God Awful Movies - 236: The Crossroads of Hunter Wilde

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

This week, the guys take the stage in Hollywood, California for an atheist review of "The Crossroads of Hunter Wilde." It's the story of Mike Norris wanting to do a post-apocalypse movie without actually nailing down what kind of apocalypse he was doing. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Do you guys think when that happens in Christian movies like Jesus tattles to his dad like he knocks on his study? Your demons aren't going in my name again. Either making me look like a fucking idiot. My hands hurt for like six hours, Dad. Plus I'm you. And a ghost. So fat-religious, stupid. God awful.

Movie. Movie. OOVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIV So awesome. Alright, this is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because there is a non-zero chance that after November all of our lives are going to depend on our ability to feign evangelical Christianity. A familiarity with Kirk Cameron's filmography could save your fucking life. Of course, I am your host, No Illusions, and joining me from Stage Right, please welcome my good friend, Heath and rights! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! So far! And of course, also joining us... Oh, this can't go well. Please don't be dressed as Kopey Bryant.

Please don't be dressed as Kopey Bryant. Please don't be dressed as Kopey Brian. Please welcome my bad friend Eli Bosnick! All right. Eli, for the folks listening at home, how would you describe the outfit? California. I don't think that's California, too. It's not lit it up. What if I lit it on fire? OK, all right.

Yeah, that would do it. Eli, did you also bring real clothes? Yeah. Could you put them on, please? I have to share something. OK. Next door in the other theater is a 50th anniversary production of the Blueest Eye.

The Pulitzer-winning book by Tony Morrison. And for a moment in the bathroom line, being several, I assume very proud African-Americans were like, Oh, my God. You can just imagine what it's like backstage with these these guys or you can log on to facebook and see the video that i posted earlier so i didn't find elise penis whatever you think that means that's what happened

yet there's video of it on facebook too alright so while he's uh... while he's getting dressed he tell us what will we be breaking down today alright we watched the crossroads of Hunter Wild. It's the story of a prepper compound in Texas during the End Times. Maybe? Was it during the End Times?

Sure. Maybe the End Times, and they used their Christianity to survive attacks by Islamic militants in Texas and demon, who of course is a demon of color. So let me try this one more time. I'm gonna make a little more simple. We watched Republican wet dream the moon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha into being the son of Chuck Norris. Oh, it's pretty fun. It's bad. All right, and Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you loved American, but it was too action-packed and fact-based, you will love this movie. Alex Jones literally watched this movie, thought to himself, I can do better, and was right. What I love about this movie is that it was all the apocalypse is at once, right? It was like they all sat down and they were like,

okay, obviously this is what kind of apocalypse are we gonna go? And they all said four different fucking things and then they never agreed on it all the way through the writing of the script. Somebody's going, but what about the zombies, right? Fuck me and we told Frank, they would be zombies too. I feel like someone was just fucking with Mike Norris.

Like he was at a bar on his third Apple Teenie, and he was like, that's why you need the Saul Pills man and a me somewhere in the middle of Texas, was like, but what would you do about zombies? He's like, good question, great question. This is a fucking movie script right here. What would you do about Zomini? He's like, good question, great question. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is a fucking movie script right here. Ha ha ha ha.

Please let me blow you. Ha ha ha ha. It's a beautiful song. All right, so, please let me blow you. I was really hoping you would. Jack Damon, absolutely. There's a reprise at the end.

You'll love it. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with the best worst actor name. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. We can do the entire episode on this channel.

Jordan Dragon King. It's an actor in this movie. That's Dragon King. One word. Yes. Internal caps. Yes, yes. Is capital K.

Dragon King's came over on the Mayflower Yeah, no the honest on it. I hate you, but yeah, they didn't have a choice The blue and styrofoam We don't get side tackled by somebody from this next theater. I'm gonna be disappointed. We'll deserve it. The ghost risk presents the invisibility. I read it. Right.

And by the way, one other detail on, oh, only one? On Jordan Dragon King. Oh, I want so many more than just one. It's a list. Oh, okay, good. It's a list. According to his personal bio on IMDB. So many more than just one it's a list so okay good. It's a list according To his personal bio on IMDB Jordan dragon king I

wrote this down exactly is a king capitalized Also capitalized is the rest of this list King soulpreneur It's not even spelled right spelled it's spelled soulpreneur, notpreneur, like, but, artists again capitalized and world citizens. I read this before I started watching this movie and I was like, yeah, great, I quit the movie.

I'm not. Yeah. All right. I too, well, I did the exact opposite. I was so caught him in once I got through the IMDb page. So I was going to go, I'm not getting to the movie itself either. I was going to go with Best Worse character list on IMDb. All right, I shit you not. These are the characters in order. I'm going to set aside the fact that one of these characters is played by Jordan Dragon King for a second.

Just give you the characters themselves. Randy, so far so good. Mutant. It's two, who is that? I saw the movie. It's one of the zombies. So Randy, Mutant, tortured soul, dag on, pastor Paul. Obviously. I love this one.

Demon slash crew. Rough. It's always rough. It's not the kind of slash you want to be. Demon grip. Yeah. Claire and ball. I was going to give this one best worst plot strand because through the

beautiful smoothie that is Mike Norris' brain, we will start about 67 apocalypse movies and then wander away from them like grandma falling into the pool at the retirement home. It's really a sploosh. How she wanted to go, don't be sad. That's the Jewish version of a Viking funeral. Oh. Oh. All right. Well, as my IMDB list is already demonstrated

on the other side of this break, we have mutants, torjord souls, demons, bell, and mic fucking Norris. So we're going to keep the break brief and we'll be back soon with all the convoluted naval gazing that is, the crossroads of Hunter Wild. I welcome to grocery store meat buying experience where in a case all day under hot lights is the best idea we still have. How can I poison you today? Um, yeah, okay. I was looking for high quality meat, you know, like grass fed beef, free range chicken, that kind of thing. Do you guys sell that? Nope. No, but you know, we do have we have

F R 33 range chicken if you're interested. F R 33. If you squint kind of looks like it says free. Okay, no, well, yeah, no, I get it. But I was kind of looking for the real thing like real chicken the animal. Yeah, no, in that case, you want butcher box. Oh, what's butcher box? Well, butcher box believes everyone deserves high quality meat. Every month, butcher box, ships a curated selection of high quality meat right to your home. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. And each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. Okay, but is it fresh? Heck, yeah, is. But your box is packed fresh and shipped frozen in vacuum sealed, so it stays that way. And which meats do I get? Well, you can customize your box or go with one of theirs.

Either way, you get exactly what you want. And what about here, what do you guys have? Well, here you could have the great one or the other great one. Other great one? Okay, yeah, that does not sound great. the great one or the other great one. Other great one. Okay. Yeah. That does not sound great. Well, how does ground beef for a life sound?

I mean, that sounds pretty amazing. Well, right now butcher box is offering new members ground beef for life. That's two pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of their subscription. Plus $20 off their first box. So you're saying if I sign up for butcher box right now, I get two pounds of ground beef for free for as long as I subscribe. That's right.

That is a lot of free meat. It sure is. Just go to butcherbox.com slash awful or enter promo code awful at checkout. That's butcherbox.com slash awful or enter promo code awful at checkout. All right, I'm going right now. Cool.

Me and the meat will be right here. Okay. We'll be here. Got it. Yep. Great. Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting

for the Crossroads of Hunter Wild. Yeah. Great. Okay, so why don't we go around and introduce ourselves? All right, I'll go first. Ross Rose of Hunter Wild. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So why don't we go around and introduce ourselves? All right. I'll go first.

I'm Mike Norris. My body is a weapon. And I am literally so far in my father's shadow that the entertainment company I own with my wife is literally called second fiddle entertainment. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hi, I'm Jordan Dragon King. Hi Jordan.

As you can literally read in my IMDB bio, I am a king, solepreneur, what artist, world citizen. And in 2012, me and my family decided to end our relationship with our slave names in order to legally and spiritually establish the Dragon King family legacy. Our family philosophy is rooted in the mantra of following your heart with sovereignty. Okay. Okay. I'm Tim. I work with Patterson

films. I have two cats. Two cats? What a weirdo. Yeah, for real, get a pet cobra. Yeah, we're human. Okay. Are you gonna? Ha ha ha ha. And we're back! Woo!

All right, so we're gonna open this movie up with Isaiah 24-1, which I'm gonna paraphrase here. God is gonna fuck everything six kinds of up. That's really Isaiah as a whole, too. Yeah, and we're also gonna get, is this the voiceover of Mike Norris? Yes, uh-huh. Okay, I wrote this one down, too. I had fun with this. He says, I can't believe that a cabal of liberal terrorists. And I was like, yep, quit the movie again.

