God Awful Movies - 276: Christmas on the Square

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

This week, we make jokes about Dolly Parton and feel really bad about it later. --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

The Way when she comes out of the MRI machine does the doctor say welcome back Yeah, yeah, which is it which does he do that a lot after MRIs cuz that's fucking creepy That's very was he the doctor like when her baby got stolen is that what he meant like welcome back to the hospital? No, no idea just I couldn't help but notice you were doing some pretty serious doodly dudes in there Welcome back to this time. Do you think they show up on the scan because the demo rice kind of do you think the brains lighting up in the doodly-do region? Not awful Movie movie movie movie. Welcome back to God Awful Movies.

For each week, we're watching another terrible movie, so you don't have to. I'm your host T10Rite, and sitting in a cave of asbestos carved out of the foundation of his house is my good friend, Eli Bosnick, Eli. How's it going in the cave? I don't know. I'm fantastic. Katie. Don't do that.

No, no. Oh my God. Me heat. I found it. It's a musical, everybody. We're going to get to it. Is it? All right.

We'll get to it. Yeah. And since we're going to be tackling the woman who cured COVID this week, it's a musical with Dali Parton. It seems only fair that we bring on the man who created COVID. Michael Marshall, Marsh, welcome back. Thanks for having me back. What I like is, although like a quarter of a million people worldwide have died, that joke has not died. And I didn't realize that would have the staying power to outlive the vast majority of COVID patients.

So that's great news. No, no, did not. So, Mars, let's, let's spoil it. What, what the fuck did we just watch? What was it? Oh, man, we watched Dolly Parton's Christmas on the Square, which is the story of an annoying, mean-spirited, scrooge-like lady begrudgingly having a festive change of heart. It's a Christmas Karen.

It is. And Eli, how bad was this musical? Well, if you loved your high school musical, but you wished it was of the quality and sanctimony of the everything must go been at Halloween adventure, you will love this movie. Yeah, that's true. Dolly Parton mails it in at Christmas.

Yep. I gotta be honest, I enjoyed this movie at a few different moments. I got into it. I like Christmas stuff. I like Dolly Parton. She's very endearing. All right, but also it's horrible and it was a ridiculous experience. It's musical, but it's not, they don't know how to do music. So is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? There was so much to choose from, but I've got to say, best worst town meeting. You've got all the similar characters in this entire town who are going to be evicted by the mean lady and they're having the, how do we stop the mean lady evicting us meeting?

But that meeting consists exclusively of ways that they could torture and kill her. So violent. So stingy. of ways that they could torture and kill her. So violent. So sing gleefully about choking a lady to death. I'm not a good guy. That's not an exaggeration though. Like, most of them are like editorializing. They literally sing a song. A bunch of lyrics are choking this lady to death.

Other violent acts. Yes, that's absolutely accurate. The good guys singing about that. I was going to go with best, best kid getting hit in the face with a snowball. Awesome. Just so fucking finely. It's in the first scene. They're doing a big dance number.

I don't know where they start having they're like, Oh, and Christmas stuff and snowball fights. And they show us snowball fight happening. One kid throws a snowball in the Southern. Little kid gets hit in the face so badly and he yells. He's like, what the fuck? You hit me in the eye. Right in the eye. It scratched my fucking cornea and they keep almost what I said. Hey, Chris, mysteries and say something. And they just keep going. Chris, mysteries and snowball fights cuts to the musical. Oh, it's so weird though, because he does. He goes, oh my eye.

And it's like, either, he just said that, because he got really hurt, and they left it in. Absolutely got really hurt. All they put that bit in, either, and it's such a weird choice if they put that bit in. Yeah, it's even crazier if they added that. Yes. Yeah, I think that's a good thing.

I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I they put that bit in, all that and it's such a weird choice if they put that bit in. It's even crazier if they added that. Yes.

If they were like, hey, what if you go fuck my eye right in the middle of that song and they did that either way ridiculous. Can you do a good vomit from pain? No. All right. Well then you just say, ow my eye in the middle of our musical. And I wanted to go with best worst phenomenon to have to explain to Marsh. I mean, Dolly Parton. I have no idea how her. Yeah. Okay. How are we going to explain Dolly Parton to Marsh? It's tricky. If only he could relate to his country having a weird old lady who,

the country seems to admire or like or at least hold some kind of allegiance to but she doesn't really do anything and the deeper you look the less you should like her. So, probably. We'll never be able to communicate it. Is Queen Elizabeth loved? Is she generally, is that like a, is everybody big fan? I think she's broadly tolerated by a lot.

So you get that. One group of people who are absolutely lover and those are the people who are like super hardcore monarchists. Yes, yes, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, you know, let Queen and Country to like die kind of thing. And then you get the people, I think more of the people in the country who are like, it's weird that we have a royal family, but at least it's Liz because it's going to be Charles. And at that point, the monarchy's dead.

Right. Second, everybody had to take Charles seriously. Is the second everyone stops taking the monarchy seriously? Okay. Fair enough. All right. Well, I'm that. Oh, we're going to take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about Christmas on the square. Hi, I'm Eli Posnik. And I'm Heathenwright here to talk to you about this week's sponsor, Hello Tushy. What's Hello Tushy, you ask? It's a modern bidet attachment that attaches to your existing toilet.

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Don't you So we haven't even gotten the pages yet. Yeah, yeah, but I'm sure it's gonna be fine. It's Dali. She's got this. Yeah, yeah I guess you'll figure it out. Well, hello there. Yeah, holy shit. Oh my god. I'm calling. Are you okay? No? No? No need. No need. This is just how I look. How are you alive? No, we're two parts level one parts month. Oh, that's adorable. What? Don't put break ground in Mac putting. Ha, she's so sassy. Anyway, it's about the songs for Christmas on the square. What about them, sugar?

Yeah, right. We haven't got any. And like we start shooting the movie tomorrow, right? Oh, it is no brown sugar. I'm a discrismat. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Christmas, nothing, nothing. Christmas, all the love and Christmas through the years. Yeah, I mean, that actually sounds pretty good. Yeah, right. I mean, once the full thing is ready, I mean, that actually sounds pretty good. Yeah, right.

I mean, once the full thing is ready, I guess, yeah, it's the beginning of something. Are you talking about sugar? That was the full thing. Uh-huh. Christmas, something, something, ranger, something, something, something, Christmas. That's the final lyrics for a song in this musical. Oh, the model is on songs in the middle go. What?

Dolly, with all due respect, right? This is Netflix. And if you're going to put out a musical on Netflix, it needs to be at a certain level of acting. You all don't understand part of the movie. Sorry. Hey, you're not actually listened to one of my own, did you brush?

Chardonnish Spray Sins and cutesy half-rime, Dore and Bout Woman, driving through the night, and I'm mad. They don't know what I'm out. You can run it with a stupid computer. But my audience is in a two-year-end together or feel bad pointing in there.

Because I am Southern, a woman, and I might be this stupid. Say possum caddy want this. Is that what you said? Batham, caddy. Okay, well, I guess we'll see you on set tomorrow. We'll be fine. We will. So sassy. bang, we caught we will. So sassy. And we're back. And we're going to start off with about 45 minutes of credits with bad crayon drawings of a town square at fucking Christmas time. It's so long.

Yeah, not a great sign when you're opening credits and music feel like someone making fun of Thomas Kincaid. The whole credits, I initially thought, oh, this must be from like the 70s or so, because he's a dolly partner, she's been around a long time there, but then I had no idea, it did not realize that it was this year. Like in this opening credits, which was this kind of cartoon with the golden, weird font over it, This could have easily blended straight into the closing credits from cheers. And nobody would have backed it. And I'm like, can you win? Yeah. It makes this way through cheers, wings, out the other side of mash.

Okay. Now it's take on me the music. Okay. It was a ease at least. That's good. Yeah. And we're going to open on what Dali Parton thinks homeless is Gray for Yeah, she's so silly looking. I was like wow

Dali Parton is in cats and I'm excited She looks like a homeless leopard and is adorable all the time. I love her She's also sparkling was I hallucinating this she was sparkling like she had a side quest for us It was really. Spoiler, she might or might not have a reason to be sparkling. We'll get to it. Don't it, Parton, looks like if a real doll could starve to death. Yeah. So she's panhandling in this town square. There's like the gazebo. It's all Christmasy. I honestly thought they were going to like run into the Gilmore Girls universe. Like can handling in this town square. There's like the gazebo, it's all Christmassy. I honestly thought they were gonna like run

into the Gilmore Girls universe, like this felt definitely like that place in Connecticut. Yeah, same sound stage. And this movie's also gonna let us know the quality of music to expect right away. Mm. Yeah, I had to pause, like the first of these songs to steal myself,

cause I knew it was a musical, but verse into this song to steal myself, because I knew it was a musical, but I didn't really consider what that meant. And I literally had to pause and be like, you can do this. It's so violent. It just starts out with like slow, Christmassy thing. And all of a sudden, there's like a musical gang runs in and starts doing kicks and flips and everything. It's, it's very violent transition and kind of like an old Navy ad now. When the flipping backup dancer showed up, I was like, oh, shit, people are flipping around. This movie had flip money, y'all. Flip money. This is also very importantly where we meet this movie's Christmas dogs, which are

dogs dressed up like elves. And I thought great, now the rest of the review is just going to be heathed tearfully defending this movie. Okay, it was going to be that either way, but they were doorbell dogs. But this opening song, the lyrics are so painful. Like basically the lyrics are so obvious that they sort of double up as audio description for the visually impaired. So at least it's

Go as tiny for accessibility. It's like lady walk and pass the clothes stall picks up hats and tries them all It's just say what you see. Oh you have in you eye with a fucking snowball lady on the street Yep, that's where this happens real lyric from this song Coats and hats and such as that happens. Real lyric from this song, coats and hats and such as that. They might as well have just been like, Lulu, Lulu, you know, winner shit. Lulu, Lulu.

And of course, our villain is going to show up here and sing about how she has to get out of this town. Yeah. Christine Buransky. How did they get Christine? She's a real actor. Cible. Yeah. Christine Burantin. Or as you might know her, not Lily Tomlin. Yeah.

Fair enough. But yeah, she wants to get out of this town. And safe in the knowledge that this is gonna be a musical because that's not a legally protected term. It's time to find out Regina, that's Christina Burantzki's evil plot, which is that she's going to find out Regina, that's Christina Baranski's evil plot, which is that she's going to evict the entire town the night before Christmas.

Oh, this, this whole plot makes no sense. Like, you might wonder how she's got the power to evict the entire town, but it turns out she owns the relatively small soundstage that this town is. This coke commercial set they rented for a day. Yeah. Yeah, they have no idea how anything with land or selling or property or real estate works, but they're convinced that like she's going to make this entire town literally homeless at like midnight magically.

That seems to be the plot. Mm-hmm. We're also going to meet our protagonists here. I have them constantly in my notes as ugly couple, but they are pastor Christian, yes, pastor Christian, and his wife never gets a name. Oh, she doesn't. Does she? No. Adele and dosakis guy. Yeah. Yeah. A couple in the world. Yeah. I have them as Aladdin stepdad and Miss Piggy wish to be a real girl, but sure. Sure. But the realism of this ugly couple is really startling, right?

Like, you know how sometimes you see an ugly couple and they're ugly in different ways, but somehow it works together. That's these people. They made it into the movie. It's pretty great. And even like so we come to him in there in, well, where are they right now? Cause if this movie does your question fully understand set design because he's in very clearly his living room, there's a big tree in the background, there's curtains on the windows and things, she's in a children's cloth stall and they're in the same room. That is the same room they're in. I have no idea how that works.

And they're also talking about how they're getting in vitro fertilization or they're trying for a baby right now. So even if they were going for these people own a living room themed children's clothing store, having them sing about their own desire for children makes this scene and setting incredibly confusing. Yeah, a musical number about the fertility treatments you're getting, like that could be interesting. They just do it so badly.

And what were they drinking here? Was drinking. So this is their store, slash house living room where they have a onesie store. There's like one of those old timey glass things of milk or maybe like unpasterized eggnog or unpasturized bullshit. And it's just sitting there on the counter and they're talking about it, trying to have a baby. And I was like, maybe don't drink any of that. It's not just sitting on a counter. It's sitting on the counter in a

metal bucket. Why are they drinking milk or eggnog from a metal bucket? Is there something? There wasn't ice in the bucket. It was just a bucket. To be fair, the only thing grosser than eggnog is eggnog that's been sitting out in the warm air all day. But yeah, Christine Baranski comes in to tell them the plot of the movie and they have their weird awkward remedi where they're like, oh, Christine Baranski, we haven't seen you since your dad died. Your dad died. We liked your dad, but then he like, oh, Christine Buransky, we haven't seen you since your dad died, your dad died. We liked your dad, but then he died. Anyways, how are you?

Yeah, it's like, I haven't seen you since backstory. How do you backstories? This is also where we meet Christine's bumbling assistant and she's so awkward. But like she's beyond awkward. She's unfunctioningly awkward. She doesn't understand anything. She can't do anything. She can't even speak.

She says, Mary Christian passed a Christmas. And we didn't know his name was Christian at this point. So what is she just like saying words? Because he's a priestess. What is she looking for here? It was so strange. It's obvious this actress thought she was too pretty to be funny.

So she just agreed to switch around some words. That was as far as she would go Okay, so now we're gonna cut over to the sassy barber shop where the movies two gayest backup dancers were told to go nuts Oh, and you know what they did this was just gross The movie clearly was like what are Barbershops like? And they came up with the stereotypes of a black barbershop and the stereotypes of like, what a homophobic person thinks a salon would be.

And they just mashed it up together and there's a bigot musical mashup. It's horrible. The two dancers here, I think the way they're dancing technically qualifies as a hate crime. I think technically you can report them just for this. Absolutely correct.

Yeah, but this is where we meet the head of the barber shop. Christine Baranski's only friend in the world. Marjolene. Marjolene, yes. We're just throughout this film. We just pretend Marjolene is a name. And I was so frustrated by this. I paused and I checked on one of those baby names

sites to see how popular a certain name is. And apparently since 1980, there has been one person worldwide listed called Marjolene. And she was in Quebec. So that is, that is the name apparently we're going with Marjolene. And they Marjolene eyes to black woman, which is not great. Yes. That's phenomenal. So her, her only Margilline, tells her, you shouldn't shut the town down, but she's going to anyway, darn it. And as she does that, she looks in the window of one of the stores to let us know she has backstory. Trust us. She does. And the thing is Margilline, she doesn't just tell her that. It's important to point out. She sings it because obviously so much stuff has to be sung. And I get the feeling that they cast the actress who played Marjolene based on her

looks in the sense that they thought she'd looked like she'd have a soulful singing voice and so I didn't bother checking that. Now you look like you can sing. I don't know what it is about you, but you look so full and you look like you'd have a really soulful voice. Very possible. but you look so awful and you look like you'd have a really so awful voice. Very boss of it. Yeah, she looks through the window and she has a doodly do to making out with someone. What was this? I think I I hope it wasn't a doodly do. I hope she was just looking through the window like staring at a couple who were kissing like I really wanted to not be a memory. I just wanted to turn around and go like, ah, just see her staring at you. What the fuck, lady?

I just wanted to turn on and be like, ah, I just see you have to have a kid. The fuck, lady. Just like aggressively pull the curtain to. Oh. And then I'm sorry, I know this isn't related to the plot of the movie, but they finish the like, don't kick us out of our town. Yeah, that's fair. So everyone meets in the center of town to commiserate musically and to yell at Christine Baranski's car.

The doggy's getting a viction notice here. So I know he'd this back on board and criticizing this movie. And then for no discernible reason, right? They're like, Oh, don't kick us out of our houses. Please don't kick us out of our houses. And then for no discernible reason, everything grinds to a halt. And Dali Parton just sings, Chris miss on the square. She might as well sing Chris miss on the square is the name of the movie Nailed it.

I'll be in my trailer. It took so much effort to get there too. Like they had words that rhyme was square and then they forgot to end it on Christmas on the square. If going awkwardly and frowns, they're like, and then remember earlier, air square. Christmas something over there. Something over there. We'll go with that. And they're like, and then remember earlier, air square. Something up there, something over there. We'll go with it. It's fine. We'll go with that. And right at this point,

and I'm just in the fucking eye. Sorry. And it's fun. Just after she finishes saying Christmas on the square, she gets teleported out of the scene. And I thought, right, I think she just got being dubbed. And at this point, I developed the theory that she's from the enterprise and the reason she was only observing and not intervening was because of the prime directive. There is going to be more evidence coming your way. There is. We need to get her into a Star Trek

movie. That would be, yes. Star Trek, I don't know, what are we on? 13 now with Dali Parton, do it. Yes, I mean, I'm 100% in. All right, so meanwhile, back at the church, Pastor Christian, yes, that's what that character is named, is putting up signs that say, resist Regina. And they talk about how massive this sign is. And that first of all, it's not that

bigger sign. I have seen bigger signs, I've seen bigger signs on smaller buildings than that. But he says, it's such a big sign. I think she can see it from space. And I said, yes, I told you she's from Star Trek. This is my consent. Dollypun is a Star Trek. That's why she can see it from space. Also, these people are all about to be homeless. Maybe don't buy signs. I feel like you do. Even if it's a small sign. And they're talking in the craziest, most stilted way. It's like they used all the lyrics they couldn't quite make rhyme for the lines in the movie.

Damn, that we ended one with orange again. You know what? It'll just be part of the talkie parts. And this is where ugly couple get their love duet. But just just before that, I mean, not just is it they're not just talking stiltedly, he is absolutely slurring his speech. I didn't imagine that right. I'm pretty confident at this point he was having a stroke. I was like, check his face, check his arms, check whatever the tea stands for in FAS tea. This

probably just checking. He's doing really badly. I think this actor just sings and they were like, oh, you'll talk a little bit too. And he was like, I just sing mostly. So he talks, but at like 10% of human speed. And then he starts singing. And it's an entirely different voice. It's not even very jarring when he goes from one to the other. They needed to have him just sing. And then he starts singing and it's an entirely different voice.

It's not even very jarring when he goes from one to the other. They did, they needed to have him just sing or just talk, but clearly just sing or ideally neither. He's either not. You know what? I like Marshall's best. He's either dubbed or possessed. No, I think it's, it's like when you usually listen to podcasts like one and a half speed

and there's some of you really want to hear properly properly and you try to knock it down to normal speed, but you go too far. And it's like, oh, I'm listening to like seven tenths speed and this sounds really weird. And he's just that. Yeah. Also, he's a pastor. Should he be using fertility science against God to create a child? I don't think so.

These are the great questions. But yeah, this is their love duet. They were excreted by someone who learned everything they know about love from eighth I don't think so. These are the great questions. But yeah, this is their love, Duet. They were excreted by someone who learned everything they know about love from eighth grade poetry. He calls her his soft pillow. At this point in the movie, that was nice. She's a big girl for that to be a lyric in this movie.

It does come off a little rough. There's a couple of lines to this that are brutal. And he said, he says to her, what if I told you you're cute and she sings back, that's a lie, but nice try. Oh, fuck me, that's brutal. Wow, kind of me, yeah, I mean, she's like Thiccadel, not Thinadel,

but like good looking, good looking Thiccadel. I like Thiccadel too, kind of assholes about it. Yeah, but you wouldn't describe a Dell as a soft pillow to her face. Or you shouldn't. I don't know. Pro tip. You like memory fun?

And then at the end, this actor who I'm gonna go ahead and guess his gay, it barely holds it together, pretending he wants to kiss this woman. They have a kiss at the end of their love event. He's like, yummy. Love to kiss you. Yep, cut. Cut. So uncomfortable. Through every moment of semi physical intimacy throughout this entire film, it is, it is excruciating to watch. Did you guys not know where brother and sister,

you cast us as husband and wife? I didn't think. All right, we'll do it. I can't talk and I'm going to be kissing my sister. That's fine. I also had a mild obsession that I started developing at this point, which is just watching what everyone's doing in the background of the scene where they're trying to go around doing town stuff, but they're really bad, so they're really massively overactive. At this moment, you've got the mailman who's, they're all packaging, the whole town basically is packaging massive boxes of flyers into the mail van so they can go tell the whole town that there's a meeting and the whole town is definitely there. So is there anyone in this town who doesn't know what's happening? They're all currently in the square putting together the flyers to go and tell themselves. It's so strange. And and mailing them seems like the worst plan.

Yeah. So meanwhile, Regina's back at home looking out over who, Phil. They actually had an opportunity to do a great Grinch thing in like another minute. They show Christine Bransky and she's having like a face mask put on and it's all green and they could have done that like Grinch smiley thing with the thing. Nope, they totally missed it. But she's definitely the Grinch. I wanted also at this point, it made me think of Jessica Walters from arrested development who's a real blue.

I wanted so bad for a Jessica Walters character to be like even richer lady who evicts Christine Brands. Victor out of her mansion. Yeah. But yeah, the point of this scene is that she's missed a call from her doctor, which is movie for your dying. Yes. Yeah. And then we got Martin who comes to like a house call, like for a beauty appointment.

And it's like, Martin is doing house calls as well as running a busy salon. And I think that's because she's got to work all the hours, God sends her. So she can afford to pay her backing dances slash gay hymen. Yep. Absolutely. I don't know why you keep those guys around. And this is where she sings the like, you shouldn't sell the town and you're not going to have any friends if you do this song, which is like, I think it's supposed

to be sassy comedy, but none of it really works. One of the lyrics is, I'll tell you where to stick it if it isn't where I think it should go. And I just wrote my notes, what could this lyric be about besides anal sex? That's not a double entendre. It's just a tundra. You want to put milk in between my cookies? I don't understand.

Is this a Christmasy thing still? Also, the line leading into this song, the queue line is, you're going to die. Bam, bam, bam. That is busy work. Yeah. I mean, the title of the song is something like God's gonna murder you, right? That's what it was being sung. And also, I believe there was a whole movement to this song that was listened to your magic

black friend, right? Yeah. That's what she's doing. I believe there was a whole movement to this song that was listened to your magic black friend, right? Yeah. That's what she's doing. She's singing that and she is literally the magical black friend. She is the first of the magical black friends. We will meet a second magical black friend later in the in the marginally marginally nice.

This is also where we will learn that marginallyolene was the first female mayor of town. Lead with that. Lead with that on your resume. And then she went back to hairdresser. But she says, I, you know, I opened the first female own salon in this town. And I was the first female mayor. So you've got those the wrong way around. Leave it the mass thing. It's much more impressive. Right. But her whole plan here, Marjolene, is to like pretend she's doing Christine Bransky's hair, but then not do it at the end for spite, right? Yeah.

Just mess it back up right the last minutes. Right, but she doesn't do that really. Like, if that's your plan, you take a giant swipe with a buzzer down the middle of the head, right? And then like for the middle of the head, right? And then like for the rest of the movie, Christine Bransky has like a big gap or something. That was funny. I feel like they pitched that in Christine Bransky, said no. And beat the fuck out of somebody that tried to do it.

Well, there's also a line in here. And maybe this is a cultural thing. Maybe this is something that makes no sense to we naive brits. But she says, you know, there's a saying, you can't be too rich or too thin. Is that saying? Who says that?

Brits thin people. Oh, you, you know, you can definitely be too thin, but you absolutely can. That's the thing that old Jewish women say before they have a salad without dressing on it. It's a thing, trust me. Oh, is that okay? Okay. Yeah. Right. So now it's time for Regina. Now that she's had her sassy

magical black friend tell her what to do. It's time for her to meet with Carl, her ex-boyfriend that, okay, what the fuck is this store that he works at? This movie's impossible to describe. It's just a Christmas store. It's a store of Christmas bullshit. Yeah, I mean, when you first see it, it looks like the town's, you know, thriving old wooden toy store. We later find out the origin story of those toys and that just improves it. It's dark. It's dark.

Yeah, my first note is he just sells old country buffets, shit, like, reset. Yeah, okay. Yes. Thank you. It's like the gift shop at a cracker barrel, but just for Christmas bullshit. Yeah. So Christine Bransky explains this to him too. She's like, I'm evicting you, but I'm like buying your, you're getting paid off to

leap. You own a Christmas store. This is a great deal. If I give you a dollar. And then she act. This is my favorite line of the movie. She goes, look at your fucking store. It's full of broken dreams. And I was so happy.

Yeah, she says, this isn't a general store. And it's like, yeah, it isn't a general store. Like I'm pretty, this is just the strangest store I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure there's a mug-wife of sale in the corner of the room. It's a very specific store. Really stupid niche specific. It's niche very specific store, really stupid niche specific.

It's niche. The story, how do you make money here? Is that loose candy in jars? You can't be making money. And it is a very niche store because it turns out seemingly everything he sells in there is from dead kids because he's talking about, look at the, he sings a song and it's like, look at this tea set., the girl who gave, who I got this from, used to play with this with her dad, and then she took ill and her little bald head still sticks in my mind today, the little bald head is an amazing line for this song. Her dad's broken dreams. Okay, yeah. The implications of this are fucking nuts, right, which is that like, oh yeah, no, that little girl should have got cancer, she died, and then I was like, I'll give you four bucks for her tea set. And now it's here in my store.

And I'll sell it to a stranger for five. Yeah, after I tell the stranger where it came from and the tragic death of the previous owner, that's a creepy train. He goes to like a state sales like somebody owns a record store, but buying dead kids toys that's insane. So dead kids toys and also lamps from his former girlfriend's father just so he can find out more information on his former girlfriend. He kept buying things off her dad so he could keep in touch with what she was doing. And that is red flag behavior. That is absolutely red flag behavior. He's supposed to be a good guy. That's terrifying. Correct. No, I need this open box of tissues. So, do you ever leave any of your shoes here? That's stupid, stupid. Don't worry about it. And this is also where

he's like, come on, don't you remember the memories? And because Christine Baranski has to hint at her dark backstory, she goes, I have different memories than you. We're gonna explain in song the rest of that, or we just, no? No, okay. It's just, my memories are not the same as yours. Like, yeah, that's how memories work. That's how memories work. That's everybody.

Oh, weird. And then he just keeps, she leaves. She leaves. She leaves. And Carl keeps seeing himself for way too long. Yeah. And like he's definitely had that. She left me and fucked up my life song, Up His Leave for Years.

He's been doing that song to himself for years. I have just the lyrics for this moment. Yeah. So, with that weird solo done, Regina gets back into her car, which comedy is covered in flyers. Oh, and we hear this is, this is a really small moment, but it just shows you how badly made this film is. We hear the protesters who are protesting and resisting Regina and they're doing that. Hey, hey, Ho Ho, Regina's got to go chant, but they can't get that chant right because they go, Hey, hey, Ho Ho, Regina's

got to go. That is not how that chant works. That is not how you do a chant. It's amazing. Oh, well, that is far from the worst they do with trying to get syllables and rhyme and meter correctly. That was like one of their better jobs to be honest. And Dolly Parton shows up again to bother her some more. Yeah. She's like, Hey, you shouldn't live because she's taken all the posters off her car and she's like, Hey, you shouldn't litter. She specifically says it's not nice to litter the earth, which is a really weird way of phrasing that for anyone who isn't a star trek, but this is more than that. She is a star trek again. Again. Again. Regina's just like, you're a homeless leopard. Go the fuck away.

And this is where we find out why Marsh noticed that Dali Pardin was sparkling earlier. She was. She is magical somehow. She's magic. And she's going to, well, what she specifically says as the homeless lady who's been asking everyone for change is that I'm going to get changed out of you one way or the other, which is a really, really intimidating line to hear from a homeless person. You don't mean I mean, I must be looking at homeless for lots of different reasons. But if any one of them ever says to you, I'm going to get changed out of you one way or

another, you run. You just, you're at the beginning of an episode of inside number nine. And it's not going to work out well for you. Especially if you have changed inside of you because it's coming out. Yeah. But yeah, just as Christine Baranski is driving away, she almost runs over her doctor who's like, hey, we need to talk. Psst, psst.

You're dying. Psst, psst. It's a weird moment. Yeah, the doctor is played by Jane's Fun Prague dressed as her older Rivera. That's why I had it when I was a kid. Yeah. And it's a ridiculous moment.

The doctor is like, Regina, Regina, you have can't, or you do or don't have cancer, public square. I want to talk to you about cancer and you. Don't worry, I covered it up real good. But she's going to go get a test at the hospital and she'll talk to him later. And the only reason I point that out is afterwards. So she talks to Dali Parton who's like, I'm going to squeeze, change any of your butthole when she's like, go away old lady. And then the doctors like, you might or might not have

cancer. And then as she's driving away, Dali Parton's in her real view mirror giving her finger guns like, see, brain tumor, gotcha, Dali Parton. It's not intimidating. My point to the eyes, point to your eyes, I'm watching you kind of thing. And I'll be honest, I've clicked that. I've got that as a gift. That's going to be my gift reaction to nine things that have happened in my life and I want to. All right. Well, I think a magical, homeless leopard lady just gave somebody cancer for spite. So great times take a break.

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Glad to hear it. Now, uh, about that elf union. I was fine about. Okay. Oh, Regina, Regina, hey, Regina, what is it, doctor? I'm very busy. Yeah, I called your home, but nobody was there. So I'm going to tell you now, it's about your test results.

Mm-hmm. Dr. very busy. Spit it out. Oh, okay. I just think I, it's probably better if maybe we talk like, hello Regina. Oh, Dr. Smith, you remember my business partner, Dave Walnick? Oh, hi, Dave. He was just giving me my test results.

Dr. Those test results. Yeah, like I was saying, I think it's better. Maybe if we don't know. Oh, come now, sir. Me and Mr. Walnutck have business to do. Don't waste our time. Yes, we've got contracts to sign and leases to lean, man. Come on.

Really? Now, now. Okay. You did, in fact, get AIDS from that glory hole. Oh, I see. Yeah. Is that the one in the park bathroom or the one in the adult bookstore? Park.

Uh, yeah, that'll happen. And we're back. And evil rich lady Regina is back home looking at her town selling contract, which is like 5,000 pages. It's just communically long. Did they print the whole thing out like that? Yeah, they have no idea anything about how anything property works again. It's nonsense.

And we also have her assistant, her personal assistant. What's her name? Felicity? Felicity. Yeah. Felicity, her assistant is there. And Felicity is like, hey, maybe the giant mall can go somewhere else and she's like, fuck your face.

I'm still the evil character. Great. It's only act two, damn it. Act two. But for one thing, Felicity suggests they build a mall somewhere people don't live, which isn't really a good business plan to build a massive mall where there's nobody good with. But even then, like, she said, oh no, there's going to be a mall, the size of the town square. But we've seen the town square. It's not that bit, it's not mall sized.

It's like maybe very large supermarket big, but it's not that big, it's not mole sized. It's like maybe very large supermarket big, but it's not mole big. Yeah, there's no way to get it off. Also, just, it gets anybody even spot the, the mole was called cheetah mole, cheetah, cheetah mole, cheetah mole. I didn't get that. Oh, there's something later where I was like, oh, they just set this up. They called it Cheetah Mall just for this other rhyme that they do, but it wasn't Cheetah Mall, like, do eat Cheetah man. How?

That's, um, Martia smarter than me. Again, this movie grows on Heath every second. That's an excellent pun. That's very good. That's a very good play. Yeah, just watch it 30 times. You'll get Easter eggs like this. That's the thing about this.

Patreon goal. Heath will watch this it 30 times. You'll get Easter eggs like this. I think about this. Patreon, Goal Heath will watch this movie 30 times. It is one dollar above our current Patreon amount. So yeah, everyone just get that in there. And this is where Dalai is going to visit Christine Baransky as a full on the angel. Well, it's confusing because Dolly Parton just shows up in your house magically in Christine Bransky. Very reasonably as like hello homeless angel on her wedding day. What's happening?

I'm calling the cops. Yeah, she thinks she's kidnapping her. But like, do kidnappers often materialize in front of you in your house riding on a cloud? Because that's what happens. Looking at the door frame and Dolly Potton suddenly appears floating on a cloud. And that's not your average MO for a kidnapper, to my to my knowledge. When she sees her, she pushes a button on her desk and she's like, I've just called the

police. Yeah, but right, sorry. Was that button actually there and did Dolly change it within to magic? Or was it genuinely just a throat lozenge that Christine put a finger on and bluffed it as being the alarm? Yes, I love a ball, bluff. That is a ball, but you see a straight throat lozenge. Good question.

I feel like if in real life Dolly Parton visited me and I wanted to do a bluff about a throat lasage being a magical button I could and she would not know, but it's not clear here. But this is where Dolly Parton explains that Christine Bransky may have atheism cancer, right? She has atheism cancer and she, Dolly Parton, is her angel named angel there to help her. Oh my God. Yeah.

She starts singing. Christine Bransky's like, I just check in. Web MD does cancer cause musicals? No. So yeah, Dolly sings the, I'm an angel song. And this is also where we get the parable of the lamp lighter The Scottish the Scottish parable of the lamp light. It's one of those many Scottish parables You know Scotland really famous for its parables

It's not like a Welsh fable it's a Scottish What is it though because she sings a long ass song and far as I know, it's just a guy lights lamps. Yes. How is that a parable? So that's the best part. Dolly Parton is so stupid that she was like, once there was a lamp lighter, he lit lamps. He's still with me.

He's still with me. Yeah. This one took me like nine ones to get. No, I got it. Is there more song? That is pretty much the parable of the lamplighter. I had to look it up and I'll tell you what the payoff isn't a second, but I walked away from this scene

being like, is the parable of the lamplighter one time a Scottish guy had a job? Because that feels political. Okay, so a lamplighter lights the lamps, right? And eventually you could see where he'd been because that's where the lamps were lit. I should point out very importantly, that is where the song ends, okay?

Where the parable ends is there should be no better gold in life than for people to know where you've been than the light that you've shown while you were there. Oh, yeah. Okay, they did not include that in the song. But that's the opposite of how lamps work. Like if you light a candle or a lamp, they go out eventually. That's not how that, if he's a lighter, it clearly,

it goes, it's his job to go back. They fucked up the whole metaphor. So this was a poem by Robert W. Stevenson, I think. Yeah, I looked this up and that's the only thing I could find. Really? That's not a parable. That's a poem. Does not Stevenson, I think. Yeah, I looked this up and that's the only thing I could find. Really? That's not a parable. That's a poem.

Does not know the difference. Absolutely. As we will learn later on, she doesn't know the difference between a Bible and a birth certificate. So good point. Good point. The things. At least while she's telling us the parable, we do get to see an extra from Mary Poppins.

Chim chiming his way. It's pretty, pretty, like. Wanted him to fall to the ground, start foaming at the mouth. Nope, methodics, not a lamp later. Also, Dolly is floating on this cloud while she's singing. But obviously, you know, this is kind of a, one of those kind of green screen things going on. But it looks exactly like when parents buy those videos that photoshop their baby into a scene.

The next scene is going to be like Dolly Potton sledding down a hill with Santa. That's definitely the next scene. We're Morgan Fairchild and their tech vests from Old Navy. Everything brought me back to that constantly. Yeah, absolutely. So now we're going to cut back to the townspeople and they are recited to TV. We teased this earlier when we talked about how they were all going to have a big town meeting where they decided to be violent to her. That's this song. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a point where they talk about how the town, or it knows anything about us, it knows all of our fingers and toes,

which is a weird line to have about your town. It's creepy. And then you got the doctor saying this is the town where we got mumps, measles and rubella. And I said, oh great, this is a town full of anti-vaxxers and they're bragging about getting mumps and measles. Fantastic. Well, this doctor is one line away from talking about natural herd immunity, just one line away. It's a town of cast members during 2020 who filmed a fucking movie together.

That's for sure. Yeah, if you're wondering the quality of lyrics, the chorus of this is, she's the wicked witch of the middle. She steals our homes and vittles. Wait, it was vittles? Vittles. I thought it was fiddles. And I was like, they all had fiddles. Well, I thought she steals and fiddles,

is it in like sort of, you know, fiddles the books kind of thing. Oh, I had to put the subtitles on. And it was vittles. And what the fuck, I thought it was all hang on. So she's stealing and vittling. There's a two things she's doing. She steals and she vittles.

Also, she's the wick in which the middle. They just all agree on this. But I was like, what the fuck does that mean? The middle, why is she the middle? Why witch in the middle. They just all agree on this, but I was like, what the fuck does that mean? The middle, why is she the middle, why is she the middle of what? And we do find that out, but not for ages. It takes them like a half hour to come up with the answer, which is middle of the country, right? Yeah. They're in Kansas apparently. Yeah, there will literally be an entire other scene in between them singing that line for the first time and explaining that fucking line, right?

Because later on, they'll be like, well, there was the wicked weach of the East and there was the wicked witch of the West. She's the wicked witch of the middle. This is the best silly part and could do on her lunch break. Honestly, the only reason I put two and two together about them being in the middle of America is because I noticed on one of the cars number plates, it said Kansas, and I Googled to see exactly geographically where Kansas was and realized, oh, that's the exact middle of America that now makes sense.

I had to do that level of slew thing to decode this fucking lyric. Yeah. And this is who's best worst was this where everybody's crazy fucking yeah, this is Marsha's best worst. This whole song is just people inside of a church, the good guys being like in song, what if we murder this woman with an axe? What if we literally poison her to death a little girl gets up and it's like poison her and everybody's like, yeah, it's pretty good. Poison her. Okay, write it on the board. There's no bad answers. There's no bad ideas.

And I thought, is this, is this what happens in films just before the scene you normally cook to, which is the pitchfork mob with torches? This is what happens in every single one of those films. I frankenstein, it's there. They just cut it normally. All right. So now we cut out. So while they're planning her death, we cut over to Regina's car, where she is hallucinating, Dali, part and again, and Dali's telling her not to go to the town meeting. Yeah.

She said, Dali, saying leave those poor people alone to sing about choking you to death. Just leave those poor people to that. So this is where they explain the wicked witch of the middle thing. They sing a little bit more of the wicked witch of the middle thing. And at this point, my notes were just, hey, guys, is writing songs hard? This movie makes it seem like writing songs is super hard. Listen, Vittal, it's hard to come up with stuff that rhymes. We had, we wanted to use Vittal and middle, we worked it in. Shut up. But even when they find a simple rhyme, they can't connect it to the plot in even the most basic way, like they call her a hag.

And then they say, all she does is boast and brag. Two things we have not seen her do at any point in it. When we easy to just throw that into her character to make the rhyme work. No, no, but she, she shows up at the meeting anyways and tells them that it's time for this town to enter the 21st century, you know, like they can work at lids. She does show up and it's kind of like the worst version of that thing where you're talking about someone

and they're right behind you. It's that but for the entire town, she's in the room, isn't she? Yeah, and she explains to them again, that their town's fucking stooped, but everything's like a Christmas onesie store. That's ridiculous. We're obviously doing the mall thing. Oh, and this is where they explain the Cheetah Mall Cheetah Saul. The guy sings it in in a lear. Yeah. They hilariously make this pun obvious, but you're just using Cheetah Mall to Cheetah Mall. I think I said the same thing twice that could we go again.

Technique rhymes with A rhymes with A don't be an asshole. We're doing that again. The whole time though, every time they're singing in this church or any of the buildings, all I wanted was a wrecking ball to just smash wreck it. the mall. You'll never stop our bullshaw. Exactly. Snowball kid comes in and stands near the window. Okay, I'm feeling a lot smash. Oh, so yeah, now that the town is done arguing as well as Rudy Giuliani, she leaves and they sing the saddest dream a happy tri-song.

I've ever, this is fucking insane. Oh my god. Actual lyric from this tri-a tri-song. Try each day to try a little higher. And if you fail, get up and try again. I just wrote my notes. I'll kill myself on this fucking podcast. I'm fun-dwell. This is not an inspirational song. The song about trying a bit is not a deep inspirational song. No matter how many times you include lines like dreams are of no value if they're not equipped with wings. What? What? Secure yourself for climbing, try to be the first world of mountain. What? What do you do?

Why? No. Yeah. If a burgundy ribbon was a town, it's this town. It's so bad. They're singing about like defeating capitalism with their gumption and trying. And it's so fucking sad.

Meanwhile, all of them voted for pro business Republicans in Kansas. Sure. Fuck yourself. The next scene they all vote for Christine Baranski. Just trying their town. Also, this is maybe too niche, but if you're a theater person long enough, eventually you can invite it to a party at an older theater person's house, right? Someone who's done theater their whole life.

And that party inevitably turns into old people singing show tunes and it fucking sucks. I love those. That's what this movie is like. This movie is like three hours into your mom's aunt's best friend's party. Locked be a lady, do not stop it. Come on, man. I'm convinced now that's the origin story for this film. That's why it all feels so herestly put together. They just recorded that and went, yeah, I think we've got the script

guys. We'll just crack on with it. Also, because it's in a church, we see people in a church and they start like touching each other's hands and like standing really close to one other and singing loudly into each other's faces. And where is COVID-19 when you need it? Like that would have been the hero of this film if COVID-19 just swept through the town. Oh, yeah. So now we're back outside and Regina can't find her keys, darn it. So she's going to pull a heath end right and go get drunk at a bar. Okay, that's a reasonable, that's not just me,

a lot of, whatever, a lot of people get a nice buzz going before they drive home. And the thing is surely this pub should be closed because literally everybody in the town is currently at a meeting singing about how they want to kill you. And I initially had in my notes, who's even going to be there to run this pub? And I should not have asked that question. Great question. If you were thinking 10 year old child as the bartender and proprietor of this bar, you were correct. Yeah.

Sassy baby black girl, who is fucking fantastic in so many ways. She's great. Yes. The best way of which is that they obviously wrote for her to speak in, you know, like, uh, let's say an urban vernacular cover. That's not how this actress speaks. That's definitely not what it said in parentheses in the notes either. No, that's not what it said in the notes.

Dolly Parton managed to write blacker and they were like, okay, all right, because this little girl will be like, hey, welcome to our bar. I show Emma Diva. I did like it when she she led with that and then she was like, and by the way, fucking tip. She was like, and by the way, fucking tip. I was like, all right, I'm on your team. And this little girl proves right away that she's a legit bartender because she does the shittiest stingiest pour. I was like, yeah, that's a bartender. Lines the bottom of the glass

with some scotch and charges are $18. That's my girl. Wait, I thought that looked like quite a lot of whiskey to be having in a glass. That was like a tea salad. Pretty solid. Eli doesn't drink whiskey. And that is a very heavy handed seven year old right there. And also like I alluded to it early, but this kid is super cautious because she is the

youngest magical black lady in all of Christian cinema. She's on a fast track program. Yeah, she's like magical black lady like a seventh grade level. She's way a fast track program. Yeah, she's like magical black lady, like a seventh grade level. She's way ahead of herself. And they're gonna sing, she likes Christine Baranski. And Christine Baranski likes her because they're an old white lady and a small black child. And Lord knows those people get along. So they're gonna sing a life is not a fairy tale.

Do it. Yep. And can I just throw out there? You shouldn't have a fairy tales or stupid song if your movie has Dolly Parton as an angel named Angel. You got to pick a side of cynicism movie. Yeah, that is, it's a bit rich is what you can say about it. It's a little bit rich. And there's a loving line in the song as well where they say, you know, this isn't a tale for elves and fairies. And I thought, does Dolly Parton think fairy tales are tales for fairies?

But yeah, this is also where the little girls can reveal her tragic backstory, because she says like, oh, my dad always talks about the mean witch of the middle. And she's like, oh, yeah, why doesn't he like her? And she's like, well, she killed my mother. Stay with me, Dolly Parton movie. Her mother, so Christine Burantzky, shut down the drug store in town, which based on the businesses we saw so far was Christmas themed, which meant that when

she got a fever as a child, her mom had to drive far away to go get her medicine and crash the car and explicit line drowned. She just died in a car crash, she crashed her car and drowned. It's so much extra stuff. The song is like the problem of evil, the song, and it's very confusing for the theme, the movie. There's an angel. Yeah, it's very confusing for the theme, the movie, there's an angel. Yeah,

this kids backstory, therefore, is basically you killed my mum via a root goldbruck machine. You caught that mouse because you turned the crank and everything else happened after that. There was a there was a boo. She was going downhill and a story mouse caught. And then the little girl has this moment where she's like, you know, I don't blame the witch because if I had never had a fever and, okay, here's what's

supposed to happen. Christine Baranski is supposed to say, no, don't blame yourself. Yes. However, they couldn't get the rights to the sentence, don't blame yourself. So Christine Baranski is just like, no. No. No, bad magical black child, bad magical black child. There's also a bit as well where the kid points out, like, you know, my dad calls her the wicked as witch of the middle. Well, he doesn't say which with a W, but they're implying bitch, right? Yeah. And if so, wicked as bitch of the middle isn't even a reference to the Wizard of Oz.

It's just a misogynistic. It's a dream. One of the things as well, that has to be pointed out. She goes to pay for the drink and the kid says, no, my dad says the first drink for anyone is on the first visit to the bar is on the house. That's how you grow a business. And if that's the level of financial ecumen, this town has. There is no explanation needed for why she needs to fish them all out of the

fucking drink. Why she needs to be there to solve all the problems because everybody is an idiot when it comes to business. Money, we need lanterns in the bar. Maybe I don't know, magical lantern. Camera pans over to Heath, technically having left yet. Not peanuts. More. And then the little girl does side work for a second and it made me very happy.

She reveals the salt. Acres. It's like marrying catch ups and shit. Oh, so now we come back to Regina's house and she's remembering when her dad used to rub one out. Yeah. Okay. Remembering when her dad used to rub one out. Yeah, okay. So this sort of explains what I was just referring to

with the lanterns. We get a flashback to dad inventing a lantern or something like that. And he's the owner of the town originally before Christine Bransky. And he's got lamps going and lanterns going. And he's like, these lanterns are going to make this town's economy go crazy. They're, everybody's going to move here. And she's like, as a 10 year old girl in the flashback, she's like, that's fucking

stupid, man. Don't will me this town. I don't want that. It's going to be dumb. But he thought that town square would be booming with quote, businesses from every state. And instead he got a stereotype salon, the dead girl's toy store, and a bar run by a literal child, like this town was his failure first. For the next time. Exactly.

Yeah. But yeah, she's done flashing back about that lamp. So we cut to the next morning where Felicia is humming and filling the fridge because it's about to get real weird with her plotline folks. It's about real, real weird. In my notes, I've got a lululu putting way condiments and stuff, but condiments and stuff is my favorite stuff. Okay. So this is where Dali Parton appears to Felicia. And we learn that Felicia is not a personal assistant or possible lesbian lover because she lives there.

She is an angel. You thought she was fucking Christine Bransky for a while for the inter-hound, right? Yeah, but yeah. The point where Christine tells her to go away and instead of leaving Christine's house, she goes upstairs, presumably to her room. Yeah.

They were the very least cohabiting. It could be bad. But we learn, yeah, Felicity is an angel in training by Dali Parton. Yes. And we learn about the rulebook that they have. Yes. Which is interesting. I had so many questions here.

So like, okay, Felicity is an in to the training. So is, is she dead then? And if so, how did she die? And how long has she been Christine's assistant? Yes. Was she assistant when they drowned the bar girl's mum? And did you know, as an angel, want to try and step in there? And why is Felicity the angel in training called Felicity? When the angel is just called angel, will she have to change her name when she becomes an angel? Is that how that works? There's so many questions. Yeah, it feels like at least a medium long con here where they kill the girl's mom and

then she like endeers herself as this real human assistant who's actually an angel in training. At least that much had to happen. It's a weird plot. And we also learn one of the rules in the rule book here, which was strange rule number 14 subsection something something. The rule is you have to get the atheist human you're dealing with to change their heart and become a Christian or you get fired and you're not an angel. Seems where that's the fifth subsection of the 14th rule that I need to know the first

13 rules and four subsections. Exactly. What are they getting out of the 14th rule that I need to know the first 13 rules and four subsections. Exactly. What are they getting out of the way before they get to that? Yeah. Rule number one. How do you think? Whatever.

But they're going to sing the, you've got to learn how to be an angel duet, which is just everything Dolly Parton thinks normal activities are, which is fascinating, right? They do a little ballet and Tally Parton obviously thinks ballet is just spin in a circle, spin in a circle, spin in a circle. She puts her in a cookie jar at one point. The world through Dali Parton tinted glasses, ladies and gentlemen, that's this musical number. It is, but like, when we cut to the kind of the ballet scene and we have Dali Parton seemingly controlling Felicity's body, like against her will, she's got like a look of

panic in her eyes as she's making a spin and fair enough, the actress playing Felicity can dance here. But it seems creepy, first of all, that Dolly can just take full bodily control over her against her will. And then later she in prison, she's wearing a tiny glass box. And it's like Dolly has some really creepy angel powers that are not being addressed. And it's like an HR department in heaven, because there's definitely some weird line managers stuff going on here. Yeah, absolutely no question. She needs to get V2'd.

But yeah, with that established that she is an angel in training and that her mission is to change Christine Baranski's heart. And then her heart will change her mind. She's going to drive Christine Baransky to her medical tests for her foreshadowing cancer from earlier in the movie. Yeah. And Dolly appears to her and she says, oh, no, not again. Why won't you leave me alone? And I wrote my notes funny. That's what I say every time I get my gammon by every month. That's the first thing that trust on each other. funny. That's what I say every time I get my gammon by every month. That's the first thing I trust on each time. Come on. This was delightful. You're telling me you weren't charmed by Dolly Parton while you were watching this. I you didn't love this.

Absolutely was. And I feel really bad every time we say anything mean about Dolly because she is an international treasure. She's a global treasure. I have a question about Dolly Parton in this scene. They are talking and then Dolly Parton goes, ah man, now I want some fucking cake. And then she vanishes. Yeah. Does Dolly Parton's character get distracted by cake and vanish from the scene?

Yes. Okay. No, that Dolly Parton, that's Dolly Parton, the actress who got bored in that scene and left. No question. No question. Dolly Parton was like, board out the movie now, squip, get squab, but it, well it will put. And they were like, yeah, we'll just make

her angel disappear, I guess. Same thing happened to heath the podcaster. I was like, yeah, you know what? I have left over pie from pumpkin pie, the con pie. I'm getting some. I would like some pie, Dolly Parton. Yeah. Yeah. And this is where she's going to drive through her doodly dues, right? The assistant points out the window. She's like, so how is it being home? Fun. And Christine Burransky looks out the window and she's like, you see that tree? I got super hard under that tree. Super fucking hard. Difficulty walking hard. You hear me? Yeah, by the collector of dead girls things specifically by it.

But this is going to be her dark backstory. See, when she was a young lady, she went to the town's sock hop. Yeah. It's unclear what year this is supposed to be or how old they want Christine Bransky to be. Absolutely no idea. Absolutely no idea how well this is meant to be. It's confusing. She went to the this is her high school right? We flash back to her high school. She went to the high school from fame apparently in some year and everybody at the high school is approximately 40 years old and they're really good at dancing and she's at Christmas sock hop for her terrifying backstory that they're about to tell us.

And part of her terrifying backstory is how much of a controlling dick her dad was. So he didn't let me date boys. He didn't let me go to the dance. He did this. He did that. And it's like who'd have thought that a man could be so controlling in a bit of a dick when we've learned that this is a man who stands every night watching over the town and the people he owns from his mansion on the hill.

You could just thought he'd be a bit of a control freak. No, that guy didn't turn out to be awesome. But yeah, her backstory is she was dating useless store guy when he was young. Carl. And he saw Carl and she saw him give a girl a ring in the courtroom. So she ran away and fucked another dude without asking any questions in any way, shape or form. She fucked a very old DJ from Ibiza, who was at this high school dance, which was, yes, kind of disturbing.

He's so creepy. He's wearing like a really weirdly tight woolen shirt, sort of split almost to the navel. And he dances in the strangest way I've ever seen. This guy is a hundred percent evil clearly, just on the face. And he 100% pronounces it Ibiza and it's the worst. Yeah. Thank you for telling how much Tari Tho he buys. Yeah. But yeah, she got knocked up. Rando Tarezo guy guy put his chorizo in her and gave her a knocked up. And then her dad wouldn't let Carl see her because she was pregnant. And through way all the flowers he brought and all the letters he wrote, in made her disappear for nine months.

And then he stole her baby and gave it away. Yeah. And there's a lovely music you in here as well, where it's, it's like looking at life in the review mirror reveals your destiny. And I just wanted to cut to a DJ like you're listening to On the Knows FM, the home of all your favorite apropos musical hits. Yeah, her dad, the dad who we've spent the entire movie praising everybody's favorite guy stole his teen pregnant daughter's baby and gave it away. And we will continue to see him as a hero throughout the rest of this. He will still be the hero of this. Yeah, Dolly Parton appears here. She got her pie and she's like, now don't be too hard on your dad. Look at this doodly do. And it's the scene outside of the hospital room where

the dad stole the baby and he's like, man, this is hard on me too. And Christine Baranski's like, oh, hard on him too. Well, that's better. You're in a musical with Dolly Parton on the nose, I found. But yeah, that's her tragic backstory is that she got knocked up. She had the baby, her dad stole the baby and gave it away. And that's why she left town. Town Oh

Yep, and then we get the end of a song about finding the light they try to go back to the Lantern lighting the parable the sky is parable for a second. Yep in song Yeah, dolly's gonna sing to her that she's got to find her light her light What her light? What? Her light. Sorry. What am I finding? The light. Light. Got it. Okay.

Chris miss on the square. So great. Yeah. On the nose FM. Thanks, Dali. So yeah, sounds like they're going to try and find the light. Solid cliffhanger. Apparently that's the heartfelt for act three.

Will the plot of every 80s movie workout for the evil rich person? Will they find the life? Will God reconsider the ramifications of suburban sprawl and what that means for the economy and the environment? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the Solobically-changed conclusion of Christmas on the square Where am I Michael Marshall? Welcome to heaven. Oh my god, I'm dead. What happened to me?

Well, Eli made a website and... You know what? Yeah, I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Yeah, that's good idea. But that's not all. You've been chosen to be an angel in training. Oh, I mean, it's been awkward. You've been chosen to be an angel in training.

Oh, I mean, it's a bit awkward. Like, honestly, I did quite a bit of public work while I was alive, and I was hoping I'd just, you know, there's a rule book. Oh, okay, okay, fine. So rule one, no child cancer stuff, stop asking. No child cancer stuff, that's right. That's a big one. That's why we did it number one. Okay, rule two, no, we can't just give you the knowledge to be a full angel using

God magic, all sorts of basket. Yep, classic one, very important as well. Alright, so I mean, what will I do? Mostly, you'll be a personal assistant to a bad person in hopes that they'll become good. Okay. Is there any chance I could win Angel of the Year? Don't push it. Don't push it. Or I will send you where we sent Andy Wilson. Okay, okay, yeah, fine, fine.

America, we sent him to America. Hahaha. And we're back. And Christine Baranski is coming out of the MRI machine right now to find out if an angel did in fact give her cancer. Okay, but like she's changed her mind too, right? Like she's not going to sell the town now that she knows that when her dad stole her baby, he didn't enjoy it.

Is that? How does that change your mind? There's no way she hasn't changed a mind to this point. Also, by the way, when she comes out of the MRI machine, does the doctor say welcome back? Yeah, yeah, which is it? Which does he do that a lot after MRIs? Cause that's fucking creepy.

That's very, was he the doctor like when her baby got stolen? Is that what he meant? Like welcome back to the hospital? No, no idea. Just I couldn't help but notice you were doing some pretty serious doodly do's in there. Welcome back to this time. Do you think they show up on the scan?

Because it's a demo or ice kind of. Do you think the brain's lighting up in the doodly do region? Holy shit, it's just blank for a little while. That's crazy. Were you in a do a belly part. I was. And as she walks out of the hospital, this is how clumsily plotted this movie is, as she's

walking out of the hospital into that same entrance is magical little black girl who is all hurt from a car crash. Her and her dad got it. Yeah, because this is the scrooge crash her and her dad got it. Yeah, right there. Because this is the scrooge bit where she's changed her mind. I want to be like, you the young girl who's been in a car crash. What day is this? Oh my God.

Right. But it's just supposed to be this like so tragic thing. How could this possibly happen? So the dad's like explaining it to Christy Bransky for no reason. We're delivering flowers to her mother's grave. We had just fed all of the homeless and we cure to AIDS. And how could this possibly happen? It's the problem of evil. It's the problem of evil. And I want him to carry on to be like, we've delivered flowers to him with this grave. And her mother wouldn't be dead if you didn't close the drugstore. So this car crash is also

your fault. I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Do you have a weird angel who's doing weird spiteful stuff to you? You have to tell us because it feels like now we're involved in your thing and that's kind of fucked up. She's 10. Oh, and it's great because she says to him like, oh, she's strong, she'll pull through. And he's like, how could you possibly know that? He's like, shut the fuck up. So yeah, that's that is fair. That is fair. She's a bartender. She's tough. Okay. He's fine. I saw a glass of a guy once who didn't want to leave the men. Oh, oh, also the salon, the entire salon arrive, the two gay dancers, the black friend, and they say, oh, Andy had to drive like a maniac

to get here because of the traffic. It's like, he didn't have to do that because there's literally no reason for him to be there. He chose to do that to there to Rubenech a child entering hospital. Don't worry, everyone. The sassy guy who works at the salon is here. It's all going to be okay. But she tells her assistant to get her the top pediatric neurosurgeon in the country and fly her to a hospital in the middle of Kansas to work on that girl's brain damage.

Dammit. Yep. And then Dali Parton shows back up for a second to talk with Regina. And she's like, hey, Angel, maybe you want to not have little girls getting car crashes as part of the thing with me because I feel like now I'm involved in it. And the part is like phase one, complete. I really wanted to be like, no, I just do middle age lady consciences. I can get you the little girl car crashes guy and just some like, but drag old bags under

his eyes. Angel shows up and he's like, fuck, I hate my job. What? Oh God, another one. There's so many. So many little girl, girl crashes. Trying to get a spot in the HR department. This is a really weird job. Oh, this is such a weird moment as well because, you know, Regina's told Felicity, her assistant, he was also an angel to phone and get that surgeon. And they play the, oh, Felicity, her assistant, who lost an angel, to phone and get that surgeon. And they play the, oh, Felicity's talking to Dali Pantan. Oh, she forgot to call the new raw surgeon. She has to be reminded because she's so ditsy. And that's a really weird comedy beat

when you have a dying seven-year-old, but basically still right there. She's standing at the child's grave. Ain't I a stinker? So now we're going to cut over to dad. And by this, I mean, the dad of magical black child. And he's going to give us possibly the least appropriate song in the movie. A smooth sexual R&B themed, please don't die of head trauma song. Right. I mean, at least he can sing. Like, other than Dolly Parton, he's the only person in this who has any Are and be themed please don't die of head trauma song right? I mean at least he can sing like other than Dolly Potton He's the only person in this who has anywhere near approaching a good singing voice So I was just happy for the relief. He can sing absolutely

But the song is fucking insane. It starts with like Hey, I know you're in a coma now. So like if you want to die and hang out with mom who's also dead, that'd be cool. I would get it. And at this point, I'm just like, please flat line credits, flat line credits, greatest ending to movie ever. No. He says if you're going to die, you're going to die. And I was like, fuck.

Oh, that would be genius. No. Donald Trump sitting next to him is like, whoa, buddy, that's a little bit much. A little bit much guy. He also said, I always had a father's knowing that I'd be first to go. And it's like, dad's often get pleasure from thinking about dying before their kids.

Is that a big thing? You're like, I can't wait to die before you. That's gonna be brilliant. I mean, I can verify that it depends on where the child is in their sleep training. They're not making it through the night yet. That is a very comforting thought. Also, the thing is, bear in mind, this kid has been hit by a car and rushed in.

And so, oh, that could be really bad. But it turns out, I don't think she's not that bad. She, I don't think she needs a surgeon. She's not in, like, she's not prep for surgery. She's not in, like, the emergency ward. She's just in a normal, a normal hospital room. She doesn't have a monitor on and her IV is clearly not connected to anything because you can see the end of it.

So she's just bandaged a bit. Oh, no, that was just the Caprice son that she liked to hang. Right. And this is also where Dr. S. Machino walks in. She says, hello, I'm Dr. Martinez. I've been flown in from Kensington, and I wrote into my notes where all the best

doctors are Kensington, Kansas. Yeah, so hi, here's my job title and the method by which I arrived at the hospital. Say, this is a normal thing for the doctor. And the surgeon is not even in a rush. She's been flown in. She's not scrubbed up. I'm calling it out. This kid is faking it. Yeah, I's been flown in. She's not scrubbed up. I'm calling it out.

This kid is faking it. Yeah, I've seen. I know this kid is faking it. She walks. This girl. Rigger. So now Regina's back in the car and, damn it, if she doesn't want to go back and see her love interest.

And I know they're doing this because they need to wrap up the carol, Regina love story thing. But because of the way they've ordered the scenes in the movie, it seems like, you know, watching that little black girl almost die made me think about my ex-boyfriend. I should go talk this out with it. It happens. That is the order of things that I thought just now. I have a different theory, which is she's going to see Carl because she's got some newly dead kids toys to sell to him. There's been no hospitalized business.

That's what it is. She's got the hot tip. She's got the hot tip. She's like Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl. You know the little bartender girl? I, you know, I've got a good lead for you. Get there and start talking to the dad about pricing now because 50, 50, she's dying. Yeah. You don't want to get swooped by the fucking salvation army.

So like Felicity is having an argument with Dolly Parton about taking it to C. Carl and she's like Dolly's like no, don't do that. And she's trying to start a cop blocker and stuff. Yeah. And then Felicity's saying no, I'm going to bring this plane in for a landing. And like she's talking about his dick there, right? Like 100%. Absolutely. She's talking about Carl's dick. No question.

Could only be about his dick. We actually learn rule number 17 is, no letting your human fucker ice cold boy. Yeah. Yeah, that's better about how it most dead girls involved with her angel of spite. Yeah. And it's great that Felicity says that out loud because then Virginia hears it. And she's like, oh, no, I just don't take the short cut through Blaine's landing. And I just wanted to carry on saying things and then conveniently covering them up. Like,

Oh, no, I said he's going to book your trains out. That's what he's working out. So now, yeah, now we're back at the general store and Carl doesn't want to talk because he's busy packing up his open jelly beans and dead cancer kid memories. Yeah, and he's got, he's got to get out of there tonight because she said Christmas Eve is the deadline. It's already nighttime. He is midway through packing his first box. He's got one box like he's not going to manage this wrecking ball. Yeah.

No. But yeah, she's like, Tom, I want to explain and he's like, damn it. No, there's still 30 minutes left in the movie. So she just buys her dad's lantern from him. No, she doesn't buy it. He gives it to her for free. Like do all the businesses in this town. Just get shit away for free.

This is why they need to sell off all the parks and sell everything to make a mole. You are all idiots. This is, this is how her dad ended up owning the town. He just walked into each place and was like, I own this town and they were like, sure. Yeah. I'm 100% on team Christine Bransky for this whole movie. Like she is correctly doing the economy and they're all stupid. Yeah, also extra extra on her team because in this moment, she apologizes to Carl because she left town because her stupid fucking Christian town, including him, all that she was a whore because she got pregnant. Yes.

She apologizes for that. Yeah. Sorry about all the pregnant I got. Yeah. And just think as well about what Carl's life has been, because we know that she left fine. Yeah, he was upset. In 40 years, apparently, he's not met anybody. He's just got a shop where he collects more and more dead kids things and occasionally

goes to his ex-girlfriend's house to spy on her via her dad. That's been his life the last 40 years. And we want them to get back together. Feels like they're not going to have a lot to talk about. But anyways, after that, that disappointing conversation, she's back home and Angelin training wants to know if she got some. Yeah. Yeah. And Regina tells her, he gave me my father's lantern. And she's like, great. But to be fair, Felicity is thinking the sex act, the father's lantern. If you look it up, it's on our prediction. Yeah, and this is where we get the quote of the movie, which is that grief is love with nowhere to go. And I just wrote my notes, what a stupid fucking quote. I mean, it made me cry? Yes, but it's 2020.

The other day I cried for 15 minutes because I remember that Iron Man was dead. Why would it be bad if love doesn't move? Wouldn't she want love to stand still sometimes? It doesn't let just make sense. Love stop pacing. So we're gonna wing around the fucking town now. Preacher's wife is sad that she doesn't have a baby. Like the way she's handling the baby clothes to pack them up and we touched in this early.

They've got this baby clothes shop, but the way she's handling them while pining so hard for a baby makes the 100% certain that her plan in all playing this store was to lure a baby in and kidnap it. That's why they've got this stuff. That's what they meant by fertility treatment. Or find babies that just died and then buy their used onesies, just like that said baby toy store next door. The foundation of this town's economy has dead children, dead and gay men.

Very much. That's why her dad gave it away. We do get the good news that violence improving, which is encouraging, because it's been like an hour since she was taken at the hospital and she's already improving. So I think she's going to pull through guys. Yeah. Yeah.

And Pastor Guy, Adele's husband is very excited. He's like, oh, the little girl who got into a horrible car accident is not dead. God is love. I'm going to use this in my Christmas Eve sermon. Oh, and this does an amazing bit whether with the pastor's wife and she's talking about how she's going to get pregnant. And I wrote my notes, look, we know Dolly can shrink really small because we saw her do that in the car for the meeting. I think she's going to shrink down and like personally hand deliver a sperm to the egg. Okay. That almost happens. Yes. Basically, what happens? 45 seconds after both Martian, I wrote Dolly Parton's going to knock this lady up jokes

in our notes. Dolly Parton wiggles her fingers and sends Angel Magic at her tummy, which is absolutely how Dolly Parton thinks babies are made. Yeah, yeah. She uses her Star Trek teleporting pals to teleport come into the past. She tries what she's doing. Also, I just want to say if this movie were accurate, Pastor's wife would immediately start vomiting from morning sickness. That's how we'd know it,

Tucker. Oh, man, if you could beam up sperm, that's interesting. Do they ever explore that and Star Trek at all? I don't think they ever went that blue to be honest. I don't know what you call about this. Yeah honest. I got to ask Cali about this. Yeah, I was going to say we got to check in with Cali if there are any calm related episodes of enterprise. So meanwhile, back at her house, Regina is looking at her contracts and coincidentally stroking her father's lamp.

She's looking at the old painting of her dad on the mantle. And she's just like, well, I guess, I guess I was 100% right about lanterns, not spurring the economy here. I'm still going to sell the town. You're an idiot. But yeah, she's, she's stroking the lamp and wouldn't you know it? She strokes the lamp in such a way that it's secret lamp compartment filled with the end of the movie opens. There's literally a Bible inside right? This is where the Bible falls out of the secret Bible slot inside the lantern. It's their family Bible and I wrote my notes. I was like the fuck's a family Bible.

Dolly luckily sings an explanation right away, but it's a- It's a real thing. People write like their entire family history in the front of the Bible. So I'm like, all right, let's see how the universe was made. Wait, wait, wait, wait, before I start. Okay, my dad was named Nick. I'm Steve, a daughter's named Stephanie.

Okay, good, good, good, Tyler. All right, in the beginning- Wait, hold on, I got another one. My daughter Regina Fuller had a baby boy and he was put up for adoption. And when I found out it was a baby boy, I really badly wanted to be the gay back in Donner. I thought, let's just let's just read it around. At least also weird to write about your daughter's baby in the passive voice like that,

especially when you stole the kid. That was you who did that. Yeah, but we still treat him like he's like, yeah, he kept a book with the name of a child. He's still written in it, but he's a good guy. But you know, she's thinking, ah, what a lovely fella. It's been 40 years without my son, which is less than I deal all told, but wasn't that a good guy. But he did have a secret book in the bottom of this lamp. I'm gonna say square seas. Square seas. Square seas.

So now we're gonna cut over to the town church where Marjorine is explaining how mysterious God's weights are. Yeah. And this is like midnight mass, right? This is like Christmas Eve midnight mass they're supposed to be doing here. Yeah. Yeah. I was just dying for like a wrecking ball exactly at Midnight

to fuck up their thing now. But they all have to leave their businesses on Christmas Eve. Like, have they not got better things to do than being church right now? Like, they should be, I think God would give them a pass when they were being evicted at this very moment. Oh, they could get into like a dance fight with the like musical demolition

crew after the wrecking podcast. There's some great lines from the pastor's wife. She says, well, I think it's a pastor actually says, Faith opens a door and miracles can enter. And I wanted his wife to be like, yeah, anyway, speaking of being entered by miracles, you'll never guess what Angel Bonaparte and shot into me. You'll never guess what I did with my father's lantern. If you know what I mean. And then like two lines later, the pastor says, miracles come in all sorts of ways. And I want to be like, yeah, anyways, speaking of miracle come, can I just tell you about the change? Do you know what Scotty can do? I was Christine Baransky also runs into her doctor here and he's like, you don't have a brain tumor.

That was really a pointless part of this movie now that I think about it. The fact that that was just a false alarm on your X-ray, we were supposed to worry about the villain for a second. We needed you in an MRI machine. I have no idea why we did any of that. Anyways, you know, Christmas. Yep. And then they all sing a song more, more like we're not trying hard enough as a song.

Yeah. And the song is like, we haven't been praying hard enough to song. And that's so sad. That's religion in a nutshell. That's like, if you really believe it, you must constantly be thinking yourself, like, fuck, still not hard enough with the prey. Because this never works. Yeah. But this is where Christine Baranski comes in and she's wearing all white now because she's had a change apart and she's like, hello, everybody. I'm sorry about selling the town out from under you, but there's only about 11 minutes left in the movie. Five, if you count credits. So I'm not going to sell the town. And this is my dad's family

Bible and the way I've decided to reveal my tragic backstory, which involves teen pregnancy and a stolen child is here at Christmas Eve Mass. Yes. Really wanted like a fucking montage of her ex gesturing the fucking that she got in the broom closet of the sock up. But the thing is when she does it entrance and say all of that, we do at one point cook to the mailman and he is still shaking his head like, I mean, still, fuck her, right? Like fuck her, fuck her. He's still up for killing it.

There's 100% he's still got that, he's like, we're all down for this still, yeah. Yeah. But of course, the big reveal here is, so then the pastor gets up, right? And he's like, hey everybody, Violet woke up and there's cheering and I just wrote in my notes, wait, he waited for everyone to sit down so that he could

get that moment in his speech. And it's like everyone's going to be massively relieved because she's been out of it like all afternoon or so. Like she's been unconscious for about half an hour at this point. So it was close. And then he does it gets better. He literally says it gets better than the little girl who was in a car crash earlier tonight didn't die.

I'm the baby that got put up for adoption. Yeah. It gets better. I've got some white people news as well. Oh, so yeah, that's it. He's like, yeah, I'm her son. And Regina's like, yep, that's, that's the end of the movie. And then Dolly appears to sing about how great the movie was. Oh, and she's got the giant angel wings and she's like hovering up behind it. She was looking good. She was looking real good here, I thought.

So they all sing a celebratory, the movie is over song. Christine sings a little bit here. She sings and I'm sorry I was such a bitch verse. Yeah, her verse is, I've shattered your dreams and that I regret from this moment on. I'll give it my best. Which is just so ring. That is so ring and inspiration also. Also, like she keeps making a big,

I think she gives, I think either the pastor, she gives her her father's lamp, they keep going on about lamps and stuff. And I thought this movie makes a really big deal out of street lighting. Is that not something that everywhere has in America? Is that like a weird thing for some place? Cancels?

I don't know, badly enough. Badly infrastructure. They don't have shit in Kansas. Yeah. No, we barely have roads at this point. It's been a rough four years. I picture Kansas. It's the wizard of us. Like I pick Kansas's looks like that to me. I'm sure it's the same. And the thing is as well that the pastor looks intensely uncomfortable again. He's close to his wife. He looks intensely uncomfortable with a physical contact with his wife.

And I'm 90 cents certain. That's why it took Dolly Parton to knock her up. That is the real issue they could have in. Yep. And who should show up to their celebratory song, but Vile it because they often let little girls out of the hospital the day they wake up. Yeah. She was only hit by the car this afternoon. It was dark when she was brought in the hospital.

I really wanted them to be like, anyway, could the bar is not going to open itself. So, off you go. Some guys just immediately start shaking an empty bowl of peanuts at her. Fuck, man, I got to get this one second. He's ordered one Sam Adams all night. It's 506. I need to get the manager card to clock. It won't even. Oh, no, there's a bachelor at party bachelor at party. Fuck. So yeah, that's the movie. Oh, one last thing right before the very end, just so that we know Christine and Carl are going to end up together. He goes, I believe you owe me a dance. And I really wanted to be like, and some pussy if your story is accurate.

So right at the very, very end, like Dolly appears on top of the church alongside Felicity and does the kind of like, oh, you got your winged kind of now. And then she directly addresses us in a way that's why me so much for a moment. I thought my webcam had been hacked and she was speaking directly to me. I was really terrified for the panic for a moment. I was hoping she was just going to be like, yeah, good job, Fliessy, but you will need another week of training where you follow me on the shift. These two. Yeah. Well, in summation of that movie musical, TLDR, I guess TLW. Also good subtitle for this podcast in general. So to close it out, you guys want to give us a quick review of this musical five words or less go.

Dolly Parton can't read good. Well done. I'm going to say again, I think I peaked with a Christmas Karen. Less than five. Good job. Good job. Brevity. Key to good communication. Not something this movie knows about. Well, that does it for a review of Christmas on the square, but that's not going

to do it for the episode just yet because the Christmas,acular continues. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, he will be continuing our Christmas,acular with another chip, resetty flick. God, damn it. Oh, really? Are we really? Oh, really? Oh, really?

Gramps goes to college. Yes, this one's called Motherfuck. The borrowed Christmas. Gramps goes to Christmas. Get excited. I will not get I quit the show. Chimp was it's unwatchable. It's so rough. God damn it. All right. Well, with that to look forward to we're going to bring episode 276 to a merciful close. That was the final episode of game, everybody. Two, six, as always, big thanks to Marsh for joining us. Marsh, would you like to plug anything in particular?

Yeah, you can hear my fortnightly skeptical analysis show, Skeptics with a K, Jack Hall Halls. Fortnightly. Fortnightly, no. Nancy would have described that nice. We're British. We drop a fortnight now. Okay, what does biweekly mean? It means both those things. It means twice a that nice. We're British. We we drop a four night night night night night night. Okay. What does biweekly mean? It means both those things. It means twice a week and every of the week.

Fucking word. Yeah. Fortnite leave now on. Good job. Or it's a week that wants the attention. Okay. No, I'm with you. I got it.

Thank you. So yeah, you can check that out. Or you can check out the work we're doing at the skeptic, a skeptic to all UK, which is kind of far the UK skeptic magazine. I'm really happy about some of the stuff I've been publishing and Noah put a piece up recently for us all about how religion ruined Trump's response to COVID in America. So it's a perfectly good pandemic as the subtitling book recently suggested. Yes. All right. Well, of course, big thanks to all our Patreon donors as well for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God Awful. And I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows,

the Skating Atheists, Citation Needed, The Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off from movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Android Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slonic,

a people drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and all that was used with permission. Next again, forgiving us to chunk your life this week. For Michael Marshall and Eli Bosnick, I'm Ethan Wright, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close.

Right, this is Cloth. Animal House Close. Nine months later, the pastor's wife gave birth to a pale blonde baby, and split from the pastor after a paternity test, revealed it was Dolly Parton's kid all along. Dolly Parton got demoted from being an angel for breaking rule number 72 subsection J. No putting little girls in a coma to teach someone else a lesson. Everyone in town died of coke. Yeah.

They're in Kansas. Dally Parton cured COVID. Sure. Still go fuck yourself. Yeah, they're in Kansas. Dolly Parton cured COVID. She sure did. Still, go fuck yourself. I think I got so much dirtier the way you said it. But proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved. you said it.