God Awful Movies - 238: Jerusalem Countdown

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

This week we dive back into David AR White's filmography for an atheist review of Jerusalem Countdown. We'll experience yet another cinematic rapture, but not before we wind out way through the most convoluted plot since the Bible. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I also I love out all the not quite Christians and Christian movies described their beliefs is like you know I'd like to believe in quote something bigger than ourselves What is that bullshit you from his antelopes are bigger than ourselves right? Unless you're really fucking big Well in my personal experience something bigger than ourselves means you have two more sentences before I cry and this date is over. I can only speak for my own personal experience. Not awful! Movie! OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Welcome back David AR white I missed him so much. Oh my god. I just it's just it's upsetting to realize how much I missed it

I love he's like a cuddly pillow that you know that you lost and then you just found it and get stuff behind the behind the bed Back by you like oh, I love this fucking pillow. Yeah, he's that. And this is a peak David A.R. White. Yes. The like, this is like the 67 Chevy of David A.R. White. Really perfect. This is David A.R. White in his full PQ PQ PQ. Absolutely. All right. And of course, sitting 900 must win North East. This is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I'm amazing, Noah. I'm a man whose love life has been reinvigorated by outfit stuff. What? The game shriek continues. It's David A.R. White is the outfit stuff of game movies. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay, I just thought of what you heard and that was very I'm setting for you guys.

What we don't get you to talk about our sex vibes ever. I'm not a machine. I'm a man. How are you feeling? No, I got a blowjob last night. So I'm doing just. Well, Anna's dressed as David A.R. White right now. I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. Fantastic. This is the pair of social content people want. I keep trying to start an only fans. These guys won't let me. Fantastic. This is the pair of social content people what? I keep trying to start an only fancy. These guys won't let me. All right, so tell us, Heath. We were already obviously established that it is a David A.R. White movie and Thor. I'm fucking right it is out for this stuff, but what will we be breaking down today? We watched Jerusalem countdown. Finally. Oh, it's a movie from 2011, based on a book from 2007, by Armageddon Pastor John Haguey. And it's the story of how the Bible correctly predicted the apocalypse of 2014.

So for those who don't follow international news, they're in 2014, the world ended. This is the movie about that. Yep. Yes, it is. Yes, remember Blood Moon, all that. Yeah. That does a tetrad. It's a four. And he how bad was this movie? Well, if you love your aunt's Facebook posts about the coronavirus, but you wish they contained more completed Jews.

they contained more completed Jews. You. Hello. This movie. It's so good. It's it's wonderful. One of the best parts of our job is the insight into the other world view. And this is such a how fucking up your own asses your head when you're like, you see they nuke seven American cities as a distraction to

take on his trial. Like that's the level of self-sotty me going on at the basic core plot of this film. Yeah. Said distraction. But in a nuke. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Just bomb. All right, before we go into the best worst in shit, complete the sentence for me. This is the best David A.R. White movie I have seen since blank. Before I started watching it.

Okay, what's the one where he's like Zach Morris in second chance? Wow, really? Second glance. Yeah. Second glance. What was it, second glance? Yeah. I think it might have been glant.

Yeah. That was pretty great. Hold on, though. No, no, no, no. What's the one? It's, oh, it's Revelation Road with John Henry. That's where I was going. I was going to say, here is the correct answer.

The boss. Yeah. I was going to say, here, what's the one? It's, oh, it's revelation road with that. That was a correct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. There was a war hammer. The last time David and I were like, what's the war hammer? And he like has a motorcycle fight and the hammer spins out and explodes. Oh, next to the car, the leaping handcuffed summer assault to the gun thing. That was right. Even that's the moment that perfectly encapsulation road to me. This is the best it's been since that.

Yeah. Guys, I'm on David A.R. White's IMDB page and we've seen all of these fucking. I know. And they're everything he's ever done at this point. It's real. Eventually one day we're going to meet this guy and it's going to be really fucking weird. Yeah, we're going to meet him when we fund him to make his next movie because we ran out. We're like, he needs. We had him a giant check like Ed McMahon. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at?

Yeah. So many great, great options, but I'm going to go with best worst, best, best, best army guys jumping out of a pickup truck. Yes. Okay. You obviously are. We're talking about the guys with the giant parkas on. Absolutely.

Yes. That's exactly what I'm talking about. It's the greatest single moment of action in this movie, even with so much competition from David A. R. White. He's not even in this moment. So clearly, he got like two of his paint ball buddies and addressed him up like with the parka, it's like terrorist ice-capede characters or something. And they get dropped off to do bad guy stuff

and they fucking explode out of the back of this pickup truck. Just back flips and some results doing tactical paintball maneuvers. Making the noises, noises. So fucking yeah, the funniest part about it to me is that it's all in like two and a half foot deep snow. It's the best and and it's for no reason. They're like posing as if they're on every way at points and then they go back into it. But again, no reason. At this point, they're just walking over to a fence

with nobody around, like 20 feet away. Diveral, risk control. Yeah, risk controlling me now. We're on, it hurt. We're on, okay. So, okay, so Eli already alluded to this a bit, but I'm gonna go with best worst, Rub Goldberg plot. Yup, right. it to this event but i'm gonna go with best worst rubigold burger plot

yep right at some point in this god damn plot a balloon pop to force a chicken to lay an egg that would roll down into a spoon this plot has more random devices that don't work than a god damn radio shack it's like it's like the fucking moon landing a hoax. There's hired Heath Ledger's Joker to help Glenn Beck take over the fucking world. Oh, and see, I was going to go simple. I was just going to go with best worst inciting incident. So please identify the inciting incident. Yes. That be the creation of Israel.

Sure. But there is a subplot of this movie that is based entirely on the fact that brown people moved in across the street and entire subplot will be based on that. Yep. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of yarn to unspool over these pushpins. So we're going to need a quick break, but we're going to be back in a minute with all the grown men playing guns that is Jerusalem Countdown. Countdown. Hey, everybody.

Hey, Craig, who's this? Oh, this is my drunken shitty uncle. A pleasure, my lady. I'm a guy. All right, move it. What's your hair so long? Seriously, you brought your drunk shitty uncle to our writer's meeting?

You fuck you. He and my aunt are fighting right now. Do you mind? I mean, kinda. If you're a Shreya movie that? What? What? in my aunt are fighting right now, do you mind? I mean, kinda, if I'm not right. You know what, you should be right, you're moving about. What? What?

You should be right about Israel. And they get attacked by the Muslims in Russia. And they have, yeah, shh, let me finish. And they have suitcase nukes so that rapture that I don't really think that's the one. Please don't interrupt. The rapture is the last, like I said, you don't think the CIA, like they don't have like a full-time team tracking the Bible.

They fucking do. They follow the Bible. It's the way like truth like it tells you, yeah, physically the body physically spiritually, you name it just whatever that's that's why I won't let me drive my car without the breather thing. Well, no, no, that's because of your DUI. No, no, I got I get the shot. You're also fucking whore, whose what happened? I think what?

I think he means STD. Whatever. I was T.U. Whatever. Kids these days, the pronouns, it's got, nap. I'm just taking a little nap. Okay.

You just want to make everything he just said into a movie? Yes. Hello there. It's me, Heathen Wright, here to tell you about puzzling of thunderstorms at brand new show, D&D Monis, where you'll get to hear me, Heathen Wright, win at Dungeons and Dragons. Heath, nobody wins at Dungeons and Dragons. Ah, the show stars my character, Dave, the dragon who is winning, and yes, you do win. He's a dragonborn. He's a dragon wizard dragon, not a wizard, who is awesome at everything and a dragon.

I mean, mostly you spray poison on food you want. Tune in to hear the story of Dave and his sidekicks, Noah, Anna, and Morgan's characters, many adventures with Eli as the dungeon assistant helper guy. Dungeon masters, what a part of the regional helper available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. Or check the show notes, D&D minus Dave 31 dice zero. That's not a score.

Oh, it's a score. He's right. It technically is a score. Yep. Hey, two Noah at two. Hahaha. And we're back for the breakdown. We're gonna start off on some good old fashion Christian movie apocalypse.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Rapture apocalypse. I got so excited right away. Yeah, no, we immediately we open on the everyone run in different directions Rapsure again What why would you run in any direction? I don't know I don't know neither do the extras because they just run back to where they started right eventually They're on loop like

fucking NPCs in a video game. And okay, so we see, we see that they had the money to crash a truck, but not helicopter. Well, that helicopter went behind that tree and made a lot of noise. No, but then this show us the sad clothing, like floating down from the sky supposed to represent the people getting raptured out of that helicopter, I guess, right? Oh, is that okay? All right. Yes. Okay. Wow. You just saw such a huge fucking mystery for me. Oh, yeah. For a second, I was like evangelical skydivers. Oh, I was thinking maybe like he let him be dressed for like the first 80 or 90 feet and then zampt him out of their clothes or something, but no, that makes okay.

The angels are bringing them up and God's like, what the fuck you guys doing? Leave their clothes. Leave their clothes. Haven't you seen any of my movies? Oh, sorry. All right, but then we got to six days earlier, right? So we're going to lead into that rapture, but we know it's coming. So we cut six days earlier, we are in a ship docked in Chicago. Fun fact, from this movie, I learned that Chicago has a port. I also learned it

takes me four tries to write the word port without accidentally writing the word porn. Okay. We've been to Chicago together multiple times on the lake. We've seen whatever. All right. So why would you put a port on a lake that's ridiculous. And this, by the way, is why would you put a porn on the lake? No, that will obviously it's obvious why you would do that. Thank you. So silly question, Heath. All right, so this is where I learned that this was based on a book by John Haguey. Really excited.

And we're watching here. So we're watching these guys. They're all sneaking these big pastel colored suitcases off of a boat. This is supposed to be like a mobster drug deal. Terrorism something, but they use David A.R. White's mom's love show. You want to have a different color because everyone's going to have a brown one when you go when you get to the carousel. You want to have something bright like a purple. That's true.

