God Awful Movies - 245: Alison's Choice

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

On this week’s episode: Eli, Noah, and Heath combine forces with veteran guest masochist, science communicator, producer, journalist, podcaster, television host, neuroscientist, and prank war target Cara Santa Maria to review the anti-choice propaganda movie Alison's Choice. --------------------- You can find Cara on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/CaraSantaMaria Check out Cara's podcast here: Talk Nerdy --------------------- Get great deals while supporting the show by checking out our sponsors: https://forhims.com/gam https://boxofawesome.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://adamandeve.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://mejuri.com/awful --------------------- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And he turns to when he goes that, I like a little spunk in a girl and I'm like that job security, right? Of course, obviously. It's so disgusting. I remember being on a job once and the show was a Tuesday airing show and they kept doing my sig off as see a next Tuesday. And I was like, guys, I can't say. You next Tuesday, and I was like, guys, I can't say. You next Tuesday. I just do not know what that means. And they like didn't get it for the first time. Please script right.

I'm so sorry. It's easy. Do you think about it? God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left as my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know, it's a great movie to not force a guest into watching. This movie, hopefully we didn't make any guests watch this movie. Well, we're about to find out,

I guess, but first we have to turn to 900 miles to my northeast where we'll find my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. No, you know, it's an amazing prank war All right, so speaking of which we're also excited to welcome back a special guest massacres Carousenimrius Wikipedia page as quote, science communicator, producer, journalist, podcaster, television host, and neuroscientist, just like only person I know can throw in an oh yeah, and on neuroscientist. I am very stoked, though, by the way, to see podcaster listed higher on the resume than that.

I feel really fucking good about my career choices. She's the host of talk, nerdy, ethical host of the skeptics guy to the universe. Carro, welcome back. Hey, I'm not a hundred percent thrilled to watch that movie, but I'm happy to be talking to you guys. Oh boy, yeah, right. Like, you know, we once in a while, we watch movies that are at least not this bad. Although I will say one time we watch the movie about a good guy protagonist kidnapping three women who are going to have an abortion and then forcing them to go through with the pregnancy.

So this is also not the worst. It's ever a bad. Oh, okay. So yeah, just I want to add Robert Lozia though. It really did. It actually did. It actually did. All right.

It's sequel. This one very much did not have Robert Lozio, but tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Alison's Choice. It's the story of a fetus that was super duper rooting for its unemployed teen mom to get an abortion. And how Jesus showed up and tried to ruin the whole fucking plan. And do you lie how bad was this movie? So Yeah, no correct. Sorry formatting. Okay.

Well, if you've been dating Pureflix for a while and it's time for all the crazy to come out. You love, Mesmo. We have made fun of 244 plus Christian films on this show. And I'm not going to lie. Sometimes there's a little voice back in my head that says, oh, Eli, folk are just folk. Maybe don't find a 16th metaphor for what David A.R. White's forehead looks like. This movie reminded me. Nope. You're good.

You are right. Fine. Many metaphors as you want. Usually I don't come away from these things mad at the gaffer, but God damn it, Dwight Lay, you should have known better. All right. How dare you? Yeah. Yeah. All right. So now, like I said, we've watched worse movies than this. I got to ask Kara, have you watched worse movies than this? Oh, I don't know if I gosh. I wasn't really actively comparing it the whole time I was watching it, but I did probably exclaim at least 400 times.

This is the fucking worst movie I've ever seen. So I don't, maybe not. Maybe not. The weird thing is, why was this on Amazon? Okay. So here's the thing though, like Amazon is like 40% YouTube, right? Like 40% or something of the movies that are on Amazon are basically just YouTube.

They just make sure that the movie is movie-length and that's it. And a lot of people don't realize that. They think that everything on Amazon that they're, you know, since it's a service that they pay to have, is not gonna be just user generated content, but a ton of it is. But this is also like weirdly, and like, okay, it's not a high budget movie

because they spent their whole budget on the CGI fetus. They sure did. And then they shot the rest of it in one location. But it's not like a cheat movie. Like you can tell that they actually had like a real crew and they hired like acting class actors. We have no twilight lights or legitimate gaffer, yeah. And you could also tell, I mean, it's like it wasn't like a garbage production.

It was just a garbage film. Yes. Yeah. Well, so this is something that you get used to when you watch Christian movies, like these bizarrely well-funded movies where they go to these churches and they say, you know, like, well, if you guys all put the money together, we can make a great movie about the evils of abortion. And so they have like plenty of money and they have people who actually know what they're

doing. But then they have this script and these actors and up and like even like, you know, cinematographers that are like, oh, well, I guess I'm never going to get legitimate work now, but I really did. You know what they should have done? They should have got Robert Loja as the CGI fetus and say, then it's my favorite movie. Yeah. Right now you've ruined it for me.

Burst me. I want you to birth me. Come on, Mommy. Reconcida. All right. So is anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of me the worst out? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst planned parenthood interior design.

Okay. First of all, in their break room, this is crazy. They have one of those inspirational posters on the wall, corporate speak inspirational posters. There's not enough synergy to grab the low hanging fruit at the subortion clinics. They have stupid shit like that. Think outside the box. No, okay, well, that's too much. But it says that one was a dinker. You heard that. The poster they actually have says potential. So first of all, fuck you. Yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes. As well say viability as opposed to And just one other example of the decorating, they had me baffled throughout the movie.

I couldn't stop thinking about this. There's an empty fish tank. Right. In the waiting room. That's the first thing I wrote down. Okay. I'm not crazy. Like that's the same.

Why is this tank empty? I have a theory. They ran out of feeders and needed something else to kill at some point right? They went after the turtles. Okay, I was thinking like maybe it's a metaphor like there's no fish, no Jesus in that air. I don't know.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. All right. But what the fuck? Who puts an empty that's not appropriate. Like Bobby from Queer Eye showed up was like, I'm thinking we go vague, dark metaphor. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, and to be clear, it wasn't an empty fish tank in the sense that it was just a glass

like jar. It was a fully designed fish tank with no water or water. With no water. Right. fully designed fish tank with no water or water. With no water, right? Right, right. There were like rocks and like fake, you know, like corals and shit in it, but there was no fish or water. Really dark. Fucking weird one.

Care, you got any best worst? I mean, for me, this was the best worst advertisement for atheism, Ivan counter. This is personally. This just, this movie, like, and we'll get there, but Jesus is like the creepiest petto you've ever encountered in your life. Or God, Jesus, I guess they're going with the traditional trinity in this one, because he's the same dude.

And everything about this movie makes me so happy that I left the church when I was 15 years old. that I left the church when I was like 15 years old. Because if I hadn't then, and then I saw this movie, that would have been, you know, the straw. That's what I'm saying. I think this movie will probably de-convert more people than it will, you know, convince to, what do they kill babies? That's what he said the most.

Yeah, exactly, that's the medical term. Yeah, it can kill mommy's baby. Mommy's babies. Yeah. Oh, no, here's a, here's a really fucked up one for you, Karen. I'm going to blow your mind with this one. That actor that plays Jesus in that. That's Bruce Marciano, the writer and director of this film. He has a whole TV show called The Encounter where he plays creepy pito Jesus and he just pops in and does this kind of shit. This is just like the movie version of that. No, is he usually a janitor? He's always something like that. Yeah, in latency. And he's he also ties in to two other movies which we've already watched and the encounter too. Yep. Pito Jesus has a cinematic universe that I can say for sure no and heath are more familiar with than the All right, so I had I switched this out at the last minute because I found this this morning and it was so goddamn amazing

I'm going with best worse line that I've ever encountered in an Amazon review. Oh, bold. Okay. So the review is absolutely every bit is disgusting as you would expect a five star review on this movie to be Arthur literally thanks his father for quote not letting his mother have an abortion when she was pregnant with him. You late in the review. Yes. Yes.

Oh, it is disgusting. But then he adds and I love this. So goddamn much. And I quote, read the one. And this is definitely Arthur Scott. Damn, action. Don't tell me this is an art. I got this dad asked on read the one star reviews in since who is behind them. Oh, it's the devil. It's the devil. I think he thinks it's the WHO. I think that's the same difference. Same difference.

Yeah, he's talking about you. And see, I took the easy road. I was going to go with best worst racism. Oh, yeah. That's what I thought first and then I was taken. We've seen a lot of magical black best friends in our career with Christian cinema, but this reaches like chicken any hate crime. Yes, I agree. Yep. And keep in mind as you were going to all this racism, Bruce Marciano, Pito Jesus wrote all those lines. Just get out. Sure did.

Make sure of all coming out of his mouth. All right. Well, tell you what, obviously Arthur the Amazon reviewer is on to us. So we're going to need a second to reconfigure our satanic strategy. So we're going to pause for a quick break. When we come back, we'll dive into all the G grade propaganda that is Allison's choice. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for Allison's choice. Right. Let's do it. Sorry. Okay. Sorry. I thought about a woman choosing.

Yes. Well, that is very scary. Yeah, maybe we should change the title. Oh, yeah, good idea Let's definitely change the title. No, I look we picked this title and we're sticking with it So it's about a girl who's gonna get an abortion, but janitor God stops her. Yeah, from the encounter. And the encounter too. Great call back. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, everyone has seen those movies. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, exactly.

And along the way, she meets an evil counselor. The doctor nurse. You know what, let's go with all of them. I love it. An evil counselor then doctor, then nurse, but she's helped to see the light by her sassy black friend. Whose name is? Yeah, Claire.

Claire. No, I said black friend. Mammy. You know, still not racist enough? Little two racist. Wow. Okay. Lucretia.

Perfect. Perfect to men or racist, yeah. Lucretia perfect perfect a manner racist. Yeah And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a guy trying to guilt his girlfriend into fucking him But it's a Christian movie so they can't even Use fuck you from The movie oh It was pretty pretty rough There was one line in here that I love though, because one push he goes, Oh God. And he's like, Oh God, really?

You're going to throw out an atheism slur like that. Get woke. Okay. Oh God. Also, in the middle of this really upsetting date rape scene, he says, What do you think I'm stupid? Like does she think you're so stupid that your come works? That's not generally.

It happens. Yeah, I couldn't really tell if she was not wanting to have sex without a condom or if she was just not wanting to have sex at all, but either way, it did feel like a g-rated rapeseed. Yeah. But that's the fuck a thing about it. That's what happens. Yeah, because they can't tell you what's going on because I think they're going for the condom thing, right? But they can't say condom or penis or any thing like that. So it really does feel like a date rape type scene. I wrote my notes. You're like, well, yeah, she's telling you she doesn't think your dick is safe. She's known you longer than I have, but I feel the same way, bro. Also, this is a Christian movie.

And based on what we're going to learn about the moral world of the people who made this movie, I don't know that they know that this is right. They're just like, you know, they do not write. Right. Oh, no, he has needs. That boy has needs. How dare she not fulfill his male needs. Wow. Yeah. Who the fuck knows? Honestly, where this movie goes? Who the fuck knows? Fucking the show and

it's a good guy in this movie. So who the fuck knows? All right. So now we get the whole opening montage, which is Juneau, like the whole fucking movie, right? So we start off she's she's driving down. Okay, first of all, she's driving on the road. The camera is literally pointing directly at the sun through a dirty car window. And the movie just, it's just like, Hey guys, just get used to it. It's not getting better than this. Seriously, my first notice, I can't see the movie. Like, this is real. I actually started to get up to close my blinds on my partner.

But it was the movie just layering in mind. The movie was doing that. It's also a super weird tone shift, right? Because it plays the like Juno lady with a guitar music, which again is very, very rapid of a shift from a pressured sex in the back of a Honda Accord. Runs just like do do do do do do. Yeah, right. So do this montage. We learned that she's pregnant and her boyfriend seems to be being a bit of a unhelpful

douche bag about it. Yeah, but it's all in montage. Yeah, exactly. Holy montage, like music over top, like minimal acting. And a lot happens in this montage, like to the extent that I was a little worried that there would be no movie left. And I was right.

Yes. That is correct. That is correct. I would have much rather the montage had been the movie. And this had been a montage at the end. Yes, exactly. They had an exactly fucking backwards. But yes, so the montage ends with her pulling up at an abortion

clinic, right? Oh, we need a button on these things like pureflix, Amazon, they need a button that you can just montage a shitty movie and just like speed up. Oh, always plays wake up darling over it. I'm in. I'm in. So. All right. So she's going into the abortion clinic. She checks Earth's fourth cell phone. Apparently she doesn't have any messages. Yes. Why are the bones always so out there? This movie was not made in 1837. Why couldn't she have a phone that would have been modern by the standards of when the movie was made. This movie was made in 2015. 2015.

Wow. And she's using like a sidekick. Yes. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom.

She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She's done something with her mom. She goes into this abortion clinic waiting room where basically the entire goddamn movie is going to take place.

Yes. This is where we see the empty fish tank for the first time and everyone has a lot of notes. So confusing. I can't get it out of my head. It's the most salient part of the whole montage. Yeah, right. All right. And so, okay. So then she's in the abortion clinic. The music starts to fade.

The montage ends. We're about to meet Lucretia, the African American lady who gets the norm greeting at Planned Parenthood apparently. Oh, this character is upsetting. By the way, we can't even call this plan parenthood because that's like an insult to plan parenthood. Yeah, right. Right. There is nothing plan parenthood

like about this abortion clip. I have so many things to say about how many laws they're breaking. Oh, so many. It's like hip violation through and through. Like they have a speaker so that they can say people's full names outside of the clinic. can say people's full names. Yes, I think the clinic.

Hey, say upwards to the street. Yeah, legal. They're like giving away personal information in front of a full waiting room. It's insanity. Oh my God. So yes, so she goes up there and she's like, you know, I don't know what to put under father because you know, I don't know if he put under father because, you know, I don't know if he'd want to be and this character, Lucretia speaks up and she goes, I always just

leave the father part blank every single time I come here for an abortion. I have eight punches with this one after this one. I get free one next time on my card. Oh, God, this was, yeah, that was, that was a rough intro. Oh. It was bad. It was like, and it was all the exposition in like one moment. So it was basically like, I'm a scared white girl who's never done anything wrong in my life,

and I don't know what to put on the form. And then Lucretia's like, I'm the sassy black character who's been here a hundred times. I can walk you through this girl. Let me tell you about that trashy childhood. And you're just like, no, no, please. No, no, no, no, no. It's so bad.

I was yelling at this like it was a scary movie. I was like, no, no, please, please. Please don't write those lines for that actress to read. Please, it's in digital format. She can't escape them. So. And it's not just her. It's like in this world, sassy Lucretia is like, you know, kind of garnishes an eye roll from every single person.

You know, it's like, ooh, that's just Lucretia. Yeah, well, right again, they all know her. She's a regular here. She's just arguing about her app card. She does that when she comes in. She's like taking selfies the whole time. She was just like, well, she's rating. She's bored so she's just taking like duck face selfies on her phone.

Yes, her pre-abortion selfie. Fun fact about her pre-abortion selfies. We will later see her phone. It does not have a front facing camera because she is also, she's just examining her phone in the light occasionally and making duck faces. Yeah, exactly. No, but she takes a selfie inside of that happens in the movie. Oh, yeah, more than once. Multiple selfies. Yeah. Hashtag, not a mother's day. Oh, and now in addition to Lucretia, we're also going to meet Miss glow, Miss glow. That's short for glory, but they were going for some halo thing or something.

Oh, you're right. God, I didn't pick up on any of that. Uh, you know, a 245 of these buckets in and it all gets real obvious to you. So, so she is the concerned abortion receptionist that secretly wants to save Allison's penis, right? But but I'm confused by this because like she actually seems like the best actress in the film by far. She actually seems like a real character like she's relatable. She's a little bit sort of not one dimensional. But then, and we'll get there.

But when she sends a counselor, and I put that in heavy quotes, the counselor that she sends is trying to talk Allison into having the abortion, right? I was not clear. It switched during the scene, right? Like they started writing the scene and they were like, fuck, which side are we on?

We titled it choice. Yeah. So I don't, I don't really understand the motivation of Miss Glow. I bet you when she was reading her side, she was like, what's my backstory? Who's to be? It's a little hard to tell. Yeah. And okay. And it starts off with this ridiculous goddamn line right here, right? So Alison's about to go sit down after she's turned into her abortion forms and Miss Glow pulls her back and she whispers to her. She says, I could lose my job for asking this, but are you sure? No, you could lose your job for not asking that.

You had to say that. I love just to sign of form and everything. I love the world that the Christians inhabit where you walk into the abortion clinic and the nurses like great, strap it down. You sure about this too slow? Go. All right. Count down.

Countdowns are for other clinics, not here in the clan parents. And then oh god, and then speaking of which we meet the abortion Nazi nurse, the cat lady. Oh, you know what my favorite part about her is? They use the same B-roll every time she walks down the hall. They do. They only walk and sing. Which means she was probably really bad at acting walking. And I only got one.

But it's only from her knees down. Yeah. We see an over and over again. And she makes the long walk or so whatever it is. So she steps into the waiting room and she's like, feed me. She more. She holds the fucking bloody cleaver above her head. And the next girl goes back. She'll do this over and over again in the movie

I loved her so much she was great by the way every time someone goes back for an abortion the movie plays identical music Yes, the sad walking away music from the end of the whole game sad walking away music from the end of the whole. Yeah. I'm all right. And tell me that we didn't all simultaneously crack up in this moment, because so the one girl goes back to get her abortion. Allison's sitting there and God starts vio and all over the place, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is when, yeah, this is when the vio starts. Yeah, God starts talking about it like just God's voice cuts in to say,

Alison, I love you and your unborn baby, but, but like, we're watching a very tight shot of Alison right now. And so we kind of assume that like the next guy over at the waiting room is saying all this shit at first, right? Yeah, you can quite tell until it's like weirdly personal. And it's a little bit like a tacky, like is she sitting there with like a semi-sad, but semi just like spaced out look on her face. And then he's just like, nobody's ever loved you.

Like he'd hate to read like, yeah, he'd yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am fascinated to know what Kara's experience to this moment was because it pans up and it's the janitor that me Heath and Noah recognized from the encounter in the encounter too, but for Kara's experience it was just like, oh, that's the janitor saying that. It wasn't even right away. It took him talking for another like two whole sentences before I was like, that's the same voice. Yes. sentences before I was like, that's the same voice. Yeah. Oh, like the God voice, like the voice of God, like they would call it in, you know, cinema, like the voice of God is actually supposed to be God. And I think they're trying to make this janitor God.

Like it was a whole, like calculus, you know, I was the meme with like, you know, the fucking algebra. That's my head for a minute. That neuroscience education was coming in handy. There you go. All right. I think that's a little glass of pain. You're doing an equation.

And also, you guys know this guy because you've seen him in other movies. I've never seen this guy before, but all I can think is that it's Bizarro Steve Carell. That's all I need. The same time. Yeah, I have him down as the monkey from 28 days later got clean and found Jesus. Oh, and I also wrote, Allison is literally the worst actress of all time. Oh, she's so bad. So bad.

To be fair, she could be reading her lines at gunpoint. I mean, I know the script for this movie. And if that was the case, she did great. That's true. And they make her, they make her like the most one-dimensional, like honestly mentally ill character. And it's kind of sad because she does really seem like she has like some sort of personality disorder or maybe like some sort of like Stockholm syndrome, I think, where she's just so anxious

and so oppressed and so nervous and really, really has horribly low self esteem that she just giggles uncontrollably and is constantly apologizing to everybody for everything she says. And you're like, God, this poor girl, she's ill. Yeah. Right. And the thing is is that they're like, they're clearly like at least in Bruce Marciano's mind when he wrote these lines for her, it was supposed to be like the, you know, charmingly nervous. Yeah. It doesn't. Right. Right. But the way she plays it, it is like, it's like a personality disorder. It's like, oh, wow. Yeah. She's going to talk to me with a puppet. Isn't she? Okay. That's why there's something that is very, like, this girl has such low self-esteem

that she's, like, she plays the character of a girl that could easily be, you know, if you were like a cult leader and you were on the hunt, like, she would be the girl that would be like, you know, have, have you, do you want to come hang out and meditate with me? Like, they would be a thing there because she's got such low self esteem. Yeah, I stole this from my wife, but when I finished the movie and it turned to me and said, Bruce Marciano thinks this movie is Juno, but this movie is what Bruce Marciano got kicked out of the theater for yelling at Juno.

Wait, so you made your wife watch this movie with you? She's eight months pregnant. If I'm doing something in the living room, she's just there for it at this point, you know. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect movie for third trimester. Yeah. So and also again, okay, so this in this moment, so what's happening on screen is the janitor who we all know is Jesus, is, you know, just kind of like chatting with her. And she still thinks he's just a regular janitor. But the way this plays is that this is a 50 year old man flirting with an 18 year old girl at an abortion clinic, right?

Oh, absolutely. Like, the first line he says to her when it's no longer Vio is May-I and she's like, what? And he's got his little brumy moth thing and he's like, May-I? And she's like, oh, you want to clean under my feet, which who the fuck does that in a waiting room? Especially a doctor's office waiting room. And then she's like, tries to get up and he's like, no, please just sit there and like lift your legs up so I can clean underneath them.

That's an actual fuck. That happens. It's the first thing that happens. It's so creepy. I wanted her to be like, hey, just a quick question. Did you say I love you like a dozen times? Just me? And then I'm going to be like, no, what? That's no, that's Steve on the PA. We have the same voice. Steve say something on the PA just so it's clear what's happening. I'm going to be on the PA. Yeah. It's been Trilla Quest, dummying the PA. Also, like soon we realize that she's the only one that can see him, but until then,

she's talking to him and nobody else seems to notice that she's talking to nobody. Even after she knows, yeah, exactly, even after, like, yeah. But then we also later see that they're also talking to invisible janitors all the time. I wanted somebody to stand up in the middle of this abortion and go, hey, are we all talking to different invisible janitors right now? Like, what is actually happening?

Really wanted to listen in on some of those invisible janitor conversations. Stop saying problem of evil. All right, you know what, never mind. All right. So yeah, and then like she breaks her phone and defends her deadbeat boyfriend who's supposed to be there, but he's not, right? Rick. Yeah, Rick, right. Yeah. So she goes outside to call Rick. He doesn't answer. She leaves him, I'm at the abortion clinic alone message, but she's such a bad actor that at certain points,

I think she forgot whether she was supposed to be leaving a message or faking a conversation. Oh. Yeah. At one point, she's like, yeah, okay, that sounds good. Oh, no, this is a message. I wouldn't say that stupid. Bye.

Hello. Well, no, you're not there. Come back. What? I thought you said something. You're a writer? I'll put my throat a right. Faro one.

Yeah, right, yeah. Oh my God. Well, and then, okay, so like she gets done with this, leaving a message form, she gets off the phone and fucking Janet or Jesus, Pito Jesus has been standing right behind her, listening into her phone call the entire time. Yep. And then starts telling her

how she should dump her boyfriend. Exactly. A lovely young woman like yourself deserves a guy who will treat her like a lovely young woman like yourself deserves a guy who will treat her like a lovely young woman like yourself. This is the beginning of a horror movie. Also, we get one of my favorite lines in the movie here where he says he's been working there since 1973. Oh, I can get that. Because that's when abortion started. Apparently, before they were legal, he never tried to talk women out of him.

Yeah. So just to be clear, Jesus, the son of the God of the universe, got a job at Planned Parenthood in 1973 and is just really slow playing this whole thing. And more importantly, he was watching like abortion's take place in a dentist's offices before that and he was like, good. This is fine. Yeah, right. Exactly. I love this line too, where she's like, you know, boy, I wish my dad talked to me the way you talk to me, Janet or Jesus. And he's like, yeah, I wish my dad didn't torture me to death as part of his confluence and forgiveness plan. We all fucking want stuff. Don't wait.

It's actual line is to get a look up and go like, yeah, not all dance are perfect. I can't. I'm really fucking. I got murdered me. I mean, I had to revive myself out of a fucking cave. It was ridiculous. It's been days in hell. It was awful.

Is this when he like shows her his stigmata? Oh no. Oh no. Yeah, that's a little bit later, but yeah, I was gonna get there. He shows it off like the scene from Jaws where they're like pulling out their legs. Oh, it's strange.

But she's going like, she's like, but Pito Jesus, my abortion isn't making me as happy as the ones in the commercials do am I doing it wrong? And then like Pito Jesus lays it all on the line and tell us her I think you should have to baby and Of course he hasn't revealed himself to be Christ lord and savior yet. So it's just like yeah, but you know You met me eight minutes ago and are just some creepy guy listening to my phone So you met me eight minutes ago and are just some creepy guy listening to my phone conversation. So fuck you.

Have you not seen the encounter and the encounter too? I'm always Jesus just so you know, to be clear, otherwise. I mean, a movie. Come on. All right. Watch a pure fix limited series. Come on. Which got a midseason cancellation.

Yes. Five pure flips itself. Not even an art record, though, in case they get taken off the, uh, the internet somehow. I'm running the, I'm on a deep end right. All right. So then we have to meet a new character like who rushes into the movie as though she were late for the opening fucking credits. Her name is Marta.

You know, like the buses in Atlanta. Now I have a question, because Karen, you're actually training to be a licensed therapist, right? Yeah, like I'm a fourth year now, almost a fourth year PhD student in clinical psych. When do they teach you to do the drive-by therapisting at the Borscht Center? Is that, did you get to that year yet?

Is that a whole week? Yeah, everything I wrote here, like is she a real counselor or is she a counselor for Jesus, which is not a thing? Right. Because like the first thing she does, the first thing she legally would have to do is have Allison sign an informed consent.

Right? I'm going to treat you now. These are the legal requirements of that. This is a safe space. If you tell me that you are feeling like you want to harm yourself or others, I have a duty to protect. Like all this stuff, she doesn't do any of that. She drives up and she's like, I'm your counselor.

Like, no. Okay. I'm dying. She's there for five whole minutes. She drives up by the way and doesn't even park all the way in her space. No. She's like half in her bargey space walks up

to Allison who's sitting on a park bench outside. And it's like, I'm your counselor, Glow sent me, okay. And then she starts talking about herself the whole time. She's like, let me tell you about my life kid. Never asks her any questions. And then it's like, oh, by the way, abortion counselors earn high demand. I have to leave good luck with your life. And you're like, kid, never asks her any questions. And then it's like, oh, by the way, abortion

counselors are in high demand. I have to leave good luck with your life. And you're like, wait, what? And we never see her again. And also right before she leaves, she's like, shit, I gotta go. I'm gonna tell you a bunch of personal information. Yeah. I'm like, so you're gonna tell you how much worse she's got than your ass. Yes. This is basically like we should show this scene in ethics class because it's like all the things you never wanted to is a therapist and you will lose your license. But obviously this woman is not a licensed therapist.

I think she's supposed to be an angel, but they got confused halfway through because she started telling her that she should have an abortion. So maybe she's supposed to be an angel, but they got confused halfway through because she started telling her that she should have an abortion. So maybe she's a devil. Yeah. So like I thought what we were going for here at first before she starts endorsing abortion is that, you know, that misglow secretly is anti-abortion and calls in this Christian crisis pregnancy center counselor. Yeah.

And I was, I was right in my notes like notes like I bet this shit exactly this shit happens all the time. Of course. Yeah. Of every day of course. And it's like it's the mom from American pie. Yeah. And then notice that like it was a thorough version.

No, not literally her, but it looks exactly like her. I looked on right IMDB page trying to figure out where the fuck I recognize. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. No, she's Stiffler's mom and she looks just like Stiffler's mom. Yeah. All the guests for guest movies. She's the shop right brand. That's true.

Also, one question on maybe that ethics class you got doing a certain therapy at the end of your conversation, if you're a drive drive by therapist like this, would you ask about the person's exotic eyes and what race they are? Is that appropriate? I almost forgot about that. Did she say something like you got a little Asian in you? Yeah, something crazy. Well, no positive.

I mean, positive. I like Asian eyes is what I'm okay. Bye. Never mind. Yeah, she got. I mean positive. I like Asian eyes is what I'm okay. Bye. I never mind. Yeah, she goes What I'm sorry inappropriate The movie realized that after it said that that's so weird we cut with an hilarious though if her boyfriend It's all the guy who wrote it was like she looks a little Asian people are gonna ask people are gonna ask. We have to address. I think you're right.

All I'm asking is that you end your first counseling session, Kara, by asking everyone if they're an octa-run. I think it'll send us a good tone. All right. This screen tested this and people will ask, what percentage, what is the main character? We need it to be said. Seven, eight. So, okay.

So, I'll laugh. All right, that's fine. All right, so, yes, so she drives away. And this is where Alice was just realized that no one can see Pito Jesus but her, which there's no reason for her to realize that. And she's just like, wait a minute. No one can see you but me. It's like,'re in a shitty movie. And I love this line,

so goddamn much he goes, well, I'm not a ghost and I'm not an angel and I'm not. He looks down and goes, you know, who that leaves only one option. And I'm like, the janitor at the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, planet, the planet, planet, the planet, the planet, planet, the planet, the planet, the planet, planet, the planet, planet, the planet, the planet, planet, planet, planet, the planet, planet, the way, I can go with so many non-Jesus options. And even if he is supposed to be some sort of like spirit or God, like, hello, Christianity's not the only religion. Like there are a lot of religions with lots of gods. Like what even? Oh, crazy billionaire remake. She's like, Jesus. And he's he's like no Vishnu turns into the seven tongue got up destruction Yeah, right I

Just want a movie where like he does this to like a D and D nerd chick and she comes up with 3700 things he might be asked about okay, wait, I'm just now to the geez all right So now she's gonna oh gosh, so she goes back I'm just now to the G's. All right, so now she's gonna, oh gosh, so she goes back into the clinic now, right? Cause she doesn't want to talk too many more. So she's gonna chat with Lucretia, the abortion veteran. And then, janitor Jesus is just gonna stand there staring at her like a stalker the whole time.

Alison also asks if it's okay for her to say the word janitor. It's like, it reminds me of when Steve Carell if it's okay for her to say the word janitor? I don't think it's on a piece of... It's like, it reminds me of when Steve Carell in the office was doing the racial sensitive training, and he's like, is there a better word than Mexican? And the Mexican's not a fancy. It's like, he's just like, I hate to say it,

but like janitor. Yes, that's the thing you're concerned. You have a J word in the room and he's bothering me. And meanwhile, Lucretia's over there being like, I got 19 of postures. Hey, Lucretia, question. Should we say Janet, uh, what do we say? What?

What if it's in a song, Lucretia? Can I sing the word, Janet? Lucretia, what percentage black are you? Just to ask everybody. Tonahashi Co-check. And she... All right, so with the receptionist tells her, no, there's no janitor.

So she walks back over to him, and then we have that fucking weird moment where like, she's like, you don't look like Jesus. Do you? And he does the wacky morphs right where he's like, oh, I could show up as the Burger King mascot's dead. I could be this kind of Jesus. Like that.

I think I look like God. I'll prove it. See, Dumbledore. Nope. He's gay. Uh, I kind of liked that scene. It was fun. I was not excited. 245 God fucking. I kind of liked that scene. It was fun. I was not excited.

245 movies in. I never expected to see that. So yeah, it worked. It was like campy and it kind of worked. But the weird thing too is that she looks over at him at one point. I don't remember why or under what circumstances. But he's, it's like that thing where the actor's not good enough to like cry in scene. So they had to cut away from him. And then when they cut back to him, he's got like tears in his eyes. Do you remember this? And what's happening? Absolutely. I remember that. They had to cut away from him

punching himself in the face of me. I come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me. Like, why was he crying? Do you guys know? Well, because that came right after they called Wendy Smith of 1372 maple drive back to her abortion, right? Yeah, it's like all this personal identifying. Yeah. And he was crying for her baby is what it was. Okay, but to be clear, her name was Wendy May Fong. Yes. Okay, but to be clear, her name was Wendy May Fong. And the receptionist is like, Wendy May Fong?

Am I saying that right? And Wendy's like, yeah, that's a sound in English. I'm American, I just happened to be Asian. What you're being weird. I'm talking about. How would you say any word that ends in OMG here, idiot? All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie has me wanting to wash my hands more than the goddamn pandemic.

So we're going to pause for a quick break, but we back in a minute with even more Allison's choice. But I don't get it. If you're really God and you don't want us to have an abortion, why not just stop us from getting pregnant? Oh, Allison, you live in a fallen world. No, that's not an answer. Hey, how about that weather we're having, huh?

Clouds, am I right? It just seems that the perfect creator of the universe would be concerned about all the floods and tornadoes and pandemics. Nope, you did that. You did it. You. No.

I mean, even if it was just about abortion, 30% of pregnancy self-terminate. Do you put souls in them? Was this your card? I didn't pick a card. Yes, you did. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit.

We're gonna open up on Allison stepping outside to get some fresh air and... Facilitate a scene change. We just go back and forth between the two waiting room and outside of the waiting room and the waiting room. And this is where we're going to meet Rita. And as bad as all of the, like, because we have, we've seen, like, throughout the movie, they keep calling women by their full names back into the room.

This is the first time we see them do that to a woman who's outside, you know, at the Basque and Robbins next door. They're like, rena, it's time to kill your baby. Like Rita, abortion time. They might as well patch into the Basque and Robbins PA and be like, hello, Rita, abortion across the street, Rita. I think this is the first time that I wrote in my notes. I hate you guys for making it. Wow, you made it this far.

Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. I noticed you said first time. So yeah, I'll be ready for some work. That's a win. So yes, so Rita goes back in and of course, Janet or Jesus has been standing the whole time. She goes, why can't these people see you?

And he's like, you know, you literally asked me that question like three scenes ago. That's how bad we are at writing these. And and I've changed my answer to they can. We're all having conversations simultaneously. But he's the janitor for all of them. Yeah. Right, right.

Yes. And he's mopping the sidewalk and she's like, yeah, all of that. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, he's not. And he's mopping the sidewalk and she's like, yeah, this is normal. But I'll tell you what, if there is not a crisis pregnancy center that is running this exact scam, right? This whole like, no, you guys pretend you're here for abortions too and can't see the janitor. It's only because they didn't think of it.

Okay. Yeah. This movie is inspired many. This is also where he does a bunch of the lying about the fetus. He's like, right now your daughter has a tiny little heart and can confirm nope very much. Well, there's a thing that beats though. Georgia was well, it would be happy to prove that to you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He says, seriously, your daughter's alive. She Lives and I wanted him to prove it like he did with the God costumes. He just like turns into his I go at the size of a peanut and fall See He's like, he's already got a heartbeat. If you were in Georgia, I could citizen's arrest your ass for this. Yeah, right? You guys the line. I'm literally hand forming her inside.

Yeah. That's a, God. I quit the movie four times right there. And he calls her mommy. He's like, yes. You, mommy. And I'm like, this man, it should be illegal for this man to say the word mommy.

Yeah. No, for sure. No, for sure. Absolutely. Like I was like, I was like, wretching by the the word mommy. Yeah, no, for sure. Disgusting. Like I was like wretching by the end of this. Like, just, oh yeah, no, like every time he, he's constantly for the rest of the movie going to be talking about how her baby just wants to feel the warmth of her mommy's arm and wants her mommy not to kill her, you know, the entire rest of the fucking movie. Mommy. Tommy, not to kill her, you know, the entire rest of the fucking movie. Mammy. And I just want to say the first time this, this movie was supposed to be episode 74 of this

podcast. And then I was like, Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm going to save this for an amazing prank war. But like now that I'm about to become a parent, it is so much more repellent that they're using like actually exciting stuff like ultrasounds and movement of your child. Yeah, that's right. The heart beat and everything. Yes.

It's like hiding an ad for Coca-Cola in someone's grandma's casket. This whole movie is just like, how about a Pepsi? So and also there's this weird moment where Jesus tells her like she's like, he's like, hey, look, I entrusted you with this child because even though you don't think you can handle it, I know that you can. And I'm like, which is why there's never been and phantasyd committed by a mother in the weight. Oh, I'm not very good at this. Susan Smith was Muslim. The other guy, but you haven't seen anything yet,

because this is the point where Jesus goes, would you like to meet your daughter? And I'm like, oh, please pull out a sock puppet. Please pull out a sock puppet. Let it be that Elias is just prophetic. But no, no, they doodly do into her womb. Yeah. But actually, the fetus is pretty good.

Oh, they nailed the fetus. It's not the right age. No, it's a much older fetus. That's it. That's like my kid now. Yeah. Yeah. It doodly do's to her womb.

It's empty and then it has to doodly do it again. Doodly do it farther. Just osmosis Jones standing next to a group of cells. You mean this thing? Shut Osmosis. She just dootily do it to a restaurant. She's like, what am I looking at? I don't see it.

Oh, no, right there on the table. That little thing? That's it. That's it. Right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so they have this like seven month old CGI. And look,

those things look really fucking gross, Right? Like, I mean, you know, I know they're not cute. No, they're just kind of like, I mean Eli, I'm sure I will like your kid eventually, but like right now it's just gross thing that will eventually be a cute baby. It's like an alien bug. Yeah. Like if if it were just an ultrasound image or even a 3D ultrasound image, it would be like cuter, but instead they're showing like a 3D CGI fetus. So it's like pink and squishy and it's got like the dark, you know, I'm like, it's got the real eye, it's got eye spots. And then like the dark kind of blood vessel under it's like creepy translucent skin. Yeah, the fucking

barricose veins all over it's face and shit. Like it got turned by another fetus zombie in there. Yeah. At one point, it looks right at us with it's little creepy eye buds and that'll haunt my nightmares forever. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just glad they didn't do like a like a voice over of it being like, mama. You know it did in a couple of cuts. You know what? Too much. Oh, and then okay, but we get out of that because we leave the CGI fetus with her dead be boyfriend calls, right? He has purchased a new snowboard instead of paying for her abortion. Um, it was to brag about it. He calls her. He's just like, you would not believe this sweet ass snowboard I bought instead of getting you something. Also fuck you for making me feel guilty about it. He's so conscious. She's like, oh, you said you didn't have the money

for my abortion. So I sold one of my kidneys and he's like, wow, I cannot believe you would come between me and my snowboard right now. And then he wins her back with some homophobic teasing. He's like, huh, you want to be a dude? You're a dude. Yeah, what was that? Well, so his was home, his, his was transphobic. And then she came back with the homophobic teasing, right?

Because this was what Bruce Marciano came up with when he thought flirty talk. Right? Was was too, was too, a fucking characters going, you're a gay. No, you're a gay. Right. Cause she's Allison and she goes by Al. Yeah. And then he's he starts calling her Alla Wishes. I think if you think about it, if I'm Alla Wishes, then aren't you gay and he's like, end of call, end of call.

I'm only a six month and no one. I'm going to go buy another snowboard. You want to get some pop of Johns after this? Yes. And then he's like, let's get pizza. And she's like, how about you come help me with my abortion? And he's like, you sound like you're on your period. I'm going to go. I'm already at Papa John's. I got a table. I did the thing at little scissors where you're supposed to pick it up from the machine. I don't want anybody to get mine. I'll see you after five for five dollars.

I see you after five for five dollars. I wrote down. So basically God is pressuring her to have a child with an abusive narcissistic boyfriend. How is that better? Right. Right. I don't understand. Oh, all right. So now we're back.

We go back into the waiting room. Rick is sending her puppy picks on the phone. So she's in a great mood. She just can't wait to abort that fetus now. Right. But Lucretia is going to pop her bubble. She just can't wait to abort that fetus now. Right. But Lucretia is gonna pop her bubble. She's like, yeah, you know, he sends me funny pictures. Those are his love language.

And Lucretia's like, yeah, that's just something people who aren't actually in love say. It's not real. Yeah. Yeah. And then he's, she's like, no, no, no no let me explain to you how my dad never say yes And this was his love language and then Lucrecia goes well my dad just wasn't around and she's like stop it This is serious My problems matter you're talking about poor black people

I'm the main character here. Okay. It's so gross. Oh, Jesus, you are a supporting character. Okay. You say hashtag black people probably. You're getting it. And Lucretia's the only voice of reason in this whole movie, by the way. I want Lucretia's fucking movie, honestly. Yeah.

I know. She's actually pretty amazing. She's too life full. Yeah. Yeah. Sequel, Lucretia's choices. Yeah. We can do a trilogy. Yeah.

All right. And then Jannitor Jesus shows back up and she doesn't want to talk about her boyfriend with this middle-aged man. Reasonable. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, you know, it won't be a problem. And she's like, well, what do you know about trouble? It's not like you've ever been a cruiser.

Yeah, how you know what, fuck it. Fuck it, no one. Never mind you. And you win this one, though. Okay, this. Wait, is this one he shows his stick motto? Or does that still hasn't happened yet? Not quite.

Yeah, I'm doing it. It feels like he was just doing it throughout, to be fair. That was the feel of the whole movie. But I think this is when she first brings up the problem of evil. Yes. Officially, it's like, hey, middle-aged janitor, can you fucking leave? And you're God, you're saying you're Jesus or whatever? You want to go fix some evil?

Maybe go get the born babies out of cages? I don't know. He's like, no. Yeah, and what's seen? What's amazing about this movie is that they don't even bother jingling the keys to distract you. She's just like, what about all the evil in the world? And he's like, I'm talking about you right now. Don't change the subject. He does, you know what he does is he's like, he does the Trump thing where she's like, but God, you're allowing like AIDS and famine and torture.

And he's like, no, that you guys did that. You, that was you. That was you. That was you. You guys created cancer. Yeah, and she's like, oh, okay. She just said. It was mostly Wendy May Fung with that cruel thing.

It's like he's just standing up there going, but the Democrats and they're like, Mara. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. The Obama. Obama didn't have a vaccine for this new fucking disease. That's his fault. There were more people dying the flu every year than dying of me killing them.

So, and then like straightly, so she's arguing with Jesus about whether her boyfriend's any good. And then we do do into a memory from the montage at the beginning of the movie where he's telling her to just go abort that shit. God, and he's so horrible. At one point, she's like, so how do we pay for this thing? If that's what we're gonna do. And he's like, ah, I got the snowboard. Ah, we'll split it like King Solomon.

I feel like we're not joking about this yet. Do you remember the part where she's asking him, he's like at the basketball court? And she's like, I don't think I want to have an abortion. That seems scary. And he's like, no, my bro had an abortion. Just the other day, you know, like come on down here and tell her all about your abortion. She's like, stop. We're up for that.

Also, they didn't have an outfit for her for this scene. So they just took off her pants and put a hat on her. So she looks like she's in an outfit for a winter themed porn. It seems safe. Yeah, she's wearing weird knee socks for whole time. I think they think that made her look younger and also weirdly sexualized her a little bit. Because she's very Christian on top, party on the bottom. She's wearing shorts, skirts and shorts with knee socks

on top, she's in shawls. It's like, what is happening? Christian heathen mullet of pure. Yeah. And then at the end of the scene, it pans back over to God who is awful sad about her boyfriend abusing her, but not, you know, stop it sad, just, you know, bummed about it.

Right, right. Oh yeah. My favorite though is when she calls over, or he calls over the guy and to like talk about the abortion that he just helped with. And then she's like, I don't want to talk about this with him. And he's like, never mind, dude, never mind. And so the guy runs up and he just looks at the two of them and he goes, chick's man. I can't live with him.

Can't just kick them in the stomach. It's amazing. It's like the best line of the whole. This guy has no context. You know, has no idea what's going on. He just ran sweaty from the basketball court. And he's like, never mind, never mind. He goes, chicks man. That was his one line. You know, we practiced that in the mirror so many times. Chicks man. No too much too much. She's are making these. Chisholmins. It's not Chisholmins like a last name. That's stupid. Okay. All right. So then so we cut out of the memory and like you know which of Jesus has presented to her. She's like no, no, he's a good guy. And he's like, oh really? What about this

doodly do? And then we come out of the doodly do is just like, all right. Yeah. That was a pretty bad doodly do. And so she's mad. Now she goes up to to miss glow. And she says, Hey, is there a room somewhere where I can escape my psychotic delusion for a few minutes? Oh, yeah, we have a dark brooding room here. It's more of a, it's mostly dark. There's a, we actually have a rain machine just outside the one window for just that spot. It's a dark brooding room. Yeah, we got you. Good. Good. Yeah. And by the way, like, when she says, do you have somewhere I could go and feel a little sick? She's like, yes, sit on the floor in a room with a chair in it.

This will be a circle on the floor. Like don't use chair. And then she goes into this room slumpsumps down on the floor crying like you do. And then God is like, I'm just going to get a little bit closer. What if I just, I'm just going to kneel down. Can I just put my hand right here on your thigh? And you're just like, I can't. Like, this is so not okay. I'll be small spoon.

I'll be small spoon, God. Got it. Janet God starts using the Yon Trick, trying to put his armor out of the plate. Right. People are thinking, well, also there was this weird threat thing here too. Wait, he says, you know, if you go through with a subortion,

you will pay a terrible, terrible price for it. And I'm like, what are you, you're gonna kill her? What are you saying, man? To be clear, God is gonna send her to hell for not listening to him. Oh, God, that is what he was threatening. Wasn't. Wow. That's, that's what that was. Fuck, I'm going to burn you for eternity was the, okay. Yeah. I just, sometimes there's shit is so evil that I'm like, well, you couldn't be saying something that evil nonchalantly. Like, oh, you could. You, could. You guys do that all the time.

Okay. And throughout this whole thing, just one of their detail, he's still carrying his fucking mop and it's getting in the way. And like, she's like, can you just put down the fucking mop? Like trying to like comfort her and the mop is like, and it's rattling around and like slips on it. And then oh God, and then we go to the if she had the baby montage, right? Because motherhood is mostly picking up flowers and having tea parties, right? Oh my God.

I so wanted this to just be a montage of like a baby smearing shit into a crib in its face and getting chicken pox and then turning into his teenager and screaming, I hate you and I wish you were dead. But no, we're watching a montage from the ghost of fetus future. It's so weird. I wanted another ghost to show up and be like, oh, well, here's a montage about the daughter you won't have in five years. And they could ghost get in a fight.

And I can't you can't do it. Out of my doing doing your own. Do you absolutely do? Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Okay, we're getting nowhere. We're getting nowhere. You're getting this montage every time you have your period

from now on. Oh, you're asking. And again, just using the joy of parenthood as a guilt trip to take away women's rights. It's the kind of thing that should be punished with medieval torture. Oh, absolutely. Oh, it's disgusting. By the way, my wife was watching again, because she stuck in on the couch where I watched these movies, and she was more offended by the banjo playing in the smart touch.

I was offended by her weird like, Gaia Earthmother vibe that this whole scene is. She's like, they're like playing on a little playground set and she's got like, her child has a flower crown and a beautiful and she's got like, weird teeth too. The kids teeth were freaking me out. And then like, Allison, you know she's older because she's got like a side bun

and she's wearing a shawl. And that's like how you know that she's like, right? Yeah. Not because her child is like seven. Like that's kind of weird. In seven years, she's going to be the owner of a therapeutic crystal store we learn. Yeah.

Yeah. What is there's like incense burning and also like, where is the asshole dad? I still don't understand the argument. Is the argument for the asshole dad in this movie, like just deal with it. It's part of the problem of being a woman, like you just have to have narcissistic abuse of husbands. Or is it like, don't worry, he's going to leave. And then you'll be left to raise this daughter all by yourself. I think it's the liner. Yeah, definitely. Yes. I can't tell which is worse. But yeah, well, I guess,

I guess, no, yeah, I can tell which is worse, but it's so bad either fucking way. Yeah. It's bad either way because they never really broach any of the like, the real issue. Like you said, there's no, you know, he's smearing shit and there's no her being like, oh, I'm gonna make ends meet.

I don't have any skills or a job. And I don't even know what I do for a living because they didn't give my character enough back to her. Like, it's so terrible. Really wanted to flash to the child being taken away by child services. They flash back out and got his like, whoa. Sorry, I thought you'd be a better mother than that.

Who? Somebody like triple doodly dood me. I don't know what to talk about. And like, I think the reason that this movie really got to me in such a heavy way is that not only am I training right now to become a psychotherapist, right? I also, my very first practicum where I spent over a year and a half and just recently closed out my practicum site.

So this is practicum is where you see clients before you do your full year internship. So you do, in my program, you do 1,500 plus hours of therapy before you are a doctoral candidate. And then you do a full year pre-doc internship and then you do a postdoc internship before you can get licensed. So it's like a lot of therapy that you do before you're a licensed psychologist.

And so my first practicum site was at a group home for adolescent girls. So these are kids, most of which were taken from their parents by child protective services for various reasons, but oftentimes because mom and dad were struggling or there was no dad or there was no mom and there was a lot of struggling. And then many of our girls actually do get pregnant and they end up having to go to a maternity group home. And so like I'm dealing with, you know, the reper, like the real shit that you see with teen pregnancy or with the outcomes of teen pregnancy and with, like,

low SES, no support, like people who are trying to thrive under horrible circumstances. And it's just, like, this just makes a mockery of like what actually fucking happens in the world. And also rape, a lot of rape victimization and C-Sec victimization. So it's pretty, sorry, and C-Sec is a commercial sexual exploitation of children, which is like a very common problem in our country. And so it's like disgusting to watch them just like make light of all of this shit. Or just ignore it.

Just pretend it doesn't even exist. Or just ignore it. Yeah. And like the whole premise of this movie is that she's raped at the beginning, right? Like, or at least that she is like, well, that is rape. That's the thing.

We've made these like, social kind of distinctions, especially within this Christian faith. It's like, oh, she wasn't raped. She was just like convinced against her will to like, hey, you know. Well, and especially given what we know about this character, like you said, whether this was intentionally or not, this character is played like a person

who is mentally ill and has like dangerously low self esteem. So yes, it very much plays like rape in this movie. Yeah. She's a vulnerable individual who because whether was because of her childhood issues with her father, which they actually do allude to or, or whether there's some neurobiological stuff going on, there's a constellation of symptoms that make this woman see people that aren't there, be incredibly volatile emotionally, and that are contributing to her lack of self-efficacy, so that she's always trying to please everybody. She's much more concerned about what other people think than about her own feelings of self-efficacy so that she's always trying to please everybody. She's much more concerned about what other people think than about her own feelings of self-worth

and the only thing that matters to her. And even Jesus points us out multiple times in the movie, like, why are you so concerned with this asshole boyfriend and what he thinks about you? You should be thinking about yourself, which is weird because that argument should actually, in many circumstances, lead to her making. Yeah, as you know, you should be thinking about the unborn fetus. Yes, the unborn fetus. You're right. That's the only way out. You're so bad.

It relates to the unborn fetus. As it relates to being a baby fetus. Exactly. Right. Yes. You should be thinking about your wound. Yeah. Don't let Bruce Martiano's like casual racism and stupidity distract us from the fact

this is such an insidious movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. All right. So, yeah, so she now let's get back to the funniest. All right. So she wakes up from her dream about the baby that she was thinking about murdering.

And now she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to have the abortion anymore, right? She's changed her mind, but just in that very moment, abortion Nazi shows up in the little supply closet that they stashed her in. And she's like, I'm, I'm not going to lose another abortion. She's going to hard sell this woman like they work on commission. Hey, here's a, here's a fetus. Just hold it in your hand for a second. I love this character. They don't realize that but this character is such a great argument for pro choice. And what's amazing is they try to make her seem sad by nice things, but they don't know what things are bad. They're like, oh, yeah, last year I went on vacation

by myself terrible. No, my money. Yeah, I bought it with my money and I went on a vacation on the beach. Wow. I'm a woman. I am chosen not to. Okay. So the goal here, the right, this character is D, right? Certainly for devil. Of course.

So subtle. Yeah. I'm sure her last name is Ville. So, but D is supposed to be the feminazi, right? That the evil feminist who just wants me, me, me, me, who only cares about herself. And I love this detail, so goddamn much, is only a month away from celebrating her 5,000th of a-

What the fuck? What the fuck? Okay, she brags about it. She's like, check out the tally I have on my fetus gun. It's like, 4999. To be fair, they probably shouldn't have set up the confetti in the doctor's office to drop at the 5,000th abortion. That's on the clinic. But I was, I think there's more offensive where the confetti came from than that. There was confetti. But yes, Eli, I agree. Oh my gosh, she was great. And then also, and also fuck you movie. They have a whole big thing about how she has cats instead of children because she's like, she wears them as like ID tags around her net.

Like it's, you know, like the doctors badges that are nurse badge. Wait, is she a nurse or a doctor? I believe she's a nurse. I couldn't tell. She's a nurse. Okay. Yeah, they never say, but like she's wearing scrubs, but she's not the doctor because they refer to the doctor later. And so she's wearing this like badge around her neck that's like her nurse badge, but then it's also just like cat trading cards. He is. It's like something weird there. And I don't, what's the implication here? Like, don't get me wrong. I'm a dog person. And I get that there's like this crazy cat lady trope, but is the implication that like she's lonely and she's going to die in the cat's will eat her face.

Absolutely. What they're saying. So the implication doesn't have a man or children. Right. That she has it. She has cats instead of a family and therefore is an evil person. Is broken and incomplete. Yeah, but really like they actually write her arguments not poorly like she's like, listen, child, let me tell you about what it's like to have freedom to be literate. You know, to have good health care. Like I'm going to talk to you about being a self-sufficient woman.

Like these are the things that happen in your life. You have a lot of like self-efficacy. You make decent money and you don't have to rely on somebody else so that when he cheats on you and leaves you, you're not gonna be like, be holding to him. Oh, but that's all evil. Like it's very confusing to do. Yeah, right.

Like I'm watching it, I'm like, right on, devil. Yeah, exactly, exactly. He's like, yeah, I just got back from hedonism. I was on the beach. I fucked a lot. It was great. It was great. And she was the only one who was concerned about the fact that they just left her in a room on the floor. And she's like, Randerman, she's like, are you okay? Can we get you like into a chair? Guys, how many times do I have to tell you we're not, that's not a brooding room. We're not doing that. That's not has to go. Well, and here's the fucked up thing. D is like, would you like to sit in room. We're not doing that. That has to go. Well, and here's the fucked up thing.

D is like, would you like to sit in our break room that we have that you could have been in? Right? Like, it's not like they didn't have a good room for her to be in. We have a lit room. We have a room. This is also weird, because basically it's as if instead of taking her to her actual appointment, they're like, oh, it's time for your appointment.

You're going to do it in the kitchen. It's like, oh, it's time for your appointment. You're gonna do it in the kitchen. It's like really weird. Like they walk her in and the door says break room and then there's like a refrigerator and an inspirational poster. And then they sit her down. Oh, and by the way, on the way to the break room, they pass by like an abortion gone bad. Yes. Down the hall and the doors wide open. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's Rita.

We'll come back to that. But yeah. So yeah, so she goes to the she goes to the break room and she's looking at the pictures on the wall. There's pictures of the main doctor, the main baby murderer. Apparently he goes to Zimbabwe to just murder some babies for fun over there once a year, right? Also, he has this cork board. It's pictures of him, but also it appears to be non-parents who sent pictures of themselves

like holding their nothing and smiling. Thanks, man. Oh, more abortion clinics need those. Just like people sending in pictures of their college degrees and their nice cars. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. They're cats. And this is like, he's supposed to be a good guy, this doctor.

And he's like pure evil. Like he's like a colonialist asshole. They're like, you know, oh, look, he goes to Zimbabwe every like he gets his like fucking white pride from going there and like feeling good about himself for five minutes. And then he's like, not nice to her. Oh, no, like he's supposed to be evil. And it's amazing to me. And you might not even notice this as a Californian. How many things they squeeze in there right away that are meant to just urk the Christian viewer, right?

He walks into this room and he's like, me and my wife, Ju Salott, are you a vegan? I'm gonna eat carrots now. Oh, oh, like that makes him a bad guy. Yes, yeah, all of those things are just like, that's just like fingernails on a chalkboard to the people who watch these fucking movies. You're so right.

I didn't notice that at all. Yeah. Yeah, no, for you, it's just a guy walking into the room. Just having some juice evenly, you didn't realize. But to be fair, the way he cuts the carrot comes about to put into his juicer is bananas. Like he's got a wood saw and he's going like, what the fuck? Get a knife. All right.

I love this line too. He's arguing with, or she's arguing back with him or something like that. And he turns to when he goes, I like a little spunk in a girl. And I'm like that job security. Right? Of course. Obviously. It's so disgusting. And do you think, do you think this is like a thing where I remember being on a job once and the show was a Tuesday airing show? And they kept doing my sig off as see a next Tuesday. And I was like, guys, I can't say. You next Tuesday. I do not know what that means. And they like didn't get it for the first three script drives.

And like, do you think this was like an accident? Because they're Christy, right? They don't know what I like spunking. Yeah, I'm sure it is. It was the most amazing little accidental moments. So bias fume K throughout. Yes. Yes. Oh my god. Yes. And I'll rapist. I wasn't worried about the pronunciation. But so also like what they don't get is that the people who perform abortions or terminations are OB-GYNs.

Like these are obstatrix and gynecologist. Like these are the same people who aid in giving birth, right? They like women will go to a clinic whether they're trying to do well baby checks or whether they want to terminate. And so it's the same doctors that give you a pap smear that will, you know, do a termination that will also do your ultrasounds and make sure your fetus is growing appropriately. Yeah. They don't, there's not just like baby kill doctors.

Right. But that's not, it's like that's not a profession. Oh, she's a keep, she's a keep it. We bring in the real doctor who does that. I'm not kill. All I know is fetus gun. I'm getting a notch in a second. That's all I'm gonna do.

And that's how they make him out to be. He's like, I kill babies and I do it because of science. And science is about what you can prove. Oh, God, that conversation was so frustrating where she's going like, what science? Can the science guarantee that my baby is not alive? And he's like, you know, with science, we just kind of, we get it.

We're way through on the science. Well, and they switch between baby and alive as frequently as they possibly can. It's like, it's not a baby. And she's like, it's not alive. And he's like, it's not a baby. And she's like,'s not alive and he's like it's not a baby and she's like who's on first Is alive that's why you got to act now you can't afford Always totally upsellin or the whole time

Today this one comes with weather stripping and everything. Undercoating? By one, get your face 50% off and he's like, shaming her the whole time. He's like, you're gonna be a horrible mother. He's gonna bounce a baby off her face. You want to be the mother? Huh? You want to be the mother of the house? Huh? Huh? Huh? Fuck you, you're gonna do it with a baby, go snowboarding? Idiot, you're not. Oh, it was so fucking bad. Alright, well, tell you what, this movie is about to get even god damn worse.

I need a miniature prepare. So we're gonna pause for a quick break here. But first, let me give Ack3 the hard sell. Will one of these abortions go terribly wrong? Lamb. Will this movie applaud when a man shows up to drag his girlfriend out of the abortion clinic? Did you think I was fucking kidding when I said it was about to get worse? By now, the answer is to these questions and more. When we return for the third trimester of Allison's choice. Oh, hey, sorry, I didn't realize someone was in here. I'm Dr. Say Tan. Hi, Allison. Hey, you don't mind if I have my lunch in here, do you? Killin' babies all day, you know, it's a whole thing. Sorry, I mean, performing abortions all day. It's, it's hungry work. So you

might have a eat. Is that fun? Oh, non-existent God. Yes, it's fun. It's like being the bad guy in a horror movie back there. You know, like, just like the whole time. No, no, no, no, listen, I meant is that? Oh, you meant do I feel any remorse? No, not at all. No, just love to kill babies. Sorry. Fethuses love to kill. Fethuses, man, if bail could hear me now. Huh. Hmm. Good sandwich.

Anyways, thanks for getting an abortion. Just really, really awesome stuff. Good choice. Is that a baby in your sandwich? No, no, it's a fetus. Got it. Yeah, get it straight terminology. Eat a sandwich.

And we're back for still more of this shit. When we last left, Allison, she was getting fucking 20D's house of abortion pitch from the doctor. And now she's going to take this long, slow walk back down the radio waiting room where Rita is being wheeled out because something's gone horribly wrong. Remember Rita? Oh, yeah. And earlier they did say what if something goes terribly wrong? So they called it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And a lot of the anti-abortion movies that we've reviewed do this quicker, minder, getting an abortion is safer than going to the dentist. So also way safer than having a goddamn baby. Yep. Right. Like let's let's compare it to that. But also speaking of the dentists, there's also this moment where she's walking out and she sees all the like the sinister medical implements. And I wrote my nose. Yeah, this is why I find dentistry to be so morally objectionable. Right. The sinister instruments. that's what makes something evil. Right. And she, she's

walking along this hallway. And yeah, again, there's doors open to every room. And she's walking in at so many hippo violations. Hey, look, it's her vagina. Yeah. Right. What? Yeah. So it's like that shouldn't be allowed to specul. I'm just like open to the door. like that shouldn't be allowed. Speculums just like open to the door. So upsetting, so illegal. But also I imagine this is not what they do, but in this movie, they have blood-spattered trays outside of each door like it's fucking room service. Yeah, like it's room service. of each door like it's fucking room service. Like it's room service. Yeah, they have that long moment where she's trying to decide whether to look into the bed pan full of a portion.

Oh, all of us are going like, oh God, are they? Is the movie gonna? Is okay, she's not okay. Go ahead. And the fun, like, let's be clear, every character in this movie has like washboard, like a six pack, like these are not, they are like three weeks pregnant. Yes. Like nothing.

And how is there a whole baby? Like there's not a baby. No. Absolutely. There's a penis. They didn't make any of them like, you know, second trimester abortions. They made them all like very early abortions. There's just no

sort of like if you post back to think of the bad bench, you'd be like, Oh, it looks like a lima bean. I guess really, honestly, there's I'm getting all worked up about nothing. Exactly. But also that's not how you do it. You don't use like an ice cream scoop. It's like a little vacuum machine and it goes up into the machine. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it.

They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it.

They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it.

They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They don't like it. They like butternye. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like Janet or Jesus. And she's like, so are you gonna kill her or what? And he's like, no, physically she'll be okay, but spiritually she'll be broken forever and lose her family.

Lose her family. No. Cut to Jesus saw in that her fucking husband's breaklines or something. What? And so Allison points out like, hey, that's super fucking cruel of you to which Jesus replies, you make me cut myself. You make me cut myself.

Well, yeah, he's like, oh, you want to see cruel Allison? And I'm like, are you going to show her the sub-Saharan AIDS pandemic plan? But no, no, he's going gonna pull up his goddamn sleeve and show, I bet it's like fucking Jesus is four touchdowns in a single game, right? You're hanging out with Jesus, you're like, all right, we got three goddamn more minutes before this asshole talks about the time.

He was crucified. Yeah. There's only one hotwing left and Jesus just casually rolls up because they find, take it. Get that one. Yeah. I hate you. only one hot wing left and Jesus just casually rolls up is they fight take it. I did this for you. It's fine. It's fine. God is seriously. He's like John Q. Sacken say anything. He's like yelling outside your window with a boom box. I got crucified for you. And she's like, never ask you to do that, man.

Just, uh, please go away. Please go away. This movie reinforces to me how far away from this world I have been living for so long now, like out of the Bible, bell out of Texas, living in LA, like almost none of my friends are religious. I mean, I have some religious friends, but they're not like super, you know, evangelical Christy. But like when he first lifted up his sleeves,

I thought because of the world I live in, I was like, oh my gosh, he like had a suicide attempt. Because it's like on his wrist and it's this like vertical cut mark that's like scarred and healed over. And then it took me a minute. And the like, and then I was like, oh, is that supposed to be like stigmata, but isn't that in their hand? Like, why do they always show it in their hands? Was it supposed to be in the wrist? It's supposed to be in the hands, right? I thought it was supposed to be in the hands. But also, that wouldn't work biologically. Your hands would just rip down. So it does make sense that they would do it in the wrists like from a by a lot, but they don't care about biology. Do they?

It's good science. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. No, but so that, but that's what an interesting transition to watch, right? Like as Christians have realized very slowly that no, there's no goddamn way you could crucify somebody through the hands that they slowly have moved the stigma to the wrists, which is so weird because it was such an iconic, the whole in the hand was such an iconic image for Jesus forever and ever, but they have largely moved away from that. And that seems like a big move that they haven't really talked about.

But I thought that this was like getting woke for a second where he's like, I've seen pain, like all of this torture that I have to witness really has caused me to like be on the brink. And I had a pretty serious suicide. But then I was like, wait, what am I doing? Like, that's it. You're bringing creating a better movie just to survive.

Oh, God. And then there's this moment where he says, and by the way, you totally made the right choice not looking in that bed pan. That was, it was super fucking gross. Super fucking gross. Yeah, it's weird that they didn't show us what's in the bedpan because showing icky pictures is kind of the whole anti abortion movements thing. I was surprised. But it also flies indirect contradiction with it being a sweet little baby, right? This is what I'm so confused about.

Like, is it a sweet baby or is it a gross monster? Right. Yeah. Well, but so the reason that they didn't show it to a little bit super clear, the reason they didn't show it to us is because they wanted this movie to be available on Amazon, right? Yeah. Meanwhile, they'll rent a giant poster truck with fetus tissue all over the side, drive through major cities with it. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. They hear about that. Right. But I liked her reaction was like, why would you leave it in the hallway? You're literally the fucking janitor, man. Clean that shit up. Also, you're a deity. I don't know. There's a lot of ways around this. in the hallway, you're literally the fucking janitor, man. Clean that shit up. Also, you're a deity.

I don't know. There's a lot of ways around this. But again, this argument is so fucking stupid because I can also use the same you that's gross argument against fucking colonoscopy. Yeah. Right? Just any, any, a lot of medical shit's gross.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah. All right. So now it's time for us to meet Dishon because Lucretia really hadn't hit the racism quota that we've come to expect from pureflix movies. Oh, it's rough. Well, Dishon's, he's interesting to me because it's like they wanted to be really racist with him. Like his, his concept was really racist, but then he actually is a pretty good actor and is like,

like, a normal human being. And so, like, there's humanity in Dishon and, like, nothing about him is caricatured, like, except for how he's written on paper. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. But like, he refuted, it's almost like the actor was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. You're like, I'm a shot. But like, but he's actually like, really thoughtful thoughtful and it's like, is my music too loud? I'm sorry, my music skill. Like, can I get you anything to eat? Well, to be super clear here, the actor that played Dishon and the actor that played Lucretia, both of them brought so much more to this fucking movie than what they were given

in the script, right? Yeah. Like, they were really the two standouts, which is the shame because they were obviously the most caricatured in the script, right? Like, they were really the two standouts, which is the shame because they were obviously the most caricatured in the script. But yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And they were written to be these bad people.

Like, they were actually written. I think though, they were written to have an arc. They were written to be, which is the classic like white colonial viewpoint, right? It's like, they were written to be like the savages that were tamed. Like the people that early on were like poor and like unwieldy and unruly and they came from the bad parts of town. And they like, you know, oh, I've been here a hundred times and I'm getting my free abortion with my punch card.

But then like, I'm going to find the light. And in doing that, I'll be like the wise, mami character. Like that's really what they did with that. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Just like, Rudyard Kipling Jesus. Yeah, they go fucking white and delight some by the time it's over. Yeah, and to really underscore that,

there's a point where like she's like talking, you know, D'Shawn pulls up, Jesus is out there talking to Allison, and she says, so what's up with this? And he's like, oh, I've been talking to this guy a little bit and we glance over it He's sitting in the car right. Jesus has also been talking with the Sean and we see him like doing his black people dancing impressions He's like dabbing or something like I can't really work it out, but like not quite

Yeah, it's bad and like and they're listening to like not real music either. It's like, you know, it's like the free music. Yeah, it's an Apple loop. Yeah. Exactly. Also, most importantly, this Dishon character, who will be a good guy, has arrived at this abortion clinic to break in and prevent his girlfriend from getting an abortion. Yeah. He is a good character in this movie. This movie will celebrate him.

Yes. And he's also parked in a fire lane, by the way. He just stops like, he just stops right from the door and just gets out as if that's his own personal parking space. There were all of these open parking spaces. Yeah. I was more offended by the parking than anything else in the sea. Yes. Okay.

All right. But also, but yeah, it's absolutely this guy. We watched the Jesus character stand there and beam the whole time that the shone walks up to the abortion clinic and says, I'm here to drag my girlfriend and my baby out of there. You ain't killing my baby. Yeah. This is a good guy. It's a reverse John Q. He's preventing

medical care like John Q. And this is the good guy. And of course they make him talk like that and you can tell it's so awkward for the actor. He's like, I'd be here for me baby. He's slipping into fire it and leprechaun. He keeps slipping into fire and leprechaun. This is like who writes this shit? God. And by the way, Allison has this like weird willingness and even anxiousness to be part of their argument. Yes.

It's gone inside no less. Yes. It's gone inside no less. Yes, it's insane. She does this weird side talk with Jesus the entire time. Yeah, commenting on the noble savages. They might as well turn to David Attenborough and have him be like, oh, no, this is fucking me. It's you all up. You guys are racist.

Get any in. God. Yep. And I'll say to you guys, do you guys notice that Jesus is the embodiment of the fundamental attribution error? So this is a cognitive bias, like an important cognitive bias wherein we tend to over emphasize situational stuff when it relates to us and under emphasize personality-based explanations. And then it's the opposite when we talk about other people.

So it's like with the pandemic, right? Like everybody's hoarding toilet paper because they're all selfish and assholes. But then when I like need to get an extra thing of toilet paper, it's because I was the good guy who just like didn't stock up and now I'm running out. Like this is a very common thing that we do. And basically the whole time,

Jesus is like all the bad shit that happens in the world is because of you. I'm only responsible for the good stuff. Yeah And she even brings up shit like cancer, right? Like she's brings up like cancer and tsunamis and it's like no, no you guys do that with your free will We do the cancer and the tsunamis with our free will Yeah, and he's like no remember the apple the apple thing with the apple. Remember the stolen that guacamole from Whole Foods? I caused it to not me.

They still try to make him like semi woke and like, somehow the like, there's going to be like a relevance that like the cool people are going to get where he's like, you know, it wasn't really an apple. Yeah, right. Like, is that's like what the skeptics would say? You know, like the scientists would say that. No, I'm not really just some guy on a throne on a cloud somewhere. It's a quince, get your facts straight. The Bible makes sense now.

All right, and now, and now, okay, this is such a bizarre moment. She believes that he is Jesus now. She's got this all figured out and she decides that she wants to play 20 questions with Jesus. Oh, I love this. I immediately start right now in my notes. I've got some good ones. I'd ask about the eyeball worms first or whatever. And then she starts fucking nailing it. Yeah, she has some good questions.

Yeah, her first question on the gate is, why do you hate gay people to which he goes? He says I don't hate gay people. I don't hate people no matter what they do murder kill murder rape rape murder murder Anyways, I don't hate gay people And then she goes she goes why do you let African children starve? And he's like, ah, you guys really if you think about it, there is food. I am rubber and you my trials are good. You guys steal so much guacamole from the whole foods. Maybe there wouldn't be so many droughts.

No, he literally liked that was Obama. there wouldn't be so many droughts. No, he literally liked that was Obama. He's born in Kenya. He had plenty of time to deal with that African food crisis. Obama. She's nailing the question. She's just, she's just missing a follow up. It's just kind of letting that stuff slide. That really calms my curiosity. We did steal the guacamole from all those. No, that is true. She asks, well, why'd you make cancer? And he's like, oh, they vote for me. Oh, you meant literal cancer.

Tough one. And then we get my favorite of the 20 questions. What was it like to be crucified to which the answer is it was like all the rapes and murders and the Holocaust put together. And he even goes like, yeah, fucking that Mel Gibson movie didn't even come close. It was way worse. So much. So much.

So much. And also then she does this weird thing where she's like, okay, now I just want to ask you curiosity quit. Like she's like, you've proven to me that you're God and you've also proven to me that God has no responsibility in this world. So now I just want to like get to know you personally. Yeah, now we're going to do a fucking tiger beat interview. Yeah.

And like, why is his favorite book or movie to kill a mockingbird? It was movie. That was very example of a grateful movie was to kill a mockingbird. But also to kill a mockingbird stands for everything these people don't. Right. Everything. It's like it's the weird, it's like they were like, what do the liberals like? You guys get your Bob Yule, right?

You don't understand it. Your Bob Yule is a snare. Idiot. The saddest one of these though is when they asked, she asked him his favorite song and his answer is, Jesus loves me this I know. These motherfuckers couldn't think of a better religious song than Jesus loves me.

This I know. Amazing grace. I love that song. Yeah, they're not a great song except that. Absolutely. I've a Maria. How about the one about us? Ma, that's a great one.

But also they don't seem to recognize what a ridiculous asshole they just made. Jesus right, because they're like greatest movie ever. Ben her favorite book, The One About Me, favorite song The One About about me, favorite historical moment, that time I like you're an asshole. Yeah. Trump and also they make him with the song you're right that Jesus loves me song. It just also, it's like he's an asshole, but it just goes back to the pedophile thing again. It helps you imagine him like in a windowless van with like candy and then like, come little baby. Like, there's just something really gross about it. And then I think again in this scene, he says the thing about his hand forming the baby.

Yes. Like inside of her body. Like, he's very graphic about it. He's like, my hand is inside of you forming this. Yeah. And you're like, oh. She says, why don't you zap all the bad people? And he says, well, you don't have to start with you. You didn't steal that guacamole from the whole thing.

She's like, okay, why can't you tell the difference between a fucking mass murderer and somebody who looked at a woman with lust and they're not damn hard. There's the question. And he's like, I can't tell the difference between nails and all the rapes and the holocaust. Sorry, you know, my metrics are all the fucking off. I'm a confused guy. You know, the people, the Philippines do this for fun. His argument is that he's bad at Jesus saying because he's like, why are you going and

doing this hard stuff? And he's like, I thought I'd start with you who has like not that much sin. You're like, you're a pretty good chick and this is like the one thing that you're like on the fence about. So I thought I'd hang with you instead because it seems like an easy win. Like this will keep my like hit rate high. Okay. We're talking about low hanging fruit though. Exactly.

Remember, I remember the passion, you know, we were talking about that a second ago, why did you make Mel Gibson? Why? Oh, you got me. I'm just. You know what? That's a Mulligan. That one is a Mulligan. I do not have an answer. You made Mel Gibson. Oh, she was fighting for a fucking future with Rick. Like she's doing 20 questions. She says she got the question. The opportunity to ask questions of Jesus Christ, she's treating them like a fucking Ouija board.

We'll be like in Magic 8 Ball and she's thinking, Exactly. Like, is Johnny gonna marry me? I think we'll also fold the paper things or whatever. All right, now pick a color. Yeah. I can mesh. Flesh cuts to her and God playing mystery date.

Mystery date. Is that the one with the phone? Yeah, that that the one with the phone you can't? Yeah, that was the one with the phone where you had phone sex with pre-recorded full-grown adults as a child. It is not hold up. And do you remember the commercial for it? I still it's burned into my brain. Yeah, the phone rings and she picks it up and she goes, it's Dan.

Dan's my man. Yeah. That's like been in my head. This was a six year soul. Do yourself a favor and you tube the commercial for Miss 3 Day and you'll be like, oh, okay. So we were crazy until like 1990, no.

Yeah, no, no, no, it's gonna say just, just when you're thinking about when you're just crushed by how sexist this world is, just remind yourself, go watch that ad and realize, we have moved though the needle. As we had mystery day and grape escape, the fact that we're not all serial killers. It's a career.

It's a career. First I want to smash it, then I want to cut it. Yes. And that was a really cool game. I was like jealous because my rich friends had greatest games. They had games that had like, they took batteries, you know? Yeah. I had mismatched wood blocks that were scrap wood that my dad had.

Well, so I had the games, I had the games that took batteries, but we didn't have batteries. So I wanted, I wanted he's fucking blocks. I was just stuck playing mouse trap and yes, it was missing pieces. So it doesn't matter if it was never. He never put the goddamn push the ball into the fucking tub. So it didn't matter if you had all the broken hand every single broken room. Goldberg. He's a pressure room for no other than his for the rest of the way.

Exactly. All right. So anyway, now we have to have another moment with just to Sean and Allison apparently. So the way that they write Lucretia out of the scene for a second is she says, I'm going to go back into that abortion clinic and give that bitchy abortion Nazi lady with the cats of peace of my mind. Oh, yeah. She talks about her cats.

She's like, did you see her cats? What a cunt. You're so sweet. You're so cool. I'm so sad we didn't get to see that conversation where Lucretia's just like, how dare you give me several free abortions and own cats? You know what?

I just realized I don't have a lot here. I'm gonna go back in the sun. All right, I'm Lucretia. See you next Tuesday. Bye. That's what that phrase didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't. Lucretia. Also, I love to go. Okay.

There's this moment where the actor playing Deshaun, right? He's hanging out with Allison and he's going through the lies that they've given him to say. And you can tell the actors like, why the fuck would I say that? Right? Cause like at a certain point, his lines are like, like, I also like the music that is playing in my car. That's why I'm playing it. He turns into one of those racist lantern figurines at one point. He's like, tea, coffee, silt, sir. Do he ask at one point, why does choice always mean abortion and not the opposite?

Like have humans gone extinct? Did I miss it? Also, there's this great moment here again, just to just underscore how little Bruce thought through his own fucking script. There's a moment where Lucretia comes out and she's like, all right, I'm ready to leave. Now, let's go. And she turns to Allison and says, you need to come to my baby shower, honey. And then they don't exchange any additional information. And she means, yeah, she's like, call me. All right. Yeah. No, I look for black Lucretia in LA. I'll buy you. I'm sure it'll be pretty

easy. I thought that was a great blow-off on Lucretia's part. She was like, oh, you're coming to my baby shower. We happy to get together. Just, uh, yeah, just get it. Yeah, I get like a block away in Lucretia's movie and she turns to Dishon says, yeah, that lady's been talking to invisible janitors all day. I've been trying to get the fuck away from her. I'm still gonna have the abortion. I just left because you know, it gave me an excuse to get the fuck away. All right, tweet me at Lucretia later. But then the sad thing is she probably actually could find her. All she'd have to do is go on Instagram and look for the Lucretia that has like selfie

sitting in a portion. Oh yeah, right. If you Google abortion selfies, she'll come right up. I know that's her. I really think that empty fish tank in the back. All right. So they drive away. She looks back at her texts and Rick has texted and his text just is like done yet. Cause I've been at this fucking pop of johns for like 45 minutes and they're starting to look at me funny.

No, yeah. He literally is like, do you want a pizza? And then her whole thing is like, do I erase this text or not? As if that makes any difference in anybody's world. Like she's not trying to decide if she wants to erase Rick, like, you know, to read entry or she wants to decide if she wants to erase the text that says, do you want a pizza? Which by the way, she's obviously an inbox zero because the whole time before that, she's looking at her phone, there are no messages.

Well, that's it. She must delete every message. Yeah. So it's not even a decision. Yeah, right. But here's the fucked up thing about it again, because Bruce isn't thinking that he's just going to message like four minutes later and going, hey, did you get my earlier message about pizza? Like, I mean, if she messaged back, you know what, fuck you, then like, there's some closure. Exactly. But I mean, have the pizza

before you break up at least. Well, yeah, I will get some Papa Johnson. Maybe not Papa Johns. The garlic sauce is if it was pizza. So yeah, and then fucking abortion Nazi lady comes out and she's just like, tell me we didn't lose Alice and two. Damn it. I'm at 4,999. Right. Like they're gonna force it to do it. Like like she's at the top of a slide at action park. He's blocking it. Like scared baby he's like, no, I waited on this long line. I'm gonna step off to the side and they're like no, you have to go or you lose your spot Come on You gotta go now and then oh my god. This is the worst fucking part of the goddamn movie This is the part where pito Jesus gets on his hands and knees and starts screaming at her like your baby wants to live She wants her mommy to want to do for mommy baby baby mommy mommy it's so

bad god that was disturbing the most intellectual the argument ever gets that's like the creepy part where it either goes like end movie or like it turns into a porno where he just starts like breastfeeding feeding. Really creepy about him on his knee. Let's say mommy over. You came up with such a better movie so many times. I can't get this in a chat. Oh, I know you made it this week. It's always it's something about Badger von Reuben. You make he squeak. Oh, God. There's a moment here where Allison is like, wait, wait, can you force me to look at the fetus again, the CGI fetus again? Because like, you know, if they just would do that with medically unnecessary state mandated ultrasound, I bet it would make all the difference.

So we see the fucking CGI fetus one last time. This is the one where it looks as in the eye with the creepy ass fucking iPods. Oh, I wanted it to monologue and have Morgan Freeman's voice. Well, I'll tell you, my mom may win on not to have that emotion and it's new frame. I had sex with my granddaughter. What? No, he did. He did.

Absolutely. All right. So then we cut back. I wanted to come out of the VR and just be like, nah, it's got Zika. So let's do it. Let's do this. Get me in there. Because that's the thing. They do kind of leave you hanging. Like, yes, the baby starts singing Jesus loves me. Yes. And yes, she does say mommy knows my darling mommy knows But hey like she did that in the fucking in the flashback too. Yeah exactly mommy knows and then the co-hanger like you have no idea Yes, yeah, we see little we see Jesus like walk up to yet another woman at the abortion clinic And then we hear of the little the little non-murdered babies singing as the credits roll. It's really creepy.

Oh, geez. Okay. All right. So, and that's, that's how the movie ends. We, we literally hear a little baby singing. Jesus loves me this, we, this, I know. And then we hear Allison's voice saying, Mommy knows little darling. I didn't murder you.

And then that's it. That's it. It wraps there. I have to ask because I know we're going to see Bruce Marciano again. Any predictions where Jesus will be harassing people in the sequel? Sheltering in place. Okay. I'm going to say Jewish funeral.

Oh, right. That's interesting. That's interesting. I need a little help. I need a little refreshment. I'm like, what are the things that Christians hate most? Oh, gay wedding. There you go. I was about to say Jewish funeral. Oh, no, they love those. It's the brisket they hate.

It's the funeral they love. All right. Well, Cara, I cannot thank you enough for hanging out with us today. And also for all the guy, the work that you and the guys are doing over on the SGU, you guys have been my go-to source for science information during the pandemic. And everything you guys have been doing really amazing work there. So thank you, a ton for that on behalf of all of the shows listeners. Oh, thank you so much. And thanks for getting me out of here with 10 minutes to spare so I

can jump over into a live stream on SGU. Oh, right. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our room. I always was choice. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Assassin 33 AD. When a Christian scientist invents time travel,

Muslims steal it to go back in time and kill. Oh my God. And kill Jesus. But Jesus turns out to be a little bit more than they can handle. Oh my God. All right. So with that to look for, sometimes when I say that, I don't really mean it. This time I mean it. So we have to look forward to

we're going to bring up a two 45 dual merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara Santa Maria for suffering alongside us this week and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help with time by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows to scaling and the citation needed to scepticrate and D&D minus available wherever

else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or send them out as suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting, when we would drop some Mars Hall or the music was written in form by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week

for Heath and right D.L.I. Bosnick. I'm no illusions from a store card or another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club club. What's a TANIC Doctor had a great life with her cats and money. Allison went to a different plan, parenthood, two tones over. Coronavirus was janitor God's bad.

That one's on him, put it on the board. And Mugipson, I'm thinking Mugipson. And Mugipson, nothing. Nothing. and no gifts and no more. Couple. I gasped. I know. So I like. Well, I already know Mars to Lucretia. Not no, it's not. I had a I had the IMDB page open before the movie starts. You know, look, so I can like look over there.

And I saw that there was a character coming up named Lucretia. And I'm like, oh, no. And then, you know, like the intro for that character. So I'm like, oh God, that's look like she is. That's every fucking argument in this movie. I would go like, well, I'd asked you, oh, no, that's pretty much what I asked Jesus. Okay. Well, then how's he going to do? No, he's just, no, just gonna jingle some keys around. It's like, he was trying to be woke by making this like the modern argument,

but then it was like the most thin response every time. Why do you hate gay people, Jesus? Ah, yeah. Oh, my God. Why do you hate people? He's a second only to him being like, come on. Why you make sure people. All right. Second only to him being like, come on. Like you weren't born not being able to pronounce an ass.

Am I right? All right. Interest. Check out my parachute backpack. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020. All rights reserved. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC capyrate 2020 all rights reserved.