God Awful Movies - 269: The Reaping

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us to discuss "The Reaping", the story of some screenwriters who were pretty sure they could remember all ten plagues without looking it up. --- Check out more from Cara on her website. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Then we get Idris Elba doing some science. Shrekid for some reason. Why was he doing naked dissection at his desk? That is contraindicated. I never once taught my students to take off their clothes before they did dissection. Okay, 100% the director was like, time for a big science moment. So Idris, you better pop the shirt. I'm fucking for the science.

Yeah I was gonna say we're any of your students Idris Elba because I feel like you would have taught Idris Elba to do science in the shirt off. Truth. I had taught him to do drama with the shirt off. Truth. Not awful. Movie movies. Movie movies. Welcome back to God awful movies. For each week, we're watching another terrible movie

so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heath Ann, right? And sitting somewhere in New York's lobby, known as New Jersey, is my good friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how's it going? I'm fantastic, Heath He's pop scare greeting. Okay. No, that's nothing. You can't just say pop scare. Sorry. Sorry. I watched the movie. I'm a little confused. Yep. Yep. Fair enough. We'll

get to it. Not great with the pop scares. Also joining me is veteran guest mascast science communicator, podcaster, and tweeter of fascinating nerd stuff that I never know about when I see it, but then I know about it. And it's awesome. Cara San Maria is joining us. Cara, welcome back. Unhappy to be here as always, guys. Oh, good blame you.

Yep. Okay, was there a bird that was heart female gender on left side and part male gender on right side. Was that how that worked? Yeah, I can add a morph. Pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Okay.

I thought you were talking about the movie for a second, so I'm on Twitter. Okay. I was like, man, I really did not pay attention to this movie. I missed a bird with half a dick. Alright. Losing my edge. I did. They caught a poacher with 3D printed eggs

that have like a tracker in them. Is that the last one I saw? Oh yeah, that's the Nicaraguan turtle eggs. That one's really cool. That story's been going on for a long time and they used like a Hollywood set decoration to make these eggs look as real as possible. And the poachers to take them and then they're just like,

ah, we caught you because you just stupid and you took our tracker. Pretty much. Yeah. Great. It's great. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess we got to talk about this movie too. Technically, it's the show. Fine. So Cara, what? Eight percent on Rotten Tomatoes movie. Are we going to be talking about today? Yeah. So this is Stringer Bell's rock bottom 2007. So sad Idris Elba's in it. I love him and he's everything about this. It makes no sense. Needed someone to go really including the title, right? Starting at the title where someone was like, let's call it the reaping. Sorry, the what? the reaping, sorry, the what? Can we not? And I feel like they didn't even reference that

until like 20 minutes before the movie was over. I was like, what is the reaping? I actually asked myself that at one point, like why is this movie called the reaping? And then one person said like, we need to repurr or something like that. Oh, okay, I was gonna ask, why is it called the reaping?

I don't know, I saw a movie. Sickle maybe? I don't know. This movie bats a lot of cleanup in the last seven minutes. Yeah. So you see this plot has been bad. That's good.

Okay, bye, out the window, down the credits. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well speaking of which, why don't you tell us a little bit more in detail how bad was this movie Eli? Well, if you love horror movies, but you're tired of all the motivated tension, realistic backstories and non-weird racism, you will love this movie. When people bring this movie

up to Hillary Swank, she changes the subject to Karate Kid 3 and Clint Eastwood's politics. That's how bad this movie is. Okay. Crotic kid three is a classic. No, but next crotic. She's in the next. Got to let it go. We got to let it go.

It's not the same thing. It's important. Both not great. One and two. Oh, anyway, anyway, moving on. I'm going right past it. Copicai, not a big deal. Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this movie

for being the best at being the worst at? I'll nominate it for the best, worse over use of dream sequences. Oh, yeah. For sure. There's a lot of those. As you call them doodly do's. Yes. Yeah.

They get confused by what level of doodly do they're on a few times. That's fun. Yep. Absolutely. I was going to go with best worst use of next tell technology. Most of the movie is out in some remote Bayou town that has no cell phone reception. So they use that, God, that next tell bleep bleep walkie talkie function. I hate everyone who ever used that thing.

I hate you so much. Oh, it gets them into trouble at one point in the movie. And that's very, very happy because at one point Hillary swanx trying to hide from a bad guy in a scary basement. She's trying to be all quiet and it's like bleep bleep Catherine. Bleep bleep Catherine Catherine okay if you're hiding from a demon saying nothing I left for a while when she got bleep bleep Good times and I have hinted at this very mildly, but I was gonna go with best words pop scares

Whoever made this movie was aware that a pop scare is a sudden string with an image you didn't expect, but they do it with breakfast cereal, dirty feet, flies, I mean, there will be nothing that this movie can't think it can just shake at us and go, look, a book,oga booga and make itself a horror movie. Get a corn pop scare with that cereal, yeah. Good times. Fantastic. All right, well, we're going to take a quick break. So I can watch Clint Eastwood talk to a chair for a while. That's the public and platform right now.

And then we'll be right back. Tell you all about the reaping. God. Yes, Gabriel, what is it? Yeah, we got word of a satanic cult down in Louisiana killing firstborns. So, what you might wanna, you know, wrap it up. Yes, wrap it up.

Nice, yeah, so what are you thinking for the wrath? All right, why don't we start by turning the water to blood? Ha nice classic one love it. Okay, and then what right right then we make it rain frogs Frogs. Oh, okay. Okay. I guess yeah Something the matter Gabriel. No, no, no, no, it's just, you know, we don't... But didn't we do those before? Exactly that stuff in Egypt. I mean, yes, but they worked in Egypt, didn't they?

I mean, did they? Because Pharaoh ignored all of them. And then we killed all the firstborns and he still sent the army so like Right, but the story though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the stories good. I guess I Mean you did kill a bunch of babies First born babies first firstborn. Yeah, I guess no, you know what fine. Let's let's do a new one. Great. Okay Yeah, so after the frogs will give them Lice no nice that nope because that's the old thing that right

Lice all is that what you're gonna say there? You meant to say lice all yes, you want the third plague to be lice all Lice all by proctor and gasysol, by proctor and gambler. Not that in. Okay, by proctor and gamble, right. And then what after that? Lysol. Lysol. Yep.

It's a- That sounds a lot like flies. It's Lysol with flies in it. It's like, okay. Ha ha ha. And we're back. And we're gonna start with a cold open in a creepy bedroom.

I think I couldn't see the movie for the first like 20 seconds. It's not completely darkness. But then we realized we're in a creepy bedroom where some guy has waking up to his framed picture on fire. Okay, I want to clarify this because when you make to the end of this movie, this guy's entire fucking thing makes no sense. No, he is.

That's just that right there is a summary of the whole fucking movie. Yeah, exactly. He makes your sense right now, either like the original movie. It continues to not make sense. This is nonsense. But Hillary Swank was our protagonist. This is her priest friend. So we open up on him having a framed picture of Hillary Swank on his desk whose face lights

on fire for no reason. Wait, how did you know it was her? Her face was on fire. He calls her. Oh, does he call her right here? He does call her, but I didn't know. Oh, I thought he was just randomly like, Hey, Hillary Swank, my wife's face is on fire.

Am I? Hey, funny story. My wife's face was on fire again in the picture I have for her. It's weird. I don't know. So you like still on you doing our baby? You're just crazy.

I like you're sleeping? Okay, like, like, he also seemed like weirdly familiar with the whole face burning scenario. Like he was, he looked a little concerned. Like he was like, ah, fuck, this is happening again. But like very much like, oh, the face is on fire. That's a thing.

Cause he goes into his desk drawer and is like, I wonder if her face is on fire and all the photos I have of her. Yeah, exactly. So very, man, very weird. And it's like, I wonder if her face is on fire and all the photos I have of her. Exactly. So very, man, very weird. But this ruined all my other pictures magically again about a check them. And then I bet, you know what, I better assemble them

like a puzzle. Well, you know what, that's meaningless because you know, you can just put pictures any direction on the order or anywhere on a flat surface. I guess, you know, this is where they go. And it makes the shape of we're about to find out a sickle, but not really. Yeah, that's what they call it. It's really just like an upside down question mark. Yeah, this this movie will insist it's a sickle, but it's an O with a crop.

On top of it, there was props and script did not have the conversation they needed to. And see, when I saw that they had just burned out the face on a bunch of pictures I wrote always being haunted by the ghost of a manic pixie dream girl trying to get over a boyfriend But now it's time to introduce her protagonist Hilary Swank and she is in Concepcion Chile Which she is right next to pull out method Chile And she's walking among the huddled masses. It's subtle. Yeah, she's a classic tourist in conception, just walking around in her, you know, her button down R.E.I. shirt sunglasses.

And then Ejres Elba is behind her and he's wearing a giant cross. Oh, yeah. It's very subtle. Almost a subtle is constepation. Yeah, the subtlety is immaculate. Mm-hmm. It's an constepation. I like that.

Yeah. But Idris Elba and her like, it's a very confused, like intellectually confusing, sexually confusing. Like, I know it's a bad movie I'm about to watch. I love him so much, but you can always look at interest during the show. And there's a lot of Oh, that was like the only saving grace of this movie is that he was, you know, he was sexy. Those traps. And he kind of made it through a fair amount of it. He did. He did. Yeah. Yes. But yeah, they're they're walking around sort of

Yes. But yeah, they're they're walking around sort of grimy alleyway, chilly, and they're sort of examining everyone to check out something spooky that's happening inside. So we make it inside this church. And we see that like all the people are gathered around a dead guy who hasn't rotted as quickly as he should have. Right. And for some reason, all the sudden, Hillary Swank and Eager's elbow, those are their names by the way. I don't remember. No, no, you're not good.