Cool. I heard it. So yeah, so we're five words in before we get cabal of liberal terrorists. Literally five words into this movie before that comes up. Yep. Cabal of liberal terrorists could fall for the lies spewed by, and at this point I'm like, all right,

how's he gonna avoid the anti-Semitic slurring? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha media. Jews, damn it! The Jews, Pigs, Cut. Was that a long enough pause? Did we get that one? It was a long enough pause, everybody! Let's go to Pomegran! Please, let me surf, you ding- So, while we're getting this whole voice over about the goddamn Liberals starting a civil war, We're getting this whole voiceover about the goddamn liberal starting a civil war. We're cutting between riot footage and footage of Mike Norris wandering around a paintball course. That's his prepper compound. It is a paintball.

Yeah, it is. It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. We're a minute and 26 seconds into the movie before they start reusing the same footage in their montage. The footage of him in the deer stand. Right. He's sad.

He has like a sniper rifle, but it's just a scope of his sniper rifle. So we can see that his tattoo took the rifle back. My greatest regret in life is not getting to say nice tree house to Mike Norris as he was shooting this booby So you could like loudly yell at me that it's called a survival hut or whatever Fall down with an aneurysm anti-Semitic slur. I could have ended Mike Norris right then and there and just like this is great My kid would love this. I'll have you know her My kid would love this. I'll have you know her! I'll have you know her!

So, but literally the script for this movie, okay, it opens up on him noticing a pickup truck from his deer stand with his rifle scope. It just starts on the letters, EXT followed by all the red net words Mike Norris could fit into one sentence. And he's using the scope, this truck's 50 yards away from him. Yeah, right. So he's like, yeah, truck. The whole screen is him.

So dumb. So okay, but the truck is a friend of his. So apparently, we're post-apocalypse were six months after the apocalypse. The world ended six months ago. We will never decide on how the fucking world ended in this movie. And he is apparently giving out supplies to all the various Christian compounds that are still surviving after the apocalypse. Yeah, if I sum that up, and well, I mean, he's giving supplies. He's focused more on appointments, mostly, is it an appointment-based economy at this point?

I love that. That's what Mike Norris is focused on. Like the apocalypse in his head is about to fucking happen and he's like, we're gonna need Neo-Sporan. Because I am rashi. A lot. It's not even the apocalypse yet. I am rashi. Imagine the horse scorpion locusts.

They're gonna give you a fuck. It can be a lot. Yeah. You're gonna need some Neo-Sporan, yeah. But the guy shows up and the guy's like, oh yeah, all the people at my compound have gotten the disease. And he's like, really, I thought we were going with liberal terrorist cabal. The disease, what the fuck happened? Is happening now?

Oh, I can't hear the voice over, Mike. That's just you. I thought my daughter was sick with the Antifa. I thought my daughter was sick with the Antifa. You got her real bad. She got an undercut overnight. I just woke up and she had it. You got to put Nios porn on that. All right. And then Muslims show up to kill him.

Surprise, my Lord! And these could, we should throw out there, what Mike Norris thinks of Muslims is a terror. It's a hell that we should all live in for a moment, because he very clearly has no friends. He could even close to match to Middle East. And so he was just like, all right, well, they wrap their heads, right? And then three smothered extras later, is just like a winner cap over a third of his face. And he's just like, oh, Akbar, come on, man, it's hot out here. LAUGHTER

Also, there is not a single extra in the shootout who is not making PQPQ noises with his mouth. Oh, no. It's, they might as well put censored bars in front of them and it's just like, pw, man, I'm done anyway. Can I please show my favorite piece of biography in the entire thing? Please do.

So here's what happens with Mike Norris. There's a bad guy and he has a machine gun, right? And Mike Norris has to lift his leg to here. And you can see in slow motion, Mike Norris be like, please, I can't. I can't. Please lower that fucking gun. So what happens is this.

And then this fucking teenager who was promised two, three hours of paintball just goes, like, doesn't even fall. He just sort of like, I'm out, I'm out. I'll know more act bar just just to be context the muslim army is working for the jewish liberal cabal yes right yes

those two are working together here exactly to create a disease that the guy's daughter was dying it's we it's if there's a lot to keep track of well some push pins out here later and so yarn So yeah, and then of course the Muslim guy is like he's disarmed now right Mike Norris has Spun kicked the gun I think I was fucking it around house kick by Chuck Norris junior. Yeah, it is it is So he looks at in the Muslim guys like but ha ha ha you're a Christian so you can't kill me Christians are too good for that. So, and he's like, oh, I got to admit, you're right.

I am, I am a Christian. A Muslim totally would do, no, I know, I would kill you in this situation, but you can't kill me. So instead, because he's the good guy, he just zip ties the bad guy up and then beats the fuck out of him. He's like, no, this is just enhanced interrogation.

It's not even torture, technically, really. I mean, who knows. You know, if you ask the lawyers for the Justice Department. But while this is happening, someone mysterious is watching Mike Norris from afar. Jordan Dragon King. It is. Spoiler alert. It is. It is.

Spoiler alert. It is. It's the first gentleman of color in the movie. But he can't do the still like silent intimating thing. So what we see is the back of him doing this. Like when you've told a five year old to count to 10, and they're just like, Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. old to count to ten and they're just like... Seven? No, talent ten, the full ten. Do I have to start over? So Mike Norris drives away in his badass prepper truck. We'll talk more about his badass prepper truck in a moment. Does it have bazookas attached to it? Okay, no, no.

What it has is it has a cage all the way around it. Those are bars. So these are cage and bazookas. I'm not saying they're not bazookas. I'm saying there is a cage. It's a cage made of missiles, perhaps. Oh, jeez. I mean, I'm not saying no.

Like, if I get a prepper stock up, I'm definitively saying no. right? Like, you know, I've been to Preppers.com. You've been it if he say no. I'm a cage of missiles. You could call it Missilus Cage. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's so don't encourage him. I was my brain. My brain worked so hard on that shitty joke. Like, a single strand of blood came out of my brain. My brain worked so hard on that shitty joke. Like a single strand of blood came out of my nose.

I forgot all of the third grade. I can't tell you what color my wife's eyes are and a missile is quaint. Like the actor. My music cue for this scene, by the way, is Mark Wahlberg is gonna fight his way out of that oil rig if it's the last thing he does. Yes, that is the music for for this scene by the way is mark walberg is gonna fight his way out of that oil rig if it's the last yes that is the music for every fucking scene regardless of what's happening in

this movie up so yes so he drives away his badass prepper truck and the muslim that he left changed the place that he was I believe he gets eaten by the first first black man in the movie it's gonna go downhill from here guys and also okay so the next part of the movie we're getting this little montage of him driving around he's driving back to his ranch or whatever and I only only bring this scene up because this is introduces one of the themes of the movie which is Pensive Squatting all right there are 133 scenes where we watch Mike Norris go like this. That's at least 20% of the film. But we like not anywhere close to Noah's mobility.

Oh, no, no, much slower, much slower. Every shot is defined by how long it was until Mike Norris toppled over. There she goes, There she goes. Flip me back. The sun is drying out my portacultus. Oh, the Ronnie's listening at home Elias now just rolling around like a turtle. That's the humor that you get when you come to the live show. That's right, shoulda come to the live show. All right, so now we're gonna get introduced to Chuck Norris, or to Mike Norris' amazing Christian,

we have this establishing shot of the Christian compound. It's everything that I've ever wanted in my life. We see all the different, like all the people post-apocalypse all. It's seeming to have a great old. It's just like, it's just LULU LULU doing apocalypse stuff. It's got like whittling a sharp stick into an AR-15 somehow and like fixing a pile of tires for tires having. Also apparently this community is made up of a college brochure.

Like they have every, at one point I expected like an Eskimo guy to pop out and be like, hey, I got the fish today and they're like, thank you, Binky, come on! Yeah, no, no, there was a very lookout racist, this movie isn't kind of going on in that scene. Although I will say all the people who start causing problems immediately, we'll get to that. But first we need to spend some time on the fire pit. Who?

Because who at a 24% or more of this movie being made up of fire pit talk is you won. You won. A hole in the ground with stones around it and a decorative gazebo. Oh, well, yes, there is a decorative gazebo for all yes there is a decorative because you both are a pop lips compound yes as a priority because you know there's no reason just because

it's the apocalypse there's no reason to give up on aesthetics that that's that's all they're saying but yes so one one of the characters this is Randy he'll be very important for 16 minutes and then we'll never see him again he has made a fire pit and

everyone's super excited about the fucking fire pit and he explains to him all either they're having like a ceremony like a ribbon cutting on the fire pit and he explains to everyone that it will be a conduit to God that they'll all be able to hang out around the fire pit and talk to God who's obviously really It's so stupid. Everything they do. They also, we also get a decoration for the fire bit, not just the gazebo fence. Somebody has welding, has used their only welding tools and their gas power generator at their combat to make a little like restoration hardware like welded outside. And it says the title of their apocalypse compound.

