God Awful Movies - 243: The Adventures of Chris Fable

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

On this week’s episode: Eli, Noah, and Heath team up with special guest masochist Caitlin Durante for a review of The Adventures of Chris Fable. --------------------- You can find Caitlin Durante on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/caitlindurante Check out Caitlin's podcast The Bechdel Cast here: https://twitter.com/BechdelCast --------------------- Get great deals while supporting the show by checking out our sponsors: https://boxofawesome.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://adamandeve.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://mejuri.com/awful https://forhims.com/gam --------------------- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So he comes to a fork in the road and he's like, hmm, I don't know, I'll take this path. And just when he decides on which path to take, a dude in a wooden bird cage tells him that's not the right path. This character is a vicious attack on Heath and Riiiight. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So here's the great thing about this goddamn scene. Welcome back to the Gamecast. We're each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we want to feel what it's like to be essential. I'm your host Noah Luzzins and sitting a socially responsible 700 miles to my immediate leftist my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know what's stupid?

What's stupid intelligence. Don't think about it. I don't think I have seen a whole movie that reinforces that point. We'll talk about it later. We've seen a lot of movies. But I know that's true. Yes, it. Yep.

Exactly. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnicki. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Pretty good. No, you know who's disposable women? Interchangeable. Yep. Yeah, you're just gonna get right into it. Yeah. Who? All right. And speaking of which, well, no, no, that doesn't work very well. Not a great intro. I never mind. Never mind. I'm here to argue with you.

doesn't work very well at all. Not a great intro. You know what? Never mind. Never mind on that. Here to argue with you, guys. We also have a special guest massacres today. Caitlin Dronde is a standup comedian, a writer and the co-host of the Bechtel cast. Caitlin, welcome to God awful movies.

Thank you so much for having me. I am delighted to be here. Like I said before, we started recording. Usually we only get that before people watch the movie. So it's so nice to hear that now. So if you could for for our listeners who haven't heard your stuff before, can you give them an idea of what your podcast is about and what inspired it? Sure. So it's called the Bechtel cast.

And as the name might imply, it's inspired by the Bechtel test. And for anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a kind of media metric that requires that two female characters in a movie have to speak to each other about something other than a man. And ideally, we know what those characters' names are. So, okay. I'd never heard that last edition, but yeah, that's the name one. That's an amazing that they had to add that to be like, yeah, also, come on. Right. Well, it's already such a low bar. And then they're like, that's the name one is that's an amazing that they had to add that to be like, yeah, also come on Names, please it's already such a low bar and then they're like there's like a caveat where it's like oh It's helpful if we know the characters names because sometimes like a movie might pass the Bechtel tests when like the one female Character who's like has any importance to the narrative talks to like a waitress at a restaurant for seven

seconds. Right. Right. I mean, technically two girls looking at another one and saying, look at her, but that passed the back. Right. You got to. Yeah.

You got to. So, so we use that test just kind of as a way to jump a jumping off point to examine just the treatment and representation of women in movies because, you know, as a student of film, as a fan of film, I started noticing more and more that, you know, men be making movies and men be not including women in those movies. And when they do decide to include women sometimes, men be not respecting those women in their movies. Generally speaking, hate to sprained you on the end'm the editor of the whole joke. That's all joke, everybody. Please.

But yeah, women don't negotiate as hard to make move. That's all you do. All right. We're jokes. This is all jokes. Yeah. So no wait, I want to, I want to follow up on that. And we've got a lot of bad movie to get to.

So I don't want it to realist too much, but I, but I've got to ask Heath Eli, what's the last movie that you saw that wasn't directed by a woman that passed the backdeltest? Can either of you recall? No idea. Cats. All right, wait, I think, I think you're right. It's actually fucking cats.

Yeah. Oh, it's, but I don't know. But I don't know. Cats count as passing the backdeltest. I think so. They are like person of their human like, yeah. But I'm cats count as passing the backdelt test. I think so. They are like personified. They're human like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I knew their names. Yeah. We knew a couple of names. I was going to, here's, here's my honest answer. Iron man three. There's a scene in Iron Man three where Pepper Pot talks to the bad guy lady and then, and

they're not talking about Tony Stark. And I was, I remember watching the movie going, hey, you didn't know bad guy lady and then and they're not talking about Tony Stark and I was I remember watching the movie and going, Hey, you didn't know bad guy ladies name just now. And I knew it well in the movie like as a movie viewer. She's a named character. Yeah. All right. So I imagine you might have a more recent answer than I do. Caitlin was the last to like major Hollywood movie that you saw that wasn't directed by a woman that passed. Oh, well, my first answer was gonna be, well, was Portrait of a Lady on Fire, I have to imagine that was directed by a woman and I'm actually embarrassed that I don't know that.

Oh, I have no idea. Cause that movie passes the back to testing like every scene, much like the adventures of Chris Fable, just kidding. And... But I don't know, I, I, I don't remember the time before the quarantine. So I honestly have no idea. Oh, right, right. Okay. No, that's fair. All right. So he, we've already hinted around a little bit. Tell us officially, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the adventures of Chris Fable.

It's the story of a Chris figure guided by his faith, his friend, faith, whose name is faith. And he tries to overcome the influence of an evil prince of dark and he tries to overcome the influence of an evil prince of dark darkitude and find the celestial city a real municipality that may or may not represent something else. You can't find out. It's like they were trying to avoid a copyright strike on YouTube with this thing. You can have the Bible, guys. It's all really you're good. Yeah, the Bible's in public domain, right? Pretty sure sure sure you can just quote straight from that fucker. I hope so we have a whole segment on our other show

And Eli how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the pilgrim's progress, but sitting backwards on a chair and reading it doesn't seem to be doing the trick with reaching these keys. You will love this movie. It's a Christian youth pastor doing 10-year-old slang, the movie. Yeah. It's terrifying what they think is attractive to kids in this. We're going to get to a whole segment of that. My god damn nightmare. Oh my god. Yeah. You know what they like is bug guts. All right. So and Caitlin, I hate to make you like kind of one dimensional in the intro here, but how did this movie do vis-a-vis the Bechtel test passes in every

single scene? Now that I think I'm pretty sure it does not pass. There are scenes where there are more than two women on screen together. And if they do talk to each other, they, I think are talking about our hero, Chris Fable, but I don't even know if they even interact at any point, honestly. I think the only thing I can come up with is that hope and faith meet at one point at the end and say hi to each other with Chris introduces them. Right. Which like I would not want to count that as part of the breakfast. I'll say this.

More female characters in this movie die than our name. Yes. Wow. I think you might be right. All right, well, here's how weird my fucking job is when it comes to low budget modern day retellings of pilgrims progress using unprofessional actors and an over reliance on bad CGI,

this is the second worst one I've ever seen. Yes it is. That's the best thing. Yes it is. That's our life is. That's what it is. That's our life. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at?

Best worst fat pony. Yo! How dare you! How dare you, Ethan? Oh my God. This thick pony is fucking adorable. It's like, naeward fat. It's just like, runtin running and sweating and proudly shown off.

It's big, beautiful form. Best character in the movie. It's not even close. Hands down. Right? No, no, that was good. That was a solid one. I knew somebody was going to have that one.

Caitlin, you got any best worsts? Yeah, I would say best worst ancillary characters who appear in one scene and then never show up again. Oh, women. Women, well, then you also have some, you know, the traveling salesman. You've got the man in the cage. You've got the fat pony.

You've got the little park ranger child. The Oh god, I forgot about him. What's up with that? That's a real character. There's a child park rink. It makes nothing makes any sense at any moment. Well, so I wrote over and over my notes. I was like, wow, this made a lot more sense in pilgrim's progress, which means that

this movie makes even less sense than pilgrim's progress. Did I watch pilgrim's progress? I don't remember. No. That was I missed. Yeah, they all run together. I have no idea. Yeah, that's the one that we did with Thomas. I had to do the rhyming intro. It was a whole thing. So, okay, I know this is idiosyncratic because these are dynamically inserted, but I'm going with best worst YouTube ads. Guys, I got ads for the epic times. It's just weird ass crazy, pro Trump conspiracy theory newspaper started by a Chinese cult. It's the craziest fucking shit. I was so looking, but you could see the little thing. It'll tell you on the bottom where the ads are going to pop up. I got so

excited when I was getting close to them. They were bizarre. So that was fun. If you get a chance to check those out. Okay. All I got was the core Zads telling you to stay home. So you'd be in the middle of being like, we're about to go on a big adventure. We'll meet again my friends empty footage of a bar. Man, I wish this ad was over so I could get back to this Christian movie about how I'm going to die in the rapture. I was going to go with best worst temptations of the devil. Now look, we have seen a lot of temptations of the devil, Caitlin, you're on episode 243 of our podcast, not counting bonus episodes. I've seen a lot of devil temptations. I'm going to go ahead and say it. Neon 1980s video games,

laymest temptation of the devil. I got to be honest, I would have stopped at that thing. I would like that. No, I would at least go. I had gone in. I've gone into places like that. Yeah. I've been on some road trips. I mean, there's virtual reality surfing for crying out loud. Yeah. Fuck yeah, which is what I was going to be doing if I wasn't recording with you guys right now. Surfing in a lake of fire. Cool. All right. Well, tell you what, we're going to need to find a lot of new ways of saying. And then he puts one foot in front of the other when we're describing this movie so we're gonna pause for a quick the Saras break but when we come back we'll dive into all the plot full starts that are the adventures of Chris Fable. Alright everyone welcome to the first ever writers meeting for the adventures of Chris F. Now, as I'm sure many of you know, movies like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson have never

been a bigger threat to our kids. Yes, question. Sorry. Didn't those books come out years ago? I mean, yes, but the movies. They're just wrapping up now. Oh, okay. Right.

So, there's never been a more important time for us to present a Christian alternative. I mean, what's so great about those kids' books anyway? What do they have that we don't? Memorable characters. I'm engaging story, another one. Lessons and a moral compass that don't feel like they're based on Bronze Age ideology. Nope, nope, that's not it.

Special effects and shiny buns. And guess what? I got both of them. Turns out my nephew here is a real whiz with the CGI, aren't you, Tyler? Aren't you? Um, I have Adobe on my, on my pewter. You hear that? Uh, Adobe on his pewter, regular Bill Gates.

He's practically Jewish. Wait, what? Now, what say we ripped pewda regular Bill Gates, he's practically Jewish. Wait, what? Now, what's he, we ripped the cover off of Pilgrim's progress and let Tyler get to work, we'll be finished with his bad boy by lunch. I guess so. Alright, let's say Chipotle. Alright, see ya, Tyler. Wait, uh, guys, what do you want special effects to like, be?

What's the plot of the movie? Don't worry, Ken, I know y'all do great. Okay, but, you're gone. You're gone. And we're back and we're gonna open up on a sexy monk lady walking down a train track. Just, you know, nearer atin.

