God Awful Movies - 278: Mistletoe and Menorahs

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

This week, guest masochist Rachel Wax joins us for an atheist review of "Mistletoe and Menorahs", the story of a woman who has no non-Christmas knowledge and an American who has somehow barely ever heard of it and their incredibly boring first couple of dates. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

There's a reason why there are zero restaurants in the history of the universe that serve Jewish food to non-Jewish people. Delis, excuse me, Delis, we stole those, but to be fair, they are now their Jewish. They're Jewish now. Yeah, well, you can't get a ham and cheese there. And bagels are not really bagels Again, but our Okay, yeah, I mean that's the point. They're like the West Bank of food Not awful movie Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby.

Ooby, ooby, ooby. Welcome back to The Gamecast. We're each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, except when we're feeling retro. I'm your host Noah Luzion. He will be unable to join us today, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Hi, I'm fantastic Noah. 100 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am fantastic Noah. You know who's an incredible actor. No idea. Nobody from this fucking movie. No, nobody. Nobody. No, not, not remotely really kind of fucks up that whole format that Heath does. And we're excited to welcome back this week's guest massacres Rachel Wax. It's either a comedic magician or a Magical comedian. I'm not really sure Rachel welcome back. I'm so happy to be back and I just I feel my heart is so warm after watching this movie because I didn't think that I was good at writing But it looks like a green writer looks like it doesn't fucking matter All right, so tell us Rachel what will we be breaking down today? We watched Missl Toe and Menora, the story of the most boring human beings learning about

extraordinarily basic holiday droops that they somehow didn't know about until their early 30s. What the fuck was that? This is the, like these people, like, I keep feeling like there was a prequel where they went through Timers something or came from another dimension. I kept waiting for there to be some conflict and it just never came Yeah, no, I was expecting a backstory about head injuries for the both of them never go. Yeah, exactly exactly Our curse by an evil elf that Santa had spurned it's a way. Literally nothing. No, no, just these people were just somehow unaware of holidays.

Okay. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Christmas, but you were literally born yesterday, you will love this movie. This movie would be an excellent educational film for an easily offended alien. Exactly. And we're going to talk about this a lot. I'm sure it's one thing that Christie are protagonist. The lady doesn't know about Hanukkah. I get it. America, the Jews are our dirty little secret, but we're supposed to believe that our male protagonist, whose name I did not bother to fucking learn, is a Jew living in New York city who's never heard of and is unaware of Christmas.

Yeah, right. Right. No, like he might as well be pronouncing it Christmas when the first shows up in the film. Truly, that is what I thought. And I've never celebrated Christmas going up, but you know where I live, America. Right. So I knew everything about Christmas forever. Yeah.

What the fuck? It's not like he was from elsewhere. It's not like he grew up in Israel. And this was his first year in a marathon. Yeah. All right. So anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? year in a minute. Yeah. All right. So anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I want to nominate this for being the best worst Jewish things written

by non Jews. Oh, for sure. They could find a single Jewish writer in the TV. There was nothing in it that they were like, Oh, you let the candles, right? Like there was nothing going on here. That was actually true. All right. So I was going to go, this is a bit of a curveball, but I was going to go with best worse blatant metaphor for romance between Eli and myself. Right. Listening. Right. It's, it's, you know, he's got an annoying order in Starbucks. He gets angry and pissy with people in line. He's a comedic writer that doesn't know how to punctuate. He's a punctuation, pen, they can't write enough comedy.

If only they could get together. There are so many moments in this movie where I'm like, okay, well, that's now you're just being blatant about. Hey Noah, did you write this movie? I am offended like I have never been offended. And see, I was gonna go with best worst bad boyfriend. I love him so much. Yeah.

Look, every lifetime hallmark, whatever the fuck channel this shit was spit out of, movie needs a bad boyfriend, right? For the female protagonist to have, right? But they write this bad boyfriend so lazily that essentially what makes him bad boils down to not coming to pre-pre Christmas Eve. The end. Yeah. Yeah. Man, do they sell that as the worst thing in the universe? It was, it was quite lovely. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, there's a ton of shit that Rachel and Eli are going to have to explain to me coming up. And they'll probably need me to tell them what reads, slides, and trees are. So we're going to pause for a minute to study up. And when we come back,

we'll dive into all the script by numbers. Bullshit. Missile Toe and Menorahs From the makers of Missile Toe and Menorah I love you, Chat. And I love you, Hava. Comes the story about two worlds joining together. Are you ready to meet my parents? Uh-oh. And how learning and love aren't so different after all.

Okay, so my aunt just got a nose job, so make sure you say how young she looks, but do not mention the nose job. But I've never met her before. Doesn't matter. Okay, also grandma doesn't need sugar, fat, oil, wheat, meat, or dairy, but you should bring a chocolate cake. Wait, why would I do that if she doesn't eat? So she can eat something only because you brought it. So she does eat dairy and wheat? No, pay attention. This Christmas, Missile Tell, I had pepped up his mall. Can I have a blowjob now?

No. No. No, no. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. And we're back and we're gonna open up on a logo that is desperately trying to get you to mistake it for some real production company's logo, right? The exact average of nine other logos.

Is this a musical? Guys, the credit thinks it's a musical. I genuinely thought this was going to be a musical. And the logo, I completely agree. It looks like whoever made it, separated out each letter of every word and used five different fonts. That's... All right, so we're gonna open up in New York City where this movie will selectively take place. I just wrote in my notes, I miss not here.

Yeah. Yeah. And then we, my notes, I miss not here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. And then we, now we're gonna meet our protagonist. Now this person wakes up at 6.25 AM. So I already cannot relate to them in any fucking way. But beyond that, she wakes up smiling at 6.25 AM. I was so infuriated by this.

She woke up with a full face of makeup, her hair done with a big smile. I like, cunt. That was my first bump. Like, fucking coin. Who wakes up like that? I look like a gargoyle who crawled out of a drain and a Stephen King novel in the morning. Who are you? Because it's morning.

Yeah. And then, and then this is weird to me. She wakes up. She's got this little advent calendar sitting right next to her bed. So the first thing she does in the morning is eat a piece of chocolate with like morning breath. Yeah. Wouldn't it taste like morning breath? There's a spectrum for how into Christmas you're allowed to be. And on the either end is infinite sadness. She's got the two into Christmas and then we're going to learn that. Now I've never celebrated Christmas, but like the few times my roommate has brought an

advent calendar home. You do it at night, right? Like it's a little like nighttime chocolate treat. Like who's waking up in the morning is like, you know what I could go for? Really shitty CVS chocolate. That's exactly like at this time. A Ferrero Shay. Exactly.

A generic lens. Morning food, right? Quick, before I brush my teeth. Yeah, okay. So we can't, we follow her to work. We shoehorn in a couple other characters. We get her friend, right? I just wrote friend, sister, person, coworker.

It's her coworker friend. Yeah, exposition wall to play tennis. Oh, yeah, it's that's it exactly. And then just for no reason the friend, while she's talking to her on the phone, is like, I'm looking at my son's teacher who is hot and Jewish. He's not hot. He is Jewish. He's not hot.

He is Jewish, he's not hot. Can confirm not hot, just very clearly the hottest actor that they could afford. Yes. That's how actors are priced, right? Like by track and this. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

All right, I want somebody on it like a seven on, oh, yeah, oh, can I get a six? And they definitely ticked the box for real Jew, which limited their results down to like four guys and I'm two of them. So they were like, I guess we're going with this guy. Oh, yes. All right. So now we cut to an office filled with Christmas spirit to an insane degree. This office is a fucking riff, refriolation. This office is a fucking rift refilation. And the very first thing that's gonna happen is these actors horrifyingly failing at a almost dropped my paper pantomime.

Yes. Oh my God. Yes, because she's so lazy. Desperately dropping this paper for like 18 seconds before the other actors like, oh shit, I was having a donut. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, it's great and let me tell you I've worked in a lot of corporate offices in this country And let me tell you none of them decorate this much for the holidays

They would get in trouble and also they don't want to spend the money on it. This does not exist corporate offices in this country Don't decorate this much for a mass shooting that took place in that office country don't decorate this much for a mass shooting that took place in that office. Yeah. Yeah, but okay. So we quickly established that she's got a big presentation this morning and she's going to get the big promotion if she gets this new client. Yeah, I missed this part because the, I guess, villain of the movie, the boss's assistant was distracting me because he had apparently

just walked out of a drag show and didn't have time to get out of his makeup. Did you see this actress eyeshadow? Yeah. It was insane. It was a little over. I thought he had a black eye. I thought he had just gotten hit. Oh, that's entirely possible.

Yeah, maybe they just filmed it out of order or something. But yeah, yeah, but the business is very business business. And this was bound to happen eventually, right? We have watched a whole bunch of these fucking movies. She walks into this presentation and I realized that suddenly it's a business that I actually know about Oh, and it's just as painful as I always figured it would be her job is literally the job I had when I started Podcasting she's a toy designer for and so she walks walks into this meeting and she does the job I've done like 800 fucking times in front of a bunch of guys in suits and shit to present your ideas for toys. And they have no idea how any of that works.

You cannot any any way define who is what in this relationship. She's going like, we'll do all the design and the marketing all you do is Supply the plastic in the rubber. I'm like well then is he a fucking rubber whole Sailor why are you bitch? I am none of this makes sense By the way, we have now finished this movie. I still don't know what she does. No. Yeah or him what company is this? What service are they offering? We'll do the company ring for you. Then what would they do?

I just, you just sit there and be the boss man. You're the boss boss. If you told me this scene was written after someone was shown a toy through a plate glass window and then it had to improvise some there. Having never seen one before, it makes a ton of sense. Oh, Jesus Christ, that was, it was so bad. And I thought about that. And I'm like, oh, make, because you know, we've watched movies about every different business and shit. And I think like, man,

there are some people that are watching every one of these having this much pain and suffering. And suddenly I could see eye to eye. Yeah, also, are we going to talk about this guy's beard? It was literally the top half of it was red and the bottom half was white. He has like a Christmas ombre beard. It was very distracting.

I don't know what went wrong. Was it a salon issue? Does it grow that way? But we can't just ignore it. The movie skates right over it. Yeah, like he started to color up but then he lost his interest in it or he ran out of stuff. He's like, hmm, in straight line. I thought one bottle would do the trick. Okay. But yeah, after she does her little pitch, that's this fucking

Neapolitan bearded guy turns to her and she says, you know what I took from that is that you sure to love the holidays. Which is the fucking, gah! This is the craziest thing to take from her presentation. You hit really, ew! Yeah, so he says, you know what, it occurred to me while you were presenting this, that you should come to my holiday party and she's like, I'm an expert in the holidays

and he's like, good, I'll put you in charge of some of the events at my holiday party. But what was also so crazy is he wasn't like just come to the holiday party. He was like, come hit your ideas at our holiday party. You know that thing that's supposed to be a fun break for everyone who's been working hard all year. Let's surprise them with work at that event. Okay, to be fair, he is Jewish.

