God Awful Movies - 239: Sons of Thunder, Episode 1

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

On this week's episode, the guys team up for an atheist review of "Sons of Thunder", a series from Pureflix that imagines what would happen if them folks on Sons of Anarchy would just talk out their differences now and again. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I'll, you know, guard the fence and be a vigilante ice agent, but I won't quite murder Mexican people for you, I'm the good guy. And the fucking Antoist credit, the rancher just looks at him and goes, well that's not what I was asking you to fucking do, man. I'm quite disturbed, that's right, where you went. You're intrigued to that. No, it's fine, you don't have to kill him. I mean, you won't hit your bonus.

I mean, we talked about money for that. That's a bit of for me, actually. You know, just aim for the left like the president said. Yeah, there he is. That's a big, big, big picture shoot him in the left, man. God awful. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII And then right he's welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who was not Christian enough? Who's that? Jonathan Rambo. But he understood Mexican culture and politics. He had nuance understanding all that stuff. But not enough faith. Yeah, not enough faith.

We're gonna fix that though. Yeah, it's not often that we dedicate an entire episode to pitching last month's bonus episode. Rambo last blood, but happy accident. Yeah. Like weirdly defensive, happy accident. Like slice the loan heard last month's bonus episode for patrons and was like, oh, sure you who's a racist, David, make a Mexican TV show.

And it was like, you got it. Slide. Yeah, we found, we found a TV series, a pure flick series of Rambo last blood. And we're going to watch them. It's fucking great. Yeah. And of course, that other voice you heard, that's coming from 900 miles to my northeast. That's from my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Do you know Jesus? What? Because he has my jacket. It's kind of asking everybody in this story. I'm not a lot behind the question as you can tell. I'm telling you just, you know, if you've seen him, I'm familiar with that man do not have your jacket, please. All right. All right. So tell us, see, you've already kind of explained it in a general sense, but what exactly

what will be breaking down today? We watched sons of the same kind of family, and we watched them, and we watched them and we watched them, and we watched them and we watched them, and we watched them, and we watched them, and we watched them, All right, so tell us, you've already kind of explained it in a general sense, but what exactly what will be breaking down today? We watched Sons of Thunder. Yeah, I did. I did. One. Again, it's a Pure Flix original series. It's produced by David AR White. Get excited. Normally, I do like a quick summary here, but there's nothing better than their own description of their own stupid fucking show.

Here it is, quote, combat veteran Simon motorcycles across the country, working odd jobs, helping those who God puts in his path and trying to atone for the past sins in a biker club. So yeah, they did like Rambo last blood and sons of Anarchy plus David R. White made it into a Christian thing. That's what happened. Side note though, and this is my favorite little detail, little piece of trivia. This is not to be confused with sons of thunder, the TV series from 1999, starring, talk fucking Norris. Yes. Which we are also going to be watching.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a Walker Texas Ranger spin off and good. Again, I got to give you their own words. Their own words are too perfect. This is sons of thunder, the TV series, I think on CBS from 1999, just 1999, clear. Quote, detective Carlos Sandvall resigns from the Dallas police after his partner is murdered.

He then hooks up with childhood chum, Trent Moloi, love it. That's Chuck Norris, an ex-military martial arts instructor. Together, they decide to form a private investigation business. Trent's brother Tommy and ex-cop turned bartender butch-mic-man from time to time, not always, but sometimes. That's the show description. That's the literal exact words from their show description. Jesus, you could have just given me the names and I'd have been in. Yeah, yeah, we'll do that. Also, by the way, the lead actor from the one we're watching, the one we watched for today,

he was actually in Walker, Texas Ranger for a couple episodes. Coming full circle. Yeah, he played Bull Clayton and Peewee Cochran. I played Bull Clayton and Peewee Cochran. There we go. Now he's Simon, the motorcycle, no mad guy. So happy not to have an ironically named character for the first time in his life. Well, I don't know his character's also known as Dozer, but yeah. Yeah. So Eli, how bad was this TV show?

Well brother, if you like the feel of the open road, the wind in your hair, the roar of a hog between your thighs. That sounds lovely, but this is a Christian attempt at not all Mexicans are bad, the TV show. So I got nothing for you. I don't know that it's not all Mexicans are bad. I'm not sure that was the message that they were getting. But yeah, but given the fucking combination of gun fetishes, fear,

mongering and harleys, this probably should have been called 30 to 50 feral hogs. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would. I'm going to go with best worst. Everything I wrote down as a joke turned into the actual plot.

I was so many times I was like, wow, that was racist. Like they might as well start hunting Mexican people and they're literally. I can't make jokes like this. This is impossible. All right. So I was going to swing back to their own descriptions as well, but not for the series, but for the episode itself. I was going to go with best worst nasal descriptor.

Okay, I know that's a weird one, right? But I know where you're going. Okay, good, good. I saw this too. I almost ran out this whole quota. So I'm happy to be in the city. All right, so I'm not going to read you the whole thing because they didn't write it down,

but it's pretty amazing. In the episode description on Pearflix, they described the rancher character in this movie as stiff-nosed. Pretty fucking sure that's not a saying, and Google seems to agree with me. It's not promulure with it either. So I'm thinking they're halfway between stiff necked and hard nose, but couldn't decide There's some anyway. Yeah stiff nose He's got like a medium soft nose his neck. No, no, no, no Maybe it's a nose sex thing and I just don't get it. I maybe Well, you definitely don't get proud about the lack of nose flacidity and I'm kind of stealing from heaths here. And I will not spoil this, but best

worst rescue day new mall again, we will get to it. But I paused the movie to howl with laughter throughout the entire last three minutes of this episode. I could not tell you what happens in the last three minutes of this show with a god damn gun to my head because of this day new mom. That might as well have been happening in the day new month, just like Eli with the gun to his head next to what was that last thing right in. Yeah, equally reasonable. All right, well, we've got a lot of main character to talk about on the other side of this break.

So we're going to need a minute to ramp up for it, but when we come back, we'll break down all the Trump campaign ad that is. Sons of thunder. Episode one. Guys, males here. Coming. Oh, males here. Coming! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh, male! Male!

Male! Eli, Eli, your shave box, nice, and your anime box. Of course. And of course your anime shave box. Nice, neat it, neat it, neat it. And Heath, you got a death threat from your dad.

He remembered! All right, just let me get my hand truck from my room and I'll get these boxes upstairs. Eli, if you like cool stuff so much, why don't you just try box of awesome by bespoke post? What's box of awesome by bespoke post? Bespoke post sends guys only the best stuff every month. So whether you're looking to commemorate an occasion with a champagne saber or toes perfectly aged winter cocktails, box of awesome has you covered.

From style and grooming goods to barwear, cooking tools and outdoor gear, box of awesome is carefully build collections for every part of your life. Like right now they have a box called gastronomy that's got a super cool molecular gastronomy kit. Or brew which teaches you how to brew your own beer. Ooh, those do sound cool. Plus, they release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel anytime.

Each box costs only 45 bucks but has over 70 dollars worth of gear inside. Wow! That sounds great! How do I sign up? When you get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxabossom.com and enter code awful at checkout That's box of awesome dot com code awful for 20% off your first box. All right guys. I'm in so So your dad just sent you a death threat

Yeah, it's yeah, it's just joke. We have is is is the joke that he just sends you death threats it Yes is, is the joke that he just sends you death threats? It, yes. All right, everybody, welcome to the first ever writers meeting for the Pure Flicks original series, Sons of Thunder. Heck yeah. Dave, whoa, whoa, what happened? Dave, this show might be about bad Sass bikers, but there is no need for HEC triple hockey sticks, okay? Sorry.

HEC triple hockey sticks. Yeah. You know what you said, Dave. Yep. Heck. Oh. That, okay, you didn't mean, you didn't mean heck. Wow.