Okay, just to clarify how crazy this movie is, this lady we will learn is telling a story about a dream that she is in to a congregation we'll never see. And this is the beginning inner end cap of that. It's like she's doodly doing inside a beep. Confusing. You like just explained it and it still doesn't make sense to me. It makes less sense now that you've explained it, but yeah, thank you for that.

Yeah, she goes, as I walk through the wilderness of this world, and it's like, she's walking on train tracks, the wilderness is not even the wilderness of the train tracks. It's like, and by the way, let's stop to appreciate just how bad the effects have to be in a movie before you can fail it. Smoke was blowing around. They added that in post.

Also, by the way, she kept starting to plagiarize stuff. Yes. It was the best. She's like, I dreamed a dream in time gone, but nope. starting to play dry stuff. Yes. And it happens. Yes. It was the best. She's like, I dreamed a dream in time gone, but nope. Nope. I have dreamed that one day right there in Alabama, nope. Well, that's MLK.

I deferred suddenly. No, fuck shit. I dream of Jeannie. I did it. All right. So, yeah. So, she's going to tell us about the dream that Jeannie. All right. So yeah. So she's going to tell us about the dream that she dreamed. And as she says that we cut to a kid leaping

out of a trailer with the cop from Benny Hill chasing him. And the and the way, way, way overweight cameraman chasing both of the camera work done by motion sickness itself. Oh, it's like steady cam. More like steady. Can. Thank you. Thank you very much. Excellent. So we end up with this fucking shakie as seen. There's a chasing through waycrossed Georgia is what it is. It's through my life. You're my fucking hometown. And like, by the way, when I say

shaky, literally, there's just a dude with a camera in his hand running alongside these actors in full speed. And it goes on forever, right? So long. Well, they obviously promised to use this guy who gave them the background song, his entire song. So the chase is super repetitive while his 15th chorus makes it way through. By the way, that's gonna be a running theme in this movie. Just so you know. Pun.

So okay. But eventually the kid gets away from the cop after minutes upon minutes of chasing and he winds up in this church where he starts stealing these candle holders. Yeah, we're stealing more lay miz also. He's stealing candlesticks like Valchon. Yeah, but, but they can't even do it right because they're like, they're just wooden dollar store candles.

They're not like they're not, they're just wooden dollar store candles. They're not like, they're not expensive or anything. 100% those are from Hobby Lobby. One hundred percent. I bet you're right. You know, this is also the first time we get a look at this character's face, like a good look. And we know he's poor because they have smudged him. Yes, he's a fucking chimney sweet, but he does have braces. He has braces.

Were those apocalypse braces? What? Maybe it's like socialized orthodontia in the post-apocalypse. Yeah, I was going to say I really want to see the like Mad Max orthodontist who shows up with a flaming guitar just like, all right, you're going to need these for three and a half years. Yeah. All right. So he runs in the preacher lady from before shows up and she catches him. Now the cop that has been literally three inches away from him throughout this chase scene comes in. And he's like, I'm looking for a kid.

She's just sort of in general. Have you seen him? He's like, I'm looking for a thief who is the exact same age as this boy here in front of me. He looks exactly like this boy. He is that boy, but I can't seem to find him. Where is he? He just thinks this is a random kid wearing the exact same clothes as the person that he

was chasing. Also, there's lots of follow up questions about like they live in a desolate junk wasteland, but there's still an active police force. Like, they're a backstory event. So really weird universe we were in, but the lady lies. still an active police force like their backstory of that. So really weird universe we were in, but the, but the lady lies. She's like, no, he is my apprentice. He's been here all afternoon. You must have been chasing some other kid.

And the cops like, all right. Well, I guess I must have been chasing some other that these are not the droids I'm looking for. You're right. Any leads. I don't know if you guys have seen, don't Fuck With Cats, but this is how good cops are at solving crime. So yeah, I will be leaving. I will be leaving.

He goes, why did you do that? She says it's act one. And we had to have sort of a meat thing. And then we learn, as if this world wasn't already confusing enough, that this child doesn't know what a book is. Right. He picks up a book and he goes, so what are these things? How do these things work? He's like shaking it around. What's a boa? I love yeah. Everything else from this society has remained intact like in the world building of this movie. We've still got modern clothing, law enforcement, organized,

there's churches that cop is wearing sunglasses. The kid has braces, all this stuff. He's wearing a book bag, but I don't know what books are. Yeah. So she explains what what books are. He goes, oh, cool. She says, by the way, my name is Aptronum. What's yours? A fucking name is Evangeline. His name is Christian. Hello. Get used to this shit. I'm a Vangeline. Do you have a name that's not subtle? No. No. My name is Chris Fable. It's short for a Christian and we'll go and go and meet Hope and Faith soon also. Jesus.

I like to think that both these characters had the name Christian and so she had to fake it day of shooting. She was like, I am Christian and he was like, nope, I'm Christian. She was like, I am don't say Christian evangelical Christian. Fine. Well, 80 are something close to that. Yes. So yeah, so so they meet and she says, okay, you're my apprentice now. Come on back on Monday. And he's like, no, because I'm bad. I'm not I haven't turned good yet. It's still early in act one.

And he goes to run off now. He stole a bunch of books when her back was turned, right? He took a bunch of her books and he goes to run off. But now his backpack is filled with the books that he's just shoved in there. So the kid the actor can't run. And it's amazing. A tremendous amount of this movie will be defined by this kid supposed to be bearing the heavy load of the pilgrims progress, but the child actor not being able to run with everything on

his back and just being like, you know, it would literally hold you back a bag of Bible. Fuck this fucks up our thing. Yeah, right. Right. All right. So now he runs off to return his booty to fucking apocalypse, Fagan. A buckleps, Fagan.

One of my favorite characters. And let me just throw this out there. Tuxedo in the apocalypse, bold choice. I admire. Okay. Okay. Question. Uh, yeah, Fagan, Wanka, he's dressed like a ridiculous idiot.

What year is it in this movie? Because we saw like the cop was like a 1920s constable from London and now this we're fagons wearing wonka clothes, but people have like modern sunglasses and ski goggles for no reason. Nothing makes sense. What year is it? Yeah, the movie won't be sure. And to make it worse, the year the movie is made doesn't put any of those things in context. Nope. It's like a 2016 movie, right? Yeah. Yeah, I was relatively recent. Yeah. I would have thought it was from the 90s based on just watching the facts. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a lot. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Caitlin, one of the hallmarks of our show

is cell phones from a decade earlier than the movie was shot 2010. Yeah, right. No, okay, yeah. So we were, yeah, we were, we were prepared for this kind of shit. We're going to get some Skyping on Commodore 64s later. It's very confusing. Timeline wise, because set tapes will show up for no discernible reason. Yeah, because they're awesome. No, I'm okay. All right. Okay. But yeah.

So, but he's bringing his books back. He's like, Hey, Apocalypse Fag. And I got all these books. This preacher lady told me they were valuable. And he's like, that sucks. You suck. I hate you. Books are terrible.

And then they burn all the books. He doesn't know what books are either. Yeah. Well, why wouldn't he? Right? It's pretty sweet that they burn the books. He doesn't know what books are either. Yeah. Well, why wouldn't it, right? It's pretty sweet that they burned the books though. Like that's actually a great use of Bible's in the apocalypse is like fire barrels for sure. Well, they couldn't afford fire barrels on this shoot. They went with a CGI fire. Well, they weren't allowed to destroy those books. You see. Oh, I see. 100%. That's why they couldn't you. Yep. I could really good point. Yep. And then, okay, we cut to Chris's and correct me if I'm

wrong in the description here, Oriental opium love nest. Yep. That is an accurate description. Yes, it is. Okay. Yeah. And this is when his friend who we learn her name is Faith in a second, she walks into his Oriental love nest. And he's like, I wasn't masturbating with dozens of candles from old ones. You were, you, a lot of candles for the apais, using a lot of wax. He's gonna burn something if nothing else. Yeah. I wrote my, my first note for this scene is, hey, Chris, lot of open flames here in your tent, buddy.

Like a lot. Well, and also, okay, so we cut him. He's reading the Bible. Didn't know what a book was. A scene. And won't know how to read in the following, the scene that follows this, nope, but there's a little sliver of time where he somehow learns how to read and then unlearns how to read again. I guess. Yeah. Okay.

All right. So, but here's the thing. I'll admit this like when I was a kid, when I was his age, sometimes I just look at the book and imagine a little dude running across the top of the letters so that I was like my eyes were moving correctly. So I were reading. Maybe he's just doing that. I guess that's good.

He could be. All right. So yeah, but faith comes in and she's like, I like your books by the way. I think they're pretty sweet. And he's like, okay, cool. You can be my love interest. We're both smudgy, you know, equally smudgy. But hey, it means there's not one, but two ladies in the movie now.

It's getting more. That's crushing it. The representation of women. This is basically hurt locker. All right. All right. So then we get this goddamn weird ass fuck you dream sequence. Right? That, like the very next scene, it hey I like your Bible and he's like thanks

something I'll show you where I got it and she's like cool and then the very next scene there's an asteroid robot apocalypse happening. Oh and these robots are a fun game that you can play as you watch this movie is what 1992 video game did they steal this art asset from I just couldn't believe this movie had a special like an effects budget. I was like oh What you can't afford like you're your shot of a chase scene was a man running with a camera your shot of a chase scene was a man running with a camera. Now, suddenly you have an a sex budget. It is so hard to try to assemble the origin story of this film, right? Because yeah, I mean, the robots are terrible.

The effects are awful, but there's so much better than they should be given the rest of the film around them. Right. Yeah. What I can only imagine is that the three teenagers who made this movie were given $10,000 by that mega church, which they spent on diet, mountain dew and cheetos, and then like stole some art graphics off the internet, realized they only had three minutes of movie, and so the rest of it is shaky camera shots of this kid walking. That's a good, that's a good theory. That's a good theory. Yeah. So we wakes up from this

dream. Well, so in the dream sequence, like, uh, Iggy won't let, like they're him and faith are trying to run away from all the robots, but Iggy won't let them go. And he's acting like there's nothing wrong at all. Yeah. The cameras being operated via poi again. Yeah. And he's just like, come on, we're fine. There's these asteroid bombs are at a liberal hoax. Nope. We only just learned today that these asteroid bombs can hurt you in your race of dramatic stuff. You know how many flus have gone through here compared to asteroid bombs?

Exactly. Exactly. All right. So the next day he goes back to that church, Christus, and he returns that Bible. How many flus have gone through here compared to asteroid? Right. Exactly. All right. So the next day he goes back to that church, Christus, and he returns that Bible. And this is where the preacher lady shows up. And she's like, oh, hey, you want to learn to read? And he's like, no, I'm fine just staring at the pages.

He goes, she's like, do you want to learn to read? And he's like, meh, she's like, okay. Well, it's kind of the plot. So I would like you to learn how to read. Yeah, she helps her. She's like, hey, can you help me tip this bench back up? And she's like, yeah, sure, he helps her out. And she's like, okay, I'm out.

That was the work I had today. Tim, there we go. That bench. Good work apprentice. You've learned a lot about evangelizing. Mostly bench fixing. I really wanted to Mr. Miyagi that later in the movie, like the robots bearing town on him. She appears in a cloud. Tip the bench. He's just open in the book of acts and closing it acts on acts on act on. Mr. Miyagi.

Well done sir. Well done. Yes. No, that's pretty good. All right. And then so she goes to leave and he goes, Hey, wait, can I tell you about my dream? And she's like, yeah, you know what? There's already a weird amount of sexual tension between us anyway. We can be in a kid. So. Yeah. So Caitlin, for a little background, we have a rule here on God awful movies that you're not allowed to tell anyone your dreams that you are in sleeping with. So I interpreted this as this boy hitting on his mentor. I guess that's one way to go with it. I mean, she's pretty hot for a post apocalyptic preacher lady to vote. Oh, absolutely. So like eventually, oh, and so he tells about the dream, right?

And she's like, Oh, you know what? Yeah, giant robots. That sounds just like the Bible. Yeah. She's, she's explaining and she's and and he's like, okay, well, how do you know all this stuff that you're explaining to me right now? And she's like, that's in the Bible. The book of giant robots. You sure you don't know how to read? Oh, it's definitely in the Bible. Definitely. To be fair, there's way more shit in there about giants than you would expect going in,

right? It's true. So, yeah, so he agrees to learn to read. And then we get this learning to read montage. But that's nothing. Nope. So yeah, so he agrees to learn to read. And then we get this learning to read montage. But that's nothing. Nope. That doesn't exist as an action or a montage. So it's just a running from cops montage because they were like, oh, that is just, is just nothing.

But also, okay. So his line of dialogue, there was like, I'd like to learn to read better. Right. So apparently he already knew how to read. So maybe he was reading before in his van. And then also like, wouldn't he then know what books are if he does sort of know how to read? Like, there's so much story logic that is absent. This moment and the rest of the film. Yeah, there's, like I said, it's real hard to try to piece together this world and it's timeline and it's chronology and it's technology later.

Oh, but so we get the learning to read montage and the being chased by cops montage to spruce it up a little bit by the end of it, even the girl faith is learning to read. Mm hmm. So, okay, here's my question. If a woman teaches another woman how to read the Bible in montage form, does that pass the Bectal test? No, it doesn't. You know what, honestly, just in case it did, they made sure they had the boy in the background balancing a book. It might pass the back, they'll test, but it fails the book of Timothy test. Cause that's all you're right.

Yeah, certainly fails the Bible. Yeah. What? How was she going to teach that little girl? How to read that book? Yeah, right? We have to skip over this part. They get to the book of Timothy and she's just like, oh, we have to just be quiet. We have to. All right. So sometime later, he's in the church reading from the Bible

and the preacher lady comes up and she's like, you know, we should probably flesh out your backstory, huh? Hey, you want to expose it? I've never read about this is that he tells her information that it's already been established. Yes. He's like, yeah, I steal metal for this guy named Iggy. And it's like, yeah, we know Chris move on. This could be implied, but then he

starts really fleshing it out. And he's like, he ran away from his dad. And he doesn't know if his dad could ever forgive him. He says, I bet the father that I ran away from would never forgive me for the sins I've committed. And that was the first time that I sprained my eye rolling it. Oh, my father would be into forgiveness. That's a crazy. Jesus.

This movie symbolism has all the subtlety of blues clues. I like how he slow rolls it though. He's like, oh, I left my father. I don't know if he'd want me back. And she's like, I'm sure he does. And he's like, no, no, no, before I left, I stole all his money. And then I lost it. And she's like, oh, okay, he might not be like.

I'm going to come back Chris. I'm not giving up. Maybe shoot him an email first to see. Can I admit something very embarrassing, which is that because I've never, I have basically no exposure to the Bible. I've never read the Bible. I don't know a lot of Bible stories. And even though this like I now realize is very heavy handed in its allegory,

it took me so long to realize that this was like, I was like, Celestial City. Okay, that must be a real city. I like, it took me forever to be like, Oh, Celestial City is heaven. The father is God. Like I just did not. I am embarrassed how long it took me it was like the end of the movie and I was like Okay, now well now I feel like an asshole say more of you figure out blue exclusion got this So yeah, well no it's more our lives are so inundated with religious imagery that were walking around being like I mean Did you guys catch that Ephesians reference? Religion has killed our funny Caitlin. You're just a messenger. But this is marketed at Christians and they've, they're supposed to have read the Bible,

but they were supposed to see this and be like, oh my God, that is a subtle metaphor. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. So he packs up. He heads off on his adventure and this starts with him going back to the junkyard where the kids live and trying to get faith and all his buddies to go with him, right? If faith's last name is not miracle, I'm going to be furious.

Yeah. No, Christian's last name was secret. No, it's fable, isn't it? They've already given him the bullshit. I can't even I can't even lamp in this dumps. Chris, not a real story. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now this is also where we first meet Doc who is just a weirdly likeable character. I don't know. Oh, the little boy. Yes. Okay. Little Newsy boy. He looks like a Newsy. Yes. Yeah. The little Newsy. Yeah. Again, what year is this? It's also where we meet. I'm going to say my second favorite character in the movie, Guitar Center guy. So we are introduced to a character named Stubbs, but increasingly and for the rest of the movie,

someone that the people who made this movie, Meta Guitar Center, will accompany characters, scenes, and even multi-scene arcs with whatever him just doodly doing around on a guitar. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, we have to meet the hard kid. This is Stubbs. He's so hard. He has a switchblade comb. And again, they're all smudgy.

I just wanted one person to acknowledge this much. Do we like having this much? Yeah, so, but okay, so these are Stubbs. It's like, here's some talking about going to Celestial City and he goes, that's stupid. Your religion is silly. I think you shouldn't go there, right? That's us, by the way, that's what we look like. Cause this kid represents us.

And then they start fighting, the two kids start fighting. And that includes a lot of just punch and right in the fucking pants. Chris hits stubs so hard. And with the first punch, the kid clearly got hurt. And he's like, oh my God, I'm going to fight this kid back in real life. And they get into it so good. And Chris is immediately like, sorry, time out, time out, time out. Yes.

Yes. Very clearly. Yeah. I can't promise you much, but these children actually hit each other in the face and actually rolled each other down hills. Also, I was like, gonna make the joke that Stubbs brought a knife to a punch fight because it pulls out his switch lead saying at one point in the middle of the punch fight and I was like, oh, he's got a knife, but then I was like, wait a minute, that's a comb.

Why does he pull out his comb in the middle of the fight? It's amazing. So little sense. You're gonna come to a punch. This is confusing. I don't know what it would be better. It works. What kind of comb?

If you'd like to rank comb punch fan fan man, rock paper scissors, and our ongoing escapade, good old old come nothing beats that. All right, so then, but just then Iggy shows up the apocalypse, Fagan shows up and he says, where do you think you're going? And he's like, we're going to go to celestial city goes, huh, there's like monsters and shit. You'll never make it, right? But the kids run.

Doc, the little dude trips Iggy, they all run off, but Iggy has a dirt bike. Okay, but they've never seen one before? Mm-hmm. Because when he starts to chase them, they go, what's that noise? So like, there's a lot of things that these people in this movie have been exposed to that they don't know the name for. Maybe post the Buckelips, they're just not naming stuff anymore. It's unclear. Who the fuck knows also if this production had access to a

motorcycle, why didn't they just mount the camera on the motor cycle? I've seen with that mount like they had a way to make that shot much steadier. And they just didn't do it. So okay, so here's the fucked up thing is that I know from our previous experience doing this show that the guy who made this movie, he's listening to this goddamn episode right now, Caitlin, and heard you say that.

And it's like, fuck. Oh, we did have that. God. Oh, we have heels. They're like really things the worst. What would say it again? I got everyone we deal us.

Caitlin, you're going to get such a passive aggressive YouTube comment from this guy. Just be ready. Bring it. We ready. I'll have you know, it was my uncle's motorcycle. And we could not drill into the handle.

We were supposed to drive that through the trailers. Didn't even think of that. Did you, the trailers? Doesn't make sense. More like black deltas. So all the kids, they stop and they're like, hey guys, look, you know, we're doing pretty damn good so far, but we're never going to outrun Iggy now that he's on a dirt bike. I wanted Iggy to catch up on the bike and then realize that like you can't really do anything

at that point. That's not what you're going to do from a bike. Like jump off of it and catch. There's nothing to do there. Yeah, you're going to throw a net a lasso or something. Just keep giving your speech and they're like, what? I can't hear you from the noise. But faith has a plan, which is apparently to sacrifice herself for Chris.

Yep. And my reason she's like, Chris, give me your jacket. I mean, why have a woman in the story unless she's going to sacrifice herself for the male hero? Yeah, right, right. She's like, let me jump in this refrigerator real quick. I can, I'll take care of this. Is this a pass or a fail? She has a name that we win or lose.

She's the only female and she's going off to die. As a means of moving the male character story forward. It's positive. It's a positive feminist message. It's, it's good that how they die for us. She might as well jump in a refrigerator and land herself on top of Iggy's. And by the way, when she proposes this all go sacrifice myself for your sake idea, Chris gives that like, you know, when the other guy offers to pay the bill resistance, absolute.

All right. I'm here's my jacket and all, but don't do that. Are you backing away? How you're out of the restaurant now? You're backing out of the restaurant. I'm a sacrifice myself for you next time. Let me. But everybody's like, all right.

Well, I guess faith is our only chance to be saved. Yep. From this situation. Yep. And that's what happens. Oh, so Caitlin, it's an allegory for the Bible. Oh, what? Hang on.

I don't see it. All right, but then the narrator cuts into basically say skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead. So in the near oh, so we got duck, the little newsie kid. He's following Chris around now. And the narrator is going like, and duck was there too. He was a doubty little asshole that asked too many damn questions. I want to duck to be like, I can hear you, lady.

That's not, that's rude. This was the first time I noticed that, oh, is that a van jolene's voice? Like is she now the narrator of, like, I wanted them to pan over and she's like, in a tree just watching. And duck is there. He's annoying. What? What?

You can't see me. For while I was like, oh, is she God because she does have seem to have this like omniscient point of view. She knows everything that's happening, but oh, I guess it's her dream, right? I don't understand. Right. And the plot of this movie. Yeah, I don't do that.

And that is the fucking $30,000 question, right there, estimate. Yeah, they don't explain that to you until the end. So you're left to puzzle it out for yourself. Like, what the fuck is she, why was she telling this story? She's definitely neither duck nor Chris, right? Right. Right. Very confusing.

And then they fell down a hill, right? Right? Very confusing. And then they fell down a hill, right? Like we watch these two children fall down a hill for a while. And if there is a better metaphor for Christianity than accidentally falling down a hill because you're too busy describing a city, you have no proof is real. I don't know what it is. And how does it seem like they're walking along and then a cliff sneaks up on them? Logistically, that's a little hard to imagine. Yeah, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that when they're rolling down the hill and obviously they've switched out Newsy's kid for a stunt double, but that stunt double is like a full grown man. He is visibly a very much. Yes.