That's pretty accurate. All right, we've all had Jewish bosses. Fair, that's fair. All right, who wants to do some fun Christmas inventory? So. My favorite part of this scene was when she found out she got invited to the party. She gave herself a high five. Now I don't know if she was planning on killing herself later or was surprised that she then had to

it's very exciting alright so now it's time for us to meet dude bro boyfriend so i think our her name is christie she calls her boyfriend and you know he can't even be bothered to stop working out to talk to her. Doosh, beg. Good. Bad boy friend. Weird. Yeah.

So no, and what I love so much about this scene is the idea is that she's supposed to be calling and explaining what happened in the last scene, but what happened in the last scene makes no sense logistically so she can't. Literally, it is entirely nonsensical. he's like did you get it and she's like yes, but I have to come up with a toy line. Then what were you pitching? What? What was that then?

Then what did you do? I was pitching us being the toy company now. But we're also supposed to like, we already get the idea he's not a great boyfriend because he says, do I get credit for being a supportive boyfriend? Which, fun fact, makes you not a supportive boyfriend. But also, she's like, oh, you're working out. You didn't have to pick up the phone. And he was like, well, I knew the call was important.

So I picked up and we're supposed to think he's like godly for this. Like this movie thinks that being a good boyfriend means picking up the phone sometimes. Is that why Heath is not on this episode? That's it. Well, we're gonna actually find out in the next scene why Heath isn't there because this is,

because this is also the second time that her and her friend have a little coffee exchange, a little coffee wink. Coffee humor, Gilmore wink. Coffee humor. Gilmore girls classic. Yeah. Shut up, Eli. Gilmore girls was not for you. Yeah.

I have an IQ that could be measured without a picture of an elephant, a man, a person, a camera, a camera. I don't like these personal attacks. All right. So, okay, wait, no, I want to step outside the format just a little bit here. For this next scene where the two friends go to the coffee shop, if you don't mind, I like for us to each just write down the first thing we wrote in the notes on this scene in the

order that we appear in the doc, I'll start. I wrote like her order is supposed to be comically involved, but it's literally and genuinely not as bad as Eli's normal Starbucks order. What did you write, Rachel? I wrote, as somebody who's gotten coffee for Eli a few times, this is literally Eli's coffee order. I'm glad we all had the same thought. And Eli, what did you write?

They stole my Starbucks order. I will see them. The amount of times that I have had to go into Starbucks and be like, and my friend wants it to be 110 degrees. Oh, she's so sweet. And I, and then I have to be like, he's a child. That's why. That's why he was a little baby.

She didn't want soy milk at least. Okay. So anyway, I know. Right. But, but the point of this scene is for them to have the, uh, oh, he's a Jew moment moment right? Yes, this is where we find out that she was confused that they were both speaking in vagaries that only would have made sense for the plot of this Right

Also, why would a Jewish person look at Christie who is a blonde Shixza defa fucking missionally and be like, this is a fellow Jew who likes Hanaka. Yeah, right in the fucking, in that corporate office that was filled to the brim with wreaths and Christmas trees and shit. Right. I don't know how he thought she would be in Hanika and also how did she not know he was Jimmy did he look at him?

He was very clear. She was like, uh, Joe, did you see his him? Yeah, right, right. But she turns to her friend and she's like, oh, no. And she means, oh, no, I've got to learn about Hanukkah, but this movie is so much better if you interpret it as her being a vicious anti-Semite and not one of the other things that you're doing. Oh, that's how I watched this movie. Was that not? so much better if you interpret it as her being a vicious anti-Semite and not one of the more than a dude. Oh, that's how I watched this movie.

Was that not? I let him touch my hand. So I need to rewrite my notes. Okay. All right. So, yeah. So they sit in the coffee shop and discuss the Jewish question. And her friend immediately points out that the conceit of this movie is beyond stupid

because she takes out her phone, Google's Hanukkah looks at it and is like, yep, there's all the information I need. Right, yeah, exactly all on one page. However will I learn about Hanukkah? So I just want to point out early on that for anybody listening who doesn't know this, Hanukkah, not a big deal holiday. Right, Karen. No Jews give a flying fuck about Hanukkah. It's only blown up because of Christmas. The theme of the party just needs to be blue and white.

And then you get some chocolate coins there. I did it, guys. I did it. I did it. And by the way, this isn't even her party. why is she acting like she needs to plan stuff. She she got invited five minutes ago I've I've been to a lot of like I've been to misspison ship But nobody ever like asked me to say a fucking prayer Not that's insane. Yeah, right right exactly

But but it is amazing, because this won't be the last time that some character in this movie will undercut the shit out of the plot by just going like, this is not complicated. No, I'm not hard. But of course she says like, all right, well, you Googling it couldn't make a movie. Oh, I know that hot teacher from earlier is Jewish.

He'll be the love interest. Let me ask my son's teacher. He's a fucking Jew. Oh, I know that hot teacher from earlier is Jewish. He'll be the love interest. Let me ask my son's teacher. He's a fucking Jew. Sorry, he's a Jewish. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a, you know, he's funny. He's very funny, saying New York. His pockets are full. It's so good. And as is his nose, I don't know with what. All right, so then in the next thing she's walking through with a snow and her dad calls her and he's like, come on, tell me the plot, you know, this is a Jesus.

This is just to sum it up in case grandma falls asleep in front of the hallmark movie. I understand why they need to do this. But every time this dad calls and she has a loud recap the plot FaceTime phone call with the dad. I just want her to bring up the like, so are you, uh, and mom finally going to see a counselor. Damn it. I told you no. I do wish that. Meanwhile, she's she explains the entire plot of the movie to him. And her dad's like, yeah, it doesn't really sound like a big deal. Yes. Yes. Sounds like you're attending a party.

I don't know. Sounds like a love love. Don't wear a Christmas tree. Don't wear a Christmas tree. Try not to wish everybody a Merry Christmas the whole time. Yeah. Also, I would just like to interject here. Her dad looks like he's 35 and he is smoking.

Oh, that's sad. Why? Hey, everybody, you should watch this movie to see who Rachel thinks a 35-year-old is. It explains a lot. This man is in his mid-60s and Rachel's like, oh, no, we should like. why don't you put that cane down so I can tell you what I want for Christmas dad.

I mean, boyfriend, husband, no, no, no, dude, can you stop looking through my porn? So it's a huge invasion of my privacy. No, but yeah, but so he spends the entire seat undercutting the plot going like, yeah, no, I'm sure he wouldn't expect you to be an expert. He didn't assume you were Jewish. I don't think there are probably no stakes at all in this movie. But this is also where we introduced the fact that he wants to make sure that she's coming to the, what he calls pre Christmas, Christmas Eve, Eve dinner or some convoluted shit like that.

So confused. Yeah, I'd make fun, but my family's Thanksgiving starts the Sunday beforehand. So I get it. I can't. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So she gets done talking to her dad sits down for some work.

She puts out some Christmas music, some lyrical Christmas music while she does her typing. Yeah. She goes Siri or whatever the hallmarked version of Siri, she's allowed to say is play holiday playlist 43 and the music we hear definitely a song on the 43rd playlist of all the songs. Yes. Yep. Actually, she didn't say Siri what she said was Rudolph. She named her fucking Alexa. Oh, wow. Rudolph. Because she just is so in love with Christmas. Yep, that is her singular personality trait in this film. Again, if you picture this character in June,

it's a dark, dark, depth of salesman, that's like, I was thinking about that because her apartment looks like the Christmas aisle of TJ Maxx. Yes. Like, I can smell the fake nutmeg candles that she's got burning. But like, where is she storing that the rest of the year? Right, because she lives in New York.

Or do you just have it up all the time? Right, I have to feel like she like throws like funerary black shrouds over the recent shit the rest of the year or something. There it is. Yeah, okay. So but then her boyfriend shows up, right? He brought a nice romantic hamburger for her. And then he turns on the, the, he walks in and he's like,

hey, honey, I brought you a burger, but quick, so nobody thinks that I'm the male love interest. Let me turn on the game, which is girl movie for bad. Yes, yeah, exactly. We're allergic to sports. Exactly. My eyes got itchy watching this move. And she's like, oh, you know, boy, I'll tell you what, if you could get me a coffee, that

would be great because this movie hasn't heard of coffee in the home. And he says, hey, I already got you one, but it's not the weird shitty coffee order that you like because I would be embarrassed to walk into a Starbucks and order that. And I get it. I get it. I know it's supposed to be he a Starbucks and order that and I get it. I get it. I know it's supposed to be he's a shitty boyfriend, but I get it. Hey, Noah, I know for a fact, Lucinda's coffee order and it is almost as sugar filled as mine. It is. And I've seen you order that with a straight face multiple times, sir. Multiple times. No, I mean, it is so dickie of him to be like, I brought you coffee, but one that I know you won't like

He's like presumably coming over to like help her and like feed her But then she ends up bringing him his dinner while he's watching the game. Oh, yeah No, clearly he's an asshole and he's there like distracting her with the foot with a basketball game Well, she's trying to do work, but like how is he more distracting than lyrical fucking music? I don't know I don't understand people to do that. I don't know and then she's like He's like, oh, how did the presentation go? She's like, well, I know I need to come up with a whole new toy line and I was like if you didn't Know that you had to do that for the presentate you're so bad at your job

Really bad at your you don't even know what your job is. Yeah, right, right exactly why are you trying to pitch yourself as a toy designer to this company if you have no ideas for too long? It was so weird. That is so step one of this business. I want to sell you my book. I haven't come up with a title or an idea for the plot yet. What you just tell me all you need to provide is the paper and all through the writing into print. You'll give me the paper and the letters and I will put together. Yeah. Bring me

to your home. I'll do this shit out of your religion. All right. So the next day she wakes up, but this time conspicuously devoid of holiday cheer, how she ever gonna learn enough about Hanaga in time. And it's time for their meet cute. Yes. Oh my god, you know. Oh, okay, so this is so sloppy because right, you have to start off with some kind of animosity between the two characters. That is the golden god damn rule of romantic comedies.

Well, if you don't, then there's going to be no conflict in the movie, Noah. In this one, yes, right. Exactly. It's not like a new conflict arises at some point, but yeah. So and then, and of course, it's the Eli and Noah meet cute, right? She's got her weird coffee order and he's making fun of it behind her in line and then she turns around and he has to do that. Oh, fuck, I didn't think she was going to turn around moment. Where's the lean into it? So weird. Yeah. But what's even better is they

wrote funny lines for not funny actors. I'm sure these people are nice, right? And they're both very attractive or at least the six are above. Okay. They don't need to be funny until they reach 40, maybe 50 years old or as Rachel would call it 21. So the fact that they wrote comedy for these two actors to do is just cruel because he's like, man, what a coffee order and she's like, you're a kike. And then they just call us and are like, meet your team. So what was weird is I read your note about that and then was like, did I miss a joke? Like I didn't even register that they were trying to make jokes. Also, they're fine looking.

