God Awful Movies - 256: Transformed

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

This week, our lives peak with our review of Transformed, the story of a kung fu pastor cleaning up the drug problem in her town with the help of Mr. Wrist Control himself, George Dilman. --- If you��d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

But damn it if the bad guys hadn't followed her then. And like they accidentally over music sting that moment like she walks in and we pan to the bad guy and it's like ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII the join us this weekend. We'll regret it for the rest of his goddamn life, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am complete as a human being. No, thank you for asking. I have reached Nirvana. My, my final form, my best self, my hair is blonde now just from watching. And we're also excited to welcome back our third favorite guest massacres. Sorry, forgot Kisha for a second. Our fourth favorite guest massacres improv comic and film massacres extraordinaire Devon, heater Devon, welcome back to the show, sir. I'm back. Who else is ahead of me?

The Kisha Kisha get a get K key. Yeah, I get a get key. Yeah, key. Yeah. Keysha's a little child. So it's just important for me to know. Right. No, no, I get it. Thomas Smith, our buddy from over at serious inquiries only in an opening arguments.

He's our second favorite, very firmly. And our favorite is is Michael Marshall, who is a British skeptic that has the awesome liver pull action. It's like hanging out with a beetle. Okay. That makes sense to me. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. It's a good list. You're on a very good list. So, so tell us, Devin, what will we be breaking down today? Well, we watched transformed a movie about a lady preacher and her karate buddies who just ball kick and face slap.

They get that sweet, you know, you hit that gallbladder seven and you're done. You're done. I'll do it. There's no, there's no counter to the gallbladder seven. Well, as we'll learn, uh, spoiler alert, a certain amount of toe raising turns out to be a real. But it's got to be sequential toe raising. Yes. This was so good.

Amazing. Amazing. Yes. Alternating synchronized toe raising. Very important. That's going to make sense. Eventually, folks, we promise that's foreshadowing. We did some foreshadowing there.

So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love correcting people's pronunciation of karate and you think a great pickup line is telling someone how many ways you could kill them using just your thumb, you will love this movie. It is literally wrist control the movie right there is a wrist control demonstration in This Christian movie yep, where he actually says and now I have control of my opponents risks. Yes That's an actual line in the film. It's so goddamn amazing. They called this movie transformed because you will be You will be.

I am DB's estimate of this movie's budget, by the way, $700,000. Not by so much personal protective equipment. It's not possible. They spent $700 on this movie. Oh, physically impossible. There was $699,989 with a cocaine on that budget. I think that's, I think that's what the hammer charges to show up. Okay. That's true. We do see a renegotiator's contract in the middle of the film. So to be fair, literally everyone will renegotiate their contract on absolutely everything in this movie. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst

at? I mean, this is the best depiction of an angel pedophile ninja. I've seen a lot to be fair. Right. No, exactly. The Van diagram of angels, pedophiles, and ninjas is just one big circle. I should point out that character, by the way, is the writer of the film. And as much as the toe-raising joke will eventually make sense later, The angel pedophile ninja will not.

We will just stare in all those three words throughout this entire film and we will never be able to give you any more context for those. I was gonna go with best worth psychic film description. Okay, cause I got an IMDB and on the the film's website and shit, it says this film will be a dramatic and controversial

story about yada yada yada. Like it's a bold prediction of what this film is, in my opinion, that misses my quite a lot. Yep. Yep. I'm gonna go with best worst climactic battle. So kind of already gave it away, angel pedophile ninja. But this movie basically ends with Indiana Jones pulling out the gun and shooting the guy with the

cimitar. That's the like climactic ending of this movie. Well, what I love about this movie is ending is that there were like definitely seven people in an argument about which one of them was the main character that never got resolved, right? I literally like I can't name any character whose name isn't a tool. They compromised and just shot everyone like everyone was the protagonist including the character who will have no backstory lines or purpose Which one of those are you talking about? Literally there's at least three of them I can come up with all right. That's true Well, I tell you what we have kegs worth of kick-ass to tap so we're gonna pause for a quick break But when we come back we'll dive into all the high-flying karate action that is transformed.

Hey everyone, welcome to Terrible Meat Cook Anonymous. I'm Dave. Why don't we go around the room introduce ourselves. Yeah, so I'm also Dave, that's fun. I used to make some pretty bad meat decisions, you know, microwave chicken wings. Hell, microwave steak. But I'm getting better. I'm still getting better. It's very nice, Dave. Hi, I'm Dave. I used to enjoy a well-done steak with extra ketchup. Oh, and how is your recovery coming? Well, thanks to the high quality meat I get from butcher box, I make meat in a way that isn't horrific and disgusting. Wait, wait, what's butcher box?

Well, every month butcher box ship's a curated selection of high quality meat right to my home. All the meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones and each box has a 9-11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. Packed fresh and ship frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way. I can customize my box or go with one of theirs. Either way, I get exactly what I want. Wow, that does sound good. It is, and they even have free shipping nationwide, except Alaska and Hawaii.

So mark a visit to the meat counter off your list and receive quality meats delivered to your door now. Just go to put your box dot com slash awful. That's put your box dot com slash awful. You know, if you mix that beef with some Worcestershire sauce and some onions, those make some great burgers. No, Dave. Sorry. Salt Pepper only at right before you grill. I'm so sorry. I know better than that. All right. Welcome to the first day of shooting for transformed. All right. So why don't we just go around the table and introduce ourselves? I must go first. Okay. You. Hi, everyone. I am fascinated white guy. Uh, I'm kind of shlubby. Live in the middle of Bayon, New Jersey.

However, for some unimaginable reason I have dedicated most of my life to studying caroté that I will never, ever need. No matter how furiously I yell at people in line at Costco. Okay. All right, that's great. I have magic powers. You sure do. Okay.

Well, you, you sure. Hey, everybody. I'm a big guy. I'm larger than most humans. So I want to series of karate tournaments or whatever. I'm not particularly good at karate, but I am bigger than and a meme and I enjoy hurting people. So, you know, it's funny, right? Right. It sure is. Yep. Yeah, that's true. And I'm Asian guy. I just want to clarify,

martial arts really is the equivalent of like soccer in my country, but it's been really fetishized by Western imperialism that people act like everything I say is magic, which is only a thing. I said that. Oh my god. That's amazing. Right? Yes, but in some other language that I don't speak.

Yeah. For clarity, I speak English as a second language, which is just incredibly difficult to do. So, uh, everyone could give me a break when I miss one of your nonsensical, non-consistent pronouns. Uh, I'd really appreciate it. Uh, I do not understand the word he said. All right, who's ready to make a movie?

I'm ready to hurt me. I will melt you with my mind. That's right. So close to what really was happening there And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with a logo for sky dragon entertainment flying under the screen like we just inserted a five and a half inch floppy disk into a common or 64 this movie was made in 2005 or 64 this movie was made in 2005.

I think a name sky dragon entertainment, just like it begs to have a dragon in the logo. Doesn't it? It's a square. No, you know there was so much complaining about this. Yeah, unfortunately, this is the only sky dragon entertainment production or we'd just be washing all of them. No, this would, this show would be renamed Sky Dragon awful movie. Yeah.

Next week if there were more. Yeah. Is the only movie that created that's so disappointing. Isn't it though? It clearly has more ideas. I think we can maybe start a campaign and get them to come back. Oh, go fund me. Absolutely. We should definitely go. Oh, yeah. We'll see about it after the record.

All right. So we open up on a group of bad guys buying a briefcase full of crime. I don't need this. I don't know that we ever see this particular group of characters again or anything. Just kind of the movie just sort of opens up with there's going to be, you know, karate and crime. Well, not this group of characters again, however, we will see this fat white guy in the wraparound sunglasses again because he will be every drug seller slash buyer throughout the entire film, even though they're all sports to me, different people. And he dies several times throughout the entire film, even though they're all sports, to be different people. And he dies several times throughout the movie. So just get a load of that Jeep Grand Cherokee author right there

because he's gonna be our drug salesman slash purchaser for the rest of the film. We also definitely see this alley a few times. Like yeah, the local East and Scout forgot to find an alley for this movie. But like he has sort of like a driveway behind his house. Right. Yeah. Just use that every single. It's like, it's like, we need a next serious scene. I guess we can shoot in the alley behind my house. I got to call my neighbors and make sure they're cool. Yeah. No, every actor and every location and every prop weapon in this movie will be playing Iron Man through this. Yeah. Okay. So then we get this title screen in which the word corporation is not

properly centered below sky dragon entertainment as though they're intentionally fucking with me personally. And even the goddamn names in the credits seem fake. Like, you see the meme with that Japanese baseball game with the American names? It's like that. Yes. Gina Honda. Yeah. Fucking praying. I definitely there was a moment where I went like that hammer the fist and I was like,

oh shit, I'm just watching porn again. Yeah. Yeah. When Leo Fung as the fist came up, I was like, this is going to be the most disappointing movie I've ever seen where someone's named the fifth. All right. I'm ready. So through these credits, we're getting this nauseating 359 degrees stationary pan around

to this church. Uh-huh. Also, I think important to note that there were three pastors included as production consultants in the opening credits. Oh really? I didn't see that. Oh my goodness. Three pastors were, it was just like production consultants, pastor's zone, pastor's zone, pastor's zone, pastor's zone, and it was just like, you guys are that unfamiliar with the Bible that you need three, three pastors, like very clearly just wandering money? That's how the budget was $700,000.