Also, sorry, did you say bad sass bikers? Dude. Dude. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Jit, I won't say that again, nor will I say HEC triple hockey sticks again. Wow. Okay. That's more like it. All right. So what do we think it for the first episode? Okay. So you know how all Mexicans are either rapists and kidnappers or victims of rapists and kidnappers? Yeah, of course.

I do. I do. Go on. Great. Okay, cool. Yeah. Done. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a motorcycle and a narrator

that wasn't always such a clean, crutch, Christian. And so we're going to start with, we get like the series of like, bikery thing clips. We don't see him right away, but we see like his leather biker jacket and his bikers shoes and his, you know, whatever. We see all of that first. And is like baseball batting gloves that he will not take off for this entire episode.

Yeah. I was really hoping for a scene where he bathed in them. I'm quite certain he did somewhere on the set. He also had the chain wallet and then, and then he pulled, I was so confused by this, did he pull out a fanny pack? No, that is his teeny tiny backpack. Yes, yeah, no, we'll get to the teeny tiny backpack here in a second. So, yes,

so he's he pulls up at this suburban house. He walks up. We see the dude himself. His fucking beard looks like it should be hanging off of an oak tree in an antebellum plantation. That's a Spanish-moss joke, by the way, not a lynching joke. I just want to be clear on that. Oh, that's good. That's a good clarity. He looks like someone turned a troll doll upside down. Yeah. Yeah. He looks like he's in the middle of eating Dr. Albert E. Wiley. Yeah. Yeah. And there's like a poster image. If you press pause on this thing, it's like the background poster image. And it's very upsetting. It's, I, you know, got it right away. I hadn't even started watching the episode yet. And it's very upsetting. It's, I, you know, got it right away. I hadn't even started watching the episode yet. And I was like, okay, it's a, it's

a white power lawn numb. Hold the rifle with the scope. That's interesting. Like, like, if black people have lawn numbs to make fun of white people, they look like this guy. They do. So, like, at one point, my wife came in to ask me something and I paused the movie and we, she looked at that image. And I looked at it and I went, yeah, no, that encaps, that's not what's going on in the movie, but that perfectly encapsulates this film. That's what's going on. Yep. That is what's going on. So okay. And we should probably mention by the way, that this is an enormous gentleman and not in an intentional, I meant to be this big kind of way. No. In an Eli Bosnick after his 30s kind of way.

Yes. Feel like you started to say, he, that's, you can combine it all together. It's fine. I'm back away from it. I used to be a little, you're weird thin heath. Yeah. Right. No, you actually had thinner in your 30s.

That would fuck the whole day. I'm joke up, but yeah, for your skinny body. So in the narrators like, you know, I left the my sinful ways and became a good Christian biker, and I'm trying to write the only wrong that I can. And as he's saying that, he walks up to this dude's door, he knocks on the door, and it's just some random guy there. And he's like, Hey, are you, is this, is this your backpack? Yes. Okay. That was the Fanny Pack though. That was the thing, he's holding the thing that I thought was the Fanny Pack, right?

Yeah, yeah, and it could not be more cartoonishly, childishly silly, right? It's got the little wacky Jesus cartoon on it. I thought maybe it was something, I thought maybe I saw a Fanny Pack and now he's like, hello sir, is this your silly Jesus lunchbox that I have? I so wanted that to be the one wrong that he could write was that like he kept that we

are Jesus door the Explorer backpack one time and he probably shouldn't give it to the lost and found. Yeah, what happened in your biker gang that you were like stealing lunch boxes. And now later you're giving them what? I hope we get that backstory eventually. Yeah, well, he says, you know, he asked the guy, he's like, Hey, are you name Mike Brady? He's like, Yes, I am. He's like, is this your fucking weird Jesus backpack? He's like, Nope, never seen that before. And then he goes, do you know Jesus? The guys, the guys' answers, this is the greatest for the rest of my life. This is right away my answer. He goes, you know Jesus

and the guys like, I do not any closes. The light but firm, the light but firm. Yeah. Right. And this is the, the like mission of the show, right? Is that we're supposed, we don't know why. And spoiler, we will not find out why, but he's searching for a guy named Mike Brighton. It's, my name is Earl, but with Jesus. So, yeah, is your name Mike? Yeah. He's searching for a Mike who lost a silly Jesus lunch box somehow. And he's been riding for like years around the country doing this, according to this little monologue he's doing.

And then he's like, God sure is fucking mysterious. I don't know. Yeah, I'm supposed to, this clearly pays off huge. It's not happened yet though. I don't know. I guess I keep going. So, and then there's this great moment where he like sits down on his bike

And he's just like all right Jesus wear to next And then waits for a fucking answer He actually says Lord where should I go next? Giant pause 10 11 12 13 all right All right, I'll pick again. It's a it's cool. It's cool. I ask you a lot. You never really wanted him to keep going. Are you mad? You're right. You do care where we eat though, because sometimes you don't like the place that I mean, I mean, I usually get pizza. I feel like you don't just say whether you want it or not or else,

it's going to lead. It's going to be like a big thing that builds. And eventually you would just like a straw. And I have to point this out to like, how is it that bikers think they look bad as they have watched each other back up before, right? It's the best. there's no way to ruin the mood of what they're trying to go for then this very large gentleman being like They fall over really easily Good he's just like all right God. I'm gonna strike out on your journey again Hold on hold on Why Hold on hold on. Hold on. Let's go back. Let's do water this thing. Moving forward. Yeah.

Back it. Hold on. I turned on born to a while too early. I need to back it out for five more minutes. It takes a long time. It's already. All right. I got to pick a different song.

It's done. It's done. All right. So a title screen later, we're into the show proper. This character, his name is Simon, by the way, the large biker guy. Simon is just chilling out. He's reading his Bible in the glaring fucking sun with his finger with his fucking finger like a fucking toddler. You got to keep the finger. So I don't lose my place. Yeah, exactly. So he's reading a book with his finger and a truck full of Mexicans show up so you know they're bad guys. And they are right. Like I'm not just, yeah, they are.

They are. And again, hate to plug the bonus episode twice in the same show, but these two actors did go to the slice the loan acting school of Hispanic head tilting. So it's important. Important to point out. Yeah, they did all the way with the weird all the way back to it. Like these, these guys, they're from like a Nazi propaganda poster about Mexican. Yeah. All right. So these two Mexican guys come up and they're like, hey, love your bike.

We want to buy it. And he's like, I ain't going to sell it. They're like, we want to buy it anyway. I'm like, Oh my God, they're going to kill his dog. He's going to turn into fucking John 316. Wicked isn't it? Fantastic. John 3 Wix team. Yes. We'll go with three Wix team. Nice. That's where John Wix Jewish. John Wix team. What? I'm so sorry. I hate to bother you. But you killed my dog. I'm so sorry. I hate to bother you. But you killed my dog. Oh, I'm so upset with you. You killed my dog. Every time I see someone who knows you, I tell them that you killed my dog.

Just. I'm John Wixstein. All right. So no, okay. So at this point, to well, they're arguing a jujude dude walks out of this store and needs to leave, but they're blocking him in with their truck. So now he's in the fight too. It escalates so quickly too. This guy just, he walks out, and this is, this is so badly depicted. It's this, look, white guy just asking them very nicely. Yeah. Can you move your truck so I can just asking them very nicely. Yeah.

Can you move your truck so I can leave? Kill white people. Yeah. Right away. I don't even know where there's guns are pulled at that moment. Yeah. Well, and the other guy pulls a gun on Simon the biker, right? He's like, you won't sell me your bike.

Well, how about now? Pulls out of the gun. Like, how does that lead to a sale? Right? Is there a fucking scenario in this guy's head where Where we're fucking Simon sells him his motorcycle gun point. Oh God, how good would this TV show be if there was just a flash cut to them signing paperwork? Okay. Yeah.