He's genuinely one of the most generic looking human beings I've ever seen. I think if you search Caucasian man in Google, his face comes up. Yeah, right. No, if you gave an AI 800 white men, it would kick out this guy as the in between. Yeah. I Googled by the way, because I was like, this actor doesn't look Jewish

because you know, he looked kind of normal and attractive. He on his Wikipedia, it says, yeah, he grew up Jewish, but you know, so the best they could find is a person is Jewish as I am. Yeah, I mean, the guy at the actor's name was Epstein. I was pretty sure he was genuinely. All right, so then she goes to her table and she's like, I'm going to wait on this cute teacher while I film about that rude guy in line. And then he shows up at her table with an apology muffin, his term not mine. Right? What was he even apologizing for?

I mean, this was such a non-thing. Well, okay, so like making fun of somebody's order, a stranger's order in front of you in line at Starbucks is kind of a dick move unless their friends are there already doing it and they egg you on. We lead very different lives. Yeah, exactly. So no, that's a dick fucking move. Like bitch, you know that guy from behind him in line would have been fine, right?

But anyway, but you're definitely making it more fucking awkward when then you walk up on this young woman and you're like, here eat my mom often. You know, like dude, shut up. Please eat this pastry. I touched it's for you. like dude, shut up. Please eat this pastry. I touched it's for you. And again, what happened here is they tried to write a conflict, but you know, Gam Gam needs to fall asleep to this movie. So they couldn't actually like have them be mean to each other. She just sits down and goes insanely rude. I wrote my notes. Holy shit. Imagine what would happen if one of these people met Noah. They would die. All right, so but mutual friend shows up and she's like, Oh, look, you two have already met and they're like, Oh, no, we were here to meet each other.

And this is where the movie will introduce that not only does she not know about Hanukkah, which is a dumb enough premise for a movie, but he, a public school teacher in the country of the United States, doesn't know about Christmas. Yep. It was insane. He got a phone call where he was asked to pick up a wreath and fruit cake and he was like,

a wreath and fruit cake, but those are Christian words. You're holding a phone. But those are Corristen were You're holding a phone just Google either of those things Yeah, the spelling on a Reese is a little weird. I'll admit I'll admit but you'll get it Yeah, but yeah, so that's the goddamn plot of this stupid fucking movie his girlfriend wants him to throw a Christmas party for her dad, which is a weird thing to ask your Jewish boyfriend to do. I'm going to be out. We are. Who would you do that? Throw a Christmas party in and bite him. But, but that's

on his end. And then of course, she needs to know enough Hanukkah to lead a Hanukkah festivities at the Hanukkah party. So that's how they're going to, and that's the reciprocal relationship that they enter into here. But like, they're both in a pickle because they're the only ones who can teach each other about the hot lot. Like, you're the only Jew I've met in all of New York. Yes. You're Christmas lady. And she's like, you need a wreath. I've got a wreath guy. I'll hook you guys right up. She'll get to vote. That's what I think that should be the threshold of who gets to vote. Oh, definitely a Trump voter. No question. This girl and her parents are Trump voters.

And if you ask her why she cries. So yeah. So after establishing that fruit cake is like Christian ecstasy, only, you know, certain people know who to talk to to get that shit. They established that they will set aside their line altercation and help each other for the holidays. And then they muffin on it, which is nowhere near as sexy as it sounds when I say it. Like, no, it is. It was supposed to be a very charming moment. And I was just like, you're both just like touching each other's food. The whole post COVID world is ruining movie watching though, right? Like whenever

you're see a serious. I can't really sweater sweatily palm someone's baked goods again. The first thing I'm going to do the day I get the vaccine. I'm going to spit in your mouth. I'm going to eat it. Okay. All right. So now they have the mutual friend leaves. They have to go holidaying. So the first thing they have to do is go get a menorah. And they realize, uh oh, they realize they have to fill a scene with a menorah and they fail instantly. Because she's like, is that a candle holder? And he's like, yes, he reacts. He's trying to drag out the fact that the answer to that is yep. Well, no, his answer is boy

We've got a lot of work to do and I'm like well, okay, but she did nail that one. Yes, and that's it By the way, wait yep, the yeah, he says we are it's pretty crazy that that Hanukkah party is eight days away And she's like why is that? Crazy and and and then the movie's just like, see? She doesn't know anything about Hanukkah. Yeah, she's like, what, how do you like a candle? She seems very confused and he's like, welcome to my juice store. You can get anything, Jew here.

Yeah, the juice are our store that they walk into, right? So we cut to this like in media rest with her going like, wait, you like one candle and that whole, let me write down all this confusing jewelry, you know, and then they walk into I'll set you

not little mitzvahs as you walks in and I love this like, oh, wow, this is so wonderful, so much tradition. I'm like an anti Nazi. If you think about it. Some of my best friends are Jewish. Ha ha ha ha. Yes.

And the store owner slash soul employee slash grand mother of the male protagonist will be introduced here and she's like, yes, Jewish traditions go back six thousand years. No, they fucking down. Okay. I'm gonna repeat this like all the time. Just traditions go back max 150 years. And that's if like great, great, great grandpa Poland is to be believed.

I also, and well, now I feel very self-conscious about it. I made a note that the grandmother looks so young. I was like, how is his grandma like 50, but now I'm worried that she's 86 and I just don't see a clearly like 24 or 25 years older than this actor, right? Like so yeah, she, she had a kid at 12, let a kid at 12 if she's his grandmother. No, no, no, you nailed it on the women. Rachel, you nailed it on the women. Okay, great.

So yeah, so the, so Christy looks around the store and she's like, hmm candleholders in little hats. I'm getting that mostly Jewishness is about family and she's like, yeah family family. That's what you would think when you saw candleholders and little hats. Look, I know the conceit of this podcast is that we review religious movies, but this may be the least religious movie we've ever reviewed. Yeah. They avoid God like they dated him in high school. Oh. They really, I don't know that they say it at all. I mean, no, no, no, it's, it's all about

tradition and yada, yada, yada. This movie definitely has sort of a secular view of its religiousness. So yeah, so he's like, hey, where are the menorys? And she goes, you know where the menorys are, which makes that a really weird fucking question. I was testing you, grandma. I was testing you. The other thing is that menorys are not something that you need to, like, it's not a Christmas tree. Like, you don't need a new one. Right, yeah, right. Right. You buy one one. So what do you mean? I need another manora. You know where. You buy one one. So what do you mean? I need another manora. You know where they are.

You come in all the time. Yeah. For manoras. Yes. And then she's like, you know, while he's going to pick out the manoras, Christie's like, well, I don't suppose you've got any pictures of Jonathan around that we could use to flash out his backstory at all, do you? She's like, I sure do.

They're hanging up right here. Comic book style as though to set out the progression of his life. And then we find out that his personality trait is that he likes to travel. Oh my God. It's the best. They actually took someone's tender profile seriously. He also likes the office. Oh, cool.

You're a fully fleshed out human. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. Oh, and I love this one because he's got a like brag about how worldly is. He's like, you know, I travel outside of the country every year. And it's like one of those things where it's like, I'm insanely wealthy and privileged,

but pretend that other people don't do this, just they're less worldly and enlightened than me. Because otherwise, I feel guilty about having so much with so many have so few. Yeah, you know, those single moms in Compton, they really should get to Europe one of these days. Exactly. Exactly. There's just a little bit of horizons.

Exactly. Then, of course, you have Christy, who is clearly wealthy and privileged, who's like, I've never seen one of these places before. Yeah, I've never heard of this China of what you speak. Yeah. So yeah, okay. So now the grandma's like, you're teaching her about Jewishness all wrong. Start with the food.

And I'm just going to say if you ever want to teach somebody about Jewishness, unless you're trying to scare them off, do not start with the fucking food. Okay. There's a reason why there are zero restaurants in the history of the universe that serve Jewish food to non-Jewish people. Delis, excuse me, Delis, we stole those, but to be fair, they are now, they're Jewish. They're Jewish now. Yeah, well, you can't get a ham and cheese there. And bagels, they're not really Jewish. Again, slowly, but our snack.

Okay, yeah, I mean, that's the point. They're like the West Bank of food. Her lack of knowledge of anything that is outside of Christmas, including travel, leads me to believe that she is similar to Mariah Carey dead for the entire year and then real awakens on November 26th. Right. And it's only alive for about a month and a half of the year. Oh God, this movie makes so much sense if she's like in that Jack Skellington Christmas

world thing and she just fell out at some point and forgot to cut that. How else would she know nothing about anything except Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. All right. So he's like, yeah, we should go have some Jewish food now so I can teach you about eating Jewishly. I already had lunch plans with my girlfriend, but I'm sure she won't mind if I bring another attractive female with me.

Oh, women love it when you bring a strange woman who you're spending time with to lunch plans with them. It's their favorite. So it is. It is our favorite thing. it when you bring a strange woman who you're spending time with to lunch with them. So, it is, it is our favorite thing. Yep. So, this is Heather. Now, Heather will just basically show up to be, you know, the generically bad girlfriend to a even less fleshed out.

Not even really. No, no, no, and a loof girlfriend, I guess, is the right way to go. Well, what's great is it's hallmark or lifetime or wherever the fuck made this. So they don't know how to villainize women because their audience is women and sleeping old women. So she's just like, hey, yeah, I'm his girlfriend. I don't know, am I though?

Yes, for now, but am I? That's the entirety of her personality. Well, right, so they have her like several times during this like, as he's explaining the Hanukkah miracle and how delicious Lotkas and Jelly Donuts are. They have the girlfriend constantly going like, is it Jewishness silly and arbitrary tradition? It's wild and then our character Christy is like,

isn't Hanukkah so random? Random? You're choosing the word random. Okay. Okay. And at one point, they're talking about the fact that this is the other thing that's so crazy to me because they're teaching each other about these holidays, they call each other teachers and students.

Yeah. She's like, he's my teacher and he's like, you're a great student and a teacher. And Christie at one point says, I'm a part-time student, part-time teacher, full-time hungry. And if my boyfriend brought somebody to lunch who said that, I would end the relationship. Yeah. And hey, to Heather's credit, she does. No, you're right. So, all right. So, but now he's got to, he's got to tell them the story of Hanukkah. And that's got to be so hard to tell Christians because you know your story sucks compared to their story for the holiday, right? Well, don't worry Noah. He doesn't tell the Hanukkah story. He tells this fucking batch shit insane version of it. Oh, this is not the story.

No! Okay, I gotta be honest, I heard this and literally was like, do I know what Hanukkah's about? Like, I very gently until Eli just confirmed it right now. I really was like, wow, I just had no fucking idea what Hanukkah was about. I was so confused, I had to Wikipedia the story of Hanukkah, because I was like the Greeks, the Greeks, why is there a ticking clock on the Hanukkah story?

