into

their fucking TV show or whatever, the Vulcan is sitting there along with them. The smartest person in all of Starfleet is right there next to them. They're tapping out stand back in fucking Morse code. They get as far as S T A and D space B A C and everybody's still the puzzle. What's at last letter's gonna be, huh? Did you count Rushmore? I'm gonna count Rushmore. Stand because. That's not how you spell because. That's how he spells because.

Come on, don't use the you there. That is how he spells because. Thank you. Noah. And I love how at the beginning of this Kirk is like, I'm really out of practice, but I'm gonna go ahead and catch all of this as it's coming in. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. The first thing they taught us at Steph, it's required.

I want to spark to just be like, hey, we can hear you tapping the Morse code. You could probably just talk. Yeah. Just tell us, stand back and tell us what you're doing. This is dumb. But yeah, they blow up the wall and everybody escapes. And Scott, and Scott, he gets to be Scottishly excited again. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Oh, sorry, last thing. You can break through the walls very easily. I designed it. I feel like I should have told you before, but like, like an M60 that a 10 year old would have. You can just get right through this. It's a really small wall. All right. So now they've got to send an emergency distress signal, but they can't get to the emergency distress signal stuff in time unless somebody could free climb this dangerous turbo shaft. Well, not free climb, ladder. Come on, okay, but they set it up like that.

They're like, it would be a very difficult, dangerous climb. And I'm like, oh, okay, because then that's why Kirk was, no, it's a goddamn ladder, a very difficult ladder. And we will watch them climb this ladder together for a, why oh. Oh. watch them climb this ladder together for a while. I also really enjoyed the hallway with the pipes running through it. That's like solid design work.

And I'm just like, gosh, I wonder if this is a setup for something. Yeah, right. What is a turbo shaft, by the way? It's the shaft that the turbo lift goes up and down in. Yeah. Turbo lift. Yeah, that's the the Star Trek word for elevator. Yeah.

Okay, this is an elevator shaft. Got it. Yeah. Okay. All right. So that's why they have the green and purple glow sticks. So it's a fun. Exactly.

Exactly. Right. Yeah. All right. No, it's all tying together. Sorry. Apparently one with no elevator in it because they get from the bottom of the ship. Don't know why. Exactly. You would want to use one. Well, the elevator's on break.

Yeah. All right. So they have the heroically go up a ladder for an awful lot of screen time. And once a goddamn again, Spock shows up. They're like 15 flights up the the ladder or whatever. Spock shows up. He's like, Hey, you know what? I written and I grabbed my jet boots somehow from above.

Yeah. Who writes? Which means. Hey, you know what, I read it and I grabbed my jet boots somehow from above. Yeah. Which means, yep, there is a unshown scene where Spucks like this is going to be great. Oh, hey guys. What's going on? I was just moon boots in. Also, where the fuck did he have those boots? But yeah, okay, maybe that's a little personal. I shouldn't now step right and he flies down to him And he's like all right everybody grab on to me. I've got the rocket boots now like go get us three sets of rock

Who does you do that? And he's like, all right, let me do a big hug Yeah, we needed a three man fun. bones is like, I'm not gay. Fuck you guys. It's amazing. He totally has to gay fear survives into the year, 23 hundred. All right, wait. And I have to point this out because Kelly, you have the nerdyest goddamn note I've ever seen in my life of something they get incorrect in this scene as well.

Oh, it's the best. So, you know, they're falling because there's too much weight, right? All three of them on this one pair of rocket boots and, uh, and Kirk's like, turn on the fucking rockets and it's box like, I can't control it. He's like, fucking do it. So they go from deck 10 to deck 35 to 52 to 64 back down to 52, back up to 77, then 78, and then further up to 78. Yes, just so we all, just so we're all clear, the enterprise A has 21 decks.

