God Awful Movies - 277: The Borrowed Christmas

Episode Date: December 8, 2020

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of "The Borrowed Christmas", the story of a wealthy Christian dude renting children from an orphanage. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Look, a lot of shitty Christmas movies. There hasn't been a happy Christmas since his parents died, but only Chippers that he could write the line, have father was killed immediately by his mother Lingardon as a vegetable for years. You know, just that husk of a human being really lets you know there is no soul in just a brain inside a machine. of a human being really lets you know there is no soul and just a brain inside of the dream. Anyways let's get back to planning this fucking Christmas so weird right? OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII He says my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? I'm fantastic Noah. I would like to buy a people Well, we have a lot of advice on how that's done coming right up

It's what we call four shadowing folks okay, and but also joining us is returning guest massacres and host of talk nerdy carousine Maria caro. Welcome back. I hate you guys so much I bet oh I bet this was a rough way well first of all host of talk nerdy carousen number yet caro welcome back i hate you guys so much that i bet oh i bet this was a rough with what first of all apologies for leaving you alone with heathen elite i don't know what the fuck happened but i know i li it ended with elite explaining why he used company funds to redirects skinbook dot com your personal website so i'm guessing I owe you at least one apology for this. Yeah, yeah, just one.

Sure, just one. Like I said, minimum, minimum, I have more. I brought it up for the whole class, but moving on from that for a moment, tell us, Carol, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, so the movie is called The Barrowed Christmas. It's what I'd hope to be just a subpar Jesus' E Christmas movie,

but it turned out to be the literal worst thing you guys have made me watch so far. Where do you find this shit? Like who is doing this deep research to find these god awful movies? Oh, two words on this one. Chip Rose Zetti. Oh, look, cause like, yeah, in terms of the message, it's certainly not the worst thing

we've made you sit through, but in terms of its entertainment value, oh, yeah. Chip brought out the big guns for this one. Yeah, I know, I was getting a little ahead of my question here. Eli, tell us, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the moralizing and cuteness of normal Christmas movies, but it lacks the unaware horror of bringing a prostitute to your sister's wedding, you love this movie. Oh, it was so weird.

So, okay, so here's the thing about this movie. We spent 90 minutes watching a bunch of actors pretend to pretend to have a boring Christmas. Right? So, if you strip away all the layers of meta, we watched a bunch of strangers have a boring Christmas. Have a boring pathetic Christmas. Wow. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate?

This one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, I've got one. This is the best worst video with the 0% rating on red tube. Oh nice. It got the coveted zero, huh? The only review on IMDB was titled, did I just watch the worst movie ever made? And I'm like, I think you might have an I'm a bit of an expert. worst movie ever made and I'm like, I think you might have an I'm a bit of an expert. All right. So I'm going to go with best worst repeated title corrections. Like very clearly this movie is supposed to be the rented Christmas, but like they couldn't get that website or anything. So they have all the like constantly they have these characters shoe warning and no no at the barrow and Christmas is the title drop

Barrow to Christmas barrow snakes are on the plane And I was gonna go with best worst horror movie that doesn't realize it's a horror movie right act four of this movie is fucked Okay, spoiler alert. But don't worry, nothing else happens in the movie. This movie is about a man who is rich in heavy quotation marks who decides he's going to rent a family for Christmas. And at some point during that Christmas, he realizes that he's going to keep these human beings. Now again, if at some point he had hacked his way through a door with an X, I get where this movie is going. But that's the thing Eli.

It's like it was like teetering on this really weird precipice between horror and porno the entire time. It was so strange to watch it had all the trappings of a bad porno the entire time. It was so strange to watch. It had all the trappings of a bad porno, like really bad audio, like half the scenes were out of focus. None of the actors were actually actors. And every minute I was like, okay, is she gonna take her pants off?

Yeah, right, right, because like we should point out that most of the people that he hired Kidnap whatever he asked them to call him daddy too. So yeah, this definitely has some porno Trappings. Yeah, and what's great is it's that thing and we've all been in this situation where you're with a religious person Who doesn't know the fuck words, but they say the fuck? Yep, it's amazing and then you have to suppress the laugh. Yeah, like there's you sitting around Thanksgiving and grandma's like, your boss has been giving it to you hard.

And you're like, come on, grandma. I know they had, we're all related to you. You fuck once. Someone said, that's what this entire movie is based on. That's so fucking. Wow. I think you're right.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, we have six possibly seven max exceedingly long scenes on the other side of this break. So we're going to take a minute to ramp up to this one, but we'll be back soon with all the insane interactions that are the borrowed Christmas. Dude, just stop. You're smearing it around. I am not. I am thinning it. Give it a second. Hey, Noah, have you seen my, oh my God, what is that smell?

Oh, hey, Cara, Eli's proven my point about hello Tushy. Is that what he calls it? Seriously, you need to put him in a hospital or something. No, no, no, hello Tushy. They're our sponsor this week and they make a modern bidet attachment. What's the bidet attachment? It sounds fake, right? Thank you.

Hello, Tushy attaches to your existing toilet so there's no electricity or additional plumbing needed. And it cleans your butt with a precise stream of fresh water all for just $79. Wow, that's a great price. Too great, right? Unbelievable. Right. So then Eli and I started arguing about whether Badei or toilet paper was better and you can see what he did to the floor.

That's so gross. I just need more paper towels. I'm going to do it. It's fine. Well, I wish this floor like hello tooshi came with a 60 day risk free happy butt guarantee and a 12 month warranty. I can imagine. So how can listeners get one anyway?

Well, you can get 10% off plus free shipping right now at hellotushy.com slash awful. That's hellotushy.com slash awful for 10% off and free shipping. HelloTushy.com slash awful. Sounds like a good deal to me. I slept in it. I slept in it. I slept in it. Oh, can I get the hose now? Yes, you can get the hose now.

You guys are gross. You're gross. Kera, thanks so much for coming back on the show. Yeah, no problem. Hey, how about this first? Oh, I'm sorry. Don't need to be rude. One second, that's my cell phone.

No problem. Hi, Kera. Hi, Eli. Were you under the desk? Yeah, yeah, thought I'd dropped a skittle down here. So how'd you like the movie? So creepy. Right? Just a weirdo. Living out is insane fantasy. So people were trying to help him. Totally. And I love how you make fun of that with the opening sketch. Totally, and I love how you make fun of that with the opening sketch. The opening sketch? Yeah, the one for the beginning of the show.

Yeah? Yeah, I mean, all this stuff about how you're the funniest one on the podcast and that whole monologue you wrote yourself about Ben Johnson. It's so pathetic. Totally. And totally, I have to go to the bathroom. I will be back. I'm sorry about that.

You guys ready to record bathroom? Oh shoot. I didn't get to ask him the question I had about his first sketch. Oh, what's that? Well, who's C-Soul and why does he fail to appreciate the love that no one else dares give him? You know what? I think we're going to skip that sketch. You know what I think we're going to skip that sketch.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up with the two most terrifying words and all of Christian cinema and therefore in all of cinema. Rosetti pictures. Oh yeah, Chippos Eddie back in the his I believe this is our seventh Chippros Eddie movie by the way the third of which we're directed and made in 2014 Not surprise not so better year a banner year So Cara just to fill you in or new listeners Chippros Eddie is a Christian movie director who has written multiple books about himself as a Christian movie director and the majority of the movies that we've watched at least have been from the perspective of his crazy computer programmer friend who lives out his fantasies in these

movies. And I'm pretty sure that this is one of them. That's like really meta. So the very worst messages we've ever encountered in Christian movies have come. Okay, the second worst message is we've ever encountered in Christian movies have come from Chipper O'Zide. He's the one who did the accidental activists about that poor guy who had to make T-shirts for some kind of gay parade.

The legendary unexpected bar mitzvah, whose message can best be summed up by friends don't let friends be Jewish. Right. Sounds about right. So this was actually very tame for a Rosetti movie, but I'll tell you what, I think I knew exactly how bad it was going to be as soon as I heard the first word of the song that we're getting the Christmas song at the beginning.

Oh, right. Oh, God. It was that that voicing in Christmas. I'm like, okay, I'm all the way over it. We are in the second. I can stand and I'm fucking done. Yeah. I wrote down music note making up a Christmas song.

One line at a time. So come on. Give me the give me the best ones. Well, it's just Christmas word, Christmas word, Christmas word. And then when they couldn't think of something that rhyme with Santa Claus, she goes, puppy showing just their nose and paws. And I'm like, that has nothing to do with fucking Christmas. You're just making shit up.

It doesn't even make sense. Right? Near the end, they have a line that's put your finger on the ribbon while I tie the bow. And I was just like, come on, movie. You know. You know. And this is what I love the most. You know a movie's going to be awful when the title cards are all in Comic Sam. Literally. It's Comic Sam. I can't. Well, and also they're like stumbling around drunkenly across the screen, right? Like these credits are moving all over the place. Like I'm having a stroke. Yeah.

And the camera was like jittery. I was wondering if it was my connection at first, but then the next scene was normal. Yeah. I was like, what who shot this? Michael J Fox clearly. God. That's awful. All right, so okay, so now we're going to open the movie proper at this rental place.

Now enjoy this scene because it's the only one that doesn't happen in Chippa Rosetti's God damn living room in the whole fucking movie. So it just soaked this ambiance up. It's all you're going to get. This UPS store is what this movie calls a set. And just to make clear what this place is, there are these little printed signs, like they only had access to a mini printer. So there's these printed signs taped over the UPS sign that say we rent anything.

Right. Or everything. And it's like, wait, what does we rent anything. Right, yes, yeah. Or everything. And it's like, wait, what is we rent anything mean? Like how is this company listed with the better business bureau? What did they have? No. Yeah, that question's going to reoccur to us over and over again throughout the film. Yeah.

So yeah, so she and I love to they've got her like the opening dialogue is her going like, I'm been pretty slow today. I wonder if we should close down, but that makes no goddamn sense because a the clock behind her. Since it's 11 o'clock in the goddamn morning and B there's a customer browsing immediately in front of her. It's like being the last guy at the bar or somewhere. They're like, yeah, well, we would close down if it wasn't for that one person

who's still here, you know, what? But just as she's thinking of closing it down, this guy walks up to the counter and says, I would, you know, you're signing here, says, you rent anything. I would like to rent a Christmas. Mm-hmm. Yep.

And by the way, this character, the main character Mrs. Westwood, is that her name? Westin. Westin. And, and. Westin. Yeah. And Westin does not skip a beat.

There is no one in this movie who will ever be like, that's a weird request. She, her immediate response is, what kind of Christmas would you like? So that I thought to myself, is this a sequel to a first movie where they established a story that was a Christmas story? And meanwhile, all I can think is,

is this a porno? Like is this just an opening scene? It's like that kind of classic porno acting where he's like, hello, ma'am, I would like to register Christmas. And she's like, what kind of Christmas would you like? How am I gonna pay for all this? And she's like, what kind of Christmas would you like? How am I going to pay for all this? And she's like, weirdly in soft focus.

And like the wall behind her is crystal clear. You're just like, what's happening? And the audio, the sound quality is such an abomination. Like who makes this movie? All their mics are at different levels. And I'm watching this at night in my living room. And I'm having to like turn up and down the TV the whole time just to figure out what they're saying.

It's an abomination. It's so, but somehow they're like illegible and clipping. I don't know how you even do that. Oh, so bad. And she's playing, she's acting it like she's pretty sure it's gonna be a porn I would and keeps being surprised when she's not fucking anybody at the scene. Right? This is the weirdest scat porn she's ever not. Right. Because we didn't, we didn't even mention that really it actually opens up with this woman who's like, I don't know, she's

like borderline mature sexy, I guess. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And then this like weirdly young, I don't know, like 19, 21 year old, like shop hand. It was just like mopping things up within, you know, close proximity of her. Like what even is about to happen? Yeah, yeah, right. Exactly. But yeah, so the guy comes up, he's like, I want to run a Christmas, she's like, okay,

what kind of Christmas? And he starts describing it in detail. She's writing down either what he's saying or she's writing down, so the guy comes up, he's like, I want to run a Christmas. He's like, okay, what kind of Christmas? And he starts describing it in detail. She's writing down either what he's saying or she's writing down, call the cops to slip to that 19 year old. Totally bored. I would like Christmas carols and five children. And her response to, I want to rent five children is what genders would you like the children to be? The weirdest possible follow-up. Oh yeah. Yeah, I literally wrote, wait, is this Christian movie seriously opening with a human trafficking request?

And yes it is. And this theme continues, this entire movie is about human trafficking. I was going to say opening, middleing, clothing is a human traffic crisp. Honestly, they should have is a human traffic. Honestly, they should have gone with human traffic Christmas rather than the forest. Also, I love how he like keeps adding weird requests. You know, he's like, I want decorations and I want presents and of course, oh, and human people and and make sure that they dress like it's like decennzian.

Yeah. I want this to be like weirdly done of the censored. So back when America was great again. like it's like Dickensian. Like I want this to be like, weirdly turn of the censored. So back when America was great again, yeah, this movie had this whole scene had this decidedly unintentional gas station scene from no country-frolled men feel to it. And it's so set the tone for the rest of the movie.

And like at any minute, it seemed like it's going to make a hard right into horror movie and then have a plot, but it never does. Yeah, War of Porno. So yeah, so he writes and he's like, she's like, okay, so they a big Christmas that's sure gonna be expensive and he's like, oh, don't worry, I have one of those fancy checkbooks where there's three checks stacked on top of each other. So clearly, I'm rich, right? And then he just literally writes a cheque. Like there's no discussion of cost. She just says it's not going to be cheap. And he's like, don't worry, I'm rich. Look at all

these zeros. And I'm like, so rich people just get to choose how much things cost. He just writes not going to be cheap on the check in hands. Well, it's so much sadder than that because we get to see what lots of money is to chip resetti and it's it's $10,000. He wants to rent six humans for two days work. Plus all that other shit on Christmas. Right. Yeah, not worth it. $1,600 for two days work.

Not to mention the wife has to assume he he's gonna want a fucker, right? Because he has for a wife as well. It's very clear that he has no idea how much actual production costs because they shot this on a camcorder. Right, yeah, exactly. And he's like, oh, deliver it to my home address. Here's my card, I'm like, your card is your home address, huh? I'm it.

It's lots. I didn't even think about that. That's so fucking weird. Everything about this fucking movie is wrong. Nothing makes any fucking sense. And I think they're supposed to be foreshadowing here, like setting up a romance because she's like, I walk by your house every day on the way to work and he's like, I know I watch you with binoculars. I'm the curtain. To which she reacts to it by being like,

ooh, binoculars, dancing. Oh God, yeah, okay. So he leaves and then her and the kid, the 19 year old kid, that's Jimmy. Of course it's fucking Jimmy. It's gonna be Jimmy or Timmy, right? So her and Jimmy are talking about like, wow, this would be a dumbass premise for a movie, huh? And she's like, where am I going to find a wife and kids at this hour? I'm like, like a normal day is you could just ring some

of that. I'm going cut to her by and chloroform and rope somewhere like what the hell is going on with this film? Wait, and didn't we just establish that it was like 11 o'clock in the afternoon? Yeah, right. Like the middle of the work day at this hour. But it's okay, she's gonna call the actor's guilt. Oh my God.

Yeah, right, she calls the actor's guilt. I would like four kids in a prostitute It's also like very clear that they live in a town that probably has a population of 600 people That town has an actor Local actor skills Dave, but you know he has a guilt. I guess because she's got the number in her phone, right? He doesn't look anything up on fucking speed dial. Yeah.

They fade out before she can talk to the actor's guild, but I really, really wanted to hear the rest of that conversation. Actors Union, where all the actors are, can I help you? Yes, hello. I'm looking to rent a Christmas. Sorry, what? A Christmas. I need five children and a wife.

For your Christmas. Oh, no, it's not for me. A man just walked into my store and asked me to find him five children and a wife. How much are they? Listen, we don't sell people. This is the actors' union. If you'd like to hire some actors, I can refer you to some agencies we work with, but we don't just sell people.

Oh, you don't? No, that would be horrible. Hmm. What if I call them extras? Oh, right. I can have a cement mixer full of them out in front of your house tomorrow at 5 a.m. for $8. Wonderful.

Do I have to feed them? No, no, you do not. Alright, so, yeah, so then we cut to, okay. We're going to cut to the fancy house full of mace now. Okay, look, it's nicer than my house, right? So I don't want to make fun of this, but like they're treating it like it's a 78 room mansion to the whole thing, but it's clearly like a two story

middle class living room, right? Oh, yeah, this house is not nicer than my house. This house has red walls and a mustard colored couch. Oh, no, okay. So now decorations wise, my house is not nicer than my house. This house has red walls and a mustard colored couch. Oh, no, okay. So now decorations wise, my house is nicer. And the idea of mates is so again, the world through Chiprasette's eyes, because the mates are also the cooks,

and the family, and apparently spoiler alert, they were the babysitters for the entire lives of this man who they're the same ages. It is fascinating. They're also wearing French made outfits. It's fascinating. Yeah, it's really good of it. But they're like one of them's like, you know, regular middle age, one of them's a little bit older. I can't tell again if this is like a mature pornophannicy or what.

But there's no way these maids are legitimate actors. Like they're obviously like his mom and his aunt or something like that. There's just no way that these people are not family members of his. Well, so what's amazing is that like for me, like when I saw, so the names are, their names are Martha and Bridget Martha is the older of the two, the gray haired one. And when I saw Martha, I was like, Oh, I know her. I've seen her in like 11 movies. No, Martha's been in 11 movies and she's still that bad.

No, no. Okay. So I think this was her first or second movie, but she's in just a bunch of chaperosatis movie. She has a crew. There's like, Judd Apatow. You know, he has this little crew. This is not like Judd. It's pretty much just like Judd Apatow. crew. This is not like, it's pretty much just like,

John Apatow. Yeah, this is her Ed Norton breakout role, right? Once they saw her Martha, they were like, we gotta get her in everything. And she's got that like classic Christian, judgy, Southern accent that I cannot get over. Like that, my name's Martha and I am a maid. I just can't. It's so gross. Everything about this is so gross.

So this is the point in the movie where in all caps, I wrote guys, this is somehow worse than any other movie. You've made me watch. It really is. So, okay. So first of all, we have not discussed the subplot of the movie, which is the battle that goes on between and the the lead character and the English goddamn language, right? This woman has so much trouble saying simple things. At one point, her line, she, because she shows up where the maids are and her line is, did Mr. Dell tell you, et cetera? She could not say those words in that order to save a fucking nation. Dim Snim Finner, Neumann.

They left them in. That's the weirdest thing, like they didn't just edit and keep the one take she nailed. One take. We've gone back for less in this podcast. So far today. Yeah. I love that the first question she asked too, because she's there to like set up. The first question she asked, she's like, so he said he wants a vintage Christmas.

Does he want the Christmas to be? What kind of music should this Christmas play? All right. So one of my favorite things about this opening scene is that we set up that Martha just isn't going to take no shit off of no rental Christmas planner person, whatever. We have to have like a sort of an arc for her, right? So we have to have this moment where Ann and Martha mesh over the flowers.

Oh, the flowers. Amazingly, sloppily done. Well, now I like you kind of moment. I just love how it's. Yeah, that's how she was. Anything's humans work. It's amazing. Yeah, she literally asked her like, he thinks humans work. It's amazing

Yeah, she literally asked her like Wow, where did you get such brightly colored flowers at this time of year? And I'm like I don't like trader Joe's Doesn't matter what time of year no you're answers so eternally stoop it is that she grossed them in her room. No, no, no, no. There's 11 species of flowers in this book. Okay. None of which grow in the same climate. Right. So clearly she doesn't have a bedroom and is forced to sleep in the greenhouse.

Right. She sleeps in one of the many green houses. This mansion. Well, that makes sense because that would explain how the hell there was room for 11 more people to sleep in this house later. We'll get there. But yeah, so she's like, okay, so yes, so now you guys are all my friends. I complimented your flower. So you're on my side. So you know, the actor's killed totally hooked me up.

They're sending a bunch of kids open no questions asked By the way does mr. Dale have potentially a tragic backstory you guys can tell me Yeah, they don't they don't change the music so it's like It's like, she's a bad guy. She's a bad parent. And he has a totally a... Again, another fantastic moment through Chip Presettis eyes, right? Look, a lot of shitty Christmas movies. There hasn't been a happy Christmas since his parents died, but only Chip Presettis could

write the line, have father was killed immediately, but his mother lingered on as a vegetable for years. You know, just that husk of a human being really let you know there is no soul and just a brain inside of the team. I mean, I cleaned her up as best as I could, but the smell of human feces, it sticks to the walls of a place. Anyways, let's get back to planning this fucking Christmas. It's so weird.

Right? Oh, Jesus, she's like, okay, so what gift would have a lot of emotional impact for him in Act Three? And they're like, picture was old house. And she said, okay, picture of his old house. Wow, that was quick. All right. I've got your answer right away.

Also, okay, you're making a Christmas movie. And a sad millionaire is gonna rent a Christmas. Aw, and he has no friends or family. Oh, he has family. His brother lives in California. But yeah, and that's a family. He's like nieces and nephews and shiths. You visit your brother, you fucking idiot.

They would have you, I'd imagine you're rich. They put in our minds, a scene where the millionaire was like, ha, California fuck that's LAX. You know, I'll just break people, alright humans. I don't want to drive through LA traffic. I'll just, it's a lot. Oh my god. You get a hooker. Also, this is the point in the movie where I'm starting to wonder like how he envisions maids. Like I think he thinks that they are encapsulated robot people that they that themselves have no ties. Like they weren't born.

Nope. I don't think because they obviously don't have their own families. They were just they were created to serve him. Yeah. Right. They like they do not get the day off on Christmas. Right. They're called in for a moment to open a couple of presents and then they're sent back to work

on Christmas morning eventually. It's so weird. It's, yeah, robot, like they get plugged in at night or something. That's probably what he thinks. Just another little horror movie I want to tease that. At one point, Ms. Weston is like, do they have any decorations in the basement? And the movie grinds to a halt as one of the maid goes,

I don't know what's down there in the basement. I was so hoping for that to be the next scene. They never talk about it again. No, but they do later, later, And I don't want to like spoiler alert when they open up the box full of ornaments. And it's like, is that blood? Yes, we'll get there. It's so fucked up.

That's the most fucked up moment in the entire goddamn way. But before we get there, there's two more things I wanted to highlight about this scene. Number one, okay. So Anne asks Martha, the older of the two mates, she's like, hey, would you like to go shopping with me for these imaginary kids? We're going to need presents to which Martha says this is an actual goddamn line. I don't know. I have some misgivings because that's how the people talk through this entire goddamn

movie. And then Anne says, and I quote, just think it of buying for the play. Now, that is the second time in 20 minutes that she has used that series of words. Just think it of because she can't say the words, just think of it as, right? Think it. We're 20 minutes in by the time she does that for the second fucking time. But, but she eventually coaxes Martha out to buy presents like she's some kind of shop of phobic hermit and I really really want to be there for that shopping trip Hey, welcome to big toy store. Have you seen this cool game? No, that looks stupid. I'm shopping for five children. What do you recommend?

It's not stupid. It's a very cool game. What are the kids like? I don't know. You don't know. How do you not know? Well, the master of the house I made for is renting orphans for Christmas. What do orphans like? Rented by... Probably the same as other normal kids I get. So are you sure you're not a Victorian ghost? No, very well. I shall take a wooden train.

Two dollies a sled and a backsterbaker full of lithium. Okay, we don't sell that last thing and I'm actually just here to sell this good day You know this sketch is giving me flashbacks me too It was not a stupid game people liked it a lot people did like it All right, okay, so now we get Ann showing back up at the mansion She found that picture of Mr. Dale's old house from two minutes ago. There are no pins that this movie does not

set up that it does not immediately knock back exactly, right? Don't make them wait, I guess. It's amazing too, because at this point, Martha's like, oh, look at this photograph and she sniffs the photograph. And she's like, I can almost smell the lilacs. And I'm like, well, why did you, did you want to check for sure to see if you good first? Is that why you sniffed it? What's going on?

Oh God, I didn't even catch that part where they set up the lilac. Oh, it's very clever. There's a lot of layers to chipperize writing. Sometimes you have to watch them two or three times to catch everything, yeah. The only note that I made on this entire scene is, I think they shot this entire movie on auto focus.

Yeah, they did. It's so crazy. Like, when they show the photo, they show it over the shoulder. So envision this guys, you're looking through a camera lens over the shoulder at a flat, two-dimensional object.

And somehow, the scene is in like full resolution, but the photo is low res. Like I don't understand how that even works with modern cinematography. There's moments where like you can see the camera start to focus into a reflection or something like that. It's really awful. Yeah.

So, okay. There's also a great moment where like the two maids keep talking over Anne's lines as she starts some like Eli and he's fucking looking at it. It's love that. Oh my God. I was like, no, you go. I'm exactly like Every second kept. All right, okay, but then just then Jimmy, the younger guy from the beginning of the movie shows up and he's got bad news.

It turns out that someone at the actor's guild was like, what the fuck did they want to do? And no, they can't rent children. Yeah, three of the children don't want to miss Christmas, but two of them, two of them, again, the world through Chippers Eddie's eyes, have measles. What? They might as well have milk leg. And so weird, she goes, why can't they come?

And he says, well, two kids have measles. And the other three don't want to come by themselves. Wait, wait, what? That's even makes sense. I want to spend a doctoral thesis on the insanity that's encapsulated in that excuse right? There are so many other ways to get there. Oh my gosh and literally literally hot mom and like weird hot pool boy Or like oh darn we're so bad at human trafficking pool boy are like, oh darn, we're so bad at human trafficking. What are we gonna do? What a far-sweeper he ate us.

No, yeah, exactly. But that's okay, because Jimmy's got a solution. See, he's an orphaned who lives at the orphanage. You know, one of those 35-year-old orphans, they keep at the orphanage. Why don't they just grab some orphans from the orphanage for a day rental? And they're literally using the word orphan and orphanage over and over as if that's a thing that exists in this year. Right. That's a thing. That you can just like go pick up some orphans from the orphanage. And they're fucking on this, by the way.

Like they are, they have immediately know which orphans they'd hire. If they need to hire out of you. Exactly. They're like, you know, I was just to get the other day of which orphans I would cast. So they're like naming orphans, you know, who'd make a great third daughter.

They practically say the names at the same time. Like, sad, sad, bad, bad. And this is the point where it comes into crystal clear focus, not the actual camera work, but the idea of this movie that the whole movie is predicated on the white savior trope. Oh, yes. Right. This is just this one guy, the sad sat guy who's probably a serial killer, like fantasizing about saving a bunch of orphans. That's what the whole movie is at this point forward. And and some poor woman that has to work all day behind some counter. Keep in mind that Anne owns the business, right? Like we've established that she owns her own business.

She seems to be a very successful person, but we later established that like none of that matters because she doesn't have a man to take care of her. Yeah. Oh, told. Oh, yeah. Of course. There's also this amazing moment where like apparently the girl that Jimmy has in mind to play the oldest sister is his crush, right?

They established that. Oh, really? I didn't get that either. Oh, they established it hard. They revis multiple revisitations. Oh, I must have been like scratching my nose or something. Yeah. Yeah. No, like I said, you got to know, well, I think what you know, Rosetti is the director. You know it's like when you know Tarantino, you're looking for the foot shots. It's like that. Yeah. So what's the point that why does he do that? Is it just because he's like, you're borny horny? I could like, I, I, there's, because yeah, he's got something about watching orphans. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know. I want to know.

No sense. I want it. It like, it makes all the relationships weirder. it doesn't play at any other moment in the movie. Yeah, there's all these threads that start to get pulled and then he's like, yeah, just leave them. I can't follow through with that. This is hard.

And truth be told, I don't think there's an actual script. I think there's just like scene headers and then they're like, just get to the point where we changed Jimmy's name to Jack. I don't care how you do it. Just figure it out as you go. Waiting for Guffman style. Absolutely. That's how Chip works. Honestly, look, after watching several of his movies yet, I honestly think every word of this is written down and that's actually just how he writes. And then he insists that people read it with the misspellings and grammatical errors as he's got them and everything. I honestly think that's how it goes. It's so it's so weird to think that like

there's a method to any of this madness, but I really think there is. Oh, so so can we get some clarity on Jimmy needing to change his name to Jack? Because in my view, dude never met Jimmy. He saw him behind the counter, didn't know what his name was. Not necessary to change his name. He could have just been Jimmy, would not have mattered. I want everyone to burn in a Christmas fire. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. So yeah, and there's also this great moment where they're like, all right. Well, those are the five orphans that will invite over to have a great Christmas. Everyone else can stay at the fucking orphanage.

And then the movie starts to feel a little bit guilty about that and they're like, well, maybe the other ones could be carolers and we can each give them a cookie. And then they can go back to the orphanage. Okay, much better, much better. But carolers that don't sing, we can get there. Oh my God.

And it's like, I was so excited to talk about the cameras. All right. Well, tell you what, this movie is borrowing children. And Andrew has told me very explicitly, anytime that happens and want to Eli's movies stop and call him and make sure it's okay to keep going. So we're going to do that. But we'll be back in a flash with even more of the borrowed Christmas. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Santa's job impossible. Can't give people trips or travel gear or even games

for more than one good little boy or girl. I'm going to Cancun. Wait, Santa, before you go, why don't you just give everybody Raycon's? Raycon's, they aren't ready for that kind of power, Twinkleto's. That would be a ran contra all over again. No, no, no, no.

Raycon, wireless earbuds. With seamless Bluetooth pairing and a comfortable noise isolating fit. You can listen right out of the box and keep listening for hours. The audio quality is amazing, comparable to what you get from premium brands, except Raycon

started half the price. Best of all, this is something they can use for calls or music for work or play at home or on the go. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Wow, that does sound pretty good. Oh, they are. Raycon sent us a parent to try and they're so excellent.

Our wives stole them and Raycon's being generous for the holidays. So on top of their everyday great prices, they're offering our listeners 15% off right now. Go to buyraycon.com slash scam today to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash cam by Raycon.com slash cam. Oh, Twinkle toes, you've saved Christmas. Yeah, you know, happy to help. No, sorry, I did you imply that you were behind a run contra? Okay, hear me out. The committee had been really, really good that year.

How do you know? No. that here. How do you know? No. Comment PingPong Pizza, secret child sex hotline. Yes, I would like to rent a Christmas. Sir, you don't have to use code on this phone. How many children you want to buy? Oh, um, five. Genders? Three girls and two boys. Italian tricycle, got it. Excuse me. Sir, I'm on the phone, I'll be right with you. I want a Norman Rockwell Christmas as well. Okay, outfits are extra.

Oh, no, that's fine, that's fine. And of course, I'll need a wife. Okay, do you want an actual blood relation to the children because that's extra? I guess not then. Excellent. Now, do you have any specific requests? Water sports, SCAT? Well, no water sports. It's December. Excuse me. Sorry, sir. What are you hiring these people for? To keep me company at Christmas. Keep you company or keep you company.

I think the second one grows. Some people. Okay. Now Mitch McConnell, how can I help? Mine broke, I need a new one. Again? Yep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And we're back and we're going to rejoin the action with Anne explaining all the orphan renting details to Bridget, Bridget, the non-Martha made. And Bridget is so excited to surprise Martha with this information.

Oh, yes, she is. Right. Right, because Martha didn't like the idea by in presence for rich ass actor kids. So she's like Martha, you'll never guess what? And Martha's like, what? What? And she's like, we got fucking orphans.

And she's like, don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. She's so cheesy. We got orphans. She's like, you know, I love orphans. Oh, yeah, this is that weird part where She's like, you know I love orphans. Oh, yeah, this is that weird part where she's like, she knitted scar for all the children, but was truly concerned they wouldn't actually need them.

Yeah. God, we got cold shivering children from scar. I didn't want to give any spoiled ass brats who already had a scar. What the hell? Yeah, but she's not just going to make cookies. Now she's going to make orphan cookies. God's it. What the hell? Yeah, but she's not just gonna make cookies. Now she's gonna make orphan cookies. God, it was so weird. Oh yeah, and Mr. Dale, they ask about Mr. Dale's favorite cookie.

And he says, oh, me a raisin. What is wrong with them? Fuck this case, oh fucking monster. How am I supposed to feel about this character? Is your favorite fucking cookie as raisins in it? Fuck you! I just like to say as someone who's representing the oppressed minority of oatmeal raisin lovers in our audience right now.

Oh god, of course you are. Sometimes you want a pancake to the mango nectar of cookie. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes. But they're very excited about all the cookies and the orphans and Bridget has brought a box that has some old decorations in it, not old brand new, brand new decoration picked up at the dollar general that afternoon. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, it's a hundred year old light bulb. Yeah. Yeah. So, no, okay, but this box, as Kara has already mentioned, very clearly has had human body parts in it at some point. Right? It's really weird. It's like they got their set department, which was, you know, his, like,

niece or something. Right. To use, like, old, dried, looking blood paint, like brown paint and, like, paint drip marks on the inside of the box. Like, they intentionally did this. This isn't just an old dirty box. It's a brand new box that they painted drip marks on the inside of. Why did they do that? Or between this entire cast, none of them had a box that didn't already have blood stains. And that's what makes sense. And I think the part that bothered me the most

was not that the box was quote, bloody, but that it was filled with glass ornament. None of which were wrapped. No, like, loose glass. Oh, loose glass ornament. And halus. Well, that explains the blood I can. Oh, my God.

Well, I love about it. It's completely the wrong size. So she keeps, she takes out like two different things. And it's like, well, that's all that would fit in that little last box. Right. It's like the star topper and an enormous globe. Yeah. Right. Like a comically oversized Christmas ornament too. Yeah. Yeah. I think the only thing that would fit in there otherwise is maybe a human foot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. She's like an ornament and a star. And well, that's all that's in that box. And then, okay, somebody explained this part to me because I didn't get this. And I actually did watch this part a second time to see if maybe I could. Bridget brings up at this point that Martha has a nativity scene that she would like to set up. Oh my god, I don't get it.

She brings it up as though she's afraid that Anne is going to beat her with a stick for mentioning it. It's so weird. She's like being so cagey about it. It comes back around multiple times. And they never explain it. Like they really draw attention to it and they never explain it. Like, I'm putting up the nativity scene that like later the orphans are like, what's that? She's like, it's a nativity scene and they're like, okay, lady. Like, before she can explain what it is, the scene interrupts her and they're like,

oh, moving on. It's so weird. It's almost like they literally changed the music, like the tone of the scene changes. Yeah, exactly. Is this all just to be like these people are Christian? change the music like the tone of the scene. Exactly. Is this all just to be like these people are Christian? So that's actually what I think it is is like, uh-oh. Oh, but if myth is Western isn't Christian, can we put up our nativity scene? And it was like, don't worry, I am the religion that 90% of the people in this country

pretend to be. You come Santa Claus here, come Santa Claus. Right. Okay, you're right. You're exactly right because they have to live in that fantasy universe where everyone else is offended by nativity scenes. You're right. That's exactly what it is.

Well, see, I think part of what fucked me up is because like Cara said, they changed the music here and their music cues in this are always insane, right? They're never, they have never have anything to do with what's going on on screen. And also the actress that plays Am has this random ASMR delivery sometimes. Right. But for like no reason, suddenly it's a weird ASMR makeup tutorial or something going on. She's just like clicking her fingernails on the wall. Exactly. Cutting construction paper very precisely.

Yeah, it's really weird. Okay, since you mentioned makeup tutorials, I need to talk about Anne's eyeshadow. Okay, Eli, I love you so much. You like, you spent like a good percentage of your notes focusing on her because it's the great it grows like it's Volition it's bananas. It's okay. Here's what I assume I I created such a sad short story in my head But woman who plays an in this movie is an unsexed Christian who's just you know She shits out babies and then she dies and goes to heaven where Jesus will give her a hug.

And this is the first time in her life she was allowed to put on makeup because hot water burned baby. So she just went to Sephora and dunked her eyes first into gold, then into purple, then she saw a clown who was like, no, no, no, way too subtle. So they could put blue over that. I literally William Baldwin's makeup a couple weeks ago when he was in the weird red face blindfold is less distracting this one than I shadow.

Oh, all right. Yeah, no, no good analogy. Have you listened to every episode? It's important that you listen to every episode. I was here. All right. Okay. So then all the orphans show up, even though by the way, okay. So and got off the phone with the orphanage

five minutes ago, we haven't cut to a different scene, but the orphans are here. They have a cannon apparently that they fired a amount. We don't we don't cut to a different scene, but the orphans are here. They have a cannon apparently that they fire them out. We don't cut to scenes in this movie. The whole movie shot in one room. It really is. Yeah, exactly. And there are like three time cuts in it, but other than that, yeah.

And my guess is, is that this was originally written as a play, right? That's my assumption, but it's also, it's Chipper's Eddie. So it's also entirely possible that he's like, well, I've got to film it all in my living room. So I think I'm up to the challenge. Oh, and the the orphans file into the room quietly and they're supposed to be making noise because they're excited to be in the house, but these kids suck. So they don't make noise, but that doesn't stop the lady playing the head of the orphanage. She's fulfilling her children be quiet line. So what you see is children quietly file into the room. I was like, shut the fuck up. Oh my god, it's amazing. And also did you guys notice that all of these orphans were like really

well dressed. They're all wearing like diamond earrings. Right. Like, like the whole stick is supposed to be that these are like sad poor orphans, right? Like it's the classic white savior theme throughout this whole movie. And then the orphans come in and they're like, yeah, we're doing great. Like we're doing a lot of side gigs. Yeah, apparently. Yeah.

Well, there was this disturbing bit of dialogue here too, where like one of the young girls turns to Ann and she goes, so we're here to do a play and Ann goes kind of and I'm like, run kids, run! Okay, you guys know plays, you know slavery? It's somewhere in between. Imagine the exact middle. Yeah, so okay, so we meet a bunch of kids all at once here. None of them are really going to matter to the story because the none of

them really get personalities except for Ledi and Willie. I was going to say except for Willie, my favorite fucking character. Well, and dad never bothers to learn any of their names. No, no. Any where. Yeah, but Willie is amazing. Willie enters and is like, sorry, what's the plot of this movie? And they're like, you got rented for Christmas. And he's like, that's fucking stupid. Can I eat this?

I want to eat from starving. It's true. His only lines revolve around food. And then later when he says he has a hollow leg. Yeah. It's so good. It's amazing that someone gave this child dad jokes to say with a totally straight face right?

It's, you've got a hole in your stomach, kiddo. And I think you might have a hollow leg too, right? Which is what Uncle Steve says when you ask for seconds of mashed potatoes. Oh, that's what that is. I was so confused. I was like, this child has a really weird mash. Of course you were confused because Willie delivers that line by saying, I have a hole in my stomach and a hollow leg.

Like, I've seen fucking exers from the hotel Rwanda. Like, he's trying to get money for it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I thought he was doing tiny Tim. Like, he was wearing the hat and everything. Yeah, I got he was doing tiny Tim like he was wanting to hat and everything Well, yeah, exactly exactly. Well, it was so funny to me is that they're trying to play this as like this humorous You know all the kids all they're all ever thinking about is eating all you know the kids will always want candy or whatever But the problem is is that we've established that these are orphans right so the whole trope of an orphan going

Please sir can I have some more? And I saw laughing and going, Teehee, hungry orphan, give me a break. Right? It's so sad. Let's finish up the negotiations first at least. But it gets darker because these orphans in this scene with the exception of Willie, who's my fucking hero, are like, please sir, can I have some less? Yeah.

All of the orph organs in this scene volunteer to pretend to be this man's child for free. Oh yeah, they're like, I'm gonna give back the money because this guy is so sad. It's like, no kid, this is your chance. Fucking take him for everything, he's worth. What if he didn't go to California where his brother lives? It's not a... He's just an asshole everything he's worth. What if he just goes to California where his brother lives? He's just an asshole.

So this is the point in the movie where I realized that the soundtrack is literally just, you know, chips son like banging on the piano. Yes. Like it's like they just recorded his piano lesson and played it in the back. Oh my God, that's exactly what it's all like. It's so bad. Oh, well, this is also, the movie has apparently thinks it's going to spring the fact on us that that Ann is going to play the mom in this play. I know, right?

It's so obvious. Yes. This is where all the kids are like, we want you to be our mom for the purposes of this play. And they're like, and she's like, why? And they're like, because that's because we're not going to pay another fucking actress at this point. It wouldn't make sense otherwise. Right. Like they have no real reason for that. They don't know her or anything. Oh, see, I really wanted a hooker to show up and just be super

confused by this whole Christmas. Oh, that would have been amazing. I want it like like a Rachel Dratch kind of character Yeah, exactly. Oh my god. That would show no that would have made for the first this movie thought it had right right if just one person So I'm here to fuck this guy right. Oh the kids If the kids want to watch its extra Oh my god, it's so nothing with pine needles inside me until I see money. So you're going to drink that candle. Eli, how have you gone this far without a single Epstein reference? Oh, well, oh, it's in my notes. Yeah, I have one of my, because when the kids get in, they're like, all right, everyone off with your coats

and I wrote, oh, it's one of these trips. It's Mr. F. And here again. All right, so, okay, but that just then one of the maids runs and she's like, everybody run Mr. Dale is coming and they all run off as though Mr. Dale is unaware that this is happening. No, he paid for this.

He asked for this. I don't that this is happening. No, he paid for this. He asked for this. I don't understand this scene at all. Everybody's like nervously running away and hiding and somebody's dropped their scarf and the maid is trying to hide the scarf. So Mr. Dale doesn't see it, but there's no reason why they would do any of that. But also, why is the maid so bad at hiding the scarf?

Why is it by looking at it and then running like I don't understand. I just got a scooting it on inch and a half with her feet instead of just leaning over and picking it up or kicking it under the cat. Yeah. Yeah. That's bad. God. Yeah. So all right. So everybody's running and hiding. Oh my god. They forgot the coats. Oh my god. They didn't get the cars. He makes it home, right? We're all writing in our notes. What the fuck is going on right now?

And so, but he's like, hey, Fred, this is a character we haven't met yet, is gonna meet me here for lunch to pick up that present he got for his wife. Oh, that's what that was. I thought it was like a really weird business meeting on his couch. Well, they, they, but then they're like, yeah, but we're going to probably want to talk

business and eat lunch, you know, oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So why don't you, why don't you scurry on to the kitchen made and make some soup? Again, the world from Chip Presenting's eyes. What do you eat over at a business meeting? Probably soup and sandwiches. I can't think of a better over at a business meeting? Probably soup and sandwiches.

I can't think of a better food for a business meeting than liquid. So she goes, she goes off, Fred shows up instantly. By the way, he must be, Mr. Dale had to have closed the door in Fred's face. Right, yeah, exactly. We assume he had to have closed the door in Fred's place. Right, yeah, exactly. We assume we had to get out of like,

Parking the driveway or something. We had to be walking up at that point. Wait, and also don't rich people have garages. Like what rich people park in the front of their houses? Rich people park in the garage and they come through the garage door. Everything about this movie is horrible. I hate it.

It's so stupid. Well, and then so Fred's like, okay, explain the Everything about this movie is horrible. I hate it. It's so stupid. Well, and then so so friends like, okay, explain the plot of this movie to me again. And he's like, yeah, I I'm breaded at Christmas. Now, this is the part of the script where Chipper O'Zetty felt the need to go back and explain why in the hell this guy wandered into a rental place in the first place that rents like, you know,

couches and TV's and shit and asked to rent a Christmas. But the only explanation that Chipper O'Zetty can come up with was, well, I was walking by that rental place and I thought, I should go in here and see if they'll rent me a Christmas. Right. That's always got. And he literally is like, yeah, no, but I was totally joking when I ordered humans for Christmas. But the human trafficker I was talking to took me seriously. I didn't want to be stupid. So here I am buying people.

Long. And he adds a layer of crazy insanity to it when he explains to Fred that he is asked for a wife and his exact family. Oh, you're right. He's like, yeah, no Fred, I went for three girls and two boys just like you. Hey, can I cut off your face and wear your And how does Fred respond?

He responds by like nodding his head and agreement. Mm-hmm. Seems reasonable. Yep, but look. There's a flowery scarf on the ground. Are you a fag? Fag. Yeah. So horrible. It's so weird. Gay scarf. You gay. You gay with your gay scarf? They've set this scarf up.

Everybody's trying to hide the scarf and they can't go out and hide it or whatever. And so they feel that they need to pull the trigger on it. So Fred drops something he reaches over and he's like, pulls out this flower. He's like, well, you wear this, you queer mo. And then we just, we fade to black. I knew it. We don't even see him be like, no. Well, you were in this queer mode and then we just, we've played the black and the air. We don't even see him be like, no. You know what?

Like, it wouldn't be a Chippa Rosetti movie without some like blatant homophobic. You know what that might be? That might be the fucking barefoot shot of Chippa Rosetti's films. It's so bad. And what I love too is like, really we could do some classic kind of film school,

ripping this apart. The scene is that Fred is sitting there with a pen for his soupy business meeting. And he accidentally drops a pen. And literally they shot that. They took a becam and shot like the pen falling. Like stopped on the pen. Notice it was next to the scar.

And then he leans over to get the scarf. Like we didn't need to see that. That's implied. In case we were confused by pen, yeah, exactly. Oh, so good. All right, so now we cut to the kids doing a, I guess dress rehearsal. And Willie would like to know, as would I, why the kids have to be dressed like decennzian paper boys

or what the hell are we even going for here? Because no, nothing else about it is a period piece. No, they don't change the way they talk. They don't change their food. It's not like a whole, you know, like a lar. No, literally. They literally just like make the kids dress like it's 1900. And she doesn't dress like it's 1900. Right. The children and Mr. Dale doesn't dress like it's 1900 just the children.

Yeah. Oh yeah, he's wearing like a business casual suit with like a mint colored button down shirt or something. Yeah, it's weird. It puts on a suit for Christmas day too later. will suit with like a mint colored button down shirt or something. Yeah, it's weird. It puts on a suit for Christmas day too later. I don't get this guy at all, but yeah, but they're all giving them like this. Again, this really pornographic.

All right, everybody be sure to call him daddy when he gets home. Oh, gross. Yeah, call him. The little girl calls him daddy and the guy whispers, call him daddy louder. And I wrote in my notes, the Eli Bosnick story. And then they shout, he's coming. And I wrote shortly after the Eli Bosnick story. And it would be one thing if it was just the little girl letty that called him daddy, but like the 22 year old daughter who's been away at college calls him daddy. Yeah. I don't like it. Well, again, this is amazing because this ends up being this weird callback.

We never hear from this nativity scene again, right? But like, Bridget is just starting to set up the nativity scene. And one of the kids says, Miss Bridget, what are you doing over there? And she says, well, I'm setting up the nativity scene. It's about and somebody's like, the dad guy's done work. He's here. We're just shut up. About that. And we never talk about it again. No, but it still has that whole weird music queue, everything's slowing down like done to done. Here comes the creepy nativity. And

this is just over. Just let's forget. This had to be a black face nativity scene. They exist. So right. The only way this makes sense in the context is that Martha was like, I do in the movie unless I get to bring my bow jangles Christmas. And then like the editor that they hired was basically like, this is even beyond the film. I'm just going to come right here. He's never going to know. Or amus I was like, look, man, you can have your movie on here, but we're taking it.

Yeah. Did you guys notice that there's a scene or there's a part at this point where like because the children have come home from college, right? Mm-hmm. So they come home during the scene, the two older ones because they need to have their own separate entrance, the son and the daughter, which means they're over 18. Am I wrong? They're absolutely.

If they're in college, they're average. Absolutely, yeah. Okay, so they're over 18. Am I wrong? If they're absolutely, yeah. Okay, so they're legal. And first of all, the maid is like, look at how much you've grown to the boy. Like, do boys grow in college? I think they're like men. Like 18. You're not going to get bigger. It's really weird. And then also there's a scene where like this like eye contact moment between the oldest son and the father. And like one of them says something to the other and the other has this look in his eyes. And I'm like, wow. So they have like a deep psychological like issue between the two of them. Like there's a backstory built in. It's probably the only good acting in the whole movie. Oh, and by the way, Mr. Dale will spend this entire first scene acting like he has no

idea what's happening. Right? He's like, he's Nick Cage in the family, man. Like he was in some pumpkin shedouper in that opening scene and doesn't remember that he hired these people. Oh, and then we get a recurring oatmeal raisin like moment because she like shoves one in his mouth. Oh, oatmeal raisin like moment because she like shoves one in his mouth. And he's like, oatmeal raisin.

It's my favorite. How did you know that? So sexual. She forces this cookie into his mouth with such a fervor. We watch the actor drop his character and become afraid for his life as she funnels and entire fucking hub capsized. Oh, there isn't good. Down the throat of this soap opera actor on Christmas break.

And then once again, the kid is like, I'm hungry. You got to be really hungry. And they're like, shut up, child. Shut up. You can't even tell you to. You shut up, hungry, orphan. Yeah. you to shut up hungry or fin. Yeah. Well, before we can feed the kid, I guess we have to have that weirdly

intimate. Can you tie my apron moment? Oh, I have a ship resetti. This scene was hardcore porn. You guys felt it, right? You fucking felt like when someone else thinks something is sexual and it's not.

But you all the sudden realize that you have to leave this Uber. That's this thing. There's also okay. So everybody comes in and they're like, oh, daddy, big hugs for daddy. And then somebody asked show, where's Letti? That's the youngest girl. And so he goes, she's sleeping. I'm like, she was just there one minute ago. I started to think that that actors got fed up and stormed off the fucking set and they had to like make up for it. You know, think of an excuse why she wasn't there.

God, it's so bad. You guys, it's so bad. Oh. Yeah. So, okay. So we've established that Ledi's nargal optic and willy starving. So they go off to eat. And then we cut to, I guess it's after dinner. Letty is is laying by the tree staring at the presence half asleep.

Yeah. And all the kids are in their pajamas except mom and dad are still like business casual. Which is right. Yeah, exactly. But like the old children are in like footy pajamas. Right. Yeah, with the little so uncomfortable. The ass window and shit because it's 1837 in this Christmas forever

This is where they do the what are we gonna do next summer role play which is fucking terrifying, right? He's rented them for a day But he's like, what do you want to do next summer? And she's like, oh, I'm gonna ramble about on my favorite horse And I just wrote my notes. I was like, no, was that turn of the century backpacker across Europe? I'm frightened. I'm thinking, why not have fun with this? Right? Because you could just say it. I'd be like, well, down. I'm going to like last summer. I'm going to take back that job, castrate and bulls with throwing knives in the Tijuana circus. I mean, you could just say whatever you want now. Oh, yeah. Instead, he chooses to be a camp counselor, and also he wants to go to the beach and go fishing.

Right. Yeah. So bad. It's so bad. And she keeps calling him daddy, just over and over. So. Oh, and then they're like, okay, I guess it's time to read a Christmas story. And I'm thinking like the movie, a Christmas story, but it's like the actual Christmas story from the Bible. Oh

My God. All right. So and yeah, it's they're like, oh, yeah, it's our family tradition and then they start reading This decidedly creepy ass story out of the Bible Right just like so that this movie counts for a game, I guess Right, just like so that this movie counts for a game, my guess. Yeah, and they read the whole thing. Like, there's no, they don't cut anything out, and it opens up like in Syria, which I'm really surprised they left in and didn't change it to like Cleveland. And then we're sitting here watching it and all of us in our notes are like, oh, he's just going to keep, he's just, oh, he's still reading this.

Okay. So this is like a solid 10 minutes of him reading out of the Bible. And we had to watch the actors realize and terror how long that story is. It's like, there was a great survey to be fucked. There's like 14 pages left. No, this is the part where they earned their money because as they pan around, well, first of all, there's always like one person boning the shot, I love it.

Yes. They're showing the dad and mom and there's like kids' hair kind of like and then like the boom comes down. But they pan around and other than the kid that's asleep through the whole movie, everybody else is like smiling, like creepy smiling, like looking deep into daddy's eyes

and creepy smiling about the fucking virgin birth. And I'm like, this is not fun. No child thinks this is fun. This is trauma. We all have this collective trauma in our minds from when we were children. Well, it was trauma watching this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so throughout all of this, we're panning across the kids. We keep zooming in on the sleeping little girl, which is creepy as fuck. We would they have the weird ornament animations, right? We had that for a second. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, that was weird. But my favorite thing about this scene is that somebody queued the goddamn carolers

outside too early. Yes, they fucking did. And he still has like a page and a half a shit to read. And you can hear the carolers out there like trying to do the fourth verse of Silent Night. Nobody knows it and shit. Oh my God, no way. Okay, so because I'm like so annoyed by the sound quality of this movie,

I'm turning it up and down the whole time. So for me, I didn't hear the carolers at all. So there's this weird moment where they're like the carolers, can you hear them? And I'm like, no lady, I can't. I can't. They can't just answer the door. And it's like dead silence. And I'm like, what?

Did you, did you take that pill that makes you good at chess again? I don't know any carol. Well, okay. So what here's what's fucking funny is that while he's telling his story, they have an instrumental version of silent night playing in the background. And then when the carolers show up, they're singing silent night, but not in the same time. They're timing. Yeah.

Right. And then they invite the kids in and they sing silent night. They sing. I'm gonna. I'm gonna say sing. Would we say sing? In the moment they open their mouths we realize these six extras not only don't know the song silent night I'm going to guess have never spoken the

English language before or a counter music yeah there is one little girl who doesn't even fucking pretend and she is the hero. She's that lady who jumped on top of the pressure cooker at the Boston bombing to make she just like, man, what? She opens her mouth twice. It's like, I don't understand Christmas caroling anyway. Personally, it's weird to me. Like, first of all, I don't understand Christmas caroling anyway. Personally, it's weird to me. Like, first of all, I don't think you're supposed to invite them into your house. Right? They're just supposed to stand on the porch.

But so they invite them into their house and they just stand there. And it's literally like three feet from your face. People are singing at you and you're supposed to just sit there and smile like it's enjoyable for you. It's literally my version of hell, like my worst nightmare. And so it's extra weird to me that they're like, let's do a whole scene in this movie

where not only do we have to awkwardly sit around listening to people who can't sing, saying, but the audience has to awkwardly sit around listening to us listening to people who can't sing. And then I just have to talk about this one moment because it's so important to me. Martha comes out with cookies for the carolers and the scene is nonsense. It doesn't matter. But one of the kids tries it and fails to get a cookie. Yes. And then they send them all the fuck out It is it is the best short film I have seen Okay, I just okay, you know what I get one of these from the animal fucking cooking All right, so yeah, so they give each and I love the idea of that five of these kids get like

Presence and couple nice nights in a mansion and shit and the rest of them get a cookie. But yeah, so they give all these orphans a cookie, send them on their way. And then everybody's like, all right, time to give daddy and mommy a hug and go to bed. And I'm like, okay, this is getting weird and porny again. Stop it. Also, I guess I didn't realize that we were supposed to be in this gigantic mansion at this point. And I'm just like, what this guy has five extra bedrooms and his fucking house. Yeah. And this is the part where I'm like, oh, they're totally going to fuck now. Like,

obviously, what do you do? You're like an extra playing a guy's wife overnight. Like, where is this going to go? Yeah. Like, I'm very interested to see where this goes, but of course, then they're like, we made up a spare bedroom for you. And I'm like, of course, they did because it's so fucking Christy. Yeah. Well, no, that's why I put my break here, right? Because it's the only time anyone's ever curious what's going to happen next at any point.

I'm sorry. You can cut all that out there. Sorry. No, no, whereas I think they figured out there wasn't going to be any fucking in it We'll be fine. All right, well, the kids have gone to bed and now pretend mommy and pretend daddy are still up So either it's about to get interesting or Care already ruined it and we already know that your presenting is still directing it We'll find out after the break when we return for the excite list conclusion of the borrowed Christmas.

Excite list. Hey, Cara, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, Eli, what's up? So it's about Steve Nevella. What about him? You know the green river killings of the 1970s and early 1980s? Sorry, real quick, you have something stuck in your teeth.

Oh, I do, I hate that. Yeah, yeah, you do. Uh, do I get it? No. Uh, how I know. No, still no. Ah, do you have one of those floss pick things with a little spike?

Do you have one of those? No, Eli, you should try Quip. Uh, okay, you look like if Topanga could read. No, no, Quip, you know, the electric toothbrush you hear about all the time. It's their sleek reusable floss pick that you'll want to try next. Wait, what's a reusable floss pick? Well, the durable handle is easy to guide. It restrings with just a click and it comes with a compact mirror dispensing case for on the go. Plus a single refill pod replaces over 180 single use plastic flossers, so it's better

for your teeth and the environment. Oh, that sounds great. Yeah, plus Quip also delivers brush heads, floss, and toothpaste refills every three months from five dollars. Shipping is free, so you can save money and skip the store. Wow, just five bucks. That's right. And if you go to getquip.com slash awful right now, you'll get your first refill free.

That's your first refill free at get quip.com slash awful spelled G E T Q I P dot com slash awful. That's awesome. I'm going to get it right now. Wait, what were you going to say about Steve? Oh, yeah, he's the green river killer trying out to be alone with him. I think he's on to me, stopping before he kills again. Blah, blah, blah. I'm going to go get to be alone with him. I think he's on to me. Stop him before he kills again blah blah blah.

I'm gonna go get a floss pick. Okay, got it. Thanks. K. Alright, kids, are you ready for the tradition of reading the Christmas story? Oh, right. Dad, like we do every year. Of course. That's right. Okay, so once upon a time, there was a young girl named Mary. She was 14, just like you, Lety.

Wow. One night, an angel came to her and said, I bring good news. God has raped a baby into you. Into a 14 year old? Well, I be 14 max. Right. Like, traditionally, it was 11, but that sort of of scooched up in recent years, you know. Hey, Dad, why don't we read a different story?

Don't be silly. Don't be silly. This is a great one. At first, Mary was afraid, but the angel said, be not afraid for your son comes to save the world. Save the world? Yes, through blood sacrifice for the sins of all man. Blood sacrifice? Seriously?

Yeah, the angel said, your son will suffer each and every pain and stab that man can give him to please himself, his father, who is also a ghost, so that we don't all boil in a lake of fire forever. Maybe we should just go to bed. Yeah, we should do that. Okay, but if you go to bed, you're gonna miss the part with the poop bread. Yeah, I think that's okay.

That's more poop bread for us. In that right, Jimmy. I deeply regret helping you. You sound like my doctor. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin our story with Anne telling Mr. Dale that she has a few more presents for them to wrap together. Oh God, I really hope that they were going to have an actual authentic couple present

wrapping here. Okay, the kids are asleep. All that's left to do is wrap the presents. Oh, okay. They didn't do gift wrapped at the store. The line was so long. Come on, this will be fine. Yeah, okay, okay. No, you need more than that. Oh, like this much? No, no, don't cut it like that. Just one long line.

I have no idea what that means. One long line. Slide the scissors. Slide the... Okay, you know what? How about you cut the paper and I will wrap. Fine, fine. What are you doing? I am wrapping. That looks terrible. Well then maybe you should have married someone who works at Papyrus. That sounds great. Maybe someone at Papyrus can find my G-Spot.

I hate your mother. Wow, that was a quick, that was the quickest we've ever gone doodly do after an interstitial break. That was impressive. That's impressive. So they have this weird, like, because it's, you know, it's pretend Christmas. So they're having this pretend Christmas wrapping thing

where she's like, I got this one for the paper boy because again, Chip Rosetti has no idea how humans work. Oh, everything about this is amazing because they do systematically go through each child, right? They're like, who's this for? Oh, look at this sled that looks like a bathtub. That's for one of the children. And then they're like, oh, Martha loves lilac.

So I bought her drugstore perfume. That's what I was like, lilac. And then he's like, ooh, maybe I could give this to her in lieu of her bonus. And she's like, you don't be an asshole. We're gonna give her a bow. Again, how am I supposed to feel about this character? We just wanted to substitute dollar store perfume box

for a Christmas goddamn bonus. I know. Like if he's writing this thinking, this is a good guy. Yeah, like people are gonna love him. Again, the world through chippers at his eyes wear lilac is the classiest perfume. No, no, no. this bath bomb comes with a necklace inside of Christmas. This is from the beyond of bed bath and beyond.

Yeah, exactly. That's what a rich guy would get. Oh, I love to. So they, because they had set up the lilac thing, right? Earlier, because she loved the lilac, but cuz they had set up the lilac thing right earlier because she loved the lilacs But they hadn't set up anything for Bridget. So so she has these like little booties I think I've no other way to describe him. She has these little booties and she's like guess who these are for and and he goes I don't know and she's like who's always stomping around the house and he goes oh Bridget so she won't be a stompy What also Some porn yeah, they got house and he goes, oh, Bridget, so she won't be a stumpy. What? Also some porn. Yeah, they got her.

Okay. That's not most of those are so very clearly library books with the dust covers taken off of them. But yeah, she's like, huh, I got her some porn. She can rub her clit off to these. Let me tell you. Sand that shit smooth. This is the good stuff.

Oh Jesus. Oh yeah. And the watch. There's like a weird, yes, where they don't know a nice brand. But it's so weird because she's basically like, we got our son this watch. And he's like, wow, that looks expensive. I'm not sure I feel about that. She's like deal with it. They're playing brand chicken because these two actors in the script don't know what they didn't know Rolex. So he's like, what watch did you get him and she's like the best one and he's like, hmm. Yes, the best watch, which would be the model you're looking at exactly. Well, what I love is that we can't see anything, right? They're just looking into a box going like, wow,

they're sure as a very expensive watch. And this much, no, you can't look, you just trust us. There's expensive watch. And I'll tell you what expensive watches look like. Covered in pleated with, they have hands numbers. Oh, God. Probably. Oh, I bet fancy ones don't have numbers. All right.

So then, so mom takes Ledy upstairs. Ledy has fallen asleep in front of the Christmas tree because she's narcoleptic. So mom takes her upstairs. And then it occurs to Mr. Dale that he doesn't have a present to give to his pretend wife. Oh right, because he sees his present under the tree. Right. And he's like shit.

And then instead of going like, but then again, I'm paying for all this so it makes sense that I would get presents and they wouldn't. He's like, I've got it. He turns to one of his, his maize and he says, go get me the sapphire brooch. Now, keep in mind, they could have said anything. The clear, go get me the brooch with the blue precious stones. Right, the blue ones.

Because it's the sapphire bro. So I know so little about jewelry, but I know that sapphires are blue. And they bring out this brooch and it is, you know that shitty coffee store slash gift store in every small town across our fine nation and they make their own jewelry that still has hot glue very They would not sell this Which they are gonna pretend for the rest of the movie is nice. Yeah, the stones in it are like I can't quite tell if they're brown or purple like a poopy purple And the stones in it are like, I can't quite tell if they're brown or purple, like a poopy purple.

Right, but they're not blue. No, they're definitely not blue. They're like probably like a knockoff amethyst, or like a knockoff termally, maybe like a brownish kind of cloudy. It's not a good looking brooch, and it's the opposite of blue. And I just don't understand like,

this is one of the easiest things to fact check. Right. And also just how is it that a house full of people, none of them know that sapphires are blue? Well, or do they all know that? They got into a big ass argument with Chip Roseheading, and eventually they're like, you know what, you're paying the fucking bills, man,

that's a sapphire approach, whatever. Fine, fine. It's a sapphire approach. Yeah, right. What an ugly. it's a sapphire approach. Yeah. What is the movie? This is going to end up on prime anyway. All right. So now she comes down and she's like, well, the kids are down for the night. And then all the like the maids and all the characters joined together in this big

rousing chorus of you guys are going to sleep in separate rooms tonight and not have sex. This is a Christian movie. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I put a bummy out a little bit. Super bummy out. Yeah. Because by the way, the actors found out at the same time.

They were like, I guess now we puffa fuck and the mates are like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this house apparently has at least three spare bedrooms, right? At least. And it could be like seven. Exactly. Well, it is an enormous mansion. Maybe just we can't tell from that one room. You don't know how big it is. For sure.

You go on forever. You don't know. Yeah, okay. So now it's, we cut to Christmas morning. They're using silent night again. God damn it. No copyright on that bad boy. So we open on Dale, like looking longingly at the tree. Like he's about to beat off on it. Bukaki style or something. And then, And then all the kids have to come in with their eyes closed. Now, all the presents were already under the tree the night before.

It looks the exact same in the morning. Yeah. Okay. All right. Just make it sure. I really wanted them to come in. And when they open their eyes, he has a gun in his mouth. Oh my god. You're dead. I put a note next to a butt dryer Christmas. Every time Jesus, I watched that whole documentary, Eli. You just need to watch the video. You don't need a whole documentary. All right. So then we then we proceed to spend the rest of the movie watching a family

have a boring Christmas. The fucking worst Christmas. It's okay. First of all, you know what goes great with microphones is super crinkly paper. Just get the crinkly and a goddamn wrapping paper you can find guys. Please and take your fucking time. Make sure everything's taped up real good. And so they all open up scarves and they're like cool scarves because they're fucking children and children don't want scarves for Christmas. And then there's this weird scene. This like really weird scene where the sun gives the data book called the world's

greatest men. Yep. And then he's like they should have written a chapter about you, dad. And I'm like, I think this might be a Jordan Peel movie. Like, something really weird is about to happen. Absolutely. And the daughter, the older daughter gives him, again, keep in mind, she knows that he's not related to her. So she gives her parents a headshot of her.

Yes. A framed picture of herself. It's the weirdest. And by the way, the son, he gets the dad, the fake dad, a book about the world's gracements, the fake mom, he got Portuguese sonnets. Because because chip Rosetti is like, what a smart, what's a smart present? Portuguese sonnets. Oh, never be able to read.

What the hell? Well, I mean, I guess we're gonna set up at some point that there would be a reason for that, but no, she's like, ooh, Portuguese sonnets. Did you just buy the thickest book with a ruler? What the fuck are you picking, man? It's, and then I want to talk about when he opens the photo. Oh, he opens the photo. He opens the photo and he's like, oh my gosh,

how did you find this, right? Because you don't know me, you're not my wife. This is a picture of my childhood home and she's like, I am your wife after all, but she's not. He's sure I'm sure I was like this. She is my wife. And she's like, I am your wife after all, but she's not. He's trusting the showers like this. She is my wife. And she's not.

She does that multiple times in the scene where she's like a mother knows. And it's like, ew, what? What the fuck is going on? These aren't your children. So my favorite thing about this entire scene is the fact that for just a minute, while they're opening presents,

they call Bridget and Martha in to open their presents and then send them back to work. It's Christmas when do Martha and Bridget not having any children or fans or cousins, but no, they're at God damn work. One of them had to make breakfast. Yep, yep, yep. This is so fucked up and the mother fucker was gonna take away her bonus. make breakfast. Yep. Yep. Yep.

This is so fucked up. And the mother fucker was going to take away her bonus. Yep. Yep. So fucked up. And it's like, and they give her like the glory, you know, Martha opens up the perfume and she's like, every good country girl loves LaLic. She says, LaLic.

I can't with the LaLic. And then the other man, they're like, yeah, we got to use some shitty stuff too. And she's like, it's cool. My character's not developed at all. Yeah, my boots, I guess we, yeah, sure, I would have boots. Oh, she's, and then, yes, so he gets his pictures of his, of his old house. And then he has to give his, his wife, the brooch, which is meant to be like a family heirloom. And in case you didn't get it, one of the children's like, that looks like an heirloom. That be like a family heirloom and in case you didn't get it one of the children's like that looks like an heirloom

That looks like a family heir Sticks raise oh my god So then willies like I'm hungry and they're like yeah the starving orphan and we get it and so they all go to have breakfast 80% of the presents are still unwrapped under the tree. They're like, yeah, fuck those ones and go for waffles. All right. So now, I guess it's later in the day, all the kids are sitting around. They're playing checkers and joining the Christmasness of it all. And I'm left reflecting on the fact that like that weird aspect of Christmas that like all the Christmas shit is done at 10, 14 AM. But then you're still stuck with everybody all fucking

day and nobody's really thought it through. Yeah. So there is that part of Christmas. This is also where we learn the vital fact that Willie is Heath and Wright's origin story because Willie wins checkers and he's like, I won, fuck you, fuck your face. And I was like, wait a second, hungry all the time. I won the game, fuck your face and I was like, wait a second, hungry all the time. she's like, and we'll pay you guys all for your time. And they're like, it's some of the kids,

we're like, oh, we don't need any money. He's a lonely old man, and we should help him for free for Christmas. And now all the kids want to give away their child labor for free, right? Even willy. Yep, yeah, even greedy-ass heath. It's the weirdest scene.

This scene is like freaking me out. It's like a bad episode of Black Mirror. Like you're watching it. Right. And you're just like, this is supposed to be heartwarming, I think, and this guy's deranged head. This is like a sweet thing.

But it's actually really, really dark. Like really dark. Right. No, they're like, we should volunteer for slavery. Yeah, and then it's like, hey, I really enjoyed all this time where I lived out my like pseudo pornographic, pseudo homicidal fantasies. But now I'm going to send you back to the orphanage where you can be poor. Back to the order. That is what they are discussing. For so first

of all, there's so much talk about here. We learned that Mr. Dale and Jimmy who are not fucking related, they do not know each other. They have been gone for an hour. Anything that they are doing besides fucking each other is terrifying. Right, no, okay. Either they're fucking or Mr. Dale is burying him in an icy shallow grave. No, you're right. Fucking is the most normal, most healthy thing that the possibly would do.

He's over 18, he's a full adult. You know, like that would be just the healthiest, I would be like, okay, this is like a progressive, interesting movie now, but no. Sure, no. The least creepy possible answer. Hey guy, to pretend to be your turn of the century son and fuck him, I can't.

I can't. Imagine how much less terrifying that would be then. So how's the college you don't go to a hundred years ago? Oh, well, that I sure remember a hard time with science, that they have that yet. Who the fuck knows? And I love that when they come back in, they're like, how was it?

And all they have to say is cold. Yeah, because they were fucking. It was cold. And then they're just rubbing their hands creepily for like minutes. Like whole minutes. But yeah, just to be clear, because I know I jumped ahead,

we determined they've been gone for an hour. And so Mrs. Weston and the main character is going to sneak the children out of the house, one by one, back to the orphanage until Mr. Dale realizes all he's all alone. Yep. She might as well be like, and then he's going to open one last box which we leave him with a gun and a sink.

Oh, that would be the best end to this movie. Oh, my God, it would be like the mist. Yeah. It's like the worst movie with the best ending of all time. Absolutely. Well, I love so okay. So all the kids are like, but we don't want to go back and live an abject poverty now that we've been in the mansion.

And she's like, yeah, no, I get that Martha is devastated. She says she'll come and visit the kids in the orphanage all the time. Yeah, they have a little area where you can walk them and play with them. It's like pet smart. All right. So yeah, so Mr. Dale is back in the sun's back or Jimmy's back, whatever the hell he is. And they have to have like the big hugs all around. Everybody's sadly leaving now.

They give Mr. Dale big snotty hugs on his nice sports coach. And he's like, all right, bye guys. Have fun being unloved and homeless. It's so bad. And then the music kicks in now most of this time, as Cara said, this has just been Chip Rosetti's nephew and his piano lessons. He's practicing his Doh Ray, me's or whatever.

And now suddenly, their friend who plays the guitar starts singing and you miss that God damn piano lessons so quickly. You're like, oh, how about silent night again, guys? That's still duty free, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Just because the lyrics to this song are about burning in a lake of fire, if you don't believe in Jesus, doesn't mean that this youth pastor isn't trying to fuck the shit out of us. Oh, yeah.

This is moody. This goes there. And then during this like guitar singer, songwriter, nonsense, there's a flashback scene to like a few minutes ago. Yes. And so like we already had to watch the whole fucking movie. I don't want to watch parts of it in slow mo black and white again. Oh, God, they are so desperate to get to that actual 30 minute mark there.

Yeah. I checked. These scenes are from like 11 and 14 minutes ago, but he's flashing back to him in black and white. Damn it. There are. See like that. And you know what? I'm going to go ahead and say it. I feel like he should have been here this week. He would have finished this movie and yelled at some kid to buy the biggest goose at the market when he was done. Yeah. And I love there. Okay. So the little girl, letty, forgot her doll, right? So he picks up the doll and he looks longing and he added. He thinks about, you know, he flashed back

to earlier in the movie. And then he puts that framed photograph of the oldest quote, unquote daughter on his mantle. Like he's just going to keep that on his mantle and people are going to come by and they're going to say, who is just your daughter? And he's just going to keep that on his mantle and people are going to come by and they're going to say who is just your daughter and he's going to go no it's just some kid I rented a few years ago right what is he going to tell people Jesus and so we kind of all know where this is going right there's there's really just two options there's the end of the mist with the gun in the mouth so good, so good. Which is basically the same thing as like the movie's just over. He's like, go back to the orphanage now. I'm alone again and buy, which is actually like kind of genius and really creepy.

Or, you know, the super fantastical, Christy version, where of course he decides that this is the life he's always wanted. So he has to work up to that. First, it's the lady saying, I can't take your money. So I'm just gonna cover my expenses and here's the rest of it back. And he does not protest this by the way. He's like, cool, thank some cheap.

Yep, I wasn't gonna give you a Christmas bonus anyway. Yeah, and she's like, here's the brooch back. It would be really fucking weird for me to keep like your dead mom's brooch. And for some reason, he's like, oh no, keep it anyway. If you don't want it, you can give it to your favorite charity, which we all know is the orphanage law. And I'm like, I don't get it. I don't get any of this.

Why is this happening? Yeah. Well, okay. And then she says like, he's like, by the way, she's about to leave like three times they give that she, she goes to leave and he goes, wait. And she turns around and he's like, hey, by the way, she's about to leave. Like three times they give up that she goes to leave and he goes, wait, and she turns around and he's like, I do you ever receipt or something because my account is gonna want?

But so the second time, he's like, I'm sorry, you haven't even asked if I was satisfied with the Christmas that I rented from you. And she says, oh, were you satisfied? And he's like, no, I wasn't. And it was gonna go into this whole, like it's supposed to be this, like, like no I wasn't and it was gonna go into this whole like it's supposed to be this like No, I wasn't satisfied because it's made me realize that this is the hole in my heart That's been missing this whole time at you whatever but before he can finish it. She just goes off on him for four fucking minutes

I'm a fucking picture of your old shitty house Mother fuck yeah, I have a fucking picture of your old shitty house That smells like a dead body I found a sister Raw dog in all night long They had anal sex in the room next to me Here then having anal sex in the room next to me. I can hear them having anal sex in the room next to me. And this goes on for so long.

And finally she runs out of breath and he's like, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there was a second half to what I realized I have phrased this Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Yeah, and it's like I still am confused about where you're going with this sir. Oh There was a very late shift into Christianity at the last minute here. Yeah It's like that weird Christian view that like Jesus is in the sheets with you. Yeah, right It's like it makes me so uncomfortable. Oh my god. Yeah, so he says he wants to adopt all of those kids even the ones that are college age. I know. Like, can we just take a second to break this down? He's basically like, I'm going to adopt all the children and she's like, Oh, that's so wonderful. There's no conversation here about the fact that rich people can't just buy children.

It doesn't work like that. No. But you have to fill out forms and you have to prove that you're like a worthy adult, you know, that you're trustworthy. And I'm guessing have you ever rented a child is on that floor? And like you said, you can't adopt adults. No, two of you have the children are adults. What is this ancient fucking room? Well, and then okay, all right. How the children are adults. What is this ancient fucking Rome? I can, and then okay, all right.

And then so she's like, oh, good, you're gonna adopt the children, but now he needs his wife, right? So he turns to her and he says, this is the actual line again. This is how Chippers and he thinks the English language works. He says, wait, there's another thing,

and she's like, there's another thing. And he says, because there's something else, this is an exact fucking chorus with you. because there's something else I want in my life that I want Christ at the center of. Which is, which is his lead into will you marry me? But okay, if aliens came in right at that moment and then kidnapped these two characters and the last two minutes of the movie was just a still shot of the empty room It would not have gotten weirder seriously that actually would have been great That would have been great

Jesus fucking and then oh by the way there's all this is so this great moment where she's like yes I will marry you and we can adopt all five of those kids. Wait, wait, do you want to adopt all of them, but Willie, because we can do all but Willie, we have that choice. No, I was kidding too. I also was kidding about leaving Willie at the orphanage. You're right. Okay. All right. Just test in the water. Oh my God. And there's no conversation ever about whether this woman is like married already has her own children like life. No, well, as she's leaving, she goes, Oh, you know, John, there's something I need to tell you. And I wrote my nose, please let it be

that she's already married. Please let it be that she's already married. Like my husband and I just really needed the money and we had a really intense conversation about whether I was gonna do this in decent proposal style. And we just saw it that it was gonna have to smack more against this year. I was really shocked actually.

I feel like I should go fuck somebody now. I mean, we had the whole conversation. I had your permission and everything. And then the maids come back and they're so thrilled. And I can't get over the fact that, first of all, they're not maids, they're housekeepers and housekeepers have their own families and their own lives. But we're just completely ignoring that. Yes, but then Martha's very excited. She gives a he style who, woo, and then the movie ends. But we have to keep watching because there's a blooper reel in the credits, right?

I didn't, I couldn't, I didn't watch it. I let it play, but I was like looking at the wall. It was guys, no lie. Yesterday when I watched this movie earlier in the day, I went to the dentist and got a crown. I got multiple injections in my jaw and then I got my wisdom tooth drilled down and a crown fitted over the top of it. And this movie was more painful.

That I had at the dentist office. Well, okay, I feel bad for you for not watching through the blooper reel, because it was amazing. It wasn't exactly a blooper real. It was just the lead actress fucking up one line 26 times over and over Again, and it's clearly there so the director can say like I know she said you know think it of and shit like that in In the script but look at look at what I had to work with Right and we went back for everything. I'd still be making this fucking movie and here's the thing in a blooper reel The other actors are like oh, ha ha wacky wacky the everyone's just bored and mad at her Yes, everybody's so very clearly ready to go to crafty which by the way

They they have all this little like thanks to all the restaurants they ate at and shit like that. And that was a sad little short story too. It was like and special thanks to the waffle hot and right at the end of the buffet at pizza hut turns out that if you agree in advance to buy whatever's left over, it's cheap. It was really fucking sad. Firehouse subs and Hossie and Mexican restaurant received special things. Yes, so sad. All right, but so okay, so seriously though, I asked this quite often, but I kind of mean

it this time. What was the moral of this story? Right? Like what message was being spent? What were we supposed to learn? That you don't have to, this to me is like, did you guys ever see Heaven's Gates Hell's Flames? No.

Okay, so this is a garbage play that's put on, I think by the Methodist Church, and I went and saw it when I was a child because my friend went to the church. And the message of the story is disgusting. It's basically, it's all grace and no works. So they show all these different vignettes of people dying horrible deaths

and then whether or not they end up at Heaven's gates or Hell's Flames. And so one of them is like a child molester, but he gives himself over to Jesus while he's in prison and so he goes to Heaven. And another is this like really loving giving like bus driver who's kind of slaved away as a bus driver, but is a non-believer.

And so they go to hell. It's like really dark. Yeah, it's really weird. And I feel like- I need to find a movie version and make us watch that. Yes, please. But I feel like this is kind of that because the story is it doesn't matter what a nightmare

you are, your entire life. You don't have to do any of the work. You don't have to put any work into building a relationship. You don't have to actually make the family. You don't have to have any problems or learn from your mistakes. So long as you're rich, you can just buy everything you want at the last minute

and it's fine. See, I was gonna say, why rent the cow when you can buy the milk for free? That's the best. That's the when you can buy the milk for free. Thank you. Well, all right. Well, that's going to do a viral review of the borrowed Christmas, but that's not going to do it for the episode, just yet, because we still need to rope you back in next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

When it determines toy company executive, Christie must learn about Hanukkah in a hurry to land a big account She lists the help of her co-workers friend Jonathan who happens to also be in desperate need of turning his bachelor pad into a Christmas wonderland to impress his girlfriend's father We're watching it missle toe and Minoros. Oh my God, that sounds so awful. All right. So with that, look forward to we're going to bring up. So 277 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Cara for her suffering alongside us this week to hear more from her. Be sure to check the show notes for a link to her podcast. Talk nerdy. It's awesome. If you don't already listen to it, that's really on you. Also, an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to get on your stuff among their ranks, you can go to Per Episode donation

at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're an early access to an extended and every version of can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby run early access to an extended and every version of every episode. You can also help it toon by link list five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scanning ideas citation, the D&D minus and the skeptic right available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com,

legal services for this podcast provided by the law, this is a PN Drittor, and Tim Roberts and take scare of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting and people with traps on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and most Legal Services for this podcast provided by the law if this is a PN Drift or Instagram or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Dr or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Dr or if this is a PN Drift or if this is a PN Drift That's the last time I don't check the URL really closely when I go to redtube.com to watch porn. Every character in this movie turned out to be a serial killer. Ha ha! Chip Razzetti has made more than a dozen other movies. Oh God. And we're going to watch every fucking one of them.

If it's the last thing I do. Anti-V series. Mini series. Documentary. There's so much. Let's just do it. They're actually, let me do it live. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020

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