Right down to the title of this place. Do you need me to sign as it? As is. That's clear, right? We said that. Also, by the way, when this gun gets pulled, Simon, the main character of this show is very clearly in the script supposed to immediately like go into a badass like fight thing, but he doesn't because he is living in slow motion in the world and as an actor. So this guy playing the Mexican

thug guy is like, I'm pointing this gun at you now in case maybe you didn't see, did you maybe have a physical reaction? Honestly reacting too late to something could be his entire character descriptor, right? But, but eventually he does spring into action. The choreography here is just y'all hold still while I beat you up, right? He just like very slowly like pushes the gunhand away. Yep. And then also way long after that punches the guy. And you might as well do the pop by wine dot before a punch.

It's right. It's to get reminded at each step is like, okay, so you've, you've pushed my gun away. Did you want to punch me in the? I got it. I got it. Please don't help me. I know what I'm doing.

I'm building a moment. Do you want to put down the shake weight before you punch me? No, no. And so he punches the guy that pulls the gun on him. The other guy, meanwhile, is still like, I don't know, trying to steal the ginger dudes shoes or some, I have no idea what they're doing over there. But Simon comes over and rescues him too. Yeah. And he does the big like, he comes up behind the guy and like grabs him by like the scruff of the neck like

a kitten was going to just relax that. Exactly. Yeah. And then he smashes him like his entire body into the truck like the side of it and it's just like smushy smush smush smush smush. They guys are. I guess this would be the best tape. I don't know.

Fine. So, okay. So then we cut to Biker dude, given the police a statement about this altercation. And the cop explains like who that kid is and why the Mexican guy's wanted to fuck with him specifically. Apparently his dad owns a big chunk of land by the border and he built a big fence along it that he patrols himself. So we know who he votes for normal, normal. Yeah. And the cop goes like, uh, yeah, I love this line so much. The cop goes, there are kidnappings along the border all the time. Cartels, coyotes, I'm like, well, why, why would the gangs, like kidnapping

gangs really goes, uh, retribution. I'm like, all right, you run out of groups and just start to throw out motivations now. Come on. Hold on. Hold uh, Retribution, I'm like, all right, you run out of groups and just started throwing out motivations now. Come on. Hold on. Hold on, let me, I have more words about Mexican. And, uh, head tilting. Uh, uh, head tilting. Uh, uh, uh, head tilting.

Uh, uh, head tilting. Uh, uh, head tilting. Uh, uh, head tilting. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, So do you see I do actually I So it happens and it's so awkward because he's like hey if I can ever do anything to thank you and he's like employ me and he's like oh That's a longer term Join my condo association That's a lot. So luckily though, it just so happens that OP does have work for a gigantic biker. He's like, yeah, my dad owns a ranch and he's always hiring random bikers. So come with me.

He's holding money. So perfect. There you go. This lines up. So they get back to the ranch and immediately we know that dad is physically abusive to this poor kid. He hates him so much and it will never, because it's so beautiful, right?

It's the viewpoint, right? They're like, oh, he's a tough dad. But unlike all the other TV shows where like the dad's softens or the son of the father have some kind of like, you know, reconciliation. Nope. Not in Christians in a way he's just like, book you son. I hate you.

Why are you late? Yeah, he goes, the dad goes, why are you late? And the son goes, well, Mexican is trying to kidnap me dad. I just didn't even ask how I was. And I'm like, cause in the show descriptor, that's what they say happens to. I'm, I watched this happen. Do you know, are we saying that those Mexicans were trying to kidnap that guy? Is that what was going on?

I think they were trying to buy a motor. Like, I got happened against that. That's how I viewed that situation. But no, this kid's just like, Mexican's trying to kidnap me. God, he's all about for the rest of the movie, the best. And then the dad's like, okay, we'll circle back to that. I think you're lying, but fine, Mexican has tried to kidnap you. But then why is it like, and then you fucked ZZ top here.

Why is this guy here? He needs a job. So the dad just when he goes, all right, well, I hire ranch hands all the time. It pays $100 a day plus room and board. Wow. Plus a generous, bound commission, generous commission to guard my wall along Mexico. He pays $100 a day plus free room and board.

Welcome to Bernie Sanders ranch. What the fuck? Yeah, I get the back of the envelope. That's about 40 grand a year, depending on how good they feed you. So pretty good work if you can get it. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, but you got to save my son. Everyone else makes the traditional three cents a day and owes me money for sleeping

here. Right. You'll need to be a white gritty Christian biker to get this job. Exactly. Yeah. All right. So while he's out ranch hand in, he wakes up a Mexican girl who secretly spent the night on the ranch. So she runs away before anyone can see her, but she forgot her, I don't know, fucking Hello Kitty phone cover thing.

This is such a weird item to make a MacGuffin of. It's so big. They have no idea what refugees have and don't have and dress like it's amazing. Yeah, so they went with cell phone gaze as an important thing. And like, yeah, this is supposed to be like a serious thing. This is a refugee trying to like flee something terrible and cross the border. But the tone

of this moment is so silly and dumb in this TV show because she like, she goes back and then she like angrily runs back out of her little like hideout. Like she's late for work. Yeah. That's the tone of it. She's like, oh, oh, now I'm going to get a different slight the train. It's on a different thing now. Oh, fucking what time of day is it? Right? Cause like we met these people.

They were in town and then they were just a kidnapping shit. The dad said the kid was two hours late. And now he went to work after that. Was she outdoors, sleep until 11 a.m. What the fuck is going on here? It's really had a lion Alexa, what the fuck I said you for three alarms I have to You get to take self-care days during your trip across the border I want to be stopped for an egg McMuffin. Now there's not a god damn. No, I should not have brought my echo dot with me. So.

All right. So now they go back. He's been out ranch hand in all day, I guess. And now the stiff, noised rancher would like to have a scene with him in front of a bunch of disembodied deer heads where he can demand Simon's backstory. All using improper pluralizations, like this whole scene is just him being like, I hear you done that pretty good. I never thanked you for what you done. The whole time I'm expecting no to pop out of a trash can and just be like, well, you took the dogs apart pretty well. I love the, um, the main character. What's his name?

Simon. Simon walks in here. And yeah, Mr. Sterling, the big rancher guy, stiff nose, of course. Maybe it relates to the stiff nose. He's just like playing with his antler collection. Yeah. Yeah. I get all that stuff I killed.

Right. Exactly. And Simon walks in and immediately Mr. Stern is like, where are you from? I will not look away from my antlers while we talk by the way. Right. And Simon's like, okay, okay. All right, we're doing a no look conversation. I will go opposite wall, I guess.

So I'm from nowhere, got no family, but I was reading the Bible, says, you're technically my dad now because I beat up Mexicans to help your son. That's in the book, just so you know, and that's the plot of this, right? That's like what that's I know. Yeah, what happens now? Yeah So, yeah, so the guy offers him a drink. He says no, I'll just have a water. I'm all the way Christian. He's like good good Actually, it's gonna be sweet tea because we're in in Texas. You want some sweet tea and then a square dance and then the fuck Good, we hit our demographic good new one. Yeah, it's so good It's supposed to be like this bad ass moment. They're trying to characterize this stiff nose Texan rancher

And he's like what you drinking and before the guy get before Simon can even say he's like we drink sweet tea in these parts And yeah, okay, you couldn't have had like a whiskey out I don't know or even just an unsweeted team, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. But then he starts explaining, the rancher starts explaining the Simon that he's alone out here in the ranch, just him and his son because his wife left him on account of she didn't like, and he starts dancing around just saying Mexicans.

Right? Like that's certainly what he's employing. And also he's not happy that Jake is still there. He's like, yeah, my wife left me and took the kids. It's a joke. Stayed. For some reason. You Jake.