I love that you have that known yet. In case you weren't, in case you were to wear how bad they were fucking this. So, maybe the star deck system is different than the numbering. So he should have explained it just for you, because I knew you were going to have lots and lots of questions about what Callie just pointed out for everyone. I went to a website, which you will come to learn and love called trekbbs.com. Now on Trek PBS, not only do they have a discussion of everything Star Trek, but they

have these weird Star Trek apologists who insist everything is perfect. So if you, the listener, would like to read someone violently defend that these numbers have nothing to do with floors and that they've not changed by how many decks there are. TrekBBS.com has someone who's more dedicated to these numbers than I've ever been to anything in my entire life. It's so. And by the way, we should point out like the end,

okay, so they get on, they all get on the same pair of rocket boots and they have to hit the fucking afterburners on them or whatever. So the end of this scene is just a cartoonish. Whoa, we're going to fast moment, right? When they stop just in time. I really needed that cartoon music again. Exactly. Right. Well, I'll tell you what, we are at this point inches away from Kirk, just painting a goddamn train tunnel on a wall to fool the bad guy. So I need a break. But first, let me give act three, the hard self.

Can we harness enough high power and photos to re-animate the delithium crystals? Can we bypass the Kilaquat interface modules and reach the coordinator processor unit? Will the tri-cyclic subsystems align with the positronic generator in time? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the sure, why not conclusion of Star Trek 5, the final frontier. Your mind tricks are never going to work on me, Sahib Akham, telling you, come to me, he said, right, reveal your secret pain. Never. No, reveal. No. Hold on, this bakery is your greatest regret?

Yes, yes, it is that bakery. Yep, show me. Okay, okay, so you see that peanut butter square right there? Yes, yes I do. Yes, so there were two when I was there and I only bought the one and then I got home and it was just like super duper good, the peanut butter square, the one that I got. And?

And I could have had both, but I didn't. I only bought one. Wait, your greatest regret is not buying the second peanut butter square. It's the second peanut butter square, yeah, because I had the one and it was great. Like I just said, okay. But yeah, so consider me brainwashed. I'm on your side now. That's, you know, you made a real...

You know what? No, I think we're actually good. Oh, okay. Like that's it, you sure? Yep. All right. Yeah, but good to know about the peanut butter square. Oh, it's so good. I mean, peanut butter squares are delicious.

Thank you, Cali. And like two or twice as such, math. It's supposed to be a Vulcan. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Kirk Spock and McQuay sending out a distress call to starfleet or so they think. And I am super impressed with that Klingon's English skills. Her Klingon skills, not so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the Klingons are intercepting this communication of pretending that their starfleet command, which I feel like they'd have some kind of system, right? Like a, you know, like at the very least a code word that you have something. But no, when the plot doesn't necessitate it, there certainly is. Like there's a command key or something like that

that tells them, oh, this is definitely coming from Starfleet. Gotcha. Yeah, I thought I remembered something along those lines. Oh, and then we get another one of those great, like, okay, so Cybox shows up right after they set out the distress call and he's like, all right, all right. Well, we brought the Klingons into Act Three.

Now it's time for me to catch you. And he has to do another one of those historic historic future lists, you know, where he's like, Columbus Proof to the Earth was flat and other thing that you heard of, oh, right, where they're like, Galileo. Yeah, and then they're like,

and Schmogflutberg was never gonna get more drive to work, but daddy did. Or something. Yeah. It turns into the Christian apologist in the comments section of every atheist video. Yes. Like literally exactly. Yes.

Yes. Just being like science is fake. I mean, Heisenberg uncertainty principle. There you go. I mean, we did discover that Heaisenberg uncertainty principle through science, but you know, you know what I'm saying? It's just some stuff we know and not yet. Hey, hey, I'm speaking of Heisenberg. I have to tell you this because I think you're going to love it so fucking much. The transporters have a Heisenberg compensator.

