God Awful Movies - 249: Extreme Days

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

This week, Thomas Smith joins us for an atheist review of "Extreme Days", the story of a bunch of montages linked together by smaller montages and, on rare occasions, dialogue. --- Hear more from Thomas Smith on Serious Inquiries Only, Opening Arguments, and Philosophers in Space  --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ 

This fucking Barbie car that they've been driving this whole time does not have a top to it So in reality every single scene of them driving and talking will be Yeah, we saw a dog come here let's go There's a bug in my fuck out! What? Oh, it's just a bug! Ah! We're going 80s! I said a bug! What?

What? I guess a hospital! I think that's a bug! It's a bug! God awful! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what's a great idea for a podcast? No. I was thinking a montage of podcasters talking about making a podcast that's a montage.

Podcasts. I'm in a loop. All right. Yeah. No, we'll see what we can do. And originally, Eli will be unable to join us tonight because he thought that having a baby was like a dinner reservation. So he hold the paternity leave trigger on the due date rather than the birth date. So he's not on paternity leave so much as pre paternity leave vacation. But that's fine. That's fine because we got a special guest masterkiss to take his place. Thomas Smith is the host of the opening arguments podcast. Serious inquiries only and philosophers in space. Thomas, welcome back sir. Hey, first off, great job getting the heath playback to make it feel like I'm on the same episode as heath for one. That's very, very kind of you know, to take my request

on that. Also, uh, Marsh, if you're listening, oh, oh, Marsh, if you're listening, it's, isn't it weird that, you know, in this, in this time of crisis, this, the baby is due. It's cut. They're in the hospital. They in this time of crisis this the baby is due it's cut They're in the hospital. They have a baby. Who did they call they call Mars? Oh shit the gauntlet has been thrown down sir when it's crunch time I Think Mars you guys keep having a mind. He's got like these ahead of me by so much. I'm never gonna catch Mars did COVID we're not bringing them on. Yeah, right, right.

Exactly. As we learned last week, when you need an actual smart guy to say smart thing, okay, I get it. I get it. No, no, he's saying that Marsh did COVID as in he created the disease so that he can remain skeptic of the year for another. We need a website.

You know what? Or listen to our show, Thomas. Maybe Marsh cuts on more often because he listens to the show and he knows all of cuts on more often because he listens to the show. And he knows all of the, all of the inside jokes and stuff. Gonna be skeptic in the year, just like Trump's gonna be president again. Hey, hey, hey. All right. So, tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched extreme days, one word. It's kind of like, you know, extreme days, but, or, or well,

I don't know, no idea. And it's the story of nothing. It's nothing. There's nothing fucking happens. I don't know how to talk about this. There's technically some things. There's a group of friends in California. They love extreme sports. And this is like, they're coming of age story and it's about watching other people do that. It's so stupid. It's like if the karate kid was just Mr. Miyagi and Daniel watching Kung Fu movies on a couch, that was the whole thing.

And sexually harassing Elizabeth Shoes. Well, right. Yeah, I was gonna say, how'd be so much better? But yeah, okay. And Thomas, how bad was this movie? This, this movie was the worst thing to happen to America in 2001.

Hands down. Hands down. It's not close. I never forget. You know, they have those things where it's like, It's not close. I never forget. You know, they have those things where it's like, like if I could take back 9-11 or this movie would be close. Like it would be,

like I wouldn't do it if the information was public. Like, oh, no, of course, got us to 9-11. I'm like, right. But like it is one of those, you know, those thought experiments were like, well, you could push a button, but nobody will know. I'd be like, just, I mean, how bad was how many people are on the first track again, which is, yeah. Oh, God, I hated this. You know, I thought nothing could be worse than the, you know, overt Christian piles of

shit. You guys make me watch, but this is worse somehow. Like it's, it's, it's because it's in the uncanny valley. You know, like, yeah, the, overt Christian piles of shit, you guys make me watch. But this is worse somehow. Like it's, it's, it's because it's in the uncanny valley, you know, like, yeah, the, the Christian movies are nowhere in the fucking valley. They're in the earth's core, like they're so far from a real movie that you're, you can just enjoy it. But this movie is, it's, you know, it's kind of like a movie. So you're just like, it seems like at any moment a movie scene could happen. And it has, oh, I'll get to it, but it also has an uncanny valley soundtrack to. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, no, there's the there's the over Christian movies. And

then there's the covert Christian movies, which is what we watch today. Okay. So this came out in in September of 2001 in theaters theaters by the worst thing to have in New America in September. Give me a date. I'll be more. This made a million dollars. I know. Wow.

I saw that and I was thinking, guys, when do we start making movies? Like this movie made a million dollars. Somehow there's got to be a way that, you know, like we just say that we don't do that yet. We just need to release a movie right in the middle of a terrible disaster time. Is that what it was like 9-11 was so bad that people were like, Oh, I just, I need to get away. I got to go to the theater. I got to just an escape. Anything extremities, extremities. These days sure are extreme. Extremities. Yeah. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the

worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst backdell test. And we have some real bad fails of the backdell test in our catalog. This one is rough. So aside from a grandma that we meet for like 10 seconds, I'm not going to count that. They have two women in the entire movie. One is already dead of leukemia a long time ago. Yep. And the other is a vaginal maguthan. She's like theoretically the female lead, but

she's the prize for the protagonist winning the movie and nothing else. That's it. Like they might as well hang her around his neck on a podium at the end of the movie. It's so bad. Well, so like in order to pass the Beck del test, two women have to talk to one another at the very least. We never get that far in this movie. She would need to be a necromancer to pass the back. You think there's a necromancer version of the back. They'll test like the. You know, feminist necromancer movements like we don't get the credit we deserve. It's always man necromancing.

So I was going to go with best worst obligatory relationship conflict. Right. Because late in this movie, the movie realizes, oh, fuck, man, we're almost out of movie. There needs to be a conflict to resolve in the final minutes of the film. So these two characters that are falling in love have to have a conflict. We don't, we don't know what it is, right? Like we're sitting there through it.

We watch it. We've watched the movie and we don't know what it is. Yep. It doesn't happen off screen or anything. We watch it. We've watched the movie and we don't know what it is. It doesn't happen off screen or anything. We watch don't know either. They have a script. And they don't know. The senior talking about the senior talking about it. You're totally right. They're kissing or whatever. And then it's almost like an improv game where they're like, no, it's not done. Oh, I have to, yes, and I have to go. What? You have to wait for me to say.

You go, you go, you say something. Go, you say, the director's down. Just break up now. Break up real quick. Yeah, right, right. We'll try different takes and just something. Oh, I got a guy.

You see men and I buy. Yep. That was it. Oh, I would like to nominate this for best worst flashback from two minutes ago. This is a minor thing. But for no reason, like this doesn't fit with any theme of the movie or any anything, like artistically, there's a there's a point in the movie where they're snowboarding because you know, I don't know if you know this, but they're very extreme. Oh, yes, the days they are extreme. And so they're like, oh, you know, because the fucking Schmacky Schmack dipshit, let male love interest, nothing character, vapid fucking nothing. Literally Brian. He's asking the girl to maybe you should snowboard over this fucking jump or whatever.

He's like, I can teach you like blah blah blah. And then she's like, no, I'm not going to do it. And then the scene ends, you know, essentially. And you're like, okay, well, then she didn't do it. And then for no reason in around two or five minutes or whatever, they're like, hey, remember when I actually did do that jump? And then I like punched you in the face about it. And you're like, what?

Why didn't you just show us that? It's like they couldn't decide if they wanted to actually do the scene. And I like, wait, no, no, we should put that in. We should put that in. We could still do it. We want to do it in poetry though. Got it nailed it.

We got a plan. It was like, it was right. Because they thought they were being creative. But when it played like as like the script was in a fight right with itself, they gave two people, wrote it, one of them's like, no, she did jump the fucking tables. Yeah, the editor and the writer are like having a fight. Yeah, exactly. She hoarded it in. I would say I want to do a meta best worst, which is best worst. You guys doing the headings for the notes because like normally, you know, there's a heading of like, okay, this is this

scene and here's where the notes go. But in this one, because there's nothing happens in this movie, it's like, and now a skateboarding montage. And then I'm like, okay, I have no notes about, I'm not a, I'm not fucking Tony Hawk. I don't know. Oh, the technique on that. Look at that. Very stupid. Yeah. What am I going to, what am I going to say? Well, who does that? So then the skateboarding mod does, and then you have another heading like I need to do more notes at my, I said, nothing. I don't know what you guys got a little ambitious with that. They're going to be like four headings. I don't know who does that of you guys, but there could have been like four. I think and they're like, you know,

20 something or whatever. Oh, yeah. Well, so yeah, no, there's going to be a lot of mm-hmm in this one. Yeah, no, we're prepared for it. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, there is a ton of extreme sports in action on the other side of the break. So we're going to keep it brief. But when we come back, we'll dive into the surprise Christianity that is extreme day extreme day extreme day extreme extreme extreme. Extreme. Extreme day. Extreme day.

Extreme. All right, fellas, welcome to the first time a writer's room meeting for extreme days, where we're going to rope the kids in, make it think that they're watching a terrible extreme sports movie. Only to reveal they were watching a terrible Christian extreme sports movie the whole time. Classic. Best way to package Christ's message. Deceit. Love it.

Sure is. Do it. So, the whole idea is a cross country road trip for Jesus. We didn't have the budget for cross country per se. Okay. What do we have the budget for? 64% of California, some of Oregon and kind of Seattle. I got all do. All right. So what of kids do on road trips? Drugs drugs drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, guys, guys, this is a Christian movie. So no alcohol, no drugs, no sex, no talking about sex, no acknowledging sex, no swearing. That includes GD and H.E. double hockey sticks. And of course, no female autonomy. So what else the young men do on road trips. Ah, don't

say uh, drugs. Mm. Hold on, hold on, I got it. They stop at gas stations. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In restaurants,

yeah, what do they have? Yeah, good. Anything else? Uh, stores that don't sell gas, they might stop there. Mm.

Good. Good. Yeah. They have cousins. Yeah. Wait, what? Actually, I think that's gonna be enough to hang a script on. Let's get cracking. How could that possibly be enough? They fart. I said we've got plenty. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but they do fart. Go ahead and add that. Because there really is a scene in the movie dedicated to the main characters farting. Yes, yeah, there is. Everybody. For be nice. That's a minutes. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start

off a little cheeky. Try to do our job for us a bit. It starts off by telling us that what we're about to see is a true story, but the facts have been changed to make it worth interesting. That's so extreme of them. That's the funniest movie we'll ever be, by the way, this comedy. Yeah. Just glamour. This is a true story.

No, it's not. We changed it to be less boring. Yep. And yeah, just imagine how boring the actual trip was. Wow. This was the more interesting version. Yeah, they watched less exciting montages of shit. No, I really think in the real trip, they couldn't do any of the stunts, which they already

didn't do, but like they just sat there and thought about what it would be like if people snowboarded. Yeah. Okay. Let's all sit here and imagine somebody doing a really sick ass jump. All right. And then we'll impose everybody in somebody doing a really sick ass jump. All right. And then we'll impose everybody in Lotus Post. Think about that jump.

All right. So we open up on snow cover peaks, perhaps hoping you'll mistake this for a paramount production. And then it's extreme. There's snowboarding and running with a snowboard in here. Well, yeah, they're trying to do like a cold open on like a James Bond ski snowboard chase. Yeah. But none of them can do it.

And 90% of this chase is them like slowly unbuckling, taking the snowboard off, picking it up and running because they're in like woods, not a mountain where there's clearly like a track for snowboards and they can do anything. I love to like, so you're supposed to think that it's a gun fight on a snowboard. And at one point, some guy eats shit. And then I was thinking about the dynamics of a snowboard gun fight. And I was like, well, that guy's fine. That was a really good play actually.

Yeah, like just do that because that guy will ultimately end up winning the fight. That's because behind him has the higher ground. Yeah. Gun fights that all go in one direction by law. Don't really work that well. No. No. So, okay.

So what we're watching is this, this bullshit effort and a snowboard paintball fight and they're admitting how little this would work because the gun, the guns don't have hoppers on them, right? Like they're shooting 70,000 shots out of these paintball guns. Where are they even fucking coming from? Like the movie admits, yeah, this wouldn't really work. Well, wait, are you telling me that the same canned paintball sound over and over and over and over again wasn't really them shooting paintball? Now I'm this, I feel so swingless. That's most of the movie, by the way, and like I can't decide if the movie is trying to

do like, oh, it's a low budget charming thing. That's why we use the same sound effect. It's funny. Or if they genuinely just don't know how to do sound effects because everything like this, it's one sound over and over. No, no, no, no, like the saying you can hear that it's repeating, got it. Yep. It would have been better if they just kept all of them very clearly getting too excited and being like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Yeah, exactly, exactly. I don't know.

I've been the first laugh of the. All right. So we watched this for a very, very long fucking time and then will the narrator cuts in to introduce us to the gang. Okay. So will is as generic a human being as you can imagine. Well, okay. Are we talking about Billy Joe Armstrong? Because I mean, you could argue that Billy Joe Armstrong is a very, I mean, if he didn't have Green Day, he would be

pretty generic. I'll grant you that. But I am convinced. This is my conspiracy theory, you know, along with that inside joke about Marsh doing COVID, I'm totally just right there with you guys on. My other conspiracy theory is going to be that Billy Joe Armstrong was actually in this movie, but then he like scrubbed it from the record book, you know, like you just got, it's like, this is a piece of shit. It's not me. That's just a guy looks like me and like, don't ever say, you know, because this is Billy Joe Armstrong show like it fucking is. All right. All right.

Extreme Green Day. Yeah. And also one of the other guys is fucking Rufio. Rufio is in this. Yeah. Rufio reveal. Yep. And I was like, and I did that thing that I always do whenever it's any sort of non-white

person that I think I recognize. I'm like, that's Rufio and I go, oh, is it, but should I make that? I always doubt. Even though I know it's Rufio, I'm like, I'm but I'm a racer. I'm going to say something stupid. I'm going to say that, you know, like Sam Jackson was Morpheus or something like, I'm going to blow it. And so I went and checked. I was like, I got to make sure it's Rufio because I don't know if I got on a limb and yes It's Rufio and you know what I also saw and I can't But if you're driving right now, stop your car getting a safe position This movie has a higher rotten tomato score than hook

What? Yes People for some reason really did not like the movie hook. Yeah, can't imagine why. Look, it's bad. It's not a fine cinema. No, worse than this fucking movie. No, it isn't. It's 28% on Runtimato's. This movie has 43%.

Oh, wow. The audience score. The audience score in this movie, well, I mean, that's a bunch of Christians, I guess, but 90% in the hook audience score. Yeah, but so like, but I read the reviews of this movie. Well, I mean, that's a bunch of Christians, I guess, but 90% in the hook audience score. So like, but I read the reviews of this movie. This movie was just like, and there was no swearing at all. It was just fantastic. Nine stars, you know, anyway, that put me in a bad, real bad mood, though.

I was like, come on, hook wasn't that bad. It's got some great stuff in it. Bang a ring. Come on. So core. Yeah. So we've got, yeah, we've got snowball generic. Well, we have Corey slash that's Corey that's Rufio the ever so slightly ethnic guy that they have in their gang. And then Brian the ladies man. Yeah. And Matt

who is the stoner character, but since this movie doesn't have drugs in it, he's just a California guy. Yeah, that's a good point. He's supposed to be on drugs, but since this movie doesn't have drugs in it, he's just a California E guy. Yeah, that's a good point. He's supposed to be on drugs, but since they can't do that option, he's just a fucking insane person. Yeah, thanks. Everything he does makes sense.

I have to confess something though. I unironically love this guy. I can't help it. Like there's something about this fucking. There's something about this John Lennon look alike, weirdo, like he's so fucking weird and committed to this nothing dumbass movie that I just couldn't help it. He won me over.

All right. He's an extreme actor. Yeah. He did. He tried so hard. All right. So then we get a title screen that might as well just sit backwards in a chair and sneak the word damn

into the conversation, you know, extreme days. And that leads us into this incredibly long backstory, useless home movie shit. Oh, it was like the wonder years, but from like late 80s, early 90s, it was rough. And if nothing interesting ever happened to Kevin, right, yeah. We also learn here just, I don't know where they're like, really 90s, it was rough. And if nothing interesting ever happened to Kevin, right? Yeah.

We also learn here just, I don't know where they're like, also up on nothing. My sister died in leukemia when she was like 12. Give you a second if you're playing Christian movie, Bingo. I think this counts as you get the market off. So stupid to give you an idea of the joke writing of this film. The dad would have been a good salesman if he just weren't so bad at it. I think is the line. Yeah. Yeah. And I can't even tell if they meant for that to be a joke or if that's just how bad the writing is. Yeah. Right. And so they

have to like, they have to show that dad's a bad salesman. So like, here's how he's a bad salesman. He doesn't understand that if you hold things upside down, they fall out. Yeah. What? He's in the middle of an info, Marshall. Just being like, there must be Here's how he's a bad salesman. He doesn't understand that if you hold things upside down, they fall out. What? He's in the middle of an info, Marshall, just being like, there must be a better way to get my drop the entire vacuum on your foot. Broken. Like vacuum someone's head off and then has to bury them and stuff like that. You don't need to be that bad at being a sale.

Like just show the door slamming in this face. There you go. One of that's already shown nothing. None of this. Don't be so. No, no, this ever fucking matters. You know, this all builds to like eight minutes. We had a dead sister and dad was a very good sister leads to we lived in a house. Yeah. Right. That's the way. That's what we're sending up here as well. How did you

guys wind up living in a house? Well, let me tell you. Yeah, we'll go ahead and assume you live in a house unless you tell us otherwise. We don't need to. We don't need to tell us otherwise. Well, hold on, hold on. Before you start this road trip, wait a minute.

How are you living in a house? I don't understand. Don't let the establishing shot on a lumber yard and then we'll go from there. Wait, you have clothing and you eat food now. Yeah, right. Right. I don't believe it.

Food. And then like as we're going through this long, you know, when I was a kid back when we got a house thing, we now we meet all of those friends again that we've already met. I know. Oh, and also, of course, we meet Corey's rich grandpa, right? Grandpa G. Yeah. That'll be important, guys. Well, do we know he's rich? That yeah right? Grandpa G. Yeah. That'll be important, guys.

Well, do we know he's rich? Yeah, whatever. Yeah, he's a cool grandpa character and then he disappears and doesn't matter. That's the movie sucks. And at this point in the film, I was thinking to myself, like how many kids is he like having?

It's just, I mean, it's just one baby. Like I want to back out of this. That's right, right. You know, like the first one, it's just one babe. Like I want to back out of this. That's right, right. You know, like the first one, it's not even a baby. Do you really need me to watch it? Like how important is this event in your life? I don't know.

I started bargaining with myself. Oh God, this is so rough. And it's, this is in 2001, they made this. Yeah. So they're so very clearly excited to be like Christian Jackass. Yeah. Yeah. The whole thing is, that's what we're seeing in the end of this home video is like, look at us, dude.

Well, we couldn't quite do Jackass or say Jackass because we're afraid of that word and it's copyright. But we had a very small ramp into a baby pool. That's the same as Jackass. We're mucking around. We're a bunch of rascals. A bunch of burros. That sounds weird. Yeah, and Christian culture is always a good five to 10 years behind where things actually. So this movie is solidly like 1995, you know?

Yeah. It's got all the generic rock, as I was saying, with the soundtrack. When you look for this movie, it really harps on the soundtrack. The cover is like, with the hit soundtrack, get it for the, they figured like, this is the only way we're going to sell is this hit fucking soundtrack. And then you check out the soundtrack and it's everything is a slight knockoff of some 90s, like punk rock-y sound, because it's all Christian bands that do an impression of God. And it's so frustrating, because the whole movie, I'm like, am I feeling nostalgic,

or it's like a knockoff nostalgia? Yeah, right, that yes, knockoff nostalgia is exactly the feeling I got through this entire film. I feel it's like a parallel reality that was in the 90eties or something. It's weird. I don't remember three quarters charmed kind of life. Was that it? Yeah. So then we get this little montage of all of these fucking balding 18 year olds. They want to go on a road trip after graduation, right? They're all in their fucking thirties.

And again, because this movie just doesn't have a movie's worth of shit to do, we have to watch them all, we have a little them getting jobs to save up money for the road trip. This movie will eventually be about montage. Yeah. But mostly just to get some racism in there casually, I think was all I got. Oh, yeah, cause of Matt's job, the his cultural appropriation jump. Yeah, he, one of them works at like, ethnic slur fluffle anywhere. That's her man.

Welcome to ethnic slur fry. We fry the fluffle, the secret. This is still totally okay, according to us at this year, even though it definitely wasn't. Yeah. Right. But again, like you said, the Christians are always five years behind, 55 years behind on the big itry, right?

In the parts of the country that we're hoping this sells in, this is still fine. Yeah. Right. Which in September of 2001 was the entire country. Yeah. And the worst is the is Rufio's thing because like he's a lifeguard who wouldn't you know it guys? Okay, let's talk comedy. Let's talk comedy. You guys know some about it. It wouldn't be funny if Rufio just applied sunscreen

like a human being would, you know, like protect your scanner. Whether that's that funny. Yeah. He's got to put it all in a solid white like paint like it's paint like house paint on his nose, because that's what you do. It's because it's fucking comedy. I just I fell over laughing. It's on his nose. Oh, and then he's loving it in.

He like he humorously abused children. Yeah. Afterwards, it was great. It was like comedy was so good. And during the abusing children montage, they vary very distinctly. And I bet you this was not intentional. It's just they don't fucking know anything. They used a baby crying for a eight year old crying.

And as a dad, I was like, that's not, that doesn't fucking match. It's not the sound that thing makes. Come on. That was non-diagjetic crying right there. Stupid movie dumb. Learn your years. Okay.

So they won't got their money saved up. We see all them doing their jobs. And they won't let their money save them. And we have this scene where they have to brow beat Matt, the stoner, into quitting his cultural appropriation job. Yeah. Which is insane, right? Like this guy who's fresh out of fucking high school has a managerial position that has

medical and dental benefits and his friends are brow beating him out of into quitting it so that they can go fuck around in Mexico for a week. Fuck you guys. Yeah, and specifically they have medical, dental and a full HMO. I'm like, no, that's not how that works. The HMO would be the medical. Yeah, that's the M. It is.

Let her stand for things, right? But, but they're like, but dude, do you really want to do this for the rest of your life? They, they try humor again. Lock them up for comedy, Nella. Oh my God. So they do this doodly to re-imagine some stuff as a old man doing the fast food job and the way that they present this, the comedy that they go with is the exact same thing we just saw him doing only with a beard.

And then he's going to pretend to be crazy or something. I don't know. This guy still loves him. I love him. I can't help it. It's so dumb. I'm old now. I can really lean into these ethnic slurs. I can't like, this guy still loves him. I love him. I can't help it, it's so dumb. I'm old now, I can really lean into these death and experience, I can't like, you love to.

I can't. So yeah, so then he's like, no, I guess I will quit after that doodly do. I guess I should quit without notice this job. Okay. Just start your fucking movie. I hate this so much. I was furious.

And I kept popping to my head for the next 50 minutes. Yeah, where they start the movie. We can't start the movie, you know why? Because we got some more comedy. We have some packing to do, sir. Yeah, and but the guy is trying to put a full fucking costume shop from community theater into, you know, a suitcase and he can't fit it. It's so funny. They're like, what would be the point of trying to close that? It's obvious. It won't hold. You can't put pickled eggs in there. Yeah. And like these guys wear more than one stupid fucking outfit, like they all, they don't wear those clothes. That's, yeah. Yeah. Hate it. They are not efficient packers at all. That is true. So I've got I have to point

this out to because there's this moment where like we see them like they're packing and they're getting everything ready for this big road trip. And at one point one of them smash this fucking piggy bank starts counting on money. They have photo copies of money. Yep. They could they not get the rights to money. did money not want to be in their film somebody clearly kept stealing the like Prop room guys were make it we need this is not your money that we need this I wanted a twix it's like motherfucker you ain't paid me for too long. This is my money Yeah, my brain went to the like, oh, is this the 30s or whatever? I was like, wait, 2001, like what? I know how this money looked. I was there. Like

there's no way that was it. Well, and then there was this, there's this dumbass scene that wherever they're trying to pack everything into the car and we keep getting it. Oh, well, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. And this scene, that doesn't work. If the eventual solution is, oh, it actually just all fits in the back. Right? No, the solution at the answer is, we don't want to start this movie because once we get started, it's, we've got like 23 minutes of moving. Yeah. Everything we can to not, for at a certain point, they're all ready to go. And then they get out of the car. and one guy says, for the love of donuts, let's go like that. That's Matt. Yeah, the guy you love. Yeah. Is that a, is that a, is that

a thing? I've never heard of that thing. Never heard of it. Well, because they can't say for the love of Christ or for the love of God. It's the stupid way. Oh, and yeah, to, to reinforce, yeah, oh, absolutely. To reinforce the point that Thomas is making about this movie's hesitancy to just get the fuck going at this point I shit you not the car. They're going to be driving. It's a goddamn backstory. Oh, yeah, yeah the joyota Well, cuz you've got to explain why they're driving a toy Barbie vehicle I was like they're taking a toy car Is somebody gonna be like behind him holding the little control with the wire driving them the whole way?

It's a Volkswagen thing. The Volkswagen thing. Yeah. Whatever era. I don't know when they actually made that, but that's what they called it. Wow. All right. So then we, okay.

So they get on their road trip, fucking at length. They get on their goddamn road trip. And then we end up with a goddamn location title that manages to be racist. It's just as 40 miles south of the Mexican border. I'm like, guys, that's Mexico, or even a specific place in Mexico. You don't have to do it like it's like with in relation

to where a real country is. Just past our Pios fence. There it is. Yeah. It's like their Christian map just has the border and then blackness like just dot. Yeah, just number of miles for civilization. You've traveled. Yeah, like look at all these foreigners in this place. God.

Oh, so yeah, so then so they go surfing and we get a the first of many extreme sports montages. Sorry. Do they go. They do not go surfing. That is a valid point Thomas. Guys, guys, these, these characters are world class surfers and world class snowboarders and world class derbikers not skateboarders though, because you're not in a like you'd have to they need tight shots for skateboarding. But everything else. No, these guys are

world class. Yeah, my known as that person surfing is definitely one of our main characters. This is one of those places where I had to say like I have no note. Just wake me up when they're not surfing. What am I gonna, I'm gonna riff on footage of the summer Olympics where some like people are surfing. What am I, joke, surfing, watch out for an octopus. Like, well, I don't know, that's surfing. There's nothing. That looks like Kelly Slater fucked it.

No, he's just too active. That's the extractive man surfing. I don't know, I have. Why about, I would probably do that too. No, okay, but here's the fact of man surfing. I don't know. I got wipe out. I would probably do that. No, so okay, but here's the thing though is that this was really good surfing, right? Like, like, it was ridiculously long. I was 100% fine with that. Yeah. I would much rather watch good surfers surf than anything else this movie is going to throw at me. I want to know, do you guys have a dedicated fan base who will do arbitrary shit

for you? Because I want if. If could we take a bet? This was an hour and 29 minute movie, I think, right? Something like that. Yeah. Could we take bets on if you got rid of all the montages, how long it would be? What do you think it would be? Zero minutes, Thomas. Like, four weeks.

No, it's like, seriously, I'm going to go, I would say, like trying not to exaggerate an hour and a half, I would say it's at least 30 minutes of montage. I was gonna say 68 minutes if you take out the montage. I'm saying I might be overdoing it, but yeah. That's a very fair guess. Okay, but again, it's a movie that's outside of the montage as you're describing as a fucking montage of a movie. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah, you have to really qualify. Yeah, you're right. It depends on how you define montage. Like if you take that out of montage, no. If you take out everything that isn't just like two people talking in one reality to each other about that reality and not being like, well, remember when Nana doesn't, you know, that out, we'd be down to like 28 minutes.

Right, yeah. You could play Yackety Sex over this 90 minutes and it would not be unreasonable. That would be totally fair. I had a note that was like, is this just a music video? Are we watching a new Joe's new music video? Then he sends back out of the job. All right.

So then we cut from the surfing to the scene where they're chugging hot sauce because it says extreme on the label and because they can't have them do drugs. Oh man. No way, it's high jinks. What's a Mexico thing? Hotsauce. Hotsauce, chugging hot.

What's a forecology dude thing to do? What extreme chugging of hot sauce in a restaurant for now? Also that. Great. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, they chug a hot sauce for a second, but then about 17 minutes into the film. That's how far we are now. Also that. Great. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, they chug hats us for a second, but then about 17 minutes into the film. That's how far we are now.

The movie goes, fuck, we need a plot of some kind. So Corey gets a call that his rich grandpa died. Remember him from the third second montage? Second. From the home video within the montage of the right. Right. Yes, that's right. The inception level hard.

Inception of the leukemia plot, which was a dream by Billy Jones. And it's Jacob's ladder scenario, hot cats. Damn it. This whole thing, it's just a movie of bad podcast premises. Like they just now they're chugging hot sauce

and talking about the West Wing and fucking sucking Jordan Peterson's dick and doing karate. Fuck you. Start your movie. All right. So they, Cory says, yeah, I just got a call that my rich grandpa died, but he left me that sweet car he had in a bunch of money.

I have to leave the road trip and, and immediately all three of them are like, you fucking dick. You would leave pissing around chugging hot sauce in Mexico with us just to go to your grandfather's funeral. I have that thing to it like, wow, you're really going to leave all this behind the serving the dudes, the chugging hot sauce. Wow, you'd be crazy to leave that for bags of money that you think you inherited. He's gone. He's walking up the ocean. Yeah. I love to. The bro attempt at some sort of

emotional comfort is my favorite. God, I love how low the fucking bar are for dudes in these things. The guy because the, you know, the main fucking hunk that's supposed to be a hunk is like, Hey, you all right, man? It's like, oh, there you go. You fixed it. Good job. That's, that's all he needed. You've done your part, right, man? Yeah.

And he didn't like let him go, oh, his grandpa died. Let him go, you know, have a night to him. So, you know, he did, it was like 32 seconds after the call. Yeah. Hey, you seem to still be worried about the call. Are you mean, man? Should I get you some dirt to rub into this? I don't get.

Yeah. You still a jug. You're fucking hot. We've been waiting. Still your fucking dirt. Corey, we're not forgetting it's your turn because you fucking grandpa. You're not seeing it. Just out of respect for the dead, we gave you 20 seconds.

Come on. Well, and then, so, and then will the narrator goes, wait a minute, guys, actually now that I think about it, Corey's grandpa dying is super convenient, right? We could just all go to Washington together and extend our road trip because we were fucking out of ideas for this movie until that. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Exactly. This is almost the plot, guys. All right, so they decide to head to Washington so that it's gonna be like a, it's a cross-country road trip,

but north or south to north, rather than east to west because that's what they could afford. But not without the very valuable protest from the stoner who goes, I hate to be the voice of reason guys, but this sounds crazy. Like, what the fuck you talking about? This is literally the first non-stupid thing you idiots have

considered doing at this movie. Oh, should we drive up to help our friend get money in a car? Or should we keep chugging hot sauce? I know. Fucking reason. Yeah. I don't know if we have the money to go get the money. They say that it would get by itself. And then they have to like, talk themselves back into the idea that money is made of money. And then we can go get money and we'll have money. Well, there you go. And one way to say, we don't have the money to drive home. We have to keep going in Mexico. Yeah. We'll have to make a new home here. And he does the realization like, wait a minute. But if we go to Washington, we'll have money. Whoa. And then they go. Yeah. Wow. That was a conflict that I really

was invested in whether or not you would figure it out. Right. So we have a little montage of them driving for a minute. And then we get to see where they check into the crappy hotel. But oh, shit. There's just the one bed. Yeah, we also got our first God reference here. Oh yeah, the narrator says God has a way of throwing curveballs. Pinn in there. I was like, don't try to sneak God into the fucking movie. Just own it. You fucking liars.

Just say God's stuff. Don't, don't be all weird and subtle. No, it's gonna be another 40 minutes before they sneak him back in again. Yep. So yeah, so they're checking into this crappy motel and then they have to have the obligatory like you're fighting over who gets the bad moment. Because that's funny. And so much homoerotic wrestling here, just constantly throughout the movie, but especially just be gay, just be gay or don't be gay, be whatever, but so much of this, they're just like, we're wacky guys, we can't help but tackle each other at all moments. Yeah, no, in the middle of the wrestling and everything, Matt, the stoner character,

gets in the bed, takes his pants off and starts wiping his naked ass around on the bed. Is what happens in this? Hey, you guys, you know, if you totally extreme right now, is it, is it, it was a butt fucked each other? What? I just said, you said that. Would it be really extreme? It's funny. Now, bar your safety goggles that you always wear and never take off. All right.

So then, so it's the next day, they're back on the road and we get the stopping for gas scene. Now, this opens up with the narrator saying, like, you know, there's some coincidences in life that make you wonder if there's somebody up there pulling all the strings and we were about to have our second crazy coincidence. I'm like, what is the first one? I have no idea. Right. The grandpa died. The leukemia. See, the grandpa died in that coincided with other events that were happening on planet. Right. Because like everything coincides. Right. So like, I guess everything is technically a coincidence. Yeah. Yeah. Well, isn't it a coincidence that we're all on this recording?

What is that? It's like, boy, that God. Very easy. I'm mysterious ways. Why would you let us do an atheist podcast? That's the way it's supposed to do. Without God, we would be all doing the show, but at different times, because we could.

Right, yeah. There's actually no way to know without God. Okay, but to be clear, the second like God miracle thing they're talking about right here is that they needed bikes and Matt, crazy Matt would safety goggles had a bikes guy. Yeah. Like is it? Do you need a bikes guy to obtain bikes? Yeah. Why do you need bikes? No, they didn't. They didn't. They didn't know. They were like, it was such a crazy coincidence. We were just needing a second extreme montage and his constant had, yeah, had some dirt bikes. And it's so great because

I love the Christian entitlement of this movie and the male, if there's a good, you know, like to use the word we're just using a good coincidence of Christian entitlement and male entitlement in this movie that just, oh, it's so good because the people, the character, the main characters are just total pieces of shit. And like, but, but like you're, oh, you, but you still love them. It's like, do you? No, no, no. And as the narrator is saying, oh, you know, those coincidences,

they are about to commit vehicular homicide. Like they're literally, they run over somebody, like I think it's like a homeless person. Yeah, they run over the homeless guy's shopping cart. Yeah. They run over a homeless guy's shopping cart. So close to murder.

And it's not even, not even addressed. They're like, oh, you're not a person. We don't give a fuck about you. Pull yourself by your bootstraps. There's a pretty sure Jesus didn't say anything about helping the poor. So you are a character. Well, and so here's how stupid the coincidence though is in this movie, right? So the real coincidence they're talking about is they're about to meet this girl. They're about to meet the love interest. They were heading to meet her. She's the cousin with the bikes, right? Like the coincidences that the person that

they were coming to see was in the place they went to see her. Well, it's the guys who are the other cousins who are on the mechanic shop because the joke is that everyone in this town is somehow Matt's cousin does. which doesn't even understand the punchline. Is that a joke? What's the joke? Oh, so bad. But she does enter with her like attractive woman music. Yes, the slow motion entry.

Yeah. I wanted them to stop me like, hey, did that woman have a soundtrack? Would you want that? Like entry to the WWE music? Yeah. But then Brian, who we decided right now is the protagonist, I guess he becomes the protagonist here. He's like, hello, dams alive, penis, alfixie, and she's like, please go away now. And he's like, it's 2001. I'm allowed to harass you forever. I will not be forever.

I heard you know, and I choose to ignore it. And I am the hero of this film. Yeah. So yeah, but so what we're getting here is the love interest girl is shown up at the repair shop. Her car is broken down. How will she ever get to Seattle? Well, wouldn't you know, that's where they're going to see.

There's your there's your coincidence. Hmm. You guys clever. Just want to invite her into our montage That's inviting to our montage all right. Well, I'll tell you what we've made it far enough to meet the love interest That this movie will later try to have been about so we've earned ourselves a break But we'll back soon with even more extreme days with even more extreme days. Alright, so for this next scene, the whole crew are checking into a crappy Mattel, but hey, there's just one bed.

Ha ha, classic, good one. Good stuff. Alright, so we fight over who gets the bed I'm assuming. Yeah, alright, I was thinking, you guys could wrestle for it, right? Wrestle. Yeah, no, you guys could just all like get together and wrap your arms over each other, roll around on the bench, just grab each other by, you know, whatever, you can get a hold

of it, squeeze just in a huge pile of like young man meat. You know what I mean? Do you want us to cuddle for a- Cuddle? No, this is a Christian movie. Okay, I want you to heterosexualy wrestle. Okay. Matt, you're first thing though, you're gonna get under the cover,

you're gonna take off your pants and you're underwear and then just ride around on the bed. You want me to ride? Yes. Heterosexualy? Of course. Okay, and then what after that, I was thinking you could heterosexual least suck each other's dicks. And we're back for more of this shit. And since it's been a while since this movie was extreme, we're going to open up on a random dirt biking montage.

Yep. And these are definitely our actors doing this because you can cover those stunt men from head to toe. Absolutely not. This is again, just stock footage. It's like, they might as well just stop to watch YouTube videos together. And we watch them watch YouTube videos. I had the same thought. I was like, this movie would never happen now because we all have YouTube. And so you'd just be like, why would I watch this piece of shit when I could just go to the YouTube clips? But back then, you know,

they probably had to track down these VHS tapes to like get it into the... Well, yeah, I know that was the thing though, right? Like you would suffer through the fucking plot because you were like, but there is some good surfing in there somewhere. Yeah, right. No, it's also cool besides surfing

that we can't do ourselves extreme dirt biking. Watch other people do that. When I love about this scene is the voiceover says, Jesse made her conditions clear. And I just assumed her conditions were you guys did better get some sick air on these bikes. Cut to them, getting some totally ill air on these jumps. And check, Jesse. You're welcome. Yeah, right. Yeah.

I wanted her to like point out what the fuck was happening though, just being like, hey, are we stopping every so often on the road trip for a montage within like the random breaks, it's slowing down the trip. Guys, just, you know, let's drive and I want to watch you to videos Yeah, I wanted Cory to go off at some point and go like guys. I'm trying to get to my grandfather's funeral here This is like a dream hey Respect them on Toshkori fuck you. This is also features the kind of fucking bullshit 90s rock punk thing song where you don't I guess if you're like a one

armed guitar player you can just K-bo a power cord onto the guitar and then it's just song is that down up down up down up down up down up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up she wouldn't fuck him during the road trip, right? But they can't say fuck or reference the idea of fucking or acknowledge that other people once referenced the idea of fucking. So they end up with this convoluted shit where Corey bets him $100, best probably in the ladies man, $100 that she won't quote, do something she's never done before that he wants her to do that. You scared her. I bet you can't coerce this woman into doing something non-consensual, not sex is what I mean, but not entirely. What the fuck?

That's the bad. Now, much of this movie is going to revolve around them forgetting and then remembering about that, that this bet is a thing, right? So okay, after that, they stopped for food and Brian just turns to Jesse and says, hey, you know, Apple bow and nothing. Are you scared of anything I could coerce you into doing? And she's like, please stop talking to me. Don't address me directly at all.

I would like you to not talk. And then he starts, he takes that as a bidding more. Yep. Oh, you know, I talked to 10 dollars. Do I hear 15? Talk to me for 15 dollars, 20 dollars, try to, it's like, this is your main character. And she even says, quote, you don't really understand what the word no means. Do you? Yeah. The movie's like, ah, lovable that guy. Yes. Awful. Yeah. And yeah, we established here, first of all, we established that she's going

to Yale, but don't worry. She's paying her own way to Yale in 2001. And also, we established that she's terrified to sing in public. So if he could convince her to sing in public, that would win him the bet. Yeah. So that's where the bidding war starts. He's like, okay, I'll give you $10 to sing in public, $15, $25, $50, $99.93, right? I'm like, hey man, why don't you just give her a fucking lesion, some symbols. God. But she manages to turn this around on it. She says, I'll tell you what, I'll make a bet with you loser Loser has to sing in public. And I'm like, Oh, good.

We're inceptioning the bets now. And this is where they play their arousing game of wack me in the head with a mouth spoon. I hate this so much. I hate this so much every single part of this. I hate. So here's the thing. This is fine if they do it once. The problem is is that they keep doing this goddamn

joke so long after the punch line that like you go and get a fucking drink in a sandwich. Oh, if you took out montages plus this stupid fucking guy, we're down to 12 minutes of remainder. All right. So here's the bit. So she says, here's the game. It's called spoons. You try to whack me in the head as hard as you can with a spoon in your mouth. And I'll do the same and then loser is the person who has to give up first, but it's all a trick. See because cousin Matt, the stoner is going to stand behind Brian and whack him in the head with a spoon.

Get it. And you think, Oh, is he going to figure it out? No, he's not going to figure it out. And furthermore, it will somehow not be a turn off for her that he's a fucking idiot who never figured out this game. And like, he's still at the end of the movie. He could still be like, all right, one more shot at your head. One more time. Loveable that guy. So, remember his fucking name, who cares, and all the same fucking schmuck. And again, like, you know, look, if they didn't once and then tee he he and later reference

men, you know, if any said later, like, yeah, my head still has never figured out 11 times in how you were getting such a hard, you know, then maybe that's fine. Okay, you did your joke right, but they just keep going with it over and over. And you're like, yes, Matt, gonna hit him in the fucking head. Well, of course, we've seen this already. And then the whole diner is interested in this stupid fucking thing. Oh, we don't all have lives of our own. No, we definitely care about what these fucking idiot college Christians are doing,

because it's so wacky. It's extreme. We were drawn to extreme things. What can we say? The town comes in. Here's some. Yeah, there's people. Spoon whacking going down. I can't watch. The mayor comes in playing a game of spoons. You're by declare there. you mayor of the, yeah, they give the key to the city. Yeah, it's like coming. Nobody would care about this. So finally, like he gives up and he has to sing. And then they all go to leave and he turns to well to the narrator, right? And he says, man, Jesse sure is awesome.

She reminds me of dead leukemia sister. Remember that had a purpose, dead leukemia sister. Remember that had a purpose dead leukemia sister from the beginning nailed it. Yeah. What I look for in a woman is for them to remind me of my sister. Yeah. What I want really want that. Alright. So now we're going to move on to San Francisco. We're going to watch them tourist about on the Golden Gate Bridge just long enough for us to all write in our notes. Oh my god, I'm watching someone else's home movies. Oh, no, see, I have the best possible thing this movie could do right now would be to cut straight into the full house intro right now.

Right now. Just fucking abandon whatever you are doing. And just going to do. Yeah. But they go to San Francisco and they're like, all right. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr They do. No other city has bridges. Nope. That's the, that's the bridge, America's bridge. And here's the fucked up thing about this bridge scene, right? We see the, again, the fucking shaky cam home footage, shit, they keep sneaking in of them all being on the bridge. And then we get this helicopter shot, right? They didn't have fucking drones to do this back then. They were using a goddamn helicopter where we pan away from them out into the bay

and everything. And I'm like, my fucking God, a helicopter was involved in making this piece of shit movie. That's sad. That's where the whole budget went to that one thing. Yeah. Well, yeah, right. Extreme helicopter montage. Yeah. Well, and then after the fucking bridge scene, some local skateboarders hooked him up with the skateboarding montage. Wow, all their legs are really good at skate. Look at all the main characters as legs. They couldn't even talk

the goddamn stuntman into wearing normal pants like the rest of them were wearing. He's got the baggy skater pants. I'm like, oh, wow, do they change pants before they went skating? No, they definitely went to a skate park. Didn't tell anyone they were filming and just shot close-ups of all the skaters' legs. Yep. And then where they're like, this is our movie. Hey, man, you're right next to my legs. What the fuck are you doing, stop? You love this. Of all the ass-down montages I've ever seen, this might be my favorite.

Oh, okay. So it's in the top 10 in the top 10. All right, and by the way, I want to say we are about 25 seconds into that montage before I catch them reusing the same shot. So that too. But now it's time for a fart montage. You think I'm getting the audience thinks I'm fucking getting the audience thinks there's not really a fart montage at this point in the goddamn movie, but this is the fucking movie comes up. We get a little title card that says 543 AM and all of the main characters are sitting around in the hotel room lighting their farts on fire together, but they're not using a lighter, right? There's no lighter or candle or match.

They're just fart and fire shoots out of their ass like they're a reverse dragon. I think we're to believe they all have an ignition system. We all shove that igniter up our assholes. Yeah. Start the mod. Yep. We all did that just now for today only correct. That's why I did it just now. Hey, I noticed you didn't go into the bathroom to install you. I did it when you weren't looking just a second ago. Really? Well, you guys were in the bathroom. I had no food in my ass. So, yeah, my mind involved a lot of work. I had to squat. I had to

So, because mine involved a lot of work, I had to squat, I had to do many of that. Weird. Also, by the way, Rufio is a firebender from the last airbender. So maybe that's the tie-in to that universe. I don't know. There you go. And then, of course, this is all set up. We watched this happen for like 11 goddamn minutes. This goes on forever. They were just really proud of having set up this. I guess the fire, however, whatever fucking thing they did, they're so proud of it. Like, do we need just one? No, one fart. No, we need just fucking for just forever. Oh, there's got to be at least 20 goddamn parts here. Yeah. And of course, the punchline to this scene is as they're sitting around, asses in the air doing the fire parts, Jesse comes in and catches them. And that's very embarrassing. And I'm like, how the hell does she have a,

why would they give her a key to their hotel room if they were going to be lighting parts? Yeah. Plus they don't do anything with that. Like she comes in. And she's like, Hey, where is she? What did she say? I don't know. She asked to check you out of the't remember. She asked him. I checked you out of the hotel room. Oh, yeah. It's them. And then she just leaves.

Yep. And they thought that was going to be positive. Like, you walk in. And she's like, oh, yes, yes, right. Oh, did you lean into the farting? No, I'm sorry. Never mind.

Never mind. We're going to pack it up. It's cool. Oh, you guys have a ass flints too. Yeah. Right. So and now it's time for an extreme grocery shopping month. Uh,

extreme. What the fuck? And okay, so first of all, here's the great thing about this. They had permission to knock over one display. Right. So then like they're trying to do this like, oh, we've, you know, don't give a fuck about nothing. We're extreme. Everybody getting a shopping cart. We're going to push

around and be crazy. But they're being so goddamn careful not to mess anything up. Yeah. They're taking stuff from the back. The back of the shelves, keeping it all organized. And then they finally knock over one thing. Yeah. And this, you talked earlier about like someone having a soundtrack. She can hear the rock music that's them being extreme, but it's like quieter where she is. So like they're doing, they're doing extreme race car, cart, you know, shopping cart. By the way, this is like a gas stations worth of shopping. You know, this isn't a big like safe way like giant. You know, this is just a tiny thing. So there's no extreme. You're not going very fat. It's nothing like I would I would do this with my kid. If I

put my kid in the card and did this, the kid would be like, yeah. But they play the music. They play the. Well, but like they go over to her and the music is a little quieter. She's like, do I hear an extreme montage? Doesn't make a fucking shot without a montage. It does, is the music in, is it real or not? Like is the music? I just, is the PA system playing soccer in my aisle because I'm not in the montage. It's a very dedicated, the PA gets louder where people are being more

extreme. It's very high tech. I don't know why the guy thought they would sell more tomatoes in a grocery store if they did that or something. So, and then of course this all culminates in the race to the last half gallon of milk. Cause you know when you're on a road trip, how you need to get a half gallon of milk. Right. And they vary specifically started half gallon of milk. Right. And they very specifically started with one shopping list.

Yep. And then they tore it in half and said, you get this, you get this. And then the other two guys tore that one and half said, you get this, you get this. But then even though they took pains to show us that fucking delegation process, they all say, we need milk, like whoop, that they wrote three times on the list apparently yeah Yeah, so they're all racing towards the milk But dammit if the old lady that's been like they've been harassing through the entire store doesn't beat them to the milk Yeah, they're the knocked over old lady. Yeah, they did because they're the good guys

And then the old lady gets in there and gets it and they crash into the one display They were allowed to knock over and Jesse walks up the 11th or walks up to Brian. She's like, see, this is why I don't want anything to do with you. You're a kind of asshole who can't even go to a grocery store without a costing an old lady. And by the way, you were lighting your farts earlier. Like, I don't, I didn't want to bring it up. But like that.

Also, I hit you in the face with a spoon like 600 times in a row. You're so dumb. You're the dumbest. You're really stupid, man. I just, sorry. I can't do it. Will you put your head down for a second? I'm going to hit you in the face with a spoon again. The other guy takes a hammer. Oh, you put a nail in that one. We'll done. And then just to remind us that like she's right to ignore this hassle, he says, I wasn't on the list, but I bought you tampons because I was concerned for your vagina. Where are you going? Yeah.

And then we get the very hilarious. Oh, no, you actually need these. Cause, cause, because you're a girl straights. Yeah. Cause you've been straight. And it's period. Yeah, because you made a face. And it's a joke there. And then, okay, so they all go to leave. And there's this little homeless family

sitting right in front of the grocery store. Now, this scene is goddamn amazing. Because what's supposed to happen is Brian, the love interest, is supposed to see this homeless family and go like, oh, guys, I have a whole bag full of food and you have none. Let me give you food. But he keeps giving them the wrong shit. It's just, he's like, he gives a pudding cups like, wow, you guys would need spoons for those.

Yeah. So here's orange. You would need glasses. Why do I keep giving you things that require refrigerators? There's a raw slab of meat. Got some ground beef. Here's a George Foreman grill and a gas generator that I awesome. But oh, here's a, I'll get your gallon of gas in a second. I'll come back.

No, here's, here's what I love about this scene because the whole point of it obviously is all that he actually has a heart of gold. You see this lovable guy and the girl, you know, is supposed to notice, he's not trying to do it further than that, but she notices. Now I was thinking about, so he doesn't this mean that the girl is actually a total piece of shit?

Like she just walked right by the family. She doesn't care. Doesn't turn around, like where's the love intro? Oh, he's over there feeding, that's kind of nice of him. Anyway, let's go. Right, right, because they all, the rest of them have booed

in their hands when this happens. Right, and they're like, yeah, oh, that's a good thing he took care of that. And we've established that she's the Christian. Like early Ron, he was like, oh, she's the best. She prays every day, she ba, ba, ba, meanwhile, she walks right by this family. Doesn't give a shit.

Yep. Oh, I want him to take out a Bible at the end of this and then just be like, no, thank you. No, you can have your pudding and orange juice. I'm going to go back in this place. No, but I love it because it's exactly Christian charity, which is you're going to do enough charity for a girl to be like, oh, that's nice. But then no, no more like that's the fact.

Right. Yeah, exactly. But you're not really going to help this family at all because the girl's not going to help them help the kids because the girl has nothing to prove right now, but it's just just for the guy who has something to prove is going to help the homeless people. And then God damn it. They said earlier in this movie that this was taking place in August. They could have said a different month.

They was it's their movie. It could be any month, but no, this is August and luckily for them, just then there was an August snow storm. So they went snowboarding. Well, they stopped by Mount Everest. So yeah, now we just ended up with this long ass snowboarding. It's like 40 feet of perfect powder. Yes.

It's like, it's not just. Well, I'm awesome fucking August 40 feet of snowstorms. Yes. And then I love too, because they're like, oh, this girl could ride. We couldn't find any footage of it or anything, but we're just gonna. I'm a truck in a truck and there was a female who could snow. The unsaid part

of the narration was like, well, you hear it. Take a look at these stuntmen and see and imagine what she would look like in their place doing the same thing because she could ride. Well, and men, like this all wraps up and one of them comes up to her and says, Brian comes up and says, what man, you're really good. Where'd you learn to snowboard? And she goes, man, penisises, I learned from men. Men who had a different camera and now we have a new camera just now, it's fine. And my chemical romance is there a lot. Also. And then so and Brian walks up to where he says, huh, hey, would you like to do a

super scary thing you don't want to do with me? And it looks like a quarrel like eh eh eh. Is that a purpose of nothing? No, it doesn't, she doesn't do it. Well, this is the part that fucking that or she does do it. Yes. This is my two minute flashback. Yeah, right, because that's where the scene ends, but we're going to go back to that scene in a minute because wouldn't you know it?

Just that fucking night, there happened to be a for formats by rage and favor of the machine. Yeah. Yeah. Matt had another cousin. This is like his eighth cousin that we need. This fucking cousin X mockinus shit is where I'm thin guy. Yeah. But it's such a great bit though. I laugh every time. God is am it cousins. It's I hate these people so much and they ramp it up so hard here because Matt's cousin is in a rap rock band. Yeah. I hate the entire fan like after the concert, we go hang out with Matt's other cousins guy, the area and Ed fucking hardy like it's everything I look into this pretty much. I love to that like it's is it that hard to sink the sound up to the band So it looks like a really Christ It's hard. It sure is man. It is too fucking hard

You know what maybe even 2001 with 90s video technology that they probably were running with maybe that was a little hard We had there were five years behind on that too. Yeah, I love to because this is a, as you say, a raging favor of the machine. It's a concert slash talent show for anybody who wants to come up on stage and do anything. I know. Well, fans love that. Like if a band is playing a gig, they love, hey, is anybody else want to come up? I just wanted to do so it's my turn I go now slam poetry. Yes. Well, hell extreme poetry. He's God. Yeah. I didn't think they could ramp it up from cousin guy theory and at hearty. And then this asshole stops a band in the middle of a show and does slam poet like.

All right. He might as well tell me a story about people I don't know from his job like for 25 minutes on the state. I got so angry. Well, he's painting some modern art or something. Yeah, the crowd doesn't know who he is. Like, I just, I love it though because it really is. I truly believe this. It's a window into the entitlement of like Christian men in this kind.

Like, if black people were making a movie, it would not have the like the world revolves around these characters. Like these characters go to a place and everybody's like, well, stop the band we all came to see. Naturally, we want to hear this guy slam poetry about something we don't even fucking know about. God. God.

All right. Let's go watch him park badly now out front. That's gonna be great. He's gonna love this. What the fuck? I hated it so much. And then keep in mind that like as we're watching this, so there's this party and they like, he does this little extreme poem and he brings Jesse up

and she tells us how that last scene ended. She never gives us an indication why they just show it to us. But throughout all of this, like the extras who are at this party are very clearly sick and fucking tired of this and want to listen to the band. Right? Like, like everybody's chit and jassy, jassy when she comes up on stage, it's only the characters from the movies, the rest of the audiences, like just get off the fucking stage. I don't. They're like, should we call the police? Like, I've never, I've never like had to

deal with people who don't respond to public pressure. Like, you can't shame these. What do we do? I mean, they just stopped our concert. Like, well, do we fight them? I don't know. As insane. I was wrong with these people. You guys know you're awful. They don't know. You hear me, you see, you're, you're, you're looking at me while I'm saying this. You're terrible. You're still smiling and laughing like it's, this is a fun old time. What do we all want you to die right now?

Like we want to Is that a fucking tub of hummus? Did you lose hummus in? All right. So then, okay. Is that a fucking tub of hummus? Did you bring loose hummus in? All right, so then, okay, so that scene ends. We rock and roll our way back under the road with yet another montage. This is an, an intramontage montage here. So now they've, they basically run out of extreme sports. Don't worry, they'll find another one. So we have to have like a montage of not quite X games material where they're like jumping off a rocks into water and climbing rocks.

By the way, jumping into water, not unexcused to see Jesse and a swimsuit in this fucking movie. Oh yeah. That could have been like the one redeeming factor, but no, no, not in this goddamn movie. And I just wrote my notes as they're doing this montage. I'm like, this is a weird trip to a funeral. The movie's just a map screen at this point, like a video game map screen like Street Fighter 2 where you just They're gonna Vegas to fight Balrog now. No, you don't see it, but they do. Yeah. And then okay, so then this montage comes to a close in an Oregonian forest where they

have, God, fucking dammit, where they have to fight for a campsite with this little racist Kung Fu thing. Yeah, are you allowed to just do Wayne's World for your movie? Can you do that? I. Is that what you're like? Hey, I like that scene in Wayne's World where they do the dubbing and fight. I thought that was funny.

I'll just do that for my movie. I guess. Yeah. God. So I could just be like tomorrow, I could be like, hey, I like anchor man. Let's just all do anchor man in my movie. I'll just do this. I guess.

Well, so, okay, so here's what happened. Everyone involved in this movie really wanted to play Ninja, but nobody wanted everybody to know that they wanted to play ninja, but nobody wanted everybody to know that they wanted to play ninja, so they all pretended that it was ironic. And they played ninja. Very likely what happened. I was like, look, they're all just going like, T, this is kind of fun, but like, but like very clearly they all worked on these goddamn moves, right? They're pretty proud of their sweet fucking ninja skills. Well, I think they all looked at Rufio and I'm like, you can, you can do Kung Fu, right? Like, I mean, I know karate too. We all assumed you could, you could come through. Yeah, I'm the Asian guy. I got it. But like, do we all? Cool. No, you're, we just, we hired

you because I know it wasn't on your resume, but I, you know, the sad thing is that he can, actually, he's really fucking good He's like the one We are but like you shouldn't have just assumed yeah, okay, I'll do some cool. No, I can like I can like No, I almost don't want to even though I totally can't but like I have many things So yeah, so this goes on for every man. Like, so we watched this goddamn weird ass random ass comedic, gask fight scene for, I

don't know, six and a half years. We're all older, Eli's fucking kid can vote by the end of it. Well, or could if it weren't for Republicans, I'm sure. I have by the, I mean, the kids, he's one quarter Jewish at this point. I think it also there's one all the Jewish people district in New Jersey. All right, but yeah, but they lost their ninja encounter over the last available campsite. So they camped somewhere else. I mean, right? Because they did camp. Yeah, like they tried to make it like, oh, we had to camp next to the

port of potty's, but it's like, that's convenient. I don't know. Like I'm pretty sure campsites, you could find some plenty, whatever. Who cares? Yeah, also pretty sure people just shit in the woods in the campsites. Yeah. Yeah. And then they start talking about like this, they're going to get serious for a minute. They start talking about ghost stories and that reminds Koria how grandpa geez, you're told the best ghost stories. I'm just expecting the very smooth transition. You know who the rat is ghost ever was though? Who's that guy named Jesus? The Holy Ghost. No, but they're just like, you know who told the best ghost stories?

Somebody who's not here. I couldn't imagine how great that would about the story. You guys want to watch a YouTube video about other people telling ghost stories? We can do a montage. They'd be great. And then fucking Corey starts talking about how bummed he is that his stepdad's a prick. And I'm like, dude, it is too goddamn late in the movie

for this character, this minor character to end up with a shitty stepdad. Fuck you. You had your chance at a shitty stepdad. And then at one point, I don't know if it's Rufio, one of them's like, I don't know how am I supposed to feel? And I'm thinking like, yeah, no, really, tell me. Like, the script doesn't say like how am I supposed to feel? And I'm thinking like, yeah, no, really, tell me. Like, the script doesn't say like, how am I supposed to do?

I think I'm upset. Uh, yeah. And then this is where I think Rufio's like, you know, if anyone, anyone could offer me anything to, you know, about the fact that I'm missing Grandpa G. Anybody have anything at all? I think, shut up, firebender. And then, well, and then Jessica drives in and she says,

you know, when I was a kid, my dad left and I'm like, God damn it. No, you don't get a backstory too. But that's when, as she says, but you know what, that's when I became a Christian and everything was just fine. And I'm like, your damn right, it was. There it is.

56 minutes in, that's gotta be a fucking record. What did she, she had like a piece of paper that said God understands on it or something like there was like a post it note. Yeah, that solved all our problems. Yeah, and Rufio's like cool God understands well that could kill my grandpa is what I was talking about. My grandfather so fuck face. Yeah, it's like a hitman leaving his mark God takes out your grandpa and then's like God understands what just happened Fuck you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no they're like, oh yeah, I almost died or my mom, whatever. And then Jesus said they understand, or something, you know, there'll be something like that. And you're like, what, that works for you?

How does that, yeah, right? Even if that was true, it wouldn't help though, would it? Yeah, like I wish I had that where they're like, oh yeah, I just left it all in God's hands. You know, it turns out that memes you wear the Borough Goves. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. What? All right, well, out that memes you wear the borough goves. Oh, okay. Yeah. What all right. Well

Yeah, there you go jingly keys. All right. Well, tell you what things are getting pretty heated among the crew Fucking Corey was really hostile to that effort to make him feel better with Jesus So everybody needs a minute to calm down. I mean, we're gonna take a quick break But first let me give a act three the hard sell down. I mean, we're gonna take a quick break, but first let me give Axtree the hard sell. Can the narrator exhibit a personality trait before it's too late? Will the gang be able to find a plot in time? Can we just watch some skateboarding again? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be returned for the extreme conclusion of... extreme days. Hey Heath, where's Eli? Uh, yeah, how should I put this?

So are you familiar with the term dolce farniente? Oh, is that a legal term? No, it's Italian for the pleasure of doing nothing. Like the way it feels when you take off for paternity leave, but you still don't have a kid, so it's actually not paternity leave. Man, that sure is frustrating for the rest of us. Yeah, you're just not on vacation. You know, I have a great secret for coming down when I'm frustrated in times like this.

Some kind of deep breathing thing? Beer, actually. Okay, I feel better about this advice now. Yeah, and not just any beer, Noah, Italian beer. Peroni, in particular. Peroni was born in Italy in 1963 with the goal of creating a beer that would embody Italian values like quality, craftsmanship and style. And I love it alongside small bites like olives, nuts, brisketta, or even a plate of fine meats and cheeses.

Wow, that sounds great. Yeah, it is. Peroni blends the finest hops with two rows spring-planted barley and carefully imports it to the US. Carefully? Yep. It's in the copy they said carefully, no idea. But I do know it has a refreshing taste and it's the ideal beer when you want to relax. For Peroni at your next happy hour or find it in cans and bottles at your local grocery store and follow them on Instagram at Peroni USA.

Peroni Italia, whatever you do, do it beautifully. For people over the age of 21 only, 2020 imported by Beera Peroni International, Washington DC. You know, Cory, when my father left me, I was burdened by the same sense of crushing loss that you feel about your grandpa now. And there was one very important piece of advice that helped me through.

Would you like me to share it with you? Wow. Yeah, Jesse, that would be very helpful. Please do. Okay, here it is. It's what got me through the darkest times of my childhood. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Oh, oh oh you're done

Yeah, did that did that help did that fix it? I'm gonna be honest not really no No, no, you just said Jesus four times and then I thought you had a follow-up, but that was it That was the end of your thing. No, that's it. Yeah, that's not advice. That's that's just the key figure in your religion You just set it. Right. I mean, that's that's fine and all like I'm glad religion helped you through your trauma, but that doesn't make Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus advice. That's again, you're just saying it. I mean, you rephrase it for you. Okay. When I was saddened by the loss of my father, I just remembered that my religion was better than all other religions and way better than

no religion at all. Okay. Quick thing. Would you call that advice or more bigotry? Is there a difference? Sure is. Yeah. Agreed to disagree. No. And we're back for still more of this shit. It's the next day. They're back on the road and damn it. If they didn't happen upon a PM X montage along the way that day. So weird. Be another montage. I just been thinking this movie doesn't have enough stunt montages of people who aren't the actual characters under completely generic B side bullshit 90s punk rock. I was just thinking that when you know it, what's amazing to me about this one is that they've like given up the pretense at all that these are the characters in the movie, right? Or that

this is some weird thing that like is coincidental. Everything else like, yeah, they were going by a mountain. So they snowboarded. they were by an ocean, so they surf. But now it's just like, yeah, another was just like an X Games qualifying event going on apparently here. Yeah, so yeah, we went to a really wide margin convention in New Zealand all of it. It was good 19 minutes.

They also threw in some footage of people totally eating shit into this one. Oh, yeah. It's also like grainy or so like they found a different VHS tape for that. That was really. Yeah, because we're already we've already moved away from the type of cameras they've been using up to this point to this event. And then yeah, we go to like somebody's fucking 1998 flip-bone camera or something for this wipeout footage. I had to like turn off Vimeo and like fire up a beta max to watch the party.

That's the thing. A dirty kid pushed a projector in, it was crazy. They had to have like a descrambler, whatever they could. I just imagine that someone on the crew was like, well, I have these like snuff films that are, I mean, I, uh, yeah, no, just they have their like VHS collection of people like dying on the fucking skateboard and stuff that they put in. Jesus. All of a sudden the Zapruder film is on.

Oh, that's amazing. Back into the left. That doesn't make sense. All right. So, yes, so late that night after the BMX montage, the tribe went along and Chess back into the left. That doesn't make sense. All right. So yes, a late that night after the BMX montage, they're driving along and Chessie gets a bone call Brian in the front seat. He's flirting some more. She's only told him no 37 times now 38 times the charm. They're driving like you do I too often drive with a giant flood light at my feet I too often drive with a giant flood light at my feet, which everyone in the car is they're trying to sleep.

That's how I drive. It's so bad. And they clearly tried to improvise this moment. Like the guy played Brian was like, I actually do a British accent. It's pretty great. Yeah. I'll just, I'll vamp this whole thing and it'll be awesome. But after like eight seconds of him trying to do that, both actors

clearly panicked because they ran out of talking. They tap out. They literally tap out. The movie had to cut the audio and put music over it after eight seconds of trying to going, ha, yeah, yes, yes, yes, yeah. The characters are like, where we're bonding, bonding. They're just literally starts saying what they're doing. Yeah, right. Right. No, exactly. If you can read lips, it's just bonding, bonding, bonding, bonding, the entire time. I love to that this fucking Barbie car that they've been driving this whole time does not have a top to it. No. So in reality, every single scene of them driving and talking would be What?

That would be everything Traveling my eye grab a man What there's a bug in my fuck out what Oh, we're going 80 I said a bug What? I Yes, hospital I

British What we're bonding You and I are bond James bond British is that what is are we yes and British? We love you maybe are we to that we're bonding I love spending time with you. Yeah, no Jesus fucking Christ We get that scene and then okay, so then I guess they all slept in the fucking car we get the next morning's this, they have the early morning paintball attack montage.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. This was just another one of those things where somebody was like, I know karate, I know karate. They were like, you know what, I have pretty sweet paintball skills. Need to. Holy shit. Okay.

Okay. We're going to do that. But I like, at first I thought, because they're all sleeping and then he go, you know, the main schmack goes, Jesse come here and I was like, oh, they like oh they're gonna go fuck you know and then like they wake up Billy Joe Armstrong who you forget is in this movie at this point. I had to look up the character's name at this point because I had to write it in the notes. But I love it because it's like who in fact why did you wake him? I want to go fight. Oh, what do you what are you gonna do? Three way? No, okay, all right. No, we're just gonna do a paintball prank. Oh, we had different

things in my head. Yeah. And so they start firing fucking paintballs at each other. And we have this enormously long goddamn scene. And again, it's, it's, we have to watch Brian and Jesse Bond, right? But now they're bonding over their mutual paintball. Yeah, fun. Which, and you know, so the other two idiots hide in the car and then they just shoot the car a bunch, like, wouldn't you just wait to? You would think, yeah. This whole thing, it's so sad because it's just clearly like the dream scenario of meeting a woman for whatever piece of shit person wrote this. Like, I harass her and do a road trip with my friends and she hangs out.

No, I do my amazing British improv beats me with a spoon. I finally charm her with my heroic paintball dive rolls things. He's such a piece of shit. I hate it. So, yeah, I do. Yeah, no, this is fucking in cell love story, absolutely. And then during this battle, the fucking a stoner jumps up and goes, Wolverine. Is that a shitty thing to say?

I don't think you. Does that mean? I don't think that means what he thinks it means. Wolverine. I want to see the X-Men play paintball now, but that's unrelated pretty pretty good. It doesn't really work. And also I feel like probably the saddest moment in this entire movie is to me is when Brian, the the ladies band character, turns to Jesse and he says, here, take these any hands

you're a box of candy and it's Mike and Ike's, which is the most disgusting goddamn candy that can even theoretically exist. No. It's insult dangerously certainly. It's pretty fucking disgusting. Yeah, we all agree with Mike and Iks are stupid. They're not good. It's also, it's the movie theater giant box of Mike and Iks.

Why does he have to? This guy went to the movies and was like spent $23. You know what, I'm gonna spend $23 on an extra like Carry Mike and I used to go yeah, right. Yeah But don't obey that'll come back later. It'll be important So okay, so now they arrive in Portland and We get the scene so did this is long and in the making here, but we get the scene where Brian and Jesse are at the pool at the hotel fully fucking dressed, no bathing suits or anything,

and they're flirting some more, right? Yeah. And she turns to him and she says, you must have had a lot of girlfriends and he goes, no, not really. I mean, the non gay amount of girlfriends, that's the heterosexual, normal low, but heterosexual. Yeah, you have to find that real Christian sweet spot of like, I need to communicate that I'm into girls, but I can't also can't say like, oh, yeah, oh, date plenty. Yeah, right.

Right. Right. It really tries to thread that needle. Oh, uh, uh, never found the medium one. Yeah. What's the medium amount you say? I've certainly courted a few female people. And then at a certain point, it's not going well. So he switches to nagging.

And he does the whole nagging thing. Oh, it doesn't. And then, yeah. And then she like rejects him. And then he just fucking throws a tantrum. Oh, yeah, right. Right. So they kiss for a secondrum. Oh yeah, right, right. So they kiss for a second and then she's like,

you know what, I really shouldn't get into a relationship right now and then he screams and shouts and he goes, you know what, your problem is I'm toxicly masculine and he throws shit. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, wait a go on the character. You tried to do it, set him up with the charity

and the, you know, or whatever, like the giving up the food. But then she's like, maybe I don't wanna do this now. You think you're better than me? I don't do. You know, Tecro. And she's like, I don't know what's happening in this movie or reality. I could totally non-sexual kiss any girl

in this hotel right now. Right now, you're fucking, and then you wake up the next morning, the camera, you know, goes the next morning and all the fucking pool side furniture is in the pool. Like he's that big of a fucking baby. This is your main character. God, it's unbelievable. That could have been the only good scene in the movie watching him scream cry.

But they don't show us that as whole. Well, it was funny is going into this scene. I'm looking at this actor and I'm thinking because he looks to me like a like a young Greg Keneer, right? And I'm like, this is a good looking kiddies. There's something likable about it. Why did he never go anywhere in the acting world?

And by the end of this scene, we sure have our fucking answer, don't we? This was so hard to watch. Yeah. I got one for you. Young Greg Keneer combined with Joe Buck. Okay. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. We got the Joe Buck hairline that, you know, every 19 year old kid definitely. Yeah. Sure. 19 got the Ron Swanson going. So yes, so now it's the next morning and it's time for Brian to apologize for all the furniture throwing last night, right? And he goes, he's going to apologize to Jesse, but if you showed up and apologize to his acting coach, I would

have been so much happier. But she's left a note. She dipped the fuck out because he turned out to be violently insane. Yeah, valid, valid. Yeah, that note should have said seek help. I knew you, you, you genuinely scared me last night. Like I tried to say no and you threw an entire patio's worth of food to a pool at a hotel. Like this, what part of this is okay to you? How could you possibly think there's any chance that I'm going to be it?

Like that's what the note should have said. I believe I even have to write any of this note. And it's that it's you. It's literally all of you. Your whole group of friends. You're terrible terrible. You know, like the actual actress was writing that like I, this is not okay. Like what are we doing here? They just ignored it. Just drive around going to montage. It's so fucking boring. Well, and then, but so of course, because it was some goddamn dude that wrote this fucking movie, she heard notice all filled with apologies for being such a damn lady about everything and having such a lady brain, right? It's like, I owe you so much more than this.

You did harass me for consistently for days on end. So I do owe you sex, but, right? I'm waiting for marriage, so. Yeah, exactly, but it ends with she's like, but I'm waiting for marriage Christian movie. And then speaking of Christian fucking movie, they can't have him drink an alcohol, right? They can't have him just sitting at the bar, having a beer in the middle of the day. So the substitute for that for the rest of the film is going to be binge eating powder donuts messily. Right.

The beer is way more healthy for you. You're right. You're saying like, you're gonna be drinking better than that. At least that's why I tell myself. So yeah, so now, so Will comes in and he's like, hey, Brian, you know what, some madder man, you're gonna get over this shit.

We still have like, we got 18 minutes to wrap up this fucking movie. And he's like, you know what? Dead Lucchemia sister man dead Lucchemia sister. Yeah, you remember when God killed my sister. I want a fuck Jesse And his body was like dude, hey, you know mine. Can you just separate those two things? Even just buy a couple of seconds in your speech would be fucking great. Yeah. Well, and he has to give the obligatory like, oh, I need to, uh, this guy's got a lot going on here. I know I'll try. Hey, uh, you're all right. You get broke. Okay. Ready to go. God. So

we're emotionally fucking also, don't do doesn't will say to him here, he's like, hey, you don't think God was sad about that, you know, killing the sister with leukemia. Like, just God weeping as he injects this little girl with blood cancer being like, I'm in a choice. My hands are tight. It hurts me more than it hurts you. Yep. Yeah. So I, I, God had to invent a thing called childhood blood cancer and give it to this child. I feel awful about it. It's just logic. It's not all about you. I had to do that.

Oh, fucks it. And then there's this weird moment where the movie tries to do meta, right? And, and look, like, you can do meta. I'm fine with that. We do it all the fucking time But you can't just suddenly do meta now. Oh Wait, when Matt had a stroke. Yeah, so Matt comes in. He's like, hey man I we need to get going and wheels like dude just chill out Why don't you just take over my voice over for a minute?

Cuz will spend the one narrating the entire time. And then Matt doesn't know what to do with the voiceover. I don't even, yeah, I just chose to pretend none of that happened, honestly. That's probably a good idea. You know what, that's fucking company policy. None of that happened. So.

And so then we get this great moment. They gotta get back on the road. This is so fucking stupid. This is the actual line. He goes, you know a famous person once said Life said trip I can't name that famous person, but they're fucking famous. I'm quite certain Pretty sure famous and non-famous people have probably said that so sure Yeah, and then immediately after that, it was like,

this trip had become about our lives. Life's trip, trips about our, like reality is metaphor. For reality. Is this where we're to believe that they are driving a car with no top in pouring rain? Yep. Like they're just, that's just, and then they like take down the windshield.

They're like, oh, can't see through the windshield. Let's like knock it down. None of the fucking God, none of that works. You can't do that. It does, there's no way. Well, yeah, so, cause you can't do that. Yeah, this is supposed to represent that like, oh, the trip was getting rough at this point.

It's like, yeah, I've been at rain to before that you guys are going to Seattle. But now they finally made it, right? Yeah. Hey, guys, let's all hop in our car that has no top and go to Seattle. Yeah. There'll be any weather concerns there. I'm sure it'll be bright, sunny, driving, just to be honest.

I mean, we, you know, might hit an August snow storm here and there, but other than that, Jesus fucking Christ. But they finally made it. Jesus, God damn Christ. But they finally made it. Jesus God damn Christ. They finally fucking made it. They gathered together around grandpa, geez, grave. Yeah. Right.

And I'm writing in my notes like, I bet at least four or five minutes at the runtime left is credits, at least, right? Credits, so. And I love that like, grandma G. Yeah. Grandma G is there and she's like super okay with the grandfather having died. I love it. She's like, oh yeah, no, this is time.

I don't even miss him. Really? I'm glad he's dead. I'm finally living life. It's really his life was a burden to me. And she was okay with it. Pre-operate losses. Like honestly, if you concluded that grandma G killed grandpa G G this scene makes a ton more sense. Yeah

Absolutely certain Next to somebody it's just Why would anybody want to do that like now I spread out I use the whole fucking bed I roll over when I want to I don't smell the other person. It's the best Well when they rush it's like oh, what are you guys doing here? Why are you so sad? Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Grandpa died. Yeah. I remember my husband died. My husband died. Oh, 50 years. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah, I just forget. Steve. Yes. Steve. Right. That was his name. Yeah. No, okay. But this is where we learned that dammit. Grandpa G wasn't

as rich as Corey thought. He wasted the family fortune before he died. Investing in snake meat. Because he's the only goddamn ethnic person in the fucking guys. Come on. God don't do that. It's just so stupid on every level. I can't. I don't.

I can't handle it. Again, can I do pretend this didn't happen, but with the whole movie? Oh, that's interesting. We need to do, we need to work on the flashy technology from men and black. That would be very helpful for us yet. Yes, we're to believe that a wealthy well off guy invested his whole money, everything into snake meat. And then they do a little joke at the end of the commercial. They're watching for no reason. That's like FDA approval pending or something like,

oh yeah, definitely, definitely he would blow all his money on a thing like that. God, I hate it. I hate it. I hate this movie. Yeah, right. No, there are rappers at humor are so. He like, how do I have a fucking kid?

Right. Mother fucker, he did it just to piss you off. Just a fuck question. You know we have kids. there are there are efforts are at humor are so you like how to have a fucking kid right? Mother fucker, he didn't just to piss you off just to fuck with you. You know we have kids. So God. All right, so now, so and the other fucked up thing is that they sit around. Now luckily grandma G is completely over this because if not she would probably take offense at the fact that Corey then sits around in her living room, loudly complaining that he's not profiting as much off his grandpa's demise as he was hoping to.

Poor people dying is stupid. It doesn't even. He might as well have not even died. God. God. And the whole like twist here is that they were supposed to get a bunch of money from the inheritance when they showed up and it's all gone. Yeah. Because of something. The snake and meat. Oh, it was the snake meat was a failed investment. Yeah. That's the actual point. Yeah.

They're saying he invested his, not only that, he put up his house for the snake meat thing because like they don't even have the house anymore. Yeah. She says the bank owns the house, but she's still living there. They have no idea how anything works. I was going to say like that means you bought a hot, that's how it works. I'm going to buy a house. Here's what I do. I take out a mortgage and once I've paid it all off in 30 years, I can move into the house. That's not how fucking works, you idiots. Oh, the bank owns the house. Yeah. You either are evicted or you're paying a mortgage to pay.

Anyway, yeah, the point is they don't have any money like the plan was, all right, now we're going to have a whole bunch of money to do our trip to more back to Mexico. There's still some hot sauce needs drinking. Right. Exactly. We still, Corey's turned god damn it. He never went. This is all long con to just get out of the hot. He's like, grandma, can you kill grandpa? I don't want to jump this. I was playing on. Anyway, can which is pull out my pre scripted plans for murdering my husband hold on. Let's see. But then we'll have an idea.

Him and Matt are looking through the newspaper trying to figure out what they're going to do right because they don't have enough money to get home. Yeah. And this is where he sees that there's some people who are selling some cheap tickets to Alaska, which isn't where they live, but that's still pretty good. Yeah, the idea is that if they can fly to Alaska, then they'll be in Alaska. And for gold, yeah.

What the fuck's happening here? Yeah, I've no idea. They're like, all right, well, we've got 15 minutes left in our arc lives. Uh, gold rush. Plants, yes. Right. It's 2001. There's a gold rush. Alaska is definitely a place you want to fly to when you have no money and no place to live and no housing. Like yeah. Oh, we'll figure it out. We'll just go in Alaska and just the governor is just paying you like $30,000 to go there. Yeah. She read all the books.

Yeah. Well, no, no, you'll probably just find a bus. You can live in somewhere along the way. You'll be fine. You can eat berries. So yeah, they decided they're going to go to Alaska, but they need to raise some money. So grab a G, left Corey, this junker of a car. So they have to sell the car.

And of course, they're going to do that with a fucking montage. Yeah. The best way to sell a car is to try to stop people who are driving by in their cars, their fully functional cars. Yeah. Montage may so little fucking sense so they were, their plan was to walk outside in the yard and sell that car that afternoon. The, the lemonade stand model cars. Yeah, exactly. Violent lemonade stand model. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But just as they're about to give up on their goal of selling a car that doesn't run for cash that afternoon from the yard, Will comes out to explain that he just sold the car

on the internet. Whoa, the internet. Yeah, he says junkyards.com. So actually went there just for fun to check if it was and the website actually is still in 2001. Like if you go to junk.com, this looks like I built this website in 10th grade. So like I appreciate their dedication to, I don't know, they made the sign in 2001 forever. Oh, but yeah, so they, but they sold the car. They made $1500. Now they can go to Alaska, but just I guess the plot. Yeah, step three profit.

I love to, like, they're all happy that they sold the car and Grammagee who lost the husband days ago is like hooray you sold the inheritance for like a one-time trip to Alaska Distitute she's deputy. Yeah, we've already decided that she has no money in the houses and hers and yep for all We know she's about to be evicted. I guess if that's what they're going. Yeah, but they're like hey We sold the your car and we're blowing the money on nothing. So technically your house, we sold your house, the only house you have. And it's our money also now. Yeah, right.

Like take all her food. Just like just raid the entire fridge and the camera. Bye, grandma. Take care. All right. So they're heading grandma. Take care. All right. So they're heading to the airport to go to Alaska. You've been out her fillings from her TV. Yes, it's correct.

She wakes up in an ice bath. Okay. That's very funny. Yeah. This will pay for a sweet Alaska trip. All right. So they're heading to the airport. They're going to go to Alaska, but they need to make one stop along the way. They have to slow motion walk into that college where Jesse

went and bother her in the middle of her job. It's madness. He walks into her meeting. She's like, yeah, doing freshman orientation for 100 freshmen in this room. And he's like, hey, I came to get you. And she's like, what? To take you to Alaska. He's like, come to Alaska now. She's like,

I would I go to Alaska? No, I'm a student at this college, you're dumb. No, it's in Alaska. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You know what, it doesn't matter. I don't know why I even. You're dumb. No, it's in Alaska. Yeah. Me. Doesn't matter. You know what? Doesn't matter. I don't know why I even started dwelling on Alaska.

No, it's just a no. Yeah. And he says, but I like the way you don't want to have sex with me until we're married. And she's like, just leave. And Matt says, Hey, uh, okay, we're going to leave. But I'm going to hand you this ticket anyway because otherwise it doesn't, how would you get through? Yeah. Airport security later?

But I love the main Joe Box pitch for like why they should be together. It's like, oh, you beat me with spoons. You knock me on my butt. I'm like, do you need an abusive part? Like is that what you need in relationship? You hit me with a two by four. You stapled my balls to the floor that one time. I can't quit you.

I didn't, you just, you punched me in the face like what the fuck? That's your idea of a, you know, you watch me chip myself trying to fart a flame thrower thing. You try to kill me for sure. It's money. You try it like what? So, well, yeah, so she says no. So we, we cut to the airport. Brian sadly waits at the airport with a single carnation, hoping that she'll show up, but she doesn't. Yeah, where do you find one flower that shitty? Like, where did he buy that? He has the shittiest crowd. Oh, he didn't buy that flower, sir. Flower. Yeah, I was, I was growing in the smoking section outside. He just ran around a gas station with a shopping cart grabbing one flower. I'm telling you

that's worse than not a flower. There's some gifts. It's like, it would be better to not give a gift than to give. Right. Like 38 bucks is worse than just nothing. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, but she didn't show up. So he sets down his sad-ass little flower. He gets on the plane all super sad. And the Jesus, this makes no fucking sense. Earlier in the movie, he had given her some miconikes during the goddamn paintball gun fight thing. So now the flight attendant comes and she's like, hey, sir, I think you dropped these miconikes. Oh, God. And the movie is just like, huh, it's a callback and we're like, no, it really isn't. It's not technically a callback.

It's just a thing. So we're to believe that she had time to finish her freshman orientation. Tell her boss like, Hey, I know I have a job at the school, but I'm just gonna not do that. I'm also still, but still give me room and board or whatever this arrangement is for this job. And now I'm gonna beat them to the airport, find the plane, sit in a different part than what our ticket probably is

because it's four tickets together. That doesn't make sense. I'm gonna sit in a different seat in the back. I'm gonna tip a stewardess to then do a mic and I think I'm gonna stop it and buy the big thing a mic and I can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. It makes perfect sense. Yep. It's all fits all for the reveal and then in the they basically, they violate all of the rules of being on an airplane one after the other. They seriously, they might as well start helping someone else with their mask before putting on their own, right? Cause, cause like, she calls him on the phone and you're like, that should really be in style and airplane mode, right?

They're talking on the phone, they get up out of their seats and it's like, everybody sit around and we can't taxi until you assholes sit down. They sit in the wrong fucking place and just it's amazing. They're like, they sit in the fucking emergency exit row, although even though they're not willing to help. The world revolves around these people. Yeah. Everyone is just there to serve them. Like the whole plane's probably like, yay, like we weren't actually having lives. We're just glad you guys have lives. Yeah, no, we were all standing around hoping you would hit each other in the head with spoons or something because we're so star for entertainment.

Yeah. There's an Asian doctor getting dragged off. It's like, I'm gonna fucking drag them off. This I will help. This is ridiculous. Assholes. Mike and Iks, really? Ah, Jesus Christ. And then, okay. And then of course she sings, right? Cause she sings in public and that's scary. And now he wins the bet with her. I know this is a minor thing,

but like both times they sing. If someone was like, Hey, for bet purposes, you're gonna have to sing something. I think I know where you're going. What would you sing? You know, like, I, you can flood in prison.

I'm a farmer in the Dell. I fall down, the farmer in the Dell is what they sing, both times. Yes. God. That's my go-to karaoke. I go hard on farmer in the Dell. It's either that or don't stop believing but I

usually go farming the day. Every karaoke always has farmer in the town. It's like a little dinky like two notes like the backing track. I do it. I usually do it as a duet as a round. Yeah. I'm the same section with three blind minds karaoke song yeah, no, it was What he used to eat like anything that um Was public domain really yeah exactly but even put among public domain you could have found something better than the farmer in the So fucking weird. All right.

So yeah. And then the narrator goes, you know, cause now they're in Alaska together. They're going to snowboard a bit. We're going to get a little montage of that before it's all over. And the you bet your ass. We have time for one last. It's all been building to this, guys. We're at an hour 27.

We fucking got this. We have two more. Two and a half. Two and a half. That's all that rounds. We can re-edit that scene so that she actually did do this snowboardy thing and then punch it. Fuck you.

You win. So, yeah. And then the narrator comes on. I shit you not the narrator actually says in his summary of the film, he says, some random things happened to us. Like, yep, that just summed up the fucking plot. Well done, man. Setting up the sequel. Wow, what happened to them?

The sequel is the auto play on YouTube. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Fucking watch. And then the narrator ends with when God throws a curveball, don't duck. What? Don't, so, so, so many reasons, this is hilarious. What?

What, the attempt at the baseball knowledge here is just so rough. Don't, so, dock. But, like, the, you, like, don't duck, you might get killed by So rough But like you like don't doc you might get killed by leukemia, but maybe not what I don't know pitch do you Don't duck so it's like God's throwing some high heat But the metaphor is that you're not you're supposed to just take it right in the fucking right So you got a helmet on for a reason get that wall, which I imagine that God can put some some MPH on that like I imagine God is throwing a pretty hard curve

No, that 12-6 drop on God's curve ball really Don't duck Shouldn't it like, don't not swing. I think we got those a curve ball. Don't take the pitch, maybe or what? Keep your shoulder in there. Don't open your hips too early. What the fuck? Yeah. So, Doug, maybe the first half of the analogy is to prop and know how baseball works. How does baseball work according to these people? I just love the idea of this cowardly ass guy. I wrote the movie ducking away. Yeah.

In their mind, fastballs, you just get hit by them, but curveballs, you're allowed to dock when God throws a fastball, you just get hit by them, but curveballs, you're allowed to dock. When God throws a fastball, you just get hit in the dick. Yeah. Don't duck because then your face is in front. I don't know. So good. Explain baseball to you. Yeah.

I'll explain the game of baseball. When God throws a curve ball, charge the fucking mound, man. That's my. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what, show us a baseball montage. Come on guys, charged the fucking mound, man. That's my, that's my, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you what, show us a baseball montage. Come on guys, we have earned a baseball montage.

I'm sorry. Yeah. So in conclusion, is there anything at all about the early 2000s we miss collectively? Hmm. What was that other thing that happened in September that Thomas was talking about? Yeah, I forgot. Those were the days.

I really missed not having seen this movie. Oh, that was nice. Good one. Good one. I met a 30, however many years old I am of not having a movie until this very yesterday I watched it. 30, however many. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm in my 30s. I have to do the math now. You know, precisely what year in your 30s you are in your 30s. I promise to the same age. That is. Yeah. All right. Well, that's going to do it for a review of extreme days. That is not going to do it for the episode just yet though, because we still need to not stop doing this. So he's tell us what's on deck. The avenging angel Noah. That's right. He, you sound

perfectly normal in this transition will be super smooth. Yeah. That's right. He yourself perfectly normal in this transition will be super smooth. Yeah, that one's coming up and with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 249 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help out a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and only a rare social media platforms. If you enjoyed this,

you should be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating idea, citation data, D&D minus and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions or comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email gotoffamoviesademo.com, link and services with this podcast provided by the law offices, a P. Andrew Taurus Timber, Office of Tixqar, our social media, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slant, Niggah People, Treps on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, who was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of life this week for Heathen right in the live hosting.

I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. One week later, the entire crew realized they're stuck in Alaska with no money. Yeah, the end. The crew eventually learned what drugs were and never had to chug hot sauce again. I've held my tongue for whatever 10-12 episodes I've done, but Noah still doesn't just pre-record that ending message and use it at the end of every episode. Morgan fucks with me if I try to do that.

Every time. I know. Morgan fucks with. I don't understand it. I don't know why, because it makes his job hard. I hold my tongue no longer every time. I know Morgan fucks with I don't understand I don't know why because it makes his job hard I hold my tongue no longer every time I know I don't want to do it either Madness oh god it will get to it will get to it because if they do it wrong, too, interstitial, too, the movie parts wrong. I mean, How do you? All right, we'll get there interstitial, too. If ever a movie, shout itself trying to fall

Literally, we watched a movie shit itself trying to we much extreme sharp. Yeah. Day. It's a holiday. Extreme sharp day. But preceding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.