Well, and then fucking Simon goes, well, you know, the Bible says the guy's like, God damn it. Well, you can, are you gonna fucking quote the Bible every time I talk to you and I'm like I like this guy Like I maybe I'm stiff nose to that could be it I also I love how dumb People sound when they try to quote the book because there's not there's nothing good in the Bible right there are never There's never a good appropriate quote So it's always just some kind of like

Flora fucking words that don't really apply to the situation and certainly don't mean anything. You know, the Bible says, yeah, be to he who walks among the fissiles. What? Do you have some muscles here? Is that helpful right now? No. No. Can we just agree that the Bible like that Jesus kind of generally would disagree with the Republican Party about refugees? Hey, fuck you, cuck. Well, no, because he doesn't say that. He immediately turns to his son.

He's like, you see that? You see that son? That's how real men disagree mildly and with literally no stakes because we're both white. Well, and of course, this is the way, because the guy is basically saying, like, you know, hereabouts, we take care of white people. We don't worry about Mexicans. And Simon goes, well, I think that we're all the Lord's children.

And then the TV show itself turns to Eli and says, see, we're not racist anymore. Now it's woke. The whole thing. It's woke now. Mother fucker. Uh-huh. Where do you think of that? And the look on the sun's face here is great too. Right after this like nonsense, where two guys completely disagree on their politics and in Texas and they're both like, okay,

well, you know what? Let's both, let's both regroup and think about these things and see if we can get to a better place with our opinions. And the sounds just like, what the fuck is happening? This is nonsense. Well, and again, because it's the wonderful gift of doing this show is getting to watch the world through Christianize because this is what they think political disagreement should be right, right? One person should advocate genocide. The other person should say no.

Agreed to disagree. But respectfully, respectfully say no. Yes. Respectfully agree to disagree about genocide. That was productive. What? I mean, I didn't have to change my mind or do anything or even really consider your point, but that was productive because I didn't have to feel

in the feely parts because you made me think with the think top top. Yep. Yep. You see that Simon with your goddamn Facebook page. You have to unlock me. I'm your dad. So yes, so with that all wrapped up,

the sun turns to Simon, he goes, all right, that's the end of that scene. Let's go, hey, some cows. Okay. Okay. So I heard that correctly. Hey, that's a verb you can do to a cow, you can. Okay, a cow.

So I immediately assumed that they were all going to go to a grocery store with a bunch of cows and go hey hey hey you guys don't remember that we did that we did that movie yeah that's hard all right well the main characters pointed out that in addition to rapist and murderers some of them are very fine people and that's the closest to

woke that we ever get so we're gonna pause on that high-nope we'll be back in a minute with even more. Sons of thunder. Hello, welcome to typical fancy butcher experience. How may I judge you? Hey, yeah, I'm looking for high quality meat at affordable prices. Ooh, so you signed up for butcher box?

No, I came here. What's butcher box? Butcherbox shifts the curated selection of high quality meat right to your home. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones plus each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. It's packed fresh and shipped frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way. You can customize your box or go with one of theirs. Either way, you get exactly what you want. Okay. And what do you have here? Oh, here we have very expensive meat. You don't want to eat. Can I interest you in some mouse sweet breads? They're on sale for just all the money you've ever made or perhaps you'd like to try our goose bacon. It's mostly beak.

Nope, nope, nope, not that stuff. Just out of curiosity, what kind of meat does butcher box have? 100% grass fed and finished beef, free range organic chicken, heritage pork, wild caught Alaskan salmon, and sugar and nitrate free bacon. See now that sounds amazing. Oh, it is. And right now, Boogerbox is offering new members ground beef for life. That's two pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of their subscription.

Plus $20 off their first box. Wait, if I sign up for butcher box, I get free ground beef for life. Indeed. But do they have yak vocal cords because we have yak vocal cords? Okay. Cool. Yeah. Sounds delicious.

But the butcher box thing. Yeah. Yeah. I figured just go to butcherbox.com slash awful or enter promo code awful. Let's check out that's butcherbox.com slash awful or enter promo code awful at checkout. Cool. Uh, I'm going to go for a second. I just, I left something in my car. Are you sure I can't tempt you with a sample of squirrel fears?

I mean, free sample, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great. Huh. Yeah. Tastes nutty. Yeah. Yeah. That's a squirrel fear. Right. Would you say your name was again? A biker mic. Well, Mike, welcome to Final Stand Ranch.

This is my son, Timmy. I hate him. Hi. Sorry. You what? Oh, I hate him with a fire a passion of a rebel army. His mother left me and took the whole family, but nobody wanted Timmy. So he just kind of Still lives here, I guess Um, okay. Would you care for some sweet tea? Yeah, sure. That's how you accepted off for a sweet tea like a man, like a man's man. Sure. None of this. Yes, shit. You bandy about like Oscar Wilde on an ether bender. Yes, yes, Papa.

God, you sound like a fucking Eugene O'Neill character. I hate you so much. I should probably just go. No, please don't let him ruin this moment. So what brings you to this neck of the woods? Uh, okay. Well, yeah, I'm looking to find maybe a, I was, I was, I was, you were, you stand, you, you sack a man, you, you, you, you you soulless, homunculus. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're back for more of this shit and we're gonna open up on Simon layin in his bed, leafin through his Bible. Yeah. Well, tiny picture of his tragic backstory in there.

Okay, this is a flashback, right? Yeah, so I just wanted to, because like he pulls out this picture, this little tiny picture of the girl that he's gonna pine for. And I assume that like she had been killed and he was gonna to venture, because that's usually when you see the little picture like that. And I had this like really weird moment where I realized I don't have any tiny little pictures of Lucinda, right? So if she ever gets taken out by terrorists, I am entirely unqualified to avenger.

Yeah. You got to get some man, right? You got to get a get into it. You got to get a blood feud lock it. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. Go back, you know, like passable knives and some. Yeah, like we're those little booths. We need to go to one of those little booths. That would do the track. Power bars. So you're going to be out in the woods. You're going to be setting up Rambo stuff. You know, you don't want to eat at a certain point. Yeah. All right. So, but that all leads to the flashback of the extraordinarily mild circumstances under

which he and this woman parted company. Yeah. And the opening of this will be her walking in on him hiding something and it's so awkward, right? She comes in and she's like, what are you doing? He's like, nothing. Wasn't fucking a banana peel. You weren't?

Nope. That was specific. What? It's crazy. No, I'm just never, I want you to know. You weren't. Nope. That was specific. What? Crazy. No, I'm just never, I want you to know. I've never. I'm fucking a banana.

You used the microwave for like 10 seconds. I noticed what was that? Hot pocket. Hot pocket 10 second hot pocket. You need a medium warm pocket. I like a lot of cold. You like them a little bit just iced on the inside still. Yeah, it's like a meat popsicle.

You also fucked the hard pocket. Yes. This is Vanessa Angel, by the way, which made me very excited. She plays his wife, I guess. Yeah, I looked at her IMDb page to try to figure out where the hell you knew her from and I still couldn't. Yeah, she's in real stuff, including play. She's in.

I thought you meant a movie called real stuff. Honestly, like I was just like, that's how unfamiliar I was with her stuff. She was in like the weird science TV show or something. Yeah, correct. I saw that he knew this actress was and I wrote in my notes, I wonder which episode of Save by the Bell. She was in the background of. Yeah. She's in spies like us. Ed, she was in Kingpin. She's the like, she was in

the like us. Yeah. Who was she? Spies like us. Forget the character name. Okay. But she was, she's the main love interest in Kingpin. She's the like, oh, the big sex symbol character in Kingpin. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So this is the one that looks at this symbol character in Kingpin. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So this is the one that looks at this movie and cries the hardest. Gotcha. And we learned that he's got to leave because he got enough fight down at the Biker Club and he hurt.

Ringo. Really, really bad. So just to be clear, there's a guy in a Biker gang named Ringo. Ringo. We will meet him later. So he's like, you know, Ringo is pretty upset. And I've got to run off and like, I'm basically, I'm gonna need a whole TV show at this point probably. And just then a motorcycle pulls up.

