God Awful Movies - 257: Heaven's War

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Heaven's War, the story of all the movie plots ever conceived being thrown together in a blender and then poured over a bunch of grown men playing swords. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Okay, so the FBI wrote a program into their network that makes any of their computers say out loud, breaching FBI database. Well, not only that, but they even tell you what percentage breached it. I wanted this to be a Siri thing gone wrong right where they're just like no cancel breach data there. Booking you beach vacation. Fucking this is Siri stop Siri no Siri no. Not awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII then right he's welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who's got a sweet, sweet beard right now? No, I do not. Alex Trebek. Really? Just above nothing. He's got a beard now and he is even sexier if that's possible.

He is beautiful with that beard. Hmm. Really wanted you to tie it into this movie. Yes, I did for you to. I was so wrong. Okay, what angle are we taking here? No, okay. I'm gonna tie something into the plot of this movie. Yes. Put it in for you to. I was like, okay, what angle are we taking here? No, okay. I'm going to tie something into the plot of this movie.

Really? That's fair. You pick like the one thing you couldn't theoretically tie to the plot of this movie. Okay. So I'm sorry. Okay. We got this. We got this.

Alex Trebek has the answer. Yes. Boom. There is a scene where we're already done. We're already done. And there is almost no noun that isn't directly related to some element of the convoluted ass plot to this movie nailed it. You're welcome. All right. And you've already heard about I'm going to introduce him anyway 900 miles to my northeast. That's my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli. How you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing Noah. I have seen the omniscient omnipresent movie. Who is no need for any other cinema? Yeah, right now you kind of saw all movies.

You said it's all genres, all plots, all characters. I enjoyed this so much. I don't know why I couldn't really reason why. Huh, so good. I don't know why I couldn't really reason why huh so good huh. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fascinating That's foreshadowing right there. So tell us he's what will we be breaking down today? We watched heavens war It's the story of um I honestly don't know yeah, right Normally like they really fucked me on this formula.

Peace be with you. What happened in them? Do you guys know the plot? Who? There's nothing. I think it's a bomb and a vaccine. There's like a bunch of white senators who all look the same, but I don't know anything.

Yeah. Never before has a movie as that's the determine the difference between so many white men with my stashness. Oh Jesus Christ. Yes, I can explain the plot, but it's going to take the full hour and 50 or whatever this episode ends up being an Eli. How bad was this movie?

Well, if you love action and political intrigue, but the closest you've ever been to action or politics is your DUI chart. You move low. What's amazing about this movie is that they were like, oh, it's going to be like a kick ass heaven battle movie and it's going to be a political thriller. And at no point did they go, do we know anything about any of those concepts? They were just like start filming Chuck. Let's fucking do it after a fact.

Right. No, instead of asking that, they said, oh, oh, in a horror movie. Pretty sure Matt Gates wrote this movie based on the D.I. thing, the not even as politics, but isn't idiot. All right, so it's hard to categorize this movie, but isn't idiot. All right. So it's hard to categorize this movie, but if I was going to put it in a category, I would put it in the see kids Christianity can kick a little a asterisk asterisk to categories, right?

I have a newfound joy with our movies, which is going on Christian cinema dot com and reading the reviews that Christian cinema viewers leave. And the ones from this one are like, all right, well, back up because this is fun for the whole family. Jason born, move over. Yes. All right.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah. Best worst vague angel. Okay. We have some message for you guys. I'm going to eat this one for being the best of being the worst at. Yeah, best worst vague angel. Okay. With the message from God. So the only plot that I did piece together involves a senator who's getting attacked

by the forces of evil somehow. And there's a bomb involved. Yep. And God sends an angel to warn the guy, except the angel spends the entire lead up to the attack just like showing up in plain clothes under cover angel style and being like the crow flies it midnight. Okay, yeah. And the guy said, what the fuck are you? I feel like you might be an angel actually, but now you that's nothing.

You did not help me. Right. We're the angel very clearly could have been like, hey, don't go to such and such a hotel, there's a bomb there. It's for some reason being super coy. Well, the angel could be like, I'm gonna fix a bomb from happening ahead of time. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I won't tell you. We'll get there. But his daddy like spells his name wrong on his Starbucks company. He's like, he'll get it. If like spells his name wrong on his Starbucks companies like they'll get it If you're a Sagittarius There will be a door what what All right, so I was gonna go with best worst understanding of the word vaccine now

I want to be clear. I want to be clear. We watched Vaxed this is not the worst understanding of that word. It's the best worst because they think that it means both vaccine and cure. Yeah. Simultaneously. Yep. And other things. I just, I like, I so want to get the fucking writer of this movie and force him to define vaccine at gunpoint or something. Oh, yeah. They're talking about a vaccine for cancer to be clear.

Yes, right. Yeah, right. Injecting with a little bit of cancer, right? Yeah. And being like, you're not related. You got just the right amount a little bit. Just a, just a weency smidgen of cancer. It's like an Eric Cartman thing

They know that it comes in a needle, but they're not sure how much liquid a vaccine is at certain points of the movie They also change how effective it's fantastic. Oh, yeah. Oh You're right. You're right because they go from 99% working to they like the other end of that equation is 0.1% At some point isn't it? They have no fucking idea. No, they were like, they know what percent means. No, they mean. What do you mean divide by a hundred? That's so many small pieces of paper. I don't have time. Along those lines, I was going to go with best worst understanding of government corruption, right? Because this whole movie apparently revolves around this political intrigue plot, which we will get, I guess legally we have to get to. But when it actually comes to the moment of corruption, they don't know what is legal or not legal for senators to do. They so that one could argue the peak of that plot is the

senators just being like, so you vote for the thing and we'll give you the. Just Senate. What? Use both your vote tokens. What will the amazing thing about the fucking about the corruption plot is that there are 37 elements to it, right? But we never understand what corrupt thing anyone

has done. Yeah. Okay, it's not just me. You guys aren't going to be able to explain the plot. That's fine. I'm going to explain the things that happened. Okay, things happen, I'll give you that. Things technically happen. Yep, and we have 30 years where the things happening and am zero minutes of plot on the other side of this break. So we're gonna keep it brief. But when we come back, we'll dive into the,

all the, I got you, I got you, know you didn't, that is. Yes, I did. Happens more. Your shirt move, your shirt move. Ha ha ha. Every style of shirt move, right? Ha ha ha.

The movie. The TV hand touch. No, we said touch. We said regular touch. So you just drank the whole bottle? It was colorful. Hey guys, what's up? What's up with you? Yeah, heath your hair. You're nails. Oh this yeah, I guess I should explain. I'm quarantine wolf

What's quarantine wolf? Yeah, so with the salons and everything shut down. I guess I guess I let things get a little Little out there. Dude you look like you got cleaned out of a drain. Your feet look like upside down Wolverine. Yeah. Okay, well, what am I supposed to do? I mean, why don't you try Manscaped? Oh.

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Hmm, I don't know. You look like a sloth lost their job, man. You look like the play on piano just stuck to Tom Hanks' feet when he left. Okay. It's accurate, but still. Oh Ha ha Scream Chew I got you I got you that time no you cuz I used my demon shield you can't have a demon shield

We called no demon shield excuse me Fellas fellas. Okay time out time out. No, okay. Okay time out. Oh no. Hi. It's not Noah. Yeah, I just mr. Heifer Hi, I'm a sir heaven feffer. Yeah, hi mr. H not Noah. No, it's Mr. Heffrey. I'm Mr. Heffrey. I'm Mr. Heffrey. Yeah, I'm Mr. H. Not Noah. Yeah, so how's the script for Heffrey's work coming? Awesome. Yeah. So good. So there's going to be a lightning demon and there's going to be another demon. He's got a big hammer. And Gabriel, the angel has a fire sword like, yeah. Yeah, no, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, doesn't sound like a space alien guessing political words with a gun to his head. Yes, you'll add to hear that you did.

Excellent. Awesome. Time in lightning strike. No, no, you can't go time in if you didn't call time out. I just did. No. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on Ephesians 612, which is basically Christian movie for this one's going to have swords and monster makeup, right?

Demons are coming for your vital fluids. Right, right. Here's the exact quote, actually, for we wrestled not against flesh and blood, but against demon princess against powers against the rulers of the darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places. In other words, literal ghost monsters are trying to kill you. This is the real world, take us seriously.

Yeah, always nice when the opening quote of your movie is something you'd cross the street if a guy was yelling. If he lost to him. Well, that's what I thought it was because they put it out on the screen slowly. Like, so you don't see the Ephesians, whatever part of the end. So I was like, what the fuck, weird dark slam poetry from like the movie and how it's

your guy being like, in a world, okay, my throat hurts. I'm just going to tie it. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, it's a Bible quote. Yeah, that tracks. Okay. All right. So we're going to open the movie up in, in

having, I guess we're on this giant golden pool with very Greek statues. And we've got an angel who's looking down at earth. Earth, by the way, is 25% of its surface or so is covered by America. That's the only part of earth you can see. Is this ridiculously large United States of America? Yeah, there's like a Mercator projection of the US on the wall of heaven just to put like push pins on it or whatever. Because it's super important. We should talk about this angel. This is going to be Gabriel. Yep. Right. The main good angel. He looks like a weeboo fantasy of Donald Trump Jr. Right. Is there an angel of date rate because he's definitely the angel of date rate?