Yeah. That's nothing. They do. They do. It is actually a thing. No he I'm gonna ask every trackie to describe the Heisenberg uncertainty principle to me. I promised you there is a doctorate in physics out there just waiting for the day to explain to you why they would need of the Heisenberg. Oh, I can tell you why they need it. And this is little speech he says, don't you see? You fear the unknown and I want Kirk to just be like, no, I feel the rocks and stuff that are in the barrier to planet heaven. It's like a super real wall of lightning rocks. Hey, we're flying in a fucking spaceship.

We figured out how to detect real things a lot. We're pretty good science now. Or did they spoilers for the movie? Did God damn it. We'll fire ourselves like an electron through a slit. No, you won't. It's nothing like that. It's not high. Stop. Stop. All right, and then we cut over to sick bay. We get Scotty waking up in a horror just slathering his face with that vajra. He's just like, come on, let's fuck.

Let's fucking this scene. And he's like, later, I'll fuck you later, dammit. Yeah. And you can see in Michelle Nichols's face, she's like, all right, fuck. I already did that interracial kiss thing a while. Like that was with Shatner, like 70s Shatner, which was kind of Scotty is wrong. Yeah, he looks like John Cleese's bread double.

I don't know. Like, yes, you guys are kind of assholes. But I respect Scotty here because he understands that she's compromised and declined. So he did the right thing. No, he's that. He did. Okay. He did. Positive. And okay.

So now he, I feel like Sibuck didn't think he had quite gotten onto Gam yet. So now he has to go into this really long explanation of how no Shakari is heaven, get it? Heaven. Yeah. And this is where he turns into every white chick who went to yoga once or twice and discovers that all passed to the diviner Oh, yes Exactly. I don't know if you noticed but I bought candles since you last saw me. Yep. You bought candles since I last saw you

All right, so now it's time for cyborg to try to like rain wash all the remaining three main characters. So it's time for each of them to face their deepest darkest fear. Or regret or whatever. This is the best. It's so dumb. It really is. So, okay, so first we're going to start with McCoy. Cybox sends McCoy into a doodly do about his dad dying.

Apparently McCoy had to caivorkian his dad once and Cali. Tell me if I was alone in this, I was so sure that bones was going to have too much pain. He was going to overload side-buck and he was going to explode. You hate so many things. I honestly in this scene, I was just like, I know what I'm supposed to feel here, but like, McCoy's kind of a piece of shit so far in this movie. Like, I'm glad you had to kill your dad, fuck you. Yeah.

That's right. Right, but what, like the lesson from Syback here is like, ultimate truth comes from euthanizing your dad. I think the fuck, I'm not really sure. I thought, I thought Bones was just gonna be like, all right, I, I smothered my dad with a pillow. You're still dumb.

This is a giant wall. I don't see how this relates. I just love why we jump, jump in and start doing his lines in the memory. Or what? I would just change my lines. I would do different words than and fuck the whole memory up. But no, I also's this moment where he like He seems like he wants to go into the whole like damn it dad. I'm a doctor not but what is dad needs is a doctor and fucks the bit up

Just has to stop halfway through My thing doesn't work and by the way we should point out spock and Kirk are in this memory, too I guess just awkwardly in the background being like, should we be in his greatest pain? Seems like it's kind of a personal thing. Maybe we can eat. Is there a way to arrange for a private pain? We'll pay extra.

It's extra little cafeteria while he's, mother's just that. I just like it's a personal moment. It's some personal moment. Some jello. And then of course we learned that the worst part of it all is that the very next day they figured out to cure to the thing that McWayne's dad had. Which is not a great pain. It's just unfortunate. Yeah. Season two black mirror. All right. So and then it's time for Spock to face his secret paintings. Like, I don't have any secret pains.

I'm a fucking Vulcan. I wanted to talk to me like, I know your pain, Mr. Spock, William Shatner's salary. I'm letting him start sweeping. And I love how Kirk actually tries to step in on this one. He's like, Oh, no, this is a bad thing. I should probably try to stop this in spots like, no, no, go ahead and let him do this thing that's worked on literally everyone else. And is the entire reason we're in this shit to begin with.