And the two actors react to it so goddamn late. So late. Like we're, we, we, the audience are going, you guys, you that, that's, that's going to be Ringo, right? Like at the, oh, right, right, Ringo, it's door. Fuck. That motorcycles for you. Oh, shit, right motorcycle, right.

And so she's like, I'll do, don't you go out there. I know how it'll get violent. If you go out there, I'll talk him down. She's like, but he's too tough. And she's like, no, I'll handle it and a flashback Right because they knew they had to leave on a cliffhanger. I guess that's what they thought they had done right there All right, so then it's I guess in the middle of the night Mr. Stiff knows sterling Wake them up and says all right. We're gonna sit you out on early morning Mexican patrol. Yeah, and this is this is the best worst I'm talking about right here. He's literally being like, yep, go out and you know,

check my border wall that I've made and capture. Alive dead, what a capture Mexican people is what I'm asking you to do right now. I was like, check the fucking Mexican traps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, Simon is the supposed to be Christian. So he's like, um, I'll, you know, guard the fence and be a vigilante ice agent, but

I won't quite murder Mexican people for you. I'm the good guy. That's what I'm doing here. Kill people. Yep. Yep. And the fucking into his credit, the rancher just looks at him and goes, well, that's not what I was asking you to fucking do, man.

I'm quite disturbed that that's right where you went. You're in straight to that. No, it's fine. You don't have to kill him. I mean, you won't hit your bonus. I mean, we talked about the money for that. That's fine you don't have to kill them they i mean you won't hit your bonus i mean we talked about it uh... better for me actually you know just a

president patriotic yeah i had to be clear when he says i won't kill anybody that does not mean i won't shoot anybody right but moral landscape are they navigating in the pureflix audience where this scene was necessary in scene?

He literally, he's like, bring him in alive. And I was just like, I can't make jokes. I can't make jokes. I literally, I can't work with my stress. I know. And then he says, the rancher guy says, I don't want the attorney general knocking on my door. And I was thinking

to myself at this point, this is Texas Ken Paxton, which job with a fucking metal of honor for you. So yeah, it's a non-sequitor. No shit. All right. So Simon and the ginger kid, the son, they go, they set out at sunrise, looking for Mexicans. And this is an amazing scene. The ginger kid turns to Simon and says, so, you ever killed a man? Which is a weird starter, right? That's a weird icebreaker. It's a weird start. Really wanted Simon to pause for a super long time and be like, no. If you want to tell your killing, if you want to tell your killing, people's story, just tell your killing, people's story. Don't ask like you have a question if you're not interested.

No pretend you want to hear my killing people's story. Well, that's almost what happens though. Yes. So I mean, he's like, you ever kill a one and we get a giant pause. But then we go back to the kid and he's just like, wow, so definitely. Yes. Yeah, right. You're pleading the fifth over there.

Okay. So yeah, but then the ginger kid talks Yeah, right. I'm pleading the fifth over there. Okay. So yeah, but then the ginger kid talks about the first time he ever done kill the Mexican, right? Or almost, right? Well, I don't know. They never resolve whether or not this is the, this is either the story of the first time he killed a Mexican or a story about that time

that nothing happened. And this is like, this story is like a not racist and a racist got to write every other word of this kid's flashback. And then the racist had final cut and did the edit. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Because the story isn't correct me if I'm wrong here. Him and his father come across three men who are so desperate and starving that they're eating a rabbit with the fur on. Yeah. And then those desperate starving refugees in the middle of the desert attack them with a machete. Yes. Yes. That's what happens. And yeah, you're correct to identify that this is like a very sad refugee situation that

they're describing. But the tone of the story being told is like, yeah, so me and my vigilante, I see more patrol. We see some Mexicans almost starving. They got like one rabbit. This is a classic story. This is a classic story. And nowhere.

It's fucking starving Mexicans. Try one beat not my dad out of nowhere. One of them had a machete. Uh, pretty sure it was Danny Trail actually. I actually, I was attacked by Danny Trail. I'm pretty sure the Hollywood actor. By the way, he describes the gentleman who comes at him with a machete as quote, total loco like, yes.

Yep. Those are the exact words you don't not chain now. And then he says at one point in this conversation, he's like, yeah, you, those are the exact words. You don't know that chain now. And then he says at one point in this conversation, he's like, yeah, you know, the guys coming at me with a machete. So I started shooting it to ground to scare him off, right? You know, like a raccoon. Yes, like, you know, like a good guy does. I try to calm him down by firing my gun.

Yes, right. Yeah, it's been a dick about that. And he keeps trying to attack me. I don't know what happened. This is, it's a cultural difference. I'm not saying one is better, but one is better. Yeah, my fucker didn't even dance. And then he goes, he says it when he goes,

my dad, now I'll be honest, my dad done told me before not to shoot Mexicans. Like, weird that he would specify a nationality. Well he said, don't shoot Mexicans unless you have to. Yeah, right. Exactly. You're normal. Normal conversation. By the way, he does make that worse, by the way, because he's like, I'm shooting the ground near him, but he keeps coming for me. And I swear to God, the character goes, you know, now that I think about it, he might not have spoken English. So I was just shooting a gun at him. That's why he kept coming for me, because I was armed and shooting at him.

I started doing, you know, Morse code with the gun shots, but he didn't understand that either. He was. I don't know Mexican sign language. I don't know. And then in the most self-aware moment this TV show will have, he stops and goes, you want to know the ending of my story or are you also bored by this? And Simon doesn't want to know.

No, he's like, no, man, I really don't care how this resolves. And he's like, all right, all right, well, stop telling us. Is the end of the story you're still here hunting Mexicans. Yes. Okay. Cool. And I'm part of that story now. We all know how it ends. Great. So shut the fuck up. And then I asked you, have you ever killed anybody and you paused for a really long time?

And then I started to say, yeah. Also, Well, the way part of the end of this story that he does tell, he's like, yeah, so my dad complimented my trigger discipline later that day. And then he might as well turn to camera and just be like, that's right. I had good trigger discipline while stunton Mexican people. You're welcome, Mexico. Yeah, very important to have good triggers. discipline whilst hunting Mexican people, you're welcome, Mexico. Yeah, very important to have good triggers when you hunt Mexicans.

Yeah, there's another weird addition on this where he like he tries to humanize it a little and says, and weird as thing is the whole time I was thinking of myself gross, I wouldn't want to eat rabbit. I was thinking about, you know, what kind of sauce would work for that rabbit? Is that weird? No, it's not. You know, what kind of sauce would work for that rabbit? Is that weird? No, it's not. All right, so then out of nowhere, we randomly jump back into that flashback from earlier.

Like they get sucked through it. So when we last left off, she was going to the door to talk to Ringo, right, to talk him down. Uh, now Noah and he, you're going to have to help me with what happened in this scene because the character of Ringo, the actor plays him. His eyebrows are drawn on in Sharpie marker. So I was literally physically unable to see or hear anything else for 24 straight hours. I browse were like fucking Kathulu aggressive aggressive. Browse.

Yeah. All right. So let me tell you guys something amazing about the scary dark. Okay. This actor. His name isn't exactly Jordan Dragon King, but it isn't exactly not Jordan Dragon King either. This actor's name, according to IMDP, is Maverick Von Hogg. What? That's the question. Like both Maverick and Hogg misspelled obviously. I have six dollars. Keith, you have six dollars.

Can we get a Maverick Von Hogg Jordan Dragon King? Buddy, what are you going? Will you get them both on a fucking, uh, we can get them both on a holding contract for the next decade. We can sign them to a fucking 14 movie MCU Sebastian stand contract. We're six bucks. We could probably do some really good porn with them too. Yes.

I agree. A couple of attractive men. And Ringo's message here, right? It's the threatening like, if you see him, let me know. But he's like Simon has something of ours. And I just wanted him to be like, it's a big bag of meth. So if you see it, just toss it in the lost and found again, big bag of meth. You know what?