I go with the yellow. Yeah. This is why I gave you the millions back when the way that I wrote. But what this means is that the anti-Christ spent a bunch of time picking out nice luggage to hold his weapons. Right. Well, and he didn't just figure out one bag that would work. He's like, no, I want seven different. It could be a little rainbow. You guys can walk when it'll be a little rainbow. It'll be nice. There's seven of them, right? It just makes sense. It's called eclectic. They don't match it's own purpose. And this is where we're reminded that all of the bad

guys from Christian movies all come from the land of gutter uh... rightly they show up with these uh... uh... things of the guy just goes rattle so jump north and and everybody shoots the guys carrying the suitcases and takes them away right and then and then all the bad guys take their step-daughters to soccer practice i'm sorry

all in their very practical minivan. They think I've a man all the terrors get into the little minivan and drive it away. There's like put the suitcases in the back and there's also plenty of cup holders if you need to put on minions too. Yeah. And you too. So, all right. And then we get a little title card Jerusalem countdown. Well, yeah, John Haguey's been doing a Jerusalem countdown for decades now.

Yeah. He's been like two and a half for a while. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. How many times has he predicted it and missed like eight or nine publicly with different scenarios each time? It's the best. Quite a few.

He hasn't done one since 2015, right? That was his last. Oh, so he's he's batting a thousand since then or zero infinity. Yeah, exactly. All the same idea. All right. So yeah, and now we cut to Washington, D.C., where we have, so what's going on here? We got David A.R. White watching the news, tracking what's going on with the Middle East.

You can tell by his computer. And the guy who's giving this speech, it's like David A.R. White's version of Fox News, right? So too hot for Fox News because his speech is basically like, look, some people don't want peace. Muslims. Single biggest threat we have. So he's like, hey, look, the key to understanding the Middle East is to understand that the Jews are the good guys, the Muslims are the bad guys. That's right, the bad guys. And of course, and we have to establish that David A.R. White is single. So we have the single guy food spread going on around.

But they do it so badly. So, okay, there's a pizza box. And there's the stereotypical Chinese thing with the, you know, low-main with the Hashie in there. There's also bottle of sand, pellegrino, like the pig. That is. And like, stacked, like, empty ones, like he was binging on Very nice Sparkling water

Chinese and pizza. I want to talk about David A.R. White here because it's been a while since I've seen him And he really fantastic. It's up in this movie. So first of all in this movie He doesn't have a beard so much as he looks like he was eating a beard and got some on his face So much as he looks like he was eating a beard and got someone in his face. He looks like a comedian, L.R. trope trying to pick up chicks after a bad divorce. Okay. Well, my only note on him was like, David Erwai looks good right now. Well, that's only because we know where he's going, right? You wouldn't think that if this was the first you saw.

Boom. So, and by the way, I have to point this out because this is, he's watching this on TV, but he's got like four screens going like the Matrix or whatever. So, and in the middle, he's got his computer. Here's what's on the computer. An FBI logo, a box full of Python script, a teeny, teeny tiny, small bar graph. The words middle east database, just in a box by themselves, no database connected to them, a list of phone numbers off to the

left. That might be the database in question and a picture of a satellite and a picture of the earth in Casey forgets, which plan it is. So that means the FBI wrote a database slash exposition program. And the screen display reminds you of your planet and that you are in fact an FBI agent. You know about computers, sir. It's so dumb. All right. So he gets a Skype call from Brian, though, who has the files he was looking for, along with a little more exposition, right? Yeah. Basically just reciting back more stuff like, Oh, so speaking of, you didn't, we're not speaking of anything yet. We just started what you had a wife who got killed, right? Now, you're pretty super depressing.

Are you not grittier now? Back story. And okay, wait, correct me if I'm wrong here, but like this never comes up again, right? I don't think you had a wife who got killed. I think that is a picture of Eve, and we're supposed to watch him like, they had a breakup. He's mourning their breakup.

So I think you might be right because like he has a framed picture of his ex-girlfriend from multiple years ago right there. Yep. Yeah. Up. Oh, like you don't heath. I don't know. I have I'm moving art from an ex-girlfriend. It's not a picture of her. I have our moving art from an exit. It's not a picture of her. So stupid example. So we learned that he had a girlfriend and they broke up because of reasons or something that will never fully be fleshed out.

And then he gets off the phone with this guy, gets another call from crazy informant guy. Yeah. a former guy. Yeah. This is an amazing moment where he's like, who are you? And you guys like, my name is name me. Don't say me name face. Despite that delivery, that will be this characters. We'll be later identified as, oh, it's name it's naming name face productions over here. Yeah. No, yes. What was the name Arlin Rockwell? Yeah. Arlin Rockwell. Yep. Yeah. So he clearly said Norman Rockwell and they were like change that. Dude, come on. Arlin. Arlin is different. Well, no, you're not. But Arlin Rockwell says he's got some very important information from the FBI and he has to talk to him tonight. Meanwhile, in Edgewood, Virginia, these little titles, these little subtitles keep coming up and telling us which city and Virginia we're in over and over again.

So this one is in Edgewood, Virginia. We meet evil bad guy who's assembling purple laser pens like he's going to distract attack cats with them later or something. Yeah, whoa. At this point, like they do something with it, but at this point, we're just like, all right, evil guy has his black light pen complete. Yeah, he's going to see all the cum stains. What the fuck? What is happening?

And then he answers the phone. And he hears how he answers the phone. This is my favorite thing. You know, he goes, this is the fallen one. Which I love because that means he gets spam phone call. Your business. Oh, fuck, I'm gonna. I hate these. It's so good. We said, what if there really is a problem with my social security, though, then what will

I do? Yeah, he answers, this is the fallen one. And you can just hear the frustration from the other guy on the other end. He's like, hey, Dave, it's Alan. And then there's this long pause. And Alan's like, sorry, okay. This is dark minion. Okay. All right. But except for the guy on the other hand, the phone is taking it even more seriously than he is. Right? He's that he's got the voice modifier thing going on. He goes. Hello, my son sir. Is there much to report?

Except the voice modifier is way too low. Yes. No fucking idea what he was saying. It was like God, if it had just panned over and Cookie Monster hangs up the phone, God, if it had just panned over and Cookie Monster hangs up the phone and simply bites into a cookie, this is my favorite fucking movie. I want to Dave to acknowledge that or fall in one or whatever to be like, dude, just, I mean, you can turn off the voice like we know each other. You're not. What are you? I'm talking in my normal way.

How is this accomplishing anything now? I can't, I can't understand you. Oh my gosh. So they start talking in this code and how is this accomplishing anything now? I can't, I can't understand you. Oh my gosh. So they start talking in this code and this code is going to come back. A best-worst code could have very easily been any of our nominees. And it was so bad that I wrote the whole goddamn thing down as it was happening. I'm like, oh, this is just delicious. I had no idea that we're going to bring it back, but I have to point out one line in it, which is where he says to it, where the fallen one says to the guy

with the voice modular, he goes, the stork is delivered. Are you sure? Are you sure? You sure? We're sure you got that backwards, that's. That's, I mean, wrong, but you didn't even get the wrong thing, right?

Wow. And right after that, he says, we're awaiting the decalogue from mother from mother. The movie is convinced that decalogue is code, but it's not that's the 10 everybody knows that's the 10 commandments and they're using it's so dumb. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but okay, but it's one of the many things that this movie puts in going like, oh,

if he was a Christian, he would have known, you know, or something like that because they assume that we don't know. Right. Because there's no Christians at the NSA. Yeah, right. Or the FBI. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now we're in Jamestown, Virginia, right? And David A.R. White has gone off to meet with Arlen Rockwell, who is apparently a smuggler. I have questions about his house. Does he have? And I see we all have notes on this, so this is very important. A TV tray full of nail polish next to his chair.

He does. He does. And it's a lot. It's a lot of different nail polish. He also has a lot of soy sauce, multiple options for soy sauce that appears. And it's another, he's been on a bender like David A.R. White from Fork, because he's also single, but this time the bender was peanuts. It's like, Amber D. Jock of peanuts. It's like ember. It's so ridiculous. He took the death of Mr. Peanut.

Really. Okay. So, yeah, so they have this bizarre conversation where like the guy keeps hinting it shit without saying it. He's like, because he's because he's clas, he's obviously the guy that's going to get killed at the end of the scene before he can

give out all the information, right? So he's trying to give his mini clues as he can before that happens. He says to David A.R. Wade at one point early in this conversation and I quote, did you know that Iran is poised to control the flow of oil through the streets of Hormuz? A fucking quadude. Yeah. Or have you ever seen a map? I didn't know that. that like is that the question?

Yes, they are It's as a great moment where he goes. I'm not a bad man But there are some things I won't do I wrote my notes like button this shirt for He says at one point a red is at least as much of a threat as Hitler. I'm like, well, now, right? Because Hitler's dead. I'd you say they're even more of a threat. Yeah.

But David Erwin's like, yeah, right, you know, around Nazi Germany. Uh-huh. Yeah, all right. Yeah, no, I get it. But did anyone else notice who this actor was? That's Lee Majors. Oh, that was Lee Majors? Yes, yes. That's rough. Yes,, that was Lee majors? Yes, yes.

That's rough. Yes, sad, isn't it? That's almost as sad as we're going to find out for any Travis. Oh, yes, Travis. I think they might have just gone to Lee majors' actual house and been like, hey, we have a camera, and they'd been like, come on, only, and I was just hitting my fingernails here for a hundred of time today. You're taking a lot of acid reflux pills. Yeah, right?

It's a lot of sweet stuff. It's nice too. I wash them down. I wash my acid reflux pills down with this soy sauce, you see? They don't work. Next to my drink water, just a solid thing is going to fall out the bottom. Exactly in my shape. It's going to be a fucking nightmare.

Let me tell you. Oh, Lee Majors. And sorry, we're going to meet Stacey Keach too. So Randy Travis, Lee Majors and Stacey Keach are in this movie. Sergeant fucking Stadanko, yeah. Huh? All right. So we majors is trying to tell the FBI he smuggles some smugglies shit now. And again, but this time he's smuggled something that's a little bit too bad, right? And he's coming clean about it. So he goes

like Mr. Dottry, that's David Aeroide's character. He's like, I smuggled something into the country called Seven Wonders and Seven Wonders is the one second, get some water. Get ready for it. All right, but, but David Aeroide can action now action now. PQ PQ is written in the script. Did this. Oh, no question. He chases the hit man down, right? They do. They do.

Oh god. The chase. See the sun. God wait. There's one more I have to mention in the chase scene. David A. R. White. So the stunt man runs off to the roof and he jumps off of this roof under this car and then he jumps off the car under the ground and runs away.

David Ayer-Wayne's chasing him. He's on the roof. He looks down. This car is four fucking feet below him. The camera cuts, right? And he's like, he like, he like, he up. Yeah. Yeah. He basically turns to the cameras like, fuck this. No. No. And then we cut to him like, dropping two inches onto the car and running off. I love it. Oh, sorry. Also, this guy that he's chasing is way too much in good shape. And David, arrow white is absolutely nuts. So they have to make so many edits to constantly erase the running gaps that keep forming. But yeah. and eventually they wind up in this warehouse, right? Yep. Yeah. The, the, the, the informant guy lives in a fancy suburb right next to an abandoned warehouse layer. Yeah, right, right. Yes.

So, James, that was a weird city. I don't, I'll thought i thought he literally disables this assassin by shooting barrels near him like a video yes i thought he was gonna camp out where the guy would respawn why would it abandon warehouse the barrels of explosives inside he's like like a bad plan, but they all do it. We all have them. All right. So then we cut back to Chicago, Illinois.

We meet this reporter guy who needs to finish his damn article on the damn piece, damn talks, damn it. You know, and so the dynamic that we get here, he is a reporter that's working on the Middle East story. His wife is a born again Christian that just can't get through to him with her biblical wisdom. The perfect sitcom. He's doing his research.

She goes by she's like, I've highlighted a few pages of the Bible that might help your current events research and he's like, damn it woman. You know, as your research going, you want to use a 2000 year old book that doesn't know about germs. Why are you being such a bitch about this every time? She also explains to him about the prophecy that's in the Bible. For instance, did you know that the Bible predicted Jews going to a place? Oh my fucking, Yeah, she's like, listen to how not insane I sound when I explain this. It just starts going up on all the prophecies

in a zikio that have come true. Yep. Oh, is it you? I have no metaphor. Yeah, right. A zikio is like a zikio. Yes. It's like being like, oh, okay.

I don't know my way around politics. Well, you know that guy who lives out front of our building who will throw you his poop at you if it's his birthday? Well, I haven't invited him in to help with our discussion. Are you Randy? What are you going to say? I'm just... Yeah, okay, so...

Now we cut to Langley for Junior. If so, they keep putting up the names of different cities that are all within like Two and a half hours to each other to make it seem like this movie's going on all over the fucking place, I guess But this is where we're gonna meet a love interest right Eve and be country music legend Randy Travis What how I want to know the series of events that ended in Randy Travis being in this movie. I'll start it for you. Okay.

Yeah, there's only two ways to get that figure. The other is getting it in that story. Oh, he is looking rough. Oh, yeah. There's only two ways to get that figure. The other is getting it into that story. He is looking rough. He needs a fucking sandwich. He's falling apart. He looks like Slender Man just got clean and is making a go of it, but like he's going to go back.

He's going to go back. Yep. And that's exactly what he looks like Eli well said. Once again, you don't have a metaphor. All right. So he is the CIA agent that's being a little coy with the FBI agent that wants to know why people will die in the Middle East or something. Right. So even you've got some to them and she's like, hey, Jack, sorry to you know interrupt your smoldering rage whiskey, but Muslims are Nazis. I think we can all agree on that. I will need some information about that. Also Are you the sham wow guy?

Yeah, so he answers some information, but not the information she needs, David. And then in the parking lot, Eve runs into this mysterious guy. Now I'm gonna go ahead and tell you, I'll spoil it. This guy, this white American guy with very clearly an American accent is the head of massage. Wait, he was? Yep, yeah, and her father. Okay, I didn't catch that this, he was supposed to be, okay, this makes equally still no sense. Okay, yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly.

I didn't just make it make any more sense, but also, of course he's sergeant fucking Stedanko. This is the sea. Seeky. Seeky. Exactly. Okay. But yeah, so he pulls even to his car and he's like, hey, I needed to tell you something super quick, very important information that we just uncovered on that case that you're working

on. Jesus is the king of the universe and you should turn your life over to him and he loves you very much. Is the information that's like, but that that's what he's, he's the head of massage. This, that makes it so much better. Yeah. The head of massage is saying to her also an intelligence agent. Uh, so I realized that the Bible is complete literal truth. So I flew here to the US to make sure US foreign policy reflects that.

Now I know. Yeah, this is important. I really need more spy movies with a proselytizing deep throat. This is a real opportunity. Agent Henderson, thanks for meeting me. So you got a lead boss? Oh yeah, a big one. Oh, it's Klamesky, isn't it?

Damn it! She didn't know, never trust a Russian, right? Okay, okay, this is far more serious than that, Agent Henderson. Oh. What if I told you that you could make as much money from home as most people do in a year just by having a part? Sorry, like speaking code, is this like a safehouse thing? No, no, no, no, this is a business opportunity.

Have you ever heard of Thrive? Oh, my God. Seriously? You got caught up in an MLM? Is that what's happening right now? No, no, no, it sounds just like that. I'm making a passive income. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, are they? Okay, why don't you eat one right now? One of the striking bars that are delicious. Cool.

Yummy. Good. Right, I'm leaving. So dry. Yeah, but he wants her to see that Jesus is the only path to heaven. Exactly. It would be so much better if it was just thrive. Yeah. Yeah, but he wants her to see that Jesus is the only path to having and she for her, to her credit, fucks off. She's like, you know what?

I'm done now leaving. Oh, we're all done with the spy stuff. Cool. All right, talk to you later. Bye. Yeah. And then because, damn, if they're not going to get their monies worth out of those groovy place names subtitles, we cut to an FBI interrogation facility in Bethesda, Maryland. That's a different place.

And also, yes, in the region, different state, it's a real place. There's an original pancake house there. So everybody knows. So yeah. So now, Davey has that guy that he exploded with the barrels that he just he just knocked him unconscious and he woke up in the interrogation room reciting the book of Revelation apparently. And there's like a low level FBI person here who tells you that by the way, I'm sorry, I don't mean interrupt, but by low level, you mean black, yes. Uh huh. Uh yeah. And it's real upsetting how that

plays out. Every time in this movie, it happens like five times. Yeah, it's, it's a woman of color here. And she's definitely low level and she gets, it's, it's, it's very upsetting. But she says, Hey, just so you know, David A. R. White, the guy in custody, he recited the book of Revelation six times. I was counting. And he's like, why the fuck were you counting? Please, please leave. But then, but then he like thinks about it a little more. And he's like, wow, six times impressive, actually. Okay. Yeah. How is that more impressive than one? Yeah. Once you've got it memorized, you've just got it.

Like if she said three, he would have been like, all right, fucking amateur. I'm just going straight to bed. This will be easy. So yes, so David A.R. White goes into question him, but the guy is not being very cooperative at all. He won't even tell him what 7 wonder sits. Hey, starting to interrupt your revolutions, Mumbling heard about the six times congrats

on that. You want some coffee? I know Mumbling, I'll dry you up. Also, as he enters the room, this is such an important acting moment. He goes, John Doe and I've never been more sure of anything than I am that David A.R. White thinks that is the name of the other character. Yeah, so the guy won't help him. And he's questioning away. But then suddenly the guy like springs into action grabs David A.R. White by the back of the head and slams his face against the table. And then he does it again about 106 times because I figured out how to back 10 seconds on this

on the pure place player. So I was so mad for a second. I was like, did my fucking skip? What? I only came one so I could have come 106 times. I only came one so I could have come 106 times. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, you just basketballs is fucking head off of the table and then starts to run off, but just then, even the mysterious love interest that broke up with him slash died earlier in the fucking movie or whatever shows up and saves his ass. Right. Just before the bad guy can escape from a holding room in FBI headquarters or wherever they are. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Right. Into the great wild beyond. It's okay. Meanwhile, back

in Chicago, reporter dude is is watching this movie's Benjamin Netanyahu. And again, this is the this is the two hot for Fox news guy. And now he's explaining to us that they can't agree because so called compromise involves Israel doing anything. Oh, that is fucking untenable. God. Yeah. This is a hard one to listen to actually. This is, yeah, this is pretty rough.

Yeah, this is a hard one to listen to actually. This, yeah, this is pretty rough. At one point, he says, yeah, we gave up land in 1948. Whoa. And I was like, oh, really? What else happened land-wise with Israel? Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, England gave up all of India.

I don't know if you guys know that. I guess so. A lot of. This is the small worries. Every time we give up land, it grows terrorists. gave up all of India. I don't know if you guys know that. I don't know. A lot of it. This is the small worries. Like every time we give up land, it grows terrorists. We gave up Lebanon, we got Hezbollah, we gave up Gaza, we got Hamas and I'm like, yep, that's what's happening. Yeah.

I don't think those groups popped up because of the land that was given. No, I don't think that was the focus. Yes. And he finishes by saying, were the only country made by God? What? Excuse me, sir. But I have this high school textbook from Texas that would beg to differ. Yeah.

I mean, well, Ninjursag of Mesopotamia just knows the remodeling. That's, move it. Mesopotamia has no more land to give assholes. All right. Yeah. So he finishes his whole like, no, actually, if anything, Israel has been too generous. We've had complaints speech. And then we get a very quick moment of the fallen one, remember from the phone call.

He's preparing a bomb, but what? They didn't have C4, so they just used clay. So. Oh, is that what he was doing? Yeah, I wrote evil guys making those ASMR videos where you cut so bad. I said he's making something on a clay. I bet it's a dreidel. Oh, yeah, I thought he was just like playing with clay.

This is like, Lulu, Lulu doing falling one stuff with clay. I don't be. All right. So now Eve is filling in Davie. Oh my God. This is such an awkward way they come back on this fucking scene. So she's filling Davie in on all about all the stuff. She knows about the guy that he exploded, he barrelled earlier, right?

Yeah. Her opening line is, he's a spook. Ah, maybe find a better phrase to refer to your only actor of color in the movie. I honestly, I think that fucking David A. R. White got excited when he learned that he got to use the term spook if he made that character a CIA agent. Yeah.

Right. Oh, oh, oh, if we have him in custody, we could call him our spook. Couldn't we? Yes, David. We could have called him. I also love to like over and over again in this movie, everyone is like crazy sexist to this character. Eve.

Yes. But the movie is completely unaware of it. It is the only through line that this film has. Yeah, like everybody's constantly like, you know, you could smile once in a while. And the movie's like, the script is like, well, she could smile once in a while. I mean, I really, but this is where we're going to get their backstory. And why they broke up and why he was brooding at her picture. Are we though?

Well, yeah, because he's like, are you still mad at me about the backstory? It's thing and she's like, the time you killed a bunch of people. Yeah, man, I'm still mad about that. And he's like, no, it was a good tip. And she's like, no, it was a bad tip. And I just wanted someone in the movie to be like, was it true? There's a way to tell if the tip is true or not. Wasn't it, he kill a bunch of people?

I got that he made people stand outside in the rain. I feel like they weren't exactly afraid. Yeah, her name. She was like, you evacuated a building in the middle of her again, and he was like, it was a good tip, dammit. And she was like, no, it wasn't. Yeah. I assume people got more than wet.

Yes. Several colds, like serious colds, like who left in a while. It was a cat too, but still it was very uncomfortable. All right, so now we get this a great, amazing moment that's going to be pivotal to this film. Reporter Guy is about to sit down and start his story on those damn peace talks, but then he notices that the people moving in this house across the street from him are brown.

Yep. By the way, as he's typing and watching this, he's being stopped by the technically not the Halloween theme. So you can't. Oh, it was like half a note away. They would just go flat. Every fourth note or something. go flat every fourth notice and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and one two three maple drive wasn't the best hiding spot for your terrorous cell and suitcase nooks. But this is where we get the true message of the movie snoop on your neighbors because

they're probably terrorists. Yeah. Yep. And he's looking out the window and he's watching them just unload their like we're going to find out nuclear weapons in the mid like right under a street light just taking them out and he goes, he's looking out the window, he goes, those are ammo crates. Nobody else in the room. Yeah, those are ammo crates. I said that to myself. I said to myself. Yes. Did I say that out loud? myself. I said to myself. Yes. Did I say that out loud? I'm. How are you guys enjoying the movie? All right. So then we cut over to Norfolk, Virginia, totally different place, new place, wide ranging film, and even David are going to go have food on a boat from a Russian who knows the plot. So he's gonna fill them in, right?

Basically, this is the guy that David A.R. White knows that knows the information who gives a fuck why. So he, they show up and he's making food. First, he's got to like slather Eve with a bunch of sexism again because it's this movie, right? And he like, wet kisses her hand. Oh, so rough. Ah, yeah, but then he explains to him that those suitcases from before have new clear weapons. And David Ayerway goes, wait, are you telling me that Rockwell smuggled in seven nuclear weapons

into the US? And he's like, no, I'm telling you that they fucking smuggled in new clearer ones, new clear as in overrelating to the nucleus, not the nucleus. You know the word new, you know the word clear, you don't know them together when the next to each other. What the fuck? Let's have, um, let's have Eve say it now. Does she know what I'm saying? No, kill your, your learn.

No, you made it more even more than he did. And when he breaks this news to him, he sets it up so well. He goes, do you know what happened to cities that got hit with these bombs? Like, is it explode? Why would they not know that? And then he goes into all this detail. It's like they would the flesh would melt in a rip off like explode. Well, no, I was going to do a whole, yeah, I mean explode. Yeah, but I was going to do a thing.

It would be fire. It's an explode. I've been fired. It would be explode. Yeah, it's fucking explode, man. But then he keeps it, he keeps it explaining like, yeah, an explosion, obviously. But he also adds like, yeah, blows up the whole city. Also, you didn't let me finish some chaos and unrest, you know, psychologically. Yeah, yeah. Afterwards, this is where we will introduce the plot of this movie, which is that sure the explosions would be good, but it's really about affecting the stock market of the United States so that Russia and Iran can attack Israel. Because of our stock market problems vis-à-vis the nuclear weapons. Yeah, he's like, the whole purpose is the disruption of the American government.

I'm like, fuck, you could do that with Twitter. I mean, why are we so much trouble? You're going to be clear. No, no, let me explain it one more time. The nuclear bomb goes off. You guys got that right? Yeah, right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Now the stock market goes down, people are on their phones on their e-trade apps and we attack Israel. And I'll tell you what, if you think that seven suitcase nukes to distract the US from an attack on Israel that leads up to the biblical apocalypse, was all the plot that this movie needed, you are underestimating John Haguey. So we're going to pause to make room on our plates But we'll be back in a minute with even more Jerusalem countdown Into the tooth gods we offer

This big league chew to the tooth gods we offer this bag of wine gums. Hey guys. What's your doing? Oh? Ain't no just making our monthly sacrifice to the tooth gods, you know how it is. Yep. Gotta keep our chompers in good work and order. Guys, do you want a sacrifice? There aren't any tooth gods. If you want healthy teeth, you just need good habits. Mmm, what kind of good habits?

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Yeah, no, what's the harm? My teeth got struck by a lightning. Yeah, lightning we saw. Can we just end that on Pascal's major. Yep. Good evening everyone. Welcome to the evil chamber of evil's planning meeting. Muzzle, Muzzle, Muzzle, Muzzle. Yes, yes, Muzzle indeed. So just to be clear, our great plan to take down the nation of his real is in full effect. We have transported the seven suitcase nukes to America. Once they are activated, we can finally attack Israel.

Oh, I see a hand up. Yes, question. Yes. Just real quick. I'm just thinking through it, why don't we just use the suitcase nukes just on Israel, just directly? Yes, that's a good question, all good questions. Because then it would be all like

radioactive and stuff when we take it over. Oh, right, okay, okay, sorry, right, go ahead. Sorry, sorry, while we're it over. Oh, right. Okay. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. While we're at it, yes. Yes. If we nuke seven cities in America, they won't go to war with us.

Exactly. Is the blame. Yes. Right. Because we've nuke to them. Okay. Uh, but what if they do? Yeah, seems like if anything, they'd make us a priority at that point. Well, if a lot of attention then, well, if we, you know,

you guys, you, you plans are really hard. Okay. And all you ever do is you come in and you poke holes in my ideas, but you never come up with anything of your own. So what do you have? I said, uh, no, come directly. Well, I have ideas. I have. Okay. Well, like what?

Like give us an idea then. Uh, what if you cut a loaf of bread and put soup in there so that you could have the soup right there? Is it breadball? Breadball. He's describing a breadball. Yes, exactly. This is what I'm talking about. Muslim.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open up a Davian Eve driving from their Russian informant, saying all that new plot shit out loud again in case anybody didn't add to it. So just to make sure we're all on the same page. Yeah. Grandma, Iran equals Nazis. Got no, Iran, yeah. Su cases. Right. But Davey, he's sick of only knowing act one information, dammit. So like she knows more than he does. So he pulls over and threatens to kick her out the freezing cold in the middle of nowhere on the highway if she doesn't

tell him classified information so she does and so basically her classified information is the fbi was going over it again and it turns out the bible is right about everything he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he thing. And the example she gives here, again, we're going to use all of them is the nation of garage, which sounds just like Russia. It's worth pointing out that garage has been every country that Christians who live not there have ever wanted it to be since forever. Goggin McGog, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

And he says, she says, well, according to Ezekiel, and I started dancing, Ezekiel, time cube of the Bible, the man who ate a scroll and fried poop bread in his book, right? Yep. She says, according to fucking Ezekiel, Russia and Persia are going to form an alliance to obliterate Israel I'm like I'm sure I would remember that in the sequel real quick Can you point to the country of Persia on this map for me?

Now in today's time, I know they have a goal. You're pointing to James town Virginia We're drawing a cat. Okay. Okay. All right. So the fallen one guy gets a call that the other CIA assassin that they sent after David A.R. White has been arrested, right? And then fucking massage guy catches up with the Stacy Keach catches up with even David to like fill him in on yet more plot material. Sorry, it makes it so much better than he's the head

of massage. It does. It actually does. It makes it so much sillier. This is amazing. Okay. Yeah. So she calls him up and she's like, Hey, it turns out that you're spooked that you have in custody. Spook, spook, spook, spook, we're allowed to say that when we're talking about a CIA agent is actually he has a sister and that's where the next scene will be. And just to be clear, the code from the bad guy to the fallen one was the sister's bedroom needs to be cleaned air fucking tight code that is. Was sister code for sister in the is seriously was code for sister you didn't want to okay. So yeah, all

right. So David goes back to interrogate that guy again. I wanted so much for him to have like way more handcuffs on this. Let me ask you one question about your sister. Is she single? Cause I'm like, I'm eating pizza and Chinese food at the same time. Now I'm so single. It's rough. I don't understand how that's a negative. It doesn't like pizza and Chinese and sand pelagrino. Yeah, right.

So, okay, so now they're gonna split up. He's gonna go interrogate that guy. Eve is gonna go find the sister and interview her, but Dammit, if she isn't already dead, when she gets there. Okay, she knocks on the door, there's a pause, and the door opens, but not when she not. No, so it was on like an emptiness, openness, timer.

I can. So, and then while Davey's interviewing the guy and interrogating the guy, he's like, hey, I see that you have a lot of missed calls from this number. Let me call it real quick. So he calls it and wouldn't you know what the phone next to the dead body starts ringing. And it's even, it's even Davey talking to each other and they're like, well, this is awkward. We know each other and they're like, well, this is awkward. We know each other's numbers.

He's like, yeah, you got 11 missed calls. It says fallen one. You guys are idiots. Really? Fallen one. Fallen one winky face egg plan emoji. I don't really know. But just as they're talking, the following one bursts out of a closet, which is just

to be clear, like hofs is I think the word that we're looking for. He, so here's what happened then, this assassin, this international assassin and master of Chaos Warfare, we'll get to it a little bit later. Assassinated a spy sister and then hit in her closet. Yep. And waited for FBI agents to show up. When they did, he burst out of the closet, shoots the red shirt, right? The red shirt that she brought with him. Again, low level guy.

He's an African-American gentleman and then runs away without shooting her. Not only runs away, but there's like a little down the stairs chase. And when she gets outside, he's not directly outside of the door. So she instantly gives up. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's like, oh, he made it outside. And that's that's base.

We called it that earlier. Yeah. That's our base. I'm not even allowed to that earlier. Yeah. And base. Out of the yard. Standard FBI me. Yeah, right, but this CIA assassin, we've established the discussion, it's supposed to be the super assassin. We'll get back to it and establish it some more later.

How'd the drop on these two people and managed to kill zero of two of them? Well, actually, I guess eventually the black guy dies, but yeah, not a great super assassin. And he set up a weird like delayed door opening devices. Honestly, I didn't plan the closet. I just spent like 45 minutes on the delay. I'm feeling a little bit over. Take a while, right? Yeah. No, those strings, you got done with that. And then you just dove into the closet the last second. Yeah, you know how, yeah, exactly. It's a front end back end of the essay situation When did you guys agree on that outside was based though? What did you talk it through like a different day? All right, so now we have my favorite scene in the goddamn movie all right

This is a minor scene that actually could get caught nothing would be missing from the movie except this is a Christian movie So I have to keep this one. This is the scene. It's like the next morning and the reporter is having that awkward. I should have listened to your biblical prophecy conversation with his wife, right? Which again, to be clear, he now believes that because his neighbors are Muslim, like because we have the movie viewer know that there are suitcase nooks but he's just like I saw brown people moving in across the street. I'm sorry. I didn't listen to you about

the biblical flood. Yeah. Those are his exact words. He's like, hello, wife. I'm a real journalist. I'm very sorry that I didn't listen to you that Noah's flood is literally accurate. Oh, this is marriage. This is like, this is what you have to do. This conversation is fucking amazing. First of all, we should acknowledge that her robe is tied as though she's afraid that she's going to show some throat. Right. It's tight as though she's trying to strangle herself from it. And then so then the husband goes, they're arguing about why he hasn't become Christian yet, right? And the husband stops and says, well, obviously any objective person would agree that

being a Christian has made you a superior person to a non Christian. There is no disagreement. I'm mad. I just haven't decided that I want to be as good a person as you yet. Yeah, you've changed, he says. Yeah, you almost never want to do outfit stuff. And the theme, it's always the same. It's always shepherd and stuff like that. And the wife goes, she says, look, believing in God or not believing in God are both equally leaps of faith. And the husband goes, I agree with you because Christians wrote this.

That's right. I'm sorry. I'm apologizing because I don't believe in the literal flood of Noah. I'm sorry. Yep. Pinching goes, she goes, do you even believe Jesus existed to which he says, and I quote, yes, of course, there's overwhelming evidence. Billions of people celebrate Christmas and Easter every year. Did you know if you stack all the recovered religious gifts of the New Testament on each

other? It's literally what I wrote. Yes, I know how tall the evidence is. I've read the case for Christ. In one point she goes, well, if Jesus wasn't the son of God, why did they crucify? I'm like, wait, are you saying all those slaves along the Appian way were the son of God? Oh, that changes everything. And then she says, oh, maybe you just need to ask God to reveal himself. And I wanted him to be like, Oh, okay. God ready. Go. Yeah. Right. No. God has family rules. You have to believe in man. It's weird. It's weird that God would have rules, actually. You would have to.

Why do these movies always think that Jesus is a pushy time share sale and atheists are undecided buyers? Yes, I do love Denver. I'm just not ready to commit to going on that same vacation. So many times. It's weird that you don't get to pick your week. Is it weird to pick your week. Is it weird? Wait, hold on.

So you're saying if we got like a few people under us getting like some Jesus, we'd be making my, we'd be done. We can't afford not to be questioned. All right. So now we cut over to Davie and Eve Davie is showing up at the spot where her partner got shot, right? And she's trying to cheer her up by telling her to rub some dirt in her dead partner. Is it me? Okay, truly what's happening is the David A.R. White is like, look, black guys, I've gone

through so many black guys in my mind. So it does that. I don't know any of that's why I give them letters. I had to stop giving them's why I give him letters. I had to stop giving him. I ran out of letters. You seem you seem bummed out, but you shouldn't be. Yeah. And then he has a bit of an I told you so moment as you cries over the corpse of her dead partner. Well, yeah, because she's like, I had a hunch and I didn't follow it, but she didn't have a hunch. What actually happened in the scene is that she felt the teapot and it was still

warm. So she thought someone might still be there. That's what hunches are. That's evidence. Also, she had just seen a dead body. So you'd have a hunch about a murderer after a hunch though. It's's dead body. There's a murderer maybe. So all right. So then we cut over the reporter typing to again, literally one note away from the theme from Halloween. Yeah. So he decides he's going to go check out those suspicious brown people next door. So, Mr. Schubert's Google and who owns the house and it turns out it's some holding company and

they came and islands what? It's literally came and island trust and holdings LLC. Yeah. It's like the Panama paper company. Yeah. Right. Guys, I checked. Kamen Island Trusted Holdings LLC is available.

We can snap that shit off. I thought Wilford Brimley was about, he was going to drop out of ceiling and beat him up. It's like right out of the firm. It's so not subtle. All right. So we cut back to Davey and even they have to have that weird conversation that every Christian movie has and they're like wait

This is leading up to the apocalypse. Why are we trying to stop it? It doesn't make sense It's like oh, what if this is God's plan then we should probably Help the tear I feel like I lost the I guess a lot Well, then it's gonna we're gonna have an apocalypse apocalypse, right? If God's plan is for the apocalypse, that doesn't really matter. Well, we do. Credits, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, just once in one of these apocalypse movies, I want the Christian resistance to like half-asset because they know they're just gonna rise from the dead in the final battle. So he's just like, no, let me go. Don't do that, Dave, you'll be killed.

And he's like, what? Yeah. Not when I have this feathered Duster. I won't come on. All right. Yeah. And by the way, I got to imagine this is not the first time anyone's ever said this to David A.R. White before the way she brings up the subject is to say, what if we're supposed to fail? I also, I love how all the not quite Christians and Christian movies describe their beliefs is like, you know, I'd like to believe in a quote, something bigger than ourselves. What is that bullshit? You from his antelopes are bigger than ourselves. Right? Well, you're really fucking big. Well, in my personal experience, something

bigger than ourselves means you have two more sentences before I cry and this date is over. So I don't think we're my own personal experience. Oh, this is also where we learn that Eve is a completed Jew. Well, that's right. Yes. Yeah, exactly. She came from a family of completed. She is an incompleted Jew. She's the least Jewish looking person since he then write this actress.

Or since Stacey Keach. You don't think I look, I've been told I look like a Jewish person. Really? By another Irish person as an insult to start a fight. It was by a Haitian woman who was my boss at a restaurant. Was this when you were a drug dealing lunch lady? No, it was not the lunch lady part. And this is also where she explains to David A.R. White that her dad is the head of Moussaad, which is so crazy. This is so insane. It's like, oh, I should probably tell you,

my dad is the president. Like that's not a thing you can hide. I, I, I, I, and there's a moment here where she turns to me and she says, you know, she's telling her about her dad fine

in Christ and becoming a Jew for Jesus or whatever. And she turns to David and her wife and she goes, do you believe that Jesus died for you? And he's supposed to be an atheist at this point, but David and I are white, the human being, the actor cannot bring himself to say no. Right. So his character just goes, well, I don't know.

Not, not so sure about that. Yeah. Like he's going to get up to heaven and talk to St. Peter and be like, okay, to be fair, I said, get up to heaven and talk to St. Peter and be like, okay, to be fair, I said, I don't know which is guessing. If you think, ah, don't make me go back to earth and be me. Vanka Trump. Come on. So, and then we get David and Eve, they go to see Randy Travis, because he's not being straight with him.

Tell us everything the CIA knows, right? Tell us everything you know, like how come you look like Michael Fassbender's head got transplanted onto Christina Richie's body? I just, I love, this is how FBI CIA liaisons go in their minds, right? You just meet some dude in the bar and whisper the classified. Yes. I wanted them to acknowledge that too. And just like, hey, then this keeps happening. You say you work for the CIA. Do you ever work in a CIA building and not this restaurant with the right, right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right Well, it's fucking noon, man. Like, when do you go to work? So, and like, yeah, and then he won't tell him, he's like, yeah, you know, this is classified stuff that you're asking me about. So Davey threatens to rough him up. This is my favorite part of the movie. He moves to the side and there is a, okay, I'm going to say little Italian boy from the 1920s movie about the broth. I would say no.

No, there we go. He's like, get your hands off me. You see that? No, that I revealed. He's with me. So, but he wants to know what the revolution of God is and what the revolution of God is is the

illuminati, but they can't use those words or they'll sound as dumb as they actually are. So they came up with revolution of God. It's a group of secret, any Christy people who are going to take over the world, right? And the fallen one, this is about to be no any his favorite part of the movie. Fuck you. What is the fallen one? The fallen one is quote, a psychological operations expert in chaos theory and

Non-traditional warfare. Yes, okay Okay So because so that's full confirmation this movie and everybody on it thinks chaos theory is the theory of spreading political chaos. Making shit chaotic. That is what either John Haguey or David A.R. White or both think that chaos theory is. He's an therapy operative. You're an entropy operative. Is that what you said? Oh, teacher comes in the first day class.

Everybody rip out the first chapter, you're both good. Now you've all graduated my class. Thank you for attending chaos 101. The next week chaos 102 will be ripping out the last chapter. Yeah, right. No, that's organized. Amazing. You fucked it up.

All right. So now it's time for David A. R. White to meet Masad dad, right? So they walk out of the part that Randy Travis is in. He's like, Hey, now you sit in my truck and I will fill you in on yet more convoluted plot mechanics. Question. Does Stacy Keach, the head of Masad, live inside a limo? What is it in the United States?

So far, much, much more important question. What the fuck is happening with his mustache in the scene? Thank you. What the fuck is happening? Oh God, he hastily put that mustache on as they were stepping into the truck, right? It's the worst mustache we've seen in any of our movies. Okay, so to be clear, the center of the mustache is to the right of his nose. Very much. Oh, yes. That's the famous Stacey Keach cleft scar thing. Is that what that is? That's pretty sure.

That's the student go stash. Yeah. All right. I will say Stacy Keach's mustache is definitely better at being a fucking mustache than David A.R. White's pronunciation of Straits of Hormuz. He says Hormuz here, but it involves other things. There's Hamuz. Ham's no other things. Yeah. There's Hamuz, Hamuz, Himmus.

Yeah. Hamus. Yeah, that's what it is is they could just barely get him away from a hummus. And he said something that didn't sound exactly like hummus and they're like, we're going to run with that now. That's it. We got our chance of Nikhil Yolier. Yeah, really?

I only knew that he was going for Straits of Hormuz because they brought that up earlier. Anyway, yeah, but Stacey Keach tells him that only he can save Israel. And it's like, wow, that's weird because you're the head of Masad. That's literally your job. If you're like, that's your job. And this is where he tells him that literally he's like, yeah, Masad and the CIA's up, prophecy department that they have. We kind of remind up. We found out that Christianity is the literal truth.

So, you know, keep that in mind as you. Super fucking awkward. I gotta tell you. He claims that the Six Day War was in the Bible here, right? Yeah. Yep. Where? What when was that? It's in the Bible. It's just in there in general in general. After the scroll eating before the poop eating. Which is an actual. There's a section. That's a section. I just referenced a section of the Bible. You're little ant thinks means you shouldn't be gay because of right. Ask your aunt. Next time she's like,

I wish you wouldn't be gay. Be like, how much poop should I eat? Do you think? Which poop should I pick my bread with? How much should the CIA study Charlton Heston's filmography for? Obviously. All right. So meanwhile, so reporter guy is getting even more suspicious of those brown people next door because they just keep being brown. So he goes next door to pretend that he's looking for his dog. I love he brings as evidence that he has a dog, a leash.

Yeah. He says, if you see my dog He holds up the leash the one that goes here What he was probably on the end of this earlier Dog also I need sugar for my dog Diab diabetic and lost. What was his plan here? He is like, have you seen my dog? And he's like, no, do you want to check the yard?

And he's like, yep. And then they sit in the backyard together and he's like, not here. Any chance my dog is in your house. But I can go a little. He likes to climb into suitcases. Yeah, but that's it. Right? He just goes to the guys backyard.

He's like, yep, no dog here. And then he leaves. That's that whole scene. He doesn't like find anything out there. And okay. So then also even Davey go to the library, right? To like research the movie's plot. Yep, to find a Bible.

Yes. At the library where you would need to go to find a Bible is the library. Yep, yeah, because they didn't want to pay for a hotel. So they're gonna go look up prophecies in the book of his seat key. Oh my God, I wanted this scene to be longer that she's just like, okay.

So one of the chances that the leaders of the world have poured out bowls of blood and borrows of anger. Oh, okay, according to this, well, God is going to consume my filthiness out of me, which sounds good. I kind of like that. I guess I can't blush 15 times. Is that anything? Do you say balls of blood?

That's Mike Pompeo, maybe. I just love the idea of looking through a Zeeke old, a trino bind glue. It's a Ceele 25 17. Maybe you can look over that one real quick. All right. And then we get to see where the reporter has to go by a fake ID. Magic trick. Yeah.

Yeah, he did a magic trick. He buys it from this guy and he goes to take it and the guy back palms. The thing real bad. And I just want to say it right now, not enough criminals incorporate close up magic into their jobs. Yep. Go on Just like oh you want a dime bag. What's this? But you're dirty ears

Can I clear those dishes while we're doing this? Thank you. Thank you I'm a lunch lady so Dave and Eve are So Dave and Eve they're looking through the Bible, they're looking through the files. So, I guess her dad intercepted all those phone calls with voice modulator guy and the fallen one earlier. What do they do? Just looking at the Bible's index, being like, nooks, comma, suit case, no. The audio setup on the screen is, so they have logic or whatever the Christian logic

is. What they've done is they've just pulled up three tracks and then turned on all the plugins to the tracks. Why would they be using, why would they be using an editing program? Why would you have to look at the sounds? Yeah. Like, there's this thing through it. One of them is, like, can you give me some bass boost using the sound. Like this. Yeah. Like their listening through it, one of them is be like, ah, can you give me some base boost using the EU?

Well, cut all the umbs out of this. This is because they're really annoying me. Then they have an iMovie window in front of that. It's the fucking best. It's the best. And now they're trying to try to puzzle out that clever code that was so stupid that I had to write the whole goddamn thing down for

batom earlier, right? This is the part where they're like, uh, waiting on the decalogue from mother and they're like, decalogue, decalogue. What does decalogue mean? And the librarian shows up and she goes, it means the fucking 10 commandments. What are you guys stupid? Are you? I'm a librarian.

I fucking love God. Okay. Also, now it's time for the dumbest of clues. I'm a librarian. I fucking love God. Okay. Also, now it's time for the dumbest of clues. The Stork. Oh, Jesus fuck. Yeah. So as you recall earlier, they said the Stork is delivered.

So the Stork, as it turns out, that very night at a port in Chicago, a German boat called the stork. It's a chuh. People would go right by it. So, okay, we're making code words up for stuff. You've chosen for our ship, the stork. You've chosen. Stork. Your

I inch. Okay. Yeah, but they figured out the the decal log. The decal log is a code to live by. They must be waiting on codes for mother mother Russia. That's literally the goddamn code. That's literally what they fucking make her out.

So good. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. I loved it. So, storage was, I paused and really just sat back and enjoyed my job for a moment. All right. Well, you know, the sad thing is that they're pretty sure

they're nailing spy movie right now and I don't have the hard to tell them otherwise just yet. So we're gonna pause for a quick break, but first let me give it a act through the hard sell. Can they stop the Russians from nuking Chicago to take over the straits of hormones in order to overthrow Israel in time? Would there be any purpose at all

in injecting an assassination plot against the Israeli prime minister at this point? Wasn't this all supposed to be leading up to the biblical apocalypse? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the I'll see you that plot and raise conclusion of Jerusalem count down. But also kind of see that plot in the lower because it doesn't look like it matters. Yeah, it's got a box. I'll see that plot and change. Yes.

Yeah. Agent Sean Seanson, I have you at last. Never get away with it smelling cough. That's what you think. Sir, a message from the high general. Yes, what is it? In front of the agency, he doesn't know our code speak freely. Oh, okay.

He says the package has been delivered to the land of 10,000 lakes. Minnesota? What? No, no. Yeah, what the hell? Well, Minnesota is literally the land of 10,000 lakes. Like, even if I know that, I could Google it really easily. Switch coach, switch coach. He's on to us. He was code B. Okay. The Oaths K are on oot rey to the as it is per day piglet you're doing big Latin so you said codes are on route to the president

here we go but follow a mega protocol stop yep finally just so you know your chocked dirt child and he says wow chown churry about the trash it will cheer up on its chone. Well. Uh, yeah, I didn't get that one.

Ah-ha, I knew it. Now get me my chemeroid dream. Okay. Choke. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Tsk. And we're back for still more of this shit. we're gonna reopen on Davey with the prisoner again and he's I guess he's done now with all the half-ass Pretty please interrogations. It's time to bring out the fucking truth serum

Imagine being so bad at writing this movie that you need to introduce Truth serum. There was no other way to solve this movie that you need to introduce truth theorem. There was no other way to solve this movie. Serum. But it doesn't even work. Okay, this is so many layers of bullshit, right? First of all, he says, do you know what Narco synthesis is? And I said to myself, I'm thinking making drugs,

but no, it's not actually, I looked it up. Really? Yeah, it's recovering repressed memories under hypnosis, which is neither narco or syntactic, I mean, it is synthetic, but they don't mean for it to be. It's not truth serum. Well, that's exactly exactly.

That's also not what they're doing. So it's bullshit named bullshit, bullshit lead done by bullshit. And they don't even understand it. They get confused by their own stupid plot thing. He stabs the truth serum into him like a like a crazy stabby weapon. And he's like, is it working? And I wanted to be like, no, and get.

And then do it. I can't tell if he's okay. Okay, fuck it's not working. tell if he's okay. It's not working. Wait. It's not. It is. Wait. Say again, what would I say if you asked me if it's working?

Yes. So okay. So and David so mad. He does the pick you up and push you against the wall with my elbow thing. Oh, Davy's mom left him alone and he watched the dark night. Oh shit. David air white like winding up to be mad is one of my favorite things. He's like, he's trying to be like the bad ass cop, but he has to like build.

bad ass cop, but he has to like, build. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no gonna blow up the Israeli Prime Minister. He goes, fuck, what? What, like, we needed another plot point? Yeah. And honestly, it's because we needed Eve to fail yet again in this movie, right?

Because this is where they split up. Eve's like, I'll go save the Prime Minister. And he's like, okay, I'll go to Chicago and fight the bombs. I bet one of us will be successful. Oh, and then they're about to run off. And he goes like, she goes, Shane, I know that there's been no hint of romantic interest between the two of us until this very second, but it's act three. You want to, you want to kiss or something?

We're probably not going to see each other again in the movie. Yeah. Let me throw this out there. David A.R. White's best on screen kiss, saying it right now. Really? It was strong. Yeah David A.R. White's best on screen kiss, saying it right now. Really? Oh, strong. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. For David's work, that's his best work. Yeah. Okay. He didn't like bump his weird chin. The wars forehead. I feel like, yeah, that those two positives right there. No, you're right. No, you're right. Everything was in the right

direction and everything. He didn't scratch himself on Andrea Logan White's sharp face. Well, and that's the thing is that 90% of the kisses we've seen on screen with this guy are with his extremely sharp wife. So yeah, I can see why he's a little standoffish at this point. All right, and then we get to Heath's best worst. Trock jumping guys. Diveral, diveral. So these guys, they're trying to look cool. Guys, dive roll, dive roll, dive roll.

So these guys, they're trying to look cool. They're trying to do like cool soldier walk, but the snow is two and a half feet deep and they're like, you know, they have a two dive roll minimum in their contract. And they just show it down my neck. It went in, it's in jacket. It's cold.

It's inside, timeout, timeout. I have to go inside. I have to go inside and start over. I'm getting hot chocolate. They also have this amazing moment where they get to the fence and they go approaching the insertion point and one, the Eli Bosnick story, but two, they don't have like wire cutters or anything. So there's just a second and a half where these two sweet mother fucking bad asses are just like, and we are here at the insertion point. Hold on to this. I'm fucking the fence. You can do it everywhere. I'll knock at this fence. You're knocking. So, well, that would be better than D. Okay, so Dean, the fallen one, also has to sneak onto this airfield because apparently they need soldiers on one

side of the airfield plus somebody going in the front door as well for whatever reason. But don't worry, he's got a clever ruse to get by the soldiers there. Hello today weather. Huh? What is it? It's weather. Do you have any military words that would confirm your military self? You got your say, I'm not going to murder you. No, you're not. And again, just to remind you how convoluted this fucking plot is, right? So he's got a bomb that he's going to try to put on the plane that the Israeli prime minister is about to get on so what he did is he had his guys break into the airfield shoot the guards that were there get on the phone on the other end that this guy's gonna call and ask should I let this guy through and pretend to be his superiors and say

yes instead of just having those guys that already broke in, drop off the goddamn bomb. Well, you know what it was, they can't do their sweet flips. Well, they're holding a bomb. Well, they're holding a bomb. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You want a diver over C4, man?

Do you want a diver over C4? Ha, ha, ha, ha. You guys could just not dive, ro. Get the fuck out of here. We sir cannot. So he goes to the plane. He's got his mom and the one soldier's a little suspicious, but don't worry. He takes that soldier out with that purple, plash light laser thing that he had earlier. Remember? a double flashlight laser thing that he had earlier, remember? Hazer pen nailed it.

A circle mother poster. I mean, that already exists as a, like, not a pen thing. It's really not really easy. You're gonna build that up. You're gonna just have it be a taser. Straight taser. Like somebody heard laser pen and they were like, taser pen, this is amazing.

It's broad haze. We're making a taser pen. All right, so Eve gets there. Justice Dean is about to blow up the plane and there's a big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big Yeah show the airplane after effects the airplane really quickly to show a mushroom cloud above it Okay, but here's the thing she's poop you poop you and then he manages to text fucking explode Yeah, two four three one one time. She like comes up to him She's like you with the cell phone. are you typing explode now into your cell phone? You have a zone. If you are, stop and put your hands up.

Yeah. So she fails. He blows up the plane. And then he just drives away. What was she doing? And she's like, well, damn it. And again, she's not driving away on a car. Right?

He's driving away on one of those little carts that they drive around airports. So we said the cart was base. We said outside earlier. I know doors. This is all all about doors is base. It's part of the game. I wanted so bad for him to just like have a little old lady. He's driving to our gate at the same time.

I'm not a monster. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. All right. So now we cut over to the reporter. is okay this is amazing he's decided he needs to break into his neighbor's house because they are very brown and here's his goddamn

plan everything in this movie is so needlessly complex he went and got a fake ID with his neighbors address on it and then call the locksmith to help him break into his house by claiming that it's his. He got a fake ID for this. Oh God. Also, I almost nominated this is my best worst. The Go fuck yourself locksmith services. It's a weird branding.

You know, like the dirty Dicks restaurants where they're mean to you on purpose. That's this locksmith. He's like, so I'm gonna, you're gonna let me into the house and he's like fuck yeah i want him to be like oh also if my wife comes home and she looks like a big muslim dude no

no just no. So the locksmith goes to open the door and he's like, oh wow, you guys got a pretty awesome lock, huh? And he's like, yeah, we sure do. It's like, we didn't want anybody getting in here. And he's like, I gotta go get my bigger lock pick apparently. Question, are you a fast locksmith or a leg?

Regular you regular speed. Okay, you're just a regular speed locks. That's cool. You're going to get another tool though from your school bus. Why is he in a school bus? By the way, is that a locksmith thing? Do they need a giant? Giants. Well, apparently you need a lot of different lock picks, you know, like he needed a totally different type for this lock. How big or lock is that that's that's a little like pieces right what?

Okay. Well, what what he gets is a is a Scipian, right? He crams this vibrator against the door and there's just this and it pops open. He's like, got it. And then he leaves. And the reporter guy just starts sneaking around the house looking for a pop scare. Okay, but it's decorated. This house is decorated with what is scary to David. I. Are white. We're going to learn nonsense. They have a map and pictures of what who I assume was Sammy Davis

junior like and what was going on here and they find like fucking Muslim letters on the walls and the was the terrorist use right and and again we're supposed to just say it like oh look a fucking Arabic script they must be bad guys. Why would they paint the walls with Arabic? If this is a great question, see if you're a terrorist, you rent a house at one, two, three, maple store plane, and you're trying to blend in and you're like, all right, what do we paint some paint something on the wall,

something terroristy on the walls, right? In there. Yeah, sure. And hey, when we're setting up our terrorist maps and stuff, let's stack up one on top of the other. That way, if somebody finds one, they'll think, oh, they're only going to bomb this down, but then they pick up the map and it'll be like, whoa, they're going to bomb two, three, no four towns, right?

Okay, but still, let's put the red X is whoa, they're going to bomb two, three, no four towns, right? Okay. But still, let's put the red X is where we're actually going to do it. Well, yeah, I have the red X is, uh, well, we're not going to have a fucking timer that shows you how much time is left on the bombs. Come on. Right. Obviously. Okay.

What should the Arabic on the wall say, though? What do you want it to say? Like, Oh, I wish there was a way of finding out what this said in Arabic. God, I wish. Man, do I want to know? Did you say we are terrorists on a full off? Please don't translate. Yeah, right.

Oh, also, any chance this movie had of not being the silliest thing possible is offset by the fact that the reporter, when he finds the maps, holds the flashlight in his mouth like a big old dick. He does. Yeah. So any tension that this movie was building is to throw it off by this chubby gentleman being like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh'm drooling. Yeah, so yeah, he's about to leave and he's like, oh, you know what? I just, I didn't look in the basement.

Those are always super creepy. I should go down there. So he goes down there. This is where he finds all the terrorism blueprints that they've left about. Why is he still looking around at this point? Like, can he not call it in now? Like if he was like, hello, FBI, my neighbor has terrorist stuff and guns that I found. And they'd be like, well, did you check all the

rooms, including the basement? Maybe there's a perfectly good explanation in the attic. Did you check the attic? Do they have like suitcases that are not bombs that would disconfirm your theory? You need to go downstairs. You can call us back. So, yeah. So, so then we cut over to this scary gutter and dude who's driving home just that very minute, right? Yeah. Muslim guy and his henchman who appears to be emo Phillips are driving to go get the suitcases.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So he gets to call from the fallen one telling him it's time. And just then fucking Chicago reporter guy finds all the suitcases, which have smaller suitcases inside of them. Why would that be helpful? Like him seeing suitcases just being like, oh, is that Louis Vuitton? Like those are.

But even better, at this moment, we get to see what David A.R. White thinks the inside of a new looks like and is glorious. I am so glad that this is an audio medium so that I can tell you the listener to picture a coffee can with wires coming out of it and for you to be 100% accurate in what this suitcase new looks like, it's an acme anvil and acme dynamite. And there's like an emu in there. It's ridiculous. So I honestly have no idea what a nuclear weapon would look like in such a, in this, I guarantee whatever it is, it's not that. I don't know either. But I promise it's not

that. So. But okay. So put just then as he's finding their new suitcase news and by the way, literally the suitcase has a suitcase that has a new in it. They come from Russia. I just thought that was fucking hilarious. So just then the bad guy shows up and realized that the doors been opened. So damn it, they're going in hot with their guns drawn. This is where he calls 911. Yes. Yeah. From his phone 10 feet away from the bad guys. Also, quick reminder, you can text 911 now.

Like, I don't need movies to know that I know they're just building tension, but you, you need to know that you could text 911. Yeah. Yeah. So he's getting calls 911 and he's like, I have a very quiet emergency. Sorry, what? God, the opera, I wanted that scene to go on forever. Just 40, okay, sir, I need you to speak up.

Is that Diaz in Dog or B is in Boy? Really wish you were better at this. When I love about it is that the nine one, one operator needs so little information. It's just like, my neighbors have guns. It. Like, yeah, that's legal, right? And bombs. Well, that's still not technically illegal yet. They're brown. We'll be there in a minute. Brown, you say brown. Oh, we're coming. We're already there. My favorite part, he ends the call by being like, please hurry. And they're like, yeah, it's nine one one. It's nine. Oh, please hurry. And they're like, yeah, it's 9-1-1. It's 9-1-1. Oh, please hurry.

Okay. Well, hurry for this one. Sorry. Sorry. You know, your emergency is the important one. I see. Okay. Bye. Do I say bye? I love it. I love it. I love what? Did you say? Good night and good luck. What? So now, David A. R. White, who up until this moment, well, the reporter guy was rooting through the house, we keep seeing him driving like randomly through Chicago, yelling, nooks, nooks. And not having any luck, right? But now he gets a call that about this 911 call.

He's like, hey, we just got a report of a 911 call of a guy saying there were some bombs with some brown people. And he's like, that must be my guy. So he starts heading that way. Luckily, he just got a report of a 911 call of a guy saying there were some bombs with some brown people and he's like, that must be my guy. So he starts heading that way. Luckily, he just knows Chicago real well. Yeah. So he gets to the house, the bad guys here, the cops come in and start firing on the cops, but luckily, Dave can shoot even shooter than the bad guys.

They kill so many cops. I mean, to be fair, the cops probably shouldn't have worn those duck cut costumes and run back and forth in the exact same pattern. But, uh, yeah, David A. Er, why does not look like a traumatic? Yeah, he's just like, guys, stop strafing in a perfect pattern. Just walk forward into the, I'm going to go right into the house. Did that guy ding when he shot you? Why did you just turn around like that? It's a bunch of points. I feel like I was just happening. Waka, waka, waka, waka.

Does anybody have a power glove? I feel like that. Yeah. So that's it. All right. And then we get the reporter guy. He's hiding in a basement closet. And he prays to Jesus, even though he's not super sure about the whole Jesus thing.

And he's like, I'll believe in you. If you will like, you know, maybe send Chuck Norris to kick a ass. Oh, I would have been so good. I wanted so bad for Jesus to show up and kick some ass after this. So he praise. He's like, Jesus, if you'll let me see my wife again, I'll totally suck your dick. And Jesus is like, that's what I was waiting to hear. My plan is crushing it.

Gotcha. One reporter in Superb and Chicago. Yeah. And so he praised Jesus. He's like, Jesus, help me. And Jesus is like, yeah, I got you, man. And then he runs and tackles the terrorists. It's like Jesus didn't even do anything.

You did all this shit. Okay, there's a vital moment that happens here. Reporter guy stands up to shoot the bad guy right before he can activate the nukes in the scene, but he's shirt. He's got a sweater on over his t-shirt and his sweater is all fat guy scrunched. Look, I fucking get it.

That's me every morning and three times a night. But yesterday, pull down the sweater over his tummy and then be like, it's just been revved. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do one notch different on the belt. Just give me a second. There's really no. But yeah, so David and the reporter guy, double team, evil Muslim dude and his side kicks about to detonate the bomb, but they take about just in time, just in time. Yeah. Well, I mean, just in time as in, you have to do eight to nine minutes

of last minute Python coding to activate the song. Right, right. There's so much typing involved. It's like, all right, I can detonate this bomb as soon as I'm done with this blog post. There was like a puzzle game with numbers and like, you had to match up like the mushrooms like Mario three. And then like he lit. Okay, at one point, I'm not crazy, right? He literally had to type seven wonders, three or four times in a row to like finish the bomb go code. Yes.

So dumb. You want a real complicated trigger on your bombs. That's what you want, there's a lot of complications. Fuck, I was doing capture. No, that's not. Show me a different. I don't even know what you're going for. No, part of a sign hanging into that cell on the internet.

It's part of, we also are part of a call. I don't even use this email anymore. This is ridiculous. I mean, you are a robot. You fucker. All right. So, but they, but they, hooray, they, they stop before the bomb can go off. So reporter guy goes back to his wife, just like he has Jesus for

and he says, honey, it's okay. I'm a Christian now. Let's pray quick because the apocalypse is coming. Like, there's only four more minutes left in this movie. I've only got so much time. Great quick because the apocalypse is coming like there's only four more minutes left in this movie so I only got so much time Yep, oh And boy I'll say what for somebody who says he doesn't like this band. He sure knows all the lyrics Let me pray to Jesus and he's like quoting big long Bible script and shit Yeah, he knows it. Hey, man. If you know Wilson Phillips hold on, just sing it.

Did you just want to just own it, man? Who doesn't love that song? It's fine. That family got into some weird shit. Eli, I'm sure you know about that. Killed her father. She didn't kill her father. All right, so now the movie thinks it's got some kind of reveal going here, right? The Mr. Voice Modulator guy is talking to the fallen one and having him killed

like this was the end of a Jason born movie. Yeah, and they put a cell phone attached to a brick of C4 in his car and explodes. And I just wrote my notes, God, I want to know how the people who make this movie think bombs work. You just call the C4 and you say, go. But here's the big reveal. They show that the guy on the other side of this voice modulator the whole time was Randy Travis, the CIA agent. So the voice modulator smoothed out his southern accent. Yeah. It did.

What? That's a really, really good piece of software. Yeah, no shit. I got it. No, but you know what that means? That means that there's footage somewhere of a Randy Travis reading all these lines. So it was like, y'all need to get on down to the store. Yo, drop off this batten there, nuclear decadal, dehecalogue, Denon Hecken, Rockalogue. And somehow it came out, go to the storage.

Yeah, right, right. But they are setting up a fucking sequel and I am excited. They've been out so fucking hard. It's only been nine years since they made this. So I'm quite certain fingers. They're almost done. Oh, God, how many hopeful sequels have we seen, right? Like how many movies have we seen?

Where we're like, they're like, we're going to do a second one and we're like, no, you're not the fuck you're not. Okay, I will fund David A.R. White. I know you're listening. I will personally, I will borrow money from everybody I know with money to fund the sequel to this thing. I want it to happen. So bad.

All right. So, but we have to wrap it up now. If you recall, there's still an apocalypse coming. So David calls Eve and he's like, hey, I totally nailed my half of the plan where I was supposed to find all the nukes before they went off. You're half of the plan where you stopped the Israeli prime minister for getting exploded. How did that go? Did you do good on your half?

I am looking at the dead bodies. I've been sitting here this whole time actually. 500 gets into the hall of fame. Go to this. Actually, that's twice now that we've split up and you got somebody killed on your half I've been sitting here the whole time actually 500 gets into the hall of fame Actually, that's twice now that we've split up and you got somebody killed on your half of the plan and I succeed Just want to throw that out there and then so they're talking on the phone. It's just like yeah I feel really bad got the prime minister killed and then at that exact moment By coincidence the rapture happens Like like if he had spent the entire goddamn movie

and his underwear eating Cheetos, this movie would have ended the same. Mm-hmm. Yep, I love when movies go full rapture. I love that none of the Christian Chicago cops or firefighters got raptured. Which I think is right. Right, uh-huh.

What the fuck were they doing? Yeah. So just completely unrelated to the plot, everyone starts screaming. There's some weird lights in the sky and then a bunch of clothes where Christians used to be. Yeah. We see, by the way, that reporter guy got in just under the fucking wire, right? Give it his wife.

Get to go have him together. His wife is never gonna let him forget that they're walking around heaven going to the blowjob. He's like, you like it up here, huh? Yeah. Another couple of minutes, you'd be down there with the scorpious look. Yeah. Yeah. I know you said that. Mm-hmm. Already have said that, honey, right? Right. You mentioned that. It was just saying I was running that pipe. Yeah. Yeah. You were, yep. You don't want to outfit stuff now. Well, no, this is we are in heaven. I am loving this. So, and then, okay, we said we cut back to David. He's like, Hey, Eve, we're still on the

phone. Did the rapture just happen there? And she's like, yep, totally rapture. And he's like, I'll drive very fast to you. And she's like, but I'm in Washington, they see in your Chicago. And he's like, yeah, no, I figure I can cut it down to nine hours, maybe instead of 10 and a half if I all ask. Maybe coming for each type out of different title card. Maybe you're in. That's not been. I don't know. Wilmington Delaware is that close? Yeah. And then he says, like, don't worry, if there will be a sequel, she's going to take a minute. It's a really long drive. I might look nine years older when I get

that. Also, this is where we learn that Eve's dad got raptured. She calls her dad. Oh, that's right. And he can't pick up. And we, they like show his clothes laying there next to his cell phone. Yeah. So he was a completed Jew. Yeah. Moral of the story. You have to complete your Judaism and become Christian. Yep. The absolutely. Yep. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Jerusalem Countdown. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to fill in the blank for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, occasionally pure flakes, puts that a series that's just too damn good to miss.

Really? In this case, it's the Christian remake of Sons of Anarchy. I'm so Sons of Thunder. Manarchy. Sons of Arkey. Yeah. Sons of Patriarchy. Interesting. Interesting. All right. Suns of a murky. Yeah. Suns of patriarchy. Interesting.

Interesting. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 238 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the patriots and help make the show go. If you'd like to get out yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.com. Sash God awful. And thereby you're in early access to an aftery version of every episode.

You can also help it done by living a five-star review and sharing a show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aidea Association, Deidons, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or send a message to us. You can email Godoff with movies at gmail.com, legal services for the spot catcher provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Troy, December opposite take scare of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick and Veeble Travis on Mars.

All of the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week. For Heath and right knee-light boss, I think I'm no illusions, promising to work hard to earn another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club club. Charles Michel is the president of the European Council and also the Antichrist, but he's being super cool about it and not being evil right now.

Author of the source material, John Hakey, would go on to blame the Jews' disobedience to God for the Holocaust. And then later, issue a formal apology to Catholicism for pointing out that Hitler was one of the Erichards. Allegedly. Evil terrorist cell would eventually be taken down when Sean Dottrey correct their code of A being one, B being two. Hey Morgan, I'm just going to go ahead and say right off the bat. Just all fucking day, just get ready for it. I'm gonna be all goddamn day. So apologies on mute where I can, which Eli heat that means I'm gonna be muting my record microphone, not my Skype microphone. So you guys get to still listen to it,

but hopefully I'll cut a lot of it out for Morgan. I was gonna try, I don't have a mute button for my mic. So, I also don't have a mute button, Morgan. It's weird that they wouldn't have mute buttons on their microphones, isn't that weird? Morgan, that that wouldn't be a thing. I think we all have the same microphone. Yeah, we do.

All right. Is it this white one? It's a no, it's a, how you have it set up, it's how you, I don't think, I don't know that there's some mute button on the microphone itself, and I don't think you'd want to hit the microphone itself and it's casing while you're, don't worry Morgan, if I do myself, I'm like, no, it doesn't have a, no, I'm gonna push this,

but I, it's the way way it's like what you push it Push it Press it don't do that you broke it. What is major error me? I had a fucking roommate who had the like the whatever the the energy drinks the XM XM Oh, so my my brother law right now has some magic potion that he's trying to MLM to every, it's so fucking sad. And so he still thinks he can break me.

No, just your personal website is like a toll booth on the internet. And the internet. The fuck you talking about. We're gonna make that go. Sorry, he did we get you in the. I'm eating with chocolate caramel nut turtle. Wow, that's the worst thing to put in your mouth before a five count, right?

Once I go, let me squeeze this tube of super glue into my mouth one I'm having a hand so I finished this under done steak I'm having a caramel with it oh no one's a little squared little rubber cement on the top and the rocks man on the top and the rocks. Like bar. Um, you know what I love about poppin' a peanut butter. What I love about poppin' something in cheer mouth before a record is you're like, it's going to be fine.

It's like two or three seconds. It's not, but it's like 15 and 13 extra seconds is in a turning way. People are waiting for more. And then you're like, how does one chew fast? Like, you're trying to like move your mouth up and down more quickly. It's a nightmare. I hurt myself. I pulled it. I pulled a jaw. It's our tooth. That's that's that's three teeth. That's a lot. Let me finish these teeth. The proceeding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.

Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.