X tree X tree. I'm a Newsy child X tree same person. So we are just they put him in the same shot as Chris Fable, right? as the other kid who is rolling down the fucking hill and he's so goddamn much bigger than him now. But yes, they rolled on the hill. They fall in this swamp. There is a very growly alligator in it, right? Much growlier than most alligators. So he stuck in the thing duck gets out and ducks like, hey, I'll help you out of the swamp. Whoa alligator never the puck mind man

But then okay, so now here's Chris and oh there's an alligator. How will he ever get out? Well luckily a God damn random forest ranger kid shows up and pulls him out The last park ranger of the apocalypse Yeah, I thought this was still Doug and I was like did he just fucking change into a boy scout? Look there's a there's a phone booth right there. This will work out great. By the way, this is one of my favorite moments in the movie because he pulls him out and he's like, he's like, oh, man, how do most people make it through there? And the shot pans out and it's very clearly like a three foot wide puddle. And the park rangers like, I

mean, a lot of people just go around. And then, all right, he says, what is that monster? And the department, your kid explains, you guys correct me if I've got this wrong, that that alligator is what happens when all the drugs and crime roll out of the city down hill. Well, it's the evil from the gaze is what they're saying. I think those exact words, but that creates demon alligators is what they're going for here. Yeah. Wait, ready for the really funny, cool thing that I wrote down, you know, when drugs come to life and turn into a large reptile, like a crocodile, more like crack, oh, dial. It more like crack or dial. It's like.

Okay. Actually, that's pretty fucking good. Thank you. Thank you. You haven't just guessed it on this podcast, Madam. You have one heath and rights are told. It's an adoralligator. Mine was stupid. It's better. All right. So yeah.

So and then that kid dips the fuck out never to be seen again, right? The per major kid post him out of the swamp says, yeah, it's a drug alligator. Also, I like the Bible. Bye. That's it. Yeah. Also, duck will never be in the movie again. Well, we'll see him at the very end, but yeah, yeah.

But again, now, so here's the thing is that they don't seem to understand that, you know, if you base a movie on another like existing story, your story still has to make sense all on its own, right? Because this, like this, if you already know Pilgrim's progress, you know what this scene is. You know what it's supposed to represent. But if you haven't, this is some super random shit. Woohoo!

Alright, so now we meet a man speaking of which, Jesus fucking Christ. Now... Bad pony. Bad pony. There's a guy in the scene, but fuck that, it's fat pony here, it's amazing. There's no other possible reason for this scene other than they had access to fat pony and they were like, what are we gonna not fucking use fat pony? It's the only good thing in our movie. Oh God. Why didn't fat pony have more line?

It's like a cross between a pug and a horse and it's fucking really is. Yeah. I never thought I'd see a pony with a similar gut to my own. And I have and I love him. And the guy, okay, so the pony is great. The guy not so much. The guy is first of all, he's dressed like a pimp. And I just had to tow red suit red hat to match his red face. His face is so red.

Yeah. It's so good. He says, I'm going to introduce myself. And I want it Chris Fable to start roasting immediately. Be like, Oh, hello, you're in a white's only cast of Dolomite. What do you do? You're, you're jazz pirate, jazz pirate. You're pimped for that thick little horse but then okay, but now he's going to introduce himself to us and they try to do like their take on

the modern major general, but they're terrible and have no talent. Right? So it's fucking awful. You can barely tell that that's what they're going for. Nothing rhymes. It's like, and again, it's just a window into the arrogance of this writer. He looks at this and he goes, like Gilbert Sullivan, me, you know, pretty much say, right? Fuck. See, I thought, you know, I think there's some real talent there. He's as far as I'm concerned, a jellicle cat to bring a cat in the back of the back. He's like, he's doing his little song,

and then he's describing all of his items. And I was like, oh, this is like the jellicle song. He's like, you know, instructional cat, medicinal cat, contructional cat, historical cat, got a Oracle cat, astronomical cat, historical cat, astronomical cat, celestial cat. Oh, and fat pony starts singing memories. It would have been amazing.

We watched cats for this week's show. And it was one of my weird favorite, best, worst, best watches ever. And, and we're at a loss. If the listeners wondering where the hell that is. Well, that was really only only for the patron. You guys got to get it. That's behind the scenes. Kind of stuff. So either you have to like subscribe to us on Patreon or you have to wait until the next pandemic or something. Many, the 43rd week of this pandemic. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'll eventually drop that one too. So okay, but this guy is like the salesman and he's trying, he's going to sell Chris a

map that takes him to show him a shortcut to celestial city, but and they haggle about this for a really long time before they, the writer realizes he doesn't have any way for this goddamn scene to end. So it just ends. Yeah. He obviously knows that haggling is like, no, I want this instead, but he doesn't understand that haggling usually ends in a compromise. So instead the characters just like, I'll take that last thing you offered, because then

the scene is over. Goodbye. Yep. Which I think is the comb that he somehow got from Stubbs. Do we see him getting Stubbs' comb? No. Does he take knife comb? Yeah, no, he trades getting Stubbs as calm? No. Does he take knife cone?

Yeah, no, he trades knife home for the map at this point. Yeah, I was I was kind of curious about that myself. I and then I thought, Oh, is he a pick pocket? Well, that come back because I was so naive back then in act one. I thought that's it. I hope synact one. All right. So Chris Wonders off with his map. We watch him walk through the woods checking

his map for a solid two minutes. I wanted him to read the map upside down and fuck it up. Like he just the movie just ends in the wrong place. The best movie ever just over. He's back in his hometown. Shit. Oh, all right. Well, he can barely read. Of course he can read a map. The cuts are so confusing of this walk. I thought he was meeting a mirror version of himself, right? Because he looks and then the camera switches and he looks again and the camera switches again. So I literally thought there was gonna be seen where he meets like spooky mirror crest,

but no, no, they just don't know how to shoot a movie. At this point I wrote in my notes, this movie has been a very, very long 34 minutes so far. Oh, God damn it. We're 34 minutes from this run. Yeah. It was also at this point where I was like, man, we could really use like a fellowship of this celestial city, like some other character, actually, are there with him because like this kid is not charismatic enough to carry this story

on his own at. No, no, he needs fucking dwarf and an elf. Yeah. All the hell. Sadly, Jesus isn't charismatic enough to carry the Bible by himself either. No. That tracks. So no, and this is some really, really bad editing here.

The kid starts running around in the woods. Like he's scared from something and it's quite a while before they realize they got to throw in some sound effects for us to know why he's running. So eventually we get these stompy sounds that he's running from, right? Like a big stompy giant somewhere. Yeah. Like the T-Rex from Dress Park got to show up. Yeah. With like Jesus on his back. We close to Ken Ham's Ark Park, which way is?

Got a map right there. I see you have a map. So he drops to his knees and starts reading his Bible, right? Because he's getting scared. And he's like, there's got to be something in here that will help. And again, like I said, a lot of shit about giants in that book. So that's not as crazy as you think. So he reads about his Bible for a little while. He starts running again. And then he comes out of the woods. And there's like this group of hooligan kids.

They are women. Some more women in the movie. Is this movie is getting more and more feminist. I'm telling you. Good representation of women Oh, yeah, I was getting more and more feminist. Hey when you started absolute zero everything's warmer. So yeah But yeah, so he's warned some he's like hey, you know look out There's something coming from the woods. You should be scared and they're like

Psh quit man's plan and which is why they're going to die. Yeah, I've punished these women for not believing in Chris. Yes. That's exactly how it plays out. He's like, Hey, guys, you should run screaming for in terror from here. And they're like, no. And he runs off. And then the fucking robot shows up. The giant shows up, right? And again, all we hear is stomps,, stom, but the kids go running off and we can see again, bad guy is not being shown. We're just hearing Santa Feaks, but we can see each of these girls one by one getting plucked off by the giant that's behind them. Yep. And now he said a number of times that he's headed for the wicked gate. So at this point, he finally gets to this gate, but damn, and if that

giant thing isn't catching up, it's right on his heels. And just it all fades to black. No, I just added so much more suspense in this. In that one sentence fragment just now. Why thank you. Thank you. All right. Well, no, look, look, I'm pretty gonna be evergreen in that one sentence fragment just now. Well, thank you. Thank you. All right. Well, no, look, look, I'm pretty sure several kids just got eaten by a robot. I don't think that that was the kind of movie we were watching. So I need a quick break to recalibrate my notes. But when we come back, we'll talk about even more of the adventures of Chris Fable.

I'll tell you this, Stubbs. Ain't nobody going to keep me from the Celestial City? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Really? Sorry, guys.

What? Uh, yeah. What's up, Faith? Yeah, what is it? It's just, um, what? You guys are just covered in dirt. What? We guys are just covered in dirt. What? We are?

Yeah, I know we're like decennzian and all that, but seriously, it's just everywhere. Wait, like me too, me and. That's us, especially you. You look like a pig pen. Wow. All right, well, let's go shower. Then we fight right after that. Yep. You bet we will. Thank you, Faith, by the way. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Sure. I'm touching it now. It's a lot. I can feel it. It's gritty. You were so smudgy. So smudgy.

Tired of looking through your mail like this. Bill, Bill, Spam, Spam, Spam that weirdly pretends to be a check, you think that would be illegal? Death threat, Bill. And wanna start looking through your mail like this? Bill, Bill, Spam, Bill, Box of Awesome! Yes! Then why not try bespoke post? What's bes Bespoke. Post. Bespoke post sends you only the best stuff every month, and no matter what you're into, Box of Awesome has you covered.

From styling grooming goods to bar wear, cooking tools, and outdoor care, Box of Awesome has carefully built collections for every part of your life. Oh yeah? Like what? How about the slumber box, which comes with a bamboo lyo cell duvet cover? Ooh, so cozy. Or how about the Julep box, the classiest and most elegant way to make a mint Julep at home? Want it? Call it. I want that one.

To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel anytime. Each box costs only 45 bucks, but has over 70 dollars worth of gear inside. Wait, we get all that stuff for just 45 dollars? You sure do, plus you'll get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code awful at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com code enter the code awful at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com

code awful for 20% off your first box. Box of awesome. Turn your mail from this. Oh man to this. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we're back. And I know maybe I did a little more than normal and selling the suspense as we were going to break there. But there's a reason for it.

It's so that you, the listener, can understand how terribly god-dimp disappointing it is when the next scene is just him waking up and somebody going, wow, that robot almost got you in that last scene. Yeah. It turns out the robot is like out of shape. And it's like, I'm tired. And the robot collapsed. So it's going to be fine.

That's what we learn right here. He's in this magical house with this woman and the robot collapsed and he's fine. Yeah, he did make it. The movie just didn't have the technical prowess to show a gate opening. That was beyond their capacity. It was locked. They wanted to make sure. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha they get their fucking get their like I guess I guess you could just black out right there and we can say later that she came in

God. The person who owned that house was like get the fuck away. I told you you can't film here. Okay, cut. So we got it. We got the gate. So he wakes up and he basically goes, so what the fuck was up with that last scene? That made no sense, right? And this woman who we've never met, she's just like, yeah, no, it really doesn't, but you're here with me now. So let's not dwell on the screenwriting. But hey, it's another woman. There's so many women in this story now, such it's getting more,

and even though some of these women are dying or getting kidnapped, you know, we we add others to replace it is incredible. But I also am like, Oh, I guess only white people survived. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was.

Oh, this was white even for a Christian movie. Some of them have some black face if that's. Yeah, a little bit there. They're they're they're just in Trudeau in it a little bit. Yeah. The closest we get to an ethnic minority in this movie is a mustache. So, you know, it's not great. It's not great.

So he goes, what was that thing from that last scene? And she goes, it serves the ruler of this land. And he's like, that's just random exposition. Doesn't answer my question at all. That's it. What I'm getting at is do you get a lot of giant robots? That's like, maybe I wasn't specific. That specifically, is that a lot?

You have to put that in the house disclosures. If you have giant robots, it's in the, it's like, radon. But what I love is they're trying to extend this Satan God metaphor thing into kingdoms, but it completely falls apart. Right. It's like, Oh, the prince tried to fight the king and the king won, but the prince is in charge and kills people. What?

Okay. It's another, another of this is the second eye spray. And I got it. At this point, I rolled it back so far I could see last Wednesday. I think I had toilet paper. It was great. It's so dumb. Yeah. She's like, there's a prints in charge now of this dark cond area. The lens evil now. I'd move, but you know, probably way down because it's a whole like, it's a pie or a smart kid. It took a balloon mortgage. You know, I'm kind of underwatering evil lens. Makes perfect sense to me. I think this is good screenwriting. All right. So somebody explained this to me, tell me, tell me, am I, am I wrong on this?

When the two of these characters are standing out on the porch together, this middle age woman and this 13 year old kid, she tries to seduce this kid, right? Yeah. The bit on the back porch. No, just me. She definitely has a like you sure you don't want to stay a while moment. And he's like, I'm 12 and she's like, all right, have fun on your journey. She turns off, baby, it's cold outside.

Sorry. I did it. I was doing it. I was going around. Also, the whole like, because she's been carrying this giant backpack the whole time again, because it's pilgrims progress. And she gives him the whole, you should leave all your belongings behind. All you really need is the Bible speech, but that's way more like self serving.

When the person saying it is staying behind where they're asking you to leave all your valuable belongings. Just thought I'd point that out for her. Yeah, I didn't even think of that. So okay, time for more walking, which is great. The fucking narrator cuts into a mind as she's still there, I guess.

I wanted this dude to get passed by a hobbit who's just like, dude, start a fucking plot. Come on. All right. So he comes to a fork in the road. He's like, I don't know. I'll take this path. And just when he decides on which path to take a dude in a wooden bird cage tells him that's not the right path.

This character is a vicious attack on he then right. in a wooden bird cage tells him that's not the right path. This character is a vicious attack on he then rides. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The spider on my rage. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did.

He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did.

He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did That's what this character represents. The idea is that he's put himself in this cage of knowledge and now he can never figure out the right answer because he has too much information. And the movie gets this wrong.

He's supposed to be like the scientist who's two two all, you know caught up in his own head with data and logic. And Chris Fables like, come on man, just get out of the cage and you know caught up in his own head with data and logic. And Chris Fables like, come on man, just get out of the cage and you know, take a path. There's only two directions, the right way the wrong way. And the guys like, well, no, I mean, it's more than two. There are more than two directions. And he's supposed to be wrong. One dimension. What access do you think you're on? Just the one. And I love how they try to do like the, the like books are bad moment and failed at that as well.

He's like, I have to read my boo. No bad spin on that. I don't know how to do a bad spin on. What does their science books? Yeah. No, the character actually asks him, why do you need all of those books if you already have the Bible? Yeah. And yeah, and Chris says the answer is right here in this book, I'm a nomadic orphan getting attacked by giant robots. I'm basically crushing it. I know. I know. The answers. Yeah, yeah, but no, the scientist atheist, an intellectual

character decides to stay back. It is imprisoned in his cage of knowledge. So dumb. He's like, I'm going to figure out a cure for the plague. And Chris is like, let me know when you're done. Yeah, strange, strange that they don't seem to mind that cage right now in this exact moment. So much. Jesus. All right.

So now we watch Buck and Chris walks some more. And then he comes, okay, he comes across this big cross. Now they were going for cross shaped hole in the rock, but the effects were so bad. I thought this was supposed to just be a shadow. Okay, but this is so vitally important to me because the pilgrims progress, the poem is all about like he's carrying his heavy burden, he's carrying his heavy burden, except Caitlin, you were not aware of that because you are luckily enough not to have read the Pilgrim's progress.

So what the fuck did it look like was happening in the CG, you know? What was your experience? That's what I want to know. I mean, I, right, I was like, okay, I guess this is an entrance to a cave that is just perfectly in the perfect shape of a crucifix. I like, I recognize some of the Christian undertones,

obviously up to this point, but I was, I really couldn't make sense of any of this at all. Feels like a cartoon train might come out. Absolutely. Because if you don't know the pilgrims progress, you're just halfway through the movie when the main character joyfully kicks his supplies. Yes, away. Yes. I didn't understand why he did that. Correct. It's done. It's an understanding motivation. Also, like, this is true. The pilgrims progress as well. But can we talk about how monumentally crazy it is to have your hallelujah moment halfway

through your film? Right. He sets down his heavy burden and I paused it and I was like, okay, hour and 13 minutes left on the time. Yeah. Here we go. Well, don't worry. If things weren't making sense, don't worry. It's about to settle into a nice linear plot.

Obviously, the next thing that happens is a short wielding cowboy shows up. Sort cowboy. Yeah, you know how cowboys are famous for slinging plastic sword. Yeah, right. Yes. So yeah, he runs into a sword cowboy. So then it's that night. They're having beans around the fire because you know, it's cowboys.

And there's what I think is maybe the most amazing scene I've ever seen in my god damn life. This is the entire fucking scene. I shit you not Chris Bable eating some beans. He says, so do you and the cowboys finish eating first and goes, okay, that's the end of that scene. That's it's own fucking cutaway. If a stranger told me to finish my food before we talked, I would be 1,000% sure they were

poisoning. Poison. 100 times. But he wasn't, it's made so little sense. It was just like, we're not losing that can of beans. No. It reminds me of another moment that happens between Chris and Faith at one point where he's like, wow, I bet you have a story to tell.

And she's like, yeah, maybe later. I'm a woman. So probably not. And we get this weird little, we get a storytelling montage. He's telling Bible stories. And I just want to, I'm really hoping he's telling the bad ones, right? Bible stories and I just want to I'm really hoping he's telling the bad ones right? And a ha did smoke their children and all their geese and all their yaks

How does that apply to us right now? But of course the the fucking stories that he's telling our little snippets to bot designed to show all the kids out there how cool in designed to show all the kids out there how cool an adventure the Bible is, right? And I just want to say as an atheist, I am also in favor of kids reading the Bible as soon as possible. Keep us in those Patreon dollars. Read that book everybody. All right. And then of course, the cowboy gives Chris a sword.

Yeah. All right, and then of course the cowboy gives Chris a sword Yeah Crazy the craziest moment. He's like all right, so glad you enjoyed those beans. Here's your magic sword. Good night. No questions Why is it glow and blue I questions. The next day the fucking cowboy has to teach Chris out of sword fight. I want series of deceptions led to this moment on film right because both these actors stand there and we the audience get to watch them realize neither of them knows how to sword fighting. sword fighting knowledge, but we still go through it pretty long. It was like lesson one. You already dropped your sword. See, I hit it out of your hand. Lesson one do not not have a sword in a sword fight. That's important. All right, cool lesson to bad guys. Always attack left,

right, left, right. It's a pattern that's the rule. So you block left, right, left, right, right. Cool. And lesson three, you're gonna go duck jump, duck, jump, duck, jump. Because that'll be the only other thing they're allowed to do is go up down. And, uh, yeah, that's basically also. Yeah, you're all good. Pretty much got it. He might as well stop it and be like, no corner traps. You're cheating. Also, I don't think this counts as like a training montage because it just plays out in real time. Like there's no content. Condent time here. It's just all happening. It's slowly. Oh, God, I wish. I she's, I have a friend who does actual sword fighting.

God, I wish she was here to critique these lessons. Oh. You know what's the opposite of a montage, whatever you're describing Caitlin, that's what they've done here. It's just. It's just a. Todd. Yes.

Who? Who montage? So, um, yeah. So, but of course, this scene exists so that grandma can tell her grandson, no, no, they're sword fighting in it. Right? This is, this is this movie is fucking harsh. Jesus is cool. There's swords and shit. I wrote my notes. I guarantee you the most drama associated with this production was when whoever owned these decorative

swords he bought on the home shopping networks saw the mix they caused them with this monster. He had on the front you hold it flat. God damn it. Oh, so yeah, so he now he it's been three minutes. So he knows how to fucking sword fight. I wanted a giant robot to just walk up and shoot him. It helps.

That's not helpful. All right. So now he knows how to sword fight. The Cowboys done his job. So he climbs back on his horse, which is by the way, not a fat pony. How dare that horse not be a fat pony. We know you have a fat pony. You have access to a fat pony. Now, you know what? Now that that fucking snarky message about his uncle's dirt bike and shit is going to be like, well, also we only had the pony for one day and we had to decide. I'll have you know that fat pony died of a heart attack.

What? That pony got a better job and was like, hmm, that's it's all, that's all. You just get the one seen. Fat pony became a podcast. Sir. What's up guys? Don't forget to hit that like and subscribe button. Fat pony. All right.

So and oh, by the way, before they part company, the cowboy hands Chris Fable a slingshot. And he literally says, just in case you run into any giants in, I don't know, act three, perhaps. Should we do a slingshot shooting montage that's not a long time. We just shoot slingshots at giants. I don't know. I want him just walk over to the cliff that he

threw all his possessions down and throw the throw the sword in the slingshot. Calma, but the fuck man, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I should have been more clear. Really make any f**kins and now that you... Alright, and f**kin' now Iggy is on 80 television sets with Satan. Keep up, Iggy. Keep the f**k up. Iggy not being able to figure out Zoom. I so wanted the scene where Satan teaches Iggy how to use zoom. Okay, so now you're just going to click the link I sent you. Okay, do I need to download anything? Nope. It should. No, like, you shouldn't need to download anything. Just go ahead and click the link. Okay.

Oh, it says I can call a number. Do I call it from the computer? Nope, nope, that's the phone version. You're just gonna click the link at the top of the email. Oh, okay, got it. Got it. All right. It says it wants to open Zoom, like on my camera.

Nope, nope, she's gonna be on your computer. It wants to open zoom like on my camera? Nope, nope, it's just gonna be on your computer. You just click it and open it. I'm on my phone. Do I need to be on my computer? What? You need to be on your computer. But then how am I gonna call you? Are you sure you're not the devil, Iggy?

Are you maybe the devil? the devil. Hicky, are you maybe the devil? Oh, that's just been Eli's life for the last couple of weeks. I bet. And has that's my life. Okay. So yeah, now this is Satan, but we're only seeing him like from behind and obscured like inspector gadget style. And it's supposed to make him more intimidating, which they have to do something for that because he has the whiny rich kid voice Well, it's supposed to be Satan, but he has the whiny rich kid voice

Sounds like Jared Kushner explaining that the masks are his all Like Michael Keaton trying to be angry batman. It doesn't work. Yeah, exactly exactly Trying to do the pit of despair. But Satan tells him like, Hey, man, you got to go find that kid. That's like pretty much the whole, that's as close as we've got to applaud God, damn it. And Satan tells him, he's like, don't worry, I'll let you borrow my ride. Forshound, which is I'm like, if that ride is not a 1992 Subaru outback, I'm gonna be furious. Okay, wait.

Okay, Caitlin, a lot of people have 92 Subaru up at and they're cool. They're awesome. Wait, I can't imagine you know what kind of vehicle drives when you wrote that. I know somehow Eli sent you up to know that. And now you're making fun of me directly. All right, the 92 is a great model. It's like a 68 Margot of Caitlin. What have we told you that it occasionally catches on fire? We want you back at least once when I've been in the car and at least once when he was Separate occasions. Yeah, no, and not the same time It's it's awesome. It's like Satan's vehicle. It's on fire. Of course it would be

fucking sweet But but Iggy's like all right, I'm gonna take your ride. I don't really know. Is it a goat that's also a motorcycle? That's also on fire is that what it's gonna be? Because that was what you had last time. It was very inefficient. Little foreshadowing. We'll find out later. But now if you're thinking, Manage, sure has been a long time since there was walking. I got good news for you. This is the part where fucking Chris comes across the lava river. And if you're thinking, wait, this movie doesn't have lava river budget, doesn't

it? No, it does. It does. No, it had writers that were like, the floor is lava. This is so fun. Hey, you know what? What if we write it into the scene right now? By the way, guitar center guy is going fucking crazy in these lava shots, by the way. Oh, he's just doing, he's doing his absolute best, which all begs the question, what's the plot of this movie again? What are you doing? Fuckin' question. Like literally the plot of this movie is platform video game ask, right? He's trying to get from left to right.

That's it. So yeah, okay, so he gets past the lava. He hears a scream. So he runs up to the top of the clip and Faith for reasons that will never be explained is hanging off of a cliff by her fingertips About to fall into the lava. All right, but they're reunited now. He found his Now he found his face and her face could not be smudged here. It is as smudgy as wherever he's been. She got more smudgy. Yeah.

You know how like in some movies like they let the female lead gets more and more attractive as they go or more and more scantily clad as they did that but with smudging his with faith for some reason. Yes. Mudging is the attractiveness of Christian cinema. I guess so. Yeah. So, and then he turns to her like they get away and he says to her, he's like, gee, I thought you were and she's like, no, no, I'm fine.

Don't say it. And he's like, but why did you think she was dot, dot, dot, right? Like what gave you that impression? Like it said in the movie that that she was dead, but yeah dot, right? Like what gave you that impression? Like it said, the movie that she was dead, but. Yeah, he didn't see that scene. Earlier in the phone call, Iggy told Satan he had killed her, but he wasn't there for that. Is he watching the movie?

Oh, you know what? From what I'm understanding about Zoom security protocols, he may have been listening in on that call. Oh, that's what it is. So that could be it. That actually explains that. More evangelines just what it is. So that could be it. That actually. We're evangeling's just been following everything and she just fills everybody in.

Oh, there you go. No, no, it's okay. I'm an ancient third person. It's all right. So I'm on a different axis. I really, but I can tell you. So I've got left right up down up here. It's crazy.

All right. So now, you know, just in case you were getting sick of just watching Chris walk, we now get to watch Chris and Faith walk. Ooh, feminism. There's a one on the screen. And now it's time for a vine attack. Oh, yeah, the path takes them right through fucking off season Halloween decoration would the vines because you know it's exciting is vines Vines are pretty exciting

They weren't going for evil dead, but they accidentally did evil dead. I just want them to know. Yeah All right, so the vines grab them and start dragging them down yet another hill. So much of this movie is throwing children down hills. Also, I feel like the director of this movie, like that scene where Chris throws his burden down the hill and it's tumbling down the hillside forever. I'm like, Oh, I bet their director wishes that bag were a child being flung down a hill. And the original screenplay, that was just duck. Yeah.

I can't get it. Followed him the whole way. He's like, you know, you've been quite a burden this whole time. It's a stunt bag that's way too big.'s clearly. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So these vines grab them and they're dragging them around and then very late in the game, it occurs to Chris that he has a sword. Yeah. Right. Like so vines are not going to be super problematic.

Right. So he's like, I use my sword and he chops them off. He's like, how faith I got you to and she's like, no, they're very small vines. Like I'm good at. Just break hand. Break them. Also, this is a collector's item.

It'll triple in value. I'll have you know. Oh, and then they have to run from the vines, but they have to run for an absurdly long time. Because again, they promised a guitar center guy that they would use his entire solo in this scene. Sure.

Oh, all right. Well, I'll tell you what, we just watched adventurous vine chopping. I need a break. But first, let me give AX3 the hard sell. Will people pick up this DVD because it looks kind of like a Harry Potter thing? Will the packaging compare it to the Chronicles of Narnia? Did I learn that from a very angry IMDB review from a dude whose girlfriend fell for it? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the laborious conclusion of the adventures of Chris Fable.

We'll say it and realize he's under utilizing the giant robots. Yeah, I'm just using him. He's been a very small bunch. And David, well, he done through that stone as hard as he couldn't Goliath build down there. Wow, and that story is in this book. It sure is. It's a good book, don't you think? For sure.

Tell me another. Okay, have you heard the one about the time God killed some kids for making fun of a bald guy? He did? With bears or maybe you'd like to hear about the horror Babylon. He didn't comely was she? Um, maybe just another adventure story? Okay, all right. Well, how about the greatest story of them all?

The greatest story of them all? That's right. What have I told you? I'd kill myself in the form of my son so that I wouldn't have to torture you forever. How's that sound? Yeah, I'm gonna go. Suit yourself. I'm burning a hell for everyone. What? I said, suit yourself. I'm burning up. What? What? I said suit yourself. I said suit yourself.

You're safe. And we're back for more walking. Christian faith just walking more walking. Right. Well, we know if they're on a journey, if every scene doesn't open and end with the characters walking into and out of frame. How do they get to the scene?

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. But then just all of a sudden out of nowhere, they're attacked by the birds from bird the bad guys from just like scorpion horse. What the fuck was this? I think it was supposed to be the Scorpion horse look. Was it really?

Oh. They did a real bad job doing that with terrible CGI, but I think maybe that's what they're going for. I think this was just them being like kids like it when things get squished. Yeah, squished. It's, it's definitely what you said. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's exactly it. They were like, oh, what else do kids like bugs?

Kids like bugs. So we get several minutes of bug swatting action. Yep. And then he says, well, that's all of them. Kind of a pointless and expensive scene. Pointless and expensive scene How much mountain dude we have left Right, I'm just like what's the theme of this movie is it like finding God is hard because of all the bees vines and drug crocodiles that get in the way Correct Is this about pitful? Well, yeah.

This is an allegory for the video game pitful. But so that's the thing though, is that when so many of your allegories are so heavy handed, when you just have one that's just bugs are cool, then yeah, it leaves us like scratching our heads for an awful long fucking time. Yeah. Well, faith in Chris Scratch, their heads too. They're like, that was weird. All right.

I don't know. Let me ask something. Are we in the fucking Bible? But then things get even scarier because now they have to walk through early evening early evening. And guitar center guys just going crazy in the background and he's messing up too right he's trying to do a finger pattern on a guitar which is pretty well known when you're like first learning electric guitar but he keeps messing it up so it's like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no it's pretty hardcore. If you think about it, huh, kids? Huh?

Yeah. And they're both like, yeah, you know what? Let's walk through the valley of the shadow and death. They're like, the fuck you're wrong. We're always talking about it. We might as well just do it. It's just the shadow, right? It's just the shadow.

And then how much evil are you fearing? Because like, I don't know. I gotta be honest, we're not supposed to, but I stuff keeps happening. All right, so now just to fucking top it all off, we just had a random vine attack fallen immediately by a random bug attack and now exploding tree attack. I thought this was lightning. Okay, yeah, yeah, no, it's no, yeah, the lighting's hitting the trees and the trees are exploding around them. It's okay, guys, no, they're still running through the woods, but it's from different special effects now.

Different scene. I miss the fat pony. Oh, you and me both, sister. At least the movie should cut in and let us know what's going on with that pony. Right. You and me, Caitlin, we get together. We pitch a fat pony solo flick. It could be, it could be Chris Fable's Hobbs and Shaw. Yes. Fat pony in the drop, then the rock D Dwayne Johnson everyone will see that movie. That's absolutely true. That pony dies during filming and they have to do this really depressing. Oh, my God. So all right.

So they get away from the tree lightning and the bugs and the binds. They sit down in the field to have a chat, but just then Iggy shows up in Satan's ride, which is not a 92 Subaru outback. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Dr. Sucian hot air balloon. A hot air balloon. The least convenient vehicle to catch a person. Well, that, you know, after a dirt bike, but yeah. Well, but that means Satan, the prince of darkness was like showing up to stuff being like, I am the prince of dark. Just give me a second. Just give me a second. The controls are, it just really just goes up and down.

You got to take a 30 to 40. You guys walk over here. I have a speech. You want to go. I'm going to, I'm going to throw a rope down and I'm going to need one of you to hammer it into the ground for me. And then 45 minutes later at the fastest and I cannot emphasize that enough. Do you have a hammer in there? No, I can't have, I cannot have anything in here or it just flips over and it just flips. Yeah. You should get a 92 super. Anyone wants to propose in this thing, however, it will be medium or in 92 Subaru up. All right. So he now and Iggy pulls out.

He's got this little like Saturday night special crossbow. Mm-hmm. And he's like, I'm going to kill faith if you don't come with me. And Chris is like, I'm not going to come with you. And he's like, you realize you're the hero, right? You know, do you hear it? I hear it. Faith gives him this fantastic look where she's like, oh realize you're the hero, right? You know, do you hear it? I hear it. Faith gives him this fantastic look

where she's like, oh, we're doing two sacrifices of me in the same movie. Ah, it's cool, a shy guy. I feel like I remember you saying, you were gonna save my life. You had that over me, neck, are you, right? No, no, okay. What happened to, who paid last time?

I feel like you. Remember your card got declined and so you're pay pal you were gonna Venmo me But hey, you know to his credit Chris does sacrifice himself for her this time with the crossbow and Chris jumps between her and the bolt. But it hits his Bible. It doesn't kill him at all. Bullet blocking Bible. Oh such good screenwriting. Oh yeah, no, no, we thought that was a check-offs Bible, but no, he fired the fucker. So, yeah, so Iggy's like, oh, you bested me with the old Bible blocking trick. I guess I'll leave. No, I'm fucking with you. I have a lasso in here that I'm going to last with your leg with as I leave. Now let's be clear, he has a sword.

Right? Yeah. Well, he brought a sword to a hot air balloon and tiny crossbow and lasso fight. He does not try to cut himself down for like 10 minutes. He's just like, if only I had a sharp weapon to slice through this rope. Right, right, right, I have a sword. I'll come myself down now. He's using the sword to block crossbow bolts

like a goddamn Jedi. He starts sawing the rope with the Bible. All right, this is not what, which thing? But eventually when they get all the way through Bucking Guitar Center guy's song, he thinks to cut himself down, right? Mm-hmm.

Which leads to more walking. What an awesome walk. I was walking. Jesus Christ. Oh, okay, so but this time it's bridge walking. That's totally different, right? Yeah, music note here. My pastor says, I sound just like Dolly Parton.

It's. My note here was they started to do another walking montage realized that this was the third fucking act, which is why the music just abruptly fades out. And we end up in a real scene where they're like, oh, fuck, we can't do montage again. Never mind, never mind. It's okay.

And this is where they come across. I'm gonna say a neon gingerbread prostitution plex. Yeah. Yeah. Are we looking at? This was bananas. Yeah, whole thing. When you're Christian, the temptations of Satan are a black light poster, everybody.

Oh, okay. This gets. So yeah, so they see this little weird gingerbread house in the woods. And Chris is like, let's go check that out and face like, I don't think that's a very good idea, but they go check it out anyway. He's like, it says not a trap on it in neon. What are you talking about? Yeah, exactly. But then, okay, so they go inside to discover all the filters in the effects program that they hadn't used yet in the movie. Okay, be a little honest. I watched this movie in chunks and I started to watch this move this chunk while I was super high and I had to turn the TV off and watch it again when I watched this completely sober and I had to turn the TV off and watch it.

This was like we will not be able to describe the weirdness of this goddamn sequence because we have to use fucking words, right? We watch disturbing movies like seriously, this is my goddamn nightmare. I really had to walk away. I don't like anything that happens for the next like 30 minutes of movie. It's so rough. So we're in this weird rotoscope cartoonish thing. It's, it looks like something that like your family would make you participate at a, in a fucking mall kiosk in the 90s and they mail you a goddamn

VHS tape six weeks later or something, it looks like that. And I went to anti-ans and got a bunch of pretzels. Have we met Luke yet? Because this is where we miss Luke. Yeah, this is, okay, so, yeah, Satan is taking them through his CGI paradise of gingerbread bordellowness. Or whatever. But as he greets them, he throws out nine mini-snickers, Max. Right? The first thing he does, it's the sad.

He's just like, oh, everything your dreams desire. Are these smarties? Yeah, they're smarties. One to eat. These fun size. Take one. One. I have all nine. I'm going to eat this. It's so dumb. And this is like the big moment where they're like, we know what kids love. And this, you know, proprietor of the gingerbread house who we're going to learn the identity of eventually I won't spoil it for you. He's just like, chores are stupid. Puppies are great. Candy,

karate, gay sex. Yes, these are the temptations of the fucking devil form. And it's just cartoony bullshit. So the kids are all like, you know, they're like, hey, like, you know, now that we don't appreciate the stuffed puppies in the lack of homework, but why are we all wearing these goofy ass looking sunglasses? Right? Yeah, the kids are like, oh, what happens if we take these off? And I want the devil to be like, well, your face melts off like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but another disappointment. No, none of the kids question that right?

None of the kids are like, oh, why didn't you design a fun palace that doesn't blind you if you don't wear protective eye wear. Silence. Well, and so this is electricity and everything like in the background is like batteries and and plugs and shit like that. And I'm just like, wait a minute, is this movie anti electricity is like this? Is this seeing about the dangers of electricity of neon? Yes. Spoiler alert. It kind of is.

Yeah. And honestly, scranten, Pennsylvania describes this pretty well. The electric city. Yeah. They call it that because the electric city. There's the seam where he's like, what do you want, kids? Anything you want? And the kids like, can I have a bike? And then you just of Lamely pulls a shitty bike from Where it was quote unquote hidden and he's like all right a bike There you go. You see you're you're passing most of it. Take a good. Oh, give me back to the Snickers. This is ridiculous. You guys are about everything In the back so but yeah, so the but the key here though is that you know faith wasn't so sure about this

But Chris sure is having fun not giving a fuck about Jesus anymore. So we watch like faith disappears and we watch Chris and Satan, the proprietor of this whole thing, Luke, fly through this computer-generated, terrible animation for, I don't know, three minutes or so. And they also, they fly, they surf and they practice karate together. No idea. No idea. I love, I'm just looking at the notes here and there's so much. What the fuck? What am I watching? What in God's name am I looking at? Yep. I literally left for a while here. I'm not, I'm not like exaggerating. I had to walk away.

Fermanin, I was like, is this another training montage or like what's happening? But what is he learning to do? We literally watch him watch TV and eat snacks as This is a part of this. Yeah. Yep. Oh, I missed that. Okay. Yeah. And I just want to throw this out there.

I had a very sad moment because I had twizzlers and vegan cheesy poovs just as on the camera. Chris had twizzlers and cheesy poovs. And I was like, all right, I wrote my notes. Man, that dude is eating cheesy puffs and twizzlers at the same time. Mad respect. That's some next level snack. And that just turns the camera. I guess you could say art imitates life.

Hmm. Eli. Classic. All right. All right. So, okay. So we cut off that montage for a second. Thank God for a scene where Iggy is reporting back to Satan.

This is the scene where we unseremoniously murder Iggy. Yes. Right. Like, like, he dies at the end of the scene, right? And this kid's moving. Okay, just making sure that we're all on the same page here. Yeah, Satan's like, hey, man, you know that kid you were supposed to catch. Did you catch him?

He's like, no, he's like, you know, that kid you were supposed to kill. Did you kill her? And he's like, no, and he's like, all right, I'm going to kill you with a giant robot. Motherfucker. And that's it. That's that whole scene. Then we cut back to Chris, who's now I guess all the way in the grips of cartoon debauchery. He's sitting there with his chips and he's got it. Apparently he's shoving chips in his face and drinking a soda through a twizzler, but he's got chocolates smeared around the edges of his mouth. This is some impressive shit, right? Like this is absolutely what Eli would look like if we got to take time off because of the quarantine.

Yeah. And again, just to emphasize, this is exactly what I looked like as I watched this scene of this movie, just, you know, without the fast metabolism. Like if Chris and slowly grown a beard and a microphone, I'd have been like, okay, okay, just to you Christian movie. He lies picking a cheeto off his fucking belly. Chris does the same thing at the same time. Jesus Christ. What's happening? I'm getting stranger than fiction. Camera pans over to fat pony getting stoned next to him on the couch. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. She's back. Just when you forgot that character existed at all in the story, she comes back and baby, that's feminism. On screen. Good feminism eventually

remembering a. And I have so much again, like who the fuck what purpose does she she's the narrator the narrator just came in Sad down on the couch and said all right, I feel like this scene has gone on long enough, right? Right, I unclip myself from the y-axis. I'm on the She may be like a metaphor for the Holy Ghost like what is the Holy Ghost. Like, who is the Holy Ghost in Christian mythology? Whenever they needed to be in the moment, I think, you know, there's such a long YouTube comment right now. Okay. His comment just got so much longer.

Oh, really? Who's the Holy Ghost? Well, let me tell you. Clack, all cats. Yeah, right. Right. But yeah, so she's like, hey? Well, let me tell you. Clock all cats. Yeah, right. Right. But yeah, so she's like, hey, man, you need to get up and get this movie going. And he's like, no, I have twizzlers and cheesy puffs. So fuck you. Watching Netflix. Yeah, right. And then after unsuccessfully trying to convince him to do

shit for like three minutes, she's like, oh, by the way, also, your love interest character was kidnapped and it's being held by an evil person that's torturing her. And he's like, oh, well, damn it. Why didn't you just fucking say that at the beginning? You could have led with that as opposed to cheesy poofs aren't good for you. Yeah, right. So, but then we cut to Satan. He's hanging out with imprisoned faith.

This, by the way, this is where I solved the riddle of Wyatt's electricity land. Because in Matthew chapter five, Satan is referred to as the light bearer. Oh, yeah. It is. Yeah. The bearer of life.

Yeah. Screenwriting once again. Yeah. No, they nailed this. Morning star light made of photons. Same thing. Yeah. And they can't show like a torture scene or anything. So Satan just sort of stalks back and forth in front of this teenage girl going like, do you have any idea how many followers I have on Twitter? All right. So and that we cut back to Chris with preacher ladies, she's trying to convince

them to take off the silly glasses, right? And he's like, well, all this cool stuff go if I take off the glasses and she's like, yeah, but you have to take them off anyway. And I thought to myself, oh my God, this is a direct preview of the eventual VR porn intervention that we're going to have with Heath, isn't it? What? That's true. I mean, there's a lot less struggling and buckets of water and he's clothed, but yeah, other than that, yeah, I can stop whenever I want. I want to stop if I didn't just because I have it on right now, I don't have to see anything. I'm taking it off right now. I'm taking it off. I'm taking it off. That's fun. Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm taking it off right now. I'm taking it off. I'm taking it off. That's fun. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine. Send me a picture of you with that off. Right now. Guy. No. He says he has graduation picture. So yeah, so he takes off his glasses because that was all the rotoscoping they could afford. And he finds himself in a hamster wheel. Yeah. How is it that you could think that you were sitting down, but actually be walking in the hamster way?

Read some day, Carte. This is that's basic philosophy. Oh, okay. And there's another girl there. And I only point this out because what's amazing is this was obviously supposed to be faith, right? But then she got captured. So they were like,

oh, and then faith to, oh. There's a, never mind, there's just a new girl sitting there. We'll need a similar word to faith. Oh, God, yes, this is where we meet. Hope. Her name is Hope, hope. And hope. Hope, I imagine her last name is Destiny or something like that. Hope, Destiny, McGuffin.

Yes. Hope would like to be in this movie now too. And he's like, yeah, no, that's cool. That's cool. I guess, okay. So she took her glasses off too and realized that she was in an evil hamster wheel of demise or something, whatever. Yeah, right? Right.

But that would make a female character kind of smarter than everybody else. So Chris has to fix that right away. She's like, yep, so good job. I'm the first to escape. Maybe I'll escape from this whole thing now and take you with me. And he's like, I good job. I'm the first to escape. Maybe I'll escape from this whole thing now and take you with me. And he's like, I'm male, I take you with me. What are you talking about? Just the adventures of hope, destiny, McGuffin. No, Chris Fable, fuck you. Also, I realized it's kind of like, it's like the matrix, right? Like the devil is just red-pilling everybody. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, I want anti feminist devil castle. Oh, I'm sure we'll find it eventually.

Like that's what we've been looking for this whole time. It's called YouTube. I found it. I found it. I was. All right. So, yeah. So him and hope escape right because he's still got his sword.

I guess Satan didn't think to take that when he put him in the hamster wheel. So he takes out his sword and he just starts, they walk into a room bill with pipes and gauges and start just hacking the shit up in a dungeon where all the prisoners are effectively blindfolded. That seems like a fucked up plan. Hey, towards the end of kids movies, things explode, right? Yeah. All right, let's just start fucking hitting shit, right? So yeah, so now everything's exploding. So they can run off and find face. I feel like you find face and then make everything explode. But hey, well, fuck the wine though, right? I'm not even a Christian.

Especially because like there are other characters who we've seen before. We've got the motorcycle girl gang wearing leather. They're back. We've got duck. Duck is there. But they feel like they blow up the building. What's all of them still inside, right? Yes. Yeah. We have a big building explosion a minute later. And we never like see all those characters running out of the building beforehand. We do not. We, I remember I recall correctly, we never see any of those characters

again. No, Chris and hope are just like, yeah, well, I mean, we got to keep the economy going. This is. Well, if you think about it, those were the kids that were most susceptible to being exploded. So, I'm going to explode in my robot. So, and then yeah, the building explodes and they run out, they hope in faith. Sorry, wait, I almost missed the moment where they passed the backdelt test. Amazing. Yeah, because they run into faith and he's like, hope hope faith and hope says to faith. Hi Hi, that's right

Flying colors that passes the Meaningful pass feminist Christian cinema Hey, you look compared to what we got on slate for next week, yes, yes. So, yeah. That's true. So, yeah, Chris is just like, hey, all right, faith chest of the virtue. This is hope guessing critually. Great. Backed out test nailed it. Caitlin, Caitlin, did you see that?

Yep. I loved it. All right, guys, well, we're almost Christian. We've had Heath and a cage. We have Caitlin's podcast with that Eli's eating habits. Why don't we get Noah's computer graphics and we're good to go. All right, speaking of it, now it's time for the giant red-eyed robot to show up. Like in the Bible.

Or like a pilgrim's progress. Yes. Either or you know how Pacific Rim was the Bible. Yeah. Come on, he the Bible makes more sense than Pacific Rim. I know that's true. Yeah. Exactly.

So, okay. So then the the bag Satan, he walks out and he's in his giant robot. He's controlling the robot Johnny Sackle style or whatever. He says, Hey, let me show you a show off all of these cool guns and flame throwers and shit. My robot has and that you can see Chris going like, fuck yeah, man, pocket Bible doesn't help. If you hit me with the flame throwers shit. Now that I have demonstrated the full power of 1994 after effects, will you surrender? Yeah, I mean, we can hear that you're trying to do a speech, but I can't really understand

the words. You're clipping a lot. Like a decent condenser mic in there. I don't know, you're Satan just for your robot. Well, yeah, so he's like, uh, he's like, all right, Chris, I need you to spy on the celestial city for me and help me get a spare parts to build more robots. And he's like, no. And Satan's like, what? All right. And then he shoots them all with a missile and they explode.

If the credits had come up here, this is my favorite movie. Just throwing that out there right now. Well, right, but don't worry. It turns out that that explosion just winged Chris. It was a flesh explosion. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. But faith is fucking dead.

Mm-hmm. Right? So the female character dies in order to move his storyline along. Again. That's feminism. Just kidding. But don't worry guys, his replacement girlfriend is right there already. They had already introduced her.

Yeah, hopes right there. She's like, ah, that sucks, but you don't forget faith. I'm kind of close to a synonym, right? We're fine. So, bomb is thing, right? So, yes, so now they have to run from the giant robot. It's shooting at him. Don't worry, it has fucking stormtrooper aim.

But eventually, it corners them at a clip. And I'm like, oh, that director's gonna throw your ass off of that clip. I know he's gonna throw him kids off that fucking clip. Yup. And Satan's like, oh, that director's going to throw your asses off of that cliff. I know he's going to get that fucking clip. Yep. And Satan's like, oh, you got so close. Look, just on the other side of the river there, Celestial city. And he's like, we can't look.

We don't really have the budget for that. He's like, right, no, we'll just imply, though, that it's over on the other side. It's literally the scene from South Park where the two angels are watching. Oh, this city is so amazing Cool, it was honestly not till this point when I realized that celestial city is Metaphor for So yes, so say it's like you'll never make it you have to bow down to me and Chris is like yeah I'll bow down to you, but just to get that slingshot out of his shoe

Remember from before not really okay, well, there's a slingshot or the cowboy gave it to him anyway So he slingshots the giant robot right in the fucking eye and that's apparently all it takes So he slingshots the giant robot right in the fucking eye and that's apparently all it takes to take out that fucking robot. Yeah, shouldn't have powered my robot via the windows. That's on me. That is on me. So, okay, so then like Satan crawls out, Luke crawls out and they have a sword fight him and this kid, which means that like we launched this grown man and this 13 year old kid have this fight where occasionally they will punch one another. Which is a fucked up thing to watch. It's pretty excellent.

Also, there's like lightsabers sparks coming off their swords. Why? I think they literally did that because they think that like that's what happens when you hit things together, not because white sabers are supposed to be lasers or whatever. Oh, she's well, I'll tell you speaking of the fucking sabers there, one thing I can say for sure about this movie, the actor that played Satan brought that sword from home. Sure. Okay. And he, him unveiling it was an incident on set.

He had it in a violin case. He was handcuffed to his wrist. He starts screwing it together like the pro with the pool queue. Yeah, it's correct. And correct me if I'm wrong. Hope is just watching this, right? Yep. Yes, 100% in case you were curious, like, is the female character who didn't die?

Is she perhaps doing anything in the scene? Not so much. Not so much. Nope, there is, there is, by the way, a fucking slingshot not being used here. I wanted to pick up an unused bag of cheesy poos, just be like, what? I'm fighting. But in case you guys weren't thinking this movie was feminist enough, it has the Thelma and Louise ending.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Now, Caitlin, just to fill you in, the pilgrims progress, the story and the movie we watched ends with him dying, right? So the pilgrim like drowns and that is the end of the pilgrims progress because that's the final thing you need to do to be with Jesus. And I was so excited. Yeah, he died. What? You have to die. Yeah, that's how you get to celestial city. Oh, sorry, it's a metaphor for Jesus.

I got lost in the amazing plan. So when these kids jumped off this cliff into a body of water, I was like, please let this movie end with the protagonist jumping to his dad. What? Manaphorically, that's it, right? Like that's what's supposed to have happened in this story. And when they, because they like, they jumps in and then we have like getting pulled out and put into a boat and faith is there. But we know that faith died, right? So like the movie's not being super subtle about that. Those two kids just jump to their

death. Yo, because the director wanted to heighten, heighten things from throwing kids down a hill, like tumbling down a hill to throwing them off a cliff. Yeah, right now, that's the progression of this movie was just ever steeper shit to throw kids down. Yeah. And so they jump off this cliff, and they get saved by, you know, a fisherman

with a fisherman's net. A fisherman of men. Yeah. Exactly. And I really wanted it to just be like an actual fisherman who's like, ah, the net. All right. And he just yells up to Satan on top of the cliff. Like, hey, I got more kids. You want to come down and grab them? I got a couple of a minute. You run these guys off the cliff. Yeah, they always jump.

I don't know why. I know. So yeah. Oh, and then, okay, so they go to heaven or whatever. And then we cut to this preacher lady, who has been apparently telling this story to her congregation the whole time, which means if you think about it, that this fucking congregation walked in the preacher's shows up. She turns to all of them and she goes, guys, I had this fucked up crazy dream last night. Let me tell you all about, right? That was their Sunday sermon. Oh, I wanted so badly for someone to raise their hand and be like, sorry, question.

In your dream, you were the wise guide to the hero? Oh, that's your dream? Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then after they revealed it was all the dream that she had in the story she's telling, we cut back to the movie, to the universe that was just her dream to wrap things up, right? Like Satan gets out of his, his robot and shittiness, like walking towards the back towards his

electrowave or whatever and all the kids come running at him. I'm like, oh my god, they're going to go over the cliff like Lemmings, aren't they? So according to this movie, she just like nodded off a sleep during that sermon. Sorry. I had to see a post script about the devil. Also, these kids, by the way, it's perhaps my favorite special feature in a movie we've watched in a really long time. There's one kid at the back left who is, shall we

say, full-bodied, who is very much not running at the devil. He's got those cheesy poofs, does he? Yeah, it's pretty awesome. All right. Well, you know what? That's the fucking finish line. Far more arduous journey for the people on our side of the screen. I gotta be honest with you. And those characters died at the end. So, but we made it. We made it to the end. Caitlin, thank you so much for suffering alongside us today. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for having me. I had such a blast. Truly. Awesome. Glad to hear it. And if our listeners want to hear more from you, where should they go?

You can check out the Bechtelcast. Again, that's my feminist movie podcast that also figures out of movies past the Bechtel test, which I am now tempted to cover the adventures of Chris Bable, this monumental cinematic masterpiece that's so important to American cinema. But yeah, check that out. You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Caitlin Durante. Awesome. Awesome. And of course, this movie needed a brilliant image. Macy to like pass the backdelt test getting an extra time or whatever All right, well, of course, we'll have all of that linked in the show notes as well And well that's gonna do it for our review what you sound different audience

You're the one that sounds different now. Well, that's gonna do it for our review of the adventures of Chris Fable That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to take with you with anticipation So Eli tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, when times are darkest, when we rely on medicine to keep us safe and alive, it's important to remember that medicine is also 100% trying to kill us with fluoride in the water. Oh, for the Fox sake. We'll be watching the documentary from the guy who was in the electronics department of Race to Witch Mountain. The great calling our water. It's on Amazon pride.

I'm gonna go grab some anti-cavity fluoride mouthwash for the site. All right, that's a hell of a setup. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up so 243, one merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Caitlin Durante for hanging out with us today

and perhaps even a huge of thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, by the way,

be sure to check out our sibling shows. This is SkatingAid, the AscitationNeeda, D&D Minus and the Skeptocrat available wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email that off on movies.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robins and Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slottingle, People in Drafts, Hound and Mars.

All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life week for Heathenright Eli Bosnick. I'm No Lusions, promise to work harder and another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Club. Everyone at Evangeline's Church went on to die of coronavirus. Deserve it. Fat Pony shot us an email and eventually got the spin-off movie we all need.

Iggy kept asking if everyone would be okay with switching to Skype. Everyone was not okay. Switching to Skype. The man in the cage is now a skeleton in a cage. I don't cook in that plastic science. Thanks for the face. Oh yeah? Like what? How about the slumber box?

Which comes... sorry. I'm looking over a biocell duma cover for a second. I'm making sure I got that. I get a question too. I'm being over a bio so do make a cover for a second. I'm sure I got. I get a question too. I'm being fucking questioning with it. Tie. A proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.