Big is probably hard for you to sort of joke about this. You know what? If drop any bags of meth, he come across down at the bar. We'll just, we'd appreciate it. Oh, and I'm sorry, which bar should he drop it off? Well, why the bar on the corner of fifth street? And what? Like I said, there's only one bar on fifth street.

Why did you say corner at all? How could you people not know how corners work? Yeah, and don't lie, this town doesn't have five or more streets. They start counting at three to make it seem like a fancy town. Should have named the first one Broadway, we really blew our load. We call it next one zero. If we looked dumb, we just wanted the numbers to get higher. Shit.

So, okay, so the bad guy leaves, you know, he's fooled. The girlfriend just fools him into thinking the dude's not here. It's so amazing, right? They build it up with a multiple flashbacks and basically he just comes to the door and says, is, is does her home and she goes, no. Oh, okay, come on. Yeah. First, she's like, well, am I dozer's girl?

Because that's the question he asks immediately. Oh, right, right. And she's like, well, I'm not owned. You misogynist Simon is all about the Bible now. So he's a fem, nevermind. Nevermind. He's not here. He's not here, asshole.

And this biker gang sergeant at arms named what the fuck's the actor's name tell me what we're talking about. Maverick Von Hogg. I just want to hear somebody say that again. Maverick Von Hogg. The biker gang guy is like, all right, lady, you promise you're telling the truth. So you came here to Simon's house. He's gone. and you just decided to hang out by yourself. That was happening. He's like, yes. Okay, bye.

Yeah. All right. If you find that myth, bring it over. Are we, Mr. Buddies? Let's, let's, let's connect because I don't, I don't want this to be a one time thing. I like, I have a,

I'm gonna make up tutorial. YouTube channel. I don't know if to be a one time thing. I like. I have a make up tutorial YouTube channel. I don't know if you're telling my brothers. You can, you can follow my insta if you want. I don't know. You want to my space it. So he leaves and now Simon and to check our sitting around and he's going like, well, you know, that's almost the end of the flashback.

I need to leave and she's like, right, right. No, I get that. And he says, here, have some money. And he reaches into this giant bag of stacks of dollar bills and hands her one of those stacks. Are you cheap bastard? It's like splitting a meal with heath. I want you to have something.

I cut you shoes, fucking. No, there's no cutting or choosing. I just get the food I want and you get the food you want. What are you talking about? That's what ordering is, everybody. All right, but she doesn't want his dirty, biker money, apparently, right? And that's the end of the flashback again. We just just, just, just out there.

We about to get yanked back to the president. Yeah. All right. So so now we cut back to the ginger kid taking Simon up to the hill upon which the bones of his ancestors are cast. So yeah. This is where we spread the ashes of everyone in my family who dies. That's the tour reason for that. Yeah. So yeah, but so but as they're heading up as hill, they see a bunch of Mexicans just Mexican around on their property. And these guesses are so fucking amazing. They're like coyotes, truck smugglers, Mariachi band. That is the end of list of Mexican occupations. It's time to be one of those three. No. And this is where Simon is like, Hey, you see, you see down there? Do you know that guy to the sun? And the sun's like, what do you talk? Yeah, that's, that's Steve. He likes

the drive is truck in the middle of nowhere and stand on. No, I don't know that guy. What are you talking about? Yeah. Pulling a gun. No, yeah, he works here. He's our, he's our stand on the fucking pickup truck with a rifle guy. But yeah, and they're like, oh, these guys must be looking for something because there's like five or six Mexican guys all just walking around like kicking bushes and shit.

And some it's like, all right, be cool be cool be cool try to blend in like me a giant gnome just very She's got a forum self-doubt behind this fucking rock. It's it takes like 14 minutes It's like him back and out of that driveway at the beginning Yeah, and he turns to Simon. He, what will they do if they find her? And I wrote my notes, what do you think, man? They're going to induct her into thrive. What do you think? No.

Okay, so they're looking for this girl. And the girl thing is amazing because the kids is, what are they looking for? You think? And Simon puts some binoculars to his eyes and immediately sees this girl. Right? He's like, oh, must be that girl who's very obviously right there. And Simon's looking with his binoculars. He says, where is she? He says, and I quote, you'll see her outside that bush over there with the bush on the corner of fifth street. What the fuck are you talking about? It's all

bushes, which you wouldn't be inside. What, anyway, okay. But yeah, also question about this moment. Was she taking a shit? The lady. She was certainly in taking a shit position. Yeah. She was. She's very taking a shit post. Okay. That's just a weird detail to have. I don't know why they would have that built in and they don't like confirm or disagree. Anyway, I mean, she has pants on. So probably not. Oh, look at you, Mr. Jeji. Well, actually, there's a hole in her pants later. We do see that. So yeah, okay, never mind. She does. Yeah. So yeah, no, but either she's taking a shit or her plan was just a squat next to that Bush for a really long time and not breathe very loud. Well, this actress is whole performance is fantastic because she's playing a little girl

But she's 35. Mm-hmm. It's very strange Yeah, so the ginger kid decides he's got a helper, right? And one way of helping her would be for the two of them to just drive up to this spot that's on their property and say, hey, what you guys doing there? This is private property. You know that, right? I'm afraid you're going to have to leave. But the other way would be for Simon to randomly shoot at them. Well, he goes down and rescue, sir. And this actor pantomiming the kickback of a rifle is my everything.

I have turned it into a gift and it is my screensaver. It is the background of my phone. You ever get a high five from a little kid and go like, oh, you're so strong. That's what he's doing. strong. That's what he's doing to the gun. He's like providing cover right by just again, randomly firing it, human beings, and they'd have no fucking idea what these guys are doing, right? Yeah, with no discussion. That's what the sun decides. He's like, yep, all right, cover me with the sniper rifle. I'm going to go rescue the lady taking a shit. Bye. And Simon's just like, fuck.

I'm, oh, I always end up sniping Mexican cartel soldiers all the time. I've time for a conversation in my nomadic life. This is, it's a lot of my nomadic life in Texas. This keeps happening. So he's firing on the Mexicans. The bullets by the way Are not hitting anywhere near where he's aiming. There's just this amazing like he'll fire a bullet hit to the left the fucking Squibble be to the right. He might as well fire in the air hit himself in the foot, but eventually the ginger guy makes it to the Mexican lady Taking a shit and he's like, come on, we gotta go

Just finish finish your shit, but then be very quiet. Quiet. My, my family runs the vigilante. He's a grunt hunter squad around here. I'm here to help though in case it wasn't clear. Yeah. You're lucky. I was here hunting you. Yeah, right. So they leave, right? They get on their golf cart and hall ass. And then we have this amazing fucking scene where I guess the head of the bad guy gang is sniffing Simon's shell casings like they were panties. Yeah. And he is so Mexican.

He's Asian. The fact of really, really, really villainous. Yeah, the Japanese man who's the leader of this Mexican cartel. Yeah. And he's what, what information is gained from smelling the empty bullet shells in your opinion? I was 90% sure he was getting their scent like a bloodhound. Oh, man, if you had just been like, oh, he started running down the road. The other Mexican guys are following him. It smells like freedom. I bet they're in Texas.

So that way. All right, well, now we have good guys and bad guys and the damsel in distress. It's like a full blown plot or something. So quick, before that all starts breaking down in the very next scene, we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give AXT through the hard sell. Will we ever explore why Simon wears leather gloves everywhere he goes? Shouldn't that Mexican girls hair at least be messy?

How did this production company run out of Mexicans so early? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the expeditious conclusion of... Sons of Thunder Episode 1 Guys, guys, it finally happened! It finally happened! Eli, for the last time you have got to stop talking about your bathroom stuff while the mics are on.

No, no, not that. Also, that didn't happen. Adam and Eve. What's Adam and Eve? Heath, it's an online adult star. And after all my letters and tweets and that one unfortunate in person visit to their HQ, they're finally sponsoring God Awful Movies. Yeah, we apologize again for that visit by the way.

