God Awful Movies - 28: GAM028 Risen

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

This week we meet a movie that's out of our league, but only by a little.  Join Eli, Noah, and Heath as they head out for a field trip and learn how the Jesus story would have played out had it been a buddy cop flick in our atheist review of Risen.---You should really check out the preview for next week's movie.  It's more insane than you can possibly imagine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7HytrGnnz8 Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

The End There are four movie movies. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Maybe it left is my good friend Heath and Wright. Heath, welcome back. Well, I thank you, sir. I feel welcome. Do you feel welcome? Welcome Noah. I do feel welcome. I always do. Cause a little love fest to start things off. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

I mean, I'm okay, I guess. You're fine. Okay, not great. It's for asking. Yeah, I would ask why, but I feel like I already know and it'll be answered by this question. Tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched Risen.

Yep. It's the story of the Roman cop who gets assigned by Pontius Pilate to investigate the new Christianity tribe after a notable grave robbery. And during his journey to figure out what happened you find himself getting a little too close with this weird culture of people and struggles with thoughts of going native it's kind of like a apocalypse now with Jesus yeah yeah apocalypse later biblical Donnie Brasco and Eli how bad was this movie I mean it wasn't that bad

The whole time I'm thinking to myself this because I have a league man This is good enough for how did this get made super movie? If this camera is reported in the right direction. Yeah But the people could act through the whole thing but there is a bright side Which is that the only reason that this this is not a great movie first of all that the only reason that this is not a great movie, first of all. And the only reason that this is a good movie is because they completely ignored the Bible to do it. Right, yeah. This is basically the, what if Jesus was your dad's

stoner cousin version of the Bible? You have the one more pleasant. It's basically an episode of X-Files set in ancient Rome with only one of the Mulder and Scully characters. That's basically what this movie is. But like one of these newer X-Files, not like one of the old ones where it was still kind of good. So, but this was our first field trip in a while, first one since War Room that we've actually had to watch in theater. So tell us, Eli, how was the crowd at your theater? Were you able to get a good seat? So I was literally the only human being in my theater

for my 10, 45 showing of risen in the middle of Times Square for 9, 10 to the movie. 9, 10 to the movie, like 10 minutes left in the movie. This black guy walks in the theater, sees me, he goes, oh oh turns around and leaves I like to jack off to the part where he gets bodily risen but not if there's people yeah Well I got I have to say because you you had tweeted out a picture of your you know vast empty theater And we were kind of open for the same thing when we went and you know I was telling he's because you know

I like I have a little light so what I can I can see when I'm taking notes and I'm like okay, if there's anybody in here, I will sit way in the back but I don't think there'll be an holy fucking shit the geriatric park we got when I walked into that theater there were so many walkers I thought we were about to attack the rebel base on Hoth. Everybody there's a hundred six. There's a fucking iron lung in the corner They put a little bed pan under every seat was a was an interest I like I honestly I think everybody there was within a week of Postage stamp eligibility Yeah, after age discounts and coupons the theater owed most of this morning

There's like no the only people there that didn't have gray hair were bald, it was- It was like going to a Tom Jones make a wish concert. Yeah. And honestly, we were the only car that wasn't parked in a handicapped spot. Whole theater. We were also the only ones that could make it all the way to the top of the step. So we had the back to ourselves. Um, but you know, I always feel like when I go to these movies,

I always have this like everybody's looking at me asking what the fuck I'm doing there. And I know they're not, you know, it's like the Barry Manelot T-shirt experiment or whatever, but I was it's like going into the store on acid or whatever and you're thinking like, all right, how do Christians eat popcorn? They just I think my walking like a Christian, I think I'm walking. They say grace, right? Come on. You remember what was great. They say grace right come on See I look child molestory enough that they're like I sky belongs in a Christian movie He needs someone to forgive him for all that stuff. He did those kids at that summer

It requires a beard and the top of your head to be have just about the same amount of hair. That's the piece. Oh, I gotcha. That's how I do it. That's how I do it. Pull off that look, right, dog? Well, yeah, no, I gotta say, like, it was a bad movie, so we're still gonna do our job and everything, but I'm really looking forward to next week already. So the sooner we can get this one over,

sooner we can get back to the merit list, try to paste the bills. So we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we'll break down all the stuff almost happening that is... RISIN. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we'll break down all the stuff almost happening that is... RISEN! Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,sk, not the answer. Comes a movie about a savior with no basis in scripture. I am a hungry man who's blind and dead or something. Healed, also fish, and a hug, he go. Because the actual Jesus said a lot more about wheat tax and biblical law than he did about kindness. You sure this is okay? I can borrow your Prius? Don't worry about it man. I bike everywhere mostly anyway

Coming 2016 Totally not Jesus who wants some fro you. Yeah, I'm white I missed that last line I just had to scroll down to yay I missed that last line. I just had to scroll down to Yay. I didn't know that was coming. Time to turn. And we're back for the breakdown.

And I've got to say, I loved the symbolism in this movie right away. We open on a man wandering through a desert, which is symbolic of the fact that this movie is going to feel 40 days and nights long. Yes. Also, exact same opening as Monty Python's flying circus. The guy, if he, he gets right up to the camera and I was like, if he says it's, I'm giving a one man standing ovation and hanging myself with my sweater. This is my note. Jesus. By the way, they do that, like, disappearing, reappearing thing. That needs to cover more ground or it's stupid.

He covers like 10 feet. He disappears and then three feet and then three, nothing. Yeah, you just sort of run the credits over it for a little longer or something. Who knows? I also was very disappointed that we didn't have some face-to-face narration like Aladdin. That he wasn't gonna be like, oh no,

please step on it inside. It makes Julian fries. But no, that's not fair. Well it makes Julian fry. That's basically though, that's the opening we get only without breaking the fourth wall. So, okay, so our hero Joseph Fines, is that how you pronounce it? I think that sounds pronounced. So I pronounce it. And clavius is the character's name. So we meet our hero clavius wandering through wanderin' through the desert, wanderin' into this inn or somethin', and the innkeep is like, and if you just all like decked out

in Roman gear and whatnot. It's kinda rostophariant at the same time. Yeah, kinda, kinda. You just gotta both go in. And he's desperately trying to make small talk. Yeah, he's like, so what brings you to this part of the I'm an in keeper restaurant In the desert feeding you for sure definitely feeding you yes So yeah, he's and he's like oh are you a Roman? Is that is that a is that a tribute ring? Are you a tribute? And he's like oh and the guys like uh, do you like baseball? Do you watch baseball at all? Who some weather we've been having,

how about that drive? Not knowing what germs are again, huh? Come on, people, give me some. By the way, I'm gonna spare everyone listening to this show a tremendous amount of time. Every time you hear the word tribute, just replace it with cop. There you go.

You saved 90 minutes that I didn't get to send what we were all was like, the fuck is it there are there soldiers are they what are they actually quite complex but yeah for the purposes of this movie yeah cop so finally they as were just like okay so at this point in the conversation it's just awkward stop talking to the duty hasn't talked back to you but eventually the innkeeper says, have you come far, and then we zoom in and get the flashback

in the Vio and everything. Yeah, we get a flashback to war. War! And war apparently involved many rocks. Well, it's like 89% rock-based. Yeah, well, it's a bunch of Jewish guys, like Holden, Bart Simpson, Slingshot, and they're holding off a Roman battalion

I know it's so hard to make the guys throwing rocks at the arms soldiers seem intimidating because you know This has got to be the hero, but he's leading the the Roman army against guys with rocks So all time you're like well, they've only got rocks. This isn't fair This is another moment to where like so I know nothing about anything in the world And I was like this could be incredibly historically accurate or it could be incredibly inaccurate I don't know I just know it's silly Were there Romans fighting rocks if a guy pulled out a machine gun I would be like I know that's not real But other than that I was and then at one point the bad guy of the Jews right that they're there to fight his

Brabis and I was like wait, isn't he a thief? I thought he's a thief are there more than one Brabis it was very confusing They only had like nine names back then so oh like that but like I said what we have to see in this scene is we have to Okay, so they're going uphill to fight these rock slinging and Jews. And we have to see that, oh, everything is about to go wrong, but then clavius steps up and like, you know, whatever whips the army into shape. So the way he does that is he throws his helmet off grabs a spear and chucks it at one of the Jews. And then everybody's like, oh, yeah, we can kill them too. And then they then suddenly they form into a fucking turtle shell shield and start moving forward.

That was pretty sweet. That was pretty sweet. That was pretty sweet. Okay, because they made a little ramp to go up the little Jew wall. That was the coolest part of the movie. Like at that point, I'm like, oh, this is gonna be great. It was never that good again. Yeah, and just a quick thing, they build this shield ramp to go, yeah, like you said, to go up the Jew stone wall.

But just go around the little stone wall, like ten feet to either side. Ten feet, you just go around. My notes just go around, go around, go around the side. And also, the two guys are like throwing the top of the wall down, they're like rolling this, the field stone is at them. If someone rolls a stone at you, just move sideways a little or let it roll between your legs. You go easy to not get turned into a cartoon snowball of people when somebody rolls us. Diculous. Also, I just want to point out that the main guy finds. He

pokes up his, he first, he dodges two arrows with his hands during the sequence. Two times someone shoots an arrow at him and he's just like, whoop, no, I didn't get it. Uh, but then he picks up the spear and he throws it at a guy's date. He does. Yeah. It's very clearly. It's another guy in the dick and everyone's like, oh, it's like I want some stuff. Come on, Patters. We don't hit people. So they like a couple of the soldiers make a little shield ramp They run up and they fight to Jews and they kill them and everything and they get to the head Jew And he's about to kill the head Jew and then in the head Jew says it must anger you that the one true God favors me But doesn't like you know like were they always that annoying like even before they were Christians they were that annoying

fuck And of course now claviusius has one of many good lines here, he's like, you know, basically he's like, oh well, I'm about to chop your head off. So maybe not so much today that they like you. I'd say I didn't get it for me. It's a cop movie. It's a cop. There's lots of moments including him being like, it's just been revoked.

Yes, do you still love E.J.U.? And of course, he reacts the way that I always want to when people tell me how awesome their God is he chops the guy's head off and we're done with that scene. So then we get him like bringing the prisoners back to Judea where we meet Pontius Pilate. Now, Pontius Pilate is played by Peter Firth and I just want to say as he's gotten older, he has physically converged with Matthew Barry, the talented Mr. Odo, almost perfection. Now that's going to mean so little to so many people, but if you're in a fantasy football, just imagine the entire fucking movie, Pontius Pilate looks like he should be giving you advice on which running back to start this week. And if you don't know about fantasy football football he looks kind of like the criminal sketch from every single time and all to

boy gets molester like all the time if all those criminal sketch is the mind composite that's what he looks like get ready imagine all the bad guys in spot like you know that that's it's just all of them rolled into one dude or or the uh... or the roman robot from future rom that's what I have to say. That's what I have to say. Oh, he didn't even...

No, that's not his name. It's just something like that anyway. Yeah, he didn't even say that. And also, and I have to throw this out there, and I'm probably gonna come back to it at least once. Why does everybody have a British accent in this movie? Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah, everyone's British so far,

except though, that one Jewish guy that clavius that. Oh, right, right. It sounded like Woody Allen. It's hard to get This bother you the channel. It's you Me even This is clearly not a thing that's just this movie. It's it's all American movies for it But when people just need to be you know for any they all have British accents And it's so bizarre because like the low class people have like the East London accent the people from the rural Areals I have the West country accent and shit. It's if yeah anyway, so like yeah, I guess they were just they're they're foreign so

Right, but and so he gets summoned by Pontius pilot and this is if you were to ask me what's the recurring theme of this film? It's someone walking in and going Pontius wants you. That happens 800 God did I mistext it. He's just before and he always had to say, and it's always the same guy, he just goes, hey man, I know what you want. Pontius wants him.

Yeah, you just kind of wave. I'm the Pontius wants you guys. That's my whole spucking life. So I've got, he comes home to his wife. She's like, how is work today? I don't know, Pontius wanted some people. That's what I do. Can I die of the rickets, please? In due time in due time. So okay, so yeah, you get summoned by Pontius and he's still bloody from battle and or whatever

He's like, no, I use he says I'm yet sticky with Phil and I wrote in my notes the yet sticky with Phil and I wrote my notes the Eli Posse. I thought you might have. So he goes to see him and he's walking through town. It looks like there was like a crazy pass over party the night before or whatever. But it turns out that this was the night that Pontius decided to crucify Jesus and that's what we're seeing is they they've been rioting in the streets and whatnot. Yes, and so he goes and meets the cop. What is that thing? The chief? He's the chief.

So he goes to see the chief and the chief because it's a cop movie goes, hey, hard and old cop, I've got a young rookie cop. I want you to take away. It's Draco Malfoy. It's literally Draco Malfoy. I was actually going to make a joke about how this guy looks like Draco Malfoy with Lupus But it turns out that Draco Malfoy looks like Draco Malfoy with this same actor I found out when I got home. I kept waiting for him to go when my father he is about this Jesus character It's like come on man break out of your shell There's always a magical kid who's bothering everybody and you want the establishment to stay the way it is come on Play a likable rogue.

See now, I don't know those movies well enough, so I just marked him as Lucius Twerpus in my notes. That's what he, his name was, Lucius. Anyway, so yeah, so apparently Pontius is all worried about the Jesus thing and all the Jews are getting pissed off at him for having him crucified. So he's gonna send clavius Josephines to go finish the job. He tells him to go break Jesus's legs,

get it done and over with so these people can, you know, get their messiah shit out of their system before the emperor shows up, you know. Can't look all insurrectiony. I have a question. Why does breaking someone's legs speed up a crucifixion? Because you can no longer support your own weight so it it it causes it instead of like dying from exposure or whatever at that point You're it puts your lungs in a position where you can no longer breathe. Oh, okay. So yeah, there is there is definitely

I feel like I needed a line of explanation of that because I was just sitting like oh well You know, we want to end this quickly go break his legs now just like what why that's some real insider knowledge about crucifixion that one is required to have for that not to be a crazy line. You know the target audience knows them some crucifixion details so yeah those old ladies are like I actually did that back in the day Get them right in the shoes. You can't go for knees needs are too strong and we let your football player So then we go to visit Calvary where we where we meet Jesus mid dying for our sins and of course the two thieves behind Emerge, oh, I don't like dying.

But Jesus is just like me, you know, this is kind of my favorite. Everyone else is going out like a bitch, but not Jesus. No. Jesus being super cool about it. It's a like. Like, there's some special about that guy. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I got to mention this too,

because before we get there, we have to have the sun going out in the earthquake or whatever. So as clavius and Lucius are leaving to go to go goather or whatever, there's an earthquake in the in the walls crumble behind them and it gets cloudy or whatever. Okay. So according to the Bible, when Jesus was crucified, the sun went out, right? Not it got cloudy all of a sudden. So there's soft pedal in the fuck out of this right away. Well, this whole movie soft pedals the fuck out of everything Jesus does oh absolutely one thing that you're not like twins this movie could be renamed twins and a giant movie right oh my god that's in my notes so much

later is like do Romans did know about right? They knew that that happened sometimes. Yeah, so anyway, so we get to the crucifixion and we meet Jesus who honestly, he looks like a seasoned sorry fuck to 70s porn star and they had an ass baby together. Yeah. I could not take this guy seriously as Jesus at any point. Although I gotta say, he was definitely the most Jesus

He looked in Jesus. We've ever seen in a Jesus movie Yeah, I wrote Jason men's ucus went to the old country buffet and never came out again So they they're at the Jew thing and there's also there's a crowd of Jews and half of the Jews are weeping for Jesus and half of the Jews are Throwing rocks. Yeah. So it's really split down the middle. But he signals to everybody. They also have hand signals, which I thought was really badass, to break the legs. And then in the last minute, he tells them to throw a curveball instead.

Well, it throws them. No, it's like, no, no, no, no. I just wrote down sweep the legs. Yeah, but they had a hand symbol. So then the, the, the, the the the ref couldn't hear you saying that So all right, so I have to like linger on this for at least a second because they were earning their PG 13 rating here So so he signals to break the legs of everybody and the guy goes and he breaks the legs of the two thieves and we watch that and Everybody's like oh shit and Mary Jesus's mom is in the back being such a whiny bitch

that clavius is like, oh, don't break his legs. Just stab him with a spear, or actually gives him the stab him in the ribs with his spear hand signal. Yeah. It's like football refs. He's saying. Also, in this screaming rock throwing crowd, there's a moment where he turns to him and he goes,

keep her quiet. And I'm like, really the one crying lady in the back, like that's what's throwing you off your game here. You have two guys being literally crucified in front of you. That's not psyching you out. But the whining mom, that's a little much. So yeah, so they kill everybody.

And then we even get to watch one of the guys whose legs was broke. We get to linger on him. Well, he takes his last breath or tries to anyway. And then they're dead. They drop him off and start dragging the bodies away into the body throwing place. In the least ceremony is way humanly possible. This is why it was very grateful. I was alone in my theater. The scene Everyone leaves they're like our crucifixions over. Let's go back to you know dying and eating our own shit or whatever His people did back then and so they push over the crosses and the guy's just wow They just hit the gr- oh it's like oh it's faces a death. They just hit there. Just a wet bag of spaghetti

And I and me I was weeping with laughter because it's just This very serious moment of come brother let yourself go let yourself go and then the next shot is Yes, just pushes it over grabs the fucking times to pull out the nails and whatnot and actually look at this point I'm thinking damn it. This is gonna be a really good movie because like that's pretty realistic That's exactly how you know for these guys that's just their job You know, they're just trying to get it over and done with quick so I don't have to smell dead bodies for too long But it is really it starts to go downhill right about here and this is where Joseph of Arimathea shows up at the last Second with a declaration from Pontius and he bought the body nobody needs to know

what he's gonna do with it he just needs a young man uh... who won't resist right and i wrote my notes here hey i know how the body disappeared i figured out the trick it's because you give the body of that guy and then later you're gonna check it it's just a wrapped up bundle i figured it out i mean i'm a magician guys And manage there, yeah, that's why anybody like wait who saw the body last Yeah, one of course I love this to he's like please sir. There's only two hours left to the Sabbath

I'm up against the arbitrary Jew clock here. Come on man Don't be a dick, you know full well. I have to pretend I turn into a pumpkin into ours Come on, I try to wish midnight run. Let's do the phone and I cherish it. Don't concentrate Nazarees. Who's the charge of scheduling? I told that day go up a thousand times. We don't concentrate on chauvice So then then we move on to so je so we're done with Jesus for a while. So we move on to bath time with Plansies and Pontius. Where they're never-noods, apparently.

Yeah, they're wearing very tasteful diapers. Like they're about to do some underwater sumo wrestling, yeah. He offers him a meal, a massage, or a girl girl and I was like, man, that sounds so nice I was sitting there with a bag of curly fries a giant popcorn a twizzlers and a skittles and I was like I'm ashamed Woman I Mean there's probably not room for with all this snacks, but you get it doing the hole in the bottom of the popcorn trick with yourself. That's always funny Still the problem with me is that I always confuse it for a piece of popcorn It's just a size wise. I'm trying to throw it into my mouth and get you bastard

So so they're sitting here talking about like, what's wrong with all these Jews and shit? And basically we get these, many of, one of many of these like, Tee, monotheism, that'll never catch on, turns to the camera and winks kind of moments. Right. Hey, clavius, how many gods does it take

to screw in a light bulb? One, but I think we can all agree, it wasn't Jupiter hot sings. Am I right? He knows. One just pilot knows there's more than one god. Or zero. Zero or many gods, not one.

It's also one of the... Here's the thing, this is a Christian movie, but throughout this film, to give it credit and also be weirded out by it, everyone in the movie is like, yeah, I mean, you know, you got a cult, just a guy with a cult, like you can imagine cops sitting down at a diner after killing a cult leader. Like guys after Waco would have had a very similar

conversation. It would have been like, yeah, I don't know, I guess he convinced all those people to stay in that burning building. Right, right, yeah. You want a girl or a woman or a mousaq. I'm like, ha ha ha ha. No, ladies woman or no I definitely liked the angle they were taken I liked the idea of a gritty Jesus

reboot it just you know really fell a part in act three here and I also want to point this out just you know whatever if you're if you're a Romo file or whatever when he's saying like he punches is like so what are you looking for with all your ambition clavius and he's like, Oh, you know, I want to like, you know, obtain some power so I can get some wealth so I can buy a place into the country and it keeps going like so what were you going to do with the wealth?

Oh, what are you going to do with the power? Blah blah blah blah blah. Until eventually he's like, ah, so that I can find peace. And we're like, hmm, only there was a prince of that that could help you, you know? I wrote in my notes, Pontius is his life coach. Right. It's like the scene from the master, but slightly less gay. And they're mostly naked sitting in a bath. So that tells you a lot about the master. All right. So now we have to meet the bad Jews. So we catch up with clavius mid burning one of his

soldier's bodies from the battle the other day or whatever when Pontius wants you guys shows up again also, and I just want to point out Clavius is putting coins in the mouth of the dead and whenever I do that people are like who are you get away from my grandpa? It's just not fair. It's like very clearly. I'm glad I have referred to protect me Okay, anti-Semites. Hell yeah, man. Hell yeah very clearly i'm glad i have referred to protect me and i said might tell you yeah i'm how you have also the costume budget for this movie ended right before they costume the juice everyone else has fairly authentic looking costumes they look like roman and they're made out of cloth the juice in this scene are

wearing haines t-shirts like that weird metal shield that's not a shield that's philog jewels drawn on it Which is like, yep, this is what we had for you really everyone. He's got those super cool helmets Yeah, we spent all the money on helmets It's an armor with really nice tags. It's tea So yeah, now punches is throwing down some pretty good anti-semitism here and there It's actually a pretty funny scene the Jews need a bodyguard in the literal sense because they're afraid that Jesus as followers are going to steal the body and say he's risen and blah blah blah blah blah. So yeah, exactly.

So in the Jews defense and I'm so sorry of saying that, but in the Jews defense. So now we head back to the tomb where they're sealing it up like King Kong was in the mother fucker and putting royal seals everywhere. So everybody knows that the Roman government put these 97 ropes and chains on it. Here's the thing though, if you like glue yarn on one side of a rock that doesn't really do anything. That's what they're doing. Like they might be using a chair to block a door that opens out where it like dudes ridiculous. You just tipped that big stone over. You wouldn't try to like roll it out. I don't understand. Yeah right right.

Yeah it seems like you need a lot of fucking rope before that giant ass stone wouldn't tip for you. But yeah so and also he chats with Joseph Avera Mathia here and the only reason I bring it up is that I want to give this movie a ton of credit for knowing that Jesus is a mistranslation of the name Yeshua. Yeah I wrote in my notes, hey Yeshua they said this movie a ton of credit for knowing that Jesus is a mistranslation of the name Yeshua. Yeah, I wrote in my notes Hey, yes, well, they said this movie was out Jesus You have Yahweh you'd hey Vahe you put the shin in that's the sacred flame the Trinity you have you'd hey shin Vahe Yeshua or oh, I'm sorry reading from the emails my grandmother said

Because she goes to my spam filter now Well, I don't want to read you from the emails your grandma sends me so I can have to go that way So they so now he orders the two Legionnaires that are around to guard Jesus's body and they don't cranson Jews in stern They're just Rosemar Kranson Guildenstern. Like they practically play questions. This is very clearly what happens with these characters. And they could not be, I just want to take a moment, they could not be less competent.

For this like cop mystery movie that we're supposed to, we're supposed to have our asses blown out by the fact that like how could he possibly, there's no way You could have escaped they could not be conveyed conveyed as less Diculous so yeah, so fucking Laurel and Hardy are left they guard the fucking body and they and of course like I said They're talking like London gangsters for some reason don't worry malo we go in a penny

dorm in a pool Samwise and Hagrid it sounds like anyway so and of course they they start drinking on the job and everything and and I started thinking the same thing like why would you as a movie give me so many reasons to think that this could have just been tricked? I mean, look, there's no historical reason to think that there was a tomb, you know, or that Jesus was put in. And fuck Paul never even mentions that. That doesn't show up until the Gospel.

So it's not like this is something that needs to be explained away. But as a movie that's trying to present it as a fact, wouldn't you try to make it seem like it was hard to fool the fucking Romans into thinking this is happening? But wouldn't you want the like these are the two best Roman guards? Yes, how are you guys doing? Oh, we're totally on our shit. Don't worry. We never get drunk and fuck our fuck each other in the bushes. Right. I'm saying like if I get to remake this movie, I make it with more competent. What about this three foot opening on the back of the cage should we just hold that up?

No way back It's this Jews fucking tomb if there was a secret entrance in and out of it I think he would have told us yeah, get an estimate So then we cut to the next day where we learn via the Pontius once you guy the body is missing and this is the most cop movie part of this because punches pilot Really just goes off on them a la axel full-use boss. Yeah God damn it you crashed 12 If Cassius put on a straight jacket and start to escape from That's gonna be alright. This is intellectual copyright. I know Gibson wanted to direct this thing

But in a certain way you got to throw the guy a bone So what we learn in this in this chewing out scene is that the guards fell asleep on the job and then When they found out that the the body was gone, they went to the Jews for sanctuary. So now they're getting sanctuary with the Jews and it's up to Klaivia to find out where the body is. Right. And so he goes to check out the grave. And this is the moment in the movie

where the movie was like, don't worry Eli, we're still a pretty shitty movie. Because he goes inside and it's the most cartoonish version of the Shroud of Turin. You can possibly imagine. You know those metal toys you buy when you were a kid where you can press your face into them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you'd be like, oh look it's my face. That's what the Shroud of Turin looks like. It looks like that but with cloth. It's like a tie-dye t-shirt. Yeah. The seat. It's like CSI Jerusalem in there. It's like hey boss. You're gonna want to see this Tell me this pancake doesn't look like that Jewish guy. We can swear that that's him this toast. There's a lot of clues here

He also has this great moment where he's like don't let anybody in here to contaminate the crime scene And I'm like why cuz you're gonna dust for finger press So and also I love to he cuz he comes up and they're examining the ropes and it's like it's like they burst And it's like why didn't you just put a Jesus shaped hole in the fucking rock at this point like it's as though they burst Like what would be the difference between a fucking rope event burst or if you cut it far enough to like release the weight of this giant goddamn stone you did you do some fucking forensic testing and figure that out? I wanted him to flash back to like him at cop school where he's like now this is what a rope

looks like when it bursts this is what a rope looks like when it's cut literally all we know at this point history you're all cops now or tight as the lonesome or I don't know you're a Greek word go fuck each other everyone go take a bath who wants a winner of a stock so now we get to the um... the interrogating people part of the movie that opens up and boy does Zekko on for a while. First we're going to start off with one of the guards.

He goes to the Jewish temple or whatever and one of the guards comes to talk to him but the other doesn't. And he's like, okay, so what happened that night? And wouldn't you know at the guard's stories just not adding up? Yeah. It's almost as though the Jews that don't want Jesus to be seen as the Messiah has paid him to lie about it. Yeah, and but he calls him out.

He's like, hey man, you see this? This is your very clearly rubber bottle of wine. I found it. And he's like, fuck you. I'm probably shitting that with. Let's find out from the crime lab that your saliva is on this one. It's gonna be a big trouble. But then, we find the snitch who is going to be instrumental to this movie.

So they're walking away from interviewing one of the guards. So the guard story is, with Vowsley, they knocked us out or they attacked us. They stole the body they they left Which is infinitely more reasonable than what the quote unquote truth It was going to later reveal to me, but fine fine. That's the lie and we figure out it's a lie Because who knows because you have to because this movie's leaning to Jesus But then they're literally walking away from there and there's a guy talking to his friend and he's like hey I hear Jesus you know came back from the dead. He might be the savior. And Draco, Malfoy grabs them and then he's going to be their snitch who knows where all of the apostles are for the rest of the

village. What are the odds? Most miraculous thing we saw in this film. And of course, to make sure that we get that PG-13 rating and kids will think it's cool, they also have to dig up a bunch of bodies to make sure they're not Jesus so that we can linger on a lot of corpse scenes. And I just want to point out, this is what a badass clavius says, like everyone else is all puke and shit, but he doesn't give a fuck. He's okay with this smell of dead bodies. Like, that's how awesomely badass he is. He's pretty hardcore. Yeah, I guess. So now we go to this incredibly long series of interviews starting with Joseph Avera-Mathia,

the guy who's last saw the body, maybe he'll know something. And we learned that clavius' interrogation technique is asking them to tell the truth pretty please, really hard. And as you may have guessed, it didn't work in this case. So as he's walking out, clavius is like, you know, like, I'll try other means before I have to break you.

You're withholding things from me, and he's like, you're right, I am. And he comes back to the desk, and he pulls out the crown of thorns that Jesus was wearing. He's like, I was withholding the king's crown and sets it down. And like, dude, were you just walking around with that in your robe? Yeah, it's been like two weeks.

I'm really glad you asked me about it. It feels like people have been like, what is that smell? And I'm like sweat, blood, and thorns. That's so crazy. I'm an opus Dana. He's like, man, I was almost out of here before you gave me a cool dramatic purpose to give you this. I've wanted to so bad.

I was just sitting here the whole time trying to think of a way to work that in. Oh, frown. I noticed you're frowning and that rhymes with no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Joe, you can do it. Let it flow. Let it flow. It's gonna be cool. You know what?

It may be like drop it as you walk out and be like, oh, what's that? You'll be like, oh, this. So then we move on to number two, to, um, believer number two that we're gonna interrogate. And, um, it's a blind old lady. Yeah, it's a blind old lady. So, not sure how much we're gonna learn from her,

but, you know, I mean, they're trying to make a statement about blind faith, but, you know, they're accidentally pointing out it. The one on one, right? Jesus knew this old lady and didn't bother to cure her over blindness, even though, clearly, could have. So, whoopsie. So, then they bring in the snitch.

Right, right. And the snitch tells them that who they're actually looking for is Mary Magdalene. Right, right. Yeah, he, he, well, first, now he, first he goes and he takes a break to go to the little, the little prayer vending machine or whatever that they have. And he very clearly prays to Jew God instead of Mars is normal God. Yeah. Clevius literally passed Cal Wager's some money on yesh was that. Like, I did help murder your son, but I'm on board now. Now here's 10 bucks for your kickstart.

Yeah, right. You're thinking, and also this was so distracting to me. Clevius has all the herpes on his lower lip. He has, I wrote him a note, each and every herpie in the world is on his lower lip. He has five-order minutes. Each and every herpe in the world is on his lower lip. So I wrote in my notes a million times. This man has had blood on his lip the entire movie. No one at any point in this film went, you got a little...

You want to just do it? A little mustard, you want to just wipe? No. Did you not eat? Yeah, and written as Joseph Fides looking uncomfortable, the movie. So he goes back in and we've got the snitch here now. And finally, he's got somebody who can tell him something,

the guy that they just happened to be wandering around. And he says, hey, you're about that Jesus guy. He seems to be super in the know. So he tells them about Mary Magdalene, the hooker. Right. And she's of the street, we know she's a hooker because she's of the street. know she's a hooker because she's of the street yeah right right exactly the way he finds out where she is is he goes into the barracks very funny and goes how many of you here have fucked Mary Magdalene and everyone raises their hands Damn just search for the woman who's labia drag on the ground

Throw like yeah, we gang bang to Yesterday you were there. Yeah, you were what times your herpes by the way You got something on your lip I have to admit that was like that was a legitimately funny moment except but he's the night We're the only people in the theater laughing at it because all these old people are like well that's not appropriate at all I just thought the issue was more for a reason it's gonna be my oxygen mask over here so uh... so then they go to stake out the whorehouse where she works and we we cut in on on clavius telling like this obviously foreshadowing war story that doesn't have any reason to be here except that it's gonna come back later.

So, but then, you know, they're waiting for like the soldier that's fucked up that they brought along to recognize her. And when he does, it's from the back of her head and she's wearing a cloak. Take that out where you want it. It seems realistic to me, but you know. Exactly. Look, realism, this movie nailed it. So they grabbed Mary and there's a fantastic line. We basically get Mary looking out the window. So we're back to first 48, the Jesus edition. And she said he asks her where Jesus' body is and she goes, he's right here and he goes, is he a goblin? A sprite? And I was like, I like this character. And she's, of course, by the way, the entire interview, I just want to point this out. This entire interview, this woman is shaking, crying, weeping, saying nonsense into the

wind, and she is the same character in history. Apparently, yeah, she's the one we're supposed to be listening to, and she's like everything he asks, she's just answering in riddles or whatever. I swear she was about to say, I'll tell you what the disciples are. If you can answer me, these questions, three. I also wrote down at this point, 45 minutes and I bet eventually something happens or something. Spoiler, it doesn't.

Yeah, not exactly. So he can't get anything from Mary So he decides to take a nap and has a weird Jesus dream spooky Roman sex dream But I mean let's be fair who hasn't had a dream of an ocean and in the center of that ocean is Christ on the cross Yeah, right? He's having like gay crucifixion sex fantasy with Jesus in the middle of a kiss from a rose music video gay crucifixion sex fantasy with jesus in the middle of a kiss from a rose music video uh... he'll just watch and while he's in uh...

uh... uh... uh... so that we get uh... so he he wakes up and and punch just once in because he's all mad at him for digging up the juu graves which it's like to do them looking for a dead you know i mean we're you told me look for Jew graves?

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So now they have this radical idea that they come up with where they go back to the guy that gave him Mary Magdalene and hand him some money and say, okay, tell us where one of those other disciples is. That's what they came up with. So now we meet Bartholomew. They're a great cop of these.

Yeah. Right. Now, okay, so everybody, I said, I I said earlier everybody in the movie had a British accent. Bartholomew is a little bit more Irish, you know, but he's like an Irish hippie, which obviously leads to the question, why is Bartholomew a fucking Irish hippie? Bartholomew is the Irish guy that you hung out with at Bonarou. He introduced you to all his hippie girlfriends. He played Frisbee, hung out for hours, but in reality, you were talking to a box of lucky

charms for five times while you were tripping. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I've been there. Who hasn't? Also, there's a crazy moment. So he's interrogating Bartholomew and he's trying to find out where the body is and he's like, what if I crucify you if you don't tell me

And he's like oh go ahead and crucify me and he does the like bad cop like do you know what happens when they crucify a man This happens and then this happens and then this happens like he broke Bartholomew Yeah, Bartholomew is like super affected by it. He's like oh, he like curls up on the ground and then he's like, come, tell me and then Bartholomew is like Which makes the whole scene make no Bought in sense it just becomes a comedy because Bartholomew is supposed to like the scene makes sense if Bartholomew breaks And they write something about him, but he doesn't he just basically whisper gets close to the guys here And he's like, I'll tell you who's hiding the body His name is these nuts

And then he leaves Crucify him does not get fulfilled. He's just like how you got me you got me Bart. All right get out of here you you scamp I guess and obviously it was just there because we want to spend a little more time talking about how shitty Crucifixion is and and and what a bad time that is so that nobody thinks about the fact that this ultimate suffering of Jesus is really doesn't compare to you know, whatever Brie Larson in room so now Claudius brings like the like he's given up on finding the real Jesus So he just finds him a dead Jew that kind of looks like Jesus And it was kind of like it's got their you know nail holes in the right spot and everything and we linger on that

Corp for quite a while to earn that PG 13 rating again, right and then it's literally the Chief don't take me off the case. Yes. I need one more week and he's got damn it Tribune You've gone rogue turn in your badge and you your ring in your spear or whatever the fuck it is So close to crack in this case though That's that's all we needed was like for him to slam down his fucking gladius and his fucking ring or whatever I'm not a tribute tonight. He puts a banana in the back of someone's horse night. He puts a banana in the back of someone's horse. Where was Eddie Murphy in this movie? That's what this movie needed. Eddie Murphy. Boy, you know, you're not dealing with a good movie where you can say that. Please, all 12 apostles.

Awesome. How fat was Simon Eddie for the last time we're not putting you in a fancy I'm just asking one of that one of the odds to the all be trim So Oh also I love to on the way out of this scene like pilot stops on his way out And it's just like ah what is any of this matter? We're all gonna look like him in the end anyway if we'll need some savior could die for our sins and give us ever lasting life Turns to the camera and winks. So then right before they have to go to Hebrew and which is why he has to be taken off the case. Lucius Torpus tells him where he can find the other guard from Jesus' tomb at a bar so that

like we can interrogate him too I guess. And I call this character two teeth Moriarty. He basically looks like Moriarty from Sherlock without all the teeth. I had poor man's Mark Ruffalo kind of halfway to Hulk. Oh, that's good. That's very good. A lot. And so he has his true confession moment. He's super drunk. Yeah, and and look I want to point out like okay

This is like the ninth person that we've met that whose entire life is miserable because of this whole crucifixion thing like Jesus could just show up in public at any time and fix that problem for him You know, so Jesus is being a dick about it. But he's busy, he's busy. He's got shit to do. He's got fucking wounds to have fingered or whatever. So basically this is where we finally get somebody who's gonna tell him the truth and he's like, oh, you know, we were asleep and the thing in the light and just burst open or whatever.

And I wanna point out this because the guard says, he's like, it was so bright, it was just though the sun rose in this tomb Get it the sun rose Sun Get used to it. There will be a lot of it before we're done and I got admit that guy nailed that monologue like he did a Really yes, there was a lot of really good acting in this dumbass movie It's like the fourth time in my notes where I wrote the acting in this movie is

Fine, it's really great. Yes! I get how that experience would have felt for someone. You conveyed that well. This is a tough one for us. We really had to we've got to earn our stripes. But that's okay because now they've found the disciples. It will kind of I mean because yeah They're like oh we found all the disciples. They're somewhere in this little town here. I think Right, so yeah, so they go to this little town to find the disciples and as soon as we get this little town Because this is a little desert town with things cut into like you know, you know cut into the sides of rocks and shit and I thought to myself

and I wrote down a minute so I'm like what a great setting for a chase scene I bet we don't get one. Even though they're chasing people we still don't get a chase scene. Yeah. Damasses. But he bursts in the door so there's like a kind of supposed to be a chase scene where they're doing a big raid and clavius bursts in the door and sitting there with all the disciples is Jesus. Yeah. They're all just kind of hanging out together. All sort of touching them in a weird narz creamy way. Yeah, just touching Jesus' fantastic bod. And the weird thing is clavius does not go twins.

No! That's the major problem with this moment in the movie. Later on, I get it. He's about to vanish and okay, then clavius can be all wowed out. But if I walked in a room and saw someone who I thought was dead, I'd be like twins. Well, especially consider that the only time

clavius soym is like dying on the cross full of blood and shit this guy. Right, right, this could just be a similar looking tall guy. Yeah. Basically, it could have been Pablo Escobar. He doesn't know. But instead, he drops his sword and like goes and huddles in the corner.

Well, first he tells all the soldiers soldiers stand down, stop looking and shit too Yeah, he could not be more clear to drake o' mouthway. He's like look. I'm gonna go into that room, but he's not there They're probably not here at all everyone go home. I'll catch up with you later You can go and he's like hey, do you want me to come with you? No? Shit, I got this shit. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna shit. You know, why am I on my hand? It's gonna take a long time. Don't stay close to me. I have to go really bad.

I'm backing away. I'm backing away slowly. Stop getting closer. So, yeah, so then he goes inside to like, Marvel in the corner at Jesus, I guess? Who's not doing anything magical. He's just sitting there. No, and everybody says, oh, my Lord, it's Jesus. Oh, right.

Airweights him. Yeah. We've got to play to nectarines. Right. And then Thomas comes in, and I was getting so excited. I'm like, oh, Thomas is coming, and you know what happens? When Thomas comes in, but all Thomas does is like rub his wounds with his finger. Oh.

Thomas is supposed to stick to fucking his finger, he's supposed to finger bang Jesus, a stigmata. I'm like, if you're gonna make me sit through the stupid fucking scene, I better get some fucking stigmata finger bang, but all he does is just brushes his fucking nails across and like, oh, you know, that looks like it was put on with, you know, with some makeup.

Yeah, I just wrote no finger bang fuck this movie No, shit. I was so disappointed so dissuade they should have stayed true to the source material Yeah, and then Jesus pulls a night crawler I guess Yeah, Jesus gets raptured also by the way, I was just thinking about this so they're feeling his stigmata wounds Whatever he has the same thing so like if the Roman guys had chopped his head off It would just be floating above his body right now. Like he'd be holding his hands and talking to you. Like what the fuck's happening?

The reanimator that would have been such a better fucking Jesus. Watch better. Anyway, so Jesus disappears and everything's like, what happened to Jesus? And so now I guess at this point, like the fucking the McLevius could be freaked out a bit, but I'm sure he like a little something off like that. Jesus is being like a douchey hipster Gandalf, this whole move, I fucking hate him. So is. Especially, I'm thinking about it now, especially when you've got 11 people in the room that are on your side and just one person that you're trying to trick, yeah, it'd probably be fairly easy to pull off the disappear.

Anyway, so then they're all like, what do we do? Why did Jesus just disappear like a dick without telling us what to do or anything and then Mary says well He said something cryptic about going to Galilee or something so maybe we should do that and I'm like Why wouldn't he just say hey guys? I'm a disappear Meet me in Galilee. Yeah, at least David Blaine says watch No, no move over to the of the room a little bit more, but little bit. I'm love it. I'm on the wrong side. I can see your foot. So you got to get right there. I thought you were taller. I thought you were a little taller. So while Klaviius tends to his new crisis of faith,

we'll take a much deserved break. But before we do, let me give Act 3 the hard sell here. Well, this entire movie come to a screeching halt. Well, nothing interesting happened from here on out. Will Act 3 leave you longing for those exciting interrogation scenes? Yes, but stick around anyway for the eventual conclusion of... RISON. My Lord! Yes? Pontius calls for you. Excellent. Leave me to him. My Lord?

Yes? Pontius calls for you. Yeah, I heard you. No, no, no, just now, while we were standing here on the way to calling, you, he wanted me to call you a second time. I mean, we're literally walking right to him. He's right there, he sees us.

Ah, Klaivia, so good to see you. Tell him again. My lord. What? Parchist calls for you. I really cannot wait for phones to exist. Tell him again, tell him again. Pfft.

And as though to prove Sam Harris right about free will, we're back for more. And when last we saw our hero, apparently he was abandoning his post to wander off with a bunch of Jewish zealots because he'd never seen the prestige. Yeah. More or less. And he leaves a note. Yeah, right. So the next thing we get is Pontius and Torpus going back to the little village to look for him because he never checked back in and he left them A. I decided to be Christian. Please don't text anymore note. Yeah, and don't follow me don't look for me Yeah, and don't send that fucking Punches once you guy after me See that asshole again

By the way the note is so Condescending is like dear Punches pilot you know, my character is all about logic, reason, and evidence. And that's why I'm a Christian now because of the data. You're truly clavius. The logical Christian. But despite his best wishes, they're going to go looking for him anyway. So Pontius orders clavius killed and also likes girly at number two this year after after levian Fuck me up so bad the whole goddamn time kept wanting to say something about blowing the roof off the doors So anyway, so then we we we cut to the camping with the disciples on the road to Galilee scene Right is I couldn't figure this out was he supposed to be like

scene right right is I could figure this out was he's supposed to be like Following them secretly like golem. Do they know he was there? Yeah, it's exactly what it is. Okay, so he was golemming them from behind and I guess they figured out that he was there So Simon comes to bring him some water And Clash is just slices the shit out of his shins Uh, cuz he sneaks up behind him, which I thought was awesome Also for those who are interested in what a puzzle in a thunderstorm actually is i will tell you twelve percent of it is gollumming someone from behind

twenty five percent you want to know uh... you have a quarter that now if you don't know what gollumming someone from behind is that's not up to that's the whole new website for that by the way by the way I have to tell all the listeners if you haven't checked out a puzzle on a thunderstorm dot com you definitely showed it's a not not a site that we set up but it's in a hilarious phenomenal and recommended enough yeah we'll definitely link it on the

the description box there so back to clavius slicing assignment across the shins here. I'm not trying to blame the victim here. But why would you sneak up from behind to give water to an armed man that the Roman army is trying to kill? I mean, why not just yo clavius, we know you're there. Are you thirsty? Yeah, I like to think about was like Homer Simpson jumping out behind him like clavis want to see my new chains on hockey that Sorry Diculous But he stabs them and then Simon's a real bitch about it to he's like, oh you fucking stab me man

We don't know about germs yet. I'm probably gonna die of this We bring it water and he pours out all his water just to be a dick and I'm like, yeah I mean you know like you you have the right to be mad here, but you're in a desert, dude You don't just pour out those fucking water be juiced off, but that's okay because he lets him back to the fire And they all have some bread together They have some bread and some laughter together and what we're supposed to be feeling when they have some bread and laughter is like, man, these people, they got something special. Like, something about the love of Jesus just makes these people like nobody else.

But I watched it and was like, yeah, cults are great. Yeah, cults are great. When you're in a cult, it's fine. Past around that same piece of bread. I've seen the Jim Jones video, like everyone's laughing and smiling while they drink the drinks. It doesn't mean it was a good time before. Yeah, exactly. I watched the video so those guys that cut their nuts off right before they killed themselves

to get on that Halebop spaceship too. So yay for cults. And then so then we get the next day that he's walking with Simon along the world and he's asking all these logical data-driven questions. He's like, well, why doesn't he just show himself publicly in Simon's? Like, you go have to figure that out, baby. And it cuts the fucking blood. Uh, you're totally right. None of this makes any fucking sense. But we're followers. He jumps off the bridge. We don't ask questions because that's virtuous.

But of course, as they're wandering along along the roman army catches up so that we can use the suspenseful sounding music that they paid for right exactly and basically the roman army finds everywhere except for Lucius malfoy or traco malfoy who catches the like ravine there in and they have this very weird homo erotic moment where they get their faces very close together and he's like look you get down and I wear here and he's like I have to take your sword he takes a sword away and then he gives it back and he's like you you buy well okay so

first of all the meowing is way out of the sword thing is a little much but so yeah, so Lucius tries to stab and he gets this or he pulls the sword to Lucius's throat and he says while he's got the sword to Histories says nobody's gonna die today, and I'm like you're sending mixed messages, bro Yeah, which one of us to wear now he can step away from you undercutting your own Throat sword thing here. I want to drink early and fart and be like, prove to wrong. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Guys down here and they like walk through this hidden trench for no, but they don't even walk They're just like spin he claviest of several cartwheels the

Series they look like Jay and silent Bob breaking into the fucking animal thing Serpentine serpentine Yeah, if this is the least as medsville chase the inevitable they're just heightened mind brush and rolling for no The Romans are just walking in the opposite direction. They both keep moving behind us. No! But don't worry, that scene was just bad. The next one is fucking ridiculous.

So they wind up at this beach and they're all hungry. So somebody says, let's all go fishing. And it says, though, somebody just suggested keg stands or something like that, because they're all like running out in the first of all. They're just like, oh, here's a spare fishing boat right here. We'll take this one. And then then they go out and fish and they're all fishing. Yay. The last time I saw characters celebrating this happily was when someone declared gasoline fight in Zoolander one. That's the overwang. If you're looking for an image, it's the gasoline fight in Zoolander one.

Also not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. Yeah. This is where I wrote down, oh right forgot the story is boring as fuck right right You have to follow that stupid fucking story for the rest of the movie exactly and that's where the real movie really falls apart is where they Have to catch up with the Bible But I gotta say like even up to this point it was basically like you know all the walking of Lord of the Rings with none of the action Right and and it went down from there someone does tackle Jesus into a volcano at the end of this movie spoilers sorry sorry, so they're out trying to fish and they can't catch any fish They do have a little splash fight with clavias at one point I

Have the exact same thing in my notes to all caps You have more exclamation marks than my- I think someone's ticklish. She was a tickle monster. Don't, don't, don't, don't stab you right in the leg. I'll stab you right in the leg. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I fell over into your lap and we've locked. Oh, that's-

So now, I just wanna point out to everyone that what we're discussing here is the fact that they found a way to make a scene of 11 men on a boat that's meant for five gay. Like it was gay for that. So anyway, so and oh and then we get another little little homophone joke here. He says they can't catch any fish and he's like well let's just sleep until the sun awakens us. Sun. Sun. Oh, what's gonna happen here? But it's not Jesus. it's Obi-Wan Kenobi. And that's how Roman knows the following morning,

they see Jesus won Kenobi, he won during the beach, half fucking savior, half Java. Right. And he literally goes, try the right side of the boat, and they do, and they've caught nothing, and so they try the right side of the boat, and they catch 84,000 pounds of fish immediately. So like, Jesus' first miracle in this movie, just to be clear, is try that side.

Well, it also is genociding a fucking bunch of fish because like, look, this is a guy that can multiply fish. You only needed to kill one. Right? I mean, couldn't they just get one fucking fish take it to the it's like when you add time travel when you have fish Multiplication powers in your story. You really have to think that shit through yeah Yeah, there was a big hole in this plot. Yeah, that it really made sense So now they're all sitting on the beach having fish with Jesus just like and I'm writing in my notes Hey, this is the last appearance of Jesus guys. We're almost done here Yeah, and there's a lot of touching like they're always grasping knees and thighs and hands. It's just real gay

It's real and it's not the fun kind of gay. It's not like oh, maybe I can do this forever No more tinder for me grinders my choice now. It's not that kind of gay It's just it's just like everybody start fucking or stop touching each other. It's like meeting Greek men, you know, it's just like, are we fucking get off? Get off if we're not gonna fuck. Get on if we're gonna fuck. Get on if we're gonna, but if we're not gonna, you're creeping me out. Also, just want to put a quick pin in this conversation. So, Gladius is talking to one of, I don't know which one,

he's talking to one of the apostles. And he says, did you really believe that Jesus would come back? And he says, no, we doubted. And he's like, well then why did you follow? And he's like, no, I don't know. Just wanna put a pin in that. Because after that, we get the Jesus healing the leper scene.

Right? So we see old ladies, she's beating up this le ladies she's beating up this leopard get away from me get away from me And he Jesus walks over with a fish and one of the disciples actually goes, oh, I think he's gonna do it Like just about to throw down his catchphrase or something. Oh, he's got it He's like the friend who knows capoeira Then you're a drama you're like go on Alan do it You're gonna do a cartwheel spin thing just do a cartwheel spin thing noodles Do what you're gonna do Brian

So then Jesus gives the guy a fish and he hugs him He says do you believe do you have faith and it's like are you not gonna heal me if I don't you jackass? So so Jesus heals the leopard leprosy seems very nonplussed by this very much he looks like Andre the giant he walks away just turns around and he's like okay bye he's not like holy fucking shit I had leprosy he's just like man that was nice of you I just wrote sloth love yeshua baby Ruth so so but now after this happens the guy that clavius was talking to turns to him and ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, you know, you know, you're high, you'll blind people in the upper's name, you go, oh, I get it. I see why you follow him now. Oh, it's done. The fuck also just want to throw this out there. This movie has the exact same plot at this point as point break, the surf movie.

At this point, is the exact same. They get the beach. They have the activity like it's a were it's moment for moment point break. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He heals the leper, and that's why they believe in everything, and I'm writing in my notes 90 minutes guys. Something's definitely going to happen eventually. I can feel it. But no, instead Jesus takes Simon off to chat, see if he's got any nard cream left. You know, he doesn't. And then of course we get the claviest chatting with Jesus that night scene.

Right. And Jesus gives a bunch of great advice that Jesus would never give anybody. Pfft, right. This is the least, again, I said one of the big things about this movie that makes it a good movie is that they don't rely on the whole what Jesus said and did thing. And this is basically him just being like,

so what's going on, Clavius? Like, what's bothering you? And Clavius is like, I don't know, man. I just, and he's like, don't you seek for a day without death and clavis is like yeah man that'd be nice I do I do and instead of him being like lay his head down before me that does not follow me follow the old lawns he's like you go to sleep champ I'm gonna go rest I'm gonna go make some more so everyone can have breakfast more Jesus the trail angel, you know, I help torture and kill you right? There's no biggie old so-and-so nose-hawk

That's around it and Clevver is just like he's sitting there He's talking to what now he understands to be God and he's like I don't even know what to ask Let's start with testicles. Is that the most aesthetically pleasing thing you guys could come up with? With testicles you didn't have, I mean, I would have so many good fucking questions. Did you ever think maybe not flesh eating bacteria?

Was that ever on the fucking table at any point? Not flesh eating. Wait, why can't gay people have wedding cakes? Does your dad really need four eyeball monsters singing his praises 24 hours later? He was when you got one eyeball monster. Isn't that enough for everybody? But instead he asked what did Bill Murray say to that lady? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You should do a movie where you show everyone your tits. You can see why they cut it out.

Now, I'll be so disappointing. But instead, the best question he can come up with is, I couldn't think anything. I knew I had something. It'll occur to me later. Or what? That's basically all we got. But then he's like, it's also hard to believe. And believe and Jesus is like well think about how much more full of shit This is gonna seem like to everybody who didn't see it, you know

Everybody except for the 11 people who are sitting right here turns to the camera and wings Yeah, this was the most like hmm It's gonna be a lot harder to believe this movie and I was like yeah It's really hard to believe hell boy believe this movie and I was like, yeah, it's really hard to believe hellboy 2 unless you watch hellboy 2 and assume that it really happened Tell you kiss sister kills herself and it kills the brother. I was there And then they wake up the next day and wouldn't you know what Jesus is gone. And just to reinforce the all the apostles were stupid narrative that they tell in the Bible, they all just like start yelling, yes you are!

Yes you are! All the oxen free! We're yeah man! Like dude, he's been disappearing and reappearing ever since like he died. I mean you don't think, oh I guess he... Right, but they're all screaming like he's a little boy lost at the mall. They're all like, yeah! Daniel! Daniel! I left it by the food court and he's just right there he's

like four paces behind them everyone and no one looked in a full 360 degree circle before they started screaming like they were having their balls shocked but yeah yeah because Jesus is just kind of wandering away and then he gives us this little long distance monologue, which is kind of weird, because he's standing away far away from everybody's not talking very loud. And basically, let me paraphrase the entire monologue,

Jesus gives, and this is biblical. Basically, he says, never shut up about how awesome I am. Right now. That's pretty much his final message, and then he rises bodily into heaven or gets nuked i can't really tell he has been a person to ash he explodes into ash he very clearly explodes into ash because

stuff comes flying in every way yeah well and i wanted them to all react like tom cruise and war the world's like what's that all over you dad oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck We're gonna have a, a bye-bye party. We're basically, he says goodbye to Simon and he's like, hey, what are you up to? And he's like, eh, you know me, I'm a Fisher of men. And I was like, oh, I feel ya, honey. Man, I think this whole thing has like the feeling of the end of a two day ecstasy party. Everybody's gathered, I love you guys so much.

We're gonna stay in touch, man. We are, we're gonna stay in touch. We're gonna stay in touch, man. We are. We're gonna stay in touch. We're gonna do this every single year. I've never seen those people again. Just hanging out on the boat. What the fuck is happening? Are they about to have like break out a cooler Pepsi and have a dance party? You're still there.

Coldplay is gonna come out. I would have made just as much sense as this as the actual ending. We are not that would have been so much cooler. We could have had like a bollywood no, that would have been so much cooler. We could have had like a bollywood ending. I would have been fucking awesome. So Simon says goodbye to clavius, but not before showing him some lag.

Right, he hikes up his skirt and he shows the scars on his shins. I'll always remember you, because you stabbed me, you asshole. Bye. Bye. Also, and then he gives him the whole like, you should join us clavius and tell people of what you have seen and how awesome Jesus is.

And I'm like, Christianity. There was a never a time when these fuckers weren't pussy. Not once, not a moment in history. The moment that Jesus guy left, everyone was like, you know, you really should dedicate your whole life to telling everyone about that sort of interesting weekend you had. All right, fine.

Thank you. No, thank you. Leave out We'll do twins leave out the twins though leave out the twins. Yeah, way more impressive Um, and now we have to have this little weird wrap-up scene with Pontius pilot that means nothing you know Twerp is shows up to tell him that they didn't catch clavius and of course he goes well I'm sure we'll never hear from them again. Wink it camera. It's not like our empire is gonna fall. Wink. Exactly like the final scene of Point Break. Just throw it in. I don't know man.

He disappeared into the waves. Oh, all right. Chief. I was like, Keanu? It's literally moment for moment. This movie is Point Break. I gotta go back and watch it again with that in mind. I think I'm gonna lot more. It's literally moment for moment this movie is point break I gotta go back and watch it again with that in mind. I think I'll get a lot more Jesus would go

Yes, so now we end up back where we started we're back at the end where apparently he's been telling this poor guy Who just wanted to talk about the weather this entire fucking movie worth of a story and he's done now Pays for his soup with his tribute ring and the innkeeper asks, well do you believe all of that stuff that you just fucking told me? And of course that's just to set him up with this line at the end. He goes, I believe I can never be the same. And that's the closing line of the movie. So the message of this movie is Faith equals having it proven to you empirically beyond a reasonable doubt because of fucking course Clavius believes if fucking Jesus showed up and I met the dude and hung out with him and watched him do fucking miracles I believe do you jackasses Fucking dumbass movie and by the way his herpes have herpes now

They do oral herpes have general her he talks I hear crab scuttling like it's disgusting so distracting no I have to be honest I feel a little disingenuous using the same like you know how many of your testicles would you solve with a pumpkin carver rather than watch this movie again type of thing uh on this particular movie so rather than something like that I want to embrace this new not completely sucking trend in Christian cinema and I'm hoping that you guys can help so I want to ask what is your ideal gritty Jesus reboot film heath huh all right uh well I'm thinking Jesus needs to expand his chops a little. So

maybe another remake of the bird cage and he's dating Nathan Lane. It's Jesus and Nathan Lane. Something like that. Oh, I'm into it. Maybe maybe broke back Mount Sinai. Something like that. They're looking for a new bottom right? They lost their bottom. I just want to see the gritty Jesus reboot of the book of Mormon, right? Where he shows up and he talks to the angels and in the United States and then all of sudden he punches all the Native Americans for being too black or something in terms of their skin red. I want to see the gritty reboot of that where everyone's just wiping with their hand and has wet coughs all the time. Come on, billionaire money. Let's make it happen

Forward slash god awful movies. Let's make it happen to people it's forward slash god awful and I guess that is gonna do it for our review of risen But that's not gonna do it for our episode quite yet because apparently those aren't all the Christian movies and I said to Eli After we watch this I'm like Eli we need something really really bad next week and holy shit did he deliver tell us or what is on deck if footman tire you what will horses do oh my god I okay so I watched the preview better than it sounds we were like nine minutes uh late to record because Ethan, I watched the preview right

before we were supposed to record and needed nine minutes to recover. I showed it to my wife and I shit you not. If I had taken the video of her face watching that and then I'd made her watch two girls one cup, you wouldn't have been able to tell which was which by her reaction. The preview for this is the most insane two minutes

I have ever seen in my life. Yeah, you gotta, the talking about this movie. So here's what I will say about this movie. This movie is made as an anti-communism like exploitation film and the solution for communism is Christianity. And the only other thing you need to know is that you should watch the trailer for this film we had anything we say what would

what undercut the truth in sanity of that preview that too will of course be linked in the uh... in the district description box and like i honestly like if we if you were one of those people that watches along with us and we made just suffer through this Relatively good movie we are gonna make up It's on YouTube. It's free. You have no excuse and it's only an hour long too So yeah, you absolutely have no excuse and footman do tire me so I cannot wait I cannot wait So with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 28 to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go if you

Like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode You can also help us a ton by leaving the five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms And if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out our sibling shows the the skating atheist and the skeptic rat, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nick Avivil, Drafts on Mars, and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes to this episode.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick? I'm no illusions promising the work hard one another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Jesus remained dead. Still waiting. After 40 days and 40 nights Stephen the messenger finally hunted down Kaya and told him Pontius wanted to see him. Mary got the clap. Musta musta Claudius going down on earth at the time. Yeah I get it. Alright alright so Claudius clavius. Drunk guy kicks open a stall and pukes in your lap. You know, the guy was just drunken, was puking, but the fact that he punches you out afterwards,

that makes it seem like he was holding the puke till he got to you. Yeah, it seems like he got into a frat because of that or something else. Yeah, I'm completely lost. You're talking to him, so get you to the head. It's fine to worry man. I failed super hard. Sometimes you swing and you miss hard. Why can't we just keep talking? I was gonna lost this to where it was but the... Stop asking me to go to my ghost! I didn't realize she got nominated! Oh, okay, well that makes perfect sense. So...

I didn't point! Clap, clap, clap! Now we start! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha