God Awful Movies - 279: Christmas in New York with Eric Metaxas

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

On this week's episode, Marsh joins us for an atheist review of Christmas in New York with Eric Metaxas, the heartwarming story of how much worse religious people are at comedy than us. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K

Yeah, he literally says like he's like, well, you know, we've all had towels that don't dry you I'm like, no, the fuck we haven't and then he starts getting like, well, you know xenophobia and you're like really xenophobia And he's like, yep, it's because we started letting all them Chinese towels in in 2006 Yeah, he might as well come out just like completely naked Ha ha! Yeah, he might as well come out just like completely naked, sopping wet. Being like, I use Mattowel and I'm still sopping wet. There must be a better way, my darling.

Ha ha ha! Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OOBE! OO! OOBE! OOBE! OO! OOBE! OO!BE! OBE! OO! OOBE! OOBE! OO!BE! OOBE! OOBE! OO! OOBE! OOBE! OO! OOBE! OO! OOBE! OO! OO! OOBE! OO! OO! OOBE! OO! OBE! OO! OO! OO! OO Keith, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, you know who found the event horizon of comedy? We did. We fucking did. When we watched this show,

say whatever the fuck you want to call it. What I don't know what this is. Yeah, well, you know, who found that is not on the fucking show today, I wonder why? Unfortunately for us, Eli will not be able to join us today. And just as unfortunately for him, at least our special guest mask guest will be able to Michael Marshall is the project director of the Good Thinking Society. He's the host of Be reasonable of the co host of skeptics with the K and if you don't know that by now,

you never will. Marsh, welcome back, sir. Hey, thanks for having us back guys. Lovely to be on what did you make me sit through? I've sat through some shit on this show, but I've always known what it was. And I'm not sure I know what just happened to me. Yeah, neither do I. So I know we always kind of do this, right? And like almost every time you come on, you're like, wow, this was significantly worse than everything you've ever made me watch. And in a sense, it's always true, right?

Yeah. It's like a different axis of worst. And I'm amazed that you keep finding different dimensions of wrong to continue to subject me to, but this is the worst thing I've seen on that particular axis. Yeah. Yeah. No, like in terms of misery per minute, I think this one might just be like top five and everything that we've ever done

in terms of just hard to sit through each second of. Yeah, and no more photons. They're done. So, all right, so that's a lot of setup but we actually haven't told you what we're watching yet. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Christmas in New York. I hate that New York is in the title so much.

Oh, yeah. Christmas in New York with Eric, Mataxus. It's the story of the Dunning Kruger effect. It's an hour long sketch comedy variety show starring Eric Metaxas who clearly got told he was funny by a stripper and decided to make comedy shots. Wow. Exactly. It is done in Kruger comedy and Marsh.

How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the 1960s, Dean Martin Christmas specials, but you really want them to be hosted by someone with only talent and charisma of 2020, Dean Martin. You love this Christmas special. God, even his references had been dead for decades, right? Yeah. All right. So, okay. A quick question before we get to the best words, how hard can Eli go fuck himself for this

one? Right? Because he did this to us. He knew he wasn't going to be here when he chose this. I think Eli just did not want to sit there and watch someone attempt to deliver a sketch to Stony Silence. Because I think it was just sort of triggering him from memories he's had of various gigs gone wrong.

That's the only reason he skipped out. Okay, all right, now that actually makes a ton of fucking sense. I enjoyed it. I liked it. What? I enjoyed it. I'm trying to confuse Eli with his behavior. I don't hear him on what to do now. I got you. Okay, right, right. No, I'll play along. Got you. It's like clicking on random products, right. No, I'll play a lot. Got you. It's like clicking on random products in Amazon. So Jeff Bezos does know what to recommend you.

You just have to be through a lot of sense to distribute it. No, he's there. That's right. Eli, we want to watch Eric Mitaxas in the briar patch next week. All right. Was there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of you in the worst at? Yeah. I'm going gonna go with best worst

Up next on YouTube. Oh really? so for me that was Milton Friedman on Donahue from 1979 What a Donahue? According to this very advanced algorithm, according to mathematics, if you like Eric and Texas, you will love everything that's wrong with America encapsulated in one single interview with the goddamn Godfather of trickle-down economics.

So I actually have a very similar one that are out about way. Mine was a best worst YouTube ads because follow along here, A, there was an ad break every two and a half goddamn minutes in this thing. B, it's hyper conservative and C, I live in Georgia. Oh, yeah. And D, the runoff election was 19 days away when I watched it. So yeah, I saw so goddamn many slow motion clips of Raphael Warnock. So much black and white, John. Awesome. All come you Nils. All brown brown, brown, the black male. There should. You.

Yeah. A lot of that. A lot of that. Pop scares with Cp. a tone and photo negative tone of his face. Well, mine, I had best worst no ending. It's incredible. So they've got Victoria Jackson who I have to look up.

She's beyond SNL. And if you got someone from the cast of SNL, surely you're going to expect to do some role with the punches to improvise in the spot to really keep that live energy. And so she does a few adlibs a couple of times. And at one point Eric just gets so, so mad. He's like, stop the fucking adlibs right now. So good. He's so mad. He's so angry with her. He screams. It's so good. He's so angry with that. He's furious at her. He screams and it's so good. He's so stupid. He can't have basic conversations that aren't on the teleprompter. That's the level of intellect that Erica Mataksa has. What the fuck did you say?

Did you read that off the teleprompter? No, you didn't. Because not up there. Fuck you. Sorry. I was just talking about my pillow, which is my favorite pillow. Yeah. No, we were literally, uh,

it's live in their Christian away from him telling her to fuck off. Yeah, it was great. All right, well, tell you what, once again, we found ourselves in the difficult position of trying to describe not funny and humorous way. So we're going to take a minute to strategize, but when we come back, we'll dive into all the comedic lethargy of Christmas

in New York with Eric Mataxes. All right, folks, welcome to the first writer's room meeting for the Eric Mataxes Christmas special. Alright, so we're gonna have some music in the show, some great towel advertisements, few guest stars. Nice. And we're gonna tie all that together with Skit Comedy. So let's start off with a, well, the brainstorming session for some ideas for skits. All right.

Um, go. Okay, so what if, that's a great start. Okay, cool. What if Eric Metaxus had to like run somewhere? Okay, and... Uh, I didn't get a follow-up.

He gets there. He gets there. Okay. Okay, no, that is a great try. He was running. He was running. Yeah, I get it. It has a beginning and it has an end, but I feel like we're going to need a little more

than that. Dan, I look like you had your hand raised. No, no, I didn't. I thought I thought you did. No, no, both my hands have been under table the entire time. Oh, well, it looks like maybe we're going to, yeah, I thought you were going to say that. Do you have any ideas and he skits?

All right, What if he, potato? What if he potato? What? Yeah, sorry, I panicked. Oh, okay. All right. So, no shaman.

Let's just throw this out. Have any of us ever seen a, a funny mother? Mother doesn't let me watch secular television. Right. Well, no, and right that she should. No. I read family circus, although I do find the rest the comics a little reskare. Yeah, a lot reskare. Yeah, a lot reskare. Yeah. Yeah. That Kathy is a promiscuous little strumpet. It's inappropriate as well as what it is. I'm sorry.

Okay, just get. Do we have any other experiences with humor? Does yellow bile count? I honestly have no idea. All right, well, for all we know, my running somewhere idea is hilarious. You know what, that's actually a very good, but we're gonna roll with that.

We're gonna roll with that. Any other ideas? No. It doesn't matter. That's locked in, meeting a cherd. I'm the vice president of the United States. Not for long, motherfucker. My wife, mother. And we're back for the breakdown. And this movie is gonna offer a pretty solid reason to hate it even before the title puts Eric

Metaxas' name on it. That's when we learned that this was sponsored by the Museum of the Bible. Rough. Yeah. First thing. First thing in this movie show, whatever. Sponsored by the Museum of counterfactuals. Ooh. Got in trouble for buying stolen art relics from black market smugglers employed by hobby lobby. Yes. Wow. That's the start of this thing. Yep. The guys who found out that all of the Dead Sea scroll pieces they had tested were fake, so they didn't have the other pieces tested.

They tried to cover it up and they got caught. Oh, God. Yeah, so, okay, then the title comes up. Christmas in New York with Eric Mitaxes. In just case you didn't know where that was, they put a little pin in New York City for you. Yeah, I mean, New York wasn't a bit that I needed to introduce to.

I put a little New York before that's. New York City. They meant the city. New York, maybe you've heard of it. It's in New York. And just to add some accent to that, we get Eric Metaxas inside the camera with his mouth wrapped around it. You're like, New York. Oh, God, we were so much closer to his face than anyone ever wanted to be. Look, I don't think conservatives should get to use liberal cities in their goddamn credits.

They should have to do this shit in waycross Georgia, right? I'm crispy shit. Waycross goddamn Georgia with Eric Mintax. How about that? Banned. And you're definitely not allowed to do it in like a stalker voice, like you're calling all breath inside the house to New York. You're like New York.

Like New York. No, that would be fine if he did have to do it in Wakecross, to Wakecross, Georgia. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, that's very appropriate there. It's a better sounding Wakecross. The fucking credits come up.

We get Victoria Jackson first. First time Victoria Jackson's ever been lead billing in any fucking thing we go downhill from Victoria and Jackson. I mean would you definitely say it's downhill because next it we've got the couple from Duck Dynasty so we are really pulling out the big deal. Clearly uphill from Victoria. Okay, all right, all right, yep, that's fair. They're delightful in comparison. And I wrote them and I know this is just going to be wall to wall. Americans I have never heard of.

Is this right? It's going to be a succession of people. I've never heard of Eric, Mataxis, until you made me watch this. But I subsequently seen him in lots of other places. Like he started here and he spread. I'm worried he's metaxi-sized. Yeah, it's Malignant. It's official.