But they just, they heard the Hanukkah story, which by the way is someone tried to kill the Jews, they failed, we lit a candle. It stayed on for longer than we thought it would. Yeah. Right. That's the Hanukah story. And they were like, Oh, shit. That's a sentence and a half. So he's like, All right. Imagine this. The Maccabees, a tribe that had biblically been dead for several hundred years before the fucking Monica story. This would be like me being like, all right, you want to know the story of the Vietnam. All right, it's World War One. And James Bond is the best American soldier we have to offer. You're just so insane. But then the girlfriend leaves for a second and

and he's freaking out. He's like, what if I'm bad at Christmas? And she's like, he'll be amazing Jonathan. And he's like, what if I can't put ornaments on a tree? Yes. Yeah, I love, yeah. Heather gets a call from the plot asking her to step away from the table for a second or something so that they can like sweat about like, oh, but don't tell her you're telling me

about Christmas so I'm supposed to learn it through as Moses or whatever the fuck the plot of this dumbass. It was so weird. Yeah. And I just have two very important points to make before we leave this scene. The first is they act like the sofa Tony guts or whatever those horrible donuts are are either as good or taste anything like a jelly donut. No illusions.

If I handed you a sofa Tony got or whatever the fuck they're called. It's not that. And was like, try one. And what do you think it is? You would not guess jelly donut, no illusions. If I handed you a sofa Tony got or whatever the fuck they're called. It's not that. And was like, try one. And what do you think it is? You would not guess jelly donut. You would guess poisoning attempt. Two. Two.

They bring over their lot cuss and they're not fucking lot cuss. They're con dishes. Yep. Okay. Like I said at the beginning, best worse Jewish stuff written by non Jews They refer to balls of potato mush as lot. That's not a lot

Like this is shredded and there's gonna be some fucking asshole out there who's like well actually my family's from You know North Carolina Danacee and we had to our like, fuck you. You get them wrong. You get them wrong. I'm a New York Jew. She's a Chicago Jew. You're not a real Jew. You're the fucking disper us. We know what lot this are. You don't. All right. So, so her alarm goes off. Again, we get another morning in this dumbass movie. And this entire day exists only so her friend can come and tell her the terrible news. The rival toy company will also be a Donica party trying to know more Hanukkah. Think she. What the fuck are you supposed to think is a half thing?

So weird. No. I was like, that was the whole scene. I was like, did I miss half the scene? So stupid. But she's like, they're gonna come and show other toys. She didn't even have toys though, in her pitch.

Were they okay at their job? Cause then they're better than you. And we should point out, at this point in the movie, she still has no toy idea. She owns a menorah, has eaten a potato square and a fucking jelly donut, but she has no idea what toy she's gonna be. I longed for this movie to make it all the way through

and she lights the menorah so good that he's like, the account is yours. Now tell me about the toy and she's like, fair. Fair. What the fuck? Which is kind of what happens. I mean, spoiler alert, that is what happened.

Yeah, the end there we did it. We finished. Yeah, well, no, no, there's there's a lot of more interesting stuff to stay around for. All right. Well, I'm pretty sure that this movie thinks it just added stakes and I don't have the heart to tell it otherwise. So we're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll be back soon with even more mistletoe and menorahs. And so I said, you can have your epi pen back after you apologize.

No, that's fair. Hey, guys, you ready to record? Dude. Eli, what happened to your glasses? Oh, yeah, long story. Held onto the back of Cecil's car ended up getting dragged for a couple of miles. I guess they did kind of get a little scratched up.

Kind of dude, they look like fogged glass. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. But what am I gonna do? Spend a fortune at the eye doctor? No thanks. Why don't you try Warby Parker? Is that the name of your eye doctor? Because I don't really want a new guy.

No, Eli. Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional vision care online and in stores offering eyeglasses, sunglasses, eye exams, and contact lenses. Look Rachel, if this is some kind of fashion thing. Yeah, I buy most of my clothes by paying a guy at Costco to leave the dumpster unlocked. Yeah. I buy most of my clothes by paying a guy at Costco to leave the dumpster unlocked. Yeah. So I can't really break that cycle. Okay, I'm aware of that. That's why I hid those pants of yours.

But Warby Parker glasses started $95 including prescription lenses, sunglasses, progressives, and blue light lenses are also available. Yeah, but I don't know what kind of glasses I want. Well, you don't have to. Warby Parker has the quiz you can take right on their website and then they'll send you pairs to try on at home and you can keep what you like.

Whoa, have you actually taken that quiz? I sure have. It's not just convenient, the styles look great and I can do it all without leaving my apartment. All right, guys, I'm sold. How do I give it a try? Well, you can try Warby Parker's free home trion program. Order 5 pairs of glasses to try on at home for free for 5 days and there's no obligation to buy. Your home trion ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping label.

Again, you can try 5 pairs of glasses at home for free at Warby Parker dot com slash awful. As an end of the year of treat, you can say 15% when you purchase 2 or more pairs of Warby Parker prescription I wear. That includes eyeglasses or sunglasses, but this is a limited time offer that ends on December 31st of 2020, so act now. Wow, thanks guys. You hear that little line buddies that follow me everywhere? We're getting new glasses.

E-like those are, pretty sure those are scratches. Okay Noah, if they're scratches, then how come they follow me whenever I turn my head? Okay. Oh, boy. There they are. He's got to miss him. Dave, thanks so much for coming to the holiday party.

Oh, no problem, Mr. Harsenblum. I think toys for kids can make a really good line of... Oh, Dave, please. Let's not talk business right now. It's time to light the menorah. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. You do know time to light the menorah. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to be disrespectful. You do know how to light the menorah, don't you?

Oh, no. You know, sorry, I'm actually, I'm Presbyterian. Ooh, that's too bad. You see, Christie here knows all about the menorah. Don't you, Christie? I sure do. Baruch, hot claw, Federboy.

Impressive. Well, looks like someone really wants this toy account. I'm sorry, are you implying that there was a religious test for this account? Cause I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Whoa, come on now, Dave, where's your competitive spirit? Uh, not at the holiday party. I think I said to office, you know, where on now, Dave, where's your competitive spirit? Uh, not at the holiday party. I think I said to office, you know where it's legal.

Let me ask you this, Dave. Do you know what this is? Uh, uh, it's a cradle. Ooh, well done, Christy. Lopcas. Mm, and we are back to a tie. Seriously? Chanukah guilt.

And Christie's in the lead, Dave, can you take it back? Pale, baldly behave children, controlling the media, accusing anyone who points out the human rights violations in Israel of anti-Semitism. Wow. Dave, I'm sorry. I just, no, no, no, no no no no you get the account Dredal?

Damn it, Chris, you already did Dredal Oh beans Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And we're back for more of this shit We're gonna open up with Christie showing up to Tinseltown late They do the whole like oh you're on time. But I, you're usually the late one, except they've never met before this, except for that one time and no one was late for anything.

I don't even know what this fucking scene was supposed to be reference. I mean, they really managed to squeeze an entire conversation out of just, I thought you were gonna, you were gonna be late, but you weren't. I was not time for being late. Yeah, yeah.

This is such a wonderful insight, though, right? Like, what a normies talk about when they meet cute. I thought you were gonna be being late. Yeah, yeah. This is such a wonderful insight though, right? Like what a normies talk about when they meet cute. I thought you were going to be late, but you weren't. Bazinga, that's then they get married and have kids. Oh, maybe you're right. Yeah. So they walk around this little pop up Christmas fair thing and he just keeps going like, so wait, there are bells

and there are Christmas trees. I don't hold on to trees. I don't hold that aside. I don't. Yeah. He literally was walking around just a pop up Christmas fair that happened everywhere all December long that anyone can go to and he's like, what is this place? These people sell Christmas. Yeah. I've always been afraid to walk in here that they would know that I wasn't one of them Yeah, what who the hell knows like there's a secret password or something to get in like it's a church Yeah, and she opens this by going less than one and I wanted her so badly to be like God rapes in 11 year old

But no, it's where red and gray. We're red and gray We're red and green. We're red and green. Oh, that was the other thing. Her wardrobe for the entire movie is all different shirts in the same exact Christmas red color. And I was like, nobody has a holiday wardrobe for the entire month of Christmas unless you're a virgin. There is no way that this woman has ever had sexual intercourse

they certainly don't write her like she knows what that is no she only knows about christmas exactly and so and of course they're supposed to be doing the whole flirty like them slowly realizing that they like each other thing but these actors aren't really good enough to pull this off so they can either hate each other or really want to fuck. Well, the other thing is like, we're supposed to think during this whole movie that their like relationship is budding, but literally all they talk about is Christmas and hot at the like, do they know that the other one has other facets or do they both just celebrate these holidays all year round? And then re-enter their chrysalises until November.

No, no, he travels also. Oh, God, sorry, I forgot. Okay, and so now it's time for us to follow up on the fruit cake thing. This movie has a strong, no mother fuckers fruit cake is delicious stand that it would like to take. This movie doesn't get political about much, but that's the one thing it wants to be known for. Yeah, he's like, oh my gosh, Fruitcake is good.

I wrote my notes, Narrative Voice. It was not in fact good. It didn't even look appetizing. I mean, it looked truly disgusting and he was like, wow, like truly blown away. It's like potato lot because fuck the sub-goddy other Where like yeah, it's yeah, right well that that's sort of the theme of the fucking movie is people eating terrible bland food and going Oh my corn From oh cool all right, so and then and then he's like oh, I hate did you did you let your Minora last night? She's like I got so confused trying to light a fucking candle. I couldn't figure it out

Totally she literally was like I screwed it up and he was like oh well She's like, I got so confused trying to light a fucking candle. I couldn't figure it out totally. She literally was like, I screwed it up and he was like, oh, well, I'll just video chat you tonight so you don't burn down your apartment. What? It is true though that it is, women weren't taught to like, candles until like six or seven years ago.

So I understand. So I'm still catching up. That's so fucking stupid. All right, so now she's home, she's trying to make some lot because apparently she thinks that this party they're going to ask her to make food. All right, for your next task to join our toy company, whatever the fuck. Not come making contest. Go. And again, the lot she's making are potato conishes.

They look like Eli's pug in a pan. Potato conishes that they have her frying in oil. Oh, she's so gross. Honestly, between those potato conishes, all the jelly donuts and her Starbucks coffee order, I was really hoping this movie was going to end with her having diabetes. You still love me when I lose a foot. But no, it's her boyfriend. And her boyfriend makes a great point.

He's like, hey, did you nail down your pitch? And she's like, I made Jew pancakes and lit a candle. And he's like, cool. Cool, cool, cool. But then is a dick when she's like, oh, I want you to try one of these pancakes I'm making. And he's like, That's not a burger or a pizza or a beer. I care, I'm not you.

I just just not my thing trying food. Yeah, he's like, no, I don't want to eat your Jew food. Let's order Chinese. Yeah, the real Jew food. Yeah, right. Yeah, come on. To be fair, I mean, he's not wrong. So, okay, and then, and this is where he has to explain that he can't make it to pre-Christmas Eve, Eve dinner with her family because he doesn't like them.

Sorry, I'm gonna miss pre-Christmas Eve Eve, but if it makes you feel better, I hate your family and the things you care about most in the world. It was insane. He was like, you guys have all those inside jokes and love for each other. I just don't belong. So yeah, but so then they sit around eating Chinese food, talking about, you know, good toy ideas, right? And he's like, here, I've got a great one for you, babe, action figures, but they're stock brokers. Yep. The end. That's the end of my idea. This movie's going to run with that for a very long time, guys. So long. Until 14 seconds before the credits. Yeah, it turns out that the screen writers are as good as coming up with toys as they are at writing screenplays.

But she kicks him out because he's not going to make Christmas Eve Eve dinner. And that's exactly then Jonathan calls about the menorah lighting facetime that they had planned. Yeah, he's going to walk her through it because she needs multiple practice sections. He says, you know, okay, do it just like we practiced. It's just like really. It is just lighting. I'm not forgetting like a quintessential part, right? Like it is just lighting the candles with the other candy. That's it. Got it. Okay. I mean you go don't you go left to write or so? I don't yeah, but but like yeah, it's right to lap. Okay. Yeah, but it's certainly not like something that you need Multi you don't need a rocky montage

to get this shit and you can also just Google it. Yes. Look at what's going. Exactly. And this actresses Hebrew is giving me deep, deep flashbacks to all the botnets, because I worked. I think Eli and I both had simultaneous PTSD. I forgot my spas just watching her be like, brick, brick, brick, it's at no, I don't

know. So all right, so we get to the end of this and she's like, hey, look, I know tomorrow is Saturday, but we've got nothing else going on in this movie. So do you want to meet me for more Christmas lessons? And he's like, yeah, I mean, we're not at 90 minutes yet. So yes, yes, exactly. So okay, so again, we get the alarm.

She wakes up to her advent calendar and her morning breath chocolate. And I actually, I didn't tell you guys this, but I actually started a drinking game where I took a shot every time that this movie started with a scene of her waking up to her alarm. And I'm dead. Yeah. You're I thought of alcohol poisoning. This is the ghost of me speaking. What's funny is that this movie is supposed to like, you know, it's, it takes eight days to get through. They make a big deal of that. So we have to see every one of those days.

She wakes up even though they don't really have eight days worth of shit to do. I'm sure do not. And also, by the way, so she wakes up in that instant, the second she wakes up, she gets a text and I'm like, how could no one involved in this production know how waking up works? How is that even possible? By the way, if somebody texts you before your wake up time at 6 a.m., there was a death in the family. No, if you're texting before that for any other reason, I'm cutting you out of my life. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. You're Hitler or you have a baby

and you have no concept of time anymore. That's true. I did give Eli like three, four months leeway on this one. Yeah. That's true. That is fair. All right. So she goes to that little pop up Christmas fair thing and wouldn't you know it? This is so stupid and bizarre. So weird. Jonathan has a booth there to sell fruit cake to raise money for his middle school class in Manhattan. What? I don't know and he was like well you know it seems like people are really desperate for good fruit cakes so I thought I'd sell no one's desperate for good fruit cake. That's not you made that up. Also you made that up. You got your fruit cake from this pop up fair.

Right? So like, are you buying it from there and moving it to a different booth? How are you? He's pyramid scheming the fruit cake. How did you arrange to have a book? Like, you have to pay for these things. You can't just shut up a fucking $1000 a fucking dollars as this is during Manhattan? You have to like book that three years in advance That's so insane So weird the movie of how he got this fruitcake stand is so much more interesting Yeah, like isn't every and it's in New York. Is it every small business clamoring to go self fucking ornaments at this fair? Oh fuck yes, Jesus Christ.

So yeah, but you see this this Christmas fair thing is actually a Hanukkah lesson because Hanukkah is about doing good things for people like selling fruit cakes to them. I guess not what Hanukkah's about. Not what Hanukkah's about. Why did they make up shit for Hanukkah? I made up so much Hanukkah shit. There's none of this. None of this is real. None of this is real. No. And here's what's crazy. They make up so much shit for Hanukkah and never get

around to a dreidel. No. Seriously, the one Hanukkah game, the one Hanukkah activity, which is to play with a fucking wooden point and they were just like, it's actually about doing good deeds for the homeless. Yeah, the less is what I was about. Also, wrapping presents, right? wrapping presents is a big part of Hanukkah, right? With both. Oh, yeah, when he was like, oh, tonight I got to wrap some gifts and she was like, do you know how to wrap properly though? I'm a wrapping pro and then I was like, oh, she is definitely a virgin. Okay.

I'm the right guy. Hey, I'm a wrapping pro. Yeah, she's, she's gonna show him out of properly wrapped presents and I wrote in my notes at 4 a.m. the night before Christmas. So all right. So here's the thing, I feel like the closest that I could get to hell in the mortal plane

would be watching Eli wrap a fucking present. I just I don't know this for a fact, but I'm so goddamn precise. My my presents are all origami and pretty. My wife intentionally goes out and buys like weird shape shit going like, bitch can't rip that shit. And I always do. So like, yeah, I'm a fucking wrapping pro and I am not a virgin. I've had sex with women before.

And by contrast, the first year my wife asked me to wrap the presents. I used an entire roll of wrapping paper on the first gift she handed me. Oh my God. And then literally wrapped the ball of wrapping paper I had formed around the book with duct tape and handed it to her with a completely straight face. So I've only been spending Christmas with Eli for the amount of time that Amazon has the option where they'll send the item in a gift bag.

So Eli's house is just full of those Amazon gift bags because he never needs to wrap a gift and never a gift comes from Amazon. Back for every size. All right, so they're, but they're heading off to wrap some gifts. So they giggle their way into her apartment. And oh, he has to brag about how in a Hanukkah, you get eight nights worth of gifts,

but they're mostly shitty. I've gotten a lot of socks. Right. Like no, you can get through this Hanukkah description without admitting, but yeah, but it's not good, not in a good way. We only get presents so that the non-Christian kids at school didn't feel bad. Yep, exactly right.

They also have a talk about how getting presents isn't about what you spend, it's about listening. No illusions, listening. It's about listening, and it's about how you wrap. Yeah, I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that.

I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that. I will hold you to that I was like, wow, Eli has not cared about a single person. And it's entire life. Okay. So here's what I'm saying. Like she, he pulls out this one box and it's got one of those open face boxed dinosaurs. Got an open face. And I'm like, oh, well, you should probably have some poster board to fold over that so that somebody who puts their thumb on it doesn't go right. Oh, I'm sorry, Monet of wrapping nothing. You're just going to put wrapping paper on that. Okay. All right. You know nothing. and by the way She comes out with literally an entire toolbox full of a wrapping paper kit and I just wrote she seems lonely To be fair at the very bottom of that if she makes it through all the wrapping paper a noose

Every Christmas she gets a little bit closer. But Dwyer. All right, so now she has to tell him that she has to come up with toys and all she's got is stock broker action figures. What a terrible idea, right? And then they have a long conversation about how the two of them want kids, but they're significant others. Don't want kids. What was wild to me though, was that he was like, just your boyfriend want kids and she was like,

I don't really know, I guess. And like based on everything in this movie, they appear to have only been dating for about three months because she is just blown away by all of her boyfriends character traits. Like, she is surprised by everything about him. Well, because she just fell out of Christmas land and doesn't know how boyfriends work. Yeah.

I don't know. But yeah, okay. So, oh, but then she gets a call. It's an emergency. She's got to go to work in the middle of the night at the toy design company where they don't design toys. It's an emergency toy development meeting. No, and I have both worked at toy companies. And we've both had emergency situations.

That's a lie. I mean, Rachel, as the person who was technically your boss during that time. Yeah. Okay, I didn't like work, but like I was in the club. You were in the building and I signed a check with your name. There you go. Sure did, buddy.

I sold like one or two toys in the three years I worked for you. I was insane. But I was so bad at it. Here's the thing, when you get called in for an emergency toy meeting, it is not because they want to work on your congressman or stock broker action figures. It's because one of your employees was caught doing a heroin in the break room. Oh, Eli, don't talk about our friends like that. Or it's because everything that was just shipped over from China is deadly poisonous. And we have stores. It's quiet fire. Yeah, exactly.

To be fair, I think at the companies we worked at, they were like, everything's poisonous. So just make sure to not mention that when you're selling it to the virus. Make it sound like, you know, like make it sound good. Like cut spicy, say it's spicy. Yeah. And if they ask you if it's poisonous,

just say you have to go to the bathroom. Hey, that kid died before the lawsuit ended. That product is officially not poison. He doesn't even have standing. That's right. No, standing. Why any little bitch should have held out longer. We're all going to have a steep.

It's not an edible toy. It's his own fault. I don't want to get into it. I'm rationalized. All right. But so now what we learn here is that her idea, the best thing that she came up with was congressman action figure. Right? It's just like stock broker action figures, but it's also partisan.

So it's even better. And it'll come with an educational comic book about economics because who doesn't love educational comic books about economics? because who doesn't love educational comic books about economics? Okay, to be fair though, like I made it all the way through college and I still don't know how to do my taxes. So I think this would have been a great toy to have. But you know who would have helped you learn that

of fucking AOC action figures. That's true. Yeah, oh, so she presents the idea of the boss loves it. No idea why. And then we have to see sneaky drag makeup guy literally like hiding behind a potted plant so he can take photographs surreptitiously of her plans so he can sell it to the other evil toy company. Yeah. He's going to make an ill on Omar action figure one out of a hundred times when you pull the string. It's just something really problematic about Jews.

But otherwise, it's really. Yeah. All right. So he takes off his bush costume and leaves the fucking thing and then he calls her boyfriends. He needs to talk to her about something about their future. But he but he won't tell her right now and let me tell you something if anybody ever comes to me and is like I have to talk to you about something but not right now. You're dead. You're dead or I'm throwing up because there's no No, fuck you you can't know yeah exactly. That's always breaking up or proposing

But I want to make a proposition today. We should start doing that for normal shit so that that conversation can start being a surprise again. Right? If you're listening to this podcast, I want you to go out and be like, Hey, we need to have a conversation in person. I don't want to talk now. And then be like, so trash days are Thursdays, huh? And we're going to keep him on their toes All right, so yeah, so she grabs her manure and calls Jonathan so that he can walk her through that complex Lighting a match process once again. Still doesn't have it too nice down still No, and she goes hey, I know tomorrow Sunday, but we do you know

Do you have time to get together for another lesson? He's like wow still not another Plot point in sight, huh? She's like, wow, still not another plot point in sight. Huh? She's like, no, not a fucking one. This is it. So because apparently this movie doesn't trust us to understand what's going on if these two people just meet for an unscheduled next lesson, right? Also, is this, I couldn't really get a good gauge on,

was this, were they meeting every single day in this entire movie is just over the course of a week? Yes, pretty sure, yeah. Yeah, they meet every day for like eight fucking days, every day of Hanukkah. Just neither of them had any other plans ahead of time. For the eight straight fucking days. But the event had time to meet up with a stranger

to talk about something Googleable. Yep, the entire fucking time. Yeah, and all the weirder because it's over Hanukkah and he's Jewish. We never hear from his family in any way through this. Okay. Nope. All right, but now it's time for them to go to a Christmas tree farm together.

And of course, he doesn't know Christmas is very good, so he picked a shitty small tree. Ah, crazy. Okay. And of course he doesn't know Christmas very good so he picked a shitty small tree. Ah, crazy. Okay, she brought her own cartoon acts to this Christmas tree car. Not the kind that you cut a Christmas tree down with, by the way, like a hatchet style acts. Yeah, right. No, she would have to lay down and school chunder. Yeah, it would be a way like I don't really think you're supposed to do that. Like isn't there a guy there to cut the

fucking shirt? I'm sure there's a guy there who cuts the fucking tree. They weren't out in a forest. They were at a business that sells Christmas trees. So they'll let you saw down your own tree if you want, but yeah, yeah, you don't bring your own fucking axe. Or else it just show up with a big fucking axe slung over there. But like she's the queen of Christmas. So of course she has one. She has her special

Christmas tree cutting axe. Okay. So we do, we do a quick time cut to them decorating the tree and we cut in at the end of a story that he's telling us this movie doesn't have the ability to create an interesting story. So they just, you know, he's just like a memorial of the story is Moroccan teenagers will fucking cut you, right? It's a, it's a very weird ending. He's like, anyways, the balloon came out eventually, but I never did off that heroin habit I had. So, but yeah, but okay, now is time to light the menorah.

And I just want to say it's weird to participate in another religion, right? Yes, like participating in Hanaka and participating in Christmas are wildly different things. One is mostly based on Coke commercial since Saturnalia. The other is very clearly another person's religion. Yes, she's saying a fucking prayer, right? The whole goddamn time that candlelighting prayer

is a fucking prayer. If I got invited to my boss's house and they were like we baptized my son And again, I just want to be so clear. This is not her party No, she was just invited the other day to somebody else's party and it's like they're probably gonna have me like the candles make lot goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So Peter, her boyfriend, the bad boyfriend shows up at Jonathan, the love interest house to pick her up. And they have to have it like she has to go freshen up so they have to have this like conversation with the two of them meet and Jonathan can tell right away that he's not the right man for her. This was my favorite part. This is my favorite part. It's so good because again, like they can't make the boyfriend bad enough that like it ruins

Gam Gam's nap time movie, but they can't make him good enough that we realize she's emotionally cheating on him. So he's like, don't worry, I got her a job at the bank, the bank of money. Right. And Jonathan's just like, oh, I didn't know she was looking for a new job and he was like, she's not, but money. What do you do?

You're a teacher, fucking cuck. Yeah, I could never be a teacher unless that was allowed to teach money. Am I right? High five. I'm not what best all of this Christmas tree. Yeah, he's like, but I thought her dream was to make toys. He's like, yeah, come on, man.

If her dream was to make toys, she'd have at least some idea of a toy she could make somewhere in her fucking head. I mean, to be fair, she's, she really is not good at her job. Like, I should be a banker. I'm just saying, I don't mean to keep agreeing with the asshole boyfriend, but she should kind of be a bank. She's not only is she not good at her job, she's not aware of what a toy is. Not at all.

So then he leaves to go get the car or whatever. And now we have a moment alone between Jonathan and Christie where he explains that he can see that he's not the right man for her. But he's he's got to do it in Fumbly Romantic comedy ease. And I fucking love romantic comedy ease. It's this part right before act three where they need to get in a fight so they can come back together. And he's like, well, you understand, he's the, not a noun,

and now would make this too clear, but he's not an adjective, because an adjective would explain what I mean. I'm just saying, you're bad. And she's like, wow, I'm madder about this than I should be. Because otherwise, there's no tension for act three. Right. And then she's like, well, your girlfriend doesn't, doesn't want to have kids. That's like, yeah, right.

Yes, exactly. So they have this fucking stilted ass fight where like he just refuses to actually say what he's talking about the whole fucking time because it's a rom com. And then Kristian Peter go to some fucking place Eli would drag me to. And boyfriend finally gets a characteristic that we can all agree is hateable. He's on a keto diet, the only diet more annoying than veganism.

I really, I wrote down maybe his keto diet is why he can't grow any hair on his face. I just, I wrote my notes like, oh, wow, this movie and I finally intersect on hating people So And he's like hey, I got you something and he reaches into his inside pocket and she's expecting a ring and he says It's job application and like in any better movie that would be a great moment, right? But this movie so bad that it's just like she goes, oh, it's, it's paper work. And he goes, it is work that is papers because we're humans and we're talking. The entire point of this scene is just him being like, I got you a job you don't want. Yep.

Right. I had to make sure that I did something break up a bull with a bull before act three. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And to really lock in that he's a not likable character, he snaps at a waiter to order champagne. Okay. So at that point, I'm like, okay, now I want him to die in a I pitched off Robocop kind of way. Okay. I'm. I'm in. And this also just really solidified the idea that like, they really must have just met each other because they have these huge fundamental differences.

Yeah. And she's like, what do you mean, money's what's the most important thing to you? I'm like, haven't they been dating for a while? Like, how do you not know that? This is beautiful insight into hallmark culture. The people who watch these movies have four conversations, get married and then never speak to each other again. How do you think they keep finding out that they're accidentally gay?

It's because this is the basis for their romantic part. That makes sense. That makes sense. All right. Well, tell you what, we need to brainstorm good ways to kill off this character in our fan fix. So we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give it back to you the hard self. Will Christy be able to memorize 14 Hebrew words with an entire week of practice?

Does she think they're gonna ask her to cook god damn lotcus? How bad would you have to fuck up Hanukkah party before you lost a client over it? Find out the answers to these questions and that's pretty much it when we return for the exceptionally predictable conclusion of, mistletoe and menorahs. Hi, I'm Rachel Wax, attractive female here to tell you about taking care of your balls. Taking care of our balls? That's right, your balls. While society hasn't quite caught up to the 84-stage shaving waxing and moisturizing routine required of women. Thanks to man scaped, you can do something about the thicken of horror surrounding your balls. I still I wouldn't say thicken of horror.

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Get 20% off and free shipping with the code awful at manscap.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscap.com and use code awful. Happy New Year's to your balls. Hi, I'm Tony D. Are you making a lifetime hallmark or otherwise forgettable movie? Then come on down the Tony D's house or movie bed, boyfriends. Uh, boyfriends are guaranteed to be bad in a way that isn't too dark for your quickly churned out romantic comedy, but they will be bad enough that your audience will forgive

your heroine for cheating on them. We've got too busy at work, boyfriends. Babe, I'd love to be at your zither concert, but you know, I got a big meeting for the Grubner account. We've got sports watching, boyfriends. Sports? Not sure why that's a bad thing, but movies seem to think it is.

And of course, there's interested in other women in a way that implies maybe he's cheating on the protagonist, boyfriends. Wow, check out that waitress's ass. You just, you know, I would cheat on my girlfriend. Act now and we'll throw in a wacky best friend. Absolutely free. Girl, that sounds hard.

You should dump his ass. Don't eat these house-a-movie bad, boyfriends. Because when it comes to romantic comedies, monogamy is always the villain. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And we're back for more of this shit and once again we're gonna open up on the advent calendar this time It's Monday the party is on Thursday and this is the day where she's supposed to be done with her prototype, but she's not I don't even know what her job is anymore Is she actually just like a marketing person? What has she picked because we have to assume she's been at work for like eight hours a day

on these weekdays, right? What the fuck has she done? And I want to point out a very specific interstitial shot that happens in this scene for, and I cannot emphasize this enough, no reason we see feet dancing on a toy piano. And then it cuts back to the rest of the scene, which has nothing to do with the toy piano. I think it is because somebody lost a bet. I think it's because someone was like, what's that toy movie? You mean big?

Yeah, where they dance on the big piano? People loved that. Yep, movies about toys have a toy piano in them. That's it. That tracks with the rest of the film. She shows up and her friend is like, do you have your prototype? And she pulls out one of the,. Oh, she shows up and her friend is like do you have your prototype and she pulls out one of the you know this little wooden dummies that artists Oh, since she pulls out one of those and shrugs and her friend is like, yep, that sure isn't a toy and she's like

No, I don't know why I'd even carry it around it makes no Literally for figure drawing. I don't even know why she has it right In case people couldn't understand the concept of Doll without a visual aid I guess you know like a guy but smaller. I've lost you. I understand It would have been more representative if she had bought an existing toy and like Adjusted it somehow right no because that's what do. You buy a bunch of toys that already exist and start sawing shit off of them. Yeah, right.

No, that one had made perfect sense. Yeah, okay. So then we cut to that night, because apparently this movie cannot be bothered to deal with coming up with something to happen on Monday. So, but everything's going wrong. She fried potatoes poorly and she just can't menorah, right?

She needs a Christmas miracle. Right. And so she texts a picture of them to Jew main character guy and I wrote my notes, no better way to make up than to text the boy a picture of your lot. I would just like to point out something very telling here. I'm looking at all three of our notes and they're very different. My first note says, those don't look remotely like Lotka's. Eli says, making not Lotka's and Noah says, her fried potatoes are looking pretty solid. I mean, the fried potatoes, right?

That doesn't look pretty good. They look crispy and golden. You're fucking going. Like, it's like a little more like hash browns than Lotka's fine, but sure. All right, but now suddenly it's Tuesday, because this movie couldn't come up with a new thing for every fucking day. And now she's so determined that she's heading out for work by 6.25 a.m.

In case I didn't hate this person enough already. So, yep. This is also where she facetimes her dad in the middle of the office. Yep. I really wanted someone to walk in and be like, stop making facetime calls to the office, Christy. Everyone else works here too. She didn't even have headphones and she's probably the kind of person who also microwaves fish in the company kitchen. So, yeah, but she's got explain to dad that Peter can't make it for pre Christmas Eve Eve dinner and dad sure is paternal. And he's like sweetie, how are things? And she goes, things are tough, but she says it while she's like kind of smiling,

like she had a little too much Botox before this movie was done so she can't really frown. So she's just like, girrrrr, things are tough. She might as well be like, things are tough. I mean, you know, white person tough, not like not like, yeah, right. But they're not putting black stories on Hallmark or lifetime or whatever the fuck this is. So, you know, as hard as the people who will watch this movie, ever want things to be in their film. Yeah. Things are right. And okay, so she goes for coffee and damn it.

If Heather, that's Jonathan's girlfriend, keep up. I was so proud of myself for remembering her name. Isn't right behind her in line because, you know, it's Manhattan. Yep. And everyone goes to the same Starbucks. How many Starbucks could there possibly be in Manhattan? There's far into you between, sometimes there's a whole the same Starbucks. How would he Starbucks could there possibly be in Manhattan? There's far into you between, sometimes there's a whole block

between Starbucks. Yeah. But by the way, you can't forget the reason she's going to get coffee is because her dad's response to things are tough is, why don't you get some coffee? And she's like, that's a great idea, dad. And I'm like, what? Well, because we have screenwriters that don't that's a great idea, dad. And I'm like, what? What?

Well, because we have screenwriters that don't know what a great idea would sound like. So they're like, you're like, well, you know, the next scene is in the coffee shop. Yeah. So. Yeah. Okay.

And so we haven't mentioned this up to this point, but up until now she goes in with her crappy Eli order. And the barista was the only barista in New York, the one that works the coffee shop near her home and her work, apparently, is always fucks up her order and puts whipped cream in it. But this time she gets the order right because life is looking up. It's the third act, damn it. Yeah. And then she like confronts the barista about the whip cream. She's like, you know, you've gotten the whip cream wrong the last two times I ordered. I kind of thought you were doing it on purpose. As though a Starbucks barista could hate somebody

so much that they would intentionally get their order wrong. Also, please don't do not forget about my favorite part of this scene. If we want to use the word scene, I feel like we're playing it fast and loose with that, but when Heather comes up to her, she goes, oh, you're Hanukkah girl. Which felt super anti-Semitic. I mean, if anybody called me Hanukkah girl, I'm pretty unsafe. I was laughed, but I would feel unsafe. Yeah, that's a hate crime in a lot of states. So, yeah, but so, but the barista says, no, it's okay.

I wasn't actually peeing in your coffee. It's okay to make a really crappy weird order than a noise to shit out of your barista. Oh, my notes here are so gloating. It's just like, that's right, movie. It's not annoying at all. My barista's love me. That's why they hold their breath and immediately take their lunch break when I walk into a store.

And then of course the barista looks at her with eyes full of knowledge and says, there's nothing wrong with getting things how you like them. Right. And the barista's not trying to fucker or the barista is trying to fucker and it just didn't work because Chris actually at least synced up with this movie. Yeah, the Chris version

didn't know how that worked. Yeah. Right. But so armed with that barista wisdom, she goes to Jonathan G. Grant, yet little mitzvazar Russ. And and and ask if there's some kind of Jewish apology muffin that she could get.

Which when she asked that Anna who was sitting next to me watching this, was said, what did Jews like money? Should I wrap up some money? First of all, yes. That's what most spot mitzvah gifts are literally cash. She's great. You're sorry. And also, I just want to point out, if every, if you are apologizing this frequently and each apology has to come with a gift, your relationship is abusive. Yeah, yeah.

Well, and so here's the other thing about how sloppy this stupid fucking movie is. You don't, you have her show up in his house with a fucking muffin. You've already established that muffins equalin. You've already established that muppin's equal apology. You've already created this symbolism. Why wouldn't you pull the goddamn trigger on it? But no, instead she goes and gets some special Jewish present. They literally wrote in an opportunity for a cute callback and we're like, no, it's

slasher than that. Right. Look, it's a blue star. Blue is the Jew color. Yes, exactly. But it's on your tree, so it's like it's both. It's so cool. I wish she had gotten him what Eli has on top of his Christmas tree, which is a flying spaghetti monster. Yeah, there you go. True story.

So yes, so she gets to his door and she's like, both at the same time, they're like, sorry, and I wanted him to go jinx and punch her in the shoulder. Something. Been awesome. But no, she gives him his Jewish tree top her star. And he's like, Oh, wow, it's just like the one I had as a boy. I'm like, wait, you had a Christmas tree as a boy. I was really confused about that.

What the hell? Wait, what the fuck? Hold on a second. You've just been wanting to flirt with this girl, you asshole, hold on a second. Right, meanwhile this whole time, he's been like, sorry, is it pronounced Christmice? What, hi. Right, so she's like, I learned a day

that I shouldn't hide what I want from anyone. I want your dick. Oh, shit, he didn't say that, they'll put it with that would have been, like that's how that this movie should have gone. Yeah, and then he's like, oh, here, have a jelly doughnut because apparently whoever wrote this movie thinks that jelly donuts are like the absolute center of Hanukkah and that for eight days straight, juicy nothing but jelly donuts. Always have one hand.

I haven't had a jelly donut in years. They're not that big of a deal. Got one in a fucking whole story. Yeah. Yeah. The only reason to eat a jelly donut is that you're a sloppy guard in a kids movie. And someone's about to sneak by you. Meanwhile, in this movie, everyone's pockets are just stuffed with them. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. She pulls one out of her handbag.

All right. So now it's, it's the day of pre-Christmas Eve Eve. We haven't mentioned this yet. Okay. so it's morning and we're looking at the Advent calendar again. She has a little tag tied around the December 23rd one that says pre Christmas Eve Eve in case she forgets when the day before the day before Christmas is this year. In case the fucking mayor of Christmas town forgets when the day before the day before Fucking day the 23rd falls on this month. I mean to be fair this girl did need four lessons in candle lighting I know you're right. You're right. That is true. No, let me ask you this as the as the token Christian on this podcast Do advent calendars have a little note?

Like is it also a real calendar? Like do all of a sudden, right? You're agenda for each day because she really has a tag for every day that's like laundry day. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. Presentation, do. Big party, yeah, right.

No, no, that's only for movie purposes. Not it. I mean, honestly, the most experience I have with an Advent calendar in my life is that one time Eli got me eight different types of weed right before Christmas. Well, that's so sweet. My roommate just got me a bottle of wine for each day before Christmas. All right. So you and I are tied now for Advent calendar experience. So maybe you know, I don't know. All right. So, so we,

okay, we cut to Jonathan now and he's all for Lauren and dumped looking. Oh, apparently Heather came to him and said, yeah, you know, I met, I saw somebody at a line and a Starbucks and decided I didn't love you anymore, right? It was so weird. Like, he was just like, yeah, she decided it was too early for me to meet her father and too early to be in a relationship. Yeah, apparently she told him, if my dad likes you, it will be hard to break up with you. And I wrote in my notes, the Rachel Wax story. Oh my God, that is the story of my life.

That's why I never introduced my friends to my parents. Yeah, there you go. Also, I never want them to see that they look similar to my dad because it just makes them uncomfortable. Yeah, no, I get it. All right, so yeah, so they broke up because there were only 22 minutes left in the movies, including credits, right?

So they didn't have time to give her a personality or anything. So they broke up. And she's like, well, good. Now that you're dumped, you can go meet my family and do a Christmas Eve Eve thing. Because you know, when you get out of a long-term relationship, the best thing to do is to go around other people who love each other and don't know you.

That was so insane. She was like, what were you gonna do? Moe tonight. And it's like, right after getting broken up with you. Yes, yes. Oh, fucking, Gordon, I think you're allowed to that day. It's great. She's like, well, I have an amazing idea. And he's like pity sex. And

she's like, come see my parents. And he's like, yep, come see your parents. That's what I said, come see your parents. So, yeah, so they go to her family staying dad comes out. He's all gravely voiced. Yeah. No, he's probably voiced in 35. Yeah. He says, I hope you like egg nog and Rachel just, whoosh, right? voice in 35. Yeah, he says I hope you like egg nog and Rachel just whoosh train. I really bad. And he goes, well, I've never had it. And he's like, well, have you ever sucked off an elephant swallowed? It's you don't know that there's no real difference. Oh, egg dog is so cruel. It's really fucking bad. It's not like milk and booze.

You know what I said that and realized that my boyfriend the other day actually drank milk and then booze So maybe I will you know hey to each their own I guess All right, so they had inside and this is when we learned that her dad and mom also travel a lot just like Jonathan Oh, I guess they they bond over the mutual occupancy of a shared social economic status. And there's this excellent moment because again, the people who write Hallmark movies had to write a let's bond over our love of travel line for the mom and the mom's like sure was hot in the Amazon jungle and the whole movie grinds to a hot where they're like, you're so fucking stupid, Sharon.

So fucking stupid. But also, let's not forget the way they started this conversation off was by him pointing to what is very clearly a stock image of a random couple on a beach TM and he goes, hey, is that the Dead Sea? Yeah, right. He is the Dead Sea. Yeah, I would recognize those waves anywhere.

They couldn't even fake travel photos to put in frames for this. Like, they didn't have a prop designer, so they just typed in, bitch, and printed it out and put it in a fucking frame. And they did that for every destination on the wall. They were like, that's the Taj Mahal. Yeah, oh, God, it's so fun.

Okay, so then we lazily cut to the after dinner thing with him going were like, that's the Taj Mahal. Yeah. Oh, God, it's so fun. Okay. So then we we lazily cut to the after dinner thing with him going, boy, that sure was good food. We all just ate. Boy, that was delicious food. We couldn't afford to do crafty. And they all ask if they're asking them these, I guess this movie thinks are perfectly normal and rational Jew questions. You know, do y'all have special Jew pies? Is there a Jew pie? And then yet again, we're talking about the fucking jelly donuts, which are apparently

in a niggma if you're not a Jew. And apparently like, oh, we had some in Israel. Really? Or did you go to Penn station? Because there's a crispy cream right there You didn't have to link go to Israel Blink and fine. Oh, but then and then just then the carolers show up right? Oh, I want to talk about black carol She was so sad

This group of carolers are obviously all psyched except for one African American who is not psyched to be dressed old time. To be fair, she was also the only person of color in this film. Mm-hmm. Oh, I think you're right. Right. I think you're right. Look, I get it.

African American people don't want to dress like they're from the 1850s. Me and Rachel don't want to dress and stripey pajamas. They're fricking your lips. I get it. They're freaking your lips. I get it. They're not great outfits for us. Wow. All right.

So, yes. So the carolers come up and they sing and everybody's like, oh, that was great. And then Jonathan goes up to him and he's like, hey, do you guys know this one Hanaka song? And they're like, yes, we do know that one Hanaka song. And then they sing it. Well, and he leads the song. And I so wanted them to go like, dude, we're the fucking carolers.

Okay, you're Jimmy Stewart, you ain't. Okay, you have a few stand on that side. And we'll stand on this side asshole. But it was so weird because then Christie was like, where did that come from? And he was like, juice of music too. Yeah, you have it. You have it.

Really? You guys have your own songs and everything, huh? I didn't even know Jews could read. So. Also, okay, so, and then he goes to leave and he has a bunch of presents, but they didn't know that he was coming. How does he have presence in their house?

Did they just take shit from the kids? Oh, for sure. Or they had extra white elephant gifts, which means somebody got stuck with the generic Christmas mug. Oh, you know what? That's exactly what my wife does that, never mind. That's right. You got to have that extra shit. Yeah, but it's like a sock socks.

Yeah, no, it's the mug. It's the fucking bonus mug. You're right. Yep. Wow But how awesome wanted to be because this is just like everybody's just you know, they walk away and go like oh your family's pretty great But how awesome would it have been if this movie had suddenly just in the middle of all of this bullshit had an actual family dinner? Right, we like like three of them are fighting about politics the whole time. Somebody calls somebody a whore and one of them drinks too much and pisses herself and nobody has the heart to tell it. That could have been so good, but no, it's this bullshit hallmark family.

Everyone's happy all the time. Yep. And now he knows all about Christmas, which doesn't matter because he got dumped. Right. all about Christmas, which doesn't matter because he got dumped. So. Right now, and he's now he stuck with this dumb fucking Christmas tree that he bought, which I'm pretty sure they're pretty expensive if you're getting a giant one like that. Yeah, no, if you're getting a live tree and a big one

and it's a huge pain in the ass to throw it away and it's a huge pain in the ass to clean up after it's out of your home and there's sap on everything. Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah, all right. So now we start another goddamn day with another fucking alarm, but don't worry, it's the day of the party.

