God Awful Movies - 247: Signs

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

On this week's episode, we finally get around to one of our most requested films of all time, M. Night Shyamalan's disastrous "Signs", the story of a much more interesting movie happening off camera. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He points out that well, you know, all the crop circles are in crop crops. As we all know, there's no water on farms. So I'm thinking the aliens hate water. I'm gonna go near some. The only place is where water is would be lakes, right? The fucking, which means that some of the aliens had to be making crop circles when like the water of the irrigation system kicked in right? What the fuck this is like half a crop circle in a pool of green blood God awful movie OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I'm readjusting anyway. Still works. I'm your host, no illusions, I'm sitting 700 miles to my immediate left.

Is my good friend Heath and right? Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know what's the big problem with alien movies? What's that? The aliens are in the movie. Right, a lot of aliens. The focus on the aliens way too much, not enough subtlety.

Yep. Absolutely. I was just thinking the same thing. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine? Afternoon sir, man Fantastic Noah. Oh Man, I didn't realize this was a Christian movie, but it's it's all Science from God that's the the titular side. Yeah. Oh, it's very much a Christian movie. It counts. Speaking of which, tell us, Heath, what movie will we be breaking down to this?

We want to break the science. Science. Science. We watch signs with Mel Gibson. It's the story of God planning an alien invasion of Earth and also killing a woman with a truck in order to jam a baseball metaphor into a script and pone an atheist past. God's plan was the only one worst than the aliens in this movie.

Yes. Very mysterious. You got to admit that's true. That's true. The ways in this movie are mysterious as fuck lives up to that one. And do you lie? How bad was this movie well if you loved war the worlds but there was both too much war and world this movie all right well okay

so I saw this movie in theaters with expectations you guys guys. Yeah, yes. And what was amazing is I saw this movie without having seen the sixth sense. So everyone was like, oh man, Shyamalan's next movie, like here we go. And I saw it with friends who knew about movies and we all just sort of sat there. And I was doing that thing that I have to do sometimes

where smart people like a thing, but I don't know that it's bad yet. So I was just like, mm, yeah. I like how blurry he made the aliens. Yes. Very artistic use of blur kind of not me's very much like barely me's on the sand. And, and he? Well, I just watched it for the first time. Oh, yeah. That's, and that means I had prior knowledge that M. Night Shyamalan also made the happening so far. Yeah, no expectations. And they were met.

That's why I had to work this question. I was so excited. We were talking about this a couple of days ago. We're like, oh, yeah, we're going to do sides. No, yeah, that's Christian movie. That counts. And we're all talking about, oh, yeah, man, saw that theater is walked out trying to make it good in my own head.

And he's like, I haven't seen it yet. And we're like, fucking what? Really? We get to be with you the first time you talk to humans after watching that movie. Awesome. This is second only to putting on a wig and taking heat's virginity for me in the level of joy.

It brings me and I've done both. So I can tell you this by the scale you've created mathematically, not just mathematically. No, yeah, really. Honestly, yeah. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst stat? Yeah, best worst, boarding up a door.

Oh my God. Why can't believe it happening? Okay. At one point, the main characters are worried about aliens attacking. So they decide to barricade themselves in their house by boarding up the windows and doors. And we watch. I couldn't deal.

We watch Bell Gibson swing a door closed from the outside part and then nail a board over it on the inside part. I couldn't do it. I wanted so bad for an alien to just open up the door and step over the little point of what they're nailed in tears of laughter from alien to just open up the door and step over the little Plata. Yeah, right. Yeah. In tears of laughter, the alien and just kill all of them. No, you know what? Now there's a board here. That is inconvenient. Oh, yeah, I'm going to have to deal. I love to deal to walk through this onto crouch.

All right. So that was truly fucking amazing. I was going to go with best worst name for Eli tapped our repeatedly spell in the notes. All right. So they don't know which one you mean. Well said. All right. So he's taking something like 30 stabs at Joaquin in these notes. None of them are right. None of them are phonetic. None of them are the same. It's amazing. You can tell he knows there's a J and a Q in it. That's something I am aware that there's a J. I try to make Joaquin and Scrabble every time that's all I know about this. And I of course was going to go with best worst alien invasion plan. Yep. Well, famously, yes, famously of all the movie aliens, even the comedy ones, even spaced invaders and shit, worst goddamn alien invasion plan of the history of cinema.

If these aliens had just come down one row at a time, they would have done better. Yeah. E.T. does significantly better with his and patients. When the aliens do, we will be following their progress throughout this movie. By the way, if you're following along at home and you want to play a game that I played on this rewatch, it's called the aliens are nice. And this movie leads us to believe that Mel Gibson declares war on them by accident. Yeah. I'll inform as we go, but there's a reasonable argument to be made. It's great fan theory.

Yeah, definitely improves the film. All right, well, I'll tell you what, there are aliens trying to kill me. So I'm going to quick put a push sign on a pole door so that I'll be safe. But when I get done with that, we'll put Ivan to the profound disappointment that is SIGNS! Tsk, tsk, tsk! Ah, so bored. Tell me about it.

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So okay, so, so what's next? I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean. This guy. Okay. He doesn't know what you mean. This guy. Okay. He doesn't know your next movie idea. I mean, we know you've got one. Oh, oh, you, of course, of course I do, but,

right. I can only tell you guys if we get you Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix and McCulley Culkins brother done, already done. Did it. Yeah wow Really that fast oh Yeah anything for the ding dong you know, I don't love the nickname. Oh, okay, all right so right

It's about Aliens Cool cool. Love, good aliens, bad aliens, bad, bad. Uh, so, so they attack, but luckily, a little kid who can talk to dead people. Uh, sorry, just real quick. That sounds a lot. I'm sorry, I'm just, right, I misspoke. I said it wrong because I was thinking of that.

Well, no, I'm sure a dead person who can talk to little kids tells them how to kill the aliens. Okay. And how do you kill the aliens? This is so great. I'm so sorry. I'm going to grab a coffee. Do you guys want anything? Yeah, I'll take a water water. Oh, water is, water's how you kill the aliens or you would also like a water. Oh, both, both. Great. All right, we are going to make this movie. Fantastic. What?

Cool. What's it called? Oh, sorry, let me get that meeting in progress sign. I just want to put that up. Fantastic. Yeah. Signs. sign I just got that up a fantastic yeah signs And we're back for the breakdown or at least we will be after the movie makes with its 11 minutes of opening credits Yeah, that's positive for me. I'm just like time moving I'm just like I can't believe I'm not watching porn. This thing gets important. And to be fair, one of the logos is a man

jumping off a cliff. And that is a great logo for this. Yeah, I think we all had a note on the music here. Mine was a cartoon robot as being chased through an otherwise serious horror movie. See, I just had Pixar danger. Yeah. The music, it feels like somehow like a witch snuck into a symphony hall and hijacked the entire symphony from the conductor. Oh, okay. Like grabbed him and like dressed up as a maestro and did a spell on all the scores and just like start to conduct

the unit and I do an irregular beautiful symphony and then it's like it's so crazy. All right, so we're gonna open in a rural farmhouse where Mel Gibson wakes up by sitting straight up from a goddamn nightmare. Cause fuck you Noah. Fuck you. Yep. Yep. So he's walking around doing his like morning ablutions or whatever.

And suddenly he hears kids screaming out in the corn fields. Also, Joaquin Phoenix wakes up to the same thing. Apparently he lives in the little mother-in-law apartment behind Mel Gibson. Yeah. And by the way, it wasn't originally going to be Joaquin Phoenix. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. I was pretty sure Mark Ruffalo was supposed to have the role, but his brain intentionally

developed a tumor just to get out of this movie. That's what I was. Yes, yeah. No, and then it was like, no, it's benign. It's benign. I was just saving you. Well, no, it's just smart. Brain, the brain was like, you know, it's the perfect rules of a nine tumor.

Like you have to deal with it for a second. You can't do the movie, but then you're fine. All right. So, yeah, so they all run out into the corn for a little while. Eventually they come across the kids and they do this really like big, long, set up for this tense reveal. And then it's just, it's just corn laying down. Yeah.

She might as well turn to him and be like, because he's like, what's the matter? What's the matter? She might as well turn to him and be like, well, it's a kind of a horror movie. So we needed a scary opening. But now that you're here, was the little girl screaming for what was she was terrified when they walked out and found the corn delayed down. Corn is supposed to be up motherfuckers. I guess I don't know.

Mel Gibson runs up to his daughter here and he's like, did the corner hurt you? She actually says, he's one of my favorite lines in the movie. She says, I think God did it. And I was like, wow, problem of evil check this counts. I think God hurt me with the corn. I don't know what that meant there. Excellent line. Yeah, right, right.

So they pan away for it's just, you don't look by now at this point in history, we had all seen way good crop circles. Yeah. Right? And so this layman's three circles with a line that was not impressing anybody. They go to pan away from it and you're like, oh, it was hollywood. I bet they can make a damn good crop circle.

Oh, they chose not to though. Huh. Why they decided to just do circle circle dot. Okay. It's up up down,. Yeah. Exactly. It's the Konami code or the kudis cure one. Yeah. All right. So then, oh, and then M night reassures is that he is not abandoned Philadelphia altogether. We're in. It comes up and it says Bucks County, Philadelphia, 30 miles from Philly or whatever. You know you live in a shit town when movie titles have to explain

where you are in relation to a real place. Yeah. And when your title card tells us that the movie is next to secret layer of Pennsylvania, it's not a good start. Yeah, I'm kidding. I've been there. So, okay, so Mel is on the phone.

He's trying to sort out this bent over corn cob shit, right? He gets off the phone and the kids are like, the dog peed. And I'm like, well, this movie's fucking action packed. The dog beat, should we kill it? Yeah, they seem pretty confused by that. I like the dog peed. So I'm thinking alien invasion, right? It's an alien. So murder the dog. Also, did Mel Gibson postulate that maybe the crop circles were his like rural Pennsylvania nemesis who folded his corn down his joke? His friends kids are something that are the troublemakers in town. I know your kids are real pranksters. Today They trade a series of intense shapes in my corn, this is a prank war.

And by the way, he's on the phone here talking to the cop, I think, who's about to show up? No, he's talking to the friend of his whose sons he thinks are the. Oh, he's talking to the, okay, right. And he says, all right, well, I'm sure your sons were just messing around, but you know, it's kind of messed up. Now, all right, he's a, he's a former master. So like, he doesn't like to say curse words, but S-ing around, I was like shitting around. You're shitting. You think they were shitting around. And then I was like, wait, screwing. He can't screw me. Oh my God, that's probably right. Yeah, actually, that's probably right.

Wow. Amazing. All right, so then we cut to, this is Rory Culkin. This is McCulley's little brother apparently. He's a creepy ass looking kid. He's a creepy ass looking adult too, as it turns out. This is where we first introduced the fact that the little sister the his little sister doesn't like water Yeah, I could see it's the best

This tastes like fluoride do you got to answer honestly? Do I seem autistic like more than normal? She's five yeah, yeah, and so. And then, I guess the cop shows up to check out his crop circles. Yeah, Matt Damon's mom from Ocean's 12 is the cop. I like her a lot. Oh, okay. There you go. It's a sweet movie.

Ocean's 12 is amazing. And not really though. So, it's not really though. That's words. I added this one. So yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah had it this one. So yeah, fantastic. Yeah. That's right.

He's just saying last word for the rest of the. Oh, that's happening. Also, okay, wait, I have to cut it to talk about this too, because this movie is about crop circles. This was made in like 2001, 2002. We had known for a decade by then who did the crop circle, like, like, like, like, the guys who had done them, it come out and shown everybody how they did it. And still after that, we were all walking around going right, but how did they get made? It must have been aliens. The guys are going, no, no, look, I'm doing it right now. Almost to be an aliens, that we should have known the Trump administration was coming right.

Fuckin then early warning sign. And this movie will never call them crop circles. They'll call them crop signs like like they were afraid of violating someone's crop circle copy. And the cop says, yeah, I don't think the people around here are capable of, you know, gently folding a corn stalk. No, it's got to be something way more sinister and complex than that. Oh, God, that was always that would the people who were all into the crop circle things

would always talk about that. Like, no, they're not broken. They're just bent over and I'm like, yeah, wouldn't that be what happened? Though, like, we did a sick board bored to break them then just bend them over Anyway, it's also a fucking thing for those people. I don't know. Oh, also the cop is like, you know, it's funny These crops are just show up because all of the animals in the county have been acting very For a shadowy lately And he's like, oh, you mean like like the animals you and I both just left my children

with? Yeah, just like those. Oh, yeah, I just been a tack and ripping out the throats of five year old girls left and right. I probably should have told you that. And she calls him father here. This is where we learn that he's former pastor. And he's like, stop calling me father.

I'm not a father anymore. Demon aliens folded my corn. I'm an atheist now. And that's a big thing for the rest of the movie. He's like officially an apostate all the way. Atheist. Oh, angry, ridiculous. Hates God. He's an atheist so much that he hates God. Right. Well, and exactly and like every person who used to believe in God in a movie, the movie will resolve with him, you know, seeing the error of his ways. And once again, believing in God, I could have been different. Nope. It could have been. No, it could not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, so they come back out of the corn, Mel and the cop to and the kid, the son is just stabbed the dog with a barbecue fork because it tried to attack the sister. Like all the action in this movie, it happened off screen.

We did. We hear about it later. Also, I would have a lot more follow up questions than Mel Gibson has. He's like, oh, dog attacked you. So he stabbed it with the barbecue fork. Yep. Oh, huh. All right.

Let's, let's bury the dog. You just murdered small child. He's not like, hey, why'd you have a barbecue fork out by your slide? Also, how do you know how to stab a German shepherd right in the heart? So he's the fuck. All right. So now we cut to that night. Mel was awakened in the middle of the night by the little girl reinforcing that water gimmick yet still more. Which honestly, I don't think they meant for this to be a pop

scare, but it was terrifying because this little five year old is right fucking next to him. And they'll give us like, please God damn it. Don't stand inches away from my face while I'm sleeping. Neural. She wakes them up. She's like, there's a monster outside my room.

Also did you know that most European countries no longer flow a day. Damn water. Also, Newtown was a hoax and I would like some alcohine wild water. I'm trying to kill my cancer with low pH. So he takes her back to bed or whatever. He's like, so what are you thinking about daughter? And she's like, your back story about dead mom is dead mom, right? Right. Yeah. I am an atheist. It's, it's your mom or my mom that died, right? This is a movie. A mom is dead, that's all I know. So yeah, right, right, exactly.

So there's sitting there talking. That should be the title of God is dead. God and somebody's mom is dead. So there's sitting on the bed talking when suddenly he looks out the window and the music goes, reek! To try to trick us into thinking there's something out there.

There is nothing there. I paused the fucking video, turned the brightness all the way up. We are definitely just looking at a roof with nothing on it. But anyway, there's supposed to be an alien there. Yeah. Right. So they decide to go outside and scare the aliens away. But at this point, they think maybe it's still the pranksters, right? Yes. Yeah. So, so, Joaquin Phoenix says, all right, here's the plan.

We run around screaming like crazy. Yes. Yes. And Mel Gibson's like, well, how's the, how's the helpful? Also, I don't sound natural when I curse. So, I don't know, and walking in face like, I don't know, just make loud noises, man. Just, we're gonna run out, we're gonna make loud noises, okay?

Yeah, and at this point, I wrote, explain act crazy. Really, Mel Gibson. Yeah. He needs someone to explain how to act crazy. If there's two actors that don't need it, explain to them how to act crazy, it's fucking Phoenix and Mel Gibson. He might as well respond with, nah, this will be great for our career. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they run outside and Mel Gibson tries to yell things

and he literally is like, I am mentally unstable. Did you started all the wars? You know, there was a cut where you all this. So many cuts. So many takes. That's where I assume 90% of this movie's budget went. What? All right. So yeah, so they run around the house and something is up on the roof. They see something on the roof, which is where it started, right?

But we don't see it. We don't see the thing. We watched them look at something more interesting than the thing that we're looking at. Sure do. Also, we see their swing set swinging back and forth as they decide to walk back inside at the end of this. Was a demon alien playing on the swing. Someone give me a push. No. So what? What's the supposed to get out here? Let's go back to the ship. I'm jumping off. So I'm going to don't jump off your ankle. Push me

super hard because I'm going to roll. I'm going to land. I'm going to never work. You hurt yourself last time. So what was supposed to have happened is the alien was supposed to have leapt off of the roof and then run and gone so fast that it left the the swing swinging as he ran through. That's what supposed to have happened, but yes, it really does look like there was the second alien that was like, there's no alien alien wasn't like. Yeah, if you turn on alien subtitles for this movie, this whole scene, you can hear the alien saying, parkour, parkour, parkour. But that aside with the running around the house screaming, I'm gonna kick your ass and

I'm mentally unstable. I really wanna hear the alien side of this night. Alright, Johnson, how was your first mission to observe the Earthlings? That was not great. Oh, you know how you said, check it out. See if they're peaceful. Yes, uh-huh. Okay, so I'm looking, right?

I'm checking them out. The second they see me, they come screaming out of the house, saying they're gonna kick my ass. What, wow, they said they were gonna kick your ass. Yeah, one did, and the other one, the other one said, I'm insane, I'm dangerous. Wait, like literally said, literally, I thought my translator was broken. Fuck.

Shit, so I guess we killed him, huh? Yeah, I guess so. He said, I'm insane, I'm dangerous. Word for where I am telling you. Again, I'm saying, Aliens protagonist of the story. Absolutely. I do want to see the letters from E.O. G.

a version of this movie. Yes, absolutely. So, okay, the next day, they're filing a police report about the alien park court keeping in mind that apparently they saw it leap off of the roof over top of them to that swing set. And they're like, yeah, some dude was on our roof is what they told the cop. Okay, this, this police department needs to start ignoring Mel Gibson a little bit more because he called the most like there was an alien on my swing set. I need you to come investigate right now. That's, that's a no from the police department that needs to be a no. Right. Like

especially if like the day before that they were already out there looking at late over corn. No, man, you get, you already had your one. Okay. Oh, I love to the scene is so this is so fucking lame. They open the scene up with the cop going, hey, you know what would make a good walkie talkie if you need one and act two that you probably have laying around. I propose nothing. Baby monitor.

Yeah. And what I love about it is she's like, you know, a baby monitor is a walkie talkie. I mean, it's just the one way. So not a walkie talkie, but if it's a talkie, and you can walk with it, if you want to, that's like you want to. Is the word you're looking for radio, because that's how we'll use it in this movie radio. Yes. Thank you. Okay. I'm a police officer. What does this movie think a baby monitor is? They believe it is the most advanced piece of communication technology that exists in the universe. That's like picking up radio signals from aliens and other galaxies and like

communicating with the Hubble like they have no idea what's going on with this. At the fucking Barry Lee's, they think it is a ham radio. Yeah. Right. Yeah. what's going on with this at the fucking Barry Lee's they think it is a ham radio yeah right yeah All right, so okay, so the cops said they're talking to the cop about the thing that happened last night and there's the weird like Part where the cop lady wants to make sure that they understand that it could have been a lady parkour alien This was the great why is the dialogue in the movie? Because Eli because it out of town woman yelled recently and therefore they suspect that that could I don't know it never it never comes back or I feel like there's a scene we missed where her and Joaquin had a terrible breakup so they're awkwardly

fumbling their way through whether or not Swedish women exist as a punishment of some sort. Yeah, I think they were trying to make a joke and then it turned into accidentally some weird racism and they just kept it in anyway, because the cop asked like, okay, so far you described the night as dark. That's not that helpful. Is there anything else? And walking Phoenix is like, uh, okay, well, the alien was not a little

person, nor a woman because of course, women can't run fast. And this female cop is like, that's incorrect. There's, you know, Swedish Olympian, strong Aryan women can jump very high. And they leave that in. It was so weird. Oh, I was really hoping she was going to challenge him to a jumping contest. All right, motherfucker. I got 100 meters with you right now, motherfucker. Just racing around the house while the kids watch. Pennsylvania is weird. This is a weird state. Every time we have to call the cops, I'm going to go kill the other dog. But so well, all right. So yes, so while they're arguing about whether or not it's a lady alien or a man alien, the little bro comes out to tell them that the news is caught into her favorite cartoons. So they go and they check it out and wouldn't you know it,

there are crop circles all over the world. and the news is telling everybody about it with the line that basically says Either this is a super elaborate hoax or it isn't that Thanks Yeah, right right and what's great is they explain because we do know what crop circles are the Cop ladies like ah, you know all it takes to make a crop circle is like two guys and a board. And so the news is like, but this would take 10, perhaps even 20 people.

And so 10 to 20, like five to 10 boards. How many boards are there? Really, like that's ultimately what you're gonna have so many boards sitting around at your house that you can board up all the windows and act you know what never mind never mind never mind. It's demon aliens. I'm Walter Cronk. It's demon aliens more than 11.

So yeah, so the cop goes to leave and she's like, Hey, you know what? You should probably do it. This point is you should take your kids into town and just kind of fuck around there until act one wraps up. Yeah, because we're not, you know, we don't want to do the alien, the cool alien thing that we've introduced in this movie. We wasted most of our budget on cutting Mel Gibson yelling thing. Yeah.

What if I were to trade you 74 takes of Mel Gibson yelling cake for the rest of the CGI budget? Huh? Huh? All right. of Mel Gibson yelling cake for the rest of the CGI budget. Huh? Huh? All right. Don't really a little Mel Gibson yelling cake to him this bit. I don't know how to respond. Everyone. The list, or see?

I don't want to yes and this. I feel scared. All right. So they headed the town. And you know, in order to deprive the kid of the most important news item of their lives and the two kids go to the bookstore Mel Gibson goes to pick up some shit at the pharmacy and Wucky and Phoenix goes to the military recruiting office that army recruiting office Just to hang out. Yep. Just have a look around

Just to protect it with an assault rifle. Like you do. Yeah. I love this line where they're at the bookstore. The little kid says to the to the guy he says, Hey, do you have any books on extraterrestrials? And they guys like, yeah, we have one. It's the last row third book on the left. So, so M night Nightshablon, who wrote this movie, has a never been to a bookstore and B doesn't know how that would work. I assume you memorize where each book is one in time and you just simply reference the side and number. There's got to be a better system than which book and which side it's on but it's fine. Hey, luckily you you asked for like one of the 10 top 10 from the left. I mean, really,

it's usually book 74 from the left or something. That's much harder. Yeah, row 24, third column over book 16. No one's bought that one for year. Wait, don't take it out of the show. Oh, fuck now the whole system start over. Oh, why didn't I have a better way of doing this? We're doing this autobiographically. So it's easy to memorize. This is crazy. When we got them in order. Oh, also, by the way, I love that we keep cutting to like the radio where all the Americans are being overcredulous about these alien stories. You know, the way Americans are. Did they also, did they make fun of city people here as if city people are crazy about aliens? Is that a known thing?

Or is it actually the exact opposite? Yeah, it is. I'm pretty sure it's the opposite. The kid asked for the book about aliens and one of the owners right after it's explained their insane memorized system of where books are, one of the owners is like, oh yeah, no, no, actually, yeah, we kept that one for the city people. We got sent an alien book by accident.

We kept it for the city people. What the fuck did that mean? Hello, I'm a metero-sexual from New York City. You made me part of it. I'd like to peruse your books that will appeal to me. You know, aliens, fancy crevots, things like that. Do you have any books about traffic perhaps? That's what they're going for. Apparently. Yeah.

All right. So yeah. So meanwhile, Mel's over at the pharmacy. And the girl at the pharmacy wants to tell him about all the blow job she gave so she can not go to hell if the aliens end the world apparently. It's the best. She's like, hey, can I can I confess to you? And he's like, I'm actually not a preacher in ancient more. And she's like, yeah, but you know, still.

God's dead asshole get out of here. No to father. I mean, I could just tell you secrets is a guy, right? He's like, wow, it's kind of creepy when I'm not wearing a weird outfit, but sure. And then also, so Oprah, the Army Recruiting Office, we get the monologue, the exposition monologue, that the military guy, the recruiter just dives into unsolicited. This actor went for it. He absolutely, first of all, he's apparently a colonel because he is covered in metals.

Like the high grand puba of the army runs this recruiting center in Buxville, Pennsylvania. He begins monologuing the moment Joaquin walks in the room. Joaquin walks in the room, starts to pick up a pamphlet and he's like, it's a ground tactic, you know, what feels like you were halfway into something. I'm going to start again at least. Still going. I'm still going. Wanted him to do the thing. I was like, what do you say something about the aliens? Well, here's my theory. That's basically what happens.

Yeah, except without the setup. And then he gets through his whole little model and then he looks to Joaquin Phoenix and says, wait a minute, I recognize your backstory. Right? This is where we learn that he was a minor league baseball player with the home run records. Yeah, all over the place and. Right. But they materialize a second character to shit on his record. Yeah, which Michael show alter, by the way, which is a weird cameo. Michael show alter's in it as like the dude in the cutoff leather jacket recruiting,

getting recruited by the army. And he's just like, yeah, he's the home run king, but also the strikeout king. And then we get this is apparently going to be a big deal. We get a line from Joaquin Phoenix where he stops and looks at the camera and he's like, yeah, that's right. I had the strikeout record. Felt wrong not to swing dot, dot, dot. Did you say dot, dot, dot?

Don't worry. I'll get used later. I hate to tell you this, but that's a weird thing to say unless that later pays off in your life. Oh, I'm planning for it to pay off. You are so goddamn many moments where all the characters should turn to the guy and say, are you setting up for a third act twist? I am.

Yes. Shush, it's going to be sweet. It's going to be sweet. Don't be going to. Are you doodly doing right now? So you do. Do you do? Nope.

What? All right. So meanwhile, the sun is as reading the alien book in case he needs to take over the exposition later when we no longer have this army character around. Right. And little girl is still being weird about the water at this point I wrote in my notes. Someday I hope it turns out that sad kills aliens. Then you'll all be sorry. Then you'll all want me around.

All right. Yeah. So then they all meet at the peach. So, and this is, oh, this is where we get the director cameo. Right. This is where M night shot. The family all sees M night shaman walking through town. Yep.

M night shaman was like, you know, I did crush it in the six sense, the way I stared directly into the camera and didn't know what to do with my hands. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but the family sees him and they're like is that fucking M night Shyamalan? Are we? Are we in a bad movie? This feels weird. I don't know what's happening.

Turns out he is the guy who got into a car accident with Mel Gibson's wife. Yes, but here's the thing though is that like, yes, we know that now because we watched the whole movie, but until that's revealed in the film, this is just the entire family staring angrily at the only brown person in Bucks County. Yeah. Okay. That was my experience on first watch. Thank you, Noah.

That was weird. Oh, see, for me, it was like running into your ex too soon after the break up. They were like, oh, look, it's, it's the guy that killed mom. Do we say hi? That feels weird, right? No, you know, we'll do a head nod as you walk my wall to a head nod. Head nods cool. Right.

But when I'm watching is just like what Noah said, a not white person gets out of his car, looks into a restaurant, sees Mel Gibson fucking glaring at him. And he's like, I was just checking the specs on the sidewalk. It's good. It's good back in my car, Speedway. Yeah. That was my experience at home. Also, speed away, dude.

Come on, you killed this guy's wife with your reckless driving and you're gonna squawk your fucking tires as you pull away from his family. Not tasteful. Most will get out and be like, oh no, I hit so I'm just kidding By the way, I found some teeth in the front great do you want I don't know if you're doing a two-faire thing With the kids All right, I said you a car wash bill oh two three weeks ago

I said you a car wash bill, two, three weeks ago, and I have, I just want to make sure you get a little bit scratched. I know you're good for it. We'll talk later. We'll talk later. Merry Christmas. Can I get your information, though, seriously? All right, so he drives away, the family gets home and suddenly, before they get out of the car, there's some weird noise on that baby monitor

that we shoehorned into this goddamn story. A few seconds ago, the kid could have just had a walkie talkie. Or it could be on the car radio, you know? Yes, the radio. The radio. The radio. The radio. Yeah, all right.

But yeah, apparently these fucking aliens did not think this invasion through at all because they're getting the secret Communications unencrypted on a baby monitor Right, or this was a message to the humans like like the aliens made across the universe, but didn't figure out fucking English but didn't figure out fucking English before they came. I have an oversight. Now we have to point out too that this is a nine and a half minute scene, right? They start to hear something and it's kind of like static, but maybe there's something behind the static and they all have to move. And then the kid has to climb on the car and hold it.

Super high, like eight minutes, we listen to him listen to static only to eventually reveal this poppy sound and crappy alien sound effect. Right, we spend nine minutes watching them make a fucking human pyramid so that we can get All right, well, I'll tell you what we just spent five minutes setting up earth-girded poppally pops I need a break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more sides Captain. Yes, your blog quick question. Do you know a human? The language yeah the language of course not right Do you know like who on the ship does no human?

Oh, I, I, I, what's, well, it's gotta be someone, right? I can't imagine they would have sent us all the way here without somebody who spoke human. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I bet Frank knows human, Frank, Frank Frank what's up? You know human right? Nope, I know squirrel Hmm squirrel Is that close to human?

No, not even a little Fuck It'll be fine, right? I think it'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Same thing. And we're back and we're gonna open up with that. It's that night and now Mel is heading outside to check on his tortured little slave dogs. So like we don't they talk about this enough in this movie. The fucking dogs are these people are terrible fucking dog owners. Oh Absolutely. They might as well use them for bait in a trap later. So he goes out and the dog is barking all crazy and shit into the corner. So he gets a flashlight to check and see what the dogs barking at because that's what you do when your dog barks at night.

My god, this man must chase so many motherfucking scums. I really wanted the camera to pan around from the barking dog. And there's an alien just halfway through a crop circle. Oh shit. I did the circle dot thing upside down. My boss's gonna kill me. Do you mind grabbing the other side of this board? So yeah, so he's walking through the fucking corn for quite a while and then eventually he emerges into one of the paths and then he's almost like, right, there's paths through this shit. Why was they just walking?

Oh, all right, all right, paths. But then there's an alien sound and then there's a pop scare and shit. There's the part where he drops his flashlight. Yup, he sees the alien's leg. We get to alien game, pop scare. Right. The aliens out though, that's fucking manhunt. That aliens fucking cheater if he can,

he doesn't go back to the house, that alien is cheating. Ah, flashlight tag, Yeah, that's official. Also, just a general question. If the aliens didn't make these crop circles, and let's say they landed in the next town over, what goes wrong? How does that matter?

They're trying to break into the wrong fucking basement. Keep up. Yes. All right. The good thing they used a bent over plant-based basement, keep up. Yeah. All right. The good thing they used a bent over plant based geolocation system. There's nothing they could go wrong with that. Look, I think we all agree that there's no more permanent landmarks on the planet Earth

than fields of corn. They never change. But you're fucking humans just go out and make a larger crop circle over their symbols. God damn it. Uh, what? It says don't land in circle dot. What is it? We go back.

We go back. I didn't like Ghostbusters 3. What is that mean? How was they right then? All right. So meanwhile, so Mel Gibson goes back to his house and he's like, guys, I hate to break this to you, but it is act fucking to. I just saw an alien like, so the TV now, they're like, they're talking all about like lights over Mexico City, fucking the sun runs up and he's like, I've got to tape this on our

VHS tapes. And I'm like, oh, I'm so fucking old. Oh, I wanted so badly for this to be realistically shot. Like he goes to put it in and record it and he's like, well, it says it's on the wrong channel. Well, put the TV in the first. No, the cable box is different than the team. The cable box, how many times I just turn the VCR? Turn that off.

The cable box that even beyond what you doing, turnCR off. Turn the cable box, don't even have to be on. What are you doing? Turn everything off. No, you're holding the remote now for the cable box. That's not going to do anything, obviously. Let's take all the remotes and put them on the center of the dining room table, and then we can... I'm not in masking tape.

That says cable box. Jesus. I put it on top of the cable box. The masking tape. This is my favorite movie if there's just a 45 minute. They missed their chance. All right, so like, yes, so they watched some news and then later that night the kids have fallen asleep and Mel and Joaquin are chatting about how you know end of the world, you all of this is and Joaquin turns to me like, Hey man, um, you want to set up the third act twist now. It seems

like this would be a great time for it. Yeah. He asks Mel Gibson. He goes, is this the apocalypse here? A pastor, right? This is the apocalypse. And Colgips is like, yeah, definitely, definitely the apocalypse. And then he goes into this speech that is nonsense. He's like, yep. So let me explain to you, brother, two types of people in the world. Some people think luck is God. Other people think alien attacks are bad. Is that helpful? Wait, no, the question is what kind of person are you? A good person who are an atheist. Uh, it's a way of praising the actual question

that I ask you in this movie. Hey, I was just impressed that I got to hear the sentence, is it possible that there are no coincidences when someone wasn't trying to fuck me? No, so that was nice, right? It's also not possible. No, it's not a possibility. Things coincide.

There will be things that coincide. Deal with it. Yeah, to be clear, you can't even successfully imagine such a world. So, right. No, is the answer. Is there temporality? Yep.

Are there multiple things? Yep. All right. Look at that. We both rolled the six or did we? We did. Don't roll again. And then he's like, all right.

Well, let me tell you my last, my wife's last words just in case that makes sense in the act three set up. What was that? Yeah. Yeah. Right. It was that? Yeah, right. It's just entirely a stupid setup. He goes, yeah, so one other thing right before my wife died, she said, swing away. And I'm thinking to myself, all right, well, that's an awkward moment for sex. You're at a car crash scene.

We're about to find out. She's pinned from the waist down. You could probably do mouth stuff, but still it just feels, feels weird for you to get on the hood. They're her medics. Right. All right. Yeah, but it's supposed to be up the baseball thing that M night does not.

He's, yeah, he's trying so hard to grab baseball into there. Yeah. So bad swing away is not the mood. This is time for a take sign just so you know And and walking Phoenix is like what the fuck are you even talking about swing away and Mel Gibson's like oh yeah Bottom line atheism wins is what I mean atheism right but but the nihilistic bullshit atheism of Hollywood right where he goes like We're all on our own brother who moved in with me to help raise my children after my wife died on our own. No one will help us. We're all alone.

Also, is his implication there that if she had said the right pithy catchphrase, he'd still be relicc- That's a lot of pressure to put on her in her last moment. Penny's name does a penny or bench, Jesus. The fuck do you want? She's like three one count. You want to look for a pitch you can drive. Otherwise. And what? Oh, I'm sorry. Were my last words as I, ah, I pooped.

Baseball is 90% mental. No, hold on, physical, yogibara, it's the, it's their different. Baseball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball.

Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. So, but nice try. So, okay, so then we have the very momentary flashback to the dead wife, right? But it's too early in the movie. The movie almost goes, oh wait, this would make no fucking sense now, never mind, never mind, never mind. Go back to the, we're doing.

So instead we just get him walking over to the cop, the only cop in this town apparently and the wife is like, hey! Uh, your wife is, how do I say this? Okay, so the word is squished, but there's not the associative word for squished. Good news, bad news? No, that's really just a misdirect, it's all bad squished. There's got to be a not silly word for squish. She's been squashed.

Squashed is not better. If anything, it's more vivid. You know, halves and holes, so half. All right, so then we get Mel waking up in the living room and I'm like, don't these fucking people have jobs to go to at some point? Don't people still need gas or something? And so I guess Joaquin is watching television in the closet because they thought that'd be nice and humorous. This is where he explains that the crop circles are a navigational system because the aliens are so goddamn bad at invasions. They couldn't

think of a better way to do navigation than to send parties. Like, how did the people who were making the symbols know where to make them if that's the navigation system? Anyone. Yeah. Here's to fly across galaxies. And as we find out right now, invent invisibility technology. They turn their ships invisible here, but they couldn't have like an iPad showing them where to land. Nope, which yet they apparently had to

show them where to make the crop circles. So yeah, just use those again. Don't make the circles. Yeah, it sucks, but the Milky Way, the edge of the Milky Way is exactly where their alien ways stops working and they're just fucking lost with that, you know, totally. I don't think the edge of the Milky Way would, I think you were going for something a little closer.

I wanted a shot of inside the spaceship and the aliens trying to refold one of those big fucking maps. And he's like, how it was, it was this big. It's how does it refold? Don't say along the lines. I will kill you. If you say along the lines, I'll kill you with a shuffling sheet.

A what? Oh, and then there's this great moment here. Okay. So Mel Gibson is talking to his kids because the kid is reading the alien book so he can be the source of exposition from here on out, but they throw this weird ass thing in here where the kids says, yeah, according to this book, the aliens will be vegetarian because everyone who's smart enough to come up with, you know, intergalactic travel would also be vegetarian. Yeah.

Smart. Yeah. Oh, most importantly, you know, we're not gonna lose a fight to a bunch of vegetarians. Oh, they're at the peace talks and the aliens are just like, I am so, so sorry, I have a butter allergy and a cheese allergy. Also, this tomato juice is like ice cold and I have two sensitivity. We're doing war. We're worrying of the world. I don't know what the plan was, but this is war of the world now. He also says that the aliens are either there to be our friends or kill us. Yeah. Like how we went to the moon to either make friends or kill the moon.

I also love that he spends all this time going about like, yeah, they must be super, super, super smart. I mean, not door opening Google maps levels of smart, but super, super vegetarian levels of smart. Yeah. By the way, according to libertarians, this is just the invisible hand that guides the galaxy. You got to feel it, you know, this aliens being a little smarter. We got to, you know, not, not their fault. All right. And so then there's this really dumb moment where like, they're looking through the alien book and there's a picture of exactly their house

getting shot by aliens with exactly them standing in front of it. So fucking stupid. That Mel Gibson's face sticking out the window. What? By the way, apparently M Night Shyamalan's daughter drew that picture or to that artwork. So this is literally like the artwork on the refrigerator of movies. Oh, this is great, honey. We're going to put this in the multi-million dollar blockbuster. Yes, we are. Absolutely.

Is what happened. Yeah. Did this movie make money? Yeah, yeah. It made a ton of money. Oh, it made a ton of money. All of this movies make money. It's so sad.

It always make money. Everyone goes and sees them. of money. Oh, I made a ton of money. All of his movies make money. It's so sad. They always make money. Everyone goes and sees them. All right, so, okay. So they get a phone call and it's M night shaman. So Mel Gibson says, Hey, you guys hang out here. I'm gonna go talk to the guy that killed my wife with his car. And of course, if I'm walking Phoenix,

I assume he's gonna go kill that dude before the alien is just finish off humanity and rob him of the opportunity right That's that's amazing. I did not think of that, but that's great All right clocks running on redemption and revenge. I figure revenge then redemption and then I'm good, right? I think your revenge then redemption and then I'm good, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Such a better movie is trying to kill the guy who killed your wife during an alien apocalypse. Oh, and then also this is so fucking stupid. They introduced the idea that apparently the little girl has ominous dream premonitions that come true. This doesn't move the platform word at all. It's just like, oh, also, you know what? Well, I didn't surprise it didn't occur to us to mention this earlier, but the little girl is psychic.

Also, she's not. It turns out her vision is wrong. She goes over and huts the mother and she's like, I don't know. When you have prophetic dreams that don't come true, those are just dreams. Those are just dreams. Those are just dreams. Yes, I'm just a jerk.

In fact, the only thing this little girl has demonstrated is pretty severe mental illness. Yeah, right. But don't worry, because the movie will always ignore it no matter what she does or says. Yep. All right, so Mel Gibson shows up at M Night's House. He looks around, he looks in the windows

and you can see that there's been quite a tussle there. This goes on for a very long time before he notices that M Night is actually out in his driveway in the truck, which a makes you wonder where the fuck Mel Gibson parks, but also B makes you wonder why didn't M Night like go, hey, man, I'm in the driveway. Mel, stop looking into my house. Please, I'm right here.

Yeah, no, I get it. You know that thing where you're in a car and someone's looking for you and they're too close. You don't want a beep because maybe it'll scare them. So you're trying to do the wavy arms thing. So you feel like an asshole for doing the beepy thing because why didn't you do it when they were closer? I get it. I get it at night. What's happening with you and Uber delivery? But Mel Gibson finally walks over to a night, Chomalon's truck. And he's like, Hey, buddy, you just hanging out in the murder weapon of my wife. I want to meld a jump on the trunk. Hey, is this familiar? Huh? Hey, swing away, swing away. Am I right? Come on, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went, I meant, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I mean it, you know, how it is.

Because then like, I've just been, it's like, now it's been a month, you know? Like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I's this weird moment where he like, he's like, you know, man, what are the odds though, right? That like she would be there and I would be, especially if there was a loving God, that would make no fuck. It's, you know what, never mind. I'm going to start over. We're going to start this hypothetical over also just to be clear because I want you to know I'm a good guy.

I have never squished anyone before. I'm the only person I have first squished. It just happened to be your wife. Oh, I'm not one of those guys just goes around squishing people. I want you to know that. I'm about me. Because I know that asshole. I'm not, I'm not him. Not him. Oh, and this is also where like M night says, Oh yeah, also I'm leaving here to go to the lake because I heard that the aliens don't like water Yeah from from me when I was writing yeah, right yeah Right he points out that well, you know all the crop circles are in Crops

Those are in water really and you know as we all know there's no water on farm those are in water. Really? And you know, as we all know, there's no water on farm. So I'm going to go near some, the only places where water is would be lakes, right? The fucking that, which means that some of the aliens had to be making crop circles when like the water or the irrigation system kicked in, right? What the fuck? This is like half a crop circle and a pool of green blood. Also, the aliens at this very moment are literally parked in clouds just hovering above the earth trying to like build a moment and just regular air has water, not just clouds. Yeah, just over there has water. But maybe they're just sitting up there going like, so the whole planet's covered in what, ah, this is fucking.

Oh, this sucks. Do we still fall outside of the? Yeah. Maybe it's like the alien version of when you go to a party and like no one's there, but you're there. So you got to figure out how long till you can leave. We don't want them to think that we just, yeah, seems so fucking rude if we just left now. All right. So meanwhile, all right, Joaquin is watching the news tomorrow. We get this movie's best seen by far, right? There's the birthday party scene, the found. Oh, oh, fantastic. It's were 58 minutes into the goddamn movie. We're finally going to see a more or less unobstructured view of the aliens. We learned that the aliens didn't bring guns or pants on their intergalactic invasion. Hell of a game plan. Yeah, the news is like, yeah, so we just got this video

in from Brazil, like two minutes ago of aliens, we figured we might as well just go ahead and air it though, right? Like, you know, we're a news station with two minutes, we've had this alien footage. It's probably legit, but don't worry, we didn't cut it to the alien part. You're going to have to watch an entire quince and heira. Yeah, no, we want to build it up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

And we're watching Joaquin Phoenix watch this on the news. Yeah. And so, yeah, it's a Kinsen era. Eventually, we see a naked green person, which is an alien. And that's like the big popscare. But during this moment, Joaquin Phoenix yells at the Brazilian kids in Spanish, which just made me very very happy. Oh, he did, did me.

And then meanwhile back over at M Night Shyamalan's house, apparently M Night has trapped one of the aliens in his pantry. And this is how he informs our protagonist. Anyways, there's an alien in my pantry. Bye. Yes. Can I get you to say you're cool about me murdering your wife? Just last time. Okay. Thanks. Did you say something? No, there's an alien in my pantry. Bye.

Bye. So yeah, so Mel Gibson goes into the check out the pantry and see about this alien. Now, at this point, he's still committed to the, it's a hoax concept. Right. So he's yelling through the pantry door like, hey, uh, just so you know, I know, uh, that you are not an alien. You are. Okay. But at this moment, Mel Gibson has already literally seen multiple aliens. Yes.

And there are UFOs floating in fucking space on CNN, right, above Mexico city. Yes. Typical atheist denying the information in front of But again, imagine how much this fucking sucks for the alien, right? The alien sitting there and assuming they can understand English, which maybe they can, maybe they can't, your trap, some guy fought you, stuffed you in his pantry, and then some other guy comes by and is like, Hello, I'm the police, you're not real, and you're just like, this is the fucking weirdest invasion of the fuck is happening. Do you have a D humidifier out there? I don't mind.

I wanted the alien to be like, yup, that's right, it's me. Alright, the picture. Come here to prank steering and naked green suit. Open the door so I can come out and apologize. With my one penis. Just like we both have. Yeah, okay, so we get the moment where he's like peeking under the door with his little With his naive and then the alien sticks his fingers through the door and Mel Gibson chops them off To this point the aliens have done nothing violent nothing to suggest violence whatsoever

He just sees Alien figures. He's like, oh, gross. Chop them all. Yeah. The aliens have exclusively checked out humans and humans have been like, I'm going to kick your ass. I'm ill. Let me trap you in my pantry. Let me attack you with a knife. Yep. Yeah. Exactly. That's their experience. All right. So Mel gets home and he goes, he turns to the study, he's like, Hey, you've been reading that alien book. Could you please explain away the fact that the aliens are naked and unarmed. It makes no goddamn sense. He's like, yeah, well, the, you know, the aliens, they'd want to challenge us to a boxing match, right? Uh-huh. Why though? Well, okay, so, but they, he explains this.

This is so fucking lame and stupid. He's like, well, they knew if they brought their alien weapons, we would use nukes against them and then the planet would be destroyed. And then nobody goes right, but couldn't we still use nukes against them? Oh, fuck, still use nukes, God. Well, I didn't think of it, so the alien's painted. They're one up on us. Huh?

And they like the, oh, there's this amazing moment too. He's like, well, does the book say what the aliens would want? He says there are two possibilities. One is that they're benign and that they don't want to kill us. And then, and then Mel Gibson goes What's the other possibility What's the other possibility they're here to seduce us Mel Gibson goes well I hear they don't like water and the kids are like dude that would be such a dumb fucking twist

It rains on this planet. Oh Little like water. Okay, so we'll defeat him with the garden hose. Idiot. Okay. We're on a farm We literally have an alien destroying system built into like property right? Oh Jesus is like okay, so to be clear when I was over at the vet's house I saw an alien Sprinkers. Yeah, he says he says it wanted to harm me and it's like yeah, man Because you locked it in the closet and then stabbed it. Yeah, I know I felt threatened so I stood my ground Poor alien was just trying to jog alien head skittles. A little, little too soon Eli Heath, you're you nailed it. You're, you're good, you're

good on your stuff. Just saying grand jury still hasn't died in Mel Gibson. All right. So and then this is amazing. So Mel Gibson turns to the kids and they could say have the argument right. Like he's like, well, I think we should go to the lake and the kids are like I think we should stay here and then they vote and argue and and all that shit He gives himself two votes for the dead mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah It's pretty good trick pretty good trick. There's a tie at first, and I wanted him to be like do We let the alien vote and then do the opposite We let the alien vote and then do the opposite. All right, you know what, you two kids live in the same room. That just counts as one.

Jerry Mandarin's legal in Pennsylvania. All right, tell you what, race to kill the dog. Whoever kills the dog first gets there. All right, so but eventually they decide to stay at home for the alien invasion. And Mel Gibson goes, okay Well, we need to board up all these windows and and Joaquin goes why and Mel Gibson goes so that everyone who ever sees this movie Will have something to make fun of about it forever Jesus these aliens again, they can cross galaxies, but they can't get past

Wood wood to small amounts of wood. Yes, exactly exactly. All right, so I'll tell you what we've got an entire act worth of people sitting in a boarded up Fucking basement while more interesting shit goes on elsewhere to deal with so I need a break But first let me give act to be the hard sell We'll know I'll be able to give act three the hard sell will he give up immediately upon trying to think of one possible Suspenseful fucking question one could pose about the shitty ass movie you ever think Pemento's just want to do their own thing find out the Isters to these questions and more when we return for the somehow not career ending conclusion of side conclusion of side all right, your bluerions today we conquer the earth

barburg uh, yes, sorry, question yeah, uh, sir, sorry uh, how we're gonna kick their asses that's how yeah, kick their asses yeah, sorry, just seems like we came an awful long way That's how yeah Kick their asses right mm. Yeah. Sorry. Just

Seems like we came on awful long way Naked do we have like futuristic space guns or space guns listen to a great crack over here idiot Right, so we're no on the space guns just gonna just gonna punch him to death is that that is the plan It's That's probably fine. I feel like we say that a lot about this mission. I said it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Okay And we're back for still more of this shit and we're gonna open up on them finishing up their preparation for the Impending alien invasion slash high wind advisory

Why would you have that many boards liner anyway anyway, yeah, okay old man boards Okay, no actually yeah, you're right in a farm. Yeah old men have so many boards. I don't know how they get them Yeah, they do yep, they all have don't know how they get them, but they do. Yep. They all have them. At least back then they did. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that'll still be a thing when I'm an old man, but yeah. I'm going to get my dad's old man boards. I'm going to get it. That's what it is. It's a hereditary system. Yeah. There you go. In case of an alien invasion. Yeah. It's like money. All right. So the news comes on and they tell everybody that, hey, man, there are

aliens appearing within a mile of every one of these crop circles. So apparently the fucking aliens forewarned us about all 274 invasion points. Right. Luckily, we humans, the peace loving creatures we are don't have any guns or anybody with guns near any of those circles. So hope you all know risk control. Also, by the way, I think I have to point this out because the news keeps talking about what other cities have crop circles.

And it's always like Nairobi and Jerusalem also Bucks County, Pennsylvania, but you know, also mostly Nairobi and stuff. Yeah, but those aliens pissed their boss off. They were just like, Oh, is this about me not coming to your black day party? Not, not at all. Bucks County is very important to the mission. You have to take over an entire farmhouse with four people.. This seems to be a desert also with no water. Nope. All right. All right. We need to collect some racism on our mission.

Go to Pennsylvania. Yes. Yeah. Also, by the way, this whole time, I couldn't get this out of my head. How is baseball going to fix this? Because they set up all this baseball for me. Yeah, right. Like, and I'm thinking like, all right, they build a baseball field in the corn.

And all right, all right. Ghost army of white supremacist dead baseball players beats up the aliens. I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe there's a space jam situation. Yeah. All there you go. There you go. If you build it, they will leave. He will leave.

I love, there's a moment here where Joaquin Pines goes, it's like, war of the worlds. I'm like, don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm nice. Which is pretty much how everyone else in the movie reacts. They're like, is it like war of the world? The guy on the news is like,

everyone's flocking to churches boy the world sure needs all its reverence right now. Fuck you. He's going to churches. So we're all going to die. Mostly in churches. I guess. When all hope is lost.

Yeah. And then of course we have the whole scene where they all decide what they want for their death row inmate meal before they die. Okay, here's my question about their death row inmate meal. Little boy, French toast, little girl spaghetti. Walking Phoenix wants Chinese food. Does Mel Gibson make him like teriyaki chicken? Busts out the wok I reckon yeah. Yeah,

yeah, they taught us to make a mean stir fry in seminary. Yeah, all right. So I'm just going to have their favorite meal, but then they have to have the fight right before the before the meal about whether or not they're going to say a prayer. Oh, Mike, this is the best. This fight might as well start with, with well the script says we have a fight now Yeah Little five-year-old girl is like hey, let's say a prayer fuck you We are atheists here. Yeah, it's the best you killed mom the little girls crying and I'm just like right to my nose Yeah, that damn atheism always making children cry

Crying in baseball or atheism now that I think about it. I'm done And then No Gibson gets all mad because the family is like hey, you just you know yelled fuck you at a five-year-old child And he's like now I eat all your food and you're fucking faces, whatever. He's just stuffing his face. He's like, it's my dad, okay? I just can't be like, yeah, Katie Kirk, my dad's a nothing. I'm going, you know, every stuff in the cops when they get caught drunk,

drunk, you motherfuckers are famous. It's my dad. Give me your waffle. And then, yes, so everybody cries and they have a big group hug or whatever. And then the fucking baby monitor alien detector goes off. Because the aliens have publicly broadcast their attack signal. Clearly. Yes. To all frequencies.

On the satellite channel that only baby monitors are hooked. Really want to hear about how that went back at the mothership. Did you send the order to attack? Yes, sir. Over every frequency? Oh, yes, sir. They'll hear us coming a mile away. I'm sorry. What? It's gonna be fine. Yeah, yeah

All right, yeah, okay, so now the aliens are coming they have to like real quick get everything done They have to board up all the well at this point. They can't board up the windows anymore because they don't have enough old manboards So they have to start boarding up the doors And this is where we all switched up all caps For a quick moment of oh my god, they're boarding a door close to open sand They are. They sure are. By the way, this movie will dedicate a tremendous amount of time and space to how much boarding up they did. It will all be useless because they will forget major entrances and exits to this. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the joke in the Big Lebowski with the chair and they don't realize they've done it. It's the greatest. Yep.

Lebowski with the chair and they don't realize they've done it. It's the greatest. Yeah. Absolutely. And so look, here's the thing about this movie is not only is it covered in dumb shit like them boarding up the windows so that the aliens can't get in. None of the dumb shit is ever even necessary. No, never. They're going to end up in the basement. Like, you can imagine how they could have really like, you know, locked the fucking basement down in that amount of time anyway, right? And speaking of dumb shit that doesn't pay off, he stops boarding up the inward facing door to be like, Hey, when you were a little girl, you were beautiful. And she's like, Hey, is the story boarding up or alien related?

Because if it's not fucking away, I look the whole time he's doing it too. Walkies hammer and like a motherfucker going, yeah, you know, whenever you want to kick in and do the other side, that would be quicker. I hurt my son. All right, so they head downstairs. And this is when they realized they forgot the fucking dog outside because they are terrible fucking dog owners.

Really hear the dog fucking die outside because they are terrible fucking dog owners Right we hear the dog fucking die outside and I'm like that was a mercy killing Well, why would the aliens kill the dog like they found the barking obnoxious Dude they're gonna know if we're goddamn it. Yeah So yeah, so the aliens show up at the house now We hear them like screying around the house Trying to deal with all these boards. They have little cute footsteps like when skewie runs You know the elevator patterns they're going to and I'm like guys you're supposed to be this is supposed to be scary though Yeah, they're going to be it. I'm gonna

It's like when you open a bag of food near a cat. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so and then Mel has to force because he just told the little daughter of the story of which she was born. So he has to force a story for the son to, but nothing happened, right? So he's like, oh, and when you were born were born let me tell you did I now close to fucking door man let's go. Oh also at one point the alien like slams against the door and I really wanted just to hear from the other side like fuck oh my shoulder.

And then okay but then they realized that shit, they forgot the entire attic existed. Oh, beans. That alien just super got in. We boarded so many in facing doors, but not the entrances to our house. That's on us, I guess. And you know, like, how could we have possibly known they could jump all the way under roof, shit, you know what? Yeah, we should have, we should have done it. Jump on the roof. They did that early.

Sweet as salience. That was as weird. So, all right. So yeah, now they run and hide in the basement so that all of the fucking shit they did to board up the house can be useless and so that we can spend the rest of the goddamn movie right there. Fuck, you know what? I just realized are those all outward swinging doors that we nailed

the thing that we need to go to the basement. This is who we're dumb. And then by the way, just in case you're like, wow, are we really going to watch these people sit in a fucking basement this whole time? Joaquin Phoenix's character accidentally knocks out the light bulb and it's like, no, we're going to listen to these people sitting in the basement. Oh, beans, I knocked the light out and I covered us in barbecue salt.

This is not great for the alien invasion. Actually, accidentally tied myself to this spit and now I can't stop spinning. Yeah. So fucking stupid. All right. So yeah, so the the the aliens are banging angrily, but Mel Gibson can tell that their hearts not in those bangs really. He can tell that they are distraction bangs. Mr. Action Bags. What? All right. Yeah. He goes, no, they're trying to misdirect us and keep our attention on this door by like banging against it periodically as though we were fucking dogs. There must be some other way into the basement.

And I'm like, well, you guys forgot the entire fucking addict. There's probably windows. Yeah. There's the way into the basement. You mean one, you haven't boarded up? Yeah. One, we haven't boarded up. That's on us. So, so two of the four entrances to this basement. You mean one you haven't boarded up. Yeah. One we haven't boarded up. That's on us. So, so two of the four entrances to this house. Yep. Yep. Turns out we did

not cover everybody list the entrances. I feel like we should have done this from the start. Name them. Cole shoot. Shit. Yeah. So they're looking around the basement for the coal shoot, which seems like the kind of thing that you'd have noticed before since it's a giant goddamn coal shoot. There's a moment where Joaquin Phoenix goes, I can feel air. It's like, yeah, we're in an atmosphere. Everybody, everybody, you can always do that. Really? Little girl is purple next to him.

I can't. All right. Okay. So, yeah, so then we get that the alien grabs the sun to the great and the coal shoot, but don't worry, they thwart the aliens with large bags of dog food. We see the kids standing right in front of the coal shoot just as they realized. Yes. He's like, what? Why are you all staring at me weird? Okay, don't tell me there's an alien right behind me. That's so straight.

These stupid alien mother, oh, they're right behind me. And then, okay, so this kid has asthma. We haven't mentioned it up to this point, but this is the point in the movie where they pull the asthma trigger so that we can watch a kid breathe for a while. Well, we can watch a kid breathe while a while. Well, we can watch a kid breathe while Mill Gibson threatens God like it's the fucking opening of ransom. Listen to me, you fat white bearded motherfucker.

You can one dead family member. Yeah, exactly. I'm already an atheist. No, no, if you kill the other one, it doesn't cancel out. I'll come back. Climb a ladder up to heaven and kick your ass. By the way, the aliens stop attacking for the dramatic asthma attack.

They don't let us. They're softly thoughtful of them. Yeah, so let us deal with that first. All right. So then we cut back to that flashback, right? Just as you're thinking, how the fuck could there possibly be 15 minutes left? We cut back to that flashback and we finally fell in on all the details of the dead wife, the most memorable part of the movie I would think, you know, this is legitimately a good

reveal slash twist to have in a better movie. Sure. Except they don't just like be like, oh, she's pinned and she's going to die. They're like, her entire lower half of her body is gone. Her blood is circulating through the truck, I guess. He also says, is my wife gonna die? And I wanted the cop to be like, unless you brought a spare lower half of her body, then yeah.

I don't think she's gonna make it through this one. Remember when I said she's squished? Yeah. Yeah, so like again, though, we just get the setup. She's like, first of all, by the way, the whole pinched wife thing takes way more setup than I remembered it taken. Like she basically has to pull out a graph

and you know, or something like that and say, okay, so here's the, here's where she and the tree is here. But she sets this whole thing up and he says, do you mean to tell me that this is the last time I'll ever talk to my wife? And she's like, so you're already losing the religion thing. Okay, then yes.

Yes. Yeah. You got a good speech ready. You got like two minutes ago. All right, but then we cut back out of that flashback and everybody's waking up in the basement. All of the action of that alien invasion is over it happened off screen. Yeah, and walking heard about it on the radio. Hey, um, the aliens fart,

poison gas. Just because this movie wasn't stupid enough. Fart poison gas. Did you learn that because info wars is still on the radio? boys and gaffes. Did you learn that because info wars is still on the radio? Yes. I'm writing in my notes. Well, they slept through a pretty good movie. Didn't. Yeah, but the aliens are leaving because people figured out they're superhero weakness. We don't learn what it is just yet. It's literally the same thing as God damn Bruce Willis is superhero weakness and unbreakable. But okay, we don't know what people manage to do to stop the aliens. Weird that they told us that they stopped them, but not how. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you think the aliens are gone enough for us to go up and get the asthma medicine? You know, that's the big conflict now. And honestly, like attacking the earth

with nothing but farting, poison, gas, I felt bad for the aliens in this scenario, right? Oh, God, oh, that stinks. Oh, what the hell happened to you? Dude, so many of them have Oh, that stinks. That stinks so much. What the hell happened to you? Dude, so many of them have guns, so many. Like their military era. No, no, just like regular humans, too. They all just, they have fucking guns.

All of them. Why would they all have guns? I don't know why they all have guns, but they do. Like even the little ones? Yeah, big ones, little ones, all of them. It's fucking crazy. This is bullshit. Ah, even the baby had a gun.

We do have a lot of guns. Yep. All right, so they decide they have to go back upstairs to get the asthma medication. And then walking Phoenix stops the whole process and is like, hold on, I need to give a speech here. This is important. I can deal with fucking alien attacks.

That's fine. What I cannot deal with is your atheism. You've lost your faith and that's freaking out. Yes, yes. You can be a Debbie towner. He's like, uh, asthma attack child dying right now. Can we talk about it later? Great. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Okay. But can you tell me in a positive way? Tell me a good way that the child is dying of an asthma attack.

I just want to point out, this is all movies, not just Christian ones. Movies all think that asthma is half heart attack, half negative thinking. Like to movies know something actually happens with your lungs during a heart attack half negative thinking. Yes. Like, to movies know something actually happens with your lungs during a heart attack because they seem to be pretty sure that you could just like rub some tussin in it and breathe anyways. They're very confused by what an asthma attack is.

Also do they know that asthma medicine is portable? Right, because like, I would send Joaquin up, be like, hey, man, go get the medicine and bring it back down. But no, they bring the kid up and everything else. You know, they're like, ah, well, you know, Alex Jones said on the radio, there was no more alien. So I guess everything is safe now. Okay.

Is the inhaler? We got to bring him to the iron lung up there. Yeah. If you only hope, right. So they bring everybody upstairs and the little girl says, hey, you know, on the TV, they're celebrating the defeat of the aliens. So they all left. This is where they give us the line where they're like, you know, three small cities in the

Middle East found a way to defeat the aliens. They didn't tell us yet what it was though. I'm like, oh, was that the part of Earthware rain to that day? Pretty busy. Pretty busy celebrating, but I'm sure they'll tell us eventually. Yeah, right.

All right, so Mel Gibson, the TV's still in the closet from earlier from that gag earlier, so Mel Gibson goes to get it, he has to turn off the TV just as they're explaining how to defeat the aliens. And dammit, if there wasn't an alien in the house the whole fucking time, it's the one from the fucking Patreon. Y'all with the fingers chopped off. So this is a vengeance aliening just to be clear. Yeah. And so he's picked up the kid, the son. And he's holding his poison gas node over the kid's face Just like I say back, I'll stick him with my pointy thumb.

It's for fish on my plane. You know what, I don't know you in explanation. I'll sample with my pointy thumb. Wait, you guys have fish, but you're allergic to water. What's going on there? It's a whole thing. I don't want to get our fish. Don't liquid nitrogen.

Then then fucking Mel Gibson's like, oh my god, They're about to the aliens about to kill all of us I need to finish that goddamn flashback now Right, you know what this alien hostage situation reminds me Reminds me Yes, we pop back into his flashback, which is fucking ridiculous, right? This is the conversation he asked with the wife that we've set up for so long. And they're saying, you know, she's like, yeah, I was going to go for a walk before a dinner.

And he literally says, here's the line. Yeah, you love walks. What? We set this up for the whole movie. Walks are fun, stupid. Okay. Does the truck inside your pelvis hurt? I have some important messages for everybody in the movie. Tell Morgan, my son, to play games and be silly.

Anyway, that wasn't great. Let me go again. Tell Graham, you, that's your gram. To see. Okay. No, I got this. I got this. Sorry. Last thing, baseball. What? Yeah, tell, tell Joaquin Phoenix to swing away three oh count, you know, you like. Go for it. I have three messages, one of which is divine and the other two are pretty mediocre. Yes. Yeah, tell Morgan to play games, tell Boat, listen to her sister and tell Merrill to throw water at the aliens with my thing. That's exactly it. You assumed it was a murder. Can I just get your attention for a second? I'm doing a cool thing here.

Just finish up, do do do, but then over here. Yeah, so and then we have to spend a minute like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna second? A moot cool thing here. Just finish up doodly, dude, but then over here. Yeah. So and then we have to spend a minute like, you know, showing you scenes from earlier in the movie trying to make you think that something just added up, but it didn't. No, it does not. And then so Mel Gibson looks up at the bat, right? Because there's the bat that he set the home run record with

and it's hanging on the wall. And he's like, I was just flashing back about that fucking bat. Merrill, this is gonna sound fucking crazy. But you know that big alien that we're about to fight? You should hit it with a bat. I would not have had this idea if my wife hadn't told me that.

Yes, keep in mind her hint was not water related. These aliens are killed by water. Yeah, her hint could have been get the hose. It's. I'm not. Right. So the alien hears this and is like, oh, you're gonna, you're gonna be able to help.

You know what? I'm not gonna use my super advanced Al butero that comes out of my little hand thing. Now it's poison. I'm putting it over to poison asshole. There you go. So Merrill takes the bat off the wall and I wanted so badly for him to swing and miss a bunch because he's like, I can't just like five minutes of him flailing wildly, striking out like bugs, buddy. Oh,

why don't we have any Latino neighbors to swim stupid? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, so and then like again, like Eli's is the whole water thing. One of the dumbest, maybe the, well, okay, second, top three dumbest things in this entire fucking movie.

The fact that the aliens are allergic to water doesn't even matter, right? The fucking the poison didn't work because the kid had his asthma attack going and he couldn't breathe it anyway. And the kid and and Maryland already basically killed the thing with the bat before they noticed that the water was also having ill effects Right, but again with the water. I really want to hear how that report back to base went for the aliens, right? Yes, Carnot Yaga Glock what news of your invasion of the humans. Oh, Jesus, what happened to you, Makla? Hi.

Yeah. Uh, about the invasion, did you guys know that this planet is covered in dihydrogen monoxide? The acid that melts our flesh? Yep, that's the one covered. You mean like there's trace amounts in the atmosphere? No! The acid that melts our flesh. Yep, that's the one covered. You mean like there's trace amounts in the atmosphere? No, no, it literally covers 70% of this planet. It's like, more than that, even if you count all the stuff that's in the air and their

bodies and just pulling out of the sky, out of the sky. Yeah, really? Yeah, really. And. Yeah, really. And get this, they pump it like right into their houses and they drink it. It's very weird. They drink the deadly toxin that melts our flesh. They drink it, they bathe in it that shit is everywhere. Wow.

Well, we should not have invaded there then. No, right? No, we should not have invaded there then. No, right? No, we should not have. Yeah, that's my bad. That one's on me. You think? Yeah. All right, so yeah, then we get the POB shot

of the alien dying of the water gets hit in the dick with a bat and then gets killed by water. After having got his fingers chopped off, this alien story is so goddamn sad. Yeah. No, he's allergic to knives, wood bats, I would bats and water. Yeah, exactly. All right. So, so Merrill kills the alien and then he

runs outside where Mel Gibson is sitting there with his son explaining the whole asthma thing. He's like, no, I'm not a poison gas couldn't get him because his lungs were all closed up with asthma and shit. I'm not playing the floor is not lava. I'm not playing the floor is not lava. I'm not positive how asthma works, but I don't think like your lungs become airtight. Yeah, I'm not asking myself. I don't think that's how it works. But this is, now Mel Gibson's come to Jesus moment, right? He's like, God did all of this on purpose.

That's why God gave my kid asthma so that he wouldn't be breathing when, and I'm like, couldn't God have just not had the alien kid nap your kid? We're like honestly, if you just had chopped his fingers off, they probably would have let him back on the fucking ship. We already paid for that part of it. Also, by the way, was there maybe some non-killing your wife, way that God could have said, Hey, hit him with a bat.

He's not, he's not, I mean, I don't want to give notes, but you know, it could have just occurred to you to hit the thing you're fighting with a bat. I hit him with a bat. You're not dying or anything. I don't feel like this is genuine advice. I'm not. Yeah, come on. Your wife turns to you on a Thursday night and is like, Hey, huh? If we ever get attacked by aliens, use weapons, hmm, weapons. I don't think that's a mistake to me. You're dumb. You're dumb. Shitty, you talking. Once you go for a walk,

so if a bad works, a gun works, which means that God gave him the shitty as possible advice, right? She could have been like, buy a gun. Buy a super soaker. That's what we learned was the like primitive method that they used in the Middle East to defeat them was super soaker's water balloon. Splash fight we won. It's all when he hits him with the first water glass and we see it burn away the alien skin. I so wanted like I'm starting. They're just like spraying the back and forth. All right. So, yeah. So then

we flash forward to sometime later. Mel is Christian again, because man, if there's anything that intelligent life elsewhere in the galaxy would strengthen it's Christian pay. So it's it's a snowing and it turns and I was I was so hoping that they were celebrating Christmas with the alien they've since befriended. Right. Like the alien. The cops is head in the door. Mel, you coming? I made meatloaf.

Blip blip blip blip blip blip. The clock. Yeah. They hear me. The snowball. He starts burning today. Oh, man. He starts burning. Sorry, Mark. That's on us. That's on us. Cool.

All right. So closing question, though, for realsies, why did they keep letting M night make movies after this? But I get like, he's made eight more and counting. He's self finances at this point. I get that nobody's paying for them, but him. But still like, if the gaffers and grips wanted it bad enough, they could stop him Why is that not fucking happened? Yeah, there's a lot of a lot of people have said yes to a lot of terrible ideas The twist is that M night Shyamalan still makes movies. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's the surprise ending of Yeah, that's the surprise ending of science. The surprise ending of science is happening. All right, so that is going to do a far review of science, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet,

because we still need to promise to do worse next time. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, we've had way too much fun today. So it's time to bum everyone out with the newly made anti-vex viral quote unquote documentary, plan, demic. Oh, God, David. It's about how COVID isn't real.

You know the thing that you can go outside and get that will kill you right now? It's about how that's not real. Oh, good. Good. Glad to know that I have that to look forward to. So we're going to bring up a set 247 to our merciful clothes. Once again, here's thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a pre-episode donation to patreon.com.seg.com. And they're by your early access to an ad for your version of a real person. You know, so help a ton of legal five star review end by sharing the show on all your

various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our similar shows. This gave the idea citation needed D&D minus and the skeptic right available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments and cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law of this is a PN retours. Timor opposite takes care of our social media.

Our theme song is written in pre-war by Brian's thought and people would draw out some marks all of the music was written in pre in 4 by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm Neely Looshoes, promise to work hard on another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. M. Knight, Shyamalan's wife, got killed by a truck. For dying words, make the happening with Markey Mark to help out a podcast about

terrible movies. Mel Gibson would go on to never headline a major motion picture again unless you count edge of darkness and you don't. next would go on to be way, way better at pretending to be crazy. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.