I feel like the legal settlement was apology enough. So I feel like we can... Okay, well, that sounds like a great fit for our audience, but what's in it for them? Well, you can go to Adamineave.com and select almost any one item for 50% off with code awful. Almost anything? Almost anything.

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Awful at Checkout at Adamineave.com. Adamineave.com, the best financial choice they've ever made was sponsoring our show. Still wish you hadn't done that thing at their office. It was meant to be a gift. Well, it was not clearly not. Well, obviously buying them. Sorry, boss.

I feel like you would have a Hispanic accent. You're not the sketch. You're not. You're not. Yes. Sorry. Yes. Sorry. Yeah.

Boss, did you just sniff the bullet casing? Sniff it? Yeah. Yes. Why? He bullets are fresh. I mean, I know. He was literally just shooting at us like seconds ago.

Right. But why? ago. Right. But why? Right. Okay, so just you like, you like the smell or? You know what, I don't really feel like that's anyone's business, right? Okay, okay. Whatever you say boss. And bang up some of those bullets to go and we'll catch those gringos.

Uh, is that all right? Did you say to go? Just do it. Okay. Okay. And we're back for yet more of this shit. Sorry, did you say to go just do it? Okay, okay And we're back for yet more of this shit and we're gonna open back up on Simon and I guess ginger I'll call him hauling ass back to the ranch to show rancher dad the lady they found Dad dad we found a Mexican lady. Can we keep her can we can we can we go home?

I'll take her for walks and everything. So they show up and the dad's like, what the fuck are y'all doing with this Mexican lady? And that very instance, the pickup truck shows up right behind them. Like it is comically on their ass. He might as well say, hey, who are your friends? Yeah. Right moment they come in. Right. Yeah. And by the way, they show up so quickly at Fox this scene all the way up, right? Like the scene needed them to give them another eight or nine seconds because basically the Mexican cartel guys are standing right next to him when they say we should hide in the garage before they get here.

Yeah. Right. It needs to be like, okay, the guys are coming. Everybody into the Mexico bunker. Yeah, we have. Yeah, every tax in has dedicated Mexican bunker. First, you know, invites with Mexican marauders. You just gotta be ready. I'm gonna show up. You gotta have a place they might as well walk in going the garage is based. Garage is based. Well, the guys a guy's are all there being like, what you guys want to get into here?

You want to go into your bunker? It's proud you want it says Mexico bunker on it. All right. I'm going to give you all to the count of five, but that's the only head start. Y'all get. So yeah, so they they run into the garage and now like the Mexican lady, she has to explain what she's doing there, but she has to say every sentence first in Spanish than English. And again, you know, it's because of the pure Flix audience, right?

They like, I'm sure there was a version of this episode where they tried subtitles and they were like, I'm sorry, what kind of lightning speed reader do you think I am? That I can look at a TV and then look down at the, but first of all, that's where I keep all my bowling trophy. So I can't even see those words to put down there. Second of all, you need to keep those words up there for 10, 20, 45 minutes. If you want me to follow along, they do try close captioning here, though. The pureflix people put it in, but all they wrote was speaking in foreign language. Are you serious?

They didn't even know it was Spanish. Enough to make Spanish. She speak its barter words. Yep. Speaking Mexican. So we get like her just being like Spanish, Spanish, Spanish cartel. So they they come after me cartel. It's so dumb. Yeah. And and the the boss guy, the, the dad is like, yeah, cool story. Why didn't you go to the police then or like John Rambo or something

like that? What the fuck? And he's, he's for most of this scene, like suspicious of this refugee. He's like, considering like like maybe she might be the bad guy, maybe we're getting fooled here. She comes in and the ranchers immediate response to her being attacked by men in a truck is, what did you do? Yeah, well, and then once she explains that it's a drug cartel and that they own the cops so that she's running for her life,

he's like, all right, so we just give you to them and we'll be fine. Okay, all life. He's like, all right, so we just give you to them and we'll be fine. Okay. All right. I'm solved right there. But Simon can't do that. He's going to go out and talk them down. The dad goes, don't be foolish.

And he says, is it foolish if God's on my side? And the dad goes, that is what's the opposite of subtracting from the foolishness. It does that. I wanted so badly at this moment, right after Simon's like, it's not dumb if Jesus is on my side, blam, you're shot right in the half. Oh, that's again, you wrote it down. So therefore that's what's going to fucking happen. I swear, and yep, that it's not you can't make a joke.

And one of these conditions. Yeah, exactly. Literally I write like, please get shot immediately. That'd be so funny if he gets shot immediately. He walks outside and goes up to the leader guy of the cartel and is like, what can I do to fix this? Nothing. I'm killing you now, Blam. And that's what happened.

He shoots him in the chest. The dude falls down and all of us wrote in our notes. Okay, if he just dies now, I love this show. I'm in for a full season. I would single handedly fund all the future seasons. We're already in for all future seasons. Yeah. We already got Jordan Dragon King and agave. Guatemala. Whatever the fun. What? Oh my God. They're all like super punch out characters. It's amazing. Also, when he got shot, we all rooted simultaneously for pocket Bible. We all have some version of, please be saved by pocket Bible.

Please be saved by pocket Bible. Right. But he falls down, shot in the chest. So rancher dad, now I guess, is on the Mexican lady's side. So he jumps out and shoots a couple of people. But then the main bad guy shoots him in the head. But don't worry though, because apparently right as he gets shot in the head, Jesus brings Simon back to life. Right. Look, this guy just got shot in the chest. We never, he never pulls out a Bible with a bullet into it or anything. He just gets up because he

know bullet to the heart, gonna stop Simon. Yep. So he just stands up and kicks everybody's ass. He does. He stands up eventually. Yeah, right. And then he does, he's a former semi professional wrestler, by the way, this actor. I understand. I am shocked. And so he goes for the like slow motion choke slam here as his moot. The everything he does, it's like he's underwater. Everything that happens with this guy is underwater. Yes. And then he goes

for the choke slam, but he's like, okay, do you know what? I, uh, would you like to lay down? Can we just, I'll do a punch or a, I'm doing a punch cut. Great. And by the way, most filmmakers have the sense, if they've got an extra character in the middle of a situation like that They have a sense to like have him get knocked out or something for a minute But the entire time this is all going on when his dad gets shot when Simon gets shot all of this other stuff The ginger kid is standing off to the side with a rifle doing absolutely nothing to hell He is practicing amazing trigger discipline. He might as well be texting.

Yeah, right, right. Exactly. He might as well be like, oh, I'm InstaBuddies with that girl now. Nice. Nice. I should just send like, hey, winky face, right? Oh, you guys got shot. Mo, all right. Okay, then what I miss. And like, hey, winky face, right? Oh, you guys got shot. All right. All right.

Okay, then, what I miss. And then, all right. So, so they've taken it all, the bad guys apparently, between that one punch and dad shooting two of them, all five of them are gone. So dad's laying on the ground, we assume dying, but no, that he, that gunshot to the head didn't really do much damage to him because of his nose is so stiff, it just bounces right off, apparently. The blogger.

And then in one of the most confusing and disorienting cuts in the history of God awful movies, and I'm counting Nollywood shit when I say that. We find ourselves in the exact same location at the same basic time of day and dad who was just playing on the ground dying with fucking knocking on heaven's door playing is sitting on the back of a truck talking to a sheriff that wasn't there. No, it is, it is a shot to shot transition, right? It's like when, when an actor picks up a book and then turns around and is holding the book, except this actor was lying on the ground dying and now he is calmly explaining the situation

to a sheriff we have never met. Yeah, this might as well be like a second of snow and static, just like, oh, hello, we're still here. Like that would have made it less confusing. Allow me to explain, which of course leads me to my best worst and the best best, which is that we learn. This sheriff is here because they have called the sheriff on the Mexican girl. They rescue. Well, she was an illegal immigrant, Eli, illegal. Hello. Yeah. They literally called ice on her now. And

but then they try to pretend like they did this compassionately or something. Yes. Just before you go, I want what's ice going to do? Like, what do you guys do with her now? And they're like, Oh, no, no, she's totes going to get asylum. It's a super easy process. You just get nothing ever goes wrong. They wrote into their script, but she has to be patient. Yes, because the viewpoint of this audience that they needed to cater to is, you know, most Mexican asylum seekers, they're just too darn impatient. Yep, they're just like, yeah, I don't want to wait 30 days for my asylum I might get killed by MS 13. Where am I right? Yeah, right? Jesus all right, so but okay, someone explained to me what the dad is fucking talking about here, right? Because he comes up to where he says I I think I wanna be your American daddy.

What's going on here? I have no idea. No possible idea. First of all, she's like, thank you for saving me. And I wanted her so bad to be like, not gonna lie, it was weird when you called the cops on me. Right after. Like you just saw the people hunting me down to murder me. You cared all of

them. And then and then you call the cops on me. It seems so weird. And by the way, I don't think we can be clear enough about the fact that Simon and dad are both completely over their bullet wounds. Now, like, yep, totally fine. That evening. And apparently also, like, they adopt her. I don't understand this moment. Yeah, what was the point? Because he asks, like, uh, how's, is your father a good father, I guess?

And I loved actually, before your father a good father, I guess? And I loved actually before he even asked for anything. He asked the ice agent. He's like, all right, I know you, like we put, we called you to take her away. Can I talk to her? No, I thought of something just now one more thing and the guys like, all right, I,

certainly in the truck. Can we find, all right, we're gonna take her back out of the truck so you can do it a little speech fine. Fine. And he asked her like, is your Mexican father any good? And she's like, no, he's broken. Well, that's what I figured. I figured you would say he's broken. I'm your white father now. You are set for life. Quick.

End of story. So yeah, so he wants to know that since her dad's just a poor Mexican, you are set for life. And the story. So yeah, he wants to know that since her dad's just a poor Mexican, he can be your American dad and everything will be fine. So he walks away. We see it by the way, at this point that there is some blood on his ears. So he did take some damage from that bullet to the head from eight fucking inches away. You know, he's like completely unharmed.

Got me right in the loob. Yeah. And then he calls the son over. He's like, Hey, son, come here for just a second. I know I told you we shouldn't save Mexicans, but it turns out that once in a while, if it's a lady, that's okay. I've now had a moral arc. I believe my character's done now, right? Now get the fuck back to work. He totally does. I think that was clear what I was saying, Rudyard Kipling, great stuff. Go fucking hay the cows. And then we clumsily cut back into that flashback. And I have to say, why the fuck wasn't this where that clumsy ass transition was right? We could have left dad laying on the ground bleed now put a little suspense there gone and finished

this and then come back for it, but the dumbass is making this fucking movie didn't think of that. So now we're gonna end to that flashback which by the way ends with nothing happening. Yeah, she just the background extra from saved by the bell to electric blue, was like, you know, you believe in Jesus, but you don't believe in Jesus. You have, you have 30 days to find Jesus that I'm getting back on Tinder. That's what's happening.

Like, she's trying to say like, you know, faith in God doesn't mean becoming an idiot, nomad, gunfighter, biker, whatever, odd job, fucking thing you've decided you're going to do. And he's like, yeah, hate to argue with you, babe, during the big morality moment, but yes, it does. That is what makes this show, it makes sense. We don't have anything else about that. You're being bitch. I didn't have any gamma. Say about a bell to electric boogaloo was stupid.

So. All right. So now we go back into the present moment. It would basically we cut back into that flashback just long enough for her to tell him that she will fuck other dudes eventually. And then we got back into the present moment where he's saddling up his steed ready to head out on more adventures. I love this moment that the sun runs up to his. Here you go. Here's your pay dad decided to give you a little extra and he goes, I don't need it. Why don't you donate that extra money to that Mexican ladies?

It turns. Aw. donate that extra money to that Mexican ladies attorneys. Oh, yeah, use this extra like $50 to get her some amazing immigration attorneys. Yeah, I'll do it. Right. Well, I love so much too. Once again, just they don't understand how demonic they are in this moment where they've you know, where they're highlighting the fact that like, yeah, sure, she can claim a silent, but she's going to have to pay for it. We're sending her to a concentration camp with some fold in money to go to the PX, get

sandals. Maybe, I don't know, whatever you like, candy. Yeah. So he's about to leave. Maybe a silver blanket. And so he goes to leave, Simon goes to leave. And the rancher dad turns to him and gives him this whole, you know, I've learned something here today speech

that ends in the widest pronunciation of me, Kasa Sukasa that not only has ever occurred, but can have a record. Okay. He pronounces that sentence like me trying to spell missile casing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, the cossas I want you to have them. And and then we close on a beautiful also nonsense title drop to close it here like oh yeah. I love that he says again to like repeat himself. He's like so yeah well I go and say him before God's plan pretty much never make sense in my life so far. I don't end of thought. I'm a son of thunder. I am a son of Thunder. Doesn't

mean nothing. If you see thunder telling me, oh, it's my child. We technically don't owe AMC any money for this. It's thunder. It's different. It's a title you can't. We are about anarchy. But all right. Well, I'm going to go ahead and say it. This show has potential. It's not quite there, but it has potential and we need more episodes for job security reasons and shit. So let's fix it to make this show work. What talking animal or anthropomorphized object is fucking ZZ slop need for a sidekick. Uh, uh, uh, talking some braero. It was a people come on.

Okay. I was going to suggest something, but I definitely switched my vote preemptively to talking some braero. Talking some braero. Thank you. I mean, just like an anthropomorphized his faith somehow built into a thing, but no, okay. Maybe I think the, I think that I think we have the same answer actually. It's talking some brah. Okay.

I just say there isn't a powerful book of the Bible where there's a giant talking crucifix. So I thought maybe that or how about this? How about like a single diabetes, right? Think of hang out with a little like it's on a shoulder or something. All right, well that's gonna do. Will Ferb Bremley's floating head. Yeah. His own foot.

He's the voice of the talking sombrero. He's in the sombrero. He talks in the sombrero. Oh yeah. Will Ferb Bremley's face. Well maybe just his mustache. Right, the Sombrero definitely has to have a mustache. Stop it, I have to pee again

Fuck David a. R. White call us I guess Who will for Brimley's foot? It's missing there we go all right. Well, that's gonna do it for our review of Sunsets under episode one But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to add more straws apparently so Eli tell us What's on deck? Well Noah you're off next week. So Heath and I will be watching prayer of the roller boys, which is a Christian movie. It is. Well, because it has prayer in the title.

Because it has prayer in the title. It has a lot of awesome stuff. It's about an apocalypse, culty gang. Oh, very, very crazy. Very, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up, so do 39 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon Dodgers that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God off. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show,

be sure to check out our siblings shows the scaling and the excitation needed to schedule content and D&D minus available wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can go on God off and we'll use the gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.A.D.R. Tourist Tim Robbins to take scare of our social media, our theme

song is written and performed by a lot of negative people, traps on Mars, although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check here live this week for Heathenright and Eli Bosley, com, no illusions, problems to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. I am also a son of thunder, but my story has nothing about hunting human beings, so those aren't related. Simon's motorcycle went on to be surgically removed from his ass at some point. One, the talking sombrero, would go on to sacrifice his life for Simon in the season finale.

QC's you again. QC you again! You guys don't get it. Vin Diesel loved Paul Walker. Love him. You shouldn't sing it though. You radically vulnerable with you guys I forgot that we did that you guys didn't join in on three and I was feeling really self-conscious by the time I got before I don't know why I was just expecting you guys to jump in on three and I was like why are you guys fucking

Fuck you guys fucking? So that's a bitch. Oh, day. Fuck you guys. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.