I'm not good. I'm not good. So they're wearing these like weird gas mitt. I don't know what they are, but it just not look like proper medical PPE. It's like they made them themselves. And nobody else's like nobody else seems concerned at all, but they're like, we should probably wear masks. No gloves, lots of exposed skin, but we'll wear masks just to be safe. However, we find out that compared to the crowd they're in, they're downright safety oriented

because we, we watch as Hillary stop someone from feeding their daughter the oil on the corpses forehead. No, yeah, that's what happened. Yep, that's what happened. She's like, guys, guys, don't rub the death sweat on your eyes. That's, don't eat it either. Don't do what's happening. And it was like slimy oil.

Like, I don't know what they use. It's like they just rubbed Vaseline all over a mannequin. Yeah. I think that's what it was. But at this point, I'm getting pissed at this movie already because the audio levels are so shitty. I can't understand what anybody is saying. I literally had to turn my TV up to 75.

It only goes up to like 85. I had to turn it up to 75 when it's usually between 15 and 30 on the volume bar. Like what is wrong with this movie? Amazon's like, you sure you want to hear this one? Maybe just keep it in the background. You just watch it yourself, the video. Right.

Right. But yeah, she stopped someone from rubbing the dead oil on the face. And then they check out underneath where the dead body is. That's weird. They sort of go through some spooky tunnels. I wrote my notes, oh shit, someone left a haunted house, sound effects, you need on down here.

It was like, it's like there's like, he's in a open coffin, I think. And then they're like, ooh, a slit of light, let's go to it now. Yep. Which never is a good idea. Like I know, I'm gonna go into the scary basement the smells weird Let's just do it basic movie 101 right there, but she's like yeah, let's take a let's take the secret tunnel of blood

Right we should do that Because I don't know and she's like well, I'm gonna climb the secret ladder of blood because that's where it leads Up to somewhere probably fun. Yeah, and he's like constantly kissing and like fiddling with his crucifix. This is like their way to telegraph to us that this guy's religious. Super subtle. Turn back around, he's got a full-size crucifix he's carrying on his shoulder. Sorry, I just thought this would be good. But yeah, she climbs the bloody ladder of screams and finds the guys who kidnapped ET up there.

Oh, yeah, this little like weird orange like PPE packs. Yeah, so we flashed Clot to Hillary Swank in a classroom explaining that all of that was because the government was doing deep well injection with toxic waste because this is a horror movie and the only way to introduce the skeptical protagonist is for them to be teaching a class they will never go back to or mention again. Yeah, I still don't fully understand what class she is teaching or what she is a professor of. Angry atheism? Yeah, it's like she's the atheism professor.

It's the angry atheist professor, I think. She's like super fucking racist. Yeah. Like, you guys, like she was literally said these words. Like she was talking about how it couldn't possibly be that there was like a curse or anything religious happening in this like town conception that it must be science. And she's like, so you've got these people who are horrifically poor. She literally said the word throw in a population

economically depressed enough to believe in almost anything. She might as well rub her arm and go throwing the fact that they're schmurchs. You know what I'm saying? I think that's the first first sentence they open to her in front of the classes. In a third world shittahole, like, and said, yeah, like, what the fuck? Right. What her whole thing is basically like, yeah, so a whole bunch of poison plus poverty

plus religion equals miracle. No, it doesn't. My job is check miracles. You're all stupid. Religion is stupid. Science 48 religion zero. My whole experience. You're all stupid, religion is stupid. Science 48 religion zero. My whole experience, have a great weekend. God is dead. I'm out. Mike drop angry. Atheist, your homework for Monday is to disprove one miracle. And the kids

are all like, you're right. And this is a totally normal class to be taking. Yeah, it's great. I'm glad this was in my pre-wax. So now we find out who Idris is and Idris is her T.A. at Louisiana State. Makes no sense, you guys. It's like her, he's like her sexy T.A. who just like hangs around carrying her bags for her. Like I don't know what he does. And she like very overtly is like, well,

ever since he got that master's degree, I can't even keep you as my slave anymore. They gave you your own office. And I'm like, what is his master's degree in? What do these people do? I don't want to speak on Hillary's behalf here, but I feel like she kept trying to make up handshakes with his dress elbow on set and he just wasn't into it. That's the business relationship. Don't go under the leg. That's so it's worse now. Stop it. Not your anything.

But yeah, this still apparently takes her messages. And this is where she gets the call from father, Facebook, burning faces in the photos. He's there to tell her that this movie will eventually have a plot. And like, if the fucking audio levels weren't bad enough, he's whispering like this quietly during the entire vocal. And I was like, do I turn on subtitles? I have no idea. So this is the only time when there's any real exposition. And he's like, I'm just going to whisper so you can't really understand the plot of the movie if that's okay with you. Yeah, I had the subtitles on and it was just so didn't help. Yeah.

So now they do, they're explaining like some backstory, right? And of course all the evil that we're about to like experience in this film had to come from Africa because racism. Of course it did. Okay. I want to spoil her backstory right now because when you watch this movie through that lens, it's so bananas. So here's her backstory. This is going to be revealed like 16 seconds before the end of the movie. She was a Christian and she used to show up to places with Bibles instead of medicine. So love her, love this for her.

Right. And one time she did that, but she was in the Sudan, and it didn't rain for a little while, so they sacrificed her husband and child. Right. Yeah. But not her for some reason. She was cool. But not her for some reason.

But again, like the racism of this movie's backstory is astounding, right? Is that we as the audience are just going to be like, yeah, no, if you do hang out in Africa for long enough and it doesn't rain, they will kill you to their crazy African gods. That's true. I don't know. As you have heard about that, I saw this as a positive thing by the people of Sudan because they killed the missionaries who showed up with Bibles and no water and no food and no medicine.

So you know, fuck you. Oh, where's that doodly do? Right. And they're like sacrificing animals probably because they're hungry and she's like, that's not gonna help. You don't need to eat that meat, you know, it's like, what are you doing? Right. Like Christian propagandists love to capitalize on American racism or, you know, invent it

or something. Oh, but now I really want to watch that doodly do where it cuts over and she's like, you sacrificed my husband and child to your barbaric gods. And they're just like, oh, no, no, we just killed them because you're just a worst. Yeah, because fuck you. Yeah. I'm an atheist. You're just shitty. Right. Yeah. So we get a little bit of that exposition here, but not the whole thing. Don't worry. It's just like shots of machete sharpening and her petting her daughter and being like, you're gonna live forever. Oh, yeah.

We're still totally confused at this point as to what the fuck is going on in this movie. You don't have to be there, but we were watching the movie. So with that exposition, Slappily spilled across the table. It's time for us to plot, damn it. So for no fucking reason, Idris introduces her to Doug Blackwell, who has a mystery for her and Scooby Doo to take on. He's from a place called Haven, the subtle name called Haven, Haven, Louisiana. And they have a river of blood. And she's a science miracle debunker expert.

He wants her to debunk this. And he's like, yeah, we're pretty sure it's a river of blood. And she's like, is it really a river of blood? And he's like, yeah, pretty sure. And I'm like, can't you tell the difference between blood and red water? I don't, seems, you don't really need some fancy tests for that. What's the things are red?

You can like try to, that's all the name things that are red that aren't blood. There's so many. I'm sorry. We don't have your fancy university science to tell whether or not something is or is not human blood. Right. You have to come to our smart town in the middle of Louisiana and solve this mystery. Yeah.

And she's literally like, you could like maybe call a scientist there. Like, you could maybe just do this yourself and he's like, no, it has to be you. And she's like, okay, cool. Yeah, he goes, well, we don't want to seem silly. And she's like, I mean, you just came and told another adult you think you have a river made of blood. So that's going bad. It's going bad. Right.

He actually says he doesn't want to call the TV station and get their scientists because, you know, our town doesn't want to look dumb. It's definitely a plague from God will look dumb if the TV station shut shut. Also, they happen to be blaming the river of blood on a 12 year old girl who killed her brother and the town wants to kill the girl now. Right. And he might as well say, I actually happened to notice your doodly do just before. You got a little girl thing. We got a little girl thing.

I don't know if that's could that be your inciting incident? And she's like could it could be my exciting incident. Okay, that's pretty good. That ties right in. And by the way, he really fucking slow played that element. Didn't he? Right. He went to a professional debunker and he was like, ooh, river of blood. And she was like, no. And he was like, oh, they're going to kill a child if you don't help me. Okay. Saved that one in my back pocket. Do you want to call the police for that? We will never call the police for. No, yeah, that's we're not allowed to do that.

We learned that later. Yeah. So with that introduced, they're going to head over to Haven. And one of the locals is going to give them a tour of the towns, lightning sand collection. Yes. Full. Right, Fulgarite. I love this stuff. I actually have some. I have a piece that I got in Morocco.

It's kind of rare. Okay. It's sort of like more money. You would even demon, you have to tell us. Yeah, are you in a mud cult? Maybe. I have no idea. Sounds like maybe.

Yeah, I didn't know of the time. Oh, and we're both only children. He except for my sister who I just forgot about. So, okay, she doesn't about. And it's okay. She doesn't listen. It's not TikTok. That's fine. Say whatever.

So, do you guys remember how when they're pulling up in the town, there's this like plaid shirt woman who I guess is out to be dude's wife, maybe. Yeah. I don't know. They never really make that clear until the end, like everything is just clear at the end. And she taps on the glass of the end, like everything is just clear at the end. And she taps on the glass of the truck that they're in to welcome them,

and my dog freaked out. Like she knocks on the glass, she's like, hello, and so he's like, oh, somebody set the door and runs downstairs. And so it took me like, you know, five minutes to calm him down and tell him, no, it's okay, nobody set the door and get him back up. And then two more times,

every time she speaks in this film, my dog freaks out on her. He just hates this actress. Yeah, like this actress is triggering to kill her the dog. I just thought you guys were on the show. She was an under five and pretty little liar. Mark, mark, mark, mark, mark. Nobody likes that friend. So yeah, the reason that she shows her the lightning sand, what is it called?

Full ground. Full ground. There's no reason. It's just how there's no reason that never comes back. They reference it like 40 times and it does not tie into the movie at all. Yeah. Yeah, our town gets hit by lightning a lot. Oh, a lot.

A lot. Yeah. So now she meets the local preacher and, hey, credit where credits do, this is authentically Southern. He's like, hi, are you a Christian? Do you want to go to hell? Yeah, that's like the most accurate part of the film. Doesn't he ask Idris Elba if he's Christian here too? Yeah, even though he's rocking an enormous crucifix. He's basically like, you seem like you're black. I'm not sure you belong here.

Yeah, right. And he's like, oh, well, maybe you should read the Bible. And Hillary Swank's like, yeah, no, I've read the Bible. Maybe you should read it again. Yeah, if there's a study, actually it's been replicated multiple times at devout Christians seem to know that the other people.

In case you get the order of the plagues wrong for the rest of your movie, maybe read it. All right, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna bonk address on the head. Is this okay? It is okay, that's right. So you have read it for 48 hours, let's start the clock. Yeah.

So now they're gonna head over to the river, which the local cops inform them is, in fact, still blood. Yes. They've seen opens and this like rookie cop comes over and he's like, still, still blood. Is it still blood? Okay. But they do make it, I got to be honest,

they make it look pretty cool. Like, there's all these dead fish floating in it. I was wondering, do you think that they made a CG red? Did they colorize it in post? Or did they actually die an entire river red? Because basically, her whole rhetoric is that there's toxic shit in the river, and that's a horrible thing to do to the ecosystem. But then they did it to make this move.

Yeah, I'm gonna hope it's CG. Yeah, I just got plenty of that bacteria. They were like, it's probably, so we can either kill like 300,000 people, that's how much blood we would need. That's like the only red thing that we know of. But wait, there's a back, you say there's a bacteria we can do? Okay, let's just just die you guys.

Let's just use die, that's a better idea. And then it won't smell so bad. You notice that, they walk up and they're like, oh God, it reeks. And I'm like, maybe you should like clean all those dead fish out of it. Throw them away. What are you doing? And this is the first time in the movie

that Idris and Hillary will science for us. And they're just, they're like dipping q-tips into the blood and being like, I'm not sure if this is blood or not. Are you gonna taste that with your ear? What are you going to do? Need to send this to the lab. Oh, yeah. They do that reagent test. Yeah. What is that reagent test called? I should know this because it's all over forensic files. And I watch forensic files a lot. Oh, you

put the thing into the jar with the thing. There you go. Is that what they, yeah. And so they do that. And then it turns black. And she's like, that's not even on the thing. There you go. Is that what they, yeah. And so they do that. And then it turns black. And she's like, that's not even on the scale. That's a science. There's nothing on the scale for plague blood. But that black is nothing. And like that doesn't help us at all. Okay. So now Hillary and Idris are going to wait through the blood for science. They don't tell us why. Like they're in a boat. They're perfectly fine in the boat. Like, why do they get out and just keep going? It's very unclear.

They could have just sampled from the, from like the shoreline. Yeah. Yeah. There's, it seems like they have already checked. You know, I feel like the water, if it's blood up there 20 yards ago, it's going to be blood here at the redness. But they decide to like, all right, we're going to split up and double our chances of finding the blood magic not together. So they weighed through.

You know what's so sad about this movie to me is that like Hillary Swank and E.D.R. Selba are legit good actors. And so even though this is a horrible movie with a horrible script, they like, they own it. Like they did commit. And so there are moments where you're like, oh, okay, I'm into it. I'm watching to go, oh fuck, this is a horrible movie. Yeah. Filled me again. Yeah, I actually enjoyed watching this movie,

like way more than normal. I like enjoyed my time watching it. Right, because it was like professionals who were trying their best. That's the thing, is some, I wanna know the backstory of everything that I, because right, you think Hillary and Idris could have turned to someone at some point and been like, is this bad? I think the thing we're making is bad, but we're here. I think they knew. I think it was like a slow year in 2007. Yeah. Like Idris's wife was pushing him to upgrade the kitchen. You know,

you got to do a film, fine. This shit hole is across my desk. Let's just do it in Hope No Beces. Hillary's trying not to do another thing with Clint, so she's like, oh, I can't, I'm doing flip, flip, flip. The reaping? I can't, I see how this happened. But yeah, she's like waiting around and this is where we get our first pop scare. Pop scare.

And this would be a 12 year old little girl, Pop scare. Yep. Like they always, why is it always have to be a little girl? Are little girls that creepy to people? This one was. I thought she was a good actor and she scared me throughout the movie. She was a good actress, but I found her endearing. I found her lovely.

There was nothing scary about it. I just wanted to help her. I wanted to get her some food and nice bath. That's fair. You know? I wanted to murder her. I wanted to get her some food and nice bath. That's fair. You know, I wanted to murder her. Teaser for later in the movie, did you personally want to bathe her yourself or is that inappropriate to do it to an adult? Spoilers.

Right. She was a little old for that, I think, a little old. But yeah, little girl pop scares and then runs away and duck shows up and he's like, yeah, that's the little girl everyone wants to kill. We let her loosen the woods where her brother died, you know, it's Louisiana. Well, Doug does a pop scare too for no reason. Hillary swags walking through the woods. She just got sort of attacked by a pop scare of a little girl.

She doesn't know what just happened. She got doodly dude and into a hallucination for a second because of that. Right. And she's walking along and Doug's just like, Catherine, I was just hiding behind the street. Catherine, you want to see my chains on hockey, man? She's like, she's like home-resistant. Like, come on, man, just relax. Why are you even there? Did she have a head injury at this point? Or was that later? I'm getting confused. Yeah, she bonked.

She bonked when the little girl jumped out of her. Yeah. And then they're like, hey, look at these ancient ruins, even though we live in America. And nothing here is that old. He's angel. I was literally just in Scotland. And I saw a bunch of ruins that looked just like that. And I love those that, yeah, like old castles that were like falling down and covered in

vines. And I love that shit. But I didn't think they existed in the US, except in this movie. Yeah, just in this movie, you say these are dozens of years old. These were. It happens a lot faster in Louisiana. You put up a castle right back. So meanwhile, back in the river, Idris Elba is testing it with a cute, he's literally dipping a single cute into the river, giving it a COVID test. Which he needed, apparently, to wait all the way out to be able to do just, just, yeah.

And then it begins to rain frogs. Yep. Right. And it's really loud, the frog raining, raining like so loud like the volume levels in this film are killing me But I don't like frog rain would never be that loud. It sounded like gunshots on the water Yeah, it was aggressive. There's a grass. I love that they didn't have enough money to do any more than like 15 frogs worth of Rain top like like a cartoon rain cloud of frog just over Idris Elba for a second and then done.

I wrote in my notes, I have nine frogs you guys can use. Nine, right. Which is hilarious because it's like they spent so much money on other things in this. Like there were parts of the movie where I was like, man, they got a good budget for this. And then the frog thing where they're in Louisiana and by the way, so I used to work as a TA, actually, not like EJRs though, I had a very different relationship with my professor at the University of North

Texas and I taught animal physiology and A&P, anatomy and physiology. And so we did, we dissected frogs quite a lot and they were those same kind of southern bullfrogs. And I remember once asking the person who sources them, like, do we order these from a lapse of black company? And they were like, no, they're live caught frogs. So we could do cool dissections and they were always full of like crayfish and stuff and their guts.

And so that's the thing. That is the cheapest crop in the whole movie because you could just literally, they were in the bayou. You just catch a few of them and then use them, but they didn't want to do that Oh, no, I'm picturing Uncle Mark just running around the bio and waiters. I fucking hate this. Come on We need we need 10 max you guys are ass. I did 11. You're done. We're done. They're poor PA working for like $100 Hey, Daniel, you know how you said you wanted to be more involved in production. Great news. Great news.

Because the frogs, they did look real, didn't they? Oh, yeah, I think they were. Yeah, I think they were real frogs. So they could have gone more. They're just lasing it out there. Yeah. So frog rain complete. Doug invites them back to his house where the rest of the movie is going to take place. He's just like, well, this scene is over. You guys want to come back to my place. Right.

And we also get the explanation of a little bit more about the plagues that are starting to happen here, but they're going to be out of order. And I wanted so bad to like, you know, they spray lambs blood all over the building so that God passed like, read the Bible, you can check for the solution to this. Lambs blood does it. He then he knows you're Jewish and he passes over. That's how Passover got its name. I'm pretty sure. But then like that causes flies and gnats to shove and then like the pile of dead lambs that they causes the pestilence with all the, and like, there's boils after that because they touch. But he, you don't understand, this movie was made for Americans.

Okay. This movie was made for people who never actually read the Bible. They just want the gist. Exactly. They've heard of some plague. I think there's some frogs and locans. Spark notes version of the Bible, if you will. Yes. Yes.

All right. Fair enough. Okay. Well, the point anyway is that Idris Elba is beautiful and we're going to take a quick break. I'm done explaining. Honestly, you guys don't have to cook for me. Don't be ridiculous. You've been on the show two months in a row.

It's the least teeth that I can do. Well, you seriously didn't. So for the ladies first course, a court of mango nectar and sink scotch, also a court. Eli, this is a drink mixer and heath. I mean, I guess people like scotch. Well, okay, sink scotch. It's slightly, it's scotch that you drink over the sink.

So no dishes. Okay, cool. So there's a lot to unpack there and apropos of nothing. Have you guys ever heard of Hello Fresh? What? What? Hello? Hello? I'm doing a bad thing. I'm doing a bad thing. You're not shouting in front of him. I'm doing it. You're not shouting in front of her. What's Hello, Fresh? What's Hello, Fresh? Okay. I'll kill you. Well, there are America's number one meal cat. Hello, Fresh. Let's you skip those trips to

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whenever you need. Wow, that sounds great actually. Yeah, it is. HelloFresh sent us a box to. And the recipes were delicious and convenient. A great way to skip a trip to the grocery store. All right, Cara, I'm sold. How do I sign up? Are you going to do is go to hello fresh.com slash awful 80 and use code awful 80 to get a total of $80 off across five boxes, including free shipping on your first box. So I go to hellofresh.com slash awful 80 and use code awful 80 to get a total of $80

off across five boxes, including free shipping on my first box. Yeah, that's what I just said. Just said that. Don't correct me. You're making a hostile work. You're in base. Stop it. Now, if you'll excuse me, the second course I've prepared is almost ready.

As is mine. Is it Oreos and more Scotch? Yes. Also, yes. Yes. You guys are weird. Jay Miss San Maria, thanks so much for coming. No problem.

After all, I'm a lady skeptic and I don't believe in anything. Right. Right. Right. So, as you can see, our river has turned into blood. Well, I think you'll find that it's actually infected with rare bacteria that turned it red. Oh, skepticism. Right.

Right. But as you can see, also everyone in town is breaking out in miraculous boils. See, a deadly reaction to said bacteria. I mean, I guess that seems... It's skeptic. Jorp, okay. But there's also the matter of the fire demon. He's just kind of been wandering around,

shooting fireballs for the last week or so. Or has he? I mean, he's standing right there. I'm sorry. Hey, what up? How's it goin'? Quiet! I'm Skeptaking.

Ha! Love you on brain games. I said I'm Skeptaking! Sorry! Sorry. And we're back. When we left off, the mean atheist was not able to explain the movie scenario with science. And now she's driving with their host Doug, and he's asking if seeing two out of ten old

testament plagues has convinced her. And it has not. Oh, this is weird. He's like flirting kind of. Yeah, I couldn't tell you if this was like a romantic drive or if it was like, I don't know, persecutorial, like it was kind of like sexy angry, I'm not sure. I think maybe all those words were in the script notes and those confusing for the actors. They were like, oh, sexy persecutorial. Is that was your own for director? Okay. But they arrive at the sheriff's

mansion, giant Greek temple. Right. Yeah. Haunted mansion. Of course he doesn't haunted that. He lives on mansion. Of course. And he's like, so that's my haunted mansion. Also, after all, nothing. I'm an only child. First born, you could say. And last born for, I don't know what you've said. First born like that. I'm an only child. First born, more time. And earlier he's like, so I have this huge mansion.

You guys could come sleep there because we don't really have a motel and she's like, that's weird, but okay. And then when they get there, he's like, okay, so I made up the living room right off the front door with a bed for you. And then that eagerness guy can sleep on the couch in some other random room. And she's like, what about all this bad rooms in your giant? I did my playrooms. I play in them now. I'm sorry. Is this a one bedroom, Greek man, triple slash.

Yep. So stupid. The rest is an open floor plan. I'm trying to do a thing. Excuse me for needing a seventh observatory, but you like science. All right. So now it's dinner time and it's time for a backstory lightning round. We will find out that interest, Elba, the eloquent black English man comes from De Hood. Oh, of course it is.

Because he's black. Yeah, he's got bullet holes and all these like tattoos. Like it's the laziest exposition ever. Like I was a gang banger and then I found God. End of exposition. That's it. But again, it's interest Elba and he's not like doing a voice. So he's like, oh, yes, I remember

my days in the game. Right. I'd say we'd pop up right about four just after T and do one of those drive-by shootings in a lorry. What fun it was. I'm Idris Elba. They're like Idris. Okay. I don't know if you can conceptualize this character very well. And he's like, yeah, I was in the wire. And they're like, no, no, but Idris, you got to dig deep for this. You got it. And he's like, yeah, you know the wire, like the best TV show ever met.

Yeah, I haven't seen it. Idris, you got to dig deep. It's going to be a gang banger. You can do this. Is that on BET? So called again. Why are you? I'll write it down.

Don't fit. Don't do it. Mommy, Tristan. No, I'm sorry. Sorry. This is also where we get our second not scary pop scare, which is he's grilling them some fish and they're like laughing and talking and they look back and pop scare the fish is all covered in flies.

And maggots for some reason. Yeah. Yeah, which is out of order. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, which is out of order. It's fine. Yeah, exactly. Science is all wrong. Also, not that scary, all things considered. No, none of them seem overly concerned about it.

And then it just like cuts to a scene of them just like scraping it into the trash. Like, okay, okay. Drop that on the floor. Can't eat that now. Like, no, it's covered in fucking flies and maggots. Like, yeah, I wrote my notes. So pizza, pizza.

Yes. I guess we fixed that pop scare with pizza and the garbage can. Okay. That wasn't really because they scary, was it? And then they just never eat any more food the rest of the movie. Nope. The food is no more. But sadly, before they can order pizza, they get a call that something's

wrong with a farmer's cows and they need to check it out because the dead livestock plague really mattered a lot more to bronze age people than it would to modern people. And Idris Elba is like, okay, I know I, you know, I have a master's degree, I'm a scientist, but like, all right, that's blood river, literally raining frogs on my head. Now maggots flies and livestock pestilence. You see the, like, it's a magical pattern. It's right from the plagues. And the research is like, no, it's probably Phesterea, the bacteria that's the thing that happens. It explains all that. Yeah, it's really sticking to our skeptical guns here. I appreciate that about her.

Yeah. So they arrive at the farm and we're gonna get another pop scare here. This is a pop scare cow. Oh yeah. Aw, that poor cow. He just wanted some love and tore through the side of the car for it.

Yep. Yeah. And then yourself is like, okay, well now a bull tried to head butt our truck to death. You want a new, Fisteria still Fisteria. Yeah, interesting. Yep.

Feels like the CDC would be working harder on Fisteria. It's just quite a lot of stuff. I don't know. I never heard of them making a big deal about it. Oh, and I love when the cow attacks the car because they're obviously going for scary, but it comes off way more jaws, the ride. Yeah, looks kind of fun. Oh, no, up, down, up, down, up, this is great moment where Idris obviously checks in with the camera, like, is that it? Did you get the shot? And then it jumps him up again. He's like, oh, still scared.

Huh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. So now Idris is going to check in if Hillary is convinced by four plagues. Now that they've seen the dead cows and the sick cows, but no, she is not. She's still not convinced by the dead and sick cows.

But at this point, she does do like this really in depth explanation of how all of this could be secondary to a bacterial infection, and I'm loving it. This was great. It's like really good. Yeah, it all made sense. And as she's like going hard, cause he's like, yo, I might have a master's degree

in debunking plagues, but I actually believe this is a plague. And she's like, and she's like, let me teach you all the things you should already know if you have a master's degree in debunking plagues, but as she's doing it, he's all sanctimonious and like laughing at her, like, you do to think it's happening. It's really just Jesus.

She's debunking the 10 plagues from the Bible. She's like, let me tell you how the Bible really happened. This happened and this was in the 10 plagues from the Bible. She's like, let me tell you how the Bible really happened. This happened and this was in the water and then this and that. And it's totally legitimate. Yeah. Yeah. She's explaining all that shit I was guessing about before, but with like real science

words. I was so happy. I was like, oh, it does make sense. And so what I said, but like kind of close, but with smarter words, yeah, be fair. I've got a better explanation, Hillary. The book lied. It's a lie book full of lies. I have science. I am the science now But as she's doing this and I'm like getting a little rouse

Idris is actually standing opposite her like clutching his cross pearls Like there's a scene. It's so great. He's like clutching the cross and she apologized you she's like, Hey, I'm Sorry, I just said all that science stuff about your favorite book So now Hillary's gonna go inside the farmhouse and look around because We've only met one creepy kid so far and there's a second one inside this movie. Yeah, right just Up late kid within Samnia drawn smoking a cigarette middle of the night. Yeah. And the little boy is drawing the cows dying. And in his child's drawing at the center of it is pop scare little girl using her magic powers to kill all the cows. Right. Yeah, just draw a clue to the movie.

You know, so she takes it because that's what every movie. Oh, can I have this drawing sure? This will be my road map to the rest of the film. Why does she take it? Would it like to analyze the picture in the lab? It's crayon just it's like dead cats, you're done. There's nothing. That's it. I'm gonna see if this is blood too. So she goes outside and this is where the farmer explains to her that last year his wife went to deliver cookies to PopScare Girls Mom. And when she looked through the window, they were doing a satanic ritual. Oh, that's what he explained. Okay, so we need to contact Matt and I couldn't understand a word, he said.

And literally I wrote last Christmas someone someone gave someone cookies, question mark, oh, Satanic rituals got it. Yeah, that was it. Oh, my God. That was it. Yeah, you got it. You got it. It's just weird that they didn't feel

that that was worth mentioning, you know, at the beginning. I wanted Hillary to be like, hey, follow up. Anyone else in a Satanic sacrifice called in town? I would just love to know if anyone else had town. Right. And why don't we all name all the Satan magic that we've seen recently or know about all the stuff. Let's just lay it out.

I have this picture of dead cows and crayon. It was next. This is my next clue. Yeah. So now it's time to check in with father foreshattering. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The preacher and he he's going to get his own pop scares here.

All right, I have no idea what this guy has to do with anything in the movie except for the phone call he's going to make 30 seconds before the end to be like, oh, let me explain the plot of this movie. We literally have no other way to explain it except for a phone call from me. But he's just going to like see some creepy stuff. And it's not even a good pop scare, like it doesn't work. Like he's, for some reason,

he's walking down like a dark outdoor alley. I don't know what you call that, reading. That's a reading area. He's walk reading. Yeah, like you do. And then there's like a statue, but it's not a statue, it's just the shadow of

a statue that doesn't exist, which is like, I guess the normal thing that should be there. And then it turns into bugs. Is that what happened? Right. But like you said, he misses it. So it's a pop scare that the character in the movie misses is like, and he's just like, oh, Garfield. Look, what you get up to next. Well, I'm guessing they tried to tell Mark to go get like 8,000 flies. And he was like, oh Garfield. Look what you get up to next. Well, I'm guessing they tried to tell Mark to go get like 8,000 flies and he was like, no, no, do shadows or something. I don't know. I got 10 frogs for you.

That's it. I'm over this. Catching more fly. No, I was sourcing these books bound in human flesh for weak. Okay. Okay. This is horrible. He didn't even call them out. detective. Okay. This is horrible.

You didn't even call them out. Oh, yeah. Then we get Idris Elba doing some science. Shreklet science. Yeah. Why was he doing naked dissection at his desk? That is contraindicated. I never once taught my students to take off their clothes before they did dissection.

Okay, 100%. The director was like, time for a big science moment. So Idris, you better pop the shirt. I'm fucking for the science. Yeah, I was gonna say, we're any of your students Idris Elba because I feel like you would have taught Idris Elba to do science in the shirt off.

Truth. I had taught him to do drama with the shirt off. Truth. But yeah, they're doing some more science. Oh, look at the fish, the dead fish are actually dead. And then we're going to cut to that night. And it's time for Hillary to do what her character will spend most of the movie doing wandering around creepy places.

Yeah, like in a half dream. And for some reason, in a prairie skirt, nobody sleeps in that outfit. What she was wearing was not a sleep outfit. No, no, she was wearing a pop scare outfit. Yeah, it was a white, flowy prairie skirt and like a white, beautiful tank top. And there were probably designer, you know, there's like a $650 white prairie skirt. And then no shoes ever because why would you walk around barefoot in an outbreak of fisteria, like you're a fucking scientist, and you think there's bacteria everywhere.

So let's just not wear shoes. Good idea. Yeah. She is wearing the wedding dress at an outdoor wedding that everyone knows sucks, but has to go to. That's what she's wearing for neck pro. Absolutely. That'd be a cool thing to wear to wedding. I thought it looked good. I thought she looked great here. She looks amazing in this way, man. You can wear it at a time. Yeah, she's like super fit. Okay, question for everybody.

Uh-huh. Remember in the office where they try to decide if Hillary Swank is hot or pretty? What do you think? In the office. Oh, like the show, the office. The show division show the office. I don't remember that scene in the movie. Oh, like the show, the show, the television show, I don't remember that scene. Oh, now I really wish there was like she walks out of the room and Idris and the priest started getting a big argument. What are you talking about? You're, you're distracted by boys. Don't cry. That's the problem is you're being distracted by the economy. You can be hot and pretty. You guys are assholes. Idris would have said pretty because he gave her like the paternalistic like forehead kiss

at one point and then Doug would have said, hot because spoiler alert, he dream raped her. Yeah. That's what we're about to get there so that she's going to happen. She wonders. We get a pop scare French door here, a pop scare repeating record. But it's not even it's like a phonograph. Yeah.

It's an outdoor phonograph. Girl, it's there. What are you doing? She's just walking through the scary house being like, Hey, Doug, I'm going to put out this empty room of candles because it seems windy. I don't know why. I see you're not in here. I think it's his bedroom and she just like walks right in like who fucking does that? Yeah. Who just walks into a weird bedroom and a scary haunted

mansion? Is that an outdoor record player? I'm gonna turn that off for you too, Doug. Doug, your house is mostly made of pop scare stuff. Do you realize? You know, that's a lot of stuff. And so while she's on the balcony blowing out the candles and turning off the phonograph, she sees like, I don't know, like some teaky torch it, like it seems like there's like a white supremacist march down the way. Oh, yeah. I mean, it is like, right, I should go see what's going on down there. That's, that's a good idea, right?

I'm going to walk through the woods barefoot, check out the mystery fire now that I've turned off this record player. Yeah. That makes sense. Spoiler alert, people are going to try to get Hillary at the end of this movie, but turns out all they needed was a box held up by a stick based on her behavior. So it really went to a lot of trouble. They didn't need, but yeah, she finds Doug. And he's talking to a coffin with his random bottle of southern booze. Yes. His bathtub, Jim.

I love that she walks right up and then like sees kind of what's happening and just tries to walk away before you notice. But then he sees her. She's like, Hey, I was just walking away from you. What are you doing? And he's like, I'm just talking about dead wife who died of cancer. Let me tell you all about how horrible her death was. Oh, great. Yeah. Could you tell? Yes about how horrible her death was. Oh, great.

Could you tell? Yes, I was hoping you could tell me about that. Oh. And as he's telling her, she's getting a little randy. I don't understand. They're both like, oh, dead husband, dead wife. We should do it. We should fuck.

Thank you. This is what I wrote in my notes. I was like, and I reading into this. Weirdly, you were not. You were not. Oh, I really, really miss my baby daughter. Yeah, because then in the next scene, they're fucking. Yeah, it's weird.

It's weird. Yeah, so your family got murdered. We have in a moment. No, I think we are though. So we get a weird sexy, so it's unclear. Are they, did they have sex or is this a dream? Because Wikipedia thinks she has a dream about them having sex. She has a dream about them having sex, but then it turns out that it actually happened

because she's pregnant. Oh, I think that's the end of the movie. Real sex here. It had to have been real sex because she flashes back. Oh, I know that they had real sex in the reality of this back. Oh, I know that they had real sex in the reality of this movie, but is she, did they have sex while she was asleep, which is not sex by the way? I don't know why I put it that way. That was weird. I think it said it was dream sex because he's obviously evil. Oh, fuck, I'm giving away all the movie.

I mean, the movie gave away motion. Yeah, I don't want to spoil this movie for everybody. So I think the issue is that Doug is evil and he somehow like dream raped her. I thought he drugged her with the stuff. Yeah. Oh, I don't know if he actually needed to do that because in this movie, you can just do whatever you want because it's lazy. Yeah. So I think that they just had him sleep rape her.

Okay. Yeah. All right. But we see that scene now. But it was a dream sleep rape her. Okay. Yeah. All right. But we see that scene now. But it was a dream, but it wasn't. Yeah, it was really weird. And also the whole part leading up to that where he's talking to her about her time in the Sudan and she's like giving all the exposition

about being a dickhole missionary and like her husband being killed. For some reason, because I couldn't understand his voice because he has like a Southern accent and then also which is weird because I'm from Texas but his Southern accent was like shitty and fake but also because you guys type the notes and the Sudan is lowercase in it. I kept hearing the Sudan and it was really confused because I thought he was asking her about the car she was driving but then that sort of thing. So how did that missionary work go with the

Camry? Yeah he's like how did you pick that Sudan and I thought she was going, but then that sort of, how did that missionary work go with the, uh, to the camera? Yeah, he's like, how did you pick that sedan? And I thought she was going to be like, you know, it's reliable. Has a cycle. Like, you know, there's much. The mileage, you know, through like the mechanic,

you don't get pulled over a lot. I don't know if you know the steps on that. Normal silver sedan gets pulled over less. Yeah. Cool. So the next morning after her sexy dream and or sex, Hillary is making herself breakfast of blood eggs. Pop scares.

Pop scares. Pop scares. Yeah. Also, that kitchen is really shitty. Yeah. Like did anybody else, was anybody else like this house is enormous and like quite lovely. And then it's like the tiniest little one bedroom apartment

in New York kitchen. I don't get it. Yeah, I really skimped on the kitchen. They went with giant Greek pillars. And then they were like, and I don't know like third tier kitchen for Louisiana. Yeah. It's weird. Anyway, that's like all I noticed in the scene. It actually looked a lot like our kitchen in South Georgia that was like, you know, $250 a month for an entire house. Yeah. There you go. There you go. That's probably where they shot it. Just heath wandering through with his little trash bags. Yeah. Hillary, don't touch my stuff. My stuff's labeled in the kitchen is me throwing out blue apron full of flies.

But not hello fresh, everybody. Hello fresh. It's great. They don't give you bloody eggs. That one's free. Hello fresh. They don't give you bloody eggs. That one's free. Hello, fresh. They don't give you bloody eggs. Oh, I'm buying. They don't give you bloody eggs.com. That's our next ad.

Just everyone be ready for that. I like how I was so distracted during this whole scene. All I wrote was, fuck, Idris Elba is so hot. Yep. It's okay. I did the same thing. Yeah, she is weird. Too close to her TA. I do not

like their relationship. It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I will say I would watch the hell out of a remake of this movie where they have a realistic TA teacher relationship where she's like, all right, you just, we've got to check if the rivers made a blood. Oh, I actually can't make it this Sunday. Because my grandma died again. No, it's the same one. She came back to life. They buried her in the pet cemetery. Right.

Like they chives with the plot, right? Yeah, she walks around a dream sequence for a little while. We have some really silly pop scares. And we also get the flashback to her daughter being murdered by random Africans okay, but she's being an asshole missionary again and the movie doesn't realize they're doing that and it's great It's true the irony is like lost on them so good. Yeah, she she goes up to one of the guys in Sudan where she's being an asshole missionary She's like yeah, just not to belabor the point,

but murdering won't cause rain. So you're sacrificing an animal and he's like, fuck your face, so I'm just gonna eat this animal. Go away. And she's like, okay, sorry, sorry. Just don't murder my daughter to make it rain. Why would I see that? Just, oh my, weird.

Bye. I jumped to that. So Hillary wakes up from her dream sequence, flashback racism. And back at the mansion, Doug is snooping through interest is science stuff. Yeah, you know, he's just got his desk is disheveled. And there's apparently a bovine cell on the screen because he's looking at it under the microscope because miracle debunkers are also pathologists. And he's looking at it and the guy's like, what is that?

And he's like, oh, this is a healthy bovine cell. See how strong its walls are? This is what I hate in movies where people don't take a moment to do basic science research. And this is what I can in movies where people don't take like a moment to do basic science research And this is what I can tell about these screenwriters is that they like learned a word or two And then they were like how do we work this into the script so we sound smart mitochondria what exactly but then the basic science is okay Just to be clear once again going back going back to your intro biology class that

you took in seventh grade. End of last week, reticulum. You're doing well. Do you remember which type of cell has a cell wall? Plants. Yes. And which one only has a cell membrane? Animals.

Animals. Thank you. Fucking cow cells don't have cell walls. I would like an Asian kid to cheat off for this part of the podcast. And I had one of those in seventh grade. So I would like one now as well. Just don't cheat off of Idris Elba because he's a bad miracle scientist. All right. Well, we got some science. We got Idris Elba getting Hillary swank through her nightmare, very tenderly and lovingly, I must say. And he wants her to become a Christian now. I agree with whatever he thinks, but she's a skeptic. So she's going to go figure out how Phesterea bacteria causes

Fireball hurricanes and demon magic We're gonna take one more quick break and then we'll be back with the swanky conclusion of the reaping Okay, everyone time to start third grade here at Haven Elementary Who brought in a picture to show the class? Oh, oh, I brought a picture of my dog Rex, and also my dad sacrificing my dog Rex to the God Bill. Excellent, Nathan and Timmy. I do a pretty flower. Just a pretty flower. Uh, yes.

Timmy, what is the rule here at Haven Elementary? Only Quippy-Prophetic-Drawings? Yes. Creepy-Prophetic-Drawings. Exactly. I'm gonna need you to add some prophecy to that. Or at least some blood. Okay.

I also drew Drove Biden winning the election. Don't fucking jinx it, Nathan. Sorry! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. He's gonna. And we're back. And if the plot of this movie has taught Hilary Swank's character anything, it's that she needs to explore more places all by herself.

So she goes walking around alone in a blood swamp with demon cows and then she breaks into the house of a magical plague causing child. So that's where we are breaking in. Yep. Yep. And just so you know, like you do not want to sneak up on a house in the south, even if you're as white as Hillary Swank, these are people who are, I would say, defined by not liking to be snuck up on. And you see, right? Right. A lot of laws there, kind of, um, that aren't on your side. If you're the breaker slash enterer, yeah, you don't want to enter like the little gate

at the front of the property. You definitely don't want to check out their secret blood closet inside of their house that you've broken into. This is so difficult. This is about, this is amazing. She pulls the lever, their secret blood closet opens, and then she does not go down into there. And look, I don't believe in the supernatural, but if I ever find someone who has a fucking hidden door, best case scenario is

they have weird fuck stuff, right? Best case scenario is you're looking at pengelette. Worst case scenario, you really, really, pengelette has a fuck closet. Really, really don't want to go down there. It's weird to me that she's wandering through this house as if she's never been there before and is confused by its sights of poverty. You know, she's like, ooh, they don't have any money. And as she's like reaching through

and like pushing on things and like testing things out, she goes into like the pantry and with no clues, no cues, no first try, she goes, my bet you I could open the pantry. I think we're at room behind. Wonder if there's any secret wall doors. This one, you say, yeah, this wall moves out of the way. I've been doing this for 15 years.

I've never found a wall door and they said, they said, stop pulling on it like it's a magic bookcase But who seems silly now? Before she can go down into weird fuck closet little pop scare girl shows up again and she's Spiriting Is that what was happening? I was waiting for you guys to introduce this She wasn't just like cut on her leg, maybe. You didn't even know that that's what was happening.

Like, overtly, she was like, so this is you becoming a woman. Yeah, because I wrote my notes. Hey, maybe don't offer the birds and bees talk, a la hostage negotiations with a feral child you just met. I love this. I'm so glad you introduced this. I was waiting to see how the boys were going to talk up and and she's period and I would have got that all wrong. I thought it was like, oh, you're becoming a woman. Like you're becoming a man. Like you cut your knee and then you got to like feel the pain. Yeah, there's one thick trickle of blood coming down one of her legs on the inside.

She's obviously not wearing shoes because she's feral. And it's just there. Like the whole movie it's there actually, right? Yeah, this she will be, she will have a slow gentle trickle of menstrual blood running down her leg for the rest of the movie. Yes. Spoiler alert, it is actually going to get grosser. There is a thing that will get grosser than the slow trickle of menstrual blood. Oh, do you mean Hillary Swank's behavior here?

Well, that's definitely one of it. Where she's like, hey, uh, Ferrell Child, is your mom here? No answer? Cool. How old are you? No answer. Okay. You want to have less blood and dirt on you? I'll just give No answer? Cool. How old are you? No answer. Okay. You want to have less blood and dirt on you?

I'll just give you a sponge bath. I am going to bathe you now. No answer. I'm going to take that as a yes. Cool. Yeah. She goes to bathe the kid and she has, you know, weird magic horror movie blood visions. But I really wanted her to wake up from the vision.

The kids just like three steps back from her like like, hey, don't try to wash me. I'm gonna. No, no thank you. And it's like with a filthy, she finds like a filthy fisteria rag. And like runs it under a little water in an outdoor sink. And it's like, hey, I'm gonna wipe your vagina with this. And the kids like, I don't think so.

No, thank you, man. You know what? I'm gonna stop doing the mute thing. No, please don't do that. Horror movie doodly do. Horror movie doodly do. Yeah, but Hillary wakes up from her horror movie doodly do after trying

to wash a strange girls vagina. And this is where Deva Girl's mom shows up. Oh yeah. And this actress fucking goes for it. Right? Yeah, she's good. She's great. She walks in, she goes, are you here to kill my daughter? She's like, no, no, she's good. She's good. She's good. She walks in. She goes, are you hit? Kill my daughter?

She's like, no, no, not at all. And she's like, why not? Yeah, okay, see when you first asked me, I wasn't sure it wasn't clear which answer you were looking for. Am I gonna kill her? Yes or no? I said no. Do you want me to kill her? Yes, in case that wasn't clear. Yeah, okay. Okay. But then she's like no, I'm here to help her and she goes she don't need no help. And I'm like wait, but you just said I don't understand.

And then the daughter has like rabies or something because she's like trying to eat her. She puts the mom in a choke call meeting. She has like a little girl choke called on the mom. And I really wanted like to watch a full sleeper hold as this child just like lowers her mom to the ground like. I was about to get a vagina wash out of this mom. Don't wreck this for me. But see they couldn't do that because that would require that she has lines. And at this point in the movie I'm wondering if they just didn't give her line so they could get away with paying her like the extra

Yeah, the under five you know like not a speaking part rate. Yeah, cuz yeah, she's not spoken yet Maybe they did in this whole film and in a surprising twist In reaction to this little girl jumping on her mother's back and trying to strangle her to death Hillary's makes character is like, well, it looks like you guys have got this situation under control. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. Well, she office to give a hand for a second and mom's like, get the fuck out. She's like, no, you're I'm the problem right now. Sorry.

I'll thank you. When washing either of your vaginas be helpful right now. No, no, no. Okay, I think I'll take off. When washing either of your vaginas be helpful right now. No, no, okay. All right, I think I did offer. That's over two. It's going to miss again. So meanwhile, back in town, Idris goes to the center of town

and it realizes that everyone has lies. But they don't look like lies. They like, lies are white and they make them look like ticks. Also, Lice aren't like super fast runners. As far as I know. Yeah, they're like these huge, like they show them and they're like a hundred times larger than a Louse

and they're running really fast. They're like beetles, they're beetles on their heads. There's just this one very funny moment where we watch them shaving all the kids heads and they're like, this must be a magic thing. We got to kill that little girl. But in the background, an extra is doing that perfect. Like, I don't know how to anything with my hands.

So you just hear gently patting a kid on the shoulder and wrote my notes, it's okay, honey. The bald look is hot. We can put this video on only fans. It is. That's just, I can't tell what you mean by that. But also, is that how you treat, you don't, they make little cones. They do.

And like a shampoo, you don't have to shave everybody's head. You can still get lice. But you can. Your head is shaved. To be fair, you can. Everybody's there. This town's solution to this lice is gonna be to kill a 12 year old.

So I'm guessing they're not up on all the latest life technology. Right. I think you I think you might be right. What if we just light everybody's face on fire? No, that's too much. That's too much. Different. Or we could just light we could just burn all the dead cows and have a giant barbecue. Like it must have smelled so good at that death pit. Oh yeah. Yeah. We passed by the

death pit for a little while. We see them burning the dead cows. I love that. There's a pile. It's so it's there's plenty of space for, you know, the 50 cows that that died, but they clearly like stacked them. So at some point, some kid was like, Dad, do we have to like pile them up? Is that cows? And here's the thing, have you ever tried to stack a cow? Okay. It I have, it's ridiculous. I haven't.

It's not easy. I don't think because they don't they weigh like hundreds and have barely have a way. No question. Have you ever tried to stack a cow, Karen San Maria? You will never know the answer. I knew you were behind the cow stackings out. No, first you don't sweep your florist.

Now you've got that folder, right? You're a demon. You stack in cows. We know it's up. We get it. We're we're first born. Which by the way, you mentioned Fulgerite, little, little thing that I think about Fulgerite. I don't, I'm not a Fulgerite expert, but I you mentioned Fulgerite, little thing that I think about Fulgerite, I'm not a Fulgerite expert,

but I have some Fulgerite on my bookshelf. Yes, I'm thoughts. It's like, so what Fulgerite is, as we mentioned, when lightning strikes sand, which can happen in desert locations, not sure where all the sand is in Louisiana, that the lightning is striking, because it's usually not like just a beach thing.

Like I got mine in Morocco, there's a lot of sand there. Yeah, I don't picture people with like beach umbrellas next to the bayou just like, yeah, I don't know. Where's all the sand that the Fulger writes making? So when lightning strikes sand, it makes these little tube structures,

because basically it superheats the sand so much that it gloms onto all the sand around it and makes glass. So it's like a little tube of like thin brittle glass. You can't make a wind chime out of that. I was gonna say break what we will learn is that this town uses all their folgarite for wind chimes. Yeah, and it would just crumble. It just doesn't make any sense. You guys, and then they walk around barefoot in piles of glass that they created, shed glass on everybody's front porch.

Shaving their kids heads. They covered in, covered in fisteria bacteria. Yeah. Is that a real thing? Or did they make that up? 50, 50, they made it up. 50 points. No, it's real, but it's not bacteria.

It's algae. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was claimed to be responsible for fish kills in the 80s and not. Yeah, it's an algal bloom. Here you go. You got a real thing. And it has a cell wall. Oh, yeah, wood, but not a not a cow cell. No, no, But they do call it bacteria, which is confusing. And those words rhyme. That's true. Yeah. I mean, I felt rhyming when I said it earlier. Funny. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. So now they're at the coroners to check out the body of pop scare little girls older brother who she killed. Yeah, well, supposedly. Yeah, supposedly.

And nobody witnessed. They unveiled the body to see that he is turned into a mummy. Right. He's looks like an old man. Like he's, he's like in an advanced stage of decom, but also he looks like he's aged a little bit. Yeah, or something is weird. Mm-hmm. I don't know.

And Ejres Elba is weird. I don't know. And Ejres Elba is apparently also a medical examiner. He's the one, like the autopsy guys, like, well, just in the corner, you can put on gloves and examine them. You got this one, love doing the wire, by the way. Just love it. You're so good. It's very weird.

I don't want to spoil it, but are you taking notes on it? I have to. I don't want to. It's a whole thing. And on it? I have to. I don't want to. It's a whole thing. And so they roll, they roll the body over. And there's like a sickle scar, which you always do. And there's a sickle scar that matches the sickle of the Bernie face photographs that matches the sickle of the

secret blood pantry that matches all the sickles in the movie. Because when you don't know how to write, you just make there be a symbol. And then you put it in all the significant points of the movie, and then you say, look, it's the devil. Yep, that is exactly right. And what I should point out is this is going to indicate that he is part of a satanic cult, right?

Which means that he was being inducted into the satanic cult, and they were like, great, where do you want your evil, sickle, brand scar? And he was like, I think a tramp stamp, tramp stamp. Tramp stamp. Great. Love it. And this is where it yourself is like,

oh, okay, so, you know, there's like a murderous cult here, we should call the police. Yeah, so like, let's call the FBI. No, she says that. Oh, yeah, she says that. And he's like, we're way past police. Yes, that is the exact quote. She says we should call the FBI and he goes,

no, we're way, but we both wrote that. What does that mean? What does it mean to be past the police? But it was just like, okay, well, you know what, it is what it is moving on. The whole river is actual human blood. We're figuring this out. The FBI does not need to be involved.

Right. Cause they get that they get the results of the Q tip test. Yes, they also got their lab, they got their lab results back and their lab results aren't, hey, man, did you send us fucking blood? And he actually like does the calculator. He's like, the back of the napkin, the 200,000 dead body. But after make that much blood, where's the blood coming from? Is my question. Uh, and pin in that because the answer is going to be yuck. The answer is a strong period. Yep. Apparently, spoilers, he's, spoilers, demon period, demon period.

But just that Hillary gets a call from pre-stech Smoky to tell us what the fuck is going on in this movie. Sort of, sort of, to tell us that because I don't really, the exposition doesn't even make sense. He just reads a bunch of gobbledy gook out of a book. First born, second born, something about the first born, and then the second born. I got to introduce the second born into this film, even though that has nothing to do with anything biblical. You following? He invents like a sequel, a prequel to the Bible here. He's like, oh, you know what? to do something about the business. And I think that's the first one. And I think that's the

second one. And I think that's the second one. And I think that's the second one. And I think that's the second one. And I think that's the second one. Right. So what we're supposed to believe is happening, right? Is that pop scare little girl and pop scare little girls older brother and mom are part of a

Ancient satanic cult pre-biblical Ancient satanic cult that kept its firstborns and murdered secondborns all to give birth to the perfect Satan child Wait, how did you get this? I watched did you like me? Did you rewind it and rewatch that scene like four times? Because I had no idea what he was talking about. I'll tell you my secret when it comes to these movies. The nerds over at Wikipedia, they do all the movie summaries and the nerds, they've argued it out on the chat page.

And so when I look at the plot summary, it tells me what the fuck was happening. Gotcha, because I did not get any of that from his exposition. Yeah. That should be the subtitles, just Wikipedia arguing. Haha. That's the chapter of Wikipedia. But yeah, the point is that God is punishing what we're supposed to believe at this point

in the movie because spoiler, there's going to be a twist is God is punishing this town for what this little girl's family did. And also, apropos of nothing, there's also an angel that can defeat that satanic cult and is meant to destroy them. Wait, what? They said that too. Yeah, because remember, he's like, you have to kill the little girl here, Ray Swank. And she's like, I'm sorry, did you just say you read a book? And now I have to kill a little girl. And he's like, yes, that is, that is the plot of the movie right now. Yeah, he's like, I'm looking at this ancient beautiful etching where there's a scary little girl. They keep going back to that stupid picture. And I'm like, there's no way that book is older than the Bible. No. Like you'd be wearing white gloves.

You know, it would be like underneath the like, plexiglass thing. Like I actually saw a book at the Cambridge library that was written in like the 1500s and it was hand calligraphy and like, gilded and it looked like it was going to fall apart if you breathed on it. Yeah. Like I don't understand. Can I just tell you from experience librarians hate it when you do wacky shenanigans around

those kinds of books? They they are very little sense of humor about those books Especially when they are bound in human flesh that was never referenced in the movie I just recently interviewed somebody on my podcast Studies books found in human flesh and it's been on the mind. It's pretty interesting. There you go Opportunity I was just thinking about skin books a lot recently. I'm going on.

I actually have. Yeah. So now Hillary's back at Little Girl's house, but this time she's going to go into spooky symbol basement. Damn it. Wait, before she goes in, you forgot all about the bubonic plague. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Everyone, they get upstairs from checking out the body and everyone's dead of boils. Yeah, they've got boo-bo's, which of course makes sense that the boo-bo's would follow the lice because that's how the plague works. But we have an antibiotic for that now and they just, I guess, didn't want to do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wasn't the actual plague like fleas and not rats?

Well, the rats carry the fleas. The rats carry the fleas, but it was the fleas like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Podcasts. It's all those fit. Joe Rogan, I can't. What is that? The frog rain.

The frog rain? Oh, yeah, the frog rain. That one I can't really explain. You're the regan. Skeptic. Skeptic. Yeah. But she's gonna go all Christian now.

Yeah, exactly. She's gonna go into spooky symbol basement. And she finds little girl's mom in there who explains that she's gone over. Oh, right. Yeah, the mom's just down there for no reason. So Hillary swang's like, Hey, you just see her hanging out down here.

You don't have like a magazine or anything? You were just standing there. And at this point, like, we still think, I thought we think that the girl is evil. Right. I didn't really know that there was a satanic, ritualized thing happening. I didn't get that from the priest.

So I was very confused as to who built this torture chamber. I thought maybe the little girl was an ironsmith. Look at that. Because it's like pretty profess. Yeah. built this torture chamber. I thought maybe the little girl was an iron Smith. Cause it's like, it's like pretty profess. Yeah. There's like an autopsy table. And there's a lot of like cool vintage medical supplies that they must have just been like thrift shopping for for a while. Yeah. Very fancy down there. I love that in your mind, though, the little girl did this. Like, can I have the basement for a playroom? And her mom was like, whatever you want, honey, and then she comes down the next day and she's like, oh, autopsy table, fuck.

Right. Because if you don't, if you didn't get any of the exposition, then you literally just think the girl's evil and everybody else is like, why haven't you killed the evil girl yet? She's a fucking weirdo. She's like doing ritualistic murder in my basement. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of what I thought the plot was.

But now you've enlightened me that the mom was like in on it. Yeah. This movie's about parenting, I would say. That's about attachment style. And then mom shoots herself in the mouth. Oh, yeah. That was sudden, but not really. We kind of saw that coming. She shoots herself in the mouth and then little girl starts to come downstairs, which is supposed to be scary, except we know her mom's dead body is there. And so I'm just writing in my notes. I'm like, Hey, you're gonna let her find her mom's dead body. Okay.

Not super cool. Not super cool. He'll sweat. Oh, right. Cause she's, cause she's hiding from her. Right. Yeah. Hillary Swank goes and hides here.

Cause soon the bleep bleep after. I was gonna say this is she hides. She hates the favorite part of the movie. Bleep. So yeah, the next day, bleep bleep gets you killed by demons. You deserve it. I'm happy. But it doesn't because she's the protagonist.

So she stays alive even though she could have been killed a million times. Right. And that's just when the town all pull up to kill the little girl. Yeah. They pull up and she goes outside and what's waiting outside, but a bunch of not locusts. Are they locusts or they cicadas? They are. Are they grasshoppers?

They're CGI crickets is what they look like. They're deathmiddly. I think they're like grasshoppers. I mean, someone could have just Google image locusts, but they did not. These are multicolored and range anywhere from puppy size to, you know, ones like six foot seven.

But they're beautiful. Yeah. Like for the first, I don't know, five minutes of the scene before the girl starts to control them and make them like kill people, they're like lovely and enchanting. And I'm like, I wanna see a swarm of locusts, that's stunning. Yeah, well, and she's like playing with one,

she's got one in her hand, it's kind of adorable. And then everybody shows up with guns and doesn't realize that like, okay, well, she's gonna sick the locusts on it, right? Like that's, I want to say, the guy who cocks his gun and decides to shoot the demon little girl really rolled the dice on those locusts being decorative. Oh, I don't know. We'll got a thought of bullets. I hope God hasn't thought of bullets. Chariots of iron. Here we go. A bullet's good for a swarm of locusts. I hope God hasn't thought of bullets. Chariots of iron. Here we go.

A bullet's good for a swarm of locusts. I will be fine. Yeah. Yeah. That's yeah. You could totally he was he was doing his locust target practice earlier. That's the best use of ammunition. It's popping off. Locust one by one. But yeah.

As Cara said, she summons the locusts and they all attack all the towns, well, not all the towns, but they attack the towns, people who showed up at the house and they all get locusts to death. And Idris hides in the mausoleum, the ancient ruins we saw earlier, and Doug dives into the river of blood. Yeah, so I'm now really confused about the geography of this town. Great question. Because I thought everybody was at the house, but immediately they're in places other than the house.

Yeah. Like the girl is at the Mousseliam, is the Mousseliam in his backyard? It must be, it must be in little girls' backyard. That was her other playroom. She's like, I'm gonna build, you know, the murder chamber and a crypt, Mousseliam in the backyard.

Right. And does the river run also right by her house? Because everybody's just able to show up places in like no time flat. Yeah, it's unclear. I don't get it. I'm unclear. I also, to be clear, I do not find this girl scary.

I find her very sweet. And I feel like a mothering kind of response to her when I see it. Like I feel bad for her. So I don't think that they did a good enough job of making her creepy. No. Because I was just like worried about her well-being the whole time. No, we are supposed to think maybe Hillary should kill this child because she got a call from a priest

and locals in Louisiana don't like her. Right. And but really, she's just like dirty and like she's been, she's an neglected child and it's kind of sad. Like that's all I see. It's an neglected child who needs some help. And she took like an adorable positive turn here. She was scaring me a little bit earlier, but now she like, she's a cricket whisperer

and she'll tacked a bunch of assholes with a lynch mob of guns trying to kill her with cricket. Like she's awesome now. Yeah. When they try to like make her creepy, what they do is this CGI thing in her eyes to light them up. It just makes her look more like a princess. There you go. See now that's the princess you can't order on Zoom. The one that has an army of locusts at her command. Where's that Disney movie? All right.

So, so Ben's in the crypt and he radios Hillary to let her know he's safe and sound in the Abandoned crypt Right we get a little more bleep bleep here just which added to the humor to me. It was just like bleep bleep I'm in a crypt. I found a giant room of dead kids over and she's like bleep bleep don't know how to respond to that You want to just do separate things for a little bit more? It was realistic she would have just written back LOL, which is what everyone writes back when you don't know what to respond Crazy Right, although I got to say so yeah, he discovers a crypt full of dead babies and I just want

to say they don't turn into zombies, but Idris Elba versus 400 zombie babies is a great fight. And this movie could have redeemed itself. It was willing to show it to me. You're right. Because instead he's like the girls out there, I'd better hide in here. And I'm like, you could take a 12 year old girl, Idris Elba. He's got that.

Like, you're a big dude and you've got bullet holes in your body. I would watch that too. Interstellar versus a little girl. Absolutely. And he's got that big cross around his neck. Aren't you supposed to be able to just like burn that into their flesh or hold it up or something? Like I never know which movie tropes apply and don't apply in films like that. Yeah. The power of Christ compels her, right? Exactly. He's immune to the locusts because he's Christian.

Right. But before he can go out and fight that little girl, he makes a noise. And so Hillary runs to Ben, but sadly, Idris Elbera not, he is the black guy in a horror movie. And now he's dead. Of course. They gave him longer than most movies would.

They did. I'll give them that. This is also where Doug shows up and she's like, Hey, Doug, did you jump into the river of blood? Because Yuck, dude, Yuck. Yeah. And just to catch you up, Doug, the little girl, she is actually Satan, but she trusts me so you go away now. I'm gonna finish the movie myself. Yeah. She's going to go out and stab this little girl with the sacrificial knife she stole from the underground chamber. But before she does, she asked Doug one last time,

how do we know what's real? And he says, faith. Faith! Christian. A more fun movie. So here's the fun thing about this. I did not want to do this movie. I listened to a recommended and he was like, oh my gosh, you should do the reaping. And I was like, this just looks like a bad horror movie.

I get that it has the plagues and I don't want to do it. So he took a cell phone video of this scene, which is about to stand a little girl and the girl was like, safe. video of this scene, which is about to stand little girl and little girls like safe and just with the caption Christian movie and emailed it to me. And I was like, I'm amazing. She halloween sputacular Christian movie. Amazing. But yeah, she she like rolls around with this little girl for a bit and then they have

the Martha moment from Superman versus Batman. She says explain. So the little girl is like, I'm so lucky. And she's like, what? Because I have you. And in one of the flashbacks, that's what her daughter said right before she got murdered by the Sudanese human sacrifices. Actually, it's what the daughter should have said, but it's not. It's what she said. Oh, that's right. Yes. Yeah. That's like not good parallel structure, but whatever. Right. I fixed it by accident.

Yeah. You did. Yeah, you fixed it. This is also where the movie remembers that they didn't finish the plagues yet. And they're already out of order, but they're, they're just like, oh, shit. All right, we have like a few minutes left. Did we do the darkness yet? No.

Okay. A little girl you want to make darkness happen for a second darkness. Great. Three days later, because that's what it said in the Bible. I guess we flash forward three days. I was trying to say cool. Wasn't there like a hell storm and fire, but before that hell. No, it was before the dark. Okay. Three days earlier, hell storm fire and darkness. Three days later. Are we good? Cool. So they don't actually jump around in time like that.

But he's I'm glad you pointed out the darkness moment because when the darkness rolls over, both Hillary and the little girl like darkness isn't super scary and modern. Do his weight for three days here. Silence. If they had showed us three days of silence, and then it's been like super dark for a while now. All right. This movie would have been the real boyhood. Do we fight at the end of this? But the point is she says the like, they have the Martha moment. She's like, I'm so lucky. I have you. And this is where Hillary has a ex-mocking a flashback moment where she

realizes the little girls, not the devil devil she's the angel sent to stop the evil cult. Which is obvious the whole movie I thought. Absolutely. The little girl is not scary. Yeah. Like she's a sweet sad victim of neglect. And then she's like, why is everybody trying to kill me all the time? This is really fucked up. Yeah. And the movie is hoping, let's be clear what the movie is stupid because I got fooled by that for most of the movie. I was like, fuck this little girl. You shouldn't kill her. Okay, I see what they did at the end.

They've switched it. Well, here's what the movie managed to convince. The movie walked you into a town that wants to murder a little girl and was like, trust me, you're going to be on these guys side for a while and he was like, yeah, I'm on fucking court. Let's kill that little girl. I'll be clear what's happening. Yeah.

So she has that realization. She comes out of her doodly due, but who should come walking out of the fire? But Doug, who we now know is evil and part of the first born cults thing, which he referenced earlier when he made a point to say he was a first born for no reason. Fuck, did I give away our whole cult when I introduced myself? That's dumb. I don't know why I did that. Did I say just only I said first born and only child?

Yeah, that's weird. That is weird. That's on me. Okay. And I do live in a haunted mansion. Yeah. And he eats shirts. He shouts his exposition in her. And by the way, this is his backstory now because he's, we know he's part of the evil cult. He's like,

my wife died of cancer. And that's why I turned my entire village into a satanic cult. It was a weird couple of weeks, but I got them all onored. They voted for Trump in 2016. So it wasn't that hard. I got to tell you Trump to ball is pretty quick jump. But yeah, he's like, ah, your God killed your family. And she's like, God didn't kill my family. Atheism, African Cause all those atheists with their blood sacrifice. And then it starts hailing fire. Yeah. Well, she reminds them. Hey, do you remember the last plague was killing all the firstborns?

Isn't your whole cult based on firstborns? And he's like, there's a meteor right behind me, isn't he? And their meteor start raining down and kill all the cult members. Oh my God, this movie's so stupid. And even after you've explained it to me, I'm still a little confused. So stupid. So stupid. So yeah, what happens at the end here?

So the meteor, the meteor shower thing, that's like supposed to be part of the plague, that's supposed to be like the storm with the hail. No, no, that's the death of the firstborns Right, maybe they just combine they combine those just they're just Yeah, they're just together. Yeah, yeah, just combine them and then why does uh Why do they levitate here at the end? Oh, they levitated. I thought they just vanish. Yeah, remember he grabs her And he's like, ha ha God you can't kill me with a meteor. I have Hillary Swank and God's like, I can actually just make her fine

and kill you with a meteor. Boom. So they levitate for a second and she's fine. Oh, I miss that. I must have like sneezed. Thanks. Thanks. I got distracted by a skin book, I was reading.

Oh. I'm into skin books. So yeah, all the cult members get killed. And before this thing ends, we see Hillary driving away with demon girl, but we're not quite done because she turns to her and she says, everything's going to be okay. It's just the two of us now. And the little girls like, no, there's a baby in your tummy. And that's when she realizes when she had sex with Doug, she is going gonna give birth to the Satan baby.

But before that, before that, right after all of the people die from the meteors and then just vanish, do you guys remember there's like a pan below ground and like creepy music, they start to pan below ground and then it's like the editor just got lazy. And it's like, I'm just gonna cut here. I don't, there's nothing.

I do remember that, yes. Like it was like for no, it was the weirdest, it was my favorite weird part of the movie. They're like, dun, dun, dun, going down, dun, dun, dun, dun, and I'm running out of breath. God, man. So weird. There's nothing down there.

Great. She's filled with Satan babies and maybe the reaping is going to have a sequel. Right. That's obviously they're leaving it for a sequel, but we know that's never going to happen because this movie got 8% on run to me. It's sure fucking dead. All right. Last thing before we wrap it up, if you were God, what would your final plague

be on America? You like what's happening right now would be that's fair. That's fair. No, I don't know. Okay. Tough answer. 2020. The drop and pens and like, yeah, it's like pretty, you can just rattle off all the different

things. Yeah. Wouldn't really need to be God, would you? Nope. Eli, same answer. All right. That's going to do it for our review of the reaping, but the spook tagular continues. So Eli, what's on deck?

This is one we've had suggested literally for years now. I've been waiting to do it and I'm super excited. The exorcism of Emily Rose. Fantastic. And with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 269 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cara as always. And just in case anyone's new, where can they go to hear some more from you? You can probably just go to my website, caracanemrea.com. You'll find my podcast there and links to other things. You can go to Twitter, Instagram, all the good stuff and Patreon. I love skinbooks.com, redirects, straight to carcinamrea.com.

Snap it. It will now. All right, well, check out all those useful internet resources that we just mentioned. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawthl, and that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheists, Citation Needed, the Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematics, suggestions, you can email GodOffelMoviesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the Law Offices of P.A.N.J. Taurus. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slonic, if you will draft Sun Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with mission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week, for Cara San Maria and Eli Bosnick, I'm Heath N Wright, promising to work hard to earn

another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Clothes. Something something plague, locust, coronavirus, trump, stringer bell? Stringer bell indeed. The town of Satanic orphans with buzz cuts had an adorable Lord of the Fly scenario for a while. Hillary Swank's character had to drive all the way out of state and wait 24 hours to kill Satan's baby.

Oh, shit. Amy Coney Barrett got confirmed with the two 40 years. A plague on all our house. Amy Coney Barrett got confirmed with the expensive 40-year-old. A plague on all our house. 2020 all rights reserved.