This is the last fucking day of the movie. Mm-hmm. And she wakes up this day ready to tackle the morning. So excited. Here's the day of the party that I'm throwing, but it's not my party, so this movie doesn't make any sense. Yeah, okay. And so one of the plotlines that we sort of left off

on this is her friend at work. She's been trying to get her friend to apply for this other job and where she'd make more money. And her friend keeps saying, no, I don't think I'd be very good at that. I'm not really comfortable with that job. But dammit, if she doesn't force her friend into taking that job anyway,

which is exactly the thing they had the boyfriend do to establish that he's an asshole, but when she does it, it's because she's such a good friend. This was really weird and kind of came out of left field and added truly nothing to the movie. It's like, she has a friend, and this is their other activity aside from coffee

All right, okay, and then we have to really we have to drop the fucking hammer on this Peter plotline So she's okay, so Peter had called her and said he couldn't make it to the Honika party because her his boss wanted him to go to the game with her right? So she stops by his place and it turns out that he's actually going to the game with his bodies. Oh, now we really know he's a dick. Yeah. He's not a good boyfriend at all. We've just been hit over the head constantly with the fact that he's a dick, which just solidifies what I said before that there's no way they've been dating for longer than a month. Right. Right. Cause she shows up and she's like, Hey, I thought you said you couldn't come because you were your boss needed.

You know, like was making you go to the game. And he's like, Oh, right. No, but it was actually because they don't like being around you. You're not cool with that. And she goes, No, I'm not good with that. And so she leaves. I so wanted him to like call after. I was like, okay, wait, are we broke up enough for me to fuck that barista now? Yeah, he might as well take off his over shirt and be like, what do you think of my new break up with me T shirt, babe? And she's dressed up for Hanukkah. And it's so, it's such a stark contrast because the entire movie she's been wearing like

Straight up Christmas attire just very stark green and red outfits and now she's in juke-lo Blue and white yeah, so all right, so she goes to see Jonathan and She's like yeah, you know turns out I broke up with my boyfriend the day after you broke up with your girlfriend. And he's like, oh, that's great. Is this we're full blown act three. And she's like, yeah, it's almost the end of act three actually now. And he's like, all right, awesome rebound. Fucking she's like, uh, Hanukkah party. Hanukkah party. Yep. That's exactly what I said.

Two was Hanukkah party. Yeah. Also, I don't really think that you're supposed to invite random people to the company's holiday party at the boss that you don't really know. Seems weird. Seems inappropriate. That's also a test. Well, and also it seems weird to bring a Jew to the, like, right, because like at a certain point, it's just like she's almost trying to show up.

Look at my Jewish friend, you know, like it's just seems weird at that point. Yeah. Maybe I'll leave you gentlemen alone to discuss some money. Or perhaps properties you own. Oh, and wait, he got her a present. It's that backwards Jewish book that she likes so much at little mitspots. Oh my god. What would it even be? It's in Hebrew. I don't know. Why would she want that? Mixed no sense.

Anyway, so yes, so she invites him to the Hanukkah party. He's like, okay, I'll go there. And then they realize that they're standing under the parsley, because he doesn't know Christmas well enough to get Missile Dough. Oh no, he went to the grocery store instead of the Christmas. What was supposed to have happened that he had rubber banded parsley hanging anyway. Okay, fine. Stupid fucking movie. All right. So they go to the big fucking Hanukkah party. Everybody in the fucking movie has a mansion, but this guy has a mansionier mansion. He has a jurier mansion. There you go. That's what it is. No one's jurier.

All right. So, but she brought Hanukkah donuts, which they give this character such a weird scene. She's like, I brought you and he's like, no, mine, I want him. And he like stuffs one into his weird red face. It's so wild. It's such an insane choice. Yes, and also like I came to your party and brought you food. What the hell is going on? And he's like, hey, wouldn't you know it? It's time to light the menorah. How about you do that.

Which is so wild. Which is so weird because again you're asking someone who isn't part of your religion to do your prayer. And he presents it to the party. He's like ladies and gentlemen. If you don't mind, I'd like you all to participate in my religion. Yes. And again, she was just invited to this party a week ago. Super last minute. Like, yeah.

And now you're the main attraction. Yeah, so right. So she does the prayer and we're supposed to be like, oh, can she do it? There were 14 whole words, but not only can she do it, not only says she nailed the fucking prayer, she sings the fucking prayer. Sing, sit. That's right. When literally two days ago, she couldn't,

she was like, bruh, britch, a tie. Bratch, a tando, a tandoly. What, she needed four rehearsals. Yeah. Oh, and then also, again, to undercut the plot of this stupid fucking movie, they go in the other room and they have a Christmas tree set up at this Hanukkah party because most Jews that live in America

still do some Christmas shit. Yeah, and she was like, this would have been good to know a week ago, which literally just shatters the entire movie. Right. Yes, they said it's over. It's over now. Yeah. Now, we know you shouldn't have made it.

Oh, but while we're over by the Christmas tree, we learn that this movie has a bit of a twist. It turns out Edgar, the guy who was hiding disguised as a fucking bush and taking pictures of her plans, went to work for evil bad guy toy company and stole their stock broker action figure idea. So I watched this and then I was like, wait a second, now we have a plot twist, but there's only eight minutes left in the movie. Right, yeah, exactly. I was like, is there a part two I'm supposed to be watching? I don't understand. So, Ari, but the boss man is actually, he says, he tells me, he's like, you know, I don't know.

Okay, I don't tell anybody. I said this, but I'm rooting for you over those assholes from toys and tricks who don't even know what a fucking menorah, right? He's like, I only hire Jews. I'm not allowed to say that. But I'm actually only, I don't really like don't do. But then, of course, he also says he's like, I sure hope your idea doesn't suck as bad as the congressional action figures with comic books that teach you about economics crap the back I tried to sell us. Uh oh. Oh no. Because that's exactly the idea that she.

Except she didn't even have that idea. Her she boy friend is. You're right. Yeah, exactly. And did the laziest choice of the movie. She now walks over to Jonathan and she's like, plot of the movie. Oh no. And he's like, well, that sure does sound tough. When I was a little boy, I used to pretend to be a Maca B

against the Greek. You remember that part of Hanukkah? I made up earlier. It was like Maca B's one second. Runs out to the car while telling him to stall. Yeah, right, right. So she's like, you'll need to stall the party. Sing a Hanukkah song.

He's like, can you tell him that you need five minutes? I feel like you could just say, can you give me five minutes? And he would say, yes, we're in a party. Yeah. I mean, it was so insane that like this entire week and a half, she has known that this was coming up and she needed to have a toy design and couldn't come up with anything aside what her shitty boyfriend said off the cuff.

And then all of a sudden in five minutes, she's like, I've got it. I've got the idea. Yep, done. Right. But so she runs out to her car to change her prototype to circumcise it. I don't know. She's like tears it shirt or something. Yeah, exactly.

Saley rents it's clothing. She puts a nose on it. Yeah, she's. She's. But yeah, so he he distracts him with his song. Well, she does that and she comes back and ready to do her presentation. And she's got Mac a B action figures because no one's ever thought of biblical action figures as a toy before.

Yes, and I think we can all agree that it's a great idea that everyone would want. Yeah, right. She literally comes to her boss and she's like, remember growing up as a Jew? Cause I do. Yeah, right. She's like, remember when you were a kid

and you had to pretend that your Star Wars figures were Maca Bees because only 2.5% of America's population is Jewish and it would be crazy to mass produce products for that small slipper of people. And the boss is like, I do remember that. Well, it looked the way did this. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Like the way he stares at this thing, it's like he's had one of these inserted in him the whole time and he only needs to find one that's exactly like it to coax it out, right? There's this weird, lovey kind of moment that he has.

And he's like, as she's explaining, you know what, kids love his idolatry. We could do a David and a Ruth and an Esther and a little golden cap that could follow him around and have wacky lines. And like without showing anybody else who matters at the company, he goes, we're gonna mass produce it. It'll be out by April. And I'm like, really? Do you know how production works?

Have you spoken to a single production line? It's the same production line. Because it's the same. you're not getting anybody. You can't even get the fucking mold by then. Were you? Definitely not need more time to ship it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's okay. They're going to use all those leftover containers from Operation Warp Speed. So don't worry about that. Oh God. So dark. operation warp speed. So don't worry about it. Oh God. So dark.

Yeah. So Edger sees all of this, right? He sees her do the, the game changing presentation. And he wanders off. And I'm expecting him to come back in with a gun given the way that he wanders off. But no, we'll just never see him again. We established him as a villain two minutes ago. And now we're done with that character. Yeah. And now her and Jonathan are going to have a closed mouth. At least one of us is gay. The movie is over. Exactly. Because she drags him under some real mistletoe. I have never seen less sexual chemistry. Oh, between two actors in a movie. Oh, it's going to be. We have because we do this for a living, but yeah, yeah, no outside of game movies. No, none of this is new to me. Noah. Yeah. So yeah, so they guess she gets the big promotion. And he's like, we were gonna have it out by

April. And she's like, April, and he's like, oh, you're gonna have it out for Passover. And she's like, now you'll have to teach me about Passover. Because they thought they were gonna get a sequel. I can't wear. Oh, yeah. Passover's in Patriarchy. I don't know. We'll work for Trump.

I don't know, but I called dibs on being on that game episode. Hell yeah. All right, all right. It's a deal. All right, so moral of the story. If you're gonna marry a goi, find one who's smarter than you. It's a good thing. All right, well Rachel, I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us. We'd love to have you back on again soon.

It would be my displeasure. All right, well there you go. That's all we ask. And well that's gonna do it for our review of Mistletoe and Menoros. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still have more tackler to tackle. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, I think we can all agree that the only thing more tackler to tackle. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, I think we can all agree that the only thing more tackler than my already Christmas tackler is if there were a tackler within a tackler and nobody tacklers like the sucker punching bigot, Eric Metaxis. So we'll be watching Christmas in New York. What starring Eric Metaxis? It's got sketch comedy sketch comedy. No music. No, and it's got Roseanne bar. Oh special guest. Fuck you. We may not make it out alive. Well, some of us may not anyway. So with that to look for to bring up is a do 78 to a person will close wasn't going to huge thanks to Rachel wax for hanging out with us today and a perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go if you'd like to get something among the other ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and all

your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scaling ad, citation ad, D&D, minus and the skeptic ad available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or send them out to suggestions, you can email god awfulmewisidgemo.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres. Timor opposite takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotney, people dressed on Mars, all of the means to go is written and performed by our audience. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Maca B's action figures went on to the bargain-binnet life-way until they shut down in March of last

year. Kristi and Jonathan lived happily ever after in the shitty gingerbread house he built. Kristi's parents were not okay with her marrying a Jew. Like… not okay. Ha ha ha. By preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved.