God Awful Movies - 246: Assassin 33 A.D.

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

On this week’s episode: Eli and Heath combine forces with stand-up comedian Johnny Taylor to review Assassin 33 AD, a movie about Islamic extremists using time travel to kill Jesus Christ and stop Christianity from ever happening. --------------------- You can find Johnny Taylor on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/hipsterocracy --------------------- Get great deals while supporting the show by checking out our sponsors: https://forhims.com/gam https://boxofawesome.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://adamandeve.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://mejuri.com/awful --------------------- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Was he taking DNA from Jesus? Yup. In order to make an army of clones? Don't tease me because I was so hoping this movie was going to finish with them having to fight a bunch of evil Jesus clones. Yes! Thank you, that's an amazing movie! That's such a good twist here they could have done.

It's the only promise the movie makes that it doesn't deliver on. Uh, I don't know. It could have been so cool. Maybe we're gonna have to say just found out Jesus was the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Gold. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be to Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. Thank you, Heath. You know who's a great actor? Who's that? Heidi Montag. You're right. Wanted to see way more after the hills. Yeah, absolutely. And her husband, Spencer Pratt. Yeah, they're doing great. They're crushing

it. She's going to be in this movie and sitting somewhere better, I must assume, is our guest maskist and stand up comedian Johnny Taylor, who's had two different number one comedy albums on iTunes and Amazon. And it's also a writer for Hard Times. Johnny, welcome to the show. Thanks so much for having me. It's good to be here. Fantastic. And what a movie.

Yeah. I'm thinking about it right now. I'm not getting any. I'm very confused. I'm very, very confused. I've been thinking about it since I've watched it. It was baffling. Well, all right. Let's get ready to it. Johnny, what are we going to be breaking down today? So we watched Assassin 33 AD. Just the title alone gives you a little bit of a quote. So silly. It's a it's the story of how a radical group goes back in time and decides to let Hitler

live. But go back and kill Jesus. Yes, he does. That's what they led none to do with their. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine the pitch? It's moving. So I guess it's a time travel movie.

Hear me out. Okay. I know it's been done, but we're going to go back and kill Jesus. Okay. We'll circle back to that. You were thinking not kill Hitler, though. You're going straight back past that. Is that what you said?

Yeah, I mean, I figure if Jesus doesn't live househailer in a live. That happened though. That happened in reality. And then you up for sure. It had. They somehow made this movie. All right. Eli, tell us how bad was this movie? Well, if you love quantum mechanics and obscure time travel theory, but you wish fat guy in a red hat would take a crack at him.

You will love this movie. This is the dumbest guy you know in the dumbest universe you know, making a time travel movie and I loved every second of it. That is correct. Yes, very much Josh Fowler's team trying to make a time travel movie. And is there anything you guys like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I went with best bad crime. It becomes almost a through line in the movie of just people not even being able to summon any type of emotional wherewithal. It's just like, have you ever had anything bad happen to you?

Like, you go back and they couldn't do it. They were just like, no, man, I got to just, and then finally, I mean, we'll talk to it near the end of the movie. I'll bring it up again. But there is a scene where they must have just splashed this girl with water. We gotta somehow make this seem real. It's fucking incredible. Oh, it really is. One time we do get crying. It's Heidi Montag and she's crying because God loves her. And that's it. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to go with best worst countdowns. So the main bad guy keeps setting up these big threats where he's going to shoot somebody

if he doesn't get the information in. And the first time this happens, he's like, okay, I'm going to kill your mom in seven six and every like, sorry, we'll do the countdown in a second. Just really quick. You're doing a countdown from seven. You pick seven and he's like, fine, fine. And he does another one soon after that. And he agrees to start on five, like a human fucking being.

But then there's another one at the end and he starts on six. I genuinely had to pause. I was laughing so hard at the six count after dwelling on the sevens for so long. It was the best. Also just the idea that we're going to do a countdown to killing your parents. It's like we're not watching the fucking ball drop on air. It was a weird threat that like somehow it'd be worse if it was delayed by seven more seconds.

And then you set up confetti. I was going to go with best worst subtle unsuttle hate of Muslims. So right, unsuttle I think is the word. Yeah. Yeah. The entire conceit of this movie is that if Muslims got anywhere near time travel, they would kill Jesus because they hate Jesus according to this film. But the film is very clearly trying to dance around their blatant hatred of Muslims. So they'll just keep being like they'll throw in little sentences

here and there being like, man, these Muslims, they just can't get enough of this murdering. My friend, Harik, though, is really nice. Right? We'll get to it. I won't spoil it, but we'll get to their apologetics. It's fantastic. The movie even confuses itself at one point. A Muslim character is like hold on but isn't Jesus a prophet in like our thing? Cut moving on. Yeah. Yeah. I love that part that they use that guy as like the weird baby face character of like hey listen to be fair he is a prophet like they're like we got to be a little

factual here. Right. Because if we don't have this guy telling us Jesus was a prophet and Muslim, the Muslim religion or Islam, we would have no idea why they wanted to kill Jesus. We'd be so confused. That really tied the plot together, the fact that they added that. That was important. Yeah.

All right. We're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, I'll ask what the fuck is happening and hopefully Johnny and Eli can explain the movie. All right, I don't think I can, but why will I? Cool. Eli will explain the movie. Yeah.

Hey everybody, welcome to the first writers room meeting for a Sassin 33 AD. Sorry for the delay this morning. I got stuck in the revolving door for a little while. For a long while. It was a while. Oh, me too. Yeah, those things are hard, right? Yeah.

Okay, so this is a Christian time travel movie about Muslims who go back in time to kill Jesus Christ. Right. So the scientists who made time travel in the movie, they have to go back in time to stop them. Wait, but if they did that using time travel, then what they not need to do it. Oh, right. Right. But then if they didn't do it, the Muslims would go back in time. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it. So then the scientists would go back in time to stop them. And that if they succeeded, they wouldn't need to again.

So, right. So if they do, they don't, which means they do. Yes. No, what? Yes, this movie stuff is hard. Totally right. This is so difficult. This is so difficult.

I mean, not like, revolving, door hard, but yeah, like hard. Thinky. Yeah. And we're back. And we opened this one up with some epic like battle scene music. But we're watching just like a mid-size sedan driving down the street. The music did not line up. It basically required that Thor would jump out and shoot lightning from his hammer or something like that. But it's just the Karen and Chad driving in their practical commuter vehicle with their

two daughters. That's all you see. And the mom here is Heidi Montag. I spoke about at the beginning. That is correct. Yep. And Heidi Montag cannot act for shit. No, she cannot.

No, no, it's not at all. It seems like she is real time translating her lines from Italian into English and she says that. It's crazy. The whole scene is basically her fake crime and it's the worst fake crime I've ever seen. And I've seen a million people pretend to cry. It's so rough. And it starts with a VO from her before we zoom into the car.

And she says, we don't realize it's her though. She says like, there has to be a reason he sent us here. And then we zoom into the car and her husband driving, sitting right next to her, is like, hey, can you stop talking like you're a narrator? What's happening? She just keeps going in a world where my husband won't signal before he changes the way.

It's not Karen and Chad. I was close though. This is Brent and Diane. Brand's going to be semi-main character here. Everyone in this movie has one letter away from a normal name. Right? Everyone's named Brent or Devlin or Cage or something. And no one has the normal name you first here

when their name is announced. Yeah. There's also a ram. He needs several letters before he gets to a name and name. I think it'll be creative. But yeah, there's a ram goldstein. We'll get there. So we're just getting a little exposition here. I brand might as well be like, I'd like to expose it now. And he just says out loud, off above nothing. I went from saving an embassy and killing terrorists to being head of security at a research lab.

I am a protagonist just so everybody knows. And he might as well throw in a Benghazi reference here and be like, and by the way, remember when Hillary Clinton tried to murder me and make a guy. And then this is when Heidi Montag tries to fake cry and it's absolutely terrible. He doesn't understand why. And she's like, oh no, I'm just, I'm just crying because I was thinking about how God loves me. And then hit by a truck, hit by a truck.

Seconds later, giant. The whole car gets flipped over. It's absolutely like this was such a good open. He and I wrote simultaneously in our notes. And this is my favorite movie. That's so funny. Yeah, I was like crash. Wow. God really does work a mysterious way. That one's fucking I got to give it to you. That one's a thinker. That is tricky. So now we get Brent waking up after the crash. He's just lying there on the road and he sees the car and he starts kind of crawling towards

it. The cars flipped upside down and presumably the family's in there. And then immediately the car explodes. The car explodes. But my real question is, why can't this actor crawl? I watch this scene like four times in a row because there's something wrong with his crawl, but I don't know what it is. Yeah. Yeah. What was the director yelling here was just like, make her look like you're bad at crawling. You remember smiegel? You're doing it. Stop being human.

You're doing it towards your family. You see that movie human centipede right? Getting that. It's got an inch of that space away from the toilet. So we get the family getting blown up here. Obviously just giant tragedy again. I was thinking to this point like, all right, we're just going to watch this guy live through agony for two hours, and I'm going to be so happy.

And it wasn't that far off. Yeah, we're not. No, right. I just was thinking, like, wow, Heidi Montag was in this movie for 12 seconds. Right. So the family's dead. Very sad. And now we cut over to a classroom during the end of some kind of physics test. It's the okay, I'm going to save everyone an infinite amount of confusion because they will spend most of this scene talking about it.

This is apparently the Kobayashi Maru physics. Yes, right. No one ever gets a good grade on, but we want to establish that the main character who Heath is already told us his name. Ram Goldstein. Goldstein. That's because of violence Jewish was taken. But we find out that he's like a super genius. He goes to hand in his test and he bumps into one of the women who was also taking the test. This is Amy Lee. She's going to be a

big character too. And then I don't know where he's just like, sorry, I bumped into you. I went to MIT. I'm very smart. I do contract work out of my basement now. And immediately she's like, so you live in your mom's basement. Cool. She also says he's like, Oh, this test was really easy. And she says, Oh, yeah, if you're so smart, how come I haven't heard of you? And I just heard my notes. Okay. Like, who is the society have heard of one smart guy? And he's dead now. So like, there's no reason why you would know. I know. Like he's on the cover of people for being smart. Listen, people magazine 1968, MIT, valedictorian, well,

salutarian, but you know, I was for half the year. Read a book, a magazine, whatever. But she ends up asking him out to dinner here, but he doesn't get it. And I understand, like, just be clear. Well, to be fair, neither of them get it because this, this dialogue's insane. She goes, I bet you dinner that he didn't ace that test and he goes, okay, but we won't have the scores for like a couple of weeks. And he's like, uh, uh, get the hint.

And he's like, that's not a hint. It's just you lied. You said a bad way to ask me. Just weren't a liar. Which you didn't lie. Okay. I remember thinking like this was like the most unlikely date ever. I was like, how did they, they were both so bad at speaking to each other? I was like, how did they ever figure out that this was a date?

This was rough. And then we cut over to the date. We're in, well, his mom's basement where Ram decided the date should begin. And just side note for anybody, don't go on dates that start in basements. Just that's you drop right out at that point. If there's any mention of going to a basement. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. She's in his basement because she's serial killing on easy moat. And his first recommendation is, hey, what if we skipped the dinner that I agreed to pay for at a restaurant, and I microwave some

stakes that I have ready right here. For a dumb fuck. I was like, we're treating this obvious sound stage. And this is where we get our first hint of the Christian movie here. She stops before they eat to say grace, but I will say we've seen a lot of this seeing 245 Christian movies where oh, the non Christian doesn't know what grace is. This is the first time someone said grace and it's been misunderstood to be a kiss. Right. Never. Never was grace and a death on a three way with God.

Yeah. She's like, wait, hold on before we eat. And he's like, guess you now. And she's like, nope, nope. We say grace. And I was just like, oh man, I'm diving out the non-existent window of this basement here, just smashing into the wall over and over. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. I'm going to get out. But apparently by the end of it, they're dating. Yep. They move fast. They might as well put up a title card like a silent film, yada, yada, yada, they're the romantic interests. We're the main characters established.

Oh, and from there, we cut back to Brent, who's now in a very tragic spiral of depression from his dead family, which they've represented by the two beer bender that he's on. Get your TBRs and me shit starts getting wild. To be fair, it's quarantine right now when we're recording this episode. So brand looks like everyone I know in the United States. That's fair. Except with way less beers. I've been praying so many times. Well, I'm guessing though you wouldn't keep your kids doll, your dead child's doll right there to just like, like put her hair onto the doll and stroke it during your second beer. It's just very high risk behavior.

It's very awesome. And then of course, we have some fantastic, almost shooting himself back and forth here. Oh, yeah. This almost went from zero to shore film really quick. That would be great actually. Oh, incredible. But again, a first for us and part of what makes this movie so excellent when he decides not to kill himself, he throws the gun and I wanted so badly for it to accidentally go off and shoot him. Oh, I know.

We all good. I poor people that have watched this movie wanted that to happen. Absolutely. But this is his big atheism moment. So he was a Christian before this. And he's thinking about killing himself. And then he's like, Nope, I'm not a coward. But then he starts giving God a speech like, Hey, man, Kavi, quick note, you're really bad at being God. You know what? I'm not Christian anymore. And he takes his like Benghazi award plaque that he has and throws it in his fire and he quits

the monotheism. So he's an atheist now. Yeah, it's so weird because it's like he's never read the Bible. It's like he's so clearly jub in the scenario. God has done it before. He's taken entire families. He's made it worse for other people. Think, just read the book that you like. Yeah, just be grateful you haven't gotten the boils yet. But I want to talk about this plaque for just half a second. It's very obviously like a real plaque that this actor cares about because what he does is he takes the plaque down and then incredibly, gently sets it like halfway into the fireplace and then it immediately cuts so he can get hot paws medals out of the fire. What's his GD?

Yeah. Can you put that into the fire? Like it says in the script. Fuck you. Serious. Work a lot of money. Asshole. Just cut right before I'm about to put in.

Yeah. So that very tragic atheism conversion scene ends. And now we're in a science lab with Amy and Ram. And we know it's a science lab because of the nonsense math equations that are on a whiteboard. It's so good. And we know it's a science lab because of the nonsense math equations. They're on a whiteboard. It's so good. I was furious.

Apparently, apparently the volume of a cylinder is crucial to like national security. They're in this lockdown lab. It's so ridiculous. This is the first time that this movie shows its true brilliance, right? Because this so far, good, bad movie, but I've seen it's like, this is the first time you realize that this is going to be the dumbest people ever trying to make a smart guy movie. And it begins with this chalkboard behind them. What might as well read two plus two equals question. Shun Moor. I know. It's like a barely doable mind. Right. So here's what's happening.

This lab is owned by a guy named Ahmed Akbar. And this is the oh my god. The lazy. They were just like name Muslim words. Oh, we'll start with a maze. Amen, Akbar. Got it. We looked up words related to Muslim starting with a done. Very good. Very good little names of Islam and we're like, okay, this is the first one that comes up. So we learn that he's the owner of this lab.

We're looking at a headline about them. That's how we learn this. And we also find out that he is apparently the world's number one ranked refugee, which is a rankings board that exists. I did not heard it for breaking him. Okay, let's just be clear. I don't know how Malala lost that spot,

but this guy must have done something really excellent. Right. I still have Duke and Kansas ahead of him. I'm sorry. He chose my final four tricks, but I don't have a shot. You got to pick some Cinderella's though. You're not going to win a big pool otherwise. The wild card ruined the whole bracket. It's fucking bullshit.

So this is one of five labs we find out, and they're all competing to build the first matter transfer machine for the US government. And Ram is the only person who got a perfect score on that genius test. That's what that was. That Kobayashi Maru test was like a physics genius test to see who would work at this lab. Ram's the only person who got a perfect score. Amy got a pretty good score. She's on the team. There's a couple other people Felix and Simon were going to be on the team. But Ram, his IQ is technically infinity and he's the smartest person in the world. And they have this little fight there where they're like, come on, man, we want to break. And he's like, no, I have to run another algorithm. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I want so badly to know what the people who made this movie thinking algorithm. Oh, they They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know that they went right from the test to like, okay, you guys, this is the biggest project of all time. And this is where Amy

wants to say grace before they do each algorithm too. We are going to eat these algorithms. She starts praying and ram's like, hey, you know, praying doesn't work, right? And she's like, you want to put your penis in my vagina. And he's like, I'm sorry, science and prayer are equal. Yes. Correct. Correct. Let me fucking me. And this is where we meet Simon, the sassy black super genius scientist. The best character in a whole flick in my life. He's incredible. He absolutely is.

He spends this scene refusing to get out of the fly machine. Right. They're about to test another algorithm, which means they're going to like run a teleportation program and zap a ball from one platform to another. But Simon like takes his chair and just sits down inside the platform and is like, you're not going to do it again. I'm going to sit right here. I don't care.

I'm fine. Which in a normal like work environment, that would be kind of funny, but Ram gets irrationally upset. I'm like, why are you so mad, dude? Oh, he's just having some fun. This is also where we learn that if they succeed in matter teleportation, matter teleportation, they will receive a $2 million bonus. Toilet.

Which seems super low for discovery teleportation. I feel a little bit more than that. I feel like teleportation. I'd like to get paid a little bit more than that. Yeah, we also find out that they've landed We're discovering teleportation. I feel like teleportation. I'd like to get paid a little bit more than that. Yeah, we also find out that they've landed on lightning-based teleportation as the best way to go. So we see that happen once.

That's the thing that's to be fair. Yeah, right. It's, I mean, lightning is, it moves things, right? Lightning, it's fast. I don't know. It's bright. So, so I'm in Simon finally gets up out of the chair and they turn on the algorithm and lightning zaps the chair and the chair explodes. So it's not

exactly working. I'm just glad Simon got out. Yeah, he was great. I needed him throughout the movie. So then we move on to later that day and they all find out that Ahmed, Karan Muslim Akbar is coming to check on their progress. Yeah. And they're worried he's going to be super mad that they didn't invent teleportation in three months. Yeah, this scene is our, we, we, we, and trouble. And I want to be like, yeah, on second thought, we probably shouldn't have put the testing

thing like, you know, right in the middle of be like, yeah. On second thought, we probably shouldn't have put the testing thing like, you know, right in the middle of our computer, Frank. Right. Yeah, let's see right after it is just not being very stressed out that they're going to be jobless. Right. So I'm at Joe's happy walks in and he's all like happy and smile and he's like, oh, you guys blew up my lab with, with lightning

classic. It was lightning right now. Like, yeah, we tried to teleport with lightning. He's like, oh, that's cool. That's cool. Ram Goldstein. Wow. Number one ranked science, sir, in the world.

I'm the number one refugee. I don't know if you heard that so cool. We're going to want it stuff. We're going to. But it turns out he's not mad because he shows them a video and right before it explodes, the chair teleported. So now they're not in trouble. They're his first ranked science.

Apparently he has a ranking system for his science teams and they've just been bumped up to first place because of the explosion. Also, what that means is their experiment was, all right, we're gonna zap Lightning and teleport this thing from this platform to this platform. And their method of figuring out if it worked was one of them was supposed to like look at the second platform and nobody did this time. Right, they're like, that was, the Lightning was very distracting.

The best part is they're like, wow, us being dumb ended up making us even smarter. We are the smarter people in the world. We make brilliant accidents. Right. Oh yeah. Right. But the accident kind of worked. They realized they might have teleportation. So they seal up the teleportation room that they've created, whatever the fuck that means. And now they're getting an even better lab. I'm at upgraded them. Here's your new lab. It's much nicer. As you can see, it is very blue, very blue. Same sound stage, but didn't take off the spike tape this time. Is there a graph paper area? There is a graph paper area. Okay, we're going to be able to do a lot more here. He also informs them like he heard our earlier criticism that if they invent teleportation again, they get a $10 million bonus for each of you.

What it's so badly for one of them to raise their hands and be like, I'm so sorry, it seems to be a scaling system. At what point, like, what's the max out on this? Is there a sale? Is there a commission cap? I don't want to be a dick. If I invent teleportation, I'm going to teleport like all your money, like hundreds of millions, all of them what you have. I'm going to teleport it into my house. That's what's going to happen.

I also love the fact that Ram was never like, well, I've kind of been doing all the work. I think my cut should be bigger. So now we cut away from them and then we get a reestablishing shot so that we know we're in the same building that we were in in the last scene. They'll do this again and again. This is the only place that we are other than one other absurd location that we'll explain when we get there. The only place we ever are is this lab. But we're at this lab still and Brent, who recently became an atheist to spite God. That's what they think is happening with atheism. He's here to meet with Ahmed. Brent is head of security at this lab. That's what he was talking about before. Right. But Ahmed knows about the dead family.

So it's half my condolences and half. Now if we could get you to watch this orientation video on sexual harassment. I know. Also like Brant security business card literally looks like a print vista bell bondsman. Just like this security. It looks like a print vista bell bondsman. Just like this security looks like a stamp. Come on. Right. He's in the meeting with Ahmed and my man's like, yeah, I really sorry about the whole dead family thing. Brands like it's cool.

I'm an atheist now. No problems. You know, nothing matters. He also commiserates with brand to about how they both have dead family members in a really weird way. The bonding scene. Yes, this is his origin story, which is that his parents were killed for being Christians. Right. Right.

Wait, for being Christians, is that what? Yes. They were killed for being Christians. So we do totally do back to that. And we see like the slow motion murder of his parents. Again, here's the anti-Muslim bias jumping right out to the forefront. The bad guys who are all like white guys from New Jersey are like glory to Allah and then slit his parents' throats.

Oh, yeah. And the kid playing Ahmed's character couldn't look like he gave less of a fuck that is dad to him. He's like, no, no, okay. And then again, because this movie is fucking perfect, his doodly-do gets interrupted by Brent, who's like, sorry, do you mind? I was kind of in the middle of my tragic narrative. And the guy's like, yeah, sorry about that. Was I doodly doing? I apologize. I do.

Right in the middle of the thing. And then they awkwardly handshake hug. It was warm. We go in and we're doing hug, we're doing the double tap, single, three, I'll start at seven. Seven taps. No, that's weird. Seven's weird. Okay. So we chose, let's pray first though. So their meeting is over and now we're back in the lab with Ram and Amy and they're working

on quantum teleportation, which is harder than I thought, according to Ram. This is literally the first line of the scene is, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. How hard did you think quantum teleportation was? But Amy has an idea. She's like, I think I know the problem. I think I know the problem and she stands up and pulls her hair back and I was like, what the fuck is happening? Is this porn? Yeah, all of my notes to hear are turn it to porn, turn it to porn. It's gonna turn it to porn. It does. Yeah. So she's gonna relax him. They go over into the corner out of the way the cameras in their room and start making out a little bit. Yeah. And this making out is next level their brother and sister make. Yeah. It is. It's the most awkward to people that look like they don't want to kiss. Yeah, it's not. They keep getting the same angle like the two people trying to walk past each other on

the sidewalk being like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, we keep bumping heads. This is not working. Yeah. Seriously, Disney movie kissing. Right. But as they're making out, all of a sudden, Ram is like, did you hear that? I'm pretty sure I heard the sound of hacking. Yes.

They're next to like a server cabinet and he can hear what hacking sounds like from near it. Next level. And so he patches into something with something with a computer, he computers the computer and he figures out that a guy named Rashad Amir. The other two Muslim names they knew, right? Rashad Amir, presumably the world's number one ranked terrorist. I have to imagine. He is somehow hacked into the communications of this lab. Ram gets a video feed that's coming in somehow and he sees Rashad on like Skype. And Rashad Amir is on Skype with Ahmed, who

we find out right here is also a bad guy. Ahmed is working with Rashad Amir to invent teleportation to use for terrorism. For terrorism. He's inventing a teleportation machine so he can put like bombs and devices. Right. I love the LeBram's reaction. It's like, oh man, that shady boss guy. He's like, I'm not going to do that coming. Yeah, big, big plot twist. And this is one of my favorite parts of the movie. We learned that Ahmed, yeah, he should have been completely anti Islamic extremist because

his parents literally got killed by a group like that. But he has the most aggressive, the world's number one ranked case of Stockholm syndrome ever. So he's also the terrorist and we will never discuss that ever again. That will be their one explanation for why he is a bad guy because their movie makes no sense. And then he's just going to be a straight villain for the rest of the movie. Stockholm syndrome. Yep. All right. Now we're back with the rest of the team and they're trying to figure out the Python code for quantum teleportation on their computers. But again, they're doing it wrong on purpose. Ram and Amy are doing it wrong on purpose because now they know it's going to be used

to like teleport a looking anarchists cartoon bomb into Alex Jones's compound. Right. I wrote like the underlying stress of like, dude, we got to do this in a day. We gotta get this shit about the day. He said by the end of Thursday and the plan that Ram lands on here is absurd. He's like, guys, we have to, it's gotta be done by Thursday. I feel like we're making this harder than it has to be. What if we just make a simple time machine? And that's basically also already a teleportation machine, right? That's both.

Right. That's right. It does, it does both. Thanks. Oh. And then he realizes he's had an epiphany. He's figured something out. He figured out that like, all right, I know how many do the time travel, which will then do the teleportation also. And he's like, everybody leave, everybody get out. I'm not going to masturbate in the past or the future.

That's not why I don't have to leave. So again, here's the science that this movie gives us. And it's so fucking good. The problem with his teleportation machine is that he's been trying to send the same object to the same time, but you can send an object to a different time. Yeah, that seems way easier. Right, and he decides like, oh, let me just measure the amount of seconds it takes to get the ball from this platform to this platform.

That's about, I'm going to say 1.4 seconds as I moved it with my hand just now. I'll just type in 1.4 seconds into the time travel box of my program here. And it works. Look, I did time travel. Great. That's our travel. But we type it into my Commodore 64. If I can make the master of moving chiff or terrace.

I mean, it's so good at pitfall. Because he realizes that the terrorists are going to use this. He literally tries to shove the proof of his time travel into his mouth. Oh, right. Yeah, he, he tests his new theory on a little ball and the ball doesn't exact some amount of the ball transports, but also I think a little like rubber eraser appears on the platform too. And he just like, no idea.

And eats it. It didn't make it. What happened here? I have no idea. He just shoved it in his mouth. Nobody knows why he shoved it in his mouth. I wanted so badly for terrorist guy to kick down the door and be like, come on, no, drop it.

Drop it. Go. Boom. Boom. You got to make a sweeping motion behind you. But as he does this, we see like evil Muslim security guys on security cameras watching him do this and being like, did you see that? Was that an eraser?

I'm pretty sure you just invented time travel, right? That's a time travel. That's a time travel. Yup. So they run in with guns to stop him from secretly inventing time travel without telling them how it works, I guess. I don't know, I can't, that's the only way I can explain

what's happening here. Yeah, the security footage of just an eraser appearing there and they immediately connect that with like, this guy's figured it out. I figured it all out. Yeah. So Ram has to go to Ahmed's office now to explain why he would have an eraser, one of the telltale signs of time travel. And I might as well explain the eraser. And he's like, no, no, it's not, it's not time travel.

If you think about it, that eraser from the future was already there, right? Because just think about it. Stupid. I love how he's, he's like, he's telling the guy, he's like, you can't travel through time. And he's like, really? Because we could like go back and kill Hitler to which Ram responds. Yeah. But then you might make super Hitler. Yeah. Yeah.

Ram in a bold move argues against killing Hitler. I just like, I just must about one coming. Hey, man, are you the protagonist? What did you just say? Okay. Uh, yeah, are you the protagonist? What did you just say? Okay. Uh, yeah, it's weird. He's like, but I really want to go back

and bang Martin McFly's mom. But he's been a really aw twist to the move. Yeah, he does say like, Hey, man, we're going to fuck up the space time continuum. And I wanted him to be like, yeah, have you, have you not like, well, you're making out with your mom or something. That happens like watch a movie, man. Obviously save the clock tower. But then the bad guy in the movie is like, no, a lot obviously wants me to kill Hitler. So that was a weird flip flop when the movie got super confused with itself.

That was a weird flip flop when the movie got super confused with itself. Well, what's amazing is, again, keep in mind, this is a religious movie made by religious people because Grant then responds, why did Aala let Hitler rise to power if he wants you to kill him with time travel? And he's like, fuck you, that's our argument. I mean, I will torture the secrets of time travel out of you. And then they taser ram and throw them in a jail cell. Right, but not before he corrects their caging technique. Yeah. This is amazing. He literally stops. I mean, he's like, Hey, just so you know, like you're gagging me wrong, you're going to want to put something in my mouth. That's kinda the whole point of a gag. And the guards are like, thanks.

Thank you. You're gagging feedback. Well, it's fun. All right, well, now that Ram explained how to properly gag someone, he is gagged now, which is a great time to take a break. And then we'll be back with a very coherent narrative about time travel. Yeah, we will.

Can't wait. Take him away, man. We have ways of making him talk right away, sir. Seriously? Seriously what? Your gag is just a piece of cloth. Yeah. Well, that's not really a gag, is it? It's like a mouth cover, right? Also my hands are tied in the front, so like, I'm going to take this off when you guys

leave, so. Right, so, right, so we tie you behind your back. Honestly, tying isn't ideal. There's just like a lot of wiggle room when you try and tie up right? Okay, yeah, yeah. These are good notes. What do we time do a chair? We'll time now.

Better? Yes. And then gag you. Yeah. All right. Now, now I'm being held hostage. All right. Okay.

Now call me a little pig. For the, what? For the, for the kid that thing? Yeah, it's important call me a little pig. For the, what? For the kidnap thing? Yeah, it's important. Do it. Okay, you're a little pig. Mm, yeah, I am. Oh, dude.

What? You have a boner. What? No, I, okay, I, that is a fear boner because you guys are scaring me so much as a hostage. It's Not better. That one.

Homophobic. Homophobic. Okay. No, you're wrecking this. Oh, I don't even want to time anymore. Let's just not come on guys. Guys, I'm going to escape. Guys, don't do this.

Hey, hey, Heath, is Johnny here yet? Uh, no, why? I want to give him these. You want to give him a handful of loose pills? I don't think he's going to want those. Aw, come on, Heath! I got everything in here. I got, I got uppers, I got downers,

even some hair loss meds. The vet gave me. The vet gave him to you? Yes, yes he did. Eli, why don't you just go to 4Hims.com. What's 4Hims.com? There are one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Okay, pills from a website heath, pee on the other one.

That's not the expression. And 4Hims connects you to real doctors online. Okay, the doctors are real, but what about the pills? That's not the expression. And four hymns connects you to real doctors online. Okay, the doctors are real, but what about the pills? Prescription solutions backed by science. So like if we wouldn't get in trouble, we could say a popular brand name of hair loss medication and then people listening to this would be like,

oh, you can get that online now? That's cool. Exactly, yes, you could do that. Nice, how do I sign up? Right now, our listeners can get started with their first month Free just go to four hymns.com slash Gam. That's four hymns.com slash Gam Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate Offer valid only if prescribed three month minimum subscription additional restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information

Remember that's four hymims.com slashgam. All right, sorry, Johnny. No handful of pills for you. Well, I mean, you could still offer them. Right? Yeah. Green M&Ms. But pills, exactly. Yeah. And we're back. When we left off, they threw Ram in a jail cell that they have at their science lab, obviously. Now we're back in the computer room with the evil scientists

trying to figure out Ram's time travel Python code, but he encrypted it and then he deleted it and then he shredded it. He did all of those things. Feels like deleting would have been fine by itself, but he shredded a hard drive, I guess, in a shredder. Can never be a tea saying. Evil scientist extra might as well say, he hit okay after he said empty trash. There's nothing we can do.

Right. So now a med needs to have a meeting with Br brand about time travel security for his facilities. Gotta get brand on board with all this now that they have time travel. It's even more important. And he goes, literally, he walks up to him and he's like, Brent, I must speak to you about something. And I wrote as a joke in my notes, hey, this guy made time travel. We need you to torture it out of him. But that is not just what going to happen. It's what brand suggests. He's like, so this guy means like, you want me to torture it out of him? And he's like, wow, all right. Here you go. Yeah. I have a certain specific set of skills. I'm an atheist. I don't know if I told you.

I have no absolute morality. I will torture. I go. He literally looks at him like, I'll get him to talk. I'm an atheist now. So that's their plan. They're going to torture it out of them. And then we see a med telling the rest of Rams team, hey, great job. You guys invented time travel or at least Ram did also your kidnapt from now on. If that's okay, you will get paid your bonus, but you are kidnapped. So that's that's good news. Bad news. Right. I know.

That guy's character. Oh my god. But the scientists are like, oh, well, I mean, good news, good news. We kind of like it here. It's nice. Yeah, my rooms. Right. They didn't seem too stressed.

So there we cut over to Brent torturing Ram or the time travel secrets. Yeah, and he's just punching him in the face. Yeah. I'm at walks in and brands like, I got this. I know he hasn't said anything yet, but if I punch him like five or six more times, I think he's going to break and tell us time travel. We'll be all set. Yeah.

This is pushing. I was like, I don't know what's wrong. I mean, Atheus. But Ahmed has a plan of his own. He's like, don't worry. I'm gonna murder his parents. So he has to use time travel to save them. He'll tell us that that's what we'll definitely

figure it out. Yeah, at one point Ram even says, give me more time. And I'm like, to use the time machine, I don't have to put it like use the time machine, go back, give myself an extra hour. But this is where brand draws the line. He's cool with torture, but not parental threatening. And he expresses this concern. And I'm as like, brand sidebar, please can I have a sidebar? Can I speak with you in the hall for a whisper fight? No, you're embarrassing me in front of Ram, who were trying to torture the secrets to

time travel. Dr. Cloudber said, you shouldn't interrupt me when you have guests over. I'm using my eye messages. You need eye feel statements that, yes, remember, he said that. He said that. that's important. But his actual defense is, look, we're not really going to kill his parents. It's a, it's a prank. It's a jpeh, a hula-balew. Come on. You've never pretended to kill someone's parents.

Come on. This is just, this is how business negotiation works. I slide his dead parents across the table and then he does that. Everybody knows that. Art of the deal. It should be noted in this particular scene, a meds character is wearing this ridiculous dark green like shimmery t-shirt combo. He literally looks like the concierge of the holiday. So I just, I'll take this new seriously. No, right. So they're out of the hall. They have their little whisper fight. And then they walk back into the room with Ram. And I'm as like, all right, as you can see in my dedicated viewing room through the glass there that I use for murder

negotiations, my henchmen are going to kill your parents. I'm going to kill them in seven seconds. And this is what I saw the best of her. And I was like, what? Just do five or ten man. It's a five or ten situation. You're being weird. Kills the dad in seven seconds, then kills the mother in 13 seconds. You might think

you would get double the time to think about your mother's death, but no, almost double the time. Okay, almost all right. So now we watch brand thinking about this ethical dilemma of parent murder and time travel. He's walked down some other hallway and he's just sitting on a bench being mopey. He has this great line where he goes, I'm not the bad guy here. And I just wrote my notes. Really? How's that? How's that? You're kind of vanishing. You're just doing your job. You're just doing your job. That's an excuse for everybody ever in all of history. It's fun. And then he gets angry at God as an atheist again. Yeah, weird flex. And then we go back to a med and he's decided he's going to ramp

it up. Now that he's killed the parents, he's got to somehow do something bigger because he doesn't have the time travel secrets yet. So he's grabbed Amy now, which is Rams girlfriend, I guess. Yeah. And he's going to give him five seconds this time. And I kid you not. He says, I'll give you five seconds this time. And Rams, like, I don't know if I can do it. And he goes three, two. We'll just say you could do it. That counted it's two seconds. All right. I'm going to count up the Fibonacci sequence to 13.

One, one, two. But finally, you know, apparently he really didn't care for his parents because he agrees to do it. He's just going to need three days to figure it out. Yeah, he's like three days. Jesus came back in three days so this should be hell easier. All right. So now it's three days later. We three days later right away. It's right away three days later. That's the fucking dumb. They wrote that into the script and then they were like, Oh, fuck, we have literally nothing to happen between that scene and the just saying yes. What do we have them do? I want to know, I can't wait for the

sequel where they explain what happened for those three days. We were just like time travel, Python, time travel. For loop. For loop of time. It's like I got to really look three days ahead of me. Right. So it's now immediately three days later, we're reestablished in the same building. In case anybody was terrified where we might have gone, we haven't gone anywhere. We're in the same building.

And we're going to see if Ram figured out time travel for people, not just objects. Right. No beta testing on this. And I'm at just instructs a random henchman to get onto the time path. He's all you are disposable. Get in there. Yeah. Also, he calls it a time pad.

And like for technology, you're inventing right away. It's super quick to just be calling stuff the time pad. Yeah. I feel like that's presumptuous, but that's what they've called it. Like getting the tardis. Yeah. And we also learn here that you can't time travel unless you wear Rams special Apple watch that he invented. You'll, you'll explode otherwise or something like that.

Yeah. I spend the movie calling it the time Fitbit. That's what I did. Yeah. Yeah. It's time travel Fitbit again. Yeah. It actually does keep track of your vitals. They say that. So it's very silly. Yes. It's a it's a temporal Fitbit. With all this time travel, I'm not getting my steps in it all. Right. time travel, I'm not getting my steps in it all. Right. So he give the time fit bit to one of the henchmen and they're like, get in the lightning

e area. And he's like, he's like fine, fine, but he does it kind of hesitantly. He goes, he like slowly reaches his hand and arm in to the area. And I was like, that's, that's not a good idea. That's just going to send your arm through time by itself. I wrote in my notes. I definitely wouldn't ease my way into the time machine, too. So this is an all-in-house, I mean, I wanted his arm to go into the future and just start

like punch in people five seconds before they see it. No, nothing fun like that happens, but it sort of works that the henchman gets at least transported from one pad to the other. And now he's a henchman in the past in the present. I don't know. Thus begins a ridiculous, I have no idea what's happening for the rest of the movie time travel scenario. Yeah. thus begins this movie's attempt to take off its shoes to count to 20. Yeah, we're going to count to 22. But this is where he announced his plan that he is going to go back in time and kill Jesus Christ. And he's going to get Brent and a team of his soldiers to do it for him. Um, Ed's going to stay in lab and he's going to send his team to do it.

And he's like, Hey, Brent, you're still kind of salty about God killing your family, right? So let's have you go back murder Jesus. That'll fix it. How'd you like to kill his kid? I love the pitch to where he's like, we want to make sure Jesus is legit, right? I think they use that exact phrasing multiple times in the movie. Like, you think Jesus is legit? Yeah. The only time, the only time I've ever said,

is this thing legit is about something I knew for sure wasn't legit. Yeah. So webcam, you bought in a public park somewhere in 2019. Do you think this time Sharon Costa Rica is legit? Right. Generally not good. It shows the underlying lack of faith of the of the writers and directors of the stuff. Right. So that's where they've landed though. I'm Ed has decided we're canceling Christianity. And I was like, okay, I mean, that's not the worst thing you could do with a time machine. Yeah, I wrote the same thing I wrote, not going to lie, I'm kind of on board. Right. Right. I was like, I was like,

actually, I'm not a gone. I wouldn't want to be like the trigger man or anything, but I was definitely watched unfold. Yeah. Nobody killed my family because of religion, but still like, they a lot of families got killed because of religion just constantly. Bible themed Westworld, exactly. Yeah. Right.

So now we cut back to the kidnap science team. And they're being held, for some reason, not in the jail cell area, they're being held inside their lab with access to all their computers and all the cameras and everything. Yeah, yeah, weird lock up. Right. And this is where we introduce like foreigner character who can hackity hack the cameras. Like he's been in the movie up until this point, but this is where he will basically be fit into the holes of the computer like a sprop get.

Yeah, that is Felix, I believe. Felix, he's one of the other nerds on the team. And he's got the cameras up and he sees Ahmed teleporting, brand and his team of soldiers using the time platform. He sees him disappear. And he's like, why would they send team of soldiers through time? That doesn't make any sense. Oh, he's bad guy, right?

Okay. Got it. They're like, I wonder where they're going. Oh, you'll find out. Yeah. They're parked outside. But yeah, they hack and they hack their way through the computers and they find past brand. So this is where the movie gets confusing. Don't worry, we're going to lead you through

it by the hand. So this scene takes place before the last scene and they're going to go have their way through the building and find time traveling now to that is exactly. They find ram in the past. Now when you watch the whole movie, that will make sense because and then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that.

And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. And then we can't even think of a way to do that. going further back in time, even though they watch the future on the television monitor. Buckle in. This is a time travel movie made by stupid people. I have no idea what Eli just said, but the movie continues nonetheless.

Yeah, it keeps going. And we get right now the greatest cut in movie history. Absolutely no doubt. We are now in 33 AD watching Jesus Christ, the Son of God, praying in the woods somewhere in ancient Israel. Oh, and boy do they get right to it. They do. Yep. It's like plow and killing Jesus seems like it was should have been harder. Yeah. Okay. So this is where I got confused because like, this is definitely a Christian movie, but they, they don't make Jesus put up much of a fight really.

No. Jesus didn't even deak away from it. He was just like, all right, I'm just going to take this one like a champ. Yeah. He did seem to know what was about to happen though. So, Brant and the soldiers appear in 33 AD, like 30 feet away from Jesus somehow. And Jesus hears the magical noise of that happening. And he's like fuck, time traveling terrorists are going to kill me, aren't they? Plastic. This is going to be a whole thing. I don't know. Which means in this timeline, God in his moment

of the take this cup from me in the garden, God was like, okay, you thought that cup was weird. Let me hit you with this news. So you're about to die, right? Time-traveling atheists from the future are going to come back and shoot you in the face. What? Yeah. But God did not run out by. Yeah, but God did not run out by So when they first arrived by the way, I wanted these soldiers to be like ah Fuck okay, we have to walk to Nazareth now. I don't know Wait, hold on it's Galilee is that that's in Nazareth or Nazareth is in Galilee what And then we just watch them walk through ancient Israel for a while. That's the rest of the minute.

Rest them in the means of walking to Nazareth. Right. But he's right there. They see Jesus and they're like, pretty sure that's our guy. Takes out a Renaissance painting. Yup, that's Jesus Christ. That's definitely him. Let's go kill him.

And boy, they kill him so fast. They do. There's no suspense to the killing of Jesus. No. Look, Christian movie or no, I did not expect this movie to show someone shooting Jesus in the face. Oh, it's no. I do love the argument that they have here.

The argument between Jesus and Brent, Brent goes up to Jesus. He's got him on the ground now and they've killed a bunch of the disciples and they see the Roman guards are about to show up and take him to the crucifixion so they need to get this done in time. So Brent's standing over Jesus and he's like, Hey man, if you're really the son of God, you'll stop these bullets, won't you? And Jesus is like, well, you know what? I might just allow the bullets. Have you heard of a crucifixion? It's kind of... I'm going to, you know what? I might just allow the bullets. Have you heard of a crucifixion?

It's kind of, I'm going with the bullets. It's like old, it's like old timey bullets. First of all, imagine actually it need to be so mad at God and then getting to kill him with your own hands. That's so tight. Yeah. Yeah. My skin character is like, man,

this is the ultimate revenge story. I was mad at God and then I got to kill him in the flesh. Yeah. Yeah. My two characters like, man, this is the ultimate revenge story. I was mad at God and then I got to kill him in the flesh. Yeah. Wow. This is what the people who made this movie think is like the perfect atheist revenge plot. Like, we'd all love this. And honestly, this part maybe, I don't know if God killed my family.

If I was convinced of that. I don't know that I would care that much. I was just going to keep moving all my life. Right. I also wouldn't be an atheist at that point. They don't seem aware of that. Okay. I know that you have to, if you can't kill God without believing it.

Okay. Back to the script. Yeah. Right. So he's like, this is for killing my family, motherfucker. And he's about to shoot him in one more time. God argues back or Jesus argues back. And he's like, nope, this is me.

I'm killing me. This doesn't count. You didn't do it. I did it. Right, right. Sorry. I'm so thrilled side by you. Oh my God. I wanted them to be, I wanted Jesus to like run over to a tree and put his hands out. I'm safe. I'm saying, you can't kill me. No, because I got your jacket.

You didn't get it. You didn't. At any point do you think't kill me. No, because I got your jacket. You didn't get it. You didn't. At any point do you think Jesus is like, damn, Judas isn't that bad. And by the way, this is the moment where they first notice, hey, hold on. Was that guy speaking fucking English to us? I heard Jesus Christ speaking English. And that comes up. Yeah, that comes back a bunch. I wanted them to realize like, oh man, there must be like time travel going on.

Somebody, and they turn around and like a massage team is just laughing at him like, yeah, we already did this idiot. You're so blind. Right, right. Yep, but Christianity is now canceled according to their plan and it's time to go back to the present. With Jesus' body, by the way, yeah, right. They're going to take the corpse. I didn't understand that part, but we cut back to Ram and the team watching on the video cameras, the soldiers and the corpse of Jesus being transported back to the present.

It doesn't body back. I'm just, oh, this seems unnecessary. Really wanted him to leave the body bag of turin behind. And at this point, I'm thinking to myself, why would they bring the body back? That's really weird. And then I thought, okay, if Ram Goldstein, the Jewish scientist has to crucify Jesus Christ to fix Christianity in the present,

this is the best movie ever. They don't get there. Spoiler alert, this is so close to the best movie ever. It really is though. We also learned some science here. I guess this is though. We also learned some science here. I guess this is important. Ram explains that the time dimension when this happens, when you travel in time, the time dimension then has to perform like, like a long Windows update on itself.

And we write itself. So they have like five minutes before their present, now future selves, now present. I don't know them, whatever, themselves in this scene would get overwritten into a new timeline, but they've got a little bit of time because of the buffering. I really wanted to work like a VHS like there's, you know, there's that little gap where you see a bit of the old timeline on there because you didn't record the same commercial breaks as the old one. One other note on this scene when he realizes that he's gone back in time to kill Jesus, he says, I get it. It's the ultimate jihad.

Yeah. Made a sound like an Nintendo 64. Right. But Amy also went back in time with Ram here and she starts arguing with him about theology. She's like, hold on, but Jesus is God. He wouldn't let this happen. He wouldn't let the ultimate jihad happen, right? And Ram's like, you're stupid. But okay, no, let's assume you're not stupid. Jesus obviously has a plan and that plan involves us winning a time machine fight.

That's clearly part of the plan now. We are doing this. It's now for office. Yeah. It should be noted that the science conversation that just precedes the theological conversation, the dialogue is complete and utter trash. It's confusing. Like the actors and actresses have no idea what they're talking about.

It confused me. I imagine every single person that ever watched this movie was just like, I have no fucking idea what they're talking about. And then as the scene wraps up to make it even more confusing, he says, I programmed a mcguffin fix into the movie code of your time travel Fitbit. Just say Einstein save parents. And it'll send you back to before my parents are killed. I programmed it quote, wall pretending to be asleep. And I just really want to see that scene. Yeah, oh my god. Yeah, that's in the director's cat. Hey, Steve.

Yeah, Rick, what's up? What's the science guy doing? Oh, Steve. Yeah, Rick, what's up? What's the science guy doing? Oh, nothing. Looks like he's taking a nap. I think he's taking a nap. Why? Is he typing? Oh, yeah.

Kind of looks like he's typing. Yeah. Do people sleep type? I guess so. Because that guy's's definitely sleep and typing. Yeah, I guess so. It's weird. Yeah. We're guards.

We're guards. Yeah, we are. Yep. Yeah, that made absolutely no sense. I don't know what sleep type programming would be. Okay, so I just want to review. Tell me if I have this correct, the plan now that we are to believe is the plan of Jesus Christ was to get crucified, resurrect,

start Christianity, have that go for like 1900 years, including having the Holocaust, blow right past that, definitely have that. Then like a hundred years after that, have a guy invented time machine, have it get stolen by jihadists, but then have the jihadists lose a time machine fight to some nerds. That's the plan of God. So, yeah, mysterious ways. Okay. Right. So they decide, all right, we're going to go back to the present and we're going to figure this out. So then we watch Amy and Ram appear in the present together. The other two guys stayed in the past for a little bit, just in case Amy and Ram get like shot by security as soon as they pop back into the lab. So they have like two shots at it. So yep, Felix and Simon are still in the past. Amymeen Ram appear in the present.

But they appear too early because the time machine isn't set up for daylight savings time. This is the greatest detail. I said out loud to my son, I was like, who the fuck is riding this shit? Like, what does this even mean though? That means they programmed the clock of their time machine to account for daylight savings time, but wrong. Like, they sprung back and fell ahead or like, what, like daylight savings time isn't a wrinkle in the time dimension. It's just how we do our clocks. It is if you're an incredibly stupid person. Amazing. But that

means think about the real implications that inside the heads of the people who wrote this movie. Daylight savings time takes place in the physical manifestation of the concept. Right. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I wanted them to be like, all right, so the fuck, okay, here's what we do. New plan, we go back and murder the guy who invented daylight savings and we come back to here and I'm going to start over.

Right. Which again, I might be on board before I, I don't like that system. That's far to say how Amy delivers that line, the daylight savings timeline, where she's like, it's tonight. I'm like fucking of course it is. Three out of 365 chains. The time traveling on the day it ends up being, hey, we got to fall back. traveling on the day it ends up being. Hey, we got to fall back. Yeah. So here's her plan. And this is so fucking amazing. She signed languages to herself. By the way, this actress runs out of sign language like three letters in. It's fantastic. She's sign languaging to herself watching on the cameras, which they did earlier to go back even further and save Ram.

But again, because this movie was cut together by the monkey that Ronald Reagan put to bed in bedtime for Bobo, we cut to them saving Ram earlier in the movie from the same scene that they did, which would be like, and here's the metaphor I thought of. Imagine if Marty's letter to Doc, in back to the future, had been, Doc, it's going to storm tonight. When I'm up on the clock tower, never mind it works out fine. Everything's going to be cool. They're so confused. So am I though. So again, correct me if I'm wrong, just throughout, correct me if I'm wrong. Amy, two or three, whatever Amy is doing the signing here to herself, to her number two self.

Amy three is signing to Amy two and then security guards bust into that room with Amy three and shooter. Yes, but Amy two had just gotten just enough sign language to realize what she has to do to save the whole thing. Correct. Okay, so she has to go get Ram one who is in lockup. So Amy two Simon two and Felix two go get So Amy, two Simon, two and Felix, two go get Ram one and their new plan is to go back 10 minutes before the other time in 33 AD go 10 minutes before the soldiers who killed Jesus and fix that. That's the new plan.

Correct. Yes. I think I might have understood that. Looked you. I'm glad you did because I had no fucking. Finnegan's W wakes got nothing on you. Where's that skeleton key? All right, so now we're back with again, do I have this right Simon three and Felix three or two?

No, Simon one and Felix one. Oh, okay, right. Simon one and Felix one. Well, two in my head, it's two because they've done one time jumps. So Simon one was before they ever did time travel. Oh, okay. So yeah, Simon two and Felix two then. Yeah. Simon two and Felix two who are on this new timeline that includes time travel. Yeah. They're still back in 33 AD. But yes, in some sense, Simon one and Felix won. Yeah. And they realized

they both have to somehow get back to the present, but they try to do it. And only Felix gets transported because Simon's Apple watch broke his time fit bit broke. Of course he does fall. And by the way, just want to throw that out there. If there's anyone who it's going to suck to be stuck in the past for, it's the one black actor in this film. So now we're back with Ram one Amy to Yes, Simon to and Felix to Yes, they're in 33 AD. They've made it back using the time machine again. They're 10 minutes before the soldiers show up. Keith, you simple, simple whore. He just ran one, Amy three, Simon three Felix three. What are you talking about? No, it's not. Felix two is in the future, which

just got overwritten and turned into a crazy forest full of ashes and Simon to his stuck in the past. Oh, is this three now? They're fucking. Yes. Okay. So Goddamn it. Johnny, back me up here. Back me. I will need two hours to rewrite my notes and my no-one's system. And we'll be right back. No. Ultimately, it's not going to matter. It will not matter. Very good point. I could have let her them. I could have put Greek letters. It really doesn't fucking matter. Some other versions are in the past and they're 10 minutes ahead of the soldiers and they're

going to try to stop the murder of Jesus to allow a different horrible murder of Jesus on a cross. That's a blast. And let's be clear how they do it. They're gonna stick sticks into where they materialize so that the bad guys materialize with sticks inside of them. I thought that was fucking genius. That was excellent. I didn't even get that. I thought they were just like, all right, I feel like in about 10 minutes we should be standing right next to the magical area and we'll just hit them with sticks the moment they

show. But it's so much better. Oh, well, that's pretty good. That is what they did. You're right. But sadly, Amy three is shot here. She is shot giving us one of the best moments in the movie where Ram takes off all of his clothes to make a turn again for her.

And he's ripped too. He is kind of ripped. Rap is like unexpectedly fit. Yeah. Okay. Question on turnikits. Panse turnikit. Yeah.

So he's making a turnikit to prevent her leg heart from pumping blood into her stomach area where she was shot. Is that what's happening here? Mm-hmm. Yeah, pants turn to get. Pants turn to get to prevent the leg heart pumping. Yeah, I was so excited for him to turn his underwear into a bandage and for him to do the rest of this movie with his cock hanging out, but no, we don't get it.

By the way, this is where she delivers probably one of my favorite lines in the movie where she says, Ram, you've got to save Jesus. The best part too is Ram saying, I can't leave you, you're way hotter than Jesus. Venice, there's Jesus could just take care of himself. Yes. That's why I never love that. Oh my God, it's such a great argument. He's like, okay, but Jesus is God.

He could probably, and she's like, no, he's a poondoggle. He needs you to time travel, fight people by sticking sticks into where they're going to be. And Rams is like, all right, just okay, you're, you're going to die in a second. That's fine. I'm not doing your thing, but I'll pretend for a second that I am. I'll walk away. Look at me. I'm going to go save Jesus. Okay. Here's done. But then he does kind of take an attempt at that. He walks away to try to interfere with the Roman guards or no, to interfere with what's happening here? What does he do?

I'm glad you asked Ethan, right? So as you notice during the stick murdering, two of the soldiers Brent, the guy who's mad at God and Samir, the other Muslim guy who earlier in the movie asked if it was okay to kill Jesus and see as a prophet, they escaped because they fell off a cliff together. Oh, right. So Ram one is now going off to kill them. Ram two. This is Ram two. No, this is Ram one. Ram one came back in time, but now he's in time.

Okay. You can't upgrade. He's Ram one. Okay. So he's going after Sabir and Brent because they didn't get killed by the sticks. They like jumped off a cliff just in time to not get killed by sticks, right? Correct. Okay.

I think I'm following. Yes. Thank you. Johnny, we're doing this. This was the multiple copies of the humans did get fairly confusing. To a watchful one point. I just stopped trying to number them. Yeah, for sure. I bet only one of these survived. Okay, but Johnny, in your professional time traveling opinion, when Ram one goes into the

time machine and starts a new branch of his time tree, is he not rammed to at that point? I think he's rammed to. Thank you. Oh, well, now you fucked up the system entirely. But I think that there's no way of being sure. And also you made the point earlier, it does not fucking matter. I'll give it a try. Sure doesn't.

Sure. It doesn't. We're putting so much more thought into this movie than this movie is. It sure doesn't. It sure doesn't. We're putting so much more thought into this movie than this movie is. It's insane. If they would have been smart, they would have done little trips to create multiple, multiple, multiple copies. So they would have had an army of people. Yes. That would be the smartest thing to do. Yep. Absolutely. So now we cut back over to Simon. And Simon is going to fix his time travel Fitbit, which we'll remember is broken with a stick DeGeneratus

He he pokes his time Fitbit with a stick and instead of it sending him Back to the future. It sends him back further in time, but directly next to Jesus. Yeah. What are the odds of that? He stops up. Jesus is like hanging out literally five feet from him. He's breaking social distancing rules. Oh, and this is where we get the Simon and Jesus scene,

which is probably what I'm by faith, the seeds from the moon. This was, I don't know. I made a note, this is by far the most earnest scene in the entire moon. Ha ha ha ha. They try to play this so straight that it makes almost no sense

contextually in the rest of the film. Oh, but there's none. So excited for this to be kind of biblied. Yep. Like Simon talking to Jesus, it for this to be kind of biblied. Yep. He's like Simon talking to Jesus. It's supposed to be a big deal. Yes.

So Simon appears next to Jesus and he's like, are you Jesus Christ? And Jesus in English says, did my dad send you? I don't. Did my dad create a fucking time machine? I told him that was a stupid plan. We should have just gone straight with normal time.

Whatever. Hello, yes, I am Jesus. Also, there's a moment where Jesus closes, like he starts speaking in like Arabic. And then he takes this moment where he like thinks and like does do a lingo. He's the best man who ever did. He's had a graduate speech, perfect English. He his head, and that just speaks perfect English.

You're like, they show in processing. And like, I got to go in English, I'm giving a. And you know, there's an edited version of this script where all the suddenly comes back and he talks and he bonics and he's like, oh, too far. Too far. Sorry, I was just, my do a lingo thing.

It was weird. Simon. So Simon's job here is basically just to explain that Hey man terrorists are gonna shoot you in like 10 minutes, but we really need you to get crucified instead. I know. Oh wow. Okay, so let me explain. I saw a movie with Mel Gibson. Literally what he says. Literally says Mel Gibson made a movie about it. It's gross. He's kind of a big anti-Semite and you're Jewish right now.

I go like on the way out of Jewish into something else. Whatever. He sucks, but I'm pretty sure it's an accurate movie. You're going to get just brutally crucified, but you have pretty sure it's an accurate movie. You're gonna get just brutally crucified, but you have to let that happen or else it fucks up the rest of the stuff. Right. It's, it's almost like he stopped just short of being like spoiler alert Jesus. Chit's gonna get wild. Well, what he literally says is don't, real quote from this movie movie don't let them put a hurt on you Jesus

To which Jesus replies don't worry Simon. I'll be back. Oh my God and then Simon and Explicitly that's not even your movie. Yeah. Ah, man, if this movie had ended with them melting down Jesus in liquid metal, he's given the thumbs up. That would have been pretty excellent. So from from there, we cut back to Ram 2 Eli. One, wrong, one.

Ram 2. Ram. And it's branches of Ram 2. You're wrong. It's branches of a time. You don't, you have to think about how there'll be new ones each time. Whatever. It's fine. This Ram, the one who is in his underwear, is looking for Sabir Samar. He's chasing after him, trying to find him.

But who does he run into? But Peter. All right. These are the very small town. And he has this amazing moment with Peter where he's like, Peter, you stay here. Don't get crucified upside to any, trying to pantomime it all for him. It's fucking amazing. He's like, remember the ear thing, Peter?

Remember? Play free bird, Peter. Play free bird. Right. But Peter, you know, doesn't speak English. So he just kneels down and starts crying in confusion. Yes. No idea what's going on. All he can think of to do is be like, Hey, man, you're going to freak everybody out. Just wear one of my robes. So you're not like mostly naked. That's weird. Oh, yeah. We see Rams buttcrack on this scene also. to freak everybody out. Just where one of my robes. So you're not like mostly naked. That's weird. Oh, yeah. We see Rams butt crack on this scene also. We did. Right. And it should also be noted

that Peter also can't cry. No, he cannot. No, this is the kind of block. No, these were people can't cry. All right. Well, it looks like the books of first Peter and second Peter in the Bible just turned into a terrified screen in all caps about a naked white giant in ancient Israel, which is honestly a pretty big improvement on first Peter and second Peter, horrible, horrible, slow epistles. And on that note, we're going to take one more quick break and then we'll be back for the, uh, for the I have no idea what's happening conclusion of assassin 33 A D. Guys, we have to be careful that we don't change time or the Bible. It's fine. It's fine. How bad could it be? And low did Jesus' Snow White friend approach him and say, This is a gun Jesus.

I'm about to pop a cap in the ass of those fools who come for your booty. And Jesus thanks him, but ye he knew he must die for it was the way of the Lord. Still an improvement though, I guess, right? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess so. Turn off. And we're back. When we left off, there were two or three of every character and the movie completely

gave up trying to keep track of it. So have I. And now we're back in the present. And Ahmed is looking at a pile of dead bodies on his time machine platform, trying to figure out why his soldiers are all dead from stick wounds and why the nerds that came back have gunshot. And the scene opens with him going, they are dead. I wanted one of the scientists just be like, Oh, you think you think they're dead? They seem dead. Right. He also says bullets and sticks. I wanted one of the scientists just be like, oh, you think you think they're dead?

They seem dead. Right. He also says bullets and sticks. I wanted him to be like maybe, maybe a machine gun wielding trient. I'm going to go back. We need to go back in time and go to the first trient. Then we fix that. The other thing we learn here is that one of his evil scientists is going to disable the apple watches now so that the nerds are stuck in the past. Yes. This was a good plan. Yeah, that actually was a good plan. Meanwhile, brand two, three waking up, God damn it, whatever brand, one of the stupid brands is waking up. it, whatever, one of the stupid brands has waken up. He fell off that cliff before. Yep. But he survived. So he wakes up, he gets Sabir on the radio with his like next-tell bleep bleep radio that he has. And Sabir explains that everybody else is dead. They all got stick materialized to death and that he's alive, but he dropped his gun and he's pretty sure

Ram has his gun now. I literally forgot. Brant was in this movie. I did too. I wrote the same thing. The movie forgot. They were like, oh, brant. Oh wait, this dude. So from there, we cut back to Ram 2, whatever Ram something going back to Amy something. Three. She's still in the full body tourniquet, which is tourniquet. It's keeping her alive. And he's comforting her that don't worry, Jesus is going to get murdered as planned. Yeah. But we can't wait to as planned. Yep. You're gonna have to comfort someone. Yeah.

So he decides, okay, we need to go back to the lab to save your life because of the gunshot and he tries to send them back and he realizes, oh no, our Apple Watch Fitbit things are deactivated. And she's like, okay, you didn't like secretly program a second McGuffin so that the watch is. Why'd you put an off switch on our time McGuffins?

Why would you have that? So now they're stuck in 33 AD for the moment. Yeah, I love how untannicked Ram scenes. I guess we should start looking for apartments here, babe. I'll tell you this. I know about batteries. So I think it's going to go fucking great for us here. Right. So now, Brandon Sabir are going to do some crucifixion recon. Oh my god. Like ancient Israeli people. They've seen, check it out. They're two feet

taller and white and absolutely no, but I mean, to be fair, everyone in this background scene is white, but accurately, this would have been a hell of a scene to watch. I know. He's basically like, here, put this on. You'll look more Middle Eastern. No, no, no. So they go off to do some recon on the crucifixion immediately. Sebeer steals a tomato from a fruit store.

Like an asshole. The guy gets mad, calls over a Roman guard. Sebeer shoots one of the Roman guards. There's a big fight, including during this fight, Sabir drops his functioning apple watch and some lady picks it up. I'm assuming that's Mary Magdalene. Someone, Jesus knew she's definitely Jesus and Jason we're going to find out. Jesus is tired.

Right. But there's two time fit bits. And in the reachiest of reaches, I have ever fucking seen in a Christian movie, the Roman guard, for no reason wraps the gun, which is a time problem in the Fitbit and sends it back. It's just like, oh, this, this will mess up the movie. So,

there we go. Yup. Well, this this will mess up the movie. So yep. So with all those loose ends perfectly taken care of, we cut over to Jesus doing the classic thing is carrying his cross up to the crucifixion and Simon, who was having that conversation with him earlier. Oh my God. It's just walking along next to him, wearing his tri-blend T-shirt. Okay. So this is where I, this may be my favorite scene in the movie because this is where I realized that Simon, the jive-talking silly scientist is going to be the Simon that raised Jesus to his feet twice during the stations of the cross.

That's the one. But he won't talk biblically. He will say real quote, yo, lay off Jesus. I know. I love it too. There was the most WWE in Transsever. Like Simon was literally like walking Jesus to the cross like he was misalysed with. They're about to hang macho man on the cross. And the whole scene looks like a 30 second to Mars cover band. It's like, he's in some good buzz. I hear it let go of the cross. And then like the rest of the band encouraging throwing stones. It's amazing. We also see something happening here that's supposed to be important. Ram is carrying

Amy looking for a doctor from 3380 to treat her. Yeah. He's all anybody got a hatchet. Yeah. Right. I want to go badly for him to find a Bronze Age doctor who just like makes her drink dirty water. And he's like, oh, yeah, she definitely cheated on you. Her uterus fell right out. And then we finally cut back to the actual crucifixion scene. They made it to Golgotha Hill. Sorry, he's so much worse than that.

He's going around asking for a doctor and they send him to Golgotha. They're like, oh, he probably wants Jesus. Yeah. Well, also they don't speak English. So they're just like, I don't know, man. What, what are you saying? Be here. Okay. Everybody's basically going to this thing today.

So you might as well come to this. We're going to this thing. That's the great distinction. Yeah, bring Amy in her cats. So Ram is there watching the crucifixion and he starts yelling at Jesus, being like, hey, I know you're kind of tied up there with your whole thing, but can you heal my fucking girlfriend, asshole? Yeah, he was like, I was so close to fucking this.

He heckles Jesus on the cross. This movie contains a scene where the protagonist heckles Jesus on the cross. We also see that Sabir and Branter here. Yes, they are those two thieves that are getting crucified next to Jesus. T-shirt crucifixion, y'all. So we get a little bit of brand. He kind of breaks down. We get brand asking for forgiveness at the last second.

And Jesus being like, yeah, this is genuine. This is not last ditch crucifix related. I forgive you. This is cool. And Ram hears this happen and he's like, are you fucking kidding me? He tried to kill you. He didn't shot my girlfriend.

You're the worst. I hate you. He tells him. You suck. Also, we should point out that they're being accurate here. So they do the thing where Jesus has to pull himself up to speak, but it just makes it super slow. So he's like, Jesus, why can't you heal Amy?

Okay, you know what? I can't do the pull up, I'm gonna do the flexed arm hang and give you the same speech. Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, expecting Jesus to finally pause, I'll be like, what was the question? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha said the son of God. Yep. Amy and Brant were two words that he said while on the case, he dropped Amy, the biblical man, Amy. I guess we should be lucky that the Bible isn't more accurate. Right. But Rams like, fuck that. No, absolutely not.

I'm not doing that. This is ridiculous. You understand how this is like crazy, confusing for your whole religion forever, right? This is dumb. Whatever. And he storms off with Amy in his arms, dying of a gunshot wound. So he carries Amy around for a while and eventually runs into Simon still wearing his t-shirt. And by the way, as they're chatting, the sun goes out just so that these characters can be like, yeah, the Bible sure is accurate. Right. And by the way, like, this has not convinced Ram, right? Simon turns to Ram and he's like, I mean, he did speak English and he's like, whatever, he didn't heal my girlfriend. He's just a guy.

Yeah. I get brain-dual dingo. You heard it. I love it. I became such a sticking point too. It's like out of everything else that's like prophecy coming true while they're there. They're seeing prophecy unfold in real time. Dude still stuck on. He's got to be real, man. He spoke English. And then we get a really quick cut back to Ahmed. He sees the gun and the Apple watch show back up at the lab that got sent there to fix the script by the Roman guard. And he's like, all right, I got a plan. I'm going to go back in time now. I'm going to hide in the cave where they have Jesus's tomb. And I'm going to kill everyone when they show up and try to steal Jesus' body. Because of course, resurrections are silly and this makes sense.

Yeah. So, he appears in that cave and he's the first thing he does. I'm head pokes the shroud of turin with his assault rifle being like, yeah, he's a truck. And then we cut over to Ram doing more math physics stuff in the sand with a stick. Talked to Simon. It's so good. This conversation is so meaningless. Please just like complaining about Jesus, like he's the guy everyone hates at work.

He said, yeah, super Jesus, it's forgiveness. You forgive friends. You won't save my girlfriend. And then Simon's like, actually, I think she's kind of tight, you know, when he's making a part. Yeah. Also, did you just say that he told you to forgive somebody for murdering in the language of English?

I feel like that needs to be part of your calculation. Yeah, brain dualingo, brain dual. And then Amy wakes up because again, that body tourniquet is doing great. And she's like, did the Jesus get crucified? Did it work out? Did you guys nail it? And Simon's like, yep, yep, he got crucified. Drowned his own blood right there on the cross.

And she's like, I'm so happy. Thank God. Right. And she says, all right, well, you got to take me to his tomb I want to watch the resurrection because it's because the sites see like they're in fucking provost Still like a group on for that maybe we could get like last minute I don't know makes him wake up really early to do a walking tour of Jesus's tomb him wake up really early to do a walking tour of Jesus' tomb. Oh. Also, not really a morning person.

There's a great moment where Amy says to Simon, oh my God, you're bloody. And he's like, this is actually Jesus' blood. Yeah, I'm so proud of it. No big deal. Jesus, you know, maybe you've heard of him died in my arms. Kind of a big deal. He's Jesus. He's Jewish from Jerusalem.

He's from New York. Yeah, this is English speaking Jesus blood. Right. So they decide they're going to go watch the resurrection. And back in the cave, we see Ahmed. He was he taking DNA from Jesus. Yeah. In order to make an army of clones. Don't tease me because I was so hoping this movie was going to finish with them having to fight a bunch of evil Jesus clones. Yes. Thank you. That's an amazing movie.

That's such a good twist here they could have done. It's the only promise the movie makes that it doesn't deliver on. Oh, I know. It could have been so cool. Maybe where if they just found out Jesus was the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. We saw my God it matches the white bronca. Oh, yeah.

So many sequels. So I'm that's taken the DNA sample. He grabs it. And then all of a sudden, there's a big earthquake, and the cave just explodes open, and Amy and Simon and Ram watch this happening, and Amy's like, he is risen. It's so beautiful.

There's a weird moment where I think Ram starts getting jealous. Like, I think he starts thinking like, Amy Lowke, he wants to fuck Jesus. She got what he does. She's into it. Like there's hard eyes for days. Oh for sure. Right, so they decide to go into the cave and check it out.

And they realized that I'm mad, his stolen body of Jesus and then teleported, time-ported back to the present. And they realized he left glow sticks in the cave. He showed up with glow sticks to like light the cave that he knew he was going to be in. And they're like, all right, we would have cleaned up these glow sticks or the plot won't make sense. Oh, glow sticks tell tell sign.

Oh, man, but let's just be real. If they had left those glow sticks and there'd been the part where the women who go into the cave do like spin some poire something to commemorate Jesus's death, I think Jesus would have wanted this rave. But I met, did not steal Jesus' body. Jesus has risen from the dead and he goes and tells Amy via extended metaphor that she's a sheep. Yeah, she says, can you heal me then? Because, you know, as you can see, I'm dying of a gunshot wound.

If you don't mind just, you know, you're resurrected, you can do things like that. And immediately the response is like, can I heal you? Imagine a guy with a hundred sheep. Yes, he does. And he loses one sheep. That's bad. And she's like, okay, I'm just gonna say one more time. Can you heal me?

Heal me. Heal me now. It's probably be hell easy for you. And he's like, no, I cannot. Right here. We also get a funny moment here where Amy's like super presumptuous. She's like, okay, so you're not gonna heal me. Fine. Whatever that sheep metaphor, are you saying you did this whole thing to save my soul? Just me? And he's like, oh, no, wow. Okay.

No, I'm definitely not the best soul. This is it. I'm saving the soul of the guy who shot you. Try to try to pay attention. Oh, the guy who murdered me, came all the way back to the whole world. Right. So Jesus and Amy finish up their little conversation. And now we're going to watch Jesus's girlfriends show up in that cave and they find Ram and Simon just finishing up with the glow sticks and they're like, it's cool. He resurrected that happened. Oh, you don't speak English to you. Yeah, so instead of just like giving a regular sign language of like Jesus is not here,

he starts like doing an air traffic control or like, he's risen. He is flowing out of the cave. or like, he's risen, he is flowing out of the cave. He is currently out his way. This movie never stopped giving the gifts. You guys wanna rave a little bit? You wanna like, point it up with these plastics we have. Yeah, he's all don't drink them though. Who's got money? I'm already poison.

Right, so they get done with Jesus' girlfriends. They go back to Amy, but they find that she's dead. Dead AF Amy is gone. Jesus letter died. Jesus letter. This dude is going to be living. You probably prefer graves. I did. And the ladies in the cave come over and they're like, hey, this might be a bad time, but is this your time fit bit? Oh, right. Yeah, they follow them out and they're like, we had this Apple watch. It's probably useful to you.

Right. Yeah. They land on, okay, we put both of our wrists through this one watch. We're in for both poof back to the present. And it works, but there's security guys right there. Simon does have the one gun, so he shoots them, but he gets shot at the same time. Yeah. So you remember the McGuffin on hour and a half ago where he said, Hey, just say alpha beta Einstein sent me back to save my mom

and dad. No, neither does anyone else in this movie, but he's gonna use that now to go back in time. He's gonna go back in time to before his parents were killed and he invented time travel. So he's going to make himself depending on your numbering system. Ram three or four to go back in time and stop ram one from inventing time travel and his parents dying. But as soon as he leaves, he needs Simon to shoot the computers. So there's not a Ahmed five or Ahmed six, you know. Right. So ram starts to run off to go do his new plan to go back in time one more time. But Simon stops and was like, hold on, you said it real quick before you go. You think Jesus is legit?

He says it again. That's not one more time. He's like the forever. He's spoke English. Yeah. No, totally. Jesus is legit. You have a bunch of gunshots in your body right now. Grand plans working out great. Yep. Bye. Oh my god. So security runs in and they shoot Simon, but he's able to shoot the time machine just in time to destroy it right after Ram blasts himself back into the near past right before his parents died just in time. Correct. Okay. And Ram runs into the building, finds that murder viewing room. Whereas mom and dad are about to get killed. And he shoots the henchman who are about to shoot his parents just in time and saves him. Yep. Oh, yeah. And he was carrying, he was working a machine gun like he is a fucking trained Navy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, he is literally just riddling these

people with bullets. And then he runs in having saved his parents and he's like, I created a type of machine. He used it to kill Jesus. Okay, bye. I know. He's like, this story is incredible. Hey, Ram, just really quick. No questions, please. Gotta go. Yeah. And this is where Ahmed calls brand one on the radio. I'm meds back in the present now in the lab building as well. And he calls brand who is moping in that hallway in his first timeline where he said he wasn't the villain. Yes. Right. So he's still the security guy on Ahmed's team. Ahmed needs him to come prevent Ram

from killing him because he's being chased by Ram now. Yes. And we should point out for Ram for Chases Ahmed into his office. Ahmed to technically into his office. And then Ahmed is hiding somewhere in the office when branch shows up. Right. Right. Right. And this is of course the big forgiveness scene with brand, right? He take, he like knocks away brand's gun and brands like, hey, look, and Ram is like, you killed Jesus and then killed my girlfriend and then died on the cross next to Jesus. And he's like, okay, none of that happened in this timeline. And he's like, oh, no.

Well, I forgive you. Also, were you two even saying girlfriend boyfriend? I feel like you weren't even there yet. Were you? I don't think so. All right. It seems like you guys moved kind of fast. But yeah, this is where he forgives Brandon and sets the gun down.

And I just wrote my notes. If he if Brandon then grabbed the gun and shot Ram in the face, this would be my favorite movie. It's already my favorite moving for so many reasons. I forgive you. I win. Nope. Got shot in the face. Lost. Atheism wins credits. Yes. That would have been fucking. Also, notice Jesus did not ask him to forgive the Muslim guy. Just brand. Yeah. He's like, he was one of us before this Muslim guy seems like a lost. He's never gonna believe in Jesus. Right, and just at that moment, mom and dad now show up in a meds office also where this

is all happening. And Rams kind of embarrassed. He's like, Mom, Dad, I'm doing him time machine murder. Go. Get out of here. He does. He's so mad that his parents showed up. And just as the parents show up, more security guards and Ahmed all show up at the same time. The guards come in with a gun to Amy one's head, I think, as a hostage. Fuck me if I know. Yeah, I think this might be an OG Amy. Yeah, I think this might be OG Amy and this and a med at the same time. He pops up from behind the desk.

That's where like that's where he was hiding behind his desk the entire time. Like, there was a whole forgiveness scene where he was like, you murdered her. And he's like, it wasn't me. And he's like, I forgive you. And they embrace his brothers. And we are now to believe that Ahmed was behind that desk the whole time being like, okay, now's a bad time to pop out.

I'm gonna let them have this moment. So Ram gets shot here by Ahmed. But as he's dying, he explains like, all right, whatever. I mean, one of my other versions is just gonna go back in time again. And I'm gonna fix this. So now Ahmed needs the codes to hack into the time travel code or software so that he could create his own second version of the time machine exactly. And this is where he does the time travel. Carter software. Yep. So that he could create his own second version of the time machine. Exactly.

And this is where he does the six count. And he's like, I'm going to shoot Amy in the knee, six, five, and Ram stops him. And he makes up or actually starts hearing the voice of a woman. Oh my God. This is so cool. So this is supposed to be Heidi Montag's character sending a message through Ram to brand that he's got to switch sides and be a good guy now just to be clear. She did not do that.

Yeah, she did not do that when he shot Jesus Christ of Nazareth in the face. I love it. I also love that Brant sister, Ram is the voice you hear, Diane. And he's like, who fuck if I know Dave? I didn't introduce myself. It sounded like a bad voice, I thought it was maybe Madonna. I don't know. Heidi Montag from the hills.

Have you seen the hills? I'm going to beach. But the voice told Ram be a hero. That was just a general message for somebody. And Grant hears this, assumes it must be his wife in heaven. And he flips to the good team and starts shooting the bad guy guards here. Yeah, he gets shot too. Oh, yeah, he goes a flaw on fucking young gun shit. Mm-hmm. And then Ram grabs a knife off of a meds desk. Yep, and stabs a med in the back and then jumps on top of him and starts to stab him in like the throat to kill him

Yeah, and does like the the fucking saving private Ryan slow knife stab and everyone in the movies like It's not super protagonist, Deavya. Right. And I love this line here. Ameh realizes a great loophole. He's like, Hey, man, you shouldn't kill me. I think you should really forgive me like you did with brand like Jesus said. Right.

They have to be like, all right, fuck, that's, that's pretty solid. What if we go back in time and change Jesus' message to have a proviso for bad guys killing? Right. I love it because Ram is like, it's this weird thing he does where he's like, forgive you. Right. Help out, die. But then he like, But then he like explains that like, well, there's probably other versions of you in the multiverse. So it takes solace in that. This is like, sorry, it's weird. So who knows what's going to happen? And then the last thing that happens with brand here, he's about to die, or no, he's not quite going to die, but he's shot. And he tells them grab my radio, press the button. And he calls his security team that's somewhere in the building. And he explains, okay, all, all the

Muslim guys are actually bad guys. Go, go shoot them. I'm on the good team now. They tried to murder Jesus Christ. I'll explain later. But what's so amazing is he has to do it in dying guy talk and the movie is so convoluted. He's like, listen, Ram went back in time to save himself from the time travelers who went back in time to kill Jesus before being stopped. You know what? Brown people are bad. to kill Jesus before being stopped. You know what, brown people are bad, blah. Yeah. He's like on his dying breath and giving full names, like security out, outline codes.

He's like, this is Ahmed Amokbar. Right. I'm like, holy shit, he's so succinct as he's dying. Hold on, sorry. Ahmed three is actually the one who is, I'm dying here, but I really need to explain. I'm Ed two was already blipped out. Shit. Just yeah, kill the muzzle, guys, kill the muzzle, guys.

I should've just said that from the whole time. So the security guards started gunfight with the evil security guards and the good guys win the gun fight. And then Ram one 18 three is he is one of the Rams is here to see dying Ram four. So it's all good. He's going to fix things. Yep. He shows up to be like, Oh man, what an adventure. And you literally see Ram 47 or whoever he is be like, no, you don't make any sense. Ben. Yeah. At this point, everyone's so confused.

No idea, including me, baffled. Anyway, from there, we cut to three months later. I guess the reason I'm at the ending. I love this ending so much. I don't know. Whatever, it's three months later, I guess the whole I'm ending. I love this ending so much. I don't know. Whatever, it's three months later. And all the nerds from the team, not clear which number are hanging out in Rams, in Spaceman, and they're going to do one more time machine thing. He's he's put together a new one and he's going to fix something. Okay. So what they do,

this is so fucking good because it means how little they understand about their own fucking movie. They send him back in time to keep brands family from dying in that car crash by having a stop sign and getting hit by the truck instead. Why not just like go back a little bit before that and be like, Hey, you're going to drive a truck into somebody just like hang out for an hour. I have to get hit by a truck in this timeline. Right.

Oh my God. It's so tried. And then the stop sign he uses has a note that's like, Hey, I'm about to invent time travel in a lab full of Muslim terrorists. Wait, let me back up. Right. They tied it up in a pretty little bow. Wow.

It would have been great if branches like through the notes was like, that's weird notes. I don't know. Okay. Time for work. Maybe hair. Okay. We need to talk about the credits because then the credits come up, right? During the credits of this movie, they play the rest of this movie. Not just the teaser of

the next movie because they are very much setting themselves up for a sequel, which I will talk about in a second, but literally the credits start to roll. And on the other side, we see what happens after brands tells the FBI. We see them like fighting the terrorists and getting shot and traveling into the future to save brand. It's fucking amazing. Yeah, it's, it's like, I thought it was going to be like a gag reel. But I'm like, these are actually like scenes. Yeah.

No one no laughing. Yeah. For some reason, they just decided to accompany the credits with the rest of the movie. Okay, so what happened is Ram sent himself and Amy into 30 years into the future to a hospital. Yes. And as soon as they materialize there, a bunch of people who know what time travel is, they say something like,

okay, we need to find out why the anti-Christ wants these people. Well, they grab their wrists, they go, no marking chip, and then they go, all right, we need to figure out what the anti-Christ wants with them. It's pretty fucking great. I'm horrible.

So that means God's plan, the whole time, was to have the apocalypse happen and have the anti Christ take over the earth to punish all the heathens and then some time travel stuff after that before that during in it. Correct. Smash through it. Okay. Unreal. What the fuck? All right, you know what?

That's my last question before we wrap it up. What the fuck happened? Who won the movie? Ooh. I think Simon Wong. Yes, Simon Tufo. That's a good answer. Yeah.

All right, he made it into the Bible. Does he have to die? No idea what they're going for there. I cannot wait for that sequel though. I cannot wait. All right. Well, I guess that does it for our review of a Sassin 33 A.D., but that's not going to do it for the whole episode just yet, because we still need to get you excited to revel in

our pain again next week. So Eli, what's on deck? Simes. Mel Gibson, M. Knight, Shyamalan. A religious movie. Trust us. This is a religious movie. Oh, it is. He plays like a retired minister with dealing with like signs of the, we'll get there. There's aliens. There's religion. It's going to be great. So with that to look forward to we'll bring episode 246 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Johnny Taylor for joining us. And if anyone wants to hear more of your stuff, where should they go?

Well, thanks for having me, super fun. Check out my albums on Spotify or Sirius Satellite Radio. Watch a weekly show I do on the interview, interview comedians on the punchline Instagram channel. And follow me on Twitter and Instagram at hipsterocracy. And thanks again for having me. Super fun. All right. It was a pleasure. And as usual, huge thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews in review spots and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skaving Atheists, Saitation Needed, the Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff for movies

at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law office as a P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slantnik and he'll dress on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Johnny Taylor and Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright. I promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the animal house. Breakfast clip, love. next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the animal house. Breakfast clip, uh, it was. Ram and Amy, going to get married, they have one child. They name them Damien. The Antichrist went back in time to stop himself from stopping Ram before Ram could go stop him, stop, stop. Time travel, stop, stop. Yeah. And then the anti-christ used the time machine to give us 2020.

Yeah. So real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He knows how to spell butt. He puts screen eminems in his ass that, I mean, it's not clear. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyrighted 2020 all rights reserved.