Right. Let him go. It's good. Yeah. I can handle it. Right. So they do do and and spots like, no, I don't have any pain. I'm a Vulcan.

We do do back to his birth. Honestly, that would have been fucking hilarious if that was McCoy's biggest regret, right? Like, giving his fucking character. That would have been a perfect. But then I was just like, wait, wait, is Spock a Scientologist? Why would his birth be his biggest regret? This makes, I don't get it. But I guess his biggest fear was his dad being disappointed in him. Oh, he got daddy issues forever. That's something they explore a lot. Spock the Vulcan, one of the most iconic characters in all of sci-fi's deepest pain is my daddy never loved me.

Yep. Yeah, that's legitimate. Like there's not even a joke. That's just what it is. Right. No, there is a dad that is definitely a through line throughout the series. So I'll at least give them that. But then this is the greatest moment. It's Shatner's turn, right? They turn to Kirk and they're like, okay, he's time for you to do the doodling

to do it to your biggest regret. He's like, I don't know. No, because because Spock is right here and will see me fucking him in my fantasy. No. William Shatner never admits he's wrong. I wanted so bad later just he doodly do's into a YouTube video of him saying he's not going to do autographs anymore. No, that's in the future. Just a clip of Boston legal. No, I've been in other things guys.

All right, so now, but quick before we can resolve that scene, they come across the great barrier, which is the thing that keeps everybody out of the heaven planet, I guess. Planet at the center of the galaxy. Why the fuck not? So basically they have to fly through the Bible, man credits and make it out alive now, right? Jesus I was like man Sulu and check of art to sure about this space lava lamp They have to go through and we should point out like as far as this movie has had stakes that aren't related to the song Roro Roro your boat. These are the stakes that they can't make it through the great barrier. But then they just fly the ship through the great barrier.

Exactly down the stream. Yes. Exactly. Which means according to the canon of this movie, nobody in the universe had thought of driving into it. So good. At one point, Kirk is like, okay, but what if you're wrong, Sybok? What if you're wrong about this? And it's not like, what if I'm not wrong? And Kirk's like, okay, but, you know, we'd get past a wall of lightning with, and then there'd be more space. Just this is it. But let's focus on my. Yeah, we'd be dead at the end of mine. Yeah. So and then okay. So they they emerge from the the great barrier or whatever. And we pan down everybody going like, you know, Balkan word for heaven, cling on word for heaven, Romulan word for heaven, and then our human gun heaven pans over to Heath TGI Friday. Tadopoppers.

They don't have the Tadopoppers. And I love the moment where they put the camera right on Shatner's face and then the camera moves down and they're like standing there next to that pirate whale and it says boldly go where no man has gone before and and Kirk's hand is just gently resting on the plaque. Yes. And then they do that thing where they play like three seconds of the really recognizable star check.

Yeah, guys, this is what it's all about. And like I can just imagine the shit eating grin on William Shatner's face when he as the director was like, yeah, this is what we got to do guys. This is what it's all about. Let's do this. Yeah. Why is it a wooden like pirate ships steering wheel in this space? The original space ships had

one point. Yes, your manuals. Okay. No, because it's the space Navy. Like why not be a tiller? I don't know. Like what? Because it's the it wouldn't be electronic.

No, that what so if the power goes out, you spin that thing really fucking fast and it'll come back on No, no, no because it's it's like they're harkening back to the Navy and which is what Starfleet, you know, emerged from sort of Yeah, all right, so yeah, they fly through now Now they've got it like okay, so they've flown through the bad special effects to get to the planet now They have to take the little shuttle and fly through different bad special effects to get to the planet. Now they have to take the little shuttle and fly through different bad special effects to get to the planet itself, right, to get to the surface. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and just as they're starting to land

they like lose control of their little shuttle and I wrote in my notes, Jesus took the wheel. Pursue. And I wrote in my notes, Eli beat me to the Jesus took the wheel joke dammit. That should have been the title like Star Trek 5. Jesus takes the wheel of the Enterprise. That's really exactly what's happening.

Yep. All right. So they lay the shuttle on the planet where God lives. And this is where we see the shuttle craft is named Copernicus, which I thought was very neat. The other one was named Galileo. I don't know if you noticed that. Yes, I did. I know that you noticed that. I guess I didn't know that anyone else noticed. Come on. Come on. Did you notice that I noticed that is what moment. And it's actually pronounced. That is their word. He's because That is their word. He's because.

You stay And I love this moment because this is so me if I was in this situation Everybody's got to be like Kirk Don't bring your phaser to meet God do do please let me just grab a gun in case they need to shoot God it's not a great look yeah no we'll be fine God's super like completely not violent in the Bible so this is yeah we'll be fine yeah exactly. So yeah, we come back to the Enterprise and by the way, we've got a solid, I think four minutes here of just every named character staring out the window reverently, right? And that's and we need that because

they're all too enraptured to notice the approaching cling on warning system going off, right? Yeah, the camera does that long zoom in where it's like, huh, they're trying to tell us something here, guys. Yeah. And then, oh, oh, we get to watch Cybach do the full Gary Busy run. Oh my God.

I agree. Hey, Cybach, we're gonna meet God. Can you turn the run down a bit? Just crank it down. We're meeting God and I feel like the failing arms is a little much. Yes. Oh, and we should point out to back on the enterprise,

Scotty is Boston is asked trying to fix that transporter for the big finale, right? That'll be important later. We should point out that like, they're like, hey, Scotty, we're about to meet God. Do you want to see? And he's like, I, Scotty, we're about to meet God. Do you want to see? And he's like, I'm fixing the espresso machine. Whoa, but.

So. All right. I mean, get it fixed. Yeah, right. All right. So back on the surface of the planet, nothing happens, right? So they get to the planet. They just wander around for a second.

And the side box just like, uh, hey, God, are you up? Oh, and then everybody has to give them the whole like, uh, you know, maybe God's just at the grocery store and he'll be right back speech, but just that a big giant God earthquake kicks up. So it's, it's okay. We're fine. Yeah.

For those 10 minutes, it's picking your buddy up from the blind date that didn't show the star track. Yeah. Huh? You want to get fucked up and go to a strip club? Yeah, let's get fucked up and go to a strip club. I'm going to fight a bouncer. You are going to fight a bouncer. Do you want me to just punch you in the face now? It's so much better.

I'll do it like this. No, I want to get punched in the face, my bouncer. All right. And then so, yeah, so there's a big earthquake and everything and they start walking in So it's so much better. We'll do it like this. No, I want to get punched in the face, my bow. So. All right. All right. And then so yeah, so there's a big earthquake and everything and they start walking in this direction as though there's something there, but there's nothing there. So basically, they're just walking towards the source of the suspenseful music.

I like to feel like in those moments and movies, it's like they go left and the music gets quiet or they're like, nope, it's right. It's to the right. The music is getting more suspenseful that way. I'm hearing violins when we go left and like no strings at all. Right. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, so this is the moment where God shows up. This is where I walked out of this movie in theaters. I want to point out I was 13 God damn years old when this came out. It was the first movie I ever walked out of. Oh, seeing this was where I walked into this movie.

You were like, no, you got to watch Star Trek 5 and I was like, man, they were like, they meet God. And I was like, man, you had me. So, yeah. So the big giant God pillar shows up up he shows them all the various God faces and they're like We go through planet of the apes god. Yep, then we have the you have no power here God from Lord of the Rings guy Yep, we have some kind of Egyptian looking god and then just like a normal looking cling on Yeah, just a cling They all look the same to me. I wanted them to go all the way with this montage. They're sitting outside a dressing room. God comes out, then comes back out again

in a different God-based, pretty one. Yeah, that's the one. And yeah, does this big mistake, huge. I love how impactful God expected this to be and it wasn't at all. You're like, oh, are you seriously God? He's like one voice, many faces. Here are five of them.

They're like, oh, five. Yeah. Five faces. Well, and also eventually he settles on Santa fucked the cowardly lion. Yeah, I said, why is God's beard curled like a girl's hair at prom? All right, so they're like hey God great to meet you and he's like, yes cool. Do you guys came on a starship? Can I have it?

Yeah, they're also like we we saw your infinite wisdom God and We, we sought your infinite wisdom, God. And God at this moment, which is really the writers having this moment of being like, cool, I am God. In, I thought I could just like wing it. I should. God of like an infinite wisdom thing to measure twice. Cut one. No.

Do I have infinite wisdom? Yeah, I do. Penny saved. Is he? I'm going to say tomorrow. Yeah, he's like, but he needs their starship, right? And Kirk's like, wait a minute. Yeah, Kirk is a great skeptic here. Somebody should give them a YouTube show. Yeah. That's fantastic. He's like, wait a minute, you're supposed to be omnipotent. And then McCoy, all the way by it and he's like, dude, be nice to God, be fucking peopleite.

Kirk, you are embarrassing us in front of God. Right, yes. By it. It's like my wife and every family gathering. I'm ever going to say. It's so good because God keeps asking questions and Kirk's like, no, I'm just going to stop you right there. You keep asking questions, but you're omnipotent. Why are you asking questions?

And then he gets shot with a laser and God's like, okay, now do you believe I'm God? And everybody's like, no. Now you're just, you're a guy with a laser. We have laser sticks. I mean, to be fair, God who lasers you is the most accurate God we have ever seen on God awful movies. Yes, Abrahamically speaking, this absolutely tracks right? So we poke our heads out of the shuttle. That's God. All right. Yeah. We read the book. I'm going to be in here. Quick. He's going to give you a plague or something. If you guys keep

biking around, there are a bouncer here. We can fight. Well, none of you guys are Jewish. And I love that curking gets another like you know who the fuck I am moment. Yeah. Who is this creature? But back is like, yeah, you know what? this is a bullshit, God, y'all. And sideback is like, Oh, well, now I will have to sacrifice myself so that you guys can all get away. And like, not, not really, but fine. We're done with this character anyway. You're annoying. So, yeah. So he walks in and I love this because he's like, he's like, I guess he's gonna do the

share your pain trick that he did with McCoy with God. It's just God's mothering God's dad with a how badly were you guys hoping for a doodly do to Mormonism? Just I was drunk and then there's this asshole in the state of New York. I told him treasure could be slippery. Why would anyone buy that? You know, they're hiding a hundred billion dollars. I don't want to get it.

And I love that visually we step into an 80s fantasy metal music video here. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Well, okay. And then the enterprise shoots God with a torpedo. Yeah, no, that'll fuck you right up. I guess Kirk's like fire the missiles and check out his like but sir and he's like this movie might kill the franchise anyways and he's like, this movie might kill the franchise anyways. So who the shit did that?

All right. So now the good guys run back to the shuttle. Apparently this was supposed to have been this huge, awesome sequence with rock monsters chasing them and everything, but they just didn't have the budget for it. So they had to throw all of that out at the last minute. Or actually, I'm sorry, if I remember correctly, they did film a bunch of it. It just looks so goddamn shitty that they cut all of it. Exactly.

And what we get is a pillar of smoke and a voice going, you, and I just desperately needed a beat to drop in backup dancers to come out. Oh, if God turned out to be dead mouse, this is my favorite movie. All right, so they run back to the shuttles. The shuttles not working. But luckily, Scotty has just enough transporter juice to teleport everybody up except chat, right? Yep.

So they get spock and everybody back and then the Klingons attack just then. Because the Klingons want Kirk Just in time to keep this movie going for like 12 minutes longer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right, right But the fuck okay, we'll get to the resolution so goddamn stupid. Okay, so now Kirk is gonna have to use his rock climbing skills to escape from the wrath of God full circle mother fuckers All the way back around. So he gets to the top of this mountain or whatever. God's angry at him and he's about to kill him, but just then the Klingon ship shows up and shoots God in the face to death. He starts track kills God the movie.

And then the Klingon's teleport Kirk aboard their ship. It turns out that the fat Klingon from earlier is going to make this Klingon apologize as though he was your grandma making you think someone for bringing you water. And it's literally the bit he and I do about like, say you're sorry. No, like you mean it is. That's the resolution to the whole fucking movie. It's the Klingon apologizing for him. We shot God in the face. No, sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's a good work. I really enjoyed that like old broken down Klingon gets a redemption arc. Yeah, totally unexpected. Also, and then they're like, and by the way, who was sitting in the gunner's chair when we shot God in the face? Spock. Right, except it was the captain's chair, which is a big ass. Stupid movie. Thank you.

Also, do you need to point out that I think when they kill God, the sound that God makes is the same sound they used when the cat stripper died? Is it really like I'm almost positive? That's a copy paste. I'm almost positive. Awesome. I was expecting the fucking will I'm scream at this point? Okay.

Honestly, I'm surprised. So, okay? Honestly, friends. So okay, and then we have this fucking this scene now where the Klingons are their buddies now and they're all hanging out and having a drink. Yeah. This is my favorite part of all Star Trek

shows, movies, just document whatever it is. There is no Star Trek movie. Unless there's an awkward drinking and having lunch together with the aliens. You were just fighting scene where it's like, so forehead wrinkles. Are those your foreheads? Like, you know, that's a forehead, huh? No, is that offensive? I'm sorry.

I have a lot of weird. Ling on Don't crack. Opposite. All right. So I know. So by the way, we have to establish the check off really wants to fuck the cling on lady with a bad accent for some reason. Right. So it was pretending to go along while actually thinking about wanting to fuck check on.

Yeah. Right. Very bucket. They also have amazing whiskey glasses. That was the only thing I took away from the scene was the big Klingon guy. He's drinking whiskey out of it's, it's like a giant sword grip plus a whiskey glass on top of it. And I need one of those. That's awesome with like a pole like ornate grabby part plus a tiny little whiskey glass.

Yeah, for sure. Two votes. Thanks for telling me that right after Christmas, man, I had to get your cash. Are you kidding me? All right. I'll go get all the cash. That's perfect. All right. And so, and then of course, we have to wrap this up with McCoy wondering if there really is a God and Kirk say, well, maybe he's here in our hearts where the Vulcans made love back in the day or, you know, whatever. And maybe the real God is the friends we made along the way. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's learned something very important today.

And also there's this great homoerotic moment between Kirk and Spock, where Kirk is like, you know, well, I lost a brother once, but I got him back. You know, and that's of course a reference to Star Trek's two and three, except, except Kirk did have a brother that died in the original series. Yep. Well, the cold blooded fucking thing for him to say in this moment. I meant to all her brother, you know, brother, brother, brother.

You guys are making it weird. Brother, brother. All right. So, but and then of course we have to end the movie with Kirk Spock and McCoy finishing up that camping trip from before. I shit you not. We end fading to black on them all singing. Ro, Ro, Ro, your boat. Yeah. And again, they can't keep together. No, no, no. This is the closest they got to them getting it together. And that is why it's the end of the movie.

Seven shooting days later someone was just like, okay, it's over. We're not doing it. We're done. We're done. Everybody. All right, so I have a serious question here and I want to appeal to the trackie and half trackie that we have on the call. After this movie, why was Star Trek still a thing? Like, why did this not kill the fucking franchise? Well, it almost did. And the only reason they were going to do another one was someone came up with a concept for like a Starfleet Academy movie, so they didn't have to pay the original cast so they

could be like a low budget. And that was kind of how they were going to slide it in there. So they wrote this script that was about all of them in their Starfleet Academy years and apparently everyone hated it. And I couldn't actually find, aside from that, they all came up with the concept of Star Trek 6, which is like Chernobyl happens in space and all of that. And Nicholas Meyer, I guess, just got it made. Like I did a bunch of research and I wasn't able to find like who like made them convinced

to do it aside from saying that like, you can't spend a single more dollar on Star Trek six than you did on Star Trek five. And like the studio was super nuts about that. But I think it was a combination of that and the fact that there was like a big anniversary coming up and they wanted to like give it one more shot, I guess. Okay. Well, yeah, I guess that makes it because the next generation had come out right before this movie, right?

Yeah, about a year before. Yeah. Okay. All right. So yeah. Okay. And I mean, speaking for me personally, Star Trek, Star Trek will be that weird high school relationship that should have ended way sooner, but didn't

because push comes to shove. I'm going to hang out in the Star Trek universe, even if it means a fist fight of God and singing Roro Roro your boat. Okay. Well, I just want to be back on the Enterprise. I don't really care. All the other fictions bad. Make other good, make other good movies if you want me not to want to twice in theaters.

Jesus. Eli, are you talking about your high school relationship with religion that should have ended way earlier? Talking about Star Trek. All right. Well, Kelly, thank you again for hanging us out with us today and for answering all of his questions. So patiently, if our listeners want to hear

more from you, I'll remind them where they should go. Oh, it's, it's my pleasure. I'm very accustomed to answering uncomfortable questions about things that are very important. Oh, that's true. Yeah. That is kind of, kind of, kind of, you're an expert in it. First bullet point on my resume right there. Patron stay tuned for 45 minutes of us asking about the they pronoun. And my vagina. It's fine. I run the gamut. So my show is called Queer's Plainting Queer's Plainting.com anywhere you can find podcasts. All right. And I want to throw in a plug. It is a very, very well done show. It's right up there. Like it is a top notch. I know some podcasts are not like, you know, they don't really,

you know, what? I'm just going to cut this because there's no way for me to finish this without insulting everybody, but us and Kelly. So, I'll keep that one close to my heart. What we're saying is it's not cognitive dissonance. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going crazy. This was just saying nice things. So you know Joe Rogan opposites check him out. All right. So and of course, we'll have that linked on the show notes. And hopefully we can have you out again sometime to do something that isn't the should have been death. No, of the Star Trek franchise. It's fine. I mean, it's it's all good. I mean, you have the trans person to talk about trans stuff. You have the Star Trek person to talk about Star Trek stuff. I understand

how you guys operate now. All right. Okay. Toconing is what we call it. Okay. That is going to do it for our review of Star Trek. Five, the final frontier. Of course, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to coax ourselves into doing this again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, I am on vacation. So I've left you a lovely gift behind from the makers of the accidental bar mitzvah and Gramps goes to college comes the pro abstinence movie.

Not damn it. Love. Wait. Oh, I'm so ready for that. I mean, the title, I like the title. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up so 230 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kelly Wright for suffering alongside us and even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you like to got yourself among their rights, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earnably access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and sharing of the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this gave the idea a citation needed in the skeptic route, which are available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law. This is a P. Andrew Taurus Tim Robertson,

takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written performed by Brian Slotting of People's Drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used in mission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Renton, Eli Bosnick. I'm no Illusions, Promise, and Work Hard to Earn Another Shunk Next Week Until Then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Kirk and Spock went on rocket boots and they fucked all over the skies of Yosemite. I don't want to go now. You're not the same don't you freaking? I'm not the same don't you freaking? I'm not the same don't you freaking?

I'm not the same don't you freaking? I'm not the same don't you freaking? I'm not the same don't want to go now. You're not a single, don't you forget about me? Yes! The Star Wars franchise would take another 13 years to get this back. Jean Roddenberry would spend the rest of his life explaining to Bigots who liked his show that he was not, in fact, on their side.

Hehehe. Poor Jean. God is dead mouse. Hehehe. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved. Thank you.