Okay, so here's the thing, somebody told Mike Norris that the title of the movie had to have a double meaning. The title of the movie is The Crossroads of Hunter Fucking Wild. Oh my God, I hadn't pieced this together. Hunter Wild is the case. Hunter and then Wild, so it's totally different. You get it as the character's name. But it's The Crossroads of Hunter Wild, the name of the town you see is crossroads, which they introduce

Clevverly right here by the girl saying, I made a sign that said crossroads, that's the name of our town. It's really good writing. It really is. They nailed it. Still has the old country kitchen tag on it. Ha ha ha. Trying to hide it. So, okay. You can still see it. So Mike Norris is still coming back in his miscellus cage truck. But he's, thank you, that joke works so well. It just really just kind of came to me.

If you would like a miscellus cage t-shirts, they're selling a lot better than the please let me suck your dick album. So, shouldn't it gone for a Christmas album? It's fucking February. It's a stupid, that's on me. Morgan worked so hard. Love you, buddy.

So, Mike Norris gets back in his, in his cage truck. He gets back to his fucking Christian compound with his giant merc and flag. They all run back to his fucking christian compound with its giant mercenac flag they'll run back to greet him and to find out what happened you know they're like did anything exciting adventures happen to you in the last days like why it the answer is we

we got jumped by ice-s ISIS rebels in Texas. It's weird that ISIS was able to take over, you know, the well-armed citizenry of Texas. I thought that was really cool. There were so many good guys with guns. But that's what's happened. Yep.

And they got jumped for their ointments. Yep. Yeah. So, Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Not worth it. Also, if a Jewish cabal took over the country, wouldn't ISIS be on the same team as the prepers in Texas at that point? I don't think the movie is aware of anything. Yeah, I just like that they're getting along so well. It's just nice for one-state solution, Texas.

Yeah! I solved it. You're welcome. Palestine and Israel. You didn't even have to read 50 fucking books, Kushner. You're a move. You're a move on the fucker. So, so yeah, so he explains to everyone that the goddamn ISIS rebels took over and he has to throw in the goddamn ISIS rebels took over and Eddie Estet throw in

the thing with the piece like he's like, yeah, we were jumped by ISIS rebels and I don't know there's a fucking virus too. It seems like Frank needed zombies in the movie for some reason. I don't know. Mike Norris just made a list of his greatest fears and it was like, all right, ISIS, obviously, ISIS, coronavirus, yeah. Jewish media done. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So that, oh, and we have to mention the guys were on watch.

So there's this entire weird subplot that there's these three guys were on perpetual watch. There's like, there's three names in a hat and they pull out three names every night or something, right? And they all want to go, two of them want to go to see the fucking fire pit because it's pretty exciting shit. And the third guy will not, there's a gazebo gate and everything, it's lovely. But the third guy will not let him go see the fucking fire pit.

And up till now that has been the plot of the film. Oh, I thought one of them was gonna die in his last request was gonna be dragged over to the fire pin. So he's got a marshmallow, coughin' up blood. Oh, burned it. Oh. So, but now the goddamn characters

you're gonna play go fish. These three characters have decided to play go fish. The card name Mike Norris could name. The characters have been up and down. I got one. The card name. Yeah, like that one. And the actors are playing it like they're playing poker, which is fucking amazing. Right. He's like, yes.

You guys ready to go hard? Core, go fish. Any of your pretzel sticks, motherfucker. No passing on the draw. So. Yes, twos and sixes are wild. So. Wait, here's the thing.

So to play go fish, the first guy, he pulls out his cards, he takes three cards off the top and sets them aside. I so wanted the scene to continue. I wanted that shot to continue, but you know he like shoot through his own fucking wrists or something immediately after that. He had no idea how cards might be delved out for go fucking fish, right? That's all we got. How do you play go fish?

You deal with seven cards, Steve? You see each person, and then you know what, nevermind. I'll show you like quality fucking podcast. So, okay, but now we have to go to like the main, I don't know, compound planning room with the radio and shit. This is where Mike Norris is hanging out with Pastor Paul. And Pastor Paul is all pissed off to the... God, Jesus, sounds like I'm doing a fucking tongue twister.

Pastor Paul is all pissed off that they haven't been raptured. And this is where they do the fist bump. No, come worst. Yes. You need to be able to see this. This is how it goes Do we do right yeah, okay Dragon King taught us that one

It's pretty cool Hello, hello We're in the back lips and this is also where we're gonna meet Joe It's pretty cool. Hello. Hello. We're in the apocalypse. And this is also where we're going to meet Joe. This is Mike Norse's character's daughter, who I thought was his love interest for a very long time in the movie. So did he. So did him.

Confused. Yeah. Yeah, it turns out to be the daughter. After some intense mid-film negotiations on her part, I think. But the key is, though, is the pastor, their spiritual leader, the guy who's gonna spend the entire movie reading the fucking Bible, is starting to think that the rapture happened, right? The apocalypse happened.

They didn't get raptured, and therefore they were on the wrong track. Maybe Aala was really Akbar the whole time. Oh, that would have been so much better if Pastor Paul subplotted just been named like secretly trying out other religions like they walk in, he's meditating and they're like, what do you do? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I read all of Cecil's lines. Alright, so meanwhile, the guards are still playing Go Fish, and we've seen that the evil demon is wandering around inside their compound.

Now the evil demon, all we've seen is we we've seen his eyes and we've seen him from the back and we know he's wearing a hoodie. So we know he's an African-American gentleman in a hoodie. Like, if the bad guy in this movie is Trevon Martin, I'll be 0% surprised. This movie is the apocalypse and the fact that a black guy in a hoodie makes it through this Christian compound is the least realistic thing in the movie. Also, I want to talk about the eyes because so someone took a makeup class or heard about a makeup class or YouTube makeup because they were like under eye makeup is scary but they use a dark blue eyeshadow.

So he just looks like a drag queen missed the entire time. And at a certain point this black man will be in black face, it gets really confusing the makeup. Make up choices that they make in this. You can say he has the blueest eye. I like to think that they can hear everything we're saying. And their audience has just gone from horrified to like, hmm. All right, I got to admit that was pretty good. I didn't see that one coming. I didn't see that one coming. All right.

So now Wally, who has the go fish subhan to the group. Wally goes off to pee. And we all have, so he goes off to pee, he goes off to pee, and then the name is like, hey, and he turns around. And all of us have it our fucking notes is he peeing on the name and our what? And the movie never explores that. The name is really pissed afterwards, so probably. I wanna watch that scene so bad,

where he's just like, WALL-LEET. Oh, come on, man! There's no way for me to spin this story, Wally. Oh, how was it being on Earth for the first time? It was fine. I got peed on. Fuck you, Wally. You ruined my first demonet.

Pea, all over my shoes now. The best case scenario I can say is that I peed on my own shoes while I was on Earth. Give me your eye makeup. I'm a winter mother fucker. So yeah, so, so Wally pisses on the demon. Fightin' Nichols. So, yeah, so, so, Wally pisses on the demon. Fat and nickel. And, and, and then he walks back, he's freaking out all the buddies that he's been playing to go fish with.

They're like, you know, they're like, hey man, but how? I beat on the demon shut up. You beat on a demon. What? So, he, he runs off and everyone's like, it's middle of his fucking shift. I don't know what the hell. We're back in the little planning room and we cut in the middle of the conversation right when we last were in this planning room. Pastor Paul was talking about how, you know, God maybe doesn't exist at all in the rapturous bullshit. So we

cut in with this one character going like, but didn't cause the bad stuff he only gets credit for the good stuff that's the middle of the conversation that we can't that we can't charge in on and no one corrects him or anything and i was like real no that is right don't be silly got didn't cause this this was a normal everyday and t-for-virus chinese liberal jiu bomb a tax Antifa virus Chinese liberal Jew bomb attacks Muslim ISIS Muslim ISIS bomb cool people not by my Christmas album for

1999 let me suck your dick the Christmas hits dot com What did you say the apocalypse the apocalypse apocalypse God I think it I mean I peed on a deep did you So did Wally. So, okay, so there's a stand around the, this room talking about God's role and this movie up to this point. When all of a sudden, the wife of Randy, the guy who made the fire pit comes in, she's like, has anybody seen my husband? He was walking around, I don't know, demon possessed earlier. He went on like a normal, he had a noose.

It was like a normal, like a night, noose walk. A noose walk, yeah. Does anybody, he didn't come back though. And it was anybody seeing him. And they're like, but he peed on a demon because I feel like this is related. So they're like, well, we all know how to handle a missing person in here.

We should all stand exactly shoulder to shoulder and all yell his name repeatedly as we walk through the woods shining flashlights at each other. So they do that. Eli? He's gone. If you want a new husband,

while he just peed on a demon, that's pretty cool. That's like a good Tinder bioline. Do you get a bioline in Tinder? You can write about peeing on the first. No? Can you not? So, you know what? Let's not explore this.