Exactly. A lot of people need to so long their money. That's extra terrifying when you consider like how much of the religious content of this movie is just like, I love Jesus now. Yes, you do. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. How little did they know before that? So, yeah, so speaking of which, right, because we open up on this lady priest,

this is a pastor, Deb brush. She's going to be the main character, I question mark. And she's given this sermon that's about all the drugs on the streets with the kids and whatnot. There is not a single sentence that she says that actually makes sense. If you write it down and yeah, all of her lines have been put through Google translate into another language and then back into English again, several times. Yeah, like several. But she's talking with the enthusiasm of, you know, someone

who's in a church that's really has a high energy. But the, I just found the audience. I guess that's not what you call the church. But the congregation is like, could not be more bored with her fiery rhetoric. No. Their boredom graduates to hatred as we watch. Yes, exactly. They're taking in the, they offer up an amen as though they were fucking hot people. And then we zoom in on this one kid, this is Kevin. So Kevin, as she's talking, she's gonna be like,

yeah, you guys know about all of the drug king pins in the neighborhood, like Cholo and Spike. And we zoom in on Kevin who's like, I could really go for some cocaine right now. And he's going to have a little flashback to that time that Cholo and Spike came around and gave him and all his eight year old buddies, the time share pitch about being criminals. Oh, my, it's the best, the be a drug, no sales bench, just like, by the way, which involves, I know what eight year olds like fine dining and going to the best pubs in town.

Right. You guys want to eat the best restaurants, go to the best pubs. If you thought about your Roth IRA, I was the worst fighter. Come on, kids. I know what you like. Yeah. And the Pokemon card. And also here's my, here's my stock guy.

He's, he is great. And dental. Oh, yeah. So yeah, once the kids realize that they can't afford not to join this criminal enterprise this Grown-ass man walks up to a nine-year-old and that's the thing is we they didn't use like 14-year-olds If it these kids are like eight nine and ten grown-ass man walks up to this nine-year-old and he goes Have you thought about our little business deal? But the nine-year-old he doesn't want to do business with with Cholo.

Right. To which Cholo responds, all right, I'm not going to lie, I'm disappointed, but know that our offer stands. Do me a favor, check us out on Glassdoor. I think you're going to find we have a really great corporate culture. So if you change your mind, please, please reach out. This is not an off-and-off expires. Apparently, you can say no to drug dealers.

Yeah. Hey, kid, you're going to deal drugs with me or else. No, thanks. All right. Cool, cool, cool. All right. Sorry about that. Or else thing. It's just I'm snacky. You know when you're like, hang around with me. So yeah. And then we, so we cut back into the sermon. She wraps up. And then we caught we cut back into the sermon she wraps up and then we cut immediately from the guy who they were just using as the exemplar when they said eating at the finest restaurants in the city. The man they were pointing at when they said that. We cut to him walking out of a goddamn piece of it.

Okay, I'm so confused by this product placement. Here's my only theory because there will be several very, very prominent pieces of product placement in this movie. I think the people who made transformed were like, yeah, man, you're just put pizza Hut in your movie and then you call them and they're like, you're welcome. And they send you the money. Yeah, right. It's like kidnapping. I film myself every time I go to pizza, I assume that the checks are just in the mail. Yeah. Yeah. No,

I honestly, I believe that's exactly when I've been done. So then, yeah, so he brings pizza back to his kid, Cholo, the big main drug dealer guy. And he's like, the kids like, hey, dad, you're a pretty good dad. And he's like, I sure am. How about we just reinforce that with a montage? This drove me in. I called my friends in the Bay area. And I was like, is that a Disney theme park?

And they were like, no. And I was like, okay, because I'm watching this movie, definitely at a Disney theme park? You're even. And they were like, no. And I was like, okay, because I'm watching this movie definitely at a Disney theme park and then definitely a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. You think I'm not gonna fucking notice that? They did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they did, they, they did, they, they, I'm not, they assume that I'm high watching this movie and they were right.

But still. Yeah. So, first of all, Disney World isn't enough. That's just part of your montage. You get to get to Disney World. I think that's a decent Saturday. You've done your job. Also, here's some other weird fucking product placement.

There is a five goddamn minute film of the Disney parade shot at night with no lighting. Right. Yeah. They went onto the California's board of tours and website and just took everything and mashed it. Oh, there you go. Okay. Worse, I think he just took his vacation videos, right? I think they were like, ah, and then there's a montage, but we can't shoot it. Hey, you've got a son, right? Do you guys ever like hang out?

We can still have the house. And that's that old scene. Well, we have that, the wrap up on it right after the montage is over. The kids sitting there with his dad saying, boy, dad, you sure are a great dad. I hope you don't turn out to be a arch criminal because that'd be super disappointing. Okay, son, fall asleep now to which the child's like, okay. And then the next morning, the kid wakes up. He misses dad mom a little bit.

It is a Christian movie. We've already had a pastor and a dead mom. And then babysitter chick shows up, right? Is she a babysitter or is she just mom for money? I interesting question, interesting question. There'll be a lot of questions about who the fuck she is and why the fuck she shows back up in the movie. So get ready for more of those. But she gets him ready for school. I also, I would have point this out. I know this is a minor thing, but time runs backwards in this school. I also, I would have point this out, I know this is a minor thing,

but time runs backwards in this universe. We open on a Sunday sermon, then we cut to the kid saying, hey, next morning is Saturday, what are we gonna do on Saturday? The following morning the kid has to go to school after Saturday, that's a Friday. Time runs backwards in the universe. It's like memento, you gotta piece it together, right?

So anyway, then we've got this, we also have to cut back to Kevin, the kid that was flashing back in the church sermon. He's getting ready for school too, and he's given his mom a bunch of lip because he's on the drugs now. Right. And mom is wearing her Peno design hoodie, which this actress very clearly insisted on wearing. She's constantly cheating this brand to camera. This fucking fantastic. So I went on a deep dive to find out more about, you know, design.

And unfortunately, they're not very funny. They're just a florist in the bay. Very clearly she owns it. Yeah, right. It's related to somebody who owns it and thought this product placement would be huge for the brand. All right. So we're about to cut over to the school. But first, we have to meet bizarre ominous slow motion trench coat silhouette man. All right. So good. So good. The dramatic music, the silhouette. Who is it? Is the epitaphile? Is it Dick Tracy? I think there's no way this is not a bad. Is the adjule? Is the epitaphile? Is the an ninja? That was the original call for Superman. Not a lot of people. Yeah, right. It's in the first company and changed it. So yeah. So,

so he he'll come back in only the best ways throughout the entire fucking movie. But then we cut the Kevin's mom. She's worried about him. So she sneaks to the school to look around the playground. See if she can see what he's up to. He's nowhere to be found. You know why? He's free-based and cocaine in the back of somebody's car. He's like snorting crack out of a Capri sun. It's really impressive.

I've never seen anyone free-based with a straw. There are nose. I guess you could do that. Seems kind of inefficient, but yeah, okay. That's what he's doing though. But yeah, we were establishing the very important fact that Kevin at nine years old is all about the crack rock. All about the crack rock.

All right, so then we cut to this, oh, God, I love this scene. We cut to this police meeting where the police chief is announcing that firearms have been banned from this city, including for cops. This will never come back. No, right? We will never reference this again, but it does give us an opportunity to introduce the

star of this film, question mark, George Dillman. Oh, see, I was going gonna say the guy who we temporarily land the camera on who has the thickest and longest neck I've ever seen. Oh. They do like a Passover of the so-called extras in this room, and everyone is like, you just smashed the keyboard randomizer

on a dark souls game. It's fucking terrifying. All right. So but we have to talk for a minute about George Doman. Now in the movie, he plays Doman George. That's literally the character's name. He was that just an unnecessary flip, huh? Right. And he's here to explain to all of these police officers how they can get rich by using pressure points. And he's here to explain to all of these police officers how they can get rich by using pressure points. And then there will be pressure points below their pressure points.

And soon the pressure anyway. So he's going to give a I shit you not five minute long demonstration montage in the middle of this film about wrist control. But even better, it's magic wrist control. Yes, yes, because what this guy does is he delivers a series of Chi pinches and the people go, out, out, out, and he goes, see, totally incapacitated. goes see totally incapacitated. Yeah, I like this. If you grab someone's ear and rip it off, it's managing. Yes.

Yes, he demonstrates that my grandma's mad at me and wants me to walk into the other room tech. Now, Devin, you actually have a little background on George Dilvin. Would you care to tell us who he is? Yes, the George Dillman is a, uh, is a little background on George Dilvin. Would you care to tell us who he is? Yes, the George Dilmin is a really great, really fantastic martial artist. He apparently actually very good at karate in the 70s, 80s a while ago.

He has pictures of himself with Muhammad Ali and Bruce Lee. So he at the very least stopped both of those people. Right. And he obviously believes in his pressure point, Chi No Touch Knockouts. So he allows national geographic's debunking show to examine his protege doing no touch knockouts to an Italian scientist who doesn't get knocked out. And his explanation for why he doesn't get knocked out is the greatest thing ever. He's like, well, you know, so first he starts with, he starts with, well, this guy's a total non-belief.

And then recognizes that that means you have to believe that this works for it to work for your knockout technique tracks. And so back tracks. Yes. So he back tracks and he goes, I don't know if I should be saying this on TV, but if your tongue is in the wrong place, that nullifies it. If your one toe is up and one toe is wrong place that nullifies it if your one toe is up and one toe is down that nullifies it.

And then if they try to do it again, you switch the toes and that nullifies it. And if you're breathing that nullifies it and blood is coursing through your body. If you're not my six students at nullify it. Right. Yes. Exactly. That's so it's again like like, like everyone else has ever said they could do no touch knockouts to manipulate. It turns out to be complete horse shit as soon as

you put anyone who doubts it in front of them. And then in the movie, he does this weird demonstration where he starts talking about how, you know, the body is sliced into different quarters and there's different electricity in the various quarters. And as a demonstration to prove that this is correct, he reaches around behind somebody's head and then yanks their hair and he's like, see this hurts. Why would this hurt when I pull his hair and twist his head if it wasn't for his electricity being negative in one place and positive in another? Here's what I will say about George Delvin because we've seen a lot of bullshit martial arts. George Delvin's is the only one I've seen that includes a SNM after care. So literally, he after he does each of the demonstrations, he then holds the person and burps them like a baby and tell them they're okay. Yes.

All right. And so now we have to meet the mayor, our bad guy. The mayor is explaining to his tall Tyler how they will now be dealing drugs with the CIA. And tall Tyler by the way, who will only appear in the scene goes, excuse me, mayor, aren't drugs illegal to which the mayor replies, it's okay. We're under government immunity. Exact quote. If you know what I mean, I do not know what you mean, which like is like a little bit,

like they really don't have to worry about being prosecuted. If this CIA came to them and said, hey, we want to sell drugs in your time. Yeah, no, I think they're pretty much good on that. You are pretty good. Well, hey, why are you doing drugs? Oh, because the CIA showed up and told us we had to. All right.

All right. Well, yeah. We'll talk to them. That's a pretty good excuse. All right. So now we cut to Dillman having dinner with this woman who's going to show up two or three other times in the movie. And who's maybe the same actress as the baby sitter from earlier?

I could never decide whether they're the same person. Oh, that is strong possibility. Interesting mystery. Now they have a conversation here. I can't tell you much about what was said because the background music and chatter of the other diners does not give a god damn that we're trying to listen to this conversation.

You mean someone's nephew's fucking amazing scaband that drowns out the entire world? As far as the chief of police knows and that that there was no volume configuration on t.v.s. and laptops that made this in any way audible it was pretty impressive no it was pretty awful yet but i did pick out that he works for a mysterious government agency which will

remain unnamed throughout the film. His boss and hers is Mr. X. Uh, that never comes back, which is the best. Right. Yes. I just wanted to do one other thing in the scene. So they're supposed to be having dinner. George Stillman is going to town on this. Yeah. While he says his lines. So if you could hear it, which you can't, you would probably hear, Chironewars, we're actually from,

I'm from, which means at some point someone had to be like, hey, George, we're um, it's just like a dinner scene, you know, and if you put a steak in front of me, I'm gonna eat it. You know, Joe, we're probably gonna do multiple takes me, I'm going to eat it. We're probably going to do multiple takes.

Steve probably don't want it. Multiple stakes. Got it. Great. I can't wait. And then, of course, at the end of this scene, we have another shot of slow motion, pedophile angel ninja trench coat silhouette guy. He's less of a silhouette though.

We do get a chance to see that he's in the Asian gentleman in this scene. And then we witness a drug deal. Same white guy. Yeah, they're wraparounds. Yep, yep, he's there. So apparently what we're supposed to be seeing here is that this is on Cholose turf.

And Cholose guys are very protective of drug dealing on their turf, right? So they deal some drugs, which is they run up to a car that drives by and go, here you go, man, here you go. And then the car drives by never once in this movie, by the way, did they use kids to deal drugs? Nope, no, the premise of this movie is that it's bad to use kids to deal drugs. Always adults, only adults buying, only adults selling it's just they just test the drugs on the kids. Yeah, I guess you're just concerned. Would you say you're relate most to cookie, the clown or cookie, the cuckoo fish?

All right. So yes. So one of the guys comes up and he's like, hey man, you can't sell drugs on our turf and the other guys goes, like this is my front yard man. Come on. You can't be like, and so we shoot some um well oh shoots is it quotes here shoots he I've never seen someone fail to pull a gun out and shoot and keep it in the movie it's phenomenal he it's like they couldn't afford slow mo so he's doing it himself, right? He's the moor. I wanted the other guy to move regular motion just like, what are you doing?

Oh, you have a gun. I get it. Yeah. No, I wrote my notes here. Okay. Well, this is where the review has to end because obviously we are all just going to watch that five second death sequence over and over again and continue to do so until we die because nothing will ever be that good again.

Wow. That was pretty goddamn amazing. So sometime later we get cholo, you know, he's chatting with his henchies, including the guy that just shot this kid. He's very upset about the kids shooting, right? He's a dream to hear with the heart of goals yeah heart of gold to the point that he he's he won't say bullshit in the movie he goes uh you you're killing kids were about to do this big deal and you're gonna stir up the media with all this bull crap I'm like wow man it's not all that Christian but it's filled out

the fucking bingo card already do one of you guys murder a kid? Be honest, I'm going to turn around to wherever puts the dead kid on my desk. Not in trouble. Not to mention that we're like two weeks into this movie or 20 minutes into this movie or how it's not. And I have no idea who the hero or the villain are. I think it's both this. Yeah, right. No, you could be correct there, right? So, okay, so then we have to have a quick

scene where we're going to flesh out the pastor, Deborah character. She's going to make a late play at being the main character here. Okay. This is the concerned scene where the characters will end every sentence by accident with concerned. It's just literally the entire time we are concerned. There are crimes and drugs. I am concerned. Are you concerned? Because I'm concerned. Yes, we are concerned. I love that pastor Deborah and mother of murdered child come to the mayor's office and the mayor goes, so how can I help you? Yeah, what do you guys want? This is the murder woman. So how can I help you? Yeah, what do you guys want? It's like, this is the murder woman.

Murder child mom. Like, what do you think my taxes are too high? Yeah, I see exactly. I got these parking tickets. They've been this pop hole outside my house. Do I still get the childcare tax credit at the end of the year? Because I had a kid in the car. I'm sorry, I just got turned around.

Where do I go to pay this parking ticket? Yeah, right. Why don't you have online water bill pay? This is fucking ridiculous. So, okay, preacher lady drives away, because the mayor seems curiously unconcerned about all of the drug dealing at his town. So she's driving away.

She's talking to a nation-generalman that we have not met in the movie yet, who will disappear at a certain point. And she says, you know, I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy in this town. I don't think Cholo is really the main bad guy at all. And the guy nods along and he's like, are you thinking what I'm thinking? And she's like, are you thinking that we should be vigilante pastors because like super here's like Batman because that's what I was thinking.

Vigilante pastors. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Good, good. Nothing better than a vigilante pastor. Is there a better thing? Uh, no way. Not in cinema. Yes. All right. So now we get, we cut back to Kevin.

He's getting home to his mom and giving his mom a bunch of shit because he's on all the drugs, right? This is where he asks, Kevin, was the matter? Did you have a quarrel at school, did you? Was it the hammer, dash or something? Was there a rep scallion involved? Tell me, quarrel. I bet she, did you have a quarrel?

Can we just say fight? No. I'm saying quarrel. I'm saying quarrel and I'm wearing this hat for my florist shop. Oh, yes, I'm wearing this hat for my florist shop. Oh, she's wearing the hat for the floor. That's right. She was. God, I love this woman.

So, and you know, they can't say fight because every time they do, George Dylan runs in the room and pretends to knock you out until you fall down. And then he fucking rocks you to sleep for 20. Yeah, right. Burps you. Yeah. So the mom, the Kevin's mom talks to pastor, dad, bro. She's like, yeah, you know, I'm really worried about my son.

He's acting like a 13 year old ever since he turned 13. You know, it's like, yeah, that's rough. Probably needs to go to church more, you know, because I guess what all you have is a savior. Everything looks like a nail wound. I don't know how that, but it doesn't work. I guess as all you have is a savior, everything looks like a nail wound. I don't know how that but it doesn't work. I guess as well as I thought it would. Anyway, so then this one motion ominous trench coat pedophile angel ninja walks by. Okay, put that out every time that happens.

There's one. Whatever your confuse, he just walks by. And you know, I get. Yeah, right. I got now there's'm filming the Crow three. I don't know what it is. So, okay. So then we get mom going into wake up, and we're going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going, I'm filming the Crow three. And I'm sorry, it is. So, okay. So then we get mom going into wake up, Kevin for school the next day,

but he's dead from all the drugs. Jeez, I can't what a fucking lightweight. He's been doing drugs for that day and now. Oh, come on, kid. And this actress shakes the fuck out of this child actor. Yes. He opens his eyes and is like, ow, stop, stop. If he wasn't dead before, he is now.

Yeah, absolutely. So yes, the kid dies from all the drugs. Mom walks off all barefoot and crazy. We have this all like this long sequence of scenes like establishing that she's lost her mind because of the death of her child. Yeah, it's very sensitive portrayal of the loss of a child's. Just write down my notes and all caps. What is this movie about?

It's like this movie gets distracted every time someone says a sentence, right? It's like if there is like a form of literalism to the script that like every line that is said suddenly becomes what the rest of the movie is about until There's a new line that takes it in a different direction. Yeah. No, it's like memento guy wrote it or something. Yeah Yeah, so but Pastor Deborah comes in and she's like, you know, hey, you've lost your mind because of your son I'm gonna do a Jesus intervention and hug the crazy right out of you, okay? Yeah, I will put you in a headlock until you admit that your son is dead Best line ever is Kevin is no more crazy bitch Yes, that is the

crazy bitch Like first of all like earlier the drug dealer said bull crap and you're gonna Debra Jesus is tired of your bullshit Martha Said Jesus ain't fucking around Alright, so that was a disturbing ass series of scenes and I wasn't ready for it in this silly fucking movie so we're gonna pause to get our heads straight but when we come back we're gonna dive into even more...

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slash GAM K Kevin honey, it's time for school Yeah, all right, mom, just give me one second, okay Everything okay in there honey fucking Fucking, fucking thinking about door of the explore mom. Uh, oh, do you like door of the explore? Like her mom, she fucking rules.

She sees the fucking beginning and the end of culture, man. Have you seen her jump into a map? Uh, no. Well, you should mom. I mean, she fucking sold out when Diego came on the scene. That's fucking society, right? I mean, some dudes just like come across all fucking the fucks and then we give a chance of expansion in any of us and it's hard to the fucking money named Boogey. Booge is fucking to charge God. I hate Diego. It's a fucking nut.

Okay honey, have fun at school. I wish Swiper would just try swiping me. Yeah, I just fucking wish you try to swipe from me. I fucking rip his dick off Okay And we're back for the breakdown and just in case you were starting to doubt that Pastor Deborah was ever gonna kick any ass We're gonna open up on her doing a little Tai Chi in front of a big ass cross with very ominous music going out of the background. Yeah, this music is way more dramatic than Tai Chi. Yes. And to be fair, she's not actually doing Tai Chi. She's just waving her hands Tai Chi-ishly.

She's doing synchronized swimming, standing up. Yeah. So it's not real karate like pressure points. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, there you go. So yeah, and then we see her, we cut straight from her doing the Tai Chi to her going into the middle of the fucking drug dealer

line down meeting. Right? Which like, I assume because of, it's just like smash cuts that it's like the location is like around the corner from where she doing Tai Chi like the drug dealers meet up in her garage. Yeah, right. Like she heard that. But she's like, God, Damon, I was in the middle of my Tai Chi. I'm gonna go tell them off. Oh, we got drug dealers again. You know what they say? If you have one, you have a thousand. So yeah, so she goes in and she's it's the drug dealers it's

Cholo and in his henchies and a bunch of nine year olds. So she goes in there and gives all the kids the three count, right? So if you guys better all leave this drug dealer meeting in one, two, but the idiot doesn't do two and a half. She just counts to three and no way you leave this because you gotta give him a two and a half to think about the consequences of three. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

The kids don't know their cues. So she gets the three and she's like, come on, leave. You fucked up the whole counting. Right. So Cholo's like, all right, I'm sick of her shit. Beat her up, henchman. And then so she gets into a fight with the henchman, but she knows Tai Chi. So she very slowly kicks his ass. They did not even pretend to try to teach her karate or stunt work for this. No, you know what a kick is, right? Yeah, I just do. Just throw one of those out there at Larry. It'll be fine. But like her hammies were sore. So it's a very slow case. Sorry, I jogged yesterday. Yeah, yeah, that'll get Oh, picking up her leg with her hands.

All right, so then I guess from there her in that Asian dude she was with earlier go on a rampage just beating up everyone with cocaine Just assault they just walk into a school hall and anyone with like a tattoo or no See they're like we're gonna fucking She very clearly She very clearly rolls over the pool table and kicks a guy who is entirely uninhabited in this point. Yes, exactly. They just walk in and start beating the fuck out of people. I love at one point there's these two girls that she fights.

Right, so they have a girl on girl fight or something. They both get knocked out, but because those extras would damn if they were going to lay on the ground in those tops, both of them get knocked out into chairs. Yeah. Okay. So great. But the floor is dirty. We have time.

Three of time is sleeping, Ma. We don't. We don't have time. Yeah. So you guys get knocked out. Everyone has their on the pool table or Yes. Oh, shit, I love that scene. So goddamn much.

Not my favorite scene in the movie though. We'll get to that one yet. So then we have to cut to the little scene where the where Cholo's changing is shirt and his henchman comes in and says, you know, doesn't matter what shirt you're wearing. You're a filthy fucking drug dealer. You do know that, right? He's like, man, I just, this shirt was dirty.

I had pit stains and shit. I was just changing my shirt. I was like, all right, just so you know, you didn't change into a different person. When you change that shirt, you're just still the evil fucker you were when you have the other shirt on. He's like, yeah, no, I know. He's also three feet shorter than the actor who plays Cholo, which was so distracting for this scene because he's like, obviously doing this like face to face thing, except

he's face to facing with his belly button. He's like, Hey, man, I just want to know. Well, okay, so this actor that plays Cholo, this is Ken Moreno and he's fucking huge. He's like poor man, Stannie Trejo. You've seen him in a bunch of different movies. He was in like the fugitive I think. He was in, I don't know, I looked at his IMDB page. There was a couple of movies that were like,

oh, okay, yeah, he was gigantic Hispanic guy in that movie. That's right. So yeah, he's a goddamn giant. But when this other character is supposed to be like intimidating him, it's hard to ignore that fact. Hey, lift me up for a second. Yeah. are supposed to be like intimidating him. It's hard to ignore that fact. Hey, lift me up for a second. Yeah. Let me up on that stool right next to you. Better not ever cross me.

I gotta say, like, it's been so long since I've had like a solid understanding of any of the locations in this movie. Like, did you just all live together? Yeah, right. Cholo's in what I assume is his bedroom putting a shirt on and mini me walks in and it's like, hey, Cholo, and it's like, did you like just break into my house? Like, did I live in a college dorm? Like, what is happening? I don't know. That's not where he lives though, because he keeps his son at this other house,

right? So yeah, and so and then we have to cut to a different group of people do on drugs. And now when I say different group of people, I don't mean different actors. No, still white guy wrap around sunglasses. I wanted so badly when the guy gets out of the car to just be like, did you get shot in the last scene? I don't mean the guy who says, I'm a guy that says, I like people with the same name. Brown shirt, I'm a guy in a white shirt. This is a totally different guy now.

But yeah, so he's dealing drugs. Again, just by walking up to a car, somebody goes, can I have one drugs please and him going, yep, here's one drugs. Do I need to give you money? Nope. Well, first of all, it's, you got my special package. Oh, that's right. Talking about a penis for the first time ever.

Hey, the special package. Oh, you mean the, the, the actual package of drugs you ordered? We don't have to speak an in you window. You're here to buy drugs. If any of us are cops, this is going bad. So, yeah, but so then one of Cholo's guys chose up and confront these two and they're like, Hey, man, you can't sell drugs here either. So they beat him up. They beat up Cholo's guy and they drive off. It's unclear what

they beat him up for stopping them from dealing drugs or for having the tightest belts I've ever seen. I just wanted one of these scenes not to end in violence for them to be like, all right, well, where can we deal drugs? And then it flash cuts to them pointing on a map and he's like, all right, you see this 14 to 5th? There's a lot of good footwear. That's all yours, right? I'm not trying to keep you out of business.

It's just about saturating the market. You understand? No, we understand. You guys want to go to Codoba? it's just about saturating the market. You understand? No, we understand. We understand. You guys want to go to Codoba? But no, instead they beat this guy up. One second later, Cholo shows up. So it's time for us to have our car chase

in a $14 budget film, right? Oh my God. Very clearly, everyone's obeying this page with it and using their turn signals and stopping at stop signs. But the music is dramatic, and it's looking over their shoulder a lot. So it's a chase scene. Well, they've added screechy sound effects.

At one point, they speed up the footage. A lot, Charlie Goddamn Chaplin. They sure do. But they don't do, they don't not do that because there's a pedestrian who also starts walking as quickly in the back. That's right. So there's just a lady power walking alongside the car all of a sudden. Well, and then at a certain point they realize apparently, oh, yeah, we're not. All the cool stuff in a car chasing balls, you know, breaking the law or

fucking up the car. So they haven't get out of the car and start a foot race. But the two gentlemen that he's chasing are way heavy fuckers and Cholo is in really good shape. So them trying to film it. It's like, you know, when you're chasing a three year old, but you can't catch him or that fucks up the game. You know, Cholo's like walking by him going, Oh, I'm going to catch you any minute. Oh, you better not get away. They're in different shirts by the time he does get to them because they soaked through his sweat. Oh, I love it so much. Eventually they're like, wait, where did he go? Apparently, Chola

got around behind him and he's like, oh, you know, it'd be awesome if I swing around in front of him. And I hide in this bush until they think I'm gone and when they think I'm gone, I'm gonna jump out and whip their asses and it'll be cool, it'll be fun and awesome. So that's what he does. Good to know that he has a sense of the dramatic. Meanwhile, Fred goddamn Williamson is in this movie as well. Now, I don't expect anybody to recognize

the name Fred Williamson unless they're really into black exploitation movies. He did a lot of like, he was in every goddamn thing back in the 70s and early 80s. Everything that was like low budget and shit. You might recognize him from Dusk to Dawn. He was the big black dude that kicked ass in the last act of of Dusk to Dawn. Would you see him? You'll be like, oh, yeah, he fought somebody and some thing I saw or whatever.

I thought about that mustache while having sex before. Exactly. Exactly. Right. Yeah. But he is suddenly introduced to the movie. He's getting a call from that girl that Dillman George was having lunch with. He is hammer. And they're going to need hammer to also be in this movie. We're putting together wacky martial artists. It appears you're doing clicky stick fighting. So clicky stick fighting guy named Hammer, pressure points guy and this boy little alert, there's a vague blurry guy who I think I also I'm

You might be Jesus. We don't know in the middle of this scene, a cat meows audibly in the background. Yes, and it's just like, no, like, come on. Like, this was easy. But one thing, we, the only thing we know about Hammer is that he wants to get paid. Yeah. And he's like, nope, we did it in that tape. We're really, really.

And they do this thing that they do with everything in the movie where he goes, my usual fee. And she's like, yes. and he's like, great. What a pointless series of sentences. So. And then we get the scene that this movie and my life are all about. This is the scene where George Dillman begins by dropping into a split because Bandam has nothing on this guy.

Nothing. Oh, credit where credit is due. I did not expect George Dillman to be able to do a split. I didn't expect George Dillman to be able to climb like an unbroken set of stairs. So when you drop into a split, I needed time to recover. So there is a not insignificant chance. Those are not his legs. Just throwing that out there. Maybe he can do a split. Maybe this is a blue there budget on this bit of movie magic. So yeah, so he's just out there, you know, doing the splits, stretching it out,

you know, like you do. And this guy walks up and he's like, oh, it's to press your point guy. I don't believe in pressure points. Oh yeah, what if I hit you in the gall bladder foot punch? Yes. He apparently hit the gall bladder spot on his foot, right? So he hits this guy in the foot and his gall bladder hurts. Yeah, huh? I wanted it so badly for the guy to be like, oh my ability to regulate it Lot of people think that's just the pancreas, but the gall bladder is actually really important So but then another guy shows up and he goes, hey, what did you do to my bunny? And George Domey knocks this guy out using theorem and noises and finger waving. Hey, he hypnotizes him like, like, like you do to a cobra and a basket. Just sort of like move around a little bit.

It's like, ah, why am I supposed to be looking? I'm tired. Fun fact, if you go on a deep, deep George Toman dive as I did, all of these extras are his students. Yes. They're in all of his videos. Yes. Amazing. So I think that this isn't, I mean, this is fake in that everything George Toman does

is fake. But I think that he thinks, and his students think that he actually hit them in ballbladder and they went on time. Yes, oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. This was like part movie, part not. The ending bit where he's burping all of them,

where he's like standing around him, going like, oh, you got a bad ass backer, he'll die now. Oh, do you have him? Oh, you don't have him. That was all like, he was pretending that was legit. Yes. Oh, yeah. He doesn't take the camera and he goes,

who was he? I got a little excited. Yes. Right. Yeah. I told Bladder 7 to 2. Oh, yeah. No, though, but that's that's legit. What happened? He does a touchless knockout, which if you've never seen this happen. Oh my God, you're you're really missing out. But what it is is you wave your hands around around a guy's head a lot and then you yell

and because he's in on the scam he falls down and it's hilarious. The only thing funnier is watching them try to do that to anyone who doesn't want to play him. All right. So unfortunately we have to move on from that scene to the scene where the secretary finds the mayor's list of bad guy names in 88 point font. This is the fucking great. We're literally what it's just an large print word document that she's scrolling down and the mayor's name is highlight and she's like,

huh? Like, Clippy makes a cameo. It looks like you work for a corrupt man. Do you? I don't know if you guys read the other names on this list. The names were amazing. Again, this was in 2005. Here are a couple of them.

George W. Rush. Dick Chen. God. Jacques Shapok. Rums felt Johnson. Jesus Christ. I'm so disappointed in myself for not reading. Man, do you know anybody with a real name?

Schmungford. Never mind. And what I love so much about this is it's just a list of God damn names. Right? There's nothing else. There's no secret plans or whatever. She's just like, wow, this is a list of all the bad guys. Holy shit.

My boss's there. Yeah. Also helpful for the audience that we've never heard the mayor's name before. Right. Yeah. So like, it's like mayor. And then I went, what the fuck were you called the mayor? But the mayor like walks in and she like shuts the file down like he caught her watching

porn or something. So, but he knows something's up, right? He doesn't know what she's found, but he knows she's found something. Man, he should stop storing his private documents on her. Yeah. And they zoom in on him like the dramatic chipmunk. I mean, they almost used the music. It's fucking fantastic.

And again, it's really worth remembering. This movie was made in 2005. Yeah. All right, so the secretary calls Pastor Debra. She's like, I'm pretty sure you're the main character. I don't, I honestly don't know, because if you're the main character, what the fuck is Dylan and George in this movie?

But anyway, I found some incriminating evidence. I need to talk with you, not on the phone right now as we are, but in another scene so that I can get kidnapped between now and then, okay? Okay. Also, when you discover corruption, federal whistleblower laws dictate, you have to call your pastor. I don't call it or certain. No, no.

But yes, so she goes to meet Pastor Deborah to spill the beans, but just then Cholo's guys show up in kidnapper of the easiest kidnapping ever. It was so nice of her to not struggle. Not just not struggle, but she like scoaches herself into the car. She's like, out, out, out my arm pinching me. Well, she starts to struggle and the guy's like, shh, shh, shh, she's like, oh, oh, he said, shh. All right. All right. Library rules. What? Well, I'm going to need a Vinky as well. So, and, and she's so they're like, what are you doing going to see Pastor Debra? She's like, uh, know, a spiritual, uh, guidance. And then they're like, they pull out her three and a half inch fucking floppy disk and go, uh, again, 2005, we

worked over floppy disks, right? I believe we were. We got to be at the CD ROM by 2005. They had to take, like, they had to get this donated to them by a library, right? The lab is, looks like you guys need this. You can go, one of the judges will be like, Oh, that's disc one of seven of Jill of the jungle. Don't worry about it. So, yeah, according to Google, we stopped using them in 98. So yeah, they maybe had one still lay it around, I guess. And apparently they're going to torture the

secretary now using the slightly further into a split than my hamstrings are comfortable with torture. Oh my God. It's amazing. And they accidentally go a little too far for this actresses comfort. So then they have to scooch the buckets in again. She uses her safe word. Don't overly torture. We want to torture a medium. I remember guys, we're not going to put her in a stress position. We're going to put her in a position. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

They also let her know that they set her up. But yeah, she's a child in danger, man. But not like with the police police with the newspaper, right? Like they had a story planted in the newspaper saying she had been arrested for child and danger, man. Keep that in mind later when the fucking police show up looking for her because of all the child and danger, man. Boy, it's like we told the police to you to child engagement.

Okay. Yeah. I didn't and i think my daughter will cooperate that that that that that why child engagement it's such a weird crime should be frame of the murder that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that hazard in her yard. We have a lot of drugs. We could just get a real high and then go into the... No, no, no, no, those are our drugs. I don't know. All right, so but apparently Pastor Deborah read about this in the newspaper.

So she goes down to the jail to find out like she wants to talk to the mayor secretary at the jail. Now they are gonna tell us this is a jail. Someone's even gonna say, find out like she wants to talk to the mayor secretary at the jail now. They are going to tell us this is a jail. Someone's even going to say this is the only jail in the whole town, but it's very clearly George Dominguez karate dojo. Very because there are signs hanging on the bulletin board about the karate tournament on Thursday. That's actually a jail karate tournament. George has a black belt in karate, but this is the first time he's ever eavesdropped on somebody.

He and his first class in eavesdropping. Don't look at them. No, don't wave so they know you're listening. Don't not alone. Stop nodding along. Yeah, I can't listen with my ears. If they flex their toe, I won't be able to open it. I'm not gonna listen. Don't not alone. Stop not alone. Yeah. I can't listen with my ears. If they flex their toe, I won't be able to open it.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Right. Yeah. But so Pastor Debra comes in and says, I need to see this woman that you arrested for child and danger, man. She's like, what? No, we don't have her. And she's like, oh, that's where it.

And she leaves. Now as soon as she leaves, Dylan and George call her and says, Hey, your friend is being held in a warehouse on 111 street and she's like, how would you know that? And he's like, it will never be explained in the movie, actually. I just, that is, that is where the rest of the movie takes place. I know where you get your shrimp.

I could send you a copy. We could eat, you could watch me eat while I show you. Yeah, great. If you want. And okay, but now 43 minutes into the goddamn movie, slow motion, walking angel pedophile Ninja trench coat guy will finally arrive where he was going that very same warehouse, which really doesn't make sense seeing as he's been heading there the entire movie. That means he knew that she was going to find the mayor's file and then he was going to get a kid after that. And that they when they kidnapped her, they were going to bring her to the thing. I mean, if any of that hadn't worked out, this scene would just be him showing up

and being like, am I really? Oh, fuck. Give me one second. I mean, if you find out that this mom wasn't as an angel, I was trying to see him up with her. Hey, I heard you had a kid you want to endanger. I think I could help out. My theory is that this character is Jesus. And I actually think that's what they

were going for. So yes, of course, he would know all of that. Yeah. So they rescue her. He kicks him as Pastor Deborah comes in. She also kicks him as.

And once everyone's asked this kid, she saves him ass, past her Deborah comes in, she also kicks him ass. Mm-hmm. And once everyone's asses, she saves the secretary and takes her to the church's safe house. This is our retreat house. We don't pay taxes on it. It's, it's kind of bad, honestly, that we have just a big free, don't worry about it. And meanwhile, the ladies like all injured from her torture. I wanted her to be like, thighs. So flexible. So they didn't, you know, listen, when you're, when you, we have to pay hammer, you know, $600,000, $690,000. You don't have to not a lot of room left for lights. No, no. So instead of filming night scenes at night, they just make everything blue.

They just feel like almost the rest of the movie is blue. Yeah. Because it's nighttime. Yes, and they literally, they're not using blue lights, right? They've put a blue filter over the goddamn camera. Yes. And they're filming in the filter over the goddamn camera. Yes. And they're filming in the middle of the fucking, there will be nightbirds chirping in the background.

What is okay, it's like I got a blue filter. So it's nighttime. All right, so meanwhile, elsewhere, some fucking Miami Vice bad guy rejects, walk into a building, do a drug deal, and pedophile trench coat ninja gets pictures of this. Yes. So they're meeting with the mayor's like assistant guy, the one who asked if drugs were illegal earlier before he was

explained that they had political immunity or whatever. But the best part is that he's like, uh, do you guys need to see any ID that I'm actually from the mayor? And they're like, actually, that would make us really happy. If you don't mind, we just love to check your credentials. Oh, okay. Now we'll sell drugs to you. Yeah. Also, like, where did it? Remember how the CIA is involved? They have zero representation.

Right. At no point is someone like, oh, hey, I'm the CIA handler, dad. Don't worry about me. It's like, oh, no, no, no, no, it's the mayor of the mayor hallucinated a meeting. That's why he faces the thing. And also, by the way, so the one guy is in there taking pictures of this, the trench coat, slow motion guy. George Dillman is outside listening through the brick wall with some secret spy device. Oh, God. That's called George.

George, George will sell you this device for $99.99. Yeah. And team. So, yeah, so we cut to Pastor Debra's place, a bunch of cops show up to search for the fugitive secretary who they read about in the newspaper being a child in danger. And she goes, you need a search warrant. And the cop is like, oh, we have one, but just know we don't care about that.

They then look to see if she's in the foyer and got back. Yep, yeah, she's not in the entryway when we answer the door. She's probably not. They look around for one second. Now, she's not there, right? So it's not surprising that they don't find her. But even in their walk one second, they probably shouldn't have noticed slow motion trench coat pedophile walking guy. Seeing as how he's in slow motion. Yep. He's just making a sandwich in the kitchen.

Oh, just a regular slow motion Asian guy. All right, you're good to go here. Yeah, the second the cops leave, they're like, yeah, we've been here for one and a half seconds. We haven't found it, she must not be here. Let's go guys. So they leave. Then one second later, that guy, the slow motion walking

pedophile trench coat ninja guy is in her kitchen. They've never met right right. And of course he's there to give her the photographs he took of the drug deal so that she could give those same photographs to a D.E.A. agent later I don't understand what she does here. I brought you photos of a time share right near Disneyland that could be yours for just four weekends a year. She's like, who are you anyway? He's like, believe it or not, I'm the writer of the film. I wrote this character for myself. I also wanted to be the ninja hero of the movie. So, okay, so she takes those photos to the DEA. She's like, you know, I got

these from a secret pedophile slow motion. And Jay's like, hmm, interesting. They're just pictures of people talking to each other, right? Uh, photos come back when you have a stage reenactment by a group of adorable fifth graders. Okay. You call this evidence. If it's not a tablo v. We don't accept it.

Yeah, even tells me he's like, Hey, all you have here is hearsay. You could get sued for hearsay. I'll tell you what, if you have the actual shipment of drugs in your hands, then we'll look into it. I mean, we'll arrest you because you'll have a shipment of drugs. But they were looking to the. All right. So Pastor Deborah goes back to the safe house again at night, because we can tell because of the blue filter. And we watch her walk around the safe house, check several doors before one of them opens. It opens. She goes in. Yeah. But dammit, if the bad guys hadn't followed her there. And like they accidentally over music sting that moment Like she walks in and we pan to the bad guy and it's like

Wanted it to pan over to a guy with the electric guitar and they're like, put it up, Mike, sorry. So meanwhile inside, pastra, Deborah is leading them in in prayer. She's saying grace before they eat and then she's like, this is her prayer. Basically, dear Jesus, please send back up in the form of a slow motion trench coat karate ninja. But unfortunately for them bad ninjas show up to attack them. Yes, yes. I was so this is a pure sense of ninja's made me so happy. Yes, just rocking the full blown ninja outfit.

Oh, and this is obviously because they only had three stunt as we learned from their drug people, they only have two actors and one of them is a stunt person. So they just dressed people up occasionally like ninjas, but it's a real drag when your church has ninjas. You got to get ninja traps. Then your wife wants you to have a heart ninja traps and you're like, where am I going to release a ninja? Where am I going to release a ninja?

Japan? Because that's what they're from. Yeah. So, but yeah, ninjas attack them. And of course, slow motion, pedophile trench coat ninja shows up. He is, by the way, the best. That's the character's name, the best shows up. Is he not the spider? Is it there a person called the spider in this movie? It doesn't matter. I think there is a spider too. But yeah, no, he's the fist. So the two of them are kicking ninjas asses together. At one point, they literally stop. She says, are you ready? And he says, yes, before they throw the last ninja on the table. Are you ready? Cause I don't want to hurt you. Okay, all right.

Good. Okay. He's ready to go. Hey, are you Jesus? Yeah. Let's go. Yes. Yes. Yes.

She's like, but who are you and then he wanders off all fucking loan ranger slash Batman's less Jesus style? And now Fred Williamson is in town. That's that whole scene. That's it. The best thing about the hammer is he will constantly announce his arrival, but not do anything. He's like, hello, I'm here within the city limits. Well, yeah. And then like they, they, we cut immediately from that to the mayor learning that hammer is in town. And's like dammit. He's a legitimate actor. I'm pretty sure he's the main character of this thing. I don't know for sure. And then okay, I have to fucking point this part out because I love it. So goddamn much. The chick that works for Mr.

X calls George Domemint. I'm sorry, Domemman George. And she says, Hey, the hammer is in town who also works for us But don't be seen with him yet because you know reasons to which Dillman George says yeah, it's like that old saying divide and conquer No No, it's fucking not that's it's in that fucking saying you're dividing the thing you're trying to conquer It's not you divide up and then conquer you fucking idiots All right guys if we want to win this football game, let's only put half our team on the team And pretend not to know the other half of the team when they show up

trust me what the fuck was that all right wait a minute wait a minute so now we are going to introduce another major contender for the star of the show in my mind and that is the tiny little basement we're all 46 of the bad guys get together to awkwardly means pirate themed games

I want to go over this game. There is a gentleman who is the mom's house. There is a gentleman with an eye patch. There is someone's mom wearing a lovely black velvet hat. And then there is another guy wearing a waistcoat because without question, this gang is made up of four people each using one piece of a pirate costume. There's a thing over there with the wooden leg. There's no question that the fourth guy refused to use the wooden leg because he's just wearing a t-shirt and his arms are crossed because they yell at him for not using the wooden leg.

The costume designer went to Halloween adventure. They just sold out of everything. I'm like, I'm a pirate fast. Just like, look, would you give me an $11 budget for costuming this gang? This is what you get. They can share. Yeah, so they, they were sitting around and they're making a deal in the, in the basement. And the deal, as I understand it, is that everyone can have all the drugs that they want, but they have to give 25% of the profits to the mayor, which is an amazing fucking deal. I'm sorry, you're selling cocaine at a 75% markup. Yes, I will take some of that. Jesus.

Yeah, great deal for the criminals. Meanwhile, Fred Williamson literally renegotiates his contract in the middle of the fucking movie. Yes. It's the greatest moment in the world. We just cut to him going like, he's on the phone and he's like, well, you know what would make me feel better. When he's angry, very clear like,

yeah, he goes, what would make me feel a little better as $50,000 more. Okay, and that's it, that's the whole scene. He has done nothing. Listen, I'm doubling my day rate. So all right, so meanwhile, some-year-olds are smoking a joint and some other Drug dealers show up. I don't even know who to I don't think we've met any of these people, right? This was very confusing for me. Okay. Yeah, it was it was a hard time to fall

So in a movie that has already introduced 37 different teams of drug dealers, a different team of drug dealers is dealing drugs and the different, different team of drug dealers comes up to argue about whether they're dealing drugs on their turf. But they need a drug dealing chore wheel. We also just had a scene where all the drug dealers agreed to be on the same team. Yep. That was the immediate previous scene. Yes. So, but yes.

And then this other group of drug dealers shows up. So you can't sell drugs here. And he's like, yes, I can. Paul's not a gun. He shoots the guy he's shooting point blank four times immediately in front of him. And then that guy runs away. Yeah, he misses everyone for sure. Yep, he's just shooting randomly, right? Because you know, once you start shooting your

mind as well as shoot everybody, it's not safe. If you don't have to. Well, right. Yeah. Otherwise, you'll have bullets. Yeah. And those are, those are dangerous. So yeah, so among the people who get shot, actually, I guess the only person that he actually hits is Cholo's kid. No, who was hanging out doing drugs there the whole time. Yes. So it said, now apparently the kid got shot in the head, not in a necessarily bad way, right?

He's alive, he's in a coma. Yeah, he has severe, severe eye shadow as we can see for Yeah, this kid, by the way, is super duper not doing a good job of being an acoma. He keeps licking his lips and shit. Listen, Cholo, listen, we're concerned about the gunshot wound. We have a lot of questions about this eyeshadow. Is it a God thing? So this is where he talks to babysitter lady and she says the doctor says he has 72 hours to get better. And then she sort of trails off and he's like, and then what? And I want to

go to so badly, just be like, well, then he won't get better. If he does, yeah, exactly. Well, I wrote, my nose is like 72 hours to regain consciousness. Is that biblical or what? Like, we won't fucking punish his owner. I mean, come on. Also, it's so distracting, but there's a super, like, burstingly full IV bag right in the center of the frame.

It's a tire thing. I found it very distracting. Yeah, the nurse had to duck out of the shop because she definitely just put that idea. So then of course, Cholo has his like kind of come to Jesus moment where he sure is sorry for all his drug dealing ways and he praised a God to make his son okay again. And in case you couldn't get what was going on, the babysitter character says, and I quote, you have faith, Cholo. Nothing is impossible to God in case you weren't getting it. And then we pan up to the cross, but I guess the camera was heavier. The guy was losing his balance because they've got to struggle. You can feel them like pulling it off a tripod to pan up to a crucifix. was heavy or the guy was losing his balance because they were struggle. You can feel them

like pulling it off a tripod to pan up to a gruesome thing. The hands of God itself was like, I do not want to be in this please don't associate me with your movie. You are not handing to this cross. This is bullshit. And by the way, I have an good authority that pizza hot feels the same way. All right, well, now that this fucking movie has firmly established that it legit belongs on this show and it has the whole time I think we can pause for another break. But first, let me give act three

of the hard sell. Will there ever be a reason for George Dilman's character to exist? Will the fact that guns have been banned ever be revisited? Will they ever explain who the slow-motion walking guy is? No. No on all three. But stick around anyway for the greatest conclusion in the history of God awful movies or any movie at all for that matter. Doc, should straight with me.

This my son gonna live. Well, Cholo, sorry, is that really your name in this movie? That's just, it's just so problematic. Yeah, I try not to think about it tomorrow. Okay, anyway, your son has a very serious head wound. Hopefully he recovers in the next 72 hours. And if he doesn't? Well, if he doesn't recover, he'll die.

Die. Yeah, so I'm afraid so. No, what does that mean? Die. Right, sorry, what is, you're asking me what death is? Mr. Trollor, are you okay? Of course not, look at me. Here's my son with only 27 hours to live. That's not what I said And all I can do to help is wear these big red shoes. Oh, your nose is bleeding, sir

Duck should straight with me is my son gonna live what? is my son gonna live what and we're back for still more of this shit we're gonna open up on the mayor's assistant in church this is where um hammers shows up to have a entirely meaningless conversation with him oh it's phenomenal he's just like look I know that you're part of the mayor's drug deal in ring. So you should turn them over to me and he's like, I don't want a, and he's like, please? Okay, yeah, sure. Okay, yeah, if you say please, yeah, absolutely. But, but he doesn't, nope, he doesn't, right? Like, never comes up.

Yeah, I'm in need of unity. Okay, you got it. Well, I have to, no, still. All right, yeah, right. Well, I don't know. No, still. All right. Yeah, right. So we need more than that. Well, but so what's amazing to me about this

is that they never explain why the hammer would know this. It never has any impact in the larger movie. I think they never explain why anybody would know where this drug deal is happening, right? Right. So yeah, it not like it matters. Everybody just knows what I really need to get to the next scene in this film. Anyway, so then we get the

scene where Cholo is coming to grips with his drug-neiling past. He's looking through his kids room frantically trying to find his stash. Yeah, or maybe he's trying to find the posted note. He wrote down the cure for gunshot wounds to the head on. I wrote my notes. Check his cran box under the pugs, but it's so much thinner than that because it's in the VHS box for James and the giant piece. Yes. The giant plastic VHS tape boxes. Yeah. And by the way, this kid has this enormous bag.

Okay. I want to hang out, this kid has this enormous bag of cocaine. I want to hang out with this kid. This kid can have a lot of bad personality traits. I'll still hang out with it. That's all I'm gonna do. There were like thousands of dollars where the cocaine in this giant bag.

How much money does this kid have? Like Jesus Christ. That's this kid's allowance. He's getting too much. Fucking scar face would tell that kid to slow down. It's, you know, it's a vicious cycle because he shovels the snow at the neighbors and then he buys that coke with the money, then he's faster at shoveling. Yeah. Right. Right. All right. But so, yeah, so Cholo, like looks at this gigantic bag of cocaine and he has this breakdown moment, but then we have magical Bible pages. The Bible just starts blowing up. Why is there a Bible there? Who the

fuck even knows? But a Bible just starts blowing open. And apparently the Bible is just, you know, you ever watched something trying to skip through a thing where you're just like, can you just paraphrase the part of the book that you're looking for and for me, man? It's like that. It takes forever to get all the way to wherever the hell it's trying to get. It stops up the bow show, not suffer a witch from this page. It's like, fuck hold on, I'm sorry. I'm holding hold on. I did not mean for this to stop on fucking Leviticus guys.

Guys, come on, come on. I'm trying to get to the end. They're like cocaine is bad. Page. Any chance they cut your son into 26 pieces? What if you stabbed him? The whole the whole four skin bit. We'll just stay with the four skin bit.

We'll figure it out from there. So. All right, yes. And now we cut to Pastor Debra wrapping up her Sunday services and would you know, at Cholos come to church, right? right everybody leaves and show those still left behind to which she's like oh are you gonna kill me because pressure you're the main bad guy and I'm the main good guy and he's like no I think

I'm a good guy actually if you believe that and she's like no I don't know but he does have an apropos Bible quote she He's like, oh, he must be a real Christian now. Well, the Christians are easy to trick. Just one Bible quote. And I guess you're with me, then. Yep. You'll say, he'll say that weird moment where he's like, my son is about to die and I wrote weird pessimism.

Yeah. All right. So now the henchies come in. They tell Mr. Mayor that Cholo has, has converted and he's Christian now, right? Yeah. These guys get their information like they're watching the moon. I was just thinking that. Cholo was talking to the priest. I think we're fucking trouble. Yeah. All right. So yeah. So then we get more of Cholo sadly looking through his kids room. And there's, I only bring this scene up because there's a moment where he's playing with the

kids Wolverine doll and the actor can't help but get visibly excited when the little claws come out. I see I just wanted him to accidentally find larger and larger stashes of cocaine in each toy. This must be a bag of sugar. No, still cocaine. All right. This must be a bag of sugar. No, still cocaine. All right. Wow. The whole stretch Armstrong filled with cocaine. I talked to my son, not who his source is. It's so. Yeah. That only at a pay 25%. It's great. So then he walks out of the room and somebody hits him with a baseball bat. This is that little tiny henchman that was giving him shit earlier for changing a shirt. It's also the beginning of the fight. It's very, really just the beginning of the fight, start with surprise hitting the head of the baseball bat. It's almost always the end of the fight.

Yep, but no, that's where we're going to open this one. Yeah. Well, so they have this prop baseball bat that they could really hit him with and they were going to get their fucking money's worth out of that, right? Yeah, they hit him a good 17 times with that fucking thing before this scene is over, but then they're like, but we're not gonna kill you Because there are 20 minutes left in the movie. Yes, they say either you die or the preacher dies Listen man, we looked ahead in the script and we know we can't kill you. So we get our information. So apparently he agreed to kill Pastor Deborah. So she glitly goes to the church or he goes to the church to kill her.

And then they have this bizarre fucking exchange, right? That begins with her saying, what happened to your face, but they didn't do anything to it, but there's no makeup or anything to indicate what she's talking about. Yeah, I think they eyeshadowed him, but like, it's obvious these actors was like, good, this girly stuff off me.

And they're like, okay, we'll just have her say what happened to your face. Yeah, kind of like covered his face with blue makeup being a bruise, but then the blue light canceled it out, so we just can't see it. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, because her next line is, what are you doing here this time of night? And they like come back to him. It's very clearly the middle of the day outside, but they have the blue filter going again. And he goes, I was sitting here to kill you. And she's like, you're gonna kill me?

He's like, no, it was weird that they would just trust me to do that after they hit me with a baseball bat. But no, of course not. These are the shark camera angle for him entering the church at this rate, like that point of view, jaws under the water in a mirror angle. And so I, for a second thought, the choosing to be sitting in the church tidying up

and just getting eaten by a shark Nope makes the same amount of sense as the rest of the movie right for this to have turned out to be a shark movie Yeah, no surprise at all the only way to another also he opens that chat by being like I'm here to kill you But I'm not going to sorry I probably should have said that first seemed like I was gonna kill you But I'm not going to sorry, I probably should have said that first seemed like I was going to kill you. I mean, I'd put a dramatic pause in there. Now that I think about it, looking back on this. All right.

So then we have this series of quick shots. We're basically this desperate effort by the director to say no, no, no, no, it's almost over guys. You almost made it. We're almost in the finale because this is where we go back to bad guy basement. We have hammers showing up at the headquarters of the bad guys. We have Dylan showing up at the headquarters. Again, all filmed with the blue filter to make it look like it's nighttime if you're not paying attention. Oh, and also,

by the way, Cholo and pastor Deborah show up at bad guy HQ as well. She's wearing this bright red jacket, but because they shot it with this blue filter, it looks goddamn ridiculous. It was like, it was painted after the fact or something. It's also weird that she was like, all right, time to sneak into the big drug layer. Let me get a nice bright red sports coach. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. They're my guns. I don't want them to shoot me by accident. So yeah, so now, of course, there's a roof sniper at bad guy HQ, but they can take him down by just climbing up on the roof and beating him unconscious with a pipe. Is she brought a pipe? Apparently, yes. Trouble in that again. Like we, all right, all right. Yes For a preacher you sure did beat Amanda death with a pipe All right, so now we got the big drug deal show up where we've got the big band show up everybody hugs You know there's a whole big like oh my god. I have not seen uses the last big drug dealer house your kids

Kind of a moment. Oh there needs to be way more Hockey drug deals and movies Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I'm sorry. Is that one I'd Vinnie? Get over here. Also, their drugs are boxed, but they forgot to click that thing that makes your drugs all come in the same box right from Amazon. So yeah, it's really the same day. And look, so there are like 31 boxes of drugs. We watched them unload the entire van, bring all the we watch people carry boxes for so goddamn long before this is over. We do. I just agree. I'm in one box. All right. So and then of course, this is also where slow motion walking, pedophile trench coat ninja shows up as well, right? Yeah.

And the bad guys are all T-rexes. So if you just sort of move slowly, I can't see you. Yeah, exactly. Well, you have to hold your hands karate style, but yeah, yeah, exactly. And then we watch and I, I don't know what the fuck this was doing in the movie. But we cut back to all the guys who are not carrying the boxes waiting for the boxes to be carried. Oh, awkward silence gang is my favorite part of the movie and I wanted so much more of it. So, so.

So. So. So how did you all form your, your gang? Oh, you know, we, we all got together to do crimes. Then, you know, just kept doing those crimes. Sure, sure. What? Say something. Oh, no, sorry, I was just coughed.

Clear my throat a little. Oh, I got it, got it. Go, Vitt. What? Say something? Oh no, sorry, I was just coughed. Clear my throat a little. Oh, I got it, got it. COVID! I'm just, I'm just kidding. I don't think you have COVID. Yeah. No, I don't. Yeah. You guys like crime? Oh, love it. Yeah, no, we're big into crime.

Yeah, you're cool. Yeah, me too. Yeah, we're all, we, love it. Yeah, no, we're big into crime. Yeah, we're cool. Yeah, me to me. Yeah, we're all okay, you know what? You know what? I'm thinking of a thing and you guys try and guess it. Yeah. Oh, man. I do it. do it. Oh, good. Well, but so here's the reason why it was okay that we had to leave that wonderful, wonderful scene because after that was over, we got to watch Dillman kick some ass with his sweet, sweet wrist control. Oh, his white guy karate noises are my everything.

Cute, cute. Yes, yes, cute. Every stunt person he hits stops and is like, hey, man, did you say Kiehop as a person? All right, so wait, wait, so now everybody, all the people who are competing to be main character of this film have shown up. And the bad guys have to go arm themselves. They walk into this room and there was a room with 67 guns in it, right? This goddamn movie could not afford anything.

They couldn't afford one legitimate actor. They had the one baseball bat that everybody had to use. Everybody had to dress up as fat ninjas later so it wouldn't be so obvious that they used the same people for four different roles. But goddamn it, if this cast couldn't easily Supply 103 guns for this scene, right not just guns guns in cubbies. This guy has gun cubbies Organized by the dewey decimal system Yes, organized by the Dewey Decimal System. Yeah, right, right.

So they go and they get the guns. We have a series of everybody kicking a little ass, right? We get Pastor Debra's kick ass cartwheel neck brake. Oh my God. Okay. If you're listening to this podcast in a safe place, do a cartwheel right now. Okay. Did you do a cartwheel? You did a better cartwheel than Pastor Deborah.

No matter who you are, no matter how it went, if you can hear this, you did a better cartwheel than Pastor Deborah. And yes, bed ridden listener, we're talking to you. Yeah. Especially. Also, the hammer has just, I don't know if we mentioned this. The hammer has been walking around in karate position for like seven minutes. I so wanted him to just walk through the entire finale without ever fighting anybody like

that, you know, without ever coming across to bad guy. So fucking ready. He does, though. This is where he comes across his ninja. Yes, we're complete with ninja stars. So yes, which do you doges? He dodges the ninja stars, but, but this actor is an older gentleman who can't do a convincing dodge. So he just sort of sways to the left and right and then like pauses to check his back in a sciatica and then the sways back again. He's like, yep, dodge those ninjas to us. Yeah. Okay.

So now, Fred Williams for the rest of the film is going to be fighting this same guy. This guy is amazing, right? Because this guy will use like eight different martial arts weapons, which he's very clearly good at. I always good at like j, which he's very clearly good at. I always good at like juggling, right? He's good at doing the flare with them and shit. So he'll like do like three minutes of cool tricks and shit with whichever weapon he's using.

And then Fred Williams, it'll just hit him with a stick. This guy is the human embodiment of the scene in Brea Park where every time you cut back to Brea Park, he has a different weapon. Yeah. Right. Right. And like nowhere to store all these weapons. That he is, it's not like he has a backpack or a double bag.

No, he's a character in Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Oh, crazy billionaire remake. It's just we watched this ninja go to his double bang. Well, all right, okay Arm stitched in what about those Donatello forks Now first of all, that's Raphael and secondly their size Yeah, Eli you look like an idiot Yeah, Eli, you look like an idiot.

All right, yeah. So and then we get a scene where Cholo kicks that little short dude's ass. And again, he's not a short guy. He's probably my height or taller. He's just this short compared to this eight foot dude that keep putting him on screen with. It was nice of Cholo to let the guy take his shirt off so that he could use his weapon more effectively. I don't have as much range of motion in this shirt. It's a little like. Absolutely. I want this to be a fair fight to the death. There's this also this great moment where he's fighting this one guy and like the guy every time he hits him, the guy

falls more dramatically into the boxes behind him. And then he'll get up and hit him again. He throws even more dramatically. That goes on for a good two minutes. He's very obviously just thinking he's doing different takes. Yeah. He's a free. You guys want to reset the boxes? Okay. Hey, you're the professional. It's not me. So now we cut back to Fred Williams and his bad guys do a nunchucks. Yeah. Uh, now because you bet your ass he is. Yeah, we need a nunchucks. We really need a nunchucks.

There's also because we're cutting now in between everybody's fights, right? There's this amazing exchange that I have to point out between Cholo and short henchman guy where he goes a Cholo gets hit a couple times he goes, huh, my son hits harder than you. And the little short henchman guy goes, isn't your son in a coma? He's dead. No, he's not. Stop saying.

He's been 72 hours. If it's been 72 hours, he's dead. He looks at his watch. No, he's totally ill-billed. I buy now. Yeah. I attached a bomb to him. Just a kid. 72 hours if it's been 72 hours he's dead. He looks at his watch. No, he's totally ill-built. I by now. Yeah. I attached a bomb to him just in case.

Also, there's a late play at comic relief here too, right? Like the guy that passed your Deborah's Whiten that decides, no, you know what? I'm going to be funny. I'm going to be the funny guy. Oh, that guy's amazing. Talk about no small parts just small actors They can't really make his point four lines Same. Well, so first this character just watches Pastor Deborah beat up Lady drug theater. Yeah, and all he does is yell words of encouragement to lady drug Yeah, Pastor Deborah wins because fixing stems can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

And then Pastor Deborah does the, does basically like a look behind you run into a pole move. Yep. She just booze at him and he runs into a pole because he's the comic relief. Yeah. And then oh, and then we wrap up, Chola, fight with his arch-nemesis, the henchman guy, I guess, with this amazing exchange. The henchman guy says, you're no better than me, Cholo. Cholo throws him down the stairs and he's like, I'm a lot better.

That's the one. Fantastic. Well, he got fighting. He is, obviously. Yeah. We all have our strength, henchman. Oh, and now, fucking random weapon guy has size. I want that guy in every goddamn movie, right? Like I could just watch like 45 minutes of

this guy in Fred Williams in fighting. Oh yeah, let me get any slow because they're not old. This could have been the whole movie. It really good. So everybody kicks a bunch of ass cholo and pastor Deborah catch the mayor's assistant. And then like the movie doesn't really deal with this, but they're like, ha, ha, we've caught the mayor's assistant. Shit. How are we going to tie the mayor to add? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's fine. Yeah. I only just realized that the mayor just we never see or hear from him ever again. No, right. He just goes on to be the mayor.

Turns out turns out the police show up to arrest him and the CIA shows that we guys don't know he's with us. So he gets to still be mayor. All right. So then we cut back to Cholo. Like everybody's all the bad guys have been beat up. Slow motion walking guy walks away in slow motion. High five is all around.

Yep. Yep. And then we cut back to the hospital. Cholo's kid is still in a coma. Still in a coma. Still in a coma. Now he isn't. So that's good.

Oh, by the way, when Cholo rushes's dog is son and enjoying, he knocks off his IV. Can we talk about the establishing shot of this hospital where the full of hospital is obscured by a bush? Yes, yes. Very clearly, they were filming in the parking lot and a hospital administrator came out and was like, you can't fucking film here. Like get out, there's a hospital. You're blocking an ambulance. So they high back the bush. They high back the bush.

And like, we don't want, we can't get sacred heart memorial hospital, because they'll sue us. So we'll use this bush to obscure the name of the hospital. We just came a memorial hospital. It's just a memorial. That's the same. That's the same, just came a royal hospital. It's just a memorial. We didn't.

Yes. And then we wrap everything up in the same church that it all started in. We listen to them sing a song where the lyrics seem to be God, glory, glory, God, God, glory, glory, glory, God. Yeah. Next time someone tells me religion is good because of the music, I'm going to play them

this. And then, oh, by the way, we also watch, we see Cholo and his kid, the kids combined with a wheelchair forever. I guess like God dialed in the miracle there or something. And the eyeshadow was still very prominent. Yeah, he's still got the eyeshadow problem. Yeah. I was like, you did a lot of cocaine, huh? Listen, I can't, I can't just like listen, you did that much cocaine.

No big deal. Who cares? It is kind of a big deal. So yeah, so like, yeah, then we watch everybody sing the God and then we get a fucking shot of a of a seagull Right, yep, that's what we were looking at at the end. It wasn't a dove It's just a seagull and then it freezes on the seagull and that's the end of the movie The dead past a lot more you wanted a shot of a bird you got a shot of a bird didn't get the rights to dub It was dove memorial hospital. They don't like to talk about it. Yeah, there we go. In the original take someone just threw a bar of soap and they filmed it. Yeah, there you go. They're trying to get with chocolate, though, with chocolate. All right, well, that's going to do

a prior review of Transform, but that's not going to do a really episode just yet because Apex of our existence or no, we still have to review another movie next week. So Eli tell us what's on deck Heavens war All right, so with Heavens war to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 256 to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to Devonator for hanging out with us tonight and perhaps even a huge your thanks All the patreon notice and help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among the ranks You can make a per episode donation a patreon dot com slash god op they're by your early access to an aftery version of our episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a diastitation needed D&D Minus and the skepticrade available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, just cinematic suggestions, you can email godoffemouysademo.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, offices of PA and Rotora, Tim Roppensen takes care of our social media, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slatt, we will draft Sun Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a little chunk of your life this week for Heath and Raint and Eli Bosnick, I'm an Illusion's Provincial Network Harder, and I'll turn it on next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. My drug of choice is Jesus, I am the young one. Trinchcoat Petafile angel ninja was supposed to be Jesus?

I guess? George Dillman would go on to shrink himself down and take out coronavirus once and for all in space. Pfft. That pressure point is to me like. Yes. If you ever fight me, please use it.

I'm gonna go all blotters, doesn't he? Yeah! Uh, can you introduce yourself as such. I'm disappointed that fucking George Dylan apparently very good at karate. Well, yeah, yeah, no, he's a legit martial artist. He's just also full of shit. Well, he basically, he basically was a legit martial artist who got a little bit of fame and went, oh, I've risen to the top of my profession and it turns out karate is

not going to make me a million dollars. But right, but magic karate. Yeah, right. Magic. Karate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's frustrating to know that he could also just kick my ass. You know, like, like, it would be nice to know that like the woo is wooly and a pretty good also just kick my ass without using the Woo if I challenge into a fight he would he knows to not try to knock me out with cheap. He will just punch me in the throat. Right. Yeah, exactly. He's old and fat now. Yeah, I mean, I could probably just move around until he got tired at this point. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm 45 years old at this but I could outrun him I don't even know about that. I don't I quit smoking maybe I can outrun him Um, all right. All right. We ready to go on this first kit But proceeding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved worked.