He's definitely Malignant. All right. So yeah, so then we see him, they start with this little citizen cane rip off, but they don't know that you're supposed to do something with it, right? He just whispers New York, all rose, but and then that's it. They're done with citizen came, right? Well, until they bring it back beautifully, we in the next it they're done with citizen came right well Until they bring it back beautifully will get to it. Oh, you're right. They do don't they yeah, okay So Victoria Jackson wakes him up from his citizen came nightmare and my god that woman looks stung

She was He really would have preferred to stay in the nightmare than to be walking up by that because I have no idea who she was and I just thought it was Alex Jones doing a mispigging personation that's absolutely what she looks like. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so imagine the Muppet universe that's perfect. They got to have Hentai, right? She looks like Hentai in the Muppet universe for Kermit the Frog. Like it would be humanish, right? She looks like Hentai in the Muppet Universe for Kermit and Frog. Like it would be humanish, right? Yeah, it's if you went through his porn hub history. Sorry, Heath, do you

think this Hentai in the Muppet universe? Absolutely. I think that's how they end up with the cross babies between the pig and the frog. Do you think there was some thing going on there or where are you getting the hint from? Yeah, yeah. Well, they did end up having cartoon babies eventually, the muppets dead. That is true. That is true.

Yeah, it's just making a lot of sense. A lot of them are siblings. It all makes sense. All right, so they start doing this skit, Victoria Jackson and Eric Metaxas do. And I used that in the looser's possible sense of the term, right? It's like watching something somebody's fucking kids made and then they made you sit through

it as though they were your fucking kids, right? This whole time I was just like, please be a sketch about Phil Hartman's last day on earth. I really hope that this is. Eric Metaxas looks exactly like Phil Hartman and it's very disturbing. Wow. I didn't think about that, but yeah, that is kind of creepy. So yes, but the crux of the little bit that they're doing here is that Victoria Jackson forgot to buy the coffee and he's late for his Christmas special, whatever will he do.

So he runs to the window and they do this little Christmas carol bit where he's yelling to the boy on the street to go get him a coffee. But it makes no sense because they haven't set it up in any kind of, they don't have to set anything up and anything they do manage to set up, they don't know how to deliver on it. Because he says, what day is it? Well, the spirits have done it all in one night. It's like, what spirits?

You haven't showed us any spirits that are like the sense in the set up you've given us here. Yeah. Mars, you said deliver. I don't think they know about that part. No, they do setups a lot. And I think they think that's done. They're done. They finished their job.

Yep, exactly, exactly. I'm not, not who's there. I told you we're done. Exactly. So come on in. Yeah, okay. So he's knock who's there. I told you we're done. Exactly. So come on in. Yeah. Okay. So he's yelling in the way he's like, Oh, can you go to the coffee place around the street? He says, you mean that coffee place that shut down for racial sensitivity training? Paul's for applause break. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, my god. Wait for that punchline to land.

Strap the fucking people. That's the's doing training, is the punchline here. Why would you meant if a coffee shop had to shut down, literally shut down for racial sensitivity training? You don't announce that you're a regular. That's crazy what must have happened at that coffee shop. Okay, so now this is a take on Starbucks. Like Starbucks had that thing where they shut all of their stores down for a couple hours one day for racial sensitivity training because they had that viral video where they kicked out a

couple of black people for waiting in their restaurant. Well, black. So he's, he's making fun of racial sensitivity training in general and, and Starbucks is use of it. Oh, and he's admitting he's a regular at star box with their. So the guys like, yeah, I'll get you a copy and he throws him a duck and the guys like, why would you throw me a duck? And I'm like, okay, so the characters in this show are now asking for clarification on the show and the clarification. He gets a clarification and it's not useful. He says, why would you throw me a duck and not a chicken? And Eric Metax's punchline to that is, I haven't got time to tell you.

What? Then don't include it in the script. Yeah. Don't include him asking the question in the script. You don't need to do it. I didn't fall. We do do that. We didn't come back. Do it or anything. One-slime TBA nailed it. And this is where I wrote, I just know that 80% of my notes this entire thing is going to be verbatim excerpts

from the script because there's nothing you can say about it that it doesn't say it tells us by giving you the words they've said. Exactly, okay, exactly. All right, so now it's time for him to spin himself into a cheap suit and then run through New York through a wacky montage. Yeah, this is one of his seven thousand changes of jackets in this one hour thing.

Yes. For no reason, he's like, better change out of this velvet jacket that I own that professors who are, you know, disgracefully leaving their university where they're receiving every so my awesome velvet jacket, Tuxedo. All right. So yeah, so he's just running through New York and he's running past all like, you know, familiar New York landmarks, all of them within like three blocks of each other. But we know New York, you'll notice that.

And this whole montage, it's more boring and badly shot than like a strange, his holiday video of New York. That's what it feels like they're subjecting us to here. Oh yeah, exactly right. And I wrote my notes here, I'm like, oh, how awesome would it be if somebody just sucker punched the shit out of me?

That's my task. But instead, he comes across three women that he paid to pretend to recognize him is a thing that happened in real life. Right? He runs by and they're like, wait, aren't you the famous Eric, my taxes? Now, this is the first time that will happen. It happens about eight more times in the next 30 seconds of this special.

Yeah, sir, sir, holy shit, Phil Hartman, I thought you died. Fuck you. Yeah, because he, he tells them he's like, Oh, I don't have time to take a selfie with you. I'm very important, very busy, but come be in my show. All right. And then he he comes across the guy in the horse drawing carriage and that guy also recognizes me. He's like, aren't you the famous Eric Bataxis also?

Does he definitely recognize him? Cause he's very clearly been paid to recognize him, but even though he's been paid to do it, he still doesn't quite remember the name. He's meant to be recognized. He's a much more like, aren't you Eric? My citizens, citizens, citizens, citizens. Alex Jones, hey, fuck you.

And then, so he gets out of the ride with the the horse drawing carriage and he's like, all right, this isn't going fast enough. I got to get downtown fast from a thing. I better take this sightseeing bus through. Oh yeah, square. Yeah, that'll get you right there. Oh, Jesus, I love it. Like, obviously, if you're trying to have a montage of getting through the city quickly, you would be in the subway at some point, but Eric with Texas wouldn't do that. But it'll get on a sightseeing bus.

Yeah. You're kicked out of New York, man. I'm so angry. He lives in that brownstone near Central Park that he shot from. I bet he's got lenders bagels in his home somewhere. All right. So so now we cut for it. We cut to the stage for this show, right? This was all this entire like nine minute thing was all the opening skit for his stage

show. Apparently. Yeah. And most of it is just him miming to Elton John's step into Christmas, which is, I would say, the most obnoxious of the Christmas songs anyway. So they're really set in the stage for how hateful this entire thing is going to be, where he thinks it's really cool that he's on a bus miming to Elton John, and it's not even the only time he'll be miming unironically to a song that isn't very good in this hour-long bit. No, this is the better of those times actually.

Yeah, it is. It is. Oh, John's song. All right. So disappointed. So now we cut to the stage where this whole dumbass thing is going to take place. And we get this very, very quick audience pan right off the bat. And it's one of those trying to get warm audiences. So if you live in New York, you know this audience, right off the bat. And it's one of those trying to get warm audiences. So if you live

in New York, you know this audience, right? This is the audience of people that had to stand outside waiting for some other thing. And then a bunch of people roped them in and they're like, we have warmed and they're like, yeah, all right, it's like an hour, you know, right? Yeah, there are like 40 or 50 people in this audience as well. We see it later on, we see a proper shot. They try to hide as much as possible. The empty rolls in the theater, but later we do get to see them. And I just wrote that I'd be disappointed with the turnout this small at a skeptics in the pub talk that I'd given. And one that the group had forgotten to advertise. And then inadvertently told people the wrong venue for the level of audience we've got here. They're all like Eric, Mattaxes, no, no, not now, not now. You're just gonna be on

your family, you're just gonna. Yeah, oh, speaking of which, so yeah, so he starts doing his opening monologue and those girls that he invited from before come, you know, the rock attacks, they come going by now, three of them are kicking like the rockettes. And then there's a fourth one who can only get her leg about to her thigh. And I love her. So goddamn, maybe she thinks it's just not worth this. Like, man, I don't go full high. You paid way high. No more. Exactly. Kick for Alex Jones. But. And they come out in the middle of his talk. It might look to the point

where I was just like, Oh my God, did they miss a queue? Is that how that was supposed to happen? Now, once we see how bad they are at Skatecom and you realize that no, that was probably supposed to happen exactly then, but at the moment it's like, wow, they must have fucked up the queue. Yeah.

By the way, this is all happening at the TBN theater. Yes. Owned by the billionaire crouch family. The Trinity Broadcasting Network. That's what they, uh, and this is a literal quote, the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary called TBN, a huge embarrassment to evangelical Christianity for decades. That's rough. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Compared to the Southern Baptist. I can't. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. This is the this is the white Apollo theater in Manhattan.

So yeah. So he does this little opening monologue, which mostly consists of if I could build the Blasio being a communist. Oh god. And he bails out of those jokes. There's one line where he's like, you know, it will happen Leo in the old days, but before mead to Blasio made it always winter, never cruise. And he bails out of this joke like four times, even he can't be asked to get through this lackluster script. And that is setting the tone. Well, and this is the first time where we noticed that like the, so I love the audience in this show. So God, yeah, much now we'll get, because there's one skit in particular where they turn on him and basically start just throwing potatoes at him. But this is the first hint that we

get that they're not into this because he says, you know, a lot of people say New York is in Christmasy enough, but twice the night before Christmas was written right here. And then the audience just doesn't do anything. They're like, do you have a joke about that or anything? And he's like, that's kind of the thing that an audience would clap for right. That there was a poem. It's, you're such a long, long, long, long, long. And he's just like, right down the strip, fuck you guys.

Nobody. It was the right, that poem invented reindeer. By the way, I don't even know the day invented reindeer in that poem the audience is just like wait are we supposed to clap for the proximity of the poem's genesis right now okay I guess I mean yeah my I mean yeah it's not the fucking time for the clap

haha haha haha haha haha and then he tries to do okay so there's so there's a there's a choke level that's one step above dad joke We call them in the business Andy Wilson jokes So he tries to do that the Andy Wilson joke of like we got some great guests for you

Maybe you've heard of you know, and then you name two famous people and they're like yeah couldn't get them Instead we got these people but he fucks it up so bad cause he uses two people who have been dead for so long. Yeah, yes, Bob Hope and Dom Deliwis. Maybe he put a Bob Hope. Do you think he's come in cause he's been dead 16 years every way he can. Bob Hope and Dom Deliwis and then he's like, well, Victoria Jackson is here though.

It's so sad. Yeah, he's like, we have a many, a many amazing guests, one of whom you've heard of. A duck dynasty guy is going to be here. He's pretty excited about that. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is paying for. There's one joke that I hated so much. I basically did a full critique of as well. The joke as delivered is, you know, the Aramaic word for Bethlehem is actually Lincoln tunnel. And there's so much to unpack about how they fuck that gag up. Because I think I think they're going for, you know, the word Bethlehem is actually Aramaic for Lincoln Tunnel. Which is a thing that you'd be going to,

but the thing is one, the Aramaic word for Bethlehem is Bethlehem, I would think. I would think, yeah, when they got that far off place. Yeah. Lincoln Tunnel is not the Aramaic word for anything let alone Bethlehem, but even if it was, a tunnel is a way of getting to a place. So why would you pick that when Bethlehem was the place

they were getting to, you pick something else to compare to Bethlehem off to compact, but you've picked the wrong genre of thing because no one's going to the Lincoln tunnel to be in the Lincoln tunnel. That's the one thing you know about Bethlehem is going to Bethlehem to be in Bethlehem not because it was on route to fucking Cairo. That's it. Well, that's the most bizarre thing about it. Despite the three things that you listed in ways that they fucked up, the joke still doesn't work. If you get all of those right, no, it doesn't. Jesus, they're bad at this. All right. So now they're going to take another crack at skit comedy here. So we head over to the North Pole's HR department. HR department. Can you imagine? And scene. I did write down that before the sketch even started, I wrote down that they are going to spend less time and put less skill into the writing of this sketch than one of the

ad skits this show does to just throw away about like unionizing elves or something like that. You got to get right and throw away. Okay. Well, they put exactly the amount of effort that I did making intentionally bad jokes. I was like, uh, Santa gets replaced by like Jeff Bezos, I've bad or something like that. Literally, that's the next thing that happens. Yep. Yep. So Victoria Jackson is playing the HR department lady who's telling Santa about all the problems with Santa ism. And she has this one joke where she's like, you know, today it's coming down somebody's chimney is considered. Now it's written.

I'm sure breaking and entering. Those are the words that she's supposed to be saying. Bon mo, bon mo. I'm a real person. Oh God laughing at this joke. Instead of the audience. Wow. There's this bad joke.

Alyssa's this three person laugh track that was so bad. I assumed that the two of them watched back over their own skin and laughed in other people voices when it came up. It was so bad. I just assumed it was like the crew members sort of laughing at how bad it was. And then they mistook that for a genuine laugh. Just kept it in because the thing is Victoria Jackson, her performance here is, well, it feels a lot like she's seeing every line for the first time at the moment.

She reads it like she's not bothered investing in this. She hasn't read the script ahead of time. She's reading every single line as she needs to read it, kind of like me doing an ad read for this show. That's what my favorite, my personal favorite meal is, is it? I'm really into tacos. It turns out right. It's pork carnitas tacos.

I know that about you with my right, Jack. That's real. So what's amazing is that ad hasn't come up yet in the show. So what the fuck are they talking about? That is his favorite. All right. So yeah, so they start doing this bit and the whole bit is supposed to be, could you imagine if Santa had the confront cancel culture, right?

That's what it is in their mind, but they don't know. They can't come up with any jokes that use that premise So instead they're just pointing out things like yeah, you're not allowed to like Whip animals anymore go down people's chimneys, right? That's it and at a certain point Somebody like leaned over the laugh track button and didn't realize he'd done it for a good two minutes done it for a good two minutes. And the thing is, there are some very small pockets of ideas that might be considered half funny that have somehow made it into the script, but any one of those are just ruthlessly snuffed out by the performance. A bit like after a massacre where one soldier has to go around and like stab random meet the party body It is the company of the police of being that guy.

Exactly. I mean, at one point, they make a joke about Blitzen using the end word, right? Is, is, am I mistaken? That's literally what happened. No, it's not exaggerating. That's literally a joke. Yep. In this.

Yep. And, and the joke is, man, they should go easier on Blitzen, right? That's the direction that the joke is coming from. It's about heritage that word. It's not. Well, yeah, because they they use that to, you know, like speaking and using the N word, let's defend Roseanne Bar. Oh, rough. Yeah, they're talking about how like one tweet can end a career, you know, just like Rose Ann Bar apparently her career got ended by a tweet.

I don't know. I was really going strong right before that awful asshole. She was on top of the world. I can't wait to watch Rose Ann Bar start competing for jobs with Victoria Jackson. Like this. That's happening. to watch Roseanne Bar start competing for jobs with Victoria Jackson. Well, I'm at 90% show that Eli announced that it was Roseanne Bar in this on the last episode when he threw forward to it. So that's the level she's currently at with. Yeah, no, he absolutely said that

she is not in this, by the way, but listen along waiting for her to show up. No, it's, it's just Victoria Jackson fighting against that Xanax very, very hard losing more and more. And I have to point this out because this is so fucking funny and it's going to come back later. Victoria Jackson is doing this thing that people sometimes do when they're doing a skit and they haven't read it before and it's not well written where they just start adding lines at the end to try to make it sound more natural or adding words. So she's done with the skit as it's written and Eric Metaxas is trying to cut in and she's like actively rewriting it. So he has to constantly start talking and then stop and talk again. And I only point

that out because that sets the seeds for an amazing confrontation that we're going to get to later. Oh, it's, it's the absolute greatest. It's the absolute greatest. But when they've got that line about how one tweet will end Santa's career, I love the fact that they brought that up just after they said about how, you know, he watches children all the time and that's a huge vision of privacy, that triggers kids. And then he complains that one tweet, you know, do something wrong, one tweet, lend your career. And it's like, yeah, you're right, feeling constantly monitored and worried you'll be punished for any minor indiscretion. Isn Is uncomfortable? Is it Santa Claus?

Santa Claus? Eric Mataxis also. Yeah. I'm ready. Literally this sketch is about how Eric Mataxis is triggered by the word triggered existing. Yeah. That's what it's about. Yeah.

No, I think you're exactly fucking right. You can't yell slurs in his favorite coffee shop anymore. But I think there's one point where she's made like, she said, oh, there's some things you can't be doing. I've made a list and he's like, list, list, how dare you? Santa invented lists. Yeah, what? Yeah, Santa invented list because before that, all items had to be one item. Just one item. You can have multiple of items. All right, yeah, but the punchline here is that Santa gave her call for Christmas and she doesn't

want it because Cole is a fossil fuel and they don't like fossil fuels. Those liberals in the HR department that won't let you say the Edward. I like it. All right, no, no, I like it. Oh, all right. Well, tell you what, clearly everyone involved with this special needs a reminder of what the fuck sketch is supposed to mean. So we're going to pause for a quick any goddamn thing but this, but we'll back soon with even more Christmas in New York with Eric, Mataxxus. Hey, he's watching you in there, buddy? Are you eating cheese like an apple? Yeah, it's sort of as a wheel of cheese, round, makes sense. Sorry, do you think apples are shaped like a wheel?

I'm not, you know, I'm moving past it. I'm just moving straight on past that. Look, look, all I'm saying is I think you should start thinking about making entire meals out of food, you know, just sometimes. Entire meals of what am I, Jude Law? No, I don't have time for setting up elaborate dinners with multiple foods, like a fancy person. Well, why don't you just try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh? Hello Fresh is America's number one meal kit. They send you fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door.

So you can skip those trips to the grocery store. They make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. All right. Go on. I wasn't enough. Okay. Well, it's super flexible. You can easily change it every day's

or meal plan preferences, and you can skip a week whenever you need to. Just write on the app there. I'd like two more points about that, if you don't mind. Okay, well, one of us is about 90% of the ingredients are sourced directly from grows to ensure peak flavors and ripeness. Okay.

And there's something everyone will enjoy, including 20-minute meals, low calorie versions, vegetarian, kid-approved recipes, and more. One of my favorite things on there is the pork carnitas tacos with pickled onion and Monterey Jack-Gees. Oh, Monterey Jack, like a wheel of it right next to the taco. No, not a wheel next to the taco. It's actually shredded on top. It's pretty cool. Oh, nice. Okay, that sounds easier than what I was picturing. Okay, so how do I sign up? You just need to go to hellofresh.com-gam80

and use the code gam80 at checkout to get $80 off including free shipping. Okay, so just to be clear, you're saying go to hellofresh.com slash Gam 80 and use the code Gam 80 check out to get $80 off, including free shipping. That's absolutely correct. Right, I am in. So we want a couple of grabs of this jelly or what? No, I don't want to have what I can only assume is loose handfuls of jelly. Okay, what do you, damn Judy, Dench? Talking to you is such a weird experience. Like, I do not know how

to respond to literally any of the things that you say jelly balls. Jelly balls. Catch it. Hi, excuse me, Mr. Metaxis. Yes. Yeah, I'm Brandon and I'm going to be your music director for the big TBN special. Great, great, great. So let me introduce you to the rest of the crew. This is Sean, my publicist. This is my agent Gary. This is Bob, he's the head writer and these are my recognizers, John, Marianne and Todd. Sorry.

These are your, you're recognized, do you say recognizers? Recognizers, yeah. They, they rushed ahead of me wherever I'm going and recognized me as I walk by. They recognize you. Recognize you. Yeah, that's the name of the job. So like, I'll walk by and one of them be like, oh my God, are you Eric with taxes? The famous conservative radio host and best selling author. I'll be like, yeah,

yeah, that's me. Okay, I see. Yeah. Yeah. And they'll like beg me to take selfies with them. And of course, I won't because I mean far too much of a hurry. I have so many important conservative radio host things to do. And then they'll rush around behind me and maybe like cut through a hotel lobby and they'll recognize me again a few blocks down. We just like keep doing that. And that's all they do. No, it's not all they do. Of course not.

Okay. Okay. So like when I take a taxi, for example, they'll drive alongside and try to take pictures of me and like when I'm eating at an outdoor cafe, they'll stand across street and ask passing strangers if I look like Eric Metaxas to them, which of course I do because I am the Eric Metaxas. There's lots of different stuff they do. Marianne is actually my full-time stalker too.

Aren't you Marianne? I sure am, boss. Yep. You pay a woman to stalk stalker too. Aren't you, Mary Ann? I sure am, boss. Yep. You pay a woman to stalk you. Yeah, and let me tell you, it is not cheap either. That restraining order stays on her record no matter what. It sure does, boss.

All right, all right, all right. Look, please don't take this the wrong way, but can you not see how some people might see this as Really sad and pathetic Hmm, I don't know I hang out with Victoria Jackson in the my pillow guy It's like sad and pathetic mascot theory. You know the mascot theory. Yeah got well played well played, right? Can you get me a homo code for a pillow bar? No, shut the fuck up. Okay, okay.

And we're back and apparently we haven't suffered enough yet because we're gonna open up this section on their special musical guest, Melanie Penn. If had one sketch. Yup, they're already moving. Oh wow, that is brutal. All right. So how do we describe? So,

evil universe Anna, right? She is very interesting looking. She looks like, okay. So imagine Victoria Jackson, right? This person, what's her name? Who's the musical again? Melanie Penn. Melanie Penn looks like the

nesting doll two or three below Victoria Jackson. He's wearing this fucking Holly, your thing coded dress of some sort rhyming the words possible and impossible in her chorus. Yes. Well, it's it's possible, which rhymes with impossible, which then rhymes with possible again. And she has the platonic form of vacant expression. It is just dead behind the eyes, just looking at her, made me actively stupid. There is no hole in her head that didn't look like something was about to crawl out of it exactly. And she's playing the guitar for no fucking reason.

It's so bad. She can't play the guitar. No, she gives a miss of no. She's holding her guitar. Like I'm pretty sure the piano, there's a piano player. I'm pretty sure that guy can handle playing the root every four bars as a club. With a piano. It's so bad.

Also, if she was a boss villain, I would aim for the teeth. Right. Seriously, the acoustics of those teeth are actually having an effect on this song. And her guitar playing, it's so bad that I half expected her at some point. It's like, Paul's, wait, wait, wait, I've got this, I've got this. I can't restretch for a car. Okay. Lain. Wait.

Wait. Lain. No. I didn't tune it. I didn't tune it. Lain. Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He's furious. She starts drumming like me starting to dance. It's this long process. And you

never get, I never get there. I'm never actually dance the word for her dance is not what I end up doing at any moment. Yeah. Well, and the verb play is not what she ends up doing. So yeah, no perfect analogy. So yeah, so that goes on for 27 goddamn years. Yeah, I've no idea how long it was or what happened in it. I definitely watched it, but I can't remember very much or any of it. I went into some sort of fuk state. I was so happy to have you take yourself from me. It's like a self-defense mechanism in the body. Yeah.

Yeah. A fuk of the exactly three chords that she knows over and over. Oh, yeah. I would say nose. At one chords that she knows over and over. Yeah, I would would we say knows. At one point, the piano player looks over. He's like, Oh, are you, you, you're trying a fourth chord over there? And she's like, fuck you. I was going, but no, no, no, no, no, no, I won't. I could. So you see how good I am at G. You think I'm ready for a fourth fucking quarter? Howie, howie, my finger. I got a cramp, I got a cramp, no.

Three, we're going three chords. All right, so now it's time to make fun of Greeks, because hey, it's not racist if they're European, right? So, and it actually even starts with, like Eric, my tax is going, well, as you guys know, my dad's Greek, so I'm totally allowed to do this. Why would we know that? Why would anybody know that? Why would any of us know that?

Like, I've never heard of him. I haven't memorized his fucking Ancestri.com page. Yeah, right. Well, you know, people recognize me in New York all the time. It happens constantly. Saw it in the intro. But just before we get the Greek characters back to cut to as well, he says, I apologize in advance.

We weren't really able to edit this, which that, first of all, that apology has come 20 minutes too late. But he says it all like several shots that cut from one shot to another shot, which is editing. So I can only assume he means we weren't really able to edit as in they lack the skill rather than the opportunity. Like we give it a go, but we call it together. They have to edit him explaining that they weren't gonna edit what they would have to edit. Well, and so you assume that that's the setup for a joke where things are gonna go progressively wrong or something

or there's gonna be a fight that you normally would edit out. Okay, that would have been funny. Right, but none of that happened. There was no reason for him to say that. No, he was done with the premise. Christmas plus Greek done. Yup. Right.

Well, and also, okay, so they, this is so goddamn heavily edited, because it clearly like, Metaxas could not get six words through without fucking something up, right? So it constantly we're caught to his feet or we're cut into some on his desk right there's all of these just band-aid cuts Constantly in it why bring that up and have us looking for Okay speaking of the desk

What was happening here so Clearly somebody in this writers's room was like, all right, he's Greek, right? We say we're doing a Greek guy. What's a Greek thing? Golden mask of agamemnon, but not on the wall. I was thinking sitting loose on the desk. That's Greek, right?

It's Greek. Yeah, exactly. He's Greek, it's Greek. And it was hard because watching it, I saw that. And then throughout the sketch, he keep talking about him wanting to light a cigarette. And I assumed, because I thought this was a comedy sketch, and somebody who's going to get that and use it as an asterisk, and we find that that's just an asterisk of the basketball game, not, but not because there you go. There you go. Real comedy. None of this happens. Nothing happens. No.

Right. But I would have been fine. What's so funny is like, we kept trying to find a way that this was a joke, but nothing ever was. No. Nothing happens. It was just like, this is Dr. Harolambos, Shammika, Luka, Luka, Liss. First of all, not an MD offensive. But the whole thing is just Eric Metax is doing a voice. That's. Yep. Hit. Well, he's got a funny mustache. But yeah, he's got a mustache. Yeah, he's got a mustache as well. It's a mustache. And like, but it's really just the voice. And yeah, I'd make fun of using voices to cover lack of content here. But I feel that he lies not here to defend himself. content here, but I feel about Eli's not here to defend himself. So, like, the whole stick here is, boy, them Greeks are a bunch of air souls, huh?

Right? It's not fair to say there's no punchlines in this whole bit. I mean, I've got a punchline I've written out here. He says, the name, the hammer, lock a loss has been our family a long time. That's why we're called the hammer lock a loss family a punchline and then and my reaction there was the exact same as the audiences right? Yeah And the thing is he even tries to like he has the sound guy who's miking him up

He asked him about his tattoos because and this is very clearly him trying to sort of roll and ad lib in character, but he totally fumbles for anything to say after that. And then there's like several different edit points which meant he wasn't actually fast enough in that moment you ad lib anything in character, but he still insisted his weak eventual chat stayed in. So I just want to know how long did they wait for you? Like, no, no way. I've got a, I've got a, I've got a, I'll get, I'll get, I'll get, I'll try to remember that. I'm just trying to remember the word for it. Well done. I've got a joke. Bethlehem. Oh, and then because again, he doesn't know what comedy is. They add this element that this character wants to smoke a cigarette,

but he's not allowed to because, you know, cancel culture, cancel everything and everything's ruined. Cause liberals are whatever. But he thinks now that he's given this character a personality trait or characteristic that can be brought up repeatedly. He's done with his comedy. Right. Eli's not here, man.

Just like. You're, that's, this is just not classy. You're absolutely right. I mean, that's not fair. An Eli defends garlic bread is totally different from cigarettes. It's a totally different type of thing. There's way more new ones to garlic bread. So it's something he's said before in the past. No, it's right. Funny. All right. So now we get done with that character. Don't worry. He'll be back.

And then we get this little bit that opens up with Eric Metaxas explaining that he loves being a load on Christmas. That's how he wants it. He wanted his family to disown him over those racist tweets. And what was this? What was going on here? wanted his family to disown him over those racist tweets. And what was this? What was going on here? This is such a satellite.

The best thing about Christmas is being alone. Says everybody who nobody wants to spend Christmas with. I'm gonna go. Okay. It's not something we'll enjoy. Solitude. So, yeah, some people are just responsible. There's a pandemic which is responsible is a pandemic on we get it. He's the science right.

If you're just preparing for the pandemic, I'm sorry. Previous year, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. So yeah. So he's like, I love being alone on Christmas. It gives me a chance to read one of my favorite books. And he pulls out this book.

Now this book is so comically short. It's 11 pages long. And I thought that was going to be the joke, but it's even worse. This is a children's book that he wrote. Mm hmm. That he just identified as one of his favorite books. Oh my God. That he even asks us to clear out for him to read. So he says, could you clear out for 10 to 20 minutes. How about 33 minutes, 30 seconds? You know, I'll come back just for the code. Yeah. So he starts reading this book that he wrote, which is apparently about Heath. I didn't, we just only got the first line. It's a book about the giant lie that everybody's happy about

the kids they had. That's what it's about. Okay, all right, all right. But they're all lying. Never. I've talked to you when you're being honest. You're lying. It's Stockholm syndrome. It's nothing more than Stockholm's and parenting is Stockholm syndrome.

All right. But as he's reading, he gets a knock on the door. Whoever could it be? Yes, they literally go with you. Whoever could it be, stick. And wouldn go with you, whoever could it be, Stick. And wouldn't you know what? It's Elf on the shelf. The latest seasonally fucking with your kids ability to process reality for fun toy. Right? Oh, this sketch is so rough. Okay, but there's a twist, isn't there?

Is that to this premise? Oh, yes, because he's large. He's not bigger now. He's a human sized elf on a shelf. A shelf is small and he's big now. Imagine that. I mean, he's bigger than a shelf. There's no, he's bigger than that. That's funny, right there.

He's bigger than shelves. He carries a shelf with him to show you how much bigger he is than it. He can no longer sit on the shelf. So ridiculous of a situation. He even explains like the kids can't even lift me up to put me on the shelf. Yes. Long silence, long silence. Yeah. I think it's like hearing them deliver what are meant to be punchlines to total fucking

silence actively hurt me like I was physically pained watching them just turn and moat to the audience and the audience give them nothing back. Oh, no, they were in physical band two because they were like, don't talk about the rules of love on the shelf. Yeah. About the detail of that. They would just twist this thing. Oh, I was saying, like, yeah, the stone cold non reaction from the crowd was so bad. You started wondering if they'd walked out. Like, it was three jokes in a row where, like, clearly, the audience didn't even realize

a punchline had happened. Oh, it was, like, literally the next level down from what we saw as the audience just shooting the performers to death, right? And without any reaction from the audience and without the existence of any real punchlines at all, this sketch just descends into a very slow factual exploration of what it would be like if a toy was lying in the bowl. It's just a conversation about that. Yeah.

So eventually he realized, he's like, Hey, you know what, I could be alpha on a shed, huh? Because I would still be able to sit on one of those. Yeah. And they start talking about the structural integrity of sheds. And I felt like I'd been like warped into the dad corner at a gathering of my extended family. But it's the next thing they do is move on to talking about what rods they use to get to this place,

which roundabouts are going to wear home. I know that's exactly what happened. Did you see A6-8-4? Another's road works on it. Oh, yes, yes, what you got to pass the school. I took the Bethlehem tunnel. You know what I mean. What? And just when you're thinking to yourself, man, this sketch is bad, but it doesn't have any antisemitism in it. So, man, this sketch is bad, but it doesn't have any anti-Semitism in it. Mench on a bench shows up dressed as 1930s German propaganda. On a bench. Correct. Dressed as propaganda from Nazi Germany.

Yes. Now, that was bad, but I guarantee you, the first draft was a rabbi riding a lesbian, and then they were just like, no, I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. It's going to be two different slow words. Yes, they're right. That's clever. We're not doing that. Again, the audience is, they have no idea that this was even supposed to be funny. They're like, are we supposed to feel bad for the elf now? No. And I read my taxes is trying to force the comedy here. And he's like, he

says, you're also huge. This isn't making any sense. It's like, yeah, it's not his size. That's confusing me about all of this. That's last week. And then the Jewish character just looks around and goes, Oh, was mentioned a bench, the whole thing. That's all I was here for. I'm leaving now. I'm leaving now, bye. Right, that's it. Yeah, because Eric's like, oh yeah, I'm not Jewish and the mentioned a bench says, huh, such a pity you're not Jewish. You should be so lucky.

So yeah, the one thing we can say about Jewish people is that historically, they've been blessed with nothing but constant good fortune. So the one who's always on the line through all of Jewish history. Okay, we're done with me. Ben, ben, ben, and I, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp,

bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp and then Eric and the the Elf are standing there going like, wow, I guess you're still here. So the skits not over. He's like, yeah, I guess I'll leave. And then he leaves at a dog

attack. So we can hear that happen. And that's that. That was the punchline. A dog mulling an elf of the state. Like fucking edipus stabbing his eyes. Oh, speaking of stabbing your eyes out, it is now time for some swamp wisdom. So Eric Metaxus introduces duck dynasty patriarch and guy who gets a whole subway guard who himself when he goes to New York, Phil Robertson. Yeah, the great Phil Robertson as he's introduced the great Phil Robertson. You know, the star of duck dynasty and the star of that viral CPAC clip where he fantasized about an atheist family being raped and killed that great Phil Robertson. That's the guy. I forgot about that. Yeah. It is. And he is more charming by far than

Eric Metaxus. Well, that's, yeah, exactly, exactly. He's taller than negative zero feet. Yes, exactly. So, yeah, so they're doing this bit where they're walking around Manhattan and he's looking for squirrels to hunt because he's from the swamp and swamp people eat squirrels. That's the whole bit.

Yeah, and the bit is, what, does eight million people live here? There's not what, there's eight million people live here. There's not enough squirrels for eight million people to eat. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yep. That's the whole bit. And there's a bit where he kills a pigeon and a squirrel, and I have never envied wild animals more.

I've never. Okay, this happens in Central Park. Yes. Okay, this happens in Central Park. Yeah. He's firing a fucking rifle in Central Park, Manhattan, New York City. Yep. That's insane. I wanted him to pan over and just show like cops frisking a black guy. Yeah.

Really? Right there. Well, and then Eric with taxes is like, wait, the cops are going to come. We can hear the sirens in the background. He's like, you can't shoot guns in Central Park. De Blasio is a communist. And he's like, don't worry. This is a really poorly written skit.

I have a magical bag that'll take you to the swamps of Louisiana. I'm like, how is that better than a jail in New York City? I have a magical bag that'll get us out of this skit that we don't have a turn for. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Who is this phone? Who is enjoying this?

Who did they think was enjoying this? What? So. Yeah. All right. So now they're in a swamp together. Just chillax and Phil starts waxing poetic about the meaning of Christmas and reminding us that there is literally no way of tackling that story that doesn't make it sound silly, awful or both.

But imagine going through the effort of flying all the way to Louisiana together and not putting any effort into writing the script while you're there, or even on the plane, you know, just take a, take a pad and paper and scribble some stuff on the plane. You would have something to work with when you got there. Nope. Phil Roberts is looking over to him. Hey, what are you doing? You're just watching Netflix there.

I figured maybe you would write up a, because nothing happened. I was just in a skit with you and it worked out really bad. So we're gonna do that again. Nothing happened. Do that again, okay. Yeah, so Phil starts explaining to us, because he's a master of logic

about how impossible it would be for the Bible, for the beginning of the Bible, to predict the end of the Bible. Yeah, and therefore Jesus is real. And then he adds, he's like, yeah, amazing how the Bible predicted Jesus. How could they have ever done that? And then they predicted Jesus coming back, which is awesome.

And he cuts. Can we use the bag to go somewhere else? He says as well about how you, you can't just dream up a story with that amount of history behind it. Is that no, no, not dreaming up a story with history behind it is easy after that history has happened. Yeah, it's an awesome. And the history should run up, but that's the tricky. Yeah, that's a tricky bit.

And also by history, you mean the rest of the Bible. So much more like writing the next Bond film, having seen the previous Bond films and pointing out how much they have in common in order to argue that bond is definitely real. That is the argument using it. It's exactly the same as that. Yeah, exactly. And also, by the way, like we can read the Old Testament for ourselves, right? Like so even as unimpressive as it would be if the Bible actually did predict the Bible,

it doesn't. Right? Like they didn't even get the fucking name of the guy right in the New Testament. Supposed to be fucking a manual, you dumbasses. Anyway, yeah, exactly. But yeah, we have this whole big long. How could a book predict what would happen in the book if it wasn't true moment? Can't cheat off the Asian kid if you can't read. Yeah. There's a little bit as well where he says that, you know, in the Bible, it says that Satan was told that someone from the seed of a woman will crush your head. And we know, you

know, that someone born of a woman is going to crush him. Is that how could the prophets have known that it would be someone born from a woman? People from women. So, and then and Eric to that, he airs this, you know, fill it's great here and you talk about stuff like this because you know, you're not burdened by rationality or understanding or anything like that. Oh, personal hygiene. Yeah. Yeah, right.

Very comforting. And then there's this amazing fucking moment, which I thought was the absolute peak of the fuck. Well, okay, the second, second to the peak of the show, him getting pissed at Victoria Jackson is still coming up where he goes, so hey, Phil Robertson of Doug Dynasty, could you sing us a Christmas song? And he's like, no. End of bit. That was it. Who's amazing? Do you know any Christopher songs? I don't sing. Great Panther. Nice one.

Yeah. Most of those fucking songs are written by Jews. No. Yeah, but in lieu of a song, Phil's gonna tell us a story around the kitchen table. You're here. And he, he's one of those people who gets on a chair by stepping over the back of it like an absolute prick like a. You turn in the chair backwards

to sit at your own table. We're not we're not facing each other. This is crazy. Yeah. So it was it's just telling us the story. It was a dark and stormy night and after the storm, they went out and they found this critter in a ditch in the yard. Okay, why would there be a ditch in your yard? What are you doing? Why would you have that? A catch, rain, water.

That means y'all, y'all, you can have a ditch. What else are you gonna have a ditch? You're, I'm not saying you're not allowed to, but I wanna know what's happening there. You, to catch rainwater, is that what you said? Yeah, it's like, I'm guessing like 50% of the houses in the country that have ditches up front with a rainwater.

Wait, what? Why, why you got to rainwater? Did you just, couldn't you just have like a barrel under your gutter? No, no, just, so the, in any kind of flood, pro and area, you always have ditches in the yard and there's like a drainage system that goes, oh, sorry, to catch it to stop it. Oh, because all of Louisiana is like 600 feet under sea level. Now I get

it. Okay. Right. Yeah. So it's, it's the catch it to stop it coming to you, rather than to catch it as a, a rich, you're not keeping it. No, no, I'm not saying Phil Robertson doesn't have a drink in ditch. That's entirely possible. Just brings out a big straw. He's rainy. All right. So, yeah, so they go out and they look at the ditch and they find they find a critter in there and it's a it's a gator human bullfrog chimera, which he describes as, and I

quote, 40% human, 10% gator and the rest of it look like a big old bullfrog. Yeah, no idea how many percents were left there. So if this is, if this is half bullfrog, like a bull frog is quite different from a human and a gator. So it's like down the left to right. Is it like a waist, like a mermaid kind of thing? Is it just random bits? And he's done really well to identify the breakdown as well. Cause if you gave me something that was half you, well, half bullfrog and then different parts human and alligator, I think I'd struggle to identify any one of those, maybe the hands, if it was a human hand, that's dead.

But the rest had really, it's fun, difficult. Which was the 10% the frog? 10% gator. Yeah. It was 10% gator. How did he notice that, like just a twist of gator? Like, if I see a frog person, I'm not gonna notice 10% gator. Maybe if it's just like the top teeth, the top of the, that's greater. All right.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. That'd be cool. I think if you gave me a bullfrog that had like 10% gator, I'm not sure I'd really know it if it was proportional. I'm not sure I'd get it. Yeah, exactly. I'd call it a frog probably.

Yeah. All right. So it's probably a little bit more like a little bit more of a bullfrog. I'm not sure I'd get it. I'm not sure I'd get it. Yeah, exactly. He's out. I'd call it a frog probably. Yeah. All right.

So in this whole story, it doesn't go anywhere or anything, right? This is all just a setup so that Eric Metaxas can lip sync over some other song while wearing his silly swamp bull frog man outfit. But that's just like a beard and glasses. Like, exactly. You could have just shown this without saying that he was this swamp bullfrog man. You could have shown all the bit that follows

is not in any way connected. No. It's just him lip syncing to an unironic song. Yep. Well, is this not a song about what would it be like if Phil Robertson was fucking your mom? That's the song, right? Yes, yeah. So clearly he was like, Phil Robertson, can you do one more scene with me?

Well, I wanted to sing this song and he was like, I'll do it if I'm fucking your mom and that's the song. And he's like, okay. Also, they try to make out like this big mythos behind it as we explained there. And it cuts to the video that this swamp thing kind of released as a kind of a country hillbilly kind of record. And the video's on a grainy VHS and it's got the kind of like the wobbles to it that a VHS would have. But it's got the timestamp in the bottom left corner of May 2018. And I don't know that a lot of people recording a VHS two years ago.

Wow, so easy, and so, you know, who knows? I think that he was using the VHS recording to use. Yeah. Where would you even get that? Yeah, the word we're and the tapes. What? What would you hook it up to? How did it say? It's an HDMI.

Or it'll be a sky table. It'll be a sky table. Just welding a USB into the side of it. No, it's not working. It'll be a Scott Payroll. Just welding a USB into the side of it. All right. So yeah, but the song is daddy looks a lot like Santa. We listen to this entire fucking song while we watch Phil Robertson pat his wife on the back like he's trying to burper.

Well, like it's a legit song from 1965. I had to look it up because I thought, this sounds weird to well made for something that we in this variety of forms. And it is weird to well made because it's a legitimate song, which just means he's lip-syncing to a song that's 50 years old. And if there's any humor in it, it's humor from 1965. It's not your humor. You're just lip-syncing to someone else's gag basically. Well, but he's got the funny beard and the glasses, you see, and the ducatonist guy. Yeah, yep, yep, hilarious.

That's the whole fucking bed. All right, well, tell you what, as bad as all that shit was, I'm pretty sure that's the literal high point of this experience. So we're going to take a break in its afterglow for somebody to give act three of the heart so though, how could that possibly be the high point? What do I even mean the rest of it is worse? Is Victoria Jackson gonna fucking singer something? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the co-opiness conclusion of Christmas in New York with Eric Matexis. Oh, come on. What are the odds that any of them are even going to see this show?

Right, but what if a non-nate to the American sees the show and then tells them about it? Fine, fine, whatever. What about Armenians? No, and for the same reason. Okay. Well, I can at least make fun of Jewish people, right? That's the only way we've been over this like a million. Now Brooks does that all the time.

Yeah. And Chris Rock makes jokes about black people, Eric. Okay. So you're saying I can make fun of black people? No, I'm saying that's what you just said opposite of that. What? I'm saying they only get away with those jokes because they belong to that group. Fine. Fine. Just give me a list of the races I am allowed to make fun of and I'll work on that.

No, I'll do that. No races that you're allowed to make fun of. Well, okay. I should at least get to make fun of my own race, right? I can do that. Okay. Right. Fine.

Yes. Absolutely. You could 100% make jokes about why people. I meant Greeks. You're not Greek. I'm absolutely Greek. You are not Greek. You've just got a kind of Greek name. Yes, I am. My dad was Greek. All right, all right. If you did make fun about Greeks, right, make fun of the Greeks, what would you make fun of them for? There are a bunch of ill-tempered assholes, every single one of them.

Yeah, okay. I think we get away with that, to be honest. Who fuck dogs Greeks? Right. Dial out one back. Dial out one right back. Okay. Okay.

Greeks have four play with dogs a bit further back than that. They get fucked by dogs. The top and bottom thing wasn't my issue with it. Cancel culture is ruining everything. Fine, just like, I'll put it this way. Fuck, whatever group I'm still allowed to say after I say fuck. Damn right. And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're gonna open on Eric once again struggling to get through that 11 page book of his that he wrote when all of a sudden he hears sleaybell's on the roof. It's so good because he's like, oh, hello. I was just sitting here in the dark while you watched my home video on VHS with Phil Roberts. You have to remember there's a live studio. Yeah, not studio audience. There's a live theater audience at this thing. Yeah. Yeah, so that we hear the sleigh bells, he looks up, so we'll know they're supposed to be coming

from up and a guy walks in and a Santa hat and a Santa beard and I immediately said, oh Jesus Christ is that Mike Lindell of my pillow fame? And it was. God, I can't believe it was. You guys and the 40 or so people in the audience recognize him. I had in my notes 40 or so people in the audience all cheer when they recognize him. Do they are they supposed to know who he is?

And you recognized him even though he was with the hat in the beard. I was showing my brother a guy in my life all the fucking time right now. He's popping up. Fucking everywhere. I know his name now. I didn't want to know his name. It's Mike Lindell. I time right now. He's fapping up, fucking everywhere. I know his name now. I didn't want to know his name. It's Mike Lindell. I know that now.

That's in my fucking, my bites are taken up. And Eric's open question to him is, how did you get here tonight? Did you fly? And I thought, yeah, I am 100% in the dad corner of that fight. Did you fly through the next day? I just went back to you, took the fly over,

call you to, yeah, that makes good sense. That's the quickest way at this time of the day. I gotta tell you, one of my proudest public accomplishments as an atheist is how quickly I peg this asshole right here as a conservative misogynistic bigot, right? Like because right when his commercials came out, I noticed how conspicuously he wore his big ass cross in the commercials. I didn't like fucking the flames. Yeah.

It was ridiculous. So I did a whole fucking diet tribe about it. And a lot of people were like, oh, come on, man. He's just showing his real and then of course then he comes out and he's like anti women and he's just pro fucking conversion therapy and he's trying to sling all these bullshit cures for the pandemic. He's awful in every posse. He's fucking sponsoring Eric Mataxis. And I'm like, all all these bullshit cures for the pandemic. He's awful in every posse. He's fucking sponsoring Eric Metaxis.

And I'm like, all right, I nail you guys gotta give me that one. I nailed that. Oh, my God. He's not only sponsoring Eric Metaxis. He's right now doing an infomercial inside of a variety show. Yeah, he's trying to sell us towels. This is not even the way to sing to happen in the middle of this variety show in terms of the thing they come to.

And this is the one that annoys and upsets me most. He's selling towels now. Yeah, brings out his towels. Yeah, he hands a pack to Erick, Matexus. And Erick Matexus is like, yeah, these are great towels. They really work. Exact words. Yeah.

What a weird claim. They really work. What the fuck does that mean? It's a towel. It's as your way to claim for like a big rectangle of cloth that you rub yourself on. Like what was that doing with towels? Well, wait a minute, it works.

Three minutes. Do you say rectangle? Because that's the news in fucking spheres. Wow, an actual three day towel. Yeah, like a medicine ball or something. Okay, and like, you know, that was a joke, but this is when Mike Lindell, the my pillow guys, like, no, no, no, seriously, we, we discovered a new towel technology. It drives you the fuck off.

Like it drives you right up. None of that communist bullshit. Yeah, he literally says like he's like, well, you know, we've all had towels that don't dry you. I'm like, no, the fuck we haven't. No one except the sweatiest, most overweight person has ever had that problem. What the fuck are you talking about?

And then he starts getting, he's like, well, you know, xenophobia. And you're like, really? then he starts getting, he's like, well, you know, xenophobia. And you're like, really? See, xenophobia, and he's like, yep, it's because we started letting all of them Chinese towels in in 2006. Yeah. He might as well come out just like completely naked

sopping wet. We're like, I use Mattel, and I'm still sopping wet. There must be a better way, my, the rectangle. Yeah. I do that. We let overseas towels into this country. And that makes me start to feel bad. It's like, yeah, because famously foreign cotton is the last thing that you want.

Oh, yeah. Right. No, you wouldn't want that. Yeah, but apparently Chinese towels are hydrophobic. So he's, and then he starts like, he's telling the audience, he's going like, you set a towel, you get a set of towels, you get a set of towels, you get a set of towels. Yeah, yeah, it's like, you get a towel and you get a towel and you get a towel. And that's the whole audience actually.

Yeah, hopefully, hopefully towels. That's, I'm going to be in an ever-moful room. Camera man's waving him off. I don't, I don't. And if you all reach under your chairs, actually a lot of empty chairs, we're just going to hand them out. Don't reach under your chairs. And there's a line from Eric, which is incredibly says, yeah, they don't teach this kind of towel history in schools. Why not? It's like because Betsy DeVos bought her way into education

first. Mike was just left with a COVID-19 tax call. Why would they teach tell this? Three in school. So yeah, but I will say though, free bathedels, that was the biggest goddamn applause line of the night. Yeah. It was. Yep. And that's 100% because this entire audience are homeless and this is their access to a

towel. That's what the yes. It's like, right, right. Oh, this will keep me warm. because this entire audience are homeless and this is their access to a tell. That's what the yeses are about. Can you do something? Right, right. Oh, this will keep me warm. Right. Right. And then he literally gives us a promo code. Yes.

Oh, cool. And again, a live in a theater variety show. He's giving you a promo code. You're for best, Owl. For 30% off, bath towels. Yeah, I mean, fuck me. He ends the bit by pitching a promo code. Like how embarrassing?

Can you imagine making a living, hulking goods to your fan base using promo codes? Oh, okay. Okay. All right. We just directly ask them for money most of the time. Okay. So, yeah.

So no, he gives us this, this, he's like, you know, I'm gonna give free towels to everyone in your audience. And if you use this promo code, you can get 30% off to which Eric metaxes this actual line delivered as though he means it or as close as he can get to that is, quote, Mike, that's insane. You're gonna go out of business. Turn off the TV. We will lose money on this deal.

We are dying. I've gone crazy. I'm the slacking prices. Alright, so, and then we cut back to fucking asshole Greek guy character, because you can't get enough of that guy, huh? Oh, god dammit. Got a really digging to that funny mustache he was wearing.

It's not just a voice. It's also a mustache heath. 100%. He's like, guys, I'm gonna do some mustache space work for like 45 minutes. And we're gonna use all of this. And we got down a bit. Because as I announced earlier during an edit, we are not able to edit.

It's all going in. And the thing is, it's so weird this bit because they've got him talking, but they put different audio of him talking over him talking because clearly, they couldn't get a decent take of him at any point with the camera. He must have had to go back and do the entire thing. I've no idea. Oh, and the whole bit is he's trying to tell us about the Greek jingle bells and how it's more Christian than American jingle bells. Yeah, that's the conceit. Jingle bells was written by the ancient

Greeks in Boston, Massachusetts. Yeah, just right over there, round and applause for, for right over there, everybody. And he says, well, you know, because Greek is the language of the Bible. So it's the language of God. So yeah, except the bits written in Hebrew, like the Old Testament, and Hebrew is the language of God is not a connection they want to explore to. I'm just particularly very sure. Yeah, right in my nose like, dude, who are you even making fun of now? And then they bring the mood down with a little reminder that disabled kids in Africa

would kill to have a Christmas special as nice as ours. What happened here? Yeah, it cuts to a black screen with in places where medical care is legally non-existence. Like, yeah, but those places are America for one thing. That's a hard gauge, it's such a weird gauge. It's the strangest thing that happens. Yeah, that's a really good point. They're trying to do like, you know what, it's time for the white man's burden section

of the program, but yeah, America would be the burden of America right now. We sure could use some hospital ships parked right outside. You know, who's the shit hole country? The country that's not allowed to go to Canada. We're the shit hole country. Yeah. Yeah. If you went to Cape Town right now and turned the TV on, you'd see slow motion ads showing

like American children walking through the streets of London. Right. Like the South African version of that singer who's the only angel song. That's what I'm saying. McLaughlin. Exactly. Cockroach is crawling over their faces. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, Jesus, as they're showing this, I'm like, yeah, I bet they help people get abortions too, huh? With those hospitals. No. No. Weird. Yeah. Christian missionaries are super great for Africa. That's a really good point, weird. Yeah, Christian missionaries are super great for Africa.

That's a really good point, guys. We're being set. Yeah, exact. Flock. This red more AIDS than the head of our CDC. Oh, that's not good. That's so bad. Fucking missionaries are horrible for us. Yeah.

And honestly, Redfield was probably on one of the missionary boats that we were looking at in this scene. I would be zero percent surprised. I'd be more surprised if he hadn't been than if he had. Yeah. All right. So now Eric Wittaxus shows up and he explains to us that this entertainment miscarriage is really just like one of them Dean Martin Christmas specials if you think about it. He's trying to push that so hard. He's like, he's buying into it so much that when the doorbell rings, he's like, I bet that's Frank Sinatra. And we're like, it's likely as Bob hope or Dom Dello, he's mother fucker with the hell. Yeah. So any minute

now, the doorbell ring would be Frank Sinatra. Oh, you know, the next best thing, fall by SNL actress, fallen on time. Yeah, but they couldn't write that on the screen when she came out. She comes out and the best thing to do for her, Kairan is her Twitter hand. Yeah. Yeah. Victoria Jackson, former person you've heard. She walks onto the set and she's like, what a lovely show.

No, Adlin's that's not on the fucking. Yes, this is the moment. This is where he breaks and she just goes, she's like, what a lovely show. No, Adlin, that's not on the fucking show. Yes, this is the moment. This is where he breaks and she just goes, she's just about to say, what a lovely living room you have here. And he says, and I quote, I know, but it's not on the teleprompter, so save it. It's exactly that tone. There's nothing like, you know, jovial or friendly about it at all.

He might as well be like Morgan cut that. In front of the live audience is incredible. And I've got a new theory about this. The more I think about it, because they are about to do a song together. We'll talk about it. The song goes horrifically badly on her part. I think if he'd have just let her ad live there, that song might have gone a lot better. I think that's her going, oh, right. You won't be listening to the script, mate. Then let me show you what I can do.

She's delightful. She's horrible, but she's delightful in comparison. Yeah. Well, yeah. So that's what, like, it is way easier to read this as her getting progressively more pissed off at her agent for making her do this throughout this scene than any other explanation that I can come up with in my head. It is so fucking bad. Do you feel like she ate a whole lot of peanut butter for spite right before the day?

Cause that's what the singing sounds like. It seems like it had to be a bit like a gag on purpose. Yeah. And they even do like an intro gag into it with saying, well, we'll sing a song about marshmallows, but I don't know that song. What would it go like a bit like this? So like, first of all, it's weird that they're about to sing a song that they said they, they just said they don't know. That's a really weird way to reduce it. But then she starts genuinely forgetting the lyrics and the song

she's telling the truth. She genuinely doesn't know this song, but she can't hit any of the notes because she does not know this song, she's sight reading this song just like she's been here to catch it. Yeah, and she actually steals one of his lyrics. She's like one of those back and forth duet moments. And there's a teleprompter. So it's probably pretty clear that like these lyrics are for me, these are for you in like different colors or something, but she keeps singing through one of his lines,

and he's so fucking angry. He starts singing, he has to stop. I was so ready for him to suck her punch her at any minute. Yeah. So I wrote my notes at this point too as this song wrapped up. I'm like, okay, I've changed my mind. Even if I found out definitively that Christians were right about everything, I'd stay an atheist, I would rather burden health for eternity

than be on the team that produced this. So they try to dance together. Oh, God. Dance is the wrong word. They try to just do the most very basic thing where they would cry at the same time sway left and then sway right together and they get it wrong every single time they try to start doing it which is mathematically almost impossible.

Just guessing you would get it 50-50 you would think you would think. Yeah so finally at length this fucking song ends but the two of them are not done yet. They're gonna do another song. They're gonna have a little back and forth here, but there's a yet another song that the two of them are gonna sing to come. But first we have to do the little bit where she's gonna offer to sing a little town of Bethlehem and show us that she can sing it in all different keys. No, but she can't though. Nope, she's like, yeah, so do you want me to sing it like a soprano alto or baritone? He's like, I want to give us a little test run. She forgets to make soprano and alto be different thing.

Yep, yep, yep. She just sings the same thing twice and then does baritone and it's it's a punchline. And everything she's doing around this as well, she ad lib's an awful lot around this as well and he is so fucking angry with it by this point and he's like, could you just stop ad libbing? He's so good. He totally does. He says, I'm very scared. I don't know what yes and my pillow promo code New York. Ah, Ah,

Yeah, so yes. So she starts singing, she's fucking, hocking up and swallowing Flemish. She goes, it's hard to believe that this was not bad on purpose, but ultimately they settle on doing a jazzy rendition of Silent Night. Yeah, yeah. And it's even in set is setting this up. She keeps out living just to fuck with him. He's like, do you know any Christmas cows you'd like to sing? And she says, I know all of them. And then she goes and every verse as well. And she's clearly just fucking

with him. You can't pick it. I'm a whole list back on board with every to get this point. So good. Now, so when they start doing this jazzy silent night, and by jazzy, I mean, they're just yelling constantly. I started to think that this movie only existed as gambate and that we're the only people

that ever watched it. Like they did it knowing we'd have to watch it. And that was their only reasoning. I think it had 6,000 views on you. Yeah, but that was Eric Metaxis and his record January of last year. Yeah. And remember, you, you pre-announced that you do in this episode. So like a bunch of your listeners have gone away to watch this as well. So all right, you can take a good chunk of that credit for yourself as well. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah. that's where all those thumbs up came from. I'm sure.

Yeah. So, but yeah, and they're trying to, like, look, they're not trying to sing this well. They're trying to be funny, but like in the way that you would try to distract a pissy two year old, right? That level of comedy. Were they trying to be funny? I think they don't work. I think Erick McCax think Erick, Mattaxes was still trying. I think he was trying as hard as he could. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't tell the gag is that they were bullshit at this or if the gag was that she's really bad and was ruining what he thought was amazing performance, whether he was trying to do it straight and she was supposed to be like, fucking it up. But I couldn't tell which of the lines they were going for because

he's, he's just really bad. He's just shouting flatly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they hit that sweet spot between good and intentionally bad. That's the perfect spot for comedy. What is exactly is the hope that you went through? I was just saying. Also, something enormous falls down just off camera. Oh, yeah. He's doing this right. And he gets so mad again. He's furious about the ad-limbing. And then

it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And he's like, he's like, N word. Yeah. All right. So yes, so mercifully that eventually comes to a close. We go back to change smoking Greek guy some more so they can ask his Greek character to talk about Eric Metaxas's favorite subject Eric Metaxas. Oh God, and I really wanted them to ask that same question to Victoria Jackson. He wants to go back to Metaxas because I think she found out a lot to say that wasn't just making fun of his name. Yeah. in front of his name. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. So yeah, so we get our last little visit from his Greek character. And now it's time for a rousing closing number. He brings out the choir and it's immediately obvious why he saved the actual talent for the very end. Right. Like, can you even imagine trying to watch this movie if we've been reminded what talent looked like up front.

Also, he changed his jacket. Yes. He is now wearing a kimono tuxedo jacket, but with his same tuxedo pants that don't match for him because he didn't have time. They added just that little extra minute of the Greek professor thing, just so he could change jackets again. Yeah. Apparently very clearly. Yeah. So yeah. So we get this choir and they're good like compared to what we've seen so far. They're not good compared to choirs. Necessarily. Yeah. They're just like competent. They're fairly well harmonized. You've got one gingerhead lady in the choir who is constantly terrified by the sounds

coming out of her mouth. Like she is not in control of what is happening with her body and she just wants it all to stop. She's got that look in her eyes, which is enjoyable. And you've got a very silver-haired guy in the middle who is really, really pleased. He got to stand in the middle and he cannot hide that from there. That guy was pumped and was about to sell us Viagra. Yeah, so he was having a good day And the guy who is immediate right or maybe two guys over to his right looked like the exact middle ground between Eli and Moishi

It was I you don't you guys don't get to see Moishi of the show, but it was it's I was fucking uncanny That's a hard average to find, mathematically, right? A lot of weird dimensions. You got to figure out. He managed it though. And it was almost like they only had the rights to the first 40 seconds of this song. So they had to keep doing it over and over again. This was so insanely repetitive.

And then at the end, they all just started yelling the words in each other because they didn't have another way to close it, I think. I thought you could carry on getting louder and shouting until one of the bad times. So in this discreet moment, so they wrap up Eric Metaxus, hurries back on stage while everybody's still clapping for the choir so he can know what it's like to stand before a true ovation. He might as well dive in front like the bodyguard. Like I got applause.

They hit me. They hit me. I got applause. He's counting. So yeah, he comes out. He starts thanking Victoria Jackson when he's pointing at Mike Lindell when he does it. That moment. And she looks genuinely amazed by it as well.

Oh, there's so pissed at each other right now. Like he was mad that he had to think for at this point. Yeah. He thinks all of New York City, and I don't live there anymore, but I'm sure that New York would be fine with me speaking on his behalf when I say fuck you, Eric Mitaxes.

Fuck you. Yeah, he said, I'd like to thank Jesus. I guess essentially for dying in order to excuse this sin in advance. And then he runs out of thank you stuff way faster than he expected. So the music still gone for a while. So now Eric, Mattaxus and the fucking My Pill pillow guy have to dance for a long time. And my pillow guy, he tries to dance for a second and then he's just like, I'm doing clapping, man. I don't know what he can't even do the clapping.

He's just, nope, he just needs a clap in very simple for it. It wasn't like a complex meter. It was fucking for him. He was missing the claps. It was fantastic. It was the whitest clothes in the history of television. Yeah, except for when they actually close the music. Oh, and then there's like three seconds of Erick, but access in my pillow guy being like, damn, I'm still dancing. I need to stop, stop dancing, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,

stop. Okay. I stopped dancing. Once you got the stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay. I stopped dancing. Once you got the momentum behind you, it's hard. Well, but that's not the clothes clothes because of course we've got to get the my pillow promo code one final. Oh, God, that's so rough. It's so, so rough. It's just the most cynical and shameless plugging and shilling I've ever seen. It's so bad.

Is your towel technology not working for you? All right, so either you guys got any idea what the moral of this story was? The right is starting to get better at comedy and it's making lefties nervous. Counterpoint, Eric Metaxis lives on 5 Fifth Avenue right next to Central Park in Manhattan. All right. Well, the reason for the season is Axial tilt fucking assholes. Yeah, but all right. Well, Mars, thanks so much for suffering alongside us one more time here. Anything you want to plug while we've got you on? Yeah, you can check out a skeptic that I'm the editor all. We've been publishing loads of really great stuff

there at skeptic.org.uk. And yet, check me out on skeptics with the K for me talking about skeptical stories and doing investigations and stuff like that. Awesome. And of course, just check the show notes. We will have all of that available in a handy dandy. Aren't you on a show called incredulous to sometimes the key occasionally comes out once or a while?

Oh, yeah. there's an episode just out episode 49 from three months ago has just been published. So that's, that is timely of our regular satirical up to the minute news satire program. Topical. Would you were on Heath? It was fun. I was not on that one. I'm on the one that's been recorded for a long time, but is not out yet. That's why that's episode 50. That'll be out. I believe episode 50. Yeah, you out. I believe episode 50. Yeah, you can look for that one. The next time two planets are visible together, the next time we have that type of alignment.

Yeah, it might be out before the end of the year. I think it's going to be out before the end of the year. Oh, I really tweeted what Noah just said. I can believe it. All right. So while that's going to do it for our review of Christmas in New York with Aaron, we attack this. That's not going to do it for the episode yet. Though we still need a coax your back out next. We so tell us heath

What's on deck Well, Eli's not here to name another fucking Christmas movie so Suns of thunder episode two is what we're doing. Yeah, all right All right, so with the death of a tackler to look forward to, we're going to bring up a 279 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Marsha and I even bigger thanks to all the Patreon donors for helping make the show go. If you like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a prep

episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn a little access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help it to buy a link on five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, citation need a D&D minus and the scapacright available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, send them out to the suggestion, cheeky email, go to movies.com, legal services for this podcast, provide them at the office, this is a B.

Andrew Torres, Timor opposite, thanks for your more social media, our theme song was written by Ryan Slottney, but we're Travis Lomars. All of the music was written before by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right in the lab. I'm the Lucius Brumson to work hard to earn another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Victoria Jackson went on to vomiting her mouth and swallowed back down during her testimony

at a Michigan election here. Mike Lindell went on to use the N-word on tape. I'll just put my nickel on it right now. Two nickels. Eric M'Tax says 2021 Christmas special would have included a skate about hilly-weak Clinton drinking baby blood performed by the couple who pointed guns at the BLM march. 100%. Holy.

Two nickels on that one too. Ha ha ha. Yeah, I have the I got to have the amazing like talking my 70 year old father through how I set up is I it's the easiest thing in the fucking world. It's like you know download this app on your phone Do all the things it says, you know, it's that's all it is and he's like download it from where I'm like well Where do you get your apps on your phone? And he's like they're all ready on my VCR No, you're not don't why What channel is the VCR supposed to be on? No, you're not. Why are you holding the VCR?

Why do you have a VCR? Where did you get that? I get that with my dad's only in his 50s. He's not 60 yet and he's like that. And he's also borderline illiterate. He's got very, he didn't do any school learning that. So he can't really read. The text messages get from him are completely incomprehensible. And he has no idea how his phone works. He only just

upgraded to a smartphone last year. And he does not understand how many of it works. So the idea of teaching him to do anything on his phone just fills me with, with absolute dread. Well, so my dad is absolutely the gadget guy. My dad is the kind of guy that you buy a VR headset for in his several. Right. So he, I mean, he loves new technology. He just doesn't understand any of it now. And it was just hilarious. At first, I'm trying to tell him, I mean, my mom is texting me his questions and I'm trying to do it through her. Just a disaster. And I can't call him to do it because he has to do it on his phone and he doesn't understand that you can do both of those things.

So it was fun. It was a ton of fucking fun. But now what you like, he's going to get a prop on it. And he and I can play VR putt putt together. And that's pretty fucking awesome. I'm pretty stoked about that. I guess you won't see him over Christmas. He's not in the same state. Oh, area. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And usually my dad and I get together a couple of times a year to play golf. It's the only time I play golf anymore. But at least a couple of times a year, we'll find a chance to get together. We haven't been able to do it at all this year. And I'm like, fuck it, man. You know, I honestly took all the money I saved from smoking, not smoking this

year and spending on Christmas. I put it in my Christmas fund and I was able to go nuts on everybody. So nice. Oh, speaking of which, thank you so much for the hamper that arrived as well. It was really lovely. Right. What the hamper? What does hamper mean to you? And what does that mean? Because we put dirty clothes with a hammer. Right. Right. So we have laundry baskets. And I, you wouldn't really call them. But a hamper here is like a picnic basket type thing. Okay. It's more of a like, yeah, a gift filled with different interesting food stuffs. Okay. Alluffs. Okay. All right.

Okay. So a hamper here is not exactly, it's not a laundry basket. It's like a laundry trash can, right? It's a tall trash can shaped laundry basket. Right. Okay. Well, I didn't get one of those. So if you don't stand back to that, I was, because we put Eli in charge of it.

I was, and that's not, you know, I mean, you can see there are some gag he had in his mind. He's like, no, no, Sean Penn was supposed to be bees. The hamper means, you know, some weird shit that was going to go. I was like, okay, wait a minute. What did you, did you get? We just, we decided on something together. We said he would crash can of half eaten pairs because that's technically what we said. He could have construed that.

Oh hang on, I think I'm a little hot on my mic. Let me just turn myself down slightly. All right, am I topping out now? La la la, without still topping out, let's see, see the other direction. La la la la la la la. Okay, that's probably okay. Oh, sorry, all right. Yeah, well, thank you for the food stuff in a parcel that was delivered by my wife. You're quite welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas. And a very happy new year. All right, here we go.

Hi, Morgan. Merry Christmas. We didn't get you a hamper. Oh shit. We got you a Christmas bonus. That's what you were. We say it was like, it was like, you know, we give you a one of Mars, the shitty Mars got the shitty thing.

You got the better. So you know, we give you a one of Mars the shitty Mars got the shitty thing you got the better Okay, here we go actually I think I said mark well fuck I just I think I sent you some more can I set you a hamper So you will get a hamper if you haven't already I don't actually I don't think you will have So I just ruined that but you know anyway sides to the crew and that, but you know, anyway, here we go. Morgan, you cut this before you. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved. 2020 all rights reserved.