Oh, God, the opening line of the movie. As if Ephesians 612 wasn't bad enough, the God damn first spoken line is, is and I quote life is a series of moments. Yeah, jump. Like that is a if that's the first thing on your paper, jump off a high place. You ended all. It's don't go back and rewrite. There's no point in it. Jesus. Jesus life is Art period Life is a for literally Oxford English dictionary defines life as Okay, and the CGI is okay, so the CGI is this weird combination of amazingly too good for this movie and amazingly too bad for a movie Right. Yeah amazingly too bad for a movie, right? Yeah. They spent them, like they did too well with the visual thing on this way. It was beautiful.

Like this beautiful, like heaven mountain that we're seeing. And the whole time, I just want to see like, like a hiker taking a shit on the side of the heaven. I'm walking up. But it all falls apart as soon as any of their CGI has to interact with the real world, right? Because we see this like bit where like he's supposed to, the angel is supposed to catch a drop of water

and it looks so awful and you're just thinking like, you guys had water, right? You could have just seen it as a drop of water. No, it was coronavirus regulations. Yes, I can't use real ones. Union, thanks. persecution. So, yeah, so but apparently he's using this drop of water to drop it on some lady in earth

to trigger a dream sequence, right? And this is going to be the main character's wife. She is a handsome woman. I handsome. I feel awful introducing her as Jonas wife, but I don't know that this character ever gets a name. I do not think her name was Bechtel, Jonah. She looks like Mr. My misstarted identifying as a toy soldier. I don't really know how she wakes up in her dream, right?

She wakes up. She's walking through the hallway with this like, hold on, this isn't a horror movie, is it kind of a look on her face? And of course, she's her husband up late working and just then every goddamn demonic pop scare face from the last 15 years jumps out of the darkness and she gasps a bit, right? She's like, Jonah, you, you, you doing paperwork with the demon in there. So I'll come back later. I'll come back later. That's how subtle her reaction is basically. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She delivers her, Jonah, no, with about oneeighteenth of the intensity of Heath when they're out of guac at Chipotle. Keep it stocked. That's a staple item. So, yeah, so the demon appears, the door closes and then she sees like this ridiculously beepy bomb, right? Because you know, movie bombs always beep and flash and have visible countdown clocks on them and shit.

It's like that. And she's like, Jonah, you hear that bomb beep noise, right? You hear that. You hear that. It's getting faster and faster. It's obvious bomb beep. But yeah, but he doesn't. So he walks in and he explodes and then she wakes up.

It was all a dream. Hey, but at least she didn't sit straight up. Huh? There you go. Small victory. What's happening in your life that you have that nightmare of like demons and bombs in a hotel with your husband? You have some some crazy stuff going on. Well, we're about to find out because it's about and now it's the credit start and we

get this incredibly lazy, like heaping spoonfuls of exposition over the credits. Right. And we find out that that Jonah, the character that she was just dreaming about, is a rising conservative star in the Senate. And we learned that because the news is talking about how he just single handedly defeated attacks increase in single combat. Oh, I'm just liking Damien. Yeah, there's news on and like taxes or declaration of war against the American people. Taxes are domestic terrorism.

I was like, yep, quit the movie. I'm quitting now. Right. Right. This is early. This movie exposits like a toddler telling you why they're crying And then the other senator who is good turn out is gonna be unrelated to the boss He has a

And then we quickly we introduced a couple of senators. We introduced two different bills of tax bill that one senator is upset about a vaccine bill on the other side. And now there are a couple of FBI agents walking and going, we're also with the movie aren't we? Yes, we certainly are, right? Oh, this is the heart and star of the movie, Pam. She will never be called anything, but Pam. Yep. She is the most useless FBI agent in any movie or television show. Yeah. If the romance novel your mom hides under the bed could be a character. Motherfucking Pam, the FBI, so stupid. It's nonsense. She's supposed to be this like genius overseer of all the crime. And she's just like staring out a thousand yards into the nowhere. And her assistant guy,

the consultant, right? Yeah. Some consultant shows up and he's like, Hey, Pam, enjoying the top of the stairway. He's like, don't bother me on top of the stairway. What are you talking about? Right. My spot looking over the city. I'll bat, man. Jesus Christ. I'm about to ruin Hillary Clinton's election. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in speed dating exposition and goes, yes, the FBI doesn't know about the second vaccine at all.

What? Slow down, Moopy. I was so confused. So confused by this whole section. If this whole part is nonsense, they're just like naming things they felt like naming that are Republican talking points. Like the exposition in the movie,

it's just speed yelling the Republican platform. Yes. It's like, right. It's like a white guy. I had too many beers and too much cocaine. And he's at the bar and you're bartending or just like, come on, man. You're dirty money, IEDs and taxation. And that's right. That's what you said. All right. So this is a, I am not exaggerating it. All I wrote this in my notes. We are at seven minutes, 56 seconds into this movie. There are three senators, two FBI agents and FBI consultant, a senator's wife, a tax bill of vaccine bill, a second vaccine, a mole, a bomb plan, a character assassination plan,

and oh, yeah, Greco Roman angels on a floating golden disc above the earth. All of that is introduced before the eight minute mark. That last part is the only part that makes sense in the platform. That's true. I just know who those characters are. Yeah. Oh God. All right. So and now we're going to introduce a new bad guy who has some kind of black male scheme going on with a senator's assistant who is also the mole. Right. Oh, oh, oh, and this is where my best worst start showing up because repeatedly in this scene, they refer to this as the quote, cancer cure vaccine. What it backs in issue against cancer cures. What the fuck with that mean?

And it's the second one. So I was confused. I was like, all right, well, just, you know, poison everyone into autism with the first one. Fake out with the first one. autism with the first one. Because why would you have to hold fake out with the first one? The second one makes our front of you into autistic overly empathetic liberals, like what are you talking about?

Yeah, so, but apparently this blackmailing guy has the data on the vaccine, which he will give to the senator's assistant for ten million dollars if they'll meet him at the bomb hotel from that one lady's dream. My notes here are just what the fuck is happening? Is this a sequel? I just called the movie to see if it's a sequel. I have the same feeling. Was there like a whole TV show that led up to this to the snouty it had a very distinctly like last time on this movie i feel like the momentum guy wrote this movie oh my god

all right so he finishes up with this phone call with the senator's assistant and then we learned that it was all of ruse you see his dad didn't get cured by the cancer vaccine and so now they're going to trick the senators into going to this hotel thinking that they're being blackmailed only to blow them up with a bunch of very complicated looking bombs we we learn at this point that the dad is to cancer to make all of the bombs even, right? He needs to son to help him. He does everything except the last wire and then he's like,

all right, I'm too filled with cancer. Or cancer vaccine, it's not clear. Yeah, right. I'm going to need you to put the black to the black and the red to the red. This morning, I was only like medium cancer. Now, oh, right now, black red, black red. morning, I was only like medium cancer. You know, right now, yeah, black red black red. Okay. Whatever it's fine.

All right. And now, uh, Jonah gets a phone call. There's this great scene here where like we have to show that he's not a very good father. Right. So he gets a phone call and he's like, to a clock. Yeah, I don't have anything important going on it too. And he just crosses out, you know, love my daughter off of his schedule for 10 o'clock. He literally crosses off Chloe. That's his daughter's name. Chloe tennis 2 p.m. Yeah, right. But he's on the phone. He's like, oh, yeah, 2 o'clock

meeting. I got a tennis game in my daughter, but she's fucking terrible. No, so that's canceled. And Chloe's like right around the corner of his office just off. Yeah. Out of his vision being like, I love it. Once again, we have this Christian movie trying and failing to do the you should spend more time with your family because like as far as we can tell up to this point, if you're following along with all 37 goddamn plot strands, this is a senator who's working on a cure for cancer or being the senator is more important than a minister.

That's right. But now he's curing cancer. Right. Uh, when, when the actress who plays Quoey, like leaves the room to pout, there's this moment where the camera pulls in on her and you can tell she very much wants to break the racket as a dramatic moment, but she can't. Yes, yes. There were obviously 12 takes where she just bounced it off the floor. So instead of just sort of glares at it. I love the two stairs at the racket because that's all they can come up with. Yeah. Just like, I guess dad won't be watching me play tennis with this. Here. Let me try it with a tennis ball first and it just wasn't just

dramatic. I guess. Yeah. Also, it's a Wilson racket that has like the Wilson W on it on the strings. But Wilson clearly wanted nothing to do with this stupid fucking spray paint over the W and just make it like a W ish blob that's like filled in. So best. All right. So I know at this point, you're probably thinking of yourself, you know, you're what 10, 12 minutes into this movie. It seems like it could sure use like a, I don't know, combatos mother or something.

Don't worry. We got one of those two. Oh, yeah. The senator apparently, the, the. We got one of those two. Oh yeah. The senator apparently, the senator is leaving and his wife's like, no, no, don't go to work today. I had a dream and he's like, yeah, I'd be a dumbass reason for me to not go to my job as being the fucking senator. Yeah.

And you know what? Just let me look at my, my attenurary. Nope, nothing about demon bombs. So I'm going to go be a senator. She goes, well, maybe you and I could go visit your mom and he goes, my mom's in a coma. What would be the fucking point of that? By the way, mom will not be in a coma for this entire move. The moment we need her as a character, she awakens from her coma.

Yeah, she's in a selective coma, about eight hours a day, you know, at every 24. Yeah, she's a character in the movie in a coma, both at the same time. And literally as he says that, we cut right over to her monitor, which goes to question mark every time you don't want to go visit your mom, she literally dies a little bit. Yes, right, right. That's a weird heart monitor. Okay, now it's an in-terro bank for your heart.

