God Awful Movies - 282: Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us to discuss the Evangelical snuff play "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames", the story of people dying and burning in Hell for eternity because they were born in the wrong country. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

These like you can snort it, inject it, or eat it. Can you eat heroin? Yeah. That's a question I was wondering. I don't even need anything you want. If you can eat heroin, please give me that. I'm gonna go to all the movies and stuff. What about your fucking nerds we are?

Can you eat heroin? I don't want to be that guy, but I think if you know off the top of your head whether or not you can eat heroin, you probably don't make it to the big bad world of podcasting. You know what you want? You want to sous vide that? God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie.

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Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to God awful movies. We're each week watching other terrible movies so you don't have to. I'm your host Heathen, right?

And sitting 600 miles to my right in his neo-nazi Fallout bunker is my good friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How's it going? I'm fantastic. Keith, you know, I hate to make our show too topical. I know folks listen back in the archives and I know some people come to our show to get away from politics, but my friends this week, the Democrats control the Senate. Donald Trump was banned on Twitter. And I choose to believe one of the terrorists who died storming the Capitol building did so by accidentally chasing himself in the penis. So 100% what happened?

It doesn't get any better than that. I don't care if that didn't happen. That's what happened. It happened in my heart. It happened in my mind. That's what matters. And sitting two thousand miles to my left is veteran guest maskist and recently vaccinated immortal. Carousel. Carousel. And Maria. Carro, welcome back. Unhappy to be here.

That sounds about right. Yep. So Karra, how did you sneak a vaccine? How did you pull it off? Did you like pretend to be an old lady? Because Eli and I were thinking about dressing up as old ladies. Did that work? Mm-hmm. Don't think that'll work. I were thinking about dressing up as old ladies. Does that work? Don't think that'll work.

Also, they're not vaccinating old ladies yet, unfortunately, as of this recording. Damn. Okay. Weirdly though, I have to tell you, I posted on social media, you know, I asked the nurse when she was jabbing me and I take selfies and she's like, yeah, I don't care.

So I posted on social media like a really nice no thanking all of the tireless, you know, the scientists who have been busting their asses to develop this vaccine so quickly and and a little blurb about science and how it's done by people and blah blah blah. And I can't tell you I got a handful of like pretty hateful responses like, oh, good to see celebs can jump the line. And I'm like, wow, there's so much to unpack in that sentence. The brain games van and came and picked you up. Miss Sedg Maria, this way.

I know, I'm like, this is the last one. This is the podcaster TSA pre-check line. The vaccine. Right, so just to be clear, I, not only podcast, I also am working on my PhD in clinical psych, and my practic umplacement right now is in cancer center of like one of the biggest hospitals in Los Angeles. So, I see patients that are very, very sick, and I do psychotherapy with them weekly, and

some of them are terminal, some of them are so sick or have issues within their medication regimen that will prevent them from ever being able to be vaccinated. So I need to be vaccinated, not just for me, but for my patients to protect them. So yeah, I'm not jumping the cue as multiple people mention. Also, not a celebrity, just, you know, doing my job. No one who agrees to come on our show more than one time. Thank you. Thank you. Qualification you're filling out a little form like like Instagram verification which I still don't have by the way. You're filling out the form

for it and they're like have you been on God awful movies? Yeah. Has this occurred more than once? Yeah, it's good to you. Like, if you're under 16 and try and get the shot. Now follow up question, if I come and give your patients, let's say three or four hearty high fives, can I get the vaccine? Like how much therapy you might get? You might get. There was just chit chat. I got jokes. I got a couple of jokes. You might get arrested. If I had a

nickel car, say the real, if I had a nickel. Yeah, let's get Eli doing jokes in the Cancer Ward. That's a good call. Yeah, it's a great idea. That'll go real well. Actually, it might go pretty well. You could go well. You could go well. When I bomb all bomb hard in the cancer ward. That's true. That's true. All right, well, I hate to bring the mood down from that, but, um, Karen, what are we going to be breaking down today? Oh, man, not a skinheads here tonight. You guys love the Nazi party, huh? No, it starts and it will not end for the entire show you guys.

Um, yeah, we're breaking down heaven's gates and hell's flames. I told you guys, this would be good. Now I mentioned this. This was you. Yeah, this is my fault. You weren't there. Was it the episode that you were there? I missed the last one you're on. Is this when this happened? Yes. So I was likening something, which episode was that Eli? They all blur together. Yeah. Is that a bar? No, it's me. Was that a bar? I'm talking something. I don't know.

It was a movie. Was that a borrowed Christmas? That was a borrowed Christmas. Yes. Wow. Right. So you can still name them. Yes.

So in a borrowed Christmas, a lot of dumb shit happens. And basically the takeaway is that the entire ethical premise of the movie is devoid and bankrupt. And as we were talking about it, I was like, wow, this really reminds me of this crazy play that one of my friends took me to because she was like an evangelical when I was a kid. And it was called Heaven's Gates in Hell's Flames

and I remember a handful of things about it. And then of course, Eli did some sleuthing. You've seen this movie play live. You've been to this in a theater? Oh, this legit, I am the person in the YouTube comments who was like, this is all I remember about my childhood because it's hard for a life. Wow.

Okay. Yeah. Great. Fantastic. Okay. Yeah. Great. Fantastic. All right. Well, Eli, besides what we've already heard, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the acting of porn, but miss the production quality of a haunted house, one in a divorce settlement, all while being unable to conceptualize a concept, unless it's repeated in the exact same way 12 times in a row, you will love this movie. Yeah, I think that's accurate. The momentum guy would stand up in the

middle of this movie and be like, repetitive. This is repetitive. Oh, right. And is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. So best worst, you know, metadata, YouTube description. This is my favorite. So there are a lot of different versions of this, but the one that we watched was uploaded by quote, library VHS Rips and the description that library VHS Rips put on YouTube is quote, library VHS rips. And the description that library VHS rips put on YouTube is, quote, fucked up Christian

play where a bunch of people die and go to hell for a name reasons, including but not limited to being too busy volunteering at charities to go to church and learning about evolution from college professors. And I don't think there's a better summary of this play than that. No, there's not. No. Wow. Actually, there are New York Times blur. Yes. So I was going to go with best worst theatrical format, but I want to add one. I just mentioned

the learning about evolution from college professors. So I'm gonna go with best worst definition of evolution according to this movie. If I remember correctly, it was Darwin taught us that there's no afterlife, if you have finches or something like that. Yep, yep. That was the definition of evolution. But best worst theatrical format.

And Eli actually hinted at this. It's a play. It's a VHS rip of a play being performed at a church by a community church theater. In five acts, act one, act one, act one, act one, act one. That's the format. It's exhausting. And I was going to go with best worst YouTube comments. Yes. We occasionally watch a movie that's on YouTube and aside from the gamblers who chimed in and were as excited about watching this as I was, we got some real gold here in the YouTube comments.

So I pulled some of my favorites and I thought I would read them. So our listeners know just what they're in for James duo one of the first comments on the video asks How do I download this movie to share with others? Get a good library man Here's a good contrast between user name and comment user yogi bear writes Nails didn't hold him, love did. What? We are so unworthy, but God is merciful and mighty.

He's coming back sooner than we think. And this theme was surprisingly prevalent in the comments. Yes, a lot of people use this as an opportunity to express their love of Jesus. For instance, user N.W. who wrote, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, we are a mess. We need you every minute, Jesus and Rosebud, who by the way, I went down to Rosebud Rabbit Hole to read all of this first and comments.

And they are the saddest short story. But Rosebud writes one of their comments are crying face, crying face, crying face, crying face, crying face, crying face, crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face crying face. Not one Christian had told me how to get saved God sent an angel after I'd gone to hell. He rescued me. Please Christians tell people. Oh, that's what he's saying tell. Yeah, there's a W in there, but there's a new. And my favorite comment is from a user called Paris Dre Patrozi, who just wrote, that's not what Coke is like. Yeah, we get a church acting troop trying to pantomime having cocaine in their system and doing it.

It's rough. He has coke. Apparently. We'll get there. We'll get there. There was a bag of white stuff. I feel like they meant coke. They know.

But it was heroin. Maybe. We'll find out. I don't think they know the difference. Whatever it is, you can eat it. So. Yeah, that's what I was confused about. They got some interesting ideas about how drugs work. Well, we don't, we're going to take

a quick break so I can do a whole bunch of drugs while saying I love Jesus the whole time, which makes it perfectly safe. And then we'll be back to tell you all about heaven's gate and hell's flames. Hey, Cara, you ready to record? Yeah, Carrie, you ready? Sure. Why is Eli inside your shirt? Oh, this is a cut's shirt. What's a cut's shirt? It's a signature, buttery soft, heek-a-pro, tribe-lenty. It's a bold new take on a classic design, combining the ultimate blend of high-quality fabrics.

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Eli, move. I want it. What? Oh, no, push it. No, push it. Stop it. Relax. Nice, right?

Totally. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting for heaven's gate and hell's flames. So as you know, this is going to be a morality play of sorts, warning folks about the things that keep them out of heaven. So let's brainstorm what keeps people out of heaven. Oh, being Jewish. Being Muslim, being Muslim. Cool. Yep. Right. I'll put that down.

You know what? I'm going to put it down as not being Christian. Great. Okay. Now, why aren't people Christian? Ooh. Is it because they're too busy? Yeah.

Busy. That's probably a big one. Let's definitely touch on that a lot, good. Oh, oh, maybe, maybe because they don't think it's cool. Mm-hmm. Or because they learned about evolution in school, right? Oh, or because they don't think God will like them. Great, great, great. Well, that seems like a great play right there.

I think we're done, right? Ooh, one thing. Yeah, Gary, what's up? If we use all of those, are we going to have time for murderers and rapists and stuff? Actually, murder and rape, those aren't deal breakers in the Bible. They're not? Nope. Nope, the rule is you just gotta say sorry. So...

Yeah, but being too busy to specifically tell Jesus you're a Christian, that will send you to hell. That'll send you right to hell very much. Yes. Oh, well, I guess we got a movie then. Hell yeah, we do. Dave, language. No, it's cool. I'm a Christian. Cool. Just saved it. And we're back. And they started us off with an FBI warning about stealing the artistic property on the VHS tape that Dave made from the ninth row during this church theater thing.

This movie was made by, I shit you not, reality overreach films because pulling your chain productions was taken by I shit you not reality over reach films because Pulling your chain productions was taken I guess I think I think it was reality outreach But still I mean that's like pretty self-aware for a religious group that they're like we're gonna reach out to reality See how it goes. I don't know. Oh Eli just fill it in what you want to see I have to point out they begin the movie by being like, just so you know, we've got a version of this in Spanish, French, Russian, and what's that thing called for the Defer's sub-something?

Whatever, we got one for Defer. They don't use subtitles. They don't know the word subtitle. They're just like, and for the special version for deaf people. Yeah. Also, he's literally like also available Miracle in Modesto, a documentary based on our 28 day crusade in Modesto California. A crusade. You don't just casually throw the word crusade out there. Like what? What's happening in Modesto? I don't know that part of California.

Oh, some crazy shit going on in there. At least some crusading. Yeah. Cast of Monty Python walking around in the sun. Man, there's a lot of heroin needles around. Why are there so many heroin needles on the sidewalk? Which means now it's time to introduce our narrator who starts way too far back from the camera.

So he takes these hilariously huge and awkward steps to get into frame. That's how we're going to start this movie. Yeah. And he says, while I was walking here, I realized that death comes to people of all ages. What the fuck happened to you while you were walking in here? You see a baby get killed on the way over and you just like kept going and then told us the story. This is good. This is good for my intro to the weird school play that I'm doing today. You know, guys, this is perfect.

You know, they don't care. They don't care. I'm going. Jesus. No, it's so bad. It's also blustering wind. His terrible shirt is flapping in the wind like a pirate flag. He's, he's amazing in so many ways. He has like a bitch and stash.

He does. His wardrobe is tits. Also he's like tripping on his lines. Like at one point he's like, Jesus one day, oh, and it's like, dude, you know this is film, you can just retake that. You don't have to keep that to me. They do not know that. They do not know that.

No, this is Marlon Brando, no second takes. In fairness, he might have the best delivery of everyone in this movie. Yeah, he might be. Although there are two very good actors in this movie who I will point out when we get to their parts. Oh, you might be. Although there are two very good actors in this movie who I will point out when we get to their parts. Oh, you're talking about the construction guys because they're fucking great.

Yeah, no, but really most of the people in this play, which takes place at victory church in Lakeland, Florida, is literally Florida, man. That's all it said in the credit. It's just played by Florida, man. Yep. As well, They should be so now We're gonna cut to this same guy much warmer in a suit introducing the church play that we're gonna watch God and it's a fucking musical right away. We find out I was so so disappointed that in all caps

Fuck I forgot it's a musical if I remember that I never would have told you about In fairness though this musical forgets that it's a musical for most of the musical. We're gonna get one song at play and then one song. And then it just plays handle over and over and over. Whatever people go to heaven. What I love is that at the very beginning when they present to us the play, they bring up a title card sequence, and I counted the seconds, you guys, 18 seconds that the graphic intro

said four words. Heaven. Some people read slower. Yes. Hells. Flames. 18. I want you guys to literally watch a clock for 18 seconds and feel how painful that is.

Yeah, or just watch this movie. It's on YouTube. And really, really lived the experience. We're just going to put 18 seconds of silence right here into the cup. It's excruciating. And the very beginning of the play is Jesus dramatically stumbling up the aisle of the church with his crucifix, an effect, which is kind of ruined by the nine year old with his finger entirely in his nose. Yeah. And the early bird breakfast crowd grinning at him like idiots. I love that they had to make his prop cross into a plus sign instead of like a T so that

the actor could carry it better. He wasn't off balance. Oh, and then I basically had a seizure like multiple times in the middle of this play. Like there's no warning. It's the worst, it's like worse than a ride at Disney World with like all the warnings posted. Oh, absolutely. I literally reached out to Tim, our social media guy, and I was like, Hey, people watch

these things with us. You should probably put a thing on Facebook that says Apple Epsi warming because someone bought a strobe light and they were going to get their fucking money's worth 30 seconds into this movie. Also, at this point, I guess they couldn't afford Roman guard costumes because a bunch of guys just dressed like normal 1980s churchgoers run on stage and start beating the shit out of Jesus. I love it.

I love it. All of his lackeys, Satan's lackeys, by the way, are wearing flannel. They look like they just walked off set of my so-called life. It's like amazing. It's like Satan who's dressed like a member of KISS. What is that Satan? He's got a black and white face and he's wearing like a Liberace robe. He's confusing. And all of his friends are like Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano. It makes no sense. And I just want to say husky Satan is my favorite.

First of all, his only line for the first 45 minutes of this movie is, and this actor, you could see he really put the work into. Yeah. You never got the same. Yeah. Twice. He was doing. Yeah. He was doing all his myster work is very impressive. Yeah. He gets like a 70s guitar solo of Moa and then like 19 more of these every time they do something it ends with that. It's rough. It was fun watching like a mob of dads and pleaded dockers beat up Jesus inside of a night

club with a strobe like that's that's them doing the crucifixion right? This is what's happening here. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, and I did not realize how badly I needed overweight Satan to modern dance while Jesus was crucified. But yeah, that was a moment I needed in my life. It was very important. Yeah, that was a moment I needed in my life. It was very important. Check. So now Jesus, Jesus is crucified and he's gonna get up and show us his hands while someone sings a power ballot.

Yeah, somebody else sings it. Like when I'm watching this, I hear the voice and I'm like, oh, at least Jesus has a halfway decent voice, right? Like at least he's a pretty good singer. And then I'm like, oh, at least Jesus has a halfway decent voice, right? Like at least he's a pretty good singer. And then I'm like, wait, he's just standing there with his mouth closed. It's like a ventriloquist act. No. And like white snake is singing a ballad about getting nails driven through your hands.

Yup. Oh, and so importantly, about two sentences into this song, they freeze the movie and they starwiped Jesus with his own face. It's the greatest visual effect ever created. Tenets got nothing on this movie. Also worth noting, this actor is showing his palms through the entire fucking song, which is way too long But they didn't give him stigmata makeup. So it's just like And is this like part of the canon of the Bible. This is where they show us Jesus

Going to hell to chase Satan. Does that happen? No, and then he like, he steals the keys to heaven's gates. Yeah, like Satan has like a janitor giant chain. And then Jesus is doing like ring magic with it, Like they're linked and now they're separate. And I'm Jesus and you're Satan, got your keys. Oh yeah. This poor actor who plays Jesus,

he's just given two props in the entire fucking show and he's told to hold them out to the audience for way too long because yeah, he does like first grade judo on Satan and then steals his keys and is like, got his keys, there's four more minutes in this song. So now we're going to cut over to an old lady telling God how awesome she is. And then she dies.

God, you guys, it's the start of something really bad. It only gets worse from here. It does. So she dies. And then we see her entering heaven, which by the way, this will be the pattern for the entire movie. Someone will talk for a second, die, go to heaven.

Or hell or hell. Or hell, yeah, heaven or hell. That's right. Yeah, that's kind of the point. Is it my going to heaven or hell? There's like a big book, right? And weirdly, there's a lady over the book, which is kind of progressive,

but we're just going to look past that. Yeah, it's progressive. And yeah, they just go like, I did all the things, did I do it right enough? And she never like shakes her head no or nods her head, yes, she just stands there and points. And then either Jesus comes down the stairs or Satan slinks over from the side of the stage. Yeah, it's either the green slime or the price is right. Music, come on down. Jesus starts dancing down the stairs. So that's just this whole movie. Yep.

But it starts with this weird Catherine O'Hara wanna be one. Ah, yeah. She over does it. I mean, she is very enthusiastic to see Jesus. I've seen people celebrating not being the father on the mori show with more decorum and acumen than this woman enters the pearly gates to heaven. Just taunting people too. Yeah. That seemed to be what she was into. I actually like this character. Like, she's honest. She's going to heaven for theoretically eternal bliss, but it's mostly about spite for her.

Yeah. You know? She's just like doing big kicks and like power slide and pass Jewish Muslim people like Louie Geo on her way into heaven. It was fun. Yeah. I enjoyed her. Absolutely.

And then she gets into heaven and she runs it. Jesus like a Beatles groupie. So bad. Yeah, she's very, very, very excited. Question for you guys, what do you think happened when Jesus went to heaven? Did he have to, like, go through pearly gates? That's a great question. Did he go through the polyglate gates and then come out and greet himself as the Holy Ghost or God? Because he's three guys and one guy. Right.

Because this is an event. I was trying to look up what exactly, like what religion pushes this? Because I thought I remembered seeing it at a Methodist church, but now I'm realizing that I was probably wrong. Because this is, every time you look it up, the actual kind of, the company that puts this on, they just keep calling it an evangelical play. So it's kind of broadly evangelical. And I'm wondering, because I was raised more men.

My parents would have been pissed if they found out that I had seen this with my friend. Oh, yeah. This was, this was, this was, this was, this was, this was, this was, this was, this was more men, no more men having, right? Yeah, this was, this was not right. This is not right. Verboten, first of all. You guys have like a cloud system. There's like 12 layers of the it, right? Yeah, this is not right. Verboten. For sure.

You guys have like a cloud system. There's like 12 layers of the clouds, right? Oh, what's up? Drop in. There's stuff I don't even get to know because I've got lady bits. Like, there's things I've not. No, sorry. We shouldn't even be talking about this.

Yeah, what are you doing? Come on. I shouldn't do this. I know this. It's going to break my brain, my lady brain, my feeble lady brain. But yeah, so this is an evangelical play. And so I'm wondering, what is their take on the Trinity? Is it that Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost are the same thing?

Because Mormons believe they're literally like three separate dudes. All dudes, by the way. Yeah, definitely. I think, I think most evangelicals are going with sort of a council of Nicaea, three in one, ghosts doesn't exist, but as in belief can't be denied, God is the all spirit. And then Jesus is the manifestation sacrifice of the lamb Abrahamic lock kind of thing. Quantum dead cat. Yeah. It's that. Yep. No idea. They ever read the book. So I don't know why we would even have 60% of them admit to not having read the book and at least a big percentage of the 40 that say they have are lying.

So absolutely correct. So this movie that we watched is not exactly the same script that you saw as a kid. Karen, there's a different one. I don't, it's so hard to know because I thought I remembered a couple of different scenarios. So I don't know if there are like adaptations or if people put some poetic license into it. I just remember it being terrifying and even as a young child who is still developing my sense of kind of identity and trying to figure out what my ultimate beliefs were.

I remember thinking in my head like, this is fucked up shit, right? You pretty fucked up. Oh, and it is just getting started. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There were other versions on YouTube that were longer, actually, which is now that I think about it terrifying, because that means this is like the cut down like tight 72 minute one. Wow. Yep. Yep. All right. Well, we're going to take a quick break, and then we're gonna come back and winner, but everything out there is all the same.

Ooh, how about show about cave people, but with porn right in the middle of it? Meh. I heard it's only like, okay. Well, why don't you guys try Acorn TV? Well, one, because they're way too small. We'd probably need several. No, Eli, Eli, Eli. Acorn TV is a streaming service that's rooted in British television.

It has a rich catalog of exclusive award-winning series across genres, including mysteries, dramas, comedies, and so much more. Oh, yeah. The British are way better than us at art. That sounds great. So, what kind of stuff is on there? All kinds of stuff. From production to performances, the series you'll find on A corn TV are exceptional,

because they're cleverly written, visually striking, and feature renowned actors like David Tennant and Thandy Newton. Wow. What do you recommend? Well, how about one of the most underappreciated comedies of all time? Lings and arrows. It's amazing, funny, and it's based on Shakespeare. Ooh, that does sound good. Okay, but it's British TV.

We have to pay in like gold, bullion, or swans, or something like that? No, that's the best part. You get thousands of hours of new refreshing content on Acorn TV for fraction of the cost compared to most streaming services. It's just 599 a month. And can I watch on my Apple TV? Sure can, escape to Britain and beyond

without leaving your seat. Try Acorn TV free for 30 days by going to acorn.tv and use our promo code awful. That's acon.tv code awful to get your first 30 days for free. Nice, I'm in. Are we sure there isn't anything else on the other streaming services though? There's a period romance drama.

Oh, nice. That uses sexual assault as a plot device with no warning. There it is. Yep. Okay. Let's stick with acorn stick with acorn Hi Jesus. Hey Kyle. What's up? We've got some new heaven entries. We were hoping you could just greet them at heaven's gates Yep, sure. No problem. Great, great. Why don't you come on in, Karen? Hi, Jesus. Hi.

Oh, oh, okay. We're hugging. I can't tell you how long I've waited for this day. I love you so much. Thank you, Karen. I am very grateful. I love you. Mm-hmm.

Okay, so how did you die? Well, I was on a mission in Africa. Oh cool. That's great. You know so often I meet Christians and they weren't doing Listen, we were giving bibles to starving people and letting them know about your glorious word Bibles great and food too. And no, just bobbles. Oh, cool. Go, go, go, go, go. All right, well, you probably want to get to heaven, right? So time's a waste and let's do it.

Actually, Jesus' heaven is eternal. So you think you can go. Kyle, thank you. But I'm sure Sarah would like to get going. It's Karen. Right? Yep, Karen. Karen wants to see your family. So you thank you Kyle. Thank you, but I'm sure Sarah would like to get going. Karen right. Yep Karen Karen wants to see your family and I don't know probably see Shakespeare or something like that right? Boring. I just want to stay right here with you Jesus Great

Jesus Yeah, yeah, can ask you a question Sure, I guess yeah, I mean, infinite knowledge and all that. Go ahead. So are there any black people up here? Yes, Karen. There are black people in heaven. Yeah, sorry about that. Jesus Christ. And we're back. When we left off, we were just finishing act one. So now it's time for act one. He's gonna say, and we are going to watch Kara Santa Maria's first acting gig because you will never convince me that you didn't play one of these parts as a child, Kara.

You will never convince me. I didn't have to play that part because I was that part, baby. You were quote, flying high on drugs. Oh, I loved flying high on the drugs. It was so fun. Crystal method acting. Yeah, it was okay. So in this part, there's a dude, there's a peto. He's a peto.

We can call him a peto, right? Peto man. Sure. And he's hitting peto. We can call him a peto, right? Peto man. Sure. And he's hitting on these girls who just left a party and are talking about boys and drugs. Mm-hmm. And he's legit hitting on them.

It's weird and gross. Cause they are legit teenage girls acting this part. They must be what, 14, 15? Oh, absolutely. And he introduces himself by the way by saying, Dave's the name and drugs are my game. With, I immediately bought those business cards. Dave's the name drug for my game.

And he's like 42, maybe 43. Oh, absolutely. And there, and he's like, hey, ladies, I'm like putting his arms around them and they're like giggling, it's really uncomfortable. And then he tries to sell them drugs or he does sell them drugs in a white little package. Yes, which I'm pretty sure is because drugs are white

and Christians just think they come in white bags because they've seen them from the movies. So for sure. And this is the part that I'm so confused about. I wanna know what this drug is. So the YouTube commenter said it was Coke. I figured it was heroin because he's like, you can snort it, inject it, or eat it. Can you eat heroin? Yeah. That's a question I was wondering. I mean, you can eat anything you want.

I mean, will it do anything? You can rub Coke on your gums. I mean, it doesn't really, it doesn't fuck you up, but it numbs your gums If you eat cocaine, I feel like it's gonna do something too. I don't, I, I mean, because it's an anesthetics. So I don't think you want to swallow cocaine because then it'll numb your digestive tract, right? Perhaps. So, but heroin, I think you can eat heroin.

I don't know. If you can eat heroin, please, please. I'm gonna go out all the movies. Whatever you fucking nerds we are, can you eat heroin, please. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. What are the fucking nerds we are? Can you eat heroin? I don't want to be that guy, but I think if you know off the top of your head, whether or not you can eat heroin, you probably don't make it to the big bad world of podcasting. You know what you want?

You want to sous vide that and you get a nice meat rare heroin brown. Heroin. Yeah, I don't think anybody eats heroin. I mean, I don't know why you would eat any of these drugs because they don't do anything. Like if you, if you snorted or you, or you injected it, like works better, or you can smoke it even. But now I'm thinking of heroin as an edible. And I really want that to be the case, right? Like we won heroin gummy bear.

And you're like, ah, these are really weak. So you eat three more and then you overdose and die and fucking like like these girls doing this fucking. Quentin Tarantino has to stab you in the heart. Okay. So do you guys understand the part where he's like writing their names down in his palm pilot? No, he has a palm. Palm pilot.

Oh, it's a palm Pilot with a stylus. Oh, yeah, it is. There's a... It's amazing. And like, are they trying to parallel his little name of underage drug users with the, or his little list with the Jesus' big book? Is that what they're trying to do? That's exactly what they're doing.

I think that's what they're doing. Harry picked up what they were putting down. I love it. And they do a tight shot at one point where she snorting drugs out of her clinic, like blush comb. Oh, yeah. Okay. I need to talk about every second of this cocaine pantomime. So first of all, she introduces it by saying, trust me, my mom does this all the time. So fun house. What? Yep. Second of all, she might as well be stirring the cocaine into stiff peaks. I mean, she's like, she's, there's crosses and knots and overhead shot would show like 12 large pockets of cocaine, none of which are in anything resembling a line. So now it's like a mouse trap situation. There's like a Rube Goldberg device, a bowling ball rolls down and lights a candle and it shoots the cocaine

into her face. It's impressive. At one point, she literally holds the mirror in a V and sniffs at the corner because I'm pretty sure this actress thinks that the reason you use a mirror is so that you can like get it all to run down the center. And the thing is, it's not just like a mirror on a table. It's her like makeup compact. So she also snorting makeup. Oh, man. Oh, that's some blush in there.

That's good stuff. I can see the clinic label on the back. I'm sure it'd be pissed to find out that they're featured in this play. Right. But this is a Christian movie and they've just undrugged so they both instantly overdosing die. Well, the weird thing is the first girl, it's very clear what's happening. She's like complaining of a headache the whole time and then she does more drugs and then

she's like, no, but something's really wrong. My head really hurts and the other girl's laughing at her the whole time. then she does more drugs and then she's like, no, but something's really wrong. My head really hurts. And the other girls laughing at her the whole time. And then she falls to the floor. And then I don't understand. And then the other girls just dead. The other girls like, oh, we're dying. Yeah, sure.

Pure pressure. We're dying. Heath. Heath. Yes. What do you mean when you write jeans made of snow pants? Okay. These jeans that they're wearing,

these two girls are wearing the like beautiful 90s jeans that had like, that's so much thickness, almost jinkos, one of them. And they've got like the pads to them. There's so much layers of thickness to, oh man, Mr. 90s. Back when pants and the cover to your wagon, we're made out of the same damn material. That whole decade was great like starting, I don't know,

not right away, but like 93. We just all decided that especially for middle school boys, you were allowed to wear clothes that were six sizes too big. And 12 year old Heath was fucking psyched about that. That was right in my wheelhouse. Wait, seven sizes too huge. Perfect. Heath don't lie to the listeners. Did they make clothes 12 sizes too big for 12 year old Heath?

Because I've seen pictures. I found they did. A couple clicks bigger. I was in the, there's a husky section. And to go with your mom's a husky section. To go with your mom to the husky section. They'd carted you on the way in, just checked your weight instead of your birthday. So now the girls arrive in heaven. And to be clear, we're about to watch this movie, damn these two children to hell for doing drugs. children to hell for doing drugs. Oh my God.

It's so bad. It's so, so at this point, you know, this is only act one B. Everybody. And it's pretty clear. Let's, let's look at the evidence leading up to this point. The girl mentions that mom does this all the time. One of the other things that we left out

but that she mentioned multiple times, is that her father recently died, right? She keeps talking about the death of her father. So basically, this is a child in pain who is self-medicating in the only way she knows how because she doesn't have a lot of social support or scaffolding in her life, but because she didn't accept Jesus into her heart, she's just straight up going to hell. That's correct. More importantly, they open with a non-theologically sound statement, right? The Christians don't have anything in their rulebook about whether or not you're allowed

to do drugs, right? They don't like drugs, but that's not a tenet of their thing. You're allowed to do a big ol' line of coke as long as you love Jesus. So they're going to open with something that's not just wrong morally. It's wrong according to their own moral system. They might as well be dying of the overdose and being like, I have doubts about whether a Theistic worldview is reasonable. Oh, it's so bad. And when they get there, right? So they die. We think. And then they get there. And their first line is, where are we? It's so bright. It's beautiful. And it's like no, honey, it's foil. Decorated in foil. It's not beautiful. It's foil.

It's decorated in foil. And it is covered in in I'm going to go ahead and use air quotes here. Angels, which are people who volunteered to stand still in the background of this 70 minute play the entire time. I feel so bad for them. I'm surprised not not one of them lost consciousness from locking their knees. Allow me to take you on a journey called watching the angels in the background, because the second time I watched this, all I did was watch these extras stretch and scratch and walk off stage and walk back on stage. Oh, they're like the worst guards for Buckingham Palace average the best.

So the girls go up to the book of life, lady. And again, this is a pattern that we're going to repeat over and over again. And they say, is my name to the book of life lady. And again, this is a pattern that we're gonna repeat over and over again. And they say, is my name in the book of life? And it's supposed to be her shunning them or turning away. But unfortunately, dabbing came out after this movie. So it just looks like the guardian of the gates of heaven dabs at them and they're sent to hell. Psych, I'm not an angel.

Now watch me whip and watch me name. I don't know what we're gonna do a different one each time. Dab do. Oh, and this is, again, this is the first time we see someone get dragged down to hell. So Satan runs out, has to catch his breath because he had to run from stage left. And then it's like, that's right kid.

Remember drugs, whoo. Sorry, once I, Satan was drinking some mango nectar off stage. Drugs in the way to whoosh. I shouldn't even that taco bell. Drugs in the way into my domain. All right. Satan's going to go to the bathroom. Runs back off again. So that means Satan just like hangs out in heaven a lot. I know it's really weird. Waiting to do like a low level prank at the beginning of somebody's not yet hell experience for eternity.

This is great question based on that observation. Do you think that Satan and Evan and hell Decider lady are work friends like, you know, the UPS guy like when he comes in. Oh, absolutely. You think they're like, Oh, what are your plans this weekend? And she's always like, you know, the UPS guy, like when he comes in, you think they're like, Oh, what are your plans this weekend? And she's always like, you know, nothing. I don't think she speaks. Well, sure. Satan helps her get on Tinder. No, that's what we'll take it seriously. Just get. Oh, she's like five pictures. She's like 2020 and those awful match.com ads. Have you guys been seeing those on on who Lulay lately?

No, I've been. We're like, oh, yes, Satan matches with 2020 and they go on a bunch of dates. Man, I'm a fantastic. Oh, yeah. Her helping Satan get on Tinder would be a lot more fun. They missed a lot of possible scenes. Oh, for sure. Yeah, this they they stayed pretty focused in one horrible direction on this play. But yeah, the children get dragged to hell for doing drugs, which again is not against the rules of Christianity. It's so gross. Can we just take a moment? I mean, I know we're going to do this over and over and over to reflect to reflect on how fucked up the premise of this play is and the fact that their children in the audience. Yep. Oh, absolutely. This, this play is aimed directly at the children watching it.

Not the adults, the children. The best version is going to be the last people we see go to hell, but it is absolutely aimed at like, uge-buge-buge kids better accept Jesus fast. Yeah. And speaking of which, now we're going to cut over to talk about the same thing again. Great. Let's go on that like 11 more times.

But this time we're on an airplane, which I'm going to go ahead and guess is a Boeing right now based on the pattern. God, and it's like the improv team doing the airplane with folding chairs, God, and it's like the improv team doing the airplane with folding chairs, fucking work. This says I have to admit the one sort of scenario where I'm on board with these evangelicals. Like I feel like they chose correctly. Truth is, you know, a stopped clock is right twice a day.

So like in this case, I think the fact that we're aligning has nothing to do with our morals and it's just random circumstance. But the guy who is the bad guy in this scene is a legit douche. He's so unwise. He's so unwise. And I feel so bad for his wife who's like kind of nice. Her bangs are out of control though. Oh fan. Oh, she looks like former rated the fucking Capitol building to steal Nancy Pelosi's pants suits. She's a fantastic piece of work. She used like an entire bottle of aquanet on her head, like just for this play. She's got those perfect eighties. Like how did they make their bangs curl up and down and left and I mean somehow omnipotent curls coming up.

But yeah, what she reveals to him as they're sitting there on their flight is that while he was off golfing, she got saved by the Lord. And I just want to say I can confirm that a lot of Florida women sneak off with Jesus while their husbands golf. So yeah, that's right. Yes. Yes. Yes.

And none of these people in this entire movie, but especially in the scene, nobody is off book yet. They've thought about their lines once ever. So there's a few times where like, he's supposed to interject in the middle of her sentence. So she starts talking, She's like, so on Jean, I had a thought about that. You dare to talk to me about there. You had a thought

about on Jean. Go ahead. Sorry. What? You go. Three on Jean. One on Jean. What's on Jean? No second fucks. Yeah. It's a quality of scripting we're getting here. But yeah, the moment she says that she's discovered Jesus, he pulls a lot of ones out of his pocket and starts thrusting it at her, telling her that money is God. Money is God. Yeah, what is that? What is that? The literal quote, God, I'll show you God.

Money is power. That's the quote. What does that even mean? It's such a fascinating insight into Christian worldview. And I know this is the 282nd episode of the show, and we've seen this literally hundreds of times now, but it's so telling to Christians that they're like, hmm, what would I do if I wasn't part of this religion? I guess I'd worship money and power, right? Yeah, money and power. What I would worship if I wasn't this religion.

But they do worship that in their religion. That's the irony, right? Is that the religion is all about money and power, especially evangelical religions. Yeah. Well, there are, this guy's about money power and Hindu Buddhism, Muslim, all the other religions that he's a meditation. Anything with meditation. Oh, and his Walkman. Yeah, forget about the Walkman.

Thank you. We need to talk about this Walkman. Okay. Sorry, Walkman. Is it a Walkman or a Walkman? Walks to walk. It's a Walk person. It's a Walk person. It's a Walkman or a Walkman? Walkman. He did. It's a walk person.

It's a walk, thank you. Big head. Good. Thank you. It's a walk person. He's canceled. He's apparently learned meditation from all the evil religions recently. And he's like, I'm going to take out my meditation tape. And his wife says, you can't use your Walkman yet.

It's like it fucks up the airplane radio from the Walkman. Yeah. That's very good. Was there airplane mode before airplane mode? Like was there no electronics allowed on the airplane? It's battery. Walkman is batteries.

It's a battery. Nothing. There's no blue shoes. There's no, yeah, there's no like antenna. It's very straight, but this is kind of the nucleation site for their fight. Right. When they first sit down, they're sort of getting along,

I think, and then he tries to use the Walkman, and she's like, she's like, husband, you're embarrassing me. Like, she's so offended by his interest in using his Walkman, and then he just gets pissed and starts like verbally abusing her loud, you know, the whole airplane can hear it. And declaring himself and money to be God. A very natural reaction to don't use your Walkman during takeoff. Yeah, he literally says,

well, I learn meditation. I'm a deity now. That's what I learned from medicine. I sat still silently, God and me and money are all the same. Trinity, I'm evil. They're from medicine. I sat still silently, God and me and money are all the same. Trinity, I'm evil. From meditation. And the whole thing, the audience are going. Walkman with like AMFM and then it has a radio signal. There you go. All the people in the audience are literally going, and that thing's down in the airplane.

Yeah, and the moment he says that, the plane crashes. So again, this will be the entire movie. Now they're in heaven. And I just got to say, we all wrote it in our notes. I was so excited to watch this woman give her husband the, it's not you. It's Jesus speech. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's, I'm glad this one turned out how it did. I have to say though, before they go to heaven, it's the fastest airplane death I've ever seen in my life. Like, they're like, oh no, and then they're just dead. It's so weird. I don't think it works that way.

But at this point, I think for most people, we sort of knew what was going to happen. But for most people who are just warming up to Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames, this is where they realize that this entire play is a bad SNL sketch. You know how it should have ended a really long time ago. One other thing I have to point out,

you mentioned this briefly earlier, Karate, but every time someone gets to heaven, they play the hallelujah chord. Right. And the first time they do it in the play, Jesus comes out and you're like, oh yeah, that's beautiful music. Like that's part of our historical tradition.

But by the 19th time they do it in the play, and might as well just be a trombone out of breath. And I think in one or two of them, Jesus doesn't even bother to show up. He's like on a piss break. And they're like, I'll find him. Come on, you heard the fucking trombone. Just go in. Obviously it's at the top of stairs. I'm drinking nectar. Jesus is outside smoking. Fuck, I miss my cute. It's fine. It's fine. We got 19 more. I do enjoy this going to heaven moment though because again, yeah, the husband who meditates it, he's supposed to be the bad guy, but he is the bad guy. He sucks. Oh yeah, he's a total douche. And the wife is just like, oh man, like, I don't know if you're gonna get into,

you know what, I'm in fuck your face. Who cares? You're awful. So I enjoyed that part. Yeah, yeah. This was like the one vindicating like, okay, they got it right. But again, stopped clock, you know? Right. Yeah. Oh. And maybe you're thinking to yourself, okay, I get it. Good people, bad people, Christians, non-Christians. But have you ever wanted to celebrate the death of a family with two small children? Well, then buckle up because our next scene is a family on a car trip. And knowing that everyone we meet is going to die immediately,

made each new scene a mystery for me. I feel like they missed the opportunity to do fun and throw us off about what the deaths were going to be, but it was pretty fun. It was pretty exciting. Yeah, how many car crashes are there in this thing? Like they really ran out of material quickly. So it's a very boring and preachy version of final destination, but I wanted shit to get

crazy, right? Like the kids in the back seat, he's like, what's this radium? Oh, no. They could have had fun with it. That's all I'm saying. Oh, oh, this is when we get introduced to how actors drive on stage. Oh, is it? Because for some reason, there are plenty of chairs, by the way, in almost every other scene, people sit in chairs.

But for some reason, anytime somebody's in a car, they stand, like Fred Flinzo. The Christian people have stand-up cars. And this actor, his carmime is fantastic. I don't think he's ever been in a car because he apparently thinks the steering wheel is a single handle somewhere five feet in front of you.

Oh, the scene is probably the best. I don't know, it's hard to pick the best worst in the whole thing, but just the exposition, we should call it, is deep, it's got layers. The exposition that they're in a car, so that they like, they could just, they could just start the scene sitting in, you know, a two by two, as if in a car,

but they had to walk and like, as if people would be like, where'd the car come from though? So they like walk out onto stages, if they're in the car and then they stop in the middle, in the middle of the street, and just never move again, the rest of the car, right? That's asking a lot of these two very small children

who obviously don't know how to act. But when I speak of exposition, I'm more talking about the scene where moms like, where dads like, did you enjoy church? And moms like, yes, it reminded me of our dead talk. Yes! Wow. Oh. He's like, yes, it reminded me of our dead talk. Yes! Wow. Oh.

He's like, yes, yes. I remember she used to run out to the car and the one time I didn't notice her, bam. That means. But all of that gets blasted from my mind when dead delivery kid says his line. So again, these aren't good actors, community church theater. I get it. But then the kid in the backseat speaks up and he's like,

Hey, dad, thank you so much for letting me take Jesus into my heart. I'm so happy, so very, very happy. Wamp, wak, wak. Oh, my God. It's amazing. And literally then, dad or mom, I can't remember, turns to child and says, it takes a lot of courage to go forward and give your life to Christ. He's saying this to a seven year old. It doesn't take any courage for a seven year old

to do exactly what his parents told him to do. It takes zero courage to do that. Son, you just played the world's easiest game of Simon says, I'm proud of you. Exactly. Like no courage, I'm proud of you. Exactly. Like no courage, I hate this so much. It's the literal worst. Really one of the other kids to be like,

oh, see now I actually decided to be a methodist based on what was said, you should the fuck up, Cindy, you should the fuck up. Yeah, that's the thing, we don't ever hear. I guess it's just assumed that the younger daughter already somehow got there in her intellectual journey because the older son is the only one that they speak to about this. It's just a given that younger daughter is already Christian.

I think so. Or is there a cutoff? Is there like an innocence cutoff? Yeah. Isn't there like an age of automatic innocence where like if you die when you're three, you don't have to accept Jesus, but if you die when you're seven yet, it matters. I think it depends. Like in the Mormon church, it's eight.

You don't get baptized until you're eight. Yeah. And there's actually a huge problem in Mormonism with that because kids like get guns out of their dad's closet and murder their sisters. And because you toss a fucking crazy play state, Mormons will be like, oh, there's no ones at fault because it doesn't, nothing matters before you make yourself. There's all sorts of crazy shit that goes down because of that theology.

That's so crazy. But then on the flip side, it's just as crazy to baptize a child of all of their, you know, pre-birth sins, their original sins when they're born, because then it's as if they are making decisions from the time that they're like three weeks old. Right. Like as if they have any conscious awareness. I'm just saying I'm pretty sure my son is shatting my hand on purpose at least a couple of times so you can get them while they're babies. So he's going to hell basically is what you're saying. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, I baptized him. Are you kidding? I can pass all the ways you're the shitter. I baptized him. I made him a Buddhist and a Muslim. I got all of them. He can't talk yet. I am covered. I don't think that's how it works.

Wait, so what's the algorithm for this play? If you just like hedge on everything, do any of those things cancel other things at? You lose automatically my hedging on everything. No, I sleep behind that lady. Misdirection. You just have to at the last second say, No, I sleep behind that lady, misdirection. You just have to have the last second,

say, Jesus, I accept you to buy a heart-blown soul, blah, blah, blah, blah, save me exactly. You got a guest one at the end, yeah. You can't just hedge on all of them. You don't know. That's like betting on every spot in roulette. That doesn't mean you win. You always win.

No, you win in this canon. All right, so we're done with the Christian family. Now we're going to cut over to a non-Christian family. Wait, are we done with the Christian family? Because they haven't even gone to heaven yet. Well, no, because remember we meet the non-Christian family. They both, yeah, they're parallel. Yeah, they're parallel.

Okay, yeah, you're right. So now that we're done with the Christian family, we're going to cut over to the non-Christian family. Yeah, this is very good storytelling. We're doing it correctly like they do in a play. And it's a parallel. I really wanted this family to be the exact same family, but just Jewish, right?

Like the exact same lines, except they're just like, how'd you like temple today, Moishi? Oh, so much, Dan. Boom. Crackle Crackle. What are they? I mean, it's clear that because they're going to send this family to hell, they had to get two really unlikeable people.

So they basically cast Alex Jones as the father. Did you notice this guy is Alex Jones? Yep. And some dumb, twat son. He's so irritating. At one point, he literally, like, they're talking about how mom goes to church all the time that dumb, cunt mom. And he's like, yeah, religion is for old people and girls. Literally a line. That's literally a line. He's also supposed to be a high school basketball

star. And he could not look like a high school basketball star. Look, you're working with that actor. I get it. Say, chest team or something. At one point, this guy mimes shooting a basket and his wrist breaks from the action. He's like, oh, God. Oh, it just makes no sense. So, and it's also clear that they had to make the cute little kids go to heaven. And so they're like, how can we put actors in that are going to go to hell that you won't feel like emotionally upset about?

Right. You know what I mean? Because we know, we know what's going to happen. And we know how fucked up it is. So they sort of soften the blow by making the people that go to hell unlikable. They soften the blow by making the kid look like Eli. Yeah, pretty much. They're like, you guys are okay with glasses

going to hell, right? And this entire audience is like, boo, full of blue glasses. Yeah, burn them in fire forever. And again, they talk a lot about money. That's like the whole stick here is that they're like, I don't like God, but I love money. And the kid literally says,

I love that expensive gift you got me last week. Because 100% that's how people talk. The whole writers, generic gift that you gave me last week. Speaking of our backstory, gift, remember to write this later. Also, they also do the procrastination thing where he's like, Oh, I was going to go down to church and, you know, give my life to Jesus today. But I was just so busy. After watching 282 Christian movies, I cannot

stress enough how many Christians think people not accepting Jesus into their life is just an issue of not being a good time. What, this means that it must be true for some of them, right? Some of them must look back on their lives and think, oh, you know, I wasn't saved because I just hadn't gotten around to it. Right. I just have that long to-do list. Should have moved it to the top. Shit. Too late now. Guess I'll spend eternity in hell. Shit, too late now, guess I'll spend eternity in hell. A vision board with like, you know, some basic normal stuff and then like Jesus in the corner small.

It's like recovering the couch. You know, starting at juice cleanse, we'll get to Jesus. But then, so they talk about their lives that are not terrible or evil in any way But aren't Christian enough and then they get in a car crash so to be very clear this movie Showed us a family showed a small children and they're dead now and this movie is about to be like Don't worry. This is a good thing because The Christian family with the small children the ones were to like, they start doing a fucking mandatory touchdown dance out to the life of the gates of heaven.

It's super weird and they use the line, this is what we lived for. Yeah, death. Do you guys remember that? Like, oh yes, this is everything we've ever wanted is to die young and go to heaven. What? What?

Good thing I got smashed by a car before I stopped being Christian after reading some books in the whole Bible again through. Yeah. It's so weird. And here's the thing. Like, so we know then that these these that evangelical Christians who watch this movie legit look forward to death, which is strange. And my question is, what if the car crash happened yesterday? Oh, in the seven year old hadn't given his name to Christ. That'd be a child going to

hell. Child going to hell. Would they have dragged him off to hell really? Absolutely. Are you 100%? That's why they dragged two children off to hell earlier in the movie. They were like, I made that point 19 times more in this movie. You might be confused about whether or not we'll drag children to hell. We are absolutely gonna, not this one, but we will drag children to hell.

We're opening with dragging children to hell. And I should point out that the gates of heaven, every time they've opened, Jesus has come out and given a very half-hearted hug Whoever's just gotten into heaven, but this time he brings the dead daughter with them So to be clear this movie is now saying hey family that just died look. It's your daughter. I killed She's been up here alone without you. You're welcome And if this happens yesterday they do that and then they're like,

DAAAT, no, but your brother's going to hell trapdoor. Sorry. I've got good news. 75% of you will be coming to meet your dead daughter. Oh my god, trapdoor would have been so good. Or like, what about like church carnival dunking booth, except it's fallen to like lava. I love it. Love it.

Yes. If you think we can't stage a production of this show with a church dunking booth full of lava, you do not know how much it costs to put up church production. Decent chance the Satan guy couldn't ever hit the button on the dunk tank. And they were just like, this is, it's too long. We can't. He always says, this is, it's too long. We can't. He always says, this is bad. But yeah, that family runs off to heaven.

And so now it's time to watch the bad family burn and hell. Except the not bad family, the exact same family. Yeah, the identical family burn and hell. And again, they're like the father begs for his son. He's like, please, so, you know, I know I haven't been good, but please don't let the devil drag my son into the pit of fire forever. And the angel just dabs at him. I wrote my notes.

Bible God is a villain that the Mandalorian should free a space town from. It's bad. No, like, these are the exact words we've never given our lives to Christ. So our names aren't in the book. So can we just reiterate one more time that these people literally believe that no matter what you do in the world, unless you say these words, I give my life to Christ. All you have to do is to say the fucking magic words, you're gonna go to hell. Say the magic words, go to heaven.

Everything else, it's a wash. Yeah. That's correct. That's the world view of this play and a large percentage of the country and our city and the entire world. Yeah. Yeah. Also did, um, Luchador, Darth Maul Satan adds sparkles to his face. He glittered it up for this particular scene. I was very it up for this particular scene. I was very impressed. Because I'm a shrink touch. What he was doing on a smoke break.

He was just hanging out with Angel Lady. All right, yeah, let's do it. Let's make me over a little bit. You got sparkly stuff. Oh, I'm not gonna look weird. Am I? You promise I won't look weird? No, no, no, no, no, it's good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. Good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. Okay. So they really just like leaned in on the problem of evil. That's what happened here. They were saying like, yeah, a child went to a like a fire for eternity. Really solution of evil. That kid was evil. That's why we did that. That's the point of this movie. Yeah. All right. Well, I think it's time for one more quick break. But first, let me give more act ones to hard sell. Are you still confused by the concept? Are you still confused by the concept? Are you still confused by the concept? Don't worry. They'll explain when we come back for literally five more act ones in act three.

Hi, I'm Cara Santa Maria. And I'm Eli Bosnick, but day skeptic. As many of you know, one of our sponsors here on God awful movies is Tushy. Oh, what's Tushy? Cara, he stole one. No, you have to get on the last one on New's last point in the event of a second pause. That was double eight second pause. Yes, it was.

No idea what either of you were talking about. Morgan, send the two second pause. All right. The Hello Tishi 3.0 modern-day attachment is here to level the playing field. It's stylish, eco-friendly, easy to install and affordable. Unaffordable, but day? No way. Not all of us have national geographic money, Cara.

Yeah, some of us have very expensive mango nectar needs. Well, that's the great thing about Tushii. It attaches to your existing toilet. It requires no electricity or additional plumbing. And it cuts toilet paper used by 80%. So the Hello Tushii bidet pays for itself in a few months, especially in Eli's house. Plus, every Hello Tushii bidet attachment comes with a 60 day risk free guarantee and a 12 month warranty.

Okay, that does sound good. So how do we try? We'll go to HelloTushie.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer just for our listeners. Go to HelloTushie.com slash awful for 10% off. HelloTushie.com slash awful. You know off. HelloTouchy.com slash awful. You know what, Cara? Call me an events. Nice. As you should be. I'm going to go grab some subway you guys. You want any? What's subway? Damn it. Doesn't count. No, no, no,

they're not sponsored. Doesn't count. Because they were meant to be. No, it's not a pause. It absolutely counts. You know what, never mind. He's, where are we? Yeah, we were just driving and, uh, I know what happened, dammit. What? I'm pretty sure Eli cut my brakes again as a prank. Again? Yeah, he does that, it's his thing.

It's his thing. So we're dead? Yeah, looks like it. I guess he's the end right. Oh. This thing. So we're dead? Yeah, looks like it. I guess. He's the end right. Oh. I am Saint Peter, your final judge and jury.

And I shall read your sins from the book of life. Right, sure. Wow, really thought this wasn't gonna be a thing. I would. Yeah, dude, me neither. I'll see that coming. First, the sin of lust. You, Heathen, right, were a viewer of pornography.

Ah! Ha! Z, Z, Z. Dude, dude, dude, dude, stop. Don't worry about it, everyone watches porn. With the following titles. Pfft. Titles?

I mean, do the titles really matter? I feel like we just say that it's- Sixy Stepsisters Go Wild. Oh. That's probably a mistake. I don't remember specifically. I am Peter, the guardian of heaven. All of my knowledge is perfect.

Right. Yep. Sure is. Hey, you know what, Kara, why don't you go first in front of me in line and then I'll go right after that you want me to go to hell first Well, no, not I see not that's not what I meant, but like I see what you're saying next Incessuous sister sex volumes one through four. It was it came was came as a box set He's like you can you can stop explaining the title. Yep, why don't you say? You can stop explaining the title. Cool, yep, wanna hear this.

Stepmoms out of their pantsuits. Is there, okay, like a, I don't know. There's gotta be like a private heaven sin reading room. Maybe I could request that. Like at the TSA, it's like a private thing. Yep. Not much point, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell. Red Hot Sisters Triple X. I'm sure I'm going to hell. Red hot sisters triple X

I'm already there poop on my chest. You're my sister And we're back and now it's time for a very important lesson How tolerance gets you sent to hell and we're gonna start by meeting a young couple dealing with that. And they might not be equally yoked. That's a big problem. Oh, I was rooting so hard for them to end up in hell because of a hand job here. But no, no, it's, it's the she's into new age stuff. And he's a Christian. Wait, where are they in this scene, by the way, because they're sitting on like folding conference center chairs. But there's a Christian. Wait, where are they in this scene, by the way, because they're sitting on like folding conference center chairs, but there's a weird soundtrack of like seagulls and waves. Are they supposed to be on the beach?

Yeah, they're at a very weird conference center. Yeah. Possibly doing hand stuff, but maybe not. Yeah, nope, sadly not. She's into new age stuff and we're going to establish that early when she's like, oh, this is so romantic. My psychic told me there was a romance in my future, which, again, through the Christian worldview, his response is, psh, that's stupid. Everyone knows there's a space wizard who knows the future, but he doesn't answer your questions. And she's like,

not, not you. That's not what my psychic. That's what I was hoping she would say. And she's, you know, she's just like one of these classic sort of people that you see driving around in blue cities that have that bumper sticker. What does that bumper sticker say? Coexist. Coexist. Yeah, that's her. She's just sort of saying, you know, I've just been doing a lot of studying. And I feel like there are a lot of cultures in the world. And they all sort of have their own Approach and they're all equally valid. You know, it's an interesting it's an interesting complex world out there And I just you know, I tolerate all these beliefs and I take what I can from them

Yes stupid you better hope you don't die right now You will go straight to hell you bitch. Jesus is the light This this play is turning to us as she's saying that being like, can you believe this asshole? I think we get all agree. She deserves to burn in a lake of fire forever. Am I right? Oh, you can believe whatever you want to. Idiot. In fact, his direct response to her and I love this so fucking much quote, it may seem okay to believe whatever you want, but it's not good if it's not the truth.

And I just wrote in my notes, yeah, movie, we agree. We just don't agree on what the truth is. Right. Nope, but now she literally gets killed and him too by a very racist moment in their thing that didn't have to be. They did not need to put a gangster bandana on the person who walks over and shoots them for no reason. They needed to code racism into their church play. So they were just like, Hey, Jim, you're going to go over and shoot them put on this bandana.

So everyone knows, even though you're not a person of color, you're portraying a person of color. We want our audience to think that you're a person of color. You know what? As I go by, I'm going to be like, I shoot you and my name is Jaime. Okay. Don't. Because at this point, it's clear that every person on the stage, every person in the audience,

whether they're going to heaven or hell, whether they are angels, whether they are musicians, every single person is white. Yes. Yep. Every person. Up to this point. Yes. We're going to get an exception and it's not going to make it better. No, no, it's not. So yeah, they're in heaven and they're in heaven so that Jim can win their arguments. And so like, but to be clear, they just got murdered. Yes. They were just like brutally murdered and they just sort of skipped over that part. Right, but it is absolutely him winning the argument.

It was like, they got families like didn't want to die, but you know, this really does hammer home my point. Like you're gonna have it right now. This is, I mean, I'm right. Watch what happens. Like she's gonna dab me and she's gonna send you to like, how, where is, wait, is dab good or bad? Hey, angel lady, is it, what do I get?

I'm going to heaven, fuck face. I have a face. Again, woo-ee, girlfriend lady. She's like, oh, I was supposed to be reincarnated as a tree. And again, this play is like stupid. We're gonna go play harps in the sky till our final battle with the Antichrist as part of the army of swordmouth Jesus.

So, yeah, read a book. Think realistic. Say I go hug some fucking trees and hell bitch. And okay, I have a legit question given the state of our nation right now. What do you guys think the Venn diagram of insurrectionist, seditionist assholes who attempted a coup on the Capitol building and people who believe in this shit

looks like the truth is they in the cast of this movie. And it was they circle circle circle and circle circles within circles within circles. So yeah, lady gets dragged down to hell and now we're going to meet two new children. Ray who doesn't want to go to youth convention because he's going to tell his friends about Jesus tonight. Oh right. That's how they set him up to be the good guy. But kind of the bad guy.

You're not sure. You're kind of the bad, right? You're not sure at the beginning. Yeah. Because it's like, are you going to come with all the rest of the Christians and do Christian things? Ask Christian girl. And then he's like, no, I'm with all the rest of the Christians and do Christian things? Ask Christian girl. And then he's like, no, I'm gonna go hang out with my ethnic friends.

Right. Oh, and just as I was getting bored of this movie, I get to watch these actors do gangster voices and I am back in, baby. And yeah, so my favorite actor so far, well, there's two. It's like my favorite good actor is the Asian guy. So finally, there's a person of color. And the Asian guy is a legit good actor. I don't think he's putting on a voice.

I think he's just like doing his thing. And he's good, I mean, he's a bad guy because he's not white, but he's good at playing a bad guy. But then white guy in the puffy jacket is like, yo, dog, I'm a gang member. What word phenomenal. The fact that he didn't tell me to cut out smoking at the end of this performance is

all that was missing. So they drive around. They race a train for a second. We think that's how they're going to die, but they don't then they go to the rough side of town where they mess with snake's girl. What is this? This is like West Side Story. It's so amazing because again, this play was very obviously written by white people for

white people to perform. So when they start to like flirt with snake's girl, who's like snake's girls like 48 years old. Absolutely. Yeah, no, she is,'s like 48 years old. Absolutely, yeah, no. She is, she is the angel in a slightly shorter skirt. But Snake comes out and he goes, yo, quit messing with my girl. That's not nice. And I absolutely need all dangerous gang members

for now on to speak in I messaging. Just like, yo, dawg, when you invaded my territory and started stowing crack on my streets, that really hurt me, you know? I felt like, listen started stowing crack on my streets. That really hurt me, you know, I felt like, listen, see, this is my intervention. This is my intervention at work. He like, but yeah, he's like, Oh, that's not nice. And they say who says, and he says my friends Smith and Weston, except he takes the gun out to early. So he's like, my friend Smith and Weston. And then he realizes that the reveal of the gun

is supposed to reveal that point. So he just sort of gently waggles the gun and then shoots them and they die. Oh, sorry, to be clear, Smith, it's the gun. It's the gun that I will now I have it. It's also Wesson. It's it's a Wesson.

It's a Smith and Wesson. Oh, but he clearly says western. Yes. Which is weird because it's this Christian people. They know the names of guns, right? Everybody in this audience has a gun, 100%. Yeah. So now gangster boys are at the gates of heaven,

and they talk to each other about literally how the crazy people who scream on street corners about Jesus Are right and we should have listened to them. Yeah, and like I'm so confused by the algorithm because it's so fucked up Beyond belief that I don't know if Jesus kid is gonna go to heaven or hell But then I quickly realized I don't think he actually died. Oh, no, I think he I think he lived no He lives because when they get shot he has this moment where he's like, oh my biggest regret about you dying is that I didn't get to change your religion. To say Jesus. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dog, I can't believe you killed me. I am so gangster. What? Word. And then they both regret out loud that nobody ever turned to them, Christian.

The Asian kid explicitly says, I've never heard of any of this before. Nobody ever told me any of this. I don't know what any of this is. This isn't fair. And they're like, yep. Yeah, I was really hoping we'd get like a tribe in the middle of the Amazon jungle somewhere showing up after them. Just like, what the fuck is Jesus?

Yeah, exactly. They get dragged off after the gangster kids. And they're like, oh, too bad you weren't lucky enough to be born in America. But yeah, they are dragged off to hell. And now it's time to meet a sad lady. And just for clarity, this movie has gone from drug dealers go to hell to sad ladies go to hell. And she is the other person of color in this play. And she is going to kill herself because her boyfriend broke up with her.

Yeah, no, I think her life is pretty rough. I think that's what they're really making clear. Like, so this woman, it not just the first person of color, the only black person in the play. And she's smart and sad. So she's, this is the one who's like talking about evolution, although they just, they don't get it right. She does, she goes, oh, Mike, why did you leave me? Also, before I kill

myself, evolution says that life ends at the grave. Yeah. And so basically, the takeaway from this one is that people with severe depression go to hell. Got it. Absolutely. Got it. So then she takes the bottle of like barbecue marinade that's supposed to be a beer slugs a bunch of it and then smashes up some amoxicillin on the table and snorts it all and dies. No, she takes pills. Yeah, she takes two of her pills and dies. Apparently she was being prescribed pool cleaner.

I can't. Yeah, what Eli, like here's the thing that people don't realize is we make notes. Well, maybe they do because you guys talk about your notes on the time, but we make notes. And usually you add to the notes, you may or may not read the other people's notes. So I'm like sort of reading. I don't think Heath had made his notes yet, but Eli had. And for whatever reason, Eli, maybe it's because I was really tired and like annoyed at this movie at this point.

But when I read apparently she was being prescribed pool cleaner, I lost it. Like I out loud laughed in the dark in my living room. Because she did, she died after she took three. Yeah. Fucking, that was some hydroxychloric right there. You know what? I'm not going to take these with food. I'm dead. So then of course, you know, she dies. She dies. She goes to hell. We know this is going to happen. Of course, the first black person in the play goes to hell.

What? Her reaction when she gets to heaven is fantastic because she gets to heaven and everyone's been like, oh, where are we? Is this heaven? This woman stands up, takes one look around and goes, no! No! No! And she commits. Okay, so at this point, I know I said that the Asian guy was the best actor,

but she is by far the best actor in this play. She has fully committed her screams, like made me think that she was being murdered all over again. Or was at least aware of what the place she was in was exactly. It's like the moment where she had full existential clarity, but it happened on stage in front of everybody. And she was like, oh, I'm involved in a lot. I could have been an extra on SES for you. And then Satan literally says these words as she's being damned to hell. Evolution, I guess that means I don't exist.

I'm just somebody's imagination. And I'm like, no, I taught evolution like many times. I was a biology professor. I don't remember that. Where there's still demons then, Cara, that doesn't make sense. Yeah, that's like not a chapter in any of the books I have read. You don't cover the existence of Satan in your biology classes. Evolution.

I think you should. I'm going to bold claim. I think you should. I think you should just in the middle of it be like, oh, buy the way everybody. The devil is a nonsensical concept that doesn't make any sense. All right. Now, flagellum. Let's talk about them. Literally. It's like Darwin's conception of evolution is blah, blah, blah, blah. But Lamar, Keith thought Satan was a figment of their imagination. That's what evolution really means. Wow. As you can see, this Amiba has horns and goat like hooves.

That's right. hooves. And yeah, she gets dragged off to hell. Yep. Who would have thought? So now it's time for the stars of the movie. And he's favorite actors, the plumbers that have haunted carous nightmares for years. The two comedy characters of this play and they're going to begin by sitting under a piano, which I'm pretty sure is securely held up there.

I have to tell you though, I appreciated them as a little bit of like respite. There was something about them that was so bad. It became like it worked a little bit. Like that. Come back around. Come back around. Like the first guy, so what are they construction workers? Yes.

Yeah. And the first line of this scene is the guy going, I get off my back, you goof. You goofed that? You guys remember that? Oh, absolutely. And then he's scared that his boss is gonna like beat the fuck out of him for saying the word goof. And he's like, I said, store back in tooth,

ache, tooth, what? Nailed it. Yeah. And then they go on to do, I don't know, 15 minutes of improvised comedy shenanigans that the people who made this play were con. These were the stars of the fucking show. They gave them so much time. Oh, absolutely. They get more time to talk about what they've had for lunch and the fact that it is gross. Then many of the people get in the entire play.

But I have to say I appreciate it. I don't know why. At this point, I think I needed this in my life. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I wrote my notes, guys, I'm so nostalgic for my wife can't cook jokes. It hurts.

It hurts. And so I don't want to get ahead of what happens here, but did they go to heaven? They do. Yeah. OK, so this is why this is so fucked up, because these two men are horrible people. Horrible.

Horrible people. So like, the whole thing is they're making fun of their wives for being bad cooks, because of course women's only role is to slave away in the kitchen and prepare meals for their husbands. And at one point, this is my favorite. The guy is like,

peanut butter in ketchup. That must mean my wife is pregnant. And thank you. I have so many questions. The other guy goes, how many kids is that now? And he's like, I honestly don't remember. He doesn't know how many children he has. And that slays the audience at this theater. That was the big, that was the only laugh line that I heard laughs from the theater was like, I don't know how many kids I have, whatever, I'm going to die in a second and leave them here on earth. Yeah, and good heaven. Yep.

Because I'm a good man. Yeah. Oh, wait, that doesn't matter. Why would being pregnant make you confuse what presumably jelly and ketchup look the same in your pregnant stupid lady eyes. No, he's trying to make the point that when you're pregnant, you have weird cravings, I think. I don't think he's trying to make the point that she's too stupid to know the difference

between ketchup and jelly, is she? I found it mystifying. No, absolutely. Yeah, the first thing I jumped to was, it means she's pregnant because it's like, you know, like peanut butter and pickles are like, she's got weird cravings, so she must think I would wanna eat this. Oh, okay. Peanut butter and pickles sounds good.

I actually called my wife, who has been pregnant into the room and showed her this clip, and I was like, what does this mean? And she was like, Christian movies are stupid, and I was like, yeah, Christian movies. I'm so stupid. I'm like, please don't ask me questions. But what's so important about this is that even though they're like,

eh, got by the Bing, they can't stay liver and liver and cheese. And oh, I'm a Christian guy convinces peanut butter and ketchup guy to say the magic words right before a wall collapses on the murder stuff. I mean, immediately before Andy's like, come on, just say Jesus, Jesus, circle, circle. Dot, dot. Now I have a kudyshop. And he does. Let's just, you know what? Before we do that, let's just walk over to this wall of Annville's and we'll say it. But the best part is that before he agrees to do that, he has some legitimately insightful

questions and comments. Like at one point, he says, this all seems too simple. Child like really. And I'm screaming at my laptop. Like, yes, exactly how come nobody else can see? Yeah. And his buddy affirms that he's like, oh, yeah, no, the book says, be like a child. Don't think too much about it. And he's like, oh, you know, we don't think too much. But don't I have to like actually believe the words I'm saying? And the guy's like, yes, you do. It doesn't matter. Repeat after me. Really? Because I had questions like three seconds ago. How could this be a heartfelt just repeat after me? Your Christian. But yeah, the wall comes crashing down on them.

They're in heaven and they do a touchdown dance. Oh yeah, like they aren't at all sad about leaving their families behind. Like they're only happy that they're dead and potentially going to heaven. But honestly, at the beginning, they don't know and do you notice that in this particular scene, they leave them hanging for a while. Like God is a legit reality TV producer. Is that seen where they take the moment and they just pan back and forth between like their faces and Jesus' face and the lady at the book's face? And they're like, woo.

Mory, can we have the results of, no, not yet. Are we? I mean, to be fair, I think there's a good argument to me. Be made that heaven becomes not paradise if those two guys are allowed him. You're so funny. That is the paradox of this film. Yes. Oh, this is like the good place. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. This whole play is a good place, prequel, and that is canon. Oh my God, these guys are Jason Mendoza and Eleanor Shalstra. Yeah. So now it's time for us to meet our final group of hellbound people. And this is really the most poisonous message the movie is going to send. It's a mom and daughter to shopping mall. Yeah. Uh, and the daughter apparently goes to church without her mom, but her mom is too busy to go to church

because of her charity work. No, she really, she literally says that. Daughters like pissed at mom. Why can't you come to church with me more on Sundays? Well, I'm just working so hard to put food on the table and I just work really hard, and the only days that I have is on the weekends to give back to starving children. So I just can't, but you know what?

If you ever do something real special in church, let me know, and I'll be there. It's like she's a legit, really good mom. I'm a good person. I'm a good mom who dedicates my life to others and feeding my child. Sure, hope I don't end up in a lake of fire forever. Mew! Yep.

Yeah. And the kid's super judgy, by the way. She's like, oh, you always say that. Like, we'll do something interesting at church and I'll fucking be there, kid. She might as well be like the soup kitchen again. Those at the schools. Yeah.

But yeah, they get hit by a train or a bus or whatever. I don't know. Everyone just gets car noise. But they they get hit by a train and the mom's like, ooh, uh, any chance you got a plus one kid.

And I want to talk about why this scene is in the play. Okay, because this is funny as fuck, but keep in mind, the reason that this is in the play is so that all the little kids who do believe in Jesus and went down to the altar last week when they did this play will freak out. Because the message here, and what we watch happen

on stages, the devil is gonna come take your mommy away and you'll never see her again Unless she comes to church with you on Sunday and they know that's a terrible message They know it's an immoral worldview because if it wasn't scary and terrible They wouldn't have put it in their fucking play. Oh for sure for sure And this is the part that really paralleled for me, my own experience as a Mormon, because even though there's a lot of big differences in the worldview that I grew up in and the evangelical ideas that are espoused by this play, if you can call

it, that I'm always saying play and air quotes. I remember very clearly. So my parents got divorced when I was six. My dad got remarried when I was like seven or eight. And I had some real issues with my father's wife. I never called her my stepmother. And I remember one day when I learned about the different levels of heaven in the Mormon faith. And we had sort of mentioned this before that there's the celestial kingdom, the celestial kingdom, the terrestrial kingdom, then there's outer darkness. Oh, I thought that last one rhyme. Yeah.

And then there's this concept of being sealed to your earthly family. So when people get married in the temple, they get married for eternity. If they have children, those children are part of that eternal package. But if you're like get divorced or there's some sort of change,

you need to go back to the temple to get sealed to your family. So basically, there's all these weird like logistical rules. So when my parents got divorced and then my dad got remarried to some Miranda woman, the calculus of this religion is that when we die, I will go to the celestial kingdom with my father and his wife, not my own mother.

And we will all be bathing in God's glory. But my mom, because she was a non-believer at this point, she had left the church, would be hanging out in the terrestrial kingdom. Oh, no, no. At this point, she was still a believer. She just wasn't married. So she would be hanging out in the terrestrial kingdom.

And although I had the privilege and power to go visit her on her earthly heaven, that was not in God's light, she couldn't come visit me. What? And I was like, this is pretty fucked up. You got like fucking family court in Mormon as a way. Yes. Your mom got you every other weekend in terrestrial heaven,

but she's only got the PlayStation 5, not the PlayStation Infinite. Yes. That is what I learned. And the parallels between that and this little girl who's a kind of a bitch going to heaven and mom who is like this denicated public servant going to hell is everything that is wrong with this worldview.

It's so immoral. And I love that you're also stuck in the celestial kingdom with dad's new wife, Carol, right? Just for all eternity, as you walk through the Garden of Eden, it's just like, hi, Carol. Hi, Carol. That's a weird shirt on you. God damn it, Carol. Hey, so much. Oh, we're stuck here. To be clear, I know you just made that name up, but listen, I know it's even better. It's Karen. The best. I'm a maker.

I'm a maker. I'm a maker. I'm a maker. I'm a maker. And the people who follow me on Twitter probably know this are on Instagram because no lie, my father sent me a birthday card. Did I read this birthday card to you guys recently? No, I saw it on your Instagram, but this needs to be

into the canon of God of the movies. Yeah, I'm going to, I've got to find it in my phone right now so that I can be a hundred percent clear about what my father wrote. A birthday blessing from the Dolly Lama, because there's a picture of a Lama on the front, and she's female, I don't know who cares, that's the printed part.

Here's what my father writes, and my birthday was in October. This is your birthday card. It's my birthday card that he sent me through the mail. So Karen signs it, hope you have a great B day and a wonderful year, love Karen. Thanks Karen. Gross.

Dad signs it, don't get too stressed when Trump wins. You will live through the his terms just as I lived through Obama. Make it a great year. Whatever comes. Love you, Dad. That's my fucking birthday card. I think about that literally twice a week. Kara, if you set a number, a Patreon goal to give me your father's number so that I can phone call him and record it, our patrons will hit that number. They will hit that dollar. When is his birthday? Because fuck your face to birthday,

carter has got to be sent back. We are showing up as a sea. We're just showing up with face fuck. And Kamala Harris doing a barber shop together. Yeah. And I have to tell you, one of my other favorite dad posts. I have to give this to you too, just so that it can also become part of Canon, is when I interviewed Ian Harris on my podcast, and we talked about atheism in the interview, because it's Ian Harris,

and the quote that I tweeted at the time to promote the episode was, quote, many atheists by nature are punk rock. I talk nerdy with Ian Harris on atheism and his work being a skeptic comedian. And my dad responded on Twitter. And this is what he wrote, just remember that every knee shall bow and every tongue confess the Christ.

I didn't respond. I didn't respond. And then he replied immediately after one minute later. To himself, of course. No, yeah, to himself. He wrote, he wrote, love you, honey, with an exclamation. And I love, I love this. Some of the comments on it are like, what the fuck? My friend Trayvon, who I highly recommend you follow because he's an amazing guy on Instagram. He wrote, haha, haha, Think about how psycho that actually sounds.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that wasn't real. This isn't a bit of the real thing and Eli's life that he has. Oh no. Now it's part of your life. And now it is part of yours forever.

Oh Eli, no. This is to start cutting the brakes on cars. It's all. And then what are all the websites now that redirect to my website? Skinbooks. I love skinbooks. I'll fuck your dad. Yep. There's a few already. There was another one in there too. Absolutely. All right. So yeah, little girl's mom gets dragged away to hell. Jesus very awkwardly comes and collects her. He's like, Hey, how about we get you off to paradise, which you'll be able to enjoy without

your mom who you just watched get dragged away to hell. Like, I can't sleep when my son coughs in his sleep. The idea that anyone would be okay with their mother being dragged off to hell and enjoy paradise is insane. That's part of heaven, according to this canon. Yes. Watching your mom go to hell for eternity is the first thing you do in heaven.

But here's the really fucked up thing. They only did that in this scenario. In every other scenario, the person was saved first. And the person who ended up going to hell had to watch the person get saved. And that was sort of like part of their punishment. In this scenario, they took mom to hell first. And the girl watched mom go to hell before she was saved.

They intentionally switched the order to make this one extra fucked up. Did y'all notice that? You know what? Now that I'm thinking about it though, I think this is more honesty. I think this is like truly how you feel. Like this is the sky cake thing. This is you being like, yeah, there you go. See, I made it for spite.

I enjoy watching the fact that you didn't make it. Yup. Absolutely. They're like, don't worry. You'll get to watch your cousin Steve who blocked you on Facebook. Go to hell. So now it's time for the closing musical number. Another Jesus staring at us during a power

ballot. We also get to see the altar call here. Oh, God. And during altar Carl, there are two extras who I absolutely need to talk about. The first is Mollett guy who definitely needs absolution just for that haircut. And the second person is the girl who is ugly crying during the obstacle, who is obviously like hyperventilating. And I'm like, okay, really? You're in a Cosby sweater. What sins did you commit? Come on. Relax. Relax. No, she's crying because she knows that

her mom's going to hell. That's why she's crying. So then the host comes out. He's back in the wind. And he says, uh, if you said that prayer with our audience, just now you're saved within 24 hours, tell three people about Jesus. That's like a chain letter. It's Jesus the pyramid scheme. Oh, and this is the point where I realized the reason he was thinking so much about death in the intro to this movie is because he shot his stand-up in a cemetery. Like walking amongst headstones, talking about Jesus, like how much more on the nose could

this awful thing be? Well, they could have all right before they did the alter call got killed by like a bomb or something That would have been that would have saved the movie for me nuclear explosion clip just all right I want everybody to yep and then one guy is left just like taking wagers on who went to heaven and I got odds on crying girl. I think she did some fucked up shit, huh? She's the green river killer. Who's got a bet? All right. Well, that's the theme. That's the lesson is just like yell Jesus at the last second and hope you don't get bombed and killed before it.

So like, what do you think? Pascal's wager. We love Jesus real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, no. Bam, bam. And a podcast. All right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for Heaven's Gate and Hell's Flames. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to celebrate America's very smooth transition of power with a Trump movie next week. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, as you hinted at next week is the final week of Donald Trump's presidency.

And so to celebrate, there's a little movie I've been holding back for almost a full year now. It's the author of Gramps Goes to College, Donald James Parker's Road Trump anti BLM movie called Hearts Are Trump. It's what Goddights. I am so grateful that you guys did not invite me to join you on that. You want next week? Tag team doing. No. I just tapped out like that lady realizing she's in heaven.

No. All right. Well, with that to look forward to for Eli Cara and Noah, we're going to bring episode 282 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cara as always. Really quick, where can everyone hear some more of your stuff if they don't already know? Apparently you can just go to I love skin books. Yeah, pretty much all I need to know. That's right, you need to know. Your story. And of course a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

slash God Awful. And that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, the Skepticrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMoviesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided

by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slonic, with evil drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Cara Santa Maria and Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard, turn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Breakfast, slap, pop the Animal House Close. Breakfast-like animal. House Close. Eli Bosnick, Heath and Wright and Cara Santa Maria went to hell. Pffft. Jack Dorsey went to heaven for banning a neo-Nazi terrorist from Twitter at the last second just in time. Mark Zuckerberg did not go to heaven for being Jewish.

Kara's dad had a really, really weird week on Twitter. Really? I will fuck your dad, dad. Oh fuck you guys. That's the start of the show right there. Fuck you guys. Welcome back to God off movies. All right, touch it yet. Sorry, eating yogurt. Now is a reasonable time instead of Eli trying to drink mango nectar right in the middle of the last thing and then being like, I'm going to watch it on my Apple TV. Get your cameras out of my house. See that right?

Get your cameras out of my house. Oh no, are we going to smear shit all over the walls again in this night? This time. How did that go over? Is that what happened last time? Yeah, they loved it. No, they didn't. Yeah, I loved it.

This particular company actually specifically emailed and was like, yeah, do a lot of shit jokes, it's cool. We want that. Ha ha ha ha. Amazing. All right.