Second thought. Or first, whichever. All right. So they're walking around. They're looking for Randy. And all of a sudden, Mike Norris hears the demon, right? The demon voice says, uh, check the pavilion. This is where Mike Norris is like, hey Steve, um, did you just say check the pavilion but like a demon? Did you, no, I wanted so badly for the demon to say other fancy words for the rest of the movie. It was like, I've poisoned the croquettes. Please enjoy an Amuse bouche. Roy and Amoos Bouch. Pass me the wicker basket, Satan. Is wicker a fancy word to you?

Very much a fancy word. All right. So they go to the, he's like, did somebody say check the pavilion? And I was like, no, nobody said that. They're like, well, let's check the pavilion anyway. I mean, like a demon said check the pavilion. We're gonna take it. So which leads us to believe that the other characters are just used to Mike Norris' character being like, did someone say tacos for dinner? Mike, do you want tacos for dinner?

Nope, it was probably a demon, but we should have tacos for dinner. Just just to be safe. So you go to the Pavilion and they find Randy there, but dammit if Randy hasn't hung himself. And they're focused by the way. He's invested on Randy. He does not matter. And they're focused the entire time is how did he get up there? Because he's like hung from the center of the Pavilion. Yeah, right. No, they're like, wait a minute. How could he hang himself way the hell up there?

Oh, how many deleted cuts of this movie are there where Mike Norris was like, they're like, wait a minute, how could he hang himself way the hell up there? Oh, how many deleted cuts of this movie are there where Mike Norris was like, he stood on the block of ice, I know this one! Cut, cut me, me cut. That's on me. The surgeon's a woman, I know this one. No, sorry, I don't have any lines in this part. So, is a little person as umbrella because it's raining. No, no, he's you not.

Don't ask him what. Don't fucking bite, don't bite that. It's a worm hanging off of a fucking hook right in front of me. What? You're going to think about it for the rest of your life. I'm not going to tell you. You're going to wake up at four in the morning, six years after I'm dead,

and you're gonna be like, why would the little- I don't understand why, how does that- How does that- Everyone has an umbrella when it rains. So, all right. So now that- I'm googling something.

All right. Come back to me. Stop googling. No googling, I said the rules. I should not have Googled that. Okay. So yes, so they're all trying to figure out how could this have happened, right? And then he starts hearing demonic laughter. Mike Norris does, right? And he's like, we guess laughing at it. He's hung over this. This ain't funny. This is serious.

This is serious apocalypse hanging. Yeah, come on now, come on, of Randy. Oh. You're not gonna use any of the tricks that you have written in there okay, you're just gonna leave me hanging and twist them in the window there, thank you. He's like, if much like the demon left Randy.

Full circle, yes All right, well, I'll tell you what if you think that the mysterious death of Randy and Hunter's apparent guilt since he's the one that told them to go to the pavilion finally gave us a plot or That those things will ever be revisited. I Want to give you another minute to live in that moment. So we're gonna take a quick break But we'll be back soon with even more! The Crossroads of Hunter Wild! Cheers!

Cheers! Lulu Lulu, doing heat stuff, heat stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Heath, whatcha doin'? Oh, hey, uh, just, heat stuff like you heard me saying. You know, I'm always wondered, what is heat stuff? Uh, Dolce Farniente, I guess would be the best. What's the name?

Dolce Farniente. Is it an ice cream? I want some of the ice cream. If it's Italian for the pleasure of doing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. But that's not the only great thing the Italians gave us. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. But that's not the only great thing the Italians gave us.

They also gave us Peroni. Those little dumpling things? No. No, no, no. Peroni is a refined beer with a distinctive crisp and refreshing taste and a balanced aroma. It's the ideal beer to enjoy when you want to relax. Whether it's an informal night with friends or a special celebration,

Peroni is ideal for enjoying in style. Wow, that sounds really delicious. It is. Look for Peroni for your next happy hour or as the Italians call it, a Peretivo. Find it in cans and bottles at your local grocery store and follow them on Instagram at PeroniUS USA. Peroni, Italia, whatever you do, do it beautifully. For people over the age of 20, but only, 2020

imported by Bureau Peroni International, Washington, DC. You know what, Heath? I think I'll join you in doing nothing. All right. By all means, let's do it together. Nothing. You think Norman Rockwell ever wrote angry letters? No, you're doing it wrong. Well, I just asked him. No, just never mind. Okay, everybody, gather around. Yes, Hunter.

Yeah, so we're going to survive this thing together. There's some things we're going to need. Like what, Danny? Glad you asked, honey. I need you to make a weird medal like sign that says crossroads on it. You want me to make a sign for our apocalypse shelter? For our apocalypse shelter? Yes, that says crossroads. Or, you know, live laugh love or whatever you

think, something like that. Okay. Great. Great. And Randy and Stephanie, you've actually got the most important job. We have fuel, we have water, we have 340 Baker buckets, but we need you to make a fire pit. Oh, I'm sorry, a fire pit. Oh, I'm sorry, a fire pit. Yeah, fire pit. Yep. You know, for like

toasting marshmallows and stuff. Right, toasting. Mars, Hunter, don't you think we're going to need to build extra housing? Right, so we can rescue people from the outside or or maybe build them defenses against the zombies or whatever. Yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. But first and foremost, like I said, a fire pit. Thank you. Pit for fire. Yep. Okay.

Yeah. Can't rescue people without swars, can you? You can though. Yeah, definitely can. You want to? And we're back! And so is late person, congratulations. And of course, when we last left off,

a demon was in a brutal prank war with Mike Norris, we're going to find out more about that in a minute. It is, it's a prank war. It's the best. That's not an exception. That's going to be out more about that in a minute. It is. It's a prank. It's the best. That's not an exact, that's going to be the plot. Go ahead. No. But if you doubted that at all, we're

about to make that shit explicit by visiting actual hell, where I shit you not. Well, I'm guessing. I'm guessing. I mean, where Satan and his minion are actively plotting against Mike Norris. When you say hell though, this is important. You mean Mike Norris' garage where he's bought one or two red lights?

Yep. And he's also bought some disconnected plumbing, somehow, and a few decorative chain candies, which his hands he will not stop playing with. His minion is distracted by the entire time. There will never be a scene between the two of them where he's not like, like, notice. Oh, hey, hey, hey, we're in a movie.

You got, can you stop for a second? Crab body. You're a... Oh, to my... A change my name to Dragon King. Dragon King, so you know it. You hit it again. Can you just look at, there it is.

You deserve that. I just fist bump with the chain. So? It knows my secret hand shake now. And knows my secret handshake now. So Satan and his demon dag on, that's Jordan Dragon King. Just a subset of his name. He was like, yeah, yeah, tag on. Again, if you say that, that's gross.

But he wants, he's the Satan says, you can go and you can take any soul that you want. Find the strongest soul for it to be, you know, whatever the warrior leader for our game. My honor. Yep, exactly. He's like, oh, I know exactly who the fuck I want. I want Mike fucking Norris. Linchpin of human. Mike Norris.

I want Chuck Norris' third favorite child. Bring him to me. So, yeah, so bad guy wants good guy because good guy is good guy. And then he's like, okay, Satan's like, all right, take on. How will you accomplish this? How will you bring him to the dark side? And he goes, figure like I would switch around his papers and shit, like he would be looking for a paper and he'd be like, I swear it was right there. And then, and then he'd look away and then he'd come back and it would be there. And it had been there the whole time. So, why was he even looking around?

You want to know my evil plan? He will walk the house looking for his keys and not find them. He will walk the house looking for his keys and not find them. Oh, make the discover they are in his hand, Satan. They will be in his hand the entire time. They'll just be holding the key. Yeah, and you're like, ah! Oh, you were done. Oh, I'm done, yeah. Okay. And like, seriously, that's the way it's prank work.

They're going to do a prank. They're going to a prank. They're gonna prank me. They're gonna prank me. Yep. By demons. They cut away here, but I really wanted to see this whole meeting play out. It would have been great. Do do do do do do do do. Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Starvel people in the woods, kind of. And... Dagon, quick thing. Love the creativity. Love it. But I'm Satan, you know, Prince of Darkness, right? I'm thinking maybe we just...

Can you focus up? Yep. Satan? Great. I was thinking we'd push ahead. I had a plan going with a nuclear apocalypse. It's ready to go. I think we just push ahead with that.

Oh, no, give me a chance. This low-level prank war on 100-vile is perfect. I guess, no, I love the enthusiasm. You're into it. You're into it. I just feel like you're thinking really small, like small scale. Are you okay? You said we could try my next idea. Okay, okay, yeah, no, I did, great, that's great.

Awesome, I'm gonna get my pranks ready. Just hope I don't get peed on again. Sorry, what? Oh yeah, I got peed on by a teenager. Woof, right? Oh, yeah, I got p-done by a teenager Woof right wow All right, yes, thank you, thank you And then it's like to be in Oregon to figure out where the fuck to cut the edit for the podcast that we do there Thank you Eli Eli, for that. All right.

So then we had we had back to Mike Norris. He's with his daughter and she's like, hey, you know, I don't want to make two point of point on this. But last time we were on screen together, there was a dead guy and he was hung in a way that one could not hang himself and you knew where he was because you heard a demonic voice. So I have an obvious question here. Are you being haunted by a demon? What? Did it? Do I pee on me?

Did I? No? Well, let's know. Her question at this point is have you prayed? We'll be because she says how do you fight something you can't see and her answer is prayer and I really want to test that theory with blindfolds Mike Norris and some dodgeballs just like. He's in your movie Mike. Oh.

Yeah, that hurts. Right there. Should have prayed harder. Paul's trying to chew God if you want to... No? All right, it rolled back to me. So, okay. And then we had over to Randy's funeral.

Mike Norris is standing off there. He doesn't want to go all the way over to the funeral because they need to have to do sad acting, right? And Wally, who got who peed on the demon, he's even, he's like on the, there, Wally's over there. He's in the edge of the woods and everybody's like, hey man, you want to come, we're doing a funeral, you want to come to like normal funeral distance. You're being weird. No, okay Okay You still worried about the demon you peed on bud. Yeah

Yeah, can just for a second we got a sign Thank you So okay the funeral ends and then Mike Norris is going to run off. He wants to go off and find out more about liberal juicists, his daughter, who has every reason to believe that he's insane and just killed Randy by hanging him, feels like he's running away from something but can't imagine what it might be. His plan is like, it's fine. I'm going to drive out like 50 miles, right? I'm going to like do concentric circles in and slowly kill muslims on the way.

What the fuck is your problem? You're probably going to level up at a certain point, you know, and kill enough of them. But so, okay, but the moral of this story seems to be, when your loved ones hear voices that tell them to kill Muslims hear them out on that shit don't just assume that it's a mental illness sometimes that's what's happening right up to this point okay I didn't hang Randy did you ask but she goes she goes and of course her concern isn't like you know if you look like you murdered the guy and now you're running off, her concern is that that demon is gonna get him.

So he has to assure her he's like, hey no, Damon, gonna get me off to resilient. And then he runs off, right? He might as well tell her like, try and demon me as hard as you can right now, go on, try and demon me right now. Oh, what's the ready? Great, I shed.

End the movie. Bring me a wicker basket. So... So meanwhile, back in the main planning room, we've got one character he's tuning around on his radio, he's trying to like, listen in for other survivors out there somewhere. And Pastor Paul is fucking with him You know just like the the peanut gallery in the background you're never gonna find anything you fuck you fuck

Not on that frequency either never you been doing this for seven fucking years nothing nothing nothing nothing the whole fucking time And then of course after fucking with him for not being able to find anything, Pastor Paul goes back to reading the Bible. So... And he's convinced that the Bible's like, no, it says we're gonna be fine. We're gonna be totally fine. And it feels like, does it say that?

I read it. It's like scorpion horse locust, face of a lion. We need so much ointment for the whole business. like scorpion horse locus, face of a lion. We need so much ointment for him. And it's very clear that he's looking for something he missed, right? Like he's gonna turn a page and be like, ah, yeah. Circle, circle, dot, dot.

Now I have a coody shot. Ho! Fuck, what did he do? What did he do? What did he do? I wasn't paying attention. Such a long book. So... Try stoning your daughter on her doorstep. I write the book, people.

I'm the opposite of the book. Literally. In all possible ways. Book made out of paper. Me made out of flesh. So there's all the ways. I had a lot of stuff. OK, all right, yeah.

No, let's move on. Move on. But what's amazing though is that the conversation that these two guys end up having is, it's in it crazy how much Christianity even seems like bullshit in our own movies most of the time. And then like one character after the other comes in and just tries to beat up a plot point, one character comes in and says,

a hundred wilders go on and they're like, yeah, we really don't have a reason to care about that. So then Randy's wife comes in, right? Or his widow comes in and says, I'm leaving and they're like, oh, seeing all that is a way better plot point. Actually, then the fact that somebody just laughed. So they follow her.

Oh, and this anti-climax is fucking amazing, right? Oh, it's too late. She wants to get out of the compound. She's leaving the compound. What's the problem? They get, it's just like a single slat of fence. And you watch these three poor Christian actors who just wanted Mike to like leave them alone on Facebook.

Just be like, pfft. She's, there's like six minutes of build up to that. Well, she's, yeah, well, she's like, yelling at him, please let me out of the game. She's doing all this backpack work the whole time. She keeps tightening straps every few seconds, it's loosening them back up so that she might tighten them again and they're arguing about whether she should go.

And then finally it's like, someone's like, we got in this fucking scene. I guess we just opened the gate. I'll just slightly walk around it. Five feet to the right. It's not like a gate to offense. It's an independent case. It's a paintball court. It's the opening to the

parking lot of paintball. She's like, I can see space. There's a tire. I might trip on the tire for a second. All right. So of course, Mike Norse is still driving around looking for Jew Muslims. Yes, he surprisingly hasn't had, he hasn't found any yet. But meanwhile back in hell Jordan Dragon King is throwing shit against the wall punching holes in the fucking dry wall and yelling like uh You know, we've been able to corrupt the presidents and the popes and the senators and the kings But not this one redneck prepper in Texas who is somehow mightier mentally than all those motherfuckers that went to fancy colleges and shit Right That's the whole fucking scene

And of course the as as daggers doing that Satan's just looking around at all those pipes going like I want I don't know Why I want a bad I'm so so fucking bad but i do i really just do i wanted to see this like uh... performance review like satan and dagon like talking about how things are going oh that sounds like a doodley do doodley doodley doodley do uh... Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It's just a chance for me to check in, you know, and give feedback. It's nobody, are you turning towards, can you turn back towards me just for me?

Yep, great, so just feedback. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yep. Cool. Are you, you batting the chain there again? I feel like you, did you, can you stop, you're gonna stop.

Okay, great, because it's while we talk. Wonderful, all right. So, I like to start with a compliment. Start things off nice. So, you're, uh, your capoeira is going good. You're getting good at that. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Not enough demons, you know, take time for themselves. Yeah. Hobbies. Yeah. I really try. Mm-hmm. You know, yeah. Oh.

Can you just not touch the chain at all for the rest of them? Great. Yep. It's just super distracting because I'm trying to do a review. And you're going to stop? Go ahead. Great. Great.

So just first, constructive criticism here. Quick thing. Your goal for this quarter was to corrupt the soul of Hunter Wilde. How do you feel that's going? Well, um... I killed his friend. Okay. Do you feel like that helped? Shh.

I don't know. You can get it. I need it. Just put it for the rest. Just don't at all. Great. Thank you. I spoke to HR.

OK. I told them I need it. You need the chain? It's for my anxiety. You have an emotional support chain? Yes. Who did... Did...

You're actually not allowed to ask me about it. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm... I'm going to translate really well to audio. Amazing, guys. Thank you so much for that. All right, so Mike Norris is at Wondering Round, circling back and killing Muslims where he can. He's asking, he's trying to decide, he's asking God where he should go via his little tiny pocket Bible, right? So he's sitting there in this bench looking at his little pocket Bible, saying,

out loud, God, where should I go? And hoodie, demon. Jordan Dragon King is standing right next to him. And he doesn't notice him for so long. Like the actor's mad. Like obviously the demons mad too, but the actor is so angry. He's like, excuse me sir, I'm in demon. Did you not hear the tiger growling noise when I show up? You didn't hear that? Well, but see the thing is,

they're going for the whole, he's invisible to mightnors, mightnors can't see him, thing or whatever, but we don't know that. Any standing just off and behind him. So for the longest time, it seems like the demon's just gonna go. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. You know what?

I learned my lesson the first time. Are you peeing? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Can't surprise you motherfuckers for shit. So is any liquid spring out of your body in a stream right now? No. Good, because you got a whole scary thing I want to do. So the demon has this long monologue where he's telling Mike Norris, like, you don't really believe in Jesus, though, do you?

Right. That's as near as I can tell, well in the entire point. But the one is like the internal politics of this 20 person Texas compound determines. Well, that too, yeah. The fate of the universe. And he's explaining that to him.

It does. Oh, okay. Right. But then he's like, but also you're kind of sad. You're like, you're a little antsy. Maybe you drive out and like concentrically circle back to murder Muslims. I don't know, something like that.

Right, right. Yeah. He's tempting him with something I don't, I know not what. Okay, so we cut back to Crossroads. We cut back to the little town, the little compound. And his daughter is gathering up all the other named characters. You know, she's like, come on, we're going gonna go have a scene together like, oh, okay, cool. And her question for everybody, it's like all the guard guys.

Yeah, I was like, did anybody see anything weird recently? And two of them are like, no, no. And Molly's like, you are! She's like, okay, you're like violently trembling. You yelled, you are for no reason. Did you see a demon? Wally? No?

You were being really weird after you peed last night. Did you pee on a demon? Y'all. I love, okay, so finally she coaxes it out of him, right? He's like, yes, I did. Pia and a demon last night. It's just so embarrassing for both of us really. I didn't want to bring it up. And then he starts describing him. He goes like, I was staring right at him, but I couldn't see him. He was the embodiment of pure evil. And then the fucking girl, the daughter, who goes, was it someone from around here? Well, yeah, no, it was Ed.

I just thought if I said the embodiment of pure evil, you'd think, Ed, no, it wasn't fucking somebody from around here. Camera pans over slightly to Ed, who's the embodiment of pure evil? I don't describe you as fat Christine just saying Oh, was it Christine I have a name So she's like all right, well, I guess we should all go out and look for you know clues General you know, clues, just general clues.

Like what kind of demon was it? Like what kind of demon did it look like? And she's like, you know, just let me know about any demon type. Maybe demon type thing. That would be clue that there's demon. That's perfect. This is great when she sends everybody out. She's like, you know, go look for clues

to what the next scene in the movie is about. And then she calls him on the hack, right? for clues to what the next scene in the movie is about. And then she calls him on the back, right? Golemboism. She goes and says, wait, wait, one last thing. Whatever you do, believe in God, really fucking hard for the rest of the movie. That's gonna matter. Or else you probably won't find a demon. Stay Christian, or else this demon hunt is not gonna work. I don't see fucking stupid. I'll tell you right now. So okay, then we cut down to hell for a little bit longer.

So Satan can will him to foe his love. So everything we've cut back to the little garage hell that they're in. There's two other guys, two people in hell. Yeah, there's two there's two caged extras whose job it is to just go, oh no! What's it a while? But the toxic masculinity is too strong, so they can't whale and cry for more than three seconds

at a time. Right, so it's like, no! I'm actually fine. I'll get it all in one fucking trip. I'm rubbing the hair in all of these bags. I measured once. I deserve this. I do.

I deserve this. Oh, and we also, we have to introduce Alzheimer's dad. So there's this character that we've seen a couple of times in the movie now. He's, he's Alzheimer's dad. We have been, we haven't really established until now that he has Alzheimer's. He's just been a guy in a suit and tie during the apocalypse. He's just been a guy in a Christian compound. It's hard to tell.

Yeah. This blank look on your face doesn't work as an acting choice in a Christian movie. No. No. But... But... ... But all the time I understand, a couple of times in the movie, all the time I understand, it was just stop being crazy

or having dementia for whatever, for a second. And he'll go, my ignores will protect us. The devil is after him, right? He does that several times. He's like the, I don't know, like the the magic eight ball of this film. He's like a less subtle dying mom in science. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Like she's crashed into the tree and she's like, come on man, a little mystery. All right, so we head back to hell for a minute. Like Satan is ribbing Jordan Dragon King for his lack of demon and skills, right?

This is the one where like Satan makes Dagon ask. He's like, I know I do know how to help, but I'm just going to, I'm not going to tell you unless you ask. Oh, watching Satan apply 10 minute manager here is my everything. So you know, Dagon, I actually have a sword. That big one right there. Well, okay. Well, I'm sewing chaos, so what were you going to do with the sword?

Nope, that's mad. Okay, no, I mean just like tell me, because I might, if it's a good idea. In what ways could you have solved this problem before you keep doing that? I feel like, okay, now. Because you have the answer. I didn't read the book. I feel like you read the book. I read the back. You read the book.

Just like everyone else who reads it. 10 minute managing. So. All right, but yeah, but Satan explains to him that chaos will never work. Okay, people like Mike Norris thrive on chaos. He's doing it on purpose. Trust me guys, he's meant he means for his house

to look like that. But, but DeGon pushes back by explaining that he's not new to this shit. This is where the Jedi is the word millennia. He has spent, he has spent. The demon says, hey, I've spent a millennia in the field. Yeah. So Mike Nor've spent a millennia in the field. Yeah. So Mike Norris apparently thinks millennia is just

like a fancy version of millennium. It's, and the very feminine. It's, okay, maybe it's the feminine. Yeah. And this confirmed very next line from Dagger. It's like, a millennia is but a speck of time. And it's like, yep, they think it's a fancy word for millennia. And that's fantastic.

If I'm not mistaken, his big threat for Daygon is that like, if he doesn't get Mike Norris soon, he's gonna be the only one on Doomsday without a buddy. That is it. You want to be the only one on Doomsday without a cage buddy daygon? Because this is what happens. You don't get to be, it's not like a teacher

where you get to be my partner because no one will be partners with you. You've got to get your own cage buddy day gone, because this is what happens. You don't get to be, it's not like a teacher where you get to be my partner because no one will be partners with you. You gotta get your own cage buddy. Can I play with the sword? No, you cannot. There's also this bizarre moment where they try to do dimensions, where they try to figure out what dimensions are.

Wow, that was the, they experiment with each other in the most beautiful way. They're like like the first dimension is the way you look tonight tonight. Second is regular. Regular dimension. There's four I believe.

Four was yours. Third and third. Yeah. In the third is confusion. Uh-huh. Yes. Yelling at doors. We'll combine those two. Yes, confusion and yelling at doors. Fourth dimension.

Jesus. I got it. Yes. Oh, it was so awesome. They're like, he's like, he's like, look through the four dimensions and see how many. He's like, you know, in the first dimension, I see that he isn't disarray. And in the second dimension, he is afraid. And the third dimension, he is confused in the fourth dimension.

I see a shadow. And then they're like, really shadow. We're going to one shadow. We couldn't come up with another. We had a, we had a, you had a theme going with the first three. And he's like, yeah, no, I kind of ran out of gas. I think there's only three dimensions. You look like Pete.

Not earlier today. I see the shadow only three to mention. You look actually not earlier today. I see the shadow of a teenager peeing on me. That's weird, because you didn't go out in the field. So I'm related. So meanwhile, okay, so Mike Norris is out there. He's still waiting for God. It's like he's like neither him or God will say that they're ready to leave or something. Right?

Because he's still out there. He's just going there. I'm like, seriously, God, Right, because he's still out there, he's just going there. I'm like, seriously, God, like whenever you tell me where to go, I will fucking go there. You have to really want him to get into a couple fight with God. Just like, God, where do you want to eat tonight? You're not okay with everything. Oh, get a butt! Okay, typhoon.

I know we just had typhoon. You said you were okay with everything. But anyway, so he's either having this little couple fight with God and suddenly a young girl shows up her name is Ella and her family has the zombie plague Remember from before when we know Remember when we never introduced the zombie play it starts now she goes she goes my family got very very sick and he goes oh god are they are they right by yeah they're right behind me they turn it to

zombies like okay go go over the truck I haven't played guns since act one really okay you're gonna murder me you're gonna murder me maybe they're't. This sounds like you're gonna murder him. I, maybe they're just sick. No, no, no. I appreciate your other zombies, you sound like. To be clear, she never says dangerous. Nope. Zombie, murderous, anything.

She's like, my family's sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting the truck and then six of the least happy extras like slowly wander out to get shot by Mike Norris, who might as well just yell bang. He's like bang, the first guy's like woman comes out behind him early on our cue, bang, fuck God, I'm not even down here. Well that's the thing is that like in the movie I guess apparently there are fucking zombies now suddenly But if you replay this scene and just imagine that the first guy that came out to say hey get away from my daughter was Flemmy, you know

Excuse me and he shoots him Right like that this scene plays out very differently. Oh That actually happens. That's actually the goddamn scene. And that's the next scene. He's like, so murdered your dad. She's like, yup, yup, murdered my dad. He's like, I'm sure, like, well, I mean, not sure,

but like 70, 30 zombie demon, right? 70, 30? I've been thinking about last night, and honestly, there are so many things I could have done instead of shooting your entire family. I've been squatting pensively about my truck all morning over that. You adopt me now.

That's what I'm saying. Well, and she goes, and she goes, it's all right, he was already dead on the inside. I'm like, and I'm thinking to of myself because Mike Norris wrote this. He's like, that's the thing daughters say about their fathers all the time, right? You guys just catch us. It was me. It was like, alright.

And she's like, no, no, no, it's fine. He'll go to heaven. I'm sure you did him a favor when you shot him in the head. It guns. So, he's like, okay, it's alright. It's alright. All you got to do is follow me home. I'll ask my daughter.

I'm sure she'll let me keep you. And she's like, oh, I'll take you back to the compound. I'm sure that'll drive the plot forward. And she's like, are you sure? I'm 70, 30 on it. I guess the zombie thing. He goes, he goes, oh, by the way, you're not carrying that zombie virus

that your family had. Or again, she's like, I don't think he's that's good enough for me come on I don't think we'll actually ever address that ever again in the entire movie. Oh, okay cool. Yeah Well, I have a moment with it. Yeah, all right So now Wally and Joe Wally being the guy who peed on the team and Joe being the daughter They're gonna sit around the fire pet and have a discussion about that that demonly hung out that he peed on earlier, right? So they're like, he's sitting there sitting around talking about the demon peeing when Alzheimer's dad shows up.

And he's like, I was going to come in and throw in some exposition real quick. Satan is still coming after Mike Norris, just so everybody knows that is still the plot of the movie. I know we threw in some zombies earlier, I thought you might be confused, thought I'd come back and nail that down for you, right? And Wally is watching this entire thing, furious that he doesn't get to do his own exposition.

It's literally like, I want you to know that the force in Wally's just like, I'm the one who peed on him. No, whatever. It's your on him. No, whatever. So you're weird, future, dementia thing, whatever. And is this where old Alzheimer's guys start speaking in tongues? Yes. And he clearly, they're like, yeah, you can improvise just noises, right?

He's like, yeah, I got this. So he starts trying to make noises and he runs out of possible syllables. At one point he says Giuliani very clearly. He says Giuliani totally says Giuliani. He's not going through the out, but he's like, ab- But it's stupid. He also does that great thing that people do when they're speaking tongues and they've nailed it in

the first half and then they realize they're not doing it well in the second half. Where they'll be like, Shove and I can hear it in the sun, Middish and na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, back to garage hell for this lazy ass exposition bet where Satan's like, wait, just explain to me now how the little girl with the fucking zombie parents fits into this plot. Just someone helped me out here. He does not do that. No, he doesn't.

But I'll tell you what he does do. Can you show us what he does? He dances. The entire scene. Literally this. This is no exaggeration. The actor does that. Jordan Dragon King does that.

Through the entire goddamn movie. It goes so long. Hey, do you have, oh, you have a second one? You have a second one? Do you have a third one? Are you doing the mock arena? I feel like you're doing the mock arena. Oh, are you controlling Hunter Wilde with the mock?

The character just literally does this. For so reason. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long.

So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long.

So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. scene is exactly what happened. And what this means is that Mike Norris wakes up sweating middle of the night and his wife's like honey, okay? We have it in nightmare, got a black guy controlling you with Tai Chi. And yes he was. Every time. What if we made it a movie? Do you think that would make it a movie? I wrote half the script. I'll call Jordan Dragon King.

Perfect. He's really good at Tai Chi. So, but Satan's like, and you know, he's like, you know what, man, honestly, at least you're not playing with a fucking chains anymore. And we can have a conversation. He says, explain to me how this fucking girl factors into it. Does she? Does she have the disease? Did you did you just sneak the zombie disease in there? And he's like, no, no, when I snuck in there was suspicion They're gonna

suspect that she has the disease and saying it's like wouldn't it be? Better though if she just had the fucking disease. He's like, well, now that you've mentioned it, we should have climbed into the fucking rabbit beforehand. Yes, that would make more goddamn sense. I would prefer a subtle context. You're only saying that now. So fuck. And then Satan turns to the goddamn movie itself,

turns to the script and says, okay, but can we just get it the fuck going already though? Whatever your plan is, can you pull the goddamn trigger already? Our Dark Lord has informed me we have reached 106 minutes, which is long enough to get an extra $18 from Amazon Prime. Cut. They should have just ended the movie here, but they don't. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie is getting impatient with itself. So, we're going to pause while it takes a couple of quick, deep breaths.

But first, let me give Akhtri the hard sell. Will we ever mention the death of Randy or see his wife again? Will we revisit the existence of the zombie virus? Will anything that happened between the opening monologue and this moment factor into the rest of the film? Find out the answers to these questions or no when we return for, but I bet my kids do secretly love me conclusion of the crossroads of Hunter Wild. Oh!

Mr. Mr. You gotta help me. Oh, uh, what can I do? It's my family. They're real sick. They've become sold as zombies and someone needs to put their bodies to rest. I'll do it. I'll do it.

It's good. Excellent. Oh, here they come. Guys, are you ready for the family picture? Sure are, honey. Woo. Thank you so much, Mr. Wild. Yeah, no problem. much, Mr. Wild.

Yeah, no problem. So, uh, just quick thing, uh, are you 100% certain they were zombies? Oh, ah, yes, yes, yes, for sure. Sure. Okay, just because, did you just say, ready for the family picture? Was that the last thing said? No? Okay.

And we're back for even more of the shit. Thank you. Thank you. I gotta go fast, but we've always got time for that. And we're gonna open back up in crossroads, where they're getting Ella cleaned up. Ella is the young girl that they met whose family was zombified. And she's gonna live with the very unwell old Alzheimer's guy. Yeah, not before Mike Norris' daughter takes her shot though, right? She's like, oh, so where's she gonna sleep like my bad? Or, yeah, my bad? or a bed I would sneak into

So and then they so she wonders off to go live with Alzheimer's dad and The daughter turns to my nurses. So where where'd you find her and he goes well, you know our whole family had this highly contagious disease what? Why are you why are you looking at me like normal random girls with finding? Girls that are family of double sees I murdered them here we are with the fucking talk about you're being weird. It's a normal thing. And so they get into this fight where the fight seems to be her saying like, Hey man, you just brought somebody who came from a disease quarantine outbreak spot or whatever

into our home and he's yelling back at her like, are you saying I can't into a disease immunity? Fuck you! That's the fight, right? He actually says she has no symptoms. Yes, of what? Yeah. No symptoms of demon apocalypse zombie disease. Yup, read

a book. She has no symptoms of that. No, she asked her which lives matter. She didn't know. It was fine. She's fine. Oh, it's not all. All right. So, but he gets mad and he's like, fuck you and your goddamn quarantine and he kicks a chair and wanders off. And meanwhile, and then we get down to honeyd even and he's doing a happy compuera now.

He's celebrating that shit. He's like, mailed it. You thought, you thought, be honest though, and you thought when I brought the girl in who wasn't to see you didn't think that I was gonna break up, they're very happy family dynamic, did you? And she's like, no, I honestly, I didn't think that that was gonna work.

Be honest with you, it seems like it's working good. They are in an argument. We're demons and we're flesh and shit. And then he says, I didn't even understand this. Maybe you guys can explain to me. He says, I've solved the riddle of this that we're doing, of the 20 people in rural Texas. What did he solve?

The riddle of how to turn Mike Norris evil. Okay. Done. Yes. I know this one, you remarry, and then you have twins with the second wife and you have to name your new film company Second Fiddle Productions, which is what Mike Nors' film company is actually called.

Is that serious? That's how you turn Mike Nors' evil. So sad. Oh, that's amazing. It's life is so sad. This is so. I'm so sad. This is so. Ha ha. I'm so happy about that. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. All right, so wait, wait, this is amazing, Steve. We go back to the crossroads. They're testing Ella for all the diseases. We have to learn that Mike Norse is right. He can intuit disease immunity, he's dammit. But they have so. Talked her too.

He was like, no, I, the cheek swab for like demon zombie. He was a bowl of mums. He came back negative, we're fine. She comes back negative for all the diseases. He tests her for all the diseases. And she doesn't have any of them. Luckily, they did it quickly. I love that so much. We just come back to the scene and there's this

doctor who washed his hands up going yep she's nagging him for all of them. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Norris is off running around, he's still angry at his daughter, and he finds himself in a long sore pipe, and I am definitely not the first person to put together the sentence Mike Norris finds himself in a long sore pipe. As if a dog in an obstacle course being confused to distract pieces like, I could run through this.

He's like, man, it's a good thing. He ain't no change. I was just motherfucker. I'd be here all night. I'm gonna install some chains in this motherfucker so I can be here all night. Yeah, demon trap. But here's the thing.

This is the moment where the demon corrupts his soul, right? And the tactic that the demon will use is nobody gets you. Yeah, right. Nobody appreciates that you're as awesome as your dad, right? Which means Mike Norris was sitting at whatever anti-gay typewriter he used to make this movie with his balls all hooked up to electrodes or whatever he is he did.

And he was like be honest Mike what's your greatest weakness how would the devil reach you nobody gets how fucking cool you are the enemy is clever but I am protected well he almost done down there Jordan Jordan. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is the choice Jordan Dragon King made. He goes, they stared before you and they go, eat him in here. That's what they sound like. He does that in the demon voice. I was like, this is why you get peed on, man.

This right here. And then he doubles down on this because the daughter now appears, right? Yeah. And she's like, oh, come get out of here, demon. You are a liar to which he replies, exact quote, I am a liar, but you're ugly. Wait, wait, wait, you're ugly. And stupid. And there's one more, there's one more.

Stummed. And he goes, he goes, I may be a liar and a deceiver, but you are an ugly stupid face. We're stupid. Apparently that is my line. As a demon. He goes, you are ugly, it's stupid and dumb. Shall I go on and I'm like, yeah, please go.

Please. What other insults does Jordan Dragon King know? You are a foosball table, shit! Ran out of real ones. I changed my name legally to Dragon King. He did. So, all right. So, yes, so she shows up with all her dumb stupid fatness or whatever it was in golf.

And she goes like, in the name of Jesus, fuck off or whatever. And it doesn't fuck off, it never works in the movies. In every Christian movie with a demon, they go in the name of Christ, I cappell you in a movable world. And then they always go like, no, that doesn't count. Fuck, man. Really? In our minds.

I said in the said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said Either making me look like a fucking idiot. My hands hurt for like six hours, Dad. Plus, I'm you. And a ghost. So fat, religion so stupid. I forgot he's a ghost, too. Oh, it gives me a little too. Oh, it gives me the news. It goes. All right. So wait, wait, then there's this amazing moment where Mike Norris, he's starting to be tempted by the devil. But then he fights back. He to die that Dragon King Jordan Dragon King and and Jordan Dragon King pulls the old

Disappeared right as you Try to tackle me and then you fall into hell Unconsciously trick. Yep, which happens to Mike Norris a lot And that is what it would look like you get to watch it. I enjoyed it a lot. He just thought nothing. It's great So he wakes up in hell. Yeah. If I had a nickel for every time Mike Norris tackled a black guy and woke up in a cell.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Screaming about demons. You could pay Mike Norris' bail. I could. All right, but yes, he wakes up in the in the cell and you're like, Oh, wow, did George and Dragon King win and Satan's like, wait, it's not over yet because there are like totally 13 minutes left in this flick. And I mean, what max four of those could be credits. So yeah, there's still got to be another step in the plan, I guess. So they

I guess they've drug him down to help but now they have to get to work him to accept satan as is board and saviour i don't really know how it works here but at this point they still have to do some other level of corruption with him right and you're like a multi-level market pitch and you can have as many as four demons working right below you.

And then they find demons. And by the way, this whole time, now human mind, Mike Norris wrote and directed this film. The whole time Jordan Dragon King was a very attractive black man, is caressing his head and his face. So at some point, Norris is like, and then you caress me. What? What? I was, you guys were gonna, you were gonna need to talk way closer to the nape of my neck. Yep, another 54 takes and we'll be good. Do you ever listen to that CDS sent you around

the holidays? No reason, action. They know second fiddle here. So yeah, so they're still trying to do the corruption. They're still trying to corrupt this mind by telling him that his daughter doesn't really think he's as cool as she lets on or probably should think he is, given how much he's accomplished in his life. I mean, you know, maybe dad made more movies, but I'm making a movie too right now. But, but then, when Satan starts talking shit about his daughter, that's when he starts

fighting back, right? That's when he's like, no, that's not true. So I guess now they have to, if I'm not mistaken, this is where we're at in the movie. They have to convince him, his daughter hates him so that they can win the he is in hell now, right? That is the point. Okay. No, I should say those words don't actually add up to an English.

It hurts my brain. They don't, oh, I'm sure. Yeah. All right. The movie. So, but, but while this is all happening happening This is all happening in hell with his soul, but his body is still back on earth So in crossroad in the little town they'll find his limp dead body They're like what do you all want to do and they're like you said fuck it

You said that and so they all they realized the only thing they can do is pray for him If they all pray for him hard enough, they'll have an involvement in the Third Act too. Now, I have a crazy billionaire rewrite of the movie at this point, because they're like, we need to pray. Jesus is the only one that can save us. So here's what I picture in my head. They're praying over his body and he's in hell. And then a light shines down and the light fades and standing there is Jesus Christ played by none other than Chuck Norris.

Who fucking roundhouse kicks these demons in the face? And then he carries him like the end of Sailor in a gentleman or the fucking movie that is. Puts a sailor hat on his dad and they just, baaah! Baaah! Baaah! Baaah! Baaah! Baaah!

So, where the eagles fly? And of course, this is also the moment where we have to resolve the pastor, Paul, who didn't think that God was real or the rapture motor, whatever, because they're all praying over his body, and Alzheimer's dad's like, everyone needs to pray,

they've never prayed before, and pastor, Paul's like, but I pray like they've never prayed before and pastor Post like but I don't know if I even believe anymore and Alzheimer's dad turns to like shut the fuck up Your negativity in your bullshit You're the pastor Sir acting like it actually the line was your faith is strong enough I thought I'd spice it up a little in my right there Actually, the line was your faith is strong enough. I thought I'd spice it up a little in my room right there.

But meanwhile, back in hell, Mike Norris still won't submit his spirit to Satan and hoodie demon. And they're like, they're like, man, we tried talking shit about his daughter. That's it. That's the only thing we tried. I mean, why don't they torture him?

Like the guys behind him, the other two guys in the cages, they're going like, no, not that. Do whatever you're doing to them! For a minute. I don't know, passive aggression when last long enough, could really get to you. Just picture that those guys have been down there for a thousand years with them being like your daughter hates you.

FIGHT OFF! Please pull up my toenails. Jesus. So, oh, there's this great moment, you know, this is the part where he has to pull the chain apart with the might of his faith. We watch Mike Norris pull apart the metal. Well, no. We watch Mike Norris strangle to cough. We watch a chain being pulled apart.

We watch Mike Norris strain in a cuff. There's a pair of britches filled with shit from them trying to get those two shots together. You can buy it on Etsy. Not anymore, you can't, but you could. You could buy it on Etsy. No, I got a shot on Ann Piedon. Ridiculous. I'm a demon. I need to be promoted. So, okay. but you could you could buy it on a no I got shout on and Pete on it

And demon I need to be promoted so okay, so he breaks out of his chain and Satan by the way is just like stand up behind I told you this whole fucking plan was stupid man. That's all done. That's been my whole thing The devil's like oh come on he got out. You said you would walk and feed him day gone Come on man So they break out of that dimension or whatever now they're out of hell and it's a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a change.

And by the way, if you want to know the best part of this movie, it is when he pulls the sword and Mike Norris wraps his hand around the chain and they both realize there's no realistic universe where Jordan Dragon King doesn't beat the shiiiiit out of Mike Norris it's fun you could the panic in their eyes as they try to think of a way that Jordan Dragon King could touch Mike Norris without him instantly turning to dust keeps me young for the next 15 years huh?

he goes at one point, whether fighting the white Norse do he says, I don't fear you! Which sounds so unrealistic, might Norse say, that's what black man. I'm sorry, I was not buying that for a second. But can we talk about the final move of the fight? The, uh, the rest of the Stone Cold Stunner, the God of the God of the Jesus Christ.

Well, here's the thing, the, the, the, the sad... the rest of the stone colds done so she's just well here's the thing the the the saddest non-stone called so jordan very nicely like bends down is like okay mike you've got me in a stone colds done her but then mike went over to youtube and he was like you fucking sit i can't sit down i would have heard how would i go all the way so instead the two actors stand there,

shoulder to shoulder, cuddling, and the folly guy goes, crack! And that's the end of the fight. His neck broke out of boredom. Just like Jeffrey Epstein that all comes full circle And yeah, I announced the demon from hell is dead because like Norris curb stomped him or whatever And then we cut to like we we we we come full circle because he read about that and

The how to make a screenplay pamphlet as well And so he goes and the idea is like it's now been six more months. I'm Backing at little treehouse. I was at the beginning remember from the beginning the treehouse. You up still doing my thing With the treehouse The one I wanted a zombie to just come over and eat him. That's the best movie. Oh, fuck, there was zombies. I forgot about Cytockel by an Orthodox Jew.

Man! All right, so, and then the movie's over. That's it. Well, we get what was it? Fucking first Corinthians 1557. Oh57 oh sorry one Corinthians 1557 I believe it's I Corinthians yeah exactly exactly with and by the way that quote is but thanks to God he gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ yeah I love that their Bible quote started with butt. Like, to end their movie was like,

oh, that being said, by Mike Norris. Never the less he gets. He gets confused. That all notwithstanding Jesus, sorry thing. So, OK, so here's my question though, because we had zombies, we had liberals, we had Jews, we had Muslims, we had the demons and Satan and all of that stuff. What...

What... What was the other apocalypse this movie? Like, what one apocalypse was this movie missing? Zip lining. Zip lining is not fun, I've never on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage.

I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage.

I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage.

I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I'm not having this fight on stage. I had to miss the first scoop. I'm very excited about this one. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 236 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Morgan for helping out with the live show. A huge thanks to Anna, a huge thanks to Lucinda for helping out with merch. Huge thanks to everybody at the Hudson Theater and everybody who came out to see us in LA. And perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreons that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com. So I got an awful one there by honorably access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by living a five star review. Thank you for watching. Legal Services for the spot catcher provided by the law, this is a B. Android Taurus Tim Robbins, and taking care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt and give people a drop to Mars. All other musicals written and performed by our audio and junior Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heath and Radio Live Bowsing. I'm Noelusius, promise to work harder

on another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! The demon tag on went on to ensure that a certain schoolteacher in Peoria got way too much salt on her eggs. Mike Norris is still allowed to carry a gun.

Jesus, yeah. Texas went on to become majority Latino. And the Republican Party died out in Panicky Eer like the Dodo bird. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.