And the doctor's like, she's dying. Oh, no, she's fine. And she's like, right back to normal. Never mind. And then Dr. turns to the nurses and is like, okay, well, either the machine is broken or that was an angel. So I need you guys to check that. Yeah, right. Right. And speaking of which, of course, our angel from before who's dressed like a goddamn, a pop Donald Trump. Yeah, exactly,

exactly. Roman themed Vegas stripper guy shows up. And he's like, don't worry, old lady, we still have need for you in this plot. But as he's doing the demon walks by, right? Because there's another guy dying. There's this demon following him, just like salivating over the bodies about to get and they stare at each other like their exes or something. So fucking good. He's just walking out in the hallway of this hospital, a demon with like black smoke, yeah. And the angel Gabriel looks over and he's like, oh, hello, asriel. You're mother.

Dibs, I called Dibs. I'm doing this so I'm already here. We call that's the rule. I thought it was like a college friend situation like, oh my God, fuck asriel. Asriel, how were, oh, you gotta go? Okay, you go, no, no, no. I'm doing a different one.

I mean, I get you called Dibs. I'm in a different room. Okay, so. Oh, and then we, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get impossible somehow. You can't like, they show the racket and like all the strings are severed through, you can't just do that. You can't like tear that apart. So mom walks in and she's just like, Hey, Chloe, did you eat through the strings? Yeah, Brian, did you take a pair of scissors? Very slowly and carefully. You ready for me to come in and we can look at that now? All right. Oh, and then we have to have the little flashback, I guess, with Jonah, where he learned about

the fact that his mom was dying and the last thing that she wanted was for him to not be an atheist anymore. And his caricature, Azeus, is the best. They're walking along like a stream and she's like, Joe, now I've been praying for you and he's like, fuck you, mom. I want to cover a few bingo squares. So cancer, mom, got it. Probably, Vivo, I said now, there's a problem with people. Yeah. And also, like, again, guys, the caricature of the atheist, he's like, well, you know, mom, now that you just told me that you have two months left to live, I'd like to take a chance to explain to you how the afterlife is a myth and that you

are just going to die, right? His faith a good way to solve problems. So, and mom says, okay, but without God, life doesn't make any sense except I guess literally right now I'm dying of pancreatic. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay, but where would the pancreatic cancer come from? And then okay, so now we cut back over to Capitol Hill where we see Jonah chewing out the

movie's first African American character, right, his assistant. I'm sorry, did I say first, the movie's only at no, wait, wait, wait, no, what are the FBI agents that kids killed later? Yep. Yep. We do get them. Yep. Yeah.

So we get these two senators facing off and we introduced yet another senator who is going to intervene on behalf of a fourth cent, fuck you. Oh, this was a new one. I think so. Yeah, this would, it wasn't rushed in or Jonah, right? No. Yeah. So Senator White again.

Right. Yeah, exactly. But he's like, yeah, I can, you know, solve your problems from one of those strands of exposition by introducing you to another strand of exposition. All you have to do is meet me at the hotel, your wife dreamed you would explode in. This is also where we meet the assistant, right? Jane. Oh, yes, uh-huh. Now, this character will never matter, except for we're gonna be guilted about this later. She's like, hi, I'm Jane, a huge fan of your penis. Yeah, I love your penis.

Yeah, he has to stare at her ass long enough, brush to know that he lost it after her in his heart. That'll come back later. She gives him her card. She's like, here's my card. Just to be clear, this is for fucking stuff for business. You can give me the business. Business is fucking. Right. Let's have sex now. So then we end up with the the bomber guys dressed as maintenance men heading into the hotel,

right? The guys who are maintenance men heading into the hotel right the guys who are going to blow up the senators. Yeah. We see them placing the bombs on the wall and I like that it matters where on the wall they place the bombs like if they put the bombs all in the left bottom corner of the wall. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

The bombs go off. It's just confetti. Fuck. Okay. I told you, Spasum. We got easily stud finders. Oh, and we should also wait at the FBI is setting up a sting on this very same hotel room at this very same moment.

So we cut to them real quick, go in like, hey, guys, be sure we put a camera in that hallway. Why if there were some people trying to set a bomb in the room next door, we wouldn't even know it right now. So they go out, but it's just too late. The guys are going in to set off the bomb in the room next door, right? Yeah. And then okay. So as this is happening, we also have Jonah, the film's protagonist heading to this hotel and running into Keith's best worst. He starts getting all these like imagine if it's the beginning of Julia Caesar, people just kept coming up to him and saying like 16 22 for 9 11 21. Wait, what?

Those are some of those. No, were you doing primes? No, they're not primes. Fuck what? God is sending in passive aggressive notes like a shitty roommate Don't put my dishes on my bed if you want me to do the dishes just ask No, but this angel literally says just like pops up and is like Don't go there is another way and then is gone yep, they guys like hey wait. Are you what are you?

Really vague angel poof? Okay, okay, and then he appears later Yep. And you guys like, hey, wait, are you, what? Are you a really vague angel poof? Okay, okay. And then he appears later as a homeless guy holding a sign that just says, your path leads to destruction. Is like, do you mean me specifically, or is that that's more of a general for all of the people drive, all the people drive by? Okay, just making sure.

Okay. I wanted to see that angel back in heaven with God, being like, hey, so, uh, yeah, I delivered the warning about the bomb to the senator guy. Cool. Cool. Well, what would you say to him? I said, don't go. There's another way. So nailed it. Set. That all you said. That's yeah. The whole thing. I think he got it. You want me to go back and do something about the mom? Yeah, but let's wait until there's only two seconds left on the beeps, right? Okay, two seconds.

All right. All right. It'd be tight. So now we cut back to Pam, right? And her boss was a entirely new character, right? And he goes, what the hell is the plot, even? And she's like, all right, are you ready for this? A fifth sandwich. We've been going after Baker, but there's someone bigger. There's not, by the way, there's not someone bigger than Baker. This is just,

it's just fucking a misdirect from this movie's four Senator to bummer one wire tap plot. Next up in the plot. Yeah. These six more senators. They're all white. Yeah, right, right. No, yeah, I guess they didn't really give us all that many compared to how many they couldn't give us. All right.

So now we cut to these senators trying to figure out how to get Jonah, the main character, to vote for their medical reform bill. I'm going to save you some trouble. This is the vaccine bill. Okay, they like, they hold in the vaccine bill at some points in medical reform bill. It's not yet another bill you have to keep track of. This is the vaccine bill, right? It's the SB forced needle. Yeah. And this is, this was my best worst because again, like these actors are all in the scene and they're just like, so again, if you do the stuff that you want, then we can arrange for you.

The thing to happen. We will win the Senate. I knew we needed it. We needed a sixth sender. This is, this is all going to shape. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, exactly.

All right. So now the bombers are about to leave, right? They've got their bomb all set up. They've just got to get away and set off the explosive using their 1918 cell phone. And again, we get that like bomb that makes noise for no reason. They put it on the wall. And again, we get that bomb that makes noise for no reason thing. Yeah. They put it on the wall. They're in the hotel room next to this meeting

that they set up and they're putting the bombs up against the wall so that they're gonna blow through and hit everybody in the next room. And they turn it on, they set it off at the cell phone and there's like a, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, it's like really obvious and loud. And the sun's like, hey, dad, great, great bombs. Like, bomb arming noise, like really obvious and loud.

And the sun's like, Hey, dad, great, great bombs. I guess just can we make them without the speaker that makes a bomb arming noise? No, standard, standard. How much did the speaker clock? You're a device. I had to put an extra adreno board on there and everything. Yes. Okay. Is it Bluetooth?

Yeah. Cool. Oh, it's there and everything. Yes. Okay. Is it Bluetooth? Yeah. Cool. Oh, it's disconnecting. Ah. It's a second. It's because the car's on. This is also where we get the great moment with the camera.

So again, for some reason this movie insisted on doing like a sliding doors-esque relationship between these bombers and the FBI. So as the bombers are going in, the FBI comes out and puts the camera in the hallway, like no one mentioned earlier, but then the bombers come out in this scene and they see the camera and the dad is just like, it's okay. He's just like I'm in a camera dad. Don't look at the camera. My name is cold. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so the FBI agent, she and they can see that one of them's got a gun sticking out of it the back of his pants Which is kind of how you want to roll in and out of a crime?

So they go out into the hallway to stop them at the same time the angel now shows up realizing that he probably should have gone More specific with Jonah the bombs are about to go off He starts trying to diffuse them, but damn it if a demon doesn't show up to knife fight him in the middle of the house. Oh, we don't go last minute eyes. Only quick enough to get two bombs. Oh, beans. This is. We should have just made the bombs go up like Cokeville. You remember Cokeville? Yeah, right. So or so many other solutions we could have just, you know, not let this happen. I don't know. Or just been more specific with our bum sign. Yes. But yes, but he does manage to diffuse two of the bombs unfortunately. There are four. That's why you have to have

him spaced out. He so that like so that the angel can't get them all in one space. He has to move about. Yeah, angels are notoriously slow inside of hotel room. Exactly. Well, the Coke fill had one bomb. Nobody got hurt. This one had four and several people got hurt. So obviously, yeah. All right. Yeah.

And then so the bomb exposed, but just in the angel rushes through and gives Jonah a big angel hug like a protective angel hug. Mm-hmm. Yeah. This angel is a very limited skill set in In based on my knowledge of angel. He feels like a B team angel, you know, absolutely Absolutely, and he's fucking Gabriel. Yeah, they really, they really didn't get that character correct. He like he got a good shift somehow that weekend. All right, well, tell you what, the main character exploding is not the end of the movie, but I kind of want to pause there and let everybody linger on how funny it would be to set up that much plot and just blow the guy up.

So we're going to pause there for a second, but we'll be back soon with even more. Heaven's War. And so then I tweeted back, no, you have a face like a weasel. Ah, no way. Crazy. But then he says to me, right? He, dude, how do you stand this? Okay.

Oh, this with, with Eli, yeah, I've got my Raycon's. What's Raycon? Raycon makes earbuds and they started about half the price of any other premium wireless earbuds on the market And they sound just as amazing as other top audio brands. Wow, they do Yeah, and their newest model the everyday e25 earbuds are their best ones yet with six hours of playtime e25 earbuds are their best ones yet with six hours of playtime, seamless Bluetooth pairing, more bass, and a more compact design that gives you a nice noise isolating fit. Raycon earbuds are both stylish and discrete with no dangling wires or those stems to distract anyone during your video calls.

Raycon's actually sent us a pair to try out and they've become my full-time headphones for workouts, walks, everything. Workouts, you say. Well, how do sent us a pair to try out and they've become my full-time headphones for workouts, walks, everything. Workouts, you say. Well, how do I get a pair? Great question, because now's the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slashgam. That's buyraycon.com slashgam. For 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds by raycon.com

slash Gam nice in the meantime, could I maybe um, borrow yours? No. Tyler Tyler get in here. Uh, yes, Mr. God. Uh, you want to expose it a bit just in case people don't know or listen to all the shows. Oh, right. Yes. Oh, Ron. Yes. Overall, skeptic rap Trump has an assistant named Tall Tyler. And on Skating, God is Trump. And Tyler is his angelic helper or Satan, depending on what the skate calls for.

Yeah, angel helper. Exactly. Great. Skeaches all set up. Anyway, I got a huge assignment for you today, Tagwondo. Great. Is it cancer? Cause I looked into it.

And I think we could actually just get so much better than cancer. Starvation? Better. You are going to fight for the soul of a junior senator. Okay, why? Well, if you must know, I lost AOC. So now I don't have a complete set of junior senators. So what I'm thinking, you know she's not a senator, don't you?, I lost AOC. So now I don't have a complete set of junior senators. So what I'm thinking is- You know she's not a senator, don't you? I do not know that. I see. Right, but surely there are other people better suited for angelic battle.

You talking about me? Jesus! How long have you been standing there? Hold on. Hold on. But I was trying to swallow a gobb stopper. Okay, you're supposed to suck those. Okay, what am I gay? What? See, why isn't Sarah doing this battle? Sorry, bro, in the penalty box right now. Apparently,

McGog called No Go on a sideways brown eye, so I can't do it. That's true. I really don't want to know. So, okay, so what do I do? I go fight some guys with a sword? Yeah. You're going to fight some guys with a sword and simultaneously convince the junior senator to accept Jesus. That seems like a weird skill combo, but I guess I can try at a boy I knew you could do it. And in the meantime, I think Sarah here has learned a valuable lesson about what she

did. Sure. I pressed my butthole to McGogs open I- I said I didn't want to know. It got really inflamed. One of them's clothes he can't even use one I know. It's crazy. It looks like Qu-moto.

And we're back for more of this shit and we're going to open up on Jonah who has blown up right before we went to break waking up from this explosion in shitty forest heaven. And the angel's there too and he's like, Hey man, did you like save me or not? Like, could you explain the plot of the movie if you're an angel? Maybe just what the fuck is happening? It's amazing how often characters in this movie will turn to someone else and say, can you please explain the goddamn plot and they never will. Name those senators.

I don't think you could. Five different ones. What I love is that Gabriel actually does a superhero landing. Yep, but Gabriel saved him and poofed him to heaven, which in my head means that Gabriel like poofed him down to the heaven zone and then he was like, okay, he's about to wake up.

Sh me. Right. Yeah, just just landed. All superhero eat. He points out the clouds. They're these dark clouds, which are going to be like the forces of evil closing in on Jonah throughout this heaven section of the movie. And he goes, demons are behind those clouds. They're smarter than us. They're faster than I, but I just ran out of my notes, wait, why are the demons smarter than you can for. What a weird way for God to set things up.

It's got a team of really dumb angels. Right. Yes. So yeah, and so he's like, well, what's going on here? And just then these two angels show up with swords and they run by and he's like, don't worry, they're friends. They just want the audience to know that awesome shit is happening elsewhere in this movie. Universe.

It's a different universe paddle. They're doing their thing. They have a shift also. But so before anything interesting can actually happen though, we cut back to the aftermath of the bomb and everyone involved in it waking up. Right? I was like, yeah, that bomb might as well have been a piece of paper with boom written and everyone involved in it waking up. I was like, that bomb might as well be a piece of paper with boom written on it for all the damages to have done. Eli's house is much closer to a bomb after man.

After man. Right. Yeah. Looking at lots more coughing. Absolutely. All right. And then we get this amazing, like, just throw away shot, but we have to talk about it. It's the part where someone is breaching the FBI database. Yes. This is my favorite part of the movie. And we know that's what he's doing because a, the laptop says aloud, breaching FBI database. And also that's what's displayed on screen. Okay. And also that's what's displayed on screen. Okay, so the FBI, the federal bureau of investigation,

wrote a program into their network that makes any of their computers say out loud, preaching FBI database like, like as a nod to the hacker, like, hey, good job, buddy. Yeah, right. Well, not only that, but they even tell you what percentage breached it. Look, a gas gauge. Like, oh, hey, I just wanted to set it at least seven.

I wanted this to be a Siri thing gone wrong, right? Where they're just like, no, cancel breached database. Booking you, beach vacation. Fucking, this is Siri. Stop Siri. No, Siri. No. Bad.

That's me every time my alarm wakes me up. I got one of those echo things and I yell at it. And I'm always like half asleep and I don't know exactly what to say. And I'm just like, Alexa, fucking no. Never. Okay. Alexa fucking no Okay, so we cut away though from the from the database preaching because there's also a fucking sword fight with lighting bolts and a demon hammer Hello Yeah, well, they're not very intelligent. So what this means is, at some point,

angels and demons were hanging out, like doing a negotiation meeting about souls. They're like, all right, well, you guys wanna do like a hammer fight in the spirit realm? And Gabriel was like, I'm doing, I'm doing a meeting with like a main character right there. Okay, but like after that, I guess we can do it here.

Yeah, it's fun. All right, but we're doing swords. You guys, you do your big hammers. We're bringing swords. Got it. Yeah. Okay. And don't dress like the pound sort of fuck dungeon.

That's concerning. And I just want to point out that like this will be probably 99% of the rest of the movie is this awkward bag and forth between the angel convincing Jonah to accept Christ as his savior and sword fighting with Hey, Ty, Ty, and that was quick. How'd you do, buddy? I only got two of the four bombs. Ha, lame. I just, I don't, I don't understand why you didn't just send me down there earlier. Earlier than what? A few seconds before the bombs went off.

What bombs now? You're omnipotent. I am not. I'll get hard right now. Let's go. Tyler, let's rap. What you got to do is give me the old speakeasy wet whistle.

You know, talk about. Please, please don't tell me what that is. Okay, so first you take your labia majora and you separate it. There, and then just that's hard. Good enough. Good enough. I hate this job. And then the space in between them All right, so now Gabriel has to like they they're losing the battle because all of his reinforcements fucking suck throughout this movie in hilarious way

So he has this super-mawai throughout this movie in hilarious ways. So he has this supermoway, Jonah, to that giant golden pool from the opening of the movie. He says, this is the pool of reckoning. And Gabriel's like, do you want to try again with a better name? No, we're all in with it.

Okay, pool of reckoning. That's it. He explains that this is all your thoughts and actions. And I wrote in my notes, my reckoning pool is like 56% come. I'm gonna go be six. Well, now this pool isn't, by the way, it's not just his thoughts and actions, it's everyone's thoughts and actions that ever lived

all in the same pool stored in drops of water. Right, like he'll reach us in and he could. A lot of Eli come now. Yeah, right. Which actually tracks, because you can walk on. Right, yeah. There you go. So at one point here, Gabriel reaches in and he's like, see, here's the drop of water that represents that time. Your dad yelled at you for spilling the paint. And he's like, why have all the fucking drops of water? Would you pull that? You asshole. And John even says like, yeah, my dad was a dick. And Gabriel's like, no, he loved you.

He just didn't show it. So, you know, the useless inside kind of love that doesn't make me... Yeah, I've got a different drop in here somewhere. Fuck, these are hard to sort through. I don't know if time to get through. Are you Christian yet? Your dad hated you kind of.

Is that done? And then he's like, no, I'm not Christian yet. And he's like, okay, all right, Christian yet. And he's like, okay, hold on. Here's the drop of water. This is your daughter's tear from earlier in the movie when you didn't go to a tennis game. And he seems all broken up about this. And that brings up this interesting question.

If he had cried right there while standing in the pool of reckoning, would that fuck up their whole system? I'm like, God damn it, I'm never going to know which tier that was now. It has hasn't even been cataloged. Oh, that was a spirit room tier. Did we mix them? God, it's a, it's a fractal tier now because it's a tier of a tier of a tier of a tier. Are you peeing in the pool? I gotta, you gotta be honest. I got to reboot the whole pool of reckoning. Now great. God damn it. Give me a bucket. All right. So meanwhile, we have other people still waking up in the explosion. So the bombers have woken up in the FBI agents have woken up. The bombers are trying to get away, but they're leaving bloody handprints and footprints

along like a trail of goddamn breadcrumbs. Right. And they're getting pursued by one of the FBI guys who didn't die in the bomb. And he's like following him through a stairwell and he sees blood along the trail of breadcrumbs. I wanted him to taste the blood, do that thing where he like licks it for a second. And he's like, oh, you guys must have had a melty chocolate bar after the bomb. Come on, they're trail. I love to. So he gets close to me. He's like, hey, they're right through this door boss.

I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna take him down, but then they shoot him through the door. And I'm thinking to myself, why no angelic intervention for this asshole? What the fuck is this guy? Is he Jewish? He looks kind of Jewish Maybe he's just Jewish. He's like, no, I can't bother with every single fucking person Jewish guy in the FBI Okay, all right, so then we cut back to that the pool of sad thoughts or whatever and Gabriel's like, hey look

I have another doodly due to show you this is the one where your dad sent you to send in her camp And Jonas says that was the best day of my life. That's some sad shit. Right? The best day of his life was like failing it football. Dad's like, oh, this guy can't fucking catch it. Anything. All right. You're going to go to like Hitler youth camp for conservative moor. That's day of my life. And again, the people who wrote this movie are like, all right. So how do people decide to become centers? I guess they're probably sent to some kind of leadership. Yeah. Yeah.

Leadership Center school. Yeah. Exactly. In the movie Hogwarts. So meanwhile, oh, so we got, we go back to the hackers that are breaching the FBI database and apparently what thereafter is a giant packet of exposition. According to this data that was just sent to us, the beginning of this movie made no sense and we need to explain it back and forth. Explain it back and forth. Explaining back and forth.

Explaining back and forth. So and then we move from the hacking exposition to back to the fucking pool of exposition where Gabriel is apparently so I guess three of the movies five senators did die in this explosion and we're going to like examine each of their sins in a, but this one was a little too hot, you know, kind of a, kind of a manner. Yeah. And the first one, they really start pretty weak here because they go that first Senator thought he could get into heaven just by doing good things. Yep. But he wasn't Christian enough. So he's going to burn in hell.

Sorry, the second one was a fornicator. We should have started with fornicator. I feel like this. Okay, I'll save it on the third one. The third guy wanted power wanted to be a successful senator. Yes. Okay, I feel like I'm still not being clear.

They were all Democrats. God bless. We got it. They were all Democrats. They were godless. All right. So, and now, so we cut back to the bombers, right, who have been like slowly working their way away from the scene of the crime, but they realize now that it's entirely possible that one of those senators might have survived and just been in some kind of weird angelic dream sequence this whole time. So cancer dad is going to go back and check on him, right? Go back and finish the job.

Yeah, just be clear. Now the plot is the bombers, the bombers who we just watched like scrape themselves bloodily down 12 flights of stairs are going to scrape themselves back up the sensor. Oh, fuck, I left my keys one second. I learned a bit. Cancer. So. Yeah, so we go back to Gabriel and the, and Jonah, and he's like, each one of those

senators is going to have to stand before God. Now, and I explain what they did. And he's like, wait a minute, are you saying the other senators are dead? And he's like, dude, I just said they're going to stand before God and give an account of this. What, when else do you do? Yes. Of course they're fucking dead. Okay. But you let him die. Like you fucked up your job as an angel. No.

No, I have more flashback stuff prepared. Right. So now we fucking Gabriel ghost of Christmas presents him like to his state, right? And he's like, do you know any of these people that you represent? He's like, I represent a state, man. It's a senator. It's so amazing because he does like the bad girlfriend thing of just like bringing up everything he doesn't like about Jonah. He's like and you're mean to your secretary and Neighbor there's fun got two years for assault in position of a deadly weapon. Do you ever think about that motherfucker? What the fuck was that even about that was so goddamn weird nonsense

But Gabriel is convinced it's his fault. He's like huh, huh? Gabriel is convinced it's his fault. He's like, huh? Huh? Yeah, he just starts bitching out about all of us. He's like, hey, do you even know the fucking backstory of this cursory side character? I don't think so. We'll never come up again.

Well, then you're a bad father. Okay, I just, it's all a lot less impactful than I was expecting. Your wife also is mad at you that you don't listen to her demon bomb nightmare stories. You know, I was like, okay, well, that one's actually pretty solid. Yeah, that's good. You know, what happened with that. But then again, more demons show up and interrupt the car. Yeah, exactly. They're like, wow, this is kind of boring. How about a fiery sword fight? They will never have a conversation in this movie that Gabriel doesn't end with ah shit. Sorry more demons. Give me a second Like he's a fucking exterminator. Yeah, and by the way, these fucking these fight sequences are

Ridiculous and the actors are obviously having so goddamn much fun. They are. It's nice to know everyone had a good time making this movie. So, okay, so, but this is the first time the demons get the best of him. And so, apparently, when the demons win the sword to hammer fights, they get to like have at Jonah's soul one time, they get to like give him one temptation to see if he turns to the dark side. So, this is the first of those

temptations. All of a sudden in the middle of a goddamn sword fight, Jonah is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. Yeah, and she ordered him his favorite. It hands down. Fanchini Alfredo with the Sparigas, you know the classy shit. I might as well be chicken nuggets cut in half. It's just, it's justparagus. I like the way my pea smells. Like, correct me if I'm wrong, but they just brought them three side dishes, right? There's no main course there.

It's like, your wife, what is your favorite chef boy? Or D? Yeah, okay. This is like the different evil universe. but now he's got a different wife and Jane, the like political operative, the super sexy political operative smart. Yeah, awesome lady is his wife in this universe. He's having his favorite food at his favorite restaurant. His mom is not in a cancer coma.

They're all dinner together. And again, this is the demon evil, like the movie's trying to do the ghost of Christmas future thing, like you're saying, but they got confused about how that works. Well, this is supposed to be demonic temptation. Demonic temptation is dinner with his mother and upgrading from his six to a seven.

I don't know if you notice, but Jane goes to Pilates once a month. Yeah. She doesn't go to Pilates once a month, but she has a membership. So she pays for it. That's worth my soul. Yeah. And he's like, so he's like sitting in the middle of the dinner and Jane gets up and he's just talking to his mom. He's like, mom, none of this makes any sense. This is not like you.

It's more like some weird demon fantasy. And then the demon's like, mother fucker. They got me. And he turns into a demon and throws a knife at him. Right. That actually happens in the movie. Mom turns into a father demon and throws a knife at an angel in a restaurant. And so I wrote that down. I was like, wow, okay, I'm going to write that down. That happened in the movie. And then I was like, I just typed in my life. Mom turns into a fire demon and throws a knife at an angel. Yep. Oh, sentence in my job. And this is important.

We get introduced to the three main bad guy demons. This is Magog, who I have as Ron Pearlman. Okay. This is, what is it, the other one? Dagon. Dagon. Yep. Who I have as Matt Mercer.

Okay. Yeah. It's got the long hair. And then there's fire demon. And I really like fire demon. Yes, he's always on fire. And he doesn't have a face. And I just wanted MacArthur to turn to him and be like,

Seriously, you're still on fire, Frank. Relax. Relax, guy. What's amazing is that they all show up in a burst of fire. It's just everybody else's goes out. I do. That's what I'm doing. That chooses that form. He's like, I just want to be on fire all this.

I wanted them to criticize each other's performance too, because like we're supposed to believe that like that was McGogg pretending to be his wife, which is fucking amazing because I want to like the other demon to show up and be like, I feel like you came out a little strong. It's the guy. Can I say that? You got it. Did I? I thought I was pretty good mom.

No. When I threw the knife, there's going to be the night. It was nice. Well, okay. So the sequence of events here is just amazing. Mom turns into a demon, throws a knife at him. Before the knife can get their Gabriel shows up and like grabs him and pamps away.

The demons stand there for like two seconds going, oh darn it, we almost got him. Then we cut the Gabriel and Jonah arriving in another world. Seconds after the demon mom threw a knife at him, Gabriel turns two and goes, that was not your mother. Oh, yeah? Cause she turned into a fire demon. I figured maybe it into a fire demon. I figured maybe it was like a demon. Like a my mom didn't normally turn into fire.

Only when I yelled about it, I missed my Oh Jesus Christ. That was so good. And then Jordan was like, Hey, man, what the hell was that? How does that even fit into the fucking plot? And so Gabriel says, no, no, no, you see, they're trying to tempt you. And so they were using that hot chick from earlier because you lusted after her in your heart earlier.

Remember? And he's like, oh, right, that's the same. And your stupid fucking religion is cheating on my wife. He says to him Satan wants to destroy your marriage. What a fucking self obsessed philosophy. Like, right. Think about the fact that if you said anywhere, Casper, the friendly ghost is trying to destroy my marriage.

They would medicate and sedate you as well they should. But if you say Satan is trying to destroy your marriage, there are multiple summer camps for you to go to. Multiple. So, Satan setting you up a count on Ashley Madison. All right. So then we head back over to fucking Miracle Granny, right? So grandma, the the panoramic cancer coma grandma has woken up from her coma and is chatting now with Jonas wife and mother And she has to break the news that he's a in the hotel that just exploded and be In a fight with demons in another realm all at the same time. Yeah, right?

And they're all like wow. He's at the bomb on the news right now on this TV next to us. That's how do you know that? That's impressive. Are you magical? Maybe if you are, use the magic for like, maybe the pancreate. You know what? I'm going to go find him. I'm going to go find him. Yeah. I love that moment too. Like the wife goes to leave. She's like, I've got to rush down there right now, but the mom stops her. She's like, no, there's nothing you can do. Be realistic. You've seen the costuming. There's no way we could do full disaster scene with emergency vehicles and shit. Come on, be realistic, lady. And the mom's like, well, God sent you that dream about the bomb and the demons. So you could warn Jonah and the wife's clue like, all right, well, yeah, I mean, I said

something that's super vague. You do it like, isn't that angel with the horoscope? All right. And I love this chick. We cut back to Jonah and Gabriel. Jonah's like, Hey, wait a minute. How do I even know that you're one of the good guys? And it's like all the other guys have tried to kill you with melee weapons.

There is no question here. Right. I'm wearing white and gold. I mean, one of their faces is on fire. It'd be weird if one of the good guys had a fire face, right? I'm killing someone with a fire face with an angelic sword. Right now, as we speak, that's happening. I goddamn it. They're fucking demons again. Yes, right. The demons show up again. And once again, by the way He has back up this I like four or five angel shop all of them get killed in like four seconds So what's happening here is

Grand scheme we're in a cosmic battle To show this one guy doodly do's. Yeah, that's it. Yep. That's the movie. Exactly. In hopes that he'll become a Christian, but in case that's not crazy enough, we also have the 11 plot lines going on in the real world, right? So we cut back now to the FBI agent who realizes that Jonah is still alive, but just then the bomber guy who had come back to finish the job throws a grenade into

the room and takes out that FBI agent. He had a grenade. What situation did he foresee where he would need a great thing? I didn't want to have to use this because it doesn't have a activating sound to associate it. I wanted him to have taped to the little speaker to the side. But, okay. So there's a great.

I got to do the sound myself actually with these. It's really annoying. The Bluetooth is broken or something. Oh, the grenade didn't work. To hold down the button on the grid pairing mode. How do I get pairing mode on the grenade? Now the grenades doing the macarena. So how while we figure out the blue tooth on our grenade, we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give it back to you the hard. So will

the blackmailed senator whose tax bill failed go along with the other senators planned to pressure you at a third senator and devoting in favor of his vaccine bill before the FBI can prove the vaccine isn't as effective as the official data suggests. Can the archangel Gabriel hold off McGoggan's army of demons long enough to convince Jonah that his obligations to his family must be properly balanced with his duties as a U.S. Senator before the cancer riddled ex-Navid seal terrorist returns to murderous unconscious body. Is all of that really the goddamn plot?

Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the circuitous conclusion of Heaven's War. Do you like know the writer or something? You know the whole? It took me so long to write those two sentences. And then go back to my notes and go like, but wait, who was he though? Oh, Goddamn it. And then go back to my notes and go like, but wait, who was he though?

Goddamnit. It's like a Gordian knot you've got to get out there. Okay, what about clothes? You want some clothes? I could get you clothes. I mean, I have this shirt and some pants. Hey guys, what you talking about? Heads, birthdays coming up in August and I have no idea what to get him.

Uh, nintendo? Uh, no, I bought one for myself. Where do you have it? Ramen noodles. A butt of palate two years ago. Palette two years ago, yep. Oh, tall door frames. That's not a thing I checked.

I did check. Okay, okay, okay. What about box of awesome from Bespoke Post? Doer frames? Not a thing I checked. I did check. Okay, okay, okay. What about box of awesome from Bespoke Post? What's Bespoke Post? Bespoke Post sends only the best stuff every month and no matter what you're into, box of awesome has you covered. From style and grooming goods to barwear,

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Okay, well, it's too late. I signed up All right, no you want to go splitsies on another palette of noodles. Yeah, sure make sure it's chicken flavor Yeah, no to chicken flavor. It's important. I know Okay, this should be Senator Johnson's bowl of Memories god these things are a waste of space. I told them to switch over to digital. Who are you? Right. I am an angel. I need you to accept Jesus before the demons get here. I don't believe in God. Seriously? Like, like even now, as you speak to an angel, and then, my diet spoke harshly to me. Yeah, that sounds unpleasant. Um

Sorry, do you think you're crazy? Because I could understand if you think you're crazy, but I'm what's happening? Damn it Sarah. What? Who's Sarah? I'm a god B.O.T. Right. Yeah, angels pretty much all look to save anyway. I'm here for your human so How's pretty much all looked the same. Anyway, I'm here for your human. So how's Fettuccini Alfredo sound in exchange for your soul? Pretty good, actually. Seriously? Nice. Okay, now you bite me. Oh God. Can you give you a West Kentucky dog wash, get ready.

Look, a broken famous Amos vending machine. No, he's where? Not kick. Oh, oh, oh. What's a West Kentucky dog wash? You don't want to know, dude. You do not take your lady and Mimora. And we're back for yet more of this shit.

We're going to open up this time on another devil fantasy. This time, Satan is trying to trick Jonah into thinking that he's having a drink with evil senator, double you, I do, or whatever. Evil, evil senator antique snifter of brandy guy. Yes, yeah. Right, yeah, you can tell he's evil because he's drinking brandy.

Hey, you want some brandy in this normal, not evil, Sifir. I hear you. You weren't tempted by a slightly more attractive wife and your mom being okay. What if I told you you could have a dessert wine? Hey, okay. I mean, that sounds good. Let me ask something. No, are we in a fucking demon cutaway? Cuz this keeps happening I'm gonna turn it to a demon thrown knife for you So okay, so while this conversation is going on because it's fucking boring the movie keeps cutting back to like Oh, but age of fighting the demons or an hammer or a hammer sword and then we keep going back to this conversation in between and I think

You know part of it is cuz the movie felt like it needed an action beat part of it is because of Eli's best worst and hammer or a hammer or sword. And then we keep going back to this conversation in between, and I think, you know, part of it is because the movie felt like it needed an action beat, but part of it is because of Eli's best worst, because they don't understand what would have to happen for this to be corrupt, right? So these guys keep having conversations where they're just like, and then, if you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.

Yeah. Right. But it even, it makes less sense than nothing. Because like, is explaining like, all right, if you join my evil plot, sinning, I'll make you rich. And Jonas is like, I'll never compromise my principles. And the guy's like, well,

I want you to vote for curing cancer. And Joan is like, oh, all right, because you boi ha ha that you, you did a finger sting. Boi ha ha right after saying cure can't you get, you get why I'm confused now, right? And then you threw a knife at me, but I think you're still curing cancer. I don't know. And Jonah does the, and you get a nickel for each vaccine. So wait, the senator is going to get a nickel for every cancer care. Yeah, what the, all right. How many did you guys do six? All right. I'm 30 cents. 30 cents. Thank you. I do not have changed. So you're going to have to give

me two quarters. This is going great for me by the way. It's gonna be really rough under the coin shortage. Also, okay, so about the 30 second time that we saw Gabriel, the angel here wet his way into some sword flourish, I double checked IMDB to make sure that guy was not the writer director of this film and the entire thing was not an excuse for him to play source. It was not. No, it wasn't believe it or not. Okay.

This is really good friend doing that. Oh sure. There's also this amazing moment where within the senator, Baha ha, meeting or whatever, where the one guy's like, you know, I don't know if my religion would allow me to do that. And then the senator, you know, those notoriously atheist folks in the senate says come on and i quote our scientists have proven beyond a doubt that there is no god yep yeah i asked him specifically he's like so senator uh... other white guy

number five do you believe in God and the center is like all right I feel like you're losing focus I'm trying to cure cancer how is that relevant oh and then he's like you know I'm not sure you really are a center and he's like demon throwing a knife at you oh fuck I did it again I did it I. I did it. I can't goddamn it It's still cancer cure. I mean All right, so Gabriel bamps him away to some like lake site or whatever and he demands answers again Jonas like hey, I know this isn't the first time Did I ask you this but what the hell is going on? And I'm like, dude if you haven't caught on by now

You need to articulate specific questions to this man. All right. I have a specific question for him. Why do the demons keep delivering Jonah back to the spirit realm so that an angel can then do more doodly do's to argue against their demon thing? They're taking turns. Oh, it's all the established rules. Gabriel gives them another little pep talk here.

He's just like, okay, I'll tell you what, if we are talking and you wake up having your dreams fulfilled, why'd you just save us some time and it's a nice deal. They're gonna throw a fucking demon knife at you. You know, they're gonna throw a demon knife at you. Just start by ducking. See what happens. Well, okay. And so then, and then he says to the demon,

he's like, hey, man, like that was a cure for cancer, though. Like, I feel like that's a good thing. And the demon says, no, no, no, no, the vaccine actually gives you extra super cancer. And he's like, why didn't you just tell me that right away, like, hey, you know what? 20 all the details you know

right now about the plot because I'm super confused. He goes, why wouldn't you just tell me that instead of like the don't go there is another way cryptic bullshit and he's like I have no reasonable answer to that script.

So here comes a demons to fight a sick cat. Can I know what I think you like I should throw a night for you now. Although we learn here that the evil plot about curing cancer is the fact that the vaccine that they want to put in place only blocks cancer for a few months. Yes, but then the cancer comes back. then the cancer comes back. Probably just keep taking that vaccine, right? Like that's a huge matter of thing.

Yes, right. The can block cancer for four months. Four months. Just make a lot so that people can take that. Oh, wait. There you go. All right, but then of course this just floats into Gabriel, given the generic, you know, you're broken

and only our religion can fix you speech, right? This includes a weird montage of people becoming Christian. Okay, but they have this amazing racist moment. Can we talk about the racist moment? It's so many people don't know Jesus. And then it, we see Asian people and gave, it gets so excited. Gabriel's like, even Chinese people. I know, I know.

Chinese people. And Joan is like, yeah, no, I know what you mean. You don't have to show me Asian people. I know. You know, like like, like, Jean Chongding, don't, Charlie. He me Asian people. I'm just kidding. You know, like, like, Jean Chong didn't know, I heard you. You know, I got it, got it.

He's got his cry. They ate them Jesus. I'm telling you, like, not just one, because you'd think, oh yeah, there's gonna be one good one, but no. No, but I see, I see three on your palm. I got it. So, and then we was like in the middle of Gabriel's monologue or whatever we cut to the to the pearly gates

Right, we see the senators arriving at the pearly gates with that. Oh, fuck kind of look on their face And I just want to point out because I thought about the system we started I was like, you know, if that happened right if I died and I show up at the pearly gates and I would think I would think to myself Hmm, hell for eternity. Wow, that's so much better than not existing anymore. Awesome. Glad to have been wrong on that one. Also, they show everyone walking up.

Did the dead unbaptized babies have to crawl up to some of the dead? And what about the ones that die before they can even roll over, right? Yeah. Does someone bring them up there? I feel like there's an orderly who has like a set of prams and they just, you know, wheel them up. I don't know. Yeah. Feel like that leads to some awkward situations.

Sorry, is this the unbaptized baby line? Yeah, yeah, it's taken forever today. Oh, fuck, really? Yeah, apparently there's still kind of tsunami. Damn, okay, I had a lunch thing. I really, I got a gift. Yeah, this is Ngauai Nabutu. Ngauai, you came into this world covered in the sin of God.

Come on, man, just send the baby to hell. We know how this ends. Or excuse me. I'm doing a thing here. Seriously? Yes. Seriously. Fine. Fine. As I was saying, you came into the world covered in the sin of Adam. Therefore, I dam you to have your diaper changed for all eternity. Great. I will go get the next one. Sorry. Oh, just real quick. Did you say diaper changed for all eternity? Yes, babies hate that. Did you try a white warmer? Yes, I tried a white warmer.

warmer. Yes, I try to wipe warmer. It's like a really difficult thesis defense. All right. So then we get screaming lava hell, right? We see the senators falling into it. And then and and and tone it turns to Gabriel. And he's like, hey, man, those guys are falling into a lake of flames. Why aren't you helping them? He's like, oh, because my boss is the most evil character ever imagined by humankind as a child. It sucks to suck. I just want to be clear, God punishes people just like the evil vaccine poison that burns you forever. God does that.

Yeah, look at that. Which is the bad guy. And cables like, come on man, don't do it. Don't do it. You know what I'm saying? You know he's listening to me. He's evaluating, like right now. You want to do another doodly do?

We'll do a fucking another doodly do. Well, it's amazing here because they think they've got an answer for this, right? So they like bamful way out of hell and Jonas giving him a bunch of shit. He's like, hey man, how come your God if he's always a nip in it? Doesn't fix anything.

It keeps this shitty world away. Why doesn't he try to fix it? Why doesn't he ever do anything? And as he's yelling that, he backs into a bloody cross. It turns out God did do anything. He's just so incompetent that no one can tell. And look, I know we've heard this argument like probably dozens of times at this point

in our jobs on this show, but I'm still amazed at what a crazy non-sequitor that is. Yeah. Imagine your wife being like, I saw her phone number in your phone and you're just like lifting up your fucking pant leg to be like, this is the time I fell on a nail in my garage. I'm so bad.

I believe you have your answer. This is the time I fell on a nail in my garage. Her is so bad. I believe you have your answer. Okay. What? I asked you about the problem. You're not going to help out the people who are going into the lake of fire at all. Nothing. No.

No, okay. It's kind of like tuition forgiveness, you know, it ruined it for the people who paid tuition before. We get a little Jesus POV here. Yes, which I only mentioned one, because it's hilarious, but two, during the POV, we watched them put nails through his hands. These are the ones who worship this guy as God.

You think they would really know that they went through the wrists, right? You think they would have this shit down? They have, but they really like that imagery apparently for whatever reason. Yeah, but so he asked you know about the problem of evil and Gabriel's like, well, you know, really, the right question is why anybody wouldn't be our religion

if you think about it. He's like, what? He's like, demons are attacking us again. And with swords. Ah, shit, demons. I can't remember. Talk about the problem of evil anymore. Oh, no.

Oh, great answer. I'm not great at it. I love this a great moment here too, where Joe does run away and fucking Gabriel yells out and he's like, Jonah behind you and he's like, what about behind me? And then he gets the fire hammer into the I really need you to be way more specific with all of their instructions. I feel like I'm giving you this feedback multiple times. all their structures. I feel like I'm giving you this feedback multiple times. All right, but so yes, we get hit with the hammer. So now the demons get another chance at him. So he shows up in hippie heaven with a very young version of his mom. Who by the way is

smoking fucking hot. All right. Yeah. Fucking your young hot mom mom now that's a temptation I can get My god What So all right how attract let's all rank how attractive we think our moms were when they were young Okay, this is a fun game. Let's rank the mobs All right starting with aaths mom all right nine We're nope Me second all right So okay, so yeah, we get that we get a little bit more FBI exposition

Nonsense. Oh god, it's so fucking stupid. It makes so little sense. At this point, the guy who hacked into the FBI computers is telling the FBI the thing that the guy who did the bomb emailed to the FBI. And it's great because the movie accidentally runs it to its own plot hole here because the FBI guy goes, wait, but if he had a bunch of data on these senators, why didn't he just like email us that? And he was like, oh, well, he thought they might get away with it. So he became a terrorist. I feel like there's somewhere in the middle. The three hotel bomb and email. The theory is the senators would just get a slap on the wrist for that. Yeah. That's what the movie says. They'd get a slap on the wrist for that. Yeah. That's what the movie says.

They'd get a slap on the wrist for making a law that mandates eternal burning based on poison. It's not actually a vaccine. Yes. And this movie was made before 2020. So that was right. Right. Well, so, but here's the, here's the thing.

This is the first time they lay this really out for the vaccine bill that they're talking about is a law that would require everyone to take the cancer cure that actually gives you super cancer. The senators. And burning forever. Well, that's the super cancer. Right. Exactly.

Is that you burn forever and then die of super cancer. And the senators are going to do that because they're going to profit off of this. They're going to inject the entire world with supercancers Because they get a nickel for every injection of supercancers. So they get four months worth of nickels The island Everyone on earth is dead That's the corruption in this fucking dumbass movie anyway meanwhile grownups are playing swords some more I love this part because the demons the angels are clearly like all right

Okay, quick time out. What the fuck are we fighting about? I don't know what's happening. And then also they're like and also like what would even happen if one of us died like you'd go to heaven I'd go to hell what would be the point And Magog is like all right, that's actually a really good question Demons you want to just circle around Gabriel for a second just menacingly Oh, demons, you want to just circle around Gabriel for a second, just menacingly circle. Thank you. I think it's through. You have this weird like, all right, well, we're going to kill you. But if you cry, uncle, then we'll let you join team Satan. Okay.

Also, you know what occurred to me while I was watching this? Like keeping score. All right, more people are going gonna go to hell than heaven. So like, don't the demons win even in their book? Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, especially if you're a J-Dub. All right. They get a nickel for every single person.

All right, so we cut back to hippie heaven. We're Jonas there with his hot young mom. And we slowly come to realize that this temptation is the temptation of progressive Christianity, right? Is that what that was? Yeah, absolutely. The mom's like, I started to realize that every path leaves to heaven, et cetera, et cetera.

So yeah, this is the coexist temptation. Wow. The evil, evil temptation was like diversity and happiness together. Yes, yeah, exactly. Exactly. The evil temptation was diversity. Amazing. Yeah, so she's like, he's like, wait, so, so, Mom, wait, you don't believe in Jesus anymore.

And she's like, no, everybody goes to heaven when they die. And he's like, hmm, this entire movie so far has been about hell being real. Like I was just there. I feel like you're going to turn into a demon and throw a knife at me. Here it is. Yeah. I see your hand reaching for you. I see the knife in your elephant robes that you're waiting.

These fucking temptations would be so much more effective if they could refrain from going full demon at the slightest provocation just one fucking die. Oh, man, that's just, uh, that's fine. Hey, mom, do your voice get real low. You need a Sorry, And when he turns into a demon he has a fire whip. Yes, and I wanted so badly for him to be like Sorry, do you mind stepping back so I can get you with this whip? It is

I'm really really I'm like a close really, really, really useless, a less than a very specific distance. Right. So he's gonna fight Jonah, the demon McGonagas, gonna fight Jonah now. So what he did was Satan or McGogge or whatever, morphed into a hot young mom so that maybe he wouldn't have to do that fight as like a, I'll try this first thing. Yeah, it's here like fire whip,

but he's gonna just fight without the weird sexual mom. Especially since time is of the essence, right? Because just at that moment, Gabriel, who has managed to best his attackers shows up, does I shit you not wrist control on firewip guy and then and then to death with his fire sword all yeah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha it's like black ink blotter something right. Mm-hmm. But don't worry, don't worry, it's not all bad news. Elsewhere, coma-mamo isn't in a coma, and wife and daughter are praying that Jonah will become Christian before it's too late. Yeah, they're sending angel reinforcements.

Yeah, right, well, yeah, that's how the prayer manifests is with reinforcements, but like every other God-d like every other god damn non Gabriel angel in this movie they get killed one second into the fight again Oh And you feel like that would be a real drag for Gabriel right? Dear god, please save my son Jonah Dear God, please save my son Jonah. Finally some reinforcements. Whoah! Hello, Melvin!

What the fuck are you doing here? I'm here to help you fight what with the other bad angels. Melvin, you're in accounting. I know, but I brought an extra shop compass. Yeah! Oh, I'm dead now. Seriously. [♪ BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL R and one fight scene here. Question, if Gabriel just like flies away here, what happens? Right. Like, why does Jonah matter?

Just because he's a senator? I don't, I honestly, I think like he was, like, I think they had like a trilogy in mind and eventually he was going to be the president or something. I don't know. Jonah loses the primary and they're all call of time out again. Like, all right. Now he's not the in the thing. Okay.

You guys can have it. I'm doing right now. I don't want him. You back at spirit realm tomorrow, different guy. I have to turn back into his mom every time I want to attempt him. This is fucking bullshit. I want to be on fire. Oh god, speaking of which, it's so fucking weird.

So Jonah is running away bleeding sins all over Gabriel. Gabriel's got to fight with more demons and chip and the one demon is chasing him Dagon, I guess and he morphs into Jonas overbearing dad so that he can who the hell even knows Why wouldn't you just be a demon at that point? What are humans like it's's me, a subway sandwich. No, I'll try and... This is stupid, please. Juneau, come out.

My face isn't on fire. I'm chick flay now. You have chick flay. Oh, and of course, the ticking clock in all of this, right, as the spites going on in the real world or the mortal world I guess their world is even real earthen hours bomber dad cancer bomber dad is walking through the room where they blown everybody up And he's shooting everybody in the head just in case they're alive in some other plane of existence fighting with demons, right? Okay, but

We're like almost done with the movie. So, Tarris cancered that he's been very slowly shooting people this whole time. Yes. He's in one room. Stopped and had a pocket sandwich standing next to the people. I don't know. Yeah, right.

Well, there's this moment where he almost pulls the trigger, but the cancer takes out his trigger finger. Just then, and he accidentally shoots Joe in the leg instead of the head. Oh, I wanted him to keep getting cancer attacked and he keeps shooting him in the dick. I'm sorry. I blew blew your dick off. And then just as though they were going for comedy in this taking clock moment, the, you know, the cancer dad finally lines it up. It gets his cancer attack under control. He lines up the gun and he goes to shoot him again, but now he's out of bullets. So he's a very slowly.

You know what? I haven't cleaned this thing in forever. Let me take this apart. You know what? I want an activation beep on my gun now. I'm gonna put a speaker on there and there we go. Now I'm ready to do it. And okay, but just then, right before he can reload his gun,

Jonah, praise to God. Which means God was just waiting and watching for him to say pretty please. Yup, yup. He's like, I'll be honest, how soon as you ask, I will help. Look, I'm sorry, one demon angel fight in. I'm a Christian, right? Okay, so like, and I'm pretty damn atheist now, but yeah, it only takes one.

Jonah held out as long as he could though, God, damn it. Yeah. Hey, mom, did you throw a knife at me just now? Turned into a Christian. I'm Christian. Jesus. Yeah. And so he says, God, God, damn it. Yeah. Hey, mom, did you throw a knife at me just now? Turn to the ocean. I'm Christian. Jesus. Yeah. And so he says, God, God, help me out.

And then he accepts Jesus Christ into his heart. But all he says is Jesus to supercalculate that. And then nothing happens for a second. And then John is like, okay, yeah, tone was not clear there. I'm repenting for you. Like, he wasn't sure which religion. He was like, I didn't,

that Gabriel actually didn't mention which specific religion. There's a bunch of Christianity. Eve, Jesus. I mean, like he doesn't know somebody's name. Hey you. What's up, buddy? God, you're in my soul.

In the on hello, have everything. Spinoza. Yeah, but because Gabriel was white in European, I guess he assumed it must have been Jesus. He got it right. One way or the other, he nailed it, right? Yeah. So he's like, Jesus, please be my Lord and save your chest and the demons about to hit him with a sword. But just that very

second God creates a force field around him and breaks the demons sword and Gabriel jumps in and stabs him to death. The sweet leaping slow motion stab day. We get this great moment where the demons sword is broken and he's just like disappointed. He's just like, ah, that was, that was my favorite sword. Actually, we got that for my birthday. I don't know, it's been a hard year. I know everyone's having a hard 2020.

It's just a really liked that sword. We're sold out in 45 minutes on QVC. That I'm not gonna be able to get another though. So, Oh, and then there's this great moment where like we cut from there, we cut back over to coma grandma. And she's like, Oh, that was all the purpose I had in the movie by dying now. But, but I look as old lady Christian movie, she has to die or we don't get the credits, you know, she's like, don't worry though, I'm immortal. And then she dies.

Yeah. Okay. Grandma's great accomplishment here is saving the dad so he can continue being a Republican Senator during the conversation. Yep. To be clear. Correct. Yep. can continue being a Republican Senator during the crisis. Yep, to be clear, correct. Yep. Oh, and then so we get Jonah watching his mom show up and have in, there's this weird

smell like Jesus moment. Yes. My favorite crazy outro of the movie, Gabriel says to him, you smell like Jesus now. And Jonah says, I don't deserve to smell this good, which by the way is the name of my new cologne, you can purchase it on my website. I don't deserve to smell this good.com, try again.

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? You hear, I just want to review what you just said. You said there's your mom going to heaven. You smell like the aroma of Jesus. You say crazy things like next to each other. You're No, seriously, you smell really good right now. And then you know, we get them waking up from the explosion. Turns out it was all

the dream. There is no afterlife. And we all just die. He goes, all right. So what do I do now, Gabriel? And Gabriel's like, make America great again. Haha. We're gonna let Jesus do it. Here you go. Oh Jesus. So we cut to grandma's funeral. Everybody has the, yeah, this is the end of the movie. Look about them. Oh, Jesus. So we cut to grandma's funeral. Everybody has the, yeah, this is the end of the movie. Look about them. Oh, remember black girl that he was mean to earlier. He gives her a big bonus. He hands her an envelope and his clue like, here's a subway club card. Yeah. Right. But the stamp set up. And what take a long weekend were well, you know, like

there were a half day, half hours of a Friday, Friday and Saturday and Sunday, like a normal weekend. And by the way, your birth control isn't covered anymore. And I'll see you later. Also, the taxpayers pay your bonus. So it just didn't cost me a goddamn time. Bye. Yeah. Okay. Well, if there's going to be, you know, taxpayer funded subway club cards, you can't reject it just because it's going for religion. That would be illegal. And yeah, and then we see that Jonah spends plenty of time with his family now. And we learn that it sure sucks not to be Christian. You have to be really fucking stupid. Not to be Christian. Literally a voiceover and it's like God loves everyone.

But many people reject this love. And when they say that, yes, two shots of Asian people and Taj Mahal. Yes. God loves all, but unfortunately, some people are Asian. We're both. It was just those three that found Christianity. The end of the movie. All right.

So I would anyone like a, like a shot at summarizing the moral of this story. Multiple Chinese people. I'm telling you. Not more than two. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review. I have insured that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back in next week. And I don't have any candy bars. So Eli, tell us what's on deck down to earth episode two.

Zac Efron learns about the pseudoscience of water. I see. Mm-hmm. Did we do episode one when I was hallucinating? We did not. Okay, good, good. I didn't want to ask, because I wanted to, like, seem like I knew what the fuck was going on with this show that I produced, but no, it's, okay, good. It's Goop for Dudes.

Oh, good. That's what we needed. We're doing Goop for Dudes, everybody. So with Goop for D dudes to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 257 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among the arranging

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God off one there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help it ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows and skating a the excitation needed and D&D minus

and the skeptic rat. Almost forgot that one. Available wherever podcast live. If you have questions,, be sure to check out our siblings shows and skating a the excitation needed at D&D- and the Scepticrat. Almost forgot that one. Available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or send them out to suggestions, you can email me at allfromwisidgmail.com. Legal services to this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.N. Retours. Tim Robbins and Takes Here on our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and people to wrap up on Mars. Although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and West. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Boston, common illusions, promised to work harder, earned on the track next week and till then. We again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm an illusionist from his door card or earn all the truck nights we can tell then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. The protagonist of this movie, Winnon to vote in favor of confirming Brett Kavanaugh.

Pfft. The writer went on to look up the word vaccine and now he just feels silly. The Fireface Demon got a terrible performance reveal. Hey Morgan, get a Oculus Quest and download Echo VR and play that with me. It's fucking awesome. It's like, you've read Ender's Game, I'm sure you have. It's the game from read Andrew's game. I'm sure you have. It's the game from Andrew's game. They, the sport that they play when he goes to, what is it? Series or wherever it is in space? I'm back. Zero gravity. It's fucking, it's basically that and it's fucking. Like

Blitzball. Okay. It's just a reminder how bad a writer that JK rolling is because there's like no way that they could even in VR make a version of Quidditch that would be fun and make sense. Right? Like that couldn't even be a game. Oh, wow, they have that if they could. Yeah, right, right. Exactly, but she's such a bad writer that she couldn't come up with a sport that would make any goddamn sense if you actually played it.

Right? Because the people who are off chasing the fucking snitch would like just be doing a different god damn game that's entirely different yes yeah have you seen the youtube sketch all seekers oh no it's great it's great the guys show up and they just they're just a whole team of secrets so the other two guys start like throwing the quaffle into the hoops as quickly as they can And they're screaming at their secret. They're like go colon Why are there bats Okay, that's some funny shit. All right Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh,

Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, So it's a point we have to go. All right, so we're just so you know, the cue here is Heath and Eli making sword noises. So Heath was just like, fuck you, I ain't making sword noises. And seeing how long Eli was gonna go, which is I know because I know Eli.

He's in fin- All forever. For Aldrin, Aaron. He's been episode. You guys really walked you know what cut in before he vomited just absolutely So let's try that again, please interstitial one That's all this reinforcements throughout the entire goddamn movie every single one of them is melvin from accounting God was so pissed at Gabriel that day

Look a bunch of people called out you figured out I don't know But preceding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved I'm all right, reserved.