God Awful Movies - 251: One Man's Treasure

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

On this week’s episode: We team up with Uncle Mark, Uncle Dan, and Uncle Doug from The How-To Heretic for a review of One Man's Treasure. If you loved National Treasure 2, but you missed the logical deductions of Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, you will love this movie. --------------------- Check out Uncle Mark, Uncle Dan, and Uncle Doug on The How-To Heretic podcast here: https://howtoheretic.com/ Follow them on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/howtoheretic --------------------- Get great deals while supporting the show by checking out our sponsors: https://boxofawesome.com (and enter promo code AWFUL at checkout) https://getquip.com/awful --------------------- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

You know what? He's saying a totally different version of that song than I learned. Do you remember it? Oh, I remember my version of the song. You guys sing all different versions. Go to a song, pay your singing. Go. Number one, Joseph Smith and Greg Amman. Taylor games third, we know. And Wilford Woodruff, Lorenzo Snow. Okay, we should stop now. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be is my good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how's it going buddy? I'm fantastic. Well, okay, while you're hearing me,

I'm probably sleep deprived and covered in my newborn son's feces, but while I'm recording this, I'm great, Keith, and right, I'm recording this, I'm great. Miracle of child and great. Good decision, you made a great decision. Quick reminder for this episode, we're recording this in February,

so if any of the jokes seem a little dated. That's because Dan was telling them and speaking of which, 1500 miles to my left, Eli made that joke for me. I don't know. I just read it to my snuck that in there and I just read it like, Ron fucking burgundy. It's fine. Snuck that in there and I just read it like, Ron fucking burgundy. It's fine. So you started to hear everybody. They're sitting about 1500 miles to my left. We have an experienced team of podcasting Mormon apostates, experienced God awful movies,

guest massacres, and the leaders of the only x-rated tour of Salt Lake City's Temple Square. Doug Mark and Dan, gentlemen, welcome back. Thank you. The X rated tour has gotten less fun because the temple grounds are now under construction, but we'll still do it. Yeah. Dicks out everybody. Dicks out.

Here's a back door. Come on. How bad do you want to like pull some fake black bones that you smuggled in out of the ground and be like, oh, my God. Yes, I'm going to have to walk past and start chucking like bones and shit over the side into the hole that they've dug just just for that reason. There's earthquake proofing the temple, which seems like a staggering lack of confidence to me. Yeah. Yeah.

It's almost worth it to make a golden plate that just says backsees on the gay stuff based on how seriously I know the Mormon church would have to take it. All right. Let's talk about the movie. So tell us Mark, what movie are we going to be breaking down today? We're a little bit about okay. We watched another man's trash or as an Amazon and system calling it one man's treasure. The 2009 not a hit, Mormon missionary movie about history is most uninteresting scavenger

hunt that nobody asked for and nobody saw and wow, you can really feel that non-passion throughout this tour to board. Aggressively non-passionate. Yes. It's not passionate for Mormons, which is saying something because if there's one thing Mormons can do, like Mormon men can cry, but not apparently if they're actors. Yeah. It's a passionate is a Mormon marriage. if they're actors. Yeah. It's a passionate, it is a Mormon marriage. That's how much. Yeah. Perfect. And speaking of which following up on what you

already heard, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Nicholas Cage's desperate pitch scripts for national treasure, too, but you missed the logical deductions of Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day three. You will love this movie. This is the movie version of watching a couple cheated charades. By the way, I feel like you guys tell me if this is true or not. This is definitely you guys as kids setting up treasure hunts using the book of Mormon to figure out the mystery. Like you did that, right?

You know, I know that that should happen. I didn't participate in that, but literally, I think you've nailed it. Mormons have because they can't like do anything fun. Yeah. They have to create games for themselves at all times. So yeah, I'm guessing that this arose when some idiots were playing at some sca. So yeah, I'm guessing that this arose when some idiots were playing some scavenger hunt and they were like, this would be the best movie. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. The difference is it's grownups in this movie, not you as kids. Yeah, that's the difference. They made this. Ish. Yeah. Yeah. I would rather watch all of these people just play Candyland. So it doesn't make sense. That's going to be turning out the way it is. All right. Is there anything you guys would like to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at? I would like to go with best worst fitting clothes.

That's a good one. The tightest fitting outfit in this travesty is like a laundry bag for dirty fumigation tents. Eli's missionary outfit at the Salt Lake live show, if you weren't there, you missed it. It was amazing. Was painted on compared to the poly blend car trovers. These poor dopes were drowning in.

Oh, yeah. They had the ties were like in binoculars like spinnaker ties. I was that a thing in 2009, were they that big? Costuming by the heart disease section of the local morgue. It's fucking insane. What you guys don't realize is that at any given time, any Mormon can raise their tie as a sale.

And suddenly, you know, they've got a jib going and they can get away power of submarine across the Atlantic. Yeah. Yeah. So I want to nominate this for being the best worst lighting I've ever seen in a film. They had two instruments to light this whole movie, a big lighter and a 3,000 watt xenon super trooper. They may have tried somebody's iPhone flashlight at some point, but it didn't do anything. So these guys, what's amazing is that they kept putting a dark-skinned guy right next to

a light-skinned guy, which they did not know what to do with. So you either have a white guy sitting next to a hole in the space-time continuum or a black guy sitting next to the comforting glow of an arc welder. You could have actually said, Dan, you could have just stopped after what's weird is they kept putting a dark skin guy right like a sexual lifestyle guy. I just stopped there in some Mormon movie. Okay, I want to nominate it for best worst unnecessary animal cameos. Animals make two surprising appearances in this film, one stupid and one that is haunting

me right now. You see one way one that I can't think about every time I call this spider and birds. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I think you was talking. You wait. I was so you weren't talking about the the middle aged Mormon lady. Oh, no. That's fair. And then of course, I was going to give it best worst wacky foreigner. Who's the wacky foreigner? They went with British for their wacky foreigner character. Oh, right. And then we're four days into shooting before they realize that both Americans and British people speak English. So all their hilarious foreigner set pieces, we're going to be met with the stone cold silence that we will see in this movie. We'll get to it. We will get to it. It's fine. It's fine. She only did the accent about 30

percent of the time. It's not like that. All right. Well, it's time for some Mormon national treasure. Get excited. So also get ready to find, I guess, a billion dollars of fraudulent charity money at some point. It'll be fun. But before we talk about that, we're going to take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about one man's treasure.

All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for one man's treasure. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for one man's treasure. I'm not gay anymore. Wow. Okay. That's quite call back. I mean, in my defense, we recorded this episode and sing over me next to each other. So it's a lot of fresher nailed it. If you well, I'm sure whoever got it, you know, they liked it. Thank you. Perfect. Okay.

Anyway, so here's what I was thinking for the movie. Do you guys know, you know, national treasure, right? I sure do. Yeah. Well, that's what our movie should be like. Also, heroes will explore all the historical sites of ancient Maroni. Exactly. You know, they can find like Nephi's sword and the ancient ruins, the Lamanites and the

budget bill. Yeah, yeah, brother Steven. Okay. It has just been brought to my attention that there are no historical things about a religion in real reality. It's really none like zero. Yeah, really. There's nothing.

Super duper none. None. Yeah. All right. So instead, we're going to go with like zero. You guys are pot like nothing. Oh, yeah, 100 percent move past. I, all right. All right. New, new plan. We're going to do a Pennsylvania scavenger hunt related to a gangland murder, but we will not show anything about the murder just the second, the Pennsylvania Gavin John.

I like that. Yeah, sounds good. That sounds terrible. I'm still a little gay. You know. Hey, Noah, little help, little help. You want me to get you down from the rope? Yes, please.

I tangled it. It's kind of hurt. All right, I will get you down again, but you need to stop finding reasons to lower yourself into our house through the seal. If your mailbox is anything like mine, Noah, I think you're gonna just go right into it. You're not gonna take a second to catch your breath or anything?

If your mailbox is anything like mine, Noah, 90% of the time, it's a fairly depressing place. You have political flyers, utility bills, unholy amounts of coupons. I prefer a holy amount. But once a month, I actually do have a reason to be stoked and a reason to pop in through your ceiling, and that's because of my box of awesome from Bespoke Post. What's a box of awesome from Bespoke Post?

It's exactly what it sounds like, Noah. Bespoke Post sends you the best stuff every month, and no matter what you're into, box of awesome has you covered. From style and grooming goods, to barwear, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, box of awesome has carefully built collections for every part of your life. My favorite box from this month is called the Drambox. It's perfect for whiskey fans like me, who, you know, might want to learn to occasionally drink it in a classier way than just buy itself in a sippy cup that you got at a garage sale.

The Drambox comes with whiskey glasses, jumbo ice ball molds for making the proper oversized whiskey rocks syrup for making an old-fashioned and a field guide. Okay, but what if you're not a whiskey person? They actually release a new set of boxes every month across a ton of different categories. This month, maybe check out the Terra box if you're into hiking and camping. Or maybe just think of someone anyone in your life who might enjoy a bunch of really cool whiskey stuff, either way. Okay, so how do I get started?

Just go to boxofawesome.com, take the quiz, and your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. It's free to sign up, and you can skip a month or cancel anytime. Each box is only $45, but has over $70 worth of gear. And right now, our listeners get 20% off their first monthly box when they sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code Awful at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com. Code Awful for 20 checkout. That's boxawossom.com. Code awful for 20% off your first box.

You got it. Now, can you help me back into my rig? Just go out the front door. I want to use the rig, I set up the rig. It's just, your thighs are super chafy. None, the less. All right. And we're back.

And this movie starts with, and spoiler it continues with, and ends with just so much bicycle riding. They're convinced that that is going to carry the movie. Uh, point of order, at some point the bicycles are on top. I'm just, I'm that is true. That is true. And the music here is pretty sure that these two Mormon teenagers are biking away from Soran. It's unclear that the music really doesn't make me. Oh my God. Yeah. My note is missionary impossible here for the music.

It's very exciting orchestration. It's like the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean, but it was composed by the disgruntled flute player so that they're all these drills. Very exciting. It's a small thing, but they're supposed to be, I think, in some Pennsylvania or Rust belt hellhole, yet all the part cars in this bike chase have Utah plates. I'm sorry. The illusion was totally shattered

for me. Oh, see, that, that's what took you out of this particular great film. I get it. Yeah, I get it. The license plates. The license plates were the coffee cup to your game of thrones that it's not. You know when these filmmakers were looking at these, the daisies of these bicycle tracking shots, they could hear the thunderous applause that can film festival ringing in the news. I'm telling you guys, the first one to win all the awards was called the bicycle thing. We're going to cry. This whole movie though, I was rooting so hard for a violent bike accident that they would just show us like, just kind of almost weeping and like huge amounts of skin ripped up and then just keep going with the movie just one time. No. So yeah, they make

it home from their long day of bike racing and they get a call from the mission. Yeah. I just have a quick note when we go inside the sass, why have a couple notes about it? Here's the first one and then I'll stop. Doug, and so if you guys don't know, Doug was a missionary of all of us who use the single missionaries. So, do missionaries have pot racks? I cannot continue if people really think that missionaries have fucking pot racks. Look, two things. Do you really need a rack for a single pot?

I don't have app pot let alone many pots and it's a state-tire rack. You know, being the only one of us that was a return missionary, I want to go back in time and find myself wallowing in Honduras and just say to myself, buddy, hang in there. This is all gonna be worth it for a very unexpected reason. I've decided that every anomaly, every weird thing that doesn't make any sense in this film was 100% on purpose and loaded with meaning. Therefore, the empty cabinet that was inexplicably left open behind Elder So-and-So as he talked on the phone is clearly a metaphor for the emptiness cabinet that was inexplicably left open behind elder so and so as he talked on the phone is clearly a metaphor for the emptiness of his soul. Whoa.

Yeah. I'm going to get more of this. This happens. There's inexplicable stuff left on set throughout, and I believe it all means something. I think you're probably not right, but that's going to. I'm going to ask you about the metaphor behind a few things as we get to it. That's what you get around.

Please do. I'm working on my master's thesis on this anyway, so it'll all help. All the questions help. But the thrust of the scene is that elder token person of color is being transferred over to a new missionary place. And he's acting like a cop who's being asked to turn in his badge and gun about it. And he's getting transferred along with the other kind of manish character, right? So it's, it's going to be elder Johnson, the like uptight

white guy. And he's being transferred and partnered with elder Serath, who is, I believe, Indian, Indian American. Yeah, and of course the only missionary of color is named elder Serath. What? Was elder Safran Valley taken? So I just want to jump back to the kitchen for just a second because this movie is so fucking cheap. It is crazy. It's like Roger Corman would not make this movie. So aside from

the the super slash these 70s porn setup lighting that Uncle Dan is very upset about in this movie, did you notice how elder Johnson and elder Alveteeth are having a conversation in the kitchen, but they're never in the same shot. This is because when you don't pay your actors and they can't get the same days off work, they can't be in the shot together. It goes like cut the one, cut the other, it's beautiful, super beautiful. Oh, all right. So yeah, with that dramatic attention established, they've been transferred to the dark, dark gangland that is Bristol, Pennsylvania. Am I wrong about that? Where do they have this? Bristol, Pennsylvania. Okay, Bristol, Pennsylvania. All I know, look, I didn't,

they didn't, did they say the word Pennsylvania? I don't know. No, you have to paste that together, but it is Bristol. I did a lot of research to figure this out. It went to much time. I looked at, I knew that I know that there are bristles in like 20 of the states in the US, but here's the thing. When they're trying to show us what this new town looks like, they start by cutting to a toxic waste dump. Is that what it was? It was like a swamp with like shit floating in it and like a 1980s, like superhero climbing his way out of it.

And it was like, it was like sunrise over the swamp where the sopranos dumped the asbestos. It was. But then the rest of the movie, and this is what confused me, Heath, is, I don't, I had to look up the 20 bristles as well. And the aerial shots that they got for free somewhere that are half this movie look like, you know, it's the the biopic of Thomas Jefferson. It's like this beautiful, the killing countryside. And then they cut to like the streets are like from the wire. Right. It's literally like New England charm. Oh, wait, no, there's garbage on the street. Oh, wait, no, it's Mr.

Rogers neighborhood. Oh, wait, no. Yeah. We have to justify that we send missionaries to this place. So every time we have to show something bad, too much Jefferson, go back to the toxic waste for a second. Yeah. Yeah. I think that Uncle Doug can verify that they don't care how bad it is to send a, they'll still send a missionary there. Oh no. No. When you have a hundred billion dollars in the bank, you can pretty much set your white stock anywhere you want. Not worry about it. Don't they send missionaries to like provo sometimes? Like, sometimes they do.

What the fuck? Yeah, that's not the mission you want. Oh, I guess I'll see you this weekend, mom and dad. It's like a half hour. Nice little drive. Don't go to go to Honduras. Get the clap. So, yeah, now we see them at their new mission and they're waking up and praying and I wrote in my notes, it wouldn't be a Mormon

movie without white boys kneeling. And by the way, the music playing on his alarm clock is the music I'll be listening to when I slip a shotgun barrel into my God. Interesting. So you're going to do the shotgun thing on hold with like customer service and airline. Don't you think about it every time you're on hold with customers? Yeah, that'll teach us. Also I know I should be used to it by now, but I will never be ready in Mormon movies for the framed headshots of the prophet in every Mormon dorm. I'll never be ready. No. Headshots of the profit in every Mormon dorm. I'll never be ready. And I'm following on that to any fellow gay guys who labor under the fantasy that somehow

a bunch of repressed man boys stuck together on a Mormon mission is somehow hot. Don't watch this movie. It will kill that and the rest of your dreams along with it. Yeah. This movie is the dreams of the back of the ego versus the actual back of the ego. That's right. What I love about this movie though, it's full of so much Mormon missionary, Bayer, inside baseball. I couldn't help loving the fact that the only people who know what's going on are return missionaries and you guys.

Yep. Yeah. From a few tunes with four or five Mormon movies. I know what you fucking much like. For example, 6 30 AM is in the mission handbook as wake up time. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. And yeah, the point of this scene is that Elder Johnson sure is a stickler about that

alarm watch of his and that, by the way, will be as close to tension as this movie ever gets. Yeah. Oh, except that these two clearly for the entire duration of the film, hate each other. To test each other. Like, with a loathing that amounts to absolute, like, inferno, it is amazing. And even when they, like, are supposed to be making up at the end and like having a, like, rich tender moment with each other, you still feel the seeding underneath.

And the only emotion that Elder Johnson ever expresses is anger. Yeah. I mean, if there was a vaccine for charisma, Elder Johnson took all of it. But can I just say that that I think this is pretty woke for a Mormon movie because Elder Johnson hates Elder Serath on the merits. And not because his people were neutral in the war on heaven, therefore the curse of pain, he's almost black. So that's pretty woke. I don't think you can say it's not because of that. It's just in addition, there's also the merit thing. Yeah, if there had been a scene where he was like, why are you always so hard on me? And he

had been like, well, maybe if you'd listened to Alma, I don't want to do this. Also, just one other question about this handbook, you guys could clear up for me. Maybe they talk about personal study times, so like 6 30 AM is wake up and then whatever you all like pretend you're not jerking off in different corners of your little weird house. And then personal study, and it's announced, he's like personal study is the book of Mormon right now. Is it ever not that? They never like check the Quran during personal study. Okay. That's what I want. No, yeah. Do you want to read the Dune series during your personal

time? No, of course not. It's the fucking Book of Mormon every day, every fucking day, two years in a row. Fuck off. And can I just help paint a picture for everybody here? They're the house they live in. Their house is a pile of busted cupboards from a dick and story and lion green paint that doesn't go all the way to the floor of the ceiling. Oh my God, that kitchen is chroma key green. I was thinking maybe they were hoping that they would green screen in a better movie. And speaking of that kitchen, it's time to meet our two wacky sidekicks who I refuse to learn their names, but they will be in my notes hungry guy and nonverbal human. I love hungry guy.

I was, I was calling your, your friend nonverbal. I was calling elder 45 year old because what the fuck? Yeah, nonverbal Kent. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, so hungry guy is looking for food and nonverbal guy is okay. So we should probably talk about this character for a second because his portraiture is haunting, right? Hungry guys like, oh boy, I sure would like a sandwich. Where I gonna sh- where I gonna do? I get it, you can't fuck your wife and do outfit stuff.

This is what comes to comedy. But not for a bull guy, I think they were going for like, stupid character, but what they landed on is like, severe brain trauma. Didn't we get that from you? Oh yeah, 100%. Yeah, he's not doing well, but hunger guys excited for breakfast. Excited is it might be not the right word. He is foraging like a fucking rabid rock. Who valid valid. And I think that's fair because they see this

this seems to be their list of supplies. I'm looking at this breakfast table and it has milk, chocolate milk, chicken broth in those little boxes. Yep. And toothbrushes. What the fuck was happening? I want to point out that could be you say broth, I get it, but it could also be that almond milk and like soy milk come in those boxes as well. I'm thinking it's an assortment of milks. Wow. I think I think almond and soy milk are two gay for Mormons. They're not. I'm going back to my theory that everything means something. When you've got big jug of milk, you've got the brown milk, right? You've got, we're representing our house member.

Chocolate milk is the Lamanites. Got it. You got, you got that. And then you've got two guys who are just a watered down sad version of a real person. So you drink the milk of your color. That makes sense. And what are the toothbrushes represent? That's for you to figure out. Jeannis coming down to cure the lame. And speaking of which, it's time for some weird conversion one-uping. And I have, I was so depressed that I got all of these references back and forth about, I'm going to get this many conversions. I'm going to get this many. Well, Wilford Woodruff got 3,500 people on his trip to England. I just want to point out like Mormons, you should not be bragging about the guy who thought New York was going to be destroyed by an earthquake while he was

alive. Wait, did he do that? Yes. Well, for Woodruff goes to England, gets a whole bunch of Mormons comes back and he's like, well, the earth is going to end. And Brigham Young, by the way, is like, he's right, the earth is going to fucking end. You guys should all turn in your money, which I should point out is about to get real fucking slippery. Also, Wilford Woodruff, just for the reference, looks like Jean-Velgeon trying to keystre those silver candlesticks the bishop gave him. Also, just one more question on this scene. We watch, I think it was elder nonverbal Kent.

Take out his book of Mormon. Do you keep it in a trapper keeper from the 90s? Is that normal? Your book of Mormon goes in that like armored zip up case with like, that's the triple combo, baby. Okay. It is literally every one of us owned one of those. Oh, I don't know why. I thought that when you, by the time you're a missionary,

I feel like you should have it sewn onto your skin just so that it's constantly. Yeah, it's the, what is it, the book of Mormon, the Pearl Gray Price and the Doctrine and Covenants on. Yep. And the Bible, you, that's the quad. Oh, that's the triple combo. Yeah, okay's the, what is it, Doug? The book of Mormon, the Pearl Gray Price and the Doctor in Covenant's office. Yep. And the Bible, you, that's the quad. Oh, that's the triple combo. Yeah, okay, fine. That might have been the quad, Doug. What do you think? Yeah, here in the quad, here on quad talk.

So now it's time to go over and check on the lady missionaries. Why we'll call throughout this movie sister English and sister, not the English one. Yeah, I call her sister fake spear. I just want to say about her, the only high stakes gamble this movie makes is having a totally random lady missionary for no discernible story reason, try to affect an English accent. And she had obviously never heard of a native Brit or heard a Brit speak before. Does not know there's a thing called Britain. Does not know why the language she sort of speaks is called English. She can't differentiate between light and shadow. Like this was their devil. I don't think it

worked, guys. I'll bet you that no one even asked her to do the English accent that she just started to make it better. I don't know. I'll say this. I was once on a film set for a very dumb pilot for a movie or not for a show. And I was, it was all supposed to be improvised. It was a cooking show.

So it was a reality thing. And we were all supposed to be improvising. And I made a joke before we started shooting and I needed to use a British accent for the punchline and the producer was like, oh, you do a British accent and made me fucking do it for the entire show. So like I know what I mean struggle is real producers are notoriously stupid about this sort of thing. She may have been ambushed on this one you guys. I'm just saying was the show called herb your enthusiasm by any chance. That's so much better than what I was going to say. That I was on that one as well though, but I had to do an impromptu Brooklyn accent. Her British accent is so bad it makes makes, makes Peter Dinglitches in Game of Thrones seem good. There I said, this fucking accent sucked. How dare you, how dare

you? He didn't quit that final season. He was so nice in all those interviews when they asked him how many people were going to like the show. So I will not go down the watch Peter Dinglitch be interviewed about the last season rabbit hole. It was talked to me about that. I know he's not on this episode. It's a saying to YouTube. It's fine. It's fine. But yeah, the whole point of this scene is the girls are talking about elder Johnson. Sure is a tight ass, huh? Oh, sure he is. And that's the point of the scene. That's it. Well, except that they also, it's like elder Johnson's kind of cute, right? And it was just one of those moments where they're trying to toy with the idea that missionaries

are sexual beings, but they know they're not allowed to say that. But it really did have a feel of like, I need to go home and dry out my garments. Yeah. And what I thought was hilarious was when Sister fake spear who is not English, she's asking the other one about elder Johnson and she says, he's quite and there's a long pause organized. Isn't he? And I'm like, well, that's code for gay, right? Is it true? Oh, is that if he's threw out this whole move, threw out the entire movie, their code for

Johnson's gay. Like everything is, Johnson is clearly trying his damnedest not to be caught. Yeah. Yeah. Probably has to have such a strict schedule. I felt seen. So now it's time to check back in on the missionaries and gosh darn it. Johnson and Sarah Femme or whatever the fuck his name is. Just can't get along. And the only thing I want to point out about this scene is that we learned that Serava Doops nickname is Pakistani Jones. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

Yeah. That's a he. Guys, he's from India and American. You couldn't make him Indian and done. Jones is Joe Jesus Christ. No, I just liked that they opened the scene with a little quick round of one person basketball where they were like quick brown guy, be the hoop. So I guess it's it falls to me to describe this movie visually, but fine, that's kind of

what I do. So just quickly this apartment that we're out of the kitchen, which was a nightmare unto itself, but this apartment is what's left over after the art sale and a week on the curb with a free, please take sign. Every fucking choice in this movie is awful. And every single one is a thrift store middle finger to the audience. This is the ugliest movie I've ever seen, and I'm not even kidding. I hate it like a Mormon mom hates her gay son, I hate it, like a Mormon mom hates her gay son. But at least I didn't tell this movie. I loved it as I tossed it out on the street.

It's so dark. Okay, because it's true. However, something gets introduced in this scene that is very, very important. Do you have a one-on-one heart-to-heart talk section in your missionary day. Yes. It's called docking. It's a thing. It's a thing at BYU.

If you don't move, it's floating. Yeah. Yeah, just let's sit face to face for half an hour and be passive aggressive while making eye contact. Yeah, miserable, hot. All right. See, the rest of the world calls miserable, hot. All right. See, the rest of the world calls that couples therapy. All right, so they do that back and forth for a little while, and we see the girls checking

on one of their houses. They've been given a fake address. And the only reason I point out this scene because nothing happens in it is that blonde missionary turns to British missionary and she's like, hey, you know, I always like listen to the voices in my head because I believe them to be the Holy Spirit. How do I know those aren't Satan or me being crazy to which British missionary responds? This scene is over.

The scene is also. Oh, but when she says, what if the voice in my head is just me? I was like, sister blonde has had the first cogent thought I've ever heard in a Gam film ever. I thought the same thing. I'm going stupid. Did these two sister missionaries just have an existential discussion about the existence of good and evil and the nature of free will?

Or am I just trying desperately to give this movie a theme? They almost did that and they panicked. And like you said, they cut the scene right away. Yeah. This movie is clearly like a paint by the numbers for board atheist podcasters to try to like, tolerate with meaning that's not there. It's kind of genius. If you think about it, by the end of this tears will be streaking down our faces and 9-11. We said, we'd never forgays. That number will come in, but not 9-11. I don't want to get anyone too excited. Yeah. So we cut back to the boy missionaries again, and they sure do want to go into the basement, but Elder Johnson won't give them the key until he does. Hey, Doug, let me quick question.

And I think this is just how it's done. When a Mormon missionary asks you to play with his ball, you do it, right? I mean, that's just good manners. That's the Mormon stuff. Yeah. Boy, if there was ever any doubt that Elder Johnson was covering up for being gay, his reaction to a basketball removes all doubt. This was the best basketball he had ever done.

I watched this so many times over and over. At the end of being like, come on, just give me the fucking keys so we can start the movie. He finally is like, all right, and he gets his key, Elder Johnson tosses the key, and he tosses Elder Johnson basketball and Elder Johnson panics and gets hit right in the face. Like George Michael from a rest of D, he like turns away and gets hit right in the face like like George Michael from arrested D. He like turns away and gets hit. Yeah. It's so good.

I watched that a bunch times. His reaction was like he was falling down the stairs after he'd been attacked by bees. Literally just. Yeah. Sonny Bono looked down from heaven and was like, ooh, a little grace, dude. Come on. Yeah. Sonny Bono was like Billy Ilish, but less tasteful. I don't know how to explain that to young people. I didn't. You tell me how it's way to young Sonny Bono to someone under the age of 30. You can't fucking do it. You really don't start with Billy Ilish though. I think,

I think that's definitely the wrong path. Okay. Hey, you know, Mario, you're not going to be a little bit more like a little bit more like a little bit more like a little bit No, to someone under the age of 30, you can't fucking do it. You really don't start with Billy Eilish though. I think that's definitely the wrong path. Okay, hey, you know Mario, imagine if you had a real tall wife and he always talked about how much you wanted to fuck her, but it was a music act. I don't know. Anyway, there you got it.

You see, we knew you could do it. You know Jeffrey Epstein? No, no. We're getting, All right, get away from me. So they finally get the key and they make their way down into the big scary basement. And I just wanted to point out, as I did in my notes, the stakes of this movie are three full grown ass adults going into a basement, they consider to be spooky. Well, which is funny because again, the door is spooky. They open the door. The stairway is spooky. And then they walked like sort of like like the entire gang of Scooby Doo down

the stairs into a basement that is fully lit by daylight coming in from all my way directions. That window in the basement that the fucking Bristol sunlight is pouring in like noon in the Sahara. Like they're using the flashlight to shield their eyes. It is the stupidest thing. But you know what, this scene wasn't fun for everyone who watched the movie because as I went through these notes, I realized that one of us had a very bad time, Uncle Doug. Do you want to share what there's a scene? They're looking through the face. You got the speaking stick, Doug. Looking through the basement and he swings the flashlight around the room and for less than

two seconds, there is a massive tarantula on the shelf. It's only jump scare of the entire movie. And it's scared. There's a severe rectifob, this scene legit scared me. And then he immediately just posts up and leaves the room. And no one ever talks about the tarantula again, right? The entire rest of the movie, all I could think is, is anyone going to deal with the fucking tarantula in the basement?

I don't remember seeing a tarantula, man. Did you guys see one in the movie? Yeah, think is, is anyone going to deal with the fucking tarantulas in the basement? I don't remember seeing a tarantula, man. Did you guys see one in the movie? Yeah, I don't think there was. No, no, no, none of us. You know, that was it again. Anyway, no. Also, this is not going to lead to a hilarious prank war when we come to Salt Lake City.

So do not worry about it. Literally, lives will be put at risk if you guys try to do that. I promise you the way this man reacts to spiders is not healthy. Somehow Eli is going to get punched in the face and I can't wait. If you're all think I'm going to come on stage in a giant spider costume, you do not know me. Doug calls his big gay brother to drive a cross-town to kill a little brown spider in the bathtub for him.

That's how scary that is rational. I'm on team Doug all the way. So yeah, they completely ignore the giant jungle creature, by the way. That is, they will never mention it again. It will only be there to hunt Uncle Doug's and Dogs and nightmares, but they do find a diary. Okay, and what the fuck is first of who cares what it even says in it, because it really doesn't matter to the movie. It does not.

But the journal is aged in such a way. The director was like, make it look a little old, but not too old. And Brian was like, copy you boss. So for five years, it sat at the bottom of a wet compost heap. And it looks like it was covered in human shit. And it's what three years old. Two years old. So that we should probably get ahead of this now. The timeline of this diary will be startling because various points in the movie. This will be an ancient mystery laid out for them by Brigham Young, or there was a guy here yesterday who stuffed a note in our mailbox. So nobody touched it. Yeah.

It's bizarre. There's also one other thing I want to point out about this basement. Elder Sassafras, he gets a bunch of old gospel pamphlets, like what the Mormons used to give out. And I wanted him to open one up and just be like, yep, lots of stuff in here about me not being a person, like a lot. Like it's a whole sales pitch to the thing. It's certain points in these. And just a reminder, while these two are clumsily expositing, there's still a fucking tarantula in the basement.

I don't think there was a tarantula. Why? So now we're back upstairs and the elders are trying to convince elder Johnson to join them in a treasure hunt. Yeah. What's happening here is they found a diary and he's like, all right, it says our Mormonism is going to help us find treasure. This was never a lie in the history of Mormonism.

This is never a backfire. This has never been a safe treasure. This is going to be great. That's what we're doing. Please see how to her take episode something, something about the dream mind episode one through one 25. Yeah, because one through 125. Yeah.

Well, there was, there was also this great little moment. And I don't know if you guys noticed this when elder Sirath and elder dummy were talking in the, I think they were still in the basement. And the tarantulas. Yeah. Where the little, that little garden spider is. And it was kind of an internal narrative logical suicide. So big dummy says to Sirath, and elder was killed in this house, you know, and Sirath says, where did you hear that? And elder Minotaur says around. And Sirath says, unironically, well, it must be true. So this movie says of its own heroes that these two are idiots who believe anything. Dan, I think your theory is correct. I'm beginning

to love this movie. All right. Oh, I got to be honest, I didn't catch any of that because there was one thing going on in the scene that distracted the fuck out of me and I couldn't see anything else. They're, they're talking about, they're back at their breakfast table and there's like seven or eight just loose cheerios on their sad fucking table. Yeah. And there's a fly. There's a fun.

A town fucking these cheerios as hard as he can. I could not look away. It's flying in and out of their ears out of their nostrils. Their corpse on an SBU season finale. It's fucking marriage. He you're not meant to look away. This is a very important signifier. It's telling us that when they embark on this journey, they will be as flies buzzing in the ears of the gods. Oh, I don't know. I'm not, I got nothing,

but it does feel, it does feel like an insane oversight not to have brought a fly swan. I can't believe I missed the fly. Doesn't it seem amazing that the only British American joke they didn't make was about Cheerios? The Cheerios, by the way, which we kind of skipped it, but two scenes ago when Elder Hungary was like desperately screaming, I need food and running or foraging around the kitchen. Breakfast was on the table.

They were right there on the fucking counter. Breakfast was on the table. And apparently all of that and the milk that we discussed earlier was left there by the previous elders two years ago. Yeah. Am I wrong about that? No, but there were Cheerios there. And not other guy was just like drinking olive juice and eating like relish out of packets for breakfast. Is that weird? Why is that

weird? That's strange. I mean, someone's a lot more used to crafting than the rest of us. Use them all get them all together in there. So mix it up. They decide that they're going to go and do their laundry, but spoiler alert, this laundry mat might have a little bit more to do with the plot of this movie than you would first think. I just have to, I, before we move on, I have to do this when, when this elder hungry says he's going to take R and R and Sarath says, oh, rest in relaxation, he goes ribs and root beer. And it was so depressing because Mormon paradise is somehow just as sad as Mormon now.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn't kill baby Hitler. I'd go to 2009 and unplug this director's camcorder and spare us all this misery. You get ribs and root beer in Mormon heaven? Yeah. That's sure do. That's specifically mentioned somewhere. If you're white and exactly zero Scott, are you, are you Mormon again, he's I get on board with those things. I mean, little what kind of root beer. The worst. I'm an IBC one. Crag month. Okay. it's a kind of they make themselves by putting dry ice in a bucket with water and

like drip extract. That's a real thing. We do that. That's a real thing. God, damn it. Every summer. Yuck. All right.

So now it's time to head over to the laundry. We get a laundry doing montage here with all the elders and the girl missionaries are there too. My music note here was Detroit, a city on the move. Exactly. I thought Xila phone jazz was a good choice for a trip to the laundromat. And again, with the confusing establishing shots, are we in Bangor or Baltimore? I could never tell. Yeah. Clear. Either way, we're literally going to watch them read and spend time in a laundromat in a movie, in a motion picture. That is the plot of this scene. The crew couldn't leave until the clothes were dry, so they just rolled. I mean, they

just shot it in real time. It was so fucking boring. Then did you see the insert shot of the hand feeding 50 cents, which is half of this movie's lighting budget into the washroom? I've only choice, but almost really not worth it. That's only because they spent the rest of the budget on the tarantial or rental. But this is the part where sister blonde takes elder Sarah Fassai to say, not to be so hard on elder Johnson, because after all, he is the only Mormon in his family. I want to talk about this because this is the second Mormon movie month where this has come up.

What bizarre fantasy is it that is never fulfilled? Where you believe teenagers randomly convert to Mormonism and then sign up to be sent wherever the fuck in the name of their newly found childhood religion. Yeah. I just love that this scene, they keep up with the trying to establish sexual tension between the sisters and the elders, which is so weird to the point where a couple of them are talking to each other. And they, one of them says elder Johnson gave sister so and so a look that kind of you

pour over waffles. That was literally the moment I wrote, I'm out. I'm not going to, I'm not even getting paid to watch this. How has my life, my life choices led me here? The writer of this film was so proud of this line. Yeah, I saw, I saw my next boner retreat to five years in the future. Maybe I'm just looking at women wrong. I need to be like, syrup, syrup, syrup, syrup. There's an eye melting this to it that you're missing out on. Yeah.

So he's literally going to be arrested. Butter, jam, what are your jammers? Fuck you, jam, really syrup. See, this is the problem I yell at them and then, yeah, okay. Meanwhile, two machines away. The girls are in on the treasure hunt. Yeah. And again, the English accent sister fake spirit comes up and says, sound like a good guy. Well, actually mine was much better than that. It was like, I can't even do it. She was like Laudcough from taxi trying to blend into a guy rich movie. Eli, do your, do your Yiddish rabbi, but in Britain I almost died. Don't I was done. Yeah, my nose bled. I saw a bunch of tarantulas and movies

that we have to be careful. Just my wife. But of course, this is where we get the first of the absolutely bizarre riddles, which they will instantly solve making this movie impossible to follow along with, which is that the numbers in the journal refer to the numbers of the washing machines in this laundry mat. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, and the best moment in the movie happens at this point, because one of the girls says, it says 9-1 says 911. Maybe it means urgent. Pause, pause, pause. And then one of the others goes like a 911 call. They also go through all the iterations of this fucking number. They go, well, it could also be one one nine or one one six or six one. I thought they were going to fucking edit up and just turn the camera. Is the movie long enough? No, not. Okay.

Six plus one plus one. It can't be a one one nine because that's nonsense, but flip it over. It could be a one one six like a one one six call. And then they start talking about element number one 16. Well, they don't the one person from not the American school system, the British one, is like, that's on an exeum, the element from 116 on the periodic table. And this whole time, I just wanted whoever was like behind this, I guess it's supposed to be some other missionary. I wanted them to walk in and be like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

It's 911. The clue is 911. Don't get your over thinking. I did like, I loved the ununhexium moment because she says, you know, it's ununhexium. The, the element, I was really good at chemistry. Well, no, you weren't because then if you were, you would have known that that was just a placeholder name for the element that they presumed they would eventually discover with an atomic number of 116, which just means 116, when, when, when, yes, discovered was eventually named Livermoreium. Get it straight. Look at the price tag guys, we're 32 minutes into this garbage and ladies and gentlemen,

we have ourselves a plot. Periodic table. And there's only one other thing I want to touch on here with their theories, which is one of their theories is that maybe it's the 116 for the 116 pages that Martin Harris lost. And I was so filled with self hatred when I wrote in my notes, Martin Harris didn't lose him. His wife made him pretend to lose him so that they could see if Joseph Smith was foolish. And he was. But that's a funny thing because that's something Mormons don't love to talk about. No, I see.

I see other missionaries were juju juju juju. That's a jingly keys moment for sure. Nope, nope, nope, nope, no pilgrims on the sun. No, Nope. And this is the moment where they say, I've got an idea. Let's all split up and each group try to solve the mysteries separately. We'll surely figure out all of the totally esoteric clues basically at the same time, right? Yeah. And I was like, yes, horror movie, they're splitting up, they're all going to die. Also this is where one of them is like, come on, I'm not wasting my entire p-day on this. What's a p-day?

I was so hoping you wouldn't ask that. It's the day you get to pee. I don't want to be known for just one thing. It's p-day. It's called preparation day. It's the one day a week. It's not even a full day where you get to do your laundry and shop for food. And so it's kind of a like it's your only fucking day off and it's not even a full day. So that's what a feed is. Shave your balls, shave your companions balls. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Sounds like you would definitely want a waste to hold p-day on anything but that right? Fake treasure hunting. That was that was my impulse was like it. You don't want to waste your whole p-day on this.

You'd rather do Mormon missionary stuff. Of course you want to waste all p-day on this. And I from experience that treasure hunt was the best p-day I'd ever seen. Yeah. Well, Doug, it's like literally the only kind of day off, isn't it? Yeah. So you have to do like they're, they are doing their laundry and they are shopping for food and, but yeah.

Okay. So it is a day off. But it's dreamy because it's your day off. Okay. Yeah. All right. But by 6 p.m. as is very important in the movie by 6 p.m.

You're back, baby. Oh, so it's not your day. It's your like after. Exactly. Okay. Got it. All right. Well, we're all not Mormon. So I guess the rest of our lives are

nice. One big, amazing P day situation. That's fun. I guess we can take quick break here to continue savoring our P day moments. And when we come back, we'll go on a scavenger hunt, like a Mormon person's elaborate prom proposal. Let's all get excited. Oh, I wish you didn't know that. Okay, guys, you hear the watch 22 minutes to shower and shave. Wow, Elder Smith sure is dedicated. Yeah, he's worked so hard on his mission. You know, it's really kind of, all right? You guys have 44 seconds for the rest of this conversation. The rest of this conversation. I don't think that's a thing that's timed. Well, it is now. Oh, well, I was just going to say that I thought fantastic because of this. Now, I can only take 11 second shit this morning. You're, you're timing your, your, your, your shit. Uh, yeah, Elder, it's called Discipline. Oh, he's, he's not well, he's mentally ill.

Yeah, mentally ill, yeah. Yeah. Don't have time for the full thing, so I'm gonna pinch it off. Don't, no, don't do that, buddy. I'm pitching. Do the whole thing. Oh, hello. No, dude, what are you doing in my bathroom?

Hey, yeah, I just want to talk about my tooth brushing situation. Did you know that 75% of us use old, worn out bristles that are ineffective, and even more people forget to floss daily? Yeah, no, I listened to podcasts. Did you bring that spinny chair just for that, oh, hello? I did, yes, nailed it. So, so is that your whole thing? Can you leave now?

I mean, aren't you gonna ask about my face? I was hoping to avoid it, but fine, why is your face full of needle? Glad you asked Noah about my face, it's called plaqueupunk sure. Keeps my teeth healthy and plaque free with energy, meridian. So, that's just none of that. I don't have time to explain each wrong part. Why don't you just try quip? Oh, what's quip? Well, quip delivers brush heads, toothpaste, and floss, refills right to your door on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars each. A friendly reminder when it's time for a refresh and to stay committed to your oral health

and shipping is free. Okay, but with placky puncture, my whole face just vibrates itself clean. No, no, no, it doesn't, but but Quip's electric toothbrush actually has real sonic vibrations with 30 second puzzles to guide you through a healthy routine paired with quips anti-cavity toothpaste in mint or watermelon you get all the ingredients teeth actually need and none they don't and if you go to get quip.com Slash offal right now you'll get your first refill free. Did you say the first refill is free at get quip.com Slash offal spelled is free at get quip.com slash awful spelled GETQIP.com slash AWFUL. That's right.

Quip, the good habits company. You look like hell-raiser. I look like hell-raiser. Thank you. No, not a compliment. Also, I'm keeping this chair. Yeah, that's for the best. It doesn't fit through the door.

I did some tile work. Yeah, that's for the best. It doesn't fit through the door. I did some tile work. I can see. That. And we're back. And it's time for some more dramatic bike riding. And we get to watch the movie argue with itself about whether dramatic bike riding is actually a good vehicle for a movie.

And nobody wins this argument. Obviously, like Johnson and Sarath are actually riding bikes and Sarath is like, this is the worst. Maybe something happens while we're biking and he's like, no, no. But then the best thing in the world does happen, which is that they somebody random in a truck drives by and throws a soda, like a fountain drink at them. The most amazing thing, and what you would need to understand about Mormonism is that this needs to be in the film because they have to somehow confirm the Mormon persecution complex. Like it has to happen at some point. Yeah, the struggle is real people.

Yeah, I wanted there to be Mormon heckling along with it. Like there were no horses in the New World at the time in the football club. What the fuck does tight as a dish me man man. Where are they all off to? Have all three groups just like went to the wind and none of them have any idea where they're going at this point? No, they all have. Am I wrong? They had a whole clue about it.

Not really, are you not wrong? They all have three different interpretations of the clue that all lead them to the same place. Well, one thing though, Elder Johnson has to go home and change his shirt because of the soda and just a reminder, that's where the tarantula is. But again, they're going to find their way to the cemetery in three different ways. The girls are up first. They're going to find it based on the mystifying clue of where will the dead rise? How could they even think of it? It's amazing.

Yeah, I have a music note for this scene before we get to the dead rising, which is, you know, imagine if Nintendo 64 had a game that was just a waiting room in a doctor's office and you just sat there, then imagine what that, the two repetitive bars of the music for that game that sound like. That's, that's it. Yep. And also, it's amazing that she had to look at a map and really kind of noodle about it to think where the dead might be in this town.

I mean, where do we keep dead? Where do they go when they die? It took them 20 minutes to figure that out. How the fuck did a religion made of these door knobs managed to hoard a hundred million secret dollars? No, I'm watching. Yes, I'm watching. Watching, watching, watching, Warman slowly arrive at obvious conclusions is like watching a dog figure out that the screen door was open the whole time. Indeed it is. So now Johnson and Sarah changed for no reason whatsoever. They're going to figure out the clue based on, and this is vitally important to both

Heath and I, the song that all Mormons know about all of the presidents of the Mormon church. You have to say it right now. You know what? He's saying a totally different version of that song than I learned. Do you remember it? Oh, I remember my version of the song. You guys sing all different versions, go to

Alistair, Paul, or Payton, and go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go.

And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. And go. That's Taylor, it gives third. We know, and we're in for the word. We're in for the word.

Okay, we should stop now. This is the fucking best. That's like finding out that all German school children are like, first there was Hitler and then there was Hitler and then there was the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, the Germans, like not only am I memorizing that song immediately, I am getting a poster made of it. And it's the first song I will refuse to teach my son any piece of information

besides it. Oh my God. I will never think of these are a few of my favorite things. The same again. It's beautiful. Oh my God. I feel good. So yeah, they all arrive at the cemetery at the same time and read the next clue, which is 100% about buttholes, right? It's like, hold the rod, go through the unknown hole. Like, Mark, we've got this one. I know this clue. I know. Well, did you notice too when they, when they like suddenly pull up bumper to bumper and

not collide in the cemetery? It's like, wow, you guys are here too. And then they just walk into the middle of the cemetery, which is completely under siege by those high power sprinklers. What are they doing? They were just walking into those giant sprinklers. I'm like, how did this happen? I just like, I just like that

they found the clue by going to, you know, profit number seven, find his name on a grave. And then next to that grave, very clearly protruding from the grass is like an entire, like one of those things that you put into the pneumatic tube at the bank. It's like holding the thing. It's bizarre. And also not a, Cemetery's are not a great place to do geocaching. You guys, that's not cool. It's a fucking coffee can. It might as well be Heath and Wright sitting there with the, with the note in his mouth being like, you got a little firm. Come on, you're hungry. Yeah. The person that hid that is clearly still behind a tree watching them.

Like, that lawn has been mowed. If it was two years ago, that lawn has been mowed 50 times. Like, yeah. This is absurd. And Sister Blanc says literally their words are, is it the next clue? This shit makes Scooby Doo look like Murtorshee Road. I'm telling you. This is when they find the clue that just has the letter S and T next to each other, right?

Yeah. And one of them's just. That's how jazz was born. That's how jazz was born. Exactly. And it became illegal in Utah. Now it's time to expose it some more. We see Elder Sirreth fixing some flowers. And this is where Lady Elder Blondie is going to explain that his dad died and he decided to stay and complete his mission instead of

going to the funeral. Is that a thing? She's the magic. She's the magic blonde. No, that's not a thing. Matter of fact, like my wife was watching with me for this part and she heard that and was like, what, he didn't go back, she was horrified and she was a Mormon too. So she like, no,

even Mormons would know you go to your dad's funeral, was madness. Yeah. And I love how they're talking about him and all of his personal travails and he's only like six feet away. Right. And he's, he's, you know this movie is so cheap that they hovered and as a real funeral was going on and stole those flowers. He was arranging. Those are real flowers. You also skipped over one of my favorite parts of the whole movie, which was when the two dopey boys see the clue, they decide they know what it means and they start and they

run to their car to get to take off and go find the other clue. And elder 45 year old tries to dukes of hazard his way over the hood of the car. They clearly just borrowed that car from a member and he's older than I am. So he just kind of gingerly brushes his bump past one of the headlights. I got a rash. It's a big, I just stuck. I kind of gingerly brushes his bum past one of the headlights. It's like, I got a rash. It's a big, I just stuck. I kind of stuck. It's a big notice when they got to the car, elder Lenny spent like 30 seconds trying to unlock the car door and the windows were down on both.

Are we going to talk about the old man, please? We and now it's time to talk about the old man, please? We end now. It's time to talk about the old man. Yes. Yeah, the caretaker appears kind of out of nowhere as caretakers do. Yeah. And says to them, you same as them other two young fellas like you dressed the same. I cooked him up and buried the leftovers over by that.

I love that the people who run into these missionaries keep saying that. They're like, are you like the other, the weird virgins you fit? We keep getting these. Just like Dwight Shrute, this keeps happening. You're like them, right? I don't think there would be a very hard for an astute listener to re-edit this movie as kind of an amazing horror movie. Like all the setups are there, the tarantula, the splitting up, the caretaker.

Oh, let me tell you something, this movie would be 100% my favorite movie in the world. If it ended with them capturing the ghost of the dead missionary pulling off his mask, and it's this old cemetery caretaker saying, I want to die in a way with it. If it hadn't been to two meddling kids. Well, and this old man is old and he's got a shovel. Yeah, but I got I mean, any grave that this old man is digging is his own. What kind of municipality would make this poor man do manual labor? Oh, he's a minimum 90. So at least we know where Brooks went after he got out of Shawshank.

He is that guy. I think that might be the same actor. Yeah. So he asked them if they'll help him move some rock slabs and they do because they're good, Mormon boys. Then we cut over to the side kicks. They spend a moment talking about how Elder Johnson's a tight ass again, but through the lens of a character who can only think about food and a character who can't think. So double-checked for the exhibition. Pick, can we also point out the fact that these two ran, literally did a power slide over their car to get away and go and solve the next clue and then stop for a meal break. Have a commitment, man.

Finally a plot hole. So Doug, why don't you inform Eli about the guy asking the boys to help him? And that kind of, it's like the Mormon leprechaun thing, right? If you catch him, they have to do your bidding. Yes. So Mormons are supposed to do service. And so anyone hearing this should do this. If you just, if you need to move something heavy, find the missionaries. If you have a weeding to do, find the missionaries. If you have a piano to haul up the stairs, find the missionaries. They'll do it. They have to do it if you ask. Basically, yeah. Pretty much. Yes. Amazing. Not only do they not have, I mean, they don't have to do it.

They actually want to do it because everything you ask them to do is keeping them from having to go door to door to try and sell Mormonism and they will thank you. Okay, this is our new game show. We're going to fucking. So like figuring out things that they'll do. No, they're in your neighborhood, Heath. You just open the door and go, Hey, missionaries, watch what happens. Look in a mirror and say book of Mormon three times. They will. They appear behind you. Here's my question to a jug of milk. what happens? Look in a mirror and say book of Mormon three times. They will say, they appear behind you. Here's my question to a jug of milk. Here's the game I want

to propose. It's how sexual can you make the Mormon missionaries do a thing before they cancel, right? Like, yeah, you can be like, Oh, man, would you guys mind washing my car? Right. That's fine. But if you're on the inside, very clearly masturbating while they do it, when do they call the blouse? Check it out. The beyond see. I so I do know a person who and this is a true story. They had missionaries over helping them move. And she was getting she like the this was a couple and they had they were in different parts of the house directing the move. So she had some missionaries in the bedroom, like getting ready to move the bed.

She apparently never knew where her husband threw the condoms when he was done with them. Oh. So when they moved that bed, all these Bournemon missionaries saw was a pile of used condoms. Can we watch that school of whitefish? Oh my God.

You guys throw them when you're done. Do you just throw it? Yeah, I have a lot of questions for your friend, but probably for another day, not more than I have. You believe me? I should have liked a rubber band with the gun, the hand, the finger guns move. Yeah, you just leave it on till the next time. That's what you do, right? Recycling. Go Greens. And speaking of used condoms, we cut over to the church, which is the

answer to that clue, which again, everyone will find through separate pieces of information for separate reasons. But the really hard part of the clue was just that each of the, there were certain words that were capitalized and the capitalized letters spelled out the shirt. So they needed the definite article there. If you were really clever, you might be able to piece it together. Yes, so they make it inside the church. And let me answer the question that I can hear boiling in Eli's brain, please. Yes. Yes. Eli, every Mormon church has a basketball court in it. Okay. And ours,

ours even had a gun range. And that's a true story. We had a fucking gun range under the chapel with the whole like shaggy, shaggy, wine. Yep. Put the targets out in the windy thing. The whole nine yards. Okay. But before we move on, can we talk about the Mormon cultural hall that has the basketball courts? Because what you may not have noticed you too is that that basketball court was, I shit, you're not carpeted. Yeah. Okay.

I thought I saw the best. That couldn't have been the basketball court. Was it? Yeah. Okay. I thought I saw that. That couldn't have been the basketball court. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. 100% was, as a matter of fact, if you looked in one of the shots, you would have seen the basketball hoop over their shoulder. So the hoop was down and the carpet, the carpeting, it is carpeted, but it's a very, very low

pile burber. And they actually have the black. You're a low pile burber. You're a mom. But they actually have like the the foul line and everything. All of the key is entirely like done out in black carpet. Oh, the carpet. Yeah, phenomenal.

Getting a rug burn when someone elbow shakes you just, wow, that is like the whitest thing that's ever happened. I'm talking to basketball for it inside of a Norman church. Yeah. Yeah. You with the gun range, it's quite delight. Some of you guys you should try it. White and delight.

Yeah, a disproportionate amount of my youth was spent folding and unfolding chairs on those wheely racks. Yeah. So I can honestly say a significantly larger percentage of Mormonism is about folding chairs than it is about the book of Mormon. Truly. You're not kidding. Just build a bigger fucking church.

Yeah. Damn it. Yeah. Those racks of folding chairs under the stage are as Mormon as pre-Columbian wooden Jew submarines. They are. That critical to Mormon culture. And so much more essential. Yeah, but luckily enough, right where there's chairs were, they find another clue. Hey guys, I just realized

something. I'm so sorry. They were the ones who pulled those chairs out, right? Yes. And behind where those chairs were, they found the amulet and the clue. Right. Yes. How the fuck did Sister Blonde get back there? How the fuck don't you have a big cup of shut the fuck up? Okay, this is fucking amazing because what happened is they forgot to get the girls in this scene, right? They were like, Oh, shit. We've got that amazing tire changing scene happening later with the girls. They can't be in this scene because if girls are on camera for 40 minutes, they turn into Jennifer Lopez and ruin the Super Bowl. So, so what they do is they have her amulet has fallen off. And so the elders know they've already been there and they've already seen the clue.

You'll have ambulance. Yeah, in Mormonism and necklaces is good as a woman, like it's, you know, it's just a lot of the the women do have these little necklaces that are there to remind them that they are to be chased and sweet and obedient to the men. I'm pretty sure that's chased and sweet and obedient to the men. I'm pretty sure that's, they take that oath when they put the, uh, the little locket on lovely. Well, they read the clue. And of course that clue sends them all to the zoo. That's correct. We're going to watch these missionaries now go on a trip to the zoo, which means they all get that's wrong. By the way, that's not where the clue is supposed to lead them as we will learn momentarily. But we will watch these Mormon missionaries take a full on trip to the zoo.

They extended visit. It's better than that because they go to the Tracy Avery, which I know Avery is just a place for birds. Tracy Avery is one of the few standalone Avery's in the United States of America. And everyone in Utah knows where it is, because it's in Salt Lake City, which is not Philadelphia. And they very clearly show that sign for it. Guess what, guys? The only humans who are going to see this movie live in Utah. You're not fooling them. You've got to choose a different location to waste 20 minutes of your movie in. And they were there for, yeah, 20 minutes because what this movie needs is filler.

Well, this is just the cast of this movie being like, you have to let us have a day at the day of the area. I won't play with birds. It's in their writer. I get a day. The movie has a p day. I get no money. I get a bowl of cheerios with a fly and I get a day at the fucking Avery. Instead of unionizing, they insisted on this day. Exactly. I know this Avery and they pretty much showed every single bird in there to what end? Like the tarantula living in the basement and apparently my head will not come up again. It will not. And they do it. Yeah, it's 22 minutes of inspirational footage of boys looking at birds. And then the music is this weird sort of the team's finally going to win the big game. Yeah. And they're

they're the whole the whole time they're they're wrong. They're nowhere near where the clue is supposed to be right and the dialogue at the end when they finally come out of the musical montage the dialogue is well this was a huge waste. Literally the first line. Now it's a dumb montage of our lives, but luckily they all realized they're wrong and where they need to go at the same time at the end of this montage. This contains my favorite interaction of the entire fucking movie where they read the clue and one of them says out loud, where do you get bread to which Elder Lenny says a bank.

Well, all them turn into fucking Monty Python villagers at this point and they're like a bank grocery store, they're small rocks, build a loaf out of it. I don't know. And then finally they're like bakery bread. Yeah. We also learn this like several hundred bakeries in Bristol, Pennsylvania. It's going to make this very difficult task. It's not difficult for elder hungry who immediately goes, there's only one bakery worth anything

in this town. We're going. We're not telling you guys where it is. We'll see you there. Bye. Don't worry. We'll arrive at the same time in it. Subsequently.

Yeah. So they head over to the bakery and this before they get to the bakery, this is when they're going to help very authentic Mexican gentleman fix his car. Right. Oh, and this is this, this is the thing where you have to do, you have to give help no matter what, this guy doesn't even really ask, but they see a guy with a broken down car, so they have to yeah, like stop their trash or hunt and help. Is that what's happening? Yes.

And one of the truest things about this movie is that these two elders see a guy with a broken down car. They stop for him. And then they're like, hey, do you want us to help? Now the not true part of it is that they like, is he goes, do you know anything about cars? And one of them goes, well, my dad was a mechanic, which, hey, that doesn't make you a mechanic. But it would be a very, like, white Mormon thing to do to say, do you want any help? And then if they said, do you know anything about cars to say, no,

no, we don't, but I'll try to help you. I'll push some, I'll do something with a wrench. Well, that's the other thing about this kind of helping and like move boxes or whatever, is nobody wants to talk to Mormon missionaries. Ever, like they get door slammed, nobody cares. Nobody wants to talk to them. So the only way they can get, they can make contact with people is when they're broken down

on the side of the road, that they can't go anywhere, right? So they're just cutting break cables in every parking lot they come across. It's a true fact. Yeah, but because this movie is fictional, Elder Sassafras plays the bongos on the engine for a second and is immediately invited over for real quote, authentic Mexican food. And also I don't know if you guys were of the vintage where the shop

class teacher would show gruesome films of what happens when your tie that you wore to school gets caught in the woodlaid. But when elder sass of wrestling's over with this giant fucking boogie board and it goes into the fan, I'm like, okay, here it goes. God. And that would be just a big blood splat. And then the words at the end, 27 more fucking minutes. Just Fargo. Yeah. They also have a weird argument at the end of the scene here where Johnson's like, probably a fake address. And Sassafras is like, well, wait, wait, wait, you think we pulled over to help someone fix their car. He invited us to dinner and then gave us a fake address. And Johnson's like, yes.

Yeah, it's a pretty dark world view, which by the way is also a pretty funny thing to do to Mormon missionaries. Go ahead and do that one too. Yeah. And the scene ends with Elder Johnson putting his helmet on backwards. You guys know this? That's my favorite. Clearly pissed off at himself. He puts it on back.

But you can't rewind the camcorder for a take two, that's just what it is. So there's a little continuity note before we leave this, which is just fucking kill me. When Miguel, the guy that they helped, tells them which house to come have dinner at later, he says it's the greenhouse on the corner. Now, spoiler later on, it turns out it's neither green nor on the corner. So you're killing a movie. It was the real address, but a fake description. All right, well, that was just a weird mundane diversion that I had nothing to do with the plot, I guess. Or was it?

It's gonna be done. We're gonna take one more quick break and then we'll be back to find out. All right, you guys, ready for the next clue? Oh, yeah. Sure, and bring it on. Okay, what goes up must come from Wendy's. What seriously, dude?

Again with the food? Sorry, I'm just so hungry. Yeah, how about down? Oh, that's it. That ends in down. All right, all right, guys. If you're not going to smile, you're going to eat an entire container of Wendy's chili.

Come on, man. What's right? Right, sorry. I was the Wendy's thing. Brown? Yes, frown. Oh, okay. Yeah.

All right, here we go again. Four plus four is a hemachy sandwich from Wendy's for a little bit. What? I was wrong with you. Hey, to be fair, he was transferred from Ghana. Oh, yeah. Track four guy. I have tapeworms. Okay. Laurel. Yeah, like a bunch. Jesus Christ. And we're back. They've checked out most of the bustling bakery sector of Bristol, Pennsylvania, now, but there's still one location left to investigate. It's the famous bakery called bakery. That's what we see on the front of bakery. It says bakery. Yeah. And the whole gang realized all at the same time. So they're all here. So somehow they've managed to all show up at

almost all of the clue places at exactly the same moment, except when it matters. Later, when it matters, they won't just say, which makes the later why didn't they just go everywhere fucking together? Yeah. Damn it. Yeah, it's not so much a race so much as it is like a groundhog state situation. We're gonna keep showing up in the same place at the same time. But they all walk in and I got to say, Mark, I really felt for you seeing the interior design of this bakery. So what it appears they did is took someone's living room, but a single shelf from IKEA,

one of the metal ones, put a loaf of bread on it and we're like, there it is, a bakery everybody. It was like the last days of the Soviet Union where you saw the sad pictures of like the grocery stores and their Ted Coppels like, oh, one cabbage and one potato. Look at the failed experiment of gumminism. Exactly what this look like. The shelves in the bakery are as bare as the ones that you're back at home. Yeah.

You know, where the tarantula is. Exactly. And elder nostrils is like, oh my God, this is the best bakery in Pennsylvania. Another thing about Pennsylvania and customs, I don't know, Heath, maybe you're in a neighboring state, I think. I've been there. Are you allowed to go into a food purveyor and just eat all the stuff before an employee appears. You absolutely are. Sometimes they'll try to stop you, but you make a big enough scene. They go right, right.

Yeah. You you write down what you're having. I like to graze. I'll pay for it. I went on when I'm ready. What a good election. I'll let you know. There's also this amazing moment where it's time for the bakery employee to appear and

be like, Hey, you guys are Mormons, right? And then she turns to Johnson and she's like, and you're like, they're king, right? To which he replies, yes. Yeah. Yeah. That tweened rule is by far the best actor in this movie. Yeah. It's weird.

The bakery worker who couldn't be, she's like maybe 16, meaning she's nowhere near old enough to remember two Mormons three or four years ago who left a book of Mormon there and said to whoever they left it with, hey, give this to the next guys like us that you see. Like what the fuck are they talking about? Yeah. Really wanted it to cut away to them just trying to hand this book of Mormon to all the white people that walk in for the next three years. Oh, you guys are Mormons, right? Nope. No. Okay. Oh, you guys are Mormons. Right? Nope. Nope. Just want to bag that. What's going on here? This is weird. Also, it's like, oh, sure. We'll just store this book for you in our store for an indeterminate amount of time

until such time as guys dressed like you show up. Make sure you keep this book because if you don't, they'll be halfway through a scavenger hut that will never work out. Right? Yeah, it's, you understand. The only way the logic of this movie works at all is if we just assume that the elders from the past are time travelers. That's the only way they can stick together. I like that. Or very much still alive and then just like 10 minutes ahead of them being like, come on, come on, you got to do this for me. Here's the $5 bill. I'll figure you don't have the same time. I don't know why. This scene also involves one of my favorite moments. They are deciphering the second to last clue and it is the words spear and shake to which Elder Lenny goes spear shake. And the British girl is like, oh no,

I'm English. So you probably haven't heard of him. His name was Shakespeare. But before that, what I love is that the way that they get to the words shakes and shake and spear are, it's a thing in Psalms and they have to go. And but what they say is 46 forward and 47 back and elder Dufus goes, oh, like steps and he literally goes outside to apparently walk 46 steps forward and 47. I think you don't have to take the steps, buddy. I think you can just figure that one out with the math scenarios. The treasures right behind me, isn't it? So now it's time for our missionaries to squeal into the fucking parking lot of this library,

like fast and the furious negative 143. But yeah, the point is they find the other elders who again have all arrived simultaneously. And they have checked all of the Shakespeare's. Yeah. Spoiler alert, they will not have checked all of the Shakespeare. In a moment, they will go through some of the Shakespeare and immediately find a clue upon opening it. Yeah.

Remember the clue that got them there? Wasn't a dozen in the dark or a dozen, right? Yeah. And okay, 12th night. And they're like puzzling it out. What's a dozen in the dark or a dozen, right? Yeah. And, okay, 12th night. And they're like puzzling it out. What's a dozen? What's 12? I screamed 12th night at my computer, like 15 fucking times.

I am not welcome in that coffee shop anymore. I just love that, I just love, like you were saying Eli, they literally they have opened every book that even has the word Shakespeare in it in front of them. And none of them thought to just tip them up and sort of shake them a little bit to see if any papers clues fell out. Because the second that they figure out it is 12th night, they open up directly to this paper clue.

Yeah. However, Elder Johnson and Elder Seraph at this point, they need to abandon the treasure hunt because they have an authentic Mexican dinner to attend. So we in a house that's not green and not on a corner, but yeah. So we got over to them at house number nine, one, one. And basically the point of this scene is like, oh, no, maybe he did give us a fake address because he didn't show up. So they just like shoot the shit about how many baptisms they've had back and forth for a little while.

So and then he says, he said, Elder Johnson has this moment where he actually smiles and he's feeling better about himself for some reason. I don't know why the dialogue doesn't support it, but he says, first of all, he kind of accuses Sarath of being the devil. And then he says, you're sent here to test me like Job. Yes. Yes. Kill his whole family and fill it with boils.

Please make something happen. Well, and then the script has the brown guy say, yeah, I'm an agent of darkness, which for a Mormon, that's a little close to the mark you guys mark of cane. Oh, baby. Oh, and this is where they make the reference to the screw tape letters, right? Yeah. So, yes.

Johnson's like, okay, screw tape at this point, because Sarath was like being, you know, the devil's advocate during this talk. Okay. That's a book about a guy who foils a demon and goes to heaven when he gets killed by Nazis who were helpful in that book, just to be clear. Yeah. I wrote my notes, screw, you've never heard of the screw tape letters by CS Lewis. It's great. If you thought the line, the witch and the wardrobe was too subtle, you'll love it. So now it's time for them to all simultaneously figure out a clue again, which means, and this was so dark, but I will admit, I fucking loved watching all of our notes realize this. They're going back to the church again. But as they're going to the church, they get stopped by Mexican guy whose car they helped

and he says that he got the job. Yay. Can you imagine the notes that the director was giving to this poor Latino actor? Like, hey, great, great cut. Good job. Could you be just a little bit more speedy Gonzalez? Yeah. I don't know if you're aware of the oover of speedy Gonzalez, but I think you really captured

the spirit of your people and you are a spirited people. So the one half of the missionaries, the ones that aren't Johnson and Serif, they're at the church and they find another clue, literally hidden in the lectern of the church this time. Yeah, there's a big thing about like every Mormon church has the bishops chair, has a control next to it that will raise or lower the microphone. So whoever's going up to speak, if they're tall or if they're short, it'll raise or lower to them. Which means that this clue was taped to the side of something that was going up and down literally every Sunday for three years, since those other

missionaries taped it there. And nobody went, what's that? And a little side down, the most important button that the bishop has on a little side down, the most important button that the Bishop has on that little control panel is the off switch. The mute button, right. Which they do use from time to time. Wait, they have a mute button in case the person talking says something.

Yeah. Like the off script. I'd add a five second delay to just say. Yeah. All of Mormonism is on radio delay. Like the Oscars. The mute button replaced the striped hook. Right.

Okay, so this is the final clue is the word resides, right? Yeah. And they're like resides. Okay, that's nothing. That doesn't help. And like, they might as well just start making the noises of the letters again, like, eat this zero. Then nonverbal guy finally figures out, like, let's put all the clues that we got together. And it says out 9-1-1, Fulton Street, your treasure resides. So now they have the word, they have the word besides like, probably need most of

the most of the right. What that means is that they, the first three clues that they got said nine, said respectively, nine one one and Fulton and Street. Guess what, dip shits? You did not need the rest. You didn't need to go on half of this. Damn it. We need a verb. Okay. Let's hear them out. 9 11 Fulton Street. Your treasure is not there. What do you think it says? We haven't found a period yet. I don't know if that's the end of the sentence. We've got to keep looking. I don't want to waste our time. Let's go back to the zoo and see if we miss any. It might be treasure resides. It's worth noting that this entire plan is contingent on this little family, this poor family, not moving in three years. Right. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And I actually think that the filmmaker and the elders who are planting these clues were

a little optimistic about an ice fan not showing up in Trump's Utah. I mean Pennsylvania, a little too optimistic. So yeah, now it's time for us to cut over to 9 11 Fault in Street where we learned that there was no Mexican food, which is fucking horrific, right? Like the only thing I can conclude is that he had pitched that as a devil's for some to his wife, but he freaked out. He was just like, oh yeah, no, we were gonna make dinner, but like everyone else in this

movie, I have something for you that Mormons gave me. And this is where I began to wonder, am I allowed to just give the Mormons who come to my house what other Mormons give me? Because I want to do that. I want to just be the Mormons who come to my house? What other Mormons give me? Because I want to do that. I want to just be like, oh, I actually have something for you. It's a shitty book of Mormon that the last guy's gave me. Here you go. It's for you.

Yeah, I was. I was so angry by the lack of payoff for this dinner. Like, why deny them this? It's like the director is saying, all life is always shit. Nothing ever works out. The movie. Just let them have some tortillas. Well, also, I mean, it what probably happened was they were like, okay, let's cut to the dinner scene and somebody went dinner. We didn't, we didn't budget for food. We don't have money for Mexican food. What are you crazy?

I got a room. I put a sofa in it. Is that enough? What? They went to Taco Bell, came back with a bunch of bags. They were so proud of themselves. And this Spanish couple were like, oh, come on guys, why are you wearing the hats? Why do you think we wear the hats at dinner? This is the worst. I'm saying you're Kero. Also, at this point, when he goes back to get the thing that the other Mormons left, I really, really wanted the treasure to have just been this other elder ditching his books of Mormon, like Uncle Doug and Honduras, just, 700 wet books of Mormon. Said, call Uncle Mark, get me the fuck out of here.

I don't know. That means anything to you. How difficult do you think would it be to get missionaries to show up your house to go on a treasure hunt that's not really to anything? Like how long, how long of a game could we get them to play? I say we found out. Yeah. Yeah. I think we just discovered a Patreon goal. I think the first round is just can we get them to cross state lines? That'll be the first round and we'll go from there. After we go on the date of the five senses with that guy from the romantic comedy from six years ago, we'll get some more of the missionaries to go on a treasure hunt that ends

in a sexy car wash. And at the end of all of it, Uncle Doug and the tarantula will get married. Beautiful. So wait, now it's time for this weird gangland murder confession. Can someone please explain what they are describing? No, no one can. Because this movie is such a cheap piece of shit. They can't even afford a description of the gang beat down that happened to the other missionaries. You know, the inciting incident of the whole fucking narrative. It's so cryptic. The best that I can figure it is because the guy says that the gang, he says, quote, the

gang cornered me and asked if I knew them, meaning asked if I knew, I think the elders who the gang literally, he starts and media res in this story. We don't know who the gang is. He hasn't set up where the elders who the gang, literally he starts in media res in this story. We don't know who the gang is. He hasn't set up where the elders are. We know nothing. And he says, and I said no, and starts to cry, which I think means that he's Kaiser Sosei. There was a gang and they needed his permission to beat the shit out of the missionaries. And he kissed them on the mouth or something like that.

I'm not sure. Mark one correction. He's Kaiser Jose. But not bad. Oh, okay. But here's the weird thing, right? If that is the plot of this movie, right? If the inciting incident of this movie is that they beat the shit out of one of the elders,

either that elder or more terrifyingly his partner were like, I got to do a scavenger hunt that ends in this neighborhood. Am I right? I got to send more people like us back to this neighborhood as many as possible. Right. He's in his iron lung, limping his way from clue place to other clue place, leaving all of these clues. So, but what's amazing is that Miguel and his wife just are kind of barely describing this hugely traumatic event in their lives. And Elder Johnson just kind of sits there staring blankly. And as soon as they're done, he goes, yes, so how do we get you to a yes? What's it going to take to get you into this, to get you into

this religion today? Yeah. No sympathy, no no nothing. They also, this is where they hand them the book of Mormon, and this is so great. The wife is like, oh, we tried to be Mormon, but either our English is too bad or this book is nonsense and everyone's in the room is like, yeah, your English is really fucking sucks. That's the problem. Let me tell you right now. Have you ever heard a slippery things get real slippery? All right. So yeah, they're in the midst of explaining what they missed when they read the holy book that the holy book promises all you need to do is read when all the other elders show up and ask them what they're doing there. But yeah, Elder Johnson explains to them that the truth. So they, first of all, he reaches behind the number of this people's house and has a final

note. And the note basically says, yep, the treasure was changing these Mexican people's religions. Yeah. This treasure. Yeah. This family, this guy Miguel and his wife, they're called a golden contact in the little thing. Is that like a really creamy term for that's a sales lead, right? That's totally, it's totally real. Yeah, they're a golden contact. They're good to go. Yeah. Wow.

It's a warm lead. Yeah. Well, it's such a dark statement. And it's an honest statement, really, about how shit like the missionary program and their numbers really are, that it six missionaries somehow had to go on this crazy scavenger hunt all over Philadelphia, Ohio to find one fucking contact. Like Like that's how bad it is. Oh, give me the leads. Give me the lead. Oh, all Mormon reboot of Glen Gary Glen Ross. I'm sorry, buddy. This is what we're doing for our live show when we come back to Salt Lake City. You know what it takes to survive in this business? Brass plates. I just love, I love that elder mystery who did all of this went back to the house of these

people to leave a clue under the siding and didn't knock on their door and say, Hey, I'm okay. I'm okay. It's all right. And we can just send you more missionaries later if you want me to. What do you want? So let me see if I understand the arc of this movie. Undiscussed tarantula leads to basement journal, leads to laundromat that you're already

in, leads to cemetery, leads to pointlessly locked church house, leads to unnecessary aviary, leads to bakery, leads back to church house, leads to Latino couple you already know. Is that it? Is that about that? Okay. Uh, it's more monism and my Friday night. And by the way, unnecessary aviary is the name of my unauthorized autobiography.

Oh, that's an excellent name. Yeah. Yeah. And I just have one, one last note and it's the end credit crawl. I timed it. It was one minute and seven seconds. Brief, but makes perfect sense for a movie that nobody actually worked on. Hold on 107. No, the movies are yeah. All right. I think that's going to do it for our review of one man's treasure. It doesn't not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we're still rolling with our

Mormon,acular month of Mormon,acular, so Eli,acular. What's on deck? Another Mormon movie. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're actually going to wrap it up. Big thanks to Doug, Dan, and Mark for joining us again, much, much appreciated. And just in case any listeners don't already know if people want to hear more from you guys, where should they go? Well, obviously, we do a podcast. So that's on all of the wherever you're listening to this is where they're to the how to heretic. And you can also go to how to heretic.com, find us there. That's the only way my mom could find us. And you know, just anywhere, go to our Patreon page and just give us money. If you don't want to listen to the show, that's fine too.

Yeah. And or we're at the Tracy Avery on any given. Yeah. Stop by there and say, excellent. Yeah. Our, our, our new spin off show, a bird watch is coming out anytime now. Doug's got a bar. You can bring your pet tarantula. You have a good time. Yeah. Send Doug spiders. Bring your spiders to Uncle Doug's bar. All right. And once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors, if you'd like to support the arts of hating other arts, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. It'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode and also 43 in counting

bonus episodes about movies like cats and Star Wars episode one. And sometimes even movies with Nicholas Cage punching a bear in the face. How to get burned. You can also help us out by leaving a fire star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms, is iTunes called Apple Music now?

Is that the thing? Nobody knows. It's what you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, if you enjoyed the show, Disney Plus, Disney Plus, love that Mandalorian. Be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, citation needed, and the Skeptocrat available on, for example,

Apple Music Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email at guilethamoviesachemail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law. If this is a P&J tour, as our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotick, the ultra-affes on Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our

audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Dan, Doug, Mark, and Eli, I'm Heath, promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the animal house clothes. Breakfast club clothes. Animal house. We already voted.

Animal... Last word, next close. Animal house has two votes, by the way. Thank you. We vote. Yes, that's a quorum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This movie should be helpful to those who might be curious about joining Mormonism. If you think you can stomach the racism, the staggering corporate greed, the misogyny, the child rapist founder, and the badly fitting suits, say hello to a level of boredom,

physicists did not dare theorize as possible. The guy who played Elder Johnson literally, I you ended up making a small career out of terrible Mormon movies In which he played Hiram Smith and I shit you not Jesus multiple time really yeah Elder Lenny went on to baptize the tarantula Just after the credits a single spider arm burst through the earth holding Uncle Doug's address on Google mess. He literally will not be able to sleep because you said that.

You got someone who's fucking ahead. Yeah, don't worry. I'm not one of those guys who goes into these super crazy pranks and pulls. You know me, I like a laugh now and then, but I'm a stable, down to earth person with not a lot of time on his hands. It was a misdirect delay. I'm afraid of money. How many times I've had that conversation with that through a door. I a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of

you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you.

I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be a big fan of you. I'm going to be How much P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P