God Awful Movies - 250: The Avenging Angel

Episode Date: June 2, 2020

On this week's episode, Bryce Blankenagel of the Naked Mormonism podcast joins us to kick off Mormon Movie Month with a film about... a bunch of stuff we had to bring Bryce on to explain to us. --- You can hear more from Bryce here: https://nakedmormonismpodcast.com/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Yeah Miranda is there for this second, but that doesn't matter at any point after this no she just disappears She goes all the way off the script from this moment on. Yes. Yep. Oh, I want to recut crazy billionaire remake Miranda's just standing there the entire scene being like hello billionaire remake Miranda's just standing there the entire scene being like hello The profit stop you know what's gonna. I'm here. Yeah, okay. I talked to my dad. All right. It's fine God awful movie movies OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE able to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? We'll all tell you a partner by the Nephaz and the Lehigh as of the Leahona. I'm just confused. All right. Well, let's, so Eli, tell us very quickly. What month is it? It's January. You know, if you want to take a month off in our business, you start prepping six months.

At least at least on the plus side, the Kobe Bryant jokes that you're going to hear on this episode way more tasteful when people hear it. Okay. Maybe everybody needs any of those. Yeah. How was the Pence presidency going everybody? Everything good. Oh, come on. Come on. We can we can be we can be we can be we can be

up. We can say the Pelosi presidency. That joke works too, man. We don't have to say that. Yeah. No. Okay. So in our world, it's January, but in your world, listener, it is Mormon movie month. And that voice you just hear is here to inaugurate Mormon movie month with us this week We're pleased to welcome back the host of the naked Mormonism podcast and kind of our resident expert on all things Mormon and the only reason this movie makes any goddamn sense at all to me Price blank and I go price welcome back sir Thank you so much for having me, guys. And I have to say, I am so happy about this movie because it was a come, the lessons of

so many of my favorite characters of Mormon history and some great actors for them. And it wasn't like produced by the church or any of the bullshit from the previous movies that we've done. So I'm stoked about this movie. I'm genuinely happy. No, it had it had good actors and fucking in it. Yeah, it was not the normal Mormon movie month fair. So I'll tell you what, let's break the suspense right there. Tell us price. What will we be breaking down today? We watched the avenging angel. the avenging angel. It's the story of a wayward Danite trying to uncover a conspiracy to murder Brigham Young. Now, listeners, you may think that a movie about a persecuted people being driven from their promised land by a prophet Charlton Heston would be a great movie because those are literally the constituent

pieces to one of the greatest movies of all time, right? They are. It's clear the makers of this movie thought the same thing. It had all the ingredients, but it was like way overcooked. So that is Charlton Heston has lost its saver and his legacy is trodden underfoot. Amazing. No, this is the Mormons kind of looking at the 10 Commandments and going, we want one of them.

That's awesome. And it comes back spectacularly at the beginning of the movie. Yes. All right. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love hearing about other people's work drama, but they use too many real words that you recognize. You will love this movie.

You knew what you were getting when you invited me. Yeah, right, right. No, but to give you an idea. So so Bryce gave a 12 word summary of this movie, right, right. No, but to give you an idea. So so Bryce gave a 12 word summary of this movie, right? A wayward Danite trying to uncover our conspiracy to murder Brigham Young. So already in 12 words What the fuck is talk is he talking about? This entire goddamn movie is like what the who the fuck are you though? Are you like did mormage have ninjas?

What the fuck is even going on? And added to this enjoyment of me and Noah's complete mystification throughout this movie is Bryce getting absolutely everything like it's inside jokes down at the bar. Are you telling me that Jeff checker? I'll tell you I haven't seen him in a dog's ear marshmallow square me nor just like are the guns facing the same direction they dress not one but two of their identical white women in drag and expect us to tell the difference hey that's Cuffson Collars, all right?

That's not a drag. And that's amazing because I watched this movie and I was like, I'm just looking at a whole elephant. And then I'm going through the notes as you got your pudding coming in and they're like, this feels like a rope. No, this is true. Yeah, it's true. Right.

No, this yeah The elephant it's glorious Except in the metaphor you're the elephant All right, so then this is gonna get personal So you really you really really You can't want to show with Eli Bosnick. Okay all right let's be honest about what's going on here so I will I will say this though is much as I didn't know what the fuck was going on this was possibly the least like unpleasant movie to watch that we've ever reviewed for this shot that says a lot strong agree based on the amount of women

who gently stroke Tom barringer's chest alone. There's a lot of it. A lot of him shirtless. Hmm. It's good. Yeah. It's good stuff. All right.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I had best worst villain chair spin mo. Now we're going to get into it, but this movie, it has so many like 80s and 90s villain and buddy cop tropes. And it has the villain, chair spin trope that is universally lampooned. And when it hits in this movie, it is picture goddamn perfect. It is the last non ironic villain, chair spin, right? Yes. Like right before the point that all of cinema said, we're done with this, right?

Yeah, right, right, right, 1995, I believe this was. All right, so I was going to go with best worst guest notes. No offense, price. I'm sure there's some really good stuff in here. You already say I already warned you was going to get personal. No, no, I love it. It's again, because all of me and Eli's notes are like, fucking what? And then Bryce has a shit you not. He has copied maps into the mirror here and it's got maps that are not copies of original sources and shit. Yeah, exactly. It's all

this crazy shit. I'll have like three sentences on this scene and Eli will have three sentences and price will have 27 paragraphs of shit because every single thing makes sense to him. And we're just like, I don't know. I don't think that guy likes that guy much. It's all in MLA for Macwell. Of course we have the left of the sky. He's the man of God, the son of thunder. Okay, you're the only non homeless person who's ever yelled at me, right? See, I was going to go with best worst kept secret. We'll get to it, but there is a secret established at the beginning of this movie that we will never meet a character who doesn't All right, well, I'll tell you what we have a 112 named characters plus a lot of historical nuance to catch up on this flick

so we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the yes but who the hell is this for that is the avenging angel like seriously other than price who the fuck wants to watch this movie right i think it was great. This is a great movie. Oh god damn it. Longtail marketing. Alright guys, welcome to the first ever Riders Room meeting of the Avenging Angels. Now just a reminder, even though this movie is about Mormon history, we want to make sure it's accessible for the general public. Yeah, accessible, sure.

Just a good old-fashioned cowboy film. That's the spirit. Okay, so let's hear it. Okay, well, here we go. You know the Danites, right? The Underground Assassin's Control by Brigham Young, of course. Everybody knows them. Okay, so what if this movie is about a rogue Danite's attempt to overcome the

Rigby coup? A historical event that everyone can get behind. I mean, who hasn't heard that story? I mean, he can run into all kinds of historical figures like Eliza Rigby, Alphius Young, and even Porter Rockwell. My kids love Porter Rockwell. So relatable and relevant. And then, and then wait for it, the big twist at the end, he can shoot Jeff Jones while Porter the Nephite uses his magic to distract the guards. Oh, that old chestnut. Love it, love it.

Blabber, blabber, magic. Woo, that old chestnut. Love it. Love it. Bliver bliver magic. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Uh, Steve, I think I think that last thing you said was nonsense and not, not Mormon history. Are you sure about that? I am not. I am not. You know what, I'll write down whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Just in case. Please. We could listen to a Mormon history podcast. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open things up by selling the Mormons just minding our own business persecution narrative super quick. Right? All Mormon movie month. how I've missed you. We might call this a one note recurring theme. Yeah. Yeah.

So like literally the opening scene of this movie is the Mormons just trying to hang out there a wash and then suddenly a bunch of Christians on horseback show up and murder a mom and a child there. Yeah. Hey, strong choice to start the movie shooting at Kicking the Face. Let's just say. That was great. And I was amazed by this because the narrator kicks in who we'll find out is the protagonist

of the story, great protagonist. He says they called him Wolf Hunts in Ohio, Missouri, Illinois. And then it's like, the question is like, why does one hunt wolves? Like, like, people don't do wolf hunts because a rogue a wolf. Yeah, right. Right. A wolf, a wolf of Smith made a new roughogen, right? It's because the wolves are eating all of the health of the sheep and carrying off children. By the way, we don't have time to get into it, but you should absolutely Google

wolf hunts in Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois. It is the strangest, most emotional fight on a Wikipedia talk page. You will have a fire. You should, honestly, you should Google everything from every moment in this movie or you should just listen to the naked Mormonism podcast, one of the other. If you have to do community of small, but we are fired the fuck up, okay? So and I should say, okay, so basically here's the opening. It's a Mormon narrator going like, well, we became Mormons and then everybody fucked with us everywhere we went and it was miserable

and awful and we died indiscriminately from disease and persecution as though there was no God or if there was one he specifically didn't care for us. Mormonism, right? That's the whole thing. That's the whole that summarizes the whole religion from top to bottom. That's it. He also skates over Joseph Smith here at the beginning, which is great. He's like, anyways, then the assassinated Joseph Smith, please don't Google that, but we have a new leader who I cannot emphasize enough. You should not Google. Brigham, you know, and like, yes,

you should listen to Bryce's podcast, but let me give you the skivey. That would be like being like, then we add our new leader, Joseph Gerbos. He was good at newspapers and stuff. That's all you need to know. Don't worry about it. Well, yeah. Okay. So this is where we're going to meet.

This is, you know, one of the seven and a half minutes they paid for with Charlton Heston. Yeah. Oh, totally. They had them for a limited time. And they, of course, they knew that it's like his most, you know, one of his most well renowned roles ever as Moses. So like it introduces Charlton Heston with the line we pushed on under our new leader, the profit. And it's in a tent, wait for it. There's a long pause.

And as Charlton Heston comes in through the doors of the tent, Brigham Young. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They knew what they were doing here from Hebrew profit to Mormon profit. They brought out the big guns. Yeah. And this is probably a good time for us to acknowledge. Charlton Heston's fake beard. So I have a theory. He agreed to do this movie, but only if he could make his own beard. And then he probably said that everyone else had to make their

own fake beards too, or he wouldn't do it. And that would explain like 60% of the questions I have about this film. And they had to share it from like his own flock of sheep. Yeah. You know that optical illusion where it's either Einstein or Marilyn Monroe. It looks like someone tried to make one of those with Charlton Heston and an upside down Christopher Lloyd. Oh, Jesus, everybody's beard is amazing in this. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it was a wonderful time in America.

So, okay. So here's how we meet Triggum Young. There's a little kid whose dad's just died of the plague that God gives to his chosen people. And he says, you know, he's like, we need to find, bring him young says, well, we need to find you a new dad. And the kid says, well, aren't you the father of us all? That's what they say. And he's like, well, I do fuck most of the women here. Oh, no, God Jesus. God, or the never mind. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. Yeah. Well, that's an interesting point too, because he's like, no, God is the father of us. And like, functionally, especially on the high, or the Overland Trail, like,

Brigham Young was their God out here. So it's like, I'm taking a shine into you, kid. You're pretty smart. Let's find you a new daddy. Yeah. And wow, like, that's what they do. He just comes out and he's like, you, Dave, this is now your kid. Uh, oh, it's not Dave.

No, I tell me who it is. Yeah. Brace, you're the one that's been set me aside for a while. Okay. So this is the first shot we get of my favorite character in the movie, Wild Bill Hickman. And wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, I just want to stop for just a second. Why old Bill Hickman? You fucking Mormons just take other people's shit and get as close as you're legally allowed to get, you know, there's some fucking copyright thing that you guys looked up and says, no, it's every, every fifth syllable is different. You're allowed to, it's a totally different thing. You're allowed to use the same fucking stories. All right. So tell us about why you'll bill Hickman. Well, okay. So while

Bill Hickman and Porter Rockwell were like two main leaders of the Danites in Utah and early in the Navu era, the thing is Porter Rockwell was a notorious fuck up and Bill Hickman was a lot more cold-blooded. Bill Hickman basically had to come in and fix all of Porter Rockwell's fuck ups like with the Ackman murders. Porter Rockwell like tracked him for four days up a canyon and he tried to kill him, but then they got out, got away from him and they called in while Bill Hickman to track him for the rest of the days and murder them and bury them in a well. Like Bill Hickman was the hardcore version of Porto Rockwell, who was a fucking psychopath to begin with. And his role in this movie is fucking amazing. It's just amazing

because he goes on a monologue that's just brilliant. So now, while Bill Hickman, he's like a famous outlaw in my little pond. Yeah, more Minism and more Minism, they have their very own outlaws. Yeah, we should probably clarify because this movie does something very weird with the Danites, right? So the Danites and Bryce, correct me if I'm wrong, the Danites are basically

Brigham Young and Forest Psychopaths standing around going, you guys want to do an illuminati? Yeah, let's do a fucking illuminati, huh? They never actually manage an illuminati. This movie is the closest they get to an illuminati. It was just three guys who spoiler alert for this movie will kill a bunch of people they probably shouldn't have. And then bring them young will be like, I don't know those motherfuckers. I don't people they probably shouldn't have. And the Brigham Young will be like, I don't know, those motherfuckers. I don't. Okay, with respect to killing people, that is the only resemblance

they have to the Illuminati. Yeah, no, we'll get, we'll dig way into the daydates before this is all over. We kind of have to, but first we got to talk about this scene where Charlton Heston does his, of the promised land, Salt Lake City moments. This is where it begins. This is where my notes actually start. Okay. So this is a monumental moment in Mormon history. Like Brigham Young comes in and says, this is the place.

It's literally a monumental time of Mormon history. And it's also a fabrication because bloody. Brigham had sent scouts ahead to the great basin three days in advance who had taken some notes about the area and they designated it as a settlement place that they would land in July of 1847. And at this time, Brigham Young was deathly ill riding in the back of a wagon with his enema drainage tube hanging out the back of a wagon with his Enema drainage tube hanging out the back of it as they descended into the basin.

Oh, I want that. She was traveling. Let's see him have some fucking grubby toss with a tube up his ass. Also, this scene is way funnier when you keep in mind that this is like the fourth time Brigham Young did that. Yeah. Right. Now this is the land. No, this Yeah. Right. Now this is the land. This is

like sure this one is the land. We're nobody's ever going to fuck with us. Well, America kept extending the boundaries of its territory and they like kept pushing the Mormons further west to get out of America so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted to. So that eventually they got to the great base and they're like, we're in Mexico, boys. We get to fuck everybody's daughters. It's great now. All right. And so also we have to point this out that after they finally get to the promised land of Salt Lake fucking city, they, you pay. And these, this is a quote here. They made peace with the Indians. Oh, you know, you know how peace is in the phrase rest in peace. They made that kind of peace. You know,

you know, the Romans pacified Gaul. Yeah, they made peace with the Indians is what they did. Yeah, peace spelled P I E C E because that's one thing that Bill Hickman did was like literally massacre the Tim Penogas Indians and then cut off their heads and sent them to New York to be studied. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Wow. Wow. The real, the real version of this movie is so goddamn dark you couldn't get it on HBO. That's the literal fucking truth. Wow. All right. So and then and then like they put a lot of fucking words around it because you got to put a lot of words around it to make it not sound really bad. But then it's like, and then we spent 1857 shooting it to us army for a year.

Oh god. Why? Why was this happening because bloody Brigham Young wouldn't step down from the seat of governor. He refused to step down and a president be cannon was like what the fuck do i do with them the mormons out in the utta territory i this is a huge problem and he sent the military off and brigham sent his little militiaman his danights out to burn the ground in front of their troops to sp poisoned their literally point the water wells in front of them to obstruct them in any way possible to blow up their supply carriages. And eventually like they just came to an impasse and bloody, Brigham was like, okay, I'll

step down for a minute. And then like the people that Buchanan was able to put in place of Brigham Young, the non-mormons, eventually they all disappeared or ran away because life was so shitty for them in Utah in the 1850s and 60s. Like, it's called Buchanan's Blunder, but it's like, this is what happens when a fucking psychopath tyrant refuses to step down from office. Yeah, well, okay, so yeah, but in this movie, it's just like, well, you know, we had just finally finished taking all our wells and then the government wanted to come in and say that they dug those wells.

And we were like, no, you didn't take those wells. So we shot an armed American dog. It's basically worth three and a half minutes into this fucking movie. And the narrator is going, I was a traitor to the US nation in its infancy, and I fought to create a sovereign theocracy in the middle of, you know, I was, oh, wow, this is going to get a lot of trees today. Let me get to this heartfelt father, son moment too, where our narrator, Miles, who we get to meet in his adult form very soon, is like flanked on either side by

Porter Rockwell and while Bill Hickman shooting at a supply train and blowing it up, right? Like it's such a, like a happy, clappy, you know, fun music, like yakety sack is playing in the background. It's like, oh, those are, those are like federal United States militiamen that you're just shooting at, like guerrilla terrorizing that's fun. Well, to this movie's credit, as they blow up a cargo truck behind US soldiers in an act of historical treason, it frees frames and he goes, they called us the avenging angels. I just wrote my notes, oh man, I really hope they have to drug one of them to get him on a plane. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you remember those three guys? What if we made a movie where we pretend they were a secret army?

And the good guys. Right. And the good guys. Right, that's the fucked up thing. It's just like, yeah, we were shooting at the American soldiers and then the Civil War started. So they kind of went and fought that Civil War, which we stayed home from mostly. We are the heroes of this film.

Right. This is like if in 200 years, they made a movie about those guys who took over the birding station and ate a bunch of gummy dicks, but they were the heroes. It really is. I love this too. Like our brothers had an other name for us, the avenging angels. And then it's like apostates had another name for us. It was, all right. So now we fast forward to 1872. And we're going like, you know, I mean, by 1872, even Brigham Young was kind of embarrassed to be associated with people as violent as us, which says a lot. A lot. And again, the historical truth behind this is so much funnier and awesomer because they just killed a bunch of people. Bring them young.

Didn't mean to have killed. Right. So he was like, I don't know those guys. What? Yep. Who? Yep. Oh, I gave them badges, but that was for a Christmas thing. Your daughters looking great.

What is she, 11, 12 now? I'm ready to be on. Oh, no. So. Yeah, one guy had been convicted at this point and was shot for this. John Dewey. Oh, really? From Mount Metals Massacre.

Oh, okay. But I don't think he was actually shot for it until like 1878 or something, which is like 24 years after the shooting actually happened. So that's just this is swift and fair and shit. Well, so okay, at this point, I wasn't sure how honest we were going to be here because like the opening scene we meet Miles as an adult, right? And the first thing he does is just slit some random old man's throat who's going to get water for his coffee. And I would, and I wrote my notes. I was like, well, okay, well, then Miles Utley just slitted dude's throat for apostasy. It turns out

it wasn't that exactly. But like, that's what I thought we were. I thought that's how honest we were being here. It wasn't not that. And what's amazing is spoiler alert, nine tenths of the way through this movie, this movie will think that this killing at the beginning, which it will dedicate four and a half seconds to is what the movie is about. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. For the rest of this movie, when we're in the last tenth of this movie and everyone's holding their heads and ripping sack cloth about this killing, keep in mind that what we got at the beginning of the movie was, hey, I'm going to go take a shit in the woods. Yeah.

And that's where we actually meet our protagonist for the first time, right? So our introduction to Miles to this point is his dad dying and being handed to an outlaw as a apparently an adopted son immediately, then shooting at armed officers of the federal government and now slitting an innocent guy's throat. He was just like taking a shit in the woods, right? And then he says, this is so great. He says, better one man be sacrificed than the kingdom of God on earth. And that's a recurring theme

throughout this movie of people using scripture justifications to commit god to matrosities. Right. Right. So much of this fucking movie is like, all right. Well, now he shouldn't have killed that guy. That's one of the guys that he killed that was a bad person to have killed. Yeah. So I wanna point out, okay, so then he, so let's discuss, so then he goes, and he goes to fuck his lady friend.

Not yet. Great. I wanna make it clear to the listeners at home, we're not even all the way through the goddamn credits, and we've had to stop this many times to go, okay, here's what's going on. Okay. Yeah, and she's what's going on. Okay. Yeah, and she's a teenager, by the way, if you were really living this movie with us,

there's a lot of what? Who is she? Who was that guy he killed? Keep in mind that we are guiding you through this movie, like the shepherds of men we are. We did not find out, I mean, everyone except price did not find out who that guy who got his throat slit for an hour and a half right? Yeah, uh-huh. Three episodes of everybody loves Raymond until we know what the fuck just happened.

And this is weird too because he's he like comes up to this teenager and like there's one less of your father We'll have to worry about which at this point serves to be the for play a talk with a teenager in eighteen seventies you talk splitting a guy's throat and she just shrugs that shit off and it's like that says there's two more enemies coming in from the east tomorrow but what we don't know who did this or any okay so yeah just to give you a quick example here's my

entrance into this fucking scene. The sentence that I wrote as we watched it. Yeah, I could have gone back and fixed it. I didn't because I thought it should remain here as an exemplar is. So now miles is in parentheses. I think tracking to in parentheses, whoever it is, he's murdering through in parentheses, town question mark. Yeah, I just wrote in my notes, these guys look like the most dangerous dentists in all of cowboy Utah. So yeah, he's okay. So apparently he is trying to protect Brigham Young from the numerous assassins that are always after Brigham Young, which is fair because

people were trying to kill, you know, that's, that's what happens with the job of tyrant people are trying to kill you all the time. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And if anybody would have succeeded, it would have been too little too late at any time. Yeah. No, they would have just made another guy him, which is what happened with Joseph Smith. I mean, that's how we got there. Yeah. That's, that's it. Yep. All right. So now we, we meet, I don't know, tell me who we fucking be. The first guy who's yelling at the church before Brigham Young, who's this guy? Right. So this is Ben Rigby. He's a fictional character, but he is, we will find out one of like the main villains who's planning the great conspiracy spoiler, the great conspiracy

to kill Brigham Young. And he is up there just screaming about Mormon purity. And well, the first thing that he says, he like starts talking. And I had to put on subtitles for this because I thought the first word that he says is the Jews. That's the word of the hour. No, it would have fit, but he actually says vigilance is the word of the hour. I see. Okay. I mean, he gets around to Jews when he says that carpet baggers are the problem.

Yeah. Well, and okay, so I love the way that they're selling this to this. So what we have here is he's saying like, you know, bring him young realizes that there shouldn't be mining here in Utah, but all the miners want to come in and mine. That's why we don't want outsiders here is because of all the mining rights that they'll take. And we're trying to protect the environment you see, not naked xenophobia or anything like that. We didn't murder anybody. Also, there's just a tiny moment in this speech. And I know we got to move on because there's

so much movie less, but there's a tiny moment in this speech that I have to talk about, which is where Rigby throws in a Mormon deep cut where he's like, don't you guys remember all the trials and tribulations the time those seagulls came and ate all our locusts, you know, just the normal historically agreed upon events that took place. Yes, yes, the whole yeah, oh, we when we first came to this land eight tree bark immediately after that scene where Brigham Young said that we would want for nothing in this new land of ours anyway It doesn't and then they almost all starps to death. Yeah, but luckily birds eight bugs for the first time in human history. It was a miracle So okay, but just then like a bring. Now it's time for Brigham Young

to take the fucking stage, right? He does his little poundy thing with his fucking cane and everybody shuts the fuck up because he's bringing my animal tube. Yeah. And I love. So basically here's how Brigham Young speech goes in this movie he comes to the fucking front and he goes I Don't kill people and We don't want people to get killed and I don't order people to get killed. I certainly don't pay For people to get killed Or their legs broken. I'm done. I'm done Remembered and he literally enters on remember Joseph Smith's last words. I love you all.

Which I just take issue with because it was more like, Oh, I'm shot, you fuckers. Well, it was, I'm shot, you fuckers because my magic powers didn't work. Yeah. Cause garments don't actually deflect. Yes, yes, exactly. He is more likely to have had his last words be, I love you all. Shooting him with finger guns.

Yeah. I love you all shooting them with finger guns. Yeah, so well, yeah, actually, that's really close to what he did. Isn't it? But just then like so the whole time that they're doing these speeches, Tom Barroncher, Tom Barroncher is the main character of this fucking movie. We haven't really like laid that out. He's miles. Tom Barroncher's walking through the church crowd looking for somebody. He knows there's some assassins in the crowd and he's keeping an eye out for everybody and just had somebody pulls a gun out of a bag or whatever and he gets the drop on him and he shoots him. This is the only time he will ever get the drop on any fucking buddy in the entire movie, by the way.

Oh, yeah. And it was almost too late, right? Like the person was able to brandish the pistol pointed at Brigham Young. And in the lick of time, he like went behind Brigham's back and shot them and they will apparently in the face. But I would like to point out here, I want some realism. That bullet clearly was sent or masked because they fell backwards. Their head didn't snap backwards, but it doesn't. It doesn't matter. I'm just being picky.

Yeah, that's the thing they got wrong in this movie. Yeah, that's the weird they got wrong in this movie. Yeah. That's the weird part about this movie press. So and then of course, there's the suspenseful moment, right? Because the person has a hood on Allah Assassin's Creed when he shoots him. So he runs over to check on like it should like pull the hood up and see who the assassin was. And just then someone gets the drop on him, get used to that and knocks them unconscious.

So he gets like taken to the next scene. You will never convince me that the original title of this film wasn't someone gets the drop on it. And this was like such a what the hell moment for me too, because like I could not figure this out. I was like, he was, he was protecting the profit. Why would somebody hit him in the face? What? What's going on? And then it all starts to come together when he wakes up. Yeah, right. It's, it's, this all adds up according to the yarn and stick pins in fucking Bryce's

basement. All right. And now, welcome to my brain. Miles wakes up in Jeffrey Jones's office. And I'm going to go ahead and tell you right away. It's going to turn out that Jeffrey Jones is the bad guy. And you can tell because it's Jeffrey Jones, right? Like he always turns out to be the fucking bad guy. Well, I was going to say you can also tell based on this actor's performance.

He's like, hello, Miles. Would you like a glass of water, not evil? What? What did you say? Not evil. Well, there's a, there's a distinctly, and please tell me what the relationship is between these two characters, Chris, because there's a distinctly like, give me your badge and gun kind of a moment here between them.

I put in, I put in my notes, turning your badge and magic underwear. I have that in my notes too. Okay. So there were like, there were the actual soldiers of the assassin squad of the Danites, right? But they were run by captains. The captains like would be the administrators of each of the different divisions of the Danites. And it's clear that, like, this guy has, he's brother Milton Long, so Jeffrey Jones, right? He's clearly one of the administrators over the security over the Danites. And he's, they say it later in the movie that he's head of Brigham's personal security

team, right? So we don't know that yet. He's just Jeffrey Jones asking our main character. You tell me what the hell you were doing today. And you're like, what? What the why? Okay, wait, what's going on? Right. So let me, let me make this clear then because the movie really, really does a terrible job

at this. So Jeffrey Jones, Milton Long is the head of Brigham Young Security. And Tom Barronger's character is securing Brigham Young at Jeffrey Jones's at Milton Long's request. Yes. But the Dan Eitzer or group that DeMormon Church doesn't have anything to do with

and don't have any official capacity, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? They never existed, just like the Illuminati. Okay. All right. Just making sure that okay, but even within this movie, they can't keep it fucking straight. It's amazing. All right. But here's the thing.

So when he killed the person that was about to kill, Brigham Young, it turned out that they didn't find a gun on that person. He's being set up. Yeah. Here's the twist. So he's being set up. Yeah. Here's the twist. So he's on like, Dan Knight probation. He's like, you get out of here and he's like, no, I've got to find those other two. So the concept here, don't worry, the movie will drop this in seconds, but just so you

can follow along. He's going to follow the two assassins who didn't try to kill. Bring them young. That's his mission. Meanwhile, Jeff is like, oh, you're on DanIde Probection. Well, and here's the fucked up thing, right? So from Jeffrey Jones' character's perspective,

if he's not one of the people trying to set up Tom Baringer's character, then what he thinks happens is, happened is, Tom Baringer just shot a rando in the middle of a church that was unarmed. And his and his solution is like, maybe you take a couple of days off and let this blow over, right? Yeah. Okay. What we're saying is it's the first ever police department. Yeah. Kind of shares a whole lot of the, yeah, no, they had a gun on them the whole time. I swear officer. It's like all of the same old buddy cop tropes. It's like, Ben Rigby wants your head on a platter.

And this, yeah. And, and I love this line because Jeffrey Jones says we're trying to convince people that we're civilized here and shooting folk ain't civilized. He says, despite our polygamous views, we're not a cult of barbarians. That's like, yeah, that's the least barbaric thing about you guys. Okay. So he goes, he goes to leave town barrage or miles, goes to walk out the door and Jeffrey Jones goes, oh, one more thing. I know you're fucking break him young starter. And then yes, right. By the way, get ready for that because literally every character will end all their interactions with miles with that or by getting the drop on him, which is what happens immediately after that.

Right? He walks out the fucking door and those two assassins, there's the thing he was going to try to to follow, get the drop on him again. Get by the way, they get the drop on him by being like something on your shirt. And okay, so Miles just now suffered his second concussion in 15 minutes. He better be slurring his words in the next scene. Yeah, right. We got some serious problems, but no, no, no, it's, it's movie unconscious. So you just wake up later. Yeah.

All right. So Miles wakes up. He's on the shore of the great salt lake. And he's being found by a woman and her two daughters. This is a, Eliza Rigby. Mm-hmm. Is this character? I like Eliza Rigby is the character. I like Eliza Rigby a lot. Probably a little too much.

Okay. All right. So that's you know, we just have a lot of a much better understanding of the posters in your bedroom. Now, let's get to say we're working through all of Bryce's issues on today. So it's got all the means. Me and every ex Mormon listening to this. Well, in this together, folks, we're making. So, uh, Miles goes, wait, you're elder Rigby's wife, right? And she goes, well, I'm one of you used a singular. I don't know why you would think that would be a singular thing. But no, yes, I am amongst elder Rigby's wives.

Right. Okay. So this is why I love her because I think she's the best person acting in this movie because her face says more than what her words actually say because when she says one of them, yes, like there's, there's this overwhelming, like sadness and dejection, like a cloud descends over her head. And then the conversation gets a lot worse because Miles says, does he know that I'm here? And then she goes on to like monologue,

looking out the window, wistfully, my husband and I don't have much occasion to speak. I live here alone with my two daughters. No one knows you're here. So you're safe from whoever's after you. And of course, when she says that, like that's music to a predator's ears, right? But like her facial expressions take me to the 1870s. And like every scene with her, I'm like, this is so real of Utah women back then. And what thousands of Utah women live with every day in Utah and Southern Utah right now. It's painful to watch this character actor and she does such a good job. Well, there's a whole bunch of this movie and this is one of those parts that has me going,

like who's this movie for? Right? Like, it's not for the Mormons. They don't want this stuff in their movies. It's not for non-Mormons because we don't know the fuck you're talking about. It's for Bryce Blake and Egg almost be a fan of the audience of one. Kind of like my podcast.

Here's, all right. And so there's also like, you know, okay, so to summarize everything here in this scene, basically he wakes up, she's bandaging him up. She says, you can stay here as long as you like, apropos if nothing, my husband hasn't fucked me in a really long time. What? you said what haha so okay and now that they're having dinner

and they have a conversation that i don't know like i can't but i don't know what the anger is here the the like there's there's some like unspoken thing that they're talking about but it's on unspoken thing and it's this fucking movie i I don't know what the fuck this scene is about. What's amazing about this scene again is that this whole movie stick is to build up the Danites as like this tribe of ninjas, but when you know the actual history, it's just like, so you and those two other guys keep fucking killing people. And she says she's like, so do you like it paid for that?

Or is it an internship situation? Like what's going on with all the murder you and your two friends can't emphasize this enough just you and your two friends are doing? And he's like the Danites are a myth. Yeah. And she's like, really? Because you're a myth that killed a bunch of people. We all know.

No, this is a small community. We know your, your Tom Barencher. We know that. This would be like someone walking up to me at a live show and being like, how do you like the podcast? And me being like, what podcast? Snowbow. Well, okay.

And then of course, he has to give this explanation, right? Because of course, yes. The Danites in this movies universe are the kung fu Assassins that work right under the top level Mormons but don't work for the Mormons so he gives this speech about like sort of justifying the existence of the Danites Where he's basically saying like the problem was Joseph Smith was too goddamn peaceful It was his conviction that no one should ever be violent whatsoever.

It got him killed because he was so peaceful. God had shit on him. Martin Luther King stole that idea from him from him. Yeah. And he's like, I won't let that happen to Brigham. What happened to Joseph Smith, right? Because religion does so much good for society. But there's another layer to all of this because Mormonism is all about this word

pre-scrapped that they throw around. It's like the church isn't supposed to pay the leaders. Like the leaders are called of God, it's their calling, and like they just do it as a volunteer thing, right? The term calling is big in Mormonism. So the idea that the church has paid clergy is already a super touchy issue. So then when we extended that question to, does the church pay their assassin squad?

It's like, it's like their pre-scrafting ninja. How do we, how do we deal with that question? So that's kind of like the subtext of what's going on in this conversation. And then he's like, I'm, I'm such a bad ass killer. I don't kill for money. I do it for family like everybody in our little mafia does, right? Yeah. No, no, no, no. I kill for a religious conviction who could possibly see a problem with that. Yeah. And also like I do it because who the fuck is going to stop me out here? And my life

is awesome as shit. I get land. I get money for anything I need, I fuck teenagers, it's, my life is the shit right now. Who's gonna stop me? Yeah. All right, so now we cut to sometime later, she's loobing up Tom Barringer's chest on the lake shore. Oh my god, I love this scene. All you needed to sell me on this movie, whatever happened before, whatever happened

then. All you need is this scene where this poor actress is doing her absolute best to look like she is not horrified, rubbing oil on top. How many times did they call cut and she was just like, oh, she needed a fucking spit bucket like they do in McDonald's commercials. Just like Joanne, that water's boiling. I know, Steve, I know.

All right, we need to set up for the reverse shot. No, you fucking don't. You're doing it in one. Birdman, motherfucker. But yeah, she's rubbing him down with oil and then they make out a little bit and she's like, yeah, can't, I'm a married woman and he's like, okay, I'm just writing my notes. I can't bone you. We swore to be each other's 125th and only.

Yeah. And then as he's like buttoned and assured up getting get an old ejected she goes also. Um, you're fucking the profits daughter. I know also that you're having sex with her. So, but no, that does not just hit though, because like she rejects him and then he like gets up all miffed and starts buttoning up his shirt. And then she's like besides, it's my understanding that you prefer much younger women, which, ha ha ha, pedophilia joke, but she delivers it fucking stone cold and just looks off into the distance and drops her mic through the goddamn center of the earth.

It was amazing. And then he reacts like you would expect somebody. Is there anybody in Salt Lake who doesn't know about that? Instead of saying, oh, yeah, I'm fucking a teenager. I should reflect on my life. Or, oh, you know about that. I should think about who I talked to and who I brag to about fucking a teenager. No, he's like, oh, you know about it too. What a shame. Slaps his knee. Ag on my face. Yeah. Right. Also, she immediately follows this by being like, just so you know about it too. What a shame. Slaps his knee. Ag on my face.

Yeah. Also, she immediately follows this by being like, just so you know, break him young daughter is only fucking you to piss off her dad. And I wrote in my notes, and so it was that Mormon's girls would be in a long tradition of fucking people to piss off their dad. Well, and then in the creepiest turn of the whole fucking movie,

he's like, well, yeah, but like I'm only fucking her cuz I secretly What a fuck her dad threw Anyway, holy shit. Let's be clear. It is not just this scene. He will re-emphasize this with each character who brings up this scandal Every single one of them will be like, oh you're fucking that child and he's like, no, God, how many times do I have to explain this? I am trying to get close to her dad. You guys are making it weird. Like, reinforces it to her. Yes, like, later to her face. And then she does it back to him. Yeah, it's really fucking weird. Okay. Fucking insane. So now we get this it. So they don't, they will, they won't won't they know they won't it's at least that much of a Mormon movie So now I guess miles is about to leave to go hunt down whatever the fuck he's doing in this goddamn movie

But just then this chicks husband comes by oh Man is this the Mormon cowboy movie we all thought it would be Okay, so let's be clear this woman's husband comes back first of all for some reason cowboy movie we all thought it would be. Okay, so let's be clear. This woman's husband comes back. First of all, for some reason, he is wearing a magician's top hat in the middle of this cowboy movie. Yep. And then our hero, I cannot emphasize this enough stands and listens as she gets physically

abused in the barn. Yeah. In a cowboy movie, right? This movie's like, bear, but a bear guns and slingers and roses and ashes. But at this point in the movie, we will hear her getting abused. And he's like, I should do something. The daughters are like, don't. And he's like, well, they said, don't.

Yep. I guess I will just stand here for her. Nothing that I can do. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then Rigby comes storming out of the house and says, that desire is for the husband, the husband, part of the goddamn temple covenants, right? It's like that Rob Porter shit that came out two years ago. That's like not an isolated incident.

That it's like cultural and scriptural background to that shit. Right. Insane. And then it's so much worse because she comes out and she is stone faced about this. She's got blood on her cheek and a ripped sleeve and she is just like shit just happens. He comes over here like once, twice a month, slaps me around with his whiskey dick and I just take that shit and destroyed, right? And then she sends her kids out to go like boil fucking water or whatever. And then he like gets on the horse and was like, you tell your husband that if he lays a hand on you, I'm gonna come right down on him like the wrath of God.

Like, you could have done that. If he ever hits you again, I'm gonna do everything. Everybody gets one, but take my word for it. I will totes my goats do something. If he ever hits you again, I'm the hero of this, he'll be, he'll already have hit you, of course, by then. So it's not gonna, you know, just like, you're like, just know if you beat you to death, that after you're dead, I will probably give him a stern talking. Oh, yeah. You know what? If he hits you four more times, that's three warnings. And then a relapse, then, then, well, I'm going to have strong words with him, maybe.

Yeah. We'll see. And I'll set up this bell on an end of a, you know, 400 mile long string. So you can reach me in Escalante when he starts eating you again. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Is that how you diffuse an abuse situation? You tell the abuser that a guy who has the hots for me is going to kick your ass.

Yeah, right. That's the boyfriend's going to be you up if you hit me again. Yeah. No, I don't think that's going to work great. All right. Well, tell you what, I'm not 100% sure what it is. But clearly at the end of this scene, Miles wrote off to do something heroic or something. So we're gonna pause for a quick break,

but we'll be back soon with the yet still more characters than are the avenging angel. From the makers of the avenging angel comes a new family comedy about life in Utah's West. Honey's I'm home. Meet Rigby, a family man who's got a lot on his hands. 22 bathrooms and they're all full. And his wives Eleanor Susan Elizabeth Sally Dabra Jolene Sarah Rebecca.

Oh, which one are you again? I'm Raylene. Wait, when? When did he marry you? I was 11. Woof. Anyway, coming this fall, the Rigby's. I'm 15.

I said woof, we get it. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left off, our hero was just leaving Eliza's place after she refused to fuck him. So we're going to rejoin the action with him making a goddamn B line to Miranda's place. That would be Brigham Young's daughter, the teenage girl, and he has sex with other side. So great.

So he shows up at the, I don't know, wherever it is, the graveyard, the romantic graveyard, where the two of them meet, apparently, very unclear. Yeah. And you know, he's like, he shows up and he's like, oh, I'm so glad to see you, baby. Can I call you? Eliza tonight? She's like, what? She's like, he says, you said what? But just then, wouldn't you know what, along comes a carriage full of plot devices. This is the laziest this fucking writing ever gets in this goddamn movie. He just so happens to be in the graveyard, where all the bad guys are bringing the body of the assassin that he killed earlier. Right. Yeah. Miranda is there for this second, but that doesn't matter at any point after

this. No, she just disappears. She goes all the way off the script from this moment on. Yes. Yep. Oh, I want to recut Crazy billionaire remake. Miranda's just standing there the entire scene being like, hello. I'm the profit star. You once acknowledged that I'm here.

She okay. I talked to my dad. All right, it's fine that I'm here. So, okay. I talked to my dad. All right, it's fine. I'm 15. Okay, so yes, so all of these various bad guyish characters that we've met to this point have come to dig up a body. Now, it's the body of the assassin that he killed and apparently they're moving it around.

They're doing a relay with it or something, so that nobody will figure out who it was. Yep. Because in the forest, random forest area, not near any civilization, wasn't a good enough hiding place under the ground? Yeah, apparently not, yeah. And then, okay, and fucking miles rolls up like he's all bad ass

He's like hey guys get away from the coffin. I'm gonna figure out what's going on here and get to the bottom of this But what you know at somebody gets the fucking drop on him Right, and it's miles with one shot gun versus like four guys. Yeah, I'll have their guns out ready to go and he Intimidates them away for what But until until this other, the fifth character shows up, right, who gets the drop on him. Now, this is Porter Rockwell. And I just wrote my nose like I'm a remember who the fuck that is. We're 33 minutes into this movie. There are already 74 characters, but this is the one played by James Copern. So I did remember who this was. Yeah. My, my notes here are who is Santa Hobo. And I supposed to know

who Santa Hobo is. Wasn't Santa Hobo his friend earlier in the movie? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The guy with the well, one of the guys with the one of the fake beards right at the beginning when they were like moving into the valley, right? Yeah. And it's really weird here because you're supposed to suspect that Porter Rockwell is colluding with the enemies here, but it later is not Porter's actually a good guy. It's, yeah, exactly. And there was a lot of convoluted bullshit to get there. But so we get through all of that. And now here's how stupid and lazy this goddamn movie has gotten the next scene. We have him following around

Rigby that the chicks husband the anyway I'm not even I'm not he's following around one of the bad guys Let's not try to pretend like they're all different fucking people in this and here's his big plot His big plan is to steal the carriage From that bad guy and to take it to the newspaper guy so that he can ask the newspaper guy what the fuck the movie's about. Why didn't he just walk? Why didn't he just ride his own horse there?

Why didn't he teleport there because of doesn't, uh, not whatever, doesn't matter. The reason he goes to talk to the newspaper man, according to the protagonist is because you're the newspaper guy. You know things, right? You have to write something in your paper and the guy's like, that's a solid because he needs news. He needs news. So he goes to where the news is. Yes. And I love air. Like when, when he walks in, the newspaper guy, Pike is like, are you here to burn the place down? That was a good one. I chuckled.

Big wink. Yeah. Big wink. So, okay, but basically he says he gives him a long speech, but right at the end of his big dramatic, hey, remember that guy you killed in the opening scene? Maybe that has some significance now, huh? Huh? And just as he finishes that dramatic speech, a bunch of armed guys get the drop on him. Because it's because it's it. You know what I was going to do? You're a bit about it. It's an even numbered scene or it's an odd

numbered scene. It's just a numbered scene. So yeah, exactly, exactly. Right. Uh, so yeah, okay. So I guess they arrest him now for stealing that guy's horse and buggy, which he never had any reason to do unless getting arrested was part of his Joker-esque plan here. And by the way, listener, if you are confused and lost in the plot, it is probably because as I watch this movie, each character seems to be guessing with their dialogue what the movie's about, right? And the superman is like, maybe that guy you killed and the bad guy show up and they're

like, is it a horse thing? Maybe it's a horse based crime movie. I know that there's a lot of tape left. We'll find out together what the plot of this is. As the handcuffs like clink clink clink clink clink down onto his hands, it's like, who did I murder? Is that going to come out in court? It's like, you're a Danite. There is no court for you. You're going to disappear down a well. We're more like all the fucking people that you've killed because you're fucking Dana. Yeah, right.

Like, dude, we have people that go around and slit people's throat for us. Oh, right. I'm one of them. Right. Right. Shit. Whoops. I wanted to start criticizing Danite technique.

He's like, really? You're bringing me to the Cotherby's well to jump me in there. Okay. Okay. I'm going to try our right back up. All right. okay, okay. I'm gonna try our right back up. All right, so okay. And they take him to the Mormon Dungeons and his girlfriend and his girlfriend show up together

to see him, that's awkward. Awkward. And this scene, by the way, serves no goddamn purpose because like, somebody's gonna give him a gun to break out a prison with, but it doesn't matter because somebody else is also gonna get a different gun to break out a prison with. And then he won't need a gun to break out a prison with, but it doesn't matter because somebody else is also going to get my different gun to break out a prison with. And then he won't need

a gun to break out of prison. So I was going to say that this scene is not pointless because it provides truly the best comedic moment of the 21st century where two characters visiting him in a row secret him guns. I wanted that to continue just for the rest of the year. We don't really run into. So bad. He like, he goes up to the horse. All right, girl, let's get out of the horse opens its mouth,

hands of a pistol. I'm now, I'm now out of gun pockets. Holster's death, the word. Bring him young comes up and hands him the keys to a tank. Right. No, actually spoiler alert. Bring him young is going to blind him. Yep. But hang on. No, so there is an important detail here, right? So Eliza gives him this fucking hand howitzer. This thing's a monster. Like even dirty hair. He's like, come on. You're compensating, aren't you? But then Milton, Milton long hands him, you know, one of them, the main bad guys hands him a little black gun police issue. And that comes back later when he confronts Porter Rockwell. Yes. Well, yeah, though, that's, yeah, that's the next scene actually. So he's load up

especially, he's getting ready to make his escape. He's calling the guard, but damn it. If Jeffrey Jones is character Milton long doesn't show up up and he also brings him a gun, which again, the that's that's actually kind of clever. And he's like, Milton, tell me what the hell is going on? Why were they digging up that body? Who is it that I got killed? And he's like, look, man, we're barely into act two. You know, I'm not going to fucking tell you. If I did, it would turn out I was lying anyway. Why don't you, when you find Porter Rock, well, he'll tell you everything that's, he'll explain the entire movie to you, right? Yeah.

Also the newspaper guy that you talked to, he got shot and killed and that does nothing to do with the rest of this movie. Yeah. So what's amazing is it's trying to establish, on my second watch of this movie, I realized it's trying to establish him is the villain fishing for information But because he doesn't get it from the protagonist. He's just like nothing well You know sometimes people get murdered Anyways

See you enjoy that gun I was this many minutes old when I figured that out I was this many minutes old when I figured that out. Yeah, right. I like I even realized that there was a reason for killing Pike. I was just like, oh, well, he went and talked and now Pike had too much information about the conspiracy and you got to kill them. Newspaper, guys.

Yep. I guess. Or maybe it's just a Mormon thing. They're just like winning doubt, kill the newspaper guy. Yeah. Or burn it down or. Yeah. Why not both if you're feeling a little frisky. Right. Well, yeah, you can kill both of those birds with one stone fairly easily. Okay.

So and then he escapes from prison by walking out of the unlocked prison. Mormons are on the honor system apparently. It started here folks started here. Fucking stupid. Okay. And then he goes to this bar where he's supposed to meet Porter Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How many times now? Quite a few now. But these bad guys are special. They waited for him to say something mean to one of the villains before they showed up. Yes. Okay, so he's talking to Althea's young who is Brigham Young's son, right? One of the 59, yeah. Yeah.

One of the 59 characters who won't matter and will have no effect on the plot of this movie, but now the movie seems to think is the villain. He's not. Don't worry. It's only for another three minutes. But anyways, he gets in there and Alfie is young as like, let me tell you, I'm the bad guy. And the barely there in this bar alone until the moment he's like, fuck you, Alfie is young, in which case, 700 guys descend from the raptors, like Tom, they're popping out of barrels. It was like pirates of the Caribbean. You know, and, and like, you got to wonder like, what if he just hadn't said anything that

made the clever, refuel work, would they have just stayed there all fucking night with him trying to coax out a clever, like, come on, man, you got to say something about, but we're all alone. You get, you're never, if you don't say it, then I never have a time to lift my arms and reveal all my, okay, but you know what, fuck you. But okay. So I got to give it to the writing staff because they pulled off a joke. I was howling at this one, right? So miles says too alphys young, you know, the problem with polygamy when you have 27 wise and 56 children, one of them is bound to turn out as dirt, stupid and pig ugly as you.

And I died. I melted into my chair. I was laughing so hard because like Mormons don't got good jokes. Like you, you listeners, you've heard me on this podcast, like we don't know how to laugh. We don't know how to make like real jokes. So for the writing staff to like shoe, or in that one in with this delivery right before the ambush, oh my God, I was howling. I control myself.

Again, as this movie was made for Bryce Blinken, I wrote my notes. I know that the people who wrote this movie think this is very, very funny. Congratulations, Marcello squares were handed out all around. And let's just point out, like, I don't want to get into the alfie is young plotline because it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter. This alfie is young plotline is so filled with inside Mormon jokes, they might as well just turn to the screen and be like, huh? Yeah, right.

The girls in the square who come up and talk to you, right? Right. Yeah, I also love that like they can start a sentence with the problem with polygamy is and then not anything with any of the numerous actual fucking problems with polygamy. It doesn't end with the American government. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. And I should say polygamy as understood by the Mormons in this film.

All right, but luckily though, for fucking miles, this bar has dynamite lanterns. So he shoots so many. Oh my God, yeah, so he just, like, starts shooting lanterns. There's giant explosions everywhere, but the fire knows bad guy from good guy knows friend from foe. It's like don't catch him on fire. He set us free, you know, or whatever. So he's fine and runs out of the bar. Right. And Alphius Young was like, I'm bulletproof mother fucker and he's like not fireproof mother fucker

And we should point out somehow all of these henchmen of which there are 75,000 they all stood exactly next to the exploding barrels of this movie Yeah, like the golden the bad guys from golden I were like come on dude Give the lantern some distance. That's just unsafe. Yeah, that's, that's an OSHA violation, sir. Now, watch me get shot in the dick by 11 year old Eli. So, all right.

And then the next day this movie says, you know what, we need to hear as more characters. So he now rides up to his sister's place. Now we're going to find out it's a sister. At first, he just rides up on a woman. We haven't met yet. And she just tackles him, drags him to the ground and smothers him with kisses. But no, that's his sister. Like, yeah, oh, another girlfriend. This is sling and some pipe. Cool. My, my first note for this scene is, who is this lady? Seriously, I'm going to need these dusty white people to wear name tags. They're all elder and sister. Also, tackle was very weird, very sexual. These people give the Fulcher siblings a run for their money. I'll say it right now.

So, yeah, so he has dinner with his sister's family. And we learn here that the assassination attempt son, Brigham Young, have gotten so serious that they're taking Brigham Young to his summer home, his security expert Milton Long, the wink, wink, good guy as far as we know, is going to take him to his summer home and get him away from all these damned assassins. Right? And then Miles is like, well, I guess I've got to go there and help defend him. Oh, also take a monster, right?

Like just, so creepy, so very uncomfortable. I need an adult during this scene. There's just one moment I want to touch on during this scene. The son character, they're in the middle of explaining this plot and just out of nowhere it goes, I heard you were dead and no, I can't sound less psyched about it. Okay, bye. I don't, how many takes did this child do of jubulence and his uncle's death before they were just like, it's fine. It's fine.

We're going to imagine a backstory where he really hates this fucking ungly. And also like that literally happened the night before did the kids see it tweeted or something? I'm done. I am. What the fuck is going on? How does it, how does information travel faster than miles does on a horse? I don't get it.

Right. All right. So, but he stays with him that night and, you know, like we have the long scene where he's having a conversation with a sister talking about like, boy, we sure do have a fully fleshed out backstory. Do we not? We sure do. Right. And that's a wrap on these characters. have a fully fleshed out backstory. Do we not? We sure do, right?

And that's a wrap on these characters. You sure are a character that matters and not a weird way to horn in the next room that I will shoot people in. Y'all don't mind if I leave you with a body, do you? Yeah, right. Also, this was an interesting moment because it's a guess another little wink and an odd to a Mormon. The sister turns to her, she's like, I need you to get married because otherwise you can't go to like the top heaven. Right, right, right. What?

I wrote down handshake meme, but with Mormons on one side and Jewish moms on the other, get married through your soul water in the middle. You know, son, your balls are starting to dry up. They do about a time you're 35 years old. Yeah, mom. I know. Okay. I know. So okay. And then, all right. So it's the next day, he's about to leave. They're doing that fucking Midwestern. I'm already out to my car, but I can't leave yet because you're still standing here talking to me thing. When suddenly Alfie is young, you remember from the ambush gets the drop on him. He rides towards him yelling, I'm bulletproof and has as much success with that as his dad did. Yeah, yeah, he's, he's writing on, he starts firing at this guy from like whatever 300 yards away or so, you know, just on horseback. So that goes as well as it probably really would

if you were on horseback and the other guy wasn't. Yeah. The old, the old storm trooper method only. Yeah, horse. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But fucking miles kills the horse. He's not a great shot. And then so Alpheus comes up to him. Miles has his gun out and Alpheus is like, I bet I can out draw that. Uh, he can't.

No, he cannot. He dies. That shoots him center mass instant dead. Yep. So gone. All right, so now Miles is off at some fort looking for Bill Hickman. No fucking Yes. My favorite character aside from Eliza Rigby. Bill Hickman drives this shit straight

home. I love it. That's right. That's this is wild Bill Hickman. We have met him before. That's right. Okay. All right. This is the dad character I just want to read you the listener at home a sample of our notes. No Now he's in a fort looking for Bill Hickman. No fucking clue Eli who the fuck is Bill Hickman Bryce a page and a half of when my brother Bill Hickman was doing page and a half of when my brother, Bill Hickman was doing two pages of Bill Hickman fan fiction. I wish you were here. And I even like, I even preface it with this is a great scene.

So like, hey guys, can we spend some time on this? It's a great scene of your Bryce Blake and and echo. Bryce is listening back to this episode. Should have spent more time on Bill Hickman. I wish I would have talked about him. I wish I would have talked about more of the tempinogus massacre. God damn it. So okay. But before we can meet Bill Hickman though, because this is very important. The guy who's throaty slit in the opening scene. That guy's widow shows up. She's at this four, right? And she's like, I just want you to know,

I dedicate about 20 minutes a day, praying that you burn in hell. I don't think 15 minutes would do it. I we tried 16 and it just it felt like we were cheating God on four minutes. So 10 minutes in the, hey, I'm 10 minutes in the PM me and my kids, praying you burdened how, just want you to know.

Right. And then her kids, little like Tom, so your hook, Finn looking kids are like, when we grow up, we're gonna kill you, mister. Oh, so we know you're fucking Brigham Young's daughter. I don't even know how we know that. We do. Also, we just now got the

drop on you. I know you say we're not big enough to kill you with it, but it's not going to be hard when we get there. Like everybody got the drop on you. Our mama got the drop on you with spit. Yeah, exactly. And like, it's amazing too, because like if we're supposed to buy into the character of miles, he is a cold blooded killer. Kill dozens of folk in cold blood so many times. And these little 10 year olds saying they're going to kill him. This guy is shook to the core. Yeah. It was crazy.

Oh my God. But then he finds Bill Hickman. Yeah. And I'm so happy. He might as well file a co-loss suit against these kids with Devon Nunes. Let's set the level. Yeah, these kids are Russian assets now. Yeah.

So, all right. So yeah, he goes inside and he finds Bill Hickman and Bill Hickman. And okay, this is literally my introduction for the next scene. So now, Miles and Bill Hickman, question mark, are going dot, dot, dot, somewhere question mark on a dot, dot, dot, dot something question mark and bills talking about killing folks no idea what's going on in this one. Okay, and just to be clear, because Bryce is about to tell you how much this scene meant to him, what is happening is a man entirely covered in suit is monologue about all the

people he killed in chronological order. First guy killed, well, it wasn't really means Zika virus. I'm not even a Hespa. What's amazing though, it's one of those many like moments in a movie where you show up in a conversation and you're just like a million dollars. If you tell me what question led to that, right? Yeah.

Right. But okay. So I got to talk about Hickman's monologue because he is, I mean, for all his whiskey drunk and super here, he is the most level headed character in the whole movie, right? Because Bill Hickman and Brigham Young historically, they butted heads constantly until Hickman was basically exiled from Salt Lake City. So Bill Hickman goes on a tie raid about killing people and he's like, blood at home, that made it easy. Save a wick of man's soul by spilling his cell, spilling his bloods, raise yourself up in the process, salvation for the victim, exaltation for the slayer.

Good deal for both parties. And he's like, he's saying it like so very tongue and cheek. And then he's finally like someone's trying to kill. Bring him. Fine. Let his blood be shed for a change. And I'm like, I am on board bill. You gentlemen and a scholar, the only person who's got their head on straight. But I do want to drill in just for a second on what exactly is being said here, like this character is just going in and saying like, yeah, no, that was actually literally what we believed is that, you know, we were killing people in a just way, just a reminder, religion is terrifying and we own a state, right?

Yes. Yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah. By the way, if any of you want to go down the, do people go to heaven when you kill them rabbit hole when doing research on the Danites again, on the LDS website, like deep, deep buried along with the is polygamy, okay, stuff is the like fight about whether or not when the Dan Hites killed the wrong people they went to heaven. It is must read TV. Also, I just got to say this scene ends so perfectly because Bill Hickman gives this very emotional model of that price just repeated word for word for you, right? And then Miles goes, I mean, you did get kicked out of Mormonism three times, Bill. You know what I'm saying? You did get kicked out of Mormonism. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Bill's like, yeah, that's fair. Right. And then there's a little bit of revisionism here too, where Miles has to stand there and go, no, but all of that violence that was attributed to him was Brigham Young's various generals acting against his wishes is what it is, right? No, he didn't want you to kill anybody. Yeah. Oh, you killed him for your own gain and then just blame Brigham. No, no, he did not. No, that was the hall because of Brigham.

But okay, so why this scene means so much to me is because I am seeing like my modern self in Bill Hickman screaming at a 12 year old version of myself in miles. Right. Because when he says like, Brigham should die for this. Miles was like clutches. He has to bless for me. And then he's then Bill Hickman's like, I'll tell you what blasphemous is. Turn your backs on those who risk your lives and souls for you.

And then he goes on, he's not a prophet. He's just a man. That's all he is a man who's ready to let you die if it serves his purpose. You're going to break your neck, try to save him. You're blind self-righteous fool. And I am in tears like reliving my childhood through my current eyes at this point. And then Miles tackles him and, uh, it's, it's over. Yeah. Well, though, he's like, he's like, what if I slit your throat?

And he's like to prove that religion doesn't make you crazy and violent. You're going to slit your father's throat. And he goes, fuck, fuck, fuck. He has this great moment. He's like, uh, son, as your dad, can I tell you, you're a little quick on the killing people thing? I can't get a lot of folk and you son are a loose cannon. Yeah. Let me do this as a compliment sandwich. Love the mustache. Uh, you're too fast to kill people. I like your hat. All right. So he leads because Bill Hick was going to be no good and apparently, apparently he went to see Bill Hickman

to help find Porter Rockwell and Bill Hickman said, yeah, he's out in the desert somewhere. Right. That's Golanney. Yeah, beautiful area. Yeah, really narrowed it down for him. Okay, so he's off to find him and just then Miranda shows up dressed like a dude and Miles is very clearly into it.

Right. Okay. My notes for this scene are just who the fuck is this one now? You cannot dress one of your identical scrubby, messy, dusty white women in a different costume. I was going off of wearing a black dress, wearing a gray dress with a white right, right. Yeah, exactly. You know, you're saying that all Mormons look alike? Yeah, I think that's exactly what he was saying. Everyone except that rugby guy. All right. So, yeah, but she shows up and this is such a weird shoehorn kind of thing. Anyway, she shows up and she's like, I've written Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They haven't, they've been trying to kill me this entire movie. She's like, yep, yep, they sure, shit, I didn't have to really ride out. I could have just been dressed like a lady this whole time.

Fuck. Damn. Miles so clearly sucks at his job. So many times, like every scene someone's gotten the drop on him, you know, information travels faster than him on a galloping horse. And he is so easily findable. A teenage girl was able to do it when teenage women weren't allowed to do anything in Utah.

Yeah, it's right. He's terrible. He deserves to be dead at this point. He's a bad soldier. You know, I'll just bad at their job. I hate to blame a grieving widow, but this grieving widow was pretty bad at her job too. Yeah. So she shows up right here as there are about to go out.

She shows up. She's like, I'm sorry shit. I was supposed to When I spit on you earlier and I was telling you about the 10 minutes that I spent in the morning evening I was supposed to give you this book. It's it's and it's necessary for the plot to make any sense going forward Right. This is my husband's journal the journal of the man that you slid his throat in the opening scene of the film. I spit on you again, but it's dusty out here. The one spit is really all I got. Feel like I kind of blew me load with the first thing. Now I'm just giving you a book.

It seems like almost like I forgave you. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I just to be clear, I don't. I just forgot. Look, look, look me, look me right in the eyes, sir. This book is really necessary for the movie that the two of us are acting.

Yes, right. Exactly, exactly. Director says I got to bring you this book for the plot to make sense. We were going to have you like find it at some point, but if you found it on the guy's body, when you cut a throat, it'd be too early in the movie. So this is the only way we could really work this. Yeah.

Right. All right. Well, you know what? Murder is sometimes bad and has consequences as close as we're ever going to get to a moral message in this flick. So we're going to pause there for a break. But first, let me give Axe three the hard sell. Will it turn out that he just murdered the fuck out of an innocent guy?

Couldn't you have just let that innocent guy explain himself that I accidentally just get the drop on him. Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be returned for the soup-centred conclusion of the avenging angel. Okay. First, first shoot joke, man. We are this far in for so you could say you could say it got the drop on you, Bryce. The egg dropped. There's spoon to that joke in there. Oh, come on, somebody laughing my egg drop joke. Come on. You wanted to see me, Jeff. Miles, Miles. Yeah. Come in, have a seat. Thank you kindly. Do you want to want to towel for all the blood all over your hands? Oh no, no, I'm fine. Right. See,

Miles, that's actually why I brought you in today. We really appreciate everything you and Dan that's done for the cause, but your methods are a little How do I put this one note How so okay? Well for example you remember last week when I asked that you oversee that mining negotiation I do Lot of men needed using up that you see that, that's the thing. You murdered everyone involved was, that was not the solution I was looking for. I see. What were you looking for? I don't know negotiation, mediation, something other than shooting them. Got it. Okay. Got it. Or the week before where I told you that field had gone overgrown and needed retelling you well, you, you just shot it a bunch of times. I did. And I'll tell you that field will give you no more problems. But well though, because you can't kill a field.

It's the, you know what never mind. I appreciate your time, Miles. No problem, sir. Hey, boss, sorry, I'm late. Oh, Jedadiah, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. BAM! Ugh! Dammit, Miles! Oh, come on, now that one was obvious.

No, no, it was not obvious. It was obvious to me. Okay. And we're back for still more of this shit. So when we last left off, Miranda and him were setting off to find Porter in the desert. And we're going to rejoin them. Having set off to do that. I love like the first scene here is just all housekeeping of the various fucking characters right where he turns to where he goes like you know I killed your brother like two scenes ago. Should we address

that like this? No, no, any of that have to have a relationship whatsoever. I have 35 more of them fucking. Yeah, who are I exactly? So yeah, they have the, do you love me? Not really conversation. Oh yeah, she's like, I saw who you looked at Eliza Rigby and then like that's, that's a, that's a pretty solid point. Like, I, hey, I'm a teenager. I was using you.

You are using me. Let's just go our separate ways. We can be a booty call once'm a teenager. I was using you. You are using me. Let's just go our separate ways. We can be a booty call once in a while. I know you're going after someone more your age, which in the grand scheme of things, we should probably be much more okay with. I know it's not culturally accepted for you to fuck somebody of your own age, but hey, I'm just a teenager and it's, you know, in historians, looking on this in the future, this is going to look real fucking weird and they're going to write

entire articles and books about how this never actually happened. And yeah, I don't want to be like, I don't want to be a footnote. So, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So they're having this conversation and the movies think, yeah, this is fucking boring. So somebody shoots her in the leg. Literally, they shoot her as though they could not think they're sitting there going like, well, yep, that bad conversation is exhausted. Kapow, I thought genuinely thought for a second that he had shot her in the leg to get out of the conversation. Now, he would have hit her horse. So, yeah, so I think some bad guys are coming up behind him on the horses.

For a moment, we get like the hover bike seen from return of the Jedi, but on horses, so without the suspense, you know? And I love, so Miles eventually, though, he's got a great plan, which is just get off his horse and shoot each one of them as they ride by. Yep, which totes works. Right, like I felt I felt like most you'd get three guys doing that, but who the fuck know, right? Well, he knew, he knew. Yeah, he shoots and or knocks out all the people chasing them. And then the shot shifts immediately to him lecturing 230 other people about how they're in big trouble for shooting Brigham Young's daughter and they

better ski dadddle and how he totally fucking what their ass is. That's the whole scene. Yeah. So after he shot the first three, the rest of them were like, okay, we give up. And he's like, okay, now that you've given up, you ruffians you, I'm going to entrust you with this incapacitated teenage girl in the middle of nowhere. Be sure you take her back to her dad. Right? Yeah. Wow.

And I've never seen an action scene end of this way before in a stern talking to. Yeah. And you know what? More action movies need this. I want the next fast and the furious to end with just Vin Diesel sitting there giving a bunch of like weird cyber terrorists to talking to about family.

And then it's crazy too, because he wraps it up by saying, don't worry about the bleeding and dying daughter of the prophet. I want you to be concerned about me. Yeah, right, right. Just don't, don't come back and, and, and, you know, ambush me or something, because I really am not swinging good on ambushes here. You'll, you'll, you'll kill me. Just, just don't, guys, please. So they take her off to as she's not in the movie now. She's fine. She'll be fine. Don't worry. So then we cut to him. He's out in the canyons looking for Porter Rock. Well, we have this like he rides up to a canyon and like looks into it and goes, nope, he's not in that canyon 81 canyons to go kind of a moment, right?

Yep. And just to make this extra fucking hilarious, this happens at one hour, 13 minutes, almost exactly in the movie, I think he's riding around on his horse and he's canyons and his horse is fucking saddle or something is making the squeaky shoe sound the entire time. And it's goddamn hilarious because they don't acknowledge that he's got that squeaky shoe sound the entire time and it's goddamn hilarious because they don't acknowledge that he's got that squeaky shoe sound going. Anyway, sorry, they do not. It's pretty great.

And then as if looking at a place where there is no one wasn't boring enough, we watch him read. But yeah, I'm not sure that this actor had ever read a book before because he is holding the book at arm's length like he's checking each page to see if it's a magic eye. Well, he just got his lasex surgery. So he's got, you know, he's, he's, I just still trying to get adjusted to it. No, that's exactly. Yeah.

So, okay. So while he's out looking for Porter Rockwell, Porter fucking Rockwell gets the goddamn drop on him. Yep. It's a number of thirds of you. You know that guy's out there. Like, you know that's the one fucking thing that you know about this area is that Porter fucking Rockwell's in it and still he gets the goddamn drop on you.

All right, fine. To be fair, you could make the argument that this movie is about a series of people who have less and less reason to get the drop on him, getting the drop on him. Yes. Yes. They did, of course, this is one of the very few points where they reveal the Mormons on the writing staff to and that this is actually to a Mormon audience because after Port gets a drop on him and like forces the disarms him and stuff, Port offers him whiskey and this is the second time in the movie where he refuses some whiskey. Yeah.

He's such a good Mormon assassin. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. He might murder people, slip. People's throws that are innocent of any wrongdoing, but he does not drink whiskey. God damn it. Yeah. People who the threat that they were to the church was they were the historian. Well, right. Well, yeah. To be fair, he was also making coffee in that moment. Yeah. So. Yeah. All right.

So, but this is also, okay, so we brought around. Well, it's them. They revealed they basically spell out the whole plot, right? They're trying to assassinate. Finally. Yeah. Fucking finally. So apparently Ben Rigby is trying to assassinate Brigham Young so that he'll take over

as the head of the church and the assassin that the main character killed at the very beginning was Brigham Young's ex wife that one of Brigham Young's ex wives so that they could like, you know, blame it on all it was a jilted wife for whatever. That's why they hired her to do the D. That's the whole fucking thing, right? The mystery is resolved. But now he's got to go back and save Brigham young while there's still time. Oh, sorry, we also learn that the gun that he was given by Jeffrey Jones's characters was booby trapped. If he tried to use it, he would have died. This movie is so filled with unnecessary plot points. Oh my god. Yeah. I wanted him to just

like pull out a list and be like, all right, let's see. What else didn't we cover in this book? Hey, this is something guys from the beginning. They're not going to make any sense. Let's kill them a little bit later. Um, why are you in that graveyard? How do we explain why Porter Rockwell was way out in the desert? Um, shit, how do we do this? Oh, let's just have Port tell him that he didn't want to kill him. So he fled everything and knew that that miles would find him out in the desert. Yeah, that'll, that'll hold. Yeah.

Right. Right. Exactly. Look, if people were willing to buy dark night rides, they're willing to buy any fucking thing. So, all right. So, okay, so now they arrive at the house. So the two of them, like they rush off

and they steal a bunch of horses on the way so they can have fresher horses and so that this movie can make the hour and a half run time they were going for whatever, they show up at the summer house where Brigham Young is. Right. Now there are a bunch of different guards,

every which where it's gonna be pretty damn tricky to get in or at least They're gonna sit there for a while and talk about how tricky it should be for them to get in Not so much in reality though. No, but what they do in reality is they open up the horse pen and walk in yep Well, no, no, not quite that he use he opens up the horse pin and then he runs in between the horses to use them for cover. And it's amazing because you see him like run out of the pack of the horses. Very clearly. In front of two guys who are running towards him in the horses. Right, but they're only look, it's like that it's like the when you're counting the

basketball passes and shit. Yeah, look, it's like that it's like the when you're counting the basketball passes and shit. Yeah, exactly. It's like that. When that scene happened, I wanted him to run in front of those guys and be like, I'm a horse. We'll be going inside. All right, my personal.

I mean, we did get the drop on that horse awful fast. Also, the other thing that we have to set up here because this movie has been stupid, but not entirely magical is he turns to Porter and he goes, Hey, aren't you magic? Yeah. And he's like, Oh, yeah. Yeah, we now is the best time for us to mention that in this movie. As long as I never cut my beard or my hair, I can't be killed. Porter is a nasserine. Yeah. Yep.

And the best part is here is the movie, kind of by virtue of saying what they did in the lines reveals how much of a plagiarist Joseph Smith was, right? Yeah. Because Miles is like, he's like, cutting out your hair and you'll, you know, whatever it judges chapter 16 verse 17. And Porter looks at him. He's like, is that where that comes from? You know, Joe told me a long time ago that if you don't cut your hair, you'll be invincible.

Well, he ain't been wrong yet. It's like, oh, Joseph, just stole that shit. Yeah, right. Right. I better not think about that when I'm trying to fall asleep tonight. So, yeah. So and then, of course, okay. So he sneaks into the house despite the fact that he is already snuck into the house.

He being miles, Porter's job is to ride around and shoot at some of the more explosion barrels that they brought with them. Yeah. The campfires with dynam they brought with them. Yeah. The campfires with dynamite at the bottom. Exactly. Yes. The dynamite campfires that they've got going. He's got to shoot a few of those so that everyone will be looking at him instead of

the house where miles already broke in. Right. And poor here, this is crazy, right? Because there's the prophecy that he'll never, no blader bullet will harm him. And every Mormon knows this, that he was never shot or stabbed his entire life. The prophecy, it's one of Joe's few prophecies that actually came true. Port gets shot like 19 times here, just riddled with bullets and I screamed. No, border can't die. Completely lost in the movie, right? And they don't reveal it immediately. He falls off his horse and they cut back to miles and I'm like, no, no, what?

But Porter, Porter can't get shot. He's like, he's the hero of the story. And then I realized like, oh, he's also a fucking mass murderer. Yeah, right. No, he's not a hero of the hit. But okay, I got lost in it. He had been wearing a bullet proof fast. It's a good thing no one shot in his head. Yeah, one of those knee fight chest plates. Yeah, exactly, exactly. He just happened to have one of those sitting around. So and then all the guards and he wakes up and all the guards are like, wait, aren't you

Porter Rockwell son of Thunder and he's like, I am and they're like,, well, why are you're a good guy? What the hell are you doing here? He's like, well, sit right back and I'll spin you a yarn about what this year movie is all about now. Yeah, let's give this movie credit. This movie ends in action seen with a talking to end in explanation. We need 20 minutes of each other. Also, just a side note on that Porter Rockwell, like being bulletproof and knife proof thing, that's fucking awesome because the chances are that guy got shot or stabbed some time, right? Which means he had to spend his whole life being like, nope, they didn't get me. This is from shaving. Oh, I was shaving my stomach. Yeah, it was saving the stomach earlier today.

I sure no, I wasn't because that would be a haircut. I was it's looking your dad. I don't know. I'm going to go. And we cut away from Porter having this talking to of these guys who just shot him. Yeah. And he must have had to say something along the lines of you're about to hear a whole bunch of gunshots happen inside the

house. Don't worry about that. Right. Yeah. It's my guy put on another pot of coffee boys. Yeah. Well, that coffee, but you know, yeah. But okay. So yeah, meanwhile, Miles is going through the house. One of the bad guys shoots at him through the wall, but he shoots at him even shoot you through the wall. So he wins. Yeah, sneaking with spurs, by the way. Yeah. Click, click, click.

So, all right. So Miles goes into Brigham Young's office. He's like, Brigham Young, I've made it all the way to your office. Everything will be fine. But the chair spins around. And if it isn't fucking Jeffrey Jones doing the chair spin of malevolence, there is like, yes, indeed you are. Okay. But most importantly, it is a failed chair spin. And that is so vital. He made it about three quarters to nine tenths of the way around and then he has to do the like little tippy toes thing.

He's like, yes, tippy tippy tippy tippy. And then he goes too far. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's such this this brought it all home where I was like, oh my God, this movie, it's like right on the edge of being self-aware bad, but not quite there. It doesn't go over the edge. It's just, it's just bad. I wanted Jeff Jones to accidentally hit the sink lever. All the sudden his chair drops down. Sorry. I got to stand up. Now it's too tall. You know what? Just come with with me. I'm gonna kill the prophet. But here's the thing though,

but here's the most important part of it though. Let's not lose sight of the fact that Jeff Jones just got the goddamn drop on him. He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he explains he's like, you see this whole fucking movie. The plot is that we're going to kill Brigham Young, yes, but we needed a pat sea to blame it all on and you were fucking his daughter. And since everyone in the entire United States of America knows that you are fucking his daughter, this will be fine. It's like you own the police. It doesn't really fucking matter.

But okay, sure, why not? Right. And he's like, you survived our little ambush. I realized I can't extinguish you. I can use you. It's like, apparently, like you're a half-wit because we got the drop on you. I mean, about three dozen times by this point. But apparently everybody else that's a Danide is just a quarter-wit and they just cannot, cannot, apparently, yeah, can't get you. But then this is where we deal with brother Parker, the guy who's throat, he fucking cut at the beginning of the movie, right? Yeah. Yeah. So it turns out that he was just a historian who figured out about this plot and then tried to run off. And so when this, when this fucking day and

night shows up to slit his throat throat rather than saying, I know about a plot to kill Brigham Young. He just says, but you don't understand. I should explain to you in long form, though, and then get just throw cut. And what's amazing about this too is a Milton Long here had some grand plans for the church, right? Free trade, private ownership, had some grand plans for the church, right? Free trade, private ownership, mining, and miles replies with changes that make you a wealthy man. And he says, oh, yes, I believe they will. And I was hoping that the historian would bend a little church doctrine.

Milton Lung just described the church in the 1870s. Right. Right. Brigham Young died in the 1% with something like $1.6 million that he made off of the backs of people who starved to death for decades. Like this guy was close to Rockefeller rich in the 1870s. I mean, he had an estate of $40 million in 2019 money. Jesus Christ. Right. You didn't need to bend the church to make it more capitalist. Like, Brigham had done it so well.

Right. Well, that's king. That's the thing is that basically they were like, so you were trying to set yourself up to be Brigham young. Brigham, exactly. Brigham, brigham, brigham. You can't Brigham young harder than Brigham young already. Yeah, right.

Have you been have you seen you talk? Do you live here, buddy? No, as we're about to learn in the next scene. Yeah, okay. So all right. So now Jeff Jones is like now you will go with me to see Brigham Young. And I will shoot Brigham Young and blame it on you. And he's like, I don't want to, but he has to because that's where the last part of the movie is. So he gets there and Jeff Jones is like, Hey, you know, this is the man that killed your son. And we caught him. He was trying to kill you. But don't worry. I disarmed him. But bring him young clever motherfucker that he is slips a gun to miles because he's figured out the whole goddamn plot. He's a prophet. He saw a whole thing coming. That must have been it.

Okay. The whole time this scene is setting itself up where Brigham Young is like, miles, I'm disappointed in you. I forgive you. And I'm writing in my notes like Brigham Young never forgave anybody. Like the fact that he hasn't murdered this guy immediately is the most unrealistic part of the movie and it has a magic neophyte who can't cut his hair in his bulletproof and then he opens his jacket and there's a gun in there and I was like, okay, got to give it to this movie. That is very Brigham Young. Yeah.

It is like, oh no, see, I was using forgiveness this misdirection for you to murder a guy for me. That's prettydirection for you to murder a guy for me. That's pretty friggin' fucking young. Let's young it up as we can. That's pretty, that's a cheap friggin' young. That's true. That's true. Nailed it.

The young family crest is opening your jacket so you someone else can shoot a guy for you. Doing a briggum as they call it in Utah. Yeah, that's doingin' a Brigham. Then they end the scene, of course, the way that Brigham and Miles first met with here, boy, take my hand as the camera zooms in close on their Masonic handshake. Oh, is that what? Okay.

Yep. Totally. Yeah. And the same thing with Miles and Porter right before they broke into the house, too. Oh, yep. And also, by the way, he gets now, the gets the job of the guy he just killed. I'm, I'm going to throw this out there. Never take a job that you got by killing the guy who had that job, right? Like that's just a bad policy. Mm-hmm. Good life insurance. Yeah. So, okay. So now it's time for him to go arrest Rigby, the guy who is at the Center of this whole plot, this whole

Attempted coup. Right. And also is the husband of the chick that he wanted to fuck from earlier. And this this part is like, oh, Fuck. Okay. So they foiled the Brigham Young plot. Shit. How are we gonna deal with the other guy? We introduced a villain early on. Fuck. How are we gonna deal with the other guy? We introduced a villain early on. Fuck, what are we gonna do about him? Oh, he's batshit crazy. That's an easy way to handle this guy. Yep, yep. He's standing there yelling.

He's standing in the middle of the temple from the beginning, just yelling his sermons into the middle distance. Yeah, right. We're like, off screen, he found out that he was going to be in a bunch of trouble and lost his mind. And then we have this like long like moment where Miles wants to shoot him and Eliza won't let him because she has to save his soul or whatever. It's like he's already he's slid the guys throat from the beginning. This is like at least let

him kill the bad person. But no no it's the weirdest moment he goes you're trying to save his soul and she goes no I'm trying to save yours and literally everyone in the movie including the babbling madman on the floor turned to her and they're like i don't think this is gonna do it i gotta be sure ha ha ha ha This doesn't seem, this doesn't seem like a last court last in first. That's that's a, that's putting out the Australia fires with a thimble honey. It's not going to do anything with this. Either, either there's not this much forgiveness or there's this much forgiveness plus killing

this guy, right? Like, that that's that's where we're at. And then and then, but okay, greatest thing about this fucking movie. I watched it on YouTube and the YouTube video that I watched of it had the first 10 minutes of the movie just like moving around again at the end of it. So I thought there were still 10 more minutes of the movie the whole time and then it was just over and I was like wow awesome and Charlton Heston not in the credits oh

Really he didn't want it yet. He saw the movie. Yeah All right, so look if I had to gas it the moral of this story I would say It's something like Don't kill people until you know they need a good killing unless Brigham Young tells you to do it. Is that about right? I mean, is there a better way to go with that? I think that was the first motto of Mormonism. No, that was the second. The first one was that with Joseph Smith. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like this movie was all about how all of the bad guys were bad guys and all of the good guys were actually

worse guys. Yeah. Because like in the grander scheme of things, like the people at the top of the Utah Theocratic Empire were evil mother fuckers. Right? And like I could never imagine a story or a timeline where Porter Rockwell could be portrayed as a good guy, but I'll be damned if this movie didn't somehow do that. I also never could envision a movie where Bill Hickman would be the most relatable character, but God damn it. Like he's shown a spotlight on the problems of the whole fucking theology

and the idea and the history of Utah and like fuck, he caused me to like, lose some sleep a couple of nights. Damn. And yeah, fuck Utah, fuck Mormonism, but hey, we got a lot of really good shots of scenery there. It's beautiful state. No it is, it is. It's prettier than I thought it would be. Yeah, that obviously is the best moral that you can take away from this is Utah. It's beautiful state. No, it is. It is. It's prettier than I thought it would be. Yeah, that's that,

that obviously is the best moral that you can take away from this is Utah. Pretty cool. You think what it's fucked. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So Bryce, um, I can't take it enough for London to show wisdom here. Like literally it would have been me and Eli would have been like fucking two hours of meeting. Like going, what? I guess was. No, it was, it was, it was, it's Dan one of the people. He's Dan. That is a big beard.

What the fuck? Yeah. So, so quick, remind the listeners that aren't new to our show. If they want to hear more from you, where should they go? Yeah. Mormon history is naked Mormonism and Mormon headlines is Glassbox podcast. And of course, thanks for having me on. I, in spite of the terrible morals of the movie.

I had a lot of fun today. I actually had quite a bit of fun with this one as well. So thanks for recommending it as well. And of course, well, that doesn't for a review of the avenging angels. That's not going to do it for the episode. Just shit because we still need to mournment it to fuck up next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Something, man, I figure it out.

It's been a, it's been a long week. Yeah, we are recording this in January, but you know what? I'll forgive you. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up a episode number. I had a long week too. To a merciless close, we're not gonna use the things. All the Patreon dollars help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can prepare episode on initiativepatre.com slash got off. And thereby earn an access to an

add free version of every episode. You can also help attempt by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and pushing it to show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our siblings shows the scaling of the Ascitation Needed and the Skeptocrat available wherever podcast limb. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions you can email got off on movies to gmail.com legal services for this podcast for part of the love this is a be-end retort. Tim Robbins and taking care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and the people who drafts on Mars Hall of the Music

was written and performed by our audio engineer Gordon Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Rady Live Hosting. I'm an Olufz. It's a promise to work harder or another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Eliza Rigby went on to campaign for the first Utah State Senate. She got more votes than her husband and was elected the first female senator of the United States. Rue Shit! Briegum Young went on to insist that there were people who lived on the goddamn Sun and unless you believed that there are, you have to admit that it was a full of shit crazy person at best. The Mormon church would go on to make $100 billion very, very slippery.

I was topical when we recorded it or close to close to the lines. Come on. Yeah. Still a hundred billion dollars. Yeah. No, no, it's less money. We'll do a month now. She's a badass.

Yeah. Yeah. I believe I said and and coughed in there. You wanted us to keep your cough. Yeah. You really wanted to say 15 ums before you made your point. Yeah. Well, I don't want other podcasters to think I can go all that way without saying ums. So, all right, it's weird to attack Andrew when he's not here like that.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh Morgan, so happy right now. Morgan's just happy right now. Morgan's just overjoyed at that one. But preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.