God Awful Movies - 254: Mr. Krueger's Christmas

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

This week, Eli returns for an atheist review of "Mr. Krueger's Christmas", the story of Heath in thirty years, except he's Christian in this one. And Jimmy Stewart. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I'm back! Hello, sir! Hey! Hey! Man, wow, a month, alright? Is it? Yeah. So, um, how's the baby?

I mean, a month off the show. I mean, people must have written letters and tweets are the numbers down for the show. I bet they're way down, right? Well, I mean, you haven't been off the show for a month. What? No, I did. I had a baby and everything I wasn't.

No, yeah. We know you had a baby, but remember we pre-recorded a month where the show is. So you only missed one episode, I think. Oh, yeah. So there wasn't like a public outcry or anything? I don't think there would have been one way or the other, but no. No, cool, that's good.

That's good. I'm glad actually. Glad to hear that. Yeah, is that a welcome banner? This? You know, there? No. It's a stupid, it's nothing.

You made yourself a welcome banner. You made one for you to welcome yourself back. That's what happened. Yes, okay It's one of the songs that like screech to a halt as though the record had been pulled even though it was live Well the song they decided on is like Christmas Christmas great all right I really wanted the mom to start singing instructions just like park here the bells Carol come back come back Carol There they are great That's awesome.

Movie. Welcome back to the Gamecast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because drugs rob you of your ambition. I'm your host No Illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who's thinking about starting a family? Who's that? Heath. Having a big role. Yeah, though it's it's nifty. It's nifty. We're going to find out why in just a minute. It's kind of related, though, to the person

sitting 900 miles to my northeast. And that would be my bad friend Eli Bosnick making his triumphant return. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I don't do it. Don't do it. Do you like sleep? Do you like unbroken periods of sleep? I'm fantastic, Noah.

No better way to get back into God awful movies than Jimmy Stewart's last jibbering moments on camera. Oh, God. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Ethan, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Mr. N. Wright's Christmas. Sorry, Mr. Kriger's Christmas. It's a Jimmy Stewart movie from 1980. It's a wonderful life. It was 1946, I believe, just to give you some perspective. It's about a sad old man by himself on Christmas Eve. It's a story of how we're all just decomposing bags of meat

slowly marching toward, lonely death. But with a Christmas theme. And that's what Christmas is all about. I'll do it back. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love, it's a wonderful life, but you wish George Bailey didn't matter. So what? You know, we'll love this movie.

This movie might as well have Clarence show up halfway through and just be like, fuck, which version is this? I. Yeah, right. Yeah. Exactly. I theory is really. Are you my ghost?

What do I do? I don't know. I'm a discernible difference. And at all. Wow. I could take the bus. I don't need wings. This seems hard. All right. So Eli, I have one follow up question for you. Why are we watching a goddamn Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart, the most lovable man in the history of cinema in June?

So I have been assured by the half a dozen people who insisted this be a part of Mormon movie month that this is the Mormon Christmas movie. We have apparently dozens of Mormon listeners whose parents like feverishly slammed this into the VHS player insisting that the Mormon version was better than it's a wonderful life. This is the new, this is the new coke of Mormon Christmas movies. And boy, is it just a successful? This is the crack of Mormon Christmas movies. Absolutely.

All right, there's anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going best worst, actually best, just plain best cat. Cat is the only companion for the sad old man. So first of all, it's the only thing that makes this not directly about me. I'm going to be a sad old man with a dog. But the cat is an old man. I might have a cat, sir. I don't know.

But the cat is amazing. Every time the old guy talks to the cat, the cat is very clearly roasting the guy in like a cat thought bubble. Being like, dude, wow. But after watching you have another soft jerk on the couch, I'm gonna kill myself 10 times to be fucking sure of it. You don't think I know what's happening? You make eye contact with me.

You gotta cut that shit out. This is rough. It's the only pussy I can get. I Got to say this as a cat person this part bothered me a ton They treat him and like he keeps calling the cat he and his name is George, and it's a fucking tortoise shell cat It's obviously a female cat anyway So I was gonna go with best worst conversation with a baby We'll get to that towards the end of the film.

And it's supposed to be baby Jesus, but if you take that away and you just imagine this is a conversation a man's having with a baby, which is what was happening when they filmed it. It's pretty fucked up. Yeah, also when you combine those two factors like the cat and the baby never say anything positive to Jimmy Stewart.

Mr. Kroger just spends the entire time with everyone being like, including in his imagination, right? Exactly. Including Jesus Christ, the Messiah of the world. Yeah. He gets backed into a conversational corner by the Christ child. Spoiler. And see, I already hinted at this at the intro, but I was going to go with best worst Mormon

version of a thing they do not need a Mormon version of, right? It's a wonderful life serves the theocratic message, just fine. But what you, you can so see the Mormons working. They're very, very hardest to get their diet Pepsi version of its wonderful life. They're like, well, not diet Pepsi. I mean, let's come on. Let's be diet, Dr. Pepper, they got a, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nothing. That they're like, okay, Jimmy Stewart, check. Fantasy sequences, check. Adorable little girl.

Check. Great. The movie's done. Don't write a script. We've got it. We've nailed it. Right. Yeah.

We can, we can word it in while we go. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we're about to try to squeeze a whole god off of a movie's episode out of a 25 minute video Starting the most likable human being in the history of film with an out of practice Eli So I need a minute to prepare for the challenge, but on the other side of this break We'll dive into all the half-ass fantasies that are

Mr. Kruger's Christmas So just put it as a note on the Instacart. Okay, but the problem is the shopper might not know what I mean by smooth enough to go you know where. I think they'll know actually. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, hey no, we're trying to find stuff to cram up your eyes, but yeah, it is not easy. Well, did you try Adam and Eve.com? What's Adam and Eve.com? What's Adam and Eve.com.

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from this grocery cart. Frozen grapes, really? Everything's anal beads if you try Noah. Don't try that. Okay, but then what do we do after we hide the billions of dollars? What do you even I don't understand the question? Well, I mean like do it do we spend it or well? Hello there Jimmy Jimmy Stewart it is an honor sir. Oh now now you fell on your your pulling my leg

That's that's popping no no, not at all. Huge fan, like genuinely huge fan. So glad you're doing the movie. Well, I can't wait to hear all about it. Right, okay, so so you play this kindly, lonely old janitor named Mr. Kruger. Yeah, so he works in this building and lives alone with his cat

and has nobody to spend Christmas with. Oh, I see a real tugger on the heartstrings. Yeah, right. No, exactly. And all through the movie, he's like fantasizing about having friends and a community and a family and people that care about him, but they're always just daydreams. But then some real carolers come to the door and the little girl with the carolers, she leaves her gloves in his apartment. Aw, and then?

Oh, get ready for it. Oh, I'm ready. They go back and get the gloves. And then what? Oh, then they, I don't know, I don't have dinner. I think maybe turkey dinner. So wait, he's Mr. Kroger doesn't turn out to be anybody's lost uncle or find a family.

No, no, no, no, but you know, he gets to, it's a good dinner with them. Yeah. He gets to go to dinner with them. Hmm turkey Fuck it. I'm in. Ah So excited. I have crippling PTSD. You do you do it's true And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a janitor Janiting Stodying I don't know I will say Alfonso Krant totally stole the fucking opening for Roma from this movie though Obviously, that's what I've always said. I've always said

Yeah, he's sweeping up like pine tree crumbs on the floor of a building. Yeah, mm-hmm. Which is weird I don't know. Everybody's got like leperist Christmas trees in 19 and whatever. And just as he finishes another, this is apparently a real problem for him, because just as he finishes, a guy comes through with like another Christmas tree

that he's giving shaken babysit from the entire way to the elevator. He's swinging it over his head, doing the backbreaker, elbow dropping in. Back in 1980, did everyone go get their Christmas tree on Christmas fucking Eve? Yeah. Right? Because this is supposed to be, you know, you got to get some December in there. The whole thing is to, yeah, it's depressing as soon as Christmas is over. All right. But Mr. Kroger, he's got the Christmas spirit and he's like, oh, that's fine.

And as long as it's a Christmas tree, I'll sweep again. I really wanted like a Jewish guy with muddy shoes to walk through the lobby and frim to lose his shit. No, damn it. I just finished walking. You know what? I leave it there. I leave it there.

The mud stays. I even cleaned the hallway of that Muslim guy in 44 B for 16 weeks. But Jesus loved pine trees, those were. Yeah, he was into them available. All right, so yes. And now I guess he's gonna go by himself with Christmas tree after he gets done working. So he goes out on the street and he just starts

like randomly yelling Merry Christmas at people. They don't yell it back and that's what's real sad, I guess. It's like a subway preacher trying to say Merry Christmas and every just like, come on man, nobody cares, get out of here. No way. She's getting all mad. I said Merry Christmas, fuck you, okay, fuck you. You know what?

Very good. God's in it. Also, like, narratively, I understand that this is supposed to be said, like, oh, no one's wishing the the a little old man a Mary Christmas But like no one's ever responded Mary Christmas to a stranger wishing the Mary Christmas and then been like that interaction went awesome He did not ask me if he could talk to me for a minute and then ask me for $40 Oh, you're selling a CD I didn't see that coming Oh, you're selling a CD. I didn't see that coming. Obviously.

I didn't even say my name. So it's crazy. You signed it to me. Oh, yeah. And then of course, when it doesn't with first couple Mary, Christmas's don't work, he just wanders up on some family, you know, looking into some shop window and it's just talking directly to the kids. Hey, is that what you want? Santa to bring you on Christmas morning right there? That one. Yeah. Speaking of which he will do this a lot. If this movie has a theme, it is Mr. Kroger speaks to other people's children without permission.

Right. Yeah. This is exactly. Yeah. This is the only parent that's like, all right, don't, don't, don't talk to the old gross and just carries the kids away. Like, well, yeah, shepherds demand out of the old gross and carries the kids away like well, yeah, it's the man out of the danger.

The first 90 seconds of the movie that the message seems to be when a random elderly person a cost your children on the street just, you know, let it play out. See how it goes. I really wanted the mother to like step into take the kid away and the dad puts his arm in front. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's see where this goes. See what happens. Maybe there's a small bear. He's got a CD. take the kid away and the dad puts his arm in front. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, strange. She doesn't give him anything though, not because they're homophobes. I guess he's just like all paid out on the fucking Mary Christmas sense. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Well, there are the only people who say Mary Christmas back to him essentially, like Mary Christmas wanted Donate. He's like, fuck you. You know what? Who says Mary Christmas is on the street to get out of here? All right. So now he's he looks in this one window and he sees this suit. He sure wishes

Santa would bring him. And this is when we get the first of his many Walter Midi ask fantasy sequences, but his fantasies are also goddamn sad. Like the first one is that like he imagines what it must be like to to buy that suit. It seems like he's more focused on the fact that somebody could be buying multiple hats in the same frame. That's like the biggest, that's a daydream to him. Yep. Yeah. Is two hats in one buy.

Wow. Also, was it just me or did that fantasy have to cut away before the like girl store clerk put on a French made out fit and pegged? Yeah. I felt like there was a very abrupt. Well, yeah, was there a cutaway from that? Well, so he's having this fantasy about buying the suit and I'm thinking like I wanted to go the whole way and like, you know, they's trying to start selling them the reward program

car. The book of receipt is 18 feet long and shit. But no, but like this woman walks up and she's like, why Mr. Kruger, you look dashing in that suit. And I'm like, okay, now this is a fucking daydream. Now I get it. But then it immediately cuts away. Flash cuts back to him in front of the winter. That's right. We're off your whole tongue. You're wrong.

But instead we do this dumbass thing in movies where like somebody's daydreaming and then we cut to the person who's daydreaming and he's apparently been acting out this daydream the whole time. Right. So that one ended with him bowing to the to the woman that would set high to him and like holding his hat out to her. So now he's just standing there with his hat out and some guy walks by and gives him a dollar. Right.

Get it? He has his hat out. And he is baffled by this. He's like, I don't understand this at all. I was walking down the street, yelling random sentiments at people. I talked to a child, I didn't know. Then I stared in the window and mined an interaction. I wasn't happening.

And this asshole thought that I was asking for money with the fuck is wrong with people. Right, how do I repeat this transaction though? I got a dollar out of that. That's all thought that I was asking for money. What the fuck was wrong with people? Right. How do I repeat this transaction though? I got a dollar out of that. Yeah, I'm like 398 more of those. You can get that fucking suit. And then he gives the dollar to the Salvation Army though.

Oh yeah, he does. Yeah, that he does. Yeah, I don't want your filthy bum money. Like, hey guys, you know what? You should walk over by that window and have a doodly do and they. I know I got it. It might be a portal to another dimension. I got a dollar and I'm doing way better. You guys have a whole brass band and everything and I'm doing way better. You guys. So you guys all doodly doing the fat guy in the back is definitely

doodly doing. But I think it's not even acknowledging me. He looks like he's, is he getting pegged? All right, so now we got to the Christmas tree store where all the happy families have gathered to buy that last minute Christmas tree. And of course, he's staring all creepily at some couples baby. Oh, he is admiring other people's children like he looks at another table steak, right? I mean, I get my own steak eventually. That's, that's exactly the same.

But it's pretty rough. He's buying his sad tree from like the no family section and has no needles. And it's just falling apart. It's like hand held. It's tiny. It's so fucking sad. This whole thing. Yeah, the one Charlie Brown overlooked, yeah. Yeah. And neither he nor the salesman acknowledged that this fucking sucks, right? They act like this is a totally normal transaction,

which is not a beat you should have in the movie. It should be like, well, I've only got 50 cents. Eh, well then buddy, I can give you this one. But instead he's just like, here's your fucking three needle Christmas tree, Mr. Crow here. Oh, that looks fucking great. Yeah. All right. So he takes the tree home. We get to meet the star of the movie George the obviously female cat. They will refer to my male pronouns throughout. Oh, tell us female because it's a, it's a tortoise show. Those are pins like a calico thing. Genetically, it's almost almost guaranteed to be female. You guys didn't know that? Calico cats.

I said no, no, no. It's I guess it's a cat person thing, but yeah, that's a female cat. I saw the movie cats. Yeah. So he has a little back and forth with his cat. And again, as he pointed out at the beginning, in his imagination, this cat fucking hates him, right? He walks in and he's like, Oh, hello, George, Merry Christmas. No. Oh, oh, George, don't say that. Come on. Oh, George, that's not your word to use. George. He puts the tree on the table, which is sad enough, like this tiny little bullshit

tree just like plops it on the table. And the cats, and he asks the cat, he's like, you like that tree, George? I want the cat to just like backhand it right off the table. Fuck you. Oh, chew cat. And then he puts on a record for our listeners under the age of 50 who don't wear skinny jeans records were giant expensive fragile plates that held one 10,000th of the music you're watched us.

No, yeah. Play more than that. Not exactly, but the math was a lot, but the record player that he has, he's this like kind of poor guy in this basement apartment. He has like a, like a get smart record player that like pops out of like a thing. Is that was that, that was a thing that existed? Was that standard until I have a record player that like comes out of a drawer of its own and like pops up and turns on itself. Like a fucking Swiss army musical device. Yeah, it was pretty fucking sweet.

That was really cool. I want that now. And then okay, so we have to talk about the picture of his his dead wife. Um, now Martha. All dead wives and mothers were named Martha until 1983 apparently, right? She is a handsome woman. She's a handsome, you could, you could slice pastrami on that jaw. Let me tell you. Okay, Martha is Ben Shapiro.

I'm pretty sure. He has put a picture, which we will pass along to Tim so we can put it on the Facebook that is a side by side of Martha and Ben Shapiro. I'm pretty sure he has put a picture, which we will pass along to Tim so he can put it on the Facebook. That is a side by side of Martha and Ben Shapiro. They are. I can take. Oh, well, Martha's in black and white. That's the only difference. Yeah. Yeah. We'll just put a filter on this Ben Shapiro and you can't tell which is with Sephiria. Yeah. She looks like Richard Nixon in drag. Yeah. Except for the Yamaha. Right. Except for the Yamaha. All right.

So he puts on this record, his little Christmas album, and now it's time for another fantasy. This time he'll fantasize about conducting an orchestra or waving his hands about in front of an orchestra. Yeah. He's not conducting so much as he's reenacting a Joe Biden shoulder massage and he did it. Also, he can't even come close to conducting in the right time. Oh, no.

He's talking killing me. It's always fun when someone who doesn't know what conducting is does conducting because they're aware that it's related to the people they're conducting, but there's the hands are the left hands always doing its own thing. There's a lot of like little mouse gestures. The hands always come up towards each other at some point for no reason. Yeah, man, it's arm gestures that part that's all you had. There's anictus. It's fun. Don't forget it. Don't stop doing it. Stop doing it. Like we'll feral with the cowbell. You're killing me. Oh God. So no, I and I'm watching this just writing in my notes like, is this what people fantasized about before porn was ubiquitous? You know,

they had nothing else. Oh, and by the way, this is the Morgman tabernacle choir right here. Hello. Fucking Morgman tabernacle choir shows up right here. All right, so then just as you're thinking to yourself, wow, this is a pretty boring fantasy, he thinks the same thing. So his fantasy fantasizes a better fantasy about a sleigh. Well, does it get better? Well, a different fantasy. It got upgraded from the Mormon Tabernacle choir in their like beautiful

auditorium to a small group of them clunking around in a sleigh. I'm like the front of the sleigh looking back, conducting them. You know the only thing more fun than listening to the Mormon tabernacle choir. That's right. Hanging out with the Mormon tabernacle choir. As soon as we got this shot, I was like, please Jimmy Stewart fall hanging out with the more As soon as we got this shot, I was like, please Jimmy Stewart fall off the slate. Please fall off the slate. Seconds later, he comes so close to fall off the slate. He actually like, lose this balance. Falls back. I got so excited. There were, because he was like 73 or something when they filmed this.

And I do, we're definitely points where I'm like, Oh, don't do that to the 70 year old. Oh, please stop. Leave Mr. Stewart alone. They've got to want to sledge and shit. Anyway, so they make a snowman together him and all these people and then they cheer for him because, you know, it's his fantasy. They're going like, thank you for temporarily imagining us into existence, Mr. Kirk. I don't know what they're cheering here. He also conducts them for a second, like in the middle of playtime.

Like he just stops snowmaning and they do some Christmas tunes. But like, I don't think you can just start waving your arms and acquire and follow you like wherever they are, right? Is that a rule for choirs? Is that how that works? It could be. We don't know. it is that the go Yankees of choirs. Yeah, but then we have this like inception moment where like he has to come out of this fantasy back into the other fantasy. And then in that fantasy, he finishes conducting the choir and they take their sweet fucking time applauding for right. There's a moment in his fantasy where he's like, oh, fuck, you guys aren't gonna clap? No, but they did. And it is, let's be clear, a golf clap, right? Mr. Kroger's deepest Christmas wish is to get golf claps from everyone in Utah's homophobic aunt.

But only the choir applaud. Yes, because there's this long awkward pause. Nobody makes any noise. And then the choir is like, he's still just staring at us. I go, and the audience stays silent the whole time and is very confused why he won't like turn around and address them. The audience at the end of the show for them. All right. Well, I'll tell you what,

while he's basking an imaginary adulation, we're gonna pause for a quick break, but when we come back, we'll dive into even more. Mr. Kruger's Christmas. Oh, this is nice. Just a day at the beach, am I right? Oh, tell me about it. Can't wait to catch some waves.

Hey guys, ready for beach day? Yeah. Aren't you to catch some waves. Hey guys ready for beach day Yeah, aren't you a little hot there? He's What no, I'm good. Why? Okay, I'll bite a why are you wearing a fur coat? Not wearing a fur coat You're you're not wearing a fur coat. No, what? So that's that's just your body. Yeah, okay, okay, I guess maybe other things get a little out of control. It has whatever it has sleeves. It has very obvious. Okay, what am I supposed to do about it? I mean, why not try Man'scaped? Oh, what's Man'scaped?

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I'm in. Now who's up for a skinny dip? Wait, that's not your swimsuit? It is not, no. You maybe we just go to a doctor instead. Nah, okay. Don't you throw a snowball at me, Timmy. I'm gonna.

Don't! Oh, hey there, fellas. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, What are you doing, Mr. Kruger? Oh, I'm conducting you, aren't I? Are you in the choir or not? I mean, yeah, we are in the choir. Right, but we don't like just sing whenever anybody waves their hands at us. But, but you're a choir. Yeah. Okay, and yeah,

we are, but like not, not on demand. Right. So, no, don't you're gonna hurt yourself. You're gonna get hurt. You're Yes, hurt yourself there it is Can I have one of your mittens? Is it to decorate your house? Yes, and no And we're back when we last left off our hero he was imagining how awesome it would be to improperly lead an orchestra and then get clapped for even though the musicians did all the work. Now, we're going to rejoin him getting pulled out of that fantasy by the realization that there are carolers walking down the street outside.

Yeah. He had costs them essentially. He goes up to his weird basement window that can sort of see the street and sticks his face through the bars and he's like, Carol for me now, Carol me, Carol me. Well, Merry Christmas. And at first they can't hear him because they're looking up. Well, because they can clearly hear him and they're like, nobody look at the back. It's way in the basement.

Hello, I live down here in a basement. Do you want to come down here into my basement? Find him up everybody keep moving. Yeah, be fucking back in some like he's being held there against as well They finally are like oh, hi basement person. He's like do you want to come hang out? This is weird. No, we don't wow we would love that but No We don't. Wow. We would love that, but no. And credit where credit's due. This is the first Christmas movie where a round of carolers have just been like, you seem gross. No, thank you. No, a caroling boss gets mad if we have to keep moving. Do a shot with me.

It's my birthday. All right, but yeah, but I guess they are bound by the code of carolers or whatever to come Carol for whoever beckons them. So they decide that they're going to come down to his basement apartment and Carol for him, right? Oh, and just once I really want them to realistically react to his basement apartment. Well, I'll come on in! Gee, thanks, mister.

Now, you all just hold on, and I'll make you some hot chocolate. Oh, well, I'm sorry. What is that smell? What now? Yeah. Sorry, just, you know, really, reeks of cat urine in here. You must know that. You can just like taste it on the egg.

Oh, well, it's that. Is that the furnace? Do you live next to the building's open furnace, like right next to it? A nice and warm down here. We have children with us. You saw that we had children when you invited us down here, right? Just swarmed to hear the carol songs.

But could you not hear them in here? Yeah, window was open. Or did you maybe want to come outside instead of bringing us down into your basement dungeon hot chocolate? Yeah, but I don't see any hot chocolate. Do you even actually have any? No, okay, we're gonna go. Yeah, let's go Where at Christmas? I'm Jewish. Oh It's like a super negative reaction.

Yeah, I had an apartment just like that when you and I met Eli. You recorded your first guest appearance and skating atheist from it. Sure did. Yeah, but your cats weren't like, dude, just don't, okay, we had a company, but your cats weren't like dude just don't okay. We had company but don't start weeping and Show everybody Ben Shapiro in the frame. It's gross. You always do that if you could not over react to a child and you're over reacting to a Yeah, so okay, so he runs around his apartment getting it ready for company and everything and then of course he has to Dive into another little fantasy about what it would be like if his fucking apartment didn't suck, right? Okay. Just to be clear about the evolving daydream that he's having. Now it's to have a kind of fancy enough house to impress carolers that he yells

at on the screen. That is a daydream right now. His fantasy. Pretty fucking fucking sad yeah. So in his fantasy of course he he greets them and he kisses the lady on the hand of them. We come back out into reality and darn it if he's not really kissing the lady on the hand and I'm like, wow, it's a good thing he has much more tame fantasies than me. I was a long hand kiss too. You could see the other actress being like, can I move my hand now? I feel like he's gonna fall. It's like a load bearing hand right now. Jimmy, Jimmy, he also offers them hot chocolate, but instead of preparing or making any steps towards getting them hot chocolate, he just, I fucks the only child in the girl. Oh, that was a high-ready of a

song. Oh, super creepy. any of a song. Oh, super creepy. Yeah. So they're like, they're obligated to do one song apparently. So they're like, kind of like, stepping up the tempo, trying to get the hell out of there. And there's this little

girl staring at him. And then he just starts giving her this really creepy series of looks that she wanders off and he wanders after her. I just wanted to song to like screech to a halt as

though the record had been pulled, even though it was live. Well, the song Wonders off and he wanders after her. I just wanted to song the like screech to a halt as though the record had been pulled, even though it was live. Well, the song they decided on is like, Christmas, Christmas, great. All right. I really wanted the mom to start singing instructions, just like,

heart, hear the bells, carer, we'll come back, come back, carer, carer, carer, carer, carer, come over here, straight to the code, straight to the code, a done, yeah. Heart, hear the bells, Carol, Carol, come over here. Straight to the code, a straight to the code, a done. Yeah. I don't care the bells, there they are.

I've heard them. Great. Everyone got the bells. And they actually play themselves off. He starts, he's being like, please don't leave. I'm going to make chocolate. And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, play in music to leave. And they walk out as they're singing exit music.

Yeah, we'd love to stay, but we're in the middle of the song. Bye. Yeah. Yeah. So the so the little girl wanders off and checks out his nativity scene and moves it around and then the mom's like, oh, don't mess with his stuff. He's like, no, that's all right. I was going to do that. I was going to rearrange it like that. Anyway, please, and he literally says as they walk away, please don't go. Yup. It's so dark. This movie is so dark. You want to listen to my records or look at my picture of vintage Sarah Huckabee's

Center? Go to the dark, go to the dark. It's dark, dark. Meanwhile the whole- the cats sit and they're going like, what am I fucking trapped, live over here? You barely even pet me, said you walked in. I mean, hello, companionship, but go fuck yourself. Oh, really wanted him to turn to George

and be like, what's that George? We have to kill them for leaving us. Perhaps, George. Perhaps. So. All right, so yeah, so they leave, but he's sad for a minute, but then the cat suggests maybe they decorate the tree

and that'll cheer him up, right? So good. The cat's just like, meow, meowman. He's like, I guess you're right. We should decorate the tree and No, no, you definitely got roasted again the cat was going to be like, dude, this is so fucking dark You know what's happening? What do you mean I could hang myself from these pipes in the ceiling? You know what George? We're decorating the tree I saw from these pipes in the ceiling. You don't want George, we're decorating the tree.

Ha ha ha ha. Also, he finishes, like we watch him finish decorating the tree and he steps back. And again, in this Christmas movie, we see him be like, well, that looks like fucking dog checkers in the drawers. Ha ha ha ha.

Well, right, yeah, he decorate this tree. He looks about it and he's like, well, that's not very impressive at all. And then has a fantasy about having a larger tree. Right. And the little girl is there, which is cool and normal and normal and cool. Oh, we got it. She's blurred out like fucking simple shepherd too. I'm like, I'm writing my nose.

I don't want to be in this fantasy anymore. I don't have to do this movie. I'm not obligated by law or anything. Okay, but you had not yet seen the Amish sheet dancers. That point. That's the end. I got bored. I'm where you're not.

I'd forgotten lyrical dance existed until this happened. And then I was like, right, right. White people made up their own less hard version of ballet. Fucking Russian assholes making me stand on my toes that hurts. And of course it's a Mormon movie. So and guys, just be a little more aware, image-wise, you're when you start the dance number, don't have 14 women in one man. Okay, just be aware. But the little girl is dancing with them too and and and and decorate the tree and put

this and like he's really super into this. It's weird how passive a role he's taking in his own fantasy, but you know, I wanted to see him miming this amazing spectator moment in his fantasy. He's respect in his apartment looking. George is just slowly turning on the gas with his little balls. Putting a match next to the fucking fireplace. But then even in this little fantasy, everybody just fucks off. Everyone even is his fantasy has a better place to be than with him. I wanted it to like turn into fucking inception.

Right. He's like, no, make hot chocolate. Come back and then he's fantasy and sizing about the fantasy on staying in the there's two little girls and they're having a pillow fight. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, there are a ton of implications of that fantasy. I don't want to unpack and even more than I don't want Eli to unpack. So we're going to stop there for a minute, but first let me give Ack three of the hard cell. Can Jimmy Stewart defeat the dehumanizing forces of capitalism in time?

Will he finally fantasize about something I can jerk off to? Why doesn't he just volunteer at a shelter or something? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the exciting conclusion of Mr. Kruger's Christmas. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heathen right. Do you love God awful movies? Do you want access to 48 extra bonus episodes? Do you know how fucking expensive diapers are?

Well, then, wait, one? No, sorry, nothing. Go ahead, do the pitch. Okay. Okay, well, why not pledge as nothing good. Do the pitch. Okay. Okay. Well, why not pledge as little as a dollar over at hatred round.com slash God awful. I mean, they're just so expensive. And the kid goes through like 12 a day. Frouah also, can you put one on that he is peed on while you were putting it on?

Cause I feel like you can't, but then he's just always peeing. He is constantly peeing. You also get an RSS feed that works on any podcast player. A hospital bill was like an inner city teacher salary. High level patrons get a bingo call. And the wipes, you can't just buy normal fucking wipes. No, they got to be the water wipes or his ass Spontaneously bursts into flame like the drummer from fucking spinal tap patreon.com Slash got off. I've done laundry 13 times this week Okay, 13 A lot of that's you though Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, me and my sisters are wearing ballerina outfits. Oh, so you guys, you do ballet.

No, no, but we do have the outfits, we're wearing them. And what about the other several dozen of you? Um, I was hoping to just stand here in frame and stare directly into the camera. Can I do that? Oh, that sounds super terrible. Does I Can I do that? Oh, that sounds super. Horrible. Does anyone anyone here have an activity they can actually do? Yes, yes, Mr. Stewart. Yeah, I could climb a ladder. Oh,

but who are we making this movie for again? Um, the Mormons, I think. Oh, this, yeah, that'll be fine. That'll be good. Yeah, this will be good. I want to climb the ladder first. No. And we're back for still more of this shit when we last left off.

Jimmy Stewart was fantasizing about watching other people decorate a larger tree and we're going to rejoin him getting pulled out of that fantasy by old Mrs. McLean banging on the damn pipes to summon him Irish just saying what? Irish classic big it. So do you mean the banging on the pipes is an Irish thing or just the name McLean? Both. Yes. Okay.

Got it. Yeah. Oh, McLean, I think she is. Yeah. So apparently that's like her way of telling him that he needs to stoke the furthest because she's cold. I thought maybe he was, he was implying that like, ah, that's old time he fuck code. She wants to fuck me.

She's banging on the pipe. That's what I was wondering if maybe that's the coach he was trying to send and he just kept stoking the fucking furnace. She keeps asking if I'm up George, what does that mean? Of course I'm up I live here. All right, so and then we cut over to the carolers. This is where the little girl Clarissa realizes that she left her

mittens at the old man's house. The mom. The mom is like, oh, at the old man's house, we can get you new mittens. They're on me. That's really. If you left your hands, we'd get you new hands. We're not going back there. This whole thing is a very taken and plain sight vibe, kiddo. We're just going to get you. You know, I have it on good authority. He's been fantasizing about you since we left. So you've made it into all of his day trends.

There's no way he didn't put his dick in those mittens. That's a hundred percent what happened to those mittens. They don't show it in the movie, but they imply it. It's clear. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, we cut back to him, but they decide, oh, we're going to have to go back and get her mittens, darn it.

So they head back and we cut back over to him. And he's like, like won't let the cat sleep because he's like, well, I need somebody to talk to, right? George, wake up. Let's play wingspan. Come on. It gets fun you just got to wait out the first couple around shorge come on George don't do this to me

and he finds the mittens and in the craziest thing ever captured on film, he just decorates his tree with them, you know, like a normal insane person would. What the fuck was that all about so depressing? He drapes the mittens on his tiny little bullshit tree and it almost falls over. The tree is actually on a tilt because of two mittens. Yeah. Like the dick thing would have been less sad than this, honestly. I really wanted like an extra long sequence of the mittens falling off the tree and him putting it back on falling off the tree

Putting it back on Dream till so he's got to put one on either side and shit. Yeah, Ty and ropes to hold the little limbs up Takes off one of his socks puts it on the third side to try to counter takes off one of his socks, puts it on the third side to try to counter. All right, so, so then he goes to fix the nativity scene that the little girl was planned with. And this is where we drop into the most bizarre of his doodly do's. This is the one where he has this fantasy about being at the nativity. Yes, but again, it's not just him at the nativity, it's him at the nativity, but he's still an awkward piece of shit

Yeah, right because yeah in his own fantasy at the birth of Christ he'd be walking around going Sturge Bay, Sturge Bay, sorry, sorry, oh left something Once I go back, okay, what did you leave? Can you pass the popcorn? What's popcorn? Mr. Kroger everyone's gathered around to see the Christ child, the newborn king, and Mr. Kroger's fucking asking where the bathroom is and asking for ice cream. Who wants cocoa?

Nobody? Nobody wants cocoa, great. It's Israel in the spring asshole gather. So yeah, so he's like, he's wandered around in the native and he's like, Oh, wow, well, girl, the baby Jesus aren't. So he has to have this weird conversation with his baby. Now up until this moment, we've learned that he like is really doing whatever he's doing like, you know, when he bowed and and and held out his hat to the woman in real life,

we cut and he's bowed and hold out his hat out when he kisses the woman's hand in his fantasy. We come out of it and he's kissing a woman's hand in real life. I so wanted to come out of this fantasy and he's just saying all this weird shit to somebody's baby. He's like swaddled and put into a manger. And like again, in his fantasy, he is awkward and stumbling in front of the baby. Like he is getting destroyed by baby Jesus in this conversation. He's like, oh, hello there, baby Jesus.

Fuck, I guess I didn't bring you anything, which is crazy because it's my fantasy. I could bring you some murder right here. I was. But in my dreams, I come unprepared and awkward to the birth of Jesus. Well, then he's like, he thinks, baby, Jesus, we're dying on the crossworm. And I'm just like spoiler alert, dude, come on. Come on, at least let him. He might not want to know yet. It's going to be so hard to nail into those tiny little featsies. Look at him. Oh, I'm just kidding. You'll be a grown up, but imagine you get out.

Is that a good thing if they did it early? They're like a little staple gun. I don't know, I will talk about it later. I'm going to crucify my baby now for comedy. I want you all to know that. Don't do that. Are you sure it's not December? Everybody says it's December.

Also, there's a great moment here too, where he's like, you know, and oh, by the way, Jesus, while we're just chatting, I wanted to thank you for making life so much easier for me and for comforting me when my wife died. Also, whatever the opposite of thanks is for killing my wife since you and God and the Holy Ghost are for one guy. So, I'll help those things.

I know that she was the only known case of milk leg of the face, but I wouldn't burn if you just let her stick around a little bit longer. Also, I'm sorry I yelled at that old lady for breaking her pipes on purpose. What was that? I... She wanted to fuck him.

It turns out that was real. That is old timey fuck code. Right? Yeah, he starts talking about like, oh, and by the way, I apologize for getting all bitchy with that one lady who fixed her pipes just because she was lonely and wanted me there to hang out with her. Oh, gee, we sure became friends and we were real close and then she died because everything is depressing in my life. God, he's interviewing Jesus like the Chris Farley show, right?

Remember the time when I prayed to you. You were in the crucifixion. You remember the big bang? How big was it? Pretty big, right? Oh, yeah, record backwards says Jesus is coming back. Jesus is coming back. And then he concludes by yelling, I love you. You're my closest friend. And I just wrote, I love you. You're my closest friend. friend Jimmy Stewart yelled at a baby. It's good to be back at my job. Yes, super uncomfortable with the 70 plus year old man yelling, I love you to a baby that doesn't seem that into him. No, but the message here is like, what? Did you say something, Mack?

No. When he's doing this weird, like, I love you so much, baby Jesus thing, they have this weird blur filter on stuff and he's bringing his hands to his face, but because they're blurry, I thought he was eating cotton candy. They're just as bad. I really thought Jimmy Stewart was going to take a big bite of cotton candy and be like, hard. Did you want some baby gage?

You gave through to young four and I bet. The next fantasy is cotton candy. All right, but then there's a knock on the door that pulls him out of this fantasy as well, it's mom and calarisa here for the mittens. And they react with appropriate horror at the fact that he decorated his tree with their mittens. Yeah, right, right. Like you kind of expect to might be like,

turn him inside out, honey. If you're gonna put him on now, turn him inside out. Oh, no, don't turn back inside. Turn him back inside. Turn him back inside. Let him down. And as an excuse when they're like, hey, you decorated your home with my child's belongings. He's like, yeah, sorry, let me explain.

That probably seems creepy. I'll make it back. Your child is everything good about Christmas. To which the mom responds, okay, so we're gonna go. We gotta go, we're gonna go. Place caroling to do, yes. But then, with Denny's like, no, wait, wait, I have a gift for young Clarissa.

And he goes and gets the baby Jesus from his nativity scene to give to her. As you just like, well, that was, you just had that, that was not for me. I was just like, if it that was, you just had that. That was not for me. I mean, just like, it's not for me. If it is for me, it's weird. Pretty weird. What am I going to do with just part of an activity?

See, doesn't make any sense. She just throws it in the trash can right outside of this apartment. Oh, I'm watching you. Well, don't hand me garbage. You don't want me to throw it away. And then they go to fuck off. But I'm like, I love this movie. If they just laughed, it just goes, oh, and then the movie. The last shot is just a gun. The door closes and they hear a gun shot from inside the mom's like, keep walking, honey, keep walking.

Oh, God. I'm going to say Clarence the angel shows up 30 minutes afterwards. Fuck, I'm late. Oh, it's just everywhere. You have to clean this. Just ends with George sitting on the couch by himself, happily watching TV or all right, but but just as she's walking out, Clarissa pokes her head back in and says, Hey, do you want to come singing with us?

And mom's like, ah, now you've already said it. Shit. Oh. I don't have a, this is, can't un-set, you seem so excited, fuck. Ah. I was only half paying attention. They go, we need a base.

And I thought they said, do you play the base and I really had this awesome image of mr. Krueger stand in behind I'm just being like spinning in upright base you, you, you, but they invite him out to go caroling with him and to have tricky dinner afterwards. And mom hates this so clearly. She's like, yeah, then we're going to dinner afterwards. And apparently, we're just bringing strangers now. And then they go to leave. And little Clarissa turns to Jimmy Stewart and says, I love you, Mr. Krueger. Mike, that's a little fast, a little quick.

What else? Yeah. Awkward like the Jesus moment. And then somebody is like, hello, I'm the narrator. I'm the narrator. I got stuck in traffic with the angel. Oh, Christmas is love the end. Sorry, real sorry. You know how you need a narrator to know when a movie's over?

That's now goodbye. Yeah, a fucking narrator shows about it nowhere and goes and that's what Christmas is all about. shows about it nowhere and goes. And that's what Christmas is all about, offering a temporary rest by from the loneliness that is your life. But, you know, you send him back to that shitty little apartment at the end of the day and then he had to do Christmas. I mean, this was just the eve.

Oh, so. See, because this was Heath's Christmas future, when the little girl said, I love you, I really wanted Mr. Kroger to be like, I don't love labels, but I'll come get some dinner Tell your daughter she's being weird Yeah, but the movie's like but even if you're lonely this Christmas. Don't worry Jesus loves you the end

and If you're lonely this Christmas, don't worry, Jesus loves you the end. And that's it. I feel like we're Mormon also. We forgot to mention Mormon is the Mormon plus Joe Smith the end. I think a lot of what Mormons were trying to do with filmmaking in the late 70s and through the 80s and everything was trying to distract people from the fact that they were Mormon. They wanted Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to just sound like one of the churches to you. You know what? They should keep doing that. That was a good idea. That's a good idea, right? It's a good policy.

You know, the great way for us to not notice you were Mormon. You just disband that shit all together. All right, so okay, the moral of this story seems to be to me. If you've got a daughter, share her with the janitor, right? Like is that, am I off? Am I missing something? Yeah, or explain to your kids they're not allowed to invite strangers before you go caroling? Okay, that's a good one. That's a good one. It's a cautionary tale. Just leave the mittens, I think that's the...

Yeah. Mittens are disposable with the movie. All right. So that's going to do it for our review of Mr. Kruger's Christmas. It's not going to do it for the episode just yet though, because we still need to quen, quen, quagga, and duos and tupple down on this. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Sure, on a mo. David A.R. Whites. Very first movie. Oh, it's, oh, it sounds so racially sensitive. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring

episode 254 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash God awful and thereby your own only access to an every person of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy this,

show be sure to check our simply shows the skating a the citation data, D and D minus and the skeptic rat available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off movies to gmail.com legal services for this podcast provided by the law offices of P 100 tourists and referencing takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in the form of our right slot and we will draft some on Mars.

All of the music was written in the form of our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used for permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in our life this week for Heathen, right? Neely Bosnick, I'm no illusions, promise to work hard, no no no no no no no no no no no next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. At the end of that turkey dinner, Mr. Kruger was like, hey, so what's everyone doing after this?

And everyone backed out of the room inside. The next day, he realized this movie had actually been Mr. Kruger's Christmas Eve. No. Is a sequel. Mrs. McCallahan stopped banging on the pipes and got on Tinder. McLean, bigot. I'm gonna never on the first try. Awesome.

Good to hear. One, one, two, I'm sorry. Yep, that's in my own head. One, five, two, three, four, five. Got to give it all right. I was like, I'm gonna power through. I'm gonna power through. We're gonna make this happen. All to give it all right. I'm gonna put Ken. I was like, I'm gonna power through. I'm gonna power through.

We're gonna make this happen. No, we didn't. All right, one more time. One, two, three, four, five. I mean, the rule of three was so strong there. It was impossible. Impossible for that to go well. Illegal. I thought it was, as we were going into it, It's impossible impossible for that to go well illegal.

I thought it is I asked we were going into I'm like, it's my turn to fuck it up. It is absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnett. If you see me stew it, rest me a little girl up. Oh, my God.

Fuck out of my way. Hahaha. I'll kill you like I killed all those German civilians. Give me Stuart wrestling a little girl up a ladder fuck out of my way I'll kill you like I killed all those German civilians You think I haven't killed a child before Look at my paintings There's no Zen. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's been really giving me shit recently. Well, they just joined a video beta.

You want to sign up for their video basis? Oh, God, man, boy, does that video beta? Remind everyone why we need models in the world like guys. Guys just hire some people. You can even like just because you don't need specific types of pictures. You just go buy pictures of people. No use you to or even better. Hey Jeff, change your fucking shirt, man.

It's coming in stains from I assume a thousand meals. Oh fucking. It's so long. We had a count to do. Looks great. Look at how good the timing. And then you got a full pizza crust in your beard. Like the ring. It's not even separate. That's crazy. How did you eat the

pizza? You put your head through it like a Victorian rough and ate your way out. So you did. Yes. Oh, don't give he's ideas. I've done that. But proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved. A preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.